#the time paradigm

[fauxraven]

The Time Paradigm [V]

pairing: Dream of the Endless x fem!reader

summary: questions, betrayal, answers and the love of a good dream

warnings: gore, allusions to smut, reader is horny?

word count: 3.8k

Enter the Dream, weary traveller

Chapter V: Library of Everlasting Deceit

As first centaur on Olympus, head chirurgeon and occasional husband of a demi-god, Chiron has seen more than what the whole of creation entails.

And yet, when she finds him in his anteroom, sharing her odd request, he finds himself rethinking his lives.

‘’You expect me to do what?’’

‘’Open it up. Pop it open, whatever, however.’’ She says simply, leaning back against a bookshelf stationed behind her stool.

‘’Open you up, you mean?’’

‘’I’m not familiar with the logistics. Just do what they do on CSI.’’ He blinks, drawing a sigh from her. ‘’The Closer? Forever? IZombie? I’m running out of relevant examples if it isn’t obvious.’’

‘’You are indeed a strange girl. But you are mad, if you think I’m going to do that to you.’’

‘’I would do it myself but I don’t know how. What’s this for?’’

A flash of silver shimmers under the sunlight—he snatches it from her curious fingers just as quickly. ‘’Just the scar, then. But only because you’re a menace to yourself and others. We should have you in chains.’’

‘’Kinky. Why no stitches?’’

He gets to work, slowly peeling the bandage off. ‘’The wound itself seemed—what in Tartarus?’’

‘’Like I ate Wonka’s chocolate bar, wrapper and Golden Ticket included, I know. On the plus side, my entrails could easily pay off five student loans. Probably only just one—come to think of it.’’

‘’As a doctor, I strongly advise you to leave and see it cleaned but as a man of science…’’

‘’Come on, Doc. I know you’re just itching to do it.’’

His bespectacled eyes lift, a sheen of maroon beads shimmering with curiosity. She knows victory.

‘’Only just a little then…’’ he mumbles in his heavy beard. Between one blink and the next, he holds the same strangely-shaped tools she couldn’t name to save her life. She ignores all dutifully save for one that looks an awful lot like forceps; it bears the same icy cold feeling when it skims across her torn flesh.

‘’What’s that for?’’

Sensing her sudden unease, he feeds her the directions one by one, explaining his ministrations as clearly as possible, after which he provides a drink of sorts and lets her lay down, exposing her broken skin and trembling eyelids.

‘’Are you hurting?’’

‘’No, no it’s okay. I don’t feel anything. Not a fan of blood though.’’

‘’Are you squeamish?’’

‘’Not squeamish, just… sensitive,’’ she groans, the tell-tale of clanging things and squishing insides burning a hole through her throat. He tips his head, lips upturning into a grin. ‘’Don’t mock me.’’

‘’I am not, mocking you. I simply find myself amused.’’

‘’That’s the definition of mocking someone.’’

‘’You threw yourself in front of a flying blade for the Lord of Dreams but you feel faint at the sight of blood.’’

‘’Not blood. Just… large quantities of it—especially mine. Okay?’’

‘’Okay.’’

‘’Get on with it, please.’’

It feels like forever and ever before he speaks again. The wet squelching fades away in the gilded background the anteroom provides.

‘’You have a beautiful sternum.’’

‘’Thanks. Why are we in your rooms? Where’s your medical practice?’’

Something drops in a bowl, leaving behind a hollow thud and more squelching.

‘’This is my medical practice. It might come as a shock but doctors are rarely needed on Mount Olympus.’’

‘’The whole immortality thing is really killing business, eh? Do you have a license?’’

‘’Hush.’’

‘’Yes, mom.’’

‘’There seems to be something lodged in—‘’

Crack.

‘’Holy shit. Holy shit holy shit holy—that better not be me!’’

‘’That is a lovely dress you are wearing. What shade of blue is it?’’

‘’It’s green. And I know you’re trying to distract me. It isn’t going to work.’’

‘’The Dream Lord asked about you.’'

''He did?''

''In the days you slept, he required to be made aware of your whereabouts. Your name. Your recovery. His sister tells me he meant to send a gift as thanks. I did find it quite peculiar, since you'd have entered his realm in three days.''

''I was too exhausted.'' Even then, from a table-improvised-stretcher, she feels a liquid feeling of longing dripping through the naves of her heart, filling it up with hope.

Could she return to the Dreaming? If not hers, at least some version of it? Did she want that? A pale copy of her home? What did it even look like, in this day and age?

Beautiful, most definitely, but bare of any lingering traces of their love.

''Why are they here? The Endless?'' she asks after a pause, painful images of churning emerald skies and dark sands fading behind her eyelids.

''They are guests of honor, under Zeus' protection.''

Some protection.

‘’But someone thought it would be a good idea to come at Dream with a knife?’’

‘’It did do damage—which you have mended quite impressively. The scar was just fading when I attended to him.’’

‘’You did? How did he—how is he? He says he’s alright but I know it’s a lie.’’

He spares her another glance over round spectacles. ‘’The Dream Lord is… the Dream Lord. He seldom speaks his feelings.’’

‘’You’re telling me. It took a month for—‘’ Blowing your own cover, way to go. ‘’—For me to open up to my friends, about my past.’’

‘’Whatever trials you may have endured, I’d say you’ve come out a very fierce young woman. Very powerful.’’

‘’You kind of have to say that. I mean, I was nearly a shish kebab. What did you tell him?’’

‘’That you were not my charge—that he should ask Adiona.’’

‘’Because Adiona’s my mom now, is she? She never tells me anything.’’

‘’Adiona is many things; sharing is not one of them.’’

‘’I think she just misses her heart.’’

She's stunned a centaur, how the turn-tables.

‘’She didn’t tell me anything. I’ve got an X-ray vision when it comes do these things. And I… guess I understand the feeling.’’

''Abeona is expected for Kronia. She shall not be sorrowful much longer.''

''Is that some sort of grecian holiday?''

''Kronia is... many things that my meager words cannot do justice, I'm afraid. It is held at the end of the harvests, when the offerings are the ripest—in a few weeks, you'll see.''

