#the town in peril its OKAY to have it be character specific. and its just so frustrating. why put the focus on all these beloved characters

[radiohostkevin]

Wtnv ep 250 spoilers:

The episode felt...shallow. They didn't explore the emotional ties between any of the characters, even when it was plot relevant. Tamika raised the Boy for a year and didn't even say goodbye or try to save him from Lauren. Carlos knew Kevin for a full decade and they didn't so much as speak to each other.

Then Carlos severed the portal between the Desert Otherworld and Night Vale just like that? Where is the emotional weight behind that decision? Even from a scientific standpoint, there's so much about the Desert Otherworld that we don't know, and that connection was just kinda casually cut. (Even though, as an aside, Desert Bluffs Too hasn't been a threat to Night Vale for years - decades, from their perspective - and so it feels hasty to cut off access to an entire town as a precaution.) It feels like that storyline might be done, and it's such wasted potential if so.

Speaking of wasted potential - Lauren's departure, and her lackluster interactions with Kevin. A few vaguely mean words, and she decides to leave? Why? We're not given any insight. Kevin and Lauren's vaguely antagonistic relationships was fantastic, and even that received little fanfare in the end.

This arc could have ended in so many different ways, and it was ultimately so unsatisfying.

[emmettkane]

Nameless Raiders Suck (In RPGS)

You know the ones I’m talking about, the random guys in a game that only exist for you to smash, stab, and shoot. “Raider”, “Marauder”, “Psycho”, “Bandit”. Who are they? Why are they here? What do they want? What do they have to do with the story?

The answer is ‘nothing’ most of the time, but why?

I like video games, particularly role-playing games and, if we want to get specific, CRPGS: Fallout, The Elder Scrolls, Rogue Trader, and other notable inclusions. To start though, I want to hone in on Fallout 3 and 4. I’ve played every entry in the series outside of one (shudders), and there is a specific issue that Bethesda just can’t seem to escape: The Nameless Raider.

The Problem

They just litter the place! Guys with no names and an endless supply of bad Halloween decorations! They shoot on sight and do all sorts of unspecified crimes when you aren't looking, so it's okay if you kill them!

“It’s a first person shooter, you need guys to shoot!” I hear you cry. Of course you do! Radioactive wildlife, feral ghouls, and malfunctioning robots all serve as suitable, ethically unambiguous targets. Other people, though?

The problem isn’t that it’s impossible for people to turn to irrational violence, but that Bethesda’s Fallout assumes that they will, and in massive numbers! It’s myopic: humans are no better than monsters, waiting for the slightest chance to break the shackles of civilization and visit sick torture on anyone stupid enough to step outside. They all do it in exactly the same way too, for some reason. It is a world fundamentally afraid of strangers and one uninterested in exploring what actually causes violence, or how to actually stop it.

Some people are evil.

Killing them is the solution.

That doesn’t just open a moral can-of-worms that Bethesda prevents the player from meaningfully interacting with, it also serves as a grand and embarrassing series of missed opportunities!

See, there'd be nothing wrong with this if these games weren't sandbox RPGs, where the goal is to create a believable and interesting world to get lost in.

Why don’t the raiders form proper gangs with names and recognizable cultures? That could really make the setting feel put together! Why don’t they try to rob people through intimidation, rather than jumping straight to murder? What a neat idea for an encounter! Could some of them offer their services as bodyguards or mercenaries? I bet a well-heeled, unscrupulous player character would enjoy having a couple genuine goons at their beck and call.

This problem is persistent in Bethesda titles (Skyrim’s bandits and Starfield’s space pirates), but also in other CRPGs. The Outer Worlds tries to make something of its unnamed marauders in the “Peril on Gorgon” DLC, but even the non-marauder ‘outlaws’ riddling the base game are decidedly lacking in purpose and definition.

The Why

Why do this? If it’s such a great opportunity, why do studios continuously manufacture unnecessarily sentient target dummies?

As simply as I can tell? It’s cheaper, it’s quicker, and it’s what the average player has come to expect. That is to say: most people will ignore it. That’s not good enough for me though, I think they can do better.

The Solution

Bethesda isn’t the only game in town when it comes to sandbox CRPGs, and some studios really work to justify their baddies!

Rogue Trader’s ‘Anver’ gang slots well into the ecosystem of their home station, Footfall, and the chaos cultists you fight throughout the game tend to be involved in larger plots, serving the strategies of your vile enemies (or allies, you filthy heretic).

The Great Khans of Fallout: New Vegas are united by a hatred of the NCR and a kick-ass biker aesthetic. The convicts in Primm are a splinter faction of the better-organized Powder Gangers, and even the small groups in the south, the Jackals and Vipers, are given gang names and spawn within defined territories.

Wasteland 3 delivers a cavalcade of bandit factions of varying sizes and complexities, but they are all named and granted a defined culture: The Dorseys, Los Payasos, The Gippers, The Godfishers, and more.

The How

That's a lot of examples, but how do they do it? There are many factors when it comes to defining a raider faction in a CRPG. Let's examine one in detail:

Fallout New Vegas, The Fiends.

Just to the west of Vegas proper live a group called The Fiends: too poor for the strip, too violent for Freeside, and too wild for The NCR. These dispossessed stragglers have clung together under a small number of tough, cold-hearted, and downright cruel leaders. Strength is power, and the only way for the members of this group to survive is to exercise that power by robbing travelers, stealing what they can, and killing what they can't. This is their uniting purpose, their shared history.

They fashion armor roughly out of whatever they can find, mostly old fabric, scraps of metal, and rubber. The aesthetic is unified by a cow-skull on the helm of each warrior meant to signify their brutality and indicate their belonging in the group. This is their uniting appearance.

Their fortresses are repurposed from the old world and decrepit, ill maintained. you won't find a fiend outside of their stronghold of vault 13 and a handful of outposts, plus the regions surrounding. This is their defined territory.

Combining these factors, (faction purpose, aesthetic, and territory) it becomes clear to a player when they are fighting fiends and when they aren't. Their crimes are known, their sins are tallied. Quests which take aim at The Fiends are unique from quests centered on other outlaw factions, and this clarity makes contact with The Fiends special. Crucially, this attention has been paid to every outlaw faction in the game, and you get a unique encounter no matter who you're fighting.

The end result is a world that lives and breathes. Even if you choose to play as a righteous justiciar who puts down marauder scum on-sight, never interfacing with these groups except at the barrel of a rifle, the subtle differences give weight to that decision. After all, who cares how callous or vengeful your character is when your targets are just that? Targets.

So What?

That's just it! Games like these, sandbox RPGs, thrive on having worlds you can fall into! The bigger story matters, the style is important, but the details are what create that sensation. Raiders can just be targets, most players won't consciously notice the wasted potential, but imagine if they weren't. Imagine getting out-played because you didn't realize you were up against a more elite gang, or winning out because you did your research and came prepared.

Imagine pitting two tougher groups against one another so that you could pick through the wreckage, or joining a weak gang to build it up into a real powerhouse. Imagine softening one group into upstanding mercenaries, or smashing them and driving them from their territory.

Imagine what these groups could be like, and then imagine making them that way.

---

Thank you for reading! If you liked this essay and want to get more of my thoughts, follow me on Tumblr or Ko-fi, or wherever else. and if you want a say in what I talk about next, join up as a Bunker Goblin for just a buck a month!

[erythristicbones]

OC Time! :3c

What is the relationship between two characters like and who's someone that comes and shakes that up?

OR! Alternatively (since I just had one I cant talk about yet) what's a big character or story breakthrough you've had recently? :0

Okay, since I'm working on revisions of my book EOTA today, I've got that story on the brain and I'm absolutely gonna talk about Kirsen!!! Specifically the relationship between Kirsen and Imogen, which gets touched on over a couple different chapters, but ultimately just can't be explored in-depth during the book itself. Also......this is gonna get long, fair warning AKDHDKFJDK

So, to start it all off: At the start of EOTA, it's only been a handful of months since Kirsen and Imogen ended their 1-2yr relationship. I think in the original draft I put a hard number on it, something like 6 months since they broke up? But I think it'll read better if I leave the period more up to interruptation. Anyways, the point is that Kirsen is someone who grows very, very attached to people and things are left unresolved.

Because it says from the get-go, from the very moment their past relationship is mentioned, that Kirsen and Imogen didn't break up because they stopped loving one another. In fact, they still have very strong feelings for one another. It's just that they recognized that they simply couldn't provide what the other needed and deserved in a relationship.

Imogen's aging mother is essentially the person in charge of their town, Pointes. She runs everything and keeps the town safe and functional. While she could have chosen anyone to take her place, she raised Imogen with the idea that she was going to inherit the position. This is the culmination of her entire life so far and really, Imogen does very much want the position.

Kirsen is someone who...well, there's several parts of her personality that come together in an unfortunate way. She was raised with a hunter's disposition; she needs to be out, she needs to be moving, she needs a job, she needs a prey. And unfortunately, Kirsen has a lot of trauma that she has been desperately trying to avoid acknowledging her entire life. If she stays in one place too long, she can't have a constant distraction, she can't hide her bad days from the people there, and she risks people trying to force her to acknowledge it.

Imogen needs a partner who will be there by her side, who will be the support she needs while she takes on a very taxing, pivotal role. Kirsen needs a partner who will be willing to travel with her, who will recognize her need to run and be there to pick up the pieces when everything does catch up to them. And no matter how hard they try, they are both intimately aware that they cannot provide those things for one another.

Ultimately, I think they both recognize this and yet cling to the hope that something in their lives will change and, magically, all of their differences will disappear and they will be able to live together happily.

[Enter Lucida] :)

Kirsen is now having to work with Lucida to save the world. It provides a great distraction from her struggles with Imogen- except that Kirsen thinks Lucida is attractive and falling for the person you're going on a perilous quest with is not exactly the brightest move. So now she's juggling feelings for two different people and knowing fully well that neither situation is ideal for her currently.

And there are specific scenes where Kirsen is clearly leaning into her attraction to Lucida so she can forget about Imogen, only to then have specific scenes where she (for instance) makes out with Imogen bc "surely this will absolutely help me not fall for Lucida and have no emotional repercussions at all".

