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transsexualhamlet · 4 years ago

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asmr i psychoanalyze hide for fun

a lot of these are just stupid headcanons but a lot are also how i feel that’s just the way he is so

I know no one will read this it’s so very long but hello he’s my comfort character

(the words are under the cut bc THERE ARE SO MANY WORDS)

thoughts: It’s funny because most of the characters that I really love are just fucking idiots. So stupid. No thoughts head empty. And like at first glance you’d think the same with Hide, he’s got the look of a real dumbass, but he’s actually a really smart person? He just kind of, hides it. He did say he was like allergic to books once (it’s the adhd, king) but that doesn’t change the fact that he emotionally is actually a very intelligent person. It’s something he’s humble about because I don’t believe he really identifies with the intellectual crowd or sees himself as particularly above average, he just finds it easy to understand things. And he doesn’t ever use it for his own advantage even when it would be totally fine to do so, he pretty much always uses it to help other people and I think he believes if he used his strengths to help himself it would be, like, selfish. Which is a problem of his.

gemder n brand of gay: A lot of people in yonder Fandom like to see kaneki as bi and hide as gay but nah fam you’re off. Honestly I do not care about his Date With Rize in the slightest, that man is a homosexual. Hide is the bi one. (it’s not like this is a requirement or anything lmao i am just Saying also i’m bi and i’m projecting) I can also say with confidence that date with Rize was the only date Kaneki’s ever been on and he was definitely lying to himself. (i just, don’t know how you could look at Haise specifically and for one second think he has ever seen a boob) Hide’s the one who’s probably dated people before and he actually knows what’s attractive, he probably just doesn’t discuss that a lot with Kaneki since the bitch is Closeted and hide knows this. It’s funny because Hide canonically has two dads. Like I think that kind of explains him tbh. Bitch has good parents??? He’s the only one but we love him for it. U know Kaneki spent more of his life at Hide’s house than his own.

And as to gender, like obviously hide’s a guy, but i think he’s one of the few cisgenders who could like... tell you why. He’s well versed in those kinds of issues and has just thought about it a lot I guess? He’s comfortable in his skin and with a conventionally masculine appearance but he could tell you what Boy TM means other than yo macho man dude bro guy

personality type- ENFP-T: I took the fucking test for him and it was like... so easy. Took me ten minutes.

basically what this means is it just calls him out as a fucken loud ass sunshine boy who has very many emotion and cares way too much about his friend

love how this part of the description describes kaneki and hide perfectly

biggest strength: he’s so good at helping people?? Like I can honestly say if some random person started rambling about their relationship issues to him I’d give him 10 minutes before he had a perfect solution, he had the person crying and being comforted in just the right way. He’s the perfect medium of confident and caring and he’s not just a fucking ray of sunshine on accident, he’s like, mob psycho 100 style actively working to be nice and compassionate. He’s very aware of how his actions affect people and he always knows just the right thing to say, what to do, when to just let things go or when to say them. And Hide will forgive, literally anything, even if someone does something really shitty to him he’ll realize it’s the product of like, unresolved mental issues or something and seek to fix it instead of cutting the person off. It’s... really good for everyone around him. But well,,, not great for him, see below.

biggest weakness: bitch does nOT leave room for himself. Although he is generally a confident person and isn’t very insecure, he knows he’s giving too much of himself and simply ‘pretend i do not see it but in reality i do’. He’s never put himself first and feels more worthy when he makes someone else happy, and it’s really not that visible but it can take a pretty big toll on him. He’ll feel anger and frustration for his problems but eventually he will end up blaming himself for anything that goes wrong and will just resolve to Try Harder. (which, mood) He does problem solve well and he tries to come up with the best solutions to issues but the fact is he just does not prioritize his own happiness within those solutions. He gives too much and it’s fucking killing him.

what he likes most about himself: Although he does have issues obviously, I don’t see Hide as someone who has particularly low esteem of himself. I think he pretty much thinks he has himself figured out and therefore other people’s problems come first. He generally does, think fondly of himself, because most of the time he can fix people’s problems so he’s yknow, a good person. I think he likes his ability to enjoy life and live in the moment, and he likes his connections and friendships with other people. He values emotional connection and he likes that he can easily create and enjoy good vibes. He loves being the one who everyone just... goes to for a good time.

favorite things: I think I heard somewhere that he enjoys dumb american bands without really understanding what they’re saying which seems very on brand for him, but I’m gonna perscribe him some other stuff too. Obviously he likes bright colors and comic books, and places where he can have fun with other people. He generally likes college, even though it’s like, school, and unlike kaneki he actually had a good childhood and he enjoys the places he spent time and formed good memories, he has Nostalgia TM (see unbelievable by owl city hmmm he vibes to that he was born in 1996 or something right i can’t google things) he also just really likes to just, fix other people’s problems but we’ve covered that.

what he’s doing right and what he’s doing wrong: Hide is doing his best. He’s no less flawed than any of the other characters in tokyo ghoul, it’s just that his strategies tend to involve 100% less murder. Ok no, let me rephrase that, Hide is flawed, but i meant like emotionally, he’s not a war criminal like everyone else. He may seem at first glance like, just, perfect? Sorry for being a simp lmao but I feel like from the outside he’s just got it all together right? He knows what he’s doing and he’s super nice and helpful and smart and humble and just doesn’t have any visible flaws? He... tends to hide any evidence that he would ever be struggling. And that’s not very sexy of him. He feels it would be a burden on others to show pain or ever say he can’t take something on (if someone asked him to do something he’d do it even if he was already mentally at capacity etc) and that’s something he needs to work on. The good thing is that if they got to a point where after Kaneki’s Character Development they got to just... like, be happy and not be separated and everything Kaneki would be good for him because he compliments that. Hide helps him because he needs a lot of like, mental counseling lmao but now that Kaneki’s gone through a lot of that his eyes have been opened more to the fact that Hide hides his problems from Kaneki so if they could just bE HAPPY this is an issue that could be resolved

insecurities: I think Hide kind of believes he’s not allowed to be sad. Cause it’s like, not his job. He’s the source of happiness for everyone else, supposed to have everything together so he can fix everyone else’s problems. he’s not allowed to be in pain or feel bad for himself even though he knows “Boys Can Cry” it’s like, yes boys can cry, not me tho haha lmao it’s not about his masculinity it’s just he’s like “yeah but kaneki’s had it worse” so like if he finds himself in a bad place, he feels inadequate and like... fundametally broken. and it’s. Like. I felt that but also like king that’s not how it works

goal in life: I think he wouldn’t really be able to answer that question. What the truth would be is that he probably wants to do something grand and important that helps a lot of people and kind of changes the world. But he might not really think of it that way, since he’s usually focused more on smaller more isolated issues and he has no idea what he wants to do as a career. He admires activists and people who put themselves at risk but it probably makes him feel inferior that someone else is Doing Something About This Big Problem and he’s just sitting there riding around on his bisexual bike and being in college. (I’d like to say he’s probably changed majors at least a few times,,, that man was like “oh yeah lmao i’m gonna be a comic book artist” but someone said something about how he’s a good therapist and he’s like “brb kinshift i am now a psychology major” lmao.) (hello i am projecting but i’m right) He sees a tumblr post about some issue somewhere and he hyperfixates on it for days until he sees another post about something worse it’s an issue. But I think what he ended up doing was what he wanted to, even if he never recieved any recognition for it the internal sense that he was doing something Right TM in the eyes of history would probably make him cry

how he was raised: I can’t really say much to this because there’s barely any canon on this and the canon that does exist I have completely ignored other than the fact that he has two dads. Bro tbh? He didn’t need any tragic emo backstory I think he had a great childhood. Honestly he’s probably a rich kid. Not super rich but he’s not struggling man. Not gonna lie to you I think the only reason he went to Kamii was because he wanted to be at the same college as Kaneki who probably got a scholarship. Hide, didn’t. (it’s not like he’s not intelligent but I don’t really think that his grades are his biggest priority, the only time he ever pays attention in class is to give kaneki the answers when he’s gone)

What irks me about the random lore drop in the last chapter about him having a CCG dad that died or whatever- it kind of ruins the whole point for me. Personally I choose to believe he had nothing whatsoever to do with ghouls or the ccg before all that happened to Kaneki. He probably had correct opinions on them, but only like, in theory, it’s like straight people that are like “yeah ofc gay ppl valid” but they’ve never really had any personal experience with any. So when he gets involved in that- the fact is that the only reason he was... was bc of kaneki. It was never more complicated than that to me. YKNOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST, NICE, OK?

And I think for me that the fact that he could actively choose to be nice and be aware of all these problems when he’s practically got every advantage in life is a lot more important. He didn’t have to be poor or have a dead parent or have a shitty childhood for him to be really genuinely good. I don’t think he’s ever been bullied or anything, but he can still be aware that it sucks to be bullied. I think he was just... raised right. I think his dads are probably pretty fucking baller for him to be such a bro. They taught him the right shit.

General philosophy: Hide is one of the only people in the series for whom the dynamics of right and wrong are not hard to understand. He’s never been required to pick up a weapon or actually truly fight in the CCG, he’s never been really mean to anyone. Of course I can say he’s probably decked a few ppl that made fun of Kaneki in middle school, but haven’t we all. The thing is that though he’s never suffered at the hands of others, everything that’s hurt him he’s gone in fully consenting to it- he can still understand and forgive what everyone else has done. Like bro he’s the literal only one around who’s not like a literal war criminal, but he’s not going to think he’s better because of it, because he understands that if he had been in their circumstances he couldn’t say how he would have turned out.

That’s why I think it’s so important that he never really had a bad childhood- he’s not better than them for turning out without any blood on his hands, because he was never required to. And he knows that and he goes through every day with all these people who have and is conscious of it. He can’t ever say he’s incapable of hurting other people, because he would have said that about Kaneki before all of it happened. So he’s quite politically correct compared to Kaneki and the others but he doesn’t see things that way.

relationship bullshit: i mean bro i know this is a serious post about like psychological and emotional things but i felt the need to discuss whY does everyone write hide as a bottom I mean like sure he’d bottom if his partner was a top but this is simply not the case with kaneki look at him. Hide. Service top. I rest my case. The man’s the biggest switch ever but when he’s a top he’s a nice top. I think Kaneki needs that to be perfectly honest. He really likes to take care of people. Also kind of off topic but his love language is quality time he just wants to play video games wit da homies and he might fall in love a bit

I find it genuinely funny how much i cannot get away from the tentacle porn on the god forsaken archive of our own just looking at the tags i already know it’s so out of character haitoheoihesdsdsa and don’t get me started on the vore

how kaneki sees him vs how he actually is: One of the biggest problems in kaneki and hide’s relationship is how in the beginning, Kaneki didn’t really understand at all that Hide could be hiding anything from him. Kaneki’s not good at picking up clues like that in general, but the fact that he was hiding so much himself didn’t help at all. Hide gives off the vibe of someone who has no inhibitions and shows every side of himself without hesitation, and Kaneki really does idolize that. He didn’t realize that Hide could possibly be suffering or imperfect compared to his vision. He sees Hide as practically an angel, and that’s exactly how Hide wants Kaneki to see him, because he doesn’t want to burden Kaneki with his own problems since he believes they’re not as important and they would make Kaneki sad. Kaneki knew Hide wasn’t as oblivious as he seemed, but he didn’t really understand what that meant until too late. The good thing about Kaneki’s character development though is that it then helps Kaneki understand that Hide was suffering because of him and he didn’t want Hide to hide it anymore (lmao). If they’d only executed that point well that could have been really good but well that’s what fanfic is for

how he sees kaneki vs how kaneki actually is: This one’s a lot more difficult, because well. Hide’s very good at knowing exactly how people are in their hearts, compared to Kaneki. But there are definitely some things that he’s not super up on. He wasn’t around for a lot of Kaneki’s development, so most of the time I think he still believes Kaneki doesn’t want to see his pain, which is, simply incorrect, Kaneki would obviously not be happy to hear it but it would tear him up inside to realize he’s been oblivious to it the whole time. He’s grown a lot more mature since he spent most of his time with Hide, and I really think Hide could benefit from being able to open up to Kaneki the way he is now. And well. I think his biggest misconception has to be that Kaneki enjoyed women lmao

the most him thing i’ve ever done: listening to a happy upbeat song and visibly bopping while also uncontrollably sobbing

miscellaneous headcanons:

-he’s a morning person lmao. Motherfucker gets up at 6 AM and Kaneki is like PL EA SE NO

-what he finds attractive is like. twinks and girls with hair in colors that don’t exist and ppl who don’t know what gender is

-He likes Imagine Dragons lmao you can see by the next point

-his coping mechanisms are mostly music and other people tbh he’s like “oh i am having emotions? disgusting” *goes to a party*

-he plays dnd and he mains a warlock i don’t make the rules

-he doesn’t look like someone who would do that shit but he probably knows how to use tarot cards

-idk how but that motherfucker is so neurodivergent i can smell the hyperempathy on him look at that man he has so much adhd

-he’s fully aware that his fashion sense is terrible and continues to wear more and more ridiculous clothes to piss kaneki off

-this man has tungle dot fuck. Look at him. His url is probably something along the lines of my ao3 username lmao

-he can see the forbidden shrimp colors smh

-this bitch likes mob psycho 100 and the promised neverland, kaneki keeps telling him to watch death note and he’s just like n o hhsdfhhfdshdfshdfs he probably kins tpn emma

-he doesn’t know how to drive lmao he bikes everywhere and he lives in tokyo

-i am once again thinking about how he was in a play with kaneki and kaneki was the main character and he was the spicy side character that’s not a headcanon just. that

songs that are, him:

-Stand By You (Rachel Platten)

-Luck (American Authors)

-Love (Imagine Dragons)

-If I Lose Myself (One Republic)

-Stardust (New Politics)

-Secrets (also one republic)

-Flaws (Bastille)

-100 Bad Days (AJR)

-I Lived (another one republic lmao)

-Battle Scars (Paradise Fears)

-Rise Up (Imagine Dragons)

yeah he definitely listens to this shit lmao

#tokyo ghoul #hideyoshi nagachika #hidekane #kanehide #jesus christ i am hyperfixated #rowan's hyperfixation essays

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suffering-and-happy-about-it · 4 years ago

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Nicole’s rambling: In the defense of Oliver Ulliva and age gaps

Okay, first let me remind you - this is my POV on the book as a whole. Everyone has their way of understanding of what exactly happened in Call me by your name (the novel) and you don’t have to agree with everything I am about to say - WHICH IS TOTALLY FINE.

Second thing - I’m going to be using translations and page references to my copy of the book - that being the first Czech edition from the year 2018, translated by Lucie Podhorná because it varies from the OG book itself (for example, when Elio talks to Vimini, my copy says "when did he tell you?" instead of "when had he tell her?"; it's just small nuances). Also, that's why I'm referring to Oliver as ‘Oliver Ulliva’, because my copy canonically confirms this being his last name - it refers to his last name being ‘Ulliva’ a few times since Mafalda cracks his egg open.

What made me even wanna write this rant? I don’t wanna in any way talk about the author or the director, or the actors. But... Well, quite a few things - especially the statement that their relationship was predatory since the very begging (simply because Oliver is seven years older) and that it was practically a ‘consensual ra*e’ and... Listen.

1. The Age Gap

Most of these were from the American audience who viewed the movie - but let me explain why Europeans might view this relationship differently and why you might change your opinion about it as well. I am not saying Americans don't do these things as well, but from what I've seen on the forums, etc., it seems to me that European x American view on age gaps is way different.

For the sake of this statement, I interviewed 10 of my European friends - of which were mostly all Czech. Europeans do not see a problem with having a seven-year (and more) age gap between the partners - you rarely find a couple of which both are the same age; three-years being the “standard” gap.

Young people, around 17 - 19, at least in my country, are attracted to older partners for various reasons - some like the intellectual potential of their partner, some are searching for a form of certitude in an older partner having their priorities sorted out and figured out their lives and what they want to do with themselves; whether we are talking about m/m, w/m, w/w or a non-binary relationship. One of my friends told me she searches older partners solely because they feel more protected by them. It's the sense of serenity, a different feeling of connection and different understanding to your other half.

I've talked to four of my friends, who both have partners of the same age or max. 1-year gap and even they told me they absolutely can see themselves dating a partner older by minimally five years. So, it's not a controversial thing here, really.

Maybe it’s more common in here, but rarely anyone frowns upon such relationships. At the time of my first relationship, my first partner was five years older than me - and I honestly couldn’t see myself with someone my age. From my experience, the relationships and bonds have a higher probability to last longer (we had a beautiful relationship of three years), it isn’t only driven by hormonal side of things and such, the feelings can develop into something more meaningful than just simple and shallow lust. More for that matter - most of these age-gap relationships didn't end extra-bad breakups and the partners tended to continue seeing each other as friends.

When I interviewed my friends, asking them about the length of these relationships, it was never less than a year. Usually, they said that they learned a ton of new stuff about themselves and having a healthy, normal relationship than from dating someone their age. So... Yeah. I guess that personal, first-hand experience is what makes us see the relationship for its good and bad, but still assures us not to perceive the relationship as predatory.

