#the series is often so unnecessarily dramatic

[airenyah]

glad you enjoyed 😊 (also i apologize for the many typos, i was really tired that day and definitely couldn't be bothered to proofread hahaha)

anyway, as i've said this is really just the tip of the iceberg. there are many important things that i haven't even mentioned yet, such as actors actively listening to each other (this is pretty difficult! and you can tell when actors aren't listening to each other and that's usually a bad thing → unless the character is supposed to not be listening. again it's all relative to the specific scene).

on that note: "wahrnehmen". a word that means to perceive, to (take) note. the "actively listening" point falls into that, an actor has to take perceive their co-star's words, but not just that, they have to perceive every single sound (actively hear and notice it), they have to perceive every single thing they look at (actively looking at it and taking note of it), they have to perceive every single touch whether they're the one doing the touching or the one being touched (actively feeling it), etc... actually i have an example of this (surprise surprise it's bad buddy and ohm again. so much brainrot even after a year has passed help me). i'm going to talk about this at the end of this reblog in this separate post though, because i want to point out some other things i've mentioned as well

you also have to mean everything that you say or do. if you don't mean it then you will come across as a person reciting some lines and going through the motions rather than a "living" character (i don't really know how to put this, i hope this makes sense hahaha. i'm trying to say the character seems like a real living person then)

i also didn't say a single thing about conflict, the importance of which was really hammered into my head by both my camera acting teacher and my mom (their fave sentence on this topic: "where's the conflict?"). even my voice teacher has talked about this (the feedback he gave to my colleague on her monologue? he was missing some inner conflict which would have made the monologue a lot more captivating). and conflict doesn't mean the obvious conflict written into the plot, the script (that's the scriptwriter's problem). in acting this conflict is the inner conflict a character has that isn't necessarily in the script and it's an actor's job to find that conflict and show it to the audience. a character portrayed by an actor who shows a lot of conflict will be more interesting than a character portrayed by an actor who doesn't show conflict (you can see the difference really well if you compare the 2009 kdrama "you are beautiful" with its taiwanese remake! and comparing these two versions also showcases really well how boring it is when actors keep doing the same thing over and over. i actually had a whole analysis project going on about this with a friend and i wish i could sit you down next to me and go through it with you as well)

a beautiful word that i stole from my monologue teacher is "dagegenspielen" and it's yet another one of those where i have no clue how to best say this in english. the literal translation is something like "to act against" or "to play against". basically it's when an actor is going against the plot/the genre in a very specific way. for example when they are in a tragedy but they don't act or behave in a tragic way (last year i was doing the "wherefore art thou romeo" monologue. and in the beginning i struggled a lot and my beloved monologue teacher would constantly tell me "your acting is too tragic! the audience knows this is a tragedy but juliet doesn't know it at this point, so why are you being so tragic?"). a tragedy is already very heavy from the plot alone and if an actor then portrays every scene in a tragic way too then it will just get exhausting for the audience. so it's an actor's job to lighten the tragedy and make it easier to digest for the audience, giving them a break from all the drama. besides, the actual tragic scenes will hit you even more that way (my monologue teacher would talk a lot about "fallhöhen" aka the hight of the drop. if you bring your audience up to a happy place then the drop down to the sad place will be much higher and it will hurt a lot more. but if you're already in the sad place then the audience might slip and fall on their butt which might sting for a moment, but they'll immediately get up and continue on, not thinking about it ever again. but bring the audience up to a high point and let them fall, that'll be much more painful and they'll take a while until they've picked up the pieces after the drop)

god this is is already getting so long again and i haven't even mentioned communication yet. as an actor you are never alone on stage or in front of the camera. you have to create relationships with every other character. that refers to the characters that are currently in the same space as well as characters that are not in that scene at all. but not just characters! you have to create a relation(ship) between your character and every single object they interact with, in fact with the whole world around you (this is where the point of actually perceiving everything comes in!). once you have learned how to look out for it, it gets really obvious when an actor is only in their own bubble and doesn't communicate well with their co-stars (my camera acting teacher would always talk about "futter geben" - feeding your co-stars. if you offer a lot to your co-stars they will have a much easier time to respond to you and take it further)

honestly, there are so many more things i take note of when i analyze acting, but it usually comes to me as i'm watching something. i mean this got even longer now but trust me, there are things still missing that i'm forgetting about right now or that i can't explain. also i'm not sure that all of this even makes sense to someone without experience. it really botheres me that i can't just sit everyone reading this down and show some clips and point very specific things out, comparing them with other, similar scenes and concepts, etc.... but this is a tumblr post, so this will have to do

I appreciate everyone's good advice to just drop the damn thing, but for some reason I feel compelled to keep watching Candy Color Paradox, and then complain about it. It's feeling like my experience watching War of Y, although they are very different shows, in that I'm fascinated by it's successes and failures. And I now want to find out what the show ends up saying (either intentionally or not) about the morality of paparazzi journalism. I did notice that two minutes after I paused to write my last post Kaburagi was questioning the ethics of what they did and how it impacted their subject, so I have some hope that the show is at least trying to say something.

However to avoid polluting the tags with my negativity for people who are enjoying the show, I'll keep my criticism below readmores.

Before I get into that, are the editors at the magazine trying to match-make Kaburagi and Onoe? 🤔Because they keep singing the praises of each of them to the other one. 👀

I think the biggest problem for me is that I just don't think the actors are very good. According to MDL they're both idols and don't have much previous acting experience, and I can tell. They're both trying their best, but there is this awkward amateurism to their acting that is distracting me and makes the characters feel less real. I'm just now watching the scene with Congressman's secretary, and it's clear just how much more comfortable this older actor is on screen (at least before he sexually assaults Onoe). He moves and talks and inhabits his body in this unselfconscious way that is engaging to watch. And in the scene when Onoe is talking to his bartender friend, Masayan, my eyes kept being drawn to the bartender, even though all he was doing was listening and nodding. But he just seemed so much present and real.

I bring these two other (much more experienced) actors up because it affirmed for me that it wasn't just my imagination. Both young actors have this tentativeness to their physicality, which really doesn't work for the supposedly cool and dominating Kaburagi, but neither does it feel like it matches the awkwardness that Onoe has. It feels like the actor's own awkwardness, rather than the character's, somehow. It doesn't help matters that they both seem made-up and styled like idols rather than journalists. They just both look so young.

They're not terrible, they both have some nice moments, and Onoe's face especially is growing on me. I think he's the stronger actor, actually, he has this wonderful wide-eyed way of looking at Kaburagi that temporarly creates the illusion that these two have chemistry. The roles I suspect are actually deceptively hard to do well, balancing complex emotions with slapstick comedy. I'm not an actor, but I imagine that's something that requires a lot of experience to pull off well. But it does mean that the chemistry isn't really there, that Kaburagi's philosophical musings feel shallow instead of like insights into a moral crisis, and that Onoe's panic about falling in love doesn't ring true for me.

And oh my god that final sex scene in the car, there was no connection there, it felt like they were each in their own world, not like they were reacting to each other. Which I get, it probably feels much safer for the actors to approach it that way. But it's so obvious on screen. At least a JBL is willing to portray sexuality on screen, I guess? Next step is helping inexperienced actors get comfortable with it. (Eternal Yesterday and Utsukushii Kare were on a different level all together, production and direction wise, and the actors in Old Fashion Cupcake are such pros that they probably could have managed it on their own, though I imagine they had support. And thus concludes the list of JBL I've seen that have attempted more than dead fish kisses.)

The other problem is a mismatch of my expectations and what the show actually is. I keep wanting it to be more serious; it touches upon these complex issues—the sexual assault, ethics in journalism, Kaburagi's feelings about trading sexual favors for information—and then glancing right off of them. Whereas I keep hoping for them to dig in. But it seems very devoted to it's yaoi roots, particularly with a sexually aggressive seme and a blushing maiden uke, and not interested in going much deeper.

And since this is my space to vent, I just watched another show where a completely untrained person was miles better at tailing people and taking covert photos than than these two are. The shows are completely different in tone and budget, so perhaps it's not fair to compare, but it did make me laugh. (I don't want to spoil that show, though it's barely a spoiler, but it's this one for anyone curious.)

[paperstorm]

Why do you think Carlos is so convinced that he's a disappointment to his father? Gabriel seemed so happy to see him when they ran into him and TK at the farmer's market. It seems like Carlos has convinced himself for whatever reason that he's not good enough for his father and I can't quite figure out why.

*cracks knuckles* Get ready for an unnecessarily deep dive and a series of truly terrible gifs, kids.

I think that having a not-good-enough complex is a really layered and complicated thing, and it often is the result of a combination of real and perceived things. There have been a lot of people in my life who treated me like I wasn’t good enough, and there are also a lot of people who probably didn’t but I thought they did because I was projecting my own issues onto them. For Carlos I’m sure it’s exactly the same. I, too, fully believed that my parents loved me, and also fully believed I would never be enough for them. Those two thoughts can and often do exist completely in harmony with each other even though they seem contradictory.

We don’t get an enormous amount of backstory into Carlos and his trauma. We get glimpses but this is an ensemble show and they don’t have the time to deep dive into every facet of every character. Here’s what we do know.

Carlos came out to his parents when he was 17, they were shocked, they hugged him, but then never talked about it again. For ten years. That is a long time to never talk about something that’s so pivotal in a person’s life. We never find out exactly why. The show hasn’t (or hasn’t yet) given us Gabriel and Andrea’s reasoning for this. But for Carlos, we can infer from what’s said in canon that he took this to be a sort of ‘hate the sin, love the sinner’ situation.

That his parents still loved him, but didn’t accept his lifestyle. And maybe at first that was true, we don’t know. We just know Carlos clearly thought that he had to stay sort of semi-closeted; not necessarily lie about who he is, but not *act gay*, not talk about it, not bring boys home to meet them. We know that put a ton of strain on their relationship and was a big source of hurt for Carlos, but that his parents meant so much to him that he was willing to do that in order to keep them. Again, we don’t know whether he was right to think that, but we do know that he thought it, so there must have been at least some reasons for that.

We know that Gabriel didn’t want Carlos to become a police officer. Once again we don’t get details on this, we don’t know what that conversation looked like or what Gabriel’s reasons were, but we have the canon fact that Carlos thinks it’s because Gabriel thought he was too soft. That might be a mix of real and perceived, but kids are very perceptive so it wasn’t something Carlos completely made up.

We know that at the end of 2x08 Carlos was genuinely shocked to find out that a) his dad had figured out TK was his boyfriend, and b) he was okay with it. Carlos in 2x04 says “and if that never changes?” in response to TK being willing to pretend they’re just friends, and he says it in such a sincere way that it communicates he genuinely believes it is a possibility that he’s going to have to hide himself forever. He’s not being dramatic, this is a thing Carlos truly believes, so again, there are reasons for that even though the audience doesn't get to know what they are.

We know that Carlos is sensitive. Whether that sensitivity is a strength or a weakness depends on whose eyes you’re seeing it through, but Carlos is incredibly kind and gentle, with a huge heart and past hurts he carries around and a really strong desire to be loved and accepted. If Gabriel is not particularly this kind of person, he might have had a hard time relating to Carlos when he was growing up. When you factor in things like religion, culture (I am not the right person to speak on this but the culture of Latin machismo is a whole thing), and Carlos being either the only child or at the very least the only male child, I don’t have a hard time believing Carlos spent most of his childhood feeling like his dad thought he was too soft. I can easily see that playing out in all kinds of ways over many, many years, even if it’s not something Gabriel ever did on purpose or maliciously.

And then finally we have their adversarial scenes in 2x08 which I think are really clear window into the father/son dynamic between these two.

Carlos is obviously really upset, but Gabriel gives him nothing. He’s doing his job, that’s fair enough, but this is also his child (as far as canon goes, his only child), and he doesn’t do anything to reach out when Carlos is upset and scared and spiralling.

Carlos says at the beginning of the scene that his captain and Gabriel have known each other for 30 years, indicating Carlos not only thinks he’s let his dad down, he thinks he’s embarrassed his dad in front of coworkers and that’s so much worse. Carlos also reveals that “they all” think he got played. He’s being treated by others like a sensitive little baby who isn’t tough enough to do his job, and the man whose approval Carlos needs more than any other human on the planet only serves to reiterate those awful feelings.

There are parts in this scene where Gabriel is sarcastic and almost mocking in the way he deals with what Carlos did.

And then there’s this.

This is the one that kills me the most. Because this is the perfect physical manifestation of Carlos’s claim that his dad thinks he’s too soft. Clearly, in this moment, Carlos isn’t just imagining that. The implication is so loud - Gabriel thinks Carlos is too sensitive and too easily manipulated by emotions to be a good cop. A good cop wouldn’t have been tricked the way he believes Carlos was.

It all feels heavily personal. If Gabriel didn’t know the officer he was questioning, he might not be super warm and fuzzy but there also wouldn’t be this knowing air of like 'sigh. Here we are, once again.' The disappointment just radiates off him (how good is Benito btw but that is a side point) and it seems implied that this is not the first time Gabriel has had to haul his tough Ranger ass in and clean up something that happened because Carlos got his precious feelings hurt.

And then the final blow:

As in, Gabriel thinks Carlos doesn’t. With this hug that doesn’t feel warm or affectionate but more like a mob boss kissing a snitch on the cheek before planting his feet in wet concrete. This scene is so devastating.

Later, when they have suspects and it turns out Carlos was right, he so clearly is once again in need of reassurance and again, he doesn’t get it, which further demonstrates this dynamic between them where Carlos has emotional needs that consistently aren’t being met.

Even calling him Carlitos in this moment feels hurtful, because it feels like he’s still being treated like a little boy. It’s the contextual difference between someone who loves you saying ‘I know, honey’, and someone who is pitying you saying ‘oh, honey …’

So. Tldr, we do have to use a little imagination because we’ve only been provided a skeleton of Carlos’s backstory and we probably are never going to get hours of flashbacks. But there are a LOT of hints sprinkled in, and I think lots of realism in the way it’s portrayed, especially when you factor in culture and consider that Carlos’s feelings of being too soft for his father likely existed well before he knew he was gay, and then his sexuality felt like a bit of a final nail in that coffin. Carlos still aches for his father’s approval and acceptance at 26/27 and has those heartbreaking little moments of 'I did everything you said please love me', but he’s also somewhat resigned to the fact that he doesn’t think he’ll ever get it.

I’m so happy he’s wrong about that.

