#the zero self worth is sad af

[gh-0-stcup]

The fuck did they do to Castiel.

[existentialcrisis-servedhot]

thoughts and feelings on harry's house

music for a sushi restaurant: i think this is the opener because he wanted to give us an out. like this is what my album's gonna be, all instrumental and experimental and this is your last warning, get in or out. i think that's really clever and bold and it sort of feels like he's growing into himself

late night talking: i listened to it on coachella first lol so i don't have any fresh thoughts. this is classic harry though, making us believe this is a happy album for at least the next few minutes

grapejuice: no thoughts just vibes

as it was: it was such a great thing to release this as a single 'cause it lets you know where he is headaspace wise. it's such a heart wrenching experience to listen to this song, knowing you're not alone in wanting things to be as they were, a wish never to be fulfilled

daylight: and it all goes downhill from here. things start getting melancholic from here. but the imagery goddd the imagery in this song is worth dying for. as an aspiring writer, i'm really fucking jealous

little freak: no but i literally thought this was gonna be about sex. seriously. and then it turns out to be a song that makes me feel dead inside. but let's talk about deadness on the next one, shall we? (sidenote: this bridge omggggg)

matilda: need i say anything more than what the internet has actually said? i cried. in fact this is the first time I've used the "hide" option on spotify. 'cause yk ik i need to be in a certain headspace (read: need to be in the mood to get fucked up) to listen to this one. i need to know i'm alone and can dry heave and sob before playing it. in fact i've only listened to it three times yet and i plan to keep it that way for a while

cinema: imagine being so cool harry fucking styles writes a song about it. imagine harry fucking styles wondering if he's good enough for you.

daydreaming: OMG THE INSTRUMENTALS IN THIS ONE *chef's kiss* harry's outdone even himself in terms of instruments in this album and I've got literally zero complaints

keep driving: right when i first listened to it i thought to myself, that video he was filming in that yellow outfit, it's for this one. it was just an instinctive response to the melody and even though that feeling isn't there anymore after multiple listens, if an mv does get released for this song, let it be known i prophecized it. the song in itself is just soooo ugh inexplicably lovely. it's really the kind of love letter I'd like to receive lol

satellite: ummmmm. satellite is matilda's little sibling in terms of me crying. seriously there's just something so disturbingly poignant about the lyrics. the desperation, the longing, you can feel it

boyfriends: again listened on coachella first so no fresh thoughts. but i have a feeling that he's talking about himself in this one. like idk just a feeling. like somehow a sense of self deprecation festering in it? and he's talked about how he wrote after seeing the way some dudes mistreat their partners, like his sisters and his friends, in the zane lowe interview, but it's also an acknowledgement of his own behavior so yk i'm not completely wrong haha

love of my life: just like sushi is the perfect album opener, this is the perfect last song. this is the most beautifully unsettling song on this album. like obviously matilda and satellite are sad af but on the surface this one doesn't seem sad ykwim? it's beauty is in its implicit despondence. it's beauty is in the longing for what you know YOU threw away. things aren't as they were because of YOU. and man is that concept sad. the perfect ending to a beautiful piece of art that i'm going to be playing on repeat for at least the next whole month.

[ash-etherwood]

Top 5: writing memories, songs, characters that are not blank rune, runes, food

♡

Linda I love you but are you trying to kill me … that’s so many Top 5’s! But alright, I’ll do my best! (Answers will probably switch between German and English RIP to every non-German-speaker who follows me and wants to read this for some reason I swear I’m normal)

WRITING MEMORIES

5.) The entire time I spent finishing my first (second?) longer writing project It was the year 2012 and it was a cyberpunk story about my friends’ and my edgy self inserts riding dinosaurs, fighting aliens and being badass. The plot twist in the end was that my character was secretly evil and wanted to kill everyone. (Things to show your therapist) The final boss fight made zero sense and also everything was incredibly weird and stupid. But sometimes I still think about those times when I sat in my grandma’s living room at night, eating chips and listening to Vocaloid covers while thinking this story was the coolest shit ever. Truly simpler times.

4.) Researching something about universities in Texas for OvF on a rainy Saturday afternoon I have no idea why this memory is still sticking with me to this day (I think it was around 2016 or something?), but I remember that it was just a really nice day and I felt really at peace at that moment?

3.) The entire writing process of Bathroom Blues It was such a spontaneous project and I still have no idea how I managed to power though it in just a little under two months! Also it was just incredibly fun seeing you getting excited over new drafts and I loved coming up with new plot points and Halloween costumes for everyone with you. :-D Truly a summer worth remembering.

2.) FINALLY uploading the prologue and intro chapter of WWBL Not really a writing memory, but that moment was … so sexy and magical. Seriously, you have no idea how long I had been waiting to finally start that story, waiting for the Steckbriefe to roll in and see people react to the prologue and generally the idea … I even made one of those countdown graphic thingies for the designated upload date! 8D At that point I had planned that story for about six months and just … yeah, that felt powerful to me.

1.) Writing the prologue for WWBL When I first started the draft for that prologue I was sitting at the window in my favourite hotel in Winterberg, Sauerland, wore my dark green flannel, had the window wide open breathing in the cool mountain air and allowed myself to listen to my WWBL playlist for the very first time. God, that felt so amazing. I even have a photo of it (which somehow makes it look like I have the biggest football shoulders in the universe) my sister took that night. God I miss Sauerland. )’:

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SONGS

My apologies to every favourite song of mine that I forgot about, I have a whole playlist of them, but I think these are some of my oldest faves … (Honorable mentions for Don’t Mess With Me and Not That Big by Temposhark, Goodbye by Apparat, Me And The Devil by Soap&Skin, Heart Heart Head by Meg Myers, Pain and Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace, Beautiful Crime by Tamer, Gravity Of Love by Enigma, In Flames by Digital Daggers [thanks Phi u_u] and Murder Cries by Snow Ghosts AHHH FUCK IT I could’ve just made a playlist,,,)

5.) Vater Unser by E Nomine Starting off with some weird shit, won’t we? I’ve been in love with this song since fifth or sixth grade, when I was just starting to develop an actual music taste and although I have many favourite songs by E Nomine, this one has to be my absolute fave. Every time I can relate it to a character it makes me love said character even more. (Also I think about it every time my mom forces me to go to church for Christmas so … yay? I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even be able to remember the Vater Unser if it wasn’t for this song. 8D)

4.) Wires by The Neighbourhood I think this is the newest all-time fave on this list, I found it in … 2015? Thank you, Youtube AMVs. Yeah man, this one is just … on so many playlists it’s not even funny anymore.

3.) Heathens by Twenty One Pilots An edgelord classic but like … it’s on EVERY playlist of mine. Every single one. It’s just so good. The first time I heard it was on the radio tho, when I was having breakfast with Jessie and I forced her to shazam it because it immediately stuck with me,,,

2.) Imaginary by Evanescence My first Evanescence song ever and the first step towards becoming who I am today I think. This song has like … such a big history for me, man. It single-handedly turned me goth in 2008 and I have never really thanked it for that.

1.) Eternal by Evanescence Might be my favourite song of all time. The number of dramatic RP scenes I have written with this in the background … man. Oh, also this song is the reason for one of my oldest internet nicknames, ‘eternala’, which subsequently shortened into Etschuh and then Tschuh, my main nickname until 2017, when I came out as trans and finally found an actual name for myself I was comfortable with!

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NON BLANK RUNE CHARACTERS

I know this was probably supposed to be about fandom characters but I can literally not come up with a single character right now that I love with a special burning passion and that is not my or one of my friends’ OCs so you’re getting OCs now. u_u And boy do I have a lot of those.

5.) Jackson Tracey from atroCITY (mine) This little piece of shit kept me company for a pretty long time and is still very close to my heart for some reason, although I haven’t drawn him or really thought about him in detail for a while now. My favourite thing is how I only realized what a horrible person he was after I stopped regularly working with him but honestly good for me. 8D His storyline and personality is kinda convoluted and tbh I’m not really sure how much of it is canon anyway (atrc was always a little weird about canon rip) but yeah. He’s an obsessive stalker piece of shit who pities himself way too much and he is also a semi-immortal demigod who likes knives. I hate him but he also helped me a lot with some gender and sexuality stuff so thanks I guess.

4.) Mayoko Imai from Century Riders DXPrototype (Maus’ and mine) Mayoko is a magical girl protagonist with a cool cyborg arm prosthetic and her main character trait was that she was basically a reverse weeaboo, a Japanese girl who was obsessed with American media, culture and comic book heroes! I actually love her concept a lot and she also had a pretty cool character arc in her story (which Maus and I wrote together and actually finished btw!), although it could use a lot more … polishing from today’s point of view. But I love her anyway. She always wanted to do the right thing and be a hero and got broken pretty cruelly and her ending is kinda bittersweet I guess? Ahh there’s just so much nuance to it … anyways, CR3 also stuck with me for a very long time and I enjoyed the time with her a lot. :3 (Her name had a cameo in Another Incident btw heehee)

3.) Tessa *insert extremely long chain of unnecessary first names here* von Lean from Nobody Is Perfect and Infernal Temptation (belongs to one of my old school friends) Tessa is just … a hand full. I love to hate her. She is badly written and developed and just OOZES mentally ill teenage girl’s idealized self-insert power fantasy, but she just … man, she was a big part of one of my most drama-filled high school friendships which I love looking back at so much. Tessa has fucked so many of my characters … good for her tbh! There are actually two versions of her, one is just a ‘normal’ teenage girl and one can shapeshift into a cheetah, but both of them are very close to my heart. I should really adopt and redesign her some day.

2.) Judy Khayat from Original vs. Final (mine) Look, I love all my OvF-characters and every single one of them is special to me in their own way, but Judy is just … the most complex of them all I think? Man, she went through so much … she is actually one of my oldest (semi)-active characters (I created her in 2009) and her latest version is from 2016 but I should really, REALLY revise her again tbh. She has a very complicated backstory that I didn’t handle as carefully as I should have, and anger issues and religious conflict and depression and PTSD and then Vance of all people becomes obsessed with her for no reason and decides to traumatize her even more … yeah. God I really love her but I seriously need to work on her. A LOT. I should also finally rename her tbh … let’s just see where she takes me next.

1.) Okami (I don’t even remember if she has a proper last name rn lol) from Split Realm (mine) Yeah, that bitch is just my favourite OC. She’s also very old, probably from around 2009, and initially was a magical girl with fire powers who I played in an RP with my friend Flauch but boy did she grow up! Holy fuck. Okami is a horrible person but I love her so much. She is so violent and full of anger and pain and sadness and treats everyone around her like shit and she is in love and she is a demon but also apparently the personification of the concept of Chaos but she just wants to be a teenager again and run away with the love of her life and ahhh it’s all so hopeless for her … also she turned out gnc af with time passing and pretty much went through a gender/sexuality crisis in real time with me, her creator, which is always fun. :^D I haven’t drawn her in a while tbh. Should really do that.

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RUNES IN BLANK RUNE

I’m just gonna go with the arcs here, okay? Also this entire answer might look completely different if you asked me again tomorrow, you know how indecisive I am with Blank Rune shit ahha,,,

5.) Jera Look. I know I’m boring and stupid. But I just love Tave and Liam having their disgusting little foreshadowing talk, okay? I can read it over and over. I just love my horrible little shit crime boys. Also Rhy and Phillip are there. (’:

4.) Isa This one is here because it was the first arc I witnessed in real time which gives it a very special place in my heart and it also … hit pretty hard at the time. But having read Fehu it’s become even better now! It’s just such a wonderful, tragic romance between two horrible, ruthless boys and I … I’m not immune to Rhy, sadly. :-/ Just like Phillip.

3.) Wunjo We still haven’t seen everything that leads up to Wunjo yet, but we DO know more than we did initially (wow shocker) and it’s just always a fucking blast. Also, it has the first mention of Ash’s real name … the first Rhy POV (which what the fuck!! I always feel like we had one before but we didn’t!! Wild) and it has crazy blood-soaked murder Tave, my beloved. :///3

2.) Eiwaz You guys have heard me fanboy about Eiwaz so many times already. Eiwaz-OT3 (and Kain) my beloved!!! It’s just SUCH an amazing starting point and there are so, so many things that tie back to it and every time we find out about a new one my heart makes a little jump … und es beginnt von Neuem indeed.

