#the world is a lot bigger than we realise when looking out at it from the darkness behind our own eyes

[luveline]

Hi honey! I hope you’re taking care of yourself ❤️ I love love LOVE how you write! Can I please request bombshell reader x Spencer telling the team she’s pregnant 💕

thank you for requesting! <3 fem, 2k

“Spencer?” 

Your quiet tone has his attention faster than any shouting would’ve; he expects high energy from you, and your murmur scares him half to death. He backtracks from the bathroom with his toothbrush still in his mouth, toothpaste dripping down his fingers as he yanks it out and asks, “What?” 

“Is this okay?” 

You chew your lip and turn to the side, illuminating your problem with a hand framed under your tummy. Your skin peeks out from the bottom of your shirt. 

The wonder of you is that you’ve always been beautiful, always, in Spencer’s eyes at least if not the entire world’s, because of how you present yourself, and of course because of your big heart. Your smile, the way you talk, all of it is beautiful and, most of the time, measured. Your clothes are carefully picked, and now you’re changing and your clothes need to change with it —your bump has appeared faster than Spencer realised it would, and you haven’t had time to upgrade your wardrobe. The cases are endless and you’d been more interested in doctor’s appointments and house viewings than clothes shopping.  

“What’s wrong?” he asks, perhaps a bit useless, white frothy paste sliding down his chin. 

You smile momentarily, nervous on your feet as you adjust your shirt. “I think I look very pregnant.” 

Spencer goes back into the bathroom to finish brushing.  “You look mildly pregnant,” he agrees loudly over the rush faucet. He spits, wipes his face, and rinses his toothbrush. 

“Compared to my usual non-pregnant look, I mean,” you say. 

“It’s just that shirt’s a little tight,” he promises. “We’ll find something.” 

You probably aren’t going to find something, you both realise. You stand in front of him in one of your soft bralettes, the ‘S’ of your pendant on your rising chest, shirtless and likely to stay that way. “Oh,” he says, tapping your bump gently with his knuckle. “Maybe it got bigger overnight.” 

“I think so,” you agree, taking his hand where it hovers to press to the top of the slope of the bump. You’re holding his hand more than you’re protecting the bump, a perplexed frown on your lips as you kneed his fingers in yours. 

“We don’t have time to go to the store, but we could be late,” he says. 

“What if we have a case?” 

“That’s a better reason to go shopping.” 

You pout for a kiss, leaning up to press your lips to his wry smile. “No. Do you still have that maroon sweater? The one that didn’t fit you right, with the v-neck?” 

Spencer helps you into said sweater though you don’t need his assistance, smoothing down the wrinkles carefully. It hides the too-short hem of your white shirt underneath, and paired with the collar, Spencer couldn’t be more in love with you. “You’re dressed like me five years ago,” he says. 

“Like it?” you flirt, your cheeks apples with your smug smile, your hands under your chin.

“You really are glowing.” 

“Don’t tempt me into kissing you stupid,” you say, still flirting, voice dipping into that warm, sweet place that probably caused the bump between you in the first place. 

“You’re lucky I don’t kiss you stupid,” he jokes, putting an arm around you for a quick hug. “Too bad we need to work to save to buy a stupid house instead.” 

“Have a stupid baby,” you mumble happily, your face pressed to his chest. He kisses your cheek. 

You’re both in incredible moods when you finally make it to work, tethered together from the parking lot to the elevator to the BAU office. There’s been a lot more hand holding since you found out you were pregnant, though you’re trying to keep it private just a little bit longer. Hotch gets antsy about pregnant people in the field (though he’d never force you to stay home), and the others can tend to be overbearing. 

You are excited to tell them. Spencer’s your family, the team is as good as, and they’ll all be so, so happy for you. At first you’d been waiting for the twelve week milestone for practicality’s sake, but now you’re just waiting for the right time. 

“Clothes get lost in the move?” Morgan asks. 

You aren’t telling them about the pregnancy, but you’re honest about other things. They know you’ve moved in with Spencer, and that you’re looking for a house. Morgan would’ve been offended if you hadn’t told him. He’d offered up a bunch of his properties to you both for viewing and promised a very good family and friends price point, but they hadn’t been perfect enough. It’s just a starter house, he’d argued, mostly unoffended at your pickiness. 

He doesn’t realise that you and Spencer wanna raise a baby, and you want as perfect a home as possible for at least the toddler years before you start looking to move up the ladder. A family home. 

“Very funny,” you praise, letting Spencer pull back your chair for you as you sit down. You feel the new extra roundness of your bump and wonder why nobody else has noticed it either. Spencer certainly can’t stop looking at it. You catch him all the time, and at night, alone and in bed, you let him run his hand up and down the hill of it, clearly amazed. 

“It looks good on you, mama,” Morgan says. 

You laugh. “Doesn’t everything?” you ask with an exaggerated smirk. 

“Yes,” Spencer says. 

You dip your head back in your chair. “This is why I love you.” 

“Devotion,” Spencer guesses, wiping at a smudge of makeup under your eye tenderly. 

You put your hand on your stomach. It’s weird how things change and don’t at the same time. You feel like you love him so much more now you’re a family with him, but you loved him endlessly before. Moments like this were plentiful and warm as sunshine, the undulating care in his touch a practised exercise at this point. You let your eyes close. He strokes your cheek. 

“Hotch wants everyone in the conference room,” JJ says, announcing herself and her towering cup of coffee as she breezes past the bullpen. 

You follow her upstairs to the conference room. Rossi, Hotch and Penelope are already waiting, everyone accompanied by their own creature comfort (coffee, coffee, and tea, respectfully). You and Spencer take seats opposite Hotch and Rossi, hands held together as always, his left in your right, his thumb kind against your knuckles. 

“The jet is still pre-loading from last time, so we can’t leave until late tonight, but we will be leaving,” Hotch begins, nodding at Penelope. “Until then, we’ll work the case from here.”

She nods back and clicks onto some severely disgusting photographs. 

You work through the facts together. Emily arrives late with apologies soon forgiven, your team a well-oiled machine. Of course, without being there, there’s only so much you can do, but it’s never not useful to have these discussions and to spitball with one another. 

Spencer gets stuck in his head. You fight the urge to kiss his cheek as he’d kissed yours this morning and decide on a more work appropriate show of affection, popping down to the kitchenette to make him a cup of coffee. 

You aren’t drinking coffee or anything caffeinated for the baby. You aren’t thirsty, but Spencer will worry if you don’t make yourself a drink too. You fill a glass with water from the sink and make your way back up the steps to the conference room. 

“It looks like there’s a racial motivation,” Spencer’s saying to Morgan. 

“Sure, but with only two victims so far, it could be coincidence,” Emily says. 

“Or not,” JJ says with a frown. 

“I think our killer would show it more, if it were,” you suggest, “there’s usually some aspect of overkill with hate crimes we aren’t seeing here.” 

You put the cup of coffee down in front of Spencer and sit in your chair. The sleeves on his sweater are too long. You push them up for the tenth time. 

“That’s Spencer’s?” Emily asks, having noticed your struggle.

“Oh, yeah. I’ve been sort of scatterbrained, I forgot to put a load in the dryer.” 

“Is your go bag ready?” Hotch asks. 

No. “Yeah, it’s fine. You don’t like my new look?” 

“I’ve never known you to wear clothes that don’t fit,” Morgan says.

“What are you trying to say, Derek?” you ask, propping your face in your chin. 

“You’re getting sloppy in your old age.” 

You turn to Spencer, beaming, and he shakes his head at you immediately. 

“And what’s with the water?”

Your smiling turns deer-in-the-headlights. “What?” 

“You don’t drink coffee anymore?” Morgan prompts. 

That piques the interest of Emily and Hotch simultaneously, but you know you’re caught when realisation colours JJ’s gaze. She stares straight at your glass, then your face. You can practically see her profiling your behaviour these last few weeks, the sudden trips to the bathroom, the worse than usual reluctance to be away from Spencer, and the sudden propensity for safer practice in the field. 

You smile. You’re caught. You see Hotch’s expression and know he knows it, too. 

You give Spencer a little nudge with your thigh, as though telling him, You say it. You know he wants to. 

“You can’t have more than three hundred milligrams of caffeine when you’re pregnant,” Spencer says, his pride unmissable in the slight lift of his chin, “it disrupts midterm foetal growth. Our baby might come out too small, which isn’t what we want, obviously, so she can’t drink coffee. Not for another six months, at least.” 

“Wha– wha– what?” Penelope asks, the physical manifestation of a kettle about to boil over, excitement bubbling and raring to explode as she grips the table. “You’re pregnant?” 

“With Spencer?” Emily asks, though she’s laughing before she’s finished. 

You frame his cheek with one hand and lean in to kiss it gently. “Who else?” you ask. 

The best part is watching everybody hug Spencer. You’re happy they love you and you accept their congratulations and their love with pleasure, but seeing a room full of people thrilled for him finally getting the life he’s wanted, and knowing you’re at least part of the reason, is pretty sweet. You put your hand on your baby bump and take a mental picture of him under Morgan’s arm, his cheeks pink, his smile achingly wide. 

Still, he cuts through his moment to reach for you. “Maybe someone else will be able to convince you to slow down,” he says, hand moving to your stomach protectively. 

You pretend to think it over. “Maybe in a month or two.” 

[javispunk]

Handsome

Summary: After spending the last 8 months with Joel and Ellie trying to survive every single day out in this post out-break chaotic world, you find yourself seeing Joel in a much different light.

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

Content/Warnings: Joel being a HUNK, 18+ smut (minors don’t interact!), masturbation (female and male), fingering, unprotected sex (p in v).

Notes: Please excuse any mistakes, as english is not my first language! If you have any requests you’d like me to write please let me know! Comments and reblogs are always appreciated! Thank you!

After arriving at Bill and Frank’s, as Joel had intended a few weeks ago, you all noticed the house was quiet, still. Joel called out both their names, but got no answer. Quickly he looked at the dining table, plates filled with rotting food still on top of it. He reached for a piece of paper left behind. A note. His eyes analysed it with care, hoping this wasn’t what he thought it to be. Both you and Ellie read the expression on his face, rapidly imagining that the worse had happened.

“So, what does it say?” Ellie pushed. She knew, but wanted confirmation.

Joel folded the piece of paper on his hand, and you could notice the defeat in his expression. “Girls, stay right here please.”

You nodded immediately. Ellie did the same. Of course he would go in first, that’s what he always did. Always looking out for Ellie’s protection. It was sweet. You watched him do this for the course of 8 months, without ever getting frustrated. You could tell he just wanted her to be safe.

With Joel already at the end of the main hall, you looked over at Ellie. “Let’s get on the front yard for a second, I need to get some fresh air.”

“We’ve been getting fresh air for the last few weeks, what do you mea-“ you cut her off.

“Please. Just keep me company.” You put your arm around her shoulder, half hugging her and guiding her outside.

“You two are the same, you know?” You heard her start. “You don’t always have to protect me that way. I can handle a lot.”

“Oh I know you can.” You paused. “Shit, you’re better than me at that. That’s why I’m asking you for company. I’m the one that needs it.”

She looked up at you with a small smile, realising your request. You both sat on the still neatly cut green grass, as you looked over the other side of the road. You noticed Ellie slightly plucking at the pieces of grass that had outgrown the care they’d receive in the past.

“This doesn’t bother you in the slightest?” You asked her.

“Well, it does. But I didn’t know them. I guess that helps.” You nodded back. “But I just wish Joe would let me explore more.”

You sighed. “He just doesn’t want you to find something you don’t have to see.”

“Then why are we both here?”

“Well, probably because he thinks we can’t handle something like that. I know I couldn’t.” You replied. Death was a hard topic for you, how ironic that sounded in the world you were in right now.

“I think he has you on a bigger clutch than me.”

“What? No he doesn’t. He just probably got the idea that I have a light stomach or something. You’re like his kid.” You insisted.

Ellie looked at you from the side with a slight smile. “And you’re like his girlfriend.”

You looked at her with raised highbrows, pure confusion on your expression. “Ellie, that’s not true.”

“Oh please, have you not noticed the way he looks at you sometimes?” She continued. Your face still equal to a question mark. “A few months back, at the museum, when you got stuck on the other side of the wrecked wall, out of his sight, he killed 7 clickers in less than a minute just to get over to you.”

“Ellie, I’m sure he just wanted to protect you the best he could.”

She interrupted you, just to continue proving her point. “Just the other day, at the bay, when you fell over in the water.”

“That was a huge fall, anyone would be concerned, Ellie.”

“No. You didn’t see the way he plunged himself into the water, the fear in his eyes. And you know how to swim!” She laughed.

Her laugh was contagious, so you ended up doing the same. “C’mon Ellie, quit that. It’s not true.”

“Honestly, a blind person could see it. The way he talks to you. He like-” the voice behind you both made her stop abruptly.

“Girls, there’s hot water upstairs.” You saw his figure at the door frame.

“What?” Ellie shouted excitedly. She got up from your side and ran upstairs quickly.

“Second door to your right at the top of the stairs! In and out, Ellie!” Joel made sure she got in the right room. You both heard her reply with a “alright” from the top of the stairs. You also noticed how Joel smiled when she ran past him. She was like his kid, truly. Joel didn’t do that to you, so you pushed Ellie’s words to the back of your mind. Just to prove that, you watched Joel’s expression change from a smile to a slightly more serious face when he noticed your eyes were on him. Your gaze connected for a couple seconds before you broke it.