Now, you might say that while were living in the 2020s', Call me by your name took place in 1983 - and guess what? It was written in the year 2007. Does that mean something? The answer is - no. My grandma met my grandpa in the 80s' (I asked her about this as well and they have 14 years gap; my other grandma and grandpa met at the end of 80s' and the start of 90s' and they, as well, have 8 years between them) and by this, you can see that the situation is more or less the same as it was.

For all of the above, I can see why Elio fell for Oliver so quickly. First and foremost - he mentions Oliver being older like... Three, four times in a book that has word count 76.996? Elio doesn't care about age - it's a story about two human beings falling in love. It's not trying to research the problem of age and such. Stop judging the story for the wrong reason, ffs.

2. The 'consensual ra*e' argument:

Another thing I've encountered is the audience calling the story 'consensual ra*e'... Let me elaborate and tell you why you're wrong. In America, the age of consent is 16 - 18. In Europe, we have the age of consent established at 15 (the lowest being Estonia with 14) and you are a lawful adult at 18 years old. Given that Elio was 17 in the summer and 18 in November, he was already perceived as an adult; given what were his parents like and what relationship they had to him. (Again, I am looking at the story from today's perspective since the audience did as well). He was a man at the time Oliver came to Italy, he was a man at the time he had sex with Marzia, he was a man when he had sex with Oliver and he was a man when he traveled to Rome.

Elio should be perceived as an adult who carries most of his personal responsibility on his shoulders (since you're more than partially punished for the laws you break from the age of fifteen) and if he decides that he wants to be in a sexual relationship with an older man - he can rightfully do so. Surely, the relationship had another big B U T (for some people) - homosexuality and homophobia. And from the historical standpoint, I don't wanna spend too much time over it. The LGBT movement foundation ties back to 1969; given that Italy was in the capitalistic pro-American part of Europe (Czechia was under the Communist regime at the time, so homosexuality was barbarically punished in my country), I think there wasn't a problem with a subtle, not-too-obvious gay relationship. Sure, you couldn't walk into the open and hold hands and such, but you wouldn't get you beheaded.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not an expert on Italian war history and I don't particularly know what happened with Italy after WW2, but I know that in 1985, first LGBT organization got founding from the republic and from that I assume the situation, especially if it would be a subtle relationship, wouldn't be as bad.

In the story, it is hinted that both Sami and Anella were aware of the whole relationship - I mean, come on. Sami knew (since he had the big speech about being corrupted at the age of thirty, ("I think he's better than me, dad".; "And I am sure he would say the same about you, which both of you makes seem like good people." - Call me by your name, page 221)) and Anella perfectly knew at least in the movie - I mean, the car-ride home? Oh, she knew very well and she even told Marzia at the dinner, IMO.

Now tell me why would the relationship be a consensual ra*e? Because it is not bent to accommodate American laws? Because it not an ordinary every-day relationship? In which way is it ra*e? At the age of 17, you are taken as A D U L T who has their responsibilities to fulfil, at least here in Europe.

3. Oliver didn't love Elio as much as Elio loved Oliver:

... What? I mean... What?

Sure, you are seeing the whole story from Elio's eyes and for that, you are more likely to take Elio's side in this matter. In the end, it was Oliver who was getting married, right? And he was the first one to reach out, right? Well... It was a both-sided thing. At the first few pages, Elio says “"Do you want to look at them? "Not now, maybe later." Polite indifference, as if he noticed my out of place zealous effort to make him like me as he pushed me away briskly."; page 12 and on page 18, Elio states "We started - he must've seen the hints way sooner than I did - to flirt.", let alone that Elio describes that probably, Oliver visited his room while he was asleep.

I can see where the opinion that Elio loved Oliver more could've come from - he was young, hasty and captivated by the entirety of Oliver. Since we see the story by his side, Oliver can seem to be the less active out of the two. But trust me, he loved him the same amount, if not more. This was confirmed by both Sami and Vimini -

Page 92, a conversation between Elio and Vimini, Oliver went to the sea with Anchise:

"Do you know where Oliver is?" "I don't know. I thought he went fishing with Anchise." "With Anchise? He's crazy! He almost killed himself the last time!" No response. She was looking at the sun slowly setting down. "You like him, don't you?" "Yes," I responded. "He likes you too. More than you do - I think." You really think so? - No, Oliver does. - When did he tell you? - Not too long ago.

and page 220, when Sami and Elio talk about their trip to Rome:

"Oliver may be very intelligent—," I began. Once again, the disingenuous rise intonation announced a damning but hanging invisibly between us. Anything not to let my father lead me any further down this road. “Intelligent? He was more than intelligent. What you two had had everything and nothing to do with intelligence. He was good, and you were both lucky to have found each other, because you too are good."

Which obviously shows that both of the people who are indirectly watching the relationship between Elio and Oliver blossom in front of their very eyes are aware that both were very much in love. And Vimini, even if she said 'Oliver does think he loves Elio more', she could see that these two are very much attracted to each other. She was spending a lot of time with Oliver throughout his stay in Italy and she was beyond intelligent - these two were an incapable pair idiots compared to her.

So, no, Oliver doesn't love Elio more; he's just not being as childish about it as Elio is. Once more, the age gap is tying into this topic; while Oliver has his 'hot-headed' days, he already went through the phase of being obsessed by someone (or at least the phase being obsessed and letting the surroundings know). He is slightly more mature than Elio, so he just doesn't let himself go that easily.

And I think that he maybe suffers from internalized homophobia - page 224, Oliver talks with Elio as he comes back for Christmas:

"You should leave then. They (Elio's parents) know about us." "I figured so," he responded. "How?" "By the way your father spoke. You're lucky. My father would have me carted me off to a correctional facility."

In this short piece of dialogue, you can see that Oliver's father isn't okay with LGBT (not too much to wonder about, the American society was different than it is now, it wasn't a safe space for queers). And it's plausible that if Oliver had listened to this as he grew up, he got scared when his mind and body reacted to Elio in this way. We can see that for Elio, he lets go for some time; as they sleep in the 2nd part of the book and visit Rome together in the 3rd part of the book. He tried to overcome the fear and simply because he was in love with the boy, he did overcome it.

But you can see the broken shell (which was tore down in Italy) slowly getting together as Oliver gets back to the USA. He, once more, is under the pressure of American society who is not LGBT friendly at the time, his own father would've never supported his decisions regarding his love life, it could cost him his academic career... And for all of these reasons, it was more logical for Oliver to get married. It was his way of putting order back into his life; it was his way of being good as he says Elio.

So, yeah. Here you have it. Oliver was in love, the relationship could benefit both parties and it wasn't a consensual ra*e, thank you very much.

#call me by your name #call me by your name movie #call me by your name novel #elio perlman #oliver ulliva #anella perlman #samuel perlman #cmbyn #luca guadagnino #andré aciman #armie hammer #timothée chamalet #call me by your name...#and I will call you by mine

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lemystical-puffle · 4 years ago

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My A3 Sexuality Headcanons that no one asked for!

[These won’t include Gender, only sexual orientation or lack thereof(is that a phrase?)]

Color coordination

Gay

Pan

Aro

Hetero

Sakuya Sakuma: Pansexual! He doesn’t have any preferences, honestly after his childhood he just wants someone who will love and accept him!

Masumi: Bisexual. I feel like he would love the director whether they be boy, girl, other, all, he just wants someone to give him attention, and that person just happened to be out beloved Izumi Tachibana.

Tsuzuru: okay this ones me projecting but whatever Aro/Ace Tsuzuru. He doesn’t feel romantic attraction, and instead just feels a family-brotherly kind of love towards his friends and fellow actors. He doesn’t really want to romantically be with someone, and yet instead just wants to be there for them when they need it and love them the same way he loves his family at home

Citron: Also pan!! But Pan-Romantic specifically. Citron literally just wants to love everyone ever because he’s just awesome like that, but won’t go pass kissing someone. It just makes him uncomfortable which is perfectly fine because he is Citron Lastname! But yeah, also no gender prefermance

Itaru: Bi with a male preference. I can’t really explain why I think this, I just do. Maybe because most of the woman he has ever shown interest in are his 2D anime waifus. Also I mean come on he totally had a whole thing for Lancelot he thinks knights are hot and that is so valid.

Chikage: he is a gay cabbage. Listen the only time he has said he liked a woman it was because he said they weren’t like his mom and I am just- I’m sorry I don’t trust that. This man is a gay, he is never had a boyfriend but he has definitely thought of hooking up with his boss for a raise, thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

Tenma: Also bi! Bi-Ace specifically. I wasn’t really sure where to put him because on one hand I feel like he has a lot of MLM energy but on the other hand his solo song so I just, bi. I feel like his gay awakening came when he played the token gay best friend in a romcom because gay actor erasure but Tenma didn’t really understand, but later he was in a scene where he was with his boyfriend who shows up for one second to remind the audience he’s a homosexual and Tenma was just: crap he’s not

Yuki: okay at first I didn’t know what to put for Yuki cause on one hand sexuality erasure Yuki has specifically said he likes girl and he defies stereotypes and stuff but on the other hand he never said he didn’t like boys so he’s bi with a female preference. I feel like Yuki is the kind of guy to just happen to fall in love with whoever and just go “oh crap did I just fall in love?” And while he likes girls more sometimes it just. Happens.

Muku: Surprise surprise he’s Pan! Muku totally reads shoujo manga with all sexualities and is very livid about good representation, will write a “negative review” (and in Muku terms that’s him being very polite, 4.5/5 stars and linking research resources) about how inaccurate a sexuality was portrayed. I feel like at first he just thought he was a very active ally and now he is just: “oh crap boys. And girls. And enbys. And genderfluids. And everyone.”

Misumi: Misumi is very homosexual, which at first he was sad about because homosexual has 2 o’s which are circles but then he realized he can just say gay but spell it like: G🔺Y so he got happy again. I feel like it was one of the reasons he was kicked out of his home, he just likes boys Jeez Ikaruga parents no rights. (I also Headcanon him as autistic but that’s not what this post is about).

Kazunari: In Kazunari Miyoshi’s world he never has to make a decision in his life and that includes sexuality. Show him a guy and a girl and tell him to pick one and he will simply overload until he picks the person who knows the most trivia on classical art or smthing. Kazunari just: adores everyone ever, and that’s okay! After a lot of internalized homophobia and fear, he was able to come out to first a small group of college friends and eventually felt comfortable with the label and was able to express it openly, now he wears it with pride!

Kumon: I really don’t have any explaining to go here, Kumon just feels gay to me. My head can’t wrap around him wanting to be intimate with a girl. I do think there was this big moment of him coming out to Juza and Juza just going “s’okay.” Then they hug and get ice cream

Banri: Banri is bisexual with a straight pride flag and a Juza Preference. Catch him at the straight pride parade telling “those Homo’s that they’re going to burn.” While making out with Juza against a wall. That’s canon I don’t take criticism

Juza: Also Gay, I feel like Kumon came out first and Juza did research and was like “oh me too.” And just thought about how he’s never actually liked a girl and thought boys were kinda pretty and oh crap Settsu slicked his hair back oh crap oh crap pretty men.

Taichi: Taichi is bisexual, with his preferences being as random as his hair. Except no weird 1/4 quarters going on. Idk where I was going with that analogy I’m sorry. Taichi just likes the humans and wants to go kiss kiss with them all, and then bring them along on his journey for fame and popularity!

Omi: Listen, Omi is the mother of Mankai, and as the mother he loves everyone unconditionally. He also totally wanted to kiss Nachi I’m sorry. I feel like Omi has a male preference, but only by a bit as he loves everyone! He is a good boy and brings all the snacks and water to the pride parades so his friends stay healthy :)

Sakyo: Sakyo is the straight~ supportive dad who doesn’t care if you’re gay straight bi pan anything as long as you pay your taxes. Was probably a little confused at first just because. Probably said “LGBT? Isn’t that a sandwich.” But he got informed did research and is now a huge ally! After more research he identifies specifically as graysexual/romantic as he feels rarely any romantic attraction at all unless under certain circumstances aka Izumi Tachibana. I akso think he suspected that Azami was LGBT for a bit before he came out so he wanted to do research so that Azami would feel comfortable coming out when he was ready. Also he can’t like, not support Sakoda (who I Headcanon as gay :) )

Azami: Azami is bi-aro. Sex? Nah he won’t even hold your hand before marriage, however he will love you no matter your gender. I also see him with a female preference just from his straight upbringing and it’s the title he feels most comfortable with after some internalized homophobia, especially with how his dad shamed him for liking makeup. He is still getting used to the LGBT community and I feel like he is still taking baby steps, learning about different identities and wanting to do all he can to support both himself and his fellow actors due to simply not knowing where to start. Don’t worry Azami take you’re time! There is no rush, you are trying to figure yourself out and we all love you so much for it, there is no shame in changing your mind later. We adore you all the same. (If you couldn’t tell, I wasn’t only talking to Azami. If you are still questioning yourself it is 100% okay, because honestly I am too. There is no rush to figure yourself out, and I hope you know that we are all here for you!)

Tsumugi: Tsumugi is gay, but I feel like he also had a lot of internalized homophobia. I feel like when he was younger he really liked Tasuku but didn’t really understand the difference between platonic and romantic, and it took some time before he was able to really discover himself and come to the identity he has currently.

Tasuku: Tasuku is gay and homophobic.

Hisoka: Hisoka is homo-demi-romantic asexual. I feel like it won’t want to date anyone without really earning their trust and feeling safe around them, and after that point he still will be pretty shy romantically, but it is very much understandable and we all still love Hisoka

Homare: Homare is pan. He doesn’t really care about gender, he just wants someone who will love him and his poetry without seeing him as broken. I feel like after his last relationship he was hesitant to date again, but after some time and help from the rest of winter troupe he was able to rediscover himself. (Also autistic Homare go brrrr)

Azuma: Azuma is an old gay man who just thinks boobs are neat. That’s it that’s the post sent tweet turn off replies.

Guy: New color who this? This is because I didn’t know what to put for Guy, so he simply doesn’t identify as anything. I don’t know a lot about Guy but I know enough to feel like relationships would be very awkward and touchy for him due to his problems with emotions and expression. He isn’t straight, but he doesn’t really identify as anything either. He’s just: Guy. Which is more than valid

[oh also all of winter is Poly and they’re boyfriends thanks for coming to my Ted talk]

Hope you all liked these! Of course they are all my own opinion and you don’t have to agree with all, they’re just how I feel!! Feel free to reply or reblog with your own opinions or Headcanons!!

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sapphicambitions · 5 years ago

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like when I say I think Luke Castellan is gay I don’t mean it as a cutesy “don’t u wish ur fave was gay” kind of way I mean textually and seriously I believe he was gay.

I could cite the petty stuff like “he only had female friends growing up” and “he clearly never showed interest in women even though many women were interested in him” or “he is one of the few people in the series who didn’t actually have a serious love interest / partner” or whatever but i feel like it’s actually much deeper than that. Luke was a young person who had a difficult and strained relationship with his parents. He saw how flawed the system was and how it was treating people like him, and sought to change the system, give power to people like him, and start it all over. (Yeah, he fell victim to people who influenced him to the dark side but that had nothing to do with his gayness, imo.) He just reminds me a lot of characters like Nico and Catra from She-Ra: repressed gay with a strained relationship with parental figures, angry and willing to take down the world. In this essay I will-

.......like no but seriously

Luke had a very troubled childhood because of his mother’s damaged mind, and the fact that she was constantly having fits and telling him how terrible things were going to be for him. When Luke is (angrily) describing his childhood to Hermes he says: “You could’ve helped me when she was having one of her fits, shaking me and saying crazy things about my fate. When I used to hide in the closet so she wouldn’t find me with those glowing eyes,” like!!! he even mentions hiding in a closet (let me find the subtext where i want it) but seriously, you know what’s one of the first things my mother said to me when I came out to her? “You know how much harder your life is going to be, don’t you?” So then Luke ran away from his home and found a new family, one that looked out for each other and loved each other more than their blood family ever did. This is a queer narrative!!

And with Hermes, it was all sorts of fucked up. His father kept him at a distance. Made Luke feel like there was something wrong with him, like he didn’t love him. His dad made it very clear to him what his expectations were of him, tried to encourage him to be a great hero, like all the heroes before him (when he was talking to him about sending him on a quest and Hermes said “You will get a change to be a great hero before…”) but Luke didn’t want to be the person his father expected him to be. He wanted to be something new, something true to himself. Luke was always burdened down with the weight of his parent’s expectations, both the expectation that he should strive to be a perfect hero and the knowledge that his future was doomed.

So one time i was at a bar with friends and me and the only other queer person there were talking and he was like “gay men and their dads, you know what i mean?” and I was like “yeah also gay women and their moms” and we had a whole discussion about growing up with a certain set of expectations of who you’ll be from your parents and the gendered expectations they have for you and having to crush all of that when you come out to them and navigating the difficulties that come with that when you want to be your own person so like there’s your real world comparison / evidence for that argument

ALSO Luke ran away from home but then kind of immediately went to Camp Half-Blood where he was shoved into the Hermes cabin with all of his siblings and undetermined kids and then still expected to scrape part of his food in the fire and be thankful to his deadbeat dad. That would suck! He was already harboring all of this rage inside of him, and then he went on his quest. Saw the world. Was exposed to other schools of thought. He understood that he was just being used as a pawn. He came back a different person, he didn’t quite fit in at camp anymore now that he’d seen the world. Kind of like when I went off to be gay at college and then came back to my childhood home and had to be straight around all my high school friends. just saying.

