#the same 'friends' who are apparently willing to drop you immediately if you dont say the right things in the right way to them

[snekdood]

anyways if you try to divorce me from my self insert you're literally invalidating who I am bc you cant admit to yourself that I'm actually a cool person and you do actually like me, sorry

[starglow-xx]

hello! may i request headcanons for chuuya having a crush on someone who's dense? like he could ask them out in the most straightforward way possible and it would still go over their head?

yes, yes of course you may!

sorry this took so long! my computer was out of commission for abt a week (or two..??)

but this is also my birthday writing piece for chuuya!! (4/29/21) i even added a small drabble thingy in addition to the hcs for the occasion hehe

from where i am, it is about fifteen minutes past midnight so it’s officially chuuya day here!!

happy birthday chuuya i love you! you deserve the whole world and everyone is willing to fight tooth and nail to ensure your happiness! we love you! 💗💗

anyways, i hope you all enjoy this! i kinda had some writer’s block but it was still a lot of fun to write! there might be some mistakes, but i’ll scan over it again later. reader is gender neutral! have fun!

chuuya having a crush on a dense! reader

nakahara chuuya x gn! reader

im cackling somebody help him

he’s frustrated bc you can’t take a hint or a thousand but he can’t even be mad bc he’s whipped

“look at you all dressed up today, wanna go out later? my treat?”

“oh really? thanks chuuya-san! you’re such a nice friend. i’ll go invite the others right now, i’ll see you later!”

“...”

fast forward to later in the evening and he finds himself at a little restaurant with the black lizard + higuchi and akutagawa

sigh

in unison all of them go, “thank you for the meal chuuya-san!” (except aku and hirotsu are quieter & and gin just a nods hehe)

“no problem” (ꐦ ´͈ ᗨ `͈ )

gin only pats him on the back in sympathy

he spends a lot of time trying to think of ways to make it absolutely and undeniably clear that he has feelings for you

he always fails

“(y/n) i like you”

“i like you too chuuya-san”

“really?”

“mhm”

“t-then will you—”

“you’re a really great friend! and superior too”

“...nevermind”

“oh were you saying something?”

“nah, just forget about it”

tachihara is laughing in the corner of the corridor

dont worry, chuuya made sure to get back at him

chuuya’s been pinning after you for years and frankly, his failed attempts to woo you has lead everyone to the breaking point

and i mean everyone

yes, even aku

hell even dazai

but dazai also thinks it’s funny, so he doesn’t mind all that much

okay bye bye dazai-san this headcanon set isn’t abt you rn

PLEASE EVERYONE FEELS SO BAD FOR HIM

they knew even if he kissed you, you still might not get it

so they decided to help him

super secret mission get chuuya and (y/n) together is a go!

they’re still working on a proper mission name, don’t mind them

they had a super secret strategy meeting!

you can bet your ass that they nearly got nothing done

akutagawa & kaiji weren’t much help, neither was higuchi, mori, or elise

tachihara nearly got killed for a thoughtless comment

“just tell them chuuya-san!”

“i already fucking did you ass!”

gin, hirotsu, and kouyou were the most helpful !!

hirotsu and kouyou both agreed on the idea that chuuya should try courting with bouquets of flowers instead of flat out asking you bc they knew you found them pretty

(even if you don’t identify as a female, flowers are for everyone no matter gender or sexuality! so let’s normalize giving flowers to everyone <33 )

gin didn’t speak but she used cards to communicate

everyone knew that you weren’t stupid (you wouldn’t have survived in the mafia if you were) but they did know that you were only stupid when it came to all this lovey dovey stuff

i mean, if chuuya gave you flowers every so often, there’s no way that you wouldn’t piece it together at some point

right...??

but kouyou assured him that even though you wouldn’t get it right away, you’d appreciate the gestures and that he’ll stand out more

she even said that if someone gave her flowers, she would appreciate it, whether or not she reciprocated their feelings

it takes guts to be so up front with your feelings after all

gin and hirotsu only nodded with her explanation

once again, this only provoked a reaction out of tachihara

“what do you know gin? i get the old man and kouyou-san, they’re grown, but you? what do you know abt courting? or flowers? what are you a girl?”

akutagawa choked on his cough, higuchi on air, and on the other side of yokohoma at the ada, dazai is cackling

yes, dazai somehow placed a listening device onto chuuya’s hat and was listening in

don’t ask how, it’s dazai

“DAZAI GET YOUR BANDAGED ASS OFF THE COUCH AND STOP LAUGHING”

anyways

the next day, chuuya did what was barely discussed and for once, things actually started to look up

until they started look to down again

at first, it actually looked like you understood his intentions after he gave you a bouquet of flowers

literally everyone was leaning against the opposite hallway you two were in and then they got excited !!

especially chuuya !

but then your expression sort of changed...??

and then in their heads they simultaneously went, “oh no”

they knew that expression

it was very familiar when you tended to friend zone chuuya

but boy let me tell you what you said next made them facepalm and or make their jaws drop

“ah, so you really are friend zoning me huh chuuya-san; what a shame, i really did like you”

LEMME TELL YOU WHEN I SAY THAT CHUUYA WAS DISTRESSED I MEAN HE WAS DISTRESSED

you liked him??

him of all people??

he wasn’t complaining, no of course not, but he still couldn’t believe it

but that wasn’t what he was really focusing on right now

what in any form or language did it say he was friend zoning you?!

flower language apparently

chuuya chose to buy the bouquet of yellow roses, pink carnations, and yellow carnations bc he thought you would appreciate the brighter colors, and so that you’d remember them better (because remembering them, meant remembering him)

but ooh boy

altogether, they meant the exact opposite message he wanted to send

someone help him pls

“you see chuuya-san, yellow roses mean friendship, pink carnations mean gratitude, and yellow carnations mean rejection; sooo in a nutshell, these pretty much say ‘thank you for being my friend, but im rejecting you”

no one can tell if tachihara is crying or wheezing

and dazai is having the time of his life

yes, he started listening in on him again

and chuuya is just stunned

like speechless and unmoving stunned

is he just bad at this whole courting/dating thing?? it’s only been one day and of it and somehow he was the one doing the rejecting??

“thank you for the flowers chuuya-san, i’ll be going now; i’ll make sure to let this affect our friendship. i’ll see you tomorrow!”

you passed by the not so subtle group of people

“tachihara-kun..?? are you alright?”

just for context, he was leaning his forehead against the wall using his forearm

again, it was hard to tell whether he was crying or wheezing

“i-im okay (y/n)-san...i think c-chuuya-san has it worse than me”

“...okay..?”

BACK TO CHUUYA

he’s still frozen poor baby

but it’s okay bc after like 5 more seconds he’s chasing you down the hallway you were walking in

kouyou, with a knowing smile on her face, ushers everyone away towards the opposite direction

she received some whines (ahem, tachihara and mori) but silenced them by summoning golden demon

but it’s okay

if they run fast enough, they can see what happens through the security cameras

chuuya caught up with you and tried to explain everything but he was exhausted

emotionally, physically (bc since when did you walk that fast??), and generally just tired with the whole situation

he just wanted to call you his; was that too much to ask??

as explosive as he can be, he can be calm and collected too

and he really did try to be that way as he talked with you but it was very difficult at the moment

the dumbfounded and confused look on your face his face twitch with annoyance and his heart started beating faster bc god you were cute

BUT THATS BESIDES THE POINT RIGHT NOW

thank goodness after what seemed like years, you finally somewhat understood what happened

you didn’t understand completely but it was something

The two of you stood in the middle of the unusually empty hallway facing each other, you with the bouquet still in hand. It was quiet as you and Chuuya assessed the situation.

