#then they become so dissociated all the time and fucking miserable

[acetheta]

love how literally barely anyone talks to me anymore

[dexaroth]

ive already said this before about how ive felt so disconnected from art. its all just lines and poses and specific distances away from the camera, layers of color... something triggered a switch in my brain that is making things just not feel real anymore.

and its like. ok. whatever. its still fun to draw and i get very happy when i manage to draw something good. but i lack the motivation! so.. lemme think.. ah! my characters! perhaps i should try to actually flesh them out as real people, with a past and personalities and relationships..

and the more i read about it the more disconnected i feel. is that all life is about? traits and backstories and being bound to everything that happened to you.. the ways you think and act being somewhat easily traceable to your history..character arcs. stories just being a means to an end(?)

and i also want a world for my ocs to live in that is a bit believable and justifies them, but every bit of advice and apparently common worldbuilding things have all just been done before.

is there any chance of making something that matters when its all been done before or if everything else feels unreal and abstract. is there a point to anything

[chatdomestique]

Even though I enjoy being high more than I enjoy getting drunk, I’ve decided that getting drunk is better being I’m not left feeling fucked up the day after drinking.

[team7-headquarter]

Team 7 introductions are like:

Naruto: I want to obtain POWER so I can force people to look at me like an actual human being and not a monster, haha! They won't ignore me or isolate me anymore! They're gonna BEG ME and put their lives on my hands and— Oh and ramen. All the ramen. And maybe prove to everyone that they are dumb ass fuck for not believing in me? Yeah, prove them wrong, that's cool! And and and Iruka-sensei is cool! I'm so happy when someone does the bare minimum and respects my life and acknowledges the fact that I'm just a kid and that I'm suffering (one of) the craziest discrimination acts applied by our government Hokage...

Sakura: you know how the first real goal I got like the first thing I wanted for myself after years of being bullied and being nobody and wanting to disappear was the affection of this boy? Well, all these other girls think I don't stand a chance and that they'll get the boy, so I'm gonna win the boy and laugh at their faces. Does it mean that I need validation and affection and attention and love? Not, what are you saying, I have a perfect normal life and parents that are totally involved in my life and I am happy! So happy! I wouldn't know what sadness or loneliness is like! Never! I'm normal and totally nothing to worry about!

Sasuke: you'll find that the things you like in life are meaningless when you carry the trauma of being the sole survivor of a genocide committed by the brother you loved and adored. I want him dead which shouldn't be surprising given that we live in a society ruled by violence, right? I hate a lot of things because I'm painfully aware of how miserable our reality is. Since this is my trauma, no one else has the right to do something about it. They certainly didn't seemto have the balls to go after him, even when they call him criminal, so I'm gonna kill Itachi myself. Obsessed you said? Try enjoying life when you know someone can commit genocide and no one would give a fuck and the government won't do a thing. Try caring for others knowing they can get kill any day and you'll have to look the other way. I dare you to.

Kakashi: *most emotionally neglected adult in the village, abandoned as a kid, saw his father do the right thing and get so socially pressured he ended up commiting suicide and the government didn't give a shit, forced to become a perfect weapon at young age to show off the village strength, forced to become an elite assassin as a kid, people in the village widely making fun of his trauma and acting like he's just weird / peculiar and not on the verge of losing his mind for real, a champ at dissociation and a minute more away taking roots in front of the graves of his mistakes because he spent way too much time there in self-punishment, basically the most miserable jounin in the whole village*

Kakashi: hm, I won't let you get to know me or get close to me because everything I touch dies and I don't want to get attachments because you're soldiers and you might die and it doesn't matter that I have history with two of your families and that you all remind every single minute of the boy I watched die and the girl that I killed and the boy used to be. You will never know any of that. I am a whole man with a whole life that you'll never know because I am just your superior here and you must obey me in our missions. I'm definitely not hiding the fact that the village just failed me and set me up to be the one who failed you all in case you get killed or lose your shit once and for all.

[vvettaka]

Aight ill try to write smth while its still (relatively) fresh on my mind

At this point i really dont know if i hate or love those recommendations rn, because my lord. This shit was DISGUSTING LIKE FUCK CALM DOWN GIRL I HAVE A WEAK STOMACH DAMN

So, my beautiful gorgeous perfect gf recommended for us to watch The Substance (i think? Im tryna to forget the film because fuck im really not gonna be able to eat the things i was eating at the start of the movie again because ill remember the scenes)

Anyway

10/10 film as always, not really much to complain except on some goofy shit

Like bruh why the fuck did she sparta kicked the main body and WHY THE HELL SHE WAS SENT FLYING LMAAAAOOOOOO ITS JUST SO FUNNY LIKE BRO LITERALLY SHE WAS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF HERSELF LIKE DAMN LADY CALM DOWN THATS YOU WHY YOURE BEING SO HARSH ON YOURSELF GIRL, YOURE SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOURSELF NOT DROPKICK YOUR(self) GRANNY OUT OF A BUILDING (not literally)

But aight aside from me being a weirdo and laughing from a gruesome scene

Just. Damn. The movie really doesnt fucking pull any punches

The first reveal that smth was wrong when sue was tryna bang??? Like FUUUUUUCCCKK i couldnt watch that shit ON GOD like bro her insides falling out of the suit??? God dammit its so fucking disgusting i loved it (aside from me not being able to watch it LMAO)

Its was a really funny experience watching it cuz i love all the body horror's scenes conceptually and its so cool seeing it being executed but i cant fucking watch it because of all the gorey realistic stuff, like damn man tone it down CMON I HAVE A WEAK STOMACH BRO CALM DOWN

Uhhhh just noticed i dont really have any structure to all this rambling. So... ill just talk about some scenes

First and foremost

The first scene, Sue leaving Elisabeth is just so so SO SO SO good and perfect, her looking at herself and her "new life" and such, admiring all that she became is just perfect

And fuck when she has to (idk the word when you close a wound with the thingys) is just amazing (which again i couldnt watch properly yada yada)

(I dont really want to make this too long so, jumping ahead)

When Elisabeth starts to dissociate herself from Sue, saying that shes another person. And when Sue does the same, saying "She does nothing with her time, she only stands around doing nothing" is so... tragic, sad

Fuck i really loved all of it

Its such a perfect analogy (i think thats the word) to the pressure of becoming old, feeling that you're not good enough because of your appearance, that you're not perfect because of this and that, being so frustrated with your appearance that youd rather be someone else

Agh i love it

Also its a good analogy for drugs too, dissociating and all that, being a means of scapism and such, but the main point still being body dysmorphia, women being sexualized, pressure of all of it etctera

All around perfect, great recommendation

Yeah anyway ill try to forget everything by tomorrow because i dont want to associate all of the gorey stuff with. Nuggets. And chicken burguer

Oh just a reminder, love yourself, youre literally the only person that you have to deal with 24/7

So idk just try to spend that time not hating yourself, your existence doesnt have to be miserable just because you know?