1.) Gebo One of the most painful but also the most beautiful arcs yet in my opinion. It’s been hyped up for so long and boy did it deliver. God, my heart still hurts when I think about that last scene. Also all the dialogue … the golden lines we got … and it’s an arc without Rhy! Crazy!! :-D I just love the relationship between Ash, Astrid and Jakob so much. God fuck I want what they have. Just maybe without the murder suicide,,,

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FOOD

5.) Diese Sonntagsbrötchen wo die Verpackung so plopp macht, wenn man die Folie abzieht Better than normale Brötchen for some reason. Most of the time. See 2.) Look man, I just really love a good breakfast …

4.) Chocolate cupcakes with cream cheese topping One of the first things from a certain baking book I tried when I was getting into baking back in 2019. God they are so tasty. I don’t make them often so I don’t get used to them too much and eating them still feels special but ahhhh I love them so much!

3.) Grünkohl mit Kartoffelbrei und Mettendchen One of my favourite things about autumn/winter and one of my biggest comfort foods. God I love this shit so much. I just put … mountains of Grünkohl and Kartoffelbrei on my plate every time and I will just warm it up for four days straight until there’s no more left. It turns me into a fucking caveman. I’m not even big on eating meat but … yeah. Everything is different when there’s Grünkohl.

2.) Normales Brötchen mit Butter und Scheibenkäse aber ich bin beim Frühstücksbuffet im Hotel Oddly specific but that’s just how it is. Sorry. Nichts geht über Brötchen mit Käse.

1.) Chilli-Knoblauch-Nudelauflauf My beloved. My comfort food. I eat it literally every second day. At least one hour in the kitchen every time. Fresh ingredients. My only vegetable intake. And I’ve been doing that for three years. I just love it so much, man. I cook it for everyone who visits me. Chilli-Knoblauch-Auflauf cured my depression.

[osamuniichann]

Map of the Soul: 7

After a ~315 day drought without new music and a comeback from the legends, we are finally back with MOTS: 7! It been a hot minute since ive done a album review (solely for myself LMAO) so lets get back into it bc this album is a home run

Interlude: Shadow. Here we have the extended version of the interlude. can i just say that the lyrics to this masterpiece are so real and true. its not suga speaking nor is it agust d, this is min yoongi speaking of his internal conflict with the celebrity life, which is heartbreaking. on another note, the visuals of the mv are stunning and the ending--dont u just wanna go apeshit??? truly a great addition to the album!

Black Swan. sister black swan has been with us for a month-ish now? it still bumps. HARD. i blasted this to and from my drive to work to the point where i was scared if id get sick of the song but that didnt happen. the way how its hard to pinpoint when and where a member would sing/rap because they INTENTIONALLY wanted the voices to blend as if they were one body. this is the group’s narrative on how no matter how passionate one is on a certain craft, when they lose that drive, its like a death. and it is up to themselves to spark that love and interest once again. a very relatable story across various media, talents, skills, etc.

Filter. When I first heard that this was a jimin solo showcasing the many sides of Jimin, i thought that it was going to be a sad ballad to kind of follow the theme mots: 7 seemed to give off; thought that it would talk about how he has to force personas onto himself to appeal to the masses, but it is the complete opposite. Jimin is all the faces he puts on, he can be cute, sweet, and caring Jimin but he is also a sexy, flirty young man that can attract any living being. how he switches from falsettos to a lower register voice is beyond me, what a versatile one he is! <3

My Time. Moving onto jungkook’s solo, I knew the lyrics were going to be sad especially when it seems to compare himself to others his age. How he speaks about how fast time runs for him, how his childhood and current life is not of the average 22 year old (LIKE UM HERE I AM, SAME AGE AS JUNGKOOK AND IM NORMAL AF while he’s out here breaking records?? WOW). but the life of jungoo can be a bit overwhelming, completely understandable. I just want our boi JK to know that he can be himself and live freely despite such different circumstances. On another note, the groove of this track is so GOOD. it reminds me of Ari and ugh i LIVE for this jam

Louder Than Bombs. When the track started, I could totally tell Troye Sivan helped produce it, it has such a unique sound that only Troye would use. It sounds like this song would totally be on a movie soundtrack IDK WHY. like, i can picture it during an apocalypse movie sldkjg im not completely sure what the meaning is to the song (bc im big stupid) but i feel like its a track saying that no matter the struggles, they will continue to sing confidently, strongly, and wholly to us endlessly. beautiful, just beautiful.

ON. Moving on to the title track of MOTS: 7! I’m very picky about strong anthem-type songs but ON is actually p addicting HAHA There’s a background sound that repeats in the back that sounds like Sans from Undertale, aint that wild LMAO but anyways, the Manifesto Film was crazy good. The drums, the band, the breakdown of it all? UNBELIEVABLE. Also, JK’s vocals during the bridge? H O W. That breakdown tho...oof, that was amazing. They still dance with the thirst that rookie bts would and i think thats why ppl are so drawn to them no matter how many years pass. Fun fact: the choreographer of ON as well as Dionysus actually is from my city in Hawaii and we went to the same high school THATS WILD. the talent she holds!

UGH! Rap line ATE this shit, are we KIDDING. An ode to all the hate comments that we receive, u can see how fed up they are. They made POINTS and we all agree, its the damn law. The way how they opened up with a gunshot, we knew it was coming. Everyone joked about how we bout to hear some gunshots on this album, well they threw ALL of it on this track. Can i just say that Hobi’s verse tho? it hits different, it really do. When they went “ahem, ahem. ahem, ahem-ahem, YOUR AHEM. AHEM-AHEM--” OOOOOUGH i felt that shit!! god, imagine this in concert...the building aint ready!

0:00 (Zero O’ clock). Now we have the vocal line track, we knew they were bout to present some vocals. Great sound, slow and reflecting. Not the first track I’d listen to but it is a great listen. The lyrics tho get to me. The way how they comfort us and say that life can be rough but you can be happy. no matter what happens, with the turning of the clock to 0:00, its a brand new day and we can make the day better. what a powerful message that all of us need to hear once in a while. we will be happy guys, we deserve to be.

Inner Child. Tae’s solo which is a message to his young self. I expected a slow ballad filled with his warm vocals reminiscent of Winter Bear, 4 o’ clock, and Scenery but boi was I wrong. He has this sunset glow voice that wraps u so warmly and the sound is just so happy, pure, and innocent. Its a hopeful message to his younger self on how we will change and be the amazing person we want to or will be. I was sobbing at this song, I tell u. It was 2:00 am in the morning and I was sobbing into my pillow. Imagine comforting your past self that everything will be okay and to take ur hand, it will be all worth it in the end. When he sang “ur my boy, my boy, my boy, my boy!” Ugh...the tears!

Friends. When I heard this was a vmin duet expressing their friendship with each other, I knew it was going to be so emotional! I didn’t expect such a fun, poppy sound tho. They truly are soulmates, the love they have for each other is so wholesome and real, it truly exhibits the love I have for my friends--they’ve been with me through thick and thin, during happy and sad times; the amounts of serotonin they give me is just HHHH. The way how Tae and Jimin have been friends since high school until now is just ugh...we love it. Towards the end when they started singing “you are my soulmate!” towards each other, i started sobbing so hard because WOW. the shivers i felt, this song made me so happy and full! 

Moon. Next we have Jin’s solo which is an ode to us army’s. And on another perspective, this is a song from the moon (jin) to the Earth (army)--i have tears in my eyes. The lyrics especially got me in a chokehold and made me sob, the way how he says that he will always be by our side no matter what, the same way how we are there for him...god. The chorus really gets to me, it feels so happy and thankful and I just want to tell Jin that I will forever follow him and the boys. They’ve been with me for years now and I will continue to support, love, and listen to them. Ily to the moon and back, our moon.

Respect. I didn’t expect a Namgi duet but HERE WE ARE. Goddd when i heard that i was SO EXCITE. They’ve known each other for +10 years now and they never miss the chance to tell everyone that they’ve been friends for that long. Not @ how they disliked each other at first but grew to be so mf close, to the point where their family. Ughhh, im so uwu rn. Im so happy, so so happy that Nams started it with AYO SUGA; i SCREAMED. Also, i heard that they recorded it in one take and i could see how much fun they had--especially considering that their rap styles are completely different. Even tho in the song they joke about not knowing what the word Respect means, we know...we just KNOW the high amounts of respect they have for each other. As they mentioned before, Yoon’s respects towards Nams’ leadership and care towards everyone and Nams’ respect towards Yoon’s love and passion for music and producing. Peak comedy is Yoongs overloading on autotune during his parts to the point where its intentional. Bless Namgi.

We are Bulletproof: The Eternal. I felt like a CLOWN when this track started. Like everyone, i thought we were going to have a third installment similar to that of the strong, hip-hop, gunshot-filled part 1 and 2 of we are bulletproof, but we were met with soft vocals and rap. The lyrics tho get to me. This truly was a song about their entire journey and i felt like I experienced all years with them. They’ve been through so much and the way how they sang “we are we are together/forever bulletproof!” They are proud of where they came from and it has stuck with them till now. They are such real people...i cry. ALSO the “We were only seven, but we have you all now.” Whenever i see pictures of their debut fanmeets/concerts vs now its just crazy. imagine singing as an entire being during concerts when they start “OOOOH OH OHH” im so immensely proud of the feats they’ve reached and im excited on what they do next! <3

Outro: Ego. The way how he started it with the fitness gram pacer test just like in previous albums, ugh what a throwback! this song is such a Hobi track, its fun, dance-inducing and its just so FEEL GOOD. the way how he switches flows and is capable of doing so is *chef’s kiss* the way how he speaks about the path he takes is difficult but he doesnt regret it...SOBS also the mv??? UGH SO CUTE. the flashbacks too;; i cry

ON (feat. Sia). With this track, there’s not much extra I can say, all my opinions still stand with the original track wit ot7. I jokingly told my friend that if Sia is gonna be on the track “hey nanana’ing” the same why Halsey was only “oh my my my’ing” i will ctfu. and...welp, that was what happened. I do love Sia tho so props to her!

Overall: I initially thought that MOTS: 7 was going to be a dark, ballad-filled album but it was anything but. It had so much fun songs, the lyrics are again, so deep and meaningful--it pulls at your heartstrings. It felt so raw, personal, emotional, and i love it in all its being. The boys will continue to amaze me no matter what they put out and i forever and endlessly will support and love them the same way they do for us. MOTS: 7 is a masterpiece and im in love

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

Spiritual Log 2.0 November 26 2019

Subtitle: My personal essay on “The troubles of having BOOMER PARENTS,” actual or boomer-ized 😂

Hi everyone, so... This is the part 2 I was talking about... I have been planning to make this post since the OK Boomer thing popped out, which was around early this year? But I never got to, basically because life. Also because my writing app keeps crashing and just when I have written 4 pages of stuff or so, it died, and I didn’t get to save anything. I have to quit with the device, boot up the PC and do it because I cannot rest and I will not rest until I had this post up and running. So here you go, an account of having actual boomer parents lol But not all of them ok? Just most of them. Mine, at the very least. You don’t have to read this long-ass full-of-triggers post but if you need to feel validated because nobody  listens to your pain, it’s OK, feel free to read.

Disclaimers: I am writing this mostly for sharing and to give comfort to basically everyone who got negatively-affected deeply by the boomers in their lives. I am not putting any blame, just putting this info out there. Also, I am using the term "boomer" in its original sense, which is the shortened form of BABY BOOMERS aka the kids who were born around the time of World War II, most especially those born AFTER the war has ended. Also, don’t feel sad if you feel like your parents or other adult guardians just don’t get you. It’s bound to happen, and it’s better to just focus on the people who understand and get you better. Sometimes, if not most of the time, we just have to let go of expectations that the people we expect to understand the most because we’re related aka family members will do just that, but instead are the ones who will make us feel alienated the most. That’s quite painful at first, but very liberating once you get the hang of it.

