#the unspoken notion of a proposal and marriage and it not being the right time or place is driving me insane

[unknownarmageddon]

cross stood a bit awkwardly, his brow furrowed as he stared at this mess of... things before him.

killer's goofy grin wavered just the slightest, and there was barely visible dip in his arm before he collected himself again.

"tadaa," he repeated, just as cheerful as the first time.

cross glanced at the little box in his hand, and glanced away nervously. "uhm."

killer's left eye scrunched a bit, confusion on his face as he lowered the small wooden box he was trying to give cross, "what's wrong?"

cross was looking everywhere but killer, his eyes focused on a nearby broken window, and he gripped his arm, frowning. he couldn't tell if this was one of killer's skits or not. the way it looked was striking cross oddly, and he didn't quite know what to do.

killer was kneeling, holding up a little box, and their campsite was set up vastly different than normal. it looked like... some kind of set up for something important, but he didn't know which option was the right one, or one he was okay with.

"...what's all this about," cross finally asked, and killer's head tilted, his grin going lopsided, one side ticking downwards at cross's less-than-enthused response.

"i dunno, i thought it'd be a nice surprise?"

"what kind of surprise," cross said back, a bit more sharply than he'd intended. it wasn't that he hated how much it looked like killer was proposing, no, perhaps if it were.. in a different time, he'd be less... averse.

"huh?" killer glanced back at the neat, comfortably made spot he'd set up in the backseat of a car, and then at the box and back at cross before his eyes widened and he started shaking his head, "wait- oh-- wait, no, shit okay-"

he stood up, dropping the box and reaching for cross, who took a half step back, his eyes narrowed, and killer let him go, his fingers curling in the air before he pulled his hand back and clasped them together, pressing his knuckles to his teeth as he hissed quietly, his brow furrowed.

cross crossed his arms, and frowned at the floor, not sure why he was reacting this way to the concept, the implications. killer let his hands fall as he started, "i wasn't-- i know what it looked like, but it wasn't-- i wouldn't. or i? w-would, but-"

killer looked increasingly embarrassed, or stressed?? as he fumbled with his words before finally blurting out, "valentines!"

cross blinked, and echoed, "valentines???"

killer slumped a bit, and groaned quietly, rubbing at his neck with a slightly pained expression, and he leaned down, picking up the little box and cracking it open, presenting it to cross.

rather than a ring, it was a little carving. the stray thought crossed his mind that killer was getting ridiculously good at carving. it was a small cat with an even smaller heart in it's tiny paws, as if it were playing with it.

cross's tense shoulders eased, his expression softening, and he reached forward to run a finger over the little carving, his eyelights trailing upwards to killer's crooked grin.

he looked apologetic, but sincere, hopeful even, and cross sighed as he shook his head, taking the little box and shutting it, setting it in his pocket as he muttered, "you fucking idiot."

killer's expression brightened, and he lit up, "do you like it?"

cross snorted, and pressed into killer's space, nosing his way into the warm space between killer's neck and his messy jacket fur, sighing as he embraced his stupid stupid companion.

"how did you even know if it was valentines or not?"

killer's arms slid around him, returning the hug tightly. cross could feel the chuckle in killer's chest, the echo of relieved joy cast from killer's soul, the organ hovering safely within cross's ribcage.

"i didn't. but, i figured, we should have one still. for, uh. for old timess sake."

cross squeezed him tighter to himself, and hummed. old times sake.

"...were you really that-"

"no."

"if-"

"yes."

killer's hold tightened, and cross could hear the smile on his voice. "where'd you wanna go, for the honeymoon?"

cross snorted and leaned back, knocking his forehead against killer's as he murmured, "i hear the backseat of cars are popular these days."

killer let out a delighted bubble of laughter, cackling and giggling even as cross nosed his way back to the crook of killer's neck to plant an affectionate kiss to his neck.

-p :]

if it were a different time, a different world, it would be someplace in the mountains.

AUGHHHHH????? AUGH??? AUGH. WAILING

[riddlecrux]

What is past is present: Azriel and Elain, Helion and Lady of Autumn Court

This post is going to be a long one. I will be talking about parallels between Helion - Lady of Autumn Court - Beron and Azriel - Elain - Lucien situation. How their relationships mirror each other, how the blood duel mentioned in ACOSF and ACOWAR will come to an end, but also how the first triangle was used as a plot device in ACOWAR. I believe it is not a coincidence that SJM decided to put these scenes and histories in the same book with such a short span of time passing between things happening on the pages of their story. I would like to say that this post is a pro Elriel meta, so if they are not your cup of tea please scroll past this. Many thanks to Gardening Tools, especially @silverlinedeyes !

We are going to start with the Lady of Autumn Court and the scene at the High Lord’s council. She is there with her husband, Beron and as the conversation surrounding Hybern increases in intensity, we are presented with a bit of background information about the Lady.

Lady of the Autumn Court had 2 sisters that died during Hybern's soldiers' attack. We got to see another family of three sisters, two of them dying for their sister. What's even more important is a mention of Hybern's war camps and how it's very unlikely for anyone to survive their time there.

Here Beron taunts Kallias by telling his mate that Hybern and his people probably torture and abuse women before killing them. (Please be sure to remember that because we're going to go back to this notion later in this post.)

Another big insight about Lady's life and this particular accident comes from no one else but Helion.

Few things that are very important to mention: - she had already given birth to a few of her children - Hybern directly attacked the estate they were in - her sisters let her run away because they loved her - she tried to fight and stay with them till they convinced her to run - the beasts sent by Hybern tailed her and finally cornered her in a trap

What Feyre says in this particular scene - about Helion knowing too many details holds great importance for the further quotes. We also get to know that, in fact, it was Helion who rescued the Lady - not only saved but found her. The setup, the build-up and the fact that it wasn't her "husband" that came for her are the main things I wish to bring attention to, as we are going to analyze different scenes from the same book with this knowledge.

He could have ended it differently, yet he didn't. Why? The question seems to be imprinted in Feyre's mind as she tries to connect the dots and points she was given, just like us readers. I do believe that what we are being presented with is the notion of the mating bond. Helion's rage at Lady's attack projects typical mate behavior - such as unnecessary violence against the ones who dared to hurt their mate. It also goes with the information of him finding her - how was that possible? Her husband wasn't there, it was Helion who essentially knew that something was wrong. How? Well, by applying the mating bond in this picture we can easily deduct few things: Helion probably felt her distraught through the bond, was able to locate her and save her.

Another insight given by Helion is about Lady's relationship with Beron. Not only it gives us information about her young age (cue to Rhysand's mother and how her young age was also brought up as something very disturbing and not in favour of some mating bonds), but also we get to know that her marriage was arranged. Just like the reader, Feyre is left with these very personal insights and detailed descriptions - so she presses Helion more, to speak, to see if her suspicions are correct.

Another person jumps into the conversation and it is Mor who hands the information of a possible romance between Lady and Helion. We learn that both of them met at an equinox ball before she was proposed with an arranged marriage with Beron. Feyre's curiosity is evident in the way she perks up at Mor's words. Helion on the other hand counter-attacks and provides us with the political background of the story. The Lady was basically left without a choice when it came to her love life.

Helion saved Beron's wife during the war. And Beron didn't know and still doesn't have an idea that it was Helion who saved the Lady.

Feyre tries to fish for more information - and Helion seems to be very reluctant to answer her question about his relationship with the Lady. It makes us think that, in fact, their relationship was somehow forbidden, being kept in secret. Moreover, what's even more interesting is the fact that we suddenly have a shift of focus on another person - Azriel. We are deliberately made aware of the fact that Azriel is listening to this important conversation.

We are starting to see Helion becoming slightly less humorous - Feyre can spot the difference between his usual self and the way he delivers his question. It suggests that the relationship and potential mating bond is a very touchy subject for him.

Their forbidden relationship went on for decades. They were secret lovers till Beron found about them. We see that contrast between the Lady with Helion - all brightness and smiles, Lady with Beron - withdrawn, timid, scared.

I clenched my teeth. “If you were her lover, why didn’t you stop it?” The wrong thing to say. Utterly wrong, by the dark fury that rippled across Helion’s face. “Beron is a High Lord, and she is his wife, mother of his brood. She chose to stay. Chose. And with the protocols and rules, Lady, you will find that most situations like the one you were in do not end well for those who interfere.”

Helion reacts with anger at Feyre's inquiry about his lack of participation in the case of the Lady's wellbeing. "Dark fury rippling across Helion's face" is also an interesting word choice. Again we are reminded that their romance was meant to end that way due to the notions of choice and politics.

“Beron never called you out for it?” “To publicly do so would be to admit that his possession made a fool of him. So we continue our little dance, these centuries later.” I somehow doubted that beneath that roguish charm and irreverence, Helion felt it was a dance at all.

Helion reminds us about politics that bind different Courts - in this case, we can easily see that the matter of choice in this example ends with Lady choosing duty over love. It also supplies us with an idea that if Helion would have wanted to fight for Lady he would need to participate in a blood duel. Yet, the Lady chose Beron - we don't know why Helion probably was left alone with the same question. However, by analyzing this situation I believe that Lady knew about the possibility of a blood duel happening she didn't want her potential mate to be hurt. So, in the end, she opted for a life in a loveless marriage with Beron. Furthermore, we have Rhysand and Feyre coming to the conclusion that Lucien is Helion's son - and he is the fruit of the loving relationship between Helion and the Lady.

What does this mean, though? Nothing—ultimately nothing. Other than the fact that Lucien might be Helion’s sole heir. And that … it changed nothing in this war. Especially not with Lucien on the continent, hunting that enchanted queen. A bird of flame … and a lord of fire. I wondered if they’d found each other yet.

The usage of the word "this war" is not a coincidence, as well as Rhysand's poor prediction of the future. Because as we know, right now - it changes a lot. Elain being his mate bounds him to the Night Court, so losing that relationship puts the Court at risk. Especially now, when Lucien doesn't know that Helion is his father. Another very important addition is the part about Lucien and Vassa. Feyre has prophetic tendencies and her thoughts about both Vassa and Lucien always focus on their... relationship. Not to mention that it was brought up after that whole conversation with Helion. With all these things above, I would like to move on to Elriel parallels. Starting with the Cauldron kidnapping Elain. Please bear in mind that this scene happens after the meeting with Helion, after learning about the story of Lady's and Helion's romance.

But Azriel asked softly, “What about Elain?”

The one who noticed that Elain was absent was Azriel, we can speculate whatever it was his intuition, his shadows, or perhaps some kind of feeling that made him aware of her absence. Yet, it's not a coincidence that another male character, the one who doesn't have an official mate is the only one who either felt/realized that she was taken. That's the first parallel I would love to bring to your attention - Helion was the one who found and rescued the Lady. Now, the situation is almost identical - Hybern attacks via Cauldron takes Elain to the war camps.

