#their relationships is hostile and yet they learn so much from him (and secretly really want his approval so bad lbr)

[captainkirkk]

Patient's distressed mother: I don't think I want to impulsively give my dying son medicine that has a good chance of killing him much faster- House: WOOOOW your only child is going to DIE and it's going to be your fault for not making this split second decision right now, you fucking MORON

[ooooo-mcyt]

For real though watching yhs has lead me to the conclusion that despite Grian seemingly has such an active fight instinct....most of the time he actually doesnt respond to situations with half the fight attributed to him.

When faced with a traumatic situation Grian will absolutely bare his teeth at the nearest threat. He's absolutely vitriolic towards Sam at all times without fail and has even initiated physical violence in their confrontations once or twice. He's often on edge, often quick to angry outbursts, just overall rather hostile when faced with a dangerous/frightening/harmful situation. Which definitely indicates his main response to these scenarios is to fight. Hard.

However the more I engaged with fanon the more I faltered. A lot of fanon does portray him as very hostile in the face of trouble. Which should make sense. Canonically Grian knows when to say no, when to argue, and even sometimes when to physically fight back. Any episode with Grian present will likely have examples of him pushing back against harmful situations. And yet something always feels very Off about that being the start and end of it in a lot of fanon. Which led me down an interesting line of thinking.

I honestly suspect that Grian's volatility and will to fight back isn't nearly as strong as one would believe from observing him on surface level. In fact, his on the surface hostility feels like it's borderline a facade altogether to be honest.

I mean look at examples throughout canon of Grian in distressing situations.

Yhs halloween episode. The one where Taurtis got stabbed. And the following situation where Grian is famously forced to dress up like Taurtis. Grian would later be very upset about Sam stabbing Taurtis, however his initial response was to nervously laugh and even give Sam appeasing praise. I mean, Grian says "you weren't supposed to stab him" pretty clearly, but he anxiously laughs before and afterwards and even tells Sam he's proud of him when prompted. Obviously Grian was very upset about the whole thing later on after taking Taurtis to the hospital however in the moment he's mostly silent and when he's not he's just nervously laughing throughout, even agreeing with whatever *Sam* says when he's outright prompted by name for an opinion, then when everyone else tries to play it off casually Grian actually goes along with it almost entirely, even agreeing to let Taurtis drive him home for some reason. Then, according to his own story, he had an opportunity to talk to police at the hospital and he didn't incriminate Sam. He knew they were supicious of *him* but he still didn't incriminate the actual killer. "I told them I found him like that" Grian alleged. Honestly it sounds like he didn't tell them much of *anything* before being released and making the walk back to meet Sam. The next morning Grian was significantly more vocally upset about Taurtis being stabbed and expressed being upset with Sam however he seemed significantly more anxious than he was angry throughout the interaction. Then Grian immediately pretty readily agreed to go with Sam and Yuki to school and willingly put on the Taurtis outfit before the other's even started with the threats in the name of making things 'less awkward'. He certainly objected, however he was once again a lot more anxious than angry, nervously laughing, coming up with really weak unimportant excuses, and agreeing within ten seconds of being asked. Pretty much the rest of his time dressed as Taurtis goes very similarly. He objects to most things he's told to do and brings up Sam stabbing Taurtis multiple times despite the other's not wanting him to but is primarily nervous rather than hostile and he never actuslly puts up enough resistence for it to stick. Even when the other's were stuffing plastic down his throat and he told them he thought it may kill him Grian still did it and told the other's he *liked* it when pushed. Eventually he got out of it by running on Rowan's command and no sooner than being told to get out of there. When Sam found him again Grian immediately even reverted back to doing as he was told and cowering away from him in obvious fear up until Okami and Rowan showed up and shoved Grian behind them. Then he *still went home that night* knowing Sam would be there. When they found Taurtis it was pretty clear that Grian was hoping Taurtis would help him once he got his memory back however when instructed to stop telling Taurtis who he was Grian for the most part did aside from subtle pushing about the familiarity of certain things and then later when Taurtis got his memory back and made it pretty clear he wasn't going to help Grian? Grian conceded. He spent a good few minutes arguing about everything he'd gone through- everything they both had- and insisting it wasn't okay but when Taurtis made it pretty clear he wasn't going to do anything and they collectively agreed Grian was the real problem? Grian kinda...stopped. When Taurtis made it clear he wasn't going to be helping, Grian just kinda fell back into their normal routine with the other's, and when Sam demanded an 'apology soda' from Grian for what he'd apparently done, Grian bought it for him saying "If that's what it takes for things to go back to normal".

Let's also look at Grian's involvement with the law during/shortly-after the Halloween situation. When Sam and Yuki dragged him to join the Yakuza he was upset and objected anxiously but caved as soon as he got pushback. When Sam wanted to steak from the Yakuza he once again got objections from Grian who nervously insisted that it was a terrible idea but once again Sam shoved aside Grian's complaints and once again Grian just kinda fell into place despite being upset. When the police also started threatening the trio's lives to work for them, Grian objected. He questioned if they were allowed to do that and was very openly not happy about any of it, however he very quickly submitted under pressure. Both times Grian was locked in solitary confinement he loudly protested his sanity and both times he voiced how disturbing it was on a really deep level being locked up like that but both times when he was let out he just went with the other two again and let them brush it all off- even knowing full well they let him out to be *death fodder*. He just went with them relatively quietly save for maybe a token remark or two. Honestly the large majority of this bs Grian was involved with was under physical threat and he almost always bent under it. Even down to his fight with Pie over Ellen. Pie showed up and started challenging their relationship. Sam, Taurtis, and Yuki insisted they have a knife fight. Grian said *no*. Pie said yes. Sam, Taurtis, and Yuki affirmed there would be a knife fight. Grian objects more. Everyone else present discusses how the knife fight will work. Grian gets stabbed. Grian suggests they just ask Ellen who they want to date *obviously*. Ellen chooses nobody and leaves. Grian was upset but then just kinda accepts it and goes on with what the whole group was doing before.

And just to round this out with one more example. The Starwars Cosplay Incident. Apparently Sam burst into Grian's room, undressed him, shoved him into Leia Cosplay complete with fake boobs, and locked him in the basement for three days. Grian sits there for three days until Taurtis rescues him.  Grian has a moment of being rightfully very angry and finally even tries to physically attack Sam, demanding to know if Taurtis is aware of what Sam did to him and insisting that they can't expect everything to be fine now. Except it kinda...was. Taurtis stopped Grian from attacking Sam, they both brushed it off as a joke and not a big deal, and then they went to school. And Grian just *went*. He walked with the other two, he wore the outfit Sam put him in, and he just kinda moved on. Grian would later object when the clones tried to pull him out of class, snapping that he just wants to learn and get an education like a normal person and demanding to know why he's not allowed to. But he goes! And when he's released he walks right back to Sam and Taurtis, makes some bitter remarks to them, and let's them shove it all aside as if it's unimportant. Later when it's Grian, Sam, and a member of school staff alone in the closet, some innapropriate remarks are made to Grian. He very quickly says he's reporting the remarks made by school staff but Sam tells him not to be rude and it doesn't seem Grian ever does. Later on when Geode makes a comment about Grian's outfit as well Sam and Taurtis start pondering *giving* Grian to them. Grian repeatedly said *no* but with a lot more despair than defiance and we don't even know if he'd have actually followed through with fighting back if they'd tried to actually give him away because they were interrupted before the situation got to that point. Grian once again just let the other's move on as if that didn't happen and continued following them around, though! And he wore that damn outfit he was very explicitly uncomfortable with. All day.

Which is kinda all to say that when it comes to fighting back Grian is a lot more bark than bite.

Grian throws out a lot of bitter remarks, makes his objections very apparent in most things, and even has more than one vitriolic rant to his abuser(s) throughout the series. But that layer of his responses to things is so fragile that it tends to fall away within minutes- if that, sometimes *seconds*.

Of course ive seen other people take note of this and argue that it means Grian actually *wants* to do these thingd he's objecting to but I think that's silly. If it were just things like group crime or violent acts then id possibly see it but Grian puts up the same kind of response to having plastic shoved down his throat and to being locked in the basement for days which there's no way in hell he was any kind of okay with. The more likely scenario here isn't that he secretly wanted to do any of these things and made his resistence weak so he could pretend he tried while still doing it.

The likely scenario here is that his fight response is much more for show than one would think. Because Grian's strongest most influential response to things really never seems to be to fight. Aggression is really hardly Grian's overall stance on handling a distressing situation.

Much more frequently you see the most influence coming from completely other instinctive responses.

Looking for outside help in adults, friends, and classmates like when Okami and Rowan protected him during his time dressed as Taurtis or when Grian tried desperately to get Taurtis to be on his side and help him after Sam seriously hurt him both when Taurtis first got his memory back after Halloween and when Taurtis found Grian in the basement during the Starwars Cosplay Incident, hell, even during his fight with Pie it can be argued that Grian calling for them to just ask Ellen was an appeal to outside help as he hoped Ellen would agree to end the fight and save him from the situation as a result.

Running away- or trying to at least- from the threat. Most notably seen back during the halloween incident when he quite literally ran out the back of the gym and hid from Sam+Yuki then hiding behind Okami and Rowan when they showed up in an attempt to flee from Sam which is how he got away from the other's at all during that situation. Grian's consistent need to exclaim every so often how much he wants to go back to Europe is a subtler example of this, though, of Grian's urge to get away.

Honestly though being quiet and moving as he's directed seems to be the most common winning response. You see little sparks of reaction from him but most of the time Grian is just quiet, nervously laughing, following Taurtis and Sam around in what they ask of him, and even outright appeasement strategies to maintain a calm environment. This is So common from Grian. This is what usually wins out. His quiet nervous laughter and agreeing with Sam when Taurtis is first stabbed. The fact that he didn't tell the police what Sam did when alone with them during questioning and then immediately walked to meet up with Sam and went to school with Sam+Yuki with literally no objections. The fact that he didn't say no like *at all* to putting on the Taurtis outfit in the name of not making things awkward and complied within seconds of first being asked. How he proceeded to do what he was asked all day and didn't make any move to get away until Rowan outright instructed him to run. The fact that he went back! The fact that he went along with it when they joined the Yakuza and when they stole from the Yakuza and when they joined up with the cops and when they *forced him into a knife fight*. How Grian eventually just lost his spark of defiance after Taurtis first got his memories back and made it clear he wasn't helping Grian, with Grian agreeing to buy Sam a fucking *apology soda* if it meant things would go back to normal after hearing everyone else agree that *he* was the problem in all he'd been put through. The way he just goes back to following Sam and Taurtis after they got him locked in solitary confinement on blatant lies because they *wanted* to. The way he walks around school with the other two while wearing cosplay that made him feel gross and uncomfortable that Sam had literally physically forced onto him and just went along with what he was told in the end.

Grian always puts up a fight but not a good one. He makes side comments, he makes objections, he even has more than one emotional rant about the hell he's put through, however this never wins out in the end and this presenting fight is very frequently just barely holding down much stronger freeze and fawn instincts that usually win out pretty damn quick.

Which!!! In a situation like Grian's it actually makes significantly more sense to have strong freeze and fawn responses than to have a strong fight response! I mean, think about it. A fight response is primarily useful in scenarios in which it's possible to take strong action to remove the threat. You're attacked by a dog so you throw stuff at it till it backs away. You're picked on by an upperclassman so you punch em' in the nose expecting fully that they'll leave you be after. Someone attacks you while you're walking home so you try and stab them with your key. Fighting is an incredibly good response for random/one time attacks. If you're ever kidnapped you wanna scream and punch and kick and make a scene so they can't take you to a secondary location. You fight. Fighting is optimal for unexpected stranger conflicts. That's not the situation Grian's in though. Grian suffers from serious long term physical, emotional, and financial abuse. He's in a country he doesn't have residency or family in, he doesn't have a readily available source of income, he doesn't have his own mode of transportation, it seems that most of the time he doesnt have a clear way home, he's often dealing with long term friends of his and seemingly his biggest source of support prior to this situation, even back in Europe he doesn't have much support system to run to given his parents canonically left him, he's frequently under threat of physical danger, etc. This is not the kind of situation in which an intense primary fight response helps. This is the type of situation in which an intense primary fight response either gets you seriously hurt or wandering the streets with no way to provide for yourself. It would likely be similar if he presented an intense primary flight response to be honest. In long term abuse situations where there's no rational way of escaping safely or no rational place to escape to? Often the primary responses that promote survival are fawn and freeze. Appeasing the aggressor or sinking into the background. Those are your ways to stay alive when you can't expect to 'win' or escape. It absolutely makes more sense for Grian to have primary fawn and freeze responses than a primary fight response.

But then why does he present so much hostility? What's with all the bitter remarks and the attempts to voice objections and the occasional overt insults/screaming? How does a fawn/freeze response present as fight when first pressed at?? Well fun fact, I have experience with that kind of presentation because I *was* that kind of presentation. Oh boy did I try to push strong fight responses towards my abusive father with token resistences and petty remarks even though most of the time I crumpled under the slightest pressure and spent my time ignoring the problem or dissociating or trying very hard to avoid future conflicts. You put up a token front of fight even if that's never going to be your primary response for the sake of your own mental health, really. To assure the world- and *you*- knows that you don't *want* this situation. So you can say you tried. Out of some misguided hope that your attempted bravado won't be seen through and that maybe this time they'll just stop pushing instead of calling the bluff. Which. Makes sense with Grian as well. I mean looking at the times he really truly goes off before reverting back to a more appeasing stance, most notably his rants from when Taurtis first got his memory back as well as from when he got out of the basement during the Starwars Cosplay Incident. Most of those rants were taken up by Grian loudly and passionately reiterating what he'd been through, insisting he was the victim, and calling Sam an awful person before the defiance fades out and he becomes more willing to just go about their day. It's one attempted push hoping the other parties present will vie in his favour and a reassertion that he's not okay with this and that *he* is being hurt which gives way within minutes to a much duller attitude. That's just a painfully familiar format. Adding on Grian's token objections/passive aggressive remarks to many situations that distress him and how quickly those objections give way as dismissed by others. That kind of behaviour feels strongly like an attempt to preserve your own mental wellbeing as much as possible with the knowledge that you tried to some extent and with just generally hearing out loud that you are the victim even if from yourself. Grian's behaviour just really feels like a facade of defiance to cover up general helplessness which makes a Lot of sense for the scenario. Probably more than just plain defiance would.

[utakoi]

The Answer

Pairing: Yandere!Pro-hero!Shoto Todoroki x Fem!Reader

Summary: Shoto’s constant affection towards you suddenly stops one day and you’re not sure if you’re entirely happy about it. 

Warnings: smut !!18+ ONLY!!, yandere themes, Stockholm syndrome, dubcon, cursing

Inspo Playlist: I Wanna Be Yours - Arctic Monkeys // Control - Doja Cat // begin again - Purity Ring

A/N: super rusty, but hey, gotta start somewhere, hope y’all enjoy :)

You’ve gotta admit that you’re a little impressed with Shoto Todoroki’s seemingly endless amounts of patience. 

No matter how much you kicked, screamed, or bit, your captor never raised his voice or tried to fight back. Your first thought was that he was a masochist, secretly enjoying how you clawed at his skin whenever he was close and called him every name in the book. 

However, you’d catch a flicker of sadness in his eyes whenever you rejected his affectionate advances, but it would go away so quickly that you questioned if you ever even saw it at all. 

Despite your obvious hostility toward him, Shoto was never deterred from trying to smother you with his love. It was awkward oftentimes to the point you wondered if he’s had any sort of experience in the field of romance, but nonetheless, he tried.

The way he’d clumsily pull you into a hug and try to whisper sweet nothings in your ear could almost be called endearing. When he first called you his “sweet little sugar love,” you couldn’t stifle a giggle. Come on, calling you his “sweet little sugar love” in such a deep and monotone voice? He must have used it as a joke to get any type of positive reaction from you. However, considering how he only looked at you with a confused expression when you laughed, you were sure that he meant it seriously. After that, he seemed to call you overly cheesy pet names more and more just to get you to smile again. (They worked more times than you’d like to admit.)

Still, you just couldn’t forget the fact that he ripped you away from your ordinary life and forced you into a relationship with him. So, over and over again, you’d refuse his loving gestures, and over and over again, Shoto would just keep showing you how much he loves you. 

And then he just stopped.

It wasn’t all that sudden, moreso like a gradual decline over time.

Less touches, less words exchanged, less time spent with you… until he just left you alone a majority of the day. His hero duties would already ensure you having some alone time, but he’d usually try to sneak in a good morning kiss before leaving and immediately smother you with cuddles upon returning home. Now, he just goes off without a word and sleeps on the couch rather than sharing the bed with you. 

You were happy about it, grateful even. Sure, Shoto still left you locked in the house with no means of escape, but you felt like you could actually fully relax without dreading that his presence will soon invade your personal bubble. 

You could roam around the house. You could read a book. You could go down to the kitchen to have a snack.

All without Shoto by your side. 

But… it felt strange somehow. You reasoned with yourself that it may just be because you haven’t felt at ease in so long that it felt foreign to truly feel relaxed. You also considered that you had some slight paranoia, making conspiracy theories that Shoto’s finally done with your behavior and is just giving you a short period of peace before taking you to hell for acting so horribly towards him. 

None of those ideas seemed right, though. 

All you knew for sure was that the feeling didn’t sit well with you.

// // // // // //

The uncomfortable feeling is now at an all time high as you stare at Shoto’s sleeping face. Once again, he chooses to sleep on the couch instead of sharing the bed with you. You wonder why. His legs have to be bent quite a bit in order for his body to fit on the couch and his head is propped up so high on the throw pillow that you’re certain he has neck pain every morning. 

How long has it been since he’s avoided you like the plague? A month or two? You stopped keeping count after the first few weeks. 

For a while, you haven’t seen Shoto at all. Slipping by the door in the morning and only coming back at late hours of the night, it’s almost like you’re living with a ghost. The only pieces of evidence he’d leave that proves he was ever home are chopsticks and an empty bowl waiting in the sink to be washed. 

Looking at his sleeping face has somehow become a nightly routine for you. You’re not sure when or how it started. It just… did. You tried to stop yourself when you realized what you were doing, but you found it impossible to sleep without watching him for just a bit. 

Your little routine concerns you, but not as much as you know it should. That’s what really scares you. 

“What- what are you doing?”

You tense a little upon hearing Shoto’s raspy voice. You haven’t heard it in a while, that is, if you don’t count the times you’d hear his voice during interviews while watching television.

“I was... Just checking on you.”

His heterochromatic eyes widen a little, clearly surprised by your response. His usual stoicness returns, however, and he rises off the couch wordlessly to stand in front of you. He reaches a hand out, but he hesitates and eventually retracts it. 

The uncomfortable feeling in you intensifies slightly.

“It’s late. You should go to be-”

“Are you mad at me?”

Both of you are caught off guard at what tumbles out of your lips. It doesn’t take long before more words escape you.

“You- I haven’t seen you in so long. I thought- I thought that you were finally done with me. God, you w-woudn’t even say bye t-to me before you left for work and- fuck, I- I just…”

You’re sure that you’re rapidly spitting out so many words that Shoto can’t even keep up with what you’re saying. Hell, you don’t even know what you’re saying yourself. It isn’t until you feel Shoto’s hands cup your face gently that you stop. One of his thumbs brush against your cheek, smearing something wet on it. You realize that you were crying while you rambled. 

Shoto’s lips open and close, almost like a fish gasping when dragged onto land. Perhaps it’s because he’s still groggy from having woken up, but your gut tells you that he’s actually just choosing his words carefully.  

“Were… Why are you upset?”

Your mind reels at his question. Is that how you’re feeling? Upset? No, that’s not right, not completely.

But if Shoto is right with his assumption, then why? Why are you upset? Well, wouldn’t anyone be upset because they were suddenly kidnapped? But then, that begs another question that you’re not ready to think about, or, rather, a question that you’ve refused to acknowledge:

Why doesn’t the thought of being freed from Shoto make you happy anymore?

“I…” You mumble. Your mind is screaming at you not to answer him, but… you just can’t endure the emotion bubbling up in your chest anymore. Saying it out loud should make you feel better. Giving in would make you feel so much better. 

Finalizing your decision and shushing the nagging voice in your head, you look straight into Shoto’s eyes.

“I miss you, Shoto.”

With that, you lean forward and press your lips against his. When he gasps in shock, you take advantage of it and dart your tongue inside his mouth. Groaning into the kiss, you can feel his hands move from your face to your waist, gripping your body closely to his. 

“You- Did you miss me?” You ask breathlessly once you pull away. Shoto gives you a rare smile and even a soft chuckle. 

“You have no idea how much I longed for you.”

Soon after his response, his lips attach to your neck, sloppily licking and biting at the sensitive skin. Meanwhile, one of his hands wander downwards to cup your sex, rubbing slowly at your clothed opening. You cry out and buck your hips, prompting another chuckle from him.

“Needy for me already, my baby? I can feel your pussy dripping on me, even through these shorts of yours.”

The new nickname he gives you sends shivers down your spine. Since when did he learn how to talk dirty so well?

“I can’t believe I lasted so long not touching you, and now, you’re the one coming to me, admitting you miss me…” 

His hands tug down your shorts, falling and pooling around your feet. 

“And you’re not wearing panties, either? You must have wanted this so bad, baby. I wonder how many times you’ve gone to bed, hoping that I’d join you and fuck you during your sleep.”

Shoto plunges one of his fingers into your hole, pumping it slowly. Simultaneously, his thumb rises a little to place pressure on your clit. You mewl and grip onto his shoulders, digging your nails into them.

“Wh-why didn’t you?” You manage to ask coherently before he adds a second finger inside you, scissoring them slightly. You almost think that Shoto ignores your question, but eventually, he moves away from suckling at your neck and makes eye contact with you.

“Because I knew that once I put distance between us, you’d realize how much you needed me.”

For a split second, the voice in your head appears again.

He manipulated you.

He conditioned you to yearn for his affection. 

He planned everything out.

Yet, as you can feel the lingering sting of Shoto’s lovebites on your neck and his thick fingers slowly bringing you to the edge, you can’t help but not care. All that matters now is that Shoto was right in front of you and he isn’t going to leave you ever again. 

“Shoto… Please, I need more. I need you.” You whimper. He wastes no time in pushing you to lay on the couch and cage your body in his. Once he tugs down the waistband of his pants, you gulp at his size.

His erection’s red tip beads with precum. 

“Ready, my lovely baby?”

You nod, eagerly spreading your legs as much as you can. Slowly, Shoto’s dick enters you inch by inch, stretching you more and more. Your head tips back, overwhelmed at how absolutely full he makes you feel.

“Ngh, you’re so tight, so wet. I love you, baby, I love you so much…” Shoto leans forward fully, your chests pressing against each other. Rocking against you, he whispers endless amounts of praise about how perfectly you take his cock and how wonderful you make him feel. You just moan, far too lost in pleasure to say anything clearly. 

As the both of you grow closer to the edge, his thrusts inside you become less gentle, turning into a frantic rut. 

“Cum together with me, ok, baby? I need you to be a good girl and cum with me. Can you do that for me?”

“Y-yes, I can, Shoto!” 

Soon after, you feel yourself reach your high, your walls clamping down on him as much as they can. Shoto follows suit, managing one more thrust before cumming.

Once you come down, the realization that he had just cum inside you hits. Both of your hands come to rest on your stomach. 

“Is something wrong, my sweet little sugar love?’

You meet Shoto’s eyes, looking down at you with what you can only describe as pure adoration. You simply smile and raise one of your hands away from your belly to run through his dual colored hair. 

“No, nothing at all.”

[chocoluckchipz]

A Soulmate for Christmas - 3

< Previous

"Dupain-Cheng. We need to talk."

Marinette stopped breathing, sinking deeper under the desk. 

Chloe groaned and took a few steps away. "Don't make me get down there and drag you out. And next time, make sure you aren't hiding right in front of a mirror. Be thankful I didn't out you to Adrien."

Marinette glared at her reflection peeking out from a corner of the mostly covered mirror she’d failed to notice. 

"I suppose you want my gratitude for your generosity?" she huffed, climbing out of her hiding spot to face her old nemesis.

"I’ll do without, but let’s make one thing clear—I did it for Adrien, not you."

"Oh really? I fail to see how this benefits him since, you know, he wanted to find me."

Chloe smirked and looked Kagami’s way. Marinette followed her gaze, only now noticing how intently Kagami was watching her. 

"So, this is her?"

"Unfortunately."

Matching smirks on their lips, Kagami’s eyes held restrained curiosity. Chloe’s? Disbelief. 

Marinette could feel the weight of their judgement increase with each passing second. She scoffed. This crap was tiring to deal with back in the lycée. Now it wasn’t even worth the fight. "Listen, I doubt either of you want me to come in and mess up whatever thing you three have going on, so how about you tell Adrien you mistook me for someone else, the waitress he spoke to was not Marinette Dupain-Cheng, and we all walk our separate ways?"

Kagami folded her arms over her chest, arching an eyebrow. "What about Adrien?"

"What about him?"

"He’s your soulmate."

"He’s engaged to you."

"Did you hear anything we said here?"

"Didn’t have much of a choice."

"Then, you’re aware that we’re faking it. There is nothing but friendship between us."

"So I’ve heard."

"And you still want to walk away?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"She’s always been weird," Chloe snipped. "Adrien deserves better."

Marinette scoffed. "No one deserves a soulmate who humiliates them in front of the whole country."

"You can’t really pick your soulmate, you know," Kagami said. 

"But I can walk away from one who respects neither me nor our bond. Fake or not, he chose to be with you. I’m not going to interfere. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back work." 

Kagami grabbed Marinette’s hand before she could take a step. "You don’t understand. It’s not something he’s doing because he doesn’t respect or want you. Adrien’s practically saving my life with this, risking everything he ever wanted to do so."

Marinette almost laughed. "How is fake dating saving your life, Mlle Tsurugi? Fake dating is for fiction, a good book for a lonely evening or a movie to laugh with friends about. In the real world, in our modern society, it's irrelevant. And especially for someone as powerful and influential as you. You don't need to fake date. You can just say a word and all your problems will float away."

