#the tea master and the detective

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The Tea Master and the Detective by Aliette de Bodard

Series: The Universe of Xuya Read time: 1 Day Rating: 4/5 Stars

The Quote: "That's all there is to it. Life isn't easy and neat." "You make it sound like it is. when you make your deductions from the smallest scraps of evidence." "When I deduce things? You're mistaken. The world is chaotic and without sense. But in the smallest of spheres it's sometimes possible to straighten things out; to make it seem as though everything means something." — Long Chau and The Shadow's Child

Despite only reading The Tea Master and the Detective I found the lore governing the Universe of Xuya is easy to understand. I like the characters, their dynamic was not unique but somewhat unexpected. It's a mystery to be solved by shipmind The Shadow's Child and human Long Chau. The story isn't a whodunit, de Bodard just tells the story, she doesn't ask you to help solve the crime. Though she does give hints and I've readers the option to figure out Long Chau's past (as she is asking The Shadow's Child to). It is the right balance for a novella. Some leading some thinking.

Long Chau and The Shadow's Child feel like and reversal of types. Long Chau is the colder of the two, the more objective. The Shadow's Child comes across as more fragile and emotional. Though these traits suit professions Long Chau is a detective, The Shadow's Child is a tea maker. As much as The Shadow's Child claims she isn't she absolutely traumatised after the events of a war and the loss of her crew. I look at their developing relationship as something like creating a brew, brewing a tea. It takes time for them to understand each other's elements and figure out how to work together. Well since we're in The Shadow's Child's head it takes a while for her to understand how she feels about Long Chau.

The writing style used by de Bodard is pleasing. The sentences can be quite long but it is descriptive and lyrical. It is well suited to The Shadow's Child's intelligence and soul (?). Long Chau's language is different but this is only right. I like the pronouns used throughout/. There are so few characters in the book both The Shadow's Child and Long Chau are female. So many of the characters that have an impact on the plot are which I have no problem with at all, there is something to be said about using a single gender to prove a point. But the ones that are the most interesting to me are the shipminds. Traditionally ships are female but de Bodard uses a mix of masculine, feminine and neutral. Sharpening Steel into Needles is referred to as they, The Three in the Peach Gardens and The Sorrow of the Four Gentleman are referred to he.

Some quotes I liked... • But I liked the previous one. Strong chemistry between the characters. And to have a small mining operation was a smart change of setting. I loved the mindship and their habitat's Mind's lover, trying to find each other after decades had passed. — There is something pleasing about this line. I read a lot of romance novels, I have favourite authors that I can say things like this about. This I will read near everything they read and compare book to book. (The Shadow's Child) • The walls had caved in now, receding in what seemed a long and profound distance; the table was folding back on itself, showing the metal it had been made from, the bots that had hammered it into shape—the broken scraps of what it'd be, when it finally broke down, every moment existing tightly folded on top of one another. — This is a description of going into deep space. Kinda like a parker pocket of space, this feels like some form of hyperspace. Either way, it messes with the mind, the deeper you go the worse you get. The Shadow's Child makes teas to protect people'm minds in deep space. I said the lore was understandable, this was the only bit I didn't quite get. (The Shadow's Child) • "It was a long way away from here—the currents of unreality carried her a long way: you can see it in the way the shadow skin got shredded. And I could speculate, but it's an unhealthy pastime. We need certainty, not smokescreens." — I like Long Chau. I like the way her mind her analytical mind works. The language she is given is great too. (Long Chau) • "She'll be back." "Of course. She attacks problems the same way crocodiles attack prey, with relentless abandon. Giving up would be physically painful." — This is a well-respected and connected shipmind talking about Long Chau. Quite frankly I like it because it says a lot about her. This is Long Chau's reputation with shipminds in general. (The Shadow's Child and Sharpening Steel into Needles) • Long Chau lounged against the wall with the ease of someone who owned the compartment. Bots hung on the back of her hands—gilded and ornate like jewels, the needles on the tips of their bodies almost invisible. — This is just such a visual description. (The Shadow's Child) • Long Chau had been about to rise from the table. She sat down now. The languidness was gone, leaving only the sharp, fast and wounding edge of a blade. — Ditto on the visual description. This and the previous quote are pretty good examples of The Shadow's Child's language. (The Shadow's Child)

The Tea Master and the Detective has been sitting on my tbr pile for far too long. Honestly, I'm glad I've finally read it. I can definitely see how it won the 2018 Nebula award it did (plus a nomination for a Hugo). It was actually the cover that originally attracted me to this. Both covers I've seen are lovely, though Derek Berger's perhaps slightly better reflecting the characters better. Berger's is the cover I read.

oh man all the italics in this review. Out of respect to Aliette de Bodard I have kept her formatting for the shipminds names while maintaining my own formatting (italics for quotes and titles).

[tea-n-ink]

💀💖🔎

Dance with death my detective!!

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Yuma Month: Day 6: Comfort

Keep nice and warm when you’re recovering 💜

[trubbishrubbish]

CLOCKMARE IN THE CAFE.

I REPEAT. CLOCKMARE. IN. THE. CAFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[chocsra]

✧ "Salvation; Devotion"

16! stormbringer! Chuuya x fem! reader

✧ summary: being targeted by paul verlaine after being chuuyas friend, though when he comes to talk to you with a european detective, it seems to be more than friendship. ✧ content: small oneshot, fluff, angst (kinda), adam + angsty teenagers ✧ w/c: 1.4k

Chuuya - meaning "loyalty, devotion"

Nakahara - meaning "central plain"

His devotion was not only his strongest attribute, but his most tender weakness.

You knew a boy. He was young and short, but fiery and strong. He was mysterious, born with unknown origins, and walked the wrong path, that's why he's not only humanity's most destructive weapon but a lowly, pitiful, criminal.

It was something you weren't, though you didn't mind much.

But under the guise of celestial imperfections, Chuuya was a constellation falling into place. He was beautiful. Sunkissed with the kind of foreign beauty you’d see in actors that would play some sort of prince. Your first examination of him was his wealthy and neatly ironed clothing—the kind of blazers and shoes that you’d find in a modelling campaign. Even the accented cuffs of his clothing were underlined with emerald or other precious stones. Then, his silky russet hair, one thrown into a low ponytail—the hairstyle itself still retained a strong masculinity despite the length. Or maybe that came from the musky cologne he constantly wore. A hint of cigarettes, strawberries and that strong scent of virile.

The soft glow from his copper locks then shifted to the fitted collar around his neck—an odd fashion choice, but it really accentuated the ivory of his skin. Soft, sun-kissed skin that’d make its way to his face. A beautiful face, really. Delicate and angelic features with a permanent scowl tugging on his lips—soft pink lips. Chuuya's eyes reflected a fine smoky quartz. His cheeks and nose kissed with a few scattered freckles.

You wondered why a boy so sublime had the status of an onerous beast. Even he took the words that held the weight of a blade and cut himself until he was reduced to the slit of a knife.

You met that same boy, a masterpiece ripped at every edge, not in the dangers of the mafia, but where a silver line stretches to the sea. Where the sun meets the sky, where the light shines.

But even then, you treated him differently. You didn't treat him like he was something fragile. Neither did you treat him like the monstrosity he was sought out to be. You didn't worship him, nor did you greatly depend on him. Instead, you found his humanity and treated him as such. Once a stranger, then a friend, then..

Nevermind.

"Chuuya?!"

You heard the calamity of each step he took to reach you, the boy stopping to pant. "[Y/N].. we need to talk." next to the redhead, was a tall European man with short brown hair, he didn't look tired at all compared to Chuuya. "Greetings, my name is Adam Frankenstein." You cocked a brow at his monotonous voice, the way his mouth moved didn't seem in sync with his words either. "You're rather special, Master Chuuya spent almost 7 hours looking for yo-" Adam explained briefly, causing the redhead to grimace and cut him off, "Shut it, will ya?!"

...

You heaved a bothersome sigh, elbows planted on a cafe table as the two men sat in front of you. "So.. why do you need me, Chuuya?" you question, fiddling with your fingers, "And who's he?.." your gaze uplifts to the brunette foreigner, which the man carefully takes a pack of gum and begins to unfold it, popping a piece in his mouth, before swallowing it. Your eyebrows furrow in a moment of youthful distaste.

Chuuya clutches the cup of tea between his gloved fingers and murmurs something intangible, "Adam's a detective from Europole, investigating Verlaine. He wants to know more about him, which is why he's been following me around.." he finally explains, taking a calculated and almost frustrated sip of his tea.

"Verlaine. Who's Verlaine?" You ask momentarily, causing the redhead to part his lips to answer, but you quickly halt as the detective swallows another piece of gum down his throat. "And why is he chewing gum like that?"

"That's what I'm sayin'!" the teenager half-seriously slams the cup of tea on the table, "He swallows it like a nutjob. You need help, tin man." Chuuya scoffs, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat almost nervously.

"You need help. You spent 6 hours and 47 minutes looking for h-" the brunette explains with a hint of sass in his voice, the redhead's eyes widening in shock, "I said shut up!"

You shuffle in your seat awkwardly as the two men argue. Scratching the back of your neck before Chuuya finally settles down, patting down the cashmere of his suit.

"So here's the thing about Verlaine.. he's this batshit crazy assassin, and uh.. here's the real kicker.." the mafioso mutters, fiddling with his gloved fingers uneasily. "You're gonna be the bait."

Your jaw immediately drops, a hand clasping over your chest in the offence. "Excuse me?! For what?.. to get killed?!" Chuuya looks distressed at your response, seeking Adam's gaze for at least a little help in his later response.

"Your safety is ensured. We just need to lure Verlaine out, so Master Chuuya can eliminate him." the detective explains rather calmly, fishing for something in the pocket of his suit before handing a chocolate bar to you. "Here, sugar helps with stress." the redhead smiles awkwardly at Adam's response, giving a nervous thumbs up.

You snatch the chocolate bar with a bit of attitude, eyes narrowing to Chuuya as the boy inhales sharply, "I thought I wouldn't get involved in your mafia affairs, now I have to die?" you ask with furrowed brows, anger cracking in your voice. Causing the teenager to gulp in slight fear, a rare sight to Adam, as he's never sensed fear from Master Chuuya. Especially to a young girl like you.

