#the saddest thing ive ever seen in my life was something i saw on there

[schwing-alicious]

Ignoring how toxic TikTok is as a social media platform, I don't think anything has given me whiplash faster than scrolling through the fyp.

Its like:

Funny edit of X show

The saddest thing you've ever read/seen that has you sobbing brutally, heartache and grief

The funniest shit youve seen in your life, laughing so loud your guts hurt, but you're still sobbing from the previous post

Jerma video

[locowolf]

finished RDR the other day and i have some thoughts.

ofc going in i knew the vibes were different from RDR2, but i still was not prepared for how LONELY it felt. sometimes when i was just riding around the feeling would hit me like a train and make my stomach turn. i think a big reason why it feels this way is the urgency of what john is doing. sure, there’s stranger missions and random events and challenges just like RDR2. but who cares? there’s no time for any of that, john needs to find his old friends. he needs his family back. everything else can wait. i saved most of the stranger missions and everything for jack just to give him something to do (which i will get to later). i’ve always been wicked fascinated by spaghetti westerns so i absolutely loved the lonely vibes btw

i’m pretty sure i’ve said this to literally anyone who will listen (all my friends) but john looks so so sad. angry and so so sad. he looks like he’s perpetually about to burst into tears. all i could think about was young john in RDR2, who was always second to arthur. whose abilities were doubted. who was left to die by the man that raised him. who tried his best to live an honest life. who bought a run down plot of land and built a home to win his family back. john was just trying his best, and only four years later (which does not feel like a long time to me) his family is kidnapped, and he has to work for the government and hunt down his old friends. it’s all just so sad and depressing UGH

speaking of RDR2, i think it’s really interesting how it changes the way players view RDR. i did do the strange man stranger missions, and hearing him mention the woman dutch shot during the blackwater incident was?????? literally mindblowing to me?????? this little remark, both about the woman and the incident, was actually the catalyst for the plot of both games and the disillusionment of dutch in arthur and john?????? also just knowing the past john had with javier, bill, and dutch makes their endings so much sadder (besides bill honestly lol he was always annoying). also also the little things, like returning to beecher’s hope and thinking about charles and uncle building the home with john and getting shitfaced after it was done :)))

i bought the game for my PS3 (because FUCK spending $50 for the same goddamn game) and it was a nostalgic experience. the PS3-era graphics and controls (reminds me of GTA IV) plus playing with the PS3 controller was very very fun! the horse handling still trips me up (again reminds me of GTA IV’s odd driving mechanics) and is probably my least favorite part about the game. i also watched my dad play it all the time when i was like six or seven, so it was cool seeing the things i remembered, like the shootout at fort mercer and how silly the horse breaking looks :3

i wish there were a little bit more references to RDR2 (or i guess it’s the other way round?). just a teeny tiny little bit more fan service. also i wish we saw more of abigail and jack :((( i know the ending is meant to be abrupt but i just love their dynamics so much :(((

and speaking of abrupt!!! the fucking ending!!! i had already seen the last mission (because i love spoiling games for myself), so when that cutscene in the barn started playing i was like ?!?!?!?!?! already?!????? i still don’t know if i love it or hate it. i know it happened so soon because the govt was just using him and could not give two shits about him or his family, “our time has passed, john” or whatever dutch said, not being able to run away from your past, etc. but i just love john so much and wanted him and his family to live happily ever after :(

this brings me to what is, in my opinion, the saddest part of RDR, which is jack. he’s a moody teen who doesn’t really understand the world yet. he has a complicated relationship with his father. he doesn’t want jack to be a gunslinger like him, but he doesn’t want him working for the government, either. he wants jack to be a man but treats him like a boy. jack just wants his father’s approval. him and his mother are kidnapped by the government, not knowing what his father is up to, then is reunited with him a few weeks(?) later. but jack isn’t an idiot and he can put two and two together, and he probably looks up to john for what he did to save his family. john takes him out hunting a few times, he jokes about him and abigail growing old, and things start looking hopeful. jack is finally going to have a chance at a normal life. but then the army shows up, kills uncle, and massacres john. when jack is like fifteen. then his mother dies three years later.

jack is eighteen and alone. no family or friends. i guess he has the macfarlane’s but i doubt jack was close to them. there’s nothing for him. a big empty house, a big empty ranch. and he continues the cycle that john was trying to end. arthur saw the faults in his outlaw ways and convinced john to get out of it, to protect his family and build a life for them, to run and don’t look back. john listened (mostly), but then he was forced to take down the known remaining VDL gang members. even though arthur doesn’t say it to him, i think john understands that revenge is a fool’s game. he understands that the days of the gunslinger are over, and he wants jack to live a better life than he ever had, in the same way arthur wanted john to settle down and marry. but jack is young. i can imagine him seeing what his father did as revenge, even though he was forced into it. but john never got the chance to have the “revenge is a fools’s game and the world is changing” conversation with him. jack watches the government murder his father, who he undoubtedly looked up to. his father who did everything in his power to get his family back. i can only imagine the anger and betrayal he felt for those three years he took care of abigail. him and his teenage brain trying to grapple with it all. then, once he’s an adult and he’s lost everything, he becomes a gunslinger and gets his revenge.

(i forgot to get back to the part about saving the side stuff for jack lol. i just feel bad about him being alone so i saved everything for him to do. maybe he can make some fucked up friends or something idk)

i like to imagine jack lives a decent life. maybe sadie or charles reconnects with him. maybe he explores the US and runs into tilly in saint denis. maybe he befriends the macfarlane’s and decides to become a rancher like his father was trying to be.

i think in his early twenties he would be an absolute train wreck, drinking and gambling and letting beecher’s hope fall into disrepair. but he would mature. he finds arthur/john’s old journal tucked away in the attic and thumbs through it one night, reading the passage where arthur tells john to protect his family. and jack thinks he has a chance. he doesn’t have pinkertons or the government breathing down his neck like arthur and john. he’s smart, he has a plot of land, he has a whole life ahead of him. he has a chance. so he cleans up beecher’s hope with the help of the macfarlane’s, he finds a wife, he starts a family, he has an honest living, and he lives happily ever after.

(this has huge fanfic potential tbh)

and my biggest takeaway from the game is: everyone was just trying to live for something. john, bill, javier, dutch, ross, everyone. they were just trying to survive. they were just trying to survive. of course, their survival methods varied greatly, and some were definitely more honorable than others, but in the end, weren’t they all doing the same thing? they were corrupt killers trying to live in a world that hated them. they were fighting for what they believed in. they were trying to make it out on top by any means necessary. all that varied was how they did it.

what a fantastic game. i think i still prefer RDR2 as a whole because i just fucking love collectathons, but RDR is still an amazingly tragic story. i binged-played it in two days.

[butterflies-dragons]

Why does Jonsa feel like such an obscure solution to me lol? I'm a Jonsa, but it's not something that seems super obvious or direct in the story. If I hadn't known about the theory and was a casual reader with little knowledge of the evidence, I don't think I would have even seen Jon as a possible Sansa love interest. Do you think this is intentional?

You know, I've read the ASOIAF books and never saw any romance there except for Ned and Cat. And then one day watching the Show I saw romance. It was in the form of two supposed distant half siblings reuniting after years of separation and suffering. And curiously enough, they looked like Ned and Cat younger versions.

At that time of my life I decided to re-read those books and while doing that I had several epiphanies, like this one:

“No one will ever marry me for love.”

Be glad the Imp preferred his whores. It would not be fitting for my son to take that dwarf's leavings, but as he never touched you . . . How would you like to marry your cousin, the Lord Robert?" The thought made Sansa weary. All she knew of Robert Arryn was that he was a little boy, and sickly. It is not me she wants her son to marry, it is my claim. No one will ever marry me for love. But lying came easy to her now. "I . . . can scarcely wait to meet him, my lady. But he is still a child, is he not?" "He is eight. And not robust. But such a good boy, so bright and clever. He will be a great man, Alayne. The seed is strong, my lord husband said before he died.

—A Storm of Swords - Sansa VI

“By right Winterfell should go to my sister Sansa.” 

—A Dance with Dragons - Jon I

“Winterfell belongs to my sister Sansa.” 

—A Dance with Dragons - Jon IV

In the south, every great house of Westeros were fighting to get Sansa’s hand in marriage in order to take Winterfell and the north under their control. Sansa reflects about this objectification in the books and gives us one of the saddest lines in ASOIAF, especially coming from a girl who yearns to be loved and always dreamed of getting married: “No one will ever marry me for love,” (because everyone only wants her for her claim to Winterfell and the north).

Meanwhile at the Wall…

Jon Snow was offered legitimation, Winterfell’s Lordship and a wildling bride (Val) by King Stannis Baratheon, in order to gain the northern lords and the wildlings support to his claim to the Iron Throne. And Jon Snow rejected it all by saying: “By right Winterfell should go to my sister Sansa.” (A Dance with Dragons - Jon I) and “Winterfell belongs to my sister Sansa.” (A Dance with Dragons - Jon IV).

Yes, Jon’s answer was Sansa. Winterfell belongs to Sansa. He could have said “Winterfell belongs to my sisters Sansa and Arya” or “Winterfell belongs to my true-born sisters” or “Winterfell belongs to the Starks.” But no. He said, more than once, that Winterfell belongs to Sansa.