Luke saw the flaws in the system, the way the gods ruled the world. The way the gods treated their children and how much it hurt them. He felt so betrayed and hurt and abandoned by his dad and all the gods, so instead of sitting with it, he thought “I can do better.” Luke sought to rebuild the world, scrap it all and start new. Start with new leaders who took better care of everyone, who did things completely differently than the way it was done before, and raze anything before it. We’re going to ignore the fact that he was influenced to the dark side for a moment because it’s not related to this essay, but I also feel like this is a very queer narrative. (how many times can i say that phrase in this essay) Seeing the flaws in the way the world is treating people like you and wanting to do better. Luke said (this not an actual book quote more of a dramatic sentiment): “I won’t be used and I won’t be who you want me to be. I will become my own person and there’s nothing you can fucking do to stop me. I will make a new world, better than before, without you, for people like me, and I will tear down the walls of the previous world if I fucking have to” and i just think that’s very gay rights of him.

A thing that I’m a big fan of is seeing specific character types and relating them to each other. For example: our fave Nico di Angelo and Catra from She-Ra. (If you haven’t seen She-Ra, she’s the DEFINITION of an angry repressing gay) We can see from Nico’s narrative and from Catra’s narrative and also just straight up my own personal narrative that sometimes when you’re gay and repressing and afraid of becoming the person you are warned against, while also knowing that you were meant for more but maybe not quite understanding what that more is yet, and overall just want to feel accepted and loved as who you truly are but not receiving that, it can tend to make one lash out in angry and irresponsible ways. It can make one isolate themselves from those they previously were close to. It can lead to irrational and impulsive choices for all the wrong reasons because you don’t feel right and you don’t know why. Not at all saying this is the same across the board for queer people, it’s just something that honestly happens to some people and I can relate to when i see it in characters.

I see that in Luke. He is weighed down by everything his parents want him to be, both good and bad, and is trying to scrap the world and make a new one for people like him. He wants to take his turn, pushing aside anyone who’s hurt him. Luke was someone who was constantly being torn apart by the world and just wanted to feel safe and secure in who he was and the world he was in. He was acting in anger and fear and hurt and revenge for his childhood and because he still felt like there wasn’t a place in the world for him. He lashed out against his father and his family and his friends and pushed them all away. Sure, he had some friends at Camp Half-Blood, but Annabeth’s devotion to him was not enough to make up for like, all of his childhood trauma. First everything with his mom and then being on the run for so long and then meeting his dad and then losing Thalia (which also fueled his anger and hatred of the gods but like we knew that) and his quest and just everything. He was dealt a cruel hand and he didn’t handle it well. Not that that has anything to do with him being gay but I’m just lamenting over the tragedy of his life. Anyway.

Also not to quote the Lighting Thief because it’s not technically in Rick’s canon but i still think they perfectly understood the characters so I’m including it, but the idea that Luke has tried to be a good kid, he’s tried to do what was expected of him, he’s done everything they ever asked of him, but it didn’t pay off. It didn’t matter. It still wasn’t a world he belonged in. “you know this world will never be ours as long as our parents rule over the stars” and “it’s time to make the world our own” strikes me very much to the tune of LGBT activism. once again ringing in that idea of “if you won’t make the world better than i will do it with my bare hands” he also sings “the gods were never on our side, so i think it’s time we watched them fall” which gets to me every time because like he was just a kid! he was just a kid who had so much hurt and anger inside of him and he went about everything the wrong way but he was just a fucking kid!

also YES to be petty and shallow but while Annabeth and Thalia refer to luke romantically, he never mentioned the same for him. Kelli the sexy monster hits on him during Battle of the Labyrinth and was clearly interested in him and he pushes her away without any hesitation. IN FACT the only demigods referenced on Luke’s ship are Chris and Ethan (why we didn’t see any of that trio, I’ll never understand), with Ethan working much closer with Luke and being a major player in the Titan War. (also I think Ethan is queer too but that’s a battle for another day.) And Rick LOVES romances. pretty much every character gets paired up with someone in the original series (percy and annabeth, grover and juniper, even Clarisse and Chris) which is fab thank u rick for my percabeth rights but Luke is the only character who does not get a girlfriend!! because he’s a homosexual!!!! you know what other character didn’t get paired off in the original series??? NICO, a known homo!!! i do think that luke is a case of “accidentally written homo” because this was before rick saved the world and gave us nico’s coming out and really started pushing for queer rep in the books (thank u again rick!!!!), so I’m allowed to find my gay subtext in the original series, thank u very much!

listen all im saying is that my favorite character narrative is “angry gay coded villain who is repressing and lashing out at the world because of it” and i truly believe luke fits into that narrative and I stand by my argument.

Thank u for attending my TED Talk

#lesbianlaynie #i spent like three hours writing this #luke castellan #percy jackson #percy jackson and the olympians #reckless tagging im so sorry #annabeth chase #the lightning thief musical #tltm #the lightning thief #the battle of the labyrinth #the last olympian #pjo #laynie's pjo essays

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raguna-blade · 4 years ago

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So thinking bout persona, which as far as this blog is concerned is basically all I do, and I got to thinking.

So the Metaverse/Mementos, Shadow Time/Tartarus and The World in the Tv/Midnight Channel are all basically the same thing right? Not PRECISELY the same thing, but the overlap is immense and real. I'd be willing to bet that the various spinoff games Including Q and such would also count towards this in that they're kinda worlds in the sea of the Unconscious (and with at least Two Users of the Universe Arcana sleeping to keep the world secure right now, who knows what weird funky things are going on there.)

But they're generally the same thing, and part of the rules that are generally established have to deal with perception and one and all seem to exist as a rule in weird liminal spaces.

Forgive for innaccuracies it's been a while for P3 and P4, but with that out of the way.

Tartarus is a transformation of a school, and has strict limitations on how long it is active (not unlike a school really) and not only that is made up of discretely aesthetic but also very uniform locations. The Persona Users only have their one Extra Hour to make their way through (or at least in story that should be the case) and reach their final destination.

Tartarus is, without question, one of the most confusing nosense places because of course it extends up and up and up some 300 floors (apparently) which is weird, but what's perhaps weirder, at least in context of the Persona 3-5 Series of games is that there isn't really an effect upon the users precisely. Oh to be sure it effects people, it changes them into coffins which, considering the Tower's Purpose and all makes sense. The place is all about death and that great change, and the way that persona are summoned via Evoker I suppose would explain their not being coffins. There's an awareness of death there I suppose, and so an additional awareness of this special time given.

Ok. Cool.

The Midnight Channel though, it's a world more or less made up of the endless distorting fog, which alters shape to take the form of those who fall into it's greatest fears and concerns writ large and obnoxious, seemingly in an effort to have them confront themselves. At least, in theory, once the fog lifts, but formed in such a way that almost seems tailor made to have people freak the absolute hell out.

And of course, the place it exists/accessed is a television, turned off at midnight which, frankly is a pretty strange space if you're expecting anything to show up on it, or rather expecting NOTHING to show up on it right?

Everything blown up the way that it is, it makes sense that the world is endlessly foggy, not as stable as it initially appears, and all that, but as to the persona users themselves, they're...more or less just as they are. They're granted glasses by Teddie that allow them to see better, but they are otherwise not fundamentally changed.

Which...Leads us to Mementos. A Place that is explained as not only a direct connect to the sea of the unconscious, a rather different statement from the other major locales even if they too are a direct connection, but it also...changes the persona users.

The liminal space (and this is, I think admittedly, somewhat of a stretch) is more or less just any old random place, but you, distinctly, not a part of it. Well, that's the metaverse as a whole, but Mementos itself is a train station, which tracks as far as I understand the subject. It's a place of coming going, and just an endless sea of people who you really are just kind of one of.

But...Why does it change them so much? It's explained that the form that the phantom thieves take is their form of rebellion against the world. Very literally, the manifestation of their Rebellion (Of which Their Transformed Selves are paired with their Persona's with whom they made a contract).

Alright, that tracks, it's consistent to an extent, but this raises the question of why don't we see that in the other shadow worlds? Part of that, I've said before, is Because I think the Phantom Thieves are more or less playing at their Shadows as opposed to the other Persona Teams. The Shadows that We see in Persona 4 seem to be in line with what we're seeing in the Phantom Thieves, in that they are the version of their relevant person pushed to their extremes and distorted, pushed into a state of otherness for one reason or another.

Not all of them get fancy duds of course, and certainly that's at least as much because of the circumstances of their Shadow's formation (with them being dropped into the situation fully conscious as opposed to just kinda dropped int), as well as the nature and degree of their alienation. I expect that for those who didn't quite get the full transformation, they didn't quite feel that degree of alienation that you see in everyone else that develops a Full Dramatic Shadow.

Or perhaps another way to say it is, their personal view of themselves had yet to become distorted in any major way just yet.

Now the Investigation team get's to reintegrate into the world so their degree of isolation never get's to develop but it's worth pointing out that in the case of the Thieves that...doesn't actually happen.

Without fail, they're still outcasts one and all, if now outcasts that now cling together in friendship love and understanding of their circumstances.

But...

I don't know how to phrase this, but I suppose by the line of logic that I'm following here, the Phantom Thieves never quite Cohere as a group.

Like I recall hearing some folks talking about how the games seem to kinda abandon some of the character's personal plot points in rapid succession to focus on different issues, especially seen in their social links. Like the one that immediately pops to mind is Anne and Shiho and the hot nonsense that happens to them early on. Her social link instead of dealing with that at all beyond briefly touching on it as a thing that did happen, focuses instead on her modeling career, and a degree of taking that more seriously.

Which I agree is kinda bullshit. I'd love to know more about how Haru is dealing with the fallout of her dad beyond the lightish touch it gets, or more about Yusuke's relationship with his shitty dad, or more about Makoto's relationship with her sister and her parents and the like.

See, these things aren't NOT touched on, by no means. Haru's entire social link DOES deal with the fallout of her dad's death...In relation to the Company that she now holds a massive share of and not precisely related to her personally.

But they aren't really a thing that the Thieves, as a group, actually touch on. It's not a thing that get's directly dealt with constantly in the storyline as opposed to what goes down in Sees which is damnably intimate despite their initial desires. They do after all live together, and their job has just thoroughly run in and kicked them in the teeth on every front.

Hell, despite how uh...well badly(?) but definitely at least clumsily and obnoxiously (I am assuming, for a moment it's supposed to be awkward and kinda just...not great, for effect. It probably wasn't, but it's what we got, and at the very least I think it deserves an examination in that light.) The Issues that plague the Investigation squad one and all come up constantly. Kanji's issues with masculinity/homosexuality, Naoto's problems with gender/gender roles, Yukiko's princess status, Teddies Emptiness and attempts to fill that void, etc etc. It get's played with, rather directly, it get's shouted from the mountain tops, and for all that people very definitely fuck up and say some shit (Yosuke) this stuff comes up, and frequently I think.

But not with the Phantom Thieves. They're in fact, extremely guarded with each other, despite being on the same side and all that jazz.

Which leads me to Maruki, and the True End antics.

Cause see, Maruki also get's a Rebellion outift. It's not thief themed, no, it's more a kind of messiah. Or rather, A torch bearer. Whatever his means, his objective is and always was to lead people to being happier and better versions of themselves, although It's plainly obvious that he loses sight of doing that well with the method he chooses given how it's a thing that applies the same cure to every single person when that obviously wouldn't be a good idea.

Sumire says it herself, If not for him there's a good chance that she wouldn't have lasted long enough to make friends as is. And I don't think she's wrong considering how....well absolutely fucking done she was. That was not a healthy mental state that she was in BEFORE her sister died, and it wasn't much better after.

More importantly though, is what happens during that Third Semester. With the Third Persona's that everyone gained, every single one, WITHOUT FAIL, addresses the major concerns, the major events that they've all been staunchly ignoring and refusing to talk about. Ryuji's track desires, Haru's dad pain, Morgana's still burning desire to be human, all of it.

And he fixes it, and he makes, at least for a little bit, better. And in doing so, he absolutely changes the course of their lives, let's them see the way things COULD be, actually sit down and acknowledge one more part of themselves that they want to achieve, and in doing so unmasks, without fail, literally every single one of their persona's.

Well, I say unmask, but they also obviously have face coverings still going on or a degree of inorganic/ambiguous heads and faces, but the degree of difference is stark I think between that and their second persona's or their first.

Also, at least, if you actually bother to max out the social links, and just let someone actually IN, such as it is.

But back to Maruki, it's actually rather interesting that his Metaverse Outfit arguably makes him the HARDEST to identify of everyone. Yeah it's a big golden outfit with an obnoxiously huge helmet and cloak but...

The Helmet is far more interesting to look at than the person wearing it, and even looking at his face it's only really recognizable as him if you can get a clean side view. The Outfits is bright and Golden, but is otherwise unidentfiable if someone else were to be wearing it. The Cloak further makes it harder to see anything between being huge, fluttery, and covering basically anything of note body wise (and potentially facially since it again just flutters all over) In addition to his staff/torch it's...

If we're going through the Shadow Cosplay as looking at the person in questions distorted view of themselves, It's interesting that Maruki's distortion basically does everything in it's power to make him a non entity. Which, I suppose makes sense given his ultimately goal.

#Persona 5r #Persona 3 #Persona 4 #Spoilers #sumire yoshizawa #Maruki #Ramblings

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dumbofassjoey · 4 years ago

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[TOM HOLLAND, MALE, HE/HIM] who’s that? oh it’s [JOEY HUMMEL-ANDERSON]. i hear they’re [18] and are known as [THE AIRHEAD] around [NEW YORK]. they're also a [FRESHMAN] at [NYADA], *have a voice like [BEN PLATT]* and are part of [VARSITY, SPOTLIGHT DINER]. they’re known to be [IMAGINATIVE and HONEST] and [CLUELESS and CHILDISH]. some people say they remind them of [DINOSAUR DRAWINGS ON SAT SHEETS, BLANK STARES AS YOU MAKE EYE CONTACT, PAPERS WRITTEN IN CRAYON and DAYDREAMING]. only one way to find out!

BASICS

Full Name: Joseph Hepburn Hummel-Anderson

Nickname: Joey, Jojo, Jo

Birthday: April 1st, 2024

Place of Birth: Lima, OH

Age: Eighteen

Zodiac Sign: Aries

Hometown: Lima, OH

Current Residence: NYADA dorms with Julien Schuester

Sexuality: Homosexual

Education: High School Diploma

Occupation: Student at NYADA (dance major), waiter at Spotlight Diner

HIGH SCHOOL NEED TO KNOWS

School: William McKinley High School

Former Activities: Cheerios, New Directions, Dance Team

Notable Achievements: Homecoming Prince, Senior Class President, Captain of the Dance Team

2 YEARS LATER...

Shortly after Julien told him about the dance program at NYADA, Joey quickly made sure that he was fit for that program – he wanted to get in more than anything and although his dads wanted him to go to take on the musical theater program, they supported him when Joey first confronted them about it. After doing a quick research that consisted of just scrolling through the NYADA website, Joey knew that he was doing the right thing. However, going to college was never easy to anyone – he actually had to try and pay attention to what was happening in class, he had to get some good grades and he had to work on his dancing (even if he thought it was already good, he always wanted it to be better). His junior year at McKinley ended off on a good note – the Cheerios had won a Nationals championship, the New Directions had also won and he still had his boyfriend by his side.

Joey’s senior year pretty much consisted of enjoying every last minute he had left in Lima – even though it was a pretty weird year: most of his friends were out of high school, but he still kept in touch with most of them. Even though they were far away, that didn’t stop Joey from enjoying his senior year – he ran for senior class president along with Jaz and they won, although Joey isn’t even sure how that happened, but he just ran with it. He kept being a Cheerio and he was still in New Directions, while managing to stay in a relationship with Xan throughout the year. Everything was going so well, then tragedy struck – one day after school, Joey walked in his room only to find Gil floating in his bowl. It was a tragic day, but Gil the First died of natural causes – rest in peace forever. Joey’s audition for NYADA went smoothly and a few months later, he got the letter saying that he got in.

Moving on from high school had always been something that had scared Joey ever since freshman year, but the more he thought about it, the more excited he was. All of his friends were already in New York and the ones that had graduated were going too. Xan was going to New York too, which meant that the two didn’t have to have the awkward conversation that always leads graduation. Joey moved in with Julien to one of dorms and they have been living together ever since the start of college. Joey’s first day at NYADA was pretty traumatic for him, especially since he thought he was going to be the best dancer in there, but as soon as he walked in the room, he realized that everyone was really good and that he had to work hard to be seen – which made him cry as soon as he got to his room after his first day.

Joey’s first year at NYADA has been nothing like he was expecting – while he still likes it there and he wants to keep working hard, he found himself finding it harder to fit in amongst the other dancers and people at NYADA – whether it’s because they’re better than him or because some of them can just be plain mean, Joey didn’t expect this from such a high ranked school. But, either way, he’s planning on staying and showing everyone that he can be better than them when it comes to dancing.

#crhq:intro

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hauntednightmarekitty · 4 years ago

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The monsters within (1/2)

Word count: 5,356

Trigger/content warnings: swearing, homophobia, self-harm mentions, mentions of possession, demons, child abuse, mild sexual themes, nightmares, aggressive behaviors

A/N: read the warnings, I'm not trying to offend anyone. If there's anything that I forgot or anything that I need to tag just tell me, I won't be offended.

