#the sooner you come to terms with how you changing as a person also changes what you like the better off you'll be

[gentleoverdrive]

[June/1 of 3] We'll Start Again!

I think it's fine to have a thing that we like but it either has quote-unquote "problematic" elements or it was made by shitheads. For example, I still really love a lot of movies written and/or directed by Paul Schrader despite the fact he's become (or maybe always was in spirit? lol) a facebook uncle. ---- I still love a lot of Deftones' music despite the fact that they were pricks to Sergio Vega behind the scenes and Stef Carpenter is/was (apparently still is) an anti-vaxxer + flat-earther. Same goes for Fear Factory and Dino being very prone to butting heads with people + being more than a bit controlling (I've heard that he's mellowed out considerably now that he's older) ---- At the same time, it's also fine to disown media or people that you loved but that the creator/performers proved shitty beyond repair and it has tainted your perception of the piece of media, like it happened with a lot of people and Lostprophets (tw: SA, CSA) me with Radiohead, etc. ---- Just... like, remember that people can be flawed, and shitty; hell, sometimes your tastes just change, and it's fine. You can like something even if it came at the expense of horrible circumstances/people making it. Or you can stop liking it if it's a dealbreaker. Again, this isn't me chastising anybody, it's just about you knowing when to think about a thing and how not to waste time or energy on something that, truth be told, rarely is ever worth it. ---- Does that make a little bit of sense? Is this just another fucking writing exercise without any rhyme, reason or purpose? Who knows. Be excellent to yourselves and one another. Laterz!

[cannibalisticskittles]

so much of the wigmaker's job continues to stay with me but especially this bit.

like. do you think illario hearing lucanis brush off the possibility of his death again and again contributed to illario giving lucanis to zara.

because yes, of course there's jealousy. of course there is. lucanis is primed to get everything illario wants and nothing illario does seems to change that in the slightest. he can never be good enough, not when there's lucanis to measure up to.

but. not only does lucanis not actually want what's coming his way (he does not at all want to be first talon but they both know caterina DOES want this and lucanis could never tell her no), he's also throwing himself into these jobs with such disregard for his personal safety that there's a sense of inevitability that surrounds the idea of his death.

this conversation feels like... it may not have been discussed like this so clearly before, but they've at least poked around the edges in the past. thought about it. and this moment might have been a turning point, in a way -- illario coming to terms with the fact that lucanis really just will. not. stop. for ANYTHING. his cousin WILL get himself killed doing this and lucanis won’t have any regrets. he’ll leave illario to go this alone. (no one to follow after anymore.)

i wonder if he started to think -- if lucanis is going to die anyway, maybe it’d be better to have that happen sooner, rather than later.

lucanis wouldn’t be happy as first talon (+ honestly, maybe this part is a stretch, but illario seems to see that what lucanis is NOW isn’t so much ‘happy’ as it is ‘obedient and content to accept the scraps that gives him’), and he’s GOING to get himself killed doing this, anyway…

so yeah, he could wait it out. wait for lucanis to do something foolish enough that he can't just walk away from it. maybe he’ll even last long enough to be made first talon (if caterina can bear to loosen her grip from the title) and be miserable for a while. years even, maybe! before lucanis, again, does something he can’t walk away from.

or.

illario could cut through all the pointless waiting and get right to the point. go straight to where this was always going to end up. and if illario is in charge of this, maybe he can benefit from it, and salvage one good thing from this whole mess, instead of being caught up in it later down the line.

(which then might tread into the territory of anticipated grief, too – lucanis' loss will be agony, but, if illario controls when and how it happens, he can control his grief. …except he hadn’t accepted the inevitability of lucanis’ death quite as well as he’d thought and when he gets sloshed at the wake, real grief seeps through the cracks)

just... something about this conversation. both of them viewing lucanis’ death as a foregone conclusion. lucanis accepting that easily, and illario struggling with that more -- and maybe having that shape his actions. not exactly a healthy expression of grief, but since when has anything this family done been healthy?

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

I wish women did not feel so strongly about the fact men, on average, are physically stronger than them. I feel like women have such negative feelings about this that it drives them to ridiculousness. Listen, I get it. I get it, I get it, I get it. The fact men are stronger is frightening. It’s scary to know that if a man decided to physically attack you then you are probably fucked. The USWNT, women who have spent years honing their skills on the field, lost to teenage boys who—when compared to the women—were basically just beginning to develop their talents. I understand how demeaning that can feel to every woman who hears this fact. I can imagine how demeaning it was for the USWNT. I’m sure every woman has been in a situation, playful or threatening, where they have tested their strength against a man and lost miserably. I’ve seen videos where women hit and slapped men with genuine rage and fury and the man barely even flinched. I understand how embarrassing and scary it can be to come to terms with the strength disparity between men and women, but you simply must come to terms with it. Far too many women have taken to pretending that it's not there—this is not a good approach.

Women choose to pretend it's not there because acknowledging that it's there makes them feel inferior. I ask women to remember that this world was built with the ideals of men in mind and to cater to their specific strengths. Men value strength and violence so of course the world is going to seem like those two things are all that’s valued in it. It's no coincidence that many male heroes are physically strong/easily able to cause harm—such as Naruto or John Wick or the Avengers. Of course it feels shitty, as a woman who inhabits this world, to have to acknowledge that your biology generally prevents you from being able to have the ‘can beat anyone in a fight’ type of strength that gets constantly praised.

However, I implore women to consider that men being physically stronger than them is no more of a significant fact than women being able to give birth while men cannot. Women also have biological advantages over men but when was the last time you saw a man calling himself inferior because of them? Imagine if the world was built with female advantages in mind. Imagine a world where the ability to give birth was seen as some sort of pinnacle of human worth. I mean, the ability to give birth is crazy. You are literally creating a whole new life. The female body is capable of providing the necessary tools to bring about a whole new person. Every brain that has thought of something life changing and every hand that has built something new was brought into existence by a woman’s reproductive system. Every single person that has ever so much as breathed was brought to life by a woman, but men never think women are superior for this fact.

Oh, but women couldn’t get pregnant without men, right? No. IVF exists. But even without it, the correct thing to say would be that women cannot get pregnant without sperm. A woman can get artificially inseminated. She never has to go out and find a man to have sex with. Is that not an advantage? Because, I mean, what can a man do if he wants to have a child but no woman is willing to give him one? Hire a surrogate? That comes with a list of complications, is far more intimate than artificial insemination, and is incredibly expensive. How is that not a disadvantage of being male? You may be thinking that you, as a woman, never want to become pregnant, but that is not the point!  The point is that it's arbitrary to look at biological advantages as anything other than completely neutral.

Women also survive famine better and live longer than men. Imagine a world where women held this over men’s heads? But we don’t live in that world. In this world, I’m certain a man would say that they die sooner because of being braver, taking more risks, and doing dangerous jobs. However, if it were women putting themselves in danger and dying as a result, men would not be quick to call us brave; they'd call us the opposite. Idiotic. Foolhardy. Too stupid to take the necessary precautions to keep ourselves alive.

It is just so painful to see women lamenting over the physical disparity between men and women. Let it go. Consider being neutral on the subject of biological advantage. Consider that male strength isn't something to pretend doesn't exist and isn’t something that proves women are inferior.

I understand that acknowledging vulnerability is against the survival Instinct—I get it—but come on. How can we let this get to a point where we’re saying it’s okay for males to enter female sports and beat the absolute crap out of/wipe the floor with women? Them being stronger is neutral! It does not mean anything! But it’s fact. Pretending it’s not only serves to put women in a losing position. Pretending it’s not only serves to make women into a laughing stock. Men will gladly collect medals that belong to women—they’ve been doing that forever. If there was no reason for male and female leagues then there wouldn’t be any. You cannot deny your way into something being true. I also wish it were true that the average woman was evenly matched against the average man, but it’s simply not reality. In the same way that it’s not reality that the average woman is taller than the average man.

I am begging women to think neutrally about this topic instead of being in such deep turmoil over it that they open the door for men to walk all over us.

[bravo4iscool]

Hii, this this the person talkin about chubbier Simon! Give me a sec and let me set the stage for you,

Simon Riley x 141!reader whos on military leave to cope after a particularly hard mission. Reader finds a way of coping and expressing their love to simon through the art of cooking for him constantly. (i come from largely a guyanese and indian family so everyday theres always good food on the table) So we all know this man can eat ALOT (he needs to maintain his girlish figure after all😌lmao) So i can just IMAGINE him eating all the stews, curries, roti and rice (or whatever culture/country reader comes from)he can get his hands on! He would have such an appreciation for food from working in the military so long and having limited food he could eat. So going from a man of pure slabs of muscle to slabs of muscle but WITH softer abs he gets a little self conscious but he sees the benifits that hes getting alot with a great meal everyday and how his reader ogles him everyday hes starts to like the change. (Theres actually more benefits for having muscle and fat than just pure muscle!! When you see bodybuilders with just pure muscle the muscles in their whole body are constricted causing cramps and alot more muscle pulling in day to day life compared to heavy weight lifters who many not look as muscular but can lift much more while still having a strong core and overall more power)

Sorry to ramble and run but this has been rattling my brain. Have a great day and remember to drink water♡

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS OMG!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ASK!!! i‘m sorry i wasn’t able to answer it any sooner, i‘m in my last three weeks of school and it‘s kinda stressful🥲. i hope you can understand…

as someone who is russian-german i totally understand the whole food thing😭 (thats why reader will be russian-german lol. it‘s the only culture i really know about the food and all that (at least i think i know about the food🧍🏼). also, i do not know the english names of the food so i‘ll be using the terms i know.)

i hope you like this!!

(masterlist)

REQUESTS/ASKS OPEN!!!

„y‘cooking too good f‘me,“ simon mumbles as he puts his arms around your waist and pulls you into his chest. „‘m loosing all my muscles.“

you chuckle and turn your head to look at him. „that‘s not true! you‘re just developing a little more fluff.“ you smile and turn again to focus on the food you‘re preparing. „besides having muscles with a layer of fat is way healthier than just muscles.“ you can feel simon nod with his head rested on yours.

„what‘re y‘makin‘?“

„pelmeni,“ you answer, skilfully sticking the dough together so the meat would stay inside while you cook them. „i haven‘t made them for you till now.“

simon lowers his head so it‘s beside yours and examines the dough and meat in front of you. „thought we a’ready had ‘em two weeks ago?“

you shake your head and lick your bottom lip, trying to concentrate. „that were manti simon. they are made like…mochis. pelmeni are cooked in water.“

simon doesn‘t say anything and buries his nose in your neck. „t‘boys will laugh a‘me when we return,“ he mumbles as his lips ghost over your skin to leave little kisses.

„they won‘t,“ you protest and slightly slap his arm. „if anything they will be jealous!“ you dust your hands off and turn around in his arms. he looks at you and you start to frown. „you are not…insecure, are you?“ when simon just blinks at you without answering you take his face into your hands.

„you, simon riley, do not need to be insecure because you’re eating good. you’re not getting fat or losing muscles. if anything, you’re only getting healthier because the army food is total garbage and you’re finally getting some real food,“ you try to explain, withstanding his gaze the whole time. „don‘t beat yourself up over stuff like this.“ your voice is gentle as you caress his scarred face with your thumbs. „you deserve something good life. let me be that something.“

silence follows after you‘re done talking and you could swear you saw a tear in simon‘s eye but then he blinks and it is gone. „i don‘t deserve ya,“ he whispers, pulling you close again. „i don‘t deserve ya…“

„oh, but you do,“ you smile as you pull him down to press a gentle kiss on his lips. „you do deserve me and you also deserve my food.“ you put your arms around his waist and hug him. he does the same, keeping you close to him. he rests his head on yours and closes his eyes. he just wants to savour this moment…

[nebbyy]

How do you think Baldwin would act if he saw the immodest clothing that we consider normal today? Like if he meet reader from the future our times and saw what she was wearing?? I feel like it would be super interesting to see

Mmmmh that's a great question.

I think that on first impact he'd be quite baffled, like that would be considered underwear in Medieval times so you can see why he'd react like that.

Being the gentleman and virtuous man he is, he would opt to avoid the sight himself to not "fall into temptation", but I also see him as gently suggesting you wear something more... modest.

Now, depending on the scenario it could go two ways: either you from the future traveled back to 12th century Jerusalem or he traveled in the future to wherever you live.

In the first case, it'd be quite hard to convince him that what you're wearing is deemed as normal in your times. Well, it would probably be hard to convince him that you're from the future in the first place.