Unlike Tyrion, Willas, Theon, Littlefinger or even little Robert, who pursued Sansa’s claim over her, there was a man who was offered Winterfell and chose Sansa over her claim: “By right Winterfell should go to my sister Sansa.” – “Winterfell belongs to my sister Sansa.” Among all the high lords interested in becoming the Lord of Winterfell by marrying Sansa Stark, the bastard Jon Snow refused to despoil his sister Sansa of her rights, even if her claim is the one thing he has wanted as much as he had ever wanted anything.

So, do I think this is intentional??? Does this tell me anything???

For me the answer is yes, this tells me a lot.

...

Maybe I'm right and my speculations and theories and all my findings are hints for romance, or maybe they are just mere parallels and similarities without any significance, purpose, repercussion or effect, or even worse, they are just coincidence.

But when something happens that many times, it's no longer a coincidence.

Anyways, we will never know until George finish the Books.

Thanks for your message :)

[css1992]

Guilty Pleasure

[Porn AU]

Summary: Peter and Beck used to be a power couple in the porn industry, but after Beck dumps him, Peter is forced to start over. With no money, no family and nowhere to go, he doesn’t have much choice other than to keep doing porn, so he joins Just4Fans to get back on his feet and then one day he gets a very generous tip from someone under the username of YKWIM.

All the warnings listed on Part I apply.

Read on AO3

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V / Part VI / Part VII /  Part VIII  / Part IX / Part X /  Part XI / Epilogue

-x-

What the fuck was he thinking?

That was the first thought in Peter’s mind when he opened his eyes the next morning and remembered what he had done the night before. Agreeing to meet with a subscriber, really, how dumb was that? It was one of those things he did before bed when his brain was too slow to make good decisions and then the next morning there were consequences. Consequences. Peter couldn’t deal with fucking consequences, he was still struggling with the fallout of his other terrible life choices.

I should cancel, he thought, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands, trying to wake himself up.

He should definitely cancel. Right. It was only reasonable. He could tell Tony he slept on it and realized it wasn’t such a good idea, after all. Or he could just say he was sick – for the foreseeable future. Or something. He would figure it out as he typed.

He sighed heavily and reached for his phone on the nightstand, pulling up his chat with Tony. He was going to call the whole thing off – he was! – but he made one crucial mistake. Before he started typing an excuse, he re-read the conversation from the night before. He didn’t understand why or how, but Tony’s words just – inebriated him, and by re-reading them, he was put under his spell all over again.

I need to see you, he said.

Not want. Not would like. Need. The word choice wasn’t lost on Peter, but he wondered if he was reading too much into it, if maybe Tony just said the first thing that came to mind without giving it much thought. But it couldn’t be casual, could it? Nobody would say they needed something casually.

Right? 

He pictured the older man holding him close, whispering in his ear, “I need to see you”, until, somehow, in his imagination, words got lost somewhere and it became, “I need you”. Peter shivered just thinking about it. He was sure his voice would exude power and confidence, he just knew it, he  wouldn’t be able to resist Tony’s commands, and yet–

Please.

He asked nicely. Peter was hyper-aware of the fact that the word “please” had an unreasonable and slightly concerning effect on him, he should probably talk to someone about that, but it just did. It fucking did. Tony could have demanded whatever he wanted – and embarrassingly, Peter would have probably said yes. He could have been an asshole about it, pushy, like some other people were, but no. He was…

I’ll treat you right.

Peter never stood a chance, he realized, sighing, letting his phone fall off his hand and onto the bed. That man knew exactly what he was doing, didn’t he? Peter wondered if he was that transparent, if anyone who talked to him for more than five minutes could see how needy he was, how badly he craved affection. If so, how embarrassing was that? A touch-starved porn star with feelings?

Ex-porn star, his brain supplied, and Peter rolled his eyes at himself. But still, technically, he was not a porn star anymore, he was more like… A model. A social media influencer? An adult entertainer. He could settle for that.

He picked his phone back up and looked at the chat, re-reading their conversation from the night before, over and over again. At least it didn’t seem like he thought Peter was a hooker – well, he hadn’t offered money, so Peter assumed he meant it as a casual meeting, not a business transaction. Nothing else has to happen, he promised. Nobody would ask a hooker out not expecting anything else to happen.

Right?

While he freaked out wondering what exactly he had gotten himself into, his phone beeped and vibrated in his hand, as he got a notification saying he had a text from an unknown number. He frowned, because not a lot of people had his number, but when he opened the text message, his heart dropped to his stomach.

“Hey, babe, it’s Quent. I saw you unblocked me on Instagram. Can we talk?”

He felt immediately dizzy, his vision blurred and his hands shook. His only reaction was to throw the phone as far away from him as he could, as if it was on fire. His throat closed up and breathing became harder, he thought he might suffocate, as he sat up on the bed and tried to take deep breaths. Deep breaths. Tried not to get lost in his –

“I can’t do this anymore, Pete,” was the first thing he said the minute the younger man walked out of the en suite bathroom, drying his hair with a towel.

“Do what?” He asked, confused, tilting his head to the side. He watched as Beck slowly got out of bed and walked to him. Peter noticed he wasn’t naked anymore, he had put on some pants and a t-shirt. He blinked a few times, trying to make sense of the situation.

“This. Us.” He gestured between them and Peter stared at him for a few seconds, as the words flew around in his head, refusing to provide any meaning. After a couple of minutes, he laughed weakly, even though his eyes burned and his chest felt crushed. Beck’s expression remained impassive.

“You’re joking, right?” Even as he asked that, he knew in his heart that he wasn’t. His face fell when Beck simply shook his head. “Quent… What...” He didn’t even know what to say, what to ask. He took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair, trying to stop his eyes from watering, Beck hated it when he cried for no reason. “Listen, let’s just – let’s just talk about this, I’m sure–“

“There’s nothing to talk about, Peter, I’ve made up my mind. I’m sorry.” He took the two steps that separated them and ran a hand down the younger man’s wet cheek and Peter grasped it desperately, as if it could make him stay. “You’re immature, needy and quite frankly… a little boring for someone who gets fucked for a living.”

“I can do better, Quent, I can change, please don’t – don’t leave me,” he begged quietly, voice cracking, barely audible over the sound of his own sobs. Beck winced, pulling his hand away.“Don’t leave me, don’t leave me, please… Please, don’t leave me...” He shut his eyes tightly, trying to wake up from that nightmare. Just a few minutes earlier, everything was fine, they filmed a scene, Beck told him to get in the shower and the minute he walked back into the bedroom everything went to shit, how the fuck did that happen?  

“This is exactly what I’m talking about, Peter. Look at you, listen to yourself right now. It’s… Pathetic.” He looked at him like he was the saddest sight he had ever seen, a mixture of pity and disgust, annoyance and impatience. Peter remembered a time when he looked at him like he was  precious, like he was the most important person in the world… What went wrong? Where did he fuck up? How could he fix it?

“Quent, I-I – you’re all I–“

“That’s the problem, Pete,” he scoffed, shaking his head with an incredulous smile on his face. “I’m tired of being your everything, it’s exhausting. You’re exhausting.” He leaned against the wall next to the bedroom’s door, as Peter freaked out just a few feet away, thinking he was having an actual heart attack from how bad hearing that fucking hurt. “I don’t love you anymore.”

He was pulled from his memories when the doorbell rang and his heart jumped. Could it be him at the door? He couldn’t have found him, he had no idea where Ned and MJ lived – hell, he had no idea where Peter went, he didn’t even bother to ask. For all he knew, Peter could be living on the streets. He knew he had no money, no family, and he didn’t fucking care, he just fucking kicked him out, he barely gave him time to pack all of his things, his eyes were cold, arms crossed over his chest as he waited impatiently for Peter to leave. And he begged and kept begging, and–  

Fuck, he was losing it. He was going back to that dark place he had barely crawled out from just weeks earlier.

He took a deep, calming breath and shook his head, trying to get his emotions under control. It was not Beck at the door. He had no way of finding him, and Peter knew he wouldn’t even try to. The only reason he had to contact him was probably a job. He knew a lot of people in the porn industry would still try to book him through Beck, since he was his agent for so long. That was obviously the reason he was trying to reach out. Money. As always. That was all.

So he took another deep breath and walked slowly to the front door. When he checked the peephole,  Ned and MJ were casually standing outside, talking to each other like nothing was wrong in the world. He didn’t think twice and yanked the door open.

“Get dressed, loser, we’re going– what the fuck!?” MJ’s eyes almost jumped out of their sockets once she took a look at him. He knew he must look like garbage, he had no idea how he was even standing on his own two feet, he felt like his whole body was falling to pieces. He threw his arms around Ned, who was closest to him, and the older boy just pulled him close and let him bury his face in his neck, not missing a beat.

“Shh, it’s ok, buddy. Everything’s fine now.” He rubbed his back gently and Peter cried a little harder, a mixture of relief, sadness and regret filling his chest, leaving him confused and exhausted all at once. “Come on, let’s sit down for a minute. MJ, bring him some water, will you?” He pushed him lightly inside the apartment and directed him to the only piece of furniture in the living room, crouching down in front of him as MJ rummaged his tiny kitchen. “You ok, man?”

