#then realised that it made more sense to have like *real* *animated* *real* like that. So that's what we did!

[samkerrworshipper]

underneath the surface

umm so i’m back.. kind of? this fic was a rollercoaster but i hold it very near and dear to my heart. i hope you all enjoy it and find some comfort in it because i definitely do <3

warnings: no warnings just some medical jargon and talks of endometriosis!

Alexia has always been credited for her attentiveness.

Most people say that it’s the reason she’s such a good captain, and of course, she denies to everybody that she just goofs around less than some of her teammates.

But, inevitably, it’s true, Alexia is a lot more attentive than other people. She pays attention to the small things, the under the surface things, things that most people wouldn’t bat an eyelid at.

Although, in her opinion, she doesn’t need to be observant nor attentive to be curious about this one part of your relationship.

It doesn’t take brilliant observation skills to recognise a pattern, from the age of two most people are able to recognise patterns. For a two year old, it’s colours and shapes and different farm animals. For Alexia it’s become an observation.

It’s routine, a pattern, a constant repeat in your relationship that for the first few months she ignored.

Like a broken record constantly repeating itself, every month, without fail, you disappeared for a couple of nights.

Not literally, for those days you’ll retreat of the pitch and inside to the gym but Alexia still sees you everyday, and for the most part, you’ll still go out for coffee with her and go on walks together, but for at least three nights, sometimes up to 7, there are no sleepovers, no late night movie binges, no dinners.

It went unnoticed by Alexia for longer than normal, love was Alexia’s biggest weakness and it subtly impaired her abilities to be as observant as she prided herself.

Who could blame her? It was hard to be detail oriented when she was too busy enjoying the puppy dog love that came from realising that she was so in love with her life with you, even if it was still relatively new.

But, even with her focus partially impaired, it didn’t take a whole lot of skills to recognise the abnormality of what was occurring.

It was particularly abnormal, because for every other day of the month, you spent your nights at Alexia’s. Alexia would even go as far to say that you're pretty much moved into her apartment. Your dog had a bed in her apartment, your training kit and bag had a permanent spot at her door, most of your clothes were now sitting next to Alexia’s in her wardrobe.

Your apartment, for the most part, existed purely for the sake of storing all of your furniture. Alexia had brought up leasing it, you’d been dating for almost a year now and whilst it was a short time to move in with each other, the two of you spent so much time together that to her it made the most sense. Beyond that, it was her way of testing the water, to see if her observation was as real as she began to think it was.

Your immediate denial of the idea confirmed what she had been beginning to think.

Originally, she’d thought that maybe you were overwhelmed from constantly being around Alexia, it was a lot being at training together all day and then heading home to each other.

It didn't make sense though.

When you were together, you were attached at the hip. You were both naturally clingy towards each other and after questioning Mapi about it, as ambiguously as she could, she was backed up in that it wasn’t normal behaviour for an overwhelmed person to be so eager to be so connected.

So, the theory was canned and when the following month the same thing happened, Alexia’s curiosity peaked once again.

She moved onto a theory that maybe it was some kind of homesickness, that you just needed to sleep in your own bed a couple of nights every month.

But not only did you constantly complain about your own apartment and how unhomey it felt in comparison to Alexia’s, it was always the same week every month.

Which should have been the biggest clue, and yet for whatever reason it had completely slipped past Alexia.

It was only when one of the team doctors had approached Alexia about her cycle changing, that it all clicked for her.

Alexia’s period had skipped, and they’d logged it a couple of months ago. Obviously, without noticing, it had been because the two of you had synched up, which made plenty of sense.

Alexia’s period was an inconvenience, but it wasn’t a true bother, just something she had to put up with. In all honesties though, for her, her period was nothing to her, she had hardly any symptoms, her body functioned the exact same way, everything was almost the exact same.

Yet, every month, when apparently your period came around, you happened to disappear for a couple of days. Alexia would have loved to think it was a coincidence, but with her new knowledge, she decided to put it to test.

She wasn’t surprised, when the following month her own period came, a couple of days later you were back to hiding out at your place for a couple of nights.

Like lightwork, when you came back to Alexia, you were the exact same, like nothing had happened, and yet Alexia was certain that there was something being hidden underneath the surface.

A lot of people were insecure about their period, Alexia had grown up in a house full of girls, her period had been anything but stigmatised, and she was grateful for that.

She was self aware enough though to know that not everybody was fortunate enough to have that same experience. She was also aware that unfortunately, sometimes peoples partners could be unaccepting and close minded about those kinds of things.

So, when the following month, Alexia got her period and without fail, four days later you mentioned that you would drive yourself to training so that you could head back to your apartment afterwards, Alexia was already plotting away.

She had time to think about it during video review that day, there wasn’t a lot to focus on then when the team was coming off of a 4-0 win to Atletico and anything that was of importance, aAlexia had already noted when she’d watched the immediately after the game.

It was a sound plan in her mind, chocolate, a heat pack, your favourite italian takeaway, Alexia’s favourite hoodie that you always tried to steal and your favourite blanket from her apartment.

Alexia wanted you to know that you could be just as comfortable in her home, regardless of what was happening. Hopefully, in knowing that, you’d let go of the part of you that was so clearly avoiding Alexia.

Alexia, above being observant, liked to be a problem solver. She liked to take initiative, she liked to fix things.

So, after a shower and a quick snack when she’d returned home, she packed up all of the supplies. On the way to your apartment, which she hadn’t visited in months, she picked up food and then was on her way.

In the early months of your relationship, it had just been easier for the two of you to spend time at Alexia’s because it was closer to the training grounds and more lived in.

Whilst you’d been living in Barcelona now for nearly three years, your home was still in England, and it had been hard for you to fully settle into Barcelona even if it was your home for now.

Alexia knew it, so she’d welcomed you into her home with open arms. It had been heartwarming for her to slowly watch you integrate yourself into Alexia’s life, it made her happier then anything else.

So, she made her mind up that whatever this bump was, she was going to help you get over it, so that she could have all of you, and most importantly so you would feel like Alexia cared.

The feeling that Alexia got as she pulled up next to your car in the lot of your apartment was chilling, in her gut it felt like something was wrong. It was a feeling that set into Alexia's stomach as she stepped out of her car and hurried to collect her things before making her way over to the elevator.

Alexia stays as composed as she can manage, even though on the inside, the worry is starting to set in.

It’s not like theoretically she has anything to worry about, it’s not like this is an abnormal situation, but the weird feeling in Alexia’s stomach is putting her off and the only thing that she can think will make it better is seeing your face.

All Alexia wants to do is wrap you up in her arms for a moment, for her own peace of mind, to stop the off feeling that has been resonating inside of her as she’s tried to get to the bottom of this problem, that’s not really a problem. It’s an inconsistency, and one thing about Alexia is that she doesn’t like inconsistency. She fixes problems, she doesn’t enjoy living life whilst there is something that isn’t quite right, and she needs to make this right.

Alexia knocks at your door quietly, two little raps that she hopes you hear.

When she receives nothing in response, she knocks again, this time a little bit louder.

Alexia waits a few seconds, whilst it’s been a couple of hours since your session there is the off chance that you're in the shower or bath.

After quite a bit of waiting with no noises from the other side of the door, Alexia knocks once more, already pulling her keychain from her pocket and feeling for the spare key to your apartment.

When she finds it, she pulls it up to the lock, waiting just a few more seconds before slotting it into the keyhole and twisting it until it clicks.

The first thing Alexia notices is that your apartment is completely pitch black and if it weren’t for the fact that she saw your car earlier, she might have just left.

Alexia tiptoes her way through the entryway and into your kitchen, it’s hard to see much with all of the blinds pulled shut and none of the lights on, so she blindly feels around for the light switch until she finally finds it and flicks it.

The immediate groan that comes from the direction of your couch definitely does not go unnoticed by Alexia.

“Lights off.”

As fast as she can, Alexia turns the light back off, before curiously tiptoeing over to the edge of your couch.

You’re a lump under a pile of blankets, but she’s able to make out the shape of your body underneath it.

“Hey baby.”

You groan again, and the feeling in Alexia’s stomach only gets worse.

Alexia takes a few steps forwards, assessing you in front of her.

Her hand reaches out tentatively for you, she feels around the mass of blankets until she feels a part of your body underneath the pile of fluff, she follows the lump until she makes her way up to your head.

Your whole body is warm, or the blankets are warm, she isn’t actually quite sure where the blankets end and your body starts.

“Why are you here?”

Your voice is all croaky, and Alexia is certain you must be sick and she’s somehow missed all the symptoms of it.

“I wanted to spend the night with you.”

Alexia’s hand finally finds a bit of skin on your neck and she traces her fingers until she finds your jawline.

“Go home, Ale.”

The sound of your voice is making Alexia antsy, she can’t believe she’s missed the fact that you are sick.

“No, bebita, you’re sick and I’m here to look after you. I have your favourite food and chocolate, we can cuddle up in bed and you can sleep this off. I brought my hoodie for you.”

Alexia turns your head up, so your hair is peaking out of the blanket mound and she can see your squinted eyes.

“I’m not sick, Alexia.”

You keep your eyes crammed shut for the sake of not making the pounding headache you have any worse.

“Bebita, you’re all hot and croaky, it’s okay to be sick, I’m here to look after you.”

If you weren’t working so hard to keep your eyes closed you’d roll them, but that seems like far too much work for right now.

“Alexia I’m not sick, I’m just on my period.”

Alexia’s brow furrows, if your eyes weren’t closed you’d catch it. It’s the same furrow that always happens when Alexia thinks somebody else is wrong and she’s right.

“Bebita, this seems like a little bit more than a period. It’s okay, I’m here.”

You groan and Alexia recoils slightly.

“It’s just my period.”

Your deadpan makes Alexia confused.

“Your period shouldn’t be this bad. Are you having some heatstroke? It’s been warm out today, or are you having a migraine? You need to remember to hydrate.”

Your head is throbbing and Alexia’s theories aren’t helping.

“I have endometriosis Alexia, this is what my period looks like.It’s not fucking heatstroke or a sickness it’s just how my body is..”

Out of everything Alexia had been suspecting, that wasn’t it.

It suddenly dawns on Alexia that she can’t fix what you’ve just told her, she’s standing in front of you completely dumbfounded at what to do in this moment.

Alexia is a problem solver, she finds solutions for the biggest and smallest problems, and yet she doesn’t have a solution for the problem she is being faced with.

“Baby, just go home, the first night for me is always the worst, if I feel better I can hang out with you tomorrow.”

Alexia doesn’t have a solution to the pain you are going through, but she knows she isn’t going to let you suffer alone. The information that you’ve been doing this by yourself for a year now is making Alexia feel like the worst girlfriend ever and she’s going to change that.

“No, bebita, no. I’m staying here tonight, I’m here for you mi vida. Would it make you feel better if we got you into bed or into a bath? What’s going to make you more comfortable? Have you had medication? How about some food?”

When another groan leaves your lips, Alexia becomes aware that she’s approaching this the wrong way.

“How about I go and put the food in your kitchen and you decide what’s going to make you feel best. I’m here for whatever you need, okay?”

Alexia quietly tiptoes back into your kitchen, taking her time to put her things away and pulling two bottles of water from your fridge before making her way back into your living room.

You’ve emerged from your pile by the time she is back, your eyes are still closed but just seeing your face makes Alexia’s nerves settle just a little bit.

“Can we go to my bed, please?”

Alexia smiles at you softly.

“Of course amor, do you want me to carry you or do you think you can walk?”

The apprehension on your face is enough of a answer for Alexia.

She walks over towards you, picking up your blanket fort and body like it’s nothing and gently lifting you up, stepping carefully in the direction of your bedroom.

You groan out at the change of position, nothing feels good at the moment but Alexia’s arms are more comforting than the scratchy material of your couch cushions.

When she makes it to your bed, she lowers you down like you are the most delicate piece of glass, making sure that you’re tucked underneath the sheets before easing you out of your arms.

“Do you need anything? Heat pack? Water? Talk?”

Again, all Alexia’s words do is make the itching pain all over your body ten times worse, it’s all consuming and makes you feel choked.

“Bed, hugs, that’s all I want.”

Alexia is antsy, she wants to make the pain you are in better, she wants to know what to do right now instead of being completely blind in the situation.

“Are you sure? How about some pain relief or a cold compress?”

Alexia is no doctor, and up until five minutes ago she had absolutely no idea about this whole situation and whether she feels like she can admit it or not she’s terrified about it all.

She’s made up her mind that as soon as you're asleep she’s going to go on a deep dive of google searches to get to the bottom of this whole situation, but that will have to wait.

“Alexia, if you want to be here, just get into bed and give me some fucking hugs. I’m not in the mood to be told what to do with my body when I’ve been dealing with this for years, make up your mind of whether you want to be here or not.”

Alexia avoids conflict with you at all costs, she’s earned the title around your football friends of being your puppy dog, because she simply agrees to anything and everything that leaves your lips, and hearing you remotely mad at her makes her crumble.

“Sorry bebita, I’m so sorry, you’re right. I’m here for whatever you need.”

Alexia makes quick work of slipping her shoes off, something she never got around to in the darkness of your entryway.

She follows by taking her socks and outer layers off, stripping down until she’s in her tank top and a pair of old Barcelona training shorts.

Once she’s done she creeps around to the other side of your bed, slipping underneath the covers as subtly as she can manage.

When she’s completely covered, she lies back, unsure of how to approach all of this new information.

“You’re lying like a rigid corpse.”

Alexia gulps, she can see you in her peripherals, you look absolutely exhausted and in the kindest way possible, ten years older with the amount of wrinkles across your skin, bumps and ridges she can only imagine are the tightness holding in all of the struggle that you’re going through underneath the surface.

“Alexia, I’m okay, I’m not dying.”

Alexia knows theoretically that is true, she doesn’t have endometriosis and she’s not close to anybody who does, but she knows what it is. She knows it’s not cancer or something life-threatening, but the depth of the realisation that you’ve been suffering for so long and have kept it from Alexia is slowly pulling her apart at the seams.

You roll over slightly, it causes shocks of pain to go up and down your back and stomach, but you need the comfort as much as Alexia does, even if she isn’t ready to accept it.

She’s going through her process, compartmentalising all of it so she can be the brave and stoic face she always is.

You’re used to it, and you’ve come to realise that even though in these kinds of situations it seems like Alexia needs to be left alone, in reality she needs to be kept close by her nearest and dearest.

So, you worm your way on top of her body, it makes the cramps ten times worse and the nausea takes control of your stomach, forcing somersault after somersault, but when Alexia’s arms reach around you out of instinct it’s worth it.

You’re in pain, your uterus feels like it’s got knives embedded along the lining of it, like there are needles poking in and out of your back and gunshots being fired across your lower abdomen. But you’re well used to it, you’re used to the feeling of needing to throw up from having such intense throbbing pain across your whole core.

You’re used to the pounding headaches and migraines that come naturally from your body being so inflamed and agitated that all the tension eventually spreads to every single inch of your body, from the tips of your fingers to the edges of your toes.

Your head settles on Alexia’s shoulder, and her hand snakes it’s way down to the outside of your thigh, she’s being more cautious than she’s ever been with you and the normal you would probably be heartwarmed by her sweetness but the part of you that is currently seeing the worst kind of stars because of the cramps coursing through your body is just desperate to climb into her bones now that she is here with you.

