#the show has always been somewhere between stupid and contrived

[vohalika]

God. I once basically threw fucking hands in an actually published article when someone calling himself The Tywin Defender tried to defend this change. Yeah, sure, Charles Dance and Maisie Williams have amazing chemistry. Anything less and people might have fucking noticed how this story line made no sense and made them both be really fucking stupid.

Like. To recap. Tywin Lannister figures out that Arya is a girl. High born. Literate. And From The North. He still lets this literate high born girl from the north in on his war meetings. His meetings. About the war. AGAINST THE NORTH. He lets her, whomst he knows can read, handle his sensitive war correspondence, about his war against the north, where she is a high born lady from who can read, all of which he knows, EVEN AFTER MAIL GOES MISSING.

It. It boggles the mind.

Like. Even if he doesn't figure out that's Arya Stark, highborn girl from the north is already a potentially valuable hostage and too much of a liability to grant this much access to. Lock her in a tower and torture her identity out of her. That'd be the Tywin move.

And it is really dumb he doesn't immediately deduce it's Arya, anyway.

Even assuming stone masons travel the realm enough to get their daughters tangled up in messes near the crownlands, noble houses sure don't. At least not without it being widely known. And since Sansa and Arya got the early installment weirdness of having no high born female companions from the north coming with them, and since Jeyne Poole has been deleted from existence, there is literally only one literate high born girl around the age of 9 unaccounted for at the time.

And look at that, she was disguised as a boy on a trip to the wall, which left from King's Landing, place where Arya Stark was last seen, and is going North, place where Arya Stark is most likely to go. FUNNY THAT.

So Tywin's dumb. Yay. But this hurts Arya as a character as well.

The reason no one puts her identity together in the book is because Arya plays the peasant more convincingly for a while - look at that theme up there, what a fun 8th grade book report by OP - AND is never handled by people who have all the information or cause to bother putting things together about her.

That distance while being confronted with the more immediate horrors of her situation are ALSO the reason she uses her three kills on globally less important threats than Tywin that were still more immediate to her. It is way more believable that those would be her priorities in the books, but on the show, she. She literally spends her days. Listening to Tywin planning how to defeat her family in war. And the best she can think of is mail fraud and covering up mail fraud?

(Gendry brings this up at the beginning of season 3. Her reason is because shut up. Pretty much verbatim.)

And the things we missed out on! No prison break, no weasel soup, no set up for Roose switching sides, and for what? Getting a metaphorical pat on the head from daddy Tywin, actively trying to kill the rest of her family, and bonding over how most girls are stupid except for maybe his daughter.

Which... Sets up the weird identification thing Arya has going with Cersei. It is a thing, it comes back when she bonds with Cersei's actress in season 6 instead of maybe the person portraying her actual sister. You know, whomst she is implied to play in the Mercy chapter. Naaah, that would make sense or something. Gaaaaah.

love that arya serving as roose's cupbearer served to open her eyes to the way in which class and status literally erases the smallfolk from the perceived realities of their lords (a lesson further reinforced in her travels with sandor where simply wearing ratty clothes is enough for knights to just not notice the most recognizably marred face and most wanted man in all of westeros) and then in the show serving as tywin's cupbearer was just "we wish charles dance was our dad :( he would be so stern but also loving to us :(( we would impress him with our gumption i mean sorry arya would impr-"

[hopevalley]

What are your favorite and least stories from each Season and why?

Oh man, this is a really thought-provoking question! I’ll try to come up with good answers (even though sometimes the seasons blur together a little bit):

I’ll give some basic thoughts on each season and what worked/didn’t work for me.

Season 1

While I appreciate that they made the effort to have Elizabeth stick out (vs. blending in with all the Poors), she was downright unbearable at times in the early seasons. Her wanting to help and coming up with ideas is pretty decent in terms of story structure and even characterization/character motivation, but holy cow was it intrusive and nosy/patronizing of her sometimes! I think the point might have been to give Elizabeth flaws, which is great, but people just seemed to accept it, and her, too quickly, at least for my liking. A shame because I felt like her struggling to fit in would 1) be good for her character/force her to understand that to be accepted here she has to concede to giving up her former lifestyle, and 2) be a great, GREAT way for her and Abigail to bond and become friends, since this is something Abigail also struggled with!

So basically, the ‘story’ of Elizabeth coming to fit in in Coal Valley? Vaguely rubbish.

So much DID work, though, and could have been expanded upon for even better storytelling!!! This is especially true of the widows/related stories.

Loss of faith/faltering faith

Loss of personal identity

Moving on/past grief

Processing guilt 

Protecting the memory of a deceased loved one

We also had some great smaller personal stories.

Genius child has to work in the mine because there’s no one else ot take care of his family

Young man can’t read and has to work in the mine (and even after he does start learning how to read, probably doesn’t get to leave). Elizabeth still taking the time to try and help him still means something!

Season 2

I will never forgive the series for its convoluted attempt at a love triangle, here. Charles wasn’t unlikable, but he was OBVIOUSLY interested in Elizabeth romantically, and I don’t feel she’d be so stupid as to be blind to that, old chum or not.

Basically, it was one of the worst plots to ever exist on the show, because it just wasn’t believable in any capacity and felt like drama that existed to be a roadblock more than anything.

Also, not to whine, but Bill’s whole ‘counterfeit money’ plotline wasn’t very well-written.

The plot itself makes sense, but the way it bounced around seems to have just confused enough people that no one even remembers this was a thing.

That said, I think it was a good plot for the character... It was just not executed as well as it needed to have been to make a difference/really shine.

There are a lot of small things from S2 that were pretty nice, though.

Abigail’s fight to help Clara was meaningful, but I’m not sure how I feel about the addition of Clara from a writing standpoint. I feel like Abigail should have felt something was off about Peter’s trips from the start... The issue is that Hamilton is VERY far away and it’s VERY doubtful Peter would have ever gone there. Union City makes more sense if we’re talking about picking up shipments.

Tom and Julie were entertaining if nothing else.

I couldn’t tell you a single thing that happened in Hope Valley in S2, but I’m sure there were Events.

Season 3

Honestly I don’t think S3 had anything horrible in it. It just wasn’t very inspiring at times? It was like they had all these really good ideas but didn’t want to fully commit to any of them.

Henry Gowen was a star.

Frank was excellent in this season.

The biggest issue I have with this plot is simply that they didn’t take it all the way. Either he’s a dangerous man to allow to stay in town or he’s not. Saying he is doesn’t make it so. A rock through a window? Okay, sure...that’s threatening I guess. But it didn’t feel like enough to turn the whole town.

And again, having him barely doing anything even though he’d definitely be worried for Abigail and Cody’s safety is just inane.

Still, overall the whole thing was pretty good/well-done. Especially that unexpected turn at the end where Henry helped turn the tide. (I still wish that had gone somewhere and wonder even now if they had an idea they wanted to use and didn’t get the chance to.)

Abigail adopting children was nice. I wish Becky hadn’t been a part of it at all though. Like the IDEA is nice, but I can’t imagine she’d believe in it all as fast/readily as she does? This plotline just seemed great for Cody and meaningless to Becky, IMO.

But hey, the thing with Cody is meaningful enough. My issue is just that he’s like, 8 or 9 and remembers his parents very clearly, so I don’t think he’d be that willing to replace them. I guess it could just be his personality, but it might make more sense for him to be like 5-6 years old instead (less attached with fuzzier memories by this point if they’ve been on the run awhile).

Despite my qualms I think this was a pretty good story for Abigail. Just wish they hadn’t dropped her role as a mom as quickly as it felt they did.

Hattie was a good character and I enjoyed her introduction story. It was sad, but it felt good/satisfying.

Bill buying Henry’s share in the café was a great little thing. Maybe too convenient and itching for a story of its own (instead of it just happening), but overall a good idea.

Jack’s mom coming to town was entertaining. She had some really good lines. Lard in coffee. I mean...this was gold.

Season 4

The peddler was a cute addition but I didn’t much care for the overt magical element.

If it felt a little more real/grounded/down to earth I think I might have been more intrigued. 

Frank getting his original Bible back was a GREAT story but when they tried tying it into his vaguely stalker-like behavior? It just ruined the entire thing.

For what it’s worth, Frank’s character goes downhill pretty sharply in this season.

There were a lot of cute kid storylines in this one. But they weren’t all...great...

Robert telling the lie about the bear? Nice.

The kid with the knee brace? Ugh.

The storyline itself wasn’t bad!

But after Becky miraculously recovered the previous season it just felt like a slap in the face. I live with chronic pain and it’s just one of those things where I’d like a little representation somewhere.

I still think Becky should have stayed wheelchairbound.

I can’t get over how insulting it was that she just MIND OVER MATTER FIXED HERSELF. The writer who put that in there should be slapped, and the writer who wrote the saME GODFORSAKEN STORY AGAIN with this child should also be slapped.

I really feel that if they were gonna let Becky recover like that, this kid should be living with a permanent disability and this episode could deal with kids helping him play/doing activities he could participate and enjoy.

Maybe it’s too on-the-nose but the hardest part about a chronic illness/disability of any kind is the part where you lose things you loved to do that you considered a part of your identity. That’s an awfully deep storyline for WCtH, but they should have gone for it here.

Phillip was in between.

Phillip and his father were great, but Elizabeth was just SO incredibly awful. This is where she and Abigail started always being right about everything and I felt her involvement was unbearable.

They should have just let Faith take over Elizabeth’s role in that plot and it would have been way better. They could have had the eyesight issue earlier and done something great with it.

Frank and Abigail’s relationship at the beginning of this season was pretty interesting. Even though the whole “danger” thing was a little goofy, it was nice to see them communicating and adjusting. 

It felt like a natural issue people would actually have. And it wasn’t smoothly worked out, which is fine.

Also, Rosemary’s interference was hilarious.

RIP to the following:

Frank’s character after his earlier scene, because he doesn’t get anything else that’s actually in character.

Good writing because Carson is now the town hero he’s gonna save Cody from appendicitis because other doctors are just completely stupid!

Also Carson is a surgeon so TAKE THAT, regular doctors!

Doug. You were a real bro, my guy.

I DID like Doug’s role in the story, though. His death made some sense, but it was ill-timed. (How convenient that we only even hear of him moments before his death lol.)

AJ Foster is a highlight of S4 for me. I love her, and for the most part I love her introduction.

She’s such a pain in the neck, but she also talks a lot of sense.

The writing isn’t great for her, or for Bill in these scenes, but at least there was An Attempt™.

I appreciate that they introduced the idea of her much earlier in the season and built up to her actual appearance, which I couldn’t have guessed would be relevant early on.

Considering how the officers at my company hate our IRS auditor, I find the fact that AJ has enemies beyond believable.

Railroad shenanigans were pretty entertaining in this season, too.

Season 5

The last episode at least tried to be kind to the characters, so I appreciate it.

Elizabeth’s conversation with her father before her wedding was a highlight of the entire season.

AJ’s return plot was abysmal.

I’d be terribly embarrassed to have been the one to write this, especially considering how completely whack it feels next to the other plots.

I’ve ranted about this so many times I should have run out of steam but BOY is it cringey. This is the height of Bill-is-a-grumpy-old-man as a Thing in this series and this is probably when it is its worst.

The rattlesnake plotline was contrived as heck, but the only thing to make it worse was how weird everyone acted.

Rhonda was a good character and the plotline, if it wasn’t so rushed, would have actually been really great. I still liked it overall, though.

Frank’s send-off was dumb, but at least he got one on-screen.

I still can’t believe they killed their main romantic male lead off-screen.

What the heck...

Abigail was really, really annoying in this season, and so was Elizabeth. Unbearable.

Also, I still hate the pregnancy oooops~~ ♥♥ plot at the end of the grieving episode. Really? COME ON. I know they wanted to give the fans hope but it was jarring.

Season 6

I still HATE the nativity == baby Jack’s birth parallels. 

Why did they feel the need to do that. Why couldn’t we have just gotten pregnant Elizabeth shenanigans?

They put Jack’s DEATH ON THE TOMBSTONE like how is she popping out a baby less than two months later when she didn’t even know she wa---?F?DJSAFLJDSAFHLDSAL?

Abigail?

DELETED.

Thank goodness.

Bill?

Assassinated. Or at least, his character was.

This is bad. :(

On the plus side he gets promoted to the position of JUDGE...and barely does anything worthwhile with it...yet.

GODFATHER BILL. The best thing in this season.

Fiona?

A goddess. I love her.

Lucas?

Slimy.

But handsome.

The 4th Property Brother. He even tries his hand at renovating.

Nathan?

Honest and good.

Pretty cute.

Works together with Bill once in one of Bill’s only good scenes.

The oil plotline is actually pretty good/fun. Jesse and Clara get more scenes finally. 

Elizabeth isn’t the focus of everything.

Lee and Rosemary got like, no mention in any of these posts but mostly because it felt like they were never really doing anything before, but I did feel like they were given a little more meaningful lines/places in this season.

--

How’s this for an attempt? :P I’m probably missing A LOT but I can’t recall everything too easily!

[ghostfriendly5]

“But when the face of Sextus was seen among the foes,

A yell that rent the firmament, from all the town arose,

On the house-tops was no woman, but spat at him and hissed,

No child but screamed out curses, and shook its little fist.”

