#the school SYSTEM can go fuck itself but some of my teachers literally saved me

[witchpussy42069]

ALSO I HATED SCHOOL BUT SHOUT OUT TO MY ELEMENTARY TEACHERS FOR CALLING SOCIAL SERVICES, PUTTING ME IN COUNSELING, FEEDING ME BREAKFAST EVERY DAY AND GIVING ME PENCILS FOR SCHOOL

AND SHOUT OUT TO THE LIBRARIES EVERYWHERE. ANYTIME I NEEDED TO ESCAPE ABUSE I WENT TO THE LIBRARY, TOLD THE LIBRARIAN NOT TO LET ANYONE KNOW I WAS THERE AND THEN I READ BOOKS OR PLAYED ON THE COMPUTER. SAVED MY LIFE.

[zenosanalytic]

Growing Up is Hard; It’s Hard and Nobody Understands

So I noticed netflix has Neon Genesis Evangelion up last week and started watching it front to back for the first time ever(this happens to have coincided with me being in a down-mood for your edification, dear readers u_u), finished it today, REALLY liked it, and I wanted to try my hand at explaining what the hell is even going on in NGE cuz it actl seemed super-clear to me(a person who has been consuming NGE analysis and post-NGE media for literally 25 years) u_u

Surface Plot; Or NERV: What the Hell Is It?

I’ll try to make this as brief as possible: An organization of super-wealthy individuals calling itself Seele(looking this up, it means soul in german) wants to possess the power of God. The final third or so of the series is clear on this; it’s all about power. Ikari Yui, a geneticist, is recruited by this organization, and her husband Gendo(having taken her name which says a LOT given typical Japanese practice) comes with her. In seeking out this power, they discover a hollow sphere underneath Antarctica(”The White Moon”), send an expedition there under the guise of the UN, encounter an entity with this power which they label an “Angel”, and do SOMETHING which prompts it to explode the continent flooding the earth and killing half the population(that Gendo left beforehand implies this may have been intentional, or that a bad outcome to Seele’s approach was easy to predict, tho in typical Gendo fashion, his is the only ass he cared to save).

Afterwards Seele blame the scientists for this outcome and send Gendo on a salvage mission which recovers both remains of the Angel, now dubbed “Adam”, and a device they dub “the spear of Longinus”. Seele creates Gehirn to study these remains for practical use; they clone “Adam” and dub the result Evas(Eves). Having cloned them, they now need a way to use and control them as the Evas are non-responsive. They hit on the idea of injecting people into them via the Entry Plug system, presumably to act as a brain. The first person to try this, Ikari Yui, was absorbed by the Eva(Unit 01); the second(Soryu Kyoko Zeppelin; Asuka’s mother) was partially psychologically absorbed by Unit 02, psychologically and mentally injured by this, institutionalized, abandoned by her shit USian husband Langley who remarried to her LEAD DOCTOR, and eventual kills herself in a hanging which Asuka either is the first to discover or, given her memories of promising to die with her/begging her not to do it, was present for. An important thing to note about this: Shinji and Asuka’s ability to sync with their Evas comes from the fact that their mothers are PART of their Eva’s identity, and all of their classmates are potential pilot-candidates. The implication here is that Seele KNEW this happened when you put adults into an Angel, and they KEPT DOING IT ANYWAY to create more pilots, but there’s no confirmation of that in series.

After the attempt at human adult control fails, Gendo combines Yui’s DNA with Adam’s and creates Rei. At the same time he is doing this another team, under Akagi Naoko, is developing Magi, a biomechanical computer for simulating the human mind(again: certain implication to this re: Evas though the series never says anything). Naoko is romantically interested in Gendo, and they start getting together(Gendo’s too much of an asshole to be said to date, I think). After Rei, a toddler, tells her Gendo calls her an “old woman” in private, not realizing this is insulting, Naoko kills her, then kills herself out of shame over having MURDERED A CHILD, and Gehirn is folded into a new organization, NERV, which Gendo is put in charge of. Rei forms the basis of the second attempt at controlling the Evas; child-pilots.

How they use Rei for this I’m not exactly sure. It could be because Rei is cloned from Yui(she easily syncs with Unit 01 before Shinji bonds with it completely), or because she’s part Angel via her Adam element(Kaworu says Angels merge with one another easily and naturally), or it could be they did something with Rei I’s corpse and Unit 00(I dont see how as it seems to require a LIVE pilot). Regardless, she is raised to be the pilot for 00, the prototype. MUCH later, when the rest of the Angels finally decide to come looking for Adam, Shinji is called in, and after his success Asuka(who like Rei and unlike Shinji has been training to pilot her whole life) is called to Nerv headquarters(under Japan, in the “Black Moon”; a second spherical hollow where they found another Angel they call Lilith) too.

Regardless the child-pilots are only a step in Nerv and Seele’s plans, as Rei is ALSO the template for the Dummy Plug system, the final step in complete control of Eva units. To put it simply, the Dummy Plugs are Rei-clones without her personality or memories, and will just do whatever the heck they’re ordered to. At least once during the series(and I’d argue two, possibly three times) Rei dies and is replaced by one of these clones through some process, which involves what looks like a pre 00 Eva’s spine and probably a Magi-like backup, which transfers her personality and memories into the new body.

So what is Nerv? Well it’s hard to say EXACTLY because Gendo is in some sort of conflict with Seele(and I want to keep my watches of End of Evangelion out of this post; to focus entirely on JUST NGE itself) and Nerv IS Gendo, but as the series states repeatedly it’s an attempt to control the future of humanity by controlling what they call “the power of god” which, given that it’s what most distinguishes the “Angels”, is the AT, or “Absolute Terror”, Field. What is the AT Field? It’s a field that can make or unmake any kind of matter or energy from basically nothing, and it also seems to have a strong tie to what you could call the Ego; to desires and sense-of-self. An AT Field gets stronger when the person generating it is experiencing powerful emotions; Confidence, sure, but also Fear, Abandonment, the Will to Live, and Anger.

That last bit is very important. Why? Strong AT Field effects require a powerful emotional motivation in the pilot combined with high sync-rates with the Eva(basically a lobotomized Angel-clone) generating the Field. The three pilots we meet, the Strongest candidates, are all exceedingly traumatized people, and Gendo is the direct cause of the trauma of two of them. At no point in the series is Gendo ever a good father to Shinji, he is CONSTANTLY unreasonable, neglectful, and cruel to him; he’s kinder to Rei but at the same time her loneliness, the state of her “home”, and her lack of self worth shows that he rarely interacts with her outside of missions or explains what’s going on beyond bald facts; and he COMPLETELY ignores Asuka, a deeply lonely child with a history of abandonment and close brushes with death; he even delegates bumping her from the program. This point is important because it’s important to recognize that Gendo is a bad dad on PURPOSE; that he instrumentalizes his bad dadness to traumatize Shinji(and Rei and Asuka, though sadly the series doesn’t focus on them enough for us to see much) as much as he can, because he thinks that trauma, that emotional instability and anger, MAKES SHINJI A MORE USEFUL PILOT; ie lets him generate more powerful AT Fields. This is never said clearly, but it’s clearly what’s going on as forcing Unit 01(and thus Shinji) into awful, heartbreaking, life-threatening situations is vital to his plan. Gendo’s a piece of shit, and I want ppl to recognize just HOW BIG a piece of shit he is, because I feel this powerfully.

And for what? For Power. To be “God”. To get the highest numbers. To generate the MOST Invincible Invincibility Shield. For Ridiculous, Absurd, Childish reasons. For, you know, the same reasons rich and powerful people do all the fucked up shit they do in the real world where giant magic robots thankfully DONT exist.

And how do they plan to do this? Through “Human Instrumentation”, which will literally kill everyone by turning them all into goo.

Metaplot; Or “SHINJI! Don’t Get in that Robot!!”

So, maybe this is just because(as said previously) I’ve been reading NGE Analysis and consuming media which NGE heavily inspired for ~25 years, but I think it’s old hat at this point to note that Neon Genesis Evangelion is ALSO an allegory for becoming an adult, centered on Shinji. However, it’s just really SO on the nose in this, so PERFECT as such a narrative, that I want to run through it real quick. Also: A Cruel Angel’s Thesis is basically a thesis-statement for this series; please check out the lyrics.

So Shinji is living under the guardianship of a teacher(yup: this series even takes a swing at how our society uses schools to warehouse kids so their parents can waste their lives producing “Value” instead of raising them), when the shitty dad that abandoned him decides he has a use for him after all and calls him up.

On meeting with a child he has not seen SINCE HE WAS A TODDLER LITERALLY ABANDONED HIM ON THE STREET WHEN HIS MOTHER DIED he immediately ambushes him with the command that he get in a huge body(that he grow up) to do what? Whatever Gendo tells him to, but specifically: commit acts of violence for Gendo and Seele’s profit. He tells him this will protect people; meanwhile doing it destroys those peoples’ literal homes. The rest of the series is a series of monotonous, incomprehensible “Tests” judging his, and his peers, worthiness for approval and affection on the basis of how well they can use those giant bodies to do what Gendo tells them(so: capitalist work), punctuated by unpredictable, brutal, traumatizing, and physically dangerous events(so: capitalist work). Every friend, and the one lover, he meets, he is placed in unnecessary, destructive competition with and, when they are male, forced to attack and(in the case of the one lover, Kaworu) kill them; this last comment on homophobia is so stark and obvs I don’t even feel like you can CALL it subtext, even IF it plays out over mostly a single episode(honestly this plotline should have been given more time). And all the time they’re doing this, they must ALSO continue going to school and maintaining the front that they’re happy smiley Heroes, completely normal and not traumatized at all, and Nerv and the government that lets them run this city is a great and wonderful organization. Is this not what becoming an adult, over your teens and 20s, feels like?

And then there’s Seele and Nerv. Able to move state governments as they wish, Seele CAUSED Second Impact(Global Warming). By not returning Adam’s remains, they’re CAUSING the Angel attacks on Nerv meant to retrieve them(the threat of Human extinction). The Angels eventually begin trying to communicate and Nerv’s response? Destroy them before they can; blow up the Evas(and their pilots) if they succeed. And to top it all off Seele and Nerv are actually trying to CAUSE the very extinction(Third Impact) they claim to be preventing! Seele and Nerv are just SUCH good metaphors for capitalism in our modern day.

The transwoman reading of Shinji also seems pretty dang strong to me, though I’ll only deal with it shallowly. Shinji is the only “male” of all the pilots. Outside of command and security, most Nerv staff are women. Being an Eva pilot, being Nerv staff, is marked as “feminine”, and Shinji is an Eva pilot; is a Nerv staffer. The body he gets into, Unit 01, acts as a metaphor for the large, imposing, masculine body he’s expected to have as an adult “man”, yet it’s also spiritually his mom -feminine- and his ability to use it is tied DIRECTLY with his ability to “Sync” with that spirit; with his ease and comfort being feminine. Even at the level of mere aesthetics, Shinji’s plugsuit makes him appear to have breasts! Going a bit deeper, he initially relates to the women around him by relating to their gender. He’s most at ease with Rei because of the personality traits she shares with him which, we know from his gender-policing of Misato from earlier in the series, are traits he considers feminine(ie: he doesn’t feel like Misato has them, so he thinks she’s being a woman “wrong” and gets oddly offended by this in a way that really feels more about him than her). Asuka is constantly expressing her frustration with him for not “being a man”, ie, for being “feminine” in her eyes, and he isn’t really bothered by it(her calling him an idiot seems to stick much more firmly). Misato and Shinji establish a modus vevendi when she accepts him as he is, allowing him to do the household chores and to cook; he’s comfortable and happy when accepted into roles his culture considers feminine, while most of the series is him bucking AGAINST the masculinity forced on him by Nerv, his father, and others. Again: this is a very surface-level engagement with the subject, but even at that shallow level I feel like the case for reading Shinji as a transwoman is pretty solid.

Dislikes

It’s not a perfect series by any means of course.