The coin drops with a clang.

The bowl holds it, letting it swirl in reddish water, washing away blood, tears and the heart-wrenching realization that she is expected to stay. And she would; she will, if he asks.

She sits up before he cares to stop her.

''What is that?''

''I don't know. A broken bit of blade?''

But it isn't a broken bit of anything.

In fact, it's a whole thing, full, round and slightly bumpy, a direct consequence of long days of aimless trekking through her insides.

She hasn't seen many in her life, always figuring they were only used by MI6, downright psychopaths, and that one guy whose subreddit is filled with death threats and promises of never hiding in a cupboard again—but she recognizes it instantly.

Lo and behold, gents of forgotten times and hopeless hopes: an AirTag.

⌛︎ ⌛︎ ⌛︎

An AirTag. A fucking AirTag.

Round as a button, tiny as a toddler’s tooth—complete with the half-bitten apple.

They put a fucking tracker in her abdomen; branded her like aging livestock, ripe for the taking.

But deep within the recesses of her mind, someplace anger has not yet reached, she knows the knife was initially meant for Morpheus and dreads.

Was this their plan? Tracking his every move?

She had serious doubts an AirTag in this time and age would be a breeze to follow through realms.

But, back to the matter at hand: the guy had stabbed and branded her in the same breath!

Nevertheless, she thinks she showed discernment and maturity in making the right call.

In fact, she’d promptly dropped the AirTag in water and then crushed it under her sandal for good measure.

She’d had a half mind to toss it out the window-that’s-not-really-a-window-at-all and watch it slam through clouds, but Chiron had stopped her.

Before his inquisitive gaze, she’d had no answers.

She’d simply left him the offending piece of technology for safekeeping and told her she’d be back for it, and off she’d gone on her quest for answers.

Of course, the AirTag itself provided a few.

Firstly, the attacker’s sanity was waning rapidly.

Secondly, the knife hadn’t been a knife at all for it had hurt Dream. Inflicting bodily harm on an Endless, no matter how slight, meant someone was scavenging this world with a weapon unlike anything this world had ever seen. Or ever will see.

Because the attacker was undoubtedly, unequivocally from her own time.

What did that have to do with her? What had she done?

Had that vile pointy-eared man crossed over with her? Had he been there, in the Library of Everlasting Dreams when it all went down?

A library, she thinks through her scattered thoughts, a library is exactly what she needs to find.

She stumbles through the endless halls—she's never been good at orienteering, has only a few memories of pitiful grades, muddy sneakers and a strong dislike for P.E, but she perseveres and treads the unknown natural habitat of the greek gods.

She's in love with an Endless, but the fact that she's on Mount Olympus remains the most challenging thing in her world, in spite of all she and Morpheus have put each other through.

Love is testing; love is rage and sometimes love is just love, but it has always been enough for her. And now that she finds herself deprived of it, she wishes for more.

But onto the AirTag and the gilded halls and the distant music and the bird.

The bird.

The raven, in fact, that stands in an open doorway, perched on twig-thin legs, sharp talons facing her disastrous sight.

Jessamy blinks, owlish ebony staring at her as though she can see straight through her soul; she'd worry, had she any.

''Quite a number you pulled the other day, hun. You disappeared on me; us girls have got to stick together, do we not?''

Obsidian beads flutter knowingly.

''You wouldn't happen to know where I could find a half-decent library around here, would you?''

The sound of her wings, and she takes off running after the raven.

Infinity blurs before her eyes in golden hues and sharp turns. She twists, darts through an arched hall and then pushes a heavy set of doors.

They burst open on a scene worthy of dreams.

An endless room, wooden bookcases stretch around her, stacked up to the grecian fresque painted on the high ceiling.

Idly, with her jaw on the floor, she follows the swirling shapes of lean muscle and dexterous limbs—it paints a story of gods and the creation of a world, all the battles and the loves and the sorrows and the clouds. Sharp javelins and sandaled feet—the gods are painted with exaggerated accuracy, the battle seemingly forming a perfect circle around a regal group of seven individuals.

Seven entities, all powerful, all determined, all engaged. Far away from the battle, running away from the fallout—but endless, in their presence.

She'd always admired that in him; his ability to steer clear of conflict, even when it so bothered him. She loved him for it and so much more.

She loved the Library of Dreams too.

This library, however huge, however rich, however woven with dreams, pales in comparison to the real article, the one where she's left her own heart.

But it will have to do.

Now, she doubts that she can find much about AirTags within these pages, but still she roams between the giant shelves, hoping to encounter a librarian of some sort.

Jessamy watches her, walks with her even, with nothing but the occasional flutter of a wing to acknowledge her companionship.

''Seen a book-keeper?''

Jessamy gives the slightest hint of a silent shrug—as slight as one can manage without shoulders.

She moves on.

‘’Hello?’’ Her voice echoes off the cracked walls, making it sound far away in a hazy dream.

Morpheus chastises her from above, sand sifting through his open hand, one finger of the other grazing his puckered lips.

A command.

A caress.

She can almost feel it, slipping through her fingers like his own golden grains.

‘’Where’s Lucienne when you need her?’’ She whispers under her breath, turning away from the ceiling painting, advancing to the shelves. She engulfs herself between two sturdy pieces of furniture, shielding away all hope of light and golden walls. She almost misses them.

She doesn’t read Greek.

She never ever has read Greek. She’d tried her luck on an app once—failed epically.

She only knows the letter ρ from old circular traumas revolving around seventh grade algebra. But the letters appear as they are, all Greek and Grecian and… swirling?

Before her bewildered eyes, the shapes curl, uncurl, turn and wiggle until the letters rearrange, reassemble and reform into her native tongue and alphabet.

Half-freaked out of her mind, she draws closer, brushing her finger over the various spines. All sorts of hardcovers with the same kind of gilded writings on the spines, distinguishable only by colour and size.

She plucks a green volume from the shelf; it gives a groan in return.

‘’The Loved and The Lost, by Circe,’’ she reads. ‘’Or How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.’’