-Horatius at the Bridge

Looking on Goblin Slayer, my heart feels something very like the Eternal City abhorring the arch-rapist Sextus Tarquinius and all his works. When an entire world is cack-handedly contrived to generate the cheap, casualised, gratutious rape of ridiculously unadvised rookies and endless, voiceless villagers, so that a man with a big sword can slaughter the rapists and be called a hero, it’s astonishing that he isn’t generally recognised as the focal point of all evil. The one who truly gained from What Happened To Fighter, was not the goblins but the ‘hero’ whose whole career is based on the exploitation of rape victims. Avenging rape is a righteous act, but killing rapists while silencing (hence shaming) victims served up for his glory by a rape machine disguised as a fantasy world, is exploitation. Realism is not inventing a pack of rapists and a pack of idiots. As a hero, Goblin Slayer is nothing but male wish fulfilment, and any male wish fulfilment which involves rape will almost certainly be as misogynist and disgusting as this.        

The message of Goblinslayer is not that dragons can be slain but that there will always be goblins, and always be rapes. Rape isn’t an outrage that must be purged from society, but the commonplace fate of any strong, boundary transgressing woman who does not conform to the caster-healer-archer stereotype, or does not attach herself to the harem of a big strong man. This is not the message that a world of sexual harassment and rape victim blaming needs. Rather than condemning rape or giving any tribute to survivors, this story would rather glorify something as meaningless and manly as Goblin Slayer’s competence at his job. Like a hillbilly showing off his well-used collection of guns, car parts or fishing rods when A WOMAN HAS BEEN RAPED AND DENIED RECOVERY and if we would prefer to hear how many goblins this fellow has killed, and what a big firebomb he has, something has gone badly wrong somewhere. Competence is not even intelligence but brainless, small-minded application to a set problem of slaying goblins without effectively training adventurers or defending villages, or considering the hopeless stupidity of the whole world, situation and context. The only thing that annoys me more than claims of Goblin Slayer being a thoughtful and intelligent work, is the abhorrent lie that writing about the trauma of male witnesses to rape is worth completely silencing and sidelining the victims themselves, as if their ordeal, My Gosh!, had somehow destroyed their value as women. Curse, abhor, spit on and banish this false Sextus.

The pseudo-racism of Goblin Slayer subconsciously appeals, I suspect, to a similar class of people as its misogyny and fetishisation of competence (Repeat, this is not most GS fans, just a subset). Order of The Stick, Shadowrun, mainstream D & D and other worlds represent a general movement away from Always-Evil races, as the racist origins and stupidity of that idea became happily apparent. Giving us goblin rapists to hate panders to the same ignoble humans failings as giving us Mexican rapists to hate. In the real world, humans like Goblin Slayer who believe that all Mexicans/Blacks/Jews/Muslims/Infidels/WOMEN are irredeemably evil are not the heroes, but the villains. A recovered Fighter is the hero our world needs, and here I stand. Not a racist, rape-exploiting, harem-mongering, Doom-ripped-off, thud-and-blunder, shamelessly unironic he-man.

If this offends anyone, please think about the difference between a criticism of an anime you like, and an insult to all rape survivors in the world, that was the most popular anime of 2018 worldwide. This is a situation, along with the election of Trump, and Brexit, which is causing me quite enough grief already before anyone tries to explain that some positive aspect of Goblin Slayer outweighs victim shaming, or repeats some in-universe justification for a show that, from the real world, can be seen as a poisonous midden.           

[derkastellan]

Review: The Butlerian Jihad (Dune)

Where to start... Just having finished The Butlerian Jihad by Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson I find myself disappointed by the whole thing, though the writing was on the wall hundreds of pages ago. I had originally hoped that the rather thick softcover would cover the topic so broadly displayed on its cover but even of that I remain in doubt...

The Butlerian Jihad is a prequel written to Frank Herbert’s Dune cycle. The inspiration is a historical event used in those books to explain the absence of thinking machines and artificial intelligence. Herbert always painted in broad enough strokes to leave the history of his world in mystery while also providing explanation as to the why of his specific setup. The forces in play he set up for his world seem like they either were never meant to be described in more detail, and if they were, one would wish a master such as the late Herbert himself would have done so.

Prequels often suffer from similar weaknesses but even as they do, this one reads more like a Michael Stackpole novel than a true installment of Dune. Stackpole I remember fondly for his BattleTech novels that I read as a teenager. He wove a set of events, provided action scenes, a little hint of sex here and there. He is a solid, entertaining author, firmly rooted in the craft of making action-oriented, logical books, even trilogies if needed. The book at hand can also at most claim this for itself: It has been crafted. As so many prequels it also fails to surprise or to add, staying firmly rooted within the canon of the books it tries to lead up to.

Now, fandom is of course a reason for this. A prequel often avoids changing established facts or at best makes them seem in a different light. A movie like Solo just plays out the moments once alluded to in throwaway sentences. That is, of course, tripe. The Star Wars movies known as the prequels, on the other hand, try to also paint a picture of a dying world, and as such they have something to offer even if the outcome is predictable. Somewhere in between The Butlerian Jihad finds itself.

Little did I know that this was the first book in a trilogy when I grabbed it. In picking up the book at a used book store the outside fails to mention this fact, though it is mentioned inside the cover in the form of an ad. This already explains a lot about the book because it clocks in at roughly 1 1/2 times the pages of the vastly superior God Emperor of Dune, while offering precious little in terms of plot development. I mean, books 2, 3, and 4 of the Dune cycle have sometimes been criticized for their pacing but I think The Butlerian Jihad has them beat. A rather too big cast is introduced to serve as backdrop for impressions that are meant to convey scale and nature of the conflict to us. Sadly, a lot of the book merely reads like filler, often repeating the same point about a character without any poignancy.

Example? Head sorceress Zufa Cenva of Rossak is incapable of appreciating anything about her lover Aurelius Venport or her daughter Norma Cenva at the beginning, middle, and end of the book. Aurelius in turn tries to find her acknowledgment at the beginning, middle, and end of the book. The only one of the three that has a minimal character arc is Norma, who, after finding a job, dismisses her perpetually angry mother. Her minimal yet entirely predictable character arc makes her seem at least somewhat interesting. 

Predictability is one of the main traits of the whole book. Now, prequels tend to be rather predictable as one can spot telltale signs of where a certain idea is heading. TBJ makes this all-too-easy. This wouldn’t be so lame were the book not constantly to praise humanity’s ability to surprise, something which the characters (and so in turn the authors) fail to do entirely.

The book also choses a weak setup. Thinking machines need not equate a singularity. The arch villain of the story, however, is “Omnius the evermind.” An AI ruling most of human-inhabited planets, he serves as a rather weak counterpart for the story. He is entirely predictable, seems to have little ideas of his own, a weak ability to execute on them, and frankly, plain dumb and ineffective. One wishes for “him” to encounter Marvin the depressed robot and commit robo suicide.

Now, Omnius watches everything through his watcheyes but nothing relevant for the plot to proceed. His processing capacity is apparently insufficient to monitor and surveil globally. Even after 1,000 years he seems to have completely miscalculated how many machines he needs to keep humanity in check - and he also seemed to have no impetus to build an ever larger array of thinking machines to bring up the number. He seems entirely content to keep a predictable contingent of somehow independent-yet-not-independent robots around and sulk on his worlds while humans live as slaves. His motivations are completely unclear and entirely illogical throughout the book. He does not appear alien or enigmatic but entirely indecisive, flawed, and unable to press a point. He shares thoughts among his various copies through a few update ships which transfer copies. Even just thinking how these updates could possibly work seems more interesting than the book itself.

His partner in crime is Erasmus, a somewhat independent robot which Omnius keeps around as a sort of entertainment or to see if he can create something helping to predict humans better. Erasmus is a good thinking machine in that he is also entirely predictable. But maybe just because he is a character in this novel... Having to serve as the villain standin he conducts experiments reminiscent of Josef Mengele, twin studies no less, and needless vivisections. Being a device he definitely serves as a convenient plot device... He also proves that the thinking machines are entirely stupid to begin with... leading to one of the weakest points in the book.

Erasmus has actually a wager with Omnius that he can trigger a revolt inside the slave population, proving to Omnius (in a sort of “I’m smarter than you” move) that he is useful in understanding what motivates them. He is entirely incapable of anticipating that this would lead Omnius to see humanity as a bigger threat than anticipated and hence in need of extinction. Erasmus weak logical thinking has no consequences because that copy of Omnius is conveniently eradicated through the following revolt and plot events that allows Erasmus to escape to serve as the villain in another book again.

Now, the events that Erasmus sets in motion prove that almost no human in this book shows any agency. Their priorities are set by outside forces. The core of human rebellion starts with Erasmus formenting unrest and telling Omnius about it and yet nothing of it is discovered by Omnius even after that revelation. Conveniently the most dangerous rebel leader and his people are in place right when Erasmus creates an atrocity, triggering a rebellion. Given the constant cruelty exposed by the cyborg Titans throughout the book this moment seems artificial, contrived, and reeks of deus ex machina, apparently one of the main ways this book is crafted.

As an example of a human plot device, Vorian Atreides is aboard an Omnius update ship also for plot convenience. His ship conveniently reaches the newly conquered colony Giedi Prime exactly as it has been retaken by free humans but before they can claim the world fully, offering an immediate window for his escape. He also manages to return to Earth exactly after the rebellion started there but before the rebels storm Erasmus’ villa of horrors in spite of the fact the rebellion started there.

In essence the book has a staggering variety of plot holes and events linked by deus ex machine timing. The contradictions in the plot are also striking. The Titans are a group of brains-in-jars that use giant robot bodies. They originally subjugated humanity through hacking the original AIs serving mankind with more aggressive programming to serve as their army. They in turn grew complacent and when the laziest one gave in turn too much self-control to a thinking machine, Omnius was “born” and immediately and rapidly took over.

One has to wonder... how? Omnius, after 1,000 years of rule (an often repeated point) seems to sluggishly keep his copies in sync, yet managed to outpace the Titans in his rebellion and took over before they could do anything to prevent it. Omnius is behaving like a fast-replicating computer virus when the story needs it and remains an indecisive villain the rest of the time. His inability to deal with human surprise is constantly reiterated yet the Titans find no way to foil him in a millenium.

The Titans, in turn, are weak characters as well. They are constantly aggressive, repeat the same personality flaws ad infinitum, and only make smart moves when it the plot requires a setback for the free humans. The Titans and Omnius never resort to a simple plan where a plan prone to failure presents itself. Agamemnon’s plan to destroy a shield generator in the first battle is foiled by concentrating troops and fire. Defending the thing that acts as main defense of a planet is not actually tactical genius but is presented as such. (Omnius’ spy probes manage to retrieve the perfect intelligence without anyone mentioning how - like how can they know about the Holtzman Scrambler in the first place?) In the second battle, Agamemnon wins by simply dropping a big thing on top of the shield generator instead. Agamemnon loses his third battle because he apparently has no means to think. Cymeks (brains-in-jars with robot bodies) are especially vulnerable against psionic suicide attacks by the sorceresses of Rossak. In order to deal with that problem, he goes to Rossak, and uses a cymek assault against the group most effective against them. The cymeks get annihilated by predictable means and the Titans leave. Why did we need that scene?

So, in two out of the three battles Agamemnon knows what’s his enemies’ strong and weak points are and completely fails to use them. If all the book wants to do is portray Agamemnon as an incompetent fool then it certainly does well. How did he ever win any battles before? He can’t win them with overwhelming odds and superior intelligence. Sun Tzu is disappointed in you, Agamemnon. How did you conquer an empire before?

The whole thing seems like a comedy of errors. Somehow it needs Erasmus’ duplicate folly of inciting dissent and killing a child in plain view to start a comparatively successful rebellion. The rebellion succeeds largely with element of surprise and few suitable weapons and even destroys a giant Titan. Days later the much bigger ranks of the rebels are incapable of offering any significant resistance to... more Titans, doing the same... because it is not convenient for the plot. It is not really explained how they succeed initially, but they do. They in turn fail to achieve anything inconvient to the plot. And they are all killed to prove how cruel the machines and Titans really are. To top the whole love affair with genocide, the free humans arrive ... months later? And then blast all of Earth with nuclear weapons. Which conveniently prevents that copy of Omnius to ever get cloned. Which hasn’t happened yet because plot.

The slave rebellion on the “free human” world of Poritrin in turn fails but is there to show how cruel humans can be, including another one of these scene of senseless gore that the book provides whenever it wants to make a lasting impact on the reader. One is left with the impression that machines are cruel, brains-in-jars are even more cruel, and free humans are often ignorant and cruel, too, unless they just happen to love their babies or hang out with their family. 2002 also did not seem like a year that needed the point “slavery is evil” reiterated, but somehow the book feels compelled to do so. In the end, all is swallowed by plot convenience: The rebellion on Earth succeeds as far as needed to move the plot forward. Several protagonists escape Earth. Then it falters all of a sudden in spite of having momentum. The rebellion on Poritrin runs in parallel and also suddenly falters in spite of spreading rapidly. The rebellion on Earth is supposed to be ignited by religious fervor inspired into it by one protagonist. The religious fervor of the Zensunni and Zenshiites kepts as slaves on Poritrin, however, proves entirely ineffective.