I walked through the school doors, trying my hardest to not draw any attention to myself. That worked until a brightly colored girl bounded up to me, holding a paper out. She had bright enough colors on her to almost instantly give me a headache and her bouncy brown hair was pulled back in multiple bright butterfly clips which I'm pretty sure haven't been popular since the nineties. She's an idiot and looks like she's five.

"Hey, you're Luna, right? I'm Lillie and I'm supposed to show you around today." She extended her hand towards me and cocked her head slightly.

She's doing this to get out of class. I looked coldly at her outstretched hand then up to her face and when it became obvious that I wasn't going to shake her hand she moved to fuss with her hair clips. "So, I should probably show you to your first class. Come on, it's this way." She waved me in the direction that she was moving and shoved her hands in her oversized sweatshirt pockets. "So why'd you transfer schools?"

"I got expelled," I responded without making eye contact.

"Oh! May I ask why?"

"I punched someone out of self-defense and my principle deemed it unnecessary violence and that I was an unacceptable repeat offender." You should've broken the guy's bones. He started the fight.

"Oh? So you started a lot of fights?"

"I never started anything, but I also wouldn't let myself be kicked around."

"I guess that makes sense." She stopped in front of a door labeled 'science lab' and turned to me. "This is your first-hour chem class." She smiled at me then her eyes fell on something on my chest. "Cute necklace. Are you religious?"

My hand immediately went to my cross necklace that I never leave the house without. She's prodding. "Yeah, I am. It's one of the few things I believe in." She's gonna judge you. They all do.

"I don't like all that stuff, but it's cool that you do." She turned away from me and bounced down the hall to show me to my next class. You've already managed to make her hate you. You know that not everyone likes religion. Get ready for another school of bullies and people who hate you.

"Hey, are you ok?" She tilted her head, looking into my eyes, closer than I realized she had gotten.

I jumped back away from her, clutching my cross necklace. "Yes! I'm ok! When did you get so close?"

"I was talking to you. Did you not hear me?"

"I didn't!" She thinks you're weird now. She'll hate you.

"Oh, well come on." She motioned me down the hall again and this time I stayed right on her heels. I looked back at the science classroom once more and as I did I saw him standing in the window. The shadowy figure that's been following me around for years. The figure with the bleeding red eyes. The figure that I only know as Mr. Poe. He waved at me, lit up from behind by the lights. A smile graced his blurry face and I knew that it would be in my nightmares tonight. I knew you'd fail so quickly. I knew that they would all hate you. His voice resonated through my head and all I could manage was a small head shake. You're going to get expelled again and it's going to be your fault. No. No! I promised daddy that I'd do better this time. I'll do better this time. You're a failure and a disgrace. You don't deserve all that you get. You deserve to suffer like the-

"Luna?" Lillie grabbed my arm, pulling my attention to her. I pulled away immediately, glancing back to where I saw Mr. Poe, but he was gone.

"Don't-" I huffed out, "don't touch me."

"Ok, we should be getting to your next class. I wanna get through your morning classes before lunch."

"Yeah… yeah ok. I'm coming. I just got distracted, I'm sorry, it won't happen again."

"You're probably just overwhelmed. I get it." She turned heading down the hall once again.

Mr. Poe was quiet the rest of the tour, only an incomprehensible whispering at the back of my mind instead of a ferocious screaming in my ear. He also only appeared occasionally in my periphery.

After Lillie showed me my first few classes she led me to the lunchroom and brought me through the lunch line. After we sat down a girl with bleach-damaged hair and a fake tan came over and knocked Lillie's tray into her lap.

"Oops, sorry, Lillith. I was just too distracted by your gaudy outfit to realize where I was going. I hope you understand, honey," she said in a sickeningly sweet voice.

Punch her. Beat her. Eat her. She deserves to be punished.

"It's whatever, Brittany," Lillie mumbled.

Punish her. That carelessness deserves punishment. But it's not my place to punish her. Lillith should. It's her place. Tell her she should. She's letting them walk all over her. It's not my place, Mr. Poe.

"Well, I have to get going before your clothes burn my retinas. I hope you understand." The girl with the fake tan walked away to sit with a group of equally fake girls.

Bitch.

Lillie stood, wiping her face. "I should probably go clean up. Here's your schedule," she handed me a piece of paper then left before I was able to say anything.

I didn't see her again for the rest of the day and I was left to fend for myself and figure out where each class was.

When I had gone home I went straight to my room, not letting any of my younger siblings ask any questions or talk to me, and they all knew to leave me alone.

That next day my dad drove me to school and when I got there Lillie met me at my locker with a smile on her face.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," she said, chipper as ever. "By the time I had finished cleaning up, lunch was out and I couldn't find you anywhere. I hope there are no hard feelings."

She had your schedule, she was just trying to get away from you. "Didn't you have my schedule?" I asked, not even looking at her.

"No, I gave it to you, silly. I just wanted to know if you wanted to sit with me at lunch and I can walk you to your first class."

"I'm good. I don't need your pity, I can make it to my first class by myself, and honestly, I would prefer not to sit with you."

"That's fine, it's not a big deal for me."

Why isn't she listening to you? "I told you that I am fine."

"My class is just next door to yours."

"Fine, whatever. You can walk with me." You're weak to give in like that. What did you want me to do? She wasn't going to take no for an answer.

Lillie squealed, looking very pleased, and walked with me to my first class, talking my ear off the whole time about things that I could not recall if I tried.

I managed to eat lunch mostly by myself by sitting in an empty classroom. I'll never totally be by myself since Mr. Poe is always with me, but it's a start to not have any humans in my presence. I looked towards the chair next to me and saw him sitting there, his head, or rather where his head would be, on the desk in front of him. His sharp teeth showed just barely as he smirked.

So, do you have something you want to tell me?

I have no idea what you're going on about.

You would never give in like that. There must be something about this Lillith character that appeals to you.

She's just relentless. Doesn't take no for an answer. She would've just kept badgering me if I hadn't agreed to her walking me to my next class.

Homosexuality is a sin and you know it.

You're right.

She's just pitying you. She feels bad for you. She doesn't actually like you.

You're not telling me anything that I don't know, Mr. Poe.

A boy walked in before Mr. Poe could say anything more and when I looked over at him he was gone. The boy looked at me with hazel eyes, his auburn hair was pulled back from his face with a spider clip and he wore an orange sweater and black skinny jeans. He reminded me of the pumpkins that my siblings carved last night in preparation for Halloween.

"What are you doing hiding here?" He asked, sliding into the chair previously occupied by Mr. Poe.

"I could ask you the same thing," I replied.

"The lunchroom is too loud. Your turn to share now."

"I like to be alone with my thoughts."

"Sounds boring."

"Not when you have as many thoughts as I do." I looked towards the corner where I could feel Mr. Poe's presence and he stood there, still smirking.

The boy looked towards where I was looking but just became confused. "What're you looking at?"

"Nothing, my mind just wanders."

"So, what's your name?"

"Luna. And yours?"

"Taylor. Nice to meet you, Luna."

"Likewise."

Now that's a homosexual if I've ever seen one. Hush, Mr. Poe.

Taylor glanced at the clock, then stood. "We should probably start heading to class. Lunch ends in thirty seconds."

When I got home after school my siblings all crowded around me asking questions about school. In my family, father doesn't let the little kids go to school until they're in ninth grade, which causes the kids who are still homeschooled to be curious about the older kids' school days.

I eventually managed to make my way to my room and close myself in, but the second I did my little brother, Thomas, walked in and sat next to me on my bed.

"How was school today?" He asked.

"Not great, Tommy, Mr. Poe has been especially active today. He was enjoying making fun of me all day."

"Your demon friend?"

"He's not exactly my friend. It's not like I want him there, he just stays."

"Why was he bothering you?"

"Because it's his job."

"Why does he follow you?"

"Who knows. It could be anything." You know exactly why I follow you. You failed. You deserve to be tortured.

"Does he hurt you?"

"No honey. He's never touched me. Now go play with the others, you shouldn't have to worry about me."

"Ok, Luna." He got up and left, glancing over his shoulder once before he completely left the room.

When I walked into school, Lillith instantly grabbed my arm and led me into an empty classroom. I opened my mouth to try and ask what she was doing, but she pressed a finger to my lips, a smile playing across her own.

"Is this ok?" She asked, her mouth impossibly close to mine.

All I could manage was a weak nod and her lips pressed against mine, feeling so impossibly good. Tasting so impossibly good. It was so wrong, but I couldn't refuse this. After a moment my body relaxed against her own and she lifted me, setting me on a desk.

Father would be so disappointed in me if he found out and mother would be beside herself, but that couldn't make me stop. I was for once living in the moment and loving every moment of it.

Lillie's lips grazed across my jaw and she tilted my head to the side, her hand gripping my head to keep it there while her other hand snaked up my skirt to hook onto the waistband of my tights.

A low whine escaped from my throat and a smirk formed on Lillie's perfect lips.

"Do you like that?" She whispered into my ear, beginning to pull my tights down further. I nodded a little, burying my face in her neck and she giggled against my hair. "You know that you'll be sent to hell for this." Her gentle hands turned painful and she pulled my hair causing me to be forced to look her in the eyes. Her eyes were blood red, bleeding, reminding me heavily of Mr. Poe's.

"Why do you submit to something that you know is wrong? Something that you know will doom you. Something that you know your family would be disappointed in."

"I- I don't know!" I said.

"Your father would hate you for this!" She said, her voice slowly but surely distorting.

"I know he would!"

"Then why would you do it?"

I woke up in my bed in a cold sweat, the sounds of my older sister asleep filling the room. I looked around to find nothing out of the ordinary. You dreamed about her. It means nothing. I swung my legs over the edge of my bed, bare feet hitting the cold wood of my floor. But you didn't just dream of her. You dreamed of kissing her. I did, but dreams are random. I stood, pulling on a pair of tennis shoes and grabbing my fuzzy coat. You dreamed of her dominating you.

I pulled open the front door graced with the cool night air. I stepped out, heading towards the worn path into the woods around my house. You want her. That's a sin. I would never. You want her to kiss you and touch you. I don't. You're going to hell for these thoughts. It was a harmless dream. You're going to hell and it'll be your fault. I won't. I'm not. It was just a dream.

A cool breeze blew past me, blowing my hair away from my face and sending a chill down to my bones. I pulled my hood up, apparently finally satiating Mr. Poe for the time being. The first time Mr. Poe had reached out to me was when I was six. Mom had punished me for lying to her about finishing my veggies. I was in my room, sad and pained when Mr. Poe came up to me and told me that he could help me.

He seemed like a friend at first. He played with me and helped me to feel better when I was sad. But what had seemed like the perfect friendship quickly turned into a nightmare. He started heckling me and pointing out my mistakes. My flaws. He was yelling at me. Pointing out people who hate me, calling me names, making me feel worthless. He's the reason why I was so angry, he pushed me to finish fights. He tells me it's because I'm a bad person that has bad desires and over the years I've grown to believe him.

These feelings are unnatural. He was walking beside me now, a blur just a few feet away. His blood-red eyes are the only thing standing out. I know that these feelings weren't ones that I should pursue. I know that these feelings are ones that I should repress. I don't know why they were bubbling to the surface tonight, but I wish that they'd just leave me alone. So you finally admit that this might be something more. You're a demon, aren't you? Smart girl. Then why are you trying to keep me on the straight and narrow? Why not try to convince me to go for Lillie? Because, my sweet girl, I don't care what you do. You could walk the straight and narrow or you could sin your little life away, but either way, I'm going to find some way to torture you. I thought you would've understood that by now, but I guess you sin too much to realize that I'd hurt you either way.

The wind blew my hood down, causing my hair to flutter in the breeze. He would hurt me no matter what. He doesn't care if I'm good or evil he just cares about hurting me.

Now you're getting it, my little moon child.

I turn and dash towards the house, trying to outrun him even though I know it's useless. He'll follow me forever.

Lillith meets me at my locker the next morning as usual. Her demeanor was even more excited than normal, and she was practically bouncing on her toes.

"Luna," she squealed, "you transferred at the perfect time! The Halloween festivities are next week and you should go with me!"

"Why would I want to go with you?" I asked.

"Because it'll be fun!"

"I seriously doubt that it'll be any fun."

"Please, Luna. I would love you for it."

"Fine. I'll consider going with you."

"Thank you!" She bounced on her toes and practically lunged towards me to pull me into an uncomfortable hug.

"Please let me go! I don't appreciate this physical contact!"

She pulled away, still smiling. "I'm sorry, I just got excited."

You're actually considering it. I'm not. Besides, father would never let me go. Just lie to him then.

"We should probably get to class." Lillie gently pulled on my sleeve.

"Yeah, I'm coming." I closed my locker, following her down the hall.

You would never consider this any other time. I'm not considering it. I just said that to get her off my back. Doubtful.

Lunch came around and I retreated down to the practice rooms to attempt to get away from everyone. The practice room I had chosen to hide in just happened to have a piano. Father made me learn how to play the piano in elementary school to try to distract me from Mr. Poe. It didn't work. And he didn't want me playing with and corrupting the younger kids. It just makes them more curious. Your dad is an idiot and you know it.

I sat on the bench, gingerly lifting the cover off the keys. I spent many hours in front of the piano during my childhood. It did help distract me, but only while I'm playing. Only while I had an outlet. Nonetheless, it was something that I loved that I did often. My fingers trailed across the cold ivory keys. I'm sure there were so many before me that have used this piano, and so many people after me will use it.

I started to play a simple melody, one I learned so many years ago. The keys felt familiar under my fingers and my mind went to its happy place; finally forgetting about everything and everyone. I slowly made the melody more and more intricate and complex, building it up more and more.

I was right at the biggest part when someone grabbed my shoulder and I jumped out of my seat, screaming.

"Oh my god," Lillith said and grabbed my arm. "I didn't mean to spook you like that. I thought you heard me come in."

"Well, obviously I didn't!"

"Well, I'm really sorry."

"Whatever." I smoothed my hair down and fixed my blouse before I turned back to the piano and rested my fingers on the keys. "What exactly do you want, Lillie."

"Oh, I just had to give a note to the choir teacher, so I decided to do it during my lunch and when I came down here I heard someone playing the piano." A blush dusted her cheeks. "So I decided to peek in to see who it was and when I saw it was you I wanted to say hi."

"Hi," I said, sarcasm dripped off my lips. "Can you leave now?"

"What were you playing? I don't see any sheet music."

"It was something that I just created. I wasn't looking at music."

"Wait, so you're telling me that you just came up with that on the spot." I nodded a little. "Oh my god! That's so cool! You're so cool!"

"I'm not that cool." I repositioned myself on the bench, a hand instinctively went to the back of my neck.

"Don't belittle yourself."

"I'm really good at undermining myself. Nothing you say will be able to stop that." We both know that you're lying to her.

"Are you sure that I can't convince you?"

"Yes. Yes, I'm sure. Now leave me alone."

She bit her lip and took a step towards the door. "I should probably go find the choir teacher anyway." She rolled her shoulders, and lifted her head, dispelling any sense of the disappointment that she surely felt. "See you tomorrow?"

"I'm sure you'll meet me at my locker."

"I'll take that as an invitation!" She turned to leave.

"Don't-" but she left before I could say anymore and I was left to just smile and shake my head.

Why are you smiling? Shut up.

"Good day?"

I jumped at the sound of his voice and looked back to see Taylor standing in the corner near the door.

"When did you come in?" I asked as I faced the piano again.

"When Lillith left, I snuck by her."

"I didn't hear her greet you."

"She doesn't particularly like me."

"What do you mean?" I turned towards him. He was looking out the window on the door. "She likes everyone, doesn't she."

"Not me." He still wasn't looking at me.

"What'd you do to her?"

"I swear I didn't do anything." He raised his hands and finally looked at me.

"Why should I believe you?"

"Because I wouldn't lie to you, Luna. You're cool and I've never had a friend like you. I wouldn't screw this up by lying to you."

"I still have no reason to believe you."

"How about trust?"

"Trust is to be earned."

"How do I earn it if you won't trust me?"

"I do not know. I guess you have to figure it out if you sincerely want my trust."

"I guess you're-" Taylor stopped mid-sentence and his face went ghastly pale. He lifted a shaky finger towards the opposite corner and said: "Luna, what the fuck is that?"

I look over to where he's pointing and see Mr. Poe with a confused expression on his almost featureless face. He sees me. How does he see me? He shouldn't be able to see me. I'm your demon, not his.

"You see Mr. Poe?" I asked.

"That fucker has a name?"

"Yeah, he's been following me since I was six years old."

"What is it?"

"He says he's a demon. He used to be super nice to me, but as of late he's been more aggressive than normal." I am not aggressive to you. You said that you want to torture me. I don't physically injure you, therefore I'm not aggressive. The mental injury still sucks. You suck.

"You have a demon following you around?"

"Basically. Nobody else can see him though."

The bell rang which signaled the end of lunch. Taylor gave Mr. Poe one last look, and Mr. Poe emitted a low growl which scared Taylor off and he left the room without another word.

After I got home Tommy came up to me and pulled on my sleeve as he tried to get my attention. I crouched down to him and he looked me in the eye.