There’s allot of dialogue that’s pure 90s nonsense, though the series mostly includes it only to shoot it down.

Like I said above, I don’t think Rei and Asuka really get the time or attention they deserve. In general the series treatment of women is ...Weird... especially around the issue of sex. It’s really strange; in many ways it’s far better than most anime(spcl from that period) on this. Women are ACTUAL PEOPLE with psychology, opinions, and pasts; they’re allowed to have emotions of their own, and struggles, and to be damn competent; they are independent and their own selves rather than accessories or “prizes” to men. But on the issue of feminine sexuality it just gets suddenly so weird in this very particular old-school misogynist way. Like: it treats women’s attraction and reactions TO relationships as something devoid of and impenetrable to reason, without belittling the emotions(the desire and hurt) behind those reactions. That’s the only way I can describe it, and it’s so strange to see something that is both so insulting and sympathetic at once. Oh, and the Akagis in particular are done super-dirty for seemingly no reason I can see, tho I can guess, and Akagi Ritsuki is CLEARLY a lesbian(possibly bi lesbian) and also Rose Lalonde(srsl; her Deal should have been an unrequited, unspoken crush on Misato. They openly dealt with queerness re: Kaworu and Shinji they could have done it here too).

The Kaworu storyline should have been a series of episodes or even developed from the start with him as another pilot(maybe replace Toji with him), though they’d have to tone down his weirdness, at least at the start. A deeper dive on Shinji’s sexuality(honestly his attraction to Kaworu is SO much more immediate and believable than anything we see with him and Asuka, which there is basically nothing of beyond the ep where they had to do choreography for a fight, and that’s not developed on) would have really been appreciated, and having Kaworu be a bigger part of the series would have facilitated that.

Also honestly the whole series feels a bit rushed? Spcl the second half. Like I said: I haven’t done any followup reading lately, but I remember there being some budget problems or something, so maybe that’s the cause. Ironically it might actl also be why it’s as GOOD as it is; having to keep it short forces you to write concise and lean, and that’s probably why its themes and message are so clear. But, I’d have liked more rambling for character development, and more time spent on seeing Rei and Asuka react to the stresses we saw Shinji face(also they never really get moments to shine like he does; another negative common to the medium and genre). Asuka in particular, as a Japanese German with a USian temperament abandoned by her parents, already an outsider in SO many ways, coming to live in an entirely different culture where she’s even MORE of an outsider; forced to live with people(Misato and Shinji) she finds it impossible to relate to or connect with; who has literally NO ONE beside a single adult guardian who totally blows her off THE WHOLE SERIES after delivering her; PLUS her awful past: there’s just SO MUCH material I’d have loved to see explored more slowly and with greater depth, detail, and sympathy even if what IS there already is pretty powerful and effecting. She’s SUCH a good Vriska(so I’d also have loved to see her break more shit too >:>)

Conclusion

So Anyway: I really liked this series. It had its problems, there are things I’d have liked to see, but it absolutely deserves the reputation it has. I might write more about this, I might do a watch through INCLUDING End of Evangelion(which actl makes much more sense having watched the series, though having done so makes Shinji’s masturbation scene comPLETELY out of left-field like where the hell did THAT come from); we’ll see.

[cowboypossume]

so i reread keeper of the lost cities and here’s my fresh input:

a note before we begin: you know how people fake throw up at things on tik tok? this book is the reason i now unironically do that.

dex and fitz really have the enemies to lovers troupe going for them and i’m ok with it. i really am.

so do sophie and biana at the beginning but it fizzes out so a better description is enimies to friends to lovers

marhella and stina give me such power top energy i cannot express how much i think that contributes to people not liking them

speaking of stina i wish sophie didn’t just immediately hop onto the bandwagon of “oh she’s evil” without investing further, especially with how much she is written as a ‘good’ person (which i can and will defend to the day i die that good people don’t exist but that’s for a different day).

there’s way too much heteronormativity and Patriarchical Ideas mushed into the book. like three hole pages of a 488 page book of teenagers being like “oooooo girls like guys and guys like girls” only for della to join in. not to mention the amount of times keefe is the reason for those ideas because he’s teasing like “oh fitz has a girlfriend”

keefe and fitz didn’t have as many bonding moments™️ in this book as i remember, but they stil know each other really well, have comfortability around each other, and would make a 10/10 best friends to lovers troupe.

oh my god s o many crushes i swear. like two teenagers of the opposite gender really can’t not like each other apperantly

i miss read a line and really thought there was cannon sexism for me to do a whole ass rant about in the notes part of my analyzation but n o p e

but we do have classism, sexist stereotypes, and the fact that there’s been SO many characters who’ve spoken and ✨🌺far too many of them are white🌺✨

oh also: no ones disabled. which annoys me because their society is described as ‘euptopic’ almost implying that it’s something that makes people problematic, which,,,, no

ok a side note on the society, i understand that the story’s message (kinda) is that things that seem perfect are probably deeply flawed, but something tergan said stuck with me. on a page i can’t remember at the moment he says something like “[the black swan exists] in a society that doesn’t have rebels”, which it suck with me bc that’s boarderline dystopic if it’s not there already. it’s one thing for laws not to be broken, but when you think your society is so perfect despite it having obvious flaws and you think that no one rebels, then i really hate to break it to you, you have a massive rebellion about to occur; it’s just scented as foul under your resplendent nose.

please stop flirting. i get its part of teenagers being teens but i swear if i read “s/he realeased a breath” or “their heart fluttered” or literally ANYTHING like that god no.

yall. i missed dex. he actually has more role in this book than ‘you can gadget and we need one’ and oh boy i really missed him. he’s a BEAN and deserves better.

hole’s said everyone deserves better and i absolutely agree so we’re adding that note here.

if you do what i did and read this book out loud to one of your best friends who has no clue anything about this weird fandom and give fitz a really deep voice for no reason it’s comdy GOLD.

i really think i’m reading too much into this point but iggy seems,,,, symbolic to me?

like ok with humans, sophie didn’t ‘fit in’, right? like she grew up hearing things like “why can’t you be normal like your sister” (which i can do a whole other rant about how that will affect her for the rest of her life just a s k)

not to mention looking really different from her family and graduating high school at age twelve 

but you know who never judged her?

m a r t y

so anyway sophie meets this teal-eyed, movie star smiled wonder boy who takes away her entire knowledge of everything she’s known while taking away her family too

and it turns out even in a place of weirdos she still manages to be the exception to everything

and she doesn’t have the comfort to hear what people are really thinking about her anymore (which as i said before say the word and i’ll deadass write a whole speech about how everything she heard will completely fuck up every relationship she has) which unfortunately means that she grew used to confirming people didn’t like her but now she doesn’t have that

she has to adapt to this new space and feel like she’s always felt, like an outcast in a place that was accepting, but yet again, she the exception to everything

but about halfway through the book she starts to become more comfortable around grady and edaline and that’s when iggy comes in

she finds him while cleaning garbage, and grady compliments her. they have a bonding moment and it’s because of this t h i n g. and then sophie actually feels proud not only does she take up a room, but she did something

and her new parents are proud of her

so she finally feels like she BELONGS because she helped out at the place where she lives/they work

to me it seems iggy is kinda a manifesto of the world building and character development that happens in this book

i think the plot/character arc is fixated a little too much on how different sophie is. like, i get it, she’s exception to everything, but the plot really didn’t need her to be that quirky. yes, she’s different, but there’s a lot more to the plot and her character than how different she is.

also, i had to reread pages a lot bc i needed an exact paragraph number and,,,, it’s really paced like a fanfic

some questions i have about the society is:

it’s established that they use books, physical papers, etc., and the only thing i remember about trees is the speech alden gave her about how she doesn’t know the name of their most popular tree, and the fact that people become trees when they die. even then i don’t think the second one is in this book. never o n c e do i remember something about planting trees that aren’t dead elf’s, so do they feel the affects of deforestation and that jazz?? like if they use trees, will they run out of them? can they??? and do they use the coffins of elf’s for paper??

this is more of a rant than a question, but here it goes anyway. in foxfire, students have a testing system very similar to the one in america: a huge test at the end of the year determines the future of a student. that in of itself doesn’t sound too drastic, right? well,,,,, not necessarily. several studies have shown that tests in general, but especially these types, don’t work. despite how good or bad of a teacher i think my past and current teachers have been, every single one of them hates this system that we have in place. they know it’s an unfair assessment that does it’s damnist to make you fail, and they’re trying so hard to denounce it. however, that doesn’t happen at all in the lost cities. in fact, most of the teachers pride themselves on failing students. so if elf’s are in such an advanced society, why do tests still exist? especially in an environment where the consequences are far greater than just staying back a grade. 

so sophie’s figuring out that major problems exist in the world the elf’s created, right? i wonder if more society structured problems exist more than ‘oh bad people do things and the law justifies which is what’. like, as i’ve previously stated, there’s sexist stereotypes presented (like girls like dresses and guys don’t), but does sexism still exist? does racism exist? it’s established that poverty isn’t a thing because of the fund elf’s have at birth and their limited usage of money (which if you understand please explain bc i don’t really get how they buy stuff but still don’t use money) but if someone gets shipped off to exile, do they lose their money? is it possible for elf’s to starve to death because they can’t afford food? do they pay for food?? if they did starve who would they call? because someone on this website, who’s post i tried to find but i couldn’t so if y’all know what i’m talking about please link it, brought up a good point that elwin is a school physician, he shouldn’t be dealing with the near-death experiences sophie has, so who would they turn to? especially if they don’t have access to foxfire because they got exciled??

is therapy a thing in this world? sophie and dex could really benefit from it, yet mental health has only been brought up when someone went insane, which REALLY shows how little they think about it.

that perfectly transitions into my next point: sophie and dex’s trauma. i really don’t get the vibe that there was much thought going into their kidnapping, other than sophie needed something to trigger her inflecting ability and establish the black swan are on the good side, which really sucks because wow trauma doesn’t happen lightly. and the fact that it happened seems rushed to me, but i’ll come back to that. but anyway, their trauma doesn’t get developed that deeply in this book because it wasn’t given the space to. they were beaten, tortured, starved, gagged, and who even knows what else for t e n d a y s, only for them to find them again, repeat the process, but someone saves them and dumps them into an illegal city and they both nearly die from dehydration, coldness, and lack of concentration, and you’re telling me after three days of conscious of bed rest sophie wants to get her failing out of school over with? ma’am, it takes more time than that to adjust to THAT alone, not to mention the realization that “hey your entire life is fake because people genetically altered you to be their weapon in a war so much bigger than yourself” that was recently dumped on her. like,,,, you really expect me to think that three days is what made her feel prepared and CONFIDENT? no sir. i don’t buy it.

coming back to it being rushed: the book starts out slow and then really hits the ground running and doesn’t stop. so much more stuff happens in the second half of the book than the first and it never gets fully developed it feels like. in the first half sophie moves away but gets a new family and struggles a bit but adapts, fires maybe but hey don’t worry about it, dex hates fitz, fitz is ✨d r e a m y ✨ but our main girl doesn’t like him like that, right?, stina’s a bitch, and sophie is a quirky girl and telepath but can’t tell anyone. pretty basic stuff, not too plot intensive. the second half though: sophie almost fails her midterms but doesn’t, grady and elaine want to unadopt her (which that’s never really explained as to why they do that but ok) fires exist in san degio but they’re fine but they’re actually a rebel elf so..., sophie accidentally breaks a law but it was an accident so it’s fine, update on the fires: sophie burns herself trying to get the evidence that it’s a rebel elf and it works, she’s the moon lark and basically a weapon bc no one knows her well enough to evaluate her safety, sophie and dex get kidnapped but fitz can now transmit to her and she has two new abilities so it’s all good, trauma doesn’t exist except for nightmare you can fix with sedatives, sophie doesn’t fail out of school, and yayyy her family doesn’t want her remove their adoption. there’s probably a lot more that i missed, it’s just that’s a LOT of stuff crammed into a little bit further than the second half of the book that really could have been devolped or explore further instead of forcing into less than 244 pages, ya know?

fitz’s eyes are mentioned seven times, the first time being on page TWO of the novel

his smile is mentioned three times

alden says “no reason to worry” five times, he writes it once, and sophie points out he says it a lot so he chances it slightly to something like ‘don’t stress about it’ so i didn’t count those though i should have

speaking of alden, in this book he’s absolutely creepy, but something that stands out to me is how much he calls sophie girl. i didn’t count it, but he said “that’s a good girl” to sophie too many times for it to be normal especially when you consider how he doesn’t do it to anyone else.

i kinda forgot i was annotating for sophie’s anxious habit of pulling out her eyelashes so i got she did it twice, but i highly doubt that number

but i will keep adding to this when i actually do the words with my annotations.