You looked at him skeptically and he stared right back you with his gorgeous blue eyes.

“...So you do like me Chuuya-san??”

“Yes”

“And you were trying to court me just now, not friend zone me??”

“Yes”

You got most of your questions out of the way, but there was something that you’ve been wondering about for quite a while.

“...So you’re not gay for Dazai-san??”

“Yes, im not wait—GAY FOR DAZAI?? THAT MACKEREL??”

Chuuya did a double take. What in heavens name made it seem like he liked that suicidal maniac?? Why would he choose him if he had you?

Like he would choose him anyways; or ever consider him as a possible romantic partner.

“Oh, so you are?”

“NO! I SAID I LIKED YOU DIDN’T I?”

“Well yeah, but I thought you liked Dazai-san too. As annoying as he is, he can be quite charming—”

He was out of patience at this point (nope definitely not because you were talking about Dazai who told you that?) and just decided to kiss you.

You immediately melted into the kiss and kissed him back with the same amount of love and feeling.

Letting the bouquet fall to the ground, you wrapped you arms around his neck and his put his on your lower back and brought you closer to him. After a few more moments, the two of you broke apart for air.

The two of you, slightly out of breath, leaned your foreheads against each other and just basked in each others presence.

Chuuya looked into your (e/c) eyes and asked you just a little bit above a whisper, “Now do you get my intentions and feeling?”

You blinked at him before breaking out into a grin, “Hmm I’m not sure; do you wanna do that again Chuuya?”

The red head only blinked back at you before rolling his eyes, a smile present on his handsome features, his heart fluttering at you using his name with the honorific.

“Dumbass”

Smiling cheekily at him, you pressed a kiss on his cheek and started dragging him towards the lobby to take a walk around the building perimeter, knowing that the two of you can’t be too far from work.

The way down to the lobby was mostly in comfortable silence until you said something that made Chuuya want to bash his head against the wall.

“You know, you could’ve just told me you liked me Chuuya. It’s not like I would’ve said no.”

Once again, as the rest of the more power mafia members watch from security cameras, it is hard to tell whether Tachihara is crying or wheezing of laughter.

omake !!

The two of you just started making your way around the building when suddenly a very familiar voice came from Chuuya’s prized hat.

“Chuuyaaaa!! It was about time you stopped being a chicken, Chibi!”

Removing his hat from his head, he started yelling at it not knowing exactly where the listening device was planted.

“TEME! HOW DID YOU—”

“And (y/n)! I would congratulate you, but I think I would rather offer you my condolences. Why him?! He’s just a slimy slug. OOH OOH how would you like to join me in a double suicide?! A shame it won’t be a lover’s suicide but it’ll annoy Chuuya so I think it’ll be worth it! ”

“YOU—”

“And please don’t kiss while I’m listening in. You made me lose my appetite! And it was such a shame! I was eating crab using Kunikida-kun’s money! Do you know what you’ve cost me?!”

“DAZAI YOU PIECE OF—”

“Ah! Kunikida-kun is here! I have to go!”

You can hear something is the background that vaguely sounds like, “DAZAI YOU WASTE OF BANDAGES STOP USING MY MONEY”

“DAZAI DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE IM NOT DONE WITH—”

*Click!*

The click sound from the hat revealed that Dazai disconnected.

Chuuya twitched and glared furiously at his signature hat hating that the voice he hated the most came out of it.

“Aww, I didn’t get to talk to Dazai-san”

Chuuya whipped his head towards you, a look of mock (or real) betrayal showing on his features.

You laughed at him before taking the hat out of his hands and placing it on his head.

He shyly looked away before muttering a thanks making you smile wider. Just as the two of you were about to start walking, a small explosion erupted from his hat; it was likely that Dazai made the listening device self destruct.

“DAZAI YOU BASTARDD”

At the Armed Detective Agency, a certain suicidal maniac hid from the wrath of his current partner as he thought about the wrath his old one.

“Hmmm I wonder if Chuuya would finally stop wearing his ugly hats if I blow all of them up...”

as always, reblogs and shares are appreciated! i hope you all stay safe! and just in case nobody told you they loved you today, i love you! you are enough! <3

writing belongs to me! please do not plagiarize! the reblog button is there for a reason

[izzyliker]

Hey, asking you this as nicely as I can but can you give the immediate victim blaming a break. The absolute lack of respect you have for the people tmc abused is genuinely disheartening. Yes, he’s a shitty person, you’re entitled to hate him but immediately going “well you should’ve seen it coming earlier lol we’ve been saying this” is just ASTONISHINGLY shortsighted and cruel. Have your opinions about him and the situation all you want I would just ask that you please keep it to yourself due to the many many people he’s hurt that are still on here and can see you disparaging them.

ok, that is not what i have been saying. "well you should've known" is not an accurate summary of my feelings on this matter but apologies if thats how it came across. i have been in an abusive relationship where the person did a lot of the same things and i, too, defended that person without considering how it impacted other people. i almost lost my best friend because of how i acted as a result of keeping him in my life while people around me kept telling me to get tf out. i know.

what i am is im frustrated and annoyed by how long people were willing to publicly and passionately defend this guy while apparently fully aware what kind of shit he was doing to other people, many of which is detailed in the callout itself, and how this is now being framed as news. before the document itself was published all me (or anyone) had to go off of was vague posts that amounted to a "callout trailer" and almost all of the information on it was shit that was 100% completely public knowledge. 20+ people being aware of all that goddamn stuff and not one of them publicly stopping associating with him is frustrating. it comes across as spineless and yes, like one anon told GD, gaslighty (although i have my own issues with this being used on a large scale instead of in interpersonal relationships but i understand where they were coming from). his lesbophobia, transphobia (strange that none of the transphobia towards trans men was mentioned?), and panphobia/aphobia/biphobia were widely documented and seeing that on a callout post as if it were news was extremely tiring.

ive since read the callout. the interpersonal actions seem to have been horrible but sadly im not surprised (by which i dont mean "and neither should you" but rather. my spidey senses for this sort of behavior are pretty accurate most of the time and i did see this coming. this isnt me saying im Better than these people or that they shouldve as well but rather that i have learned to identify people of this genre.) by any of them.

also im 75% sure this is tumblr user GD. hello. if not then apologies, its just that the typing here is very similar. if it is, i think you trying to both take accountability for this and process whatever it is youre processing at the same time on tumblr is a bad idea and going to just lead to people feeling hurt and betrayed because while i truly do see where the reaction is coming from (like, truly, i understand, believe me), if you say "i take responsibility for how i acted while being manipulated" but then when people voice their negative feelings you tell them theyre victim blaming you it is going to reflect poorly on you. i dont think you understand how many people were absolutely hurt by the enabling you and your large, massively popular group of friends did for him, including the MASSIVE defense rant you typed up in defense of him when someone sent an ask to the bi jon event about him being panphobic and aphobic. whether its fair for people to expect you to immediately go into depth about it is questionable but dont invite people to do this when you obviously cannot handle it (i dont mean this in a bad way like "oh you should handle it". i mean genuinely this is how you get burnt out and possibly worsen possible future trauma. by trying to immediately placate people without having the mental resources to do so.)