And what Hybern would do to Elain, might already be doing— From the shadows near the entrance to the tent, Azriel said, as if in answer to some unspoken debate, “I’m getting her back.” Nesta slid her gaze to the shadowsinger. Azriel’s hazel eyes glowed golden in the shadows. Nesta said, “Then you will die.” Azriel only repeated, rage glazing that stare, “I’m getting her back.”

Azriel reacts with rage, a silent debate raging within him. He is battling something deep inside him, which is obstructed from the reader's point of view. I wonder why? He is the one who swears to find her and rescue her. Also, worth mentioning how Feyre seems to realize the graveness of the situation - as if she can remember the conversation she had with Helion about what happened with sisters of the Lady of Autumn Court. War camps. Nobody would walk away from them alive.

We looked to Rhys, to Cassian and Nesta, to Mor—right as she appeared, breathless, between the tent flaps. Her eyes went to me, then the shadowsinger, and flared with shock and fear—

In this scene we also have Mor. Mor was present during Helion's conversation and gave input about their love and forbidden relationship. Mor that possess the power of Truth. Is it possible that Mor knew about the mating bond between Helion and the Lady? Is it possible that Mor knows about the truth of the mating bond between Lucien and Elain? Does Mor know about the potential mating bond between Azriel and Elain? There are so many questions and we don't get an answer. Mor keeps secrets, which is understandable yet it provides a whole new aspect of Mor being the one who realizes what's happening. (Not to mention that Mor is always present when Elain is with Lucien, assessing them.)

Screaming. A shadow gripped my shoulder, reminding me not to run. Ianthe would not run—would not show alarm. My mouth went dry as that scream sounded again. I couldn’t bear it—to let it go on, to see what was being done— Azriel’s shadow-hand grasped my own, tugging me closer. His rage rippled off his invisible form.

It is Azriel who reacts once again with - rage. At the thought of Elain being tortured, abused, or being killed. Feyre can't stomach the idea of what is happening to her sister in this war camp.

I could feel Jurian’s smile against my ear. “She’s in his tent. Chained with steel and a little spell from his favorite book.” Shit. Shit. Perhaps I should have gotten Helion, who could break almost any—

The mention of Helion is such a beautiful parallel. We, as readers, are amidst a rescue mission. A situation that was very similarly described few chapters before, a situation in which it was Helion in Azriel's shoes. In the past it was - Helion and Lady, here in the "future" we have - Azriel and Elain. The same circumstances - Hybern attack/Hybern powers, three sisters, and the only one is targeted, a savior that isn't husband/mate finding and rescuing the girl.

Azriel gently removed the gag from her mouth. “Are you hurt?” She shook her head, devouring the sight of him as if not quite believing it. “You came for me.” The shadowsinger only inclined his head.

I could write a whole meta about this quote because it's ridden with such enormous parallels and foreshadowing. Let's start with the simplest one, which is the word "devour". It has very strong connections to physicality, it basically means that Elain greedily took him in, he was her focal point at that moment. Also, the following addition of her not quite believing that, in fact, it is Azriel who arrived before her - she hadn't expected him to rescue her and you may be wondering why? It all beautifully goes with the idea of two mates/true mates theories - what is making me say this with so much certainty? Well, first of all, ACOWAR is full of descriptions of how a healthy mating bond works, for example, Feysand one. It's a bridge connecting two souls through which our emotions, thoughts can be perceived for the other person.

Find me, find me, find me, I tried shouting down that bond. But my mate’s wry voice didn’t answer. There was only the roaring void.

This happens at the begging of ACOWAR when Feyre tries to communicate with Rhysand through their mating bond. I find it very interesting that throughout the whole book the trope of "finding your true love, significant other" is very persistent. This brings me back to the theory that both Azriel and Helion heard their mates' cries of help and that's how they were able to rescue them and find them. In addition to that Elain's "you came for me" is striking so many questions. What does she mean? Why is she so docile and peaceful? As if she somehow had an idea that someone will come for her - did she perhaps inwardly call through the mating bond? This, again, brings us to another parallel - Beron doesn't know that it was Helion who rescued the Lady. Lucien doesn't know that it was Azriel who saved Elain - which, we really don't know if he even felt/knew that something has happened.

The hounds closed in, two breaking away—to cut to the side. To herd us. For that was a cliff at the other edge of the camp. A cliff with a very, very long drop, and unforgiving river below.

I'm bringing this up because the setting is oddly familiar with the run of Lady of Autumn's one. The isolated place, a trap etc.

Azriel’s roar echoed off the rocks as the hound slammed into him, dragging those shredding talons down his spine, his wings— The girl screamed, but Elain moved. As Azriel battled to keep them airborne, keep his grip on them, my sister sent a fierce kick into the beast’s face. Its eye. Another. Another. It bellowed, and Elain slammed her bare, muddy foot into its face again. The blow struck home. With a yelp of pain, it released its claws—and plunged into the ravine.

Parallel on parallel. We have Hybern's beasts, we have a similar setting again and fight. What is different, however, is that in Helion's case it was solely him that destroyed beasts while rescuing the Lady. Here, however, it is Elain that fights against beasts - she who had never trained, she who is a gardener is fighting against evil. She is kicking as the beasts hurt Azriel. She took the initiative and killed the beast at that moment when they previously hurt Azriel. Also, the most beautiful comparison in my opinion is the fact that after Elain knocks the beast it falls down the ravine, dying. It is somehow very symbolic that Elain kills the beast that falls into the ravine, whereas Lady of Autumn is stuck in the ravine as beasts approach her and it is the moment when Helion saves her.

The gray light of morning had broken over the world, mist clinging to our ankles as we headed into that camp, Azriel still cradling Elain to his chest. He dripped blood behind him the entire time—a trickle compared to the torrent that should be leaking out.

After that intense battle, they arrive in the safety, but Azriel still holds on Elain even if he himself is bleeding all over the place.

Rhys lunged for Azriel, taking Elain from him and gently setting my sister down. Azriel rasped, swaying on his feet, “We need Helion to get these chains off her.” Yet Elain didn’t seem to notice them as she rose up on her toes and kissed the shadowsinger’s cheek.

Another mention of Helion in that very parallel setting. He was very present during the rescue mission, which is a neat way of showering the audience with foreshadowing. If I wanted to indulge even more in the symbolism of this scene, I would point out that the chains on Elain are very symbolic as well. They could either mean the restrain of her powers, but also the chains of the "lack of freedom", "lack of choice". Being freed by both Azriel and Helion is something that I believe is very important to remember while waiting for the next book. Because even if Elain is a mirror to Lady - Elain will change the course of her story. Elain is going to choose love over duty, she will choose Azriel - which ends with them discovering that, in fact, the bond was there from the beginning. Helion getting rid of those chains is also a metaphor for what is to come. He will break Lady's chains by fighting with Beron during the blood duel. In this timeline, Azriel and Elain are symbolism of healthy love, mating bond, freedom of choice. Lucien doesn't mirror Beron, because he himself doesn't want to be with Elain since both of them don't feel comfortable with each other, they are making each other miserable. Not to mention the fact that their mating bond is... very weak and through the ACOWAR and ACOSF we see that it is different from the true mating bonds that are present in the universe. Azriel-Elain-Lucien triangle will break the past wheel of unhappiness and forced love, changing it by their own rules of free choice. As for Helion-Lady-Beron love story, if I may be so bold, the blood duel is going to happen and Beron will die - freeing Lady and Helion from him and politics that kept them away. If you are still not sure if these two situations are foreshadowing I would love to put this quote as the ending of this very long meta.

Azriel shrugged. “We—Rhys, Cass, and I—will occasionally remind each other that what we think to be our greatest weakness can sometimes be our biggest strength. And that the most unlikely person can alter the course of history.”

And as you can guess, that very unlikely person who altered the course of history in ACOWAR was Elain when she killed King of Hybern.

[buddiewho]

I’m catching up and honestly, the best bit of the brawl episode was the last five seconds.

Everything else disappeared. Sure, I understood this storytelling of Eddie and hearts. Anyway- I had seen the gifs of the above scene, but in real time it’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen. Who cares about anything else? Seriously, this right here made me go, what episode, what show I’m just going to live right here? Oh yeah, the episode piled on more trauma that yes Eddie can assuage for a little bit, but eventually we need to talk about it. The exasperated look Buck has when they’re being held by gun point is really something too. Just one thing after another and now it’s different. There’s this notion that both of them need to survive this situation. Both of them need to make it out alive.

This could get longer. I am going to keep on watching. Ghost stories, pulled that classic storytelling shit 911 does. People looking to the past. People becoming like ghosts in other people’s lives. Or the past being like a lingering ghost, a haunting that is still there whether or not you talk about it. May being the one with the sense to say to her Dad, we’re not talking to each other. Maybe that’s what we need to do. She’s so right. Everyone needs to start properly communicating. No secrets. Also, I didn’t realize how much I missed Chim. This episode also makes me also think about unspoken words. Things left unspoken, and there are some characters who speak out or talk to each other in this episode and some who do not. And there may be no need for it right now, as Eli pointed out to Chim when it comes to Maddie. Perhaps it’s not best to show up and want to talk about anything, because of that voice in her head. Eli and May being voices of reason and well in the present while everyone else is chasing ghosts.

Family. Marriage proposals. Huh. I don’t know but everything seems obviously on track to where we want. I mean we’re conducting stories for the mains and the side stories for characters like Mitchell etc. It’s just like if everything falls into place then there’s nowhere else this could go. Also, there’s something about how just briefly Buck and Eddie were separated on a few calls prior to the cell block episode- Eddie becoming a ghost in ghost stories (come on a man was buried alive), like that’s not a reminder of something and then here in this episode (Defend in Place) Buck and Eddie are back at it. The team can seamlessly work no matter who their partner is but of course, to us that word partner has multiple meanings when it comes to Buck and Eddie. Eddie breaking under the supposed loss of the children, oof the potency of that, but we’re still burying that on top of everything else. We’re still pushing it all down.

