#the way i had to be careful not to pedal to hard or the bike would shoot forth w the electrical engine

[healpimp]

found some sona doodles

[hockeyshmockey]

the grudge

summary: in which olivia verstappen can't get over the things her family put her through so easily. max verstappen x sibling!oc

warnings: angst, mentions of neglect and abusive behavior. this is F I C T I O N I just needed to write angst with this song, so forgive me and don't consider any of this fact!!!!!

Olivia Verstappen had been through more in life than many of her peers. Yes, some would say she lived an extravagant life with her father's former career as a driver. Most people saw the nicer houses, the way she and Max had nicer machines than some of the other kids.

What they didn't see was the constant tension in their home. The way their mother had given the two of them to their father for major custody after he yelled, holding in her flinches as she gave in. The times her and Max were punished after an unsatisfactory result in a race.

As a child, Olivia had idolized her big brother. She wanted to go to his races, her mother humoring her, and one day she ended up behind the wheel. When her father saw the way she could almost keep up with her brother, the dollar signs started flashing. And so for a few years, Olivia imagined a dream where she and her brother ended up in Formula 1 together, the first brother and sister racing line up.

It only took about five years until things fell apart. Max and Olivia were with Jos full time, and the mans behavior was getting worse and worse. There were times after a race when Max would win, and Olivia would come second (even racing up in the next age group), and their father would scream at Olivia as Max watched his sister in silence.

Olivia always contemplated calling her mother and asking her to come for her on those nights.

And I try to be tough, but I wanna scream How could anybody do the things you did so easily?

When she was 13, Olivia went to the race track to practice before the first kart race of her season. The owner of the track had seemed shocked to see her, saying he had no equipment ready for her as her father had never called to register her for the upcoming season. Olivia had pedaled her bike home (because Jos could not be bothered driving his daughter the two miles out of the city to the race track), trying to calm the rage in her veins.

Max and her father were watching a race in the living room when she came inside. "You didn't sign me up for my karting season?" Olivia asked with barley a quiver in her voice as the two males looked at her.

"You aren't good enough," Jos said with little care, shrugging as he turned back to the tv. "I'm not spending money on a kid who comes in second place. It's a waste. You're a waste."

Her father didn't see, but Max could clearly see the way Olivia's lip quivered. Tears gathered in her eyes, but the girl took a deep breath, straightened her spine and nodded. She turned on her heel, headed into the bedroom and packed a bag.

That night, she did call Sophie and ask to come home. That would be the last time she would see her father for 6 years, and the beginning of the demise of her relationship with her brother.

And I doubt you ever think about the damage that you did But I hold onto every detail like my life depends on it

"Mijn liefje," a knock came on Olivia's door in her and her mother's apartment while she was getting ready for her graduation from University.

Two years of hard work, and Olivia was graduating with a degree in mechanical engineering. She already had an internship lined up with the Williams' Racing team while she pursued her secondary degree in Engineering and Aeronautics at Oxford.

At her heart, racing was still one of Olivia's passions. And while her opportunity to pursue it as a driver had been ruined by Jos, her heart for the sport remained. And so she had taken the jump, applying with Williams' Engineering department using her mothers last name. Her father was notorious on his own, but with Max now at Red Bull, she wanted to feel as if she made this entrance into the world of F1 on her own merit.

"Ja?" she said as she opened the door to her mother's strained smile. "What's wrong?"

"Your sister just got here," Sophie explained. "But she's brought your brother."

After Olivia left Jos and went back to live with Sophie, she had tried so hard to keep her relationship with Max stable. Her brother was one of her favorite people in the world. But when he had come to see them for the first time after the move, the older boy hadn't been happy to listen to anything Olivia had to say about her choice to leave.

In Max's mind, Olivia had given up. Their father had given her a test, and she had failed. Never did he consider that as hard as Jos was on Max, it was a two fold on Olivia who could never live up to her prodigy brother.

And so over the past 5 and a half years, Olivia and Max hardly saw each other. And when they did, it was clear things were different. Max was resistant to hear Olivia out or try to see things from her side, and Olivia decided to stop trying and just wear a brave face.

"Oh, okay," Olivia shrugged. She didn't know why Vic had brought Max, but the women walked out into the living area to see the two blondes sitting. Victoria leaped up and wrapped her arms around her little sister.

One of the best things to come out of Olivia's return to Sophie's custody and home, was her newfound relationship with Victoria. Living together had brought the two girls closer than before, and Vic was there when Olivia's mental health had been in the toilet after having to talk with Jos over the years.

"Olivia," Max cleared his throat and nodded as Victoria and Olivia pulled apart.

"Max," Olivia half smiled, clasping her hands together to hold back from wrapping her arms around her brother. "I didn't expect you today."

"I didn't know you were graduating," Max said, trying to keep the accusatory tone out of his voice.

"I sent an announcement to you and Dad," Olivia furrowed her eyes, Sophie nodding as she had helped the younger girl address the cards.

"I never got it," Max's lips thinned. "I didn't even know you were in school."

"Let's be honest, when have we talked in the last five years long enough for you to ask," Olivia scoffed as her mother put a hand on her shoulder.

"And you're working at Williams?" Max ran his hands through his hair. "Why are you working for them? They're not a winning team, you should-"

"I don't need to hear that Max," Olivia said calmly. "I don't need to hear about how what I'm doing isn't enough for you, or for our father. Don't worry, he reminds me enough every day for the whole fucking family."

"Olivia," Sophie said sharply as Max looked to her in shock.

"Dad said you two hadn't spoken in a few years," he said.

"No, he calls me about once a month to remind me what a failure he thinks I am," Olivia smiled weakly as Victoria looked at her with pity in her eyes. "It wasn't enough what he did to me those years ago, he's got to make sure he leaves a lasting impression, just in case I ever feel like I'm moving past it all."

I have nightmares each week 'bout that Friday in May One phone call from you and my entire world was changed

Two years pass. Job interviews are had, and it's with the last name Kumpen, that Olivia gets a job with Red Bull Racing after completing her Masters degree. She had spent a season working under the strong female presence of Hannah Schmitz and the legend Adrian Newey, learning more than she ever thought possible, and watching her brother fight and win his first championship.

After the season had ended, Max and Olivia had retreated to Monaco for a few weeks before Olivia would return to the factory for in person work. Jos had come to spend a weekend, and Olivia had put things aside to join him and Max for dinner.

"You know they only hired you because of Max," her father said after they had finished their salads and were waiting for their main course.

"Excuse me?" Olivia asked wide eyed. "They didn't know my last name was Verstappen until a month ago."

"You think they're that stupid?" Jos laughed as he sipped his drink and Max looked away, refusing to meet Olivia's eyes.

"Max?" she asked with dread in her heart.

"I'm sorry," Max shook his head as he watched his sister's heart shatter in front of his eyes. "I mentioned it to Christian. But I knew you would be such an asset. I wanted you on my team."

"More like he didn't think you could get hired somewhere else," Jos scoffed. "F1 isn't for losers. For complainers. You've never had-"

The man was cut off by Olivia standing up. "No," she said lowly. "You don't get to do this to me. You don't get to try to make me feel like this anymore. As far as I am concerned, I am not your daughter. Lose my number, forget me, I don't care. But I never want to see you again."

With that Olivia gathered her bag and walked out of the restaurant. She went to wave her arm for a taxi when she felt a hand encircle her wrist, yanking it free and whipping around to glare at her brother.

"Olivia please-" he began to plead.

"No," she shook her head. "No. I'm done. You knew. I really thought you finally understood how I felt. But then you do this. You take this accomplishment that I was so proud of. I was so proud to think I had finally proved myself. That little girl who was screamed at every time she wasn't good enough. Told she would never amount to anything, I finally felt like she was healed. And you just fucked that up for me."

"Livvy it wasn't like that," Max fell into the use of his old nickname for her. "Please. You did get this job on your own. I promise. Talk to Christian ok? Let him tell you-"

"No Max," Olivia sighed. "No. I can't do this anymore. I really thought this was what I needed to feel healed. To fight with you and win, to get a championship and know that was a way to fulfill my dreams. But being around him every day, being around him at all, thats not something I can do anymore. And as much as I know you see it more now, I don't think you'll ever be able to get out from his thumb and from the weight of his expectations. I love you, but that's not something I can put myself through any longer."

"Livvy what does that mean?" Max asked as she turned back to the street and hailed a cab. "Please. Will I see you in England in a week? Please."

Olivia looked back at him with a sad smile before climbing into the waiting car.

Yeah, I'm so tough when I'm alone, and I make you feel so guilty And I fantasize about a time you're a little fuckin' sorry

"Max, have a good off season?" the reigning world champion was asked in his first media day of the 2021 season.

"Yeah mate," the Dutchman smiled. "Got some good relaxation in. Spent some time in the sim. It was good, but I'm glad to be back." The interviewer asked a few more standard questions out of the way before he dropped the bomb.

"So, we got some information in during testing but things have unfolded since and we wanted to bring it up with you." At the interviewers lead in, Max got hesitant and his media officer creeped closer, ready to intervene.

"It's come to our attention, that your little sister was a Junior Strategist with Red Bull last season," the interviewer asked.

"Ah, yes," Max nodded. "That was her first season with us after she interned with Williams."

"Of course," the man nodded. "Quite impressive, getting to work with Hannah Schmitz and Adrian Newey. Interning with Williams, advanced degree from Oxford. That is some talent."

"It is," Max said proudly. "She's been a star, and I've been so thankful to have her with the team."

"So what do you think about her signing a contract to join Mercedes for the next three seasons to work with Lewis?"

But even after all this, you're still everything to me And I know you don't care, I guess that that's fine

It's 2024.

Things were reversed. In 2020, Olivia had watched wistfully as Max had stood on top of his car, pumping his arms as he won his first WDC. In Abu Dhabi 2024, Max was watching from the second step as Lewis held up his trophy that had won the man his eighth World Championship.

Max held his breath as he looked to the side of the stage as Mercedes sent up a representative to gather the trophy for the constructors. To his surprise it wasn't Toto heading onto the stage, but his baby sister.

His breath stalled in his chest as Lewis and George both hopped of their podiums to wrap their arms around Olivia. His sister had the biggest smile on her face as she accepted their embraces before turning to the officials, and shaking hands as she made her way to the fourth step and the trophy waiting for her.

Three years at Mercedes had turned Olivia into a rising star. She was the second seat on Lewis' pit wall, making several calls that season that had led to Lewis securing a strong lead in the WDC standings. Toto and the team always sang her praises, and Max knew Red Bull regretted the situation that lost her to their biggest rival.

As the British National Anthem began to play, Max caught his sister's eye and smiled, sending her a nod. The girl smiled with her eyes, but he knew things weren't the same.

She wasn't ready to forgive, and she wouldn't ever be able to forget.

It takes strength to forgive, but I'm not quite sure I'm there yet

[ddoxhan]

that feeling when

baby's breath and lemon candies

word count : 2.1k words

genre : fluff in the season of spring; you were always bitter when spring came, but things changed when she came along; florist!hanni x fem!reader (a year older than hanni); hanni's a confident baby and reader fell for her at first sight but doesn't realize

t/w : none :) just cuteness overload

a/n : hanni just has the sweetest smile that can melt hearts (including mine of course) I wanted to portray that spring vibe and soft colors that are associated with it, hope I succeeded haha enjoy !

spring morning, pastel sky, chilly breeze. it was just like every other morning in this season of cherry blossoms, and that was the exact reason why you despised this time of the year. from the very first thing that greets you as you leave your doorstep, was the couple next door.

it was fine, no one was forbidding them from dating. but it was that they decided to dress tone-on-tone, to add that it was a couple look. (you were just bitter since you were the only one still single among your friend circle)

just as you make it out of your apartment building, you are met with another. at this point, you were sure that god was just making fun of you. (no, you were just bitter and single, so everything seemed to be against you, when in reality, yes you are just hella bitter)

'what a way to start my day,' as you thought to yourself. a cup of americano was exactly what you needed to refresh your day, as if whatever happened before that cup was just a dream. but soon, you do hope that it wasn't just a dream.

getting onto your bicycle, you pedaled away from your usual route, which was headed towards campus. you were on your semester break after almost losing your sanity from the dreadful event named 'finals'. (human physiology took away at least 10 years from your lifespan)

so where were you headed to so early in the morning if you were finally on that break you very much needed? to your beloved senior, chaewon's cafe. she and her girlfriend, minju, finally opened their dream coffee shop after they had graduated. (degree who? and you were so done with chaewon bringing this up whenever she was on the verge of rage quitting during her final year)

it wasn't too long ago so the shop was still relatively new to the area. that meant they neither had customers nor employees. you figured that you could lend a helping hand for the time being as they advertise their new cafe. your neighbourhood wasn't big so everyone knew everyone, therefore things weren't going to be too hard for them. yet, you wonder how you know everyone here, and still failed to notice her around.

as you were on the way there, the owner of blue rain called, pausing the music in your ears from your headphones.

"yes, ms. owner. relax, I'm on my way, no worries that I overslept."

"that's exactly why I called. I have all the right in the world to be worried cause you quite almost drooled all over your pillow while everyone in the hall was racking their brains over the final paper."

you rolled your eyes at her constant reminder of that particular 'incident' in your first year. it was a one time thing but she still brings it up whenever she gets the chance to. and like the mom she is, you're creeped out by how she knew.

"I can see you rolling your eyes at me, child. we all know you were to repeat your subject if I didn't barge into your place."

"alright alright, I made mistakes and learned from them. I'm on my bike right now, okay? continue your nagging when I'm there, bye."

"hey-"

you ended the call before she could even say another word. knowing she was going to give you an earful, all you could do is smile to yourself. the nagging can be annoying at times, but you know chaewon only meant good for you as someone older. it feels great to know that someone cares for you no matter where they are. (you're always a brat towards her, so she would cry happy tears if she knew this is what you thought of her)

making a left turn, you arrived at a road you weren't familiar with, mainly due to the fact that it wasn't the main road you usually ride past. just how did these two find a place over here? it wasn't somewhere people would drive past, not to mention that it was sort of secluded away from foot traffic.

although with that said, there were a handful of shops and a convenience store on the corner lot. this view feels familiar yet foreign, despite it still being part of the neighbourhood you knew. while the scent of flowers invaded your senses, you slowed your speed to a halt and got down, pushing your bicycle with you while admiring the scenery this street offered.

a noodle restaurant came into sight, and a laundromat sat right across it. further in, a tailor shop greeted you with a record shop beside, making you wonder if you really did travel back in time a little from all the shops. everything was so vintage until you reached the part where the cafe was supposedly located. but before that, the florist shop, blooming potion as it read, that was two lots apart caught your eye, which you still didn't know why. (flowers were always associated with spring, hence the same hatred for it)

as you approached, the sign on the glass door read 'open' but no one seemed to be in sight. maybe the owner was in the storage room, hence the unattended empty counter. the door wasn't locked either, perhaps nothing would happen if you invited yourself in, right? (you were just dumb, it's a shop, of course you can enter if it says it's open)

you looked around, finding yourself enjoying the scent of flowers, different from how it was earlier. something felt off but you couldn't put your finger on it, it just did. as your eyes laid upon a bouquet of baby's breath, a door swung open, however it wasn't the door that led to the back room, rather the one you entered from. strange, isn't it.

"I'm so sorry, miss! I didn't expect a customer so I left for some coffee real quick."

you should've known from the way you stepped into this florist shop, from the sudden fondness towards flowers. nothing could've prepared you for this sudden encounter with her. but at that moment, you didn't know.

a young girl, a little too young to be the owner, places her cup of coffee on the counter before rushing to put on her apron. she was slightly taller than you were, and probably the most beautiful girl you've ever met.

"oh, no worries. I was just taking a look around."

"is it your first time here? I've never seen you before."

she settled down a little, before flashing you that endearing smile of hers. you knew you were a goner when you noticed how your heart swelled at the way her eyes curled up into crescents. but still, you didn't know then, you couldn't have when it didn't come to mind that it was love.

"yeah, I was headed to the cafe down the road but something made me stop by."

the way her eyes sparkle every time you spoke, the glint of curiousness and attention within those orbs. it suddenly felt a little hot for you as the tip of your ears burned up a little (and it didn't go unnoticed by the girl).

"really? then it must have been fate for you to come in! feel free to choose any flower from the store, think of it as a first time gift."

you were an introvert, hence the awkwardness around people you first met. but she made you feel comfortable within this new space. so comfortable, you don't realize you were warming up to this stranger more quickly than you do with other people. (you took a total of 3 months before actually warming up to chaewon)

"oh no no, I can't possibly just get it for free."

"I insist, I left you unattended when it was my job not to, so let me make it up to you. besides, it's just a few flowers."

the attention of hers on you made your palms sweat, not that you didn't like it. you loved it, and again you just don't realize. as well as the fact that the girl don't just look at someone with such endearment.

"well, I guess I can't deny your offer if you insist, thank you."

it was already unusual that this girl seemed too young to be the owner, let alone offering a bouquet of flowers for free. you didn't question further and just accepted her kind act. not gonna lie, your heart might have skipped a beat from the thought that this was the first flower gift you received, regardless of it from a stranger. (later on, you found out that the girl didn't offer flowers to just anyone)

before the girl came bursting through the front door, you were admiring a particular bouquet of baby's breath. you remembered and decided to go with it, figuring it would be a perfect gift for the opening of the cafe. or it could be staged as chaewon's lovely thought for her girlfriend, you just knew she would do that.

"baby's breath? you must have a special someone you love a lot."

you choked a little when you heard that. usually if it came from someone like chaewon, you'd just glare at her and punch her (not literally, your punches are of a baby kitten). but when it came from her, you didn't want her to think you have a lover.

"me? not really. I've been single my entire life, it was flattering to hear that you were offering a free bouquet."

sometimes, you wanted to smack yourself when you try to impress someone with your humor but clearly, not everyone found your jokes funny. but to the girl, you were the funniest person she has ever met. (you didn't notice at that time, the girl had a small smile of victory when she heard that you were single)

"oh, that's unexpected."

