#thebadsocialworker

[thebadsocialworker]

Don't dive into shallow water

It’s a great day to be mentally ill. It’s 45 degrees in the sun, 8 AM crackhead time, and it’s time for the morning traffic report. Thanks for listening, I’m your host the Bad Social Worker.

“What the caterpillar calls the end, the world calls a butterfly” -Chuang Tzu

This post today is for anyone that’s on the edge- getting sober, calling your local crisis center for the first time, starting medications for the first time, getting a significant diagnosis of a mental illness…anyone that’s sitting on the cliff of the final days of familiarity staring into the abyss of uncertainty below.

It’s the end, isn’t it friend? The end of you as you know it. You know it too. That’s why you’re here, weighing your options. Whatever you have going on, has gotten so unbearable, so close to you, that you’re considering taking a leap into the abyss below, hoping it’s deep enough that when your body meets the water, the depths absorb you and your entirety.

That’s the beautiful thing about transition. You meet transition in the worst shape you’ve ever been in, but that’s exactly how transition expects you. “Come as you are”, there’s no dress code here. Bring every ounce of trouble you have to your name.

Transition welcomes it all. Transition fears nothing. Scream, cry, wail- Transition will hold you safely. Transition will show up for you every morning with the rise of the sun and she will be there for you until you’ve finished crying yourself to sleep at night. And she will cradle you while you dream.

In my field, I meet a lot of people experiencing their “firsts”. Their first time being hospitalized, their first time experiencing a psychotic break, the first time they’ve ever been diagnosed, the first time in their lives they’ve had to take medication, their first brushes with death…

People tell me they’re scared. They’re scared to take medication because they’re afraid it will “change who they are”. They’re afraid or unable to accept they’re developing schizophrenia which will require a lifetime of maintenance to control. People are afraid to go inpatient. Afraid to become sober. People think they’d rather die instead.

What I ask of these people, if you’re at the worst point in your life to the extent that you no longer want to produce thoughts, how could it get worse? You have nothing to lose because you’ve already lost yourself in whatever is haunting you. I know you’ve lost yourself, because you don’t even want to be “you” anymore. 

When people leap into the abyss of an uncertain future as opposed to a certain death, it feels like they’re falling. To the world watching, it’s the greatest and most graceful dive of all time. You’re an olympian of your own life. What you feel is the end, is a new beginning. Cocoon yourself during this time. Be absolutely gentle and preserve your peace. You’re going to be the only one that understands what you’re going through, and the only one to protect it. 

So take that first. End your current chapter.  Quit drinking and smoking. Block your racist grandma and take your anti-depressants on time. 

-thebadsocialworker

[thebadsocialworker]

7. Yes

Today I had a meeting with someone in prison. They're on the other side of the country in some shitty city so it was via "the internet". Our meeting today was mostly about paperwork. He was completing a questionnaire for my records.

"AJ, the next question is, have you ever felt like your family members or the adults around you didn't love you or thought you were special."

He stared at the corner of the screen, it was silent for about 6 seconds.

"...Yes."

We continued, but this sat with me all day. This man's life has been marred with adversity in almost every way you could think of. He's about 45. There was something about seeing a grown man that's been shot, shot other people, and has seen other people get shot, confirm that he did not feel loved or special when he was a child. He was sitting in a typical prison room with stale cement brick in an ugly beige color and thick windows of glass behind him. I wonder about all the times he felt like that as a child and how many times he's thought of it since then.

This came up again when I visited someone else. We talked about their housing options and they said "[]...yeah so they accept criminals and shit so that's good for me." I asked them, "Is that what you think you are ? A criminal ?" They explained that they didn't, but that they have to think about it all of the time in relation to where they go during the day. They then grabbed something to show me. It was a folder of certificates and a card their last facility gave them when they moved. Inside of the card were many people remarking on how funny they are. They said they keep this under their mattress and they pull it out sometimes to look at. Inside I thought, you probably think of yourself as a bad person so you look at this to feel differently.

While I was driving in the snow I thought about how people complain sometimes about prison sentences being too light. Sometimes they're insultingly light. Other times, it's a substantial amount of time. Beyond their release, they suffer. Before any of this happened, they suffered. Many people regret victimizing someone and they pay for it everyday. They don't regret it because they're paying for it, but rather it's a stain on their self-perception. People change. People learn. People mature. People get sober and medicated. They're proud of the progress they've made but it's always followed with a "I know I did _____ but..." They never feel like they deserve to fully acknowledge they're a different person. They feel haunted by the negative voices in their heads that remind them, they beat their wife once, they used to be a skinhead, they robbed someone to buy drugs, etc.

I've done some shit, but never anything I couldn't have fixed. I can't imagine what it's like-- one day you've never been to prison, and then one day it has been 20 years later, you're homeless, in and out of jail for not paying child support, and every person you meet will generally find out you did something totally fucked up-- that you wouldn't do now, but you never feel like anyone believes you. That perpetual feeling as if you have to prove to your stupid fucking community that you deserve to be in it. They're forever shackled.

If you've ever done some shit you wouldn't do now, that's fuckin awesome. You're allowed to change and to admit you would do better now. This obviously applies to me too. My people never know I say things to them that I know I should say to myself, but I don't. It's kind of joke with myself and whatever powers that may be (hail Satan). Don't let a lack of self-forgiveness wear you out. We're all little devils sometimes.

-thebadsocialworker

[thebadsocialworker]

Population: 256

Have you ever been drunk ? Have you ever felt the burn of vodka in your throat and the subsequent numbing to the bitter cold of the world around you? Have you ever stumbled through your back door to watch the tile swivel beneath you ? 

