#the transition ain’t gonna actually fix the things that need to get fixed

[bingusbongusminghiskinghis]

Dang I look fucking horrific holy shit

[judethejudas]

MW2 How they would react to showering together for the first time— Slight NSFW Imagines

Gender neutral reader decides to surprise their boyfriend (Ghost, König, and Soap) by jumping in the shower with them for the first time. What do our boys think about that?

Ghost:

- Simon does a warm shower first and then transitions to cold. You found out the hard way when you decided to surprise him.

- He raises an eyebrow at you when you hop into the shower with him so suddenly, then sees you tense up and scream when the water is freezing.

- He has no shame in eyeing you up and down once you’re in and… are you really trying to escape the shower right now?

- When you try to leave, he’s already wrapping an arm around you and pulling you right back in.

- “And where do you think you’re going, love?” His gruff voice speaks in your ear and you shiver— not only because of the cold water now.

- You protest that it’s too damn cold and turn the water back to warm if you were going to stay.

- He allows it since this was a lovely surprise and he gets to see you naked and drenched in water.

- His dark brown hair is so pretty when it’s wet. Instead of pushed back it’s laying naturally and touching his forehead.

- You get to see all his scars from battle and a few from his bad past. As well as his tattoos that you always color in when you’re bored. They seem much darker in the water.

- He relaxes more when you’re tracing his scars and you two stay like that for a while.

- Then you go into your normal shower routine and Simon is not pleased.

“Love.” He says firmly but you don’t budge.

You’re washing the shampoo from your hair and have your back turned to Simon— who is watching you intensely. This is the first time you come into the shower with him and all you want to do is actually shower?

You’re playing hard to get.

And you smirk when he takes a step forward.

“Something you need, Simon?”

“You know damn well what I need.”

“Mmh. No, I don’t think I do.”

He growls and pressed his body in yours, making you lean into the wall with a cocky smile. Your hands are held up to hold the bathroom tile and you turn to look back at him, seeing his delightfully annoyed look.

“You like teasin’ me, (y/n)?”

You playfully shrug and he has to slap your ass for that— making you gasp.

“I’ll just have to fix that then, won’t I?”

You knew right then and there that the water bill was going to be very high.

A small price to pay, in Simon’s opinion. You two would be doing this often.

_____________

Soap:

- This man uses bar soap and you think it’s the funniest thing in the world when you hop into the shower, seeing him with a light green bar in his hand.

- Thankfully the water is warm and not freezing cold, like SOME men prefer it.

- He smirks when you come into the shower and he’s immediately pulling you close to his chest, giving you a big kiss and putting the soap back on the soap holder.

- You ain’t gonna catch this man dropping the soap. He knows you’ll end up slapping his ass if he does.

- You both just kiss like you’re in the rain and hold each other closely, occasionally giggling too.

- You pull away and look at his face. His mohawk is so cute when it’s wet and appears longer than it is. You secretly hope he’ll grow his hair out more because it’s such a good look on him.

- You’re going into your shower routine but he insists on helping. So now he’s washing your body and you wash his too.

- This man whispers praises to you, loving every inch and curve of your body and he peppers your skin with kisses while washing you.

- He wants you to feel loved and to feel beautiful every chance he gets.

- Perfect husband right over here.

- You feel him washing an area that’s private and you playfully smack his hand, making him chuckle.

- He’s kissing you again. And again. And again. Anywhere he can.

“How did I get so lucky..” He mumbles against your skin and you smile, running your fingers through his mohawk while he lays his head on your shoulder.

Then he leans up to kiss your lips again and you graciously accept. His rough hands come around your waist and holds you closer.

“You’re so beautiful.. so incredible..” He’s whispering in between kissing your cheek. Your jawline. Your neck. Your collarbone.

You shudder and he smirks against your skin, his hands going down to cup your ass.

“John!” You squeak and hit his shoulder with not even an ounce of strength.

He laughs and takes his hands away, giving you a kiss on your cheek instead. You take the bar of soap and give him a look, before dropping it to the floor.

“Grab that for me, would you, dear?”

“I think not, you little minx.”

“Aw, but I need to wash myself!”

“Then you can grab it.”

The two of you playfully bicker over grabbing the soap bar and you have to use liquid soap instead.

Oh well. You’d slap his ass later when he gets out of the shower.

______________

König:

- This man is new to intimacy and relationships, so he’s not very aware of the possibilities that come with having a significant other.

- So when you get into the shower with him? Goodness gravy he’s startled.

- “Oh I’m sorry, honey. I just need to shower quickly before work.” He nods and tries to hide the embarrassed look on his face. You’ve both seen each other naked so many times but he feels shy each time.

- This man refuses to see your private parts because he feels like he’s peeking. You have to reassure him that it’s okay.

- He’s a tall man, so showering is always awkward for him. And this was the biggest he could find and it still wasn’t enough. The shower head was at level with his neck so there are times where he has to duck down to get all the water.

- You offer to help him wash himself and he nods. His large size also prevents him from reaching places so a little help is very much appreciated.

- You wash his back and he’s instantly leaning into your touch for more. He feels so loved and cared for.

- You ask him to sit down on the bathtub floor and he obliges. Now the water was raining down on his whole body.

- You begin washing his hair and he loves it. The way your fingers gently brush his scalp with shampoo and massage him softly.

- He hums when you hit a good spot and moves even closer to you. His blue eyes are closed and he’s almost falling asleep.

“It feels nice, liebling..” His voice is deeper and more gentle when he’s not timid. You swoon for it each time.

“Should I shower with you more often then?”You say before leaning down and kissing his forehead.

“It would be a lovely treat.” He sighs out and relaxes more into your touch, opening his eyes and looking up at you lovingly.

You smile at him and stroke his cheek with your thumb.

“Isn’t it about time you get ready, dear? I don’t want you to be late..” His voice sounds sad when he realizes you have to go soon, but you shake your head no.

“They can survive without me for a while. Let me take care of you, my love.” You reassure him that you’re staying until you’re both done. You don’t want to leave him just yet either.

He smiles at you and holds your hand, keeping it on his cheek.

“Ich liebe dich.”

You cup his other cheek and give him a gentle kiss on his lips.

“I love you too.”

_____________

I was in the shower when I was thinking about these darling men and thus, this fic was born.

I also fucking love König omfg please give me a König in real life I beg of you universe

[pastafossa]

23-romance and 35-guilt with bucky please!

Sorry this took me a bit! ROMANCE AND GUILT COMIN UP!

Headcanon prompts can be found here!

Set below the cut because it's a little long 😅

23 - “Romance” headcanon with Bucky Barnes

Romance with Bucky is a never-ending spin of the wheel, in the best kind of way. There are times he’s incredibly, traditionally romantic, even when he’s a bit gruff about it. He brings you flowers, settles his coat on your shoulders—scent of warm leather, metal, fresh snow you eagerly soak in—whenever you’re cold. He even writes letters when he’s away—fucking handwritten letters like something out of a goddamn movie. You treasure those letters like nothing else, collecting them like the gems they are, no matter how short they may be. And god, the first time he spins you around and kisses you in the rain? You could have sworn romantic music, all violins and light piano notes, started playing in the distance.

And yet Bucky also has a hysterical habit of acting without thinking. That lack of thinking carries over into a romance with him. It’s something you find… kind of adorable honestly, especially in the beginning. Bucky is, at times, not unlike a stray cat bringing you a—fortunately not dead—present. He’ll see something while he’s out, something that reminds him of you, and the next thing he knows he’s slapping his money down on the counter. He’s always confident about it at first, this little token, eager to shove it into your hands, give you this small thing that says, I thought of you. Except… the second it’s time to actually give you this token of affection, he freezes, and what had seemed clever before suddenly seems stupid because sometimes these gifts aren’t even romantic and what would you even want with these stupid novelty waffle socks anyway, all because you made that joke about waffles? Who buys his girl waffle socks?! Those are the days you have to claw your way up his body to get into whatever he’s got in the box or bag he’s suddenly holding up out of your reach, because he will absolutely take the gift back if you don’t get ahold of it in that moment. And god damnit, you love these little gifts just as much as the flowers and chocolates. You love your goofy waffle socks, the kitschy keychain with your favorite animal on it, the tiny tin of artisan soap given all because, “you said you liked that scent a while back and I just thought… you know, it was stupid, forget it—”

“Try to take back my soap from me and I will bite through that metal arm, James Buchanan Barnes.”

Now, you just need to get him to wear some waffle socks...

35 - “Guilt” with Bucky Barnes

You thought you’d planned for all the ways his guilt might manifest: the nightmares, the cruelly self-deprecating comments disguised as sarcasm, his distaste for his scars. You rolled with it, adjusted and adapted. You curled up with him after his nightmares; you were quick to offer reassurance and affection; you made sure to kiss across his scars as easily as you did unmarred skin. You thought you had things handled.

In hindsight, you should have considered the metal arm. Or rather, how he’d feel when he accidentally nailed you across the face with it in the middle of the night as he rolled over. He couldn’t even look at you now.

“It’s not that bad,” you told him calmly, still holding the ice pack to your black eye. In truth you found the incident a little funny in a ‘of course this happened,’ kind of way but Bucky was decidedly less amused. He shook his head at you, still refusing to meet your eye as he set the bottle of anti-inflammatories down on the table in front of you alongside a glass of water. “Seriously Bucky, I’m fine.”

“I hit you,” he said simply, his jaw working as you reached up and hooked your fingers loosely in the hem of his sleep pants. “’s not fine.”

“You did it accidentally. In your sleep.”

“Still happened. Let go, Doll. Take your pills.”

You curled your fingers tighter in response. If you wanted to keep the ice pack on your eye, that meant you only had one hand free, and there was no way you were going to let go when you were pretty sure he was gonna run the second you looked away. “No. Not letting go if you’re gonna take off.”

He snorted, just a touch of amusement. “You really think you can hold me here by my fucking pants?”

“I’ve got a good grip. You’d lose the pants and I doubt even you’d run down the street naked. Even if you do, I’ll chase you so we both look crazy.”

“I’ll outrun you. Super soldier.”

“And I love you,” you shot back. “Which is infinitely stronger according to all the laws of romantic movies. Also I’ll call Sam and tell him to track you, and then he’d have video footage of you streaking. You’d never live it down.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, you’re insane,” he muttered, equal parts frustrated and fond. “Fine. ‘m not goin’ anywhere. Take your pills.”

He sounded serious enough—maybe because he knew you were serious about this—and so you reluctantly released the hem of his pants so you could work the bottle open, tapping out two pills for yourself. “Look, I get you’re upset, and I acknowledge that, but this stuff happens—”

“No it fucking doesn’t,” he snapped, his metal hand letting out a soft whir as it closed into a fist, as he kept his head turned away, though you could still see the way his lip curled up. “Most girls ain’t gotta worry about getting a black eye from a fucking metal arm when they sleep.”

"I’m going to point out that even non-metal hands hurt when they smack you in the middle of the night,” you said gently, throwing back the pills with a swallow of water. The second you were done, you continued, “and ok, so, we switch sides of the bed. Easy fix, and now if you roll over, you won’t—”

“It’s not about that!” he shouted, and the strength of the response startled you, the way each word dripped with so much venomous self-loathing you were surprised it hadn’t eaten away the floorboards beneath him like droplets of acid. He stabbed a finger at the ice pack you were still holding over your eye, baring his teeth. “You’re treating this like it’s fucking nothing, but I hurt you! Jesus, you all just keep-keep giving shit up for me—”

“Bucky—”

“—I fucking wake you up with nightmares, you all have to deal with my shit constantly, and for what? All of you doing it for who? A fucking murderer? A f.. a fucki—”

You dropped the ice pack and lurched up to your feet, reaching for him as he lifted a hand to pull on his hair, a full-body tremble running through him. He hissed when you wrapped your arms around him, recoiling from your touch as if it burned him but you hung on, knowing what was coming. And as you wound around him, clinging tight, the trembling transitioned into hitched breathing, heavy shudders as the coiled serpent Guilt rose up inside him, threatening to swallow him whole.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out. “I’m sorry, Christ, Doll, I’m so—”

“I know.” You pulled his head down to your shoulder as he groaned, finally finally returning the hug, dragging you in so tight your bones creaked with it. “I know, Bucky.”

[samwrights]

Pining After You pt. 2 [hc]

Anon requested a part 2 to Pining After You featuring Tendou, Iwa, and Bokuto 😍😍😍 this one has slightly mature themes so please read with caution!

Tendou;

Tendou must have some ridiculous masochistic side to be so ridiculously head over heels for you.

Which he totally does but we ain’t here for kinks.

Being Tendou’s best friend was really easy for you, even if no one else really wanted to be, he was funny and kind and you really didn’t mind his quirks and oddities.

For the last three years, he was practically glued to your hip. He’d walk you to class, platonically holding your hand before telling you that he would see you at lunch or be back to walk you home from school.

Literally everyone in the third year, and probably second as well, knew that Tendou loved you. Like hardcore in love with you.

He knew the basics like what your favorite color was, your favorite foods, movies you loved. He also knew your fears, and declared to try to protect you from them, even if they weren’t fears in which he could do that.

Tendou even knew more intimate details, like how you preferred to hold hands with your right one or that you always needed a blanket over your feet when the two of you cuddled up and watched a movie together.

Homework and study dates were surprisingly your guys’ thing. Whenever you felt the need to get out of the house, a trip to a local coffee shop was a must—Tendou knows your order by heart. No matter how complicated it may be.

Dinner dates were also a big favorite for the both of you. Being in high school, it was hard to afford the finer things in life, but when you could splurge on a nice meal, you and Tendou were all for it. Complete with purposely ordering different meals so you could share with the other.

Literally, all of Shiratorizawa was confused as to how you two weren’t already dating???

“It’s platonic, and it’s rather cute.” Was always Tendou’s response.

“No, you idiot, it’s one sided.” Probably Semi Semi said this, but everyone has said some variation of it.

When it came to asking you about this relationship, you were so goddamn oblivious you swore that even Ushiwaka wanted to ram his head into a wall for Tendou’s sake.

“What do you mean we’re dating?? He doesn’t like me like that?? He’s always held my hand and walked me to class since the first time we ever talked??”

💀💀💀 RIP TENDOU.

Poor boy laid it on so thick that you literally couldn’t even tell.

Y’all were a lost cause.

N e ways, the two of you are walking home from one of your dinner dates on a Saturday night, holding hands and shit.

Tendou, in a very Tendou Satori fashion, stops everything he’s doing, letting go of you when he knows that you aren’t walking forward without him.

“We graduate next week.” His voice is kinda off, no bubbly chirp or teasing drawl.

“I know, Satori, we’re in the same year ya dork.”

“And we’re going to be going away to Uni.” Okay, Tendou playing captain obvious? Weird.

“Tendou, we’re going to the same university, we decided this two years ago.” The collective pronoun sends a pang through his heart and, whether it was out of love or pain, he was unsure.

He had never been so unsure of anything in his life. Not loving you, no. He would never regret that.

“What would you do if I kissed you right now?”

ASDFHGKSLWNTI.

Despite all of your intimate moments, Tendou never put his lips anywhere near you, a vow you never knew he made to himself. He couldn’t—not without agreeing to throw himself off the deep end.

“Wait, what?” Instead of asking the question again, Tendou takes a step closer to you, closing the gap by wrapping his arms around your waist. You respond by reaching up on your tiptoes and holding his cheeks in the palm of your hands.

“I’ve always loved you.”

Iwaizumi;

My baby Iwa!! I’m gonna destroy him :-)

He questions himself every single day, how and why the fuck he fell in love with someone on the “meme team”.

The meme team being you, Makki, and Mattsun.

By second year, the three of you were so tight knit, it was natural that you would always be at their practices and matches.

Everybody thought you were dating one or both of them because of how protective they were of you.

You were an absolute joker. Sarcastic, dirty, walking troller—he has no idea how his crush even started.

Yes he does. It started with jokes during second year, when he overheard you saying that if Makki got a service ace during practice you’d suck his dick.

You were joking, your friends knew you were joking, but Iwaizumi went home that evening, wondering if you had followed through with it and couldn’t help but be jealous.

This went on for nearly everyday for a year, slowly killing him on the inside. The laughter that bubbled past your lips when you were with them, the way you would smile in pride when they scored a point. His favorite was when your friends would pick you up and carry you chest to chest when they won a match, parading you around with your ass juttng out just a little bit as your legs wrapped around their torso.

Why couldn’t he be the one carrying you? The reason you were smiling and laughing? He hated that he wanted to be the reason.

One particular practice, Iwaizumi had enough of it. His game was off entirely—every spike he made was either out of bounds or blocked by his teammates.

One of his spikes accidentally hit you in the face.

ASKLRNGKFOHMYGODHEHITYOUINTHEFACE.