"Why'd you leave in the middle of the night last night?" He asked, never scared of confrontation.

"You saw that?"

He nodded, still giving me no room for escape.

"Because I had a nightmare, which unsettled Mr. Poe, so I took a walk to clear my head and to calm Mr. Poe down."

"Did your demon see your nightmare?"

"Yeah, he knows everything that goes on in my head. It's kind of unnerving."

"Luna May!" My mom scolded, holding her wooden spoon tightly. "What did I tell you about discussing your demons with the little kids?" She walked closer and Tommy fled at the sight of her. "I don't want you corrupting them. They're too young."

"I wasn't corrupting him, mother." You know that talking about me is against the rules. "He had a question, so I answered it." You always break the rules, you failure. "I didn't want him to worry about me." You deserve the punishment that's coming. "Please don't hurt me."

"ENOUGH!" Mother yelled as she struck me across the face. "Begging is prohibited and you know it." I held my cheek and looked at her, betrayal evident in my eyes. She struck me across the other cheek then turned to leave. "Go to bed without supper tonight."

"But mother-"

"That is an order. Unless you want worse."

"Yes mother."

I silently passed Tommy - who was hiding behind the corner - and went into my room where I'd be spending the rest of the night.

The next morning Lillith met me at my locker as always. She heard my stomach grumbling and offered me a muffin from her breakfast which I happily took.

"So," she said as I scarfed down the muffin, "have you decided whether you're going to go to the Halloween festival with me?"

"It's been a day since you asked." She's asking out of pity anyway.

"Oh come on, it would be so much fun."

"I just don't know."

"It would make me so happy, Luna. Please just this one time."

"Fine, I will go with you."

"Yay!" Lillith exclaimed whilst hugging me. "You don't understand how much this means to me! Thank you so much!"

"Okay! Okay! Enough with the hugging." I pushed her off of me, but that dopey grin remained on her face. "I get that you're happy, but there are other ways of showing it."

"I'm sorry, I just got excited. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"Whatever… we should be getting to class, the bell will ring soon."

Lillith walked with me to class like always, and the dopey grin had never left her face.

As I waited for my father after school I had just happened to wander behind the school out of boredom. I was examining the trees when I heard the back door open, so I quickly hid behind the tree that I was previously examining.

"Why don't you just leave me alone?" Lillith's voice flitted up towards me.

"Why don't you make me?" A masculine voice responded.

I peeked around the tree and saw Lillith on her knees in front of a boy, two other boys holding her arms to keep her from fighting back. Her head was bowed as she kept from looking into his eyes.

She didn't say anything in response to him and he spit in her face. "Do something about it, freak!"

She shook her head, as tears welled in her eyes and the boy just pushed her down before motioning his minions back into the school with him. "It's not fun if you don't fight back, dyke."

Once she was alone Lillith let out a sob and sat up. She wiped her eyes on her sleeve and after she took a second to let her tears stop before she pulled a pocket knife out of her pocket. She flipped it open and examined it a minute, then she pulled up her sleeve revealing lines of cuts marking her whole arm. She pressed the knife to her skin causing a little blood to bead to the surface, but before she was able to cut any deeper her phone rang and she answered it with no hesitation.

"Hey, mom," she said, her voice cheerful once more. "Yeah, I'll be out front… yeah I did… love you too, mom."

She looked down at her knife, wiping the blood off of the edge with her fingers then pocketed it once more. She glanced around then walked around the school to, presumably, meet up with her mom.

You just watched her. It wasn't my place to step in. You were just going to let her hurt herself. She would've been embarrassed if she knew I were here. She was in distress and you did nothing. Her life isn't mine to live. She can make her own decisions.

I waited to make sure that she was gone then walked around the school myself to meet father. If I keep him waiting too long I'll get in trouble.

The next morning, Taylor cornered me in a classroom, his face a mask of contentment. My back hit the wall and I had nowhere to escape to. Nowhere I could run. I was stuck to face Taylor in all of his angry glory. He got closer and he pressed his body against mine, making sure I could go nowhere.

"You would seriously choose her over me?" He yelled right in my face.

"What are you talking about? Who would I choose over you?"

"Lillith. You'd rather hang out with her than me." His fingers gripped my shoulder and inflicted pain as they got tighter.

"You never asked me to hang out. How was I supposed to know that you wanted to?"

"You never asked." His face got closer to mine and tilted a little. "It doesn't matter anymore, I'll just take what I want." His lips hit mine as one of his hands made its way to my hair. The hand in my hair pulled to keep my head in place.

I pressed a foot to his stomach and tried to create some space between us, but he just pressed in further and trapped my leg between us.

I woke up in a cold sweat; my hands clutched my blankets nearly ripping them and my sister slept just feet away. Do you not trust Taylor? It was just a dream. We've been over this before. Because you shouldn't. I pulled on my shoes. You barely know him. I grabbed my coat off its hook. He could be anyone. I pulled my coat on over my pajamas. He could be out to hurt you. I opened the outside door and stepped into the cool night air. I took a deep breath in an attempt to try to settle myself and Mr. Poe.

It worked to some extent, Mr. Poe backed off and quit trying to freak me out about Taylor, but I could still feel his presence at the back of my mind.

I took my normal trail. The one that I always took after a particularly bad nightmare. I managed to make it pretty far into the woods before I saw Taylor crouched down to look at a flower.

"Taylor?" I asked and rubbed my eyes.

"Luna!" He smiled as he pulled me into a hug. "What're you doing out here?"

"I was just going for a walk. I couldn't sleep. What about you? I've never seen you around here before."

"I have a lot of trouble sleeping, so I enjoy exploring at night. Everything else is peaceful and the woods are so pretty."

"Oh, the cool air just clears my head." Nobody comes around here. Is he stalking you?

"I decided to take a new route today and I guess it just happened to be the one that you take. Isn't that ironic?"

"Are you following me?"

"I would never. I can't believe you think so little of me."

"Well, our house is kinda isolated from town and it's a distance to walk, so it's just hard to believe that you just stumbled upon these woods without previously knowing where they are."

"Luna!" I turned towards the voice calling my name and saw my older sister, Victoria, running towards me. "What're you doing out here? Who were you talking to?" Her breath clouded in front of her. She had her hands shoved in her pockets and was shivering.

"I was talking to Taylor." I looked over to where Taylor was, but he was no longer there. "I swear he was right here."

"Let's get you inside." Victoria slid an arm around my shoulders and pulled me into her side. "It's cold out, I don't want you catching a cold or anything."

I allowed Victoria to walk me home and tuck me back into bed. It makes her feel better to take care of me, so I let her. Keep telling yourself that.

#tw swearing #tw homophobia #tw sex mention #tw sex assault #tw child abuse #tw demons #tw possession #tw self harm #tw cutting mention #tw nightmares #tw night terrors #haunted writes #lgbtq+#lgbtq characters #i believe I got everything #message me if there's anything I misses #tw long post

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bopphackslife · 5 years ago

Text

A Few Thoughts on Toxic Masculinity

I was called a faggot in 6th grade because I had my ears pierced. It was an 8th grader named Charlie who would occasionally bully me throughout middle school and high school. He’d mostly insult me, but there was one time he was in my gym class for some reason when I was in 9th or 10th grade and he forced my head down between my legs while I was standing up and pulled my arm behind my back. My form of mental resiliency during this incident was to question his own masculinity and self-worth in a sarcastic tone as he physically assaulted me. I asked, “Wow, you must feel like such a man right now, huh?” and said things like, “You’re such a cool guy. Good job. I bet you feel really tough right now.” This is the same guy who, in high school, started a fight club at Pinkerton Park, filmed it, and put it on Myspace. Where is this guy now? Well, he did a bunch of psychedelics, wears t-shirts with Alex Gray paintings on them, has dreadlocks, and owns his own farm. I remember there was a time after high school when I was hanging out with my friend McKinley and he wanted to go over to Charlie’s house. Charlie was renting a trailer with his pregnant girlfriend at the time and had ascended to his alter-Phish persona at this point. I remember seeing him and talking to him. I mentioned that we knew each other from middle school and high school and he didn’t remember me. He told me he didn’t remember a lot from that time. I remember after talking and being polite for awhile that I eventually said to him that he had been an asshole to me in high school. He said he didn’t remember that either. I don’t remember if he apologized or not, but even if he did, would it matter? Does an apology count if the person doesn’t even know why they’re apologizing? Here’s what I would have liked him to have said: “I’m really sorry I was so mean to you in middle school and high school. I didn’t even know you and you didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry for calling you a faggot and making fun of you. I’m sorry I held your arm behind your back and pushed your face between your legs. That was wrong of me.” There are many other instances where I was bullied by other hyper-masculine guys in high school. It was usually your stereotypical jock meathead who would talk shit to me, but then also try to copy my homework. I’d usually take the anger that boiled inside of me and release it through music or playing paintball. But I’d also sometimes displace on kids who were easy for me to pick on or make fun of. It created this persona I’d sometimes slip into in order to regain my own sense of self-control or power. I’d put on a tough exterior in order to shutdown being made fun of for how I dressed or looked. Eventually, I found my way to writing poetry and stopped the need for displacement. It also helped that I had tons of friends at my school, other schools, and in my paintball community. The bullying was traumatizing for me, but I at least was able to move on from it without receding into isolation or suicidality. I remember these three sophomores surrounded me in the parking lot when I was a freshman after I had just gotten on my motorcycle. Rather than engage them, I said, “I’m not doing this,” quickly started up my motorcycle, and got out of the situation. They were just beginning to intimidate me and who knows what they would have tried to do. They’d either just verbally assault me for a long time, potentially physically assault me, or try to get me to fight back so that they would feel okay about beating me up. Of course, all three were the stereotypical jock alpha male types. I think at this point in my life, I just feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for the fact that they bought into this gender programming. I’m sure they had dads who were asshole misogynists who taught them this was acceptable behavior; that this was how you proved you were a man. Toxic masculinity is this idea that anything that’s deemed feminine, related to emotions or feelings, homosexuality, or breaks stereotypical male gender norms is wrong. It’s wrong to show your emotions; it’s wrong to cry; it’s wrong to wear bright colors; it’s wrong to have long hair; it’s a threat to another man to tell him you’re hurting because that’s gay; it’s gay to have feelings; you’re a woman if you cry. We teach boys from an early age that it’s wrong to be a female or have traits associated with being a female. Yet, at the same time, we teach boys to attract as many females as they can. Why? For sexual gratification or to complete tasks we don’t want to. Women work in the kitchen. Women clean the house. Women do the dishes. So on and so forth. The best way to smash the patriarchy is to start teaching boys it’s okay to feel and show their emotions, it’s okay to cry, and that there are no narrowly defined parameters for what it means to be a man. Boys and men are taught that aggression and violence are the only ways to handle conflict. Whether it be cursing someone out, fighting, or intimidating others into subservience, there’s no room for looking “weak”. Vulnerability and communication are the antithesis to a manly identity. “You don’t want to be a “beta male” do you? Women won’t want to fuck you and men will walk all over you. If you can’t assert yourself, you’re nothing more than a little pussy.” This is the mentality fostered behind maintaining this semblance of manhood, dominance, and power. If you’re powerful, people respect you. The only way to be respected is to gain this power, which means being better than other men in physical activities, getting more women, being able to drink more/do more drugs, and protecting this identity if it’s threatened by another man. And if all boys are taught this, it just perpetuates this constant fighting; constant defensiveness; constant war. FIGHT. FUCK. WIN. The toxic masculinity mantra. Honestly, there’s so much more to be said on this subject. There’s so much to unpack with toxic masculinity that I’d have to sit down and write a book to even scratch the surface of it all. As a future mental health counselor, I want to work with young and adolescent boys to deprogram this idea that they need to fulfill this misogynistic role in order to be respected. I want to show them a compassion and male tenderness that breaks them out of this social conditioning early so that they can fully actualize an authentic representation of themselves as men. One that shows strength through compassion, understanding, communication, and respect of others. We need to start teaching our boys emotional intelligence as soon as possible. Then, and only then, can we begin to shape the harmonious society we all are seeking.

#writing #toxic masculinity #mental health #mens mental health #toxic #mens issues

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lcngview · 5 years ago

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✈️ — ⌜park jimin, cismale, cis male⌟ ↝ have you heard ? it seems like the heir of the HAE was very close to Liam Yu too. they go by ISAAC and they were Liam's MUSE. their network is of 87M and they’re only TWENTY FOUR … what a burden it must be. i heard they can be very ENERGETIC and LIGHT-HEARTED but these last few months, their RESTLESS and EMOTIONAL personality has been showing more. the media is sure having a filled day with them! i hope this road trip with friends will help them. did you know that LATE NIGHTS AT THE DANCE STUDIO, NEW TATTOOS THAT HIS PARENTS CAN’T SEE, A GRILLED CHEESE WITH TRUFFLE OIL AND HANGING OUT WITH THE FAMILY DOG DURING DINNER PARTIES really show their true persona ? maybe Liam was the only one who knew that.

hello my darlings!! i’m lis and this is my cinnamon roll isaac. he’s a old muse of mine that i’ve decided to repurpose so there’s still some random holes in his backstory i still have to figure out so pls excuse me. i’m kind of a hot mess all the time honestly but ily all already and im v excited to start writing with you! you can find me on discord ( *𝙡𝙞𝙨.#2158 ) or we can just chat on tumblr <3

oh also you can find isaac’s pinterest here! its not totally finished but u know.

basics.

name: isaac hae gender: cis male. age: twenty-four ( 24 ) sexuality: homosexual. birthday: december 14th. zodiac: sagittarius hometown: new york, ny.

physical.

faceclaim: park jimin. hair: naturally black, currently dyed and styled like this. eyes: brown. build: despite his small stature he has an athletic build with strong legs from dancing.

tattoos: [he has a few artsy ones mostly on his back and ribs where his parents can’t see them but i'm too lazy to list them rn, i’ll get to it eventually jfkjsbjk] height: 5′7″

languages: english, korean

+ traits: energetic, light-hearted - traits: restless, emotional

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bio.

↳ isaac hae was born and raised in new york ctiy as the only child to two real estate developers turned luxury hotel owners in december 1996.

↳ his parents weren’t around much when he was growing up so he was raised mostly by the families butler Simon; as a result, isaac isn’t really all that close to his parents. to this day, despite having lived on his own for the past 6 years he still makes it a point to go to the family estate to see Simon when he can.

↳ isaac was around five when his parents began enrolling him in various afterschool activities; soccer, piano, tennis, archery, but he knew he had no interest in doing any of those things. he wanted to dance. after a few months of begging his mother gave in and enrolled him in a contemporary dance school. while his father was never silent about his dislike for his only son being interested in dance isaac never really cared, he barely saw his dad anyways.

↳ it didn’t take long after he started dancing for his teacher to notice his natural talent and isaac quickly became the most skilled dancer in his year, the competition trophies and metals quickly filling up the bookshelf in his bedroom.

↳ when isaac was around twelve his mom was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer almost out of the blue. this dropped a bomb on his relatively normal life up until that point. the next nine months were spent in and out of hospitals as his mom got treatment from the best doctors in the world. despite the fact that he was never all that close to her the fact that she was sick and not getting better made him rethink their relationship, she was his mom after all.

↳ after his mom passed isaac spent the next few years throwing himself into dance more than usual while the relationship with his father quickly deteriorated. the only time his father made it a point to talk to his son was to ask about school and how the college search was going, only interested in the future reputation of the company his son would take over.

↳ isaac eventually graduated high school and ran off to college, wanting to escape being under his father's thumb as quickly as possible. this was where he met liam. the older boy had wandered into the dance studio one day while isaac practiced for an upcoming showcase asking if he could watch and while he was confused at first he eventually agreed.

↳ the first few times all liam did was sit in the corner and watch isaac while he practiced, only asking a few questions but not really speaking much beyond a greeting and saying goodbye. by the third or fourth time liam showed up at the studio he didn’t come empty-handed like normal, instead he had a sketchbook which he had immediately opened once isaac started dancing.

↳ it wasn’t until a few weeks had passed that isaac learned what liam had been doing, why he had continued coming to the studio even after that first time and was now sketching him. he had been painting isaac... and not just once either. after some coaxing liam eventually showed isaac the paintings.

↳ it was from that point on that liam and isaac developed an interesting relationship, anytime the older boy was feeling particularly uninspired he would come watch the younger one dance. isaac wasn’t totally sure what it was about his dancing that inspired liam but he didn’t ask, genuinely enjoying the company as he was usually alone in the studio at night. eventually the two became actual friends, keeping in touch even after liam had graduated.

↳ the next few years isaac spent dancing and working towards his business degree (to appease his father and the board of directors) before eventually graduating and moving into one of the penthouse apartments owned by his father's company in downtown new york city.

↳ despite being in the same city as liam (most of the time), with their crazy schedules it was difficult to see each other as often as either one of them would have liked. but liam still made a point to come to the studio to watch him dance when he had time.

↳ currently isaac works for his dad and dances at a nearby studio whenever he’s not at work.

tldr; isaac is just a dancing cinnamon with some parental issues spurring from his moms death and father just not being around.