Have you ever woken up next to a coral colored toilet in a motel room? The maid pounding on the door, everyone has left and you’re stranded in a vacation town in the off season?

Did you drink and fall in love with life again only to vomit it back up until the acid of reality stained your shirt?

“If you over esteem great men, people become powerless. If you overvalue possessions, people begin to steal” -The Tao, chapter 3.

Come in, we paid for another night and our ride will be here in the morning.

Over-esteeming “great men” until people become powerless. We’ve talked about this before, but I’ll summarize the concept here: When we put people on a pedestal it’s not only distorting reality regarding that person and their importance but it’s painful when they don’t fulfill the role we believed they would. They never do, because the person you’re imagining in your head is under your control and operates within your schemata. The reality is that this other person has free will, you cannot control them, and their life experiences are completely different than yours, resulting in someone who will behave in likely opposite ways that make sense to you.

In addition to this, when we believe people are greater than us, we remove our agency in the relationship. We may hope this person “chooses” us. If you have that hope, you’re already pre-disposed to this being very traumatic for you when you are “not chosen”. In reflection, this type of thinking is submissive and has the greater potential to be abused. You’re so desperate to be “chosen” out of belief you are not worthy, you will accept behaviors that are hurtful to you more often than not. The ultimate fear is that you will be abandoned. The only way to solve this cycle is to orient oneself to the reality of human beings:

They more often than not will not do what you want them to do.

Pivoting from this point, is when you believe only a select few are “great”, you blind yourself to the great people around you.

“If you over-value possessions, people begin to steal”.

This holds the same sentiment as the the half of this quote, yet it refers to inanimate objects. Think of it like this: 

A cellphone in the year 1850 is useless. If someone left it in the dirt, it would stay there until it was fossilized. 

A cellphone in the year 2024, left in a bathroom at a bar, is most likely to be stolen. 

A kitchen full of spices in 2024 remains untouched in a burglary, yet there was a time where obtaining cooking spices was so important, entire countries were invaded and populations enslaved. 

When objects lack relativity, they lack importance. Society has worked for centuries to provide us with our various technologies, none of which would be useful in a different context. Think about that, centuries of science and development to create the internet whose importance varies on where it is in time and space.

When we over-value possessions, it distorts our reality. We become unsatisfied without it. We may even develop complex ideas about ourselves when we do not “own” a common object. As a society, we have taken this concept so far, that material possessions borders on moral good. 

To have, is to be good, to be without, is to be bad. And if you’re bad, you do not deserve the same things I have, as a good person. Shelter, food, and water are no longer universal rights, you must deserve them in the eyes of society. We don’t look at our systems as faulty, we look at each other with blame. 

People are desperate for food, water, and shelter, yeah. But people are really desperate to feel good. To be deserving. To be on the pedestal. To be important. When we are desperate, we behave like feral animals, tapping into our most primitive forms of feeling.

There are lessons within the paragraphs here, but there is one more that encompasses them all:

 Ultimately, when we do not view reality in balance, our realities become distorted, and we behave in ways that are not congruent with who we truly are (or want to be). We readily give away our power over reality only to be whipped around in the tornado of distortion and identity. 

Classically, the Dao suggests “practice not-doing, and all will fall into place”. In this case, inaction would be acknowledging the distortions, not trying to fight them, but to reflect upon their presence as a skylight into what sleeps below.

To tie it up all nicely, over-valuing facets of life alters your reality in the same way wormwood will alter where you wake up in the morning. Stop drinking (metaphorically, but for some of you, literally!)

When you hop into your uber tomorrow morning, give a little wink at the cleaning lady, for she is God, and so are you, friend.

[thebadsocialworker]

Do You Ever Listen to Yourself?

Here's a break from the Dao. I want to explain something:

"You can't love anyone until you love yourself" - Everyone around you that doesn't have a mental illness

People spit this one out all the time and do not actually understand the harm this statement causes people who chronically struggle with, what is essentially, liking yourself.

You remember when you were very young, and the thought of disliking or liking yourself didn't even occur to you. This is still true for people who tell vomit this statement up in your deepest time of need. They don't even have the conflict in the first place, let alone understand it, nor understand what this statement actually means.

What this statement actually translates to is this:

If you struggle with loving yourself it will be harder to love others freely. Assuming you struggle with liking yourself, you have a higher potential to struggle with issues within your relationships that may not be as prominent in relationships between two non-traumatized individuals.

However, even THEY are not immune to relationship issues. Their issues are just largely, a lot less colorful and interesting. It's boring things like "I don't know why he won't tell me what's bothering him, he just goes to play video games after work."

Your problems may look like struggling not to look at their friend's list to gauge who is better looking than you, who this person TRULY wants (which is never you right, even when they say it). You fight a compulsion born out of trauma to stalk their social media pages. You know enough that doing so will likely exacerbate your stress, and could possibly initiate a fight, or just carrying the general fear that you will do something to harm the relationship. You end up looking and feel some relief from caving in, but now you feel worse. You find out his ex-girlfriend from 8th grade is still friends with him on facebook. She's married with children, but you KNOW he wishes he could be with her, and at any moment, he will leave you for her.

And here it goes. And then in your mind, as bright as Broadway in the middle of January, "YOU WILL NEVER LOVE ANYONE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T LOVE YOURSELF, AND DON'T KNOW HOW OR WHAT THIS EVEN MEANS. BUT YOU'RE FUCKED."

It doesn't need to get that extreme. You can certainly value and love others when you struggle with liking yourself. You're also lovable. People do love you. Love is like water, it takes any form it needs to, to exist.

So go forth, love like crazy (literally).