“I’m ok, I’m ok. It’s just… one of those days.” He forced a smile, trying to dry his face with the collar of his shirt. He didn’t want to tell them that Beck had tried to reach out, it would only cause them to worry unnecessarily. They were the ones who had convinced him to block his number, even if Peter insisted Beck would never call.

MJ hurried back from the kitchen and thrust a glass of water in his face, seeming a little nervous and completely out of her element. He realized that it was probably the first time they ever saw him in such bad shape, he didn’t have the energy to try to put up a strong front for them, which he always did, ever since he was a ten-year old boy. They had seen him cry before, of course, just probably not like that. Peter felt like shit and he knew he looked like it, too.

He drank the water that was offered to him just to have an excuse not to talk for a few seconds, as he tried to cool down and get himself back under control. MJ was fidgeting, standing beside Ned who was sitting on the floor, rubbing Peter’s knees comfortingly.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Ned asked, squeezing his leg, and he shook his head firmly.  

“No, thanks. I’m fine, really. Did you have plans for today?” He looked at his friends and noticed they both had their jackets on and looked ready to go out. It was, after all, a sunny Saturday morning. “I’ll go get dressed right now.” He tried to get up from the armchair but MJ placed a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s okay, we can stay in, if you want.” She assured him, still looking a little freaked out, which was funny to watch. She was never very good at comforting people.

“No, that’s stupid, come on,” He got up, forcing Ned to do the same, and headed to the bedroom, but the older boy grabbed his arm before he could go too far.

“Don’t worry, c’mon, let’s go down to our apartment, at least we have a couch.”

Peter wanted to insist that he was okay to go out, but if he was honest with himself, he was... not okay. To do anything. And he didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts.

So he just nodded at his friends and followed them downstairs. Back at their place, he plopped down on the couch with MJ next to him, as Ned headed for the kitchen. He came back with ice cream and three spoons and Peter smiled weakly, appreciating the gesture.

“So… Bad day?” Ned asked sympathetically as Peter pretended to focus on the frozen desert.

“Bad day,” he answered, simply, with a small smile on his face, and his friend nodded in understanding.

“Did something happen or…?” He insisted and Peter stuffed his mouth with enough ice-cream to give himself a brain freeze, just so he could avoid talking for a while. He shrugged.

“No, just… Memories.”

“Of course,” MJ scoffed, as she stabbed the ice-cream with her spoon. “That asshole. I can’t believe he gets to be your first love. That fucking sucks.” Peter was sure MJ didn’t mean to make him feel bad – or rather, worse – but he hadn’t even thought about that yet. The fact that Beck was his first love. His first everything, really. Nothing could ever change that fact. He swallowed the lump in his throat with a spoonful of chocolate chip ice-cream. “Don’t worry, one day you’ll find a decent man who will show you what a healthy relationship looks like, you know. That perv deprived you of even that.” MJ shook her head and Peter sighed, wincing.  

“I don’t think I can find a decent man, MJ,” he mumbled, looking down at the ice-cream pint. “I’m a certified whore now. Imagine Prince Charming googling my name and finding my gang bang video, or the fisting one.” He scoffed, shaking his head. He didn’t dare to look up at his friends, he played with the melting ice-cream and shrugged. “I’m sorry for the mental image.” His face was burning red, he hated to talk about his videos with them, but they needed a reality check. He was pretty sure they never watched the videos, so they had no idea how bad the situation was.

“Good thing you’re not looking for Prince Charming, then, Cinderella.” She rolled her eyes. “You need a man who understands that sex is just sex, it doesn’t matter how many people you slept with, or if it was filmed or not. Besides, it was just a fucking job, like any other, people use their bodies to work. Writers use their hands, waiters use their legs, you used your ass, so-fucking-what?” MJ argued and she genuinely seemed to believe her own words, which made Peter laugh a little and feel relieved that his friend didn’t think badly of him. That made one of them.

The thing was, it was a beautiful speech, big words, great ideas, but none of it meant anything because it wasn’t real. He believed MJ thought like that, but most people didn’t. Most people would look at him differently knowing he used to do porn and knowing that he still did solo stuff on Just4Fans. They would think it was fine to fantasize about him, it was fine to jerk off to him, maybe it would even be fine to have sex with him casually, but have a serious relationship with him? Probably not.

He must have been distracted for a while and jumped up a little when he felt Ned’s hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, dude. Not everyone is that narrow-minded, you know. At the end of the day, it’s just porn. A lot of people do it, even more people watch it, it’s not that big of a deal.” Ned shrugged and Peter looked at him a little surprised. He didn’t look freaked out at all by what he said earlier, which – he didn’t think he would be rude or anything, he just didn’t expect him to be so cool about it.

He smiled at him and nodded.

Peter spent the rest of the day at their place and gradually started feeling a little more like himself, a little calmer. His head hurt from such a rough morning, but having his friends by his side helped a lot. They had pizza for lunch and binge watched a sitcom for seven hours straight, which helped keep all the intrusive thoughts at bay. Well, mostly.

When he got home that night, he picked up his phone that was still lying on the floor. The screen was cracked, but at least it was still working. He quickly blocked Beck’s Instagram and his new number before he could think twice about it, and only then did he notice there was a message from Tony waiting for him, from a few hours earlier.

“Hey, gorgeous. How’s your day? I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Can’t wait to see you.”

For some weird reason, reading that message soothed him. It should have freaked him out, sent him over the edge again, but it didn’t. He had forgotten all about the fact that he agreed to meet Tony, but he was glad he did. He felt exhausted from all the emotions he had to deal with all day long and he thought he didn’t want to do anything but sleep it off, but talking to Tony sounded like an even better idea somehow.

“Not so good, I’m a little tired, but I’ll survive. How was yours, daddy?”

He wasn’t surprised when he got an answer right away.

“I’m sorry to hear that, kitten. I’d give you a foot rub if I was there, would that help?” Peter couldn’t help but smile at that message, which was a little shocking to him, he thought he had lost the ability to do that hours ago.

“That would help a lot, daddy.” He sighed, rolling onto his side, burying himself under the covers. “I wish you were here.” He didn’t expect to mean it so much, not when he was talking to a virtual stranger, but Tony had such a weird effect on him when they talked. Peter felt like he knew him, like they were intimate, like he was safe. And none of that made any sense, but he couldn’t help it.

“I wish I were there, too. I’d take good care of you.” Fuck, and he kept saying those things. Those beautiful things that made his stomach turn and his head hurt and his heart go wild. He was so fucked. “Dinner’s still up? Does Thursday night work for you?”

“Thursday works fine. I’m just a little nervous.” He curled on his side, looking closely at the cracked screen. Immediately, Tony started typing an answer.

“Please don’t be, sweetheart, I promise you’ll have a good time. We’ll have a nice meal, some fine wine, a good talk. What’s not to like?” That was exactly what Peter thought the previous night, and it had made perfect sense in his head. When he woke up, though, it didn’t sound reasonable at all. And now there he was, hypnotized again by Tony’s charm.

“I don’t know.” He bit his lip, wondering if he should say what he wanted to say or if it would be weird.

“Then, please, don’t worry. You can leave at any second if you don’t feel comfortable.”

“Okay.” He replied, worrying his bottom lip, working up the nerve to say what was on his mind. “Look, you know I’m not, like… a prostitute, right? Nor an escort. I just post dirty pictures online, which might be misleading, but I’m not a sex worker. I hope you know that.” There, he said it. He held his breath as he waited for Tony’s answer, who kept typing for what felt like ages.

“To be completely honest, no, I was not sure, and I didn’t want to offend you by asking, but this changes nothing. I didn’t ask to meet you for that, I hope you know. I just really need to see you in person. I like talking to you here, but I’d love to hear your voice, see your smile, make you laugh. I promise I have no ulterior motives.”

“Oh, you’re good.” Peter joked lightly, because it seemed like Tony always knew what to say to wrap him around his little finger.

“I am, baby, I promise. You’ll see.”

He was pretty sure he had heard similar promises before, beautiful words without any meaning. Still, for some reason, it wasn’t hard to believe him.

-x-

Tag list (please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed from the list):  @sadachmesarthim @iamnotparticularlyproud

[seriouslyblacklikemysoul]

Until Forever - Sirius Black

Hey you beautiful people! Last chapter of Part I. 

MASTERLIST I | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII | VIII | IX | X |XI | XII | XIII

Chapter 14. 1978.