Its- at the end of the day I think the three of them have such interesting dynamics with one another (and that's not even touching on Imogen/Lucida being weirdly passive aggressive and jealous of one another bc they both ALSO like Kirsen)and I can only scratch the surface of it in the book itself, bc technically the romance plays second fiddle to the Saving The World Shit ya know? I could write essays on these three idiots, I love them

[wolf-zer0]

Ya want some WORLD-BUILDING????

Have some world-building!

*REMINDER* This is based on characters, not real people.  I’m not going to be writing any shipping/smut content, especially involving minors.  Please be respectful of content creators’ boundaries!

The Crystallos Empire (AKA the Antarctic Empire)

Largest the countries (takes up most of the southern half of the map) but agreed to stop expansion after a bloody battle with Valeriana 

Centered on a large snowy mountain in the middle of the tundra 

Mostly stays out of other countries’ business, but will step in as a last resort 

Has some of the most well-known citizens in the world because… they’re pure chaos 

Attack at your own peril 

Has vast deposits of ores and gemstones, and the metalwork from Crystallos (mainly weaponry, armor, and jewelry) is highly sought after 

The only known food export is potatoes.  Wonder why… 

Associated Colors: Royal blue, light blue, crimson, gold 

Aesthetic/Vibes: gothic vibes, white stone and large stain glass windows, not particularly opulent or extravagant but still impressively royal looking, think catholic cathedral but brighter and with less Jesus (can you tell I’m a recovering catholic yet?), spires shooting into the sky that’s visible even during a blizzard, cavernous halls full of sunlight and echoes, snow that can comfort and kill in equal measure

Notable Members:

Philza Minecraft:

Angel

Visible wings look like a harpy eagle

Probably the most powerful person in the world

Didn’t mean to start an empire it kinda just happened

Also didn’t mean to adopt kids but his Dadza alarm went off

Usually kind but will not hesitate to use violence when necessary

Technoblade: 

Is pig.  

With braid.  

At least 8 feet all

Extremely adept fighter, skilled in almost every form of combat.  

Not a people pig, prefers his potato farm to being a prince

Hella protective of his family but will not hesitate to bully when given the opportunity

Wilbur Soot: 

Muse who can influence people through song

Can’t totally control people (yet) but can subtly push them in a certain direction

The public face of the imperial family

Would rather insult than fight but can and will cut a bitch if he needs to

Because inspiration is fickle he’ll have some … strange episodes (see: the Sand Incident)

Tommy Innit: 

Child.  

Chaos incarnate.

Is he human?  Is he not?  No one’s sure yet.  

But he’s a gremlin and a hellion and willing to throw down at any moment.  

Has a surprisingly caring side, but no one outside his immediate circle has ever really seen it.  

The Kingdom of Valeriana (aka Dream SMP)

Oldest of the countries 

Located in the middle of a massive forest at the center of the main continent 

Home of the Fae Courts

Ruled by a single king who is chosen by a tournament held every 100 years 

Known for causing chaos in other countries, but after an Incident with Crystallos they have kept their meddling to annoyances rather than outright declarations of war 

Considered the most magical of all the countries, and traditional enchantments almost all come from Valeriana 

Associated Colors: neon green (duh), bright yellow, forest green, light brown, blood red (more saturated than Crystallos), rose gold 

Aesthetic/Vibes: spooky art nouveau (idk what else to call it), lots of plants and nature but with an edge of danger, poison gardens and carnivorous plants, hedge mazes that lead everywhere and nowhere, laughter deep in the forest, deer with eyes just a hair too human, Alice in Wonderland on steroids 

Notable Members: 

Dream: 

Current king of the Fae

As long as he’s touching the ground, he knows where everything and everyone is

Can terraform

Unlimited in the boundaries of his kingdom

Much more limited outside of his realm

No one has ever seen what he really looks like, even before he took the throne

Since people outside the kingdom don’t know who he is, he’ll wander the outside world and challenge random people to fights

Never says what happens to the losers

Only one person has ever beaten him: Technoblade

He might have a lil obsession around Techno, but it’s fine.  

A little competition is healthy.

Sapnap:  

High Lord of the Summer Court

Dream’s right hand man

Likes fire a little too much probably

George: 

Human that Dream took a liking too and yoinked from the mortal world

Dream and Sapnap made him immortal but he hasn’t realized it yet.  

Skeppy: 

Changeling who started growing diamond-like scales across his body

Is vaguely allied with Dream simply because he’s Fae, but is more loyal to BBH

Like a lot of other Fae, likes to make challenges but he makes them less deadly.  Not totally safe, just less deadly.

Badboyhalo: 

Demon who was kicked out of hell because he was too nice

Found Skeppy in the Overworld and the rest is history

Cursed by the Demon King that the moment he says a swear word, the entire world would end, but can never tell anyone that he is cursed

The Merchant’s Guild

Not quite a country, more of a international power 

Oversees the largest and most important businesses in the world 

Makes sure that no laws are broken between different countries and everyone gets a fair shake 

Has a very large reach, so some members have dabbled in espionage for various groups 

From the outside it looks like the whole thing is kept together with duct tape and hope, but its actually pretty functional

The main members are just… a lot. 

More concerned with keeping things working than influencing other nations (although there are still jokes about it) 

The most valuable thing they trade in is information

They have a lot of fingers in a lot of pots, but are trusted with their information 

Associated Colors: dark blue, teal, deep yellow, burnt orange, copper

Aesthetic/Vibes: art deco babie, angles and lines, very modern and streamlined, sleek suits instead of armor or robes, whiskey in a crystal glass, wars won by words not weapons, knowing when someone’s lying without them saying a word

Notable Members:

Schlatt: 

Ram-man with a plan

Not that bad of a dude, but is in a position where he is constantly in possession of highly sensitive information and that does things to someone’s mental state

Drinks pretty regularly but not a full blown alcoholic

Trying his best

Can be a snarky asshole sometimes

Quackity: 

Lucky duck.  literally.  

Duck man with an uncanny ability to absorb good luck from people (typically Fundy) and apply it to himself

No one knows when or why he joined the guild, but now he’s there

Pretty damn smart, but hides it behind humor

Fundy: 

FOX!  

With BEANS!

Trying his goddamn best but life (and Quackity) make it very difficult

Usually is stuck with the shit end of the stick when getting jobs/contracts/etc. 

Wilbur being his dad is an inside joke that’s gotten a life of its own.  

(No Fishfuckers Allowed!!!)

Puffy: 

Badass sheep lady who captains a ship and commands her own armada

Schlatt’s sister

Also part of Storm’s Landing’s council and acts as the main liaison between them 

Do not fuck with her she will kick your ass.

Storm’s Landing

Port city that became a country after becoming a safe-haven for seafarers

Led by a council of important people, with the head of the council known as the Admiral 

Closest ties to Crystallos and the Merchant’s guild because: 

1) Clingy supremacy!!!!

2) it’s a good idea for a guild to have good ties with a large sea power

3) all the dads for Tubbo

Associated Colors: navy blue, scarlet, white, brass 

Aesthetic/Vibes: Nautical (obviously) with heavy “Age of Exploration” vibes, barnacles crusted on treasure chests, think tall ships and pirates and shit, respecting the ocean because holy shit she’s gonna smash your boat to pieces on a whim because she can, has an edge of darkness because when you go deep enough who knows what you’ll find down there (maybe mermaids???) 

Notable Members:

CaptainSparklez: 

elected to Admiral after the previous Admiral went missing on a routine voyage 

(idk who it used to be, I just wanted to make him new at leading)

not 100% sure about the whole thing, but handling it pretty okay

still answers to “Captain” instead of “Admiral”.  

Niki:

If Storm’s Landing had a queen, would be it unquestionably

Never gets robbed even though there’s a well known “underbelly” in town

Could probably end wars with her croissants

Has a significant history of empathic abilities in her family, so she can tell how people are feeling at all times

Eret: 

Owns a magic store in town that really only shows itself to people who need it.  

Having a bad mental health day?  

He’s got a warm blanket and a cup of your favorite warm beverage waiting.  

Dysphoric?  

She’s got the perfect outfit and affirming words already prepared.  

Trying to find that specific book but can’t remember the title or plot, only vaguely know the color of the cover?  

They’ve got it.  

Ranboo:  

Not sure why he decided to move to a seaside city when he’s not chill with water, but now he’s here and he’s too anxious to leave

Known for teleporting around town randomly when nervous, and the people who find him are always willing to let a hand if he gets lost

Tubbo: 

This boi!  Has so many dads!  

Epitome of “Kindness does not equal weakness.”  

While a lot of people underestimate him, he’s not some fragile little flower

He hasn’t fully grown into his ability to speak to animals (he can only understand bees right now)

He’s just as much of a shit stirrer as Tommy.  

When they meet up, look out.  Something’s getting destroyed.

The Astral Academy

An independent university focused on advancing knowledge in the arcane arts and engineering 

Not a country, but has the political power of one due to their vast resources and building prowess 

People can’t enter unless they are invited or have been given entry as a student 

There are a bunch of potential doors scattered around the continent that could lead to the Academy, but no one is sure where the real entrance is 

Associated Colors: royal purple, lilac, sepia, sky blue, silver, bronze Aesthetic/Vibes: bright academia, massive libraries with bookshelves stuffed to bursting, workshop benches covered in scrap and prototypes, open air observatories, runes waiting to be translated, the crackling energy that comes from successful collaboration, falling down a research rabbit hole, bursting with pride after a project is a success

Notable Members: 

Sam

Purpled

Ponk

Punz

Antfrost

Jack Manifold

I don’t know much about these characters, so if you have any ideas please let me know!

