#the trauma is emotional neglect lmfao

[painted-bees]

As a fellow acespec I want to toss Raf into a protective pillow fort and feed him on an exclusive diet of love and validation. Your posts about him imply that he's been through a lot of trauma. Can I ask what that was? Who hurt our boy?

Thank you for loving the lad!♡♡♡

What's Raf's damage? 😂 it's not really any specific thing that happened to him, he just sorta grew up being boiled alive and never realized it until he tried leave the pot and everything hurt lmao.

He was raised as a commodity. His mother/publicist conceptualized a very marketable, appealing persona that her son was to embody--so that she could sell it. He grew up being told what his goals were, what his passions were, what he liked, what he didn't like, how to speak, how to compose himself in a way that was endearing and widely approachable. And he was praised for it. As a kid from like 4-10 years of age, it was fine--great, even! He liked the praise, he liked being told he was good at things, he liked doing the things he was good at! He was into it, as a kid. But then, as he entered into adolescence, he started wanting other things, hobbies for himself, friends his age, the free time and autonomy even just to explore different instruments and genres of music that he felt personally interested in. But of course, if it didn't serve the public persona, there would be no time for it. He had studies, recitals, competitions, interviews, functions, so on and so forth. Being a public figure was...a pretty all-consuming thing. And he--began to resent it. And he began to push back against it.

Unfortunately, when he began to assert himself and set boundaries for himself--if it took away from what others had to gain from him...it began to color the way they treated him. He didn't fully recognize this though--until he left Monaco to attend Juilliard.

The whole reason he wanted to go to school across the ocean at all was to get as far away from his parents and their oppressive scheduling & scripting as he could--to finally have time for himself, to -be- himself, and to sorta find his own legs, so to speak. Buuut--the students and faculty who weren't some manner of hostile towards him over his history as an (admittedly) overrated, professionally coddled child celebrity--befriended and cozied up to him largely because he and his name carried a pretty significant amount of clout (oh, the connections!). Even his genuine friendships were still colored by the very, very successful career his parents had crafted for him. And this fostered a lot of his anxiety regarding people and relationships.

School left him more burnt out and insecure than he had ever felt in his life, with no solid sense of his own identity, and a very strong sense that people only wanted to get to know him better for the purpose of exploiting him. And--9 times outta 10--he found he was right about that to some varying degree. But with nerves so raw, even an 'acceptable' measure of this felt too much for Raf.

And so, he aspires to be someone that no one knows. A complete nobody. Just a guy. He tried to quit music for this purpose but couldn't really commit himself to doing it--it was too much a part of him, despite how he resented the fact. He just wants to be left alone, but he can't stand to be lonely ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[graveyardollie]

The quote

“It's like planting a tree and being disappointed that it didn't grow in a matter of minutes. I am that tree, dad. I grew tall enough to give you my fruit, but you chose to eat it all and not even thank me. And you're still so... hungry . No matter how much I give... you're still hungry for more. I feel like I can't give you what you want. And I'm sorry for that. That I'm not the son you hoped for.”

Has no right to be from ao3 one shot about the ninja turtles.

[heirbane]

feel free to ignore if you’ve already talked about this before, but i was running prae recently and it got me curious about gaius’s feelings on livia / nero / rhitahtyn? or the xivth in general. :>

i have been roosting on this for. weeks? months? because i have Thoughts and not a lot of them are popular probably lol. long long post below. so!

Livia and Lucia lived with Gaius after they were orphaned. The wiki gives like one sentence to say they were separated, but there's no linked proof. For the purposes of my canon, Lucia and Livia are identical twins, and fell into Gaius' custody around the age of nine or ten. (Mayhaps they had intended to separate them, but doing so to people so obviously two halves of one soul, as twins are oft believed to be, was cruel.)

Livia and Lucia were Gaius' first children. He was 39 and had spent twenty five years in the military already, a feat both telling of his ability and his early enlistment. Those who made it to twenty summers in the military had their futures financially secured for them. Gaius would never want for anything, and he now felt that he could offer himself up as a mentor figure to those younger... because as a child who had raised himself and had grown up in the military, he believed that all children needed was a safe home, plentiful meals, and education. His coin could provide all of those things.

Gaius scarcely remembered being ten years old. Not from lack of trying but from purposeful forgetfulness, a merciful omission made by his subconscious to truly forget the half-dozen winters spent trying to relieve his mother of her grief and fending for himself. He thinks he remembers being lonely, and cold, and scared. That, he thinks, he can avoid with the twins, even while he's on a tour of duty. He is so resplendently well-off and respected that the girls could attend private lessons and be dressed in the warmest coats.

(Providing the essentials - even to a level bordering on excessive, or stifling - is not a love children need. His first daughters were no better off than he at ten: they may have been clothed, in classes, and being raised by one of the military's finest, but they were still cripplingly alone. It is a knife he had handed all of his children, something he doesn't feel the blade of for over a dozen years.)

Livia was desperately, horridly lonely. Even before the death of her parents, she did not receive the amount of attention and love that she felt she needed. Her parents attention had always been split between her and her sister, and - as is often the case in multiple child households - Lucia was often seen as the more proper daughter. Upon their demise, Livia was left with a flurry of emotions she had yet to truly acknowledge and decode as one would growing up. Without a proper parent to idealize and a healthy, consistent environment to grow up in, Livia gorged herself on any and all attention, no matter how uncouth or unhinged. All attention was good attention.

She idolized Gaius to a suffocating degree. After her parents died, it seemed as if he swooped in and brought them into gilded luxury: she had everything she could have ever desired... but somehow - ... she still felt empty. But she felt loved and seen whenever he was home. She didn't know what she wanted, nor did she have the maturity to know there was a what: she simply wanted whatever scraps of affection he would offer... and never quite grew out of that. Trauma and emotional neglect is a bear trap one does not get free from on their own. Unfortunately, Livia was very much alone.

Lucia fled Garlemald at sixteen. Both girls were enrolled in the military at fifteen - one more willing than the other. Livia made leaps and bounds in a short few years, clawing her way to fight at Gaius' side, where she believed she belonged. Lucia focused on espionage, and used her adopted father's name to her advantage... and fled. Livia never saw Lucia after that, and died not knowing if her sister had ever found what she had sought in the savage lands.

Rhitahtyn, by comparison, was decidedly more a younger brother than son. A half dozen years his junior, Rhitahtyn entered the military not long after Gaius turned twenty-four. Not long after, Rhitahtyn was assigned to Gaius' very first platoon of soldiers ... as those from conquered lands were oft used as a new General's testing group.

Rhitahtyn and other Roe folk often used their native tongue to chitchat when in the barracks or otherwise not under the direct eye of Garlemald... or when they believed their superior to be ignorant of the language. Gaius had been in the military over a decade by the time they crossed paths and had chosen to learn the basics of the tongues spoken by those under his command. Needless to say, Rhitahtyn had choice words for his leader. (Needless to say, Gaius had his own in return. The floors of the platoon's bedquarters would never be nearly as clean as the Roe had made them that night as punishment.)

Despite the bad foot they got off on, Gaius saw promise in the younger man. He remained level-headed no matter the confrontation, already had years of work behind him as a mercenary, and had a sharp wit to boot. As time went on, their footing became less uneven, and Gaius began to see him as a peer instead of a recruit. Time and time again, he chose Rhi to be at his side, much like Nero and Livia.