"Well, you won't die... More like, almost die." The detective explains, hoping he'd ease your nerves at least a bit. "Doesn't matter! M'not doing it!" You shout in vexation, hopping up from your seat as you pick up your school bag. "Plus, I couldn't if I wanted to, anyway," you murmur,

"Wait.. why?" Chuuya asks with conviction.

your gaze adverts to the different sights in the area: the park bench, passersby, and the cafe's menu. Anything but Chuuya's confused face.

"Uhm.. I have a project that's due tomorrow, and I didn't start yet."

"You can't be serious!"

The teenager runs up to you in frustration, you clutch your bag as you turn to him. "Oh, but I am!" you remark, walking faster as the brunette detective catches up. "I'm very serious! After all, this is a serious project!"

The redhead pants and wipes a bead of sweat off his forehead, "You're really gonna prioritise a school project over your own life?!" he cries out, still trying to catch up to you.

"Anything is better than being bait for the Port Mafia!" You yell out, settling your argument atop a bridge, ignoring how the sun was starting to set in an arrangement of oranges and pinks. "Shit- Don't say that so loud!"

"I'd rather finish a school project than become bait for the Port Mafia!!"

You repeat again, louder this time. Chuuya pinches his nose bridge in frustration, tilting his head up towards the setting sun. And upon you halting your swift steps, the redhead finally catches up to you, and to your surprise, he grabs your hand to spin you around.

"Look, I had a shitty week too!" the boy lets go of your hand, making you huff a little bit. But instead of letting you go, he cups both of your cheeks and pulls you close, his gaze never averting from yours. "People that mattered to me died, so many of them," the teenager explains, a melancholic glint lingering in his pretty eyes, you could see it all from the close proximity of his face. "and I'd do anything for you to not be one of those people."

You gulp hard as your eyes scan over the glass of his eyes, the once stormy grey now welling holding back tears.

Silence.

Adam clears his throat, standing beside you and the mafioso awkwardly, "Apologies for interrupting. But this whole exchange is very childish. Master Chuuya, don't you think there are better words to articulate your romantic feelings towards [Y/N]?.. Perhaps after this all over, you can solve this by getting into a relationship-" you and the boy both retort at the detective in unison:

"Shut up, Adam!"

...

"Okay, I'll help you." you frown with conviction, "You owe me a school project, though."

The redhead presses two fingers to his glabella, "I'll send someone to complete it for you."

✧ chocsra™

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[mrmeowski]

˚✧𝐒𝐮𝐫𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐞 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐧𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐲 𝐏𝐭. 𝟐/𝟐✧˚

Synopsis: You never imagined that after a year in this place, you'd be carrying the kid of some celestial being. To be honest, you were terrified; you had no idea this would happen, and he had never discussed it. You hesitated initially to tell him, but as things became too difficult to conceal, you gave in and informed him of the news, unsure how he'd take it.

CW: Slight angst, Lesson 76 spoiler [End part of Simeon's], faintly mentions breeding kink [Michael]

Word Count: 4.6k

Characters: 🧡༻✧ Barbatos [746] 💜༻✧ Diavolo [692] 🧡༻✧ Mephistopheles [599] 💜༻✧ Michael [692] 🧡༻✧ Raphael [690] 💜༻✧ Simeon [728] 🧡༻✧ Solomon [520] Surprise Pregnancy Pt. 1/2»

⋇⊰BARBATOS⊱⋇

The ever-vigilant butler detected a problem before you even noticed it. Barbatos has become accustomed to your regular visits to the Demon Lord's Castle and is always at the entryway to greet you. So when your customary arrival time passed, he patiently waited; perhaps something came up and you had to delay. However, his patience has dwindled, and his wait has become longer.

Before he was able to figure it out on his own, you sent a message indicating that you were feeling nauseated and were unable to make it to the castle. He scowled; this wasn't enough; people don't go around feeling ill for no cause. Because you insisted on leaving the matter and not taking it seriously, he knew you wouldn't bring more information. So he took action, using his ability to see into the past. The Young Master instructed him not to use this incredible talent whenever he felt like it, but when it came to you... it is necessary.

He wanted to know whether he had put something on your food that made you feel that way, but he came up empty-handed because everything he provided you, drinks and food, was in excellent condition. He considered other details that he had overlooked in the past, such as whether you or someone else touched you and caused you to have the illness. Again, nothing came to pass. Feeling defeated, he instead looked ahead to see if your illness worsens.

His fear came to be, it intensified to the point that you began to vomit. Still, he can't find the source of your nausea. Until a specific day, you had a positive pregnancy test. The demon butler's blood went cold. He needed to take a breather but wanted to know if things went well in the end. A human pregnant with a demon child is not and never will be safe for the mother! So, even if he didn't want to, he went forward, further into the future. He witnessed all feasible branches, all of which resulted in your death, the kid's death, or, worst of all, both dying.

The butler doesn't realize he's crying and he needs to stop. He had always been so strong and composed, but now he was a wreck. Despite the sadness and pain, he saw a ray of hope. A path that allows you to both survive and thrive. He needed to direct you and his child there. Abandoning all of his duties for a short while—Diavolo must understood his reasoning—he went to the House of Lamentation without asking for permission to enter then straight to your room.

He was the one who informed you of your pregnancy. You had no idea—you didn't even suspect it! His red bulging eyes indicated that he had seen something, and if he wanted to keep his young one, it had to be nice. You simply trusted him throughout the future voyage. After the revelation, you very much lived at the Demon Lord's Castle, much to the dismay of the brothers, with the exception of Lucifer. The Demon Prince and the firstborn were the only ones who knew about this.

The butler still performs his young master's tasks, much to the latter's dismay, as he had advocated devoting his time completely to you, but your demon persisted. You always have herbal tea along with foods that are soothing for you and your child. But, despite all of this delight, he occasionally wonders about the road he has chosen, fearing that if he makes one mistake, he will ruin everything.

But he doesn't have to worry any longer, because you were under ideal conditions, at least for a human bearing a demon child. Even though he has seen everything and has a torture chamber in the castle's depths, he can't bring himself to look at your pained countenance and those troubled gasps. He felt his stomach twist and spin as it does when he sees rodents, but this time it was far worse. He hoped for a happy ending and to see his little one in your arms. He did everything correctly, and there was nothing—

He opened his eyes and heard a wail, but it wasn't from you; it was from a child. Then a nurse approached him and congratulated him, but he paid them little heed. His eyes fixed on your shape, beaming at him, and there in your eyes was his little one. He couldn't be happier.

⋇⊰DIAVOLO⊱⋇

You didn't know how to tell him; you were afraid, afraid of what the people would think. From the start, there were concerns about Diavolo's ability to reign especially given his young age—for a demon. If his heir is half-human, the kingdom will judge him! All of these things make your head pound, and even though the Demon Prince is preoccupied with paperwork, he knows something's been bothering you.

When you told him the news, he fell silent, and his smile couldn't help but flatten. That look, he was upset, and it was evident he did not want the baby. It saddens you, but you fully understand him. So you suggested not keeping the child, which surprised him. He can see in your eyes that you are going against your own statements, so he asks you why you didn't want to have the child. Despite the gravity of the situation, he couldn't help but smile when he heard your explanation.

The prince is unconcerned about what his people think of him; he can withstand any backlash from those lowly demons! But... he does worry about your health. A human carrying a demon spawn is never safe, but his genealogy includes one of the most powerful demons in existence. He knew killing it was the wisest option, but he also wanted to keep this young. If things had gone differently, this would have been the joyous day of his life.

So, even though the odds are stacked against you, he entrusts his most loyal butler to guide him and you all the way. Being assured by the latter that there is a chance, you persisted in keeping the child. The demon prince could never be against you, and he did leave the option for you; even if he hadn't, his response would have been the same as yours.

Since everything is settled, he throws a large celebration to inform the Devildom that there will be an heir to the throne. You were against it when he originally told you, but after witnessing how deflated he became, you gave in and let the man be. After all, if someone is brave enough to abduct or worse, attack you, you know you're in capable hands. In addition, you have the seven brothers' pacts.

He connects you with the best doctors in Devildom and even transports you back to your realm, for reasons you don't question. It bothers him, but he can't abandon all of his obligations to this kingdom, and because he knows Barbatos wouldn't have enough time to care for you, he entrusts his right-hand man to do so when he can't. Your lover does his best to be there for you, especially during the last few months.

He absolutely loves to feel your baby bump, especially when his little one's active and kicking. It implies that they are healthy and alive whilst you're in great condition. He can't get enough of it, so sometimes you have to stop him, and he pouts, which makes you feel horrible so you'll let him continue, then the cycle begins. These are the instances when he forgets the consequences of keeping the child.

When you go into labor, there are already far too many nurses available to assist you. Throughout, he sat by you, playing with your hair and telling you that you were doing well. He may appear calm on the outside, but deep inside, he is terrified. Even though he knew the butler would not fail him, he began to question Barbatos' perceptions. The prince lost his mother when she gave birth to him, and he can't bear losing you.

Everything went silent until his ears caught up with the cries of his young. He couldn't breathe, his heart was about to burst as he clutched the child. He makes certain you are well and alive, which you are, and he feels so... blessed to have started a family with you without dire consequences. His childhood was sheltered and lonely; he will not repeat his father's mistakes. He'll make sure his young can go out and see the world, to have many, genuine friends.

⋇⊰MEPHISTOPHELES⊱⋇

The man choked on the Hell Coffee you prepared for him, nearly spitting it on the paperwork. With wide eyes, he peered around the room, asking that there be cameras and that someone cry, "Got you!" but none of that happened. He was scared; why wouldn't he be? You are bearing his child; it is a demonic child! If you hadn't soothed him, he might have fainted right there and then.

After calming down, he felt... quite good, perhaps even great. Knowing that it was his child, not Lucifer's, he felt awful that Diavolo had taken a liking to you, but at this point, he didn't pay attention to them. His thoughts were completely on you and his upcoming child. He had always had a soft place for children and had considered having one with you, even if it was adopted, after watching how you interact with Luke. So this was absolutely wonderful, and it was his own blood!

With claims that he is richer than the Demon Prince, there was no need to worry about the cost of baby clothes and toys. He was pleased to be shopping at the mall, and it felt surreal that it was actually happening. You should expect nothing less than the best treatment from him and his employees. If one of them dares to touch you in the wrong way, they should wish for a speedy death since he will not be the only one who wants to hear their cries.