Kagami’s grip on Marinette’s hand tightened as she seethed through her teeth. "You have no idea what you’re talking about."

"Oh, don’t I? I’ve spent enough years in the same class with Chloe to see how people in your circle solve their problems."

"You shouldn’t put everyone in the same basket." Chloe stepped in, wrapping her arm around Kagami’s shoulder. She leaned closer to Kagami, their cheeks starting to glow at the contact, Kagami’s with a bee mark, Chloe’s with a dragon. 

To say Marinette was surprised was an understatement. 

"Just because we live in different circles doesn’t mean our lives are easy or that our problems always go away with a snap of our fingers," Chloe continued. "If you want to think of me like that, fine. Whatever. But not Adrien and certainly not Kagami." 

"I still fail to see the reason why someone would need to fake date." 

Before Chloe could start talking, Kagami cut her off with a wave of her hand. "Marinette, would you mind hearing me out? If you still want to walk away after what I have to tell you, neither of us will stop you."

Perhaps, this was the quickest way to get this over with. Maybe, she was curious herself as to what was going on between the three of them. Whatever it was, Marinette pulled up a chair, sat down and waited.

Kagami settled on a couch while Chloe leaned on its arm. "I was born and raised in Japan in a very conservative family where traditions were the law and whoever broke them was excommunicated forever. When I was fifteen, my mother and I moved to France, and I got to know the more liberal approach to life the French follow. I met Adrien through our parents’ business dealings. We became friends, and for the first time ever, someone could understand me, the life I was living, and the feelings I was suppressing. He wasn’t in any better of a situation at the time, but at least I was allowed to attend a private school. Adrien was kept locked inside his mansion. Later, I met Chloe and discovered the soulmate bond we shared. I was happy for the first time in my life. That is until my mother decided I had to marry one of her business partners’ sons for the sake of the family’s interests."

"A much older male," Chloe scoffed, scratching her nose. "Disgusting."

"Fifteen years older," Kagami confirmed. "And he lives in Japan which meant I would be forced to move back and lose not only my friends but also my soulmate. I would be expected to be an obedient, silent wife for the rest of my life, confined to looking after the house and birthing as many children as my husband wished."

"Ridiculous!" Chloe huffed. "Utterly ridiculous."

Kagami patted Chloe’s hand in a comforting gesture. "Perhaps if I’d never moved to France I would have gone along with her plans without complaining. However, after I had a taste of freedom and saw how happy I can be, I knew I couldn’t give up all of this. Give up Adrien and Chloe. Give up my dreams for the future. So, I panicked and said I was already secretly dating someone and didn’t tell her only because I wanted to make sure it was serious. Mother would’ve never agreed to let me stay if that person wasn’t from her list of approved potential spouses. A list made up of very influential and wealthy people. Adrien was one of them."

"He’s on the list of every Parisian mother." Chloe huffed. "Sucks to be him."

"I couldn’t say Chloe’s name," Kagami continued. "Mother isn't against same-sex relationships, but she considers them just ‘practice’ for the ‘real ones’ because, apparently,  I need a man as a life partner."

"As I said, ridiculous."

"So, I said Adrien’s name, then begged him to play along. We never thought it would get out of our circle. We even developed a plan for how to get me out unscathed and free. Adrien and I were supposed to only play a couple until my birthday in November when I became a legal adult by Japanese law. When that happened, I started transferring my funds to accounts my mother had no access to so I could walk away freely. But that takes time, and two weeks ago she found out and demanded an explanation for the transactions. She threatened to send me back to Japan immediately if she didn’t approve of what I had in mind. The transfers weren’t done yet and she had enough influence to stop it.

"I freaked out again and said Adrien and I were getting married, so I was gathering my personal funds into my own account that I planned to join with my husband’s after the wedding. I told her we were waiting for a special occasion to announce the engagement. She wasn’t buying it. She gave me a week to prove my words. She put a hold on all the transfers until then. It was Adrien who suggested we take it to the media. That way, she wouldn't doubt us, and she’d be somewhat pressured to let me stay in France, at least for the time being. Once the article was out, my mother released the funds, and as of last night, I’m a free woman.

"No one was ever going to announce an engagement. My things are being packed as we speak while my mother and I are out of the house. I won’t be going home with her. I’m moving in with Chloe, and, thanks to Adrien, I’m not doing so without a penny to my name. Adrien never meant to hurt you. He never looked any other woman's way. All he wanted was to help a friend." 

There wasn’t much Marinette could do but remain frozen in her seat, stunned at Kagami’s words. Her defences down, she hated to admit that everything Kagami had said made sense. There was a reason. A reason good enough to justify this whole thing. She couldn't hold this against Adrien. Heck, if any of Marinette’s friends were in Kagami’s shoes, she’d be fake proposing to them too. So, if everything that Kagami had told her was true, then…

"Marinette," Kagami spoke more gently, watching her with a lot less hostility. "For as long as I’ve known Adrien, every summer, every vacation he got, he was travelling to Milan, attending every fashion show and just wandering the streets in hopes of finding you. He painted over and publicly revealed his soulmate mark only because he’s desperate at this point. His father’s been pressuring him to date for publicity for years. He gave him a break when he thought we were a couple, but that ends tonight. And let me tell you, Gabriel Agreste is not the person to care for Adrien’s feelings and desires. He’ll make his life a living hell if Adrien continues to refuse to comply. Please, Marinette. Give him a chance. He deserves it."

"I’m giving him your number as a Christmas present tomorrow," Chloe spoke up. "You have until then to think about it. Let’s go, Kagami. It’s time to set Adrien free and show the world who your soulmate truly is."

"Right." Kagami stood up, giving Marinette one last glance. "The choice is yours, but you’d be a fool to walk away from a man like him. They don’t come as kind, loyal and loving as he is these days."

The door behind the pair closed, leaving only the sound of Marinette’s heart echoing in her ears. She could hardly move. If everything she’d just learned was true, she owed Adrien an apology and, if he wanted one, she owed him a chance. Because while she would definitely want a chance with the man Kagami had just described, she had to wonder if she deserved one at all. 

With a sigh, she stood up and headed back towards the kitchen. 

Later. She’d find him later. First, she had a job to finish and sweets to serve. The rest would have to wait. They’d waited for years. What would be another few hours?

Next >

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[baodurs]

i filled out this super cool button character profile by @extraordinarymage for sabrina! thank you for making this, it was a lot of fun to fill out <3 the bulk of it is under a cut and oh boy is it long !!!

Short, Quick Reference

Name: Sabrina Wiseman

Pronouns: She/her

Sexuality: Bisexual

Love Interest: Kent

Main personality trait: Confidence

Secondary personality trait: Morbidity

Relationship with Nick: Full of love, haunted by unaddressed guilt and frustration. But mostly full of love.

Nickname for Nick: Saint Nick (used sparingly)

Resentful or accepting?: Slightly resentful

Main strategy (interpersonal, insightful, innovative?): Insightful

Ethical or expedient?: Expedient

GENERAL

Name: Sabrina Larkspur Wiseman

Nickname(s): Sab, used by anyone; Sabby, only Nick and Sally; and, of course, Button for Nick.

Birthday: I think I made her an October Libra for the purpose of a template I did months ago, but I’m not sure! No concrete birthday yet, I’m always very slow to nail down details like this.

Age: 20

Pronouns: She/her

Sexuality: Bisexual

Hair color + style: Blonde. A little past shoulder length, sometimes wavy. Usually a middle part. For Aeon, tied back in a bun.

Eye color: Blue, entirely because of the section of Frank O’Hara’s “Meditations in an Emergency” that goes, “My eyes are vague blue, like the sky...”

Height: 5′5

Piercings: Multiple in each ear, but a couple have started to close.

Tattoos: None yet! Sab likes the idea of a tattoo but is worried about finding the perfect design, whether she’d end up hating it, that the pain might be greater than she expects and she’ll look like a baby in front of her tattoo artist. I’d like to think she eventually consults Sally and/or Glitch to come up with an idea that she falls in love with, but I haven’t come up with what that would be!

Clothing style: Mostly solid colors, not a lot of patterns. Nothing super bright, but a fairly varied mix of pastels, neutrals, dark colors, black. Partial to denim skirts and sweater tops. Ankle boots. Likes a good turtleneck. She’s bolder when it comes to formal wear, and especially loves suits. Big fan of silk and satin.

Since she has a pretty accurate face claim, I’ll link some gifsets I’ve rb’d for appearance ref if you are so inclined.

STATS

I’m always adjusting minor things and swapping scenes around, but these are from my most recent Sab run! Most scores hover somewhere around these values.

Personality:

Confidence: 53%

Humor: 5%

Morbidity: 22%

Resentful: 57% | Accepting: 43%

Strategy:

Interpersonal: 12%

Insightful: 50%

Innovative: 10%

Ethical: 43% | Expedient: 57%

KEY DECISIONS:

What is Nick’s nickname and why?: Saint Nick, used very rarely. It’s a joking reference to the time she thought Santa was an evil Ment out to ruin Christmas, and a point about Nick overdoing it with the cheer. “Saint Nick” is usually code for “I know you mean well, but please mind your own business.” Otherwise, she just calls him Nick.

What is their favorite type of cookie (and its name and why?): Salted caramel chocolate chip! No special name.

What was their initial reaction to Sally hugging them, as kids?: She just froze. That could just be me projecting adult Sabrina onto her childhood self; I don’t imagine that she was as uncomfortable around strangers or quite as cautious back then. But that’s what I’ll stick with.

How did they ace the ASE test?: The in-game option she takes is “My entire life has revolved around strategic avoidance,” but the one about being just plain smart also sounds like her. If Sab has the chance to thoroughly (over)prepare for something, she will do it. Her mind blindness also has her constantly (over)analyzing situations. So, hard work and relentless anxiety!

Did they manage to win their first assignment? How?: Yes, by having Sally block the door. I’ve headcanoned some slight differences in how it plays out, which I wrote about in-depth here. To summarize, Sab thinks of blocking the door as a desperate last resort, not a clever loophole, and she pushes back against Rosy’s praise because she wishes she could have done it the “real” way. Rosy goes from being impressed to being annoyed that she’s willfully missing the point.

What was the primary emotion Button felt during the Aeon bombing (love, gratitude, etc?): Guilt. She feels very guilty about how much Nick has given up for her in general, but I think that in the moment, it’s on a smaller scale. The fact that Nick was on the phone with her when it happened, coming to her rescue like always, becomes emblematic of their whole relationship for her, and she really fixates on that.

Who drove them home from the hospital from and why?: Glitch. Sab responds to her initial text with “Are you sure?”, and is relieved when Glitch takes that as “Yes, please.” She doesn’t relish the idea of being around someone more connected to her family or Nick at that point.

How do they feel about Nick riding around in their mind?: Worried, at first. Just because it’s so unknown and absolutely insane. After seeing Doctor Amari, she’s excited! Sab is thrilled to be a Pollard Five and intends to take full advantage of it. I am not looking forward to seeing how she reacts when that’s taken away from her.

Why did Button agree to do the undercover mission?: To prove she still deserves to be an MIV. Sabrina feels stupid and reckless for putting herself, Nick, and Aeon in this position, but she knows she’s smart, and she hasn’t worked this hard for nothing. She wants to prove what she could do with a normal Pollard Score and make herself too valuable to give up even when she’s back to Zero.

Told Glitch about your mind blindness?: Depends on the playthrough. I’m constantly going back and forth on whether Sab meets Glitch for coffee or wanders the city with Nick in her second chapter 5 slot (after trying to track down Kent). If she does meet Glitch, though, she absolutely tells her; with how touchy Sab is about privacy, she couldn’t stomach not warning Glitch that Nick could hear everything they said.

Figured out K’s secret?: Nope. She finds enough of the clues to be given the “I knew it!” option in-game, but she didn’t actually put it together. Sab is too angry and embarrassed by learning that Kent is an AMO to find any reason to interrogate it. “The random guy I met before school just happens to be a jerk” is a perfectly sound explanation to her.

Found Noh’s clues?: Not at the metro station. Sometimes she sees the Vengeance brooms in chapter 5 (again, depending on the playthrough), but that’s it.

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP:

Love Interest: Kent

Why them?: Sab feels an immediate kinship with Kent after learning about the NPO program. It’s kind of funny how quickly he moves from the least sympathetic position in her eyes (Ment who got past me and read my mind without my knowledge) to the most sympathetic (non-powered child of a prominent family aiming a league above where he “belongs”). A lot of new respect for his competence. Her fate is sealed when she realizes that his kindness at the hospital wasn’t him trying to make up for some wrongdoing, but just him being very sweet. (She had scoffed over “You needed help.” But now she’s like, “Oh. He meant that?! Fuck.”)

As they spend more time together, Sab realizes how weirdly similar they are in other ways, too. And she starts to feel safe/secure around him in a way that she’s extremely not used to. Growing up surrounded by Ments, Sab has a lot of issues about being too much, too difficult, needing to “be worthy” of love. So someone like Kent who is not a Ment, who has no “obligation” to care about her, and whose judgement she trusts implicitly? Being around him and being loved by him mean a lot, and I think will go a long way towards helping her reflect on her other relationships!

What are their first impressions of each other?: Okay, there are like 3 first impressions with Kent. First: he’s tall and handsome and secretly adorable, and they have similar career goals, so she’s drafting a five-month plan to woo him and get his number. Second: he’s a lying, self-obsessed loser who owes her many explanations. Third: oh no, the first impression was true! And he’s been continually, selflessly kind to her in spite of her overt hostility. Scratch the five-month plan, because the crush was only fun when it was entirely superficial; now she really, really likes him and that just sucks.

We know that Button makes a good impression on K by stopping for their dogs, but apart from that... I mean, the “we confused each other” from chapter 7 is very apt. Sab has lots of shifting personas, and Kent sees pretty much every one within 24 hours. The prevailing impression before everything gets cleared up is probably just that she cares a lot? About everything? Her stopping for the dogs, how seriously she takes the first assignment, the way she seems so deeply affected by something he said or did that morning. It’s a rare side of her to meet first because she usually pretends to be above everything.

What feature does your Button find most attractive in their RO (ex. appearance, personality, etc.)?: Probably his composure. And his... steadfastness? The way he seems unruffled by anything, his soothing presence. She really admires that about him and finds the calm contagious.

What do they do to spend time together?: Going on drives together! Kent driving while Sab plays songs she thinks he’ll like, talking or not talking. Cuddling on the couch while reading their own separate books. Museum dates. Walking the dogs together.

Do they argue? How do they handle arguments and disagreements? How do they make up?: I imagine that the first month or so of their relationship would be difficult, just because they’re both bad at expressing themselves and not used to relying on other people. Kent kind of negates a lot of Sab’s impulses to get defensive or hostile, so instead of arguments, I think there are more likely to be awkward periods where she’s just stewing in something without addressing it. Most of their fights would be, like, one of them becoming really distant for a concerning number of days until the other tries to awkwardly check in on them.

What does their future look like?: Uhh some random lore: I think eventually they do get married, despite neither of them caring that much about it. Sabrina would be excited to have something to plan, and she knows it would make the people around her happy. They have a long engagement; there’s never really an “official” proposal, just an acknowledgement that yeah, they’ll get married one day, and then eventually they get rings. The engagement is almost Sab’s favorite part, honestly. She likes planning and showing off her ring and calling Kent her fiancé, a lot of fanfare on her part for a wedding that ends up being very modest and chill.

OTHER RELATIONSHIPS (Feel free to go in depth!)

Relationship with Nick: When I first started developing Sab, I thought that with as difficult/prickly as she can be, her relationship with Nick would be worse than it is. Never bad, but certainly strained, with more jealousy/resentment on her side. However, she rejected this. She is resentful, but never towards Nick—she internalizes the negative parts of their relationship so they manifest as guilt instead. And that’s the problem, not resentment. Sab thinks he’s overprotective, but that doesn’t make her angry; it just makes her sad. She wishes things were different and he didn’t feel so responsible for her, but she also doesn’t know how she could manage without him taking on so many of her burdens. So, guilt! So much love, but always looming guilt.

Having Nick in her head has helped. It’s added a new kind of guilt (“I’m a horrible person for being so giddy that people can’t hear my thoughts even though that requires my brother to be in a coma”), but getting inside Nick’s head for once and really feeling his love for her changes things. Makes her feel way more secure, I guess? It’s easier to see her brother as human person, a friend who loves her, rather than a perfect selfless paragon who sacrificed everything to raise her, which is an important shift.

There are also Things happening with self-presentation in the fact that they’re both models, and flirts, and pretend to be shallow. And the ways that they’ve responded to vastly different expectations. And selflessness versus selfishness. But I have no idea how to talk about that yet.

Relationship with Father: Strained and distant. Sabrina doesn’t necessarily blame him for leaving, but she hates how he’s handled it. She’s incredibly frustrated that John insists on keeping them in this miserable limbo of uncomfortable visits, even though moving away was (to her) a tacit acknowledgement that she and her parents are better off without each other. He’s trying to force a relationship that Sab thinks is ultimately harmful for everyone involved. For Nick’s sake, she’s willing to grin and bear the visits, but it never works because John can obviously tell it’s an act. He pushes her, she gets defensive, and so on to infinity.

Relationship with Mother: Like with John, Sab doesn’t resent Hope for the incident itself, or for leaving afterward. It was terrifying, and the idea of being around Hope makes her panic—but she thinks of that as just another irrational anxiety symptom, and she’s trying to work through it. What she does resent Hope for is letting it get to that point at all. Sab is incredibly bitter that Hope will suffer silently to the point of almost killing her (during the incident) and potentially herself (with the BRS), while Sab has no choice but to be completely open. Especially because they’re so similar in that way—she’s almost jealous. “Oh, so your silence is allowed to almost kill me and it’s ‘nobody’s fault’ but I can’t pretend to enjoy a single lunch with Dad without him calling me out for lying?”

And even though she doesn’t hold the incident itself against her, Sab is very hung up on “Why are you never quiet? Why are you always there?” She knows, on some level, that this was not a Personal Judgement against her. But because Hope keeps so much quiet, this is the only honest expression of her mother’s feelings that she can remember! It would take a lot for Sab to believe that Hope was really, genuinely interested in reconnecting with her, rather than just pretending to love her "enough” this time because to do otherwise would reflect poorly on Hope as a mother.

Relationship with Sally: Besties <3 Sally is the only member of the Wiseman inner circle that Sab doesn’t have complicated feelings about. They both have hidden morbid streaks that they bring out in each other, and can laugh about. They both have competitive streaks that work well together because they’re always on the same team. And their wants/needs from the relationship complement each other well, I think. Sally has always felt valued because she’s useful and not because she’s loved, while Sab has always felt smothered by love/care without feeling like she genuinely adds value to other people’s lives. So it means a lot to both of them that they’re able to help each other practically, while also genuinely loving and supporting each other outside of that.

Relationship with Gray: Full of trust and genuine care, but predicated on distance. Sab loves him a lot for being so careful not to cross any boundaries, physical or emotional, with her. She’s grateful that he’s there for Nick in a way that she doesn’t feel she can be. But "I like Gray because he doesn’t push me and is good to Nick” means that any hand he extend makes her defensive, because she’ll either view him as an emissary of Nick or start to panic because their normal routine is being disrupted (she doesn’t tell him about Hope in ch 3, for example).

They get along very well in a friend-of-a-friend sort of way, and bond over being cautious counterparts to Nick. Also, Sab never had a crush on Gray, but she is not immune to tall superhero and thinks it’s fun to fake flirt with him. (You know Isabela’s “You have pretty eyes” routine from DA2? Sab does that to Gray when conversations steer towards things she’d rather not talk about.)

Relationship with Glitch: I’m really excited about these two! They click from the start, and Sabrina feels immediately comfortable around Glitch, which makes her feel distinctly uncomfortable whenever she catches herself. Externally, they have pretty different personalities, but they’re both perceptive and... socially manipulative? aware of their self-presentation?... in ways that they both pick up on right away. So it’s a lot of conversational maneuvering and trying to figure out what the other’s game is, while also genuinely enjoying each other’s company.

Relationship with Kent/Kenna: I could go truly insane here. See the romance section above instead.

Relationship with Kim: Sab wants him to like her sooooo bad. He’s one of the only people to ever really get through to her, re: my headcanon conversation after the first assignment. Authority figures tend to treat her as special, whether that’s negatively because of her mind blindness or positively because she’s such an overachiever. She had no idea how to respond to that not being the case (and didn’t handle it well at first), but chapter 6 solidifies her respect for him.

It also turns Rosy’s opinion of Sab around; he was impressed by her in class but left his office thinking she was self-absorbed and naive. But the bombing is a reality check, and her response is very measured and practical in a way that surprises him.

Relationship with Lev: She doesn’t mind the comparisons to Nick or the “maybe one day they’ll fix you” comments as much as you might think. They aren’t her favorite, but she prefers that sort of thing to the inspirational platitudes belied by coddling that she got from her family growing up. Sab has fond memories of Lev and is grateful that he’s always been kind to her, but doesn’t have any particular feelings apart from that.

Relationship with Clarence: Holds a grudge against him for causing a scene, making her late, and generally being a jerk. But she can’t fault him for being right, after what happened! Mostly she just wants to avoid him, but she’ll be thrilled to lord her success over him if/when she proves herself.

Relationship with Dean Branham: Like Rosy, another authority figure that Sab desperately wants to impress. But without the personal investment she has in Rosy’s validation, more “Oh, this person is in charge, so I should make her like me!” Despite Nick’s and Rosy’s reservations, Sabrina doesn’t really have a problem with being “strongarmed” or manipulated into cooperating; for now, she figures Branham was just doing her job and respects her tactics.

Relationship/attitude towards Ments in general: Mostly just uncomfortable and wary around them. Sab doesn’t want her mind read, and she figures that no Ment wants to be forced to read it either. So she has a pretty strict “no Ments” rule for close personal relationships (excluding Nick, Sally, and Gray, of course. But only Nick really counts because he’s the only one who can hear her thoughts whenever she’s nearby). Not out of hatred or resentment, just because she knows it will be easier for everyone in the long run.

Do they have any other important relationships, past or present? (Relatives, friends, etc.?): Not many, but yes! Sab dated around a lot in the 2 years before Aeon (more like year and a half, because she completely shut it down once she was more focused on preparing for the MIV program), but there are 2 relationships that were formative/important for her. A high school sweetheart, and someone Sab met through modeling. She doesn’t keep up with her high school ex, but the model is her best friend outside of Sally and Nick, and they still keep in touch! I’m still developing them/the relationships, and I’ll probably post more about them someday. They’re fun!

PERSONAL BIO

Describe their personality: Confusing and contradictory. She has two main modes that confuse people who meet both (e.g., Kent). She’s either cold, stuck-up, and sometimes hostile, OR she’s charming, frivolous, and sometimes flirty. Mode 1 is tense but stoic and inexpressive; mode 2 is seemingly relaxed but very posed and insincere. Mode 1 is for when she feels uncertain or has no agenda apart from “get to point B”; mode 2 is for when she’s more comfortable or trying to manipulate someone. Her actual personality is a bit closer to the second, but she doesn’t pretend not take things seriously or hide when she’s annoyed.

Strengths: Analytical, methodical, detail-oriented. Very driven and hardworking. May not always act like it, but does have social skills/charisma; a great liar, if you can’t read her mind. Unfailingly loyal and loving to her favorite people, so so so warm and affectionate and supportive if she really loves you. Very perceptive.

Weaknesses: Way too proud. Can be petty and vindictive. Self-absorbed (she doesn’t mean anything by it, but it’s hard for her to see past herself sometimes). Stubborn, hates being wrong. And... emotional isn’t the word, but strong negative emotions can really cloud her judgement. It ties into her being proud, petty, and stubborn; if she’s really upset about something, she can cling to that emotion instead of re-evaluating it or moving forward.

Phobias: From this ask about the phobias that are planned to show up in-game, there are a few that I could see fitting Sab, but I want to wait to see how they’re implemented before I fully commit. Which is very metagame-y, I know (and I am very metagame-y about IF), but “fear of X” is so broad that it really does depend on when/how it manifests in the text.

That being said, agoraphobia is almost a lock; crowds do make Sab very anxious if she can’t keep track of everyone within a certain distance, and if she can’t leave when she starts feeling antsy. Claustrophobia is a maybe. The choice that triggers it (in chapter 4, about hating MRI machines) suits Sab, but I’m not sure if she hates MRI machines because she hates tight spaces, or if it’s more related to her general anxiety about hospitals, medical tests, etc. Which she definitely has!

What activities/club did they do in school?: She avoided anything group-oriented as far as possible. She took piano (maybe violin?) lessons and did recitals, but wasn’t in orchestra. The one exception was maybe National Honor Society or some equivalent, which she would have joined for her resume’s sake. And I think she would have tutored!

Where do they escape to when they need space?: A little used library corner, where she can people watch without being seen/heard.

How do they feel about/cope with their mind blindness?: Sab hates it but tries not to dwell on it. She knows that it’s no one’s fault, and she mainly just tries to... minimize it? Drown out her thoughts, limit her contact with Ments. And, least healthily, very rigidly managing herself. Because there’s so much of her that exists outside of herself, without her control, she tries to either filter or completely suppress everything else. Part of why she got into modeling, she can perform and be perfect and have total control over the final product of her body in the photographs for whatever campaign. Some Day This Will Be Better. But definitely not where she is in current canon.

How has your Button changed since the Incident with Hope?: Developed many new anxieties and disorders and syndromes :) She also became way more self-conscious, as in literally conscious of and way more tightly monitoring herself, what she’s thinking, what she’s expressing, how she’s sitting, etc. Less emotive face, more rigid posture.

If they weren’t an Aeon student, what would they be doing?: Sab would have beaten herself up forever if she “proved everyone right” by avoiding Unity/Ments entirely, so she’d want to stay in the family business somehow. She probably would have ended up doing scientific research on mental agility. Maybe even working for Mirrortech or some other biotech company, which I imagine would have been an interesting conversation to have with the family.