Rhi knew the rest of Gaius' children. He met all of the Au Ri from Terncliff: he knew the Garlean orphans the man sponsored care for. They all came to see the Roe in a similar light to Gaius, despite the wide age gap between himself and them: to his children, Rhi was but another sibling. (It was Alphonse, still losing baby teeth and learning how Garlean names worked, who stumbled over Rhitahtyn's name enough that 'Rhi' came to be. Only the children dubbed him so. It was not a name Gaius would ever admit to using.)

As it is in canon, Gaius would not have sent Rhi to Cape Westwind to die. He would not have left the grounds to Livia and others. He did not believe the Warrior of Light so strong as to put down two soldiers he had trained himself: he had more faith in their abilities - and in Garlemald - than he had fear of the Warrior.

(As not many survived Westwind or after, it took Gaius many, many years to learn how Rhitahtyn perished - a fact only the Warrior of Light carried with them. He knew he had perished: he knew he had fought until the end. But to know that his brother-in-arms had fully intended to go down in flames with the Warrior of Light - ... to say he has regrets is but a sliver of the truth.)

In a perfect world, Gaius may have set up Nero with one of his daughters. In a perfect world, Midas would not have perished, and they would have happily co-parented Cid. Both Cid and Nero were born when Gaius was in his early twenties, and he sees both men in a similar light, much to Nero's disgust. A little competition never hurt anyone, and each boy's promise seemed to ignite fire in the other.

Much akin to Livia and Lucia, Nero is ... definitely the black sheep. While close to the age of his adult children, the man froths at the mouth when such is spoken, forever rushing to be great in his own right. Nero's sights for the future - his future, specifically - is both endearing and infuriating to Gaius, who sees his soldiers as part of a larger whole.

Unfortunately, no matter how infuriating or offbeat he is, Nero is a genius... but would have still come up short, had Cid stayed in Garlemald. Gaius knows this. Nero knows this, and he will fight until he is near dead to get out of the shadow Cid left behind by simply existing.

(Nero does not know why the shadow remains. He does not know why Gaius is soft-hearted for Cid, or why his voice is so fond for Midas. His relationship with the scientist is a secret only two other people were privy to: Midas' wife, and Cid. By the time Gaius meets Nero, Midas' widow has long since disappeared from under Garlemald's eye... and Cid is presumed dead.)

Had Lucia not fled and had Livia been sound of mind, he does think they would have made a fine lineage, all things considered. However, Livia only had eyes for Gaius... and Nero only had eyes for Cid.

[angelshizuka]

honestly… i LOVED movie!adrien. he just feels so much more /real/ than show!adrien (which i guess is the point if you weigh in senti stuff) and like… idk. he’s just a silly 14 year old boy who’s still got some residual trauma from losing his mom! maybe i’m partly projecting show!adrien onto him, but even the way he turns marinette down seemed like he genuinely felt bad for doing so.

part of me feels like show!adrien’s entire characterization is created around the basis of being a love interest for marinette, and instead in the movie we got to see him be more… realistic than that. he fights with his dad! he opens up to marinette about his mom! he has PAIN and he’s affected by it (unlike the show where it seems his mother’s disappearance has barely affected his day-to-day life even though in that universe he lost her way more recently than in the movie) and he has a hard time letting people in because of that pain (illustrated beautifully by the headphones) but he still takes the chance on his new friend group! ladybug inspires him to give the world a chance again! and when she rejects him he shuts back down, and puts the headphones back on, which again, is a very realistic response.

i think this movie would have been a solid 10/10 for me if they had cut maybe 1-2 of the songs and instead explored their lives/relationship at school a little more, so we got to see these themes a little more clearly, but i really don’t get the movie!adrien bashing like at all lol. it kinda makes me uncomfy that people are calling movie!adrien like a fuckboy incel when he’s just… a more realistic version of himself instead of this fantasy perfect boy that can do no wrong idk…

(i still love show!adrien btw i just wanted to dump this somewhere LMFAO)

Yes, yes, yes! This is exactly what I've been talking about!

I genuinely love show!Adrien, but the writing keeps fucking him over. His mother died recently (either 100 days or weeks before the 100th episode, I can't remember which one it was, but even 100 weeks is barely 2 years), yet he acts like it barely affects him at all, not even in private (because I totally understand acting fine around other people, that's how a lot of people grief).

Meanwhile with movie!Adrien we actually SEE the affects of his grief and it's a major part of his arc and the way he behaves throughout the movie. But godforbid a teenage boy griefing his dead mother and dealing with a neglectful father isn't a "perfect sunshine boy" who isn't allowed to grief (by the narrative).

And yeah, I genuinely love the movie, but even I can acknowledge Adrien needed 1 or 2 more scenes for his arc to wrap up better (but even with that it's miles better than the show and THAT is the problem, that even a movie with problems still did it better by a landslide).

Though I love both Adriens, the core difference is how I genuinely love the actual on screen movie!Adrien, while with show!Adrien I love the potential and the few good moments that shine through the bullshit, but they become rarer with every season.

Like, the whole reason I love show!Adrien is BECAUSE he can be a little shit just as much as movie!Adrien, and one of the reasons I hate his writing in recent seasons is BECAUSE they've been forcing him into the "perfect sunshine boy" role that people have been blindly buying into.

Movie!Adrien is imperfect, makes mistakes, acts irrational, is allowed to have his own emotions,, isn't always the "oh, so perfect husband material", he's his own person first and love interest second, and THAT is why I love him.

[spaceytoxinz]

My massive Gideon headcanon (it's sad OUGH)

(cw for mentions of childhood abuse/neglect. doesn't get graphic but there's mentions of it)

So for starters this is going based on the little bits and pieces we even have of Gideons personality, I'm not a professional psychologist or anything, I just like studying psychology and I have random experiences cause i have like c-ptsd n shit so I'm mostly basing it off that (ME PROJECTING AGAIN?!??!?) so yeah

Alr so for starters, I feel like there's 2 reasons why Gideon became the way he is. Either he was a spoiled brat with daddy's money who was never humbled (which I'm pretty sure fits Lucas more cause of that one line)OR he did not have the ideal upbringing at ALL. So I feel like the second option makes a lot more sense from a psychological standpoint. First of all, he very much prefers having control/power over other people and situations, like he NEEDS to have the upper hand. Another thing to point out is that one line were he says hes been stuck in his own head since he was born or smth (the glow stuff yadda yadda). so from that, I think that he had some sort of trauma where he was neglected or even abused during childhood (mostly going off personal experiences rn). I think the hypersexual headcanon also fits into this very well, especially with the possibility of him being neglected/abused. It's his way to gain control of a situation in a way, a way to get attention (not being an attention whore, more like the emotions in the moment) , its also a quick way to get serotonin i guess i forgot the specific chemical. But yeah, this bitch would do anything to avoid dealing with his own emotions. he's aware of his issues but chooses to almost run away from them and resort to self destructive behaviors to "cope". if his needs were never met (specifically emotional) and if it is all he was surrounded by, it would make sense for him to just straight up ignore ramona until she left. like he was probably conditioned by this trauma and would continue what he "learned", not that it's a good thing lmfao but im pretty damn sure he has major abandonment issues, i mean shit he literally froze his other ex girlfriends and mentions how one day they will all go out with him.