           Darkness was infinite and pain would linger on forever. There was no hope; hope was the biggest illusion human kind had manufactured in order to keep going when there was absolutely no fucking point. A black void was everything that ever was; nothing more that the absolute nothing. She felt weightless, as if the waves of the raging black sea could tear her to pieces, throw her to the rocks. Then, she felt as heavy as the universe – drowning in the mere thought of water. Her body felt tired, her mind was restless; not in a good way. She though that life went on but to her, that was the saddest part of it all.            It could end two ways, both equally tragic. Either she would die amongst the rest or she would live. She didn’t know what worse. Truly, never having the chance to see her family again or staying behind? Her entire body got goosebumps and her hands were trembling. She had tried to drink her problems away, just for a few hours, but it only made her sadder, lonelier.                Until she left. She wasn’t celebrating – she couldn’t celebrate the new year. Each passing second, fate was approaching them, faster than she had ever realized. Usually, it was the past that made people sad; well, she was the exception to that as well. She really wanted to go home, for this to be over, to give up Hogwarts and magic and the people. She just wanted her home back, her life, her choices – the ability to choose.                          She was making a run for it. After half an hour of pretending, she said her goodnight, only to few people – well, to the Potters. She couldn’t deal with questions and avoided them like bullets. Once the doors closed behind her, all the silence of the world crushed upon her; and it was louder than the loudest sound. It was suffocatingly loud. Refusing to go back inside, she climbed to her room, kicking her heels off, before even closing the door. A soft tune was stuck in her mind and the Greek poem that accompanied it – the moonlight sonata.              

Let me come with you.

This house can’t bear me anymore.

I cannot endure to bear it on my back.

You must always be careful, be careful,

to hold up the wall with the large buffet

to hold up the table with the chairs

to hold up the chairs with your hands

to place your shoulder under the hanging beam.

And the piano, like a closed black coffin. You do not dare to open it.

You have to be so careful, so careful, lest they fall, lest you fall. I cannot bear it.

Let me come with you.

This house, despite all its dead, has no intention of dying.

It insists on living with its dead

on living off its dead

on living off of the certainty of its death

and on still keeping house for its dead, the rotting beds and shelves.

Let me come with you.

Oh, are you going? Goodnight. No, I won’t come. Goodnight.

I’ll be going myself in a little. Thank you.

              She softly spoke the words to the still air as she was looking outside of her window, a wave of nostalgia crushing to her like a tsunami. She was deep into her thoughts, into her world of roses, poems, stardust and a serene chaos. She felt at peace in the midst of a hurricane, within dramatic lines, written by poets with elegant noses and strong beliefs. The music kept repeating memories, stirring them up as it went on. She didn’t want a happy ending, she sadly realized; she wanted tragedy, passion and catastrophe; she wanted everything and nothing. She wanted absolution. Just like every heroine in the ancient tragedies; it was in her nature.                      He didn’t dare to speak, to make a sound; he held his breath in fear of waking up from the tender dream he was having; a vision right before his eyes. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea, but he felt pulled towards her as if he had no other place to be; as if he was meant to be in her room. She knew that someone was watching her, and she already guessed who but took her time to face with him, with an all-knowing smile.               He was caught of guard, trying to retain his posture and temper or he would just turn around and run away for good. Feeling rather ashamed that he got caught, not that he was invading her privacy, he looked at the floor, blushing ever so slightly. She really didn’t mind. How could she?                    “Do you like it?” she airily asked him, as she remained by the window. He gulped. He knew she was talking about the poem he heard her recite but he couldn’t shake her image, entering the ballroom. Yes, he loved it.                        “I didn’t know that one” he admitted quite subtly. She wasn’t surprised; it was by a Greek poet and it was an intense portrayal of the subject of loneliness and alienation of the uncommitted individual. The lady in the poem represented that part of the old world, which the poet thought it was condemned to perish with its aristocratic past because of its aversion to adapt and participate in the process of change. She thought that if anyone understood that feeling, was him.              “I know” she melodiously informed him. She was enticing and it was hard for him to stay away. Not that he wanted to, in any case. No, he didn’t know which magical poem had stolen her heart but he did know that she was standing under the moonlight, her essence becoming ethereal. How evident it became? She didn’t believe in happiness and that scared him; he could feel for her but even he believed that there has to be a better way, it has to get better. She seemed to contradict him by simply suggesting that there was no point in … well, anything.              Such a hopeless wanderer’s soul, she had. She was made from a different material, a nihilist and an idealist, a desperate romantic and a catastrophic pragmatist. How wonderfully vague her outlines were. Maybe it was because she was wearing a gold waterfall for a dress, but he knew better – he just couldn’t stop gawking.; to be fair he was an 18-year-old boy.            “Why did you leave so soon?” he asked her without hesitation, as if al the barriers had collapsed under the moonlight. She solely focused on his eyes and he could not avert his gaze.                   “Tristes sous leurs déguisements fantasques - I believe it is” she quoted Verlaine and that, he did know. Sad beneath fantastic disguises. Why would she ever feel that way? He was only fooling himself. He was lying, pretending not to feel the way he did, pretending that there was nothing between them, pretending he was happy torturing Marlene, pretending everything was fine and the way they were supposed to be.         “Votre âme est un paysage choisi” he quoted back, letting her know that his French was so much better than hers and that he paid attention to the details. He truly did. It was almost inappropriate for her to like him or even to think about how his eyes shined liked spilled mercury under the moonlight. However, the biggest problem was that it was unrequited.                             He took one step towards her direction, fully aware of the fragile moment they shared. She saw the shift in his eyes and her entire mind was screaming to her to shut up. Everyone else was probably celebrating in the midst of an upcoming war but she was fighting another one all on her own. Keeping secrets from the people whom their fates were sealed and she could not do a thing was becoming heavier by the second and that broke her.        

           “What – what is really happening here, love?” he questioned her with a slight anger lingering on in his voice – anger that he didn’t know he was experiencing. She was surprised by the very thought of him being angry. He wasn’t angry at her per se, he was really shaken off about not being in the known, having blanks that he had to fill by himself when it should have been her answers instead of his imagination.              She wanted to tell him everything and then her mind went to the time he spent in prison for no reason at all, and she swallowed hard. How would she ever be able to come clean about that. Remus was a bit easier – yes, he was still very hurt and shocked and everything in the middle but Sirius… it was always different with him. It was always different when it came to him – she was …                  “I want to tell you but it’s too much. Please don’t ask me to be honest with you. Not on that level. Anything else, I will answer. Not that” she finally told him. At least, she was acknowledging all the hypocrisy and all the lying, he thought. He wasn’t looking for that answer though, he wanted the real reason behind her entire existence in his life, and so he closed the gap between them. His tall frame was towering over her, her back was pressed to the wall next to the window and his eyes were piercing her face for clues.                    “No. You don’t get to do that. I have been nothing but honest with you about everything. You don’t get to hide now” he pushed further, making her arch her eyebrow. As he realized that he had overstepped the boundaries, he tried to take a step back but her finger was already poking his chest through his unbuttoned shirt and undone tie.                  “You? Honest? Really? Is that what you tell yourself before you go to sleep? That you are honest with me? Or that you’re honest with yourself? Because neither -                        “Fine, what do you want me to say?” he cut her off, revealing his hot temper with a flush that appeared in his face – something she had never seen before and she had to remind herself that this Sirius was not the one from the books. He wasn’t a character anymore; he was a real person – breathing down on her.                            She closed her eyes, not wanting to create any more tension that what had already been created but he was not having it. He wanted answers, now more than ever, even if he knew that he, himself, had been lying all that time – this was not the same. He was lying about his feelings; she was lying about everything.                        “Who are you? Who could you possibly be to come here through the fucking sky? To come here and turn everything upside down. To make me question things that I thought I had figured out long ago. To make me jealous of my own best friend and to make me want to destroy every sound thing. Who are you?” he bombarded her with accusations that he wanted figured out now. And all it took was one hot second before she screamed the answers back to him, each hitting like a bullet to his heart, each being louder and louder only to finish off with a dead silence.                        “You think you are the one suffering? I have been trapped here for too long, I miss my home, my family, my life. I want out. I am done playing a stupid part in this scenario. I know everything. I know how are you going to end up, when, where, who dies, who lives, who fucking betrays – because I came from the sky. The fucking sky. I don’t know how or even who I am anymore. I thought you were a book character and every single thing was only real in my imagination and the pages of seven books. But no. I fucking live in the damn past – not mine. NO. A past from a different possibility. Twenty years before my birth date. And of course, out of every mistake I could possibly make, every choice gone mad, I had to - ”.