i think the "we dont condone these views and never did!" without ever specifying what they were or doing any other work there is a lazy fucking cop-out. your circle was/is massively popular and a lot of people took all of you as authorities on stuff like headcanons and respectful portrayals of certain characters or identities to the point of accepting your meta as canon (something you havent really dissuaded ever), and associating publicly with someone who would constantly do this kind of shit and then defending him publicly while also positing yourself as an authority isnt something you can just "oops! we never agreed with him!" yourself out of. GD & TF specifically, you are massive blogs. you are babys first TMA blog. people in your askbox hurt and betrayed by this shit are not necessarily there to victim blame you. they are there because they trusted your word when they said "hey seraf reblogged anti pan and anti ace and weird transphobic posts" and you said "seraf is one of my dearest friends and would never do any of those things and im personally offended youd even imply that." i think you dont understand the real life consequences of the massively popular posts and sentiments he made & published and that you helped spread (despite apparently knowing that he was being a massive hypocrite and bigoted towards those groups or identities in his personal life). obviously interpersonal abuse/conflict is going to be "worse" but dear god i hope you collectively understand that "oh btw we never endorsed his views" is a massive copout and a shit apology for the hurt this association and endorsement caused. tmc has been terrorizing this fucking fandom for months with his bullshit and bigotry and you have not been passive bystandars but active enablers.

anyways, hope everyone involved gets to uh, heal i suppose, but i think expecting the people who seraf suicide baited, the groups of trans men he misgendered, the people who he targeted and harassed, the genuine fucking long lasting dysphoria he caused real people to have over his shitty takes re: transness and dysphoria, and the general shit behavior he was allowed to keep up with zero pushback from anyone in his circle of the fandom to drop all the anger or frustration they have for the people who enabled him and defended him aggressively is... unrealistic. and makes you look bad. especially when the doc doesnt even clarify which opinions you still support.

[thelifeofhayleymarie]

18/01/2019: Closing a chapter of my life

This is a post I’ve been dreading to write. Just a warning too, its going to be very, very long. This will also unfortunately be my last post on this account.

5 weeks and 1 day. That’s how long its been since everything changed, since L ended things with me, and I’ve been trying my hardest to make sense of it all. I’ve been trying my best to find the words to be able to write this post, but I’ve really struggled. All I’m going to start off with is that my heart is absolutely, completely and utterly broken.

This is not how I imagined things would be. This is not how I wanted to end the distance. I imagined us together in our own house, with a couple of dogs, happy and inlove... not like this. Never in a million years did I think we’d end up like this, not with how inlove I was with him. It still doesn’t feel real. When you give someone all of you, love them harder than anything else you’ve ever loved in your life, you never expect them to tell you that they don’t want it anymore. That it’s not enough for them. It’s so hard to accept; its just unfathomable really. I wanted to marry him. I was willing to move across the country for this boy. I was so ready, and so excited. It’s just disappointing. I feel like I sacrificed so much for him. Put his needs before my own. Accepted the heartbreaking challenge of doing long distance without getting a choice in the matter. Supported him in going out and achieving his dreams while I waited here for him. And for what? Him to turn around and say he’s changed his mind and that he doesn’t feel the same anymore? That he doesn’t have the passion for the relationship and that he loves me but he’s not inlove with me now? This whole thing has left me devastatingly broken. And it hurts, my god does it hurt...

It’s been extremely hard and confusing for me to understand too. December 8th he told me that I’m the love of his life and that he can’t wait to come home to me, then on December 13th, only 5 days later… he told me he couldn’t do this anymore. It was absolutely soul shattering to hear those words. Especially because we hadn’t been fighting or anything. I thought we had been perfectly fine, he made me believe that we were doing better. He even texted me that morning saying that he loves me. Then later that night he completely pulled the rug out from under me.

He messaged me that Thursday night saying he wasn’t doing very well mentally and that he needs to talk to me. Me being me I dropped everything and called him immediately, desperately wanting to help him and understand why he was feeling this way. He wouldn’t completely tell me the truth behind it until I kept asking questions. When I asked him if he could think of one thing that makes him happier than anything else in the world, and he answered saying he’s happiest when being on holiday at the lake… my stomach dropped and I immediately knew what was going on; because he didn’t say he was happiest when he was with me. This lead into me asking a whole bunch of other questions where I discovered that he had been apparently feeling miserable for months because he doesn’t think he wants to be with me anymore, because he feels like he’s changed, we’ve changed. This phone call was 3 hours long, yet I couldn’t grasp what was going on. I couldn’t believe it was actually happening. I was a mess after that phone call. I knew deep in my heart there was no coming back from that. I knew what he wanted, and it completely broke me. My best friend and my brother had to come and physically restrain me because of how inconsolable I was. I felt like my whole world was ending, especially because of how blindsided I felt. Eventually my mum had to literally medicate me to make me calm down. My heart couldn’t take it. I think I slept for 2 whole days after that.

Even though I knew it was over, a couple days later I had a very weak moment and called him and basically begged for him to just keep trying, at least until he comes home and we see each other (which was only a week away… I’d been looking forward to it for ages. I hadn’t seen him in 2 months... he was coming home for christmas on the 20th of december). But my god, it felt so degrading. No one should ever have to beg someone to not give up on them, or to try harder or love them back. I never wanted to stoop that low but I was in shock and I was desperate. And to my utter dismay- he said no. He didn’t want to try anymore. He said he’s been trying for months and it still just doesn’t feel right. This outraged me because 1, he hadn’t been completely honest and open with me about how he was feeling this way and 2, giving someone the bare minimum is NOT ‘trying’. He stopped meeting my needs a long time ago and I was too blinded by love to understand this. I deserved so much better than that. I deserve someone whose sure about me 100% of the time. I deserve someone whose consistent with their love and effort, which he very much lacked on and off throughout our whole relationship. His words rarely matched up to his actions. One day he’d say he loves me more than life itself and that he wants to marry me, the next he would hardly even speak to me. Complete head fuck right? But I stuck around because I loved him. Maybe that’s my own fault.

He was messaging me every day after that phone call- I don’t really know why, I think the guilt from hurting me was eating him up inside to be honest- but I just couldn’t reply to his messages. I needed space. I needed time to let it all sink in and to be able to reflect on it all. I eventually messaged him and asked him to give me the respect of ending things in person, where I can ask questions, get closure and say goodbye. He agreed and wanted that too. It’s so painful having to say goodbye to someone you wanted forever with. But I did it. I went over to his house a couple days after he arrived home and I got say my peace and get the closure I needed. And although I am hesitant to say, I also did end up seeing him a couple more times before he flew back home - alcohol and a broken heart dont mix well folks, trust me - but I surprisingly found that it didnt make things worse for me, because I had already accepted that this break up is probably for the best... dont get me wrong it was sad, and confusing but it was also nice to just be together, talk and take our time to say goodbye; our last goodbye, and the hardest one of all. It was especially hard seeing him cry along with me at the thought of it being the last time. But as I had time to reflect on it all leading up to seeing him each time, I came to the conclusion that this was for the best, and I told him that too. I knew I wasn’t being treated right, I knew I deserved better, I knew the distance had gotten to us too much, and I knew we both weren’t happy. But it was nice to end things on a good note and say goodbye in our own way.

During the past month I have rediscovered my worth and realized that I have so, so, SO much love to give, and if he doesn’t want it, then thats truely his loss. I put him on a pedestal for the longest time and forgot about myself through it all. I haven’t been fair to myself. So now, I think its time I put myself first- in every aspect of my life, not just through the break up. I’m going to try my best to leave all heartache in 2018, and begin to focus on my self worth, growth and all things positive in 2019.