-thebadsocialworker

[thebadsocialworker]

Demons chased me so I hid among the devils of others, knowing they'd never find me amongst them.

-thebadsocialworker

[thebadsocialworker]

Bad 2 the Bone

I haven’t posted in awhile because the weather knocked out my internet. There were metres of snow coving the road, finally today it slicked into ice, and I was able to restore my internet.

Back to our scheduled programming.

“When people see some things as beautiful, other things become ugly. When people see some things as good, other things become bad.” -Tao Te Ching, Chapter 2.

You’re int he passenger seat being driven by someone else. You stare out the window, but then you see, “the house”. You’re listening, but not to the person talking to you, you’re listening to drone of memories pouring into your conscience.

“The house”. You know what I’m talking about. That place. That place you can still smell. You remember the vomit in the sink and the cigarette burns on the wood floor in the corner of the living room. You think about all the people that have cried on that floor since it was installed in 1973. A tattered house that once held joyous families in its prime, but today, only holds secrets in the walls.

12 years ago, this house meant freedom. You danced barefoot in the bathroom with a bottle of rum at 19. You slept on the floor with the mice because it was too hot out. The holes in the walls let in spiders. Pot pies in the freezer, nothing in the refrigerator except a bottle of mustard. Polish Vodka sits on top of the TV and you don’t notice the change in your dad’s face when he picks you up. You’re too busy smoking a cigarette with your eyes closed.

You didn’t care what you didn’t have because you were so hungry to feed your demons and greet the world with your bloodshot eyes. Your friend’s already losing teeth, and no one has a job. There’s coke on the table from a bag someone’s cousin from out of town left after he got too drunk and had to go to the ER.

You eventually moved out. You got a job that led to another, and now here you are. Older, sober, in therapy, and taking acid reflux medications from the cigarettes burning a whole in your esophagus. 

Your friend’s cousin ended up dying a year later from alcohol poisoning. Your roommate moved back home to Philadelphia and doesn’t have a phone anymore. Your Dad’s hair is grey now, and your brother doesn’t talk to you anymore. That girl you danced with in the bathroom has 2 kids now and takes Suboxone. She can’t taste anything anymore.

The gold has worn into nickel.

You feel such shame every time you see the house. You feel disgusted and dirty. You feel even worse remembering your friends. People today trust you, they value you. You hide yourself out of habit. You’re a bad person, and they just don’t know it, they can’t know it.

You harbor this fear all day until you step into your house and feel a sense of relief. You can now be bad at home, alone, where you know you won’t be able to hurt anyone with your existence. Your dog loves you, but they shouldn’t. You’re too bad. You tell yourself “He only loves me because I feed him”. You sleep on the couch sometimes, not even good enough to sleep in your bed. You just don’t care.

Your younger self accepted things out of defeat. That house that meant so much to you during a time of explosive expression, disgusts you now. Your friends, the ones that are still alive, make you uncomfortable when you see them at the gas station. You don’t even know who they’re talking about when they ask you if you remember that “one night”. 

You’re conflicted. The people around you now, would never have talked to you 10 years ago. You’re not good enough for them, but they can’t know. They can’t know you went to therapy and got sober. They can’t know that you put in the emotional labor to consistently go to work everyday. They don’t know how much your palms sweat when you smell burning plastic. If they did, they would know, you’re a “bad person”. An imposter. 

You plead with yourself, “I’m different now. I’m good.” 

So what is “good” ? And what is “bad?” And why do we struggle with this after significantly changing our lives for the better ?

In a philosophical sense, these are merely subjective constructs that are reinforced by culture and more specifically, religion. Biologically, “good” and “bad” can be defined as either pro-social or anti-social behavior. Pro-social behavior being acts that perpetuate the existence of the human race. I.e., helping come up with a solution for a disease, donating food, helping an older person cross the street. 

Anti-social behaviors being acts that would contribute to the cessation of the human race. I.e., murder, violence, capitalizing on basic needs, eliminating social support programs, war, etc. It stems from the theory that human beings have been able to survive thus far due to our sense of empathy. We are not large predators. Babies have been proven to die if they’re not taken care of, or even touched. Humans are the only species that has to teach their young how to be human. 

So in theory, in the simplest form. If we were not empathetic, we would not have helped or saved others from danger. We would not care about our young nor spend the time caring for them. They certainly would be vulnerable to apex predators in pre-historic time. If there are no babies, there’s no future. So, therefore, it is empathy that has largely supported our existence up until this time. You can learn more about this if you look into Noam Chomsky and his theories. I digress.

The problem is, exactly that “good” and “bad” are subjective adjectives that are applied to facets of life inappropriately, due to culture and religion. You are at the mercy of the external influences around you. Along the road, somewhere, you were taught for whatever reason, that you’re “bad”. “Bad” gets applied often to things better described as “different” because it “deviates” from the norm. Even the word “deviate” suggests not conforming to the “established norm” is immoral. 

Even further, we have used good and bad to design the pillars of society. In theory, the “norm” represents stability, while “different” represents “instability”. Theoretically, it is the “norm” that will attract the least amount of abnormal experiences, thus being referred to as “the norm”. Instability presents uncertainty which in turn causes anxiety.

So, are you different ? Was your life different ? Are you “bad” because you deviated from the norm, whether that was a choice or yours or not ? You know you’re not a bad person, but “bad” feels like the only way to describe what you do feel. What you feel, is anxiety about being different, and people finding out that you “deviated from the norm resulting in unstable situations that have contributed to your current personality. 

In some cultures, the concepts of “good” and “bad” don’t even exist. There are only choices and mistakes with the above mentioned adjectives only existing to cause grief or harm. These beliefs do not assume that human beings are inherently “sinners”, rather a part of nature. 