The second scenario would be... quite more shocking for Baldwin, but it would lead to some clarifiacations much much sooner. I mean, you could take him outside for a walk and he'd soon realize that EVERYONE dresses like this now (or at least most people).

And that walk around your town would be so funny to see because Baldwin would be refusing to look anywhere but the ground for a good half hour before you convince him that it's not sinful to just see what other people are wearing!

But I must say, in both scenarios he'd come to terms with the fact that time changes things, and clothes are probably the quickest thing to change since the beginning of time. He wouldn't judge you for what you wear, he'd only get an idea for you based on your personality and your mind. After all, his own condition has taken almost all prejudice he could have based on appearances.

[chevelleneech]

Chan and Felix’s dynamic is going to get sooooo interesting once the other members enlist. Because SKZ don’t have the “luxury” of enlisting one at a time really, since of the six who have to go: three are born in the same year, and it wouldn’t make sense for Minho and Changbin to go separately since they’re only a year apart, nor for I.N to all go last since he’s only a year younger than the three who have to go all at once. So it doesn’t make sense to stagger their enlistments starting either next year or 2026, all the way through to 2029. It makes the most sense for them to go by the end of 2025 if I’m being honest, because 1) BTS returns next year and that’s be there biggest competition.

They’re doing very very well and I don’t think that will change, but from a business standpoint, I’d want to give the most anticipated group comeback breathing room. I wouldn’t want to put my current moneymakers in the ring, so that I can also watch and see where their competition sinks or soars in terms of their big return. That way, when it’s time for me to bring my group back, I’ll know what key points to hit or sidestep. It will also help that Chan and Felix do not have to enlist, so encouraging the others to go sooner than later means using their current hype and whatever more they gain in 2025, to propel Chanlix into the western market. I’d try to get them more brand deals, collabs, film/tv roles, etc.

Then 2) it’ll get the enlistment out the way before anyone in the group hits 30. They’re a fairly young group, and while Chan will be turning 30 the year they come back, the others will be 29-26. So they’ll mean they get to do a 30th birthday bash AND a welcome back, which is also really goo business.

Anyway, I got lost in my original point, lol. I think it’s going to be super interesting to see how Chan and Felix react regardless of when the others enlist, because I can’t imagine they’d go radio silent. They can’t, if they want to keep SKZ at the top of conversations, the same way BTS filmed a shitload of advance content and pre-recorded albums to be released while away. SKZ can and likely will do that too, they have a much better opportunity to promote in person, but they won’t be able to actually perform 8-piece songs. So I’m curious if we’ll get them doing a subunit album, and if so… what will that look like? Because their chemistry is actually insane, and they’ll have to figure out a way to Chanlix it up. Which is kind of impossible for them, lol.

So yeah, I’m truly very intrigued. Because the two of them really don’t know how to act normal about each other. And I’m not saying they are without a doubt dating, because they really do confound me on a daily basis, but I do genuinely think there is a vibe between them that they’re both well aware of, as is everyone else. The only way to avoid their vibe becoming significantly more obvious is by staggering enlistments or completely removing them from each others orbit during a full six enlistment, but I don’t see how either option benefits the group.

Pulling Chan and Felix apart for 18 months minimum would be ridiculous, because fate literally put them together, lol. Their home, work, and family lives overlap in both Seoul and Sydney, so what would be the excuse? For a year and a half, anyway? Six months? Sure, they’ve busy doing separate things in separate countries and their schedules overlapped whenever they were in the same country. Anything longer than that would be a serious reach, because we know for a fact how close they are. They’ve said not. Other members have said, so even if you narrow the group number down to three or four others they have to “share” each other with, it will still drastically change their dynamic.

I don’t know. I’m talking a lot here about a hypothetical scenario at the moment, but I think it’s I because I’m thinking of how Jimin and Jungkook’s enlistment went. They applied for and were chosen for the buddy system, but they also filmed a travel series to spend time together before leaving, and it showed a side of them that surprised me. Yes, I ship them and think they have something going on, but they were so comfortable with each other. So I guess I’m scared almost, if I’m being honest. Because again, I didn’t anticipate any of what was seen in Are You Sure? (Aside from their trip to Jeju), and walked away from it being like, “Damn. They really are comfortable-comfortable with each other.” Completely at peace just existing around one another, and I feel like that’s what we’ll see from Chan and Felix.

Because we see a lot of that ease and peace on Chan’s face in particular when he’s talking about Felix or simply looking at him exist. It’s almost overwhelming already the way you can feel his love and admiration, same from Felix. He’s more of a verbal guy than a stop and stare, but still. They have six other members to use to deflect such a blinding light, that I am intrigued, scared, and nervous about how their dynamic will come across when it’s just them. Traveling, working, or talking about each other without a buffer.

[baohanhanesel]

Father TF141 and GN Reader.

Summary: You tell them you have a long-term boyfriend.

Mentioned: Simon Ghost Riley, John Soap Mactavish, Captain John Price, Kyle Gaz Garrick.

Simon Ghost Riley acted like he didn't hear you at first. You were silent for a good few minutes, waiting for him to tell you what he was thinking about. He never spoke. So you told him again, just to make sure he heard you. Of course he did, he was just acting like he hadn't. This time he did raise his head to look up at you but kept his silence. "No." was all he said. You were confused but you wouldn't push it. Seeing as he was dead silent unsettled you. You chose to ignore the conversation you both just had. You left the room just like that, confused and equally worried.

You tried to talk about your boyfriend again, given your father would have to see him sooner or later. What you got back as an answer was for you to make a promise that you wouldn't move in with him. For Ghost, you were the most important thing in his life. You were his baby, even though he didn't like to baby you most of the time. He wouldn't let you forget you had a brick of a father behind you in your every decision even if he didn't like them.

John Soap Mactavish felt betrayed at first. You were his little bundle of joy and you had another man in your life. How did he never notice the changes in you? He would think about it and feel sad that his little bird finally found a partner. As much as he was a bit bitter about it he trusted your judgement since the relationship was long-term. You must have been serious about whoever that was. But just to have everything safe he requested (very gently) that you call your boyfriend and tell him he'll meet your father tomorrow. He also specifically told you he wants to be alone with the lad.

So you did as you were told, you wouldn't stop your own father from protecting you from a guy he didn't know.

Captain John Price listened to you intently. He didn't find anything wrong with having a boyfriend at that age. You needed experience one way or another after all. He wouldn't control you, but he sure would keep an eye on you. He wanted to meet the dude as soon as possible and left the date up to you. He reminded you that he was right here if things went south. That he did not care about your boyfriend and that you always came first. He also specifically told you if he didn't like the boy you would break up with him.

He did trust your judgement but for Price it didn't matter if you knew someone for seven years or for one. Betrayal didn't have requirements. You understood what he said. He wanted to protect you from harm, you knew. You wouldn't reap him out of that right. He grew you into the person you are now, you had no right to tell him his opinion didn't matter. If Price didn't like someone he had a reason. If he didn't like the person you've been dating that would mean he knew something. You knew that Price would like your lover just fine anyways. You of course already thought about his opinion before starting a relationship this serious after all.

Kyle Gaz Garrick was a bit bitter at first. Hearing a man's name from your mouth. He had never thought that this day could come. He didn't say much, he only told you that he trusted your judgement and that you could tell him about anything. He'd allow it. Be knew you wouldn't choose someone who wouldn't treat you right. Inside? He'd pray you don't bring that man into your family.

He wouldn't like him even if he was the most perfect man to live in this world. Nothing could have him like that guy. Not even if you married him. You were his only priority. And if he had done you a wrong, Gaz would be quick to put him in his place if you wouldn't.

[batsplat]

“the issue was that valentino had thought that he could fix that bike - and while obviously he did influence that project, it was still several years away from being particularly close to being fixed. those two years are all about frustration, of trying to make changes to the bike and nothing working... which was enough to make valentino willing to accept yamaha's terms as long as he could get back to a point where he was competitive again. because he had begun to doubt himself, because after two miserable years of injury, a bike that oscillated between throwing him off and just being slow, the tragedy he and the sport suffered at sepang 2011... well, more than anything else, he just wanted to enjoy himself again”

sorry to copy whole chunks of your work into your inbox and idk if you meant it to sound this way or if it’s an accident but reading this part you could have also been talking about marc’s last years at honda (heartache! my god, my chest twisted) and his switch to ducati and it’s rather interesting… that this happened at almost the same age for them… through almost the same situation………. idk, as different as they sometimes seem, it’s almost like they are meant to be viewed as two versions of the same

(x) maybe a teensy bit on purpose lol

yeah, look, obviously there's plenty of notable differences between the two situations - from how serious the injury was to the personal tragedy valentino went through during that time to the disparity in their ages (three years doesn't sound like a lot but in this sport it kinda is). personally, I didn't really doubt that much that marc could be a title contender again, but from the way he speaks about it, talking during this last presser that he was considering retirement at assen last year... look, some of the stuff early this year was expectation management and of course he's perfectly capable of lying about this stuff, but he very obviously did have some serious doubts about the extent to which he could be competitive again. this is the thing, right... he just hadn't been able to fight at the front of the field for so long, plus he was on a bike that is just ideal for slowly stripping away the confidence of a rider. if you're constantly unexpectedly crashing because you just can't trust the feedback you're getting from the bike, that's just psychologically incredibly tough to deal with (incidentally broadly an accurate description of the ducati during the early 2010s)

which is where the parallels with valentino really do come in, don't they... it's the confidence, the way for the first time in their careers, it's really been systematically stripped down... all this self doubt, the way they're struggling to find themselves again. of course, they'd both gone through rough patches before - the 2006-07 period for valentino, 2015 for marc. they've had a few knocks, it's not as easy to shrug off injuries any more, they know there's no guarantee they'll measure up to the riders they once were. I compiled valentino talking about marc's injury here, but most relevant is how he compares it to his own 2010 injuries. so you have this in july 2020:

I think it's interesting that valentino acknowledges that it helped he knew his title charge was over after the broken leg, to force him to give it up and just focus on his recovery. it's easier, right - if he'd been in marc's situation, it's entirely possible he would've tried to race the following week too. I also think this is an interesting way of framing his actual recovery process, where he *checks notes* still came back way sooner than everyone expected,leading to speculation he didn't really believe his title charge was over - plus kept delaying surgery to the shoulder to the off-season even though it was very obviously hampering him, which then continued to be an issue the following year. like, okay, great job, you didn't try to ride a motogp bike WITH A BROKEN LEG, but also "I only thought about getting better" doesn't quite match up with your actions buddy

as valentino acknowledges, the sport does have a history of near-miraculous comebacks... I feel like these days people only remember 2010 and not the 2017 knock-off

and of course marc's ill-fated decision has to be seen within this context. the ways in which he was influenced by the comebacks from other riders in the past (the most famous of which is probably jorge assen 2013) and by how he himself had a habit of somewhat improbably recovery timelines after constant off-season surgery. from the vale race recs post *wink wink* *nudge nudge*:

valentino also compares his own mugello injury with marc's in september of 2020:

so you also get valentino agreeing with the parallel between honda's situation in 2004 and 2020. of course, the situation in 2004 wasn't as dramatic for honda - but in both cases, they went into that season fully expecting to win that title and instead found themselves underperforming and losing

moving on to comparing the injuries: valentino says his initial injury was worse, but it was marc doing the crazy fast comeback that really fucked him over (which is all true). he talks about why it's so tough... the "physical side" of the pain when you ride the bike but also "on a mental level if you have any fear". how this leaves a "mark on all riders". not particularly hard to draw any parallels here, he's already doing it for us

and lastly in november 2020, again with reference to his own 2010 injury:

talking about how eventually it becomes not just about the career but also about quality of life... how it was a tough period for him because he was just in constant pain... "sometimes you need time"... again, not really much to add, is there. the following years are a brutal double whammy of sorts: not only are you attempting to recover from your worst career injury, not only are there massive reasons why you're suffering (chronic pain, personal tragedy), but also you're suddenly uncompetitive in a way you've never been before in the premier class. you know there's a real possibility your time at the top of the sport is over... that even if you get back on a competitive bike, there's no guarantee you'll be able to come close again to being the rider you once were. you've ridden a bike that's gradually sapped your confidence, your ironclad trust in your own ability to be able to master any bike... you've spent so much time away from the top positions, and you've also made way more high profile mistakes that you had at any stage of your career. for valentino, the most memorable one is obviously jerez 2011 - which, yeah, you can write it off as just a dumb error in the wet, but it's not the kind he'd make if he didn't see this as his one chance to get a big result this early in the season with the crap bike and the crap shoulder (this is 'ambition outweighs talent'). for marc, it's silverstone 2021 (as martin says afterwards, "I hope he can learn from this one and improve for the future", which is great snark lol), portimao last year (y'know, the home crowd booing him)... arguably aragon 2022 the first lap, but that one's not quite as bad a misjudgement (admittedly, he maybe should've called it a day after the first collision). obviously, valentino was never a particularly crash-prone rider until he got on that ducati - but it's worth remembering marc wasn't really known for this kind of error, where he was collecting other riders and causing them both to crash. all of this isn't fun! it's also just kind of humiliating! they're used to so much success, and now they're getting barely any of that - while also occasionally having to go around apologising to other blokes for annoying errors they weren't really making back in the day!