           Usually, there were two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When people were afraid, they tend to pull back from life, when in love, the open up to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement and acceptance. And while fear was easier, almost natural to them, they knew that they had to step outside their comfort zone.                  Not finishing off her sentence, leaving it there hanging in the middle of the thick air between them, was her way of giving him space to decide and her a breather. Her mind was yelling at her to stop and think about all those things that actually mattered but not every act was a result of sensibility. Her accusing finger was still on his chest; as a matter of fact, her entire palm was being pressed against his skin – not his shirt anymore. The information was not new to him; he knew, deep down he did.              Each night before he would fall asleep, he was trying to decode and figure her out, even just a bit. He was repeating the things she had said during the day, realizing just how much of an insight she had and wondering if it was just that or… It started of small, a few words of more than wisdom were spoken, a few things were said that she could not possibly know about… and the ever-present aura of secrecy. Her tattoos were one thing, her words were another. It wasn’t news to him and she noticed that. Her anger calmed down to a side smile.                “But you already knew” she concluded and her touch became gentler against his chest. Gentle as a fire. He looked at her with a desperate look, as if he wanted to do so much, to say so much but couldn’t. Sirius was a lot of things, but he wasn’t a cheater.             Instead of pushing her against the wall and kissing her like he had already pictured in his head about a million times, he stepped back and he sat on the bed, eyes always glued to her.              “I think I did” he agreed, more to his own mind than to her words. She took a deep breath and used the chair in front of the boudoir, to the left of the big window, facing him while at the same time keeping her distance.                          “I still don’t think I can tell you everything, Sirius” she softly apologized but he shook his head.                    “It’s okay. It’s okay if I am the one dying, love, or the one going mad. You will tell when or if you’re ready. I’m sorry for… this” he said, indicating the space between them but she brushed it off. How much longer would she able to keep it hidden from James and Peter, she didn’t know.                  “Sirius… it’s not that simple. I know what I know from the books. So, basically, from I come from, the dimension and the time period, you, the boys, Hogwarts… magic, everything is fiction and contained within seven books that are not even about you. While these books go on, you are older and have gone through a lot. I know that part. I don’t know if it will happen the way it was supposed to, since I am here and I wasn’t supposed to, I think, but I also can’t change much in this plot. Or even if I can, I don’t know if I should. Messing with time and history is not something I am looking forward to do. Although, if I could change some things, I would without blinking” she admitted, staying as close to the truth as she could, without revealing too much. How could she face him and tell him what was about to happen to him in a few years? He wouldn’t even get to turn her age before Azkaban… and that hit her differently.                        “I know that there is something dark in the things you are not saying. And I know that I am neither the one who dies nor the one who lives from the way your eyes never met mine when I said it. Maybe the one who goes crazy but not exactly. That’s okay. It would happen either you were here or not. It’s better that you are. I don’t know if it is for you… I cannot imagine the weight of all those things. I am sorry” he told her sincerely. They shared so many things; intuition, depth, passion. And a five-year gap.            “So you see, celebrating didn’t feel appropriate” she concluded airily. But he looked at her in a perplexed expression.                  “On the contrary. We should. Now more than ever. Because after all, we only have this moment, isn’t that so?” he proposed and she was astonished because he was right. He didn’t want to talk about it more, knowing that something bad happened to all of them, and that she didn’t want to say what. He understood her – it was cruel, such disastrous things being delivered by her. She held answers to questions they hadn’t even thought about yet. He could never blame her for not coming forward. Even though he wanted to be her confidant, the one she would spill her heart out he knew that she wouldn’t. Some things were better left unsaid… but…not forever.                      “You should go back to your friends” she suggested, as she felt worn out, wanting nothing more than to get out of the dress and makeup.                                  “I thought we were friends” he chuckled darkly, earing a fixed glance from her piercing eyes.            “Oh Sirius. You and I…we could never be friends” she admitted and there was not a single shy cell in her body. Her entire mind had shut up and every word coming out of her mouth was a sharp slap across his face, hitting him with the truest statement she could have said. He licked his lips and tamed his tongue not to respond the only way he truly wanted to as he got up and buttoned up again, to rejoin the party.                      “Remus knows?” he asked but it came out as a bold statement. He was jealous he wasn’t the first one to know this, or how her lips felt against his. He shook the image out of his head and focused his eyes one her. She was radiant but she wasn’t fooling anyone – she might have worn a gold dress but she was the moon, dark, secret and almost untouchable. Almost.                    “He does” she confirmed, realizing just how jealous he could get. She didn’t like possessiveness, mainly because she was the one being possessive in her previous relationships, but with Sirius…she could, perhaps, turn a blind eye. He was unexpected in every way, to her. He was biting his lip, deep in thought. It was tragically doomed and yet he found beauty among the disaster. It was fragile and soft, so tender but raw, catastrophe pouring down at everything. It was problematic – making homes out of people. But he had never felt more at home than with people; his best mates, his school, her.  His house never felt like a home and yet he was surrounded by it. And now, a strange feeling washed over his heart. What was he doing, letting her go?                He waned to kiss her, without a warning, with permission, without even deciding to do so but simply because he couldn’t think of anything else. He needed that breath she was holding. It belonged to him and he wanted it back. But there was that small voice, so ever faint, that told him it was not the time nor the place to do so. He had to physically stop from heading towards her rather than the door. And he didn’t know why he stopped.             “Love, I…” he started but she gave him a sharp look.                        “Don’t” she whispered and he left with a heartbreaking look on his delicate features.       

           She found an excuse not to return to the party. She would find an excuse to return to Hogwarts as soon as possible, otherwise her entire being would implode and no one would even notice. She would just collapse under the pressure of knowledge and no one would even understand how hard her life had suddenly become. She was the girl who wanted to know everything, who went looking for knowledge every place she visited and she had become the girl who wished she didn’t know the future, who was oblivious and blissful, who stayed silent and didn’t challenge the world.                It was too early. Too late maybe. No one was partying, no one was in the living room, no one was making any sound. She tiptoed around a bit. The fireplace was livid, calming and consuming at the same time as if it was calling to her. Everything will end up in flames. Not ice, but hellfire. It was the saddest thing she could have thought of. Protecting a breakable heart. What if she got the chance to leave?              “Would I?” she whispered to herself. No. And that feeling of knowing that she wouldn’t be able to leave even if she did find a way, that she wouldn’t go back to her own family and her own life, that very feeling made her realize that this was indeed her home, that the people in this reality were her family and that this was her now. And she had to fight for her home and her family. She had to at least try.              “We missed you at the party” a soft voice caught her off guard. She took a deep breath. This was it. This hide and seek had to end. Once she turned around, he saw how serious she was and immediately understood that something was off. His eyes were tired but alert, his whole body language was signaling that he was able to grasp the severity of whatever she had to say to him.                        “There is something I need to tell you but you’ll need to sit down, James”.

__ Taglist: @must-be-a-weasley-92​ @megalificent​ @fific7​ @maraudersangel​ @tb-ctn 

[spidermanifested]

remember when i said in my post about how bido is unappreciated that id talk about why greed/bido is a good and important ship but thats a whole other post. well This is that post

the first and most important reason that greed/bido is a good ship is very simple and that reason is Bido Was In Love With Greed The Whole Time And Nobody Noticed?????? how come nobody noticed. i mean SOME people noticed but nowhere NEAR enough people noticed

when greed compliments bido for successfully proving that alphonse is just a soul bound to a suit of armor, he blushes and acts very flustered and happy. unfortunately this scene is not animated in either show (bido talking to greed is changed to be over the phone in 03, and in brotherhood the scene just gets skipped, HOWEVER theres a single shot of bidos face in one of greeds flashbacks that shows him blushing and looking directly at the camera. ie at greed)

also in the manga his first thought when the military shut down the nest was to worry about whether greed SPECIFICALLY was okay (i used this page in my other post as well but its important)

and in brotherhood he was shown to have actually followed greed through the sewers during his fight with bradley but could only watch from his hiding place as greed was defeated and taken away; remembering this is what gives him the determination to hitch a ride to central to look for him

did i mention he went all the way to central to find him!!! clinging to a MILITARY TRUCK no less. as a very obvious chimera if he had been found by any of those soldiers it would have been horrible for him and every other time we ever saw bido faced with danger he ran away from it. but he was brave For Greed. he went into the labyrinth under central For Greed, and didnt try to escape until he was convinced greed wasnt there. and when it turned out he WAS there (and had lost his memory and had been trying to kill him) he immediately dropped his guard and walked closer to him because that was greed and he trusted him despite everything that had just happened. in the manga he grabs onto greeds coat as he dies and it is just about the saddest thing ive ever seen in my whole life

and then of course greed starts physically shaking because what he just did was so awful his body knows he fucked up before his mind even remembers Why it was fucked up and he cradles bidos body in his arms and screams. unfortunately if we are to acknowledge bido as the gay icon he was, we also must acknowledge that he was buried

(by all rights bido SHOULD have survived. where is the fanfiction where he survives fullmetal alchemist fandom or are you too busy writing the same royai-gets-married-and-has-babies fic over and over again. actually never mind i greatly prefer that to all the pedophilia. but thats another Other post, that unlike this incredibly niche topic some other people have almost definitely made before me)

the thing about grido is you could make a huge tragic thing about it being unrequited and frankly thats Fair, greed does not seem one to settle down in a relationship and bido likely has a lot of self worth issues that would prevent him from confessing his feelings. but you cannot deny that greed cared about him. he praises him, he pats him on the head (!!)

he COMPLETELY breaks down after he realizes he killed him. bido was so important to greed, as were the rest of the chimeras of course but i think theres a valid argument to be made that bido in particular was special to him. theyve got a few things in common actually that i find interesting:

both like to just chill on roofs??? when greed is in lings body he sometimes just hangs out on top of a roof. bido does this too

they could have hung out on roofs together.......maybe thats why greed likes to be up there. because he hung out with bido on roofs a lot. please consider this possibility

both of them are accidentally rude to children. the same children in fact

greed is like 200 and looks 30 while bido is middle-aged and people think he is a baby for some reason?????