Immediately, he rushed over to your side, his face redder than a cherry as he stuttered out an apology. “I am so sorry, are you—“

But you were laughing. That angelic, chime of a harp that was your laughter slowly transitioned into a bellowing guffaws. Why were you laughing?! Your nose was bleeding! “If you wanted to talk to me so bad, you could have done literally anything but that.”

Makki and Mattsun are in the background howling like hyenas.

Ever the gentleman he was, Iwaizumi walks you towards the athletic trainers office, trying to ignore what you had said to him moments ago. But you weren’t gonna let it go, hell no.

“An unforgettable first date.” You tried again, knowing full well your fellow third year was always staring and gawking at you. He wasn’t exactly subtle.

“This isn’t a time for jokes, your nose could be broken.” But Iwaizumi was loving the attention right now. Although, he couldn’t help but feel that you were treating him the same way you treated your friends, causing his envy to rise again.

“It’s only fair. I broke your heart, you break my nose.”

“What???” 💀💀💀

“Bro, you’re so obvious. Good to know our plan to make you jealous worked.” It. Was. PlaNED?! Iwaizumi was a murky, muddled mess of emotions—angry, jealous, embarrassed were only a few he could name off hand.

“So you knew.”

“You’re not exactly subtle, baby.” The pet name succeeds in flustering Iwaizumi even more, even as the two of you sat in the trainer’s office with an ice pack over your nose.

“So why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“I wanted to tease you.” The salacious grin on your lips doesn’t go past him this time.

“I’ll show you teasing.”

Bokuto;

Bokuto weakness #38: you.

This particular weakness, Akaashi noticed, sent Bokuto through a wave of emotions, rather than immediately switching into his emo mode. Perhaps he would never understand it, but he was still able to discern which part of the wave Bokuto was in.

If his sole focus on you, Bokuto would be overwhelmingly touchy no matter who he was in contact with. Unfortunately for the setter, that usually meant him but he was used to it by now.

From what Akaashi could gather, it was because all he wanted was to physically touch you in some way, shape, or form and he had no way of doing so, so he settled on touching everybody else.

He would start getting loud—louder than normal, louder than thunder. Perhaps Bokuto thought that his volume would somehow transcend other noises in the vicinity and make you hear him, wherever you were. Didn’t matter if he was in the classroom or at the gym, he wanted to be heard.

When he decided that you didn’t, Bokuto’s emo side would come out. His mind would begin to spiral, thinking of how he would never have a chance with you and he was forever cursed to never have you by his side. Unfortunately, Akaashi could only fix this during matches, as you were present as a member of the cheerleading squad.

“Bokuto, she’s watching you.” Whether you actually were or not didn’t matter, because Bokuto would immediately bring his A game. He could never look to see if you were, because he was afraid that would make his feelings obvious for you.

It was when Akaashi wasn’t there that served to be the problem, as nobody could stop his spiraling.

It came as no surprise to him that he developed a crush on you. You were happy, upbeat, and didn’t have a mean bone in your body. Everyone else thought it was just because you were a cheerleader, but Bokuto wasn’t shallow.

It was your kindness that drew him in like the warmth and glow of a candle, or like having a hot chocolate on a cold, winter evening. Bokuto wanted that warmth in his life. But he also knew it was an unattainable dream since he didn’t even know how to strike up a conversation with you.

It wasn’t until the Fukurodani sports awards ceremony that was held at the end of the year to commemorate and celebrate all of the school teams that he had even been closer than 10 feet to you.

The event was held every year as a send off to the third year captains, with the cheerleaders walking, arms linked at the elbow, with each captain to present them to the school in addition to the celebration of their achievements. In every cheerleaders free arm was a bouquet of flowers that they were to give to their respective partners.

You just so happened to be paired up with Bokuto.

He swears up and down that his heart stopped multiple times that night, or he thought the entire event was a figment of his imagination.

“Being presented by second year cheer squad member, [lastname] [name], is captain of the Fukurodani Volleyball Club, Bokuto Koutarou!” He deadass didn’t know you were only a second year

The smile you gave when everybody began clapping for him made Bokuto melt. Like a proud girlfriend.

“Congratulations, Bokuto.” You handed him the bouquet while the two of you were still on the stage, the principal listing off the volleyball team’s accomplishments.

He couldn’t stop the word vomit from coming you.

“Will you go on a date with me?” He didn’t know how to start a normal conversation, so he just skipped straight to the point. By now, the principal’s announcements had stopped, the venue had gone quiet, and everybody in the room had heard Bokuto’s question.

...

The silence was deafening and all he wanted to do was bury his head in the nearest trash can. Why why WHY DID HE JUST SAY THAT—

“Pick me up at 8 on Saturday?” The volleyball team, his team, began slow clapping until every sports team had joined in with various screams of support coming from voices he wasn’t familiar with.

Unsure of what to do with himself, he started poking your cheek. “Is this real life or am I dreaming?”

You could only laugh before dragging him off the stage so the principal could continue with the ceremony. “It’s very real, Bokuto.” The warmth that he was desperate to feel suddenly filled his chest like hot wax.

“I didn’t think you even knew I existed.” He blurts out.

“What, you think it’s a coincidence that I was your partner for tonight?”

Wanna see a specific character? Or a different head cannon? Want to see a whole story?

Send in requests!

[mamacleo]

Personal from Mom: the Good Bad Day

CW/TW: Physical distress leading to medium-duty progress, change, adaptation, and growth. Also spiritual stuff. CW: Really damned long. Sorry. I know, it's a chore, but if you follow me and Callie, you know how deeply layered a lot of this stuff is. Nothing extraneous is in there, though, I promise. You know I love labels. Like my winter distress, once called the Winter Monsters, now referred to (for accuracy) as the winter terrors. People who've known me since way back when have seen me struggle with labeling myself. They would tell me not to, and I couldn't really phrase it at the time, but what I needed to say was: no, please, don't ask me to redefine myself according to your perceptions of validity. Please accept that I am like this and help me work through it. So I want a label for the kind of day I am having today. I've been getting them more and more often without my having to try. For lack of anything catchier, I am labeling it a Good Bad Day. The word order is important! It means that there is also such a thing as a Bad Good Day, but they aren't the same. This isn't a gripe day, but this girl is just reporting. I think it's one of my bad pain days, one of those where all the weed in the world won't help. Maybe not that bad, but you may have read my description of the pain at its worst: it literally feels like each and every nerve-laden cell in your body is trapped in a vise and being crushed. Chronic pain sufferers know this day. It's that day where you cannot imagine making yourself move, yet you have to get to the bathroom SOMEhow, and ain't nobody gonna fix your coffee for you. So you do. You wake up in negative spoon territory and somehow you do it, even if "it" comprises only going to the bathroom. Now, I do have an emotional alarm clock, two actually, and their names are Adorable and Rosie. As I told my beautiful bride today, Adorabe gets this look when she realizes when, like today, only one hand is busy, and look old lady, I don't CARE if you're laying on it, I KNOW you got two hands. Let's see the other. Every morning she runs in to wake me up and get attention, and even if it irritates me some mornings, she always wins me over. Rosie comes in next for her morning affection, and...that's the start of a Good Bad Day. I'll sum up because Constant Reader knows the details. There's the pain, and the pain brings weariness. Today's promised partly-sunny day in the 60s is now just the latest in a long couple of weeks of chilly cloudfests. I'm starting to get really tired of them. We're broke for a few days and we need a couple of things. (Luckily not immediate necessities, but.) Things need picked up a bit, but there's no energy for it. I wanted to grill today, but can't see it happening. . And yet, my mood is good. Not just agreeable, but positive. The progesterone, which my love calls my "chill pills," have become the last piece in a 60-year puzzle. Callie and I remembering us joking around last night, some silly humor and some bawdy humor. Me promising that if I feel up to it (I will), I will redesign some pages for her. Realizing that, you know, it's weird, but I actually LIKE bird and squirrel videos for cats. Having a couple funny observations and sharing them. Getting to pet the outside cat, Buddy, when I brought him his breakfast. Adorable is right next to me, napping. My writing skills are in great form today, and I said a couple of things that I felt were more well-written, more helpful than before. Having people reach out just to share this or that with me privately. Feeling content because yesterday, I redefined my purpose in life, and the situation in which we live, in a way that is both rewarding and helpful to my beloved bride. Because that redefinition might not have happened without the exact right intervention at the exact right moment by my pearl, my girl, myErie (Because this is important at the end, I'm gonna sum up what happened that was so bad, Erie had to call. An issue I thought was settled turned out not to be, and that was moving to Cleveland, my girl's home town that she

misses so much. There were levels of significance to it that I just plain couldn't see because of my privilege, but the Chauvin trial brought them all to the front for her. My episodes can be weird. In this case, everything was emotional, and there were some severe conflicts involving resisting some selfish motives while trying my best to look out for her. The emotional issues involved for me triggered my BPD, of course, and the bottom dropped out and I had a really, monstrously bad episode. I isolated badly and was so overwrought, Callie thought I was going to leave. Erie intervened, made perfect sense as always, and sat with us on the phone while we worked through it. Like that, everything is right again. I say again: I will walk in front of her in case of bullets.) , responded to my plea to adopt me (to get his food!) and he asked me if I wanted to be his daughter fo real. And I said yes. So really, my breath left me and I was alive with fear and hope at the same time, and I said: "Thanks, mom." She was more than okay with it. And...Mom has a mom. Mom didn't know how much she needed a mom until one day, this powerful soul, this woman namedLinda , said the exact right thing at the exact right time...and out of nowhere, the urge, the *need,* to say this knocked at the door and took my breath away. I don't exaggerate. The last time I felt this was when my Pop,Greg And yes. She really is a mom. She really is my mom. Just thinking about it takes my breath away again. I waited my entire life, wanting a mom who never existed. And then... See, she said a thing to me that struck me hard for two reasons, and it was not long after I transitioned. It was a picture of modeling a bodice dress and looking happy, and she said, "You have a powerful strength that I'm not sure you even see yourself." It struck me hard because she is not the first to have said this, and she and the first person to say it, when I was 19, are not the only ones who have said it. I capped that and kept it so I would never lose it, and in the hopes that one day I could show it to her and say, hey, I see it now. I'm living it now. It gets amazing sometimes. The other reason it struck me so hard was that, and if she wants to talk about this I would love her to, when I reads those words, I felt something. The other day I talked about the gestalt and the lack of physical distance, and how items and artifacts can be conduits for spirit. The internet is the same way. Someone's words on the screen can be a conduit for your spirits to connect, and I felt it at the time and knew it was a different one than the other spiritual connections. The thing she said, others have said to me, but the thrill that took my breath away was that I could feel her faith. The boss who said that to me when I was 19, he had an expression that was, now that I reflect on it, quite possibly the trigger, THE moment, that things turned around. Because he was the first person to express faith in me. I mean, really, upon examination, I remember people encouraging me, but he was the first one to express faith in me. Damn, I wish I could find him and rock his world. That was what Linda said, too. Across the miles, I felt her faith. Yes, mom, I am going to say it right out loud in case I'm not being clear: you made a difference in my life. I called you mom, and that was where it started. You made my hope grow. (ASIDE: Ahh, it is NOT one of those pain days after all. Hallelujah for herbal medicine.) (Edibles hate it when you talk shit about them and get you back.) So it is a Good Bad Day. Things would probably, ordinarily, make me grumpy today, but I feel content. For today, at least, things are consonant. Nothing is bothering me. I have redefined what I saw as a coming traumatic struggle into the opportunity to guide both of us into a new and more exciting life. We are surrounded by love. The day is gray, but there are sunny days coming. We want for nothing. We're having a handfasting in two months and family will be here. In September, I'll be able, finally, to legally change my name,

and we'll change hers legally at the same time. On top of all of this, I am confident now that the 40 years in the desert is over. There is a sea change happening. You can see it in the resistance against the worst of it by the majority of Americans. The awfulness reached its worst and shocked every decent American, and the people who drove it have lost their credibility outside anyone in their sewing circle. Their influence is now waning. There are good years coming, and much to look forward to. I feel happy, and that's the weirdness that set this all off. Everything is in balance. Of course there will be bad days again. I'm still mentally ill and while it's under as much control as it can be under, it's not under total control. But I'm okay with that. I know they'll happen, but they make the sweet times sweeter. My beautiful, wonderful Lilith, you will be rewarded for all the good you do. I love you. I love our life. I love being who you need. I will do more to be who you want. Mazel tov!

[fluxedbuds]

can you go off about lalnable

ugly bitch idiot becomes a serial killer instead of going to therapy

But seriously, my take with Lalnable has always been more on the ‘fuck this guy’ side than the ‘poor sympathetic monster’ side. I don’t like seeing this guy woobified, especially because it tends to go some really concerning directions. I won’t get into it, because that’d be like slapping a label that says ‘come have discourse at me’ on my face, but let it be known, this guy ain’t got any excuses.

I’m not touching Lalnable’s potential childhood, because THATS a whole mess with no canon answer, but I do think he started out as pretty much a regular Lalna. Keep in mind, even the nicest, softest Lalna, FB Lalna, thought it was completely fine to repeatedly dunk a live bird in molten metal, because it didn’t die. And I think it’s pretty much still the state he’s in when he gets hired into Yoglabs.

Now, this is where you might start to think, ‘well gee, tumblr user Fluxed Buds, wouldnt it be easy for Yoglabs to twist that lack of moral understanding into something worse? wouldnt it mean its not his fault?’ And you’d be like, five percent right! The thing is, though, even Bird Torturer Lalna wouldn’t be any kind of okay with the kind of shit Lalnable ends up doing- there’s no boiling the frog situation possible, because there’s NO easy transition point into being the kind of person Lalnable becomes. At least one Lalna has quit Yoglabs because it was too evil, theres no reason Lalnable wouldn’t have been able to do the same, or at Least escape somehow. What I think happened is Yoglabs provided an environment where Lalnable could get away with doing horrible things extremely personally, and Lalnable took that and RAN.

There’s no evidence that Honeydew, Xephos, or any of the testificate scientists end up doing the shit Lalnable does. This isn’t an environment that’s forcing people to become like Lalnable, it just doesn’t provide many roadblocks. So, like Xephos lying about Lalnable being a clone, he’s lying about why he got locked up. Employee death is just an inconvenience. Lalnable got locked up for disagreeing with how cloning should work. I’ve had a post about this in the works for a while, but my theory is that Lalnable thought clones should be a brainless workforce, mostly because he Absolutely Could Not Handle the idea of another him running around without being under his control. Which, yknow, isn’t super weird of a hangup, pretty much every Lalna has it, and I’d wager a lot of real people would have similar objections. The problem is, Lalnas are stubborn little fucks, and when Xephos wouldn’t listen, Lalnable went ballistic and started fucking Everything up. So, stick him in a cage, pry him for info until you don’t need him, then put him in stasis for stable DNA.

So, the one thing Lalnable is justified about is being pissed about all that, because Xephos was a jerk and betrayed him, and also fuck Yoglabs. And thats one of three times Lalnable has ever been right in his whole life!

So, yknow, once he’s out of Yoglabs, he’s super got no excuse to kill/kidnap/enslave entire towns and whatnot, so any chance of him being sympathetic is long gone. Dude’s a piece of shit and won’t wash his goddamn clothes. But he does have some interesting psychology I can pry apart at this point!

So, first off- the name and aesthetic change, the color contacts, the voice changer- He’s trying to force control over the clone situation. He knows he doesn’t have any hope of controlling his clones, so he tries to fix it for himself by trying to make it so there aren’t copies of him running around, because he’s now different from all of them. But that sort of evolves into hatred of his original self, his real voice and name and appearance. So, that’s a little sympathetic, but he could’ve decided to be like properly goth or something so I don’t feel bad for him he looks like an idiot

Lalnable doesn’t care about justifying his actions, which does mean he’s a lot more powerful than some other yogs villains. He’s got nothing holding him back, his only setbacks are directly caused by other people fucking with him. Lalnable is legitmately a scary threat! It’s easy to forget that when we get to see so much of him being a complete failure idiot, but he’s good at what he does, and what he does is crimes and evil.

He’s also excessively focused on revenge, which I think is kind of why he ends up abandoning it in the end. He was so focused on the concept that he didn’t even realize how generally impossible and ill-advised it is. Besides the obvious issues of time loops, after he creates Five, if he actually succeeded, he’d delete Five. And for once, he doesn’t Want to destroy someone. FB4 really skipped over so goddamn much of his development, and thats REALLY annoying, but it doesn’t seem like a wholly illogical endpoint. He’s kind of driven by an impossible goal- control over everything about how the world sees him. At some point, he probably realizes that destroying every single one of his clones wouldn’t bring him any more joy than just torturing the shit out of some rando! Or, at least, it’s not worth more to him than Five.