then from marc's end, you've got this quote from 2014 (credit to this post):

of course, knowing marc, there's no way he's not thought about the parallels between his current situation and valentino's back in 2013. and, look, obviously it's not one to one. valentino was three years older back then, his injuries were serious but considerably less so than what marc went through, the competitive landscape looks completely different now than it did in 2013... but this isn't about drawing direct comparisons, it's more about the associated feelings for both of them... all this self doubt, all this pain, the way they just weren't having fun any more... this is the first order of priority, rediscovering the joy. personally I reckon they were being more or less sincere at the start of that journey in not primarily thinking about securing more titles. of course, that changes once they realise they can be competitive again... but while the doubt remains, it's not the main thing they're concerned with

that's the fun thing about qatar 2013, isn't it? there's no point in valentino's entire career where he would have been less invested in whether he ended up winning or losing a fight like that. the whole point wasn't the end result, it's that he was even capable of fighting like that again... of having fun again, battling with a top rider, with the star of tomorrow. given his weekend up to that point, he wouldn't even have been expecting to do so right before the race! really, beating marc in that race was just a bonus. in a different way, the same thing was obviously true of marc: making his debut in the premier class and immediately getting to fight his hero, ending up taking his first ever premier class podium. because of some cruel alchemy of timing and circumstance, you've managed to capture them both at the precise moment where they really are just happy to be there, made their first fight with each other a moment of pure, undiluted ecstasy. such a sweet moment for the pair of them, where they found themselves able to fight each other and had every reason to relish it. you really couldn't have scripted it better

and like you say, they are two versions of the same rider! it really does feel like their careers should be read in conversation with each other! obviously valentino frequently acknowledged this himself early on, saying it wasn't an 'exaggeration' to call marc 'the next valentino rossi'... the ways in which marc had modelled himself after valentino, including of course copying some of his most famous overtakes. beyond their rivalry and conflict, there is also continuity between the pair of them. their entire feud hinges on how it can feel like a blessing to face another version of yourself... but it can also become a curse. the reason why they grew so close in the first place and why things got so ugly between them is fundamentally the same. neither of them have ever really forgotten about the similarities between the pair of them either. mutually inescapable until the end, I fear

incidentally, for context, here's what valentino was actually saying at the end of the ducati years. first of all, he pays casey his dues for being able to succeed on that bike:

you'll note that while he says the experience hadn't broken him (though "I don't think so" isn't particularly firm either), he does talk about how psychologically tough riding that ducati was. also, like I mentioned in the post that this one is a follow-up to, the really big frustration is not even about the riding as much as it is in the utter failure in bike development terms - where nothing they did actually worked:

he describes this as his first wrong career choice (although in other places he has also defended this decision), while also paying credit to his ducati team. crucially it followed on from all these rolls of the dice that had worked, the most major ones being probably the switch to yamaha and later the switch to bridgestones:

he says he's uncertain about whether he'll be able to fight for titles and even race wins again, stressing the importance of the valencia test (which is when he knew he was in serious trouble back in 2010):

and he talks about being the number two rider back at yamaha (while of course flipping it around again to ensure he's putting pressure on jorge):

same principle as with marc, some of this is expectation management and avoiding putting too much pressure on himself, cf marc's constant talk about being content if he could just fight for those 'top five top six positions' again (lol). but crucially valentino didn't know what would be possible

he does also talk a bit about his successors to the seat:

the thing about the ducati during this time, right, is that it was a very bad bike. honda decided to be a bit more dramatic about this post-2020, but these are two broadly analogous cases of massive decline for a manufacturer that had recently won a championship. casey came in for 2007 as a 21 year old insanely talented rider who wasn't too familiar with another bike (certainly not one as friendly as the yamaha) and was able to do something special with that capricious package... but he also talks in his autobiography about how ducati became far too complacent once that title had been won. it's not just mystery illness that explains the progressive decline in his results at ducati during the following three years - it was hubris from ducati, their refusal to listen to their riders while preferring to insinuate their riders simply weren't following the right diet or just weren't exercising enough. valentino switched to this poor package at an age at which adapting to a new bike is just categorically harder, and he failed in making any real progress with that bike for the following two years

that being said, at the end of the day ducati's situation back then isn't a million miles away from what you've seen with the honda - albeit in a different era where this performance decline wasn't punished quite so badly in championship standings because the margins now are a lot slimmer. casey did the equivalent to what marc did in the late 2010s, and put a somewhat evil but obviously fast bike into championship contention for two of his four years at ducati. he jumped ship at the right time, valentino jumped onto it at the wrong time and swiftly realised most of the ship was by this point underwater. look, just some interesting context imo! feel free to ignore. if you're interested in a more in-depth read about what was actually wrong with the bike in 2011, here you go - the short version is "front end feel". which is of course the ideal way to ruin confidence... if you can't trust the feedback you're getting, you can't trust yourself, simple as

[14buddy22]

I’ll Spend The Rest of My Life Making It Up To You Series

Aaron Hotchner x Fem!reader

Warnings: Domestic Abuse, bruises, blood, broken glass/mirrors, trauma, engagement, marriage, reader does have a child. 

A/n: Long title but idc... Here’s part 1. I’m halfway through student teaching and I begin my elementary placement next week. So who knows when part two will come around, but it will! Comment if you’d like to be tagged in part 2.

WC: 3.8K

Series Masterlist // Masterlist

You were in an abusive relationship. Problem was, you had been in it for 10 years before coming to terms with your abuser. It took one special person to help you. That special person had a significant role in your life before you met your husband, your abuser. What happens after years of not seeing them? What’s going to happen to you? Will you survive the cycle of abuse? Will you get help? Will you get out? Are you strong enough to break the cycle?

It was a hit to the face in front of your son that finally got to be too much. You knew that it was going to be hard to conceal. You didn’t understand it. Why did he constantly have to criticize you to make him feel big? How could he not know that his words hurt? Your body had taken a toll mentally and emotionally, all before it took a toll physically.

How in the hell did you even get yourself into this situation? How could you be in it for 10 years? Why didn’t you leave sooner? Why did it have to get to this point where you finally realized you’d had too much? He always told you he was sorry, he told you he loved you, he just had a bad day at work. The thing was, you were stupid enough to believe it, you always believed it.

You had finally had enough. The mental, emotional, and physical abuse from him was too much. You needed to lead a better life for your son. You didn’t want your son to grow up to know that’s how a man should treat somebody. You were worth so much more. At first, you believed that what your husband would get mad about was your fault, but then over time, the more posts that started showing up on your phone about abusive relationships, you knew that you were in one. You didn’t want to believe it at first, but you did. Slowly over time, you realized that you had to walk on eggshells around him.

You thought that it was normal that he just had triggers that set him off, but then you thought back to the man who once brought you so much joy, the man before your husband, the man who broke your heart. That man that you had loved so much, you never had to walk around eggshells around. The man you could be yourself in front of, the one who loved you for who you were, faults and all.

You tried to get out of your relationship, literally. You got in your car one day to leave, but he tracked you. He called you and asked why you had left the house. He started questioning you because you hadn’t told him that you planned on leaving that day. He had a tracking device placed on the car and would get alerts when you’d leave the house.

He also hated whenever you went out to lunch with friends, especially your guy friends. He hated it. You don’t understand why. Well, you do. It’s because he was nervous you’d let something slip that you were in an abusive relationship. You were too afraid too. You hid the bruises well, that’s why he never hit you on your face either, because you could conceal it everywhere else.

While he went away for another weekend, you decided that you’d had enough. You remember reading about the cycle of abuse from domestic abuse survivors. The cycle of abuse is tough. It’s the hardest thing to break. You want to get help, and you think you’re going to do it, but then he does something so great that you think he’ll change, and then you fall back in love with him.

You had constantly been in that cycle for 10 years. It’s the only love you thought you were ever worthy of, but you are worthy of so much more.

After debating for 2 hours and figuring out a game plan. You packed a suitcase filled with clothes as much as you could fit and started putting stuff into a car. You grabbed your son’s clothes, diapers, wipes, blankets, car seat, and bottles. You threw as much as you could into the suitcase and you finally took one look around your home.

You saw the hole in the wall that your husband’s fist had left when you dodged it. You saw the broken glass still in the corner from before he left. You saw the broken picture frames, the blood-stained carpet that you tell your guests you had accidentally cut yourself and didn’t realize it but it was actually from your husband hitting you so hard you were bleeding from your mouth.

Chills went down your spine. You were attempting to get out. You knew that if you were caught, he would kill you. You needed to get your son somewhere safe. You were done looking around your house, there were no good memories except the one’s you made with your son. You didn’t deserve this abuse anymore. You didn’t know where to go, so you found your way to the FBI. If there’s one person you could trust, the only male you could trust, you were going to him.

It wasn’t long until you pulled into the FBI building parking lot. Your son was in the middle of his nap, but you were just hoping that it wasn’t loud or busy in there. If he did wake up, it wasn’t the end of the world, you needed to get out of this relationship, you needed to do better for your son.

When you made your way into the building, your eyes started to roam around. You were trying to look for him everywhere. You knew he wouldn’t be down here, he always needed an office, but you just were trying to look for comfort, a familiar face.

You explained to the receptionist that you needed to see him. You knew he was the unit chief of the Behavioral Analysis Unit, you were proud of him. He always set high standards for himself. He had been through so much, he was a survivor, too, but not many realized that.

When you were escorted into the BAU, you were met with an older man walking by. You learned his name was Dave Rossi and you told him your name and your son’s name.

When he asked if there was anything he could do for you, you just asked politely to see Aaron Hotchner’s office. That really drew everyone in the room to look at you. You don’t know how close these people were but, they were a team, you could only assume they’d been through everything together.

Rossi knocked on Aaron’s door and you heard his voice. You hadn’t heard his voice in 3 years. It sent shivers down your spine. You were really getting help, and you were getting it from the love of your life, the man you always wanted to be with, but weren’t good enough for, you didn’t deserve him.

When you walked in after Rossi opened the door for you, you were met with Aaron writing something in a case file, working hard, and being busy. You began to think how wrong you were to come here. This shouldn’t be Aaron’s problem. Maybe you were just overreacting. But now you needed to come up with an excuse for why you were here.

“Hi, Aaron.”

Aaron’s head shot up from his desk and all it took was one look from Aaron for you to begin to break down. Aaron didn’t know what was going on, so when he looked at Rossi, the door was already being shut to give you two some privacy. You didn’t know what caused you to break down, maybe it was because your lover was here, seeing you at your worst, yet you’re still here.

You placed your son’s car seat carrier on the floor and Aaron wrapped his arms around you. He didn’t know what the hell was happening, but all he knew was that someone he loved deeply, even though he hadn’t kept in touch for the last 3 years was hurting, and you didn’t deserve to feel whatever you were feeling.

As he held you in his arms, he began to look down at your sleeping son, and when he tightened his arms around you, he didn’t miss the way your shirt rose up, leaving your skin bare. When his hands touched your bare skin, you tensed up, and that’s when he saw it. He saw the marks, the fresh ones and those still healing. He began to roll up your sleeves, he didn’t care if he was crossing boundaries, he needed to see that those were real. That the love of his life, the one he let go, had bruises old and new.

His first priority was finding out who did this to you so he could kill the man who was hurting you. He also knew that there was a sleeping baby in his office, who didn’t look more than 6 months old. If the man who was beating you touched what he presumed to be your baby, he would for sure kill the man who did this.

“Who did this to you?”