But ya you cannot convince me that gideon was a spoiled little kid while im at it imma project and say he grew up in poverty and now impulsively spends money to cope /hj

anyways i've been typing all of this out during physics and im still manic so if shit doesn't make sense its probably because of that, hopefully nothing sounds off cause of it, especially since i know this stuff personally.

[moe-broey]

Do you ever think about Triandra grieving for the childhood she lost when she was forced to kill her father, and the emotional burden of hiding the truth from Peony? And how Triandra feels her anger towards her father will make people view her as despicable?

MAN........ I've absolutely been rotating this in my brain... I'm very much still in the early stages of parsing out How to write her, and huge props to everyone who helped me consider the broader picture too (category 5 tunnel vision incident 😓)

LIKE. ABSOLUTELY these are huge impactful things about her... I think something else I was reminded of that was really significant to look directly at was, how her lost memories also affect her mental/emotional state. And the fact that it's not just a case of repressing the memories psychologically (though, I think you could take creative liberties and explore that route on top of what happened canonically). It's Freyja who wipes Triandra's and Plumeria's memories whenever it becomes too painful for the girls or inconvenient for Freyja, as well as a way to keep them dependent on her. And like I talked a lot about the girls not being able to process what happened to them, having to grow around the pain, but I think what I completely neglected to consider was well!!! How COULD they even address it, if their memories were also being shut down and locked up within themselves.

So like... absolutely, and I have been thinking about this nonstop, I do have to reconsider A Lot in how I was approaching How To Write Triandra. She really would be starting completely from square one. Which, I think that aspect went over my head a bit cause personally, I'm so far beyond that point? And I think, because of that, I was REALLY struggling to even place where to start when attempting to capture her, haha. I think maybe I was ten steps ahead of where I really should be starting!

LIKE!! Before I get way too off topic LMFAO, I think what you're asking is what I was asking myself. I was REALLY fixated on the father-murder bit (because. Well. It is significant). But now, I almost think, I have to go further back?? Like, emotional processing-wise. Augh... but also full disclosure I AM still having A Lot of trouble pinning anything down LMFAOO

I think. To best answer your question. I think, the grief of lost childhood would have to come much later. After maybe, unpacking the reality of her situation, and fully internalizing that it (wasn't her fault? That's what I want to say, but also, I'm unsure what the trauma work response would be for a child who killed their parent in self-defense/to protect a younger child). I do know, she would have to work through her beliefs that she's irredeemable, despicable, nothing but trouble, before she can even get to the point of grieving for herself. I think, what would make this more difficult for her is her current role as a bringer of nightmares -- not only does she have this horrifying burden from her childhood, she also feels terrible about having to give mortals nightmares. Which is something current-day for her that reinforces her belief that she's a bad person, that she does nothing but cause trouble and make others suffer. (Now may be a good time to disclose I'm a bit behind on the current FBs rn LMFAO, but I do like the direction they're taking/I really believe it's overdue!!! Recontextualizing nightmares as either information that can be useful for someone to navigate in their waking hours, or maybe there's a handful of strange individuals who Want to have nightmares. For. Reasons 👍) And we haven't even GOTTEN to Peony yet!!!!!! AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Any which way! As I parse out the story I want to write, a huge shift in approach is tone. I think, what needs to be most present, is compassion. There's still conflict, I still really want to characterize her as somewhat antagonistic -- I think, maybe, she doesn't know how else to reach out. And I still want there to be apprehensiveness, a practicality that can be cold. But at the core, I really want there to be kindness. And I think that Was always the goal, but again! I do think I've had to change the way I've been thinking about it! 😅 Just like. Compassion! ENHANCE

[themadcapmathematician]

By far one of the most frustrating things about having a shitty childhood and family is that, for me, its not that i want to keep talking about it and writing about it and writing from that perspective all the time forever, its just the frame of reference i understand, i genuinely can not wrap my head around a childhood and a familial dynamic that isnt colored by it

[dragynkeep]

Weiss schnee in v5: everyone has their own version of loneliness, including Blake, you, and me. We should be more understanding of each other and our trauma

Also weiss schnee in v8: lmfao fuck my 15 year old brother I know I abandoned him but he just needs to get over it or else I'll just neglect him and make him feel even lonlier. That'll teach him to be snarky to me.

Wow thanks Weiss, nice to know all that emotional development you had went to great use, 100%. I hate v8 Weiss, what did they DO to her. They literally gave Weiss the PERFECT moment with her brother to put all her growth to the test. Everything she said about ppl having their own version of lonliness when speaking to yang about how Blake ran away and hurt yang (compounding her own abandonment issues) could have been the a great parallel for weiss' issues with her brother, but instead weiss didn't even follow her own advice.

I guess you die a hero or live long enough to become a villain.

it’s amazing how much they fumbled not only the schnee arc, but weiss’s personal arc where she as a sister should see her little brother suffering the same loneliness & abuse she did & should want to help him yet ... instead she pointed a loaded weapon in his face & treated him like a burden while acting like their abuser.

it’s incredibly disappointing & infuriating to see by writers who seem to pride themselves on handling “ abuse storylines ” with care & authenticity.

[pk-majora]

exploring my natal chart like pt 13 i think. found another really great website for a free chart astro-charts.com

I was born during a waning crescent moon and a lot of planets were in retrograde when i was born.

"A Waning Crescent is a wise, aged moon that has already experienced every phase in the cycle. This causes people born under a Waning Crescent to possess special talents or knowledge. Having this unique perspective can lead to a life of success, imagination, and fulfillment."

SOURCES: https://www.yourmoonphase.com/blogs/your-moon-phase/what-the-moon-phase-on-your-birthday-says-about-you#:~:text=A%20Waning%20Crescent%20is%20a,success%2C%20imagination%2C%20and%20fulfillment.

"Retrograde Mercury: These people absorb thoughts and ideas through repetition and osmosis rather than careful, deliberate study. Constantly editing, reviewing, rethinking, replaying it in their mind. Own best teacher. Questions what others accept as gospel. More capable of dealing with abstractions and impressions than those with Mercury direct.

Retrograde Jupiter: These people are capable of taking advantage of opportunities that others ignore or pass by. They prefer to “take another crack” at things others have tried and failed. Their moral and ethical code, religion, and philosophy are their own. They seek answers from within rather than subscribing to the dogma of the outside world. They seek abundance in new, untried, and unproven areas.

Retrograde Saturn: These people may doubt their worthiness as human beings. May avoid taking responsibility for their mistakes and be fearful of taking chances. There is often subconscious fear of rejection and loss. Their limitations and burdens are self-imposed. This may be the most difficult retrograde.

Retrograde Uranus: Here is a natural-born rebel. Strong reformer instincts — for everybody else. These folks have a strong inner need and desire to persistently test their personal abilities against those of others. They must constantly prove themselves to themselves. In seeking greater freedom for themselves, they may limit the freedom of others.

Retrograde Neptune: These people may be confused inwardly as to whether they are “virtuous” or not. Persistently seek to help others, whether their help is wanted or not. They are more susceptible and more easily taken in by others."

SOURCES: https://www.mollysastrology.com/lessons/retrograde-planets/

Some other information about my chart:

"Most of the inner planets are located in the top hemisphere

Mars is on the Midheaven

Ascendant and Mc are in 9 aspects

Venus in Libra and Uranus in Aquarius are in the signs of their rulership.