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personality.

isaac can be a sassy little shit when he wants to be, typically always joking around and always in a good mood. it’s very rare to see this boy have an off day. despite this isaac has the most insane worth ethic which is why he is either practicing at the studio or working, rarely letting himself have any sort of off time (he prefers it this way tbh). at the end of the day isaac is really just a giant ball of sunshine wrapped up in a cinnamon roll. all he wants is to be your friend and make sure you feel loved. (he doesn’t always save a lot of that love for himself though asfjhg)

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headcanons.

↳ third generation korean-american, his grandparents moved to the states in the early 1960′s.

↳ despite being comfortable with his sexuality he hasn’t totally come out of the closet to his family and doesn’t see that happening anytime soon. outside of his friends, he tries to keep his sexual preferences on the down-low, not wanting the media to get wind of it.

↳ is NOT a morning person, never was and probably never will be. the only time isaac doesn’t have his sunshine personality on full display is in the first couple hours after he wakes up so he makes it a point to avoid everyone until he feels more like himself.

↳ isaac is absolutely terrible about his phone. it’s always dead or broken (despite being able to buy a brand new one) and he almost prefers it that way. this boy always has at least 17 unread texts and 9 missed calls at all times. if you are trying to get in contact with him it’s best to just give up.

↳ while in college he did his best to keep his family's wealth a secret, not wanting people to look at him differently just because he had a large trust fund waiting for him.

↳ it wasn’t until a couple years ago that isaac realized he had a crush on liam and it scared the crap out of him. almost immediately after he came to the realization he knew liam could never find out and shoved the feelings deep down. isaac valued their friendship too much to ruin it but now kind of regrets not saying anything now.

↳ the duality this boy possesses is almost comical. day to day he is just isaac, the ball of sunshine and happiness most people know him to be but the moment he steps into that dance studio he turns into a different person. he becomes the type of person you probably wouldn’t want to bring home to your parents. isaac can turn this side of him on and off like a switch though most of the time he doesn’t realize that he is even doing it in the first place.

#mytime; intro #* ♡ ˙ ˖ ✧ — ⧼ 𝚒𝚜𝚊𝚊𝚌 𝚑𝚊𝚎 ⧽ ⋰ * ✧ intro.#this is almost obnoxiously long #and honestly kinda terrible #so if u make it through i'm v proud

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bearsfakedthemoonlanding · 4 years ago

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Family Stuff

[CW: family turmoil, drug mention, alcohol mention, talk about what could go wrong when i come out, transphobia later on when I start talking about my dad]

I don’t know if my accidental gap year was beneficial or detrimental for all of this. On one hand, it was absolute hell on my mental health. A real bad year, for sure. Lots of exhaustion and panicky feelings and drinking and the classic family “picking up the pieces after my grandmother loses her shit and my mom starts to fall apart” game. Started taking anti-anxiety meds and relying on them pretty heavily (which isn’t by itself a bad thing, but as someone who has now shown he can function really damn well without them, a little concerning).

Then again, I got really close to my parents. Not in quick bursts, like I started to during college breaks when I returned home, but functionally. For over a year we were living with each other and interacting on an adult level, not a high school level. It was nice.

My mom and I always had a pretty close relationship, besides the few month spat immediately after my coming out. But the gap year really gave me the chance to get close to my dad again in a way I haven’t felt much since before puberty.

It was nice. I grew much closer with my maternal grandparents (grandfather and step-grandmother, grandmother on that side is a wound that I’m not sure is ever going to scab over properly). I got to know my little cousin, and felt less like an alien around my aunts and uncles on my father’s side. Really started to feel like a grown up.

I like the connections I made there. I like feeling something a bit deeper than “well, we’re Related,” y’know? I also earned myself a bit of merit by how I behaved while there. I was working two jobs and keeping constantly busy, doing a lot of farm work for my dad. I earned a good bit of respect for not being a bum.

And now I’ve moved out, and almost immediately started transitioning. I don’t know if the connections I made are strong enough to survive this. Am I putting everything in jeopardy? Obviously what matters here is personal happiness. We live in an individualistic society, and I’m certain that these are the choices that feel most comfortable. I won’t be uncomfortable for the sake of my family, not in regards to this. This is mine. In a perfect world, they’d support me.

When I was a young gay teen and everything had started going to hell around me (myself included), and then further when I was a young gay adult in college far far away from my family, I was convinced there would be some Grand moment. Some big blow up. The Fight I’d been waiting for.

My mother didn’t let me come out verbally to everyone. She couldn’t really control what I did with my hair or clothes anymore, couldn’t curb my behavior when I only saw her three months out of the year. But the fact that I was gone so much made it harder to do anything rash. If I came home for Christmas, and I came out, and then I left, it wasn’t my problem to deal with. It was hers. I couldn’t do that to her.

But homosexuality (or, as it would be, bisexuality), was something that could be tucked away. I could date and explore and it could all be a careful little secret. I figured the big blow would come when I married, when I invited my entire family and nobody showed. I’ve been making peace with that.

But this. This isn’t some secret. There’s plausible deniability in a gender non-conforming kid who never brings home a boyfriend and acts a little off. “She’s so quirky.” You know.

There’s no plausible deniability in a deepened voice and different shaped body and facial hair. There’s no plausible deniability in becoming a man.

Maybe it won’t be fast. Maybe it won’t be immediate. I was a late bloomer anyways, I don’t know what my testosterone timeline will look like. But I know the changes are coming, and when I start looking the way I want, it’ll be strange to still use those words. Niece. Daughter. Girl. My birthname can stay, I don’t mind, but she/her? It’ll finally make everyone else as uncomfortable with it as I’ve felt for a long time.

There’ll be no more plausible deniability.

What will the extended family think? Will they tut and be disturbed but polite (passive aggressive), or will they ban me outright? “Don’t tell IT when family christmas is.” Motherfucker it’s on Christmas. It’s always on Christmas, aunt Carol, what the fuck?

More concerning, what will my father think?

I think my mother and I will survive this. It’ll hardly be the first time I’ve surprised and disturbed her. I’m her only child, and I’ve always been a terrible handful. My entire childhood I was too emotional, too sensitive, I was constantly sick, I was rough-and-tumble and always in some sort of a cast for breaking something. I was weird. And then I was goth, and then I was gay, and my mother has eventually come to terms with all of this.

She’ll either break down and, slowly, we’ll fix ourselves again, or she’ll have seen this coming. Or both. Or neither. I think she’s as unpredictable as I am, actually.

But my dad is loudly morally opposed to all of this. I don’t know what he thinks Galatians 3:28 actually MEANS, but he’ll quote every other bible verse he can find (and everything his shitty, stupid pastor feeds him) before considering this might be something bigger. Might be beyond the bible, or even allowed by it. Might not be half-bad. He thinks trans people shouldn’t get healthcare, thinks it shouldn’t be allowed. Thinks it’s an american right to discriminate against us. Thinks the bathroom thing is bullshit, thinks we’re asking for it.

He also thinks we shouldn’t be attacked, shouldn’t be beaten or killed, but he’s always been more of an “all sins hold the same weight” sort of man. He’s absolutely against it.

I don’t know what I’ll do to make this all okay. I like getting along with him. I like bonding, and making him proud. I spent the past year doing “boyish” activities with him. I never let him take me hunting, sure, but we went shooting and we built shit, we put gates in the ground and hauled lumber and did electrical work and plumbing and we wrestled and threw hay and drank beer,

and I’m so fucking scared that I won’t be able to do any of those things as his son, instead of his daughter.

Then again, I don’t anticipate living at home ever again. I’ll visit, if they let me, but I’m on my own now. Maybe it won’t matter. Maybe i won’t ever stay long enough to notice those things are missing. Maybe I should just be grateful for the year that I had, and let that be.

There’s really no use fretting about it before it happens. My transition will continue, and my family will respond however they choose, and I’ll be strong enough to deal with whatever the fallout may be. We’ll get there.

I am. Beyond grateful that I’m doing this as a young adult, and not a teenager, or an undergrad. Wish I’d figured out my identity younger, wish there’d been less uncertainty, but I can’t imagine facing down these decisions at fifteen.

To the kids who are figuring this out young, you are impossibly brave. I’m inspired by you. I look up to you. I wasn’t that strong as a teen. It’s sad that so many of you have to be strong like that.

These are just thoughts for the day. I’ll read this after I’ve told them the truth, see how many of my fears have blossomed or died. Boyhood is weird, but not in a bad way.

Sorry dad.

#trans guy #ftm #trans boy #lgbt #coming out #queer #parents #family

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homenum-revelio-hq · 4 years ago

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Welcome (again) to the Order of the Phoenix, Karli!

You have been accepted for the role of BENJY FENWICK with the faceclaim change of Nick Robinson, along with the requested bio changes! I loved how you dug into and fleshed-out Benjy’s ills and issues without obscuring the bright, optimistic (naive) core of him. I also adored reading the relationships section and how you wove so many other members of the Order into his life and perspective. I can’t wait to see him interact with everybody on the dash! I’m so glad you’ve decided to bring us the rest of the Chaos Trio!

Please take a look at the new member checklist and send in your account within 24 hours! Thank you for joining the fight against Voldemort!

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME: Karli

AGE: 29

TIMEZONE: CST

ACTIVITY LEVEL: Same as it has been, fairly active. Less so in the fall when school starts up again.

ANYTHING ELSE: None.

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Benjy Fenwick

AGE: 19 | September 18, 1962

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Cis-Male, Him/Him, Heterosexual.

Benjy is very comfortable with his sexuality and isn’t afraid to be friends with people who are not heterosexual. In fact, a majority of his friendships are with people who are discovering their sexuality or already identify as LGBTQ. With a gay father, he sometimes considers himself “knowing” and forgets that his experience is very privileged. Just because he’s accepting and aware doesn’t mean he truly gets it and, being young, that’s sometimes hard to remember.

BLOOD STATUS: Half-Blood

HOUSE ALUMNI: Ravenclaw

ANY CHANGES: Even though I wrote the bio and the FC originally, the more I solidified Benjy in my mind, some of the things I originally wrote ended up needing to be changed. For instance, I would like to change my FC to Nick Robinson. As I got to know Benjy, I realized that KJ’s expressions and resources didn’t really fit the mold I’d created with this portrayal. Also, I think it might be important to change the “he’s the newest member” thing in the second part of the bio, as he is no longer the newest member - just started that way when the roleplay began. I would also like to change the Caradoc connection up a bit - I will include it below under “relationships.”

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY:

The first thing many people notice about Benjy Fenwick is his energy. He is very talkative and likeable in the sense he’ll not only talk to someone, he wants them to talk back. He’s a good listener, even if he doesn’t always look like it. With that energy needing to go somewhere, it’s not always easy for him to sit still (something that the healers were frustrated by during his recovery) and often will be found moving around or doing something with his hands. This can be offensive to those people he’s supposed to be listening to - but he does keep his ears open, even if his eyes aren’t concentrated.

He likely has a mild case of undiagnosed ADHD - which sometimes shows up in the form of struggling to stay focused and hyperactivity. This happens, typically, with those things he cares less about. He could talk for hours about Quidditch without needing a break (or used to, anyway, it hurts a bit more now that he’s on the outside of the sport) and even the art of healing has become important enough to him to have much of his attention. The program at St. Mungo’s is harder for Benjy, given his need for extra support that wouldn’t be given in the Wizarding World, but he manages to stay afloat, even if he’s not at the top of the program.

Benjy is accepting and loving, but sometimes has the complex that he doesn’t really have to do much soul-searching - or doesn’t really have to grow. In modern terms, Benjy thinks himself to be “woke” without realizing that his naivety means he still has a lot of self-awareness left to find. Just because he sees an experience doesn’t mean he knows that experience - and he might need someone to force him to take a step back and really look.

Currently, he’s in a bit of an identity-crisis. For years, Quidditch had been his focus. It had been his life. He chose healing, not because of passion, but because of a lack of other things he could think of. When Quidditch ended, the hospital visits began and the healing program sort of fell into his lap. He is learning to find a love for healing, but it hasn’t fully developed yet.

Benjy is curious and creative. There is a reason he was sorted into Ravenclaw - and it isn’t the stereotypical “booksmart.” He learned that Ravenclaws often have an open-mindedness about them that allows for thought in different ways. While he’s not very artistic, his creativity comes in the ability to think outside the box and look at things from a new perspective. This helped him with his Quidditch skills and it could help within the Order, too.

He doesn’t always come off as though he truly cares, however. Because he picks and chooses what to really put his heart into, sometimes he might seem indifferent to others’ suffering or what they have to say. He’s got a bit of that British-polite in him and doesn’t always stick up for what’s right without someone backing him up. For this, he is a follower. He was pulled into the Order by Dorcas - and doesn’t really do much within the organization without someone telling him what to do. He might get radical at times, but that’s only because Dorcas is telling him to be. He’s a Yes Man in that way and often struggles to make his own decisions. Without her pressure, he likely wouldn’t be in the Order right now and just safely hiding under the radar as a “normal” half-blood.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY:

(Once again, this isn’t brief and it’s about his whole life, not just family WHOOPS!)

Benjy was seven years old when his father, Jaison, came out as homosexual. Benjy’s mother, Maeve, had been mildly shocked for a bit before praising her husband for his true acceptance of self. They promptly divorced, but remained friendly and shared custody of their two children. Benjy’s sister, Haley, was too young to ever remember a time where their parents were together - so the situation of co-parenting and blended family structure had always been her normal.

For Benjy, it was a bit tougher. He was confused by the fact that Daddy and Mummy weren’t together anymore, but still spent time together. He questioned a bit about love in the capacity a child could. Until he met Lucas. His dad had taken months with Lucas before feeling comfortable enough to introduce his kids, but Benjy learned a bit about love watching his father with his boyfriend. Eventually, Lucas became a staple in the Fenwicks’ life, moving in with Jaison despite their inability to get married.

What won Benjy over about Lucas was Quidditch. While Maeve worked for the Department of Magical Games and Sports, it wasn’t until Lucas entered his life that Benjy actually got to go see a Quidditch match. They would go to as many as they could, buying food from the stances and watching the players fly high into the air, shooting the Quaffle or knocking the bludger or catching the snitch.

He learned to fly early. With his mum at one home and his step-dad at the other, Benjy always had someone to practice with. He grew to love the position of Keeper best. The idea that he was in charge of surveying the entire pitch - that he was the final defense against the opposition and the goal - was exhilarating. He lived and breathed the sport and, by the time he went to Hogwarts, he had his life planned out.

Ravenclaw was surprising until he met some friends and learned the house was about creativity along with intelligence. It helped with his game. Benjy didn’t need a crystal ball to tell him his future: he would get on the team his second year, he’d be promoted to captain by fifth year, get scouted during seventh, preferably by the Falmouth Falcons.

But then a bludger hit towards him by the Gryffindor team’s beater, which caused Benjy to roll the wrong way - he’d practiced the Zelig Flip a thousand times, but he’d positioned his hand a bit too much to the left and slipped. The fall from such an incredible height should’ve killed him - he was lucky, they said. You should be dead, they said. And Benjy wanted to shout but a life without Quidditch is death!

Perhaps the worst thing of all - besides the injuries and healers and learning to put weight on his leg again - was that the Falcon scout had been there. He wouldn’t play again - he couldn’t play again. And the person he most wanted to impress witnessed it all.

He was back at Hogwarts by the time N.E.W.T.s rolled around, but spent the better part of the year between St. Mungo’s and the school. It was because of this he recklessly - and without much thought - applied to the healing program at the hospital. He got in, accepted, and mourned the loss of who he was supposed to have been. Perhaps Dorcas recognized his identity-crisis because he barely thought about it before agreeing to join the Order with her. Searching for something to fight for again.

OCCUPATION: Healer-In-Training at St. Mungo’s.

Benjy applied for the healing program upon graduation because he just didn’t know what else to do. It had never been a real passion for him - but the idea of Quidditch was over and he’d been spending so much time at the hospital lately that he went for it. His N.E.W.T.s were just good enough to get him accepted. Looking back, it’s actually a good fit for him. It’s always different day-to-day, which keeps his interest, and learning all the new healing techniques quells his curious streak.

Currently, he’s still in year one of the two-to-three year program.Recently, he began the portion of the training that involves rotations, where he gets to spend some time in each of the wards of St. Mungos. During his third year, he will have to declare a speciality, but he has no clue what that will be. Right now, his favorite bits of healing have to do with the Order and working with Emmeline.

ROLE WITHIN THE ORDER/THOUGHTS ABOUT THE ORDER:

Benjy is a lower level member who joined the Order in September 1981, through Dorcas Meadowes’ pushiness encouragement. At the time, he was the newest member and knew little about the organization. As the months have passed and they’ve failed missions and lost members (most notably, one of Benjy’s idols, James Potter), he’s learned to grow more and more passionate about the cause.

He typically stays back during missions, both to help with healing given his qualifications, but also because he just physically can’t do all the dueling. His leg injury makes him slower and the slight tremors in his wand hand can be controlled in moments of healing, but not necessarily high-energy duels.

He believes in the Order, but isn’t overtly vocal about it. Given his nature as a Yes Man, he is known to nod and agree and go ohhh, so that’s how it is depending on whichever person is “explaining” things to him. This makes him fairly susceptible to manipulation - and often spouts Dorcas’ words rather than making his own opinion on the matter.