As much as this hurts and as much as it killed me to do long distance this past year, I really have no regrets. I gave 110% of myself to this relationship and to L. I put my heart and soul on the line for someone I love and I think that’s something to be proud of- it’s actually admirable I think. Like a friend recently told me, I let someone know how it felt to be loved by me, and that’s beautiful. I love so damn hard too, and I deserve to get the same love back. Consistently. I also just want to make note that as much as this has hurt me, I don’t and will never wish ill upon him at all. I really just want him to be happy, and if that means not being with me anymore then so be it. I don’t think of him as a bad person- just someone whose young, and isn’t sure about what he wants. I’ve also realized that I can’t hate him for feeling a certain way. I don’t want to. That wouldn’t be fair. At the end of the day, as much as I tried to hold on, I think I always knew it wasn’t meant to be. There’s been too much hurt in the past, and the relationship was damaged from early on from certain things I think. The distance was also really, really difficult for both of us too; even though I felt like I could deal with it because I believed it would be worth it in the end, I guess he just couldn’t handle it, and that’s fair enough. Being away from the person you love constantly changes you. Its heart breaking. I’ll always love the person he is, and forever cherish every amazing memory we ever shared. Our love was epic. The past 2/3 years have been some of the happiest moments of my life- despite it being a rollercoaster at times. And I owe a lot to Luke and will always respect him. I just know now that maybe we’re not meant to be, and that’s ok. As hard as it is to accept that it’s over, and that i’ll never see him again (that part tears me up inside ugh), I’ll always remember him as my first love, and I’ll always appreciate the beautiful times we had together. I still love him, I think I always will, but I’m a big believer in everything happens for a reason, and I know I’ll be stronger from this.

I just want to also say a big thank you to everyone who has gone on this journey with me, for all the love and support and advice shared. It’s helped more than you know. I don’t think I would’ve made it this far without you guys. I’m going to miss being apart of this beautiful little community of long distance and military couples. Even though it didn’t work out for me, I still believe long distance can work and that those who are willing to make it work, no matter the struggles, are some of the strongest and most noblest people around. But just remember, if you’re giving more than you’re getting, if you’re beginning to question your worth, if you’re crying more than you are happy, if you’re the only one holding on and trying to make it work, then you need to be honest and fair to yourself and understand that you deserve so, so much better- and you will find that one day, I promise. A part of me wishes I had’ve realised sooner.

I’m closing a chapter of my life, only to begin a new one. I hope 2019 blesses all of you. Best of luck with everything, I really am rooting for you all!

(I’m also not going to delete this blog. It holds way too many incredible memories and posts of happier times that I would like to look back on in years to come. And although it makes me sad now, I just think its so special and it may also be able to help others to read. But, like I said earlier, this will unfortunately be my last post...

If you’d like to contact me in anyway from now on I will be using my main blog more regularly. You can find me at:

http://tr-anspar-ent.tumblr.com/)

Stay strong, keep fighting through the distance and for the ones you love. Always remember you’re not alone.

Love always,

Hayley x

[your-not-invisible-to-me]

Piece By Piece- (Rob Benedict x Reader) PART 3

Chapter 2

A/N: This may seem like the last chapter but I swear it isn't. 

Summary: Reader is a teenage actress on Supernatural, and at 15 years old her abusive parents kick her out of the house because they disapprove of her career. After an emotional breakdown at the latest convention, Rob takes her in.

Pairing: Father Figure Rob x Reader

Word Count: 1,424

WARNING: Parental Abuse, Neglect, Emotional Breakdown, Fear, Loneliness.

LISTEN TO THIS SONG FIRST: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwTMz6Nfhjg

“So, what’s going to happen to her now?” asked Rob, sitting at his kitchen table across from the social worker that had arrived at his house.

It had been about a week and a half since Rob had told Y/N she was staying at his house, and he had finally been able to get a social worker to investigate. Living with Rob was actually pretty easy. Since she had been kicked out with only a duffle bag, Rob had been giving her old clothes she could wear until further notice.

Luckily, he was the taller one.

But really, it was really easy. Y/N helped out as much as she could, always making sure to clean up after herself if it was needed, always making sure to pay for her expenses if she could. But even then, Rob never asked for a dime of money.

He also had no issues what so ever it seemed with waking up at seven in the morning to take her to school. They had discovered Rob only lived a twenty-minute car ride away.

For what seemed like the first time in Y/N’s life, everything seemed to be going fine.

“Well, after one visit to her home, I can tell by just the outside that it’s not stable for a teenage girl to live there.” said the social worker, making some last-minute adjustments to the statement Rob had given her.

“What do you mean?” asked Rob.

“There was a decent size hole in the roof right above where Y/N’s room would be.” Rob’s eyes went wide, not expecting that answer at all.

“Her parents made it clear that she wasn’t welcome back in the house, however. As a minor, she’ll be awarded into custody of the state. Y/N will be placed in one of the foster homes.”

“Wait, what? There’s nowhere else she can go?” asked Rob.

“There are no local family members we could find, and the only living family member we could find was a grandma living in an old folk’s home across the country. She’s in no state to care for a fifteen-year-old.” said the social worker.

“What about her job on the show? Her job at conventions? Her school?”

“She’ll most likely have to leave it, the foster house would be required to house and feed her. Nothing says they should have to pay for flights and things like that.”

“How was she paying for them before?”

“Apparently that’s part of the reason why her parents had kicked her out. They refused to keep paying for them once they found out what exactly they were paying for.” said the social worker. He closed up his notebook, packing them into his briefcase.  

“School?” asked Rob. This was getting worse and worse as he listened on.

“We’ll always do our best to find her a foster family that lives in the same district, but again. It’s no guarantee.”

Rob frowned, defiantly not liking the answers that he was getting from the social worker sitting in front of him.

He had known Y/N for almost two years, and she was a fantastic kid. She was so smart, smarter than Rob in some categories, he had to admit.

He was never so good at math, and after watching her do homework backstage at conventions for the past year, she was a whole lot better.  

She was polite, always did what was asked for her, sometimes even more. For the week and a half she had lived with him he didn’t have one complaint to give. He knew she deserved better than being forced to uproot her entire life at such a young age.

Especially since he knew he was fully capable of preventing it.

Suddenly, a knock came on Rob’s apartment door. He looked down at his watch, realizing it was 4:07. Y/N had sworn she had a ride for when school ended, but Rob had just now realized he had forgotten to give her a key.

“Coming!” yelled Rob, racing to the door to let his new-found roommate in.

Well…

“Hey.” I said as Rob opened the door. I looked forward, seeing the man in the business suit standing up from the kitchen table.

“Oh, hello.” I said.

“Hello, Y/N. Nice to meet you.”

“I’m assuming you’re the social worker Rob told me he was going to call?” I asked. I set my bag down on the floor, but I left my shoes on. If this goes how it usually goes, I wasn’t staying here for much longer.

“So, let’s just get right to it, what’s happening to me now?”

“Well, I took a visit to your parents, and the department has concluded that it’s not a safe environment for you to be staying in. Thank god Mr. Benedict here realized there was something wrong when he did. You’ll be taken into custody of the state, and be placed into a foster home.” I nodded, picking my bag back up.

“Wait.” said Rob suddenly, holding his hand up before me and the social worker could even move an inch.

“Can she stay with me? I am more than willing than to petition for legal guardianship.” said Rob, no hesitation present in his voice what so ever.

“Rob what are-.” the social worker cut me off.

“Well, you would need to petition the court for guardianship, fill out the appropriate forms, alert her parents, and go through a trial run. You’d be given a month before an agent would come out here and check on everything going on.”

“Tell me how to get those forms and it’s done.” said Rob. My eyes went wide and my jaw dropped in shock. Rob offering to let me stay with him permanently was defiantly something I did not see coming.

“Also, considering she’s over 14, you need consent from Y/N.” said the social worker, turning to me.

I stood there in silence, still a little dumbfounded.

“I’m sorry, I’m- I’m just a little shocked that this is happening.”

“Is that a yes?” asked Rob.

I looked at the man in front of me.