“There’s another bathroom, you can go now. Second door to your left. I’ll try to look for the car’s battery so we can be on our way.” He offered.

You nodded after smiling his way. “You go. I’ll explore the village a bit, I just feel like walking for a bit. I’ll go after you.”

“You sure?” He insisted.

“I’m sure. I’ll meet you both at the garage.”

***

You haven’t felt hot water washing down your body in months. This shower felt like a miracle to you. You looked down as the water covered your face, seeing the water turn slightly brown at your feet. You tried to hurry, but you also tried to indulge in some time for yourself. When was the last time in 8 months where you could actually spend time completely alone. When was the last time you pleasured yourself? You couldn’t waste this opportunity. They’d both be down at the garage, and you’d have time.

You ran your hand down between your closed legs, still unsure if you should do it. But you thought the release would be good for you. When would be the next time an opportunity like this one would come? You finally indulged, passing your fingers through your slick folds, already wet from the arousal suddenly awoken in you. Your mind wandered off to Joel and the fact that he’d been in the same tub as you were now rubbing yourself. You imagined his naked figure, skin hot from the warm water falling off his body, washing the dirt from weeks before.

In an instant, as you kept your hand between your legs, rubbing soft circles on your bundle of nerves, your mind visualised him standing there, tall and naked, head pulled back as he took advantage of the shower head over him. Would he have also taken advantage of his alone time and pleasured himself? You weren’t made of steel, and you were sure Joel wasn’t as well. You indulged in the thought of him reaching for his hard cock with his hand, pumping it slightly at first. You tried to stop your thoughts, you didn’t want to objectify Joel like this, but you didn’t touch yourself in months, your core aching for some release. And Joel was all that popped up on your mind. You could almost hear his soft whimpers, his needy grunts as he would pump his length faster.

You didn’t even notice, but your fingers were now inside your pussy, eyes still shut, as the sounds of your wetness were muffled by the water running on the shower.

A moan escaped your mouth, as you imagined Joel looking at you, lying there, legs open for him to take you. Would he even like that? What would he even think about to get him off? Some porn magazine he’d find laying around somewhere? Could he get off thinking about you? Was that so strange? Would what Ellie said be true, that he actually might like you or crave you in some way? Your mind was out of sense, as you imagined him close to his edge, as your own also started to form in your stomach.

His breath hissing, his chest moving up and down. Your name slipping from his mouth. Even your head could trick you, but you were so close to your orgasm that you indulged. You curled your fingers inside your core rhythmically, and the knot in your stomach starting to tighten. As a wave of heat crept on you, so did your orgasm and Joel’s name sounded out of your lips, as you rode your high for a few seconds.

***

You ran down the stairs, still adjusting the jacket on your body. As soon as you got into the garage you saw Ellie inside the car, mesmerised by the mechanics of it. Joel out of sight, behind the lifted hood of the vehicle.

“What did I miss?” You questioned.

You heard Joel close the hood. “I don’t think we’ll have the battery ready today.” He rubbed his forehead lightly. “But let’s get in the car, let’s try it.”

Ellie already in the front seat, moved to the passenger’s side, as Joel asked her to. You opened the back door and got in, behind Ellie.

You observed Joel enter the driver’s seat. His hair was clean, still slightly damp from the shower, neatly combed to the back. His silver strands were somewhat less prominent now in some areas, in others more. His skin now clean from any dirt collected in the last few days, his scar on the high of his right cheekbone now more prominent. He was tan, his eyebrows still furrowed in worry. Your view of his profile was perfectly placed, his angular nose seeming more beautiful than it ever did.

He looked over at Ellie beside him. “Put your seatbelt on.” She looked at him confused. “Here.” He gestured to her right, grabbing it and buckling it for her.

“But we’re not even moving!” She protested.

“Just do it.” His worried gaze still plastered on his face. He quickly put on his too. You saw his gaze wonder from Ellie to the steering wheel, where he rested his hands, before finally looking at you through the rearview mirror. You saw his eyes soften, his eyebrows relax. “Are you okay back there?” He asked you.

You took a second to answer him, still caught up in him. You shook your head, humming a timid ‘yes’. God, you could only think about how handsome he was.

He nodded your way, before turning the key on the ignition. The car sounded in a roar, getting started.

“That’s good news.” You said from the back seat.

“It’s not fully charged.” Joel spoke. “Do you girls mind if we stay here tonight? We’ll leave first thing in the morning.”

Ellie nodded her head, just happy to be inside a car. You didn’t say a word, but Joel seemed to read your expression without you even noticing, as he spoke next.

“You guys can get going, eat something or rest. I just need to do something first.” He looked you in the eye as he said his last sentence. You quickly understood.

You looked back at him. The air was still inside the car, until Ellie opened the door and got out.

“I’ll go and try to make something to eat.” She said.

You watched her close the door. You opened yours and yelled. “Wait Ellie, I’ll help you.” After that your gaze flew on Joel, who was still clutching the steering wheel. “You don’t need help?”

He turned to you fully. “No, of course not.” His eyebrows closed in worry. “You don’t have to see any of that. But they deserve a proper burial.”

“Of course.”

“Just keep Ellie busy, please. I’ll be in and out through the back door. Please don’t let her see anything.”

You nodded rapidly. “Of course not!” You assured him.

“Thank you.” He spoke softly, before you left to enter the house.

***

It was surprising how Bill and Frank had a fully stoked kitchen, from the essentials, to meat, vegetables, fruits, everything. The air in the kitchen smelled wonderful, eventually spreading out to the next rooms. It was surprisingly easy to keep Ellie in the kitchen, she was probably just hungry, or maybe she understood everything and didn’t tell you.

After a few hours, dinner was ready and while Ellie checked on the oven, you made sure to set the table for three. She started serving her plate, running to the table on the dinning room you had cleaned before. You followed her action, still in the kitchen. Joel appeared on the door frame, you with a still empty plate in your hand.

“Hi.” You said softly. “Dinner’s ready.”

He replied to your greeting before continuing. “It smells great but I’m not very hungry.” He said while holding on to a cloth where he kept cleaning his hand slightly. “I’ll just have a shower. Again. And I’ll probably get to bed. Is that alright?”

“Of course.” You paused. “There’s clean clothes on the bathroom if you want them. I’m sure they fit you.”

“Thank you, for everything.” He looked at the floor for a second, before gesturing to the plate you had in your hand. “There’s three spare bedrooms, upstairs. You know, besides theirs down here. They’re all pretty much the same but I’ll take the smallest one.”

“Okay.” Your voice came out as a whisper.

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” You repeated, as you watched him turn his back afterwards, and head upstairs.

You filled your plate and joined Ellie in the dining room. You sighed as you sat down next to her.

“Is he okay?” She asked you.

You looked over at her. “I don’t think so. He will be tomorrow though. Just needs a good night rest.”

She understood everything. She was one of the smartest girls you’ve ever encountered. I don’t know why Joel tried to hide anything from her.

“He does that a lot, you know?” She spoke, her fork now down, resting on the plate, now almost empty.

“What?”

“Close himself off when something’s wrong.” She continued to play with her food. “He won’t talk to me about it. But he would with you. He probably thinks you’d handle it better.”

“I’ll stop by later. Make sure he’s okay.” You looked down at her freshly washed hair, running a hand over it. “Now eat and then choose a room upstairs. We have to gather energy for tomorrow.”

***

You tossed and turned on your bed, hoping the sleep would come creeping on you. It never did. You stared at the ceiling for a few minutes, deciding wether you’d let the sheets stay over your body, or check up on Joel. He was a grown man, but still grieving some old friends, you reminded yourself.

You knew he was on the room at the far end of the corridor, the smallest as he’d said. You carried yourself to the door, before knocking lightly on the dark wood material. The sound echoed slightly through the corridor. Joel took only a few seconds to open the door, emerging with only a t-shirt and some pyjama pants that hang slightly loose on his waist.

“Hey.” You said as you saw him. Hair dishevelled from probably lack of rest.

“Hey, you okay?” His voice low.

“Am I okay? Joel, are you okay?” You insisted.

He shrugged his shoulders slowly. “I’m okay.”

“Can I come in?”

He didn’t say anything, just looked at you and opened the door wider for you.

“How’s Ellie?”

“She’s well. Asleep I presume.”

“Some of us have to.” He slightly laughed at his comment.

He smelled good. The effect of two showers in the same day. You decided to tease him.

“So, taking advantage of that shower today, right?” You spoke.

His eyes shot at you, somewhat scared. “What do you mean?”

You looked at him confused. “Oh nothing, just because you used it two times today. For how long haven’t you had a double shower in the same day?” As you spoke the last words, you understood how insensible that came out. He took a second shower because he had to bury two of his friends, stupid. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s oka-”

“No it’s not. Shit, I’m so fucking stupid sometimes.” You insisted.

“Don’t say that.” He spoke softly, but his eyes were worried. His voice showed a sign of hurt somehow.

“But I am. I can’t even help you and now I say this.”

“I didn’t want your help. I know you don’t take death very well.” You paused your worried thinking, looking at him properly. “Just didn’t want you to go through that unnecessarily.”

You looked at him, giving him a slight smile. “How do you know that?”

He shook his head. “I hear you. Your conversations with Ellie as well.” He paused. “I also know you.”

Your heart began beating faster.

“I’m glad someone does.” You admitted, scoffing at the floor.

The two of you on your feet on opposite sides of the room, the distance between the both of you killing you, no matter how small the actual room was. The silence was not uncomfortable, but you decided to break it abruptly.

“You know, Ellie told me something today. I don’t think it’s true but I might as well ask you now.” You paused and his eyes looked at you intently. “She told me you liked me.” You kind of rushed your words. “I don’t know, she spoke about the incident at the bay and how you jumped right in the water. Or that day at the museum- I don’t know.” You sighed, closing your eyes and looking at him after. “Is it true?”

Your heart was pounding on your chest.

“I care about you. A lot.”

“But that’s it, right?” You asked. “You also care about Ellie, very much.”

He looked at you, one hand roaming free, scratching at his lower belly underneath his tshirt, just above the waistband of his pants. You could tell it was a gesture of frustration. You were ready for a rejection. “Not in the same way, no.”

You were not ready for the response he gave you. Your heart almost breaking your ribcage to get itself free from your body.

“In what way, then?” Your body language couldn’t fool anybody. You naturally, without even realising it, gravitated towards him, ever so slightly.

He did the same. “In the way that I would rather die, than to lose you for that goddamn decease.” His eyes stayed on your expression. He was getting closer to you. “But also in the way of making your safety a priority to me. Your happiness.”

“My happiness?” You mumbled under your breath, as he reached a hand to your waist, pulling you closer to him.

“Happiness, amusement, pleasure. Whatever you want me to. I’ll do it for you.”

Your bodies were glued to each other, Joel was just waiting for your approval.

“Good.” You said before jumping onto him, mouths connected, his arms rapidly catching the behind of your thighs, holding you in place. Your legs wrapped around his center. His hands felt huge on your legs, securing you. You had zero fear of falling, you knew he got you. His tongue asking permission to enter your mouth, which you gladly accepted. The sounds you both made were almost animalistic. 8 months of no physical contact whatsoever, left you hungry for each other.

He sat on the edge of the bed, letting you straddle his lap. You felt your core pulsing when you felt the bulge in his thin pyjama pants. They might as well not even be there. You looked down and could see the entire outline of his length.

Still supported by his hands, you reached over to the hem of your t-shirt and lifted it up, discarding it over your head, throwing it on the bedroom floor. Your breasts hung perfectly a little lower than his eye level. His mouth immediately attacking your right nipple, like he was hungry for you. You moaned, your head thrown back in pleasure.

“Fuck.” He looked up at you with awe in his eyes. “The woman you are.”

“Shit, Joel.” Your mouth hungry for his, hovering his lips. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I’ll make up for it, sweetheart.” He started kissing your neck. “Is that okay?”

“For fuck’s sake, just fuck me Joel.” You didn’t have sex in over 8 months. You couldn’t even be ashamed of asking for it like this.

“Is that what you want, sweet girl?” He grabbed your hair that hang low your back, caressing it from top to bottom.

“Please.”

“You don’t have to beg. You don’t ever have to beg with me.” His hand separated your legs further apart and travelled to your core, pulling your panties to the side, rubbing soft circles on your clit.

You moaned at his touch. “This feels so much better.”

“Much better than what?” He continued his efforts.

“Than me touching myself over the thought of you under that shower.”

“Oh, is that right?” His cocky smile under you, alternating his look between your face and your core, scared he might miss any of them. He slid two fingers inside you slowly but deeply. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head. Profanities rolling off your tongue like warm honey to his ears. “Do you like that, gorgeous?”

“Shit Joel, yes, yes.”

His fingers picked up their pace, shocks of heat from the top of your head to your feet. He lifted you up a bit so he could have a better angle to curl his fingers inside you.

“You’re so wet, baby.” His voice was low, dragging itself word after word. He took his fingers out of your cunt, only to suck on them as he looked up at you.

You looked down at him, immediately kissing him passionately. Applying pressure on his bulge with your core, you heard him moan underneath you.

You pushed him into the bed, him hitting his back on the centre of it. You got up, taking your panties off with urgency. You moved on to take his pants off, as he took his t-shirt at the same time. His boxers were restraining his length, it seemed almost painful. He noticed you looking over at it, removing them himself, as he sat up, his back on the headboard of the bed.

“How do you want me?” You asked him.