[lordofthestrix]

house rules for tristan and freya too 😂

Send me a URL and I’ll post 10 house rules their muse and mine would have if they lived together This one was more challenging than the one with Leah (Don't tell her. I'm pretty sure she might get offended if we let her know she wasn't the difficult one this time) I was going to go with an alternative third season that sees Tristan around when Lucien goes all red-eyed and annoying but the trouble is even if they are sharing a place as part of some unlikely alliance I can see both of them hyperfocusing so much on the task at hand that their interactions remain pretty superficial beyond the occasional glare and quip. So instead...I'm going to jump through quite  a number of hoops. I'm going to start with the question you once raised to me about what could have happened if they had met before the events of the series. Let's say Freya's awakening this century arrives a couple of years sooner. Let's say that Tristan takes notice of a duo of immensely powerful witches that appear to arrive into existence out of nowhere. Let's say that after the uncertainty of some tense initial exchanges he offers Freya a collaboration. And let's say that with a mixture of old and new magical knowledge and inventiveness they succeed in not killing but messing with the internal mechanisms of the sleeping circle of Dahlia's spell, forcing her to take a sudden, premature nap just as she is not very peacefully inquiring what exactly is her niece doing with a group of vampires. Next, let's say that Tristan offers her to stay around for as long as she wishes. Pointing out that his coven represents a collection of magical talent in diverse branches of witchcraft ideal for any sorceress who might be hoping to expand and upgrade her skill in all sorts of new directions she missed during her sleeping years. Varied spells and ways they would be delighted to exchange for Freya's expertise in old magic forgotten to time. Pointing out they are her best bet for a more permanent solution regarding her slumbering aunt. Pointing out she might even find something in common with them, considering the members of The Sisters often carried a past of misfortune caused by the scale and potential of their power.  Let's say Freya says yes? And there we have it. That's the best I could come up with for this situation. Does that work? Oh and for extra fun and future drama Tristan would have no idea she is a Mikaelson. Because honestly you can hear her whole story with Dahlia without reason to make any association to them and as good as Tristan can be knowing about you, I can see this situation as one that would take him entirely by surprise if just as they are advancing in trusting each other suddenly Freya casually mentions Esther or Mikael by name. Okay. Unnecessarily long prologue over. The rules:   1) Even if the culinary masters of the Strix immediately love Freya because she gives them the perfect excuse to revisit the most delicious foods from each period she didn't get the chance to experience, from breakfast to dinner, they should never forget the occasional undertone of blood is always a no for her. She isn't that kind of immortal. 2) The sisters wearing capes during the execution of some spells and hexes is part of an aesthetic and not at all a sign that the leader of the organization might have a flair for the dramatic. There is no need to overly question the level of current relevance connected to the garment. 3) Just because one of the other witches might be a prodigy and artful expert in all sorts of magical relics, dark objects and charmed trinquets doesn't mean Freya is in any way inviting her to touch her amulet without her permission. 4) Just because the antiquity of the volume may not inspire her a natural reverence, Freya should be careful not to treat and go over unique, 700 years old grimoires as if they were magazines. 5) If at any point it just so happens that she starts feeling as part of the group, Freya is entitled to her own cape. She can be certain the quality and cut of the fabric is next to none and past magical voices assure that there is a certain ineffable theatrical satisfaction in spellcrafting in it. 6) It is perfectly okay for Freya to command a scene she liked to repeat itself as many times as she wishes in any electronic device of her choosing but that doesn't imply that it is suddenly socially acceptable to tell legendary actresses and actors to start again in the middle of a performance. 7) Freya is encouraged to enjoy any fun she can have from what she might perceive as unexpected popularity among a certain section of vampires just as eager for the occasion to revisit their decades of origin in some grand event or activity after hearing of her strange tale but highly discouraged to pick favorites, no matter how craftily they may ask for comparisons in her perspective. Courts of vampires are complicated settings to navigate. 8) Freya will do her best to avoid assuming that any open curiosity about her form of immortality suggest the other person wants to break her neck to see it in action. 9) It doesn't matter if she perceives any form of intended treachery in a member of the Strix, it isn't her place to act in accordance.  Proposed by Aya. Overruled by an impressed Tristan who instead offered his approving gratitude after hearing of the happening. 10) This rare state of ambiguous association, with her collaborating or not just as little or as much as she wishes, is transparently offered since a certain degree of paranoia is rightfully expected given her circumstances but Tristan remains just as transparent in letting her know he very much intends for her to find a place to belong there. He believes they should talk, whenever she is ready.   @viikingwitch

[zoewilkinson]

Blog Post 6 - How Women Are Represented in Games

The way women have been stereotyped and represented in video games and media for the last few decades is something that will likely always be a major topic of conversation. Women have often been oversexualised and often portrayed negatively. This is not only damaging to the women who see themselves represented this way, but also to the way others perceive them in the real world, creating harmful stereotypes and the objectification of women.

The Male Gaze

The male gaze has a major impact on the way female characters have been designed previously. The concept of the male gaze was coined by Laura Mulvey, a British film theorist, in her journal “Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema” (Mulvey, 1975). Mulvey discusses the gendered issues in films and visual media at the time, which opened up the conversation in the future for how the representation of women still hasn’t changed. The male gaze reinforces the gender stereotypes and creates a power imbalance between men and women. When female characters are designed to have an exaggerated appearance with dramatically enhanced features and minimal clothing, it further pushes unrealistic beauty standards onto women and fetishises them as something there purely for the visual appeal of men. The negative representation of women has a real-world impact, teaching young girls and women that their value is based on their appearance, as well as giving men and young boys certain expectations for how a woman should be perceived, especially in the gaming community.

Even when a female character is meant to be the main protagonist and presented as powerful and breaking out of gendered stereotypes, the appearance is still often unnecessarily sexualised. A game that stands out to me when thinking about a strong female protagonist is the Tomb Raider series. Focusing specifically on Tomb Raider: Underworld (2008) Lara Croft is a powerful, strong and intelligent character and is the sole focus of the story, and in my opinion is a source of female empowerment. However, this to me is slightly overshadowed by the way she is oversexualised and clearly targeted at the male gaze and has been since the original game (McInnes, 2016). While it isn’t the main selling point of the character, she is still designed to have unrealistically enhanced features that are used to appeal towards male players, almost implying that having a female protagonist wouldn’t be interesting enough if she wasn’t sexualised or visually appealing. There is a notable improvement in the design of Lara Croft in recent games, where she has more realistic proportions and more covering clothes, so it’s clear that as an industry we are along the right track for improvement, but there is still a way to go.

Another aspect of female representation in games I want to touch upon is the way games targeted at younger girls are also often based around appearances. I vividly remember growing up playing online games solely based around makeup, fashion and appearances, with very few games targeted at young girls being about anything else. While I don’t think this is a major problem or even something to stop, I do think that it further pushes gender stereotypes onto girls, being taught from a very young age that it’s expected that they wear makeup and dress a certain way to meet gender expectations. However, I do remember feeling excited to play games like this and enjoying them, so I don’t think that they’re the sole root of the problem, and that it’s something women are just taught throughout their lives through different media sources or influential people in their lives.

It's important to point out that while there is still a long way to go, the gaming industry as a whole is making efforts to address these issues and create more positive representations of women in games. We’re seeing many more games where women are presented as strong and capable of the same things we’ve seen from male characters previously, instead of being shown as weak side characters or damsels in distress. In the article “Female Representation in Video Games: How Are We Doing?” (Hamilton, 2019), Hamilton states that “75% of women and girls who game indicate that representation of female characters in video games is important to them.” (Hamilton, 2019). As a female character artist who grew up never seeing myself represented, I agree with this statement, and I’m really passionate about this topic because I want to see a serious change in female representation in the future. In my own work, I have been considering ways of creating female characters with more masculine features, or different body types and clothing choices to start showing women in different ways than usually expected, making them be known for their strengths or personality traits rather than purely their physical appearance.

Bibliography

CRYSTAL DYNAMICS. (2008) Tomb Raider: Underworld. [DISC] PlayStation 3. London: Eidos Interactive Limited

Danylova, A., 2020. Gender Struggles: Female Representation in Video Games. [Online] Available at: https://inkspire.org/post/gender-struggles-female-representation-in-video-games/-M7d51VKbu2OSfnfQ9am [Accessed 23 December 2023].

Hamilton, J., 2019. Female Representation in Video Games: How Are We Doing?. [Online] Available at: https://www.gamedeveloper.com/audio/female-representation-in-video-games-how-are-we-doing- [Accessed 23 December 2023].

McInnes, L., 2016. Lara Croft and Gaming: Feminism in a Hyper-Masculine Industry. [Online] Available at: https://pitjournal.unc.edu/2023/01/06/lara-croft-and-gaming-feminism-in-a-hyper-masculine-industry/ [Accessed 23 December 2023].

Mulvey, L., 1975. Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema. Screen, 16(3), pp. 6-18.

[titanicfreija]

Formal dancing together took some work. The first waltz felt good, but Sunny just relaxed, she didn't dance.

Which was why she wanted to now.

But Freija's lack of creativity often stifled her informal dancing. Rise taught her several but it gave the Titan a series of motions to recite, it didn't teach her how to dance. For all her animation, Freija locked up without guidance. Thus, she held love for waltzes, tangos, and certain maps and games in the crucible.

Unfortunately for Sunny, waltzes and tangos all but necessitated a humanoid shape. So she needed to adapt.

"You've been quiet."

If Freija would give her the time.... "I'm trying to figure out a puzzle," she sort-of-didn't-lie.

Silence hung heavy in the cockpit for several long moments, until Freija slowly tried, "Yeah?"

"I'll tell you when I think I can explain it."

"Ah. Okay. On a scale of one to ten, how imperative is it that I leave you alone?"

Sunny almost got to ask before Freija interrupted. "One being I can point out a pretty flower, and ten being injured in the middle of combat and you already said 'hang on' once."

"Was there a particular thing?" Sunny giggled nervously upon having that trait pointed out. The ghost got irrationally annoyed when Freija called her unnecessarily. (The annoyance had rational roots, being that she wanted to help and knew what was wrong and couldn't get at it, and therefore Freija's call could only be dispair and fear, and it hurt Sunny to hear. The irrationality stood in her being snippy and angry and stormy after the instances.)

"Kinda. Wanted to talk to you about the music and dancing thing again. I know I said I'd drop it..."

Apparently, Freija had expected to be interrupted, because she didn't pick it back up. She was prepared to have an argument just by bringing it up.

Blasted Titan.

"Were you waiting for me to explode at you so I could give you something to argue with?"

"Kinda? I'm still kinda hoping the ranting will help me figure out how to help."

Sunny dropped out of the air and she planned to catch herself over the instrument panel but Freija gasped and cried out, lunging to catch with both hands. "You okay?!"

"I'm exasperated, but I'm fine," Sunny groaned, floating to Freija's ear height. "Didn't mean to scare you, I was just trying to be dramatic."

"It's fine," she muttered, turning back to the controls and checking the autopilot and the gauges artificially.

"I'm... It's sweet, the way you want to help me, it really is, but you do need to face the fact that, occasionally, we do lose."

Freija hardly glanced at Sunny and shrugged lightly. "I know. We lost every step of the way in Neomuna. And the crucible still eats me alive."

Sunny nudged her shoulder. "Sometimes there's nothing left for a thing but to let it lie."

The perpetually hardened brow softened and Freija pouted like a puppy at her ghost, then looked back to her visual. "Sorry."

"It's okay. This time, that's not the case."

The puppy face came back, but happier. "Yeah?"

"The puzzle is finding balance for your structured dances and my non -limbed shape. I can't stretch my petals to reach hands or sub in for legs in ways that'll translate to the dances. So I'm trying to think of what to do."

"There's all kinds of parallel parts dancing," Freija cheered. "Groups in the Tower do it all the time. It takes a second to learn how to do them right, but we can totally dance together!"

Sunny giggled. "I have too many pieces in the wrong places to imitate you guys. My bottom panels are front and back, and I can spread them out and go back and forth, but I can't do it enough to copy footwork."

"Oh? I'll need to see. So you've got... Eight? On your discs?"

"The ones I could use to dance, yes. Top, bottom, left, right. I used the angular ones for a long time, but the pieces move similarly. There's only a few exceptions, most of which are fewer."

"Yay! I can imitate your bouncing motions, spins, kinda things. We'll have to work together for hands and feet for you, or reinterpret, maybe keep feet together?"

"Well... I'll have to remember how, first, I don't want you to think I've got a routine planned or anything."

"Don't let me get excited and scare you," Freija laughed. "But really, when you get your petals worked out, remember how you like to use them, show me so I can see if I can copy with my arms somehow? And if you do anything with the other two sets. I don't know what I can do with my head, but we can work it out!"

Sunny nudged Freija's head gently. "I will," she promised. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Being my guardian. What's a five on that scale?"

"Ummm.... Something odd and not readily identifiable from a hundred meters somewhere like the gulch in the EDZ?"

"That'll suffice."

"Okay. I promise not to whine about any music."

[starryalpacasstuff]

Absolutely BEAUTIFUL additions by Tel and Turtles, you guys really get it. It's so true that it would be a very, very long time before Ming and Dissaya accept PatPran's relationship being out in the open, because that would mean having to acknowledge that their families are now linked. And the Dissaya we saw in the series would likely rather die than have Ming as a family member. I love the point about how families tend to accept but not acknowledge spouses, which honestly often applies beyond spouses as well. I really like the idea of the melancholic note of Pat and Pran waiting for Ming and Dissaya to pass away before getting married; I myself have always known that I'm most likely going to have to wait for my grandparents to pass before getting married, so that totally resonates with me.

However, if we are to consider how PatPran could have a wedding with their parents present (because I completely agree that there is very little chance that Pran would ever agree to get married without his parents present) there are infinite possibilities and I'm having a blast coming up with them.

In most QLs where we see strict family members coming around, it's usually because they realize just how much they're hurting their children by their ideals. GAP the series is an example, and so is Romil and Jugal, Bad Buddy's forgotten older cousin (a romeo and juliet inspired indian bl that I've talked about here). I think, that PatPran might try to ask permission to marry. This would take place years into the future, obviously, and at this point the parents' knowledge of their relationship is more of an open secret. Pat likely convinces Pran to give it a shot. Both parents would obviously refuse, but at this point I think it'll be more because they believe that giving their blessings will mean that they 'lose' the rivalry. Them 'losing face' would be the primary motivator in all this. But, I think that, much like in the og series, Ming and Dissaya eventually come around. Somewhere along the way, they realize that if they don't give permission for this marriage, they will never get to see their sons get married. I think that the point about kids that @waitmyturtles mentioned could really come in here as well. This, I think, would be particularly devastating for Dissaya, since, like you guys mentioned, Pran is her only child, and hence her only chance at seing her child married and having grandkids. And perhaps, if, due to some miracle, they get really mature and/or their respective partners talk to them, they may even realize what @telomeke said about PatPran getting married anyway after they die. This would probably be the final nail in the coffin that leads to an unnecessarily dramatic standoff between the two that ends with them agreeing to let the boys get married through gritted teeth.

Really, I think that all it would take for Ming and Dissaya to agree would be for them to learn that the other is also willing to allow the marriage. This makes me think of a hijinky situation wherein Pat and Pran just straight up lie to their parents (they've done it before it is not that hard) and tell them that the other has agreed to let them get married. I rather doubt that either would ever try fact checking because god forbid the two have a civil conversation. And so, believing themselves to be the 'victor' of the feud, they 'graciously' give permission for the wedding. Now, PatPran are no newbies, and they'd probably prepared everything in advanced, so they're married before anyone even gets a little suspicious.

Another scenario is one where PatPran take a page out of Romil and Jugal's book, and have their wedding, and tell their parents that they're welcome to com, but the marriage is happening either way. Obviously, this is highly unlikely but it may be made possible if PatPran see/hear of an older couple doing something similar, particularly if they're encouraged by Ink and Pa.

It will not be easy for Pat and Pran to get married. It would be even harder for them to get married with their parents present. But it is so cool to imagine all the scenarios that could play out in their story post-marriage equality!

Wonderful day in Thailand. but now for the important questions. Of all the ql thai couples, who's the first to go down the aisle? Like they are counting the minutes and have everything planned out?

Rose💜

KaranAchi, way ahead of the pack (THE INVITES HAVE ALREADY GONE OUT),

followed closely by KingUea, riding on King’s energy, who picked out the ring mentally when he saw those cat ears and managed just a gorgeous proposal, with parents and all. The aunties have already been rubbing their hands together, they need a wedding now.