The Square aspect occurs the most, a total of 11 times

Uranus and Neptune are rising

The bottom right quadrant is empty

The Fixed mode is dominant among the inner planets"

SOURCES: astro-charts.com (they give you all that info if it applies to you when you make your chart super cool website)

Based on my chart from cafeastrology.com I have:

6 masculine/4 feminine placements

3 cardinal/4 fixed/3 mutable mode placements

and my breakdown by element is 3 fire/3 earth/3 air/and 1 water sign lmfao which is my scorpio mars + midheaven lmfao.

Going to see if I can find out what that all means too lmfao.

Also found some really cool websites with info on chiron and lillith placements.

"Chiron is the wounded healer and shows our long-term wounds that often come from a past lifetime. Chiron in Libra is the particular wound of relationships.

We tend to overcompensate in Chiron areas by becoming a bit extreme. It’s natural to try and “fix” the wound, but often I find that we chase a solution to fix our Chiron, instead of uncovering the solution inside of us.

Unlike other planets, it’s hard to ignore your Chiron. It will hit you in the face, over and over, and can make your life pretty terrible, especially if you don’t know how to work with it. The Chiron in Libra wound is especially difficult because it’s all about relationships, something we deal with almost every day.

Chiron in Libra means that you feel like there is something missing from your life. Usually, this “something” is your soul mate.

The Chiron in Libra wound might feel like a hole inside you. You may spend time trying to fill it with things from the outside world. You might also feel as though the world is just a bit off-balance at all times.

With Chiron in Libra, you are hurt by loneliness, but you are also hurt by relationships. Whether you’re in a relationship or are alone, the wound is there. Chiron in Libra shows itself no matter how hard you try to hide it.

There can be a lot of anxiety and guilt surrounding the Chiron in Libra wound. These people typically feel inadequate socially as a child, regardless of whether or not this is apparent to others.

This Chiron in Libra wound can show itself in a variety of ways. Often, these people feel alone and incomplete without a relationship, but they never find the fulfillment that they’re looking for in any relationship, either.

The Chiron in Libra wound usually manifests as conflict in interpersonal relationships. It is really difficult for these folks to have relationships without triggering the wound. This can include conflicts in romantic relationships, as well as partnerships and friendships. If you have Chiron in Libra, be wary of self-neglect in relationships.

Most relationships for the Chiron in Libra person will be karmic. It is important for these folks to focus on relationships in order to heal the wound, but this spotlight must have the intention of learning and working on ways to approach relationships that are more authentic.

It’s not abnormal for the Chiron in Libra person to wear a mask in a relationship. It might be really hard for them to show their true self to their partner for fear of losing the relationship.

The terror of being alone makes it hard for a Chiron in Libra person to get out of a relationship, even if it becomes unhealthy. It’s not uncommon for these relationships to have some sort of abuse involved in them, mainly because the Chiron in Libra person is passive and malleable, so they’re really a prime target.

I find that those with Chiron in Libra tend to give far more than they receive. This is most likely due to their fear of being left alone. There are definitely “people-pleaser” tendencies with this placement; these are the classic conflict-avoidant individuals.

Alternatively, the Chiron in Libra individual can be so afraid of being alone that they refuse to engage in relationships at all. I don’t see this outcome as much, but it is certainly a possibility. These people are often able to give others relationship advice that they can’t follow themselves.

Typically, the Chiron in Libra person gets into relationships with those who show a mirror image of the qualities they can’t see in themselves. They might also give to their partners what they aren’t able to give to their inner selves.

A Chiron in Libra individual might live a double life. It’s easy for them to hide who they truly are inside if they feel that they must put on a face in order to stay in a relationship. Sometimes, these people will do this for years, even while living with a partner.

This really is the classic Romeo & Juliet placement. Chiron in Libra is all about sacrificing yourself for the partner. Often, individuals do this because they are desperately trying to heal the wound, but it doesn’t fix it.

I find that most Chiron in Libra placements are developed in a past life. Unlike other wounds, this wound is about karmic relationships, so Chiron in Libra people will usually meet the same souls over and over until the wound is healed.

Sometimes, these Chironic beliefs are cemented by parents or through other early life experience, but the original wound almost always comes from a relationship trauma in a past life.

The first step to healing Chiron in Libra is to recognize that the true soul mate is within. The Chiron in Libra person is constantly looking to fill that “soul mate” void with other people, but they will only feel truly complete by connecting with the inner self.

You will find with this placement that others reflect your own needs back to you. If you see qualities in others that you feel you lack, then it’s time to try and discover those qualities within yourself instead of outsourcing.

You will need to learn how to be authentic in a relationship, without hiding any part of yourself. You probably feel fear that you might be left alone if you do reveal your true self, but this is fear that you have to process and move through. It’s okay to be afraid. The lesson with Chiron in Libra is to do it anyways!

Unconditional love for the self is something that will be helpful for you to develop. You will learn, by doing this work, that separateness and aloneness were simply illusions. I find that energy work can be especially helpful, as well as meditation and inner work."

SOURCES: https://teaandrosemary.com/chiron-in-libra/

(Lillith in Virgo) "Rebellion against order; provocative humour.

Their sensuality is strongly suppressed by trying to appear calm; emotional conflicts often occur because it is very difficult for these people to feel relaxed. They want to suppress their instincts or they appear to be cold and perverted.

Beware of alcoholism and surgery of the intestines."

SOURCES: https://horoscopes.astro-seek.com/lilith-in-virgo-sign-astrology-meaning

I also have something called a yod that i dont quite understand yet lol. it looks like an isosceles triangle in my chart between my MC, North Node, and Saturn and it looks like its pointing at my saturn but idk what that means lol. the chart on astro-charts.com just let me know i have it lmfao.

[babbushka]

how is anakin better than kylo

anakin:

was a child slave ripped from his mother with the promise of a better future 

worked hard his entire adolescent and young adult life to prove himself to people who had no desire to recognize him

struggled with trying to conform to a system that is specifically designed to repress and oppress emotions despite being a child who likely already has trauma in his life from, being a literal slave 

anger and hatred begins to fill him because he has no other means of dealing with his trauma, especially post the death of his mother 

eventually rejects this system because it fundamentally does not work, turns towards a new system which is believes will actually help the people and not the pockets of those in power

commits murder, genocide, lets the darkness flow through him, becomes Evil 

many years down the road is confronted with his actions and the weight of what he has done when he discovers his children (luke & leia) survive 

he tries to convince luke to join him, and when luke shows him that he won’t, Vader begins to question himself and if the things he has done are worth this life 

In the end, when he sacrifices himself for Luke by killing Palpatine (which, thanks fuckin’ d/lf for that one) he recognizes that the things he has done were evil, the things he has done are despicable, and if there is one thing he can do to make it right, it’s give his son this, give his son this chance of peace and hope for the galaxy. 