OK, so before we get off-track, I shall start the premise of this post by saying that anyone who acts like a typical boomer aka isn’t open-minded, is too-fixed in their ways, isn’t open for discussions, has no ounce of creativity whatsoever, has no room for compromise or even agreeing to disagree, well, they’re boomers I guess? But what I will write here is an actual account of having actual boomer parents aka Pluto in Leo folks so yeah, you might wanna check out my post on that, right here. Then go back here lol

To start this post, I would like to mention that if you were led here, one way or another, I am here to tell you that this is no coincidence, the divine realms want you to reach your highest potential, but first to have to feel your lowest lows, through the eyes of other people. I will try my best not to make this a heavy post, but it might turn into one because I will be letting out my personal experiences and be at my weakest, even weaker than a soggy piece of bread. Please bear with me.

I don’t know who initially coined the term “OK boomer” but honestly, the phenomenon of youth infuriating the older generations is nothing new. This has been going on since time immemorial, which undoubtedly lead to steady improvements in science and technology. Unfortunately, when it comes to making connections, it pretty much just made understanding other people with large age gaps grow much harder, thus pushing them further apart. As a rebellious and hopelessly crazy child of boomer parents, this is how I faced my early life and even my life right now. It’s a way of living.

I don’t know exactly why boomer parents are just so hard-headed about things like work, stability, education, social standing, marriages, the lives of other people, the superficial stuff that pretty much other Pluto generations (again, see my post here lol) seem to not put that much energy into. They just had the best of luck by getting to choose their end goal, and following a straight, narrow-path to success that actually worked for them well. Go to school, get a job, get a higher education, you’ll get promoted, and then you’ll become a boss. Get married, have kids, buy a very large house and a really fast car, and you’ll be so happy. Climb the social ladder under all costs and you will find respect and success. That’s what these boomers swear by, because these life formula were something that they were able to easily get. Easy promotions (they will tell you that they worked “hard” for it, yeah like 2 years or so. I have been a work slave for more than 10 years and got nowhere so yeah, “hard work” is extremely subjective), easy grades (remember, so many breakthroughs came after their time so younger kiddies have to learn a whole lot more garbage in school), basically they had to struggle less than younger people have to do right now because there weren’t as many people they have to compete with. 

Don’t expect boomers to ever feel your pain. I mean, if the tried and tested formula worked for them, they cannot see past the idea that it just doesn’t work for you. They will never accept the fact that you can see all the flaws and holes in the system, they were simply conditioned to believe that what they learned worked for them, therefore what they did was right and you should just suck it up like they did. It will never occur to them that you were just being your honest self, that you wanted something that aligns more with high-vibrational energies like REAL teamwork, emotional support, caring for the well-being of others, stuff that they never had to contend to because they were all cut-throat and had to be selfish AF when they were your age. They would blame dead-tired folks like us as lazy, unproductive, haven’t worked hard enough (with all your MS degrees and PhD’s and hundreds of seminars and congresses and certifications and competitions that you undertook) and all that downplaying yadah-yadah even if the only thing you haven’t done literally is to sell your soul to the devil just to get a measly raise. The system failed you tremendously even though you followed what your boomer parents told you to do, you did your best to live the most honest and straight path you could ever do, and yet you still didn’t get anywhere while the unscrupulous people were rolling in the deep by passing through all the loopholes in the system. This is something that boomer parents will never, ever understand and is something that we, as spiritually aware and awakened people must come to terms with and be open to accept.

Of course, don’t get me wrong. I am not shunning the idea of having a great, easy and abundant life. I have been doing my best to get to that point. I mean, yeah, sure it would be nice to have some food everyday, a house to live in, maybe feel a bit better than scraping each and every day, not get judged by other people, but honestly, once you start falling into the rabbit hole of waking up to what reality really is (spoiler alert: it’s not what you were told it would be, because you already tried EVERYTHING and nothing just worked out for you) it just makes even more nonsensical. These vague ideals of what happiness truly is (for these boomers) just aren’t exactly worth expending any energy into. Besides, based on my own experiences, no matter what I do, no matter how much I try to please everyone there are always a lot of people, including my own parents who just have so many negative things to say about me, so why even bother lol. SO I just gave up. I let them do whatever they want, I mean, it’s not like I have any good reputation left anyway. Besides, if I DO decide to show who I truly am, I just let my output and my work speak for myself. Whoever deems it ok can judge me however they would like it to be judged. It’s not like I never had issues like this before. And I have been so used to doing things on my own and not exactly relying much on other people so this is pretty much like my second skin. Being happy in it, gaining confidence, and ultimately using it to shield myself from the negative stuff the rest of the world throws at me is what I do a lot of.

Of course, it wasn’t always this way. I mean, as a kid I just couldn’t stand the idea of having to grow up at the speed of light because the parents aren’t exactly being parents. Most, if not all of the boomer parents out there, including my own have been hard pressed to do what they want in order to get ahead in their lives. No holds barred, no morality concerns, the most important thing is getting the results they want. Always be on top. Always succeed. Being Ok with failure is for losers. Zero cares on how the processes have been done, as long as they have their preferred outcome. I cannot stress how RESULTS are extremely important, alongside perfection at all costs. Certificates, awards, merits are things that are very important to boomers because they signify a sense of aptitude. Even if those credentials were all fake. Or even superficial. But that’s what they deem important. I can’t even tell you how many certificates, awards, trophies, all that stuff that my parents accomplished are here in our home, and yet you can count how many family pictures there are in here. Spoiler alert, my right hand has more fingers than we have family pictures here. It’s pretty sad, but I could safely say that for my boomer parents, it is very clear to me what their priorities in life were, and still are. And that’s something that I have been having a hard time moving past from, but I am doing my best to heal from that. It’s a deep wound, but I want to believe that I am going to be OK. Of course, because everything that stems from childhood is very hard to remove and is quite painful to do so, especially without any form of mental health practitioner aid, and, well, it’s an uphill struggle for everyone.

As a boomer’s kid, the very thing I could remember since childhood was doing a lot of stuff by myself, learning to do stuff on my own. We basically live and breathe DIY, so living by ourselves typically pose no problem. A whole bunch of us Pluto in Scorpio boomers’ kids had to typically raise ourselves, on our own, like self-raising flour lol but no, really, like we have to take care of ourselves a lot. No internet back then, phones were but a luxury and so were Cable TVs and gaming consoles, encyclopedias and other sources of information were limited to libraries (unless your family was rich enough to buy the latest set). Everything we learned, we learn through trial and error. No manuals,little to no instruction guides, no walkthroughs nor playthroughs, no cliffnotes. Not enough adult supervision. We just play outside with our peers, or on our own. Because the boomer parents are always out and about, chasing their careers, making a name for themselves, earning the cash they want so they can go out and take vacation breaks, buy the house and car that will make others envy them, that sort of stuff. 24/7 non-stop work because no work equals no pay and no pay equals less money to pay for loans, and less money to enjoy. This also means that no quality time to spend with kids, or get to know them, every interaction just consists of shallow stuff like how was school, did you get top grades, you’re not doing hard enough, stuff like that. Pretty shallow, if there even has any kind of interaction. Most of the time, they bring home extra work, so good luck getting some form of help with school. Of course, again, I am basing these on my own experiences, so you might wanna take a look at your own life experiences and compare them, see what makes sense aka what resonates.

For me, what I find really hard and painful is that I just cannot connect with my parents. And they have no intention of connecting with me in any way, shape or form. I have always been very keen and vocal on what I want, what I need, why I hate things, why I love things, why I hate getting hugs and kisses from my boomer parents’ friends, how I get bullied at school or elsewhere everyday, and why for some reason I could strongly feel the hidden intent of everybody, which is why I hate going out in public as well. Of course, telling these things to boomer parents can be a source of nightmares, because they would simply tell you that YOU ARE WRONG. Period. No questions asked. THEIR WORDS ARE AUTHORITY. Because for boomer parents, their children are just EXTENSIONS  OF THEMSELVES, and THUS THESE CHILDREN HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT TO EXPRESS ANY OPINIONS THAT DIFFER FROM THEIR OWN BECAUSE THEY ARE DEEMED INCAPABLE OF THINKING for THEMSELVES. Basically boomer parents assume that their children will always agree with them, thus bypassing the need to confirm and verify their actual wants and needs, even if in reality the children have actually very opposing and differing ideas. Hence the boomer parent tagline “I KNOW YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF” comes to mind. If the boomer parent does actually receive very, very differing and even polarized opinions from their children because they kept assuming that they know what the kids want or know, THESE people will always find a way to tell you that what you feel, what you hear, what you know ARE ALL WRONG. They will always tell you that YOU HAVE NO EXPERIENCES IN LIFE SO DON’T EVEN BOTHER TELLING THEM THINGS THAT THEY WILL NEVER AGREE ON. Everything that they know is fixed and anything that contradicts their knowledge is JUST WRONG. Yep. Even more so if your parents are teachers, and because they teach other people and have high authority over them, they have grown accustomed to the identity of just being accepted without any complaints or dissention. A really horrible combo when you’re a genetically rebellious kid and your parents are boomers. What’s even more ironic is that they’re always out when you need people in your life, so you go to whoever is available to help you, thus you forge better connections outside your home, and in turn you absorb the ideologies of other people, because they make sense to you a whole lot more than what your boomer parents believe in. And yet they would and will always dare tell you that you’re basically not their child because you think so very differently from them. lol the irony is never lost on me. I find it usually funny when I exercise my Gemini detachments but when I fall into my Cancer abyss (it sucks to be a Cancer Venus) I just get all downtrodden and yeah, waterworks spill out. I had the cursed fate of having academic people as my boomer parents so I really had zero chances of being heard and understood. Even now. So in the end, why even bother?

IF you ask me, it’s because of the social conditioning of LOVING YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS EVEN IF THEY DON’T LOVE YOU BACK, AND DO NOT SUPPORT YOU NOR YOUR BEST INTERESTS is a very, very strong factor. Never mind the toxicity of relationships, I mean, those toxic relationships were very well-forged during childhood, so those things become quite normal, even if they should never even be to begin with. That is something that I have seen not just with myself but with a lot of people. People who keep putting up with jerks. People who end up in dead-end jobs and seeing the light in their eyes slowly die. Even worse, people who got hurt so much by others that they literally turn into the very thing that hurt them the most. It’s just so painful to see all of these, all because of the skewed ideals that FAMILIES SHOULD STICK TOGETHER THROUGH EVERYTHING. ALWAYS SUPPORT YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS, even if they do you wrong. Even if they treat you like dirt. Even if they just suck the life out of you. Even if they just use you as an emotional crutch. Even if they don’t see you for who you are. Even if you mean nothing more than a tax break to them. 

I apologize for sounding like a ranting, ungrateful lunatic but I just had to let that out.I just feel so dead inside just typing all of those up, because to be honest, I got a lot more moral support from a random dude that I chatted with and never remembered the identity of ever again, than my own kin. Honestly, I’m about to turn into my mid-30s by 2020 and yet I still have to deal with these so much issues from my past while still doing my best to live and even thrive on this 3-dimensional realm, and for me, having to look at what screwed me up while NOT PUTTING BLAME on my boomer parents have been the most taxing thing I had to do since trying to win even an ounce of their affection way, way back. I am literally one heartstring away from giving up. I have been trying to see the light and to be honest, I can’t right now. What bothers me even more is that a lot of the spiritual community posts, articles, and videos kept invalidating the shitty stuff that happened to me when I was a lot younger, and the phrases that say “That is for the highest good, all are one, we are all from Source, everything is for the expansion of the Creator” seriously if I’m not in the best mood and my friendly demons have been running amok in my head because I haven’t played with them for a while, I would shun these posts and think that I would very much want to shove them all down in a tight box and throw that into an exploding volcano like seriously I don’t need this kind of crap right now. 

So if you’re in that phase right now, don’t worry, I got your back, you’re not going crazy, what you feel is valid because feelings rarely lie, if they ever do. You are beautiful, handsome, wonderful and awesome, and what you feel is not what you are. It’s OK to fray, as long as to your true self, you stay.