Past is Prologue. I just have a lot of feelings about the title. Prologue insinuates a beginning, but it’s usually a way to give context to a past in a story (the Hobbit is literally a giant prologue to Frodo and Sam’s journey). In 911 context, (and much like Bilbo his whole life) the characters are stuck in the past, clinging to mistakes. The prologue is the past and usually while reading a book that gets left behind. Then you have the story in the middle, and eventually the ending, sometimes an epilogue which insinuates a future. Defend in place=be in the present. Past is Prologue= somehow we got to leave the past behind. Don’t chase the ghosts. Don’t keep secrets. Leave it behind and what’s left? The future. It’s damn scary to think about. And it’s damn scary to say it out loud, but it can no longer be left unspoken. And no, the unspoken words thing has nothing to do with Buck and Taylor. The Prologue is hers alone so someone has to leave it behind. Technically, Buck and Eddie are deep into their own prologue (the shooting) and have yet to talk about that because it’s how we get to the future. I feel as if this episode is saying that Buck should be in it with Taylor, but it’s funny because he did the same thing with Abby. He stepped inside and…so I think, what happens is Buck does exactly as he was told. He figures out her running off and being weird isn’t about breaking up (necessarily) so he’s going to step inside the situation and be there even when she says she has to do it alone. And yet, it’s going to feel lackluster, like he’s stuck in a perpetual prologue. It’s still missing something, and eventually Buck will realize I didn’t want to step in (he can’t help himself though, it’s who he is) but then he realizes, I’m in it and now I’m going to be the one who has to do the breaking up, the leaving behind (made worse by the confusing and seemingly obligatory I love yous at the end, which to me kinda feel like saying it affectionately to a friend, something not even Buck and Eddie have done? …)

And among all of this drama reminiscent of telenovelas, are drawn parallels to relationships. Never over Eddie being like oh Clive and Toni were a thing and Hen being all like “right? I wasn’t imagining that.” Toni says later on, “the past is the past just leave it there.” Buck and Taylor have a past and earlier on Buck even said the damn title “past is prologue” and he feels he and T have reached that so called beginning that brings up a past. Yet, I hold onto the notion that it’s her prologue and yes, you can be a helping hand to an extent, but not lose yourself in it. Oh, and holy moly didn’t expect Hen to tell her mother to look to a future and step into it with Clive. Okay, fine. The blip of Gabi and Chloe, a new found relationship, a literal beginning…Clive and Toni a long lost love. Bathena being their chaotic role playing selves. Still unsure of where it leaves Buck and Taylor…in limbo? (<which technically, you can also say that Buck and Eddie are in a limbo too?) Even with all the parallels…it doesn’t make me suddenly believe Buck and Taylor are in it for the long haul.

Honestly, I figured I might come out a little defeated, but it feels like the storytelling techniques track. There’s always been this need to tie the present, past and future story to the title. Therefore, I also now find that my villain origin story 4x03 Future Tense must be a literal hint.

To end this long post and nutshell my feelings:

[duxhess-kryzewan]

Obi-wan saving Satine from a suitor, and then lots of fluff and cuddling.

- This Love - 

During his time on the run with Qui-Gon and Satine he had become somewhat of an expert on the history of Mandalorian culture and the various clans that make up its people. Satine of course had hailed from Clan Kryze. Many long days and nights were spent discussing the history of her people and it's various leaders throughout its time as an established civilization. It had helped them pass the time. 

That said, he only remembered so much from that ongoing history lesson. Too many things had been slowly compiling themselves in his brain and he had long since forgotten some of the specifics when it came to the differing clans. Satine would surely chastise him if he were ever to let her know that.

He does know however that she tries to maintain a steady line of communication with all the major houses that the clans compiled in order to keep peace between them. 

One of her guards had informed him that she was in the middle of a House meeting when he landed on Mandalore. He had finished a simple extraction mission on one of the other outer rim planets earlier than expected and had decided to sneak away and visit her while he had the time. What little he ever had to spare was precious and all the better when he was able to see her. 

Of course he had told her guards that it wasn't necessary to disturb her meeting to inform her of his arrival; force knows that he would never hear the end of it if he were to interrupt her while she was conducting her duties as Duchess. She may be just as thrilled to see him as he was her, but they both had a mutual understanding that their duties would always come first.

"It's fine," He insisted, "I'm sure the Duchess would be less than pleased should her meeting intruded upon. I'll fair out just fine, I tend to know my way around here."

"As you wish, Master Kenobi." The guardsman had said before retreating down the hallway. It was true, he had spent enough time over the past year or so in Sundari Palace that he knew his way around without a guide. Thankfully he was able to operate under the guise of being a liaison for the Republic instead of simply coming for personal reasons, which was the case more often than not. 

He had been roaming the halls of the palace close to her throne room while he waited. The pieces of their culture was something one could easily get lost in, and the palace had no shortage of historical artifacts and antiquities to delve into. All the better for him; her meeting had a tendency to drag and there was only so long he could hover in one place waiting for her. 

Her voice always pulled him out of whatever trance he was in, and today was no different. Something in his chest fluttered every time her voice graced his ears. 

He took his time though to head down the hallway; it was obvious she was still speaking with one of the House members even as they finished the meeting. It was a voice he hadn't recognized; a new representative perhaps. 

He stops dead in his tracks though when he finally makes out what the voice was saying.

"-And the other clan leaders as well as the house leaders think it best you are appointed someone."

"A suitor?"

The man cleared his throat, "Yes, they see it fit. The people are satisfied for now with your ruling however the clans worry that you will start to loose public support without a male figure at your side."

There no mistaking the annoyance in her voice despite how well she had tried to hide it.

"I find it highly inappropriate that a matter was discussed without consulting my council first, let alone something so personal and belittling as appointing me a consort." 

Something about her being appointed a suitor stirred something both primal and worrisome inside of him. It was but another series of events that had him questioning his decision not to stay with her all those years ago. He certainly wouldn't have to worry about her being courted by someone else, let alone have them be a proponent for marriage. 

He does his best to squash those feelings as they come though, jealously was very unbecoming of a Jedi. And in truth he really had no claim on her. As loyal as they were to one another in regards to whatever their relationship was, deep down he understood that there was always the possibility she would move on without him. And why shouldn't she? He could never give her everything he deserved. He wanted her to be happy no matter how much it was harm him. 

That said though, he knows just how much she would loathe being forced into something. 

"It's simply a matter of maintaining an effective leadership and not a personal slight against you, your grace. It's why I was slotted to attend the meeting. My influence among House Kast has been vital in the past years and has permeated throughout a number of clans and would be nothing but beneficial to you." The man says, the assurance to his tone only serving to get under Obi-Wans skin even more. 

He can sense the change of her emotions through her force signature; the sharp shift from displeased to both swelling anger and unmistakable panic.

Whoever it was that was speaking to her head only been in that meeting for one reason; to propose himself as a probable suitor to the Duchess. Part of him wanted to scoff at the notion that Satine was any less than capable of ruling Mandalore. She was a strong leader in her own right and commanded respect; the idea that she would ever need a male figure at her side to continue to win over her people was downright insulting to her capabilities. 

It took him only a second for him to decide what to do.

“They sent you to propose-” 

“Duchess.” 

He had rounded the corner just as she had begun to speak, catching both her and the house member off guard. Normally he wouldn’t dare interrupt her. She was more than capable of handling herself, but he couldn’t bare to hear anymore of the conversation. It was selfish on his part, he knew, but she would have to forgive him.

“Master Kenobi.” She says, not even bothering to hide her surprise at his sudden appearance.

“Pardon me,” He says, “I hope I’m not interrupting.”

The man was a bit younger than he had imagined; his dark eyes matching the inky color of his hair. Certainly not what he ever would have pictured. The contrast between him and Satine’s bright eyes and golden hair was striking and he couldn’t ever imagine her with someone so tenebrous.

“Of course not.” She answers quickly, “We were just finished.”

The man - whose name he has no interest in learning - looks both dejected and a touch angry. 

“Actually Duchess,” He begins, “I was hoping we’d be able to continue our conversation-”

Satine tears her eyes away from Obi-Wan and looks back to him, “Our conversation was through the moment you spoke of my ability to rule on my own. If your house has issue with it than you most certainly can address it with my council. Now if you don’t mind, I have other matters to attend too. I’m sure the guards can see you out.”

Without sparing another glance at the man she starts heading down the hallway in his direction, all but beckoning him to follow. Of course he maintains an appropriate distance from her; he couldn’t imagine the scandal it would cause if someone got wind of his occasional visits being anything more than business driven. 

He doesn’t bother asking where they’re headed; he knows the way to her chambers like the back of his hand these days. Besides, the anger from the conversation was radiating off of her so strongly that he wouldn’t have even needed the force to sense it. The tension was more than palpable.

Her chambers are quiet; the guards that would normally wander about the halls no where in sight and the moment that the doors of her private quarters slide shut behind them she grabs him briskly by the shoulders and crashes her lips to his.

Its raw and primal and just a little bit desperate, not at all what he’s used to from her but he wastes no time in cupping her face between his hands and kissing her back with just as much fire. He knows whats happening, that she’s trying to prove a point that there wasn’t anyone she would touch so scandalously but him.

“I would never even consider a consort of any kind.” She says firmly when she breaks the kiss, “Never. I am capable of leading alone and there is nobody in the galaxy I would want next to me.”

He understands the unspoken words. Nobody in the galaxy other than him. She didn’t need to say it. He knew.

He kisses her this time. He wants her to know that he understands, that perhaps they would never be able to fully belong to one another in front of anyone else, but that they have willingly given each other a piece of themselves. 

“You’re brilliant,” He assures her, “You’re strong and wise and one of the most formidable leaders I’ve ever known. They are foolish to ever doubt your ability to lead on your own.”

He can feel her force signature soften under his words and finally she manages to smile the slightest bit at him.

“Thank you, Obi-Wan.” She says lightly, before her soft smile morphs itself into a wicked grin, “It’s been too long since you’ve come to see me.”

He doesn’t even protest when she grabs his hands and drags him towards her bedroom. 

---- 

Later, hours into the night, they lay awake in her bed, his hand trailing up and down the length of her spine while she lay against his bare chest. It was the most at peace he had felt in months.

She lifts her head up and rests her chin against the center of his chest, blue eyes shining with something he doesn’t quite recognize. Something made of both happiness and sadness, perhaps?

“I’ve tried, you know.” She begins.

He merely raises an eyebrow in response. 

“To move on,” She clarifies, “I thought perhaps that one day I’d be able to find someone to else. Someone to marry and rule Mandalore by my side.”

She drops her head on its side and nuzzles it against him, her hand finding his free one and gripping it tightly, “But I could never. There is no one else, Obi-Wan, and I don’t want you to ever doubt that.”

He loves her, more than he could even begin to explain. He would never be able to be with her in all the ways she so desperately deserves, but something inside of him would break should she ever find someone new.

“There’s never been another soul in the galaxy I’ve felt about in the same way I feel about you, Satine.” He tells her gently, “There won’t ever be anyone else for me either. You’re it, and I am so dreadfully sorry I can’t be by your side in all the ways you deserve.”

She raises her head up once more to look him in the eyes, “I love you as you are, protector of the galaxy and all. And while I want you here forever, I know we made our choices for the right reasons.”

He smiles at her, “And I love you, Satine.”

It’s the first time he’s ever been able to say the words aloud. She’s always known, always understood his way of life made it difficult to say it, but here and now he wants to make sure she never has to wonder how he feels. 

Her smile lights up something inside of him and he vows then and there that once the war was over, he would be by her side. 

Always. 

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hello darling! Are you still doing fic recs? Because I am in dire need of self-conscious Sherlock. Don't ask me why but I am just craving sad, lonely little sherlock getting comforted by John. Help a girl out? Thanks so much either way!