SURVIVAL:

Benjy survives through his “normalcy.” He’s not rich, but he’s not poor. He’s not loud, but he’s not quiet, either. He’s a half-blood from a few generations back; nothing really special about it all. Had he become famous like he anticipated, the spotlight might be on him more. But, as it is, no one really cares much about the could’ve beens of the world.

He lives with his mum in his childhood home, in his childhood room, and is more than ready to get the fuck outta there! It might be easier to sneak away if his sister wasn’t off at Hogwarts, but all his parents are worried about their son that nearly died. Since the fall, they’ve had eyes on him more than they might’ve had things panned out differently for him. Once allowing him to be fairly independent, now his mum wants to know where he’s going at night - and, whenever he’s at his dad’s, he has two sets of eyes watching over him. It’s rather exhausting making up lies or avoiding the question with the teenage-angst shout of I’m of-age now, Mum!

Still, he’s mostly under the radar and, if any of his parents suspect anything, no one has mentioned it to Benjy. He knows what they’d say if they do find out about the Order, however; they’d want him to stop. Maybe in the beginning, he would’ve listened. Now, especially with James’ death, he’s in too deep. And he likes that.

RELATIONSHIPS:

Dorcas Meadowes. Having been friends since their Hogwarts days, Benjy listens to her maybe more than anyone else. He’s very much the “Yes Man” when it comes to Dorcas - he joined the Order for her, helped with the creation of the Phoenix symbol before the explosion of the Atrium, and is willing to do more destruction for her. Benjy thinks of Dorcas as his best friend, though in truth, she might just be using him. He’s blind to it, whatever it is, and he’s bound to get himself hurt following in her footsteps.

Emma Vanity. A newer friend, but closer than most of the ones Benjy used to have in school (which mainly consisted of the Quidditch team and a few outliers, like Dorcas) these days. While the rest of his friends have moved on to other things not regarding the war, Emma found her way in it. She doesn’t need to fight - she’s a pretty, rich, pureblood, after all! - and Benjy admires that she is.

Emmeline Vance. What started out as an odd pairing (seasoned, weary war healer and over-eager trainee with a limp) has become something really special. Benjy values Emmeline’s guidance more than any of the other “adults” (he’s an adult too, but different sort of adult!) in the Order. She’s sensible and level headed and nothing seems to shake her. She’s taught him more in battlefield healing than he learned in his first 6 months of healer training and he respects her. She might get a bit annoyed with all his antics, but he can make her smile! He knows she’s fond of him!

Caradoc Dearborn. Benjy judged Caradoc too harshly at first - a product of finding the Marauders so cool and knowing that at least half of them didn’t enjoy Caradoc’s presence. Once he learned that Dearborn did, in fact, play Quidditch in school - and once he actually talked to Caradoc - the tides have changed. They’re not close friends, but he’s not as much of a stick-in-the-mud as Benjy thought.

(This is the connection I’d like to change, please!!)

Sirius Black. He’s very cool. Benjy bought a leather jacket because he saw Sirius wearing one, but then felt like an idiot, so it’s never been worn outside his own bedroom (and he’s sure Dorcas will make fun of him, if she ever sees it!). Benjy knows he’ll never be as effortlessly awesome as Sirius Black - the bloke always looks rather careless and that’s just so killer, man! - but he likes taking tips anyway. Maybe he’ll get a girlfriend if he’s more like Sirius. Now that James has died, the easy, cool bloke from before is shifting to something darker and that’s scary. Benjy doesn’t want to get rid of his old idol, but he also doesn’t want to die for Sirius.

Dedalus Diggle. It might be calling the kettle black, but Diggle sort of annoys Benjy. He talks a lot - tinkers a lot - messes with things. And maybe that’s just Benjy seeing himself in Dedalus, but two people who are this energetic together can sometimes be a bit of an explosion.

Daisy Hookum. Benjy doesn’t know Daisy well at all. She was years ahead of him in school and was off on some Muggle retreat when Benjy joined the Order but, now that she’s back, he’s interested in some of the things she learned over there. Especially the Muggle sporting!

Remus Lupin. Just before the disastrous event at the party, Remus was outed as a werewolf. Benjy never really got to know the bloke - he, too, was on some mission when Benjy joined up - but now he’s almost afraid of him. Benjy himself doesn’t realize that’s internalized prejudice coming into play… but he doesn’t want to become a werewolf!

Severus Snape. Benjy doesn’t know how to feel about Severus Snape. It’s clear that Sirius hates him, but Dorcas loves him. Those are two people who could really sway Benjy over to their side if he doesn’t quickly form his own opinion. Severus doesn’t really seem to care about Benjy, though, so it’s not really a priority. But if Severus does want people on his side in the Order, Benjy could be an easy target for loyalty.

Isla Selwyn-Macmillan. She actually played Quidditch professionally for years - Benjy has old magazines with her picture in it! He’s a bit too afraid to ask her about her experience on the major league pitch, however - not just because he’s a bit starstruck, but also because it hurts to talk about what he might’ve been able to have, too. He doesn’t realize it wasn’t Isla’s choice to leave the sport, however. If he were to find out, they might be more kindred spirits than anyone would think.

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS: Benjy/Chemistry. Since I made him straight explicitly for the goal of providing that “oh so woke, but not exactly” cis, white, straight dude, any ships would have to be heterosexual. But I’m open for whatever within that realm!

WHAT PRIVILEGES AND BIASES DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE?

Benjy is right down the middle of privilege, meaning he doesn’t really get the perks of being a pureblood, but doesn’t get the prejudice of being a muggleborn. He’s a halfblood, white, cis-male wizard. His family grew up fairly middle class and, while his parents are divorced, they managed to stay friendly and Benjy never had to go through the trauma of feeling as though he had to choose.

With accepting parents, one of which is gay, Benjy has grown up learning about the importance of tolerance and acceptance. Because of this, he believes he’s (in modern terms) “woke.” However, there is still internalized prejudice in all of us. While he would never dare to utter the word mudblood and would scoff at someone who does, he still might look at a talented muggleborn with a bit of wow, look at that! as though it were surprising they could be just that good. He also wouldn’t fight the person using the word Mudblood. He would likely tell him it’s not cool, but forgive and move on easily. Not realizing that it wouldn’t be his place to forgive. It’s not his story to tell.

While he doesn’t hold the rhetoric of all werewolves are bad and all house-elves should be servants and other things along those lines, he inadvertently acts on it without knowing. It’s very naive -- “You mean werewolves don’t have canine teeth and claws in their human form?!” and “But don’t they like not getting paid?!” -- but Benjy is willing to listen and grow. He just sometimes forgets he still has room to grow because he generally does try to be accepting to all people and creatures. He also doesn’t always care enough to seek out more information because he doesn’t really think he needs it -- it doesn’t affect him. And that’s privilege.

Being a straight bloke with a gay dad and a lot of LGBTQ friendships, he really thinks he understands sexuality. And maybe he gets some of it, but he doesn’t really “get it.” It’s not his experience. He’s also very confused about bisexuality, which makes sense given the timing of the world as well. What he saw in his life shaped his understanding of sexuality - his dad presented straight until he accepted his sexuality and then he was gay. Benjy gets that, but struggles to understand that there are sexualities in-between the two. For instance, Emma and Dorcas -- if they get together, he’d assume that means they’re lesbians, despite sexuality not being so clear cut as that. Once again, it doesn’t come with malicious intent or the desire to erase anyone… it’s just naivety. People need to teach him because he’s willing to learn.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? It’s the roleplay I created and I love how amazing it’s become. It’s honestly a bit eerily relevant to our life right now and I’d like to explore that with a different character than Regulus. Benjy more closely resembles James, but he’s still his own and he has a story to tell.

PLOT DROP IDEAS: All chalked out, sorry! All my ideas are already in the process through admin stuff. I’d love the chaos trio to fuck some shit up together, but that’s all I’ve got!

ANYTHING ELSE? I’m not sure where else to discuss Benjy’s injuries, so I’ll just do it here. When he fell from his broom, he landed on his left side, which also happens to be his dominant side (he’s left-handed in both writing and wand). He walks with a limp all the time - it will likely never go away. For a while, he was forced to use a cane, especially during the healing process, but hasn’t needed that since prior to graduation. If he pushes himself too hard, there’s the possibility he may need that again, but he likely would just rest on those days more than bringing out the old cane full of unwanted reminders. His wand arm’s muscles had torn in the fall and, despite the ability to put them back together through magic, there are some lasting effects. He sometimes has tremors, especially if having a wand raised for long periods of time. Typically, this can be remedied with some techniques taught to him by the healers, but in extreme cases, he needs to put the wand down for an hour or so. This is most difficult when he’s in the middle of healing, otherwise it doesn’t get in the way much.

#homenumaccepted #harry potter rp #hp rp #marauders rp #marauders rpg

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jacobs-jorts · 5 years ago

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some of my twilight hcs

just so y’all know I really only care about the wolfpack but I do Cullen things if y’all wanna see that.

Imprinting. Is. Not. Slavery. We. Do. Not. Like. That. Stephanie. You. White. Supremacist.

Yet it exists in my twiworld, because I’m a Hopless Romantic™️ and a maladaptive daydreamer. Instead of the slavery our good friend, Supremacist Stephanie, came up with—there’s still free will. Considering (in the Twilight universe, this is not a thing in real Quileute culture. If you haven’t already, I suggest doing a quick google search on the tribe to learn just how much Smeyer sucks.) the old Quileutes could project their spirits out of their bodies, and that the pack are spirit-warriors, wouldn’t it make sense to have a soulmate? The person who’s spirit is most compatible with your spirit would be your imprint. It’s not an inherent love for the imprintee, but a want to be around and protect. I’d like to think this goes along with Billy’s theory, that imprinting makes a wolf stronger, by giving the wolf something to fight for.

Considering Breaking Dawn was an acid trip, Leah was really able to focus on controlling her temper. She found an outlet doing yoga, wood carving, painting, and pretty much any creative outlet she could get her hands on. She learned how to do traditional basket weaving and her and Emily have (nearly) matching jingle dresses.

Later in life, she backpacks across Europe with her best bud, Embry. In Verona, she imprints on a smug, Mike Newton-but-better, Italian guy (I’ve been developing him in my head far longer than I’ve known about Gay Leah ok i’m new to tumblr don’t @ me). Leah finds out his name is Dante Del Conte and laughs for 20 minutes.

For years, Leah thought she would never feel romantic love again. It was more a personal choice, she had forgiven Sam and Emily, but it still sucked, she didn’t want to risk it again. But when this wannabe Pauly D (jersey shore reference ayyyye) with a goofy smile and calls her stupid names like Bellissima, Carina, and Dolcezza, Leah giggles like a schoolgirl. (I have a half finished fic that I stopped writing bc I got depressed but wanna finish, so lemme know if that’s something I should do lol)

Paul still imprints on Rachel Black (y’all pretty sure she’s in her twenties so...Smeyer what the heck?), but they don’t get together. They’re best friends and bond over this one thing more anything else:

WOMEN.

Rachel Black is a raging homosexual and Paul has raging boner 98% of the time. He learns to hoe from her. Jacob has walked in onthem, Rachel with one of those long pointer thingies, standing in front of a white board with a surprisingly well drawn coochie diagram and Paul sitting, cross legged, on the floor with Kim’s study supplies, eargerly awaiting her instructions. Jacob died in his jorts.

Paul speaks Spanish and part of his family still lives in Durango, Mexico (shoutout to my distant cousins lmao). He uses Spanish to wow women and talk crap to Bella’s face.

Speaking of Jacob, he only wears jorts. he is a jort only wearer. in 2020 he’s still making diy jorts. He may have money considering he now runs his own auto repair shop along with Embry, Seth, Sam, and Emily (she’s handy) but hecan’t give them up. Fashion Queen Billy Black has called him a domestic terrorist for putting his eyesight through Jort-Seeing.

He doesn’t imprint, but he does meet a lovely lady from the Makah reservation. He falls in love organically and has a big, big family because twins run in both lines. He is exhausted.

HE’S THE BEST DAD EVER AND HIS BABIES ALL HAVE BABY JORTS. HE PROPOSES BY TURNING AROUND, IN JORTS WITH THE WORDS ‘MARRY ME’ ACROSS THE BOOTY AND THROWS IT BACK TO BRUNO MARS MARRY ME.

fyi his sweethearts name is Melody and She’s My Baby™️. Fic coming soon.

Seth imprints on me. I literally have a 43 page google doc fic bout it that will never see the light of day and is ongoing

Ok but actually. Sethy boy imprints on a girl from the Philippines. (I’m filipino so uh...had to do it 🤷🏻‍♀️ pinoy pride ma dudes. the rest isn’t my shameless self insert I promise) He kind of panicks because holy shit it’s happening.

Everything ends up going really smoothly. They compliment each other nicely. Seth speaks horrid tagalog to her family and always forgets to add po.

so ik Seth is a sunshine boy, but he actually has pretty bad depression? He doesn’t see himself as all that. For a long time he was kind of cyncical, but one day he made the decision to work on being a good person. It ended up actually working! He’s now Ceo of the company of good peopleness.

Once he’s done phasing he becomes a paramedic. Seth loves to help people and is naturally a protector. Whenever he can, he’s fixing cars with Jake at the garage for some extra cash because he likes to spoil his mother. It’s a way of showing how thankful he is and how sorry he is for giving her heart attacks as a kid. rip harry.

Sam and Emily are both heavily involved in the tribe. The both of them are trying to revive the Quileute language and actively work with the youth.

Embry gets a degree in law. He imprints on the cute girl next to him in class.

His imprint is an imprint of color (specifically Nepali and Black) and the both of them work on getting poc who were wrongly convicted out back on the streets. He’s wildly successful and is able to get Tiffany a better house.

Him and his mom have such a good relationship. He’s a total mommies boy and while he was actively phasing, he felt terrible for the way he treated her.

Tiffany’s a milf and Brady loves her. Embry has broken his ribs for this.

Quil and Collin? Gay. not for each other, but their gay. Quil’s Collin’s gay mentor i don’t make the rules.

I’m tired so imma sleep now.

AND JARED IS A LOVEABLE IDIOT WHO RELIES ON HIS EPIC BUISNESS WIFE KIM WHO SPEAKS MULTIPLE LANGUAGES AND IS CHANGING THE WOLRD BYE

#twilight #twilight headcanon #seth clearwater #leah clearwater #jacob black #embry call #twilight wolf pack #ill be back to curse this cite

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icequeenoriginal · 6 years ago

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Tale As Old As Time Chapter 1

Note: @lrnightingale is the sweetest bean in the world and has done me the honor of allowing me to work on this AU with them. Check out their artwork they already made and something coming soon ;)

Pairings: Prinxiety and Logicality

Trigger Warning: Guns mentioned, hunting, homophobia, dead animal, Deceit (referred to as Decarus), lying, cursing (let me know if I missed anything)

Roman Beltrius Sanders woke up to the sound of the birds chirping. He stretches and smiles at the birds flying outside his window. It was so peaceful in the morning.

But, like every morning, the sound of a hunting rifle going off disturbed his peace and quiet.

Roman sighed and shut his window. He really needed to stop going to sleep with it open. Especially since winter was just around the corner.

Roman got up, went to his closet and pulled out his outfit. He decided on his white shirt, a red vest and black pants. He headed down the stairs to collect his black boots.

“Dad?” Roman called out once he entered the living room. He got no vocal response, only a tap coming from under his feet. Roman smiled, his father was already hard at work.

Roman grabbed his boots and headed to the kitchen. On the table, there were two plates, one with food and one without. There was a note next to the full plate that read: I ate already so don’t worry about me, go out and have some fun! -Dad

Roman chuckled at the note and sat down to eat his breakfast slowly. He ponders over what he will do today, deciding to return the book he borrowed from the library then get another one to read.

He sighed and mumbled to himself “I don’t even know why I pretend like I’m going to do anything else. There’s nothing remotely interesting about this town.”

Roman finished his breakfast and headed to the door. He paused to pick up his basket and put on a fake smile before heading out.

He hummed as he headed down the path from his secluded home to the “busy” town. “Busy” because it was the exact same amount of people, every day, doing the exact same things.

It wasn’t that Roman necessarily hated the town, he just found it to be boring. Very boring.

Roman walked to the corner and began to count down from five. Once he hit one, he pointed as the baker turned the corner. Roman smiled, it was like clockwork “Bonjour Sean!”

The baker named Sean smiled back “Bonjour Roman! What are you up to today?”

“Oh! I’m going to the book shop to return this book I borrowed. It was an amazing read, you should--”

Sean waved him off “That’s nice. MARK! WHERE ARE THE BAGUETTES?!”

Roman sighed. The same conversation from the day before, ending at the exact same point. He continued his walk. Every time he counted down from five, someone would walk out of their shop and greet him. First Sean the baker, then Justine the merchant, next Ethan the farmer.

Then it was the twins Gabby and Lilly, who not-so-subtly whispered about him which Roman did not react to, only kept walking. Roman was used to this. It happened every day, from everyone in the town.

It was no secret the town did not like Roman. For as long as he could remember, they thought he was different, odd, a freak. When he was young and naive, it would bother him to no end. He tried his best to fit in, to be popular. He decided to do what most of the young boys in town did and picked up a sword. There were also guns but his father strictly forbids him from ever touching one.

He trained day and night to become the best fighter in all the town. He was close to even rival Decarus, the most popular guy in the town. He was the best hunter, the most athletic, and the most handsome.