If all of this is meant as a deep parable on world events or anything I failed to notice it because of the weak writing and pacing of the book. As a prequel it fails to introduce anything new. Its characters are inconsistent. Their reasoning is weak and one is surprised that among the billions of humans in a thousand years no one had better ideas than this. Also, a big part of the story is driven by characters that feel they must act for some reason - like the impatient Agamemnon. How did they fail to act for centuries before? How did their constantly flaring tempers not put them in trouble much earlier? It is said that machines are incredibly patient but you can see the Titans are not. Why does Omnius keep slaves around at all? What does he need of humanity?

The book succumbs to the illogical behavior of its protagonists in the end. The free humans nuke Earth in a symbolical gesture. What is that meant to accomplish? Their reasoning does not make sense at all. They already know the rebellion there is dead. It however provides a good rationale for Omnius to keep humans around: as hostages.

The book revels in portraying cruelty and gore. It also meanders about in search of a plot point it actually, tries to make. All the things setting up the importance of Arrakis also have to happen in the same time frame as if hurriedly setting up a stage. Holtzman shields and Holtzman effect, glowglobes and suspensor fields, the importance of Arrakis spice, folding space - most of this is set in motion during this book, in course of the same few months, as if the authors want to emulate the old fallacy that technological progress is somehow supercharged during times of war (when it really is mostly the hunt for weaponized applications in reality). But there are ten millenia between this time and the next book - I hope they invented something after this war as well?

So, if you think my review meanders all over the place, then let me tell you this book does so much much worse. It portrays parallel story threads for the sake of other books that amount to little in this one. The motivations of both thinking machines and human characters are exceedingly simple. The biggest character arc in this book is reserved for Serena Butler: Starting as a humanitarian she goes from wanting to help people to being abused and tortured and ends up as wanting some sort of glorified revenge.

Unless the other two books are of a higher quality, I’m sure no plot contrivance will be left unattempted to force the needed outcome.

[monkey-network]

Steven Universe is Anime Garbage (And That’s Okay)

WARNING: This is gonna be a very weebish brain fart. I didn't come into writing it for any purpose, I just decided to write out my general stream of thoughts to see where it took me. This was the result. Thank you, take care out there, and enjoy.

A key to enlightenment is the severance of attachment

Can’t deny it. Steven Universe is a cartoon practically on the boundary with its many fans. Some find it engaging and wonderful, others find it wasted potential and struggling, and others are terrible fans with no sense of control or integrity, like most fandoms really. But I, a fan since its beginnings, wish to make a case that could potentially bring everything and everyone together in somewhat reasonable understanding (a stretch, somewhat). Steven Universe is a trash anime....and it is the best trash out here. Now I’m not saying this because it has an anime look, or that Jasper is a tsundere, or especially...

“Hey it’s a reference to that one anime that’s also very aesthetic™ and sad with lesbians and allegories!”

Nah, I’ll be real with you here. Now we really can’t deny that Steven Universe has its major flaws, not a hard pill to swallow way I see it. Wishy washy in tone, seldom in world building, basic animation, off putting character models, and so forth (though the last point is a malleable nitpick tbh). Furthermore, we can’t deny that the “plot” is up in the air and really not in the mood on coming down with anything truly shaking yet (putting a pin in that). But, I won’t deny that it looks good, some characters are worth my investment, and there is some development to be had in all this, for better or for worse. You could say it’s down the middle, so where am I going with this? Well, I think I found something that may be able to bring this together: Sword Art Online

*imitating Austin Powers* YEAH, BABY!

For those unaware, Sword Art Online is a light novel turned RPG Game turned full series anime about thousands of people getting trapped in a VR game with one seeking to escape by beating the 100 levels of the game. It has action, death, good game feel, wonky gameplay, and fanservice.... I do not and will not recommend this to anyone, nor am I just comparing this to Steven U because both have OP protagonists, a myriad of female characters, and how one character is generally Lars if a better person initially. To repeat, I’m not saying these shows are the same in plot and such. Though the similarities certainly come in their perceptions and reactions.

Also dual wielding

Let me sidetrack a bit and do understand, at the time SAO premiered, otakus, anime fans, and even esports fans were hyped! This was before My Hero Academy blew millions away, before Attack on Titan throttled its theme music onto people, many were stoked and kept up that stokeness for this for quite a bit. This was SAO’s keepsake: Mass Appeal and timing. Then people started seeing the cracks of the show’s true faults, and now we’re at the point where more of the franchise is coming and the fandom is dragging between people that find it sucks or never should’ve been invested in the first place, people that continue to make the lemons into lemonade regardless, and the creeps (you know who they are). Sound familiar?

I mean we could say the same thing for the current Star Wars fandom, but that’s a tad more complicated

But this isn’t enough to say this is trash anime. No, like SAO, there is one thing that can tie everything together to implode into an enveloping infinite wormhole of foolishness and cleverness. One moment that just brought everything together and is gonna put everything together in the end. The definitive proof that...

Rose Quartz was the Origami Killer all along!!

But seriously, this was a twist that certainly cemented itself into being on par in writing with SAO and similar trash series. I mean, from a meta perspective, it’s pretty hilarious that the biggest twist the show presented was mostly considered a joke in the same way people thought The Simpsons could predict the future with the absurdist jokes they made. And really, all the symbolism and foreshadowing from every episode previously doesn’t excuse the blue balls I felt with the recent two seasons. I’m sorry guys, the eye opening revelation can go so far with someone who was only glad something actually came together after so long (even if the episode leading up to it lacked that “special shit”).

But as for Pink Diamond being the real Rose Quartz, the twist admittedly lack that impactful-ness and really shows how they’re twanging a string in the efforts to make you take the story seriously. For one thing, it’s pretty stupid to believe that nobody questioned the abilities the one Rose had compared to a typical quartz, not to mention that it felt pretty convenient that she never lost her form revealing her gem to anyone beside Pearl. Secondly, it kinda bait and switches not just the ideal, but a reasonable idea of Rose Quartz for just being the ambitious dictator turned anti-villain bent on liberating the Earth from her bigger than thou parents and more or less her own armada. Like, “Ha ha, you thought Rose Quartz was an ordinary gem that had to make genuine sacrifices in her efforts to best the higher ups and liberate her kind. But in reality, she had the abilities to win all along and generally did everything for the sake of not being a dictator anymore. MWAHAHAHAAAA” We can examine the complexities behind her motivations all we’d like, but that just feels like rewriting the already stupefying concept to make it sound more sensible.

Funny enough, Rose could’ve definitely working as the Charles Xavier of this series but they never delve into that reasonably valuable concept*

Lastly, it sort of--lack of a better term--irons out the whole show up with Steven being Pink Diamond, if that makes sense. In the back of my mind, I’ve generally lost my suspension of disbelief in believing that a fourteen year old child is not only the reformation of a failed rebel leader, but said failed rebel leader actually being the supposed antagonist and jumpstarting source behind everyone’s frustrations, ambitions, and tragedies. As if Steven wasn’t special enough on the fact that he can revive the dead, like Sword Art Online, it’s already apparent that he’ll generally win in the end due to him being the Special, the Ninetail, the Last Jedi, the Hollow, and the Fullbring all in one. It’s kinda hard getting invested in your story when I can’t care about your protagonists! Maybe he might actually suffer long term consequences, but I don’t have much in the future since it now feels hard to relate to the protagonist, who by the way is the central protagonist meaning no episode can go without his presence apparently.

He’ll enter your dreams if he must

And I’m afraid that Steven Universe has officially sunk to trash tier anime. And frankly, it’s always been anchored to this. I mean with SAO, as much as I saw before quitting, there was plot variety, not plot flips. It is one thing to have your series shift from light villain of the week slice of life to something like Oedipus Rex, but to get this far, nose diving into this belly flop of a reveal, to then ask to be taken with a modicum of seriousness, what? To put so much ambition into your work, that you’re essentially believing your own hype, barely exploring a big handful of your own ideas, until now, trying to make sympathy and reason coincide with the villain(s) instead of making them somewhat real. One could say “Monkey, it’s not about taking on villains, it’s about achieving resolve within the group’s personal struggles.” And while that is a reasonable and pathetic way of saying violence can’t resolve things, it doesn’t bear the fact that the Crystal Gems were essentially fighting villains beforehand while achieving resolve, so why change things up now? Especially when the villains before don’t bear any quirk of their own besides being relative to the plot. Or a plot, since again, it wants to be taken seriously with the “story” it has, but juggles way too many things that it can feel hilariously jarring when the show actually gets somewhere.

And as a character drama, the establishment of its world and idealogies don’t feel as valuable when the importance and passion to them are continuously muddled or dull

And this is the way of trash anime. People shouldn’t have to continuously think of how things could’ve been better, why plotlines and characters don’t mesh well, why it can just feel so contrived. Yeah it’s unfortunate that an SU Critical community exists, and yeah sometimes they deserve scrutiny because some try to make it deeper than it is, but we can’t deny that this all appeared from a vacuum. With criticisms can come a consistent string of logic that some things have turned up wrong, something that the series failed to grasp previously. Like SAO, most Shonen works, and “those” shows that I won’t speak of, this series was and has become a glorified gamble on your interests and the anticipation to see where it lands, how cathartic it’ll be, and what’s to look forward to and look back on.... has somewhat slimmed. While it is most certainly its own thing, it doesn’t bear that evolutionary yet timeless nuance Avatar and Adventure Time has, nor the continually captivating hook the best anime can have with its episodes and characters. This series has gotten stupid...and I say it’s not wrong to think that way.

Anime isn’t that big of a mistake, you guys. Come on.

If there’s anything I learned as one of the smartest idiots around, it’s that stupidity can be enjoyable; trust me, I know. So while I say SU’s anime garbage, I’m not saying it’s the bad kind that kills your mood/investment like the shit I found. it’s the Rocket Raccoon of Cartoon Network (and if you’ve seen Guardians 2 and get where I’m coming from, I love you for it). It’s still enjoyable, for the most part, and I’m not gonna ignore the influence it had on its fans. Hell, Black Panther is a movie I find flawed as fuck, but I and the millions (and the millions) still recognize and appreciate it for what it provided, for black people especially. While it can be predictable, there are some good moments to think over, for better or for worse, like how the Rose Quartz was subtly hinted at throughout the seasons. It’s still competent in some aspects, there are a few characters I still love and, to unpin, things look like they’re finally heating up. It still has that “Fuck yeah” spirit buried underneath, like many anime good and trash. It’s certainly better than Star vs th- Point I’m getting at is that this series sure as hell ain’t bulletproof, but I’ll gladly bandage it up and see it through to the end. Not as some guilty pleasure, but as a series that staggers constantly and consistently but makes up in keeping it compelling (in a way). That’s a quality only the best trash anime achieves, shooting itself in the foot while proudly making that run to the finish line. I’m not just blatantly criticizing it or supporting all the hype it makes, I’m embracing it for going this long with this many bruises, willing to take more hits, all the while never really losing sight of what it set out to do. I’ll still smack it upside the head for the stupid shit it might pull, because I know it can and will, but that smack is delivered with love. And really, is that not a reasonable feeling to have?

Steven U is anime garbage... and I’m fine with that.

[aros001]

Read through light novel vol. 5. Random thoughts.

Yeah, I can see why this volume was adapted into a movie. How good of an adaptation the movie is, I have no idea because I haven't seen it yet.

A crude pelt. For a weapon, a hatchet it must have stolen from somewhere. Its color was good; it showed no sign of starving.

I love this little detail. It's follows an obvious logic but it's not anything most people would even think of. Yeah, of course Goblin Slayer would pay attention to a goblin's color. How well-fed a goblin is hints at how strong the nest as a whole is likely to be and how well they've been able to gather food for themselves.

“Yes. And we don’t have much time to search.” Goblin Slayer jogged up to an intersection, then moved close to Priestess as if asking her to watch his back. To be suddenly so close to him—her heart began to race, even though she knew this was entirely platonic.

Yeah, that went in one ear and other the other for the shipper side of me. It's only a half-serious ship, since there's the age difference between the two and Cow Girl is more likely to be the endgame (if there even is one), but it's easy to get wrapped up in the two since they're the ones I've seen the more interaction, attachment, and development between. I like Cow Girl a lot and her relationship with Goblin Slayer but she is usually up at the farm away from everything that's happening, so I don't have as solid a picture of their relationship as I do with him and Priestess.

It's pretty clever writing that the goblins learned how to make an arrow that deliberately breaks apart after Goblin Slayer did it to only one them even once. Despite all his warnings about the dangers of leaving even a single goblin alive after a battle because of how they'll grow and learn from it, it only feels like he made a mistake and not a stupid one. His logic of spreading rot was sound, especially with the limited time table the party had, and throughout the series he's been experimenting with different methods of killing and combat. But they still learned from him because he let one get away. Even he had unintentionally underestimated the goblins. Even Goblin Slayer is not infallible when it comes to goblins. A nice little added detail though that, just because the goblins found out how to create more of the arrows, it doesn't mean they know how to use them effectively, shooting them improperly while they're not even that strong to begin with and basically making all their arrows like that, hindering them in situations where regular arrows would be more effective.