Im tryna to apply that to my life, i know ill eventually get it

[weirdfreakshow]

Can I just say I love your bully Joel AU? HOLY SHIT the thought of Etho raping him and basically isolating him from everyone because "he's an irredeemable asshole, nobody would want to be close to him ever, right? Etho is the only person willing to talk to him at all" and manipulating Joel to make him dependent on Etho because Etho himself has become addicted.

Joel lashes out and rebells, just for Etho to put him in his place again and again. At first Etho just did it to shut him the fuck up, but goddamn if that brat wasn't the cutest ass he's ever had. At some point he just started manipulating him and making him have sex with Etho whenever (whether he wanted to or not) as a form of "retribution" and it's this fucked up toxic relationship but Etho doesn't care at all. All his friends praise him for always protecting them from Joel's bullying but little do they know Etho is doing something wayyy worse himself behind the scenes.

I also like to think about how Joel would cope. Like at first he'd cry a lot because it hurt like shit, but then why tf is his body reacting like this?? Why is it responding to Etho? Is there really something wrong with him? I imagine it makes him angry and defensive which causes him to get into even more trouble than before, which leads to Etho abusing him more, which leads to even more lashing out, and the loop just spirals until he's either miserable but still entirely dependent on Etho, or he starts liking it and actively seeks punishment (he never stops crying tho, Ethos likes it when he cries anyway).

Anyway can you tell I'm going insane??? Good food.

Oh my goddddd this. this is everything. I still very much cherish the Bully Joel au, it's SO good

And yeah! You got the looping spiral perfectly, that's kind of the drive for the the whole au to keep going and getting worser. Joel gets a bit shaken at first by it, obviously thrown off by being pushed out of his weird power play he had with everyone, being reminded of his place in the world as "prey", but once he recovers from it a bit he goes right back at lashing out. He's violent, mean, annoying. That's what he does! Lash out at everyone!

Add Etho into the mix and it all becomes a mess, because Etho makes him feel small and scared again, and that makes him want to appear scary, makes him be crueler with the pranks and his words, makes him want to occupy more space and let everyone know he's NOT prey, he's just not, he's not the little red riding hood, he's the wolf. Totally! It makes him hate bdubs, he knows he can't hurt Etho but he can hurt his precious "Bubs" instead. But oh well, that just gets him raped again! Joel is so fucking stupid sometimes!

And oh, when he actually is raped, speared on Etho's hard cock. It's just like he's a kid again, scared and shaking but cumming sooo hard all the same. He hates himself so much, what the fuck is wrong with him? He'll catch himself getting hard from having Etho's gross rapist dick down his throat. Slobbering all over it, taking it all in like a little fleshlight even if it bulges his throat a bit. He doesn't know what's worse, keeping his eyes open and having to look at Etho's lustful eyes or closing them and remembering other things that happened in the past. It's like there's no escape. He doesn't get to dissociate because he's just so horny his whole body burns, and a normal person would wish they were home instead of having to face this horrible situation, but Joel knows being there wouldn't be any better, so he braces for it. Tries to fight back sometimes, yes, but it's pointless. He's small and stupid and I guess his body WAS actually just made for being raped.

All their friends praising Etho is just so good. So . fucking . good . Joel knows not to mess with Gem, avoids Bdubs most of the time, doesn't even bother Tango even though he fucking hates that guy too. It's just fun, Etho says it's truly nuthin', its fine. Oh, always so humble, the guy. What a guy.

Joel already doesn't have THAT many friends, or if he did he doesn't seem to hang out so much with them anymore, especially Grian. Ever since he got a boyfriend they kinda broke apart, so getting Joel alone isn't a hard task. Joel usually ends up sitting alone somewhere hidden, like under the bleachers where he goes to smoke his older brother's stolen cigarettes. Hurting him and getting to his little head isn't hard either, after all he's all bark, secretly a sensitive kid inside

[rikomoriyama01]

can i ask about how many ways can a raven break (if thats one of the thing u can ask was a bit confused)

its one we really hope to turn into a fic we have a friend who is very excited for it (and is also our sensitivity reader) riko joins foxes and as part of his therapy with abby he keeps a journal where he writes long thought spirals any time he is anxious so that then he can consider whatever or not he wants to show it to Abby or not, the journal is here to help him keep his thoughts a bit more organized. At some point Riko notices new notes in the journal notes in German (his notes are always in Japanese) as well as doodles and drawings. this agitates him. he is aware that andrew is the only person reading his journal which he passively allows but after the notes started appearing he started hiding the journal. this leads to andrew growing suspicious, when few days later riko catches him going through journal he had hidden they get in a fightt (riko punches him all of sudden something that somehow never happened before). one thing leads to another and over course of following therapy with new therapist as bee was not qualified enough to diagnose him Riko is diagnosed with dissociative personality disorder (all parts of system refer to themselves as Riko but they do have nicknames they use as well) There is "Fox" (you can think about him as all my cute fox riko headcannosn and arts very energetic and full of life very fannon kind of riko)- Riko after joining the foxes, he is much more open in showing his emotions he is actually based on the rp "quarterhouse/roadkill" he dates renee aaron and kevin , genuinely loves life and is very unhappy when he finds out details of his condition - he feels extremally possessive of the body and time he has which leads to frustration towards other alters and fear that their actions might fuck up his already complicated life "Raven" (much closer to canon riko or even fandom riko - evil brody mad bad) - Raven was the first fronter and keeps most of memories from nest, this is why fox himself did not remember much form before joining foxes, raven hates fronting now, he misses nest he hates fox tower hates the foxes , his pride is still not healed, he does snot feel safe or accepted around them, he is nyctophile and still gets triggered into fronting any time its perfectly dark (when foxes figure that out there is some teasing happening about it which he despises) as well as when it rains. Raven loves kevin and feels posessive over jean and does not see reason why renee and aaron should be part of that. is the one who broke jean "captain" possibly riko's first split - captain is on the court and takes care of all things exy, he will become good friends with neil who will be the only reason captain starts fronting outside of games- just to chat about exy. captain is also not convinced about need for relationship with renee and aaron as he sees both to be mediocre players and he is straight (all of this plays a lot into aarons relationship insecurities and makes fox miserable and resentful of his alters). captain is very frustrated to find out he is not a captain any more and is pretty damn hurt over not being a captain anymore it is bit of crisis for him considering the title was core of his personality as far as he rememberer. later on riko get title of co captain <3 is very confused as to why jean can not play "King" - trauma holder, specifically physical abuse , hates fronting because feels phantom pains constantly "Princes" - a split made to help King cope with the psychological part of the abuse, princess is regressed little girl who just wants to be loved and cared for, jean is her knight and she can NOT find out who hurt him , it would break her