Jessamy acknowledges her with a soft caw!

‘’What? I’m not completely clueless. Ha! Something else that doesn’t exist yet! Something else that is so very far from home.’’

She crams the book back where she found it. She isn’t here to reminisce, neither to wallow.

Another book falls into her hands, a hefty tome on genealogy.

‘’Nope. Not going there.’’

It snaps shut and shoves itself into the bookcase again. She follows the movement, finds the pattern. All the books in this section are labelled C.

Circe, Clio, Calypso, Chiron, and something called a Crommyonian Saw.

Just like any other library, she thinks, browsing through the shelves. She’s looking for something important, something big and nice and endless—

O.

Oceanus.

Ouranos.

Oneiros.

There aren’t any written by his hand specifically, but there is one that tells of his story. He’s been put in the title as co-author of his Memoirs of a Dream and it’s funny because she knows he’d be caught dead before he was associated to anything of the likes.

She reaches up on tiptoes; jumps, holds out her arm and stretches the skin that had been so meticulously stitched back up mere moments ago, to no avail. The book remains out of her grasp.

She asks Jessamy for help and the book finally falls into her hand. His hand. It’s hard to tell; sometimes, it’s like they’re the same person, sharing one heart and one bed.

But the pale hand that withdraws the thick tome is most definitely not her own.

She watches as it retreats, hovers over her head for a second and then falls into the empty air behind her.

She turns. His unwillingly narrated Memoirs paint a standoffish man, often cold, often dismissive—a king.

A king of soft, milky skin, nearly shining and burning eyes of twinkling stars. A coat of midnight dust and the universe itself. A heart of diamond and her.

But in truth, he is so much more. To her. To everyone.

He offers the book with a graceful hand, and she finds herself staring at the way his porcelain skin stretches across his lean fingers and clean nails. She’s always loved these fingers. She’s always loved every part of him. But his fingers, she could hold them, she could kiss them. Oh, the things these fingers could do—

She smacks herself internally. Something has drawn her from her stupor.

His lips are parted, his eyes expectant. He spoke when she could only hear the turbulent thundering of her own heart.

‘’Thank you.’’

He nods; the mimic is lost to the universe. She wants to kiss him, to feel herself melt against those pouty lips. Instead, she turns to Jessamy.

‘’Traitor.’’

‘’Jessamy had your best interests at heart.’’

She blinks. Holds the book to her chest. ‘’It’s so weird, the way you say her name. Without—‘’

Pain. Sorrow. Guilt.

‘’Thank you, for the book.’’

‘’You are very welcome.’’

Why does he have to say everything with such depth? Why does he always leave her trembling?

Kiss me. Hold me. Never let me go.

His eyes leave hers, she thinks she might faint. His sparkling gaze has found a new target—it ricochets across her new peplos as if it can see through the garment, to the freshly-bandaged wound.

‘’Chiron tells me it’ll leave a nasty scar,’’ she explains before he has the chance to say anything. And she can’t give him the chance, because she can’t stop at all. ‘’That’s fine. I’m told you dig those anyway. Not you specifically, I just meant guys in general—not that I’m trying to get with anyone. I’m not even trying to impress anyone, I’m free; free as the wind—but apparently he’s a god who’s also hitched so probably not the best comparison, feel free to stop me any minute now.’’

The words pour out of her gaping mouth with vivid accuracy, embarrassment and a thinly-veiled fondness he fails to acknowledge.

‘’I like the sound of your voice.’’

Fuck.

She clears her throat, stays her nerves, hangs onto the book for dear life.

I was doing research about you. I couldn’t help it. I’m sorry.

‘’I’m sorry I took off like that.’’

He looks offended she would even say those words. ‘’Do not be. You were in need of care.’’

‘’Obvs. But I don’t really know the social code here and everyone was being so nice.’’

‘’As they should,’’ his voice drops to the low baritone she’s heard only during bouts of anger and thorough afternoon delights. It leaves her weak in the knees. She feels hot all over, rendered thoughtless and speechless by that voice of his.

She would try to convince him that they have no obligation to her whatsoever, that all she’s done, she’s done for the most selfish reason of all—love—but under his molten gaze, she simply nods.

‘’You didn’t have to leave the party. Everything seemed… really fun.’’

‘’It was not.’’

‘‘You never came to see me.’’

Her chin dips and she almost misses the furtive blink his ethereal eyes give.

‘’I did not wish to encroach on your recovery.’’

‘’That’s…’’ Stupid. Hell. Love. ‘’Very thoughtful.’’

‘’I admit I have been restless, deprived of news of you. But in your absence, you did not once visit my realm.’’

Minor technical difficulties, she hoped.

‘’I was looking you up,’’ she surrenders with a whisper. ‘’Because I don’t like parties and because I’m also terrified of Adiona. Don’t tell her; it gives her power.’’

His eyes sweep over her beet red face and then fall to the book within her grasp. His lips twist into a sneer.

‘’Got something against books?’’

‘’Not all, but I advise you to tread with caution. Artistic license seems to be the author’s incentive when it comes to this volume.’’

‘’Why? Because she tells the truth?’’ There is no malicious intent behind her words, there never have been, but she can clearly see the shadows in the depth of his eyes. They expand, stretch, spread through the swirling cosmos of his sparkling gaze like the Beast of Judgement snuffing all hope of light—the end at the end of everything. The crimson jewel glows around his neck, shining a bright ruby red. She knows she’s upset him.

‘’Some truths had better stay buried.’’

‘’But is it a truth if it remains unspoken?’’

‘’The legitimacy of a statement does not lie in its wording.’’

‘’So a truth is always a truth? Wise words from the King of Lies.’’

‘’Very well—‘’ he makes to turn, to leave her all alone all over again.

He doesn’t wish to fight her, she realises. Because he cares—considers her, at the very least. Because she’s saved his life and he’s spent every minute of the past few days worrying to death over a woman who’d sacrificed her heart and sanity for him; to him.

‘’I would never turn away from your truth, Morpheus. Never have.’’

He isn’t angry.

She knows his anger all too well.

