#then experiencing the horrors and pain and abuse far beyond your years

[lesbians4armand]

sansa stark and book armand are kind of the same person if you think about it

[danmeiconfession]

No. I think Shen Yuan never really see these people as people even at the ends of the book. My dude really condemned Shen Jiu a modern man really gave no shit or felt any sorrow towards his enslavement and abuse. I read a fully grown man with modern sensibilities and values watch a child being horrifically abused. A child that was ENSLAVED, restrained, beaten, TORTURED by another man, an OWNER. And I read SY's thoughts on the matter. Read him condemning the child and feeling no horror or disgust at the act of child abuse. He felt nothing regarding the immorality and cruelty of slavery. Hell, When ZZL murdered GYX who was only ever just, kind, and helpful in all his interactions and to SY himself, I was upset SY seemed to feel nothing and felt no censure towards ZZL or sadness or guilt towards GYX who was trying to save him. But I excused it as him having other things to do because maybe for SY, it's easier for him to just push aside feelings over someone's death to focus on other things (though I was unnerved that he never seemed to think of it again or care).

SY intentionally condoned the murder of dozens of individuals to save his own skin, and never wrestled with his conscience over it. While SJ's self-hatred is detrimental to himself and those around him, at least he struggles emotionally and morally with his decisions. He still does them, but at least he doesn't excuse them or not even feel guilt or shame. SY however is completely shameless in doing whatever it takes to live. I honestly find characters like this interesting, but I found SY's character to be lacking because the author wanted him to be a self-centered survivalist while also a sweet, holy mother/mentor figure to LBH. That's a BL trope I usually find tedious and boring, especially because authors never have said overly kind, overly forgiving characters be kind to anyone accept a handful of characters who are plot relevant (sometimes even only the ML or villain) while they treat every other character as air or cardboard.

I was so convinced of SY's point of view on the original characters and novel, that I kept making excuses as SVSS unfolded. When he recounted the scheming and murdering of Sha Hauling in PIDW while fanboying over how excited he was to see her, I excused it as him not realizing the gravity of her crimes when they're committed against living people. And once he decided she wasn't that great and LBH deserved better, I was assured, even though he seemed to only do so because she was rude to himself. When he celebrated O!LBH's torture and mutilation of SJ for bullying him in his teen years and even called for SJ's castration, I excused it because who doesn't want to see an evil pedophile get what they deserve, and fans can get overly enthusiastic sometimes, even if calling for slow, multi-year mutilation and torture is a bit extreme even if LBH is your favorite characte

It seems a lot SJ haters like to excuse LBH's behavior the way they claim SJ fans excuse SJ's. LBH was the poor kid and bullied by kids in the neighborhood, then singled out and bullied at his school, before being treated to the abyss where he utilized the training he received at CQ and his innate demon heritage to establish himself. In PIDW, he proceeds to commit large scale mass murder, borderline genocide, destroy the human realms sects and defenses against spiritual and demonic threats, all why gruesomely maiming, torturing, dismembering, disemboweling, and feeding alive anyone he disliked. Uhhhh... disproportionate, much. Bitch slap and shame people if you want, but O!LBH is a monstrous, self-centered, sadistic freak show. He goes far beyond a victim of abuse reacting with anger and defensiveness. He controls the lives and wellbeing of all the people in the realms, and repeatedly makes time to find enjoyment in the torture, pain, and suffering of others on a scale he had never experienced himself. Meanwhile, SVSS!LBH still decided to start widespread violent capture of cultivators to date Xin Mo while SY was out of the picture only sparing CQ because he knew once SY was brought back, SY would be upset with him if he did. He shows no care for anyone else, human or demon, in the world of SVSS besides SY. His only regards for others are as useful allies and subordinates, enemies, and people he knows SY would lightly scold and admonish him for killing. LBH is fucked up in every universe, whether he gets bullied at school, or his teacher turns him into a live in homemaker.

At best, I could excuse this as SY not seeing other people as actual people. Maybe because he read about them as fictional characters first, he can't fully perceive them as humans, just characters, not as real people like him and SQH. Maybe he made an exception for LBH because LBH is his favorite character. But that care and regard clearly don't extend to anyone else.

I have no idea where people get the idea he sees them as real he doesn't. I couldn't care about a protagonist who didn't react with shock or horror or even just resigned sadness to child slavery. I couldn't give a shit about his romance anymore. I stopped reading. To be clear, I don't hate SY, or even his type of character. I'm just disappointed because I went into SVSS thinking I'd be getting a cute, sweet, slightly stupid, modern nerd flailing though a comedic romance full of ridiculous misunderstandings and pitfalls. It turned out, I got a self-centered, apathetic fanboy simultaneously stalking while trying to avoid and stay on the good side of his mentally unstable, over powered idol. Which I've actually read before too, but at least the author wasn't forcing every other character to remark on how sweet, kind, and good the fanboy who cared about nothing but his favorite character was.

Clearly, his anti-abuse philosophy only extended to LBH and no other child. He felt nothing regarding the immorality and cruelty of slavery." The hypocrisy displayed by SY is astonishing. It's fascinating how SY condemns child abuse, expressing concern for Binghe's mistreatment, yet dismisses Binghe's daily killings over five years to control Xin Mo as a consequence of past abuse. There's an apparent double standard. Moreover, in the same breath, witnessing SJ's appalling abuse, SY downplays its impact, suggesting that SJ's mistreatment doesn't excuse his transformation into a reprehensible individual. SY seems to overlook the scumbag-like behavior, focusing instead on SJ's skills, status, beauty, hard work, and wealth.

Why do people like this character lol?

.

[chickensarentcheap]

Never Gonna Be Alone- Chapter 48

Title: Alone 

Warnings: profanity

Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @miss-smutty, @tragiclyhip​

He is content and sated under the familiar weight of her body; feather light in comparison to his much bulkier, muscly frame. Enjoying the warmth that clings to her smooth, naked flesh and the smell that lingers in her hair; a mixture of honey and coconut and the slight tinge of sweat. An arm tightly and protectively curled around her as she rests atop him; a single, heavy leg draped over both of hers, a palm cupping her back of her head as the tips of his fingers gently massage at her scalp. Short, dark hair fanned out over his chest, eyes closed and the top of her head tucked under his chin as her fingers blindly trace the tattoos that grace his left shoulder and the side of his neck. It feels incredible to experience this with her; the quiet aftermath of long and attentive lovemaking. Deviating from the normal frantic and desperate pace; punishing thrusts replaced by slow and steady deep movements that effortlessly pushed her up the bed and had her entire body arching underneath him.

It had been what they’d both needed; something more loving and meaningful. A search for absolution through whisper soft, lingering kisses and warm, adoring hands immersed in exploration. Using their bodies to speak for them; the pursuit of pleasure serving as a hopeful quest for forgiveness. Seeing it in those enormous, dark eyes whenever he’d pull back to look down at her; glistening with a mixture of want, desire, and trust. Her fingertips reaching up to push sweat dampened hair off his forehead and out of his eyes; his face cradled in her palms as she lifted her head from the mattress and covered his mouth with hers in a gentle kiss. It was sex that surpasses the act itself. Profound intimacy that comes with deep rooted knowledge and enjoyment of one another’s bodies. Always in sync, forever communicating with one another; a level that stretches far beyond just the physical feelings of lust, want, and need.

He’d never experienced that before; the emotions that both overwhelm and humble you. A body AND mind connection so strong and intense that it takes your breath away and has the ability to bring you to your knees. It’s what makes each coupling so incredible regardless of the style they agree upon. Whether it’s aggressive and bruising or quick and uncomplicated. Or the unhurried exploring and employing of the various ‘tricks’ and kinks that they both enjoy. And those long nights of long and lasting love making; the lazy kisses and the wandering hands and the bodies brought to the edge many times before finally being allowed to let go. Regardless of how it happens, there’s a deeper intimacy that he’d never before been privy to. An adoration and respect that is forever present; despite the degrading words (always at her consent, always agreed upon BEFORE beginning), or the hand around her throat, or the fingers biting into soft flesh of her hips and her ass, or the fist tightly and painfully gripping her hair. Love is always there; finding its way to the surface and communicated whether it be through their eyes or touch or in words themselves. So many things that are said in so many different ways; reaching a level where neither of them need to speak in order to get their wants, needs, and feelings across.

It’s an experience far beyond anything he’d ever encountered before. One that he’d actually never considered; long ago relegating sex to nothing more than a chance to escape from the stressors of the world and to reach a well needed release. In Dhaka he’d realized something was different between them; their bodies so easily and effortlessly responding to one another and merging together as if they’d known each other for years. There was an ease and a comfort between them; no awkward moments of silence afterwards, no feelings of regret, no embarrassment surrounding how out of control both had let themselves be. It was a tiny, sweat slick body cuddling into his; his initial hesitation greeted by her sheepish and almost apologetic smile. And when she’d gone to move away -afraid that she’d crossed a line between them- he’d simply reached out for her; curling an arm around her waist and pulling her tightly into him. Her face finding that spot that quickly became its favourite resting place ; settled in between his neck and shoulder with the tip of her nose pressed against the side of his throat. Neither of them speaking as they revelled in the aftermath; the feelings of peace and contentment that come after spending months without any form of real physical contact with someone. Enjoying one another’s presence; the way her fingers found and traced his tattoos while his slowly combed through her hair.

He’d known when he hadn’t been scared off by the gentler and more meaningful moments that he was entering uncharted territory. Caught up in a mess of tangled sheets and naked limbs; enjoying the smell of her hair and the sensation of her body pressed against his and her warmth breath that tickled his skin. He actually LIKED her; beyond the pangs of lust and the yearnings of want and need and the incredible sex that those things had led to. That bubbly and bright personality she possessed despite the enormity of the situation surrounding them; optimistic and cheerful even with the dangers hanging over their heads. Her smile; broad and beautiful and crinkling the corners of her eyes and the bridge of her nose. The sound of her voice; childlike and slightly high pitched, yet often so assertive and authoritative. That tiny body encompassing a huge personality; social and friendly yet demanding and forceful when need be. Possessing a strength that went far beyond the physical.

It’s one thing to have muscles and a powerful build and combat training. It's another to be mentally sound and prepared for anything thrown in your direction.

Even in those immediate days after their initial coupling, he’d considered the possibility of more. The chance of getting to know her better outside of the job; away from the stress and the worry and the fear of the unknown dangers lingering darkened corners. She’d already shown that his baggage and his issues weren’t a deal breaker; easily -and uncharacteristically- confiding in her about his drinking problem and his addiction to pain meds and the painful mistakes of the past. Not only the monsters and demons that haunted him over the death of his son, but the horrible decision he’d made in the months leading up to it. He’d told her about his mother dying when he was young and the nightmare he’d been left with; an alcoholic father that physically and mentally abused him. His failed marriage; a cheating, emotionally absent spouse that had deserved way more than he had given her. The horrors of the things he’d seen during his time in the military and what he’d done on the job; taking lives in order to save his own and that of his clients. His death wish; the hope that a stranger’s bullet would take him down because he’d been too chicken to do the job himself.

Everything had come pouring out of him; in the same way that she’d been so open and honest about her own life and failed marriage and the monster of a husband that had inflicted numerous traumas upon her. Both of them simply listening and absorbing the truths and confessions; neither judging the other for the things they’d done or the things that still haunted them. It was the first time he’d ever seen genuine sympathy in someone’s eyes; he’d gotten used to recognizing pity and disgust over the years. But the way she’d watched his face as he spoke and then tenderly cleared tears from his cheeks with gentle fingertips had told him everything he’d needed to know. She was different; unique and beautiful and put in his path for a reason. And IF the job went smoothly and they managed to get out of Bangladesh, he was going to make it happen; transform nothing into something. Willing to welcome her into his home and travel to Colorado to see hers. Wanting to know everything he possibly could about her; hungry for more time together and curious about just where things would end up. A long distance relationship perhaps; weeks or even months spent visiting each other, trips taken together, holidays enjoyed with one another. Suddenly he had a list of things to think forward to; the death wish suddenly pushed to the back of his mind and all but forgotten about.

Her fingers abandon their task. Halting the slow and methodical trace of his tattoos in favour lightly dragging a nail along the scar near his left shoulder; thin and faded and running vertically for several inches. An old injury; shrapnel from a roadside bomb in Kandahar that had made its way under the strap of his kevlar vest and left him a panicked and bleeding mess in the middle of the desert. She’s spent years exploring all of his blemishes and imperfections; committing each one to memory and able to blindly find each and every one. But it’s the internal scars that she attempts to fix; deep and jagged, some still open and festering. Every gentle touch, every whispered loving affirmation, each word of praise, all working together to heal him. Or to at least help him forget, even temporarily.

She peppers his collarbone with kisses. Slowly travelling from one shoulder to the other and then back again, stopping at his Adam’s apple and then moving up his throat and over the underside of his chin. Finishing with a chaste peck. Capturing his bottom lip between her teeth; giggling when he gives a dramatic frown.

Tangling his fingers in her hair, he presses a kiss to her forehead; eyes briefly closing as he breathes in the soft, familiar scent that clings to her hair. “You good?”

A gentle smile plays on her lips as she nods. “You?”

“I think it’s safe to say I am. Even though I swear I went blind for about a minute.”

It’s a feat in itself when you manage to hold out THAT long. Approaching that much needed release several times and then backing off and starting from scratch; rebuilding that pressure and tension in your stomach and in the small of your back until it becomes physically painful and you simply can’t continue with the self inflicted torture. Those moments leading to completion frantic and desperate; hard and punishing thrusts and animalistic noises emanating from somewhere deep in your chest. The orgasm had been extremely powerful and seemed to encompass every muscle, tendon and ligament in his body. Leaving him a perspiration soaked mess; panting heavily and every inch of his tall and muscular frame trembling.

“If it makes you feel any better, I couldn’t feel my feet for about ten minutes.”

“Makes my ego feel pretty good. Knowing I could get THAT kind of response from you.”

“When it comes to sex, your ego should be the healthiest on the planet. Because you, husband, know how to get shit done. And you get it done very, very, VERY well.”

“You still going to be saying that thirty years from now? When I don’t last as long anymore? I don’t want to disappoint you; have you start looking for someone that can get ‘er done.”

“I have no reason to doubt that you will be just as amazing then as you are now. That kind of stamina? I can’t see that disappearing. EVER. And there’s no way you’d forget all those skills, so…”

“The way my brain is? Add in some dementia…”

“Muscle memory, Tae. Your body will remember. I have no reason to doubt that. And definitely no reason to EVER look for anyone else. You’re it for me. My one and only. My always and forever. So if you got a problem with growing old and gray and senile with me…”

“Definitely no problem on my end. It’s what I’ve been planning and hoping for since the day I put the first baby in you.”

Grinning, she fidgets with the chain around his neck; taking the pendant it bears between her forefinger and thumb; the pad of the latter brushing against the smooth surface. Never a jewellery type of guy, it’s as elaborate as he’ll ever get; a simple hammered copper disk with their initials and that infamous date on the Sultana Kamal bridge almost thirteen years ago. When their old lives ended and their new ones began. “So you were expecting that were you? Did you have some dastardly plan in Dhaka to knock me up? Keep me barefoot and pregnant for the next seven years?”

“Okay so maybe it wasn’t right when I put Millie in ya. But when you told me about her. Shortly after I asked the stupidest fucking question a guy could ever possibly ask.”

“It wasn’t a stupid question. You had every right to ask it; wonder if it really was yours. I mean, if I’d jump into bed with you that easily, what was there to say I wouldn’t with anyone else? Could have been old habit, right? Could have been something I’d been doing on the regular. Banging mercenaries.”

“I don’t know if I thought THAT. It’s not like I thought you were putting out for every guy you worked with. I was just...I don’t know...surprised. Things were happening damn quick. Those five days, the things we were both feeling, what went down on the bridge. It was quite the ride. One I’d definitely do again with you.”

“It was a whirlwind, that’s for sure. I wasn’t exactly surprised though. About Millie. I mean, we weren’t exactly careful. At all. That surprises me more than anything, actually. That neither of us even thought of protection. I mean, once I can see. The being caught up in the initial moment. But the days after? Neither of us considered we weren’t being safe?”

“I considered it. I just didn’t give a shit. I know that sounds bad. Pretty fucking selfish, actually.”

“I always wondered if maybe we didn’t expect to get out there. That deep down we knew something was going to go wrong so why bother? We didn’t acknowledge feeling or thinking about it, but maybe it was there. Underneath everything.”

“Maybe. Or maybe I was just having too much fun and my hormones and my cock were totally in charge and wouldn’t let my brain think about condoms and shit like that.”

“That could be it too,” she muses, and curls two fingers around the chain. “And I was just so blinded by lust and potential love that I couldn’t think straight. You just disabled any common sense and rationality. Like you have been for the last twelve and half years.”

“Oh, so it’s all my fault, huh? That your brain wasn’t stronger than your hormones? You’re going to blame that on me?”

“No one else to blame it on. Who else transformed me into a horny, nymphomaniac mess? Who is responsible for totally making me go against my ‘I’ll never get married again. I’ll never trust another man’ way of thinking? I WAS hell bent on being Miss Independent, I don’t need no man. And then you came along…”

“You do realize you’re still those things, yeah? Just because you let me take care of you and provide for you, doesn’t mean you’re not capable of doing it all yourself. If you had to. You’re strong, Me. Strong as hell. Probably the strongest person I’ve ever known.”

“Other than when you look in the mirror?”

“You have got me beat in the strong department by a wide margin. You know you could, right? Handle all of this on your own? If you had to?”

“I like to think I could.”

“I KNOW you could. And you need to realize it, too. Just in case…”

“We are NOT going down that path, Tyler. Not now. Not ever. Maybe I could do it on my own. But I don’t want to. I don’t even want to consider it. So could we NOT go there? Please?”

“We won’t go there,” he promises, then lightly grips her hair and pulls her into a kiss. Long and slow and soft; her naked body brushing against his and a soft sigh escaping her lips.

She’s smiling as she lays her forearm along his collarbone, resting her chin upon it as she peers up at him. “I know you’re okay. But are WE okay?”

“That’s a weird thing to ask considering what we just spent an hour doing.”

“Not exactly the way we should go about apologizing to each other. Isn’t that something we’ve been trying NOT to do? Wasn’t that one of the big things Doctor Klein has been working on us with? NOT using sex for comfort.”

“That’s NOT what we were doing. Maybe an apology here and there, but…”

“You don’t think it’s weird? That we fight and we still resort to making up through sex?”

“Okay, I’m going to use a really sappy and corny term, so please don’t hold it over my head for the rest of my life. But THAT? What went down a little while ago? That wasn’t sex. Or fucking. That was making love. Simple as that. Big difference, don’t you think? Between that and what we usually get up to?”

“Definitely a difference. A huge one.”

“So maybe we used it as a way to apologize for the shit that went down earlier. Sometimes things are better expressed without using words. You know how hard I struggle with that sometimes; saying the right things and getting my point across. So if there’s an easier way to get things across to you…”

“Easier and much more enjoyable, you mean. I know how uncomfortable talking about the ‘feels’ makes you. But just so you know? When you DO do it? Open up about things? Just let everything out? It’s beautiful and it’s genuine and there’s nothing for you to be embarrassed by. I’m the last person you should feel embarrassed around.”

“It’s just who I am. A part of me I can’t get rid of, I guess. It’s nothing to do with you. It’s ALL me.”

“Regardless, I just want you to know the way you say things? In that very Tyler way of yours? I like it. Seeing and hearing that side of you. But I don’t expect it. I don’t want you being uncomfortable. That’s the last thing I want. And your way of apologizing a little while ago? One of your best yet.”

“You definitely weren’t complaining. Well, except for when you’re getting pissed that I was dragging shit out.”

“Frustrated, not pissed. But the ending more than made up for it, that’s for sure.”

Smiling, he places a kiss on her forehead and then drops a hand to her lower back; palm flat against her skin, fingertips resting on the cheek of her ass. The other hand slips from her hair and settles between her shoulders; a gentle pressure pulling her tightly into him.

“I’ve always liked this with you,” she says, and places her chin on his chest. A hand resting lightly on the top of his head and her fingers playing with his hair. “The after stuff. Not that I’m saying there’s something wrong with the BEFORE stuff. Because there definitely isn’t. But the after stuff is nice. It always has been. Just being like this with you. Comfortable and relaxed and being in your arms. It’s always where I feel the safest. ALWAYS.”

“You’re safe even if you’re NOT in them, you know that right? That I’d never let anything happen to you..Whether you’re in my arms or not. I meant what I said, Me. About protecting no matter what. Against anyone and anything.”

“I’ve never doubted your ability to do that. Not once. Even when you were busted up and trying to get back on your feet, I knew you’d find a way to keep me safe. That you’d stop at nothing to make sure that happened. But when I’m IN your hands, it’s this whole other experience in itself. I’ve never felt that before. Being that at ease and comfortable and feeling like nothing can touch me. I never realized I even NEEDED to feel that way. Until you.”

“In all fairness, I didn’t think I COULD feel anything. Until you came along.”

“Pleasant surprise, huh? When you realize you really were still alive inside?”

d

“A VERY pleasant one, actually. Things I was feeling? For you? I’d never felt those things before. For anyone.”

“Not even your ex? I mean, you loved her at one point in time. She was your wife. The mother of your son.”

“I’m not saying I didn’t love her. I did. But it comes nowhere close to the way I love you. I can’t describe THAT. I just know what it feels like.”

“It’s profound and it’s all encompassing. It’s beautiful and terrifying all at once. Sometimes, it’s even physically painful.”

“You know…” he lays a palm against her forehead and pushes his hand through her hair. “...that’s pretty damn accurate, actually.”

“I didn’t think I could feel that way either. I didn’t think it was even possible. To love someone that much. Do you think this is what people mean? When they say love is sometimes a blessing AND a curse?”

“Maybe. But I like to think it’s more a blessing than anything else.”

“Me too.” She wriggles further down his body; placing the top of her head under his chin. Hand sliding to his rib cage; fingers easily finding and beginning the trace of the tattoo that decorates his skin. “You know what I was thinking about? How freaked out you seemed; the first time I snuggled into you in Dhaka.”

“I wasn’t freaked out.” He repeatedly grazes his knuckles up and down the length of her spine, the pad of his thumb ghosting over soft skin. “I just wasn’t into that. I didn’t exactly sow my wild oats with women that were into that sort of thing. I fucked them, I left. That was the arrangement.”

“None of them ever wanted you to stay the night? Not a single one ever got attached to you? BEYOND sex?”

“Maybe a few. Couple of them thought maybe they could scoop me up and get me out of the life. Away from the game.”

“Did you ever consider it? Taking them up on it? Letting yourself get scooped up?”

“Nope. I wasn’t at that point in my life. I was happy being the way I was. I didn’t like any of them in THAT way. I just wanted to get my dick wet, simple as that. I didn’t want anything more. Besides, even if I DID, I wasn’t in any place to get into any of that. Wouldn’t have been fair to them, you know? I was way too big of a mess. Way beyond anything they could have fixed.”