there is also danny who is split from one of riko's most constant abusers he does not front just provides bad vibes and keeps them on edge psyhologically fun stuff i love about it: Kevin absolutely can not deal with the fact that he is not the favourite person of all rikos fox woudl prefer not to choose but renee was his girlfriend before kevin became his boyfriend again raven sees kevin as his everything so this checks out captain also likes kevin but he end sup pretty taken by neils approach to the game over time princess loves jean and renee and idk she doe snot give a fuck about exy so can kevin shut up about it? (jean is delighted) king does not like anyone i don't think kevin should want to be dannys fave luckily nobody other than riko knows about danny anyway there's actually .. a lot of lore for this technically the ship is riko/renee/aaron/jean/kevin the same way like in quarterhouse but fox unlike raven feels embarrassment and shame for pact actions and doe snot feel even allowed to look at the man

[utilitycaster]

I'm Reading the Drizzt Novels and You Can't Stop Me: Exile

I DID knock a second book out, which means at this rate I will start reading books I haven't already read by May if we go by "two in a month" but by late March if we go by "one a week" I should probably speed this up.

Exile is much simpler plot wise and also, despite being the middle child of the Dark Elf trilogy, is the best, because it's Drizzt Depression Hours and also is our last long look at Menzoberranzan drama for a while.

So Drizzt and his lavender orbs ran away from Menzoberranzan at the end of Homeland, and Exile covers this period. Basically, being alone in the Underdark is soul-crushing, and he develops a dissociative identity he calls The Hunter who is focused on survival, but is at the risk of losing his personhood but for Guenhwyvar, who, as an astral plane summoned spirit of a panther, can only be around half a day every two days. He is fucking losing it and himself and is constantly having internal battles because he's so desperately lonely he risks being found by potentially hostile creatures but also The Hunter is like STOP WHAT ARE YOU DOING and generally he is utterly miserable. I enjoy this kind of shit in fiction, so this is great.

Back in Menzoberranzan, House Do'Urden, with help from Bregan D'aerthe (more on this in a second), wrecks but doesn't fully annihilate House Hun'ett but Head Matron Baenre is like "you shall absorb House Hun'ett and take your place on the ruling council of the eight top matrons" to Malice because Lolth wills it. Why does Lolth will it? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Anyway SiNaFay Hun'ett does NOT like this but goes along with it, pretending to be the eldest Do'Urden daughter. Briza Do'Urden, meanwhile, hates this.

Let's talk about Bregan Da'erthe because it's led by the greatest fucking guy ever: Jarlaxle. Jarlaxle is, undeniably, the most gay-coded character that has ever fucking existed. He is a bald drow man (in a matriarchal society) and exists outside the house structure, running a band of (male) rogues and mercenaries and assassins for hire and is basically making the most of his low status by being 100% only out for himself at all times. His outfit is rainbow colored in both the heat spectrum (this is how drow darkvision is explained, that they simply have infrared) AND the regular light spectrum. He owns what I think I described as boots of cuntiness which permit him to be soundless OR make sound, and canonically in a later book deliberately makes heel click sounds on a soft carpet in order to be Like That. He is generally at all times introduced as being one of a kind and out of the bounds of typical drow society and I love him.

The core of the plot actually kicks off when Malice sends Dinin and Briza (Drizzt's older brother and sister) to find him in the tunnels and kill him. They do find him, but fail to kill him, and Drizzt realizes "oh huh the highlight of my entire fucking year was my horrible siblings trying to murder me bc I'm so touch-starved that the lash of Briza's whip feels good, I should...do something about this." (He is also tormented bc he nearly breaks his vow to never kill another drow; as a paladin fan I love someone tormented by a nearly broken vow but like, babygirl they tried to kill you, you're being silly). What he does, because there's no therapy in the Underdark, is start stalking the svirfnebli, and eventually he sneaks into Blingdenstone, where they live. He turns himself in and basically gives himself over to their mercy on the grounds that he'd rather die among a relatively decent-seeming society than become more and more murderous in the tunnels. This will be echoed in a very unsubtle way by another character later.

Malice, realizing that Lolth is getting really mad that they can't seem to kill Drizzt, asks for a major boon which is inexplicably called Zin-carla, which basically lets her semi-puppet/semi-observe through the eyes of a reanimated Zaknafein, on the grounds that he is the only person who can probably kill Drizzt and also, well, it's real malicious. To do this, she sacrifices SiNaFay, which she and Briza think is just grand. Drizzt is at this time getting interrogated by gnomes who have silly names and talk a bit like Yoda, but eventually he asks about the gnome whom he spared during a patrol years ago. This gnome, named Belwar Dissengulp (this is not remotely the stupidest name in this series) vouches for him and also has sweet stone-working hands. He takes in the deeply traumatized Drizzt, who, after a brief but mercifully non-lethal Hunter outburst while hanging out with some gnome youths, starts to reacclimate to society and be like "wow so you're NOT all scheming against each other constantly? I must be in paradise." The gnomes begin to accept him as well and return his surrendered scimitars and panther, and all is very heartwarming until one day the Zakafein attacks.

This comes to the attention of the council of Blingdenstone because one of them, named Firble (also not the stupidest name in this series) is paying Jarlaxle for intel. This all travels up the line to King Schnicktick (still not the stupidest name in this series but we're getting up there) who's like Drizzt you gotta leave, and he does, but Belwar goes with him, so it's way less sad!

