#the worst prisoner

[emletish-fish]

New chapter is up! Huge shout out to all you wonderful reviewers who've been leaving such lovely comments! Original readers, people commenting on their re-reads and new readers - those messages were awesome! Those comments kept me thinking about this fic and determined to finish it for you guys. So thanks for the encouragement ☺️

[solmesia]

sex is nice and all but have you considered just laying there... holding your vampire lover... and talking about the first time you broke your oath...........

[chalkrub]

more svanhildr - trying new things, like a brave boy

[starrynightsxo]

"I wasn't sure if I wanted you or if I wanted you gone from my sight so that I would stop feeling as I did, which made me even more unkind. But when you were gone—truly gone beneath the waves—I hated myself as I never have before"

- Cardan Greenbriar, The Wicked King

[izzystizzys]

“ - but have you ever considered, I don’t know, not sucking all the time? Just a thought.”

It takes the combined grips of Nuisance and Hound to keep the wriggling, snarling body beneath Fox from throwing him off its back. With three years’ practice of having to fix his own rickety desk chair over and over again, the movement merely ruffles the proverbial fringe on his helmet.

“And I don’t mean that as an insult, necessarily. Well, I do a little bit. But also I have some amount of empathy for the no doubt immense amounts of trauma that had to go into the creation of something so dysfunctional as you, on a very personal level, so have you considered going to the root of that in a way that’s like… useful? Instead of wasting it all on kriffing Kenobi, I mean. Look at the guy. All he does all day is drink tea and commit warcrimes. I bet he knits for fun. Bit of an embarrassing nemesis, don’t you think?”

“I”, says Kenobi, then pauses. The space between his eyebrows is creased with uncertainty, and he looks deeply torn between continuing rocking the shaking Duchess of Mandalore against his chest from his corner of the throne room and re-activating his lightsaber to continue losing his fight against the Darksider Fox is currently sitting on. “I feel like I should object to some part of that, but I’m not entirely clear on what. Or how this happened, again. Isn’t Mandalore a few star systems from your purview, Commander?”

“Probably the warcrimes”, mutters Nuisance underneath his strained breath.

“About as far from my supposed assignment as yours, General”, says Fox a little louder.

Kenobi twitches. Fox cannot claim to know which of them does it. Both, maybe. Probably.

“I will - taste - your - flesh!”, heaves out Darth Maul, snarling and hissing.

“Oooh, kinky!”, calls Grids, from the corner where she’s got her stun-setting aimed at the other Zabrak, currently passed out cold. Fox sighs deeply. He knew he shouldn’t have taken those three - any combination of Grids, Hound and Nuisance in a room together usually spelled chaos.

Unfortunately, it also spelled competence. The Basic alphabet can be funny that way.

The point being: as of some months into the war, one of Fox’s assigned tasks is the surveillance of all GAR-wide communication. All command-class staff theoretically got that memo, but no one seems to have read the fine print where that includes both professional and personal communication, as well as any and all comm devices registered or suspected to be registered to that person. Especially not one Anakin Skywalker and Padmé Amidala.

The point further being, if that sounds both immensely impractical and sort of terrifying in a democratic supposedly non-surveillance state, you’d be bang on the credits, and to Fox’ eternal chagrin the singular person in this whole useless army who’s spent the second of thinking necessary for that conclusion.

The final point being, when one frantic General’s mad dash across the Galaxy to rescue his teenage sweetheart from the spectre of his supposedly dead nemesis crosses his desk on its way to the Chancellor’s inbox, it doesn’t take much time for him to block any and all trace of it across the digital space of the GAR commboard and take matters into his own hands.

“ - which is why I told Thorn to suck it up and be in charge for a few days, and also why you’re still alive, your Highness, very welcome, was no trouble at all”, he concludes, drily. The Duchess stares the wide-eyed look of someone attempting to reconcile clones with ‘sentience’ or perhaps ‘personality’ in her head, but won’t say it outright.

Or the look of someone who’s just been violently overthrown and nearly murdered, perhaps, Fox allows.

“Um -“, Kenobi hedges, blinking rapidly.

“And the reason you’re still alive, probably. You’re welcome for that too, by the way”, Grids calls from the back of the throne room, cheekily.