“And no feels? Towards any of them? I know some of them were just meant to be one night stands. But what about the ones you would go back to? You had a handful of those stashed all over the world. You didn’t feel anything for them?”

“Nope. They made my dick hard, that’s it. I wasn’t in the market for anything else, Me. Not companionship, not a relationship.”

“Just an escape. Get away from it all for a while. Forgetting about things. Just concentrate on the there and then.”

He nods.

“And not one single feel?”

“I didn’t exactly LET myself feel. And even if I had been at that point, none of them were what I would have wanted as a permanent thing. They were nice enough ladies; attractive, fairly smart, established. But just not what I would have been happy with. Then I met you…”

“And it all just changed? Out of the blue? No rhyme or reason to it?”

“You were the first person that made me actually FEEL things. Who made me realize I wasn’t a shit human being and that I still had a lot of living left to do. You were different. You were this tiny little thing with this massive personality. You looked so wee and so fragile and you were anything BUT. You were a challenge; you weren’t a pushover and you couldn’t be intimidated. And I liked that. ALL of it. You had so much light and so much optimism despite everything you’d been through. Despite what you’d seen on the job. And strong. So fucking strong.”

“So what you’re saying is that you’re attracted to strong, assertive, aggressive women,” Esme concludes.

“What I’m saying is that I’m attracted to YOU. No one else.”

She presses a kiss to his left pec. “So I’m a keeper, in other words.”

Wrapping an arm around her shoulders , he rolls over onto his side, effortlessly bringing her with him and then tucking her tightly into his chest. A smile curving his lips and his eyes closing as he buries his face in her hair. “Yup.”

*****

“I’m scared,” she says several minutes later, effectively snapping him out of the beginnings of sleep. Still lying on his side with her body pressed against his; a heavy leg draped over her top thigh and their heads sharing the same pillow.

His fingers find her hair; combing through the dark tresses, palm settling at the nape of her neck. “What are you scared of?”

“That we’re going to end up right back where we were. Before Nathan did what he did. Before you got sucked back into things. Before Australia, even.”

“Babe, either I’m really tired, or you're speaking in riddles. Because I have no clue where you're going with this. Talk to me like I’m a five year old; break it down for me.”

Pulling back to look at him, she lays a hand on the nape of his neck; fingernails lightly scraping against the bottom of his hairline. “Before we moved back, we were still struggling. A LOT. We’d come a long way, but we still weren’t communicating properly and we were keeping things from each other and we were fighting all the time. I HATED it; being that way with you. Loving you so much yet being so frustrated and worried and frightened that we weren’t going to make it. And right now? The way things have been over the past week and a half? I’m starting to get worried that we’re falling back into old habits. And I don’t like it. At all.”

“Neither do I. I hate the thought of it. But I didn’t think things are that bad. I mean, we’re both going through some pretty heavy shit. But I don’t think it’s anything like it was before. Not even close.”

“We’ve been arguing. A lot. Even the kids have mentioned it; that we’re fighting more and it reminds them of how things used to be. The first three? They remember ALL of that. They were there; hearing us argue, watching us be so angry with each other. And it’s done a number on them and I feel so fucking guilty for that. That we didn’t at least try and rein things in. For their sake.”

“Definitely not one of my prouder moments, that’s for sure,” Tyler admits. “All the shit they had to hear; all the times we were mean and horrible to each other. I know I always say I wouldn’t go back in time and fix things because it would fuck everything else up. But THAT? Letting them know just how hard things were? I’d definitely change that.”

“And Addie is terrified that something is going to happen. Between us. She brings it up at least once a day. Asks if we hate each other and if you’re going to go and live somewhere else when we get back home. She’s FIVE. She shouldn’t be worrying about stuff like that.”

“She’s also extremely sensitive. Talk above a certain level and she thinks we’re fighting. I can’t even raise my voice around her. You know what she’s like; how vulnerable she is sometimes.”

“I just hate that she even feels that way. That she’s so worried that things are going to fall apart, I mean, they’re not, right? Going to fall apart?”

“Babe…” his hand slips to her cheek, gently cradling it as he presses a kiss to her lips. “....things are fine. WE’RE fine. I’m not going anywhere. Just because we’re a little on edge and we fight once in a while, doesn’t mean there’s problems. It just means we’re going through some shit and we need to get home and work on things. That’s it. So we argue? Doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you. That I don’t love you.”

“I just hate it. Feeling like we’re slipping. That things are going back to THAT. And I worry if it slips any further…”

“We’re fine,” he assures her, and kisses her again; lips lingering against hers. “Everything is going to be okay. Nothing we can’t get past. We just gotta stick together. Not let anything or anyone fuck us up. That’s it. United front. Me and you against the world.”

Smiling, she drags her knuckles along the edge of his jaw; bristles of his beard tickling her skin. “Stronger together than we are apart.”

“Always have been. You know who ALSO said that today? Your son.”

“You’re going to have to be more specific. I have four of them.”

“Your oldest one. We had a little talk. After you took off. He brought up that same thing. That we’re stronger if we stick together.”

“He’s definitely been listening. And watching. He’s starting to sound even more like you. In so many different ways.”

“He’s going to be a good man, that kid. No doubt about it.”

“That’s because he has a good man in his life. An AMAZING man. And role model.”

A smirk tugs at the corner of his mouth. “I don’t know about that. That’s pushing it, I think.”

“Think about it,” Esme gently implores. “ TJ remembers what things were like before. How WE were before. When things were so hard and I’m sure it seemed like we hated each other and couldn’t stand to be around one another. He remembers when you left. Six months of his life without you under the same roof. And before you say anything…” She places two fingers against his lips to prevent him from speaking. “...that was in no way a cheap shot against you and I am NOT putting the blame on you. We had a lot of issues and neither of us seemed to want to fix them. But he DOES remember all of that. And now? Now he sees how different you are. How you treat me. He sees how much you love me and respect me and how you’ll do anything to protect me. He IDOLIZES you, Tyler. He wants to be just like you. In every way possible.”

“But I don’t want that for him. To be like me. I want so much more for him.”

“There’s nothing wrong with who you are. I don’t know why you can’t see that. Why you can’t hear the words that are coming out of my mouth. You are NOT a bad person. You've made bad mistakes. We’ve ALL made them. You’re not the monster you think you are.”

“I don’t want him following in my footsteps.”

“Be a mercenary, you mean.”

He nods. “That’s the last thing I want for him. That kind of life. Because the things I’ve seen and heard and the things I’ve had to do? I don’t wish those on anyone. Look what it’s done to me, Esme. And I’m not talking the broken bones or the getting shot or stabbed or any of that shit. I’m talking about what it’s done to me MENTALLY. It has fucked me up. You know that.”

“First off, you are NOT fucked up. You’re flawed. So am I. You don’t love me any less, do you? Because of my issues? My imperfections?”

“These aren’t just small issues. Tiny imperfections. They’re…”

“Do you?” she softly interjects. “Love me any less? Knowing what I struggle with?”

“Of course not. There’s nothing that could make me love you less. NOTHING.”

“And I feel that same way about you. So do your kids. And you know what, I don’t want him in that life either. I don’t want him being a mercenary. But he’s TEN. And all he really thinks about is how cool and exciting it is that dad gets to travel places and kick bad guys’ asses. He’s not thinking about the things the job has done to you. He’s a kid. His mind doesn’t work that way. He was five when you were in the hospital. He probably doesn’t even remember most of it. Especially the worst times. All he knows is that dad goes away and he helps people and sometimes, the bad guys die. It’s just the way it is. That’s all that matters to him. That, and that you come home safe and sound.”

“But there’s so much more to it. So much. And I don’t want him finding those things out first hand.”

“If he keeps going on about it when he’s older, THEN we tell him. Or you tell him. But right now he is still a little boy and his mind romanticizes and glorifies what you’ve done. What you still do. He’ll change his career about a hundred times before he’s eighteen. I know I did.”

“It's just not a life I want for him. For any of them.”

“If the time comes where ANY of them are considering that life, then we do something about it. But right now? They’re all still so young. They have so much time ahead of him. And I wasn’t talking about that; the mercenary side of you. Because you are more than that man. WAY more. You’re a husband and you’re a father and a grandfather. And believe me, those things matter more than you being a mercenary when it comes to your kids.”

“I just want to set a good example. That’s ALL I want.”

“And you ARE setting it. They all see how you are, Tyler. They see how you treat me. How you love me. Respect me. ADORE me. What more could you want for your boys? Do you know that that’s teaching them? Seeing you that way? It’s showing how they should be when they grow up. With their own partners. And that’s huge, babe. HUGE.”

“I guess I never thought about it. I just do it. I just act on how I feel about you. That’s it.”

“And it’s a beautiful thing; when you act on it. They see this big, strong man being so loving and gentle and attentive. What could be better than that, in their eyes? Their dad being that way with their mum? It makes them realize that even the bad asses have a heart. And that’s okay to use that heart. For good.”

“They also see me being an emotional wreck sometimes. So…”

“And there’s nothing wrong with THAT, either. So what? You get emotional. You cry. You’re a human being. Not a machine. And isn’t that we want for our boys? To be strong and protective when they need to, but soft and sweet and caring ALL the time? I know that’s what I want for them. There's so many things I want for them. Things that will make them good men.”

“Am I? A good man?”

“A good man who’s made bad choices and who’s had a hard life. Who’s learned from his mistakes and always tries to fix things and be better. You’re a good man and a great husband and an even better father. Think about what you’re teaching the girls. When they see you emotional. When they see you loving me. It’s showing them what kind of man they should want. That they deserve that kind of love and they should never settle for less. They’ll look for someone like you. And I know you’ll argue and say that’s not a good thing, but it IS. It’s a VERY good thing.”

He nods slowly as he considers her words; blinking back the threatening tears and swallowing noisily around the lump of emotion sitting in his throat.

“You ARE a good man. Regardless of what your brain says. And I hope one day it stops telling you differently.”

“So do I.”

“Baby…” she lays a hand on the back of his head; lips pressing a series of feathery kisses across his forehead and along the top of each eyebrow and down the bridge of his nose. “...I didn’t mean to make you cry. That’s the last thing I wanted.”

“Good tears, Me. All good tears.”

“Does it make you feel better that I think you’re beautiful when you cry? That you do suffering so beautifully?”

“I don’t know if it makes me feel better, but it’s really goddamn weird.”

“I know I don’t say it as often as I should, but I appreciate you SO much. More than you could ever know. Everything you do for me and for us and for our family. That doesn’t go unnoticed. And I love you so much for it. For always getting back up and putting one foot in front of the other simply because we need you to. I know it’s hard; that it takes all the energy you have to keep going some days. But you do it. For us. And you have no idea how much I appreciate that.”

“You know how you say I have a knack of making you cry easily? I think I’m rubbing off on you.”

Smiling, she curls both arms around his neck and presses a kiss to his lips. Eyes sparkling adoringly when she pulls away; searching every inch of his face as her fingers move through his hair. “You’re a beautiful person, Tyler Rake. Don’t ever let anyone or anything tell you otherwise.”

*****

He’s unsure how long they doze for; stirred from sleep by the sound of the bedroom door creaking upon, followed by the clinking of Mac’s metal tags against his leather collar. The mattress swaying and bowing as the dog jumps onto it and curls into a ball at the bottom of Tyler’s feet; laying his head on his front paws and issuing a loud, comical yawn before closing his eyes.

The temperature has dropped; the furnace clicking on and then settling into a low, almost soothing hum. A strong wind rattles the windows; bare tree branches scrapping the glass and tapping against the metal roof. His left arm is asleep; circulation cut off by the weight of his wife’s head resting on his bicep. And despite cautiously slipping it out from underneath her slipping form, she stirs. A groan of protest escaping her lips as she rolls over onto her back with a groan; heels of her palms pressing into her eyes.

“Good back to sleep, baby,” he encourages, and throws back the heavy comforter. “It’s late.”

“I wasn’t fully out of it.” She pushes herself up onto her elbows, frowning as he slips out of bed. “Where you going?”

“Just getting some clothes to put on. We learned that lesson more than once; always put something on BEFORE the kids get up.”

“We’ve encountered a few awkward moments,” Esme admits, then giggles when the t-shirt he tosses her way lands on the top of her head. “Are you okay?” she asks, as she tugs the garment on. “You have pain? Did you have a nightmare?”

“Everything’s fine,” he assures her, then slips into a pair of weathered and tatted plaid pyjama pants he pulls from the dresser. “Just having a hard time sleeping, I guess.”

“Probably everything that went on today. Your brain probably can’t completely shut down. Come back to bed, though. There’s no reason to get up. Just come and lie down and let me cuddle you.”

“Me…” he grins. “...we’ve talked about this.”

“Sorry. Why don’t you come back to bed, lie down, and cuddle ME”

“That’s better.”

Rolling her eyes, she squirms across the wrinkled and rumpled sheets and settles herself -on her side- in her regular spot. Back towards him as he slides into bed behind her; a forearm placed across her pillow and a palm resting against her stomach and pulling her tightly into him. A groan rumbling deep in his chest when she wriggles her ass against him. “You be good,” he warns.

“I wasn’t doing anything.”

“Bullshit you weren’t.”

“I was getting comfortable,” she informs him, and then pushes her fingers through his; their joined hands resting against the fabric of her t-shirt.

“Sure you were.”

“I like this. Being little spoon. It’s my favourite.”

“You’re the perfect little spoon,” he praises, and drapes a leg over hers. “You fit just right.”

“Doesn’t hurt when you’re so big and I’m so small. Do you ever notice the way people look at us? When we’re out in public? When we’re walking down the street together? Holding hands or arms around each other?”

“I’ve noticed. It probably looks cute; tall guy, teeny girl.”

“They’re probably wondering how we ever get things done. Between the sheets.”

“We manage. We don’t have seven kids for nothing.”

“Have you ever considered you’re just incredibly fertile? Or that we both are? That it didn’t take very much to get me pregnant all those times?”

“I’ll have you know that I worked very hard all those five times it happened. I busted out my best moves to put those kinds of smiles on your face.”

“Baby, sex with you is always amazing. Well, there was that one time when you were really drunk and passed out on top of me and…”

“You are NEVER going to let me live that down, are you?”

“Nope,” she laughs. “Never. Especially when Declan was conceived during your drunken escapade. Let’s never tell him that, okay? We don’t need him to have a complex.”

“He already has one. He’s a ginger. That’s enough to give you a complex.”

“Your mother was a ginger,” Esme points out. “He looks just like her. So do you. In some ways. Definitely the shape of your eyes and your forehead and chin. They’re identical. The rest…”

“The rest I get from my old man,” he reluctantly admits. “Yeah, I know.”

“From a physical appearance standpoint, that’s not a bad thing. You happen to be very attractive, husband. Very sexy.”

“Are you saying my dad was sexy?”

“Ewwww. No. God, no. I’m saying you inherited good genes. From a physical standpoint. You are NOTHING like him in other ways. How about we NOT take this conversation any further? Let’s NOT talk about him.”

He presses a kiss to the back of her head. “Good idea.”

“I know what I WANTED to tell you!” She rolls over to face him; his hand falling to the small of her back. “Some very strange things happened to me today. While I was out.”

“Baby, I have been eating at the buffet of strange ALL DAY.”

“Well, consider this the dessert. Guess who showed up? At the diner.”

“Do I really want to know?”

“Natalie. Alone. No kid in sight.”

“She just wandered in out of the blue? Did she follow you there or…?”

“I think this time was a complete coincidence. It’s not a normal place I go to. I specifically went in a direction I don’t usually take because I didn’t want to run into anyone. I wasn’t exactly feeling too social or chatty. But yep, she just wandered in. The waitress knew her. First name basis. So I’m thinking she’s a regular there and it was just a totally random event. For a change.”

“Did she say anything?”

“Not at first. At first she ran off as soon as she saw me. Or tried to. I chased her down. I’d had enough of her shit and I wasn’t letting her off the hook.”

“And I didn’t get a call to come and bail you out of jail?” he chides. “Me, you’re losing your edge.”

“She is insane. Legitimately. That can be the only explanation for the shit that came out of her mouth. She really does think that you two have some kind of connection. That you’re feeling the same way she is. And she’s pretty determined to bust us up and reel you in.”

“That’s never going to happen and you know it. I am perfectly content where I am. She’s just some crazy bitch.”

“A delusional crazy bitch. She tried telling me that you came onto her. At the American Girl store. That you propositioned her. Something about taking a break from the girls and finding a supply closet and…”

“Okay first off, I’d never do something like that. I’m a lot of things, but a cheater isn’t one of them. And even if I was that kind of guy, I sure as hell wouldn’t do THAT. In public. In front of my daughters and my grandkid. She’s fucked. Well and truly fucked.”

“The more I argued with her, the more adamant she became about stealing you away. She’s pretty hot and horny for you, honey. I don’t know…”

“If anything, the thought of her makes my dick shrivel up. In fear.”

“If she had a normally functioning brain, she’d probably be deadly. But she’s just so off the reservation and so delusional that there is no way she’s a threat. Even if she did sort of let on that she is.”

He frowns. “What did she say?”

“Something about how I don’t know who I’m messing with. The usual bullshit someone spouts when they’re called out. They always try to act big and bad. You’ve seen that before; guys trying to step up to you because you’ve threatened their masculinity. I mean, she’s obviously harmless. A bit of a stalker, but…”

“There’s something not right with her. At all.”

“You’re telling me! She’s plain nuts. And I called her out. For lying about TJ. The whole last name thing. Told her if she ever brought my kids into her shit again, I’d go over to her house and drag her out and beat her ass in the middle of the street.”

A grin plays on his mouth. “That’s my girl.”

“I also told her to stay away from you. I don’t appreciate her pissing in my front yard, and I sure as hell don’t share. I don’t know if she'll listen to me, but…”

“Don’t worry about her. She’s obviously not all there. We’ll be leaving in a few days. Won’t have to deal with her for a while.”

“Thank god for that. Any more run-ins with her and I WOULD catch an assault charge and you WOULD be bailing me out of jail.”

“Wouldn’t you want me to leave you there? You might meet some nice lady.”

Scowling, she reaches between their bodies; making him chuckle when she pinches his stomach.

“Don’t be mean,” he dramatically pouts, then pushes her hair behind one ear, then the other. “What’s the second thing? You said a couple weird things happened.”

“This one is so strange it tops anything odd that’s ever happened to me. There was this guy there…”

“I don’t know if I like the start of this…”

“...who looked EXACTLY like Mark. And when I mean exactly, I mean a ninety nine percent match. That’s how much he looked like him.”

His blood immediately runs cold, and he tries his best to hold back any sign of emotion. It’s been years since he’d found out that her first husband was actually still alive; responsible for sending him a handful of voicemails and text messages. Harmless at first. Then becoming very disturbing. “As in your ex Mark?”

Esme nods. “We are talking about his identical twin. If he had one. I swear to God I almost peed my pants. Scared the ever loving shit out of me. That whole saying ‘you look like you’ve seen a ghost’? That was me. I can only imagine what my face looked like. Freaked me out so bad. I honestly thought I’d wet myself."

“Did he say anything to you?”

“Just random chit chat. He held the door open for me. Nothing major.”

“Hmmm…”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Hmmm? What’s there to go ‘hmmm’ about? It’s obviously not him. He’s been dead a long time. Hopefully burning in hell. What’s the look on your face for? Now you look like YOU’VE seen a ghost.”

“It’s not that. I just...wow. I guess it IS true; people do have a twin out there somewhere.”

“Well Mark’s twin is from New Jersey and didn’t seem like a first class asshole. He was pretty friendly, actually. Are you okay? You don’t look so good. I know Mark brings back a lot of bad things, but…”

“I was just thinking how weird that must have been for you. Seeing someone that looked just like him. Considering everything he’d done to you.”

“Oh believe me, the memories all came up at once. I was sort of a wreck for a bit after all. But I mean, he’s dead. He’s hardly a threat. It’s not like people can come back from the grave. It was just really strange. Made me feel some things that weren’t very nice, that’s for sure.”

“You’re okay now though? You’re not still freaking out inside? You’re okay?”

“I was okay as soon as I got home. As soon as I saw you. And I got to be in these big, strong arms of yours.” She runs a palm over his left bicep and triceps; enjoying the feel of soft skin and hard muscle. “I’m fine. It was just really weird. I’m okay now.”

“Good,” he says, and kisses her; the back of her head cradled in his palm as his lips softly and slowly move against hers.

“What a weird ass day, huh?”

“It’s one for the record books, that’s for sure."

“It’s over. That’s all that matters. We dealt with it and we got past it and tomorrow...or today...we start again. We deal with our shit and we get on with things and we don’t let anything break us. Deal?”

“Deal.”

Smiling, she kisses him this time, pushing her fingers through his beard and lightly scraping her nails along his jaw. “We need sleep. Badly.”

“We do,” Tyler agrees, and his lips find her forehead. “I’m sorry, Me. That things were pretty shitty today.”

“None of that matters now. We both apologized and we both know what we need to work on. And we’ll do it together. Like we always do.”

“We will,” he confirms, and she once more turns her back towards him. He reaches around her slender body; palm pressed against her stomach, eyes closing as he buries his face in her hair.

“I love you, Tyler.” Her voice is barely above a whisper. “So much.”

His hold on her tightens. “I love you too, Esme. More than you’ll ever know.”

Heaving a long, content sigh, she nestles her cheek into the pillow and closes her eyes. Body settling and relaxing against his; safe and protected in the confines of his arms. Completely oblivious to the building rage and worry. In the matter of minutes, so many unknowns have taken up residence inside of him; centred around the true nature and reason behind Natalie’s behaviour and the encounter with Mark’s ‘twin from New Jersey’.

Sleep won’t find him. Not tonight.

[serendipitous-posts]

I see your Au’s where Klaus is the one with his powers suppressed and I raise you an Au where Ben’s power is the one suppressed

(May call this Cthulhu au? Sounds about right. I also somehow made Reginald worse??)

So, Reginald Hargeeves is a dick, but he’s also pragmatic, right? He doesn’t care for these kids, as long as they can live up to his expectations

He is absolutely determined for them all to reach their full potential, mental and physical safety be damned

So in this verse, he doesn’t give up on Vanya. He remains certain that he can control her and that she can control it

It takes a lot of time, but he’s persistent in his belief she can achieve greatness, which would be amazing virtue if he wasn’t such an abusive ass

The violin, he learns, helps a lot, helps hone her abilities and fine tune them to her advantage

The press love the little musician, with her big shiny eyes and careful nature and gentleness

You know who the press doesn’t like? Ben. Hates him actually. 

Or rather, they hate what is inside of him. They hate the Horror

(once, when ben was very young, he had tried to explain to three that he was the horror and the horror was him. like conjoined twins, but she had looked so disgusted that he had shut up)

Because it’s hard to spin a weird eldritch abomination that kills people into a positive light, and in the aftermath of every mission there’s always a group, growing louder and louder with each one, arguing that just because they were criminals doesn’t mean they should be murdered. That the Umbrella Academy were playing judge, jury and executioner when they shouldn’t, that they had no legal power and what were they doing?