The rest of the book is their adventures running from Zaknafein and Drizzt being like "but my father is dead! but how" and I went long on the summary of the earlier stuff so the important things are:

They come across a pech (intelligent little rock creature) who has been polymorphed into a hook horror by an evil wizard and is losing himself and becoming the monster, in, yes, a very unsubtle and literal parallel to Drizzt. They call him Clacker and travel with him.

They run into the evil and deeply unhinged wizard who has a (written) accent I can best describe to TAZ fans as "Magic Brian" and best describe to D20 fans as "Romance Partner Baron from the Baronies." I am not an audiobook woman but I'm tempted to see how this is done in audio format.* Anyway Clacker loses himself to a rage and murders the wizard (Brister Fendlestick, not the stupidest name etc) and Drizzt is currently a fighter and Belwar has very limited abilities re: magic as well so they can't do anything about this. Also it's 2e right now so idk if you can just dispell or if you do need the original wizard.

The crew gets trapped by illithids who do their creepy-ass mind-control but as Zak is undead, he comes through like a sword tornado and unintentionally frees Drizzt, Belwar, and Clacker from their mind-slavery. Combat between our heroes, Zak, AND the illithids ensues and as Drizzt considers returning to Menzoberranzan to kidnap a wizard to help Clacker, Zak kills Clacker.

All of the above is interspersed with multiple cuts to Malice losing her shit as she focuses on controlling Zak from afar. Jarlaxle and Matron Baenre occasionally muse on the fate of House Do'Urden, which is truly up in the air as all this happens. House Baenre lends soldiers to help House Do'Urden defend itself while Malice is occupied; Dinin notices Bregan D'aerthe among them.

Drizzt and Zak have a final showdown in a cavern with ledges and also a giant pool of acid. Malice briefly loses control of Zak, who wrests control of his spirit and explains the situation to Drizzt and then jumps into the acid, ending his undeath. This is VERY bad for Malice, who is already as discussed falling apart (mostly figuratively but she has been rapidly aging as well).

Briza immediately stabs her mother to become the new Matron (Briza SUCKS but also this does make sense in that it's clear Malice has failed Lolth so it is the best chance for the house). However, House Baenre then launches its attack. Briza and Maya (who really has a very minor role in all this, Drizzt's unseen sister; fanfic writers this is some fertile ground for toxic yuri) are killed but Vierna is taken as essentially a spoil of war/powerful asset to be folded into the strength of Baenre. Dinin meanwhile is recruited by Jarlaxle, and seeing no other choice, takes it. (Fanfic writers this is some fertile ground for toxic yaoi).

Drizzt returns briefly to Blingdenstone with Belwar but is asked to leave as he did pose a threat by being there and, frankly, agrees. He decides to go to the surface with Guenhwyvar and see what happens next.

Anyway iirc book 3's most memorable things are 1. some sort of tragic event involving children who call Drizzt a "Drizzit" 2. Mooshie, who is not canonically Quebecois but is in vibes, taking Drizzt in. After that we jump to the wildly tonally different Crystal Shard (and Icewind Dale Trilogy) which I will attempt to summarize more briefly and with minimum grumbling about how much Wulfgar is a timesuck.

*apparently the guy who reads the Drizzt novels on audiobook is Victor Bevine, who is also CEO of some sort of Parkour-related foundation. However, Jason Charles Miller played Drizzt in a video game in 2013 which is very cool.

[parasitefun]

How do you do it?

Do you have plot armor?

in a sense, yeah, i have a lot of weird life circumstances that i haven't really seen other people talk about very often, and i have the decision making capabilities of a trailer park boys character, so my whole life has just been about trying to stack as many advantages as i can to balance out the setbacks.

very short answer: shoplift and apply for government assistance whenever possible (AND NEVER SAY YOU SHARE YOUR FOOD/EAT WITH OTHER PEOPLE OR THEY WILL DENY YOU FOOD STAMPS, also hrt is often covered by medicaid)

further context under cut, because i'm a lil self conscious to talk about myself in depth lol

both severely neglected by and obsessed over by my mom, grew up in unpleasant environment due to hoarding>supremely sensitive and dissociative, very attuned to other peoples' feelings (sometimes)

left in front of tv and books and unrestricted internet use (when i had access to these things)>get really into art and language and develop a strong mental catalogue of concepts and preferences

dropped out of hs and became a shut in>focus all my energy on writing fanfic/drawing fanart and eventually meet osman thru the hotline miami fandom

can only connect with crazy people>form bond so intensely with osman that he flees from his abusive family to live with me and my mom after knowing me for less than a year, we become inseparable and help each other learn how badly we were fucked up by our childhoods/societal lack of support for abuse victims

no ged so i have to take manual labor jobs to get us away from my mom>bodily dissociation and crazy work ethic make me a fairly competent worker drone

my mom actively demands i buy her shit and fucks up my credit score and fucked up my general life prospects>other family feels bad and helps us out in emergencies (not anymore now that mom has taken so much)

get injured a bunch/be malnourished and dehydrated/develop illnesses>have to take health seriously and work thru my dissociation so i can take care of myself because i have no other option

develop weed dependency to deal with issues>smoking weed is very cool

work shit jobs with disenfranchised people>gain a sense of dignity and respect for everyone at the bottom of the food chain, stop being self deprecating and work on liking myself because the world already looks down on me and treats me like an idiot so i'm not gonna just agree

shitty attitude towards myself makes me have a shitty attitude in my relationship, i struggle with being osman's caretaker so so badly and lose YEARS to being severely miserable and trying to shoulder my problems on my own>osman telling me directly how badly i was doing forces me to start dismantling my internal self harm mechanisms and i am able to be in the moment and take things as they are for like the first time ever this year

have no idea where i'm going in life>go all over and learn the hard way how i'm supposed to act

[ohwolfling]

I love you, I was starting to think I am going crazy with how wild people were going over the interview that didn't seem insulting/hating on Gale to me at all (at worst maybe on the interviewers part a bit) . I admire the way you're able to get your point accros without hostility.

A thing about me is that when I was in 9th grade a teacher asked us to discuss why (for literature) a character had to die. I, overwhelmed with how the book had ended, having a big feeling that I had never had from literature before, got very angry and snapped at her and cried in front of the whole class and got sent into the hallway.