It’s been ingrained in you since you were a kid that it was best to not bother other people with your weakness, it was your own struggle, your own burden.

You’d kept it from Alexia for this sole purpose, for the purpose that you knew she would take it all on as her problem, that she would try and fix it all and spend all of her time and energy trying to solve it all when you just wanted her to treat you the exact same.

She treated you like a princess everyday, but add a crippling reproductive condition and you knew she’d treat you like a priceless artefact. You were grateful you had a person in your life who would move heaven and earth in such a way for you but it was suffocating sometimes, when you were functioning on a normal level.

It was with those thoughts running rampant in your head that you slipped off into the same light sleep that you were lucky to drift into in these circumstances.

Whilst you drifted off, Alexia was left alone with her own thoughts.

Insecurity wasn’t something Alexia experienced often, she was secure in her body, she is as secure in her football as she has been since her knee injury, she’s secure in her family and up until today she felt completely secure in her relationship.

Now, she doesn’t know how she feels.

She knows that it’s likely you have a good reason to have kept this a secret, or a reason that you’ve justified to yourself. She knows underneath it all, you’re the one who’s secretly been hiding a big insecurity from her and she has no right to be truly mad about it, she’s disappointed that you haven’t felt able to share this with her when it feels like Alexia has bared all of her deepest, boniest secrets with you.

She does what makes sense, she reaches for her phone from her short pocket and begins to google all of the big questions that are swirling around in her mind.

You might have wanted to keep this a secret from Alexia but now that she knows about it she’d be a bad girlfriend if she didn’t educate herself on this.

So, instead of drifting off to sleep, Alexia drifts off into the land of medical journals and words that she doesn’t understand the meaning of but she’s determined to figure out.

You wake up in the morning in less of a state of excruciating suffering, instead of being stuck in a fiery inferno of hell you feel like you're dancing more on the periphery.

Your body is warm, in a way that makes you feel less like your insides are scorching you from the inside and more like you're generally just hot.

It feels like a caterpillar emerging from its cocoon as you try to unroll from the blankets that you’d swaddled yourself in the night beforehand in an attempt to try and make yourself feel as small as possible in hopes it would somehow shrink down everything you were feeling.

It’s a feverish dream, and as you recall your night, blotches begin to come back to you and the memory of your girlfriend appearing somewhere along the way makes the dull cramps across the front of your stomach beat in a way that makes you uncomfortably uneasy all over again.

As you assess your surroundings and open your eyes for what feels like the first time in months, you notice that Alexia is no longer in bed with you.

It’s all extremely faint in your head and there is an off chance you’ve dreamt it all up, but the very faint smell of coffee drifting through the air and folded up clothes sitting on the dresser on the wall across from your bed.

You’re feeling less deathly than last night, so you wager your chances with slowly sitting up in your bed, when you don’t feel any different you begin to lift your legs up.

Your muscles ache in the same way they do every time your period comes around, they tweak and they constrict like you’re an eighty year old instead of a twenty something.

It’s rough, it’s uncomfortable and it’s painful but it’s life.

It’s your life, it’s your burden, it’s your problem and knowing that Alexia is now a part of it all makes you queasy in a completely different way.

Your heavy on your feet as you stand up and begin to creep towards the door of your bedroom, with every step every one of your toes grinds against the floorboards. Your heel digs in, your ankles crunch, your body moves in a way that mirrors the way that you are crumbling from within. On these kinds of days, weeks and months, everything hurts. Everything is an effort.

Once you make it to your open door, you steady yourself against it, your nerves are working against you, everything inside of you is actively trying to stop you and you’ll be damned if you let it happen.

You only stand still long enough for it to be classified in your brain as a stall, not a break, not a stop. You can’t stop in times like this, if you stop then you’ll never get going again and that is a whole pit of fuckedupness that you aren’t ready to dive into.

From the door, you try your hardest to tiptoe your way through the hallway to your living space, but it’s impossible in your body.

As you inch closer, the sound of Alexia only becomes more apparent and obvious, and as you creep closer the agitation across your body only gets worse.

As you reach the archway between your hallway and living space, the sight in front of you makes your heart throb and your uterus ache even worse then it already is.

Alexia is swaying in your kitchen, apparently to whatever music she has playing in her head. There is coffee on the counter, accompanied by two bottles of juice and water, like she couldn’t decide what would be best. To accompany the extra drinks is toast, eggs, bacon and pancakes on the stove.

It’s too much.

With the combination of hormones in your bloodstream you’re honestly impressed that you don’t burst into tears.

Alexia’s still here.

Alexia, sweet, loyal Alexia.

You’ve been conditioned to keep all of this a secret, that during this week it’s best to keep yourself and everything you’re going through hidden, for the best of yourself and for everyone around you. Yet, here Alexia is doing way too much for you.

You’re downward spiralling when her voice breaks you out.

“Hey bebe.”

Her voice is close to a coo, the same voice she uses with Irene’s son. You don’t let it affect you in the moment, but you’ll think about the tactic of it later.

“I have food for you, and coffee if you want it, but google told me that sometimes that’s not always good for endometriosis. So I got juice as well, because google also said it might help with inflammation.”

The thought behind it is extremely sweet, and you feel slightly overwhelmed by all of the options.

“You didn’t need to do that for me.”

Alexia frowns, it’s slight and hardly noticeable, but the little wrinkle between her eyebrows is an immediate tell.

“I wanted to, I want to help you, however I can.”

The sentiment behind her words is lost in the sudden shock that you experience as her words settle in, you’ve never met a single person, besides a doctor whose job it was to help you, that gave a shit about this.

When you have no words, Alexia finds some for you.

“I want to talk to you about this, I want to know about it, I want to help you. We’re partners, we do everything together, and I want to do this with you. I don’t want you to lock me out and I don’t want you suffering alone. I’m here for this, I’m here for you to lean on.”

You nod your head, her words feel like a drug, like it’s lifting away some of the pain you’re going through.

“I’m serious, this isn’t something you can hide from me. You looked after me when I hurt my knee and I am here to look after you in the same way when you’re in pain. Bebita?”

Alexia’s hand falls to your side, caressing your hip gently.

“I’m not used to people knowing about this, and I’m even more not used to people caring, I’m sorry, it’s just a lot to process.”

Alexia’s face softens, and before you can say any other stupid mumbles, she pulls you from the hip into her body. Her arms are warm, and yet oddly they soothe your prickly skin.

You melt into Alexia, you feel like shit but she makes you feel marginally better.

“Coffee, or juice?”

You stifle a giggle that falls from your lips.

“Juice, please.”

Alexia relaxes her arms, taking a step back.

“Can I get you any pain relief, or a new heat pack? Is your headache better?”

Alexia looks at you with so much genuine care that it’s hard to not feel embarrassed.

“Pain relief doesn’t sit well in my stomach on a good day. I save heat packs for when the cramps are really bad or else they don’t have the same effect. My headaches normally are at the end of the day as a result of tension build up during the day.”

Alexia looks as if she’s taking mental note of everything you’ve just told her, for later.

“How about some food, hmm?”

You want to say yes, because Alexia’s clearly gone to so much effort for you, but you know that if you eat this early and then train your stomach contents is going to end up on a pitch or somewhere inconvenient.

“My stomach won’t keep it if we train later, I’m better to eat afterwards.”

Alexia’s brow furrows once again.

“I called the doctor and Pere this morning, we’re both taking today off.”

Everything warm and good about the moment fades, and suddenly all you feel is confusion.

“Why did you do that?”

Alexia steps away from you and retreats into your kitchen, grabbing a glass for you and picking up the bottle of juice that she knows you prefer.

“Because I thought you were dying last night, and you can’t tell me that all of that has just disappeared this morning. You’re struggling and you don’t need to push through pain to prove that you are worthy or good enough. You’re self worth shouldn’t be dictated by you proving to yourself that you can work through a chronic disease. I’m sorry that I didn't notice earlier and that I wasn't there for you earlier but I'm here to advocate for you now.”

You want to tell Alexia that you don’t need an advocate, you can advocate just fine for yourself. But a part of you knows that she doesn’t want to hear it and that part of you is also the part that is crippling from the inside and simply doesn’t have the energy to argue with your girlfriend.

“I train just fine normally.”

Alexia can’t argue that, even though you spend the time in the gym, she’s never heard of anything out of the ordinary occurring.

“But you don’t have to. In fact when I talked to our doctor she told me that she’d been insisting on you being more cautious of your cycle and spending more time resting during it considering your history.”

You roll your eyes, taking the glass of juice Alexia offers you.

Alexia plates up a breakfast that could feed a family of four, but it makes you feel less bad for not eating any of it.

“It’s my body, I know my limits.”

You focus on your glass of juice and not the face Alexia makes at you.

“You know how to continuously meet and exceed your limits, but what about just leaving them and giving yourself some peace. I know nothing about what you are going through, I can only sympathise. But I know this must be incredibly hard and I know you definitely do not give yourself enough grace and definitely don’t care for your needs enough. I’m here for you to confide in, I’ve done my research, I’m prepared to help however you need.”

It’s endearing how clearly prepared Alexia has made herself.

“You’ve done your research, hmm?”

Alexia nods proudly.

“Lots of it. Like about how orgasms can help with cramps.”

She looks like she’s going to say more, but you splutter your juice straight back into your cup, causing her to stop.

Alexia’s always been more open with her sexuality then you are, it’s culturally more acceptable in Spain but she also grew up with it being slightly more normalised.

“Alexia.”

Her grin is broad, like she’s proud that she’s managed to embarrass you.

“It’s true! Although for some people endometriosis can cause pain whilst having sex, so if you’re one of those people then it may not work but if you want to try I’m happy to help, fingers, toys, everything but mouths is on the table.”

Your blush only gets more cemented.

“I’m okay for right now, the thought of any kind of intimacy makes my fallopian tubes ache.”

Alexia nods her head, you are certain that sometime in the future this topic will arise again. Alexia’s rabbit-like sex drive makes it hard to not involve sex in everything you do together.

“Can I ask what your symptoms normally look like?”

Alexia’s lip is caught between her teeth, it’s the first time she’s looked nervous this entire conversation.

“Of course. Normally for me, I get bad pelvic pain which never really goes away, sweats, fever sometimes, cramps everywhere, i bloat, i get quite nauseous and occasionally it can make me moody. Furthermore, it can cause me to have migraines, some joint pain, insomnia, there are other things but those are the main ones. Overall it just makes me drained, i’m more fatigued but I can’t sleep, it makes me feel pretty lifeless.”

Alexia nods, she listens to every single word with so much attention.

“I always assumed the scars on your stomach were from getting your appendix removed, but I’m assuming now it’s a laparoscopy?”

You’re impressed by the level of detail Alexia has gone to for you.

“I have had my appendix removed but also yes, I’ve had two laparoscopy’s and I’m putting off getting my third done.”

Alexia nods.

“Do they make it better?”

You bite your lip before nodding.

“It’s never perfect, but for a bit it definitely makes my symptoms better. I’m putting off getting my next one because the last time I did it put me out of action for two months and it took me a while to get back to where I was. My body is different, it changes you. Before you ask, I’ve tried birth control, I’ve tried IUD’s, I’ve tried other forms of contraception, they all made it impossible for me to play football.”

Alexia shakes her head.

“I wasn’t going to ask you that, it’s your decision what you do and don’t put in your body, and I’m sure you’re just making whatever decisions work best for you.”

It’s refreshing having somebody not question what you do and don’t do for yourself.

“That means a lot to me.”

Alexia puts down her cutlery, her food somehow disappearing into her stomach.

“It’s just what love is, and I’m here to love you for forever, if you’ll let me.”

You’ve put off crying, you’ve tried your very best, but it’s not possible anymore.

The tears fall freely, and before you know it Alexia has pulled you into her lap.

It hurts, everything hurts, and yet everything feels so much better knowing you’re in her arms.

“I’ve got you bebita, I’m here now, I’m here to help you work this all out.”

——————————————————————

whelp that’s done! thoughts, feedback and general opinions would be appreciated! i’m so happy to have made something for yall and it’s rushed and super unedited and definitely not my favorite work but i hope you enjoy it all the same 🫶

[kasagia]

Let me follow II

Pairing: Na-Baron Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen x fem!Fremen!soulmate! reader Summary: Na-Baron tirelessly pursues and tracks you across Arrakis. You hide in the sands of Dune as best you can, but will it be enough to escape your soulmate with whom you want nothing to do with? Warning: violence; blood; Feyd Rautha; death; soulmate au!; Taglist: @avidreader73 @wo-ming-bai @shara-ne @alana4610 Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen's Masterlist ~•♤♤♤•~ Main Masterlist ~•♤♤♤•~ Part I ~•♤♤♤•~ Part III ~•♤♤♤•~

You close your eyes and hide your face in the brown scarf around your head. You listen to the sounds of the desert, the gentle sound of sand blowing in the wind, and the gerbils around you, trying to find some shade from the Arrakis' sun.

You breathe evenly and calmly, hearing the blood pulsing in the veins of the animals around you. You freeze, feeling heartbeats that are too loud and rare to belong to any of the creatures of Dune.

Your fingertips brush the sand beneath you, drawing patterns in it. You're manipulating the thick blood in their veins, and by the way you're having a hard time controlling it, you realise who your sudden guests are.

The Harkonnens.

"Did you sense something?" Your father asks while kneeling beside you. You sweep the sand with your hand, making your drawings and patterns disappear from view.

"The Harkonnens. In the southeast. At least 10 of them." You reply, poking your head out of your hiding place. You can't see anything in your line of sight, but you can clearly feel several heartbeats, unlike anything that lived on Arrakis.

"I'll tell the rest. Stay back. We need to make sure we don't have anyone following us if we want to get back to our sietch."

"He won't give up." You answer him, still staring at the desert. "Na-Baron. He will chase after me until he gets me." You don't have to tell him about it. He knows as well as you do that the Harkonnen's patrols have become more frequent and that you have had to escape from them faster than usual.

Na-Baron was looking for you. He made no secret of it. You know from your scouts that he himself commanded one of the units, moving through your territory like a snake, avoiding your ambushes, and entering your sietchs, leaving behind only ashes, ruins, and a sea of blood.

"He will never..."

"Are you so sure?" You interrupt him, scolding him for still clinging to false hope.

One day he will finally get you; the only question was how long it would take you to run away from him again after he catches you. And how long will you be able to enjoy freedom again in the sands of Dune.

"I… really would like to believe that I am." Your father admits it with sadness. You both turn towards the vast sands before you.

The sun burns down on you, making your body sweat more and more. The droplets flow into the tank in the suit. This is your only consolation. At least you're not wasting your water on your run.

"You don't have to protect me. I know Arrakis; I have my power. I can run away as long as I want." You say, glancing briefly at your father.

Now that the threat from the Harkonnens is even more real, you'd rather keep him away from it all. You wouldn't want them to capture him and use him as leverage against you. You didn't want him to get hurt because of you. Or anyone.

"You can run as lons as you are able to." He corrects you and pushes you back towards the rest of the group. You sigh, obediently following him. "And I want to make sure that you... are ready for what is waiting for you at the end of this race."

"Race with fate or time?" You ask him skeptically. You reach for your powers and try to refocus on the location of the Harkonnen group. Their hearts beat faster. You unconsciously wonder if Na-Baron is with them this time...