He is upset, yes, frustrated, dark, disgruntled; he has the personality of a wet cat, and when he turns to her, his eyes are clouded over, feral.

But this isn’t anger.

This is something else that makes her tenfold as frightened.

She offers truce—a dark hardcover filled with lies—stories, truths, everything in between.

He ignores it.

She burns even redder with shame.

‘’Where do you come from?’’

The Fates. ‘’New Jersey.’’

‘’Where do you really come from?’’

Adiona. ‘’Does it matter?’’

‘’More than anything.’’

‘‘Why?’’

‘’I wish to know you.’’

‘’You know my name.’’

‘’I wish to know more.’’

‘’Please, don’t do this.’’

‘’Why?’’

‘’Because I might tell you.’’

He pauses. Just as well; she’d break a thousand times over before she told him. Two thousand times afterwards.

He draws closer, by a single measured step—languid and lazy, calculated, purposeful and so very hot she feels she might faint. He treads cautiously, testing the waters.

He wouldn’t cross any boundaries, she knows this, but when his gaze burns into hers, she fears she might want him to.

She wants to.

His eyes pour a trail of gasoline across her flushed neck, over her heaving chest and the graceful slope where her neck meets her shoulder. She drops the match that lights her ablaze.

‘’You know my name.’’ Her voice whispers in the back of her throat. He stands too close to her fragile heart.

‘’Tell me more.’’ He repeats just as gently.

Sweet and sweeter memories come rushing back.

Tickling whispers of love and eternal devotion, tangled limbs and dream sheets, a heart and a question.

She gives in.

Breathless and quite literally hot and bothered, she takes a step toward him. Opens her mouth. Falls into his arms.

Wordlessly, he carries her limp form to Chiron’s medical practice.

She has fainted.

More on the consequences of love in Chapter VI: Mutually Assured Salvation

[kiyomitakada]

impromptu meta at 2 — oh wait 1 in the morning thank you daylight saving time

the thing about light yagami is that we all know he is repression incarnate. and we also know that kira was born out of his desperate need to justify sort-of-accidentally killing two people. and so therefore kira isn't what light's repressing, not at the outset; kira is an extension of his repression.

and the death note and his need to hide it very quickly takes over light's life. so it's easy to say that light is light yagami on the outside and kira on the inside, and maybe light feels that way. but. kira is just as much a persona as light yagami. a more hidden persona, but still not the real him, whoever that is.

and the thing is that no one sees past that. ever. most people obviously fall for the charming boy act, but even the detectives — L, near, mello — god, even ryuk stops at part two. i think a lot about how L set up the mock execution because he thought that kira would have killed his own father if necessary. can you see light doing that? eighteen-year-old light yagami who said "if anything happens to you, dad — i'll see that kira gets the death penalty. i swear it."? remember when ryuk laughs at how good an actor he is afterwards and light doesn't look at him?

light never thinks kira is evil. even in yotsuba arc he acknowledges that they think very similarly, just that kira has gone too far. (ha, ha.) for all of death note light yagami is light yagami, who says if kira wins then kira is good, who has convinced himself he is doing the right thing. he gets frustrated when other people don't perceive him the same way — lind l tailor, misa killing police chiefs while pretending to be kira — but the anger has nowhere to go other than murdering more people.

light yagami is kira is light yagami. but L, ryuk, everyone doesn't manage to see through kira in the end.

and after L dies, well. no one will ever measure up to L, in light's eyes. he almost idolizes him in the weirdest way possible. so maybe, he thinks, if the only person in the world who could ever possibly see all of him (this isn't true, it's just what light believes) thought he was just a murderer, then maybe —

i think he hollows himself out in the second arc. in the anime he seriously considers killing sayu; in the manga he never does that but justifies his unwillingness to himself by saying that this way soichiro and light won't come under suspicion (they weren't going to in the first place). light doesn't really have a sense of self. L said he was evil and of course L is wrong — was wrong — will always be wrong — but isn't it easy to play into that stereotypically evil image of himself? especially after soichiro, his last moral compass, dies: isn't it easy to nullify misa's memories, to say she's not intelligent enough to be my partner, to kill kiyomi in the most painful way possible?

("light would have done the same things in the first arc!" sure. but not with that much callousness.)

it's just. it's tragic, you know? light has always pretended to be nicer than he is but he isn't the cold any-means-necessary person they thought kira was either. he is constantly playing someone he thinks he is but he can never escape being light, in the end.

does this make any sense do i sound insane

[melrosing]

why is it ok to draw gnc female characters in pretty flowing dresses and lace etc but the second you style them as masc you get randos screaming ‘X IS FEMININE A LADY A GIRLY GIRL LET X BE FEMININE THIS IS SO SICK’ like ok but where is this energy for the flower crowns

[wanderingcas]

me five months ago: i'm going to write a fun apocalypse zombie destiel fic with unexpected twists and turns and it won't be that serious. it'll be a good time

me now 11 chapters into posting with permanent dark circles under my eyes: this is a commentary about surviving vs. living. this is about how maybe we're the ones that aren't alive rather than the zombies that chase us. because at least they have a goal and a purpose, so maybe they're the ones that are truly alive while we're simply stumbling along. how moving forward doesn't necessarily mean we're going anywhere; we might, in the end, just be simply running. also let's explore the themes of grief and loss and how that can shatter a person from fully actualizing their own sense of self. oh and by the way it's a romance about two broken people finding each other

[runefactorynonsense]

Melotober - Day 7 - Clouds

Talk with me?

[miraneko19]

Realized this while playing Birushana. Tomomori. You know.

[whetstonefires]

I think a part of the reason I feel so connected to JGY and XY is that I, too, think everyone is lying about what a good person they are. Sure, there may be a few genuinely good people, but those are in the minority and never claim the title.

I don't know about never; some people are pretty straightforward.

And in some ways the whole point of the concept of 'a good person' is that the feeling of losing the right to consider yourself one can impose instinctive recoil from doing wrong, in situations where you don't have the leisure of working your way through an ethics diagram and choosing the logically moral path before reacting to a situation. It has practical utility.