Zero’s OC Land - The North Haven

Smallest and newest country 

Recently gained independence from under a cruel dictator (not schlatt lol)

Located in a pine forest at the base of a huge mountain range 

Has pretty good relations with the other countries, but outsiders don’t know much about them 

Main exports are wood carvings and leather goods 

Associated Colors: Maroon, dark brown, black, pewter 

Aesthetic/Vibes: medieval but with a modern twist, dark wood lit by a roaring fireplace, snow-covered woods without a living soul in sight, half timber houses and detailed wood carving, no outrageous ornamentation or extravagance 

Notable Members:

Tyr: 

Lord of the North Haven

trying to keep his people safe and protected

one of the few remaining Spirits (higher in power than the Fae, but lower than angels)

Spirit of Justice

lost a hand in the war for North Haven’s independence

didn’t want to become the leader but does a pretty good job at it

Adopted 5 kids and is trying his best

Bragi: 

Heir Apparent

24 year old human

can influence the world by speaking (not singing) but has to be careful about which words he uses

has a book full of phrases that have proven effects (a spellbook of sorts)

has a friendly rivalry with Wilbur

Freya: 

Spymaster

actually the oldest but abdicated because she feels she’s not the right person to lead a country

age unknown because she’s the last known [REDACTED] (it’ll be revealed, but I wanna build suspense)

has gyrfalcon wings and heightened senses

chronic insomniac

Forseti: 

Official Librarian

20 years old

hybrid with an unknown entity

has black fingers with sharp claws

always wears gloves to hide them

can create portals to places he’s been or to people he knows (the second is much riskier, but not impossible)

knowledge sponge

wants to join the Astral Academy but is too nervous to apply

Odin: 

Older Twin

The “Sensible One”

17 years old

Has an uncanny sense of direction

Can’t get lost no matter what

Can manipulate magnetic fields

Loki:

Younger Twin

The “Hot Headed One”

17 years old

can manipulate fire

idolizes his older siblings, particularly Freya

The Institute

Creeping around in the background

Up to bad things

Something’s going on in the world, but no one’s noticed yet

They will though… soon

Aesthetic/Vibes: minimalism (the worst kind of vibes imo), think laboratories or empty hospitals, harsh artificial lights and cold floors, labyrinths of monotonous hallways with no doors

[mst3kproject]

The Strange World of Planet X

The Strange World of Planet X, also known as Cosmic Monsters, was released on a double bill with The Crawling Eye and stars Forrest Tucker of the same.  It’s got a giant spider and a deep-voiced 50’s narrator droning about the terrors of the atomic age, in a film so dry all my plants shriveled up and my contact lenses adhered to my eyeballs.

Mad Dr. Laird, with the help of his assistants Gil and Michele, is baking things in intense magnetic fields in order to rearrange the molecules and turn metal into putty – the general idea is that someday this will allow them to melt enemy planes right out from under their pilots. Would that melt the pilots, too? Gross.  At the same time and perhaps related, flying saucers are being sighted over Britain and a mysterious man named Mr. Smith is wandering around in the woods and getting worryingly chummy with local children.  After a lot of standing around and talking, Smith reveals that he is from outer space and has come to warn us that Laird’s magnetic fields are tearing apart the Earth’s ionosphere, letting in cosmic rays that will mutate humans into murderers and insects into giants!

Since my last ETNW was fairly well-paced and entertaining, the law of averages tells us that this one’s gonna be a real turd, and sure enough… remember all my griping about how Radar Secret Service was literally unwatchable, as in I could not force myself to keep looking at it?  The Strange World of Planet X is like that but with a British accent.  Most of it is just ugly gray people in ugly gray rooms, droning on about whatever at far greater length than necessary.  Everybody sounds like they’re reading their lines off cue cards, the photography was awful to begin with and the degraded print makes it really hard to tell what the hell is going on. Fuck this movie.

The film’s general insufferability is made all the worse because normally giant bug movies are among my favourite types of crappy old sci fi.  What could possibly be more fun than giant grasshoppers crawling all over postcards of Chicago?  If the bug bits were fun, that would go a long way towards saving this one, but of course, they’re terrible.  It’s mostly too dark to even see the giant insects, and when we do see them, they’re nothing but close-ups of live (and sometimes dead) roaches and grasshoppers.  Only a couple of shots even attempt to composite them in with live actors and those are so dark and blurry that it frankly wasn’t worth the effort.

The other main ‘effect’ in the movie is a couple of flying saucers.  These are unidentifiable white blobs when far away, and ridiculous tinfoil models dangling from strings up close.  The pie pans in Plan 9 from Outer Space are worse… but not by much.

What should be the most exciting part of the film is the battle in the woods between the soldiers and the giant bugs, but it’s mishandled in the same sort of way as the supposedly climactic fight in Invasion of the Neptune Men.  There’s no narrative or any characters we care about – just soldiers running around shooting at things.  Where are they?  How close are they to the town?  Are there civilians in peril?  We don’t know.  To be effective on screen, a battle needs a story.  The battle in Army of Darkness is about the need to protect the Necronomicon.  We can see the Deadites getting closer to the tower, as Ash pulls out more and more ridiculous secret weapons to keep them back.  The Strange World of Planet X is just random people and bugs, not even in the same shot.

There is some half-decent magnetosphere science in the movie, I guess.  The Earth’s magnetic field does protect us from the harsh radiation of outer space, although all the most harmful components of that come from the sun rather than from further afield, and such radiation can damage DNA.  This is why the ozone layer was such a big deal in the 80’s. This space radiation is much more likely to give bugs cancer than to make them grow huge, but in a movie I can handle that.  The really weird thing here is that, because they say it screens out the heaviest of the cosmic rays, they call the ionosphere the ‘heavyside layer’.  I would not have thought it possible that Cats could make less sense and yet here we are.

If you want some proper Crap Movie Science, there’s their explanation of how the monsters grew so big – mutations for size were able to pile up quickly because insects breed fast and therefore evolve fast.  I guess this makes more sense than individuals growing out of control as a result of whatever… but they appear to have applied it to a whole range of creatures regardless of their actual life cycles. Some insects do breed quickly, but quite a few of them have specific seasons and conditions for it.  This feels like a nitpick, though… I mean, by watching a giant bug movie I’ve already accepted that they can become huge so I should probably just shut up.

As an interesting note, Smith mentions that on his home planet there are giant dragonflies.  He doesn’t say how giant, though he implies they’re big enough to ride on. Firstly, man, I wanna ride a giant dragonfly!  Second, this tells us that Smith’s home planet has more oxygen in its atmosphere than Earth, because the reason insects can’t get bigger than they do is because they don’t actively breathe, but have to let oxygen diffuse into their tissues on its own (this is why there were six foot millipedes during the Carboniferous era — more oxygen in the air). The writers, sadly, do not seem to have known or cared about this, since Smith himself shows no signs of having to adjust to our atmosphere.  Missed opportunity there.

Since this is me, of course I’m gonna talk about how the movie treats women. Click the back button now. There are several female characters in The Strange World of Planet X, and while they're pretty bland they do manage to have conversations with each other about things besides men, and the honest impression I get is that the writers are trying really hard not to be assholes.  The first woman we meet is Michele, who has been assigned as Dr. Laird’s new computer operator after the previous one was electrocuted in a lab accident.  When he learns that the replacement is a woman, Laird complains about it loudly, protesting that ‘this is skilled work!’, and Gil gripes that female scientists are dour and unattractive.  Michele, of course, proves them both wrong – she is both brilliant and pretty, the latter mostly so that she can be Gil’s love interest but also at least in part to shatter the stereotype. It's thanks to movies like this setting the precedent that modern films are up to their eyeballs in hot but useless science women… but like I said, they tried.

The script is actually at great pains to emphasize that Michele is intelligent, educated, and the equal of any of the men, at least where science is concerned. Unfortunately, its way of going about it is to have them praise her for every little thing she says and does, to the point where it starts to sound awfully patronizing.  They call her ‘clever girl’ like she’s six years old and it frequently comes across as their complimenting her intelligence in order to deflect when she asks awkward questions.

Naturally there’s a love triangle in this movie.  It appears only to be immediately and peacefully resolved, and Gil’s rival for Michele’s affections is dead shortly thereafter. Why fucking bother?

A tad better-treated is Jane, the little girl fascinated by arthropods (she describes them as ‘bugs’, saying all insects are bugs, but not all bugs are insects.  While entomologically incorrect, this same definition of bug was used by David Attenborough in Micro Monsters, so I’m okay with it).  One of the reasons I think the writers were earnestly trying to be feminist is because they place a girl in this role rather than a boy.  Susan Redway isn’t any better than any of the other actors, but the character was definitely written by somebody who knew what appeals to children.  I love the bit where Jane promises to show her new teacher her favourite type of beetle, delightedly informing her, “they’re horrid-looking!”

The teacher, Miss Forsyth, is another attempt to buck a stereotype. Jane complains that she hated her previous teacher, who was appalled by her interest in crawly things.  Miss Forsythe makes a good first impression by encouraging her instead.  Again, this feels like the writers really were trying.  They want to say that the right thing to do here is to support Jane’s interests and ambitions, and someday perhaps she’ll be a talented entomologist, just as Michele is a computer whiz.

From a twenty-first century point of view, this makes for an odd contrast with one of the other notable features of how women are portrayed in this movie – they don’t come alone.  Adult women in The Strange World of Planet X must have a male partner, and if they don’t start out with one they will be assigned one! Michele pairs up with Gil, and Miss Forsythe accepts a date with the man who saved her from one of the mutants.  This second budding relationship has no effect on the story and indeed is never referenced again, it’s just there.  All the other women we meet are either dating or married… although now that I think of it this may be less sexist than it is a way to make a point of Dr. Laird’s single-minded obsession with his work. Everybody else, even scientists, has time to be a human being – but not him.

I should also discuss one more interesting tidbit offered by Smith. He says his people have been watching humanity and studying us basically since we invented ourselves, and they have never interfered before now.  Why now? Out of ‘enlightened self-interest’, he says – this is the closest humans have yet come to destroying ourselves, but it’s also the closest we’ve come to being a threat to our extraterrestrial observers.  One of Dr. Laird’s experiments, intended to destroy enemy planes, brought down a flying saucer instead!  The fact that Smith is willing to admit this suggests that he is extremely confident about the aliens’ ability to strike back if humanity should decided to start shooting down saucers on purpose.  The finale then bears this out… although it also left me thinking that the film could have ended very differently if only hacking had been a thing in the fifties!

So yet another instance of good ideas, unexplored and badly executed.  Also yet another black and white movie… what is that, six in a row?  Yikes.  See you in ten days, when I promise I will have something for you in colour.  It’ll be like slogging through the beginning of Season Eight and then finally arriving at The Giant Spider Invasion!