Symbol of the Green Moon, God of Wisdom, and a goblin paladin. I love mythology in stories. Funny enough, because they can't speak in a way that can typically be understood, this group of goblins might have been scarier than Dark Elf, because unlike him we don't know what they were up to. We just have theories at the book's end from Goblin Slayer. The uncertainty makes you worry that the party missed something big and that it's going to come back to haunt them.

“How could I know?” Goblin Slayer said, sounding a bit annoyed. He could be curt, and abrupt, and cold. But he almost never shouted. “What should I have said to her? ‘I’m sorry your friends are dead, but at least you survived’?”

This took the wind out of High Elf Archer’s sails. “Well... Well...” She opened her mouth, then closed it again, before finally saying, “There’s such a thing as the sensitive way to say things.”

Goblin Slayer’s reply was brief: “It doesn’t change what they mean.”

Come to think of it...

Priestess bit her lip gently. He had not tried to comfort her in her own case, either. Nor when they had rescued the injured elf adventurer from the ruins. He was always just...

The faint taste of blood was so bitter it almost brought tears to her eyes.

I'd made a comment in my last post about his words to Spearwoman, how his words about her spear were him trying to comfort her in his own way, and I still feel that way with Noble Fencer. Obviously I don't like that she was raped and her party killed by the goblins but it was nice that we have a character fighting the goblins with the party whom actually did suffer through the common fate of those who lose to them. It almost happened to Priestess and High Elf Archer and Goblin Slayer was forced to watch what they did to his sister and his village, but like with Sword Maiden, all that is still different from actually suffering through what the goblins do to people. This series isn't mature because it has rape and trauma in it but rather because it takes rape and trauma seriously. We saw one end of the spectrum with Sword Maiden, her trauma making her unable to fight the goblins, and now we get the other with Noble Fencer, her trauma making it so that she needs to fight the goblins because it's all she can hold onto right now. Even a nice little parallel between her and Spearwoman focusing so much on their stolen weapons; it's not so much the weapon itself as it is the one tangible thing they can get back out of everything else the goblins have taken from them.

And yeah, Goblin Slayer doesn't comfort in the traditional sense. He offers just the one thing that helps him keep going after his own trauma. With Priestess and Noble Fencer, he allowed them to come with him and help him kill the goblins that made them suffer, and even the elf adventurer he assured her he would kill all the goblins who'd held her captive. It's not probably the most healthy of comfort but its the one tool he has to work with because even he doesn't have the answer for how to recover, just how to move forward. I'm hoping this isn't the last we see of Noble Fencer.

“I will get back your sword.”

“And I will kill that goblin paladin. Along with the other goblins.”

“I don’t mean one or two of them. I don’t mean an entire nest. I don’t mean even this entire

fortress.”

“I will slay all the goblins.”

So do not cry.

That's going right up there with "Even in my dreams?" "Yes." as one of my favorite lines of the series.

One of my favorite recurring gags in this series is the escalating and extreme ways Goblin Slayer finds around High Elf Archer's rules. No fire, no water, no poison...so he uses an explosion. And when explosions are forbidden, he uses a freaking avalanche. He didn't even cheat to set it off, as Noble Fencer used lightning (though it might be a little technical cheat with snow basically being water).

And again, nothing this series sets up goes to waste. The breathing rings were established last volume and they come back into play continuously here. It's good writing and never feels like a contrivance or a Deus ex Machina.

All thought and jokes about ships and romance aside, Priestess continues to be one of my favorite characters in this series next to Goblin Slayer himself, in no small part because their interactions are my favorites out of all the cast. They're just opposite enough to complement each other perfectly and their relationship quietly grows stronger as time goes on. There's a lot of trust and respect between the two and it runs both ways, surprising and delighting even Priestess how much faith he has in her.

Someone in my vol. 3 post commented on how we can see how much better an adventurer Priestess becomes as time goes on and I agree. It's now been a full year since she started adventuring with Goblin Slayer and it shows a lot here, having more confidence and wisdom in her abilities thanks to her experiences. She's more openly compassionate than Goblin Slayer, but I like how she completely understands Noble Fencer's desire/need to keep fighting the goblins, because it was exactly the same for her.

I just gone done with the Rising of the Shield Hero light novels before starting this series (the ones available in english, anyway) so that's probably why I'm thinking about this but I'm hoping Goblin Slayer and Priestess continue to develop in a manner similar to Naofumi and Raphtalia. In the beginning, Raphtalia is easily Naofumi's subordinate or sidekick, but as time goes on and both characters continue to grow she very much becomes his partner, standing with him as an equal as they always have each others backs. Obviously Goblin Slayer and Priestess will never be complete equals in terms of positions or abilities. Goblin Slayer can't use Miracles and Priestess isn't a warrior. But I am hoping that as the series goes along Priestess does feel more and more like his partner. Not someone he needs to look after but someone fighting beside him on equal footing. We've already been seeing some of that here and in the battle against Dark Elf with the unspoken understandings over plans and trust to have the other's back. But she is still young and still learning. Still a few steps behind Goblin Slayer, but she's making an effort to keep pace.

Original Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/GoblinSlayer/comments/fwbsvt/read_through_light_novel_vol_5_random_thoughts/

[nebulawriter]

The Christmas Prince: Blind Review

Okay. So this has been in my recommendations on Netflix for a while and it always looks so strange to me. I thought I’d put it on and see what it was about for a night in. 

It started out with some classic pictures of new york with the MUSIC from Jingle Bell Rock, but with weird different lyrics pulled from other christmas songs. 

Strap in folks. We’re in for a ride.

Well this is starting out like every romantic comedy ever. But kudos to ‘Ugly Christmas Sweaters of the Stars’

Aldovia is definitely just Not-Genovia. My goodness. 

Why...is...is this junior editor at a fashion thing covering an international scandal thing? Why aren’t...you know what, nope. nope we’re just gonna ride this out. 

I mean I can already see the formula played out for this rom-com but lets see if there are any surprises

Oh my god. 

This guy is the ultimate gay friend stereotype

Okay I like the dad. 

OH MY GOD the exposition in this movie is just...so on the nose. Just. 

That was the prince, wasn’t it

Like I get that this foreign wedding isn’t the sexiest thing for an american paper...whatever this paper is...but like. I feel like they would either depend on another paper for the news or like. not send a writer at all if they didn’t have one. 

THE ACTING IN THIS MOVIE MY GOD. “More like he’s avoiding the press” *head bob*

THE EXPOSITION IN THIS MOVIE

wow this is. I mean, it’s not like ridiculously laughably bad but its just...not good. 

What are the stakes for why she can’t go home empty handed? I’d have thought she’d WANT to go home, seeing its christmas and she was reluctant to come. But its not like this is her LAST chance at the big break. And him not showing up is still news like, write about that???

THIS ENTIRE PLOT IS BASED OFF OF PURE COINCIDENCE

AAAAAAAA

Aww cute lil girl. 

OH MY GOD SHE BROKE A VASE 

IS THIS ABOUT TO TURN INTO OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB

That castle is definitely a model. 

THE STAKES HERE ARE SO LOW. And why does this level of infiltration need to be necessary for such a low level story?

This acting is going to kill me. 

This is either disability representation or disability porn and I’m leaning towards the porn. 

was that supposed to be her finding him attractive?

This is either bad acting, bad writing or both. I’m inclined to think both.

DICK JOKE

oh god. this is every goddamn romance movie except with so little romance. 

What’s the story they’re investigating? The guy said they’d be having the coronation. Like. Thats the story.

Let me guess. The evil dick cousin takes the throne if the prince abdicates oh my GOD this movie is painful. 

Alright, they’re leaning away from the porn part and moving more into the representation for disability. 

ANOTHER DICK JOKE

YOU COULDN’T HAVE FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS LINE OF SUCCESSION THING OFF GOOGLE OR SOMETHING??

Oh my god a cocky vulnerable asshole he’s literally EVERY Rom com hero oh my GOD

SHE HAS NOT SHOWN ANY SIGNS OF ATTRACTION

and how much does gay bff know about royalty?

I get it. Simon’s an asshole. 

This acting. 

New woman. The rival lover?

This movie is every rom com. Every. Single. One. I’ve never seen them so thoroughly condensed. 

BROOKLYN NINE NINES UP! MOVIE BREAK

okay back to hell

Ah yes, the love rival whom the mother approves of, but the boyfriend doesn’t love anymore. 

she’s...writing...those notes are terrible

I....do like the little girl. Still trying to figure out if they’re just using the disability for sympathy points. But like. She does have a character and I do like her, so I’ll go with it. 

Either way its still the best part of this movie. 

im so bored.

this prince. is so. boring. 

WHAT THE HELL KINDA CHRISTMAS GAME IS THAT

How did THAT reporter get so close to the princess?

Like doesn’t she have guards?

you know, come to think of it, there are probably no guards in all of Aldovia

Richard ain’t gonna show. 

Called it. 

Oh my god why are they surprised Prince Flake disappeared?

yup, he’s ACTUALLY cute and charming. Of course. 

What I want: They change the laws for Emily to inherit the throne, but the Queen rules until she turns 18. 

Yup. There is 0 security in Aldovia

Sledding is cute. 

Literally just...cut the prince out of this movie. Just completely. 

Just make it about the sister, and how there’s no direct male heir. 

I’ve seen plenty movies where the women is just a sexy lamp but honestly the guy here is so easy to remove from this romance. 

This could be such a sweet platonic sister-y movies. 

This is....cute but doesn’t provide any dramatic tension really. Like, at all. 

I hate her notes so much. Partially cause they’re like mine, but she’s a reporter she should know better. 

I mean, they’re friends now, right? Why not just ask prince (Or Emily, honestly) why he doesn’t want the throne. 

ARE THERE NO STABLE BOYS HERE IN ALDOVIA EITHER????

YOURE TRUSTING THE HORSE TO KNOW WHERE ITS GOING????

Have you ever even ridden before?

what...what is happening.

Does the prince come to her rescue.

Alright, that shot was stolen STRAIGHT from Beauty and the Beast. 

THIS WHOLE SEQUENCE IS LITERALLY JUST A SCENE LIFTED FROM BEAUTY AND THE BEAST!

Did they just forget to write a scene and so inserted one from another movie and then write around that?

oh my god this was so boring I almost missed the heart to heart. 

oh, emotional truths in movies are never good when it starts with “You’ll just think I’m a spoiled rich kid anyway”

well, I mean, if your father wrote your mother a riddle that you can’t figure out....I’m assuming SHE can. Right?

that almost-kiss was so forced.

We’re nearing the part where ‘everything goes wrong’

Wait a sec, this is deviating a bit

HO CRAP

How’d she get all this. 

Why tell your best friends about this whole thing? Prince was adopted. Huh. 

Again, stakes. Why do we care that her ‘career’ will be made. 

oh my god. of course. The accidental ‘saw the other girl kiss him’ moment

oh my god.I eye rolled so hard it hurt

“If you like the way you look that much, then baby you should go and love yourself”

YOUR GOING. TO EXPOSE THE STORY. THAT HE WAS ADOPTED. BECAUSE HE KISSED ANOTHER GIRL?????

I give up. 

Thank you, dispensary of fatherly advice. 

well. one thing taken care of. 

What happened to the horse who bucked her off anyway?

Ah yes. The good ole romcom trope. “There’s something that I need to tell you” Man swoops in for kiss. 

my god

Sigh. The rival and the skeevy cousin team up. 

oh no they’re going to find the adoption papers. Dickholes. 

Dammit they successfully made me hate them for hurting the good guys. Fuck. 

Him being adopted explains the GIANT AGE difference between him and his sister, though

What did he say? What...what’s happening?

yeah yeah, the son is afraid of not living up to his dad

OH MY GOD THE PALACE IS TOTALLY A MODEL

.....I do like the little girl. 

Seriously why isn’t this story just about the little girl? 

Get rid of the Prince he’s unnecessary

Make it all about ableism and sexism and blah blah and people trying to deny Emily the throne. Maybe even make HER the adopted one and talk about not-blood families and their importance.

Ah, the makeover section of the romcom has started. 

oh look, its her in an updo and a fancier dress. 

Oooh, smokey eye too. nice. 

Honestly I didn’t think the love rival was so bad at the start. but I think they just didn’t know what to do with her so decided to make her a stereotype. 

Call him Dick.

(his name is prince richard. they should call him a dick.)

I enjoy that she’s wearing sneakers under her dress, I admit. 

Does she even know how to dance?

I guess so

Or not, they clearly choreographed this right before shooting. 

everyone else in the scene is clearly professional dancers, and there the main characters are. Swaying. 

Seriously? One song in and they go to the main event?

The cousin and the rival are going to do something dramatic, aren’t they?

Is this like a marriage? I don’t think people dispute coronations during the ceremony.

Okay, but they need time to like. Verify things right? 

Like. Why does everyone suddenly believe them? and...I just...what?

WHY WOULD SHE ADMIT THAT RIGHT NOW IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY?! COME ON THIS SHOULD GO SOMEWHERE PRIVATE RIGHT? WITH LIKE? 

