#the voices have been stronger but i think bc they didnt get to talk yesterday they went all out todayy =w=bbb

[autism-corner]

whateverr :3

[narcissisticoptimist]

We have history

I.

I barely saw you. I mean, you were right there beside me, we hung out with our mutual friends numerous times. But you kept to the shadows.

The blinding light that was your best friend of the time blinded me for a long while too and it got scary not to see.

Until... i saw you

There u were. U were there all along and i loved your company and it was clear it was you.

We talked endlessly about so many topics for hours on end. We were as philosophycal as lonely and confused 14 year-olds can be.

I remember distinctly talking during christmas about your favorite kind of cake. I remember i was on vacation and you finally started conversation w me on your own but my internet was shit so we cut it short. I remember how frustrated i was that you never expressed care for me and that i tried so hard to get you to do so.

It was good but you had always kept to the shadows and you werent about to stop just bc you liked me back.

When i remember this time i can only talk about my perspective. And that pains me. But i was anxious and i was scared and i was confused.

I thought there was a way in which i *should* behave and i couldnt stray from that. I thought that was a way that in which you should behave and you strayed from that.

And i panicked.

So we stopped our long late night talks.

.

II.

There was still something that united us.

We played dnd and we had this deep bond. It was the four of us, me, you, her and him. We could do anything together, our very own midnight crew, facing the dangers of high school and relationships and mental illness together.

Except now, in my eyes, you glowed. I tried to stop it, i wasnt about to make the same mistake twice.

Still your eyes and your voice and our friendship burned in my heart.

I threw some coins and that was enough for me to decide to try again.

But i was anxious and i was scared and i was confused.

It felt wrong but i wanted it so bad. I forgive myself because i didnt know any better and i needed help and i needed company and i was but a product of my environment, i was someone who didnt think as critically as i thought i did and i kept insisting on this mistake that was so handsome and so funny and so warm to me.

Then my time ran out.

.

III.

24 hours of flight to japan and a few weeks later you were still in my mind.

"Ill do my best on this exchange year and ill forget him. Were just friends and thats all i can expect us to be." I lied to myself.

I hoped and fantasized abt coming back and us finally living the love story we were meant to live.

Until i actually *did* move on.

But i was still anxious and scared and confused.

Relationships scare the shit out of me. So it wasnt you, in a way. I just had to let myself deal with it alone and it felt good.

And i came back and we were just friends and it felt good.

You said to me one day "fuck i forgot how when youre here theres just this light and warmth around"

One day, in a feat i thought id never do, i said i love you to you but in the most platonic and sincere way, because i did. And you said it back.

Your friendship was great and it was unbelievable to be back somewhere i belonged after a year getting tossed around.

Until

My eyes played tricks on me again

Your smile, your laughter

But you were dating.

Your hair, your beard

But we were getting more tender

Your hugs, your smell

Then you broke up.

.

IV.

It was great timing, really. Kissing other people, something i was scared to do for the entirety of my 17 years of life suddenly wasnt so unfathomable.

And the same day i kissed for the first time, the same day i kissed a girl for the first time, the same day i kissed two people at once for the first time, i kissed *you* for the first time.

The exact same day you broke up w her. That night, i had no idea how you felt, but i wanted something and i got it.

It wasnt all that much honestly. Better than the others though.

The next day i went to school and i smiled the whole day. It was such a feat i had done. I, who was scared of phisical contact, who felt i had been toyed with by you, got kissed by you. And you liked it.

But it wasnt all flowers and sunshine. You felt troubled abt your break up and though we hugged and cuddled the next few times we saw each other, you never wanted to go further, you said you were confused.

But i was stronger and better, no longer anxious and scared and confused (or so i thought)

I kissed other people and moved on, you got more distant

I got more serious w someone and that blew up in my face

And you were there. I cried and so did you.

I try not to cry in front of others but youre on another level. You were so vulnerable w me. That was again, how our platonic friendship love flourished again.

I wanted to treasure that, not ruin it again just bc you were my first and apparently eternal crush.

But we kissed again

.

V.

And we kissed again. But it was no expectations, just fun. And it was a lot of fun.

We fooled around but you didnt pressure me. I did my best not to fantasize bc i know im prone to and we did well.

But yesterday was different.

Our fun was so much more tender and caring (while also painful like you like it)

We talked.

And it had been so long!

That took me off my guard just much as our kissing and our touching did. The fact that i had no expectations makes me so proud of myself. The fact that you said, word by word, that you wanted to fuck me, that expression of your want for me makes *me* so proud of *you*!

