#the worst part is i feel like i deserve it all

[captainpetebradshaw]

so i watched 2x22 "the wire" for the first time today and it was a near religious experience so you're getting my thoughts on it under the cut

I love how comfortable they've gotten with each other; talking books? disagreeing about books? garak asking if julian can't just use his status as a doctor to get them to skip the line?

"perfect health, huh??" julian is so offended by garak lying to him about his condition lol

"i'm a doctor, not a botanist" is this some kind of star trek tradition?

"why can't he just tell me what's going on?" "it sounds like you're taking this personally" "i suppose I am... It's just that garak and I have been having lunch together once a week for more than a year now" once a week?! for more than a year?!

and then julian angrily stabbing dax's plant in frustration. let it out.

unsure if quark called julian to come get the absolutely hammered garak from his bar because he's the doctor or because julian is literally the only social contact quark could think of for garak???

"i prefer to drink somewhere quiet" "quiet? excellent idea... we'll go to my quarters" "whatever you want. but first i must make a stop at the infirmary" guess garak wasn't drunk enough for that little trick

but he was drunk enough to not notice the bottle hand-off to quark

"make it stop, make it stop..." aww no, poor baby!

julian using his doctor credentials to basically break into garak's. guess they ended up in his quarters after all

"if i was ever tortured, [the implant] was designed to stimulate the pleasure centers of my brain to trigger the production of vast amounts of natural endorphins" i gotta say, that has some freaky fucked up potential for fanfics and i can't wait to see how often it has been appropriated in the last 30 years

"living on this station is torture for me, doctor. the temperature is always too cold. the lights are always too bright. every bajoran on the station looks at me with loathing and contempt" ah yes, the autism experience

"why don't you just shut the damn thing off?" julian, do they teach nothing about addiction in med school?

i had to rewind this scene a couple times because i was chanting "kiss! kiss! kiss!" in my living room and didn't listen to a word they said. the 4:3 aspect ratio is also doing its thing

"has it ever occured to you that i might be getting exactly what i deserve?" "no one deserves this" julian going from all that taunting and appealing to garak's pride to this???? unexpected softness incoming

garak telling this story about how he is responsible for so many people dying and julian just saying right now he's just concerned for his health and won't let him die??? "you need to turn that implant off and whatever withdrawal symptoms or side effects you may experience, i promise i'll help you through them" like this is insane. i assumed people shipped them for a reason (and lower decks made them "canon" for a reason) but i was LIVING watching this.

it also has to be said that andrew robinson is acting the ever living shit out of these scenes - fantastic

even odo can't get past protector mode chief medical officer doctor bashir

staying by his bedside? for hours???

shoulder touch denied!!!

it's wild, garak must be suffering so much in that moment but he's still spinning up some new potential backstory. maybe this time it's not a lie but we just don't know.

"and so they exiled you" "that's right! and left me to live out my days with nothing to look forward to but having lunch with you." "i'm sorry you feel that way. i thought you enjoyed my company." "oh i did! and that's the worst part. i can't belive that i actually enjoyed eating mediocre food and staring into your smug sanctimonious face. i hate this place and i hate you." "ok, garak." addicts do get just absolutely hateful so this sounds pretty spot on to me.

on a side note, i don't think i could have done lunch every week with julian. he is smug and he has a big ego and i relate to the other senior officers who were sometimes a little condescending in their reactions when he was boasting about something or other. but that's ok, i don't have to. garak enjoyed it, it seems.

garak: you still have to learn the truth julian: heart eyes motherfucker

"why are you telling me this, garak?" "so that you can forgive me. why else? i need to know that someone forgives me"

"i forgive you. for whatever it is you did" "thank you, doctor. that's most kind"

so julian goes and finds the guy who's kind of responsible for garak having that implant in the first place. it's also i think the first time julian acknowledges they are friends?

"how sick is garak?" "he's dying" "and you're trying to save him?" "that's right" "strange... i thought you were his friend?" "i suppose i am" "then you should let him die. after all, for garak, a life in exile is no life at all"

"thank you" "don't thank me. i'm not doing garak any favors. he doesn't deserve a quick death. on the contrary. i want him to live a long, miserable life. i want him to grow old on that station surrounded by people who hate him, knowing that he'll never come home again. "what a lovely sentiment" "and it's from the heart, i assure you" <- that made me laugh

we learn garak's first name!

he's well again! back to the regularly scheduled lunch date!

and he's got a new book recommendation for julian, how nice

"what i want to know out of all the stories you told me, which ones were true and which ones weren't" "my dear doctor, they were all true" "even the lies?"

"especially the lies"

smiley boys!

this ended up being more of a collection of my favorite quotes from the episode but that's fine with me. it's my post.

[furiousgoldfish]

We often can't help ourselves but to look at other people's experiences of abuse to see who has it worse, to put our own situation in some sort of context, to place ourselves in this big scale of how bad it was. We're used to comparing, because in abuse we are often compared to every fictional scenario of 'who has it worse', to make us shut up about our own situation, so if we have some real scenarios to compare ourselves to, we will. Even if we know it's bad to compare, that pain is pain, and all abuse is bad, we still wanna know where we are in this fictional scale of who had the most horrible abuse. The implication being, that only people who had it worst are allowed to complain about it and have symptoms.

And I think it's natural to a point, to want your experiences put into some sort of context, to be able to see how our experiences compare to others, and we're not necessarily doing it to make anyone else feel bad or shut anyone up. We don't believe in the hierarchy of 'who had it worse', we just want to know exactly where we are in the scale and to adjust our behaviour accordingly (we need to know our place in the hierarchy to know if we're allowed to complain and show symptoms.)

But the thing is, the consequences  and the symptoms won't necessarily reflect the hierarchy. The damage from the abuse will sometimes come from the intensity and the perceived amount of trauma in the situation, but it will also come from what the abuse communicated to us, and what it taught us. Because if we were exposed to abuse, any kind, it is likely we all got communicated the exact same thing to us: you're not worthy of acceptance and love. You're not inherently deserving of happiness and care. You've deserved to be hurt, it's normal and natural for others to hurt you. You're a burden on others. You're unlovable. You can only exist in specific conditions where you're being consistently punished for being who you are. You're weak. You're supposed to be handling everything better. You're incapable of living a normal life. You're too sensitive and too emotional. You're a failure and you won't ever be able to deserve anything.

Whether these messages are communicated via violence, neglect, shaming, guilt-tripping, manipulation, exploitation, the consequences are the same. A person feeling deep shame about who they are, feeling alienated from human society, scared of being seen for who they are, scared of trusting others, desperate for positive attention but either ashamed or completely oblivious to how to get it without inviting further abuse into their life. Most of us have these consequences in common, despite the intensity or duration of abuse; and it's equally devastating for all of us.

We're taught to look for differences and levels of intensity of abuse, but the reality is that the hierharchy and scale are not real in any tangible or comparable ways; we all have much more in common than we have different between us. We're all cut off from feeling loved or safe, we're all alienated and struggling to feel like a part of society, we're all betrayed by our loved ones, we're all insecure in our personal relationships and identity, we're all struggling to keep any kind of faith in humanity. The scale was inflicted on us in order to silence us from speaking up about it; it created this mythical person who had it so much worse and is allowed to complain, while we're not, because we didn't have it as bad. But all of us had something cut off form us, and all of us should say it. We don't need to alienate ourselves from each other based on variety of abuse because we can speak in unison about how it affected us.

There's nobody who's 'not being abused bad enough to be allowed to complain' because all abuse alienates us from ourselves and our humanity, and it's going to be more similar to what everyone else abused is going trough, than it is from being treated in a normal and humane way.

[miss-vanta-likes-to-write]

Price is playing spades and dominoes

Simon has on forces with red laces

What is Soap gonna end up doing?

😏 hmmm I know exactly what John "Soap" MacTavish is gonna end up doing.

Rating: Gen Audience

The black wife effect series

Another deployment was done and dusted. Kyle was itching to get home to visit his mom and siblings, especially since his whole family was going to be together. It all just happened to line up perfectly, a gift from the Gods themselves that his leave was lining up with his family's annual reunion. He was gonna be off for just two short weeks before they were being sent out again. Sometimes, he wondered if Kate had other task forces she could call on.