Well I hope that affirmation above calmed you down.

To sum up the boomer issue post:

This is mostly a post for the people who have been swimming upstream because the world we live in has really gone down to the dogs. Nothing makes sense and despite being silenced we strive to make ourselves heard and be known. For typical renegades and rebels, having issues with authority is one of their key themes in life, and in all honesty this can actually break them. Even just having them heard would mean a lot, but if you have boomer parents, well you’re better off signing up to go to Mars, you have better chances with that. This is because most of the boomer parents or even authority figures in general are not the kind of people that would readily give in to others that disagree with them, or even want to work with other people by sharing the space, the power, and the control. They likely see this as a threat to everything that they have done in the past, and as such, anyone and anything that strongly opposes their beliefs will ultimately end up getting crashed and burned, with no questions asked. Unless you vagrantly manipulate them by stoking their fragile ego like sucking up to them and agreeing with them all the time. They’re not that impenetrable as they want you to believe, but then again, why would you even use such low-vibrational tactics when you can just move on from them altogether. Their time on earth is pretty much near the end of their rope so just let them have their moment, and focus on yourself instead. Lay your foundation of living your best and highest-vibrational life. Or at the very least, just living an honest life and living your inner truth, guided by your highest and true Self. The joy you will find from that will be so much more worth it, so I support you in that goal.

Thank you so very much for stopping by, and reading this very long, personal post, and I pray that you find the healing you seek.

With love and hugs from Source above, I remain your Soul sibling,

Mikazuki

[calum-squish]

Crazy 2am thing:

I’m jamming out to sgfg from my laptop while surrounded by my 2014 5sos posters no my door and reading tweets on my phone from Easier-era 5sos about how the youngblood era is dead. It suddenly hit me really hard how much of an impact 5sos has had on my life and who I am today. I’m not just talking about the 7 piercings I was inspired to get because of their 2014 punk aesthetic. I’m not talking about the flannel I rushed to buy because their SLFL concert in Madison Square Garden started in 2 hours and I didn’t “blend in” with the 5sos fam waiting outside the venue as much as I wanted. I’m talking about the fact that I probably really wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for 5sos.

I sat in this exact spot, on my bed, in my room at home 3 years ago in 2016, depressed af, literally crying as I listened to skh and safety pin and broken home, and the rest of the album, even though it was the only thing that brought me joy at the time. There was so much that just… was dark in my life at the time. I was depending on 5sos to stay afloat. Sounds Good Feels Good, an album primarily about depression and mental health was such a life saver. I related to so many of the lyrics, but also, was inspired by them. 5sos put a smile on my face every day and gave me the ability to stay positive through the sadness. I truly developed the “it will get better” mentality because of them, and the 5sosfam on tumblr.

Now I’m here in 2019, in the same spot, listening to these same songs for the first time in a while, and I’m overcome with emotion. They were right. It was worth it. I’m so happy right now. I no longer really live at home, I’ve got a life in America. I have 5 amazing friends, where I previously had zero. I have a boyfriend who loves me, which I previously thought impossible. I have grown in self-confidence once I left this house and my high school, both very toxic, draining places, so much so that my confidence surprises even me sometimes. I sit here in 2019 belting out the same songs I did in 2016, but now they’re sung in triumph. They are no longer my sole motivators, the thread I’m hanging on to. I don’t draw my strength from them anymore, but I am grateful to what they did for 2016 me. And I’m grateful to 5sos for being there for me when no one else was.

I’m living in America now because of them. I literally did a whole foreign exam in order to get into an American college. My motivation? Seeing 5sos in concert. With my success came the opportunity to leave my father situation at home behind, and create a happy life for myself far away. I’m crying again listening to these, but this time, they’re happy tears. I’m overwhelmed by how drastically my life has changed, and that the lyrics I clung to as mottos, put all my faith in, were right. It got better. I patched up all the holes. I’m alright.

I sit here, with 5sos surrounding me, as they have from 2014, and I realise, the love I had for them has evolved. The love I feel for them now is no longer “Calum Hood’s hot I wanna marry him.” It’s so much more than that. These boys have been with me through the lowest points of my life. They’re the only people who have never let me down. It’s crazy…I’ve never even met them. But I’ve grown with them. I haven’t always 100% agreed with the directions they’ve gone in musically, and there have been times where I thought “okay this is it. I’ve apparently outgrown 5sos and their music. Time to leave the fandom.” But something always kept me right where I was. The love I have for these boys…I can’t explain it. It’s something deep and unshakeable. It’s more than the infatuation with 4 aussies that it began with. It’s…true I suppose. They’re my first true loves because of the support we’ve given each other, the struggles I’ve faced both with them and outside of them. I don’t know…its 3am now and I’m just rambling. I just wanted to capture my emotions in this moment. What it felt like to sing sgfg from my laptop to 2014 5sos posters on my door as I looked at 2019 luke’s confident predecessor ig post.

[apex-aureate]

'Lo fellow Howler! Welcome! Can you tell us something about your faves? Btw, if u feel like talking about the RR trilogy you can find me at darrowsrising (like Darrow's Rising).💖

Heya! Always happy to talk about these sad, sad children, but it’s so hard to choose definite faves when they’re all so g o o d

So, in no particular order, here’s my top few:

1. Darrow of Lykos 

Like I said in my introduction post, I know he’s a bit of a basic pick, but still. First impression while reading RR was that Darrow is a more mature and realistic take on a typical YA protagonist. He wasn’t some spunky kid- he was a man, with responsibilities and a life. It was honestly refreshing to read about a person who had a good head on their shoulders and who didn’t immediately take to the lofty ideals of revolution. Right off the bat, his arrogance and recklessness were on full display, giving him relatable, humanizing flaws that didn’t stem from a tragic backstory and couldn’t be cured with a rousing speech or two. In fact, they aren’t really cured at all- the bravery and showmanship of his actions is often exactly what the SoA need at any given point, and it’s been really awesome to watch him recognize that about himself, harness the more negative and harmful aspects of his personality, and eventually put them to good use. He’s got so much more depth to him than a ‘tough guy with a heart of gold’ type too- Like he’s just out for blood at one point, but them his worldview is tossed around about a hundred times and he doesn’t know what to believe about the world anymore because he’s overwhelmed by the sheer size and complexity of it all. It’s such a real feeling that isn’t usually the focus of fiction like this agh

Oh, and I love that he makes mistakes ALL THE TIME. His plans don’t always work out. He kills some people he really shouldn’t have, spares some people who didn’t deserve it. He learns a lot over the course of the Institute, the Agustus-Bellona war, and the Rising through lessons that don’t feel cheap or unearned. He’s simple yet smart, deeply flawed yet totally badass, and he grows into a man worth respecting. Love ‘im.

2. Sevro Au Barca 

Another popular boyo but hey, what can you do? At first I didn’t like good ‘ol Goblin. Vulgar characters aren’t usually very high on my list and I was pretty enthralled with what a cinnamon bun Julian (RIP) was to pay attention to that weirdo upon initial meeting. I was convinced he would fill the minor antagonist role for a while (though that role went to Titus pretty early on).

Then, he saved Darrow and Cassius from the lake and we got a better look at him. Gotta say, once the Howlers got started properly, I really began to get attached to the guy. He wasn’t pretty, but the sheer earnestness and trueness of his character and his loyalty to Darrow was unseen amongst the Golds met within the Institute or in the days after. Unlike Cassius or some of the other members of House Mars, Sevro was never after power, wasn’t full of himself or deluded into believing the superiority or honorableness of his color. He was just him- gross and vulgar and crazy for all the world to see. He didn’t really become one of my favorites until Golden Son though, when Darrow realized that Sevro had figured out who he really was, and had still accepted him wholeheartedly and without judgment. I mean, damn. I cried real tears there. 10/10 best friend anyone could ever ask for.

(And he got more of an independent part in MS so that’s a win)

3. The Jackal 

 Oooohhhh man, the Jackal. I’ve already said he terrifies me.

The build up to him in the first book was so well done I-

And the scene where he cuts his hand off-

Oh and the small acts of ruthlessness and cruelty littered throughout Golden Son-

I mean I’ve seen a fair share of INTJ villains before but he’s just so brilliantly done like wow. I can’t figure out exactly what to say about him but he’s definitely one of my favorite literary villains of all time.

4. Roque Au Fabii  (Forgive me)

 Okay hear me out on this one. Of course I was angry with him in the end. He killed thousands of people in the name of pride (personal, cultural, and racial) and betrayed the friends he had fought side by side with for years on largely irrational and emotional grounds. Unlike Tactus, he didn’t show in inch of shame for any of it when the end came.

But I was completely in love with him in the first two books. He would have easily been my #1 pick if I’d been asked this about a week ago. I guess it’s the archetype he falls into as a poet, or the genuine friendship and wise, heartfelt advice he offers to counter Darrow’s driven, tunnel-vision attitude. Heck, he was even really sympathetic through most of Golden Son- from his perspective, it actually did look like Darrow was being a terrible, negligent person who took others for granted and was completely willing to sacrifice his friends in an arbitrary quest for power.

And, like Darrow, I did feel for him as he died even after he had betrayed them all for despicable cause. I know I should, but I just can’t muster up the hate a lot of other people seem to have for him. It’s not just the misunderstood artsy type that’s getting me here either- I just felt like he could’ve been better. He was a good man- among the best of the golds. And yet just like you’d expect of a Gold, he fell prey to the inevitable flaws of those at the top. Pride, entitlement, and a resistance to change all lead to his bittersweet demise. I have more thoughts on him, but I think i’ll sit on it a while longer before I really go off so don’t judge these half baked rambles as a real opinion on the matter lol

5. Eo of Lykos 

 Underrated af. I think a lot of people write her off as exactly what Darrow described her as in RR. More of a motivation, or some lost dream that was to be worshiped and held on a pedestal for the rest of the series than a standalone character. But she was as much a character as anyone else- she had real flaws and made irresponsible, selfish choices to stay true to what she believed in. She wasn’t an angel, and she didn’t end up coming back from the Vale or whatever to tell Darrow how proud she was or to stay faithful to her for life. Like Sevro, she was just a person living authentically and fearlessly for what felt inside, regardless of consequence. I can appreciate that sort of thing, especially in a female character. It’s also really interesting to have gone back and reread her chapters as Darrow’s view of his late wife develops throughout the series. You start to see past his unreliable narration of Eo’s perfection and recognize the girl behind the song.

Ye. That’s probably too many characters to count as Faves, and I haven’t even talked about Cassius yet, but I just had to say a piece about each because I have zero self control. Thanks for asking, by the way!!

[velvet-tread]

Multishipping Bellarke and Becho: a guide

I know I said I wasn’t going to be here, butttttttt things are getting crazy here and apparently I want to cut my followers down to zero so here goes.

Look, guys, ok I know the vast majority of you are on a scale of ambivalent to nuking North Korea when it comes to Becho and *FINE* I understand why. The Bellarke fandom wants Bellarke (not unreasonable!) so one half of your otp in a relationship galls.

But I love Becho even though I am Bellarke af and honestly the view is GREAT from here and I would love to share some of that good feeling around.

Seeing Bellamy and Echo in what is clearly a very happy and content (yet doomed!) relationship, is basically the most beautiful bittersweet thing to happen to me since Jason chose to serve my own heart up to me on a plate  with ai gonplei ste odon atop the satellite tower *sob*.

So I’m going to have a crack at some of the whys and wherefores of Becho and address how it could fit our Bellarke endgame.

My opinions, ok? I’m not trying to convert anyone, just spread some love.

Why put Bellamy in a long-term relationship at all?

Mostly, I think the answer is in the narrative shorthand the show is using to help us navigate the time jump, and the people Bellamy and Clarke are now. And who is that? Well, we don’t know the whole picture yet but one thing is for sure: Bellamy and Clarke have had a relatively content 6 years. They’re OK. Changed, yes, for a variety of reasons, but psychologically sound compared to, say, the people in the bunker.

Sure, there are some things missing from their lives - I’ll get to the nitty gritty of that later on - but I think we’re supposed to believe that they are more or less happy and healthy and whole.