[ilovemygaydad]

Dance, Dance

Part Five: The Sound of Music

Based off this post that you really need to read for context!

Pairings: Analogical and Royality (past sleeplogical)

Characters: Virgil, Patton, Logan, Roman, Sleep/Remy, Deceit/Dominic, October/Toby, September/Ember

Warnings: domestic abuse, swearing, sexual humor, crude comments, bullying, making out, abusive deceit, mentions of vomiting (just one word), step parents, food mentions, rejection, logan’s kind of an asshole to virgil, and possibly something else

A/N: a few people asked me about dominic using both she/her and he/him pronouns, and the explanation is that it’s just me fucking things up. like, that’s it. you can hc him however you want, idc, but I’m just stupid. also, chris is from Sleep is for the Weak

Masterlist | Ask Blog | READ ON AO3

Tags: @adultmorelikeadolt @disneyfanatic77 @logan-smarter-than-you-sanders​ @punsterterry​ @mycatshuman @fluidityandgiggles​ @sadpunkrat @theunoriginaldaisy​

Logan had been buzzing with anticipation all weekend over who his mystery guy could be, and he could tell that it was getting on Roman’s nerves no matter how much he claimed to be a sucker for a good romance, but it was just… He was absolutely captivated, and the only clue that he had towards the identity of his mystery man was an iPod. That in and of itself should be a huge clue because, honestly, who had an iPod in 2018, but that was just it. Who even had an iPod? Not a single person that he could think of.

With that dead-end in mind, Logan turned to yearbooks. He knew that there was a possibility that he had danced with a freshman or sophomore, but he obviously didn’t have access to yearbooks from the previous year, so he had to rely on his own freshman and sophomore yearbooks. Those, too, came up with a dead-end. He found someone close--Patton King--who, in sophomore year, had dyed his full head bright blue, but the bouncy curls were completely different to the light waves in the hair of whomever he had danced with.

Logan had begrudgingly told Roman that they would have to take this search more public. Sure, there were mysteries that Logan simply wouldn’t be able to solve, but this one was so much more complicated than he had originally thought, and he was certainly going to need help.

“Hey, um, Mx. Elliott…”

“Oh, Logan! Welcome back to school--though, I’m a bit hurt that it took you this long to come and visit me.”

Logan blushed a bit. He felt bad about not visiting, but there were only so many hours in the day where he had time off. “I’m so sorry, Mx. I promise that I’ll stop here more often.” There was an awkward pause as Logan thought of what to say next. “So… How is Mitchell doing?”

“Oh. I broke up with him for good. I took yours and Joan’s advice, and I kicked him out of my apartment about six weeks ago.” They fiddled a bit with the sleeve of their sweater uncomfortably. For years, Elliott had been a good friend of Logan’s, but they were dating this awful guy named Mitchell for just as long. Elliott’s self esteem was ripped to shreds time and time again, and they had a hard time listening to their cousin, Joan, and Logan’s advice.

“I’m very proud of you for doing that. I’m sure that it took a lot of strength, and I’m glad that you’ve gotten your life back into your own hands.” Logan paused and held out the iPod. “However, I didn’t come here merely to talk pleasantries. I need to find someone. I danced with him at the ball, and he dropped this, and--”

Elliott smirked. “And you fell in love?”

“What? No! No, of course not.” Tick. “Well…” Tock. “Maybe…” Tick. “But it’s none of your business!”

“You literally came here for my assistance, Logan. It is by definition my business now.”

“Hush! Just--Roman--PA!” Logan pushed Roman, who had been standing there silently, at the PA system to make the announcement.

And, in normal Roman fashion, it was ridiculously extra. “Ladies, lords, and non-binary royalty, The Prince is on the mic to ask you all formally if you have seen a handsome lad who ditched my best friend Logie--”

“Logie?!”

Roman covered the microphone with his hand as he hissed, “Logan didn’t rhyme there!”

“Shut up and hand over the mic,” Logan growled as he pushed Roman out of the chair and sat down. “Hello. It’s me, Logan Parker.” He took a deep, calming breath. “On Saturday, I danced with one of the most amazing people. You left in a hurry, and you ended up dropping your iPod on the ground. In all honesty, it was the best night of my life, and I want to give you back your iPod, so… if you are able to name the top four songs on your playlist, I’ll return the iPod to you. And maybe we can get coffee or something. Roman and I will be sitting in the center of the cafeteria at lunch so that we can find you.” He unclicked the on button of the PA, and sat back.

“You Gucci, Specs?” Roman asked.

“Yeah. I think so. This should be easy.”

“Okay, Chris. Go.” Logan felt every ounce of his soul drain from his body as his eyes flicked over to the dozens of students lined up to try and prove that they were his mystery guy.

“‘Livin’ la Vida Loca,’ ‘Maria,’ ‘She Bangs,’ and ‘Shake Your Bon-Bon.’ All by Ricky Martin.”

Logan swiped at a puddle of tears that had been left on the lunchroom table with his hand. “Sorry, but that isn’t it.”

The boy stormed off, and Logan let his head fall into his hands. This was a disaster. Logan mentally kicked himself for not being able to recognize who he was looking for right off the bat. He was such an idio--

“Hey, Lo. Do you want me to go around the line and kick out the excesses?” Roman whispered gently.

“God, please do.” Logan looked up; he felt like he was going to cry. “They’re all the same cookie-cutter Hollywood guys, Ro. That guy from the ball was special, but… what if I can’t find him?”

“Are you kidding? You are the Logan Parker! I have no doubt in my mind that we’ll find him.” He smiled. “I think he helped pull you out of your slump. There’s no way I’m letting a guy like that go.”

“Thanks, Roman.”

“Hey, what else is a prince for?”

Virgil shivered as he felt cold water drip down the back of his neck, no doubt staining it with streaks of purple. He had been unlucky enough to fall asleep during his second block class, and one of his asshole classmates got their hands on some glitter glue and wrote transphobic slurs in his hair. It was pretty standard for shit like that to happen, but Virgil had only dyed his hair again yesterday to it’s full purple potential, so it sucked that he had to wash it again. And Patton was pissed. That was pretty normal, too.

“If that teacher had known any better, she would have reported that guy for harassment!”

“Pat, just leave it. She was doing what would protect me from the wrath of administration. If she had reported him, she would have had to explain why I didn’t stop him, which would have gotten me in trouble, and I probably would have been taken out of school by Dominic. I’m already on thin enough ice. Mrs. Larsen was helping me.” Virgil began to ascend the cafeteria stairs, slipping around people who were stationed on the sides.

“That’s still such bullsh--”

Virgil pulled Patton to the side of the stairs with enough force to dislocate a shoulder. “Shut the fuck up for a second and look.”

“Holy--”

“I didn’t think he’d actually do it!” A dozen yards away sat the longest line of people that Virgil had ever seen outside of a Black Friday sale at the Gucci store in Los Angeles. And there was Logan at the head. “Are you fucking serious?”

“Virge, you’ve gotta go down there and tell him before someone starts a riot!”

“No!” Virgil turned to Patton. “No way.”

Patton wildly gestured at Logan. “He said that it was the best night of his life.”

“Yeah. Until he finds out that it was me.” He threw another glance at Logan. “Let’s just go.”

Virgil and Patton continued to their classes, but underneath the stairs, Toby and Ember had heard everything.

The second that Virgil entered the house, Toby and Ember were there to intercept him.

“Look at you, acting all innocent!” Toby snarled. Virgil needed to know that they weren’t going to let him steal Logan away.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Virgil looked confused and tried to evade the twins.

“Oh,” Ember said, gripping Virgil’s arm tightly. “We know it was you at the ball with Logan.”

There was a short pause before Virgil said, “You guys are crazy.”

“No, actually, you’re the crazy one if you think that we’re going to let you end up with Logan, you weird stalker!”

“And if you tell him that it was you,” Toby interjected, waving one of the copies of Virgil’s video in the air. “Your video will be everywhere. Hello, YouTube!”

Virgil scoffed. “You guys can barely work the toaster, let alone YouTube.”

“Try us.”

Ember pushed Virgil away. “Go make dinner. We’re hungry.”

Virgil stared at the twins for a few moments and walked away. Toby turned and went to the door.

“Hey, Toby, where’re you going?”

Toby froze. “None of your business, Ember! I mean, uh, nowhere. For a walk… Uh, outside.”

“Oh. Okay, bye!”

“Yeah, bye.” Toby slipped out the front door and went straight to Virgil’s room. “Playlist. I need to find that playlist.”

Clothes, pencils, notebooks, and everything in between was scattered through Virgil’s room as Toby searched. For twenty minutes, he found nothing, until…

“Aha! Hidden in plain sight, of course!” He lifted up a pillow and found an old Macbook. Without a second of hesitation, he opened it up and went to iTunes. “Okay… ‘Dying in LA,’ ‘Save Rock and Roll,’ ‘Freeze Your Brain,’ ‘Defying Gravity,’ and ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’ Perfect!” He scribbled the titles onto the back of his right hand and went to make his leave, but the door swung open right as he was about to open it, and he was flung into the wall.

Ember sauntered into the room and gasped when he saw the laptop. He picked it up to find the songs, but it tumbled right out of his hands and onto the floor. It was obvious from the loud cracking sound that the laptop wasn’t going to be useable anymore.

“Can you give me a hint as to what genre the songs are?” Chris asked, pressing closer to Roman and Logan. “Are they emo? Metal? Electroclash? Latin pop???”

“Okay, everyone! Disperse yourselves.” Roman hopped up from his seat at the table to usher people away. “Come back… after class or something. Logan’s going to take a break.”

Logan slumped in his seat and waited for Roman to return to speak. “I’m never going to find him. This is hopeless.”

“Hold up. What is this illogical garbage that I’m hearing from you, Logan?” Roman looked more offended than usual.

“It’s not illogical, though.” It was more of a question than a statement.

“It most certainly is! Say there’s an equal fifty-fifty distribution of males and females at our school--excluding the lovely non-binaries, which would make up around 1% of our school, probably. That means that there are about 750 males at our school currently. Sure, the odds don’t seem great, but there’s a chance. Therefore, Logan, we must keep hope that you will find your prince.” Roman smirked. “Logical enough for you, Specs?”

Logan smiled a bit. “Go away.”

“Nah. I’d never ditch my best friend, Lo--”

“Logan Parker!”

“Toby,” Roman sighed, standing up to escort the twin away. “Dude, Logan is on a break. Please come back during business hours, or you can send a letter that will be processed in five to seven business days.”

“Oh, of course. I’m actually in the mood for a prince…” Toby flirtatiously traced his finger on Roman’s collar.

“Are you serious?”

“No! Get out of my way!” Roman was flung backwards with a surprising amount of force, and Logan was only able to stare at his best friend as Toby approached. “I’m The One, Logan!”

Logan didn’t even have the energy to muster a laugh. “Yeah, right.”

“I can prove it. I know all of the songs on the playlist.”

“Of course. Do go on.”

Toby smiled a dazzling smile. Well, dazzling in the blinding way with his bright orange, sparkly braces bands. “‘Dying in LA,’ ‘Save Rock and Roll,’ ‘Freeze Your Brain,’ ‘Defying Gravity,’ and ‘Bohemian Rhapsody!’”