And that teacher lovingly came to me in the hallway, told me that my reaction was out of line but not my feelings, and sat with me while I calmed down and showed me the beauty in that story.

I had her again my senior year. We read Wuthering Heights and she called us to her desk one at a time to see how we were liking it once we were halfway through (I wonder if she did that BECAUSE I was there tbqh lmao). I told her I hated it. It was miserable and no one will just do what they want or love who they love and I wish they would but even so I don't see a way out of it. And she said, "do you hate it... or are you just feeling as trapped as Cathy and Heathcliff are?"

It rewired my brain. It didn't make me feel less or fangirl less. But it made me a better reader, writer, actor, and storyteller overall.

I have been the person with the big feeling about fiction more times than I can count and it came from a place of being a displaced, abused, neglected teen who was finding representation and mirrors in placed I didn't expect, before I even knew those were things I needed. I know I'm blessed to have had the two repeat English teachers I had and lucky that despite my own poverty and challenges I was in a school district with AP composition and literature, with teachers who cared not just that we could read and write but that we could read deeper and deeper, we could write what WE thought, not what was standardized "correct," and we could be as passionate as we were academic about it. I'm blessed that while I had standardized testing constantly teachers still had enough wiggle room around required curriculum to prioritize truly engaging with literature on every one of those levels.

I am never going to be hostile about big feelings over fictional characters. It could be saving someone's life to have that big feeling. I just care about where that coping skill becomes maladaptive, especially in groups, because I am rooting for everyone. And to be clear I'm not an academic AT ALL. I'm a C-PTSD induced drop out who writes freelance at a variety of places, none of which are considered prestigious or important. I don't want people to read things a Right Way™️ or even a Wolfling Way™️. If I can I want to help people feel empowered to read it their way, support their argument, be able to see where their feelings and the themes touch, where their feelings and the themes clash. It enriches storytelling to do both but it also enriches BEING ALIVE because without art, who the fuck cares about what we're doing here?

And more importantly, being able to do both is so important if you tend towards intense coping skills, maladaptive daydreaming, other dissociative engagement, hyperfixations, etc. You'll burn yourself out if you can't juggle them.

I am your girl uncle or Patrick Swayze auntie as much as you want me to be. Do you but while you are here, please sit down, hit this joint, and take a breath, ya knooooow

[sideblogformindtrash]

may i ask, what was pet orfeu's training like?

Own honestly pet Orfeu is such a sad little guy. It was probably a lot easier to train him than you'd expect =/ orfeu has veyr different reactions depending on the point of his life he's at.

Like the older orfeu, near his 30's we know? Nearly impossible. Absolute nightmare.

Fresh out the system 18-19 soaping wet cat Orfeu? Not so hard =/

cw for bbu stuff, noncon, drug abuse, abstinence, sensory deprivation/overload, touch starvation; transphobia and lack of bodily autonomy

For starters, he submitted willingly, and per usual, he was in a terrible place in his life. He was exhausted, depressed, hopeless and struggling with addiction.

The first thing they did was talk to him about his body image and gender. Orfeu is gender-nonconforming, and if left free, he would keep his boobs. He likes them. But being any kind of non-conforming isn’t a good look for a pet, so they said he had to either fully commit and go with top surgery or go out of HRT and sing as a woman. He picked the first option.

He also had his tattoos and piercings removed, and his head was fully shaved so they could then grow it out on a regular haircut.  

The ~~drip didn’t do a full removal of his memories. He had already used it at this point, and omitted that information. But the memories he did retain mostly served to show him he was miserable and unfit to be a free human anyway. 

His first few weeks were very brutal as he was forced to deal with abstinence, mostly alone and locked in a room. At this point he tried to take it all back, cried, begged, screamed and tried to fight. They were somewhat understanding of the behavior since it was due to the drugs, but he still got a beating here and there.��

When those symptoms subsided they got him into a more regular training scheme. And at first, it was kinda challenging.

He was willing to learn and try to be good and his Handler saw that - but he was still Orfeu and had an authority hating, anger prone reactive ass. 

It took trial and error. THey first started with pain and corporal punishment, since they didn't have to be as careful since he was already scarred - but that didn’t have as much of an effect. It made him angrier and skittish.

Eventually they figured out what worked the best for him was a combination of sensory deprivation/overload for punishment, a semi-permanent touch starved status, and a lot of positive reinforcement and praise.

Orfeu has hardly ever been praised in his life, so even just being called a ‘good boy’ did wonders to soften his behavior, and they integrated a lot more of it and started exploiting that in his training. 

After that they started making more progress at grinding him down. They convinced him his anger was all part of how bad it had been before, that he didnt need that now, that he could be a good pet and that he would be so loved if he was good.

And well, somehow he committed. He also just started dissociating heavily, almost constantly and living in auto-pilot.

He didn’t really interact with other pets. They tried sometimes and he mostly ignored them unless a handler had instructed him to interact. He wasn’t able to hold very long conversations either. 

They did train him as a romantic, and it was kind of a challenge to not have him just dissociate all the time. Keeping him very very touch starved helped with this, since he would begin to crave sex even if just to be held.

He also took some classes. He did well enough on some, and failed miserably at cooking every single time. 

He was also very hard to sell. He is off putting to look at, has a weird smell, he can’t be in a house that has animals in it, and a lot of people found him a bit too numb and boring.

So much so he started to become sort of a company pet for a while. He just was easy to handle and have around, and some trainers liked to take him home on weekends and fuck him as well. 

Eventually however he was sold.

[crmsnmth]

September Sky Chapter Eight, Part 1

"Fuck you!" I shouted from the locked bathroom. It was the only place in the apartment that locked from the inside. And I needed to lock her out.

"You're such a piece of shit!" She replied. I could hear her breaking things, my things, and I knew if I opened that door, something was bound to come flying at my head. And I knew I was too tired to dodge it.

I hadn't slept in three days, so I wasn't all there in my head. That's what Emily was upset about. I was forgetful and couldn't do anything right at all. Only now she was saying I was this way on purpose. That I fought sleep so I could have an excuse for being stupid. Or in her words 'retarded.'

"What's wrong? Can't come out and face me, you fucking pussy?" Something hard hit the door and I could hear it shatter. Probably a plate or glass. I'm sure with how many times I've heard that thump and shatter, the floor outside the bathroom would be littered with shards of broken glass and porcelain,

"Fuck you." It seemed those two words were all my rattled brain could come up with. And that was fine. Those two words were my sentiments and if I said anything else, it would just be used against me. Like everything else that would come out of my mouth.