Aaron was furious. His jaw tightened and his fist clenched with rage. Everything at that moment stopped. He wanted to kill whoever was hurting you. You could see that all in his eyes and in his body language. While you and Aaron broke up, you still remained friends through it all. Well, friends who just hadn’t talked or seen each other in person in 3 years.

You just were afraid to tell him. You weren’t afraid of Aaron. You never were. You were just afraid that he’d see you at your lowest point because you knew he already dealt with so much in his life and your situation would just add more problems to his life.

“Aaron.”

You began to pull away from Aaron as he still was holding your waist. When he let go, he still had no idea what was going on. Well, he knew something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong. You had bruises, you tensed up at the feeling of his hands on your bare skin. His best friend, the love of his life, was in an abusive relationship and he didn’t know. He was a really shitty person for it. How could he not recognize that you were in an abusive relationship when you told him you could never meet him out for lunch anymore, or when he finally got one last lunch with you when you hugged him, held him a little tighter, and whispered “goodbye Aaron” after you kissed his cheek.

Aaron would always remember that moment 3 years ago and it killed him that he never knew why you said what you did. However, you here in his office, getting ready to tell him that you were in an abusive relationship only made him feel that much smaller, like such an asshole that he was a profiler and he couldn’t tell you were in an abusive relationship.

“Who did this to you? I will make sure he never sees the light of day again.”

“Aaron, I can’t tell you, he will find me, and he’ll kill me and my son. I can’t go back. I have nowhere to go. I just wanted to come and ask if you had any friends who were lawyers to help me out. I want to sell the house, but I can’t face him again. Is there any way you can help me out? Please, I’ll take you and Jack out for dinner. I’ll watch Jack and give Jessica a break. I’ll do anything, Aaron.”

“Wait. Slow down, slow down. You need to tell me who did this to you. I will help you. Of course, I will, but I need to know who has been hurting you.”

You were about to start crying even more. You weren’t ready to tell Aaron. You were, but you weren’t. All it took was one small cry from your son before you looked at him and were going to lose it. Aaron was profiling you and you hated it.

“I can’t, Aaron. You know I can’t. Aaron, please. I’m in an abusive relationship. I need out. I need the tracker disabled on my car. I need a lawyer who can help me make sure I keep custody of my son, Mason. But you have to understand, it’s better if I don’t say his name, for my sake and for yours.”

You picked Mason up from his car seat and Mason began to look around. When he laid his head back on your chest, you made eye contact with Aaron. He was still trying to make sure that Mason was okay.

“Aaron. You know I can’t say his name.”

“N-no, please tell me that after I broke your heart, this is what happened. This is what you got. You never deserved this. You deserved so much more. You deserved more than I could ever give you. You met someone, you met Jake after me, you were in a relationship with him for 10 years. He beat you Y/n. Please tell me that it’s not Jake who did this to you. Please tell me that it’s not the man I watched you dance with at your wedding while I wished it had been me. Please tell me that Jake didn’t do this to you, that you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time with someone.”

You reached out for his hand. You needed to calm him down, you needed him right now. You didn’t need him to take the blame for this. He couldn’t have known what was going on. You were great at hiding what was going on. That was the plan, to not get caught, to not have people feel sorry for you and try and help you, because you were in that cycle where you believed Jake could do no wrong.

“Aaron, it’s not your fault. I loved him. Well, at some point I did.”

“Why didn’t you come to me sooner? Why didn’t you tell me whenever we’d meet up? Why didn’t I say something? How did I not know?”

“Aaron, listen to me, please. I covered it up. I didn’t want our lunch dates, something that brought me so much joy, to be ruined for me. I wanted those moments to be good things. Something I could hold onto until the next thing happened. You were and had always been the one good thing in my life, Aaron. Now it’s you and Mason. Aaron, this is my son, Mason. He’s 6 months old. I’m asking you to please help us. I’m going to leave this state. I just need help with the car and a lawyer.”

Aaron stepped closer to you and wiped the tears that were falling onto your cheek. He placed his hand on your son’s back and said, “I’m going to get you the help you need. But I’m sure as hell not letting you two out of my sight until Jake’s in prison. You’re staying with me. I’ll get my team to disable the tracking device. I’ll be able to get Penelope to reroute the signal to say that the car’s at home.”

“Aaron, he already knows I left the house. He knows where I am now. I guarantee it.”

“Stay here. I’m getting my team.”

He kissed the side of your head and for once you weren’t tensing up when a man touched you. You followed him out of his office, too afraid to be left alone, even in a secure government building. You and he walked into the conference room with his team and you listened to him explain who you were and your situation, how you needed help.

Being in that room made you feel small and weak. These individuals were all going to help you. You hated that you were going to make their life worse. Whoever was going to try and help was going to be affected by Jake. You knew it would.

Penelope said, “We are going to take care of you, girlie. We will take care of you and your son. I’m already hacking into the tracking system. My chocolate thunder here is going to disable the device on your car once we find it. We will work some magic. You go take that precious baby boy in your arms back into Hotch’s office and we will work our magic.”

Your son started to get fussy and you looked at Aaron. “I know you’re already doing so much, and I hate that I’m bothering you, but is there a microwave where I could warm up his bottle?”

“No, you’re not bothering me. Come on. Guys, I’m going to warm up the bottle and then we’ll be in the office. No one leaves until we make sure they’re safe. Got it?”

The team all shook their heads and gave you a sympathetic look. You and Aaron began to walk out of the round table room and he walked into his office to help you grab your son’s diaper bag.

“I can take it, Aaron. You can just tell me where it is. I’ll feed him in there. You’ll have your office to work.”

“No. Nonsense. I’m not letting you out of my sight ever again.”

When you began to warm up his bottle, you started to scoop the formula and Aaron said, “I know it’s been a while since Jack was a baby, but can I hold him? I know how hard it is to make a bottle with a wiggly baby.”

“Are you sure?”

Aaron began to take Mason from your arms and your heart melted at the sight of Aaron and Mason. The way he held Mason was a fatherly way that you wish you saw in Jake. Jake never hurt Mason, but you also made sure Jake was never alone with Mason. You didn’t want to think about what would happen if Jake snapped at Mason the way he snapped at you before.

Aaron’s fatherly instincts worked well. Mason was starting to settle down in his arms before he even began to eat. When Mason grabbed for Aaron’s tie, you found yourself smiling.

“I haven’t seen that smile since you and I were together.”

“It’s been a while. Only Mason gets to see this smile. Jake doesn’t deserve it.”

“You’re right. He doesn’t. He doesn’t deserve you. He didn’t deserve to have you in his life for 10 years, to treat you the way you were treated for the past 10 years.”

When you and Aaron made his way back to his office, he shut the door and you sat on the couch. You began to feed Mason and Aaron pulled out a pad of paper. He sat on the chair next to his couch and you looked at him.

“I have to ask you everything he did. As much as you could tell me. We also need to take pictures of the bruises. We’ll get you to a hospital, to make sure there’s nothing more than bruises, no broken ribs, no healing fractures.”

“I’m not going.”

“Let me help you.”

“I just asked for a lawyer friend. That’s all I need from you. I will be out of here as soon as they-”

“I already lost you two times in my life, I’ll be damned if I lost you a third time. I want to help you and Mason. Please let me help you. I need to know what he did. I’ve already sent a text to one of my colleagues who I went to law school with. He’s pulling all your files now. We’re taking care of it. If we get you to a hospital.”

“Then you’ll see the very worse of what he did to me. You’ll see the healing fractures, you’ll see the scars. I don’t want you to see that, Aaron.”

Aaron looked like he was going to snap his steel pen in half. He was gripping the pen so hard when those words came out of your mouth and then you saw the color drain out of him. He couldn’t believe what you just told him. He knew you were scared, but how could you be scared of him? How could you not want him to know how Jake hurt you?

“I won’t think any less of you. You’re stronger than I could ever be. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.”

The team was out in the parking lot disabling the tracking device from your car and they all began talking. They saw your car, how you’d thrown random things, well not random, your necessities into the car. They knew that your relationship must have been bad.

Rossi spoke up when he looked in your trunk and found a box of pictures and letters. He saw the bruises, cuts, scars, and marks all over your body that you had taken. He saw the pictures you took of your house, the broken pictures, the broken glass, the mirror.

Penelope said, “I don’t want to see her like that. Are there any happy ones? I mean, I don’t know how she could be happy with him, but is there anything? Maybe there was a trigger in the relationship. At one point she had to have been happy with him. That’s why she went out with him?”

“That’s how the cycle works, Penelope. He was probably good to her at the start. Then as things went on in their relationship, maybe she burnt something she was cooking and he went off on her. Then maybe it was she tripped and he blamed her for tripping over his mess, or maybe it was he squeezed her arm so hard to gain her attention and it left a mark, one of the first marks that he intentionally wanted to leave. But then he’d make it up with something romantic. Just when she’s had her breaking point, maybe considered walking out, he did something nice.”

Penelope’s heart was breaking at the thought of you, someone she didn’t even know was hurting. She wiped her tears as she was trying to rummage through the photos of your deepest, darkest secrets.

“But where does she come into Hotch’s life? When we met him, he was with Haley.”

Rossi found a smaller box. When he opened it up, he found pictures of a younger you and Aaron. He found the ones of you and him kissing.

“I know why she’s here.”

He turned the picture of you and Aaron towards the team and they immediately began to get teary-eyed.

Morgan said, “Hotch was her boyfriend before she got into this relationship.”

The team all looked at each other as Rossi continued to look into the box. Then he saw the flash of something when the sun hit just right. When he moved it to try and find the flash again, it’s when he saw it, taped to a picture.

Rossi pulled out the photo of Aaron kneeling on the ground, holding the ring out to you. The same ring that was taped to that picture.

“More like a fiancè.”

The team looked at him and said, “What?”

Rossi showed them your engagement ring and picture and said, “They were engaged. Hotch was her fiancè.”

Next Part

[poopyballz28]

how would the Baki cast react to an emotionally intelligent partner, hell, even someone who has studied psychology trying to help them understand themselves better. Would they be terrified at first?would some find it stupid? How would they feel afterwards?

A very intriguing idea, I like your brain.

Some Baki characters meeting an emotionally discerning person

Kozue

- She could really benefit from someone who can actually wrap their head around her problems logically. She’s often overwhelmed with her own issues, not knowing which direction to go from where she is. I’m sure someone who actually has the knowledge to help her out could seriously aid her.

- She’s initially a bit nervous, thinking that she’s not particularly worth helping and downplaying her very clear problems. She really dislikes being a burden to others, she’ll try to act like she’s fine and she doesn’t need any emotional support.

- But if they're able to get her to realize just how low she thinks of herself and how much she’s actually struggling, tears will begin to well up in her eyes. Things she tried to not think about in the past she’s suddenly confronted with.

- She would realize things that she tried to ignore for so long, but she will ultimately be thankful afterwards. While yes, she can put on the waterworks pretty quickly, she’s a pretty emotionally strong girl. She toughens up, wiping her tears and realizing that she does want to move forward.

- She’ll thank them for helping her out, and promise them that she’ll try and make a change. For herself this time, not for others.

Kiyosumi

- He would definitely be incredulous of them and close himself off, especially if they make it pretty clear they want to help him.

- God, does he hate that word. “Help” It’s something he completely feels he doesn’t need. Having lived his life mostly having to work things out (or lack thereof) by himself, having someone who wants to “help” him makes him very irritated. He thinks he’s normal. How? He’s crazy.

- If I were to give a word of advice to this person, I would tell them to not be so upfront and tell them to try and take it slow. If you do make him angry enough he will show aggression, mostly because it’s all he knows how to do when face to face with his own issues.

- If this person happens to be his significant other or perhaps a really really close friend, they may actually have a better chance at getting him to actually open up and give in.

- He may start even jokingly admitting to some pretty harsh things he thinks about his self and his way of living. He never realized how much he disliked himself until he actually heard the shit that was coming out of his mouth.

- He’ll still be very hesitant of course, but you could probably get him to come to terms with all of his pent up hatred for himself and others. He gets a little speechless, I’ll admit. He’ll have an uncertain look on his face with his eyebrows still tensed tightly. He’ll have to do a lot of thinking after.

- He’ll make an attempt to ignore everything they told him and drink the thoughts away but they just won’t vanish from his head. He’d push his stubbornness aside, something that he often struggles doing, but he’ll think about everything that they said to him and actually take it into consideration. Crazy, I know.