But that system can backfire pretty horribly too, in a lot of ways. It can be hijacked by definitions of 'good' that actually make you recoil from ethical acts because they're deviant. It can lead to disappearing up your own ass lmao.

And definitely the threshold for 'talking about how you're a good person' enough that it makes you suspect as either a) a liar or b) someone who values that self-image over objective reality and other people's wellbeing is. Not very high.

Jin Guangyao, ironically, is one of those people who's so performatively A Good Person in his public life that in retrospect it looks like a red flag. Which knowing this about himself in an ongoing fashion ofc just reinforces his own cynicism about everyone else lmao.

Even Lan Xichen, who I think he may see as a genuinely good person, he also sees as an easy mark who will reliably choose what is comfortable over what is 'right,' if you just structure the scenario to make that an easy choice that's easy for him to justify.

Xue Yang's bitterness is in many ways more exciting than Jin Guangyao's because he has a way more unusual relationship to reality, but it does share a lot of notes.

The role of deception in his psychology fascinates me because as far as I can tell he's as instinctively straightforward a person as Lan Wangji, albeit along quite different lines involving a total lack of impulse control, but has adopted 'deceit' as a weapon against the wicked world in the same way he has adopted 'murder.'

But when he feels someone is not merely lying but papering over bad behavior with principles they are not living up to he is livid.

People claiming to be better than him because they're 'good' when 'good' is a construct of privilege, is the underlying idea he's not equipped to articulate. Except he takes that and applies it to 'hitting me to interrupt my random murder of some guy who happened to be within arm's reach when I wanted to hurt someone.'

Which isn't like philosophically perfect, but the underlying problem he's actually reacting to is that he understands the social contract as a lie that has never protected him but seeks to control him, while protecting rich men it has no power to control.

Which it is fair to be mad about, but then his feeling is that since that's the nature of the world and all people, he is entitled to amass for himself the power to inflict hurt without consequences as much as he possibly can, and to use it against the vulnerable for fun, and no one is entitled to interfere.

Which brings him to a place where he is violently angry at anyone talking about trying to treat other people well as a value, because either they're a hypocrite and a liar or they threaten his entire system of rationalization for why he can be The Worst and still In The Right.

'Everyone is equally bad, actually' is like, an understandable take for anyone who's had cause to become embittered. Everyone is free to make whatever philosophical peace they can with the world and by and large there's no ethical weight to any such opinion, in itself.

But it's an ideological crutch people tend to wind up leaning on very heavily when they can't or don't want to take responsibility for their own behavior.

Which is an approach that Xue Yang, Jin Guangyao, and Su She all share, and which not only is shitty of them, it...traps them in a wheel of doubling down on their own worst impulses because rather than going 'that was bad and I shouldn't do it again' they've repeatedly invested all this energy into making what they did actually the correct thing, according to their interpretation of the context. Which means they're more likely to do it again.

(I think this is how Jin Guangyao became a serial killer, for example. He followed a doing-a-murder-impulse and then internally doubled down on how he had nothing to be ashamed of, so he was more likely to do it again, every time.

Wei Wuxian's strain of self-righteousness about his revenge was less...thorough than Jin Guangyao's, because he had the benefit of going after people on the opposite side of a war from him while Meng Yao's first known murder plot was against a shitty boss. But it probably didn't help him not try to solve army-shaped problems with mass murder, even after that stopped being allowed.)

If any of them had just like, zero moral sensibilities they would have created very different problems, and very possibly fewer of them. It's making a central goal of your operations 'self-vindication in your own internal narrative, created retroactively via reframing' rather than 'figuring out what I think I should do and trying to do that' that traps them in the self-reinforcing murder pissbaby vortex.

So if you look at it one way, these three villains are themselves perfect examples of how pursuit of the 'feeling of being good' (or at least 'not the bad guy') can make you worse.

Notably Wei Wuxian was also extremely sensitive to hypocrisy in his youth; it was the only part of Madam Yu's behavior he was ever shown objecting to. But he's sufficiently mellow and cynical from regret and burnout by the 'present' timespan after his resurrection to just get disgusted and alienated about it, rather than outraged.

He wasn't even all that mad at Xue Yang, though honestly that may be partly because he stopped entirely characterizing him as a person at some point during their interaction. Like, there's no point being angry at someone whose moral sensibilities operate exclusively on the plane of 'is this unfair to me' for manipulating and destroying people who were good to him, and then getting obsessed with his own self-pity about it. This is not a person who understands how not to be, metaphorically speaking, a cannibal.

And Wei Wuxian did know better and still got roughly the same result, so what business does he have getting angry?

Anyway yeah those two villains are both delightfully relatable if you sit down and put their perspectives together; they are clearly operating with the same basic suite of human needs and emotions as everybody else, without that being in itself particularly exculpatory, which is honestly refreshing. They've just got the most fantastically toxic interpersonal habits that knowing them counts as some level of Suffering A Curse.

Jin Guangyao and Xue Yang do both stand as scathing rebukes of the society that created them. But within the narrative, wherein they're people, the fact is that each of them had agency and one of the things they chose to do with it was develop rationales for why they were the most special little guy and everything was someone else's fault.

And their moral nihilisms, while also grounded in serious trauma, ping me as emotional masturbation of this variety.