Anonymous said to inevitably-johnlocked: Heyy darling, I just wanna say that I LOVE YOUR BLOG SM! Everyday I spend here looking at your posts and reading thousands of awesome fanfictions, so thank you lol 💜 Also, could you maybe give me a list of all fanfics with insecure!sherlock or insecure!john ? And lots of angst, like reading/watching/seeing things they weren’t supposed to see that has their love on it, stuff like that hahaha Thank you babe 🖤

Hi Lovelies! 

Always! I actually started a list a short while back because someone else asked for one but I can’t find the ask, LOL. I’ve actually done a post in the past for it, but I think I’ll just redo it and stamp it with Jan 2019, LOL. Here we are!

I know I have more but I haven’t retagged all my past readings, so I’ve only included ones that I remember indefinitely is an insecure Sherlock or John

INSECURE / AWKWARD SHERLOCK OR JOHN (Jan. 2019)

See also:

BedSharing Pt. 2 and Insecure Sherlock

BAMF! But Insecure John

Bands by dragonQuill907 (T, 1,017 w. || Established Relationship, POV Sherlock, Anxious Sherlock) – “Her wedding ring. Ten years old at least. The rest of her jewelry has been regularly cleaned, but not her wedding ring. State of her marriage right there. The inside of the ring is shinier than the outside – that means it’s regularly removed. The only polishing it gets is when she works it off her finger.”

Secrets by 796116311389 (G, 1,084 w. || Drunk Sherlock, Drunk Confessions, Angst, Fluff, Happy Ending, Pining Sherlock) – “He is the best person in the world and sometimes I get sad because I’m not. Not his best person.”

Under The Covers by berlynn_wohl (E, 1,221 w. || Est. Rel., Shy Sherlock, Anal, Fluff) – John would have liked to have the lights on and seen everything, but Sherlock was shy, so they did it this way, always.

29 January 2017 by wearitcounts (Sher_locked_up) (E, 1,765 w. || Anniversary, First Time, Insecure Sherlock, Love Confessions, Post-S4) – “That,” John says, “should have happened years ago. Maybe even the first time.”

Loudly Unspoken by Mount_Seleya (M, 1,871 w. || Post-TAB, Love Confessions, Vulnerable Sherlock, Frottage) – John confronts Sherlock about the words he left unsaid on the tarmac. Set immediately after TAB.

The Marriage Proposal Negotiation by Goddess_of_the_Night (G, 2,161 w. || Dev. Rel., Possessive Sherlock, Insecure Sherlock, Fluff, First Kiss, Post Mary) – Sherlock hasn’t ever really done anything the traditional way, so of course it wouldn’t bother him to propose to John even though they’re not even dating. And the fact that John is already on a date with someone else when he decides to do it? Tedious.

Unmissed by 221b_hound (M, 3,235 w. || Est. Rel., Pet Names, Insecure Sherlock, Worried Sherlock) – John enjoys a good brawl during a case, and Sherlock begins to worry - when they retire, will John get bored? Will John get bored and leave. But even if John isn’t a genius about cases, he knows a thing or two about Sherlock’s panic attacks about them as a couple. With only four days till the wedding, he’s not about to let Sherlock continue with this misplaced notion that John will be bored in retirement. Part 20 of Unkissed

Untouched by KittieHill (E, 3,239 w. || Kissing, Frottage, Virgin Sherlock, Body Worship, Sherlock’s Scars Mentioned, Masturbation, PWP, Rimming) – Sherlock leaked a lot. John had never needed lubricant. John loved watching it, had once spent an entire afternoon edging Sherlock so he could watch as the thick precome drip, drip, dripped onto Sherlock’s belly.

Acceptable Behaviour by bbcatemysoul (M, 3,449 w. || Fluff, Dev. Rel., Miscommunication, First Time) – Sherlock isn’t really sure why John wants to shag him, but he’s certain that if he’s careful to behave properly about it, John can be persuaded to keep doing it. In other news, John is a good boyfriend and Sherlock is an idiot.

In Nomine by Atiki (E, 3,517 w. || Est. Rel., PWP, Anal, Domesticity, Love Confessions, Sherlock Loves John, Overwhelmed Sherlock) – “Alright?” John asks gently, planting a kiss on Sherlock’s left collar bone, smoothing a hand down his chest and belly until it rests in the soft trail of hair below his belly button. John’s smile is all soft and warm. His hand feels tender and solid and real. A soldier’s hand. A surgeon’s hand. A lover’s hand. Oh. “John”, Sherlock gasps. And that’s where it begins. Written for a prompt on the Kink Meme: The only word Sherlock says during sex is “John”.

MR# 1430155 by blueink3 (T, 3,560 w. || Talks of Parentlock, Baby Watson, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Fluff and Angst) – John paces the length of the not inconsiderable hallway and glances at his phone for the tenth time since he exited the hospital room seven minutes ago. Sherlock’s last text was sent at 5:06pm. It is now 5:39pm. He should be here by now. After all, his daughter is 46-minutes-old and if John is going to share this momentous event with someone, it sure as hell isn’t going to be the woman who just gave birth to her.Part 5 of Tumblr Prompts

Rumpled by WhimsicalEthnographies (E, 3,601 w. || Est. Rel., Insecure Sherlock, Fluff, PWP, Proposal, Bottomlock) – Then, halfway through a documentary on river otters that neither of them was paying attention to–how could John, with a gangly, limp consulting detective practically purring in his lap?–Sherlock suddenly bolted upright, looked at John with a perplexed expression and a crinkle above his nose, and blurted, “Marry me.” Part 4 of Longitudinal Cohort

Last Christmas by Mazarin221b (T, 3,911 w. || Fluff, Pining Sherlock, First Kiss) – That Earth-shaking revelation, then, leads to a problem, and one that Sherlock realizes should be solved quickly, before John’s dates turn into girlfriends or boyfriends, because sometimes girlfriends or boyfriends can turn into wives or husbands while your back is turned. Every time John hums happily at the mirror as he shaves, splashes on a little gift cologne Mrs. Hudson bought him for Christmas, Sherlock is drawn back to that night by the fire, and the way John’s touch had made the world stand still.

Hope Springs Eternal by QuinnAnderson  (T, 4,054 w. || Friends to Lovers, Pining Sherlock, Vacation, Anxious Sherlock, Love Confessions, Fluff, Requited Love) – John Watson and Sherlock Holmes go on holiday, and Sherlock has romance on the brain.

Everything by patternofdefiance (E, 4,409 w. || Snuggles and Cuddles, Bed Sharing, Frottage, Vulnerable Sherlock) – John wakes up with an armful of Sherlock.This – situation – is unusual, yes, and definitely unfamiliar, but in no way does it feel wrong.Rather, it feels the exact opposite. Part 13 of I Blame Tumblr

a violent flash of purple by hudders-and-hiddles (E, 4,749 w. || Sex Toys, Friends to Lovers, PWP, Love Confessions, Porn With Feelings) – When Sherlock accidentally drops his towel, he ends up revealing a whole lot more than he’d intended.

Bed-Sharing Between Flatmates by testosterone_tea (T, 5,053 w. || 5 and Ones, Bed Sharing, PTSD John, Science, Whump, Insecure Sherlock, Asexual Sherlock) – 5 times Sherlock had an excuse to share John’s bed, and the one time he didn’t need one.

The Only Available Transportation by blueink3 (T, 5,379 w. || Post S4, Fluff and Angst, Insecure Sherlock, Caring John, Parentlock, Sherlock’s Birthday, Family, Misunderstandings) – It’s possibly the desperation that’s seeped into his voice despite his best intentions, or perhaps it’s just a mother’s intuition, but she knows that whatever he’s calling about is Serious, hangover be damned. “What’s happened?” she asks, tone soft and as comforting as a hot cup of tea on a cold winter’s night. “Mummy,” he begins, voice catching. “I think John may be moving out.”

Tease You Till You Come by phoenix089 (E, 6,090 w. || First Time, Clueless Sherlock, Texting) – Initially, Sherlock was rather put out by John’s lack of presence on the case. But then he starts to receive pictures, several of them, of an unexpected nature. The case is forgotten rather quickly after that.

All the Flavours, Cherry and More by cwb (E, 6,274 w. || Est. Rel., Lip Gloss, Lingerie, Birthday Presents, Insecure Sherlock) – Sherlock feels a blush rising to touch his cheeks, more sensual than uncomfortable now that he knows John isn’t disgusted by him. No, John is responding exactly the way he had hoped.

The Inciting Incident by beetlemate (M, 6,291 w. || Masturbation, Embarassed Sherlock, Inexperienced Sherlock, Fluff, Friends to Lovers) – John catches Sherlock in a compromising position. With a secret photograph. He absolutely must know what is in that bloody photograph.

The Strait of Juan de Fuca by mightypog (T, 6,400 w. || Vacation, Love Confessions, Friends to Lovers, Canada, Post-TRF, Love Confessions) – Sherlock is back and all seems forgiven, but something is missing between him and John. Their friendship initially appears intact, but Sherlock doesn’t understand why John seems to be slipping away. Finally, in terror, he tries to reconnect with John by taking him to the one place that seems to inspire any emotional interest in John any more: the Canadian wilderness. While there, Sherlock faces his greatest fear.

Inside by magikspell (E, 6,757 w. || Loss of Virginity, Anal / Rimming, Fluff, Humour, Awkwardness, Shy Sherlock, Bottomlock) – “Being inside someone. Feeling someone inside you.”

Abatement by WhimsicalEthnographies (E, 6,816 w. || Est. Rel., Retirementlock, Fluff, Sherlock’s Self Esteem, Grumpy Sherlock) – “What’s wrong with you? You love the cottage,” John glances over to the passenger seat, then quickly turns his eyes back to the road. Driving was still not his forte, but considering Sherlock still couldn’t properly bend and lift his new knee enough to press and release the clutch, he had to make do. Not that Sherlock hadn’t tried to argue his way into the driver’s seat. “I love the cottage for a week or two, John. Don’t be deliberately obstuse,” Sherlock grumbles, sinking further in his seat. Well, as best he can with a four-week-old knee replacement. “And that’s all we’re going for, love,” John says out loud. But what he’s thinking is, shit. He knows.

High and Tight, Soft and Loose by cwb (E, 7,429 w. || Jealous John, Miscommunications / Misunderstandings, First Kiss / Time, BAMF John, Insecure Sherlock, Clueless Sherlock, Junk Size, UST / RST) – John pressed the knuckle of his index finger against his mouth and sighed. “So, you’re coiled like a spring and ready to be … sprung?” “If you want to be pedestrian about it, yes.” “Like I said, you should do something about that.” “And like I said, pedestrian. What would you have me do? Take up jogging? Yoga? Oh! Unless you mean –” “I don’t mean anything. Let’s drop it.”

The T-Shirt Thief by allroadsleadbacktobakerstreet (T, 7,968 w. || Mutual Pining, Post Canon Fix It, Dev. Rel., First Kiss, Domestics) – Sherlock steals John’s t-shirt from the laundry. John catches him wearing it one evening, fluff ensues with an endeared yet teasing John?

