#the way that 10 who is constantly in motion sits still and has honest conversations with him even in a dead spaceship locked in orbit

[cheese-rat29]

thinking about 10 and wilfred…

[tamoria]

Tamore Chapter One, part one. “Not like this.” Tadg states through gritted teeth, jaw clenched and eyes piercing. He is growing frustrated with their disagreements. I know this expression well. It is the same as the face he wore often during our first 10 years - stubborn and difficult as I was. I see it less now, I’ve learnt when to push and when to placate him. “The battle of Cill Rogha only resulted in gales, this is more and we must face it. He will let them bicker back and forth a while. I keep myself aside from the raucous conversation, the three other draoi speaking over one another, each sure they themselves are the observant and clear minded amongst fools.

  Muireann turns away from The other two men, Cathasach and Eogan and speaks to Tadg, “It is possible the fields have shifted, as they did in Damhin once before.” Immediately Cathasach rebuts her, he has been a loyal follower of Tadg’s for many years, truthful and honest with his voice. “Muireann, think a moment. The fields take many cycles to move any noticeable distance. We ourselves have shifting fields constantly but never have they caused this.” Eogan, who trains under Muireann, speaks loud and fumbling in her defense, leading the conversation back into chaos as insults start being thrown. Muireann is much younger than Tadg and believes herself sharper of mind for it. She revels in the idea of him being batty with old age and thus no longer suitable as the high druid - she would be a much better leader for our people, of course. She thinks this mainly because she is the batty one. She wears her dark hair wild and unbraided, like a storm cloud floating around her head. She has only one tunic, coloured yellow with bright dandelion dye, always ripped and mended. Even during Beltane, when we gather in droves to make our pilgrimages to the wells amongst the hills. All of us in our pure whites, billowing in the wind - there she is, in her yellow tunic with her hair as wild as the mountains. Her young apprentice, Eoghan has suffered under her teaching, leaving him years behind in his training. I do not envy him, it will be a long time before he can take a title. It matters little to him, he still looks and acts like a boy, so eager and taken up with being one of the great sorcerers that he has not yet realised he never will be. He agrees with everything she said, as I might have expected. “Muireann is right, in Damhin the storms battered villages as far as half a day’s walking. It was months before they regained control and learnt the new field.” Eoghan speaks quickly, determined to make his voice count. He truly believes what he is saying is worth listening to. Muireann nods along, only encouraging him Muireann speaks again, continuing on from his point, “The fields have shifted and Feada losing control of the breeze merely tipped the scales. It is unlucky for her but easily avoidable for the more capable among us.” She shoots a pointed look at me and I stare back, teeth gritted to stop myself putting her in her place. She must be further from sanity than I had thought if she considers herself more ‘capable’ than I. The hours she spends breathing in the fumes over her putrid health potions must be going to her head. Tadg has been warning of this for many cycles and they know he is right but refuse to acknowledge it for fear of what will happen next. I know him, I trust his judgement and I have spent my training preparing for this very situation. There will be a reckoning and I will be called to lead, there is an evil lurking in the new sect and they want to see the old ways - the people in this room, destroyed. I will force them across the sea, back to where they came from by my own hand if no one else will stand. They have displeased the Mother Goddess and they have displeased me. Tadg stands and clears his throat, the group suddenly silent. “You will listen.” he says, his voice quiet and firm, he knows they will listen. “The new sect has landed on our shores as I saw they would. They travel by tall boat from far across the Grey Sea. They bring magic as dark as the night and a vow to destroy our ways.” There is a distinct murmuring from Muireann’s corner accompanied by a shuffle of discomfort. Tadg continues regardless. “They do not follow Danu or her children and strive only for her blood, the storms that draw waves hard onto our shores and batter our villages are the Mother Goddess fighting back. Denying them a place on our land. Across our island our ancestors are fighting, but they can no longer walk amongst us so we must stand for them, we must raise our hands and our voices to these savages lest they trample us into the dirt. We will bring down the wrath from above, the arrows from our bows and the strength of our voices. We will make them flee. They will turn, tails between their legs and scamper back to their boats. We will uphold our values and be merciful as they run like scared field mice.” The quiet whispers, fidgeting and overall disrespect for Tadg’s leadership has faded somewhat. They are unsure still but they respect him and know he is set on a course. “Feada will lead as she has been trained to. Eoghan will accompany her.” Muireann looks up in shock. “The rest of us will stay at our posts, we need strength and consistency here at home, our people cannot fear for us. I have spoken, it is so.” ———————————————————————————————————– I walk through the village, smiling brightly at anyone who passes me. The farmers are making their way in from the fields, aching and looking forward to hot meals, their horses and donkeys just as tired. Their wives and mothers squatting low beside fires, making simple stews, enriched with the warmth and comfort the men need.. There are occasional traders from Corlea passing through with fine new tools and knick knacks. The trees above me sway with the sound of my heartbeat and footsteps, whispering my name in triumph. The long grass yields to me, bent at the knee. The river cheers me on as it gushes past. There have been days like this before - where belonging breathes in me and I can see ahead. Today I am a leader, I can bring peace and balance in my own name. I do not stand behind powerful men. The sky is bright blue, the clouds respectfully avoiding coming too close to the sun and blocking her. All around I can see my land bow before me. I come to the small hut, bright and warm from the central fire, I shut the door quickly to keep the heat in and make my way to a free log space near the fire. “Feada!” A familiar voice shouts from behind me, I turn to see Bridget. She motions her daughter, Saoirse to the cooking pot she has been attending and walks to me, smiling warmly as she starts chattering away. “How was your day, love? I heard a rumour of a meeting of the drui, true?” Bridget is my mother’s eldest sister, she is head of our home and likes to know all of our goings on. I nod in answer to her question, “Yes, we gathered today. I am to meet with the king. Tadg requested I take a trip to the near villages, I’ll be gone till the new moon, maybe longer.” She looks concerned and checks over her shoulder for anyone standing too near or looking particularly interested in our conversation. Her voice drops down, still a regular speaking volume but quiet relative to before. “The near villages? As far as Cullahill then?” These are homely people, they do not long for violence the way some do. Rather, many of them, Bridget included, fear it. Our clan has always been a peaceful one, We have rarely been the ones to light the torch fire. “There has been no word of fighting - do not fret. I have been sent to help rebuild after the storms, to discover if they need any additional aid from the king, that is all” She looks at me closely, suspicious that I am withholding something, and displeased she will not know the whole truth. I say, “You’re getting paranoid in your old age.” Mostly to change the subject, take her mind of the seemingly impending doom. She observes me a minute longer, eyes narrowed slightly, my words not shaking her resolve. Then she seems to consciously put it aside and with a small shrug she breaks into a smile. “Let’s get you sorted then. You can hardly stand before the king as you are!” She chuckles and I follow her to my small section of the hut, my bed and chest lined up against the wall, my half-staff leaning where I left it - they all know touching it could cost them a broken nose if I found out. I open the dark chest at the base of my small bed, a gift from my mother when she learned I was to be Tadg’s student. She had smiled so sweetly, a hand on my cheek, “Soon you will know the forests better than I.” She had said, a small sadness in her voice, the weight of a pebble sitting between us. I smooth my hands along it, feeling the familiar knots and corners of it. It has more corners than most chests. The heavy lid creaks as I lift it and I think once again that I should get some fat to quieten it. Bridget echoes my thoughts aloud, “your box is squeaking, love, I’ll gather you some fat after we eat. I know your mother would be tutting” I chuckle and thank her as I reach in, pushing everyday tunics aside to find my ceremony wear that sits at the bottom. I need to look my best tonight. I need the high king’s approval and he leads more with his eyes than his head. I pull my long whites out, turning to Bridget for her approval. “Pass them here,” she says, hand outstretched. She looks them over, checking seems.The long white robes drip from her arms, they are heavy and at times impractical but they have always been soft against my skin. The light from the fire dances over them. Eventually she decides they’ll do, or maybe she just knows that I don’t have anything else. ———————————————————————————————————– A guard pushes the tall wooden door open and I walk through, feeling as though I am floating .. Dropping into a low curtsy before the king, I smile broadly; I am where I should be and I will be listened to. There are only a few people in the room and as I rise he waves all but his closest counsel, Uallas, out of the room. I stand confident, straight-backed. . The young king greets me, “Good Evening Feada.” “Good Evening,” I say, my chin high It has not been long since he took the throne from his father. The battle at Clontarin had left him one-eyed. An unfit man is an unfit king so the honour was passed to his son, Daire. “I have read the letter sent by Tadg mac Nuadat. Do you have anything of your own to add?” He is revered as a kind and fair king, and though young, he makes sound choices. Much unlike his father before him. “I do. As you know I have spent much of my training preparing for the very situation we now find ourselves facing. I am not afraid of them, I know what is to be done and will not hesitate to stand before them. I am the thing they must fear.” His eyes move from my face and slowly down my body, taking me in, sizing me up. They dart quickly back to my face. With a small smile and a nod he says, “You need not try to convince me Feada. My name and my men are behind you in your endeavours.” I breathe deeply and thank him, relieved I did not have to fight for his approval. “You are right,” he continues, “this is necessary. I have my conditions though Feada, we will be cautious, visit Fourcuil and Reen first to collect information. We will keep this from our people, you will travel with three trained soldiers of your choosing as well as your fellow druid. No one else may know the breadth of our endeavors. We cannot allow word to get to them before we do. Once you have visited the villages you will return and report directly to me before you venture further.” He looks at me, right at me, with eyebrows raised. I lower my head slowly, head bent as I say, “Yes, I understand. I thank you again, humbly.” His face has softened when I sneak a glance. “That is all then.” He says, turning back to his fire. “Uallas, see Feada out.” ———————————————————————————————————– I dress quickly, practical and warm today rather than the frivolities of yesterday. My brown bratt, though older and much more worn than it’s red russet sibling, it is also thick and much warmer. It lies better across my shoulders, probably given I am rarely seen without it. It will serve me well today, the wind starting to rattle at the door. The training fields stretch out over a few hundred paces around the king’s buildings. Flat and well drained they are used for training year round with pauses for festival weeks. They are kept free of livestock and as much as possible - from too much mud or flooding. It’s well known that Daire enjoys watching training from the high windows. Today there is a double line of men and women, hands at their sides, awaiting instruction. They are all kinds, young, old, tall and wide. I walk slowly along, taking them in. I will spend the majority of the day watching them and try to decide on three by evening meal. I dismiss them with a hand wave, watching them disperse to archery targets, swords and horses. Their master, Fiachra, stands with me adding small comments, pointing out the particularly talented and most importantly - keeping notes for me. He knows each of their skills and weaknesses and will prove indispensable. It doesn’t rain solidly all day, mercifully there are breaks every once in a while to allow some hope to return. The men perform well despite, they are well used to training in downpours and blizzards. I, however, do not fare as well and find myself cold to the bone after the first hour. Stand outs were two young men, brothers, who worked much better together than they did apart. They play off one another, fluid in their movement and confident; laughing as they shoot their arrows and touch swords. The third warrior catches my eye for a different reason. She was tall and slim, her hair pulled out of her face and plaited down her back. She is studied and purposeful, carefully planning the smallest movement of her fingers on the bow string. She is unaware of me watching her, unlike most of the others that look over their shoulder to check I am paying attention before they attempt anything vaguely impressive. She is even more utterly unaware of what I am thinking as I do. I wonder what it would take for me to distract her, to make her eyes divert from their target. Small kisses along her neck perhaps? A whisper of my breath in her ear? How much to make her strong bow arm weak? I pretend. For the next few hours, to be uncertain about who to choose. I hum and haw, asking Fiachra questions I know the answer to. Eventually I ‘settle’ on my three choices.

[itisannak]

Missing Out (Calum Hood Smut)

Summary: Fans make (Y/N) feel insecure, so Calum steps in to comfort her. (Smut / Merely Unprotected Sex / First Time Sex) (T.W: Online Hate) (Request) (Words: 5.3k)

"You are still coming over tomorrow night, right?" Calum asks as he parks in front of my apartment block, turning to look at me. "Of course. 6 months is not a small deal..." I reply, smiling at him. "And you are still spending the night over, right?" He asks again, looking at me anxiously. "Yes, Cal... But you should really relax... Even I am not so anxious about tomorrow." I reply, taking his hand in mine. "I just want it to be special. I want you to have fun and be comfortable." He mumbles, pouting his bottom lip. "Baby, that is so sweet of you. But really, I am ready. You don't have to worry about it." I assure him, leaning in to kiss his lips. "Still, I want to give you something romantic, I guess." He shrugs his shoulders before I lean my head against it. "I thought you didn't believe in romance..." "I don't. So, don't expect anything typical... I am going to do it my way..." He replies, turning his head to press a kiss on the tip of my nose. "Wouldn't want it any other way, baby. I have to go, early call in the morning. Text me when you make it back home, ok?" I press a kiss on the side of his neck, earning a hum from him. "I'll see your pretty face tomorrow." He states, cupping my chin before he kisses me tenderly. "I will see your pretty face tomorrow." I poke on his chest, smiling at him as I take one last whiff of his cologne.

I hesitantly exited the car; Calum and I have the prettiest conversations when he is dropping me off, even when there is nothing particular to talk about. I always crave more conversation with Calum when I leave, and this didn't change tonight. Laying in bed tonight, my mind rushed to imagine how tomorrow night will be; Calum and I have not slept together yet. Well, we have napped and dozed off in the same bed, cuddled, we have slept the night in the same bed, multiple times, but we have never actually had sex before. And neither have I ever had sex with anyone else before. Calum was just a little surprised when I told him, knowing that I had been in relationships before. But he has never pressured me, he has never taken things further than I was comfortable with. He always told me that we would only go on when I would be ready, and only then. And he has kept his word, respected the boundaries until the point I have had enough of keeping myself back from doing it, I have gotten too tired of resisting him. So, I suggested spending the night with him on our anniversary; in the beginning, he didn't get what I was implying, only getting a hint of it when I asked if we could be alone in the house that night. And he has been excited ever since, almost running laps around me like a puppy. I can tell he has been waiting for that moment for a long time, and I honestly don't know how he has kept his cool around me for so long; there have been one too many times that making out almost turned into more, but he was always the one to stop us before we would go forward. But those moments always made me crave him more and more, picturing him and the moment we would finally have sex. Honest to God, he is so kind and loving, in addition to being the sexiest man alive, that I have been having a hard time not picturing him hovering over me, thrusting inside me with his face all red and jaw tensed. He makes me feel like the most gorgeous woman to have grazed this planet, constantly reminding me how beautiful I am, words and actions for evidence, which really helps me drown the little voice in my head that tells me I am not enough, and all the criticism from his fan base that comes with dating Calum. Well, usually helps me drown it...

(Calum's POV) "I want you on your best behavior, mister... This is a very special day, and I want you to be my good little boy. Ok, Duke?" I coo as I pet the dog, who looks at me, wagging his tail. I chuckle at how pathetic I sound, taking out my anxiety on the poor pup. But I really just want (Y/N) to have the best experience or at least the closest to best it can get. I have never felt so anxious about having sex before, I mean, it is just sex, it's one of the things that should supposedly take any stress away. But this is the first time for (Y/N) and the one thing I absolutely don't want is for me to be imprinted in her mind as the guy that gave her the lousiest first time. My phone ringing makes me put the puppy down and pick it up, finding (Y/N)'s name light on the screen. "Hey, pretty girl. Do you need me to come pick you up?" I ask her before she could even say hi. "Hey, baby. I don't feel so good today. My stomach is all fucked up... I don't think I can make it..." She sounds weak, groaning a little at the end. "Oh, no baby. Did you go to the doctor? Want me to take you to a hospital?" I ask, my stomach tightening at the thought of her being sick. "No. I mean, it's probably something I ate. I am sorry for tonight, baby. I really have been waiting for tonight for so long." She mumbles but I chuckle softly. "We can celebrate in a few days, don't worry about it. Want me to come over and take care of you, baby?" I ask her, plopping on the couch. "No, I got this." "Ok, love. Call me if you need anything, no matter what time it is." I sigh and she hums. "I will. Thank you, babe." She replies before hanging up.

"Guess you don't need to be so behaved anymore, Duke... The pretty girl is sick..." I sigh, biting my cheek. "Maybe she got anxious about tonight and got sick... Or maybe she really ate something that bugged her stomach. Or maybe she has the stomach flu..." I list at the dog who lays his head on my lap. "Maybe she really needs help and she is too proud to ask for it... You know her, she doesn't want to be a burden to anyone... Maybe we should just head over, make her some tea, or some soup. And you should go cuddle with her, she really loves how squishy you are." I mumble, staring at the dog for a sign. He licks his nose, tilting his little head to the side. "Maybe bring her some flowers. You know, it is still our anniversary, even if she is sick..." I state, standing up and picking Duke along, grabbing my phone and jacket on the way out.

(3rd Person's POV)

(Y/N) cannot stop staring at her phone, with eyes glazed by her tears. Her mind cannot really fathom how people could express such negativity for someone they have never actually met. When she called Calum this evening to cancel their plans, she truly felt sick. She has been reading all the hate comments, every tweet and post about her, targeted toward her body, her hair, her face, she has been in this rabbit hole for at least the past 10 hours, every hate word punching her in the gut. She knows she doesn't deserve Calum, deep down inside she knew he can do so much better. But she also knows he loves her, truly loves her, even though Calum had infamously said he doesn't believe in love, she knows that of all the feelings that exist, love is the one Calum has for her.

For (Y/N), all of this is crazy; how can someone who claims that they love Calum, attack someone that actually makes him happy?

Calum picks up the take-out miso soup from the back seat while also carrying Duke with one arm. The puppy looks at him, wagging his tail happily as they walk to (Y/N)'s apartment. Both of them seem utterly excited to see her, even though she is sick; all that Calum wants is to spend their anniversary together. He lets the dog on his paws as he knocks on (Y/N) door, motioning the furball to sit by him, which of course Duke ignores and starts scratching on her door.

The last thing (Y/N) wants is visitors. She really wishes for some peace and quiet, let herself wallow in self-pity. But the knock on her door signifies that her plan is not really going to be executed. She thinks that if she just lay on her couch and just be quiet, whoever it is behind the door will leave, giving her the quietness she needs. "Baby, open up..." She hears Calum call from the other side of the door, making her heart hurt at the knowledge of his presence.

He knows she is inside, that she is sick and that she is not anywhere else but here, and she knows he has keys for her apartment, given to him in case of an emergency, and that this whole situation in Calum's books is an emergency.

So, she decides to slowly make her way to the door, peep through the little peephole at the top of the door, only to find Calum and Duke waiting for her to open up, her boyfriend holding a paper bag from the Korean place they usually order food from. "Cal? What are you doing here?" She asks, opening the door just a bit and lodging herself between. Calum smiles at her, holding the paper bag up with pride. "Duke was worried. And I wanted to bring you some food and spend some time with you..." He explains, leaning in to plant a chaste kiss on her forehead. Thank God she doesn't have a fever, he thought as he pulled away. "It's very sweet of you. But I don't think I will be a great company right now..." She felt her stomach drop; he really is the sweetest boyfriend ever, and she hates that she has to turn him away, especially tonight. "You are always the greatest company there is. Can we come in?" He asks, pointing to the pup who whimpers for attention.

(Y/N) gives up, unable to think of other excuses to not let Calum stay. So, she moves from the door, allowing her boyfriend and the cutest dog alive to walk in. "You sit down and I will pour your soup in a bowl." Calum offers, pushing his girlfriend softly to sit on her couch. His dog jumps on top of her lap immediately, licking her face as she strokes behind his ears. "I really don't want to eat." (Y/N) tries to stop him but Calum brushes her off, walking to the kitchen. She sighs at how stubborn he can be. Calum pours her soup and grabs a spoon from the drawer, walking back to her with a smile. But the smile drops as he takes a better look at her face, finding her eyes puffy and red as she sniffles while petting Duke. "Babe, have you been crying?" He asks her, eyebrows furrowed as he leaves the bowl on the coffee table and takes a seat on the couch. (Y/N)'s heart quickens, and her brain shuts down, totally abandoning her now that she needs to come up with a lie. "Um... My stomach is hurting really bad..." She stutters but realizes she has fucked up the moment Calum springs up. "Get up, we are going to the hospital..." He sounds serious, looking truly worried. And he is, the worst-case scenarios running through his mind. "There is no need. I am sure I will get better..." She tries to assure him, but Calum can read through her, he can recognize she is lying. "No, get up..." He insists, looking at her sternly. "Calum..." (Y/N) protests, sighing as she gets desperate for him to stop pushing her. "(Y/N), you told me you are sick, and now you are telling me your stomach hurts... This could be more than just the flu..." He explains, almost begging her for him to take her to a hospital.