"You should try to get some sleep." Your father helps you to get on the sandworm you had previously put into a coma. You wait patiently until the entire group gets on the creature and wakes it up. Sand hits your face as the animals start to move and cross the desert.

"I... I have to be aware of our surroundings." You answer evasively, sensing Harkonnens. They were far behind you. For now.

"You can't be like that all the time. Go to sleep. I will take care of everything." Your father assures you and places a kiss on your temple.

You sigh, closing your eyes. You hadn't slept soundly for several nights, too afraid that you would meet Na-Baron in your dreams. If you did nap, it was only during the day and only for a few hours—at times when he couldn't contact you through dreams. You wonder if Reverend Mother could help you block this… connection between you two. But before you travel north, you must first hide out for a few weeks in the safe corridors of your sietch.

Maybe you'll manage to lose the Na-Baron who chased you so tirelessly. You were curious if the stars would show you such a great blessing.

"Thank you, father." You reply with a small smile, deciding to follow your father's wishes and try to take a nap.

So you snuggle up in an unfolded blanket and place yourself on the sandworm's back, allowing the walls of your makeshift shelter to keep you on the back of the rushing creature. The sound of the sand blowing through the air and the heartbeat of other people on it lulls you to sleep.

But as Na-Baron promised, you will soon find that there is no escape from him.

Even during the day.

There is blood around you. A lot of blood. It's pouring through holes in one of your hiding places' corridors. You cover your nose with your elbow and walk forward, your shoes soaked in the crimson liquid as you walk forward towards the exit. The blood reaches your knees when HE stands in your way.

"What is this?" You ask him, letting a drop of blood fall from the ceiling onto your lips as you move your elbow away from your face. The smell of blood fills your nostrils. But you can't hear any other heartbeats than yours and Na-Baron's.

"The future—if you keep running away. I must admit that each time it takes me a while to track you, but eventually you will make a mistake. And I will patiently wait for that to happen." You shiver, hearing his low growl close to you.

He acted so casually, as if there wasn't crimson blood dripping from the ceiling on you. He was too sure that his plan would come true. You wanted to tear away this overconfidence from him.

"And how can you be so sure of that? After all, you didn't even get a chance to take a few glimpses at me these past few days. How is your leg, by the way? I hope it hurts just as much as you hurt my people in your… prison." You scoff, not considering this small, cramped cell in the Harkonnen's stronghold as a real prison. It was a place of carnage, filled with death, the stench of blood, fear, and the helplessness of your people. And behind it all was your own soulmate…

"I'm very glad you are concerned about my well-being, darling. Especially since you were the one to stick a dagger into my knee. Fortunately, I have excellent healers. You'll find out about it yourself after our wedding night." You laugh mockingly at his words, shaking your head in disbelief.

How delusional he must have been to even assume that you would rather marry him than gut yourself before he even had the slightest chance to lay his little finger on you again?

"I would rather be eaten by a sandworm." You reply and push past him to leave. Feyd lets you in, inhaling your delicate scent as you walk past him. He grabs the scarf covering your head and untangles you from it. The material stays in his hands as you run away from him as far as possible.

Feyd takes a second to bury his nose in the scarf and inhale its delicate scent. He promises himself that next time he will inhale your scent directly from you—and definitely not in his dream.

He comes back to you, silently walks up to you, and hugs you from behind. He catches you by surprise and pulls you into his chest. You fight against him, struggling in his grip, but he just puts his chin on your shoulder and nuzzles his nose into your neck, not caring about your attempts to fight him.

"Are you enjoying the view?" He whispers into your ear and runs his tongue over your lobe. You shiver in his arms, and Feyd relishes every moment of how you feel in his strong grip. Like a small, trembling kitten that needs to be taken care of—taken care of by him and only him.

You acted so differently. In his dreams, you were a perfect little mouse that he could play with as he pleased, but in reality, you showed that you had a lot of rebellion in yourself to use. And while he was amazed by your cunning, thoughtfulness, and courage, it became irritating as he chased you halfway across the desert without making much progress. The itch in his pants was equally irritating.

"I'll never let you do that." You snap at him, pained to see the sight of a colonised Arrakis.

The Harkonnen's machines worked to extract the spice, and the bald men themselves... cleaned up the bodies of your men, feeding them to the sandworms. You felt sick just looking at it. And it was just a dream. You're afraid and wonder: What would be your reaction if it all happened for real?

"I'm afraid there's not much you can do. Especially from your little hiding place." He wraps his hand around your throat and squeezes it tight. You gasp in shock, struggling for air. You grab his hand and try to pull it away from your neck, but he's not strong enough for you to even make him move an inch. "Either you leave your little hiding place willingly, or I will chase you out with smoke, fire, and the blood of your people."

“Possibly…” You breathed out, wrapping your hand around the hilt of his sword. "But first you have to find me." You gasp and pull his blade from its sheath.

You swing, aiming for his exposed neck, but he anticipates your attack. He pushes you, disturbing your balance. You fall to your knees on the sands of Arrakis, breathing heavily as air finally flows freely into your throat.

However, this small moment of bliss does not last long. You roll onto your back and block his attack. Your blades clang as they meet, sweat dripping down your forehead and your heart racing, pumping adrenaline further through your system.

Na-Baron is on one knee, pressing his black steel sword at you. You shiver, feeling your muscles slowly give out, tiring as you try to push him away.

You gasp, pushing both of your blades out of each other's hands. You squeeze his neck in a tight grip, at which he does the most astounding, shocking thing—a thing that you didn't expect anyone to do in this situation.

He takes advantage of your surprise and disarms you. You growl, digging your nails into his neck and squeezing as hard as you can, cutting off any air he can get, but that seems to do no serious harm to him. You gasp as he collapses on top of you, pinning you to the sand with his full weight, and captures your lips in a passionate kiss.

There is nothing gentle about this kiss—and you don't expect it to be. You've learnt that the Harkonnens are rough, brutal, and sadistic. Their leader must therefore be far worse than they are, representative of the thoroughly disgusting nature of his people.

And though you fight and squirm, trying to break free from his grip, you can't say you don't like the way his mouth takes control of yours. You find it strange that even though you hate his insides and everything he stands for, somehow his touch, kisses, and scent still numb you in a… pleasant way.

This must be another spell of his, another trick he uses to draw you into him. You're still not sure exactly how he created this... connection between you, but you know it's definitely not natural. He may have been your soulmate, but centuries ago someone made sure you didn't feel any connection to the person you were supposed to be with.

You shiver as he caresses the skin of your wrist, where a centuries-old scar with the initials of your soulmate is visible. His initials, as it turned out.

"Tell me your name." He demands, pressing wet kisses along your jawline. You hiss at the feel of his cold, black saliva on your skin, the way it soaks into you... you can't waste any water...

You shake your head, trying to pull away from his small kisses, but that only gives him more room to manoeuvre on your skin. You can only sigh and bite your lip as he caresses you through the layers of your clothes, searching like a snake for a place he can crawl into to feel the softness of your skin.

"Your. Name. My. Desert. Rose." He growls with each press of his lips to your skin, fighting against your grip on his neck as you try to strangle him. Which proves to be a difficult task since you’re distracted by sensations he is giving you. Sensations you are ashamed of feeling. But your body can’t recognise an enemy like your mind can.

“Fuck off,” you say, glad for the little bit of control you still have over your body. Your lower half inevitably responds to his demands, growing wet and desperate for his touch. It takes all of your control not to join in his fun and grind against his thigh in time with the way he rubs the growing bulge in his pants against you.

"Oh, I will. As soon as I get my hands on you, I will." He growls against your neck with every last bit of air he has.

You shudder as his teeth sink into your flesh; he groans as if he's just tasted the finest, blood-red wine. The fingers of his hand dig painfully into your hips as he grinds against your core. You bite your lip, barely holding back a moan as you feel his hard length.

"I will find you. I will find you and fuck you until you forget you hate me. You will cry with pleasure, scream, and beg for more. I will turn you into my perfect, obedient whore, my desert rose. I will claim you as I claim Arrakis and your people. You will be a beautiful embodiment of my power—my pretty little prize." He growls against your skin, slowly removing your top layer of clothing. Your body shivers; goosebumps rise on your skin with each gentle brush of his fingertips.

You move your hand to the back of his head, digging your nails into the pale skin. He hisses, sucking a hickey on your neck, unaware that you've stolen his dagger…

You feel him freeze as you drive the dagger straight through his neck. Black blood drips down onto you, running along your collarbone and soaking into the fabric of your bra.

"You… will be mine…" He growls with his last strength, spitting blood at you as the connection between you closes. And you fall into the black void of dreamless sleep. A void where you deeply ponder what you've seen.

~•♤♤♤•~ A month later... ~•♤♤♤•~

You stroll through the marketplace, your nose buried in your black scarf. You discreetly observe the Harkonnen soldiers patrolling the area as you push through the sea of people to get to the waterskin stand.

Some women give you a sympathetic look, seeing your "mourning" attire; others try to look away. You mentally praise yourself for choosing your cover. It wasn't so easy to get a widow's black outfit, but it was worth the effort. The Harkonnens, despite their reputation for great brutality, didn't touch widows and didn't talk to them; they weren't the object of any interest or suspicion. It was strange that in all their brutality, lack of morality, and so on, they respected the period of mourning, especially for women.

You had been on the run from Feyd for a month now. During that time, you had separated yourself from your father and your group so that you could at least protect them from the wrath of the furious Harkonnen who was searching for you.

Although you must admit that the chase after you has slowed considerably in the last few days. You suspect that this had something to do with the baron's arrival on Arrakis. And his... unexpected death.

Yes. Feyd-Rautha became the new baron. You suspected that was why his men had been searching for you so intensely. However, to your great disappointment, he did not leave to Giedi Prime but remained on Arrakis.

You had thought long and hard about the reason, Na-Baron... Baron had decided he had to have you. Sure, you were his soulmate, but why had he decided now that he wanted you on his side? What did you have to offer him that made him willing to slaughter all of your men, destroy Dune, and devote practically all of his soldiers to finding you? There had to be something to it.

Your soulmate mark was the same enigma. There must have been a reason someone decided to cut out your skin with Harkonnen's initials tattooed on it, leaving you with only a faint scar.

You buy water, straining your ears to listen to the rumours carried by the Fremen whispering around you. Everyone was talking about only one thing.

A possible attack by Muad'Dib on the Emperor, his daughter, and the new Baron. These three had gathered recently on Arrrakis to discuss some of their business. Perhaps the main topic of their conversations was the new messiah of your people—the one they had spoken of for centuries, the one who would bring heaven to the sons and daughters of the desert.

You had only seen Muad'Dib once. And you preferred to keep it that way. You didn't read his eyes well. Instead of the expected messiah, you saw a coldly calculating man hungry for power, willing to do anything to avenge those who had brought ruin to his house. Paulk Atreides might have been less of a threat to your people than the Harkonnens, but he was still a threat. Especially his Bene Gesserit mother, who had become the reverend mother. And even more so the child in her womb.

The Harkonnens brought destruction and death. But in your visions (on those nights when you didn't dream of your soulmate/nemesis), you saw Paul Atreides pouring a sea of blood onto Arrakis, which seeped into every tiny sand of Dune.

Neither of them were good choices for your people.

You flinch as a hand lands on your shoulder. You peek out from behind your veil and meet Stilgar's stern gaze.

"What you are doing right now is a profanation." He snorts at you, leading you through the crowd of people and away from the watchful eyes of the Harkonnen soldiers.

"At least I don't attract as much attention as I would without this outfit."

"Let's get out of here. Muad'dib will arrive soon. You'll see, he'll do everything right." He assures you as he leads you out of the market. You shiver as you feel the eyes of passersby on you.

You stumbled upon Stilgar a week ago by accident while travelling to the main city. Your original (crazy) plan was to sneak into the landing site and grab one of the less guarded ships. And a pilot of some sort. It's not like you've had a chance to learn how to fly those weird metal contraptions.

However, your plans changed after your conversation with him. He planned a coup with Muad'dib to get rid of the Harkonnens from the lands of Arrakis once and for all. And your... extraordinary abilities were not unknown to him. You were to help in overpowering the troops so that their messiah could get to the council chamber with his men.

It was supposed to be a quick and short action.

So of course it wasn't like that at all...

You manipulate the blood of the guards, quickly and silently stopping the Harkonnen hearts. Stilgar and Muad'dib and their men follow you through the fortress corridors. You stop only in the council chamber, where the Emperor and the new Baron of Giedi Prime were supposed to be.

But there is no one in the room.

A moment later, Harkonnen troops surround you. You reach out to use your powers, but the moment you try to manipulate the blood in the Harkonnen veins, an unimaginable wave of pain passes through you. You kneel, clutching your stomach, and take a few quick breaths, looking around the room. Your gaze falls on an old Bene Geserit, who is whispering something under her breath, playing with a stone in her hand—a moonstone.

As you writhe in pain on the floor, you are oblivious to everything around you. You feel like every fibre of your body has been burned by the sun, but there is nothing you can do to end your agony.

"One more move, and I will kill her!" Muad'dib screams, pulling you roughly by the hair and pressing his blade to your throat.

Bloody tears begin to flow from your eyes. All you can see is red, your lungs burn, and your breathing becomes too ragged for you to make any kind of threat. Besides, in this state, you have a pretty low level of intimidation.

"Put it down, Atreides... before you do something you will regret." You shiver as you recognise the voice of your soulmate.

"Then let us pass, and maybe I'll spare your bloody witch."

You knew that if they didn't come to an agreement, there would be a real massacre here. And maybe the Fremen seemed to be in a weaker position now, but everyone knew perfectly well that one of their warriors was worth six Harkonnens. But neither side could be sure of victory. After all, it happened more than once that the outcome of the battle was unexpected by both sides.

"You know this is non-negotiable. You're in no position to make demands on me… and she's not worth this much trouble."

"Is that why you chased her across half of Arrakis with your men?"

"It was while we were conquering more territories. I never said that this expedition was specifically dedicated to finding her. As far as I'm concerned, you can cut her sweet throat. My only regret will be that I wasn't the one holding the blade that would inflict her final wound." The man behind you tenses, his grip on your hair tightening in anger and the dagger at your throat twitching dangerously, causing a trickle of blood to leak from the small wound he’d inflicted on you.

"One word from me, and the Atreides' explosives around the spice mines will be destroyed. Including those around the stronghold. I may not get out of this unscathed, but I will drag you all with me to my grave."

"You're bluffing." The Emperor replies coldly, but you can sense the underlying fear in his tone. You didn't know Paul Atreides, but from the rumours about Muad'dib, you could tell he was unpredictable. He could lie just as easily as he could tell the truth. You don't know which was worse.

"Let her go and face me if you want to accomplish anything. As you said earlier: Enough blood has been spilt."

"Since when do you dislike bloodshed?" You can actually see the mocking smile on Muad'dib's face without even having to turn to face him.

"Since I'm not the one who's having the most fun with it." The silence and tension in the room become more noticeable to you than the searing pain in your insides. The tears have stopped falling from your eyes, but it still hurts to breathe. However, you've gotten used to the pain enough that your vision returns, and the blurs in front of you become real people. "Let's finally put an end to this. One-on-one. Winner takes all." The growl of your soulmate sends a cold shiver down your spine.