I enjoy the Lalnable-Five father daughter dynamic a lot (because it’s literally canon Lalnable says he’s her father dont TRY me), but it takes a while to really get to that point. When he first makes Five, he’s making her like any other clone he’d make for spying. She’s just another tool, a frail attempt to steal Nano from a clone who doesn’t deserve to know her.

Oh yeah, the second thing Lalnable has ever been right about! He seriously thinks Nano is cool as FUCK. Which she is! It’s not a romantic interest for sure, I’m pretty sure Lalnable hasn’t thought about romance in like 10 years, it’s more of a fascination. I don’t think he’s really interested in friendship, but he wants that kind of power on his side, he wants to see how it works, and most of all, he doesn’t want some clone getting to even be near it. Five offering the side-switch deal to Nano was something both the Baddies agreed on.

Anyways, back to Five. While she starts out as a tool, they do end up growing closer, and for once, Lalnable isn’t a total bitch idiot about it. Unfortunately, he does spend a lot of time pointing out how Five is better than Nano because he made her, and through that making Five obsessed with Staying better than Nano, because if she’s not, Lalnable might abandon her. So, he’s Dad, but he starts out as a truly awful dad that should be dropkicked. I think Five’s confusion and fear over how absolutely focused he is on destructive and impossible revenge is part of what makes him reconsider too, although I guess we’ll never know for sure. They’re both still comfortably evil as all hell, but it’s settling into a weird sort of manageable space for the buddies, and thats probably the best we’re gonna get. Lalnable has no desire to be a good person and he never will.

The last thing Lalnable is ever correct about, is loving and appreciating Five for who she is as herself.

And then he wears those sunglasses and he stops being correct for the rest of his life.

TL;DR: serial killer develops identity issues, gives daughter identity issues, trades identity issues for a second daughter and disgusting sunglasses

[naturaldisasterfanfiction]

27.

I am so tired, like imagine having a midwife appointment at nine in the morning but all is well. Robyn is ready to give birth, but she doesn’t want to come at all “so I will book you in for a forty week visit, if she doesn’t arrive by then. She is ready but she herself is comfy in there. But if she is not causing you too much havoc or pain she will be fine for another three weeks and that is when we will plan on maybe inducing you. Try going for some walks, this could bring the baby to come and you can cause your waters to break if that is something you would like to aim for?” looking at Robyn, she wants this girl out “I do but I am scared, Gaby. I am scared to give birth, like I want a water birth but what if you don’t make it on time. With my luck something could go wrong” Robyn said, she has been saying this for a while now since she feels it coming closer “you just need listen to your body Robyn, your body will tell you what it needs. If it tells you that you need to push then you push. But don’t strain yourself too much it can cause tears, just move with your body. It will be more relaxing for you and the baby with a water birth. You will be in the privacy of your home, it can vary, you can just give birth quick, it can take long but you must enter the water when you are dilated enough that it’s coming. The first stage. This starts with the early, or latent, phase. At this point you’ll experience cramps, backache, and your waters might break, although this is more likely to happen just before you feel ready to push. You may also have an upset tummy, loose bowels. These are all signs that things are moving along, but you won’t be in active labour until your cervix is about 4cm dilated, and your contractions will be regular and strong. At this point, you go into the water. But Robyn you will know this, you will feel your body” Robyn looks so scared and so do I feel it.

“Chris, support her with a massage and distraction, distract her, be there for her. I can imagine you are good at that” I grinned nodding my head “eat very little and often during this time period also, the transitional stage of labour. This stage is described as the most painful part of labour, as your body is changing from the cervix opening to the body getting ready for the pushing stage. As a Mother Robyn, you will know. And I will come back to this because you will agree with me, you do not need to worry” holding Robyn’ hand “I am feeling everything you said right now?” Robyn said, Gaby smiled “I know, this is why I said it is close. I am here, and I won’t be long so don’t worry. You call I am here unless something happens then someone else will be here, just think of the joys of holding her when she is here. You have been through so much, this you will overcome” Robyn smiled a little “Rihanna is strong, Robyn is not. She is the scared woman in this body right now. But I can do this, nervous but everything you said I feel now” Robyn squeezed my hand “this makes me nervous too, I ain’t ever felt like this before. Shit, I am scared too. I know Robyn will be ok” she can do it; she just needs to believe in herself “I feel it’s close, imagine on Christmas day eating and then she comes, that will be dramatic. That is in a few days too” biting on my bottom lip staring at Robyn’ face, I am so damn lucky to have her.

Turning around to check on Zeus “aye, come in now” Zeus went for a long ass walk, he was loving it but I am tired now. He came inside the gate finally, closing it slowly. I actually love the peace around here, nobody harasses me. I see people but they don’t say anything, or they say hi, this is like some British movie, it’s legit and it’s weird. I go to the store too, amazing. They are more into my dog, I mean he is expensive as fuck “come on, inside now. It’s cold out here, big boy” pushing the door open, I miss the heat in California though. Freezing my balls off here, I barely seen the sun while here. Closing the door behind me, Monica and I swapped roles. She is sitting with Robyn while I took him for a walk but I am back now, I don’t want Robyn to be alone because I am scared something could happen “good boy” rubbing his head, placing his leash on the table in the hallway. Unzipping my coat, I can hear that Robyn is on some sort of meeting because there is a lot of people talking. Taking my coat off as I walked into the living room, she is in a meeting. Dennis must have set up the TV for her meeting because she can’t do anything like that. The meeting went quiet, I think they seen me come “how is London Chris!!” hearing Jen’ voice, oh she is in this “uh, it’s ok. Cold out here, what is this about?” am I supposed to be left out, walking around the couch “about the documentary that was meant to be a blog on my page, this is the team” letting out on oh, she didn’t even tell me but let me go “right” I guess I will just go.

This games room is amazing but it’s not amazing when you have nobody to fuck with and play with, like if Dennis wasn’t here I would be bored but he is busy and I am bored and not technically wanted in that meeting, even though I am in it, I can’t be there. It’s like I sold myself, I have no rights I guess. Tapping on the link Sinko sent me, what shit he sent me now and it loaded up Rihanna’ Instagram page and the post about the drake thing which I stayed away from, Robyn told me too. The fuck is he wanting me to look at, my phone started ringing. Answering Sinko’ call and putting him on speaker “what the fuck is that?” I asked him “you not seen what Drake put back? He just replied back now after all this time, it’s weird. Read it. But what the fuck is up in London?” sliding up to see this “London is dead, it’s good but dead. I am in jail bro” I laughed “I am joking but I don’t have much to do here” tapping on the comments “coming back to Cali after she is born? I am still shocked, you got Rihanna pregnant, untouchable and you just got it” seeing this Drake comment “this nigga put, I am sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you, I was upset. I love you; Chris was in attendance on that day” frowning at that “what do I got to do it with it, fuck that!” I spat, he is trying to cause shit, this was posted weeks ago, why now “I was thinking the same, I am sure you walked out” typing out the comment ‘Say that to my face, you wouldn’t dare. Don’t come in her comments saying my name when I came there to lay a verse. I was the one that told Rihanna about that song, it was me. Speak on me again we going to have problems, you always dodged the fade from me. I ain’t going to back and forth on this shit I will come to Canada for you’ pressing send “check that, but yeah. London is good, I don’t know anyone so it’s bittersweet” clearing my throat “yeah but you coming back right? I mean London is boring Chris. The boys are here” Sinko said “staying here, this is me now” the line went quiet “are you crazy? You will be even more lonely; you can’t just jump like that. Your life is here” Sinko doesn’t know I am married so that is different now.

The room is so quiet, maybe I should put the TV on. Actually let me call Mijo, see what he is up too. He can help me through this because I am upset with Robyn, I feel like she is, I don’t know maybe pushing me to the side like I don’t know “Britain deported you yet?” I snorted laughing “not yet my nigga, soon though. They gonna hate me soon. The white folk here is so weird, like they are all happy and they don’t say anything to you, they are happy” shaking my head “they could kill you in your sleep, watch out for that. But how are you? Youe accent ain’t changed yet” I miss Mijo actually, I miss Cali a lot now “not yet, I am scared that my daughter going to have that Harry Potter accent, weird shit” Mijo chuckled “you got one American, German and British. Mr worldwide” Mijo got me screaming laughing here “you funny, you really are. I am getting around but like I wish Robyn just would go to America, but it is what it is. How is my nephew and niece?” I think they should be at school, it’s early there “good, they all are saying oh my god uncle Chris is with Rihanna. We love it, I am like your uncle is crazy. I am happy for you anyways” I sighed out “I need to ask you something, like I just come home and Robyn is having a meeting without me, like she is there just speaking to Amazon about a documentary I will be on. I just feel like I sold myself to her, now she just leaving me out, you know. I am sat here alone, I don’t have anyone” I hope Mijo can help me “ah shit, Christopher. Every man sells themselves when they get married, you got to get ready for that” Mijo laughed down the phone “but what you need to do is speak to her, I can’t give you answers like that. Tell her you felt left out, you want to be more involved, she is your wife Chris. I am always here for you and I am telling you to go and speak to her, don’t feel like that. Don’t feel alone because you ain’t, you got a family” nodding my head “what is more lonely, a room full of niggas with hoes and drugs at your crib or your wife doing something without you but knowing you can fix this together? You good over there” Mijo is right.

Mijo stayed on the phone with me, he knows me, and I appreciate him “so Robyn bringing out a whole thing, are we seeing Robyn giving birth too!?” he half shouted “nobody seeing that but I am not sure yet. But I will let you know” looking at my phone seeing Drake commented back to me, he wants me to come there and knock his ass out “Drake commented back to my post” tapping on the comment to open it “why you beefing with that pussy? You won Chris, stop” squinting my eyes at the comment “you know where I live breezy, feel free” I read out, he is testing me and I swear I will but I won’t “leave it” Mijo said but I commented back ‘Sorry I got a pregnant other half with me right now, she needs me here’ pressing send “he is being sly Mijo, he honestly making out I am not the dad. He keeps on commenting to Robyn; he wants her to comment. Disrespectful as fuck, I hate being good!” I shouted; I am irritated “relax Chris, just relax yeah. Think of the future, you have a wife now, the love of your life so do not fuck that up. Just calm down” I really will fucking knock his ass out, I want too so badly too “talk to Robyn ok, tell her it upset you. That you wanted to be involved” I am angry at Drake just being around.

I thought I would do what Mijo told me to do and talk to Robyn, I have been in the games room for like three hours now, it’s been ages and nobody has come to see me at all, like nobody cares which is sad anyways “Chris! What the hell, I have been looking for you? I mean not far but where did you go” Robyn grabbed my arms “I was looking all over; we are going to have a little photoshoot here. Don’t I look good? Also I saw that you were commenting on my post, what did I say about that? We not doing that shit” nodding my head, she looks well “I love it, the dress” Robyn is on to something else now “can I speak to you? Like quickly, please?” Robyn nodded her head “of course, also wear the pink polo top” Robyn held my hand as she led me away “did I do something wrong?” she let my hand go as she went into the second living room, closing the door behind me “I commented because it’s fuck Drake, I don’t care. Fuck him, he is getting on my nerves on purpose Robyn, it’s wrong. But like I feel left out, like I come in and you doing shit without me, and then I just left. Like I want to be wanted in this. You have taken the lead in this, but I want some say in it. I should talk to you about my feelings and I am, I am not happy Robyn. It’s actually upset me that I walked in and saw you was doing that; I am in this too. I am in your bubble. I have nobody here, so I look to you for company, I look to you when I need to do something, I look to you when I am lonely. I just felt upset about it, and I hid alone in the games room, then I realised I hated it because it’s quiet” if this goes to shit, I will blame Mijo “it was never that Chris, I am happy you came to me and I understand. I know that this is new to you, these people you feel are my people, but they aren’t bad to you. I am so proud of how you have taken this Chris; I am but I didn’t mean it wrong. Jen called me and said we need to go on the conference now, this is all so last minute. You went out but I would have you with me, oh no. Please don’t think that, I said to you I wouldn’t do that. Yes I am always making plans and doing something, that is for us. You’re my backbone just like I am yours and I know you look to me for things, and I said to Dennis how much I appreciate he has been helping you around this place when I can’t. You will get used to it here, I know there is a lot of silence right now but this home will get busy” I feel less upset, I did think she did it on purpose “I feel alone, you know. But then I don’t have anyone in Cali either, so where do I belong? Like what is the point in even including my last name, it means shit. I don’t have family and yours carries I should change mine” putting my head down “I am going to put the polo on” I felt Robyn’ hand brush my arm but I was already leaving the room, I am sad, very sad about things.

[ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes]

Skin and Bones AlfiexTommy

Summary: Alfie asks Tommy when the last time he ate was, Tommy does not like this game. 

         Alfie peered up from his newspaper. He and Tommy were sharing a peaceful morning together before they headed off to work. The two had only been living together for a little under a week. Of course, the transition in their relationship was stalled by several disagreements. Alfie flat out refused to live anywhere in Birmingham, meanwhile, Tommy grumbled about having to drive all around Britain. But once he landed his seat in Parliament, the move to London seemed a little more feasible.

           Thus began their time as live-in partners. And when Alfie actually realized how much Tommy drank and how little he ate in a day.

           “Tommy, love, when’s the last time you ate something, aye?” Alfie asked.

           The man across the table raised an eyebrow and jerked his chin towards the muffin on the table next to him. The muffin that Alfie had brought in fresh early that morning from the bakery a few doors down. The one that had been sitting in front of Tommy for a good half an hour, maybe more. The one that was most likely stone cold. The one that was barely touched except for a few pieces Tommy had picked off.

           “I meant like an actual fucking meal, not a squirrel’s breakfast,” Alfie responded.

           “We had dinner together last night.” Tommy finally spoke, his eyes going back to the paperwork he’d brought to the table.

           Cyril wandered into the kitchen towards Tommy. The bullmastiff was tall enough to rest his chin right on the table, his sad eyes fixed on the intact muffin.

           “No, that weren’t last night. Last night you came in late after I’d already eaten. You’re thinking of Wednesday.” Alfie argued.

           Tommy broke the muffin in two and fed Cyril one of the halves. The dog happily scarfed the pastry down and eyed the second half, his tail wagging. Tommy was usually a surefire way to get table scraps.

           Alfie grimaced. “So Wednesday was the last time you ate?” He demanded.

           “No, I ate yesterday.” Tommy didn’t seem too concerned with his partner’s disapproval of his habits.

           “Yeah, what’d you eat, then?” He set his paper down, a sign that he was going to see this argument through whether Tommy liked it or not.

           The Blinder subtly rolled his eyes and stood up. “You done with this?” He reached for the newspaper.

           “Ah, ah, ah.” Alfie batted his hand away. “Answer me.”

           “I’m perfectly healthy.” Tommy sighed and glanced at his watch. “I’m heading to my office. Call if you need to, I’ll have my secretary answer me calls if I’m in session.” He headed towards the door.

           Alfie made a noise of frustration and stood up. He needed to make some calls alright, but not to Tommy. Once the two men were out of the kitchen, Cyril patiently waited by the table for a minute. Once it was clear they weren’t returning, he snatched the rest of the muffin off the table.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

           When Tommy came home, it was late as per usual during the weekdays. By then, Alfie had either retired to the bedroom or was up reading with Cyril at his feet. But instead, the entire flat was lit up and filled with savory aromas. Tommy frowned and followed the scents into the kitchen.

           There, Alfie was sitting at the table with his arms crossed over his chest. Across the table was an empty spot with an entire Jewish style dinner set up. The food still warm.

           “What’s this?” Tommy paused by the doorway.

           “Sit down,” Alfie commanded like the retired military Captain and gangster boss he was.

           “Why?”

           “Tommy, sit the fuck down.”

           He considered putting up a fuss but clearly Alfie was not in the mood. So Tommy took a seat in front of the food and waited.

           “Well go on.”

           “M’not hungry,” Tommy replied. “But thank you, it looks delicious.”

           “It is, had a few of the best cooks in Camden bring you something. Grandmothers, all Jewish, most of them from Russia and came here ‘cause they were being hunted by soldiers. Still, they hold their traditions very close, yeah, and that includes food. They take offense to two things. An uncircumcised cock and anyone who don’t eat their food. 'Cause I tell ya what, they put love into everything they make.”

           Tommy laughed quietly and shook his head. “So you’ve backed me into a corner, aye?”

           “Love,” Alfie leaned over the table, resting against his forearms. “You ain’t nothing but skin ‘n bones these days. And I should fucking know I see you naked ‘lmost every night.” He let a small smile slip through but his eyebrows set firmly.

           “I’m fine, Alfie.”

           With an annoyed sigh, Alfie leaned back in his chair and stroked his beard. “Can’t believe you try to fight anyone who tries to fucking look after your wellbeing. S’like you want me ‘n your family to worry. I don’t get it, Thomas, I really don’t.”