When Luke tries to take Vader with him, he says ‘no i have to save you’ and Vader responds, ‘you already have.’ and he dies knowing that while what he did was wrong, he could at least have done this one thing. 

kylo:

grew up loved and supported by a wealthy family who tried their best to care for him and ultimately failed

family neglected him, did not have time for him, did not stop manipulation from snoke to work its way into his head

was sent away to live with Luke on the island 

anger and hatred grows, furthered by Luke’s betrayal 

turns to the dark side

loves the dark side

furthers himself in the dark side

commits murder and genocide, torture abduction, more murder

kills his dad, who tried reaching out to him and bringing him back to the light side

kills his uncle, who tried reaching out to him and bring him back to the light side

repeatedly attempts to kill his cousin, who tries repeatedly to reach out to him and bring him back to the light side

kills the man who manipulated him in the first place, but instead of returning to the light, he further buries himself into the dark, obsessed with this new amount of power

tries to convince Rey to join the dark side and then tries to kill her when she doesn’t want to

finds out palpatine is back and instead of killing him like his grandfather before him to bring peace to the galaxy,,,,,,,,,agrees to his terms and tries to go kill off the rebellion again 

gets the shit kicked out of him by rey 

hallucinates his dead dad (whom he killed) telling him that he’s a Good Guy Now

figures the literal least he could do is help this girl since he knows hes going to die anyway

dies with absolutely no regrets for the things he’s done lmfao 

like they’re not even comparable lmao 

[firelord-frowny]

i’m Extra Pissed because apparently my old violin teacher, who is without a doubt THE MOST EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE PERSON I HAVE EVER KNOWN IN MY FUCKING LIFE, blocked me on facebook. and literally?? there is not one single plausible reason for why she may have done this other than the possibility that someone whom i confided in about the outright abuse she put me through blabbed to her.

because literally like... in all my years of knowing this absolute nightmarish woman, I never once said a single disrespectful word to her. i never once even tried to defend myself against her gaslighting and shaming, or try to call out her fucking delusions. and i happen to know that when OTHER people have attempted to call her out, or when other people have expressed how damaged they felt because of her, she would cry ~mental illness~ and claim that because she’s bipolar or whatever the fuck, anyone and everyone who attempts to draw the line with her and her foolishness is being Mean and Ableist against her, and no matter how fucking miserable she makes anyone else, it’s always poor, poor her.

so like. literally the ONLY reason i can think of for why she would block me is because someone must have told her that i said she made me want to fucking kill myself (true) or that she made me want to quit violin (true) and that she traumatized me so much that i don’t even fucking know who i am around her (true) or that she used to tell me to do something one way and then the next week she would yell at me for doing it that way and insist that she told me to do it a different way and if I tried to tell her she was mistaken she would berate me and threaten to stop teaching me because of my “attitude problem” (true) or that she sabotaged my college auditions by forcing me to play repertoire that was WAY TOO ADVANCED for me (true) and that whenever I wasn’t able to learn something as fast as she wanted me to, she never once considered that perhaps she wasn’t doing a very good job teaching it to me or that it was just too hard for me, and she instead insisted that i wasn’t trying hard enough or practicing enough and she made every single thing i struggled to do into a fucking character flaw on my part (true.)

Like, her becoming aware of any of that shit is the ONLY reason i can think of for why she’d block me, and I’m just so fucking livid because if she were a decent fucking person, the proper response would have been to reach out to me to talk about it. To say “I had no idea you were so unhappy while you were studying with me. I certainly never meant to cause you so much emotional strife. Can we talk about this and clear the air?”

But instead, because she can’t accept the fact that her fucking shit stinks, she blocks me lmao. Even though I’m the one who had all the reasons to block her. Even though I’m the one who had literal panic attacks just from seeing her name pop up in my messages. Even though I’m the one who she talked down to in front of my students. Even though I’m the one who, to this very day, struggles with violin way more than I should because she just fucking flat out neglected to teach me the basic foundational skills that i would need to actually become as amazing as i could have been.

she’s a great teacher in a lot of ways, but she fucking used me lmao. she used me to try to make herself look good. she force fed me music that was way too hard for me so she could point at me and say “look, my student is playing the dvorak concerto! Look, my student is playing Zigeunerweisen! Look, my student is playing Paganini’s 24th caprice! I’m such an amazing teacher!”

and then when i couldn’t fucking do it, she made it my fault. Not her fault for giving me more than I was ready for, but MINE for not being able to just magically learn everything.

She got me to where I could sound good, and then she just fucking stopped teaching me basically lmao. She got me to where I sounded professional, and then just started shoving music at me and humiliating me when I couldn’t play it.

And right now I’m just bubbling over with anger because I fucking held my tongue all that time. I never fought. I never argued. I never spoke out about what a nightmare she was. I never badmouthed her, other than to confide in people I trusted about how much she hurt me.

But SHE goes and blocks ME????

But lmfao this is such a fucking blessing in disguise. The only reason I even discovered she blocked me is because I was going to message her and ask her if she had room in her studio for a few violin students that I thought would do really well with her. But THANK FUCKING GOD she blocked me, because otherwise my idiotic lapse in judgement may have resulted in several innocent girls being subject to the same abuse that I was. Yes, they would have become better violinists, but they also would have become miserable fucking human beings. And there are teachers out there who are WAY BETTER THAN HER with the added bonus of night being a fucking soul sucking demon.

Literally, the kind of trauma she inflicted on me is exactly as severe as what a narcissistic parent does to their child.

Case in point, here I am knowing DAMN FUCKING WELL how malicious and selfish and manipulative and abusive she is, and I know DAMN FUCKING WELL that even if I had done or said anything that would provoke her to block me, I would have been 100% within my rights to do so... AND YET I’m still feeling that same anxiousness, that same absolute guilt and shame that I would feel any time I failed to live up to her expectations. I KNOW I’m right to fucking hate her and yet I still feel like a bad person.

the only fucking thing i ever did wrong was that i kept my fucking mouth shut throughout all her shit. the only thing i EVER did wrong was not tell everyone who would listen how she was emotionally abusing me.

[rat---bastard]

From here.

Lmfao my personality shaping in action ppl 💔✌

Let’s play, “was I abused” game! Reblog and bold the things your parents have done to you! Italicize if you’re not sure. (copy paste it all and then bold)

Physical abuse

parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson

parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good

parent pulled on my hair to force me to move

parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me

parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them

parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them

parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body

parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them

parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping

parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life

parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries

parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say

parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat 

parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me

parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture

parent forced me into sexual activities

Emotional abuse

parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once

parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice

parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun

parent insulted and devalued something really important to me

parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me

parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once

parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault

parent shamed me for my physical appearance

parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough

parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all

parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults

parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort

parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms

parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness

parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter

parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst

parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them

parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away

parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change

parent refused to accept my sexuality (and gender)/tried to force it to change

parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation

parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy

parent assured me that nobody will ever want me 

parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse

parent made me responsible for their (emotional) well being and made me the caretaker

parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”

parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time

parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries

parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge (tried and threatened to)

parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence

parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me

Psychological Abuse

parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything

parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks

parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start

parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy

parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument

parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it 

parent threatened to leave me

parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did

parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions

parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation

parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof

parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me

parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did 

Neglect

parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly

parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick (counting my chronic illness)

parent didn’t notice I was injured

parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school

parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma 

parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed

parent didn’t notice I was depressed

parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself

parent didn’t notice I was suicidal

parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused

parent didn’t notice I was being bullied

parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed (again, chronic illness)

parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care

parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive

when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it

Financial Abuse

parent made me feel ashamed for needing money

parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them

parent only gave me minimal money to survive 

parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me

parent took the money I earned from me

parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)

parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions

parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything

parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves

parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not

parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity

parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age

parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them

If you bold more than 5 things, you have been through abuse. For some particular ones, even one true thing on this list means you’ve been badly harmed by your parents. Also this list is not complete, there are many more abusive behaviours not listed here, feel free to add!