"Johnny, you sure you don't want to tag along for leave with us?" Simon asked, "My Lady actually enjoys having you around for some reason. She seems to think you don't eat enough."

"Nae, spending the tha two weeks off with my own wee lass." Soap puffs out his chest, "She's insistin ah meet tha kids and family."

John raises an eyebrow, "You're dating someone with kids...how long have you known her?"

Kyle is a bit interested in this conversation because he can't imagine Soap dating a woman with children. That type of dating required a different set of skills that he thought his friend didn't have. "How old are the kids?"

Soap shrugs his shoulders, "Her kids are like my age and I really think she's the one." He has a silly little smile on his face. "And we've been dating for the better part of like seven months."

Kyle is surprised that Soap hasnt really brought up the relationship, but he shakes his head and smiles. His friend really deserves someone nice, "As long as the kids like you and I'm sure she's a catch."

And just like that, the conversation is over, inconsequential.

Kyle has been home with his family for two days. His Mom and Aunts fuss over him, saying that the armed services aren't doing him well if he can't find time to date and have a life. They mumble about the new keloids on his arms and are just happy his face isn't scarred up. His sisters and cousins are happy to gossip with him, catching him up on the doings and scandals of the family. Apparently, his mom started dating again, at the behest of his aunt. Something about having an empty nest and needing to have fun. While his sisters were okay with it, the idea of another man being near his mom made him scrunch up his nose. Not because it bothered him, but because the idea of an outside male taking advantage of his mom makes him itch. He's seen the absolute worst humanity has to offer, and he worries about his mom. She's been by herself since his dad stepped out and hasn't entertained another man since.

"Have you met him?" He asks Trisha, his youngest sister.

"No, but he's in town from work. Mom is actually pretty excited. Apparently, they are gonna elope." Trisha says as she types away at her phone. "It's part of the reason ma insisted that we wait for you to get home this year and planned our reunion around this leave."

Kyle frowns even more and stands up from the couch. Immediately, he is looking for his mom, and he finds her in the kitchen. "You're eloping?" His eyes feel like they are going to pop out of his head from shock.

"Kyle, I'm allowed to get married, you know." She doesn't even look up from cleaning the copious amounts of chicken in the sink. "You should be happy for me."

He pinches the bridge of his nose, "Mom please...I beg. I'm not letting you marry some guy I haven't met...or ran through an extensive background check."

She drops the lemon into the bowl of chicken and turns to look at him, "My love, I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't treat me well. Besides your aunts like him and he has met one of your uncles."

"Should you even really be dating?" Kyle tries from a different angle.

"I've always dated, you and your sisters just never knew about it." She then goes back to her work. "Besides, he doesn't want any children out of wedlock and I can respect that."

"Mom!" Kyle feels sick

"My eggs aren't all dried up...and don't go telling anyone it's still early." She watches him out of the corner of her eye. "Also you gotta promise me to be on your best behavior when he and his family get here."

"So I have to meet this guy and his family and let you get married, and you're pregnant? No, it's not happening. In fact-" the sound of the doorbell chimes, and he hears Trisha from living room saying that he is here.

Kyle watches his mom wash her hands and dry them. She gives him a stern look before leaving to greet this man. She is grumbling something about him being over eager. Kyle is scowling as he follows the sound of laughter, but he stops when hears the booming laugh of Soap.

His body goes cold, ice almost. He's confused because that sounds like Soap in his front room. But cognitively, he knows that Soap is supposed to be visiting his girl. It feels like an out of body experience. Then the first thing he thinks is 'Fuck is he dating one of my sisters?'

He enters the living room and really you could buy him for free.

"Chuilein, mah folks won't be in town until tomorrow. But I wanted to stop by first so we could get it out tha way." And sure enough, it's Soap standing in his living room. His teammate, the guy he's seen run through women like it's an Olympic sport, is here surrounded by his aunts and cousins and sisters and uncles. His arm wrapped around his mother's waist.

"What the fuck is this!?" Kyle shouts in shock. "Wait what!?"

And Soap the cheeky bastard smiling, "Hey Gaz...so it's a long story."

"Absolutely not!" Kyle screeches.

And he thought the fade on Captain and the forces on Simon was bad.

a.n: I was cackling as I wrote this. Happy new years yall. Pray for Kyle and pray extra hard for Johnny.

[maxdibert]

What is your opinion on the marauders fandom "reclaiming" their fanon as canon? Basically doing it, because they dislike Jkr (reasonable) so they just create their own versions separate from hers?

It's a fucking bullshit as big as a house to say that your OCs are already created characters; it doesn't work like that. One thing is to think, based on canon, that Sirius probably liked bands like AC/DC, and another thing entirely is to create a character that has absolutely nothing to do (not even physically, because Sirius is the tallest and most masculine of the four) with the original character and slap his name on it because you have an overwhelming need for internet validation and don’t know how else to get it.

If I have to be honest and not hold back my opinion or spare the cruelty, I’d say that this type of fan is basically a bunch of kids (and some not-so-young people) with an unbearable need to sublimate a fantasy of popularity they’ve had all their lives because, essentially, they want to be the main characters in their own circles and probably don’t achieve much in real life. So, they’ve taken the main characters of a canon based on a group of high school friends, adapted them to look like themselves, and written fanfics that are basically self-inserts with canon names. Period. And the worst part is that if the real canon characters met these self-inserts from fanon, not only would they beat them up ten times worse than Severus Snape, but they’d also vomit in their faces—plain and simple.

I think they should create their own lore within the Harry Potter universe with original characters and stories, and stop messing around and distorting canon, because they’re not fighting against J.K. Rowling but against their feelings of inferiority in the real world. And I wouldn’t mind so much if, in the process, they didn’t engage in classist behavior, victim-blaming, or body-shaming, but since they’re idiots, maybe they deserve a bit of truth serum, please.

[jkftkth]

i really do wonder what a bts comeback will mean and does every member have a plan figured out for themselves.

fan accounts going awol when some members were exploring their artistic individuality and only now resurfacing because a group reunion is closer - it makes you think. was there ever even an artistic connection? or was it more about what has been sold to the audience over musical talents - an entertaining family dynamic/bond fans can project onto. fitted roles where a member is only likeable if they’re playing it just right.

2024 changed my feelings for good on where i think i belong, and there’s probably little that could happen for me to want to be part of bts’ fandom again.

firstly, there’s only so far you can go being a fan of tae and having to witness on a daily basis the level of disrespect he faces from both company and fandom no one else has. when you see quite literally the worst of the worst, day after day, but it’s only a limited amount of fans who voice concern and make actual space for the exclusive severity of it all to be acknowledged and discussed and questioned…you either stay and pretend it’s not happening/it’s not “the actual worst” because it’s impossible to satisfy every fan, orrrrr—

i mean, everything until up to now has been with the intent of a) making us fall for the brainwashing so we stop advocating for him as an individual, or b) exhaust us into quitting being his fan so his label can turn around and say to him hey look—why did you think you could make it when no one likes you?

and i obviously believe other members are a victim in their own way too. because you would have to be living under a rock to not see that hybe does not respect its idols as workers, as money makers, and as humans. neither does it protect most of them, the actual opposite for specifically taegikook and so a fan of the group or not, anyone would naturally want better for hybes idols across the board because they deserve better than staff badmouthing them in official reports and on online platforms.

of course there are other reasons i’ve had enough, such as contractual fan service being pushed so much whilst at the same time fandom reactions being intensely watched and made note of to the extent labels are out here monitoring fanfiction and assigning tropes to members and not caring what type of delusion and hate that cultivates??! to the group motto of “us is always before me” being celebrated, to fandom not actually caring about idols’ rights, to fandom falling for a dirty pr firm’s media manipulation/fabrication so easily, to hybe basically being in all fandom spaces with their dumb ass bots to sway opinion, to i mean the list goes on.

i don’t think i’d call myself bitter, or a hater, or a “solo.”once they return i’ll feel relief for all of them that that chapter of their life is over and they came out safe and sound (🙏), but i confess i have little excitement for a group album because group songs mean one thing for fans of tae and group arrangements always do the opposite of wanting him to shine and group entertainment is hard to enjoy when you know there’s a script running more often than not at his expense.

a tour? well i know there’s sincerity in how important performing is, and it’ll probably mean a lot after 18 months of being forced away from that, so it will be nice to see them doing what they find enjoyable yes. do i look forward to the exerting schedules for the sake of making up for hybes financial losses? do i look forward to the billionaire continuing to rip them off while he carries on riding their success as his own?

i know there are contracts. i know idols’ rights are a topic of concern and few are willing to talk about it and make a change. i know their industry can get really manipulative really fast as soon as they step out of line and that can lead to a really dark reality. i know there’s always a bad guy in the story. i know the group is still important and loved by tae (and jk), i know he wants to think the best of the group’s fandom because he is still a group member, i know i’ll support him wherever he goes but like

it’s just hard to forget the least three years and stay unaffected.