Roman rejoined Logan and whispered, “This is impossible. Right?”

“Ha! I’m right! Kiss me!” Toby surged forward, and Logan almost fell backwards trying to evade him.

“Woah, holy--wait!” Logan held Toby at arm’s length. “You’ve got to dance first.”

“What?!” Toby spluttered. “But--I already told you the songs! That’s all you asked. And I’m not warmed up, and there’s no music!”

Roman sighed dramatically, hanging off of Logan. “Logan, darling, he’s obviously not the one you’re looking for. I mean, he can’t even dance for you.”

“Oh, you’re right!” Logan swerved around Toby. “Well, see ya!”

“No, wait!” Toby grabbed Logan’s hand and spun him back to the table. “I love to dance!”

Logan watched in horror-filled awe as Toby started to “dance” in harsh, seizing motions. In all honesty, he hadn’t expected anything like that. Roman, completely unfazed, decided that it was time to leave, and he dragged Logan away as Toby continued to dance.

Logan was tired. He was really fucking tired of having being, well… for being Logan Parker. It honestly just sucked to be famous. Which sounded stupid and pretentious, but it was true. People fawned over him, and he just wanted some coffee, but there was only shitty canned espresso in an overpriced vending machine, so here he was. In a random hallway getting coffee. He jabbed at the coffee button and leaned down to grab the can. As he stood up, he came face to face with Ember standing in what he could only construe as a seductive position against the vending machine.

“Woah, okay, Ember…”

“Ready to meet your mystery guy, Logan?”

“You know the songs, too? God, can I just catch a break?” Logan ran a hand through his hair and started to walk away, but Ember tugged him back.

What is with these twins and tugging people around?

“But I’m the real freaking one! And I freaking love you, so you’d better freaking love me back, you freaking freak!” Ember yelled. Logan blinked a few times at the outburst.

“Way, way, way deep inside, I’m sure that you’re a… decent person, Ember, but I’ve really got to go--”

“I can prove it!” He threw his backpack on the ground with a dull plop. “Through dance!”

Before Ember could even get very far into his equally as awful dance, Logan ditched the scene, eager to find Roman to get out of the school for his off period.

“Oh my god, Virge. I can’t believe the twins would hold that video against you! You were literally eleven.”

Virgil ate another spoonful of frosting from the tub that Patton had bought him, glaring out the windshield at nothing in particular. “What do I do? I don’t want Logan to think that I’m a fucking stalker! Not to mention the fact that he obviously doesn’t remember me from pre-transition, so he’d find out about that, too. People like me don’t belong with people like him.”

“Look,” Patton said seriously; although, the off-kilter blue bow in his hair made it a little difficult to actually take him seriously. “You and Logan clicked out there on the dancefloor. You have to talk to him.”

“Nuh uh.”

“Yuh huh--oh, look!” Patton pointed out the window at Roman and Logan passing by. “It’s showtime, Virgil! You’ve got this.”

“Yeah! I can do this.” Virgil reached over to open the door, but he whipped around again. “Wait, you know what? Let’s get some food first.”

“Yeah, no,” Patton deadpanned.

“Fuck, fine!” Virgil rushed out of the van before he chickened out and walked over to Logan’s car. “Hey, Logan. I need to tell you something really important.”

“Oh!” Logan smiled charmingly, and damn this stupid crush that Virgil had. “Hello. You work for Dominic, correct?”

“What? No! That’s not what--”

Roman, from the other side of the car, giggled. “You had shrimp in your hair.”

Virgil glared at him. “Well, I mean… Yeah, that was me, but that isn’t what I wanted to say.” He took a deep breath. “I’m--”

“Oh my god!” Logan threw his hands in the air in frustration. “Seriously? Dominic is relentless. First Toby, then Ember, and now you, too?” He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. “Just… I’m looking for someone, okay? I don’t have time to talk. Especially not about that stupid duet. I’ve gotta go… It was nice seeing you.”

Roman and Logan sat in their seats, and Virgil took a few steps back as they pulled out. He watched them for a few seconds before racing back to Patton’s van. Without hesitation, he whipped open the door and grabbed his back and skateboard from the floor.

“I told you, Pat.”

“Oh my god, he blew you off!”

Virgil sighed and backed away a bit. “Whatever.” He slammed the door shut and skated off, ignoring the tears that fell down his cheeks.

Part Six

[ischemgeek]

Lessons from growing up in the gun rights movement

I grew up in the gun rights movement, and I’m really glad to see it’s finally getting a lot of attention as a major part of the broader far-right extremist movements out there. My view, having grown up in it, is that the gun rights movement, as it currently exists in North America, is almost a cornerstone of far right extremism - it’s involved in most far-right extremist movements out there right now. Your own opinion of gun control as an issue may vary, but I think it is important for everyone to understand this movement and what it looks like. 

The gun rights movement is a single-issue movement. Hard core gun rights types will literally ignore every other issue and vote only on who is going to be the most permissive on the gun issue, even if the person in question goes against all of their other beliefs. Like most far-right movements, they’re made up of a mix of True Believers (like my parents) and people who manipulate the true believers for money and/or power (NRA execs, gun company execs, Alex Jones types, etc). There’s a lot of overlap between gun rights extremists, sovereign citizens, the Patriot movement, various Christofascist groups, social regressivists, hate group members, bigots of any and usually several varieties, hard-right militia movements, and doomsday preppers. In fact, most of the extremist gun rights folks I’ve met cover at least two of those bases (my parents, for example, are gun rights extremists, Patriot movement supporters, bigots, and doomsday preppers). So it’s hard not to talk about the others while you talk about gun rights extremism, but I’ll try because that’s a whole can o’ worms there and I could go on for way too long. Officially, the gun rights movement is neutral on the left-right spectrum. In practice, it gets the overwhelming support and membership from various hard-right and far-right movements, and is not a place you want to be advertising your left wing views.

There are five keys to remember when dealing with the gun rights crowd on this kind of issue: 1. They believe any social problem (including the problem of shootings) can be solved by more guns. See the mantra of “The only thing that stops a Bad Guy with a gun is a Good Guy with a gun.” They marinate themselves in propaganda about lone heros single-handedly saving the day with their trusty self-defense weapon. Often they’ve convinced themselves that they – Mr 70YO doctor with no formal combat training or Ms overweight and out of shape 35YO business person who plays paintball once in a while – would be this Great Hero if something ever happened, and they’ll even express some eagerness over the idea in unguarded moments. They genuinely believe the only thing stopping them from being a hero is lack of opportunity. So when you pooh-pooh the idea of some middle-aged teacher with no combat training single-handedly stopping a school shooter because that’s fucking ridiculous (and it is fucking ridiculous don’t get me wrong – trained experts in that kind of tactical response have at best an 18% hit rate in real situations, can you imagine what an untrained person does?), you’re threatening their own self-image and making them feel personally insulted. Cuz, after all, they’re Joe or Jane Ordinary, too. 2. They believe any attempt to regulate gun rights whatsoever is the first step on a slippery slope to overarching totalitarianism, because if they don’t have their guns, there is nothing to stop (insert boogeyman here – the government, the New World Order, whatever) from taking over. They believe the above because most of them are right-wing authoritarians and fantasize about being the ones in control with absolute authority to do whatever the hell they want – and they feel if that’s what they want, that’s what everyone wants, and only constant vigilance will keep them and theirs free. 3. They believe that any incident involving a gun can be explained by other factors, other than the mere presence of the firearm. Baby shoots mommy in the grocery store and kills her because he was playing with her gun in her purse? That’s the mom’s negligence for storing her weapon improperly, not the gun’s fault (never mind they advertise some weapons as purse weapons…). School shooter? Mental health, not enough armed people in the school to respond, terrorism if the shooter is brown, if the shooter didn’t have a gun he’d use a bomb or a knife, etc. Crime? Tougher policing is needed, not “punishing” the lawful gun owners for the actions of the criminals! I could go on. 4. Their primary tactics in these cases is to delay, deflect and distract. Step 1: Delay. This is not the time to talk about gun control. How dare you politicize this tragedy? Step 2: Deflect. The problem isn’t guns in school, it’s [other issue – violent video games, mental health, whatever]. Step 3: Distract. If you really want to protect children, why don’t you [arm teachers/set up SWAT teams and an armed perimeter on every school/etc]? or Those kids weren’t really victims – they were crisis actors! They know what they’re saying is ridiculous, but that’s not the point – the idea is to buy time for the public attention to move somewhere else, because they know that once public attention is no longer on an issue, the government isn’t going to act. 5. Under no circumstances will they ever argue honestly. They will say they support “reasonable” gun control, but they are lying. They want to seem reasonable so they pretend a compromise can be found and instead work to sabotage it by finding ridiculous sticking points until you give up in frustration, and then they’ll paint you as the bad guy.

So, what I’m saying is: No tragedy will ever be enough for the gun rights crowd. The True Believers are in a cult to the god of gun culture. Nothing will convince them head-on. They pretty much have to find their own doubt somehow and de-radicalize. And the others are too amoral to give a shit. Weirdly, the too-amoral ones are the ones it’s easier to reach – if you can convince them it’s better for them to side with you, they’ll change camps. Think the Republicans who all of a sudden found in their hearts a bit of support for gun control measures in the past week.

As hard as it is to do, what the US needs to do to make progress on this issue is to completely write-off the gun rights crowd and go after the moderate and mainstream conservatives, the swing voters, and the left wing. If you can make it obvious it’s political suicide to take NRA money and support NRA positions, that’s how you win. The kids from Parkland are doing a great job – by refusing to let the three Ds work. They insist they want to be talking about gun control, so they refuse to delay. They redirect the conversation back to guns by providing counter-evidence to the claim and returning back to the topic at hand. And they make fun of the outrageous ideas but – critically – refuse to be distracted. If you control the political conversation, as the kids are doing, you control where politics goes.

The gun control issue itself is more complicated than either side is making it out to be right now - on the one hand, strict gun control does directly result in a drop in mass shooting events and a drop in the lethality of mass casualty attacks. On the other hand, poorly applied gun control can and will lead to a racist end result (think ‘stop and frisk’ - the law doesn’t have to be explicitly racist to be applied in a racist way). Those are both important, valid points that are in need of discussion. I do believe in the end, waiting periods, safety regulations, licensing of owners, and mandatory training is all going to be a net positive - but then, that’s pretty close to the system we have up here, and I’m white, so I admit I might have some implicit bias there. I don’t pretend to have all the answers. I do claim to know the inside of the gun rights movement, because I grew up in it. 

[blueraith]

Less funny post, but:

These movies also heavily feature the Catholic Church. Same church I was raised in, don’t follow anymore with the exception of holidays with my family, and heavily resent.

I prefer not to think of it most days, and when I do, I joke about how bad of a Catholic I am. Very bad. The worst.

But these movies the Church is front and center in, and I find myself thinking about them and my relation to them. I used to be a far better Catholic. Not a perfect one. I did find myself stuck in between what I could see for myself and what faith meant to me. Faith is something I still grapple with. I suppose it means something different to everyone, but I’ve never been much of a faithful person. Why believe in something if you can’t prove it? I find comfort in things like numbers, statistics, and trends. It means that whatever it is I’m looking at has happened before, this was how it panned out, what people did, and how it ended. Rinse and repeat for a vast variety of subjects.

Faith, on the other hand, means believing in something that may not even be real. That no one has seen. That you just have to hope is real.

I’ve tried that before. I used to pray every night. As a kid it was about dumb stuff. That kid’s prayer one will see in movies a lot. Praying for a Christmas present. That my school bully wouldn’t mess with me the next day. Those were easy prayers to ‘answer.’ If such a thing was happening. People like to say God challenges you. Well, I’d like to think that I challenged God as a teenager. Because that was when my prayers started to get more serious.