[apuff]

thinking about love in danger days

this is part of my conspiracy theory that that album is aroallo, but i've always gotten the sense that romance and romantic attatchment is much less important to danger days than any other mcr record. with bullets&revenge it's quite obvious as the demolition lovers take up like, everything, and the black parade has a heavy focus on a romantic relationship as well. 

while i do think there are lines in it that are romantically coded, there is a definitive lack of emphasis on it- like it's nowhere in the plot at all. 

i do think danger days represents a very familial type of love though. while other albums visit a sense of "i want you, i need you, i miss you, i hate you,", this is more like…"i love you, i want to protect you, i'm sorry"

i find this especially strongly in s/c/a/r/e/c/r/o/w:

"Nevermind about the shape i'm in, I'll keep you safe tonight"

"love, love, love won't stop this bomb"

"run, run, bunny, run"

and other songs: 

"i'll find you when the sun goes black"

"just save yourself and i'll hold them back tonight"

"how long until we find our way in the dark and out of harm"

relevant things i can't cover with just quotes are planetary go, oft-theorized to be about party poison and kobra kid, as brothers, leaving battery city together; sing, about the killjoys' last message to the girl while saving her; goodnite dr. death, phrased as him saying goodnight to children; and summertime, which i can't discern the meaning of but seems more like a family type of love. 

i think it makes sense that danger days is like this, seeing as it features main characters that take care of a child main character as opposed to main characters that love other main characters of the same age/ability. 

another thing i noticed while re-listening to the more sentimental songs for this essay is that there's just a distinctly different vibe to it. So much of it is focused around wanting to protect people, keep them safe and out of danger (<- ha that's the name of the album) and loved. i think this also makes sense, because the killjoys live a very, well, dangerous life without much security, and they'd want to provide what they lack the most. another semi-related thing i noticed is just how much of an emphasis there is on childhood in this album. i feel like there's a vibe of youth or teen-hood throughout the earlier ones, but this is just VERY strongly about kids. again this makes sense cause not only are the killjoys teenagers (a type of kid!) they also have a proper little kid to watch. 

also, i wonder how much of this stuff was due to gerard becoming a parent. just something to think about 

[lesbianshadowheart]

the lack of fandom insanity about aloy hzd is crazy to me.....she was literally born of immaculate conception to be the saviour of a world that doesnt want her. she was the loneliest girl in the world the first and last of her kind. while gay

[hellcatinnc]

Character Birthday Masterlist

This is as many birthdays as I could find for all the games I have played and anime's I have watched. Trust me there are more characters but some have no birthday dates posted. I will update this list as I go but you can always find this on my pinned post to come back and check the birthday calendars for each. I did want to do a calendar itself for each month but when so many have the same birthdate I found this harder to do so chose to just do a master list instead.

There was so many birthdays I had to start a 2nd list here is the link to the 2nd one HERE