I think Tharn and Type either tie or gently follow KingUea, because Type legit shaved his head and eyebrows to become a monk to make his folks happy before forever committing to Tharn in TT2.

I think the Cutie Pie dudes wait a while because they already had a ceremony, and it would look just gauche to have ANOTHER event where people would bring MORE gifts, dahling, can you imagine.

Tian and Phupha: the arguments for where and when to have the wedding would take so long that the divorce rate for Thai LGBTQ+ weddings would be higher than the marriage rate at that point.

You know who I wanna throw in here? Phat and Saengtai from La Pluie. Tai MOVED TO CHIANG MAI to be with Phat. He made the move! He moved for his man. I think they’re considering permanence. Phat’s probably thinking of something that involves cute aminals.

I really want to think on the younger dudes, but they’d need time to get more mature — the PeteKaos, the FrameBooks. Frame is chaos enough to maybe drag Book to Vegas to shotgun it, but I think Book’s too hesitant. They also need to go to college. Did AePete talk about “forever” in Love By Chance? I can’t remember. I’d LOVE an AePete wedding, Ae was so whipped.

I haven’t finished GAP yet, so I don’t know if I throw SamMon in here. And let me dream that of all the fucking ridiculous couples of Only Friends, that YoPlug were the best and most communicative of the two minutes that we had them, and we need to see Jennie Panhan go down a motherfucking aisle. IN A GMMTV SHOW.

And my heart hurts a touch for the dudes that can’t get married, like PatPran (parents) and ThunMed (the legislation doesn’t cover ghosts).

Now to think about who would get divorced first…

[stxrvel]

bittersweet feelings (1)

summary: you have to deal with the harsh truth after Bucky arrives from one of his missions.

pairing: bucky barnes x avenger!reader

warnings: nothing i think, just you know English is not my native language so sorry for any mistakes!

words: +2.5k

note: hi! I've been feeling physically unwell since I last posted and have been in bed, but today I was finally able to get a moment of calm and lucidity, so, enjoy and hope you like it!

also, i've been working on a series that I want to publish soon, but I don't know why I always find it difficult to do all that planning. anyway, I really hope I can bring it to you soon! thank u for all the support!

part 2

part 3

Admiring Bucky Barnes from afar has become too much of a challenge in recent days. Before, you were wrapped up in papers, essays, final exams and projects due, locking yourself in your room at a time or living in your university library, simply too busy to wander your eyes over the sprawling figure of Bucky strolling around the Complex. Ironically, he always spent more time there when you weren't there.

But now, completely free of academic responsibilities and banned from going on missions at Fury's whim, you had a lot more time to wander the halls of the Complex, especially in the gym where the man with the metal arm used to spend most of his time. Many times (if not all the time) you felt like a lousy attempt of a stalker, and you was almost 100% sure that he realised what you were doing but preferred not to say anything so as not to embarrass you. And that was much more embarrassing.

But did that stop you? Absolutely not.

He'd cut his hair a few days ago, and although you loved the way his hair looked on his shoulders and the way it blew in the wind every time he walked, as if he were a model on a bloody photo shoot, you shamelessly admitted that you had quickly grown to love his new style. Because, honestly, did something look bad on Bucky?

Your hands moved indiscreetly across the table, crumpling the paper between your fingers that you had previously been reading, as you watched the aforementioned man's shoulders shake after hearing Sam Wilson say something about Scott's card game. You moved your eyes scanning his entire face, trying to memorise the expression on his face as he smiled so openly, as he almost never did in public.

“Am I interrupting your crazy stalker moment?”

Tony's voice startled you, and you turned your head so sharply to look at something other than Bucky that a slight twinge of pain made its way from the back of your neck to your right shoulder. You grimaced and watched the millionaire sit down next to you on one of the black chairs that were spread out in the first floor cafeteria. Ahead of you, a large glass door separated you from one of the side exits of the Complex, where Bucky and Sam had stopped to talk and, surely at first, discuss the mission Bucky had just returned from.

“I'm not a crazy stalker,” you told him dismissively, but your nerves were eating you up inside. Even though you knew you weren't entirely discreet, you still weren't ready for someone to tell you that you were too obvious for him not to know anymore.

“Yeah, sure, whatever you say,” Tony commented sarcastically and you felt a quick pang of fear inside your chest, “I was just coming to tell you that Fury made the decision to send you to Milan with Steve the other week.”

Your gaze finally shifted away from Bucky's figure, closer and closer to where you stood, to Tony and you frowned at him in extreme confusion.

“What? So soon?”

“Isn't that what you wanted? To go back to the camp?”

“Well, yes, but I thought his tantrum was going to last much longer.”

Tony let out a laugh and proceeded to open the packet of peanuts in his pocket, “If he hears you say that, consider yourself fired, kiddo.”

“Then it's a relief that no one heard me say it,” you smiled innocently at Tony, who only gave you a tight-mouthed smile in return.

“It's just a recon mission. Steve thinks there's an empty HYDRA base you can investigate, and you're pretty nimble with that non-digitized document review stuff.”

“You mean I'm good at reading physical documents?”

“You know what I mean, eagle eyes. There's nothing you're missing.”

“Ow,” you croon with a smile, “Thanks for the compliment, Stark.”

“You're welcome. Now, don't go freaking out. Barnes is walking this way.”

He then stood up and planted himself in front of you, as your heart did a wild flip and you felt him pause for a second, before resuming his march at an unnatural pace. You didn't even know if it was possible for a heart to beat that fast. You felt sweat beading on your hands and started to breathe through your mouth as you felt the nervousness take over your whole body.

“What?” you exclaimed, staring at him, sitting uncomfortably in the chair across the table they had shared.

“I told you not to freak out, you're only going to make it worse.”

You narrowed your eyes at him with a frown. Next, you took about three deep breaths to try and calm your frantic heartbeat, before Sam's figure - and consequently Bucky's - appeared in your field of view to the side of Stark's body. The man gave you a look with an arched eyebrow, as if to ask you to behave yourself, which was an exaggeration.

That was an exaggeration. You spent a lot of time with Bucky! Even when you two were alone you didn't feel as nervous as you did at moments like this.

When your gazes met, you could barely return the smile he gave you before you turned your eyes to Sam, who had just spoken but you hadn't gotten to hear everything he'd said because your head was in the clouds.

“...and that you're going back to the camp with Steve. How long since you've been out? Almost four months? You must be anxious.”

You just nodded, looking at him through tight lips.

Tony rubbed his eyes in an exasperated gesture.

“I could ask Fury to let me tag along,” Bucky's voice reached your ears like a forbidden delicacy. It had been several days since you'd last heard it and it was like a gift from the gods, “Lest he bore you with his awkward silences.”

“We don't have awkward silences,” you grumbled quickly, not knowing exactly why you were getting defensive. Tony raised his eyebrows at you and you shrugged in place, “I mean, we talk about a lot of things.”

“Oh yeah?” Bucky's jocular tone didn't do much for your nerves and sanity, “Name a topic you've been talking about for more than three minutes.”

You pursed your lips and stared at his perfect face, uninjured by the mission, as you conjured up memories of your conversations with Steve. Your almost non-existent conversations.

Your cheeks flushed as you realised he was right, but you weren't going to let him win you over this time.

“One time, we talked all night about a movie.”

“If you're going to say you talked about Lord of the Rings, that doesn't count,” Sam spoke with a half smile on his face.

“Why not?” you grumbled quickly, watching the grimace in his face.

“He talks to everyone about those movies. It doesn't even feel like a conversation anymore, it's like a monologue.”

“Careful, Sam,” Tony spoke up after several seconds, “She likes those movies too.”

“Hey! They're good movies.”

“Good for a nap,” Sam let out a laugh.

You watched Bucky pursed his lips and looked down at the floor, holding back a chuckle.

“They're entertaining,” you muttered with a frown.

Sam pointed at you, his eyebrows arched and his corners raised in a playful grin.

“Well, that's it,” Bucky interrupted whatever Sam was going to say, “You know what they say, to each his own.”

“I'm with Barnes on this one,” Tony spoke up, resting one of his hands on Barnes' shoulder and giving it a little squeeze. Bucky watched his hand and then the millionaire's face with an arched eyebrow, but Tony quickly turned his attention away from Bucky to Sam, “Speaking of Steve, he asked me to tell you to look for him in the main room. He said something about a pending conversation.”

Tony put his arm around Sam's shoulders, leaning part of his body to lead him to walk with him out of the cafeteria. They promptly struck up a conversation on their way out of the cafeteria, and you felt your hands shake once you realized you were alone with Bucky after a couple of weeks of not being able to talk properly with him.

You turned your head away from where the two people who had accompanied you a few seconds before were leaving, hearing the creak of a chair being dragged in front of you. You watched Bucky move his body into a sitting position, settling his forearms on the table and his eyes fixed on yours. Settling into the chair, you gave him a tight-lipped, tense smile. Act normal.

“So the boss finally gave in,” the black-haired man said, his lips curling as he interlocked his hands.

You nodded your head slightly, “It was quicker than I thought. I thought he'd never let me back in the field.”

“And can you blame him? You sure scared the soul out of his body,” Bucky arched his eyebrows, and the mere memory of what happened gave you a feeling of irritability.

You grimaced, “Oh, it wasn't a big deal.”

“It wasn't a big deal? Honey, you threw yourself at those people all by yourself.”

You stared at him for a few seconds, like you did every time he called you names when you were alone. He never did it in public, and it was something you didn't try to think about very often.

“So what? This was all unnecessarily dramatic,” you tried to say in the most neutral tone of voice possible as you crossed your legs under the table.

“There were twenty men,” he said, as if that explained everything.

“Do you think me incapable, Barnes?” you arched an eyebrow, speaking with courage.

“No, of course not,” he quickly replied, his gaze softening, “But you disobeyed a direct order from Natasha and put your life at risk. You know how Fury is with you, he cares too much about you.”

You rolled your eyes, letting your back fall against the back of the chair, “But I'm not made of porcelain. I'm as good as Nat, she trained me herself!”

“But Fury didn't see her grow up.”

Well, he had a point and rightly so. You had grown up with the boss, who had practically adopted you, which was one of the reasons he used to be overprotective or refuse you to do some things because he thought it was for the best. And that fact had also helped you form fraternal bonds with all the Avengers until you were old enough and capable enough to be a part of them.

Well, you saw everyone as a nice family except Bucky. And that was a big problem.

You watched him through your eyelashes with an almost imperceptible pout.

Bucky gave you a beautiful smile, the kind that could light up an entire city, “Honey, I understand that it bothers you, but the position you put Fury in at the time, or everyone for that matter, made it hard for him not to make the decision he did. Maybe he overstepped, I'm not denying that, but he was scared.”

“There were other ways...” you started to renege again.

“And would you really have listened to him?” he inquired without wiping away his smile. It amazed you how lenient he could be with you, when with the rest of the world he was a hermit and sulky most of the time.

You sighed. Yep, you could be pretty stubborn when you put your mind to it.

“Well, the important thing is that he finally realised his mistake,” you blurted out with an amused grin. Bucky frowned and pointed the index finger of his metal arm at you.

“I think you missed the point of our little debate.”

“No, no... I understand, Bucky, I do. But Fury have to trust my skills a little more. I could against all of them! It was a spectacle.”

“But you're not always going to come out on top, sweetheart. At some point someone can catch you off guard, and that's what Fury's afraid of.”

“Well, it'll have to happen at some point. Unfortunately, I'm not invincible,” you agreed and admitted what he had said, because he was certainly right, with a tight-lipped smile.

You thought Bucky would be amused, or at least agree with you, but he merely bowed his head, frowned and tensed noticeably. You noticed that his expression suddenly hardened, and it frightened you that you had said something that would have angered him.

“What?” you asked fearfully.

He looked up from the table to look at you again, waking up. He gave you a smile, but a stiffer, harder and committed one. Your chest tightened, “It's not.... It's nothing. Just try to be careful next time, more cautious if necessary. You know, strategist.”

“Yeah, I know, I don't risk it if I don't think it's necessary.”

“That's my girl.”

You froze for a few seconds, just watching him, before your face heated up into an all too violent blush. He'd never said anything like that to you before... but you certainly didn't balk at the possibility that he might again.

“Thank you, Bucky,” you smiled shyly at him.

The sound of the cafeteria doors swinging open distracted the man in front of you, but you kept staring at his profile, gawking and surely with heart-shaped eyes. How was it possible that you liked him so much? Even though it had been a while since you last spoke, it seemed that your feelings for him had only grown three times his size.

Then, you heard it:

“Bucky!”

A woman's voice in the distance.

Confused, you turned your gaze in the direction of the voice, which came from the same place Bucky had been watching for several seconds. She was the one who had opened the doors so frantically, then. You frowned at her from a distance, unable to recognise her figure or features; it wasn't usually easy for you to forget the faces of people you knew, and you certainly didn't know this woman.

However, when you turned to ask Bucky, the half-smile on his face gave you the answer without words. Your chest tightened and you clenched your hands so as not to show the abrupt change of mood you had just gone through when he turned his face and fixed his eyes on yours. All without erasing that smile.

That smile he had on his face for her.

“I guess you'll have to go with Steve to schedule everything about the mission.”

You nodded, uncomfortably, not looking away.

“Fine. In the meantime, I'll go on my date,” he crooned, and the burning you felt intensified so much that it felt like you couldn't pass saliva without straining. But you smiled at him, your lips curving awkwardly and your face reluctant to show a feeling you didn't experience.

“Wow, I thought I'd never hear you say something like that.”

“Life is full of surprises, honey,” he said smiling as he stood up, “Do you want me to walk you to the living room?”

“No, don't worry. I'll be there in a minute,” you replied quickly. It was the first time since you had met him that you wanted him to leave you alone for once.

“All right. Good luck with the old man.”

“Thanks. Good luck with your- your- your date.”

You hated the way your voice betrayed you, but Bucky didn't seem to pay too much attention to it as he waved goodbye to you and started walking in the direction of the woman waiting for him outside the cafeteria doors. You felt your chest tighten as you sighed deeply and a couple of tears welled up in your eyes.

Damn it, at what point had all that happened?

[a-moth-to-the-light]

Fruits Basket Diaries, #5: Why Is Tohru A Saint?

[see part 1 here]

[see part 4 here]

This is part of an ongoing series where I’ll be cataloguing my experience rereading (and finishing for the first time) the Fruits Basket manga. I’ve just finished reading up to the end of the manga, so there will be spoilers for the whole story!

Especially at the beginning of the series, Fruits Basket delights in making fun of its central character. Tohru, a hardworking teen who is desperate not to inconvenience anyone around her, is often visually portrayed in an unnecessarily dramatic manner, staged like an old painting of a martyr or a saint. Set against allusions to countless old stories of innocent, holy sacrificial lambs, Tohru's dedication to always being self-reliant and never expressing negativity just comes off as silly. She isn't bravely, peacefully facing an inevitable death on the gallows like those the artwork sarcastically compares her to--she's just stubbornly refusing to acknowledge the loving people around her.

Tohru's need to always be accommodating and convenient, to ask nothing of those around her, is poked & prodded at by the story as she faces the various struggles that come from being a teenager without a guardian, like finding a place to live and choosing someone to attend her parent-teacher conference, but the biggest challenge comes from Akito. Tohru is instinctively respectful of Akito, willing to accommodate his harsh methods, even as she finds herself repulsed by them. Halfway through the series, when Tohru has seen firsthand Akito's negative impact on the Zodiac members she cares for & has been threatened herself with the loss of her memory at his command, she is still accepting of the family's most damaging customs, still excited on Kyo's behalf when he is invited to join his family in visiting Akito at the annex.