(Y/N) stares at the floor, fingers fidgeting as she feels horrible for lying to him. "(Y/N), look at me..." Calum orders, tilting her chin up to make her look him in the eye. (Y/N) averts her gaze, her bottom lip quivering as she feels about to break down at his inquisition. Calum's heart sinks, realizing that all of this was just a lie. "Did you lie to me?" He sounds heartbroken, making her feel really sick to her stomach. "If this is all made up to avoid spending the night with me, you could have just told me. I have never pushed you about sex, when I said I would wait for you until you are ready, I meant it. We don't even have to ever have sex if you don't feel like it, but you really shouldn't have lied to me. I was worried about you actually being sick..." Calum snaps, his voice getting louder than he intended. "It's not that..." (Y/N) stutters, already feeling her eyes brim with tears. "It's not that... Then what the fuck it is? Tell me..." Calum commands, pushing (Y/N)'s guilt to give him an insight into what is going on.

She reaches for her phone, unlocking it and handing it to Calum, showing him that she has been looking at, almost since the moment he dropped her off last night. "What's that?" He asks, confused at her actions. "Scroll and read." She replies, taking a seat on the couch. Calum stared at the screen, his eyes scanning over all the words targeted at his girlfriend. His heart aches over how people could be mean to her, to the person making him feel so good.

He plops on the couch, scrolling down with his mouth open in shock. "What the fuck?" He murmurs to himself, not daring to look at (Y/N). He considers this as nothing but his fault, he should have been able to protect her from all the vile opinions. "There is a hashtag, Instagram pages, Twitter pages, and quite a few articles. I have been digging into them for hours. I really don't feel good, and my stomach genuinely hurts." (Y/N) admits, gulping the lump in her throat as she tries to fight her tears. Supposedly, she should have been feeling better now that she has let it all out of her chest, but the look on Calum's face is really unsettling.

Calum has to stop himself before he calls out all these people attacking his girl, causing a PR nightmare and getting an earful from the management. He feels helpless, not knowing how to make this situation better, how to protect her from all of that hate. (Y/N) watches Calum as he runs his hand over his face, his rings shining under the light of the room. "I... I don't know what to say... I am so sorry, you shouldn't be going through that, you shouldn't be under attack for being with me." Calum locks the phone, letting it on the table as he turns to look at (Y/N). "It's not your fault, you don't have to be sorry for that." "I should have been able to protect you, I should not have let this happen. If you want to break up with me, I totally get it... I know this can be really hard on anyone." Calum lets out the words, his head already feeling heavy at the thought of losing (Y/N).

"You are the best thing I've ever had, and I am not planning on letting you go just because a portion of your fans seem to be unable to wrap their minds around the fact that you don't belong to them. If I do that, they win, and they will never let you be happy with anyone. And fuck this whole shit, I love you and I need you in my life. And I know you don't believe in love and I don't expect you to say it back, nor change your mind about that. But I know I feel it and I know that I feel loved by you, so I don't give a damn about anything else." (Y/N) states, finally letting it all out of her chest.

And then her breath hitches as she waits for Calum's reaction; she is not delusional, she knows better than to expect him to say any big words he doesn't mean. Calum petrifies at the sound of (Y/N)'s words; it is more than clear to him that he feels the same for her, that all of this that he has been denying himself hasn't gone away, has not faded away even just a bit.

But the realization dawned on him as he heard her say it, as he heard the words become spoken, entering the real world. He does love her, with everything within him. "I say it and I mean it. I love you." Calum feels unable to incorporate any more words into this, all of his writing talent going out of the window as he stares at (Y/N). And (Y/N) knows better than to ask for him to elaborate; she doesn't need him to, anyway, she knew he loves her. "I am going to talk to management, sit down with them, and find a way to deal with this. I am not going to let anyone hurt you..." Calum whispers, scooting closer to her and bringing his hand under her chin. He really, really wants to just kiss her, more than he has ever wanted before. "Thank you..." (Y/N) can only whisper, looking down at Calum's lips.

Calum pulls (Y/N) in for a kiss, his lips engulfing hers softly. (Y/N) has been craving this, all that she wants right now is to be kissed by him, for the rest of her life. Calum's hands cradle her face, his thumbs stroking her cheeks softly as he deepens the kiss. (Y/N) moans against his lips, biting onto the bottom one lightly, roughening it up just a little. "You need to eat your soup. I bet you haven't eaten anything today..." Calum pulls away, trying to stop from going too far all at once. "I am not really hungry... Just sleepy..." (Y/N) protests, leaning her head against his shoulder. "You need to eat, even if it means I will have to feed you." Calum replies, reaching at the table to grab the bowl. "I really don't want to eat. My stomach is tied up." (Y/N) dodges the spoon, sealing her lips together. "Just a little. Please..." Calum looks her in the eyes, trying to soften her, get to her good side. "Only a little bit." (Y/N) surrenders, grabbing the bowl.

Calum looks at her as she eats slowly, stroking her hair. He twists her locks through his fingers, taking in every detail of her. "I don't want more." (Y/N) places the bowl on the table, going back to her seat and curling up against Calum. Calum puts his arm around her shoulders, planting a kiss on her forehead. "Just promise me you'll have a good breakfast in the morning." Calum sighs, making (Y/N) chuckle. "Wanna sleepover? Just to make sure I do..." (Y/N) suggests, reaching to take his hand in hers. Calum smiles, nodding his head happily before he leans down to kiss her softly.

His tongue slips in her mouth while (Y/N) moves to straddle his laps. Her hands go to his face, stroking it softly as they kiss, lightly moving to his short hair. Calum's hands lower to her thighs, feeling her skin under her little robe. She feels warm under his touch, her skin erupting in thrilling goosebumps. And as the makeout progresses, Calum feels her grinding on him, her core pressing on his junk, which only grows stiffer as she wiggles on him.

(Y/N) really tries to help the tingle between her thighs, really ignoring that Calum is getting harder and harder at the sensation. "We need to stop..." Calum pulls away, groaning that he has to stop now that he feels so good. But he knows that if he doesn't pull away now, there is no way he is going to be able to contain himself. "Why?" (Y/N) asks, moaning softly as she brings her lips to his jaw, kissing, biting, sucking on it, watching Calum turn into a mess for her. "Baby, this is getting hard for me..." Calum almost whimpers, closing his eyes and throwing his head back and letting himself enjoy the sweet torture. "What if we don't have to stop..." (Y/N) asks, making Calum perk up, his heart speeding up at the hearing of the words. "What?" He asks her, trying to make sure they are on the same page before he gets too excited. "I told you we would be having sex tonight... And I meant it. I need you." (Y/N) explains, biting on her bottom lip. "Are you sure about that? We don't have to just because you said we would." Calum tries to make a sense of his thoughts, hoping that (Y/N) is absolute about this decision. "I need you to help me feel good. I really want you, I've been waiting for so long." (Y/N) sighs, stroking his cheek as Calum moves his lips to her neck.

He fixes her legs around his waist before he lifts her up, her head resting on his collarbone. Calum makes his way to her bedroom, feeling anxious about what is to come next. He lays her on her bed, while (Y/N) fixes her pillows to find comfort. "I need you to think about it again... Are you sure about that?" He asks her, looking down at (Y/N) whose fingertips rest on his jaw tenderly. "I have never been more sure about anything." (Y/N) replies, nodding her head to assure him. Calum's hand tug at the belt of her robe, silently asking for permission to remove it. (Y/N) brings her hands on top of his, guiding him as he undresses her. "I... I have bought something for tonight... Do you... Do you want me to go put it on?" (Y/N) stutters, left in only her pajama shorts and a tank top. "You are perfect already. But if it will make you feel better, you can go put it on..." Calum replies softly. (Y/N) nods her head, sliding back and getting off the bed, reaching inside a drawer to pick out the lingerie.

Calum stays only in his boxers while he waits for her to come back.

(Y/N) stares at herself in the mirror for a minute or two, sighing as she processes how she looks in the dainty lace and shiny satin. She walks back into the room, her hands pinching on her arms in hesitation. Calum scans her body, taking in every detail. He has never seen her this exposed before, not even when she was in a bikini. "Com' ere..." He gestures for her to approach him, sitting down on the mattress. She stands before him, her hands running up and down her arms as she tries to make her goosebumps go away. "You are so beautiful..." He murmurs, placing his hands on her hips and pulling her closer, bringing his lips to her stomach, trailing a trail of kisses from below her chest to the hem of her panties.

She feels her breath become funny, gulping down before tilting her head back, enjoying the warmth his lips leave on her skin. Calum cannot get enough of the taste of her skin, his tongue peeking out from between his lips as he lowers his mouth to her bikini line. He brings his lips over her panties, kissing her sex softly as he looks up to her. His lips press on her clit, making her clench around nothing, tensing up at the newly-found feeling. "Come on, baby. Lay down." Calum takes her wrist in his hand pulling her on the bed. "I have condoms in my drawer. I bought them for tonight." (Y/N) mutters, making Calum nod his head before reaching for them.

He takes off his underwear, kicking them to the side before ripping the foil open and rolling the condom along with his throbbing cock. (Y/N) feels her chest heave at the sight of Calum's cock; she knows it is going to hurt, but she can't help but feel mesmerized over his length.

"You can tell me if you want to stop, at any moment." Calum reminds her, running his tip over her sopping core. He feels a tingle in his stomach, excitement taking over him as he preps to thrust in her. "It is going to hurt for a while. I need you to breathe, baby." He reminds her, reaching behind her back to undo her bra before he leans to peck on her forehead.

His hand travels down her chest, thumb brushing over one of her nipples before it rests on her hip, holding himself up while his other hand guides his cock to line up to her entrance. He goes in slowly, inch by inch feeling her wrap tightly around him. (Y/N) whimpers, her face scrunching up in pain as she feels a tear all the way to her stomach. Calum stops moving, looking at (Y/N) in panic. "Breathe, baby." He reminds her, pecking on her cheek as she tries to adjust to his length. "It hurts..." She whispers, feeling her eyes tearing up. "We can stop if you want..." Calum breathes out, cradling her face in his hands. She shakes her head, determined to push past the pain.

He drives his cock deeper inside her, getting excited over how good she feels on his cock. (Y/N) bite on her lip, the initial pain becoming less intense. Calum pulls out giving her a moment to soothe down. (Y/N) trembles, gasping for air as she looks at him. "I need you." She rasps, reaching down to take his hand. Calum thrusts inside her again, still going slowly as his free hand rubs her lower stomach, trying to make the pain go away faster.

The pain subdues, making (Y/N) relax, gripping onto Calum's bicep as he moves, at a faster pace. Her nails dig into his skin, decorating his inked skin with marks. "Feels good, baby?" He asks her, leaning down to kiss her neck as he still thrusts inside her. "It doesn't hurt anymore..." She replies, tilting her head to the side, giving him access to her neck. "Good. I promise I will make you feel really good..." He sighs, bringing his hand up to cup her breast, fondling it before he runs her thumb over her nipple, adding more stimuli to her body. "Deeper?" (Y/N) asks, purring softly at the sensation. "Want it deeper, baby?" He asks cockily, his eyes glistening with lust and excitement. She lets out a scream as he pounds his hips on hers, tensing up and tightening even more around him. "Oh, shit..." Calum lets out a throaty groan, enjoying how she pulses around his length, how she fits around him like a glove, how warm she is underneath him.

She arches her back a little, holding onto him as she takes him deep, feeling him in her stomach. She moans as he changes the angle, hitting inside her differently. "Fuck, that feels so good." She cries out, causing his pupils to blow out. He feels his cock pulse at the sound of her enjoying it, all of his worry going away. He hits the spot again, making her shudder as the warmth spreads to her spine. "Feels good, princess?" He asks her, bringing his thumb to her clit, pressing on the nub as he rolls it, making her jolt in excitement. Her nails dig deeper in his bicep, while her other hand goes to her breast, squeezing it to replace the sensation that Calum's hand had on it. "Faster." She demands, sensing her high come closer to her. "Are you sure?" He asks her, fearing hurting her. "Faster, please." She closes her eyes, moaning again and again as he thrusts where she needs him to.

Calum gives her everything he has, feeling his heart flutter in his chest as he watches her indulge in what he is giving her. He has never felt as intensely as he feels right now, this is almost primitive for him. "I am so close..." (Y/N) cries out, moving her hips to meet his thrusts. His thumb moves faster, earning a whine from her. "You can cum, baby. Cum around me." He whispers, feeling his own breath become shallow. "Can you take off the condom? I want to feel you." (Y/N) gasps, opening her eyes to look into his. Calum looks at her in shock, his grip on her hip becoming tighter. "Are you sure?" He asks, blinking as he tries to wrap his brain around it. "I wanna feel all of you..." She states, quivering as her high approaches.

Calum pulls out, discarding the condom and giving himself a couple of strokes before he lines up to her again. The sensation of his bare cock inside her is completely different than before, feeling him throbbing against her walls causes her to gasp for air. Feeling her around his bare cock triggers Calum. He has to get his mind to something else before it is too late. He just needs her to finish first, he needs to feel her become even tighter around him, even wetter for him. "Fuck, Calum..." She almost screams, coming undone around him. Her whole body shakes, walls convulsing around him.

Everything is blank for a few moments, she only fixates on her high, on how euphoric this is. And Calum just stares at her, taking in how good she looks like that. He doesn't move, feeling her pulse around him is enough to get him just there. (Y/N) groans at the loss of the sensation as he pulls out of her, opening her eyes to stare at him. "I need to cum..." He hisses, stroking his cock over her stomach. She just looks at him jacking off, enjoying how precious he looks, with his head tilted back and his tongue peeking from between his lips as he moans. His hand moves fast, his thumb occasionally running over his tip, until he cums on her lower stomach, giving her a warm sensation as he hisses and curses through greeted teeth.

His stomach rises and falls, breathing heavily as he rides through his high, lowering his gaze to her, finding her looking at him with rosy cheeks. She is breathing heavily as well, her hand still resting on her breast. He leans down, taking her other nipple in between his lips, sucking on it softly, but still sending electricity through her body, making her jolt. "Let me bring you a towel, baby. Clean you up a bit." He says softly, pressing a kiss on the tip of her nose. "I can go clean up..." She offers, but Calum chuckles softly. "I don't think you can walk right now. You'll feel very sore if you stand up." He replies, slipping into his boxers before he leaves the room.

(Y/N) smiles at how soft he is for her, how kind and loving. And now she knows for fact he loves her. He struts back in the room with a wet towel in hand, leaning down to wipe her clean. He does so softly as if he is afraid of breaking her. "Are you ok?" He asks as he lays down next to her, pulling her onto his chest. She lays her head on his pec, smiling as she leaves a kiss there. "Never better..." She hums, reaching to take his hand in hers. "Did you like it?" He asks, tilting her chin up to look at her. "I can't believe I have been missing out on that for that long." She replies, biting on her lip. He leans in, bringing his lips to hers for a quick second. "I can help you make up for that loss..." He replies with a smirk. "Oh, really?" She asks with her eyebrow cocked. "Anytime you want..." He assures her, earning a hum from her. "I'll consider that offer..." She replies, nestling to his chest. "I really do love you." He reminds her, with a voice as soft as a feather. "I know. And I love you too." She states, kissing his chest.

My Masterlist

[bngtanah]

I’m (not) With The Band. | o4

summary: Adrienne is an indie producer who is hired to help co-produce BTS’ next album alongside their resident producer; Suga. Despite the initial opposition on both ends, the pair spend time together, share a few stories, dreams and aspirations and begin to hit it off really well. Wrapped up in the whirlwind of late nights and heated disagreements and reconciliations, Min Yoongi and Adrienne Rolle find themselves growing closer and closer. One night they decide to cross the barrier between personal and professional and do their best make a relationship work against all odds.

pairing: idol!Yoongi  x Named OC

word count: 2.9k genre: drama, romance, smut(eventually)

chapters: prologue| o1| o2| o3| o4| o5| o6| o7| o8| o9| 10| 11|

warning: light angst, smut, fluff, workplace relationship, slow burn, sexual themes, ambw, enemies to friends to lovers, developing relationship

a/n: still a fool. still re-uploading.

Adrienne had a certain way of approaching the music-making process, she liked to be completely immersed in whatever she was working on. That meant blasting the sounds she haphazardly blended together as loud as possible until she could think of a way to make them work together appealingly. The sounds of unfinished demos blasting, the scent of lavender incense burning and filling up the interior of the Bangtan work room while Adrienne danced around to get her blood flowing had become a common thing to hear at any hour of the day or night when she was working alone over the past few days. It was a crazy process to look at from the outside but it hadn't failed her yet so Adrienne was planning on sticking with it.

Of course, just because she planned on doing that didn't mean that she would get to.

The incense and loud music worked fine when she was alone but once Yoongi was in the room that all came to a stop. He preferred to work in silence, or as close to silence as he could get. Which meant he had his headphones in to listen and critique every subtle sound effect and background noise that he wasn't sure about adding. Doing that calmed Yoongi but made Adrienne anxious, she was constantly bursting with energy and that seemed to amplify during the nighttime when she was in a pleasant mood and Yoongi just felt like curling up and going to sleep. Adrienne needed the conversation, the back and forth of ideas that could really be the best part about being forced to work with someone else. Their partnership seemed to be in a slightly more stable place than it was last week, even though they still barely knew each other and had definitely not stopped arguing about nearly everything; they were at least willing to communicate instead of shutting down when complications arose. 

It was after twelve on a Tuesday night, or was it after one? Truthfully Adrienne stopped keeping track hours ago, the only thing she knew for sure was that it was dark outside and the halls outside the workroom door sounded empty which meant that it was late enough for people to have already headed home. Adrienne planned on heading out herself as soon as she made some progress on the melody she had been working on for most of the day. It started off with the intentions of being something upbeat and whimsical but over time it morphed into something lighter, more gentle and Andy was having trouble finding a balance between the two styles.

"Are you okay?"

Yoongi's voice yelling over the music from the door made Adrienne stop the strange interpretive dance she was acting out in the middle of the room. With her arms stretched upwards and her neck extended towards the ceiling she kind of resembled a stork preparing to take flight. If Yoongi wasn't so unbelievably tired he might have found the energy to laugh at her.

"Ah, Yoongi-ssi,"

"-oppa,"

"You said I should be respectful, -ssi is very respectful."

Yoongi grumbled and moved his tired body towards the couch, motioning for Adrienne to turn down her song like he always did. Andy sighed and moved to the computer desk then took a seat.

"What are you doing here? I thought you guys had schedules all day today."

"I wanted to get some work done before I go to bed, and it's two o'clock in the morning; what are you doing here?" Yoongi answered with his head resting against the back of the couch.

"Oh shi-, is it really?" Adrienne gasped and turned to look at the bottom right of the computer screen, it indeed read 2:13 am and Andy groaned and pressed her forehead against the keyboard. She wanted to be in bed hours ago but time completely got away from her.

"I've been working on this song for.... well I'll just be honest, the entire day and I just cannot get it to sound right. That's why I'm still here." She pouted.

Yoongi huffed and looked over at Adrienne, who looked back at him with a slight smile, and made a spectacle of getting up and trudging over to the console where Adrienne sat. He leaned forward and pressed his palms on the edge of the desk then looked at Adrienne like he was waiting for her to do something.

"What?"

"Let me hear the song,"

"No, it isn't arranged!"

Yoongi frowned and gave her a slightly harsh look, making Andy suck her teeth, hit play and immediately cover her ears so she wouldn't have to listen to the song again. She was getting sick of hearing the reminder of her incompetence.

Yoongi, on the other hand listened carefully to everything that played over the speakers. He could see what she meant about it not being arranged properly since it was still very rough around the edges but there was something there that could be worked out with more time and attention. The corners of his lips turned upwards slightly when the gentle voice that had been harmonizing to the melody switched to sound more aggressive and raspy.

"Is that you singing?"

"What? Oh yes, that's me. I knew which of you I want to sing which part so I tried to imitate your voices with random lyrics,"

"Was that supposed to be me?"

"Yes, I didn't think you would notice," Adrienne chuckled.

"I don't sound like that," He retorted with a playful frown.

"Yoongi, that's exactly what you sound like. My imitation of you is actually the best one."

Yoongi rolled his eyes but didn't disagree and returned to the couch once the song ended.

"You're a good singer,"

"T-thank you," She answered, slightly taken back by his sudden compliment since it was the first one he'd paid her since they met.

"About your song, it has potential but you're making the backing instruments way too loud, it's distracting," 

Adrienne frowned gently and brought her knees up to her chest, his suggestion had crossed her mind earlier but she was afraid that if she lowered the instruments, it would lose the dynamic feeling.

"I don't even want to think about it anymore," She rested her chin on her knees "Thank you though."

Yoongi nodded silently as he sank further and further into the cushions of the couch, his plan was to work once he was here but he was already falling asleep just sitting there.

"Yoongi-ssi..."

"Hm?"

"Didn't you say you wanted to want to work on something?"