Rob Benedict was without a doubt the best human being I have ever met. I didn’t want to burden him, it was the thought that was pounding at me in the back of my mind. But I looked up at him, seeing something in his eyes I’d never seen before when I looked at my own father.

He cared.

“Yeah,” I said, nodding rather quickly, “yeah of course I give consent.”

“Well it’s settled then. I’ll have the papers dropped by within the week Mr. Benedict.” said the social worker, shaking Rob’s hand before turning, leaving the apartment.

The second the door closed I turned back to Rob.

“Rob, I, for the love of god Rob you don’t have to do this. I, I don’t want to burden you more than I already have. You’ve done, you’ve done so much for me already by just being my friend.”

“Hey, Y/N. Look at me, you’re not a burden. I’ve known you for nearly two years, you’re a joy to be around. You’re a good kid, and you deserve better than you having to uproot your life. You deserve better than having your dad leave you behind, I wouldn’t wish that feeling upon my worst enemy.”

I nodded, making the connection immediately.

“But you know everything that’s wrong with me Rob; the nightmares, you’ve witnessed first-hand my anxiety…”

“I don’t care.”

“Do you realize the expenses of housing a teenager for what, the next three years?” I asked. I was gonna be flat out realistic.

“Hey, I’ve been on my own for who knows how long. I have plenty of money put away, enough for me and you together. Plus, I gotta admit, I like taking care of someone else.”

“I-Rob, I just, I don’t know what…”

Rob sighed, walking towards me, placing both his hands on my shoulders. He could tell I still wasn’t totally believing everything that was going on.

“Y/N, your dad quite literally kicked you out of your house. I can see he broke that soul of yours into a million different pieces. If you let me, I will try my damn hardest to help put those pieces back together.”

I smiled, a tear escaping my eye as I immediately wrapped my arms around him, Rob’s shirt getting wet as the tears kept going.

But it was okay, because Rob knew they were tears of happiness.

And it was okay, because maybe I finally had found a home.

STORY TAGS: @thebookisbtr @emilywells19 @littleshone @a-banana-for-your-thoughts @pancake-pages @stationary-queen @bryannekenzie @alicat-life @winchestergirl-13 @melodyhiddleston @flamequeen12

ROB TAGS: @nerdyforyourbooks @madame-marilyn @tas898 @internationalmusicteacher @lizzy077 @natasha-cole

FOREVER TAGS: @laffytaffyhumor @hudine @fandom--0verdose @madame-marilyn @casgrl @nerdyforyourbooks @waywardswain @goldenolaf25 @88dragon06 @dont-hate-relate-pls @crowley-you-sinnamon-roll @i-dont-understand-that-url @b-northington @idk-fandom @bea789 @nanie5 @jelly-beans-and-gstrings @captain-amelia-bradley @a-michellerae-things 

[themcuhasruinedme]

More Than That (Pt. 2)

[Summary]: Who knew your boyfriend knew Tony Stark in college. At a college alumni party, you meet the Avengers and they immediately take a liking to you, treating you like a “sister-like” figure. Except for one super soldier who likes you “more than that”. When your relationship starts to fall apart, you confide in Steve about it who’s willing to do anything to be more than friends with you.

[Pairing]: Steve x reader (mentions of the team)

[Warning]: a tiny bit of language 

Tagging: @bovaria @marvel-ash @just-call-me-mrs-captain @dividedwecantfall @buckysmetallicstump @mellifluous-melodramas @avengerofyourheart @buckyslion @metalarmproblems @marvelingatthewonder @beccaanne814-blog @mcuimxgine @capsbuchanan @imagine-assembling-the-avengers @that-sokovian-bastard @hellomissmabel @abovethesmokestacks @maybe-mikala @violentlyfarts @hymnofthevalkyries @after-avenging-hours @buckys-shield @buckysberrie @callamint @redgillan @whotheeffisbucky @candyrogers @blueeyedbucky @tragicalchemist @marvelous-fvcks @professionally-crazed @thetalesofmooseandsquirrel @fanfic-shiz @i-dont-know-how-to-write @iwillbeinmynest @theassetseyeliner @lilasiannerd @aubzylynn @viollettes @tatortot2701 @marvelatthepeople @raegan-darling @clinicalkayla @sammysgirl1997 @gatorgal94 @erinvanlyssel @pufflethehuff @littlenerdgirl16 @magellan-88

A/N: BSB gif was made by yours truly! More Backstreet Boys comin’ your way, peeps! [x] This one literally screamed Steve’s name when I was listening to it, so here’s the result… A short series! There will be some confrontation between Greg and Steve in this part and it’s gonna be juicy!

Pt. 1 |

Steve pushed you against the wall and stared down at you hard. You tried to break the gaze but it was to difficult. You were able to look away for a second but when you met his gaze again, you could see a fiery passion burning behind those baby blue eyes of his.

His lips suddenly but slowly, ghosted across your jawline, making you let out a soft moan. He placed small gentle kissed down your neck, goosebumps starting to rise on your skin. As he intertwined his fingers with yours and his kisses slowly kept moving downward, you suddenly pulled away.

“Steve, no. I can’t. ‘We’ can’t,” you said, gesturing to him and yourself. You noticed the fiery passion behind those eyes suddenly disappear.

“But why, [Y/N]? You deserve much better than him. Why can’t you see that?”

You placed your hand on Steve’s cheek. “I’ve told you before, Steve. Greg and I are just going through one of those phases...”

Steve cut you off. “But, [Y/N]. All of us can see that he’s lying to you and keeping things from you. I can see that you’ve been crying and that whatever is going on between you two is hurting you deep down.”

You pushed Steve off of you and opened the door. “I have to go, Steve.”  As you walked out the door, he grabbed your hand. “Steve, please...”

“[Y/N], I can’t watch what he’s putting you through and just stand on the back burner doing nothing to help.”

“But this isn’t your battle to fight, Steve. Why do you think this is one you can help with?”

Steve looked down. He couldn’t admit to you yet that he loved you and would do anything to be with you. He could’t stand the fact that seeing you hurt this way made his blood boil and want to tear your so-called “boyfriend” apart. It didn’t make sense to him why you couldn't see that Greg was just using you by this point.

He let go of your hand and watched you walk out.

A couple weeks had went by since Steve last saw you. He hoped that the “incident” between the two of you had not put a dent in your friendship. He decided to go to your apartment to talk to you and see if he could patch things up.

When Steve got there and rang the bell, he could hear quite a bit of noise inside. Thinking that something bad might be happening and quickly acting on instinct, he broke the door open to find Greg and his “side girl” franticly getting dressed in the living room. Steve stared at the scene in complete and utter shock.

“What the hell, man?! Who do you think... Oh. It’s you,” Greg started to yell and then changed his tone at the sight of Steve. “What do you want?”

Steve quickly glanced at the girl as she grabbed her stuff and went into the bedroom, closing the door behind her. He crossed his arms across his chest, trying to intimidate Greg a bit.

“I wanted to talk to [Y/N]. I thought maybe she was home but apparently I walked in on something else.”

“She’s at work right now. And this ain’t none of your business, bub. [Y/N] still wants to be with me. Said so herself. Don’t know what she ever saw in you when she met you at that party. Never could shut up about you when we got back from it. Went on for weeks about the whole thing.”

And at that moment, Steve finally knew that you liked him too. But what he still couldn't understand was why you still wanted to be with the scumbag that was standing in front of him. Why you had pushed him away when he so badly wanted to admit his feelings towards you. But another feeling was stirring inside of Steve at the moment. One that would change your entire situation around in a heartbeat.