Soon after, though, something finally changes when Tohru learns of Akito's paln to imprison the Zodiac members in the Sohma household for the rest of their lives. Despite Akito's aggressive appeals to her usual restraint & politeness (he tells her "don't butt in", a statement which rings painfully in Tohru's head long after the actual conversation), Tohru becomes resolved to work against him. She's learned of Yuki's dreams of living "outside", of Kyo's goal of inheriting the dojo, and she knows that Akito's plan stands in the way of what the two want. Though she deeply fears disrespecting the Sohma family's way of being, it hits her in this moment that Akito's disrespect of his family members is worse than anything she could do, and far too great to ignore.

After Tohru makes this realization, all hell breaks loose--Tohru starts to sneak around undercover and even breaks into the Sohma house, and then she gets into what is probably her first fight ever, and it's all AWESOME :) I love that, for all the story challenges Tohru earlier by forcing her to rely on others, and even does so later in her fight against Akito, at this pivotal moment it is understanding of the core of her politeness--a deep respect for the freedom of others--and allows her to make a big break in character that is still based on this value. Instead of rejecting herself, Tohru becomes more herself even while embracing more aggressive actions, I think.

Later, when we learn about Tohru's parents from Kyo's perspective, I think it's easier to understand where this storyline about Tohru unlearning the obsessive, unproductive standards she holds herself to comes from. Before Kyo shares what he knows, Tohru's father, Katsuya, is only described to us as very polite & as the source of Tohru's manners, which becomes really funny when we meet him in Kyo's story--Katsuya is someone who delights in annoying others and could not care less about what those around him find convenient, a far cry from Tohru's mindset. Sure, he's polite, but only as a thin veil over his general disdain for others so that he can look good and get what he wants.

In the same way, the Kyoko who Tohru introduces us to is a goddess, ever-loving and positive about her life. Though Tohru discusses her mother's prior gang involvement, it's always played off as a joke and limited to abstract references. Kyo, in contrast, tells us everything--I think because he, unlike Tohru, sees Kyoko as simply a human. In the scenes where Kyoko and Kyo talk, it seems like she treats him as a confidante, the same way she might treat an adult friend--it's quite strange, and it reminded me that, after Katsuya's death, Kyoko lost half of her former social circle of two. Rejected by her family and the majority of her husband's family, ostracized by her peers because of her reputation as a gang member, and perhaps not particularly good with social skills anyway, given her often-avoidant communication, Kyoko is left venting to Kyo, a kid who might not even be in elementary school at this point and who doesn't fully understand what she's saying. Through the introduction of Kyo's perspective, I realized that yeah, Kyoko is a little strange--though she truly does seem satisfied, her life is far from perfect. Her love for Tohru and seemingly endless energy are strong, but they probably aren't everything she needs, either.

Tohru is a combination of the idolized versions of both of her parents, well-mannered in a way that is rooted in legitimate affection. It's no wonder that she struggles to keep up with the standards she has for herself--they're modeled after perfect people who exist, and existed, only in Tohru's mind. I love how Tohru starts to break from this perfection, becoming generally burdensome (in perfectly acceptable, human ways!) while maintaining her core value of respect for others--instead of trying to be her parents, with no consideration for her own self as she acts out their idealized personas, Tohru becomes a person inspired by her parents, able to respond to the unique challenges of her own life in far more effective ways, and with much less anxiety.

From Fruits Basket's beginning to its end, Tohru is seen as extraordinarily loving. Even as she treats her own ideas and opinions with more and more importance when it comes to making her decisions, this perception from those around her never changes. As she becomes healthier, she doesn't have to become less loving--she just becomes more real, and I think that's beautiful :)

[okeydrama]

every drama i’ve seen so far pt.3

record of youth

4/5

so beautiful & aesthetically pleasing

very lighthearted, like a slice of life more than a melodrama

Park Bo Gum <3

both male leads are super cute, I liked how they were both just nice

subverts a lot of traditional drama tropes, it didn’t feel as predictable as other dramas

there was a lot of cute scenes between the leads that made the romance very believable

it was easy to watch until the end, I didn’t really lose interest very often

the leads and most of the side characters were very flushed out in their motivations, dreams and purposes

it’s just so cute

I took a star off because of a few unnecessary scenes, plots and twists but they were not that bad

weightlifting fairy Kim Bok-joo

5/5

wow wow wow

this is one of the most iconic dramas i’ve ever seen

this is a friends to lovers drama which is not something we see often

the leads have so much chemistry and it makes sense that they dated in real life

the female lead is not traditionally feminine and it is so refreshing

the male lead is also not traditionally masculine and it makes him really likeable

the drama itself is hilarious and has many quotable sayings

the characters in this drama also have really flushed out motivations

the found family is iconic

the pacing of this drama was well done

the love triangle was interesting because you don’t necessarily root for her with the second lead but it is realistic portrayal of a teen girl’s coming of age

i just loved all aspects of this drama

true beauty

5/5

another one of my FAV dramas of all time

i was very hesitant about this drama because of the premise and not absolutely loving the webtoon but i gave it a chance and i absolutely don’t regret it

the pacing, energy, tone and aesthetics of this drama were not only consistent but were SO incredible

i had heavy second lead syndrome the entire time but unlike usual, i still loved the main lead and was fully invested in both leads scenes with the female lead

besides the main leads, the side characters were just as incredible

the secondary romance with the female lead’s sister was so cute!!! i genuinely watch an entire drama of just their romance

the female lead’s brother’s romance was engaging as well

unexpectedly, i cried because of this drama which, trust me, i never do and it was because of the incredible representation of mother daughter relationships

the message of this drama was misrepresented in my opinion and is much better than its portrayal

my only complaints are that the horror comic aspect of this drama should have been played up and that the bullying and addressing of bullying could have been touched on more or at least better

love alarm S2

2/5

this was very much a waste of my time

i think i’ve outgrown this story honestly because i was not at all invested in this season

basically, i love that she didn’t end up with the first season’s main lead, i think the person she ended up with was more suited to her and will treat her better

i also liked the maturity of this season compared to the last

the last thing liked was the sweetness of the romance

that being said, this is was mind bogglingly boring to me

the side plots and messages were unnecessary and took up too much airtime

the romance was also unnecessarily drawn out

the tone of this season was completely different than the last and it was a negative change in my opinion

the slow pace, drama and characters were not engaging

this was extremely dramatic and whimsical and it didn’t work for me in this story

yeah... just generally not a fav

reply 1988

5/5

THIS IS IT THIS IS IT THIS IS IT

i have never ever seen anything like this

this is the perfect show, like absolutely perfect

the depictions of familial, platonic and romantic relationships was PERFECT

the nostalgic vibe of this setting was incredible

the settings, wardrobes, objects and events were so well done

never has a show so perfectly invested me in every single character’s story while having so many characters

when i tell you i watched this entire thing in 2 days despite its length, i am not joking

i could not look away or think about anything else for the entirety of watching it and for a week after

there is an element of mystery with who the female lead ands up with and i was personally VERY happy with the result

another drama that i cried watching MULTIPLE times

the representation of different families, romances and personalities was incredible

there were so many scenes that were placed in that were not related to the plot and that was perfect because it was like we were watching their daily lives and interactions and made the watcher love the characters so much more

it is such a sweet, low stakes watch and such a slice of life story

some of my favorite plots: the father daughter relationship, the single-father son relationship, the single-mother son relationship, the protest storyline, the smart-mean-girl nice-good-boy love story, the moments over time create love, the first crush story, the working-mom son relationship, the found family group, the not knowing what the future holds and SO MANY MORE

reply 1997

5/5

i obviously had to watch another show in the reply series

i also LOVED this one

this was more focused on just the kids in the families rather than the families as a whole

the romances were so cute in this drama, and there were more romantic scenes compared to 1988, which i loved

the stan culture depiction in this drama was so interesting and fun to watch

i can’t express how much i loved that she was a kpop stan like it was so entertaining

this felt like a really good depiction of high school and how high schoolers are

i loved the vide of this drama too, the high school and concert setting were very immersive and comforting

the main lead’s romance was SO cute and i fully developed a crush on the male lead

it really felt like i was in 1997 Korea and it was so nice

the gay character representation!!!!! like this is HUGE for a kdrama and especially one set in 2012

I LOVED the female lead, she was so cool

the characters’ growths were so good and well done just wow

i will say that 1988 was better because of the elevation of the familial bonds and the general plot connections but the romances of this one were a lot more developed simply because there were so many scenes

they tried to do a mystery ‘who does the female lead end up with’ but it was very predictable compared to in 1988

hands down another favorite of mine

love in the moonlight

3.5/5

this was a hard one to rate

the romance for me is a 5/5 but the rating went down for a lot of reasons

firstly, i’m a huge fan of sageuk and this drama was a perfect one

Park Bo Gum <3

i think the leads ahead a lot of chemistry

i loved the side characters a lot, and especially the female lead’s friendships with them

the settings and aesthetics were A1

the banter was great

the plot was great and believable

the reason i had to lower my rating comes down to few minor issues that compiled so much that it hindered my enjoyment

the first issue i had is that here were SO many third act conflicts like waaaayy too many

the characters got together way too early so you can tell the writers created a bunch of issues to keep them apart and it could have been avoided if they hadn’t done that

the plot started imposing too much on the main storyline towards the end and i didn’t love that

the second lead was good compared to how they’re usually written so it was extremely bothersome that the love triangle wasn’t made believable, not once did i believe the female lead had any romantic feelings toward him

just generally the individual aspects of this drama were very good but when combined it was all over the place and not cohesive

anyway that’s the update, if anyone has any recommendations for me, please let me know. thanks for reading!

[caffeinatedseri]

The Strength of Selfishness

Each character in BSD has a degree of selfishness or selflessness in themselves, but the way this concept is executed opens discussion on the nuance of “selfishness,” or specifically the flaws in believing selfishness is an inherently bad trait.

Atsushi

Atsushi fits the description of selflessness, but I’d argue that he’s actually more selfish than he thinks he is (keeping in mind that being selfish isn’t necessarily a bad thing).

Akutagawa points out how Atsushi will needlessly risk his life in order to protect others, which sounds like a pretty heroic act, but it comes with a cost. Atsushi isn’t invincible, especially at this point in the story when he hasn’t fully mastered his ability, but his insistence on protecting others puts him in constant danger.

At the end of the day, Atsushi would have a greater chance of surviving many of the dangerous situations he puts himself into if he was more selfish by protecting himself before others.

However, Atsushi is also somewhat selfish in his motivations for acting so virtuously. 

Once again, Akutagawa points out how Atsushi only acts this way because of his deeply rooted belief that he has to risk his life for someone else in order to give his life value. You could argue that Atsushi only saves others as an attempt to prove to himself that he’s worthy, an inherently selfish motive. If Atsushi actually died, he would be endangering the people he could save in the future.

Selfishness also includes self-centeredness. Particularly with Akutagawa, Atsushi’s tendency to focus solely on himself becomes especially noticeable. Atsushi constantly doubts himself and his strengths; he also ignores his privileges and the struggles of others, particularly when he can’t completely understand them — hence why he views Akutagawa so harshly but sees Kyouka and Lucy as people who need to be saved. 

Despite all of this, Atsushi still creates a positive impact in other people’s lives. His innately selfish motivation is what drives him to protect others, and he ultimately succeeds in doing that (case in point Kyouka and Lucy again). 

Akutagawa

Akutagawa is pretty similar to Atsushi in how his past led to his inevitably selfish motives, but his manifests in a different way. 

Akutagawa has to be selfish to protect himself, due to a mix of his past prior to joining the mafia and Dazai’s teachings that collectively reinforced the belief that if he’s weak, he can’t survive.

This results in Akutagawa taking other people’s lives, a direct contrast to how Atsushi saves others, in order to prove his worth as a strong individual that deserves to live. However, this sentiment narrowly crosses the line of hypocrisy when Akutagawa does the very same thing that he criticized Atsushi for: looking for value in his life through other people.

Akutagawa also unnecessarily risks his life in order to prove his strength, which is arguably more dangerous and selfish than what Atsushi does. 

When Akutagawa fights Hawthorne, he practically eggs on Hawthorne to kill him, or at the very least fight with the intent to kill. Akutagawa was also injured before entering this fight, so running away would’ve been all the more reasonable than continuing to fight.

Drawing another parallel to Atsushi, Akutagawa has that very same resolve of risking his life unnecessarily to prove his worth. 

It’s undeniable that Akutagawa has killed many people — which is arguably extremely selfish — and loss of life really isn’t something that I want to push as morally correct. However, I would like to push the idea of redemption: finding a way to escape this messy lifestyle. I sincerely doubt that the incessant cycle of killing is any good for Akutagawa, or that it’s the life that he wants to have. 

With Atsushi and Akutagawa, both of their character arcs will develop accordingly to this balance of selfishness and selflessness.

Ranpo

Ranpo is characterized in a slightly selfish way, but this mindset comes with good reason (relating to Ranpo’s past). 

When Atsushi was kidnapped, Ranpo places priority on protecting the agency. If he were to meddle with Atsushi’s problem, which was technically a personal issue, then the agency as an organization would be put at risk. This isn’t necessarily a “wrong” mindset, but it is self-centered.

Of course, this is one of many examples to showcase Ranpo’s arrogance, but his arrogance is actually a form of self-protection. 

“So his father knew, after all. He understood that Ranpo possessed an extraordinary gift. He knew his son had the special ability to observe, remember, and uncover the truth in the blink of an eye. That was why he sealed it away. He didn’t want Ranpo to go astray, to ever hurt others and make the world his enemy.  His father wanted Ranpo to learn virtue and what’s right just like any ordinary person until he had grown up with good judgment and knowledge.” —  LN 3, “The Untold Origins of the Detective Agency”

Before Ranpo met Fukuzawa, he was just a young, lost boy who didn’t recognize his extraordinary talents. His parents taught him to be modest to allow him to develop as a normal person, but he never truly understood who he was in comparison to other people because he was orphaned at a young age.

Thus, Ranpo had to embrace his superiority, in an albeit dramatic way, in order to accept the world and himself. If he believed that people weren’t as intelligent as him, then he wouldn’t have to hate himself for feeling like an outsider to a world he doesn’t understand. 

Similarly to Akutagawa, Ranpo’s selfishness isn’t born out of hatred or negligence for others, it’s simply a survivalist instinct. 

Dazai

Dazai’s case is a little trickier to define, but I feel that he’s changed a decent amount throughout the series. I’ve seen some people argue that Dazai only helps others because of Oda’s dying wish, which would make his motivations for doing so inherently selfish. This rings true for Dazai before becoming a part of the agency, but I’d say he’s changed a lot just from interacting with the other agency members.

Dazai’s shown to be capable of the selflessness that involves risking your life for others, but because he’s Dazai, he’s most likely never going to actually die (he has taken necessary precautions to make sure he doesn’t die like in Dead Apple). In this case, Dazai was willing to risk his life for intel from Fyodor, similar to how he got captured by the PM intentionally for intel on Atsushi.

What he says here is especially important: “Certainly, people are sinfully stupid. But what’s so wrong about that?” The Dazai that was once isolated from others, that lacked a sense of direction and purpose in life, has grown one step closer to finding that purpose.