[sineala]

Avengers: The Man Who Stole Tomorrow

Now we come to the 1970s Marvel Comics prose novel that I was most excited to read -- Avengers: The Man Who Stole Tomorrow by David Michelinie. If you're familiar with the comics you can probably guess why I was excited, which is because, unlike all the other authors of these books, Michelinie was an actual writer at Marvel at the time he was writing this. He's probably most famous for his two Iron Man runs with Bob Layton -- the first of which was already ongoing in 1979 when this book was released -- but he also wrote actual Avengers issues during this time period. He didn't have a continuous run but he did about 25 issues total.

So I was really looking forward to this one, because I figured that, surely, if anyone could write a good Avengers novel it was going to be the guy who was literally writing actual Avengers comic books at the same time. And furthermore, I figured, given how beloved his Iron Man run is (Doomquest! Demon in a Bottle!), I might luck out and get some really good Tony characterization.

(I should say right now that if you're reading this hoping for Steve/Tony, there really isn't any. Sorry. I think they might exchange a couple words in the middle of an action scene at some point, but it's very sweet that they appear together on one of the chapter header images. That's about it.)

What I found was... complicated.

Michelinie isn't a bad writer, exactly. He's written some amazing comics, and he's very good at the banter here. He's not so great at writing prose and there is a lot of unnecessary exposition (like, there are three paragraphs about how Tony's repulsors work before he fires them the first time, which really slows down the action scene) and so many epithets, oh my God, so many epithets. So, I mean, he's not really a great novelist, but I have read a lot worse, and he's good at making the Avengers feel like the Avengers, which is what I wanted.

The problem here is everything else.

I know I haven't usually bothered going through the plots of these novels in a lot of detail because I've been reading them for character rather than for plot, but this is a very plot-motivated book. And so I think I'd really better summarize this whole thing, because it's basically two books shoved together. The first book is basically everything I wanted this book to be -- tense, dramatic, anchored in canon with a nice deep dive into canonical history that actually works, and it had me very, very excited to read the second half. I was really loving where this plot was going.

The second half of this book is where this book proceeds to go completely fucking off the rails.

Let me explain.

Okay. So the Avengers team these days is Tony, Steve, Thor, Vision, Wanda, Pietro, and Beast. We open with some team bonding in Avengers Mansion, a lot of exposition about who everyone is, Tony's secret identity, how Pietro still hates that Wanda and Vision are married, how Beast is a ladies' man and will crack jokes at every available opportunity. You get the idea.

They then decide to start the debriefing about their most recent mission. They are taping the debriefing, which is relevant because they are interrupted by a guy who shows up, calling himself Aningan Kenojuak, and he summons a magic bright green polar bear, knocks out all the Avengers, steals Steve, and disappears. When the Avengers wake up they conclude he is an "Eskimo shaman" who is probably from Alaska (okay, yes, there is some race fail here, but there is a reason that this specific guy is what he is, because this is one of those things that's gonna come up when you're dealing with Silver Age comics) and when they review the tapes (that recorded the whole thing) they hear him talking about someone "wing-footed."

So you remember how, in Avengers #4, there was that whole thing where Namor finds "an isolated tribe of Eskimos" who are bowing down and worshipping the frozen body of Captain America (not visible as Captain America at the time) as a god and Namor gets mad about that and throws the whole iceberg into the ocean and that's where Steve is when the Avengers find him?

So this Kenojuak, it turns out, was the guy who found Steve in the ice, and he really wants his god back, so he uses his magic String of Stones -- touching his string was also what summoned his magic polar bear -- to cover Steve in ice again. So now he has him here in Alaska covered in ice. Yep. Captain America has gotten iced again. Imagine how he must feel.

Meanwhile, Tony and Vision go to Atlantis to see Namor, who admits that maybe once upon a time he might have done something like that to a body he found, but what's it to you, land-dwellers? Also, fuck off. That's when Kenojuak comes to Atlantis and attacks Namor with his polar bear. They fight him off, he retreats to Alaska, and Namor agrees to help out. I guess he cares about Steve too.

We have some fun team banter on the Quinjet as Beast insists on playing Devo, while Pietro is no fun and would prefer some nice classical music, like Dvorak's New World Symphony. (The lyrics to Devo's "Jocko Homo" appear to be quoted without permission.)

Anyway. Kenojuak gets back to Alaska, hauls the Capsicle out of his igloo and goes looking for his village -- I guess it's been a few years since he's been home -- which has apparently been destroyed by a pipeline and replaced by a town and this makes him very angry and he's going to use his magic to destroy it. The Avengers show up and stop him, earning the gratitude of the town's residents, and they finally get Steve back.

This is when they find out that Steve... isn't melting. Uh oh.

Kenojuak, defeated, hands over his magic String of Stones to the Avengers, at which point they find out that it is not in fact magic but Sufficiently Advanced Technology. The Blue Totem gave it to him, he says, to accomplish his task. Can he describe the Blue Totem? Sure, he had a blue face and he wore purple and green and the Avengers are starting to have a really, really bad feeling about this because...

It's Kang. It's obviously Kang the Conqueror.

So what they have to do now is find Kang -- an explanation of who Kang is that is actually pretty comprehensible then follows -- and get him to unfreeze Steve, and the problem with finding Kang is of course that he could be anywhere in time.

So at this point in the book I was very excited. I mean, Steve's in peril! We have this fun plot thread linked to his actual canonical history! The Avengers are going to have to travel through time and save him from Kang! It's going to be just as dramatic and amazing and make me feel all the feelings as the Avengers strive to save Captain America!

I regret to inform you that this, alas, is where this book gets really fucking weird.

Beast picks up Steve's frozen body -- he'll be the one holding onto Steve here, pretty much -- and the team gathers together and apparently Thor can just time-travel by swinging Mjolnir around over their heads? Was anyone going to tell me this or was I supposed to find it out for myself?

Anyway, they end up in the year 3900, on an Earth where everything seems to be made of plastic (even the grass) and the first guy they meet is jealous of Beast for having so much fur and jealous of Tony for having so much metal. Everyone has stupid future slang. They are apparently all in some kind of theme park for humanity, and this guy is happy to point the way to Kang, who lives in a giant building with his name on the side. That was easy.

The building is basically a maze, and Beast gets split from the main team twice, and the second time they don't even bother going looking for him, even though he is the guy carrying Steve. It's a little weird. But they all make it to Kang's HQ just fine; Beast comes in through a service door because apparently he asked directions? It is really weird.

And Kang is all too happy to help them. He explains that he basically just gave Kenojuak the technology for the lulz once he found out what the guy wanted to do and he figured there was no way he was going to manage to ice Captain America. So the Avengers ask him to please bring Cap back and he does and Steve is perfectly fine.

So, you know... so much for narrative tension.

They leave Kang's HQ and are hanging out in the theme park, about to go home, and they're talking about how that was all too easy... when a Tyrannosaurus Rex attacks them.

Yeah.

The Avengers save everyone from the dinosaur but not before the nearby Richard M. Nixon Memorial Massage Parlor nearby -- look, I said this book was fucking weird -- is destroyed and its angry owner comes running out and she is a sexy, scantily clad woman, which the book makes sure to tell us. She is happy to tell them that they all agreed to live here under Kang's rule because otherwise he would destroy them because his plan... is to rule all of history!

I have no conceivable idea why this should come as a shock to the Avengers because it is pretty much the only thing Kang has ever wanted (except for the times he wants to try to kill one of his selves).

Nonetheless, the Avengers are shocked! And they realize that Kang only let them get away so easily because it was a trap! And now they have to go back and actually fight Kang! But first the rest of the team has to tell Beast he can't have a quickie with the massage parlor owner before they fight Kang. Yes, really. I had to read this with my own two eyes.

Anyway, they fight their way back to Kang and it is a lot tougher this time because they are dodging, among other things, pterosaurs and Messerschmitts (did you know that one model had a jet engine? I did not know this!), but Steve is good at tactics and the Avengers are all good fighters. This time when they make it back to Kang, he just says he can open time portals to anywhere and send them through and kill them all. Except he's not gonna kill Beast because Beast is blue and I guess Kang likes that in a guy.

So it's a good thing he's not going to kill Beast because while the Avengers are distracted with the time portals fighting samurai or whatever, Beast creeps around, figures out all the portal controls, eventually traps Kang, and then scatters him across, like, seventeen time portals so he's not going to be a threat any time soon. So that's how Beast saves the Avengers from Kang in, like, one page.

Anyway. All the Avengers go home and live happily ever after, except Steve, who feels guilty for letting down that one guy who thought he was a god so he's gonna go hang out in Alaska for a bit and talk to him.

So I think you can see why I'm kind of conflicted about this book -- I loved the first half (modulo the Silver Age racism) and thought it was going places and I was really excited about this dramatic story of the Avengers rescuing Captain America and then the second half was... I don't even know how to describe it. It was like they were two different books, and the first one was a four or five star book and the second one was, like... one. The characters were good, though, I guess. I just... what the fuck. I don't even know what I just read.

I also feel like fandom would be able to do a lot better than this -- like, "Steve is frozen and stolen by Kang the Conqueror" would be a great prompt and would make for some great stories and none of them would be this one. I feel like if this had been a comic and more people had read it we would have a dozen AUs. I just wanted... angst and feelings, I guess.

Of all these books so far, it's the one I paid the most for, and I'm not sorry I bought it, but I also definitely don't think it's worth the prices it's going for on the used market, because the actual plot is... really a letdown. Given Michelinie's comics work, I was expecting a lot more from this. I think I'd rec the Iron Man book, and then the Cap book, and then this. (I also have the Doctor Strange one, if anyone wants me to read and review that.)

But, hey, it does have a great title.

[yoshimickster]

RWBY Volume 5 Ep 1 Recap(plus shorts)-HERE WE GO(spoilers)!

Shorts will be recapped in a few sentences cos...well they short.

Weiss flashes back to her sister Winter foreshadowing that the’s next to die while sitting on a train. SORRY WINTER QROW SHIPPERS-her time is nigh.

Blake flashes back to her friend explaining why she fights for civil rights when she passes for whit-I MEAN-human! Yup, human, ALL while failing at an attempt to stop Adam “I love teenagers” Taurus’ plans.

And Yang flashes back to the time her and her sister were almost killed by a bear because Ruby couldn’t do dick without a weapon at the time-RIGHT BEFORE-ironically saying she’ll always be by her side...ALL while riding a motorcycle aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelf!

Basically three sad flashbacks-THERE YA GO!