“Besides,” Greg said, walking towards Steve who was starting to ball his fists. “[Y/N] is good to me. Treats me like a king. Takes care of this whole place for me. And doesn’t give me any lip about it. Why, she’s practically my maid.”

That was where Steve saw red and decked Greg hard, sending him reeling to the floor.

“Oh, so that’s how it’s gonna be?” Greg said as he licked his lip, tasting the blood that was coming from it. “I knew I could see that you had a thing for [Y/N] when we were at the party.” He got up and got into a fighting stance, fists ready to go. “And this only proves it more!”

Fists started flying between Greg and Steve. A few hits to Greg there, a couple to Steve here. Greg got in one good hit, causing Steve to get a black eye. Good thing was, was that it made Steve only go harder and he was able to knock Greg out, leaving him on the floor as Steve stood above him.

“[Y/N] is done being your house-maid, you bastard.” He wiped his mouth, after he felt something sliding down his chin. Blood. He didn’t even notice or realize that Greg had somehow managed to bust his lip as well.

Steve stumbled a bit out of the apartment and went back to Avengers Tower, knowing that he would get a lot of stares along the way but didn't really care. He just knew that he needed to talk to you: now. 

He sent you a quick text: “We need to talk.” He stared at his phone for a couple minutes and smiled a bit seeing the gray bubble pop up, saying that you were replying.

“Steve, I’m at work. Can’t this wait?”

“No. We need to talk. NOW.”

The gray bubble popped up within seconds of Steve’s text. “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

You rushed into the Common Room to find Steve sprawled on the couch, an ice pack on his eye and dried blood on his chin.

“Steve! What happened?” you cried out, dropping your purse and running to his side. You knelt down next to him and pushed his hair back, noticing a small bruise on his cheek and his knuckles that were red with some scratches.

“Your dick weed of a so-called “boyfriend”, that’s what,” Steve said, struggling to sit up. He took the ice pack off his eye, which made you cover your mouth in a gasp. He winced in pain as he put his arm down.

“What do you mean? I don’t under...”

“I went to your apartment so I could talk to you. But you know what I find instead? I find that asshole you’re with screwing another girl! I confronted him about how he’s been treating you and we had a fight.” He winced out in pain again trying to catch his breath, since just talking about the whole exchange made him get upset.

“Steve... I had... But why?” you stuttered, trying to calm him down.

“Because I love you, [Y/N]! Why can’t you see that? I just can’t be “friends” anymore with you.” He gently placed some loose hair behind your ear. “Ever since I saw you at the party, I had a bad feeling about that jerk you’ve been with. My gut has told me since that night, that he’s bad news and no good for you. This,” he gestured towards himself, “should only prove to you more that he’s been lying to you and using you.”

Tears started to slowly slide down your cheeks and you hung your head. “I know, Steve. I already knew about this girl a couple weeks ago when I saw you. I couldn’t break the news to you, so I just held it in. I don’t know... I...”

Steve slowly lifted your chin up to meet his eyes. You scanned his face, looking for even the slightest sign of him being upset about you already knowing about Greg’s cheating. But there wasn’t. In fact, you swore you could see in his eyes the same exact fiery passion that he had when he first kissed you. And you had a feeling what was to come next.

[choisgirls]

Are requests open?? My friend got me in Captain America, and I thought about how would the RFA+V+Saeran react to a Winter Soldier!MC? Or Black Widow, whichever you like. It could be angst or not, I will leave it up to you, thanks 💜💙

A/N: CIVIL WAR IS ONE OFMY FAVOURITE MOVIES AND STEVE ROGERS AND BUCKY ARE SOME OF MY CHILDREN F CUK (ihope this doesnt have any spoilers for you or anyone else who isn’t as far intothe marvel universe as i am oops) ((and i cant do angst, double oops, sorry)) ~Admin 404

*YOOSUNG:

               -You’reso cute and innocent, just like him and he loves it!

               -Exceptuh you aren’t…. exactly…. innocent? wow 404 so original, i didn’t seethat coming

               -Thetwo of you don’t keep any secrets from each other!!

               -So,that being said, you decided that he NEEDED to know about your past

               -Yousat him down and explained how, in the past, you’ve gone through intensetraining growing up

               -“??What kind of training?? Like for sports?”

               - oh,no sweetheart

               -Wait,you’re a spy?? Like you do the stuff Saeyoung does??? waIT YOU KILL PEOPLE TOO,WHAT THE

               -HETHOUGHT YOU WERE INNOCENT BUT APPARENTLY NOT???? It takes him a while tore-adjust due to shock (like a few weeks of not talking to you kind of while), but he still loves you nonetheless. He holds on to thebelief that!! It’s something you had to do!!! You had to do it all to survive!!And you’re here with him now, that’s all he cares about

               -Thoughhe is REALLY sad about not being able to have children with you because of yourtraining. It takes him a couple of months to come to terms with this but overtime, he decides that he’s just happy to be with you (and that adopting andmaking a kids life is perfectly okay with him!!!)

*ZEN:

               -You’remore flexible than him, holy shit

               -“MC!How! Were you in dance? Are you in dance now?” eyebrow wiggle, winkwonk

               -Youtell him that you’re flexible because of your job

               -Sowhen he asks about it, you casually drop that you’re previously known as aWinter Soldier; You had to be flexible for combat

               - imsorry you whAT

               -“Combat?What kind of combat? MC? What’s a Winter Soldier?? MC!” calm down stop yelling

               -Youtold him that you were basically an agent who’s powerful enough to be used as aweapon if the government wants you to be (because let’s be honest withourselves here, that’s what they are), he FLIPS OUT

               -WHATTHE FUCK MC??? YOU’RE A WHAT??? YOU CAN DO WHAT??? YOU JUST- JUST WHAT?

               -Ittakes DAYS for him to process this and come to terms with it. You’re sodangerous! But he still loves you. But… you can be in serious danger at anygiven moment and just!!! MC!!!

               -Heloves you though. He promises to do his best to protect you no need zen butthank you and he just wants to help his MC! Everything that’s happened isbehind you, and he just wants to be in your future, happy and safe! So he comesaround and starts to make jokes about it when he’s comfortable again you cancome play with my guns mc, wink wonk

*JAEHEE:

               -Shekeeps folders of everyone in the RFA but how in the world did this piece ofinformation get past her?

               - becauseits a secret jaehee, ya dont announce to the world when you’re a spy ya goof

               -Extremelytaken back by the announcement. A spy? An assassin? What the FUCK

               -SHE’SJUST A SIMPLE COFFEE LOVING ASSISTANT SHE NEVER EXPECTED SOMETHING LIKE THIS

               -Butalmost instantly, she’s asking you to teach her some moves

               -Sheknows judo but doN’T STOP THERE MC, SHE’S GOT A FIRE INSIDE

               -Alwaysreally worried for you? You can just leave the house for some groceries andshe’s worried as hell

               -Triesher hardest to always be there for you- you wanna talk about something, she’sthere. No matter how brutal or extreme the story is, she’s here for it

               -Once,you tried to compare your work to Saeyoung’s and she immediately shut you downbecause “You take your job seriously, MC” saeyoung crying in thedistance

               -Alsowants you to teach her how to be as flexible as you are because holy s h i t MCthat’ll make everything so much easier for her

*JUMIN:

               -Immediatelyknew something was up and that you were hiding something from him

               -Did heknow what? No. Was he going to find out? Obviously

               -He’sextremely straight forward, so casually asks what you’re hiding from him

               - thoughhe could have waited until you were done drinking?? Because choking on wineiSN’T FUN

               -Butyou decide that there’s no point in hiding anything when he straight up asksyou about it, so you tell him that you might…. have been trained as a WinterSoldier

               -“Ah,I see. I suppose that explains why you know so many languages”

               -I’msorry but uh?? Where is the shock??? The emotion??? juMIN THROW ME A BONE HERE

               -He hasliterally NO REACTION? Like he just doesn’t care? You are who you are and heloves you anyway

               -Hedoes try not to get on your bad side though because he does NOT want to seethat training in action no thank you mc

               -Alsotries to stay away from anything Russian because who KNOWS what could set youoff?? He obviously doesn’t know and he’s not about to even attempt it

*SAEYOUNG:

               -I’msure he’d find out from his background check

               -Sureyou can try to hide it but he’s reallygood at his job

               -Buthe’s SHOCKED AS HELL to find out that you’ve basically gone through the same trainingas him?