Rubs it hard on Lucifer, enraging him, but he can't do anything since you'll stop him, making Mephisto even more smug. In addition to gloating to the Avatar of Pride, he reads about demonic-human pregnancy but finds little information on it. However, if this is successful, he will ask for your permission to publish it in the newspaper. He sincerely hopes it works out, but he is afraid he may lose you, the baby, or both.

If he isn't available—due to work or family obligations—he'll have his salamander with you so you have a piece of him on your side. He is confident you will take good care of the adorable salamander! Perhaps you can educate him on how to behave, as the demon cannot seem to. When he is there, he'll be glued to your side, wherever you are, he's just one step behind you ready to buy you something or pounce at anyone and anything.

Feeling the baby bump is still surreal to him; he feels like he'll waking up in a dream. But then he feels his little love kick and move, and he realizes... he knows it's all true, and this will be a new exciting chapter in his life.

His fear had surfaced; he had always pushed it aside, focusing solely on the brilliant sight of this strange pregnancy. He was uneasy whenever you gasped in pain, but he stayed by your side even when he wanted to vomit or pass out. It was a long and difficult process, but it was all worthwhile, and he is so proud to have stayed by your side, all the while commenting on how well you were doing and that everything will be alright.

As he carried his little demon, he whispered a quiet vow into their ears. He may be unable to perform his duties as Diavolo's right-hand man, but he will ensure that he is the perfect father for his child. He will not fail this time; he has a new purpose, one that can only be achieved by him, not Lucifer or anyone else.

⋇⊰MICHAEL⊱⋇

He may or may not have laughed in your face when you delivered him the news, believing it was a cruel joke and that you wanted him to feel something. But when you kept silent with a wounded expression on your face, he realized you weren't joking. He felt his heart plummet; first and foremost, he had no idea this was conceivable! There were only a few instances when he indulged himself with you, and in those handful of times he somehow... created life in you?

Despite the shocking revelations, Michael is unable to refuse the child, but he also cannot risk losing you. He was still in denial, asking you whether you were mistaken and that... It isn't his child—saying that pains him—and you didn't respond; instead, you gave him a look to dismiss the concept.

Your relationship with him has always been kept private; if it were to be revealed, he would fear the sanctions that his Father would impose on him, particularly on you. He knew he'd be the one to shoulder the repercussions, but now that you bear his child, he's not sure. He can be guaranteed that at least one person will come to his help. Simeon.

The angel may not like him, but he doesn't care; as long as your life is in danger, he knows Simeon would aid, and the man does. Unfortunately, he is unable to be present at all times to care for you, so he delegated responsibility to Raphael. Whenever he has the chance, he'll immediately be by your side, asking how you're doing and if everything is okay. He is overjoyed to learn that there's a path you and his little angel will live a flourishing life.

Being as strong as he is, even in his absence, he can be confident that the protective blessing he bestowed upon you will be activated when danger approaches. Absolutely babies you; he is known to exhaust people that were beneath him with a slew of responsibilities, yet when it comes to you, he won't even let you lift a finger for assistance. Especially today, given your current situation. It can be a strain at times, but you can't stop him; he appears to enjoy doing these things for you, and it's his way of showing you how important you are, as does this child.

During his break, he'd read about parenting since he knew nothing about it. When he discovered that the baby could hear outside voices even while in the womb, he began telling your stories about him and the brothers as well as Simeon and Raphael. He would go on and on, and if given the opportunity, he would stay with you all day, but he cannot abandon the Celestial Realm's responsibilities.

When the bump becomes evident, he seems unable to move his gaze away from it. His hands remained on them, feeling his child's kicks and movements. He has never thought about love or family, and he is unaware that he is capable of having children. Whenever Father makes an angel, they are his younger sibling and he is their older brother, never their father. He can't put into words the emotions that are stirring inside him. Fear and excitement were obvious... however, there was something else with them. It was... a thrill to see you carry his child and his alone. He sort of wants to put another...

He hasn't paid attention to it since the day came. He flew down to Devildom under the cover of the Demon Prince, hoping to speak with him. Although they did discuss RAD, the genuine explanation is that you are giving birth. He stayed at your side, but he was struggling; he hadn't been exposed to much pain, and the most recent was The Fall, which occurred centuries ago.

As soon as his little angel was born, the man squealed, the most composed and feared angel squeaked like a rat when he saw the second most beautiful being. He cradled his little dove with such care and affection. What a miracle... and his mind cannot help but recall his earlier desires.

⋇⊰RAPHAEL⊱⋇

You needed to tell him somewhere quiet so he would feel at ease; this is where the child was made, the garden grounds of Purgatory. He was a little perplexed, as you could see in his eyes, and when you broke the news, he fell silent. The air from his lungs was removed. He was afraid. I'm terrified of what can happen, and I'm worried about you. That gaze shattered your heart, and you suggested not keeping the child, but to your surprise, he declined. He is scared, but he knows there is hope, and there is only one way to find it: he knows of an angel who would not snitch on Michael or his Father, and who also admired you.

Simeon was thrilled with the news, but Raphael knew deep down that the latter did not take it well, as seen by the faint quiver in the angel's eyes. Nevertheless, he assisted them in taking the situation directly to the Demon Prince. This made him nervous, but it was the only way to secure your safety while carrying this miracle of a child. He held out hope while he waited for the butler to discover such a passage, and there it was.

Despite being in the Devildom, Michael would still load him with a slew of tasks, so he couldn't always attend to you, much to his dismay. Sometimes he takes the fall and slacks a little; the other angels can handle it, and he has other problems to attend to—he's having his own child, which no one expected! You always surprise them. It was fate that Lucifer chose you as the other human exchange student.

The seraphim has long been known as someone not to mess with unless you want to be pelted with spears. He was protective of you back then, but not overwhelming; nevertheless, this cannot be stated today. As a small nuisance, he is prepared to spear down the lesser demons. He does not allow anyone other than the demon and angel brethren to come near you. He'd be right behind you, giving them a filthy look.

He has always struggled to express himself verbally, therefore he does so through his actions. Even if he's worn out, he'll do anything for you, such as carry heavy objects, he may not be the finest cook, but he'll give it his best shot. He put in so much effort that you could see him reading about pregnancy, the dos and don'ts. It's rather adorable. There is one thing he can accomplish with words: sing. He enjoys singing for the brothers back then, and he enjoys it even more now with you and his child. His voice is so calming that it sometimes puts you to sleep.

Because he does not want the others to find out and the news to spread to the Celestial Realm, relocating you to the palace grounds and returning you to the human realm is the best option for both of you. Ah, but don't worry, he'll be your guardian angel when you return home—he promises. You insisted on safeguarding your child instead, but he declined because you were still more important to him, and it has been shown that angels can... reproduce with humans so it's not something to worry about that much.

Your labor day was a nightmare for the nurses, as your beloved stood behind them, observing every movement they made like a hawk with its prey, only he had a spear. He was prepared to tear the nurses apart if they made even the smallest error. You wanted to beg him to settle down, but the pain was tremendous, consuming your entire being.

He only dropped the spear when he saw his baby was born. He let you hold them first, adoring his child, noticing all the similarities between you and him, it was a fine piece of art. Even if you'll be leaving this realm soon, he promises his child that he will be there for them when they need him the most and that he will give his life to protect them and you.

⋇⊰SIMEON⊱⋇

When the results come back positive, you won't believe it. You had no idea how to tell him, let alone that it was conceivable to have children with an angel. But when you told him, there was a great smile on his face, but it was evident that he wasn't sure. Your connection has always been kept private; if words were leaked back into the Celestial Realm, he fears what may happen. However, it was too late; he was too in love with you, and there was no turning back. Then again, Simeon was never too concerned with his realm's rules...

Since his kind doesn't procreate as humans and demons do, they're wielded into life by his Father, so this was a miracle and... a curse. He doesn't know what will happen. If you'd be safe he could be normal. So he seeks the help of the Demon Prince and his utmost royal butler. He knew doesn't sit right with the prince but if it was about you, he knew Diavolo would help him and his intuitions were right.

Barbatos anticipated a road where you and your kid would be secure, but the residual fear haunts him. How could he explain this to Luke and Raphael? If a young kid comes around calling him dad, he's done for. He is adamant that you and his child would not be affected but in his case... it will not be the same.

There were no major changes in how he treated you since he has always been a gentleman to you. Even if there isn't a bump, his hand can't help but touch and feel your stomach; vaguely, he can sense the essence of life. He still can't believe he'll be starting a family with you. He has written about this—not exactly you and him, but characters loosely based on the two of you. Back then, he believed it was an impossible fantasy, but love always finds a way.

Only a few people, including those who aided along with Lucifer, are aware of this revelation. He needed to understand why you were spending so much time in the Purgatory. Solomon caught up on your regular trips, but he didn't mind because you'd been spending the majority of your time with the brothers. Luke and Raphael, on the other hand, were completely unaware of it.

As the months passed and you felt it more and more, the bumps became more visible and difficult to hide. You stayed in the Demon Prince's palace grounds until the child was born to reduce the possibility of the story spreading. When the young is born, you will be sent back to your world; you have overstayed your welcome in Devildom, and it is about time. This... it pained the angel that he wouldn't be able to visit you and his child as frequently, but he knew it would be safer.

When the dreaded day had come, he was only able to watch the first part until he feels a bit to faint and had to leave. He feels guilty that he can't be there but even if he was he knew he'd faint on the floor and only cause more trouble and stress for the nurse as well as you which he doesn't want. Minutes had passed and the nurse came outside before she could say anything he rushed for the room.

He breathed a sigh of relief, there you were, and his little angel. It was a sight that he'd cherish until his own demise. He held the kids so gently like they were feathers. Even if he could not be always present in their lives, he promised them that he'd give them the best life he could. Speaking of which, you only stayed at the Devildom for a week before... you needed to leave. No one was there but the four who knew.

But it doesn't end there; not long after you return to your realm. There came a knock on the door, and your angel appeared. He seemed a little too happy. That's when he revealed that he had become human, just like you. You questioned him how and what he did, but he didn't answer. He simply hugged and twirled you in his arms. You felt horrible, but also... good. Finally, you would be together with nothing keeping you back.

⋇⊰SOLOMON⊱⋇

He wasn't even surprised when you told him the news; he seemed to be expecting it. You assumed he'd be concerned, but the broad grin on his face says otherwise. He never considered having a family until he met you. It was then that he realized he would have the finest future with you.