Drive by lifeonmars (M, 9,537 w. || Virginity, Awkward First Times, Minor Injuries) – John and Sherlock are stranded by the roadside, and John is injured. They need to spend the night in the back of a humvee. Sherlock is confused. John is understanding.

The Thin Line by Odamaki (M, 10,809 w. || Virgin Sherlock, Awkwardness, Confessions, First Times, Anal) – John swallows. Keeps his eyes on Sherlock. Begs him not to ruin him.Sherlock leans forward over the witness box ever-so slightly, “I was distracted,” he informs the court, “by my partner, John Watson.”

the first day of forever by darcylindbergh (E, 11,850 w. || Est. Relationship, Domestics, Light Angst, Insecurity, Emotional H/C) – “I’m going to marry you,” John murmurs with against Sherlock’s smile, and they both giggle in the joy of it. “We’re getting married.”“Yes,” Sherlock says, just to hear himself say it out loud. “We are.” A June wedding. Part 4 of things fairy tales are made of

And Here We Are by J_Baillier (T, 12,416 w. || ASiP Fic, Alternating First Person POV, Drama, Friendship, Mild Case Fic, Autism Spectrum Sherlock, Insecure Sherlock, Protective John, Pining, Homophobia, Loneliness, Angst, Humour, Domestics, Morbid Fluff, Kidnapping) – All the little things we never got to see when an army doctor and a consulting detective were adjusting to sharing a flat. And a life.

Let’s Make a Bed Out in the Rain by theimprobable1 (M, 17,664 w. || Pining Sherlock, Angst & Fluff, First Kiss, Unrequited, Jealous Sherlock, Protective Sherlock) – John is devastated after his long-term girlfriend leaves him. Sherlock helps him through it.

For you, there’s only me by shock_blanket (E, 19,557 w. || Jealous Idiots, Virgin Sherlock, UST/RST, Pining, Miscommunication, First Kiss / Time, Insecure Sherlock, Masturbation) – Sherlock realizes he has fallen in love with John, but believes he is unlovable. Cue lots of pining and jealousy on Sherlock’s part, followed by our favorite cuddly marksman making it all better. Because for Sherlock, there’s only John.

A Life Well-Lived by Kate_Lear (E, 20,121 w. || Original Male Character, Sherlock Woos John, Jealous Sherlock, Reluctant Bi-John) – John got scared off men by an abusive past relationship. Sherlock has to try and woo him while not scaring him off with protective possessive rage.

The Real Meaning of Idioms by feverishsea (T, 21,691 w. || Texting, Humour, Post S2, Awkward Romance) - After two weeks away, John finally texts Sherlock. He doesn’t expect Sherlock to respond. He doesn’t expect Sherlock to keep texting him. And he really doesn’t expect things to spiral out of control so rapidly.

5 Times John Got the Girl (and lost her) and 1 Time John Got the Guy (and kept him) by LiviKate (M, 21,695 w. || 5 and Ones, Kissing, Oblivious / Awkward Sherlock, BAMF / Sexy / Stud John, Embarassed John, John’s Scar, Hurt/Comfort, Jealous Sherlock) – John has always had good luck with the ladies. He’s charming, friendly and funny, not to mention great in bed. However, his usual skill with the opposite sex is constantly being thwarted by Sherlock and his outbursts. How will John ever get a leg over when Sherlock is always cockblocking him?

State of Flux by Atiki (E, 24,655 w. || Sherlock POV, Slow Burn, First Kiss/Time, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Cuddles and Snuggles, Awkwardness, Insecure/Virgin Sherlock, Romance) – John’s marriage is over and he is finally back home (i.e. at Baker Street, where he belongs). Sherlock is awfully insecure and John is awfully hesitant, and they’re both awkward idiots, of course, but they figure it out. Many First Times happen.

An Acquired Taste by kinklock (E, 31,059 w. || Vampires AU || Vampire Sherlock, Misunderstandings, Bat!Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Humour, Magical Realism, Fluff and Angst, Blood Drinking, Holmes Family, Slow Burn) – At Montague Street when Sherlock was forced to sate his body’s needs, he was at least able to wander about the flat as much as he pleased.At Baker Street, it was mini-bags in a mini-fridge and bedroom confinement.

a good old-fashioned happy ending by darcylindbergh (E, 32,731 w. || Christmas, Frottage, Comfort, Est. Rel., Fluff, Insecure Sherlock) – For Christmas this year, Sherlock wants to get John something special: something every fairytale deserves. Part 2 of things fairy tales are made of

Classified(s) by blueink3 (E, 36,153 w. || Wedding Date AU || Fake Relationship, Jealous, PIning, H/C, Idiots in Love, Happy Ending, Mary is not Nice, Escort Service) – Clara’s American father is the ambassador to some such territory that Great Britain probably used to own, but she (and Harry’s undying love for her) is the reason John is getting on a flight at 12:30pm, flying across the second largest ocean in the world, and pretending to be in a perfectly happy, healthy relationship with an undoubtedly perfectly coiffed stranger. See, Clara is not only American (and wealthy to boot), she’s also best friends with John’s ex-fiancée. Whom she’s placed in the wedding party. As Maid of Honor. And John just happens to be Best Man. Bloody brilliant.

A Promise Made to Be Broken by PlantsAreNeat (E, 37,018 w. || Fake Relationship, Pining, Slow Burn, RST, Eventual Relationship, POV Sherlock) – A young John makes an ‘if we’re still single at 40, we’ll get together’ pledge to a woman who ends up all wrong for him. She keeps reminding him of the promise, and won’t let go of it. John asks Sherlock to pose as his boyfriend at a family wedding, so as to dash her hopes permanently. Sherlock, who has at last acknowledged his feelings for John, reluctantly agrees despite knowing how painful it will be to ‘have’ John, but not keep him.

Set in Stone by SilentAuror (E, 39,309 w. || Romance, Wedding, Therapy, Fluff and Angst) – Sherlock and John are back from Ravine Valley and planning their wedding. However, as they move past the trial of the human traffickers, Sherlock can’t help but wonder if he’s imagining that John is becoming a little distant. Surely he isn’t getting cold feet about the wedding… Part 2 of The Ravine Valley series

In the Still of the Night by SilentAuror (E, 42,234 w. || S4 Fix It / Post-S4, Sherlock POV, Angst, Drama, Romance, Virgin Sherlock, Awkwardness, Misunderstandings / Miscommunications, Case Fic, Travelling, Pining) – As locals on the Northeastern coast begin to report UFO sightings, life at Baker Street becomes significantly awkward as John brings up his desire for more than friendship and Sherlock refuses him. They embark on the investigation from the confines of the tiny cottage Mycroft has rented for them, attempting to navigate both the clues of the case as well as their own inability to communicate…

Bedroom Tales by Junejuly15 (M, 49,950 w. || Friends to Lovers, Through the Years, H/C, Military Kink, First Kiss / Time, Romance, Insecure Sherlock, Voyeurism, Post-TRF, Ficlets, Fluff and Angst, Fix-It Fics) – Bedroom Tales is a collection of John and Sherlock ficlets. They are set at various stages of their relationship and are in no particular order. Some are fluffy, some sexy, some angsty, there is hurt and comfort, romance and love. What unites them is that they all play in a bedroom, but not necessarily the one in 221B.

In the Dark Hours by hubblegleeflower (E, 51,639 w. || Friends to Lovers, Unreliable Narrator, Closeted Bi John, Angst, Miscommunications, Slow Burn, First Time, John’s Blog / Epistolary) – John, wounded and silent, drifts back to Baker Street for healing…and then goes home again. He visits, gets more upbeat, chattier, smiles, jokes… and still goes home again. Sherlock wants him to move back in - it just makes sense - but John shows no signs of doing so. This is the story of how John and Sherlock learn to say what needs to be said when they’re both so very, very rubbish at talking.

floating through a dark blue sky by Lediona (M, 58,966 w. || Notting Hilll AU || POV John, Celebrity Sherlock, First Date / Time / Kiss, Past Drug Addiction, Angst with a Happy Ending) – Of course, I’d seen his films and always thought he was, well, brilliant – but, you know, a million miles from the world I live in. Or, when John is the owner of a travel book shop and the famous Sherlock Holmes stops in one day.

The Book of Silence by SilentAuror (E, 60,056 w. || S4 Fix It / Post S4, Virgin Sherlock, Rosie / Parentlock, Domesticity, Fluff, Praise Kink, Sex Toys, First Person POV) – As spring blooms in London, John and Sherlock begin to take new cases and cautiously negotiate this new phase of life with John living at Baker Street again. Despite how well it’s all going, John struggles to forgive himself for the way he treated Sherlock following Mary’s death as well as trying to figure out how to finally put his long-time feelings for Sherlock into words. Part 1 of The Book of Silence/Rosa Felicia

Scars by SilentAuror (E, 60,493 w. || Rape / Non-Con / Abuse, Gaslighting, Manipulation, Dub Con Elements, Homophobia, Angst With Happy Ending, Mary is Not Nice) – S3 rewrite, showing Mary’s manipulation of John as he realizes his love for Sherlock. Mary is not having it.

Definitions by siennna (T, 101,528 w. || Dev. Rel., Pining, Fluff and Romance, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Fluff, Cuddles) – Sherlock’s journey in defining his flat mate and stumbling through the muddled world of emotion. {{This feels complete; the chapter count is listed as ? but I feel like it is done}}

Maintenance and Repair by patternofdefiance (E, 106,650 w. || FutureAU, Augmentation || Augmented John, Depression, Body Modification, Slow Burn, Worldbuilding, Sci-Fi, Self-Care, Body Dysmorphia) – John wants to explain the rush of sensation and data, which is just another form of sensation (or is it the other way around?). John wants to say: Augmentation circuits report temperature, pressure, various forms of quantitative input. Sudden changes are reported as pain, since sudden changes are dangerous, and pain is the quickest way to encourage reflexive extraction. But all John can manage is, “Nng.” Because this sudden touch is not reporting as pain. Part 2 of STATIC

Breakable by MissDavis (E, 117,627 w. || Established, Fluff/Angst, Depression, Paralysis, Happy-ish Ending) – After John is seriously injured, Sherlock struggles to figure out how to help him, keep himself sane, and maybe, just maybe, get their life back to the way it’s supposed to be. Part 1 of Breakable Not Broken

The Burning Heart by May_Shepard (M, 119,150 w. || Canon Divergence, Post-TRF, John’s Sexuality, S3 Rewrite, Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, POV John Watson, John’s Gay) – When Sherlock dies, John Watson feels like his life is over too. He’s completely shut down, until Mark Morstan, a new nurse at John’s medical clinic, catches his attention, and helps him uncover the long buried truth of his attraction to men. Although he’s certain he’ll never get over Sherlock, John plans to move on, and build a new life with Mark, unaware that Sherlock is not quite as dead as he appears, and that Mark is hiding secrets of his own.