Here is an example: A cow runs away from an enclosed farm. It is “bad”. It is only “bad” because of the existence of the farm. If the farm did not exist, the cow would simply be traveling from place to place. It is neither bad nor good, it just is and does as it does. If the cow moves to a field that doesn’t have as much grass, it is not “bad”, it is simply a mistake, and the cow moves on to find another field. 

The opposite can be said as well. Say a cow breaks into another farm and is eating the grass in the pen. Even though it is enclosed on a farm, this is “bad” because the “cow does not belong” on this farm. Even though in the prior situation, having the cow in an enclosed area is considered “good”, in this case, it is considered “bad” effectively illustrating the subjectiveness of these concepts.

So where do you fit ? How do you fix this and start feeling like a “good” person ? My answer pays respects to the very concept of Dao. You do not occupy either concepts. You are a neutral entity that makes choices that either lead to a resolution or simply, more choices. We do make mistakes, sometimes we repeat them, and eventually, we do not. 

When you’re consumed with feeling “good” or “bad” you limit your choices and ultimately stagnate your learning. These concepts are ultimate in that they are black or white, You are either a “good” person or a “bad” person, essentially making them impossible attainments given nothing in life is black or white, further exampled by the cow. The feeling of failure sets in, every time.

Let go of your past actions as being either good or bad, and allowing them to determine what you deserve now, in the present. These concepts are inherently meaningless in regards to your journey on earth. You were never bad and you’ll never be good. You simply exist as you are now.

Congruent with Dao, you don’t have to do anything. There is no act that you will ever complete that will make you feel entirely “good” as the concept suggests. The secret is to let go, and to exist naturally. Making decisions based on what you know to be true today, and not placing judgment on what you used to accept, and why it may not be acceptable now, and if it makes you “good” or “bad” that it is not a choice you would or would not make today.

Instead of thinking “Wow that was really bad, I’m a bad person, I used to live in motel rooms snorting ketamine and doing sex work, I don’t deserve this” The thought is more “that choice would not serve me today nor the goals I want to meet”. In this thought formula, you free yourself from the cage you’ve been trying to escape from. There is no longer good or bad, there is simply, choice that brings you closer to a resolution, or to other choices.

So this time, when you drive past “the house”, it’s no longer good or bad, simply a space you occupied one time, that you no longer do and will never again. 

Bringing this back to earth, clinically, if you think you’re a bad person it’s usually indicative of trauma where being either “good” or “bad” pertained to how safe you were going to be in that given context. Therapy can help with this, because if you are reminded enough of the new way you want to think, you will eventually think that way without prompting. It takes time, but that’s all we have here. What are you doing otherwise?

-thebadsocialworker

[thebadsocialworker]

Sunburns and Mini-Golf

It’s 1997 and your family is at Blizzard Beach for the day in Disneyworld. You’re 6 in the wave pool. You stand in the back watching the waves roll through the crowds of sun-burnt tourists. You walk further in, accepting the challenge, confident in your ability to resist. The wave comes and it consumes you. You’re pushed backwards, skinning your back on the gritted pool floor. Water fills your nose. When it’s over, you stand up and watch the water retreat, choking. You think, “next year, I’ll be bigger”, and hobble towards your suntanning mom, in defeat, but only-

For now.

“Bend, and you will remain whole.” -Lao Tzu

This one is for the parents with “defiant” children. Let’s get into it.

This quote is of course part of a larger passage in the Tao Te Ching. Remember, a few posts ago we talked about inaction as action within Dao. Choosing to do nothing as a form of action.

When your child is defiant, and you’re going through therapists and prescribers like halloween candy, it’s exhausting. It feels hopeless. You as the parent, feel tremendous guilt and shame, worrying what people think of you when you have such a “troubled” child. Maybe your child did experience a form of trauma, maybe they didn’t. Either way, you have been tasked with raising a tiger. Congratulations.

The first question to ask here, is your child “defiant”? Or are you, too rigid? Do you resist the natural occurrences in childhood? Do you harbor expectations for your child that were once thrust upon you? You say “I turned out fine”. Did you really ?

When you were a kid, were you punished for getting muddy? Being too loud? Crying? Were you not allowed to watch TV, not allowed to have sleepovers, not allowed to have the friends you choose…did you operate in fear of what your parent/s might do to you? Were you baptized and cast into the fire of responsibility? Starved of freedom?

Truly “defiant” children do things volitionally as reaction to an emotional state of their caregiver. They hit their siblings, break property, scream and make threats. When this concept is fully appreciated, this type of child is not “defiant” but mentally ill. “Defiant” would ultimately not be an appropriate term for these children. Although the behavior is volitional, it points more towards a lack of impulse control that’s manifesting in extreme behavior. This is likely a symptom of another mental illness, trauma, or some medical issues.

Having said that, “defiant” is even less appropriate for children that are not afflicted with severe emotional disturbances. If your child doesn’t do the above behaviors, what you truly have is an independent and curious child. Your human is too new to the planet to appreciate the fears you have.

And that’s what it is isn’t it? Fear. All of this stems out of fear. You’re not “rigid” you’re fearful. You have been on the planet long enough to appreciate the dangers of the universe. One of the best things about children is their lack of appreciation for danger. For them, the world is an exciting place, full of possibilities and ideas. This is the most beautiful period of life. 

When reacting out of fear towards your independent child, they cannot appreciate your reaction. To them, it is unwarranted. Especially if nothing nefarious had occurred. Enough of these reactions teaches your child that you are not a reliable source of information because you exhibit an extreme reaction in every situation your child does something that displeases you. Since they have a lack of experience in life, they cannot predict what might upset you. You’re just “mad” all the time. They eventually stop listening to you altogether, and thus you now feel you have a “defiant” child. They continue to do things without your knowledge because they don’t care for a reaction they cannot appreciate.