"why's that?"

"I mean, you're pretty and funny, I thought you were taken."

chaewon knew you were annoying and dumb, but she didn't know that you were this dumb to not realize that the florist girl was very clearly hitting on you. the older is so glad that this little angel found you cute for being so clueless. (fun fact, minju was this clueless of chaewon's feelings that the older had to kiss her for her to realize. perhaps that was why you clicked so well with minju)

"you know, that's what I should be saying to you."

for the first time, it was the girl's turn to feel slightly flustered, but she maintained her composure. because you looked younger than you were, she thought you were her age or a year younger. which was why, she was slightly bolder than she usually is when someone interests her. (she enjoyed watching you get flustered a little, thinking you were a cute baby then)

"thank you for the flowers, really. I hope to see you around."

you didn't know where that ounce of confidence came from but you did say that, and that had the girl stifle a giggle at your attempt. you thought you were smooth, but when you heard about this interaction on another day, it happened while you were avoiding eye contact and stumbling a little over your words. as you finally got to know, you couldn't help but just cover your face with your palms as you drown in embarrassment.

"lemon candies? you really don't have to."

"I just happened to have some with me, think of it as me trying to make your day better with some gifts too."

feeling a bit overwhelmed by the flowers, you rummaged through your pockets, pulling out a few lemon candies for the girl. well, that was part of your reasoning, the part that you were mostly interested in her played a very big role. it wasn't something extravagant but they were your favourite candies, offering them to someone means they are someone important to you.

the girl brought her palm over the candies before picking it up, placing them in her apron. you swore, that smile of hers that she gives you is so contagious, you find yourself smiling along like an idiot.

"it was a pleasure meeting you too."

"if it's okay, can I get your name?"

"hanni, and I too, look forward to seeing you around."

placing the bouquet carefully into the front basket of your bicycle, you bid farewell to the girl. while you pedaled to the cafe, you couldn't figure if your heart was thumping from it, or the thought of hanni's smile.

hanni, even her name sounds lovely. if lovely and adorable was personified, it would be her. maybe this spring season was finally getting on your good side, because it was making you feel something. what was that feeling again?

that feeling when someone is in love? yeah, that feeling.

previous | masterlist | next

[shanksbaby]

Kuzan x reader - Bike date

it's your first date with Kuzan, the former admiral of the navy; he has been a friend of yours for a long time, although your friendship was not deep, after all Kuzan has always been aloof …. That's why you were surprised when he asked you out.

yes, many times you have observed his attempts to date a "very sexy lady with super big bazongas", but he has never asked you out, not even the first day he saw you behind the counter of the bar where you work . So you just thought he wasn't interested in that sense.

you had to admit that you had a few thoughts about him, about his full lips …. but you had never thought of him in a romantic sense, probably because you were already resigned to the idea that the ex admiral could never see you in that sense.

and instead…

now you find yourself with him on a bicycle ….. in the middle of the sea. You're sitting behind him, and your weapons are wrapped around his abs, so you can admire their hardness, so much so that it causes a slight blush on your face that you hope Kuzan doesn't see.

"Oh? Arara, are you blushing?" he says in his neutral tone mixed with a teasing smile. He glances briefly at you, then returns to looking at the ocean.

"Hmph" you simply answer looking away, admiring the ocean…You always liked it, you always dreamed of crossing it, but you never had the chance; you don't have a ship or a boat. And then you wouldn't know how to support yourself. " Kuzan-san, why you took me here? I'm not complaining, it's just that as a first date…it's quite unusual"

"You mentioned a while ago that your dream has always been to cross the ocean." he says casually as he continues pedaling across the orange-colored ocean due to the sunset.

" Y-your remembered?" you reoly blushing, surprised by his words " But how? You hardly rememeber words sometimes!" true, it often happened that Kuzan did not remember the words. At first you thought he had a serious problem then as you got to know him better you realized it was just his goofy personality.

he doesn't reply except with a chuckle, glancing at you briefly, and then returning to set his eyes on the horizon. After a handful of seconds he replies "It may not seem like it but I'm an attentive man, it hurts me a bit that you think me of that way" he says jokingly.

you look at him with an expression of amazement, none of the bar customers usually remembered what you said, they were all busy downing the cocktails you made them. You instinctively tighten your grip on his chest a little tighter, which elicits a grin from him.

"The sunset is really pretty...isn't it?"you ask him while posing your forehead on his back, watching the orange sun illuminating the ocean. "I'm envious of your chance to travel on the ocean. A bit weird but it's beatiful"

"I am glad that you are enjoying it, i was a bit worried that you didn't like it, that you would find terrifying" Kuzan is a very laid back guy, he doesn't seem to care about anything, or so you thought at the beginning, so much so that his attitude slightly irritated you, but in truth he's a warm hearted man.

"I'm surprised you have the energy to pedal, in short, you're not very energetic" you tell him jokingly, slightly loosening your grip on his chest and slightly spreading your legs while the ex admiral's pedaling gets slightly faster.

"Ouch" he replies with a mocking expression of hurt " I only use it as a means of transport only for short distances. I use Camael instead for the long one"

"Camael?" you ask not knowing what or who is this Camael which Kuzan talks about.

" Oh, the penguin" he answer casually, you wait a few seconds hoping he can explain further but as usual he doesn't expand on what he said, he simply throws you an amused look at your expression. Typical of him and his mysterious nature, tsk.

"Elaborate, mystery man"

" There is nothing to elaborate, Camael is just a big penguin who I use as means of transport " he shrugs " He is also my travel companion " your expression is dumbfounded, a penguin as traveler companion? That's strange…Well, this man has always been eccentric, so it shouldn't surprise you too much.

"How come I've never seen it? Everytime you come to the bar you are always alone"

"It's a bar, not a nice place for a penguin. Besides he likes more cold place" he replies in that neutral tone, but you can catch an amused tone behind his apparent indifference, by now you've gotten to know him well. You actually know a fraction of the person about him. he after all he is not one to open up very easily

"Right" you reply, and looks back to the sea "Well, i suppose that you are taking me somewhere, we aren't just standing in the ocean for no reason " 'or at least i hope so' you want to add but you stop talking.

"It's a surprise " and you groans, which causes a chuckle by Kuzan, the bastard knows your hate for the surprises. Your expression changes to a slight pout, but quickly a smile spreads across your face.

after about ten minutes you finally reach your destination, a small island, uninhabited except by some species of animals and insects. He places his bike next to a tree, and then gently takes your hand to accompany you to the exact spot.

on the lawn there is a bottle of good wine and a basket containing food, both placed on a tablecloth. Nothing special, but at the same time it was very romantic. Kuzan must have noticed your blush because another chuckle escapes him.

"Wow, I didn't make you so romantic….I thought you were more….I don't know-"

"Really, what is your opinion of me?" he asks jokingly, as he sits on the tablecloth resting on the grass and pats another part of the tablecloth with one hand, a clear invitation to sit down with him. "I am not good at these stuff, as you probably know already... Actually, I haven't had a proper date in ages" continue following your movements with his gaze as you sit next to him.

"Actually, I must say you are pretty good. I am impressed" while you slide your hand next to his, touching it, instinctively Kuzan covers yours with his big hand, "The night is really beautiful…It's always been fascinating for me"

in fact the sunset has now given way to a starry sky, from that position you can observe some constellations such as the crown of Berenice or the Dragon; all of which made the night even more romantic.

"Yeah it is beautiful" he replies and gazes at you, you realize it after a few seconds and in fact your cheeks turn red, highlighted by the light of the stars.Kuzan can look at that blush all night long and his gaze doesn't move but stays fixed on your face. For your part, even if you want to move it, there is a force that does not allow you to do it

little by little the former admiral approaches your face, opens his lips, closes his eyes, and then rests his lips on yours. Before making another move, he waits and gives you time to pull away if the kiss wasn't wanted. But you don't do it, rather you start deepening the kiss.

"My my, I didn't make you such a passionate man, Kuzan-san"

[bropunzeling]

jess bropunzelling i would die if i got a director's cut/alternate pov of leon's response to matthew accidentally popping the question post coutal. how is she chewing on this!!! are her flight or fight instincts kicking in!!! what makes her suddenly decide actually today works best but tomorrow is also fine!

Just think about it.

Leon stares down the exercise bike, then grimly hops on and starts pedaling. Despite how hard she's pushing herself, she can't not remember what Matthew said last weekend, the way he had broken the comfortable silence that had settled between them.

Just think about it.

Over the past few years, Leon has prided herself on not getting too mad at Matthew. Okay, on the ice is one thing. He practically expects it. And of course they fight -- but it's mostly teasing. Who has the better hometown. Where to go during their limited time together. Winning and losing at video games, or horse, or the stupid challenges they set for themselves throughout the season around points streaks. It's not about big stuff. When it comes to big stuff, they've been good. Talking through things. Noticing shit before it can grow into something poisonous, that brings out the worst in them both.

Right now, though, she's pretty mad.

She can't believe he fucking sprung that on her. Talking about -- and it was ten in the goddamn morning, and she was naked and her thighs were still damp and she was getting cold, the way she always does after sex, and all of the sudden he's talking about -- about marrying her.

Leon pedals harder, until the lactic acid starts burning in her quads. Then she ups the resistance.

Things have been good, is the thing. Or at least, she thought they were. Her parents like Matthew, and her sister does too. His parents like her, or at least his mom does -- she can never quite get a read on whether Big Walt actually likes her, and his advice is incredibly annoying, but Matthew doesn't seem worried, so she won't worry either. Taryn thinks she's cool, which is both flattering and kind of a trip. Even Brady's warmed up to her, and Brady nearly concussed her the year before last.

Everything has felt steady. Like Leon's finally found her sea legs. Like she's finally figured out how to manage playing as hard as she can, finding her place among her boys, and also having Matthew, too. Calling him when she's tired on the road. Spending her days off at his place when they did their swing through Florida. Planning out their bye weeks. She's navigated Christmas shopping, and more than one actual, proper date, in a restaurant with cloth napkins and everything, and she even told her grandmother -- or at least, after her mother told her grandmother first.

This summer especially she's felt like they've found a rhythm, gotten in sync. It's been comfortable. It's been easy.

And now Matthew wants to change it.

Now that Leon's legs are screaming at her, she hops off the bike and grabs a towel to wipe off the sweat. Only once she's taken care of the worst of it does she stagger off to the women's locker room and into the showers.

She wasn't lying to Matthew when she said she never thought about marriage. At sixteen, she figured she'd play until she was 35 -- 40, if she was healthy and lucky -- and then after that -- well. After that, everything else could happen. A partner. Children. Maybe moving back to Germany; maybe staying around in Canada. It was always hazy. Nothing was as clear as the scrape of skates, the noise of the crowd, the way the Cup would feel in her hands.

Now, though, she has to think about it. If nothing else, because she basically told Matthew she would.

What would it even look like, though?

As she scrubs off the sweat and grabs some shampoo from the dispenser, Leon tries to think it through. Immediately, memories from Brady's wedding last summer come to mind: the seemingly endless number of aunts and uncles and cousins who kept sucking her into conversation; all the noise that seemed to start at noon and end at midnight; the matching dresses and the speeches and the enormous cake and the dance party and the way she didn't even see Matthew until he snuck out to make out with her for ten minutes in the middle of dinner. When she tries to picture herself in Emma's place, smiling in a white dress as hundreds of people she barely knows come up to congratulate her, she wants to peel herself out of her own skin.

So. Definitely not that.

As she towels off and roots around for her street clothes in her locker, Leon tries to be logical. She knows that's not necessarily what Matthew meant. Marriage isn't a wedding, even if the thought of another enormous Tkachuk bash with her at the center of it makes her want to walk out into the wilderness and not come back. When he'd talked about it, he'd talked about permanency. About knowing she'd be there for the rest of his life.

It's more than a little frightening.

If she's honest with herself, that's the real reason she's so angry: she's fucking scared. Scared to want to tie themselves together, when it feels like they've only just figured out what being together means. Scared to choose someone -- choose Matthew -- and know that she can't take that choice back.

Scared that maybe now Matthew will realize who he thinks he wants to be with forever actually is. Someone who can't always control their temper. Who will always think about pushing him away. Even though she's trying, even though she doesn't want to be that person anymore, she knows that version of herself is still there, that it won't ever leave.

What if this time, Matthew figures out that she's too difficult to want?

Now that she's changed, Leon heads back out to the rink. Matthew and Brady are still there, horsing around. And Leon's still pretty mad -- she might always be mad; there might always be that small kernel of rage and frustration burning in the pit of her stomach for so many reasons, impossible to stamp out -- but when Matthew notices she's there and starts making his way towards her, face cracking into a wide open grin, she can feel that mix of affection and annoyance and the overwhelming desire to drag Matthew closer, to not let him out of her sight. Like a magnetic pull, impossible to ignore.

Leon may never be sure when what she felt for Matthew changed from irritation and attraction into this, this sense of love that's simultaneously comfortable and totally overwhelming. It doesn't matter. The point is that she feels it. That she wants to feel it. That she wants to care this much about somebody else, and know that they care the same amount in return.

Once Matthew's close enough, Leon grabs his jacket and drags him in; kisses him. Pulls back. "Go shower. You stink."

Matthew grins at her, eyes curving, grin somewhere between shit-stirring and soft. "Uh-huh," he says, before he sneaks another kiss.

"Shower," Leon repeats, shoving him away, before turning around to ask if Brady is getting lunch with him.

She still isn't sure that she wants that big Tkachuk wedding. Still isn't sure how to reconcile the way she imagined her life at 16 with what Matthew is asking her to consider now. Still isn't sure that this time Matthew won't finally figure out exactly the kind of person Leon is, how she's always going to be, and decide that it isn't worth it in the end.

But she is sure that she wants to have this. This intense, horrible and wonderful pressure in her chest and warmth in her limbs and sense of rightness when she and Matthew are in the same room. She doesn't want to give that up. Not now, not ever.

So. Maybe marriage is something worth thinking about.

[chaoscradle]

Winter Is Not Eternal

(um. this is really short, and i wrote this in one night at like 11pm so if it makes no sense/is too fast paced/ooc etc please excuse that i am very sleep deprived + i never write this kind of stuff so out of my element)

---

It’s snowing hard.

That’s not going to be stopping Mike from seeing Will.

It’s been too long, in Mike’s opinion – two months since they’ve been able to see each other on their own and talk without someone else with an open ear around.

Two months since the Mindflayer was sealed in the Upside Down.

Things have been a little hectic since then. Erratic and overprotective siblings and adults, paranoid friends, everyone still trying to come to terms with everything that’s happened.

It’s not that Mike isn’t upset – he really is, like really really is – but seeing Will has always just made everything so much calmer. Made his mind less clouded, more discernible and manageable. Nancy’s been following him around since the incident though, and that doesn’t exactly make his quest of spending time alone with Will any easier.

“I know what you’re going through, Mike, I’m trying to help! Why don’t you understand that?!”

She was the one who didn’t understand. Nobody does, nobody except Will. Even El doesn’t understand, she hadn’t been there – she hadn’t seen Will in the hospital, screaming and crying and struggling. She hadn’t seen Will in the shed, tear tracks staining his cheeks as he desperately tried to fight against the Mindflayer’s control. She hadn’t watched Will slowly forget who he was, and who he loved, and be completely helpless to stop it. None of them got it. Even Joyce, who had been there for every single one of those moments, didn’t get it.

But Will understands everything. He understands him on a level nobody else ever has and nobody else ever will. It’s scary sometimes, but at times like now, it’s everything he needs.

And if it takes Mike having to sneak out into the cold night snow to be able to see him without his sister breathing down his neck, so be it.

There’s more snow coming down than Mike had originally thought, and he’s come close to losing control of his bike and crashing several times as the patches of ice become less and less visible under the fresh snow.

He pedals faster.

His mind is going at a manic speed, his thoughts indiscernible besides the clear sound of all too familiar guttural screaming and the ever-present and increasingly panicked mantra of Will, Will, Will, Will playing on loop.

He’s almost there. Almost to Will.

It doesn’t take too long for him to finally reach his destination, dropping his bike under a tree by the side of the road, hidden enough for it to be left alone by any drunk teens. Taking a deep breath, he makes his way across the snow, trekking his way down a path that had unfortunately made itself all too familiar in the past few months. A path he had walked down time and time again with Lucas and Dustin, Joyce and Jonathan, sometimes Nancy – but never once he had walked down alone.

Every headstone in the cemetery has a fresh snow covering their tops, making them indistinguishable to an outsider, but not so much to Mike. He’s always been able to find Will, no matter where he is. It’s no different now, even if the circumstances aren’t the same.

He brushes the snow from the top of Will’s headstone, more for the sake of doing it than actually getting the snow off.

“Hey, Will,” Mike says, his voice breaking mid-sentence, “I… keep seeing you in everything. It’s like you’re still here, sometimes. We promised to go crazy together, but… you’re not here anymore.”

Time still passes. The world still spins. People still live their lives.

None of them care for the death of Will Byers.

But the night sky weeps alongside Mike. Its tears fall in soft, white specks, flooding the world with its sorrow for what could have been.

It snows, and it snows, and it snows, and Mike cries, and cries, and cries.

And when Mike finally heaves himself up, forcing himself back onto his bike to return home, the snow stops.

It will snow many more times – it’s only December – but for now it’s calmed down, and eventually, snow will not fall as often. 

Winter is not eternal.

Neither is spring or summer, for that matter. Eventually it becomes winter again, but after that, spring follows once more.

It will take time, but eventually, Mike will learn the same thing.

[klausinamarink]

One Kid Gone, Another Up and Vanished (part 16)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 | ao3

Lucas checks his compass again, but the needle still points north, barely jostling from his biking

“Got anything weird in yours yet?” He calls over his shoulder to where Dustin is biking behind him.