Oh god this is so...artificial and junk. 

‘things just got so out of hand’

i admit, it’s a PRETTY model of a palace. 

this whole thing is just. so contrived. 

Really? ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ 

Wasn’t a royal birth like....news? in this country?

Aw, mother/son seen. good. 

They got married before the coronation?

What happens if the time runs out? Like. Will they just. Not have a king anymore?

Like what kind of stupid rule?

Seriously, the dad character, his entire dialogue is just fatherly advice. 

Okay. So what I’m getting here is the king hid something in the acorn ornament he made? but. Why did he hide it?

Oh wow, there actually ARE guard in the country.

they might not have a dungeon, but they have jails, surely?

WHY DID HE PLAY WITH RIDDLES!! THE DEAD KING IS AN ASSHAT!!!

hey, there looks like some equality with gender in the quorum of kings council. but like. Its really white. 

See, Emily continues to be the only good thing in this movie. 

This whole thing is so arbitrary, why not. 

Oh look and now he can be king. Why didn’t he want to be king before? Anyway?

Seriously Sophia, make sure he’s King BEFORE you marry of him, geez. 

And he’s king. Cool. 

But where’s the girl? :O

now he has to chase after her and they kiss and then happily ever after. Right?

okay, so she made it to New York. Cool. 

Do they not like puff pieces? This is the obvious blah thing. 

Girl that is a dream job for a wanna be journalist in your 20s. Good lord. 

AHHH I HATE THIS

She has a date? oh. Setup. got it. 

These side characters have no depth at all. They are black best friend and gay best friend. 

Where is he. There he is.

THEY LET THE KING OF A COUNTRY WANDER THE STREETS OF NEW YORK WITH NO GUARDS????

oh, just skippin straight to the proposal. mkay. 

THEY MET TWO WEEKS AGO

hehehhehe my brain had a dirty thought. 

there it is

I can feel Elsa shouting “YOU CANT MARRY A MAN YOU JUST MET”

I could have sworn that ring was purple a second ago. now its blue, 

K

3 minutes left. please let most of those be credits. 

ah yes. Circle cam around this OBVIOUS STAGE SET

No new york street looks like that.

AND WE DIDNT EVEN GET TO SEE EMILY AGAIN.

Welp. Can’t say I didn’t know what I was getting into. 

[singingwordwright]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Shadowhunters (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Characters: Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane Additional Tags: Angst, Introspection, First Date, Awkwardness Series: Part 3 of A Series of Completely Not Awkward Encounters

When he first opens his eyes, Alec isn’t sure where he is. But the unique amalgamation of renovated industrial space meets old-world bordello quickly places him in Magnus’s loft.

On the sofa. Where he passed out after Magnus fixed him a drink. A glimpse at the end-table shows the glass still sitting there, almost untouched.

Alec twists when he hears a rustle behind him. Magnus is standing at a bookshelf he doesn’t recall being there before, filling it with tomes from a sizeable stack against the wall. Alec squints at them.

“Didn’t I see some of those at Camille’s apartment?”

“Ah, you’re awake!” Magnus deposits the book he’s holding with a flourish and turns to smile at him. He moves with a fluttery, bustling sort of energy that Alec is beginning to suspect happens only when Magnus is trying too hard to keep things light. “And yes. At one time I had left a sizeable portion of my library with Camille and then never reclaimed them because I kept putting off the distasteful task of dealing with her. But since she appears to have flitted off to parts unknown to avoid Raphael as well as whatever unpleasantness Valentine might have in store for us, I figured now was the best opportunity I’d have to get them back. Did you rest well?”

Magnus tosses the question out easily, returning his attention to cataloging books. Nonetheless, Alec feels his face beginning to heat. This was not how he wanted their first date to go. “I—I didn’t mean to—What was in that drink?”

“The drink you barely touched?” Magnus chuckles. “It’s less the contents of the drink than the fact that I got you to sit down to drink it. You were operating much like a bicycle.”

Alec gives him a narrow look. “If this is leading to an innuendo, I’m not sure I want to know.”

“Tempting, but too easy.” Magnus’s grin sparkles brighter than all his jewelry. “No, the punchline is just that you could remain upright only so long as you were still in motion.” His smile fades and he leans a shoulder against the bookshelf. The casual pose is just the smallest bit too contrived; Alec has started to see, now, how often Magnus disguises concern behind a blithe façade. “Had I known just how exhausted you were, I might have insisted you stay home and rest.”

Alec sighs and hangs his head, checking his pockets. “Right. Yeah. It’s been—” He breaks off, patting harder when his search comes up empty, an edge of worry creeping in.

“Looking for this?” Magnus waggles his phone in front of him and Alec blinks in surprise, not only at its appearance but at Magnus’s sudden nearness. “Your sister called twice, once to say she and Clary Fairchild were tracking down a possible lead and that she would follow up with you to let you know if it panned out, and then again to inform you that no, it had not.”

Alec takes the phone and sighs, his shoulders slumping. “Damn. Wait. She didn’t wonder why you were answering my phone?”

Magnus drops a cheeky wink. “Oh, I’m sure she had her theories, but rather than leave it to chance, I made certain to inform her that you were sprawled out naked on my bed, sleeping the sleep of the well and truly post-coital.”

Alec chokes on spit and his face ignites. “ What ?” He gawks at Magnus, his eyes watering as he coughs.

Grin broadening, Magnus leans closer, his voice dropping to a timbre that settles somewhere south of Alec’s navel. “Should I have told her the truth?” he purrs. The effect of his tone is so far opposite that of his words that Alec isn’t sure he won’t simply melt down in sheer bewilderment. “Imagine her crushing disappointment if she thought you spent our first date snoring on my couch.”

Torn between crawling under the sofa cushions in mortification and taking advantage of the fact that Magnus is so damned close, Alec slumps against the back of the sofa, closes his eyes, and groans. “Oh God. I’m so, so sorry…”

Magnus continues as though he doesn’t hear the apology, and his voice is so close to Alec’s ear that every nerve ending on that side of his body lights up. “Of course, I’m not entirely certain she believed me. We may have to brainstorm some form of evidence to offer. Souvlaki?”

Alec’s brain stumbles, trying to follow the non-sequitur while simultaneously offering a number of uncensored suggestions relating to the concept of “evidence.” Consequently, words abandon him, leaving him stammering. It happens frequently enough in Magnus’s presence as to be humiliatingly commonplace.

“S-sorry, what?”

A slow smile curls Magnus’s shimmery lips and his eyes twinkle with a humor than Alec suspects would seem mocking on anyone else, but on Magnus it’s just gentle and understanding and fun . “I took the liberty of ordering in, since it seemed like there was a chance we wouldn’t make it to dinner after all. Are you hungry?”

Alec can’t help but smile back. “Yeah, I guess I am. Izzy’s been trying to cook more than usual lately. I think she’s trying to figure out the concept of comfort food.”

Magnus beams and he offers Alec a hand to pull him off the sofa. He accepts without thinking, then grunts as muscles that stiffened during his nap protest.

“Tough patrol last night?” Magnus asks, his head tipping to the side and his eyes narrowing a little as he scans Alec for hints of injury.

“Not exactly.” Alec sighs ruefully, rubbing his ribs as he follows Magnus into the kitchen. “Ever heard the old saying about the most dangerous opponent being the untrained one?”

Magnus’s soft chuckle is almost musical, the mellow, resonant low register of a xylophone gently thrumming along Alec’s spine until the sound finds a home somewhere beneath his sternum. “Ah. Been sparring with the newest addition to your merry Nephilim tribe, I take it?”

“Well, someone has to. Izzy insists that I do it, supposedly because Clary has to learn to fight things that are bigger than she is.” He smiles wryly and takes a seat on a stool at a breakfast bar as Magnus dishes up food for them both. “I don’t buy it. Either she’s trying to avoid injury herself, or she’s trying to broker peace. Good luck with that. We have a common goal now. That doesn’t make us friends.”

There’s something deceptively bland about Magnus’s regard. Alec might have fallen for it if he hadn’t been one the receiving end of a similar stare from Lydia just a few hours ago. “What?”

“Nothing. Nothing.” Magnus shakes himself and sets a plate before Alec, conjuring two glasses of wine into being in front of them before hitching himself up onto the other stool. “I just find this tension between you and Clary curious. The two of you have so much in common.”

“Aside from Jace?” Alec gives him a dubious look.

Magnus’s face tightens for a fraction of a second, then smoothes over. Perhaps their first date isn’t a great time to remind him that there’s a small (and continually shrinking) part of Alec still trying to let go of the infatuation he’d nurtured for his parabatai for years. He’s starting to see how ridiculous it was, and that it was mostly born out of a naive belief that life would always be just Alec and Izzy and Jace, together. Other people might come and go on the fringes of that dynamic, but they would never penetrate the center and disrupt it. That made Jace the object of Alec’s yearning by default.

It was a stupid, childish way of thinking...but it’s also hard to let go of something that habitual and deeply ingrained.

Alec clears his throat and moves past that. “I don’t see that we have anything in common, and I don’t think I’d want to. I mean, okay, I guess it’s not totally her fault that she turned absolutely everything upside down from the moment we came across her, but God, it’s been exhausting and she’s just so damned oblivious to what she’s doing to anyone else when she’s got her mind set on something.”

Silence falls for a thoughtful moment.

“What I was actually referring to is your passionate, all-consuming devotion to family.” Magnus’s bright voice has become somewhat muted. “And personally, I don’t think Clary is oblivious at all. She knows very well what she’s done, but she’s had no more choice than you would have in the same situation. Imagine if it had been Isabelle who disappeared the way Jocelyn did. Whose tidy apple-cart of a life would you have scrupled to upset in your quest to get her back?”

The few bites he’s managed to eat settle uncomfortably in Alec’s stomach and he finds himself twiddling idly with a denuded skewer. The tender lamb he slid off it is no longer very flavorful. The harsh words he’s spoken about Clary—even to the point of calling her manhunt for her mother a pointless crusade —don’t sit very well with him when considered in that light. If anyone ever described a hypothetical search for someone Alec loved in such a dismissive way, much less tried to impede Alec’s attempts to find them, he would put them head-first through a wall.

The wave of irritation with himself that swells up and threatens to drown Alec comes as a surprise. It strikes him like a blow, how wrong-headed he’s been lately about so very many things.

What is he doing here? Why does Magnus even want him here? He’s tight-assed and judgmental and he comes from a long line of bigots in a culture full of bigots and he knows now that he has not been entirely immune to the influence of that upbringing. He can barely string together three words in Magnus’s presence, and when he’s managed it, they’ve most often been harsh rebuffs of affectionate overtures. And the rest of the time they’ve been outpourings of concern for the other guy he’s still partially hung-up on.

And then, just to complete his image as a total clod, he goes and falls asleep barely minutes into their first date.

About the only flaw Alec can no longer bludgeon himself with is the cowardice of still being closeted. He wishes he could reclaim the surety he felt in those few instants between striding away from the altar and the completion of the kiss he’d laid on Magnus there in front of everyone. The righteous self-assurance that had led to him looking his parents squarely in the eye and telling them he was going to be with Magnus and they’d better get used to the idea.

He’d liked that version of himself. He wants to figure out how to find that guy again.

Magnus hasn’t spoken again. He’s leaving Alec alone with his thoughts. Not pushing. Waiting for him to process this new perspective.

“Why haven’t you given up on me?” Alec blurts. It sounds pathetic. Like he’s fishing for compliments or reassurance. But he needs to know. “The way I treated you… Some of the things I said… I mean, you tell me how longs it’s been and then you keep putting yourself out there for me and then I accuse you of.. I-I… What I’m saying is, I know it’s not a game to you. That was unfair. And I’m sorry.”

Magnus smiles that sympathetic smile. Glittery and charming, but with an underside of tenderness that Alec feels like a hug. A smile that says Magnus knows all about mistakes because he’s probably made every one that can be made at least twice over, and it’s okay.

“No one is just their confusion or resentment or fear or angst,” he says, his words gentle despite the lightness in his tone. “People have layers.”

Alec squints at him. “You planning to try to tell me Freud said that, too?”

“No, that philosophy is courtesy of an ogre named Shrek.”

Alec blinks, then shakes his head with wry amusement as Magnus grins.

“And there’s the other reason.” Magnus’s hand is as warm as his eyes when it settles along Alec’s jaw, his thumb brushing Alec’s bottom lip where it’s drawn up into a helpless smile. “Like the sun peeking out between clouds on a stormy day.”

Maybe Alec can’t quite seize onto the courage that drove him back down that aisle to plant that desperate kiss on Magnus the first time, but he doesn’t need it. All he needs to do is follow the invitation in that hand back to the person it’s attached to and lay claim to the kiss that’s waiting for him when he arrives.

It’s not quite as terrifying this time, but no less exhilarating. What follows is a long moment filled with breathy gasps and soft moans, of bodies moving unconsciously closer to one another, seeking hands transitioning to encircling arms, fabric rubbing on fabric and fingers carding through silky hair.

When they part, Alec’s heart is knocking hard against his ribs and Magnus’s breath gusts shallowly against his neck. His lips seek Magnus’s jaw like they’re pulled there by gravity, and he slurs his next words against skin that smells like aftershave and herbs.