- He doesn’t particularly want to change, but he will finally, for the first time, realize that maybe he does have overlying problems that have been there for a long time. He thinks he’s an idiot for not realizing sooner. He’ll be grateful overall that it happened, but he probably wouldn’t tell them this.

Kosho

- Also very hesitant about the whole thing. He believes he doesn’t need help from another person, insisting that all of his tribulations and internal problems are things he already knows about and can handle on his own. (this is not true.)

- He’ll have his arms crossed throughout most of the conversation, a very skeptical look on his face. But he’s already emotionally vulnerable, it won't take a lot to truly unlock the huge metal door he’s put up in front of his heart.

- The more they show that they understand what he’s going through emotionally and how hard it is to live the way he does, the more that he starts to tear up and give in.

- “It must be very difficult to feel like you have meaning when your own brother overshadows all of your hard work.”

“I know right?! It’s completely-” He’ll fight back tears.

“Everything feels completely…hopeless.” He says, in full-hearted honesty.

- They’re able to be a shoulder he can finally lean on for support and understanding. Nobody has ever been able to really sympathize with him to his face but be so truthful and caring. It’s new for him.

- Afterwards, he’s still trying to understand the whole thing. He comes to some realizations, and uses them to build himself up. He’s still very strong, despite his almost cry-baby nature on occasion. He would probably bring himself to thank them to their face. (very timidly, of course) Because he is thankful they were able to understand his problems and help him out, him commonly being one to struggle with putting his own emotions into clear words. But seeing them be able to do it so perfectly made him feel like there is a light in the pit of darkness he usually finds himself in.

Kureha

- Ohhh boy.

- There's really no reasoning with this guy.

- He thinks he's completely fine. And not to mention a good contributing member of society who DOES pay his taxes. Who…does…pay his taxes.

- He thinks it's quite preposterous that anyone would want to “help” someone who’s mostly normal and has no problems whatsoever. (this is, again, not true)

- He would find the whole thing much like a game, a moment for him to be the center of attention. He can't take them seriously at all.

- When he does get a little irritated he’ll generally just laugh it off, especially if what they’re saying is true.

- He finds it quite amusing that someone would simply want to understand and help him. He feels he doesn’t need others to “understand” him and his mindset to live his life fulfillingly. Mostly because he’s awfully aware that he’s done some messed up things that even he can’t fully blame himself for. (even though it was…one hundred percent his fault)

- If they kinda started digging deeper and mentioning maybe his now clear narcissism, he would still keep his same attitude but maybe even start agreeing with them.

- It’s pretty useless when he’s actually subconsciously aware he’s not the greatest person and actively doesn’t plan to do anything about it.

- He thinks, “So what, I’m the “bad guy”?” He’s too narcissistic to truly blame it all on himself but also self aware enough to know he’s horrible.

- Sure, he’s done some bad things, but that was in the past and the past means nothing. Others were affected? Well he was affected too! He’s different now! (he is not.)

- He thinks they are an intriguing specimen…very interesting.

Jack

- Much like a brick wall, telling what his emotions are at all is pretty difficult in itself. It’d be awfully hard for them to really get him to talk at all. 

- He doesn’t think his problems should concern anybody but himself. He insists that he “doesn’t have any issues” and that “that stuff doesn’t work on him”. (guess what. this is not true)

- He really refuses to elaborate on any part of his life or problems. Like I said, whose business is it other than his? He’d most likely have to know them well enough AND get a little drunk to really be able to say anything of importance that could help them make a judgment. 

- If they were able to really connect with him on a personal level, maybe one on one at a quiet night bar or something, he may start pouring his concerns out to them. He’d kind of ramble on and about his aggression's and things that just stress him out. Anger is a big, overwhelming emotion for him. 

- Maybe he’d even start sharing how hard it was having lived the life that he has. All of the hurt and the pain was finally showing on his face now. I imagine he would maybe start tearing up, his eyebrows furrowed together tightly. 

- If they can really show true empathy towards him and guide him through his issues he may start lingering around them more. Not particularly on purpose, though. Afterwards, he first tries to act like the whole talk they had was essentially nothing to him. But somehow it keeps crossing his mind. He thinks on it alone and then does some realizing, understanding his own pain and being content that he actually had someone to talk to about it. He uses this new-found understanding and utilizes it to get more powerful, not just physically now, but emotionally. 

- He would definitely be polite enough to thank them after. Quite impassively I’ll say, but it’ll be one hundred percent genuine. 

Hector

- Having lived mostly in solitude and loneliness, he thinks that the way he lives his life is not something for others to understand. He knows he’s done wrong and probably will continue to do wrong but how another person feels about it is no concern to him.

- In a way, he barely sees other humans as people. Seeing them as merely creatures or pawns, things that are not particularly understandable on any other level but physical. He doesn’t get anyone and nobody gets him. But he’s fine with it that way.

- If this person were to show genuine compassion for wanting to help him he would initially be quite confused. Help him? Why? What’s in it for them?

- Even if this person is attempting to help solely because of the kindness in their heart, he still wouldn’t be able to wrap his head around the reason why. He’s fine with the way things are, and he doesn’t desire any help. Especially from other “people”.

- He’s very similar to a brick wall like Jack, not showing very much emotion on average. Trying to get him to really open up is a challenge. It’s not like he knows how to open up anyway, though.

- I feel this is another case of someone who’s almost unhelpable unless they matter to him. Sure, he's definitely able to show sympathy and benevolence for others on occasion, but only if he truly cares about them through certain circumstances. (which is very rare)

- He just can’t take the conversation seriously, just seeing it as a little chat instead of a conversation that’s trying to help him understand himself. Because what more is there to understand? He knows he’s despicable but he has no other paths to walk. It’s pretty hopeless to try and get through to him.

Katsumi

- He’s frankly a bit inept when it comes to understanding certain aspects of himself. Usually it has to take time for him to legitimately understand. But I will say, someone who was basically trained to help out can definitely do him some good.

- He would be a bit nervous, but it doesn’t take very much for him to really spill out his concerns to them. He often feels he doesn’t have many people to talk to on that level of emotions. He has so many fears and doubts for the future and for himself, but to finally be able to come to terms with it and actually talk about it is very empowering for him.

- He’s definitely a rambler, going on and on about how frequently he’s frustrated and fearful with the way some things are. It makes him feel…weak. He thinks that someone in the position that he’s in shouldn’t have so many problems and worries.

- If this person is able to get him to understand that it’s okay to have issues and it’s fine to struggle through very obviously tough situations, he’ll have almost another realization.

- He’d be overjoyed that someone actually wanted to hear about his concerns, but he’ll finally realize it’s okay to have fear and anxiety. He’s not weak or less of just because he feels those quite common emotions and he soon realizes that struggling emotionally is just part of the process. He uses the conversation to get stronger, now knowing it's okay to feel scared sometimes. He promises that he’ll work through the fear no matter what.

- He would definitely thank them after. After all, he owes some of his strength to them! They helped him grow into something stronger and he couldn't be more grateful.

[ticklepinions]

Ranting

Do y'all feel like everything is just so infuriating.

I don't even know how to phrase what I'm upset about. I hate how it feels like one side has to do the heavy lifting, while the other side just watches.

Avoidant people are automatically demonized and told to be better. Introverts are told to go out more and do better. Night owls are looked down upon and often pegged as lazy. Me literally trying to be friends with people but because I'm unemployed there's this vibe I get from people. Maybe I'm just projecting my insecurities but it genuinely feels so real.

Why is every aspect of my being tied to productivity? Oh "avoidant people don't take responsibility for their actions", hey not entirely true. Anxious attachment styles can also be toxic when not handled correctly. But you pair both of them up, at least from what I've seen/experienced, it is up to the avoidant person to manage everyone's feelings. Like wtf is that. I got in an argument with a friend, and I said I needed time to process and it basically led to them saying "why can't we just talk now, it's making me anxious". And because I fawn sometimes, I just compromised. And that's so fucking shitty. But I ask the people around me and the vibe is usually yeah it's best to handle things there and then. But because my brain literally isn't wired that way, I genuinely need to talk it out a lot with people who aren't involved to get a better sense of what I'm feeling. I often don't know why I got upset, or if I am upset at all. But nooooo avoidant people are the worst ever. Hey maybe we can also benefit from not dealing with a problem right away. Maybe taking some time can also be an appropriate decision.

Or when we speak about introverts. It's always this thing people want to fix. Talk more. Put yourself out there. Network. I'm exhausted. But the disdain is seldomly towards extroverted people.

Early risers can do so much with their day so people love them. But oh you wake up AND stay up late? What are you doing with your time?? Work I hope.

And I'm not saying we put the "other" side on blast. It's just frustrating to have aspects of yourself that don't necessarily need to change, constantly be poked and prodded at. And not once have people stopped to wonder maybe we can just do things differently.

I feel insane sometimes with hearing people say "that's just life". Hey so what if I shoot myself with a water gun. Why does it have to be like that? Are we not gonna do something about it? I'm just expected to grin and bear it like everyone else is doing? While it's literally making me question my sanity and if I want to continue *living* period. Hello??

Anyways therapy cannot come any sooner I am gonna crash out lmfao

Edit: how could I forget mental illness. People actually don't gaf. If your depression/anxiety/whatever isn't something digestible, you can forget about support. And people love weaponizing therapy. Therapy can only do so much. I'm literally paying for someone to validate me. If I can't find it naturally within my own community that's just more isolation. We've become so individualized and with terms like trauma dumping and capacity and what not being used, and rather incorrectly, it perpetuates this thought of you shouldn't complain about anything to your own circle.

[marimayscarlett]

*hands you an empty ask that allows you to talk about most beloved pretty men*

*walks away to watch Matrix on my laptop in my LOTR sweatshirt*

Hi 😌

Thank you for this! I will use this ask to present two little, very self-centered lists about my favourite old men, eventhough no one really asked for it ✨

First up of course my love, always:

5 Reasons why I love and adore Richard for almost 10 years now 🤍

1) His enthusiasm When it comes to his passion in music, Richard is extremely enthusiastic, regularly bubbling over with creative ideas, tries out different guitar gear to get the perfect sound (even builds his own tech equipment like the mic Roboter he shows here) and exudes just an intense drive for music. You can feel how much he thinks about the music he puts out, how much of a perfectionist Richard can be (a fact which sometimes makes things more complicated/tiresome) for him and how much joy he can find in work. Music even has a therapeutic effect to him, leading him out of his depressive episode in 2019. This man really burns for his passion and I love this enthusiasm 🤍

2) His openness It is clear that Richard had some problems in the past with drug abuse as well as mental health related, due to some conflicts in his past - depression, frustration and longing for appreciation accompanied him for a long time as he mentions in-depth here, and maybe still do. And he is outspoken about it, wanted to change things and actively looked for help! Things you need strength and courage for, and Richard allows himself to be openly vulnerable, like when he talks about it in interviews. It might be a reason why some people don't really like him or find him boastful and self centered, yet I can't stress enough how important his openness about topics like these is! It shows that yes, everyone can have problems, might have to deal with trauma for several decades and yet can overcome it. And this openness and honesty is something I find quite admirable.

3) His honesty and not being afraid to express his opinions Richard does not mice any words when it comes to express his opinions and thoughts on things. He is very honest most of the time; about how exhausting yet exciting work in a group like Rammstein can be, how much he dislikes certain things and cities, also about personal things like himself being quickly irritated by things, needing alone time to come to terms with feelings and impressions, about how much he can be a perfectionist and controll freak… Whenever you read an interview with him, you sooner or later are confronted with an opinion of him. And I think that's a way to get to 'know' him as a person a bit! This might sound 'closeminded' that he's so opinionated, but he's pretty much the opposite: for example does Richard express his dislike for German rap and hiphop (he clames he just doesn't understand these music genres) and yet he's always open to listen to tracks which others who him to get to know more about different music styles.