An even smaller group, but potent in it’s ferocity, points out just how terrible it is, forcing a child to kill people

And normally Reginald would write it off, ignore it except-

Except he can’t ignore the way the Horror has been acting lately-hungry and aggressive and mad. But not towards the other kids, no. Towards him. He steps into the room and Ben’s skin starts crawling and twisting.

(if he didn’t know better, he would say it was trying to protect him)

And Hargreeves, as we see in season 2, is an experienced fighter, but he’s not going to kid himself. He knows he doesn’t stand a chance against the Horror. The only ones who might are his siblings

But, as he realises with horror, he doesn’t know if they would side with him against number 6.

Because Ben is the shy, quiet kind one. If he ordered them to kill them- Number One might do it, but the others? No, no way, he sees how they look at him sometimes, all quiet fuming hatred and anger and-

They’d probably try and kill him themselves

But they’re young, and easily manipulated so he starts - leaving suggestions really- makes them watch any videos of the Horror attacking, showing it’s rampage as Ben wilts before them all. Suggests 6 shouldn’t be near the cameras anymore because he’s too frightening. TV shows now have movies like Alien and documentaries about parasites that burrow under the skin

They see a hulk figurine in the store one day and he makes sure to tell One, loud enough for everyone to hear, that he’s not a hero, he’s a monster, because he can’t control his impulses

At the end of every mission, he finds a reason to critique the Horror and Ben and their brutalness, all the while sending them out to do so anyways

The Horror, perhaps sensing the amount of bullshit that is happening, grows worse, grows even more agitated over time

4 and 5 and 7 rally behind him, because 5 and 7 are his isolation buddies and 4 and him have been friends forever. But 1 and 2 and 3- they start to pull away, little by little

Because they believe that he’s going too far that their father may actually be right, at least on this, it is a little freaky, and it’s not just their father saying it, it’s everyone and they can’t all be lying

He makes them all sit in on Ben’s special training- killing a rabbit, and now Vanya starts to flinch whenever he comes into the room, stops inviting him to her recitals

(it’s not a coincidence that rabbits were her favourite animal)

Five stays loyal though, making a point of going with him to the libraries or talking to him about books he’s read. Ben’s- he’s paler now, even quieter, but he enjoys the company and the Horror always seems to settle down in his presence

Then Five disappears one day and never returns. 

Reginald is torn because on one hand- he’s one asset down and Five was always a very useful asset and very very clever but he always thought he was so clever, working around all of his rules

Vanya and Five were the closest and now she’s alone. And even though Vanya is one of the nicest people out there, she just lost her brother, and she needs someone to blame to lash out at and she remembers how Ben and Five would talk for hours about Five’s powers

She yells at him, screams at him that this is his fault, and Klaus tries to intervene but it doesn’t really work, because in this universe Vanya isn’t forgotten or ignored, she’s the most powerful and that comes with a certain amount of respect.

She’s more confident and sure of herself and she is sure that this is Ben’s fault

The Horror, sensing Ben’s stress, lashes out. It slams a tentacle down on the ground in front of her, causing her to scramble back, suddenly aware of the fact that she is in a room with someone who has a literal monster in his stomach

Diego walks in on Ben attacking their sister and immediately grabs his knife, stabbing into it and Ben howls, the tentacles sliding back under his skin

Diego is praised for his quick thinking, one of the few times his father ever compliments him and he holds it close to his chest

(she’ll realise her mistake much later of it not being Ben’s fault, but she doesn’t apologise, too scared of the Horror and what it could do to her)

(she full on avoids him now)

All that leaves in Klaus, but to be honest? He has his own issues to deal with. At first, he clings to Ben because he gets it, the absolute hatred you have to your powers

And Ben is so so so happy to have someone be there for him, someone who hates their abilities as much as he does. They comfort each other after their own personal lessons, talk about which powers they would like to have, how they would love to get rid of their powers entirely

And then Klaus does. Get rid of them. 

Well, kind of. Drugs as it turns out, cancels out his abilities. They learn this during a mission and he’s so happy. And Ben is so happy for him

Except . .  after a while, Klaus starts to pull away too, so caught up in the world of drugs and addiction and leaving him behind to deal with his own issues

He tries to confront him on it, but Ben was always the meekest of his siblings, and it doesn’t go well

“You’re just jealous” Klaus spits “you can’t turn off” he gestures towards Ben’s torso “that thing.”

All the while, the Horror is growing more and more agitated, squirming under his skin like an itch, stretching it and bruising it, awful and visible. His siblings, sickened by this display, start to avoid him, which just makes him agitated, which just makes the Horror agitated, which makes it more active, which makes his siblings avoid him more, rinse and repeat

(he can’t move, somedays, from the pain of it all, muscles stretched beyond their limit by the thing that should never be beneath a persons skin)

And then- and then, after a very bad mission, where his siblings had all looked away as he emerged bloody from another room, his father tells him he doesn’t have to do missions if he doesn’t want to

Holy hell. Holy fucking shit

This is- it’s- everything he has ever wanted since his first ever training exercise 

He says yes, of course

(The Horror hasn’t been this calm in years)

And he doesn’t have to go on missions anymore! He gets to stay home and read and be alone but in a good way and it is everything he has ever dreamed of and more

(in another room, their father announces that Ben is too dangerous to be allowed on missions anymore, and that he won’t be training with them anymore)

His siblings are torn between relief-that they won’t have to see another killing spree, and jealousy-because he doesn’t have to go on missions or have personal training

(none of them are relieved for ben, who always hated going on missions)

Klaus especially is jealous, and is snippy towards Ben for the remainder of the week, but he’s on cloud freakin’ nine, and he doesn’t really notice any of his sibling’s odd behaviour

But as time passes, Ben starts to feel more and more left out and excluded. The main reason why the siblings are so close is that they go on missions and train together, and Ben is no longer doing that.

He also notices that the others are . . . blaming him a lot. Even for things he didn’t do

“Why is there a hole in the wall?”

“Ben must have let the Horror out”

“You’re bringing an animal inside the house? Don’t let Ben see it”

It’s lonely, but the alternative is going back to training, and he would actually rather die. It’s just- he’s being selfish. The Horror is a monster (he is a monster) so it makes sense that others would think he was the one doing Bad Things

And Ben spent his entire life trying not to be a Bad Person, but everyone keeps saying that he is a Bad Person, and he isn’t sure what to do. Sometimes people recognise him on the streets, pull back, hide their kids, some the same age as him

(once Allison and Luther were with him when this happened, and they looked at the woman shielding her baby with something like-understanding? empathy? whatever it was, it made Ben’s stomach open, but not in a Horror way in a Bad Way)

He breaks down in tears, finds his mom in the middle of the night, feeling like a baby because he is fourteen years old and he shouldn’t be crying except this morning Diego had turned to Luther and asked “where’s the freak?” and Luther had grinned and said “Ben’s still in his room” and neither had realised he was standing behind them

(family scapegoat syndrome is a very serious thing.)

He goes to her, crying and wishing that it would just go away, that awful, awful monster in his body, why won’t it just die already?

Grace tries to comfort him, but Reginald knew this would one day happen, and put certain  . . things into her coding, things she can and can’t say.

She sits there and tells her son awful things about him and the thing that lives inside of him, a parasite, she is forced to call it, to call him

(and you may think Diego hates Reginald the most, but that title has, will and always shall belong to Grace)

“You’re disgusting” she tells her son and thinks of the man who made her

Ben wails, loud and strong, and the Horror responds to his horror, jumping to life and slamming into Grace and then Ben is screaming and he can hear his siblings footsteps, rapidly approaching, but he’s trying to get to his mom and-

He blacks out

He wakes back up in the infirmary, where Pogo is waiting for him. He explains how their mother is damaged, and will take a while to fix

He has to go about his day with Diego’s glare scorching his back. Breakfast is burnt porridge and milk.  The first chance he gets, Diego accosts him, knife missing by inches

“A-a-asshole!” He shouts, brandishing a knife “h-how could you?!”

“I didn’t mean to!” Ben squeaks, because he was always the shortest brother and his brother loves their mom and he hurt their mom and his brother is armed

“Diego stop” Vanya says, tugging on his arm “you’ll anger it”

Ben looks down to see his skin ripple and flushes, pressing himself even further against the wall

“You saw what happened with mom” Allison chimes in, glaring at Ben because their breakfast that morning was awful

“He’s not worth it” Luther says, and for once it seems they’re in agreement, because Diego turns and walks away, the others trailing behind him

Klaus stops, and gives him a sad look before scurrying after them, leaving Ben alone

Afterwards Ben is pulled into dad’s office and he’s handed pills. “To suppress your more . .  animalistic side” he said by way of explanation. 

Six blinks up at him. Suppress? As in . . get rid of? No more Horror

“It has come to my attention that you are far too dangerous to have running around unchecked” dad says when he asks, and Ben wilts

He takes the medication, and tries not to get his hopes up about it, but the Horror is gone

Instead of the usual aching chasm in his stomach there’s nothing. Just a sense of stability, of calm. He doesn’t feel like bursting into tears or crawling away in shame

(he doesn’t . .  he can’t feel much of anything really)

But he does feel excitement. His siblings are going to be so amazed- no more Horror!- and- and his dad can give Klaus some medication too, so he doesn’t have to use drugs anymore- or other drugs anymore!

His father pulls him aside and tells him that he must never tell anybody about this medication. His siblings have to keep thinking he can summon the Horror

Ben loves their father so much, wants to impress him, wants to make him proud. Except-Klaus. Klaus deserved to have this medication too, right? His- his powers were way worse than Ben’s

Reginald tells him, point-blank, that if he tells anyone about suppressing the Horror, he will take him off the medication

And that is-Ben feels kind of muffled right now, as if he’s under a weighted blanket but-

Terror is the only way to describe it, because he just found peace and now it is being threatened to have it ripped away

He lies about the Horror. The others continue to avoid him, but he also avoids them now, guilt over his lie causing him to cut himself off from Klaus, who cared for him, who deserves to have this as well, but Ben is just so selfish-

The second he hits eighteen, Ben leaves the house. He’s been on medication for 4-5 years now, and it shows. His emotions are basically gone.

He stays away from everyone until the funeral, when Five returns, telling him about the apocalypse, and he believes him, wholeheartedly believes him

He’s so frazzled by the announcement that he goes off his medication, forgotten in the moment of the literal apocalypse

(Reginald Hargreeves was a man trying to play god. He tried to lock away a beast too strong to be tamed)

(Someone should have taught him;when you cage a beast, the beast will get angry)

[writingtoheal]

Even In Brokenness

As I sat around listening to the other members of the group speak, I couldn’t help but wonder, how did I wind up here? Most of the others were struggling just to get out of their house regularly, with little chance of support themselves or their family. Their issues seemed so profound, from debilitating anxiety to chronic pain and overwhelming addictions. I, on the other hand, had a full-time job, a decent place to live, and, from all outside appearances, a normal existence.  I wasn’t fighting battles in the here and now like they were. Many of these people were trying to escape current abusive relationships with possibly dangerous consequences. The abuse I experienced ended over 20 years ago and I still wasn’t convinced that I should even call it abuse. They needed to be in this mental hospital to gain their footing and learn new skills to break free from their addictions. I just wanted the nightmares to end. I wanted to go an entire day without a smell or a word triggering a flashback or starting up the video of those events from long ago. What did I really have to complain about compared to them?  I was just desperate to relieve my family from the burden of me and felt with all my heart that my daughter would be better off in the long run if I were no longer on this earth.  

I knew that my actions had led me to this place but I didn’t know what I was supposed to gain. True, I was “protected” but for how long.  I had no expectation that being in this place would bring changes to the underlying feelings that led me here.  I spent a lot of time in the small chapel, praying, writing, and hiding as much as I could. I asked God why this was happening and what I was supposed to do to make it all stop. I asked Him why he chose to preserve my life. I tried very hard to listen but no answers came. I knew that He hadn’t left me but I felt utterly surrounded by darkness. I was too ashamed to open up about the events that had suddenly started playing non-stop in my head. No one would ever understand. If I opened up, they would all know what a phony I was and how I didn’t belong. I desperately called out to God to help me go back to the way it was before. Thinking about those disgusting times in this new way, as abuse, only made me confused and angry, and I just couldn’t take any more. I was fully defeated, totally embarrassed, and irreparably broken.  

I wasn’t thinking about being used by God in that situation. I was begging Him to allow me to just die and more than a bit angry because He didn’t. I fully believe that God is all-powerful and uses all things to work for His good.  But when you’re locked up in a mental hospital, being used by God is quite far from your mind, at least it was from mine. So, I went through the motions, focusing on meeting their goals so I could just get back home. I ate when they told me to, took the medicines they gave me, and spoke just enough during group time to get a check beside my name.  I shared mostly lies and half-truths, but they didn’t know that.  I listened to the others, feeling a mixture of empathy, pity, cynicism, and even anger at the stories shared. Then one day, a young lady joined our group. She was just old enough to be placed with the adults instead of the teen unit. She was loud, crude, and seemed angry at the world. She couldn’t stay out of trouble and was ready to fight anyone who challenged her in any way. Her entire demeanor screamed, “Don’t try me!” For reasons I still struggle to understand, that’s not at all what I saw or heard. From the time she stormed into the room, sat right beside the door, and folded her arms in a big huff, I saw pain, not meanness. As I listened to her brag about beating up some kid over something minor, I heard fear in her voice. I had no idea why at the time, but I felt a sense of connection with this kid. It was like we had chosen different ends of the coping spectrum. She chose to build her wall of protection with anger and extreme defensiveness. If she threw the first punch, no one would ever hurt her again. I chose to throw all of my energy into making everyone around me happy. If I could distract them and do whatever it took to make them like me, no one would look too deeply and see my shame or the ugliness I felt on the inside. Both extremes were just mechanisms to try to cover up the pain.  

As group ended, I walked by her and made a quiet comment that only she could hear, again beyond my understanding at the time. I said, “The world isn’t going to end if you tell someone.” The shock was instantly evident on her face.  She didn’t fire back with the anger that had poured from her during group.  She just stared; mouth open.  I kept walking, still trying to figure out why those words came to my mind and why I felt the overwhelming need to say them to a perfect stranger.  About an hour later, she approached me, eyes wide and searching, and cautiously asked, “How did you know?”  Then I found myself sitting in the chapel, listening as she poured out her heart and shared the story that she had not told anyone else. Each word was so painful yet so freeing.  As the tears cascaded down her cheeks, remarkably, she seemed to grow lighter and lighter.  With each detail, the wall of fury she had built crumbled more and more.  She wasn’t looking for me to “fix” anything, which is good considering that we were both inpatients.  She just needed to get it out and see that, in fact, the world was not going to end and she could survive beyond the horrors of that horrific event from the previous year.  When she finished, the change in her whole person was evident. Her demeanor at group the next day was completely different. She was eager to visit with her parents and even wanted to apologize for her behavior. She didn’t offer an explanation or rehash the details she had shared in that chapel the previous evening.  We never spoke on a private level again and I have no idea what happened to her.  I’m certainly not claiming to have healed her pain with a few words and a listening ear.  That type healing only comes from God, Himself.  I know that she wasn’t really talking to me that evening.  She was pouring her heart out to her Heavenly Father, even if she didn’t fully realize or acknowledge it.    I feel privileged to have witnessed His miraculous healing power.  Looking back, I can now see that He opened my eyes to her pain.  He put those words into my mind and pushed me to deliver His message.  All these years later, I can’t help but wonder if He used that one conversation, sparked by one comment, to dramatically alter her life course. For me, remembering that series of events, reinforces that God can and does use us, even in our most broken state, whether we are open to it or not.

[malxlawson]

— && guests may mistake me as ( halsey ), but really i am ( amalia 'mal' lawson + cis female + she/her ) and my DOB is ( 8/6/1995 ). i am applying for the ( maintenance manager ) position as part of the EHP and would like to live in suite ( 202 ). i should be hired because i am ( + passionate, charismatic, thorough ), but i can also be ( - prideful, dramatic, argumentative ) at times. personally, i like to ( creating street art, volunteer community work, organizing protests ) when off the clock, but that won’t interfere with work. thank you for your consideration!

aaaand here we come with our favorite revamped heathen! mal hasn’t had quite as much changed - just a nice lil face lift and we love that for her.

before we get super into it: we have a stats page and a pinterest for your viewing pleasure.

going a little heavy on the triggers just because i want to be sure to cover all my bases!! most everything is just a mention, but we gotta be safe kids! take care of yourselves and remember ilysm.

( pregnancy tw, miscarriage tw, police brutality mentions tw, substance abuse tw )

- amalia raelle lawson was born august 6th, 1995 to marshal and cherisse lawson in oakland, california.

- marshal owned a local bbq restaurant and cherisse was an er nurse. both grew up in rough neighborhoods with rough childhoods, but vowed to make their kids’ lives better than their own.

- three years after mal came into their lives, they had a son; jayden.

- from that day on, mal had a best friend and confidant that she’d go to the ends of the earth to keep by her side.

- their childhoods weren’t easy in the way most kids are - their mom worked long hours and their dad spent most of his days at the restaurant. when their parents were home though (if cherisse wasn’t sleeping off a shift change), they spent their time with their community - be it at the restaurant or at block parties - trying to better it in any way they could manage.

- police brutality mention tw despite their efforts, their community was still plagued by all the injustices every other predominantly black community faces. from a young age, mal learned that the justice system wasn’t built to serve her or the people she considered family.

- police brutality mention tw she was six the first time she heard about a family friend being a victim of excessive force; nine when she saw it. for years after that, she saw mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and cousins coming to mourn their loved ones - either locked up or taken from them too soon.

- instead of becoming numb to these tragedies, a fire was lit in amalia to change the system - even if she had to dismantle it one piece at a time.

- in the mean time, mal found an outlet for her emotions in art - specifically painting. she started with watercolors and crayolas, but once her parents realized her abilities were beyond what they should have been for a kind her age, they put whatever extra they could manage into mal and her passion for art.

- she was fourteen when she was introduced to street art - graffiti, if you want to get technical. his name was trey and amalia was instantly enamored by him. trey ran with a rougher crowd than mal was used to, but he softened around her.

- pregnancy tw they were young, in love, and reckless. she was fifteen when mal found out she was pregnant. while she wasn’t thrilled about becoming another statistic, she was thrilled about the idea of having a child.

- not entirely pleased with the situation, but always willing to support their children, mal’s parents welcomed trey into the family with open arms and began planning what was sure to be a life full of love for the newest addition to the lawson family.

- miscarriage tw three months into the pregnancy, amalia started to experience cramping and spotting. worried it may be something serious, she had her mom take her to the hospital. it was there they confirmed that mal was experiencing a miscarriage.

- everything changed after that. amalia was no longer the girl who wanted to fight the world’s injustices - she was just a girl who wanted to fight the world. she was angry and bitter at everyone and everything.

- substance abuse tw her relationship with trey quickly began to deteriorate and she turned, for the first time, to the rougher crew he hung out with. booze and drugs quickly became a way for mal to cope with the pain she carried around. she started small - cigarettes and pot - before graduating to the harder stuff, like coke and prescription pills.

- substance abuse tw skipping school to get loaded became a regular occurrence and when the truancy officers showed up at the lawson’s front door, her parents sat mal down for an at home intervention. for as much as they yelled and cried and offered treatment, amalia wasn’t hearing any of it. it wasn’t until jayden snuck into her room late one night to ask if he was going to lose mal like one of his friends had lost his older brother that mal realized her actions weren’t only effecting her life.

- miscarriage tw just before her junior year - with the help of her parents - mal decided it was best for her to leave public school and finish the rest of her schooling online. the same time she started online schooling, amalia started painting again. something she hadn’t done since she found out she’d miscarried.

- being able to stay home meant mal had the space and time to heal in her own ways. when she wasn’t doing school work, amalia was painting to help clear her head. it took some time, but she was finally able to tell her parents what she was going through, both mentally and physically.

- miscarriage tw after she miscarried, mal started to suffer from chronic period and pelvic pain, as well as painful intercourse. she’d also been suffering from symptoms of depression, all of which help lead her down the destructive path she’d gone down.

- several doctor trips later, mal was diagnosed with endometriosis and depression and quickly began treatments for both. despite starting treatments for her endometriosis, doctors told mal the likelihood of her conceiving again was highly unlikely. 

- mal hadn’t expected to hear at 16 that biological children may never be in her future and she was devastated, but she had her support system and their love and willingness to do whatever they could for her helped her cope in a much healthier way.

- by seventeen, amalia was feeling like her life was back on track, though drastically different than she’d imagined. she finished her diploma early and began working for her dad in the restaurant; serving, cooking, even helping fix things when they broke down. slowly but surely, mal mended her relationship with her parents and earned back their trust.

- one day, after some kids had vandalized the restaurant, marshal asked mal if she’d help cover the graffiti. jumping at the chance, amalia spent three days finishing her first big piece - which is still her favorite to this day - a portrait of her family and the community that kept the restaurant going. abstract and colorful, full of life and vibrancy, mal’s piece drew a lot of attention and several offers for her to commission other pieces.

- for the next three years, mal worked at the restaurant and took commissions when she could. life seemed normal again. she even reconnected with trey, mending the relationship that had been broken.

- the day trey proposed was the happiest day of mal’s life. she’d been beyond thrilled! after everything they’d been through, he still wanted to be with her. unfortunately, the bliss didn’t last. their engagement abruptly ended and mal decided it was best if she get away for a while, so as to not slip back into destructive patterns.

- a quick google search brought amalia to the malnati website and their employee housing program. applying was a no brainer and a month later she and jayden were packing their bags and moving to chicago.

- she started as a maid and, in the four years she’s been there, has moved up to the maintenance manager position.

hcs!

- when she’s not working, mal’s usually painting in her suite or sketching at one of the many parks in chicago during the day. at night, you’ll find her taking full advantage of chicago’s nightlife. night’s in for mal lawson are few and far between.

- drugs tw she skates a fine line when it comes to sobriety. she’s careful to drink or use just enough to be sure she’ll have a good time, but it’s a slippery slope. in the four years she’s been in chicago, mal’s slowly started doing more and more, telling herself she’s got a handle on it. truth be told, she’s teetering on the edge of a full blown problem again. 

- super into video games, but partial to anything involving zombies. mal loves a zombie - don’t ask me why. she’s usually down to play among us, valorant, fortnight, and is always down for a little animal crossing when she needs something more chill.

- 90′s hip hop & r&b are mal’s shiiiiiit. she’s at her happiest when she’s got a little tupac on in the background.

- also don’t you dare try to tell her he’s not alive in cuba somewhere living his best life. she ain’t havin’ it.