He always passively aggressively rubs it into all of the brothers, especially the eldest, whenever he gets the chance. He's way too cocky when people get envious or annoyed, knowing they can't hurt him because of you. No matter how many times you beg him to stop, he continues to do it, this time behind your back. The only way you learn about it is when a white-haired demon comes to you and complains about your lover's teasing.

Protecting you had become his pastime, and he had even forgotten that he had cast the protective magic for you. Said hobby only grew following the news, bordering on overprotectiveness. He'd be busy searching for and manufacturing remedies to help you get through the adventure. He reads about parenting because he hasn't had any experience with children in a long time—except for Luke but he's an angel and not a human.

Because Asmo is displeased with the sorcerer, Solomon commands begs him to assist you and him to purchase baby clothes and toys! The Avatar of Lust was left with no other choice, but in the end, he appreciated it, as did your significant other.

There is one thing that your partner believes will be the ideal method to express his love for you:... Cooking for you! You claimed you nearly fainted at those remarks. You pleaded with him to take culinary lessons from Barbatos or to at least follow the recipes exactly and not add anything else. That kind of upsets him, but he had heard that when pregnant, one's sense of smell and taste intensifies, so he disregarded it as his meals being more 'spicy' than usual.

But even then, you had to triple—quadruple that he didn't add anything or that he didn't mix salt and sugar like the last time. You can't dismiss him, especially because he seemed to be pleased with what he has made, so you gave in... Surprisingly, it was edible; while the flavor is still a little odd, you can eat it! He must be taking your situation very seriously, which makes you happy.

Since you're back in the human realm, he thinks you and your child are the prettiest home and husband material—but don't count his cooking abilities, even if they improve. You're frightened he'll revert to his old ways.

The sorcerer is well prepared for the labor; the smallest sign and you're straight to the hospital bed. He did his best to calm down and soothe you; unlike the others, he is much better at keeping his cool. He's ecstatic to hold his tiny darling, his smile so wide it hurts as he slowly rocks the bundle of joy. He can't believe that you and he created something so gorgeous, the again the mother is magnificent.

Request» Masterlist»

[sunderwight]

SVSSS AU where Shen Yuan transmigrates as usual, except it's to find that his system is freaking out because it's been several years since Luo Binghe was supposed to show up at the sect trials to start his plot but so far there's been no sign of the protagonist, the Protagonist Halo Features aren't working correctly, and there's another transmigrator who arrived earlier, somehow hacked into the system, and erased its ability to track or punish him before disappearing into parts unknown (it was Airplane).

So Shen Yuan, now Shen Qingqiu, reasons that anyone who was trying to interfere with the plotline had either rescued or killed Luo Binghe while he was still young. Hoping for the former (but braced for the latter) he uses what scant knowledge the novel provided about Luo Binghe's origins, plus his new skills and some of the sect resources available, to track down Luo Binghe.

Turns out, in this version of events, some "random benefactor" showed up and gave Luo Binghe's mother some life-saving medicine. So she didn't die. But her health remained poor and Binghe never left her side, instead doing as much of her work as he was able to. So teenaged Binghe is basically a seemingly average, run-of-the-mill servant.

Shen Qingqiu is like "well this is pretty easy to fix actually" and approaches Luo Binghe as a wise immortal master type, says he sees Binghe's potential, and offers to take him on as a disciple. Luo Binghe is thrilled and kind of gobsmacked, but won't abandon his mother. Not a problem! Shen Qingqiu figured he wouldn't, so he offers to make arrangements to have Mama Luo comfortably set up in one of the villages at the base of the mountain. Sure, having her be alive and letting Binghe visit and write to her would be a deviation from the usual tragic backstory, but not a huge one! Shen Qingqiu is ready to mark this problem solved (and start dealing with all the other problems it creates for him) but the system is weirdly unsatisfied.

Turns out that even though Shen Qingqiu has found Luo Binghe (and a few discreet tests confirm that he has some sort of seal in place, and what are the odds of some other random orphan found on the Luo river, raised by a kindly-but-ill laundress, and named "Luo Binghe" exists in the same region?), the system still can't detect the Protagonist Halo Feature. The stupid glitching thing can't recognize the protagonist without it, so it keeps insisting that Shen Qingqiu locate him, even when he's kneeling right there and performing the tea ceremony for his initiation!

It's really annoying!

Especially since this means that the system won't actually safeguard Luo Binghe from harm. Which means it's up to Shen Qingqiu to make sure that his little white lotus disciple lives long enough to become the ruler of everything. This is easier said than done! Between the skinner demon side quest, and the demonic invasion, and various other side missions to build up the protagonist's potential, Luo Binghe is constantly getting into trouble and Shen Qingqiu keeps getting poisoned or injured trying to drag him back out of it in one piece!

Matters come to a head at the Immortal Alliance Conference (as they so often do). Shen Qingqiu is not planning to yeet Binghe, of course. Like this there's no guarantee of survival, and the system isn't even demanding it of him (because it still doesn't recognize the protagonist), but it seems to be demanding they turn up for the event anyway. Shen Qingqiu is a nervous wreck and fighting the urge to hover, because as expected, there is still a demonic invasion. Except this time Mobei Jun is there, and so is a mysterious cloaked figure who seems to be searching for something.

As soon as Shen Qingqiu claps eyes on the figure, the system chimes happily.

Protagonist Halo successfully located!

Turns out, part of Airplane's hacks involved stealing the halo and reassigning it to himself. Except that means that narrative destiny still wants him to hit certain plot beats, so he's been busily conquering the demonic realms -- in MBJ's name of course -- and mostly doing the bare minimum to satisfy the requirements while evading the system's efforts to regain contact. But now he's gotta go get Xin Mo somehow, except the minute Shen Qingqiu spots him so does the system.

The system, which immediately reassigns Airplane as the protagonist, and orders Shen Qingqiu to throw him into the Endless Abyss.

Which is like, better this rando than Binghe, so okay, but Mobei Jun is not cooperating plus the mysterious hooded stranger also seems pretty resistant to the idea (Airplane is NOT a heavenly demon, Protagonist Halo or no he's still actually a relatively squishy human cultivator, and he does not want to go into the hell pit), and between one thing and another Airplane manages to fall int the Abyss with Luo Binghe.

Not ideal. Which is to say, Shen Qingqiu is emotionally devastated and almost convinced that Luo Binghe has died for real and that Mysterious Halo Thief is going to come out somehow in a few years and chop off all his limbs, and Mobei Jun is extremely distressed because the man he intends to marry just fell into the Endless Abyss, and that seems like a difficult thing to somehow Evil Vizier your way out of.

The other peak lords arrive to keep Mobei Jun from killing Shen Qingqiu, and so everyone just kind of despairingly returns to their separate corners of the universe to wait and see what will happen.

Meanwhile, down in the Endless Abyss, Luo Binghe has unlocked his heavenly demon blood and is now constantly trying to kill Airplane. But thanks to the transferred protagonist halo it just doesn't work. The system interferes and creates a last-minute unlikely survival route for Airplane every time. They eventually reach an impasse where Airplane can't die but only Luo Binghe is strong enough to actually fight most of the creatures in the Abyss, and all this "fighting" between the two of them (generous description) keeps attracting big monsters.

So, Airplane offers a deal. He knows things about this place. Including how to get out. If Luo Binghe helps him fend off the monsters, then he'll help Luo Binghe survive and escape as well. He even offers to help him get away from Shen Qingqiu and make a place for himself in the demon realms! Luo Binghe tries to kill him again for that, so he drops that line of attempted bribery really quick and switches tactics. He knows more things! Things about Shen Qingqiu's past! Secrets he'll share if Luo Binghe helps him!

Is this the start of a beautiful new friendship?

No.

Turns out Luo Binghe and Airplane have exactly the correct combination of shared traits and differences to find one another mostly intolerable. But not intolerable to the point of not being able to manage teeth-clenched teamwork. By the time they get out of the Endless Abyss, Luo Binghe never wants to hear about cup noodles or tax collection or Mobei Jun's tits ever again, and Airplane feels much the same about anything at all to do with Shen Qingqiu (and either Shen Qingqiu is a fellow transmigrator now or else Luo Binghe has inserted a shockingly vivid delusion over the scum villain he wrote). But they're both alive and in joint custody of an evil sword.

Unfortunately, due to the bickering and the complexities of Shang Qinghua's sketchy memory for his own plots, it takes them even longer to get out of the Abyss than it took PIDW Luo Binghe to manage on his own.

And, uh. Well.

They don't find things in great shape, considering how they left them...

[kyouka-supremacy]

BSD Anthologies Masterlist

I couldn't find a comprehensive (and with still working links) masterlist of the translated anthology chapters so. Here we go! Biggest shoutout to this other masterlist by @/yokohama-drip for most of the chapter references and to bsd-bibliophile for chapters 7 and 12 of the first and second anthologies. Titles translation credits go to the bsd wiki. Happy reading!

Edit: Thank you so much @amythedemisimp for the precious additions!!!