“So what do I do? Just let my kid do whatever they want?” No, this is not what’s be suggested. What’s being suggested is to shift your perspective so you don’t indirectly make your child feel like a problem for wanting to play outside, making a mess with craft supplies, or getting online to talk with friends. Shift your focus from “my child is doing this TO ME” to “My child doesn’t understand the fears that I have developed over the course of 30+ years”.

I brought up inaction earlier as a form of action as congruent with Dao. How many situations arise with your child that you could actually choose to do nothing about? If your child makes a mess with craft supplies, does this warrant a punishment or could inaction be a better choice? Inaction in this sense of withholding anger and frustration. Whether you decide to clean it up yourself, with your child, your child cleaning it up by themselves, or leaving it, is entirely up to you. The point is to support the creativity and independence while cultivating a fuller explanation to your child then “I told you not to make a mess”. For a child, they don’t care because it can be cleaned up. It’s that simple. Why express the energy being angry when your child won’t even grasp why you are angry ? It’s unproductive.

So how this relates to the quote, “Bend and you will be whole”- Flex with the ebb and flow of childhood. When your child wants to do something reasonable but your fears are preventing them from doing so, this is a situation to flex to a compromise as opposed to setting arbitrary and rigid expectations, “I said no. Because I said no.” Why are you saying no? You have to include this or your “no” gets lost on your little explorer. 

When you accept that you have a curious and independent child, and the complications that come with producing such a bright child, you both will win. The point is not for your children to listen to you. The point is to raise human beings that will be prepared to enter the adult world without you. If you are too fearful, your child will reach adulthood and have no idea what’s going on. At that point, the consequences of ignorance are much more serious. 

It’s now 2002. You remember what happened the last time your son was at Blizzard Beach. He still has scars on his back. He is determined this time, to “beat the wave pool”. You’re in complete fear, “Don’t get hurt”. You follow him to the wave pool where he takes his stance, fists balled, pectorals flexed, every rib, exposed. He screams, the wave is coming. You run into the pool ready to intercept him. The wave hits and he disappears. The chlorine fills your eyes and when you’re done rubbing them, your son pops up from underneath the water. “I did it mom !” He beat the wave pool. “I learned to go with the wave mom ! If you go with the wave, you win !” Incredibly proud he asks,

“Mom…can we swim with the sharks next?”

-thebadsocialworker

[thebadsocialworker]

Do you remember when earbuds had wires?

“If what one has to say is not better than silence, then one should keep silent.” - Confucius

This post isn’t going to be about us, but the people around us that contribute to our mental illness. Those fucking bastards. The fire that eternally burns in Azerbaijan has nothing on my tongue.

We’ve all heard this in some form of another “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all”. That works for like the first 7 years of life before we realize no one actually follows this rule and people say a ton of fucked up shit to us all the time. 

Ahhh yes, being bullied. A favorite past time of everyone that finds this post. You’ve likely tried not responding, ignoring other kids, and perhaps this made you a greater target, and this would be why:

A bully seeks a reaction of any kind, serving none amps up the behavior, it becomes more stimulating to poke and prod until a normal child explodes out of frustration. The bully, either way, doesn’t experience any significant consequences that exterminate the behavior. From what I’ve seen, people like this grow into emotionally and intellectually immature adults. Their behavior continues in some facet. I never get close enough to find out how though. 

So here we are, young, experiencing injustice and it doesn’t really stop unless someone vacates the picture. We internalize the things people say. We may forget the words, but the body remembers. The behavior we used then, continues. We stay at home, we don’t believe we are lovable, we worry our friends hate us. 

Sticks and stones can break bones but words are eaten frantically and instead of shitting them out, they come out in the words we say to others, in our thoughts, in our hands. In our touch. The dye is cast and is consumes us like smoke until we are opaque with hopelessness.

You read this quote and it feels repugnant. How could Confucius say this ? It’s because you are still mentally in defense. Try reading the quote and not internalizing it. Externalize it. Envision the people that buried you. This lesson, is for them.

How do you know that silence is the better option? Where is the proof? The proof is yourself, my friend. Would you be here reading this if you weren’t? How many times have you sat around wondering, “why am I like this?”

It’s because your body remembers when it wasn’t granted silence, but instead, violence. Violence, when there was a better and effortless option. 

So go on and feel like a survivor, you have been exposed to invisible weapons and here you are today, choosing silence over harm every time, in spite.

-thebadsocialworker

[thebadsocialworker]

Every Breath You Take, Every Move You Make

I'll be watching you (because it's below 3 out).

Another cold, listless day. The eeriness of it all, makes you feel unwell. This post is for those of us that titrate between future worries and past regrets; those of us who don’t remember yesterday, or the day before that, because we weren’t really there to begin with. This one, is for you.

“The breathing of a wise person comes from their heels, while most people breathe only from their throats.” -Zhuang Zhou

Again, for this quote I had to read a full verse in addition to interpretations from the *internet* to process what this quote means. I should explain that I’m learning Dao as I talk about it with you. I don’t really know if my interpretations are accurate or horribly wrong. A true Daoist, should they ever come across my postings, are welcome to educate me.

This quote largely relates to the process of deep breathing and the beliefs in Dao surrounding the importance of mindfully breathing. You can read more about this by searching “immortal breathing” and reading about the “three treasures” which seems to be considered Dao or Chinese alchemy, I’m unsure.

With this being said, lets get into today’s shitpost.