You weren't quite ready for what was to come, and though you saw flashes of visions of this duel, the outcome never presented itself to you. However, you felt that after this, nothing would ever be the same.

"Rautha..." The Emperor begins with a warning, but before he can finish his sentence and express his concerns, Atreides speaks first:

"I accept."

These two face each other, just like in your dream. Both prepare for battle and present their blades to the other with a mocking "May your knife chip and shatter." The fight begins; both of them deal equal blows to each other, but after a while you realise that it is not Harkonnen who emerges victorious.

The visions you had start to replay before your eyes. You know perfectly well that if you don't react, Feyd will die. And while you liked the idea before, now the thought makes you feel sick, and the pain in your chest only increases.

Suddenly, the sounds around you stop reaching you; all you can hear are the whispers of the Reverend Mother. And suddenly, before you know it, your soulmate scar opens up and begins to bleed. Only your blood isn't red—it's black. You bite your lip to hold back a scream and feel SOMEONE reach for your powers. You are forced to direct the blood in Harkonnen's body and stop the bleeding from the Atreides blade.

This gives Harkonnen enough time to launch a counterattack and deal the final blow to the Atreides.

You gasp in shock, unable to explain why your powers went out of control. Or why blood suddenly began to gush from your wrist. But before you lose consciousness and slump to the floor, you see the dead body of Muad'dib fall to the floor next to you.

As you expected, you wake up chained to a bed with a muzzle in your mouth. You try to break free from your bonds, but it's futile. All you manage to do is shake your chains and make a noise that attracts the attention of the bald Harkonnen's servants.

Five women surround you, trying to keep you in place. You scream and struggle, trying to push their hands away from you as the door swings open with a loud bang.

They freeze the moment Baron Feyd-Rautha enters the room.

He barks a few words at them in their language and waits for them to move away from you. You shiver as you are left alone in the room with him, completely at his mercy and whims. He takes a few slow steps towards you, watching you closely.

"I knew you'd look beautiful chained to the bed." He says teasingly and strokes your cheek with his ring finger.

You tremble under his watchful gaze, your heart beating like crazy, but when you reach for your powers to use them, you feel blocked. You hold your breath in shock as he continues to draw patterns on your cheek, moving lazily to your neck.

"Surprised? I'm a patient man. Very patient. As soon as I heard about your little special ability, I had to find out the source of it… and learn exactly how to control it so you wouldn't rip my heart out of my chest the moment we will be finally alone."

His hand slides down to your chest. You sigh as he cups your breast in his hand, massaging it slowly, digging his fingers into it. You hiss, but no sound comes through the gag. Harkonnen hums, sitting on the edge of the bed and leaning closer to you as he continues to abuse your breast through the material of the new clothes you don’t recognise and the blanket you’re covered in.

"Hmm… I think I'd rather hear those little sounds of yours." He says thoughtfully and leans towards you. His nose brushes against yours as you lie frozen beneath him. "And kiss those sinful, irritating lips."

Before you can react, he presses the dagger to your cheek. You shiver as the cold steel grazes your heated skin. Harkonnen takes his time. He plays with you, drawing patterns into your skin, drinking in every hitch in your breath, the quickening movement of your chest, and the look in your eyes as you give him one of your furious ones.

"It's amazing how even after having all your fangs pulled out, you don't lose your ferocity, my little, wild, dessert rose." He cuts your muzzle and removes it from you. You grunt and cough, feeling your throat become terribly dry, almost as dry as it was on Arrakis during the worst sandstorms.

He places a few pillows behind your back, moves you into a sitting position, and holds a glass of water to your lips. You have no choice but to drink, hoping that he doesn't intend to poison you since he went through so much time and effort to find and trap you.

His intense gaze pierces through you, and you wonder what is more uncomfortable—the chains around your wrists and ankles or his blue irises focused entirely on you.

As he places his glass on the table, you finally decide to speak to him.

"I see that I should have stabbed you harder." You growl, looking with distaste at how well he moves. His knee is practically healed.

"I see I should have tied you up tighter." He responds to your attack with equal venom.

"What did you do to me? What did your old hag do? Why don't I feel…"

"Take it easy, little warrior. You don't expect me to tell you my tricks before we get home, do you?" The blood is boiling in your veins. You have an irresistible urge to slow down his heartbeat and make him faint and hit his head on the floor, or better yet, some metal rod, but you don't feel anything. You can't manipulate the blood; you can't feel the hearts beating around you. And you feel so damn defenceless because of it.

"I am at home." You growl angrily, trying your best to fight back the tears that were dangerously starting to form in your eyes.

"No, you're not. Your home is where I am. Which is currently Giedi Prime. We'll land there in two days." You stiffen when you hear this. The knowledge that you're leaving Arrakis and that you'll likely never see your friends and father again hits you like a slap in the face.

"What do you think gives you the fucking right to…"

"As your husband and soulmate, I have the right to certain things." Now you freeze completely at his words. Husband? What the hell? What husband?

"What the fuck?"

"Language." He hisses at you and sits down next to you. He gently smooths your hair, and you catch the glint of a black wedding band on his finger. He smiles when he notices you see his newest piece of jewelry. "We'll have to work on that. Since you're a Baroness, a certain degree of… courtesy and manners is expected of you. But don't worry. I'll make sure you learn the skills you need quickly."

"I'm not your damn wife. Or your soulmate."

"Look at your left hand, my darling."

You reluctantly do as he tells you. You gasp in shock when you see that instead of the familiar scar, you have a black tattoo of his initials. And a huge ring on your ring finger. A matching ring to the one Harkonnen wore now.

"How..."

"A Bene Gesserit sister restored the link between our souls that you so brazenly severed. As a child, I believe. Tell me, were you that afraid of me, my love? Did you never even think for a moment that maybe you should get to know me before you try to destroy such a sacred connection?"

"You will pay for this... I swear you will." You vow to yourself and to him furiously, now only reassuring yourself that you were right about him all along.

"Two years with me, and I'll make sure you don't even think about hurting me, let alone running away from me. Besides, it'll be quite a task to run away with a baby on your breast, don't you think?" He whispers, leaning into you. You move to bite his nose, but unfortunately he pulls away before your teeth can even lightly graze his skin and chuckles darkly.

"Once I get my powers back, I'll make sure you die a long, slow death. You'll beg me to kill you." You growl through your teeth, giving him a hateful look.

He just smiles and strokes your jaw gently, treating you like you were a child who has a tantrum. You want so badly to break free from these chains and hurt him...

"Don't worry, honey. We have plenty of time to get to know each other. But let's get started, what do you think?" Before you can react, he straddles you and crushes his lips against yours.

You buck, trying to somehow throw him off balance and push him off of you, but he only tightens his grip on your arms and presses himself closer to you. His hips grind against yours, showing you all too well how lustfully he reacted to your little struggle with him.

He tangles his hand in your hair and pulls your head back, giving himself better access to your neck. He trails kisses from your lips, along your jaw, and down the column of your neck as he settles his attention on your collarbone. You bite your lip as he bites into you with a growl, much like a wolf gnawing at its prey.

"No lip-biting. I want to hear all the little sounds you make."

"Fuck off, psycho." You growl, struggling beneath him and trying to get away from him. He clicks his tongue at you and runs it along your neck, up to your ear, leaving a wet trail of saliva.

"Is that how you address your dear husband? Haven't these wild rats taught you anything?" He mocks you and pulls out his dagger. To your protests, he cuts your dress in half one swift movement, exposing your bare chest to him. You gasp, surprised when he immediately sucks onto your breast, nipping and teasing your nipple.

Your hands grip the sheets beneath you, and even though you hate him with all your heart, the sensations he's giving you are… more than pleasant. You blush as he slides between your legs and moves his mouth lower and lower.

"My beautiful soulmate and wife, I have waited for you for so long." He mumbles against your skin, brushing his plush soft lips against your breast. You clench your thighs, wanting to block his access to you, but it only stops him for a moment.

In one powerful movement, he spreads your legs and buries his head between your thighs. You cry out as he brutally sinks his teeth into your thigh, marking you and drawing your blood. He licks his lips with a groan, as if it were the sweetest nectar he'd ever tasted, and runs a finger over that new, sensitive wound, spreading your blood up your thigh and all the way up to where you were shamefully wet for him.

These sensations are even more intense than when you were dreaming. You don't know if it's because you now realise that this isn't just a dream and that he poses a real threat to you. You also feel... overwhelmed by emotions. Your desire is much greater, and for a moment it seems to you that your emotions are no longer really just yours...

You sigh as his tongue teases your soaked folds. You try to crush his head between your thighs, but that only seems to encourage him more. You moan as you feel his tongue reach parts of you that you didn’t think he could explore in this position.

Suddenly your hands are free. You pretend not to notice as he undoes the handcuffs on your hands. Your brain works at an incredible speed as you think about what you should do in this situation. Without your powers and weapons, you could do very little, chained to the bed.

He clearly wanted you to give yourself to him, to feel what he felt for you. You could play that game for a while—just until you got your powers back. Then maybe you could somehow escape from him again...

So instead of trying to strangle him, you dig your nails into the back of his head, pulling him closer to you with a soft moan.

He groans at the feeling of your hands on his head. He strokes your hips with his thumbs, drawing meaningless patterns. At least for you. Feyd unconsciously 'writes' various words in his language on your skin. Mainly: mine, wife, baroness, darling, etc.

He mumbles words against your cunt that you can't make out, but from the way he takes ragged breaths and grinds against the mattress beneath him, he's probably whispering hoarse curses in his native language.

You are so close to the edge that you no longer care who is between your legs. Well, at least as long as you are about to reach your blissful pleasure.

His fingers caress your aching core, teasing you as he gently slides the pad of his finger into your very empty pussy. But just as you’re about to reach your release, he pulls away from you, a wicked smirk on his lips as he does so.

"Delicious. Perhaps if you learn to respect your new husband, we can both enjoy this, my darling." He gets up from the bed. He licks his fingers, groaning in appreciation as he watches you closely.

You gasp, sweat dripping down your face as you try to understand why the hell you feel, in addition to immense frustration and anger, also... satisfaction and pride. You blink a few times, catching your breath as you look at him suspiciously.

"You'll see, I'll turn you into my beloved little wife…" He speaks in his native language, gently stroking your cheek and playing with your hair. You frown, unable to understand what he's saying.

You gasp as he suddenly turns and walks towards the entrance.

"Wait! You can't just leave me here like that!"

"Rethink your behaviour, honey. A good wife doesn't call her husband a psychopath. I'll see you in the morning. Sweet dreams, Y/N." You scream after him, throwing a pillow at him, but instead of hitting him, it bounces off the closed door behind him.

You groan in frustration, both at the loss of your orgasm and the fact that your ankles are still chained to the bed and you can't even go and grab a blanket to cover yourself with.

As you lie there, you wonder how you ended up here. He admitted to researching you, but how on earth did he manage to block your power? And why did your soulmate mark become a black tattoo again? What gave him the right to marry you when you were unconscious? And how the hell did he find out your name?

You realise you've grossly underestimated him. And now you have to pay the price. You sigh, closing your eyes and listening to your surroundings. The ring on your finger is a stark reminder of your defeat. Luckily, the war has only just begun. And this time, you'll play your cards a lot better.

[justakidicarus]

Alastor has something he fears.

With how modern media has been going, well written characters are harder to come by, so I am very pleased to see how Alastor is written in the season 1 finale of Hazbin Hotel. Admittedly I did not watch the episode in full, but two major scenes are what I want to talk about.

Adam vs Alastor, and what I want to call Alastor’s interlude (his verse in the final song).

During Alastor’s fight with Adam, Alastor has clear technical advantage, but Adam’s sheer firepower overpowers him. Everyone has probably seen the “What just happened?? … Fuck.” Moment. Now most writers would write another character coming in for a save, or in the context of Hazbin a regular sinner would keep fighting.

Alastor is not your average sinner.

He accepts his defeat and slinks away before Adam can land the finishing blow. This is actually a massive thing no one really talks about, the fact that instead of staying to fight Alastor acknowledged when he was bested and left to fight another day. He is a fucking smart guy but this moment, when he chooses to lose rather than die, is super important to his character, and becomes clear in Alastor’s interlude.

Alastor is terrified of dying.

And I really do mean terrified.

Throughout the song you can hear the emotion in his voice (holy shit did Amir Talai do a good job). His facial expressions are panicked, especially during the line “died for his friends” and the close up at “The constraints of my deal surely have a back door,” that line in particular really capturing the picture of panic and terror. When he first speaks of dying, he looks more angry, but the rest of the verse he just looks terrified. Even if he may be a sinner and thus, has already experienced death, it remains his greatest fear as evident by his reaction to nearly meeting it.

Which makes sense when you look at the context of his death.

Alastor was shot in the head while occupied with burying a body in a hunting reserve. A gunshot to the brain is a quick and near instant way to die, especially since he likely wasn’t aware of the hunter and gun. To him, he heard a loud bang and was suddenly in hell. He has never experienced death properly because he didn’t even have a moment to process that his time was up until he was in the afterlife. Even in the afterlife, as a sinner he can’t permanently die, the only way possible is being killed by angelic weapons.

Weapons like what Adam wields.

Most people believe that Alastor retreated when his staff broke because he couldn’t fight without it, but I actually believe it’s because he realised that Adam could actually kill him. For the first time in his entire life, and afterlife, Alastor was faced with the possibility that he would die. For good.

And he was terrified of it.

He fled not because he couldn’t continue to fight, but because he was scared of fighting Adam and running the suddenly very real risk of dying, but hiding it as best he could. This is obviously made easier by his constantly smiling mouth (which I don’t think he can stop doing if you look at the stitched from his deal with Charlie) but there are a few signs. He loses control of his power such as his left eye and shadow. His ears tilt back as he’s getting up, a sign of distress in animals, and when he first gets up he looks around alert despite knowing the threat is in front of him, classic prey animal behaviour. Not to mention there’s almost 10 seconds where he doesn’t get up and is just on the ground with his face obscured while Vox gives his declaration. These behaviours could be pain related, he does have internal and external bleeding from Adam’s attack after all, or it could be fear based. Still, his interlude leads me to believe it’s a mix instead of solely the former.

Finally his sudden dedication to finding a loophole in his deal with his unknown contractor (I’m hesitant to say Lilith but idk).

From what I can gather by his actions surrounding the hotel and his strange dedication to Charlie and the hotel’s wellbeing, I’m inclined the believe his deal centers around protecting Charlie and the hotel. A deal he now desperately wants out of. It’s no secret that Alastor hates being on a leash (Husker found that out the hard way) but how the fuck did he even end up on one in the first place if he hates it so much?

Simple, he didn’t see it as a bad idea at the time. That or he could have died without it but we don’t know that yet

If what he got in return was a good deal of power or something else he coveted, why wouldn’t he take the deal to play secret bodyguard and watcher for the princess of hell, one of the most well guarded people in hell, and her lofty idea that ultimately will fail and likely gain no traction at all? It’s practically free power.

And then Charlie starts pissing off all of heaven. And dragging her father and whole host of powerful and dangerous beings into her charade.

Now this is becoming a bad idea he can’t back out from.

And then he almost dies.