1-5 raws

First Anthology -Rei-

Don't Get a Stomachache to Gain a Friend by Hideki

The Things I Hate, the Things I Like by Ichi Kotoko

The Devil Comes and Takes Care by KanaiNeco

Kenji 100% by Enya Uraki

The Detective Agency's Manju Incident by Ui Kashima

A Quiz During Work by Mito Aoi

Karl's Resentment by Tsubata Nozaki /// alternative translation

The Things I Like by Con Kitora

Me and the Cake and Sometimes the Pug by Kazuki Tōgō

Jun'ichirō Tanizaki's Suffering by Akamaru

Fortune-telling Will Bring Good Luck by Yūto Masagishi

Icy Weather by Tam Chashibu

What is a Partner...? by Akaza Samamiya

Second Anthology -Hana-

The Detective Agency and the Port Mafia's Holidays by Mikan Aka

Time Sale is a Battlefield by Guru Mizoguchi

Q's Stroll Day by Kazusa Subaru

Osamu Dazai Quiz Tournament by Hinoki Kino

Ruler! Fitzgerald's Room by KanaiNeco

Thirty-two. Episode Five by Kakashi Tano

Ichiyō Higuchi's Off Duty Top Secret Mission by Ataru Hida

A Restaurant with Many Literary Masters by Ko Nikaido

A Timid Person's Day by Masahiro Jinno

Hot Pots and Holidays by Sho Kimiduka

The Tiger's Repayment by Kotaro

Sweet Outing by Yuzuru Kuzukiri /// alternative translation

Bungos' Joint Social Gathering by Hideki

Stray Dogs' Lucky Spot Disagreement by Noka Nogami

Third Anthology -Rin-

Mother by Hideki /// alternative translation

The Mafia Inadvertently Read a Novel Written on a Whim and Reincarnated in a Parallel Universe by Hinoki Kino /// alternative translation

As You Wear It by Akira Hirahara /// alternative translation

The Devil's Automatic Door by Nanora /// alternative transaltion

How to Find Happiness by Kanae Ikushima /// alternative translation

Hello, Again Winter Dreams. by Pyaa /// alternative translation

The Visitor in the Rain by Togekinoko /// alternative translation

Because My Senior's Healthcare is Also My Job by Roku Sakura /// alternative translation

Good Weather, Cat Storm by Osawa /// alternative translation

Breakfast Situation by Miki Daichi /// alternative translation

Elise-chan, a Smartphone Application by KanaiNeco /// alternative translation

Q's Suffering by Hiko Nekome /// alternative translation

Tiger, Sometimes Cat by Taichi Miya /// alternative translation

The Port Mafia's Medical Check-up by Sakurana Haru

With a Hat, a Man and a Beef Bowl by Oda

Fourth Anthology -Akatsuki-

Poe and Ranpo and Enter and Black Tea by Imaru Adachi /// alternative translation

Apple Demon by Nykken

A Little Break by Siroisora

Exciting Grab Bag by Toriyasu

All Quiet on the Black Cloth Front by Mari Araki

Hirotsu-san's Coffee Shop by Yashino Ayashiro

The Client is a Cute Ghost by Otakumi

The Little Visitor in the Rain by Togekinoko

Fully Automatic Suicide Machine by Zero Akabane

Why Did You Come to Japan? by KanaiNeco

The Story of Kunikida Falling Asleep by Saru Hashino

A Hunting Dogs' Holiday by Hinoki Kino

Infernal Day by Asuka Keigen

The Decision is an Oblate that Enwraps the Pain of Life by Hideki

Fifth Anthology -Kanade-

Masterlist by @/zilinks

Sixth Anthology -Mutsumi-

Given to You Based on Your Level and Love by KanaiNeco

Detective Agency Radio by Yu Kira

GET UP LUCY!! by Kabotya

Poe, Wine and the Setting Sun by Imaru Adachi

Shindafuri Dai Sakusen by Yuri Tsukushiro

Hanachidori by iyutani

What Style Are You? by Kiyo Hasui

'Hitori' yori 'hanbun' by Neno

The Angel's Rest by Mari Araki

Mottomo Erai Egoisuto by Mutsuki Higashioji

Magomusume Sakusen, Zokkō-chū ni Tsuki by Eku Hachida

Boo no Yū by Asato Konami

Do S! Erisu-chan!! by Kakeru Sora

Young Ranpo Wants to Be Praised by Tsuki Anmi (incomplete)

[noctua-an-owl]

I know Twitter isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I made the Master Gameo (George's Cameo) Thread where I try to gather them all. Everything that I could find, here on Tumblr or on Twitter that was posted publicly. So if anyone wants to see what videos others were willing to share - whether about Dead Boy Detectives or anything else - I invite you to my thread, it's pinned on my profile @noctua_an_owl 🫶

[lou-struck]

The Hall Of Faces

Diavolo x reader x Barbatos

WC: 2.9k

~ After a trip through the palace’s art gallery, you find that a picture of Diavolo may need to be updated.

Warnings: Mention of eating humans, moments with both Barbatos and Diavolo showing their love of the reader.

No matter how many times you find yourself visiting the castle, you can't help but think it is one of the most beautiful places you have ever seen.

Despite being thousands of years old, its gleaming marble flooring looks brand new, and the historic art and statues line the halls with museum-level prestige. Every time you walk the long, carpeted hallways you always seem to find something new to captivate you. 

On this visit, you find yourself following Barbatos down a grand window-lit hallway. Although he tries to keep his excitement at your visit to himself, you notice there is a joyful spring in his step as he leads you. "Thank you for joining the young master and I for tea this afternoon. I prepared a wonderful selection for us on the west balcony that should be to your liking."

"Of course Barbatos, thank you for the invitation," you say watching as his deep green eyes shimmer under the moonlight. "I don't believe I have been in this wing of the Castle yet."

"Then it is my pleasure to be the first to guide you," he replies with a smile. He slows his pace, allowing you to walk beside him. The two of you walk in content silence, enjoying the comfort of each other's presence, until you notice a strange-looking vase resting on an elegant pedestal. It seems to be composed of two types of clay: one looks like melted pearls that seem to absorb the light of the moon, and the other is a matte ebony material. The contrast between the light and dark is so captivating you stop to look at it.

Barbatos, sensing your distraction, chuckles behind you, "I thought that would catch your eye," he muses. "Would you like to know the significance of this piece?"

"I would," you nod. It takes so much self-restraint to not trace your fingers along the priceless art, but somehow, you manage to resist the urge not to touch it.

"This vase contains two different types of clay, one from the Celestial Realm and one from one of the depths of the Devildom. Usually, these substances repel from one another, but thanks to a bit of water from the human world, they are able to come together and create something beautiful."

"That's amazing," you breathe, looking at this art, this manifestation of what can happen when all three realms work together.

"I knew you'd appreciate its beauty," he smiles. "Shall we continue?"

You nod as he holds out his arm to escort you down the hallway. 

The palace is a labyrinth, and after turning right, then left, and then right again, you find yourself staring down a long hallway littered with portraits on the walls. 

"What is this place?" you ask, passing the painted eyes of regal-looking demons that seem to follow your movements. 

"This is the hall of faces," Barbatos answers. "It is a place to honor those who have made a difference in the Devildom, past royalty, war heroes, and other notable figures."

"I see." your eyes rest on a figure with broad shoulders and familiar-looking eyes. "Is that?"

Barbatos' face falls slightly, "Yes, that is his majesty the King, the young master's father."

"Diavolo's father," you repeat, letting your eyes wander from the darkened painting to the one next to it. One of the Prince himself. But instead of the tender warmth in the Prince's features, you find him looking stern and cold. "That doesn't look like him," you murmur. "I hate that someday people will walk by this portrait and not see him as the ruler he is."

"I agree," Barbatos says. Although it is a subtle shift, you detect a hint of disdain in his voice as he pulls his gaze from the painting. "The artist who painted this portrait, and many others, is well renowned but does not know or care of the true light of the Young Masters' smile."

"He sounds like a jerk," you grumble, stepping away from the painting.

Barbatos laughs; the sound is light but pleasant. "That certainly is one of the many words to describe the Artist. Come, let me escort you to the balcony. I fear the Young Master will become jealous if I steal you for the entirety of your visit today."

You take his outstretched arm and allow the Butler to guide you away from the Hall of Faces and to the eagerly awaited tea party. But as you get farther and farther away from the portrait, you cannot rid yourself of the effect Diavolo's portrait had on you.

~

The balcony air is warm and comforting as you raise a hand-painted teacup to your lips. It's warm, rose-scented steam tickling your nose with it's tantalizing fragrance, 

"Mc, is something troubling you?" The Prince asks gently from his seat next to you. He places his large hand on top of the one you have resting on the table's edge. "You seem troubled today."

You place your teacup back onto its saucer on the table and look at his handsome face fondly. "It's nothing, just lost in thought."

Barbatos lets out an amused chuckle as he comes up behind you to top off your cup. His gloved hand rests gently on your shoulder. "Mc and I walked through the Hall of Faces today, Young Master."

Diavolo's smile falls slightly as he shifts nervously in his seat. "Oh. So you saw my portrait?" There is an embarrassment in his gaze that makes you wonder if looking at royal portraits of the past is the Devildom equivalent of looking through your friends' old middle school yearbooks. 

You nod hesitantly. "I did."

"And what did you think of it?" he asks, his golden gaze coaxing the truth out of you. 

"It didn't look like you," you admit. "I mean, it was you in the picture, but it was weird seeing you look so serious and unhappy.."

"So you think I am unserious?" he smiles amusedly. 

"No. I just really like your smile," you admit, shyly grabbing a lemon cake from the three-tiered stands.

"Well then, I suppose it's about time for me to update my portrait," he says, looking over to his Butler. "Barbatos, can you please fit that into our schedule?"

"Absolutely, young master. How about midday tomorrow?" The Butler hums thoughtfully. He knows the Prince's schedule by heart. 

"Wonderful, and does that work for you Mc?"

"Me?" you ask with a mouthful of cake; a bit of the glaze drips down your chin as you look at the two demons in bewilderment. 

"Of course," the Prince laughs, handing you a handkerchief to wipe your face. "You are the one responsible for this appointment, so It is only fair that you join us for an afternoon."

He says it lightheartedly so you know that if you truly had something going on, or if you did not want to go. You would not have to. But in truth, sitting for a royal portrait probably isn't something that happens very often; your curiosity gets the better of you, and you find yourself happily along with the Prince.

Both demons, seeing your acceptance, look absolutely elated. Diavolo flashes you a sincere grin as he claps his hands together. "Wonderful, then we look forward to spending the afternoon with you."

~

The next day, you find yourself sitting in the Parlor at the castle. Diabolo is finishing up a meeting and Barbatos is greeting the Artist at the doors. Apparently this Demon is older than the Butler himself, having been the one responsible for painting most of the portraits in the Hall of Faces. The idea of meeting such an ancient being makes your stomach bubble up with nerves as you wonder what they are like. 

Looking around the Parlor, you notice that the room looks a bit different than normal; the furniture has been tastefully rearranged to make room for a lavish-looking armchair and an art station across from it. Instead of the typical moonlight streaming in through the large windows, some kind of enchantment on the glass fills the room with something close to sunlight.

When you close your eyes, you can almost feel the warmth on your face. 

You hear a soft chuckle from across the room as Barabtos comes in carrying a large, worn case with little streaks and splatters of color on its surface. "The artist prefers to work in the light." he smiles, setting down what must be painting supplies. 

"Can't say I mind it," you smile as the demon strides across the room, around your chair, and presses a soft kiss to the top of your head. This little act of affection is reserved for the moments when the two of you can be alone. 