4) The courage to improve and reinvent himself Richard is not afraid of change, self growth and taking steps forward (away from bad influences) or trying out new things. From starting Emigrate as an additional outlet for his musical creativity to trying out different fashion styles and wearing what makes him feel comfortable - this man knows what he wants to do and wear, and goes through with it! We sometimes laugh about his questionable choices, yet he looks comfortable and has the guts to really be true to himself (at least he comes across this way), which is something a lot of people wish they could do, but are withheld from doing it due to thinking too much about opinions of others 👀

5) His cuddliness and cordiality This is something widely known and appreciated - Richard is a natural born hugger and enjoys showing his affection in a physical manner. In a world where showing affection and love openly as a male is still sometimes viewed as 'weak/unmanly', I just love how open he is about it! Plus he can be very warmhearted and appreciative with fans, too 🤍

Now on to:

5 Reasons why I fell in love with Hugo 🤍

1) His versatility I swear to God, 'versatility' is Hugo's middle name. The range of the genres he plays in, the range of the characters he plays is incredibly wide - from playing a drag queen to playing a ruthless AI agent to a fool in love to an elven lord to a bisexual business man to a smug detective to a crossdressing police officer to several classical theatre roles… I could go on and on. The reason for this wide range of roles is: he just chooses what interests him. Not thinking about what brings the most money or prestige, but choosing roles which speak to him on different levels; which are nuanced, have some sort of twist to them and are neither black or white, which is an important thing for him.

2) His devotion and calmness This man first met his partner Katrina when he was four years old, they got acquaintanted properly in acting school and fell in love in their mid 20s - and are still together to this day. He really is a proper family man, absolutely devoted to his partner (mentioning over the course of several interviews that one of the reason for him loving to work in Australia is being close to her and their kids). He's also very, very down to earth, quite modest and an overall a really positive sweetheart and loved by his actor colleagues - his close friend and an actress he worked with a lot Cate Blanchett once called him 'a god amongst men'. And this type of constancy and calmness has such an relaxing effect on me - sounds strange, I know, but this just makes him even more likable for me.

3) His outspokenness and support for important causes When I tell you that this man takes no shit and uses his voice for bringing attention to significant topics, I mean it. Hugo advocated avidly for marriage equality in Australia, slammed far-right movements and republicans (including Trump) for blindly using imagery from 'The Matrix' and 'V for Vendetta' for questionable causes and not looking further into the meaning of the movies and wants to raise awareness for men's mental health issues. He is also an advocate for epilepsy awareness, a condition which with which he was diagnosed with in his early teen years.

4) His voice and his use of it Hugo could read a phone book to me, I'd thank him on my knees and would pay my left kidney for it. He has a lovely voice, a quite calm way of speaking, a beautiful vocabulary (most likely also shaped by his work as an on stage actor) and way of describing things. Hugo can use his voice to really give his roles different levels and depth - he modelled the voice of Agent Smith after American news anchors and sounds so different than for example as soft spoken yet firm Elrond in 'Lord of the Rings' or ambitious and borderline aggressive Richard in 'The Dirtwater Dynasty'. Now you'd say "well, that's his job as an actor 🤨" but honestly, I've never encountered another actor who uses his voice so intensely.

5) His love for Australian cinema Hugo is not the biggest fan of Hollywood, which of course can seem quite contradictory considering the huge productions he was in. But he's extremely invested in Australian productions as well if not more, which he continuously supports and brings attention to Australian movies and culture. He's of the opinion that Australian cinema deserves way more recognition (even within the country itself) and is a great way to bring light to the culture and show the different sides of the country. It really is a shame that Australian movies aren't that much known most of the time - for example "Proof" (Hugo plays a blind man with trust issues) from 1991 is seen as an absolute classic by movie critics, yet not a lot of people outside of Australia have seen it.

(I added gifs of them both purely because well. I love looking at them)

Thank you for coming to my unasked for Ted Talk! 🎤 (Damn, I really should take up on Paul's idea and should start a business like that)

[stxrvel]

greatest fear (3)

series summary: you woke up from a long coma with no memory of a part of your life only to be told by your teammates that you're married to the man you hated seven years ago. even though that seemed to be the only problem, as time goes on you're realizing there's a lot more history and mystery behind the accident that left you in medical care for months. blackouts, more memory loss, mistrust and a strange man who seems to be connected to everything. every day it gets harder to trust anyone around you, but you won't stop until you can finally uncover the truth behind the accident.

chapter summary: bucky has to learn to deal with the fact that things don't always work out the way we want them to.

pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

words: +5k i think

warnings: none? angst, that's for sure

note: hello!!! i think it's been almost a month? but better late than never. this didn't came out like i wanted at all, but i'm still gonna publish it bc i don't dislike it that much. i probably could've approach the subject way better. maybe i'll edit this someday. anyway, i do hope you all like this and give it some love 💜 i'll try to keep it up to get you guys pt 4 sooner, but i don't promise anything. feedback is always appreciate!! thank u all!!

masterlist | next | series masterlist

Everyone already knew Bucky's greatest fear. He had spent years being untouchable, seemingly the only person on the team who wasn't afraid of anything, not even living on the edge. They had spent years getting used to seeing the inscrutable face of an emotionless man. And they'd spent years thinking that was never going to change. To be honest, Bucky believed the same thing. As he resumed his “normal”, ordinary life, he felt that there was nothing he hadn't experienced before and that, because of that, there was nothing that could really hurt him. So why bother worrying about anything, why be afraid in the first place?

Bucky used to be an unflappable person. Even after meeting you, after confessing his feelings for you, after knowing that you might be a weak spot, Bucky still thought he wasn't afraid of anything. What's more, with you by his side he considered himself an invincible person. Unreachable. The people around him saw him as so sure of himself that they never once doubted that he could be the most fearless man in the world.

Until you had the accident.

Bucky began to see the world in dark colors. He had been afraid, yes, he had said so many times. But he was also struck by how close he had come to going insane. The people around him had ceased to view him with respect, but with concern. He had never allowed himself to be seen that way, because even if he had ever felt in a similar way, he had never been as strong as he was that time. He was at a point of vulnerability that was almost incomparable to anything that had happened in his life before.

The level of despair and stress he was dealing with from the moment he found out about your accident until months later when he knew how to manage his emotions, he couldn't quantify it in a rational way.

And the people around him were sympathetic, but he still hated that he had let himself be seen that way. The quivering mess he'd become since he found out about it haunted him like a symphony echoing in his head on the highest note. Sometimes it wouldn't let him think, wouldn't let him remember, wouldn't let him live. Even being there in a room with you, there was nothing but a din of incongruous notes crashing against each other, without any harmony, without any order.

At other times there was silence. A deafening silence sometimes accompanied by a beeping that increased as the minutes progressed. The voices were echoes and the images were blurred figures in the distance. There was nothing else in his head but space to process the silence.

Everyone knew Bucky's biggest fear, and it had caused him some long-term problems that he still didn't know how to handle. Since everyone knew that, he was no longer the fearless Bucky, the most daring person. Now he seemed to be perceived as a walking time bomb, even though he seemed to be the one who handled the situation the best… well, not from the beginning, but he learned to cope.

He hated that that stage of vulnerability had become so embedded in the memories of others that it was now the only thing they evoked when they thought of him. He hated that consideration. As much as he wanted and appreciated the support, he hated when it came from regret. From condescension. Of the wary glances. Like tiptoeing around him in fear that he would explode at any moment.

That was how Bucky felt at that moment. With everyone watching him around him, thinking that at any moment he would freak out and start screaming at each of them.

“She's okay now,” Bucky heard Natasha's voice flooding the room that had become the recipient of an imperturbably uncomfortable silence. Her voice was neutral, calm and patient, like the others', even though their faces showed incomparable chagrin.

Bucky let out a long sigh and let his gaze fall on any object in that room.

The rain was lashing hard against the city that day. The drops bounced off the large window and fell swiftly towards the end of their ephemeral life where gravity used to drag them down. The cold crept into the building through every crevice it could find, as if seeking any refuge from itself within the warmth of the human structure.

Bucky didn't plan to ever feel fear again.

He was constantly surrounded by worry, but tried to reassure himself that you were in a safe place surrounded by people who were willing to protect you. Until Steve appeared running down the hallway of the rooms shouting his name, and then yours, and then named Dr. Cho. A peculiar combination of words but they were enough to push him over the edge.

He had never run so fast from one end of the building to the other since that fateful day.

Memories slipped as fast in front of his eyes as raindrops did that day, swept away by the restlessness of his mind surrounding almost possible catastrophic scenario. Bucky knew he shouldn't do that, but telling him not to was like going against nature.

The worst part was that he couldn't see you as soon as he got to the medical wing of the Complex. He could barely make you out through the glass doors.

And so hours went by.

Bucky stayed in the next room waiting for some news, when one by one the others began to arrive.

Near midnight Natasha appeared and finally gave him good news.

“They stabilized her and are now waiting for the drugs to take effect.”

Bucky nodded at her words and the vibe in the room finally changed. Sighs of relief and comforting words leapt into full view, but Natasha didn't take her eyes off Bucky.

“What happened to her?” he finally dared to ask, though he knew the answer the moment the redhead entered the room.

“They still don't know. One moment they thought it was cardiac arrest, then a stroke, then she had seizures. But finally she was just… still. At some point she regained consciousness and said her whole body hurt. The doctor gave her some medication and now she sleeps. All her vitals are fine, like nothing ever happened.”

Bucky was not thinking clearly. He had understood every single word that came out of Natasha's mouth, but he couldn't pin his thoughts down to a single idea. His mind was conjecturing at an incomprehensible speed and it was causing him severe irritability that he couldn't come up with a solution.

“Did she say anything else?”

“No.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

--

It had been six hours when you woke up. Bucky had settled into a chair in the corner of the room, not too far or too close to where you were lying, and was trying to get some sleep, but worry wouldn't leave him. Steve accompanied him for a while before he had to leave on a mission, and Natasha stopped by at some point to drop off something to eat before leaving, just like Steve, on a mission. After that, he must have spent about two hours trying to fall asleep, but it seemed an impossible task. The constant sound of the machine monitoring your heart kept him unconsciously aware of his surroundings. And, even if there were no external stimuli to keep him awake, his mind would have done so. The fear, the panic, the hopelessness…. He almost feared that you would never even wake up again.

His body almost reacted to your movements because he opened his eyes just as you were beginning to move on the gurney.

“Y/N?”

Rising from the chair, he began to slowly approach you, even though his body was begging him to run to your side and wrap you in his arms. He watched you move one of your arms to cover your eyes for a moment, before focusing your gaze on his.

Your frown did not bring him good news.

“Where am I?”

Finally reaching where you were, Bucky pressed the button on the side of the gurney to call the doctor, his heart heavy and aching. That those were the first words out of your mouth should have made him understand what had happened, and in a matter of seconds the limbs of his body shook with a shudder. But it couldn't be like that, he couldn't go through that again. Bucky was not in the capacity to go through that again.

He was promptly convinced otherwise and focused on your confused expression.

“You're at the Avengers Complex in Washington.”

“What do I do…?”

“You were in an accident. You lost consciousness for several hours.”

The dazed expression on your face didn't change and Bucky's nerves ascended with each passing second. The words came out of his mouth as an automatic response and your face contracted taking in the reality, but you didn't seem to make peace with understanding. The few things Bucky had told you seemed to only worsen your state of confusion.

“Do you know what day it is?”

When you shook your head, Bucky felt a cold chill run through him as if he were standing in the middle of a heavy snowfall. The fear he had deprived himself of and had almost prayed he would never feel again was making its way through his mind and body, and if he didn't stay calm things were not going to go well.

“It's November fourth of the year 2023. Do you remember anything about this year?”

You shook your head again. Your expression was starting to change from confusion to fear and Bucky knew he had to do something soon to keep you from being consumed by the feeling.

“No… No, I don't understand… what's going on. It's like my head is totally black. There's no-I don't see…”

Your distressed gaze met Bucky's and your bewilderment bordering on concern caused a pang in his heart. He felt like he could die of a broken heart at that moment. He didn't know what the look on his face was, but he knew it must not be as neutral as he wanted it to be because somehow he had to let out the feeling that was choking him at that moment. It seemed like that look Bucky had on his face gave your tears permission to start bulging in your eyes.

“I can't remember anything. At all,” you sobbed. “I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't remember what happened. I don't remember who-”

Bucky watched your eyes move around the room and noticed how you clenched your hands on the sheet. Your breathing becoming ragged confirmed to him that you were about to have a panic attack. Of all the times he had done it before, he automatically reached out to you and took your hands in his. He swallowed the feeling that wanted to overpower him and the hopelessness in a second. He couldn't leave you in that situation at that moment. Your glassy, big eyes turned to his.

“You're okay right now, okay?” with your eyes locked on his, still breathing erratically and your heart about to burst, you nodded slightly. “Okay, then breathe with me and then we'll talk again.”

Bucky took a deep breath, lifting his shoulders and not taking his eyes off yours to urge you to mimic him. He stayed in that position until you did the same, taking a shaky breath and tightening your fingers around his hand. The tears wouldn't stop coming and the sight almost made him cower in the corner of his head to cry with you.