The episode starts out SWINGING with team RNJR criticizing the show’s logic of having them walk all the way to Mistral, and joking about how Qrow almost died. HAHA death.

1:04 We are then treated to what only looks like rejected character and background designs to Legend of Korra and/or Avatar the last Airbender! Don’t get me wrong, nice drawings, but don’t they have the budget to freaking animate crowds anymore?

1:33 Qrow gives brief Mistral backstory right before-SURPRISE AIRPLANE MOTHER FUCKERS! You are shocked, do not lie.

1:44 Weiss has WITTY banter with the airship pilot of cargo ship three-THE FIGHTIN’ TRES-where Weiss hears a cry for peril which the pilot ignores...kinda...kinda dark.

3:07 We are then treated to the city, where...no-one is anywhere...throughout the whole town...you know you can only use Grimm attacks to not animate crowds in large spaces for SO long Rooster Teeth.

3:56

Nora: Maybe try...LOUDER?!

Damn Nora, when you get sassy?

Thankfully Qrow points out how it makes no sense that there are no CGI models running around-AND SPRING INTO ACTION!  

4:31 They close in on a door and find-SOME OLD MAN THEY MAKE FAINT...FAKE OUT! Next thing you’ll tell me is that his name is Spencer Pokensensen and that he’s a servant of the courts.

4:50 As for what HORRIFYING event caused him to not greet them at the gate it turns out...HE FORGOT...are all headmasters incompetent? Ozpin didn’t see team MEAN until they struck, and this guy is forgetting meetings, what the hell?

5:05 Team RNJR introduces themselves all saying there names as if fans forgot-OR-for those weirdos who start a show in its fifth season. Yeah I know you exist-AND YOU’RE SCUM!

5:12 The new Headmaster’s name is....Leonardo Lionheart...I don’t have a joke for that, that just sounds AWESOME!

5:36 Qrow reveals he told the team about the ancient mystical glow orbs of destiny, and Nora does her perfect impression of every fandom ever:

“...SO-is this not going how anyone thought it would?”

But enough about that-

5:53

Ghira: UNBELIEVABLE!

Sun: TOTAL GARBAGE!

...my god...THEY AGREE ON SOMETHING! FUTURE FATHER-IN LAW AND SON IN LAW BONDING! Er...POTENTIAL future father in law, heh heh(Bumblebee fans don’t hate me please).

5:59

Kali: Well at least you two can finally agree on something.

This is why I love you Kali, you are absolute purity in this magical Harry Potter meets X-men meets M.A.S.K. world.

6:10

Blake: Guys, everything’s gonna be okay.

...Blake...being positive...I am scared.

6:20 Blake is revealed to have an unnamed body-gaurd whom the fandom will attach a personality to WHILE ILIA DROPS IN...okay they HAVE technology in this world, she should’ve tripped off some damn motion sensors-SPEND SOME MONEY GHIRA!

Ilia then reveals that she took the fall for those creepy fox...brothers? Or are they married? I’m cool with either, I just want some background on who were originally supposed to be the main villains of volume 1(seriously, look it up).

8:00 SILENT PRINCIPAL’S ROOM-get ready for dramatic exposition babies!

Leo reveals the reason for a lack of teachers and students is OF COURSE-because of the Grimm...ironically from the Vale attack, DAMN this show is good at long lasting consequences.

9:13 OH WOW-Atlas is being a problem? Know what else, WATER IS WET!

9:42 OBLIGATORY RENORA SITTING TOGETHER MOMENT-there ya go you ship-hounds!

We are THEN told that each Maiden can open a specific door with their own abilities...I keep making Avatar parables, but that sounds RATHER Avatar, you know like in Volume 1 with the fire temple?

“She was determined at first, but the weight of responsibility proved too much for the child”.

AND THEN THERE’S THAT-that is AANG mother fucker!

11:30 Typical Avatar, runs away from home, gets picked up by bird bandits-WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!

12:17

Qrow: WE NEED TO GET THE SPRING MAIDEN NOW!

Leo: DAMMIT QROW, you don’t have a search warrant!

Qrow: SCREW YOUR WARRANT-lives are at stake!

Leo: YOU’RE A LOOSE CANNON BRANWEN! YOU’RE OFF THE CASE!

14:06 OOOH-poor Johnny boy, he REALLY wants him some revenge on Cinder.

15:06 But thankfully they make a logical compromise and-HOLY SHIT-he was lying because of Watts! I thought he was tricking him or some shit, this is WAY more interesting!

15:30 HEY-its that end scene from volume four! HOORAY FOR CYCLICITY! 

16:31 WELCOME TO JUST RITE-for all your Seven Elleven gas station allegorical needs!

...wait that place has a BAR?! Its a gas station...where people go to feul their vehicles...and serves alcohol...thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat is a messy combination.

17:30 Yang gets hit on by a drunk guy, then hits him SO HARD he bounces like four time! What is his semblance having a body made of rubber?

18:01 AH-Yang does the Archer drink finger-AWESOME!

18:18 WELP-we got our answer, she went after Raven-COMMENCE ALT-U FAN STORIES NOW!

18:56 Hey girly, I heard your looking for someone!

Damn, literally the ONLY TIME in history when getting hit on by a drunk creepy guy pays off!

19:00 OH DAMN-spooky music, WHO COULD IT B-oh its just Oz...didn’t we know that all ready in the trailer? And did we need a second pointless fake-out? A TAD superfluous.

I would also like to point out this is the ONLY time a man getting drunk and taking an underage boy home with him is okay, the ONLY time!

We then close out the ep with Oscar introducing his Bishie ass to the group as Oscar Pine(mother-fucker’s name was a play on the Prof’s name, twas DESTINY), reveals he’s mother-fucking OZPIN, all while the drunken old man on the couch REJOICES! HOORAY FOR ACCIDENTAL SUCCESS!

We’re also treated to the NEW theme song, lots of action, lots of fighgint, bitter sweet messages yadda yadda, you know how it goes. 

WELCOME TO VOLUME FIVE BABIES-this has been MicksteRecap with Yoshimickster, hope we can be pals this season!

[emaguire]

Case Notes: The Theft of the Great Green Jewel

The COVID-19 pandemic has changed a lot for all of us, but especially those who spend time in creative industries. For the time being, theatre work has dried up, and digital work has pivoted exclusively to the self-filmed and self-taped variety. So I made some more of that. Here’s a sorta... discussion?? of my process.

We went into lockdown on the 27th of March 2020, with at least four weeks, but potentially more, enforced. In total, proper lockdown lasted five weeks, with another two weeks at ‘level 3′ - with slightly looser rules, but the same focus on minimising crowd movement. I personally had been in lockdown since the 25th, as my places of work both closed on that day.

I also decided to write. I write a lot, I write an approximate ton of fanfiction every single week (no judgment, it’s a legitimate hobby), but I wanted to do something bigger.

It’s no secret that I like cozy mysteries. Generally, a cozy mystery is a mystery narrative that’s got very minimal stakes. It might be a murder plot, or it could just be a theft, but in general, the whole thing takes place in a quaint country town, there’s often a quiche competition, and there isn’t much in the way of peril. They’re mostly made for old people, so obviously I love them. Think Midsomer Murders, Rosemary and Thyme, Agatha Raisin...

I personally had just gotten into Agatha Raisin, which is a UK show set around a marking exec that moves to the country and starts solving murders - though a lot of the narrative is about the love triangle the titular character has with Sir Charles Fraith - a flirty dude who lives in an estate, and James Lacey - a more sarcastic, take-no-shit kinda guy, who’s Agatha’s neighbour. It’s a fun show, with very minimal stakes, and a lot of comedy. It’s also the first cozy mystery show I’ve seen that’s actually said the word ‘bisexual’, and meant it - which is significantly better than a lot of mainstream shows these days, but I digress.

(It does fall into its stereotypes, but it’s mostly harmless. Pictured, Roy Silver and Agatha Raisin from one episode of the show.)

I loved Knives Out last year, and I’m a big fan of mysteries. So, I decided to write one.

The Premise

First, a crime. I chose a theft, because honestly, murder is depressing, and during a global pandemic I wanted to steer away from the idea of ‘obvious death’. Plus, ‘be gay, steal jewels from monarchists’ is a fun premise, while ‘be gay, murder innocent people’ is not. 

Second, a location. A big country estate. They’re stereotypical, they’re self-contained, and most importantly, they allow for a multitude of rooms and backgrounds, which is what I was expecting for a self-filmed work.

Third, a time period. The 1920s is a fun time, full of intrigued and very specific costuming. I had just come out of Fringe, where I’d written a short noir sketch called Eat Your Heart Out Raymond Chandler - which was noir, but with mad libs cobbled together from the audience. That was set in the 50s, but it had some neat characterisation and ideas that I liked, as well as a detective named Fairleigh Goode...

The Characters

Detective fiction has a ton of trope characters. You can easily name them. There’s the detective, the blushing ingenue, an older ‘wise’ person, maybe a groundskeeper or member of staff... the list goes on. I wanted ten characters in total, because it’s a pleasing number, and it allowed for multiple threads of action and dialogue, alongside character interaction. I also didn’t want to rely too specifically on stereotypes from the genre, which are often very blatant, and often fairly sexist.

The Detective - Fairleigh Goode already existed as a character in my head, so I just gave him a little more of an existence to play with. In this script, he’s retired - after a Serious Incident at the age of 26. He’s a little fed up, a little exhausted, but stuck on a case that fascinates him. He’s also very into using overlarge metaphors and general wordplay nonsense. I took some inspiration from Benoit Blanc, from Knives Out, who’s an immensely Southern detective with a tinge of insanity, and I just... elevated that. Fairleigh’s a good detective, he just doesn’t quite get idioms, okay - and there’s nothing wrong with that.

The Victim/Lord - Lord Arnold Ruxley is a detective fiction cornerstone character. In cozy mysteries, there’s always a lord of some sort, whether they’re chaotic good or generally a bastard. Wealth brings another level to a mystery script, and thus, I wanted a jewel of his to be stolen. However, I wanted to create a character that was multi-layered. Generally a party animal, but with a touch of mystery to him, Ruxley’s life is one of spending large and spending wildly. Overexcess, one might say. Hubris. A metaphor for capitalists. Yknow. Inspiration - Jay Gatsby, Charles Fraith.