“Negative!”

Lucas looks back at the road. It’s empty with no car in sight. But he doesn’t want to twist his wheel the wrong way and splat his face against the asphalt.

His nose twinges again in reminder. Mike hadn’t punched him that hard to break it. Just hard enough that it had hurt all the way to this morning.

Lucas grips the handlebars tighter. If only Mike wasn’t so obsessed with Eleven, then he wouldn’t had punched Lucas in the face for no reason. Then maybe Mike would have been with Lucas and Dustin to see Will through that wall portal. Maybe Will would have finally come home and be not-dead.

But Mike isn’t with them. Lucas hasn’t seen him since the Wheeler house went kaput with the lights nearly exploding. Dustin had told him that he had seen Mike biking off on his own earlier and wanted to follow him.

Lucas had said no. Mike’s definitely going to find the weirdo. Who cares about her being gone when Will’s somewhere in the Upside Down?

(“And Eddie.” Dustin adds, sitting on his bed. He’d ended up sleeping over with Lucas when Mrs. Wheeler had ushered them out.

“Yeah, him too.” Lucas agrees before frowning, “Do we still have any idea who this Eddie guy even is?”

“Nope, but I know it’s not Eddie Tremblay!”)

Anyway, Mike isn’t coming back in forever. Lucas will make sure he doesn’t unless Mike gets over his stupid crush and apologizes for jeopardizing the rescue mission.

“Lucas!” Dustin yells again.

“You got something?” Lucas brakes, looking over to see Dustin had also stopped.

“Son of a bitch- No, I dropped the compass!” Dustin swears as he leans haphazardly towards the ground, reaching for the fallen object. Lucas rolls his eyes.

He looks around the street again, catching a couple posters on a nearby telephone pole. Lucas barely holds back a mourning heart when he sees Will’s missing poster, now already wrinkled and a chunk of the paper ripped off.

Will’s not dead. He reminds himself. He’s somewhere fighting demogorgons.

His gaze trails up, not really reading the other poster next to Will’s picture. But Lucas does another take.

“Dustin.” He inches closer to the pole so he can get a better look.

“Don’t worry, my compass is fine!”

“Dustin.”

“What is it?” Dustin pedals up to Lucas’ side, following his gaze.

It’s another missing poster, but it doesn’t have Will’s photo. It’s another boy, much older than them, with unruly dark hair as he grins at the camera. Printed underneath is Eddie Munson, along with a list of his important features.

Lucas sucks in a breath. He turns to Dustin, who’s wide-eyed expression stares back at him.

“You don’t think..?”

Lucas nods quickly, “There’s no other way.”

They both stare at the poster for another minute. And then they start biking again.

—

Will huffs, feeling his chest squeeze itself. Another cough starts bubbling up, but he holds it in as long as he can. He concentrates on breathing and not tripping over his feet or his bike.

Well, it’s not really his bike. Will is pretty sure that he left it on the road when the demogorgon got him. But when he had snuck back into Mike’s garage, he was awestruck to find the same one. Even down to the chipping red paint above the wheels.

He did not have time to dwell though. Will had grabbed a coil of jump rope and hurried out before any more monsters appeared.

After returning back to the current base, Will whisper-yells triumphantly, “Told you I would get it!”

Sitting on an ancient couch in the garage, Eddie gives him a shaky thumbs-up. He looks ten times worse than he did earlier with sweat and dirt sticking on his jaunt face. Even the sheets Eddie is bundled up in still makes him smaller.

Will turns and gently places the bike on the ground by the handlebars, positioning the rear to face the wagon. Then, with the salvaged rope he had found earlier, Will ties both ends to the bike and the wagon’s handle.

It takes another minute of stuffing the wagon with more blankets but Will steps back and admires his creation. Simple but perfect.

Will goes over to Eddie and pulls on his hand to stand up. Eddie does so, much slower than last time. The older boy is careful not to lean too much on Will, but he lets Eddie to do so anyway. Even though the wagon is barely five steps away, Eddie is panting like he’s just outrun the demogorgon.

“Easy, easy!” Will cries out as Eddie just flops his entire body into the wagon. Eddie doesn’t even emit a single sound. He’s not sure if that’s a good thing.

The wagon is too small for Eddie’s whole body. But after some adjustments of tucking his limbs into the space, Eddie seems to fit in better.

“You okay?” Will softly taps on Eddie’s bad ankle. Even after the cleaning it and changing the bandages, he’s not sure if it’s healing properly. The bleeding has stopped but the wound is oozing some pus. It’s also smelling bad but Will hopes it’s because of the dried blood and stuff.

Eddie moans and snuggles into the blankets around him.

Will pats Eddie on the head in comfort. “If you have to throw up, don’t swallow it. Just puke if you have to.”

Eddie snorts quietly, his eyes already closing.

Will quickly debates about keeping the spear on himself or not. He passes it over to Eddie who takes it without a word.

Will picks up the bike, pulls on the rope again to test the strength, and climbs on the seat. He stares out into the dark and desolate Maple Street.

He sucks in a shaky breath. In. Out. Ignores the ticklish sensation in his throat that’s more and more present.

Will pumps his legs on the pedals. His calves immediately spike up with the familiar burns and he welcomes it.

The bike descents down the low slope of the garage and into the street. The wagon bumps slightly but Eddie barely makes a groan.

Will stops for a moment, already winded from the effort. He looks over at Eddie, still curled up and shivering and barely holding the remaining spear. His injured leg dangles over the wagon, the shoe almost scraping the ground.

The sight almost makes Will mad. Not at Eddie, of course. But just at the circumstances of it all.

It feels like the stuff happening to them should only hurt Will, not Eddie. Eddie shouldn’t have escaped the demogorgon’s bite of death and gotten so sick that he can barely walk and eat.

It should have been Will.

Will wipes a hand under his nose and takes another deep breath.

Then he starts pedalling again.

Hopefully in the next hour, he would reach the hospital by then.

-

Taglist: @unclewaynemunson @hellion-child @steves-strapcollection @sidekick-hero @penny00dreadful @hbyrde36 @mmmmwaffles94 @princessstevemunson @sirsnacksalot @tartarusknight @lyriclight @kodaik97 @dontdrinkmylavalamp @bookbinderbitch @gutterflower77 @soaringornithopter @angeldreamsoffanfic @panicatthediaz @renaissan-vvitch @manda-panda-monium @newtstabber @little-trash-ghost @niniel-karenine @tinyplanet95 @chaosgremlinmunson

[journeyneverends]

August 24, 2025

Almost to Sebenik Croatia

Dear Little Mosey:

Hope this finds you well. Yesterday I got on the road. One of the things that happens to me as I get older is that I forget stuff. Sometimes a lot of stuff.

For example, I forgot I was old and fat and how hard it is to pedal bikes up hill when it is hot out and the bike is heavy. You would think it would be easy not to forget this but my mind is very strange sometimes. Good practice for remembering that everything changes and that there is a powerful thing called entropy.

It was a good day with a lot of turns, and wrong turns, getting out of Split, a big and busy city. Most cyclist, like me, like quieter roads. Here are some sights that I found interesting. Here is a factory powered by the sun. On its roof are solar panels.

Just behind are a range of mountains that are probably the first mountains your great step grandfather would have seen as he crossed the Adriatic Sea on his last flight from Italy north to Blechhammer Germany. This was on September 13, 1944.

Here are the mountains from the south where he would have been coming from.

You may have wondered what the bike for a journey like mine may look like. Here is a picture of the bike from the front. This is in the old part of Split and the entrance to the Emperors Palace. The palace was surrounded by very thick walls.

On the front in black bag are sleeping bag, tent and air mattress. All very light weight. On the smaller bags I carry cooking stove, food and extra clothing.

This set up is very useful when you are not sure where you will end up each night. Here is what my bike looks like from the side.

Besides maps I use ride GPS to plan my route. It looks like this.

This is much different and easier than the old days flying a B-17 Bomber. There was a guy called a navigator who had the responsibility to let your great step grandfather know where they were. He had a place on the airplane to look at maps. Here is what it looked like. Things were a lot harder back then. Can you imagine trying to find your way at night in the clouds? Or with people shooting at you?

Well I’d better sign off for now. Take care little buddy.

Love you

PS

In olden times and even now people were always scared that people were going to get them. Even now people like to live in gated communities to feel safe.

[sakurasfallingstar]

ShiSaku Week: Day 6

Comebacks were always Sakura's favorite. There were interviews, guest staring, dance practices, and just the hype that her favorite group was releasing a new album.

Now that her favorite group was releasing their title track MV, Sakura couldn't wait until the school bell rang. At the moment, she didn't really find Iruka's lecture of the invasion of mist on their homeland a priority. She drowned out his lecture, eyeing as the minutes ticked on by.

"Just a few more minutes," she thought,.

Her hands twitched with anticipation, toward her bag.

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!

that was her cue, she grabbed her bag in a hurry, and practically ran out the door. Their was no way Sakura was going to to miss this. Not this time. She unlocked her bike and pedaled as fast as she could home.

There were only a few more minutes until the MV was released, and she wasn't going to miss their special message from the group. It was something they always did seconds before the release. She's missed so many times previously, but this time would be her chance to catch it.

By the time she got home, there were only 5 minutes until the premiere. She hopped off her bike, not caring as it fell on its side, unlocked her front door, and ran inside.

"I'm home," she shouted, as she ran to her.

Her parents could only stare at eachother a bit dumbfounded.

"Well, she's your daughter," said her mother to her father, before resuming with dinner.

Shutting the door to her, she jumped on her bed, turned on the TV, and set up NinTube.

Clicking the video, she saw that the count down had already began.then it all turned white.

"Obito, I think the camera's good. You can move away now," said Sasuke.

Sakura's been stanning this group from their debut, she can already tell who is who, with just a picture of their nose. Of course she'd be able to tell who's talking without seeing who's talking.

"Ok. Ok," Obits said, moving away from the camera to stand with his group.

"Ichi, ni, san. Hello, we are F4N," they introduced together with a bow and wave.

Sakura couldn't help, the smile that spread across her face.

"There's my favorite person, " Shisui said, with excitement to the camera.

"Shisui, don't you mean 'persons?'' You'll  have Celebrities saying you're flirting with them," joked Itachi.

"Well, maybe I am," he replied, before turning to the camera yelling, "Celebrities, I love you!"

Shisui then began to do do some silly, cutesy poses.

'He's so cute,' Sakura thought with a giggle, as she watched her bias. She's sure she'll find screenshots on Tweeter later. She'll download them then.

"Shisui, quit it. We're on a time limit," stressed Sasuke.

"Oh, right."

"Anyways, we worked really hard on this MV. Each of us did our best with this concept, despite it being different from our usual stuff," began Itachi.

"Yes, got to admit. I am kinda happy we are not wearing our usual amount of eyeliner," commented Obito.

"Yes, and since we've gone with a more  bright and upbeat concept; we hope you'll enjoy seeing this side of ourselves," Sasuke, said with a smile.

"Now, without further ado, let's roll the MV," Shisui said, winking at the camera.

That wink almost killed Sakura.

The video began with them out on a boat enjoying the sun. Then, the next thing you see is them shipwrecked on an island. The music begins then. It's upbeat and makes you want to dance.

Each one of them is trying to make the island livable, from starting a bond fire to setting up some Christmas lighs around the area. Shisui even chased Sasuke around with some seaweed.

By the end of it seemed like they set up for a beach party. It was a fun concept.

Sakura was sure that this song would be the summer anthem  of the year.

Notes

Group Name: F4N (pronounced FAN)

Members (oldest to youngest): Obito, Shisui, Itachi, and Sasuke

Fandom name: Celebrities

(Get it? Cause they are their fans' biggest fan. Ok, I'll stop.)

Shisui is Sakura's ultamite bias.

Most of their concepts are dark or horror. Some may even call ot erotic...

@shisakuweek

[sofiiel]

Dial Tone Ch.3 | Lovely Bones

Chapter Theme | Previous | Masterlist | Next

You lay in bed, Motley curled on your stomach. He slept peacefully, and yet your eyes have been wide open gazing at the ceiling for hours. The ticking of the small alarm clock was maddening.

That terrifying feeling you felt in the hallway, it returned several hours ago. It sank into your core and spread, you could feel it crawl beneath your skin. "It's just the stress of everything, surely." you murmur, shutting your eyes tightly, hoping that sleep would decide to find you.

But you weren't so lucky, and by the time you so much as yawned, Motley had abandoned you and your alarm clock buzzed.

Rolling out of bed, you turn off the alarm and slide on your slippers. Trudging to your kitchen, the only way you'd survive today would be caffeine, lots of it.

Sitting on the floor on one of your many pillows that served as your couch, you flick on the TV, zoning out to the tune of your favorite early morning cartoons. "pft, and you told Eddie to grow up, hypocrite." you mutter, taking a sip of your drink.

The program cuts and the scene before you causes you to choke, spilling your drink all over the living room carpet.

"We're in the Forest Hills trailer park in east Roane County. We don't have a lot of details now, but we can confirm that the body of a Hawkins High student was discovered early this morning. Police have not released the name"

"Be sensible, don't panic could be anybody lots of Hawkins students stay at Forest Hills, just give him a call." You try and sooth yourself, going to your phone. You dial Eddie's Private line, "Yeah, I'm not here, you know what to do."

*BEEP*

Your palms start to sweat, and you check the time, "Maybe he's sleeping, it must have been a long night" You mutter, "just try again." as you redial one.

"Yeah, I'm not h-"

Hanging up the phone you chew at your bottom lip, "The main line then, Wayne should be home." You tell yourself and dial.

"You've reached the Munson resid-" slamming the phone down, you can feel yourself shake.

With your heart pounding, you rush to your closet and snatch a sweater out of it, hurriedly throwing it on as you snatch up your keys and fly out the door.

"Please, don't be the feeling," You murmured, mounting your bike and pedaling away. Cutting a corner quickly, you narrowly avoid the car as it honks at you. "Sorry!" you shout, continuing on your way.

You nearly fall as you dismount your bike, Your body shudders as you watch the police light flash, several vehicles surrounding the Munson home. "No, no," you whisper, breaking into a jog and then a run towards the home.

"Wait, you can't go in there!" Officer Callahan called, his arms hooking around your shoulders to stop you. "Damn it, let me go!" you cry out, eyes stuck to the open door. "Trust me, kid, you don't want to go in there." Officer Callahan stated calmly.

It was hard to breath, "I don't care, I need to see if-" Your words stop as someone calls for you.

"Y/n!" Wayne called again, with quick strides he pushed Officer Callahan away. "Get off, leave 'er/'im be, she/he's family." said Wayne. Callahan shrugged, he had enough to worry about and was all to happy to leave you to someone else, as long as it stop you from rushing into the crime scene.

"Was it, is it?" You can't form the words, "no," He said. Tears of relief broke through, and Wayne pulled you into a hug. "Then where is he?" You ask, muffled into his shoulder.

"We don't know." Wayne's words strained past his worry as he tried to stay calm for you. "He didn't call you?" Wayne asks. You shake your head, "no."

"But if it's not Eddie..." You whisper, looking towards the house, quietly you go unnoticed as you stand inline with the doorway. Your eyes had no clue where to look, and though your stomach twisted itself into an army knot, you couldn't look away.

"Oh god, Eddie." you breathe, "C-Chrissy." her names chokes you. Her body was as twisted as your stomach felt, arms and legs bent into odd angles. The damage was great enough to where even at a distance you could see her jaw had been pushed to the side, and her eyes seemed to be gone.

And somehow she still was just as lovely of a girl, even cut down on the living room floor.

Your head was spinning, the world beneath you seemed to turn faster. Turning you back to the trailer, you try your best to control your breathing. Closing your eyes, you breathe in deep through your nose, filling your lungs and mentally counting to seven as you exhale through your mouth.

"Ok, so where would you go?" You ask quietly, opening your eyes. "I'm not going through this again, I'm not." You told yourself. Wayne walked up to you, "did you know her?" He asked you. You nod, "yes. Chrissy Cunningham." you say/

For a moment, your voice breaks, "She wanted to buy some product. She looked like she needed to decompress so. And I knew Eddie used to like her, I thought it would...help." You explain.

"This ain't your fault." Wayne said sternly. "I just, need to find him." You say. Wayne gives a nod, you hated to leave him alone to the police, "but I doubt I'd be much help around here anyway." You thought.

"Keep me updated, and I'll do the same for you." Wayne said, before turning to head towards the police.

You stopped your bike in front of Jeff's house. There you found Corroded Coffin gathered in the garage, but no Eddie. "Has Eddie called any of you?" You call out as you walk the bike up the driveway.

"Y/n?" Gareth questioned looking you over.

"You're in your pajamas." Nick said.

"Did Eddie call you?" You repeated, "I damn well know I'm in my pajamas." you added quickly. "No, we haven't heard from him." Jeff said. "Y-you've seen the news too." He added. "Yeah," you say, swallowing hard, "and I saw....the body."

"It's bad," you relay carefully, trying to stress it, "real bad. It's not something Eddie would do, or even could do." You try to explain. Her hand shook as it moved to touch below your eye, "they pushed in or took out her, her..." you shook your head.

"Eddie might be in trouble. In more way than one." you say.

"They can't think he did it." Gareth said.

"That's not the only thing I'm worried about, If they could do that to her, whoever or...whatever, and we can't find him," You rambled.

"They might still have him, the killer might have Eddie." said Jeff.

You swiped a tear away from your eyes, you couldn't let them fall now, or it would consume you. "You don't have time for that." You think to yourself.

"The first forty-eight hours are crucial, right? We all need to be looking. I’m going to see if maybe Harvey has seen him." You say. Nick gave a nod, "We can go check the Hideout, it's in the name, right? Maybe that's where he went." Nick said.

"Thank you, we'll meet up back here, after." you say while climbing back onto your bike.