Why would the try to escape his deal? Alastor values his life above all else and his greatest fear that I think he now knows about, is the fear of death itself, a suddenly very real risk with the people Charlie, the person he’s forced to protect, is angering. Alastor wants out because of that sheer human thing that is the fear of death.

That’s why it’s such great writing.

Alastor is scared of death and that is what makes him human.

It’s a part of his character he can overcome or fall victim to, something that makes his character relatable and 3D rather than a distant mask. It’s something that makes him human, and that’s especially important in a character that was once just that.

No matter where Alastor’s character goes in the future, if he overcomes this fear and is somehow redeemed (plausible in the way the show is going), or if he is a villain for a future season brewing in the shadows, still driven by this fear that is so central to his actions (again, plausible with how the show is so far, he still had a villain moment after all even if it was a humanising one), Alastor’s character has actually gained so much depth, and all from one little scene sharing one shard of humanity he has left.

[studentinpursuitofclouds]

The farmer is a pretty heavy sleeper if even a meteor landing on their farm won't get them up before 6am but what about their spouse? How would they all (sve included if you'd like) react to not only a whole space rock hitting the farm but the farmer reacting with nothin more than a sleepy "oh was probably just a meteor... I'll check that in the mornin."

I had a lot of fun with this scenario, really liked the idea itself. Thank you so much for the ask, and enjoy! 💕

_________________________________________

SDV/SVE bachelors:

Sam said quietly, "Oh, okay," and laid his head back on the pillow, falling asleep again. When morning came, the young guitarist would consider his vague recollection of this conversation a dream. What will be his surprise when he sees an actual meteorite lying not far from their house. "Babe, that could have ended badly..." "No worries, Sammy, but if you want, we'll check it out next time." ...Next time?????

"Did you hear that?!" "Relax, dear, it's just a meteorite..." "Ah, alright... It's a WHAT?!" And the slogan of this Harvey's headcanon: "A meteorite is the best alarm clock! You'll wake up right away!" Although in Farmer's case - they woke up to a fuss made by their worried husband. But you can understand the Pelican Town doctor, too - a bloody piece of cosmic rock fell right into your yard, it's hard to stay calm.

Elliott literally fell out of bed from such a loud sound outside the window, and Farmer continued to snore quietly??? The writer was so confused, he didn't know if he should wake up Farmer or not. "Mmmm... Did'a meteorit fal' again... I'll deal with it tmorrw... 💤" Farmer mumbled, leaving Elliott even more confused. Meteorite? Wha- again? They mean... it's happened before and it's going to happen again?! What is happening?!

"Hon, what the fuck." At first Shane's reaction to Farmer's words wasn't too violent, because he's still sleepy. But after a couple of seconds the meaning of the words reached him, the gyrus in his brain started working and he shrieked: "The coop! Charlie!" The realisation that the animals might have been hit by the meteorite instantly brought Farmer to their feet.

No matter how hard Alex tried - his spouse slept like a dead man, muttering that they would check the source of the noise tomorrow. What do they mean, tomorrow?! They need to check it now! Alex can't just leave it alone, so he goes to check it out, with or without Farmer. Whoa, a real meteorite... Erm, shouldn't they tell Lewis or someone about this?

Meteorite or not, Sebastian remained surprisingly calm. He gave up trying to wake Farmer and went to the window to see what was out there. They were right - it was in fact a meteorite, a real one. And there's light coming from it. So cool. "Sure you don't want to come with me, dear?" Farmer mumbled something incomprehensible in response, and the emo decided to go alone, to look at the cool sky rock. Because why not.

Lance sensed something was wrong before the meteorite touched the ground. Fortunately, the far-sighted gallant adventurer had put up a magical barrier that prevented the space rock from crashing into his and Farmer's house or barns. The meteorite had fallen, all was well. "I take it this phenomenon is not new to you?" He smiled as his spouse mumbled "tomorrow..." in their sleep. Well then, they both can look at the meteorite later.

"Razor!" Magnus jumped up sharply from the bed, casting the spell on automatic. The trajectory of the falling meteorite was reversed, and the celestial stone plummeted into the water, no longer posing a danger to the forest. "Farmer, meteorite." "Mhmm, five more minutes.... I'll look at the meteorite tomorrow...." Magnus wondered how his dearest spouse could even survive as an adventurer with no sense of self-preservation. It's a damn meteorite!

A whole palette of emotions was bubbling up inside Victor, awake from the noise. What was that! A meteorite? A real one! It's probably incredibly hot right now, he shouldn't go near it.... But it's a meteorite! It's so scary, and so interesting! Farmer, don't hide your head under the pillow, but get a flashlight. Victor's taking them out to see the space rock! Well, and make sure everything's okay and no animals are hurt, too.

SDV/SVE bachelorettes:

A meteorite?! A real rock of cosmic origin fell right on the farm? Maru immediately jumps out of bed and wakes up Farmer. It's unclear, however, whether this reaction of hers is simple worry about putting out the fire from the meteorite fall or that the young inventor is thrilled that she and her spouse will see the meteorite up close! Probably both. Either way, Farmer won't sleep well tonight...

"What makes you think it's a meteorite? Maybe it's aliens? Oh, that's so cool! Get up quick or we'll miss the whole thing! And grab a sword, just in case." The force with which Abigail was prancing poor Farmer made them realise at once that their wife was not going to let them finish their beauty sleep. Unlikely aliens in there, but they'd have to check anyway. Ugh...

Poor Penny is in complete shock at how calmly Farmer has reacted to everything. Don't they care what happens to the farm? What if what fell down caused a fire and everything could burn? There's a forest nearby, it would be a huge fire! Penny tearfully begged her sleepy spouse to check it out before it's too late. Farmer had to get up (they hate to see their lovely wife crying).

"Did you hear that, Farmer?" "Yep, meteorite hit again, I'll look tomorrow..." Leah can already see the fire that has travelled from the glowing space rock to the dry summer grass. Oh no, there's going to be a fire now... She wakes Farmer up with one mighty shove and shouts an emergency. And as much as Farmer grumbled over their interrupted sleep - the artist was right. A forest fire is a very dangerous.☝️

The sound of a meteorite falling may not have been able to wake Farmer, but the shriek of terror of their wife Haley sure knocked them out of dreamland. "Shh, Haley, it's only a meteorite..." JUST A METEORITE?! Is Farmer laughing at her? Oh no, they can't go back to the dream realm now - Haley wakes them up again and tells them to look at that fallen meteorite before something else happens. Haley's half asleep herself, but she's scared, so she'll insist on checking it out now.

Before going to bed, Emily read a daily horoscope in a magazine that she would soon "be given a big sign, so make your decision at once." Nowhere, however, did it say that this "sign" was a huge rock from the sky. But at least she made the decision right away, (and the right one) - getting Farmer out if bed, despite their protests, to make sure the falling meteorite didn't destroy anything. No "tomorrow", it had to be now. She hopes no animals were! Her heart couldn't take it...

Claire jumped up in bed, as if scalded by boiling water, at the rattling of window glass and the vibrations throughout the house. Something had fallen on the farm - and that 'something' is very big. She woke and woke her spouse to no avail, who only responded to the terrifying sound with a louder snore. How did they even manage not to wake up from such a noise? And how could they mumbling so calmly about the meteorite?!

Poor Sophia, frightened by a scary sound outside , immediately pressed herself against Farmer, trying to hide. Farmer kissed her gently and told her that it was just a meteorite, that everything was fine and they would protect her. After saying "it's okay" and "I will protect you" the panic inside Sophia was extinguished and she fell asleep again in the arms of her spouse. The meteorite in the morning would definitely be a shock to her (she thought she had dreamed the whole thing).

After that horrible sound, Olivia not only wakes Farmer up, but also gets almost half the town up, making one call to Lewis and claiming that something terrible has happened on her and Farmer's property. Farmer sleepily tried to convince Olivia that a fallen meteorite was no big deal, but she wasn't convinced. How is that - a huge, dangerous rock from outer space - and not dangerous!

[byhees]

hidden love ━━ ( 엔하이픈 희승 ) ♡ genre fluff high school au potential bestfriends2lovers warnings not proof-read petnames light injury mention

thinking about heeseung, who has been your best friend throughout the entirety of middle school, and now, three whole quarters of high school— and oh, did i mention that you have a big crush on him?

i mean, the real question here is, how could you not?? he’s such a sweetheart, and he’s always, without fail, been able to cheer your horrible day up with his little antics. well, for starters, he always gets you an extra portion of his usual sandwich, leaving the little meal on your desk, an apple-shaped sticky note beside it— breakfast’s the most important part of the day, so don’t skip it, okay princess? like okay okay, first why is this so cute, second what’s with the princess omg…

and, he loves, absolutely adores, walking you to all your classes, despite his being on the opposite end of campus; his little, kinda clumsily executed, jokes are horrible at best, but my god, why’re you giggling so hard??? it has to be that adorable smile he flashes whenever he realises how nonsensical his sentences sound, his head lightly shaking with light embarrassment. yeah… it’s definitely that.

also, don’t get me started on how unbelievably caring he is; he’ll stay up with you whenever you’re studying— doesn’t matter if he’s about to pass out asleep right on the plastic chair, he’ll do that just for you. he does so to bring small snacks and drinks to you, suggesting to take a quick break every so often. and don’t underestimate him when he says that he’ll pick you up and carry you over to the nearest couch for a brief nap; your dark eye circles, and the frequent massaging of your aching shoulders aren’t fooling him.

no because he cares about your health so, so much— even more than his own at times. that one time when you both unknowingly ended up in the nurse’s office? he completely disregarded his stomach pain, walking over to you with panic-laced steps. even recalling the incident makes you laugh— the way he examined and treated your sprained ankle made it seem as though you’d fractured a few bones. but thinking back to all his little actions, your heart does flutter; the countless number of times he looks out for you, the little vitamin drinks he leaves by your table…

and why does he have the strongest sixth sense known to mankind?? that doesn’t really help, considering your budding feelings. you’d snatch the opportunity to just admire him, and he’d suddenly, coincidentally, look up from his open textbook, unintentionally locking gazes with you. “were you just staring at me?” no silly, i was mowing my lawn— of course i was!! and don’t point it out!?

also, he’s just the absolute cutest, most endearing person ever when he walks over to you, a little teddy bear in hand, on that one particular day— national favourite person day, that’s what he calls it, and to be completely honest, you have zero clue on what that may be, but this gesture really warms your heart. like stop being so cute with your cute smile and your cute stuffed animal…

it’s no doubt at this point that lee heeseung, that boy right over there who’s focused on taking notes, is your crush; your crush who’s completely oblivious as to how his small actions tug heavily at your heartstrings.

taglist open! @halcyoni-ki @wondipity @yjjungwon @shysakuno @niktwazny303 @vnsux @minhosify @haechansbbg @yeomha @stepout-09-15 @chansburgah @sona-verse01 @lilly-bubblelops @smouches @mrchweeee @luvistqrzzz @nwjws networks! @kflixnet @enhanet @k-labels

[myfandomrealitea]

Your post regarding specifc places for things and some places dont need a vent channel it helped me realise that the people i follow online were damaging to my health. They were constantly sharing real people who died horrifically and saying things like "if you dont share you're supporting violence " while i only joined social media to view art.

I actively speak about real life events offline with my family, we always talk about whats happening in the world once a week and mention anything new within the local and worldwide news. I didn't understand why social media was worsening my mental health around these topics since i could speak about it in real life with my family. i assumed i was horrible for simply not wanting to see it online, When your post about a safe space came up i realised why it made me feel so bad, the artists i followed no longer were posting art and were just constantly sharing news daily about horrific events. It became inescapable and i was unknownly doomscrolling for hours on social media while hoping to see art (that just made me feel bad viewing after seeing so much death) , my only escape was going offline. I already made new accounts just for art and Im so thankful for your post since i did avoid everything that was about real world events since the account is only for art and i feel so much more.. i guess happier.. but definitely more mentally healthy if that makes sense? It felt like my mind was drained or foggy when scrolling through social media, and i wasnt actually paying attention before but now its a lot more, clear, healthy and positive. Im able to think properly and actually pay attention and appreciate the good things online

I'm so glad I was able to help you on your journey to bettering your wellbeing. Its an aspect of why I run this blog and talk about the things that I do.

So very often people don't actually register or realize what parts of their lives are causing stress. They attribute it to 'working too much' or 'not sleeping enough' without realizing that there are direct causes for things like not sleeping enough. And I'm not saying every single part of life comes back to activism, but very often we don't even realize how much negativity and forced awareness we're exposing ourselves to.

I used to religiously follow accounts on Instagram which posted about animal abuse. Other than a handful of celebrities my Instagram feed would be the most graphic videos you could imagine of people hacking into live dogs with axes, boiling cats alive in huge vats of water, jockeys tearing at horse's mouths until their teeth were loose and they were leaving a trail of blood as they walked the winner's circle.

I used to think if I wasn't constantly forcing myself to acknowledge that these things were happening, if I wasn't constantly reminding myself the extent at which these things happen, I was a bad person. I wasn't a real animal lover. If I truly loved animals why wasn't I sharing these videos? Why wasn't I sitting there with thousands of other people acknowledging what animals go through while I sit comfy at home doing nothing?

It got the point where I'd be throwing up constantly, I refused to sleep because I was terrified of the nightmares and my hands would shake as I opened up the Instagram app because I dreaded what I'd see today.

It wasn't helping me. It wasn't helping the animals. I'm just as aware now of what animals go through without having to see any of it.

But now, I have the wellbeing to actually devote myself to meaningful activism. Not just tormenting myself to no outcome. Now, I have the willpower and the energy to sign petitions and do research and take steps in my own life to better the welfare of the animals in my care.

Now I can sleep at night and wake up well-rested with the energy and the motivation to do things both for myself and for other people. Now, I can scroll Instagram and leave polite, correctional comments on misguided videos about animals. Now I have the knowledge to devote my attention and my efforts to where it actually makes a difference and changes animal's lives.

It is such, such a hard thing to drag yourself out of. We're so conditioned into thinking suffering shared is suffering lessened. We're so conditioned into believing that by spamming words anywhere we can we are the direct cause of change.

Its a hell of a learning climb. A steep one. But I genuinely believe the world would be better off for learning and changing as we both had the courage to.

[e-nonsense]

─── '𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘺𝘢𝘭' 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘉𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬

anon: Can you do a Sirius x reader where he’s arrested for the murder of the potters and the reader goes to visit him in Azkaban?

pairing. sirius black x potter!reader

summary. after Sirius' 'betrayal' you confront him, when you break into Azkaban .

warnings. swearing, murder, azkaban, going mad, suicidal thoughts, attempted murder, betrayal.

a/n. thank you for the first request, I hope this is what you wanted.

wc. 0.7k (not proofread)

Sirius sat there alone in the dark. It was his fault, he should have seen it, he should've known.

He hadn't even been there for week and he felt he was going insane, he was losing his mind questioning everything.

Did James feel it when he died? Did it hurt him? Was Harry okay? Where was Harry? What did Remus think? Was he okay the full moon was approaching soon. But most of all, do you blame? What did you think of him?

He sobbed for hours when it finally clicked in his brain. James and Lily were dead. His best friend was gone because of him. Harry was alone, Remus was alone. You were alone. He hoped you and Remus had each other, that you sought him out or he found you and that the two of you mourned together.