“Now let the air out of your mouth slowly.”

Exemplifying your words, Bucky let the air out and you mimicked him next, still not letting go of the trembling.

Bucky took another deep breath and you followed suit, expelling the air once he did.

Like that, again and again.

And again.

And again.

Until you could only stare into his blue eyes without a single thought in your head.

“Feeling better?”

You nodded without a word.

Bucky could notice your lowered shoulders and the few tears on your red cheeks, so he ventured to let go of your hands. He didn't let it go unnoticed the way your eyes parted from his, after so long, to observe the place where your hands were joined. You intertwined your own hands and let out a sigh. Bucky had to swallow again the feeling and the urge to move closer. It made him angry inside because he thought he had already learned how to handle the distance and because he didn't think he would have to go through such a scenario again, but life is full of surprises.

“I understand that you're scared and worried, okay? But I want you to try to stay calm for a while while Dr. Cho asks you some questions and runs some tests, are you okay with that?”

Bucky watched as you shook your head as he pointed behind him to where there were two women standing in the door frame who he had heard enter a few minutes ago, but didn't acknowledge their arrival until you were calm and willing. He was dying to know what had been going through your head as you cocked it and frowned slightly watching the women.

“Yes,” you barely mumbled, but Bucky could hear you perfectly. He could hear you even in any kind of crowd.

With a heaviness in his soul, Bucky got up from the gurney and gave Dr. Cho and the nurse, Christina, room to pass.

He took a few more steps away, until he was near the door, and it weighed on him to see how your eyes did not leave his figure. He didn't know whether to leave or to stay there waiting for them to finish. He didn't want to leave you alone, that was clear, but the pressure in his chest grew stronger with each passing second, and he wasn't sure he could stay any longer if you kept looking at him like that. Like he was the only person in the room, like he was the only person who mattered, like he was someone you remembered… but you don't. You don't remember him. Not anymore.

--

Bucky found himself wandering around the Complex until he decided to settle on the rooftop. He thought that spending that time alone wouldn't do him much good because his mind would replay over and over again the moment when you had that frightened expression on your face again, and then he wouldn't have time to try to calm down and regain his composure. And he did. For a few minutes.

Bucky let his mind snap. The tension building up on his shoulders was too much, and if he didn't let it out, he feared it would explode inside him. He was thankful to be alone at that moment because he didn't like to cry around people. Not just crying, but expressing too much in general.

At that moment he was crying not only for his suffering, but for yours. Because more than not wanting to go through it himself, he had to think about what you must be feeling and thinking, being in a completely foreign environment and with strangers proclaiming to know you more than you know yourself. Bucky hated the thought of you having to go through that again, even if you didn't remember the first time. Bucky was crying on that rooftop because once again life had robbed you of the well-being you deserved, because you could no longer spend a moment fully aware of yourself.

More than his pain, Bucky ached to think of yours.

And what could he do about it? Nothing. Just like last time.

He didn't know how long he'd been there, arms resting on the edge of the rooftop overlooking the green field around Complex. He only knew it was around noon when Tony Stark opened the door behind him.

“You must be hungry,” was the first thing the man behind him said, trying to lighten the tense mood that must have been surrounding Bucky at that moment. But no, he didn't have time to think about mundane things.

“Not really.”

A silence settled and he knew Tony must be weighing whether or not it had been a good idea to show up there knowing he was alone. Bucky really didn't mean to be hostile, he just felt too much anger and rage against life and the universe inside his body that he wanted to get out somehow. It wasn't the right thing to do, of course, and he was trying to control himself, but he didn't deny that it would be difficult.

“I'll leave it here, anyway. Just in case.”

Bucky caught the sound of the bag and then the sound of Tony's shoes that weren't moving away but coming closer.

“Thanks.”

“It's the least I could do.”

“And you didn't have to. I was almost going down anyway.”

Tony snorted, moving closer to the wall where Bucky was leaning.

“Surely you don't even know what time it is.”

“Surely,” Bucky agreed, nodding.

Both men took a detailed look at the trees stretching a long distance away in an oddly comfortable silence.

“Did Dr. Cho say anything?”

Tony turned to watch him, and stood for a moment pondering what to say.

“Everything's fine. She ran several tests, but everything came back fine.”

“Everything's fine except her memories are gone again.”

“She thinks it may be some kind of condition left in her brain after the accident.”

“It's been over a year now, Tony.”

“I know. They're exploring every alternative.”

Bucky nodded, getting a bitter feeling in his mouth. He knew he should be grateful you were alive, but damn, did you have to go through all that?

“How's she doing?”

“She's looking good. She hit it off real quick with Christina and was eating with Clint when I came out.”

“And she's eating well?”

“Yeah, the usual.”

Bucky nodded again. Maybe he should come back, stay with you for a while and talk about some things; anything. But every time he thought about going back he felt that tug in his chest that made him recoil from any progress. He didn't want the situation to overcome him, but he was losing the battle.

“Barnes, I wanted to tell you-”

“Tony, it's not necessary.”

“It is, especially at this time.”

“No, it's not,” Bucky spat, shifting his body to stare at the mechanic. “Especially right now, it's not.”

The man pursed his lips and Bucky turned away to look at the lunch that should have been inside the white bag on the table.

“I just wanted to say I'm sorry. For everything. That was it.”

Bucky turned to look at the man who had settled in the same way, both of them with their backs to the green field. Bucky sighed, and knowing Tony he knew he couldn't leave without having his conversation. But maybe that would do him good. It had been months since he'd last talked to anyone about that situation.

“There was no way to foresee it, you know that.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Bucky watched the man shake his head as he did every time someone gave him a similar comment. He just wouldn't accept it.

“I could have been more vigilant, you know? I've spent my life trying to learn from my mistakes, trying to take care of the people in my charge, trying to do my best to keep everyone safe. I still don't understand how… How I could have made that mistake.”

“We were dealing with something bigger than ourselves. I think, even if you had gone all out, there couldn't have been any other ending. And believe me when I tell you I'm the person who would have wanted another ending.”

Bucky crossed his arms over his chest with his eyes on the rooftop floor. His mind roamed over those memories he tried not to return to under any circumstances, and he allowed it only because he couldn't deal with that situation any other way.

“I had to have tried.”

“Tony, I know you did your best. And I also know that after everything that happened you asked FRIDAY a thousand times if there would have been another chance to have avoided what happened. Did you have an answer?”

Tony didn't answer.

“Then it doesn't make sense for you to blame yourself for something you simply couldn't have controlled. I guess that's the way things were supposed to be.”

“It's unfair.”

“Life isn't fair to anyone.”

Bucky stepped away from the wall and reached over to take the bag Tony had brought him. “Thanks for this.”

And without further ado, he walked into the building once more.

--

From outside, Bucky watched you talking animatedly with Clint and Carol. Dr. Cho had told him that, although she had not yet been able to find the reason why you had lost your memories again, you were in perfect health. Bucky wanted to punch a wall, but settled for thanking her for looking out for you.

The day had gotten extremely long and he had only spent a quarter of it with you. It was already dusk and he had barely mustered the strength to come see you. And seeing you there, so giggly and happy, made him question whether he should come in and ruin all the fun. He knew his face was a jumble of a hundred emotions that he still couldn't quite control, because even seeing you caused him a sharp pain in his heart that he couldn't tolerate. So he didn't know if going in looking like that was the best choice.

But before he could weigh it further, your gaze met his through the masses of air, and his breath hitched for a few seconds.

The look of recognition you gave him brought a sense of warmth to his body. It was like wiping a damp cloth over his bruised heart. Bucky knew you didn't remember him, but that in such a short time you could give him that kind of look meant too much to him. Your face looked much more serene than the last time you had seen each other, and you no longer had so many wires around your body embedded in your skin, from what he could see from a distance.

Maybe it was indeed safe for him to enter.

Act normal, act normal…

“Hi, Bucky!” you greeted him effusively.

Bucky felt his body faint. Halfway through he planted his feet on the ground and watched the other two with you hold back smiles. Well, Clint wasn't so sneaky.

“How's it goig Bucky? Did you enjoy lunch? It was courtesy of Tony for everyone.”

“Yeah,” he replied dryly. He knew Clint was trying to keep his spirits up, but he didn't feel moodily ready to keep talking to other people, just to share a pleasant silence with you.

“Y/N ordered ravioli,” Carol added to the conversation, turning to look at your red face. “And she also ordered your lunch.”

Bucky frowned.

“I'm glad you liked it,” you mumbled in his direction, barely audible but crystal clear to him. His heart flipped, and he hated that his mind was trying to remind him of where he stood. He wanted a small moment of ignorance.

He didn't know what to say other than thank you, so he just stood there in front of them in a very awkward position.

“All right, Y/N, our fun is over.”

“You're leaving already?”

Bucky detailed you looking at Clint as he and Carol stretched to leave. He mentally wondered if it bothered you to be left alone with his presence, if you didn't want them to leave and leave you with him. If you saw him as an annoying, grumpy figure. He wondered if the others had said something to you about him that suddenly made you see him in a less sympathetic or friendly light. He wondered if-

“We have a mission to attend, and we're very punctual,” Carol's voice broke in on Bucky's train of thought.

“As soon as we get back we'll be here. We have a lot of other things to talk about.”

“Okay, have a good one!”

Bucky watched you shake your hand in farewell to the two people who were leaving the room and was surprised at how much your attitude had changed since he saw you after you woke up. But hey, it had been a while since then. Maybe you had been able to make peace with what had happened by now, and they must have told you everything?

“How are you?” Bucky found himself suddenly asking.

“I'm feeling fine. Besides the obvious, I'm not in any more pain. Dr. Cho told me I'll probably be discharged tomorrow.”

“That's good,” the man mused. “And you want to talk? About what happened.”

You made a thoughtful grimace that Bucky found quite tender, but his mind conjured up the times when you'd made similar grimaces in the past and he'd planted a kiss on your mouth. It wasn't a good time to reminisce about things like that, and the twinge in his heart proved him right.

“Not really,” you replied. “Why don't we talk about you?”

“About me?”

“Yes.”

“And what things do you want to talk about me?”

“Well, I was told that our relationship was different from the friendship I had with everyone else, so we can start there.”

“You want to know what kind of relationship we had?”

“Mm-hm.”

“We were married.”

Your eyes expanded in surprise, as if you expected any answer but that one. Which was strange for Bucky because he couldn't conceive of what other kind of relationship you could have besides a friendship.

“Married?”

“Yes.”

“But I don't have any rings,” you mumbled as you held up both hands to look at your fingers, then held them out to him, as if to let him see you weren't lying.

“You don't use it anymore.”

“Why?”

“Well…” Bucky didn't know how far to go with his historical account because he didn't know how much Dr. Cho or the others had told you and he didn't want to saturate you with information either. “What do you know about what happened?”

You took a deep breath and brought your hands to your lap as if you had been waiting for that question. It probably was.

“Dr. Cho told me that I had an accident over a year ago due to which I was in a coma and lost my memory. That a couple of months after being in the hospital I was discharged and came to live here. And that almost two days ago I had some kind of incident that caused me to lose my memory again.”

Bucky was taken aback by the matter-of-fact way you told him all that. The only thing that was going around in his mind was how before you didn't like to mention the subject at all and used to avoid it any way you could unless it was strictly necessary. At that moment it was as if you were telling someone else's story and not your own, because not a hint of emotion could be seen on your face.

“Then why don't I wear the ring?”

Bucky held his frown. This was definitely almost that much of a sharp change to the last few times he interacted with you.

“Hum… You've had it removed since the accident and I gave it to you after some time in the hospital, but I told you that you didn't have to wear it if you didn't want to.”

“Oh, I understand. So I decided not to wear it. And where is it?”

“I don't know. You kept it. Maybe it's somewhere in your room.”

“Right. I'll go look for it when I get back.”

Bucky nodded at your words not really knowing what to say. He didn't know how to act in reason to your behavior. Well, it should be good that it didn't seem to affect you as hard as it did before, but he found it hard to believe that it didn't affect you at all. Could it be that it really was?

He couldn't know for sure, but the calm expression on your face was about to convince him completely. The way you looked like you didn't have a care in the world made him feel much better, and he would definitely battle to make it last much longer.

“Besides that, is there anything else you want to tell me?”

Too many things.

“No.”

You let out a short laugh that bloomed in Bucky's chest.