“Any way. I just wanna see your pretty face when you cum. C’m here” his voice sounded deliciously inviting. His cock painfully hard and propped in the air. He was huge, and you were not sure if he would even fit. But you wanted to try to so badly. You quickly straddled him hoping he would take it easy on you. And that’s exactly what he did. He wanted to please you so bad for the longest time possible, but just as you, he hadn’t shared physical touch with anyone in months. You were both famished for it.

You propped yourself on his entrance as he looked at you in awe. You were dripping on top of his head, as if his pre cum wasn’t enough to lube your insides already. You sat down on his cock, the girth like something you’ve never experienced before. The sounds your two sexes made in contact with each other were pornographic. Your moans also didn’t help your case. Joel put a hand over your mouth as you pushed yourself down his cock, all the way down.

“I wanna hear your moans so badly, sweet girl. But we shouldn’t make much noise.”

“Fuck, I know.” Your voice muffed by his hand, covering half of your face.

He removed it, just to help you get your rhythm up and down his cock. After a few seconds of him stretching you out, your walls became accustomed to him. Your fluids making it easy for him to glide in and out of you.

With a faster pace you began to grab at the back of his neck, as he kissed your breasts once again. “Fuck Joel, you feel so fucking good.”

He couldn’t even get the words out of his mouth for the first few seconds of thrusting. “You’re so fucking tight around me, baby.”

And in fact, you could feel every single pulsing vein inside you, with every thrust he gave you. You began to bounce on top of him, applying strength on your feet so you wouldn’t grow so tired as fast. You wanted this to last. It felt like you were made for each other, the way his cock fit inside you so right, the way his hands grabbed each of your hips with just the right amount of strength. The rhythm never slowed down, Joel made sure of it.

You began to feel the knot in your stomach tighten. “Joel…” you moaned.

“I know, sweet girl. You’re so close.” He paused to kiss you. “Use me to ride your high, c’mon.”

“Fuck, I’m so fucking close.” You continued.

“Let me hear my name out of that pretty fucking mouth.” He kept you bouncing on his length.

“Hum…” you paused as you closed your eyes. “Joel, shit. Joel, Joel…”

“Cum for me, gorgeous. Let me see your pretty face.”

Your mouth opened to an O, as the knot in your stomach released in an explosion. You let out a cry, but you rapidly muffled it with your own hand. He removed it immediately, just to kiss you while still riding your high. As you began to pant, trying to regain your strength, Joel grabbed your torso on his arm, in an embrace, and quickly but surprisingly softly, put you under him. Now on top, with his cock still inside you, he continued to thrust into you. You were so sensitive and he knew, but you wanted to let him have his orgasm. His breath became quicker with the urgency of his release.

“Fuck…” his thrusts became more sloppy as he reached his climax.

“Cum, Joel.” Your voice like music to his hears.

He kissed your mouth one last time before pulling out and cum on your belly. His warm release all over you, spilling onto the bed sheets.

“Fuck.” His voice lower than usual. His mouth travelled to your forehead, leaving a kiss there.

Both of you panting, Joel on top of you, pressure that would always be seeked from you. Once you caught your breath, you pulled the covers on top of you both, as Joel pushed you into his chest, your face nuzzled on his neck.

A few minutes of silence were much needed.

“Do you mind if I stay here tonight?” You asked him, hope in your voice.

“Oh, I wouldn’t have let you out anyway.”

[uniquesoulwinner]

My Queen

Leah Williamson x reader 

Idea that came to me after seeing Leah get her OBE today of a little surprise celebration with her girl who she didn’t think was even in the country! 

Hope you enjoy its not very good and the format isn’t working right so it might read funny but well it’s something 

Let me know what you think 

***********************

Y/n pov

Getting off the plane in London brings nothing but butterflies to your stomach at the thought of the day ahead. You see given that I’ve been in New York for work for the past 9 long weeks I was not meant to be here today well at least that’s what Leah thinks, I however always knew I would be here! 

As soon as we got the date for Leah to get her long awaited OBE medal I was on the phone to Amanda to plan exactly what was going to happen today, this has lead to a lot of sneaky phone calls between me and my girlfriends mother, who I’m nearly sure is more excited about me being there to surprise Leah than I am.

Finding out that I was going to have to be in New York for 16 weeks for work was never part of the plan, being away from Leah for that long was a thought that made my whole body hurt before I even went, which is why I I have worked my ass off over the last 9 weeks so complete everything I needed to do to get home to my girlfriend of 4 years early which brings me back to walking though Heathrow Airport at 7:45am on a Wednesday morning counting down the minutes until I have her in my arms again. 

Just as I was getting into the taxi to take me to the hotel I had booked for myself and Leah for that night my phone rang and my smile got even bigger seeing it was Amanda!

Y/n: Hey perfect timing I’m just in the taxi

Amanda: ahh perfect I’m so excited, she’s getting ready already! I swear she takes forever.

Y/n: Worth every minute though; you find yourself say thing that out loud without ever realising until you hear Amanda aww on the other end of the phone which made you blush no end! Anyway how are we looking for timeline I’m just heading to the hotel now to get showered and ready! 

Amanda: so we should be wrapped up in Windsor by around 13:30pm at the latest and then she thinks we are just going for dinner and meeting holly and all that couldn’t come to the ceremony there. You can hear the excited little giggle coming from Amanda like she is on a secret spy mission which makes you laugh  

Y/n: ok good and she definitely doesn’t suspect a thing right you ask already knowing that she doesn’t considering you spent 2 hours in the phone to her last night with her upset and missing you as well as telling you how much she wished you where going to be there today which yes broke your heart in two , the only thing that you hoped was seeing her face today would make up for everything!

Amanda: nope not a thing, she is completely oblivious you hear that cheeky giggle again she is going to be so happy y/n, she has missed you so much you you 

Y/n: yeh I know I’ve missed her too more than words but not long now, god I’m nervous you laugh at the Ridiculousness of getting nervous over seeing the woman that has been the centre of your world for 4 years now 

Amanda: oh sweetie you no need to be nervous, the second that girl sees you everything will be worth it, you know … Amanda suddenly stops talking only thing you can hear is some rustling and foot steps which your hoping isn’t Leah catching you both out 

Ok I gotta go she is wandering around now looking for her socks so I better help I’ll see you later ok text me when your there , ok bye bye bye and the phones goes dead leaving you laughing at the thought of your girl running around looking for socks which you know she will be treating like a Military mission in that room ! 

************************

Later on that day after checking in to the hotel and getting yourself ready , wearing a tight green dress that you knew drive Leah crazy with your hair down and curled and black heals, you where standing that the bar of the restaurant that had been booked out for today with holly catching up on every bit of gossip you had missed being away which was lot it seemed! 

Although after the 7th time checking the door you did catch holly giving you a very knowing smirk which made you laugh purely because you didn’t care how obvious you where being, ever since Amanda text to say they where 20 minutes away you could help but look out for them ! You wanted your girl and weren’t even sorry about it ! 

The restaurant was full of Leah’s close family and friends most of which were now laughing at the twitter comments over Leah being the queen of England now ! Lol 

You only snapped out of staring at the door when you heard Jen Leah’s teammate call you 

Jen: y/n how does it feel to have bagged England’s new queen  all you heard was laughter which then turned to cooing and awe’s when you replied saying y/n: she has always been my queen 

And right as you said that you seen her your queen walk past the window towards the door looking out of this world and every bit worthily of the title queen in your opinion but it was to time and time for you to hide in the crowd who had all turned to face the door waiting for her to come in, to which when she did come in she was meant by just noise of chatting and clapping but all you could hear was her laugh that beautiful laugh while she made her way around people still not spotting you ! 

Amanda however snuck around to hug you whispering how she couldn’t wait to see Leah’s face ! 

After around 5 minutes of her still not spotting you , you had enough of waiting so grabbed a glass of champagne and made your way up behind her as she spoke to Alex Scott and Kim little both of who started smiling the second they seen you approach! 

Y/n: would the new queen like a drink you said standing behind her and while you couldn’t see her face you could see her body freeze as she heard your voice which made your heart burst. Y/n you heard her whisper still not turning around which made you giggle given that all you wanted right now was to kiss her still though you stepped forward so you where right behind her meaning you could whisper in her ear hello baby, any chance I could get a hug now?  You didn’t even have a split second to react when her arms where around your neck with such force that if ever the sensible kimmy hadn’t if grabbed the champagne out if your hands it would have been all down the back of Leah’s very expensive looking suit ! 

Suddenly all the people in the room weren’t there anymore the only thing that you noticed was your girl finally in your arms after way to long and while pulling her impossibly closer to you , you just breathed her in every part of you and missed every part of her and now here you could never imagine being away from her again which made what you were about to do even more clear in your head, so while holding her as close as possible with one arm your eyes met Leah’s grandmas giving her a nod and hold out your hand , you watched as the whole room tried to contain themselves as she placed the black velvet box in your hand giving your hand a small squeeze as she did !

Focusing back on Leah who’s head was still buried in your neck, pulling back slightly so you could see her with a massive smile on your face that was thankfully matched by her, finally gave you the chance to look into those eyes that have had you weak for years. It’s only when you see her eyes flick down to your lips that you pull her in making sure she can’t feel the box behind her back, although all sense leaves your body the second her lips meet yours for the first time in over 2 months. Finally it feels like I’m home you think, kissing her is home , she is home and with that thought you remember what you have hidden behind her back so with one final kiss you pull back to be met with a pout from her. 

Leah: your here, your actually here 

Y/n: I’m here baby I would never miss this looking at the smile on her face makes all the sneaking around worth it 

Leah: please tell me I have you for more than one night baby before you go back the pout comes back to her face again as she speaks Giggling at her you step back completely! Here goes nothing you think as you look into her eyes again how about forever you whisper never breaking eye contact, seeing the confusion on her have made you smile as you looked down at the box in your hands which was now between you and Leah, flicking your eyes back up seeing that hers where now fixed on the box in your hands as well it was go time so slowly you lower down onto one knee and open the box , hearing the gasp come from her  gave you the confirmation that the band you had chosen was the right choice! 

Y/n : le there is nothing I could say right now that would be any different to anything I have told you every day for the past 4 years but what I will say is how proud I am to be yours baby, every day with you is the best day of my life letting out a shaky breath as you see the tears in her eyes before you carry on and I want that for the rest of our lives, so Leah Williamson OBE you give her a cheeky smirk as the room fills with laughter , will you do me the honour of marrying me? Holding your breath for the whole 0.2 of a second it takes before you hear her say yes yes a million times yes , smiling with the tears running down both your faces you pull the ring from the box and finally put it on her finger as she pulls you up into a bruising kiss. 

You hear the cheers in the room, the clapping and banging on tables but all you feel is her , your finance , your Leah , your home! It’s just you two in the bubble of whispered words between the two of you consisting of i love yous, don’t ever leave again and I can’t wait to make you my wife , everything in that moment is just perfect! 

**************************

Hours later after food , champagne, a lot of laughter and more love than you could imagine, you are standing back beside your finance at the side of the room arms wrapped around each other just watching your friends and family around you. Turning to Leah you decide to take the teasing that’s been going on between the two of you for over an hour now to the next level,

Y/n: I booked us into a hotel for the next 2 nights so I hope you have no plans for tomorrow you say while looking her up and down because I have no plans on leaving that hotel room tomorrow. Watching as her eyes darken on front of you you step a little closer to her so you can whisper in her ear and just so you know earlier wasn’t the only time I plan on dropping to my knees for you my queen 

And with that Leah walked away and started saying goodbye to everyone you giggling behind her especially with the knowing looks you got from some people in the room but to hell with it you hadn’t had your girl in 9 weeks so you where going to make the most of every minute if that night and every night for the rest of your life with your queen ! 

[rainbow-sunshine-unicorn]

"While what Violet said was through a haze of grief and trauma, what Anthony heard, at a very vulnerable moment, was that his mother would rather die for her husband than live for her children. And it’s very hard to not take that sort of thing personally."

YES YES EXACTLY like I have all the empathy in the world for Violet as a mom with postpartum depression and just a depressed person in general when Edmund died but at the same time you just told your oldest flat out you have no reason to live for WHEN YOU HAVE EIGHT FUCKING KIDS AND ONE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. She just told her son they aren't her air and there is NOTHING left for her in this realm like... that SCARS A PERSON.

dont get me wrong I still enjoy Violet as a character no one is all good all bad but... I would assume that even if Anthony and Violet's relationship becomes less fraught Idk if he would ever get over that no matter how fulfilling his life is now

I think it’s super interesting how Violet is a very loving mother who obviously wants the world for her children yet is a flawed parent in many ways. It shows you that flawed mothers are not necessarily just those who are like Portia but also those like Violet, who are “good” people.

Not that I think Portia and Violet are the exact same, but it’s an interesting juxtaposition, because you may think that both of them are on opposite ends of the parenting spectrum but the closer you look, the more you see, that both of their actions are motivated by wanting to do what’s best for their children and that it is this that lies at the core of a lot of their bigger mistakes as mothers.

Also, I think that her relationship with Anthony was fundamentally changed by him witnessing her raw grief. Though I think the other children, besides Gregory, Hyacinth and perhaps Francesca, were aware of her grief and absence from their lives, and it impacted them in different ways, for example, Daphne singing to Eloise over Violet’s cries, none of them truly felt the weight of it like Anthony. And I think this altered the relationship not only from Anthony’s perspective but from Violet’s perspective.