So, I guess the question is, what does happy and whole Bellamy look like? Not only am I Bellarke af, but I am also a Bellamy stan to the core.  In the context of a 6 year time jump, I want nothing for him but contentment, appreciation and nookie on the regular. And it seems that against the odds, this has happened for Bellamy Bradbury Blake.  In the relative safety of space, in the company of his newfound space family, his impulse to slavishly attend to the everyday needs of his sister curtailed, Bellamy has actually, finally, taken 6 years for himself.

At his core Bellamy is an affectionate person, with a deep need for personal connection and intimacy. And, clearly, he’s attracted to girls and sex is high on his list of needs too (do we all need to be reminded of pre-Bree Bellamy and post-Bree Bellamy in s4?) so the idea of him in space for 6 years deprived of that emotional and physical intimacy just makes me sad.  And so, the shot of his and Echo’s quarters with their double bed, the TV in the corner, the punchbag above the bed (*raised eyebrow*) the shelving unit with 68 canteens on (why Becho, why?) is so heartwarming in its mundane domesticity. It shouted to me: BELLAMY IS OKAY.

Indulge my singing emo heart for a hot second. They clearly appreciate each other. He runs his hands up and down her arms.  She strokes his jaw. THEY ARE SO SOFT.  She soothes his Octavia anxiety. His terrible dad jokes make her laugh and ease her tension. These two people who have spent a life time pleasing others are happy making each other happy.

Oh, and he is JAW-DROPPINGLY NAÏVE.

Watching Bellamy in a comfortable space relationship with someone who hurt him so badly in the past deliver this bizarro rose-tinted expectation of his feisty, judgemental sister suggests that in his mind, everything about his life on Earth is hued in gold. This is a Bellamy who, surrounded by his friends and safety, has forgotten the grim realities of survival, of human frailty and human cruelty.

*foghorn* IT DOESN’T MEAN HE’S FORGOTTEN CLARKE OR DOESN’T LOVE HER ANYMORE. *end foghorn*

In fact, Bellamy finding love with Echo is just about the biggest endorsement of everything that Clarke stood for when she gave him her dying words of wisdom.

This Bellamy has absorbed all of Clarke’s glorious idealism, her ability to forgive, her faith in humanity, her faith in her own agency, her faith that whatever the problem is, there’s a solution. This is what head-and-heart Bellamy looks like.

Finally…realtalk time: I may choke on these words as I type them, but the truth about storytelling is that if you have an endgame ship in mind (and I stfg I refuse to be gaslighted on this any longer) and a 6 year time jump in which they believe each other dead, it would be straight up BIZARRE not to have one of them come back in a long-term relationship. No matter what the writers’ room says about Bellarke or love triangles, that is a conflict opportunity that is too delicious to pass up.  It’s what Satan would do.

But whhhhhyyyy does it have to be Echo?

Sidebar - I’m not going to get in too deep with the forgiveness question, because we’ve all been over it many a time. My take on it is that forgiveness is something you do for yourself,  not for someone else and is not the same as justice – especially when both people involved have things to answer for. For what it’s worth, the show’s take on it seems to be similar (hi Jake Griffin), so I see no reason why this is a problem in terms of tone or characterisation.

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I love Echo, and have a gazillion thoughts about what her arc could or should be this season.  But ultimately, this show is about Bellamy and Clarke, so it’s worth looking at this in terms of what this means for Bellamy’s character.

Basically: this is a question of impact. Echo represents the furthest possible point for Bellamy’s character development in the context they’ve given him (7 people in space for 6 years).  Echo hurt him, but she also represents all the terrible things that he has done himself, all of which he’s been grappling with for the past 2 seasons. So for him to be in a place where he forgives her enough to actually like her and then forge an intimate connection with her – that says more about how far he’s come in terms of forgiveness of others and self-forgiveness than, say, a relationship with Raven.

It doesn’t mean he’s ruined (and seriously, is this the 17th century?) or it’s out of character.  It means he’s taken Clarke’s lessons to heart.

How am I supposed to be invested in this relationship if I haven’t seen the start of it?

Well, I’ve been shipping Becho ever since she spat in his face in MW prior to their joint murder so I mayyy be biased but I would say we’ve been watching their relationship evolve for some time. No, we don’t get to see the point where forgiveness tipped into intimacy, but having been watching them forever it’s not a leap for me to headcanon the rest.

I get that it is a stretch for others but here’s the thing: I don’t think the show is asking us to be invested in Bellamy and Echo because they should be together forever.  The show is asking us to be invested in the peace and stability they found in space, literally in a vacuum, of which Becho is a product.

But if they’re going to split up, what’s the point?

Becho is the perfect illustration of the fragility of peace and human co-operation, which is in turn such a core theme of the show imo.  What Bellamy and the rest of the Spacekru achieved was an environment in which even Becho can forgive and flourish, find love and softness. That’s the goal.  But this isn’t that universe.  Bellamy and Echo were at odds on Earth because the reality of life there is messy, complicated and frightening.

Echo, bless her, knows that very few things are permanent, even the love of a good man. She lost Azgeda, why would she trust anything in her life to be constant after that? But this forgiving, idealistic, measured, comfortable, Clarke-like Bellamy is in for a shock.

You’re not expected to be sad about the demise of Becho because Bellamy and Echo lose each other, but because Becho represents an unsustainable level of stability and comfort that just doesn’t play in this universe.  Much like Clarke and Lexa before them, they’ll have to let go of the dream of a world in which their relationship is possible and I for one will ache for them.

I’m going to say here too that I think in contrast to Becho, I think Bellarke could survive in any environment.  It was forged out of crisis – as Eliza says, they’re in each other’s DNA.  They just have to work out what that means.

Why is it good for Bellarke?

Let’s push aside all my Bellarke shipper reasons for wanting a happy and whole Bellarke to be the people they reconnect with and find lasting love. And the fact that Clarke, too, has experienced a doomed love affair and I want my tragedy babies to be on an equal footing and commonality when they finally get their shit together.

Let’s also push aside the angst potential of Bellamy and Clarke reuniting when one of them has a long-term partner, which makes up the tense character-focused storytelling this show is famous for.

Because, narratively speaking, the way this has been set up is just so Bellarke-centric I cannot even. Bellamy’s life – including his relationship with Echo - and Clarke’s life are the missing puzzle pieces for one another. Bellamy is

happy

but there are a few things he misses.  He misses Octavia, who is practically his own child, and he yearns to be back on the ground with her. And like the rest of Spacekru, he misses the variety of living on Earth eating more than just algae. And guess what?  Clarke, who is also

happy

has both of those things.  She has a fulfilling parental relationship with a child.  She has abundance.  But what doesn’t she have? She misses her friends and family, and adult company. I’m going to go ahead and assume she also misses the comfort and intimacy of a physical romantic relationship too, because we’ve seen her enjoy those things before.  Both of which Bellamy has.  When those pieces unite, when Bellarke reunite, the puzzle becomes complete.

[miximax-hell]

There have been people, some truly wonderful souls, who have followed my blog during my long period of absence. For that, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I don’t deserve that kindness. With that out of the way, hello! Once again, it’s been so long... And that’s exactly we won’t delve in the past now. Let’s get right to it!

Today’s miximax is one that can barely be recognised at all unless you’re specifically told who the vessel and aura are. So, just in case my handwriting is THAT awful, we’ll be talking about Sakuma’s miximax today! For him, I’ve chosen a wonderful character that is, quite literally, part of the history of videogames as a whole. After the news about a new Smash coming soon, the promise of Metroid Prime 4 for Switch, and the very successful (AND SPANISH) remake of Metroid II, it feels like a great time to bring Samus Aran into the battle! The coolest intergalactic bounty hunter there ever was makes for a very simple-looking miximax, but it was still quite tough to draw because of RUST. Ah well. No one to blame but myself.

Anyway, I think this deserves a proper explanation, so let’s see why these two make for a fantastic combo! For more on that, please check under the cut. As usual.

Well, you’ve made it this far, so let’s delve a little in the past now. ww Just yesterday, I finally finished writing my graduation thesis!! That means I’m finally free... for a little while. Just enough to enjoy half a month of debauchery AND SPEND TIME WITH MY GIRLFRIEND, WHOM I MISS VERY MUCH. Oh, and my internship ended about two and a half weeks ago, too. While I am free in that sense as well, I can’t say I’m a scriptwriter and game designer right now, which kinda sucks. But they might still hire me...! And I’m ruminating some exciting ideas of my own. I highly doubt the company I worked for will be interested in them, but, well, it’s worth a shot. And good practice, in any case. So, yeah! I hope you’ve all been well!

Anyway, let’s get right to it. A single paragraph of my life struggles was enough. ww

This is still a fairly small blog with less than 100 followers. And it will always be because of how niche it is. ww Not only that, but most of said (active) followers aren’t even friends of mine, but the aforementioned kind souls who, somehow, grace me with their presence here. That means that, for example, if I were to go on Twitter to talk about my projects for this blog (as I’ve done a couple of times in the past), only one or two of my friends would give a crap about it. And that’s assuming they see those specific tweets at all! Otherwise, the reactions I get are non-existent unless I’m specifically mentioning someone. And even that is far from being failproof. So, whenever I want to share my ideas with someone, develop them through conversation or brainstorm, there’s only one person I can rely on: my lovely girlfriend. She’s patient and super supportive of my work. Bless her soul. I’m so in love with her.

Anyway, thanks to how much I’ve ranted to her about SakuSamus, I’ve already typed down most of what needs to be said about why I think these two work so well together. I can also get away with mostly copying and pasting what I already told her over Skype and simply adjusting it a bit to make it more readable as a blog post and adding some extra details. ww So, let’s get to it!

Coming up with proper combinations for this blog can sometimes be a chore and require a lot of overthinking. However, as the wonderful @miyukiko​ would say, great ideas suddenly come to you sometimes. This had a bit of both. I'll try to skip the uninteresting bits of the creative process, but this is the important part.

Now that we've seen Sakuma in Ares and he's obviously won a lot of... prominence, if you may put it that way, it felt like a good time to take a closer look at him. Sakuma is a forward, and a pretty talented one, at that. When he becomes captain in the Ares timeline, though, his team comes to rely on him on a much deeper level too. Or so it seems, at least. To top it off, his descriptions in the original games say that he helps Kidou and acts as a strategist that coordinates the team. That’s pretty much the base we can build upon.

As a forward, he seems pretty thorough and tries to stay cool and calm, since that's the kind of soccer they play at Teikoku. And, from what we've seen in Ares, as a captain, he worries so much about his team's well-being and about being a good leader for them. You know, the usual "Am I fit to be captain?" thing that IE loves so much. ww

But there's a lot of bad stuff about Sakuma, too.

For one, despite his cool act, when he loses it, he loses it good. We all know how he reacted when he was part of Shin Teikoku and how extremely mad he would get with Kageyama, for example. Also, when he does lose it (and, arguably, even when he’s still somewhat sane), he's very self-destructive.

I think that's somehow linked to his fears: he simply doesn't want to be left alone. He panics when Kidou leaves Teikoku and, again, loses it completely. When his insanity reaches that kind of point, nothing else seems to matter, so he goes all out even if it can cost him his life. Or his legs, at least.

Related to that, and this is much more relevant in terms of sheer gameplay, he is extremely dependent of others.

He's supposed to be some super cool ace striker, but absolutely all of his shots are combo hissatsus no matter what timeline or age you’re looking at. Koutei Penguin 2gou and 3gou, Twin Boost, Death Zone, Deep Jungle... They all need 2-3 people, and, usually, Kidou's involved.

So, tough as it is to say, if Sakuma isn't by Kidou's side, he's subpar. And if he's all alone, he's basically worthless. And to add insult to injury:

He usually depends on people who aren't even forwards to score goals.

He is turned into a defender as an adult because, as I said, he's subpar as a forward if he's alone.

