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tragicdiary · 2 years ago

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I first watched “the virgin suicides” when I was thirteen years old. I remember sitting on my bed, stuffed with baby pink blankets and soft pillow as I was watching Cecilia Lisbon giving the best sentence ever given on cinematic universe;

"What are you doing here, honey? You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets.”

"Obviously, Doctor," she said, "you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl.”

✧ʚ .·:*¨༺♡༻¨*:·. ɞ✧

From that moment, I knew I had found my film.I had spent whole summer watching it again and again and again. Crying, I would try to analyze why the girls had done what they had done, but from an actual teenage girl perspective. I loved this movie so much. I loved the dialogue and the plot and the character. I was so mesmerized by it and I never knew why.

When I showed my friend this film, the first thing he said to me is “you are literally Lux in real life”. I wish I was making this up. I personally find myself in all of the sisters. mostly it is Lux though, because she likes to cry, heavy metal, cigarette-rotten boys, and…well, a rather deeper and much more depressing reason.

I was head over heels for Trip Fontaine. I hated him, but I was still in love him. He reminds me so much of my long term crush. The crush I had met on the first day of 7th grade. I was in love with him the second I laid my eyes on him, that’s not a joke. It’s been like that for the past four years and I still get butterflies everytime I catch him looking at me. I think of him every time Trip is on my screen. I know he is so much like Trip. so I hate him. but if I’m being honest, I would still probably act exactly like Lux.

By this point I’m probably fourteen. And I have watched the film fourteen hundred times, probably. I had decided it’s time to read the book, and I was not ready for it will cause me. Oh my god. The book. I must have read it more than any other person on this planet. It’s so good, and tragic and beautiful. It’s everything I wanted it to be, better even. To get a closer glimpse of the girl’s life was all I wished for, and I got much more than that.

I’m fifteen now. The age Lux killed herself. I’m going on sixteen, and it’s so weird and confusing for me. I cant pretend I’m happy of growing up, because I’m not. I don’t like the feeling of getting older. I don’t like knowing I should be more mature. That I should stop doing stupid things and expect nothing in return.

“The virgin suicides” is my life and I cant let it go. I never will. Even when I won’t be a teenage girl anymore, and maybe get over my crush, and stop smoking, and stop skipping, and maybe when I’m happy. It will always be in my heart and in my soul. And it is so important to me that it will. Because it kept me alive. I don’t mean literally, maybe I do, in some way. But I mean spirituality. It has kept me yearning for a purpose. Of not being like those five sisters who died too beautiful and too soon.

I read the book three times a year, give or take. And I watch the film once a month. Every month. In some weekend night where I can’t seem to stop crying. “The virgin suicides” is a masterpiece. It is the most beautiful and wonderful thing in this world. It is real and raw and special. I’m fifteen and I feel, so deeply, “the imprisonment of being a girl”.