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

January

1st Natsume Asahina - Brothers Conflict

1st Yuito Sumeragi - Scarlet Nexus

3rd Wataru Asahina - Brothers Conflict

6th Herlock Sholmes - Code Realize

7th Saibara Kamui - Paradigm Parodox

9th Thoma - Genshin Impact

10th Yukichi Fukuzawa - Bungo Stray Dogs

11th Satoru Watabe - Stand My Hero

11th Eisuke Ichinomiya - Kissed by the Baddest Bidder

12th Gary - 100 Sleeping Princes and the Kingdom Of Dreams

13th Hades Aidoneus - Kamigami No Asobi

13th Victor - Mr Love Queens Choice

14th Kosuke Misaki - Tomo-chan Is A Girl

16th Vlad Garfunkel - Phantom In The Twilight

18th Henri Lambert - Piofiore Fated Memories/1926

19th Edgar Allan Poe -Bungo Stray Dogs

21st Sirius Dieke - My Next Life as a Villainess

21st Rui Sagisawa - Nil Admirari no Tenbin

23rd Camus - Uta no Prince-sama

27th Urie Sogami - Dance With Devils

28th Kou Mukami - Diabolik Lovers

29th Kanato Hibiki - Maji Kyun! Renaissance

31st Mozu - Bustafellows

February

2nd Lyney - Genshin Impact

4th Gin Akutagawa - Bungo Stray Dogs

5th Takamasa Saeki - My Forged Wedding

8th Allan Melville - Cupid Parasite

9th Abraham Van Helsing - Code Realize

11th Alhaitham - Genshin Impact

12th Tsukito Totsuka - Kamigami No Asobi

13th Merenice - Cupid Parasite

14th Ren Jinguji - Uta no Prince-sama

14th Hatori Otani - Stand My Heroes

15th Arashi Spring - Scarlet Nexus

17th Soryu Oh - Kissed by the Baddest Bidder

17th Fubuki Spring - Scarlet Nexus

20th Tifalia - Radiant Tale

21st Ririchiyo Shirakiin - Inu x Boku SS

22nd Kei Okazaki - Collar X Malice

22nd Yoshikazu Miyano - Sasaki to Miyano

22nd Monet Tsukushi - Magic Kyun! Renaissance

22nd Misuzu Gundo - Tomo-chan Is A Girl

22nd Louis Asahina - Brothers Conflict

26th Sophia Ascart - My Next Life as a Villainess

28th Light Yagami - Death Note

March

1st Ai Mikaze - Uta no Prince-sama

1st Ryuunosuke Akutagawa - Bungo Stray Dogs

2nd Raeliana McMillan - Why Raeliana Ended Up at the Duke's/M

3rd Ukyo - Amnesia Memories

3rd Yuki Itose - Sign Of Affection

3rd Lindo Tachibana - Dance With Devils

3rd Naomi Randall - Scarlet Nexus

6th Rafayel - Love And Deepspace

7th March 7th - Honkai Star Rail

8th Carol Olston - Tomo-chan Is A Girl

9th Mayuzumi Shion - Variable Baricade

18th Tsugumi Kuze - Nil Admirari no Tenbin

19th Ion - Radiant Tale

20th Sakami Laito - Diabolik Lovers

20th Takeru Totsuka - Kamigamin No Asobi

21st Kanato Sakamaki -Diabolik Lovers

22nd Ayato Sakamaki - Diabolik Lovers

25th Rintaro Tatewaki - Magic Kyun! Renaissance

25th Shiden Ritter - Scarlet Nexus

26th Kamisato Ayato -Genshin Impact

27th Keith Powell - Sugar Apple Fairy Tale

31st Yusuke Asahina - Brothers Conflict

April

1st Kyosuke Tsuduki - Stand My Heroes

1st Scarecrow - Bustafellow

1st Avi - 100 Sleeping Princes and the Kingdom of Dreams

1st Kodama Melone - Scarlet Nexus

2nd Masato Hanzawa - Sasaki and Miyano

3rd Noah Volstaire Wynknight - Why Raeliana Ended Up Duke's/M

4th Canus Espada - Cafe Enchante

8th Yagami Nayuta - Variable Baricade

8th Rowan - Dance With Devils

9th Kiro - Mr Love Queens Choice

10th Takatoo Tokio - Paradigm Parodox

11th Otoya Ittoki - Uta no Prince-sama

11th Zen Wistaria - Snow White With The Red Hair

12th Toma - Amnesia Memories

12th Ota Kisaki - Kissed by the Baddest Bidder

13th Kagerou Shoukiin - Inu x Boku Secret Service

14th Jinnia - Radiant Tale

15th Jirou Ogasawara - Sasaki and Miyano

15th Hayato Ozaki - Nil Admirari no Tenbin

15th Himari Momochi - The Demon Prince of Momochi House

16th Baileu Ton - Phantom in the Twilight

17th Xiao - Genshin Impact

17th Lori Asahina - Brothers Conflict

17th Enomoto Mineo - Collar x Malice

19th Miyo - My Happy Marriage

22nd Yakumo Sumeragi - Scarlet Nexus

23rd Orlok - Piofiore

24th Ruki Mukami - Diabolik Lovers

24th Masaomi Asahina - Brothers Conflict

25th Baizhu - Genshin Impact

29th Chuuya Nakahara - Bungo Stray Dogs

29th Balder Hringhorni - Kamigami No Asobi

30th Diluc - Genshin Impact

May

2nd Ichiyou Higuchi - Variable Barricade

4th Tsugumi Nazar -Scarlet Nexus

5th Atsushi Nakajima - Bungo Stray Dogs

5th Shougo Ukawa - Nil Admirari no Tenbin

9th Akane Kinoshita - Loving Yamada Level 999

9th Aoi Nanamori - The Demon Prince of Momochi House

12th Mamiya Ayumu - Paradigm Parodox

13th Kaito Sumeragi - Scarlet Nexus

15th Karuta Roromiya - Inu x Boku SS

17th Leo Cavagnis - Piofiore

17th Radie - Radiant Tale

17th Impey Barbicane - Code Realize

18th Aki Myojin - Sweet Punishment

18th Gorou - Genshin Impact

21st Rosso - 100 Sleeping Princes and the Kingdom of Dreams

23rd Sosei Arakida - Stand My Hero

26th Luke Bowen - Phantom In The Twilight

28th Kaname Asahina - Brothers Conflict

June

1st Ikki - Amnesia Memories

1st Kotaro Yui - Stand My Hero

1st Arataki Itto - Genshin Impact

2nd Shiki Natsumezaka - Dance With Devils

5th Ibuki - Paradigm Parodox

5th Nagi Karman - Scarlet Nexus

6th Anubis Ma'at - Kamigami No Asobi

8th Sasazuka Takeru - Collar x Malice

9th Natsuki Shinomiya - Uta no Prince-sama

9th Syo Kurusu - Uta no Prince-sama

10th Kasane Randall - Scarlet Nexus

11th Lynette Mirror - Cupid Parasite

11th Eita Sasaki - Loving Yamada at Lv999!

14th Renshou Sorinozuka - Inu x Boku SS

15th Anne Halford - Sugar Apple Fairy Tale

17th Shuumei Sasaki - Sasaki and Miyano

19th Osamu Dazai - Bungo Stray Dogs

23rd Cyno - Genshin Impact

23rd Erika Shinohara - Wolf Girl & The Black Prince

24th Katarina Claes - My Next Life As A Villainess

25th Shirayuki - Snow White With The Red Hair

26th Shu - Bustafellows

26th Seto Narukami - Scarlet Nexus

27th Gilbert - 100 Sleeping Princes and the Kingdom of Dreams

28th Nicola Francesca - Piofiore

30th Shuichi Hishikura - Kissed by the Baddest Bidder

July

1st Gemma Garrison - Scarlet Nexus

2nd Ema Asahina - Brothers Conflict

4th Nathaniel Hawthorne - Bungo Stray Dogs

4th Kyouya Sata - Wolf Girl & Black Prince

7th Fuuto Asahina - Brothers Conflict

7th Il Fado de Rie - Cafe Enchante

7th Tomo Aizawa - Tomo-chan Is A Girl

8th Gonzaburou Tashiro - Sasaki and Miyano

9th Kaveh - Genshin Impact

7th Alice Ichijo - Scarlet Nexus

13th Mitsumori Ichiya - Variable Barricade

13th Reiji Kotobuki - Uta no Prince-sama

13th Kazu - Variable Barricade

13th Joe Sumeragi - Scarlet Nexus

16th Gill Lovecraft - Cupid Parasite

20th Tartaglia - Genshin Impact

23rd Yuma Mukami - Diabolik Lovers

24th Junichirou Tanizaki - Bungo Stray Dogs

24th Limbo - Bustafellows

26th Gilbert Redford - Piofiore

30th Michizou Tachihara - Bungo Stray Dogs

30th Rishe Imgard Wertsner - 7th Loop

August

1st Hikaru Asahina - Brothers Conflict

1st Apollon Agana Belea - Kamigami No Asobi

1st Taiga Hirano - Sasaki and Miyano

2nd Saint Germain - Code Realize

6th Tokiya Ichinose - Uta no Prince-sama

7th Toujou Hibari - Variable Barricade

8th Ignis Carbunculus - Cafe Enchante

10th Mitsunari Baba - Kissed by the Baddest Bidder

15th Louis Anjo - Magic Kyun Renaissance

16th Hanabi Ichijo - Scarlet Nexus

20th Alan Stuart - My Next Life As A Villainess

20th Geordo Stuart - My Next Life As A Villainess

22nd Vilio - Radiant Tale

23rd Tomitsuka Ryou - Paradigm Parodox

26th Victor Frankenstein - Code Realize

27th Kenji Miyazawa - Bungo Stray Dogs

29th Reiji Sakamaki - Diabolik Lovers

29th Zange Natsume - Inu x Boku SS

30th Doppo Kunikida - Bungo Stray Dogs

September

5th Yanagi Aiji - Collar x Malice

5th Zayne - Love And Deepspace

10th Maria Campbell - My Next Life As A Villainess

12th Kagero Donne - Scarlet Nexus

13th Albedo - Genshin Impact

14th Tasuku Kuresawa - Sasaki and Miyano

16th Douglas - 100 Sleeping Princes and the Kingdom of Dreams

17th Dante Falzone - Piofiore

17th Teika Ichijoji - Magic Kyun - Renaissance

17th Kasuga - Variable Barricade

17th Araki Mihaya - Paradigm Parodox

19th Yukinami - Paradigm Parodox

19th Hisui Hoshikawa - Nil Admirari no Tenbin

21st Mamoru Kishi - Kissed by the Baddest Bidder

21st Akito Yamada - Loving Yamada Lvl 999!