- when she’s angsty/sad/angry her go to playlist is a lot of punk, rock, grunge. especially of the 90′s persuasion. she stays on brand. her favorites are the offspring, nirvana, the foo fighters, soundgarden, stone temple pilots, the smashing pumpkins, sonic youth, and pixies.

- she’s gluten intolerant and vegetarian.

- mal is a cult classic movie kind of gal. donnie darko, pulp fiction, rocky horror are all on her list of favorites. she’s never going to turn down a good horror/thriller marathon, either.

- she plays a little piano and a little guitar. she picked them up after she started online schooling. she finds both relaxing. she’s by no means going to make a career out of it, but it’s fun!

- hella resting bitch face, but she really is super friendly! she just doesn’t always look it.

- don’t test her, though. she’s got attitude for days and she isn’t afraid to let you know what she thinks or how she feels about you. we ain’t got no time for games, okay?! okay.

- amalia has also very much immersed herself in community work since moving to chicago, especially on the south side. if her parents taught her anything growing up, it’s that she should give back the her community as much as she’s able.

- a lot of her street art celebrates women of color and their beauty. 

- not a fan of cops, still. soz pals.

- when it comes to work, she does her best to make the malnati a decent place to work. she’s all about positive reinforcement and making sure she takes care of her employees. she’s not gonna shy away from telling you ya fucked up, though. she’ll say it with love, though, while also calling you a giant pain in her ass. but with love. okay?! okay.

wanted connections!

- hook ups! : mal is a RAGING bisexual and is not at all afraid to make her appreciation for someone’s physical appearance known. just don’t expect to stay the night. once the deed is done you’ve got about thirty seconds to vacate mal’s suite.

- softies! : make. her. soft. give me someone who makes her break her no sleep over rule, pls and thank. she’s a stubborn, pain in the ass, and sassy af but someone who can make her melt? and act like a teenager in love again? all gooey and gross? yuh. pls.

- good influence! : someone she doesn’t have to drink and party with to have a good time! remind her that she misses things when she’s not sober - that the world is still beautiful and inspiring even when she’s not in a drug induced haze.

- chill baes! : drugs tw people mal just ~ v I b E s ~ with! probs smokin’ a decent amount of weed together. 

- protest pals! : people who are also involved in the community and social justice movements. they happily bail each other out of jail (or, more likely, sit in the back of a squad car together) and attend protests together. bc the buddy system. overthrow the government safely ty.

- rivals! : mal’s got a big mouth and some seriously controversial opinions. she’s not afraid to call people out for being ‘wrong’ and calling them...creative names. she’s bound to have a giant list of people who aren’t her biggest fans.

- bad girl’s club : need i say more? give. me. the girl gang. constantly partying and constantly getting into some kind of mischief and leaving a trail of broken hearts as they go. 

if you made it this far, you deserve SEVERAL high fives and literally all my love. ily all v much and uh, yuh. let’s plot pals. :)

[kenzieam]

Surrender to the Call - Chapter Six (Bucky X Levi)

Rating: M (language, violence, mentions of torture and abuse, eventual smut, angst)

Genre: Drama/Angst

@captstefanbrandt @iammarylastar @kiiiimberlyriiiicker1995 @notimetoblog @captain-ariel-barnes @jaamesbbarnes @lancefvcker @bitsandbobsandstuff @softlybarnes @lovelybbarnes @buckitybarnes @bucky-plums-barnes  @moonbeambucky @badassbaker @citylights221 @empress-of-boujee @tbetz0341 @chook007 @shynara51 @diinofayce @casestudy-mw  @jewels2876 @damnaged-princess @everythingisoverrated @allmyfanficfaves @melgoodwin @clarabella960 @curvybihufflepuff @plaidcat4815 @angryschnauzer @wowspideyholland @sergeantwhitewolf@smilexcaptainx  @shirukitsune

If I missed any tag requests, I apologize!!

*IF YOU WANT TO BE ADDED OR DELETED FROM THIS LIST, DM ME*

**********************************************************************************

OMG. I haven’t updated this story since May! Shame on me. :(  CATCH UP HERE!

Well, anyway, I’m taking another stab at it, so I hope this chapter is worth your wait and, as always, thank you for reading!

**********************************************************************************

TRIGGER WARNINGS - ATTEMPTED SELF-HARM/SUICIDE- READ WITH CAUTION

For the second time, Levi cried herself into an exhausted sleep and, once she’d slumped unconscious against him, Bucky rose and carried her to the bed, laying her gently down and covering her with the blanket.  

The surrealness of what had just happened made his head spin. Levi had meant to kill herself; the gun had been loaded. How much longer would she have sat there before pulling the trigger? How close had Bucky come to losing her forever? Seated on the edge of the bed Bucky bent forwards, burying his face in his hands and fought a rising tide of panic.  

He couldn’t do this. 

He couldn’t live like this, with the knowledge that a moment’s distraction; a few minutes absence, could give Levi another opportunity to take her life. And more, what right did he have to try to stop her? What deep-seated selfishness was that? To demand another to exist in abject misery just to make life less empty and sorrowful for yourself?

His heart ached with an entirely new pain; one he’d battled months ago, when Levi had still been missing. Back then he’d told Steve that he preferred she die rather than live in such agony; but now, with her back and secure in his arms, his old resolve failed.

Goddammit, he needed Levi more than he needed air.  

He was a selfish bastard. He-

Levi stirred, a broken whimper escaping her lips. She was still asleep but, even now, needed him close. Her distress increased, her whimpers becoming more broken and Bucky gave in, lifting the blankets and curling against her, wrapping her tightly in his arms, tangling his legs with hers and burying his face in her neck.  

His body calmed her almost instantly, and he murmured soothing noises in her ear, reassurances that he would never leave her, that they would work through this and, by the time Levi relaxed again, the tears clouding Bucky’s eyes had stopped as well.

*****************************************************************************

A strangled scream tore Bucky from sleep and he jerked awake with a hoarse gasp, his heart racing.

“N-no!”  

Bucky turned, blinking in the darkness. Somehow, he and Levi had rolled apart, a large swath of mattress between them. Levi lay with her back to him, curled in the fetal position, twitching and jerking.  

“No, don’t.... please!” Her voice rose, breaking.  

Bucky cursed low under his breath and scrambled to her, pulling Levi against his chest. “Levi, baby-”  

Levi screeched like a caged animal, bucking against him and her elbow hit him painfully in the ribs. He grunted but didn’t let go; the bruises she’d inflict in the next few minutes would fade by tomorrow; they always did.  

“I’m sorry!” Levi wailed, but Bucky knew the apology wasn’t for him; it was for the specters in her nightmares, the ghosts that haunted and stalked her dreams, the souls she’d taken as HYDRA’s pawn. If they were anything like the ghosts of Bucky’s nightmares, then they were relentless; stalking shadows; unswerving and unavoidable, suffocating as they closed in on you, demanding blood in garbled, grave-hoarsened rasps.

“Levi, it’s me.” Bucky whispered, fighting his rising panic. Since being brought out of cryofreeze, Levi suffered from nightmares and terrors occasionally broken up by fits of exhausted sleep. Rather than the occasional bad dream, she now experienced only the occasional rest.  

Most times; Bucky was enough to pull her out of her terrors. Sometimes just his voice was enough, and he’d lay beside her and talk, stroke her sweaty hair back from her forehead as he murmured soothingly. Other times, he needed to hold her, wrap himself around her and almost shout her out of her dreams. He’d call her name with increasing urgency, heart rate rising with growing fear until he seemed to break through her terror, until she could hear him, feel him around her. She’d tremble for hours after, clinging to Bucky like a life raft in the middle of the ocean and he’d croon to her, murmur and hum her favorite songs until, absolutely wasted, beyond exhausted, she would sleep.  

But she’d terrified Bucky, twice now. Even his most desperate pleas had failed to rouse Levi, and she’d twisted helplessly, keening in anguished panic, completely beyond even Bucky’s reach. Both times Bucky’d had to call the T’Challa’s physician, both times the only way to bring Levi out of her prison was to sedate her, drag her down almost to a coma to free her mind from the claws of the memories that threatened to take her.  

Both times, Bucky had sat with Levi’s unconscious body, holding her hand and wondering if Levi would be able to find her way out of her hell. He’d stalked in behind her as far as he could, but there were places even he could not follow; places carved out during her four years conscious under cryofreeze, shadows formed that would never completely be extinguished, born from HYDRA’s rape of Levi’s whole being.  

Bucky prayed desperately that this wasn’t one of those times, that Levi would hear him, feel him holding her and that it would be enough. Her screams were heart-rending; the pain in them so much deeper than mere physical discomfort, this was soul-deep agony and anguish was a sharp knife in Bucky’s heart because he couldn’t save her from this, he could only be there to hold the shattered pieces. "Levi! Baby, wake up!”  

Levi jolted in his arms, like she’d been electrocuted and Bucky could feel her heart almost exploding in her chest, beating a frantic, manic tattoo that a normal, unenhanced organ would be unable to achieve. Sweat dampened her skin and she shuddered, a full-body tremble without end. Her screams choked off, replaced by a distraught gasping.

“Levi, can you hear me?” Bucky whispered tentatively. There had been times when he’d managed to pull her from the nightmare, only for Levi to fall instantly asleep again or, frighteningly, be simply too stunned to reply.  

“Bucky-” her voice broke and Bucky tightened his arms around her, rested his cheek to hers and began to croon; a slow song drawn out into a lullaby.  

*********************************************************************************

The sun was hot on Bucky’s shoulders but he reveled in it. After years of Siberian cold, the sun was always welcome. Levi’s shoulders were already growing pink as she hiked ahead of him, a thin trail of sweat beginning to show down her spine, darkening her red tank-top to oxblood. Her hips swayed in denim cut-offs and Bucky’s body tightened with unanswered need. He could not, would not try to force her affections, force her into anything she wasn’t completely ready for, but goddammit, it was growing hard, no pun intended.  

The last weeks had been a mingling of hope and shattering defeat.  

At times, Levi seemed almost successful at making progress, at taking a few steps forward and overcoming her crushing guilt; then something would slip, some dark thought would consume her and she’d tumble right back down her abyss of anguish.  

There were days when she was able to articulate her grief, tell Bucky about the crippling pain and sorrow, how the knowledge that she’d murdered hundreds clawed at her very soul, and other days were she could not bring herself to speak at all, or to eat, or do anything but sit in a dark corner of her palace rooms with a thousand yard stare, not hearing Bucky as he sat near her, trying to draw her back out.

Bucky shuddered remembering the scene that had slapped him in the face almost a week ago. He’d brought a tray of food back to the room to find Levi nowhere in sight, the bathroom door closed. He'd given her a minute of privacy, but when Levi hadn’t appeared, he’d approached the door, knocked tentatively.  

“Levi?”

There was no answer, then, a stifled sob.

“Levi?!” He tried the knob, locked. Gritting his teeth, panic beginning to curl ice-cold fingers around his heart, he slammed his synthetic shoulder into the door, splintering it open with a bang.  

Levi was seated on the lowered toilet seat; she didn’t even seem to notice Bucky’s dramatic entrance.

“Levi!” The sharp tang of blood was unmistakable now and Bucky lunged at Levi, grabbed her shoulders as he babbled in startled panic, heart pounding in his chest. He’d hidden his gun, all the knives-

Levi had a pair of metal scissors, spread open and, as Bucky watched in stunned horror, dragged the edge along the inside of her bare thigh. Blood welled and trickled down her pale skin and, when the cut’s length matched the several already there, she lifted the blade and began a new line, pressing harder. Her face showed no emotion, but tears streamed down her cheeks.  

“Jesus, baby!” Bucky roared, equal parts horrified and angry. He snatched the scissors from her hands and threw them across the room, dimly registering the shattering of a picture. Falling to his knees in front of her he grabbed her shoulders and shook her.

“Why? Baby, why?” HIs anger was suddenly overshadowed by panic and, letting go of her shoulders he pried her thighs wider, ran shaking fingers down her skin, trying to see the extent of damage through his own terrified tears. Both creamy thighs, thighs Bucky had spent countless hours between, kissing and worshiping, caressing with reverent fingers, thighs that had cushioned and embraced him as he drove inside her, were abused, marred by vertical wounds; none bled to extremes, but all were deep enough to weep crimson and patter slow drops on the floor. Looking up he saw Levi staring at him, through him, her gaze blank but far from vacant. She knew what she was doing, what she’d already done. She’d not moved since Bucky tore the scissors away, her hands still clasped together in front of her.

Bucky gave into his horrified sorrow and dropped his head as tears ripped through him. He pressed kisses to her thighs, kisses not of worship and adoration, of never-ending love but of desperation; frenetic investigation of the marred and torn flesh, uncaring of the blood and mess, frantic only to touch her, to soothe the pain.  

“Baby... baby. Oh god, why?” He babbled between kisses, between sobs. Lifting his head, he let go of her legs and cupped her face, needing her to really look at him. “Levi, please?!”

Levi blinked; eyes slow to meet his. Awareness was rapidly overtaken by pain, and shame.  

“I-” she whispered, voice breaking. “I just wanted to-” Tears were diluting the blood Bucky’s hands had smeared across her cheeks. “I just w-wanted to feel something else-” she sagged in Bucky’s grip, in defeat. “I’m tired of the pain-”

The wounds had faded, healed rapidly and you would not be able to see anything marring Levi’s skin now, save for faint pinkish lines, but the image of her dragging the scissors across her tender flesh, of the blood welling, of the blankness in her eyes still haunted Bucky constantly.  

They walked now, for hours at a time. Few words were exchanged and Bucky was reduced most times to simply following Levi as she hiked aimlessly; but then she’d find a place that appealed to her: a shady spot under an enormous, ancient tree; a nest of boulders near a watering hole, and Levi would stop for a while and sit. Sometimes she’d talk, others times not. But she would always take the hand Bucky offered her when he sat beside her.  

Bucky tentatively viewed these long hikes as progress. Levi’s explorations in the first weeks had been anemic, never venturing far, but since Bucky had found her cutting herself in the bathroom, something seemed to have broken free in her, an almost frenetic impulse to move. Her pale skin was beginning to tan, her shorn hair starting to wink copper in the sun and she seemed almost interested in her surroundings again.  

Levi stopped on a shelf of boulders and sat cross-legged. They’d visited this waterhole before, but had sat on the other side. A dying tree shaded them here and an assortment of animals mingled near the edge of the water, glancing up at the new visitors with faint alarm, relaxing again when they both simply sat. Bucky settled beside Levi, stretching his legs out in front of him. He’d stumbled a half-mile back or so, abrading his shin and winced when the skin pulled around the forming scab. Although she’d not rebuffed him yet, he still extended his hand to her with some hesitation, exhaling when she took it without comment. Today Levi laced her fingers with his and rested them in her lap, using her other hand to trace their connected fingers lightly.  

“Thank you.” She murmured, almost inaudible.

Not expecting her to speak, Bucky startled slightly. “What?”

Levi turned her head to gaze timidly at him but she looked away in embarrassment when his eyes met hers. “I said... thank you. I’m a goddamn mess but you’re still here... so, thank you.”

Bucky squeezed her hand. “Anything for you.”

“I don’t deserve-”

“Stop it.” Bucky clamped down on his frustration. This was not her fault. “It’s not your fault. You were made into a weapon. It was beyond wrong and fucked-up but you are not to blame.”

“All those people-”

“Are just as much victims as you are. Would you have done any of that if you were in your right mind? If you hadn’t been tortured and brain-washed?” He waited until Levi reluctantly shook her head. “No. HYDRA did this and if you give into this guilt and shame, if you let this rule you, then they win. I would do anything for you, baby. Anything but let you go. You’re not a monster and you’re not a killer. This wasn’t you, don’t let it define you.” Bucky broke off, holding his breath.

Levi exhaled, staring straight ahead. After a long minute, she sighed. “It’s hard.”

“You’re strong.” Bucky countered.

“And you won’t leave me?” There was a heart-breaking apprehension in her voice, a plea.

“Never.”  

Levi turned her head again and while there were tears trailing hot down her cheeks, Bucky saw a new resolve burning in her amethyst eyes too. 

[lilacmoon83]

Finding You Always

Also on Fanfiction.net and A03

Chapter 199: Dubious Hearts

His eyes snapped open and he breathed his first breath of fresh air in many years. It was still the early hours, just before dawn and he looked around the streets of Storybrooke. He noticed a few changes, but it was mostly the same. What wasn't the same was the masses of land beyond the quaint town.

"So...this is the United Realms?" he questioned.

"Indeed...my new Master once caused a cataclysm so devastating that it ripped the realms apart. But Snow White and her Prince have undone his wrath," Mephisto responded, as he waved his hand, revealing a shadowy realm and Jekyll followed him through the invisible barrier.

"Welcome to Nephilim...land of the banished and fallen. A land where the heroes cast us," he said.

"Not a very cheerful place," the doctor commented.

"That was our curse, placed upon us by the heroes that cast us out. For Seth, it was the Olympians that banished him and for me, it was also God-like beings that cast me away," he continued.

"God-like beings?" Jekyll questioned curiously.

"Asgardians," he spat distastefully.

"Asgardians...one of those wouldn't happen to be Fandral the Dashing, would it?" Jekyll questioned.

"Oh yes...he played an integral role in my defeat. I wasn't aware that you knew him as well," Mephisto responded.

"Oh I know him...before Charming was my nemesis, it was Fandral that denied me the woman I wanted. Rose Red rejected me for her beloved Fandral and I pined her for many years," Jekyll explained.

"Then I met Snow White...her counterpart and as much as I once wanted Rose Red, I want Snow White even more," he added.

"In due time. First we must discuss the terms of our...agreement," Mephisto said.

"Is this the part where you warn me that you own my soul?" Jekyll mused. But the air was stolen from his lungs at that point and he fell to his knees, as gold ethereal manacles appeared on his wrists.

"Oh...I already warned you of that, dear Doctor. Make no mistake...the powers you now have serve me. You'll be allowed to pursue your own interests, of course. But ultimately, you will help fill my empty fallen realm with souls," he said.

"Why do you need me to get souls for you? Don't you just go around making deals for them?" Jekyll inquired.

"Yes...I make many deals like the one you have just made. But you were an easy mark, doctor," Mephisto said.

"You make the perfect minion, because you are all too willing to do anything to get what you want," he continued.

"In the past, I have tempted otherwise righteous souls to make deals with me to save people they love. They never make good charges. They always end up finding a way to serve the forces of good, despite my owning their souls," he said.

"But you...you're evil and will think nothing of devouring innocent souls to fill Nephilim for me. In exchange, you'll have the power to pursue Snow White," he added.

"You are no longer a free agent, doctor. You serve me," he warned.

"Of course...our interests seem to be aligned. I will torment my lovely Snow's people, causing her great anguish, in which she will beg me to stop," he said.

"Yes...but I encourage you not to reveal yourself too soon. One of your new powers will allow you to possess people for a short time, though no magic users. They will know of the invasion, but an ordinary mortal won't be aware of the short hijacking," Mephisto advised.

"All the better. I can get close to Snow periodically with her being none the wiser," he said.

"You can also eavesdrop. Master Seth wishes to know everything those heroes are planning. But for now...I require a deposit in the amount of two souls," Mephisto continued.

"And the bodies?" Jekyll questioned. Mephisto smirked.

"Leave them...it will cause quite a conundrum for your nemesis and his police force," he replied. Jekyll nodded and ventured out into the night.

~*~

The Major gazed out the window of the penthouse apartment she had acquired in the newest apartment complex in Storybrooke. Her presence had gone unnoticed, for it was extremely easy to blend in with so many lands and Kingdoms in one place. Since the day she had killed Cecily Clayton and taken over the Collector's operation, she had learned much and her eyes had been opened to worlds beyond her imagination.

Her meeting the night before with none other than Shan Yu had been very enlightening. She knew that with magic in this realm, she could never hope to gain the control and power she desired. But Shan Yu's master, this mysterious Seth, had offered her a unique opportunity. He wanted to banish the Charmings from the United Realms and replace their memories with a fake life. He explained that he would curse them into a very good life so that they would never seek out anything else, but he said that they still needed a handler.

It wasn't exactly the kind of power or control she had been seeking, but this pair had already shown that they were exceptionally unique and carried a power within them that she really wanted working for her. So she had accepted this offer to participate in the plan and would continue her own agenda. And with no memories of this life, the Charmings would be none the wiser as they unknowingly helped her ascend to power.

~*~

Snow and David followed Regina to Zelena's that morning and smiled, as Jade answered the door.

"Hi sweetie," Regina greeted her with a hug.

"Hi Aunt Regina," she greeted in return. Alice saw her grandparents from the breakfast table and jumped up to meet them with hugs as well.

"Zelena told me what is happening. Did you really have to see that awful doctor again?" Alice said with worry. She had only heard the horror stories about Dr. Jekyll and the woman she had come to love as her grandmother had been through so much that she was deeply worried about her.

"I did...but I wasn't alone," she promised. David smiled and hugged Alice next.

"I didn't like it either, but fortunately, he cooperated for the most part and we never have to see him again," he promised.

"I tried to get through the wall with magic, but Creepyl must have done something to it, because it wouldn't move. So you'll have to knock the wall out, muscles," Zelena said, as she handed a sledge hammer to him.

"Okay...let's do this and get those notes to Hyde then," he said, as he took the sledge hammer from her and they followed him to the basement.

~*~

Winter glared at Rodmilla Tremaine through the bars of their dungeon.

"You should take a photo...it will last longer," the older woman spat, as she glared at the raven haired beauty.

"No photo could capture the full scope of your misery...the misery that you have coming to you," Winter said.

"Isn't torture a bit dark, even for you, dear?" Rodmilla taunted and Winter smirked.

"Don't let my appearance fool you," she warned.

"I look exactly like my counterpart, but my malevolence knows no bounds. But I'm actually not going to torture you, per say," Winter said. Rodmilla chuckled.

"I knew you didn't have the stomach for it," she goaded, but that was a mistake, as Winter used her wand and flames sparked and filled her cell. Rodmilla cried out in alarm, as she backed away, but had no escape.

"This is what I experienced after the first sleeping curse, every night I went to sleep," she said.

"I didn't put you in that sleeping curse, you little bitch," Rodmilla reminded.

"No...you only encouraged your daughter to go after my husband and she went as far as to drug him. Then when she failed at that, you proceeded to torture me and hold my safety over his head. You tried to force him to sleep with your daughter in exchange for my life," Snow reminded, ignoring her wails, as the flames threatened to swallow her.

"You should burn in hell for what you did to us...and I can easily make that happen now," she added.

"Go ahead, you little bitch. Because I relished every lash I spent on your back and my only regret is that I could not inflict more pain upon you! You think you know evil? You're not even in my league, honey," Rodmilla goaded, even through the flames. Charming growled and drew his sword, ready to skewer her. But Winter held him back and waved the wand and the flames died.

"You know what? You're right...no amount of physical pain would ever truly hit you where it really hurts," she said, as she waved the wand to carry out her will.