"Then I'll make sure to use this spell more often." he smiles, placing his gloved hand on your shoulder. You find yourself getting lost in the warmth of his emerald gaze just as the parlor doors burst open. 

A short demon, swimming in a bright smock, takes quick, impatient steps into the room. His skin is the color of dried dandelion petals, and his tail is tipped like a paintbrush. "Canvazu," Barbatos greets, stepping between you and the Demon politely. "It is a pleasure having you join us today."

"Yes, yes, you said it before; now, where is my subject?" he says with a wave of his hand. 

"the young master will be here momentarily," The Butler says. In the meantime, Lord Diavolo would like to invite you to enjoy some refreshments."

"Diavolo?" The Demon, you now know as Cavazu, questions, "Haven't I painted that one before?"

"Indeed you have," Barbatos answers calmly, but you know him well enough to know that the Artist's disrespectful question irritates him greatly. "But as he plans to take the Devildom into a new era, he wishes to have an updated photo."

"I see." The Artist says shortly as his eyes take on a slightly red hue. Curiously, you lean forward to get a closer look. His pupils look like splatters of paint and seem to change color depending on his mood. Your movement catches his eye, and he notices your presence for the first time since he has arrived. 

"A live one, eh?" he says, wrinkling his nose in disgust. "This Prince of yours has some questionable taste. I prefer my humans slow-cooked."

You shift back in your seat as the hair on the back of your neck stands up straight. Do you know that eating humans has been outlawed and the Devildom for quite some time? Maybe this guy is so old he missed the memo?

Barbatos clears his throat and takes a step toward the Demon, who is looking at you like their next meal. "Clearly, you are mistaken; this is Mc. A distinguished guest and friend of the Devildom."

The Artist opens his mouth to surely make another snarky comment, but he's interrupted by the doors parting and Diablo's timely arrival.

He looks just as handsome as ever as he greeted you with a smile, "Sorry I'm late, Canvazu. Thank you for taking the time to meet us today."

The Demon, who is becoming one of your least favorite beings in the three realms by the second, looks the prints up and down. "oh, I remember you. You look the exact same as the last time I saw you. So why do I have to immortalize your face again?"

Your jaw drops, how could he say this to the ruler of Hell?

You look at the Prince, but to your surprise, he only laughs. The wonderful sound fills the room and calms your nerves. "I suppose I wish for the Devildom to see the true me~"

"Actually, I don't care." the Artist says in an annoyed tone. "Go sit over there so we can begin."

Diavolo is unphased by the Demon's rude behavior but shoots a quick look at you and Barbatos, whose smile is murderous, to not intervene. If this Artist is as well respected as he appears to be, he certainly can get away with this attitude toward nobility. 

"Is there anything else you need before you start?" The Butler asks, clearly wanting to get this whole exchange over with. 

"Yeah, Silence." the Demon sneers, his voice low enough for Diavolo to not hear from his chair across the room. He dips his long- brush-shaped tail onto his palette. And painting the backdrop. 

You see Barbato's jaw clench, and you gently reach out and give his hand a little squeeze to calm him down. He relaxes and looks at you warmly. "I apologize for my rudeness, Mc. You have been here for quite some time, and I haven't given you any refreshments. May I fetch something for you?"

"That would be lovely; thank you," you say, happy to give him a distraction. He nods and goes to make you something in the kitchen, leaving you in the room with the Artist and the Prince.

It kind of sounds like the start of a corny joke, and you smile to yourself, thinking up all the different ways you can set up the punchline.

You watch in amazement as Canvazu works, his tail flicking back and forth; his paintings are so lifelike, so realistic it looks like you can step onto the canvas and still be in the same room.

Diavolo sits perfectly still in his seat, but despite his best efforts to hide it,  he looks extremely bored. He meets your gaze and gives you a little wave.

You stick your tongue out at him teasingly in response, and he beams back at you; at the change in his subject's face, Canvazu's head snaps toward you, and he glares into the very depths of your soul. "You, human. You are distracting my subject; stop that at once! Do you realize how privileged you are to be sitting in on one of my sessions?." Embarrassment boils beneath your skin and you open your mouth to apologize, but Diavolo stops you standing abruptly. 

"There is no need for that; Mc is doing exactly what they're supposed to do, making me smile. 

"As the artist, I will capture your image as I see fit." Cavazu objects. "I cannot immortalize your face looking so undignified with a silly grin."

You sit up from your chair, "there is nothing wrong with his smile," you say defensively, your patience finally running out . "will you really not paint him if he doesn't look miserable in the chair?"

"Absolutely not." The Demon says, throwing his pallet on the floor. Paint splatter everywhere. "Watch your tongue, Human. You are nothing but an insignificant pest. You have no right to speak to me that way."

Immediately, Diavolo is at your side, looking furious. "I believe we are at an impasse then, Cavazu. I tolerated your disrespect as a courtesy for your continued service of the Devildom, but you have crossed the line. As of now, you will no longer be contracted by the crown."

Canvazu looks absolutely frazzled, for once having to actually deal with the consequences of his actions. "You cannot be serious, My lord. I have served the Devildom for years and you choose this, your pet? Over me?"

"A thousand times over." Diavolo declares with certainty; he looks down at you and takes your hand, pressing it to his lips. "And this Human may one day rule the Devildom at my side. They mean more to me than anything. I refuse to let you rob the Devildom of its smile any longer." Diavolo says, his authority clear in his voice. 

"Barbatos, if you please." The Prince says, addressing the Butler, who you haven't noticed come back into the room. 

"At once, young master." The Butler says, and with a snap of his fingers, the Artist disappears from the room, leaving the three of you alone in the Parlor. "I must say, kicking that oaf out has been one of the highlights of my existence, Your Majesty. Thank you for that opportunity."

The Butler sent the two of you into a fit of laughter and, despite his prim and proper nature, lets out a genuine smile in response.

"Are you alright, Mc?" The Prince asks softly, the anger on his features disappearing as he looks at you. 

"I'm alright; I'm sorry your artist was such a jerk, though." You reply. "Is there another artist you can use to paint your portrait?"

He shakes his head, "this situation has made me realize that I do not want to have my portrait painted anymore."

"But I thought you wanted a new painting to replace the one in the Hall of Faces," you say in surprise. 

He smiles, "I do, but I was wondering if you would do me the honor of sitting with me in my portrait."

"Is that really okay?" you ask in bewilderment. 

"Of course it is," Barbatos says simply. "You have done more than enough to earn your place up on the wall."

"I-I don't know what to say."

"How about yes?" The Prince asks, his golden gaze overflowing with hopeful affection. 

You smile and nod eagerly, your heart feeling tender with love. "Yes, I will."

"Wonderful," he replies eagerly, looking like an excited golden retriever. "Barbatos, would you do me the honor of painting our portrait?" 

"I would be delighted to," he replies, striding over to where the Artist once stood. "I have not practiced my oil paintings in quite some time, but I believe I can capture your feelings appropriately."

"So. Shall we begin?" The Prince smiles leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to your lips.

Tagging: @enchantedforest-network, @starbbyy

[tea-n-ink]

So i made a Swap AU

more doodles under cut

references:

Swapped Link and Midna Au by @/mimiadraws

Troubled Birds Meme and Cat knife meme

This onion article

Danganronpa V3 As Fandub Quotes | Animatic | Collab w/ SporkWizard by livarachii (for the pose) and this vine for the audio

[pixelatedraindrops]

Yuma looks so cute with a cold ;w; 💕

(under read for minor snz content kinda)

don't stand in the rain too long silly 🤧💦

[604to647]

Sniffles

1.5K / Detective Tim Rockford x fem!reader

A/N: Inspired by @bebsjo’s ask about Tim wanting to take care of Shutterbug when she’s sick. I answered it but couldn’t get the thought out of my brain; thank you for the ask, love - please consider this a more complete answer! 💕

This is our The Rockford Portfolio couple but as always with their stories, can be read as standalone (though there is a relationship milestone in this one 😊).

Summary: You’re sick and you don’t want to give Tim your germs.

Warnings: None! Fluff. Snot. Soft!Tim, established relationship, nicknames as usual (Shutterbug, baby, gorgeous).

Dividers by @saradika-graphics 💕 / Series Masterlist

Tim is just putting the finishing touches on the arrest report for a pair of mid-level Pie henchmen when his cellphone starts to buzz with an incoming call.  He picks up upon seeing from the caller ID that it’s you, “Hey Shutterbug.”

“Hey baby,” you croak.

“What’s wrong?  Where are you? Baby, are you okay?” Tim stands up, ready to sprint out of his office to get to you.

Laughing at your sweet boyfriend’s reaction to a simple cold, you try to talk him down from the ledge in a soothing, albeit scratchy, tone of voice, “Don’t worry, Detective - it’s just a cold!  But I left work early so I wouldn’t spread my germs around.  I took some medication and I’m just getting into a bed with a hot cup of tea right now.”

“Can you FaceTime?  Need to see you, gorgeous.”  Not that he doesn’t believe you, Tim would just feel a lot better getting visual confirmation that you’re all tucked into bed, getting the rest that you need.

Your tired but still cheery face lights up Tim’s phone screen, and he exhales a little sigh of relief to see you already in your pajamas even though it’s still early afternoon, “Do you have everything you need?  Soup?  Drugs?  Tissues?  Throat lozenges?”

“I do, Tim – thank you, but baby,” the you on his screen chews your bottom lip and looks at him apologetically, “I don’t think you should come over tonight.”

Tim tilts his head, confused, “What do you mean?  Who’s going to take care of you?”

You start to laugh but it immediately devolves into a coughing fit, “I’ll be fine, Detective!  It’s just a cold – I’ll take drugs, I’ll sleep, I’ll get better.  I don’t know how contagious I am, but I don’t want to get you sick, Tim.  I know you.  You’ll insist on going to work even when under the weather and you’ll be miserable.  While I’m sick you should stay at your place, just to be safe.”

“But-”

“No buts, Detective.  It’s not my first cold!  I’ll be fine, I promise.”

Tim is about to respond when his Captain peeks her head into his office and gestures with her hand for Tim to follow. 

“I gotta go, Shutterbug, but text me if you need anything and I’ll bring it over, okay?  Feel better soon, baby.  I love you.”

“I love you too, Detective Rockford.  Be safe!”

Four days.