My ADHD hit around the eighth grade. That was when I started to fall apart academically. I didn’t happen all at once nor did I completely collapse all in one moment, but between that time and the time I graduated, it was a rollercoaster of failure, developing mental illness, and constant, nightly prayers that desperately hoped for something to change. To get better. For an answer or even a goddamned hint as to why this kept happening. Why couldn’t I just do my homework? Why was I always overwhelmed to the point of feeling sick? Why couldn’t I get out of bed sometimes? Why did I feel this way? Why was I doing these things? Why?

I hate that question, because that was one I was asked by my parents, teachers, and administrators constantly. Why? I don’t know. That’s not an answer. I don’t know. Why not? How can you not know what’s wrong with you? I don’t know.

See, I pray to this guy every night, and nothing happens. I wake up to the same repeating nightmare over and over again. My parents call me a failure and eventually, I see myself as one too. Because I was smart enough for the grades they wanted. My teachers and administrators were so confused as to why a previous straight A student could just systematically collapse like this for seemingly no reason.

It was maddening. Oh. I remember sitting on the couch and getting absolutely roasted by my parents for an answer as to why I couldn’t just pass my classes. For hours. The stress eventually got to me, and I distinctly remember telling my dad I hated him in a fit of anger. Man. That was the last time he ever spanked me. It sucked.

And you know, I didn’t get answers until I was twenty-two years old. Long after I stopped praying. Long after I was out of the view of the adults who really should have noticed what was wrong. I went after answers on my own. Got a therapist, who suggested a psychiatrist, got evaluated, and suddenly, I do have a mental illness on top of a disorder. Oh, man. My mom used to ask mockingly if I had some kind of learning disorder.

“What do you have ADHD or something? Do you need medication?”

Why, yes, mother. Medication would have actually helped a hell of a lot.

Too bad nobody ever answered my fucking prayers and had anybody notice a god fucking thing and sent me to a mother fucking doctor to get this shit sorted out. I slipped through the cracks, and I will forever resent certain people for that. My parents for one. That bitch high school counselor I had, who I talked to regularly, who barely enjoyed her job, said trite things to me every meeting, and never did actually ask me any real questions.

So, science ended up saving the day. Soft science, perhaps, but a real science, nonetheless.

But that’s not the only thing that led to my resentment of the Catholic Church. Because, all of the above is really just the first sledgehammer sized hole knocked into my sense of faith as a whole. I didn’t become angry at the Church itself until I realized I might just be gay.

That was a tough one. First, I didn’t even know gay people was a thing until I got into junior high and heard kids joking, mockingly or course because I live in Texas, about them. Didn’t even know homosexuality as a concept. No wonder it took me until twenty fucking years old to realize what was up with me. Geez. Anyway, I eventually did realize that I was possibly gay, and then proceeded to have an existential crisis.

Because gay people aren’t hidden from you, aren’t renounced as a ‘lifestyle choice’ and ‘sin’, unless the purpose is to make you hate them. I mean, Catholics who believe this shit might say that ‘hate’ is a strong word, but that’s what they believe when you get right down to it. I’ve heard my grandparents enough times to know that. “Hate the sinner, not the sin” is a bullshit lie. They hate the sinner too.

I had a lot of beliefs that threatened to crush me. I tried to literally pray the gay away. And, like before, received no sign that I was even heard, let alone answered. It’s absolutely crushing to grow up religious, led to believe that someone’s always listening, that you can turn to this person if you can’t go to anyone else, and then when you absolutely need them:

Nothing fucking happens.

I mean, yeah, sure, I didn’t expect God himself to come down and solve my problems. But, if this religious stuff was to be believed, he was supposed to act through others. If God had heard me, I would have been noticed struggling in highschool. That didn’t happen. If God had heard me, I would have been able to find some kind of sexual feeling towards men. Neither of those things happened.

Turned to him. Twice. And was either ignored, or just wasn’t heard.

For a formerly religious person, this hurt a lot.

But what ended up being the final nail in the coffin was when I turned to the Church itself for answers.

When I realized that this gay concept wasn’t going to go away.

Well, if it wasn’t going away, if it was my new normal, then what did the Church expect me to do with it?

My mother has a catechism book. It’s thick, and heavy, and dry, and the pages are about as thin as an actual bible’s, and small printed. The index was a thing to behold. I looked up homosexuality in it.

And what I found was what finally made me angry. At all of it.

Because the Church believed that what I was going though was either a ‘trial of abstinence’ or a call to serve.

My choices were either to never act on any of my sexual or romantic feelings for the rest of my life.

Or become a nun.

I’d always struggled with the story of Job. That story seemed cruel to me. Excessively so. I mean, what kind of God just goes out and absolutely torments an innocent man, worse a man who believes in him with all his heart, just to get in a pissing contest with the devil? I mean, this is an all knowing, all powerful being. The devil basically told God, “Na-na, I bet I can get this guy to believe in me more than you! What are you gonna do about it, huh?”

And then God did his best to destroy this man, just to see if Job would still believe in him in the end.

The story, of course, ends with Job still believing in God, God gives him back everything he took (which includes the guy’s family for fuck’s sake) as if to say, “Psych! Just fucking with you, man! Tee-hee!”

You mean to tell me that God was so fucking insecure, that he spiritually, mentally, and emotionally tormented a human being to his breaking point, just to prove his superiority to the devil?

Fuck that.

That story was the only thing I could think of when I read that in the catechism. I didn’t want to be a trial or a test. My life was mine. I didn’t want to have my faith tested or some shit. I just wanted what everyone else got to have. The option to get married. Maybe have kids if I was so inclined. I don’t even know if I want that stuff, but the fact that some being whose never heard a goddamned thing I’ve ever asked of him just thought he could close the door on those options, without even so much as asking me, it stung. Worse than that, it was infuriating. It was the last straw, because it felt like my life was a joke to him.

I remember closing that book and going to bed.

The fiery resentment didn’t kick in till later when I processed all this over the course of a couple of years. When people tell me about ‘God’s plan’ and shit like that, I just feel it in my chest. That anger. They say that about all kinds of things. Gay people trying to abstain. People dying too young. All part of ‘God’s plan.’

It’s a shitty fucking plan if you ask me. I don’t want any part of it. I don’t find comfort in it. And I sure as hell don’t want to be told about it. Because if God has a plan that involved tormenting me to the point of potential suicide, then I was going to systematically go through every single thing I believed in and determine whether or not that belief needed to be changed. For my own mental health. If what I believed in made me hate myself, then it needed to be changed.

Religious or politically inclined, those beliefs were flipped seemingly over-night. (It took just over two years. Hardest fucking thing I’ve ever done. Changing your entire belief system is not easy and if I had to do it again, I’d do it with the help of a therapist because this shit was emotionally backbreaking.) My mother just doesn’t get it. She thinks all of this is because of her. That I became a ‘raging liberal’ overnight just to spite her.

No Mom, I became a ‘raging liberal’ because I didn’t want to kill myself over the toxic beliefs the Church uses on its members. Because God never answered my prayers. Because I didn’t want to be a living ‘trial’ and I sure as hell didn’t want to end up serving a nebulous being that put me in this situation in the first place. Become a fucking nun?! Are you serious? After the shit you’ve already put me through? No.

I’m sorry. This rant is particularly long, sad, and angry. I’m mostly making it because I’ve been reminded of it by the movies I’ve been watching, and because I know I’m going to actually be talking about these thoughts very soon. I’m sure my parents will bring up religion when I come out.

Hoo-man. I’m gonna have to come out twice in one conversation. Once for sexuality, and second for my less than stellar views on religion. I don’t know if I’m strictly atheist. I’d like to think that something’s out there. But I’m currently mad at that something. If it wants to talk to me or judge me, then it can do it when I fucking die. Clearly it doesn’t want to talk while I’m alive.

[calyssmarviss]

Calyss Watches the Clone Wars - 39

Today - and two days after that and damn how comes it takes me so long each time? those episodes are 20 minutes long - I’m watching 02x14 - Duchesse of Mandalore.

Recap Dude: “A DIPLOMATIC MISSION...”

Me, laughing gleefully: “I missed you!!!”

Ugh. Dooku got long nails. Just like my english teacher in high school. I don’t like it. *look at my nails* I’ve got to cut those. I DON’T LIKE LONG NAILS.

I have a deja vu feeling... Hum, maybe it’s because there is some similitude between that Death Watch thing and the plot of Bloodline... OH MY GOD SHUT UP SATINE.

I'm sorry but she comes before the Senate to say that she doesn't want the Republic to meddle with Mando stuff like she couldn't have sent a sms to tell them that then what's his name - ya know, that guy who lurks in Palpatine's shadow... Mas Amedda??? I'm gonna check it out... YES THAT'S HIM I'M IMPRESSED WITH MYSELF I KNOW JACKSHIT ABOUT THIS GUY BUT SOMEHOW I REMEMBERED HIS NAME???? - says she's an idealist she's like "HOW INSULTING I'M A PACIFIST" like, girl, even you got to admit that it's JUST NOT POSSIBLE IN TIME OF WAR. The only reason she's not dead or hasn't used violence yet is because there is people *cough*Obi-Wan*cough* who got their hands dirty to save her ass!

Being a pacifist is only one of her many privileges and the more I see that woman, the less I like her.

Yo Padmé.

One thing makes me roll my eyes in Star Wars is how at any given time there seems to be only like 3 good senators in function. And by good I mean “genuinely interested in the well being of the Galaxy in its entirety”. The others are either following the party line or just gunning for themselves and I know it’s because you can’t have too many Important Characters but... *sigh* I’m pretty sure half the Senate rolled their eyes along with me when Padmé’s pod began floating.

I’m now convinced that the only reason Obi-Wan grew a beard was so he could do that with it.

Dude died on Kalevala? Like, as in “Satine of Kalevala”? What is this fuckery I thought she was from Mandalore? I must investigate.

Okay so Kalevala is in the Mandalorian system. Her father Adonai Kryze was a warlord who died during the Great Clan War. Idk how she came to power but it must have been in a power vacuum after all the older mandos killed each other, certainly appealing to the people’s need for some respite. 

OKAY I MAY DISAGREE WITH HER BUT WHAT THE SHIT PALPATINE THIS IS AN INDEPENDENT WORLD WHATEVER THEIR NEED IF THEIR LEADER DON’T WANT THE HELP YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY IT’S NOT A THING YOUR SENATORS CAN VOTE ABOUT.

WOW GUYS CHILL. Your a tiny bit too aggressive toward the Obes for my taste here. Also, for pacifists.

Are those Force Pikes??? Like, the weapons the Emperor’s guards will use? Like the one Ransolm Casterfo describes as torture instruments in Bloodline? The kind of weapon that, even if it doesn’t kill you, makes you endure such a pain that you rather be dead or something?

SATINE YOU HYPOCRITE.

Obi-Wan: "We're friends, are we not?" Satine: "Yes, friends and nothing more."

Uh, the friendzone looks like a bitter place, Satine.

STOP YELLING AT HIM.

Seriously, I hope she gets some character growth by the end of the episode and if not in later arcs because she’s only been amusingly annoying and annoyingly annoying until this point. And I would like it to be noted that I wanted to like her. Really. But I’ve apparently be led on by fanon and now I’m not even sure I want her to be Rey’s grandma :(

Before I go... do stuff, I wanted to say that even if I spend a lot of this post (and the two before that and also the ones that happen in Nut City) complaining about it I wanted it to be clear that I have nothing against pacifism in itself. But as everything in this world, take it to the extreme and it becomes stupid.

Two days later:

Obi-Wan: "Rushing in like this, it's... It's foolhardy." Satine: "Ironic words from a man who spends his days running hither and yon, wielding his lightsaber with deadly force as if on a crusade. Why should I listen to someone Who so frequently relies on violence? In my opinion, you're the one who's foolhardy."