Unkissed Series by 221b_hound (T to E, 184,168 w. across 46 works || Established Relationship, Ace Sherlock) – Sherlock returned from the dead a year ago. John returned to Baker Street six months ago. They’ve been in a couple since then. or at least, not NOT a couple. For two smart men, they sure can be dumb. Luckily, an art thief tries to drown Sherlock, Sherlock has a fever dream and things are about to change.

[deveharrington]

[5 new theories] + Ok anons, I will heed your advice and take a break. Thanks for all the responses, good and bad. I also apologize for my last theory. Consider some new theories in light of new info?

Before I fully relax, and I am typing this from the HMS DavidDuchovnyFrustration’s jacuzzi, let’s do some more mental gymnastics! 

I always want to adjust my perspective in light of new info. So, following the release of the beach photos from August 19, I have some new thoughts. 

Would it sound crazy for me to say that these pictures are actually making me doubt my own previous theories? Ok well everything I say probably comes across as crazy. 

My imagination just outruns me, I love being proven wrong. I think I need it lmao.

So here are my most recent theories in response to the beach photos. 🐶 ⛱️

(Also, I will not post the actual photos because I simply refuse to and because I am a big baby)

💣 [THEORY 42] It means nothing. 

I propose that, right now, he is in a state of (and a potentially dangerous level of?) apathy and neutrality. This neutral state of being is a bad combination with his already very laid-back nature. 

He is going nowhere, and this could lead to frustration. And if David cannot face his feelings or be honest with himself, he may just seek “thrills” or instant gratification (a.k.a. this “relationship”) to balance the frustration. Thus, a vicious cycle is born.

Also, the stress of his career being stagnant right now might  be causing him to seek comfort through instant gratification. He does not seem to be attempting to build things up for himself. I see no progress. 

What if, in this, “relationship”, he literally does not give a shit?

*** OR, he had already been apathetic BEFORE the relationship, and the inception of the relationship was a product of that!!! ***

As in, SOMETHING may have happened to make David revert to “I don’t give a shit” mode. HMMM.

Onto the theory, David’s “laissez-faire” attitude has always been a prominent topic of interest to me, and most likely for the sole fact that I myself am the complete opposite. But live and let live. I guess i’ve always paid attention to it and now see it as related to this situation.

David has always been laid-back in the past. I think that is his true nature. But in the past he was also balanced by having a career, purpose, and engagement in life. Right now I see no career, nor purpose, nor engagement (and when I say “engagement”, I mean the action, not the term in the marriage sense).

It’s all “laissez-faire”, or, in his own words, “it can mean anything”. He may even be saying one thing to Monique but feeling another (more on this later). 

I am really going to go ahead and quote Cowboy Bebop here, lmao: 

If you love someone, you love yourself. 

If you hate someone, you hate yourself.

I said, “I don’t feel anything towards anyone.”

Bull said, “That is the greatest misfortune on this earth.”

Ok, let’s try to be fair and not too dramatic right away. I’m not saying David has no feelings, for sure he has feelings for his family or loved ones. But could the apathy be the reason why he seems distant from them right now? Or perhaps them distancing themselves from him is CAUSING the apathy? Again, just propositions and not facts. 

For David, the reality of the situation could be that he has convinced himself he has some semblance of “feelings” for Monique, however, of course I attribute these “feelings” to delusions or excuses for the obscene nature of the relationship. 

In which case, it could be argued that, if David is telling himself he does have “feelings” for Monique, it could be a rationalization that he is so desperately wanting to force himself to believe in order to avoid the truth. The truth being that he himself was not strong enough to fight against this situation. He succumbed and maybe asks himself why. I hope he is asking himself why. 

Now back to the neutrality stance. 

💣 [THEORY 43] WHERE/WHAT IS HIS CAREER?

These are also things I have questioned:

- Him taking the cancellation of his movie in stride. Maybe I am just overlooking the complexities of the movie making process and downplaying how hard it is to actually get a movie made. But David has all the time, means and reason to do so. I just don’t see David as the kind of guy to accept obstacles, especially when it concerns his passion projects. So, is there something more to this? 

- David seems to not be aware that his own fans have not received their CD’s. Again, I don’t have all the facts. But what is this? And again, David has all the time and reason to pay attention to his music career but he doesn't? 

- Also, is he working on an album (or anything?) for the future? Maybe he actually is? lmao, I have no idea? What i’m saying is, where is the progress? Where is the drive? 

It is like he is just wandering around, an aimless, organic vagabond. 

But I really love to listen to David talk about his music. I see his music as a genuine artistic expression coming from him. As an artist and art lover myself, I feel one the best things about art is that is reveals who you truly are.

I think I may make a separate post about this to elaborate, what I’m saying basically is that I feel what he says about his music and music making process are genuine feelings coming from him. It is not just what he says but the way he says these things, it reveals a lot about him, and the reveal is positive. I see a genuine vulnerability. Otherwise, sometimes his statements can come across as loaded with unspoken messages or intentions.

So here are some quotes from David himself on his music making process. I use them because I see them as genuine expressions coming from him. They are not recent, I just am showing them to illustrate the foundations of his laid-back attitude.

- “Why not?” - As an explanation of why he became a musician. Could he also have just said, “why not?” not his “relationship” with Monique? And, when the times comes for him to want to break up (and it WILL happen, right God? RIGHT?), will he also hopefully say, “why not?” ?

- “I don’t like having things explained to me.” - Like social media? hehehe. Like Monique’s social media posts? hehehe. Like how Brad Davidson is scamming your fans? hehehe. 

- “I didn’t want it to feel like work at all.”

- * “It can mean anything for anyone” - What if David is being so liberal that he is giving both Monique and HIMSELF the freedom to have their own reasons for their relationship? And if this were the case, then it is not much of a “RELATIONship”, now is it? 

I said in the first thesis that he deliberately keeps his beliefs vague so that he doesn’t have to take full responsibility for his choices, reasons and actions. As in, if he keeps his intentions open enough, he can displace blame onto others if things go wrong. 

For example, he may dole out some high-minded poo poo on the age gap along these lines: “age is arbitrary and has no meaning. The spirit is what connects” etc. Implying that somehow, SOCIETY and their ~ lack of enlightenment ~ would be what’s really to blame for their animosity towards an age gap relationship. This is all just for the illusion of openness. An illusion to disguise the lack of desire to take responsibility. 

If David wants to say that what he does can mean anything to anyone, then I want say this relationship means nothing to everyone.

This theory could easily be challenged by the notion that, if David were really in this neutral state, then he may try to assuage himself by seeking thrills. So, could the age gap component of the relationship be seen as a potential thrill for him? (UGH, sorry). And I guess I can’t ignore the physical component of the relationship, which not only appeals to his ego but must of course remind him of his younger, more reckless self (I am really sorry). To me, it connects, but others may see it differently. 

💣 [THEORY 44] *** I propose a single massive difference between Gillovny and Davinique. And to be fair to David, this is not fully in his control:

Gillian could not bring herself to trust David completely (due to his reputation and her own insecurities), but Monique trusts him completely.

And maybe Monique trusted him completely from the start? Maybe it is as simple as she may not be fully informed of his reputation? Is she just really enamoured? Or is she simply not old or experienced enough to see a person as a complex being with flaws. Maybe David is lying to her about his flaws. He lies to himself about his flaws 😇.

(Thank you to a user, who wishes for their identity to remain private, that proposed this amazing theory to me. I love getting ideas like this that I would never have come up with myself.)

Could it all be as simple as a personality difference between Gillian and Monique? I always saw one conflict between Gillian and David being her excessive worrying/insecurity clashing with his excessive laidbackness/cockiness. 

So, if Monique is more in line with David’s attitude, then he may feel relieved that this conflict that was so prominent between him and Gillian is taken care of. 

But that is not really my focus with this theory. 

This theory at least clears a lot of smoke for me. Part of the pain of this situation was, for me, imagining David hurting Gillian very badly (when she was already potentially very insecure about their relationship) over some nonsense “relationship” with Monique, but what if it really, truly, and literally, Monique means nothing to David. However, this would imply that David was the one to betray Gillian first by getting involved with Monique and I actually do not believe this was the case. 

On that subject, the next theory will explain:

💣 [THEORY 45] Who, between David and Gillian, performed the fatal action that was Gillovny’s undoing? 

Could the final blow actually have been enacted by Gillian? and... intentionally??

I know the common theory is that this is all David’s fault. But what if Gillian dumped David or pushed him away prematurely out of her own suspicions and misconceptions that stemmed from her insecurity of being involved with him?

💣 [THEORY 46] Davinique in the wild?

Could David’s “relationship” actually have most of it’s meaning in Monique’s head, and not David’s? (contrary to what I proposed in the first thesis.)

I propose this because, looking at the beach pictures, David is not paying attention to Monique. 

I know they are just pictures, a single fraction of a single second in time. And I am probably just seeing what I want to see. 

But I was not expecting that level of non-acknowledgment between them? Did they know they were being photographed? (Personally, I don’t think they knew because neither of them, especially Monique, is looking into the camera. Nobody from the group seems to notice the camera either). So, if they were not aware they were being photographed, do we finally have evidence of Davinique in the wild?

I just really want to believe this for now. I was expecting to be hurt by the pics but noticing these small subtleties actually made me feel better. 

[Some random thoughts on the beach pictures]

- This is an objective observation: good for Monique for being in shape, but the fact that she has a masculine body frame (square torso) that is also quite built up is not helping me deny my theory that David is enjoying having sex with himself. (i’M SORRY!!!)

- I just couldn’t contain myself at seeing an image I see very commonly at my local lake: a group is separated in two, with the adults on supervision in the back, fully clothed, wearing hats, sitting in lawn chairs and talking amongst themselves. Meanwhile the kids are sprawled out, enjoying the sun, and playing with the dog. ooooh boy David what is this shit lmfao. 

Thank you, anyone who reads this! 

[houkuaichuii]

Take My Heart & Soul

“FIC EXCHANGE. I’LL GIVE YOU THE JEALOUS-PINING-MUSTANG ANGST AND YOU GIVE ME THE ANASTASIA AU.” - Chie, 2k17.

So a couple of days ago, I had a lovely discussion with Sarah (@queenwinry), which led to me screaming at her for an Anastasia!AU RoyAi fic of the famous boat scene, whilst offering this very angsty piece in return. I do highly suggest to read her one-shot after this as a pick-me-up! So make sure to do that!!

Word Count: 3,450.

Warning: Roy’s a... well, he’s drunk and he’s sad. I was not drunk during the process of writing this, however; I was just sad.

There was something unspoken about the winter air within the East City walls, something to which the drunken man could barely describe. It was calming, more so as the feeling of numbness ran through his fingers and his toes. However, he knew that there was much more to it than he could comprehend. Perhaps it was the way it nearly made him forget the ache within him, the pain that had taken place somewhere in his chest and called it its home. Or perhaps it could have been the number of drinks he had that night, but he shook his head at the notion and told himself that he was perfectly fine and was far from the edge.