That makes Sakuma a very interesting case: in a universe that is all about the power you get from of your teammates, what he lacks is individuality. ...Especially when you consider that his only motivation to play soccer seems to be to play with Kidou. www

As he is, he's the absolute definition of support character. Pretty sad, if you ask me. (Oh. And many of his in-game hissatsus are very dirty and the referee complains more often than not about them. That counts too. ww)

So, here comes the difficult question: who can give Sakuma the strength, the individuality and, partially, the safety that he needs to be relevant without killing himself? After thinking about it for quite a long time, I felt like he could really use the power of Samus Aran.

(Not to go all BuzzFeed on you guys, but the answer would’ve surprised you if I hadn’t said it from the very beginning. ww)

On a technical level, Samus is strong af. Not only has she survived to and successfully finished every mission she's embarked on (as far as I’m aware), but she's pretty much exterminated full races, DESTROYED PLANETS and killed the same evil pterodactyl alien... thing that wants her dead like 11 times by now.

And what's more: she's done all of this completely alone. (Except maybe for Other M. I haven’t played that game yet, but it looked like there were more people, idk) All in all, she's a beast. But that's not all, of course. There are many heroes who go and do their thing alone. It could've easily been Lara Croft too, for example--at least in the original games.

Sakuma, as I said, seems to be driven by a will to be with Kidou and is very much dependent of other people. And when things go wrong and he loses it, he is... spiteful, to say the least. And I don’t know if you guys were aware of this, but Samus is 120% salt. I read a post about the hatred between Ridley and Samus that when Ridley was announced for Smash and all, but I sadly can’t find it right now. If any of you guys know that post, please let me know and I’ll add the link here because it was SO GOOD.

According to my limited knowledge on the Metroid Series, Samus fights three main things: metroids (you never saw that one coming, I'm sure), space pirates, and Ridley (who is the leader of the space pirates, but is not a space pirate because I, too, would listen to my Evil Pterodactyl Lord if he were to give me orders).

Long story short, the space pirates and Ridley killed Samus’s parents. She was adopted by people from a civilization called the Chozo, but the space pirates killed the Chozo too. And when Samus found a baby metroid that saw her as its mother, the space pirates and Ridley kidnapped the metroid and it eventually died because of them.

Samus doesn't fight for the greater good. Samus fights because she's fucking pissed.

But, unlike Sakuma, she uses that rage against the right people and in the right way: she is still salty as hell, but she stays cool, kicks ass, makes everyone go boom, and she's out. She does what Sakuma does, but better. Even when she's pissed. Oh, and she does things the way they should be done: with legal permission, without turning evil and stuff. And she's super respected and feared because of it, which is precisely what a captain and a forward should be like, respectively.

And the icing on the cake?

In IE3, when Sakuma has levelled up enough, he learns how to use Space Penguin. also, Samus has a visor thing that can replace Sakuma's patch and that sounded cool to me

Anyway, that would be the gist of it! As I said earlier, I’m not the biggest Metroid connoisseur in the world: I’ve only beaten Fusion and Zero Mission, and I’m currently playing Prime and Return of Samus. As such, excuse me if some other game I haven’t played debunks all I’ve said, but I haven’t found any traces of such a thing. ww

However, despite my few experiences with Metroid games, Samus is a character I love and have very fond memories of. This series represent what I love the most about the video game genre: that sense of continuous and hard-earned improvement that only comes from experiences that are constantly giving you new abilities (and even new looks) to reflect your progress. It’s similar to RPGs, a genre I love as well, but RPGs reward you more for personal progress and dedication, such as grinding for levels, and not (usually) so much for just pushing forward and defeating bosses.

Last (and least), for those who have made it this far, here’s a little something you might be interested in knowing: I’ve been inactive here, but I’m still constantly trying hard to come up with interesting ideas for miximaxes! And I think I have found some cool stuff for both Kidou and Shishido, so feel free to tell me on which of those you’d like me to work on next. They’re both very challenging to draw and fiddle with, but I’m always happy to shift my priorities in any way you guys want me to. ww

[ncurfman]

DJ: #47 Forty Year Old Wisdom

If you ever wonder, does life get better as you age? My answer is yes. If you chase after it. Even with some recent disappointments, I wouldn’t trade my life with anyone else. I’m grateful for the life I’ve lived, as I’ve lived it. The desire to “go back and fix” our past is useless. All we can do is embrace the movement forward. Willingly or unwillingly, life will move on.

For my small band of readers, I want to offer the little wisdom I have. And because wisdom is eternal, none of it is new or original. Still, what I have I give to you.

Jesus is real. The actual God of the Universe and beyond walked this earth, breathed our air, and burned under the same sun we do. He is our Light and our Exemplar, His love genuine and everlasting. And He is always available, ready to connect with us. 

Let your meat rest after you cook it. Can’t stress this enough. Regardless of animal or cut, let your meat rest for a minimum of five minutes, ideally ten, before you cut into it. For big roasts and whole chickens, more like fifteen to twenty minutes. 

Self-pity is not a virtue. With a truck-ton of experience to back me up on this, “feeling sorry for yourself” will accomplish zero in your life. I do not lack empathy for anyone, especially when life stacks up losses. The people I admire are the people who fight on and can laugh in the face of life’s bullshit. 

Similar to the last: Being a victim is not a choice, staying a victim is. Rain is going to fall on you. Relationships will collapse, hopes will burn to ruin, and shame will come calling. So what? You are not your failures. Do not allow your pain to define you or drag you into shame. 

Don’t let perfect defeat good. Perfect doesn’t exist. Don’t idealize jobs, institutions, leaders, people, or places. Once your stare hard enough you’ll see the cracks, and you’ll only have yourself to blame for having put the pedestal in place. 

You are not alone. Depression and anxiety whisper “you’re stuck and alone.” That’s bullshit. You are a human. And whatever problems you face, others have faced. They were not special. You are not the exception. You can defeat the dragon. 

Fight the dragon before it eats you. If you know you’re holding onto fear, or anger, or whatever, GO AFTER THAT SONOFABITCH! Don’t wait for your worries to run your life, because they will. 

If you don’t like you, no amount of love will be enough. My search for self-affection took a long time. I set the final pieces in place this year, and it’s fantastic. Compliments mean far less than they ever did. So wild how that works. 

Exercise. Everyday. A walk in nature is best. Not joking. Read this study, and this study, and this study. 

Chill out. You’re gonna be ok. Start by telling yourself, “I’m gonna be ok” over and over.

The Christian walk is about way more than avoiding sin and constant self improvement. Walking with Jesus is an honor of joy. Creating room for Jesus to be Jesus ultimately leads to everything good and satisfying in life. Cut yourself some slack, and breath when the weight feels heavy.

Pray. All the time. About Everything. Yes. Jesus is one-hundred percent interested in every detail of your life- your gassy lunch, that dude at work, politics, everything. Which leads to...

Be honest in prayer. If you’re feeling disconnected, pissed-off, happy, horny, sad, tired, sleepy, jacked, overwhelmed, busy, lazy, unappreciated, overstimulated, unworthy, peaceful, thankful...etc, start there. I can’t stress enough how much the Lord needs us to be honest when we pray, mostly for us. The Father does not want to hear what we think we should say. Talk about what’s real in your life. Once or twice a week I start with, “Lord, I’m feeling sorry for myself.” Within a few minutes I am no longer mired in self-pity.

Show up everyday to something buried in your heart to do. Your heart, my heart, and your mom’s heart have something in them we want to do. A longing. We ache and sour when that thing is ignored and belittled. Let your heart breath and grow.

Drink more water.

Eat more veggies. As American’s, we don’t do veggies really well. Also, we think corn is vegetable. It is not. If you need help, look to Asia or Europe for ideas. YouTube is a great resource to learn how to cook greens or eggplant or cauliflower.

Stop watching bullshit. Stop listening to bullshit. Stop reading bullshit. Whatever we put into our soul influences how we see the world and interpret life. I love Elliott Smith’s music, but it’s depressing AF. Dude had a rough life, so I can’t listen to it. 

You will always find a reason to do something...or not do that thing. This is from my dad, but it’s true. We humans will are quite amazing at finding ways to motivate or defeat ourselves. 

You will always encounter resistance when it comes to anything worth doing. Start a business? Get into a new relationship? Change careers? The promise of something good eventually gives way to the path of its realization, which is difficult for every worth while venture. KEEP GOING.

Laugh. A lot. At dumb things. Our 21st century worship of the intellect is a damn travesty. It sucks the joy and wonder from the world far too often. Let yourself find joy in the silly and unexpected. 

You can’t carry the world on your shoulders. I’ve tried. Many have tried. You are the rule, as we were. Let it go. 

When you need to know what side the gas tank is, look at the gas gauge. Every car has an arrow on the gas gauge, and that gas gauge points to the side of the gas cap, right or left. 

Butter, salt and pepper, and a touch of vinegar will make nearly anything taste better. Fat, acid, salt. I think that’s book. I’m not sure, but it’s basic Food Theory 101. 

Quit trying to be an expert. True expertise requires years of dedication and intent. If you haven’t spent years intentionally engaged in something, lower your expectations. Be kind to yourself.

Talent is real, but it means nothing without dedication and persistence. Success is about endurance and grit. Ever see someone doing something and think “I could do that.” The truth is you probably could, but do you have their endurance? 

Discounts are great, but not on the following items: Knives. Tattoos. Yeah....Seafood. Contractors.Mattresses.Lawyers.

Be disciplined, not controlled. Discipline is how we decided to respond to life. Control is how we try to get others to respond to life. 

Challenge the narrative in your head. When we get anxious or stressed, we usually only see two choices: the ideal we want or the certain disaster. I love to ask myself “What if that’s not true? What else is possible?”

Speak life and you will have it. Listen to your thoughts and the words you speak. Are you speaking life to yourself? To others? Cynicism is the shield of the afraid and downtrodden. Pick your head up. Speak life over yourself, and don’t stop till you position your heart toward heaven. 

Cultivate gratitude. Every single person has something to be grateful for. And most of us are lucky enough to have many blessings. Take time to recognize it in your life. Every, damn, day.

Judgment and comparison are thieves of life. If you find yourself in a position of constant judgment of others, or comparing your life to others...that’s your problem. It’s an act of self-protection. Take your ass on to Jesus and work through it. 

Lard makes a superior buttermilk biscuit. I’ve tried shortening and butter. But lard makes a far superior biscuit. 

Carbs are not evil, but too many carbs will make you fat. Enjoy your breads, potatoes, and rice noodles. Just make sure you eat your veggies and drink plenty of water. 

Wild animals are...wild...animals. You should expect a wild animal to act like a wild animal no matter how cute or tame they may appear. 

Procrastination is overhyped. I work better under the gun of a deadline. And I love the energy I get from knowing I’ve got to get a project finished. Besides, even if I’m not working on a project, I am thinking about it.  

Trust the Lord with your life. I amaze myself how often I tried to make something work, failed, and yet I’m ok. I’m where I need to be, headed toward the place I need to be. At 40, I trust the Lord.

Love the Lord with all you heart, all your soul, and all your mind. Be patient, kind, long-suffering, forward-moving, enduring, hoping, faithing, forgiving, gracious, persistent, and honest toward the Lord. I’ve walked with the Lord for 20 years. It’s a real relationship. And loving Jesus is the best decision I’ve ever made, and continue to make. 

Love your neighbors. Be patient, kind, long-suffering, forward-moving, enduring, hoping, faithing, forgiving, gracious, persistent, and honest toward your neighbors. Jesus never said it would be easy.

Love your enemies. Be patient, kind, long-suffering, forward-moving, enduring, hoping, faithing, forgiving, gracious, persistent, and honest toward your enemies. Only love can change an enemy into a friend. 

Love yourself. Be patient, kind, long-suffering, forward-moving, enduring, hoping, faithing, forgiving, gracious, persistent, and honest with yourself. If you don’t love you, you will not believe anyone else can love you. 

[ariadnie]

hi i havent posted on here in a LONG LONG time but i need to RANT af

so i really like this guy. like REALLY like. terribly so. and we had such great chemistry, and i had slept in his bed (nothing sexual happened, it was barely even cuddling). then i found out he had a gf, but they were literally on the verge of a break up. like he was gonna have a talk with her about where she saw the relationship going. but it was like 2.5 years of a relationship. anyway over thanksgiving break she broke up with him and he got sad but hid it pretty well. anyway he immediately pulled away from me, almost right after the break up. somehow post-break up i ended up in his bed again and this time we DID spoon and cuddle. and i kept getting mixed messages like when we’d hang, or get some flirty texts, etc etc. he also said that he was planning to break up with the long term gf anyway. 