"My darling…" he protested, but she smiled at him and caressed his cheek.

"Oh trust me, my love...she's about to suffer greater than any physical damage we could inflict," Winter said, as her smirk finally unnerved the old hag.

"What have you done, you little retch?" she hissed.

"It's all gone. Your mansion is dust, your money was all just generously donated to our son's reserve and to the orphanage where our daughter volunteers," she said with a gleeful smirk.

"You didn't…" she growled.

"Oh, but I did...and now you might finally know what it's like to have everything taken from you," she added.

"You've spent your entire life, leeching off one rich husband to the next, abusing people, and stealing your way into a life of riches. You murdered and tortured along the way with glee, but your looks have long faded you now and no man will give you second look," she said.

"You are alone and you will now reap what you have sewn," Winter added.

"I'll make you pay for this," Rodmilla promised. But Winter smirked.

"No...you won't, because you no longer have money, power, nor status. No one will help you or pay you any mind," she said, as she made her disappear. She would now be returned to Storybrooke and left to her own devices, homeless, penniless, and alone.

"Are you sure about letting her back into Storybrooke?" Charming asked. She smiled and kissed him tenderly.

"Oh yes...taking away her power and wealth and leaving her to navigate this world without either is a far more fitting punishment than anything else we could ever do to her," she promised.

"You are brilliant, my love," he boasted, as their lips met again in a passionate kiss.

~*~

Snow watched her husband work on the wall and hit it repeatedly with the sledgehammer with great interest. Honestly, the man could make just about anything sexy, but him pounding a wall with the tool in a sleeveless shirt and sweat glistening on his muscles was almost too much. Her thoughts were indecent and she was certain the smirk on her face was very telling of those thoughts. For a basement, it seemed very warm and he noticed her stare on him.

"Is me beating the crap out of a wall really that interesting?" he mused.

"You have no idea," she replied, with a naughty gleam in her eyes.

"Ugh...do you two have any shame?" Zelena asked.

"Not really," Snow said, as David finally made a hole in the wall that was large enough to step through.

"Careful…" Snow called, as he shined a flashlight around and found that the doctor had indeed hidden something in there and it was more than just his notes.

"What the hell…" he said, as he looked around.

"What is it?" Snow asked.

"More of the serum," he answered, as the three of them poked their heads inside and saw the large chest he opened and it was filled with vials of the serum.

"Why in bloody hell did he make so much of it?" Zelena wondered.

"Because he planned to use it on the whole town. This must have been his back up plan if separating you two didn't work," Regina surmised.

"How would that even work? Surely he didn't think going around injecting everyone was possible," Snow said.

"No...but maybe this has something to do with it," David said, as he held up a device that looked a lot like the one he threatened to use on the town that would have dispersed the water from the river of lost souls through the air.

"He probably planned to use this to spread the serum into the air," Regina guessed.

"Looks like the sleeping curse saved the town even more than we thought," Snow said.

"Hyde still has a couple vials. We'll save two and then I'm going to destroy the rest," Regina replied.

"Do you think that's wise?" Zelena asked.

"I think it's unwise not to. With all the villains crawling around the United Realms...it might be too much temptation if any of them find out about such a stockpile," Regina replied.

"She's right. This would have been bad enough with just Storybrooke, but can you imagine the chaos if this serum somehow separated everyone's darker halves in the United Realms?" David asked.

"It would cause our own apocalypse. Seth wouldn't have to do anything. He could just sit back and watch everyone destroy themselves," Regina agreed, as he took two extra vials for Hyde to experiment with and Regina used her magic to vaporize the stockpile.

"We'll get this notebook to Hyde," David said, as Snow leafed through it and found what they were looking for.

"This is it...the recipe for the serum," Snow said.

"Have him get to work as soon as possible and take that thing to him," Regina replied, referring to the device.

"Why?" David asked.

"Because injecting our darker selves might not be so easy. They'll see us coming a mile away. See if he can work on an airborne solution. Forcing them to breath it in may be easier than injecting them," she replied. Snow nodded.

"Good idea...we'll see you later," Snow said, as she and David joined hands and left, while Zelena used her magic to repair the wall.

"I'm going to go see how training is going and then I'll see you for dinner at Granny's?" Regina asked. The redhead nodded.

"We'll be there," Zelena replied, as Regina disappeared in a puff of violet smoke.

~*~

Bobby concentrated and struggled to harness the power of wind. He was finding it much different than handling lightning or even his earth powers.

"You're thinking too much, baby brother. You have to feel the wind…" Eva instructed.

"I'm trying…" he lamented.

"Clear your mind and let your feelings take over," she said.

"Your mind is naturally putting up a barrier to keep from being overwhelmed, which will be very important later. But trust me and let those emotions in," Eva instructed, as Rumple observed quietly nearby. Bobby did as she asked and then stumbled slightly Eva almost moved to catch him, but Rumple put his hand up, signaling her not to interfere.

"I...I feel everything!" he cried out.

"I feel your emotions...you're happy," he said, as Eva smiled gently at him.

"And Mr. Gold is slightly annoyed, but I think he always is slightly annoyed," he added, making Summer giggle.

"He is," Eva confirmed, as Rumple rolled his eyes and Belle tried to suppress a smile.

"The Dark One...scary wielder of dark magic or just cranky grandpa?" Leo quipped.

"Mind your tongue, Junior," he warned, but there was no malice behind it.

"And wow...I can feel people that are really far away too," he said, as he looked at his older sister.

"Is it like this all the time for you? How do you think?" he asked.

"I've learned to control and suppress a lot of it. You'll get better at focusing," she replied. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on one purpose and that was using this power to protect. And once he did that, none of them were surprised when the power of wind swirled around him. He opened his eyes and formed it into a miniature twister in his palms.

"Wow...I did it!" he exclaimed. Eva smiled.

"You did," she said, as Rumple nodded.

"And though you have much training to do in order to master it, it's time to learn water now," he said, as Summer stepped forward to teach her brother to wield her bubbles.

~*~

"Yeah, thanks for letting me know, Joe. I'll look into it when we're done here," David said, as he hung up.

"What was that about?" Snow asked. He sighed.

"It would appear that our darkest halves popped into the diner this morning and abducted Rodmilla Tremaine," he said. She sighed too.

"Oh no...do you think that they'll kill her?" she asked fearfully.

"I hope not...but that woman tortured you, Snow. I honestly wouldn't put it past my darker half," he admitted honestly. Hyde had been quiet up until that point, as he leafed through the doctor's crudely scripted notes.

"I must say...I'm surprised you found anything. It would be just like the doctor to have the proverbial last laugh," Hyde mentioned, as he looked through the notes.

"He actually planned to have just that we think," David said, as Hyde looked up at them.

"What did you find?" he asked curiously.

"A stockpile of the serum...like enough to use on the whole town, along with this device," David replied, as he handed him the device.

"This looks like the prototype of the device he was going to use to spread the water from the river of lost souls," Hyde recalled. Snow nodded.

"We think this might have been his backup plan. I think he was going to try to make his serum airborne," she said, as he handed him two vials.

"We saved two vials for you to work with and Regina made dust out of the rest," she added.

"Probably a wise decision. I'll get to work right away on reverse engineering this," he said.

"Thank you...we appreciate this," David said, as they joined hands and left the lab to let Hyde work. He looked over at her and slipped his arm around her waist.

"I'm worried about you," he said, but she smiled up at him.

"I'm fine," she promised, as they stopped walking at the corner. He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her tenderly. But his phone decided to ring at that moment and he pulled away to answer it.

"Sheriff," he said, as he took the call, while Snow saw Archie crossing the street. Usually he had Pongo with him, but it was just him today.

"Hello Snow," he greeted pleasantly.

"Hey Archie...no Pongo today?" she asked. He pushed his glasses up on his nose.

"I left him home today and I was about to head to an appointment in my office, but my client canceled," he mentioned.

"Oh…so you have an opening?" she asked. He smiled kindly.

"I do...unless you know someone who might need it?" he questioned, just as David got off the phone.

"Hey Archie," he greeted and the doctor nodded curtly.

"Is everything okay?" she asked.

"Unfortunately no...someone found a couple of bodies in the woods," he replied.

"How terrible," Archie said.

"I need to go...but maybe this is good," he said, as he looked at the doctor.

"Last night was a lot for you…" he mentioned. She nodded.

"The opening is yours if you'd like to talk, Snow," he offered.

"I think I would," she agreed, as she turned back to him.

"But I'll meet you later at Granny's?" she asked. He smiled and kissed her with tender passion.

"I'll see you soon," he promised, as he headed off, while Archie motioned her toward his office. She nodded and started up the stairs, not noticing his predatory gaze on her back, which was very foreign on his face.

~*~

David parked his truck and hopped out, as he joined his father and daughter at the scene.

"What do we have?" he asked.

"One hell of a mystery," Xander answered, as he pulled back the tarp and David looked at the victims. He didn't recognize them, which only meant that they were likely from a realm other than Storybrooke.

"Defensive wounds?" he asked.

"None," Emma answered.

"Then they were probably killed by magic," David deduced.

"That's what I thought too, Dad, but most magic leaves a mark and I'm not sensing any residual magic; at least any kind that I know around them," she replied. His brow furrowed.

"Well, two healthy young people didn't just fall over dead in the woods," David said, as he stood up.

"Bashful is on his way. Maybe he'll be able to find a cause of death when he does the autopsies," Xander said, as the medical van arrived.

"Well...if he doesn't find anything, then we can ask Gold or Regina. They're more experienced in magic than me," Emma replied. He nodded, as the bodies were loaded into the van.

"Let me know when you have something and run their DNA through the new database as soon as possible," David said. Bashful nodded, before getting back into the van.

"Do you think Seth or the Queen did this?" Xander asked, as he noticed the pensive look on his son's face.

"Maybe...they did kill Charlotte La Bouff and her husband Prince Edward, but that was just so they could impersonate them. This doesn't seem like that is the case here," he said.

"We know about them now, so there's no reason to hide," he added.

"I think I miss the days where we just had good old fashioned with evidence and prints. But this scene...it's clean," Xander said.

"Yeah...way too clean. That's what worries me," David replied, with a sigh.

"Well, there's not much more we can do here right now," Xander said, as they taped off the scene.

"Guess we can just head to Granny's now. Your Mom should be about done with her session," he said.

"Session?" Emma asked with concern.

"She's fine...but Archie happened to have an opening and I suggested that she take the opportunity to talk after last night," he replied.

"Yeah...if there was one thing she didn't need, it was having to see that psycho doctor again," Emma agreed.

"Believe me...I hated that she had to do that, but it will be worth if Hyde can reverse engineer that serum and we can re-absorb our darker halves," he said, as they got into his truck and made the short trek back to town, while Xander followed them in the patrol car. He parked near Granny's and they got out, only to see Rodmilla Tremaine barreling toward them, looking haggard and dressed in rags.

"What the hell happened to you?" Emma questioned.

"What happened?" she snapped.

"I'll tell you what happened, you blonde bimbo…" she growled.

"Hey!" David snapped.

"You're not going to talk to my daughter that way," he said.

"Do you have any idea what I've just been through?!" she shouted.

"Well, I did get a call from Joe this morning and I just hadn't gotten the chance to look into your abduction yet," he replied.

"Abduction?" Emma asked.

"Our darker halves absconded with her this morning," he informed.

"They took me against my will!" she snapped.

"Well...you're alive, so it looks like they practiced some restraint," Emma said, as she looked confused by that.

"Which doesn't make much sense. I mean, if there was one person you...or your darker half would want to kill in this town besides the Queen and maybe Seth...I'd pick her," Emma said. He nodded.

"Me too," he agreed.

"Your retch of a wife took everything from me!" Rodmilla claimed.

"Whatever was done to you...it was Winter. Not Snow," David corrected.

"I don't care! I want her to pay for what she did!" Rodmilla snapped.

"So you came to my Dad? Cause you're have a lot of nerve asking him to help you with anything after what you and your psychotic doctor did to my mother," Emma snapped back.

"She has a really good point. They may have kidnapped you, but they obviously returned you and unharmed it would seem. What exactly is it that you want me to do?" David asked.

"Oh, you are just a pretty idiot...aren't you?" she asked in a condescending tone.

"Okay...we're done," David snapped, as he started to walk away.

"She destroyed my house! She turned all my possessions to dust!" Rodmilla claimed, as they turned back.

"Sounds like something for the insurance company to handle then," Emma retorted.

"I have nothing! She turned it all to ash...except my money, which she says she donated to your brat's critter farm and some snot nosed orphans! And I want you to make her give it back!" Rodmilla said.

"Then you need to go down to the station and file a police report. Leroy's on duty and he can take your statement," David replied.

"That's it?! You're going to do nothing about this?!" Rodmilla screamed.

"We're working on a solution to deal with our darker halves. Until then...file the police report and we'll investigate. That's how this works...for everyone, even the rich and powerful like you," David answered.

"Though doesn't sound like you're very rich anymore," Emma commented.

"What am I supposed to do until then?! I have no home!" she cried.

"Well...there's the shelter. They'll take you in...they take everyone," he replied.

"Shelter?" she squeaked.

"But I am Rodmilla Tremaine!" she cried.

"Relax...he said they take everyone, even a rude, self important narcissist like yourself," Emma said, with a fake sweetness in her voice. They turned away and headed to Granny's, leaving the spoiled, evil woman gaping in the street.

"Okay...I know we don't usually celebrate the misfortune of others, but that was fun," Emma said. He chuckled.

"Yeah, it was," he agreed, as David looked across the street at Archie's office.

"You okay?" Emma asked.

"Yeah...just thought your mother would be done by now," David replied.

"I'm sure she'll be along soon. Until then, you can buy your daughter and unborn grandchild some onion rings and hot chocolate," she said, as he chuckled and they went inside.

"I can do that," he agreed.

~*~

His stare on her was hungry and full of wanton malevolence. Being this close to her again made the madness in his mind kick into overdrive. He imagined finally having her...she was so close. He could take her right here and she'd never escape him. He could pin her down on that very couch, rip away every last piece of her clothing, and claim her at last. Her stupid husband might sense her fear, but he'd never make it in time to stop him. He could imagine her screams in his mind and he could almost taste her. No drug or substance could ever be as addictive as she was.

Reading the doctor's notes about her therapy had been quite enlightening. To learn that he had haunted her dreams, even in her cursed state, was quite satisfying to know. It proved that she would never be able to shake him and proved that he was destined to have her. His lustful eyes raked over her form, as she lay prone, baring her soul to the doctor he had invaded for the moment and he relished the vision before him. Unfortunately, the time was not yet right to have her. He couldn't show his hand too soon, as much as he wanted her now and this was a rare time when she was isolated from her idiot husband. But he was a patient man. He would wait and this time, he would have her.

"And then...seeing him again…" she said, trailing off, as she lay on the couch in Archie's office.

"Yes...that must have been quite difficult for you and a bit ill-advised," he said, as she looked at him and sighed.

"I know...but we really needed to find those notes and we did," she replied.

"So...he cooperated?" Archie asked.

"Surprisingly, yes...but I had to promise him something," she replied.

"You promised him something? The man that tormented you? To use your words," he said.

"It's not like it sounds. I told him that I would ask Aphrodite to request that Morpheus ease up on his torment," she replied.

"Ah…" he said.

"I know...bargaining with a madman isn't a good idea," she agreed.

"It was quite unwise. If he had asked for something more...would you have given him what he wanted for those notes?" he inquired. She looked horrified.

"Absolutely not!" she insisted.

"I would never...the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach," he added.

"Of course...I was just making sure that you know that you can't bargain with...the devil. It will never end well for you, Snow," he advised. She nodded.

"I know. But with these notes...we can become whole again," she replied.

"I see...and you believe that is wise?" Archie questioned. She looked at him in confusion and sat up.

"Don't you?" she asked.

"Then you're ready to embrace your darkness?" he questioned and watched her squirm uncomfortably.

"I don't know about that...but Winter is part of me," she replied.

"A part that you push down. A part of you that you hide behind hope speeches and offers of forgiveness," he said, as she looked at him.

"But hope and forgiveness are never wrong," she protested.

"Of course not...but your darker half goes against all that. Are you sure that you are in the right mental state to finally acknowledge that this side of you exists? Are you ready to accept her back and stop pushing her down inside you?" he questioned. She looked uncertain and then down at her hands.

"I...I don't know," she admitted.

"And that's okay. Acceptance will come in time. We all have a dark side and you have no reason to be ashamed of winter," he said.

"I have been ashamed of her, haven't I?" she asked. He smiled kindly.

"It's okay...most of us do not like to admit it when we have bad thoughts or think ill of others, even those that may deserve it," he replied. She nodded.

"Thank you...this really helped I think," she said. He smiled warmly.

"You are most welcome. I do hope we can talk again soon," he said. She nodded.

"I'd like to have another appointment," she agreed.

"How about tomorrow afternoon at three?" he asked. She nodded.

"I'll be here...thanks again," she replied, as she gave him a friendly hug. The demon possessing him at the moment felt his loins light on fire at her close proximity.

"You're most welcome, Snow," he said, as he watched her go. Jekyll's ethereal form left his current host body, with that host being none the wiser of the short invasion and he slithered down the stairs, his eyes boring into her back. He watched her cross the street and enter Granny's diner, before he followed, keeping his head covered by the hood he was wearing and he carefully peered inside the window. He clenched his teeth in anger, as he saw her kissing him, as usual and felt a presence next to him.

"She is quite beautiful...I suppose I see the appeal," Mephisto commented.

"She is the fairest of them all...so much more than beautiful. She has a mind that could challenge even my brilliance and she is strong in many ways," he boasted.

"But my love is unrequited," he said in frustration. Mephisto chuckled.

"I've seen love and what you have isn't love. What he has for her is," he corrected.

"You mock me?" Jekyll hissed.

"Oh yes...you are my charge now, after all. I shall mock you all I please. No, what you have is obsession...an incredibly deep seated obsession and sickness in your mind. You don't love her," he said.

"I could! If she would just let me!" he raged.

"You repulse her...you are one of the few things she is frightened of, but then you enjoy that fear. Which is understandable. Her fear will allow you to control her," Mephisto stated.

"You will soon have her though," he predicted.

"How?" he asked.

"When the time is right...you'll reveal your new existence to her and capture the souls of her children...and her husband. Then in exchange for their release, she will gladly sell her soul to me and be damned to Nephilim forever," he replied.

"You want Snow White's soul?" Jekyll asked.

"A soul that pure and light? Absolutely...and she can be your prize, as long as you keep doing your job. The two souls you captured last night for me is a nice start. But I want the fallen realm filled with the souls of the damned," he replied. He took another look at Snow.

"Then you shall have more souls," Jekyll said, as his eyes drank her in.

"Until tomorrow, my dear Snow. It's time for me to hunt...but soon, it shall be your soul in my grasp and then I shall never let you go," he promised, as he disappeared. Mephisto smirked evilly and cackled, as he disappeared as well.

~*~

As Snow arrived at the diner that evening, she kissed David passionately and he put his arms around her waist.

"Wow...feeling feisty?" he asked and she smiled coyly at him.

"Oh you have no idea...but you will later," she promised, as he kissed her again.

"I'm glad you're feeling okay. I was worried that seeing that psycho would be too much," he replied. She nodded.

"It wasn't pleasant, but it's over now and I have my family, not to mention the most wonderful, loving husband ever," she said, as she rested her head against his shoulder and they heard the diner bell ring.

"Summer!" Carina called, as she arrived with her parents and the two teens became thick as thieves, while Ben and Ari quickly located Bobby.

Rose made a beeline for Snow and the two hugged as well.

"Is it true what I heard? You had to see him?" she asked in a worried tone.

"I did...but I'm okay and Hyde is working on reversing the serum as we speak," Snow replied.

"That's good news," Fandral said, as he gestured to the woman that was with them.

"This is Lady Sif," he introduced, as they shook hands with her.

"It's an honor to meet you...we've heard the stories," David said.

"He's right...and when our grandson Henry gets here, he's going to want to hear them all again," Snow agreed. David chuckled.

"Just a warning…" he joked.

"Not at all...I'd love to tell them all again and thank you for the warm welcome. This place is quite extraordinary," she said, as she continued to talk to Snow and the others, while David pulled Fandral aside.

"Reinforcements?" he inquired. His counterpart nodded.

"The Enchantress is a cunning entity, as is Mephisto for that matter. I don't trust either of them and they're both too quiet for my liking," Fandral said. That pinged his interest.

"Mephisto...does he kill people for their souls?" David asked.

"Usually he finds a lackey to do his dirty work, but yes...he collects souls. Why do you ask?" Fandral responded.

"I found a couple of bodies today. No defensive wounds or obvious cause of death. Bashful is doing autopsies, but my gut is telling me that he's not going to find any conventional means of death," David said.

"If it is Mephisto...there is a way to know," Fandral replied, as he began to explain what he knew about the mysterious entity that boasted to be the Devil himself...

[kenshi-vakarian7]

MERweek2019 - Day 6 - Confessions/Secrets

Event hosted by @cactuarkitty with fanfic prompts by @vorchagirl

Prompt - Relationships are all about confessions … or the things we don’t confess. Go on - tell me a little story about your characters deepest darkest secrets.

This one is about a long-kept secret.

I admit, I’ve been hesitant for a long time to write about this part of my Marc Shepard’s past, mainly because I wasn’t sure how to approach it.  But thanks for tons of research, and @rpgwarrior4824 for providing great material (thank you, my friend!), I feel more confident.  After seeing this prompt, I figured now was the time to go into a little more detail on Marc’s past.

With that, while there are no explicit details except for environmental and psychological descriptions (especially in the paragraphs written in italics)...

Trigger Warning for past severe child abuse.

---

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” ~Carl Jung

“Unbroken”

Commander Marc Shepard jerked upright from his bed, his blue eyes wide with horror as he gasped for breath.  He barely reached for his neck, swearing that he felt nausea burning at the back of his throat.  He found himself in that place between dreaming and awake, but the nightmare that gripped him moments ago was still seared into his mind...

A ten-by-ten room lined with bricks; eleven thousand seven-hundred and sixty-two to be exact. The cold air made him shiver no matter how hard he tried to stay warm.  He was too short to reach the single window, his only indication of whether it was light or dark outside.  At least the rain kept the room from being completely silent.  The thoughts of being confined and trapped with no escape always frightened him.  He was almost certain he would never find the courage to escape. He would have to run away while he was in school, he knew, but the fears and the threats that were instilled in him forced him to bury what bravery he had left...

He was always haunted by memories of the year before; a time when he had a bright future, and knowing how lucky he was to have parents who loved and supported him... only for it all to be taken from him in one night.  The foster system that took him in – and who promised to make sure he was taken care of - failed him within a few short months by sending him to this place.  His trust in people shattered to pieces.  His faith was stolen from him and, with that, the belief in the God his mother loved so dearly.