This character study perfectly articulates exactly what I mean. It summarises Anthony’s character and motivations in such a succinct way, I believe everyone should watch it!!

But throughout season 1, we see her treat him as though he’s Edmund’s replacement falling short rather than her son while simultaneously wanting him to treat her like an authority figure. She demands he arrange something for Daphne with a friend like his father would have, then later, berates him to renege when she considers Simon a better match. Yes Anthony does many things wrong, but he is navigating it from a very lonely place of extreme pressure and absolutely no one to turn to for guidance.

She waffles like this throughout season 2 as well, like insisting that she knows what he wants deep down while also accusing him of thrusting his responsibility upon his siblings, which is simply not true, considering Colin doesn’t even seem to understand the importance of balancing accounts. It’s only in the very last episode of season 2 that she seems to realise how much she has hurt Anthony but even then she apologises for the hurting him while she was grieving and not the way she has treated him subsequently.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t think Anthony will ever go back to being Violet’s oldest child rather than the half limbo state that they are in where he’s the head of the household and she’s his mother but also part of his household. And this is not because of a lack of love on either of their parts or because they are too different. Which is the tragedy of their relationship.

Anyways this is already too long, but Anthony’s last experience of unconditional parental love was when his father died, because the moment he did, in certain ways, he lost that from his mother.

I truly believe that the next time he experiences such unconditional love and affection is from Kate, who sees him at his worst, witnesses him make every mistake and still equally matches his feelings, his love and devotion and desire.

[oneawkwardwriter]

Bedtime Tales

pairing: Wonka!Willy Wonka x literary nerd!gn!reader warnings/tags: Wonka spoilers!, just a lighthearted story, reader being a huge nerd totally not inspired by myself no... summary: reader finds out that not only has Willy never learned how to read, he was also never read to as a child, so they make a deal a/n: I'm lowkey obsessed with the new Wonka film, I can't even learn for major tests without seeing connections wc: 942

"What do you mean you can't read?" You asked in astonishment as you stare at the chocolatier in front of you.

"I just can't..." Willy said rather matter-of-factly, shrugging his shoulders as he took in the shocked expression on your face. "I never needed to, so I never learned it."

"Would've come in handy at zoo," Noodle muttered under her breath, "We nearly got eaten by a tiger."

"Keyword: nearly," Willy emphasised, "I've nearly been eaten by a lot of things, and they only got as much as a nibble."

"Okay, yeah, that's... that's not really comforting," You replied, shaking your head as if to process the thought, "So, you don't how to read... but at least you've been read to when you were a child, right? Right...?"

But Willy only shook his head, making your eyes widen more. "You've never been... right, okay, uhm... right, yes..." You're stumbling over your words, trying to form a coherent sentence and failing miserably. "Right, well... I'm sorry, but how has someone with so much imagination never been read to? Where do your ideas come from if not from stories?"

"I don't know, they just... form in my mind?" Willy answered, not sure how to respond to your questions. "I think you're making this a bigger deal than it has to be."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. the Chocolatier," You reply sarcastically as you look him dead in the eye, "I didn't realise that you were capable of such great things. Why would you even need to read? You already traveled around the world, so there's no need for you to immerge yourself into another."

"Are you sure she's still talking about my non-ability to read?" Willy asked Noodle, still confused but also slightly intrigued by your apparent affinity for reading.

"Hey, you pissed off the literature nerd, not me," Noodle simply answered before going back to her chores.

"Okay, you're exaggerating, I'm not pissed off," You clarify as you shake your head, "I'm just... baffled by the fact that you've never bothered with anything related to reading."

Truth be told, they could've gone around in circles like that forever if it hadn't been for Mrs. Scrubbit checking everyone's attendance and sending them to their separate rooms.

You leaned against the door and sighed, tired from yet another exhausting day at the bleachers. You sat down on your bed and let your head rest in your hands. Having been at the laundromat and bleachers for a few years now and still having several years ahead of you, you had given up on dwelling over your miserable predicament.

So instead, you got out a book from your suitcase, one of your very few possessions. Seeing as the lightbulb above your head kept on flickering and wouldn't provide much light, you moved over to the window, where the moon casted a dim glow over the pages.

After a while, you heard a soft psst coming from the window of the room across from yours. You looked up, only for your eyes to catch the gaze of the brilliant, illiterate young man.

"So, I had a talk with Noodle, and she offered to learn me how to read," Willy said, "She said it would be necessary if this whole chocolate selling operation works through."

"Well, that's a nice offer," You reply, "And I agree with her. You won't always be able to depend on others to do the reading for you."

"Now that you mention it, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing," He comments, "I mean, you seemed to be a advocate for being read to, right?"

You can't help but lightly chuckle. "There's a massive difference between having someone read for you and someone read to you, Mr. Wonka," You say, "One creates a depency, the other provides an escape."

"Well, if that's the case, let's hope that prisoners aren't being read to," Willy joked, lightly grinning when he saw a faint smile creep up your lips. "See, who needs to read when a clever choice of words can make even the most stubborn of people crack a smile?"

"Who are you calling stubborn, Mr 'My near-death experience doesn't mean I should learn how to read'?" You ask rethorically as you raise and eyebrow at him, "Besides, it's often a clever choice of words that makes reading so worthwhile."

"Well, I suppose you'll have to prove that to me in order for me to believe it," He argued, secretly hoping you'd concede.

"Oh, is that how it has to be?" In your mind, you were somewhat thrilled to indulge and with that, be able to share something you were passionate about. But what's the fun in simply saying okay? "Well, I suppose if you asked kindly enough I would think about it..."

"Alright, alright..." Willy said as he stifled a smirk while rolling his eyes. "Would you, please, read to me so I may realise at last what I've been missing out on?"

"Because you asked so politely and totally weren't forced to do so, I will indulge you, Mr. Wonka," You say, fighting back a smile of your own.

And so, you start to read, occasionally looking up only to find fim listening attentively. Right before the story reaches its climax, you shut the book.

Being surprised by the sudden halt, Willy snaps out of his hazy state of drifting off into the story and looks confused.

"Hey, why did you stop?" He asks in astonishment, "How am I supposed to know how the story ends?"

"I guess we'll find out another time," You say, a slight smirk forming on your lips. "Good night, Willy."

© This work belongs to @oneawkwardwriter, please do not copy this work to any other site or claim it as your own. Reblogs are allowed and appreciated!

[cosmousee]

ADVICE FOR MERCURY RETROGRADE 📢📢

Hey folks!!

I hope everyone is okay, hope being the keyword. I felt like everyone around me is in a crisis and decided to do a mercury retrograde reading, because we need to make it make sense!!

I still have a lot of asks left to do, but this felt important so here I am!!

Okay with out further ado, pick a pile from 1>>2>>3

For all three piles, the moon cards are Full Moon cards, which basically means energy is peaking. And at times, when energy peaks, your mind and body does not understand how to cope with it and hence, it comes out as frustration and anger. So just know, its not you, its just the energies and it's gonna be okay very very soon!!!

Pile 1

Your Dreams Need a Practical Plan (Full Moon In Taurus)

Your tarot cards are so much in sync with the oracle card, I honestly love when it happens.

Anywho, you have a goal in your mind, but you don't have a proper plan of achieving it.

You know, you fantasize about your goal, that you've achieved it, how amazing it feels and everything. Which is great and it literally feeds energy into your manifestations as well!

However, you got to atleast make a very starting, list of baby steps you will take in order to achieve those goals.

Currently, through the tarot cards, its clear that if you pursue your goals you'll end up as the King of pentacles, at the highest level of abundance. But, with the reversed 10 of pentacles, you aren't working with a well defined plan. The retrograde might be trying to pull your focus towards this, and with the full moon energy of the card, you would feel frustrated with as well. but take a breath, you know what you have to do. Start moving towards it and hopefully mercury will start being a little gentle with you!🫂

Pile 2

Its time to release negativity (Full moon in Scorpio)

You are good enough (Full moon in Virgo)

Cards are telling you to look at the bigger picture, you've got the world in your hands with the two of wands. Appreciate all that you have and look forward to the future with a lot of love. Also, be mindful of where you are putting your energy and from where you are receiving it as well. If there's anything which is not serving you, learn to let go of that and be intentional with it. The full moon is in Scorpio, which is a water sign, so you can try washing away the negative energies through water baths/shower, or whatever works for you.

The retrograde might also be pushing you to see how good and amazing you are. Its telling you to celebrate yourself more and love yourself more. You may have difficulty seeing that during this time, or whatever is happening in your life is exactly opposite to what the cards are saying, but that is just for you to realise how wrong all of it is, and reinforce your faith in your own self, and being confident with what you are and what you are becoming.

I'll give a little example of what happened with me recently, in my university. Basically my morale and motivation took a hit because of some seniors saying that my whole batch of '26 is not performing upto the mark. Which, personally, I know I am lacking over all, but whatever I am doing is my best. After stewing in that feeling for a day, I went to my club/committee seniors and they told me how well I was working and… everything was bright again.

So.. yeah, it sucks, but this is your sign to fuck the negativities out of your life, and focus on the better things, and make yourself a priority!!!💌

Pile 3

Show the world the Real you (Full moon in Aquarius)

I think you have been conforming, or living according certain rules in your life, which you dont necessarily enjoy or resonate with. It might be easier to just follow the traditions and the rules, rather than being yourself and acting against it, while having to defend yourself for embodying your true self.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, this retrograde will be hella pushing you towards breaking out of these norms, and finally emerging into the world as the real you. You might be feeling fueled up with a lot of inspiration and a lot of energy, because retrograde and the full moon energy of this card.

These might be huge transformations, changing your appearance, your hair colour, getting a new piercing. Or even mental changes, you might create new boundaries, or let go of old ones, revise new ones etc etc. You might even start questioning out loud about the norms and the regulations you used to follow. This would give you a good reality check of your likes and dislikes, and then you can start your transformational journey from there!!💓

Okay! This is all I have for you today <3.

I have tried my level best to give a proper reading, but it might get a little incoherent at some places (I am burnt out from uni assignments).

I hope this helps and you feel better during the rest of the retrograde🥺🫂

[st7rnioioss]

ੈ . ݁₊ ⊹used to be my girl, pt. 2

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: chris sturniolo x reader

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠: (hardly any) angst, bad writing, happy ending?

a/n: forever sorry this took ages to finish. do i hate it? obviously. am i finally relived it’s over? absolutely😜

ִֶָ𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ🐇་༘࿐

you woke up the next morning on the couch, the lack of curtains in your living room causing the sun to blare right onto your face.

“what the fuck,” you mumbled to yourself, obviously not very fond of sleeping right there, instead of taking approximately fifty steps to your bedroom instead. now your back hurt.

while getting up the couch to make a cup of coffee, the events from yesterday flood over you. the yelling, chris not seeming to give a fuck, the breakup..? it all hit you like a train, and you realised you and chris might’ve been over by now. even tho he hurt you repeatedly, you always saw something in him, something you could change. but that never happened.

you shook your head, wiping the tear that had rolled down your cheek to try and forget it, moving on with your day.

all of a sudden, while the cup of coffee was brewing and you were grabbing a few eggs from the fridge, your door opened after a few knocks. your blood ran cold instantly.

running from the kitchen to the entrance, you grabbed an umbrella to poke or hit whoever was breaking in your house.

“what- get out! what the fuck are you doing!” you yelled, realising it was chris in your house, rolling your eyes as you considered if you wanted to hit him anyway. it wouldn’t be that bad.

“wait! just- stop. don’t fucking hit me.” he said, closing the door while he reached out to take the umbrella from you, which he eventually did. men do have bigger muscles - biologically.

“look, i just want to talk. can we please just talk this out, without hitting anyone with umbrellas?” chris asked, looking almost like he was pleading you.

you got a little embarrassed when you realised you were still in your pyjamas, while he was fully dressed. but that was besides the point.

“why? you made yourself very clear last night. i just need you to grab your things and leave, chris.” you mumbled, closing your eyes as you pinched the bridge of your nose.

chris rolled his eyes, grabbing you by your wrist to drag you into the living room, basically throwing your down on the couch.

“i- i just need you to listen. look, last night, i just kinda realised that i really fucking love you. a lot. but i just hate commitment, it scares me. for the past few months, i’ve genuinely enjoyed myself while spending time with you, i just never said “i love you” back, because i got scared. i didn’t want you to depend too much on me, if i couldn’t fulfil what you wanted -” chris started, and before you could register anything, he had basically confessed his love to you. which he had never properly done.

“- because you deserve the world. i just never had the balls to say it, but here i am.” he chuckled, a tiny smile playing on his lips. he had an apologetic look in his eyes.

you stayed silent for a second, looking up at him from the couch. it caught you so off guard the he all of a sudden had changed his mind, and wanted to stay.

“what?” you just asked, rubbing your forehead.

chris sat down on the chair on the other side of the coffee table, resting his elbows on his thighs.

“look- i really love you, and i- i can try to make this work, i promise. but i just don’t want you to be disappointed if i can’t. just give me a chance, please?” he said, looking down at his fingers and shoes. you could tell he was a bit nervous, which was odd since it was chris.

“chris, relax. we can try, if you really put in the effort. i know you can do it, you just have to try. now i know how you feel, that’s all i really wanted. but if this doesn’t work out.. i just want you to know, im not up for another chance..” you tried to give him a soft smile, but it turned more into an apologetic one instead.

you were still hurt. you saw much more in this than he did, and he made that clear yesterday.

he looked back up at you, a glimpse of hope in his eyes, but he still had a shocked expression on his face as he nodded. you know he probably expect that from you, but why not at least give him a chance.