okay this is just straight up a headcanon and has no actual basis in the text or subtext of fma but I Think Bido Is Trans and was cast out by his family in his youth and greed would understand that experience!!!! having left his own terrible family because they wanted him to be someone he wasnt

and then there are the differences:

greed is very outgoing and bido is mostly pretty anxious, though he has outbursts of confidence; that might be because greed being nice to him has built up his self-esteem (the way he calls himself cool/awesome when he escapes from the elrics, directly followed by greed complimenting his skills, really makes me think this is the case)

one is tall and lean........the other...is short and fat....... i know its cliche but let me have this

bido overthinks things. greed is a jock. with their powers combined they can do things at a mostly reasonable pace (as long as bido doesnt just go along with whatever greed wants which is probably most of the time what happens)

bido is outwardly inhuman and weird-looking but is incredibly caring and hard-working and loyal and sweet. greed is the sexiest motherfucker alive but hes literally the personification of a deadly sin and at his core he is technically just a rock made of pain. but below these layers both of them want the exact same thing which is to care about others and be cared for in return

also you know that post about how ships between immortal people and super young adults (or worse, teenagers) are OUT and instead we should have stories about immortal people dating 40-something accountants. bido is the 40-something accountant. except not an accountant. you know what im getting at though hes an Established Adult 

and bido DESERVES it, he deserves to be loved by the person he cares about more than anything, he has been through so much and gotten nothing but pain and he needs something good for a change!!! and greed DESERVES someone who will love him with all his heart and make him feel wanted no matter what. just, listen to me okay, they would make each other so happy

so!!! there are MANY reasons this ship is interesting and a million different ways you could go about exploring it and there is just NONE of it out there. for some reason the chimera that gets shipped the most with greed is dolcetto (though ive seen martel as well) and i think that is probably because they are more attractive to people (and also id wager more than a few dollars people simply see a dogman and his boss and go wild for the petplay angle). like you dont see any greed/roa either and thats very telling since roa appears with the other two almost every time and nothing about him is different except hes older and not as. pretty i guess???? in my humble onion hes hotter than either dolcetto or martel but thats neither here nor there

the important thing about bidos relationship to greed is that he might not have been transmuted with an animal with a strong sense of loyalty, but he didnt NEED to be, to be loyal to greed. he loved him entirely because he was human. and in the end he did the most for him out of any of the chimeras. unfortunately it was via dying but through the power of imagination we can collectively ignore that and pretend both he and greed survived, and greed went back to his original sexy, sexy body, and they made out on a roof for several consecutive hours. thats how im coping at least. thank you so much for listening to my unhinged rambling about lizard man who dies of fullmetal alchemist (gay edition)

[anessthesiaa]

Hi PK!!! Can I please get an 11 and 22 of the angsty prompts?? Preferably with Flip or Kylo?? Like in a situation where Flip or Ky baby have cheated or something 🥺 Thank you 💕💕

oh this one was so sad! maybe the saddest piece ive done, but I chose Flip! Enjoyyyy

CW: Long term relationship, mention of cheating, angsty stuff

There was a synchronized gasp, between the three of you, perfectly harmonized with the sound of the two wine glasses crashing on the tile bathroom floor, as you dizzyingly felt yourself nearly collapse onto the porcelain tub, at the sight of Flip’s body, holding a woman you had never seen before. You didn’t know how long it had gone on, why it was happening, or how to process it. Flip gave her a nod, pulling away, as she made her way out of the sudsy water, wrapping a towel around herself and running from the bathroom.

“(Y/N), my love...sweetheart...no, don’t cry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” You tuned out his words as you collapsed to the floor, sobs racking your body, as Flip urgently pulled himself out of the tub. “It’s not like that...it’s not.” You flinched away at the feeling of Flip’s palm on your back. 

“What part of me wasn’t enough?” You cried, trying to gather yourself and calm your breathing. “What fucking part of me wasn’t enough? Why? Why why why?” You pleaded.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” Flip went on, apologizing again and again. “She just, she was just…” He trailed off, sliding down the wall behind him and holding his face in his hands. “There’s nothing, you’re so enough, all of you is plenty, I am so sorry.” You heard his voice crack, and silent sobs following.

“Flip...how am I supposed to go on? How? I can’t trust you, I can’t trust you ever again. I will never trust you again.” You took a deep breath, before standing up, facing him, before turning around and leaving to the bedroom, where you sat on the edge of the mattress that just that morning, Flip had held you so close on- it all now meant nothing, it was all gone now. When he followed behind you, to sit next to you, you let him pull you into his arms, crying into his chest. It was all you know for comfort, all you knew for affection. 

“My love, we can work it out...we can get through this, please stay with me, please, please.” Flip planted soft kisses on your hair as he pleaded. “Please, (Y/N).”

You lifted yourself up from his hold, to gather yourself again, wiping the tears away that had fallen. “I can’t stay with you, I can’t be here.” You told him. “I’m going to be moving back home for now, Flip, I really, really truly hope the best for you, I hope you find someone that makes you whole.” 

The rest of the night was soft-spoken, Flip helped you pack your bags, listened as you called your parents, to let them know you’d be on your way back home in the morning. You vowed to spend one final night with Flip, sleeping in his arms, feeling his kisses along your neck and shoulder blades when your night terrors awoke you, letting him hold you as you laid sleepless at four-a.m, crying until your cheeks and eyes were puffy and swollen, listening to his reassurances, trying to find any solace that you possibly could.

The morning was silent, not a word spoken between the two of you, as you gathered the rest of your things, standing by the living room door, waiting to see your father’s headlights pull into the driveway, you had already told him not to speak to Flip, to let you deal with it yourself. As you saw the lights nearing the house, you couldn’t help but let a tear escape, and Flip followed behind you, not to beg, not to plead or apologize over and over again, to say goodbye, to give you one final kiss. And that was all he did, using the big, warm soft pad of his thumb to wipe your tears away, pulling you close to him, and planting a gentle kiss on your forehead. 

“Go be happy.” He told you, a tear slipping down his cheek. “Go live your life, you have so much to live for.”

[alicedoessurveys]

Doctor Who Tag

yes im a nerd...

CHILDHOOD

1. Did you like DW as a child?

I was 10 when it came back on telly with Eccleston and the first episode with the autons scared me so much my mom wouldn't let me watch it again until a couple years later, but yeah my teens I was obsessed with DW... still am at age 25

2. Your age at the time of the revival?

10

3. First DW episode you ever saw?

‘Rose’

4. Did you have any of the toys?

I still have the eleventh doctor’s screwdriver... I used to have some of the figures but there in storage now somewhere

5. Which DW character did you play on the playground?

didn't play it on the playground

6. Monster(s) that scared you most as a child?

all of them! the ones that still scare me now are the Cybermen and the Autons... genuinely cant walk past a shop mannequin without being suspicious 

7. Joke/story you didn’t get as a kid?

as a kid, any of the innuendo type jokes

8. DW opinion that has changed since you were a kid?

idk I think I still have the same opinions

9. Who introduced you to DW?

parents

10. Did you like Sarah Jane Adventures as a child?

I LOVED SJA!! I miss that show, and Elizabeth Slade :(

DOCTOR

11. Who is your Doctor?

Ten was the doctor that made me fall in love with Doctor Who 

12. Your favourite Doctor?

omg why not just ask me who my favourite child is... (I don't have kids but you know what I mean) if I had to chose my top three are ten, eleven and thirteen

13. Least favourite Doctor?

purely just because he doesn't have enough episodes... nine...

14. Best regeneration?

none of them I hate regenerations :( they make me sad, im too emotionally invested in every single one

15. Do you like “Doctor-Lite” episodes?

they're not my faves

16. Who is the most human Doctor?

I think nine maybe? or twelve?

17. Best multi-Doctor story?

the 50th anniversary special 

18. Best Doctor monologue?

“Hello Stonehenge! who takes the pandorica, takes the universe. but bad news everyone, cause guess who? HA! You lot you're all whizzing about- its really very distracting. Could you all just stay still a minute because I AM TALKING. Question of the hour is, who's got the pandorica? Answer, I do. Next question, who's coming to take it from me? Come on, look at me! No plan. No backup. No weapons worth a damn. oh and something else, I don't have anything to lose. So, if you're sitting up there in your silly little spaceship with all your silly little guns and you've got any plans on taking the pandorica tonight... just remember who's standing in your way. remember ever black day I ever stopped you and then- AND THEN- do the smart thing... let somebody else try first.”

not copied and pasted, remember that from the top of my head... its always there waiting in my mind incase I ever need an epic monologue :’)

19, What do you think TenToo/MetaCrisis Doctor is doing now?

hopefully living his best life with Rose

20. Best Doctor/companion pairing?

ten and donna 

COMPANIONS

21. Favourite companion?

Donna, Clara, Amy

22. Favourite secondary companion?

is Mickey classed as secondary? idk

23. Least favourite companion?

Ryan

24. Best TARDIS Team?

Doctor, Amy and Rory

25. Most underrated companion?

Graham, but that may just be cause I love Bradders

26. Most overrated companion?

Rose... I like her but idk, I think she gets more hype than she deserves.. don't @ me

27. Favourite companion’s family?

Rose’s mom

28. Who should have been a companion but wasn’t?

idk I cant think of anyone

29. Favourite (canon or non-canon) DW universe relationship?

Amy and Rory

30. Who did you not used to like, but really like now?

wasn't keen on Bill at first but by the end I really liked her, same with Rory

EPISODES

31. Favourite episode ever?

girl in the fireplace

32. Least favourite episode?

most of Chibnall’s episodes tbh sorry not sorry 

33. Which episodes do you skip?

the regeneration episodes

34. Best two-parter?

Human Nature - Family of Blood

35. Historical, present day or futuristic episodes?

I like them all in there own way but I think present is fave, then historical, then future