Intense fear made him shake like a leaf the moment he heard footsteps, followed by the unlocking of the door that held him here.  A sickening dread flooded his soul, and he could only guess what kind of pain he was about to endure...

The nightmare, thankfully, stopped there and Shepard took a deep breath, willing away the images of past memories that still plagued his mind, even nineteen years after his horrific experience in the foster system (and he never, ever called it foster 'care' like most people did...).

Soon after, despite his heart still pounding hard against his chest, Shepard became aware of the soft, cool sheets that gently touched his skin, the warm temperature of his quarters, and the hum of the Normandy's engines... metal hulls instead of brick walls, a much larger room than the ten-by-ten 'cage' he was confined in so long ago...

Shepard buried his face into his hands, taking a moment to calm himself down.  Under his breath, he murmured the same manta he repeated to himself over the years any time his past ordeal came back to haunt him, to help ground himself to the present;

“It was only a dream. It's not real anymore.  You're as safe as any soldier can be.  You escaped.  You're not broken.  It's been over for nineteen years. Your tormentor is long dead.  No one will control or hurt you like that ever again.”

Some nights, he repeated his words over and over until he was too tired to continue.  But tonight, Shepard only had to say them twice.  Though his heart still beat rapidly against his sternum, he didn't feel as panicky as he did when he first woke up.

For the last twenty or so years of his life, Shepard was plagued by bad memories of his past; the death of his parents, his time on the streets and the gang he was forced to join in order to survive, the violence he witnessed at Elysium, leaving Ashley behind on Virmire... Occasionally, he dreamed of his own death over Alchera, but that didn't happen very often despite how recent (in his mind) the event took place.

He was willing to endure any of those memories night after night for the rest of his life if it meant he never dreamed of his time in the foster system ever again...

Dreaming of being back in that room was much less frequent these days, but it had been a constant 'companion' of his as a teenager on the streets.  Back then, Shepard thought that simply freeing himself from his prison would end his torment once and for all.  Instead, he learned the hard way that the kind of trauma he experienced had a way of following him like a shadow no matter how much he tried to escape its grasp.  The nightmares were persistent, certain triggers sent him running, shaking, or screaming at the top of his lungs... and then there was the lingering fear that he would be found by his tormentor someday.  Street life notwithstanding, it made his teen years confusing, emotional, and terrifying.

Falling into melancholy in the present, Shepard quickly reminded himself – before he fell into that dark pit of despair - that he was no longer trapped in that cage.  He was free, he was safe, and he was not broken.

“My father hurt me, but he didn't break me.  As much as he tried to turn me into exactly what he wanted, I'm my own person.”

That was what his XO and lover, Miranda Lawson, said to him after the events surrounding the mission to maintain her sister's safety.  The words resonated with Shepard more than she would ever know.  That day, he nearly told her that he understood (though the piece of shit in question – the one who hurt him - was his foster 'father'), but... how could she know how he understood?  With the exception of his time in the Tenth Street Reds, not a single soul would have knowledge of his past beyond his days in a gang.

He made certain of it a long time ago.

For all the research Miranda claimed she did on Shepard during the Lazarus Project, there were still missing pieces to his past in her eyes.  He kept the remainders a closely guarded secret since the day he started living on the streets...

No one knew about his parents, who loved and cherished him until the day they died – a car accident caused by a sudden snowstorm took their lives while he was spending the night at a friend's house.  No one knew about the terrible abuse he endured during the one year he was in the foster system, nor the day he found the courage to finally run away while he was in school.  No one knew the full story about his six years on the streets, where he bided his time until he joined the Alliance to make a better life for himself on his eighteenth birthday.  Back then, the Alliance was his best chance at a better life.  No one knew that, on the day he enlisted, he changed his original surname to the one now so well-known to the galaxy as a way to start fresh – it was an attempt to bury the past for good, though that hadn't worked as well as he hoped as time went on.

Would Shepard ever tell Miranda any of this?  After twenty years of carrying his secret without ever opening up to anyone, it felt as though talking about it would make things so much more complicated.  He didn't know how, but he had the feeling that it would.  That, and he simply didn't want to open up any of the old wounds that were still barely patched up even after all this time. The nightmares were bad enough as it were...

Speaking of Miranda, Shepard turned his head to the right and saw her next to him.  Lying on her side and facing him, she was sound asleep and undisturbed by his movements.  Her face was relaxed, serene, and it brought a semblance of calm in his heart... and a reminder of how much he loved her.

Shepard wasn't the type to care about someone's looks, but there was no denying the awe he felt over how beautiful she was.  He admired the way her raven locks splayed over the pillow she laid on, how she clutched the sheet covering her breasts with her dainty hand while the other was tucked underneath her head on the pillow.  The soft, blue glow from the fish tank, the only thing illuminating the room, created a ethereal light over her fair skin.

Slowly, Shepard reached a hand out and carefully brushed away a strand of hair that laid across her cheek.  He tucked it back behind her ear before he bent down to press a gentle kiss to her temple.  He then removed the sheet covering him before taking a moment to make sure that she was warm. Once that was done, he pressed his lips to her forehead before he got out of bed and headed to his bathroom on the other side of the cabin.

He always needed to shower after the kind of nightmare he had tonight...

Shepard made sure that the water was at the hottest temperature he could handle before he turned it on.  He was certain that EDI would reprimand him for it later, but he didn't care.  For anyone who served in the Alliance, long hot showers were a rare luxury.

His eyes closed, Shepard leaned his back against the wall.  As the heat rose and steam began to fog the room, his nightmare lingered in his mind and his eyes shut tighter, a weak attempt at willing away the invading visions.

It's not real... it's not real... not anymore...

Shepard wasn't sure how long he was in the shower as he tried to clear his mind.  So far away he was from reality that, when the door to the bathroom eventually opened, he nearly jolted from the noise it made, as light as it was.  At the very least, it was nothing like the sound of the door that once locked him in, so he was able to calm down quickly...

He also didn't have to open his eyes to know that it was Miranda who stood at the door's threshold.  That was definitely a change from years ago, back when he had to see who walked into the room...

“Marc?” she called, and he noticed how her voice was laced with worry. Somehow, it had a calming, peaceful effect on him.  He was almost certain it had a lot to do with the fact that she was calling him by his given name, which she only started to do very recently whenever they were alone together.

Shepard took a deep breath as he raised his head up and opened his eyes to look at her.  “Miri,” he uttered, using the nickname he'd come to love to call her even before they began their relationship.  He frowned as he realized something.  “Sorry, did I wake you?”

“Not until you turned on the shower,” Miranda replied.  She went ahead and stepped into the bathroom, closing the sliding door behind her to keep the cold from getting inside.  “Is everything okay?”

He was afraid she would ask that.

Shepard slowly pushed himself off the wall and moved underneath the shower head to get a full blast of the hot water, which quickly soaked his short black hair.  The whole time, his eyes never left her.  “I'm okay,” he was able to say while gently shaking his head.  He then slightly craned his neck forward and his eyes averted away from her, focusing to the floor.  He felt somewhat ashamed suddenly. 

“Just... dealing with some old memories...” he admitted quietly.

Miranda gradually moved towards him until there was only a few inches of space left between them.  She then reached a hand up to gently cup one side of his face, the tip of her fingers barely caressing the base of his temple.  He closed his eyes and slightly pressed his cheek into her hand, letting his mind focus on that warm, single touch.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she murmured with concern.

Shepard drew in a quiet breath at her words, his emotions attempting to overwhelm him.  Sometimes, in moments like these, it was hard to believe that this was where his life was now...

Nineteen years ago, Shepard thought he would never trust anyone again.  And though he still faced his own struggles – past and present – he somehow found and retained the strength to carry on.  The day he enlisted, he made a promise to offer those any help they needed... because he knew what it was like to not receive help when he needed it most.  And despite no longer having faith, a part of him believed that, somehow, his efforts were rewarded. 

He found good people through his journey and formed lasting friendships with them, or fond memories of those who had come and gone.  He faced his fear of intimacy and became a tender and caring paramour.  He opened his heart to his crew and, though they'll never replace his parents, they became his cherished family.

And recently, at age thirty-one, he fell in love for the first time in his life.

Shepard grasped Miranda's hand - the one that touched his face - with his own before he moved it downward over his jawline and passed his neck until her palm touched his chest... right over where his heart was.  It was not the first time he moved her hand to his heart.  The simple touch helped ground him to the present.  It helped to remind him of all the good things he experienced since those dark days.  It helped to remind him of how much he loved her.

It helped to remind him how far he'd come after all these years.

The past may forever haunt him, but he swore long ago that those dark days would never break him, no matter how hard it tried and no matter how many times it invaded his thoughts.  He'll never let it have the chance to completely consume him.  More importantly, he'll never let his long-dead tormentor win.

Shepard wanted to be truthful with Miranda about his past... but despite his resolve, he wasn't ready to tell her just yet.  Maybe someday, when the Reapers weren't knocking on their door... and if they both survived the inevitable war... perhaps then, he would tell her.

“Believe me when I say that I'd like to talk about it,” he finally breathed as he clutched her hand, his gaze on her never wavering.  “I promise I'll tell you someday.  Just... not now.”

Miranda looked into his eyes and nodded with understanding.  “Okay,” she whispered.

No pushing, no questions... funny how a simple word made Shepard so grateful to her.  It made him love her even more.  Closing his eyes, he pulled Miranda close to him until he was holding her in his arms.  She returned the embrace as his hand gently carded through her hair and he leaned his cheek to the side of her head.

I love you, Miri, Shepard thought as he tenderly pressed his lips to her temple.  Someday, when the time is right, I'll tell you my story.

[aesthetemyg]

Hope Angel

Genre : Angst, fluff and fantasy

Gender : Gender-neutral 

words count : 23K rip

Inspiration : Daydream By Jhope

Summary : Every night you enter a dream reality which you call “Hope World”, you are joined by a man who has been your protector since you were a little. the world “earth” is a cruel place but when you enter your dream dimension everything becomes easier and brighter but what will you do when you learn that it is falling apart?

Authors note : I love Jhope’s new mixtape so much I decided to write this in honor of our lil sunshine. please appreciate him because he worked so hard on this. I hope you like this story I worked hard on it :)

Dreaming is a series of fictional imagines, thoughts and reality that everyone experiences during sleep. Dreaming can be an outlet for hardships it can also encourage creativity. Many ideas have been fabricated by the reality of dreams. Although we have all experienced dreaming, it is an unexplainable phenomenon. Not even the most adept scientists cannot explain why we dream and how.

Most people conclude dreaming as just a thing people experience in their everyday life but not to you. Dreaming to you is not fiction but it is a reality. Each night you fall asleep to a reality that no one could even imagine. You call this dream dimension, ‘Hope World’.

You tried to explain your experience to other people but they dismissed it. They believed you were crazy, you consistently got told it was because you had a vivid imagination or it was a form of lucid dreaming. You knew this wasn’t lucid dreaming.

Lucid dreaming is a term used to describe someone having the ability to control their dream. To be able to lucid dream you need to be aware you are dreaming and after you have achieved this you can control what happens in your dreams reality. However, this doesn’t describe your experience; although you were aware you were in a dream you could not predict nor change the future of this ‘dream’.

You were desperate for more answers, you tried most of your life researching the possibilities or reasons for your dreams but overall none of it was helpful. The only person who understood what you were trying to explain was Hoseok.

Hoseok was the man who has guided you throughout your life almost like a guardian angel. It sounds bizarre to say your best friend is someone who lives within your dreams. The truth is, he was the only person you trusted. He was the only person in this entire universe that brought you happiness and joy.

You lived in a dark world; poverty, war, violence and many other horrid things you are witness too but when you enter Hope World everything seemed more hopeful (hence the name). Everything was more colourful and happy but when you lived in the real world; everything is dull and dark. It used to pain you to face the harsh truth that Earth was the reality and not Hope World. You are surrounded by so much hatred and pain that when you meet with Hoseok every night, everything becomes easier to bare.

As you came home from your low paying office job and walked into your low budget apartment, you sighed. Nothing in your life ever went the way you hoped. As a child, your mother died young which lead your father to become an abusing alcoholic. At school, you were brutally bullied and now as a twenty-four-year-old, you worked at a shitty job because you couldn’t afford to go to a decent college.

The only joy in life is your dreams, Hoseok was the guide to your happiness. As your sloppy night continued, it was finally the time you have been looking forward to. Bedtime.

As you slipped into your warm cosy pyjamas and got snuggling in your worn down mattress it was finally time to close your eyes and sink into the alternative world.

Your nose twitched as you could smell the lovely smell of honey. You open your eyes and see lime green walls surrounding you. As you sit up you witnessed the most beautiful creature you have ever seen. Hoseok. He was sitting beside you with his head in his hands.

He looked up and noticed your staring, his smile was sweet but something seemed out of the ordinary, something didn’t seem right with him. “Hoseok?” You ask, he looked dissociated as he looked towards the distance his eyes looked emotionless.

“Y/N, I have something to show you” he sighs, he still didn’t look at you; worry was taken over your body. Normally… he would greet you with a warming hug.

“Is it something bad?” You asked. You were in desperate need of an answer but instead, he stood up from the comforting white bedding. He reaches his hand out; a simple gesture but seemed so uncanny. Although this was a regular gesture between the both of you, this time, in particular, you felt uncertain. Your thoughts continued to be negative until you looked at Hoseok and saw his desperation; all negative thoughts were put at ease. You connected your hand with him and you felt his warmth against yours.

He drags you out of the single bed and drags to outside the door which leads you to an knowing long hall. A hall which seemed endless with doors after doors. Above the various colourful doors there was a ripped piece of paper with writing on it, you smile remembering all the adventures you experienced. When you were younger you and Hoseok would try and explore each room. Every room would have a different theme.

As you pass the continuous doors you begin to read the names. ‘2D origami’, a room filled with origami and everything is 2D except us. ‘Undersea swim’ a dimension filled fish and multi-coloured water. Passing these doors and remembering all the wonderful adventures brings me so much joy and happiness. Suddenly.. you began to notice you were passing doors that didn’t have writing above it.

“Hobie we have never gone this far before” you state anxiously, Hoseok always warned you to never go far down the hall because it was dangerous.

“Do you trust me?” Hoseok asked he looked at you with hopeful eyes. You were taken back by his statement but as you looked at him right at that moment and saw his beauty; the away his skin sparkled; the way his features were so perfect and pure and the way his eyes were glistening as his eyebrows were crossed; that’s when you knew your answer.

“Yes” You nod and he gave you a smile in response before turning his head back to the direction that you were heading. you kept running for what seemed like centuries, as you continued to run passing door after door you discovered something. The walls started to decay and it was becoming dark and gloomy. You looked to Hoseok for reassurance but he continued to run resulting in your view only being his brown hair. You looked on the other side of your shoulder only to reveal a darkness following you. The floor and walls were falling apart and all the brightness and colours were melting.

“Hoseok! the walls!” You cried out but he wasn’t paying attention. He grabbed your hand tighter and started to run with more speed. Your legs couldn’t take it anymore; they weren’t as fast as Hoseok’s. It began to become too much for you as you began to stumble. Hoseok looked behind him to see why you were pulling at him only to notice your struggling. He looked at you with concerned; before you could even process what he was doing you were clinging to his back for dear life. You could feel his heavy breathing against your body.

“Y/n, you need to stay calm, if you become panicked you will wake up” he explained, which only panicked you more. Before you knew it your world started to go blurry, you started to hear cars and people talking. You knew that you were gaining consciousness. You took a deep breath and sunk deeper into Hoseok back. As you calmed down your breathing your vision started to clear and you couldn’t hear the outside world anymore. “Good y/n, stay with me for a little longer” Hoseok’s encouraging words motivated you.

He stopped suddenly. You look around at your surroundings. There was a red door in your front vision, you look behind you only to witness a white void of emptiness; your world was gone. The only thing that kept you afloat was a little section of the floor Hoseok was stood on.

“Is this the end of the corridor?” You asked. You began to feel fear flow throughout your body. You weren’t sure if you were ready to take this step. You knew nothing of what could be beyond this door or what the purpose of all this was.

“Yes it is,” he said calmly. You held closer to Hoseok back feeling comfort radiating from him.

“Why are we here?” You asked. you were confused why he didn’t warn you. You were wondering why his character changed so drastically, what happened while you were away?

“I heard bad news y/n” he sighed, you saw a tear run down his cheek. Without absorbing your action; you wiped the glistening tear away from his soft delicate skin.

“Bad news?” You asked curiously. Your anxiety started to worsen.

“Let me explain when we enter” he sighs, you begin to feel horror towards what could be waiting for you behind this door. He slowly reaches for the doorknob as he twists the golden knob and creeks open the door your jaw drops.

“It is beautiful” you exclaim, your eyes are met with what seemed to be space; the stars were so bright. It was the most beautiful scene you have ever laid your eyes on.

Hoseok took a deep breath and took a step outside into the entrance. You both started to float into the void, although you were fearful you felt a sense of safety being with Hoseok. You continue to float until you reached a white bed. You began to feel curious about why you are met with a bed.

He placed you on the comfortable surface and he situated himself beside you. He looked sad and hurt, you hadn’t witnessed him this way before. You hugged your knees to your chest waiting for him to speak.

“I made this place for you y/n, I pretended I was oblivious to it all but I’m the reason you are here. I’m what people call an angel. For years my people and I have been warriors for your world and we were the creators of life. Unfortunately, things didn’t go as planned. We created something so advanced; it was our proudest work, humans. They were us without wings and we were so fascinated by them. What we didn’t anticipate is for them to gain so much power and intelligence. You see.. angels are made with love and kindness, ever part of our souls is pure. We couldn’t even imagine creating something that would become evil. We gave humans everything: we gave them our love and gave them privileges we have never given to another creation,” he sighs.

“They took advantage of our kindness and filled it with evil. Most of my friends and family were cut from their wings and the war against angels and humans began. We weren’t born to fight so you could guess they defeated us, only 7 remained. We became the seven angels of the earth but the humans name us the seven deadly sins,”

“We watched them, we watched them lie and kill. We watched them build their islands and fight against each other but we still forgave them. We believed they had to have some pureness in the world. Each time we tried to see the good we would always be greatly disappointed until I met someone”

“I travelled down to earth to say my last goodbye, my fellow angels and i finally decided there was no hope in this world. Until I saw you, you were laughing playing with something so simple which was a stick. When I heard your laugh it was the most beautiful music to my ears” he chuckled to himself, you felt a tear run down your cheek hearing his engaging story.

“You had a magical glow of purity and it was so powerful. I knew from that day my destiny changed, my destiny was to protect you. Protect you from all bad, all evil and self-doubt.”

“So I created ‘Hope World’ a dream reality where we could spend every night. The problem was the more you were here the more I fell in love with you. I feel in love with your positive thinking, I fell in love with your beauty, I fell in love with everything about you. I fell for you y/n and it hurts so much” he started to cry, you pulled him into your chest and hugged him tightly. You cried together until he pulled away from your grasp.

“They found me, the angels found me and they revealed to me that the humans have found out about my connection to you. They will kill you if we stick together so I need to leave, Y/N,” he said and held your hands tightly against his grasp, you looked at him in despair. This was too much to take in, you couldn’t believe you were in this situation.

“H-hoseok, you cant leave me,” you said tears flooding down your eyes. He lifted his hand and wiped the tears from cheeks.

“Don’t worry my love, will meet again, please trust me” hoseok smiled, but his smile was filled with sadness.

“Please, I love you too, please you cant leave now” you plead with his hand against your cheek. He leaned his forehead against yours and you could feel his breath against your skin.

“Look after yourself okay? Quit your job, go back to college and become something. You need to live a long hopeful life. Promise me” he whispered.

“I cant-“

“Please promise me,” he said needy and afraid. You were scared, he admitted he loved you and now he is telling you he is leaving?

“I promise” you give in. Your sight becomes blurry and you begin to feel the world slip away from you. “No! No! Please, i want to stay longer!” You scream feeling yourself fade away.

“Keep your promise and we will see each other again I promise” he shouts but you can no longer see a sight of him. Before you can shout back you wake up on your mattresses filled with sweat and tears.

_______________ 

Do you want a prologue? let me know

I appreciate you all dearly, thank you for reading 

[theretreatcounselingcenter]

Big-T Trauma & Small-t Trauma

Blatant forms of trauma in the family include being subjected to and/or witnessing physical and sexual abuse is considered Big T Trauma. Trauma also occurs in more subtle forms — for example, living with fear on an ongoing basis, such as the fear of not knowing if or when a parent is coming home; or the fear that comes with listening to one’s parents argue night after night; or the fear of not being able to rely on a parent attending a significant event. This type of trauma is called small-t Trauma.To live with chronic fear during the vulnerable childhood and adolescent years — when one is developing beliefs about oneself and the world at large — is traumatic to emotional, psychological and spiritual development.

In addition to the more blatant forms of abuse, these children are often subjected to covert forms of sexual abuse; being called sexual names such as, “whore,” “slut,” or being asked if he or she got “laid” last night and then being laughed at in a humiliating tone; or being exposed to drunken nudity, which often reinforces negative statements to a child about his or her own body. All small-t Trauma.

It is living with ­broken promises, lying and unpredictability — not knowing what will happen next.

With this type of small-t trauma comes a myriad of feelings, such as:

Fear — of being with an under–the-influence driver; of divorce, or no divorce; that someone will get seriously hurt or die.

Sadness — for the parent not showing up; for what the parent said or didn’t say to the child.

Anger — for broken promises; for the message that the parent’s using is more important than the child; that the parent does not try to quit or is not able to quit.

Embarrassment — for outbursts in front of friends; for the unkempt appearance of the parent; for what the parent said or did in public.

Guilt — for thinking that they are responsible for their parents’ behavior; for having negative feelings for someone they are supposed to love.

Confusion — about why this is all happening and who is at fault.

How does trauma affect addiction?

Stress responses and trauma

There are three types of stress: positive, tolerable and toxic.

Positive stress is associated with moderate short-lived physiological responses, such as the stress that comes with meeting new people, handling frustration, coping with parental limit-setting, etc. Positive stress is an important and necessary aspect of healthy development.

Tolerable stress is associated with physiological responses that could actually disrupt brain architecture, but are relieved by supportive relationships, among other protective factors. These are stress situations such as the death or illness of a loved one; a frightening accident; or a natural disaster. Certainly, these types of experiences can have long-term consequences, and they often become traumatic, particularly when coinciding with toxic conditions in childhood, which are traumatic in and of themselves. However, such stresses are emotionally and mentally tolerable when they are time-limited and the child has access to supportive people to provide buffering protection.

Toxic stress, the most threatening, is associated with strong and prolonged activation of the body’s stress management systems in the absence of the buffering protection of support. Toxic stress emerges in the face of loss — conditions of extreme poverty; continuous family chaos; persistent emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse; chronic parental depression; persistent parental substance abuse or other manifestations of addiction; and ongoing emotional or physical neglect. Without the protective factors that allow children the space to disengage, they become trauma victims. Stereotypically, when we think of trauma, what comes to mind are public catastrophic events than can overwhelm an adult. What distinguishes childhood trauma from occurrences like combat stress is simply that the injuries occur to children. “Dear Lord, be good to me,” reads the epigram for the National Children’s Defense Fund. “The sea is so wide and my boat is so small.” A child’s personality and neurology — the little boat he or she must navigate in — are still developing.