[smugblueenby69]

“How terrible am I that the only love I receive is given idolically from the worst of humanity. I cannot even be loved by my parents, who genocided our planet’s children, who drove themselves insane to bring me here. If I can only be loved by the worst man I have ever met, then I must ve worse even than him”

Something like that I think

And even more so, she views Gideon as the best the universe ever provided. The best of humanity. Her planet’s first and only flower. And she thinks Gideon does not and could never love her.

“The only light in this world hates me, sees me only as a monster, truly I must be”

I read somewhere, and I wish desperately I could find it again, that Gideon and Harrow act so awfully to each other, and have put themselves into the roles of “hero and villian” as a coping mechanism, and that they did it mutually, on purpose.

That Harrow needs to be the villian who has to constantly provoke and fight and cage Gideon in order to survive.

And Gideon, mutually has to play the hero, who has to constantly fight and thwart and escape meaninglessly from Harrow in order to survive.

I think about this often. And I feel like it’s relevant here cause Harrow, from a young, young age, has viewed herself in these negative lights, all from various angles, that she lent into it more and more and more. It both fucked her up, but it gave her something to do, something to fit, something that kept her going, something to fuel the fire that was very constantly embers.

Like as much as I adore childhood friends AUs and such, Harrow truly would not be able to view herself positively enough to be friends with Gideon, like ever. It would be like a reward to her, a gift, a kindness, and Harrowhark Nonagesimus is undeserving of all of that (she deserves everything actually, and more, but I digress)

Also, Crux HATES Gideon, so that’s part of it too. Although ig Crux is also the worst because of his hatred and treatment of Gideon so its circular in how it works lmao

I also think Crux was aware of what the Reverend parents did, the 200, and was still abusive to Gideon cause truly just evil. I mean he legit murdered Gideon multiple times, who knows how fuckin many.

Yeah, evil murderous, xenophobic, shitty fuckin Nanny, absolutely loves Harrow, thats bound to fuck her up

You know harrow might actually believe that crux is the only one who ever truly loved her. And imagine what that would do to you. Believing that the only one with the capacity to love you as you are is marshall fucking crux.

[arttsuka]

Based on somewhat real events

I spent way too much time drawing this...

But yeah, Ford finally saying thank you

A continuation (kinda)

[big-tiddy-goth-ghoulfriend]

I wish more people understood that bodyshaming is wrong even when it's against someone you don't like.

EVEN WHEN IT'S SOMEONE OBJECTIVELY SHITTY.

Every single one of my friends is left-leaning and tries to educate themselves and just generally not be bigoted pieces of shit. But every single one of them will still resort to "fat" and "ugly" as go-to insults as soon as it's someone we all agree sucks. As if they were all waiting and holding back because The Fat Friend is here but now that we all agree [insert person of discussion here] is a bad person then it must be fine right? We're not hurting GOOD people's feelings.

Those celebrities you talk shit about will never see it. Trump won't know or care that you called him a fat orange fuck on twitter. Lizzo won't care that you only started insulting her weight once it was revealed that she abused her backup dancers. But we will. And then you'll be another person that we have to accept doesn't actually love us because of who we are but in spite of it. We'll know that you still associate attractiveness and thinness with goodness so you won't love us as much as you could as long as we don't fit those ideals. That as soon as we fuck up and upset you in some way, it's gonna be thrown in our faces because it's always lingering just under the surface when you look at us. That you're only ignoring respecting who we are as long as we 'behave'.

And you won't even know the damage you've done with your off-handed comment. Every single fat person I know has vivid memories of someone we care about saying fatphobic shit about someone else and realizing that said person's entire worldview is colored by their hatred of fat people. For y'all it's just Tuesday.

[unordinary-diary]

Blyke and John: Parallel Characters

I’ve written multiple entries about this,

[x] [x] [x]

But I’m back to make a comprehensive analysis about the glaring similarities between these two. I’ll try not to repeat myself here.

‼️SPOILER WARNING for the whole series‼️ but this mostly focuses on the story before John’s suspension.

Firstly, this scene:

ch. 121

This conversation takes place near the beginning of the Joker arc. It’s after John targets Zeke, after he targets Juni, and the day before he goes after Seraphina’s kidnappers. The timing is important.

“If someone hit your best friend, would you let it slide?”

That question is supposed to remind us what John does to people who hurt Seraphina: hunting them down and sending them to the hospital. Blyke shooting a destructive beam really close to John was an example of a trait they share: they both blow up violently when people mistreat their friends.

John’s downward spiral carries strong themes of hypocrisy. He’s angry at the world, he’s angry at himself, and as a coping mechanism, he chooses to believe that everyone else is as bad as he is. That means that most of the traits he hates others for are the same things he hates about himself. In this scene, Blyke is unintentionally calling out this hypocrisy: “What I did is no different from what you do”.

But Blyke’s just trying to connect with John here, he has no idea what John’s been doing. And John, of course, doesn’t give a shit about what Blyke has to say. This line was here for the audience to notice.

They’re both so similar, but their similarity immediately causes tension between them because, well, John was on the wrong end of Blyke’s protectiveness.

I really love the way this was written— there are so many flashbacks to this scene, but they remember it differently. John remembers the part that hurt him— he’d describe it as “the time that jackass shot a beam at me”. Blyke remembers the part that hurt him, or rather, hurt Remi: “the time that jackass hit Remi for no reason”.

Blyke and John are both hotheaded characters with strong ideals. They’re similar enough that Seraphina points it out:

(ch. 80)

As Blyke grows as a character, he becomes more like John: sticking up for low tiers and speaking out against the injustice in the world. But while Blyke is doing that more, John is going in the opposite direction, until they are fully opposed to each other.

Speaking of Blyke’s character arc, it took me a few rereads to actually understand what part of him changed. His kindness, selflessness, bravery— all of those things were there from the start. Blyke’s character arc was about becoming more aware of his surroundings, and how his carelessness can harm others. Blyke was never malicious, but after X-Rei and integrating more with the school, he becomes aware of people suffering around him and how he unintentionally contributes to it. He becomes less reckless, privy to the flaws in the system he grew up not questioning, and uses his power more responsibly. He even comes up with a more controlled way to wield his ability. The part of Blyke that changes is his maturity.

Part of John’s character arc is also about being careful. It’s not as close of a parallel as other things are, but one of the things that John works on during his redemption arc is holding back. Both of them learn self-control throughout the series, and for John, that means acting early before his emotions spiral out of hand.

Adding onto my first point about the two of them wanting to protect their friends— the fact that they can’t do that makes them both angry and desperate. For most of the story, the “block” that prevents John from protecting Seraphina is in his head. It’s his own trauma that holds him back. The block that prevents Blyke from protecting his friends is, guess what? Also John’s trauma! Parallels abound.

Another thing I noticed in Episode 80 is this:

Notice that when Seraphina says “I’d take that over strength any day,” John is looking at the camera. He’s avoiding Sera’s gaze. Seraphina is saying she prefers honesty over strength. John is very strong, and very dishonest, but Seraphina thinks the opposite because John is so dishonest. John appears to be reflecting on this disconnect.