It’s no secret that character to character relationships have a big impact on everyone in BSD, but it’s especially relevant for Dazai who’s growth comes from learning about human nature. He and Fyodor both share a level of super intelligence that ostracizes them from the rest of society, which consequently makes them incapable of understanding other people.

Dazai’s statement here just shows how he’s willing to look past people’s mistakes — yes, they may be sinful and/or stupid, but that’s just a part of human nature.

And in this case, he acts in a stupid way by risking his life for someone else. Yes, it may be stupid, but this selflessness is also a part of being human.

I’d also like to add that Dazai was somewhat selfish in leaving the PM so suddenly after Oda’s death. As an executive, he undoubtedly had some responsibilities to handle, and not to mention Chuuya who was dragged into the mafia because of him in the first place. However, leaving the mafia was ultimately better for his development, and you could argue that the PM is doing just fine with Mori remaining as the leader. Thus, Dazai is another example of how selfishness isn’t harmful in nature.

Mori

On the topic of Mori, he’s a character who outright acknowledges his selflessness as a necessity for the mafia’s advancement.

As I mentioned before, selflessness is a stereotypically heroic trait, but it’s flipped around in BSD. You see protagonists with greater selfish convictions than the antagonists, who live their life based on this idea of selflessness. 

Of course, just because Mori is an antagonist, this doesn’t mean that selflessness is an innately “evil” trait. In fact, this selflessness is how he grows his organization and gains respect from his subordinates. Mori’s selflessness is used for the benefit of everyone else in the PM (ignoring the obvious crimes that the mafia commits of course).

Oda

Oda is often seen as the role model example for a “good man,” in the world of BSD — which is true to a certain extent. We certainly know how he was selfless in a multitude of scenarios, from saving the orphans at the Dragon’s Head Conflict, to his resolve to not kill anyone, and his push for Dazai to leave the mafia. 

However, I’d like to discuss Oda’s selfishness. Oda was well-aware of Dazai’s issues during Dark Era, and he seemed like the only person who would understand Dazai at that level. Despite this, he still chose to die. 

“(Dazai) is just a child who’s too smart. Just a crying child who’s been left alone in the darkness, a world of nothingness far emptier than the world we can see.”

— LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

Oda is an idealist first and foremost; when reality fails to match his ideals, it becomes unbearable for him to continue living on. 

Oda was selfish in his conviction to die, because he knew he could’ve done more for Dazai, but he chose to leave him with a dying wish rather than staying with him to potentially fill that void of loneliness.

(I’d like to mention that Oda wasn’t wrong for his choice, because Dazai ended up on the right path in the end. It was simply an act of selfishness that ended for the better).

Kunikida

Kunikida is an idealist, much like Oda, but he also draws close to being a realist at certain moments.

Kunikida shares the same selfless resolve as Atsushi: to save everyone. His ideals seem unbreakable to the point where he would risk his life and succeed in the end no matter what, purely because he’s just that committed towards his goals.

This treads closely to Atsushi’s selfishness. In this case, for Kunikida, it’s somewhat a part of his self-fulfilling prophecy to make his ideals come true, but he acts selflessly because of these ideals that he believes in. 

An important thing to note here is Fyodor’s grin, because Fyodor — as an idealist — is well aware of the fact that the greater the ideals, the loftier these ideals become in reality. 

“By that very logic, then Miss Sasaki was not responsible for any of these recent events! She didn’t even want a world in which all criminals are rightly judged! She only— Tell me, Dazai! Was it right for her to die? Is this the ideal world I’ve sought for…”

— LN 1, “Osamu Dazai’s Entrance Exam”

At the end of the Azure Messenger Arc, Kunikida realizes the flaws in his ideals when he fails to uphold them. By trying to save both Rokuzou and Sasaki, he ended up losing the both of them. No matter how hard he tried to save them, there was no possible way for him to achieve the level of “justice” that he desired.

This teaches an incredibly valuable lesson to Kunikida that shifts his mindset towards a more selfish direction.

Kunikida’s experience leads him to teach Atsushi, another person strongly motivated by ideals, to not follow the same path as him. You could interpret this as a sign of Kunikida’s declining resolve, but I prefer to view it as another form of self-preservation.

Kunikida very well understands the pain that comes from not meeting his ideals, which could easily affect to Atsushi considering how difficult it would be to save Kyouka.

The scene in which Kunikida goes to save Atsushi parallels what Kunikida told him previously: “Your boat can only carry one person. If you let someone beyond salvation come aboard, you will only drown together.”

Notice how Kunikida is in a boat with plenty of space, but out of fear that his ideals won’t be upheld, he’ll lower them to an lesser standard. Instead of trying to save two people, he settles for one, despite the fact that he has the capacity for two. 

This instance is a moment of selfishness from Kunikida, an act of self-preservation to prevent the inevitable pain that comes with unmet ideals. 

However, Atsushi subverts his expectations by pushing himself to save Kyouka regardless of his sinking boat, because Atsushi’s own ideals motivate him to do so. Kunikida teaches Atsushi to be careful with the balance of selfishness and selflessness; Atsushi teaches Kunikida the beauty in being selfless.

[thetriggeredhappy]

yo whats good @engiespyweek this is a day late but like dont worry abt it

day 2: hurt / comfort

(warnings for injury, specifically from burns. takes place around Robots Time)

-

Back before the robots, they were expected to work regular hours. Normal days. Practically a nine-to-five, plus a couple of hours most days, but never too long after sundown—and unless they had a mission off-base, they’d get weekends off. It was the most organized war any of them had ever been a part of, to be honest. And it was taxing, sure, the pain and bloodshed, but at least according to Scout it still beat working in food service.

And it wasn’t even all that scary half the time—before the robots, the team was invincible in most senses of the word. It would take some extremely particular situations to kill them, situations they were rarely anywhere near. A doctor on staff, bars in town and a full liquor cabinet on base, a pay grade that few of them even dreamed of, it was a good place to be in their lives. They considered themselves lucky, most days.

But that was before the robots.

The sun was setting over wherever the hell they were. They were going on their second day here, which was usually about how long they spent in one place before they had to move again, following some fickle change of the wind to intercept the next few waves of automatons.

They were exhausted. They didn’t have breaks, truth be told, and only sometimes got to sleep—mostly on the drive to their next destination, sometimes woken up during the night by the distant metallic clanging that functioned as the trumpets of war. Modern era, and all.

Medic was truly running on his last legs. He half operated his infirmary out of the back of one of the trucks they used to transport their equipment, not seeing reason to bother unpacking most days. Soldier was in a tizzy himself, constantly checking and rechecking their supplies, inventory being the only job left out of the multitude he’d had on base before and therefore being one he did near-constantly, and his consensus seemed to be that they were running low on... well, everything. Raiding abandoned warehouses for ammunition and guns just wasn’t cutting it anymore. They’d started to send some of the mercs out hunting for scrap metal when they had the time, and the Engineer was left to work practically around the clock trying to feed it to dispensers and restock to have at least enough to be prepared for battle, and Heavy tended to take over when he absolutely needed to sleep.

But then there were the mercenaries who didn’t have much to do but sit and stew. Sniper mostly took to perching alone somewhere he could watch for the distant dust clouds kicked up by the tanks. Scout ran laps around the perimeter of wherever they were posted up, and on a couple of occasions the two of them were the only warning the team got before the robots showed up. Pyro fretted, for the most part, would sweep by the busy members of the team with something to eat and a supportive pat on the arm. But even then, it was obvious the rest were going stir-crazy. Wanted to help, to take some of the weight back, to help share the load if they could.

This was about the only way Spy could help.

Engineer was having trouble keeping his eyes open, but the fatigue fought against his need to eat the tin full of... something. Meat, some kind of sauce. Spy had cooked it, since they apparently had a stove squirreled away somewhere in this particular warehouse, rations, and the team needed something ‘real’ to eat by his measure. The Engineer managed to keep awake, keep shoveling food into his mouth. Distantly, he understood that it tasted very good, and it overcame the nausea he’d been increasingly plagued with ever since all of this started.

The food was one comfort. The warm weight of Spy leaned against his back was another, the man leaned against him as he ate. Outside there was a particularly vibrant sunset happening, that was a third one, the way the light poured through the window briefly driving away a sort of bone-deep paranoia about darkness. About fear. Apparently that was one reason his father always tried to work with the big garage door of the shop open—being in the sun from time to time was important for all types of health. Or, as Spy put it, he needed to get out of his terrible little machinery lair from time to time or else one day the team would find he’d begun transforming into some sort of mole man.

It made him laugh. He missed laughing, he realized.

Once he had some food in his system, some calm, some time to sit in a position other than bent over a drafting table—and, hell, maybe the sun helped too—he started feeling remarkably more like a human being, started relaxing in increments. Started noticing little things. Dust mites lingering in the last light up above their heads. Distant talking, the distinctive laugh of Demo, Soldier barking something in reply. The sound of Spy taking a pull from his cigarette, quiet enough that he’d only really hear it this close. Quiet motion, like fiddling almost, which struck him as odd. Spy wasn’t much for fiddling and fidgeting. Broad, sweeping, dramatic gestures, those he did every time he got a good excuse—but not fidgeting. It was enough to draw his head up from where it was hanging, casting eyes back over his shoulder.

Spy wasn’t looking at him, apparently focused. “What’re you up to, there?” he asked, suddenly made aware of how rough his throat was. Probably from the near-constant full-volume shouting followed by stretches of silence he got up to these days.

“Simple first aid,” Spy said entirely too casually. So casually, in fact, that it took the Engineer a few seconds to realize what he’d even said.

“What?” he asked, turning more fully to look at Spy, at which point he blanched.

Spy had shed his jacket and rolled his sleeves up neatly a short way past his elbows and taken off his gloves and watch, and appeared to be almost done cleaning up and bandaging his left arm, having not started yet on the right one. All up and down his visible skin, and in particular across his palms and wrist, there were a series of mild to severe burns, speckles of dark red and black patching up his forearms, and the Engineer could immediately identify them as being electrical burns, not heat ones.

“How the hell did that happen?” he asked, deeply startled.

A huff of a laugh from Spy. “Mon ami, I go onto the battlefield and am expected to attack mechanical men with a metal blade,” he said, a note of amusement in his voice. “Electrocution is par for the course, I’m afraid.”

“You really oughta... find some way around that,” the Engineer said carefully. “Rubber hilt, or...”

“Most often I can only even tell I’ve caused enough damage to take down any given robot when the shock happens,” Spy shrugged. “It is not terribly painful, especially compared to gunfire. They simply begin to stack up after a while.”

A careful nod from the Engineer, even if it didn’t quite sit right with him. “Want me to help treat those?” he asked, nodding at where Spy was clearly having a bit of difficulty with bandaging his wrist one-handed.

“Our medical supplies are being too regularly depleted even besides superfluous healing of minor injuries, and as much as I would appreciate a moment sat beside one of your dispensers, I’m afraid it would not be very much in the spirit of teamwork to accept your offer, Laborer. If the remainder of our dreary little group is not allowed to accost the dispenser unnecessarily, neither am I, oui?” Spy asked, tone light.

That was one thing he’d started to learn about Spy, especially as of late. Lying and stealing were things he was well acquainted with, but never for something he considered important. To get on other people’s nerves, to get information maybe, but not something important on a whim. Getting on everyone’s nerves was a different beast than intentionally sabotaging them.

“Well,” the Engineer said, still not quite feeling right about it all. “If not that, I can at least lend a hand with wrapping those up. I know a thing or two about getting shocked. Ain’t a fun predicament to be in.”

Only a moment’s hesitation before Spy shrugged, turning to face him, and the Engineer picked up the salve and bandaging and set to work.

This was more his element. Practical problems. Practical solutions. None of the overarching dread, the waiting for the next disaster, the not quite knowing what to do with himself in the miliseconds before the next chore, the next job, the next drive. Just wrapping a wound. Just fixing a problem.

Distantly, there was the sound of something clattering, Demo cheering. The sun was now out of view, and he heard the sound of lights buzzing to life across the area. The light was getting low, and cold was starting to settle into place, more than welcome after yet another sweltering desert day. The smell of hot metal and sweat faded with each breeze that passed through, leaving only the smell of chilly night air, fresh and welcome. By the time it got dim enough to start making him squint to see properly, and he started to wonder whether he should just push through or get a light from somewhere, he realized he was done.

But instead of a twitchiness, an itch to find something else, the urge to keep moving and to find the next thing he needed to work on, he just felt satisfied. Clean bandages, neat wrappings. A vast improvement over before. And when he looked up to see how Spy felt about it all, the man was smiling, just a little, just enough to see even in how dim the room was.

“...What’s the smirk about?” he asked, feeling a bit embarrassed, as if he was missing something.

“Nothing,” Spy said easily, “I suppose I’m just glad you seem to be feeling better.”

A pause, during which the Engineer realized Spy was right. The tension was gone, the ache in his head was fading into a simple weight, and the nausea had settled into nothingness, leaving him relaxed, steady. He blinked.

“Apologies if I’ve overstepped my boundaries,” Spy said after a few moments of that stunned silence, searching his face. “It’s just that for the last several weeks you’ve been stomping around with the third most sour expression I’ve ever seen on you, and it seemed as though nobody else was going to bother stepping in any time soon. I thought that perhaps food and fresh air and polite company may remedy things somewhat, and you seemed determined to only interact with us when you deem it productive.”

“You burned yourself just to get me to sit in one place for a while?” he asked, taken aback.

“Oh, no, non, these burns are truly fairly standard by now,” Spy waved off easily, carefully pulling back on his gloves and watch over the bandages, “I simply prefer to tend to them on my own, the majority of the time. Non, simply a convenient excuse to need your help.”

A pause. “Of all the ridiculous things,” he marveled, blinking at Spy.

In the darkness, he could only barely make out the way Spy’s mouth ticked up into a smirk, watching as he rolled his sleeves back down neatly and reached for his suit jacket. “Well, believe it or not, Laborer, I have been known to stoop to such lows as doing what you call ‘ridiculous things’,” he said, doing his jacket up in an easy motion in the same moment that he rose to his feet, “when I find them to be the only way I can possibly break through to ridiculous men.”

He only had time to sputter over the comment for a second before a gloved hand found his chin, tilting his head up just enough for Spy to lay a kiss soundly to either cheek, and only had time to sputter over that for a second before Spy was snickering and cloaking, a puff of smoke in his wake as he disappeared into the increasing night.

His face felt hot, and he felt that restless energy again, but for an entirely different reason than before, because he wasn’t positive, but he was fairly sure cheek kissing was the sort of thing you greeted someone with when you only meant it in a friendly sort of way, and his brain was far too scrambled to remember it properly just then.

Well. Now he had something to think about besides the robots, at least. Damn shame it couldn’t be a nice, neat, practical problem, but despite his best efforts, he really couldn’t find it in him to mind.

Oh, damn it all.

[thestupidhelmet]

What are the pros and cons of each season, excluding season 8 which we all know never happened?

This is a subjective opinion, of course, and it won't be a comprehensive list. That would take me too long. 😅

Season 1

Pros:

The American '70s milieu being part and parcel of the show's stories and characterization rather than being background element.

Eric and Donna's playful relationship and its development into romance.

Red being less of a hardass, his love for Eric being obvious despite Red's general toughness toward him, and Red's higher tolerance -- and even enjoyment -- of Eric's friends and Jackie.

The development of Jackie and Donna's friendship.