"Yeah, I will" he answered but made no attempt to move.

Adrienne sniggered and shook her head as she got up from the office chair and occupied the empty seat next to him on the couch.

"You should go home if you're just going to sleep,"

Yoongi snorted and sat up straight, his spine becoming rigid when he heard her so close to him.

"I'm okay, I just need a second to wake up,"

"Well, if you want some help, you could answer my question of the day!"

'Question of the day' was something that Adrienne suggested last week in an effort for them both to understand each other better. They each got to ask one question per day that had to be answered honestly by both parties. Yoongi was against it at first but Adrienne soon realized that he would agree to do most things if she pestered him enough. So far it had only been basic questions like 'where were you born?', 'how old are you?', 'who's your favourite artist?' and Adrienne learned that Yoongi was exactly one year older than she was and he had just as much trouble pinning down just one favourite artist as she did. An inaudible rasping noise of displeasure rumbled in Yoongi's throat even though he hadn't moved an inch since sitting up. He didn't have the stamina for a conversation right now.

"Oh, come on you child, it's a simple question!"

"Fine, fine. What is it?" 

"What made you want to become an idol?"

"I didn't,"

"Yoongi-ssi..."

"What? I answered your question,"

"That can't be the entire answer," Adrienne pushed.

Yoongi cursed under his breath and ran a hand down the length of his face.

"That is the entire answer. I never dreamed about being an idol, I wanted to make music, I knew there was only so much I could do on my own so I came to Seoul to have the opportunity to make music as well as I could."

Adrienne nibbled on her top lip and studied Yoongi while he answered her question, he looked like he was still sleeping with his beanie pulled down low over his forehead and the back of his head still resting against the back of the couch. He had a certain way of saying a lot while not really saying much at all when they spoke, always giving Adrienne just enough information to satiate her curiosity but never really allowing her to get closer to him. It was frustrating in a way but Andy didn't want to rock the boat again when they'd just started getting along and she wasn't exactly an open book herself. Then again, he never asked her anything that would require her to be guarded, Adrienne was sure that her age and birthplace and other general facts were on file with the company and that was all he ever asked about.

"Do you like it?"  She paused "Being an idol, I mean."

"One question," Yoongi answered and held up his index finger which Adrienne pushed out of her line of vision.

"Fine, what's your question?"

Yoongi shuffled around in his seat and switched his seating position so he was facing Adrienne instead of leaning into the cushions and staring up at the ceiling. It took a second for him to think of a question to ask since he didn't have one ready. Well, that wasn't true, he had lots of questions but none he felt comfortable asking out loud.

"Why did you come to Korea?"

"You know why I'm here,"

"I know they offered you a job, you didn't have to accept it,"

Adrienne smirked and glanced to the side in thought.

"Do you want the proper answer or something thoughtful?"

"Proper,"

"I needed money," she laughed softly and Yoongi joined her with a closed mouth chuckle of his own.

"Honestly, I didn't really want to come at first. I knew nothing about this country or the music and it was all so different from what I was used to... if my sister didn't threaten to fight me I wouldn't be here right now. I was so scared to come here."

"Scared of what?"

"Of...." Adrienne paused and raised her gaze to Yoongi's eyes, she wasn't exactly sure how to word what she wanted to say next. "Give me your arm."

Yoongi's forehead wrinkled, but he complied and stretched his arm forward, Adrienne held his hand in her palm and pushed up his sleeve so that his forearm was exposed then she scooted closer and placed her bare forearm directly against his warm skin. Andy's bronzed skin wasn't the deepest shade of brown and she knew that but it definitely stood out compared to Yoongi's fair tone.

"Of being too different."

He was confused at first but after the second glance at their arms next to each other and Adrienne's face Yoongi nodded with a quiet realization and lowered his head and arm.

"Not everyone is... it's not like..." He stumbled over his words in a way was so unlike him and Adrienne shook her head quickly and held both of his hands in her own to reassure him.

"I get it, Yoongi," She smiled and let go, "I'm not that scared anymore but there's always something terrifying about the unknown..."

Yoongi nodded, tilting his head to the side and resting it against his hand. Adrienne wasn't looking directly at him when she spoke and that gave him ample opportunity to drink in her sharp features without being detected. He had taken up the habit of gazing at her when she wasn't looking in an effort to try and figure her out. She was such a strange person to him with her slightly eccentric behavior, bubbly nature, and interesting personality. Girls like this usually annoyed him but with Adrienne Yoongi only wanted to know more about her and that was a feeling he knew he had to keep under control. He was a professional there was no reason for him to allow fleeting emotions to cloud his thinking, no matter if he could physically feel his heart twinge beneath his chest when Adrienne's eyes met his own.

"Anyway, thanks for listening. You can work now sorry for being a bother."

"Don't worry about it," Yoongi nodded and slowly picked himself up off the couch.

"I should go home now," Andy yawned but didn't get up as she watched him move over to the computer desk.

Yoongi nodded and turned to bid Adrienne a good night when the sound of the door swinging open drew his attention there.

"Hyung! We're going to eat are you com-" Jimin paused when he noticed Adrienne still seated. 

"Oh, Andy~ I didn't know you were still here, do you want to come eat with us?"

"Hey, Jimin" Andy greeted with a wide grin "Um... I don't know if I can..." Just at the mention of food, her stomach grumbled and reminded Adrienne that all she'd eaten that day was a packet of saltine crackers and going home alone on an empty stomach wasn't something she wanted to risk.

"I'll come," she laughed "I mean if that's okay with everyone," Adrienne said everyone but really she was looking for Yoongi's approval since as far as she knew he was the only member of the team she hadn't really won over yet. Jimin encouraged her to come but Adrienne still looked over to Yoongi for his answer. 

Yoongi wasn't particularly interested in going since he didn't really want to eat and he still hadn't started his work but when Adrienne looked at him with her silently pleading eyes Yoongi didn't have it in him to tell Jimin to go away so he could work in peace. So instead, he got up, adjusted his beanie and headed out the door without a word while being followed by his oddly energetic youngers.

The seven of them plus Adrienne piled into a booth at a tiny pub not too far from the studio since that was the only place open so late at night. Despite being tired like Adrienne was sure they all were the atmosphere was loud and active as they all ordered and only got more lively when someone, who sounded oddly like Taehyung, suggested that Adrienne treat them to a drink. She objected at first but that only made the requests become cuter and more annoying to ignore.

"Okay! Just this one time" Adrienne finally relented and motioned for the server to come back to their table.

"You don't have to do that,"  she could hear Yoongi almost whisper from his seat next to her but Andy dismissed his concern with a gentle smile. "I don't mind."

The night continued until Namjoon being the responsible leader that he was, informed everyone that they really needed to get some rest before their day tomorrow. Everyone except Yoongi and Jin groaned and complained but made preparations to leave nonetheless, they were undoubtedly feeling the heavyweight of sleep rest comfortably on their shoulders once everyone was outside on the sidewalk since there was a noticeable drop in noise level and general conversation.

"Well, I'm going now!" Adrienne said behind a body-draining yawn as she waved towards the group and began walking backward.

"Are you walking by yourself? You shouldn't catch a taxi so late alone, I can walk with you." Namjoon said quickly and took a step forward but Adrienne shook her head. 

"I live really close to the studio, I can make it by myself. I'll be safe,"

"Okay. Well, you should text me when you get home, so we don't worry." Namjoon said, quickly adding the bit about everyone worrying to save face.

"I will, good night!" She assured him and waved again to the rest of the boys before turning on her heels and heading towards her apartment.

Once she was out of sight Namjoon followed closely by Yoongi who'd gone silent, and the rest of the crowd began their slow trek back to the BigHit building.

"Hey, hyung don't you think you're being a little too obvious with Andy? Since she is a co-worker and everything," Jimin asked in a gentle tone once he'd sidled up next to Namjoon and began walking in stride with him.

"What are you talking about?" Namjoon responded as if he did not understand what Jimin was insinuating "Should I be rude to her just because she's a co-worker?"

Jimin pursed his lips but let the topic die, he knew that his band member knew that wasn't he meant but it wasn't exactly the right place or time to advise Namjoon so he kept quiet. Yoongi who was also still silently walking behind them took notice of the minor exchange and didn't have a reasonable explanation for the way his heart rate spiked or the scowl that crossed his features while he continued moving with his head down. 

Jimin smiled and gently patted Namjoon on the shoulder.

"Of course not, hyung."

[xo-dailypier-blog]

Hey People!

     It’s been such a long time since I’ve posted anything. But can you guys blame me? It’s been such a snore fest in Santa Monica, I almost just left you guys to you own devices to let you find out all the dirt by yourselves. But we couldn’t have that, can we?

     Anyways, while I don’t have a complete recap of the things going on (not that theirs anything interesting), you guys have sent me your BURNING CHLAMYDIA-LIKE questions that have piqued by interests. 

I would say things in this town are getting set in motion, but only time will tell…

But before we get into the questions, two things: 

1.) Everyone take a moment to say Happy Mother’s Day to QUEEN Phobe! Hopefully she’s been picking up her child from daycare. Am I right, guys? 

Hopefully you guys said HMD to your Mo -- Oh, Yikes ... um Moving on...

2.) Congratulations are in order! You guys voted and our Hottie of the Moment has been chosen…

     It’s none other than: Jason “Daddy” Sorrentino! With his ripped bod, and killer smile, Daddy Sorrentino has captured the hearts of Santa Monica one day at a time. I didn’t vote for him (I was torn between him and Daddy Lancaster, so I sat this one out), but it’s really no surprise. I mean, have you seen him? Ugh, soy hott. 

When asked about his Award Winning Hotness, Daddy had this to say:

“Everyone wanted to know what I’d do if I didn’t win, guess we’ll never know” (Jason Sorrentino, 2019).

... We love original quotes ..... Anyways! Let’s A some Q’s, yeah?

Q: singordie94 asked...

What is the Lipton on Myles Bennett and Julian Stark? The people are talking about seeing them at a bar eye fucking each other? What’s going on, DP? 

A: Hey singordie94,

     Sighhh, Shark Boy and Lava Top. Ok, so as we know, Myles gets pegged. Very progressive, love that for him. Now, the RUMOR (keyword) is that he ditched the strap and tried out the real thing with one Julian Stark. This, allegedly, happened a few months back according to sources close to the subject(s). Sadly, I honestly don’t believe this, this just sounds like fan fiction. Myles has a loving girl friend back home in Texas. It is PREPOSTEROUS to think our little sea critter would be a LIAR. I mean, could you guys really imagine OUR Myles letting Julian go snorkeling in HIS (chocolate) sea? HANG TEN in his boygina? Go KOWABUNGA in that ass??? (Let’s be honest, if this actually happened, there is no way anyone would actually believe that Myles was on top, we’ve seen him in his sea-diving-catsuit-thing, and … momma’s thicc with it). Anyways, I guess I’ll keep an eye on them just in case. But Myles just isn’t the type to cheat/leave his southern belle crying into the butter she has to churn for supper in the middle of her Amish village. (I’m assuming everyone in Texas is Amish. Look, I don’t know what the fuck goes on there, and honestly? I don’t care). Bottom line (tehehehe) is that Myles has his true love, the deep blue sea, and CHRIST as his main priorities, nothing more. Thanks for the question, singordie94, I’ll keep an eye out for ZESTY activity, but don’t hold your breath (like Myles did when he deep throated Julian, ALLEGEDLY).

Q: AshersBabyMomma asked...

Can we get an Aldridge update?

A: Well, AshersBabyMomma (cute name btw),

Keeping up with the Aldridge’s has been pretty dull this season.

Alex is, naturally, chasing after Award Winning Hottie, Jason. Their tumultuous relationship is one I’ll have to keep an eye on. You would think they were together by the way they interact, one minute their woohoo-ing in the back of an Uber and the next they need space? Maybe they should just call it quits? And apparently Alex was seen getting cozy with Logan Lancaster. I’m told that there was some serious flirting going on???? I heard that Jason totally came up in conversation too, and Logan called him like, a pussy, or something? (Fighting Words!!!) Whatever he said the two laughed about it, as they continued vibing. And to be honest? I kind of ship it. I mean I am obviously the president of the SorrentinHOEs, but ya girl Alex needs some stability. And hello??? Logan is as stable as they come! Daddy Sorrentino might be perfect at everything else, but maybe he should sit on the bench when it comes to Alex, Logan is scoring too high for him to keep up. #LoLex

Crackhead Asher is one that keeps getting written in about, though. A little bird told me, well, several little birds have told me that they’ve seen a guy (with a striking resemblance to our fav) out with several different guys since he’s been here in Santa Monica. I feel like Asher is a little fruity but is this something he would keep from his family? His twin? I feel like they would care less about this and more about his trips to San Diego to buy METH. The Quality Kind. Hmm, I suppose I’ll have to set up cameras inside his house, too, just to see if this story checks out. I’ll keep you posted.

The only Aldridge that matters is the MATRIARCH herself, Alegenda Aldridge. When she PUMPED IT into Santa Monica in kitten heels (because only SLUTS wear stilettos) I knew that she would be the saving grace of this DEMONIC town. We Stan Alegenda in this household, which is why If you use code SharkTop with your next purchase at Blush Boutique — The Anti-Fashionova, you’ll get 10% off, courtesy of The Daily Pier. Go on and immerse yourselves in the most sanctified of garmets, those floor length khaki skirts aren’t gonna wear themselves! Let’s hope that Alegenda does not fall into the EVIL clutches that have her siblings, and let’s hope that she can, instead, EXERCISE the DEMONS on her siblings KNEECAPS.

But honestly, who am I kidding. I enjoy her efforts, but in this town? She’ll probably be smoking the same crack rock as Asher by the end of the month. Tragic. I’ll keep you posted, AshersBabyMomma.

Q: dddonewiththebullshit asked...

I KNOW THAT JAMIE FUCKING CARTER READS THIS FUCKING BLOG AND I JUST WANT HIM TO FUCKING KNOW THAT I HAVE HAD IT UP TO MOTHER FUCKING HERE WITH HIS GOD DAMNED NOISE. HE IS THE MOST INCONSIDERATE NEIGHBOR EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIM CONSTANTLY WAKING UP MY PUPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE HES CONSTANTLY BRINGING THE ENTIRETY OF SANTA MONICA BACK TO HIS PLACE TO BANG THE FUCK OUT OF THEM LOUD ENOUGH FOR THE ENITRE BLOCK TO HEAR, AND NOW I HAVE TO HEAR HIM FIGHTING WITH SOME TWINK!!!!!!!!!! ABOUT SOME FUCKING!!!!! PAINT!!!!!!! BRUSHES!!!!!!! HE DOESNT DESERVE RIGHTS, AND I WANT HIM DEAD. #ELECTRICCHAIR

A: I…. Hello?

     This is the only negative thing I’ve gotten about Jamie since I’ve started following him. If hoards of you thirst buckets aren’t writing in about want to “operate his ride” then you’re saying how he looks like a math teacher and you’d like to show him an acute angle (with your legs). Wait, is that last part just me? Yikes, this is awkward. Anyways, it’s true. Jamie and Mackenzie Westwood (the twink in question) dated for like 5 months, and when Mac ended things (because Jamie couldn’t commit) he packed his things and left. Apparently he forgot his paint brushes after his departure so he tried to BREAK INTO Jamie’s house and take them. And I guess they got into a fight. Based on the voice memos I got, it got pretty intense. Some people wrote in asking if Jamie got shot.

     Yeah he got shot … with love. The repressed feeling jumped out! This whole fight was laced with PASSION and I was waiting for them to rip each other’s clothes off and wake up your puppy (again). They TOTES still love each other. I mean hello??? Amazon Prime is right there and you choose to commit grand theft PAINTBRUSH on a random night, Mackenzie???? Give me a BREAK!

     I just hope that this doesn’t interfere with his work, and like, distract him while he’s operating a ride. Wouldn’t want him to ALSO cause a major accident which could kill people. #shade

I guess the final question I got a lot is what couple(s) I ship. And off the top of my head, my top 5 are ... Hmmm, I’ll have to say:

Well obvs, #LoLex

June Armstrong and an Exterminator. The Doll has roaches, and it’s fucking GROSS!!! Someone said she’s become acquainted with them and knows them by name. What a CREEP. Get an exterminator girl, know him by name. And while we’re on the topic of June, The Doll. I see right through her “innocent act”, I heard she hid a razor blade in her mouth in High School, and when she got into a fight one time, she SLICED her opponent. People who went to school with June contact me, and give me the scoop on this.

OLIVA AND DIANA ARE THE LESBIAN POWER COUPLE WE NEED!! I DONT NEED TO ELABORATE ON THIS, MAKE IT HAPPEN LADIES.

(and 5, I guess) And I am torn between Wes/Diana and Wes/Iris. You see, Diana and Wes have history and just thinking about them and all that they’ve been through, the fact that they can find solace through each other’s arms just …. sorry I need a moment. 

But Wes and Iris, it’s just … ugh … the flavors. Both of their pasts have been pretty hard, and I would love to see Iris in a happy relationship. Especially after that Sebastian guy (don’t ask).

So these are MY to watch list, lets hope something becomes of it! 

And with that, that concludes my comeback post, I guess. Hope you didn’t fall asleep reading this. And if you managed to to not be mentioned in this post, don’t you worry, this is only just the beginning. 

xo, DP

[uswntpoet]

Love on the brain (Part 10)

Hey guys, enjoy the chapter :) the song in the chapter is "Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake. Sorry for any mistakes.

The chapter is also up on Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17576201/chapters/42671246

“Okay who is ready to paaaaartyyyy?” Erin hollers intoxicated. As the evening got by there was lots of time to fill up their tanks with the cocktails, which were so good that Bati claimed they must have been ‘straight from heaven’. So, it’s no surprise that everybody is slightly or some definitely tipsy when they leave the restaurant.

“I think this is our cue to go home.” Kelley’s dad says, looking at Alex’s parents and his wife. The look on his face and the way he is shoving his hands in his pockets causes Alex to smile. If Kelley is in a situation, she doesn’t want to be in, she does it the same way. They all say their goodbyes to the parents and decide to go to a club right across the street that looks pretty fancy. There is a huge line of people waiting in front of the entrance and the group is stopping to wait in line as well. Apparently, the club is pretty popular and also packed because of the holidays. After a minute or so of standing in line, Alex ends her conversation with her sister and turns around, facing the others. The group is now standing in a circle and Alex is surprised to discover that her fiancée is gone.

“Hey, has anybody seen Kelley?” Alex asks furrowing her eyebrows.

“No, I thought she was with you.” Allie says, while everybody starts turning their heads, searching for Kelley. However, just a moment later Kelley, walks up to them with a huge grin on her face.

“Ah, there she is.” Jerry says, pointing in her direction.

“What did you do? Why are you smirking again?” Erin rolls her eyes.

“Come on guys, we don’t have all night.” Kelley says motioning for the group to follow her.

“Babe, I thought we wanted to go in?” Alex asks, pointing to the line in front of them.

“Yeah, we are, what are you guys waiting for?” Kelley grins.

“Kel, that’s one of the most popular clubs in New York, you can’t just walk in there.” Bati points out.

“Uhh, Bati? I think she’s not.” Alex says slowly, the meaning of the look on Kelley’s face beginning to dawn on her.

“Yeah, no, I’m not. So, I once knew this guy and apparently, he now owns this club and long story short, we don’t have to wait in line.” Kelley says, holding up a bunch of wristbands for the VIP area. All heads turn to look at Alex questioningly, who holds her hands up cluelessly.

“Don’t look at me guys, life with her is still a surprise every day.”

“We know that feeling.” Erin reassures Alex, motioning between Jerry and her.

“Yeah, and we share the same DNA.” Jerry says concerned.

“Actually, we don’t. Biologically seen we only share the same DNA to some extent, let’s say about 50%. The other chromosomes-”

“OH MY GOD, SHUT UP WORMS.” Allie groans loudly, interrupting Kelley and knocking her elbow into her ribcage.

“Aaaalright, who’s up to party?” Kelley asks excitedly.

“Hell yes!” Jen’s husband exclaims.

“Man, Kelley that’s just fucking dope.” Jeri says.

“You, my friend, are a legend.” Bati says, grabbing Kelley’s shoulder impressed. After everybody expressed their appreciation and excitement they start to walk towards the entrance. Kelley waits to go in last, so everybody gets past the bouncer. Alex waits for Kelley in the entrance area, smiling at her, shaking her head.

“What?” Kelley grins.

“You are an enigma.”

“I hope in a good kinda way.”

“You’re all the things in a good kinda way.” Alex grins, leaning closer, biting her lip.

“Oh, am I?” Kelley says, looking at Alex’s lips. Alex looks at Kelley’s lips as well, nodding while closing the distance. When they pull away their gazes meet and their smiles get brighter.

“By the way, that’s such a Kelley thing to say.” Alex says.

“What is?”