"No, fuck you. I asked you to do one fucking thing and you couldn't even do that right." She was in a rage because I missed two dishes in the living room. Two plates. Every chore had been done, to her standards. Even though those standards changed on a daily basis. It didn't really matter, because those two dishes were enough to set her off.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I was skeletal. I'd always been skinny, but my skin was never tight on my bones. And now it was. I didn't eat much. Not just because I was extremely depressed but also because I just didn't have time to eat more than a small snack here and there.

My eyes were sunken in. Lack of sleep does some strange things to the body. I looked like I was dying and I guess in a way I was. The stressful environment that was my waking days was killing me. I was going to die by pure exhaustion and sadness. That's if I didn't take my life first, and I had thought about ending it almost daily on the tail end of Emily and I's relationship.

I stared at myself, the sounds from outside the door slowly fading as I escaped into my dissociative world. There was no fighting and screaming there. No glass shattering. No fresh scars. It was safe there. I wasn't the worst thing on the planet.

"Open the fucking door!" She screamed and pounded her fists on the door. I had to wait this out. Soon enough her mood would change, and she'd love me again. We'd finish off nights like this, laying together on our couch, watching some stupid show on Netflix. That was her way of saying sorry. At least that's how I took it. She was the queen of the gaslight anthems, where "I never said that" means "I love you."

Her fists soon slowed and gained less interest in trying to knock open the door. I sighed slightly. This was almost over. I just needed to wait it out a little longer.

"Fuck this." I heard her say before her footsteps lead away and back out into the living room. I heard the TV turn on, some stupid sitcom filling the air with canned laughter. I sat down on the edge of the bathtub. I was shaking. Out of frustration and sadly, out of fear.

I looked at the line along my palm, remembering when she had tried to stab me. I knew that if I stayed with her, there was a pretty good chance I'd become another homicide statistic. And I didn't care. If this is how I was to die, then so be it. Life wasn't worth living if everything was miserable.

I waited maybe five more minutes before I slowly unlocked the door and stepped out into the apartment. It was quiet and it game a false sense of security. As soon as I was away from the bathroom, a plate flew out of nowhere, hitting me in the ribs and falling to the floor, now shards.

Emily stood at the end of the small hall. She was waiting for me, and I had not given her enough time to settle herself.

"You piece of shit!" She screamed, as she came running at me. I'm sure all our neighbors hated us. Her hands connected with my face, leaving scratches that beaded little drops of blood. Already, I was trying to figure out some excuse to why my face was full of marks. I guess I could blame it on the cat.

I tried shoving her away, but with no sleep and a lack of nutrition, I had no strength. She slapped me across the face for some unknown conviction. I grabbed her arms and looked her directly in the eyes.

"Stop fucking hitting me." I said, each word living it's own life as a sentence. I held tightly on her wrists, not caring if I left marks or not. I didn't want to be hit anymore.

"Fuck you." I think the words fuck you left our mouths more than any other word. Definitely more than I love you, or I'm sorry. Fuck you was our love language.

She fought against my hold, and it didn't take her much to break free. I didn't have the strength to hold her back anymore. So I took the clawing at my face. I took the pushing and shoving. I stood there and let her take everything out on me waiting for her to tire herself out. I took the punch to my face.

"You're an asshole. Fucking worthless piece of shit," She turned away from me and headed off into our bedroom. It was late but I couldn't tell you the time. I stopped paying attention to the clock and the passing of time months ago. When things were made clear. Things that this was no good, but I had no escape. This is all I was worth. I was worth nothing.

[mjmagics]

a note (k&t23)

Hey! This is a note for my book Kittens and Titus. It is simply a personal introduction on why I’m rewriting K&T, and my connection to the characters. I will not be offended if you chose not to read this! Also this is copied from googledocs and I’m too tired to format this how it is in there so please ignore titles of tv shows and comics not being bold or italicized.  

A Note from the Author 

Hello everyone! This is my Damian Wayne fanfic I wrote back in 2018/2017. I used an OC named Jade Constantine who was John’s adopted daughter and also Rachel Roth’s half-sister. She was a little Mary Sue if you ask me, and I honestly think Kittens and Titus (2018) was bad writing but it was crazy popular! 

I was introduced to comic books rather young, and the difference between a Tiny Titans comic and normal comics seemed to be ignored by the adults around me (I only remember getting in trouble for reading Red Hood and the Outlaws when I was 11. I started reading comics around the same age I learned how to read. I have a very specific memory of how I learned of Damian Wayne and his very fucked up story. 

I was between the ages of six and eight, and in the bathroom doing my thing. I liked reading my mom’s Calvin and Hobbes comics but there was only Garfield and I was not vibing with it. (As I’m thinking back on it ever since iPhones came to be I have never seen magazines or comics in a bathroom). Since I didn’t want to read the Garfield comics I picked up a Batman comic. It happened to be the 1987 Batman: Son of the Demon. I saw some crazy shit, but if you have seen Son of Batman which came out in 2014 you're pretty caught up as far as I can remember. 

I reread that comic over and over becoming obsessed with this son of batman. He legit is only shown as a baby in Talia’s arms once and also in a test tube when he was being created (I think. The last time my eyes were on this comic I was a child). I often liked to pretend I was Bruce Wayne's secret daughter and one day he and Dick Grayson would come to save me from my miserable life, so Damian was like my twin brother in my head for a while.

In 2009 or 2010 DC went through a new rebranding (I think) and Damian became Robin! I was ten at the time and a Robin my age was so EXCITING. All I could ever think about when playing pretend with friends is how I wanted to be Damian’s friend (or better yet, girlfriend). 

I spent most of my childhood in a dissociative state, and so most of my childhood memories are obscured by the ‘make-believe’ moments I spent in my head having a grand time helping protect Gotham. Although it may have not been the best for my future, it was a great coping skill for lil Mara.

My history with Jade Roth is very long, nearly as long as my love for Damian. I grew up watching Teen Titans and Young Justice (as previously stated) and my favorite character in TT was Raven. I spent a lot of sixth grade super dissociative due to problems in my life so at times when I felt scared I would pretend I was Raven. I even started talking in a raspy voice just like her. 