               -Youknow tons of languages, can fight, AND you’re a spy

               -“MCWE’RE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER” saeyoung what are you talking about

               -Helikes to mess with you though, and bring up the fact that you’re a WinterSoldier every chance he can get

               -“Heydoes being a Winter Soldier mean you won’t get cold so i can keep my jacket tomyself?”

               - saeyoungyou and i both know that’s not what that means

               -Hedoes worry about you a lot though, since obviously someone somewhere could beout to get you.

               -Silentlyvows to protect you at any cost! Overall it doesn’t really bother himbecause??? He’s done a lot of the same stuff, if he judges you then he’d be ahypocrite

*V:

               -Ithink he’d know because of Saeyoung’s background check

               -Buthe’d wait until you were ready to tell him about it

               -NEVEREVER wants to force you to tell him something like this because?? It’sextremely personal?? And it’s a lot to handle?? And he truly doesn’t blame youfor hiding it and not just flaunting your job title around

               -Thatbeing said, he isn’t surprised by the news at all

               -“Iknow, MC. It’s alright” what

               -He’sdone some terrible things in the past and he regrets them all, but you’rewilling to accept him for who he is and not dwell on what he’s done

               -So hedoes the exact same thing for you! He just really loves you MC

               - plusyou’ve done the things you’ve done for work or something of the sort notbecause youre fucking crazy like rika im not even sorry for this

               -Thetwo of you will talk about what it means to be a Winter Soldier every now andagain but nothing further than that

               -Ifyou’re ever feeling down thinking about the past, he’s always there to remindyou that it’ll be okay! You don’t have to let it get to you

*SAERAN:

               -I’msorry you fucking what?

               -He’skilled some people but yoU? YOU’VE DONE IT TOO? WHAT THE

               -You???You’re so…cute? And not threatening looking to him at all? How the fuck

               -Heisn’t angry about it per say but he’s shocked as all hell and expresses itsimilar to anger my poor bby

               -Ittakes a while for him to come to terms with the fact that you’re literally atrained assassin

               -“Soyou’re like a spy or some shit, right?” I mean yeah technically

               -“ThenI picked the perfect person to infiltrate the RFA why the hell didn’t itwork?” because rikas a fuckin bitch and u deserve better

               -He’sactually okay with it in the long run? Like you can’t take back what you did,and neither can he

               -Soit’s better to just move on from it all, and that’s what he’s trying to do andhopes you do too

               -Alsookay with the fact you can’t have kids because of your training. He’s alwaysafraid of having kids, if the two of you want to have kids y'all can adopt,he’s cool with it

[yande-re-blog1]

so the trip up here and dealing with traveling with a disability:

i left for the airport at 1:45 am because i didnt want to be late. i got to the airport around 2:30 by subway. i walked in an wandered around for a bit before deciding i needed help. autism unfortunately causes me to have a very hard time reading and understanding directions and list things like menus, so i decided i wasnt going to torture myself. i contacted someone. turns out disability doesnt open until 3 am but theres a nice lady willing to walk me to security. i get even more confused on the way there. o’hare is a big airport. also the lady asked how young i was and where my parents were. i basically had to convince her that i am 20 years old

i ultimately got to security, where the lady dropped me off and basically said that i would find someone somewhere up here who would help me. i stubbornly decide im going to try to do it by myself. this lasted about 15 minutes of me staring at signs and another 15 minutes of me waiting in a line for security until i was informed that the line i was in was for customer service and not security. i wanted to kick myself at this point because i hate that i cant follow simple signs (part of the reason i dont drive lol). i begrudgingly ask a lady for help, end up telling her that i have autism, and she immediately calls disability services. i decide this is for the best and sit down to wait in a chair with my luggage and wait for someone to help me. im also given a ticket to hold that says that i have a disability

5 minutes later someone shows up with a wheelchair. i do my best to convince them that i have an intellectual/mental disability that does not hinder my ability to walk. they insist and tell me this is standard operating procedure. having had experience with strict SOP, i get in the goddamn wheelchair. but oh, no. THIS WHEELCHAIR HAS A SEATBELT. i get very red in the face as the disability guy buckles me in, sets my bag on my lap, and wheels me off.

turns out, not only do i not understand where security is or how to get to it, but i also don’t understand security itself. we go past the entire line because ive been put in a fucking wheelchair and apparently that means that you dont have to wait (?)(i still dont understand how this works lol) and go into a special security line(? i think?) the disability services man then proceeds to walk me through the entirety of what to do step by step as im doing it again, because i can not figure out how to do it on my own. i get through it, though i get my shoulders patted down, and get back in my wheelchair.

disability man asks me if i need to be taken to my gate. i say yes, because up until now i have been able to figure exactly nothing out and i dont want to humiliate myself further by trying to do it, failing, and having to call services again. services takes me to my gate which is a very long ways away and tells me that there will be people to help me at dallas and san antonio because apparently they already contacted them.

i get dropped off and because i saw a mcdonalds on the way, i decide i want food. it’s 3:30 am at this point and i want chicken nuggets, but the workers say i can only have breakfast, so i get that instead. because i know the way back and it’s literally just down a long, wide hallway (the terminal????) i find my way back to my gate and read stuff online for awhile. i get called up to the service desk and get told that because i have a disability, i get to preboard, which is really cool because i didnt know if i was gonna be able to follow the boarding group instructions properly.

i sit down and play on my laptop for a while. i get called to preboard at around 4:45 am. im the first person on the plane, which is also very cool. also, i have a window seat. i tell the flight attendant that im autistic and need help finding my seat and she helps me and puts my luggage up for me (im too short to reach lol). the rest of the boarding goes well because i found out that the airline i fly has tablets on the seats in front of you and you can play free games, so i played bejewled until we started taxiing at 5:15 am.

take off and everything went well too. i got to watch some videos on the tablet and they had flight procedure videos on the tablet that they showed everyone at the start. it’s also really cool to watch your plane take off and not nearly as scary as it was when i was a kid.

once we were in the air, i played with the tablet some more and found out that it had an interactive map that showed you in real time where you were and i watched that for awhile. i tried looking out the window more, but it was cloudy, so i fell asleep instead.

dallas/fort worth was where my connection was and that was a little more difficult because ive never been there and texas is new to me. they tried to put me in another wheelchair, but i wanted to walk, and i found these two women who were my age who were going to the same san antonio flight and offered to let me walk with them. i did and found out that this airport has airport subways(?) that go to different terminals (very cool). this airport is also very big and has a mac (make-up) store in it. i wanted a smoothie but i was afraid if i got one i wouldnt be able to get back to my gate.

the airport people at this gate knew who i was, too, and told me i could preboard and everything. it was really hot here, too, and i was wearing a long sleeve jacket that i didnt want to take off. i played games on my phone for a while until they got me for preboarding and i was first on the plane again. they took my ticket and edited it though and gave me a window seat when i was supposed to originally have a middle seat in a different row. i liked that but i felt bad if someone had to switch seats with me. a flight attendent looked after me until boarding finished and i snapchatted my friends a lot. this flight went ok too even tho it was only 30 minutes and i fell asleep again

i got to san antonio and again turned down the wheelchair people. i knew for a fact that getting out of an airport is hugely easier than getting into one so i just asked around for directions until i found the car place. there was a cafeteria on the way and my boyfriend had taken a wrong turn and wasnt there yet, so i went there for a little bit. i had this chocolate thing called a truffle. also there were a lot of burger places (because texas?). then my bf got in and i asked around and found where he was

it was a great reunion but i was incredibly tired since it was about 10 am at this point and id been up for a very long time

[cyn009]

I just didn’t know...