“That thing about chromosomes and the DNA.”

“It’s true, tough. They are just dumb.” Kelley says seriously.

“Such a Kelley thing to say, again.”

“Sorry.” Kelley chuckles.

“Don’t apologize, I love it when you say stuff like that. You’re smart, it’s sexy.”

“In that case, that dress you’re wearing would look even hotter accelerating towards my bedroom floor at 9.8 m/s2” Kelley says with a sexy voice.

“Oh yeah, talk dirty to me.” Alex says going in for another kiss. Kelley winks at her, while Alex takes Kelley’s hand in her own, pulling her towards the group, which is already walking down the hallway. When they enter the club it’s just as packed as it looks from outside. The club is lit in light neon blue and the furniture is all white, making everything look rather expensive. If you’d asks Alex the atmosphere somehow is pretty sexy, people are dancing close to each other and the music the DJ is playing underlines that. However, she’s not sure if that’s just the drinks talking. Somehow, Kelley’s acquaintance managed to clear a table for them and now they gather around it. Jen and her husband, as well as Erin, Kristy, Jerry and Allie sit down on the white leather sofa, that is lit at the bottom with blue light as well. Around the table boxes of some kind of very expensive champagne were converted into bar stools. Alex sits down next to Allie on the white sofa, while Jeri and Bati sit down on the boxes. Kelley stands in front of the table, waiting for everyone to settle down. Alex looks up at her pouting, holding out her hand for Kelley to take and motioning to come sit with her. Kelley takes her hand, but remains standing nonetheless, wanting to go to the bar first. Looking at Alex she knows that her drunkenness has reached the needy stage.

“Guys, drinks?” Kelley smirks, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Yeah, let me help you.” Bati says, getting up.

“Babe, you want anything specific?” Kelley asks leaning down, so she can hear her over the music.

“I’m fine with whatever you’re getting, but thanks.” she says, giving her a peck.

“Oh, so Alex can choose something specific and we have to drink whatever?” Allie smirks teasingly.

“All it takes is a kiss.” Kelley says, puckering her lips and moving towards Allie, who pushes her away.

“You’re so annoying.”

“Karma is a bitch, Long.”

“You’re a bitch.” Allie counters and her laughter is interrupted by the look on Alex’s face, her mouth agape and her eyes giving her a look of ‘You did not seriously say that.’. Kelley watches Allie freeze mid-laughter, looking at Alex guiltily. Kelley laughs loudly at the interaction.

“And you say I’m whipped.” she chuckles.

“You guys are such a shit show. I swear one day, I’ll kill the both of you.” Alex rolls her eyes. Kelley and Bati make their way to the bar inside the VIP section and order a huge bottle of rum and some drinks to mix it with, as well as a round of shots. Alex can’t seem to keep her eyes off of Kelley, who walks through the VIP area confidently. To Alex Kelley always looks amazing, so much even that she sometimes thinks it becomes a serious problem when she needs to get work done or when they are fighting about something and a look at Kelley makes her forget why she way angry. However, tonight is one of those nights, where something about her just screams extra sexy with a big exclamation mark. Apparently, she isn’t the only one thinking that her fiancée looks stunning. Kelley is attracting the attention of both men and women all around the club. The gazes are following her everywhere and to be honest Alex can’t stand it, but she lets it go for the moment. Kelley and Bati carry the ice bucket with the drinks over to the table and Jeri gets up to help them with the shots.

“To the best year that’s yet to come.” Alex says, raising her shot to the middle of the table, looking at Kelley intently. Everybody grabs a shot and moves it to the middle so all the glasses are clinking together.

“To 2019!” Jeri shouts, while everyone hollers.

“To the best that’s yet to come.” Kelley whispers, looking at Alex, their gazes holding, while everybody already chugs down the shot. They both clink their glasses again and chug it down as well. Alex grimaces at the taste.

“Wooo.” Kelley exclaims, shaking at the taste. This attracts the attention of one particular girl from the table right next to them again, who tries to make eye-contact with Kelley, smiling flirtatiously. The girl immediately was a thorn in Alex’s flesh, because she has been shamelessly checking Kelley out ever since they stepped foot in the club. Alex leans forward slightly, giving her some serious side-eye, but she’s so focused on Kelley that she doesn’t see Alex’s warning looks. The girl tries to get her attention by playing around with straw in her drink, moving it in her mouth, while eyeing Kelley intensely. Like always, Kelley is totally unaware of the looks she’s receiving. She is distracted by Allie urging her to tell the story about how one time at camp she shattered a window, trying to proof that she could do handstand push-ups. After Kelley finally told the story and everybody laughed loudly, she is looking over to Alex, who has gotten rather impassive over the last 10 minutes.

“What’s up with that look on your face, pretty girl?” Kelley yells over the bass, pulling her stool closer to Alex, putting her hand on her knee.

“That girl at the table next to us, and don’t look, is undressing you with her eyes.”

“Bullshit, she’s probably only watching my gorgeous fiancée, in which case I can’t blame her.”

Alex rolls her eyes at Kelley.

“What? Or maybe she likes my shoes.”

“Kel, you’re fucking hot.” Alex states with a hint of aggressiveness.

“Ehm? Thanks?”

“I think you tend to forget, that you are really sexy. There are thousands, if not millions of people, who would bang you without any question or even a hello, 350 of which are in this club right now and there are only about 400 in here. Don’t act as if this girl is only eying you constantly since we step in, because she likes your damn shoes. And now give me a kiss, before I go over there and cause a scene.”

While Alex talks Kelley watches her face closely, looking for any sign of a joke, but she doesn’t find it. Therefore, she knows not to question what Alex is requesting, not that she would either way, but whatever. Kelley leans in and starts kissing Alex sensually, not only giving her a kiss, but fully making out with her, to which Alex complies happily. The kiss is lasting quiet a while and turns pretty steamy.

“Gosh, get a room Kellex. What are you? Horny 16-year olds?” Allie jokes. However, with getting harassed by their teammates constantly, they don’t even bother acknowledging a word that is leaving Allie’s mouth, but instead keep on kissing, until it’s getting too excessive. By the time they pull away, everyone is already minding their own business again.

“You’re mine.” Alex claims in the close proximity of Kelley’s lips.

“Possessive much, huh?”

“Only a tiny bit.”

“I see.”

Alex leans in for a short, sweet kiss, smiling into it. Kelley grins at her brightly, the smile making Alex forget, why they were kissing in the first place. Their attention is drawn towards the rest of the group, when Jerry starts pouring them a new round of drinks. For the next hour or so, they all fuel their bodies with plenty more drinks and after a while there is no denying that everybody is not only tipsy, but definitely drunk now. They left the table a while ago and are dancing on the dancefloor ecstatically, the mood getting more and more exuberant by the minute.

“I’ll be right back, you need anything?” Kelley yells in Alex’s ear. Alex shakes her head in response.

“No, thank you.”

Kelley makes her way to the bar. The DJ plays some throwback songs and Alex and Allie scream the lyrics to David Guetta’s ‘Memories’ loudly, while jumping around with all the others. Arriving at the bar, Kelley orders another Rum and Coke. The bartender, gives her a nod and starts making the drink. Kelley turns around and leans against the bar, smiling, watching her fiancée having a blast with her friends and family. A hand on her shoulder pulls her out of thoughts.

“Hey, can I buy you a drink?”

Kelley turns towards the voice and is met with a girl, looking like some kind of model, who is eyeing her up and down.

“Thanks, I’m good.” Kelley says shaking her head, turning back around, watching Alex.

“You sure? You look thirsty.” the girl says into Kelley’s ear, lowering her voice. Kelley turns around yet another time.

“Look, you probably are a nice person, but I got a fiancée.”

“So?”

“Okay, you aren’t a nice person. That’s okay.” Kelley says in an indifferent tone, turning away again. Her gaze is meeting Alex’s, who is looking at her questioningly. Kelley, rolls her eyes at the girl next to her and waves it off, gesturing for Alex not to worry about it.

“I live right around the corner, we could just go there. Your fiancée doesn’t have to know.”

Kelley doesn’t really listen to a word the girl is saying, she just looks in Alex’s direction, seeing something she doesn’t like.

“Dude, what’s taking so long?” Kelley says to the bartender. The bartender looks at her apologetically.

“I know you want to.” the girl insists.

“Rum and Coke!” the bartender calls. Kelley grabs her drink and when she takes a step in Alex’s direction the girl is blocking her way.

“Or maybe you could just bring your fiancée.” the girl says biting her lip. Kelley watches her attempt to look sexy emotionlessly. When Alex does something like that, it’s driving her nuts, but looking at this girl, who is doubtlessly very pretty, she feels nothing at all.

“Okay listen, I appreciate the compliment, but I’m really not interested. See, I asked the most amazing girl in the whole wide world to marry me and she said yes. So, you may understand that all I ‘want’ is to get back to her. And if you don’t, that’s not my problem.”

Kelley walks past her determined, shaking her head. She makes her way through the crowd, but Alex is nowhere to be seen. She doesn’t come far until a hand is grabbing her shoulder yet again. Kelley turns her head to see Alex, who is looking at her concerned.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, just a very persistent girl making an offer.”

“What kind of offer?”

“First it was a drink, then sex and after that she even offered for you to come.”

“Oh my god, I can’t even let you walk to a bar alone?! Where is she???” Alex asks fumingly.      

“Babe, ignore it, I told her off.”

“Ugh, going to a club with you is exhausting.”

“Look who’s talking.” Kelley says raising an eyebrow.

“You’re exaggerating.” Alex says innocently, looking anywhere but Kelley’s eyes, knowing damn well that she is right.

“Alex, we are here for a little over an hour and I told 5 people to leave you alone. I don’t call that exaggerating. And don’t think I didn’t see you holding up your engagement ring to number 6, while I was at the bar.”

“How the fuck did you see that? You were talking to that girl.”

“Concerning you I see everything.”

“Is that a threat or a promise?” Alex smirks.

“That’s for you to decide.” Kelley winks at her, which makes Alex laugh.

“Let’s get back to the others, you creep.” Alex teases, pulling Kelley deeper into the crowd. The beat the DJ was playing, changes into the beat of ‘Sexy Back’ by Justin Timberlake and Kelley stops in the middle of the crowd, making Alex come to a halt as well, due to them holding hands. Alex turns around to see what’s stopping Kelley, but there is no sight of a distraction. Kelley just raises her eyebrows at Alex challengingly, which causes a smirk on her face in response. Kelley intertwines both of her hands with Alex’s, walking a few steps backwards to the beat of the bass, pulling Alex along. Alex laughs at the flirty look on Kelley’s face, but follows her lead nonetheless. Kelley comes to a stop and pulls Alex closer, guiding Alex’s arms around her neck. She closes the space between them, pulling Alex as close as possible in one swift, rough motion. It’s the good kind of rough though, the one that you use while dancing to manifest that you are the lead. Nevertheless, it surprises Alex, who squeals shortly. Their faces are just inches apart and Kelley’s hands are holding on to Alex’s hips, pressing their bodies together.

“I’m bringing sexy back” Kelley breathes against Alex’s lips, who finds it harder to breathe, each passing second.

“Them other boys don't know how to act (Yeah) I think it's special, what's behind your back? (Yeah)”

Alex’s hands are dangling off of Kelley’s shoulders and their foreheads are pressed against each other.

“So turn around and I'll pick up the slack” Kelley sings, while turning Alex around in another smooth motion. Alex’s breath hitches in her throat. Kelley places her hands on Alex’s stomach, hugging her from behind, her head resting in the space between her shoulder and her neck. One of Alex’s hands moves to Kelley’s nape, holding onto her hair. Kelley starts grinding into Alex from behind, to the rhythm of the song, their bodies synchronizing as if they are one.

“Dirty baaaabe, you see these shackles, baby, I’m your slaaave” Kelley whispers into Alex’s ear, the hot stream of air, causing goosebumps on Alex’s skin.

“I'll let you whip me if I misbehave (Uh-huh)”

Kelley leaves open mouthed kisses along Alex’s neck, who rolls her neck to the side, so Kelley has better access.

“It's just that no one makes me feel this way” Kelley says sexily, through gritted teeth, her lips brushing against Alex’s neck.

“Come here, girl (Go 'head, be gone with it) Come to the back (Go 'head, be gone with it) VIP (Go 'head, be gone with it) Drinks on me (Go 'head, be gone with it) Let me see what you're twerking with (Go 'head, be gone with it)”

Kelley continues to grind into Alex, the temperature in the club feeling like a hundred degrees. Alex feels extremely turned on and she is glad that she is no man, because otherwise her excitement would be visible by now. The alcohol in her system is making her feel everything even more intense and every touch on her skin makes her yearn for more.

“Look at those hips” Kelley sings grabbing onto Alex’s hips.

“You make me smile” she grins in Alex’s neck, while singing, which causes Alex to smile sexily, leaning even more of her weight into Kelley.

“Go 'head, child (Go 'head, be gone with it) And, get your sexy on (Go 'head, be gone with it) Get your sexy on (Go 'head, be gone with it) Get your sexy on (Go 'head, be gone with it) Get your sexy on (Go 'head, be gone with it)”

Alex can’t really take it anymore, she turns around in Kelley’s arms, grabbing a piece of her shirt with her fist and pulls Kelley through the crowd and towards the restroom. Everything feels like it happens in slow motion and that may also be because of the alcohol. Luckily, the music is also booming loudly in there and no one is waiting in line. As soon as they enter the room, Alex turns around and starts kissing her roughly. The kiss tastes like rum and Coke, mixed with coconut and fruit, due to the drinks they had before and they can’t seem to get enough of the mind-blowing taste. Kelley walks further into the room backwards, not breaking the kiss. She hits her body against several doorframes and door handles on the way, but has no reason to complain at all. Alex pushes Kelley into an empty stall and presses her against the wall roughly. The kisses are turning messy and Alex grabs onto Kelley’s belt to open up her pants. She unzips them and her hand disappears inside without hesitation. To Alex there isn’t even time to pull Kelley’s pants down properly, but instead she comes straight to the point. The both of them know, that at this point no foreplay is needed, the intoxication pushing them to another level, which is why Alex simply goes for it.

“Alex!” Kelley breathes almost voicelessly, when two of Alex’s fingers enter her. She starts moving them at a fast pace, while kissing Kelley’s neck, sucking hard on her pulse point.

“Yes! Keep going!” Kelley moans. Alex moves up to kiss her needy. Their breathes are matching into one, putting everything in perfect sync. Mid-kiss a huge smile is growing on Kelley’s face, causing Alex to also laugh into the kiss. Alex snakes her tongue over Kelley’s slowly and teasingly. They are both fully aware, just how crazy the situation is right now. The cute moment is interrupted by Kelley throwing her head back and moaning loudly, when Alex’s other hand springs to action, alternating between rubbing her clit and stroking her folds. Kelley’s hands tangle in Alex’s hair and Alex bites Kelley’s neck. Alex starts working her hands faster, knowing that Kelley wants her to go faster by the way she’s pulling her hair lightly. The whole situation is turning Kelley on in a way that quickly lets her feel strong pleasure and everything Alex touches feels like she sets it on fire. Her chest falls and rises at a quick pace and Alex knows Kelley is close, due to her closing her eyes and her mouth being slightly opened, causing this incredibly sexy face she makes right before she’s coming. She tries to hit the spot, that will bring Kelley over the edge for sure, repeatedly. Alex can see Kelley’s neck veins pop out and it turns her on immensely, leaving her even wetter than she already is. She tries to go faster and keeps on going in and out of her with a strong, incessant, steady rhythm, while rubbing her clit in circular movements. A few seconds later, Kelley reaches her climax with a loud: “Fuck, yeees, Aleeex!”

Before even properly coming down from her high, Kelley switches the positions they are standing in and pushes Alex up against the wall. With her pants still open she grabs onto Alex’s right thigh, pulling it up to her hip, causing Alex’s dress to ride up in the process. Alex watches Kelley pushing the seam of the dress higher teasingly, while sliding her hand up her leg. Their gazes meet and Alex’s pupils have dilated so much, that Kelley almost can’t see the pretty blue she loves. Kelley’s right hand moves to the middle of Alex’s legs and she can feel the wetness through her underwear, which is completely soaked. Kelley starts applying pressure, rubbing her through her string.

“Ooooh.” Alex moans loudly, pushing into Kelley’s hand, her eyes closing in bliss. Kelley pushes the garment to the side and starts sliding her fingers up and down. Right now, Alex swears this feels like dying and ascending to heaven, since she also feels like she would have exploded with just one more passing minute of Kelley not touching her. Kelley hooks her left arm under her butt and lifts her up quickly. Alex’s legs tangle behind Kelley’s back to hold onto her and she leans down to kiss her hungrily. Kelley’s fingers move further south and she enters her. Alex’s mouth forms a perfect ‘O’ and her nails dig into Kelley’s back, spurring her on to keep going. She feels the pressure in her whole body, her back arching, so that her body is pushing into Kelley even more. Kelley starts going in and out very fast and Alex loses every control over her body.

“Oh my god, yes! Faster!!”

The stall feels like a sauna and Alex feels her mind fogging up as well. She rocks into Kelley’s pushes and the walls of the stall are shaking. Over the music you can hear a thumping of Alex’s body being pushed against the wooden stall every time Kelley pushes inside her. Alex feels the orgasm building in the pit of her stomach and she shuts her eyes tightly. That’s when Kelley hits a spot that almost makes her come right away.

“Fuck yes, Kelley, right there!!!” she moans loudly.

Kelley pushes into her even harder now and Alex feels the pressure becoming an unbearably tight feeling that is just waiting to be released. Alex hears a loud crack, but doesn’t give it any attention and she’s not sure she is even able to at this point. The feeling that’s taking over her body too overpowering to be aware of her surroundings. It feels like electricity causing through her veins and she knows that this orgasm is going to be intense. Kelley kisses Alex’s lips sensually and hits the spot over and over, making Alex feel like she’s not on this planet anymore. Kelley’s voice brings her back to reality.

“Babe, look at me.” Kelley orders, brushing their lips together. Alex obliges and as soon as their eyes meet, Alex comes hard. Hot pleasure is flowing through her body and she gasps for air.

“Keeeelleeeey!” Alex moans loudly against Kelley’s lips. In fact, she moans so loudly, that Kelley has to muffle it with a kiss. Alex doesn’t know what has gotten into her, but the orgasm leaves her shameless even though they are in a public place, the feeling just too amazing to possibly stay quiet. Her walls are crushing against Kelley’s fingers hard and her body is trembling, the orgasm lasting for some time. They share some kisses, while Alex needs a while to come down from the high. Kelley lets Alex down slowly, who’s arms still rest around Kelley’s neck, while Kelley strokes her waist up and down.

“Holy shit.” Alex chuckles, in between kisses.

“Mhhm, I agree. That was some wild sex.” Kelley grins. Suddenly, Kelley furrows her forehead.

“Uhh, babe?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you also hear that cracking sound?”

“Oh, that really happened?”

They both start looking around and Kelley starts laughing loudly.

“What?” Alex asks confused. Kelley pulls Alex towards her, turning her around in the process.

“Oh my god, shit!” Alex says, her jaw dropping. The wall she just leaned against has a huge tear in the middle. She looks at Kelley in disbelieve, who is still laughing.

“Did I just fuck you so hard that the wall broke?” Kelley smirks.

“Oh no, will this be something you take pride in?” Alex groans.

“You can bet your ass I will.”

“Uuuuugh, no.” Alex says hitting her head against Kelley’s chest.  

“Come on babe, it’s just another performance to be impressed by.” Kelley winks at her.

“That actually was quite the performance.”  

“Top 3 of wildest public restroom sex?”

“Definitely top 3, but do you remember that time after the game against-“

“-Canada? Yeah, that was definitely number 1.” Kelley interrupts. They high five, followed by a kiss and fix each other’s clothes, before exiting the stall. On their way out they wash their hands and check themselves in the mirror. When they rejoin the group, Alex immediately starts dancing with Allie again, who pushes another drink into her hand. Kelley and the others make their way to the table again to also fill up on drinks. After an hour, Kelley and Bati make their way back to the dancefloor, to check up on Alex and Allie. Meanwhile, the rest of the group already wanted to head home. When they approach them Kelley and Bati share a knowing look.

“Baaaaby, wwhere were youu? I misssed you.” Alex slurs, running towards Kelley, throwing her arms around her.

“Babe, how about a round of water?” Kelley laughs.

“Noooo! How abou’…annother roun’ of drinkss?” Alex asks, pushing her pointer finger in Kelley’s chest.

“Alright, you wanna go sit?”

“Ohmygo’, yes, my feet hur-t ssso much.”

Kelley hooks her arm around Alex and guides her to the table, where Alex sits down exhaustedly.

“Just stay put for a minute okay?”

