#themochiest

[themochiest]

Nothing You Did Satisfy Me

“Because you speak to me in words and I look at you in feelings” - unknown

Now I know why.

Nothing you did satisfies me. You did nice thing, I’m happy, then you did other thing, and I feel annoyed.

I’m a fool. I shouldn’t get angry for those small stuffs that you did “wrong”… in fact, you’re not wrong at all. Things don’t always go to what I want, that’s impossible. And there’re reasonable explanations behind your behavior. I understand but I still annoyed. Your explanations, your reasons, won’t do.. Nothing seems right. I’m happy and then unhappy. I’m relieved and then disappointed. I look at you in feelings. Now I know. All my disappointments will always be there because you are you and not me. Even that you are mine, my life and yours are separate thing and your life doen’t go to what I desire but you. Thus, by keeping this selfishness in me, I will never get satisfied to whatever you’ve done.

- themochiest

[themochiest]

Try Not To Be The Bad Person

I tried my best not to be a bad person in somebody’s life. Some people need to try harder tho.. lucky I don’t feel that hard. But yes I get angry, I get jealous, I get disgusted, I feel want to harm somebody physically and emotionally, I want to yell, I want to critic. Yet still I teas, I banter, I critic, I yell. And those result in hurtful moment to somebody. I remember that one day I was angry, I feel I deserved to get angry because this guy do a wrong thing. And I remember after that I went to meet my friends and have a good time. While that guy was probably hurt and grumbled the whole day. But hey, now I understand something! Nobody deserves to be hurt by anybody! I can get angry, I am allowed to. But that doesn’t justify me to hurt somebody. While I can do whatever to my body, if I do love my self, I should have known that angry hurt myself and I wouldn’t want to hold that for longer.

[themochiest]

Friday Night

Shimmering night full of light Here I am with nothing I like “I’m done pitying myself!” Say one girl for million times

“I’m not a girl, not yet a woman” The heartbreaking song is on the air I’m just a girl that dreaming no dare Unknown in that girl is laying a heir A mighty heir of phoenix and bear

If only the girl can see herself She’s been living in a bubble glass Covered outside with blue white delf Ah squash squash onto a morass Dirty delf oh what a rash

Pretty girl you lack of trust You think the glass is broken but it just a smudge You are strong but you are clueless Pretty girl, you need a new wipe cleaner Rest assured we all need that once sometimes

Now you see clearer Now you breath deeper Now you feel better And the sun shines brighter

-themochiest

[themochiest]

Are We Living in Sorry Society?

Are we living in “sorry” society? You say it again. Don’t feel bad, that is not your fault.

Are we living in “sorry” society? You’re not a bad guy to say sorry all the time.

Please stop! Are we living in “sorry” society? Is that your way to make me feel bad?? Or is that a self-pity??

Okay I got it. We are living in “sorry” society. You don’t mean it. It’s like a space between a word and an empty smile you put on all the time.

Disgust. Can we stop saying sorry if don’t mean it?

-themochiest

[themochiest]

Do You Love Me?

He never gets jealous. While I remember he is saying "it's such a fool if the woman cheat on me, let her be, I have nothing to loose. But if she finds a better man, good for her, and I shall be too." Every time I remember that, a tingling sensation starts to burst on my chest and my palm. I believe that's how I feel heartbreak. That's why he never gets jealous. I can go out with anyone, tell him somebody just hit on me, yet doesn't make him jealous. Fabulous! Am I not so important for you that you actually need to protect from any possibility that may cause my disappearance? I must admit you are a great boyfriend. You treat me with care but never give me too much. Just enough. "Cause I don't want you to have demanding habit" you reason. I see you care about me, you contact me in every possible situation, you never leave me wondering where you are. Here I want to believe that you love me so much. But from what I know, love comes in a packet with possessiveness and a bit of undeniable insecurity. Do you actually love me?

[themochiest]

It’s not vulnerable. It’s insecurity. Or maybe insecurity is the by product of vulnerability? But one cannot feel secure without once being vulnerable…

[themochiest]

Wanita Luluh Dengan Dicinta

Wanita itu banyak cerita. Kadang tertawa kadang duka. Hei kamu, lebih baik waspada. Karena dibalik canda, tersimpan makna. Namun tak apa. Wanita luluh dengan dicinta.

Aku pun punya cerita. Cerita tentang dia. Dia yang telah tiada. Dia yang tak tahu kemana. Dia yang tlah lama tak bersua.

Perjumpaan pertama, kedua, dan ketiga. Semua tidak membawa kemana-mana. Yah, sudahlah. Mungkin tak apa untuk sedikit mengenang rasa. Karena dibalik senyuman, ada kenangan.