Why do we always recommend breathing ? How come every time you’re anxious, having a panic attack, that we ask you “Have you tried breathing exercises?” And the frustration that comes with that question.

NO I HAVEN’T TRIED FUCKIN BREATHING, FUCKING HELP ME WHAT THE FUCK?

Yeah, I feel that. I’m a clinician and I don’t do breathing exercises when I’m upset. The last thing I want when I’m highly stimulated is to be asked by a calmer person “Have you tried breathing yet?” Since you’re not panicked now, perhaps you can appreciate the following interpretation of this quote.

When you’re panicked and anxious, your breaths get shorter and more shallow It contributes to this feeling of not being able to breath pushing us further into a panic attack because we feel we like we are on the brink of a heart attack and sudden death.

We ask you to do breathing exercises so that eventually, it comes naturally to you. We are asking you build a habit. You cannot build a habit without practicing it. Daoists take this idea much further. This quote is about about mindfulness and the power it cultivates in the form of mental tranquility.

The idea behind this quote is that you “breathe through your feet”, breathing being the action that brings “energy” into the body, up through the trunk. The belly expands upon inhale, and upon exhale the breath or “energy” moves into the top half of our body. 

When this is done successfully, Daoists say they feel almost a soft radiation through the body. The concept, roughly described, is that we breathe with our lungs and become trapped in the non-present (considering future or past events as opposed to the ones before us). Here it could be assumed that this is how we become susceptible to panic and anxiety. We lack wisdom because we are operating in a lesser capacity, according to Dao.

When you shift your focus pertaining to where the energy comes from, which is the earth as opposed to another source, we are mindful to our entire form.

As you can see, mindfulness (probably a “western” term for what the Dao refer to when discussing breathing) has been used and promoted since the year 4 BC. Almost funny when you consider it. People have been pissed off about breath work being touted since before Christ. Glorious.

A subsequent interpretation of this quote is that when we practice mindfulness, we are wiser because it’s simply harder to do in a moment of panic. You are manually taking control of your body. We don’t usually have to do that, that’s why it feels so weird. Our body should just deeply breathe on its own, right?

Wrong, at this point you’ve been conditioned to respond to stress with a panic response, so unless you take some form of action, be it medication or mindfulness, you will remain “breathing from the throat”. 

So when we ask you, “have you tried breathing exercises yet?” It’s not meant to be dismissive or condescending. We are essentially asking to slow your body down so that you may choose the best course of action as opposed to- yes, you know it- creating action in reaction that has effects you may be unable to reverse. 

Bringing it full circle- by practicing mindfulness, you cultivate the wisdom to control the effort you exert into the universe because you understand that actions out of reaction may disturb the natural course of the universe.

In western thought, this means not doing fucked up shit when you’re upset that will bring you subsequent consequences as every action creates further action. Talking about Karma starts to mix two separate schools of thought, but karma can be explained as the consequences of your own actions coming back to you as there are no actions that do not inspire further events.

This was somewhat of a dry post, but do yourself a favor, and do the fuckin breathing exercises. I know you don’t want to, I don’t want to either. Just do them, practice them when you’re not upset to eventually appreciate the value of telling people to fuck off so you can breathe. It’s actually quite a thing to stop and breathe, people don’t know what the fuck you’re doing but you look like a sage. Fake it until you make it, motherfucker.

-thebadsocialworker

[thebadsocialworker]

To Ham, or Not to Ham ?

It's snowing feelings out there, better stay inside so you don't get cold.

"He who talks more is sooner exhausted" -Lao Tzu

So this is somewhat impossible to understand out of context, so you have to read the full verse. Basically, this quote is about the concept of "wu wei" in Dao. Wu wei can roughly be described as "effortless action". If you want to know more about Dao, google it at work.

I interpreted this quote as relating to the concept of inaction as action (Dao), mental health, and our reactions to stimuli. This quote is for the hot heads, the borderlines, the traumatized... any of you that feel like you need to stay at home to avoid going to jail, whether jokingly, or more literally.

How many of us have reactions to things out of fear of doing nothing and what that means. How many of us have experienced injustices as children that were let go, not addressed, never apologized for? Bullied kids who didn't fight back but wish they had. Children that grew into adults that react violently, react harshly, or even just erratically. It's because we have a distorted understanding of inaction.

Whatever happened to you, it resulted in you carrying a resentment towards the people that hurt you and the people (or even yourself) who were supposed to protect you. It doesn't matter how you end up with this feeling, the point is that you have it. You felt as if "no one did anything to help me; nothing happened to the person that hurt me."

This is how you learned that "doing nothing" is worse than doing literally anything else, including things that are destructive to us. Some people are also put in positions where their inaction towards an offense could affect how they're treated in a more amplified setting such as prison, in schools, etc. It all stems from the fear that inaction will attract further harm to us.

Integrating this concept of wu wei, inaction in this sense would be the goal. Neutrally stating, you don't need to put in any effort as doing such would continue to create further actions in the universe experienced beyond you and the stimuli. When applied to the year of 2024 and its reality:

At the most extreme, your action results in the traumatization of others- murder, abuse, r*pe, physical harm. Actions that create further actions that are not beneficial or natural. Extreme effort. At the other end of the spectrum, is complete non-action. You do nothing, it is "effortless". Some of us get close but still engage in actions that are palpable to others, perhaps hardly, but still felt.

Hardly ever do our most extreme reactions satisfy us. Rarely do they not hurt us in some capacity, internally or externally. Think of it less of someone "did" something to me, and more "I could also alter the course of nature at this time as this person has also done."