36. Episode that will always make you smile?

all of them

37. Episode that will always make you cry?

Rory and Amy’s last episode :’(

38. Best run of episodes?

ugh I cant answer this theres too many 

39. Best cliffhanger?

the end of Spyfall part one when the Master reveals who he is... I was SHOOK

40. Favourite Christmas special?

Voyage of the Damned

SERIES

41. Classic Who or New Who?

new who

42. Favourite series?

four or five

43. Least favourite series?

eleven, I just cant with the writing

44. Which series do you skip?

none

45. Favourite series opening?

eleventh hour

46. Favourite series finale?

Doomsday

47. Best series arc?

Bad Wolf

48. Thoughts on series 11/12?

I adore Jodie Whittaker and her doctor, and although I think 3 companions is too many I do love Yaz and Graham (Ryan is hit & miss). I just think theyve been massively let down by the stories/writing... they’ve tried to hard to tick certain boxes and completely missed what Doctor Who is about for a lot of people.. an escape from the real world into these outrageous unbelievable but lovable fun alien adventures 

49. How much of Classic Who have you seen?

not a lot

50. Who should have had another series?

NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE 

MONSTERS

51. Favourite monster/villain?

the master 

52. Most creative monster?

Weeping Angels, whoever came up with monsters that look like statues and only move when you're not looking at them is genius 

53. Monster(s) that scares you most?

Autons, Cybermen, the creepy dolls from Night Terrors, the ones from Waters of Mars, Weeping Angels

54. Monster you think is too easy to defeat?

idk

55. Least favourite monster/villain?

absorbaloff

56. Monster you want to return?

The Master, I really hope that isn't the last we see of Dhawan

57. In your opinion, what makes a monster good?

being genuinely scary, 

58. Daleks, Cybermen or Weeping Angels?

Weeping Angels

59. Best Dalek story?

Daleks in Manhatten

60. Best one time villain/monster?

my brain has gone blank I cant think of an answer right now 

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

61. Torchwood or Sarah Jane Adventures?

SJA

62. Favourite Torchwood Team member?

I haven't watched it all so I couldn't say 

63. Which Torchwood death made you saddest?

again, not watched it all 

64. Do you rewatch COE or MD?

huh

65. Favourite SJA Team member?

Sarah Jane

66. Mr Smith or K-9?

K-9

67. Maria or Rani?

Rani

68. Do you read the comics/novels or listen to Big Finish?

Nope

69. If you do, your favourite additional stories?

n/a

70. Do you like DW analysis (video essays, fan theories, etc)?

yes

DESIGN/PRODUCTION

71. Favourite piece of alien tech?

the sonic, I love how it is so multipurpose except for when it comes to wood 

72. Favourite piece of Murray Gold music?

I am the Doctor - gets me pumped every time 

73. Favourite TARDIS design?

Ten’s Tardis 

74. Has the 2005 era CGI aged well?

actually yeah, I was rewatching the ‘are you my mummy’ episodes the other day and my God when the gas masks emerged from the faces... ooooooof I was like omg how 

75. Favourite Doctor outfit?

eleven or thirteen

76. Monster with the best design?

not really a design more of a costume.. I live Dhawan master’s costume. that shade of purple, oof he so stylish 

77. Best show runner?

idk

78. Best writer?

Gatiss

79. Best opening titles?

eleven’s titles where the Tardis is flying and being zapped is cool but thirteens music hits different 

80. Will DW age well/stay popular in the future?

I hope so, I feel like its lasted this long surely it can last forever.. if the writers don't fuck it up... 

IF YOU WERE IN THE SHOW

81. Time period you’d want to go with the Doctor?

whatever time means Id get to wear the most beautiful costumes

82. Planet/place you’d want to go with the Doctor?

Galifrey, pre-desctruction

83. Doctor you’d most like to travel with?

any of them, please and thank you

84. Companion you’d most like to travel with?

donna, sceso a good laugh but also I feel like she’d look after me 

85. Monster you’d like to defeat/fight?

The Master 

86. If you could go back on your own history (like Father’s Day), where would you go?

back to when I was a toddler, I wanna see what I was like 

87. If you could ask the Doctor anything, what would you ask?

theres too many to ask 

88. Historical figure you’d like to meet?

Shakespeare

89. How do you think you’d meet the Doctor?

id probably be rescued from doing something stupid and then the doc would be like you know what the bitch clearly needs supervision she's coming with me 

90. Would you travel forwards or backwards in time first?

backwards

IF YOU MADE THE SHOW

91. Historical event would you like to see in DW?

Hamilton

92. Issue you’d like to see addressed in DW?

idk 

93. Who would you completely erase from the DW universe?

Ruth

94. One unanswered DW question you’d love to know the answer to?

where is Clara now?

95. Actor/actress you’d like to see play the Doctor?

Phoebe Waller Bridge (or Lin Manuel Miranda)

96. Actor/actress you’d like to see play a companion?

Andrew Scott (yes I did just basically recast fleabag and hot priest)

97. Is DW “too political”?

series 11 got a bit like that 

98. Which characters fate would you changed?

Danny Pink

99. What about DW could be improved?

I think ive made my options about Chibnall pretty clear... 

100. If you could write an episode of DW, any ideas for what you’d do

bring back Jenny, the Doctor / Daughter adventures they would have. I’m actually writing a fic about it if you wanna read.... here

[yeoldontknow]

Trying to get into BTS, so where do I start?? It seems your blog is knowledgeable 😂 Also I still can't pick a EXO bias cause I mainly know the music but not much about them personally... any help?

hi angel! i saw this ask come in on @kpopfanfictrash‘s blog too, and she wrote probably the best into post to BTS ive ever seen in my entire life? it honestly reminded us both of like the week after we became friends and i was like ‘i think i want to get into bts but im so ~~~ idk where to start~~’ and she was like ‘WELL WAY BACK IN 1992, WHEN SEOKJIN WAS BORN’ like honestly no one is going to write a better BTS post in their life except for bts themselves so HERE IS THE LINK ANGEL

KIM JUNMYEON / SUHO:

that time he dressed as a woman for SM Town 2014 and performed to Girl’s Day “Something” - angles 1 2 and 3his profound moment during White Noise / ExorDium Japan when it literally rains around his beautiful face like the water god he isthat time he solved an IQ 146 problem in 11 seconds on problematic menthat time he sassed back to an 11 year old actress because she said she preferred BTS (all in good fun, i might add)in the same show, that time he made fun of how jongdae whineswhen chanyeol made him inhale helium and kept a straight face

KIM MINSEOK / XIUMIN

he is a marshmellowbut also he ATTACKthat time he was afraid of birdsthat time he got lit during drop that in beijingthat time exo had to write their names with their butts but minnie did it the bestthat time he and his wife kim jongdae drove around and it was adorable

BYUN BAEKHYUN

that time baekhyun lost his ass in a haunted house / honestly this whole episode is golden so please watchthat time he said his arms are diseased and shaped like lightning boltsthat time he said he wanted to get to get close with other members pre debut so he broke into the bathroom to shower with them (and exposed that sehun has the biggest dick)that time he forgot his ment and had a mental breakdown on stage during ExoLuxionthat time he moved my ass to tears during immortal song with kim jongdae

KIM JONGDAE / CHEN

that time he and chanyeol put red lipstick on and looked utterly fabulousthat time he announced suho is the most boring memberGreenDae will blow your asshole wide openDadDae will make you so softdae and his precious meat is the saddest thing you will ever seethat time he moved the world with his king of masked singer performance

PARK CHANYEOL

that time he had to act with DO and hurt himselfthat time on roommate he had to catch a chicken and … well..yeah lmaoBrad? Pitt! on law of the junglethat time he had to pretend to be your boyfriend on a radio showwhen he played the world’s tiniest drum set that time BTS performed fire and chanyeol nearly lost his asswhen he and baek played with kids for 4 hours and i criedpls do not ask him to cut your cakei want to die

DO KYUNGSOO / DO

that time he ranked all the members on weekly idol and baek sought revengealso that time on weekly idol when he had to do aegyo and wanted to die (idk why i cant find a better video of this wai)that time he did a home cooking vlive and i criedstop this mess

KIM JONGIN / KAI

that time he got to use his power of teleportation and bowl right in front of the pins but it didnt work and he whined for 15 minutesinnocently showing his absrudely showing his absthis puppy at idol olympicswhen he was scared of fireworks, why are they all like this@ every fuckin time he dances literally just go to youtube and live your life there

OH SEHUN

training vivi and being the most patient dad in the worldyehettell me how this is a maknaewhen he and kai had no idea what the hell to get for chanyeols birthday so they went to some drug store and got him hand warmersking of spoilers. pls live on his insta

ZHANG YIXING / LAY

canon that he is the most innocent human being alivecannot say jurassic park but is so pure about it my love i crylike minseok, he too is afraid of birdsthe saddest guitar lesson in the worldthis little compilation that contains the time he tried to say stir fry with red pepper and instead said penis and chanyeol fell into a voidprobably my fave dancer in kpop apart from jhope

LORD THIS TOOK SO LONG PLEASE ENJOY IT

[chrissys2boys-dannysteve]

Hope

tags: whump!danny, angst with a happy ending

“Get out of there, Danny.”