The light breeze brushed against your skin, it was hard to feel it. In your head, all you could think of was standing in the school hallway, watching Eddie as he walked away. Beyond that was a merciless cycle of what if's.

What if someone had him. What if he had gotten away somehow. What if the police already had Eddie at the station. What if he some somewhere scared. What if he was -

"Stop it." you tell your thoughts.

The moment Harvey spotted you, he simply shook his head.

"Shit." you whisper, Harvey passed you a candy bar, "chocolate's good for bad nerves. Or at least that's what my wife says." He tells you. Your eyes wander over to the beat up white van, "You don't think it could have been those strangers that pushed that van in, do you?" You ask.

Your words rushed out quickly as you said,"Maybe they were desperate for another ride, tried to take Eddie's van and things went south."

"I doubt it, don't let your fear drive you crazy. Eddie's tough, I'm sure he's fine. I just feel sorry for that poor girl." Harvey said.

"Holy shit." You exhale, wide-eyed. You turn to Harvey, "Jason!" you nearly shout. "Eh...who?" Harvey asked. "Chrissy's boyfriend. He's a hot head, and he can't find out." You said, "but of course he's going to find out, they always question the boyfriend. He might already know... I need to go." You ramble quickly again, leaving in a hurry.

"Where are you going!" Harvey called. "To keep looking!" You call out.

After hours of searching and regrouping with the boys of Corroded Coffin, you returned home. You couldn't wander about in your pajamas forever. "When the police come to your door, and they will, teh last thing you need is for the whole town to remember you rode about town in your sleep clothes." You tell yourself.

"They'll think you're crazy." you sighed, checking off names from your list. Reaching out for your phone, you went to call another number, when it rang.

"Eddie?" you ask as you answer.

"I...no, sorry Y/n, it's just me." Dustin said.

"Henderson?" You ask, "Have you seen-"

"No, that's why I called you." Dustin said quickly. "I'm guessing that means no," he added. "Have you at least heard from him?" he asks you. "No." Dustin could hear the cracks in your voice, he'd had little sympathy over the breakup as from his view it was your fault, but you knew that was nothing short of his loyalty to Eddie, who greatly looked up to.

"Gareth, Jeff and Nick haven't heard or seen him either, we've all been looking. I was going to call you and Rick, but I can't track down Rick's last name and I think he's supposed to be out of town. So his place is probably locked anyway and-"

"Ok, ok, wait. Y/n, breath." Dustin said quickly.

You do as you are told, and the dam breaks.

"Oh jeez..." Dustin murmured.

"Wait, You just say Y/n?" Asked Steve, "I'm kind of talking Steve, friend having an Ex essential crisis here." Dustin whispered, covering the bottom of the phone receiver.

"Existential crisis" Robin corrected, "no, no I mean Ex essential crisis, they broke up like weeks ago, and it's been -"

"Henderson?" You asked dryly through sniffling.

"You can hear me, can't you?" he asked. You can't help but give the smallest of smiles, "yes mini, I can hear you." You say. "Sorry, this means I don't have to use my mom voice?" Dustin asks.

"Mom voice?" Max questions quietly.

"Yeah, kids crazy good at mimicking the way his mom talks." Steve said. "So what's up with the reaction to Y/n? Old crush? On your radar?" Robin asked Steve. "No, nothing like that, she/he fell out with Nancy back when Barb went missing, blamed Nancy for it, because they were non-mutual mutual friends. I had to listen to Y/n this and that for a year, so the names kind of haunting." Steve ranted.

Robin blinked a few times. " Is everyone you know connected to the surrounding weirdness?" Robin asked.

Steve simply nodded.

"How long have you been at this?" Dustin asked you over the phone. You rub your forehead in frustration, and groan, "all morning."

"We're calling too, Steve, Robin, Max and Me. You know Steve and Robin. From band and-"

"Wheelers Ex." You finish, "yes."

"So take five, We were just about to dig into Reefer Rick ourselves." Dustin stated calmly, for fear you'd start crying again.

A knock sounded off at your door. "Someone's here, It might be-"

"Go, I'll call if anything comes up." Dustin said quickly before ended the call. Dropping the phone onto the cradle, you hurry to the door. Swinging it open with a hopeful smile, it's knocked from your face fast.

"Chief Powell," You greet.

"Not who you expected?" He asked. You shake your head, "isn't that a dumb question, considering?" You can't fight a sneer in your words. "Come on in." you sigh.

On the floor, Officer Callahan and Chief Powell sat before you on your floor pillows. Callahan looked around your small fourplex apartment. "And you live here alone?" He asked. "For the past three years, yes." You mutter.

"Where are your parents?" asked Callahan. "Probably halfway across the states in different directions. You didn't come to ask me about this side of my personal life." You snap.

"Touchy?" Callahan asked.

"My boyfri-" You exhaled and bit your lip, "my ex-boyfriend is missing and someone's killed his friend in his house. Yeah, I'm a little touchy." Your eyes turn to Powell. "Have you found any leads? Eddie could be in trouble, in danger." you press for answers.

The two officers glance at each other. "What makes you so sure he didn't do it?" asked Powell.

"Because that isn't Eddie. I've known him half my life, he couldn't do a thing like that, if he wanted to." You try and reason. "But you're the ex, how do we take your word you might be covering for him." said Callahan. Reaching into a manila folder, he pulled out two pictures and held them out to you.

"You were a member of Hellfire, every year." He said. Your eyes are stuck to the old Polaroids, they were taken for the school paper. One was the first official meeting for Hellfire. Freshman year, when you and Eddie were locked in what Wayne liked to call 'The Honey Moon' stage.

In the photo, Eddie was perched in his prized chair under the Hellfire shield, and you were on his lap, hands cupping his face as he'd pulled him into a kiss before the camera flash. It killed the composure of the photo, Nick rolled his eyes, Gareth cheered, and Jeff stood with his hands on his hips shaking his head.

But Eddie loved that photo, and so did you.

"I left Hellfire, after the breakup. Before that, I hadn't been in days, weeks." You say. "Kind of convient isn't it? Did you know or have a hunch that something was going to happen?" asked Powell, earning himself a glare.

"No. As I said, that sort of thing isn't Eddie. It's not anyone in Hellfire. We're just nerds playing make believe." You say slowly. "The world loosing it's shit about Dnd. Sure, fine. That's just mass hysteria because one vile guy did a thing. He was the exception, not the rule." You rant.

"Maybe Eddie couldn't find the line between the fiction and the reality." said Callahan.

"Who hand fed you that bullshit and how many times did you gag on it?" You snap. Then leaning back against the wall you continue in a coarse voice, "If you believe that, you have to up root the games at the arcade, you have to stop production of half the movies in the theater, pull songs off the radio, yes old man even some of your favorites. Because if you're worried that someone can get lost in the fantasy - everything we consume in our heads is a story, a fiction, these days."

"You know what someone lost in Dnd who went batshit crazy would do to a person?" You ask, leaning forward. "They'd use swords, axes, a bow, maybe fire, so it felt like magic. Chrissy would have been hacked to pieces. Not intact and looking like she fell from a twenty-story building." you glare at the two police officers.

Callahan opened his mouth to speak, "Worried about his taste in music? Same thing, Metalhead losses his shit and decides he wants to kill somebody, it'd be a bloodbath, they'd make it brutal something worthy of an album cover. But Eddie isn't Crazy." you cut in.

"Instead of suspecting him, he should be considered a victim too." you whisper, voice breaking yet again.

"So what was the break-up about?" Callahan asked. Your eyes narrow and Powell can tell you're nearing the end of your rope.

"I told Eddie to grow up because he was spending too much time playing games! I basically told him he was being a kid, and it hurt his feelings. He got scared I was ending things, so he ended them first." It comes out in a raised, shaken voice, and once more you can't reel yourself in.

"He called to take it back, I missed the call and then after thinking about it, he thought of me and kept the break-up so that I could move forward in life." You flung the tears off your cheeks with your fingers, glaring at the two men before you.

"Could the break-up have sent him over th-"

Through clenched teeth and seething eyes, you struggle to voice the words "Get out of my house" calmly.

"Look, I'm sorry if officer Callahan has off-"

"I said get out of my house. I've complied. Get out, you want more time, bring a warrant. You're not listening. So I'm done talking." You seethe.

You point to the door, "you can show your own selves out. I need to get dress and do your job and actually look for him." you say.

Powell urges Callahan to stand up, and both men head for the door. "Sorry for troubling you." Powell sighed with a shake of his head as he closed the door behind him.

For a moment you linger there on the pillow, hands gripping your ankles tightly as you stared at the front door. Trying to keep the calm you'd managed to hold. Mad at them and equally mad at yourself.

Hellfire game nights always ended the same when you and Eddie were dating, playful roleplay in his room or at your place that would have you both sore and exhausted the morning after.

"If you hadn't opened your big mouth, last night wouldn't have happened, whatever went down in that trailer." You murmur to yourself.

Getting to your feet, you lock the front door and head to your room. You would need to be dressed and prepared for anything. Half the way was already gone as it was.

Previous | Masterlist | Next

[purplesurveys]

1870

10 HOW’S

How did you get one of your scars? It was from a childhood bike accident – I was trying to go forward when two of my toes got caught up in all the gears and stuff that come with the pedals. Hurt like a mother and left a teeny tiny scar on each toe that caused the skin on it to turn whitish.

How did you celebrate your last birthday? I was super lowkey for year 26. Napped the entire afternoon (lol), then went out to dinner with my family as my birthday treat. Angela's been very busy getting focused for her boards, and it didn't seem like the ideal timing to bring the gang back together.

How are you feeling at this moment? Content that I saw my dad's side of the family today; a little bummed that I have work tomorrow. But, for a change, also very comfortable – it's been raining nonstop since last night and the weather has been surprisingly cold. I am very stoked about that hahahaha.

How did your night go last night? It felt very nice and in many ways exciting. We went to the airport to pick up my dad at the airport; the only thing that sucked was the terrible Naia traffic...but all the frustration melted away once we spotted him in the sea of people.

How did you do in high school? I was wandering aimlessly during the first half; no friends, and I was failing exams in a few classes with no initiative to do better. I was still embracing my antisocial personality (gross), pretty much. Being around the best mix of people that I could've been possibly grouped with for some reason happened by the time I reached junior year, and that really helped me open up. By then my circle of friends grew bigger, I started to do better in most of my classes, and high school became something I enjoyed.

How did you get the shirt you’re wearing? Andi gave it to me as a Christmas gift a few years back.

How often do you see your best friend? At the very least once a month.

How much money did you spend last month? More than I would've wanted to, lol. I had my birthday dinner, watched Miss Saigon a second time, bought RM's album as a set (aka the most expensive option)...not a proud month for me as far as expenses, so I'm being more watchful these days and being thriftier than usual so that it can all balance out.

How old do you want to be when you get married? I initially planned for it to be between the ages of 27-29, but that's clearly not in the cards anymore.

How old will you be at your next birthday? I will be 27.

9 WHAT’S

What is the most important part of your life? Spending time with my family and seeing them as much as I can. The health of everyone around me, too. Funny how priorities can change so fast; I used to care about nothing but my career.

What did you do last weekend? Last weekend was super uneventful so I'll just recap what we did this weekend – we picked my dad up from the airport last night, then today we took a day trip to Laguna to visit his family. I had seafood and empanadas that my grandparents made, shared funny stories, and played with their newest dog. Tonight I'm just winding down with a cup of coffee and trying to relax before I go ahead with a new work week starting tomorrow.

What did you last cry over? It was a snippet from Seventeen's In the Soop – all other members were out of sight, and it was just Joshua keeping Seungkwan, who unbeknownst to Shua had quietly been going through a lot, company. Joshua says a few comforting words here and there but what broke me was when Seungkwan finally allowed himself to let go and sob on Joshua's shoulders while the latter just lets him be while saying, "It must've been hard, right?"

I guess I empathized with Seungkwan since we're the same age and also as the same kind of person who prefers to bottle up things, but at that moment I realized I needed the kind of comfort that Shua gave. It felt like he was talking to me, too, so I let myself cry as well.

What are you worried about? Nothing much right now. A rare occurrence, so I'll let it stay like this – I won't let this question start making me worry about stuff!! Hahaha

What is your mother’s name? Abigail.

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset? BTS videos, my dogs, and ordering sushi.

What would you rather be doing? Preparing for a trip. But it's fine, I can hold it out – I will be traveling for three straight weeks in June anyway.

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other? Someone who validates my feelings, who is open to improvement and doesn't take offense at it, and someone willing to work through the good and bad. That would be nice.

What did you have for breakfast? Eggs, hotdogs, and bread.

EIGHT HAVE YOU’S

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb? Of course. I've done crap from texting an ex to touching an iron while it was plugged to drinking 2-day old coffee and getting food poisoning from doing so.

Have you ever had sex on the beach? Not the deed but I'm pretty sure I've had the cocktail at least once...

Have you ever been backstabbed by a friend? Yes.

Have you ever been out of the country? I have.

Have you ever dated someone younger than you? No.

Have you ever liked someone who already had somebody? Nope.

Have you ever been brokenhearted? I have.

Have you ever read an entire book in one day? I don't think so. My best record probably would've been 2 days.

SEVEN WHO’S:

Who is the last person you saw? My sister.

Who is the last person that you texted? A client. I hate getting messages over the weekend, but our topic was pretty urgent and would count as an exception so I made sure to reply to her.

Who called you last? Leah, annoyingly enough for a reminder that could've been just a quick message.

Who is the last person you hung out with? I guess Dev counts? We spent the whole time working together in the same room when we had our office day last Wednesday. Everyone else from our team had to stay home since they all had Covid symptoms...so we kind of just took that opportunity to bond. Who did you hug last? My relatives.

Who is the last person that texted you? Idk the last message I got was like 2 minutes ago and it was a system generated typhoon alert from the government hahaha. Last person though was Hans.

Who was the last person you said “I love you” to? Angela.

SIX WHERE’S:

Where does your best friend live? Just one of the cities next door. It's a good 20 to 30 minute drive away depending on how the traffic is that day.

Where is your favorite place to be? A quiet coffee shop with not a lot of chatter. That, or an art museum during the early afternoon – it's when I best feel like I have an infinite amount of time to go through each room, and it feels very freeing.

Where did you sleep last night? My bed.

Where did you last hang out? Tbh I haven't been going out a lot because my license recently expired and I've been putting off renewing because busyyyyyyy lol. Holy shit, where was I last just to hang out? BGC, maybe?

Where do/did you go to school? I went to UPD for college but that's all I'm willing to share.

Where did you last adventure to? I went through a portion of BGC I never visit just a couple of weeks ago.

FIVE DO’S/DOES

Do you ever wish you were someone else? Sometimes I wish I just came from old money so that jobs can be more of a hobby for me LOL and so that I will never have to worry about my future...it's really just instances like that, but I never wish I could experience being a specific person.

Do you think anyone despises you? If someone does, I don't want to make it my problem. That said, I really don't know. My ex could, since she seems to hate and avoid everyone she's come across who is associated with me.

Do you like someone right now? Nope.

Does the future scare you? Portions of it do, but I've been a lot better at managing my mindset and just choosing to trudge along regardless of how scared I am.

Do you have any secret powers? Uh, no.

FOUR WHY’S:

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)? Our humors and personalities just match, and we've constantly been by each other's sides whenever we needed one another. Easy as that.

Why did your parents give you the name you have? My dad thought it was very unique and would sound nice for a girl. He was right, and I really like my name now.

Why did you get a myspace? Everyone was on it and I wanted to see what the big deal was.

Why are you doing this survey? I went through my archives and realized this might be fun to take again, since it has the kind of questions where your answers can always change.

THREE IF’S:

If you could have one super power what would it be? Mind reading. Would help me make decisions with more conviction about a lot of things.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you? Nope.

If you could live anywhere, where would it be? Singapore or Kuala Lumpur.

TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love? Sure, if there were actually a situation where the shaving itself would directly contribute to saving their life.

Would you ever get back together with any of your exes if they asked you? No.

LAST ONE:

Are you happy with how your life has turned out? I am.