The Governess - I personally wanted to play a role that was a little quieter, a little less orchestral to the story. There’s always members of serving staff in these kinds of narratives - people tend to overlook their servants, which allows for secrets and gossip to run wild. Servants notice things that other people might not. Thus, Daisy was born. Good at her job, but cutthroat. A little cruel. Inspiration - just... people from Downton Abbey, yknow.

The Porter - As above. I wanted a little more of a foil to Daisy’s ruthlessness - someone who wasn’t afraid to call out the double standards of the time, but also had a heart and a kindness underneath. Observational, quick to anger. In hindsight, I really would have liked to have done more with this character. When an audience’s first impression of a character is them in anger, it’s often not a great look and can cast them in a negative light despite their motives. Only time will tell.

The Femme Fatale - obvious. A trope character. However, my femme fatale has a brain. She’s not just there to be looked at. She pays attention, she notices  and understands things, and she looks good while doing it. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying literature and also wearing makeup. Fuck your standards.

The Scholar - So, SO often in detective fiction is there an older scholar. Usually a white guy, usually quite poised and status quo - I wanted to turn that on its head. Athena is a scholar who will go above and beyond for what’s right, even if that leads to her being struck off. She’s alienating, a little, but will say what’s on her mind. Inspiration - Indiana Jones, but like... the opposite.

The Bastard - Just an absolute dick. No redeeming features. An absolute tool. In this case, someone comically over bad who didn’t commit the theft. He’s just a dick regardless. Plus, there’s something funny in his existence - he’s a bit of a red herring. It’s very easy to expect him to be bad, and he is. He’s just bad in a narratively-irrelevant sense.

The Romantic - A flirt. Obvious, really. Someone to break up the characterisation a little, allow for sneakiness and secrets and excitement and sex. There’s always one of these in detective fiction as well, a dapper young man who often has an eye on the femme fatale, or other such ingenues, but is generally harmless.

The Gossip - A character who notices things and doesn’t keep them to herself. She’s harmless, really, if you’ve got nothing to hide. Characters like this can be quite jarring, quite intruding into the text, but I think I managed to soften her to the point where she’s likeable, and fairly performative.

The Artist - We all know this person. We’re all artists, we’ve all been at shows or exhibitions where there’s one person who knows too much about the subject, who name-drops other creatives for the sake of doing so, who perhaps doesn’t know when to stop talking. For the most part, he’s not hurting anyone, he’s just a little bit grating sometimes.

One other note, about these characters - I was trying to create characters that were... chaotic, of a sort. People with real motives, real existences, who weren’t afraid to push towards their own goals. My initial thinking was, “What happens if I put nine mildly-terrible people in a room, and a detective has to sort their shit out?”

The World

I’m a bit of a surrealist. I write very few pieces complete ‘straight’ - that’s in all senses, for the record. There’s usually an element of the eldritch, or the bizarre, to my pieces. I think it’s funnier, I think it allows for expansion, and I just don’t like writing jokes about normal shit. There’s enough comics that write about the mundanities of life, I’d rather write about a lord who’s wife almost definitely came into contact with an eldritch being at the bottom of a sinkhole and fell in love with it. Why? It’s fun.

My world? 1920s Europe, but it’s not the Europe we know. It’s a Europe with a lot more scope, a lot more wide-ranging characters. Perhaps international travel began to happen a little earlier, perhaps the combustion engine was invented earlier than 1876, perhaps everything is powered by magic and nonsense, rather than reality. A world with a degree of the mystical to it, but a world where people just get on with living instead of actively trying to fight against that.

Prejudice. Obviously it’s a remnant of the time. When I was writing this piece I knew I wanted to queer it, knew that if I didn’t it’d feel insincere - and really rather status quo. Most of my mates are queer, most of the actors I was writing these roles in mind of are queer - I wanted a piece that reflects the world we live in and the people I know. However, I didn’t want homophobia.

Someone I quite appreciate as an academia has coined this term - “homo-utopia”. It’s not technically a ‘real’ word, but it serves its purpose as a binary opposition to the slightly more common ‘hetero-utopia’, which is used in this case as “a world where heterosexuality is normalised, is the status quo, effects policy and the fundamental makeup of the world. (So, essentially our real world, y’know). In said academic’s eyes, a ‘homo-utopia’ is one where the same is true for the reverse, in that - it’s not a world where queer relationships are the dominant, but they are recognised in policy, in worldbuilding, they’re factored in to the fundamental makeup of existence, rather than tacked on when straight policymakers want to curry favor.

In this work, the scandal isn’t that there’s two men in the 1920s gettin’ together, it’s that it’s slightly crossing class boundaries and one of the dudes is a lord. The characters don’t care about the queering, they care about the fact that the thing is happening. The same scandal would erupt between any of the characters that aren’t the status quo, really. I think there’s scandal in the Daisy/Tom relationship too, for the sake of - they’re two people that you wouldn’t expect to get together, but they do.

Also, I’m just tired as fuck of homophobia. So many narratives featuring queer characters go straight to homophobia for a crisis point, and there’s absolutely a reason for that. It’s pivotal in our worlds. However, it’s upsetting, it’s exhausting, it’s bigotry that we see constantly, and I’d rather not write about it. I don’t need to throw out slurs or write obvious bigotry to give queer characters a reason to exist. Queerness for queerness’ sake, you know?

Re: classism - yeah, I know I’m hypocritical. Classism is a pretty big problem, and it is especially so in this narrative. It still exists in this ‘utopia’. Look at it this way. Capitalism is a flawed system. If big capitalists exist, so do the underclass. Wealth is entrenched in a narrative set on an estate, featuring a theft. I couldn’t just remove it. (also capitalism SUCKS SO I WANTED TO WRITE ABOUT IT.)

Re: colonialism - I make mention of the Empire a few times in this work. If there’s Lords, there’s a monarchy. Colonialism SUCKS SO I WANTED TO WRITE ABOUT IT. Could it have been a smidge more subtle? Yes. Did I get to write about a scholar uncomfortable with the current system stealing artifacts and returning them to the people they were stolen from? Also yes.

The Script

This is a... hefty script. It’s thicc. There’s a lot of facets to it, because it’s interactive. I was considering giving it more angles, but honestly - two turning points was enough for me by the time I finished writing it.

I wrote the thing in about four days. It wouldn’t work as a stage play or anything, because the entire thing works to guide the audience towards a specific conclusion, and it’s also very heavy on the exposition.

It’s a story that has a very open ending, because of the interactivity. There’s technically three main culprits, but the story is written in a way to guide the audience towards picking a specific one. The question is, do they go for the moral choice, or the logical choice? Or, alternatively, the wildcard? Only time will tell. I definitely wrote one specific dominant pathway though.

In the first act, we’re introduced to our characters. Each of them attended the party at Lord Arnold Ruxley’s manner, though most were hardly at the table the entire night. Lucinda and Paul were there for the longest time, with Raphael the least. We learn that Ruxley’s definitely hiding something, Athena disappeared for many moments, and Daisy and Tom weren’t there at all.

Then, there’s what I like to call a ‘choke point’. A place where the audience must make a decision. In this case, it’s - which character couldn’t have done the crime? This choke point was to narrow the scope for the next act, to take some players off the court, to slim the investigation down a little.

Lucinda, as she was at the table almost all night, Paul as he was too, or Raphael, as he was thoroughly pissed on Ruxley’s wine by the end of the night?

I’m writing this just before I release episode 2 tonight, and it’s a pretty even tie between Lucinda and Paul for innocence. Raphael’s just a bitch of a character so I’m not surprised that very few people think he’s innocent, considering the choices given.

In act 2, we respond to the innocent party, whoever that may be, and delve into the bulk of the main case. On a whole, whoever was deemed ‘innocent’ by the audience doesn’t really matter, as the narrative essentially deems all three innocent and they’re discounted from the case.

During this act, we learn that Ruxley is in debt - too many lavish parties and spending, as such Daisy and Tom are about to be fired and need to do something drastic, and Athena has a sordid past as a thief, stealing to right wrongs.

This is the second choke point, where the narrative starts to draw the audiences to a conclusion. On a whole, Ruxley is the character who has done the worst. He’s an overspender, a bit of an egoist, and he stole the jewel in the first place. It is, genuinely, the most moral choice to convict him.

However, given the facts, it’s most likely that Daisy and Tom actually did it. They weren’t present at the party, they had the most time to steal it, and they have the motive.

Athena is a wildcard, a choice I threw in to give the audience something else to think about. I’m not sure how many will pick her, though she does have the opportunity.

Act three is a summing up of the case. All the characters get the opportunity to showcase their feelings towards the crime, and then Fairleigh talks a little more nonsense. It’s a conclusion to the piece.

In the end, it’s a bit of a moral decision. Do you convict the person who’s genuinely a bad guy, or do you convict those who fit the facts?

We will just have to see.

...

(Also now I really want to write this into a proper radio drama with actual fully fleshed characters and foley. Any takers?)

[nottooldforthisship]

You remembered!! Oh my my. Hard choice really. Ooohhhh, maybe a fic rec with the best side characters you know ? (Okay, Sam made me want so much more ahah 🙈)

Oohhhh, that’s a nice choice !! So here you go :

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE !

 -Always Expanding: Harry’s speechless. Apollo’s just revealed he has a thing for mortals, himself specifically, and it’s the most connected to his Greek mythology class that he’s ever felt. How does one react when gods reveal such a thing? Do they bow? Do they flirt back? Do they just drop to their knees in awe? He’s not sure, but he can only do his best with what he’s given, which is currently a wet, blushing, naked boy gripping his towel with all his might while poetically side-eyeing Harry’s next move. or (Gemma brings Louis home for Thanksgiving, and Hot Harry is the last thing he expected.)(38k)(Gemma)

- Take My Breath Away  : There is a prestigious school in the British Royal Navy classified as Premier Delta - or as it is known by its flyers, 1D. These select pilots are an elite set of Naval lieutenants who are trained in the skill of aggressive aerial combat. They are instruments of war, trained in times of peace. They are dogfighters, relentless and fearless in their mission to protect their beloved country. From their lofty vantage, they are always watching, waiting, and ready to lay it all on the line.Lt. Harry Styles, call sign Sparrow, is a prodigy when it comes to flying. The owner of an unrivaled Naval pedigree, being a pilot was always written in the stars for Harry. With his trusty RIO, Lt. Niall Horan, Harry has made an unprecedented ascension in the ranks of the Naval aerial combat elite, and has been recruited to the esteemed Premier Delta flight school, carrying on his family’s legacy. What he finds there are unexpected friendships, perilous challenges, and something beyond what he ever thought possible. Because as his father had always told him, before the great Captain Styles went tragically missing in combat, you don’t fall in love with the sky, you fall in love with what keeps you on the ground. (153k) (Niall)

- Photograph : An epic love story in which Harry is too in love for his own good, Louis is in denial of his sexuality, and they write songs instead of actually talking to each other. (207k)(Sam, OC)

- If You Asked Me If I Love Him (I’d Lie): So Harry and Louis might have fucked up.The day of their wedding was the single most perfect moment of Louis’ life and every single day since where he’s been able to call Harry his husband has been nothing short of bliss. There’s just one teeny, tiny problem…Their families don’t know they’re married.*Or the one where Harry and Louis eloped but neglected to mention it to anyone. Meanwhile Lottie is getting married and the only way for them to not steal her thunder is by pretending they’re just friends for the weekend. Featuring Harry and Louis as terrible liars who don’t know the meaning of the word platonic and some Tomlinsons and Styles’s who definitely don’t believe them. (26k) (The whole Tomlinson family)

- my heart’s a stereo (and this melody is meant for you)      : Louis Tomlinson, an ex-boybander now stuck in the rut of a comfortable has-been, gets the chance to resuscitate his career when a pop star asks him to write a duet for her highly-anticipated comeback album. Through a chance encounter, he finds a quirky lyricist in Harry Styles, the curly-haired baker and former writer with an above-average sense of rhyme and inexplicable interest in personal questions.Or: the Music & Lyrics AU that no one asked for, in which Louis is Hugh Grant, and Harry is Drew Barrymore, and the slow burn is (hopefully) worth the wait. (122k)(Eleanor)

- Sing When You’re Winning :  Harry is fifteen minutes late to the office on the day Louis Tomlinson comes out as gay. Or, the one where Harry’s a chronically underpaid magazine intern and Louis is the Premier League’s first gay footballer and pretty much the last thing they need is each other. (90k)(Perrie & Eleanor))

- Where Your Heart Is : Louis is ready for his brand new adventure. So what if he suffers from a genetic condition that prevents him from being touched? College is going to be awesome. It has to. Karma kind of owes him right now. Forget about his overprotective mother, or Liam– his entirely too chipper step brother– or his mess of a roommate. Forget about the gloves he has to wear at all times. He’s here to expand his knowledge, write and drown himself in books – No matter how distracting ‘Hallway Boy’ may be– The obnoxious, flirty frat wannabe determined to become the bane of Louis’ existence.Or, a college AU set in San Francisco where two lost boys who seemingly have nothing in common find inspiration, each other, and themselves in the process. (154k)(Sam, the OC from Photograph)

- The Brightest Lights: After watching yet another actor walk away with his Oscar, Louis is on the lookout for the role of a lifetime that might finally  get him the one thing he has always wanted. He didn’t think coming out of his self-proclaimed break to do another film would be all that difficult, but that was before he met his new co-star. (70k)(James Corden)

- As You Are : AU. Five years after The X Factor launched his career as a radio host and songwriter, Louis Tomlinson returns as a judge. Falling for a contestant is the last thing he needs. It’s also against his contract. The only reason Harry auditions for The X Factor is because his best mate signed the two of them up as some kind of joke. Harry doesn’t get the big deal—not until he’s faced with this season’s judges and realises that one of them used to be his desperate, impossible teenage crush. (139k) (Niall)

- feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream:   “Alright, alright. No need to bite,” Harry says, holding his hands above his head in a general gesture of surrender.Louis quirks an eyebrow and his foot nudges Harry’s as he moves to sit straight. “If that’s what you think biting is, you’ve got another thing coming, Styles.” Harry blinks at him before he feels his face flush and inside the marrows of his bones there’s pulses of heat, pulses of fire spreading through him. “Is that a threat, your Highness?” “That’s a promise,” Louis answers just as the car halts to a stop. “One I intend to keep.”Harry is a journalist with a lot of secrets and Louis is the future king of the United Kingdom; they live together for 60 days. (123k)(Tomlinson sisters)

- teenage dreams in a teenage circus: The three of them have always been a unit, seamlessly pulling pranks to get revenge and keep life interesting. The last few months of sixth form bring about a lot of changes, however. Gemma refuses to let anything stop her from getting into her top-pick uni, Perrie second-guesses what makes her special, and Louis breaks the most common of friend codes: he falls for his best mate’s little brother. A coming-of-age tale rife with sneaking around, late-night vandalism, first times, successes, and jealousy. (50k)(Gemma)

- Hold Me Closer : Louis Tomlinson is one of the most promising dancers of the English National Ballet, on track to become the youngest principal dancer in the company’s history. That is, until forces conspire to significantly complicate his life, including: a surprise ballet, an unfairly attractive guest choreographer, and being pushed into a rivalry with his best mate. Featuring lots of wine, dancing, pining, and a happy ending.(36k) (Zayn)

- Cosmic Love: Sudden chills rake over his body yet again, making him stay rooted to the ground. Static in the air makes every hair on his body stand up straight. That’s when he notices something a couple feet in front of him lying on the ground. It’s what appears to be a person, weird white beams snaking around them like Christmas lights. Louis’ heart rate picks up. Is the person alright? What are they doing here? What the fuck is happening? Or Louis lives in a small desert town in the middle of nowhere Texas yet a strange visitor manages to find Louis among the stars.(27k)(Perrie)

[loveforinfoworld-blog]

Jumping on the Brandwagon - How to Give Your City a Motto Makeover in 10 Easy Steps

So you're thinking of creating a new slogan and brand identity for your city Join the club Omaha Search Engine Optimization. The entire country is caught up in a frenzy of sloganeering. More than 80 percent of towns with populations greater than 25,000 either have a motto or are attempting to develop a new one.

The surge in branding can be attributed, in large part, to our friends in Las Vegas, whose daring motto, "What Happens Here, Stays Here," hit the national airwaves in 2001 and shows no signs of abating. Of course, it helps if you're blessed with a towering budget, an endless supply of neon lights, and hordes of tourists who are admitted adrenaline junkies.

Other big cities that have jumped on the brandwagon to polish their image include the likes of Cleveland ("Cleveland Rocks!"), Omaha ("O!"), Atlanta ("Every Day is an Opening Day"), San Diego ("City with Sol"), and Atlantic City ("Always Turned On"). They have launched city-wide campaigns to help sell their new brand message and make it stick. The results so far have been favorable and city fathers are relieved. Projects of this magnitude are usually accompanied by a fair amount of anguish and nagging doubts, especially when detractors start chomping at the bit. After all, a city's pride and reputation are at stake.

City Branding Isn't For Sissies

To put it bluntly, branding isn't for sissies. Big cities can expect to spend nine months to a year in brand development and several more years promoting their brandiwork. They also have to contend with lots of stakeholders, such as city officials, neighborhood leaders, corporate sponsors, downtown redevelopers, the Convention & Visitors Bureau, and the Chamber of Commerce. Oh, and let's not forget the opinions of vocal city residents and members of the press who weigh in throughout the entire process.

So if branding is painful, protracted, and perilous, why do cities do it? Why don't they keep their old motto? Why can't they simply quote that cool Latin inscription on their official seal? What difference does a brand new slogan really make?

Well, I'm here to tell you...it makes a huge difference. A slogan is a valuable ambassador. When conceived correctly, it can reflect a city's style and personality, leverage its assets, and communicate a compelling message. Think of it as urban renewal without having to pass a bond measure.

Every city is unique, possessing both positive and negative perceptions. It has a history, a culture, and a constituency Omaha Web Design. The key to effective branding is to embrace an appealing slogan that promises an experience that can't be duplicated anywhere else. A good slogan is just the tip of the iceberg, an exclamation point at the end of a municipal pitch to the world at large.

Cities that succeed in incorporating their refurbished brand message into their campaigns and advertising creative provide the impetus for attracting visitors, retirees, home builders, and investors, which, in turn, helps generate greater tourism, tax revenue, unity, and goodwill.

Cleveland's motto makeover is a case in point. After 30 years of living with the shameful moniker, "The Mistake on the Lake," and the ever-so-brief, yawn-inducing slogan, "America's Comeback City," it has emerged with its self-esteem intact and is now enjoying renewed pride and optimism largely inspired by its new slogan, "Cleveland Rocks!" Cleveland has fast become a popular destination for the rockers and the Dockers® set, and its brand barometer has never looked brighter.

Preparing Your Motto Makeover

Your city's motto is the focal point of your brand message. It tells a story, your story. It should be succinct, positive, original, and memorable. It should be believable (this is who we are), but it can also aspire to be something bigger and greater (this is how we're evolving).

Mottos can be humorous ("Experience Our Sense of Yuma" - Yuma, AZ); alliterative ("Livable, Lovable Lodi"); quaint ("Where the Trout Leap on Main Street" - Saratoga, WY); clever ("There's More Than Meets the Arch" - St. Louis, MO"); disarming ("It's Not the End of the Earth, but You Can See It from Here" - Bushnell, SD)," or rhyme ("Where Nature Smiles for Seven Miles," - Spring Lake, MI). Whatever motto you select, it reflects on you and vice-versa. Think of it as a robe you put on that fits well, feels good, looks great, and makes the right impression.

Since your motto competes with others in the municipal, regional, and national marketplace, it should also be strikingly unique so that it stands out in a crowd.

In the long run, you need a solid strategy for not only developing a motto, but also promoting it and communicating its value. A motto is just part of an overall brand awareness program that your town's citizens and the rest of the world will judge by its clarity, consistency, and creativity.

The Ten Steps to Successful Sloganeering

As a public service, I have identified 10 easy steps that any city or town can follow, regardless of size, budget, or inclination, to ensure that its branding and sloganeering process is satisfying and successful. Here we go:

Step #1: Build Your Case

To kick off a city branding project, you need top-down and grass-roots buy-in. The officials who control the budget will want to know why re-branding is necessary. Be prepared to give them a good answer. Conduct a brand audit to benchmark your current thinking and build consensus. As you move forward, try to obtain pro-bono support from a leading ad agency and donations from a few local corporations. Assemble a plan, a timetable, and a set of expectations. Refer to the branding success of other cities and focus on bottom-line results. Start thinking like a brand manager...not a city manager.