RANDOM FACTS:

Zodiac sign: Like I said, I assigned her Libra months ago for the sake of a template. But I don’t know enough about astrology to commit. Libra or Leo, probably.

Hobbies: Music, reading poetry, “cooking” (i.e., sitting on the counter and not helping while Nick makes dinner)

Likes: Watching other people (Nick) play video games, dressing up, taking long showers/baths, dark chocolate with caramel, back hugs

Dislikes: Being patronized, hot weather, going to the doctor, driving, doing anything she is not good at

Type of bedsheets: Bamboo.

Drink of choice: Cucumber mint lemonade! For hot drinks, some kind of caramel coffee. For alcohol, she refuses to get drunk because she’s terrified of having even less control of her mental broadcast, but at home/around people she trusts she’ll have a glass or two of wine. Doesn’t know enough to be picky, but doesn’t like it too sweet.

Favorite food: Probably some pasta dish Nick makes with asparagus and tomatoes and a lot of garlic.

Favorite color: Like a light turquoise!

Favorite music: Music to her was another mind-shielding tactic before anything else, so she tends to like upbeat-ish electronic/pop stuff. Catchy and repetitive, and/or with lots of personality to drown out her own thoughts. On the other end of the spectrum, she does have a soft spot for crackly, lo-fi, old or old-sounding slow songs—something about fuzzy recordings simulating a weak telepathic signal.

Favorite season: Hmm, spring and autumn are both good. She likes either side of winter.

Anything else you’d like to share: My heart and a long, fulfilling marriage, with anyone who reads all this 💍

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #234: The Witch’s Tale!

August, 1983

“Seasons of the Witch!”

If Wanda offers you a free Halloween mask, politely tell her no thanks.

A lot going on in this cover. Because this is one of those issues that summarizes a character’s continuity because wikipedia doesn’t exist yet and back issues aren’t super easy to get. 

Last time: There was an Avengers/Fantastic Four sorta crossover where Annihilus tried to blow up the universe. The primary fallout of that is that Vision walked into a null-field and then collapsed. He’s basically in a robot-coma recovering.

This time: the Avengers bring Vision home in a tube.

It looks like the kind of coffin you shoot into space but it’s not. It’s just a life-support capsule that looks like a space coffin.

Now though it sucks that Vision is in a robot coma, this does mean that he and Wanda are back involved with the book again. We briefly checked in with them during the Trial of Yellowjacket arc.

But we’ve been pretty short of Scarlet Witch and Vision since #211 when they left the team to try to have a go at a regular life. I’ll summarize in brief how that’s been at the appropriate time. Point being, that’s twenty some issues with a very low amount of my second favorite comic couple.

She-Hulk and Thor carry the capsule into the basement of Avengers Mansion because that’s where their medical center is. The basement. Of course. Why wouldn’t you put your medical center in the basement. Best place for it.

Wanda thanks Wasp for inviting her (and Vision) to stay at the Mansion when they could have stayed at the Baxter Building.

Wasp: “Nonsense! That place was left in a mess by Annihilus! Besides, the Avengers take care of their own!”

(Tangentially, the Avengers have always been more of a family to Wanda than anyone else aside from Django and Marya Maximoff who raised her and Pietro. The Avengers are Wanda’s family basically.)

Also, it’s not said anywhere but I feel like probably Reed Richards never did do that procedure that was supposed to help Vision recover more quickly as distracted as he was by Franklin’s injuries.

While Wanda hovers (metaphorically) around Vision’s tube, Wasp reflects on how hard this is hitting her.

Wasp: “She and the Vision were such a strange match, but they’ve been so devoted to each other their marriage worked -- !”

Oof, that bold hurts, Jan.

Wanda asks for some time alone with her husband so the Avengers leave the basement level medical center, all thinking thoughts as often happens.

Wasp feels guilty because she’s the one that called Wanda and Vision into action but justifies that they were needed. Even though they didn’t really accomplish much.... Kinda makes it worse.

Captain America asks Thor off to have a private chat.

Captain Marvel laments that they couldn’t destroy the field before Vision was injured. And Starfox muses about the sensitivity he senses from Captain Marvel.

Kinda wondering if Stern is trying to set up a love triangle between Starfox, Captain Marvel, and She-Hulk.

Speaking of She-Hulk.

She-Hulk: Any of us could’ve wound up in a tube... or on a slab. But that’s the risk we have to take!

A very typically She-Hulk of this era kind of thought. She’s very direct.

Wasp calls a rain-check on apartment hunting. Which is what she and She-Hulk were doing before the whole invisible dome thing.

And She-Hulk finds other ways to occupy her time.

She-Hulk: “Hey, Starfox! You have any plans for tonight?”

Starfox: “Well, I’d considered checking out the local sights, but if you have a better offer -- !”

She-Hulk: “Spaceman, I can show you some things you won’t believe!”

She’s very direct.

Over at Captain America and Thor’s private conversation, Captain America catches Thor up on the happenings re: Iron Man, i.e. Tony Stark.

Cap(tain America): “It’s Iron Man, Thor... the Wasp and I paid him a visit to find out why he’d resigned from the Avengers. I... don’t quite know how to say this, but... Tony Stark hasn’t just left the Avengers! He’s given up his identity as Iron Man... turned his armor over to another man!”

Thor: “Eh? ‘Tis most passing strange!”

Cap: “That’s not the only thing that’s ‘most passing strange!’ When we talked to him, Stark was so drunk, I’m surprised he was able to stand up! And when I suggested that he’d had too much to drink, he ordered Jan and me out of his apartment!”

Turns out that off-panel at some point, Tony confided his problems with alcoholism to Thor.

Another example of the close relationship that Thor and Iron Man used to have and lamentably don’t seem to have anymore.

Cap even says that Thor has known Tony longer than the rest of the Avengers. While Wasp has been on the team just as long as Thor has, yeah, Thor has known the man in Iron Man longer.

So Cap asks Thor to try to talk to Tony because maybe he could get through to him.

Thor: “I could try, Captain! But if he rejected your advice, while under the influence, I fear for my ability to do better!”

Cap: “What about your mortal identity? Maybe if you approached him as Dr. Don Blake... man to man...”

Thor: “Mayhap. I shall give this thought.”

Thor then hammer-whirl flies off, leaving Cap to think about whether there’s anything additional that he could do, maybe in Iron Man #172, which was on sale at the same time.

Since this issue is otherwise going to be a lot of recapping Scarlet Witch’s entire life, why not pop into another book briefly for some additional content?

I’m the boss and I’ll allow it.

So over in Iron Man in general and issue #172 specifically, Tony Stark is on hard times. We know about the alcoholism and Rhodey taking over as Iron Man. But a man called Obadiah Stane is also attempting an incredibly hostile takeover of Stark International. He’s bought up all the company’s debt (and it has a lot), he has a bunch of civil suits pending against the company, and he’s secretly been the architect behind Tony Stark’s imploding life. That and Tony himself. Takes two to implode.

The last hope Stark Int. has is a writ that will force Stane to back off for a week or two. It’s not a lot but it’ll be some breathing room. Only problem is that it needs Tony Stark’s notarized signature before 5 PM and they kinda lost track of him after he broke into a museum to put on some knight armor and had to be bailed out of jail.

Rhodey decides to call Captain America for help and that’s how we get the asterisk indicating that you should check out Iron Man #172.

Cap does find Tony but unfortunately, Tony slips away in the confusion when an old Iron Man foe called Firebrand (unfortunately not a gargoyle) sets the hotel on fire because he’s just incredibly pissed off at the idea of Tony Stark.

Cap’s less-nice confrontation with Tony about his drinking is decent drama (but possibly not the right tactic to take) though so have some of that.

Anyway. Back to Avengers.

Meanwhile, over on Long Island and at the Cross Technological Enterprises building, industrial espionage gets aggressive as some men in jumpsuits and balaclavas climb the building to sneak in.

One of them is worried because that Avenger guy Hawkeye is in charge of security but the boss is like pssh Hawkeye is a chump with a broken leg.

Then Hawkeye arrives on a hover scooter because insulting Hawkeye probably just summons him to prove you wrong. He has that kind of contrarian energy at times.

He shoots all of their guns out of their hands and pins them to the wall with arrows all before they can really do anything.

His leg may be broken but his arms aren’t. And those are the limbs that do archery.

Sure, his style is slightly harshed by having only one swashbuckler boot on but that still doesn’t stop him from shooting arrows.

A woman and a photographer show up instantly to take pictures of Hawkeye’s cool victory. Apparently the woman is Sheila Danning and she says that she’s in charge of PR for Cross Technological Enterprises.

People showing up to take pictures of how cool he is makes Hawkeye feel very appreciated so he happily poses for some pictures with the captured intruders.

I feel like this is going to end up related to the Hawkeye solo miniseries that’s published around this time. The events of the miniseries cost Hawkeye his hearing but gain him a wife. So we’ll call it a net positive for Clint.

I’ll possibly summarize the relevant parts of the series when it becomes relevant to Avengers, which I’m sure it will.

Several hours later, back over at Avengers Mansion, She-Hulk wakes up after a night with Starfox.

So let’s discuss a thing.

In a later She-Hulk series, the moral iffyness of Starfox’s ability to shoot pleasure at people’s brains and make them become infatuated with him is explored. In a legal sense. As in, Starfox gets put on trial for sexual assault and accused of using his powers to seduce people.

The question is raised whether he had ever used his powers to seduce She-Hulk in regards to them getting together like this in Avengers. And when he won’t give her a straight answer, she beats the shit out of him.

Eventually, the case goes all the way up to the Living Tribunal, the cosmic judge of all realities because of course there’s one of those, and a mind probe proves that Starfox did not use his abilities to influence She-Hulk’s decision to have sex with him.

They’re both just horny people.

Anyway, Starfox and She-Hulk get on first name non-codename basis with each other. Then Starfox takes off to go explore New York, but he and She-Hulk do make plans to get together again in the evening.

She-Hulk’s post-implied-coitus giddiness is rained on when she learns that Wanda hasn’t slept at all and has spent the whole night at Vision’s side.

So now its time for She-Hulk brand very direct friendship.

She tells Jarvis to go make breakfast and she’ll deal with Wanda.

As we saw in and about the Trial of Yellowjacket, She-Hulk doesn’t really beat around the bush.

So when Wanda says she’d rather stay at Vision’s side rather than get breakfast, She-Hulk grabs her and tries to physically drag her towards self-care.

She-Hulk: “Look, watching your hubby won’t make him get well any faster. You’re coming with me! You’ll feel a lot better with a little breakfast in you!”

It doesn’t go over well.

Wanda blasts She-Hulk away and now Jen and Wanda are angry at each other and Wasp arrived just in time to play baffled mediator.

She-Hulk: “I hope you have a good dentist, Red!”

Wasp: “Jennifer!”

She-Hulk: “She started it, Wasp! I was just showing her some hospitality, and she sent me flying with her crummy hex bolts!”

Scarlet Witch: “What?! You physically pull me from my husband’s side, and you call that hospitality?!?”

Wasp: “Girls, girls! We’re all friends here! I know how upset you must be, Wanda, but you mustn't let worry get the better of you! I think we all need a spot of breakfast! Please join me, Wanda. The She-Hulk will relieve you at watching over the Vision... we all will!”

She-Hulk: “That’s what I was trying to tell her!”

Jen’s heart was in the right place but she lacks much in the way of tact?

Anyway, Wasp and Wanda set up in the library and Jarvis brings breakfast pastries to them, though Wanda refuses any.

Free breakfast aggros Captain Marvel and now she’s here too. That and She-Hulk trying to make up through a proxy.

Captain Marvel: “A little bird told me that you were serving your continental special, and I just couldn’t stay away!”

Wasp: “A little bird, C.M.?”

Captain Marvel, whispering: “Well, a big bird! She-Hulk radioed me that the Scarlet Witch was still a little down, and suggested that I might be of help, cheering her up!”

You have a good heart, Jen-Hulk.

Also, Monica just beams right in through the library window as a sunbeam before forming back into her human shape. And that’s delightful. But would be startling. Jarvis is startled. He’s seen it all but all keeps expanding.

Monica and Wanda briefly bond over both speaking French when Monica praises that Jarvis’ pastries rival the best of the French Quarter. Jan is a bit lost because she doesn’t know any French but Monica and Wanda were just very excited because they don’t get to French very often. The language.

AND with the ice broken, Monica smoothly shifts topics over to asking Wanda about herself.

Captain Marvel: “You know, there’s so much I’d like to ask you. I’ve read all about you in the files, of course -- but they’re so impersonal. You’ve led such a fascinating life.”

Scarlet Witch: “Fascinating? I suppose... but I was too young to appreciate some of the more fantastic moments.”

AND THEN WANDA LEGIT, NO FURTHER PROMPTING, STARTS NARRATING HER WHOLE LIFE STARTING FROM BIRTH.

DAMN WANDA, exposition under pressure?

So Wanda tells Monica about how she was born in WUNDAGORE, a Balkan mountain in Transia with a super-advanced city built on it. The High Evolutionary was making furries for reasons which escape me but it explains why a cow-woman answered the door when Magda, supposedly Wanda’s mom although that has changed, came knocking on the door.

She was double pregnant and on the run from a husband who had developed terrible problems and an attitude problem.

The cow-woman Bova, invited Magda into the city and helped deliver her children Pietro and Wanda. And then Magda walked off into the snow to die, pulling a Padme-on-purpose-but-years-ahead-of-time by dying just after having twins.

Her thought process was that Mystery Husband would come looking for her but if he found her frozen in the snow, he wouldn’t find out that she’d had children? I dunno, this logic is a bit spurious.

I’m glad that Wanda’s current in the year 2021 real mom isn’t someone who walked off into the snow to die because it seemed like a good idea.

Showing what an awful idea this was, Magda left Wanda and Pietro in the care of Bova who had no idea what to do with two babies. So she took the matter to the High Evolutionary who also didn’t want to deal with it and decided to dump the babies on a childless Roma couple.

High Evolutionary: ‘DOES ANYBODY WANT SOME BABIES?’

Except the comic doesn’t say Roma, they say the g-slur. I don’t think Marvel ever stops doing that. Its a weird case where the portrayal is overall sympathetic but tinged with stereotypes and using a slur.

Shape up, Marvel.

I also notice that Wanda’s recap leaves out Fake Dad Robert Frank, the Whizzer.

The first time Wanda’s parentage was Totally Revealed For Real, it was revealed that not only Magda but Robert and Madeline Joyce Frank were hanging around Wundagore waiting to give birth.

I’ve already been into it before but originally it was just the Franks kids but the Whizzer whizzed off in grief when he learned his wife died in childbirth. Then when someone got it into their head to retcon otherwise, Magda was at Wundagore and gave birth to twins and then the High Evolutionary had Bova try to give the kids to Robert but he ran off in his grief so shrugged and passed them off to Django and Marya Maximoff AKA the real parents even if not biological.

To editorialize, the Maximoffs actually raised Wanda and Pietro so no matter what, I’ll always consider them the twins’ real parents.

Anyway, the Franks aren’t part of this retelling. Which is funny because for a while Wanda thought the Whizzer was their dad and treated him like one and now she’s dumped him like raw meat for ease of retelling. Tsk tsk.

So, Wanda and Pietro lived a good life and “better parents could hardly have been found.” Then when adolescence happened, Pietro suddenly could run really fast and Wanda “discovered that strange, unpredictable things would happen if I was in a certain frame of mind and gestured in a particular way.”

That’s a pretty specific mutant power. And she relates that she kept causing accidents by gesturing in the particular way while in a certain frame of mind, it’s like, Wanda, don’t gesture that way? Get mittens or tie your fingers together. Its not hard.

Your powers are so specific!

Stereotypes happen and an angry mob burns down the Maximoffs’ camp.

Pietro ran Wanda to safety and the shock was so great that they got AMNESIA.

Marya, I think, died but Django survived and went a little mad with grief, assuming he lost his wife and kids.

For a couple years, Wanda and Pietro just kicked it around Eastern Europe, Pietro using his superspeed to catch game. Things were going okay but not great up until the time that Wanda wandered into a village and made the fuck-things-up gesture and whoops fucked things up.

I’m telling you, Wanda, mittens.

Anyway, she set a house on fire, WITH HER MIND, and now there’s an angry mob after her assuming that she’s a witch.

As sometimes happens in Marvel Eastern Europe.

The mob chased Wanda to camp where Pietro lost his shit and superspeed tried to beat up a mob but wound up getting pinned down and beaten.

Then Magneto showed up and yanked all the crude farming implements away and told the mob to gtfo.

Magneto: “Come no further, homo sapiens! The two whom you attack are under the protection of Magneto!”

An idiot: “With power such as his, he can only be Satan himself!”

An idiot who has the right idea: “Run! Run for your lives!”

Wanda thanks Magneto for the save and he demands “Let neither of you ever forget what you owe me... ever!”

Cool. Cool cool cool.

Wanda: “He took us in... fed and clothed us... but never did he show us any human kindness. We were supposed to be above that, he said... we were mutants, and under his tutelage, we became Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch!”

What a dick.

Anyway, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver were forced to join Magneto and his other agents Toad and Mastermind.

Magneto’s Brotherhood clashed with the X-Men multiple times. And then the Stranger just sorta yoinked Magneto into space.

Early X-Men is a bafflement to me.

Wanda: “Our debt had been repaid to Magneto many times over. We were beholden to him no longer... We were free. And... we were alone. We had just begun to realize the potential of our mutant powers, but we did not know how best to use them. Cut off from Magneto’s cruel exploitation, we didn’t know what to do. I don’t know what would have become of us, had we not been accepted as Avengers! The Avengers gave purpose to our lives, gave us something to be part of.”

Anyway, being on the Avengers meant dangers and foes to fight but it also meant allies, friends, and ROBOT BOYFRIENDS.

Wanda: “Were it not for the Avengers, I might never have met the Vision! He was the product of a laboratory -- and many thought him to be inhumanely cold -- but I grew to love the warm, feeling inner man.”

Of course, if you tell Vision he has feelings he gets mad and insists NUH UH.

And dating Vision pissed off Quicksilver who basically disowned Wanda for a while.

But who gives a fuck what Pietro says, Wanda also learned WITCHCRAFT and (although not explicitly mentioned) how to summon METEORS TO SMASH HER FOES.

And she got married in a double ceremony where the other bride married a tree! That tree part doesn’t get mentioned.

After this, Wanda and Vision went on a short honeymoon but found that the hashtag Avengers life kept them so busy that they didn’t have a lot of time to themselves.

Then Real Dad Django Maximoff showed up and Wanda and Pietro went with him to Transia to learn their backstory.

Annnnnd Wanda got possessed by Chthon. Won’t be the first time ha ha.

Thankfully, the Avengers managed to do a care bear stare to unpossess her. Oh, and Django died. A misstep if you ask me. There was too much character potential to just kill him off after one arc.

Alas, alas.

Anyway, the recap skips over a whole bunch of stuff and doesn’t mention Moondragon’s role but we get to the point where Wanda and Vision quit the Avengers.

Wanda: “When the Vision and I were finally reunited, our thoughts began to turn inward. Our life with the Avengers was fulfilling, but apart from our careers, we had no real private life of our own. Would society accept us on our own, away from Avengers Mansion? We didn’t know -- but we had to at least try to find out. Taking our accrued Avengers salaries, we bought a modest little home in Leonia, New Jersey.”

So a brief recap of their adventures in the first Vision and Scarlet Witch miniseries.

In the first issue, Captain America’s Halloween housewarming gift of a cursed book winds up being cursed and contains Samhain. When Wanda didn’t immediately free him, he got angry and turned some trick or treaters into monster versions of their costumes to attack Vision while Samhain attacked Wanda. She manages to set the cursed tome on fire, ending Samhain’s power. FOR NOW. Then Not-Actually-Their-Father-But-Doesn’t-Know-It-Yet the Whizzer shows up.

In issue two, the Whizzer is looking for Wanda’s help in regaining custody of his son Nuklo the Nuclear Man. With their help, Whizzer manages to get the court to agree to release Nuklo to his custody. But the lead doctor managing Nuklo is secretly ISBISA! ... Y’know, the Whizzer’s old foe from his All-Winner’s Squad days? No? Okay, well he also masterminded the nuclear ‘accident’ that led to Nuklo’s birth in the first place. And now he’s back to finish the job with radiation siphoned from Nuklo. In anger at Wanda being drawn into Golden Age drama, Vision reveals that Wanda isn’t the Whizzer’s kid but it little matters because Whizzer has a massive heart attack and dies. Nuklo helps defeat Isbisa and both of them are drained of atomic power leaving them human. Oh and Vision’s arm gets melted off. That’s kinda important.

In issue three, Vision is in a robot coma and he needs an energy donation from Wonder Man, his brain brother, to recover. Comic books! Vision has a meaning laden coma dream where Ultron screams at him a lot. Grim Reaper attacks and tries to kill Vision and Wonder Man while they’re incapacitated because he has one character beat and its that. But Vision manages to subdue him.

In issue four, is the pertinent one for this issue.

I’m going to say, I think the second Vision and Scarlet Witch series is better. This was a series of loosely related mishaps. The second volume does more with Vision and Scarlet Witch living in suburbia as a concept.

Anyway, in the fourth issue and in this Avengers recap of Wanda’s entire life, after Vision lost his arm, he and Wanda went up to Attilan to get it replaced. Because the Inhumans can casually just build him a new arm that works with his powers.

And people say the Inhumans aren’t good for anything.

While on the moon, Wanda and Vision decide to visit with Pietro and Crystal and their new daughter Luna. Pietro was even not a dick to Vision. It was a nice moment until Magneto barged in and started a fight by insisting he wasn’t here to fight while trapping everyone inside the building. Also, he threatened Bova to get information on who his kids were and frankly, that’s unforgivable. Bova is an angel. A cow angel.

They fight fight fight and then the fight is ended when Luna cries and Magneto realizes he’s doing a big superhero/supervillain fight in the same room as a fragile child and realizes ‘wow maybe i’m the dick here.’

Now the Vision and Scarlet Witch series ends with the internal-reveal that MAGNETO is the father (for now) of Wanda and Pietro. Magneto asking them to accept him as such. And on a confused moment of ‘shit what now.’

The Avengers issue picks up on that and finishes out the scene.

While Wanda is too stunned to know what to say, Pietro has some choice words.

He snatches his daughter away from Magneto and tells him fuck off, you’re no father to me.

Magneto’s argument is ‘hey genetics is the only thing that matters you’re my son like it or not.’

Pietro’s counter argument is ‘nuh uh’ and that Django Maximoff is the only man he calls father. And Wanda agrees.

Its good to see some Django respect.

Magneto tells them they’ll see the error of their ways and flies off.

Which is the wrong tack to take to prove that you’ve changed and are ready to get some good dadding in and won’t kill your granddaughter for being a human.

He’s super bad at this.

After that, Wanda and Vision went home to New Jersey and just stayed at home for a while, Wanda was so horrified by the reveal.

Wanda: “Even now, I can hardly begin to express the horror, the shame! It’s as if I suddenly discovered Hitler lurking in my family tree! Part of me wishes that he is really sincere about tempering his hatred for non-mutant humans. But even if he was telling the truth, that can never excuse his past crimes... Nothing can!”

Its really surprising how ready people are in-universe to compare Magneto to Hitler. From Wanda to Cap to Xorn.

Wasp: “Wanda... you mustn’t torture yourself this way! Magneto has no claim on you, and you’re certainly not responsible for him! I know it must be tough, but you can’t let him ruin the rest of your life!”

These are helpful things to tell Wanda to calm her down.

Less helpful is when Wasp speculates that hey maybe it was okay not to believe Magneto when he said he’s changed because maybe he’ll become worse! Maybe his newfound tolerance of humanity will lead him to try to save humanity from itself rather than wipe it out. In reference to how Moondragon tried to do that on that planet we never heard from again.

Wanda: “Heaven help us, if such a thought occurs to Magneto!”

I’m pretty sure he’s going to be too busy in the near future trying to be teacher to the most death-prone idiots this side of Westchester. And then after that when he decides to be evil again, he’s going to do some nonsense with Asteroid M. But I don’t think he ever hits the ‘save humanity from itself’ point.

Anyway.

Wasp and Captain Marvel reassure Wanda that if Magneto Strikes Again the Avengers will be with her!

The following day, Wanda returns to Leonia, New Jersey to put together a suitcase of stuff since she’s going to be staying at Avengers Mansion for a while.

Wanda: “Jan was nice enough to offer me a few of her things, but they’re all too small for my figure. And that robe the She-Hulk lent me last night fit like a tent!”

Wasp and Scarlet Witch usually look the same size and shape but that’s important canon body shape information for someone, I guess. If they wanted to draw Avengers But Not All The Same Paper Dolls character designs.

Anyway, the issue really ends with Dr Strange showing up to pull Wanda into a crossover with his own book in Doctor Strange #60.

Ergh. This era sure has a lot of stuff going off on the sides.

I’ll synopsize Scarlet Witch’s time in Doctor Strange’s book if it becomes necessary but I’ve already looked at five non-Avengers issue for this post and am probably going to have to cover the Hawkeye series in brief too when it intersects with Avengers.

Follow @essential-avengers​ for grudging contextualization of everything that’s happening in Avengers, when I feel like it. Like and reblog if you liked.

[cicada-bones]

The Warrior and the Embers

Chapter 22: Burnout

Masterlist / Ao3 / Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

The following week was filled with preparations for Beltane, a night of fire and food and dancing. A night practically made for the wild princess.

Spring would soon begin to wane, the rains washing away and giving over to the wild blossoms and bounty of summer. Beltane was a celebration of this change, where all came together to honor the fire goddess, and to pray for a prosperous harvest.

Fae across the world would be laying out offerings to the Little Folk, decorating hawthorn bushes, raising maypoles, and preparing feasts. In the evening, small fires would be ignited to allow a few brave souls to jump across. It was said jumping would bring luck, and ensure a good crop or a healthy birth. Fae used it to pray to the gods for whatever they desired most, and sometimes, the gods would listen. Of course most of the time, they stayed infuriatingly silent.