           “I don’t want you to be worried about me.”

           “Too late.”

           Tommy saw the true concern in Alfie. His partner wasn’t trying to be a pain in the ass just because. He was genuinely worried about his health. “Can I tell you a story?” He asked.

           “Only if you tell me between bites.” Alfie pointed to the food again. “‘Cause it’s getting cold.”

           “Fair enough.” Tommy agreed and began to eat. Alfie was right, the food was delicious. When the man across the table looked a little more at ease, Tommy began to tell him about his childhood. “We’d go to bed hungry more often than not.” He explained. “Got better when I was older because Arthur and I could make money. But when we were younger, I gave up my food so John, Ada, and Finn could eat. Dad was useless, never made enough money and there was only so much me mum could do.”

           “Tom…” Alfie was heartbroken. Of course, he was aware of some of the similarities between his and Tommy’s childhoods. Although they came from different cultural backgrounds, poor was poor. And he could recall many nights where he couldn’t sleep because of the hunger pangs in his stomach. Most of the grandmothers of Camden wanted to take care of Alfie and his mother, but she was too embarrassed to accept the help more often than not.

           “I suppose I just never had any interest in food,” Tommy concluded. “Things are different now but…” He shrugged. “What can you do?”

           Alfie rubbed the back of his neck. “Look, m’only tryna make sure you ain’t starving yourself on purpose. If you just don’t like food, then that’s fine. But you can’t go days on just whiskey, Tom, you’re smarter than that.”

           His jaw clenched when he realized how silly he’d been for making his partner worry so much. “I’m sorry. I’ll be better about it.” He promised.

           “C’mere.” Alfie stood up and met Tommy halfway in the kitchen. The two embraced and Alfie softly kissed the Blinder’s dark hair. “I might’ve opened a can o’ worms though.” He admitted.

           “What do you mean?” Tommy subtly inhaled his welcoming scent. Rum and a touch of something woodsy.

           “Pretty sure every little grandmother is gonna come bring us food. Told ‘em you were nothing but skin and bones.” He confessed.

           “Is there any way to politely tell them we don’t need any food?”

           Alfie groaned and perched his chin on Tommy’s head. “‘Fraid not, love, ‘fraid not.”

Masterlist

[nascent-chaos]

This is another ask that I wanted to ask but I put it separately, what type of monster would Reed be? and if she got turned into a monster for some reason how would each skeleton react?

I had answered a similar ask in the past, but if Reed were to turn into a monster? Now THAT’S a different story!

Her species would still be more or less the same - a plant-like monster, fairly humanoid in terms of appearance (I’d imagine something not unlike Undyne), but a bit more sensitive to her surroundings. 

Sans :: He and Red are the first to find her, both woken by her panicked shouts for Sans early that morning. Surprisingly, it’s Classic who’s the first to brace for a confrontation when he sees a strange monster standing in the doorway to her bathroom and their human is nowhere to be found; it’s only thanks to Red’s timely intervention that he’s kept from actually attacking the intruder first and asking questions later.

Once the misunderstanding has been cleared up and he’s calmed her down… well, if you thought Sans was overprotective of her before, it’s nothing compared to how he is now. After all, she’s managed to make her fair share of enemies as a human, and that will only get worse now that she’s a monster. Is locking her up in the loft like Rapunzel an option? He’d probably seriously consider it, were it not for the fact that she now seems acutely aware of his anxiety and uncertainties - likely because she’s now able to hear his soul just as easily as he can hear hers. He might not be able to keep her in the house at all times, but he’ll certainly make sure to stick with her if she happens to venture off the mountain.

Papyrus :: She’s barreling down the stairs shouting for his brother when he sees her, and initially mistakes her as an acquaintance of Reed or Red’s, who… happens to sound surprisingly similar to their human? And who even knows him by name?

Wait, what do you mean this is his human?!

… Yeah, they’re both going to tag-team against his brother to find out what the heck he’s gone and done this time.

Papyrus is easily the most attentive to her needs as she tries getting accustomed to her new lifestyle, and is one of the most vocal when it comes to expressing his excitement over this change. He’s fascinated by all, and rightly so, as she’s now experiencing everyday things for the first time that he’d have never otherwise given a second thought to. That tingle of rejuvenating magic they all feel when eating? Her first time feeling that in full force makes her shiver and give a squeak of astonishment that leaves him wanting to sweep her up in adoring cuddles. The first time she’s managed to manifest a bullet? He’s over the moon, showering her in praise that leaves her green-tinged skin glowing red with embarrassment. He and Edge are the one that lead the charge in teaching her everything she needs to know, often to comedic effect, but at the end of the day she’s happier and healthier than ever!

Blue :: He had only just returned from his morning run when he notices an unfamiliar figure striding across the lawns and making a beeline for the workshop. He’s quick to call out to them, and they come to an abrupt halt as he quickly jogs up to them. Before he can say so much as a greeting, though, they’ve all but burst into tears, blubbering something about waking up and feeling funny and please tell her this is only temporary, because she has no idea how she’s going to explain this to Muffet, and… ooh.

Ooh…

It’s safe to say the first person that responds to his irritable rasps on the workshop doors will be in for a good talking-to.

Blue tries to keep things as normal as possible, but his attempts at normalcy tend to go so overboard they usually end up as anything but - what might be a quick jaunt up to the store might turn into an over-the-top game of Secret Agent Reed as they try to procure a jug of milk without her being seen (as she claims rather exasperatedly that she doubts anyone would even recognize her all the while).

Stretch :: It’s still in the early hours of the morning when he and the others are down in the lab tinkering on the machine, still attempting to wrangle the oversized tin can after it’s had another one of its episodes. So, naturally, when there is yet another furious banging to be heard coming from the door, they’re each understandably apprehensive - after all, the last time this happened Dust had appeared on their doorstep.

Only, it’s not Edge or one of the others that greet him when he peers outside, but a monster he’d never seen before - and they’re utterly livid.

“What the fuck did you guys do?!”

… Well. That’s not good.

The rest of the morning is spent juggling a nearly hysterical human(monster?) and trying to stabilize the machine once more. After realizing Reed has spent the entire day pacing about the house anxiously, however, he eventually throws in the towel and settles for taking the remainder of the day to try and calm her down. It proves to be far easier a task than what he faced down in the workshop, at least. 

Stretch proves to be the perfect counter to her worrisome side, easily able to quell her stress and get her to sit still and unwind for a bit. Like Hickory, he takes everything in stride and reminds her that the change doesn’t really mean the end of the world - they’re not gonna just leave her like this, so why not enjoy it a little?

And hey, cuddle time with her has just become even more enjoyable now that she fills any room she enters with the scent of fresh flowers.

Red :: He’s the first to sense something’s wrong, hearing her soul thrumming with barely-contained panic from the floor below late one morning. When his nervous knocks at her door are ignored and his calls to her go unanswered he’s shortcutting into her room to see what’s going on…

Only to find a stranger there instead.

Instinct has his magic flaring in his socket in seconds, but he retains enough sense to notice the similarities in her appearance and the fact that he can feel their dread, can hear their confusion and uncertainty and panic in a way he’s only ever experienced with Reed. When he realizes the face that’s looking up at him now is actually hers, that the voice that says his name with such relief is her own…

“… aww shit.”

He doesn’t stray too far from her side over the next few days and is surprisingly… helpful, casually giving her tips for things she seems oblivious to (‘of course yer gonna be tired, rosebud, ya ain’t been outta the house in two days! last i checked, flowers needed sunlight.’). Of course, this doesn’t mean his flirtatious self has taken any time off. If anything he’s even more likely to try sweeping her off her feet - it seems the knowledge that their connection is open both ways now has freed him from any prior restraints he may have put on himself. Firing sultry comments hidden beneath flowery puns that make her blush becomes the norm and Red makes absolutely no attempt to hide the intentions he knows his soul is singing from her.

Edge :: Drawn by the sound of her shouts echoing down the hallways, she runs into him just as he’s exiting his room - literally runs, barreling into him and sending them both spilling back into his quarters. She’s sputtering frantic, barely-coherent apologies as she’s scrambling to help him up, and it’s then that he realizes something is amiss. The skin of her hands is far too green to be a healthy, human color, transitioning seamlessly with the leaves that encircle her wrists. He’d have suspected it to be some ridiculously accurate costume were it not for the magic he can feel thrumming beneath her skin at her touch.

Looking up, he’s actually rendered speechless at the sight that greets him.

He is not happy about this change whatsoever. Not that it’s anything she can help - he knows full well Reed has had no hand in the strange cards fate has dealt her, but damn if he’s not muttering complaints under his breath every other minute. Any instinctual knowledge that would have typically been expected in a babybones seems to have completely passed her by; she lacks any real control over her magic, barely knows how to do something as simple as CHECK someone, and don’t even get him started on her apparent disregard for her own safety. While she says she knows full well the sort of danger she’d be in if she just strolled into down, Edge constantly finds himself doubting her words and is always the first to argue against her so much as stepping out of his sight, much less wandering down the mountain and into town. 

Hickory :: It’s the loud chatter of the others as they pass by that awakens him.

It’s the sound of her terrified soul accompanying them that has him shooting up and rushing to the door to peek outside and see what’s happened.

And it’s the sight of a familiar plant-like monster looking to be in no small amount of duress that has him grumbling to himself, ‘i don’ beleaf this shit…’

While everyone is running around playing body-guard to their human, it’s Hickory who makes sure Reed has a free moment to breathe and takes time to actually relax and remember to enjoy life, different though it may now be. He knows things’ll be fixed in time - until then, why not make the most of it? It’s not like a human gets turned into a monster every day. Like Stretch, he’s one of the voices that tempts her into long cuddles sessions or late-night movie binges or coaxes her into spending her time outside soaking up some sun and enjoying what time she’ll be having off from work.

Black :: He’s startled awake by the thunderous sound of his human bolting down the stars just outside of his room, shouting angrily for Classic in a tone that immediately has him tensed and ready for a fight - which isn’t a good thing, considering it’s a complete stranger he soon finds banging angrily on Classic’s door. He’d have almost thrown them out of the third story window then and there, had he not realized they shared the same voice, the same body language…

And that they called him ‘Sans’ instead of Blackberry the moment they noticed him peeking out from his room.

This… is a headache he really didn’t need.

Black is the one that manages her relations with the outside world while the others try reversing all that’s happened. He’s the one creating her alias, using his connections within the embassy to create the documentation she needs, and dealing with the increasingly-suspicious Muffet who’s eager to know just what kind of chaos the skeleton household has swept her human up into this time. His ability to spin half-truths is going to get quite the workout throughout all of this, and he’ll gripe about it even as he’s skillfully tying up any potential loose end, but at least he’ll have a very thankful little flower waiting safe and sound at home to show for it.

Dust :: He’s one of the last to find out what’s happened, groggily shortcutting downstairs one morning to find everyone has already congregated in the living room and are chittering alongside a very anxious-looking monster he’s never seen before.

And it’s the fact that they’re an unfamiliar face that brings him to a dead halt because by now he’s all but certain he knew every last monster in the underground…

By and large, Dust ends up getting quite a kick out of the entire ordeal. He lacks Classic’s overprotectiveness, something that had developed following events that occurred long before he’d even come to this AU, and as such tends to be a good deal more laid-back and teasing about the change on the whole. Like himself, Reed is largely confined to the lodge and its property, and Dust eventually takes it upon himself to give the new monster the tips and tricks she needs to keep herself from going as insane as he’s gone while under her might-as-well-be house arrest. He’ll accompany her when he has nothing better to do, lazing around as she tends to chores or the garden or goes for walks to shed some of her anxiousness, and makes for a surprisingly decent person to vent to when she’s feeling too antsy and needs to get her frustrations off of her chest.

[toonstarterz]

BECAUSE I’M NOT POPULAR, I’LL READ WATAMOTE: CHAPTER #157

And now for something entirely different.

For the first time in the entire series, we have a chapter in which Tomoko Kuroki is completely absent. For a series whose initial premise was so dependent on having Tomoko as the solitary focus, it really speaks volumes that the side characters can now carry the series on their own. Of course, it wouldn’t be Watamote if Tomoko wasn’t there in some way, shape or form, and as we see today, her spirit lives on in rest of the Watamote Crew.

Chapter 157: Because I’m Not Popular, I’m Suspended

I really dig the hatching in this opening shot. It automatically gives you the sense that this is a retroactive moment and that Tomoko will be MIA until further notice.  

And just as we already knew, Tomoko and Yoshida got busted.

I’ve noticed quite a few people criticize this school policy, claiming that’s it’s unreasonable for the “crime”. My assumption is that riding a motor scooter reflects poorly on the school, which its students are supposed to represent with “proper” behavior. While I don’t think it’s really a justified punishment, I don’t think it’s necessarily an unjustified punishment either. Dissecting the reason would mean pulling apart much about Japanese cultural values, and this ain’t the place for that.   

This, on the other hand, seems a teeensy bit excessive. But that’s just me.

Naturally, Komiyama takes this as an opportunity to validate her less-than-savory impression of Tomoko. Gotta eat up those friend-of-a-friend brownie points. 

The true endgame of this series is when Tomoko and Komiyama call each other “friend.”

Blatant disregard of sensei’s instructions? Looks like Yuri’s the next to join the new delinquent posse after Tomoko and Yoshida.

But on that note, I really do enjoy that Yuri cares enough about her buddies to break the rules. She’s always been an obedient student overall, but I always had this inkling that Yuri wasn’t really a goody-two-shoes. Rebels gotta stick together.

And Tomoko’s (and Yoshida’s) reputation continues to brew. And through the semi-popular kids at that. If nothing else, Tomoko is going to leave school known as the “Weird Kid” that everyone admires.

I now wonder just how much these guys knew about Tomoko and Yoshida’s friendship? I’d imagine that this whole suspension might actually paint the two as BFFs in everyone’s eyes. 

Lastly, I wonder what was the manga Tomoko and Yoshida were reading? Maybe a sequel to “A Happy Cat”?

Can I get a Prison School shoutout, anybody?

Yup, like I said. Everyone knows about that “Weird Kid” in high school who did stupid stuff, but you couldn’t help but admire them for having the nerve to do it. Nemo may give Tomoko a lot of shit sometimes, but to some degree, I think she wishes she could be like her.

Girl’s itching for her Kuroki-Kimoi fix. 

Perhaps someone can enlighten me, but are Japanese shoe lockers really left unlocked? I mean, you see it all the time in manga–how else would the love interest send letters/chocolate to their crush?–but I’d like to to know if there’s any truth to that. 

If Ucchi really was getting ready to confess apologize, then I gotta hand it to her. It took her a lot faster to get to that point than I thought she would.

Unfortunately, the universe discriminates against emojis, and when they flippantly confront a random girl to inquire about their obsession, you know a blast of karma is heading their way.

The Counseling Room, huh? For those who’re uninitiated like me, that’s supposedly where they keep the suspended students to do their schoolwork and reflect on their actions. 

In Ucchi’s eyes, however, it’s the higher beings keeping her from her beloved. 

Sorry, Ucchi, but you gotta work on your “Uwaaaah!”s. Maybe you ought to get some pointers from Komiyama.

More and more, Ucchi’s cries of despair get even more absurd. And more and more, I wonder how she justifies it in that head of hers. 

Aw damn, is it that same dude that criticized Tomoko for supposedly almost falling into a ravine? And on film, too? Bro needs to take a chill pill.

That seems to be the food for thought amongst the student body these days. 

Is it wrong that I laughed at Katou’s very obvious face of absolute boredom? You can just feel the Tomoko withdrawal symptoms destroying her from the inside.

I used to be pretty ambivalent about her increasing affection to Tomoko, but these more humanizing moments make me grow fonder about their relationship.  

Fuuka’s never gonna let this one die, is she?

That’s basically the exact same thing that Tomoko said to Fuuka, wasn’t it? Shoot, gotta had another tally to the “Tomoko-Katou ship is actually kind of cute” chart.

At this point, she and Okada need to start a support group for the Tomoko-challenged.

I gotta say, I fully expected Tomoko to be hypocritical enough to deny Fuuka an answer, but not Katou. More than anybody else, it feels like nobody, not even her closest friends, really understand who Katou is. I’m counting the chapters to the day it all comes to blows. 

So close, and yet so far.

Back to fill the void with the ol’ earbuds, huh, Yuri? 

Well, Tomoko is perpetually tired, but I’d imagine suspension isn’t doing her any favors. A loner Tomoko may be, being locked up for a week in pseudo-solitary confinement (with Yoshida, no less) is bound to lead to some cabin fever.

I think the old Tomoko would brag about it before the fact, but after experiencing it, she'd take it back after realizing that suspension actually kind of sucks.

In old news: Yuu is a sweetheart and deserves the world.