You’ve been sick for four days.  Tim takes some solace in knowing that you’ve taken the time off work to properly recover, but still… it’s been four days.

After the first night back at his house, Tim takes to sleeping on the couch in his office.  Even though the mattress in his master bedroom is indisputably less lumpy, the couch is less depressing.  At least his office is something: it’s work.  His house constantly reminds Tim of what it is not: it’s not his home. It’s not with you. 

Every time you and him talk on FaceTime, you’re decidedly still sick (are you actually getting worse?!) and the tiny bit of hope Tim harbours that he’ll be able to come home to you soon evaporates.  He decides not to tell you where he’s been sleeping - you’ll just worry for his back, and then he would have to explain how miserable he is without you and make you feel bad.

Instead, Tim listens as you tell him you took yourself to the doctor to learn that you have the flu, not the cold, and listens at your wheezing laugh at how ironic it is that you had your flu shot scheduled for next week.  Tim nods approvingly when you confirm that you’re having groceries and meals delivered and bites his tongue from saying that he could - wants to - do all that for you.  He watches as you trudge to the kitchen in your bathrobe with your runny nose and messy hair to make food, and he tells you you’re the most beautiful creature he’s ever seen - because you are.  You tell him he’s silly but still give him the biggest smile you can manage in your exhausted and achy state.

You fall asleep every night while still on the phone with Tim as he tells you all about his work day and his current case, lulled to sleep by his soothing baritone voice.  Even after you’ve nodded off, Tim doesn’t hang up right away – partially to make sure your breathing doesn't get too laboured through your stuffed up nose, but mainly so he can look upon your peaceful visage for a little while longer.  He misses you so much.

By night five of sleeping without you pressed up against his chest, Tim has had enough.  After work he makes stops at the grocery store and pharmacy before heading to your place.  Laden down with bags full of soup and frozen lasagna, cold medication, ice packs, a new hot water bottle, cough drops, plus one plushie (something called a "Squishmallow"? Its "bio" on the tag says she’s a nurse) among other supplies, Tim turns his key in the lock of your apartment for the first time in nearly a week.  Immediately, he’s hit with the familiar scent of your perfume and the peppermint of the tea you’re currently making; he knows you're in the kitchen just from the soft shuffling and sniffles he hears - all of it a comfort to his senses.

Now all he has to do is see you and hold you and he can finally feel complete.

At first you think you’re hallucinating when your big, burly detective appears in the doorway of the kitchen.  You must be sicker than you thought - or maybe you accidentally took an extra dose of flu medication?  But the strong, thick arms that wrap around you feel real.  And the rough hands that cradle and massage your head feel soothing.  You melt right into that hard but cushiony chest despite not being 100% sure it isn’t a figment of your fever addled imagination.

“Whhhharrhwudoongnhrrrrtm?” you mumble.

Petting your hair indulgently, Tim chuckles, “Want to say that again, Shutterbug?”

You tilt your head back to look sleepily at your handsome boyfriend, “What are you doing here, Tim?”

“I’m here to take care of you, baby,” Tim says matter-of-factly, “You’re not getting well fast enough for my liking – I’m missing you too much.”

You melt a little at Tim’s puppy dog look, but sigh, “Baby, I miss you so much, too.  But if you’re here, you could get sick.”

Tim presses a soft kiss to your hot forehead, “Shutterbug, when we live together, we won’t be able to escape the other person when one of us is sick.”

Your gasp transitions into a cough and you have to wait until your throat clears before you ask, astounded, “You want to live with me?  Even with all this snot?”

Tim nods as if to say, even with all this snot, adding, “Only if you want, Shutterbug.”

You wonder how long he’s been thinking about this, “When were you thinking would be the right time for you to move in?”

Very aware that you haven’t actually agreed to live with him, Tim answers with truthful, but carefully chosen words, “I’m ready whenever, if ever, you’re ready, baby.”

You look up at Tim wide-eyed, trying to make sure that he means it - that he’s serious about taking this next step in your relationship; when you see nothing but eagerness in the softness of his eyes and the steadiness in his bright, reassuring smile, you throw your arms around Tim’s neck, germs be damned, “I’m ready, Detective!! As soon as I’m better, please move all your stuff in!”

Tim hugs you back tighter than he probably should - absolutely over the moon that he’s never going to have to leave your side again, that he and the woman he loves are going to make a home together.  So lost in his own reverie, he’s jolted back when you let out a whimper of pain, “Oh fuck, Shutterbug, did I hurt you?”

Shaking your head, you’re still beaming at your considerate boyfriend, “No, I’m just achy all over, all the time.  You could never hurt me, Tim.”  You genuinely believe this with all your heart.

“How about I run you a bath with these bath salts I bought and you have a nice warm soak while the lasagna heats up?” offers Tim.

“Will you sit with me while I’m in the bath, Detective?”

“Of course, gorgeous.”

“And we can make plans for the big move in?” You grin, eyes twinkling - you haven’t felt this energized in days.

“Nothing I would like more, baby,” Tim smiles as he hands you the plushie cat he bought you, grinning even wider when you squeal with excitement and crush the stuffed animal to your chest in elation.

You titter with happiness, grabbing Tim’s hand to lead him towards the bedroom. But when he doesn’t come readily, you turn back and to your confusion, you see Tim wincing, the hand not in yours reaching behind to press against his lower back as he arches in a painful stretch.

Eyes narrowing, you place the hand that’s still clutching Cassie the Nurse on your hip and tilt your head suspiciously, “Timothy. Where have you been sleeping?”

Btw this is Cassie the Nurse:

[sexiestpodcastcharacter]

Sexiest Podcast Character — Scripted Bracket — Round 3

Propaganda

Peter Nureyev (The Penumbra Podcast: Juno Steel):

His character is the reason the term "Homme Fatale" became a thing

Homme fatale, living by the mantra of be gay, do crime. V secretive and just the right amount of flirty. Also I love him

He’s a slutty master thief who slept with a detective he went on 1 date(murder case) with and then fell ass over tea kettle in love. Literally can’t think of anything sexier

Antigone Funn (Wooden Overcoats):

An extremely agoraphobic mortician of a local funeral home who has every disease. Nervous wreck. Makes noises when stressed. An artist at heart (her embalming fluid is imbued with the fragrance of cinnamon).

she's the goth gf of your dreams. she's an undertaker, a romance novelist, a hot air balloon pilot, and she has interiority for days

It's antigone or unfollow me

please, everyone, antigone deserves this. she ghost-wrote a wildly successful erotic novel and then faked the death of the fake author. she didn’t leave her house for 17 years except to go see horny french films every thursday. she accidentally ended up in a love triangle with a hot domme lesbian circus ringmaster and her own employee. she broke up with a doctor after one date because he didn’t respect her career (and also his parrot hated her). she experienced years of carnal yearning for her professional rival only to finally realize she was actually okay on her own. she drinks embalming fluid. she thinks of funerals as an art form. she was diagnosed with depression as an infant. she wanted to be a clown when she grew up. her hero is a historical female scientist who has a statue with her tits out. she’s been attacked by owls. a bunch of children thought she was a forest witch. the rest of the village thought she was dead. she has committed multiple counts of breaking and entering. she designed artisanal chocolates that put you in a temporary coma. she can’t eat her own chocolates because she’s allergic to everything. she attracts shadows like a magnet. she’s a woman in STEM. if you have any love in your heart for goth weirdgirls you’ll do the right thing. ANTIGONE SWEEP

GUYS PLEASE

PLEASE VOTE FOR ANTIGONE!!!!!

CMON DON’T LET MY GIRL “CANNONICALLY WANTED BY EVERYONE ON THIS ISLAND” LOSE!!!

Considering committing voter fraud for Antigone. My girl 😔

Vote Antigone because do you understand how narratively satisfying it would be if she won??? Season one? She could barely go outside her mortuary. Season four? Modeling for a sexy calendar. THE CHARACTER GROWTH!!!!!!! Nothing more sexy than that.

COME ON Y'ALL VOTE ANTIGONE. VOTE FOR MY HORNY GOTH QUEEN!!!!!

VOTE ANTIGONE OR DIE

IF YALL DONT VOTE ANTIGONE UR BLOCKED. This isn’t even a joke.

[eardefenders]

Sherlock & Co - Mailbag Episode 2 Transcript

00:00-00:30 Intro Music

00:27-00:34 *Sounds of a violin playing fade in*

00:34 Sherlock: You see? You see what I mean?

00:37 John: I…don’t.

00:39 Sherlock: Listen! *scoffs* Listen, closely this time. Shh. *resumes playing the bit from the fade in*

00:43 John: Argh. *pause* For God’s sake.

*Sherlock keeps playing*

00:46 John: Sherlock, please mate. We’ve got questions to get through here.

*Sherlock keeps playing*

00:52 John: Maaaate. Matey, mate mate mate mate.

00:55 Sherlock: Did you hear it this time?

00:57 John: Yeah. Sure. Uhh, right. So let’s dive into the discord chat. The brand spanking new discord for Sherlock and Co members. Brimming with Stamfords, Irregulars, and Diogene-sohmy God. There’s thousands of messages. Um, right. Should probably been keeping tabs on those questions. All right I’m going to scroll up and pick one f-from um the sssixteenth of January. Here we go! Come on down…IdleVice! Uh, your question is, “If you could make a Spotify playlist for each other of your own favorite songs, what would some of the highlights be and would you be willing to share the playlists with us. Ooh hoohoho. Uuuhhm. I don’t know if I’d ever get around to actually, y’know, putting the playlist together, as, as such, but what I-I would get Sherlock to listen to. Ummm mmmm probably Elbow? Elbow are a band from the north of England. Uh, Salford I think. But they have, uh, a few strings sort of. I-I don’t know what it’s called-but, elements that involve violins. Um, and all that jazz. Heh. Uh well not jazz! Uh, literally, not jazz. Uh, yeah, Sherlock, what about me?

02:07 Sherlock: Hm?

02:08 John: If you could make a playlist of songs for me what would it be?

02:12 Sherlock: I probably would never do that, Watson.

02:16 John: Okay. Uh, could you expand on that?

02:19 Sherlock: It’s a task that I wouldn’t find that fulfil-Vivaldi.

02:23 John: Uhh, right. Vivaldi. Yep. Anything else pop into mind?

02:29 Sherlock: Pop.

02:31 John: Pop? Is that-what’s that?