In relation to this analysis, Seraphina is actually pointing out a major difference between Blyke and John. Beyond that, she’s praising Blyke’s traits, (less strong but very open) above John’s traits, (strong as fuck but a liar with his pants on fire). Furthermore, John really cares what Seraphina thinks of him. Knowing that she would think less of him is the main reason why he spent so much time and effort preventing her from catching his lies.

This leads into my main point here: Blyke is the “goody-two-shoes” version of John. Or, more accurately, the person that John wants to be. Blyke has a clean track record and doesn’t really get into trouble. He is respected and left alone by the school without being hated and feared, he de-escalates conflicts without taking things too far, he doesn’t lose control, he’s someone Seraphina thinks highly of, hell, even his grades are better! Blyke represents everything that John wants to be, and the person that he could have been if he’d gone down a different path.

But, crucially, John is also what Blyke wants to be. Well, not wholly, but his ability? His strength? It’s one of the things John hates about himself, but Blyke wants that strength so desperately that he risks his life for it over and over again.

They’re both desperate to be like each other, even when they hate each other the most. Neither of them have any idea how alike they already are.

I don’t know what Season 3 holds in store for us, but I do hope that John realizes that Blyke embodies who he wants to be, because mutual jealousy would be a very interesting dynamic to explore in my opinion. I also hope that it ends up being something they can bond over, by helping each other accomplish their personal goals. (Blyke being another helper in John’s character arc, and John helping Blyke train.)

A side note: John beat up Blyke four separate times. That’s more than any other character, which is interesting because John’s main rival is supposed to be Arlo. For reference, John has beaten Arlo twice, three times if you count the time when Seraphina intervened, and he only beat him unconscious once. But John beat Blyke to the point of passing out all four times, the worst of which being a shot clean through his chest. (shoulder? Unclear. S1 finale).

It’s odd, isn’t it? Out of everyone, Blyke is the one who John physically hurt the most. John’s only grudge against him is an old memory from episode 33, of an event that didn’t actually harm him. John’s grudge against Arlo is much more serious and again— that’s his main rival. So why is it that he’s so much more violent towards Blyke?

The problem here is that I’ve been thinking about these fights as “John picking on Blyke”. And that’s… kind of true? But while Blyke didn’t start any of these fights, they were all consensual in a way. He didn’t seek to fight John, nor was he ever happy about fighting John, but he was always a willing participant.

(138, 153, 206, & 211)

In three out of these four fights, John didn’t even expect to be fighting Blyke going into it. This is significant because while Arlo is John’s main rival, John absolutely fills that role for Blyke. Blyke’s own agency is what leads to most of these events. The reason, narratively speaking, why they fight so much is not for John’s character, but for Blyke.

For John, his reason for fighting Blyke so much is not narrative but moreso symbolic. John is angry at everyone and everything, but ultimately the person he hates the most is himself. It’s only fitting that the character most like him would bear the brunt of his wrath.

As John is having his positive character arc (suspension and post-suspension), he is becoming more like Blyke, and the two of them reach a point where they’re even more similar than they were at the start of the series.

In the Rowden amusement park, John does start to realize how similar they are:

(249)

Additionally, I want to draw your attention to the parallels between this scene:

Blyke and John’s argument in chapter 249

(which the image limit won’t let me add, scroll until you see red hair.)

And this scene:

Argument in ch. 121 (it’s at the beginning)

Two sides of the same coin.

Furthermore, in the S2 finale, Blyke is shown being taken to Keon. There is an implication that by Season 3, Blyke and John will share Keon-related trauma as well. Despite my pessimistic predictions, I do hope that this is a similarity that can bring them together rather than tear them apart.

[brummiereader]

@mischievouslittlecreature I love a jealous Tommy 😍!

I honestly wana bash their heads together sometimes 🤦🏼‍♀️. They're both constantly worrying almost the same exact things about the other. Whether the other will leave them, if the other deserves someone else, that they're too much of a headache for the other...arghhh 😭! Their characteristics and insecurities are so intertwined that I swear they're the same person 😂.

Ada pressed her red-painted lips together, trying–and failing–to suppress a smile. “That little crush he has on her is quite sweet.” oh Ada, don't you know your brother. This was possibly the worst thing you could have said to him 🤦🏼‍♀️. Or perhaps it was on purpose? Siblings trying to annoy one another 🤭? I was not shocked by his reaction, and the sudden spiralling he left himself quickly fall into. Like I said, he may be better at hiding it than Lucy, but this man had major fears when it comes to the mere idea of losing Lucy to someone else.

"I let him go yesterday.” ahh yes, classic Tommy 👌🏼. Instead of talking about the issue that's bothering him, get rid of It entirely instead. I think the way Lucy reacted is the first time I've ever seen her properly snap at him 🤔. He deserved it though. He completely blindsided her with this move!

“Adam doesn’t have a crush on me.” ok so, Tommy was oblivious to Adams crush and so was Lucy 🤦🏼‍♀️😂. These two really are in their own little bubble! We've already seen how they are in a room full of people. They can't keep their eyes and thoughts off each other. So actually, their mutual obliviousness doesn't surprise me!

She gaped at him. “Do I need to remind you that your wife was working as your secretary when you impregnated her?” 💅🏼, well she's not, not right, Tommy.

“Yeah, well, I’m not doing shit that’s leading him on either.” Another justified blow and reality check he needed to hear.

"And I am. I am yours.” Her lips trembled and she pressed them tightly together, tilting her head ever so slightly. “But you’re not mine.” ahhh, this was such a good line but so heartbreaking to read 😭. If Lizzie was a half decent person in this AU she would have refused this arrangement. She knows how much these two love each other, and how much heartbreak this would cause everyone involved. But alas, she's not 😤.

I gotta admit, I was a little scared when Adam suddenly appeared. I thought Tommy would come barging through at any minute 😳. But what I didn't except was how respectful and understanding he was. What a sweetheart 🥰. Of course he picked up on the loving glances Tommy gives Lucy. Everyone else may have blinkers on when it comes to their relationship, but sweet Adam clearly knows love when he sees it ❤️.

Tommy was seated on the crimson colored velvet couch. His suit jacket off and tossed haphazardly over the back of a chair, head in his hands and an over half drunk bottle of whiskey on the table in front of him. Drowning in his sorrows 🙄😂. He's like a cat that's been left out in the rain 🤭. I'm relieved he gave Adam back his job and they managed to move past Tommy's jealous little hiccup. But I feel like this little scare may have only increased his protectiveness over her 😅.

He shook his head despite blushing against her hands. “‘M big scary gangster.”-“Mm, yeah, I know.” She chuckled when he draped his arms around her lazily and snuggled into her neck. “The most fearsome of them all.”- “Damn right.” I love his drunken rambling 😂. It was such a cute and endearing way to end this angsty chapter.

Slowly making my way through all the parts I've missed, hopefully I'll be caught up with everything soon 🤞🏼! Loved seeing jealous Tommy, please bring him out to to play again sometime soon 🤭.

Part 25: My Darling One

Summary: Tommy overreacts when he learns of the crush his secretary has on his lover.

Word Count: 6,808

Warnings: Jealousy, Tommy being a bit of an asshole, sexual content, and references to polyamory.

Notes: Tommy and Lucy are in an established relationship. Tommy is married to Lizzie, but is having an affair with Lucy--though Lizzie is aware of it and has somewhat begrudgingly allowed their relationship to continue. This takes place between seasons 4 and 5.

Previous Part • Series • Next Part

“I met your secretary while I was waiting,” Ada told Tommy as they sat at his desk in his office in the House of Commons. “He seems nice.”

“Yeah, he’s a good kid.” It had taken ages for them to find someone that fit all their requirements in a secretary. Adam was smart and competent, but also understood the importance of discretion. He was more than willing to look the other way when it came to some of their more shadowy dealings. “He’s settling in well.”

“Lucy’s training him?”

“Of course. Who else?”

Ada pressed her red-painted lips together, trying–and failing–to suppress a smile. “That little crush he has on her is quite sweet.”

Tommy went stock still, pen freezing where it was poised over a paper. “His what?”

Ada looked up at him sharply, the change in his tone triggering her smile to fall. “You don’t know? He’s so obvious about it.”