Hyde's complete characterization overhaul in "Prom Night' (1x19)

Kelso showing loyalty to Eric in "Grandma's Dead" (1x23) and other moments where he actually seems to be a friend to Eric and Hyde rather than solely a selfish, self-interested dillhole.

Kelso being a math and tech prodigy.

Jackie not being a stereotype "dumb cheerleader" but someone who cared about her studies, did homework on Saturday nights, and got As on her essays.

Laurie, in the first two-thirds of season 1, being depicted as smart academically, savvy socially, and not interested in Kelso at all. She was an overall more complex character until the writers used her as the show's main antagonist.

Fez being characterized as naive and trying to fit in with his American friends; he didn't know how far to push a joke and often pushed it too far in an attempt to acclimate to a new culture. Because of this, he said some disturbing things, but he came by them innocently. It wasn't due to being a boundary-invading perv (as he later became).

Fez's insight and friendship with Hyde.

Red and Kitty being in love and continuing to have the hots for each other -- and only each other. Goes against the cliched TV longtime-marriage that's lost its passion.

Cons:

Hyde's characterization before "Prom Night" (1x19) / His very problematic and disturbing pursuit of Donna romantically / sexually.

The major character shift in Laurie as a mischief maker and sower of chaos, screwing up other people's relationships for her own amusement and pleasure.

The episode order being shuffled by Fox and the premature time jump to 1977, which confused the true story arc of season 1.

"A New Hope" (1x20) being the original season 1 finale, leaving Eric and Donna's relationship uncertain. A huge conflict occurs between them in this episode, intended to the cliffhanger for the audience to ponder over the summer -- are Eric and Donna breaking up? -- which is promptly forgotten as if it never happened in the episodes that followed.

The mixed messages of "Eric's Buddy" (1x11). It's a combo of "Gay is okay!" and "Gay panic for laughs!"

Season 2

Pros:

The storytelling, in general, is very on point. It puts character (and character development) first and lets plot and humor arise naturally from it.

The character development (e.g., Red being out of work and Kitty supporting him emotionally and family financially, Hyde becoming compassionate toward and protective of Jackie, Eric and Donna working through their relationship issues and growing from them, etc.)

This is my favorite season of the series, and the two above points, I believe, cover all the pros (again, if were to make a comprehensive list, it would be way too long)

Cons:

Kelso's characterization shift. He goes from being a semi-louse who has (some) loyalty to other people to a full-on, selfish, self-entitled dillhole.

Laurie essentially raping Kelso.

Fez's Nice Guy syndrome toward Jackie

The American '70s milieu fading into the background

Red losing a good portion of his softness; becoming a less balanced character

Season 3

Pros:

More good storytelling and character / character-relationship development. Even if that development isn't always pleasant, it's organic.

Cons:

Jackie's invasion of Hyde's boundaries played for laughs (even though Donna does call her on it, which is a pro).

The show not acknowledging (through Jackie, Hyde, and other characters) the huge arc between Jackie and Hyde during season 2 and the first third of season 3 -- with the exception of "Ice Shack" (3x10), as if it never happened.

Kelso invading Donna's boundaries in "Roller Disco" (3x05)

Season 4

Pros:

The good storytelling and character / character-relationship development continues -- but not for the whole season.

Fez's characterization and relationship with Rhonda.

The unintentional but never-the-less present moments of bonding and closeness between Jackie and Hyde.

Bob and Joanne's relationship

Cons:

The destruction of Fez's character at the end of the season.

Kelso's growth of the end of S3 and first half of S4 being erased and replaced by an even worse version of Kelso.

One of the main reasons Donna and Eric breakup at the end of S3 is so she can experience independence; but she jumps deeply into a monogamous relationship (on her end) with Casey Kelso halfway into the season.

Jackie and Hyde's S2-S3 relationship dynamic getting no acknowledgment; their relationship getting no direct, obvious development at all.

Season 5

Pros:

Eric and Donna reconcile romantically.

Jackie and Hyde's romantic relationship begins.

Many good episodes (but not all).

Kitty getting a story arc focused on her.

Laurie's character development.

Cons:

Eric and Donna not dealing with what broke them up. Eric saying, "Forget about all that stuff," is the writers' way of saying that to the audience so they could move onto the engagement storyline. It's not good storytelling. At least one episode (if not more) were needed for Eric and Donna to deal with their issues from season 3.

Jackie and Hyde's romantic relationship being disconnected completely from their S2-S3 relationship.

A somewhat pathological passive-aggressiveness being added to Hyde's character

Hyde's character being manipulated to serve plot and create the cliffhanger at the end of season 5. The writers were aware this is what they were doing and acknowledged it through an exchange Hyde has with Roy before Hyde chooses not to confront Jackie and learn -- which is what he actually would have done -- and, instead, "retaliates" for the perceived injury Jackie gave him, which also serves as his passive-aggressive way to break up with her.

Hyde putting his fear of losing Jackie above Jackie's pain and feelings of betrayal once he admits his transgression with the nurse.

Hyde acting like Jackie pitting him and Kelso against each other for one night in a competition for her affection is equal to the injury he causes her by sleeping with someone else (out of insecure assumptions, a lack of trust, and an unwillingness to give Jackie the benefit of the doubt).

Fez's behavior growing more and more disturbing (e.g., hiding under Donna's bed to masturbate while Donna and Jackie sleep).

The beginning of the end of Red's true and consistent characterization, toward Kitty specifically. The start of him becoming a cliched, put-upon sitcom husband, whose wife is a cause of misery more often than joy.

Season 6

Pros:

Some very well-written, well-characterized episodes (particularly for Jackie/Hyde and Brooke/Kelso).

Kelso's character growth and story arc with Brooke.

Cons:

Kitty becoming a certified alcoholic.

Red continuing his downward spiral into a cliched, put-upon sitcom husband.

Hyde's transgression against Jackie in season 5 never being mentioned. Hyde acts like the injured party in the first few episodes of season 6, and the show writes his and Jackie's issues as if they're both equally to blame when Hyde is the one who bears one-hundred percent of the responsibility for their breakup.

No true development between Donna and Eric. Their storylines are rehashed from earlier seasons.

Eric and Donna unnecessarily setting a wedding date instead of remaining engaged, only for neither of them actually feeling ready to get married by the end of the season.

The show's first filler episode "Young Man Blues" (6x09), which does nothing to further the overall plot of season 6 or develop the characters.

The total mishandling of Pam Burkhart's storyline. This includes Hyde acting completely contrary to how seasons 1-5 Hyde would have (i.e. being pissed at Pam on Jackie's behalf, wanting to support her rather than feeling it's a burden, feeling protective of her, etc.) It also includes Jackie and Donna's potential for friendship development due to their shared parental situation being wasted.

Fez's continuing to devovle into a punchline, a punchline-giver, and someone who commits inappropriate behavior toward his female friends.

Laurie's recast causing the writers to scrap the originally intended storyline for her as an individual (i.e. continued character growth) and for her and Fez's relationship.

Season 7

Pros:

A few funny episodes.

A few decently-characterized episodes.

The introduction of W.B. and Angie.

Cons:

Red changing from someone utterly devoted to Kitty, feeling romantic and sexual passion only for her, to someone who not only finds other women attractive but seeks out their attention -- and generally (though not always) acts like being married to Kitty is a hardship instead of a blessing.

Wasting the potential of W.B. and Angie's characters. Focusing on Angie's relationship with Kelso rather than with Hyde. Not exploring Hyde and W.B.'s relationship deeply.

Jackie and Hyde's unnecessary breakups. They're caused by a rehashed conflict that was resolved in "Do You Think Its Alright (6x18)" and were likely meant to lead up to a "dramatic" series finale outcome where Hyde finally fully commits to Jackie by proposing to her.

Separating Eric from Hyde, Kelso, and Fez is many storylines and keeping most of his storylines between him, Donna, and his parents.

Fez remaining stagnant as a character.

Most of Kelso's growth being -- yet again -- erased.

Brooke and Betsy's absence.

Another post of mine you might find interesting is: What I Think Is Each Character’s Best Season of the Series (Exclusding Season 8), Character-Wise and Why.

[rein-ette]

Engport HC Series: Part 1a/?

oh my god ok so i just realized after @mr-nauseam liked my post (thank you) that i actually began writing iacta alea est to fulfill the "narrative of engport" request but i got so caught up trying to go all the way back to the beginning that i ended up planning a whole fic thats 99.99% about Other Things and only 0.01% actual engport and then promptly forgot who i wrote it for adsjcnlksjcelckjl i'm so sorry

As an apology here's some actual engport hcs about the beginning of their relationship, focused mostly on the feels rather than the specific historical events because that's usually how I think about character relationships (that is, i think about some aspect of a relationship that i want to explore, then choose an appropriate historical setting which reveals that aspect).

Headcanons Ahoy

So the major question I keep asking myself with engport, especially when I think about how they first met, is Why them? Why do these two kids click when they meet, and what draws them back to each other? I set Arthur and Ports meeting as the Seige of Lisbon in my timeline thing because i just think crusade + seige is such a dramatic setting fit for two Drama Queens ™ , but the 12th century is not favourable for budding relationships between two young nations that aren't even neighbours — how the hell would they have ever seen each other again? This isn't a "I found an italian in a crate and now after being forced to endure his presence for 10230482358 hours i think i'm gay for him" situation; history pretty much provided one shot for England and Port to make it work — if hadn't met and gone, "that's him, this is the one", then they wouldn't have seen each other again for centuries.

I think this holds true even if you change the setting and timing of their first meeting as well. Sure, the Anglo-Portuguese alliance is the longest ongoing alliance in history, but if we're being completely objective Port and England weren't each other's most important foreign relationship, like, ever. For Port that would probably have been Spain, and for England France or his brothers. So even after their alliance, why would they ever be more than passing friends? Pretty much what I'm trying to say is that the foundation of Arthur and Port's relationship was personal attraction, not proximity or chance; something in the time before they met each other prepared them to need each other, so that once they did meet they wouldn't let go.

That's why I went down the whole rabbit hole of the Roman Empire, because I think losing his mother and his time under Rome were formative experiences for Port, which changed him in a way that made him uniquely receptive (or should I say susceptible) to all of young Arthur's charms. Since humans have their earliest describable memories when their about 6 or 7, being torn away from his mother in a brutal war would have been one of Port's first clear memories. The ensueing years were no easier on him, as he (which i willl explore in the fic) and his brother were trained brutally before joining the Roman army. These are the years where Port learned discipline as a coping mechanism, as opposed to Toni who learned to obey. These might seem similar, but by discipline I mean forcing himself to carry out (often unnecessarily harsh) acts or measures, and seeking out unnecessarily dangerous experiences himself in order to release some of the tension inside. These are, of course, behaviours that Port continues to display even as an adult. In contrast Toni's obedience is more about wiping his mind and obeying like a toy soldier — if you have no choice anyways, why think and make yourself suffer?

Hence when he met Arthur, in the 12th century, Portugal was a somewhat subdued child of about twelve already disillusioned with much of the world and harbouring a hatred that he himself did not completely recognize or know where to direct. In fact, he was probably more disillusioned and suspicious than he is now, though he hid it under a mask of silence and cold, feigned disinterest. Of course, not all this has to do with Port's circumstances — its pretty contrived to attribute all of a character's bad traits to a "traumatic childhood", and in many instances Port simply acted and felt the way he did because he was a child who growing up in turbulent times did not yet know how to manage his anger, fear, or frustration.

But what does all this have to do with Arthur? Well, I think Arthur would have had (and still has) just the right type of personality to cut through all of this bullshit. Whereas Portugal wraps layer after layer of his grievances and unexamined feelings around himself, Arthur personality is like a firebrand in the night — destructive when handled incorrectly, but fierce and enthralling. As a child, Arthur wore his emotions not just on his sleeve but around him like a colour-changing flame; especially for someone as perceptive as Port it was just so incredibly obvious and fresh, so different from the scheming adults Port grew up with and Port's own tendency to shove everything inside and let it stew till it turned into toxic waste or something.

(if this is somewhat different from their current personalities, its because — obviously — they changed as they grew older, but also because they adopted things from each other: Port became more spontaneous, relaxed, generous with his emotions, whereas England became more introspective, pensive, learned to mislead and conceal)

anddddd this is longer than I thought so will do part 1b from england's perspective another day

[vampiresuns]

Portrait Of The Lawyer As A Young Man

3k words. All of Julianus’ life has been about fulfilling social expectations. Not any more.

Note: This fic contains some time changes. They’re all separated but they’re not linear. This pieces art is the cover of the centennial edition of James Joyce’s ‘Portrait of the Artist As A Young Man’.

CW: Superficial discussions of unhealthy family dynamics.

The song for this piece is Expectations by Belle & Sebastian. Saoirse, Meredith and the Crew of The Jagged Ruby belongs to @apprenticealec​.

Part 4 of Secrets Of An Ancient Moon series; you can read the rest of it here.

Dusk fell in the sky making the colours of the water change. Meredith whistled at Jules to get their attention, calling them aside. When they reached port again in four days, they’d reach Jules’ original destination, marking the end of their voyages in The Jagged Ruby. Julianus didn’t need Meredith to tell them this, they already knew: they had been counting the days obsessively, watching them slip by as they found a chance to speak to the Captain.

Meredith had found them first. It was now or never.

“Hopefully this,” Meredith said, raising the legal study Julianus had made for her a couple of months ago, “will help us with our Syd problem. I’m not going to pat you in the back, Sanlaurento, so just let me say this: you’ve got it in you, you’re a pain in my ass, I hope whoever opposes you in a court shit themselves. Now, leave.”

When Meredith looked back up, Jules was still there, looking at them with a frown and an intensity which the Captain had seen in them before, but never directed at them. Jules had been travelling with them for months. When they had manifested on the ship to become Meredith’s personal pest and unlikely legal advisor, the Quinquennial meeting was in the long term future still, they had time for it. Now, the meeting would happen in three months.

In all that time, Meredith had had time to watch them, even if they didn’t want to. She hated to admit it, but the asshole had guts. J.C. was clever, a fast learner, and seemed to know themselves well enough to anticipate their shortcomings. Analytical and strong-willed, in other circumstances they’d make an excellent addition to the crew.

They learnt the basics of sailing faster than Meredith had given them credit for, their basic knowledge of sword-fighting was getting honed by the week. They had never taken a shot against an actual person, but their aim had gotten notoriously better. Julianus got treats for the crew if you left them unsupervised, and somehow, always, found someone to help with legal advice, no matter were they were.

So yes, Meredith had seen that intensity before. She’d seen it when they put themselves between a vendor and a guard, suddenly carrying more presence and even a slight high-society touch to the way they conducted themselves. She’d seen it whenever they tried, again and again, to perfect something, never expecting to be handed anything. She’d seen it whenever they talked about Injustice, or the Sea Palace, or Freedom, or People.

It all shone through, even through the many flaws or annoyances Meredith saw in their character — anxious, irritable, high-horsed, mysterious for no damn reason.

“I said leave, why are you still here.”

“Meredith?”

The Captain raised an eyebrow. Sanlaurento never addressed her without an honorary.

“I didn’t remember us being friends— You smooch my quartermaster and…” Meredith stopped, a grimace overtaking her face. “This is about them, isn’t it. No, I’m not having a heart to heart about fucking Saoirse with you. Sanlaurento, I’m still your fucking Captain.”

“No, it’s not about Saoirse. It’s about me.”

“Right, because that’d make me care.”