“So, out of curiosity? Just what were you thinking when you mentioned ‘evidence’...?”

BUY ME A CUP OF COFFEE!!

[lesmotsincompris]

Thoughts on GoT S07E02

This time I avoided reading other people’s opinions on the episode until I could watch it for myself. I wanted to see which flaws I would notice on my own and which would be more of a ‘fridge logic’ type of thing. So sorry if I’m gonna sound repetitive.

I actually tried to watch the episode live last night, but Brazilian HBO Go crashed for the second Sunday in a row. I can’t help but laugh, this is the one time of the year when most people actually care about HBO and they screw it.

So, the episode. I feel it had higher highers and lower lowers? But it still navigates ‘meh’ waters for the most part. My thoughts on it:

Dragonstone

Dany saying Dragonstone doesn’t feel like home is an interesting concept: how much Westeros is Dany’s home? If not Westeros, then where? What will book!Dany feel when she arrives? What is home, anyway? All great questions, so we know the show won’t explore them.

It’s great to see Daenerys calling Varys on his bullshit, but this should have happened two seasons ago when he first arrived in Meereen, not now that he took care of her city while she was gone and they had a fun cruise together. And again show!Dany basically shrugs away the fact that Varys tried to kill her! Why? What is he bringing to #TeamTargaryen anyway?

See, this is what happens when you cut a character or subplot without thinking of the consequences. Varys’ motivations earlier in the show make sense for a Varys that champions his perfect prince Aegon for the Iron Throne. They cut Aegon, but forgot to adjust Varys’ motivations accordingly and now are having to fix it.

But wait, there’s more! While book!Dany has many qualities that I admire and that can make her a great queen, I don’t feel comfortable backing her claim for the Iron Throne just yet. Just like Stannis had to learn to ‘save the kingdom to win the throne’ and not the other way around, Dany still has to deconstruct the ‘usurper’ narrative and understand why people in Westeros didn’t want the Targaryens anymore. Book!Dany hasn’t done this yet, but neither has show!Dany. On the contrary, the show goes out of its way to emphasize the ‘conquest’ aspect of Dany’s coming to Westeros, with her being a little more pyromaniac than I would like. What makes Varys think she’ll be a better ruler than her father? What makes any of her allies think that?

After careful consideration, Dany decides for starvation instead of burning. A true champion of the people! Yaaahhhs queen! Because that won’t get the innocent killed, I’m sure.

Show!Tyrion is a character I can’t stand anymore. All he does is mansplain things to Daenerys like she was some silly child and play the Reasonable Man™ to murder-happy Strong Female Characters™ Yara, Ellaria, and Olenna. Why is he on #TeamTargaryen? What does he add to the group or Daenerys’ cause? And I’m not even gonna comment on the idiocy of storming Casterly Rock by sea, but hey, this comes from the writers that think you can go around Moat Cailin. Someone should paint a map of Westeros in the writer’s room, just saying.

Olenna is another character I’ll be happy to see gone. What’s with ‘they won’t obey you unless they fear you’? Has she attended the Cersei Lannister School of Leadership too? And what is ‘be a dragon’ even supposed to mean?

Hey, at least Yara expressed her own thoughts this time instead of letting Theon do it. Progress, I guess.

Melisandre took a flight from Plot Airlines and arrived in Dragonstone just to deliver exposition on a prophecy. I love when the writers sudden remember they should have seeded certain things ages ago and expect we won’t notice if they shoehorn it now. Also why is Melisandre so convinced that Dany is hot shit? Because she has a fancy hair and dragons? On the plus side, we got Missandei translating things and that’s always welcome.

Speaking of Missandei, the scene between her and Greyworm was really sweet, if a bit too long. I think this scene worked so well because those two are the only characters in this show that I like with no reservations; everybody else is a jerk to some degree and I can’t bring myself to root for them. Great acting from Jacob Anderson, he did in one scene more than Kit Harrignton and Emilia Clarke do in a whole season. My complaints are Missandei’s lack of underwear (in winter? Really?) and the forced accents.

King’s Landing

Cersei has a point: what reasons do the nobles of Westeros have to believe that Dany won’t be like Aerys? On the other hand, you know who’s also like Aerys? Cersei ‘let’s burn the sept with everyone inside’ Lannister! Ugh, this show.

‘She has three fully grown dragons, my grace’ and Gilly still has a tiny baby, so dragons grow extra fast in this show.

‘It’s a long ride back to the reach’, says Randyll. Yeah, but if you leave now you can be there before the episode is over.

Qyburn follows the Essos Daily twitter account, so he knows details of the fight in Meereen. He also just watched The Hobbit and wants to do a Bard-on-Smaug to Dany’s dragons.

Oldtown

I barely care about book!Jorah, but I certainly don’t care about show!Jorah. He outlived whatever purpose he had in the narrative, I hate how his feelings for Dany are framed as romantic and I hate how the show simply forgot the reason why Jorah was banned from Westeros in first place. Yes, he is dead for his family, for the minor misdemeanor of SELLING PEOPLE FFS. Jorah is an unrepentant slaver and a creepy crush won’t suddenly make him a sympathetic character, quite the opposite.

Jorah’s greyscale moved at the speed of plot, but fortunately didn’t affect his face so that Dany can still love Iain Glen’s looks. I’m glad Dany x Jon are an obvious romantic endgame for the show, because otherwise D&D might actually pair Dany and Jorah.

Last week we had poop montage, this week we have an overly long scene of Sam removing Jorah’s skin. This is what makes bold television and mature entertainment, I guess.

By the way, isn’t greyscale supposed to be on your blood or something? It isn’t exactly a skin condition that can be cured by just removing the skin, or I’m sure other people would have tried it before. This treatment makes no sense, but when has that ever stopped the writers?

Winterhell

Sam’s raven arrived in Winterfell ridiculously fast, but it almost seems too slow compared to Dany’s raven. And I’m guessing nobody at the Wall bothered sending a raven saying that Bran is alive and well and coming their way ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Of course Sansa thinks Tyrion is the best. Who doesn’t think Tyrion is the best? He didn’t rape her, isn’t that the nicest thing a man can do for you? Ugh.

Again the writers’ choice to create conflict between the Stark siblings is to skip pre-meeting and make them argue in front of everyone. Again Sansa and Jon disagree because the plot needs them to disagree. Again the crowd cheers whoever is speaking.

Jon didn’t want to be king, he says. He just accepted it, he says. I can’t explain how much I hate this trope. Bad writers everywhere seem to believe that a good leader is the guy that doesn’t want to be a leader, because ambition is evil so a guy that wants to be leader must be evil. This is all levels of stupid and there’s no faster way to make sure somebody will do a lousy job than forcing them to do a job they don’t want to do.

We’ve moved on from trashing Stannis post-death to trashing Catelyn post-death. Ugh.

Somewhere in the Riverlands

Arya’s meeting with Hot Pie was weird. Hot Pie’s presence feels more like an easter egg than two old friends seeing each other after a long time. Maisie Williams is usually a great actor, but she’s been acting quite stiff this season. Maybe it’s D&D’s tradition of thinking that Strong Female Characters™ show no emotions?

Arya ‘heard’ Cersei is queen, but when she left Westeros Cersei was also queen, so...? It seems everybody gets their news super fast except for Arya. Maybe the cell phone signal at the Riverlands isn’t very good? Okay that Arya doesn’t know the Starks rule Winterfell again, but why didn’t she tried to go to the Wall as soon as she arrived in Westeros?

I hate that this is called ‘Battle of the Bastards’ in universe. It’s a stupid name on its own, but makes even less sense from a watsonian perspective. To call it ‘Battle of the Bastards’ is to make this a personal fight between Jon and Ramsay, but that’s not what it was. It was a battle for Winterfell and the North, a battle between Starks and Boltons even. Jon and Ramsay haven’t even met before that.

Nymeria showed up to announce that the show is officially cutting their husky-in-a-direwolf-body CGI budget. That scene felt super contrived and just made me angry at the writers. In the books we know Arya and Nymeria will meet again, and we know their connection is still strong, because Martin had been foreshadowing this for ages. In the show we never heard of Nymeria after season 1 and now she just showed up to say she won’t show up anymore.

Somewhere in the sea

I think the show reached a new level of racism, exotification and hypersexualization of PoC with “foreign invasion”. Good thing D&D won’t be showrunners for an upcoming tv show where the South won the Civil War. Can you imagine?

Yallaria didn’t live to its hype. Yara is bisexual, because of course a character that flirts with everyone is bisexual.

To whoever thought it would be a good idea to have the Sand Snakes as catty and childish murder-happy women: don’t.

The battle was confusing. Not only the lighting was terrible but also for the most part I couldn’t make sense of who was fighting for what side. Euron hired some Destruction mages from Skyrim so he could use Fireballs against the Sand Snakes. Maybe they’ll replace the dragonhorn with Odahviing?

It’s painfully obvious the showrunners want Euron to be scary, a Ramsay 2.0. and Joffrey 3.0. He even has a mustache to twirl! That’s only because they clearly can’t write a story without an obvious and defined human villain, who must be MOAR EVUHL than his predecessors. I won’t be surprised if we see Euron spitting on puppies and peeing on flowers. Sigh… This is just ridiculous.

Book!Euron is scary, but because we have subtle hints of his monstrosity. He’s a human villain, the last great human villain of ASOIAF, but he stitches the magical and the political arcs together. Show!Euron is just the same edginess and sadism we’ve seen before with other overused villains, now with a really silly appearance.

The plot needs Theon’s trauma to exist again, so Theon’s trauma exists again. I’m all for exploring PTSD and traumatic experiences on fiction, but that doesn’t mean you can ignore the trauma until it’s convenient for the plot or scream it away like Yara did last season.

I’m sure no misogyny will come from Euron having Yara and Ellaria captive. 

Extra comments

After months of studying, I think I finally figured the laws of succession in D&D’s Westeros: whoever is the closest named character is automatically the heir. See: Cersei in King’s Landing, Ellaria in Dorne, Edd in the Night’s Watch...

What’s with the funny editing? You know the thing, they show something gross, then show food that looks a lot like the gross thing… Come on, guys, you’re not twelve.

(maybe they are? That would explain A LOT)

Once more they’re not even trying with the costumes and wigs. Sansa’s wig in particular is so bad it’s distracting.

What’s with the forced accents? Why every time a character is supposed to be ~foreign~ they go with a generic broken English accent? If you want a different accent than the main cast, make them use an American accent! Why not?

What happened to Stannis’ men? Was this ever, like, explained?

So that was it, another hour with stuff happening.

[legless-karamatsu]

I Wrote An Eight-Page Story About Legless Karamatsu, You're Welcome World

A loud scream tore through the Matsuno household.

                “My eeeyeeeeesss!!!”

                There was a sound not particularly unlike a sextuplet evaporating into thin air; then, silence.

                Todomatsu looked up from his smartphone, then looked down.

                Jyuushimatsu continued batting practice in the corner, completely unperturbed.

                Osomatsu continued to flick through channels on the TV.

                Choromatsu peered over from the top of some short-lived idol’s photobook…

                “HEY! Don’t you think there’s something wrong with that?!”      

                The photobook fell from his hand, falling in the trash can (where it belonged).

                “Hey, when you wave your arms like that it kills the reception, y’know?” Osomatsu looked up long enough to push Choromatsu’s shifting self-awareness out of the way; with that, the TV sprang back to life and picked up some daytime talk show.

                “That’s not the problem here!”

                “You’re right, it’s not,” Todomatsu piped up.

                “See? So don’t you think—“

                “The problem is that daytime TV is garbage, and you can find better content on any streaming site these days.” He smiled sweetly. “But you would know that if you cared to keep up with modern trends. That’s why one day, I’m going to—”

                “Yeah, I think I’d rather listen to that than that.” Osomatsu turned away from his youngest brother as his rant grew more fervent. “So, what’s wrong with something that sounded like Ichimatsu screaming and then disappearing into a pile of ash?”

                “What’s wrong with it? What isn’t?! Where did that scream come from—why—and—“ Choromatsu stopped for breath. “It wasn’t a pile of ash. That was very clearly the sound of ‘a sextuplet evaporating into thin air.’ Meaning, there’s nothing. Left.”

                “Give ‘im a few hours; he’ll shake it off.”

                “Brotheeeeers~” A voice called in heavily accented English. “Where are yooooouuuu?”

A scare chord sounded from somewhere.

                “Totty, change that stupid ringtone!”

                “Karamatsu, is that you?” Jyuushimatsu rested the tip of the bat on the floor. “Oh, are you going to pachinko again? Except, don’t worry, I won’t—“

                “Just a minute!” Choromatsu said. “Jyuushimatsu, shut up!!”

                “Y tho?”

                “Think about it! We…this could be a murder!”

                “A murder?” Bright lights emitted from Osomatsu, and the brothers turned their eyes away as his clothes fell off (seriously, no one wanted to see that—no, wait, fangirls, please stop—I mean, come on, he’s a muppet—all right, fine, so some of you probably wanted to see it, but I’m going to kinkshame you all the way through this part) well actually one brother who shall remain unnamed for his protection looked upon Osomatsu’s naked glory, but seriously there was nothing to see the show censors everything because broadcast standards anyway you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

                He reappeared in his Calming Detective outfit.