“I ain’t goin’ nowhere, Officer.” Alex says holding her hands up innocently. Kelley makes her way to the bar and orders a huge glass of water. When she returns, Bati has also managed to convince Allie to sit down for a minute.

“One special drink, for my special girl.” Kelley says, sitting down next to Alex and handing the water to her, who immediately starts drinking it thirstily until the glass is empty. She then leans her head on Kelley’s chest, cuddling up to her.

“Baabe?”

“Mhm?”

“I’m not ssstupid, that was water fo’ ssure.”

“Thank me later.”

Kelley looks at Bati and gestures for them to leave. After 15 minutes of convincing the girls that it’s time to go home, Kelley and Bati are happy to stand outside, waiting for the Uber. He first stops at Allie and Bati’s hotel and after long goodbyes and a few more minutes in the car, Kelley and Alex finally arrive in front of their apartment building. Kelley wakes Alex up, who fell asleep just moments ago and tips the Uber driver. She helps Alex out of the car and hooks her arm around her again, since she definitely needs some stabilization. They walk into the building and towards the elevator wanting to get up, however Alex gives Kelley a look of horror, due to a sign sticking on the door.

‘Out of order. Will be fixed first thing in the morning.’

“Damn it.” Kelley rolls her eyes.

“I’ll sssleep in the lobby then.” Alex slurs, leaning against the wall next to the elevator, closing her eyes. Kelley is totally aware that there is no way Alex’s is going to make it up all 12 floors using the stairs. Actually, she isn’t so sure that Alex would even make one floor, without breaking her neck, considering her state of drunkenness. Therefore, she walks up to Alex and squats down in front of her.

“Jump on.”

“Baaabe, wha’ are you doin’?”

“I’ll carry you.” Kelley says matter of factly, turning around to look at Alex.

“Are’ya craazy? I miight be drunk...BUT there’ss nnno way I’m gonna let’cha carry me 12 floorss.” Alex slurs.

“And I’m sure there is no way you are going to walk them. So, it’s either sleeping in the lobby or me carrying you. And since my fiancée isn’t sleeping in any lobbies, as long as I’m around, you’re going to have to hold on tight, babe.”

“But-“

“End of the discussion.” Kelley says squatting down again. Alex does as she’s told and holds on tight, as Kelley makes her way up the stairs with an unfaltering pace. On the way up, Alex starts very typical drunk conversations and Kelley really has to focus, so that she doesn’t have to laugh.

“Baby?”

“What is it Alex?”

“Baby, yur ssso perfect. Nooo, like reeeally reeeally perfect. Like I don’ deserv’ you.”

“That’s nonsense, princess. You’re even more perfect.”

“Sssee! You always ssay sstuff like tha’, with’cha perfect voice and cha perfect ssmile and- I jus’ love you sso much.“

“Babe, you’re drunk.”

“M’not druunk.”

Kelley stops in the middle of the staircase and turns her head to throw Alex a look of disbelief.

“Oookay, I migh’ be druunk.”

“That’s what I thought.” she says, starting to walk again.

“I loove you, though.” Alex says, pressing a kiss to Kelley’s neck.

“Duuuh.” Kelley says with a Valley girl accent, which causes Alex to laugh. When they finally arrive in their apartment, Kelley carries Alex up the last set of stairs and let’s herself fall on their bed backwards with Alex still on her back.

“Oh my god.” she breathes out exhaustedly, laying on Alex and staring up at the ceiling. Alex’s legs are still wrapped around Kelley’s hips and she softly caresses her collarbone with the one hand and her rib cage with the other. Meanwhile, Kelley strokes the back of Alex’s thighs, which she still holds on to. Alex moves to kiss Kelley’s temple and Kelley turns her head to give her a soft smile, their faces just inches apart.

“You…are my her-o.” Alex whispers, looking deep into Kelley’s eyes. Kelley can see the beautiful blue again, which seems to be even more intense, due to Alex’s eyes being glassy and a little red, which always happens when she’s drunk.

“Wanna know a secret?”

“Yah, what is it?” Alex asks lost in Kelley’s eyes. Kelley leans in and kisses her tenderly.

“Don’t tell anyone.” she whispers when she pulls away. Alex looks at Kelley infatuatedly, releasing a deep breath.

“You drive me craazy.”

“Ditto, but now it’s time to go to bed.” Kelley says pushing herself up and sitting between Alex’s legs at the edge of the bed.

“Nooo, I don’t wanna though.” Alex complains. Alex musters Kelley closely, who’s stretching her arms.  

“Your arms look ssso goo’.” Alex says, sitting up as well to kiss her back, while running her hands over Kelley’s arms. She then snakes them around Kelley’s waist and under her shirt, stroking her abs. The horny type of drunk coming out again.

“Alex.” Kelley says warningly.

“I know you wan’it, tiger.”

“I really do, but I also already had ‘it’ tonight.”

“Your sexiness is fffucking me.” Alex whispers against Kelley’s ear sultrily, causing goosebumps all over her body and heat shooting through her body. Kelley knows exactly what Alex is trying right now. Over the years, Alex has mastered to push her buttons and it demands a shit ton of self-control not to give in right now.

“Alex, stop.” Kelley says weakly.

“Look at me.” Alex says, kissing Kelley’s ear.

“I can't look, because then I see your face and it will be over.”

“Babe, I want’cha to fu-“

Kelley stands up quickly, groaning loudly, running her hands through her face in frustration.

“Uh-uh, you’re not getting in my head right now, Alex. I see you’re getting horny again and as much as I want to, we’re not doing this right now.”

“Damn, I almos’ gotcha, right?” Alex slurs.

“You always got me.” Kelley winks, starting to undress and helping Alex out of her dress as well. Kelley chuckles, when Alex immediately falls asleep as soon as she’s undressed. She makes her way downstairs again, getting another glass of water and places it on Alex’s nightstand. When Kelley’s back hits the mattress, Alex seems to sense it and rolls around, laying her head on her chest and clinging onto her as always. Kelley puts her arms around her, holding her tight and falling asleep just seconds later.  

[rehkhana]

how to untwist your mentality and have better control of your mental health

This is a guide for the people who have been in a bad place for awhile and don’t really know how to get out of it; this will be more directed at students, as school can be a lot of stress for people and can be what caused people to fall into a slump to begin with, but that doesn’t mean it can’t help if you’re not a student!

You have to remember its all about constant and consistent progress, you’re not going to jump from getting by to thriving in a day, a week, or even a month. You need to set very reasonable goals for yourself, and maybe even underestimate yourself a little at first so you don’t overwhelm yourself, it will only hurt your motivations and make you doubt any progress you’ve made so far. 

Remember, everyone crawls before they walk, walks before they run, and they have to keep running before they can work their way up to the marathon. Also, by no means am I saying that doing all these steps or making all these changes in your life will make depression or other mental illnesses magically disappear, but it can make it much easier to manage and have less intense affects on your daily life.

From what I’ve learned from trying to manage myself, there are five aspects that people usually need to work on to see an overall improvement:

Hygiene/Organization

Self Image

Fitness

Diet

Social Media Usage

Now all of these may seem either daunting or pretty superfluous, but they all work together and can make a huge change in people lives.

Hygiene/Organization

First off, hygiene and organization can make a huge change in people lives. Spending 15 minutes a day and tidying up your desk area, putting away pens and pencils, sorting papers into the correct folders, putting laundry away, cleaning up dirty clothes off of your bedroom floor, cleaning up dirty dishes, putting clean dishes away, wiping off the bathroom sink, anything that cleans up in a small way can make a huge difference on how you perceive your environment. Continually passing by something and thinking “I need to do this” or “I need to clean that,” can take a huge toll on your mental health if it continues to be an issue, as tasks build up and they become much bigger monsters than they should be. I know it can be difficult motivating and getting yourself to do these things, even if you know its beneficial to you. I understand the lethargy, but sometimes you just need to get up and force yourself to do it. Here’s what I started doing to get myself back on track:

Make yourself a habit tracker: don’t put every single task you want to make into a habit on there at once, because you’ll overwhelm yourself. Put two or maybe three tasks on there, and keep them on there until you do them constantly for 21 days or 21 times at the interval of your choosing. 

Once you get a task down for 14 days or intervals, add another task or habit you want on there. For those of us that have the problem of forgetting to shower or eat breakfast, this is perfect. Soon enough you’ll start building habits for the little things.

Don’t put huge tasks on your habit tracker; this is for small tasks that don’t require more than a half an hour of time at max 

For larger tasks, have a small planner. It doesn’t need to be extravagant, just something to get the job done. This planner is for your and you only, and it will stay that way unless you choose to share it with others, so remember that when writing down things you need to do or events you need to attend.

If you still have issues remembering and holding yourself to your schedule, talk to someone close to you and ask them to help you on your journey, or set up reminders on your phone or computer, put sticky notes around the house or apartment, anything to remind yourself.

Self Image

Secondly, and I believe this is the largest obstacle that everything else plays into, is your self image. Hygiene and organization play a large part into self image, as do the other three topics I will talk about soon, but overall there are some small (or large depending on how frequently these things occur or how closely you tie yourself to them) that you can do to improve your self image: 

Stop saying self depreciating things. An excellent guide on specifically this topic can be found here that was made by @colacharm and a few others.

Have an honest self reflection session. Do NOT just focus on your flaws but also celebrate all your positive traits. The simple act of self reflecting speaks great volumes about your character. It should be an informative session for yourself rather than a session for you to chastise yourself. 

For students, start de-associating your worth with your grades. Everyone fails, everyone falls, everyone has weak moments where they have to pick themselves back up. @study-fox made a great guide on how to deal with failure here. Even if you don’t get the grade you were hoping for in the end, it does not mean you’re less of a person or a bad student. 

Air out your issues to someone who you trust. Don’t just drop it on them spur of the moment, but ask them if it would be okay if you rant to them a little bit or have a serious conversation about yourself with them. This will let them know that this means a lot to you and is a serious matter. If they don’t want to or aren’t taking the issue seriously, just choose someone else to talk to or seek out other help. If you have a good relationship with one or both of your parents, they can be excellent support. High school counselors can be a good person to go and air out your emotions to if need be, and most colleges have support groups that you can go to as a good option. Even if you don’t go to school or have completed school, there usually is a support group in your area if you go looking for it. I understand for many money is an issue and professional therapy isn’t a viable option due to it, but there are still other resources that you can seek out:

Anxiety and Depression Support Groups here

Depression and Bipolar Disorder Groups here

OCD Support Groups here

Managing Mental Health in General here

Realize that criticism is not meant to insult you, but help you better yourself. This is a hard lesson I’ve learned and that I’m still learning. There will always be some people in the world that are out to get you riled up, but just realize that you don’t own them anything, not a single explanation or reaction, and just walk away or leave a situation like that. People who truly want to help you improve yourself and help you on your journey won’t try to upset you and will apologize if they do. 

One thing that can contribute greatly to self esteem issues and depression is feeling like you’re not doing anything or at least anything productive. Start a hobby of continue with a hobby that involves physical things or produces something that can be seen in quantity; art, writing, coin collecting, baking, cooking, ect. Even if you hobby is something that may not be able to be put into quantity, find a way to make it visible; if you have a passion or hobby of learning a language, start making physical flashcards. Having something to remind yourself that you are doing something can always help during the rainy days. 

Fitness and Exercise

Another factor that can affect your mental health is fitness and exercise. Now note that I’m not saying yoga will solve all your problems or that you should go out and become a gym junkie (although do so if you would like), exercise and physical exertion in general is an excellent way to relieve stress and pent up tension. While I don’t have the studies on hand, there have been studies linking cardio exercise to improved mood for up to 8 hours after about a 15-20 minute cardio session. Doing some exercise as simple as stretching out your muscles can make a big impact on how you physically feel and can relieve aches that have bugging you for weeks or months if you just stretch it out. Personally, just doing about 15 minutes of stretches a day has made a huge impact on how I physically feel and I’ve been having less issues with my shoulders and upper back because of it. For those of you that want to add a bit of physical exertion to your day but just can build up the motivation to do so, find it too tedious to do so, or just don’t have the time for a serious workout, here are some tips that may help:

If you have a Wii, pull it out and hook it up and play some Just Dance! It’s pretty fun if you like the songs you pick out on there and dancing to about 2-3 songs depending on how long they are will get in about 10-15 minutes of cardio, which is enough time to get in that mood benefit. 

If you don’t have a Wii or don’t have Just Dance, you can pull up the videos of them on Youtube or just pull up some videos of choreography to any song you want and follow along in the motions. The point here isn’t to become a professional dancer or even to become good at dancing, its to have some fun while getting in some cardio. 

If you’re not a fan of dancing, pull up some of those old 80s exercise videos, some of them can be fairly intense, but they can still make exercising pretty entertaining. 

If you’re more for just stretching out, put on some calming songs or sounds and just start stretching out. It doesn’t have to be an extremely long session or anything, it can be as short as 5 minutes, just something to releases some of the stress built up in your muscles. 

In general, you don’t need to go to the gym for hours each day to get benefits from exercise, just 15 minutes at home doing some stretching or something to exert yourself can have so many benefits alone. 

You don’t have to sit there and just run on a treadmill or bike for 15 minutes while staring at a wall. You can pull out a phone, tablet, laptop, or even flashcards and work a bit on studying, responding to emails, working on a paper, anything you want so you get two things done at the same time.

Diet and Nutrition

Now another important factor is diet. The saying “you are what you eat” has quite a bit of truth to it. If you have only an Iced coffee for breakfast, skip lunch, and eat a huge dinner everyday, your body isn’t going to have enough constant energy to keep you going all day and you will hit a wall. Also, what you eat makes makes an impact. Are you eating stuff that fulfills all your daily nutrient needs? Are you eating enough calories? Are you dispersing your food and energy intake evenly throughout the day or do you eat the majority of your daily food intake at one particular time or meal? You need to take note of your diet and see how all these play out in your daily life. My recommendation or this is writing down every single thing you eat every day for 3-7 days, depending on whether you diet is extremely varied or if you eating something fairly similar every day. Now, do not track calorie count, nutrient percentages, or ingredients in any of the foods until after you are done writing everything down; if you calculate all this during your tracking period, you will unconsciously or consciously change your diet to accommodate for nutrients you discover you are lacking or over-indulging on. After this calculating all this, figure out what long-term and permanent diet changes you are able and willing to do. I will make this comment also for my vegan and vegetarian friends out there, to make sure you buy supplements or vitamin fortified foods for nutrients majorly or only found in animal products, like vitamin B12, which is important in maintaining mental health. Now, here are some quick tips that worked for me. As a disclaimer, I am not saying this will work for you or is viable for you, but I’m sharing my own experience on what worked. 

Cut down on a lot of processed sugars. I don’t eat a whole ton of really sugary foods. I still eat things with sugar mind you, I still put a teaspoon of sugar in my morning coffee and eat chocolate every once in a while and what not, but I've cut almost completely cut out a lot of things like gummy bears, sour patch kids, soda, ect. Honestly a lot of my go to snacks have become Triscuits, dried fruits, yogurts, and granola and fruit bars. 

If you drink coffee in the morning, eat something before you drink coffee. Eating something in the morning makes a big difference in how you feel throughout the day, and caffeine suppresses your appetite, so drinking coffee before you eat anything will discourage you from eating or discourage you from eating enough. If you must drink coffee before you eat anything, cut down on the amount you drink before you eat, then drink the rest after you eat. 

Drink enough liquids!! Water is a necessity but honestly just drinking enough healthy liquids in general is key. I like to drink one glass of cranberry juice a day a long with one glass of milk in addition to all the water I drink. It’s crazy how just drinking one extra glass or day or just drinking enough can affect your system in amazing ways. I’d recommend the app Plant Nanny to remind yourself to drink enough water, its for both apple and android. 

Now, this is not something I’ve had experience with it so I’m not going to go in depth about it so I don’t mess up the facts or give anyone the wrong idea of how to deal with it. If you have an eating disorder of any kind, or think you may have one, or something seems off, please go here. I want every single one of you who read this post to be healthy, mentally, physically, and emotionally. 

Do not fall for fad diets! Everyone needs carbs, everyone needs fats, everyone needs enough food! Do not get sucked into thinking that ‘cleanses’ or ‘purges’ are good for you! The best way you can become healthier through diet is by creating a sustainable diet that covers all your needs, not by following one of these diets for a month or two and getting temporary changes or results. These do a lot more harm in both the long and short run than people realize.

Social Media

Now this one also contributes to of the above. Social media is a wonderful invention, it gives everyone a voice, lets everyone be connected, and introduces people to new ideas and things that they may have never known about. But given all this, its a tool that can very easily manipulate your mindset into thinking that you’re not good enough or not doing enough. I will never say to cut off social media, as its become pretty heavily integrated into our culture now, but here are some thing I would recommend:

Do not use social media at all for 1-7 days. See how much more free time you have, how it makes a difference, and how you feel while not using it. Use this time to focus on a hobby, focus on yourself, or accomplish some daily tasks you want or need to tackle. 

When you get back onto social media, purge your subscriptions and follows. Don’t follow or subscribe to anyone you do not enjoy seeing updates from or do not anticipate seeing updates from. You want all your posts or videos in your feed to be pertinent to you, so you spend less time searching or mindlessly scrolling in content. 

Do not be afraid to clean house with your social media. If you don’t really use one form of social media and only check it just to say you did, then just get rid of it. Recently I made an entirely new tumblr account because my other one was about 4 years old and it wasn’t giving me any positivity or joy anymore and I realized was just something I was clinging to because it was habit and a huge distraction from things I needed to do. I only followed a few dozen blogs on this tumblr to prevent me from being able to mindlessly scroll for literal hours and prevent myself from being productive. Sometimes you just need to push the restart button on some things to have good impacts on your life.

Conclusions 

Overall, I’d say take this guide with a grain of salt. All this advice comes from my own experiences and my own progress with my mental health. I still have bad days and bad periods, but overall they are less frequent and less intense since I started making changes like these. My experiences won’t be the same as yours, but I do hope everyone that reads this can find relief in their life and make some positive progress in managing their mental health. Here is some more resources that I’ve used in better knowing, understanding, and managing my mental and physical health: 

To be able to more easily identify emotions and emotional triggers, I use the Youper App, which is available on apple and android.

One category I didn’t touch on was sleep, which is also absolutely crucial. I personally suffer from quite a few sleep issues, insomnia and sleep paralysis being the most prominent, and I use the Runtastic Sleep Better app which functions as a sleep tracker and allows me to track disturbances in my sleep, as well as the quality of sleep I get each night. Its available on both apple and android.

Keeping a dream journal can allow you to more easily recognize what is a dream and what is not while you’re sleeping, which is immensely helpful for us who struggle with nightmares. 

I listen to ASMR a lot and I know its not everyone’s thing but if you haven’t listened to it I’d say try it and go into the experience with an open mind. I’d personally recommend WhispersRed ASMR and Gentle Whispering ASMR, they both have a wide range of videos that you can watch and see what works for you personally. 

Think of one thing a day that you appreciate or enjoy and write that thing down. Keep it in a journal or in a jar, just somewhere those writings will be safe, where you can go back and look at them on those days that are much worse than others.

Lastly, I will say trying to manage your own mental health is hard! Please reach out to someone or a group to help you in your journey. If you can afford a professional therapist then you’re golden, but I know some cannot so even just having someone there to give you support can immensely help. I hope this guide can be helpful to some! 