Because we have history, i know whats hard for you to say. I know your insecurities and you know mine. I can talk to you freely and so can you.

I hope we keep adding pages to our history.

.

BG

27/07/2019

[ruralbi]

dear diary, another one bites the dust to the baby boy curse. an older guy i know from the village has always been super nice to me. he stops by during my lunch break for a coffee pretty often and we do village trade, you know oh i have shoes that are too big do u know a poor bastard that needs shoes (yes) my friend is looking for an old car do u know anyone that sells one (yes) we exchange our parents' jams and talk construction. i try and advertise his wood haha (he sells stove wood idk how to say that in english). i always thought he found me funny, like ha a fairy how refreshing. and we do have a knack for village trade, we exchange goods and services very efficiently. but yesterday he was all like wow fancy you look really beautiful with your hair like that, which is very suspicious bc it was just down (its getting really long cause i still dont have leftover cash to leave at the hairdresser's i really need to get on that) and it was my lunchbreak so it was a mess since i never brush my hair for work. or maybe he's trying to b nice still but i think telling the local queen that he looks beautiful is a pretty big step for allyship. i did say thank you tho ill take it, and then almost in the same breath he asked me if i found a boyfriend yet which no??? everybody knows that. it's a local joke that im always single bc there's no other queers. i always want to say that there's plenty of baby boy syndrome sufferers but boyfriends? unheard of in this country.

last time someone asked me if i found a boyfriend it was my bar friend and he followed it with oh ill be your boyfriend and i had to say jason i dont think your wife will agree. i wish guys whomst kids i habitually have on my lap while they drink beers at the dive bar wouldnt ask me to suck their dick. like im friends with ur wife jason u r so rude. honestly it makes me sad. he laughed it off and said it was a joke so all is forgiven but :/

everybody straight till a femboy shows up :/ i think they think i dont count cause i look like a woman but i have a dick like the next bro jason. i mean i know its easy enough to ignore but that's not fun for me. i have enough of my not so ex for that.

talking abt him, our last face to face interaction was that he asked me to bring him a sandwhich (which i did why am i like this) and then he fucked my face while devil in ohio was playing in the background :((( my life is a joke. and he didnt touch my dick at all that time. he tried to come on my face but i wanted it in my mouth. it looks good in porn but i like my eyes cum free.

my coworker who i thinks likes me has taken to saying "fancy you dont listen" in a fond voice. he wants to come over to watch that lord of the rings show and i dont have the heart to tell him that my working class ass is not interacting with a jeff bezos production for all the dick in the world. anyway im still swearing off workplace dick. why do all the guys that are interested in me are otherwise unavailable? married, my coworker, straight.

i miss the alcoholic builder but he doesn't want to come around anymore bc he's trying to stop drinking. he says that we always have alcohol at the house so he's staying away. i told him aww baby come over ill hide the beers but no dice. maybe he just doesnt want to fuck anymore. my housemate told me he was hungover at work yesterday sooooo what is the truth :( btw talking abt my housemate, feminism win!

my not so ex lent us a tool and he made a point of explaining how to use it to her, not me. saying "fancy i know its too heavy for you to use" motherfucker i work manual labour just like you!!! anyway at least he's not misogynistic, the internalised homophobia is stronger.

there's a fair at the village today, my friend is playing music so everybody will be there. hopefully it all goes well. farmers market this morning, then i gotta go see my grandma then its the fair. busy busy.

i wonder if my gay dad will b at the fair. havent seen him in a while. do u know he told me he slept with my alcholic builder as well back in the day? after his second divorce apparently. he said he regretted it bc the dude was already an alcoholic back in the day. i didnt want to tell him that i'm doing him now cause he sounded so judgmental and he's already on my case for being a cheap slut and making bad life decisions. he says thats why married dudes r propositioning me, cause they heard im easy.

sometimes i wanna tell him well you're single as well :( and u just fuck ur neighbour that doesnt claim u as his boyfriend either, but theyve been doin that for years. thats probably going to b me when im an old queen with my not so ex. ill be lucky if he doesn't get married to some nice girl.

the other out dude in the county (i guess he's like my gay uncle) does have an official boyfriend, so it is possible. maybe ill get lucky. i also dont want to just settle for whoever isnt ashamed to be seen with me, i want someone i actually love.

:( feeling very down abt the state of things AND lonely AND horny which is a bad combination. i havent seen my not so ex in like a week. lets just say my best friend for him now that we're fucking regularly again, since he likes being my platonic friend so much thats what ill call him here.