-themochiest

[themochiest]

I thought it’s okay to feel vulnerable. Apparently, it’s not.

Themochiest

[themochiest]

Unexpected Guess

4.47pm, the weather was a little wet after a heavy rain. I was sitting down in front of my computer, very concentrated, with a headset on and a cup of warm coffee at hand. My co-worker was busy doing his work and some busy noise at the back. Then I heard someone saying hello. In that very second, between denial and surprised, I tried my best to look ignorant as was busy with my headset. My co-worker greeted him. And I know I cannot pretend and must say hello as I will do to anybody else. I turn around and say “Ah, hello! How are you?!” In my heart, there’s a big “WHY?” But my face, I believe is “oh hello, nice meeting you fella” kinda face. This is very complicated. Because I cannot show being too glad nor too ignorant. But that actually makes it unnatural. Because if that was somebody else, I would show my friendly and “Happy to see you again!” kinda face. But if I show that kinda face, that would probably deliver something else. After a shake of hand, I turn around and pretend to concentrate back at my work, but in fact, i was busy controlling my heartbeat while talking to myself, “Calm down, don’t expect too much, he’s nobody for you.” Then they were both gone to the other room, I can go back to the state where I was before. Some minutes has passed. Oh, damn! My time is over! Now, that I am scheduled to manage the documents, I have to come to that room, join them in their conversation. I couldn’t imagine how should I behave. Now, I am making some scene that possibly could happen and prepared myself so I could behave properly. I alway do that, imagining something and evaluate what best to behave and best mental state that I need to set. Okay, think that I am quite prepared with some scene in mind to equip me, I am going to that room. They are there, laughing at something he said. But I don’t follow! And I feel too awkward to look him in the face and conversing. Okay, just do my work. I took my pen and write, concentrate on my work. Ah! I better go downstair, take something to kill time and run away from these people. After a few minutes, I come back to the room. They were talking and laughing and I followed sometimes, laugh together, adds something to merry the conversation. One hour passed and now my two co-workers are scheduled with something else and need to leave the room. He excused us to go somewhere. My co-workers left me and I am in the room by myself. I really hope he will not come back until at least my co worker back. But not so long, he’s back! Damn! “Eh, where’s the rest?” “Oh yeah, Ms. Liana is meeting Ms. Sue downstair. Mr. Sandy probably in the other room.” I say, just look a little bit at him and preparing my works. He’s standing there. “Oh. Okay.” Then he’s going. Yeah I can guess that. He won’t stay long in this room, just two of us. That’s too awkward to happen. But then, I heard he’s going to other room where my other co-worker, Ms. Chintia, is. I don’t know what they are talking about, but now, Ms. Chintia and him are coming. Ms. Chintia is scheduled to do some work in the other room, but now, she’s sitting here, three of us. Well, because of her, we are starting to have a conversation. I’m sitting, Ms. Chintia is also sitting, and he’s standing in between. Thanks to Ms. Chintia, I can talk normally, make some jokes and laugh. But I know Ms. Chintia is actually has something to do and she feels uncomfortable to sit and talk with us. I can see from her body language she’s waiting for a right time to stop the conversation and excuse us to continue her work. And yeah, she does. “Hmm… I need to go back to work… I’m sorry…” then she left, leaving me only with him. There’s some silence for a few seconds… “Haah… Been quite a long time since my last time came here…” “Yeahh.. 1 month? 2 months?” “Yeah 2 months.” “Missed it already?” I laugh. What a classic conversation. But, that means it has been two months since we last talked and he stopped visiting this place. I know he’s awkward but, at least, I tried my best not to condition my mind in awkward state. That would probably help the way I behave. “Well, hahaha, not yet.” Then the conversation stopped. I don’t know what to say. I hate classic conversation. At least not with the one that knows this is just a classic conversation. And I think he won’t like it too. So I decided to just back on my work. He sit for a while then he stand. “Okay, I’ll be going down. Bye.” “Okay, bye.” He won’t going upstair. One hour has passed. My other co-worker is coming back. But he remains downstair. I wonder if he will wait until we finish. Will he ask me where am I going? Will he offer himself to drive me home? Does he come here because he wants to say something to me? Is it because of me? Fifteen minutes before we finish work, a call from downstair is ringing. I got it. It’s him. “Who’s there?” “It’s me, Ella.” “Oh, Ms. Ella, can you tell the others, I am going home? Thank you for today and see you later.” “Oh, you’re going. Okay, I’ll tell them. Ah, wait!” I pass it to Mr. Sandy. They are saying goodbye and so do I. He’s not waiting for me. I’m not the reason he’s coming. I go downstair and ready to go home. I’m not the reason but I couldn’t help myself being happier, at least, a little bit than i was before. I took a motorcycle and hoping he’s somewhere across the street looking at me. I went down from a motorcycle and hoping he’s somewhere across the street waiting for me. I go inside the market and hoping he knows where I live and knows that I always pass this market and is actually waiting for me. I am passing the fruits aisle with some smile on my face, and imagining he’s coming here and say hi to me. “Eh Ms. Ella.” “Eh! Mr. Danny! You’re here!” “Haha yeah. Buy some fruits too. What are you buying?” “Well, just some apples and spinach for tomorrow.” I smile. “Haha. Do you always cook by yourself?” “Hahaha, just a simple one. What I mean by simple is, literally very simple. I’m not, at all, being humble.” “Hahaha. Yeah okay I got it. How are you by the way?” “Yeah, I’m very good. Can’t you see how I have gained some weight??” “Hahaha. No, not at all. How’s the work?” “You’re being too kind! Yeah, work is still good. I’m still pretty excited by it.” “Good to hear that then.” Then, there’s some silence. “Have you get yourself some Spanish lesson?” He ask. “Nah… the time slot is no match with mine. How bout you?” “Yeah, I haven’t too. I’m still teaching some kids and that takes quite my times.” “Ow… yeah…” “Yeah, actually, I am sorry I couldn’t help you to that Spanish place.” “Oh! No no, don’t you mind about that!” “Anyway, good to talk with you again.” he smiles. I smiles. Then I walk to the cashier. Those conversation is just my imagination. He’s not in the market. I paid my groceries and walked home. I know he’s not someone special for me and I have no feeling for him. But seeing him today gives me some sparks. I am waiting for him going upstair. I am hoping he is waiting for me. I am hoping I am the reason and he wants to spend some time talking with me. I hope he wants to start over our friendship. Note, friendship, not relationship. I hope he’s there, in front of the door with his big motorcycle. But he’s not. I am now in side my house, walking to my room and those fantasy has come to an end. No more his appearance, no chat after that night.