He heard people screaming in the background, but he was frozen. You were standing there, right in front of him. Why were you here? What were you doing?

His blood went cold, where you here to kill him? If you were — and he hoped, you were— would it haunt you?

The two of you stared at each other for what seemed like hours, but he broke it by whispering your name. "My love"

"Did you do it?" your eyes blazed with fury as you questioned him, "Remus said you did it. But I couldn't— I can't believe him."

Sirius stared at you, "how'd you get in?"

"Answer me Black!" you raised your wand at him, "My brother, is he dead because of you?!"

Sirius shook his head, "but it might as well be my fault."

He did nothing when you broke down into sobs, your knees sank onto the ground. He didn't want to startle you. "Tell me what happened" you demanded.

So he sat there on opposite sides of the room— if you could call, the damp stoney cell that. He spoke as you hung onto every word, you sat there and you listened to him just like you always had. And when he had finished telling you what actually happened the night of October 31st, you were in more tears. This time you walked over towards him and he held you as you shook and cried into him.

"I'm so sorry" he snapped out of his daze when he heard you apologise. "For what?"

"That they all blame you"

He sighed, "oh love, as long as you believe me I don't care."

You bith sat in silence again, only this time it was more comfortable. "How's Harry? and how did you get in here?" Sirius questioned you.

"Harry's at home with Remus they're both asleep." You answered the first question and Sirius couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy— it should've been him and Harry, you and him should've been raising your nephew.

"and?" he asked, trying to get you to answer his other question.

"I turned into a cat. Dementors can't sense animal emotions, so they were practically blind to me."

Sirius hummed as he breathed in you scent, a smell that always relaxed him. He held onto you in fear that if he let go you'd disappear, and he'd realise you were never real.

He couldn't be selfish with you, Harry needed you. Remus needed you. And even though Sirius himself needed you, he had to let you go.

"You have to go dove" he mumbled into your hair although he made no move to let you go.

"Just a moment longer?"

"Just one more moment" he smiled and kissed you softly, "they need you sweetheart, hold Harry for and tell Remus I'm sorry."

"Do I have to go?" you gripped onto him.

"I'll see you again" he knew you'd return whenever you were able.

You nodded, "I love you, my heart"

He watched her turn into a cat and slip away, "and I love you more my angel."

© e-nonsense. do no copy/steal/translate. do it and I’ll bite your toes off

[thecartoonrambler]

Why Wander is such an important character

Very long post below!

Ill be rambling about Wander over Yonder, specifically, WANDER!!

The show in itself is already amazing, the episodes are short and fun, each character is oozing with personality and fun interactions and there are always ways in which it is all connected. Further on the animation of the show and overall look is absolutely adorable!

For me personally, Wander is simply such an important character and not for few reasons.

I love that Wander's silly happy go lucky personality is so addictive. He's a happy person, who gets happy by helping others in need, even to points where he gets himself in trouble (every episode LOL) But regardless i think they are such an important character traits to have (Happiness, altruism, Optimism).

In today's depressing and violent world, where everyone just fights with each other, a character like Wander can be a sense of hope or inspiration!

Of course, many main characters have these traits as well, but i think a key difference between Wander and many other optimist protagonists lies in their EXPERIENCE IN LIFE!

These other protags are innocent, naive optimists, because they haven't experienced "the real world" yet. And while it makes sense to have characters like these (as an allegory to growing up), they get really tiring and repetitive really quickly. They also commonly showcase optimism and naivety to go hand in hand. And its why a lot if people commonly believe that "realsim" is inherently "pessimistic" (it isn't btw. Theres good and bad in life, denying theres good, is denying reality)

Its extremely refreshing to have a main character like Wander, actually be hinted at being millennias old, repeatedly converting villains to good throughout the eons, out of a sense of duty (and perhaps also Pacifist revenge for his childhood, where its hinted that his entire planet was destroyed and he was the only survivor.)

not only is this also something that one learns, the more one watches (keeping the viewer intrigued) but the fact that so much about Wander's life and past is a mystery is what makes him a fascinating character. At first glance hes just some helpful guy, and the more you learn about him, the more you more you think "who is this guy?" Not in a negative way, but in a complete curiosity. Is it possible he's as old as the universe himself? If so does he know it? Who is he? What actually happened in his past? How did he live before his hat? Was there a time he wasn't as helpful? What caused him to change? Who is he? But at the same time, the viewer doesn't NEED to know. Theres no stress to, no hurry to uncover a mystery. Its like "mystery but it's actually completely low-key". I like that. (Im the kind to get into conspiracy theories or get crazy over plot holes, so the show managing this is insane)

Traits like these, especially in contrast to their personality being so so happy, child-like, goofy, charitable, it makes for an extremely interesting and fascinating character, that one doesn't commonly see in media! Which is really awesome! Someone that's seen so much horrors, lived through civil wars, yet tries to help a skeleton get together with a butch lesbian??

Its awesome!

Other that just that alone, he's helped me out personally! He in many ways reminds me of myself as a kid, i too was altruistic, always trying to help, struggled to say no, was positive and happy go-lucky and adventurous (well, as all kids i suppose), recently rediscovering the show made me realise how much i missed those personality traits in myself. That i had hidden them away, due to people making fun of me of being "too naive" and "too childish". Eventually Making me not talk to people really, and develop really bad self esteem. Rediscovering this show, and specifically how these "childish" traits can be seen in a very positive charming light, helped me realise that being scared of "coming off wierd", "coming off as toxic positivity" will always be worse than not being positive.... At all.

Ive heard from other people too that this show has helped them through tough times, and allowed them to reconnect with more positive thought patterns. Which is why i think characters like Wander are insanely important for media!!

Too much is too depressing all the time! We can create media (ESPECIALLY ADULT MEDIA) that isnt depressed. Positivity and happiness are not a crime! And im so glad a character like Wander exists to exhibit that!

[lulublack90]

Prompt 2 - Pool

@jegulus-microfic March 2 Word count 686

Previous part First part

Once they made it back to the beach, they apparated away from that godforsaken cave. They apparated first to the lake district, then the Yorkshire Dales and finally to the safe house. Mad-Eye had instilled in all Order members the importance of multiple apparation’s before going to their final destination. Regulus saw no real point to it, but after that cave, he felt like all his senses were on high alert, so he didn’t argue when James took them across the country. 

The safe house was small. Regulus supposed it didn’t need to be massive, with only the two of them meeting there. They passed through the wards and protection charms with no bother. Regulus hoped there was somewhere soft to sit down. He was exhausted, and the realisation of what they’d just done was starting to catch up with him. 

They walked into the cosy living room to find a gigantic, shaggy, black dog standing in the middle of the room. Regulus yelped and jumped backwards as the dog lunged forward. 

Arms wrapped around him, and he opened his screwed-shut eyes to find Sirius hugging him tightly. 

“What the fuck is happening?” He asked James as he scanned the room for the dog. 

“We’re animagi,” James said simply. “He’s the black dog.”

“What? How? You’re not registered!” He paused and stared at James. “You said we’re. What animal are you?” James went to the sofa and collapsed on it. 

“I’m a stag.”

“As in a deer?”

“The very same.”

“Can I see it?” Regulus had forgotten all about Sirius latched onto him. He absentmindedly stroked Sirius’s back. James looked around the room, seeming to be debating something. 

“No,” He said. “The room’s too small.” Regulus’s eyes went wide. 

“Just how big are you?”

“Huge.” 

They let a few moments pass as they took in their success. “Sirius, let go of Regulus. We need to examine the locket.” Sirius reluctantly unwrapped his arms from Regulus but took his hand and pulled him to the sofa. The sofa wasn’t made for three, but they squashed onto it anyway. 

Regulus groaned at the softness of the cushions. He hadn’t realised how achy his body was.

“What happened in there?” Sirius asked, his eyes darting between his brother and his best friend. 

“There was a secret cave behind the cave.” James began, “We got through it using a blood sacrifice—”

“Blood magic!” Sirius butted in. James nodded. 

“Yeah, then there was this huge pool—” James tried again. 

“I’d say it was more of a lake,” Regulus spoke over James. 

“Okay, a lake and there was this boat that would only let one of us over to the island unless I covered myself with the invisibility cloak and…” James continued the story, describing the potion and how Regulus had drunk from the lake, disturbing the Inferi and how they only just escaped. “We left a replica of the locket. Hopefully, Voldemort won’t go back and check anytime soon, but if he does, fingers crossed, it’ll fool him. 

Regulus pulled the locket out of his pocket and held it before them. 

“Wait, I know this locket.” He turned it in his hands, trying to find the memory. “It’s Slytherin’s locket!” He gasped.

“Are you sure?” Sirius held out his hand and twirled the locket on its chain. 

“I walked past Salazar’s Portrait nearly every day, multiple times for seven years. I think I know his gaudy locket when I see it. Just look at the snake.” James moved closer.

“I think he might be right, you know.” 

“Well, let’s call a meeting and get Barty and Evan to confirm it, and we still need to figure out how to destroy them,” Sirius said as he stared at the locket. They could all feel the evil pulsating from it. Regulus put it back in his pocket. 

“Right, let’s just have a few minutes to recuperate and then head over to Rosier House. Reg can check that the coast is clear, and then we can figure out what to do with the Horcrux.” James proposed.

All three of them fell asleep almost immediately.  

Next part

[nuri148]

Distances in AoT

Or: Yams has no idea of geography and the relationship between distance and travel times in AOT makes no sense.

After a long time in the works, I present to you this 3-part, long af essay about the above statement. Grab your copy of Aot and your calculator and buckle up!

Disclaimer: I’m not a numbers girl. I always struggled with math at school and cannot determine how much each party needs to chip in for a group outing without an excel spreadsheet. And yet the numbers in AoT are so out of proportion that even with my limited math talent I realised what a train wreck they were.

PART ONE: SCALE

The manga, and later the anime, inform us that there are 250 km from the center of the walls to Wall Sina; 130 km from wall Sina to Wall Rose; and 100 km from Wall Rose to Wall Maria.

For the sake of simplicity, I’m going to ignore a few facts that should be painfully obvious in a real-life setting:

1) The walls could never be perfectly circular. Because...

2) Terrain, even in super duper flat places like the Argentine Pampas or the Netherlands1, is never completely flat and never completely uniform. So, even in the Great Plains, the 230 km (equivalent to the distance from Ehrmich to Shiganshina) between Wichita and Oklahoma City, as the crow flies, become 238 km when made in a car – or 256 km on a bike (since bikes can’t take the highway). Likewise, the rougher the terrain, the higher the difference. Salzburg and Linz, in Austria, are merely 100 km away in a straight line, but the shortest route is 124 km.

And bear in mind this distances are on modern roads in modern countries, built with technology that allow us to circumvent geographical accidents such as rivers, canyons or mountains with cool bridges and tunnels. The world in which AoT is set doesn’t have those. If a river is down a canyon, first they’ll need to zig-zag down the canyon, then cross the river (via bridge or ferry at best, fording it at worst), then zig-zag all the way up again. This happens still today, even in our modern whitebread world, in places where the traffic doesn’t justify building a big-ass bridge over the canyon. When I lived in Germany, it was like that to go to the next town.

But, as I said, for the sake of simplicity, I’m going to pretend the walls are perfectly round, the terrain is perfectly flat, and that there is a straigh-ass road, as straight as Argentina’s 22 National Road between Río Colorado and Choele Choel, between each of the Wall Districts. For simplicity reasons too, I won’t be using decimals or taking the thickness of the walls into consideration.

I’m also going to assume (though this is pretty much confirmed by canon), that the only passage between walls is through the Districts.

You’ve likely seen the basic layout plenty of times over the internet.

Well, Let’s start by saying I have a huge problem with this layout. If you bother to separate walls S-R-M to scale with their informed size, the sizes used to depict the Districts are always wildly out of all proportion².

From the several panoramic views of Sigansina, Trost, etc. that are shown in the manga³, and considering the usual sizes of German-style 17th-19th century houses, which is what’s shown from down in the streets (and I’m familiar with from my time living there), the districts seem to be, at the very most, 5 km from the main wall to the district outer wall⁴, with a bridge over the river every 500 m or so. (The walls are usually visible whenever they are in the districts, so you know it’s a small area.) Yet as you’ve seen, most maps show the districts ridiculously large, going to even half the distance between walls. This not only contradicts canon, but defeats the in-canon purpose of building a concentrated, out-jutting urban area to concentrate possible titan attacks there and eliminate the threat more easily.

So in my map, I’ve adjusted the size of the districts to roughly 5 × 5 km. They look almost like dots. That’s another problem of the disproportionate maps that populate the web: it makes you lose sense of just how big the walls are.

Districts of Paradis: Mitras (center); to the East: Stohess, Karanes, Holst (from AotBTF); To the West: Yarkell, Krolva, Quinta (from AotHMOTC); to the South: Ehrmich, Trost, Shiganshina; To the North: Orvud, Utopia, [unknown].

Now, geometry is a wonderful thing. If you know the radius of a circumference, you can calculate all other possible measurements in that circumference. And in this day and age, with computers, you don’t even need to learn formulas or crunch numbers. Yay Math.

So, if radius Mt-S (Mitras-Sina) is 250 km, and wall Rose is 130 km further, and wall Maria 100 km further still, the radius Mt-R is 380 km and the radius Mt-M is 480 km.

The Districts are lined up with the cardinal points. Therefore, to go from a district on the N-S axis (e.g. Ehrmich) to the corresponding one on the W-E axis (e.g. Stohess), you have basically three options:

Route 1) Take roads we know nothing about. The most likely, logical option in a realistic scenario, unfortunately un-checkable. Also slower than the following two hipothetical routes.

Route 2) Ride atop or along the wall. For numbers, I’m assuming a flat wall top. Because we know the radius of the walls, we can calculate the arc length between any two districts (blue in map).

Route 3) Use an imaginary, straigh-ass road between two adjacent districts on a given wall (e.g. Ehrmich-Stohess, Trost-Krolva). Again, because we know the radius of the walls, and the angle of separation of the districts (90°) we can calculate the length of this chord line (brown in map). Note that this solution doesn’t work for districts in Wall Maria, as the resulting chord would intersect wall Rose, and there is no passage there (red in map).

So, how long are these distances? EXTREMELY.

The Arc distance (riding along the wall) between adjacent wall districts is:

Wall Sina (e.g. Ermich-Stohess): 393 km (more or less equivalent to a straight line from Mar del Plata to Buenos Aires).

Wall Rose (e.g. Trost-Karanes): 597 km (Paris-Montpellier).

Wall Maria (e.g. Shiganshina to Quinta): a whooping 754 km (San Diego-Sacramento)

The Chord line distance (straight line between two adjacent wall districts) is shorter, but not by that much (about 10 % less):

Wall Sina: 352 km (Mar del Plata-La Plata)

Wall Rose: 537 km (Paris-Orange)

Wall Maria: 679 km in theory (San Diego-San José) but, as explained, the chord line between Wall Maria districts is interrupted by Wall Rose, so that route is out. The shortest alternative would be to ride in a very slight curve approximating Rose; I couldn’t find a suitable calculator to let my mathematically challenged self get the exact number but I reckon it’s around 700-720 km (San Diego-San Francisco).

The takeout from this is that distances in AoT are HUGE.