[anyu-blue]

~

It was worse today, oddly. I got through. Convinced myself that using the 2 hours of protected time I have saved wasn’t worth using to go in later. Better to just work the whole day and get the pay. Normally the next day is better. I don’t feel as bad because I’ve slept and ebbed some of the pain away and it’s helped some part of my brain be okay too... but it wasn’t better. It was so hard to get through and I’m honestly surprised at how hard. My coworkers definitely could tell something was off and kept bugging me with mundane stuff just to talk and have me talk back. It was kind and I am grateful for their care in whatever capacity they can spare it. I used my earbuds and music to get my mind away as much as I could too... and still by the end of the day it wasn’t enough. I was in so much agony I refused to keep pushing to do the last two boxes where normally I would have tried. I took pain meds. I took extra kinds too and extra measures to avoid as much backlash as I could in all areas... still not enough. I’m a little worried that whatever that thing I had for so long that kept me going when I hit rock bottom is gone now. Cuz I’d fall so very, very far... lose all faith and hope.. and then suddenly I was ANGRY and then HAPPY because SPITE appeared out of nowhere and I had a new vigor and lease on life. .. I’m worried that won’t happen again... after my sister took everything out of me when we moved and with this tiredness only appearing to grow and grow... I don’t know that it’ll come to save me.. or if I’ll come to my own rescue like that again or whatever it is. I know leaving would hurt them.. those who claim to love me. I know. But, as ever... that little voice in the back of my head keeps telling me all the ways they took me for granted when I COULD provide their lives with something and they would absolutely be 100% fine without me. 99% of the people in my life don’t reach out first. They don’t reach out at all but are happy to tell me they’re disappointed I don’t reach out more... when I do and then am ignored, given the minimum of small talk, or am (rightfully) told they don’t have the time to be friendly at the moment. Life’s too busy for friends... especially strange ones that can’t seem to succeed in life like they have or are trying to. I have no interest in classes. I have no interest in memberships. I have very little interest in even going out especially because I’m much more comfortable wearing a mask wherever I go. I know a big part of that disinterest is because, well.. my health. Classes and gym memberships are supposed to be great to help with stuff like that... but when I get stressed in the right ways (or overdo it especially on accident from unexpected life stuff) my internals overwork and start attacking themselves, making it difficult to attend classes or make the memberships worth the cost if I can’t go/am glued to the porcelain throne and a diet not meant to help anything but get by- bare minimum for ease on system. It’s easier to not want to do it than deal with the struggles and the shame of not being able to show up... everyone everywhere gets tired of it eventually. I am trying to do what I can at home. I’m not just sitting on my ass... I still practice what Physical therapy I remember/have the sheets for... I got a small pedal bike to replace my big one I can no longer use thanks to the space issues (I’m playing with it under my desk as I type)... I like yoga when I have the energy for it. And walks. And I have invited people to go with me to the park (I don’t feel right being an adult going on my own so every ‘no’ makes me very sad, sadly).. I broke down and bought myself $160 shoes (I’m still freaking out.. TOO MUCH MONEY) to try and help with the pain so maybe I CAN just go and be on my feet on my own more outside of work... I know what foods to avoid and keep on hand to help myself, by myself... *sigh* ... but it’s just not good enough. It’s NEVER going to be good enough for anyone else. I’m told as long as it’s good enough for me that’s what matters... but I am already so alone... and I also know how bad that is. Loneliness can kill. And that not a soul does what I did for them for so long... not one of them sees how unfair it is that I HAVE to be the one to reach out/ask (legit told by my adopted parents that if I desire a relationship with them or my siblings at all *I* must be the one to reach out to them and plan events and work around their lives... I told them then and there that it works both ways. I will do it when I can... but if it is not returned, it will obviously stop. I am more a mirror now that I ever was. I give what I get. I do not have the energy to do it all anymore.... and I’m not given any by others to then give back to them).. and they never will first. It’s my fault... I had the energy at one point. I did it all. Worked multiple jobs so I could. Attended events, planned, got people together, tried and tried and tried and tried so hard for so many years to be heard and understood and to understand and I succeeded in understanding!! .... but I failed in being understood...and then I collapsed in on myself... I failed to have the energy to keep going... everyone tells me that even asking a fraction of what I did out of the kindness of my heart back is asking way too much. Not a soul can reciprocate. Not even remembering my favorite color... or date of birth... not even saving it in their phones. Well... they don’t have that energy for me. I see them doing it for others. People they love and enjoy the company of (and some they don’t but have reasons to want to impress or stay in good graces of)... and that’s where all their energy goes. Nothing left for weird ‘ol me. Because I’m too weird (and for some odd reason many believe horrid things my sister spewed to them that weren’t true then and haven’t been true since I was a literal child that didn’t know well enough. Or when she purposefully aggravated me into a state of distress so severe I was distraught... (and did they believe me when I told them she did it on purpose? That she liked doing it? Absolutely not. They still think I’m the one trying to manipulate the story/her when I made her tell them what she told me she was doing.) They can’t move past it... and nothing I’ve tried or done over the years has changed any of that because they likely think I have some sinister motive or a bomb waiting just under the surface of my skin. They literally won’t look at me. ... Honestly... this is actually reminding me of why I shouldn’t trust my sister at all. I’ve been the best I can be to her even after all the shit she’s done to me... but I don’t think I should relax and trust her. .. what an awful thing to say. And yet what kind of person does that? ... Someone who does and has fully admitted to hating every single part of me...) ... This too is a great example of why people can’t stand me. I can’t be short and sweet. Take up too much space and time- especially with words... especially with words they think has one meaning, but I know and use with another (dictionary definition- my special interest in words/what they mean)... why would people want to spare their energy if they think I’ll take up more than they want to give? And it seems, to me, that I only have anything interesting to say when life, well, sucks... because my hobbies are boring or confusing to them. My interests too niche. And who has time for things they can’t bond with people over? ... usually for them it’s TV shows, Video Games, Books, or Movies I can’t touch.... because they’re too violent and unpleasant for me. I try... and hate it and just get scoffed at for not liking it- never mind I’m happy they like it and I’m happy to listen... but, again... who has the energy to then turn around and listen to someone talk about something they have no idea of or any interest in? ... Life, for me... is filled with a lot of unfair imbalances. I do something for them... but never, EVER should I EVER ask them to do the same for me... (oh but I have to ask them to do it anyway or I’m the bad guy for not trying to engage them at all. I need to give them the chance to say ‘no’.. oh but also I can’t KEEP asking them to listen or reciprocate behaviors more than once per situation or topic because that’s just being an irritating pest) I’m preeetty convinced at this point every single one of them thinks one of the others will say ‘yes’ to me... or give back what I’ve given in some way, even if small, and that their contribution is not actually needed because someone else has got it... not realizing.. ALL of them are doing the same things... unknowingly... “someone else has the time/patience/desire to sit with Meek. Otherwise they wouldn’t be doing so well!! Someone else surely must have someone to listen to them and be kind!! Cuz I sure don’t/can’t!! And that’s okay!!”  (My sister SAYS she does it for me.. and she claims to do it WAY TOO MUCH... but in reality.. it’s once in maaaaybe 6 months at this point... and she lies and lies and lies. Blows it up to make me seem ungrateful. It’s awful to see her messages to people.) No... no I don’t... no one... but me... and it’s weighing on me so hard... because they ALL... all of them... has more than one other someone doing things for them.. remembering them... being kind... returning their favors. Friends AND family... not even one or the other.  Beautiful birthday and lesser holiday gifts and arrangements... Well wishes. Check-ins... invites... many from yours truly.. that I only include my sisters in because they feel bad for forgetting and/or don’t want to look bad... all the Holiday and Christmas gifts of last year... hundreds and hundreds of dollars (I went all out for Easter and I fought HARD for Halloween when they all PROMISED they’d plan it.. and didn’t), sure, but also thoughtful, personalized cards.. thinking of every single forgotten person I could... ALL OF THEM. Were from ME. Me ALONE. This year.... so far All the birthday gifts... Easter... everything.... save for Mother’s day for one person. ONE of the MANY who were kind to my sister!! She thought of (and spoiled) ONE. I fought to match the same for her husband for fathers day... I’m... I’m so tired. Not everyone like gifts, and I know that. Everyone has a different love language... I’ve learned SO MANY. .... not one wants to learn mine. Passes it off to the ‘next person (who also isn’t there)’... and I’ve gotten nothing back once I stopped providing all I could.. once, in their eyes, I suppose I stopped ‘earning’ my place in their lives. I have one friend who tries her best... I do. She does. But she also has an extremely hard life too. That she makes an effort is not lost on me. Not at all. I owe her my life in so many ways. I do everything every chance I get for her. She knows of my plight and my pain because I have asked, many, many times if feeling weird about a response or situation with context from both sides is wrong of me. She has never failed to be honest and, like.. SUUUUPER blunt with me. I’ve been in the wrong a few times... but for the most part... I have not been wrong for feeling so god damn IGNORED and taken for granted and... lonely. One person does not loneliness or abandonment cure, as kind as they may be when they can be. Especially if compared to literally every other person these people make these damn efforts for EXCEPT me.. aaaaand the people they’re happy to tell me all about how much they hate so they won’t do stuff for even if that person is ‘playing nice’.... I don’t think people realize how much they actually just.. don’t care for me or my presence.. if they don’t outright hate me. I haven’t always been pleasant.. I know I’m not being pleasant NOW. .. and that this is what is here for everyone to see... But I tried. So hard. For so long. To appear to be doing well. I tried to redirect my thoughts and entire being to being content and happy and fulfilled and I tried to share that with everyone. Not even in hopes of them sharing my joy, but in hopes of not dragging them down. and still... for all that effort... call me ungrateful. Go right ahead. Call me expectant. Call me selfish... Not one whom I devoted all that they asked of me to... gave anything back. I’ve said before I’ve devoted my time to the wrong people... obviously I have. They’re who is here. They’ve asked me to.. told me to sometimes as well. And still... to whom CAN I devote it all to and be treated like a worthy being in return?  My father has asked it of him... and yet I know that isn’t going to go a good direction either because I can’t stand his religion or his idea that well... I’m not trying hard enough. He fully believes I am capable of holding down a full time job, doing my hobbies, going to outings, being as ever helpful as I am, and making it entirely on my own just as he did..... when no matter how I try to tell him and show him I am not capable of that.. That I am currently at my absolute limit and pushing it every day... he will not listen. I am autistic... with autoimmune conditions... severe trauma and depression... in a climate that is demanding way too much of people. *snorts* actually... I think that’s many peoples’ problem with me right there. All these invisible issues... They see a perfectly healthy person standing before them and can’t fathom why I say I’m struggling when I also only ‘have’ to work 3 days a week... they don’t see the pain.. and I can’t actually show them the damage... and if I show any symptoms at all.. well I must be doing it for attention because I was ‘just fine before’. ... instead of realizing just how good I got at hiding it... or even just how used to the complaining and their own simple irritation at it if I ‘wasn’t going to do jack-shit about it’... when I was.. and they did nothing to help. (I also wonder how many are hiding behind their ignorance to avoid guilt. cuz I SUFFERED.. and was literally beaten for being in pain... while my siblings were brought to doctors and specialists and given everything to make sure they were okay).. I got the diagnosis on my own... multiple times over... I’ve had the x-rays and ultrasounds and antibiotics and medications and at one point I shared every. single. one. of. them. Publicly. To PROVE I’m not... not... unworthy. Faking... vying for something I don’t deserve. And.. it changes nothing... to them.. all of them.. I’m unworthy. ..eheh... I can’t tell you how many of them would spew vile and venom at me for using that word... planting that definition on their actions. But it is literally what they show me every. single. time.

[sorceress-coffee]

RoA Ch 38 Hiss Hiss, Bang Bang

Ao3 Chapter

The morning after we brought Jim home was interesting to say the least. Draal and I were alerted to Jim’s presence when his alarm went off and he yelled “I love you, my stupid alarm!”

“I don’t think he’s ever been this excited to get up in the morning,” I shook my head, curling up against Draal in the nest.

Grumbling, Draal grabbed one of the spare pillows and stuffed it over his face once Jim hopped in the shower. “I’m glad he’s home, but this behavior is odd.”

Sighing, I decided to get up for school before Jim could break into the basement, “You hanging out with Arrrgh and Blinky today?” I asked, knowing all three Trolls wouldn’t return to Trollmarket until later, that way we were all together.

Draal gave me a thumbs up, still trying to hide under the pillow. “Yes, Blinkous wants me to explain your ‘Maces and Talons’ game to them.”

I snickered, pulling on black leggings and a red oversized long sleeve. “Don’t forget Dungeons and Dragons, you’ll get a kick out of that one.”

Finally sitting up, Draal gave me a toothy grin, “There’s a game where we can slay Dragons?”

I shrugged, grabbing one of my old rule books off the bookshelf we brought down. “Amongst other things.” I handed it over, kissing his cheek. “Tell Blinky I said he had to behave. Uncle James offered to get you guys anything topside you might need.”

Draal hummed, nuzzling his nose under my jaw, “Keep the Trollhunter contained,” he chuckled, hearing Jim’s feet land on the main floor loudly.

“Sounds like he’s bouncing off the walls,” Shaking my head, I grabbed my bag and teleported to the second floor, walking down to find Jim hugging mom in the kitchen. “Morning.”

“River!” Jim ran to me, almost knocking me over with how hard he tackled me.

“Careful honey, he’s very chipper this morning,” mom smiled, trying to hide her concern at his behavior.

“Just feels good to be back!” He grinned, grabbing his bag and running out.

Mom looked at me, confused, “Back? Back from where?”

“The looney bin?” I shrugged, “My guess, he’s breaking out of his finals week fog.” I waved bye, following Jim out quickly before she could ask anymore questions.

He had our bikes ready as Claire pulled up and Toby was waiting for us. Apparently after being stuck in the Darklands, he wanted to spend as much time in the sun as possible.

I hopped on my bike, Jim took the front, Toby and Claire in the middle, and I lagged behind, watching over the teens. After all this time, I was glad Jim was home, even if I was still mad at how he left.

“Have you talked to him about it?” Toby directed to Claire.

Claire shook her head, keeping an eye on Jim in front, “No, it has to come from you. Why haven’t you talked to him yet?”

“He just got out of the Darklands,” He pointed out. Whatever they were talking about, Toby was obviously stalling. “He needs time to recover.”

“Whoo!” Jim yelled out in front of us, he had popped his front tire off of the ground and was riding with his hands out to the side. “Check this out-” A yelp broke him off as he lost balance, needing to grab the handlebars before he fell over.

“Seems fine to me,” Claire huffed, smiling at his antics.

Jim drifted to a halt, grinning at us, “Come on, slowpokes, let’s take the old shortcut!”

We all came to a stop, Claire and Toby exchanging a look.

“Well, uh, since you’ve been gone, Claire found a faster way.” Toby grinned, teasing Jim.

Jim scoffed, “Come on. Faster than the canals?”

Claire looked back to me, I shrugged, “It’s fine with me.”

Nodding, she pulled out the shadow staff and opened a portal at the entrance of the woods. “One short cut, here we come!”

Jim grinned, pedaling straight into the portal with a cheer. Toby and Claire followed after, and I held up the rear. We shot out behind a moving truck and pedaled back onto the streets.

“You’re right,” Jim laughed, pausing to look back at Claire, “You have gotten good at that.” The bell rang for class, “Good ol’ Arcadia Oaks High!” He cheered, heading to park his bike. “I wonder what we’ll learn today.”

“He’s clearly not fine, who in their right mind looks forward to school?” Toby shook his head, “Did you give him a concussion?” He asked, looking back at me as we followed.

“Just because I’m still pissed at him, doesn’t mean I hit him, Toby.” I huffed, parking my bike as Eemeli drove up in his car.

“Do I want to know?” He asked, getting out of the driver’s seat, having seen Jim’s overly cheerful attitude from down the street.

“Nope,” I shook my head, grabbing Jim’s shoulder before he could get far. “Trust me, you’re gonna want to stay close.”

Jim rolled his eyes but waited until Claire and Toby parked their bikes. As soon as we entered the quad, the students began cheering.

“What the…?” Jim glanced back at me, confused on why everyone was acting weird.

“Jim!” Eli rushed him, hugging him tight, “You’re back! You’re alive!”

“Back?” Jim began to panic, looking to Claire and Toby, “They know?”

“They know you’re the first person to be officially cured from the incurable Jim Lake Disease.” Toby explained quickly.

“Oh,” Jim nodded, realizing that was the cover up.

I shrugged, pulling Eli off of him, “This one knows, sort of. I’ll explain later”

Eli got the crowd to disperse, while Toby made sure they knew Jim could still be contagious.

“Eemeli got you a medical note, said there were complications after the car accident, T.P. has been doing damage control with help from Eli,” Claire explained now that the other teens were steering clear for the moment.

“T.P.?” Jim asked.

“Oh,” Claire laughed, “Duh! Toby Pie. Guess you missed that one, too.”

Toby pouted at the nickname, still hating it, “You missed a lot, dude! I had to pretend to be you. I had to eat your mom’s spaghetti carbonara.” He gagged, thinking back to that particular dinner. “You owe me!” Pulling out a stack of papers, he handed them over to Jim, “you also missed a few weeks of homework. Don’t hate us.”

“Hate you?” Jim laughed, “Are you kidding? I love homework!”

“Maybe I punched him in my sleep…” I grumbled, Eemeli laughing at us as Jim picked apart what homework he had to do now, groaning at Algebra.

“Look who’s back!” Steve shoved into Jim, knocking him onto the concrete, before pulling him up by his shoulders. “Did I hear you say you love homework? There’s something fishy going on in this lake.”

Jim looked shocked for a moment before his face split into a grin, hugging Steve, “I even missed you! The ol’ Palchuck” He laughed, hitting Steve in the face lightly.

“What?” Steve was in shock, you could actually see his brain short circuiting at the moment. “Get your germs off of me!”

Toby turned around at the sound of Darci’s voice, “Uh, I’ll let you two catch up.”

From the looks of it, Darci is allergic to flowers, and Toby is getting nowhere quickly. “That’s unfortunate.”

“Things are all back to the way they were!” Jim grinned, looking around the quad, “It’s like I never left!”

“Yup,” Toby huffed from his spot, face planting into his locker, “back to square one. How great for us.”

“Careful, my square one involved blowing up walls,” I grinned, heading off to my morning classes.

The day seemed to drag by as I was mentally preparing for our return to Trollmarket. Apparently Jim wanted to waste no time handing himself over to the likes of the Tribunal. I really have to work on my impulse control if I’d be spending even a second in her Highness-lady’s presence.

Once we got into our blended class, now dubbed movie time, we all took up seats in the back corner. Eli sat closer to the front so I could talk with Jim.

I nudged his foot as he was focusing on ‘Gun Robot 3’. “We need to talk.”

“But it’s Gun Robot,” Jim grinned, sobering up quickly when he saw how serious I was. “Is this when you’re going to hit me for going into the Darklands?”

“Haven’t decided yet.” I huffed, nodding to Eli, “He knows about my mom’s side. We haven’t exactly been subtle about our ‘adventures.’”

“What?!” He squawked, “You told him? You promised!” He tried to whisper.

Growling, the sclera of my uninjured eye glowed, “I promised I wouldn’t tell aunt Barbara, and that was it. Eli’s not as oblivious as people think. He figured out a lot on his own. I told him I couldn’t tell him everything, but if he guessed, I would only share what I could.”

“Why would you tell him at all?” Jim asked, shocked that anyone outside of our group now knew.

“Because he’s stubborn enough to go looking for answers, and unfortunately that could lead to his untimely death, say, by the hands of the Janus Order?” I snarled out, knowing Eli would go looking if he couldn’t ask me.