Sometimes, we react to people that don't even deserve the reaction, they're rude to us and don't even know us. It's then that we make take this personally due to our numerous experiences in life that have already sensitized us to being disrespected. People we may know deeply might also hurt us. It still doesn't mean they deserve the effort in perpetrating an extreme action.

People don't deserve the effort because it is impossible not to be harmed yourself in the process, when exacting a reaction. Non-action carries only the connotations you believe in. Inaction as a response doesn't mean anything other than not further altering the natural course of the universe in a way you may not be able to fix.

I know this is all easier said than done. Let me remind you that personal growth while you're alive cannot be rushed, it shouldn't be rushed. There are many spaces for mistakes and the same amount for contemplation. Every effort you put in no matter how small you feel it is, is never wasted, because you're investing in yourself.

-thebadsocialworker

[thebadsocialworker]

I want to start a collection of the comments I've heard from nurses:

"Well, it's your license so whatever"

"Well if you're gonna be screaming for you parent in the er, guess you shouldn't hit em"

"Oh so it's OK for him to bite me then?"

Some good ones, I'll get more.

-thebadsocialworker

[thebadsocialworker]

Another gray day

“Ambition has one heel nailed in well, though she stretches her fingers to touch the heavens.” -Lao Tzu 

Welcome back to another day in the tundra of mental health struggle. Glad to see you, come sit by the fire friend and let’s talk.

Another quote from Lao Tzu. I’m in a pretty dark place in my personal life so I’ve been using spirituality as a coping mechanism for the things I cannot change as I very often feel this planet is a flaming shit rock that I can’t get away from.

Back to Lao Tzu-

“A heel nailed in well”, this would refer to the boundary set before you. The “impossible” that keeps you stagnant. The looming pain of perseverance.

“Though she stretches her fingers to touch the heavens”. Despite the boundary set, one pursues the perceived “impossible”. In philosophy, humans are never “free”. You might feel this on a societal level- slavery exists, there are jails and prisons, laws, financial obligations- all kinds of things. 

To take it deeper, in philosophical theory (look this up on your own time) we will never be free, even in an anarchical society as we are bound by the laws of physics and biology. This means that you will never be able to fly, you will never be able to breathe underwater or exist in space without being crushed to stardust particles. We must breathe, we must eat, we die.

These are truly the only confines human beings have that are not constructed by man. With that being said, anyone that’s ever struggled with mental health knows the feeling of fighting to obtain mental tranquility and the exhausting ambition it takes to continue when many of us fight pieces of our own selves day to day.

Mental health issues never truly go away, you learn to live with them, you become familiar with their voices, the sounds of their footsteps creeping back into your mind when you can’t sleep…

Mental health isn’t a one and done thing. It is something that requires daily maintenance. With all of this being said, continue to reach for what you think is beyond your capability. The peace, the clarity, the restful nights and slow mornings. 

Ambition is an easy thing to talk about, but much harder to cultivate in real time, especially when you’re up against your own biology and memories. Ambition doesn’t need to be expressed in an immediate fashion, everything now in 2024 has to be instant. That’s bullshit. Don’t burn yourself out believing you eventually no longer be “mentally ill” if you work hard and fast enough. Watch enough reels on instagram, or take the fuckin internet gummies people think are full psilocybin.

Take it slow, take it a little at a time. You won’t burn yourself chasing an inaccurate goal of being “cured” from what ails you. Don’t set yourself up for failure, because every time you think you’ve reached “nirvana” mentally but then experience a symptom, you’ll feel like a failure. Worse than if you hadn’t tried at all. It’s a lifetime journey. You will reach stability, but you have to keep your level of ambition to maintain it. 

Remember, you’re truly only grounded by the confines I mentioned earlier. The world is your little fucked up oyster, take it slowly, and you’ll wind up with a pearl.

-thebadsocialworker

(not mental health advice, I don't really help people, they help themselves).

[thebadsocialworker]

I'm back, and worse than ever<3

"Whether you're a gem in the royal court or a stone on the common path, if you accept your part with humility the glory of the universe will be yours" -Lao Tzu

Let me preface this by saying, this isn’t mental health advice, merely a a reflection that hopefully serves as a glimpse to the other side for people that struggle consistently with mental health. All disorders are welcome here. But this isn’t a TikTok page. This isn’t entertaining. This isn’t fake. This isn’t a zone for glorification, this is a quiet space for people to read when they’re alone and feel they can’t share some of their inner most thoughts with the people around them. Come stay with me for awhile.

I want to talk about this quote as it relates to mental health and my position as a morally grey clinician.

This quote basically says “when you accept your position in life, you are not bound by the distraction of wanting to be something different than yourself, things become possible that were not previously available to you. Lao Tzu makes an interesting statement “whether you’re a gem or a stone”. Some people make take away from this that there are two classes of human beings, those that are “gems” and those that are not. This isn’t the point he’s trying to make and if you think about it deeper, a much more encompassing thought occurs-

In my job, I encounter people from all positions in the spectrum of human existence. I encounter people that appear to be “gems” in society; privileged, educated, wealthy. I encounter the “stones” who are truly, never stones. All people are dynamic and fascinating. Mental health doesn’t discriminate, it affects everyone. Thus, the gems and the stones in this concept, are the same.

Depending on your temperament, you’ll either agree, we are all stones, or all gems. The point is that we are equal and this is supported by the vast afflictions of mental health issues globally. It’s not congruent to think, others are gems, and I am a stone, if we are all human. Even gems die. Gems bleed. They cry alone too sometimes. There is no true division. We are united in secret by the things we do not discuss. 