Ah, Komi. I can't tell if you're ignorant, in denial, or just being a bitch, but your delusions of grandeur towards Tomoki never fail to amuse me.

It took me a while to realize that we were going over several days throughout this chapter. The time transitions are just that subtle, and I'm pretty sure that was intentional in order to emphasize how Tomoko's absence is really screwing with everyone’s sense of time.

Is this the first time anyone other than Minami has acknowledged Ucchi's lack of a face? Alright, Minami, you win this one.

Also, this is so going to add fuel to the fire on those NSFW headcanons about Mako and Minami’s "pet play" relationship.

Wow. When she says it like that, it puts Minami in an almost sympathetic light. Curse that endearing dependency of hers.

I see that Okada’s infamous shut-her-down moment from the field trip has left some after effects. If nothing else, Fang Girl knows when to fold ‘em.

Obvious imagery aside, I do like that they include Yoshida as one of the “loud” ones in the class. She’s definitely more of the “in-your-face” type of loud, while Tomoko is mostly loud in presence, and it really drives home just how extra loud the two are when together.

A wild Hirasawa appeared!

Somewhere underneath Yuri’s veil of apathy is a very particular layer of empathy. That being, her affection for Tomoko. Yuri may get jealous of other girls, but she can understand how it feels to have an attachment to someone, and when she recognizes that in someone else, that’s when she’ll go the extra mile.

Even she can’t abandon an underclassman all by their lonesome.

That said, it wouldn’t be Yuri if flashes of green didn’t flicker in her eyes at times.

Then that green turns into...whatever color is usually associated with begrudging respect.

Aw damn, this is going to be one of those heartwarmingly bittersweet endings, isn’t it?

Continuity porn.

Okay, ya’ll, but that glimmer of hope in Yuri’s slightly widened eyes is just golden. I hereby put this at the top of my “Top 5 Purest Moments in Watamote” List.

You know, if this were earlier in the series–as in, before Nemo opened up to Yuri–this would come off as pretty mean in the context of the plot, even if it really isn’t. It’s still trollish in a way that only Nemo can, but it feels like a genuine offer of friendship now that we’ve seen these two slowly come closer together. And if slice-of-life manga has taught me anything, it’s that walking home from school together is the Friendship Rite of Passage.

I’m sure Yuri’s first instinct was to punch her out, but hey, any reaction is a good reaction.

Actual proof that Tomoko has temporal powers that allow her to accelerate the passage of time at a rate that’s proportional to her exuding weirdness.

Or, you know, they all just miss her.

If there’s one thing that this series has taught me, it’s that the most wonderful of friendships can start with a mere coincidence.

At the start of Watamote, I never would’ve thought that the series could hold its own without Tomoko. And yet here we are. Gone are the days where the cast was just her, Tomoki, and Yuu. The cast has expanded exponentially since then, and their stories are all rich enough to headline their own series. But no matter how far the web grows, it always comes back to Tomoko. Even with Main Character Privilege, her existence is the glue that binds everyone together. And while this chapter gave us a unique insight on favorite characters, it also gave us a chance to see an alternate reality where Tomoko (and Yoshida) don’t exist.

And as expected, it’s a dull, dull world.

[ratsoku]

[Image IDs: A series of tweets about the recent mass shooting in Uvalde Texas. TW mass shooting, police brutality, racism, fascism

Tweets one-four from Read Wobblies and Zapatistas @ JoshuaPotash read “Police tackling parents instead of saving children when the crucial moment came has to be the end. It has to be the end of your faith in police. The end of the idea that police exist to keep us safe. We need to move past this dangerous myth, now, and towards actual public safety.

I can’t get over how cops confronted the shooter at the door, let him get by them, then made up a story about body armor. While a teacher gave her life trying to defend her kids. The difference could not be clearer.

And, two years to the day of George Floyd’s murder, cops are still killing 3 people a day. To pretend they equate with public safety is deadly. They don’t keep us dafe [safe], they protect the ruling class while draining resources from everyone else.

To ask teachers to be on the front line of mass shootings, the front line of a pandemic, and the front line of the struggle against inequality all while underpaying them and systematically underfunding the education system is both cruel and a recipe for social collapse.

The remainder of the tweets are a thread from William C. @ williamcson and read “It’s hard for some to hear, but the police being a threat to people who need help is police work. That’s the *standard*. The USA is one of the most carceral, highly policed societies imaginable. If policing was going to prevent these crises here it would be happening.

The question keeps coming up: “Why didn’t they do their job?” They did do exactly what they were trained to do. Their job is to *police* the vulnerable. Policing and protecting those in need are two completely different things. We’re paying for policing, not our protection.

Calling 911 may get us killed by police when we need help. We all know this. They show up to do police work and violence is their primary go-to. This is not an institution rooted in addressing the issues that cause problems around us. Policing is policing, that’s the job.

If we want peace and protection that has to come from us, it’s not going to come from the police. That’s not the purpose they serve and it never has been. They’re doing their job. Forget “reimagine”/reform police. We need to build a society where ALL needs are actually addressed.

The USA doesn’t have infrastructure despite being a wealthy empire. The ruling class hoards everything. We get less and less as prices go up. Police and politicians protect this setup. We have to fight this raggedy country for BASIC resources and policing ain’t gonna fix it.

The USA is DECADES behind the rest of the world. Like we’re over here still talking about guarantees around healthcare, mass transit, housing, and food. We’re trying to survive in this draconian nightmare while being tortured by constant exploitation. Policing makes this worse.

The right-wing are fascists and liberal politics make this worse by compromising. If we want the unacceptable to change, we have to force it to. These scenarios don’t have to keep repeating. Force, not ask, or accept every “right” we got being taken. They’re not going to stop.

When you begin to see the police as state-sanctioned mass shooters, you understand why they’re not preventing mass shootings.

The police are part of the problem of mass shootings, not the answer. How many of us have to look at an officer and see a potential killer in the meantime between potentially getting killed by another civilian in the chaotic USA?

White supremacists and would-be killers of all sorts join police forces because they want to kill with impunity. From its origins, the institution of policing was not designed to protect life. It’s designed to control and kill based on oppression and discrimination.

Police are going to keep doing what they’ve always done and killing who they’re designed to kill. There isn’t any point in pretending policing is neutral. It’s a ruling class tool connected to the larger culture of white supremacy that has enabled mass shootings.

Politicians, the wealthy, and the far-right start talking about the police *immediately* any time they see an opportune crisis to bolster these forces. They know what policing is for, does everyone else?” End ID]

[missblushyrose]

A Good Ribbing

A/N: This is a request from @bashfulpinata for the prompt, “Thanks for mentioning that little detail”. I hope this is to your liking, Piñata! Enjoy! Fair warning: this will contain some teasy rib tickles and rib counting. Read if you must, but you may feel them tickles yourself. You’ve been warned.

It was a quiet, yet somewhat dull, Sunday afternoon within the Anderson residence. The steadily ongoing sequence of television shows - mainly consisting of cop comedies that were broadcasted as far back as the 1980s - being the only source of ambiance, as well as the snoring emitting from Sumo, who curled up on his pillow-like bed in the corner of the living room. If that wasn’t enough, there would be the constant chatter between the human and the android.

“I still can’t believe you actually did it, Connor! Did you see the look on Gavin’s face when he tasted the salt you put in his coffee?” Another chortle uproared out in the open as Hank all but fell back into the couch in a fit of jarring laughter, slamming a hand against the armrest to his right.

Almost instantly, his cackling was assimilated by the bout of laughter that resonated from Connor’s voice box. If hearing the sound of his human companion’s own laughter wasn’t the vindication for his sudden display of amusement, the mental photography of the immense abhorrence written on the detective’s face upon registering the unwelcoming bitterness administered from the salt.

“As I explained to you at the precinct, I simply misinterpreted the salt packets for sugar,” Connor managed to explain himself through his giggling, yet they both knew that wasn’t the case. “I will admit, however, that watching Detective Reed’s facial expression contort like that is humorous, nevertheless.”

Hank snorted and just about squawked in between fits of rough laughter. He couldn’t even begin to remember the last time he ever laughed so hard; the side-splitting type of laughter; the laughter that made your sides ache for what felt like hours. “Hahahaha! Hoholy shit! It hurts, it fuckin’ hurts!” He wheezed and coiled an arm over his ribcage instinctively, greedily sucking in copious amounts of air in the midst of recovering from his laugh attack.

The neutral blue illuminating from the android’s LED quickly transitioned into a concerned yellow, his laughter instantly ceasing, amusement morphing to worry as Connor fixed his gaze on the ventilating lieutenant as if scanning for any possible injury had struck him. “H-Hank? Are you hurt?” He asked anxiously.

His laughter finally subsiding, Hank turned back to the android hovering over him out of sheer habit and adjusted himself back into his natural sitting position, rubbing the sliver of mirthful tears out of his eyes. “No, Connor... no. I’m fine, just... my ribs are kinda sore. Nothing serious.”

“Would you like an ice pack from the refrigerator?” The android offered a gentle inquiry through his protective impulse.

“Jesus, Connor...” Hank sighed as he ran a hand over his own face, grabbing onto the android’s wrist and tugging him back onto the couch as he attempted to stand. “I said I’m fine. I appreciate it, but you don’t have to worry about everything I do. I may be old, but I sure as hell ain’t fragile. Besides, the last thing I need is some android nanny hovering over me.” He ended his assuring statement on a teasing note as the yellow LED spiraled back to blue.

“Right. I’m sorry, Hank-”

“Ah! What’d I say about apologizing?”

“I’m so-” The android was immediately cut off with a stern gaze from the older man that told him to shut up. “Nevermind.”

Hank flashed a smug smirk and uttered a light ‘hmph’ in response before turning his attention back to the television, intent on indulging himself further into the currently playing episode. However, much to his own dismay, he was presented with the one thing that plagued every television spectator with annoyance; the one thing that so rudely interrupted television programming everywhere...

“God, I hate these damn commercials!” Hank grumbled, resting his cheek against and closed fist, his elbow perching on the armrest, paying no attention to the images of products that would stir skepticism. He could recall observing merchandise so harebrained, he would sooner buy a $500 bottle of alcohol and not get drunk from it than something so asinine as a $50 washcloth that is claimed to be able to absorb spills and the floor is still messy. Really, who would be idiotic enough to purchase something so useless at a laughably high price?

Surprisingly, this next particular advertisement seemed to have caught his attention. There seemed to be two skeletons, presumably of a male and female human, having a medical conversation, considering the certain terms he blocked out. He could tell from the cerulean hue glowing from the bony beings that this commercial provided information regarding x-rays. 

Don’t get him wrong, he didn’t care much for the ad as a whole. 

He shifted his gaze from the screen and to the android sitting to his left and back. He thought about how he grew more human by the day following his deviancy, then how painstaking, and partially frightening, his appearance resembled to be that of a human, save for the flickering blue LED. And with another glimpse at the skeletal figures on the television monitor, a new curiosity had bloomed.

Hank turned back to the younger man sitting beside him, whose gaze was fixated on the television. “Hey, Connor?”

Connor returned his gaze to the older man, the blue LED gently flickering in curiosity. “Yes, Hank?”

“You know, all this talk about my ribs and that commercial got me thinkin’. I know how androids were made to resemble humans and all, and I was wondering something: do androids have skeletons?”

Connor tilted his head to the side and blinked at the odd question, but he naturally rummaged through his database in search for an answer, his LED spinning with a bright yellow before explaining to his human companion, “While we are internally disparate, in terms of organs and biocomponents, every android has an interior framing composed of polycarbonate material. Despite the durability of the matter, they can be broken, much like regular bones, but can be self-repaired within at least 24 hours. The framing is positioned within certain body parts, such as legs, arms, and hands, and can adjust to common movements, similar to a human skeleton. In conclusion, androids do possess skeletons.”

(A/N: Yeeah, my theory may not be ENTIRELY accurate? Sorry.)

”Do they include ribcages?”

“Yes, as do I.”

With that being said, Hank reached towards the android and, with a newfound stroke of curiosity, uncurled his pointer finger and pressed the fingertip into a specific area just below the underarm with a gentle prod. His confirmed his theory when he felt a hard surface underneath the artificial skin; a bone; a polycarbonate bone; a ticklish bone, given the way Connor squeaked and lightly shuffled to his end of the couch, arms enfolding around the area of his artificial ribcage protectively.

After a few seconds of awkward silence between the two, Hank, who was wearing a shit-eating grin with such mischief, leaned forward and snatched at one of the RK800′s wrists, yanking the android close to ensnare him into an inescapable embrace, his back against the older man’s chest.

Connor’s LED flashed yellow in response to the sudden action momentarily before reverting back to the usual blue, craning his neck to take a glance at his captor, but he was only able to see him from the corner of his eye. “Hank?”

Instead of responding to the address, Hank simply latched onto both sides and dug his fingers between the sets of artificial ribs, vibrating his digits to produce electric-like sensations.

Connor’s eyes flew wide open just as his sensors picked up on the aforementioned feelings, making him fall into fits of sputtering giggles as he lightly kicked his legs through some sort of reflex. “Ahahahaha! Nahahahahaa! Hahahaaank!”

Hank chuckled at the android’s giggly protests, simply curling his fingertips into the gaps of the synthetic ribcage. “Well, whaddya know? You do have ribs, and they’re ticklish!” He hummed to himself as he went on, thinking of a particular game that used to drive Cole up the wall. He wondered if it would work on the ticklish android in his grasp as well. “Hey, Connor... how many ribs do ya have, you think?”

“T-Twehehenty-fohour!” Connor squeaked at the occasional prod here and there. “Twehelve on each sihihide!”

“You sure about that? Maybe I should count ‘em for you~” Hank didn’t even spare the poor android even a second to utter a single protest, and he pressed his thumb into the lowest rib on the right side of his ribcage, kneading and circling the tip against the artificial bone. “One...” He began to slowly count aloud, remaining there for at least three seconds before he would move on to the next one. “Two... three...”

Connor squealed and lurched in the lieutenant’s arms like a small trapped caught in a trap, feebly attempting to pry himself out by pushing his own arms away from each other, but that was stopped by the older man’s tight grip. He could feel a tint of blue painted across his cheeks, having been caused by the teasing croon in Hank’s voice as he counted to tease the poor boy out of his artificial skin.

“Hahahank, pleeheheheease!” He tried to whine through his frantic cries of laughter. “I said I have twehehenty-fohohour rihihiiibs!”

“I’m still gonna check, anyway,” Hank paused his enumeration to answer the android’s plea for an instant before he immediately pressed on, “Now hold still. Twenty-four- Wait, what number was I on? Shit, I think I lost count. Guess we’ll just have to start all over again~”

Connor froze in his place, quickly realizing his mistake, and he initiated another string of pleas with a nervous, wobbly grin. “N-No, wait! Hank, pleheheheeease! Nohohohoo!” He cried out desperately, only to descend into another series of giggles with an occasional squeak as he restarted from the lowest rib.

“One... two... three... four... five... six...” Hank punctuated each number he tallied with a pinch to each rib, the prototype’s laughter becoming albeit louder the higher he went. “Seven... eight... nine... ten... eleven... twelve! Yep, twelve ribs on this side!” He emphasized his announcement with a squeeze to the inflicted side, snickering at the emitted squeak. “But what about the other side, huh? You got twelve of ‘em there, too?”

“Y-Yehes! I assure you, I- Eeek!” Connor was cut off on the spot just as Hank’s hand did so much as make contact with the left side of the artificial ribcage.

“One... two... three...” Hank nipped at each and every sensitive plastic bone with his pointer finger and his thumb as he continued this little game, grinning at the giggly pleads and squeals being composed from his android son. “Aaand twelve! Twenty-four in all! Guess you’re right after all!” He squeezed the left set after he finished, just as he did for the other side.

Connor lowered his shoulders and fell limp against the older man’s chest with soft giggles rising from his own, simply allowing him to hold him in his warm embrace. “I-I did say that, Hank...”

Hank smiled and lightly pinched at one of the prototype’s blue-tinged cheeks, keeping him in his arms for the next minute before took a glance at the side concealed by the plain tee. “And now that I know about all this, I’m actually feeling kinda hungry...” He purred, a devious smirk playing across his lips.

Connor’s eyes went agape just as his auditory processors picked up on the jest, identifying the lighthearted roguishness dripping in his tone. “H-Hank, I realize your intentions, and I advise you against this. If you are famished, you can find a proper source of nourishment in the kitchen- Aahh!” His attempt to dissuade the intent was deterred with a startled squeal as he was lightly pushed onto the couch and on his back, his father figure kneeling over his legs to prevent any venture to escape.