J.C. frowned back at Meredith, trying to resist the urge to roll his eyes but failing to do so. “Even if they are a factor in my considerations. I’m well aware that if I talked to them, I could manage to see them anywhere and write to them even, given they write to Jacqui all the time.”

“If you’re going to talk anyway, at least do me the favour of going to the point, Sanlaurento.”

“Captain, I want to stay.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

The sky was clear in the island of Sirenia, a cool late winter evening as Sanlaurento walked around a patio in a black, formal attire, with a green jacket with golden buttons. 

“You’ll do great, stop worrying. You already did great in your dissertation.”

“But my dissertation was just me talking about International affairs.”

“One last viva, and you’ll be a lawyer.” 

Julianus exhaled. “You’re right, one last viva. This ends today.”

“Did someone Come with you?”

“No.”

Their friend snorted. “You didn’t tell anyone about today, didn’t you?”

Feigning disinterest so the conversation could end, they looked over some handwritten diagrams.

Julianus sighed. “Actually, this time I did.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

“Do I have to apply to the Sea Palace? I know I said I wanted to, but I don’t know any more.”

“Of course, Cleo,” their mother said, “it’s the best academic institution around, you might have a chance. You lose nothing by trying”

“They were weird though, you know? Off. Like, they give me a bad feeling.”

Their mother no longer sounded patient when she spoke: “You’re going to have to let go of turning down opportunities at every chance you don’t like everyone in front of you, or everyone in front of you doesn’t automatically think you’re brilliant. Besides, you insisted, and this is a matter about your education, your safety and your future. You’re applying.”

Julianus tensed, curling their toes inside their shoes, trying to ball them like they would their hands. They couldn’t ball them into fists right now, that’d give them away. If they gave themselves away, their mother’s reaction would be worse. “It’s not— that’s not—”

They exhaled, giving up. “You’re right, Mama.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

In their 27 years, Julianus had been called a lot of things.

Weird by their classmates, dense by their parents. Unnecessarily complicated, dramatic, attention seeking, stupid. All of them also by their parents who said things in annoyance and in anger without measuring any reaction, nor waiting for any explanation. Stupid, perhaps, was the funniest.

They never called them Julianus, only ‘Cleo’, too, to the point their mother often said they made a mistake in choosing their first name.

Their Cleo was a lot of things but never what they themself said they were. ‘Intelligence’ was arrogance, ‘mistakes’ stupidity, or worse, something unforgivable; a lack of consideration for everyone around them and the marking of their mother in their failure to raise a child who wanted to do anything with her. 

Too loud, too quiet, too stiff, too needy, too this, too that, too weird, too feminine, too masculine, too much.

Academic settings were different. One of the few places they had some control over themself. Yes, their classmates might’ve thought them closed off, weird and even a bit of a “lunatic” when they were growing up, but their classmates also knew they were passionate about defending what they loved, including their friends. A willing ear to listen, offering food, advice and comfort to whomever asked, without thinking too much about it. Quick to rile up but never one to deny help. Their teachers and professors always knew they tried, that they wanted to learn, that they wanted to go to further, deeper horizons. 

Their own self, learning and what they could do with that education was their constant ongoing project. Their poems and stories, a constant conversation with the world. Not self-centredness, not absent-mindedness.

Only twice they had been told in academic settings that they weren’t enough. One was in the Sea Palace. The scholars called them an histrionic, low-pedigree charming but insubstantial kid, with poorly honed magic and more enthusiasm than capacity. Others worked better, others could sit still for longer, others had more steady grades — not the valleys of those subjects which did not interest them, with good but unremarkable grading, versus the stellar records of those subjects which obsessed them needlessly. A nice attempt, but a definitive rejection. 

The other was in that last Viva Voce in Firent. It hadn’t gone terribly, they had passed, but with meagre first level honours in comparison to their full honours approved dissertation. They were expecting to do worse, that was true. They weren’t expecting to have three examiners who did not let them finish a single explanation, one even laughing at their face for asking for a question to be clarified. 

“If you keep this way, I doubt you will have it in you to be a good jurisconsult,” one of them had said.

Julianus had looked at them with icy, saccharine sweetness, eyes like daggers and making apologies they didn’t mean as they took their diploma. They left the room thinking what did they know? What did any of these people know about Julianus Cleopatra, who wasn’t born with the Surname Sanlaurento, but had chosen it anyway? Nothing. They knew nothing.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Julianus had never been in many places they belonged.

The night was clear as The Ruby made its way through the waters in the night.

“What about you?”

“Yeah, Jay, tell us a story. All you do is work, kid. Grab a glass! Cut yourself some slack from those books, lest your vision becomes worse.”

Julianus couldn’t see why not. With a bright smile on their face, they grabbed a glass of beer, before joining the Crew that was lounging around on the deck, enjoying the night. 

“Does it have to be something I’ve heard, or does it have to be an original?”

“Right! Saoirse did say you wrote.”

Julianus blinked. “Saoirse mentioned me?”

An echo of warm laughter rang between the crew. Someone patted their back. “You’ve got it bad for the Quartermaster, don’t you? But tell us your story.”

"My story?” They snorted. “Oh, you don’t want to listen to that.”

After taking a drink, they let their own play on words slide, and chose a story to tell. “You know how they say that those who are the most impertinent have the best chance. Well, this cabin boy risked it all for a venture in a ship from the northern seas, whose flag it was under was at war with an Empire. The cabin boy, well, we’ll call them boy, had been searching for a place to fulfil their ambitions, and saw in this ship the right chance. The kind of person who wished to be remarkable, and do what’s right

“So one day, the ship runs into an enemy ship. Goes the Captain and says: ‘If we fight them, this ship might be sunk and we might not live the night’. So goes the cabin boy, who had developed a fondness for this ship; the fondness one does when one loves a place, but the place does not love one back, and yet one clings to the nostalgia of the good things. The cabin boy did not realise this yet, so the cabin boy goes and says: ‘If I time it right, I could sink it.’

“Though often trifled with silencing commands, the cabin boy was intelligent and daring so the cabin boy repeated: ‘If I time it right I could sink it. Was this not why I trained all these years as a cabin boy?’ 

“The Captain said: ‘No, you are just a cabin boy’, but at the insistence of our protagonist, the Captain said: ‘If you destroy that ship, I will give you silver and likewise gold, here in this very sea, and I will give you my only daughter for you to marry, if you make a renowned Captain out of me—’”

The story was not a happy one. It was a story of betrayal and disappointed hopes. It finished with the cabin boy, who making himself one with the night, went to sink the enemy ship, under the very noses of the unsuspecting crew. Yet, when the cabin boy came back and demanded their acknowledgement, the Captain denied them. Though the cabin boy had no interest in claiming the bounty, the Captain had not expected them to live, but fearing the Cabin Boy would take the credit and disrupt the order of things, the Captain slew them, and the sea took them in. 

Someone gasped with indignation. “And no one aided the cabin boy?”

“No.”

“Did the Captain kill them then?”

“That’s for you to decide.” 

“So the cabin boy didn’t die? Or did they?”

“In a way. It’s less about physical death, though it can be about it.”

“Isn’t this the Raleigh story?”

“Of the Golden Vanity?” Said Sanlaurento with a smirk. “Perhaps, but everyone tells it differently.

“If you don’t make it as a law person, I say you become a writer.”

Julianus laughed. “Why not both?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

The last time Julianus Sanlaurento had seen their parents was when they sailed off to an apprenticeship. There had been no grand goodbyes, no heartfelt words. They had all fought around a week before, and J.C. was not yet forgiven. It was, perhaps, one of the biggest fights they had had with them, and the memory of it, along with the cold shoulder they were given would cling to them for some more time.

Nothing was worse than the hypocrisy, though. Or the pity. Too much to everyone around them, a brilliant child when they weren’t in the room.

Before they left, their father had pulled them aside to tell them they were brilliant, and that they were proud. Jules had wanted to say thank you, and just thank you, from the bottom of his heart, but they couldn’t, not after last week. Instead, they said:

“You always say that, until I’m brilliant in a way which neither of you like even if you still let me do it. You’ll hate this, but I don’t exist comfortably anywhere, and perhaps, I’ll never exist comfortably here.”

“That’s not our fault, Cleo.”

“It’s not about whose fault is it— it’s— you know what, Dad? Nevermind.”

Their only comfort was Maricus, whom they clung to at night when they were alone in their quarters, with only their things, their cat and an acceptance letter as they realised they were completely, and utterly alone. They were alone, that was true, but at least, they were themself and they had had enough.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Not wanting to try the Captain further after she dismissed them, Julianus retreated to the crew’s quarters. They sat against the wall nearest to their bed — if one could call a hammock a bed — picked up their notebook and began writing. They wanted to be left alone, so they buried their nose in their writing.

They didn’t expect seeing Saoirse when they looked up, leaning against a column as they watched them write. 

“Raleigh again?”

“No, I’m leaving the fictional man rest for a minute or two.”

“Meredith told me you were staying.” At this, Jules stopped writing. “Said you were on permanent crew member probation until you defended your case and your position in Ethari. Then, if she didn’t change her mind, she’ll make you try as a permanent member of the crew, if you also haven’t changed your mind about it.”

Saoirse snorted. “If I was told I’d meet a human like you a year ago, I would’ve thought the person telling me such was drunk.”

Julianus raised an eyebrow at them, wanting to ask what that was supposed to mean, but Saoirse’s eyes were full of tenderness when they met them.

“Meredith also told me you asked. Did you because of me?”

“No,” Jules said as they closed their notebook, standing up to stretch their legs. “I don’t want to part from you, that’s true, I care… a lot about you, and I hope you care about me just the same. I don’t want to stop seeing you everyday, and I don’t want to stop kissing you everyday, and I don’t want to stop learning from and about you. I haven’t mastered the language yet, and there’s more of the Code to study, there’s so many things I haven’t done yet, but it’s not about you, it’s about me.”

Saoirse watched them as silence fell between them, Julianus’ dark eyes looking everywhere but at them. When they did look back at Saoirse's ice-blue ones, their eyes were clouded with tears. “This isn’t quite it, either, but do you know what’s like feeling you’re unwanted everywhere? Because who you are has a big red ‘wrong’ sign attached to it?

“I just don’t want to go. I see, I can see a future here, and I think I’ve been in enough places where I have been unwanted, or wanted wrong, for me to deserve to have a shot at the future I say I want to have. Not the future I was supposed to have by whomever thinks knows me better than I know me.”

Out of all the reactions Saoirse could’ve had, J.C. wasn’t expecting them to stop leaning on their column, and open their arms for them. 

Their smile was just as tender as their eyes. “I know you enough to know that if I ask if you want a hug, you’ll say no, but in about five seconds you’ll change your mind.”

Jules’ half laughed, half sobbed. Unable to fight Saoirse’s logic they closed the distance between them, wrapping their arms around their waist, as they felt Saoirse’s arms sling under their arms to hold them close and safe between their arms. Like they were protecting them — from what? Neither of them knew; neither of them asked.

Instead, Jules was happy to bury their face against Saoirse’s chest, taking in the smell of them mixed with linen of their shirt. Saoirse’s cheek rested against the top of their head, only moving to plant a kiss there.

“Julie?” Saoirse said. “I know more about cages than you’d think.”

“I never said anything of—”

“You don’t have to say it for me to know. Before I was what I am now, I was in one, so to speak. Trapped, perhaps, is a better word. Cages all look different, but they all feel the same. There are no cages here, you deserve better than that.”

“I know, I know that now.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Only if you keep calling me ‘Julie’.”

“Were you never told not to make deals with strange Gods?” 

As they spoke, Saoirse brushed their lips against theirs, themselves an offering for Julianus to chase. Chase them they did, pressing their lips against Saoirse’s over and over again. 

“You’re not a strange God. Or rather, you’re not a stranger to me… You know? You don’t have to tell me what you were before, but I will say this: whomever decided to trap you, is or was a fucking coward.”

Saoirse laughed, the sound ringing around the room on its own accord. Soon enough, Jules found themself laughing too.

No, of course they didn’t want to go. 

[charlatron]

Willful Avoidance

Roman Hawke x Raleigh Samson

Not thank you to @schoute for sending me to rare-pair hell!

After reading [a series of one-shots] by @schoute & @pikapeppa featuring Scouty’s mysterious blood mage Roman Hawke and the once undesirable Raleigh Samson, I was immediately inspired to take the rare-pair out for a test drive (with Schoute’s permission of course).

1K of smut below the cut, or read it on [AO3]

Warning: NSFW!

“Stop looking at me,” Roman glowered at the ex-templar beneath her, nostrils flaring as she exhaled in annoyance. 

So what if she had shown up at his dank hovel of a home when he was sleeping, somewhat rudely waking him with her noisy undressing before climbing into bed with him - still didn’t give him any right to look at her like that.

Samson huffed, speaking in that same gravely tone that made everything he said sound so unnecessarily brooding. “Where would you prefer I look?”

“I don’t care, just stop fucking staring.” She placed a weighted palm on his cheek when he turned away, pressing one side of his face into the lumpy mattress so he couldn’t try to look at her again. Which he definitely would have; infuriating shit that he was.

Sweat dripped down her spine as she bounced vigorously on his cock, the nails of her free hand gauging painful crescents into his chest. Roman closed her eyes, ignoring Samson’s hiss of discomfort as it predictably morphed into a groan of sadistic pleasure and instead focusing on the mind-altering delirium that came from these increasingly frequent encounters. 

Stop overanalysing and just fucking fuck him she mentally berated herself when that obnoxious voice popped into her head again, taunting her with whispers of feelings and other such distasteful profanities.

She shook the unwelcome thoughts from her mind, decidedly abandoning her up and down undulations in favour of grinding up against him as she welcomed the pleasurable pain of his far-reaching cock. She loudly moaned when he tilted his pelvis, seating himself just that little bit deeper and finally her mind quieted.

Samson groaned in that throaty timbre that never failed to fan the flames of her desires, renewing her sense of purpose as she rode him mercilessly towards her peak. “Yes, yes, fuck!” She threw her head back and blasphemed to the heavens, the proficient roll of her hips devolving into stuttering shudders as she luxuriated in that depressingly fleeting sensation that so exquisitely tuned out the rest of the world.

She was in a state of blind euphoria as Samson flipped her on to her back, every nerve ending in her body singing a blissful tale of rapture as he hilted himself once more. Her petite breasts bounced wildly with the force of his thrusts, the unexpected scrape of his teeth on her nipple the thing that finally roused her back to consciousness.

The fucker was staring again, the weight of his all too familiar gaze a wholly unwelcome assault on her senses. More often than she cared to admit of late, whenever those haunting eyes locked on to her own she began to question the truth of this peculiar arrangement of theirs. Why she didn’t just use some random stranger to sate her desires instead of encouraging this… whatever it was. But since she had less than no desire to unravel that particular thread, she was happy to champion the willful avoidance method.

“Move.” Roman pushed on Samson’s chest until he sat back on his heels, quickly repositioning herself on her hands and knees so she didn’t have to acknowledge that unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach that accompanied his scrutinizing gaze; as though her unwelcome thoughts were an open and somewhat amusing book to him.

She cried out in surprise when he spanked her, the force of it no doubt leaving an angry red welt on her right buttcheek. “Mother fu - ahh!” she cried out again when he slammed his cock into her, hands fisting in his threadbare sheets as she tried to hold herself steady. 