Bonus Round:

Favored sibling over me

Allowed sibling to steal from me and harm me largely without consequence

Didnt allow me to defend myself from sibling

Subtly encouraged sibling to lash out at me by setting the example of doing so and joining in or allowing them to join in

Controlled friend group/chose friends for me, well into teen years

Had to approve movement outside of the house and transportation, well into teen and adult years

Tons of religious abuse, too much to list here

lashed out verbally at me whenever i was a convenient target

Lied to neighbors about what happened when i retreated to their house for safety, convinced them i was to blame and maintained friendship with them

Did similarly to other adults who were kind to me

threw me and chased out of the house

had altercations with me

Grabbed me

Hit me with fists

Mocked me for trying to run away

Manipulated me into feeling bad for them

Accused me often of lying or being malicious or manipulative when i wasn't

Declared i would be disowned if i were transgender and transitioned

Fake apologies

Improper mental and physical health care

Moved, packed away, and looked through things of mine without permission

Disapproved of many interests and hobbies

Double binds

Constant policing of behavior, including normal and/or nonharmful behavior

Refused to believe in medical diagnosis

Refused to believe self reported pain, even in potentially life threatening situations

Forced me to attend college without the righ accommodations

Used student loan money to pay off loans

Could not remember how much was used

Would not allow me access to college loan information or fund

Required release forms in parents name be signed for medical and mental health care into adulthood

Conclusion: yes lmfaoo

[albertserra]

Dissociative amnesia is associated with having experiences of childhood trauma, and particularly with experiences of emotional abuse and emotional neglect. People may not be aware of their memory loss or may have only limited awareness. And people may minimize the importance of memory loss about a particular event or time.

like... LMFAO

being on this site has done so much damage to my definition of the word dissociation so when he asked if i ever dissociated my immediate reaction was to say no but like... really thinking abt it and reading abt different kinds of dissociation. hm

[stluciasstudentjail]

FOR RENEE: 3, 4, 7, 14, 17, 24 LMAO, 30. FOR CAS: 1, 4, 16, 17, 18, 30, 14. FOR CAMERON: 4, 7, 10, 11, 14, 18, 22, 30. FOR ALISTER: 1, 7, 14, 18, 20, 30 LMAOOOOO. FOR RORY: 1, 4, 7, 8, 10, 17, 20, 21, 22, 30.

Renee: 

3) Uhh, wine? She over indulges on the alcohol a bit, mostly when she’s partying. Other than that, she can get a little too intense with her exercise regimen b/c it keeps her away from more unhealthy addictions. 

4) She becomes really serious and kinda intense. Basically she’ll just focus on eliminating the problem and shove all her emotions to the side until it’s over.

7) She likes… her looks. Like, she’s very proud of them and is extremely vain. Also, her dancing skills and general athletic abilities.  As for what she hates? Her temper and literally everything else. But especially her temper.

14) It doesn’t really matter to her where she is, she just likes to be around a lot of people b/c she hates to be by herself. She usually seeks out some form of distraction either by hanging out with her friends or having casual encounters on like… idk, craigslist. (not rly)

17) Either get really quiet or really overly cheerful. Sometimes she’ll switch between the two and effectively horrify an entire room of people. 

24) She likes some bdsm, but nothing too crazy. Usually she prefers to top, but she’s not completely opposed to switching if she’s comfortable. But, u kno…. she just likes to be in charge. 

30) Someone she loves dying, obviously. But also like, getting injured protecting her or something like that. It’s just really hard to make her cry lmao. 

Cas:

1) He thinks it’s important to be street smart and resourceful, which is ironic because he isn’t either of those things lmfao. 

4) He acts like a frazzled 50’s housewife when under any stress, severe or not. He’ll voice his concerns openly and obnoxiously and generally will just be no help to anyone.

16) With positive emotions he’s perfectly comfortable expressing himself, but when he’s upset he’s more passive aggressive about it. Until he gets really angry and it turns into a big shitshow. In other words, even when he’s trying not to show his emotions he will anyway. 

17) He’ll go through like the 5 stages of grief when he’s upset about anything. But like, he usually goes to a friend. Maybe cries in their bathtub for awhile. Only he doesn’t always talk about the problem, sometimes he just kinda… stays there.

18) The way he doesn’t think before he does something stupid pisses everyone off, especially if it’s something that endangers the whole squad. 

30) A lot of things, it’s not actually terribly hard to make him cry. Reliving bad memories can sometimes make him cry a bit, or if he’s in a really bad fight with a friend or s/o.

14) His pals. Not so much his family bc he feels a bit uncomfortable around them now, but he seeks people out for emotional support even if he’s just rambling stupidly at them.

Cameron:

4) Uh, like an idiot. He’ll run his mouth a lot, and try to find an immediate solution for whatever the issue may be even if it’s dumb af. And as we know, he’ll also get belligerent.

7) He thinks he’s super funny and interesting and generally a treat to be around, so there’s that. And he hates how he isn’t able to fistfight himself out of any situation without help. Bc.. u kno.

10) Alister and also Rae.  But in general, ppl who are physically and emotionally strong and whomst have the skill to get out of difficult situations. 

11) Fuckin uhhh he feels guilty about not living with his mom, even tho he knows it’s irrational and everything he still kinda feels like he betrayed her.

14) When he’s not complaining about his problems to his brother, he sometimes just likes to clear his head by just going on a long ass walk. probably hoping to fistfight some1

18) Idk, his belligerent nature? And also the way he teases ppl can rub them the wrong way sometimes, even if he’s just joking around.

22) He genuinely believes in ghosts, demons, aliens… etc. A lot of it’s kinda stupid, but he’s always 100% up for dabbling in the supernatural. He may be possessed by an actual demon i swtfg. 

30) He doesn’t cry that easily, but sometimes when he gets rly overwhelmed he will. Usually he tries to hide it tho bc he thinks he’s tough but he AINT

Alister:

1) He values the skill to get out of dangerous situations lmao, basically being smart and keeping a cool head and doing everything the squad doesn’t. Also that’s the same set as values as cas which is unfortunate and embarrassing for him :(

7) Fuckn… doesn’t really like much of anything. He takes some pride in his ability to defend himself and others, but there aren’t really any aspects of his personality that he sees as good. I’m pretty sure he hates everything else.  

14) He’ll drink lmfao. Not usually so much that he gets plastered, but that’s how he copes with his problems as we KNO

18) Mayhaps… the fact that he’s grumpy af? He comes off as unfriendly and sometimes borderline mean so yeah lots of ppl aren’t exactly CHARMED. I sure the fuck wouldn’t be.

20) I mean, it’s pretty transparent that he’s not actually a complete asshole. We all been knew. 

30) Not fuckin much. Someone would have to literally die or be screwed over permanently by something he caused. 

Rory:

1) Killing all men lmfao. Anyway, she’s into sports and stuff but she also thinks it’s important to be successful academically, which is… surprising. 

4) She’ll get really meek and quiet lmfao, which is a win for everyone. It’s easy to tell when she’s stressed. 