Summer after 6th grade (I think it would be 2012) I made a friend who also played make-believe with the DC characters and we decided to be friends. Our OCs lived in Gotham and were dating the batboys! 

She had used the storyline of Bruce Wayne’s long-lost daughter whose mom was rich and died so she had a bunch of money, and I came up with Rain, Raven’s little sister, who (simply for convenience) lived with an older Rachel and Garfield and moved to Gotham City to go to Gotham Academy from a scholarship given to her by Bruce Wayne (lol kinda sounds a bit like Artemis Crook). I named my character Jade at first, but as I had a Soul Eater OC named Jade I couldn’t keep using the same name (according to this friend). I was also obsessed with Avatar: The Last Airbender at the time and I wanted to be a water bender. In my head, I combined Raven and water bending and I came up with the Character Rain. I just decided on Rain since I was depressed and rain and storms were depressing just like me (oh god I was so cringy, no wonder I had no friends). 

I wasn’t very creative back then but I did write a short story on MissLiteratie (I think) and Qoutive called “set fire to the rain” like the Adelle song that was released in 2011. Rain was a hero with the team in Young Justice, so her love interest was between Dick and Conner. 

Rain and my friend’s OC were based on an image we saw once in a Nightcore video. It was two emo girls standing next to each other holding hands. If I find it on Youtube I’ll probably link it because it’s just so cringe but also so 2012. 

The final part of this story is my friend was kind of a bully, and she laid claim on Jason Todd and Tim Drake. (This may have been where my hatred for Tim came from as I found him to be the most attractive Robin [please remember I was 11]). Anyways, my friend said we could share Dick Grayson, and Damian Wayne was all mine. 

Of course I hyperfocused on Damian. 

The friendship between the two of us didn’t last long. We both ended up in foster care and if this friend ever reads this, I hope you’re doing well.

I wrote Kittens and Titus in 2018, but I started it in 2017 with a friend. I was 16 at the time and working through trauma my therapist suggested writing this story for the character I was desperately connected to. I did a whole revamp of Jade, making her have the ability to create crystal on her body, similar to how Kirishima Ejiro of My Hero Academia activated his hardening quirk. I changed her hero name to Crystal to try and erase my embarrassing past with Rain.

 I wanted it to be a whole series where Damian and Jade aged together, fell in love, hated each other, and eventually returned to one another in the end. I only got through book 1, and I haven’t reread the book since 2021, so I can’t recall if they had even dated expressed feelings or any of that other shit. 

I’ll also be taking out some personal headcanons of other characters that I had put in due to the young age I'm having the characters start at but eventually, they will probably be implemented again. 

I don’t know how far I’ll get in this, but I am definitely doing Kittens and Titus and probably finishing up the second book. 

I’m now 21, soon to be 22, and I know Damian grows up, but this story will stay when they are young. I did change Jade Roth up a lot, giving her a whole new backstory and life outlook. I think she makes a lot more sense, and the newer characters I’m adding in will help Jade Roth, now known as Jade Knutzvig, seem more real. 

I hope you enjoy the story, and for those who have already read kittens and titus, please bare with me while I continue this story I’m reconnecting with. I also want to clear up one last thing: DAMIAN AND JADE WILL GET TOGETHER BUT NOT RIGHT AWAY. THIS FIRST BOOK TAKES PLACE IN THE MATTER OF A FEW MONTHS AND I DONT SEE DAMIAN AS THE TYPE OF KID TO FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE HE BARELY KNOWS. IF THIS BOTHERS YOU DO NOT READ. I UNDERSTAND IT CAN BE FRUSTRAITING, WHICH IS WHY I AM LETTING YOU KNOW. 

Enjoy. 

[khashanakalashtar]

A few months ago I would've reblogged this with no addition, maybe left a #felt or #mood in the tags, but in the meantime I've had my meds switched out.

The thing I was on before was great at making me not suicidal, I was on it for like seven years, I would have told you I loved it. The first sign that it had stopped working?

Was not being slightly dissociated literally all the time. Which was leaps and bounds a better place to be than miserable, but I had straight up believed real wonder and awe were something I had simply grown out of. I did not think I was capable of those emotions anymore, the kind that lets you stare at a grasshopper and go, "fuck, this EXISTS, look at it!" The mindful kind. If anything, I thought those were emotions reserved for people not living in a world falling to pieces around them, people who had real-life friends and partners and job satisfaction, people who made it to the gym and took walks and ate well-rounded meals.

My meds stopped working and I got back highs and lows, both, I got back wonder and awe and feeling alive and I got back lying in bed using all of my strength not to hurt myself. A whole range of emotions I thought I didn't have anymore.

The first thing they tried me on muted the highs and lows again, but it did nothing for my executive function, and I straight up told my psychiatrist, the amount of sugar I'm having to eat to get myself to do anything is not sustainable. Honestly I could probably handle the bad days if I could function on the in-between days, but I can't make dinner or take a shower or get through a workday without eating handfuls of chocolate, even if my mood feels fine. And I pointed out to my psych: My old medication was a dopamine/norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor. So she switched me to something with epinephrine in it.

Y'all, someday is now.

Someday I'll read this book, someday I'll paint that picture, someday I'll start job hunting, someday I'll schedule an eye doctor appointment--it's now. I'm doing it. I can do it.

I read a YA novel in one sitting. I haven't pulled that shit since high school. I can do more than one thing in a day now. I've scheduled like four things, done the household chores before they started gaining sentience, tried to visit the cobbler and an art exhibit, gotten my mother's Christmas gift, refilled my meds, made serious progress on three pieces of art, applied for several jobs, read that book, planned my Halloween costume, and voted within, like, the last week.

Because, now? I can decide to do a thing and just do it. There's minimal arguing with myself. It doesn't take effort to move from the "fine I'll do it" stage to actually doing it.

I keep cycling through a couple repeating thoughts. "Is this what it's like to be neurotypical?" "It was never supposed to be this hard?" "I've actually been disabled for my entire adult life, in the legal sense of significantly impairing my ability to do things in several areas of my life and not just the 'mental illness counts' sense?"

And also, "Every time I thought, 'Is this really all there is?' the answer was no?"

It's not perfect. Brain still requires more rest than I want it to. Couldn't leave the house today, or spend the daytime working on art or applications, but I took a shower and did the laundry, including the ironing, and that's more than I usually get out of days like this.