Samson spanked her again, and again, and again until she had to bite down on her own arm to deny him the satisfaction of hearing her whimper. He pawed at her backside, kneading and squeezing the flesh as he sought his own release. His grip on her hips was insistent, fingers biting painfully into her sensitive skin as he pulled her to meet each hard thrust with a resounding slap of flesh on flesh until she fell forwards onto her chest, spine arching dramatically as she eagerly angled herself for deeper penetration. 

Roman slipped a hand between her thighs, slender fingers tending to that libidinous quiver that heralded a second coming as Samson’s hips hammered forcefully against her rear. She sped up when his rhythm began to falter, victoriously reaching her end with just seconds to spare before he pulled out and emptied his load on to the still burning skin of her abused derriere.

Samson fell on to his back beside her, draping an arm over his face as he attempted to catch his breath. His sweat-slicked chest glistened in the moonlight, the skin over his ribcage pulling taught with each deep breath. Clearly he was undernourished, no doubt choosing his precious dust over food if ever he couldn’t afford both. Should she try to slip him more coin? Was there a way to do so without making him think she cared? Chances were he’d simply blow it all on his addiction anyway.

Roman sat up straight, not at all discreetly wiping the now cold evidence of their frenzied coupling on his sheets. She reflexively flinched away from the featherlight brush of his fingertips against her shoulder blade, immediately vacating his uncomfortable bed to dress in strained silence. 

She stubbornly ignored the urge to look back at him, pulling open what barely passed as a front door before she’d even managed to get both arms in her sleeves, praying to whatever god might be listening that she be fast enough to outrun Samson’s almost guaranteed snark. 

Of course, she wasn’t.

“What, no goodbye kiss?” he mocked, sounding far too pleased with himself.

Smug fucking cunt she thought, casting him a scathing glance over her shoulder to find him comfortably reclining on one elbow. The sheets barely covered his softening cock and she had to dig her fingernails into her palms to repress that split second yearning for something… more. 

“Oh, fuck off,” she cantankerously rebuffed, further splintering his already fractured door as she slammed it shut behind her.

[bastillewolf]

Midnight In Sheffield (I)

Pairing: Alex Turner/Reader

Summary: When a soon-to-be-wedded insomniac author heads back home to visit her parents, she comes across the likes of a mysterious musician on her sleepless escapade in the AM.

Notes: Not sure if this is going to work out, but I’ve made the creative decision to write a series of Alex Turner fanfics, going down each album and all most likely lightly based off movies. Like the Grand Tranquility Hotel from the Grand Budapest Hotel, this one is based off Midnight In Paris. No need to have seen either movies to read these fics. It won’t take place around the same time, as Sheffield has been through some stuff in the early 1900s. I will keep it all a bit old-school themed, but just won’t name a specific era, so you can take your own spin on it. I’m not familiar with Sheffield at all, never been there, so I’ll keep locations vague and add the Paris theme a bit in there. Hope you tag along for the ride, and let’s have one for the road.

Let me know if you’d like to be added to the tag list!

Chapter I - AM

“I don’t see how this could be more important to you than meeting my parents,” she grumbled, her voice muffled by the pillow she had planted her face in. The sheets of the bed were soft and had a pristine white colour, much to her dismay. The entire hotel room was much too extravagant to her liking, but it was Mark who insisted on paying extra to make their stay most comfortable.

“Please don’t be difficult now, sweetheart,” her fiancée replied, as he set one of his neatly folded trousers in the dresser on the shelf next to where his ironed shirts hung. “You know how much it means to me to be able to see James and Rachel again after all these years. I’m sure your parents will understand. If not, I’ll beg for their forgiveness.” He dramatically bent down to his knee, as if to gallantly portray his apology, making her roll her eyes.

“That wouldn’t be the first thing you’d have to apologize for. First of all, you’re going to have to tell my dad why you didn’t ask for his permission to marry me-“

“You already said yes!”

She shot him a look. “And secondly, you’re going to have to explain to my mum why you didn’t want to stay at their home. I think she would’ve been very happy to play hostess to the man who’s going to marry her daughter in a few.”

He crawled on top of the bed, his curly brown hair hanging over his face as he hovered above her and kissed her forehead. “I’ll be sure to make up for it. Now, please get changed. We’re having lunch.”

“Please don’t tell me it’s going to be at that ritzy restaurant we went to last time. I’m still not over the way that waiter felt the need to explain everything to me like a five-year-old whilst pointing everything out with his little finger.”

“Well, you can’t speak French, darling. I think he tried his best at explaining the menu to you.”

Her eyes narrowed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. Just, please stop drooling on the pillow and put on something nice. For me?”

Seeing the convincing puppy look on his face, she gave in with a sigh and a very loud slurping noise as she lifted her head from the pillow, making Mark huff.

 Meeting with James and Rachel wasn’t the worst thing in the world, because she didn’t see them very often and they were overall nice people. At least, if you didn’t count every time James tried to be the smartass of the group by giving some random fact about anything and everything they came across, or if you ignored the way Rachel was evidently very flirty and touchy with Mark, or if you turned your head away every time the couple made those wretched kissing noises as they shared what should be an intimate moment.

What Mark had with Rachel was something she could never come between, something she also shared with many good friends of her own. They were the type who would always share that bond with you, no matter how long you hadn’t seen each other, and she could only be happy that Mark still had friends like that.

His work as a lawyer didn’t allow for him to make all that many mates, as most try to stab him in the back just to be able to get that promotion they wanted. He’d often come home with his head hung low after days like that, when loneliness took over the pride he had of his usually exhilarating job.

And thus, as she watched Rachel hug him extra tight, she kept her mouth shut. It was for the best, and it was only one afternoon she had to endure.

But she vowed to herself to not let it happen at her wedding. That was her day. Fuck Mark and fuck Rachel. She wasn’t going to be left alone dancing with James, who seemed to be known for having two left feet, by her own husband. But that was something she’d have to worry about in the future.

Her worries now were trying to translate a French menu without asking a waiter, deciding which fork to use, and refraining from telling James to shut up about the painting that hung behind him, of which he was giving an entirely unnecessarily intricate description.

“As you can see, the painter made sure the flag of the boat is standing diagonal to the man in the front, to make the artwork a treat for the eye with this interesting form of composition. It makes the scene all the more dramatic, wouldn’t you agree?”

Mark and Rachel hummed thoughtfully, but both were looking at the painting as if it was some Professor Layton puzzle they had yet to solve.

“What do you think?” James turned to her directly, catching her off guard. James usually wasn’t one to ask others for their opinion, so she could only guess it was an attempt to test her bare knowledge on the subject to make himself look like the smarter one.

“I think you said it all, James,” she decided to answer with, “I’m afraid I haven’t thought about art in that way since my classes in school. As of now, I have more important things to worry about than what the composition in a painting is like.”

It was low of her, she knew that, but someone needed to teach him a lesson.

“Ah,” James said, seemingly unfazed by her subtle insult, “Now that you mention it, how’s your book coming along?”

She sighed. Of course, he was going to play that card. She could’ve seen it coming.

Being a published writer of a few mediocre novels she’d written back in school, she was still in search for her new muse, and things were getting a bit desperate, to say the least. She had absolutely no idea what her next story was going to be about, finding everything in her life to be inexplicably boring and explicitly dull.

Not so much to say she wasn’t happy. No, she liked being with Mark. But she couldn’t say her life was a real adventure with him, or anyone for that matter. They lived in an apartment in the big city, where Mark had his day job and she her comfortable bed. He’d come home and she would’ve cooked – whatever attempt it was each time – and cleaned, and perhaps even written down a page or two only to never look at it again.

“Oh, you know. It’s getting there,” she lied, “Inspiration is lacking a bit these days, unfortunately.”

“I’ve always found inspiration to be a bit of a myth,” James said thoughtfully, “Why is it exactly that one particular thing that’s so inexplicable yet so necessary to create something? It seems a bit… I don’t know, like an excuse for some writers. I’ve heard many talk about it seriously, and many call it pure laziness. But then again, I wouldn’t really know much of the matter.”

There was the comeback.

She smiled tightly. “No, you wouldn’t. I can agree that some writers use it as an excuse to hide their laziness, as I find that a lot of characters write their own stories as soon as you sit down and start typing. However, inspiration is indeed something vague, and could be considered a writer’s virtue or downfall. It’s however you approach the subject, and however you try to deal with it or rationalize it as an artist.”

“You’re right, I shouldn’t have even mentioned it. I wouldn’t know much about it, since I’m only an art consultant, after all.” He threw his hands up degradingly.

Fucker.

“Oh, come on, let’s not be so childish. All of our work is equally as important, as long as we’re happy doing it,” Rachel intervened, before raising her glass, “Here’s a toast to inspiration and art!”

Though she was relieved the argument was over and the attention drawn away from her, she couldn’t help but feel that familiar itch from the downgrading undertone in Rachel’s voice. Call it jealousy if you might, but she wasn’t one to let something like that slip from her mind, however many years may pass.

“So, if I may be so bold to ask,” Rachel continued, and the writer had almost collected her guts to blatantly reply with a ‘no’ when the woman was already speaking again, “What are your plans after the wedding? Are you moving? Already thinking about having kids? No pressure, of course.” She laughed with a pitch so high it nearly shattered the wineglass she was bringing to her lips to pieces.

“Oh, she always gets a bit icky talking about having kids,” Mark chuckled, “But if it were up to her, we’d be moving to some remote village in the outskirts of France, living in a tiny apartment until we grow old and turn to dust.”

She shrugged at her fiancée, “Doesn’t sound all that bad to me.”

“That’s because you came up with it.”

“Don’t you want to be closer to your friends?” Rachel asked, “Why move to the middle of nowhere, when you have everything out here?”

“I don’t know. I guess because of the peace and quiet. A simple life, with the bare necessities.”

“I wouldn’t have protested if it wasn’t for my job,” Mark added, which was a blatant lie. She’d heard him cut off her dream many times over for many different reasons. “Unfortunately, my French isn’t good enough to be a lawyer, and certainly not in the outskirts somewhere.”

“I thought you barely spoke a word of French, anyway?” James asked her.

“I know, but I would learn it there. It would be a part of the adventure.”

He snorted, “I’m sorry darling, but adventure is for children. It’s time to grow out of that. Perhaps you should find something you like in a proper job.”

 She’d prompted to walk back to the hotel, through the rain, as Mark, James and Rachel – mostly Mark – had tried to convince her to share a cab with them. But no way in hell would she spend another unnecessary moment with that couple, and Mark knew better than to follow her out, for she would only be walking too quickly for him, and he would have quietly trailed after her the whole way back.

So, when she finally reached the building, he allowed her to soak in the tub for a few hours before finally approaching her.

“He has a point, you know.”

The look she gave him was an evident warning, yet he still had the guts to continue. “I’m not saying you should stop writing. I know that’s your passion. But, I’m asking you to maybe find something that could come close to that in the meantime, at least until you find something to write about. And perhaps, after we get married-“ he kissed her wrinkly palm, “-we could afford ourselves a nice vacation cot somewhere in the outskirts of France, and we could visit it as often as we’d like.”

She pursed her lips, turning her eyes away from his pensively. “I’m not sure your job would allow that. Your vacation days would be limited, and my desires to go on a holiday always growing.”

He smiled gently. “I’m sure we could work it out after I get that promotion.”

She looked at him, her eyes slightly glossy. “I just don’t want to feel like I’m giving up.”

“You’re not giving up, sweetheart. You’re only taking measures to be able to do the things you like, and when things are going well you can set your priorities straight. It’s the better thing to do.”

Her mind might be relieved to hear this solution, but her gut remained ridden with unease.

 “Mark? Are you coming?” she called out, her hand hovering over the doorknob of their room.

“I’ll be right after you!” she heard him say, “Work is phoning me, you go ahead. I’ll take the next cab.”

“Alright, but don’t be too long!”

 They were supposed to meet with their parents that evening to share the big news, but after hugs were shared and multiple cups of tea were had, Mark still hadn’t shown. She was beginning to grow worried when he didn’t pick up his phone, and even went as far as to step outside to frantically see if the connection was better.

After eight missed calls, she finally reached him.

“Can you believe it?” she heard him slur, “I stepped into the same cab as James! We’re at the pub, you should come join!”

Hearing faint noises of protest from others on the other end of the line, she quickly grew more and more bothered. “Mark, we were supposed to see my parents tonight.”

“Oh, we can see them again tomorrow! I figured you needed some catching up to do.”

“You could’ve joined in on that catching up, as they’ve barely seen you three times over the past four years we’ve been together.”

“Please don’t be like that sweetheart, you know I adore your parents. In fact, I’ll come over right now if that’s what you-“

“No,” she quickly cut him off, not being able to stand the mental sight of her parents having to deal with her drunk fiancée. “You know what, have fun. I’ll stay at my parents’ for the night.”

“Sounds like fun! Call me-“

She’d hung up the phone before he could finish his sentence, and had dropped to her knees as she felt her bottom lip tremble. Not wanting to alert the neighbours, she quickly forced her numb legs to work again and strode in the direction of town, a walking route she usually took whenever she was upset when she was young. She sent a quick text to her mum, telling her she’d meet again with them tomorrow and explain what happened. She really couldn’t be bothered right now.

Tears streamed down her face at the thought that her feet were so unwilling to go back to face her parents, who she’d have to disappoint yet again with a disappearing soon-to-be son-in-law. It wasn’t that she couldn’t tell her parents about her problems, it was the thought of disappointing them once again with a mistake she was making.

A horrible, horrible mistake.

She was no longer aware of which way she’d gone, as all shops around her seemed unfamiliar, yet she could’ve sworn she hadn’t messed up any turns in her route.

Wherever she was though, was a beautifully quaint, with antique streetlights and a cobbled road. Shop windows held curtains made from white lace, and showed off vintage clothes and items for a real bargain.

Must be one of those vintage sales, she figured, as her eyes grazed along cars with brands that were so old she couldn’t remember the names of them. Stores like these must attract the more interesting people with vehicles like those.

It was when she saw a polished and brand-new-looking typewriter in one of the windows, she paused. Above it, she saw her own reflection; a puffy reddened face stained with an ongoing array of tears.

“I really hope you’re not crying because you want that typewriter so awfully bad,” a voice spoke.

She whipped around, coming face to face with a man who was giving her a kind look. His eyes were hazel, matching the brown suit he wore, and his head shaved to a buzzcut. He had sharp features, and still looked awfully British.

“I- Uh… No, I’m not,” she stuttered, trying to wipe the waterworks away with her sleeve.

The man then held out a folded cotton handkerchief to her, along with a smile as an attempt to cheer her up. She gratefully accepted both.

“Not any bloke I’d need to beat up, is there?”

She laughed blubberingly, “I don’t think that would be the solution to my problems, but thank you.”

“Thank god,” he huffed, “Because to be quite honest, I can’t throw a punch for the life of me. I would’ve had to ask one of my mates to do it for me, and cheer him on as he’d won my own fight.”

“I don’t think that would count as your fight,” she chuckled.

“Defending a lady’s honour is always my fight,” he replied. He shook his head, “Apologies for the rudeness, miss. Haven’t even properly introduced myself. I’m Miles.”

She gave him her own name, “and it’s nice to meet you, Miles. May I ask what you’re doing about this late?”

He gave her a strange look, “Why, it’s the perfect hour, why wouldn’t I be about? The night has only just started, and one of my close mates is preforming in the pub nearby. Want to join?”

She only took a moment to hesitate, before wilfully agreeing. “Sure.”