“Aw, c’mon, Connor! I haven’t had any ribs in a while!” Hank grumbled in a satirical manner as he slowly upheaved the fabric of the android’s casual tee by the hem and bunched it over his chest, exposing his entire abdomen. “I forgot what they taste like~”

“Hahank, please don’t do thihis! S-Surely there must be an alternatIIIIVE!” Once again, Connor’s attempt to reason with him came to a crashing halt as Hank swooped down and buried his face into the left set of ribs, gently nibbling at the artificial bones instantaneously. “AHAHAHAHAAA!”

“Mmmmm, that sure is tasty!” Hank murmured against the sensitive skin, causing the younger man to snort and jolt. “They’re so warm, ticklish, and they taste like giggles! Sounds like a pretty good snack to me!”

Connor shrieked mirthfully, startling Sumo out of his slumber in the process before settling back into his lazy doze. The android drummed his feet against the cushions and flailed his arms around as Hank continued to ‘devour’ at the sensitive artificial bones of his ribcage, switching between gently nibbling with his teeth and his lips at random moments, leaving him unable to calculate what the older man would do next until it was inflicted. The soft brushes of his beard and theatrical growls and eating noises seemed to add onto the sensations coursing through his sensors.

“HAHAHAHAAANK!” Connor wailed through his howls of laughter as he clenched his eyes shut tightly in an attempt to ease the feelings, wincing at the occasional quick raspberry administered to the horribly sensitive skin. “MEHEHEHERCY! DAHAHAAD, PLEHEHEASE! I-I CAHAHAN’T!”

As his last attempt to beg for mercy came forth, a hand ruffled the disheveled locks and the weight was lifted from his legs, allowing him to curl in on himself. The prototype sluggishly draped an arm over his eyes as if trying to hide himself as the blue tint slowly vanished from his goofily grinning face, simply lying in his current position and waiting for his leftover giggles to fade away. He pried his arm away from his face to look over at Hank, who returned the gaze with a wry, affectionate grin of his own that told him that he would surely take advantage of in the future.

“Thanks for mentioning that little detail. Now I know one more ticklish spot.”

[lindafrancois]

How to Get in Shape Quickly and Safely: 4-Step Beginner Guide

This step-by-step strategy guide will tell you everything you need to do to lose weight and get healthy starting today.

I know you have lots of questions, and I promise I’ll answer every single one of them (yes, even that one).

These are the exact strategies we tailor to each 1-on-1 Online Coaching Clients, and I’m excited to share them with you today.

We create custom workout programs that get results! Learn more:

In this guide we’ll discuss:

Step #1: WHY you want to get in shape (Inspiration)

Step #2: HOW to eat (Nutrition)

Step #3: WHAT to do for exercise (Move!)

Step #4: WHO belongs on your Squad (Support)

Real Talk: How quickly can I get in shape? (The Truth)

Four easy steps to obtain the Nerd Fitness “Triforce of Winning!”

“But Steve, ‘tri’ means three…”

…don’t worry about that, because Triforce!

Either way, you got this.

You can read our overall philosophy below (which has helped hundreds of thousands of people), and help you get started today!

Step 1: WHY Do You Want to Get In Shape? (Inspiration)

Let’s start here. WHY are you reading this guide? 

Do you want to get in shape to:

Start dating again?

Win a weight loss competition at work?

Eventually play with your newborn son?

Grow old with your significant other?

Prove everybody wrong who said “you can’t do it?”

Because you just want to look good naked?

Have a freaking reason, friend!

Write it down, hang it up in your bedroom, tattoo it on your face, write it down on a piece of paper and staple it to your forehead.

Whatever.

Just keep that reason for wanting a better life at the front of your mind at all times.

With our 1-on-1 Coaching Clients, we call this “Your Big Why.”

This reason is going to help you keep going when it’s raining or you’re tired or you had a crappy day at work and you just want to binge-watch the Office and eat takeout.

In addition to having a good reason, many people get inspired by reading success stories of folks like them.

Luckily for you, we have lots of those stories on Nerd Fitness with many more to come. These are real people who love video games and books and work desk jobs (click on each to hear their full story):

#1) LESLIE THE SINGLE MOM WHO GOT STRONG AS HELL:

#2) JIMMY THE AEROSPACE ENGINEER WHO TURNED HIMSELF INTO SPIDER-MAN:

#3) STACI WHO STARTED POWERLIFTING AND FOUND CONFIDENCE:

#4) JEFF THE DOCTOR WHO TRAVELS 2 WEEKS EVERY MONTH – HE FINALLY GOT HEALTHY:

#5) CHRISTINA WHO GREW STRONG  TO DO PULL-UPS AND BEGAN TO HIKE THE WORLD:

Maybe success stories aren’t your thing.

Completely understandable.

Instead, perhaps you like to get your inspiration from slightly nerdier articles from your favorite stories:

Indiana Jones

The Lord of the Rings

The Legend of Zelda

Hunger Games

Assassin’s Creed

Star Wars

The Matrix

Or maybe you’re a video fan! 

Well then, videos like these might make you want to run through brick walls.

#1) Here’s a video that states “When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, then you’ll be successful.”

#2) Some tips from the Terminator might get you motivated too:

#3) You might shed some tears of inspiration with this one:

…like to read?

This article will make you want to start strength training today.

Why all this focus on inspiration and motivation?

Because getting in shape will never be “easy”.

The first week – while you’re excited – is fun.

It’s the rainy days and snow days and busy days at work when you DON’T want to work out that will decide whether or not you actually get in shape.

But…

Unless you can find the discipline to push through those tough days, it becomes easier than ever to give up at the first sign of resistance.

And the name of the game is “consistent adherence.”

In other words, not skipping a workout and consistently eating healthy.

Step 2: How to Eat (Nutrition)

If you want to get in shape quickly, start making slightly better food choices!

80% of your success when it comes to getting healthy will depend on your diet – unless you are running marathons on a daily basis, you cannot outrun your fork, and you can’t out-train a bad diet.

If you’re not losing weight, it’s because you’re eating too many calories!

So, if you can work on making SLIGHTLY better food choices, and filling up your plate with plenty of protein and vegetables, you’re less likely to overeat calories!

Whether you want to count calories, cut out certain foods, or attempt a new diet altogether, this is the most important step you can take:

Start here: How to Eat Healthy – yes, it’s a long read. But it covers the basics and teaches you what to eat and not to eat.

The 5 Rules of Weight Loss – This guide will help you lose weight without having to go on “yet another diet.”

“How to Lose Weight: Pick the Right Diet“ – Speaking of diets, here’s an explanation of all the popular diets and how to pick the one that’s right for you.”

Short on money? – No problem, here’s How to Eat Healthy Without Breaking the Bank. 

Now, most people can’t stick with nutritional changes because they try to make TOO many changes at once, their stomach freaks out and they run back to their comfort foods.

Sure, you can do things like the Keto Diet or Paleo Diet, but restrictive diets are really tough to stick with for the long term.

And temporary changes create temporary results! 

My advice? Pick one food change every few weeks, and stick with it.

To get in shape, you could try:

Eating fewer calories per day.

Switching to diet soda.

Eating more vegetables.

Cooking your own meal once a week.

These small changes can lead to big successes in the long run.

I know how changing your diet can be overwhelming sometimes, and sticking with changes in the long term is really tough.

It’s why we built a 10-level NF Diet that tells you exactly how to transition your diet slowly so you can lose weight the right way and transform your physique permanently!

Download our free weight loss guide

THE NERD FITNESS DIET: 10 Levels to Change Your Life

Follow our 10-level nutrition system at your own pace

What you need to know about weight loss and healthy eating

3 Simple rules we follow every day to stay on target

Step 3: What to do For exercise (Move!)

Okay, so now you should be all fired up and inspired and thinking,

“Hey Steve, this Nerd Fitness stuff is cool. I’m ready to get in shape.”

Let’s get started.

A) Pick goals that are SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and timely). Be incredibly specific with your goals so that you can actively plan what steps are needed to achieve those goals:

“I’m going to lose 25 pounds this year by going to the gym 3 times per week for the next 6 months.”

That’s a good goal.

Alternatively, you could also work on a reoccurring habit that will indirectly help your goal.

EXAMPLE: “I’m going to walk to Mordor by walking a mile every day for a month. If I go for a walk, I win.”

This allows you to review your day/week with a simple question: “Did I do what I set out to do?”

Whichever method you decide, it’s important to be deliberate in your actions:

If you are setting goals – be SUPER SPECIFIC, write them down, and plan them out.

If you are building new habits – add them to your calendar, set phone alarms or alerts, and do them EVERY DAY.

Understand that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and Optimus Prime didn’t transform in one move. This is NOT a diet, or a quick fix, but a LIFESTYLE CHANGE. Don’t expect results overnight, or abs in two weeks. Slow, steady progress.

Next, we need to…

B) Identify your Kryptonite.

Think back to the last time(s) you tried to get in shape and lose weight.

How successful were you?

How long did you stick with it?

What made you fall off the wagon?

If you failed, congratulations!

You already know which “get in shape” method doesn’t work for you.

It’s simply the wrong piece of the puzzle you’re trying to solve.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

So unless you enjoy not getting results, don’t try to get in shape the same way you did last time…it AIN’T gonna work!

If you counted calories, ran on a treadmill, and did kickboxing and you’re not happy with the results, it’s time to try something new.

Ask yourself:

Did work got busy or you went on vacation?

Was it because you actually hated exercising?

Whatever it was, you need to pick a different strategy this time.

C) Find an activity that makes you happy, and do it all of the time.

Do you like to run? Awesome, do that (just do it right).

Do you like to lift weights? Awesome, make sure your workouts don’t suck.

Maybe you like yoga, or dodgeball, or Ultimate Frisbee, or rock climbing, or whatever!

If you tell me that “I don’t like to exercise,” then you just haven’t found the activity that makes you happy yet.

Here are 40 Ways to Exercise Without Realizing It.

We’re genetically designed to be active, so find something you enjoy doing.

So if you “don’t like exercise,” it’s time to try new things until you find something that you DO like.

Sign up for a new class, join your company’s running club for a day, try out something in your basement or living room, just keep trying new stuff until you find something that you like.

And then do it as often as you can. As long as you’re consistently under your daily caloric energy expenditure, you will lose weight.

D) Supercharge your results and build a great physique.

And last but not least, learn how to get strong.

Getting stronger is one of the BEST things you can do to lose weight and get in shape.

Your body processes calories differently when you are strength training compared to other forms of exercise.

Coach Matt explains this in our video for body recomposition:

If you want more here, check out Losing Fat and Gaining Muscle (at the Same Time).

A quick explanation:

Your body needs to burn extra calories to rebuild all the muscles you just worked out during a strength training workout.

Therefore, there will be fewer calories to go around to store as fat!

This leads to lower body fat percentage and tighter muscles.

WIN WIN WIN!

My Advice: don’t overcomplicate things.

Here is a basic beginner bodyweight workout today that you can do in your own home too:

Here are 7 more Home Workouts for you to wet your whistle with.

Oh, what’s that? You enjoy working out in a gym?

Great! Here are 6 Beginner Gym Workouts you can start today.

And if you need even more examples, here are 15 Circuit Training Workout Routines to follow too! 

To recap, here’s how to start getting in shape today:

Determine your goals or habits you want to establish.

Determine why your previous attempts didn’t work.

Pick a fun exercise that makes you happy, and do it. A lot.

Get stronger than you were yesterday.

If you’re overwhelmed at the very idea of how to get in shape, I hear ya. 

From bootcamps to “What is CrossFit” to Weight Watchers to paleo to vegan to Klingon, how are you supposed to make sense of all this information to find the right path?

The truth is that there is no ONE path that works for everybody.

So, if you want a coach to build a workout program and diet plan that’s specific to YOUR unique situation, check out our 1-on-1 Online Coaching Program.

Step 4: Who is On Your Squad? (Support)

Last but not least, you need support.

Yes, I understand it’s kind of fun to be an army of one: the lone ranger trying to succeed against insurmountable odds….but it’s not necessary.

Once you decide to get in shape, want to know the best way to guarantee success? 

Here are 5 ways to find support while getting in shape:

#1) Consider making it public.

Tell your friends, start a blog, and/or inform your co-workers and ask them to keep you accountable!

Unless you like being called a quitter, you’ll probably think twice about skipping out on your workouts.

Maybe your word isn’t your bond, and you need a different kind of motivation and support to succeed.

#2) Put your money where your mouth is.

My buddy Saint said he would pay his friends $500 if he didn’t get in absolutely incredible shape for his wedding six months down the road.

Saint didn’t have $500 to lose, so he decided instead to just get in great shape…and it worked.

#3) Build your own Jedi Council.

Find people who are:

Stronger than you and work out with them.

Faster than you and run with them.

More educated than you and ask them questions.

There could even be a droid out there you’re looking for…

These are people that you can turn to when you need advice or help. If you don’t know anybody in real life, keep reading…

#4) Find a workout buddy, hire a trainer, or hire a coach!

There are going to be days when you want to sleep in and skip your workout. There will be afternoons following a crappy day of work where all you want to do is play Halo.

Find somebody who’s at a similar level of fitness as you, and work out with them!

He/she will push you on days when you’re dragging, and vice versa.

You can inspire and support each other, feed off of each other’s success, and offer up tough love when the complaining gets too much (and yes, there will be complaining).

Now, let’s say you’re the ONE person in your group of friends that wants to get in shape.

Or you’re the only person in your office who doesn’t stuff his face every day. Maybe you don’t have anybody to turn to for support or advice…

Welp, we’ve got you covered: 

The Nerd Fitness community – a persistently amazing, always inspiring, never judgmental group of people who want nothing more than to help you succeed.

I have never been more excited and proud to be part of a community.

Or if you want to take it to the next level…

#5) Join our coaching program: If you like the cut of our jib, consider hiring one of our nerdy trainers to keep you accountable and answer any questions you have.

I’ve been working with an online trainer for 4+ years now and it’s the best money I spend each month.

Work with an online personal trainer and get results that actually last. Learn more:

Real Talk: How Quickly can I get in Shape? How Fast Can I lose Weight?

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Pick a goal that you hope to accomplish in the next 30 days and then start working towards it.

Keep it simple but specific, and get started today.

But I know your next question:

“How fast can I get in shape, Steve?” 

We have a full article right here answering that question, but I’ll give you the short honest answer here:

You can expect to lose around 1-2 pounds per week safely if you start reducing your calorie intake (80% of the equation) and moving more (20% of the equation).

I know there are absurd diets like the Military Diet that says “Lose 10 pounds in 7 days!” But don’t believe it.

Temporary changes create temporary results! 

And our goal is for you to be slightly healthier today than you were yesterday.

And then healthier and happier next year compared to this year.

It means you should be thinking in terms of Years and Days, not weeks and months:

Instead of asking “How quickly can I lose weight?” instead ask “What do I need to do to build the right habits NOW so they become automatic LATER?”

Do a few push-ups.

Go for a walk.

Eat a vegetable.

Join the Rebellion – start fixing your nutrition with small changes today.

If you just finished reading these 2,500 words and you’re still overwhelmed, you’re not alone! 

This stuff overwhelms the best of us. If you are looking for a bit more hands-on instruction, or you really want the peace of mind knowing that you’re doing the correct program, I got ya!

We have three options that have both helped thousands upon thousands of people like you get started:

#1) Most involved: Our 1-on-1 coaching program where a NF coach will get to learn your situation, your lifestyle, and your experience, and then build a workout program and nutritional strategy that fits into your busy life.

We get to know you better than you know yourself, and we’ve got the results to prove it! Consider checking out our coaching program if you’re looking for that next level of expert guidance and accountability.

Our coaching program is like having Yoda in your pocket (not literally). Learn more:

#2) Go-At-Your-Own-Pace, Do It Yourself: Nerd Fitness Journey. This is our app that allows you to get in shape while building your own superhero..

Tons of bodyweight workout plans (no gym required), a nutritional program that won’t make any scary changes, video demonstrations exercises, boss battles, daily wins, and group challenges!

Oh, and you’ll earn XP and receive loot the whole time.

Sign up for your free trial right here:

And don’t forget to…

#3) Join the Rebellion! We need good people like you in our community, the Nerd Fitness Rebellion. You’ll meet individuals who are attempting to get in shape the 1st time or the 50th time, all who want to better themselves alongside of you. 

Sign up in the box below to enlist and get our Rebel Starter Kit, which includes all of our “work out at home” guides, the Nerd Fitness Diet Cheat Sheet, and much more!

Get your Nerd Fitness Starter Kit

The 15 mistakes you don’t want to make.

Full guide to the most effective diet and why it works.

Complete and track your first workout today, no gym required.

Big things come from small beginnings, so pick the tiniest change or action you can take to get started, and then repeat that every day.

As you start to build the habit, you can increase the ‘difficulty’ and try something a bit more challenging, but it all starts with habit building.

Educate yourself, find your inspiration, and create your support group. 

Welcome to the Rebellion.

Any questions?