Jim winced, glancing up at Eli, “He only knows about the magic?”

“Nothing about Trolls, or Trollhunting,” I huffed, “Might change though, considering Draal’s taken a shine to him.

Jim groaned, hitting his head on his desk, “How did that happen?”

“Shadow magic infection, possibly from Angor Rot’s final attack,” I gestured to my eye, “antidote involved binding someone’s life magic to my own. Draal volunteered, the side effect for a full blooded troll was that he turned into a fleshbag again.” I pulled my hood over my head, feeling my scalar still burning.

Before Jim could speak on it any further, the bell rang. “Right, okay, ready to head to Trollmarket?”

“Even if I say no, we’re still going.” I stood up, grabbing my bag and heading out.

Jim sighed, staying further back with Claire and Toby as we headed for the bikes. “Think she’s ever going to forgive me?” He whispered, unfortunately being half changeling meant I could still hear him very well.

Claire sighed, “Give her time, she’s had to take on a lot of responsibilities since you’ve left, and not just your Trollhunting duties.”

“Yeah, dude.” Toby jumped in, “The troll heavy weights made her the leader of our changeling friends, now she has to deal with troll politics, that can’t be fun.”

I glanced back at them before grabbing my bike. “Are we going?”

Jim jolted, him and the other two quickly grabbing their bikes.

“Eemeli, you driving?” I asked, looking at the changeling.

He nodded, heading to his car, “See you in the library, my lady,” he said in his snarkiest tone while giving me a salute. He still found me being a tribe leader hilarious.

Shaking my head, I got on my bike and headed directly for an alleyway. Once out of sight, I teleported to the stairs of trollmarket, waiting for Claire to portal the boys over or ride their bikes.

I was glad Jim was home, don’t get me wrong. But he has to realize him leaving caused a lot of damage too. Looks like I have another mess to fix.

A shadow portal opened up behind me, all three teens riding through. We parked our bikes near the canal exit, wasting no time heading down into the market.

Eri slithered up, climbing her way up to my shoulders. “No movement from her highness-lady, the other’s made it to the library,” she hissed, resting her head under my left ear, keeping an eye on my blind spot.

Smiling, I pulled a cookie from my bag, giving her small chunks so she could eat while we walked. “Thanks, hopefully we won’t have to deal with the Tribunal yet.”

Jim took in a deep breath, hurrying up to walk next to me as he took in Trollmarket. “Home is the same, school is the same, Trollmarket is the same,” he trailed off as a Krubera soldier sneered at him. “Except for that guy. What’s that guy doing here?”

Shifting into my troll form, I let out a deep growl, glaring at the soldier. Getting the message, he quickly took off. “Don’t get too comfortable.” I glanced at Jim.

“Stinking, horrible, traitor!” Blinky’s voice drifted from the library, gaining our attention.

We took off into the library quickly, watching as Blinky was throwing his books into a bonfire.

“What is going on?” I asked, seeing Draal holding a stack for Blinky to grab from and toss into the flames, Arrrgh poking the flames every so often.

Scoffing, Blinky read over a title, “Another one, away with you!”

“You love your books!” Toby cried out, all three teens in shock at what we were seeing. “This isn’t like you!”

“Not my books!” Blinky snarled, “I’m destroying any that bear my traitorous brother’s name. Full of lies!”

“Did I miss something?” I asked, last I had heard, Blinky’s brother was dead.

Draal sighed, setting the stack down, “Blinkous ran into his brother in the Darklands. He’s working for Gunmar.”

“My Gumm-Gumm brother cannot be trusted and neither can these!” Blinky threw another pile into the fire.

Jim ran to the fire, trying to pull the books out, “Blink! They’ve been useful before, so they can be useful again.”

Arrrgh busied himself with sniffing over Toby’s sweater vest.

Toby lifted his arms for the troll, confused. “Aren’t you going to stop him, wingman?” Starting to giggle as Arrrgh’s sniffing was tickling him, “Uh, what’s with Arrrgh?”

“Leave him,” Blinky waved them off. “Ever since he’s returned from death, his sense of smell has been curiously heightened.” He threw the book Jim tried to save back into the fire. “He’s been sniffing everything for hours.”

Arrrgh hummed, grinning at Toby, “You had Italian. Carbonara.”

“Yeah,” Toby laughed, “like, three days ago.”

“Needed more garlic,” Arrrgh concluded.

Jim began running back and forth with buckets of water, trying to douse the book fire.

“Talk to Jim yet?” Arrrgh asked,concerned for Jim that the Tribunal was still present.

Claire sighed, “Toby says he hasn’t found the right time.”

“It’s not just me right?” Toby asked, watching Jim. “Ever since he got back, he’s been acting super weird.”

“Hey guys,” Jim paused, the books mostly not on fire now. “You know what we need? A calling!” He grinned, excited to get back to Trollhunting. “I’m sure there’s been tons of stuff piling up for us to take care of now that I’m back. A cursed box?” He asked as Blinky relit the book fire behind him. “Or a loose monster troll?”

“Actually, Calire, River and I kinda took care of that stuff while you were gone,” Toby explained, “Well when River wasn’t the cursed loose monster troll.”

“That was one time,” I huffed, summoning water over the book fire and dousing the flames again.

“Oh,” Jim nodded, slowly, “Okay. What about some training? It’d be good for us to get back in the Forge, you know?”

Arrrgh sniffed the air, grabbing my shoulder quickly. “I smell Usurna.”

Groaning, I rubbed over the scars on the left side of my face, irritated that she was already here. “Great.”

“Oh dear,” Blinky gasped, pausing in his effort to relight the fire once more.

Two armed Krubera soldiers walked into the library glaring at our group, Usurna walking in after them.

Vendel’s new staff got hooked on the entrance as he tried to enter the library, quickly dislodging it. I really hope he never finds out we took his old staff.

“So,” Usurna eyed Jim as she approached, “It’s true. The halfling Trollhunter has returned from his frolic in the Darklands.”

Blinky bowed his head to Usurna, speaking on Jim’s behalf, “The Trollhunter humbly apologizes, and throws himself at the mercy of the Tribunal.”

“Tribunal?” Jim asked, only to get elbowed by Blinky.

“The Tribunal has already voted on your fate,” She sneered.

“And by the barest of margins, has ruled to drop all charges,” Vendel spoke quickly, keeping an eye on my reaction. “So long as you cooperate from this moment forth.”

The teens sighed, as Usurna turned on them, “Your rash choice to save one child put all of Trollmarket at risk, regardless of what Merlin’s heir may say. If any evil had been unleashed unto this world, the blood would have been on your hands.” She pointed to Jim, before turning to leave. “Are you sure nothing followed you on your return?” She asked.

I tilted my head, the question sounded off coming from her.

“Draal never left his post, guarding the bridge!” Blinky quickly lied.

We all nodded, agreeing with him as her highness-lady looked over us, eyes locking on mine. “Very well, then.” She turned, leaving with her guards.

Blinky sighed, worried about Usurna’s presence. “Are the Krubera really staying permanently?”

Vendel glowered, turning to look Blinky in the eye, “Usurna feels their presence is required in light of my questionable judgment.” His staff got caught on the hanging crystal light. Grumbling, he tried pulling it down. “Speaking of such, have you made any progress in tracking down the culprit who stole my staff?”

“We will not rest until we bring them to justice,” Blinky declared.

“Yes, of course,” Vendel shook his head, finally freeing his staff from the light. “I’m sure whoever took it had good reason and will return it as soon as possible.” He huffed, eyeing Toby.

Looks like Vendel knew exactly who was masquerading as him.

“I’ve put my neck out far enough for you ungrateful fools.” Glaring over each of us, “Any further and she’ll be sure to lop it off.”

“Thank you, Vendel,” Jim winced, seeing only a small portion of the chaos his decision caused. “It’s good to see you, too.” He smiled up at the troll, actually glad to see him, even though he’s being scolded.

“Yes, well, if you want to thank me, go look into the goblin mess that one of our trolls discovered on a salvage run.” He sighed, trying to help Jim cover any loose ends from his trip to the Darklands.

“Goblin mess?” Toby asked, having hoped we were done with the slimy green creatures.

“There appears to be some droppings in a dumpster behind the Arcadia Cinema.” Vendel explained.

“We haven’t seen any of those in months.” Claire added, confused on why they were active again.

I shook my head, “There hasn’t been an active Goblin attack since Bular died.” The only other Goblins we’ve seen were those working for the Janus Order, but all they did was play with the car lock during our negotiation with Otto.

“Oh, my gosh!” And there’s Jim’s weird behavior again. “Is this a call? Like, a good ol’ trollhunting mission?” He asked, bouncing with excitement.

Vendel accidentally hooked his new staff on his horn, finally giving up, “Just go.” He ordered, not wanting to deal with Jim’s behavior on top of his stress of dealing with Usurna.

“We will, Vendel,” I sighed, unhooking his staff for him. Leading him away from the group to ask about the Tribunal’s vote. “How much was a small margin?”

Sighing, he glanced back at the others, now discussing how we should set up our stakeout. “It was tied actually, however, since we couldn’t find you, most of the trolls agreed that I could cast your vote.”

Wincing, I knew Usurna had it out for Jim, but I still couldn’t place why. “There’s more going on,” I huffed, scratching over Eri’s little fins. “The trollhunters sensed danger in our last meeting about Jim, and I plan on finding out why.”

Nodding, Vendel eyed Eri for a moment, “Why don’t I keep an eye on your wizard associate, from what I’ve heard, goblins like to eat snakes.”

Glancing up at Vendel, I could see that knowing glint in his eyes. He knew Usurna was hiding something, and was offering a direct spy to their meetings. “Eri, are you alright staying with Master Vendel?”

She slithered down my arm, extending herself over to Vendel’s staff, and resting around the hook. “Can I have more cookies since I’m going to be stuck in boring meetings all night?”

I chuckled, bobbing her nose, “I’ll bring more sugar cookies later, and do exactly as Master Vendel instructs. Also, don’t bite her highness-lady. Not yet.”

Vendel shook his head, taking his leave before I could give Eri any more instructions that could be seen as thinly veiled threats.

When I turned to join the group, I noticed Jim had broken off from the discussion, watching Vendel leave as he stopped next to me. “It’s almost sunset, think we could talk before heading out?”

Nodding I headed further into the library, unsure if Jim was wanting privacy or not. We sat at one of the tables holding a mound of ‘approved to keep’ books Blinky had gone through.

“What did you want to talk about?” I asked, wanting to get straight to the point.

Jim scratched the back of his neck, a nervous tick he seems to share with Uncle James. “Well, I was wondering if you could fill me in on what I missed. Toby and Claire have been pretty vague today.”

Eyeing him, I watched to see if any traces of his overexcited behavior was about to spring up. It looked like Jim wanted a serious conversation. “How about the quick version, then you can ask questions.” Humming in thought, I was trying to organize these past few weeks of chaos. “You left, found out I could summon the void with the amulet, threw the amulet at Kanjigar.” Pausing, I tried to focus on the time I was ‘infected’ with shadow magic. “There was an issue with the ‘fact’ that I shouldn’t be able to use shadow magic, something like an infection, not actually sure about that. Uncle James came early to help, dad had to leave.” Jim winced at that, knowing I was finally getting along with my dad, “He promised to stay in touch this time. Draal turned human for about a week and a half.” Tilting my head, I looked over my fingers, trying to count, and I was already up to seven events. “The tribunal was summoned, Vendel announced I was a tribe leader, the leaders found out you’re half changeling. Almost killed her highness-lady. We got Enrique through the portal, Eclipse magic manifested.” I growled, the final days of Jim being locked in the Darklands, “Found a cure for Arrrgh, the Janus Order had it, Mr. Evil Man broke into our house and school, stole my paint.” I hissed, still finding random objects with that damn sun painted on them. “Broke into the Janus Order headquarters, scared the crap out of their leader. Stole Vendel’s staff, and traded it for the cure to save Arrrgh. Kanjigar possessed him, we were chased down by Trollmarket’s guards, and were technically fugitives from Trollmarket. You know the rest.”

During the last portion of my recount, Jim’s jaw kept dropping lower and lower. I reached over and pushed his jaw back up.

“That was the quick version?” He yelped, snapping out of his stupor.

Shrugging, I stared at him blankly, “Yup. Questions?”

Jim’s eyes shot back and forth, trying to decide where to start. “Usurna called me a halfling because they know I’m half changeling?”

“Yup, the Tribunal voted to ‘destroy’ the bridge. They tried to dump it in the ocean.” I nodded, “When she and her guards stopped us from saving you the first time, Uncle James snapped at her, I almost killed her.” I sneered, sparks of orange and red magic responding to the rage I still felt from that moment.

“What stopped you?” He asked, eyeing the magic flaring in the lines of my stone skin.

Huffing, I glanced back to where the rest of our family was planning a stakeout. “A mix of Draal and Uncle James, honestly. The magic that manifested felt like your armor when we connected in the Darklands, when her soldiers tried pulling me back, their flesh seemed to rot with contact.” I traced a line of the Eclipse magic running through my flesh. “It didn’t hurt Draal or your dad though. And it sounds like Vendel’s been using it as a way to keep Usurna in check.”

“Wait,” Jim shook his head, surprised, “Vendel’s been threatening her?”

I waved my hand in a so-so manner, “Not exactly, from what Eri’s overheard, he’s been reminding her what could happen if she tries overstepping, in my life at least.”

His eyes looked like they might pop from their sockets, “Breaking into the Janus Order?”

“Changelings that serve Gunmar as a means to an end, that end being Morgana,” I held my hand up before he could interrupt me, “They confirmed it, only taking orders directly from her. The only reason they want Gunmar free is to release her, apparently Uncle Merlin has something to do with the crazy version of her being locked away.”

“Crazy version?” Jim really looked like he was about to lose it. He missed a lot more than his usual Trollhunter duties.

I pulled on my hoodie string, thinking of the dreams I had in the shadow realm. “Well, the one I talked to was from a time well before the Battle of Killahead. She said something about primordial magic that corrupted her. All I know is they’re both connected to the shadow realm and the crazy one can talk to the Changelings.”

“You talked to her?! You were in the shadow realm?” Jim yelped, shocked knowing how I reacted to what my father knew of my mother’s ‘death.’

“Trust me, that’s complicated and I still don’t understand how or why it happened. Good news though, I should be getting my memories back. Bad news, no idea when.” I shrugged, watching as Jim was trying to wrap his head around everything.

“So,” He fumbled, gesturing to all of me, “you’re using impossible magic connected to the armor. You, somehow, spoke to a dead witch, who’s not actually dead. Vendel made you leader of the Changelings, well, our Changelings. You’ve been dealing with troll politics, and Usurna isn’t leaving anytime soon. Became a fugitive from Trollmarket. And that was all in the few weeks I’ve been in the Darklands?” Well, at least he seems to be listening now.

I tilted my head back, thinking over his summary. “Yeah, that’s basically everything you missed.”

Jim flopped his head onto the table, letting out a groan. “I really messed up, didn’t I?”

Pausing, I looked him over, surprised he was even admitting it at this point. “You made your choice, now we’re dealing with it.”

“You’re still pissed,” He winced.

Snarling, I pulled him to sit up by his shoulder, “You’re damn right I’m pissed!”

Our friends’ voices cut out at the sound of my anger, Draal the first one to peek around the bookshelves to see if we were okay.

“You get some ill timed advice from Kanjigar, and trust me, I’ve already torn into him for that, and decide to jump ship, ALONE, into the Darklands, after promising everyone would be going with you!” I snarled, both of us standing as I tore into him, easily towering over him in my troll form. “So, yeah, I’m pissed off! You broke your word, left us to care for your duties. You left the Amulet with ME! Told me to keep it safe until you came back or it called another, hate to break it to you Jim, but you’re it!” I snapped, seeing Draal physically flinch in my peripheral.

“What do you mean ‘he’s it?’” Uncle James asked, having arrived with Eemeli while I was mid rant.

Pulling back, I glared at the amulet resting on the table. “Kanjigar said that the amulet wouldn’t call another. The trollhunter’s knew the last would come from the human world. Jim is Merlin’s final champion.”

“What?!” Toby yelped, rushing over to us, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“It wasn’t safe,” I growled, clenching my fists so tight that my claws were digging into the stone flesh of my palms. “Trollmarket isn’t safe.”

“Usurna?” Jim asked, having seen how on edge I was any time the Krubera or their Queen was near.

Nodding, I summoned the amulet to my hand. “Even your predecessor can sense it, she’s hiding something.”

Draal clasped my shoulder, “We’ll find answers, one way or another.”

I held out the amulet to Jim, “There’s a lot more going on than just us rescuing you from the Darklands. Merlin mentioned this wouldn’t be our last ‘trial,’ so to speak, which is why we can’t get comfortable.”

“You think something worse than the Darklands is coming?” Jim asked, slowly taking the amulet.

Shrugging I dropped my hand, shifting back into my human form, Draal’s hand still holding my shoulder. My mind raced to the fae-like creature I met in the shadow realm, “I hope not.”

Jim nodded, “Come on, it’s dark enough to head out, and I’d appreciate it if you’d come with us.” He offered, trying to make amends in his own way, still needing to process everything.

“We’re gonna stay back,” Eemeli gestured to Uncle James and Draal. “If Usurna tries anything, we’ll get in contact. Also, why is there a pile of charred books?”

Blinky groaned, waving it off, still refusing to look at the books. “Just leave it be, maybe I’ll finish burning them.”

Those who entered when Blinky was going mad let out a collective chuckle. An unhinged Blinky wasn’t one to be messed with.

Claire opened a shadow portal for the alleyways near Arcadia Cinema and we jumped in, hoping there wasn’t actually a goblin problem. Could always be a bear.

We snuck through the alley way, Jim and Blinky towards the front, Claire, Toby and I in the middle, and Arrrgh taking the rear.