ִֶָ𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ🐇་༘࿐

the next few months was spent with chris, and honestly, you didn’t mind. you actually had a lot of fun.

from the endless amount of picnics in your backyard, hours spent by the beach, long nights tangled in the sheets, you both definitely saw more and more good outcome of this. and not once did you question the second chance you gave him.

over time, you both fell in love again, but this time, in a completely new way. chris put one hundred percent dedication to try and fix what he ruined, and you gave him that chance to change. and he did.

before, you probably had to choke out an “i love you” from him. the before uncertain love confessions, if there even were any, were now something chris did on a daily basis. and neither of you were scared to now go by boyfriend and girlfriend, whether if it was at home, out in public, or on social media.

ִֶָ𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ🐇་༘࿐

taglist: @chrissgirlsstuff @toriinie @cupidzsq @iluvmattyb @ratatioulle @emma4eva @riasturns @sweetbabydoe @bambi-slxt @elliewrites1 @its-jennarose @abbypost @chrisstopherfilmed @sturniolossss @ducksturniolo @junnniiieee07 @urfavvev3lyn @vschrissturn @keerahsturn @twitchstreammattsgf @domaniquessidehoe @sturniolossss @k-l-a-w-s @pearlzier @pjmpcyy @mbsbaby @christhopersturniolo @mattspolitank @sarosfilms @sturnhrts @ivonchetooo1239

[lost-in-lamentation]

🏚🏥🧭 - haunted house, injury, rescue.

beelzebub × gen!reader. angst + fluff.

warnings: based more off a haunt/horror house experience. mc walks through complete darkness most of the time, falls down a deep pit, has their ankle broken, and also gets grabbed multiple times by actors in the haunted house. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH SUCH SCENARIOS.

further warnings include the fact that this is not beta read.

content: you and beel go into a haunted house together, but end up separated.

back to the 500 follower event: here.

“guys, i know i said i’ve done haunted houses back in the human world, but…” the gaping entrance loomed in front of you, wind whispering in your ears as you stared down the attraction. “this seems a bit much.” you felt the air grow colder around you, and you could barely suppress the tremble in your legs.

next to you, satan nodded his head to the side. “look. they just came out of the haunted house.” you peered around the blond, catching a glimpse of the way the other guests clung to each other.

“they sure look traumatized,” belphie commented from behind you. “must be a pretty legit haunted house.”

“i’m just going to pretend i didn’t hear what you said,” you sighed. carefully, you took another look at the haunted house. you had read earlier that there were actors and staff inside that would do their best to scare guests, but you never imagined that it would feel so intense. “you can only go inside in pairs.” a part of you wished that you could go with everyone, but another part of you didn’t want to deal with belphie’s teasing if he saw you so scared. “beel? you and me?”

beel, in the middle of snacking, managed out an “ok” despite chewing. you relaxed on the spot, knowing that beel being next to you would make you feel safe.

your moment of respite was short; less than a minute later, you and beel were ushered inside the attraction, waving your goodbyes to the brothers you had left behind as the doors creaked shut. you were plunged into complete darkness a second later, inhaling sharply when you realised you couldn’t see beel next to you. “beel?” you hissed his name quietly, hands wandering the air to see if you could find him in the dark. much to your relief, torches flickered to life on the walls in front of you, revealing the dark hallways that seemed to go on for eternity.

“oh, MC. i thought they were about to separate us.” beel shifted his gaze around, taking in his surroundings before looking back at you. “it looks a lot bigger in here than it did outside.”

you swallowed a nervous groan, neck craning to get a better look inside. “yeah. it’s kinda freaky.” ahead, water dribbled from the ceiling onto the stone floor, causing echoes throughout the haunted house. you didn’t bother hiding your nerves anymore. quickly, you gripped onto beel’s sleeve, pulling yourself closer to him.

the demon didn’t bother asking, and began pushing you gently to stand behind him. “just stay behind me, MC.”

you nodded silently, holding tightly onto beel’s clothing as he started his way forward. you couldn’t tell how long you had been walking for. the only indication that you were moving was the way the torches faded in and out of sight as you walked on. about to bring it up, you tugged on beel’s sweater, but he shushed you before you could say anything. “sshh. there’s a dead end and two doors up ahead. i can hear someone moving around.”

“doors?” you peeked over his shoulders, spotting the doors he was talking about. “what should we do?” finally, you stepped out from behind, coming up to stand next to beel.

beel glanced from door to door, his eyebrows furrowing in thought. “let’s open the door on the right first. i didn’t hear anyone from that room.” he placed his arm in front of you, guiding you away from the door as he placed his other hand on the doorknob. you held your breath, jaw clenched as beel pushed the door open. one, two, three seconds passed, and you finally released the air in your lungs. “i guess this is the ri-” beel was cut off mid sentence, his eyes widening as he felt someone grip his wrist and drag him inside.

“beel!” you lunged after him, but the door slammed in your face before you could get a foot in the doorway. frantically, you pounded your fists on the damp wood, calling for him again. as you shouted for beel to return, the door that you hadn’t opened behind you opened with a low groan. you stiffened at the sound, feet frozen in place as you felt another presence enter the hallways. “who’s there?” you didn’t dare turn around, instead gripping onto the doorknob in front of you. your efforts were forlorn; suddenly, there was a grasp on your shoulder that you couldn’t fight, and the next thing you saw were the torches in the hall disappearing from sight.

you were pulled through a dark corridor, screaming for your life each time you felt the stranger tug you in a new direction. you tried to remind yourself that it was only a haunted house, but with how terrified you felt, you couldn’t properly bring any thoughts into existence. the hand on your shoulder soon disappeared, leaving you alone to wrestle with your fears. continuing through the darkness, you stumbled onwards, hands in front of you to feel for a wall to guide you. but you came into contact with nothing, and eventually, you felt yourself walking down a ramp. in the pitch black area, you knelt down, palms brushing over what felt like stone floors. “is there water down there…?” you pressed onwards, still occasionally calling for beel as you walked through the hallways. shivering, you took one step after the other, waiting until light finally hit your gaze. in the distance, you saw it; a torch blazed in the darkness, lighting up a new path. with newfound determination, you scrambled towards it, your footsteps echoing through the dark chamber. however, before you could get close, the floor opened up from underneath you. with a shriek, you felt yourself become weightless, before plummeting down through the new path. luckily, the drop wasn’t far, but it didn’t prevent your ankle from landing with a loud crack. you cried at the impact, pain shooting up your leg as you crumpled to the ground. another scream caught at the back of your throat, your injury preventing you from even getting another sound out. with a quiet whimper, you curled in on yourself, not noticing a figure in the dark slowly creeping up to you. you only realised it when you heard footsteps dragging across the floor. in a last ditch effort to escape, you mustered the strength to scream as loud as you could, praying to anything and anyone that beel would find you in this godforsaken maze. when you heard the figure stagger backwards, you hauled yourself up to your feet, ignoring the way your leg begged you to stop running. panicked and desperate to not get caught, you ran as fast as you could. at least, in such a situation, which wasn’t nearly as fast as an unharmed demon. in what felt like seconds, there were suddenly claws digging into your forearm. you were at your wits end. with too much happening and not enough light to see any of it, there was nothing left for you to do other than give up.

“beel,” you wailed into the dark, chest heaving as you fought back sobs. your arm went limp as the strange demon dragged you around. you practically considered yourself dead, but then you finally heard his voice from afar.

beel called your name just as frantically, if not more than you called his. by the time he reached you, you weren’t able to register his presence, too deep in your fears to hear him calling to you. but then he pulled the other demon off you, pulled you back to reality, taking a gentle hold on your shoulders as he spoke in a slow, soothing voice. “it’s okay, it’s okay. i’ve got you.” his voice, at first muffled by your own erratic heartbeat, became clear, cutting through the darkest images you had witnessed today. you exhaled shakily, bringing your hands up to feel for beel. “MC, i’m right here.” his voice sounded from above.

your lower jaw quivered as you continued to search for him. “beel, i can’t see. where are you?”

beel clicked his tongue in what seemed like anger, but he was quick to set the feeling aside. “i’m going to hold your hand for a second, so don’t be scared, okay? it’s just me.” as promised, you felt his fingers curl around yours, guiding your hand to rest on his shoulder. “MC, did he hurt you?”

you shook your head, looking down at where you would’ve been able to see your ankle if there was light. “no, but i- i fell down a pit or something earlier. i don’t think i can walk.” you felt his grip tighten around you for a split second.

“i’m going to carry you, okay? just close your eyes and we’ll be out in no time.”

at the notion of getting out, you bursted into tears, tucking yourself as close as you could to beel while he lifted you up. ever the gentle giant, beel cradled you softly, rubbing his nose into your hair every so often while he searched for the way out. he planned his steps carefully, taking extra caution to make sure you bumped into nothing as you made your way out. and eventually, light began to flood your vision again, slowly revealing a “we made it” sign at the end of the tunnel. it took a while for you to adjust to the light, having spent so much time in complete darkness. you turned your face to hide in beel’s jacket, shuddering as he shifted you in his arms to better protect you from the haunted house employees. you weren’t able to see the worker demons’ expressions, but from the way their voices shook, you couldn’t help but think they were scared.

“c-congratulations on making it out! we have special photos from hidden cameras that you can buy-”

“you hurt them.” beel cut them off with a growl, holding you even closer as he spat at the other demons. “i suggest you shut this scam of a haunted house down now before i call lucifer and have him destroy it himself.”

there was a hasty agreement and an incoherent chorus of apologies before the room fell silent again. you blinked your vision back to normal, catching the way beel’s gaze burned with anger before it was replaced with worry. “i’m sorry, MC. i should have found you quicker. i should have never let us get separated.”

reaching a hand up, you brushed over his cheek softly with your knuckles, exhaustion beginning to take over your body. “it’s okay beel,” you replied quietly. “just promise me something?”

“anything.”

your hand fell back down to rest on your own chest as you tried to press more of beel’s warmth into yourself. “please don’t leave me tonight.”

beel sighed into your hair. “i won’t leave you ever again,” he declared, pressing a kiss to the crown of your head as a seal to his promise.

a/n: i can't think of words anymore i'll be trying to write conversations but then it's a mix of tagalog, japanese, korean and english and i cannot for the life of me differentiate anything anymore so tbh sorry if this isn't that great </3 but if you're here, thank you for reading this far.

reblogs are really appreciated (´ω｀) ♡

[gingiesworld]

Family Ties (7/?)

Natasha Romanoff x Werewolf Fem Reader

Warnings: Angst. Violence

Taglist : @natashamaximoff-69 @canvascoloredin @wizardofstories @louxbloom @wandanats-goodgirl @natashasilverfox @the-ox-fan20 @upsidedowndanvers

18+ MINORS DNI

The base that Ricard had been hiding amongst the scientists who had tried to make the perfect pack, failing until now. They watched as the fetuses were all growing in tubes, with other wires and tubes that were hooked up to them within the artificial amniotic fluid.

"When will they be ready?" He asked as the scientist looked up from his tablet.

"They are currently in the 6th month of the gestational period." He was informed as he hummed. A smirk on his face, which would soon be wiped as the pack was approaching the base, the smell of Ricard stood out in Aaron's nose.

"So, how will we do this?" Clint asked as the jet landed nearby, the Avengers approaching ready to fight.

"This is the biggest base we have encountered, bigger than the Strucker base." Steve stated. "We are going to need to work as a team to take them down."

"I am getting a lot of heat signatures." Tony informed them. "A lot of heavily armed agents."

"We can do this alone." Tristin spoke up as Aaron shook his head.

"We will take Ricard." He told them. "The Avengers will help take down Hydra and their agents."

What they never anticipated was that Hydra were ready for the wolves to attack the base. A contingency plan in place.

"Let's do this." Nat stated as they all started towards the base. The pack turned before they breached the first entrance, taking out the agents in their path as they made their way to the center of the base.

"Unleash the gas." Ricard ordered them with a smirk. Watching on the screens as the wolves soon struggled to carry on, howling and whimpering in pain as they breathed in the aconitine.

Y/N listened to the howls of her family as she approached the base. Not realising that Ricard had turned to take down the Avengers, starting with Tony as he entered the lab, the other Avengers not long behind him as they took down the agents.

Y/N turned for the first time since she was rescued and raced through the base, finding Ricard biting his way through Tony's suit as he tried to blast him away, but only malfunctioning. Y/N ran to her Uncle and tackled him, the two falling over the railing and onto the lower level. Both whimpered until she got on her paws, facing Ricard as she growled.

"Y/N!" Nat looked over the railing, watching as Ricard sprinted towards her, his teeth bared as she ran towards him. The two a mess of teeth and claws as the growls and howling filled the room. It wasn't until an agent shot a dart at her, making her whimper and curl up in agony. Slowly turning back to her human form as she breathed through the agony coursing through her veins.

"You won't win this fight, Little one." Ricard told her, walking towards her in his human form. "The aconitine is also in the air and I bet it feels like you're breathing in razor blades."

"You will pay for everything you have done." She told him as she slowly got to her feet.

"We need to get the pack out." Nat told the others.

"Tony, Sam, Wanda and Vision, get the pack as far away from here as possible." Steve ordered them. The four nodded and made their way out of the lab.

"We need to blow this place up." Nat told him. "We can't let them unleash what they have created here, and destroy all evidence and research too." Steve nodded as the two of them soon moved to find and plant any explosives.