“Alright”, says Kenobi, loudly. There’s color back in his deathly-pale cheeks, Fox notes, even if that color is a lot of red. It doesn’t fade very gracefully into his beard. “Opinions on whether or not I had everything under control notwithstanding -“

“You really didn’t”, Hound supplies helpfully.

“ - opinions notwithstanding, I am admittedly still lost on why you’re now sitting on Darth Maul and attempting to, to - jeer at him, Marshall Commander!”

“We’re not jeering, we’re trying to create a safe space and lay the groundwork for more open communication”, Fox says, primly.

Maul screams into the ground, attempting for the umpteenth time to rear up and visit great violence upon Fox, which admittedly has him rattling in his crosslegged seat atop his back.

Kenobi raises a perfectly plucked eyebrow. “Safe space?”

“He’s restrained and not stabbing anyone, I personally feel much safer than before”, Grids muses. “Watch the teeth though, Hound. Little biter.”

Indeed. Fox’s right greave will have to be replaced posthaste.

“And anyways, the point isn’t to jeer at him, it’s to make clear that he’s focusing his energy in the wrong places and could be doing much better things with his admittedly not-great life”, Fox adds, shifting to cast a pointed look down at Maul. The Sith is panting open-mouthed into the durasteel floor, sharp teeth gnashing wildly as his piercing yellow eyes shine with barely restrained rage. “I’m just saying - aim higher. You aren’t seeing the forest for the Kenobis, Maul. Can I call you Maul?”

“I will feed you your own entrails”, yowls Maul.

“See, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. Right now, I’m an easy target to focus all that built-up rage on, but is killing me really going to help you achieve any of your goals? No! Think about it - when it all comes down to it, who sent you on that mission to Naboo in the first place? Who made sure the Jedi and, by extension, Kenobi would be there to kill you? Who used you as a dejarik piece and then cast you aside the second you outlived your usefulness?”

Beneath him, Maul slowly stills in his struggle, still panting heavily. Hound and Nuisance don’t let it deter them in their vigilance, because they’re damn good vod’e and possess an ounce of common sense.

“And, look, I get it. I could spend the rest of my life punching every civilian who spits on me in the streets and it would even be satisfying. I could hit back the Senators who think of clones as easy targets. Or - I can aim my sights at who’s on top. And I think you know who I mean, because you know as well as I do the same damn man has ruined both our lives.”

Kenobi makes an alarmed noise, and Maul an interested one - not that Fox is going to let him walk out of this place awake. Still, he tilts his head in a way he hopes conveys his helmeted grin successfully to non-vod, as well as the bloodlust behind it. “You’re also welcome for the fact that the Chancellor won’t have heard of your spontaneous resurrection yet, by the way. You’ll retain your element of surprise instead of gambling it away on petty revenge on Kenobi.”

“He cut me in half!”

“He killed my master!”

Fox waves their protests away.

“Also, that’s treason!”, Kenobi adds, sputtering. Fox grins. Kenobi purses his lips, and continues. petulantly, “…do you have any proof?”

“So. Much. Proof”, says Nuisance, dreamily. “Like, do you want it alphabetically or by date?”

Which is when the Duchess, of all people, bursts out into barking, crazed laughter.

“You - you’ve certainly given yourself an edge in that fight, Marshall Commander”, she wheezes, brushing tears from her eyes. Fox raises his eyebrows at her, which she somehow seems to be able to tell, because she gestures at the clunky handle dangling from his belt.

“What, this old thing?” He unclasps the black rectangle from its hook, holding it up in the air. Maul stills strangely beneath him, and Kenobi goes ghostly pale again. Fox is starting to get a bad feeling.

“I took it off Viszla and beat him over the head with it. I figured he’d taken it off a Jedi cadet or something. What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

[stardust948]

WE'RE SO BACK!!!

guys i still can't believe emletish updated the worst prisoner zutara nation we are so back

[anotherfandomtrash]

I needed to get this out of my system

[cherry-cakee]

I had a nightmare that instead of prison of plastic releasing jello released a book called “Percy of Plastic” and all of the voice actors (including the narrator) was Percy and the cover looked like this

I also made a Howdy Morning one because I felt very cursed today

[qqueenofhades]

May I present the best headline I've seen today:

Look, the Fulton County people have already said they plan to give him the full works: fingerprinting, mugshot, perp walk, releasing height/weight, etc, all the usual criminal treatment that he's managed to avoid so far. So yeah, he's gonna fucking HATE it, and if I don't see the mugshot everywhere on everything and made into all the memes you can think of, the internet will have failed me.