“He’s not…” but his mind was working back, reexamining. Remembering the way that Adam sometimes looked at Lucy, the puppy-like way he followed her around during his first week. How sometimes Tommy would come out of his office into the space where Lucy and Adam’s desks were located to find them giggling together over something. 

“Look, I’m sure it’s not a big deal,” Ada had returned her attention to the papers in her lap. “Just a puppy love kind of thing. And it isn’t like she’s interested, so…” she shrugged, looking up at him with a playful glint in her eye, “put the razors away, alright Tom?”

“Hmph,” he grunted, even as he leaned back slightly in his chair, knuckles raising to rest against his lips, eyes glued to the double doors that led out into Lucy and Adam’s office. 

The idea of Adam sitting right out there, flirting and laughing with Lucy, made his blood boil. 

Jealousy was not something he often had to deal with in regards to Lucy. Nearly everyone in Small Heath knew she was off limits and kept their eyes to themselves; lest they risk losing them. Not to mention that Lucy never showed any interest in any men outside of him. 

His lips pursed against his knuckles, jaw clenching as he remembered how Lucy had smiled at Adam that morning when he came in. 

That’s just Lucy. She’s warm and friendly towards everyone.

But the doubt had taken root in his head and was already starting to grow. 

Dropping his hand, he sighed, trying to force himself to focus on what he and Ada were supposed to be working on, but finding it increasingly difficult to pull his mind away from turning over each and every encounter he’d witnessed between Lucy and Adam. 

Yes; Ada was right. The kid definitely had a crush on her. But how did Lucy feel about him?

Why don’t you just ask her, you fucking dolt?

But he was suddenly frozen with fear at what her answer might be. 

He was aware of how hard he was to be with. It wouldn’t surprise him if she got tired of his constant moodiness and brooding. He wasn’t exactly a fun person to be around. Lucy could do a thousand times better. It continued to amaze him that she hadn’t up and left him already for someone who actually deserved her. 

And for someone who isn’t married to someone else, he thought miserably, thumb running across the surface of the gold wedding band on his left hand. A shackle that kept him tied to another woman who wasn’t the love of his life. 

Things with Lizzie had been touch and go. She knew about them, and while she allowed them to continue their relationship so long as they were subtle and kept things behind closed doors, she had made her discontentment about it known on several occasions. 

Her mood swings were getting almost as bad as his own. Poor Lucy, having to put up with both of them and their bullshit all the bloody time.

Though he had never taken out his anger or frustrations on Lucy. The same couldn’t be said for Lizzie. Often, it was Lucy who wound up being used as the punching bag for her ire. On a few occasions he’d had to step in to try to shield his lover from his wife’s jealous ragings.

It wasn’t all bad, of course. Sometimes Lizzie was warm and friendly. But her feelings and behaviors towards Lucy swung back and forth like a pendulum, and often they found themselves walking on eggshells around her for fear that saying or doing the wrong thing might set her off. 

With an arrangement like that, it would be no wonder if Lucy started looking for someone else who could offer her a full life. Not one relegated to moments of affection displayed only in shadowy corners or dark rooms. One where she could be loved openly.

The right thing to do would be to let her go. Let her be happy. He loved her so much; that was all he really wanted for her. But the idea of losing Lucy to someone else made him feel sick. Some other man touching her, kissing her, making love to her…

His heart twisted painfully in his chest. 

You fucking hypocrite. Sitting there agonizing over the simple thought of her doing all those things that you do with your wife. How do you think she feels when she has to see you with Lizzie?

He swallowed miserably, fumbling in the case on his desk for a cigarette. But the smoke that he inhaled did nothing to drown out the misery swirling inside him.

∗ ∗ ∗                                          

“Do you know where Adam is? He’s over an hour late,” Lucy asked when she came in to drop off some mail on Tommy’s desk, glancing around as if the secretary would materialize somewhere in the room. When she looked back at Tommy where he was seated in his big chair, he was shifting uncomfortably, not entirely meeting her gaze. 

“I let him go yesterday.”

“You what?” She whirled to stare at him, taken aback. “Why?”

He shrugged, fiddling with his silver cigarette case, popping it open and plucking one out, swiping it across his lips. “It just wasn’t a right fit.” 

“What does that mean?” Her hands landed on her lips, looking at him in confusion. She thought he’d liked Adam. 

“It means that you’re going to need to find me a new secretary.”

Lucy’s eyes widened at the curt tone. He almost never got snappish with her, and the near accusatory glance he shot her only left her even more confused and annoyed. 

“You do realize how long it took me to find someone who fit all of our requirements, right?”

“Better get started on collecting applications then, shouldn’t you?”

“What the fuck is your problem?” Her arms crossed over her chest, annoyance sharpening. “You really aren’t going to even tell me what he did that was so wrong you just had to fire him without even talking to me about it?”

“Wasn’t aware that I needed your permission.”

“Of course you don’t! But it would be common courtesy considering I’m the one who will have to pick up all the additional work without him here.”

“I’ll help you with it.”

She snorted. “Yeah, because you’ve got so much free time these days.”

“What��”

Turning on her heel, she stomped towards the double doors. “You’re having lunch with one of the MPs from Southampton. I’m going to go have tea with Ada.” 

“I need you to take notes–”

“Take your own bloody notes!” 

His jaw dropped open at her barking back at him, and she saw his temper flare briefly behind his eyes. 

“What? You going to fire me now too?” she challenged. He had enough self awareness to look at least a little sheepish at that. 

“Luce–”

“I don’t wanna hear it right now,” she wrenched the door open and let it bang closed behind her with perhaps a little more force than necessary.  

∗ ∗ ∗  

“--Can you believe that!?” She stopped aggressively stirring sugar into her tea, tapping the little silver spoon twice against the rim of the teacup before setting it aside and bringing the cup to her lips, blowing on it once before taking a sip. Her eyes finally raised to Ada’s, where she had been sitting very quietly while Lucy raved to her about how thick headed her brother could be. “Ada?”

Her throat worked, fingers adjusting their hold on the teacup she was holding in them. “I think I know why he fired Adam.”

Lucy set down her teacup in its saucer on the table, leaning forward. “Really? Why?”

Ada’s gaze darted up to hers awkwardly. “I may have mentioned something to him about Adam having a little crush on you. I just thought it was sweet. But he may have taken it the wrong way…”

“Adam doesn’t have a crush on me.”

Ada shot her a look. “You really didn’t notice? He was trailing after you like a puppy for a while, there.”

Lucy frowned. “I’m at least ten years older than him.”

Ada shrugged with a sly grin. “Some men are into that sort of thing, I hear.”

Lucy made a face. “I’m not interested in Adam, Ada.”

She rolled her eyes. “Obviously.” 

“So why would Tommy…?”

“Because he’s a man and they get all territorial and ridiculous sometimes.” She picked a stray bit of lint off of her skirt. “And you know how Tommy can be.”

Annoyance prickled under Lucy’s skin. What gave him the right to stomp around and put a poor kid out of work just because of a stupid crush of which nothing would ever come out of anyway? Did he really have so little faith in her loyalty to him?

Besides, he was married. To someone who was very much not her. Did he really think he had a leg to stand on when it came to being pissed off at the idea of her with someone else?

Not that she would ever actually want to be with someone else, of course. But still. It was the principle of the thing. 

“You have got to be kidding me.” She shook her head back and forth, slowly seething through her teeth. “God, he can be so fucking stupid.”

Ada patted her on the arm. “I know.”

By the time she left the tea room, she had been quietly stewing over Tommy’s reasoning for firing Adam for nearly an hour, her anger marinating. When she got back to the office, it was to find Tommy already there, apparently done with his lunch meeting and seated behind his desk, hard at work.

“Are you fucking serious?” She asked, after closing the door and making sure there was no one else around to overhear them, crossing her arms over her chest. Tommy raised his eyes to her, brows lifted behind the rims of his glasses. 

“What did I do now?”

“You fired him because he liked me!?” 

His jaw ticked, setting stubbornly. “He was being unprofessional–”

“Oh, do not even…how!? How was he being unprofessional, Tommy? I didn’t even know he liked me until Ada told me.” 

“This type of thing happening in the office can cause problems.”