http://themochiest.weebly.com/dream-in-crimson

[themochiest]

There is nothing one is more sick of and considers more tacky than something that has belonged to them for a long time. However, another way to say “tacky” and “sick of” is “accustomed to” and “comfortable.” The feeling of being accustomed only comes with having spent a long time with something. And only the people I’m comfortable with can truly know me, embrace me, and console me.

Reply 1988

[themochiest]

Long Distance

Been too long i was waiting for someone like you. Been too long and then I met you. I thank God.

Been too long we’ve been distanced. Been too long of waiting and now it’s almost over. I thank God.

Been too many separation and still many more.. Been too many but yet we’ve endured. I thank God.

[themochiest]

Sweet Midnight

Midnight is always a time for daydreaming. Even more than that! It is time for ideas and innovations. Time for wisdom and insights. Time for maturity and understandings. Time for looking back and search for deeper meaning. Time to immerse yourself into sadness and hopes. Because tomorrow morning, i got a plan for a better future and a better day. I’m not having a good day. As much as I want to, not everyday is beautiful full of happiness kind of day. They say happiness depends on your thoughts. So being said, my thoughts must have betrayed me. I lost my confidence and assurance of what my future looks like. As much as I tried to belief in happiness, I couldn’t help myself to feel clueless. But midnight let me immersed in my emotions. I want to sink deep and lost. Because then I can believe in happiness, and hopes.

[themochiest]

Feeling terrible is also a ripple effect, it starts another small terrible thing and so on...

Themochiest

[themochiest]

It's funny that people can be in trouble without problem. Actually, the problem is inside, not outside. Yet, what's unseen is more dangerous. Because you don't know which needs to be tackled.

Themochiest

[themochiest]

I’m only a dust. That seen today may not tomorrow. That known today forgotten tomorrow.

[themochiest]

Your picture

So this is how it feels. Empty. When you see someone you like to be with, is taken by somebody else. I’m a selfish head. Just like to be catch by but never put oneself on somebody else’s shoes. “He has to move on just like you have moved on and shows up your happiness” I keep saying that to myself. Imagine him looking at your picture with somebody else. Now you know how that feels. With 2 levels more depressing than yours. No, I know how that feels, way before him. I had heartbroken more than he has. And I got only one chance of happiness. He missed that chance. He was once one of my many heartbroken too. But he will never know. He doesn’t have to know things that bitter and still won’t change anything to a better.