[musicmixtapes]

October 10, 2018 Mix

Welcome to this week's installation of music! I loved finding tracks that blended well in terms of sound and meaning, as well as playing around with the pace of the pieces so not to cause monotony inside the eardrums. Enjoy and any suggestions/opinions, send my way

Spotify Playlist (Listen in order!) 1. Walls by The Lumineers - First off, can I just say how excited I am to see new music from a group who never seems to disappoint both my ears and my heart. While listening for the first time I thought, "Wow what a great song, but this sounds kind of familiar" so when I showed it to my mom she said "Of course it sounds familiar, it's a cover of one of Tom Petty's songs" and then it made my heart that much fuller knowing that. Petty is known to have the American writing way of describing through metaphor exactly how love and relationships feel at a moment suspended in time. Using that craftsmanship and words that cut to the bone, The Lumineers created a cover that is so folky and vulnerable sounding, I am sure that Petty would not be disappointed in it. 2.  I've Just Seen A Face by The Beatles - Continuing with classics that we may find hidden in corners of our mind, that pop out into existence from time to time, is this wonderful treasure from the Help! album, a beloved album to me and most of the world, I'm sure. I specifically chose this track because the title definitely created a supernatural element in my mind that translated to the feeling that love often gives, which is that it transcends regular human volition. It causes this reaction that cannot be expressed through regular conversation and absolutely needed to be sung about, which to me, is fantastic. Also, the really fast and frantic pace of the song adds to the urgency of the message of seeing someone in passing and instantly feeling a surge of love and the need to be with them at the moment. Falling in love is sometimes done in a slow motion type fall, but in this instance, it seems more immediate. 3. Moon Barks At The Dog by Saintseneca - The lyrical value that this song has is endless, and quite honestly, I could spend a long time doing an in depth analysis of this piece line by line, but for now I won't. The main thing I wanted to go in depth with a little bit is this image of the moon barking at the dog, which is just such a strange and abstract concept to grasp. Of course, the typical thing that someone would refer to is the dog barking at the moon, which is apparently a reference to the famous statement (I had no idea this existed): "It is common for the dog to bark at the moon, but if the moon barks back, the dog becomes famous." As a person who loves strange expressions, this has quickly become one of my favorites. There is also an entire verse that nods to Bruce Springsteen and his music not being the singer's cup of tea, which I disagree, but appreciate the reference anyway. 4. Los Ageless (cover) by The Wombats - I would say I'm sorry about including another version of the same song within two months, but I am not sorry at all because it is my firm belief that different versions of the same song can change it entirely and bring fresh perspective and possibly a new interpretation of meaning. Originally a St. Vincent song from her amazing album Masseducation, it was a more techno rock sound for sure, but this alternative group brought it down with a more acoustic sound fleshed out through it. I don't think the sound was altered so much that it changed the composition entirely, but the male voice for sure gave it a perspective which I was not expecting. To have a male singer express the notion "How could anybody have you and lose you and not lose their minds too?" makes me feel a glimmer of hope to diminish toxic masculinity. 5. More Than Romantic Love by St. Lenox - I don't know exactly what to classify this as and to be fair, I'm not sure that putting this artist in a box would be serving him justice in any way. I felt that I was having a conversation with a fellow new yorker while really really cool, eclectic music was playing in the background. And I loved it. Just all of the references to living in a place in time where you are losing someone because you cannot accept the fact that they only want a platonic love, not romantic. This goes deeper though, and examines how to deal with someone who is going through personal struggle and how to reach them emotionally while being sensitive to their needs. St. Lenox has such a soulful conversational tone that speaks freely about mental health, breakup and the nervousness of the city, also shout out to Washington Square. He's an artist on the rise for sure. 6. This Is The Day by The The - This is a classic example of a song with an upbeat, generally happy sounding tune that literally step by step tells about the woes that a person with depression has to go through. It actually really reminded me of a Smiths song, where the mood totally does not match the words, and this is a trope I absolutely love to see in older music. The image of eyes being red and burning when seeing daylight is so profound because insomnia is one of the main traits of depression, so this feeling of always feeling tired in the daytime is so relatable to hear about in song, which I never have before. The synthesized sound and the acordion that are strung throughout the song really emphasize the dichotomy of the sound and feeling, which also add the layer of how you look on the outside doesn't always match how you are on the inside. 7. Greyhound by Calpurnia - Have you ever made future plans with someone you are in a relationship with, thinking that basically you'll be with them forever, and then suddenly, the time for that plan comes around, except you're not together anymore? Yeah? Me too, and apparently the writer of this song was in this exact position because that's essentially what it's about to put it in base question format. But what really satisfied me concerning this song was not the super relatable storyline aspect, but the sarcastic way of telling something pretty sad, which seemed like an epic breakup and heart break. The whole "hats of to you, for you to go" is so sassy and like a middle finger in the center of a song about still having feelings for an ex-love, which was so fun to see. I hope the subject of this song listened to this song. 8. 15 Minutes by The Strokes - Whenever asked my top favorite bands, they are always at the top of the list. I don't know exactly what resonates with me, but I have been trying to pin point the moodiness and exacerbated feelings for awhile that me and this band seems to always share. I think it's the way that Casablancas always mutters some really sad yet humorous things while hard core guitar comes in and really great drum beats and a bass line are right in line with it. This song is no exception because it totally defies the meaning of telling someone how you feel and being comfortable with oneself about it; if I may be so bold, I think it generally classifies how one with lots of anxiety would go about telling feelings from a real perspective, rather insecurely and with the approach of joking about emotions in a very honest way. 9. Think I'm Still In Love With You by Joyce Manor - A new album by an awesome punk, angsty, emo rock band, news I will never be upset to hear about. Specifically, this artist has so many different qualities going past the initial relatable angst you feel when listening to the many, many, many songs they have about not being able to get over something or feeling like a burden in someone else's life constantly. This song has a clear shift in feeling though because the uncertainty is definitely present in terms of wanting to still be in love with someone because of a past emotion, but now things seem a bit hazier and they aren't so sure if the feelings are still quite there. This song comes about midway through the album, a really great placement on their part because it signifies perhaps a shift in weather during a one sided relationship and perhaps things will change thereafter. 10. So Tied Up by Cold War Kids and Bishop Briggs - Oftentimes I speculate from an outsider's look at a song, and piece together the meaning in relation to both the music and my own life. In this instance, I didn't really have to do so because the artist actually shared exactly what his intentions were with the meaning behind this song. He said, "With every new relationship, you either talk about previous relationship stuff (warts and all), or you just pretend like they never existed. Both are kinda terrible. When you go the full disclosure route it’s probably sincere, maybe you’re even praised for your vulnerability. However, you know it’s probably gonna be used against you later, in a fight, in the worst way." So that's that, and in terms of the gospel vibes I received from this alt rock song, I am very happy and get really pumped walking down the street to it. 11. Days On A Wire by Case - This instantly gives me the image of watching a movie scene where one person is lovingly thinking about another and kind of like sitting on a train looking out the window and considering their feelings, all wrapped up in desire. So now that I have shared my mental scene, let me explain that the really awesome acoustic with horns sounds that are produced in this piece add to the love song vibes that is perceived while listening. Also, the singer's voice is super dreamy and light, at some points seeming like barely more than a whisper of phrases, adding to the whimsical elements involved in the song. Actually, the horns in this song kind of act as a guitar usually would in terms of a melodic riff that occurs between verses and choruses, and I love this difference of instruments, a unique sound. 12. In The Morning I'll Be Better by Tennis - Taking some else's pain away is the hardest thing to do, especially when it's something not curable by care and devotion on it's own, but that's precisely what the artist is intending to say in this piece, which is tragically beautiful. So originally, I perceived this to be about someone's mental anguish and a relationship of sorts attempting to remedy this suffering by acceptance and love. In fact, this is not what the artist meant, but it's still a cool interpretation if I do say so myself. It was revealed that the writer's friend was deemed terminally ill and this was their way of processing the emotions that go into realizing that someone is most likely not going to get better. It is a love song that goes beyond love, but more about the wanting to take someone's pain and endure it so they don't have to. 13. Clueless by The Marías - Yes, yes, yes. My exact thoughts when seeing that this group came out with new music, when listening to the first few bars of the song, and then again when hearing the song two full times through (once for sound and another for words and meaning). The palpable tension heard in the song is so real for so many people when having an argument and to match the tension is the dialoguing throughout that basically says they can't handle the ups and downs going through the relationship anymore. I read that this was inspired by a spat between the vocalist and her significant other, drummer-producer Josh Conway. This revelation was incredible because imagine being in a band and a relationship with someone and having to create music while a major fight is going on. Me neither. 14. Running by Nicotine's Famous Honey - If I could title this anything other than what it is, I would title it "The Art of Just Barely Getting By In Our Fucked Up World" but that would not be as aesthetic as this aptly titled name. In the past, I have publicly argued against certain styles of music, simply because I knew less about music and didn't listen to enough genres on a regular basis. I am still trying to broaden my horizons, especially in terms of R&B and the Hip Hop genre in general, but this under emphasized artist is such a beautiful example of taking one genre that is criticized for being cliched and overdone and taking it to a whole different level. I love this combination of dream-pop, low-fi indie and hip hop and R&B all in one piece, and if you haven't looked into them, definitely check out some of their other music, it is so enticing. 15. Weird Honey by Elvis Depressedly - I'm taking the meaning of this song entirely from the artist because I think it can be interpreted a hundred different ways, depending on who you are thinking about while listening to it and what kind of mental state you are in too. Also we love to see an iconic guitar riff thrown in sporadically to a pretty sad low fi rock song, so that's a pretty cool spot in hell. The meaning though: "I lied before. It’s just an homage to Jesus and Mary Chain, and has no direct meaning. This is a love song so it could be seen as a pet name, or even a symbol of a love that is strange and new but full of sweetness. I find it incredibly strange that so many people have interpreted this song to be so negative, or even a break up song, when it’s the opposite. It’s a song about new love." There you have it. 16. Wings In All Black by Gregory Alan Isakov - If you are looking for an acoustic folk artist who puts emphasis on literally every single word and note of a song, look no further, he is right here, and also in my soul forever. Hailing from his brand new album, is this gem which sinks your heart to your stomach almost immediately upon listening. I believe this to be about having to rise up out of a really dark time in your life, despite not wanting to, the fact that instead of feeding the beast of loss, you have to grow wings of your own and fight against the demons you are experiencing. The image of having "wings in black" is a nod to the struggle between staying down in a bad place and having to come out of it no matter how impossible it seems at the time. I am now noticing a lot of these songs have to do with dealing with loss and mental health day by day, which is very important. 17. Should I by Arum Rae - I have to give entire props and credits for this song to my wonderful mother, who is always good for sending me songs to listen to on a weekly basis. Particularly, I first heard this song on my ferry ride home to New Jersey for the first time since leaving for college this year, so it has earned a really special place in my heart for the year. The piano is so present in this song, which as I have mentioned in previous posts, you don't get to see a lot in newer slow songs, which have become taken over by guitar a lot of the times. Also, Rae's voice questioning her every move and overthinking all her choices for the future is so heart felt and honest that you can't help but empathize with these feelings. The message of the song is maybe taking things one step at a time is the healthiest thing you can do when things get overwhelming in life. Yes. 18. How by Daughter - Ok, so finding out that most of the songs I have chosen for this week's mix surround the topics of loss and grieving past versions of self has become super illuminating in terms of my own maturation process. Staying topic though, this group always sheds light on the painful emotions rather than the pleasurable ones, which sometimes creates a dreary mood, but I like to view it as not being afraid to voice some negativity in order to clear it out of one's mind, which many people are apprehensive to do. This song describes pain as being in slow motion and I can't explain why that is true, but it is. The lines "hold me back, hold me back" in reference to wanting to go get someone that they have lost is so crucial to the theme of the song which is moving on from something while still having regrets in regards to the situation, feeling cheated or let down by someone. 19. Killer by Phoebe Bridgers - This playlist began with this song all by it's lonesome, but all along I knew that the rest of the pieces would be built around this, so I guess this has to be the reason why all the songs are so deeply related with one another. You may be thinking, wow I can't believe this song is about one's own death, this is really morose and ominous. Yes, I totally agree and think that it's really sad and death related, but knowing that it goes deeper than that is really vital to appreciating it's beauty. This is about a relationship being buried away and while doing so, dredging up all the past memories of loving a person. There is no remedy for knowing that two people are too much for one another, but this soulful lament is definitely a start. Also, Bridgers has noted that this song is in reference to Ryan Adams, famed songwriter who had a short fling with her when she was pretty young. 20. WALLS by Kings Of Leon - I did this on purpose, I made the first and last song both titled "walls" for a particular reason. I think they both serve very different purposes and perspectives to the metaphorical walls that are being broken down and simultaneously built up within a relationship. In the covered song that the Lumineers did, we see a shift to a more positive message of hearts having walls and climbing them is a struggle, but that it is worth it for the love we get to experience on the other side of it. In contrast, this very low tempo song (especially for Kings of Leon) is about kind of the exact opposite. This is about a man's ego being utterly shattered, exemplifying walls being torn down, in order to love a woman who just took his heart with her when she left. I don't think it's all sad though; I think this experience of walls coming down around someone to experience true loss of a person is so important for personal growth and strength. Thanks for listening and reading into things really deeply with me, catch you next week! Love & Listening,

Julia 

[theaccidentalstepmom]

Breakups suck. I’ve had a few- less than most but more than many. After a breakup my feelings for the other person lie somewhere between heartbroken, totally ready to move on and hoping the other person’s fingers grow fishhooks and that they also develop a strong itch in their genitals. Somewhere in there...

There are those select humans that can somehow remain friends with their exes and genuinely support them. I admire those people and I hope to be one of those people when I grow up. That said it does take two to make that work. But in general I think those people are on a different plane and there probably don’t need to read this blog. Actually no one needs to read this blog... who reads blogs anymore? Let’s be honest this is just a glorified online journal for me to unpack the crazy making in my life. But I digress...

Breakups happen. Wish them fortune or ill but eventually you move on. Right? Sure... assuming you CAN actually make a clean break. Assuming you don’t live/work/go to school together. Assuming you’re not married (because divorcing someone is a undoing a legal contract and that doesn’t happen in a vacuum). Also assuming there’s not a child involved because then that person that you’d much happier never having to see again EVER is someone you are forced to continue interacting with for the next 18 (minus your youngest child’s age) years longer.

We have a triple threat and that’s where our story begins...

This isn’t our love story (or is it?). Well okay... a quick background. It’s 1995, Wilson high school, Portland Oregon: I’m a Senior he’s a Junior. We didn’t date but we both liked one another- but I had a boyfriend and having a crush on two boys was too much for me to handle!! I graduated, went to college, loved my life. No idea what happened to him. 12 years later years and I’d just moved to SF and who do I see on the bus? What?? Still cute, he just moved to SF from DC after a few years living in Iowa... with his wife. He’s married. Of course he is. Cool let’s be Facebook friends and I’ll see you never. Berceuse WTF would I say if I ever met your wife? “Nice to meet you I had a big crush on your husband in high school”. That’s just awkward.

But we did exchange numbers. He was a chef and I was a waitress so when he got a new job he might text me and tell me to stop by (I never did) or if we needed a new line cook I’d reach out to him (he never replied). At some point on Facebook I saw that they had a kid. Cute little thing with a buttload of hair.

Fast forward 2.5 years. It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m showing a couple friends who aregg bet single how Tinder works: “Oh no... he’s no good. See you just swipe left- hard left!”. He was like the 3rd guy that pulled up. We chatted back and forth through the app a couple times then I just texted him because I had his number and I’m paranoid about conversations through apps. (I just imagine people who work for Tinder reading them and laughing their asses off at my attempts to play it cool.) Anyways, a week later we went on our first date and it was pretty much game over for me.

He was 8 months out of a 10 year relationship and had a toddler why am I not running the other direction? That’s a great question and I have no good answer. Or at least not a sexy one... I’m attracted to vulnerable men? They’re like my catnip: “Come here kitty- Mama like”!

His son was 2.5 when we started dating. I knew I was dating a man with a child and I knew exactly what that meant. I babysat A LOT and I was a nanny for 5 years. It’s not the same thing as being a parent by any means. But compared to an average childless woman I did have a better understanding of what I was getting into and what spending hours with a toddler was like. I knew that if we were going to be in a relationship the kid comes first, I’m replaceable the child is not.

His ex was trying to move to Hawaii to live with her new boyfriend and wanted to take their son. That’s a hard no. Absolutely not. R had already filed for divorce but that got sidelined by custody. She hired a more aggressive attorney and insisted she would be taking their son. When describing his ex and her behavior R was throwing around with like crazy and narcissist and borderline.

Okay, okay... this situation is really stressful. I’m sure she’s not that bad- you married her right? Stress does not bring out the best in people’s personalities- quite the opposite. It’s hard to think straight. This is probably situational- I’m sure she’ll calm down soon. Maybe try phrasing your text this way so she doesn’t get defensive- I’m sure she’ll be reasonable if you just explain it really clearly...

Bahahaha.

I spent months empathizing with her and trying to help R better communicate with her. All in vain- it toa long time to realize she doesn’t want to communicate or compromise she just wants her way. And any attempt to have an open honest discussion is just ammunition for her to use against you in a future conversation.

If she asks R for a favor and his answer is no she’ll twist the conversation into her being victimized.

If she asks R for a favor and his answer is yes she’ll twist the situation and say that she actually did him a favor.

If R asks her for a favor she ignores him, calls him names and/or tells R he’s harassing her.

To be clear, most of the time she doesn’t ASK- she demands.

If R agrees to something once he has to agree in the future it or he’s a hypocrit.

She flat out remembers things wrong and when R shows her the screenshots of the text she wrote proving she’s m wrong she says he’s being petty.

When R asks her to discuss child related issues directly with him rather than asking their 4 year old son to communicate the message to him she tells R he’s being difficult.

When it’s her custodial time and R has a scheduled FT she bribed their son with candy or ice cream to end the call early. (He can have it after he’s done).

I feel like we’re in an alternate reality. She’s constantly coming after R legally with baseless claims. She projects all the shit she does to R and accuses him of doing it to her!! We read her motions and were like “What’s is she talking about? R didn’t do that to her she’s doing that to R!”. And no is not a misinterpretation and they’re both doing it- she’s doing it and accusing him of doing it. It’s crazy making.

Claim: R refuses to communicate with her and insists on going through attorneys.

False. She has ZERO emails or texts to back this up- they agreed to communicate via text and email. She hasn’t sent a single email or text to R to “discuss” anything so how is he refusing to communicate? R has written numerous long and detailed emails to her for years and even more over the past 10 months of Covid trying to communicate and co-parent with her, share information and get schedules finalized without the courts involvement and her responses are dismissive and often only one sentence. His attorney and her attorney even tried to resolve issues without the court but she refused to comply and court was the last resort.

Claim: wasn’t even a claim really, mores demand that both parents needing to be flexible about scheduled FaceTimes in their child is swimming or playing during that time and also be accommodating if the other parent wants to do an unscheduled call they can.

Reality: Totally... R has never denied her a FT, has been flexible when she’s asked to reschedule and he’s sent MULTIPLE emails to her saying she can do an unscheduled FT anytime she wants (just give him a heads up). She’s done maybe 4 unscheduled FaceTimes in 2 years. We don’t plan any activities during her scheduled call time because it’s her scheduled time... so her calls don’t ever “interrupt” anything. Please, I beg you, show any evidence to the contrary.

Oh and while she’s looking for evidence that doesn’t exist I’d like to show the email she just sent from December 2020 telling R that when their son was with her during Christmas he was ONLY allowed to FaceTime during his scheduled time of 6:40-8. No “bullshit” unscheduled FaceTimes calls like he did last summer when he called their son “every day” it was “harassment”.

(Calling every day would have been excessive, but not harassment. But he didn’t call every day. He had 2 scheduled FaceTimes per week by court order and in addition he called 1 extra day a week (so three calls a week). Also, important to point out is that their son, who primarily lives with his father, was going to not see his father for three months because of conflicting language in the ruling and delays in getting it clarified due to COVID and Jennie’s refusal to discuss shortening the time to what they’d agreed to.

He always texted her before his scheduled FaceTime to confirm the time would work and it wouldn’t conflict with activities they’d planned. But even though it was a scheduled call it always seemed to interrupt something fun that their son was doing: swimming, hiking, skateboarding. Funny how when she asked him to push back his call 2 hours he STILL was interrupting fun plans. It’s his SCHEDUKED time- plan your shit on a different day OR if you can’t contact R ahead of time to reschedule the FaceTime so it doesn’t conflict or interrupt your plans.

As for unscheduled FaceTimes he’d text in the morning asking to do a FaceTime in the afternoon (so giving her at least 3 or 4 hours notice so she can pick a time that works for her). She wouldn’t reply, instead he’d just immediately get a FaceTime call. To her credit she doesn’t refuse the calls and conveniently their son is often immediately available.

But it’s funny how if she knows R’s gonna call she seem to have plans, but when she doesn’t know he’s going to call she’s just sitting around the house doing jack shit.

She is bananas.

[justanothercinemaniac]

Epic Movie (Re)Watch #199 - The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Spoilers Below

Have I seen it before: Yes

Did I like it then: Yes.

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: No.

Format: Blu-ray

1) According to IMDb:

New Line Cinema wanted Peter Jackson to start the film with a prologue done by Cate Blanchett, something that Jackson didn't want to do. Ironically, a year earlier, New Line Cinema had been opposed to opening the first film with a prologue narrated by Blanchett, something, of which, Jackson was in favor.

2) Beginning this film by revisiting such an iconic moment from the first (The Bridge of Khazad Dum) and continuing to push said moment past where it ended in Fellowship helps to make the film unique. It won’t just be a retread of familiar material but instead something which continues to push the story forward as all the best sequels do. It also sets the bar high for all ensuing action, as this was one of the (if not the) best moments from the original.

3) This film really doubles down on deepening the relationships introduced in Fellowship, with the romance kinship between Sam and Frodo. It is their relationship which the audience invests in, it’s something personal we can attach to. Sure Frodo losing his life or soul to the ring would be awful, but seeing how it effects Sam just ups the pain.

4) Andy Serkis as Gollum.