Rowan had never put much stock in the idea, though Lyria had always loved the celebrations, and he had tolerated them for her sake. Not that she spent much time leaping over fires. The pair of them had usually spent the time eating and listening to music, or dancing barefoot in the grass, their fingers entwined, feet clumsy and awkward, as far from the flames as they could get. Lyria didn’t love Beltane for its fires: she loved the holiday for what it meant – the end of the relentless mountain snows and the return of the flowers in her garden.

Rowan almost flinched. It had been a long time since he had thought of that garden, since he could remember its wild expanse without the pain forcing the images away. But now he could see every lovely petal, every tenacious weed, and instead of Lyria’s screams echoing in his mind, he could almost sense her presence on his skin, almost hear her soft laugh. And though the sound unearthed an ache deep in his chest, it was not unbearable.

After her death, Rowan avoided Beltane – or any celebration, really – instead spending the time holed up and trying to forget, usually by drowning himself in alcohol. On nights like this, where so many were turning to the comfort of their partners, it was so much harder to forget that he was alone, to forget what he had lost.

Though recently, it had gotten much easier to do so. So much so that he could now even think of Lyria, could remember his time with her, without completely falling apart. Usually, she was a small hole at the back of his mind, always there – but most of the time he could get through the day without having to acknowledge it. Now, Rowan could go whole days without thinking of her, entire hours where his forgetfulness wasn’t forced, but easy. Natural.

Rowan didn’t want to think too hard about the cause of that new ease.

Aelin had spent the past few days practicing harder than Rowan had yet seen. She was throwing herself into the work, and slowly but surely, she was improving. Even if Emrys was keeping Aelin back later and later each day to help prepare the Beltane feast, making her later and later each morning.

Not that the princess was complaining – Rowan caught her sneaking extra food off of overloaded plates at least half a dozen times. The magic he had her performing was exhausting, so he didn’t really blame her. Particularly as it meant that he no longer had to haul quite so much food up the mountain to help sustain her while they practiced. It was the little things.

Aelin was improving, but not as fast as she could be. She was still far from ready to go to Doranelle, and though she had mastered her shift, those iron bars limiting her power had not shifted one inch, and she still struggled to access her magic around them. Aelin worked best under some kind of pressure, when others were dependent upon her self-control.

Beltane was a celebration of fire, and Aelin was its Heir. Perhaps Rowan could figure out a safer way to use the princess’ drive to keep others safe while learning to control her power.

···

Twilight was starting to fall over the Cambrian mountains, painting the mists golden once again. Rowan and Aelin were standing together on a mountain plateau, a mile or so above Mistward. Various Fae wandered about, setting up tables for the feast, bringing in kindling from the surrounding woods, or just mulling about, waiting for the celebrations to begin. A few were giggling and practicing dances, while a couple of musicians were placing instruments along the forest edge, preparing to play.

Over the past few days, dozens of other demi-Fae had arrived from neighboring outposts to join in their celebrations, and most of them seemed familiar with many of the residents of Mistward. Rowan recognized a few of them, mostly healers from the compound. Even Namonora had come to Mistward to celebrate.

The newcomers were all friendly, and they greeted each other with much embracing and well-natured teasing. Normally, Rowan would be unaffected by the increased attendance, as he was usually feared and avoided by other Fae. But Aelin wasn’t, and the attention she was attracting grated on him.

Rowan had caught many of the visiting males throwing glances her way, their faces open and inviting. However, they always reconsidered when they noticed Rowan standing at her side, their scents shifting from inviting to reluctant.

Perhaps if the males had known that Rowan was her teacher, they would have been less hesitant to approach the princess. But Rowan didn’t have room to feel guilty for not enlightening them to that fact – he was too busy feeling grumpy and protective and irritable. Not that he would blame Aelin for going off and pursuing some wide-eyed male. She deserved whatever pleasure she could get her hands on.

Even if he wasn’t so sure that Aelin felt the same way about him. The previous night, Aelin had actually growled at another female in the kitchens at dinner who had been looking at him with interest, and had stepped forwards as if to say hello.

Rowan wanted to be irritated at the princess for her intrusion, but he couldn’t help but be a tiny bit pleased – the deep, territorial, and entirely male part of himself secretly satisfied by it. Pleased that she had staked some small claim to him, even if it was only as a companion, or a friend.

Not that that word came easy to him. Friend. Rowan hadn’t had a person to call a friend in over 200 years – his fellow warriors didn’t really count. Not even Gavriel, even if Rowan had occasionally thought of him as one. They were all blood-bonded, connected by a lust for power and purpose, and nothing more. It wasn’t a foundation for deeper relationships to form.

And yet here Aelin was, his equal, his mirror and…his friend. Regardless of all obstacles.

Aelin had not feared him once after their initial meeting, hadn’t once flinched from him, no matter how much shit he’d flung at her. And it was starting to affect him, to change him. No matter how he tried to deny it. His conversation with Namonora had begun to open his eyes, but it wasn’t until last night that he’d really noticed.

Rowan’s scent had changed. It had lost its abrasiveness, was no longer so hostile. Just as Aelin’s had. And the demi-Fae females at the fortress had begun to notice.

Rowan didn’t really know how to feel about that.

Aelin munched on an apple a few feet behind him, the loud crunch breaking him from his thoughts. They were standing in front of three unlit fires. The central pyre was a massive pile of wood, stacked up high enough to brush the stars, but the two at its sides were much smaller – perfect for jumping. And all three of which would be Aelin’s responsibility through the night.

“I assume you brought me here so I could practice?” Aelin chucked the apple core across the field, rubbing at a sore shoulder and frowning.

Rowan gestured towards the piles of firewood. “Ignite them, and keep the fires controlled and even all night.”

“All three.” Aelin’s voice was flat, colored by a familiar irritation.

“Keep the end ones low for the jumpers. The middle one should be scorching the clouds.”

Aelin pursed her lips, anxiety filling her scent. “This could easily turn lethal.”

Rowan lifted a hand, stirring the winds around the princess just enough to ruffle her clothes and tousle her golden hair. “I’ll be here,” he said simply.

“And if I somehow still manage to turn someone into a living torch?”

“Then it’s a good thing the healers are also here to celebrate.”

She gave him a dirty look, but seemed to accept her instructions, turning towards the unlit pyres and rolling her shoulders. “When do you want to start?”

“Now.”

···

Aelin was doing well, very well in fact. Though that didn’t much settle Rowan’s nerves. Each time another oblivious demi-Fae leaped over one of the jumping-fires, heedless of the danger they were placing themselves in, Rowan could feel his whole body tense.

Not that Aelin much appreciated his anxiety. Every time he murmured for her to be careful, or to keep steady, she all but snarled at him. So Rowan did his best to keep his eyes forwards, out towards the field full of demi-Fae and away from the princess who was steadily burning at his side.

The Beltane celebrations of his childhood in Doranelle had been rigid, formal affairs. Queen Maeve hosted a banquet, which she rarely attended for more than a few minutes, and his mother always shoved him into his stiffest, most uncomfortable tunic with strict orders not to spill anything on it. There was dancing, but it was always restricted to the strict, formal movements of the traditional dances.

When he was younger, his parents had forced him to pair off with other young females to dance, and he’d despised it. It wasn’t the dancing that he hated – his family had put him in lessons, so he knew all of the movements. It was more the awkward, stilted conversation, the obligatory etiquette and proper manners that he chafed against. And it had only gotten worse as he grew older.

By the time he reached his second and third decades, Rowan’s parents were gone, and he was living in his uncle Ellys’ house alongside his many cousins, including Endymion and Sellene. Ellys had raised him well, had even given him his first lessons in swordplay. But he had been strict, and avoiding formal events had been out of the question.

So once Rowan was free of his uncle’s influence, he had avoided official celebrations and their fraught conversation as often as possible. But here, among the demi-Fae, things were different.

The dancing was much more lively, the clothing looser and more comfortable – made for spinning and whirling in the firelight. The food was less decadent, and far more delicious. Emrys’ feast had been made with love and care, and not impressing the various lords and ladies, in mind.

But most of all was the feeling of freedom and joy and excitement that overwhelmed the open space. Everyone’s scents overlapped into a cacophony of warmth and spice and vibrance. Here, people ate what they wanted, laughed when they wanted, danced how they wanted to, and even went off into the bushes together without anyone staring daggers at them.

The smell was intense, and with Aelin standing just feet away, it was almost overwhelming. Her flames and magic and the heat of her body reached out to caress him, pulling the memory of the taste of her blood to the forefront of his mind. Lemon and jasmine and fire, all wrapped up in the taste of desire that had flooded the whole of the clearing.

And the music. It was beyond words.

Violins and flutes and drums and harps and horns, weaving together a blanket of sound that swathed the whole of the field – the whole of the world. And while the music was all ancient songs that had been played in Doranelle for millennia – by the demi-Fae musicians, the sound had some other richness, some deeper emotion Rowan hadn’t heard before.

He thought that Aelin might have been just as moved by the beautiful melody, her flames seeming to twist in time with the music, the vibrant colors blinking and flashing in the starlight.

And what colors they were; rubies and citrines and tigereyes and the deepest sapphires. Over the past few weeks, the flames she conjured had shifted, becoming richer and more varied – a symphony in and of itself. More beautiful than any sunset.

Nearby demi-Fae marveled at the gorgeous fires, obviously wondering at how they burned so brightly and yet didn’t consume the wood they rested on. A few wandering eyes took note of Rowan and Aelin standing quietly in the shadows at the edge of the clearing, but Rowan didn’t think any of the watchers made the connection between the magic flames and the fire-wielder at his side.

As the night wore on, Aelin grew more and more exhausted, drained by the sustained use of magic. But the well of fire within her did not lessen. It burned on, endlessly ravenous.

Yet still, those iron bars did not burn away. Aelin’s wildfire felt strong enough to consume the entirety of Erilea, but the prison in her mind was impervious to that strength, and held fast. Once again, the image of Aelin chained up in a darkened dungeon, her child’s face twisted in anger and pain, flashed before his eyes.

Rowan’s jaw tightened. He would do anything to free her from those bars. To see the Heir of Fire unleashed at last.

Aelin shifted on her feet slightly, her face contorting in discomfort.

“Easy,” Rowan said as her flames danced a bit higher.

“I know,” Aelin spat through her teeth.

Rowan frowned. He was certain he was in control, and ready to intervene if it proved necessary. Even if he wasn’t stronger than Aelin’s flames, Rowan was confident that he was stubborn enough to repress the wildfire if it slipped Aelin’s control. But still, he only barely contained a flinch as a female took a wild leap over the leftmost pyre, giggling as she went.

Aelin shifted again, the middle bonfire twisting and arching with her as she stretched, mirroring her movements, a rippling golden reflection. “When can I stop?”

“When I say so.”

“I’m sweating to death, I’m starving, and I want a break.”

“Resorting to whining?” Rowan wanted to roll his eyes, but he was being baked alive, his linen shirt soaked with sweat and the leather blazingly hot, shrinking and tightening in the blistering heat. And the princess was far from better off; Rowan could see her limbs glistening with sweat, her clothes damp and wrinkled, face cherry-red.  

Rowan sent a cooling breeze in her direction, wrapping his ice around her burning form. Aelin’s muscles relaxed and she closed her eyes, moaning softly.

Rowan became very still, desire pooling in his stomach as her scent and the taste of her blood wrapped around him, neatly wiping his mind clean of everything but the feel of her heat beside him.

He forcibly wrenched his thoughts away, thinking of something, anything other than how much he wanted to walk over to her and –

No.

After a few moments, Rowan cleared his throat and managed to say, “Just a little while longer.”

Aelin visibly sagged in relief, and a few more silent minutes passed. Rowan could feel Aelin’s thoughts drift, her gaze shifting over to the piles of food stacked on the tables across the field. Her stomach grumbled aggressively, and Rowan felt an ounce of guilt pass through him. He would give it a few more minutes, and then they could stop for the night.

Aelin began tapping her foot, her head bobbing and swaying along with the music. Her flames began to follow suit, whirling and swishing with every twitch of her fingers. They leaped higher once again, and Rowan tensed.

“Easy,” Rowan said, but then it clicked. “Music. That day on the ice, you were humming.”

Aelin nodded, beginning to hum along with the instruments. A bead of sweat trickled down her face, and Rowan sent another cool breeze her way, though this time she was burning so hotly that the air warmed almost immediately, and didn’t seem to help.

“Let the music steady you,” Rowan said, but Aelin didn’t respond. Her eyes were glued to the flames, and they were surprisingly blank, though their golden core was molten and bright.

Rowan’s brow furrowed, anxiety trickling through him. Aelin’s flames roiled and undulated with the melody, the colors deepening to rich blues and bright whites as the temperature increased.

“Easy…” Rowan said again, but Aelin didn’t seem to hear. It was almost as though she was in some kind of trance, her thoughts pulled into the depths of the writhing flames.

“Steady.” Rowan’s voice had shifted from calming to tight and insistent. But still, she did not move, her gaze utterly fixed upon the three smokeless fires now bursting with power and life and intensity.

Rowan took a step closer to her, all of his attention utterly fixed on the fire-wielder. Her power writhed and strained against her mental cage, aching for freedom. And though the pressure of the power was surely extraordinarily painful, Aelin didn’t even twitch, her scent clean and as empty as death.

Terror flooded Rowan. “That’s enough for now,” he said, grabbing her arm in an attempt to get her attention. But it burned him, and he hissed and let go. “That is enough.”

Rowan didn’t know how, but Aelin was burning out. Right before his eyes.

He had been worried about Aelin accidentally losing control and hurting other Fae, he didn’t realize that he should have also been worried about her roasting herself from the inside out.

She turned to look at him, slowly, reluctantly. And her eyes were even emptier than he had thought. She turned back to the flames, the gold around her pupils burning even brighter than Rowan had yet seen.

“Look at me,” Rowan said desperately. He wanted to reach out and touch her, but he couldn’t when she was burning so hotly. “Look at me.”

She didn’t move. “Let the fires burn on their own,” he ordered, his voice filled with fear. Finally, she turned back to face him, her scent filling with a dull, confused pain. His nostrils flared. “Aelin, stop right now.”

She was completely still, agony pulsing through her scent and tensing all of her muscles. “Let go.”

He reached out to touch her, but stopped himself when he felt the heat radiating from her body in waves. The bonfires were starting to climb, and the demi-Fae around them started to back away, murmuring in worry and confusion.

But Rowan didn’t pay them any heed. “If you don’t let go, you are going to burn out completely.” But Aelin still didn’t shift one inch. Rowan snarled, “You are on the verge of roasting yourself from the inside out.”

Aelin blinked once, then her eyes widened as her wildfire filled her up, and agony radiated from her in waves. The iron cage did not break, and instead of melting the bars, Aelin set her fire free in the prison of her own body.

The three bonfires surged, racing up to melt the stars as Aelin fell onto the grass, groaning in pain. Demi-Fae yelled, the music faltered, and Rowan stilled as the killing calm iced over his limbs.

“I’m sorry,” Rowan hissed, swearing viciously as he ripped the air from her lungs. He waited only an instant for the fires to fall and the magic to be torn away before returning her breath to her.

“Breathe. Breathe.” Rowan begged as Aelin gasped raggedly, her spine arching as her power settled uncomfortably back in its cage, its connection to the world broken. But the wildfire still coursed through her body, boiling her blood and roasting her skin.

And Rowan was running, leaving Aelin lying on the ground, where she was shaking with tearless, panicked sobs. He sprinted over to the eastern edge of the field, where he could see Namonora and another female chatting casually.

At the sight of his panicked expression, Namonora instantly shifted, her face becoming severe. “What is it?”

Rowan didn’t have time for explanations. “Come,” he said, turning back to return to the princess who might have already succumbed to the fire, return to the spark that might have finally burned out.

Thankfully, they followed him without question, and when they reached Aelin, she was still writhing on the ground.

Still alive. Rowan had to hold in a sigh of relief.

Namonora’s assessment was quick and efficient. “Can you stand to carry her? There aren’t any water-wielders here, and we need to get her into cold water. Now.”

Rowan gritted his teeth, and then gingerly stretched out his arms to cradle the princess, shutting out the pain as her skin met his, her fire reaching through his clothes and scorching his flesh. Rowan held Aelin as far from his body as he could, sprinting through the forest and back down the mountain towards the fortress, his heart beating rapidly in his chest.

He tried to wrap her in his ice-kissed wind, enveloping her burning body in freezing air. But it didn’t work. Rowan wasn’t able to pierce through the heat she was emanating.

He pumped his legs still faster, hurtling through the underbrush as Aelin’s scent weakened and twisted and frayed, her grip on consciousness fading under the weight of the agony pulsing through her.

Rowan tightened his grip on the princess, unwilling to let her fade. Unwilling to let her die.

After some unknowable, endless stretch of time, the fortress came into view, and Rowan tore through the wyrd-stones, over the gate, past the courtyard, down the stairs and towards the bathing room.

“Get her into the water.”

Rowan lowered her gingerly into the sunken stone tub, but before her skin even brushed the surface, the water began to billow with steam. Rowan swore.

“Freeze it, Prince,” Namonora commanded. “Now.”

Rowan sent all of his power towards the female in the basin before him, a vast surge of ice and wind, and the water immediately froze solid. But then –

“Get her out!” Namonora shouted, and Rowan reached in and snatched Aelin from the now-boiling water, the skin on his hands beginning to blister. She had nearly boiled herself alive.

Rowan lifted her up and placed her in another tub, kneeling at its head while the two healers hovered somewhere to his side. This time, he had to be more careful with his use of magic. So instead of a quick wave, Rowan focused on gathering a steady, forceful pressure.

The ice formed again, and then began to melt. “Breathe,” Rowan said into her ear. “Let it go – let it get out of you.” Steam began to rise once again, but then Aelin took one small, shaky breath, and it dissipated slightly. “Good,” Rowan panted with the effort of fighting against the wild, uncontrolled force of Aelin’s magic.

Ice formed again, and then melted. Aelin took another steadying breath, her eyes closing as she focused on calming her panicked body.

Rowan began to sweat in earnest, the perspiration trickling over his ruined skin and stinging, salt in an open wound. While his magic was so strained, the burns couldn’t heal by themselves. But the small ache was nothing in the face of the terror currently coursing through him.

The water froze and melted in a steady pattern, like the movement of a pendulum, or breath in a pair of lungs. In and out, in and out. Frozen, then melted. Fire, then ice. The ebb and flow of the tide, pushing and pulling.

Aelin’s uncontrolled flames slammed against his steel will, over and over and over again, until the pendulum began to slow, the breaths evening out until finally, they stopped.

The water stilled, settling into a comfortable warmth while Aelin’s scent relaxed from the sharp, agonized copper tang to a dull ache. Rowan felt his own limbs begin to relax, the lack of tension leaving him feeling hollow, and heavy.

“We need to get those clothes off her,” Namonora said, and Rowan moved out of their way while the two healers leaned over the tub, carefully easing up Aelin’s head and peeling off her sodden clothes.

There was a moment of quiet while Namonora silently assessed Aelin’s condition, her eyes expertly flicking over her still form, cataloguing every detail. Aelin just lay there, eyes closed, her skin dangerously pale and her face flushed with fever.

Namonora looked at Rowan expectantly, silently asking him to speak.

Rowan kept his voice calm and soft. “Just answer yes or no. That’s all you have to do.”

Aelin nodded stiffly, grimacing in pain. Her eyes were still closed.

“Are you in danger of flaring up again?”

“No,” she responded, barely a whisper through her lips.

“Are you in pain?”

“Yes.” Another breath of sound, punctuated with a flare of discomfort in her scent.

Rowan clenched his jaw, looking pointedly at Namonora.

The old healer nodded at him. “We will prepare a tonic. Just keep her cool.” And they both trod into the hallway, heading for the kitchens, the door shutting softly behind them.

Rowan reached over for a bucket of water and handful of washcloths lying on the floor beside him. He dipped the cloths into the water, and brought the temperature as close to freezing as he could without it turning solid and useless, then laid a cloth on Aelin’s forehead. She sighed in relief, her tight expression softening.

Rowan soaked the other cloth in the bucket, and began wringing it over her head and neck. “The burnout,” he said quietly. “You should have told me you were at your limit.”

Aelin opened her eyes a millimeter, but didn’t say anything. He wrung more water over her brow.

“If you’d gone on any longer, the burnout would have destroyed you. You must learn to recognize the signs – and how to pull back before it’s too late.” The anxiety in his voice gave way to command. “It will rip you apart inside. Make this…” he shook his head. “Make this look like nothing. You don’t touch your magic until you’ve rested for a while. Understand?”

Aelin only raised her chin, her expression pleading, a silent request for more of the icy water. But Rowan just held the cloth tantalizingly above her, refusing to wring it until she nodded her agreement.

A few more silent minutes passed, Rowan slowly cooling the princess’ heat. But the pain in her scent refused to fade, and Namonora still did not appear. The more time that passed without the arrival of the tonic, the higher Rowan’s irritation grew. And soon, he was flinging the cloth in the bucket and standing up to leave, deciding that Aelin was cool enough to survive without him for a few moments, and her need for the painkillers was now greater than her need for temperature-control.

“I’m going to check on the tonic. I’ll be back soon.”

She nodded faintly, and Rowan left, the door clicking shut behind him.

He strode directly over to the kitchens, his booted feet slamming into the stones and echoing loudly through the halls. Rowan didn’t think he’d ever cared less.

He found Namonora stirring various strong-smelling plants in a cauldron over a fire, the other healer efficiently dicing several other herbs, readying them to be mixed into the pot with the others. When Rowan entered, Namonora instantly dropped what she was doing and gestured for the other female to take over, then strode over to him, her expression determined.

“I know you’re going to want to protest, but I do not care. You need those burns treated, or they absolutely will get infected.” Namonora grabbed Rowan’s shoulder and pulled him over to the counter, where white bandaging had already been laid out. Rowan opened his mouth to object, but Namonora interrupted. “Do not argue with me, Rowan Whitethorn. I’m not about to change my mind, and you protesting will only make this take longer.”

Rowan clenched his jaw, and seriously considered retaliation, but at the steel in the healer’s eyes, he relented, and began to strip off his ruined clothing. Namonora’s lips pinched in victory.

Rowan winced, groaning in pain as the cotton pulled at the tender flesh of his chest and arms. Namonora clicked her tongue and raising a mortar and pestle filled with a sweet-smelling poultice.

“That might have been the strangest almost-burnout I have ever seen,” she said, dabbing the saccharine mixture on the welts covering his left arm. It smelled of eucalyptus and ginger and strawberries.

“I’m not sure it was a burnout,” Rowan sighed.

Namonora tilted her head, a silent question. She moved to the other arm.

Rowan shook his head. “I don’t know. But her power wasn’t depleted – it was more like she…set it free. Within her own body.”

“A suicide attempt?” the other female asked politely.

Rowan flinched, and Namonora’s clever eyes narrowed, taking note. “No,” he finally replied, “She just lost control.”

“Hmm.” Namonora muttered, smearing the last of the poultice over his bare chest. “The block.”

“Yes,” Rowan agreed, nodding ruefully.

“So there has been no more progress since I last saw you?”

“No.” Rowan’s voice was curt.

Namonora began wrapping the clean white linen around his arms, seeming to be mulling something over, hesitating. “As I said before, she may never overcome it.” The healer’s eyes tentatively flicked over Rowan’s face. His expression was carefully impassive. “These things are far more emotional than they are physical. And if she does not find a way to confront whatever trauma lies in her past, she may always have this block. Instead of focusing on getting rid of it, maybe she could focus her attention on finding ways to cope with it, to work around it.”

Rowan just nodded tersely, his face blank and hard. Namonora finished bandaging his chest, and nodded slowly, giving him her permission to leave. “We will be in with the tonic in another few minutes,” she said, and turned back to the fire. Rowan carefully pulled his shirt back on over the bandages, and strode from the room without another word.

But not before overhearing a final comment from the healers, their words gliding over to him through the open doorway.

“So that was Rowan Whitethorn,” the other female said plainly.

“And the Princess of Terrasen.” Namonora responded.

“Are they together?”

“I don’t know. But I think they are well suited. Perhaps – ” and her voice faded into the background.

Rowan only clenched his jaw, shaking off their words and striding purposefully towards the bathing room.

It was lit by faint candlelight, and the tiny, flickering flames cast eerie shadows over the walls and stone floors. Various cloths, buckets, and basins were scattered intermittently across the room, filling the spaces between the sunken stone tubs. Aelin was a golden ghost across the stretch of the room, now sitting up and facing away from the doorway through which Rowan had just entered.

The door clicked shut behind him, and his feet made soft tapping sounds with each step towards the princess. Rowan was irritated, and impatient. He could scent Aelin’s pain from across the room, and he had to tell her that the tonic wasn’t yet ready.

But Rowan only made it halfway across the room before the bottom fell out of his stomach, and he stopped dead.

Her back.

Rowan’s breath was ripped from him in a ragged gasp, and there was an overwhelming silence in his mind.

Her back was a mangled slab of flesh, a mess of old scars, one on top of the other on top of the other. Marks of pain and hate and prolonged suffering. The marks of someone who had been beaten, again and again and again. The marks of someone who had been destroyed.

Aelin – Rowan’s mental voice broke over her name – Aelin hadn’t only suffered due to death and misfortune and loss, she had been broken. Broken by others.

A roaring began somewhere at the back of his mind, vicious and lethal and inexorable. He would rip apart whoever had done that to her with his bare hands. He would destroy them, would hunt them down until only their ashes remained. Would see them suffer. Would ensure that Aelin got her revenge on them before they died.

Aelin turned her head, her brow furrowed in confusion. But once she saw the direction of his gaze, her face softened in understanding.

“Who did that do you?” The words were blank, empty. Rowan’s body was so stressed, so fraught with pain and shock and fury, that the question just slipped out, barely a breath between his lips. Completely emotionless.