(And you know what, it's a lot easier to get exercise or eat balanced meals or clean your shower before it molds or do activism if you don't have to fight yourself about it for hours. It's like the opposite of a negative spiral. It's easier to maintain friendships and develop new ones and consider career paths and find things that give you joy and purpose.)

You know how we're always telling suicidal teens that they don't know what their life is going to be like yet, that they can't begin to imagine how different adulthood is going to be and the person they're going to become? I think we need to stop forgetting that this applies to every stage of life to some degree. Teenage Kieran had no idea what life was like, because they had only experienced a piece of it, but early 20s Kieran and late 20s Kieran also had no idea what life was like, and they would never have believed Kieran today existed. I can only assume that I still have no idea what life is like in my 30s and 40s and after. The idea that "you never know what the future might hold" has actual meaning to me now.

I don't want to imply that all of you just need to get on better meds, I know that's not the answer or even feasible for everyone. I just want people to know that it isn't a platitude when I say you never know what the future might hold. You might get to practically-30 and have the hopeless grind of a life that you can't look too far in the future of without depressing yourself suddenly look like an opportunity.

Also that "not actively suicidal" is a fine first goal for an antidepressant, but maybe don't stay on it for seven years without at least considering raising your standards.

Someday might come.

i thought my suicidal late teens were the hardest years of my life but nothing could’ve prepared me for my 20s waking up everyday with no purpose, feeling so lost, unable to keep up with friendships, watching everyone move on with relationships and careers and being unable to catch up. and I’m such a “life is not a race” type of person but damn I’m losing so hard rn

[golden-sweet-tooth]

♡

I showed her a piece of myself hoping she'd understand and she rejected it, 'cause fucking everyone 'goes through it' in their life.

I guess everyone gets brainwashed, sexually assaulted, raped, becomes an emotional pin cushion and cut off from their family, friends, and loved ones all the time, right? Nothing special, right? 

Nothing that I should "let control" me, as if he had any fucking say in my life in the first place, right?

Cause no one's a special little "snowflake", RIGHT? You gotta be the bluntest brick of the bunch, you stupid fucking cunt?

I don't need to fight the memories or the thought of him because my brain decided I don't GET to think about it. I disassociate, I withdraw, I disappear. I forgot the fuckin word you told me not to do, but I'm alone in my room away from everyone and everything,

I don't care. I feel so fucking sick to my stomach - she started raisin' her voice, y'know? She always does that, like it's somehow my fault everyone wants to spend time with her.

Like its my fault she condemns herself to having a fucking family and the job leeching at her life, her shitty friends. Everyone wants her and she wants to cry about it.

I want my mom. I want her support. I want her COMFORT.

She can't give me that at all, any time I go to ask her for advice or help or someone help ground me, it's always gotta be about her no matter what.

And yeah, I'm fucking selfish and I look like a narcissist 'cause I'm focused on surviving, on getting the shit that helps me done and out of the way every morning so I can actually live life without feeling miserable the entire time.

It doesn't work but I think it helps to get it done while I can as fast as I can!!!

She has to win every argument, get every last word in until I'm screaming at her to shut up and go do what she was going to do anyways before she started screamin.

Fuck her. I hope that when she said she's been through this 'multiple times' she REALLY WENT THROUGH IT.

I hope she feels everything I felt and what I still feel.

I hope she breaks as much as they all broke me for 20+ FUCKING YEARS.

She has NO RIGHT to tell me that [REDACTED] is WINNING just 'cause I fucking thought about them, that it still triggers me, still panics me and puts me in a dissociative state.

ITS STILL FRESH! I'M ALLOWED TO FEEL! IM ALLOWED TO FEEL THIS WAY AND IM NOT OVER IT AND I WON'T BE FOR A LONG WHILE AND SHE DOESN'T GET TO DECIDE WHEN I'M DONE FEELING

AND ESPECIALLY IF I'M LOSING OR NOT

AND THIS AIN'T A FUCKIN' COURTESY CALL.

[onerebuplic]

basically I believe I’ve irredeemably fucked up my life over the years and that May, June, and July were the beginning of the end of my life.

And that despite my efforts and work, things are only able to get worse and any fleeting hope or optimism or self love I feel is just a temporary illusion brought on by my brain chemicals or medication or empty affirmation and outside approval from other people.

I feel like a ball of trauma who was just made to feel the pain of losing, the pain of not knowing, and the pain of what could’ve easily been. Grief for my past selves, grief in the present, and grief for futures i thought were possible.

I feel like a shell of myself, just wandering the valley of the shadow of death trying to find proof that I’m not damned and that it’s worth it to keep going. trying to find a light that isn’t the one at the end of the tunnel.

I often feel that my new default is miserable, if not tired, scared, lonely, overwhelmed, or actively numb and dissociated.

I don’t know anymore how to hope or dream in the face of something so uncertain and inevitable, especially when I’m this alone and this unique and the world is having its own problems.

I have good moments. But this is the bedrock of how I feel about my new reality, and my good days are the ones where I am distracted enough not to acknowledge or remember it.

I don’t know what could be on the other side that is worth going through this for. I feel that accepting this means accepting a lower standard of life that I don’t know I can get used to or be thankful for, especially because of how much easier and brighter my future used to be, and how much potential I used to believe I had.

Granted, I might retain a decent amount of my vision, and granted, my hearing aids are much better than they were before, and granted, a lot of this has just been part of my learning experience for becoming independent from the cult, and granted, I’m a lot better now than I used to be at being a friend, making professional level work, asking the right questions, and being self aware of my mistakes and bad decisions.

Yes, granted, I have all of that going for me.

But I don’t believe it’s enough to overcome this, and I’m scared of having to watch it happen.

I’m scared of continuing to move forward and being right about how bad things get.

I’m scared of being right and I’m sad that I would rather go back to my past when things were still bad in different ways.

I’m scared of continuing to watch my worst fears come true and having to accept them while nobody around me understands my pain.

I’m scared of never becoming the strong, independent, reliable, stable, creative, and inspiring person I’ve always dreamed of being.

I’m scared of never becoming the person that saves me.

I’m scared that I’m no longer worth my existence.

I’m scared of no longer having an answer for myself.

I’m scared that I’m not the person I’m supposed to be, or the person I could’ve been, or that I was wrong to dream this entire time.