22nd Subaru Asahina - Brothers Conflict

23rd Dionysus Thyrsos - Kamigami No Asobi

23rd Kent - Amnesia Memories

23rd Tsuki Aoyama - Stand My Hero

28th Rindo Kaoru - Cafe Enchante

29th Ranmaru Kurosaki - Uta no Prince sama

Octomber

7th Makoto Tsuduki - Stand My Hero

10th Banri Watanuki - Inu x Boku SS

10th Luka Travers - Scarlet Nexus

15th Paschalia - Radiant Tale

16th Xavier - Love And Deepspace

18th Shu Sakamaki - Diabolik Lovers

18th Shizuru Migiwa - Nil Asmirari no Tenbin

19th Hoshino Ichika - Collar x Malice

21st Ranpo Edogawa - Bungo Stray Dogs

24th Loki Laevatein - Kamigami No Asobi

24th Arsène Lupin - Code Realize

26th Sakunosuke Oda - Bungo Stray Dogs

28th Azusa Mukami - Diabolik Lovers

29th Kaedehara Kazuha - Genshin Impact

30th Helvetica - Bustafellows

31st Cecil Aijima - Uta no Prince sama

31st Junichiro Kubota - Tomo chan is a Girl

31st L Lawliet - Death Note

November

4th Subaru from Diabolik Lovers

4th Mary Hunt - My Next Life As A Villainess

4th Kyouka Izumi - Bungo Stray Dogs

8th Ritsuka Tachibana - Dance With Devils

11th Fyodor Dostoyevsky - Bungo Stray Dogs

11th Misyr Rex - Cafe Enchante

15th Lucien - Mr Love Queens Choice

15th Karen Travers - Scarlet Nexus

17th Rem Kaginuki - Dance With Devils

20th Zafora - Radiant Tale

21st Thor Megingjard - Kamigami No Asobi

23rd Wriothesley - Genshin Impact

23rd You Hattori - Stand My Hero

28th Luke Foster - Kissed by the Baddest Bidder

30th Shin - Amnesia Memories

30th Kaeya - Genshin Impact

30th Kyoka Eden - Scarlet Nexus

December

3rd Isurugi Taiga - Variable Barricade

3rd Ukyo - Asahina - Brothers Conflict

5th Tauryu - Phantom In The Twilight

7th Gojo Satoru - Jujutsu Kaisen

7th Akiko Yosano - Bungo Stray Dogs

12th Yang - Piofiore

16th Wataru Frazer - Scarlet Nexus

17th Aoi Suminomiya - Magic Kyun Renaissance

18th Neuvillette - Genshin Impact

18th Yuu Kusakabe - Wolf Girl & Black Prince

19th Soushi Miketsukami - Inu x Boku SS

20th Isaku Senagaki - A Girl And Her Guard Dog

20th Itsuomi Nagi - Sign Of Affection

22nd Keiya Uto - A Girl And Her Guard Dog

23rd Akira Kougami - Nil Asmirari no Tenbin

24th Shiraishi Kageyuki - Collar x Malice

25th Challe Fen Challe - Sugar Apple Fairy Tale

25th Akira Kagiura - Sasaki and Miyano

25th Misa Amane - Death Note

28th Keith Claes - My Next Life As A Villainess

28th Arnold Hein - 7th Loop

29th Masato Hijirikawa - Uta no Prince sama

31st Zhongli - Genshin Impact

31st Hyuga - Paradigm Parodox

31st Tsubaki Asahina - Brothers Conflict

31st Azusa Asahina - Brothers Conflict

[andyoullhearitagain]

People get so mad at Marie Kondo for someone who's thesis is just "If you don't like it then don't keep it 🤷‍♀️"

[seaweedstarshine]

“That’s a bold choice, Dalek Supreme, coming to a wedding planet dressed in white! Unless you’re here to get hitched… should I be flattered?”

“We are here to exterminate you.”

“Oh, that’s probably for the best. Not sure River would be up for a marriage à trois… not with a Dalek, at any rate.”

—Eleventh Doctor Chronicles: Victory of the Doctor

[scribefindegil]

Ancillary Mercy is like "What if your spaceship, the ship's captain who culturally is also a spaceship, and the single most pathetic failgirl this galactic empire has ever produced ended up in some sort of nebulous queerplatonic triad?" And tbh I think more sci-fi needs to tackle the tough questions like these.

[wanderingcas]

me while outlining: this fic will be 50k. tops.

me while drafting, at 21k words and not even a quarter of the way through the plot yet: this fic will be an eternity. tops.

[aran-morinorea]

The only thing I have anything new in today is Annatar's Shit Paradigms!

Annatar’s face goes blank in the way Celebrimbor is increasingly sure means he’s embarrassed, more so than when he literally blushes. When his eyes refocus, he says, “Sure.”

Their lab is clean. Their hands are clean. Celebrimbor has - some ideas. “Can I see?”

Annatar starts. “Wh- now?”

Celebrimbor affects an air of intellectual curiosity when he says, “Why not?” He knows he’s completely transparent, but the effort will amuse Annatar, at least.

[agnesandhilda]

started reading iron widow by xiran jay zhao and now that I've reacclimated to the YA writing style (which I do not fuck with, as a rule), I'm really into this. I'm at chapter thirteen and I'm predicting that li shimin eventually lets zetian pilot him---if only because she's able to convince him that it would make the forces holding them both captive really mad