"You had a chance to be a part of the greater race Y/N, especially since it was created by your DNA." He told her as he punched her, sending her back a little more. "This was our chance, the wolves could have ruled the world but the other elders, your father and everyone else never saw the endless possibilities, the power and control we could have had."

"You make me sick." She spat as she struggled to her feet. "You're nothing but a failure. A disappointment to the Selene ancestors." He chuckled at her words. "And the moment your blood spills by the claws of my hands, all will be right."

"You do realise, your friends are going to blow this place up." He sneered as he towered over her, his claws drawn as he plunged them into her side. Making her scream out in pain. "And you will die here."

"As long as your plan dies here too, then I will have fulfilled my plan." She told him, gripping his arm that was plunged inside of her. "And you will die with us." She head butted him with all of her strength, her claws drawn as she took a swing in which he dodged by a centimeter.

"I have eyes on Y/N and Ricard." Clint spoke through comms, watching as Y/N struggled.

"Take him out." Steve told him as he and Nat finished with the explosives. As he plunged his claws into her stomach, Clint shot an arrow into his side, giving Y/N a chance to use her remaining strength to plunge her own claws into his chest, piercing his heart as his eyes widened.

"See you on the other side Uncle." She told him as the two fell to their knees, his arm retracting from her as he fell on his back.

"I'm out." Nat spoke as Clint stood beside her.

"I'm on my way." Steve spoke as he made his way back for Y/N.

"What are you doing?" She asked him as she held her wounds.

"We're getting out of here." He told her as he picked her up, she yelped in pain as her wounds weren't healing thanks to the aconitine in her blood.

"Is everyone safe?" She asked as he ran through the base.

"Yes. Everyone is safe." He told her. "Nat is safe too."

"30 seconds left Steve!" Nat yelled as Aaron was coming round.

"Y/N?" He questioned as the Avengers had a solemn look. "No." He shook his head.

"10 seconds." She counted down, watching the way that they had breached, soon the base exploded, leaving a huge cloud of black smoke and flames. "No." She whispered as she went to run towards the base, seeing just in time a figure walking towards them. "Y/N?" She questioned as she spotted the limp figure in Steve's arms.

"We need to get her help." He told them urgently.

"Cho is already at the compound. Ready and waiting." Tony told them as they all raced to the jet. "You're all welcome to come along." He told the pack.

Aaron was fast to join them on the jet, sitting beside Y/N as Clint and Vision decided to get the rest of the pack to safety.

"She'll be ok right?" Nat questioned as Steve held pressure to her wounds.

"The aconitine stops the healing process so it is hard to tell right now." Aaron informed her as Tony flew the jet. "I guess we will have to wait." He whispered as he helped with the wounds.

Nat remained by her head, brushing the hair from her scarred face, only just seeing them as she was pale, and in the light shining over them .

"You really love her." Aaron stated as Nat looked up at him. "And I know she is in love with you too." He smiled as he spoke. "When we find our mate, we mate for life. It's like our hearts beat as one when we find our better half. Like we can't live without them, it is physically painful to be without them."

"It is." Nat admitted. "When we're apart, I feel like I can't breathe. Like I am drowning and every time I try to come back up for air, there is a weight on top of me."

"It's a scary thing." He told her. "To be in love. To have someone's heart in your hands."

Once they had arrived at the compound, Cho and her team were ready to take Y/N straight to the med bay. Everyone had followed behind and watched as they worked on her.

"You should shower Nat." Wanda spoke softly as she took her hand.

"No." She shook her head, her eyes never leaving Y/N. "I am not leaving until I know she is ok."

Wanda just nodded and left the room once more, heading to the kitchen to make plenty of food and drinks for everyone. Taking a plate each to both Nat and Aaron as they waited, the two thanked her as they picked at the food before them, barely any appetite as they waited impatiently.

As the hours went by, Cho had finally finished and left the room. Smiling at the people waiting to hear the news.

"She will be ok, the aconitine slowed down her healing abilities but she will be scarred." She told them. "I have done my best to flush out the remaining aconitine in her blood."

"When will she wake up?" Nat questioned.

"An hour or so." She told them. Nat and Aaron both walked inside and took a seat either side of her as the rest of the team and pack waited outside the room. Tony even waited for her to wake, sorrow heavy on his heart for how he had thought of her. Thinking she was an uncontrollable beast.

[nothinggathers]

And while you can't code emotion into something, you can give it parameters of behaviour that appear as emotions, or that function similarly.

Androids can cry. Like, that's something built into them to physically be able to do for some reason. The ability to over produce eyelid lubrication for a camera (blinking is a humanisation feature but their eyes don't need to be kept moist to work like ours do, at best it serves the dual function of lens cleaning and looking more human) isn't something you'd bother with unless you specifically want the thing to be able to appear to cry. Which means they have triggers programmed in to start that.

They know when to smile, too. To get what they want, or to reassure.

So it's fair to assume their blending in programming involves a lot of parameters to action instructions, where the parameter is a social circumstance and the action is a behaviour of response, specifically, something humans will interpret as an emotional display. A completely flat affect is unnerving as hell to be around, after all.

If their learning programs get involved in this then those reactions are going to expand to more than their base programming.

So androids have this learning program going on that's going to be telling them when and how to react in such a way, and isn't that exactly what emotion is? We do it with chemicals, but we do everything with chemicals. We're a chemical machine. Our brain exerts most of it's processing power on reading those chemicals every microsecond of every day or we die. Like, you can't breathe right if the chemoreceptors in your blood vessels don't inform your brain of the CO2 levels in your blood. We're a poorly programmed chemical computer that does things in the most inefficient way because we got here by evolution. We are walking legacy code. Remove one bit and multiple other systems go down for no good god damn reason except they're linked because they all piggy back off each other. We're a mess.

Androids are (hopefully) less of a mess. They do much of the same thing with ones and zeroes instead of chemicals.

Emotions are drivers. They make us do things, make decisions, get out of the way of the car, even fucking EAT (you get positive chemical feedback for putting nutrition in your body, the action itself is not sufficient reward, take it away and we lose interest in life sustaining food, we are very stupid chemical machines). Androids are going to have their own code, self built from algorithms and experience, doing the same.

If it looks like a duck, thinks like a duck, and acts like a duck, is it an emotion?

The questions to ask are: what is the science behind the biology and evolution around human emotion and how would we code that into android’s brains?

As far as I'm aware for humans it's basically all about hormones and brain activity. How can artificial consciousness with no hormones whatsoever experience any kind of emotions at all is a fucking mystery, but if I were to fantasize here, then... If I think about how emotions feel like it's always about physical sensations and some mental context, so I theorise that emotions are exclusive for someone with a brain (capable of something more than just instincts) and physical body (capable of physical sensations). In dbh those mfs have some biocomponents which quite possibly can be physically felt to some extent + they have some kind of physical sensitivity. So if certain information can cause them some physical reaction in response to that then that are emotions, I guess? But where does they come from? They have to have something to do with the way their consciousness works, as Connor described "emotions are irrational instructions caused by errors in their code" so... I'm not a biologist nor specialist in neural networks, so I don't know shit about how any of that would work in real life, but just as an interpretation of fictional settings it seems like their human-like simulation of conscious mind became complex enough to be as well called conscious on its own, and maybe emotions to some extent are inseparable from an experience of being conscious which... doesn't sound convincing, I can totally imagine someone conscious with no emotions at all. Maybe android's mind or at least some part of it was somehow trained on dataset of thousands of real human brain activity, and it just happened that those records include brain activity related to experiencing emotions, so even if it's something that wasn't originally planned for them to have in their program and original intention was to just make them emulate some reactions in a convincing way - when given a physical body it manifested itself in actual physically experienced emotions? Huh, I like that

I'll headcanon it like that from now on

[daintyshu]

𝐊𝐈𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐘 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄

xvii. heeseung's master plan (1.3k written)

saturday came by faster than heeseung would've liked. he didn't know how he pulled it off but he was beginning to think he shouldn't have. here he was in odd atelier, sitting among the audience as everyone watched his first love and her "guard dog" best friend sing a duet.

he looked around, watching the love struck expressions on his friends' faces. he couldn't believe what it has come to. all of his friends and himself, fighting for the only girl he has ever cared about in his life.

the song ended and heeseung thinks that even without his friends' boisterous applause, you would've still gotten huge cheers for your performance. you've always gotten attention wherever you went. maybe that was the one regret he had with falling for you. maybe if you hadn't been so lovable to everyone, he could've had you all to himself.

he snapped out of his selfish thoughts when an older woman walks onto the small stage.

"give it up to our acoustic duo of the week, y/n and donghyuck!" jisoo speaks enthusiastically into the mic. the two walks off, bowing in gratitude at the people cheering for them as they go to behind the bar for some water. singing for an hour straight really made their throats dry.

"now today's gonna be a little different, we have a special guest here singing for us tonight. i know all of you are only ever here for y/n," she jokes, causing the room to burst into small laughter. "but this one'll be a short one so if you have some time to spare, feel free to stay and listen!"

you and donghyuck share a questioning look to each other as you tied your aprons back on, both of you not knowing about this part of the night. the other closer, jay, who was making drinks, too was confused. acoustic nights had always been 8pm-9pm and was always the only event of the night. what did their manager jisoo have in plan?

someone from one of the tables stood up, making their way to the small stage. your eyes widen and you almost spit out the water in your mouth when they turned to you. donghyuck was no better when he actually did spit out his water, you jolt at the sudden cold on your neck, turning to smack him on the back of his head. he apologises, grabbing napkins to wipe your neck and shirt as you both watch the boy you once called your lover.

he sits on the seat you were previously sat on; behind the keyboard, and when he looks up right at you, you feel the world stop and your heart beating faster. the look he had on was a determined one, as he slowly plays a tune that was familiar to you.

"same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now~"

he begins and you feel a tug in your heart. you've missed his singing voice. when you were dating, duets were a norm with you two and when those sleepless nights came to you, he would always sing you to sleep through the phone, only stopping when he could hear your soft snores on the other end. you turn to the older woman stood not too far from him, finding her looking right at you with a soft smile.

"what's going on?" you mouth, trying to push out his angelic singing voice out. you assumed all of them knew who heeseung was to you and you felt a little betrayed jisoo had done this. she replies with a short, "just listen," and you frown, turning away from her.

"too young to dumb to realise, that i should bought you flowers~"

at this point, jay had finished doing whatever orders he had and was standing next to you as everyone in the cafe watched heeseung perform. he had an arm around you, whispering a small "you okay?" in your ear, rubbing your upper arm in comfort as you only looked at him defeated, eyes watering. you couldn't help but feel like the song was dedicated to you.

you tried so hard to push away all the memories of him since he reappeared in your life and to have him come barging in once again, at your place of comfort, felt like you were being cornered. you loved him, truly you did love him a lot. but how could you forget all the hurt and pain he's caused you?

"oh, i know i'm probably much too late to try and apologise for my mistakes~"

"jongseong i—i'm gonna go, i can't do this right now," you quickly untie your apron, walking out the bar and straight to the exit, ignoring the worried look donghyuck sent from where he was taking orders at the moment. jay looked at jisoo, shaking his head in disappointment at the older woman. he respected her a lot but he couldn't believe this happened.

he takes a glance around the cafe, figuring jisoo and donghyuck could handle by themselves as the crowd seemed to be dying down. he shares a look with the older boy, the older telling him to hurry and find you. jay didn't care if jisoo scolds him later for leaving mid-shift, all that mattered to him right now was you.

sitting outside a random convenience store near your old college, you hear the chair scrape beside you. a familiar, comforting scent invaded your space. you sigh, looking down at your cup of mint chocolate ice cream.

"how ya feeling, bub?" jay scoots closer, lowering his head to look at your face. "how'd you find me, jjongie?"

"am i really your best friend if i don't know where you go when you're running away from all your problems?" he states matter-of-factly and you lift your head up to finally look at him. his cocky expression turns soft once he sees your face.

"come 'ere," he forcefully pulls you into him, not saying anything when he felt the collar of his shirt get wetter. you bury your face in his neck as he soothingly strokes your hair.

"why would he come back, jjongie?" you sob out, completely breaking apart in his arms. jay doesn't say anything, opting to just rub your back and let you cry all you want. he hasn't seen you in this state since your last boyfriend broke up with you. even then it wasn't this bad.

he gritted his teeth at the thought of lee heeseung. not only did the boy leave you at your happiest moment, it took you so long to build back trust towards those who truly loved and cared for you. and now that you were happy and content with life, he comes back ruining everything for you.

lee heeseung was lucky jay had to run off to find you. he was sure if he even got to interact with him one minute, the older wouldn't dare show up anywhere near odd atelier.

"shh, don't think about it, bubs. i'll make sure he doesn't come back, okay? now finish your toothpaste ice cream, i know you hate ice cream soup," you pout as he lifts your chin up to wipe the stray tears that fell. "i'm kidding," he grins, finding you adorable.

"you left work to find me?" you question the boy, stirring the melted ice cream around with the little spoon before finally putting it away on the table. "'course i did," he crosses one leg over the other and leans back, resting one arm on the back of your chair. "how will they manage? it's a saturday night,"

"they'll be fine. hyuck told me to find you, he's gonna bring our stuff over after shift so we can stay here for as long as you need until you're ready to go, okay?" you feel your heart warm at this. you were so lucky to be surrounded by people who care about you as much as your friends do.

you lean closer to the boy, resting your head on his shoulders. "thank you, jongseong."

jay has heard you call him that his whole life so why now, did his heart flutter? you two have had sleepovers and have slept in the same bed a million times before so why now, does he feel flustered at the proximity?