Aelin’s voice was tired and hollow as she responded, “A lot of people. I spent some time in the Salt Mines of Endovier.”

Rowan felt his chest tighten. “How long?”

“A year. I was there a year before…it’s a long story.” Aelin’s eyes flitted over his bandaged chest and arms, her face falling in sorrow and regret. Rowan thought that if she apologized to him, he might explode.

“You were a slave.” The word twisted on the way out, burning his throat like acid. Aelin paused, and gave him a slow nod, her eyes filled with some ancient benediction, or divine reckoning.

Rowan opened his mouth – to say what, he didn’t know. So many things were roiling inside him, aching to be set free. Questions, apologies, furious declarations, vows of revenge, expressions of sympathy. They all caught in his throat, and he closed his mouth as one small truth settled into him.

Maeve knew.

Maeve had known the princess had been a slave, had known how much she’d suffered and toiled, had known everything. And she hadn’t said a word. She’d kept it all from him.

Rowan felt himself turn from the room, and shut the door behind him quietly. He wanted to slam it, to shatter it behind him. But he couldn’t do that to Aelin. Aelin, who was sitting in the cold tub, alone and abandoned by all the world. Aelin, who had been a slave.

And Maeve had known everything, and then called for Rowan to break her, like some prize draft horse. Like an animal, or an object. Just a new flashy possession for the Queen who collected Fae like carriages or garments or jewelry. Another weapon in her arsenal, to join the row of hearts lined up on her sleeve.

Rowan flew through the clouds, soaring over the rippling forests, shaping the winds to push him onward, faster and faster, sending him towards the dark queen.

Why hadn’t Maeve told him? Why hadn’t Aelin told him?

Rowan took in the passing world out of instinct rather than interest, all of his thoughts still bent towards the image of that expanse of ruined flesh, glistening in the candlelight. It was burned into him, branded and seared. Right alongside the images of Lyria’s corpse, bloody and cold and distorted.

Aelin in shackles, Aelin in the dark, Aelin tied to a post, a pale figure brandishing a whip –

Rowan howled, his hawk’s cry piercing the night, echoing off of the sides of the Cambrian mountains, now towering before him. A chorus of unearthly howls rose in response – Maeve’s wild wolves, guarding the passes. Even if he flew all the way to Doranelle, he’d reach his queen and demand answers and…she would not give them to him. With the blood oath, she could command he not go back to Mistward.

Rowan choked the current of wind beneath his wings. Aelin…Aelin had not trusted him – had not wanted him to know. Did she think he would think the worse of her? That he would think that she deserved it?

The thought curdled in his stomach. She had not wanted him to know, had not thought he deserved to know. And maybe he didn’t.

That day – that day early on, he’d threatened to whip the girl, gods above. And she’d lost it. He’d been such a proud fool that he’d assumed she’d lashed out because she was nothing more than a child. He should have known better – should have known that when she did react to something like that, it meant the scars went deep. And then there were the other things he’d said…

Shame roiled alongside the anger in his gut.

She hadn’t wanted him to know, and when he’d found out, he’d just left her alone. Too wrapped up in his own anger and agony to notice how that must have felt. To have your secrets ripped from you, and then be abandoned.

Rowan had left her alone. Weak and defenseless, and recovering from a burnout.

Primal anger sharpened in his gut, brimming with a territorial, possessive need. Not a need for her, but a need to protect – a male’s duty and honor. He had not handled the news as he should have.

If she hadn’t wanted to tell him about being a slave, then she probably had done so assuming the worst about him – just as she was probably assuming the worst about his leaving. The thought didn’t sit well.

So he veered back to the north and called his magic to pull the winds with him, easing his flight back to the fortress.

After a few more frozen minutes, Rowan arrived back at the old stone walls of the fortress, now familiar in its ancient, crumbling majesty. He headed right for Aelin’s room, swooping around the southwestern corner of the castle and towards where he knew her small window would lie.

He sent a sharp wind over to push the glass open, intending on explaining, or apologizing, or begging her forgiveness, he didn’t know. His hawk’s wings brushed the edges of the window frame as he swooped into her room, finding it smaller and colder than he remembered.

The basin in the corner had iced over, the stone floor looking just as freezing to the touch. Aelin lay curled up tight beneath a ragged blanket, still undressed, her breath fogging the air and her limbs shaking with cold.

Rowan shifted with a flash of light, his heart twisting. He had left her in a room without a fireplace, had given her a space purposefully and intensely uncomfortable. Intent on punishing her, for crimes she had not committed, and had paid for many times over.

Rowan scooped her up, wrapping her more tightly in the blanket and carrying her up two flights of stairs, down the hall, and into his rooms. A fire was already roaring in the grate, and the space was warm and inviting, especially when compared to the rooms he had just left.

Rowan laid her carefully on his bed, tucking her into the quilt and moving to lie beside her, as far from her trembling form as the space would allow. His voice was unintentionally rough as he said, “You’re staying with me from now on.”

Aelin’s eyes drifted open, her face drained from pain and exhaustion.

“The bed is for tonight. Tomorrow, you’ll get a cot. You’ll clean up after yourself or you’ll be back in that room.”

“Very well.” She nestled more comfortably into her pillow. “But I don’t want your pity.”

Rowan’s voice shook slightly. “This is not pity. Maeve decided not to tell me what happened to you. You have to know that I – I wasn’t aware you had – ”

She slid an arm across the bed to grasp his hand, her fingers small and cold in his. Rowan’s eyes were wide, his face open. He hadn’t felt so vulnerable in – he didn’t know when. If she wanted, she could strike him a blow that would fracture him. It wouldn’t be anything more than he deserved.

Her words were soft. “I knew. At first, I was afraid you’d mock me if I told you, and I would kill you for it. Then I didn’t want you to pity me. And more than any of that, I didn’t want you to think it was ever an excuse.”

“Like a good soldier.” His voice was filled with wonder at the strength of this woman. How he had ever thought her a killer. He would regret that for the rest of his miserable life.

Rowan took a long breath. “Tell me how you were sent there – and how you got out.” It wasn’t an order, wasn’t a command. It was a request. To understand, so that they could once again be on even footing. So that he could know her, as she now knew him.

Aelin’s face hardened slightly, but she breathed deep, rallying herself. Rowan couldn’t help but feel honored. Honored to be chosen to be a part of her life, to help her bear this burden.

“After my…parents…were killed, I fell into the service of Arobynn Hamel. He spent the next eight years training me, forming me into a weapon.”

Aelin began to weave a tale of death and intrigue and pain and…love. She suffered much at Arobynn’s hand, but she still found joy and happiness in her time in Rifthold, living out the final days of her childhood.

Aelin’s voice warmed slightly, her eyes crinkling. “I was as wild as could be – dancing until dawn with courtesans and thieves and all the beautiful, wicked creatures in the world.” She smiled at the memory, and Rowan smiled with her.

She spoke of learning to love music, of growing older and finding herself happy to be free, reveling in the pleasure of anonymity. And the guilt she felt whenever she remembered the cost of that freedom.

Rowan kept silent the whole time, letting the story flow from her freely and without interruption. These past weeks had taught him how good talking could feel, how much lighter and freer you were after the tale was done. So much so that you wondered at the massive weight the invisible burden had been before. He didn’t want to deprive her of that, no matter the questions that pressed on his tongue.

She spoke of a man named Sam Cortland, and how together they’d sacked a city and freed over a hundred slaves, using little more than their wits. But then, how upon her return Arobynn beat them mercilessly, and sent her to the Red Desert to train with the Silent Assassins.

Aelin told Rowan of running in the desert, of racing Asterion horses, of battles and death and escape. She spoke of falling in love for the first time, and how her and Sam schemed to escape from Rifthold together.

Aelin’s voice was tentative. “I think in my heart I knew that it wasn’t going to work. That the gods wouldn’t let me elude the burden of name forever. But still…I loved him too much to care.” And Rowan’s heart twisted.

She spoke of his death at the hands of her fellow assassins, her voice shaking slightly as she told of how she failed to get her vengeance, was captured and taken to the king’s court, and sentenced to enslavement in the salt mines. Her words drifted off, “I still don’t know who it was that betrayed me…”

But Rowan thought he did. If Arobynn Hamel ever got within his reach, Rowan would take his revenge. Slowly.

But Aelin was obviously not ready to hear that the man she had lived with, grown up with, and had come to regard as some mixture of teacher, father, or brother, had left her to rot in that prison. Had tortured and killed her love.

So Rowan kept silent as Aelin continued. “That first day in Endovier, I knew I would die there.” Her voice was like the inside of a tomb. “They brought me inside, stripped me, cut off my hair, tied me to the whipping post and gave me twenty-one lashes. Then they rubbed salt in the wounds, and made sure that they would never heal properly. It was only through the kindness of some of the other prisoners that I survived that first night. Which they were then killed for, of course. But I got my revenge. It took a while, but I got it.”

She spoke of a year in hell. A year of darkness and toil. Of how eventually, she snapped, sprinting for her own death. How she had killed her overseer, taken her revenge on the guards, and gotten within an inch of the wall before being knocked unconscious. How she had run three hundred and sixty-three feet.

Rowan only marveled.

“And then, one day, they came. The Crown Prince and the Captain of the Guard. And they took me away.”

She told him how the son of her enemy offered her a shot at freedom, and used her to win a competition to become the Hand of the King. She told Rowan how she won it, slowly rebuilding her body from the wreck it had been after leaving Endovier. How she had come to love Chaol Westfall.

How the Captain had rescued her from hell, and helped to heal her, how he rebuilt her heart only for it to shatter once more with another death, another betrayal, another weight on her shoulders.

Nehemia. The princess of Eyllwe. She had been Aelin’s friend, her closest confident. She had loved her. And then she died.

Was murdered, violently. Horrifically.

Aelin tracked down her killers, and left them in pieces. But Chaol Westfall had discovered that she was Fae, and made a deal to get her out of Adarlan. To send her to Varese, under orders to assassinate the Ashryvers and collect their naval defense plans.

“So I came. And then I met you.”

Aelin’s golden eyes flicked up to meet his, hers clouded with exhaustion. Rowan squeezed her fingers lightly, glad that they were regaining their usual warmth.

Aelin closed her eyes and sunk into the bed, finally succumbing to exhaustion. But Rowan lay awake, his thoughts whirring.

She had edited, leaving out a lot of crucial details. She hadn’t explained her deal with Maeve, or why she went along with Chaol’s deal. Nor had she said how her parents had been killed, and why she ended up in Arobynn’s care.

But still, Rowan felt…clear. Free of the confusion and the questions that had been weighing on him for so long – from ever since she had swaggered into his life, broken and drunken and hurting.

There were others things that he was curious about, however. Things he had no right to ask, but still wondered. Did she still love that man from across the sea? Still long for him even after all that had broken between them?

And what would she do when Rowan brought her to Maeve? Would she leave with her armies and her alliance, bought with the ring he had given her, never to return? Would he ever see her again?

Worry trickled through his veins, and Rowan pulled the princess’ hand to his chest, resting it over his heart. His breaths evened out, and he began to drift into an easy sleep.

But before he truly fell, he remembered something Aelin had said, a gift Nehemia had given her. “She named me Elentiya – Spirit That Could Not Be Broken.”

The words mocked him, and filled his heart with an aching mixture of joy and sadness. Aelin – the spirit that couldn’t be broken. That he had been ordered to break, and who instead had become his friend.

She lay at his side, the weight of at thousand burdens on her shoulders, and yet she still survived. Had endured.

Unbroken.

···

Masterlist / Ao3 / Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

[deepend-swimmer]

to be loved is to be seen

Summary: All James had ever wanted was to be a good kid, mainly because those kids are usually the ones people pay attention to. Jealously isn't a trait from good kids, but it was also never a choice for him, only a result of begging to be noticed his entire life.

James wonders if anyone will ever truly see him one day.

Series: adoration is letting love consume you pt. 2 (scorbus), but it can be read as an stand alone!

Warnings: self esteem issues, implied/referenced child neglect and just overall bad parenting

Word Count: 1.89k

a/n: I'm going to put the ao3 link as a reblog so it doesn't bug the tags!

***

James would never be proud of his jealousy.

It was never his choice to be like this, it was just something that showed up one time and embedded itself into every part of his system. Yet, maybe jealousy wouldn't be the best way to put it, he just liked being the center of attention. He craved it. 

Don't mind him, he knows what arrogance is and it's far from his case. He doesn't know how to put in words, but his desire for engagement has nothing to do with arrogance.

He had taught himself to attract attraction since Albus was born. He loved his baby brother, he really did, he just loathed that no one remembered him once a replica of his father was born. Though, that was something normal, wasn't it? For a little kid to feel outshined by a new baby, they grow out of it with time. 

James never did so. The problem was not even the adults did. Every single time, people would hover over Albus, fascinated by how much he resembled his father. 

James never meant to feel jealous, yet, who wouldn't? No ebony locks that won't stay put for anything, no green eyes that shine like piercing emeralds, no olive skin that stays warm through the coldest days. James was just simple, ordinary James. It came to such a point, he started doubting his own existence. After all, how could he be real and just never be seen by anyone?

One day, he decided to start making up for his looks with personality. Essentially, if he was this shinny, loud, ball of joy and humour people would pay attention, right? They would see him, right? 

So he learned everything he thought it would put him on the spotlight. He mastered quidditch (as much as an 8 years old could) so people could be proud. He learned how to make jokes, good ones, at an impressive early age so that he could make people laugh. At the seemingly success, he decided to grow some confidence, because that came with loudness, right? Maybe loud enough for people to hear him?

It was easy for him to lose control over these things. As he grew even more, those traits overflew him and he easily passed as an arrogant, as a jerk, as a cocky teenage boy. He never meant to be any of these things, he was just tired of being invisible and after all, here he was, choking into a river of preconceptions.

Now, James wasn't the only one trying to escape a suffocating burden. Him and Albus were deemed into being the two sides of the same coin and when he realised, Albus was just one more of the so many that hated his social persona (James hated it himself).

He never planned to treat his brother badly, but with him wanting to be seen and Albus longing to be left alone they just naturally drifted apart. It was never James's intention, still it came to a point they were practically strangers to one another. 

His problem was always the attention of adults. James was a good brother, had been one at least. Albus used to like him despite his big brotherish annoyance. James was pretty sure Lily saw him like a hero or something. They liked him. They trusted him. They loved him. They don't anymore. James isn't sure there is anything left to love.

He gets why Albus grew up to wear that family persona. James can't imagine how exhausting the obsession over him must have been. 

It shouldn't make sense, but it does. Albus shifted into this hostile, bitter, closeted person. You see, adults only want nice kids, kids they can put on pretty portraits, kids they can show off to others, kids they can proclaim: "See how my child is just so much better than your unpleasant one?" That way, Albus grew up to be exactly that unpleasant child to see if their parents would finally stop showing him off. To see if their parents would finally see him as a human being rather than a trophy. And James guessed it worked, their parents mastered the ability of ignoring Albus, hiding him from everyone. James is pretty sure they avoided acknowledging him so much they forgot he was still there.

Albus was just like James now, both invisible in their true selves.

The thing is that Albus had one person he could always be himself with. James didn't mean to be jealous of that, but he was. There has been this humongous part of him begging to be seen for so long and it doesn't matter how much it screams, it never makes a noise. Good kids don't make noises. Still, it holds onto this hope that one day it will be heard, that one day someone will reach out and James' façade will crumble to pieces with a single touch. It holds onto this hope that one day he will be loved enough to be seen. 

Yet, James thinks that, at some point, he forgot who he was and that was probably the reason why he didn't connect with anyone anymore. How can you connect with something when you don't know what's there to connect? When it's probably hollow shell by now?

The first time he heard someone hated him, he cried himself to sleep, as pathetic as it sounds. At first, he hadn't known why the opinion of a stranger mattered so much, but as he laid down on is bed, tears tracks still going strong, he thought about it. Since the first time he had a notion of self, he worked his ass off to be a good person. Everything he ever did on constructing himself was aimed to be liked. So hearing that someone, who had never even talked to him, hated him felt like the greatest failure possible. This wasn't just apathy, it was hatred. James couldn't help but feel as if all his efforts had served no purpose. He remembers imprinting into his mind that the only possible answer was that everyone secretly hated him and that the only reason people even interacted with him was to be nice themselves. 

After that, he hardly ever cried, because after all, good kids don't cry. That's why when he and Albus find Scorpius, he allows himself a little shed out in the open and not in the lonely misery of his own room, because that's his little brother and he was loved for whom he was. The healing that comes after doesn't restrict itself to Scorpius, it also fully embraces James and Albus's relationship.

However, James' last year in Hogwarts arrives and the remaining many fractured bits of himself continue to wail what's left of him. Winning the Quidditch Cup doesn't heal the wounds. Having his first kiss (one he couldn't care less, with someone he couldn't care less) doesn't heal them. Dancing through the ball room with his mother doesn't heal them. Accepting an arranged job for an arranged life by his father doesn't heal them.

Moving out is the first thing that feels like healing since Albus. Sneaking out for chips in the middle of the night with Teddy does mend some bits of him. Helping Lily with her left side catches mends some others. Hanging out at the Malfoy Manor with Albus and Scorpius did an incredible job on keeping those mended.

Then, one day, walking through Diagon Alley during his insufferable job's break, he meets someone. James didn't know he could ever feel as he did upon meeting them, getting to know them. At that point, he had rarely ever seen his parents since moving out. He knows he isn't a kid anymore, but not feeling one bit pressured into being a good kid comes from another (healthier) place. James hasn't felt jealousy in ages and his first true friend eases the pressure from seeking attention even more.

It's impressive how quickly they turn James' days into a journey of discovery. He could feel belittled by how small his discoveries are, he isn't anywhere near his father's journeys, yet there is something about them that makes him feel anything but little. It's only after them that he discovers the tiny pawnshop a quarter from his job that has the book he has wanted his entire life. It's only after them that he finally tries an ice cream flavour other than the only one he had always eaten. It's only after them he allows himself to stand up for himself, retribute the rudeness from his boss and quit. It's only after them he puts his favourite music at full volume and dances the night away by their side. It's only after them he cries openly watching a silly movie that somehow still managed to kill a dog. It's only after them he realises how much he cares about healing, not only his own but others as well. It's only after them he gets to know who he is.

They take him on a trip around the northern coast. For maybe the first time in his life, he thoroughly enjoys his days. James has his eyes closed as he hears the ocean when he feels them resting their chin where their hands had been before. The silence sustains itself for a while and out of nowhere, they say. "Scream."

James lets out a laugh and softly turns to them, being met with an unusual solemnity in their eyes. "What?"

"Let out everything that you've been holding back." His gaze leaves them and goes back to the sea, an unknown feeling blurring out his vision. "Let yourself feel what you are feeling, James."

It takes him a second to finally do something. He stands up in an impetus, hands now being held by them. James overlooks the sea and screams. Screams. Screams. For a moment, he thinks he will never stop. For a moment, he remembers he has been screaming this whole time, just no one ever realised it. For a moment, he can hear his voice, loud and clear. For a moment, he knows he is here. He is seen for the first time in his life. He had always longed to be seen for what he really is and he finally feels like so. It's exhilarating. It's liberating.

The dangerous thing about love is when you don't know how to love someone. James' parents never did know how to love their kids and as a result they unlearned how to love Harry and Ginny. It took time, but James slowly relearned how to love and now as he lays himself open to someone, he realises they know how to love him. 

For some people, love is a certainty. They are destined to love and be loved. That used to be what James thought. Now, being beside them, he realises that isn't the case. People aren't destined to love and be loved because they are soulmates, but because they are human. Every human is destined for love, because that's part of humanity itself. James sees as if the thing about soulmates is that they are destined for one person, they have the certainty of love from one specific person. Love for him isn't a certainty, it's a choice. Right now, he chooses to be loved.

[dillydedalus]

january reading

why does january always feel like it’s 3 months long. anyway here’s what i read in january, feat. poison experts with ocd, ants in your brain, old bolsheviks getting purged, and mountweazels. 

city of lies, sam hawke (poison wars #1) this is a perfectly nice fantasy novel about jovan, who serves as essentially a secret guard against poisoning for his city state’s heir and is forced to step up when his uncle (also a secret poison guard) and the ruler are both killed by an unknown poison AND also the city is suddenly under a very creepy siege (are these events related? who knows!) this is all very fine & entertaining & there are some fun ideas, but also... the main character has ocd and SAME HAT SAME HAT. also like the idea of having a very important, secret and potentially fatal job that requires you to painstakingly test everything the ruler/heir is consuming WHILE HAVING OCD is like... such a deliciously sadistic concept. amazing. 3/5

my heart hemmed in, marie ndiaye (translated from french by jordan stump) a strange horror-ish tale in which two married teachers, bastions of upper-middle-class respectability and taste, suddenly find themselves utterly despised by everyone around them, escalating until the husband is seriously injured. through several very unexpected twists, it becomes clear that the couple’s own contempt for anyone not fitting into their world and especially nadia’s hostility and shame about her (implied to be northern african) ancestry is the reason for their pariah status. disturbing, surprising, FUCKED UP IF TRUE (looking back, i no longer really know what i mean by that). 4/5

xenogenesis trilogy (dawn/adulthood rites/imago), octavia e. butler octavia butler is incapable of writing anything uninteresting and while i don’t always completely vibe with her stuff, it’s always fascinating & thought-provoking. this series combines some of her favourite topics (genetic manipulation, alien/human reproduction, what is humanity) into a tale of an alien species, the oankali, saving some human survivors from the apocalypse and beginning a gene-trading project with them, integrating them into their reproductive system and creating mixed/’construct’ generations with traits from both species. and like, to me, this was uncomfortably into the biology = destiny thing & didn’t really question the oankali assertion that humans were genetically doomed to hierarchical behaviour & aggression (& also weirdly straight for a book about an alien species with 3 genders that engages in 5-partner-reproduction with humans), so that angle fell flat for me for the most part, altho i suppose i do agree that embracing change, even change that comes at a cost, is better than clinging to an unsustainable (& potentially destructive) purity. where i think the series is most interesting is in its exploration of consent and in how far consent is possible in extremely one-sided power dynamics (curiously, while the oankali condemn and seem to lack the human drive for hierarchy, they find it very easy to abuse their position of power & violate boundaries & never question the morality of this. in this, the first book, focusing on a human survivor first encountering the oankali and learning of their project, is the most interesting, as lilith as a human most explicitly struggles with her position - would her consent be meaningful? can she even consent when there is a kind of biochemical dependence between humans and their alien mates? the other two books, told from the perspectives of lilith’s constructed/mixed children, continue discussing themes of consent, autonomy and power dynamics, but i found them less interesting the further they moved from human perspectives. on the whole: 2.5/5

love & other thought experiments, sophie ward man, we love a pierre menard reference. anyway. this is a novel in stories, each based (loosely) on a thought experiment, about (loosely) a lesbian couple and their son arthur, illness and grief, parenthood, love, consciousness and perception, alternative universes, and having an ant in your brain. it is thoroughly delightful & clever, but goes for warmth and humanity (or ant-ity) over intellectual games (surprising given that it is all about thought experiments - but while they are a nice structuring device i don’t think they add all that much). i haven’t entirely worked out my feelings about the ending and it’s hard to discuss anyway given the twists and turns this takes, but it's a whole lot of fun. 4/5

a general theory of oblivion, josé eduardo agualusa (tr. from portuguese by daniel hahn) interesting little novel(la) set in angola during and after the struggle for independence, in which a portuguese woman, ludo, with extreme agoraphobia walls herself into her apartment to avoid the violence and chaos (but also just... bc she has agoraphobia) with a involving a bunch of much more active characters and how they are connected to her to various degrees. i didn’t like the sideplot quite as much as ludo’s isolation in her walled-in flat with her dog, catching pigeons on the balcony and writing on the walls. 3/5

cassandra at the wedding, dorothy baker phd student cassandra returns home attend (sabotage) her twin sister judith’s wedding to a young doctor whose name she refuses to remember, believing that her sister secretly wants out. cass is a mess, and as a shift to judith’s perspective reveals, definitely wrong about what judith wants and maybe a little delusional, but also a ridiculously compelling narrator, the brilliant but troubled contrast to judith’s safer conventionality. on the whole, cassandra’s narrative voice is the strongest feature of a book i otherwise found a bit slow & a bit heavy on the quirky family. fav line is when cass, post-character-development, plans to “take a quick look at [her] dumb thesis and see if it might lead to something less smooth and more revolting, or at least satisfying more than the requirements of the University”. 3/5

the office of historical corrections, danielle evans a very solid collection of realist short stories (+ the titular novella), mainly dealing with racism, (black) womanhood, relationships between women, and anticolonial/antiracist historiography. while i thought all the stories were well-done and none stood out as weak or an unnecessary inclusion, there also weren’t any that really stood out to me. 3/5

sonnenfinsternis, arthur koestler (english title: darkness at noon) (audio) you know what’s cool about this book? when i added it to my goodreads tbr in 2012, i would have had to read it in translation as the german original was lost during koestler’s escape from the nazis, but since then, the original has been rediscovered and republished. yet another proof that leaving books on your tbr for ages is a good thing actually. anyway. this is a story about the stalinist purges, told thru old bolshevik rubashov, who, after serving the Party loyally for years & doing his fair share of selling people out for the Party, is arrested for ~oppositional activities. in jail and during his interrogations, rubashov reflects on the course the Party has taken and his own part (and guilt) in that, and the way totalitarianism has eaten up and poisoned even the most commendable ideals the Party once held (and still holds?), the course of history and at what point the end no longer justifies the means. it’s brilliant, rubashov is brilliant and despicable, i’m very happy it was rediscovered. 5/5

heads of the colored people, nafissa thompson-spires another really solid short story collection, also focused on the experiences of black people in america (particularly the black upper-middle class), black womanhood and black relationships, altho with a somewhat more satirical tone than danielle evans’s collection. standouts for me were the story in letters between the mothers of the only black girls at a private school, a story about a family of fruitarians, and a story about a girl who fetishises her disabled boyfriend(s). 3.5/5

pedro páramo, juan rulfo (gernan transl. by dagmar ploetz) mexican classic about a rich and abusive landowner (the titular pedro paramo) and the ghost town he leaves behind - quite literally, as, when his son tries to find his father, the town is full of people, quite ready to talk shit about pedro, but they are all dead. it’s an interesting setting with occasionally vivid writing, but the skips in time and character were kind of confusing and i lost my place a lot. i’d be interested in reading rulfo’s other major work, el llano en llamas. 2.5/5

verse für zeitgenossen, mascha kaléko short collection of the poems kaléko, a jewish german poet, wrote while in exile in the united states in the 30-40s, as well as some poems written after the end of ww2. kaléko’s voice is witty, but at turns also melancholy or satirical. as expected i preferred the pieces that directly addressed the experience of exile (”sozusagen ein mailied” is one of my favourite exillyrik pieces). 3/5

the harpy, megan hunter yeah this was boooooooring. the cover is really cool & the premise sounded intriguing (women gets cheated on, makes deal with husband that she is allowed to hurt him three times in revenge, women is also obsessed with harpies: female revenge & female monsters is my jam) but it’s literally so dull & trying so hard to be deep. 1.5/5

the liar’s dictionary, eley williams this is such a delightful book, from the design (those marbled endpapers? yes) to the preface (all about what a dictionary is/could be), to the chapter headings (A-Z words, mostly relating to lies, dishonesty, etc in some way or another, containing at least one fictitious entry), to the dual plots (intern at new edition of a dictionary in contemporary england checking the incomplete old dictionary for mountweazels vs 1899 london with the guy putting the mountweazels in), to williams’s clear joy about words and playing with them. there were so many lines that made me think about how to translate them, which is always a fun exercise. 3.5/5

catherine the great & the small, olja knežević (tr. from montenegrin by ellen elias-bursać, paula gordon) coming-of-age-ish novel about katarina from montenegro, who grows up in  titograd/podgorica and belgrad in the 70s/80s, eventually moving to london as an adult. to be honest while there are some interesting aspects in how this portrays yugoslavia and conflicts between the different parts of yugoslavia, i mostly found this a pretty sloggy slog of misery without much to emotionally connect to, which is sad bc i was p excited for it :(. 2/5

the decameron project: 29 new stories from the pandemic, anthology a collection of short stories written during covid lockdown (and mostly about covid/lockdown in some way). they got a bunch of cool authors, including margaret atwood, edwidge danticat, rachel kushner ... it’s an interesting project and the stories are mostly pretty good, but there wasn’t one that really stood out to me as amazing. i also kinda wish more of the stories had diverged more from covid/lockdown thematically bc it got a lil repetitive tbh. 2/5

[belladonnabear]

Dabi X Reader X Bully Hawks

Inspired By: @yandere-love-love-love​

I loved the story Intertwined! I’m a huge fan as well! And I read some ideas that were bouncing back and forth on your account. I really liked a lot of them! Especially the one where soft Dabi comes in to rescue the reader from one of her darkest moments in life. So I was inspired to write this! You can consider this a unofficial sequel to Intertwined! Thank you yandere-love-love-love for helping inspiring me to write this! I hope you all enjoy!