                “Well, if that’s the case, why didn’t you say—“

“Jyuushimatsu-niisan…” Todomatsu placed a hand on his older brother’s shoulder soberly. “Do you think you can hit a home run with Osomatsu-niisan’s head?”

                “Yup!”

                Seconds later, Osomatsu lay unconscious on the floor, a conspicuous amount of blood streaming from his head.

                “Nice; try to hit it clean off next time.” Todomatsu cheered.

                “Brooootheeeers~ I know you’re in theeeree~” Karamatsu’s voice called, closer than before.

                “I have a wonderful surprise for all of you, brothers.”

“Anyway!” Choromatsu cut in above all the horror movie nonsense, trying to steer this ship unsuccessfully back into mystery territory. “Think about it! Mom and Dad are out getting groceries.”

                “They are?”

                “YES! Because plot contrivances like that always pop up when you most expect it! Which means—” He pointed; it felt only necessary at this juncture. “Which means—Karamatsu has to the killer!”

                The room fell silent.

                Unfortunately, it was not due to shock and awe from Choromatsu’s excellent deduction.

                “Umm, niisan,” Todomatsu interjected. “Even Osomatsu-niisan could have figured it out from the ‘Broothers, where are you’ stuff.”

                “I—I mean, that’s true, but—“

                They all jumped as a knock sounded on the door.

                “Brooooothers…why won’t you open the door?”

“He found us!” Choromatsu screamed. “We’re all doomed!”

                “Um, right. He knew where we were for a while now.” Todomatsu sighed. “Well, there’s only one thing to do…”

                He picked up Osomatsu’s hand and began to drag him across the floor.

                “Totty—what are you—“

                “Sacrificing Osomatsu-niisan for the greater good. He’s the oldest one, after all; he’s doing a heroic deed for all us younger siblings. How nice of him!”

                At the sound of the word ‘nice,’ Osomatsu’s eyes shot open. He gripped Todomatsu’s hand with his own, and, in an instant—

                Climbed to his knees, flipped Todomatsu over, and slammed him into the door.

                “We have a status quo to keep! Remember: no more than one nice person between the six of us!” Osomatsu rubbed sweat off his forehead. “The last thing we need is Godmatsu showing up alongside this Cursed-Matsu.”

                “Cursed?”

                “Oh, come on—it’s not like you don’t see the plot twist coming, right?” He nodded. “Mm-hmm. I feel like wearing this detective’s cape makes me more genre-savvy. So, for example, I can say things like *&#*(&% and (&#%& and—h-huh?!”

                A dark aura appeared from behind Osomatsu. At the center of the maelstrom, a Jyuushimatsu with a deeply terrifying look arose.

                “No. Spoilers.”

He beeped the burglar alarm in his hand once more for good measure.

                “Why do you have that at your age?!”

                “In case there’s a burglar, of course!”

                “Brothers. I’m going to open the door in one…two…”

Surprisingly, his count went past three, giving the brothers an indeterminate amount of time to talk.

                Naturally, they brought up a completely petty and irrelevant subject.

                “Hey, Jyuushimatsu. What was that about pachinko?”

                “Huh?”

                “Yeah, you know.” Osomatsu chimed in alongside Choromatsu. “Something about ‘I won’t?’ ‘I won’t’—what, Jyuushimatsu?”

                “I, uh—“

                “Don’t tell me—“ Todomatsu’s face Did The Thing. “You and Cursed-Matsu have been going to Pachinko—without us—“

                He took a deep breath, bulging eyes hitting their critical point.

                “That’s—not—a—very—nice—thing—to—do.”

All three voices spoke at once; the hive mind had begun.

                “W-wait, I—I mean—I—“

                Osomatsu grabbed an arm; Choromatsu grabbed his side. Todomatsu wholeheartedly took both legs.

                “Wait—“

                Osomatsu twisted the doorknob.

                “There’s—you guys—“

                The door opened, and the brothers unceremoniously dumped Jyuushimatsu outside.

                He screamed loudly.

                “It’s Karamatsu—he—has no—boooooEEEEEHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” With a fairly out-of-place final gag and a bright flash of light, Jyuushimatsu faded into nothing.

                Todomatsu slammed the door, slumping against the wall.

                “…So, did we appease the elder gods?”

                “208…209…210! Brothers, I’m coming in!!”

The door flew open as if kicked.

                “So…what do you think~?”

At the door stood Karamatsu.

                More precisely, stood half of Karamatsu.

                Where his legs were—there was nothing.           

                Or rather—

                Shouldn’t have been anything.

                And yet—

                Somehow—

                That empty space, far more horrifying than all the tank tops with his own face, all the sparkly blue pants and shades and skulls and horrific English vocabulary—

                It sparkled.

“UuuuuaaaaaaAAAAAHHHHHHHHH—“

                In an instant, all of Karamatsu’s brothers vanished.

                “But waaaaaiiiiit!!!!” Choromatsu screamed in the way that instantly dying characters sometimes have time to spout one final line. “If we would have just barricaded the door, Mom and Dad would have come hoooooo—“

                He, too, disappeared—unfortunately for everyone, he left behind the unwanted legacy of his self-awareness.

                “Hmm. You’re all just blown away by my beauty, aren’t you? Heh!” He laughed. “I must journey across the world to find someone who can withstand the beauty of my non-legs—if such a person exists—and learn the secret to their beauty! Then I will be the most beautiful man in all the world!”

                So he did. First, Totoko—

                “I’m taking a shower you creep, how did you even get in h—aaaAAAAHHHH!!!”

                Then, Iyami—

                “Sheeee—“ His signature gag was cut off because no one cares and tbh even imagining his voice annoys me (yes, this author).

                Then, Dayon—

                “Dayoooo—“

                Then, Hatabou—

                “You look very nice today, Karamatsu. Did you get a haircu—“ This one was slightly sad, and Karamatsu felt a twinge of guilt; however, it quickly passed because seriously that kid is messed up.

                Even the Esper Cat.

                “Your need to be the most beautiful is reflective of your achievement-driven personality, which in itself stems from your low sense of self-esteem and subsequent vastly overestimated self-efficacy—“ Luckily, he was cut off before he could spout more cryptic nonsense from a Psych 101 textbook.

                Finally, he reached the last place on earth he had not yet visited.

                Chibita’s oden cart.

                Why he had decided to make his way around the world first before coming here, he didn’t know. Perhaps he felt somewhat attached to the place he and his brothers had spent their Saturday nights for so many years. More likely, he didn’t want to be lectured (or kidnapped) over his tab again. Between the two, he decided, a lecture was worse—yes, it was definitely the lecture he was avoiding.

                Still—he had to have courage.

                For his fallen brothers.

                Even though he killed them.

                For his fallen brothers, he approached the stand.

                One last person.

                To see his beauty—

                “What’re you doin’, idjit?” Chibita looked up from the stand. “What’s with your legs? That’s gross.”

                “G-gross?”

                Chibita did not scream. 

                Chibita did not disappear.

                Chibita called his legless legs gross.

He fell to his kneeless knees.

                “Chibita!” He yelled.

                “What, are you proposing? I’ve got a stand to run, idjit.”              

                “No!” He screamed passionately. “Teach me—teach me the secret! To your beauty!!”

                “Oh, that? It’s pretty simple, actually.” He took off his shirt, muscles far too large for it popping out.

                Karamatsu gazed over his massive pecs, down to his chiseled abs, and over to his bulging biceps, all shining the shiny way sweaty skin does (idk man).

                “Chibita—you’re—“

                “Yes.” Chibita’s suddenly deep voice thundered proudly. “I am…bara.”

Tears flowed from Karamatsu’s eyes.

                “B-but—I’m a NEET. I can never become bara. I can’t even lift a five-pound weight!”

                “That’s actually really sad, idjit.”

                “What?!”

                “I mean—“ Bara-Form Chibita cleared his throat, looking desperately for something encouraging to say. “You can lift more than you think you can. If you won big at pachinko, how would you get it all home?”

                “I—I would carry it! As far and as long as it took! Even if I had to stop at every bench until I got home!!”

                “Or you could cash in the chips and just call a ta—nevermind.” He coughed. “Exactly! Now—just imagine these weights as your pachinko winnings!”

                He pulled several massive dumbbells from under the cart.

                “I—“ Karamatsu lifted the edge of one. “I—won—“

                His arms trembled.

                “A million dollars—“

                The weight trembled.

                “AND THE LOVING ADORATION OF MY KARAMATSU GIRLS!!!”

With that determined yell, he lifted the bar over his head. Immediately, his muscles twitched, then blossomed forth into beautiful bara flowers (see what I did there heehee).

                And suddenly, Legless Karamatsu was bara!

                “Yes, idjit, that’s it!” Bara-Form Chibita’s seductively slitted eyes sparkled.  “Now—let’s go show the entire world the beauty of bara!”

                “Um, about that,” Bara-Form Karamatsu mumbled—but in a deeply manly way.

                “What?”

                “I think I kinda killed them all.”

                “Now why would you—“

                “THEY COULDN’T HANDLE MY BEAUTY, OKAY??”

                “YOU IDJIT!” Chibita screamed—but again, still manly. “Why do you think I wear a shirt all the time? Don’t you think I’d want the world to see my Beautiful Bara Form? With great power comes great responsibility—you need a limiter!”

                “Like—“

                Karamatsu pulled his shades from his nonexistent back pocket and put them on.

                Immediately, his muscles shrank back in the light of his cringe.

                “Yes! And keep ‘em on, idjit! Thanks to you, all my business is gone!”

                “…I mean, not like you’d need it, since everyone is de—“

                “SPEAK UP, IDJIT! CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THESE MUSCL—“

                “I SAID!!” Karamatsu screamed with the rage of someone who has gone through seven pages of abject nonsense. “LET’S! REVIVE! THE! WORLD! WITH! BARAAAAAA!!!”

                He took of his sunglasses. Light enveloped his body, and—do I really have to write him naked—fine—something something he was naked and there was skin but like he doesn’t have anything below the waist anyway so uh BAM muscles.

                “THINK ABOUT IT THIS WAY!” He said, super manly-ly. “IF EVERYONE IS BARA, THEN NO ONE WILL DIE IN THE FACE OF BARA! WE CAN ALL WALK AROUND WITHOUT LIMITERS, AND BE BARA IN A BEAUTIFUL *~BARA PARADISE~* BARA!”

                Chibita breathed through his teeth.

                “THAT’S GENIUS!”

                So, much screaming and weight-lifting later (have you ever tried to make a corpse lift a weight? It’s nuts, man), the world was bara.

                And Karamatsu and Chibita sailed off into the sparkling bara sunset to explore uncharted lands and teach them, too, of bara.

                But it didn’t matter in the end because Choromatsu’s self-awareness would devour the world the next week. That’s called a Chekov’s Gun, readers.

                And now I’m going to leave you with the mental image of a massively muscular Totoko because everyone needed that.

[Mod note: God bless you this was an emotional roller coaster]

[chaoticaddict]

So I was soldiering my way through the Jurassic Park movies to get to World, and I liveblogged the entirety of 3 to my friend Ian.  Join my insanity.

Danni:  i’m going to try and make it through jurassic park 3 in my half delusional haze, wish me luck

Ian: Alright! Have fun! 

Danni: wait so after all the shit in 1 about not having kids the two didn't hook up are you serious?

Ian: Yep, I guess something between them couldn't get worked out. *shrug*

Danni: WHY DIDN’T SHE HOOK UP WITH GOLDBLUM

THEY HAD CHEMISTRY

Ian: I think Ellie was more amused by Ian than attracted to him.

Danni: “no force on earth or heaven could get me on that island” 

have fun going on that island

Ian:"Alan Grant Returns to the Island" 

 It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Danni: pffff

oh this contrived romance in archaeology, hot?

jfc“let’s use the toothbrush” is not something i should ever go “oh boy here’s the forced romance scene” and not only that, but be correct about

don’t say you want to go to the jesus fuck

you should see the face i’m making

Ian: LMAO

Danni: “we want to go somewhere special for our honeymoon"“endangering our lives sounds fun"

THERE WERE PTERODACTLYS

I KNOW I SPELLED IT WRONG BUT I DON’T CARE

THIS SHIT IS SO STUPID

oh of course the money

grant your greed is what got you into this in the first place you fucking moron

can we please go back to malcolm

he was smart

he was so fucking smart

“an hour and a half, not too bad” i told myself

“how do you know the kirbys” “through my church” yeah you look like a churchgoing fellow

HAHAHAH WHAT WAS THAT SHIT

NO NO GO BACK TO THE TALKING RAPTOR

HOLY FUCK

I CAN’T EVEN FOCUS ON THIS GREENSCREEN I’M JUST LAUGHING TOO FUCKING HARD

Ian: The Kirby's are like your dim-witted next-door neighbors you can't help but love.

Danni: THE TALKING

RAPTOR

TALKING RAPTOR

Ian:"ALAN!" LOL

Totally forgot about that part.