He hadn’t appeared so intoxicated either; just a man who was enjoying a stroll during an ungodly hour. But Roy Mustang was a man who had mastered the game of facades, and was more than skilled enough to hide the truth to his character when it suited him.

So yes, he was drunk; his focus a haze, his mind a mess, but he knew where he was going as he walked through the empty streets. He followed a path he knew quite well, to a destination that was entirely committed to his memory through more ways than one. Or at least he believed so.

He was going home, that was what he convinced himself to do as he exited a deserted bar. But where was his home? Was it the empty apartment in between Fourth Ave and the Sixth, or was it a woman, who was enjoying her date with another? At the thought of the latter, short laughter escaped him, his heart far from being in it. Then again, his heart was never with him to begin with, as it was with the woman for as long as he could remember.

He had unknowingly given it as a whole, and once upon a time, he surmised that she had done the same. It was the basic belief of equivalent exchange; the well-known law of alchemy. And he, as an alchemist, nonetheless, lived by those words. But it seemed like he was proven wrong at some point, because of all things considered, it was more than obvious that her heart was not his to keep.

So many emotions dwelt in his core, just as how so many unanswered questions ran through that head of his. He was supposed to be a genius, the epitome of brilliance, an erudite--- he was the Hero of Ishval, the man who climbed the ranks too fast for his age. And yet there he was with his gaze dropped to the pavement, sadness claiming the colour of his eyes. He looked so wrong, he felt wrong too, though he could not bring himself to blame anyone else for the pain he was drowning in.

He waited far too long, assumed that he still had time, that she would have still been there at the end of the line. The universe, however, had other plans and the joke was on him. God, what a fool he was.

A selfish fool.

Roy knew that he should have been happy for her, even if it meant that her happiness did not mean him. He had acknowledged it long ago that she deserved someone better; someone who had not betrayed her trust, someone who did not remind her of a war, someone who saved her life rather than a broken man who was constantly dragging it into harm’s way. The woman he loved was in a good place, and he should have been content with such a simple fact. But the truth was the truth, and he was anything but. He was miserable, surrounded by darkness and living under a grey cloud.

And so he walked, and he walked, and he walked, the chill of winter biting at his nose and his cheeks. How does one escape the dark when the sun had left?

Everywhere he went, the whispers were there. There were the looks, the rumours that just did not stop. It all began as a simple matter, the idea that a doctor had plans to court the brigadier-general’s adjutant. It became a joke in the office, and at first, the woman in subject had no means to hold it in any form of regard. But everyone saw that the man was quite serious in the way he’d send in flowers, until he suddenly came to seek the captain for a dinner.

Of course jealousy had struck Roy immediately, and he was more than tempted to step forward. But noting that she deserved a break and that it was most likely a one-time thing, he merely held his tongue.

The action was evidently a bad choice, for dinners happened again, and numerous times after, leading to the words of engagement to reach his ears.

And that was when he had finally felt the soles of his feet hit rock bottom.

Everyone looked at him with confusion in their glances, wondering as to what his thoughts truly were. He kept to himself about the matter, albeit letting out a casual smile here, and his usual shrug there. “The Captain is in warrant of a happy ending, we should all just congratulate her.” Was what he told them. Even his ‘sisters’ heard of the talk, a flash of pity in their eyes whenever an Elizabeth was mentioned by someone who was uninformed. Still, he posed the image that he was truly all right, although those who knew him also knew otherwise.

How long he walked for, he could not say, but at the end of the night, he was climbing up a set of stairs. He counted the floors as he passed them amidst his daze, till he stopped in front of a certain door. He stared at it, his chest empty, yet heavy; his shoulders slouched in spite of being overcome with familiarity. He fished his key out of his pockets, but when it came to unlocking the door, it would not turn. He cursed under his breath, thinking that what he held in his hand was the key for the car he had left behind.

“What. A. Fucking. Idiot,” He called himself, banging his head against the door in defeat, one word after the other, “Can’t even get yourself into your own apartment.”

He was just so tired; beyond exhaustion as everything pulled back to port. He hadn’t been this bad since Hughes, but even then, he still had her: the only constant thing in his life.

To which will become not so constant anymore, for she’s been ripped out of his grasp before he even got a chance. He thought himself pathetic, all the while hating the man who stole the person he once called his.

Roy was supposed to be the one to show her the endless love and affection that he always did have for her. He was supposed to be the one who’d wake her up with kisses, who’d whisper sweet promises into her ear in the warmth of their bed. He was supposed to be the one who’d hold her hand as they took a walk through the park, letting Hayate chase the butterflies that would have caught his attention. He was supposed to be the one who’d wake up in the middle of night, just to soothe the cries of a child. Their child.

Roy was supposed to be the one to take her as his wife, to have and to hold, for better and for worst, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death did them part.

He was supposed to be the one, as she was the only one for him.

Drunk and alone with his thoughts, Roy was about to sit himself down onto the floor when the knob turned and the door was pulled open. A slightly dishevelled blonde peered at him from the other side, surprise entirely too transparent in the eyes that had watched over him for so long. He was surprised as well, so to speak, because what in the world was his captain doing in his apartment? He mirrored her look through his own bleariness, blinking to clear his view.

“Sir, are you okay?” She asked, concern loud in her voice.

“What are you doing here?” He returned.

There was a pause as Hawkeye scrutinised him, a crease between her perfectly lined brows; question evident in her expression. She then stepped out and closed the door behind her, holding onto the robe that she wore.

“Did you go out drinking with the boys again, sir?”

He shrugged, “Possibly, I don’t really remember. But what are you doing here?”

“This is my apartment.”

Well, that certainly said a lot.

As realisation dawned on him, Roy released a breath, then a scoff. His gaze dropped to the floor, eyes closing without a single reply. So this was where home was--- it was where his legs had led him to. What a joke. The place he considered as home wasn’t even his own, and there he was, standing before her like a lost dog. He should have apologised and bid his goodnight, but his mind was awake and he couldn’t stop what he said next.

“Please tell me you didn’t say ‘yes’, Hawkeye.”

“Sir?”

“That--- that man, I believe that he asked for your hand in marriage. Tell me that you didn’t accept the proposal.”

“I...”

“Goddamn it, Hawkeye!” He looked at her then, albeit too fast that the world suddenly turned and he stumbled back before regaining his footing. He saw her move forward, hands reaching out to steady him, but he lifted up his palm and breathed. No, he wasn’t allowed to feel her touch, lest he was willing to lose the small control he had left.

What a shameful sight he made; face red from the alcohol, his hair unruly from the amount of times he ran his fingers through it during the night. Then to add to the list, he had just shouted at his captain even though she was far from being at fault. He shouldn’t have been there in the first place, but it was where his heart was and it seemed like his mind wanted it back; as if he was ever going to get it back.

Roy looked at the woman again, stared as he searched for words to say.

I’m sorry.

Don’t go to him.

Please don’t leave me.

I don’t want to lose you.

I can’t lose you.

I’ve always loved you.

I love you.

It was Hawkeye who broke the silence, however.

“Sir, would you like for me to walk you home?”

“Please don’t marry him.” Was the answer he gave. As short and concise as it was, it was no more than a whisper; a plea as others would have called it. “Don’t do it, Riza.”

If he hadn’t been so intoxicated, he would have noticed the effect that her first name had on her. He would have seen how her eyes widened slightly, her hand tightening its hold on her bathrobe. It was her turn to stare at him, keeping up a mask of coolness. But after a moment or so, she swallowed faintly and spoke.

“Roy, I don’t think we should discuss this matter right now.”

“Really? Because I think that this is the best time to talk about this.”

“No, it’s really not. You’re not in the right state to organise your thoughts and this discussion is over.”

“Riza, if you would just listen to me---”

She cut him off there, the sharp edge of a knife heard in her tone, “You’re drunk; you don’t even know what you’re saying, let alone will remember when you wake up tomorrow.”

“To hell I don’t!” Roy finally snapped, causing for the other to steel herself as he chose to continue, “And even if I don’t remember what I say tonight, I’ll be fine as long as I say it. You need to hear this, Riza. I need to say this, because if I don’t...”

“Roy, don’t do this.”

“If I don’t tell you that I love you now, when will I ever?”

A pause.

“Why are you doing this?” She asked.

Taking in a deep breath as he moved back against the wall behind him, Roy tried to clear his incoherent mind. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see the stranger that the other might become once he said his piece. After all, he almost lost her once before, and was on the verge of losing her again. The fear sickened him to no end, even through his uninhibited state. But the truth was in dire need to be expressed, and everyone knew that a drunken man’s words were a sober man’s thoughts.

“Because I’m scared, Riza,” He told her, “I’m scared of losing you.”

He heard her step towards him tentatively, the sound of her footfall loud amongst the silence that had then fallen upon them. Still, he kept himself in the dark, finding comfort in it.

“I thought I still had time, I thought that this could wait until I reached my goal--- I thought that you knew. But then the doctor came out of nowhere, and... I don’t know. I wanted to stop it, though. I wanted to say something to stop him from pursuing you, but when I saw you laughing with him, I just couldn’t take that happiness away from you.

“You deserve it. After everything you’ve been through, you deserve this happy ending, and who am I to stop you from getting it? I’ve asked myself this question so many times throughout these past several months, and each time I do, I never get an answer. I tell myself that I have no right to step into your affairs, that you’re free to choose whomever you like. But at the same time, I realise that I’m as selfish as anyone and I start to hope that you’d find something you don’t like about him.”

Another moment of quietude, filled with nothing but a sigh from him.

“But seeing as to how things have turned out, that obviously didn’t happen and now here I am: drunk, tired, wishing that I was the one who’d hold you, wishing that I was able to freely show my love for you whenever I choose to; wishing that I was that man.

“I love you, Riza Hawkeye. And the more I think about it, the more I know that I always did love you. From the first moment you opened that door back when I was just starting out my apprenticeship, and up until this very moment, I’ve loved you.

“I love your smile, how it’s so subtle and hidden; it’s been the same for as long as I’ve known you. I love the focus in your eyes, the way your eyebrows furrow together when something’s in your mind. I love your determination, your courage, and your compassion. You are an amazing woman, Hawkeye; one hell of a woman, really.”

And as he readied himself for his final words, Roy had set his gaze upon her. What he found was unexpected, however, as rather than meeting the amber eyes he loved so dearly, what he saw was a woman with her head down, her blonde hair a curtain around her features. She had a hand to her mouth, her shoulders seemingly trembling.

“I’m sorry for all of the times I’ve hurt you. You deserve someone better than me. But Riza, please don’t go to him. Please don’t leave me. I’m not... I’m not telling you this as your commanding officer, but I’m asking you this as the boy who grew up with you, who has only ever considered you.