Holy shit, Andy Serkis as Gollum. Don’t let the fact that this is a CG role fool you, this is pretty much ALL Andy Serkis. Gollum’s facial features were based on his performance by the animator. All the physicality, all the vocals, the emotion, the heart, the character is Andy Serkis. He is so freaking otherworldly as the iconic character, blending completely into the role in a way only the best actors can. You don’t SEE Serkis in the part because he casts anything that is him aside to embrace the devious Gollum. And while I cannot possible undersell the importance and absolutely stellar work Serkis put into the part, a motion capture role is either limited or supported by the animators behind it. The character of Gollum is a perfect marriage between animation and performance, making you not doubt for one second that this is a real living character. Stealing pretty much every scene he’s in if not the entire film, Serkis should have been nominated for an Oscar because of his role in these films but wasn’t because it was motion capture. But this does not undermine the fact that Serkis by far gives the best performance in the entire trilogy.

5) The fact that the Fellowship was broken up in the last film allows for much more character development in this one. The heroes are not fitting for screen time or development in a scene with eight other characters. By separating them into the groups of Frodo and Sam; Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli; and Merry and Pippin, all the characters get more room to shine and be developed.

6) Karl Urban may not have a lot of room to shine but that doesn’t mean he’s not as good in this movie as he is in others. Urban is a wonderfully gifted character actor, able to blend into any role which comes his way and Éomer is no different. You don’t see Urban so much as you just see the character.

7) One of my favorite things in the entire trilogy really begins to take form in this film and that is the bromance between Legolas and Gimli.

Legolas [after Éomer threatens to cut off Gimli’s head, pointing an arrow at him]: “You would die before your stroke fell.”

8) There’s this wonderful scene in the movie where Aragorn and company are at the site of the orc fight (where Merry and Pippin last were). What makes it work is that we briefly got a glimpse of this moment earlier. The orcs began fighting attackers and it looked like Pippin was going to be crushed by a horse when it just cut away. But by flashing back to what really happened while Aragorn figures it out for himself does two things well. First of all, it follows the rule of show don’t tell. Secondly: it doesn’t waste the audience’s time by showing us what happened THEN having Aragorn realize it himself. By combining it the film’s pacing improves.

9) Treebeard.

I really like Treebeard, he’s a wonderfully multifaceted character. He is able to be slow, paced, patient, but also has some deep anger sometimes. Voiced by John Rhys Davies (who also plays Gimli), the actor does a good job of making Treebeard sympathetic and interesting when (in lesser hands) he could’ve come off as boring. I dig it.

10) As with many parts of the trilogy, the Dead Marshes scene has a wonderful sense of place to it. It’s viscerally creepy and eerie, making your skin crawl and your stomach turn. Peter Jackson’s roots as a horror director really come in handy in these scene as it’s a place you know the characters should leave ASAP.

11) Can I just so: Gandalf is really freaking dramatic.

When he’s revealing to Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas that he’s been RESURRECTED (dramatic enough on its own) he even disguises his voice to make it sounds like he’s Saruman just to screw with them. And then we have this wonderful moment after Aragorn calls him Gandalf:

Gandalf: “Gandalf? Yes, that is what they used to call me.”

Dude! You did NOT forget your name! You remember literally EVERYTHING ELSE! You remember Aragorn and Merry and Pippin and everything. Take a chill pill, Gandalf.

(GIF originally posted by @marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer)

12) I really like the whole Merry, Pippin and Treebeard subplot. It’s largely conversation but it brings up a lot of really interesting ideas about why the trees should participate in the war. Not only that, but it very organically develops Merry QUITE well. He and Pippin both started out as pretty immature in the first film, but by the end of this movie (through the subplot with Treebeard) he’s accepted his responsibility and is ready to fight for what’s right.

13) Miranda Otto as Éowyn.

Although Éowyn really gets her shining moment of glory in Return of the King (and the best damn moment in the entire trilogy), I love her from the first moment we meet her in this film. She’s my favorite character in the entire trilogy. I love that she can cry/grieve but still comes off as incredibly strong. She always has the best for her people and king in mind, always looking to fight against those who threaten those she loves and constantly frustrated when others try to get in her way. She is a great leader and a great fighter, as no moment fills me with such joy as seeing this badass royal practicing how to fight with a sword. I just…gah! I fucking love Éowyn.

14) This is one of those lines in a movie which has stuck with me my entire life.

Théoden: “No parent should have to bury their child.”

It really speaks to the grief Théoden is going through and an honest truth. Children are meant to outlive their parents, not the other way around. According to IMDb:

One time while Bernard Hill was in England, a woman came up to him and told him about how one of her children had died shortly before then, and that parents shouldn't have to bury their child. His confrontation with this woman affected him so much, that he asked to have a line put in about it.

15) Cutting between the three groups in the film could have easily dogged down the pacing, but the film knows when to make their cuts. The tension continues to build organically and the structure is never disrupted.

16) The conversations between Gollum and Sméagol.

Mostly I talk about how scenes like this work from a storytelling aspect as opposed to a technical aspect. And while these moments clearly illustrate the conflict and layers within Gollum/Sméagol, I am actually more impressed with the technical aspect of it. The scene works very well with two basic rules of filmmaking: Eye line and the 180 degree rule.

You can probably gleam what eye line means just from the name of it, but it’s making sure that when you cut between two characters looking at each other between shots the eyes match. Not only is that done very well here, but so is the 180 degree rule. The 180 degree rule is very simple: it means that when two character are in the same scene they should always be on the same side of the frame. Whether the shot is a wide, over the shoulder, or whatever, unless there is movement going on in the scene they should be on the same side of the frame so the continuity matches. In this scene, Gollum is always on the left while Sméagol is always on the right. Even though they’re the same physical person sitting in the same spot, the way the scene is framed just drives home the idea that they’re talking to each other because it follows the 180 degree rule. I just really dig that.

17) One of the most tragic things about Sméagol/Gollum is that for like MOST of this film he’s actually trying to redeem himself. He’s trying to be the good buy, he’s trying to help Frodo and Sam, but it is the harm done to him by fearful men which results in his regression back to a greedy backstabber. The more you sympathize with a villain, the more powerful they are.

18) I like the little update we get on Arwen and Aragorn’s relationship via flashback, but the later extended sequence with her, Elrond, and Galadriel is always something I zone out during. I like that she’s not forgotten but also the 15 minute segment where her arc is developed can feel a little pointless TO ME at times.

19) The Wild Riders attack.

While a little long, the set piece is very well done. It has interesting, well choreographed action which takes advantage of the wide space its in and a wonderful sense of tension. And it has some very real consequences, with Aragorn not being the untouchable hero trope but instead taking a fall off a cliff and being presumed dead. Also, Legolas and Gimli have their first of many competitions of who can kill the most bad guys in it and I love that.

20) A film is a story told in cuts.

Wormtongue [after talking about how it’ll take tens of thousands to take Helm’s Deep]: “But my lord, there is no such force.”

[Saruman shows Wormtongue such a force.]

21) I get that Elrond is Arwen’s dad and he’s worried about her, but she’s an adult who is living her life. Can’t he just respect the choice she’s made to live for Aragorn instead of pressuring her out of it? Please?

22) David Wenham as Faramir.

There’s a lot more patience with Faramir than his brother Boromir had. You can see a far amount of grief in Wenham’s performance. He’s wiser than his brother but not as favored (as we will get a better peek into in Return of the King), which causes a conflict in him. He wants to please his father and make him proud, but he also understands that his father is not always the best decision maker. This conflict shows greatly in Wenham and he’s able to make the character very interesting because of that.

Faramir: “A chance for Faramir, captain of Gondor, to show his quality.”

23) Get friends who react to you not being dead like Gimli and Legolas do with Aragorn.

Gimli: “I’m going to kill him! [Not 30 seconds later] Bless you!”

Legolas [after thinking Aragorn died]: “You look terrible.”

24) I know the source material dates back to 1954, but I HATE the, “get the women and children to safety,” trope. Like, Éowyn proves that women are capable of defending themselves just as well as men can. But they’re constantly infantilized, LITERALLY thought the equivalent of children, needing to be protected and hidden away from danger. If they trusted women to fight in the battle of Helm’s Deep there wouldn’t be all this talk about, “Oh, we don’t have enough men to fight for us.” THEN FIND SOME WOMEN WHO ARE GOOD WITH A SWORD! YOU’RE LITERALLY HAVING TEENAGERS FIGHT, YOU DON’T THINK YOU CAN FIND A WOMAN WHO IS AS SKILLED WITH A SWORD AS TEENAGERS!?

25) Aragorn really gets to go on a great journey throughout the three films. I mean in the first film he’s a loner, a ranger who doesn’t lead men. But in this film he begins to accept his responsibility as a king and lead the fight in the Battle of Helm’s Deep. It’ll only grow in the third film and I appreciate that.

26) One thing that these films do really well is they don’t let situations get too dire. This is a story largely about hope and fighting because of that hope, so to have a battle be too depressing goes against that idea. Legolas and Gimli are great of keeping the human heart of a scene.

Gimli: “What’s happening out there?”

Legolas: “Shall I describe it to you? Or would you like me to find you a box?”

[Gimli laughs.]

27) Battle of Helm’s Deep

This is an absolutely incredible climax to the film in the truest sense of the word. While the battle is INCREDIBLY long the filmmakers do a great job of carrying the action and pacing so that it never loses your interest. Legolas and Gimil help with that, but so do the character choices. Théoden gives up, Aragorn is ready to fight. The battle has tides, it changes favor, and it really just does a great job of holding your interest the whole time.

28)

Théoden: “Is this it? Is this all you can conjure, Saruman?”

[Battle starts to get worse]

(GIF originally posted by @welcometoyouredoom)

29) I love this exchange.

Treebeard: “This is not our war.”

Merry: “But you’re part of this world!”

30) While this film does feature a tone of development for Merry, it is Pippin who knows what to do so Treebeard will get invested in the war. So he’ll fight. He’s a tricky one, that hobbit.

31)

Théoden: “What can men doe against such reckless hate?”

Honestly (and Aragorn’s actions prove this): unite. Stand up against hatred and bigotry together and show the world that you will not stand for it.

32) One thing I haven’t talked much about for this film which also plays a much larger factor in Return of the King is Frodo’s continued corruption. The ring is getting to him, it’s darkening him, tempting him, causing him to doubt and fear. Wood plays this VERY well, this development. It feels organic, it makes sense even if it is brought upon by an outward force. It just really works.

33) According to IMDb:

When Frodo (Elijah Wood) and Sam (Sean Astin) are in Osgiliath, Sam says, "By rights, we shouldn't even be here." This was a nod to the deviation the screenplay had taken from the book's storyline. In the book, Sam and Frodo never passed through Osgiliath.

34) I freaking love this. I forgot about this exchange and honestly it gives me hope.

35) Deciding to end the film on Gollum/Sméagol deciding to betray the hobbits in Return of the King I think works really well. It resolves his crisis of identity that has been featured in this film. He tried to be good and it didn’t work so now he’s going to be bad. I think even when a film ends on a cliffhanger there needs to be some form of resolution to it.

There’s really not a weak link in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. The Two Towers continues the excellence which began in Fellowship by giving each character more room to shine, continuing the battle of Middle Earth in an epic and investing way, while making sure these films still have a beating human heart to them. It’s just really great.

[shmosnet2]

Bizarre Claims Made To Disprove Evolution

Bizarre Claims Made To Disprove Evolution

Without getting too deep in the weeds in explaining the Theory of Evolution, it is an established scientific theory that explains the evolution of species. It’s one of those things people who understand it fully support, those who kind of get it don’t consider, and the people who see it as a rejection of their faith obsessively oppose. Over the years since Darwin and Wallace established an understanding of Natural Selection, which is the basis for the theory, many strange and bizarre claims have emerged trying to dispute it. Some are well known while others are only found in the deepest, darkest recesses of the Internet. Here are the ten most bizarre claims made by people trying to prove Evolution is “Just a theory.” See Also: 10 Ways Evolution Made Humans Worse 10 Evolution Is Just A Theory

As any scientist will tell you, a theory in science is not the same thing as that idea you get when you’re trying to figure out who stole your pudding out of the shared office fridge. In science, a theory is a collection of observable and testable facts compiled over a usually extended period of time by a wide number of people. Consider the Theory of Gravity or the Theory of Planetary Motion. These aren’t guesses people like Copernicus, Newton, and Kepler made while sitting in the tub one evening… They collected data over years of study and compiled them into a theory that has since been tested, proven, disproven, added to, and changed. The beauty of a scientific theory is that it is not set in stone. Nothing is absolute, as any new observation can change it. The current Theory of Evolution contains observations made that were impossible in Darwin and Wallace’s day. With new technologies and advancements allowing for the study of individual cells, DNA, and other aspects of life, the theory has changed significantly since it was first forwarded in the 19th century. The claim that “Evolution is just a theory” serves only to prove the person saying it doesn’t understand what a theory is—it doesn’t prove Evolution isn’t true.[1] 9 The Fossil Record Is Incomplete Of course, the fossil record is incomplete. When an organism is fossilized, it has essentially won the prize few animals or plants ever achieve. Fossilization is a truly rare event, which only occurs when the perfect situation allows for it. An organism has to be in the right place at the right time for their body to be fossilized, and that doesn’t guarantee the fossil will survive for millions of years to be found by humans. Because of this, the tiniest fraction of living organisms are ever fossilized and found. Granted, we have found millions of fossils, but if you consider the number of living organisms that have existed on the planet since life first arose, the number is infinitesimally small. Because fossils are so rare, we are constantly finding new organisms that fit into the record to help explain the changes seen over time that lead to new species arising. Whenever this occurs, it provides new answers, but also creates new questions. Those who don’t believe in evolution point to these so-called “gaps” as the reason Evolution is false. The animated series Futurama once did a great bit on how each time a new species was found to fill a gap, a new gap was created. There will always be “missing links” in the fossil record, but none that disproves the theory.[2] 8 It Relies Too Heavily On Chance Making It Mathematically Impossible

Back in 1973, an article was published in an issue of Acts & Facts, which outlined the Creationist stance of “The Mathematical Impossibility of Evolution.” The article fails in a number of respects, but like most arguments against evolution in favor of the Biblical story of Creation, it shows that the author, Henry M. Morris, Ph.D. didn’t fully understand the theory he was attempting to disprove. Despite this, people have raised the mathematical impossibility of evolution ever since. The postulation argues that because mutations occur randomly, and only the so-called “good” mutations are retained, the time needed for single-cell organisms to evolve into mankind is impossible. Dr. Morris threw some numbers out, which suggests that an organism with 200 successive mutations would require a chance of on in 1060 ((10 to the 60th power)). It seems his position relies on the total misunderstanding of how natural selection works, but this hasn’t stopped people from raising this issue whenever they argue against the Theory of Evolution.[3] 7 Evolution Has Never Been Observed

The argument that evolution has never been observed, is not testable, and isn’t falsifiable is patently false. Regardless, this claim comes up a lot on the Internet, and it generally stems from the incorrect assumption that an animal of one species has offspring of a completely different species. This isn’t how evolution… or any aspect of biology works. These claims are often brought up with another misconception related to microevolution and macroevolution. The former looks at changes within species over time, while the latter involves changes that may result in speciation. Macroevolution can be observed in the fossil record, and through DNA analysis, though it does take a considerable amount of time, but microevolution can be observed. Because microevolution revolves around the study of changes in gene frequency within a population, it can be observed in much shorter periods of time. Insects work well in this area due to their short life cycle. One example that’s easy to explain shows how populations of insects pass on a gene responsible for pesticide resistance to subsequent generations. This reduces the efficacy of pesticides and shows how the DNA changes from one generation to the next, ultimately rendering that pesticide ‘mostly harmless’ to the population.[4] 6It Defies The Second Law Of Thermodynamics

The Second Law of Thermodynamics states that “the state of entropy of the entire universe, as an isolated system, will always increase over time. The 2nd Law also states that the changes in the entropy in the universe can never be negative.” When the 2nd Law is brought up by people attempting to disprove evolution, all they manage to do is prove they don’t understand the 2nd Law. The argument suggests that living cells could never have evolved from inanimate chemicals, and similarly, multicellular life couldn’t have evolved from protozoa due to an increase in complexity. The misunderstanding would also apply to something like a snowflake, which is a complex structure that forms from disorderly parts, but as we all know, snowflakes exist. Essentially, the misunderstanding of a closed system is the reason this argument is often cited. The planet Earth is not a closed system, as energy from the sun can increase complexity. Similarly, multicellular life can increase in complexity by consuming—absorbing lower forms of life, which effectively balances out the purported decrease in entropy across the universe.[5] 5Not All Scientists Support It So It Must Be False

This argument always comes about when someone attempts to poke holes in the Theory of Evolution by saying it isn’t supported 100% by scientists. That may be true, but if only four out of five dentists can get behind a product, which amounts to 80% support, does that mean the product is absolutely worthless? Conversely, in terms of biologists who understand and accept the Theory of Evolution, it’s more like 98%. Frankly, it’s not possible to work in biology without a proper understanding of Evolution, but that’s not necessarily true of scientists who work in other fields, which may account for the 2%. The numbers of people who don’t work in a scientific field are far different. Roughly three-quarters of Americans believe that there is a scientific consensus regarding the evolution of life. When people who don’t support the Theory of Evolution were polled in a Pew Research Study, 46% believed there was a scientific consensus, while 52% believed that most biological scientists believe humans (and other forms of life) have always existed in their present form. The difference is staggering, but it’s easy to see why this argument is often raised in an attempt to disprove evolution. Of course, to be intellectually honest we do need to say that while a lack of consensus doesn’t disprove a theory, a total consensus doesn’t prove a theory either. Science is not a popularity contest.[6] 4 Evolution Cannot Explain How Life First Appeared On Earth

Evolution is the study of how life changes over time, it has absolutely nothing to do with the origin of life, but most people who don’t understand what evolutionary theory is, bring this argument up often. Evolution certainly has a lot to do with what happened to life after it first appeared, but it doesn’t deal with how life got there in the first place. The area of study that revolves around the origin of life is called abiogenesis, and it deals with the prevailing scientific hypothesis that a single event caused non-living materials to transition into living ones, though that event has yet to be identified. That’s when evolution would step into the equation, not before, and it doesn’t attempt to explain how life started. Even if the scientific community accepts the theory that life began through some extraterrestrial or supernatural means, the evolution of organisms over the following 3.5+ billion years is observable and quantifiable. That being said, biochemists have discovered a means by which primitive nucleic acids and amino acids may have formed and organized into self-replicating units, which could have been the event by which inanimate ingredients formed into the foundational elements of cellular biochemistry, but that’s not the Theory of Evolution.[7] 3 If Humans Evolved From Monkeys Then Why Are There Still Monkeys?

For some reason, this question is one that is often repeated by people attempting to disprove evolution, but the answer is simple. Humans didn’t evolve from monkeys. That should settle the argument, but sadly, it rarely works in quieting the question. Humans are hominids, which is a family of animals known as the great apes. These include humans, chimpanzees, orangutan, gorillas, and bonobo. Humans remain the only surviving species of the genus homo, which once included Neanderthals, Homo erectus, and many more. Monkeys, on the other hand, are simians who do share a common ancestor with humans and other members of the primate order. Humans are most closely related to chimpanzees, who share a common ancestor dating back some six to seven million years. Monkeys and humans’ common ancestry extends much further in the fossil record. The common ancestor between monkeys and humans lived about 25 million years ago. This argument has no basis in fact and instead relies on a misunderstanding of how speciation works in transitioning one species to another.[8] 2 The Banana Argument

Ray Comfort is a New Zealand creationist and televangelist, who once used a banana as an example of the so-called theory of Intelligent Design. Comfort attempted to explain that “the banana and the hand are perfectly made, one for the other.” He believed that the human hand was designed to hold a banana, which was shaped perfectly for our enjoyment. He further declared the peel was nature’s way of keeping bananas safe and edible for people, it has a tab at the top for easy opening, and it, therefore, disproved evolution and proved God’s existence. Here’s the problem with his claim; modern bananas are the product of years of human-imposed genetic manipulation through cross-pollination, and if it proves anything, it’s that species can change over time, as bananas are an example of human-manipulation of evolutionary mechanisms. Wild bananas are small, filled with seeds, and they taste terrible. Eventually, Comfort admitted his mistake/misunderstanding of how modern bananas came to be, saying he “was not aware that the common banana had been so modified through hybridization.” Intelligent Design was created as an attempt at bringing Creationism into the classroom by claiming it was another theory that could explain the origin of life. It didn’t take long for lawsuits and common sense to win in the end, but Creationists still try to push Intelligent Design as a viable theory, which should be taught in biology classrooms.[9] 1 The Crocoduck

Unfortunately, Ray Comfort’s use of the banana to explain his beliefs against evolution didn’t stop with the fruit. Comfort paired up with Kirk Cameron of Growing Pains fame to refute the existence of transitional fossils, which are organisms found in the fossil record showing traits of a parent and descendant species. They are useful in showing how one species transitioned over a long period of time into another, but Cameron and Comfort completely misunderstood what transitional fossils were when they pulled out a picture of what they called a “crocoduck,” claiming that evolution was false because nobody had ever found one. Cameron appeared as an expert on Fox News, where he made his claim, and the Internet had a field day. Amusingly, Cameron and Comfort’s creation came back to bite them in the rear when an organism was discovered, showing traits of both ducks and crocodiles. In 2003, a new species of ancient crocodile was found and later identified, which had a large, flat snout reminiscent of a duck’s bill. The new species was named Anatosuchus, which translates into “duck crocodile,” or, in Cameron’s words, “A crocoduck!” Technically, it’s not a duck’s bill, as it includes rows of teeth and is entirely crocodilian, but you can’t say paleontologists didn’t have a chuckle when the crocoduck entered the lexicon.[10]

https://ift.tt/2Ph6YjT . Foreign Articles December 06, 2019 at 11:43AM

[myspookyoldhouse]

Strange Things are Happening Here (Part 3)

I can't remember the exact timeline of the things that happened. There were so many instances that they were a daily occurance and became simply a part of life.