So, not a lot of you really know me. I think most people follow me for the Critical Role, and gaming stuff I repost from other people. I hardly ever post something myself. And because of this, and because i feel like i need to atleast write this, this is the best place to put it. Its ok if no one reads it, but here it goes.

I have always had a big imagination. I was always the quiet, A honor roll student that always obeyed her parents, and wanted nothing more than to make them proud. While making homework and whatnot, i would watch my older brother draw. He is an amazing artists, and i remember feeling like nothing compared to him. He was better than me at everything i loved. Art, video games, he had a big group of friends that got together almost every day. The only thing i could do better was coloring. It also really annoyed me how my brother would draw these amazing pictures, but in the faintest pencil markings. I was always telling him, “You draw so awesome! Why not make it noticeable enough for people to actually see it?” He always shrugged and said that he didnt care if people didnt see it. I did care. I always looked up to my brother, and i wanted other people to know how good he was. So i asked him if i could make his drawings darker, by giving them a second pass of my own. Not altering the drawing, but simply making the lines darker. He agreed. So i started drawing his drawing all over again, until they were noticeable. Then he would ask me to color them, and i would. He got to sell a lot of his art at fairs and stuff.

I did have friends. I had a group of 4 guy friends in elementary school, who i spent lunch reading Harry Potter books with. I also had 2 girl friends that were my neighbors, who i would “play” barbies with. They would bring their Barbies and all their accessories, and i would bring my Link figurine. The one you could order from the OoT Zelda pamphlet. It was so boring... All they wanted was to dress up the dolls and all that. I wanted to have adventures! 

Never happened with them, or my friends in school.

Later i moved to the US, and i went to middle school, where i met my future girlfriend. I remember so vividly that she said i looked like a whore for dressing up in a dress for a school dance. She was not a good person. But i stuck around. She was different and we would talk about anime and manga. We had this thing that we would do during class in which i would draw a stick figure on a page and pass it to her, who would add a stick figure of her own, interacting with mine. If was amazing! It didnt matter what either of us added to the page, the other would just go with it and continue adding to this story we made together. 

Heh, you could say that my first OCs were literal stick figures. 

We continued friends until high school, where something strange happened. I say strange cuse i dont know of anyone else personally that did this, other than us. I started embodying my OCs. I would say that “Cyn” was in her room, and someone else was possessing my body for the time being. But not just anyone, it was my own characters. People i thought would be best suited to face things than little meek me. Be it school stuff, family stuff, working out, ditching class, even my personal relationship with my girlfriend. She was also doing the same. Acting as her own OCs. I dont know how it started, but it just did. and we kept it up for a long time. All through high school, really. Up until she broke my heart. But it was strange because the girlfriends relationship was between some of out OCs, but not all of them. Some would actively ignore the other, while others just wanted each other in more ways than one. 

I cared so much for her, that i allowed her to rope me into her family drama. It took over my life so much that i had completely replaced my own loving family with her broken one... I say that she broke my heart, and she really did. But i feel like it was the best thing she could have done for me. Experiences with her made me grow up from the perfect little girl that makes her parents proud to a girl that apparently had split personalities.

When she left... I was kind of lost. Having so many personalities out in the open as someone else taking care of my problem didnt work anymore. I didnt want to sound like a crazy person by telling people, “Im not Cyn, im _______.” I realized i had to grow up and admit to myself that it was just me, and i was being the person i wanted to be with the excuse that it was someone else. Because i was nothing. It took me years to get over that. I still sometimes find myself talking to one of my personalities, having full conversations and confrontations. I still feel like it helps me.

Anyways, when me and my grilfriend broke up, i found a new friend. She and I were part of a group of friends that self-published a manga magazine. We organized some OCTs and all that. It was cool.

In one of those OCTs, i met a guy from the other side of the world. We started RPing with each other and started creating this world together that i loved so much that we opened the chat RP to other of our friends from the OCTs. It later turned into a forum RP in this cute website that ran for 1000+ forum pages. If you could see us. All sitting at a table with out computers, like a LAN party, but were just RPing in type. Waiting for each other to post our next thing, and refreshing the page over and over again to keep reading the story. 

Eventually, the forum story reached stagnation with the other characters in the story, so me and my friend took it out to a two person roleplay chat once again. 

We roleplayed with each other for 6 years. This consumed my life just as the other personalities did. I would be with family, but my face on my phone, roleplaying and creating this world that it was just ours. And it was built for years and years, building upon the world i had created since elementary. It was this amazing place that only the two of us knew.

Then i started watching critical role and i wondered if i could do that! Roleplay with other people, maybe bring them into my world.

My first DM experience was typical. I over prepared, and made the encounters so hard that my friends ended up just abandoning the mission and not wanting to play anymore. Atleast not with me as a DM. 

I was nothing again.

So i let my friend be the DM, and i became a player in the world i had helped create for years. Mostly because she didnt like how i was managing the world myself. She wanted control of it, so she took it. I felt like shit about that, but i was not going to be a petty as her. This was just a game. It was not going to mess with the ‘canon lore’ of our imaginary world no one else knew as well as us.

Anyways, it is predictable that we had a falling out, and strangely stopped talking over night. My family had always told me how they felt like my friendship with her was holding me back, and i was determined to not allow that to happen. The loss of her friendship would not stagger me. I am stronger than that. I am strong.

......

I started DMing again. With only one player. The one guy from my group of high school friends that i would have never expected to stay friends with me or willing to face my crazy world alone. But he did! I felt like an idiot that i never took his friendship seriously. He deserved better from me. (btw, Hi, dude!) I DMed a game for him for almost six months, until i felt confident that i knew how to DM better, and he felt like he needed help.

I decided to not invite people we already knew... This was something new, me opening my crazy and letting people play in the world i would escape to in my mind. People we knew would judge me for being broken. Strangers would get to know me like this, and hopefully understand that this is normal for me. 

This was the best thing i could have ever done.

I made that world my own. I erased the places that hurt me and replaced them with adventures and so many new faces. NPCs. Names of people changed, their stories changed, I changed. 

Now i have a group of players that have just finished the first campaign in my world. A 2 year long campaign. And they wanted to return to that world immediately, now having started Campaign 2 without even missing a single session. Not only that, but they ask me for extra sessions! They cant get enough! They are excited to be there and experience the story i will present them! I didnt know... people would like it. 

I asked them what kind of DM they would describe me as. They agreed on “The Depressing DM”. The one that makes them face harsh consequences and situations that challenge their morality. I... I didn’t describe myself as happy until i dropped my old relationships, when out on my own with my world, and found new adventurers. I have always felt loved by my family, but i never thought others could love what i do. I still cant believe it is real. I am actually happy. They want me around because of who i am, what i do, and what i give them. I wished i had known sooner... But i am glad i know now. I am so grateful for my players, my friends. Thank you for welcoming me with such open minds, and joining my game. You guys make me happy. :)