[correct-hermitcraft-quotes]

Skizz: Yeah, we can hear you, dude! I hear every word you're saying, I just think you're wrong.

[maalidoesart]

free him

[emletish-fish]

YOU UPDATED THE WORST PRISONER????? OH THE SOUND I LET OUT WHEN I SAW THAT EMAIL!!! Ok off to read it now, I just had to come and yell (affectionately) on Tumblr. What a lovely surprise!!

Thank you! Thank you! I finally got a bit of time and the writing stars aligned 😄

[befuddled-calico-whump]

there were always other paths...

Vic got where he is today thanks to a series of choices. At any point, his life could've spun a different direction.

(description of each under the cut)

CIA (top left):

Despite being scouted for Black Kite as a teenager, this Vic never accepted his would-be mentor's offer, instead sticking with the CIA's recruiting program. Vic grew to be a top agent, and despite remaining a bit of a loner, he's kept satisfied by his accomplishments on the job. He's never been completely stripped of control in this timeline, and as a result has never seen a need to do the same to others, though he still enjoys power plays and getting the upper hand.

Hermit (top middle):

After the death of his mentor, this Vic chose to isolate himself instead of struggling to continue black ops work on his own. He took up residence in a remote cabin, and dedicated all his time to learning the land and building a home for himself from the ground up. He rarely has any interaction with other people, save for the handful of trips he makes to town every year for supplies. Vic prefers to bury painful memories in work and bushcraft studies over confronting them, and never plans on returning to society.

Rock Bottom (top right):

This Vic never met Tom Beck. After his mentor's death, he took any sketchy mercenary job he could get his hands on, and never stopped. The work he's been doing has taken a significant physical and mental toll on him, but he can't stop, and refuses to acknowledge he's punishing himself. He'll go days without eating or sleeping, and weeks without leaving his apartment if he's between jobs. Eventually it'll kill him. He just hopes it hurries up and gets it over with.

Prison (neg) (bottom left):

The wrong split second decision led to the arrest of both Vic and Sahota. It was almost immediately apparent who the more dangerous of the two was, with Vic attempting an escape as often as he could, leading to him being kept in solitary and heavily restrained the majority of the time. He's incredibly bitter and bloodthirsty here, feared by most of the other prisoners and despised by the guards (he's killed a few of them). He has nothing left to lose, and isn't out of fight yet, but it's only a matter of time.

Prison (pos) (bottom middle):

After leaving behind his seedy mercenary work for a job at Rotorworx, Vic struggled to settle into a "normal" job and routine. In this timeline, his cry for help wasn't ignored, and Tom Beck encouraged him to go to therapy. This helped Vic cope with his past, and also led to his voluntary confession and arrest. He's looking at a life sentence, but he doesn't mind as much as he thought he would.

Dead (bottom right):

Let's be real, Vic could've easily died a thousand different ways if things played out slightly different.

[royalarchivist]

QSMP: Therapy question: Any words for Mariana misclicking his child to death?

Foolish: OH! Wow, ok. I um... uh, yeah.

Mariana: Hey, hey! Why are you remembering that sht? Huh?! [In Spanish] What a sht question.

Foolish: Hey, hey– Listen, I don't know about you guys, but the day- the day um, a poor child got misclicked, I- I kinda thought it was a little funny! I dunno. Anyone else?

Mariana: [In Spanish] It's been a long time.

Ironmouse: Foolish thinks dead children are funny!

Foolish: No? Ok. Nope, that– shouldn't have spoke.

Quackity: I mean, it does. Well, it kinda is sometimes.

[casualavocados]

You look better this way. What way? Nothing. I couldn't get a hold of you for days. Did you work undercover in the school and help Zherui investigate?

KISEKI: DEAR TO ME Ep. 08

[sadisthetic]

jaya....? (sike. its skybound bad end au. in which jay fails miserably but “nya” never dies. can you imagine?)