1) IT’S HIS JOB 2) He did not choose it (even if he does seem to enjoy it, judging by Ewan Mcgregor’s frequent grin as he handsomely poses with his lightsaber raised) and was literally abducted as a child then raised to be a warrior. What do you want him to do? Just give it all up for your pretty eyes? 3 Goddamn I wish someone had written about that mission pre tPM that way I could have pulled out the receipts on how many times he did save her by using violence.

HOW COMES NO ONE EVER THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT PALPATINE??? ... lol I was gonna say something like “say what you want about Anakin but dude ended up discovering the truth” but then I remembered that Palpatine nearly had to spell it out for him and even then it took like five full minutes to reach his brain. I think all those electrocutions damaged that poor boy.

MAS AMEDDA IS ACTUALLY DOING STUFF IN THIS EPISODE. Like using Satine’s words against her. See? This would not have happened with a blaster. I mean... OKAY, this could totally happen with a blaster but he would have to wrestle it out of her hands first, instead of just.... talk.

Again: BUT MANDALORE ISN’T PART OF THE REPUBLIC??? LIKE WHO CARES WHAT THE SENATE DECIDES??? See? That would not be a problem if you had an army. OKAY this would kinda be one because resisting the Republic’s intervention would probably be taken as a sign that the Mando are aligning themselves with the Separatists... But it wouldn’t if most of the Senators actually had brains and recognize that this is an INDEPENDENT System that didn’t asked for help. *cringe* politicians...

OH LOOK IT’S MON MOTHMA! Funny she looks a lot like Obi-Wan here. She could be his hidden sister.

ARE THEY SERIOUS???

I didn’t even had to take a screenshot that was one I had saved from #36. 

Lol my subtitles put the word “duchess” in places where people aren’t actually saying it. Someone was feeling extra polite.

SATINE! I KEEP READING ABOUT HOW FASHION IS SO IMPORTANT TO YOU BUT!!! PUTTING YOUR HAIR UP UNDER A HOOD??? THAT’S A FAUX PAS GIRL!

She could put twice her head in there.

Bet you’re wishing you were a Jedi, now, Satine. Obi-Wan cuts people’s limbs off - even kill them, if he’s in the mood - like, right in the middle of a bar and no one will lift a finger. Now someone killed the dude you were standing next to and BAM you got all the droid-cops after you!

Why tCW!Dooku always looks like he’s in his pjs?

OH SO NOW YOU WANT HIS HELP

Big rock? Is that... the tip of a mountain? Wait! Those are restaurants, around it... So... /check Wokieepedia/ Oh yeah that’s totally Monument Plaza and sometimes I’m surprised by the things I can remember.

Woooo there are some spoilers there. And stuff that’ll never happen in the current canon :/

The Death Watch theme kinda starts (to my untrained ears) like the Imperial March and I do not like it.

tbh I captioned this one just so i could redraw it later

why is Obi-Wan sneaking in the Senate? no one is searching for him (did they have a conversation about this? Lol I can remember Monument Plaza from 2 months old researches but not what the two protags talked about five minutes ago)

What did I say two days ago? Holodude is talking about peace and they’re showing Chuchi and Mothma. Like, ad to that Organa and Amidala and that’s it. That’s the Senators on the Good Side. Pfff.

Hahahaha. Anakin’s showing up to receive the congratulations of the Chancellor. As if he’d actually done anything in this episode.

Prev/Next

[dothewrite]

Seijoh has a female manager, and she happens to be Oikawa and Iwa's long time childhood friend — she and Oiks are completely oblivious to each other's feelings, like everyone in the team already knows except for them? Hehe sorry if this is too specific!!

Oikawa? A lady killer? In his dreams, maybe, but when it comes to actual matters of the heart I promise that he’s a clueless amoeba. Cue, Iwaizumi to the rescue. I hope you enjoy this little fic of silly!

Now Iwaizumidoesn’t think that he should be considered a very observant person. Sure, hepicks up on things that he needs to, but he doesn’t have the persistence to beable to really uncover something that someone’s actively trying to hide. Whichmakes this all the more pathetic, in his opinion, because at this rate even ablind pigeon with a faulty sensory system would be able to notice the amount oftension in the air each time the two of them are in the same room.

Out ofeveryone too, they’d all banked on Oikawa being the perceptive one. Heck, hisentire volleyball career is based on him being the most observant out of all ofthem- the one who picks up on playstyle, predictive movement and analysing potentialplays. He literally does this every day,so why, why does this idiot not notice the incredibly suffocating atmosphereeach time they finish practice?

IwaizumiHajime is no matchmaker. But sometimes enough is enough, and if this is what ittakes to stop the betting pool from growing into unrealistic proportions (Imean, he’s a high schooler, he can’t afford a car for goodness’ sake), actions must be taken.

He startswith the small things. They’re in the same club, sure, but they’re in the sameschool too, and the same year. Itshouldn’t be that difficult, he decides, even if both of them are blind asbats. Attempt one involves him really awkwardly standing in the middle of thecorridor waiting for both of them to show up after school to shop for new trainers. It’s possibly theworld’s most cliché plot, but he’s getting points for effort, not originality.Both you and Oikawa look at his shoes with raised eyebrows and Iwaizumi sighs.Alright, they’re pretty new, but he supposes he can make a sacrifice for hisbest friends. His idiot best friendsthat give him so much grief about overspending on the way to the store that hewants to chuck them both in a trash compactor and be done with it.

It doesn’twork, of course. He just ends up with a frayed temper, two highly amusedfriends and an empty wallet. He swears never again to treat either of them todrinks, because a cappuccino should not cost more than a meal and be made withbeans imported from Atlantis or somewhere.

His nextattempt goes a little better, if a little less effective. They don’t actuallymanage to spend time together, but he manages to corner Oikawa in the lockerroom right after practice and squeezes some truth of out of him. Iwaizumisettles for 75% truth, because any higher and it’d be an impostor.

“Do you likeher?” He asks a bewildered Oikawa, straight and to the point.

“Who?” Thegit tilts his head in feigned ignorance and Iwaizumi smacks him.

“Who elsehave you been staring at all the time with that pining expression on your face?”

“Iwa-chan, Idon’t pine,” Oikawa scrunches up hisnose like the mere insinuation that he could have human feelings is beneathhim, “I merely admire.”

Iwaizumirolls his eyes. “Pine, admire, pop a boner for- it’s all the same. C’mon, thetruth.”

Oikawa looksrather indignant at being put on the spot with his uniform pants safely out ofreach and behind Iwaizumi, so it’s not like he can make a break for it. So,laboriously, he answers. “Is it that obvious?”

“Shittykawa,I’m pretty sure the school’s going to make banners out of your mooning faces ifit gets any more obvious.”

Oikawa’seyes widen. “So the team knows?!”

Iwaizumisnorts. “Of course the team knows. I’m pretty sure the only one who doesn’tknow is her.”

“You’re not goingto say anything are you?! Iwa-chan, don’t tell me you’re going to turn traitor.”

“Okay,”Iwaizumi frowns and presses an accusing finger into Oikawa’s heaving chest. “Firstof all, you’re both unfortunately my best friends and absolute morons, so there’sno ‘turning traitor’ when I’m on nobody’s side. Secondly, you should tell herbefore we all go broke from betting on you two.”

“What’s thebetting pool at?” Oikawa seems to perk up at the idea, and a wicked smirkcreeps over his expression. Iwaizumi feels like he’s signing himself away to ademon when he tells him.

“Around 17-kyen.”

Oikawa letsout a low whistle. “Wow, I’mflattered!”

“You shouldn’tbe,” Iwaizumi mutters irritably, but he knows it’s not going to make adifference either way. “Hurry the fuck up and admit it.”

“Why? I’mgoing to make someone rich, y’know. So much money isn’t to be scoffed at as astudent.”

“Yeah?”Iwaizumi’s quite done at this point. His point’s been made, and the idea’s beenplanted. There’s nothing left for him to do this evening, so he pulls back andstarts packing his things into his bag. Oikawa just stands there with his backto the wall like he’s been pinned there by some invisible force of theuniverse. “Look,” Iwaizumi finally says, hefting his stuff over his shoulderwith a hand on the doorknob, “sure, someone’s going to go rich, someone’s goingto go broke- but you’re gonna be stuck here with those feelings of yours untilsomeone graduates and you’re never going to be able to tell her how you feel. So,man up.”

He doesn’tglance backwards to see Oikawa’s expression before he leaves. He catches youreye outside in the hallway, waiting for both of them to walk home after school,and Iwaizumi lifts a hand in greeting.

The bestnews he’s heard all week, he thinks, is that he doesn’t need to make an attemptthree. Honestly, there’s not much else he thinks he can do other than go to youand confront you about your feelingstoo (which, he thinks he should have done first because you’re miles easier totalk to than Oikawa), but all that is saved, thank goodness, when he receives atext at two thirty in the morning from Shittykawa telling him that he’s goingto talk to her tomorrow at practice.

It’s thebest sleep he’s had in ages, and he finds himself actually looking forwards topractice afterschool that day.

It’s apretty average day- all three of your meet at the crossroads of your respectivestreets to head to school together. Oikawa’s got his arm around the both youand Iwaizumi, as usual, and there’s almost no difference from any other day-that is, if both of you hadn’t been around him since he was born. There’s noescaping the eyes of a hawk. You’re in a different class from both of them, butIwaizumi notices the extra chirpy ‘see ya!’ that Oikawa offers you, and thelittle bashful smile that colours your cheeks before the two of you part tostart the day. Iwaizumi does the decent thing, and doesn’t mention it at all.He doesn’t even look at Oikawa knowingly, which he thinks he deserved at leastfifteen brownie points for.

The thingthat gives it away for the team, however, is during practice. Oikawa’s as sternand serious as always whenever there’s volleyball involved, but this afternoonhe barely spares you a glance, not even when you’re directly handing him hispersonal bottle that he’d forgotten at home this morning. Hanamaki only nudgesIwaizumi in the ribs rather painfully, and jerks his head towards the non-spectacle.Yahaba just scoffs at his wimp of a captain, and even Issei, usually the one who pretendshe’s not interested in it out of respect for you, shakes his headdisappointingly.

“That’scold,” he murmurs to Iwaizumi, and Iwaizumi has to agree. “Is he planning ondoing something today?”

“That’s whathe messaged me,” Iwaizumi murmurs back, and Hanamaki makes a suffocating noisein the background.

“I knew ourcaptain was a tsun,” Hanamaki comments, “but she’s too sweet to even notice thathe is. She probably just thinks she’s done something to piss him off today.”

EvenKyoutani makes a disgusted face at the sound of that, and Iwaizumi, again, hasto agree. “She knows him so well but when it comes to some things…”

“Theydeserve each other,” finishes Issei, and the whole team just nods in assent.

“The blind leadingthe blind- or something,” Yahaba just tuts as he waves the betting sheet aroundin the air, and they all gravitate towards him, eyes never leaving yourslightly put off figure the entire time. Everyone holds their breath collectivelywhen you make a move to return to the coach’s side, but Oikawa places a veryshaky hand on your arm to stop you.

“Wait-“ hebegins, and you find yourself heating up in ways you thought were only limitedto industrial sized ovens.

“H-hm?” youstutter, and you look mildly frustrated at your own tongue for that. Oikawa, onthe other hand, doesn’t notice it at all and instead pulls you to one side inwhat he thinks is an inconspicuous corner. The only people who don’t notice arethe coach and the teacher, and the rest of Aoba Jousai watches on with baitedbreath.

“I,” Oikawastarts, before he removes his hand from you and starts to pull at his shirtnervously, “Iwa-chan told me something the other day.”

You nod,anticipating a story of some sort that ends with Oikawa being roasted, again.

“He saidthat we’re going to graduate soon, and…” his tongue trips him over severaltimes, and you feel your nerves run laps around your pulse. “That I should saysomething before I regret not… saying…”

“This isn’tlike you, Tooru,” you joke, a small smile gracing your features because it’sthe only way you know how to comfort him right now, “you’re usually so sure ofanything you’re going to say.”