“Then our relationship boils down to: we were married, and that's it.”

The man shrugged, not really having a clue what else to say about it.

At his gesture, you exhaled with a determined look.

“We were close?”

“Yes.”

“Did we make jokes?”

“Yes. You mostly.”

“It definitely had to be that way. Did we go out on dates often?”

“Yes.”

“Did we argue?”

“Not a lot.”

“Okay. Did we buy each other gifts?”

“Yeah.”

“Aw. Did we live together?”

“Sure.”

“Did we sleep in the same bed?”

“Of course.”

Bucky frowned as you stood for a few seconds in silence, just watching his face.

“We had children?”

The man went blank for a few seconds, only looking into your eyes. He definitely wasn't expecting that question, but it was something that had been on his mind a lot before.

“No.”

“Ah. So, did we travel a lot?”

“Yes, we traveled quite a bit.”

“Excellent!” you smiled genuinely at him, with that kind of smile he loved and that since the accident he had almost never seen. If he had seen it, it hadn't been directed at him. “Then we were a good match.”

Bucky smiled. It was almost an instinct. His mind flashed back to the one memory that at the time didn't cause him sadness: sometime, someday, you had told him that some questions had to be answered in a positive way to know if they had fulfilled their purpose of being a perfect couple. He didn't remember if it was those same questions, but he could make the connection to that memory he had of you at the time. Then, for a second, he allowed himself to enjoy the present. No worries, no sadness. You were alive right there in front of him, in an excellent state of health and, it seemed, a good state of mind. Beyond that, what could he ask for? All that was left for him to do was to make the most of every moment he had.

“Yes, we were a good couple.”

--------

A/N

😶😶😶😶😶

what are we thinking?

Taglist: @cjand10 @yallgotkik @ruffdog921 @coracal @its-just-kayy @pono-pura-vida @vampiresarezombies @kaz11283

[sevensoulmates]

I really appreciate you making the buddie meta post for 7x4, taking that many hours of your time just to write it and sharing it with us. I'm really grateful, I was literally giggling and kicking my feet while reading your post 💕

What a wonderful episode, it still feels like an out of body experience and I'm so happy Buck is finally free (I'm still in disbelief they gave us bi Buck in such a beautiful way).

I really wonder how they will give us the Eddie coming out arc. ¿Do you have any theories at the moment? Also why does it feels like Marisol will be kicking rocks sooner than expected? 👀

Thank you again ❤️

Thank you so much!! I mean I always have so many thoughts going round and round in my head about this show at all times so at least this gives me a place to put em.

I was beyond happy with everything we got in this episode. 10/10 no notes. I'm getting the feeling next episode is gonna be similar but is also gonna have some plot twists as well. The possibility of a double date has me V~I~B~R~A~T~I~N~G especially if Eddie doesn't realize the entire time that BuckTommy are on a date. Eddie and his queer blinders runs so deep and I want to see the way his face changes when he realizes.

I loved how they handled Buck having this discovery and I'm beyond happy they're not going the "gay for you" route with Buck (and I hope not with Eddie either). I'm glad Buck can exist in the world as a bisexual man outside of his relationships, but also in conjunction with them. They're all a part of him and he deserves to finally be settled in that aspect of who he is.

I do get the feeling that Buck's gonna be so swept up in the euphoria of figuring out his sexuality that he's likely going to be attributing a lot of those feelings to Tommy where he actually isn't wholly the cause. Don't get me wrong, I do think Buck is genuinely interested and attracted to Tommy, and I'm excited to see where that goes, but we're already getting some hints about potential issues with their relationship and I'm very intrigued about where that will go.

My prediction for Buck is that he's going to dive headfirst into whatever he has with Tommy and start seeking out the feelings/connection he has with Eddie, but in Tommy. I think the date will have some hints at Buck and Tommy trying to connect in certain ways and Buck in the back of his head finding *something* missing.

As for Eddie....HOO boy. I think that he's gonna be in for an interesting time. There's a chance he might break up with Marisol in 7x05, or I was also seeing spec about breaking up in 7x07, etc. IDK ANYMORE!! As much as I PERSONALLY would like to see them break up next episode, I think it would also be interesting to extend that relationship out a bit more just to show Eddie's sexual struggles and have her as a foil.

I'll give you what I would LIKE to see instead of what I speculate might happen because at this point the information we do know is confusing.

I would like to see Eddie feeling visibly weird about Buck dating Tommy. The reasons for him feeling that way can be nebulous at the start. I want this to cause some issues with Marisol, but I want his primary issues with Marisol explored separately from BuckTommy as well.

I would love to see more of his incompatibility with Marisol explored, whether that's in terms of how they act on a date, how they talk to each other, maybe even sexually (?). I want Eddie to genuinely start questioning why once again he's not feeling anything in a relationship with a woman. Like Ana could've been a fluke, but now Marisol too? I want him to think about why he just forces these relationships into something full-blown when most people would be able to recognize they're not attracted/into someone after the first few dates and end it.

I would love to see him possibly being dissatisfied with sex (if they go the demi route) and being really confused about if it's the sex itself, or the woman he's having sex with. I want some definitive building blocks for Eddie being like "I don't understand why I don't feel attraction to her" leading to an eventual "I don't feel attraction to women" realization. I think that Eddie's queer realization arc deserves more nuance and time put into it and a slow unveiling. I think it can still overlap with BuckTommy, with his feelings regarding them confusing him even more.

Buck getting kissed once by a man, understanding and accepting his sexuality right away, and being excited about it makes sense for his character. Eddie on the other hand I think is gonna struggle with it a lot more. I would like to see those struggles highlighted. Bring in more of his family (parents, sisters, etc) and show him struggling with heteronormativity around them. Show Eddie struggling to act "normal" in his interaction with BuckTommy when they're around him as a pair.

I would love it if a surprise kiss in the heat of the moment came in somewhere. Whether Buck is/isn't with Tommy and Eddie is/isn't with Marisol, would provide different ramifications. But I don't want the kiss to immediately lead to them getting together. I want them to have to sit with it, and maybe Eddie can then deconstruct his feelings about men, his sexuality, and his feelings for Buck at the same time. I wouldn't mind this struggle continuing over the hiatus and into the season 8 opener, or having this be a season 8 storyline altogether.

Either way, I do firmly believe Eddie's queer arc is coming down the line, and what we're seeing now is going to be the foundation for him to work up to it. As we know, Eddie doesn't really have sudden realizations. He kind of lets things build and build until it explodes and he is forced to sit down and think about it.

Also I don't believe Tim Minear about his "spur of the moment idea to have them kiss". What a liar. They were filming the scene with Buck, Tommy, and Eddie at the helicopter hangar back in January. That was a whole 3 months ago. Oliver literally said it was his first day back on set. You can't tell me you filmed that without knowing how the episode was gonna end, Tim. What a lying liar who lies. I do believe him that bringing Tommy in to replace Lucy probably meant they could streamline the queer Buck storyline faster in the season, but I firmly believe he knew they were planning to get to it at some point. There's no way Tim could've gotten the green light for it from ABC that fast without major lengthy discussions, both with TPTB and the writer's room. People take a long fucking time to respond to emails, Tim. Get better at lying.

[kaipotato]

Announcement regarding my Hermitcraft AU

hello fellas! I am happy to announce the start of the fic writing for my Hermitcraft AU, which is currently dubbed the merger au, but the name is subject to change

there is a public doc with the lore, species, and introductory stuff which can be found here

canon designs will be posted over the coming week(s), starting the day this is posted

i will try to be consistent with chapters and im planning for once every month or sooner if possible

this is also my first ever fic so it WILL have flaws

the fic will contain light shipping with NO nsfw content, possible gore, and horror imagery so if any of that makes you uncomfortable DO NOT INTERACT

all shipping is of the characters, not ccs

and for the people who are new to the au, here is the intro which is also avalible on the public spreadsheet:

-------

[The fic would follow the pov of Scar but may alternate sometimes. It is set in season 10 and Scar is still suffering the effects of Secret Life.]

 Since Scar never died in Secret Life, he was pulled out of the loop manually by the secret keeper and was almost coaxed into becoming one, but he escaped in time before any major damage was done. 

Except the secret keeper follows him.

When Scar fled the watchers' realm, he accidentally led the secret keeper to the Hermitcraft S10 world, giving them access to it and every other Hermitcraft world before it. In an attempt to communicate with Scar and bring him back to the watchers,the secret keeper uses this new “tool” to mess with reality and merge the different worlds. Some days, a random building from season 8 might show up in a crater, other days Larry may return because “the snails built him on the cart” (lie), and sometimes this even affects the hermits themselves, causing sudden wardrobe, personality, and motive changes.

 Like how Joel randomly grew a Tanooki tail when joining the server. 

Many people blamed the servers' already weird aspects in terms of species, but others suspected it was caused by the transition to becoming a “hermit.” Joel himself claimed it was caused by too much time around Etho and that it was because “Etho is so obsessed he used his mind to give me a tail so that we had something in common.” No one believed him.

And we can’t forget Etho somehow getting a glass monopoly, which was also pointed out by some when the permits were handed out, and is also not possible since every hermit only got 6 shopping permits. The keeper seemed to favor Etho in this way.

Maybe it was Magic Mountain’s looming presence and mystic powers, but Scar felt that many things were off this season. From the weird references to past seasons, Etho’s odd luck, Joel’s mutations or…..

…..was it the feeling of not being alone?

---

aaand thats all you get for now ;)

all content will be under the hermitcraft merger au tag and any ideas or fanart is welcome! <3

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

Long Death my beloved!!! It’s getting its own post this time!

🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸(that last chapter was phenomenal! The action and suspense was so well done and had me on the edge of my seat despite having already read all the snippets)

I know there’s decent odds that the story might be done by the time you get to this ask. Whether it’s done yet or not please know I have LOVED every single word of this fic it’s been so so good! It’s up there with Both Blade and Branch in terms of epic angsty supernatural love stories. Truly you’ve done a phenomenal job!

I also wanted to ask about your process with this story if you’re willing to share? I know you’ve said you had the idea before the end of season seven and you ended up reworking the whole thing, so I was just curious about your original plan. With no kim and chris not being in texas how was it going to go?

Anyways consider this an official love letter to Long Death - reading it has been a super fun journey and I’m already excited for the binge-reread I’m gonna do once it’s complete!

- PCA <3

AHHH PCA COMPARING IT TO BB&B IS EVERYTHING I COULD EVER ASK FOR! I REALLY HAVE FELT SIMILAR WHILE WRITING IT!

And great question!! So, obviously there was no Kim. It was a random vampire that attacked Eddie when he was alone. Chris was never in Texas. So Buck was raising him while vampire tracking, and Chris was MUCH madder at Eddie for leaving. No Sophia, either! So I am very glad that changed. There was more of a plot of Eddie wanting to come back to L.A. to get Buck and Chris to leave with him, rather than face his life. But I much prefer the direction it ended up taking.

48 for the last chapter!!!

---

“How can I move forward?” Buck protests. “Eddie, how can I move forward when this is all my fault?”

That stops Eddie short. His brain sort of glitches as he processes.

“What are you talking about?” He demands. “How could this possibly be your fault, Buck?”

“I should have stopped it,” Buck sobs. He’s getting really worked up now. “I should have stopped it, Eddie! I could have!”

“How?” Eddie asks, baffled. “How could you have?”

“I was sleeping when she came to the house and attacked you! If hadn’t fallen asleep, if I’d woken up sooner-”

“Buck, I walked out into the dark and tried not to wake you!”

“I-I could have brought you back to the loft so she wouldn’t have known where to find you!”

“You had no reason to believe the person who attacked me knew where I lived!”

“I… I should’ve been with you on Father’s Day. When you were attacked.”

“I told you I wanted to be alone!”

“I shouldn’t have listened!” 

“Buck!” Eddie snaps. “This is not your fault! I should have never gone out in the dark. I should have never gone over to her place when she called pretending to need me. I should have never gotten to know her to begin with or shown her where I lived. I caused my problems! I could have prevented them!”

“I could have stopped it, and I didn’t! I could have fixed it, and I failed!”

Eddie groans. “I am not another thing you have to fix!”

Buck flinches. “That’s not what I meant. Not you.”

“Just this part of me?” Eddie asks.

“The part that hurts you!”

Eddie deflates. He’s still not getting it. 

“Buck, I hurt me. And, yeah, okay. Kim, too. But the thing hurting was just me.”