When it is not safe psychologically or physically to be the person you are, to own your truth, and what you see and how you feel, then you move into various trauma responses — you fight, you flee or you freeze. Today we know the body cannot tell the difference between an emotional emergency and physical danger. When triggered, it will respond to either situation by pumping out stress chemicals designed to impel someone to flee to safety or stand and fight.

Trauma is an incident or occurrence that happens inexplicably or without warning. It is categorized as an over whelming life-changing experience. It is typically a physical and/or emotional shock to the very fiber of ones’ being.

Trauma presents an imbalance to our emotional or mental system that is far beyond the norm. Plane crash, automobile fatality, sudden or near death experience or major life alterations can all be considered traumatic whether experienced or witnessed. A person’s response can result in intense fear, helplessness or horror.

Though one may have a substance abuse issue before trauma strikes, trauma often paves the way from abuse to addiction.

Everyone has varying degrees of trauma in their life. Depending on the person and their ability to handle traumatic situations, these experiences can range from shock-wave shivers when re-living the incident to an almost out of body experience due to the lack of acceptance from the event.

Similar to depression, trauma can lead to self medication (prescription or otherwise) to numb the pain in an attempt to dilute the reality of the occurrence; which in turn can lead to dependency and/or addiction.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a very real and professional diagnosis categorized under Anxiety Disorders. One has acute PTSD if the duration of symptoms is less than 3 months, and it becomes chronic if over 3 months.

Some of the emotional symptoms associated with PTSD are:

Avoiding conversations associated with the trauma and not dealing with or confronting emotions and feelings.

Avoiding certain people or places that may arouse memories of the incident.

Feeling detached or estranged from society and friends. Interests, hobbies or activities are considered unimportant and not worth any effort to reincorporate into their life.

Difficulty in having or continuing with intimate relationships. This is especially true if a sexual or physical violation upon the person is the reason for the trauma.

Some of the physical symptoms associated with PTSD are:

Difficulty relaxing, or sleeping soundly.

Easily agitated or irritable.

Mercurial behavior or mood swings

Concentration or commitment to a task is short lived.

Trauma should never be taken lightly, but especially if it involves a child. For a youngster, trauma can be anything from bathroom accidents at home or in school to being picked on for something that might catch the amusement of fellow classmates. It does not have to be of such magnitude as listed above, but to a child many events in their formative years become larger than life and therefore traumatic.

Parents frequently deny that their child has experienced any trauma, or they may down play its significance, or simply wish/believe the child is over it.

Regardless of child or adult, if these traumas are not dealt with in their infancy, it can result in unfinished business and could rear its ugly head later in life in the form of addictive behavior. Remember that self medication is an attempt to take away the pain can easily turn into addiction from wounds that turn into scars.

Most present day addiction therapists and researchers believe that trauma is at the root of most addictions. There are two basic types of trauma. The first is developmental trauma. This is where crucial developmental needs are not met or are thwarted so that crucial development does not happen, or happens in a skewed way.

Some examples of thwarted developmental needs include situations where a parent is too repressive, too critical, or too encouraging of an adolescence’s sexuality so that normal sexual development is interfered with and either does not happen, or happens in an unhealthy direction.

The second type of trauma is event trauma or shock trauma. One example of this kind of trauma is sexual abuse, which usually causes a state of traumatic shock within a person. This type of trauma can cause many problems — such as unhealthy sexual development, symptoms of unregulated emotions, or over stimulation of the nervous system to name a few.

This is why an addiction may come into play — because a person tries to use the addiction to “medicate” or handle the state of traumatic shock to better deal with the challenges of life, or move on with development that needs to happen.

When a person has developmental trauma the situation is somewhat different from shock trauma, but this kind of trauma can also lead to an addiction.

To illustrate this I will use an example of a person addicted to masturbation with pornography. A person could get into this type of addiction because their sexual development was derailed during adolescence and they turned to this type of sex at that time, instead of moving towards beginning to be sexual with other peers during adolescence.

Either type of trauma can interfere with healthy sexual development and can lead to sexual addictions (and/or other addictions) in an attempt to cope with the trauma and its symptoms.

The reality is that there is a closer link between addiction and trauma that is often overlooked.

The way I see it, there are at least 3 distinct stages to addiction:

What happens before drug use.

What happens once the drug use begins.

What happens once a person stops using.

Though we often like to pretend otherwise, trauma is a common part of the first stage.

How do we define trauma?

In this context, trauma is any event that affects a person in a way that can be seen to have caused a substantial, long term, psychological disturbance. The key to this way of looking at trauma is its subjective nature.

Things like divorce, bullying, rejection, or physical injury can all be considered traumatic if the subjective experience can be thought to conform to this definition. Anything counts as long as it leaves a painful emotional mark.

While we’re all pretty adapt at covering up such trauma, the emotional pain often needs to be soothed and a good way to soothe it is with drugs that make it temporarily go away. The first drink of alcohol, or hit of some other drug, will often take care of that.

The reality of early trauma and addiction

Some call the experience of covering up the pain of trauma with drugs “self-medication” (though the term also applies to other situations), some dislike the term, but I think the fact remains that often, emotional pain can begin a search that often leads to risky behaviors and drugs.

I’m nowhere near calling self-medication the only reason for drug abuse as some others do, but I think it’s an important factor and one that can’t be ignored. As the stigma of emotional pain, or emotional responding in general, is reduced, people’s ability to deal with such pain in a healthy way should lead to a reduction in seemingly helpful, but ultimately self-destructive behaviors.

The ignored reality about addiction is that it often has an origin in behavior and unfortunately, trauma is often that starting point.

There is a fairly common phenomenon where trauma can lead to addiction and addiction leads back to trauma.

A survivor of trauma is at a significantly greater risk of developing some type of addiction and the reverse is also true.

At The Retreat Counseling Center, all of our licensed therapists are specialized in treating trauma. Please contact us today if you’re looking for help overcoming your own trauma.

[thedivinefish]

TGIMonday and making 2020 the best year so far!

TGIMonday News

This has been an up and down kind of year.  Some of the highest highs and lowest lows. It may have been that way for you as well.  What I do this time of year is find a way to be at peace with my past and all that which cannot be changed.  Reach a place where I feel grounded and secure in this moment and leaning into a favorable 2020 coming up for you, me and all of us as you read this now.  I know that 2020 will be awesome and I am seeing changes for you and yours that will make the year the best one so far.

~ RELEASING THE PAST ~

LIVE CALL JANUARY 8th 

SUPER-CHARGE YOUR ABUNDANCE SWITCHES SPECIAL CALL #2 Wednesday January 8, 2020 .......... 8pm EST | 5pm PST Register for JUST $22 (replay sent via email) https://calendly.com/jmh-calls/supercharging-your-abundance-switches 

Those who register can email your specific request that you would like cleared or downloaded for this supercharged money event call to support@jimmymackhealing.com Note: If you bought the Pkg B or C Special Offer from Darius/You Wealth Revolution and you want to attend LIVE, Go to your download page to use the special Free Registration Link & Passcode for this bonus call  (that will insure the confirmation and reminder emails & texts will be automatically sent to you) Those who can't attend or just want the replay can look to their email or the download page a day or two after the event to see the video posted there. >> Go here to purchase the Dec. 8th call replay.

Fish Food 

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell The Fish: 365 Daily Inspirations & Affirmations

DECEMBER 30th "Today I will move through my day one moment at a time, one foot in front of the other.  I will remember that Rome was not built in a day and that sometimes a little planning can stave off disaster.  I will persist and I will be victorious!" 

From the Fish Box

"Happy Hols to you! I just wanted to say a big thank you for being a part of this year for me. The first time I experienced your work was on Darius’s telesummit. Having been in the healing world for some time that was the first time I’ve heard of you. I burned my hand incredibly badly lifting a pan that I had forgotten had just been under the broiler. Although applying the appropriate home remedies, my fingers and palm looked like something from a horror film. I was going into shock too. I don’t do doctors or hospitals so that wasn’t an option. I have healed myself many times with the help of telesummit healers, and had intended to listen to your replay so got in bed and did so. I listened to the whole thing through several times throughout the night, changing my ice pack. I just kept wondering how I could walk my dog the next day, drive the car or move my luggage the day after, but also knew that I could heal myself especially with your help. The next morning my hand was painful but no blisters at all! That day I listened to all of your YouTube videos. My hand was completely fine, although I can still feel it when I recount the story which has diminished over time but was the main reason that I took so long in letting you know. The second experience I had through your work was when Darius posted your healing dark forces audio to promote your package. I did the healing meditation and included my mother, and stepfather (who is disabled) in my meditation intention. I received benefits myself. Several days later after forgetting about it all, I spoke to my mother on the phone and she said that my stepfather had taken a walk with her that they loved but he hadn’t been able to do in years. I never mentioned your healing.  Wishing you all the best."  - Lila K.

FREE Weekly LIVE Healings and Messages

EVERY TUESDAY at 9pm EST - JIMMY MACK HEALING SHOW 

** NEW CALL NUMBER, NEW LINK ** CALL (206) 806-9965 https://www.freeconferencecall.com/wall/goldylocksproductions

Click Here for Last Week's Show and a full archive of past guests & replays.   UPCOMING GUESTS: No shows on December 24th or 31st

UPCOMING GUESTS FOR JANUARY:

Jan 7th – Psychic Joanne Leo, Numerology and Astrology http://psychicjoanneleo.com

Jan 14th – Ayla Murray, Astrology and FAST accurate readings https://www.facebook.com/TheMagickOrchard/

Jan 21st- Jeremy Riden, Intuitive and guidance through life coaching and inspiration https://www.facebook.com/JeremyRiden/

Jan 28th – Rev Debbie Dienstbier, Transmedium, communications with those in heaven.  Awesome readings https://www.facebook.com/Wings-of-Grace-Spiritual-Center-875388225837766/

The Jimmy Mack Healing Show is LIVE on Tuesday Nights at 9pm EST  If you want to Listen in only, go to this website: https://www.freeconferencecall.com/wall/goldylocksproductions OR If you want to call in & ask a question CALL (206) 806-9965 No need to press #1, just dial in and you'll be in the queue. If the Call in Number above doesn’t seem to work, please use this back up Call in Number: (425) 535-9149 when prompted, enter 206.806.9965 followed by #  International Callers, click the link below for the International call in list for your country.  If you're using the Free Conference Call App, it automatically re-routes the best call In number for you.  Please unblock your phone number if you wish to speak with Jimmy and or his guest host. Blocked, Restricted and Private Callers are not brought on air.

Sessions at the Tampa Office 

SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH CENTER TAMPA Monday January 6th 2020 from 10am-5pm I'll be offering sessions at Dr. Charla Tempone’s NEW office at Swann Holistic Health Solutions at: 1000 W Kennedy #200 | Tampa, FL Please call their office directly at (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes 38$  / 30-minutes 68$  http://www.ctholisticsolutions.com SEE ME AT KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS TAMPA

I'm scheduling 15 and 30 minute appointments at Kodawari Yoga Studios from 10am-2pm EVERY FRIDAY. UPCOMING DATES 

January 10th January 17th January 24th January 31st Call Kodawari's front desk directly to schedule (813) 773-4017 and pay at the concierge desk... 15 minutes 38$ or 30 minutes 68$. 3965 Henderson Blvd Suite C Tampa (813) 773-4017 http://www.kodawariyoga.com/

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

You will send me a list of the members of your immediate household, and yes even pets, and I will add them to my daily prayers. I will arise daily before you are even awake to start my prayers and also run my intelligent computer software 24/7 deleting the negative and increasing the strength of the positive creating a higher probability of outcomes for you and the family.  Each comes with a one-time email analysis print out via the intelligent healing software that I use on your behalf.  Most clients have had amazing results and outcomes and I get emails of thanks each and every week!

I will dial into you daily in the wee hours and make certain that you are a CLEAR YES, UNCLEAR to NO and RUNNING FORWARD before you start your day.

                     Choose 7 days @$33              Choose 14 days @$66           Choose 30 days @$99

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! All Mastery Students:  Check your email & Login to view all the newly upgraded content including new books and audios!    

"Jimmy's My Liquid Fish Change Made Simple program is AMAZING!!! He gives you not only videos so you can see the changes within people, but also the books he's written as well! On top of that he's provided all the links and visuals you need so ANY type of learner can do it!!  I appreciated having it to download in a PDF so I can go back to it any time, plus the books and ACTUAL healing sessions so you see, know and understand the whole process even better!!Highly recommend to ANYONE looking to change and make not only their life... but everyone's around them better as well!!" - E.J. / Florida

The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session! This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary! It includes The Tackle Box & The Dowser's Handbook ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results. This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.

LEARN MORE HERE

For those who aren't familiar, here's the list of the MyBeliefWorks™ audio library. 

Find a topic that addresses your issue(s), click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better. Don't forget... you can share these with you immediate friends and family.

Abundance Abuse Addiction Body Scan: Head to Toe Daily GPS Reset Dark Energies/Fears Decision Making Diet & Exercise Education & Learning Family & Relatives The Gold Coin Healing Physical Body Healing Mental Stress Holiday Stress

Increasing Intuition IRS & Tax Time Love & Romance Money Mindset Moving Forward Pain Relief Pet Healing Sales & Success Improving Sex Improving Sleep Traveling w/Ease Work & Career Weight Loss Youth & Vitality

TGIFunny

Share

Tweet

Forward

Pinterest

Jimmy Mack | Appointments Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA Book a 15 minute session Book a 30 minute session Book a 60 minute session ​ ​​Transformational Healing of Body, Mind​ & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations!​ ​ Download the My Liquid Fish® Starter Kit (*Updated May 2019) Audio MP3 Downloads​ and books​ to improve your life! Get Certified in ​My Liquid Fish® Change Made Simple® Watch Free Videos on YouTube Weekly Radio Show Archives Shop for ​Supplements ​ http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com www.jimmymackhealing.com Copyright ©1998-2019 All Rights Reserved  

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com  

Stay connected!

  Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

[divinefishingtips]

TGIMonday and making 2020 the best year so far!

TGIMonday News

This has been an up and down kind of year.  Some of the highest highs and lowest lows. It may have been that way for you as well.  What I do this time of year is find a way to be at peace with my past and all that which cannot be changed.  Reach a place where I feel grounded and secure in this moment and leaning into a favorable 2020 coming up for you, me and all of us as you read this now.  I know that 2020 will be awesome and I am seeing changes for you and yours that will make the year the best one so far.

~ RELEASING THE PAST ~

LIVE CALL JANUARY 8th 

SUPER-CHARGE YOUR ABUNDANCE SWITCHES SPECIAL CALL #2 Wednesday January 8, 2020 .......... 8pm EST | 5pm PST Register for JUST $22 (replay sent via email) https://calendly.com/jmh-calls/supercharging-your-abundance-switches 

Those who register can email your specific request that you would like cleared or downloaded for this supercharged money event call to support@jimmymackhealing.com Note: If you bought the Pkg B or C Special Offer from Darius/You Wealth Revolution and you want to attend LIVE, Go to your download page to use the special Free Registration Link & Passcode for this bonus call  (that will insure the confirmation and reminder emails & texts will be automatically sent to you) Those who can't attend or just want the replay can look to their email or the download page a day or two after the event to see the video posted there. >> Go here to purchase the Dec. 8th call replay.

Fish Food 

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell The Fish: 365 Daily Inspirations & Affirmations

DECEMBER 30th "Today I will move through my day one moment at a time, one foot in front of the other.  I will remember that Rome was not built in a day and that sometimes a little planning can stave off disaster.  I will persist and I will be victorious!" 

From the Fish Box

"Happy Hols to you! I just wanted to say a big thank you for being a part of this year for me. The first time I experienced your work was on Darius’s telesummit. Having been in the healing world for some time that was the first time I’ve heard of you. I burned my hand incredibly badly lifting a pan that I had forgotten had just been under the broiler. Although applying the appropriate home remedies, my fingers and palm looked like something from a horror film. I was going into shock too. I don’t do doctors or hospitals so that wasn’t an option. I have healed myself many times with the help of telesummit healers, and had intended to listen to your replay so got in bed and did so. I listened to the whole thing through several times throughout the night, changing my ice pack. I just kept wondering how I could walk my dog the next day, drive the car or move my luggage the day after, but also knew that I could heal myself especially with your help. The next morning my hand was painful but no blisters at all! That day I listened to all of your YouTube videos. My hand was completely fine, although I can still feel it when I recount the story which has diminished over time but was the main reason that I took so long in letting you know. The second experience I had through your work was when Darius posted your healing dark forces audio to promote your package. I did the healing meditation and included my mother, and stepfather (who is disabled) in my meditation intention. I received benefits myself. Several days later after forgetting about it all, I spoke to my mother on the phone and she said that my stepfather had taken a walk with her that they loved but he hadn’t been able to do in years. I never mentioned your healing.  Wishing you all the best."  - Lila K.

FREE Weekly LIVE Healings and Messages

EVERY TUESDAY at 9pm EST - JIMMY MACK HEALING SHOW 

** NEW CALL NUMBER, NEW LINK ** CALL (206) 806-9965 https://www.freeconferencecall.com/wall/goldylocksproductions

Click Here for Last Week's Show and a full archive of past guests & replays.   UPCOMING GUESTS: No shows on December 24th or 31st

UPCOMING GUESTS FOR JANUARY:

Jan 7th – Psychic Joanne Leo, Numerology and Astrology http://psychicjoanneleo.com

Jan 14th – Ayla Murray, Astrology and FAST accurate readings https://www.facebook.com/TheMagickOrchard/

Jan 21st- Jeremy Riden, Intuitive and guidance through life coaching and inspiration https://www.facebook.com/JeremyRiden/

Jan 28th – Rev Debbie Dienstbier, Transmedium, communications with those in heaven.  Awesome readings https://www.facebook.com/Wings-of-Grace-Spiritual-Center-875388225837766/

The Jimmy Mack Healing Show is LIVE on Tuesday Nights at 9pm EST  If you want to Listen in only, go to this website: https://www.freeconferencecall.com/wall/goldylocksproductions OR If you want to call in & ask a question CALL (206) 806-9965 No need to press #1, just dial in and you'll be in the queue. If the Call in Number above doesn’t seem to work, please use this back up Call in Number: (425) 535-9149 when prompted, enter 206.806.9965 followed by #  International Callers, click the link below for the International call in list for your country.  If you're using the Free Conference Call App, it automatically re-routes the best call In number for you.  Please unblock your phone number if you wish to speak with Jimmy and or his guest host. Blocked, Restricted and Private Callers are not brought on air.

Sessions at the Tampa Office 

SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH CENTER TAMPA Monday January 6th 2020 from 10am-5pm I'll be offering sessions at Dr. Charla Tempone’s NEW office at Swann Holistic Health Solutions at: 1000 W Kennedy #200 | Tampa, FL Please call their office directly at (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes 38$  / 30-minutes 68$  http://www.ctholisticsolutions.com SEE ME AT KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS TAMPA

I'm scheduling 15 and 30 minute appointments at Kodawari Yoga Studios from 10am-2pm EVERY FRIDAY. UPCOMING DATES 

January 10th January 17th January 24th January 31st Call Kodawari's front desk directly to schedule (813) 773-4017 and pay at the concierge desk... 15 minutes 38$ or 30 minutes 68$. 3965 Henderson Blvd Suite C Tampa (813) 773-4017 http://www.kodawariyoga.com/

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

You will send me a list of the members of your immediate household, and yes even pets, and I will add them to my daily prayers. I will arise daily before you are even awake to start my prayers and also run my intelligent computer software 24/7 deleting the negative and increasing the strength of the positive creating a higher probability of outcomes for you and the family.  Each comes with a one-time email analysis print out via the intelligent healing software that I use on your behalf.  Most clients have had amazing results and outcomes and I get emails of thanks each and every week!

I will dial into you daily in the wee hours and make certain that you are a CLEAR YES, UNCLEAR to NO and RUNNING FORWARD before you start your day.

                     Choose 7 days @$33              Choose 14 days @$66           Choose 30 days @$99

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! All Mastery Students:  Check your email & Login to view all the newly upgraded content including new books and audios!    

"Jimmy's My Liquid Fish Change Made Simple program is AMAZING!!! He gives you not only videos so you can see the changes within people, but also the books he's written as well! On top of that he's provided all the links and visuals you need so ANY type of learner can do it!!  I appreciated having it to download in a PDF so I can go back to it any time, plus the books and ACTUAL healing sessions so you see, know and understand the whole process even better!!Highly recommend to ANYONE looking to change and make not only their life... but everyone's around them better as well!!" - E.J. / Florida

The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session! This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary! It includes The Tackle Box & The Dowser's Handbook ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results. This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.

LEARN MORE HERE

For those who aren't familiar, here's the list of the MyBeliefWorks™ audio library. 

Find a topic that addresses your issue(s), click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better. Don't forget... you can share these with you immediate friends and family.

Abundance Abuse Addiction Body Scan: Head to Toe Daily GPS Reset Dark Energies/Fears Decision Making Diet & Exercise Education & Learning Family & Relatives The Gold Coin Healing Physical Body Healing Mental Stress Holiday Stress

Increasing Intuition IRS & Tax Time Love & Romance Money Mindset Moving Forward Pain Relief Pet Healing Sales & Success Improving Sex Improving Sleep Traveling w/Ease Work & Career Weight Loss Youth & Vitality

TGIFunny

Share

Tweet

Forward

Pinterest

Jimmy Mack | Appointments Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA Book a 15 minute session Book a 30 minute session Book a 60 minute session ​ ​​Transformational Healing of Body, Mind​ & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations!​ ​ Download the My Liquid Fish® Starter Kit (*Updated May 2019) Audio MP3 Downloads​ and books​ to improve your life! Get Certified in ​My Liquid Fish® Change Made Simple® Watch Free Videos on YouTube Weekly Radio Show Archives Shop for ​Supplements ​ http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com www.jimmymackhealing.com Copyright ©1998-2019 All Rights Reserved  

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com  

Stay connected!

  Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

[365dailyaffirmations]

TGIMonday and making 2020 the best year so far!

TGIMonday News

This has been an up and down kind of year.  Some of the highest highs and lowest lows. It may have been that way for you as well.  What I do this time of year is find a way to be at peace with my past and all that which cannot be changed.  Reach a place where I feel grounded and secure in this moment and leaning into a favorable 2020 coming up for you, me and all of us as you read this now.  I know that 2020 will be awesome and I am seeing changes for you and yours that will make the year the best one so far.