“Well that’sbecause usually I know exactly how it’s going to be received,” Oikawa respondsproudly before deflating again. He’s blushing, which is a natural wonder initself and you can’t help but mirror it four-fold. You’re too busy staring atthe floor, but Oikawa catches the way your cheeks redden and your lower lip beingworried between your teeth and he can’t help but resign himself to his fate.

That “I’mcompletely in love with you”- and he wants to die right there because that’s absolutelynot what he wanted to say. It doesn’t sound cool at all, and the team sort of has a small stroke because they’d neverexpected their wuss of a captain to say something so bold. A stuttered, ambiguousconfession perhaps, but not this.

Your face islike a fire alarm. You press your cheeks between your hands, hoping to coolthem down, but no such luck- at least Oikawa looks absolutely mortified, whichkeeps your embarrassment company at least.

“I…” you’reflailing in your mind, “r-really?”

Oikawa lookshorrified, but he nods anyway and despite all odds, despite the incredibly embarrassing, for the fourth time,atmosphere, a wide smile breaks through your face and there are almost relievedtears clinging at your lashes.

“Thankgoodness!” You exclaim with relief, “I thought that I’d have to graduate withoutanyone ever knowing!”

“Knowingthat… I like you?” Oikawa’s lower lip starts to tremble.

“No, idiot,”you grin at him, your own lips equally wobbly, and the two of you must make aridiculous sight. “That I like you too.”

And then,Oikawa evaporates. Or rather, he feels like he’s about to, but what happensinstead is that you’re tugging him into a fierce hug that he can’t do anythingbut reciprocate, and faintly out of his consciousness he hears clapping goingon.

“Idiot,” yourepeat into his chest, and he smiles too, because now that the embarrassment’sgone, he’s finally realizing what’s happening and good lord, he wishes he weren’tsuch an idiot, like you said, and did this earlier.

“I’m ahandsome idiot, at least,” he tries to argue, but it’s all silenced when youpull him down by the towel around his neck and press a soft kiss against his lips that just won’tshut up. He does, finally, when he realizes that it’s okay to actually do thisand not just fantasize about it, and his arms wrap around your waist to pullyou in deeper into the best kiss of his life.

Iwaizumifeels exceptionally pleased that evening when he walks home, alone. He doesn’teven mind that its’ chilly and he forgot his jacket in the locker room, becausehe’d been far too pleased with the huge bulge in his wallet made from Hanamaki’stears.

“I thoughtwe were friends,” Hanamaki had wailedat him, but Iwaizumi had only shrugged, and even Issei threw an unsympatheticstare at his best friend.

“Cold hardcash,” Iwaizumi had replied, before closing the door behind him and feelinglike all his trouble had been well paid for.

[fabulizemag]

28 days of supporting Black creatives and small businesses

New Post has been published on https://fabulizemag.com/2019/02/28-days-of-supporting-black-creatives-and-small-businesses/

28 days of supporting Black creatives and small businesses

As we conclude Black History Month and head into Black HERstory month aka Women’s History month, we wanted to compile a comprehensive list of black creates and businesses to support. Please support black creatives year round. Let them know they are visible; even if you don’t but their goods, share their work with others. Be the word of mouth, share their social media and leave good reviews on their business pages.

Crown of Curls

Crown of Curls “I officially started Crown of Curls about 3 years ago. Initially I was making hair creams, and I only gave them to family and friends. I now make a larger range of products, from body butters to conditioning leave-in sprays. Every item is handmade using natural ingredients. All products can be tailored to fit your needs. I also offer completely custom-made hair creams and hair oils. While anyone can use my products, all items are made with kinky-curly hair in mind. ”

You can find them on IG and Facebook.

Ben Reynolds is an animator working on a few projects. He has Kerlash and he’s working on an hip hop animation series.

“Subscribe to me on Youtube! I have an animated web series about a ninja girl in artschool. I only have 2 episodes so far but I’m currently working on the next one. There’s also tutorials and videos of me ranting about animation. I have another fairly new youtube channel where I make AMV’s based on hiphop and R&B. I only have one video up so far, but will start updating more regularly once I wrap up some other things I’m working on.”

Whole As Wednesdays

WholeAsWednesday

Whole as Wednesdays is a podcast where the black femme working-class perspective is centered.

Banks of Commune

Banks of Commune “Banks of commune’s serums, masks, oil cleansers, and polishes are enriched with omega balanced fatty acids, helping skin to maintain the healthy oil and water balance our skin needs. skin that has a balanced layer of protective oil has less inflammation, a stronger immune system, leading to smooth, clear, calm skin. the select ingredients counteract environmental pollution, and stress-related inflammation. facial muscles and skin need a workout as well. having a facial clears out debris and toxins, giving that glow a great platform to shine through. providing facials for 16 years, and consistently researching our skin’s processes has shown me that stress and imbalanced nourishment combine to wreak havoc on our bodies, which is reflected in our skin. regular facial treatments and your skin’s daily “food” encourages balanced skin. a banks of commune skin is radiant.”

Charlotte Banks is an esthetician and has been practicing for 16 years. She formulates skincare products with black skin and melanated skin centered.

You can find them on Instagram

Hello Boogie

Serving you the full urban art anime fantasy, Hello Boogie is a clothing brand that is about empowerment in all shapes and form. It’s a brand that screams ‘Fuck you!’ to the nay-sayers. It’s passive aggressive rebellion made fashionable. It’s that brand that hates getting up in the morning. It does not have time to deal with it’s co-workers bullshit. It’s going to wear what it wants even if it’s inappropriate, even if it’s “too much”.

It’s cool, it’s sexy, it’s dangerous.

Beauty Pop

Shan Walz owner of Beauty Pop Self-Care Shop

Beauty Pop is dedicated to the woman who wants to live her best life on her terms. With a focus on natural ingredients, remedies, and holistic life hacks, Beauty Pop is here to serve you! In addition to fostering a culture of sisterhood and support, we are here to ensure other small businesses win! Come on in to Beauty Pop and let us enhance your dopeness.

About Shan Walz: I own Beauty Pop, a self-care shop in Norfolk, VA. I sell all natural soaps, hair, bath, and yoni products in addition to loose leaf herbal teas (hand blended by yours truly) and dessert teas. I also carry books and handmade accessories by local Black owned businesses. I’m also hosting a Free Baby Food Drive to assist families who won’t receive nutrition benefits in February due to the government shutdown. I literally picked vegetables from a farm and HANDMADE baby food to distribute from my shop, free of charge to those needing the service.

You can find them on IG and Facebook.

Inner Wisdom Doula and Lactation Services

Inner Wisdom Doula and Lactation

About Kendra:

“I’m a birth & postpartum doula, Certified Lactation Counselor, & Placenta Encapsulation Specialist serving the MetroWest Boston area. If you’re looking for a doula, lactation support, placenta encapsulation and/or you just like things birth, breastfeeding, & babies, come check out my page.”

Visit their IG for more info.

Drinking With Blerds

Drinking With Blerds is where two Caribbean-ish black millennial professionals unpack all the mysteries of life over drinks. Tune in as we discuss things like bad high school memories, adulting, being black and young in the workplace, a bunch of things going on in popular culture, all the the problematic shit going on in the world, and pretty much anything we want to talk about. Also we’re petty so listeners beware. Cheers!

Small Scale Styles

About Nina: “Well hello there, my lovelies! My name is Nina and I love making things. Art, craft, music, trouble. Those are my jams! This shop came about because I started making things for my niece’s doll. I soon discovered, how much I love making doll fashions. I also found I really enjoy customizing dolls so most of the dolls you will see in my shop, I redesigned to my liking!

This shop may be new to Etsy but I’m not. I have a metalsmithing jewelry shop (Beads In The Belfry) that I started in 2007 but is currently on hiatus. I hope you like what you see! I have so many ideas that I’ll be adding new things to the shop just as fast as my fingers can fly!”

Follow Nina and her pretty dolls on Instagram.

Griot Enterprises

Horsemen Graphic Novel

Home of The Horsemen and 4 Pages 16 Bars: A Visual Mixtape! The gods of Ancient Africa have returned to save humanity from itself… Whether we like it or not.

Find more black comics on Facebook.

Yarn Goddess Cosplay

Yarn Goddess Cosplay

Geeky. Crocheted. Local. Yarn Goddess Cosplay shows there is more to crocheting than just granny squares. Shop crop tops, bathing suits, pillows or place a custom order!

Amasia

Shane Paul Neil launches Amasia

About Shane Paul Neil: “I’m the CEO of a new business development agency, www.Amasia.io. I’m slowly getting back to writing. Check spnwrites on IG. Check out. BlackPodcastHub.com for a directory of Black podcasts. Finally, Unreasonable Fridays is the podcast crew.”

Breast Milk University

Breast Milk University is the favorite source for all breastfeeding related spiritwear and keepsakes. We know the breastfeeding journey inside out and we want to share our pride with the world. We are here to #normalizebreastfeeding and we know breastfeeding comes in many different forms. Every breastfeeding journey is not easy and doesn’t last forever but let’s celebrate the accomplishments we have made! Our hope is to inspire women to learn more about breastfeeding and find support in this community of milk makers!

Follow them on Facebook and Instagram.

AforFi

Power through representation

Afro-Fi TV

Dreaming Elephants Tutoring

Dreaming Elephants Tutoring

Meet Thomas Sumter:

“I’m the Owner and Founder of Dreaming Elephants Tutoring in Philadelphia, PA. We offer in home Academic Tutoring and Test Prep(ACT/SAT, ISEE/SSAT, GRE/GMAT) for all students K-12 and *College and Grad Students(for select classes). Our primary focuses are English/Language Arts, Math, and the Natural Sciences(Biology, Chemistry, Physics,etc). Two things will make us different than your typical Tutoring company. First,we are led by people with a history or background in Education. I personally have been tutoring for 13 years and anybody I hire must have at least 3 years of tutoring/teaching experience. The second thing that makes us different(and better), we create individual tutoring plans/guides for each individual client and their academic needs.

Just as your teachers would create a lesson plan for an entire class, we do the same thing for each of our clients. This lesson plan is available for the client, their parents and educators to follow along as we tutor with them each session.”

Find them on Facebook.

Che’la McClain

About Che’la: “I’m a poet and I’ve been writing for what’ll be 15 years in a few months. I’m also a model and I’d like to think my website has variety in its subjects.”

Che’la McClain received her Bachelor of Arts degree in Poetry/Creative Writing with an Education Minor from Columbia College Chicago in 2017. A Gary, Indiana native she began her higher education pursuit at Vincennes University where she received her Associate of Science degree in General Studies as she shaped her long term goals. Che’la is an avid reader and through her literary excursions she receives inspiration for her true life passion which is poetry. She acknowledges her most free and authentic expression is through both writing and performing in this art. Since high school she has performed many of her original works throughout the Indiana and Illinois area in such events as both annual “Louder than a Bomb” Poetry Slam, and “One Night Only” Talent Showcase. As her schedule permits, she frequents the “open mic” circuit in Chicago. In her limited spare time she busies herself with her other interest which include photography, sewing, music of all genres, and playing the acoustic guitar. Her passion for all areas of the arts is the impetus for her ultimate goal; to teach underprivileged or special needs children self-expression through the arts. Che’la lives in Chicago, Illinois and is currently working in customer service to support herself.

Come Taste Africa

Come Taste Africa

Taste of Africa is a multi-pronged African Food Culture and Lifestyle initiative aimed at exposing, showcasing and providing access-to-market for African Food Products and those involved in its industry. We provide an experiential African food journey, online African food knowledge, information and lifestyle content depicting the modern and historical narrative of African food.

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The Art of Teshika Silver

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Grow. Inside. Outside. The spaces in between. The first in a series of three. Come by this weekend to one of the places I’ll be vending and pick up a print to remind you to grow. Check my bio and Instagram story for event details.