02:33 Sherlock: It’s a genre of music.

02:35 John: Uh, right, you’d make a pop playlist for me?

02:38 Sherlock: I’d probably enlist Mrs. Hudson to do that.

02:41 John: Fair enough. And why pop?

02:43 Sherlock: Because it’s an abbreviation for ‘popular music’.

02:45 John: No, I know that.

02:47 Sherlock: You like popular culture, therefore pop music could very well be your cup of green tea.

02:54 John: It’s, it’s just cup of tea. Bu-uh-uh, well, okay, uh, thank you for that. Uh, back to the discord dudes and dudettes. Um, not that I was implying any kind of masculine energy to the use of the word dudes. Dudes will remain, uh, um, an-an-an-androgynous here. My…dudes. Bit like the word mate! I do throw it around. Ummm. Some people just think it’s for blokes. Don’t know why. Uh, anyway. Here we go. Leaf-onk, layff, layfonk? I hope I’m saying that right. Uh, Leif-Leif*onk* asks, ‘Has Sherlock ever hit a vape?”

03:28 Sherlock: Yes.

03:29 John: Lovely. They’d also like to know the flavor.

03:31 Sherlock: Menthol.

03:32 John: D-do you want to expand?

03:35 Sherlock: Mm, not really.

03:37 John: Did you like it?

03:38 Sherlock: It was satisfactory, I suppose.

03:41 John: *sighs* Another thrilling q and a session with the master detective. Here we go! Number one archie fan-He-he-heeyyy! Archie! Found your number one fan mate. Heh. Think they also go by potpourri. Not sure. Don’t really know how discord works because I was born in 1989. Anyway! Number one Archie fan asks, do you have a favorite classical piece? Or a favorite composer, perhaps?

04:05 Sherlock: Mozart, generally. Can often be tied to my mood. What about Vivaldi? You said Vivaldi earlier?

04:12 Sherlock: That was a recommendation to you.

04:14 John: But not you?

04:14 Sherlock: Definitely not.

04:16 John: Great.

04:17 Sherlock: Uh, Mozart, Bach, Tchaikovsky. But I am often driven by whatever phase I feel I’m in.

04:23 John: And we’re in a Mozart phase now, are we?

04:26 Sherlock: We are indeed.

04:27 John: Fab. Right, uh, Reeonk asks-ohkay, ok, I see what you’re doing now. Cause of. Cause of Jonk. Okahaha. Let’s all laugh at Jonk-John, I mean.

04:40 Sherlock: *laughs*

04:41 John (affectionately): Oh, ge-Shut up, you big idiot.

04:44 Sherlock: *still laughing*

04:45 John (affectionately annoyed): Shut it. Ha. Uhhhh, we’ll cut that bit. I swear to God. Right! Reonk, who I think also goes by Perfo, if I click here. But yes, as I was saying, millennial at the wheel. Sorry. Reonk’s first question, “Hey John, if you were an animal, what animal would you be?” Uhhhum, *clicks tongue* look, I’ve got to be something airborne. Um, uh I’m sorry, but I have to. Y-y-you can’t have the chance to fly and turn it down, so, uh, I’m a bird.

05:09 Sherlock: Or a bug.

05:10 John: S-s-sorry?

05:11 Sherlock: Bugs. Insects. They’re airborne. Hm, as is some bacteria.

05:16 John: Great, yeah. Let me just decide between a gnat and a germ.

05:19 Sherlock: By all means. Take your time.

05:21 John: I’m being sarcastic. I’m not a bug and I’m not bloody…germs. I’m. *sighs* I mean it’s too much pressure being an eagle, isn’t it. Um, *clicks tongue three times* I don’t want to be something that’s crap at flying, like a swan or a goose or something. Shoutout to Heather, by the way. Ehhh, aw come on John, come on John. Um. Ooo! Tell you what. Now this is going to sound stupid, but if it was my brain in the animal-

05:47 Sherlock: Yes, this is going to sound stupid.

05:49 John: Shh-sh-shh. Yes, if it was me. In the animal. I’m going pigeon.

05:54 Sherlock: Pigeon?

05:55 John: Pigeon. Ehh? Right, listen, ok. I can still live in the city. I cou-I could even live in my room, really.

06:01 Sherlock: You absolutely cannot.

06:03 John: What? Why not?

06:04 Sherlock: I’m not flatsharing with a bloody pigeon, Watson.

06:06 John: It’s me.

06:07 Sherlock: Yes, in the body of a pigeon.

06:09 John: Listen, let me finish my point. I’m a pigeon. I’ve got my room. I can fly about London, y’know? See all the sites, dive bomb some tourists, do a little poo on the House of Commons. I could nick a bit of decent grub. Yeah, go on walks with Archie and Mariana in the park. And no one is the wiser. If I was an eagle or a, y’know, like an albatross, I couldn’t do that, could I? No? It’d be great flying across town, even take the tube. Saw a pigeon on the tube the other day.

06:39 Sherlock: Yes, you said. Twice.

06:41 John: I could look through people’s windows, you know go in their gardens, on their patios….That makes me sound creepy, doesn’t it? Ah, pigeon! *clears his throat* The answer is pigeon. Second question, “What kitchen appliance would you be?” *clicks tongue twice and sucks air in thorough his teeth* Hm. Not being a microwave. No way, don’t get cleaned enough and, uh, having curries and bloody pizzas blowing up inside me, geezus. Uh, fridge. Maybe. Mmm, but I’d see a lot of rotting food, wouldn’t I? Especially if people are away for a while. Probably go with something fun, y’know something where I come out of the pantry or the, y’know, the cupboard or whatever, and all the family go ‘yaayyy, heyhey here he is!’-Wafflemaker, I’d be a wafflemaker. Everyone loves waffles. No one’s getting board of me. I’m getting cleaned. Perfect. Pigeon and a wafflemaker. Ha! That’s not a bad name for our band, eh Sherlock?

07:32 Sherlock: We’re not making a band.

07:33 John: Yeahhh, it was a joke. Right! It’s biscuit time! Saren says ‘Question for Sherlock: What kind of biscuits are, in your opinion, the best?

07:42: *sound of someone walking away*

07:43 John: Uhh, what’re you doing?

07:44 Sherlock: Answering the question.

07:44 John: Well, that would involve sitting down and talking into the mic.

07:48 Sherlock *sound of papers*: Here.

07:49 John: This…is an essay….on biscuits.

07:52 Sherlock: Yes.

07:54 John: By you.

07:55 Sherlock: Yes.

07:56 John: Okay.

07:58 Sherlock: Well, read it. My findings are in there.

08:01 John: Whaaa…it’s thirty-nine pages long.

08:03 Sherlock: Indeed.

08:04 John: Thi-this is supposed to be a snappy question and answer segment. Y’know it’s supposed to be a patreon reward, not a bloody punishment. *sarcastically* ‘Aww thanks for giving six quid everybody, here’s an eleven hour lecture on biscuits.’

08:15 Sherlock: They asked the question.

08:16 John: Right, ok. So, uh, he was eating a lot of custard creams the other day. Um, for those of you who aren’t British, uh, a custard cream is, uh, a sort of sandwich structured biscuit, wouldn’t’cha say?

08:26 Sherlock: Correct. Yes. A sandwich in structure. Two light shortbread pieces acting as the bread. Often stamped with a Victorian inspired Baroque design. And the filling was once a buttercream, but now is a custard flavored cream based on vanilla custard. Not egg custard.

08:43 John: Right, yeah. It’s, it’s that. Um, they’re nice. They are nice. Very moreish. Um, Ellionk, or Ellie, I think, when they’re not ‘Onk’ified, want’s to know ‘Favorite Supermarket: Tesco or Sainsbury’s?’ Um, well, both have gone downhill in recent years, I have to say. So, I’m going to go for neither and say co-op. Yeah, cause every now and again you find a really really good one. But if I’m in fantasy land, it’s M&S Foods or Waitrose. *clicks tongue* Yeah. Uh, there’s a chemistry question here from Ranger Pip which I don’t even begin to understand, so I’m going to move on. Sorry, Ranger Pip.

09:18 John (cont.): Right, last one! ‘Question for possibly John or Sherlock, not sure, lol. What is the story behind the theme tune. Just have to say whoever composed it, the musicians need an award and a shoutout on the podcast.’ Uh, yeah, well it’s a great theme tune, isn’t it? It really is. It’s called ‘Mad Prodigy’. *clears his throat pointedly*

09:39 Sherlock: Why are you making that noise?

09:41 John: Ah well, just saying mate.

09:43 Sherlock: I’m not mad. Or a prodigy.

09:46 John: Hey, uh, I-I’m not saying anything. Um, yeah, it’s it’s by a guy called Jody Jenkins. Uhhh, the reason why I don’t release it like some people asked me to is because it’s owned by a royalty free site. Um, *clicks tongue* the reason why Jody Jenkins doesn’t release it, is the same reason. I-it’s owned by a royalty free site. Uh, that’s generally how they work. I-I pay a fee. Well. Goalhanger pay a fee, use the track, and it belongs too…yeah. Audio Network. Um, I think he’s fab, yeah. But as far as crediting him out loud on the podcast, um, some artists don’t want royalty free work assigned to them. Um, they just do it for a paycheck. Some do. I don’t know him obviously and of course, I-I could piss off the company that actually owns the audio if I just mention him and uh, not-

10:34: *phone vibrates*

10:36 John: Message from Mariana. ‘You’re waffling. These people are paying us their hard earned money.’ Right! Soundproofing in these old houses aren’t what they used to be, are they? Um, *clicks tongue* yeah that’s the reason songwise. Nothing for or against Jody Jenkins. I’m just playing it safe cause these things s-scare me. *chuckles* Corporations and blech, yeah. Uh, horrible stuff.

10:54: *phone vibrates*

10:55 John: Um, message from Mariana. Right, yeah, I’m gonna wrap this up. Uh, thanks for your questions my lovely friends, we’ll be back soon. And, now to play us out, the one and only, Sherlock Holmes.

11:08 Sherlock: What?

11:08 John: Play! Play a song!

11:10 Sherlock *pleased*: Oh. Excellent! Uh, okay. Here we go!

11:14: *violin playing starts up*

11:17 John: Bye bye guys!

11:32: *sherlock’s violin playing cuts into Mad Prodigy

11:32-12:02 *Mad Prodigy carries us out to the end*