WARNING: Sexual assault, Harassment, Abuse, Cursing, Angst with a happy ending!

Intertwined: https://yandere-love-love-love.tumblr.com/post/186177178656/intertwined

Artist Kadeart For The Picture Above: https://kadeart.tumblr.com/

You wake up with a heavy gasp. Tears dripping down your face and you're coughing ferociously. A queasy feeling bubbles in your stomach. Adrenaline rushing through your veins as you sprint to the bathroom. Flipping the toilet seat up and vomiting up your previous dinner. Not that you ate much to begin with. It felt never ending. Just choking out more excess from your stomach.

If it wasn't for that damn bastard, this wouldn't be happening. The nightmares, the constant feeling of being watched or the unbearable flashbacks you would get from something that reminded you of him. From a lingerie store, to a coffee shop and even cars that looked similar to the one he drove. 

Gagging over the toilet seat with tear stains on your face was how you often woke up these days. Especially after that night.

His dirty hands touching your body.

His eyes leering down at you.

That damn smirk...!

Everything was beginning to spin out of control. The worst part about it, you couldn’t do anything. The feeling of being helpless was always the last thing you felt before you passed out on the bathroom floor. What happened that night with Hawks wasn’t just a nightmare. It was torture. And you felt so small and insignificant compared to him. 

Why me?

~~

Classes began again. Every step towards the campus felt like a ball and chain around both your feet. Hawks hasn’t contacted in a week since the incident but you could feel his eyes watching you. As if testing you.

He stole pieces of your mind day by day. You felt like you were going insane. Everytime you heard about Hawks or saw a glimpse of him from the corner of your eye, you heard his voice from that night.

“No- you can’t leave- I’ll make you want me! No-no-no-“

“Stop! “Stop fighting me! I’m trying to be gentle-”

“Shh, shh- I’ll make this good, I swear I’ll make this good.”

While smacked yourself in the head to try to make yourself stop remembering it. This wasn’t the time yet. Just get through the day. College can’t last forever. Once you’re out of this hellhole, he’ll be gone too....right?

That’s what you said after high school and now look where you are....

“Holy hell...” a voice whispered.

That voice sounded familiar. Turning around, you were met with the most beautiful set of eyes on you. A fairly tall, pale young man of a slim, somewhat lanky build. He has longish black hair that spikes up around his head, hanging low over his eyes, which are thin, turquoise in color, and heavily lidded. His most striking features, however, are undoubtedly the patches of gnarled, wrinkled purple skin that cover much of his lower face and neck, all the way down past his collarbone, below his eyes and on his arms and legs. 

Despite all that, you knew who that man was standing in front of you. It was Dabi. A long lost acquaintance from high school that you occasionally talked to when Hawks wasn’t making your life miserable. He tended to be a loner. Not really having any friends to talk to. His scars seemed to be the main cause for his isolation but he didn’t seem to care. 

“Oh....hey Dabi.” you quietly said.

He eyed you for a moment before saying. “Hey yourself. Didn’t know you came to this place as well.”

“Me too. Did you just transfer here recently?” you asked.

“Yeah. Meant to come here sooner but personal shit got in the way.” he grumbled looking away.

Dabi was a rebel in his teenage days. Life at home sucked. School sucked too. He was a bad boy who had done vandalism, smoking on school grounds and getting into fights. Eventually though, he mellowed out. His siblings helped him become the brother he used to be. Though he still didn’t care much for his dad, he secretly hoped that dad really was trying to change. After some police incident that scarred part of his face, he said he would take the necessary steps in order to help his family. Apparently, that included him too.

“You haven’t changed a bit. Still wearing Hot Topic clearance?” you lightly joked.

A small smile made it to his face. “Still wearing Old Navy off the rack?”

“Meanie.” you pouted.

“Short stuff.” he teased.

The air was light as the two of you talked back and forth on your way to campus. Dabi mostly teasing you and you pretending to be offended. It made you wish you got to know Dabi more. Despite that rugged exterior, a very charming man lied beneath the surface. One who helped make you laugh. It was like being released from prison after serving a long sentence.

“You still make your own little lunches?” Dabi wondered.

“Maybe, why?” you wondered.

“You’re like a junior high girl trying to impress her crush. You’re about the same height as one too!” he smirked.

“Hey! I try to maintain the best diet I can! Besides, what do you have in that bag of yours? Turkey sandwich?” you nudged him.

“Ham sandwich short stuff.” he jabbed back.

“Isn’t that cannibalism?” you giggled.

He narrowed his eyes but the humor was still glinting in them. 

“Well then, why don’t we trade lunches today? You could afford to gain some weight. A balloon could knock you over.” Dabi invited.

You felt as if a rock slammed into your stomach. You haven’t been doing well eating regularly. Skipping breakfast, having a small lunch and then some dinner. Only for most of the meal to be vomited from your mouth around midnight. 

Before you could answer him however, your eyes caught the sight of another man. One who did not like what he was seeing. It was Hawks in the parking lot eyeing you and Dabi viciously. You definitely felt like throwing up now. Dabi seemed to catch what you were staring at and turned his gaze towards the golden boy. Hawks eyes quickly shifted from distaste to calm in a few seconds. Which unerved you to no end.

“Isn’t that Hawks from high school?” he muttered mostly to himself.

“I-I-I’ll s-see you l-later Dabi.” you stammered before running off towards the building. 

Dabi wasn’t an idiot. He heard about the bullying Hawks put you through in high school. Everyone did. But no one said anything because of how influential his parents were. His dad was the Mayor of Hosu City for crying out loud! They were rich upper crusts with enough money to buy your way out of trouble. But now it seems that even after that, Hawks still didn’t leave you alone. And you sounded like a frightened child just by looking at him. It was a feeling Dabi knew all too well. Which made him loathe Hawks more now.

Speaking of the man, Hawks casually strolled over. Hands in his brown Gucci jacket, like he owned the world. But even though his face seemed friendly, deep down Dabi knew Hawks was resenting Dabi inside. Hawks smiled at him and waved casually.

“Hey there scarface, long time no see! I’m surprised you’re not locked up! Thought you got into some trouble with the law!” Hawks greeted.

He already knew where this conversation was going and Dabi didn’t like it one bit.

“Don’t you have better things to do with your time than to pester me idiot?” Dabi scoffed.

“Ouch! Harsh! Don’t worry though, I’ll make this quick for everyone’s sake!” Hawks waved off.

That’s when his face twisted into a look of hostility. Dabi stared him down though not blinking. Like hell he would let this short daddy’s boy try to make him feel puny.

“Stay the fuck away from (Y/N).” Hawks warned.

Dabi rolled his eyes. “Are you still harassing her after all these years? When will you learn to grow up?”

“My baby? No.” Hawks denied.

“Baby? She’s your girlfriend now or something? Cause from what I know about girlfriends, they don’t run away in panic when they see their supposed boyfriend.” Dabi jeered.

“We’re going through a rough patch now and I want to make sure that no one tries to take her from me while we’re figuring stuff out. I saw how cozy you two were getting.” Hawks dismissed.

Now Dabi knew something was going on. There was no way you would date Hawks. Not after the years of torment he gave you. And after all this time, he was still coming after you? This creep couldn’t take no for an answer.

Plus the way Hawks said you two were going through a “rough patch” hit closer to home. The way his father and mother had gone through their own relationship and it ended with a much needed divorce. And he was seeing those same signs repeat here.

“So stay out of our way Dabi. She’s mine.” Hawks hissed.

The man then had a friendly face as he walked to the campus whistling. Dabi could feel the anger radiating from Hawks. Like the man didn’t want anyone near you at all. Is that why you were always by yourself?

He remembered for a moment when he resented the world because of what it did to him. He got these scars from an incident beyond his control. The world couldn’t even look at him because of him. While on the outside he never cared about what they thought, he hated everyone for casting him out. He felt alone. Now it seems like you were going through your own crisis back in those days. But unlike Dabi where he slowly got better from his past, your past seems to keep coming back to you. Whatever the case, Dabi simply couldn’t help but feel like he had to help you somehow.

~~

Classes came and went like the tides. Although you hadn’t heard from him, you felt as if Hawks was eyeing you the whole time. Like he was calculating when his time would be before he striked. Like a vulpture surveying the area before it feasts on its prey.

You had just exited from the bathroom when you saw Hawks leaning on the wall. His eyes shot to yours and you felt nauseous all over again. Your hands began trembling and your eyes began watering and you couldn’t move. So Hawks moved first.

His face looked stern as he said sharply. “You’ve been avoiding me. Is there anything you want to tell me baby? I’m honestly hurt you wouldn’t come to me if you’re having a problem.”

Now you felt angry. How dare he! After everything this man put you through, he’s acting like he’s the victim in this situation!

“Stay the hell away from me Hawks! I mean it!” you snapped.

“You don’t mean it. You’re just upset about how that night went down! I know jealousy is a horrible feeling but do you honestly think that talking to that hood rat was going to mend things?” Hawks sighed.

“What are you talking about?” you questioned with a baffled expression.

Hawks leaned down towards you and your back hit the wall. You felt trapped once again. Small bits and pieces from that night flashed in your mind and your eyes felt watery.

“I mean, I get it. You wanted me to feel jealous after I slept with that girl and you didn’t know about it. So you decided to be friendly with that mongrel this morning to try to get back at me.” Hawks explained.

You honestly wanted to hit him right now. That’s why he thought you were avoiding him? Because he slept with that one girl from class after he locked you in closet and threatened you to be quiet? And after that he raped you moments after it was over! 

“You disgusting piece of shit! What the hell is wrong with you?! You honestly think that I’m mad about you sleeping with someone else?” you snarled.

His eyes looked condescending, like he was your father and you’re the teenager who was caught past curfew. It made you boil inside with absolute fury. 

“Well that is why you didn’t talk to me on the car ride home, right? You were upset with me! But don’t worry! I have blocked all her contact information and haven’t spoken to her since! So-!” Hawks began.

“Just shut up! You’re delusional! I don’t care about you Hawks! In fact, I hate your guts! You honestly want me to pretend like nothing happened! Let me say it aloud since you can’t accept it! You raped me Hawks! You locked me in your closet, had sex with her to try and make me jealous and when that didn’t work, you dragged me into your bedroom and violated me! Want to know why I’m avoiding you?! Because I can’t stand the sight of you! Even just talking to you now I can’t stop thinking about all the terrible things you did to me! I’ve been in agony this whole week because of you! No! Not just this whole week! MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN RUINED BECAUSE OF YOU!” you thundered.

“(Y/N), babe! Sweetheart! Calm down!” he clamped a hand over your mouth to stop your shouting as he leaned closer to you. Pressing his body up against you as you continued to struggle. 

“You know what you just said wasn’t true! You said you loved me! Even before then you said...you said you loved me! I know you’re just going through a rough time now! Our fight has made things difficult and you can’t trust me anymore! I get it! But I’m willing to work things through! That’s what you do for the people you love! And I really do love you beautiful!” Hawks cheerfully said with dreamy look in his eyes.

You bit his hand harshly and he removed it from your mouth. You then screamed right at his face. “YOU MANIPULATED ME BASTARD! I ONLY SAID THAT BECAUSE YOU LOCKED ME IN A STORAGE CONTAINER AND WOULDN’T LET ME OUT! YOU’VE HIT ME! YOU SPREAD RUMORS ABOUT ME SO I HAD NOBODY TO RELY ON! WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF ALL OF THIS IF YOU CAN’T EVER LEAVE ME ALONE?!”

“Stop it! You know I had to do those things baby girl! You weren’t thinking properly! I had to take action! You’re just scared of starting a relationship!” Hawks scolded.

“THE ONLY THING I’M SCARED OF IS YOU!” you bellowed.

He once again covered your mouth but this time with his lips. He kissed you passionately. Letting his hands feel up and down your body. You tried pushing him away but he kept his arms wrapped tight around you. Like a python around its prey. Nobody was around. Most had left for lunch and you weren’t anywhere close to the cafeteria. 

You were all alone yet again with the man you despised more than anyone.

He pulled away and softly said. “Don’t worry honey. I’ll make it up to you. Say, the bathroom will work right? I’ll make you love me again!”

And just when you think you were going to faint right on the spot, a voice spoke up.

“Get your fucking hands off her.”

The two of you turned as your eyes glazed at Dabi. The man looked furiously at Hawks. Like he was pure scum that had no reason to exist. 

“The hell are you doing here?” Hawks questioned.

That’s when Dabi held up his phone. It was a video. A video that played the conversation the two of you were just having. Starting from when you said.

“Stay the hell away from me Hawks! I mean it!”

And ending with the chilling finale.

“I’ll make you love me again!”

You pushed Hawks away and he stumbled back into the middle of the hallway. Dabi then motioned for you to come over to him. Which you did without a second of hesitation. You hid behind him gripping on the back of his black jacket. You whispered quietly to him.

“How did you find us?”

“I wanted to have lunch with you.” Dabi smiled reassuringly.

Then his eyes went back to Hawks but with a resentful look. Hawks still looked frozen on the spot. The video had really put the egotistical man child in his place. He knew deep down if that video got out, it was all over for him. His name would be ruined, his family would be ashamed, they would cast him out as a disgrace to the family, he would lose his scholarship, never get his diploma and would living out on the streets. Without his parents money, he would have nothing.

And Dabi knew it too. While Hawks was keeping his eyes on you, he never noticed Dabi keeping his focus on the degenerate. After seeing you and Hawks alone in the hallway, he realized that something was about to happen. So just in case, he filmed the entire ordeal from around the stairs. Quietly making sure you wouldn’t hear him or see him. What he caught made him want to beat the living shit out of Hawks. The claims you made against Hawks were vile. In Dabi’s own opinion, Hawks shouldn’t be allowed to be anywhere on Earth, let alone the victim he’s been tormenting for so long.

And if you were too scared to do anything about it, Dabi would stand up for you. He knew the pain of being abused and pushed around till you feel like dying. Someone as kind as you didn’t deserve this. 

“So here’s how it’s going to go champ.” Dabi glared at him head on. “You go anywhere near (Y/N), me or our families: I release this video everywhere. Twitter, YouTube, Instagram, Facebook or hell even MySpace. All these websites will have it. I’ll even tag the university and your parents too. Just think about it. Hosu City’s mayor has a pathetic excuse of a son like you! I couldn’t imagine the reaction the public would get!”

Hawk’s eyes narrowed. “You wouldn’t.”

“I fucking would.” Dabi confirmed.

You looked at the two men nervously. Both were giving each other such hateful looks. Hawks was shaking in pure rage. Like he was holding back everything he has from killing Dabi right here. Dabi looked at him smugly. He knew he had the ace in the hole. And so did you.

“So what’s it going to be? You have three seconds to decide. Going once....going twice....going-.” Dabi started counting.

“Wait!” Hawks shouted.

You were all in silence. Hawks breathing became heavy.  As he stared at you in desperation. It made you sick.

“Love, please....please don’t do this to me. I need you.” Hawks pleaded.

It was pathetic.  He knew he was losing everything. This video was the end of his fantasies and desires. His crush on you from middle school is finally coming to an end. It should have ended long ago but the demented man refused to ever accept that.

“Leave me the hell alone Hawks. And this time, never come back.” you snapped.

“She’s made up her mind. Now get the fuck outta here.” Dabi warned.

Hawks gave you one last look. A heart wrenching look that might have anyone else feel guilty or have a second thought. But not this time. You were done being his prisoner. It was time to finish the chapter to this story.

You looked away from him and hid behind Dabi. Closing your eyes and gripping onto the man tight. You were refusing to allow Hawks to even look at you. You could hear a pained whine come from the blonde but eventually he walked the opposite way of where you and Dabi were standing. The sound of doors slamming finally made you open your eyes. 

“He’s gone now.” Dabi softly said.

That’s when you took a deep breath and realized you were holding it in for so long. Afraid Hawks would do something rash that would result in you and Dabi getting hurt.

Eventually, you sunk onto the floor. Breathing in and out heavily while on your knees. Warm arms wrapped around you as Dabi stroked your hair. He shushed you quietly and murmured.

“It’s okay now. He’s gone. He’s not coming back.”

Eventually, you began crying. It was all too much. These last few minutes were overwhelming and you felt like you needed to let it all out. Tears of horror dripped down when you almost realized how close you were to reliving that night again right here on campus. Sobs of disgust after everything Hawks had done to you and was going to do to you. And small hiccups of relief when you realized it was over. It was finally over!

Eventually, your cries were silent. Wet cheeks covered your face. No doubt smearing any makeup you had on you. But you stared at Dabi in the eyes. In his wonderful sapphire eyes and whispered with a shaky voice. 

“T-T-Thank y-you D-Dabi. Tha-Thank y-y-y-you!”

Your arms wrapped around him as well. You just needed to hold him after everything that has happened. Dabi rocked you back and forth as you slowly began calming down. He then spoke up after a moment.

“I wasn’t going to send the video out to the internet. It was just a threat.” Dabi clarified.

You looked up at him as he continued. “Didn’t want you to experience everyone knowing about you from that one video or something. You shouldn’t have one of your trauma’s posted out to the internet for everyone to see. However, this video can be showed to the police or heck even get you a restraining order. Either way, I wasn’t going to humiliate you for the whole world to see. Just needed show the bastard that I wasn’t going to allow you to get hurt anymore.”

You smiled at him. “D-Dabi, that means a lot to me. Thank you...”

“I’m sorry I was watching by quietly (Y/N). My gut was telling me the slimy little bitch was going to do something to you. I wanted you safe from him. I could tell from the parking lot that something was wrong.” Dabi apologized.

“Don’t apologize! You stood up for me! You got proof! You saved my life Dabi!” you insisted.

Dabi felt relief roll down his shoulders. Like a huge weight was lifted off of him but now that the first step was complete, he needed to assure your recovery.

“So (Y/N) what do you want to do with this video? We could take him to court. Or we could let him sweat it out for the rest of his life. Your call. I’ll help. I won’t let you down.” Dabi assured.

You thought about it for a moment. You didn’t want Hawks to ever come back to you. But no matter how many times you’ve told him that, he always came back. This time you couldn’t screw things up. Dabi has helped you get this far, you might as well take this advantage while you can. Hawks will try something to get you back. So you had to try something to get him to leave you alone.

“I....I want a restraining order. We can try to get the police involve....but I don’t want that video out there for the world to see. Knowing Hawks, he’s already thinking about a way to try and get me back.” you decided.

Dabi slowly nodded. “Sounds good. My old man never liked Hawk’s family. Didn’t agree with their political views or whatever. He’s got a big agency we can take this video too. If that old man is really trying to change, then this is his chance to prove it.”

Dabi had a dark look in his eyes. A look that was all too familiar to you. Leaning in, you kissed his rough cheek. He froze on the spot and you pulled away.

“Dabi, I’ll be there for you too. I’m sure you’ve gone through some hell as well. Let’s promise right here and now, we’ll be there to support each other. No matter what happens.” you said with a determined look.

Dabi looked surprised. The quiet reserved (Y/N) was already starting to break out of her shy demeanour. And he couldn’t afford to waste this moment. He held up his hand and stuck his pinkie out. 

“Only if you agree to let me take you out on a proper date.”

You interlocked pinkies that day and changed your future.

Six Years Later...

“Dabi! Hurry up! We’ll miss the dolphins!”

“I’m coming short stuff!”

Dabi groaned but he adored the smile on his girlfriend’s face. She was wearing a sundress with flower petals on it. The two of them were on the beach away from the gigantic crowd. They heard from a local that this was the best spot to see the dolphins and (Y/N) insisted on going there. Today was a special day so they walked all the way there.

It was their six year anniversary since the two started dating. Their lives significantly changed since they reunited in college. Dabi was out of his rebellious teenage stage and was now a happily taken man. He was slowly trying to open himself up to his family again. Enji was trying to make significant changes to appreciate his family. Even though his mom never remarried him again, she was still happy and loved (Y/N) as much as Dabi loved her.

His siblings loved her too. Fuyumi and her were sisters from their first meeting, Natsuo tried to tell embarrassing stories about Dabi he got him back with his own embarrassing stories  and Shoto thought you were good enough for his elder brother. The siblings however were wondering when Dabi would pop the question though.

Well....he hoped it would be today....

In his black shorts was the small box containing the very expensive ring. He silently prays that it doesn’t fall from his fingers and is lost in the ocean forever. That would be his luck after all. (Y/N) was taking a photo of the sunset on the shore with her phone. Which reminded Dabi of the time when she was under that asshole’s thumb.

Enji took on the case fiercely. (Y/N) did manage to get a restraining order placed against him. Hawks parents were not pleased at all to hear of what had happened. He had been put on the sex offenders list as well. Hawks remained confirmed that he wasn’t guilty. Simply saying that (Y/N) was taking things out of context in the heat of the moment. So while his sentence wasn’t that long, his life was ruined. His parents cut Hawks from them after the scandal had accidentally been leaked to the public. No one really knows what happened to the man since. His small prison time was over now after one year later, no one has heard from Hawks since. Some say he’s homeless in the city trying to survive after his parents stopped giving him money. Some say his parents are giving him money but they’re not letting the public know. So Hawks is living under a new identity far away from everyone and everything he knows. Some even say he’s trying to make a living but is trying to hide who he is from the public.

Dabi doesn’t care what Hawks was doing. He could be dead for all Dabi cares. Hawks social media hasn’t been used in ages and Dabi never found him on the news anywhere. He had to make sure Hawks wouldn’t come back to you. You two were far away from Hosu City and were now living much happier lives out in the country. But back then, you two were still worried about if Hawks would come after you. It pained him to hear you wake up from nightmare after nightmare recalling the events that night had brought to you. However, he stayed by your side. Getting you to see a therapist and getting some antidepressants. With time, patience, courage, you were finally starting to be happy. Genuinely happy. 

You two graduated from university together. Both of your families meeting each other for the first time. It was kind of awkward for Dabi at first but your parents quickly warmed up to him when they saw how much happier you were with him. But now, he wanted you to be the most happy woman in the world. 

“Look! Dabi! The dolphins! And there’s a cute baby one too!” you squealed.

The striped dolphins were jumping over the waves making whistling and trilling. Your eyes lit up as you took a few photos. The dolphins were cute but Dabi thought you were cuter.

When you turned around to ask him something you saw he was on one knee. Revealing a diamond ring to you. His eyes blazing like fire.

“You’ve been the greatest treasure I could have asked for. We’ve been through hell and back together. But no matter what we go through, we’ll always be together. But now, I want to do this together with you as your husband. So will you be my wife short stuff?” Dabi grinned.

A smile stretched across your face as you nodded and whispered. “Yes! Yes!”

He slid the ring onto your finger and then kissed it. You leaped down to him and kissed him on the lips. He lifted you up and kissed you back just as passionately.

A new chapter indeed.

~~

I feel reeeeallly bad because I love canon Hawks from BNHA but I wanted to make this story!

Thank you for reading!