-Steve

###

Day 346, Lunar School Bus, Not All Heroes Wear Capes, Family Portrait, Mountain Biker

The post Blog first appeared on Nerd Fitness.

How to Get in Shape Quickly and Safely: 4-Step Beginner Guide published first on https://dietariouspage.tumblr.com/

[robininthelabyrinth]

Coldwave au idea: Lens life is better (dad is dead, mom stayed, etc) micks life worse. Their 1st meeting isnt big event for Len now but Mick is obsessed. Stalks him for right moment to have Len forever. Nabs Len. Makes Len his. Dark happy ending

I am so sorry, anon. I promise I will write you something nice and dark at some point. But I tried three times and every time I tried, it got fluffier and fluffier and fluffier until you have what you see below.

ao3 link (i.e. Harley Quinn fic 2)

   ———————————————————————————–

Lewis Snart is a corrupt cop with a sideline in Family work.

He’s also an incompetent thief, relying on suggestions from his nine year old son to fix his plans, but he refuses to admit such a thing. And so it is, when Len unexpectedly falls sick with a flu that robs him of his voice, he shrugs and does without.

He fails.

The Families have no patience for failure.

Lewis Snart is gunned down in his own house, before the horrified eyes of his son and his infant daughter.

Len’s foster home - both his and Lisa’s, a kind-hearted couple who fell for her golden curls and couldn’t bring themselves to tear her away from her sobbing elder brother - makes him get so much therapy.

That’s probably what makes him decide to become a shrink, really.

And that, in turn, is what leads to -

Well.

Everything else.

“- and that’s why I need your help,” Len concludes.

The woman in front of him looks utterly bewildered. Len’s not sure why; he thought he’d been perfectly clear.

“Should I start again?” he offers.

“Please do, mister,” she says, raising a hand up and pinching the bridge of her nose. “No, wait a sec. I gotta few preliminary questions, stating off with how’d you find out where me and Ivy were hanging out, anyways?”

“Really good fertilizer has a higher toxicity rate than normal soil,” Len explains. “I got the last two geological surveys, which Gotham gets with startling regularity; this was the only place that changed. Next question?”

“So that’s how Bats keeps finding us,” she mutters crossly. “Damnit, Ivy.”

“Maybe if you suggested she start a few new gardens each time instead of focusing on just one?”

“She doesn’t want to leave her ‘babies’ alone for that long. Second question: what in hell made you think that finding me ta ask for help was a good idea?”

Len blinks at her. “Why not? I have a problem and I need assistance from a colleague, and - as I said - you have the most expertise in -”

“I’m Harley Quinn, sweetie,” she interrupts. “I’m a supervillain.”

“What, and you stopped having your PhD as a result?”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve had my license revoked,” she says helplessly.

“Don’t mean you got a lobotomy and forgot it all.”

“Fair enough,” Harley says, clearly giving up on convincing him. “So, yeah, start again, I wasn’t listening on account of thinking you was nuts. What’s your issue again? And why am I the best person to help you?”

“Okay,” Len says. He wouldn’t be as good a shrink as he is if he wasn’t patient and willing to go over things multiple times. “I’m a licensed psychiatrist specializing in severe disorders among the criminal population -”

“Same as I was,” Harley agrees.

“Yeah, and also like you, I specialize in self-identified supervillains.”

“Tell me you didn’t get a job at Arkham!” she exclaims, horrified.

“Oh, no, nothing like that,” Len assures her. “I work in Central City.”

“I guess that’s better…”

“Debatable. At least Gotham has an asylum, even if it is Arkham. We just have Iron Heights regular wing and Iron Heights supervillain wing. Not ideal for therapy, even once they’re out.”

“Out?”

“Iron Heights is something of a revolving door,” Len says. “Again, much like Arkham, but more urgent in the exit strategies. Honestly, in my view, it’s all for the best that they get out; most of my patients are definitely not being helped by confinement in a frankly abusive situation by people who don’t understand their particular needs -”

“No kidding,” Harley replies enthusiastically. “Even Arkham doesn’t care, it’s more about tryin’ ta keep ‘em from society than it is about actually taking care of ‘em and trying to make 'em better -”

“Exactly,” Len exclaims, nodding. He knew she’d understand. “The interaction of the superhero culture with the particular neuroses of these individuals results in -”

“- an entirely new pathology, necessitating by definition a different form of treatment -”

“This is why I came to you,” Len says, pleased.

Harley paused, flushing a little. “Well, I guess I do still take somethin’ of an interest. So you treat supervillains?”

“I actually have a rather unorthodox approach,” Len says. “Central City supervillains are often using their supervillainy to work through deep-seated issues - one is dealing with the loss of a younger brother he built much of his identity around, another is a clinical narcissist, yet another is a diagnosed pyromaniac with anxiety issues…”

“Yeah? You getting anywhere with 'em?”

“Actually, yes. In contrast to the traditional approach, which emphasizes care in a clinical setting - one that many of them reject rather, uh, forcefully due to various traumas in their pasts - I’ve taken an alternative approach of working on their issues in their own setting.”

Harley pauses mid-nod. “I know that’s a pretty common technique for patients in regular treatment, mixing with them in their own environments and whatnot,” she says cautiously. “But for these guys - ain’t their own setting supervillainy?”

“It is,” Len says steadily.

Harley holds out a little longer, but he doesn’t elaborate.

“Okay, I’ll bite,” she says. “How’re you treatin’ 'em?”

“They’ve created identities as supervillains, and they want to be recognized as supervillains,” Len explains. “It’s important to them. They form entire coping rituals around it. So I meet with them on their own level, acknowledging and respecting them as supervillains.”

“Won’t that require, uh, you being a super, too?”

Len shrugs. “I explained my approach to the Flash - he’s our local cape - and he’s real reasonable about it. We staged a few fights, couple of thefts -”

“Wait. You’re a supervillain?!”

“Technically I’m just engaging in a police-approved therapeutic roleplay with -”

“What’s your name? Have I heard of ya? Tell me I’ve heard of you!”

“I mean, it’s possible -”

“Alias, now! I’m tired of being the only shrink supervillain.”

“Captain Cold.”

“Holy crap, I have heard of ya! You’re the - oh, man, the Rogues! The Rogues are your patients?”

Len nods.

“How?!”

“I 'rescued’ them from prison. Technically, I’m acting as a guarantee for their parole officers -”

“And ya keep 'em from killing anyone.”

“Exactly. And I work with 'em in the meantime. I’ve made a lot of progress - Pied Piper is actually transitioning to working with the heroes on a regular basis, he’s actually dating a cop now and he’s dealing with his internalized self-hatred in a much healthier way -”

“Nice,” Harley says, offering her hand for a high-five. “That’s much better; if Ivy or Ozzie asks what I was doing, I can just say supervillain meet-up.”

Len frowns. “Are they restricting your access to non-supervillain acquaintances?”

“No, no, nothing like that! We’re just dealing with a small infestation of Owls - don’t worry about it; you don’t want to get involved in Gotham’s shit. No one does. Anyway. Tell me about the problem.”

“It’s not really - he’s not - it’s not a problem, really.”

Harley’s eyebrows go up pointedly and she leans back in her chair, crossing her arms.

“Mick Rory,” Len confesses. “Heatwave, our pyromaniac - diagnosed, as I mentioned, and working with a traditional shrink as well as with me. He’s working real hard on getting better, but it’s tough – it’s a long-standing issue. He’s had the pyromania and anxiety since childhood, and then his parents died in a fire and he got blamed, and then things went downhill from there, so you can imagine the rest.”

Harley nods. “Sounds knotty,” she agrees.

“He’s making plenty of progress, though,” Len assures her.

“So what’s the problem?”

“He’s – well. He’s developed something of a crush on me,” Len admits.

“Ooooh boy.”

“No, it’s - it’s not like that. It’s cute. He tries to stalk me sometimes.”

“Stalking ain’t cute, buddy. Trust me.”

“No, no, nothing like that. It’s, like, he hides behind lampposts. He pretends to be reading a newspaper, like that hides his face at all. Stuff like that, it’s absurd. And if I ever tell him not to follow me, he doesn’t.”

“So you haven’t asked him to knock it off generally?”

Len hesitates.

“Yep, that’s what I thought,” she says. “So lemme stop you right where you are: no. Don’t do it. Falling for a patient isn’t just ethically wrong, it’s - well. It’s a bad idea. Trust me.”

“That’s why I came to you, actually,” Len says. “You being the ultimate expert in HQS and all.”

“HQS?”

Len coughs.

“…tell me that don’t stand for Harley Quinn Syndrome.”

“If you don’t want me to tell you, I won’t. Won’t change it, though.”

“Oh jeez. I can’t believe it. You know, when I wished on my twenty-first birthday candle to go down in the history books, I ought’ve been more specific.”

Len shrugs sympathetically.

“So what do you need advice in? How not to fall for your patient?”

“That,” Len says grimly, “or else I’m gonna need to give you a referral so that he won’t be my patient anymore.”

“Oh, sweetie,” Harley says. “You’ve got it bad.”

“Harls?” Mick says into his phone. “You got a minute?”

“For you, sweetie, definitely,” she says. There’s the ripping sound of duct tape and the yelling in the background turns into muffled shouting. “What’s up?”

“I don’t wanna bug you if you’re doing something else…”

“Nah, no business or nothing. Spa day with the Sirens, fucking up some bad guys, but the girls have got it covered. Talk to me, baby. You sound upset.”

“I think I’ve done it again,” Mick says sadly.

“Gonna have to be more specific, sparky. Lit a serious fire? Went mano-a-mano with the Flash? Decided to blow up a building?”

“I kidnapped Len and moved him into my basement so we could be together forever.”

“Mick!”

“I left the door open, though,” Mick says earnestly. “I didn’t want him feeling confined or nothing.”

Harley face-palms. Mick can hear it. “Well, that’s something,” she says. “You know he loves you, right?”

“I know he thinks he does…”

“That’s just your anxiety talkin’. He’s dating you because he wants to be with you. S’why he referred you ta me. Tell me, did you at least leave him the key, too?”

“What key?”

“…didn’t you lock him up?”

“No! You know how Len feels about being stuck and unable to get out of places.”

“So you kidnapped him, took him to your basement, and…left him there with the door open and not tied up?”

“I made him dinner, too?”

“…you know what? I’m gonna call this progress. Now, I need you to go sit down and write about what your day was like so we can try to identify what led you to this decision…”

[90dayableton]

90 Days of Ableton: Day 0 & 1

I downloaded Ableton in the late evening on May 10th, so I’m going to call May 11th, my first full day with the software, Day 1.

May 10th was Day 0.

I did spend a couple hours on Day 0 trying to get comfortable with the program. I’ve never used a full DAW before - I’ve only noodled around with free web apps like Soundation.

So I had a basic sense of how to add instruments or channels, how to create and edit clips, and how to create notes with the draw mode/pen tool.

I decided to start by making something slow & chill.

I had a basic structure already in mind:

Start with one nice chord pattern with a little texture, a few passing notes, to make it interesting: 2, 4, or 8 measures long, as an introduction. Play it by itself.

Then, after 2-4 measures, layer it with beats.

Then layer it with more filled-out chords.

Then layer it with melodic lines. Make the melody another repeating loop, 2-4 measures long.

After the melody plays a couple times, start to tweak things. Change some of the moving notes, make sequences go up instead of down, or down instead of up.

Then add a few more percussive elements, transitions, and little instrumental call-outs to give it some life.

Every 2-4 measures, add a new instrument or effect without breaking the underlying pattern. Familiar foundation + novelty = brain takes interest.

Once the pattern repeats enough that you get tired of it, it’s time for a B section!

Now start removing instruments. Allow the more recent elements to play, or play with variations, and switch up the basic loops you started with. (i.e. change the bassline, change the chords, change the beats - you want complementary, but different.)

Preserve some elements, change others. Keep it on a 2, 4, or 8 measure cycle. You want new things to happen every 2 measures.

Re-introduce elements you haven’t heard in a while on top of new ones for a satisfying climax.

As for an outro? I basically just let the B section play out, and then I went back to the chords from the intro but I gave them to a different instrument, and I silenced everything else...dropped out the bass, the percussion, everything except a little ambiance. It worked, even though it was abrupt.

By the end of Day 1, I felt I had something cohesive and more-or-less “finished,” though it was very unrefined.

I lowered some of the track volumes (bass, shamisen, soft horn, bottle blower) but not all of them (I’m writing this from the perspective of Day 3 so now I know that the mixer in the red is something to correct), I didn’t do any panning, I didn’t double any instruments. I didn’t do anything with gates or envelopes or pitch shifting.

It’s basically a compilation of sounds and a nice tune but it’s not edited, mastered, or mixed in any significant way.

What I Started With:

Ableton Live 10 Trial (free)

a pretty chord riff: mine was inspired by an old j-rock song ain’t afraid to die by dir en grey

(I figured out the exact notes of the chords (I have a good ear but I do not have perfect pitch, people) with this synthesia video breakdown of the song.)

a few general ideas for how to structure it (listed above)

a few general ideas for organizing my workstation

basic background in music performance/theory (I know that not all aspiring music producers may have this, and I am lucky to; but it’s also likely that many musicians are drawn to this work)

What I Learned:

ONE. I’m not sure why the basic template, when you open a new live set, is two Midi tracks and two Audio tracks. The first habit I started was deleting one Midi and one Audio track, silencing the two remaining, and using them as temporary storage tracks to hold midi & audio samples/clips that I wanted to use but hadn’t assigned to an instrument. Nobody told me to do that. It just made sense to me and maybe in the future I’ll find out that it’s actually a bad idea, but it works right now.

TWO. The basic trial version of Ableton supposedly doesn’t have as much extra content (sounds, samples, instruments) as the full one, but it’s still pretty loaded. [Disclaimer: Nobody is paying me to say this.] A really huge amount of time was just taken up with me sorting through all the stuff that came pre-installed, listening to samples, and selecting what might sound good in the context of my own song. (HOWEVER - I did want more orchestral instrument options. Not enough brass and winds, and the strings could definitely be improved...)

THREE. It’s really easy to get distracted by other cool sounds. I ended up saving a bunch of specific samples to my user library (or creating a new live set to play around with it a little bit) because hearing certain unrelated sounds inevitably triggered new musical ideas that weren’t appropriate for the current composition.

FOUR. If I didn’t have a specific idea for a song in my head (which I did), it would have been so much harder and taken so much longer to create something cohesive. Going in with 1. a basic chord progression and 2. a couple basic melodic “cues” that I lifted from the lead vocals in the original song made it MUCH easier to fill in everything else around it. I deliberately took inspiration from another song because I wanted to focus on creating something pretty that would teach me how to use the software without getting too bogged down in composition.

FIVE. It was easy to get distracted and to flounder until I “landed” on exactly the sound I needed, or the sound I didn’t know I needed until I heard it. Example: I didn’t plan out a shamisen track, but once I saw the shamisen instrument in my library, I knew I was gonna have a good time with it. Or the chimes. As soon as I heard the chimes, I knew exactly where to put them and I didn’t swerve.

SIX. One of the most time-consuming things was just locking in the actual notes. I was used to the draw tool in another program that streamlined drawing notes, but I felt like it was clunkier and slower-going in Ableton because there were so many more refined options.

As a result, I learned/realized that I could use my computer keyboard in lieu of a Midi keyboard (which I don’t own), so I ended up composing that way. When there were tempo or rhythmic issues, I fixed them by ear, manually re-positioning notes...(I can only assume there’s a shortcut I don’t know about yet because if it’s not clear I’m a total noob) and zooming in closer for more refined adjustments.

SEVEN. Zooming! I learned a few basic keyboard shortcuts which helped SO much. On a PC:

ctrl+alt gives you a grabby hand and if you hold those down while you click with the mouse you can move all around the track without accidentally clicking or highlighting or deleting anything

ctrl + mouse scroll wheel (or + / - buttons) lets you zoom in and out, in the track itself and in the midi note editor.

EIGHT. One of those “learning by doing” things - day 0 & 1 were just immersing myself in the system and figuring out how to actually do the thing I needed. Some of my early questions:

why is my master track mixer red when everything else is green? (answer: you need to lower individual track volumes well below 0, like at least -8 to -12.)

how do I make the display go left-right with a timeline instead of up-down? (answer: tab button to switch between views)

how do I make this note sound less harsh? (answer: probably has something to do with the velocity? and/or the attack?)

how do I make this sound linger instead of clip off suddenly? (answer: hold the note until the end of the phrase, or lengthen the clip to draw it out - yeah I’m not touching reverb yet)

how do I lengthen or shorten clips? (answer: there’s a function with ctrl + E to slice something if you want to chop it up, but otherwise just grabbing it by the edge and dragging left or right will work. note this is for the clip...not the music/notes.)

how do I make the instrument panel come up and how do I hear it and how do I use my keyboard as a midi controller?

answer:

Select your instrument from the library sidebar and drag it to the place under the other tracks where it says “drop files and devices here”

Then, double click on that track

This should create a new “clip” which you can expand or move around to a different place in the timeline.