7) She likes how tough she thinks she is even tho she AINT. And she hates her abrasive personality bc I mean… it’s not a good look.

8) She hates it when people don’t stand up for themselves or their opinions, and appreciates ppl whomst actually have a spine. Even if they don’t agree with her. 

10) Mostly she only idolizes women. Particularly if they’re able to handle themselves in a fight and maybe want to mother her. She’ll pretty well immediately respect any cool mother/older sister figure.

17) Uh, cry. She’ll go off by herself and cry for like 2 hours.

20) Hot take, but most of the worst aspects of her personality come from her trauma and she’s actually a nice kid sometimes. We been knew that, though.

21) Not as much as Cameron and Aubrey, but she’ll occasionally stir things up if she’s feeling neglected. 

22) She says she doesn’t, but she lowkey believes in ghosts and is obviously terrified of them. 

30) She cries pretty easily, she just normally holds it in until she’s alone. But like, if she gets into a huge fight with her equally evil bf she will in fact cry over it.

[soundof-rain]

Journey with spirituality pt.2

Failing with “magical” trinkets and oils led me to do the spiritual work the good old fashioned way, shadow work. Shadow work can be anything for anyone but in a general sense it’s confronting the parts of yourself that you’ve neglected or otherwise ignored & heal it, forgive it, show it love as you would your favorite part of yourself. Shadow work can be a bit tricky to get into especially if you’re anything like me, someone who plainly ignored things about myself I didn’t like or didn’t want to deal with, it can be hard to even recognize these parts and pieces of yourself because you don’t even acknowledge them to begin with; almost like you forgot about them completely but you never really do. And so i began using meditation as a insight tool to help me recognize what it is that I needed to heal within myself besides the so very obvious depression, anxiety & drug abuse. For me it was easier to take time and really delve into these parts of myself because i’ve always spent copious amounts of time by myself in my room, my mother created this super annoying say around the house that I’m “hibernating” because of when I used to sleep 25/8 in my really bad days of depression or otherwise just hiding from the rest of the family because I couldn’t be bothered, and it stuck like glue giving me even more reason to stay cooped up in my room to avoid the “ Oh she’s not hibernating anymore, Oh we finally see you today huh?” remarks. It became normal to not see or hear from me for days, sometimes weeks at a time since I was pretty quiet anyways so it never raised any alarm that I was m.i.a majority of the time. As I said before I believe that spending so much time alone played a huge part in my spiritual journey because it was never really difficult to sit with myself and dive deep, I did it on the regular, the hardest part was looking at it from a different perspective and understanding, like REALLY understanding. I knew that this process wouldn’t happen overnight so I was prepared to go through the highs and lows of this transition no matter how long it might take because in the end I would be further than where I began and better than what I was when I began, this provided me with all the solace I needed. The first place I decided to start with my healing was with my mommy issues, my initial thought was that if I get my BIGGEST issue out of the way first everything else may not be as hard, a truth as well as a lie I would come to find out. I severely underestimated exactly how bad my trauma was surrounding my mother or authority figures in general, because again I completely ignored this part of my life as if it didn’t matter, so it definitely was a process to really shift my mindset and understand from a point of view outside of my wounded one, forgiving was almost impossible at first. My story with mothers is a sad one to say the least but not impossible to believe, I was born and immediately given up for adoption so for the longest time I had no information about my birth mother, no face, name , nothing until one day while my foster mother was out I snuck to look through our picture buckets (she hated us looking through the buckets for what I found out was fear of us discovering things she wanted to keep hidden from us) and I found a single photo hidden deep within the back of an old album of my birth mother and I. There was only one but it was all I needed to get me by at the time since I could finally put a face to a figure but what I didn’t expect was that I already knew exactly what my mother looked like; me. It was a shocking to see that I’ve been looking at my mother everyday when I look in the mirror, I was her spitting image as if I was made of her and no one else, same exact everything and even though that made me sooo happy it also made me completely sad at the same time because then the inevitable question stapled itself to the forefront of my mind; why didn’t she want me ? This question both drove and disabled me because it forced me to realize that I was in fact neglected twice in my life by two different “mothers” one I never got a chance to meet , the other just completely disregarding my presence unless it benefited her in some way. My relationship with my foster mother was fine until I was about ten years old, around the time I found out I was adopted, I always knew but hearing from my friend just made it even more real for me. It’s almost as if my foster mom had some type of super knowing because life turned to shit immediately after, of course there were still plenty good days had but I can’t remember if they even involved her to be honest, she was the type of mom that just didn’t care. Over the years I transitioned from the super intelligent star child to the mediocre rebel to the all around druggy disgrace in my mothers eyes and she never once took responsibility as to why that might be, as soon as the honor roll certificates stopped rolling out , which was pretty early on, I wasn’t of importance. The roll my foster mother played in my life is pretty questionable but so obvious at the same time, she was there physically but that’s all, emotionally & mentally she wasn’t anywhere to be found, this led to years of emotional, verbal and mental abuse and all around neglect which in turn made me raise myself even in a house full of people because no one seemed competent enough to handle the task. Early on I decided that putting my energy into hating my mother wasn’t doing me any good so I just ignored her for a good part of my life, only speaking to her when I felt like it, or needed something important, some would say that’s manipulative but you haven’t been in my shoes to understand even a half of why it had to be this way for me. Now that I decided to face my mommy demons I also had to accept my part in everything that happened which meant realizing that I too was in the wrong for my rebelling and cold behavior towards my mother even though she definitely deserved it, it still wasn’t right, moving forward with this mindset I decided to do a sort of ritual where I stated both of our wrong doings out into the open of my empty bedroom and acknowledged that she did the best of her ability with raising me  as well as forgave her for everything she’s ever done to me ( or didn’t do for me) , the release I felt in my heart that moment was such a beautiful feeling but it would be very hard to keep it there. From that point on I decided I would do better by my mother in hopes of patching our relationship for the sake of my own personal growth, I would make myself present around her more, offer my assistance more and just be present wherever she was concerned yknow do the little things that made her happy but the nice time was short lived as always since nothing could ever make her truly happy; nothing except control and money. Even though I was doing right by my mother and not complaining about her sometimes annoying needs she doubled back into her ego once more and began talking down on me like she had done so many times before in my life but this time it was relentless, literally (i have people who can vouch) every morning for months I was the topic of her discussion, every morning she made a mission to point out how lazy and problematic I was for her and how I needed to get out of her house even when I did absolutely nothing to her, this definitely took a shot to my ego because I thought we were moving past this phase for good ; of course not , not with freda. Though I was very confused and hurt I didn’t feel the need to go back into my rebellious ways I was too old for that and much more enlightened so I did what I knew best in those times, I simply cried and prayed that things would get better for me, I did began ignoring her again though because her abuse was just too much for my recovering mental to tolerate so I just focused on myself and my growth so I could get the fuck out of dodge. For a time I slipped back into drug abuse I smoked weed every single day multiple times a day like it was nothing because at the time it was and it helped me ignore her better but after a while it wasn’t fun just something to get the time to go by faster, I realized that being high severely hindered my growth spiritually so I decided to take a break for a while to help myself , I began putting my time into things I used to love doing as a child but got disconnected from due to depression and ended up deciding to write a book about depression and my experience with it. Working on this book helped me a lot as far as being useful with my time as well as giving me a healthy means to express my feelings and escape the pain I felt on a daily , I felt productive and confident knowing I was doing something that would one day help a lot of people but that was short lived as well sadly, I began getting preoccupied with other things and smoking once again. Fast forward a couple months to summer time now my mother is still belittling me every chance she gets and i’m still working on myself spiritually ignoring her presence, around this time however she began being a huge asshole about money just because she THOUGHT she knew I was getting some, she wanted me to pay rent now claiming that it had went up because of me so either had to pay or get out lmao. I’m not going to go into the details of everything that happened but here’s the long story short: My mother finally let my brother that was a year older than I come back in the house & she began using him as her slave which meant she didn’t need me around anymore once again ( this is when the lovely morning messages started ) the only way I could stay in her presence was to pay her no if and’s or buts about it, I wasn’t doing that though because I literally didn’t do shit inside the house but shower and sleep she was even bold enough to tell me that once I paid rent I could eat inside the house again LMFAO she had to be crazy, this didn’t sit right with her especially because she wanted me to be miserable and I wasn’t I was going out and living my life having fun as I should’ve been doing the entire time ! We stopped speaking AGAIN nothing new, now she’s directing her anger onto my brother because she knows it’s not bothering me and he’s taking it hard because growing up he was the target for her most disgusting abuse& neglect (physical too) but he never got the chance to heal from it even a little bit, so now i’m basically taking on his trauma and being his support system because I know just how fragile he and his mind really was, she upped her tactics and began removing every source of comfort we could’ve enjoyed in our supposed to be home ; we couldn’t enjoy our own porch, my room, nor the tent in the BACKYARD, she made it her mission to get us away from her one way or another but she still relied on us for help? Manipulation and abuse at it’s finest. One day following a reading I decided I wasn’t going to be intimidated or silenced by her anymore so I went downstairs and got a cup of water after avoiding her presence for so long and she asked me was I going to pay rent, i asked her how was I going to pay rent with no money, I also asked her why would I pay rent if I did nothing in the house that required me to pay rent I used minimal water compared to my olderer brother who takes 2 hour showers multiple times a day, minimal electricity compared to my young nephew who uses 2 computers, his light and almost every game he has everyday all day I barely even turn on the light in my room! This turned into a huge argument because 1. I was finally standing up for myself all the way and 2. she couldn’t handle the fact that I wasn’t going to conform to her completely stupid requests; the youngest sibling of the house having to pay rent for doing nothing meanwhile the older ones get to disrespect, fuck around, eat all the food, and pay nothing ? WAS NOT FUCKING HAPPENING ! She also hated that some of my older siblings were on my side about how stupid she sounded for why she wanted me to pay rent , “because I had a room” i’m the youngest sibling & your responsibility why shouldn’t I have a room? Excuse me according to her the minute I turned 18 i’m nothing to her and she very clearly proved that point. Back to the argument though , in the middle of it something happened , I had to turn and throw up mid argument come to find out later that that was me purging the final pieces of captivity and being scared of ms. freda and boy was it a freeing feeling, I cut the argument short after having a huge burst of anger and yelling in her face I realized that my nephew was witnessing all of this and I wanted to spare him the childhood I had so I left my final thoughts to which she gave me the end of the month to get my shit and move out I gladly agreed and went upstairs only to call my bestfriend and have a full on anxiety attack . I had never had one before at least not as intense as it had been that day I couldn’t talk I couldn’t breathe, I just sat crying, gasping  for air and throwing up whatever little was left in my body, I ended up hanging up on her at one point to spare her hearing my messy outburst and to gather myself,  even though that moment felt like forever it was short lived thank god. ~