A post shared by Teshika Silver (@astratesh) on Feb 21, 2019 at 12:35pm PST

Teshika is a creative with over 12 years of wide-range professional art experience. Illustration is her passion, using both traditional media as well as digital programs to create pieces that are both captivating and magical. She is also an intuitive graphic designer, working with local organizations and small business owners alike: be it by logo design, promotional pieces or other marketing collateral. She is currently a teaching artist at Hyde Park Art Center where she works closely with youth. She strives to create work that uplifts, heals and promotes the resilience of marginalized people.

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Holistic Heights

“As the great grandchild of an Indigenous Healer from the Island of Grenada, I could not escape my roots. Working in Corporate America for many years, I began to see colleagues grow sick, many even passing at a young age. I had become overwhelmed by the need to liberate myself and my loved ones from a modernity that denies an age old tradition of healthy lifestyle. On September 11th, 2001, I was pregnant with my first child, working near The World Trade Center / “Twin Towers”. When Tower One collapsed, I ran for my life, and it feels like I’ve been running ever since; running from illness and the general decay that can get the better of us when we fail to equate happiness with healthiness. After 9/11 my son and I developed severe cases of asthma and eczema. The idea of becoming a guinea pig for allopathic treatment was out of the question. I was determined to heal the bodies of my son and I naturally. This was my mission as well as the birth of Holistic Heights!

I received my professional training as a Holistic Health Practitioner from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition’s cutting-edge Health Coach Training Program, as well as Teachers College, Columbia University.

During my training, I studied over 100 dietary theories, practical lifestyle management techniques, and innovative coaching methods with some of the world’s top health and wellness experts. My teachers included Dr. Andrew Weil, Director of the Arizona Center for Integrative Medicine; Dr. Deepak Chopra, leader in the field of mind-body medicine; Dr. David Katz, Director of Yale University’s Prevention Research Center; Dr. Walter Willett, Chair of Nutrition at Harvard University; Iyanla Vanzant, one of America’s most profound spiritual leaders and acclaimed empowerment legends; Geneen Roth, bestselling author and expert on emotional eating; and many other leading researchers and nutrition authorities.

My journey in wellness led me to further advance myself in various holistic methods of healing. Realizing healing manifests in many forms, I later became a Reiki Practitioner, Reflexologist, Aromatherapist, Iridologist and Yoni Steam Spa & Yoga Practitioner. I am grateful for the opportunity to have met and studied under some of the best healers of our day, including Dr. Laila Afrika, world renowned physician, researcher, author and healer; Dr. Akua, naturopath, spiritualist and master teacher, International Operations Director for A Life of Peace Wellness Institute, Inc., an international holistic health education and wellness non-profit organization, Queen Esther Hydrotherapist & Nutritionist of Queen Esther’s Holistic Haven LLC in Brooklyn, NY. Master Reflexologist & Healer, Dr. El Ha Gahn; Sister Maa and Dr Sebi, world renowned healers and founders of The Fig Tree, The USHA Healing Village in Honduras, and The Electric Cell Food; Elder Mr. Hooker, Intuitive Energy Healer and Wellness Instructor; Dr. Paul Goss, Master Iridologist and best selling author; Sat-Ra Sobukwe SoDaye, Kemetic Reiki Master and Founder of the Yoni Steam Institute, & LIFE the most important, influential instructor of all.

My education and intuitive abilities has equipped me with extensive knowledge in holistic nutrition, health coaching, energy healing and preventive health. Drawing on these skills and my knowledge of living a holistic lifestyle, I work with my clients to help them make lifestyle changes that produce real and lasting results. My passion lies in educating, empowering and connecting one to their body’s innate ability to heal itself. It is our birthright.

Come join me…

My Approach

​*A different approach

I practice a holistic approach to health and wellness, which means that I look at how all areas of your life are connected. Does stress at your job or in your relationship cause you to over eat? Does lack of sleep or low energy prevent you from exercising? As we work together, we will look at how all parts of your life affect your health as a whole.

A health coach (or health counselor) is a wellness guide and supportive mentor. Together, we will work to achieve your goals in areas such as achieving optimal weight, food cravings, sleep and energy. Through working with me, you’ll develop a deeper understanding of the foods and lifestyle choices that work best for you and implement lasting changes that will improve your energy, balance and health.

*Bio-individuality

The concept of bio-individuality is that each person has her or his own food and lifestyle needs. One person’s food is another person’s poison, and thats why fad diets tend to fail in the long run. Working on the principle of bio-individuality, I will support you in making positive changes that are based on your unique needs, lifestyle, personal preferences, and background. Instead of prescribing one fix for all people, I use a personalized, holistic approach that is based on your needs.

*Everything is food

We are not only fed by food, but by other factors in our lives. Healthy relationships, a fulfilling career, regular physical activity and a spiritual practice are essential forms of nourishment. When these primary foods are balanced, what you eat becomes secondary.”

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[horrible-monstrosity]

the triggering continues................

Throughout episodes 5 and 6 the show acts like it's setting up some deconstruction-reconstruction thing regarding the place of witches in the modern day... buuuuut they can't quite make it work.

The main problem is that they haven't actually developed the magical part of the setting that well or deeply yet, especially how it fits in to the world outside the school. (Again it still fucking bothers me that magic doesn't work outside of the school and it hasn't been properly explained how you're ever supposed to get around this; that alone you'd think would disqualify any reason for it to be considered useful...) The magic system just seems to be pretty boilerplate with a little "quirky"-ness tacked onto it. The only really interesting thing I think we've seen is the ley line bus stop sign, which actually told us a bit about the world and magic system, that witches could ride these leylines on their brooms to somehow ease travel (given the sorcerer's stone thing, perhaps to save energy or serve as an alternative source of energy) and that it was like public transport to them. ... buuuuut then this was only seen briefly in episode one and promptly never brought up again. Why not have the kids ride the ley lines a bit in the Twilight episode once they escaped? Better yet, this one little detail destroys the ability of the setting to pass itself off as just le 100% generic magic witches school setting that might have been able to get away with minimal worldbuilding and just rely on "it's exactly what you expect, don't worry about it". Which would actually have been the setting you'd want to use for this if you're saying the silly frivolous idealized fantasy trope-world most people know and think of is outdated and flimsy. But now I find myself wondering about the details of this magic world, the exact culture and development and frame of mind that would have led to that sign... all of which would affect how it holds up to modern day tech.

Without that developed we can't really see how useful or useless or how out of date magic is supposed to be, so we just have to take characters' word for it... and that's basically what we've done. And then since there's no details to the magic, no one can say what it's actually good for so the only counterpoint we can have is Akko being so enthusiastic and shiny-eyed that her opponents just look at her and melt.

On the other hand, I find myself wondering why no one in the magic community has tried to modernize magic in even the slightest way. If there's some staunch traditionalists in places of power, that would explain why nothing's ever been changed, but not why no one's ever tried. You'd expect clashes of ideals. Especially given Akko is such a confrontational character- it would fit perfectly for her to end up having it out with some stuffy teacher over how magic is treated in the modern age.

Even weirder, Chariot's magic has been called "old-fashioned" before, even though it seems more flashy or modern compared to the staid structured no-nonsense magic the school teaches.

It also hurts the setup that we don't know how advanced technology is in this world that it can entirely replace magic. how technology is the technology that magic is *entirely* replaced? Even today, things like medicine and surgery aren't entirely perfect and have all sorts of risks and side effects. Technology- or rather, the energy used to power it- has costs like pollution. You'd think being able to magic someone well or power things with sorcerer stones or whatever would still be desirable as an alternative or at least a companion to modern tech. But all we get is dragon guy's comedical millions of screens with le funny graph things on them.

oh and then the episode right after this kills the entire thing by mentioning witches doing useful stuff with their magic like investigating crime scenes an shiet... so fuck that i guesssffff................

So the more I think about it, the less I understand what the point of Lotte and Sushi's characters even is. Like, we understand Akko, but why are the other two here? Sushi's just there for mushrooms and doesn't give a fuck about classes, okay, but how much does she know about witching to begin with? Is she experienced or does she just only give a fuck about her one area of interest and just ignores everything else? The other students seem to be basically novices, is she older than them or something? I just don't get her... thing. What is she?

And Lottie, just... why is she with these cunts? She's not particularly, like, trying to be the voice of reason for them, going after them when they start shit because she knows she's the only one who even has a chance of keeping them in line. She just... continues to exist in their general area. The twilight episode (gaggg) show she has her vices, but it doesn't take her anywhere near enough to the other two to be a "not so above it all" thing. She doesn't steal pies, she doesn't fucking straight up try to fucking kill people... Her only "crime" is being late to the entrance ceremony because she was in the general vicinity of the others. Even if that gets her saddled with the other two, just looking at them you'd think she'd be out of there on good behavior in no time. Or she'd get directly pulled into their bullshit and be blamed along with them more often, but she's kind of just... there when they fuck shit up.

So the Stick Rod and the arch gate thing are both tied to the Big Dipper/Ursa Major... I'm not quite sure why. It's not really a significant constellation you'd expect to be tied to any magical power, like, say... the Pleiades, maybe? cause, you know, gainax did a pleiades anime, an we wuz gainax n shieeeeetttttt It's occurred to me that the teacher's name was probably Ursula even back in the original (and I can't really be bothered to check) and so the "seven stars" was probably always the big dipper... but, like, I'm sticking to my guns here. It really feels like Trigger wanted to drag Houkago no Pleiades into their little incestuous cycle of small reference circles and endless self-backpatting, but they either were stopped because unlike Gurren Lagann (which was done right before they split off and I think had a lot of the same staff members) they really had fucking nothing to do with it (the shorts would have been made before the split but I don't know how much staff overlap there actually was), or they thought better of it... but not better enough to stop them from doing an erzats version instead of actually coming up with something original. So they swapped out the Pleiades for a different seven-star constellation (because they were really attached to the number, I guess?...), except they couldn't find one with anywhere near the level of lore and actual meaningful-ness (because that's just so hard) so they just... this. Come to think of it, I said before that Sushi is like a shit version of Nanako, and Pleiades has sort of a witch-like motif with the car broomsticks... hmmmmmmmmm.

If they wanted to stick with the Big Dipper, they could have done something cute like use a bunch of constellations that're well known to children and make it kind of cutesy and nostalgic. So say the stick has the little dipper on it because it's the "child" of the arch thing which has the big dipper, the school has some other constellation or stellar object as its main motif (instead of a... triskelion? why the fuck is it that? I can get the crescent moon they use for some of it but why is the triskelion also a thing?)

...... Anyway episode 5: i like how this readaptation of the ova plot just has some lizards randomly fucking came up and took the fucking stone... guess we don't really need any protection on the most important thing to the school or anything....... oh and then the teachers fuckijg punish akko and redhair for ALERTING THEM TO THE FUCKING THEFT OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO THE FUCKING ACADEMY BECAUSE THEY BRIEFLY STOPPED CLEANING TO DO IT... why is everyone in this universe just full-on turbo-cunt? also there's no backup systems at all? fucking nice

... the moon has the fucking trigger star on it? just like flatly pasted on. it's not like the moon is a sphere or anything. also why is it there? evangelion pandering? ... Come to think of it, for all the wanking Trigger does over its own works and anything from Gainax they can vaguely call their's, they've never really touched Eva even though it's a fucking cultural juggernaut. Well, there's a girl in Franxx who looks like an Asuka clone, but she doesn't seem to have the same personality at all (the first episode will probably be out by the time I post this but rest assured I won't be watching it any time soon..... gotta let that succ juice marinate)

episode 6: every second of akko's live is succ because she sucks at everything and fuck her, we get it already. something about this is just cringy and depressing to watch... this is the first time these girls have ever seen a male of the human species before

ep 7: akko is too braindead from trying to open a window all night and not sleeping to exams and if she fails she gets kicked out of the school and she's too shit fucking do anything right, we get it already urrrrrrrrhghg lol how'd she get a b minus for literally not flying at all. I... guess it's nice to see her getting a fucking break for trying for once, but still, what? and then akko fucking kills a professor and drops them down the sink. lol rip