Step #2: Don't Be Afraid to Re-brand

Okay, so you have a tired, worn-out slogan that's negative, unoriginal, boring, and trite - and it doesn't do justice to your fair city. Well, then, do something about it! If companies can re-invent themselves with exciting new slogans, so can you. Perceptions change and you can find yourself in a rut very quickly. You don't need to spend millions on urban redevelopment to have an excuse to re-brand - just a strong belief shared by others that your slogan is no longer channeling your city's mojo.

Give your citizens something to rally around. Give them a new battle cry. Create a new platform for delivering an enduring message that expresses confidence and shows some attitude. Who remembers Las Vegas's former motto, "Las Vegas Loves Visitors?" That's ancient history. The city re-branded itself and never looked back.

Step #3: Test the Waters

Brainstorm as much as possible. Solicit opinions and ideas from newspaper readers and all of your key stakeholders. Organize their responses in a meaningful way and ask your agency to help you sort, craft, and polish them. Narrow down the best slogans to a manageable list. For a reality check, do a little focus group testing. Feedback is always invaluable. Be sure to determine in advance who will make the final selection of your motto - a branding committee or the results of a city-wide contest. In some instances, a branding committee will select three to five mottos and then ask city residents to vote on them.

Step #4: Focus on Brand Attributes

What are your town's assets and attractions? What words best describe its past, present, and future? Focus on slogan attributes that illustrate your town's brand character (traditional or innovative), style (colorful or understated), tone (informative or imaginative) affinity (Main Street or Wall Street), and personality (playful or serious). What core values are ingrained in your town's culture? Be sure to survey the competition (e.g., other cities and other slogans) for added perspective.

Step #5: Make Your Slogan Specific

Me-too, cookie-cutter slogans are a dime a dozen. If you borrow another city's brand style, personality, or message, you're selling your town down the river. What are you proud of? What are you known for? Are you merely the gateway to someplace else or is there a there, there? Too many towns have generic mottos or monikers that sound notoriously alike ("America's Hometown," "A Great Place to Live," A Place to Call Home," etc.). Don't go down that road. Instead, you can:

oHonor your hometown hero: "Birthplace of Johnny Cash" - Kingsland, AR

oConfer a title upon your town: "Goat Ropin' Capital of the World" - Gotebo, OK

oEmphasize something unique: "Home of the Candy Dance" - Genova, NV

oPlay up a weird attraction: "The World's Largest Chee-to" - Algona, IA

oMake an unusual claim: "The Poison Oak Capital of the World" - Forestville, CA

Step #6: Turn Your Brand Into an Ambassador

Your slogan is your brand ambassador. People experience your brand every time one of their five senses comes in contact with it. Your job is to package the most positive impressions that comprise their experience, and then brand it for them. "The Sweetest Place on Earth," the motto of Hershey, PA, is a perfect example. Its brand image and message capture the joy and happiness that people feel when they experience chocolate.

As your brand ambassador, use your slogan to make your town more appealing. Is it a fun place to visit? What are the benefits of living there? Does your motto inspire us to learn more about your town? A good brand ambassador hits all the emotional touchpoints.

Step #7: Keep Your Brand Visible

More than 80 percent of the web sites of the 50 largest U.S. cities don't even mention their official slogans, which just goes to show how little thought they give to their own branding. Too often, a city will spend months on brand development and then fail to make its new slogan and logo a visible part of its communications. Make sure your new brand identity is front and center on business cards, brochures, e-mail messages, and the home page of the Web sites that promote your city (e.g., city government, Chamber of Commerce, Convention & Visitors Bureau, etc.).

Strive for synergy and consistency among these sites, especially a common look and feel in the treatment of your logo, slogan, and city colors. The creation of a style guide will help achieve this. Finally, give some thought to turning your slogan into a web site address, such as Charlottesville's which takes you straight to its C&VB site. Now that's branding!

Step #8: Tell a Compelling Story

It's the story behind the slogan and the theme that drives it that gives it "legs." It should be told and re-told with conviction and enthusiasm. Since your stakeholders are your strategic partners and strongly invested in the outcome, get them on board from the get-go. Early adopters make the best evangelists. When it's time to announce your slogan publicly, make sure you inform your team how and when you're going to roll out the new brand message. Make sure they have the talking points they need to help promote your program. You also may want to take a few members of the press into your confidence. Whatever else you do, publicize, publicize, publicize!

Step #9: Devise an Integrated Marketing Plan

The first six months after you announce your brand identity and new slogan are the most critical. Many people will be in a state of shock; others will be totally nonplussed; and there are those who will write nasty letters to the editor and turn your fresh new branding into rancid lunchmeat. Don't worry, this is normal. You don't have to embrace these opinions, but you can rise above it all with a carefully-planned and well-honed market strategy.

An agency can provide expert guidance and the necessary overview if you're planning to mount a communications campaign that involves print, radio, or TV advertising; collateral development; e-mail marketing; and web messaging, as well as the creation of signage for billboards, buses, and downtown banners. An integrated marketing plan is designed to work multiple channels for maximum effect, leveraging all of your resources under one branding umbrella.

Over the past year, the city of Omaha has enjoyed great success at promoting its new brand identity and slogan, embodied dramatically in a bright, eye-catching red logo. The "O!" has popped up on street corners, public buildings, local businesses, festival streamers, and even election stickers. Merchandise emblazoned with it can be purchased online, and city residents are encouraged to submit photos of "O!".

Despite the uneasy comparisons with Oprah, Oxygen, and Overstock.com, the city of Omaha has played the branding game with a lot of smarts - partnering with key stakeholders in the management of its brand awareness campaign, integrating its message across complementary web sites, and encouraging the entire community to get more involved and embrace the spirit and surprise of "O!"

Step #10: Think Beyond City Limits

City mottos were not meant to change with every passing mayoral administration. If they did, they wouldn't address what is universal and timeless about your town. They would simply serve as a convenient catchphrase to spur, at best, downtown economic growth. When you sit down with your creative folks, focus on things like vision and values and the qualities that define your city's greatness. That's the level on which you should communicate.

There are no absolutes, no right or wrong answers in the branding game. When all is said and done, success in branding is measured by the integrity of the concept that underlies your main message. It's the bridge that lets you reconcile the experience of your city with the expression of its message. Remember, your city's motto is more than just a calling card; it's a special invitation. So treat it like one.

Results of City Branding Survey

A national survey conducted in 2005 by TaglineGuru (www.taglineguru.com) ranked the top 50 U.S. city slogans and top 50 U.S. city nicknames. One hundred marketing, advertising, and branding professionals in 82 cities across 38 states were asked to rank, respectively, their top 10 city mottos and top 10 city monikers.

Brand expressions were evaluated and ranked on how clever, funny, charming, original, friendly, inspiring, and memorable they were, in addition to how well they illustrated a city's brand character, style, and personality. Both official and unofficial, as well as past and present, slogans and nicknames were eligible for consideration. To level the playing field, a city could be listed only once in each category even though it had several mottos or monikers to its name.

Survey results indicated that 52 percent of top-ranked slogans were from towns with populations less than 25,000. In contrast, 58 percent of top-ranked nicknames were from cities with populations greater than 100,000.

When it comes to slogans, small towns have an easier sell. They're known for one thing, and everyone usually agrees what that one thing is (e.g., spam, hub caps, barbed wire, etc.). On the other hand, big cities are complex and have many constituents. They require an overarching message that must satisfy and unite disparate interest groups. Sadly, the result is often a nickname that is more bland than brand-oriented.

Cities and towns located in the Southwest comprise 36 percent of the top-rated slogans in this survey (e.g., "The Soul of the Southwest" - Taos, NM; "Where Yee-Ha Meets Olé" - Eagle Pass, TX; "Named for the Turn of a Card" - Show Low, AZ, etc.). Perhaps it's the region's history and lore or its penchant for spinning a good yarn that account for such colorful and romantic slogans. Whatever the reason, the Southwest understands its unique value proposition and knows how to leverage it.

For the most part, slogans that tell an engaging story and speak directly to deeply-cherished dreams and desires are better at forging strong brand identities that stand the test of time. Ultimately, a successful slogan is one whose appeal is universal, and whose underlying values and sentiments are immensely personal.

Summary

In the last five years or so, sloganeering has become a popular way to spruce up or overhaul city image and brand identity. Most efforts have succeeded: mottos are being crafted more cleverly and competitively, and are being promoted in creative and compelling ways. More importantly, they're treated as an integral part of an ongoing branding and communications campaign designed to raise awareness and crystallize public opinion.

However, those cities under pressure from various camps to refresh their message and update their slogan need to step back and ask themselves, "Is it really necessary to re-brand?" The pros and cons should be weighed carefully based on shifts in the political, economic, cultural, and competitive climate. Caveat civitas (let the city beware): branding requires more time and effort than a simple roll of the device. Just ask Las Vegas.

Of course, if the slogan-savvy town twenty miles down the pike is siphoning off much-needed tourism dollars, there's probably sufficient reason to ramp up your branding lickety-split and play some old-fashioned hardball.

One thing is for sure, city branding is here to stay. As long as we're influenced and inspired by iconic ideas and expressions, mottos and monikers will continue to strike our fancy, capture our imagination, and resonate in our lives. The good ones have staying power. They move and inspire us. They make us think and laugh. They guide our vacation planning.

Rome wasn't built in a day. Either are the best slogans. Since all branding is local, make sure the roads you take lead back to your home town.

©2006 Eric Stephen Swartz. All rights reserved.

Eric Swartz is founder and president of Tagline Guru (www.taglineguru.com), a branding and communications agency specializing in the creation, alignment, integration, and packaging of slogans, names, messages, and concepts for companies, products, destinations, and individuals.

Swartz is creator of the Integrated Marketing Communications Audit(tm), or IMCA(tm), a platform for communicating consistent brand messaging across all media -- helping client organizations come to a consensus regarding their vision, values, mission, differentiation, solution, promise, and competitive advantage.