ANYWAY (i keep using that word im sorry) he has completely pulled away and isn’t texting me much anymore, and i have another friend who likes him and when we all hang as a group he always sits near her and talks to her more and i think he likes her? she’s super nice and fun and outgoing, and im more introverted and weird and im just really sad

so i did a shit thing tonight where i pretended to lose my college ID, which would get me into my dorm room. me and my buddy colin said we searched the lounge, and colin went along with it, and my heavy-sleeping roommate didnt wake up at the boy’s knocks. anyway since we’ve slept in the same bed before i thought ryan might offer for me to stay in his room, but the problem is colin has an open bed in his room. BUT colin has a creepy roommate so i made it very obvious i was NOT comfy sleeping in there.

ryan did NOT budge, so i ended up pretending to sleep in colin’s room while ryan went back down to his dorm. though we’ve shared a bed non-sexually before i thought he’d offer but he didn’t which is a pretty clear rejection of any feelings imo. i thought maybe he was spooked bc after he pulled away after the break up, i kept trying to get him out & about to do things. my texts possibly came across as clingy or weird bc i asked him maybe every day to hang out. it wasn’t too weird to me, bc before thanksgiving we literally hung out every day often one on one

so all these mixed messages were driving me crazy but i guess tonight was a clear sign that he doesnt like me. the only problem is i think he’s really great and i want him to be happy, but i think we’d be a good match but whatever. i just feel really stupid for thinking a guy would like me. like this sent all my self-confidence back to zero, and i know i shouldnt base my self-worth on a guy, but it seemed like he really liked me until he got to know me better.

SO im gonna watch stuck in love to try and get more bitter about romance again so i can let go of these feelings. i just dont want to feel stupid anymore, i know someone out there will someday like me, i just thought that this could have worked. THAT’S MY RANT! it’s been a rough night folks

[wxldchxld]

10 random headcanons

what do they sleep in? pj’s, normal clothes, nothing?

It depends. I’ve pointed out that Beck travels with a minimal amount of clothing. In most verses that is comprised of a few shirts, two pairs of jeans, and a set of shifter’s robes. The robes are the softest of which… but they’re odd. They’re long sleeved but the ends of the sleeves, from the elbow down, are wrapped. It’s one long continual piece of cloth to wind around her forearm down into the crook of her hand, so that only her thumb and fingers are exposed. The pants are the same from the knee down, and there’s a cape that is affixed to one of the shoulders that can be removed but is a pain. As a consequence she only wears them when she’s very cold, usually under a normal shirt, using the cape as a pillow and then ducking under a blanket.

If she’s hot, she just starts taking off layers until she’s comfortable. 

When she’s staying in verses like the one with Ros, she probably just sleeps in her jeans or whatever until Ros undoubtedly finds out and harps on her for not having any actual clothes.

Beck would be super into pajama sets if they were practical. The flannel plaid kind in the winter or just those sets that say something stupid on the shirt and the pants have a matching pattern. Unfortunately looking cute isn’t worth lugging extra clothes around when you travel 24/7. Her most common sleeping outfit is whatever the fuck she was wearing that day.

how many blankets / pillows do they like to have on their bed?

Ummmmm normally that’s a grand total of zero as she doesn’t have a bed. Bunched up clothes are her go-to pillow. She does have a special blanket that has a temperature regulating charm on it. The blanket is rather large but she keeps it because if her dogs so much as stick a paw under it (and they usually cuddle on cold nights anyway), they’ll all be suitably warmed. Likewise in the summer, laying on top of the blanket will lower her temperature if it needs to be lowered. 

Cora wove the blanket and enchanted it herself and if it were to go missing or be damaged in any way she would but VERY distressed. It is made of blues and greys with little orange foxes and grey owls alternating in a pattern around the edge.

Again in domestic situations Beck most likely has a pillow. It probably takes some time to adjust to. She isn’t picky about how many, and for the first few weeks she can probably still be found with her jacket bunched up under her cheek. I feel like if she were in this situation for a long period of time she’d come to want LOTS of pillows to cuddle into because Beck likes to be snug.

do they have social media? do they like it or hate it? obsess over it?

Heeeeell nooooo. Beck doesn’t own a phone, a computer, or anything that she can be tracked by. In fact in more domestic scenarios Beck will actively protest having a phone for a very long time. If she ever breaks and decides to carry one, it will be used to call or text like one or two people, and frequently allowed to die/be left somewhere. Beck sure as fuck doesn’t put her name/face out there. She wouldn’t even be comfortable using a fake name for twitter. No. No to all of it.

what are their phobias? do they have any at all?

Being caged/locked up is one of her big ones. She can handle it for a short period of time, and then as hours and days go on she will become increasingly hostile and eventually violent. At this point she has generally reverted into one of her animal forms and is dangerous to interact with.

Needles is another big one. And it’s a lot less about the needle and more about she doesn’t trust anyone injecting anything into her or even taking anything out. In fact getting Beck to use any sort of traditional medicine at all, even a couple of cold pills, is an incredible pain. She will not give blood for charity or even medical testing. If you want to stick her, you’re gonna have to hold her down tight.

Tryhophobia too. For those of you unaware it is the fear of holes. Pictures of those flowers with the small clusters of holes and shit really gross her out and she’ll get really pissed really fast if she’s forced to look at them. I do not know why, I just know it bugs her.

do they like living alone or with another person / other people?

I think Beck, ideally, would like to live with one other person. She has no desire to live in a large communal family. She would be happy with one person, and having close family members not too far away, but also not up in her business. Unfortunately her insatiable desire to travel often overpowers her desire for company. Many of Beck’s relationships end because Beck just can’t stay in one place for very long. Her lovers/friends have to come to accept that they either go with her (which Beck would love) or they patiently await her return. She doesn’t think this is fair, and has broken up with multiple partners because of this.

The fox in her usually lets her be totally content on her own and she’s spent the majority of her adult years in scarce or fleeting company. Holidays are hard, as well as birthdays, but she doesn’t generally crave attention

where do they see themselves in 2 / 5 / 10 years?

Off in the wild, doing the same thing she’s doing now. Even in verses where she’s in one place, like the one with Ros, Beck doesn’t expect to stay there. I’m not saying that won’t change in time, but that is currently where she is in her life.

are they possessive over their things? or over other people? both?

Yes and no??? Beck has a few things that mean a lot to her. For instance Cora’s blanket and her father’s music box would be defended tooth and nail. She has a few other magical items that she doesn’t give up but that’s basically because she doesn’t want them in the wrong hands, it’s not a possession thing.

When it comes to people Beck is�� complicated. Beck doesn’t share lovers. She’s cool with them flirting with other people, because she does, because that’s just how she communicates, she is not cool with anything beyond that. She is much more likely to get her feelings hurt if her significant other is say, constantly hanging out with some other chick. She’s insecure in her relationships because a lot of them have fallen through and over all she just doesn’t have great luck staying with other human beings in lasting relationships (romantic or otherwise). So I don’t think that’s really jealousy.

She is possessive in the way that those are her people though. It takes a long time to get this level of loyalty from Beck, because Beck is NOT a self-sacrificing kinda gal, but she will protect what is hers to the death if it comes down to it. She’s also very emotionally protective of her people. Actually Beck has an almost compulsive need to protect most people emotionally. Beck constantly wants to comfort people, even strangers. She doesn’t like seeing anyone sad or scared or in pain, and she’ll go out of her way to stop this. (That was a major mókus moment, and had nothing to do with the prompt but whatever).

what do they never, ever want to speak of, ever?

Beck doesn’t like to talk about her abuse. Especially the abuse she suffered at the hands of her brother. But she does want to tell someone, she wants someone she can put that trust into, she wants someone in her life that understands. She is way too scared to do so unless her back is against the wall for fear that people won’t understand. Beck doesn’t demonize or even dislike her brother. She loves him deeply and worries for him and wishes every day they could go back to being childhood BFFs getting into shit and driving her Aunt B nuts… but they can’t. She knows that no matter how good things might be for a little while, Fen is a sick man and she has an inescapable wanderlust. Eventually if she went back, things would get bad again. But it hurts her. She doesn’t think anyone else would understand this, so she doesn’t say anything about it.

do they have a short temper? what’s most likely to set it off?

Not at all. You’re much more likely to upset her/make her cry than you are to piss her off. Luckily the former doesn’t happen that often either. I don’t think Beck has ever actually lost her temper on this account. I have one thread where she got pissed because she’d been locked up for days, but I count that more as a response to stress than really just getting pissed at someone.

Beck is nonviolent AF and her response to frustration is generally to just leave when someone is getting on her nerves. Occasionally she’s stuck in a situation where she can’t get away from people that get on her nerves/she doesn’t like. And she fox in her says that is her cue to make their lives absolutely miserable. Harry from our Foxy Ladies verse would fit into this perfectly. And Ros should thank god that Adam isn’t there anymore because Beck would have NO patience for him. But she’s not really... mad. Or losing her temper. She just thinks it is fair. They make her miserable and she can’t get away, so she’s going to annoy the piss out of them. Fair is fair.

do they take baths or showers? do they prefer one over the other?

Beck wants to know if getting rained on constitutes as a shower? She’s pretty sure it does. Because sometimes the weather man calls them showers.

Normally, in most verses, Beck will bathe in creeks or truck stops or those places hikers can stop for supplies and shit. It’s maybe like twice a week, sometimes less in the winter, sometimes more in the summer. 

If given the choice Beck likes baths. She dislikes things spraying in her face, and she doesn’t like the tiny holes that make up shower heads. They gross her out to look at. But she doesn’t like to soak too long. And daily bathing is something she has to readjust to in more domestic verses.

[gis-is-back]

Big 1

9/14 Did nothing for the most part, downton Abby for like several hours and then went shopping, bought some jeans which were 2 sizes down from my usual size so that was honestly a really pleasant surprise. Been struggling with my self esteem in terms of eating and weight these days. I think I've been binging and fasting so I need to find a healthy middle ground. 9/15 Went to a mandatory school meeting in which I learned just about zero about my program. Thennn hopped on a train with Danielle headed to Biarritz for the weekend! We ate hella chips and Oreos which I do not regret cuz that shit tasty. we got there and walked to the hostel which is ...ok but I'm never staying in a hostel again if I can afford not to. Then we walked around since Erika was off doing whatever. It was so beautiful and lucky since the forecast said it was going to be raining all day but it was super clear and beautiful at the beach. We basically watched the sunset from this amazing walkway and it was truly heavenly. Tried to burn it into my head as much as I could. Then we walked to a place Erika suggested for din but it was a bust then it got cold af and we just went to a place Danielle and I saw earlier. That was a good move tho cuz the moules frites were DELICIOUS and I got yUrNt off a mojito thing. Then we went to this "thing" erikas "friend" suggested which was imo a total waste of time and a total potentially dangerous situation because it was NOT fun and we had to walk like 2 miles home at midnight......... I was lowkey pissed but getting shamed for it but that's like the last time I agree to do something like that. I hate just going places for appearances like a snap story is not worth all the bullshit that caused. We finally got back to the hostel and I woke up to a mosquito in my ear. 9/16 Started out this morning with the hostel breakfast which was lowkey bomb af and I'm very much looking forward to it tomorrow. Then we caught the bus to the other bus pickup location and we started on our journey to San Sebastián in Spain. The ride was nice and then we got there and got to walking, it's a cute city and there's a lot to look at. Had some lowkey group beef but rule of three ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ate some damn good tapas and had sangria which was very fun. Walked and walked and walked and then ran out of places we wanted to walk to do we went to a cafe and sat and then two guys sat by us and we talked to them awkwardly for an hour and a half before FINALLY dipping to the bus. Got really really sad for a bit to the point where a couple tears rolled out. I was missing my family and other peopleeeee a lot like a lot a lot a lot and just wanted to go hoME. But calmed down since then fortunately. Been able to deal with my own stuff by myself without necessarily reaching out to others for help. I'm definitely growing. Got back and got some fruit for din since holy shite my stomach needs a break from big meals. Got back to the hostel and showered and ate the fruit and now I'm standing typing this below my bunk because once I finish writing this I'm not touching my phone for the rest of the night. I plan on reading P&P until I fall asleep so that's gonna be LIT.