Jim waved for us to stop as he peered around a corner, watching the back exit of the cinema. “Alright, coast is cleared,” he whispered. “Nothing like a simple mission to get our mojo back, huh?” He asked, trying to be upbeat again after the incident in the library.

As we walked around him to head for the dumpsters, Claire paused at his choice of words, “Did you just say ‘mojo’?”

Arrrgh took to the front of our group, sniffing over the area, ending up behind the dumpster. “Huh, smell poop.”

“Well,” I huffed, “the troll was right about one thing. Anyone else hoping for a bear?”

He opened the dumpster, pulling out what looked like large rabbit droppings and ate it. Toby and Claire gagged at the sight, my nose wrinkling at the thought that trolls eat the weirdest things.

Arrrgh continued to pull out random items, licking a few and sniffing others.

“Arrrgh, what is it?” Blink asked as Arrrgh pulled out a collar with a bell.

Humming, Arrrgh grinned at the taste of the collar. “Cat!” Sniffing it again, he growled, “No. Blood goblin.”

Blinky let out a horrified gasp, “It cannot be.”

“Blood goblins?” Toby asked, peering into the dumpster. “Are those the green ones or the blue ones?”

Shaking his head, Blinky winced, “Contrary to their name, blood goblins are white.”

“But they can’t be here!” Claire interrupted, panicking. “The only place you can find white goblins is…”

“The Darklands,” Jim took a deep breath, sitting on a crate.

“No way, we destroyed the bridge!” Toby pointed out.

“Can’t goblins go through the fetch?” I asked quickly, hoping I hadn’t been right about danger coming soon.

Blinky sighed, “Blood goblins are too big to pass through the fetch, and if one was small enough, due to the inability to control them, I don’t believe the Janus Order would let them roam around.”

“Well,” Claire frowned, going to Jim. “Draal left his post to save us. You don’t think in that time…”

“If they got out, what if Gunmar got-” Jim tried asking before Blinky cut him off.

“No. No, no. We would know if he got out.” Blinky stated quickly, “Death would be on every doorstep, Arcadia turned to ash. We would know. These are just a few goblins. A few ferocious, insatiable, bloodthirsty goblins.”

Arrrgh burped as he was still eating junk from the dumpster.

“It’s possible they were close to the bridge, Draal and I weren’t in the Darklands very long.” I reasoned, placing my hand on Jim’s shoulder.

“Jim,” Toby winced, “There’s been something we’ve been meaning to ask you.”

“Toby,” Claire cut him off, “If these little poopers are in Arcadia, how do we find them?”

“We don’t find them,” Jim nodded to me, standing from the box as I let my hand slip from his shoulder, “they find us. Once they're on your scent, you can’t shake ‘em. They’re going to be after me.”

“But you weren’t the only one in there.” Toby pointed out. “Nomura was with you.”

“Nomura skipped town as soon as she rested. She’s long gone.” Claire spoke up, knowing she left on the intact gyre this morning.

“Well, then why aren’t they here?” Toby huffed.

Jim’s eyes widened, “Because someone else was in there too.” Panic was setting in, “They’re going after Chompsky!”

“He’s at Toby’s, is Nana home?” I asked quickly, watching panic set in amongst the teens. “Toby,” I grabbed him by the shoulders, “Is she at home?”

“Yes!” Toby yelped.

“Claire, portal.” I instructed.

Nodding, Claire pulled out her shadow staff, “I’m aiming for the backyard.”

We all ran in, Blinky and Arrrgh heading for the side of the house while we snuck into the back door with Toby.

As soon as we entered, we found Nana doing the dishes, no goblins in sight so far.

Toby hushed us as he slowly approached Nana. “Nana!” He greeted, startling her from the dishes.

“Oh, Toby Pie!” She greeted, seeing all of us. “I thought you kids were upstairs playing. There was an awful lot of noise.”

“The goblins are here?” Toby gasped, “Uh, I mean… I must have left my music on.” He tried to cover.

“Goblins are here?” Nana asked, eyeing Toby. “Oh, that’s a horrible band name. I don’t understand what you kids listen to these days.”

As soon as Nana’s back was to us, I grabbed everyone and teleported up to Toby’s room.

“Chompsky?” Jim asked, seeing the dollhouse torn open.

“No!” Toby yelped, diving into the dollhouse to look for the gnome. “Not Chompsky!”

Jim carefully picked up a little red hat.

“Poor gnome,” Arrrgh whimpered as he and Blinky joined us.

“It was supposed to be a simple mission.” Jim winced, handing over the hat to Toby.

“There’s no such thing as a simple mission.” Claire sighed.

Jim sighed, taking a seat in front of the tv playing ‘Go-Go Sushi’.

“The little guy survives the Darklands, then goes out like this?” Toby asked, face dropping as he looked at Claire then me. “Nothing’s been right since…” He scowled at the little hat. “Why did you go into the Darklands without us?!” Toby yelled, causing the rest of us to jump.

I knew the others were mad, but seeing Toby like this? It really showed that they all felt the same betrayal I had when Jim left.

“Wait, what?” Jim asked, surprised this was being brought up again.

Toby went off, “We found the amulet together, we trained together, we found your dads together, we killed Angor Rot together! And then you just left us.”

“Wait, is this how you all feel?” Jim asked, looking to the others since I had made my anger known, no one else speaking up till now.

“You promised we’d get my brother,” Claire pointed out, “together.”

Blinky sighed, “After everything we’d been through, you said it was ‘Trollhunters,’ not ‘Trollhunter.’”

“Even Kanjigar recognized that,” I sighed, clasping Toby’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Arrrgh agreed with Blinky and I.

“Gunmar wanted revenge for killing his son. The amulet chose me to protect you.” Jim tried to justify.

“We protect each other!” Claire snapped.

Sighing, Jim turned his back on us, “When I saw Arrrgh die, I couldn’t bear losing any more of you. I just wish everything could go back to the way things were. When everything was… normal.” Jim shook his head, fist slamming into the table. “Yeah, the Darklands was a failure. I went in alone so you wouldn’t have to. But classic Jim, you guys have to rescue me anyway. Some hero I am.”

Blinky took the hat from Toby as we gathered closer to Jim. “The amulet made you a Trollhunter. You made yourself a hero.” He smiled, grasping Jim’s shoulder as he handed him the hat.”

“But Chompsky didn’t deserve this.” Jim held the hat tight, standing. “He may have been small, but he had a big…” he paused as Arrrgh began sniffing the hat. “You mind? I was trying to give a eulogy.”

Arrrgh walked past Jim, continuing to sniff.

“By Gorgus!” Blinky cried out, “He’s picked up their scent!”

“The goblins?” Claire asked, hopeful we could find them.

“Gnome!” Arrrgh grinned.

“Chompsky’s alive?” Toby grinned, looking over all of us. “What are we waiting for? Let’s go find him!”

Arrrgh led us out of the house and back through the yard. We were headed back into town.

I pulled Jim back as we walked. “You okay?”

Jim glanced up at me, surprised. “Maybe?”

“Still wishing everything was normal?” I asked, keeping an eye on where we were headed, I swear if we end up at the museum again, I’m tearing the goblins to shreds.

“Let me guess, ‘We can’t go back to normal after you went running off into the Darklands,’” Jim huffed, thinking I was going into another lecture.

“Actually,” I gave him a disgruntled side-eye for good measure. “I was going to point out something Toby and Draal had to drill into my head recently.”

Jim looked taken aback, slowing his steps slightly as he waited for me to continue.

Smiling, I looked up at Toby, “Blinky and Claire were venting their frustrations. My ‘evolving skills’ were an easy focal point for them to attack, so to speak. Toby had to remind me that I’m not normal. Hell, neither of us are normal. From our parents, to our friends, our lives?”

At first, Jim looked shocked, glancing between Claire and Blinky, never thinking they would mess with me, even in their frustrations with me.

“Our normal, is whatever we choose to make it,” I pointed out, “There’s no one like us, in the human or magic world. We’re the firsts, and we get to make our own rules, our own way.” I ruffled his hair, genuinely smiling for the first time since we rescued him. “Merlin’s heir and Merlin’s champion. I have a feeling he knew it’d be you.”

“Merlin?” Jim asked, the group pausing ahead as Arrrgh sniffed the air. “You mentioned you talked with him.”

Nodding, I glanced up at the night sky, “In the mana pools. I couldn’t figure out how to reach you in the Darklands and I figured if anyone could tell me, it was Merlin. Well, according to him, I used to call him Uncle Mer.”

“How’d it go?” He stopped, turning fully to face me.

“I needed a change of perspective.” I smiled, turning to him as I summoned the amulet, letting a small amount of my mana enter it, turning the blue disc orange for a moment. “I’m physically and magically tied not only to the amulet, but to you. We’re two sides of the same coin, or in this case,” I paused, watch Jim process my words.

Smiling, he took the amulet from me, tossing it like a coin. “Two sides of the same amulet.”

“You and Claire were both right.” I added, looking at the group, “You may have been chosen to protect our worlds, but Trollhunters protect each other. Something Draal has had to drill into my brain before.”

“No more River shield?” He asked, referring to my stunt in the Quagawump swamps.

“Nah,” I smirked, “I have to trust that my allies can protect you, and each other. Besides, you have an actual shield now.” I snickered, using Draal’s joke.

Arrrgh grunted, heading to the back of a small warehouse. “Here,” he pointed out.

“They’re inside,” Jim snapped his focus back to the task on hand, heading straight for the building.

Toby tried the door but it was locked, Arrrgh stepping in to break the door.

“Hush!” Blinky stopped the large troll. “We must be silent, lest we alert them.”

Jim took to climbing up the side of the building, only able to make it halfway.

Claire and I glanced at each other.

“Um,” she took out her shadow staff, getting Jim’s attention.

“Let me guess, short cut?” Jim asked sarcastically, letting go of the wall.

“River or I could get us in,” She pointed out.

I nudged her shoulder with mine, “Go ahead, practice will help your mana pools grow.”

Nodding she opened a portal, aiming for the other side of the wall. We all quickly jumped in, taking cover behind the crates.

Toby cleared us to continue on as we searched through the warehouse, humming spy music to himself. Opening a crate, he gasped as he pulled out a colorful tube. “We’re in a fireworks warehouse? So cool!”

Arrrgh and Blinky immediately look at me, worried. One highly explosive wizard in the middle of a fireworks warehouse was not ideal.

“Toby, focus.” Claire hissed at him, trying to get him to quiet down. “We’re here to save Chompsky.”

He closed the crate quickly, a look of determination replacing his excitement. “You’re right. But we’re coming back here later.”

“I’m not,” I snickered, following Jim.

He peered around a crate, gasping. We could hear the blood goblins laughing. “Looks like there’s two of ‘em. River and I will flank right, you take left.”

“There should be more, shouldn’t there?” Toby asked, suddenly nervous.

My ears twitched at the sound of growling, glancing up to see a blood goblin on a crate. “Shit!”

The goblin pounced on Blinky’s face, causing the troll to run out where the other two could see him, knocking over several crates of fireworks.

Turning the corner, I groaned seeing that the goblins were the ones that made a fire. “That’s not good!”

The goblins charged, one going for Claire and the other for Arrrgh.

“For the doom of Gunmar,” Jim began, the amulet glowing the wrong color.

“Wrong one!” Toby yelped, activating his war hammer.

“Oops,” Jim winced. “Little rusty. For the glory of Merlin, Daylight is mine to command!” The armor activated, Jim sent a burst of daylight towards the goblin pinning Claire, barely missing it as the goblin dodged. “A little help River?”

“If we blow up, I’m haunting the past Trollhunters in the void!” I snarled, activating Midnight and aiming for the goblin attacking Blinky. As it tried to jump away, I angled the blade of Midnight down, slicing up in an arc and sending a wave of orange mana slicing through the goblin. “One down!”

The goblin Jim was fighting started to use the stick Chompsky was tied to as a sword, flicking embers out and into the crates of fireworks. Said crates were rapidly catching on fire.

“Fireworks fire! Do we put it out or see what happens?” Toby yelped, bouncing in his panic.

Arrrgh quickly went to Toby and blew on the flames, only making them grow faster. “Oh.” He hummed looking at Toby, “See what happens.”

“River?!” Toby yelped, throwing a firework into the flames watching it explode.

“I didn’t do it!” I yelled, chasing the goblin that was previously attacking Arrrgh. Claire grabbed the fire extinguisher only to find out it was empty, “Don’t you have a water spell?”

“With very good concentration, or it explodes!” I yelped as the goblin jumped from the crates in my blind spot, scratching over the scars from Angor Rot’s final attack. “That's it!” I snarled, black flames erupting over my palms as my anger fueled my magic, the veining on Midnight turning red. I grabbed the goblin and the black flames engulfed it. I threw it off of me, unfortunately into the already growing firework fire, causing the orange flames to turn black, a red glow bathing the warehouse now. “Uh oh… okay” I winced, “that one was me.”

The stick the last goblin was using was launched into the fire, stuck in a crate. Chompsky was tied to it. Claire rushed to him with Blinky, carefully untying him while avoiding the flames.

As Jim sliced through the last goblin, Toby climbed onto a crate in the middle of the madness, “Behold! Our dreams and nightmares are uniting!”

Once free, Chompsky ran past us, back into the flames, emerging moments later carrying his Sally-go-back doll girlfriend.

“We gotta get out of here!” Claire picked Chompsky up, looking at the chaos around us.

Jim ran back to us, “Come on!”

Claire opened a portal directly beneath us and we fell out into an alley.

We watched as the fireworks went off, Blinky and Arrrgh mesmerized by them.

“Fireworks,” Claire sighed, leaning on the shadow staff. “So much nicer from a distance.”

Jim turned, getting our attention to see what Chompsky was up to.

Removing the ring from what was left of his spike, he proposed to his girl, sliding the ring on her thigh when her arms weren’t big enough.

We all clapped for the little gnome, Toby tearing up.

“I’m not sure it’s official, but it’s sweet.” Blinky chuckled.

Jim smiled, “Looks like some good came out of the Darklands, after all.”

“Yeah, you dingus!” Claire laughed, “My brother is back because of you.” She nudged into him with her shoulder. “Some great came out of it. We don’t wanna go back and change that.”

“Thank Deya, if I go through another time jump, I might snap.” I huffed, very glad I hadn’t stumbled upon time magic in my lessons or panic induced casting.

“That’s true,” Jim smiled, “We okay, T.P.?”

“We awesome-sauce.” Toby’s smile quickly turning into a glare. “Although I hate that T.P.’s catching on.”

“So, we shall not return to the past, but shall we return to Trollmarket?” Blinky asked, wincing as he watched Chompsky dancing with the doll. “I feel uncomfortable feeding the gnome’s delusions.”

“Yeah,” Toby agreed as we all paused, “This is getting really awkward.

Claire snickered, elbowing me in the ribs, “You gonna tell Draal that a doll got a ring before you?”

“We’re technically ‘married’ by troll standards,” I rolled my eyes, “I don’t need a ring, I’ve got Draal.”

“That was surprisingly sentimental,” Toby laughed.

“How about that short cut?” Jim asked, turning to Claire.

Smiling, Claire linked her arm with Jim’s. “Actually, let’s walk this time. It’s a nice night out.”

Everyone but Chompsky and I followed them.

“River?” Jim asked, looking back at me worried.

I waved him off, smiling. “You guys go on ahead, I have a mate to get home to.”

Jim smiled, nodding as he turned back, heading off with the others.

My smile slipped once they were out of sight. Looking back to the fireworks. Thinking over the possibility of changing the timeline, I shuddered. I don’t think I’d be able to handle that.

Sighing, I teleported to Draal’s energy, landing in the nest with a bounce.

“Rough night?” He asked, seeing my clothes were singed.

I snickered, sitting up as he walked over to the nest. “Not surprised? I used to make you jump.”

“One, I’ve been able to feel your magic shift since we took the binding cure. Two, you’re deflecting.” He smirked, wiping soot off of my face.

Sighing, I leaned into his chest. “We found blood goblins.” He went stone stiff. “And we sort of blew up a fireworks warehouse… the goblins started the fire.”

“That,” He huffed, trying to gather himself, running his stone hand through my hair. “That was a rough night. Blood goblins.”

“We’re hoping they’re strays that were near the bridge when it opened, all dead now,” I pulled back looking up at him, “but…” I trailed off.

“You’re worried that you’re right, something more dangerous than the Darklands is coming.” Draal sighed.

“I’m worried Gunmar had enough time to escape, even by himself.” I admitted, knowing our stunt to save the others was a risk. “And what the crazy witch will do if he frees her.” My hand ghosted over the locket where the memory of my mother’s final battle rested.

“How do you feel?” Draal asked, seeing my hand hesitate over the locket.

“Like time itself is my worst nightmare,” I shook my head, opening the locket. “If Gunmar is able to release her, I need to face this. I need to know what she’s capable of.”

Draal sat on the nest, pulling me into his lap. “I’m here, whatever you decide.”

Taking out the teardrop that held my last memory of my mother, I looked up at Draal, and broke it.

[emmaotoole]

Home for the holidays, amid enduring childhood triggers for my OCD

Capital Current reporter Emma O'Toole in her childhood, biking in her old neighbourhood with her sister, Molly. A trip home during the holidays is bringing back moments from the past when Emma's obsessive-compulsive disorder was gradually coming into focus. [Photo © Sean O'Toole]

This piece was originally published on Capital Current. You can view it here.

I’m eight years old and I’m biking around my neighbourhood. It’s recently developed, the sidewalks lined with new homes and mounds of dirt reserved for homes-to-be. I’m flying through the streets, counting in rhythm as my feet push the pedals — one, two, one, two — making sure it’s even. I’m going fast, wind whipping at my helmet, and as I round a curve, I lose my balance and my body hits the asphalt. 

One.