"anything for you, bubs."

prev | m.list | next

synopsis. in which you work at odd atelier cafe and can only make hearts in your lattes, causing a certain boy to misunderstand your intentions..... then he brings his friends and chaos ensues.

author's note. double update cuz u guys deserve it 🥹 neways i saw nct dream for two nights the past weekend and im having major pcd plzzzzz i miss them

taglist (open): @semisemirin1i82 @txtmetonight @ilyjxdz @miniature-tragedy @n1k1mura @t00miee @manooffline @aerivrs @saranghaohoshi @woninluv @moony-mari @nctsshoes2 @sunghoonnsupremacy @mnxnii @lisaswifey @enhy4me2 @en-chantedtomeetyou @enhypenlovre @hwangism143

[jesssssssssica]

are we still friends? cl16

“i think that we should end this”

i knew the end was near a while back, i mean did he not think i’d seen the way he would look at my friends, the same way he used to look at me when we were just two teenagers in love who thought they could take on the whole world together. 

i miss those days a lot.  

“oh okay.”

i think he expected a much bigger reaction from me, i mean at least i think by the surprised expression he bears at my short answer. i don’t know why he thought i would give him much more than a one sentence answer though because i know if the roles were reversed he would be the exact same, maybe he would only just utter ‘okay’. 

does he expect me to empty my heart out and beg for a second chance? to say that he was the best thing i had because he isn’t, i have a life outside of him, or does he think that when i’m not attending races with him i’m crying in my room, missing his presence? i don’t know what goes on in his mind. 

i will miss him though.

i’ll miss waking up to the sunlight shining down on his face, highlighting his features as he lightly snores against the pillow.

i’ll miss christmas and spending it with his family, waking up on christmas morning and trotting downstairs, laughter echoing around the living room as we all exchange gifts.

i’ll miss his stupid accent struggling to pronounce words.

i really will miss him but if it’s really meant to be then maybe one day, whilst i’m sitting down in some random cafe i’ve stumbled across, i’ll look across the room and spot him and only then will i realise that we’re meant to be but until then we will have to part way-

“hey y/n, i hope we can still be friends.”

what.

the.

hell.

how can he ask that when he knows that in a weeks time he’ll find himself in the arms of someone i called a friend?

if i had the strength i would ask him ‘can we be friends?’ but i’m afraid that a sob might escape me instead.

is he an idiot? he had the perfect chance to just leave and get on with his normal life and yet he has my mind working a mile a minute. surely he realises that we would never work as just friends, i’d be petty that you moved on so quickly which would then cause you to make a snide comment about me which would then make me throw my drink on you and then yeah…. not the greatest friendship.

if we were still friends, i wouldn’t shake your hand or say hello or laugh at your jokes, i would probably just smile at you once or twice, though you’d be able to tell that the smile doesn’t quite reach my eyes, causing your mood to damper but i know even after that you won’t give up. 

so why, when you know the truth, do you still want to be friends? just say your goodbyes not ‘see you soon’ or ‘smell you later’ because that means you hope we have another chapter, so just say goodbye and walk away. 

i don’t exactly like you right now charles, but i’d rather we didn’t end this on bad terms. 

i look up, only just remembering the other presence in the room, somehow ignoring his beady eyes on my face. 

he stares at me, waiting anxiously for my answer, so i just shake my head. 

“no charles, we can’t.”

his shoulders sag and he walks away into the night. 

i never saw him after that. 

i wonder what could’ve been.

authors note: i’m gonna cry, i’m going back into my short pieces again :(((

[katnisspeetaprim]

B.S Standards pt.1

Kim namjoon/Reader

Summary: Ever since moving to Korea to be with Namjoon, the high standards for beauty have been taking a toll on your self esteem...

Warnings: Body image, swearing, over exercising, vomiting, pregnancy

Word Count: 1728 M.list

Before moving to Korea you never had any issues with the way you looked or even your weight. You knew you weren’t the skinniest girl in the world, but you still loved yourself. That was until you moved to Korea and found that most high street stores didn’t even carry your size. This caused you to pretty much have an internal breakdown, having not realised just how strict their beauty and weight standards were before hand.

Namjoon had been amazing, doing his best to make you feel better about the situation. He was silently cursing himself for not having the foresight to warn you about the sizing in stores, not having really had to deal with it himself. He’s always been skinny so it just wasn’t something he needed to worry about.

‘Babe if they don’t have your size then we don’t need to give them business.’ He’d reason with you with you as you stormed out of another store, embarrassed beyond belief.

‘Besides, there are so many online options! Will you stop!?’ Namjoon had to jog to keep up with you, having to grab your arm to force you to a stop.

‘That’s not the point Joon!’ You snapped, taking him by surprise when you ripped your arm from his grasp.

‘It’s humiliating to be told point blank I’m too big to shop somewhere...’ Your voice got softer as you spoke, defeat clear in your tone as the emotions finally caught up to you. Namjoons face softened when he saw just how much this was effecting you. To him, you were beautiful, the most perfect woman, and it was breaking his heart that his own countries standards were making you doubt that. He glanced around and noticed that you had caught a few peoples attention with your outburst. Namjoon took your shoulder and quickly guided you to a more secluded section of the street before speaking.

‘Listen to me.’ He was stern as he grabbed your hands. You refused to meet his gaze, trying hard not to cry.

‘You don’t need these high end fancy clothes to be beautiful. If these places wont even cater to bigger sizes, then they aren’t worth your time.’ He gently tilted your chin up so he could see your face.

‘Should I try to loose weight?’ You mumbled meekly, eyes watering as the question fell from your lips.

‘Hey! I don’t want to hear you speak like that!’ Namjoon snapped, immediately wanting to shut that down. Your eyes widened at his harsh tone.

‘If you want to loose weight, you do it for you! Not some bullshit standard!’ he grasped your arms tightly as he spoke, more tightly than you are sure he meant to. He knew he may have been a little sharp, but it was what you needed to hear.

‘I do want to do it for myself...’ You trailed off, trying to convince yourself more than anything. Namjoon thought over your words for a few moments before sighing, releasing your arms to rub at his face.

‘If that’s what you truly want, then let me help you.’

Over the next few months, you had been working overtime in the gym. You had basically taken over a spare room in yours and Namjoons home and turned it into a home gym, spending more money than you wanted to admit to. You’d bought all different kinds of workout machines, not even really knowing how to use most of them when they arrived, but you quickly managed to figure it all out thanks to helpful YouTube tutorials. It would have been a lot cheaper to just get a gym membership, Namjoon had even offered to introduce you to his gym, but that would mean working out whilst other people, strangers, were present. Whilst you knew that other gym goes most likely wouldn’t pay you any mind, you didn’t want to deal with the anxiety that would come with a public gym.

Namjoon had been supportive of you trying to loose weight. He’d even been helping you just like he said he would, joining you for your workout’s and giving you different sets to work through that worked well for him in the past. He would then always make sure that you were eating properly afterwards too.

You definately noticed the difference, already dropping a whole dress size thanks to your nearly constant exercise over the past few months and not to mention the dieting, but it wasn’t enough for you yet... You needed to fit into those clothes that you couldn’t before.

‘Y/N?’ There was a light knocking on the door to  your gym. Pausing your workout, you turned to see Namjoon pushing through the door.

‘You’re still working out? Have you not stopped since I left earlier?’ Namjoons face scrunched up in concern as he checked the time on his watch. He had to run to his studio earlier to help Yoongi out with a new track. He popped his head into the room before he left so he knew you were working out for a while already. He had been gone for around 2 hours so he had expected you to be finished and showered up by now, but here you still were.

‘I took a short break, but I’m not done yet.’ You were breathing heavily as you spoke, exhaustion winning you over. You cringed as you caught sight of yourself in the mirror. Your face was beat red and drenched with sweat, not to mention your hair, which was sticking out in all different angles.

Your whole body ached, all you wanted to do was rest and relax. It didn’t help that you were also feeling nauseous all day, but you knew you had to push through it. You took a step towards your weights, when suddenly your head became fuzzy, causing you to loose balance and nearly toppling over.

‘Y/N!’ Namjoon was quick on his feet as he rushed to steady you.

‘This has gone too far. You need to rest.’ He demanded, not willing to take no for an answer. He grasped onto you tightly, almost fully holding you up by your arms.

‘I’ve been feeling so tired and sick the past few days...’ You trailed off, finally giving in to your body. A pained groan slipped from your mouth and you grasped your forehead as a wave of pain shot through.

‘And you’re making yourself worse by pushing so hard.’ He shook his head as he lead you towards the bedroom.

‘I think I’m gonna be sick!’ You suddenly blurted out, pushing away from him roughly and darting to the toilet, just as bile began to build up in your throat. You made it just in time to let out the contents of your stomach into the toilet.

You felt Namjoon come up behind you and start rubbing your back as you continued to throw up.

‘Maybe you should see a doctor Y/N, this isn’t good.’ Namjoon was no longer angry, now he was just worried. Surly over exercising wouldn’t cause you to throw up like this, so something else must be going on.

‘No, no doctor. I’ll be fine.’ You forced out before another wave of vomit came up. Namjoon decided to let it go for now, knowing there was no use arguing with you when you were like this. For now, he would do his best to make sure you were taken care of.

You weren’t fine, in fact over the next few days, the vomiting and fatigue only got worse. After almost a week of this with no signs of stopping, Namjoon suggested that you take a pregnancy test.

‘You can’t be serious Joon!’ You stared at him wide eyed as you sat up in bed.

‘I’m dead serious.’ He stared down at you, face hard and unmoving. ‘When you refused to see a doctor I looked up your symptoms and it makes sense.’ You rolled your eyes as he explained but you said nothing, not wanting to believe that what he was saying could be true.

‘Please just humour me Y/N.’ You looked over to see him pulling a home test out of a pharmacy bag. You stared at the test in disbelief.

‘Joon are you insane!? What if someone saw you buying that?’ You exclaimed.

‘I don’t care about that, just please.’ He pleads with you , holding out the test for you to take. You looked at it for a moment before sighing in defeat. Using the small amount of energy you had left, you forced your way out of bed and snatched the test from his hand.

‘Wait out here.’ You grumbled as you walked into the en suit bathroom. Namjoon just nodded, not wanting to push his luck since he’d finally gotten you to agree.

He took a seat on the edge of the bed and dropped his head into his hands. Neither of you had really talked about having children. It was like a silent agreement between the two of you that focusing on your careers was the most important thing right now. Though Namjoon couldn’t stop the small smile appearing at the thought of having a baby with you.

He hadn’t even noticed you leaving the bathroom until the test was thrust into his line of sight. He jumped back and glanced up at you, unable to read your expression, before looking back down to the test. 2 pink lines stared back at him.

‘I guess you were right.’ You trailed off nervously, not really sure what to think in that moment.

Namjoon stared at the test, mouth agape, before transforming into the biggest grin possible. He was up in a flash and pulling you into the tightest hug, taking you by surprise.

‘Y/N this is amazing news!’ You could tell from his tone of voice that he was over the moon. You had always thought that you wanted kids, but now that you had worked so hard to loose all your weight, you couldn’t help but think about how you were about to put it all back on.

‘Yeah...’ You whispered back, wrapping your arms round his neck. More to comfort yourself, rather than a happy embrace. You couldn’t let him know you were upset. You wouldn’t let your own insecurity ruin his chance at having a happy family...

[danwhobrowses]

One Piece Chapter 1113 - Initial Thoughts

It is time

One Piece is back again and the big announcement is almost underway. The Gorosei are circling though, much of the Straw Hats are cornered, will the revelation turn the tide?

Let's find out

Spoilers for the Chapter, Support the Official Release too!

A chess-themed colour spread this time; Robin playing chess with the crew as chess pieces

Contrary to the message the King should not be the attacking piece but other than that I did find it funny that Usopp is a Bishop with a bow and arrow, this cleric does harm!

Also lil Chopper pawns!

Picking up where we left off, Markus Mars has been stopped in awe of a sight in Punk Records

The remains of Vegapunk's humungous brain, as big or maybe even bigger than a giant, kept in a pod and still working even after his death

Mars does wonder if this is more Vegapunk's true self, which I guess if it has his brain it's probably the main part that's biologically living

People around the world brace themselves though

Syrup Village! Kaya, Merry and the old Usopp Pirates get a cameo

Despite her wealth being enough for Kuro to plan a murder/retirement spree, they do not have a Video Den Den Mushi

Though it seems like it's more size than price, and Kaya is already keen to hear what Vegapunk is saying, given his role in the medical field

Also lil' Merry details on the Den Den Mushi

The Marines are monitoring it too

Laboon and Crocus cameo!

And we even get to go to Baldimore, birthplace of Vegapunk

Some dialogue from the group that found Franky during the separation too

'I heard he's turned himself into a ship now' XD because of the bounty poster, and the bad timeline SBS image maybe, though I still think we could in the future get a Sunny mecha

Also got Chopper's bird and medic island listening in

The tribespeople even know about Vegapunk, they call him a 'king of modern science'

Even despite the Garp and SWORD attack, some pirates from Fullalead are listening in - some still wanna fight each other though

Mars tries to stamp out the Den Den Mushi, but it's of course a fake! It shatters to reveal just another regular Den Den Mushi

Fooled again motherfucker!