Do you see how this quote is like a clever trick ? When you contemplate it, you realize you can accept your position in life because you’re actually not truly different from others you perceive to be in higher positions than you. You’ll only get caught up if your values aren’t sorted- money, power, material things. Of course we all tend to care about these things, but perhaps you’re perpetuating your own feelings of inadequacy. This is just a gentle prompting to think about the things that matter to you the most- experiences, feelings, people- and if you’re living in a way to honor those values.

Do the things you chase after set you free or do they entangle you ?

As a clinician, I see no distinction between “gems” and “stones”. So many concerns you think are personal to you, are spoken by strangers to me. People generally worry that they’re “bad people”, that they’re “crazy”, they don’t know what the purpose of their lives are, people miss their loved ones they don’t talk to anymore, people don’t get enough sleep, people hope for forgiveness- a softness that the world doesn’t have anymore. It’s thoughts like these that tell me, we are connected together even in our darkest fears.

The porchlight is always on here,

-Thebadsocialworker

[thebadsocialworker]

About Me

You're probably looking at this page like, "what the fuck is this ?"

Yeah, ok, let me introduce myself.

I'm a young, mixed social worker. I live in a medium sized city somewhere very, very cold. I'm highly educated but there was a time when I wasn't allowed on school property or I would be arrested. My past before I was 18 was extremely traumatic and shady. I almost died multiple times, by my own hand and by the hands of others. I've seen murders--all kinds of fucked up shit. I lived in one of the most violent places, in one of the most violent neighborhoods in the country for 10 years as an artist and chef before I fell into this life. It's been a wild ride.

My coworkers are yt women that have only ever lived in yt, suburban places. They've evidently never been victims of anything because of their overarching expressions of empathy and advocacy for the forensic clients I work with. I'm a survivor of a brutal rape and assault and I entered this field to throw the fucking book at rapists, chomos, and people that hit women (Yeah, I'm a woman, surprise).

I knew what I was getting into when I took the job. I knew I would be face to face with people who have done abhorrent things and I would be tasked with showing them empathy, understanding, and helping them progress into productive and mentally well members of society. I knew this would fuck me up being the victim of a crime that the DOJ didn't pursue because apparently smoking weed as a teenager makes your rape and violent beating invalid. I know I'm not the only one that will feel the burning in their face when they read that. I didn't care, I wanted the privilege of working with severely mentally ill people who have super fucked up criminal histories.

See, I would just be a detective but I don't want to spend like 5 years doing petty shit like drug arrests. I don't care about that shit. Plus, I smoke copious amounts of marijuana and have for decades. It's illegal where I live. I don't give a fuck. Fuck the government.

Anyways, you're probably starting to see why this blog is called what it is. I had a 4 point in graduate school. I was high for every research paper I wrote. I have a criminal history myself, yet here I am. Pretending every day that I have never-ending empathy and compassion like my co-workers, like I don't think some people are wastes of biological material, like there shouldn't be prisons, like there aren't any "true" sociopaths-that there's good in everyone. My clients love me, I'll do pretty much anything I can to help them. I'm true to my word.

but I hate people and I'm a nihilist. It's a double life. My future is in research. One day, you might buy one of my books and have no idea I used to run a shitty mental health blog full of nihilism and chaos in the early 20's.

Anyways, one of my clients tonight got stabbed. They're fine but it's been a fucked up day and I need to smoke a blunt and go to bed.

Thanks for reading this shit, I'll check in tomorrow, and probably have something unsettling to tell you.

-thebadsocialworker

[thebadsocialworker]

Welcome

I'm young, I'm a social worker. I spend most of my time preparing to become an expert in Forensic Psychology. My co-workers and supervisors think I'm a saint. My clients love me. I secretly hate people. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an asshole. I'm just a

~b a d s o c i a l w o r k e r~

[thebadsocialworker]

Time

This is a slight break from my usual content. I want to introduce my thoughts pertaining to time and what it is.

I lucid dream every night and I have a consistent, day to day dream life, and obviously my "waking" life as it's known to dreamers like me. In my dream, I fell asleep during a car ride while I was lucid. I woke up in the dream after what I could internally perceive as a microsecond. It's the same feeling as when you wake up after being asleep.

When you wake up, it feels like time went by quickly, yet we understand we have likely been sleeping for hours. In my lucid dream, it felt very similar however, I knew hours had not passed, and it was truly a microsecond. I didn't dream within my dream. It was just black and then I woke up at my destination and continued to lucid dream.

It occurred to me that time as we know it seems to only apply when we are awake but in sleep, the concept disappears entirely. This further supports that time is a concept we only understand to the best of our ability, thus time works in ways that we can't understand with our current systems.

We only understand it to the best of our abilities because anyone that knows anything knows we are limited due to our status as beings in a world that is governed by physics.

If our systems measuring time are based solely on a perception of what constitutes time, that means it is not a static element but rather something that change3s while experiencing external stimuli.

For example, measuring time in the environment involves many layers, but say the position of the sun had not been the focal point of marking the passage of time. Ancient tribes likely marked time by the temperature or by animal activity like migrations. Using the sun to mark time is as arbitrary as any other method, basing the passing of time on an environmental value like the position of the sun.

When people have been kept in captivity without any influence from the external environment, they report losing track of time. People who have died and come back to life can't report accurately how long they've been "dead" for (not processing external stimuli). Since the beginning of time, people have reported feeling like experiences involving external stimuli feel like they last "seconds" or "hours". One of the tests used to assess someone's sobriety is to ask them to count 30 seconds. Ultimately this means that time is dependent on the perception of external stimuli and is truly unmeasurable.

What we've done is create a system to track time that's still in place because the way we have chosen to mark time is a pillar for society's functioning as we know it but that doesn't necessarily mean it accurately tells us anything. It's only accurate because we don't know anything else.

-thebadsocialworker