Danni: HOW COULD YOU FORGET THAT

THAT RIGHT THERE IS THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE

oh god let everyone get eaten

there’s one down

you’re all stupid

Ian: You even want Grant to die?

Danni: this is the kind of stupid shit i expected from 2

GRANT WAS SO BORING

HE DIDN’T EVEN LEARN FROM HIS MISTAKES

MALCOLM WAS SMART ENOUGH TO SAY “FUCK THIS” TO EVERYTHING

Ian: So true.

Danni: but seriously what is this cgi

what is this dinosaur doing, hugging his food

yeah you can outrun that thing sure

is this movie TRYING to be a comedy

Ian: Kind of. It's not meant to be taken as seriously as the others.

Danni: i want a “wah wah” button for this movie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC75aU47GRk

this

i want a button with this

i’m going to sad trombone the fuck out of this movie

Ian: Keep that button handy.

Danni: oh trust me i just hit it again

“maybe we should split up” are you shitting me

Ian: Which was better? Alan's dream or this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1aRB_ETfJk

Danni: Grant’s dream hands down

a talking fucking raptor

SAD TROMBONE

he took the eggs

he took the fucking eggs

grant you idiot

Ian: Tsk tsk tsk.

Danni: THERE’S NO WAY HE DIDN'THE TOOK THE EGGS

the phone is not going to work

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THE PHONE WOULD WORK

THERE’S SHIT GROWING ON IT

that raptor is alive

that’s not a display

that’s

SAD TROMBONE

OH MY GOD I WAS JOKING IN THE LAST MOVIE WHEN I SAID THEY LEARNED TO CLIMB

EVEN MY CAT IS LOOKING AT ME LIKE “MOM THE FUCK IS THIS"

Ian: Super raptors!

Danni: i mean okay this is actually a somewhat intelligent move

if you go into a stampede raptors aren’t going to want to follow

oh hey that’s number 3

they don’t waste time in just murdering everyone

Ian: Sad trombone.

Danni: “i’m sure he’s just lying on the ground for fun"

WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED THE RAPTORS SET A TRAP, YOU’RE THE ASSISTANT TO THE MAN WHO JUST CLAIMED EARLIER THAT RAPTORS WOULD HAVE BEEN DOMINANT SPECIES

ANOTHER SAD TROMBONE

oh no… raptors.. don’t like smoke????

jumanji child to the rescue

Bisco just sent me thishttp://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/jeff-goldblum-joins-jurassic-world-sequel-997569Jeff Goldblum Joins 'Jurassic World' Sequel (Exclusive)Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard are returning for the follow-up, which will be directed by J.A. Bayona.hollywoodreporter.com

Ian: Perfect Jumanji reference.

Danni: oh good you mention malcolm in this movie just to shit on him when he's the ONLY REASONABLE CHARACTER FUCK YOU MOVIE

I’M GLAD THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT A DIVORCED COUPLE REALIZING THEY STILL LOVE EACH OTHER, I THOUGHT THIS WAS ABOUT DINOSAURS

“i’m the assistant and i’m suddenly the villain"i’m going to just make a dubstep remix of sad trombone and put it over this entire movie

Ian: Why do I get the feeling Malcolm is coming back purely because the fans demanded it?

Danni: I’M OKAY WITH THAT TBH

it cannot possibly be worse than what i’m watching right now

Ian: Goldblum: "Fine, I'll do another one! Now shut up already!"

Danni: more like “Ah ah ah alright"

A L L  H A I L

Ian: Seriously though, he's probably excited. I get the impression he's fond of those films.

Danni: considering he quoted them in independence day reliving his glory days i would say yes XD

the cell phone in the stomach

the dinosaur is like “buddy can you help me here"

“shit’s annoying i don’t want phone bills"

YEAH JUST INSIST ON GETTING THE BAG BACK

OH WHAT DO YOU KNOW, HE TOOK THE RAPTOR EGGS

IT WAS OBVIOUS AS SHIT

THIS MOVIE IS AS SUBTLE AS A BRICK TO THE FACE

Ian: He took the fucking eggs.

Danni: OF COURSE HE DID

BECAUSE WE NEED SOMETHING POOR AND CONTRIVED TO DRIVE THIS CONSIDERING ALL OF THE CHARACTERS ARE FLATTER THAN A PIECE OF PAPER

grant COULD have something to him

that’s what frustrates me

but like nope he gotta be dumb and do it for the money

he can’t be like malcolm and be like FUCK EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS and the only reason he went back is to rescue someone he cares about OH LOOK BILLY’S LEAVING EITHER TO TRY AND REDEEM HIMSELF OR BE A DICK, EITHER ONE

MAYBE BOTH

Ian: And Grant isn't even getting money. HA!

Danni: and still finds the time to shit on malcolm

likeeee a prick

okay grant kick the pterodactyl i’m sure it loves that

i’m sure it lOVES that

you fucking maroon

Ian: I know he and Malcolm had different personalities and had an awkward relationship, but I always wondered what Grant had against him. Malcolm stuck up for all the victims while the suits covered everything up.

Danni: exactly

and grant calls him preachy and stuck up even now

you think they would’ve bonded over that shit

DID THE PTERODACTYL JUST LOOK AT US, THE VIEWERS

LIKE “IT’S A LIVING"

“MURDERING PEOPLE"

ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL SYMPATHY FOR THIS RAPTOR EGG STEALING FUCK

NO, HE DESERVED IT, HE WAS JUST LIKE JOHN HAMMOND, YOU WEREN’T WRONG

DON’T ACT LIKE YOU WERE

THAT WAS HIS DIMENSION

Ian: YES THEY ARE!

Danni: IAN I CAN FEEL MYSELF GETTING STUPIDER

omg the cell phone again

i love that this fucking thing is a fucking plot device

Ian: They went from ripples in the water to cell phone ringtones.

Danni: oh hey, it’s literally the movie, people digging in shit

Ian: OMG, so many Internet forums made that same observation.

I was waiting for you to react to that and I wasn't disappointed.

Danni: so glad you entrusted your fucking life to a child who is going to get distracted by barney

didn’t kirby say it could only make one call.  and you used it without his permission to call your old girlfriend in an emergency

you deserve to get eaten

oh and somehow she’s going to put this shit together

Ian: Barney steals the show.

Danni: HOW DID YOU SET THE WATER ON FIRE

Ian: Impressive, right?

Danni: OH GOOD, YOU KILLED THE DAD

A FUCKING PLUS, GRANT

OH NO WAIT HE’S THE LOVE INTEREST

HE’S FINE

I ACTUALLY WOULD HAVE BEEN IMPRESSED IF HE HAD DIED

IT WOUDL HAVE SHOWN SACRIFICE AND GROWTH

NOPE

GOTTA HAVE THAT WHIMSY

oh good MORE FORCED FUCKING DIALOGUE BETWEEN A DIVORCED COUPLE

Ian: Are we sure Spielberg didn't direct this one?

Danni: he did not

but.  yeah i see your point XD

the whimsy is just as forced

the raptors are back ey

you guys look like shit in this movie

Ian:The ol' *Spielberg dysfunctional family* (TM)

Danni: barking raptors

what the fuck is grant doing

what the fuck was that shit

WHAT IS THE ARMY DOING HERE

Ian: "Summon the eagles! I mean the Marines!" - Gandalf

Danni: OH SOMEHOW BILLY IS ALIVE

FUCK LITERALLY ALL OF THIS

YEAH THEY’RE LEAVING THE GODDAMN ISLAND

THIS IS THE PROBLEM I HAD AT THE END OF TWO

Ian: The pterodactyls?

Danni: MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING AS THEY’RE UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD AGAIN

HOW FUCKING MAJESTIC

I AM TEN TIMES DUMBER THAN WHEN I STARTED THIS MOVIE

Ian: YAYYYY!!!

Danni: CHRIS PRATT YOUR RAPTOR PACK BETTER BE WORTH THIS

Ian: Oh come on, it was at least somewhat fun, right?

Danni: thiiiiis was awful

i feel like my iq dropped

Ian: I remember leaving the theater after my first time watching it and I remember overhearing someone say "That was good, but not enough people died in it."

Danni: PFFFFF

10/10

(but no seriously what the fuck even was this movie)

Ian: Most fans consider JP3 as the "cash-in" sequel.

Danni: i would agree

Ian: For what it's worth though, the same fans agree that Jurassic World redeems it back.

As do I.

~~~~

And then I watched Jurassic World and fucking adored the movie more than the first three.  FINALLY.

[cwdcshows]

Stargirl - S1 E9 - Brainwave

Well, this episode boring and pointless.  I don't even know where to start. So Brainwave recorded a series of expositional videos explaining his powers in minute detail; which is super convenient in order for his son to learn what he needed to know.  Although, considering Papa Brainwave wakes up by the end of the episode, why was that even necessary to contrive Jr's instruction like that?

For someone supposedly so intelligent, at no point in the last 20 years, Brainwave never considered transferring his video diaries from VHS to digital?  I mean, it's hard enough to even find a decent working VCR anymore, much less the tapes; and obviously the tracking wasn't working right with some of those. It would have been hilarious if Jr was watching one of the videos and discovered it had accidentally been recorded over partly with some old show. Naturally, Courtney needs to spell out the fact that maybe, if you're going to read someone's casually thoughts, you need to dig a little deeper to get a full picture of who someone actually is, rather than just a flash of what's at the surface.  But not surprisingly logic goes out the window the second Plot Contrivance, Attourney at Law walks in thinking about how he's trying to scam him.  Heaven forfend Papa Bear actually left instructions about not wanting to be in a persistent vegitative state and have Jr read genuine sympathy from the lawyer for having to deliver unpleasant news. The scene between Yolanda and Henry was almost good; and it really should have been more the central focus of the plot, expositional dump and contrivances to drive Henry to the dark side.  They were on the cusp of exploring something that could have been very effective, where Henry how his behavior has hurt people; and that there is more than just darkness beneath the surface of other people's minds. But no.  Instead they threw that aside in favor of the more simplistic plot.  Mind you, the fact that Henry Jr looks 40 and ever since his powers started kicking in has looked increasingly constipated, I'm not sure there's any level of better writing that could have compensated for those shortcomings.  Looking the actor up, I know he's only technically 23, but man, that's a rough 23... So daddy big-brain was a weak willed scientist who was tormented and abused by his father, then gained super-powers.  Yeah, I think that pretty much wins super-villain bingo.   As soon as Courtney inexplicably tried to pick up the baking dish from inside the oven without oven mitts, only to realize, "oh, shit, ovens make things too hot to touch with my bare skin." I knew there had to be some contrived reason to have a character do something so obviously stupid.  So naturally Icicle picks up the pan without issue - because it's only fair if you're going to make your superheroes incredibly stupid, that you match them against equally stupid villains, who don't know how to not be obvious they have super powers by ignoring things like picking up something that's probably hot. And I'm sure they couldn't have come up with some other intelligent way of having Courtney realize who he was. But should "Icicle" be invulnerable to heat?  If anything, shouldn't be he be more sensitive to eat sources, rather than less?  I suppose that might make it difficult to walk around in any temperate climate; and would probably dress in much less insulated clothes.  I mean, that is the entire premise behind Mr. Freeze's refrigeration suit; he can't survive for long outside of it anything higher than subzero temperatures.  But I suppose Mr. Freeze and Icicle aren't strictly the same. You gotta love the fact that when looking at the "Seven Soldiers of Victory" photo, Courtney points out whom she describes as Robin Hood; and when Pat is identifying everyone's actual name, he doesn't mention the fact that the "Robin Hood" looking dude is actually supposed to be an alternate version of the Green Arrow.  I guess it's understandable not to want to have to explain that or make a correlation that could misconstrued. Why was the photo in black and white though?  How old is Pat?  And why is he always involving himself with underage superheroes?  I mean, I know this isn't revealing a new partnership, it was still whats-his-name (probably not Courtney's dad) who started out as the Star Spangled Kid and later became Star Man; and that they had already established that Pat met him when the Kid was a teenager and Pat was in his 20s, but now with Courtney and subsequently her Jr Justice Society, it's a little weird that this is becoming his thing.  I think they might have gone overboard with how young they made Sylvester, especially in contrast to him growing up to look like Joel McHale, this kid, for one things, is obviously a kid; standing next to the clearly grown-ass Pat, who barely looks any different than he does now.   And come to think of it, Joel McHale is 48; even giving him the benefit of the doubt and saying Sylvester/Starman was only 40 during the fight where he and the rest of the Justice Society was killed, but that was ten years ago; meaning if he were still alive, Sylvester would be at least 50, pegging Pat to be somewhere in his mid 50s/early 60s. Aaaand of course Barbara walks downstairs while the floating, magic cosmic staff is our and Pat and Courtney are talking about it; because a) they picked probably the most asinine place to hide it, short of just laying it out on the kitchen counter, and b) naturally she would find out in the same episode Pat starts talking about telling Barbara the truth, only for her to find out some other way than them being upfront with her. Honestly, I like Amy Smart, but her character on this show is so useless, and the writers keep using her to hamstring the plot with inane subplots, like making dinner for her supervillain boss.  I hate to say it, but if they can't use the character effectively, I kind of hope they kill her off.  She's no Joyce Summers.