I brush myself off and hop back on my bike. Then, on purpose this time, I fall off again.

Two. 

I stand up and despite taking two falls, I feel better.

When you interact with the world like a broken calculator, the only thing worse than getting hurt is getting hurt an odd number of times.

When I was eight, I didn’t know there was a name for this; I didn’t even know it deserved a name. Thought patterns like this quickly took over my life, and it wasn’t until I was 19 that I spoke with a doctor who recognized I was experiencing obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD.

OCD is characterized by excessive perfectionism or rituals acted out in response to obsessive and intrusive thoughts. According to the Canadian Association for Mental Health, people with OCD “usually know that their obsessions are creations of their own minds,” but they’re almost impossible to kick.

This disorder manifests in different ways: some people experience compulsions related to an obsession with cleanliness; some experience this with order. Compulsions can be mental, such as repeating phrases, or physical, like completing tasks. They range in severity from quirky to debilitating. Treatment can include therapy, often alongside medication.

For me, compulsions come and go over time; they morph into one another and they flow. I don’t have control over what gets swept into my obsessions and what doesn’t.

From age 5 to about 9, I kept a running tally in my head of every motorcycle I’d ever seen. I don’t care about motorcycles. I never have. But for the sake of Canada’s motorcyclist community, I had to make sure there were even numbers of vehicles on the road. (There were. You’re welcome.)

Aside from my obsession with evenness, one of the main drivers of my OCD relates to the passing of time. If I do anything — eat something, go somewhere, say a phrase, watch a show — around a time when something significant happens to me, that thing will be plagued forever and ever, and I will never be able to repeat it comfortably again. The more time passes, the more intense the anxiety gets.

The most recent iteration of this has taken shape in the sacred space of my childhood bedroom. I’ve had two bedrooms in my parents’ house: the one upstairs with a twin-sized bed, where I spent age 8 to 14, and the one in the basement with a queen, established at age 15 for more privacy. 

After a couple of quiet and COVID-ridden Christmases, much of my extended family has travelled to spend the holidays with my mom, stepdad and me. I’ve sacrificed my spacious basement room for my aunt, uncle and cousin, leaving me with one very feasible, very normal alternative: the bedroom upstairs.

No. Nope. Absolutely not.

The last time I slept in there, I was 14 – do you have any idea how many significant things happened to me when I was 14? And I’m expected to just waltz in there like nothing happened?!

As I write this, I sit in my mom’s home office. It has a desk, some old furniture, and, in the corner, set up just for me, a borrowed cot. It’s hard and it hurts to sleep on. It’s out of place, and sometimes the work phone wakes me up early in the morning. But I’ve never slept in here before, so it’s not tainted yet. 

This office has a perfect view of the street I used to bike on and the corner where I fell. It serves as a reminder of the kid I was, the adult I am and the quirks that will always follow me. I’m better now – I talk to a therapist, I take medication – but I am still me. 

[cwwwriting]

Snakedoctors

By Clinton W. Waters

(Originally published in Indecent Magazine Aug 2022)

It was one of the endless days of summer. The humid air and the cicadas’ song made me feel like I was drowning while the earth was bone dry. I had been outlawed from my momma’s kitchen. She said I was buggin’ her, always underfoot. I needed to get out and enjoy the sunshine while I could. The summer never lasts as long as you think, she said. 

Roy was similarly sent out into the wilderness and told to come home at dark. So naturally, he wound up at my house. Roy had hit his growth spurt already and had eyes real close like a possum. He had sprouted a few chin hairs and thought that made him my boss. His bike was his bigger (but shorter) brother’s hand me down, so his knees nearly came up to his chest as he pedaled up the dusty drive. 

“Let’s go swim,” he said. The sun had brought his freckles to the surface of his cheeks and along his nose. 

“I don’t know, Roy,” I said. “Memaw told me not to go to the crick. It’s probably all dried up anyway.” I was rereading one of my comic books for the hundredth time, clean-cut GI types exploring distant planets where they didn’t belong. Swimming sounded like way more fun, but I took my memaw’s words as gospel. The trees talked to her when she sat real still. She always had a plant to pick when you were feeling any kind of way you didn’t want to. And she saw spooks that told her things in her dreams while she dozed off in the sunshine. They had told her of the widow Emily Jones and how she lingered at the old bridge where she died, and she may never find rest. 

Between the heat and Roy calling me names, I finally gave in. Momma made us some sandwiches and told us to be careful. If we saw a dragonfly, their snake patients were no doubt somewhere nearby. I knew that already, but I told her yes ma’am. 

The breeze from riding as fast as we could gave some relief, but just enough to cool the sweat we were working up to pedal up the hills before coasting down the other side. We took a fork at the new bridge to get to the old one. Wood and mostly upright out of sheer luck, the old bridge had seen much better days. But that was the easiest place to get in and out. We let our bikes fall to the ground and looked down at the crick. 

Somehow, despite the lack of rain, it still seemed full, gurgling as it drifted past the stone supports of the bridge. Roy tugged his shirt over his head, revealing his pale white belly and the hard line border of where his sleeves normally covered, his arms and hands like someone else’s stuck on. I saw he had what could be classified as chest hairs, and waited for him to gloat. He yanked off his shoes and pulled his socks down, revealing more ghost pale skin. 

“Wonder if we’ll see her,” Roy said as he pulled his shorts off too. I followed suit, knowing a comment about my baby fat would be along shortly. 

“Don’t say her name,” I said, holding up a finger in warning. I spit on the ground as an extra ward against the bad luck he was bringing. Roy stepped out into clear water and let out a big sigh of relief. I followed after him and even though the cool water was a shock, it was exactly what I needed. I dunked my head below the water and looked about at the alien world beneath the surface. I turned about in a circle and realized I didn’t see any of the usual frogs or little fish. When I came up for air to tell him, Roy pushed me back down. This happened a few more times, him yanking me up and pushing me back under. Eventually I wiggled my way free and shoved him away. “That ain’t funny,” I said, but he was obviously tickled. I was so sore I forgot all about the fish. 

“Did you think Emily Jones had got you?” he asked, wiggling his fingers. 

“You shouldn’t…speak ill…of the…dead like that,” I said, taking big gulps of air. 

“Like what? She killed her babies then herself. Surely there ain’t any good way of talking about her. Besides, she’s been dead for at least a year,” Roy replied, laying on his back and floating a little ways down towards the bridge. “Mikey come here one night and saw her. Said she was cryin’. Serves her right, I reckon.” I had heard his brother’s story from Roy’s mouth no telling how many times. 

“That’s enough of that,” I said and he lifted his head up to look at me so I could see him roll his eyes.  

I brought my eyes down level with the water and could see the shadows beneath the bridge were black like a moonless night. And Roy was headed right for them. I brought my head up and swam after Roy. He was grinning up at the sun, his eyes shut like he was sleeping. His face went into the darkness as my hand went out and grabbed his ankle. He jerked upright, but I could barely see him in the dark. I heard the unmistakable sound of a lady crying. We weren’t catholic, but I made the sign of the cross like I’d seen some of the kids do. 

“What in the hell?” he muttered, his voice carrying up the stones and echoing off the wood. “You gotta-” he was saying before he screamed. He thrashed out towards me and I could see a cloud of red blossoming out under the water. Roy held his hand to his shoulder as he stood and I could see the blood running out from under his fingertips. “Get out of the water!” he yelled at me as he stumbled up the muddy shore. There was a loud splash from under the bridge and I didn’t need to be told twice. 

Something slick and black green slid upstream towards us. My first reaction was to shout and trip my way up the bank to our bikes. Roy had got to his and was yelling for me to hurry up. His arm hung limply at his waist, a waterfall of red rushing down to where his tan began. Whatever it was broke the surface and two enormous yellow eyes locked onto us. I picked up my bike and held it between me and the thing. It scurried up the bank with no problem, on spindly legs that lifted up its long body. It was easily as big as a dog, hell, probably bigger. 

I hesitated, thinking we should get our clothes. In that split second, I saw its pinchers spread wide. “Jesus Christ!” I screamed and tried to run for the road. Suddenly, its mouth was moving closer to me. Stretched out on something like a long arm, it grabbed my bike up in its teeth. It yanked my bike free from my hands and I fell on my ass. The bike squealed as the monster crushed its frame between its teeth and then tossed it off into the water. 

“Come on!” Roy said, tugging at me. The thing got still, taking aim at us. Roy did the only thing he could think of, I guess, and threw his bike at it too. It grabbed hold of it and didn’t waste any time trying to eat his. 

We were running down the road, our bare feet slapping the dirt. The thing started chasing us, dripping buckets of water off its body. Something like sobbing came out of the creature, as it called out to us. I picked up the pace, but Roy was starting to wobble, getting woozy from losing blood. I stepped in front of him and had him hold around my neck. I pulled him up onto my back and I ran as fast as I could. The blood from his shoulder ran down onto my mine and he started to whimper, asking for his momma. 

We came out of the woods, up to the new bridge. The asphalt scalding my feet, I ran out onto the blacktop. A old pick up truck was hiccuping its way down the road straight towards us. The truck started to honk as the monster came up onto the road. I fell back as its mouth shot out again, getting a hold of my stomach. It was like hot fire as them teeth cut in and took a chunk of me.

The thing was too focused on getting us, I reckon. That pick up truck plowed into that thing and sent it flying out onto the bridge. The old man driving the truck climbed out and pulled the shotgun from its rack in the back window. From the weeds in the ditch, I watched as he hobbled up to it. It cried and cried. 

I still swear it tried to say something. I’m not sure what, mind you. But that old man didn’t give it the chance, and I can’t say as I blame him. The gun went off and echoed out through the trees and fields, sending birds flowing up and out into the sky. I heard the shotgun pumped and then another blast rang out.

I did my best to hold my hand against Roy’s shoulder and the other against my belly. The bug, or whatever it was, had taken a plug out of us both. I couldn’t stop crying. More for Roy than for me. The doctors said I was in shock, which isn’t a surprise. I yelled for the old man and he came. He patted me on the shoulder and said it would all be okay. We loaded Roy into the bed of his truck and I rode back there with him. 

There was a tiny bit of a scandal when we first showed up to the hospital. Two near-naked boys covered in blood hobbling through the front doors, me yelling about a bug almost as big as me. The police came and I told them what happened. Roy had lost so much blood they weren’t sure if he was going to make it. But he did, the lanky possum he was. 

By the time police got to the bridge, whatever it was was gone. The only thing left was a pool of red blood going brown. They didn’t believe it was an alien or a bug, or the embodiment of Emily Jones and her drowned babies. But they posted signs all the same, warning people not to swim there. Memaw nursed me back to health, and though she would never say “I told you so,” I could feel it in the grins she’d give me when I winced at the rubbing alcohol. When school started back, we had the scars to back up our story. Roy and me were a little braver in our version of the tall tale, but we didn’t think that would hurt nothing.

From what I can tell, kids still tell the story of Emily Jones and how she became a demon that ate some stupid boys alive one time. I figure it’s better for them to be afraid than to find out themselves.

[lon3lystarr]

“meanest girl in school”

robin buckley x f!reader

*if there’s any mistakes, typos or errors please ignore them. mean reader (not towards robin), mild language*

“Y/N L/N?! YOU LIKE Y/N L/N?” yelled a surprised steve while pausing the movie him and robin decided to watch “can you be any louder idiot?” said robin with an irritated tone, throwing one of his couch pillows at him “i’m just surprised you decided to have a crush on the girl who would tear you apart even with a look, she’s the meanest girl in school” said steve, arms folded against his chest “oh come on, she isn’t that mean” robin said defensively “not that mean?? are you going crazy robin?” steve said dramatically “shut up, you never even spoke to her” robin said, rolling her eyes to the male “YEAH CAUSE I’M SCARED OF HER!” steve yelled with wide eyes “you’re scared of everything, remember the time you thought you ran out of hairspray and started panicking and freaking out?” robin said causing the male to roll his eyes “that was one time okay, anyways, back to you liking y/n l/n…do you not remember what she did last week to jason carver?” steve said with both arms crossed against his chest. last week friday y/n l/n sat at a vacant lunch table while wearing her headphones like she normally did, the song blasting out of her headphones while she moved her fingers to the beat of the song, jason carver thought it was such a great idea to disturb y/n’s peace by throwing a rough paper ball at her “HEY L/N! being all by yourself makes you look like a freak, maybe you should stop being a bitch to everyone and actually care about your reputation” said jason, loud laughs coming from all directions of the table he was sitting at, y/n calmly placed her headphone’s around her neck and walked up to jason who had a smug smirk on his lips “what do you want sweetheart? tired of being a fuckin-“ jason said but got cut off by a lunch tray forcefully hitting his mouth “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!” yelled jason through his palm, blood seeping through the crack of his fingers “maybe you shouldn’t bother people who minds their business, you think you can talk badly to people because you’re a lowlife jock” y/n said, tossing the beige tray on the lunch table and walking out of the cafeteria with an irritated expression. “okay to be fair he started with her, he should’ve left her alone when she was just peacefully listening to music” robin defended “oh that’s not the only shit she’s done, one time y/n made a boy cry because he said red looked better on her than pink and not to mention that one time she threw a boy into a trash can because he stepped on her foot AND the time she threw a football so hard at micheal miller that left him with a bruised up eye because he didn’t say excuse me” steve said with a laugh, robin just rolled her eyes while grabbing a hand full of popcorn “i’m just saying, if she verbally insults you because you looked at her wrong i’m not giving you a shoulder to cry on” steve said with a shrug “whatever harrington, play the damn movie already” robin said with rolling eyes, the sound of the horror movie playing again on steve’s living room tv.

it was tuesday afternoon, the teens of hawkins high got dismissed for the day, rushing through the doors and letting the cold november air hit their faces. robin threw her beat up bookbag over her shoulders and made her way to her bike with a tired sigh “i really need to save up some money for a car, riding this bike is making my muscles hurt” robin said to herself while pedaling out of hawkins parking lot and to her house. while robin biked home she spotted y/n walking into her house “she is so pretty” robin said softly, y/n turned around and smiled at the freckled teen which caught robin by surprised “OH SHIT!” robin yelled with her bike bumping into a large crack into the pavement, robin landed on the sidewalk roughly “ow..well this shit is embarrassing…” robin said to herself, knees, palms and elbows covered in fresh cuts “hey! are you okay!?” yelled a worried y/n while running up to the short haired girl “u-uh yeah, i think..” robin said shyly “you’re bleeding, i can clean your cuts up if you want”’y/n said, placing her right hand on robin’s right shoulder with a soft squeeze ”i don’t want to bother you, you just came from school and you must be tired” robin said with red cheeks “no it’s fine, those cuts need to get cleaned and i have a first-aid kit at home, come on.” y/n said, standing up and handing robin a hand with a smile “so she isn’t mean like everyone says” robin thought to herself while grabbing her bike with one hand and holding y/n’s hand in the other. robin placed her bike outside of y/n’s house and walked into the girl’s home “it’s so warm in here” robin said with a comforting sigh “i hope it isn’t too hot, it just gets super cold if the heat is off for too long” said y/n with a smile “no no it’s fine, it feels good” robin said, awkwardly standing at the entrance of y/n’s house “that’s good to hear, well let’s to the bathroom to clean those cuts” y/n said while walking to her bathroom with robin following behind “you know you didn’t have to do this, thank you” robin said, sitting her lanky figure onto the sink counter “it’s nothing, can’t leave you all cut up” y/n said while grabbing a cotton ball with rubbing alcohol soaked into it “you know..i can’t believe i’m getting patched up by y/n l/n herself” robin said with a airy laugh “well i can’t believe i’m patching up robin buckley herself, it’s an accomplished” y/n said with a grin “i wasn’t expected you to be so clusmy buckley, it’s cute” y/n said while cleaning up the dried blood off of robin’s elbow “w-well i try not to be but i got distracted by something so pretty and ended up all cut up and bloody” robin said with a smile while playing with the belt loop of her washed out blue jeans “something pretty huh? wasn’t i the last thing you seen before falling?” asked y/n with a smirk “y-yeah..you’re really pretty to me and falling in front of you has to be the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me” robin said while avoiding eye contact, y/n inched closer to the teen’s face with a smile “well if it makes you feel any better i think you’re the prettiest girl i’ve ever seen and you clumsily falling off your bike was the cutest sight” y/n said, holding robin’s chin softly “would it be ill-mannered if i kissed you?” robin suddenly asked, eyes glued on y/n’s lips “not at all buckley” y/n said with a smirk, robin immediately smashed her lips onto y/n’s, hands firmly rested on y/n’s hips “who knew embarrassingly falling off my bike would have me kissing you?” said robin, voice laced with admiration and eyes clouded with lust “who knew” y/n said with a smile, lips slightly swollen from the rushed kiss “my lips are kinda lonely right now” robin said playfully, voice raspy and scratchy “clusmy and corny, what a combination” y/n said with a laugh “well is my charm working?” asked robin with a goofy grin “absolutely” y/n replied, leaning into the short haired girl, placing a softer and calmer kiss onto robin’s pink lips.

“you really kissed y/n without having a heart attack? you’re improving buckley, i’m proud” steve said with a grin “yeah yeah harrington, just tell me which outfit i should wear and hurry because i’ll be late for my date” robin said with a irritated tone “i’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter what you’ll wear, it’d be on y/n’s floor by the end of the date” steve said with a shrug “shut up dingus! pick a damn outfit!” yelled a flustered robin “okay okay! no need to get all defensive” steve said with a laugh “you’re lucky my main priority is y/n and not punching you idiot” robin said with rolling eyes “wow buckley, i’m hurt” steve said dramatically, robin just rolled her blue eyes and headed to the bathroom to finish getting ready for her date “i’m not dealing with your stupidity right now” robin said from the bathroom with a smile “yeah but if it was y/n-“ steve said but got cut by a loud “SHUT UP IDIOT!” from the freckled teen causing steve to let out an amusing laugh.