[chelsorz07]

i’ve probably done these before but hey it’s 2017 now so fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? My dad and I get along fine. Mom not so much but I’m working on it. If you call ignoring the damage she’s done to my self-worth and how horrible I’ve treated everyone in my family and still barely speaking “working”.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? My Marshmallow kitty.

03: Do you regret anything? Not going to college.

04: Are you insecure? I have my bow down to the Queen Bitch™ days and my I’m a complete piece of shit please validate me days. Just depends.

05: What is your relationship status? Married.

06: How do you want to die? I’d prefer it to be quick. I figure I suffer enough in life, why have to endure it in death as well? Like I’m not afraid to die but I’m afraid to be aware that I’m dying.

07: What did you last eat? General Tso’s chicken.

08: Played any sports? Volleyball, cheerleading, softball, basketball (briefly), and bowling.

09: Do you bite your nails? I have a great many bad habits, but thankfully that’s not one of them.

10: When was your last physical fight? Never been in one.

11: Do you like someone? My husband and about 450 fictional characters and/or the actors who represent them.

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? Often. I’ve had insomnia for almost 15 years.

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? Um...the writers of Shameless for making Ian ditch Mickey at the border.

14: Do you miss someone? Yeah, I never imagined my marriage would be a long distance relationship. Oilfield wife probs. Plus I live four hours away from my family and friends and I have no one here except the people I work with and my cats so it gets pretty friggin’ lonely.

15: Have any pets? Four cats. Millie, Marshall, Selina, and Thomas.

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? Torn between annoying my neighbor with my excessively loud singing and taking a napsauce.

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? You know, I don’t think so.

18: Are you scared of spiders? Nope. But I’m terrified of bees.

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? If only to go to school when I got accepted.

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? Idk probably in my living room. I haven’t seen my husband in two and a half weeks.

21: What are your plans for this weekend? Well I just got home from work about an hour ago, and I think I’m gonna spend the rest of the night listening to music. Then Walking Dead tomorrow. I also have Monday and Tuesday off so hopefully I can muster up some energy to do laundry and clean my house.

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? That’s a sore subject right now because we’ve been trying and it’s just not happening, and it seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant. I only really want one but I’d be okay with two.

23: Do you have piercings? How many? I had my ears pierced but let them close because they were uneven. I’m thinking about getting them redone, plus my nose.

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? Concert band, percussion ensemble, English, creative writing, and novel exploration.

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? Not really. If they’re not in my present, there’s a reason for it.

26: What are you craving right now? I’m good actually. That chicken hit the spot.

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? Yeah. Idk if it’s good or bad that he’s my best friend now.

28: Have you ever been cheated on? Yep.

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? I’ve been told.

30: What’s irritating you right now? My perpetually itchy skin. And I can feel some heartburn coming on.

31: Does somebody love you? I hope at least a couple people do.

32: What is your favourite color? Dark green, orange, and grey.

33: Do you have trust issues? I used to, but I guess I’m at the point now where it’s like if you’re gonna screw me over, there’s nothing I can do about it so fuck you bye.

34: Who/what was your last dream about? I have no idea. I usually forget them by this late in the day.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? Well Dave’s the only person I even see, and definitely one of the only people I allow to see me cry. So probably him. And probably because I was in some sort of physical pain. Since I usually am.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? I guess I kinda do.

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? Forgive.

38: Is this year the best year of your life? If we actually move back to our hometown like we’ve been talking about, and I somehow manage to get pregnant before the end of the year, it will be.

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? Seventeen.

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? Nope. The only time I’m ever completely naked is in the shower.

51: Favourite food? Oh god. Chicken tenders, pizza, breakfast bagels, my aunt’s Christmas bread dip, and pretty much any kind of bread/cheese combination. Ooh and Bob Evans mac n cheese. Fuck I love food.

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Not necessarily.

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Cried about how much Mickey Milkovich loves Ian Gallagher, like I’ve done every night for the past month since I started watching Shameless.

54: Is cheating ever okay? No.

55: Are you mean? I mean kinda but most of the time I’m just fucking around with people.

56: How many people have you fist fought? Zero.

57: Do you believe in true love? True love? Idk. If I do, I’m still not sure that everybody only has one.

58: Favorite weather? Overcast but warm.

59: Do you like the snow? FUCKING NO IT IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE.

60: Do you wanna get married? I already am.

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? Annoying AF actually. But Dave just calls me Chelsorz so luckily I don’t have to put up with stupid pet names.

62: What makes you happy? Lots of things. My shows, even though they also make me very sad, my kitties, my man (most of the time), my friends, getting things on sale, music, makeup, when music and makeup are on sale, food, caffeine, cigarettes, happy pills, art, coloring books, pretty trees, seeing my niece and nephew when I haven’t in forever, hugs. I could go on for a while. 

63: Would you change your name? I would if I wasn’t so old. Kinda stuck with it now, hate it as I may.

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? I’m quite looking forward to it, in two and a half more weeks. Have I mentioned that being an oilfield wife sucks?

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? He’s blatantly told me that he’s still in love with me. We’re still best friends though. Nobody else has my back like he does, and he doesn’t deserve to have it as rough as he has because he’s an awesome guy.

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? I’m my complete self around everyone. Life’s too short not to be weird as fuck.

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? Customers at work.

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Probably Michael.

69: Do you believe in soulmates? I do. @amandavanhalen is my soulmate lol

70: Is there anyone you would die for? Several people.

source: @handcrafted-in-germany

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

Spiritual Log August 9 2019

I was very surprised at the responses to my Lion's Gate 8/8 post, thank you all so much. Sending you all 💖 right now, and maybe later too. Thank you, I hope it served you well. I rarely ever get any note on these posts so I don't know if any of my info transmissions help anybody at all, but lately I guess the messages get received by those most in need, so thank you for the responses. 😊 So anyways... This post is mostly what shifted for me a few hours ago while the portal was still at its peak. For those who haven't done so, no worries, though, the 8/8 lion's gate energies will be active until the 12th, so if you need to cleanse and heal your energetic bodies and systems, you can do more till that day, because the amplified energies can wash away more of the old and icky stuff than regular days. If you want to really do shifts, I suggest doing the clearings from Sunday to Monday, along with your strong intentions of attaining your best and highest vibration. I support you in your higher spiritual evolution goals! 😊

Warning:long post ahead. You have been warned. With 💓😅

OK, so I was gonna post this as soon as it happened but I just finished meditating the Magic Mantra (Ek Ong Kar Sat Gur Prasad) and I didn't wanna ruin the moment or my manifestations so I just treaded and went straight to Reiki healing and listening to subliminal stuff. (You can check out my previous post on July 6 if you're interested in what I am doing at the moment. Intense stuff 😅). The following are the events that lead to what happened this morning as I was using the remaining energies of 8/8.

For the past few days since the Lion's gate portal opened around July 26, I had the strong urge to meditate and clear as much energies from my body as possible. I wasn't watching any video or reading much posts, it was just intuition, so I forgot to post that Lion's gate portal was gonna start opening. Maybe next year I'll post a reminder too. *fingers crossed* The feelings started to flood in, the really intense, horrible pangs of my wounds, mostly the loneliness and abandonment and poverty mindset issues, they came in quite strong, but I just did whatever I can to face them, ask if they were mine and then transmute accordingly (spoiler alert: 50% of the time they weren't, so I just told them to go back to where they came from, with conviction. If they leave ASAP, they're not yours to begin with. Also, congratulations on learning you're an empath, my friend.😆). When I say transmute though, it just means letting them go, either through

Talking them out of your body (if the feelings are not that intense) or

Crying them out, loud and hard, and really feeling the feelings out (if they're persistent AF and apparently they were yours lol)

I wanted to cry them out but I couldn't (because I haven been repressing so much stuff) so I just tried meditating actively (I recommend kundalini yoga for this, the mantra and the limb actions can be a workout, like my arms get sore a lot after these sessions, so yeah, two birds with one stone 😄). I also kept reciting the Mul Mantra till the end of July, as well as listening to subliminals and doing Reiki (I listen to other people's Reiki videos, I channel the energy myself, or just do a combo by channeling Reiki as well as receiving some from other people. I may post something about that later *puts it in reminders along with a zillion stuff lol). I guess the combination of doing a lot of stuff helped me ground better and lets me become an observer to my feelings and emotions, because seriously I just can't deal with low vibes while I'm enjoying my alone time, which weirdly has been getting more and more frequent.

Not that I hate being alone though, but because each time I do fun stuff by myself, and right when I'm really having the fun settle in, a strong wave of loneliness rushes in, and that really makes zero sense. ZERO SENSE, RIGHT?? So either it was my deep wounds of loneliness, neglect, abandonment and rejection that were still lingering in my systems, or I was tuning in to someone else's stuff, albeit strongly. It became annoying AF when I was reviewing my Japanese language lessons and pretty much learning a lot of stuff, when images, visions, smells, sounds, stuff like that kept popping in my head, then the feelings of loneliness, sadness, those things. It was pretty distracting and annoying. It came to a point when I was tired 4 hours after waking up that I finally stood up for myself and said "Whoever *tf* is siphoning my energies, go back to where you came from and stay *tf* away from me!" That really shook me awake, the second I finished hollering it loudly in my head I woke up with a start. I literally became alert, awake, alive, enthusiastic, like wth just happened.

This morning though, around 2AM just when I was halfway through my lessons the strong feelings of despair, sadness, loneliness, and everything else in between came again. The whole thing was so intense, it was actually scary. And it wasn't fear-based too, like I was really trying hard to fend it off but apparently,

The feelings were almost all mine

The energies were tremendously strong

I had a strong urge to flush energies out

I felt I was gonna die if I didn't do it

I had to rush my lessons just to get to it right away. (Thank goodness I still know how to conjugate verbs, or else).

I immediately started meditating like crazy, with a strong intent to release everything that has been preventing me from being my best self. I tuned in, started chanting, and then started doing Reiki, then subliminals before dozing off. Honestly midway through chanting Ek Ong Kar Sat Gur Prasad I was already feeling calm and at ease, the feelings went from a scale of "If I don't do this I'm gonna die" to "Heck yeah I don't mind dying right now" I was around the "Meh" mark, which is not that bad. But really, the feeling of danger really was there, I don't know why, if it's a collective thing because of so many things that have been happening lately, or if I was tuning in to my own darkness and I really had to flush it out. It was a scary AF experience and the fact that it sorta went away was pretty mind-blowing. But I'm not saying I had fun here. Not that diving into spirituality is all fun anyway. The sucky stuff has to appear so these can be released back to Source.

So these were the summed-up experiences of my energy clearings and healings so far. Apart from intense dreams, having broken sleeping patterns, and weird eating habits, I guess this is how my spiritual journey is for me, at this point in time. Honestly I just wanted to go to Mount Fuji but apparently the spiritual gunk that I had to release was just as huge, maybe even higher. *siiiiigh*

Well, I guess this is my partial log for doing my clearings, I may be around the 60-day mark now, but I feel like I havn't done much since I did skip some days due to flu and other stuff. I will still do my best to clear out stuff, the Lion's gate portal may soon end but there are still equinoxes and solstices so there are still many energetic portals coming soon so might as well do the clearings and healings. I may update or I may post other stuff, because I still have some stuff to write here, especially the tough love info transmissions.

Thank you for reaching this part, I hope this post was worth your while. Sending you love and hugs from Source above.

Mikazuki

三日月🌙

P.S. If you have any questions with whatever I posted here, please send a message or comment below. 😊

P.S.S. I may start posting Reiki-infused photos in here, I was inspired to. But still thinking what photos though. Please let me know what you think. 😊 Thank you!