~ RELEASING THE PAST ~

LIVE CALL JANUARY 8th 

SUPER-CHARGE YOUR ABUNDANCE SWITCHES SPECIAL CALL #2 Wednesday January 8, 2020 .......... 8pm EST | 5pm PST Register for JUST $22 (replay sent via email) https://calendly.com/jmh-calls/supercharging-your-abundance-switches 

Those who register can email your specific request that you would like cleared or downloaded for this supercharged money event call to support@jimmymackhealing.com Note: If you bought the Pkg B or C Special Offer from Darius/You Wealth Revolution and you want to attend LIVE, Go to your download page to use the special Free Registration Link & Passcode for this bonus call  (that will insure the confirmation and reminder emails & texts will be automatically sent to you) Those who can't attend or just want the replay can look to their email or the download page a day or two after the event to see the video posted there. >> Go here to purchase the Dec. 8th call replay.

Fish Food 

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell The Fish: 365 Daily Inspirations & Affirmations

DECEMBER 30th "Today I will move through my day one moment at a time, one foot in front of the other.  I will remember that Rome was not built in a day and that sometimes a little planning can stave off disaster.  I will persist and I will be victorious!" 

From the Fish Box

"Happy Hols to you! I just wanted to say a big thank you for being a part of this year for me. The first time I experienced your work was on Darius’s telesummit. Having been in the healing world for some time that was the first time I’ve heard of you. I burned my hand incredibly badly lifting a pan that I had forgotten had just been under the broiler. Although applying the appropriate home remedies, my fingers and palm looked like something from a horror film. I was going into shock too. I don’t do doctors or hospitals so that wasn’t an option. I have healed myself many times with the help of telesummit healers, and had intended to listen to your replay so got in bed and did so. I listened to the whole thing through several times throughout the night, changing my ice pack. I just kept wondering how I could walk my dog the next day, drive the car or move my luggage the day after, but also knew that I could heal myself especially with your help. The next morning my hand was painful but no blisters at all! That day I listened to all of your YouTube videos. My hand was completely fine, although I can still feel it when I recount the story which has diminished over time but was the main reason that I took so long in letting you know. The second experience I had through your work was when Darius posted your healing dark forces audio to promote your package. I did the healing meditation and included my mother, and stepfather (who is disabled) in my meditation intention. I received benefits myself. Several days later after forgetting about it all, I spoke to my mother on the phone and she said that my stepfather had taken a walk with her that they loved but he hadn’t been able to do in years. I never mentioned your healing.  Wishing you all the best."  - Lila K.

FREE Weekly LIVE Healings and Messages

EVERY TUESDAY at 9pm EST - JIMMY MACK HEALING SHOW 

** NEW CALL NUMBER, NEW LINK ** CALL (206) 806-9965 https://www.freeconferencecall.com/wall/goldylocksproductions

Click Here for Last Week's Show and a full archive of past guests & replays.   UPCOMING GUESTS: No shows on December 24th or 31st

UPCOMING GUESTS FOR JANUARY:

Jan 7th – Psychic Joanne Leo, Numerology and Astrology http://psychicjoanneleo.com

Jan 14th – Ayla Murray, Astrology and FAST accurate readings https://www.facebook.com/TheMagickOrchard/

Jan 21st- Jeremy Riden, Intuitive and guidance through life coaching and inspiration https://www.facebook.com/JeremyRiden/

Jan 28th – Rev Debbie Dienstbier, Transmedium, communications with those in heaven.  Awesome readings https://www.facebook.com/Wings-of-Grace-Spiritual-Center-875388225837766/

The Jimmy Mack Healing Show is LIVE on Tuesday Nights at 9pm EST  If you want to Listen in only, go to this website: https://www.freeconferencecall.com/wall/goldylocksproductions OR If you want to call in & ask a question CALL (206) 806-9965 No need to press #1, just dial in and you'll be in the queue. If the Call in Number above doesn’t seem to work, please use this back up Call in Number: (425) 535-9149 when prompted, enter 206.806.9965 followed by #  International Callers, click the link below for the International call in list for your country.  If you're using the Free Conference Call App, it automatically re-routes the best call In number for you.  Please unblock your phone number if you wish to speak with Jimmy and or his guest host. Blocked, Restricted and Private Callers are not brought on air.

Sessions at the Tampa Office 

SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH CENTER TAMPA Monday January 6th 2020 from 10am-5pm I'll be offering sessions at Dr. Charla Tempone’s NEW office at Swann Holistic Health Solutions at: 1000 W Kennedy #200 | Tampa, FL Please call their office directly at (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes 38$  / 30-minutes 68$  http://www.ctholisticsolutions.com SEE ME AT KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS TAMPA

I'm scheduling 15 and 30 minute appointments at Kodawari Yoga Studios from 10am-2pm EVERY FRIDAY. UPCOMING DATES 

January 10th January 17th January 24th January 31st Call Kodawari's front desk directly to schedule (813) 773-4017 and pay at the concierge desk... 15 minutes 38$ or 30 minutes 68$. 3965 Henderson Blvd Suite C Tampa (813) 773-4017 http://www.kodawariyoga.com/

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

You will send me a list of the members of your immediate household, and yes even pets, and I will add them to my daily prayers. I will arise daily before you are even awake to start my prayers and also run my intelligent computer software 24/7 deleting the negative and increasing the strength of the positive creating a higher probability of outcomes for you and the family.  Each comes with a one-time email analysis print out via the intelligent healing software that I use on your behalf.  Most clients have had amazing results and outcomes and I get emails of thanks each and every week!

I will dial into you daily in the wee hours and make certain that you are a CLEAR YES, UNCLEAR to NO and RUNNING FORWARD before you start your day.

                     Choose 7 days @$33              Choose 14 days @$66           Choose 30 days @$99

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! All Mastery Students:  Check your email & Login to view all the newly upgraded content including new books and audios!    

"Jimmy's My Liquid Fish Change Made Simple program is AMAZING!!! He gives you not only videos so you can see the changes within people, but also the books he's written as well! On top of that he's provided all the links and visuals you need so ANY type of learner can do it!!  I appreciated having it to download in a PDF so I can go back to it any time, plus the books and ACTUAL healing sessions so you see, know and understand the whole process even better!!Highly recommend to ANYONE looking to change and make not only their life... but everyone's around them better as well!!" - E.J. / Florida

The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session! This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary! It includes The Tackle Box & The Dowser's Handbook ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results. This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.

LEARN MORE HERE

For those who aren't familiar, here's the list of the MyBeliefWorks™ audio library. 

Find a topic that addresses your issue(s), click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better. Don't forget... you can share these with you immediate friends and family.

Abundance Abuse Addiction Body Scan: Head to Toe Daily GPS Reset Dark Energies/Fears Decision Making Diet & Exercise Education & Learning Family & Relatives The Gold Coin Healing Physical Body Healing Mental Stress Holiday Stress

Increasing Intuition IRS & Tax Time Love & Romance Money Mindset Moving Forward Pain Relief Pet Healing Sales & Success Improving Sex Improving Sleep Traveling w/Ease Work & Career Weight Loss Youth & Vitality

TGIFunny

Share

Tweet

Forward

Pinterest

Jimmy Mack | Appointments Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA Book a 15 minute session Book a 30 minute session Book a 60 minute session ​ ​​Transformational Healing of Body, Mind​ & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations!​ ​ Download the My Liquid Fish® Starter Kit (*Updated May 2019) Audio MP3 Downloads​ and books​ to improve your life! Get Certified in ​My Liquid Fish® Change Made Simple® Watch Free Videos on YouTube Weekly Radio Show Archives Shop for ​Supplements ​ http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com www.jimmymackhealing.com Copyright ©1998-2019 All Rights Reserved  

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com  

Stay connected!

  Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

[advancedthetapractitioner]

TGIMonday and making 2020 the best year so far!

TGIMonday News

This has been an up and down kind of year.  Some of the highest highs and lowest lows. It may have been that way for you as well.  What I do this time of year is find a way to be at peace with my past and all that which cannot be changed.  Reach a place where I feel grounded and secure in this moment and leaning into a favorable 2020 coming up for you, me and all of us as you read this now.  I know that 2020 will be awesome and I am seeing changes for you and yours that will make the year the best one so far.

~ RELEASING THE PAST ~

LIVE CALL JANUARY 8th 

SUPER-CHARGE YOUR ABUNDANCE SWITCHES SPECIAL CALL #2 Wednesday January 8, 2020 .......... 8pm EST | 5pm PST Register for JUST $22 (replay sent via email) https://calendly.com/jmh-calls/supercharging-your-abundance-switches 

Those who register can email your specific request that you would like cleared or downloaded for this supercharged money event call to support@jimmymackhealing.com Note: If you bought the Pkg B or C Special Offer from Darius/You Wealth Revolution and you want to attend LIVE, Go to your download page to use the special Free Registration Link & Passcode for this bonus call  (that will insure the confirmation and reminder emails & texts will be automatically sent to you) Those who can't attend or just want the replay can look to their email or the download page a day or two after the event to see the video posted there. >> Go here to purchase the Dec. 8th call replay.

Fish Food 

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell The Fish: 365 Daily Inspirations & Affirmations

DECEMBER 30th "Today I will move through my day one moment at a time, one foot in front of the other.  I will remember that Rome was not built in a day and that sometimes a little planning can stave off disaster.  I will persist and I will be victorious!" 

From the Fish Box

"Happy Hols to you! I just wanted to say a big thank you for being a part of this year for me. The first time I experienced your work was on Darius’s telesummit. Having been in the healing world for some time that was the first time I’ve heard of you. I burned my hand incredibly badly lifting a pan that I had forgotten had just been under the broiler. Although applying the appropriate home remedies, my fingers and palm looked like something from a horror film. I was going into shock too. I don’t do doctors or hospitals so that wasn’t an option. I have healed myself many times with the help of telesummit healers, and had intended to listen to your replay so got in bed and did so. I listened to the whole thing through several times throughout the night, changing my ice pack. I just kept wondering how I could walk my dog the next day, drive the car or move my luggage the day after, but also knew that I could heal myself especially with your help. The next morning my hand was painful but no blisters at all! That day I listened to all of your YouTube videos. My hand was completely fine, although I can still feel it when I recount the story which has diminished over time but was the main reason that I took so long in letting you know. The second experience I had through your work was when Darius posted your healing dark forces audio to promote your package. I did the healing meditation and included my mother, and stepfather (who is disabled) in my meditation intention. I received benefits myself. Several days later after forgetting about it all, I spoke to my mother on the phone and she said that my stepfather had taken a walk with her that they loved but he hadn’t been able to do in years. I never mentioned your healing.  Wishing you all the best."  - Lila K.

FREE Weekly LIVE Healings and Messages

EVERY TUESDAY at 9pm EST - JIMMY MACK HEALING SHOW 

** NEW CALL NUMBER, NEW LINK ** CALL (206) 806-9965 https://www.freeconferencecall.com/wall/goldylocksproductions

Click Here for Last Week's Show and a full archive of past guests & replays.   UPCOMING GUESTS: No shows on December 24th or 31st

UPCOMING GUESTS FOR JANUARY:

Jan 7th – Psychic Joanne Leo, Numerology and Astrology http://psychicjoanneleo.com

Jan 14th – Ayla Murray, Astrology and FAST accurate readings https://www.facebook.com/TheMagickOrchard/

Jan 21st- Jeremy Riden, Intuitive and guidance through life coaching and inspiration https://www.facebook.com/JeremyRiden/

Jan 28th – Rev Debbie Dienstbier, Transmedium, communications with those in heaven.  Awesome readings https://www.facebook.com/Wings-of-Grace-Spiritual-Center-875388225837766/

The Jimmy Mack Healing Show is LIVE on Tuesday Nights at 9pm EST  If you want to Listen in only, go to this website: https://www.freeconferencecall.com/wall/goldylocksproductions OR If you want to call in & ask a question CALL (206) 806-9965 No need to press #1, just dial in and you'll be in the queue. If the Call in Number above doesn’t seem to work, please use this back up Call in Number: (425) 535-9149 when prompted, enter 206.806.9965 followed by #  International Callers, click the link below for the International call in list for your country.  If you're using the Free Conference Call App, it automatically re-routes the best call In number for you.  Please unblock your phone number if you wish to speak with Jimmy and or his guest host. Blocked, Restricted and Private Callers are not brought on air.

Sessions at the Tampa Office 

SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH CENTER TAMPA Monday January 6th 2020 from 10am-5pm I'll be offering sessions at Dr. Charla Tempone’s NEW office at Swann Holistic Health Solutions at: 1000 W Kennedy #200 | Tampa, FL Please call their office directly at (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes 38$  / 30-minutes 68$  http://www.ctholisticsolutions.com SEE ME AT KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS TAMPA

I'm scheduling 15 and 30 minute appointments at Kodawari Yoga Studios from 10am-2pm EVERY FRIDAY. UPCOMING DATES 

January 10th January 17th January 24th January 31st Call Kodawari's front desk directly to schedule (813) 773-4017 and pay at the concierge desk... 15 minutes 38$ or 30 minutes 68$. 3965 Henderson Blvd Suite C Tampa (813) 773-4017 http://www.kodawariyoga.com/

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

You will send me a list of the members of your immediate household, and yes even pets, and I will add them to my daily prayers. I will arise daily before you are even awake to start my prayers and also run my intelligent computer software 24/7 deleting the negative and increasing the strength of the positive creating a higher probability of outcomes for you and the family.  Each comes with a one-time email analysis print out via the intelligent healing software that I use on your behalf.  Most clients have had amazing results and outcomes and I get emails of thanks each and every week!

I will dial into you daily in the wee hours and make certain that you are a CLEAR YES, UNCLEAR to NO and RUNNING FORWARD before you start your day.

                     Choose 7 days @$33              Choose 14 days @$66           Choose 30 days @$99

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! All Mastery Students:  Check your email & Login to view all the newly upgraded content including new books and audios!    

"Jimmy's My Liquid Fish Change Made Simple program is AMAZING!!! He gives you not only videos so you can see the changes within people, but also the books he's written as well! On top of that he's provided all the links and visuals you need so ANY type of learner can do it!!  I appreciated having it to download in a PDF so I can go back to it any time, plus the books and ACTUAL healing sessions so you see, know and understand the whole process even better!!Highly recommend to ANYONE looking to change and make not only their life... but everyone's around them better as well!!" - E.J. / Florida

The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session! This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary! It includes The Tackle Box & The Dowser's Handbook ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results. This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.

LEARN MORE HERE

For those who aren't familiar, here's the list of the MyBeliefWorks™ audio library. 

Find a topic that addresses your issue(s), click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better. Don't forget... you can share these with you immediate friends and family.

Abundance Abuse Addiction Body Scan: Head to Toe Daily GPS Reset Dark Energies/Fears Decision Making Diet & Exercise Education & Learning Family & Relatives The Gold Coin Healing Physical Body Healing Mental Stress Holiday Stress

Increasing Intuition IRS & Tax Time Love & Romance Money Mindset Moving Forward Pain Relief Pet Healing Sales & Success Improving Sex Improving Sleep Traveling w/Ease Work & Career Weight Loss Youth & Vitality

TGIFunny

Share

Tweet

Forward

Pinterest

Jimmy Mack | Appointments Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA Book a 15 minute session Book a 30 minute session Book a 60 minute session ​ ​​Transformational Healing of Body, Mind​ & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations!​ ​ Download the My Liquid Fish® Starter Kit (*Updated May 2019) Audio MP3 Downloads​ and books​ to improve your life! Get Certified in ​My Liquid Fish® Change Made Simple® Watch Free Videos on YouTube Weekly Radio Show Archives Shop for ​Supplements ​ http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com www.jimmymackhealing.com Copyright ©1998-2019 All Rights Reserved  

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com  

Stay connected!

  Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

[timclymer]

Journals, Journals, Journals

Sharing the personal benefits experienced from keeping a journal or diary is a wonderful way to see how someone else has used the power of journaling. Reading about someone’s journaling experience reveals what journaling has meant to them. What it has provided. What they have learned about themselves or the world that surrounds them.

My mom started keeping a journal in her eighties. After two years of journaling she announced she was done. As she handed me her journal, giving it to me, she asked me to read a few pages to her. I smiled to myself as I read what she had written. She had journaled what she wore that day, what she ate and what she won at bingo. That was so much like my mom. She had journaled what was important to her.

Your journal is the place where you express and record what is important to you. Many people have told me about their journals. Here are a few ideas of what was important to them to journal:

One man uses journaling to control his physical pain.

A woman who wants to be a comedian writes a joke a day.

A friend tracks every penny he spends.

A pregnant mom wrote to her baby everyday starting in her womb.

I have heard from abused women who journaled their way out of the abuse.

Some write letters, poetry, or on a calendar.

Others keep a prayer, dream, purpose or intention journal.

Many track and record what happened that day.

I asked subscribers to my column, About Journaling, if they would share what journaling has meant to them. Here is what they said:

“Greetings Doreene, Thank you for inviting me to share my journaling experience. First of all, journaling to me has been one of those things I admire about other people who seem to naturally have a pension for doing it. I felt out of sync with the whole process, I’ve stared many journals and after just a few days of struggling about what to write about, the entries would slowly fall off, until nothing. I think I had thrown the towel in the ring, so to speak, I had given up; until at an intensive workshop back in December 2005 I was given the directive to each night, write down five (5) successes from my day. I immediately knew I could do this. I am proud to report I have consistently written in my journal each night since the second week in December.

The mere fact that I’m focusing daily on, “what are my successes,” has subtlety changed my perspective. I am finding myself getting very comfortable about my progress, big and small, it makes no difference- I like the feeling- and my experiences look so much brighter to me in the moment as they are happening. I look to see success in everything and from everyone, it’s becoming contagious. Thanks for this opportunity! Reflective” M.

“I did not keep a journal until I was over around thirty years old. I started keeping a journal because I went back to school, one of the classes I took was a writing class and the instructor required we keep a hand written journal. I started the journal and found that it helped my creativity, I did not encounter writers’ block as much while I keep a journal. Since beginning my journal I have found that, both my knowledge of self has increased and my writing has changed. Most of the time I use my pen and paper journal for ideas, rather than anything else, when I write anything else I use a computer and word processor program. In addition, I have now expanded my journaling to a writing blog.” N.F.D.

“I received The 5 Year Journal as a Xmas present. I start each day’s entries with Aura-Soma – Discovery Through Colour Tarot cards pulled that day and any significant messages and/or events from the day. The format helps me to simplify and get to the essence of the day. Thank you for this book.” M.

“I have just started a computerized journal. I found that writing everything down not only took more time, but it got to be a hassle in trying to keep all the different journals organized. About 2 weeks ago, i found a free download for a computerized diary. It’s pretty decent…enough so, that I’ve decided to switch everything over to that. It allows you to record multiple journals so i have one for daily thoughts (i keep my gratitude, moods, daily thoughts in this one)…i have one that i keep copies of my blogs in….i have one that i record my tarot readings in…i also have one for meditation as far as insight i gained at that moment.” C.

“I have journaled for so many years, because I love to write. In the beginning, I kept a prayer journal, and then I could go back and document how my prayers had been answered. Then our family went through some very painful times with our children as they grew up. By then I was filling page after page with our happenings, our joys and triumphs and lots of pages of pain. Sometimes it was like having the emotional pain flow out of me, through my pen, and onto my paper, giving me needed relief and an outlet. This was good for my husband too, as he was experiencing similar pain to mine. If I had expressed all this grief and sadness and disappointment to him, it may have helped me, but it would have made him carry my burden as well as his own. The journals were perfect outlets for me. Eventually, things leveled off somewhat, but I kept journaling, and they sort of became personal and family archive material, some of bad, most of it good.

When I retired, my co-workers gave be a beautiful, leather bound 5 year journal. I loved it! Then a loved one in my family had very hard times again, and again we found ourselves in emotional turmoil. That journal contained my every thought and feeling for about 4 years. Then one day while visiting my daughter out west, I put some books on top of the car in order to free up my hands to get the car keys from my pocketbook, and you guessed it! We drove merrily away, until I remembered the books half way to our destination. Horror! We scurried back to my daughter’s neighborhood, canvassed every home, looked in every ditch and behind every bush on the highway, including a long patch of freeway (on foot) and never, never did find that journal. Someone must have picked it up and had an interesting read. I thoroughly expect to read a book someday or watch a movie on TV reminiscent of “Portia Faces Life,” and know beyond a doubt I am hearing some of that good/bad stuff from my journal. I am sure to an outsider reading it, it must have been very much like a soap opera and they must have thought the writer was a drama queen, because remember, you don’t have to hold back when you are just writing for yourself. Your can let yourself have a real catharsis, in writing.

The worse part of the loss was the sense of having 4 years of my life snatched away. Did I mention I have a very poor memory? Eventually I came to the knowledge that a lot of what I had written was something I would rather forget. Life had become more manageable. Our lives had been re-established with lots more blessings than problems. So, who needs to keep bad memories? Not me. I actually felt, finally, that it was much healthier to let it all go.

The other realization was that I definitely wanted another 5 year journal. It is so enjoyable to write the day’s entry and see what we did one, two, three years hence. I went to the Internet, entering “5 Year Journal” in my search engine, and there you were! The rest is history. I take good care of my journal I ordered from you and I never, never take it on trips. I enter data in another notebook, and transfer it when we return home. For the most part, this is a happy journal, and I have enjoyed it. Thank you for designing it, making it available at an affordable price, and even for giving encouragement and ideas for the journaling process.” S.M.

“Hi Doreene, I have never considered myself a really strong person, until I reread my journal. Six years ago, our 35yr old son had been divorced a year and was homeless “somewhere” in Vegas. I journaled (in Doreene’s journal) about who I contacted and the progress made, if any. Because we were able to find our son and get help, he has recovered and moved close to his family.

He graduated from Nevada Community College with honors and is tutoring others (on the computer) that have been affected by mental illness . I have relived the tears ,the heartache and despair I felt for our son who was diagnosed with mental illness. The pain of it all, the stigma! Now, I am an advocate for mental illness and share what I have learned. I have Doreene’s Journal and just discovered something about myself. I am strong! I am starting a new journal, “What a vibrant, ambitious 40 year old feels like……. inside the body of an 80 year old!” Thanks, Doreene.” D.

“Doreene, This is my third year using my journal (The 5 Year Journal.) I could not imagine ending my day any other way at this point. My journal has helped me through the best of times and worst of times. I was able to journal through my pregnancy, loss of that pregnancy, and a successful subsequent pregnancy. I find it incredibly valuable to be able to reread where I was at the same calendar time period years before. I can see how far I have grown as a mother, wife, and person when I read my own words and feelings. Thank you for such a wonderful tool for capturing this information.” L.L.

Copyright 2006 OMDC, LLC

Source by Doreene Clement

from Home Solutions Forev https://homesolutionsforev.com/journals-journals-journals/ via Home Solutions on WordPress from Home Solutions FOREV https://homesolutionsforev.tumblr.com/post/188169377785 via Tim Clymer on Wordpress