Things like flickering lights. Clocks not staying running. The tv was constantly glitching. Doors would be open when we swore we closed them. The banging in the basement. The sound of a woman coughing from the back end of the house. The constant feeling of not being alone. Of being watched.

We had started a family. Our first daughter set up in our first completed renovation job. The nursery. It was beautiful. We were so proud of it, and it was my favourite room in the house. Once our daughter was old enough to move to her new room, I spent my nights in there, feeding her, cleaning her, changing, dressing, and singing her to sleep. Until I left. Then she would wake up, sounding on the monitor as though she had been pinched. I had always sworn I heard other noises, but brushed it off as first time mom syndrome.

I constantly felt watched throughout my day with the baby. But not by someone my height. I swore I saw a child size figure in my peripheral vision constantly. Like they were ducking my sight each time. Especially when I was in the kitchen, the stairway hidden by a wall, a game of peek-a-boo around the corner was a constant.

Then I had a heart stopping experience on those very stairs. I had slipped, bringing down laundry. I will never break my word that I felt something stop me. My clothes flew down the stairs, and I seemed to be back on my solid footing. Scared, shaking, grateful. I said "Thank-you" out loud.

Maybe that's where I went wrong, but to he honest it was bound to happen. I saw it. I walked past the stairway, seeing something in my peripheral, but this time I was ready to catch it. I backed up, and there he was. A young boy. About 8 or so. Blond hair, blue pants, white shirt, sitting on the stairs. He wasn't a person. I could see the stairs behind him. Just sitting. Staring ahead.

I quickly went back to where I was going. Blood cold. Heart beating so hard I could't hear a thing. I did not just see that. I swallowed hard. And went back. He was gone.

I sat down in the kitchen. That did not just happen. I'm going crazy. I kept it to myself. I did not need to make my husband think I was going bananas from being housebound. I was just tired.

Except I kept seeing him. Standing next to the stairs watching me in the kitchen.

Eventually during a conversation about the happenings in the house I had mentioned I was convinced Carl was gone, but that there's someone still there. I joked and said maybe it was the little boy from my dreams. My husband said "You mean the one that sits on the stairs?"

Again. It's this cold rush that hits you and washes over you like a wave. He didn't just say that. I almost yelled. "I've seen him too!! I can't believe this...you mean he's real."

He nodded. "White shirt. Looks to be blond. But he's kinda see through. Sits about the third step up. Seen him a few times. I just didn't want to freak you out." Too late. I was about as freaked out as they come. I had actually witnessed a...ghost. They were actually a thing. A figure. I had always dismissed Carl as merely an energy bouncing around like an echo. I didn't see him as a figure. I had no idea what he looked like. But I saw this boy.

As the time went on I had our second daughter. I would accidently fill a third juice cup. Get out a third snack plate. I would laugh at myself. It was just a part of life seeing him randomly around. However I did eventually ask him out loud to stop bothering my babies while they slept. I saw less of him. Maybe I hurt his feelings. I'm loosing it. I was wrong. I am nuts.

That was life for a bit. Raising babies into toddlers, toddlers into talkers. My oldest talking nice full sentences. Talking to herself constantly.

Eventually she told me about her friend.

I said "What friend?"

"George!" She smiled.

"Who's George? What does he look like?" I held my breath.

"He's blond, like me! He's older though. He has blue pants and a white shirt. And blue eyes." She widened her eyes as she said the word with emphasis.

"Is he your age?" I asked trying to keep my cool as my heart did acrobatics in my rib cage.

"No, he's bigger than me." She said pointing upward.

"Is he nice?" I asked.

"Yes. But he bugs me at night. I don't like that."

For the last 3 years, I had spent getting up at 3pm or around then, to a crying child. Every. Night.

I was furious. I was scared out of my head. I was not able to show any emotion because I didn't need to scare her. My main concern.

I told my husband that night.

He asked her about it. She was consistent.

Crap.

So life went on. She and her baby sister seemed content. I would occasionally ask about how George was doing. Hear about his Mom, and his older brother.

I would keep telling myself, she's overheard something. This is just a coincidence. Anything so I could get as much little sleep as possible.

I stopped seeing him. She didn't. She said he just wanted to play, and was not scary or mean.

She'll outgrow this.

She did. She stopped mentioning George. For a while.

She was older than 10. "Remember my imaginary friend George? "

"Yes." Not this again. I was convinced he was like Puff The Magic Dragon, and lost his playmates to video games.

"I still swear he was real"

I just stared.

"I'm sure he felt real. Our imaginations are awesome at that age." I needed to pretend I could do this. Again.

That was it until the day my youngest and I were going down the stairs. Her maybe 4 stairs below me, not fast, not carrying anything. When I watched her foot slip on the edge of the stair, she started to fall. I almost fell reaching for her, and almost like in slow motion, I watched her lift upwards and back onto the step.

It was like nothing I'd seen. We stopped. She turned to me, "Did you just grab me?"

I was still to many stairs behind her. She looked confused. There was no way I touched her.

"No, you were too far. It looked like you hopped back onto the step."

"No, I was grabbed."

We stood there for a bit. That cold wash.

Silently. Carefully. Went down the rest of the stairs.

They now no longer have the luscious indoor/outdoor carpeting that made them so nice and slippy.

They eventually outright asked. "Do we have ghosts? Was George a ghost?"

Of course we don't know. I did my best. I explained my theory on the energy echo. Maybe that's what he is, and she just picked a common name and kept them from being scared, but not keeping myself from being worried.

We tried to brush it off. It turned into a family joke. The boy one the stairs. Owning the town 'Haunted House'. Nobody else wanting it because it had ghosts, and nobody in town would tell us about it, but would give is that funny look when you told them what house we live in.

It was life. Life with spirits. Energy. Something. Someone. Some more than one.

We didn't talk about it beyond the family. People think you're crazy. But at least living as a family we have each other to understand what it's like to live with history hovering around you. History you have no clue who they are or what happened to them. Until you start to research your houses history. Who owned it. Who built on it.

We needed to do this to unlock the mysteries. Well that is just what we did. And almost wished we hadn't.

[amomentoflife]

okayokay insert rant here

so im a bit hyped rn and just need to let some stuff out man there is too much on my mind sometimes my home my family my friends work my hobbies And then him but he is what i really can't talk about i mean I can talk about him it's not physically impossible it's just painstakingly difficult to admit how i really feel nothing seems to be in my control and i can't stop thinking about how we fit how when he touches me im not aware that someone else's hands are on me - but that it's him and it feels ... right ? im not sure how to explain it cause it's never happened to me before but it's like it's a part of me? it doesn't make my skin crawl like others do. it doesn't make me self conscious to have his hands on me. it feels like they're suppose to be there and i didn't even know it. then i think - am i making myself believe that? am I convincing myself that this is okay just so i can get what i want? is this real or is it another path to heartache? a bit of backstory on him: it might be about a year now since we met. a month later, the day after his birthday (which he shares with both my dad and my great-grandmother), we finally have sex. now at this point i had convinced myself i was no longer going to have sex with guys i barely knew or barely liked or didn't even like me. i hoped to find someone i could trust, get along with, find attractive, and maybe even see a future with. then he appears. our first conversation was unique and our second sealed the idea in my head that this guy could be in the running. (the topics on these particular conversations consisted of cunts and mushrooms respectively.) so i set it in motion. this seemed to be going my way. we have sex. it wasn't the best but honestly, it was my favorite time. the first time i wasn't drunk or high or both. the first time i had felt truly desired because of me. he wore a superman shirt. i got my lipstick all over him. he cooked me dinner afterwards. i took him home. we kissed goodnight. i lingered from it. he retreated away. it scared me but i pushed it from my mind and hoped for the best. i don't see him all weekend (we worked together). he barely texts me back. he stops responding all together. when i see him again - he tells me he was busy and i should be more understanding. so i try. I try so fucking hard. two weeks go by and my patience as worn thin. ive seen him talking to someone else. they're constantly together. i think the worst and hope for the best. finally, her and i work together without him there. i try to smoothly confront her. Me: so, are you seeing anyone lately? Her: yeahhh 😊😊😊i am actually Me: oh yeah?? anyone i might know? Her: yeahh he works here but we said we should keep it on the down low Me: oh come on! that's no fun! who? Her: well *all giddy and beside herself with puppy love* it's him Me: 🙂🙂😐😐🙁🙁😕😕☹️☹️😣😣😔😔😞😞😞😣😣😔😔😒😒😒🙃 i couldn't help myself when i told her the truth. she told me they were together on his birthday. I told him he was texting me the whole time. she went to have lunch with him. she cried. he apologized. she forgave him. he wouldn't even call me at first. idr what I said to get his response but he told me he wouldn't answer to ultimatums. i told him if he was ever my friend and if there was an ounce of good in him - he would call me. as I write this, i sit in the same spot on my porch where i finally got SOME of the answers i had been asking myself for weeks. was it me? did I do something wrong? why couldn't he just tell me? why wasn't he honest from the start? I barely remember the conversation but I still remember it clearly. i remember telling myself to accept it and move on. shit happens. your heart breaks. but seeing them together everyday broke it again and again. I tried to be friends with her. we were always laughing and joking and sharing stories and on the outside it seemed like real friendship. idk if it was for her - it might have been - but it never was for me. I kept wanting to get to know her more to figure out what made her better than me. why was she worth hurting me? she's pretty. sweet. funny. outgoing and loving. understanding and blunt at the same time. I always wanted her to know I never hated her or was upset with her which was absolutely true. truly. even to this day. but even now - i will always be jealous of her. at first I wouldn't look at him. wouldn't talk to him. whenever I did I was cold, mean, and just downright as cruel as i can be. I told more people about us. I belittled him whenever I could. I did ANYTHING I could to make him feel the littlest bit of how I felt. it never made it go away. I slept with other people. I got into a relationship with someone else but I never stopped thinking about him. everyday I had to stop myself from crying cause I kept asking myself why? why did this happen? why not me? why? why? why? once i returned from a vacation and he asks me why I didn't tell him I left. I said "why would I? We aren't friends." Months later, he would tell me that was the most hurtful thing I had said to him but he knows what he did was way crueler. once I hung out with them outside of work. I hated every second of it. I pretended I didn't at the time but that night still makes my stomach sick. around that same time - he told me that he thought his best friend and I would get along pretty well. I hated that thought even more. how could I be around him more than I already was? did he not see the torch I carried for him every time we looked at each other? or did he just stop seeing me entirely? did he ever? (apparently not since I also later found out he did it to turn me into a manatee) a few months after that I quit our job and finally stopped seeing him. in person and in my thoughts. he would creep in from time to time but I would push him out to gain the peace I so longingly craved since that morning after. then, three months later, I go to our old job on a night I know he has off. (We worked together for months and each had a set schedule to help make sense of my craziness.) it was a spur of the moment decision truthfully. I didn't want to go home and I really wanted to see my old friends. I wasn't there two minutes before I found out he was there. So I approached him. We talked like we used to. It seemed nothing had really changed. He told me he had picked up this shift on an impulse the day before. I told him I didn't plan on coming in until I was already on my way. He told me they broke up over a month ago. I told him I had some green. We left together and for the first time in 10 months, we had sex again. It was a very long night. Most of it more talking than anything else. He told me things I wanted to hear (I want to believe that it was all the truth but broken mirrors and all). He said he should have trusted his gut and gone back to me often. He said he was worried that we were too similar and too different. He told me he didn't want a relationship because of how soon it had been since her but if there was anyone he could be serious with - it would be me. Would be me. Does that mean it's not? We had sex again the night before. We've established we're both sleeping with other people. He tells me I'm everything he's attracted to. He tells me he's still slept with her after they've broken up. He tells me he always found me attractive - even more than he found her so. He told me there was no challenge with her. It was all vanilla. She wanted to party more than be with him. He said she broke up with him but he's happy with it. He said he thought of me. He said he missed me. He apologizes every chance he gets but I can't bare to hear it. It seems unnecessary and bit too late. My feelings grow and I can't stop them. I fantasize a future with him there and it almost seems to work. Then I remember. What's going to stop him this time? What makes this different than before? Time? Experience? Loneliness? Am I what fills the void for now? How long will it take me to get over him after this? Have I fallen for another trap? My approach this time will be different. I will not hold any punches but I will not give in until I know for sure. I will not hold it against him but I will not forget what lead us here. I am beyond scared of where it will lead but I will not withdrawal. I will be me until the end and I will not break if he cannot truly accept it. I will endure my own guilt, my aching anxiety, my wavering trust and my undying hope. I will keep my heart and mind open but I will protect both with my life. I will love and be loved in my fantasies and dread in the moments when I become aware that that's all that they could be. If we break I will mend and never look back. If we strive I will be thankful and perhaps be able to truly let go of the past. For now, I will pretend that I do not only want him. I will pretend that all is fine because in rare moments of time it really is. I will pretend that this is not killing me. I will pretend. I will. I will. My will be done.

[lessonsinkindness-blog]

i would like to leave this city

I remember the moment I fell in love with London. Up until then, I'd been a cynic. Why do people want to live in a dirty environment, full of concrete buildings, where everything is 10 times more expensive and there's not a bit of green in sight? I didn't see the appeal.

 But wandering around a bustling Covent Garden market, on a dark, snowy, December night after work -a cup of hot chocolate in my hand, and the smell of roasting chestnuts and glow of fairy lights all around - I got it. I understood what all the fuss was about. There's nowhere like London.

 People often talk of cities being ghost characters in their own right on sitcoms. What was Sex & the City without Manhattan? Or Frasier without Seattle? I can understand that. There's something about the micro culture of a small corner of your city that you can't help but come to love, and it's always there as a backdrop with the changing seasons. Since I've worked in London I've learnt so much about the rich mix of cultures in this country, witnessed a sense of community I honestly don't believe people realise exists in that setting, and sat on countless park benches on pensive lunch breaks, people watching.

 I have an annual tradition on the day before Christmas Eve - from Holborn, where I used to work, I would take the tube a few stops to Bond Street and visit Selfridge's. I peak at the famous window displays, and then I walk around the various floors, accepting a free spritz of expensive perfume here, a taste of chocolate there, just drinking in all the festivities on one of my favourite days of the year. I can never afford anything in that place, but I love just looking, and imagining what kind of Christmases all these privileged people are looking forward to.

 I guess it's no surprise that my love for Christmas and love for London combined!

 I'll always love London for those experiences. For the people, the atmosphere, the culture - the sense that there's always a new nook of the city to explore.

 So I feel sad that I've come to realise that London is that friend you can't quite let go of, but need to. It's been the backdrop of my anxiety these past few years, and more and more, I am thinking it's time to make a change.

 Of course, it's not London at all that makes me anxious. It's what it represents for me.

 I've realised that at the grand old age of 29, I'm not cut out for years and years of this constant hamster wheel of neuroses that comes with trying to hold down a "career" job in a highly competitive environment that is feeling increasingly individualistic.

 I've not done badly. I've put a lot of effort, particularly in the past 8 years, into creating a sense of purpose for myself and most importantly, security. I've kept pushing and pushing, all the while telling myself I'd step off the carousel at some point soon, that I just need to get to X, Y, or Z, and then I'll feel safe and able to take my foot off the pedal a little bit. Despite my myriad of anxieties, I'm constantly forcing myself out of my comfort zone, because we're always told that's so good for us. It has been, to a certain extent. Through that experience, I've learnt a great deal about how organisations and people operate, what inspiring leadership (and conversely, completely demotivating) leadership looks like. I feel like I've "earnt my stripes" and "learnt my craft" if I can say that about the kind of work I do. I've been lucky enough to work in places with a social purpose, and support vulnerable people. It's always been so important to my value system not to work merely to put coins in someone else's pocket, but to make a difference, and I'd like to think in my own small way I've achieved that. I've met such a vast range of people, many of whom I'm proud to call friends, because we just clicked and had so much in common, and because of my passion for what I do, some of my best friends I've met through work, because we share so many of the same principles, and that's infectious. Let's be clear, what I earn would be considered modest by some, but over the past year, I've felt I can breathe a little more financially. I don't have to worry about making ends meet, and earn enough that we can enjoy the odd holiday or treat without feeling too much of a dent.

 But...I'm tired. I mean absolutely exhausted. I'm so tired, if I'm honest some months just feel like Groundhog Day. Things that should meaningful to me feel just like going through the motions. I've lost my spark that used to wake me up in the morning and give me the push I need to get up, get on the bus, and see each day as a challenge.

 I look back on all the years I've spent having to worry about things that are frankly, just meaningless. Things that are just about being in a certain "bubble" at a certain time. The endless emails that just don't stop. Relentless dread for most of my adult life so far, trying to navigate my way through office politics. Power dynamics, egos, status...three things I don't care for, and don't want to be a part of.

 I realised the other day that for the past few years, I have spent the majority of my Mondays-Fridays feeling on edge. It starts with the alarm clock that goes off at 5am and the same first thought that's always been my first thought since working in London - "how am I going to get through today?". Then it's the buses and trains full of aggression and tension. The near-punch ups over seats. Not having a single cm of space to call your own. The sky high workload that never eases up. The dangling carrot of the next promotion and the stick of the imposter syndrome that keeps me up at night. Never being able to spend a minute of my day from the time I wake to the time I put my head on the pillow, alone.

 I just can't do it any more. These problems will always exist but in the noise of London, I can't hear myself think for long enough to understand what it really is I want out of life any more. And I want to find out. 2018 is the year it needs to change. I want space to have a life, rather than just making a living. I don't want to have to be burnt out at 50 to learn that. I don't need to - I've learnt it already. I just need to figure out what I am going to do.

 There's so many other things I want in life than the 9-5. I want to become a counsellor and study how to help people heal from trauma. I want to have more time to spend with my boyfriend, and I want him not to always have to be the one who does all the cooking and tidying up because I'm always late home and otherwise we won't get an evening. I want to make more space for things that nurture me, like my sewing, and phase out all of the things that make me feel panicky or depressed. I want to feel I have more choice over my life, rather than everything being a product of choices other people make for me. Other people decide how much my brain is worth to them, and how disposable I am. I would like to not give up on my dream to adopt and have time to commit to and enjoy that process without being pulled in a million directions. I want to experience a bit of risk in life, and stop playing it safe all the time to please other people, or myself. I want to enjoy London as a tourist, not as a frazzled, half-dead robot. I want to set up a dusty old book shop. I want to actually see where my writing takes me. And I can't do that living the life I live at the moment.

 I'm sitting here writing this with a roof over my head, snuggled in a warm bed with my creature comforts around me. Even if things change, and money gets tighter, I'll never have to struggle in the same way so many other people do in this world, and it really is a luxury to able to have the option to make these choices. That isn't lost on me. So why do I hold myself back so much from walking away? Same old, same old. Fear, embarrassment, conformity, people pleasing.

 As atheists, we believe there is no afterlife. This really is the one life we have and it's scary how quickly the clock is ticking.

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I would like to leave this city This old town don't smell too pretty and I can feel the warning signs running around my mind And when I leave this island I'll book myself into a soul asylum 'Cause I can feel the warning signs running around my mind

So here I go, I'm still scratching around in the same old hole My body feels young but my mind is very old

So what do you say? You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway Half the world away, half the world away Half the world away I've been lost, I've been found but I don't feel down

And when I leave this planet You know I'd stay but I just can't stand it and I can feel the warning signs running around my mind And if I could leave this spirit I'll find me a hole and I will live in it and I can feel the warning signs running around my mind

Here I go, I'm still scratching around in the same old hole My body feels young but my mind is very old

So what do you say? You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway Half the world away, half the world away Half the world away I've been lost, I've been found but I don't feel down

No, I don't feel down

~ Half the World Away, Oasis