Moreover: We know the island of Paradis is based on the island of Madagascar. The diameter of Wall Maria is 960 km (480 × 2), but the island of Madagascar has a maximum width of roughly 590 km.

So we have two scenarios here:

1) The world of AoT happens in a very big planet

2) Yams (and his editors) suck at maths and spacial awareness big time.

Guess which one I’m betting on.

Part 2 Part 3

Notes:

¹ Having grown up in Argentina and living in Europe, but also mindful that many reading this are from the US, I’ve mixed cities from all those locations as real-life examples.

² There is one and one map only, in chapter 5 of the manga, that depicts the walls more or less realistically, but it also shows the geography within the walls as pretty non-flat, non uniform, no straight-roads, so I’m being very generous with my calculations here, borderline delulu.

 ³ I was going to illustrate this with a few shots of the districts, but as I started gathering said shots from the manga I found myself opening yet another can of worms, for the differences in size of a given city between chapters are enough to merit their own post I’m afraid. Not that I can commit to one atm.

⁴ Though, realistically, European medieval walled towns were no larger than 1 km across. Nördlingen, in which Shiganshina is inspired, as well as Rothenburg o.d. Tauber and other partially preserved walled towns are 500 m in diameter.

[timetodiverge]

TL:DR: a brief treatise on learning to love Ahsoka for the gifts it gave us, rather than its shortcomings

Reasons why I struggled to like Ahsoka on first watch:

-my Rebels-fan brain constantly chanting WHERE IS EZRA WHERE IS EZRA WHERE IS EZRA; every episode that ended without him had me screaming

-the portrayal of Ezra as some noble war hero/wise Jedi instead of the little shit devious street urchin thief who, after four seasons of growth, pain, and temptation to turn darkside, turned into an IGnoble war hero with the potential to become a wise Jedi

-the show's habit of far-too-casually dropping facts that emotionally wrecked Rebels fans (ALL the Wrens died on Mandalore?? Could we maybe explore that a bit?? Dave do you remember when you had Sabine collapse into what she thought were her mother's ashes, and the depth of her relief when she realised her family was still alive and she still had a chance to make things right with them?? DO YOU???)

-the show's refusal to recap/reference insanely important events from Rebels and The Clone Wars (Mortis Gods, Trials of the Darksaber, Vader v Ahsoka and Ezra rescuing her via the World Between Worlds, Ahsoka's entire existence, etc) that would have made Ahsoka, Sabine, & Hera's importance in the larger Star Wars universe much more comprehendible for non-Rebels & TCW fans

-watching Sabine, who only ever wanted to be a valued, equal member of a family & team, and who was already incredibly skilled (art/warfare/mechanics), belittling and limiting herself trying to play the part of Jedi Padawan

-the wasted potential of show that could have truly explored how non-Jedi&Sith engage with the whole spectrum of the Force (e.g. other force users such as Nightsisters, loth wolves, purrgil, and non-force-sensative people such as Sabine), instead ultimately championing the light-dark binary and the traditions of the Jedi order (which many of us have little respect for) such as the Master-Apprentice relationship

Reasons why I now adore Ahsoka and would defend it to the death:

-the breath-taking care, love, and attention the production team put into every tiny detail (the sets, the costumes, props, the MUSIC, the background art, the ships and weapons, my god the detail!!)

-the shameless centring of diverse, layered female characters and the exquisite, subtle performances of Mary Elizabeth Winstead & Genevieve O'Reilly

-a mature exploration of how traumatic events e.g. wars may technically "end", but don't end for everyone: Ahsoka and Sabine are still traumatised ex-child soldiers mourning people they desperately loved but had complex & unresolved issues with; Hera still has zero boundaries between being a soldier and her personal life. And this PTSD has very real consequences to the narrative

-the show ultimately resisting the urge to choose a plot-twist Ezra reveal (e.g. turns out Thrawn and Ezra are now buddies/Ezra is the new big bad/Ezra was Marrok), which may have been more interesting but would have deprived us of the wholesome Ezra reveal we actually wanted

-Eman Esfandi giving us the most successful animation-to-live-action transition since Katee Sackhoff's Bo-Katan, and being so perfect in his mannerisms and behaviour that it was almost worth the wait (and looking so much like Ezra's father in Rebels!!)

(...unless you include Chopper, whose transition was actually 120% perfect)

-ultimately refreshing and levelling-up the potential for mature and diverse Star Wars narratives, like Andor did, but instead of leaning away from SW tropes and traditions like Andor, digging deeper into SW tropes and history, and linking non-mainstream-SW-elements such as the Nightsisters of Dathomir, the Mortis Gods, the World Between Worlds, and the existence of other galaxies

[batsplat]

the anon who sent the biopic ask here. afsfdfhhjkk I did in fact sent it to get you to talk about the movie version of sete/vale rivalry! I am also the sete anon after all.

anyways.

the vale selling his would to curse sete stuff had me screaming bc you see…….a while ago there was this gif set going around where 2020 or 2021 valentino’s leathers are unzipped and you could see how concave his chest is. and my first thought upon seeing it was “haha it’s actually concave bc valentino made a deal w the demon and gave him his heart in order to become the god of motogp, and also to curse sete:)))”

love the casey stuff, I think if we get the minds that worked on revolutionary girl utena in on this they could make it work. mainly bc rgu had really great visuals, lots of surrealist stuff and all that while having a pretty low budget. (yes rgu is also very complex and deals with stuff like csa, escaping the cycles of abuse etc but we’re not getting into that.) so, in some far far away alternative universe that studio makes a casey stoner inspired animated film (with huge budged) and it a cult classic. alternatively, satoshi kon could have also worked some magic w that set up I know. lots of great imagery there.

dovi biopic could actually work, if we use his story to make into a movie about the man vs corporate machine, how futile that struggle is, disillusionment and ultimately choosing to walk away. so, actually it won’t be a dovi biopic in the sense most ppl think of what biopics are? it would end up more grim than general audiences realize bc the movie will show that in the end ducati succeeded and have won world titles etc and dovi was a cog in that machine, and had his imput being downplayed etc. but also like dovi has his family, his inner circle, his self of self to fall back onto and the audience is obviously ends up on his side so it’s not downright depressing. (I wrote this w a specific director in mind even afdgghjk)

w dani&jorge………ok I’m gonna sound insane for this but. we need to maybe fully fictionalize this. have original characters, who are totally not heavily inspired by jorge&dani *wink wink*. get pedro almodovar to direct or something. this movie is now about jorge-inspired-character dealing with his closeted homosexuality, his fraught relationship w his father….like I am in no way trying to suggest that real life jorge lorenzo might be gay here! but his story does land itself to these themes if you think about it. the rivalry is underlined by homoerotic tension the two characters cannot acknowledge (even to themselves) within the setting of competitive motorcycle racing. buttt after their retirement? they discover that there’s a life outside of it all and maybe mayyybe the movie implies they could get together or something.

also love the sepang 2015 movie framing but yeah it would be considered the worst racing movie of all time, like 5.4 out of 10 on imdb, tge director wouldn’t be able to make another feature film for another 10 years after that. but good news it gets some reappraisal and a small but dedicated cult following like 15 to 20 years later.

wow, did not mean to type all of this out actually! but I do want to say that your answers never disappoint and it’s always a good read. have a nice day!

(follow up to this post) omg pls I love long asks, I'm gonna not take this in order because I NEED to skip to the casey/valentino rgu vision because?? yes? casey is like... such a magical girl... (magical girl transformation into leathers, is this anything) the rose imagery!! I want to rose imagery casey!! obviously again yes the thematic overlap between these two things is only,, loose at best, we are very much ignoring many of the things utena is actually About,, but. disparity between idealised roles and how those roles actually function, having those images interrogated/torn down... growing up!! casey realising his parents' dream was imposed on him rather than chosen... even just kind of. the aesthetic make up of utena, the core components of how it actually tells its story. the focus on duels and being challenged... formalised process of DEMANDING to fight the current 'champion'... the shadow plays...

this to me is casey and valentino

anyway if u squint it is like. kind of the same energy as paddock gossip. the skits are also.... yeah hm. hm

moving away a bit from utena and its very specific themes, I think what you really can also do with this vision is like... play up the culture clash vibes for casey? I've been meaning to make the post on this forever, but there's a specific theme that comes through in a lot of the stuff casey's said and written over the years that's really concerned with... well, the trip from australia to europe, the hardship associated at various stages with that, never quite feeling at home in this new environment, zero paddock friends, never learning italian and being sick with the concept of italy by the end of his ducati tenure, saying that europeans weren't as straight talking and honest as the anglos (valentino did also help turn him off the concept of the british, mind you), saying the europeans were more partisan, bad sports fans, really kinda... wrestling with a lot of his loneliness and feelings of isolation by attributing a lot of this stuff to this different european mindset. where some of his competitors were nasty in part because that's what they're all like in big bad europe. and idk, that's something that you can really dig into with these abstractions, when you're isolating casey and then making him accept this Challenge of facing the god - through motorcycle racing but also through ritualistic sacrifice - and eventually he takes on this task that he's supposed to, that's supposed to be his duty, but for some reason everyone still hates him for it... and you play up how it's not necessarily his individual agency that even brought him there. he's there to win, and yet they hate him for winning. everyone wants competition, nobody likes the competition when it's actually there

also like. sleeping beauty him. pricked by the thorn of a rose and he's taken out of competition and has to recover and everyone criticises him for 'just' having his finger pricked with the tiniest drop of blood. idk a lot of his quite specific baggage and struggles are really made for abstraction. he's also got this... look. just a very specific vibe that I think you can magical girl-ify. vibrant red, a little bit delicate, as the shadows creep in on him

where it's kinda... he's unique, he's special, he's got All That Talent that allows him to take on a task nobody else has managed... but that's also part of what isolates him, that x factor of his raw natural ability that allows him to make it at the top of the sport In Spite Of All The Odds but also means he CAN'T get a quiet peaceful existence

and the rivalry with valentino, which, first of all they both make for great animated characters because they're incredibly distinctive (I would make utena!valentino so very very tall), but also that slight... element of menace. valentino constantly in the spotlight, and the brighter casey shines the more he's in danger - even if he rather wouldn't be the centre of attention. he still is.... even if he shies away from it, the world is still watching. valentino is still watching. and the gaze itself has consequences

literal glare of the camera lens, exposing casey in a way that makes him uncomfortable. unnerving and too bright and trapping him

casey looking at valentino and the changes in what he sees over time. the gradual adjustment of perception when he comes to learn of a different version of valentino (who is in turn still separate from Valentino The Person)

and that kind of animation style for the motorcycles and everything... thinking about specifically casey's phillip island 2009 which is his very first race win after his illness-induced absence and I've never personally been THAT big on white liveries (he still loves it though) but like. symbolism-inspired colour change for key step back into the fray, to a new moment of hope

his leathers also have like. a very specific vibe here. as do his interactions with valentino. the specific way they grasp hands idk I've got a vision

(they do also hug pretty warmly in parc fermé and there's a bit more to this race given it was a massive W for valentino as far as his title bid was concerned but he'd also been informed of a personal tragedy the day before - but we're gonna ignore all that here)

also OBVIOUSLY

the assen 2007 fight was SUPPOSED to be animated

it also lets you dig into kinda likeeee the weird elements of that rivalry where it switches from being a primarily on-track one to being a completely off-track one. like idk it feels you can play with that switch of them being real duels to just being. casey stabbing him while valentino taunts him. this disconnect where casey is now on top of the world in all the Actual Motorcycle Racing but the whole picture isn't quite as simple as that.... the ways in which casey can't entirely win....

other random fun bits of imagery/vibes:

again, you can have random animals running around in animation... tortoise turtle and the hare laguna '08 I will keep saying it

speaking of laguna '08, the most memorable move happens at the corkscrew... I think you can do something with concept of a corkscrew

laguna '08 overall is just a top ten anime battle isn't it, the fact that the whole thing depends on this. reversal. where rather than valentino always stalking his victims (inherently evocative) but is committing to obstructing casey from ahead (btw today's their anniversary!!! <3)

you have GOT to do something funky with pressers, like casey's relationship to the media is so fundamental to his entire story... essentially treat it as another form of combat imo. like give it the exact same visual lead in as the actual on-track battles, so that you have this collapse between the on-track and off-track

collapse between the identity of the rider and the bike. common thing anyway in the weird way these blokes talk about their bikes, obviously valentino is like. a number one offender for this. and obviously you can easily exploit this in animation!! and also if we're sticking with the yellow = infection stuff, then casey is constantly being at risk of overwhelmed by the yellow.... and once he's stepped away from that bike to go to honda instead, he has to see this thing that's separate from him but still somehow a part of him be infected

playing with how casey was inspired by valentino... you know the utena kinda. prologue of utena being inspired to become a prince... basically that vibe. stepping up to become a deity and being presented the blade to challenge a god. But Was That Really Such A Good Idea

you can do something with chequered flags I reckon. idk what but you do something with them

casey's obsessed with fishing. a symbol of childhood innocence and one of the things he would have loved to do when he was essentially being forced into making motorcycle racing his dream, something that caused controversy back in 2009 because he got backlash for going fishing during his injury absence (yeah I don't know what they were on back then too) and something he references when he retires on his pitboard 'going fishing'. it's innocence, it's his individual dream, it's peace away from the track... you can work with that

obviously valentino himself makes all this symbolism shit very easy given he did canonically give himself an eyeball helmet during one of his ducati races. like we get it buddy. that would SLAP in animation

okay I just need to say it. you know how in catalunya 2009 casey is just like. two seconds away from fainting on the podium and valentino/jorge are having their whole intense thing going on and are just. ignoring it. gets me every time, it's just such a bizarre discrepancy of vibes. like two different narratives are going on during that podium and they're just pretending like the other one isn't happening, except in casey's case that's extremely understandable and in the others' case?? idk I'd check on him?? power of animation I'm having casey literally faint and everyone ignoring it. maybe several times. sorry casey this is social critique on your behalf

if you have an equivalent utena walking up the stairs pre-race build up, it is so important to me to remember that casey crashed during the valencia 2009 warm up lap

something something valentino catalunya 2008 special italian football team leathers something casey's issues towards italy something them actually having a duel in that race while casey is just about trying to wrestle his italian manufacturer into making themselves useful for once... this is the first... second? turning point of the season. okay look there's several turning points. but crucially that's one of the big ones, when casey is starting to get the ducati situation sorted and they have a post-race test at catalunya and then casey goes on his little win streak that leads you to laguna. I think you can do something with the concept of italy here

something something taking on the number one plate symbolism

thinking of the utena stopwatch thing and how casey's mum was always making the notes for casey's races as a kid and they're included in his autobiography... like you've got this little kid with essentially performance reviews... idk something about constantly recording what he's doing. I can SEE that scene of animated kid!casey going around the dirt track while his mother is recording his progress with a stopwatch and notebook in my mind...

two-faced valentino... make it literal. Valentino The Racer and Valentino The Character and Valentino The Person as entities that casey meets separately

something about valentino's fucked up little fingers as his one vulnerability

valentino reeling in casey like a fish, is this anything

anyways. I love the dovi description... I still get like. nebulously sad about his 2020 where it's both kinda I get how this fell apart but it's so unsatisfying? which is the fun of it! narratively speaking. and the fact that he was such a big influence on the development of that bike, how possessive he got over that project and really saw it as his, how he ended up being unceremoniously dumped and he's seen them win again and again... again he does have the whole 'being well adjusted' thing working against him BUT idk there's a satisfying suitably cinematic story in there somewhere

and yeah I do see the jorge/dani vision!! I think that one's the one where I'm like. the least attached to the literal details and am quite happy to fictionalise it!! especially because lbr his path to his first title just Does Not Work narratively. like 2010 only works as a good conclusion of that arc if valentino is actually THERE to be defeated, or if jorge and dani actually have more of a title fight. and he does have an extremely queer-coded narrative!! you kinda have the actual family right, then the way he kinda... cycles through a few versions of what are essentially all found families, like he's got the whole manager situation which obviously in itself ends up a nightmare, then the coach turned manager he also split from then ?? it's kinda... that dimension of athletes where they're CHOOSING the people close to them (not that he's fully in a position to make a lot of these choices!!) and then has to cut ties when he becomes more aware of how those people are attempting to exploit him.... the whole number switching thing is explicitly framed as a form of liberation. his tendency to get Obsessed and a little Weird about all his major rivals (dani, valentino and dovi get the worst of this) like it's just a fun vibe to play with... the way the rivalry with dani is also a little Imposed from Above and also jorge doesn't get why dani keeps him at such a distance and is constantly trying to like. bug him into paying attention to jorge. he just makes for such a good coming of age story protagonist, like he's so vibrant and awkward and cocky and kind of ridiculous,,, prone to way too intense introspection and just overthinking EVERYTHING and he's trying to play a character while also wanting to find his authentic self or whatever... he's just such a Young Guy and his story with dani is full of that energy... yes

anyway. on to sete. you and me anon

valentino!!!! cuts!!!! his heart out!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THAT omg.... I love the idea that he'd just. be motivated to destroy sete enough that he's willing to take the final step.... the one that ensures his rule over the sport will never be challenged in any meaningful way but he also cannot return from, a line that he can't un-cross.... AND y'know I've banged on enough about this idea that valentino really DID change his approach to his rivals after that, acquired a bit of distance which would be!! fantastic, it's also that element of not just him Losing something but also him not wanting to go through those kinds of complicated emotions at the hands of someone who had been a friend again... removes his heart!! exorcises his softness!!