There’s a little keyboard along the left side of the “midi clip editor” which pops up at the bottom of the screen when you create a new clip. Click the headphone icon above the keyboard (which lets you hear yourself play it) AND press the M button on your keyboard to turn the Computer Midi Keyboard on and off. (You should see it light up in the top right corner, near the CPU load meter.)

Then, you should be able to use your keyboard to play notes - a s d f g h j k as the basic notes of the c major scale (i.e. white keys from C - C; easy to remember since f and g correspond to actual F and G) and W E T Y U as black keys.

To actually record what you’re playing, hit the record button. Personally I recommend setting the metronome (upper left corner) to count off one bar before the recording starts.

I will share my finished “song” from the end of Day One, but before I do, in the next post I’m going to break down what happened on Day Two to show you how I improved even further upon my work.

Then you can hear the two side by side, really proving how much progress one person can make in a single day!

[allenmendezsr]

An Athlete's Guide To Chronic Knee Pain

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An Athlete's Guide To Chronic Knee Pain

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Got patellar tendonitis? Jumper’s knee (patellar tendonosis)? How about patellar mistracking? Chondromalacia? Or maybe your knees are always in pain, for reasons you don’t quite know yet?

I’m going to tell you two things. If you’re an athlete with chronic knee pain, you NEED to know these two things.

First, let’s start with a story.

You have a friend named Kong. Kong likes touching hot things. Don’t ask why. That’s just Kong. He’s a weird guy.

You’re a good friend. You don’t want Kong to burn himself, so you scour his house, getting rid of everything that can potentially burn him. Kong lives happily ever after, right?

Eh…

Not really. Because Kong is limited to a “fake” world. If he ever returns to the real world, he’s gonna’ get burned. It’s possible to live pain free in a fake world without really being healed.

AVOIDING THE PROBLEM ≠ FIXING THE PROBLEM

The root of Kong’s problem is his wacky tendency to touch hot things, not necessarily the pain he experiences as a result of his strange behavior.

Pain is just one piece to a much larger puzzle. 

What this means to you.

So here you are. You can’t run. You can’t jump. You can’t squat. Even standing up from the toilet makes you wince. Your knees are in shambles.

And there you are. In bed. Waiting for a miracle. Waiting for the physiology gnomes to tap your knee with a magical star wand.

Because, well, that’s everyone recommends. Rest. Rest. Rest some more. Rest. Rest. Rest. Rest. Rest. 

But “rest” is the cheap answer.

You can avoid the sports and activities you love and feel OK, but when you go back to them…? You get burned.

Kong’s paradox.

Most rehab theories are based on an arbitrary concept of being damaged one day, resting for a little bit, then being magically healed overnight.

This is true and false at the same time. Your body is amazing. It can heal itself. But as long as you still have the behaviors that forced the damage, you’re going to continually breakdown.

This is Kong’s paradox.

You can eliminate the pain (feel healthy) without fixing the root of pain.

And if you continually ignore the root of the pain? Your short-term inflammation (knee pain, tendonitis) turns into long-term tissue degeneration (jumper’s knee, tendonosis).

Pain isn’t hardcore or manly. It’s not natural. Pain is a sign that something is wrong. 

The first thing you need to know is this: rest isn’t going to permanently fix your knee pain. You have to fix the root of your problem, and the root is (not surprisingly) the second thing you need to know.

You can’t make the following logical mistake: thinking your knee is the thing that’s broken because the knee itself is the thing in pain.

Take a look at the pictures below. I cropped them out of some random YouTube videos.

Both of these guys are doing vertical jumps. The guy on the left claims a 30″ vertical jump. The guy on the right, 50″. (Which is very high, so let’s just say 40″ to account for internet inflation.) Honestly, the output doesn’t matter much.

Aside from the raw numbers, there’s a difference between the two: I consider one a knee pain candidate, and the other a knee pain conqueror.

Below are more still shots from YouTube, but with NFL combine athletes (a little less random than, well, random YouTubers).

Notice how their body positions are more similar to the guy on the right in the first picture? It’s no coincidence. (Rule 39: There is no such thing as coincidence.)

What’s it mean?

You might be wondering, “I see the difference, but what the heck does this got to do with chronic knee pain?”

Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. You’ve heard that saying before, right? Makes sense. But if you focus on the fire, you arsonist running out of the back door and breaking for the woods.

Chronic knee pain is a global phenomenon, so you have to zoom out and see beyond the knee itself.

But before I do that, I want to tell you about who I am and how I know all of this.

My name is Anthony Mychal. I’ve written for some fitness magazines and websites, like T-Nation, Schwarzenegger.com, Greatist, Elite FTS, Onnit, and STACK.

Some of the articles I wrote were about knee pain. But I’m not here to tout my credentials. I’m here to show you something.

One of the questions I’m asked most: do your knees still make that noise? And I get asked this because back in 2009 I put a video on YouTube of my snapping, crackling, and popping knees.

I was Googling for answers. I was posting on forums. I had just about every chronic knee pain possible. Tendonitis. Jumper’s knee. Tracking problems.

Here’s the part where I’m supposed to smile and say, “And I haven’t had an knee problems since I’ve found this magical cream!” But that’s not true… I still struggle with knee pain because I ignored my initial tendonitis. I thought I could fight through the pain.

Pshhhh. Ain’t nothing gonna’ stop me from playing my sports and lifting. I’ll get through this pain. Yeahhh. Only the weak care about pain.

And then my tendonitis turned into tendonosis. In other words, my short-term inflammation became long-term tissue degeneration.

If you love your sports and activities, the goal is simple: keep playing. That’s why you play through pain. But when you play through pain you cause long term problems that put you out of the game.

You’re responsible for maintaining your vehicle.

The kicker in my story? It wasn’t like I totally ignored my pain. I followed most highly touted advice, like resting, popping pain pills, and icing. One doctor even told me that my knees would never be quite “right” ever again.

I’ve wasted over $100 in medical fees and supplies in less than one year just trying to feel somewhat healthy. That’s not mentioning the braces, creams, and supplements.

I even tried to train my way out of my pain with leg extensions and leg curls. If you’re in as deep as I was, you’ve probably also done your fair share of terminal knee extensions.

All of these things made my knee worse.

Nothing worked.

Until…

The moment everything changed. 

Is when I started to treat my knee as a victim, not a culprit. Your leg is made up of a ton of muscles and is controlled by three main joints: the hip, the knee, and the ankle. Anytime you move, force flows through these three joints. Up the chain, down the chain. The knee is the middle man.

So picture an assembly line. Three guys. You’re the middle guy. What happens when the guy to your right stops working? All his load gets thrown onto you. What happens when the guy to the left stops working? All the work you’re trying to do piles back up onto you.

There’s one equation you gotta’ remember. (Even if you hate math.)

Hips + Feet = Knees

And it just so happens that athletic ability follows a similar equation.

Hips + Feet = Athleticism

Remember those pictures from above? The body positioning? Stud athletes have similar body positions during exercises because they drive movement from similar muscles and structures. And those muscles and structures are also key in chronic knee pain.

Knee pain and athleticism.

If you have pain squatting (back squatting, front squatting, any kind of squatting), running, or jumping, you need to learn how to move more athletically.

This doesn’t just happen. You have to make it happen. You have to retrain your body. And this is what An Athlete’s Guide to Chronic Knee Pain is all about: a program designed to fix chronic knee pain that delivers a pleasant athletic side effect.

An Athlete’s Guide to Chronic Knee Pain is actually two programs smashed together.

The first is Theories and Solutions for Patellar Tendonitis, Jumper’s Knee, and Patellar Tracking Problems. It digs deeper into the relationship between the ankle, knee, and hip.

There is an eight week foundation program that builds muscle activation patterns and mobility with a specific selection of movements.

The goal is to kick muscles and movement patterns into gear that’ve long since been sleeping, and then build a ton of endurance to be able to maintain ability in those muscles forever and ever, no matter how fatigued you are.

The second is Increasing Strength and Explosiveness Through Barbell Exercises, Leaps, and Bounds. It transitions the newly found endurance and activation patterns into barbell exercise and athletic movement.

It builds positional awareness and correct activation patterns within those positions. It also teaches you how to absorb and propel force within those same positions. This second program is full of linked up videos to help you learn.

Both of these programs are crammed together. No dual fee. No leg extensions. No leg curls. No bed rest. Just a seriously comprehensive reconstruction of athletic and pain free lower body movement from the sand to the sky. 180 pages filled with information, pictures (exercises, stretches), and videos.

And some more bullet points because bullet points are cool:

It promotes lifelong change so that there is no regression in the rehabilitation

It constructs athletic movement so that your knees not only get better but your foundation for athleticism is enhanced

It includes a safe progression of exercises with little necessary equipment so you can do the training anywhere

It cures chronic knee pain so you can run amok, jump around like a wildebeest, or squat like a maniac

It relieves you of the mental anguish of being constantly down and out because of your chronic knee pain

It’s great for prehabilitation because it reworks movement to put less pressure on the knee=

Considering I bought Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo Switch for just about double the price of An Athlete’s Guide to Chronic Knee Pain, I’d call it a game of priorities.

$33

(P.S. You’ve spent more on video games or on a night out at the bar.)

So consider what your knees are worth to you. Seriously. Think about it. What does your knee let you do that you love doing? How does it feel not being able to do it?

When I was unable to move and trick and lift, I lost myself. Don’t lose yourself. Give your knees the care they need so that you can do whatever makes you feel alive. So that you can do the things you love doing — the things that form your identity as a person.

That expensive treadmill is nice…if you’re healthy enough to use it. That monthly gym membership? Those kettlebells and barbell you just bought? All nice. But only if you can use them.

Worried about online scum?

Don’t worry, you’re protected under my No Ass-to-Risk Guarantee. My No Ass-to-Risk Guarantee is in place to prevent you from being misled or mistreated from online business malpractice. Everything that others choose to hide within asterisks at the bottom of pages are stated below, in addition to who exactly this product isn’t for. It’s all in an effort to better serve you.

First, An Athlete’s Guide to Chronic Knee Pain  is a digital product. You buy, you download instantly. The file is readable by Adobe or any other PDF reader. No shipping fees, so you save some bucks.

Second, your satisfaction is my guarantee. You may return this product if it doesn’t meet your expectations. Anytime. Anyplace. Even if my retailers refund period has expired (my retailer is ClickBank and they have a 60 day refund policy), I’ll handle it in house.

Third, An Athlete’s Guide to Chronic Knee Pain is for those with chronic knee problems (tendonitis, tendonosis, tracking issues), that want a better understanding of how chronic knee problems are created, that are willing to work hard to conquer their pain, looking to learn how to put less stress.

It’s not for those with serious internal injuries (ligament damage, meniscus injuries), those not ready to put in time and effort to fix their problem, and those that aren’t ready to do progressive bodyweight exercises.

Fourth, you have to be ready to work. This program is demanding. I’m not here to baby you. I’m here to fix you, and there’s a hard dose of reality with this. You’ve been moving the wrong way for a long time. You have to hit this hard to fix it.

Fifth, in regard to typical results, I always give the same disclaimer with any digital product: one of two things will happen when you buy my products.

You buy it and never use it. You might even return it. Can’t help you if you don’t put into practice what’s inside.

You’ll get it, follow through with the plan, learn something new about yourself, and see the resultant knowledge shine through with improvements in your body or life.

But don’t listen to me. I think I’ve talked enough anyway.

Here are what other people say.

Jon Call (Jujimufu), Trickster

When I developed a knee tendinopathy by tricking, I spent the next two years googling for crumbs on anything I could find on the topic and experimenting with self therapy. Anytime I’d find something I’d wonder if it was really applicable to my own situation. Much later, I felt I had gathered something likening to puzzle pieces, and was able to put these together to see a puzzle image take form. While I can make out the image of knee problems more clearly today, Anthony’s eBook is the finished puzzle with a clear image formed. I hate him for having finished this puzzle after I had suffered my own knee problems! But I will forgive him, because I learned some really neat, and new knee tips in this book I didn’t know, and haven’t seen elsewhere!

Rasmus Ott, Trickster

Me and Anthony did some video correspondence about my jumpers knee and he gave me a lot of good exercises and stretching techniques. He provided a great push forward to having no major problems and these days I’m back to tricking on my left knee with no big problems. (Picture provided by: Nanna Ward.)

Simon Jacobsson

The orthopedist probably would have recommended another surgery. But without Anthony I would still be a lost little puppy just trying lots of things with half assed effort. Getting consultation from him (who I sincerely believe in and really look up to when it comes to this) really motivated me. Contacting him was the smartest thing I’ve done for my training!

Josh Beaty

I played college hoops at a small college and never had any injuries until I turned 30. I started having knee tracking issues 3 years ago after I got an athletic pubalgia injury while playing flag football. That was a very painful injury to my groin area. After that “healed” (resumed activity to early) I started getting pretty serious knee pain while playing basketball due to compensating from the hip injury. I had lost control of my hip and my knee was making up the difference. I also have a very significant anterior pelvic tilt which contributed to both injuries I’m sure.

Anyway, because of your info I am able to play basketball again pain-free and my knee has drastically improved. This knee tracking pain had been nagging me for over a year and it was very frustrating. I am not quite 100% yet in terms of strength and confidence but will get there. My goal is to completely eliminate discomfort and doubt in the knee and eventually dunk a basketball again.

Thanks so much. I have bought a lot of fitness and nutrition crap and your stuff is legit and truly improved my life.

Park Firebaugh

I tweeted that I loved your book before I had even finished it. Today, I viewed all the videos, completed it and I am stunned at how comprehensive and exhaustive this is. I can’t believe the knowledge you have at your age. You have covered every angle there is and intercepted all manner of backsliding and “executive decision” modifications that many will try to make. I would think it would have taken many years of observing personal sabotage to acquire this foresight. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I remember looking at your photo on T Nation and thinking, “What the fuck, he’s just a kid” However, it’s obvious from the methodical thought process and well crafted writing that you are wise beyond your years.

Jahed Momand

I just finished your book. I was having patellar tendon pain EVERY TIME I stood up from a chair. I’m now extending the hips similar to the way you described in your RDL chapter, and the pain has disappeared. I’m already impressed. Now to translate this to Olympic weightlifting…

Vaughan Carder

Just wanted to say the Athletes guide to chronic knee pain is an AWESOME resource & a must for anyone with legs! Can’t wait to implement this stuff to my own rehab of some banged up legs!

Questions, Answers

Q: Is this program for a beginner?

A: Yes, it can be used by someone that has no formal training. I will say that a background in barbell training is useful to pick up on the terminology, but it’s not life or death requirement.

Q: Is there an age requirement?

A: No, absolutely NONE. All exercises begin at bodyweight and are progressed in a sequence. There is NO heavy loading in the initial program, and the second book (that has heavy loading) is optional. The book, however, is written for athletes — so keep that in mind.

Q: How long is the program?

A: It lasts forever. Don’t think I’m kidding. The initial rehabilitation program is eight weeks long, but the principles you learn will carry with you for the rest of your life. This is one of the reasons behind the effectiveness of the program. The second half of the rehabilitation (strength part) takes places after.

Q: How often are the workouts?

A: Every day. Or five days per week. We’re reprogramming the body. It takes time and frequency. If you can’t handle this, then this product isn’t for you. I’ll say it again, if you’re not willing to put in the work, this system will not work for you.

Q: How long do the workouts take?

A: They shouldn’t take more than an hour and can be done in the convenience of your own home. The only equipment needed is an exercise band during the first eight weeks. After, a sequence of progressions is used with a barbell and those workouts will take longer. It’s the nature of the beast.

Q: Does this come in the mail?

A: Nope. Once your payment is received, an electronic copy of the book is sent to your e-mail address.

Q: Can I still do lower body exercises while on the program?

A: Sadly, no. Squatting and deadlifting will have to take a back seat for the duration of this program because we’re reprogramming the body. You can’t heal yourself if you continue to expose yourself to pain. The movements will be reintroduced gradually and sequentially.

Q: What separates you from everyone else?

A: I use a unique approach that focuses on every joint in the lower body, except the knee. I fully believe that the knee pain is a victim, not a culprit.

Q: What if the program doesn’t work for me?

A: Consider it free. I’m willing to put my reputation on the line. You pay for quality work, and if it isn’t up to your standards you’ll get a full refund. ClickBank handles all returns within 60 days of purchase. After that, I’ll handle returns “in-house.”

Q: I have some more questions. How do I get in touch with you?

A: Want to know something? Ask me: anthony /at/ anthonymychal dot com

Yours in health,

Anthony