Roman didn’t see the appeal.

One day, Decarus and Nat invited him to join them hunting. Nat was Decarus right-hand man. He followed him around like a lost puppy. They took Roman to their favorite spot.

That’s when Roman learned the truth.

Decarus was ruthless, a conman, and an overall jerk. He killed the animals he hunted mercilessly, he extorted money and every other word he spoke was a filthy lie. Even the story behind his scar was a gigantic lie. Everyone in town would tell the story that Decarus fought valiantly to protect the town from bandits. The truth was Decarus was trying to rob a pirate ship and was caught in the act.

The whole day would forever scare Roman. It scared him so much that he went to his father, put down his sword in front of his father and state he will never pick it up again.

It was the best decision he had ever made.

He should really thank Decarus. Putting the sword down took a giant weight off of Roman’s shoulder. He stopped caring what people thought about him, he was happier and he could discover new things. He took up reading to past the time that he wasn’t using to train. He was able to escape this horrid town through his books.

It also had another side effect.

Roman’s beauty began to evolve. He didn’t notice but the town did. Since everyone else was running around and trying to fit in, Roman easily became the most beautiful person in the town.

But it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

Decarus did not enjoy the new attention on Roman and loathed that the man did not care about said attention. So he did what he did best, he lied.

He told everyone that Roman had given up the blade and took up studies, very advanced studies that no one truly needed in life. That he didn’t care for the people of the town.

What? Don’t you know the best way to lie is to tell the truth?

So the rumors began. People would stare and whisper more cruelly when Roman walked past and people stared for longer. Some even came up to Roman and asked him questions such as “How’s your training going?”, “Where’s your sword?”, “Don’t you miss it? You were so happy when you had it!”

However, it didn’t affect Roman in the slightest. He’d answer their questions with a simple “no” or a shrug. It bothered the ones who asked, but once again Roman did not care. The people who asked were older and small-minded while the people his age just found him beautiful.

No one dared approach him, his looks and his attitude gave him the title of unattainable. All except two people.

Well, three but that’s not until later in our story.

The first was a young girl about two years after Roman’s transformation. Most of the girls and a good amount of guys admired him from afar but no one dared touch lest they damage the living piece of art in front of them.

But one girl, ONE, decide that a man like that could not be single forever. So, she walked up to Roman, with a significant amount of their fellow peers around, and asked him to go to the town’s festival with her. It was a very important festival, celebrating the beginning of the summer season.

Roman flashed his gorgeous smile “I’m sorry, but I am going to the festival with my father, although you are free to join us if you want to.”

Roman didn’t miss the quick scowl that crossed her face. As much as people hated Roman, they hated his father Thomas more.

Thomas moved to the town when Roman was still a newborn. Like always, the town as accepting at first. The older women cooed over the baby and Thomas was given so much “Welcome!” food that he didn’t have to cook for a moment.

Then one nosey lady asked where Roman’s mother was.

Thomas simply replied that Roman did not have one.

Thus the rumors about Thomas began, but now we are getting off topic. We will get back to Thomas later.

The girl began to twirl her hair and spoke with an obvious flirty voice “Oh well I was hoping for us to have some alone time.”

Roman continued to smile, the whole conversation was going over his head “My father will probably not want to do any of the physical activities like dancing and the ring toss.”

The girl sighed, dropping her cutesy demeanor permanently “I’m trying to ask you out.”

Roman’s eyes widen in shock and he found his feet involuntarily moving back and away from her. “Oh, I’m sorry but I’m not interested.”

The girl and the people around him all gasped in unison. Roman looked around, more confused than nervous. “What?! You’re not interested in me?! Everyone’s interested in me!”

Technically it was a true fact, she was the most popular girl to attend their schoolhouse.

“What is there not to like?!”

“It’s nothing personal against you, I’m not attracted to women.” She stared at him blankly “I am a homosexual.”

Again, the group gasps. Whispers of “I should have known”, “Just like his father”, “Such a shame” circulated the room. Roman only turned around and headed back to his home.

Roman shook his head of the memory as he arrived at his destination, the bookstore. It was his sanctuary. No one in the town came there unless they needed something for school. It was quiet and Roman claimed a spot by the window where he could read. People would still look in but he could simply pull the drapes shut.

The bookstore owner was one of the only two people in the town that Roman actually liked. The bookstore owner’s name is Jon and Roman is pretty sure his father and he are more than just friends but neither would confirm or deny those claims.

Jon smiled as Roman entered “Roman! My favorite customer!” He stretched out his arms for a hug.

Roman smiled and graciously hugged him. “Good morning!”

Jon gave him a quick squeeze before pulling away “What brings you here?”

“Oh nothing, just returning the book I borrowed.”

Jon laughed “I should be surprised that you are done already, but it is you.”

Roman chuckled “Then I guess that also means that you don’t have anything new for me?”

Jon backed up and pointed to the “Newest” section of the bookstore. To any other person, it was filled and they wouldn’t know where to start. To Roman, it was a been there, done that situation. Jon kept books in the “Newest” section up to three months due to the lack of casual readers, but by the time the three months were up, Roman would have read each and every book.

Jon found it impressive, Thomas chalked it up to no impulse control.

“Nothing new came in yesterday, sorry.”

Roman’s smile didn’t waver “Don’t worry, I know just the book to past the time until they do.” Roman placed the book he was returning back on the shelf he took it from. He walked towards the back of the bookstore and pulled a very specific book. It had a light blue cover, but no words on it. Roman traced his fingers over it and smiled.

Jon smiled “How could I forget about that one? It’s your favorite. I just started a pot of coffee. I could bring you a cup.”

“Thanks but I have to get back home.” Roman placed the book in his basket “If I’m not there to make him, he won’t move from his desk all day.”

Jon gave him a knowing glance as he dusted the bookshelf “New story idea?”

“Worse, deadline coming up.”

“Then you better get a move on.”

“I will.”

“Oh and don’t worry about returning the book.”

Roman turned around and raised an eyebrow “Wait, why?”

Jon smiled “I know it's your favorite.”

Roman smiled “Of course! Far off places, daring sword fights, magic spells, a prince in disguise! It’s the whole package!”

“Which is why you should keep it.”

Roman gave Jon another hug, repeatedly saying thank you. After he determined he had said thank you enough, he headed out the shop. He didn’t miss the people who abruptly turned from the large shop window as he saw them watching him from the window. Roman opened his book and read as he walked to avoid making eye contact with anyone.

Smirking to himself, Roman decided to mess with the people watching him. Pulling the book up to block his face, he walked through the busiest street with ease. Dodging children running past, easily walking over obstacles in the road, even dodging water from being thrown on his head. The people followed him, completely in awe.

A group of geese fly peacefully over the town...before one was suddenly shot down. A young man, known as Nat, chased after it and attempted to catch in a ball. Though he overestimated how far he needed to be underneath it and the dead geese flopped onto the floor. Quickly stuffing it inside the bag, he ran back over to Decarus.

“Wow, that was a perfect shot, Dee! Like always, of course! You’re the greatest hunter in the world!” Nat made sure to compliment Decarus any chance he got to make sure he stayed on Decarus’ good side.

Decarus turned towards his weapon and tuned out Nat as he wiped down his gun. He had heard it every day anyway.

Decarus loved his life. He got everything he wanted without any effort. Every lie that exited his mouth meant a new thing to serve him. Large scars on your face are not attractive? Now they are. Being into guys is bad? Not anymore. Do you need to work to make a living? Not for Decarus, he needs to hunt and protect the town from all the dangers of the outside world. He had the town wrapped around his finger.

All except one.

Nat’s voice faded back “...And I bet you could get anyone you wanted!”

Decarus smirked and spoke loud enough for anyone close to hear, “You bet I can, and I want that one.” He pointed his rifle at Roman who only walked past. Roman was aware of the distance between him and the gun was short but he didn’t even look up from his book. Decarus was the second person who tried to romance Roman and continued to do so. Thus Roman was used to this kind of behavior on a daily basis.

Nat raised an eyebrow “The writer’s son?” It was an unspoken rule to not speak the last name of Roman and Thomas, that meant respect.

“Yup, because he’s totally the most beautiful person in town which is the only reason I want him.” Roman was the only person in the town that wasn’t madly in love with Decarus. Even Roman’s recluse of a father admires the young hunter. That made Roman a prize to be won. A toy he wanted for him to play with. That was the real reason.

Decarus was very aware that he could have any man he wanted. While people stared at Roman with judgment, they looked like Decarus with love and admiration. Some invited him into their homes or go hunting with. Still, he followed Roman, because that’s what he wanted.

Roman knew Decarus was following him, he did it every day. After ignoring Roman for days after the girl incident, Decarus went from ignoring Roman to coming up to him every day to try to romance him. Thus making him the aforementioned second person. Roman headed down the most crowded road in all the town, the main road. It was busy with people doing their morning shopping. Once again, Roman easily dodged them without looking up from his book.

Decarus smirked “Playing snake and mouse, are we? Well then. Run, little mouse, run.” Decarus took off, down an alley with Nat attempting to keep up with him.

Roman almost made it to his house on the hill when Decarus jumped in front of him.

Decarus straight his jacket out and leaned against the side of a building casually, as if to make it look like he hadn’t chased down Roman. “Hello, Roman~”

Roman didn’t bother to look up from his book. He pondered his options. He could ignore Decarus as always but he knew that the whispers would only get louder and he had a big enough headache already.

With a sigh, Roman answered, “Good morning Decarus.” With a smirk, Roman added, “Up to your usual stalking and general assholeness?”

The people around them gasped, in shock that Roman would dare disrespect such a great man. Decarus’ smirk didn’t waver, only grew “Oh yes, that’s exactly what I’m up to.” He snatched Roman’s book out of his hands and held it just out of reach “I see you’re still being a stuck-up bookworm prick.” Behind Decarus, Nate let out an “Ooohhh!” between his pants as he just caught up to the two.

See, there was yet another big lie Decarus told, this one was a lie of omission. What is the secret? He hates Roman as much as Roman hates him, even with Roman’s good looks. He found Roman to be an annoying know-it-all that never gave Decarus the attention he so deserved. But that only made Roman more desirable. Decarus wanted to fix Roman, make him exactly like everyone in the town. Then he would everyone wrapped around his finger for Thomas would do anything for his son. Plus, he always wanted a trophy husband.

Decarus flipped through Roman’s book, rather disgusted “Why do you subject yourself to such unnecessary boredom when you could be doing more important things, and important people.” He wiggled his eyebrows, only earning an eye roll from Roman.

“Some people like to expand their minds.”

Decarus and Nat shared a look then began to laugh at Roman. Roman tried to get his book back as they were momentarily distracted but Decarus had a fast reaction time and moved it out of Roman’s way, satisfied with the growl of frustration that escapes Roman’s mouth.

“I and the entire town despise that you do such a thing. It’s not right. You’re going come up with...new ideas.”

Roman raised an eyebrow “And that’s bad?”

“Extremely bad.”

“Goodbye.” Roman snatched the book away and headed over to his house, more annoyed than he thought was possible.

Decarus did not move from his spot but stretched out his arms “Come on, don’t be like that. Why don’t you join me and look at all my trophies and the other stuff I was given for being such an amazing hunter and the town’s golden boy.”

That should be a joke. That should offend the people around them. But no, Decarus was serious and no one cared. Roman should scream, should tell him off, but it wasn’t worth it.

So instead, he says, very nonchalantly as he looked over his shoulder “I can’t, I have to help my father, like a good son.”

Decarus let out a growl at that comment. Like everyone else in town, he has his parents under his thumb. Only he and Roman were aware that their adornment of him did not equal love. Just another lie.

Nate could feel the hatred emulating off of both men, so he intervened with a laugh. “Yeah, your crazy father needs help alright, mental--”

Roman spun around and shouted angrily “HOW DARE YOU?!” Everyone around him froze, Roman barely spoke up, much less yelled “HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT MY FATHER SO POORLY IN FRONT OF ME?! MY FATHER IS NOT CRAZY OR ANYTHING YOU PEOPLE CALL HIM! HE IS A GENIUS OUTSIDE OF HIS TIME! You don’t get to talk about him that way.”

Decarus couldn’t bite back his smirk “Yeah Nat, what were you thinking? How rude.”

Roman rolled his eyes and stomped home, ignoring Decarus’ catcalls. As soon as he was inside his house, he slammed the door shut and leaned against it, holding his face in his hand to cool down. He heard his father begin to sing and he couldn’t help but smile. Thomas’ voice was always a calming presence through his life and even inspired his love of singing.

Putting his basket on the table, he heads down to the basement book in hand, to his father hunched over his desk. He scribbled away, letting his greatest passion take control of his hands.

Thomas suddenly frowned and threw down his pencil in anger, making Roman laugh “Woah dad, what did that pencil do to you?”

Thomas turned and smiled at his son “It’s what it hasn’t done, it hasn’t finished the play for me.”

Roman laughed and gave his father a hug.

Thomas sighed and he gently patted Roman’s arm “I think I’m just going to give up on this one.”

Roman stood up and shook his head “Nope! You are going to finish this play, take it to the production company, they’ll say yes, we become rich and leave this place forever.”

Thomas smiled and looked around the room. Around his office are pictures Roman has drawn. Pictures of them living in mansions, castles, visiting different countries along with all the things they could buy. “You never give up on me, do you buddy?” Roman smiled “Sorry, it’s just how I am.”

“Then hand me a pencil! I’m finally going to finish this play!” Roman happily handed over the pencil and sat down in his chair. This was the only part of the daily routine Roman enjoyed. Thomas would write and Roman would read. They would escape their horrid world and go into ones only they could imagine. Plus, they were in the basement so if anyone came to the door, they would assume the two were not home. It was peace.

“How’s your day been so far, Ro?”

“Oh, it was amazing! I love been stalked, harassed, and whispered about every time I leave the house.” Roman rolled his eyes once he finished, adding effect to his statement. “Oh and Jon says hi.”

Thomas looked at him sympathetically, knowing there wasn’t much he could do for the son he loved so dearly. As he wrote, Thomas remembered how they got to this dreadful town.

Thomas was walking alone on a cold Christmas night, heading back to his empty apartment to spend his Christmas writing for the small newspaper company he worked for. Suddenly, a woman ran past him and knocked him to the ground. He got up and, just a few buildings ahead, he saw the woman put a small basket in front of the local city orphanage. He sighed as felt sympathy for the woman. Then the panic struck, the orphans and the caretakers were away to go ice skating across town. He knew this as he told stories to the orphan children who lived there every week.

As soon as the woman put the baby down, he began to cry as the warmth of his mother left him and the cold of the snow touched his face. Thomas called out to the woman but she only ran kept running. He tried to open the door to the orphanage but it was locked. He looked down at the screeching baby and felt his heart tugged. He gently scooped up the newborn and he immediately stops crying. Thomas smiles at the child, he has made up his mind.

He named him Roman.

As months past, Thomas decided a small cramped apartment was not a good place to raise a child. So Thomas quit his job, sold his apartment and moved to the very town they were in now.

In the beginning, it was amazing. As Roman recounted, the townspeople were very kind to them at first. Thomas worked at the bookstore with Jon part-time while spending his time writing his plays. The children would come to his door and he would tell them stories, like the children at the orphanage. When the adults found out, he made the mistake of inviting them to listen. They felt his stories were mad, unrealistic, and, of course, crazy. They told him to stay away from their kids and that he wouldn’t let them be corrupted. He should have known Roman would be next on their hate list.

Thomas smiled fondly at his son “Don’t worry son. It’s like you said, this play will be the start of the new life for us!”

Roman jumped up so quickly that his book went flying to the floor “You’re finished?!”

Thomas grinned and nodded, showing his creation to his son. Roman practically snatched the play and read it as quickly as he could.

Roman should be a biased critic since Thomas is his father. But Roman has read plenty of books to know what was good and what was bad. And he let his father know it.

“Dad...this is the most amazing play I have ever read! And the simple title of ‘Ultimate Storytime’ is just genius! You did it! You really did it! This is going to be the greatest play of all time.”

Thomas smiled shyly “You really think so?”

“I KNOW SO!”

“Then hitch up Foster! I have to get going!”

They spent the next hour getting all of Thomas’ things together for the trip. Food, a map, plenty of clothes, water, and his story tucked away in a secure briefcase.

Roman hugged his father goodbye “Good luck, and stay safe please.”

Thomas lovingly hugged back “Of course Ro. Now, remember to take care of yourself just as well as you take care of me. I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

“I love you, dad.”

“I love you too, son.” Thomas jumped onto his carriage and rode off with Foster. Roman waved until he couldn’t see them anymore before going inside to make some tea.

Thus the events that start our tale were set in motion.

~ Tag list:

@corkeecoderyt @Per-seph-o-nee @Ohshrekmyheck @3milystuff @Asymmetricalgarbage8888 @fairytailtwists @sanders-sides-rebloger @sanderssidesfluffyangst @unikornavenger @0callmevirge0 @gloomingwitch @roxiefox24 @ijustreallylovesanderssides @unisaurioamorfo

#thomas sanders #sanders sides #prinxiety #princxiety #Beauty and the Beast AU #roman sanders #sandersides #thomassanders #youtubers referenced #can you guess who is who?#collaberation #deciet sanders #villain deceit

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