“I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again: I can’t lose you. It is not that I don’t want to lose you, but it is more of the fact that I can’t. I know that it makes me sound selfish and egotistical, but I’m far from caring about my image at this point. This is the truth of how I feel for you, and I just need you to know that whatever happens, I will always love you.”

Unmoving from her spot, Riza did not respond, and Roy wanted nothing more than to envelope her into an embrace. For the first time in a long while, she looked so small, as delicate as he remembered her to be before the horrid of war. Oh, how he would have loved to go back to those times, when everything was simple and it was only the two of them in their world; no one else.

Just little Roy and Riza, the children who ran through open fields, the lake behind the trees being their destination. They were the children who walked under the moonlit sky, finally heading home after getting groceries from the nearby town. They were the youth who studied in candlelight together, secrets whispered between them. Just little Roy and Riza, the children who made promises to one another and were determined to keep them. Without a doubt, the promises were kept and new ones were made in their adulthood, forever binding them together.

Or maybe not.

“Riza?” Roy called, the silence suddenly becoming unbearable.

When she looked up, he was taken aback by the redness of her eyes, the tears that glinted under the hallway’s lighting. He clenched his teeth together, his hands curling into fists. He had hurt her again, and she was crying because of him. What was wrong with him?

“You are such a complete idiot,” Her voice cracked as she attempted to stifle her crying, causing for something within Roy to shatter, “Why couldn’t you just listen to me? I told you not to do this, and yet you still continued to make everything so complicated.”

Roy couldn’t hide the hurt that quickly struck his expression, her words understood immediately. He didn’t say anything, couldn’t form a response that would not have led the entire situation to an argument. Despite being as inebriated as he was then, he was earnest enough to note that he had done enough damage for the night. And so, he pushed himself off the wall, hands in his coat’s pockets and looked down on his polished shoes.

“You’re right. Maybe it would have been best if I hadn’t told you the truth, but you deserved to hear it, at least.” With that said, he squared his shoulders and raised his chin, his eyes quite sombre in comparison to the strength in his voice, “You should go back in, Captain, I’ve kept you out here long enough.”

At that second, the door opened and a man revealed himself groggily. He looked at Riza, who kept her back to him, before averting his attention to Roy. Traces of sleep was still visible across his chiselled features, and it did not go unnoticed that he was, in fact, shirtless. Roy nearly scorned at the sight of the other, vehemence growing in his being. Of course he was there, Roy wasn’t even surprised anymore.

Besides that, if he weren’t so in control, he might have set him aflame.

“Riza? What are you doing out here, it’s four in the morning.” The man asked, blinking the slumber away.

But before Hawkeye could answer, Brigadier-General Mustang spoke up, “I just needed to ask her a few things about the case. My apologies, I would have waited until later, but something urgent came up.”

“Some of us do need to sleep, Mustang,” The other countered, “Especially when Riza needs to rest after you make her work hard all day.”

“Matthew,” It was Hawkeye who raised her voice, “It’s fine. I was all ready awake and the case is vital, so it was only right for him to come to me as soon as possible. Go back in, I’ll join you soon.”

Just when the man was about to open his mouth for another retort, Mustang cleared his throat in interruption and said, “I’ve extended my stay long enough and I’ve heard what I needed to hear. Besides, the doctor’s right, you need to rest. Good night, Captain.” He gave his adjutant a short nod, although not quite meeting her eyes. He then ignored the other man, walking past him as he made his way back to the stairs. He could feel their attention on him with each measured step, his mind blank, except for the acknowledgment of the gnawing ache throughout his chest.

What a fool he was.

[deadboxprime]

Our Degenerate Society: Marriage is an Outdated Institution, part 2

Our society is deteriorating. It is unraveling, and this post is part of a series that looks at the status quo in this moment of our disintegration.

Part 3 of Our Degenerate Society

IV. SMARTASS

We've been discussing the dysfunctional role of marriage in Our Degenerate Society.

Okay, brainiac, what do you suggest?

What is the point of marriage? Well, you'll find several answers to this question depending on who you ask. Here's a good starting place.

Edvard Westermarck proposed that "the institution of marriage has probably developed out of a primeval habit." For most of European history, marriage was more or less a business agreement between two families who arranged the marriages of their children. It was a price paid for exclusive sexual access and assurance of paternity. It has tended to be about inheritance and authority under men.

Here are some thoughts I've had about alternatives, considering what I've seen as problem areas. Each includes listing of length of term, responsibilities and restrictions, and dissolution.

Three types of marriage:

1. trial partnership:

Term: Lasts for a period of one year, and can be renewed.

Requirements and restrictions: requires sexual exclusivity and cohabitation, and no children can be born or adopted during this period without a hefty fine. The purpose is to determine suitability for longer term marriage. Couple must file 'Married, filing separately' on taxes. No joint financial responsibility for pre-existing obligations. Health benefits and retirement are separate, but the couple can enter in joint agreements on their own.

Dissolution: No penalty for dissolution, but penalty for violations of sexual exclusivity. 'Alienation of affection' does not apply. Severe penalties for sexual or physical abuse.

2. limited term marriage:  

Term: an arrangement in which it is agreed beforehand that the marriage will have a time limit, usually three years. At the end of the term, the choice can be made to renew.

Requirements and restrictions: No children allowed unless both parties agree that dissolution will not occur until all children are at least 21 years of age, hence a longer term. Roles and expectations as a couple to be explicitly determined during term. Prerequisite to Full Marriage. May file 'Married, filing jointly.' No joint responsibility for pre-existing obligations. Health benefits and retirement are separate, but the couple can enter in joint agreements on their own.

Dissolution: the terms and conditions of the dissolution are determined prior to marriage. Requires mutual viability as a term of dissolution, but dissolution can occur without hostility. Penalty for violations of sexual exclusivity. Severe penalties for sexual or physical abuse. Agreement is similar to current pre-nuptial agreement.

3. Full marriage:  

Term: marriage in the traditional sense, no predetermined end.

Requirements and restrictions: Extensive counseling required to determine long-term compatibility. Must be approved by a neutral third party. Friends and family must defend the proposal. Children can occur at any time, provided that parents have completed license requirements. Must have had a previous limited term marriage. All tax filing options open. All debts are combined. Health and retirement benefits are mutual.

Dissolution: penalties for violations of sexual exclusivity. Severe penalties for sexual or physical abuse of spouse or child. Early dissolution penalty if dissolution occurs prior to the 21st birthday or any child in the home, natural born or adopted. Includes the standard notions of  legal and financial obligation.

Inevitably, there will be some who think that this is too restrictive. I think that having some agreed upon rules and consequences will actually grant more freedom in the end. Currently, both parties enter the marriage with unspoken expectations based upon their parents' marriages. It's unfair to everyone involved.

This method assures sexual exclusivity, at least to the same extent that it is currently guaranteed, it assures paternity, but also has explicit consequences for physical and sexual abuse.  Women would no longer be able to elevate their position in society by marrying some rich guy, then divorcing him and taking half his income and property. On the other hand, I think that whoever is making the proposal could be expected to offer a gift. Note, I said, “Whoever is making the proposal,” meaning that women could propose to men. I would imagine that some kind of jewelry would be appropriate for a trial partnership, then a more valuable and stunning piece at limited marriage, with the traditional cardiac diamond ring at full. Of course, people could do it however they want, but I would vote against a colossal ring at each juncture.

This also includes some tax treatment, as well as freedom from responsibility for your spouse's past debt. I think that this addresses homosexual couples as well. They can have limited marriages that constantly renew. This way, the maximum benefit from marriage is reserved for those who are willing to make the maximum commitment and offer the maximum benefit to society. I'm not suggesting that homosexual couples are not valuable, merely that heterosexual couples are able to reproduce and should receive maximum benefit because they provide the maximum benefit to society.

Upon reading back, some additional points occur to me. Conservatives would like to take our lifestyles and laws back in time. The more conservative they are, the further back they would like us all to go. To be realistic, we must acknowledge that the toothpaste won't go back in the tube, and that we can't uncook the spaghetti or unbreak the eggs. Homosexuals are here, and they're not going away, so we will all have to learn to deal with it. All people are free to choose the relationship type that they prefer. That is as certainly as basic as the right to free speech and religion. Homosexual couples deserve equal access to the rights currently reserved to married  couples. Marriage is a contract, not a sacrament, and it needs to be treated as such.

That said, homosexual couples must also recognize that heterosexual couples have a higher intrinsic value to America (or whatever country) in that they have the ability to produce more Americans. The ability to bear children is restricted to heterosexual couples by our biology, and as such the level of marriage contracts available to them should be commensurate with their abilities. This does not make homosexuals “second class citizens.” Homosexual citizens have the right to free speech, the right to vote, and the right to have the shit taxed out of them, just like the rest of us. However, just as Billy Barty was denied access to the NBA, homosexual couples are denied access to certain privileges – it just goes with the territory.

The other thought that I had is that perhaps we do not want to invite the government this far into our lives, knowing as we do that once there they will want to start making other choices for us. This is a valid argument, and the above system merely reflects my opinion. No one is required to do it my way. The reason that I am in favor of the ideas presented above, is that the current system, as has been previously noted, was created in a different time and has had little or no conscious revision since.  What changes that have occurred have been merely what we've fallen into, and the result is an unbelievable mess. Perhaps someone else will devise a different method of accomplishing a revision without passing a law, but it will still be necessary to deal with the legal aspects to get any real change.  Our court systems and laws still maintain a paternalistic bias, so little help can be counted on from them. The worst thing imaginable is probably also the most likely: the we will all continue to muddle along the way we always have, without using the minds and ideas of the best of us to improve the overall condition of our society and our civilization.

2017 Edit: I still think that this is better than what we have. Currently, we have choice. “Sure, honey I’ll love you forever” -- until he gets laid, then he vanishes. Or “Sure boy, I’ll give you sex -- in exchange for everything you have and will ever earn, including 50% of any afterlife that may exist.” Both forms are exploitive.

Let’s also keep in mind that extreme examples are accurate characterizations of the majority. I know that women who marry for money do not represent the majority of women. Most people go into it with genuine motives. It is not until they can’t stand each other that they decide to see what they can get out of it -- and that makes getting out of it a damn mess.

As for homosexual marriage, the Supreme Court has rejected the idea that the ability to make more Americans, unaided, makes heterosexual couples more valuable and thus deserving of a marriage all their own. Supreme in this case refers to the court being the highest possible court of appeals, not that they always get it right. In this case I think that they blew it.

That said, what do we do? Well, homosexual -- or as it turns out, any any alt-sexed -- American has the right to to marry and pursue happiness subject to the limits of obeying the law and not impinging upon the rights of any other American, the same as any American citizen. That DOES NOT entitle such couples to a wedding cake from the bakery of their choice regardless of the rights of others. Unfortunately, I’m not confident that SCOTUS will get this right.

So where are we? So far capitalism and marriage are both exploitive. I don’t think that either has to be, but that’s what they’ve become.

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