[maddie-grove]

My Top Ten Georgian (Ish) Romance Novels

Notes: I’m doing a top ten instead of a top five for Georgian, Regency, and Victorian romance novels, because I’ve just read way too many good ones to stop at five! Also, I’m using Georgian to mean the years from 1714 (when George I became King of Great Britain and Ireland) to 1803 (when the Napoleonic Wars started). Once a romance novel’s set in 1803 or 1804, it starts to feel less like “French Revolution hangover” and more like “it’s almost the Regency.” 

1. The Leopard Prince by Elizabeth Hoyt (2007)

Exact Setting: 1760s England.

Premise: Independently wealthy Lady Georgina Maitland doesn’t care to marry, instead preferring to collect fairy tales and look after her rural estate with the help of her steward, Harry Pye. Yet she feels drawn to Harry, who is quiet and gentle and very good at carving small animal figurines out of wood. Their budding romance is threatened, though, by the growing hostility of their community, Harry’s complicated family secrets, and, yes, a series of sinister sheep-murders.

Why I Like It: Sometimes, the sexiest thing a man can do is make an exquisite little wooden hedgehog with his own two hands. Harry is a wonderful hero, kind and unassuming and ready to throw down the second some evil nobleman threatens the poacher’s son. I am also very fond of Georgina, an absent-minded folklore aficionado after my own heart. The rural setting is delightfully spooky, and the plot pulls together a lot of moving parts in a very effective way.

Favorite Scene: Harry and Georgina are reunited after he’s kidnapped and nearly murdered by said evil nobleman.

2. To Seduce a Sinner by Elizabeth Hoyt (2008)

Exact Setting: 1760s England.

Premise: When Jasper Renshaw, Lord Vale, is jilted for the second time in one year, unassuming Melisande Fleming offers herself as a substitute bride. Although Jasper seems like an ordinary and rather dry man, Melisande has secretly loved him ever since she saw his extraordinary kindness in a private moment. Jasper accepts because it’s convenient, only to be pleasantly surprised by their chemistry. Their marriage is going well...except that his horrible experiences during the Seven Years’ War are coming back to haunt him, both psychologically and in the sense that somebody is trying to murder them.

Why I Like It: Jasper’s combination of dry humor and hidden tenderness is pretty irresistible, while Melisandre’s gradual overcoming of her near-pathological reserve and self-denial is very moving. The suspense plot is exciting and carries unexpected emotional weight, plus there’s a nice side-romance between Jasper’s tough valet and Melisande’s enterprising lady’s maid. Finally, the sex scenes are super-hot.

Favorite Scene: Melisande flashes back to the moment she fell in love with Jasper.

3. An Unlikely Countess by Jo Beverley (2011)

Exact Setting: 1760s England.

Premise: After doing a good turn for genteel but desperately poor Prudence Youlgrave, directionless Catesby “Cate” Burgoyne thinks he’ll never see her again. Then he inherits an earldom from his estranged older brother. Not eager to return to his difficult family, Cate stops by Prudence’s village on the way home, hoping to check on the stranger he so fondly remembers. When he finds that she’s on the verge of marrying a lecherous old man at her shitty brother’s insistence, he impulsively offers to marry her instead...forgetting to mention that he’s no longer a cash-strapped second son. Prudence is prepared to deal with financial woes, but is she ready to handle the duties of a countess, a semi-dysfunctional aristocratic family, and murder?

Why I Like It: It should be clear by now that I’m a sucker for stories about creepy English country houses, and this novel certainly delivers. Beverley also takes a great deal of care in establishing the personalities of Prudence and Cate outside of their relationship, making the romance between them especially potent. Their consideration for each other makes me like them a lot, and it’s also weirdly sexy.

Favorite Scene: Cate and Prudence have a quiet moment together after he saves her from ruffians.

4. Thief of Shadows by Elizabeth Hoyt (2012)

Exact Setting: 1730s England.

Premise: Widowed Isabel, Lady Beckinhall, may be jaded and a touch hedonistic, but she’s also very interested in the welfare of the St. Giles Home for Unfortunate Infants and Foundling Children. In order to do this, she’s willing to teach Winter Makepeace, the middle-class proprietor, some social graces so he can help with fundraising. Winter disagrees that he needs to develop his networking skills, plus he has other reasons for wanting to keep this improper yet intriguing lady at bay...reasons that may or may not involve a secret crime-fighting identity!

Why I Like It: The contrast between Isabel’s insouciance and Winter’s severity is a lot of fun; it’s not uncommon for a rakish hero to be paired with a buttoned-up heroine, yet the reverse is rare. He’s more softhearted and she’s more interested in being a good person than their exteriors would suggest, but those exteriors add a little spice. This novel is also one of the best adventure stories in the genre, with plenty of skulduggery and derring-do to go around. 

Favorite Scene: Isabel discovers Winter’s secret identity (it’s sexy).

5. A Scandalous Countess by Jo Beverley (2012)

Exact Setting: 1760s England.

Premise: Georgia, Lady Maybury, used to be the darling of society...until her young husband died in a duel and rumors spread that she put his opponent up to it because she wanted to be with him instead. Now she’s out of mourning and trying to start anew, but someone has resurrected the old rumors. Prickly Humphrey, Lord Dracy, is willing to stand by her side, but could he have ulterior motives?

Why I Like It: Although I like the romance, the main appeal of this book is that it’s top-drawer melodrama starring a complex, charismatic heroine. There is no shortage of deliciously lurid nonsense, and Beverley builds a wonderfully constructed plot around it. I just luxuriated in the drama of it all the first time I read it. In addition, Georgia’s anguish over the loss of her husband (who was more of a best friend than a lover but still extremely important to her) and loneliness when she’s left behind by her friends gives the book a strong emotional core beneath the pulp. She also matures without having to flagellate herself for being high-spirited or making minor mistakes.

Favorite Scene: Georgia and Dracy try to solve her husband’s murder and deal with additional drama at a masquerade ball.

6. Heartless by Mary Balogh (1995)

Exact Setting: 1750s England.

Premise: Lucas Kendrick returns to London after years of exile to take over the dukedom he inherited from his estranged brother. He’s also looking for a bride and, instead of doing the expected thing and marrying beautiful debutante Lady Agnes Marlowe, he chooses her older sister Anna, who sacrificed her early youth to keep her family together through tough times. Charmed by Anna’s sweetness and maturity, he believes that this convenient marriage may turn out to be a love match as well. Unfortunately, Anna is being stalked by a traumatic past, both metaphorically and literally, that sows mistrusts between them and also puts them in physical danger. Plus, Lucas’s family relationships have to be sorted out and Anna’s deaf teenage sister needs to learn sign language! There’s a lot going on.

Why I Like It: In theory, I should dislike this romance. If Lucas had used a shred of understanding in the first act of the novel, he would’ve picked up on Anna’s traumatic past early on, saving them both a lot of heartache and enabling them to stop her stalker at least one hundred pages sooner. I think it works here because (a) Lucas’s negative reaction to Anna’s suspicious behavior is pretty measured (he withdraws emotionally and makes some stupid assumptions, but he’s not ever really mad at her and he still wants to make the marriage of convenience work) and (b) both characters are set up in such a way that you get why it takes so long for them to communicate (his default mode is to keep to himself, while she’s understandably reticent to talk about the horrible stuff she’s been through and stung by Lucas’s assumptions). Instead of frustrating the reader, Balogh wrings maximum angst from the set-up, making for great catharsis. 

Favorite Scene: As much as I love the angst, the unexpected initial romance of Anna and Lucas’s courtship was what truly reeled me in.

7. Duke of Desire by Elizabeth Hoyt (2017)

Exact Setting: 1740s England.

Premise: Proper widow Iris Daniels, Lady Jordan, is traveling home from a friend’s wedding when she’s waylaid by a secret society of evil aristocrats. Raphael de Chartres, the Duke of Dyemore, has infiltrated the society to bring it down, but he endangers his cover by rescuing Iris and throwing her in his carriage. Unfortunately, Iris thinks he’s just a regular evil aristocrat, so she shoots him, making it necessary for her to nurse him back to health at his secluded estate. She does a good job, but they still have to deal with the evil secret society and his all-consuming desire for revenge.

Why I Like It: Hoyt’s romances all have a fairy-tale feel, and she makes wonderful use of that atmosphere in Duke of Desire. Rafe lives in a dusty, disused castle, filled with old secrets and staffed by fiercely protective Corsican servants. Scarred and angry, Rafe has serious Beast-from-Beauty-and-the-Beast vibes, except he never kidnaps anyone and actually tries to deal with his serious mental health issues even before Iris brings a more sensible perspective into his life. I appreciated his family relationships, both with his sweet, disfigured maternal aunt and the monstrous father that he nevertheless loved.

Favorite Scene: I really like Rafe’s aunt, who could have easily been a Morality Pet but instead comes across as a capable, kindhearted woman who returns Rafe’s uncharacteristically gentle concern for her welfare.

8. The Pursuit of ... by Courtney Milan (2017)

Exact Setting: 1780s America (on a road trip from Virginia to Maine) and England.

Premise: John Hunter, a black Patriot soldier in the American Revolutionary War, finds himself fighting a white Redcoat who (a) won’t shut up and (b) outright asks John to kill him because he doesn’t want to go home. Instead, John gives the other soldier his jacket and tells him to start a new life in America. The last thing he expects is for the other soldier, Henry Latham, to show up at his camp post-battle and ask how he can repay John for saving his life. It turns out that John could use a companion on the long, perilous trip to his home in Maine, although he’s reluctant to trust a white dude who could choose to disregard his debt at any moment. As the trip progresses, however, they get to know each other and grow closer.

Why I Like It: When I read a Courtney Milan romance, I know that I’m not going to be bored. Her zippy dialogue, sense of humor, and use of interesting themes make even her weaker romances fun reads, and The Pursuit of ... is among her strongest. John and Henry are both engaging, sympathetic characters who interact with each other wonderfully; I especially enjoy how Henry’s incessant loopy patter bounces off of John’s deadpan remarks. The novella also balances its humor very well with serious discussions on what it means to live in a country whose reality falls so short of its ideals.

Favorite Scene: John’s reaction to hearing why Henry’s dad made him join the military.

9. Duke of Sin by Elizabeth Hoyt (2016)

Exact Setting: 1740s England.

Premise: Valentine Napier, the Duke of Montgomery, is a very bad man who goes around blackmailing and kidnapping his fellow aristocrats willy-nilly. Bridget Crumb, his housekeeper, is determined to stop him from blackmailing one lady in particular. They get along surprisingly well! Also, a bunch of crazy shit happens involving the evil society from Duke of Desire.

Why I Like It: I don’t know why, but Valentine Napier just cracks me up. He’s like a hotter, more sinister Dr. Doofenshmirtz, and I love him. He brags to Bridget about doing evil stuff that he doesn’t actually do, and then she goes behind his back and quietly undoes his latest scheme. Then he does something nice for her dog. Then he spouts a lot of flowery poetic nonsense (usually about how he has no heart and she’s a beautiful angel filled with integrity). Then they make out. It’s a beautiful, ridiculous relationship that’s propped up by a delightfully baroque novel.

Favorite Scene: Val sulks because his heartless self can’t relate to his beloved half-sister now that she’s happily married. EVIL.

10. Promised Land by Rose Lerner (2017)

Exact Setting: 1780s America (New York and Virginia).

Premise: Some time ago, Rachel Mendelson left her home and marriage in New York City to disguise herself as Ezra Jacobs and join the Patriot Army. Now she’s a corporal, and the Battle of Yorktown looms on the horizon. And who should show up but Nathan, the husband she loved but couldn’t live with, working as a Patriot spy? As the battle approaches, they struggle to work out the reasons why their first attempt at marriage failed, as well as their future as Jewish Americans.

Why I Like It: Lerner fits a lot of complexity into one novella without ever descending into inelegance. Without a single flashback, she communicates the entire history of Rachel and Nathan’s marriage, which was marked by affection and sexual attraction as well as painful class tensions and family dynamics. She tackles Nathan and Rachel’s differing approaches to their religion in an intelligent, nuanced way. Plus, the battlefield scenes wouldn’t be out of place in Hemingway--like, top-tier Hemingway, not the kind you make fun of.

Favorite Scene: The battlefield scenes, or Rachel’s description of her planned memoirs.

Further Notes: The Leopard Prince is #2 in the Prince Trilogy (which are only very loosely related). To Seduce a Sinner is #2 in the Four Soldiers series, and I would recommend reading the also-very-good To Taste Temptation first. Thief of Shadows, Duke of Sin, and Duke of Pleasure are #4, #10, and #12 in the Maiden Lane series, respectively, and that’s a series that I’d recommend reading in order, because I started with #2 instead of #1 and that alone was confusing. An Unlikely Countess and A Scandalous Countess are both spinoffs of Jo Beverley’s Malloren series, but I enjoyed them despite only reading one Malloren romance proper and one other spinoff. Heartless has a sequel, Silent Melody, which is also very good in a bonkers way. The Pursuit of ... and Promised Land are both part of the Hamilton’s Battalion anthology, plus The Pursuit of ... is technically part of Milan’s Worth Saga, although you don’t need to read any of them to understand it.

[trashyslashers]

Hey I have a request. If you could do it I would be very thankful. It's for 2007 michael. So one day a nurse has to bring his sister with her so she can fill her position when said nurse takes the maternity leave. S/o meets Michael and when she fills her sister's place she get assigned to be Michael's personal nurse. For some reason she and Michael click and he gets a crush on her. He ask Loomis for help . And Loomis decided to help them. In the end Michael ends up living with so happily.

I think this is actually the first time I’ve written specifically for 2007 Michael!! Fun fact, the 2007 remake of Halloween was the first of ANY of the movies that I saw, and I saw it when I was like… 12 or 13? I spent the next several years thinking that that was how the original story went, so when I was like 14/15 and found out that it was actually completely different… [insert surprised Pikachu]. 

So to be honest, I had trouble figuring out how I could realistically write Loomis encouraging a romantic relationship between Michael and nurse!reader and then allowing him to live with her (given how I doubt they’d release him), so I kinda changed it a little bit and had it so Loomis encouraged a sort of almost-friendship between them (while they still secretly had a romantic relationship going on), and they continued said relationship as time went on. 

———————————————————————————————————–

The first thing Michael notices about you is how soft spoken, gentle, and kind you are towards not only him - but all the others there. Even the most violent, rude of the patients weren’t treated awfully or scorned by you, and something about that tugs at his heart in a way he’s never felt before. It reminds him of his mother, almost - she was always kind, smiling, loving to him, even when Ronnie was ranting and raving. 

You were young, probably the youngest nurse in the ward, and you were shadowing your older sister to learn the ropes so you could fill her place while she went on maternity leave. It was odd, but something about that rouse a desire to get close to you, in him - like he needed to protect you. 

The day came where you were on your own as your sister had to take her leave, and given how compliant Michael seemed to be with you, with your OK you were assigned to be his personal nurse. Your job was to make sure he was alright - escort him to and from appointments, bring him any meds that you were directed to, assist him with anything he wasn’t authorized to do on his own, and the like. 

You’d be lying if you said you weren’t slightly intimidated. Though it happened when you were still relatively young, you’d heard about his history, his murders, and that combined with his silent, hulking nature and his reluctance to show his face unnerved you to some degree. Though intimidated, you didn’t really feel threatened, surprisingly. The doctors as well as your sister had given you the rundown on him; only very brief, minor altercations with staff and other patients in the past that usually were provoked by them were the extent of his criminal history while in Smith’s Grove, and you hoped it would remain that way. 

A recent, newly found pro of constantly wearing his papier-mâché masks 24/7 was that they, along with his unkempt hair, provided ample cover for his eyes and he was able to leave them focused on you without your notice. It wasn’t a lustful or hostile stare from him; rather it was one of curiosity and blooming feelings of warmth. Sooner or later, Michael had developed a crush on you. He wasn’t well versed at all in romantics and had no idea that the warm feelings of adoration he suddenly felt for you were romantic, but if anyone had been able to read his mind, they’d be able to call it immediately. 

Though Michael never spoke during his sessions with Loomis, Loomis was able to note subtle differences in his general demeanor. A mention of your name resulted in him, very subtly, perking up; a slight tilt of his head, his head lifted ever so slightly, his shoulders not so sunk. It didn’t take too long for Loomis to realize that Michael was harboring some positive feelings towards you.

Dr. Loomis wasn’t ignorant to what as going on - though he wasn’t aware of the extent of it. He was completely shocked by how compliant and docile Michael was with you - for the most part it usually took a bit of convincing from any staff member to get him to do anything, but all you needed to do was say “Ready, Mikey?” and he seemed eager and willing to do whatever it was you needed him to do. It was a change, and it was the sort of breakthrough-esque change that baffled Loomis enough to encourage a sort of relationship between you and Michael. Not romantic, though, of course - it was illegal, unethical, and Loomis still stood by his word that Michael was still almost entirely an empty vessel of evil. 

You would’ve been full of it if you’d said you hadn’t begun to feel something awfully similar to a crush, and as the weeks went on and your 1 on 1 time with Michael did nothing to stop it. You noticed that Dr. Loomis had been acting somewhat odd, as well; asking more and more questions about what you and Michael do when you’re with him, if he’s spoken to you, shown his face to you, what you think about him, and so on. You couldn’t help but find it a bit odd, the amount of interest he seemed to have, but nonetheless you’d tell him snippets every now and then, enough to make him think he knew a lot, but in reality it wasn’t even nearly that.

Before you knew it, you found yourself in a sort of romantic relationship with Michael. It’d started one night; you were being relieved early as you had something else to attend to, and Michael sat somewhat slumped at the desk in his room as he put together yet another one of his infamous paper masks. With a deep huff, you ducked down, and pressed a quick, chaste kiss to the rough and dry cheek of his orange mask - the pumpkin mask he seemed to like wearing more than the others. 

From then on, it was settled. Given how Michael didn’t harshly reject you, shove you away, hurt you, or anything like that, you took that as an invitation to continue and he seemed to enjoy it. Though he never really did reciprocate apart from wrapping stiff arms around you if you hugged him, every now and then he’d vaguely gesture to the part of his mask that you initially pressed your lips to as a way to ask for another kiss.

Loomis, in his endeavor to try and figure out more about Michael, his psyche, and what about you caused the sudden change, made sure that you were the one with him the most. Any time you were in the hospital, you were assigned to him - no one else. Not even the large, burly men that used to escort Michael to and from appointments in case he acted out - their presence was unnecessary now as Michael seemed much more content with you. Any time anyone spoke negatively about the situation, questioning if it were smart, if you were too young or too inexperienced to be one on one with someone like Michael, and so on, were met with an almost dismissive Loomis as he told them not to worry, he knew what he was doing, it was part of Michael’s treatment. 

Eventually, your elder sister returned and you were unable to keep such long shifts with Michael, instead swapping out with your sister. Despite this small hiccup, it was still insisted by Loomis that you work with Mikey whenever it was possible, and that was something both you and Michael were more than content with.

[alternislatronemhq]

Congrats, ELLIE, you have been accepted to AL for the role of SEVERUS SNAPE (FC: aneurin barnard). HOLY CRAPOLY, ELLIE! This app was absolutely fantastic! I couldn’t pull myself away from reading it and was just seriously BLOWN AWAY. This is everything I ever could have dreamed for in a portrayal for a character as central to the plot as Severus is! You truly have a gift and I’m so excited you’re here! Please send in your blog (no sideblogs for first characters, please) in the next 24 hours and be sure to take a look at our new player checklist. Welcome home (once again), we’re so excited to have you join the family!

OOC

name — ellie. age — 20+ pronouns — she/her. timezone — GMT. activity level — i’m not a very fast writer tbh, but i don’t have any other hobbies or rl obligations to keep me from rp atm so i should be able to maintain more than 3 paras a week.

IC Overview

name — severus tobias snape. faceclaim — aneurin barnard, louis garrel, richard harmon. age — 26. gender — cis male.

sexuality — demisexual, biromantic. He lacks the terminology for it, and simply regards sex as yet another social endeavor for which he is ill-equipped.

patronus — doe. yes, it still works. no, he doesn’t understand why or how. he is most certainly not pure of heart. the memory he calls on to summon the patronus is his first dinner with the evans family, where mrs. evans piled his plate high with steak and mashed potatoes and peas, and lily snuck her broccoli onto his plate discreetly while trying not to make a face, and petunia was spending the night at a friend’s house across the street and too far away to ruin the lighthearted atmosphere. they joked and laughed and cleaned the dishes afterwards. it was the first proper family dinner he’s had in his life.

boggart — voldemort. Not, specifically, for the man himself although he is a rather striking figure on his own – but rather for what the man represents to snape. Voldemort represents how far snape’s ambition and thirst for power and knowledge will take him if left unchecked. He represents a hungry and gaping and greedy part of snape that will take and take and take, and grow hungrier and greedier still, uncaring. Losing control in such a manner – allowing himself to be led astray by a mad man and his mad men, doing their bidding and spreading pain and grief and loss, thinking himself so righteous and vindicated – the worst parts of himself, unvarnished, laid bare for him to see. Snape has long since discarded any illusions of himself he may have entertained before the war. He knows the parts that make him up. He knows what he does and why he does it. He knows how far he will go without an anchor — and he fears being unmoored and unrestrained most of all. Fears what he will allow himself to do, without a pragmatic set of rules and ethics to keep him in line.

IC In Depth

personality traits —

+Loyal: snape’s loyalty is difficult to earn, but impossible to lose. He has a thorough, comprehensive, all-or-nothing approach towards loyalty. You either have it or you don’t. All of him or none of him. He will give you his soul – his strength, his work, his honour, his dignity, his life, his word – or he will give you nothing. Thus far, the only people who have earned his loyalty are lily evans and albus dumbledore.

+Sharp: snape is clever and perceptive, his intelligence owed in large due to the many hours spent in his mother’s company as a child, listening to her stories and her theories and her careful instruction. She was not a pleasant woman, nor a kind mother, but she taught him the power of knowledge at a young age, and the sharp glint of intelligence in his eyes matched hers.

+Hardworking: say what you will about snape’s character flaws – of which he has plenty, and of which there is quite a lot to say – but his work ethic has always been and will always be impeccable, beyond reproach. He never does things by half. He is a hard worker who spares no efforts once he sets his mind to a task.

-Antagonistic: he holds firm to an unpleasant disposition and hostile countenance. It is his nature to be wary and suspicious and to hold others in low esteem until proven wrong. Snape takes most attempts at social interaction with a grain of salt, expecting mockery and insolence and responding swiftly in kind.

-Bitter: snape’s biggest motivator is spite. He’s a man of well-groomed grudges, what can he say? growing up in poverty with a bitter mother and an unpleasant father, both of whom were uncreative in how they let out their frustrations and rather liberal in tossing about blame for everything that had gone wrong in their lives, had left him with quite an armful of ill-advised coping methods and a less than stellar personality overall.

-Selfish: it’s not that he’s incapable of love and affection. He is demonstrably and regrettably capable of both. He has, as well, displayed a certain capacity for selfless action when it came to his precious few loved ones. Sometimes. But, well. Well. It’s not his default. He spent many years with his head firmly stuck up his ass, seeing and caring about nothing but his own interests and his own ambitions and dreams finally being realized — and nearly lost the only thing in his rather pathetic life that held any meaning whatsoever. And he is still selfish by nature. Even in the years since he’d come to dumbledore to yet again pledge his allegiance to yet another all powerful and all conniving old wizard – the irony of which was not lost on him, not for a moment, rest assured – selflessness is still an installed feature that he must think consciously of before implementing. And, most of the time, it is not something he chooses to do.

-Deceptive: if snape was the sort to keep count of such things – and, as a spy, he most assuredly is – he would truthfully disclose that, in every relationship he’s built in his life since he was old enough for hogwarts, there is a layer of deception that must be adhered to at all times. An intermingling web of lies and half truths and omissions that must be observed with careful attention, lest the whole thing unravel and spill out his doom. He’s a spy. At least now it’s become part and parcel of who he is. At least, he now has a quasi-noble purpose to attach to the rather sticky threads of which he is – secretly – fond. He can admit, if only to himself, that he doesn’t know how to build a relationship without some form of deception to maintain throughout.

character biography —

PROLOGUE.

he stands on his tiptoes over the wooden chair, stirring with the ladle in both hands. clockwise, clockwise, counter-clockwise…. let the ladle rest against the side of the cauldron for thirty seconds. the liquid is two shades off. he adds a pinch of powder, and the color adjusts.

mam’s sharp eyes follow his every move. she nods, stiffly. tension uncoils from his shoulders. “when you get to hogwarts,” she says, brusque, “you’ll be at the top of your class.”

it’s not explicit praise, told more like a command, really, but it’s close enough. emboldened, he asks, “will i ‘ave friends at ‘ogwarts?” he looks up. watches. “lots and lots o’ friends?”

mam blinks. the silence stretches. she pats his head, drops her hand down to his shoulder. “of course, sev. lots and lots. now help me pack everything away before your dad comes home.”

ACT I.

can a place be both hell and home?

well, if it can be — if it’s possible to love and hate a place with equal intensity, if it’s possible to feel like a jigsaw puzzle slotting into place at last and still look over your shoulder and jump at every sound — if it is, then to severus, hogwarts was that place. the home that was unsafe, the home with danger at every corner, the home with no way out. no way out but through.

it’s not s’pposed to be like this, he’d thought, eleven and still a touch naive. this can’t be right. but what did he know about homes and safety, anyway? was Spinner’s End not the same, except smaller and with less magic? did he not look over his shoulder and watch his every step just the same?

being a halfblood matters, more than he thought it would. and being a slytherin matters, but not in the way he’d thought. a poor, dirty, halfblood slytherin with a nasty attitude and an uncouth accent stood out like a rotten stink. hogwarts was magical and whimsical, but it was just a place, just like any other, and the students were just students, and the bullies were just bullies. and sev was still sev, wand or no wand. hogwarts did not fix him and make him better. it did not give him friends on a silver platter.

what it gave him, instead, was knowledge. yes, he spent years the target of relentless bullying, made more enemies than friends and few acquaintances who were in between, but the library was his home. He devoured knowledge with a single-minded intensity, filled with such joy at learning new concepts and spells that it made everything else he had to put up with worth the effort. He badgered his teachers relentlessly with increasingly complex questions, and often times concerning lines of inquiry, and experimented with new spells and potions early on — first with lily, then without — filling notebooks with ideas and information and half formed thoughts. At the age of thirteen, he’d begun working on his own grimoire, writing down his own potions recipes and his modifications to existing potions. All the great potions masters have their own grimoires, why shouldn’t he start his own now?