She gaped at him. “Do I need to remind you that your wife was working as your secretary when you impregnated her?”

He flinched, gaze darting down to his hands where they were clasped in front of him on the desk. “Exactly. I had to learn my lesson the hard way about keeping someone around despite them being infatuated with one of us. I’m not dealing with that kind of shit again.”

“He’s not infatuated, Tommy! It’s just a stupid crush. It’ll probably go away in a month or two once he hits it off with one of the other secretaries. There’s plenty to choose from around here.”

“We thought the same thing about Lizzie, and now look where we are.”       

“Yeah, well, I’m not doing shit that’s leading him on either.” A low blow, maybe, but she was upset. And the swipe very much applied to both of them, not just him. She had plenty of chances to put a stop to things with Lizzie, and she hadn’t. Tommy shot her a wounded look, and she immediately felt bad. “If we’re talking about firing people over unprofessional, infatuated behavior, I’m the one who should be getting the boot, not him. You know, because you’re fucking me.”

“That’s…that’s different–”

“Why? Because you’re the boss so you can fuck whoever you want but no one else can?” 

“Because we’re in love, and have been together for years! He can’t just come swooping in here and take you! Because you’re mine!”

Her eyes widened, and she flinched away from him. “I’m not some thing that you own.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

She stared at him, shaking her head back and forth slightly, suddenly massively disappointed in him. She kept her jealousy on a tight leash, despite having to watch Lizzie and a whole other slew of women constantly fall over their feet for him. She didn’t throw temper tantrums and demand he never see them again–especially when they were involved in their work–simply because they couldn’t stop drooling over him. 

But one man, just one in she didn’t even know how many years, showed innocent interest in her, and he threw a fucking hissy fit. 

There wasn’t even any chance of something happening between her and Adam. The boy was still practically a kid, and while sweet, very much not her type. 

Did Tommy really not trust her at all? Did he really think she was about to drop everything, abandon the life they’d built together, and run off with the first man to make googly eyes at her?

“You fucking hypocrite,” she spat out. “You want me to be just yours.” Her eyes dropped to focus on the golden band on his left ring finger. To her horror, through her anger, she felt tears building behind her eyes, a lump lodging in her throat. “And I am. I am yours.” Her lips trembled and she pressed them tightly together, tilting her head ever so slightly. “But you’re not mine.”

His brows drew in, frown pinching across his face. Hurt and panic flashed within his big blue eyes. “Lucy…” he rose from his chair, hand reaching out to her, but she took a step back. 

“I don’t want to see you right now.”

“Love, please, I’m sorry…”

“Don’t. Just don’t, Tommy.” Wrapping her arms around herself, she turned and hurried out of the office, snagging her coat from the hook by the door as she did, barely getting out of there in time before she started to quietly cry. 

∗ ∗ ∗

She went for a walk around the city to clear her head, coat pulled in tight around her, head dipped low with her cap pulled over her hair, the shadow of the brim hiding the dried tear tracks running down her cheeks. 

The weather matched her mood, gray clouds gathering over the city, a few droplets of rain already starting to drip from them. Based on the way that the clouds seemed to roil and double overhead, it wouldn’t be long before they would unleash a full downpour on all of them. 

She wasn’t too far from her and Tommy’s London apartment. But she wasn’t ready to face him just yet. Though most of her anger and annoyance towards him had dried up while she stomped throughout the streets and away from Parliament. 

Overprotective fool, she thought grumpily, shaking her head. But now that she’d cooled off and could examine the situation more objectively, she was pretty sure that she understood what had happened. 

He’d panicked when he found out about Adam’s crush on her. He thought that he was going to take her away. How he thought Adam was going to accomplish that, she had no idea. She supposed that it likely didn’t matter. He probably didn’t even know himself. 

More rain drops fell from the sky, in great succession. Glancing up, she pulled her coat in tighter around her, and with quick steps hurried over to a pub on the corner of the street, ducking inside to wait out the worst of the storm. 

The pub was warm and crowded inside, but she managed to find a barstool close to the back to slide into, away from the bustle of bodies crowding around the bar. A barmaid came over and poured her the whiskey that she ordered, then must have seen it in her face that she wanted to be left alone and let her be with just her drink and her thoughts. 

Her eyes trailed lazily across the lines of shelves holding all assortments of bottles filled with liquor, to the phone tucked behind the bar. 

She could call Tommy and let him know where she was. So he wouldn’t worry. It was already starting to get dark out, and by the time it finished raining, it would most likely be night. 

No; she decided after a moment’s consideration. She would let him sweat a little more. 

“Miss. Winters?” 

She started, eyes widening at the realization that the boy who had been the cause of all this madness had shuffled up right beside her, peering at her curiously. 

OhmyGodhe’sstalkingme was the very first thought that occurred to her. “Adam. What are you doing here?”

“I, erm, I usually come here after work with my friends.” She followed where he pointed with her eyes, to a group of young men and women about Adam’s age sitting in a booth together. A few of them were watching them with intrigue, hastily averting their gazes when they saw her looking at them. 

“Oh.” She immediately felt a little bad for her initial assumption that he was following her. 

“Is Mr. Shelby with you?”

She smiled at him kindly. “No, it’s just me tonight.” She took a considerable swig of her whiskey. “Look, Adam, I’m sorry about Mr. Shelby–”

“Oh! No, no, it’s all alright.”

She frowned. “It is?”

He nodded. “He called me, oh, about an hour ago. Explained that it was all some big misunderstanding and that I can come into work tomorrow, if I want.”

Huh. Apparently her yelling and petulantly stomping her feet at him made an even bigger impression than she’d thought. “Oh. Okay. Good. Are you? Coming back in, I mean.”

Adam nodded. “I am.”

“Good.” She flashed him a deprecating smile. “I was dreading having to deal with finding someone else.”

Adam looked bashfully down at his shoes. His ears were turning a little red. “Do you know…what exactly was it…I mean, if I did something wrong, I’d like to know.”

“No, no it was nothing you did.” Other than cause your boss to freak out and think you were going to try to steal his girlfriend. “It’s like he said, it was just a miscommunication.”

“Oh. Alright then.” 

It was then that the barmaid came over with a tray of drinks for Adam. He took it from her, balancing the tray carefully in his hands. 

“You know, you would be welcome to join us, if you wanted…” he offered. A blush was still flaring at his cheeks, eyes wide while they stared at her. Lucy gave him a kind look. 

“Actually, I’d rather just drink alone right now.”

He shrugged. “Alright.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Sure thing.”

She watched him weave through the other patrons back to his friends, before returning her attention to her own drink. 

Oh, Tommy, she shook her head to herself at her lover’s complete overreaction. Though the thought was filled with traces of affection. At least he’d made efforts to fix his mistake.  

She finished off her whiskey, then ordered another. Hopefully the rain would die down by the time she was done, and she could head home without worry of getting drenched. 

By the time that the rain actually stopped, it was dark outside, and a good many of the patrons at the pub had already left, leaving it quiet and empty save for a few occupied tables and booths. Setting some coins down on the bar to pay for her drinks, Lucy hopped off of the barstool, brushing imaginary lint from her coat and pulling her cap from her pocket. As she did, Adam came up to the bar to settle his tab with the barmaid. He gave her a shy smile. 

“Did your friends all leave?” she asked, looking over his shoulder to see that the booth they’d been occupying was empty.

“Just now, yeah.” He forked out some notes from his pocket to hand over to the barmaid, eyes darting anxiously from Lucy to the windows. “I, erm, I could walk you home, if you’d like? Since it’s dark out.”

“Oh, that’s okay, my place is only a few blocks away.”

“It’s no trouble.” 

She inclined her head, smiling a little at the boy’s sweetness, shrugging. “Alright.” 

Leading the way out of the pub and into the crisp evening air, she fell into step beside Adam as they started the walk back to the apartment that she shared with Tommy. Her fingers fumbled at her rings as she wondered whether he would be there waiting for her, or if he would still be at the office. She didn’t think he’d go all the way back to Arrow House without her. Even at his angriest with her, Tommy would never outright abandon her like that. Certainly not in London of all places. 