I kinda love the idea of making it... the natural conclusion of where that particular journey was taking him. like the idea that that's kinda always where he was headed... it's why I think the sachsenring/brno 2003 thing is so neat, like the fact brno is the site of both the big comeback win against sete but ALSO where he agreed to ride for yamaha in the middle of the night. that you're drawing the line between 'he wanted to be his own man' (seemingly a harmless motive, even admirable) with what 'being his own man' involves, aka psychologically torturing his rivals (possibly a little questionable). another thing I adore here is his phillip island 2004 celebrations when he seals the title..... what a spectacle!!!! in retrospect it's just kinda,, oh look what a fun celebration! he's having fun!! it's all a show!! because sete has been erased from that celebration. and that race is the culmination of BOTH those arcs set in motion at brno 2003, it's his great yamaha victory while also being deeply cruel... and before that the sepang celebrations... I just like the idea that what people tend to see as Good valentino traits (joyous, fun celebrations) and Bad valentino traits (working to destroy his rivals) are fundamentally impossible to detach from each other, and the only way you get rid of them both is by suppressing who he is as a person... now I'm not saying that the devil tempted him to join yamaha but I'm not not saying that? works with the ibiza trip between sachsenring and brno too, like you can parallel that to sete contemplating honda the previous year (this did Not canonically happen but narrative efficiency). it's all their choice!! but they were also Twisted By Circumstances.... valentino's corruption arc why does nobody see this is valentino's corruption arc....

[itsguysnightitsironic]

Some human skin and bone

The yassification button glitched, so sorry for your loss.

Did this take years of my life? Yes.

Did it take making at less three before realising I used their identifying colours to render them? Also yes.

Drawings without the dramatic light under the cut with some very long ramblings.

(I'm pretty sleep-deprived right now, excuse my weird grammar and ramblings.)

They are in order of making.

HOOTSIE

-She was the first I drew of the bunch, and I based her mostly on a baby I saw in a hair salon. She had these big un-blink-able eyes and these adorable chubby cheeks that just made sense that Hootsie had.

-To try to union the owl and bear parts of an owlbear, I gave her this very puffy ENORMOUS fur coat with a feather jacket under it. To define where in her original design the fur and feather separate.

-Also the claws, since Hootsie has claws, it's your decision to decide if they are REAL or if Gricko made them for her in wood.

-Her makeup it's designed to scream "OWL" and her original markings, from the big eyes, and eyebrows as owls horns, to the line to symbolise her beak.

She was very fun to draw, brain empty, just owlbear.

GIDEON

-You know the whole "re-inventing the wheel"? Well, this was a "drawing Mace by accident over and over again"

-Credits to Beth Mello for inspiration for the splash blood makeup, which it's just so pretty

-I don't know where the metallic horns came from, I know it's inspired by something but it is so locked in my mind and I can't pull the strings to know where it comes from.

I showed this one to one of my old art teachers and he said "It looks like me when I was younger" and now I can't unsee it.

Your genishi is my retired art teacher now, so sorry for your loss.

GRICKO

-Did I ask my father to pose to draw his old hands? Yes. Yes, I did. And I had to make them more rough and hairy because he has "selling wristwatches on tv" hands? Absolutely.

-I based his hair on a member of Metalica, Kirk Hammett. Now that he's older, he has this very pretty long curly greyish hair that just felt very Gricko.

-I cut his fingers. Well, only the right hand, he has the other one but it didn't grow correctly so it's more like little little finger without nail. So he has four fingers, in his original goblin design he has four fingers and so does the human version now, we don't know what happened, Gricko probably doesn't know either.

-The makeup had to have the most eccentric in-your-face eyeliner ever. With some green highlighter to remain of goblin skin, blue and white dots for his magic and to link him with Hootsie's little blue gems, and body paint inspired by Britons war paint. (Which are drawn after two of his totems.)

Lighting for this one was weirdly easy... The ocarina wasn't.

FROST

-As someone who is pretty young and it's starting to grow white hair already, I can say, that whatever it's happening to him it's more from stress than genes. What ghost scared you, sir?

-I fought with his face so much, I had his body ready for days but not the face. I wanted to keep the expression that Frost has in the original, mostly the smug smile he has.

-Credits to Freja Bermann for inspiration for his makeup which it's inspired by multiple of her looks inspired by the solar system.

-I just realised that by giving him "horns" and two dots to symbolize his tiger ears it looks like the froggy chair of Animal Crossing.

I'm not changing it. This is our little secret.

KREMY

-How do you draw an alligator as a human? How??? DRAW??

-You know what, drawing hands it's only fun if it's old people's hands. They have more texture and can be a bit rougher. They can define a character's life so well... For example, here Kremy has four fingers, you can decide if he got it cut off by fucking around, bitten off, or if he gifted it as a sign of faith to his patron, you decide.

-You hear about "Give Gideon a cowboy hat" get ready for "Give Kremy opera binoculars"

-His makeup was inspired by cabaret, just dramatic eyeshadow and eyeliner. There are markings as gator skin around his eyes and nose. And a fake beauty mark because why not?

Drawing Kremy it's always fun, even if I get tortured first by trying to structure his face.

I can't bring myself to do Torbek, Twig and Petunia, sorry, I'm very tired.

AHHHHHHHHHH.... Have a cupcake 🧁.

[gofancyninjaworld]

Started watching Mob Psycho 100. About 5 episodes in and yeah, I get why this show is so popular. It's good, even real good, so far. Mob is a good protagonist and the animation has been really impressive.

I also recently started reading One Punch Man and it's fine. I like the art and every now and again it gives me a chuckle. But ultimately I think OPM has a fairly conservative world view that makes me hard to enjoy it as anything more than easy fluff. It's all about the power of the individual and has some really questionable class politics in places. I know it's not intended for a deep read, but I can't help it. I'm glad I'm reading it through the library instead of buying individual volumes. I think I'm like 21 volumes into it.

Back to MP100, I'm still early so I can't say for sure yet, but I feel like it is the better written and realized of the two. I'm a sucker for the monster-of-the-week style format and so far it has been nailing while also developing the characters pretty well.

I gotta say, I'm impressed. I'm usually pretty cautious around checking out popular things since I tend to not enjoy them. So far that's not the case here.

First, I'm glad that your library has a lot of the OPM volumes: it's great for the series and a very wise way to read. If I didn't have my library cards, I'd be perma-broke and out of space in my home. :D

Second, I hope by now that you've finished reading Mob Psycho 100. I think it's a fantastic work and while there's a part of me that hankers for ONE to find something more he wants to say in that world and tell another story, a bigger part of me really respects that he's known how to tell 'a big story of a small step' and end there. It is one of the best coming-of-age stories I've read or watched. If you haven't checked out the anime, DO! It is incredibly well-realised, imaginative, and every season builds better on the previous.

Yes, now that you mention it, One-Punch Man does feel more conservative than Mob Psycho 100 in *some* ways. Whereas the latter is about middle schoolers exploring how to shape themselves, OPM is about the challenge of having a sense of purpose as an adult and balancing act of being an individual and being part of society. And no one quite knows what they're doing...

The various kids in MP100 may have challenges as small as getting someone to sign up for a school club or as big as stopping a would-be megalomaniac from taking over Japan, but they're free to focus on those problems. Their parents keep a roof over their heads, cook dinner, draw up budgets, pay bills, and prompt them to do homework. Their schools give them a ready-made social context in which to interact repeatedly and shape their goals. They're free to be children and it's precious.

OPM, almost everyone is an adult, and adult life is both less and more structured than that of childhood. There's a lot more to balance, you don't have infinite energy, time, or resources, and if you get it wrong, life gets super hard. We get Saitama: he's become the strongest man in the world thanks to his singular focus on being so strong that he can send any enemy flying with a single punch -- and he's also homeless (he's squatting in an abandoned apartment), with no post-secondary qualifications, no steady job (he's held lots of menial jobs, keeping them only long enough to quit and live off them so he can be a hero). The idealism of being a hero may get you thanked, but thanks don't pay the rent: that's why the Hero Association came to exist, in order to enable people motivated to be heroes to actually focus on it. It'd be a short story if Genos hadn't introduced Saitama to the HA.

Those checks and compromises necessary to survive and thrive in society do give OPM a more conservative feel. However, on the other side, there's no one telling you how far you can go. Difficult as it is, there's more scope for self-actualisation for the characters in OPM than there is for those in MP100. And there's no one way to do it. Swings and roundabouts.

Not sure how OPM will end yet, but so far, I'm still finding it compelling.

Given how long this has been in my inbox, I have no idea if you will read this. If you do (and I hope you do), thank you. Thank you for an awesome ask.

[roseate-felidae]

I've realised that if Vampire the masquerade was real that I would heavily overuse feral whispers (animalism thing). Most likely become a "hive master" like in the old nosferatu source book but for cats (maybe to a lesser degree, moths, birds, etc.)

Warning that underneath readmore I ramble on about autism and rejection.

Geez you want to enjoy some media. Then realise you can pinpoint your traumas and desires in your favourites.

I heavy rely on my animals for comfort and strongly cling to the fact that they love you unconditionally if you treat them well.

All my life my autism has made it hard to keep and form relationships. Most people would drift away eventually. Most of my family would be blunt that im overwhelming, loud, and annoying. That the reason they don't like spending time with me is because I'm too much. I actually had a friend leave to that recently.

I constantly fear people will leave me or are just being polite. The worst is that the latter is mostly the case. Every conversation leaves me worrying over over-talking/texting. I feel anxious and a burden. It's always been obvious I'm different even when I've tried masking in the past. So people avoid and/or leave me out of activities or conversations.

So for an animal to not give a shit that I'm different or excitable, etc. But just love me as long as I treat them well. It means so much. I don't have to worry they are just being polite or secretly dread when they next see me. They not that complex. Their love is always genuine. They're blunt when they are upset, too.

The only thing the animals can't do is understand what I say and have a conversation. The ability to talk to someone and them understand what you're saying is still something I need. To even speak back.

So for feral whispers to allow that. Then I wouldn't need to rely on people that much. It doesn't have to be complex conversations for me. Most of my family aren't aware of topics of biology anyway.

I would also most likely be anarch (as very politically left) despite the fact I don't play them often. Also not judge people on clan stereotypes. I don't usually do that in real life with people (so why vampires).

I also think I cling so strongly to the nosferatu because they have a strong sense of community. That they'd help each other without wanting something back or needing a reason to. Crucially, the clan books always mentioned them embracing autistic people and other people society left behind. And them being more excepting of them.

I love animalistic features, of course. But Gangrel doesn't have community or acceptance of difference. So that's why I never care for clan Gangrel. Or Malkavian as strongly. Despite being mentally diverse, there wasn't much community on purpose. The madness network was more involuntary. There was ironically a lot of prejudice to disability too.

[marciaillust]

Thank you so much for Ecdysis. I only got around to read it today and urgh, my heart. Get this poor boy (Kazuma) a hug. But you gave him so much more (Ryuunosuke).

Somewhat chronological things that stood out to me: I loved the little snowman to indicate the change of seasons. And I was very glad to see the chibis in the following scene; it's just something I associate with you ever since The Clockmaster. I know you can draw hands; I think they look so well because you draw the nails. Anyway, this time I paid more attention to the ears though. You mentioned drawing lots of heads in different postition and the ears fit each time.

Again, thank you very much for creating and sharing this.

Hi! Thank you so much for the lovely message, it made me so happy to hear about all the little details you noticed about Ecdysis!

Ever since I started working on it I knew that I wanted the comic to encapsulate the timespan of about one year (leaving out all the flashbacks of course) and I spent some time thinking of quick visual indicators that would communicate the passage of time. The little snowman is one of them, another one would be the cherry tree outside Ryuunosuke's dorm room

from a blooming spring scenery, to slowly losing petals, cherries and in the very last frame of it it loses its final leaf :,)

A big part of all the background work for me was communicating the feeling of "temporariness" that Kazuma is so fixated on. Butterflies famously have week long lifespans. His footsteps in the snow get covered up by the new snow falling, and their footsteps on the beach get washed away by the sea. The foliage wastes away. And when he looks at Ryuunosuke on that final page on the beach there are a few shooting stars, beautiful yet gone in less than a second. All the while the snake stays and only grows in sizeeeee ; 0 ;

Thank you for the compliments about the anatomy! Ears have lowkey become my special point of interest when drawing heads, I feel like over the last year of making this comic I realised how much they can elevate the sense position/rotation of the head. Ears are objects with a lot of intricate details and it's kinda cool to try and capture all of them from an angle. I remember when I started drawing comics half a decade ago my ears had only 3 modes aka full on front ear (just a little C shape on the side of the head), full on side ear (90% of the ears were this ear lol), and the full on back ear ( which tbh is almost nonexistent in real life but gosh manga and anime is right about how it immediately puts a shitty head in perspective lol).

My newly found favourite ear to draw is the 3/4 back view when you can still see the iconic C swirl but also the back of the ear does a little peekaboo

Thank you so so much for reading Ecdysis! I put a lot of love into it and it means the world to me to hear you enjoyed it! :)