He isn’t sure when his views began to shift. Somewhere along the way, the facade he’d put on for his housemates began to seep through the cracks and into the boy underneath. it became so much easier to hate muggles and then muggleborns, to blame them for everything that went wrong in his life, to use this hatred as an outlet for all his frustrations he already had with his own life.

By the time the dark lord called, severus was well and truly indoctrinated. It didn’t take much to convince himself that this was the right thing to do.

ACT II.

He takes the mark.

Things… escalate.

They ask him to do terrible things, and he does them fastidiously. He does not feel satisfaction or pleasure when killing and torturing, though he hardly lets that stop him from doing exactly as he’s instructed, to the letter, and sometimes beyond. Vying for the attention and approval of the man who held his soul in the palm of his hand, indifferent to it’s fate, careless in his handling unless the little halfblood proved himself useful. And he did. He proved himself clever, gifted, loyal, ruthless. He worked hard to earn his place, knowing the alternative.

It’s not like he doesn’t know he’s in a genocidal cult. At some point, even the most indoctrinated could see what this was. The dark lord wanted servants to do his bidding, not allies to share in the glory and the power. The dark lord was strikingly clever, imposing and powerful, and stark raving mad.

But severus was marked. He couldn’t put himself at risk, couldn’t think of stepping out of line with his master’s mark upon his arm. The only way out was through.

severus was thorough. he followed instructions to completion, with a single minded focus. he did his work with a professional detachment, a nonbeliever in the guise of a devotee.

And then, he came upon a prophecy.

ACT III.

The dark lord’s fall is a gift that severus doesn’t know what to do with. He’d spent so long treading a worn thread like a tightrope over the brink of hell itself, that the thought of letting his guard down for even a moment sends his every sense screaming DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!

He feels like a man who’s been running full pelt, nonstop, like he was running his whole life and suddenly the ground is pulled from beneath him and he’s free-falling into nothingness. Lily is safe. Unhappy, but alive, and for that he is more grateful than he could’ve ever imagined.

But he is alive, too. And for all his plots and schemes, it didn’t occur to him that he’d make it to the other end of this war in one piece. Not since he turned spy.

The question mark hangs over his head all the way through the chaos following the dark lord’s fall. Severus, sitting through trial after trial, feels as though his ears are stuffed full of cotton and his senses are veiled through with fog. Only in the aftermath of his own trial, when dumbledore rests a hand upon his shoulder and grants him a proud smile does severus begin to hope.

Dumbledore saves him. He gives him a home, a job, a purpose. He guides him through the darkest hour of his life.

Even through the fog, Severus can see it: the headmaster’s true intentions. He knows he must be of some use to the headmaster still, that dumbledore is simply working to gain his true loyalty. That all severus had really done on that stormy night was trade one master for another.

But dumbledore, for all his machinations, is still a good man. There are worse masters to grovel to, as he very well knows. And lily is safe, just as promised. It’s only right that severus pay back his due.

ACT IV.

Once he finds his footing, severus gets busy. He integrates himself with the remaining loyal death eaters as seamlessly as possible, works to maintain at least civil relationships with high ranking order members — with a few notable exceptions — and begins to, brick by brick, build his life from the ground up.

The following years are filled with quiet self reflection. Severus grows more critical of himself, of his actions, of his beliefs. He pulls apart his motives and his reasons for joining the dark lord, inspects his role in the war unsympathetically, the impact he’s had on the lives of others. He does not like what he sees. but he does not look away.

He’s created violent and dark spells for the dark lord during his service. Spells with no counter, or a secret one. Spells the death eaters all knew and used. If he had died in the war as he’d come to expect to, these spells would’ve been his only legacy. His only contribution to the wizarding world. unparalleled violence.

This is who he is. This is what he’s done. He cannot undo it, he cannot be forgiven. but he can strive to be… better. And he does.

beyond the waiting and watching and listening, severus shifts the bulk of his focus upon his work. He creates and tests potions with the needs of the wizarding community in mind, puts his brilliance to good use. He follows a strict code of ethics, to the letter, holds himself to task when it is not properly adhered to. He takes responsibility for the things he releases into the world. He builds himself a respectable reputation in his fields of study, his articles and discoveries published in peer-reviewed journals and papers, his work talked about in academic circles with something like respect.

As the whispers spread and the death eaters prepare for their next move, severus shifts to a ready stance. He has more to fight for — more to live for, now — than he had five years ago. He is ready.

plot ideas —

oh, god, i’m SO excited to explore what snape post-war would’ve been like if he didn’t lose lily. what happened in the books is that lily’s death and his role in it sent him down a spiral of self loathing, guilt, and suicide ideation – and he wallowed in his grief and his guilt for the rest of his life. the trajectory of his life after lily’s death shifted to protecting her son and serving dumbledore. he stopped thinking of his own ends and started viewing himself as a means to an end, that end being the physical safety of lily’s boy (disregarding, of course, the mental wellbeing of potter’s spawn) and while there was growth in his own views over the years i can’t help but think it was greatly stunted by his own grief.

what i want to explore with snape is growth. realistic, nonlinear, steady growth over the years after the war, where he becomes more critical of both himself, his motives, his thinking, and the impact of his actions on other people and the world. he grew up a precocious child with no proper adult guidance, and all his life lessons he’s learned through first hand experience. and like any other 17-year-old, he thought he knew everything. He was reckless and arrogant, and he made terrible choices confidently, with no regard to the greater consequences. post-war snape is painfully aware of his own shortcomings, is trying to be better, not for the sake of being a good person but for the sake of proper self discipline and self control. he never wants to lose control of himself and allow his ambitions and his greed to take him to such lengths again. he wants to have a more positive impact on the world around him, even if he himself is still an objectively bad person, even if he himself is still selfish and deceptive and eaten up by greed.

so how can a bad person be good? by doing good things, even if he’s doing it for the wrong reasons. and snape is doing it for the wrong reasons, he’s well aware of that. He doesn’t have the intuitive grasp of right and wrong that lily always had. He can’t simply do what feels right, as that never turned out to be the right thing at all. Instead, he does what he calculates as having the most positive impact on the biggest number of people, regardless of whether or not it feels right to him. He acts in the interests of the greater good.

It’s a very utilitarian approach. Not dissimilar to dumbledore, who took snape in after the war and was more or less his mentor figure the years following. but unlike dumbledore, snape does not disregard or dismiss the individual lives of people he comes across, is very mindful of his own personal impact in the individual lives of the people around him. in canon, snape is horrified at dumbledore’s plan for harry. dumbledore asks him how many men and women he’s watched die, and snape’s response to that is ‘lately, only those whom i could not save.’ this interaction perfectly encapsulates the differences in morality between the two men. snape is capable of making sacrifices for the greater good and strives to work towards ending the war, making moral compromises towards that end. but his faith in the greater good is limited. When it comes down to it, snape is loyal to people, not causes. And often, since he’s made the conscious decision to become a better person, risks his life for the sake of others.

Another thing i want to explore with snape is his interpersonal relationships. Because, god. Come onnnnnnnnn. His two best friends are lily evans and lucius malfoy. For fucks sake. Lily who cut ties with him when they were 16 and whose husband he is partially responsible for sending to an indefinite coma, yikes, and lucius, for whom he feels the most straightforward affection and who he’s actually quite prepared to stab in the back when the time comes. And it will come, soon enough.

He has….. Complicated relationships. And complicated views on intimacy. He has a tendency to separate his feelings from his duty, which sometimes leads to him doing terrible things to people he cares about. Lying, stealing, manipulating, etc etc etc. it does not mean, to him, that he cares about these people any less. Regrettably, he cares too much, and can’t stop caring once he starts. It does not mean the people he cares about are safe with him. And i want to explore that, especially in his relationships with lily and lucius, as well as his fellow death eaters.

Speaking of the death eaters. Snape was already a high ranking death eater before the dark lord fell, and he’d worked very hard the last five years to integrate himself irrevocably within the ranks of the remaining death eaters. He’d observed their dynamics and worked to make himself seem as loyal and irreplaceable as can be. No doubt he formed many a bond with many a member, not all of them built on lies. And he would take special interest in the hesitant, wavering loyalties, poking and prodding to see how he can use them to further his own position within the death eaters ranks. There’s a lot of potential for inner-politics and sabotage within the DE.

extra —

Mockblog @ sevsnpe.tumblr.com

headcanons:

Snape had a thick manchester accent growing up that was very quickly packed away and replaced with ‘respectable speech’ a few weeks into his stay in the snake pit. When he’s angry or emotional he speaks very slowly and deliberately, his voice dropping in octaves and growing very soft and precise. it becomes very difficult for him to keep control of his speech. He slips on occasion when he and lily are alone.

Eileen sold wonderful ailment-soothing ‘tea’ for her neighbours. severus helped her brew these concoctions regularly as a kid, when he was still too short to reach the tabletop without standing on a chair.

Snape looks up to dumbledore and seeks his approval. It infuriates him to no end, that so much of his own decision-making hinges on the older man’s opinion of him, that he cares what albus thinks of him at all. But after the dark lord’s fall, snape was lost and fumbling, trying to make sense of the world, of himself, of his next steps. He desperately wanted to be a better man, but had neither the tools nor the guidance to do so. if albus hadn’t taken him under his wing, he doesn’t know where he’d be now.

he’s a heavy smoker. he picked up smoking post-war and is not in any hurry to quit. he can stop whenever he wants to anyway.

he maintains a private library in his rooms at hogwarts. he’s as possessive of it and as territorial as a dog. he’s accumulated a very impressive collection of rare books and journals over the years, and a long list of contacts in the private book collectors and book sellers circles to go with. a disproportionate number of his books are highly illegal and officially labelled ‘dark’.

the bulk of his focus, after the war, is split between two things. integrating himself further into the remaining circle of death eaters, and his own personal research into the mind arts, potions, and dark magic, which he conducts in his capacity as potions master and professor at hogwarts. he’s made several discoveries in potions study and published multiple articles in academic journals over the last five years, building himself a respectable reputation and body of works within his field. beyond the fact that such academic pursuits are his passion, his work gives him tangible proof that he is capable of positive contributions to the world around him. that he is capable of doing good, even if he himself is a bad person. his work and his growing reputation gives him something to look forward to after the war. it’s something unrelated to the death eaters and to lily, it’s something completely his own. he is very defensive and protective of his research.

Once or twice a month, snape visits muggle london and spends a few hours in a public library. It’s calming, reading books to simply pass the time. He won’t admit this to anyone, but the connection he has to the muggle world is something he’s learned to accept and even take comfort in from time to time.

[tieflng]

press start challenge letter under the cut, because i do things and participate in events (currently STILL A WIP, time got away from me, i’ll have it done by the end of the day 7/13)

hello exchange partner! thanks for writing for me. i’m sure whatever you come up with will be wonderful! my prompts for the exchange are all here, because they are going to be Quite long, and filled with excruciating detail probably.

Mutazione

it’s the tenderness and sincerity of this game that really gets me, i think. the sensory details have a lot of potential too-- garden music, mori’s cooking, heavy tropical rain, the ambiance and mood of the town and its natural rhythms. i don’t need any action or adventure out of this prompt-- though it would certainly be welcome if you can come up with some!-- but the character interaction and interiority is really what i’m here for.

Yoké: exploring the archives? 

Miu: hunting, swimming, her relationship with her body that comes up in the swimming convo with kai, 

Miu & Yoké: two great tastes that taste great together! their relationship and the trauma they share, learning to find hope and solace in each other, their complicated feelings towards nonno, etc.

Yoké & Karoo

Kai & Karoo

Kai & Semenya

Pyre

oops! it’s literally all golathanian. again. i was just so deeply drawn to him reading the book of rites; an ordinary and certainly flawed human man who takes one act of radical mercy, brings every event in the game to pass, and turns himself into a godlike eldritch basketball saint. also, ‘you gave your freedom that i might yet have mine’ is a line i’ve been thinking about for an entire year. also, the g in lgbt is for golathanian. 

i’m really into the idea that the man the commonwealth could lionize as the ideal of strength is admirable not as a conqueror or warlord, but as someone with commitments to others that make him overcome his flaws– someone who does the cooking for the group and makes dry comments and lectures out of worry and has a stupid laugh and acts like a grouch when he is secretly a giant softy. (and someone who is visibly gay and gnc, because the base of my mazlow hierarchy of needs is gay/bi men presented as admirable figures of authority, and i think that’s something that should have been in the game, even if the commonwealth in-universe was going to erase it.) the heart and idealism and earnestness is what makes him worthy of respect, and that he’s human, even if technically he ends up as a demigod sports-omen star.

things i would love-- well, downside ambiance is one of them for sure; equally for imperial sahrian court. anything about (r/R)eading-- scribes are capital r readers is a headcanon you’ll pry from my cold dead hands. scribes are also autistic is the other big one. anything with titans, anything with imps, anything with navigating hostile environments with aplomb or by shaking centipedes out of your boots.

Gol Golathanian: Literally If You Give Me Anything With Gol Golathanian I Will Be Happy. if you give me anything with gol golathanian who is nonbinary i will love you forever. gol golathanian as a plucky young officer on the rise. gol golathanian as master-general navigating a deadly decadent sahrian court. gol golathanian as an exile, learning how to survive in the downside and get along with his strange new companions. not nominated but very appreciated characters are triesta and milithe, but honestly i love all the scribes and would be happy to see anything with them. also lord gandroth-- something with him, and that battle or conflict?

Gol Golathanian/Soliam Murr: LEt This Be Tender Romance Please. my general preference is that they only get together in the downside, post character growth on both ends, but there’s certainly potent homoerotic potential in the knight/liege relationship from before, too. speaking of liege, please don’t have gol call him my liege while they’re in a relationship, that’s weird and i prefer if they’re equals. the pining potential both topside and downside for these two is incredibly unlimited-- soft moments interrupted by court formalities? or soliam’s topside scumminess? or downside hesitations or dangers? dreams or fantasies or Scenarios from either of them? just fucking hit me. also, i know i requested all golathanian, but i wouldn’t at all mind a soliam perspective on this one, either!

Gol Golathanian & Khaylmer Rope-Caller: enemies enemies enemies enemies! but like..........kind of mirror-image enemies. for me what makes this is the idea that they’re two people who deeply loathe and misunderstand each other, who are also much more similar than they would ever want to admit. character study is really what i’m looking for here, especially if it’s khaylmer whom we know nothing about in canon, and sahrian court ambiance. spy versus spy trying to foil each others’ maneuvers? or reluctant moments of understanding?

Gol Golathanian & Ha’ub the Swallow: best! friends! bestfriends! just show them getting up to any kind of rascalism, exploring, titan fighting, rangling soliam who is a perpetual dumbass with a deathwish, etc and i will be super happy. 

Bastion

Zulf

Zia

Zia & Zulf

The Kid

Sekiro

Genichiro

Genichiro & Kuro

Hades

Zagreus/Asterius

Hollow Knight

The Hollow Knight/Pure Vessel

THK/PV & Hornet

THK/PV & Hornet & The Knight

[trevor-brown-artist]

I Lost a Nephew During the Pandemic but He’s Still Alive

When the abused becomes the abuser the circle is complete, and the trauma has won, the cycle will continue.

Wow it was just about two decades ago when I first met my nephew. He wasn’t my nephew yet he was one of the twins of my former brothers very beautiful and intelligent girlfriend and soon to be fiancé. They had invited me up to their single bedroom home in Beacon, I think for thanksgiving. Quick aside this was before I had learned about the cult-like history in his girlfriends past where they didn’t celebrate things like holidays. 

I remember his best friend was named Oscar this maybe Latino dude a bit quirky but he had passed my muster in not being a total deadbeat. I still feel strongly that the people you surround yourself with reflect your own character. And my other former sibling surrounded himself with clear losers.

Kelly’s twins were paternal not identical and it was so curious to me that one was dark-skinned and one was light-skinned this physical duality also mirrored their significantly different personalities even so young they were their own people. I thought naturally I’d have an infinity for Marcus the darker twin because I had experienced the colorism that we don’t like to talk about in Black families and was of course rooting for team dark-skin! 

Justice’s shy temperament and more sensitive nature mirrored my own behavior at his single digit age. Both of the boys were adorable as you tend to be at that age and I enjoyed rough housing with them in my siblings very sparse living room.

As I think of this time, it reminds me there was a time before my anxiety about eating in public and I’m realizing that some of my anxieties may have been caused by the traumas and injustices I faced by the hands of the ones who I thought should be taking care of my interest. Silly me.

We shared a meal and I ate but didn’t stuff myself always being conscious about watching my weight. And afterwards we played my Justice League Monopoly a great after dinner game for friends and family. They day I met my nephew was a happy day and a very fond memory before everything went to shit.

Now this is the moment I should probably recount those shitty things but you know I don’t feel like rehashing the past and the poor decisions others made that effected me so negatively. So let’s skip ahead twelve years. Marcus has become a young minister at the Kingdom Hall and besides being an amazing student is a beacon of heteromantic role models, playing sports and ministering with vigor as he goes out on missions, handing out tracts and surpassing quotas.

Justice has become more and more aloof had stopped going to the Hall and his once pristine grades had begun to dip and I had begun to think in our brief contact that he may be queer so it wasn’t a surprise when his uncle called me and told me that his parents had put him out the house right on his eighteenth birthday. Damn!

The marriage was started amidst homo-anatagonistic roots and had produced a queer son who was an anathema to the doctrines and dogma of the families faith. The same faith that made me a pariah at the nuptials had claimed another victim. And even though my other former brother set up a call with me and my allegedly queer nephew there was no foundation for the boy to trust me or even know me. As I had predicted so many long years ago the start of their marriage dictated by his grandmother had ended up in me being frozen out of my siblings life and when the coupling produced a child, I had met him less than a handful of times. 

Here I wanted to assist my nephew but his parents had succeeded in him not getting to know me, and my assistance fell on very deaf ears and a young man who was very isolated felt even more isolated and I was horrified because there wasn’t anything more I could do. I can’t make a bond where there isn’t one, no matter how much I wanted that.

Someone had offered me a place to stay an offer that I later took them up on, so I wanted to pay it forward and I offered my nephew the same. When we spoke about this years later he said he had no recollection of this offer and I told him I wasn’t surprised he had just been rejected by his entire family and even though I was offering a lifeline he didn’t really know me from Adam and his trust in family had been so obliterated, that my earnest offer was like no offer at all because it held no value in his head. Because the seed was set that “family” equals pain. And who in their right mind would deliberately walk towards pain?

I had lost before I began but the urge for me to be a better uncle than my aunts and uncles always made me want to strive to attempt to be there for nieces and nephews even though I had continually been ousted, because I can only see children at the pleasure of their parents. 

Uncles and Aunts hold no legal sway with our court system unless they have legal custody of one of their siblings children. I learned this the hard way when I lost visitation rights with my youngest former siblings children and took the grandmother to court with the kids great grandmother to attempt to get the rights to see the kids. I wouldn’t see those kids again for ten years and then only briefly.

I did try to keep in touch with Justice the uncle he didn’t know very well, and I know he secretly resented for being just like him. But one more card marked “Return to Sender”, had all but wiped out my will to continually chase after kids that clearly didn’t want this uncle in their lives, albeit that decision was being made for them. 

His number was disconnected and his social media presence was seemingly non-existent. I probably didn’t do a durable search being so disheartened about trying to connect with a family that didn’t seem to want me and I apologize for my human frailty in this moment. But it’s not because I didn’t want to find him, I had lost the hope that I ever would.

I think his cousin had mentioned his brother and I had a photo of my light-skinned twinned nephew at what looked like some university, in a cap and gown and I wept that it seemed like he had made it through even though he was discarded like yesterday’s trash. I contacted his twin and asked about contact information and was told he could only be found on SnapChat I set up an account just to get in touch with him called UncleTrevor674. 

I wanted to reconnect with him let him know I had been looking for him without success. And albeit his current internet presence was more robust I was missing the keywords Beacon and Florida. I didn’t know he had went down south for a few years and curiously enough had returned to Beacon. I saw now that adding these words did indeed make him easier to find but my own pain and hurt didn’t allow me the clarity to think of these things. I was excited to reconnect with him and attempt to have the relationship with him that I had been denied for so long.

But this was seemingly doomed because by my very nature of being his uncle I was the enemy, albeit when checking the receipts I had never done anything untoward to him. I was grouped in with all the people who had done wrong by him and even though I had tried repeatedly to be present and show an interest in his life, his friends, his interest, the damage had already been done. And my open hand was met with hostility and displaced anger, a pattern I knew all too well from my interactions with my former siblings who seemed to blame me for the fact that we were separated as children here again I was the target of the wrath of a young man whom I only wanted to connect with and support as best I could, and try to be the uncle to him that I never had.

His past traumas were much louder than the love and support that I offered and to protect myself I had to do the most painful thing I had to ever do with a niece or nephew I had to withdraw from the relationship and hope that time would heal the wounds that I didn’t cause, and that maybe someday I would get back the nephew I had actually lost decades ago but just never knew it.

[ellawritesficssometimes]

What this post aims to do is chart out Italy and Romano’s rather…rocky relationship. It’s not something that has warranted a lot of discussion in the community, so I thought it would be an interesting topic to touch on.

Early Childhood + Ingrained Inferiority:

It’s well-known that Rome devoted more time raising Veneziano than he did with Romano. As such, Romano has a long and well-developed hostility towards Veneziano, all of which stems from his own feelings of inferiority and insecurities.

Sources: Hetarchive, Chibitalia & Volume 6.

What really cemented this inferiority complex is that after Romano is conquered by Spain, Spain constantly compares Romano to Veneziano and even asks Austria to trade brothers with him. Romano feels even poorly about himself as a result.

Sources: Boss Spain’s Control of Southern Italy pt. 1 & 2

Thankfully, Spain does learn to value Romano for his own unique qualities rather than using Veneziano as a measuring rod. This occurs at the end of the Boss Spain Doesn’t Understand strip.

Another notable characteristic of their relationship is that they’ve always remained separated from one another. First with Rome and again when they were conquered in the post-Rome era. One point I want to emphasize is that even though Romano had (and still has) a lot of hostility and unresolved feelings towards Veneziano and will be unequivocally rude and mean to the latter, the two do care about each other.

Ex: They share a heartfelt moment when Spain and Austria reunite them during a brief visit.

Source: Hetarchive, Comic Diary 6.

Forced Unification: Hastily Repaired Bridge

As mentioned, while the two do care for each other, a combination of jealous hostility on Romano’s part and a lack of deep rapport due to long periods of separation prevented them from truly reconciling during Italian unification.

Rather than a heartfelt scene, they’re suddenly forced into living with each other. They’re brothers, but what’s awkward is that they’re very much strangers to one another. 

Source: Hetascanlations, World Stars Chapter 20.

Not only that, but Romano refuses to co-operate with and rely on Veneziano during the Second Industrial Revolution, choosing instead to go overseas to seek employment in America. Notice again how this emotional rift in their relationship is simultaneously played out with another physical separation.

Source: Hetascanlations, World Stars Chapter 58. 

Not only that, but we learn that because of this rigid unification in tandem to Romano having lived and developed a strong bond with Spain, he’s closer with Spain than he is with Veneziano.

Source: Hetascanlations, World Stars Chapter 73. 

We don’t get much insight as to what happens to them during WW1, but WW2 is another story.

In a character note, it’s revealed that Romano detests Germany because he stands as an obstacle to his relationship with Veneziano. 

Source: Volume 2. 

What’s interesting is that Romano will tell Italy to his face that he doesn’t want much to do with him and that he doesn’t like him and yet will covertly look after Veneziano’s well-being without his knowing. And I think that speaks to their relationship in whole. Romano hasn’t confronted nor addressed his hostility for Veneziano but secretly cares for him and desires a stronger relationship.

Source: Hetarchive, Hetare 4: Pact of Steel + Volume 1. 

Ex: A potential instance of his jealousy towards Germany occurs when he throws away the pendant that Veneziano had received from the latter.

Source: ibid.

Of course, I shouldn’t neglect to mention that Veneziano isn’t exactly buddy-buddy with Romano either and even refuses at one point to say something nice about Romano. Although to be fair, it’s understandable considering how much Romano berates him.

Source: Volume 1. 

What makes things complicated is that Romano is still also very much self-interested and will look after himself above all else. The scene where he flees and abandons Italy on the battlefield only for them both to be captured by England particularly comes to mind.

Source: Hetarchive, the Story of Italy’s Big Brother.

Yet, when America occupies Rome and requests that the two make him a meal, it’s Romano who steps up for the both of them. Veneziano panics, but Romano remains level-headed, albeit being verbally hostile.

Source: Hetascanlations, World Stars Chapter 121.

Modern-day relations:

Now, I’ve seen a lot of people state that Romano and Veneziano’s relationship has improved recently, but if I’m to give my honest opinion, I don’t see it. Nothing significant about their dynamic has dramatically changed. Romano’s still hostile with Veneziano, refuses to co-operate with him, and insults him. At the same time, it appears that he doesn’t want Veneziano to leave him either.

Sources: Hetascanlations, World Stars Chapters 54 & 353 + Hetarchive (Bamboo Thicket, eng trans., Jan 16th, 2015). 

Other instances of this still present fragmentation are revealed in panels depicting their differences.

Source: Hetascanlations, World Stars Chapter 20. 

Although, there are two panels that offer a lot more hope than previous.

Source: Hetascanlations, World Stars Chapter 19-20.

That said, this doesn’t mean to say that their relationship can’t improve and that it won’t ever in the series. All I mean to show is that the two aren’t super close despite the fact that they’re brothers. There’s a historical rift in their relationship that has yet to be rectified.