Final part will be up soon <3

[rikkitikkitavvy]

Remember when Gamzee was passive and malleable and friendly and genuinely cared about his friends and just wanted to make them happy/not disappoint them, bc all he cared about was their approval? Remember when he was literally encouraged by Equius to subjugate/take advantage of the people around him but chose to befriend imps instead, and make their conversations about how he could make Equius happy/give him a friend to confide in rather than just boss him around like Equius wanted? Remember how his friends constantly bullied the absolute fuck out of him, said shit like "no wonder X can't stand you," for absolutely no reason, but he stayed loyal and friendly with them regardless of how poorly he was treated bc he wanted to be close to them? Yeah. That's my gamzee, and I love him and I'm still mad about how he was used as a walking joke, just an object to drive the plot and a character for people to hate. He was doomed from the start. Doomed with an absent/neglectful lusus and friends who bullied and used him. Doomed with nighterrors and apparently voices in his head due to being mentally ill. Doomed to struggle with substance abuse and eventually becomes an abuser himself, to make himself less of a helpless victim to their mistreatment and just all around the bad guy for eventually becoming the perpatrator as a result of a shit ton of trauma and literal possession/mind control, neglect and abuse. I'm not saying he's innocent but he got a bad and incredibly unfair wrap considering the cards he was dealt. Ppl fucking hate gamzee and shit on people who have loved him from the start and it pisses me off.

I just think it's fried what people will let their favorite characters get away with but Gamzee's fucking Satan to half the fandom. yes, absolutely, he's the worst character. Just all around bad and undeserving of pity or any semblance of happiness. And Ironically ppl hate him for doing exactly what Equius wanted him to do, and berated him for not doing. He was bullied for underreacting to things and being overly nice, and hated when he finally reacted. It's a lose/lose situation and I hate that I love a character so much when he was literally just made to be hated, taken advantage of, and inevitably made into a bad person and a joke, a punching bag for homestuck fans and the characters themselves. He was so sweet. He deserved better than what hussie gave him and is still giving him, idfc. He deserved redemption. Like people are willing to forgive anything so long as it wasn't gamzee who did it. I've seen people who literally loathe gamzee stan characters like vriska, dirk, mindfang, Cronus, Eridan... Like... I'm just gonna go over some of the shit these characters have done rq.

TW: R*PE, sexual assault, emotional abuse/manipulation, domestic violence, murder.

Vriska costed Tavros his legs, sexually assaulted him, forced him to kiss her/literally used her manipulation powers to make him *want* to kiss her and threw him to the ground once she realized he couldn't stand up to do it because she fucking threw him off of a cliff and paralyzed him before then. She psychologically abused him, horrifically. She's committed murder MORE TIMES THAN ANY CHARACTER, REST ASSURED, BC SHE USED TO FEED FUCKING CHILDREN TO HER LUSUS, But she's a fucking fan favorite lmfao! Hussie's favorite, too. She's done way worse than Gamzee has imo, but it's swept under the rug because she's written to be so badass XDD. but yes fuck gamzee for killing the meowrails, people only hate gamzee bc he was written from the start to be an underdog/unlikeable according to other characters, which is why his best friends are a mutant and tavros who has also been bullied and abused HORIFICALLY.

Mindfang is worse than vriska. From LITERAL r*pe via her manipul8tion powers to keeping slaves, serkets in general are fan favorites but awful people. Cronus. Ableism, sexual assault, general scumminess. Dirk. Manipulation, emotional abuse. Eridan. Murder. More than half the characters, actually, are fucking murderers. Idk just. It pisses me off how gamzee is held to different standards than all these shitbags god almost every hs character is problematic, it’s just forgiveable unless youre gamzee.

i’m so mad. where is my stupid baby