“I’m sorry about today. Mr. Shelby’s…he can be a little temperamental sometimes, I suppose, but he doesn’t normally do things like that.” They passed under a flickering street lamp. “He’s had a hard year,” she wasn’t sure what else she could offer up in explanation without having to go into far more detail than she was comfortable sharing with Adam.

“It’s alright. My last boss would throw things at us. Sent one of his other secretaries to the hospital when he hit him in the head with a paperweight.”

“Jesus.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I can at least promise you that Tommy will never do anything like that.” She colored a little at realizing too late that she’d slipped and used his first name. Quickly looking back out at the dark street ahead of them, she hoped that Adam wouldn’t notice. The cobblestones gleamed with lingering moisture from the rain. Neither of them said anything for another block, rounding the corner for her apartment building to come into view at the very end of the street. 

“He’s in love with you, isn’t he?” 

She nearly tripped over her feet and face planted right there on the sidewalk. “What–”

Adam gave her a sad smile, hands tucked into the pockets of his coat. “It’s the way he looks at you,” he said in explanation, like it was obvious. Lucy felt a speckle of horror open up inside of her. They had tried so hard this time around to be subtle…

“Adam,” she wheezed, minorly panicked. “It’s not…I don’t know what you’re talking about. He’s married–” 

Adam shot her a sympathetic, somewhat amused look. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to say anything. I’ve worked with politicians for a few years now. I know how these things work.”

“It’s not…it’s not like that.” For some reason, the idea that he might think that what she had with Tommy was nothing but a dirty affair, akin to what so many of the other politicians did when screwing around behind their wives’ backs, made her feel…cheap. Dirty.

Isn’t that all you really are, though? Just his dirty little secret that he keeps on the side. Even if his wife does know about it and tolerate it. If only just.

She shivered, looking away again. She knew what others probably thought of her. She was sure many looked at her and only saw yet another rich, powerful man’s airheaded mistress. Letting herself be led along, feeding off the empty promises he made that someday, eventually, he would leave his wife for her and they would have a real, happy life together.    

Poor, stupid girl, they whispered behind her back. Doesn’t she know how this always goes? The man never leaves. He never leaves his family for her, and once the wife has had enough and decreed that the affair must end, he’ll throw her out like he has all the others. Maybe get a new model in a few months, and forget all about her. 

That’s how it always goes.

She shook the thoughts away, arms going around her middle. No; that wasn’t them. That wasn’t her and Tommy.        

“I know.” Adam said. At the inquiring look she gave him, he shrugged. “I’ve seen my share of men chasing skirt just for the sport of it. This isn’t that.” 

Lucy swallowed hard. She wondered if he knew how badly she actually had needed to hear that.

“I mean it,” Adam continued. “I won’t say a word to anyone. And not just ‘cos I value my eyes and my tongue.” At her frown, he smiled good naturedly. “You think I didn’t do research into who I was working for?”   

Lucy cast him an impressed look. They’d picked Adam for a reason, after all, but it was only then that it fully dawned on her that he was aware of far more than either she or Tommy had perhaps given him credit for. 

It shouldn’t have been surprising, no one survived long in the political arena–even secretaries–without having a good head on their shoulders. 

“Look, I don’t want any trouble. I just want to do my job and go home at the end of the day, that’s all. Anything you and Mr. Shelby do in your private time isn’t any of my business, as far as I’m concerned.”

Lucy nodded slowly, tongue darting out to wet her lips. “Thank you. We appreciate that.” They had come to the entrance to her apartment building. “This is me,” she said, digging around in her pocket to pull out her keys to the front gate. “Thank you for walking me.”

“It’s no problem.” He glanced over at her apartment building, head tilting back to stare at the windows above, several illuminated by the lights still on inside. “Tell him that I said that it’s alright. And that he doesn’t need to worry. I understand.”

“I will.”

“Have a good night, then, Miss. Winters. I’ll see you tomorrow at work.”

“Right.”

He started to walk away, back the way they’d come. Her grip on her keys tightened, the little jagged grooves digging into her palm. “Adam?”

He turned to look back at her, brow raised curiously.

“I’m sorry,” was all she could think to say. She hated to think that he may be hurt by her relationship with Tommy, and yet she was also relieved that he seemed to fully understand and accept that nothing would ever happen between them.

Adam shrugged. “Don’t be.” 

She nodded, thumbing out the correct key dangling on the ring she was clutching, sliding it into the lock on the gate and pushing it open. When she turned to close it behind her with a soft clang, Adam was already halfway down the road. 

She climbed the stairs slowly, pulling her cap off and tucking it away into her pocket, brushing a few loose red curls out of her eyes.

She opened the door to find the apartment dimly lit, the ornately shaded lamps by the couch in the middle of the sitting room turned on but the curtains drawn. 

Tommy was seated on the crimson colored velvet couch. His suit jacket off and tossed haphazardly over the back of a chair, head in his hands and an over half drunk bottle of whiskey on the table in front of him. His head lifted to stare at her with wide eyes at the sound of the door opening. He watched silently as she moved about, stripping off her coat and hanging it on the hook beside his next to the door. Wriggling out of her suit jacket, she deposited it over the back of one of the armchairs. With a sigh, she went to sit beside him on the couch. Never once did his gaze waver from her.

“You came back,” he said in a quiet voice. Lucy raised an eyebrow. It was obvious that he was drunk, both in the slight glassiness in his eyes, and in the barely noticeable slur to his words. 

“You really thought that I wouldn’t?”

He shrugged miserably, looking down at the table in front of them. “I wouldn’t blame you.”

Frowning, she scooted a little closer to him, reaching out to lay a hand on his shoulder blade. “Tommy…”

“I called Adam and gave him his job back,” he still wouldn’t entirely look at her.

“I know.”

His head raised, brow furrowed. “You do?”

She nodded. “I ducked into a pub to wait out the rain. He was there with a bunch of friends. We chatted a little, and he said that you called him.” She hesitated, not sure how he would take the next bit, but not wanting to keep anything from him. “He walked me home.”

Tommy looked back down. “Oh.”

“Tommy, nothing is ever, ever going to happen between me and him. I don’t even feel that way about him at all, alright? You don’t need to worry.”

“I know.”

“Then why…?”

“Because…because there are dozens of people out there who would actually deserve you.” He didn’t meet her gaze, thumbs playing with each other while he spoke. “And I’m so scared that someday, someone is going to come and take you away from me.” 

Her heart broke a little, both at his words and the sorrowful tone with which he said them. “Oh, love,” she rested a hand on the back of his head. “Look at me,” with gentle pressure from her palm, she encouraged his head to turn until she was met with miserable blue eyes. So full of self hatred that she wanted to squeeze him in her arms and never let him go. “You’ll never lose me.” His lips trembled, eyes widening with unshed tears. Lucy let her forehead lean into his. “Not ever.”

He smelled of whiskey and smoke and melancholy, lashes lowering and head leaning into hers. The rest of his body shifted somewhat so he was more properly facing her, a hand landing on her hip.

“I love you. And I know that you don’t think that you deserve me, but you do. You love me more than anyone else ever has.” She continued, smiling a little when he tried to nuzzle his face more firmly against hers. A teasing gleam entered her eyes. “Besides, you really think that a scrawny little secretary that’s a good ten years younger than me is gonna manage to sweep me off my feet?”

Tommy huffed. “I know. I’m sorry. I overreacted.”

“Mhm.”

Insecurity entered his eyes again. “He wants you, though.”

“Doesn’t mean that he gets me. Besides, he knows about us.”

Tommy stiffened. “How…?”

“Apparently we’re still not as inconspicuous as we’d like to think. Or maybe Adam is just more observant than we gave him credit for. Either way, he knows. He’s not going to say anything. But I do think he is a little scared of you. So, I doubt he’s about to try anything, either. You don’t need to worry about him.” She stroked his cheek. “And like I said earlier, it’s just a stupid crush. It’ll probably pass after a month or two once he finds someone else to capture his interest. He’s not like Lizzie. He knows that there’s nothing that could ever come of this.”

Tommy swallowed hard and nodded slowly, hand lifting to cover hers where it still rested against his cheek, thumb stroking over her knuckles.  