Vegapunk does introductions once more but now everyone wants him to get on with it XD

For the most part the more obscure world shots seem somewhat familiar, I couldn't tell what the rainy place was but it could be Water 7, the other one looked a bit familiar, the Longarm place looks like to have Brook's old talent agents too

But this campfire one, a child is hushed back to sleep by their likely mother, they're in tipi tents, what's interesting is the other person there, almost like Oda's pulling something sneaky

Through their collective telepathy, Mars announces his failure, it was a decoy so they have no leads

They wonder what Vegapunk intends to say, fearing that he'll carry on what Clover started before he was silenced

Back to Sanji and he hears a woman's scream

Bonney is being targeted by V. Nusjuro, Franky standing between them but Sanji demands to be the white knight

He jumps off the sword to kick him in the jaw

By comparison V. Nusjuro is pretty damn huge

His body sets on fire - fitting to his Yokai lore - but then the horse's head comes out to bite Sanji

Lots of crackling of bones, I wonder if his Healing Factor is still a thing

As Oimo and Kashii tackle V. Nusjuro (about the same size as them), Vegapunk's broadcast begins, admitting to committing two grave sins

Bonney turns into a giant with her fruit to attack V. Nusjuro, who has returned to his hybrid form

Vegapunk's broadcast admits that he is likely to be executed, and that this broadcast would start when his heart has stopped

Sabaody reacts first, realising that this means Vegapunk is dead

Duval has trouble processing this, since the news said that he was a hostage for the Straw Hats

Caesar's also mad, he and Judge went through that whole cover story alliance for nothing, so now they can promptly fuck off

And Morgans is angry because Vegapunk is giving BIG NEWS without him like it's not in his name

Interestingly, Vegapunk is quick to state that his killers should not be portrayed as 'evil' - because they're looking pretty damn evil to me

It seems maybe this is because he expects Luffy to have been pinned as to blame for his death, though it could be scanlations saying 'him'

Saturn faces off with the Labophase group, demanding they move away

Saturn and Robin however recognize one another, Robin from his voice back in Ohara and Saturn by her image

Seems Saturn blames Akainu directly for Robin's escape, I mean he did blow up the hostage ship but still, there were more marines out there

He goes to attack Robin, so all the other Straw Hats go into protection mode

Brook cuts a few limbs, but worryingly Chopper blocked some with his Guard Point - those limbs are poisonous remember? Though it's impressive that he could suppress a claw that could go straight through Kuma

Nami also remembers that she can use Zeus to block attacks

Mars is still on recon, but his senses can't pick up any 'telepathic waves' - wonder if that's a Haki feat or something relative to the Gorosei's shared thoughts?

York is also having trouble figuring out where the Stella would've put it, since her position as a Celestial Dragon is on the line

Vegapunk's about to deliver his mission statement, which is putting the Gorosei into a panic

Mars considers blowing up the entire place, but Saturn and Warcury are weighing it against the possible losses; men, equipment, and any chance of recreating the Mother Flame

Wait. What?

"Our World...is going to sink into the ocean!"

Well you can't deny it: Global Warming is Real.

It's not just Water Seven and Aqua Laguna then, it's all going to sink, there's a lot of thematic consequences to that when you think about it.

Did the World Government ostracize the Fish-Men because of this? Knowing that they would inherit the world? Does this have any connection to Devil Fruits and why the Ocean really saps their strength? Did the ancient kingdom like Old Wano sink to the bottom of the sea?

It begets a lot of questions, in true Oda fashion.

The rest of the chapter was a lot more jam-packed than the last, even without Luffy. The carried tension of the announcement is followed by Saturn and V. Nusjuro's confrontations with the crew, giants and Bonney. As expected, Sanji took on V. Nusjuro, the hit didn't seem to do much in the long term as expected, though I kinda wish Franky also got a hit in but the extent of his own injuries is worth wondering.

I'm glad the Labophase crew are stepping up against Saturn, at least until the expected arrival of Zoro and Jinbe, but it does show their furthered growth versus Enies Lobby if they can successfully repel Saturn from Robin - her injury being validated by this scene, though I still wish we saw a flashback of the Straw Hats vs Seraphim and them uncovering York as the traitor.

Still it's bad PR from the Straw Hats either way, they're likely to be accused of killing Vegapunk, who was last deemed their hostage by the fake news machine (is Morgans still going to Egghead? I mean with Vivi with him we continue to tease a reunion), and while Punk Records still has a chance to live on this is definitely going to be something each crewmate will have to re-evaluate given the bigger picture. Still, that can come after getting off the island; Edison and the Sleeping Giant are still at play after all, Stussy still needs to release the barrier, it's looking more likely that we might finish up around 1120.

Still there has to be more to the announcement, if Vegapunk was waiting for a video display it means that there are visuals to corroborate his revelation - I wonder if the Gorosei are more open to this reveal coming out than what they expected with the Ancient Kingdom reveal they destroyed Ohara for? Like did Vegapunk dupe the WG into Buster Calling Egghead over a reveal they didn't care much for? He mentioned two grave sins too so there seems to be much more to his announcement than just the opening statement.

[dent-de-leon]

Obsessed with the idea of Molly being terrified of Lucien, wanting nothing to do with him and insisting that that person is dead because he was scared that Lucien just naturally desired to be cruel and that was something he never ever wanted.

But then Lucien comes back and Molly realising that Lucien largely doesnt WANT to be cruel. But he's been so warped by pain and fear that he thinks that control and possession and manipulation is the only way to keep people from hurting you.

And Molly is like "Oh honey no.... let's get you some therapy."

Molly never wanted to be cruel, ever. But helping someone in pain learn to open up to gentleness and vulnerability? To show kindness? That scares him a lot less and it's what finally leads to their peace. To Kingsley.

Acknowledging and healing Lucien's pain and fear allowed them both to be better

yES!! Mollymauk is so haunted by the little glimpses he sees of Lucien's past, lives in constant fear of those terrifying moments when another life bleeds through. "Whoever it was came to that end, and I want nothing to do with that. Whatever it was, it doesn't feel good when I--when something creeps through, I don't like it. I don't want anything to do with it. I was happy! I liked the circus! The circus was great!"

He crawled his way out of an unmarked grave and woke all alone in the world, reaching for a red moon in the dark. He's always been aware just how fragile his life is, afraid that he'd be sent back to the grave, that his charmed little life at the circus could be torn away from him at any moment--as could his loved ones, like Lestera.

Mollymauk always seemed to believe his time was short, so he always tries to make the most of it. Which involved running away from the past--from anything that could shatter the tentative peace he tried so hard to keep. Whoever Lucien was, Molly knows just enough to instinctively fear him, to believe that all his loved ones would abandon him if they ever knew the truth. During the Zone of Truth, he confesses that, "A lot of this was in the hopes that maybe it would never happen; keep moving, keep quiet."

So I can't agree more--watching Mollymauk face his greatest fear, seeing him finally confront Lucien after all this time--and he's still kind and compassionate enough to try and help him? After everything he did? It's such a pleasant surprise, and just a testament to his character and bleeding heart. I don't think there's many people who'd be able to look at this dark mirror of themselves and have the capacity for love and forgiveness that Molly does.

But of course Mollymauk still wants to help him, still genuinely cares for him. It's, "That's not how we are, Lucien. We love broken things the most." And, "I know what the others think, but the truth is...How do I put this...The world is harsh and cruel, and I don't seem to be able to just walk on by. You see a wrong? You fix it." He saw how much Lucien was suffering, he saw just how painfully alike they are--that they were both "broken," shattered souls--and he couldn't just leave him. He couldn't. Mollymauk just can't bear to abandon someone, and it breaks my heart.

And I think a big part of Lucien's fall also stems from just how much self loathing and disgust he wallowed in, how he clings so desperately to the idea he has this "glint." That he was meant for bigger, better things, that he's somehow fated for so much more--that there's an escape from his painful, bloodstained past in Shadycreek. I think Beau really struck a nerve when she asked, "Do you think you're special, Lucien? I mean, someone who wakes up every day, and thinks they're different, blessed." Because god, he wants to be. He wants to be someone capable and powerful and worthy, craves it more than anything, even as he keeps running away.

He holds onto a stack of letters from his sister that he absolutely treasures, yet he doesn't dare answer any of them--too paralyzed with fear at what she'd think, terrified she'd see the person he'd become. He thinks he's not good enough to go back to her, has nothing at all to offer her. And I think that's part of why he bought into the Somnovem so quickly; he was desperate for a way out. A chance to be more. He needs to have this glint Cree mentioned, because then there's still hope. He can still be someone fortunate enough to take care of his sister, to get them away from Shadycreek forever. He can still be one of the heroes in the little plays he used to perform. He can still change his fate. And, most tempting of all, he can bring his family back.

And it's so sad that his self-depreciation and guilt started so young, that even as a child, he was tormented by all the atrocities his parents forced him to be complicit in. Until Lucien couldn't bear what they'd turned him into anymore, and he makes sure they can't hurt anyone else ever again. "After a while I couldn't let it go on, couldn't look at myself or live with myself, so I burned the caravan with all three of them inside, took my sister, and that was that...No more little songs. No more farces."

Mollymauk is fascinating, because he's another facet of Lucien. He was born from the very same soul. So in one sense, I think Molly reconnecting with Lucien is so beautiful, because it really does feel like a kind of self love and acceptance. But in another way, I think they're almost like family too. It really struck me that Kingsley called Molly a "brother;" just the way that he said, "Everyone should have a brother." It's such a sweet sentiment, especially considering that Lucien had a brother--someone he lost so long ago.

A corpse left buried in the snow. An empty puppet. A hollow, ghastly reminder of the person he once knew. Lucien had a brother, and they were killed, their body desecrated by their own parents. He had a sister, who he was willing to sacrifice everything for, and it still wasn't enough. In the end, even she doesn't trust him anymore, and he's entirely alone. So then here's Molly, and he does the one thing that Aldreda and the rest of his family never did. He decides to stay with Lucien. To reach a hand to him when he needs it the most.

In many ways, Molly is the family that Lucien always wished for. Ironically? If they actually were siblings, I think Lucien would've been very protective of him. Even as things are, Lucien still starts to grow a bit fond of Mollymauk in spite of himself. Starts to slowly regret the life he'd taken from him, as loathe as he is to admit it. "Nothing about this has been easy, and our hard work is at an end. Our chats have been...edifying. Goodbye, Tealeaf. You won't survive where I'm going."

I do think the end of the novel really did reassure me about a lot of why I found C2 heartbreaking, because I like that Molly and Lucien both decided to come back together. That it was a choice they both made, and they both live on as Kingsley. It's Molly getting another chance and yet deciding to bring Lucien back with him, because Molly thinks he deserves it too. It's neither of them being alone. It's both of them returning to the Nein, hand in hand, and deciding to try again--

[twopoppies]

Hello darling Gina. Re the Harry anon, I admit I did/do feel like he ‘sold out’ a bit when he went solo. I felt like, we’ve followed you since XF, we voted for you and loved and followed the band etc etc and now you’re in the states and didn’t even come to the UK on first tour, and next tour he did several stops in many states and then like three stops in the whole of the UK (I might be wrong on these dates, going by what I remember).

H doesn’t owe me anything but I did feel let down. Lou on the other hand seemed more in touch with the UK fan base. I’m back here after years away so things might have changed, I just wanted to air my thoughts. Again, none of them owe me anything and I realise that but I can’t help how I feel x

Hi, love. Welcome back.

So… You can’t help how you feel, but I would suggest removing your personal hurt feelings from the matter. You say he doesn’t owe you anything, but obviously you feel he does. Which is fine. But acknowledging that makes a difference.

If you’re able to remove your idea of what you think he “should have” done, some of the issues and expenses that go into mounting a world wide tour might be a little more apparent.

Harry’s first album was given a ton of money for promo. But the first leg of the tour was very small and I’d bet it was focused on the US in part because breaking through here goes a longer way toward establishing an artist for long term success. It’s also possible they wanted to work out some of the kinks before they took the show overseas and to bigger venues. It also was only 13 shows before the second leg began and he went through Europe with the UK being the third through sixth shows on that leg. So I don’t really get what you’re saying where Live On Tour is concerned.

As for the second tour, we were at the tail end of the pandemic. He started in the US most likely because it was a hell of a lot simpler to travel through the contiguous United States in terms of permits and legalities related to performing during a pandemic than it would have been trying to do the same traveling through numerous cities in numerous countries.

Taking it as a personal affront or a sign that he doesn’t care about the support from UK fans over the years just seems nonsensical to me. I get the disappointment that you didn’t get that part of the tour. Absolutely. But the UK isn’t the only place that didn’t get a tour of Fine Line. It’s generally a major stop for every artist. Including him. And the short stint for Fine Line never would have happened if Covid hadn’t thrown everything out of whack. And if Covid hadn’t happened he wouldn’t have released Harry’s House right after that Fine Line mini tour, but it had been years since he’d released new music and I’m sure the label was chomping at the bit to make some more money. I just don’t see a reason to look at the situation and label it as Harry not caring about his UK fans.

As for Louis, I think being “in touch with his UK fan base” is a major part of his brand. I don’t think it’s disingenuous, but it’s obvious to me that he’d lean into it and do more shows in more areas because he had a much longer run of small venues than Harry did.

I also think it’s just pointless to compare. IMO, a British artist having lots of shows in the UK doesn’t necessarily mean he loves and is thankful to the UK fans any more than another artist. And there are always numerous factors involved in where shows are booked.

In reference to this.

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