“I’m sorry too.” She leaned back a little so he could see the full genuinity in her face. “I shouldn’t have gotten so angry about it. And I shouldn’t have called you a hypocrite over it either.”

Tommy shook his head, gaze dropping again to fix on the velvet couch cushions under them. They were soft and plush. The couch, despite still being new, was already well broken into by late nights spent cuddling, working, and fucking on it. 

“You were right. I was being a hypocrite. On multiple points.”

“I don’t think that’s entirely fair…”

“Isn’t it? What’s not fair is any of this for you. It’d serve me right if you went and fucked someone else.”

She was momentarily caught off guard and how truly miserable he sounded. So much so that it alarmed her a little. She knew that he felt massively guilty for the nights that he spent with Lizzie and not her. Even if they were few and far between. And even though she’d given him her blessing to do so. He always looked at her like a frightened puppy the morning after, as if expecting her to kick or scream at him and shove him away. But it worried her to think that he was self flagellating himself over it.

“I don’t want to fuck someone else.” She was still open to threesomes, of course–so long as he was with her–but that was different. “I knew there would be some sacrifices I’d have to make when you married Lizzie. It’s okay. I don’t care so long as we still get to be together.”  

Tommy cast her another sad look. “It would be okay if you did.”

“What? Fucked someone else or cared that there are things that I’ve had to give up?”

“Both. Either.” 

Her brows raised. “You’d still love me if I went off and fucked another man?” Considering the temper tantrum he’d just thrown, she didn’t think it was a wholly unreasonable question. 

“Of course I’d still love you. I’d love you no matter what you do.”

She felt herself melt a little. “Even if I blew up the world?”

His lips quirked upwards for the slightest of moments. “Even then.”

She kissed his nose. “You don’t ever have to worry about that, for the record.”

“Which one?”

“Fucking another man. I make no promises about not blowing up the world.”

He snorted, touching her face gently. “You were wrong, you know? I am yours. This,” he touched the ring on his finger, “doesn’t change any of that.”

“Doesn’t it?” 

“Not to me. It’s just a piece of metal. It doesn’t mean anything.” He leaned back a little, hand trailing lazily along her shoulder. “You’re the one I love.”

“You’re drunk.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, glassy eyes confirming her statement. “But what’s that thing that they say? Drunken words are sober thoughts.”   

He leaned forward to try to capture her lips with his. Lucy laughed softly, his movements a little uncoordinated, mouth tasting strongly of whiskey when it pressed to hers. She let him kiss her for a moment before pulling back, smiling at the way that he tried to chase her. Those wide eyes the color of a warm ocean blinked up at her hopefully, his thumb tracing circles into her hip.

“We’re alright?”

“Yes, we’re alright, you overprotective idiot.” Her tone was steeped in enough fondness for him to know that she meant it only affectionately. He poked her in the side, brow raising. 

“See? Proof that I love you. If anyone else gave me that sorta cheek I’d have their eyes.” 

She pressed her smiling lips together, as if her big softy of a lover didn’t often let people get away with far more than he probably should. “Of course, sweetheart.”

He let out a rumbling purr at the nickname, leaning into her. All that whiskey he’d been drowning himself in before she showed up seemed to be catching up to him, leaving him all sleepy and cuddly. 

She secretly loved it when he got like this. It was so bloody adorable to see some of the gruff exterior slip away, not even trying to hide the big teddy bear that he secretly was underneath. 

Smiling to herself, Lucy took his face in her hands, angling it up to look at her.

“What?” He asked, catching sight of the adoring look she was giving him. 

“You’re cute.”

He shook his head despite blushing against her hands. “‘M big scary gangster.”

“Mm, yeah, I know.” She chuckled when he draped his arms around her lazily and snuggled into her neck. “The most fearsome of them all.”

“Damn right.”

She laughed, looping her arms around his back to hold him closer to her. She could feel him growing heavier against her, nuzzling a little more into her neck. She stroked the back of his head, where the shaved parts of his hair prickled her skin before giving way to softer, longer strands. “Is the big, fearsome, very drunk gangster sleepy?”

“…Yes.”

“Let’s get you to bed, then.” When he made no move to get up, despite his mumble of agreement, she had to bite back a laugh. “Tommy?”

“Comfortable here.”

“Right, but if we fall asleep on this couch, you’ll get a crick in your neck and my shoulders will be killing me come morning. Bed.”

He whined and pouted a little, but let her navigate him away from where he’d settled against her throat. Standing and pulling him by his hand to his feet, she wrapped her arm around his waist. He wasn’t as unsteady on his feet as she’d feared, arm looping around her shoulders more for closeness than out of actually needing stability. The bedroom was just down a very short hallway that veered off from the sitting room. The canopy bed that greeted them looked particularly comfortable, golden light from the lamps bouncing off the wardrobes pushed up against the walls and the little vanity where she did her hair and makeup in the mornings.

All Tommy did to get ready for bed was strip out of everything save for his underwear, then promptly decide that rather than just wait for her in the bed like a normal person, he wanted to drape himself around her instead. Which made it rather difficult for her to remove her makeup and get out of her own clothes with a tall–well, tall in comparison to her, anyway–and stockily muscled man hanging off of her like a koala. 

“Alright, you loon, you’ve gotta let me go for a second.” She said, giving him a peck to the forehead to dissuade him from pouting too much when she extracted herself from his grasp so she could change. He still sulked at the momentary lapse of physical contact, but seemed pleased when she opted to wear one of his shirts to bed rather than a nightgown, humming happily when she let him nestle back up against her. 

She maneuvered them both into the bed, smiling when he immediately snuggled up to her, his arms around her waist, head on her chest, and body half on top of hers. He almost never allowed his full weight to rest on top of her like that, too afraid of accidentally crushing her. Though honestly, if she had to pick a way to go, being smothered under him didn’t seem half bad. 

“Feeling better?” she asked, stroking gently through his soft dark hair. Tommy nodded, eyes already dropping closed. 

“‘M sorry for being an asshole.”

“It’s okay. Just talk to me next time before you start going around firing people, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry too,” she kissed the top of his head, a smile playing on the edges of her lips when she tipped her head back to rest against the pillows. “You wanna hear something kinda terrible?”

“Hm?”

“I kinda liked it. Not the part where you took things out on a poor boy who hadn’t actually done anything wrong,” she amended quickly. “But it’s just…nice to know that you’d be willing to fight for me.”

He turned his head to kiss her shoulder. “Always. No one touches my girl.” 

She smiled, knowing that the possessiveness in his voice was meant as protective and loving rather than controlling or dehumanizing. 

Tommy tightened his arms around her. “I love you.” 

She traced her fingers along the expanse of his bare, strong back, feeling the smooth skin and the periodic bumps of a scar or beauty mark. “I love you too.” 

He peppered a few kisses along her collarbone before settling again, and it wasn’t long before he was snoring softly against her, the deep rumbles from his chest helping to lull her, until she too fell fast asleep in the comfort of his arms. 

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[angelstrawbabie420]

in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.

[kashilascorner]

Oh ok. I get now why a lot of people didn't vibe with the ending.

All and all: excellent manga, overall very good final act, too rushed final 2-3 chapters but weak and honestly mediocre epilogue, which makes the high of the ending kind of leave a bitter taste. I think Noda had a good steed and suddenly he had to finish and had to rush all. So the ending in the sense of the final arc was good but the ending proper (final couple chapters) + epilogue......... Not so much

[great-tusk]

ughhh I need to stop having mental breakdowns over little things.

[loderlied]

mmm essay about sally and kid gort in the tags (cw for child abuse, mentions of suicide, animal cruelty and a murder attempt. i always hope i don’t have to say this but just in case: i don’t excuse or condone any of her or gort’s behaviour at all.) this is literally not even touching upon everything i have to say because i hit the fucking tag limit lmao. NOBODY READ IT’S BAD BRAINSTORMING I JUST NEEDED TO GET IT OUT SOMEHOW

[privatelife]

been unspeakably horny for like 3 weeks straight im starting to get scared. well anyway. happy year

[unnonexistence]

just started reading book 3 in this series and page 1 is taking no prisoners hgdshdslk