“Alright.” The blonde Detective hung up the phone and started to turn back towards the road. But then a sinking feeling hit Danny hard in the gut and he felt a cool chill creep up his spine. He took out his gun and turned back towards the warehouse with every nerve suddenly on edge and crept forward into the darkness. He stopped at the back corner, aiming his gun towards the sky and took a deep breath before peeking around the wall of the warehouse.

A tall man moved around efficiently in the semi-darkness, more intent on what he was doing than on any concern that he might be interrupted. Danny took one more deep breath to prepare himself before stepping out to aim at the suspect.

“Five-0! Don’t move or I’ll shoot!” The suspect froze quite calmly and slowly raised his hands, a phone in his right one. Danny leveled his gun on the man and approached him slowly. “Put your phone down very gently,” the blonde Detective ordered.

“Alright, Detective.” The man said, in an unshakably voice. “I’ll put it down. How about right here on this crate in front of me?”

“That’s fine.”

The suspect lowered it slowly to sit it on the crate. But the man already dialed a number and the explosion threw Danny into a nearby stack of wooden pallets.

~

Danny wanted to have a son with Steve’s eyes. Maybe they could find a surrogate…

The smell of burning wood woke the blonde Detective from the dream… everything hurt and it took Danny a while before he could move and remembered where he was. He looked around but the suspect was gone. Danny got to his feet and searched the ground until he found his gun.

The warehouse, old and dry as it had been, was completely engulfed in flames and Danny could hear the distant sound of sirens. He stumbled towards the crates where the man had been standing and hurried along the backs of the buildings. From the looks of the crates, the suspect hadn’t escaped the force of the blast. Danny had no idea how long he’d been out but he hoped his enemy had taken an equal amount of damage.

Blood trickled down into the blonde’s eyes and the heat from the burning warehouse was almost too much to bear. Danny was nearly ready to give up in order to escape the dangerous flames when he saw the front end of a white pickup parked on a dirt access road at the other side of an old pharmacy building.

The man limping around the truck probably expected to drive away and disappear into the night while everyone was focused on the flaming buildings behind him.  Danny leveled his gun at the man’s back. “Stop! You’re not going anywhere.”

The suspect chuckled. “You couldn’t just lay there for a few minutes more, now could ya?”

“I’m afraid not. You have too much to answer for, so turn around slowly.” As the suspect turned, Danny regretted his instruction almost instantly when he saw the gun in the man’s hand.

~

The man had never hesitated in his whole life… not for any person or in any situation. So he didn’t hesitate now. His first bullet hit the blonde Detective in the side, spinning him away and sending Danny’s shot into the back of the old pharmacy which was now burning like a kindred spirit to the warehouse. His second bullet stopped Danny’s heart.

The man holstered his gun and climbed into his truck. With any luck, the whole block would go up, either masking or destroying the evidence. He backed out of the little access road and headed out of town.

~

Chrissie Miller checked her monitors one more time and glanced up when the big double doors swung open. “That’s the most well trained man I’ve ever seen. Who is he?”

Her co-worker Millie chuckled and put a firm hand under Chrissie’s chin to close her mouth. “That’s Commander McGarrett. He’s here every night.”

“Oh dear God, Millie, please tell me he doesn’t have a girlfriend?”

“Sorry, honey, it’s even worse than that. He’s Detective Williams husband.”

“Oh.” A sad look washed over Chrissie’s face and she glanced down at the monitor. The readings were stable, but only because machines were helping the blonde man breath.

“It’s a sad thing.” Millie explained. “He comes in every night and sits there talking’ to his husband. He just won’t give up.”

“I don’t know if I’m cut out for this job, Millie. If I have to watch a man like that cry, I think it’ll kill me.”

Millie gave her a sad smile. “Just remember that for every tragic loss you have to watch, you get to see at least one miracle cure. You have to learn to look forward to the miracles cause they’re well worth it. Why don’t you go check on Detective Williams? Commander McGarrett’s a real nice guy.”

Chrissie took a deep breath and put on a pleasantly professional smile before walking into the blonde man’s room. The Commander was sitting next to his husband’s bed talking to him quietly.

“Hi there. I’m Chrissie Miller. I’m Detective Williams’ nurse this shift.” She shook the Commander’s hand, then washed hers and checked the blonde’s IV.

“It’s nice to meet you. I’m Commander Steve McGarrett, Danny’s husband. How did he do today?”

She smiled. “He did just fine. His daughter and his sister came to sit with him for a long time this afternoon. His vitals are stable.” She put on her more serious nurse face, “Of course he’s still unresponsive.”

Steve nodded, smiling down at the blonde man in the bed, hopefully. It’d been six weeks since Danny was found without a pulse behind a burning building. It was uncertain how long he’d been there before he was found and he’d been on life support since they brought him in. She honestly didn’t think he would hold on much longer, but she didn’t know how to say something like that to a patient’s loved ones.

“You just let me know if you need anything.”

“Okay, we will.”

Chrissie walked back out to the nurses’ station and put her head down on her arms. Millie patted her on the back. “That’s about the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“It takes some folks a while to let ‘em go.”

~

Steve leaned over to kiss Danny’s cold fingers as tears ran down his cheeks. “You gotta wake up soon, Danny, cause I think I can love nobody else.”

There was the gentlest pressure on his fingers and Steve raised his head, his eyes suddenly wide. “What was that?”

He felt it again.

~

Chrissie watched the monitors at the nurses’ station as suddenly the Commander raced to the door of the Detective’s room, slipping on the polished tiles and nearly falling. ‘Oh dear God,’ she thought. ‘Not tonight.”

She hurried over to catch the Commander’s arm expecting some problem that might finally signal the end and closure for the blonde man’s family. But the tears running down the Commander’s cheeks were the tears of desperate hope and he was smiling… a beautiful smile.

“He squeezed my hand!”

“What?!”

“I told him I can’t love nobody else but him and he squeezed my hand!”

[sassyshortstack]

I had a random flashback again today. It came out of nowhere. They got better - or rather fewer - this fall, and now it feels like they’re seeping back. They don’t last as long as they used to, but they’re just as real and even more jarring. When they come, my breath stops and I don’t realize it until my brain lands back in the present and I remember to breathe.

So, I’m going to sift through the memories in the hopes that writing about them will help keep the disturbing flashbacks at bay more. TW: cancer, death, grief, suicidal thoughts.

My sister Rebecca died on August 25, 2016. I watched it happen. But in many ways, I still don’t believe it.

On New Year’s Eve 2015, she was diagnosed with Stage IV cervical carcinoma and metastatic lung nodules. Which basically means she had a giant tumor in her uterus, and it had spread enough to cause damage to her lungs before we knew. She underwent chemotherapy and radiation for the following eight months. In the summer of 2016, she had to use an oxygen tank way too fucking often. Then one night in August, a week before she died, she started having sudden chest pain. My mom and I drove her to the ER. When they took her back to one of those terrible half-open ER rooms, with mattresses that are way worse than even the ones in my college dorms, I was with her. The nurse asked what pain level she was feeling on a scale of 1 to 10, and she managed to get out “Eight.” Somebody told my mother that Rebecca had a pulmonary embolism (a blood clot in the lung). Later that night, I asked my mom what that meant, and she told me just that - “it’s a blood clot in the lung” - but I didn’t really understand what it meant until days later.

My dad came to the hospital from the meeting he’d been at when we first brought my sister to the ER. He called my brother, who was several states away, to book a flight to come home right now, and in the back of the mind I realized that wasn’t a good thing. But I wasn’t scared. I knew my sister was stronger than this disease. I knew she’d make it. I just knew.

I wasn’t really scared until three nights later, when Dad, Andrew, and I were asleep (sort of) at home and Mom was at the hospital overnight. She called my dad at three in the morning to say Rebecca was having trouble breathing and being admitted to the ICU, and we needed to come right away. We all threw on clothes, jumped into the car, and sped off. I could feel my heart thumping so hard it was trying to escape my chest, as if my system beating harder and faster would help keep her alive too. We half ran into the ICU, and I was so afraid. I’ve never been afraid like that. I was standing on a sheer cliff of terror, ringing in my ears, my head spinning, so scared that she would be gone and I wouldn’t be there for her. My sister, my best friend in the whole world, my soulmate and guardian and inspiration and dearest love.

When we finally made it through security and all the fluorescent, sterile-smelling hallways and arrived in her room, I was relieved to see my sister alive - and then I saw our pastor standing there. Anger like I had never known pumped through me. Why the hell is she here? Rebecca isn’t dead. She shouldn��t be here, we don’t need her. I tried to push the fury aside. I played the part when she asked us to pray together, when she blessed my sister, when she read from the Bible. But inside, I was full of rage. Stop treating my sister like she’s dead. She’s right here, and she’s going to be fine. Fuck off.

And in some ways, I was right. Rebecca made it through the night. The scariest night of my life. I hated seeing her with that stupid bag under her oxygen mask, to help her breathe better. Seeing her with the oxygen tube so often earlier in the summer had been bad enough, but the mask was somehow so much worse. But she made it through the night. And the sun rose through the big glass windows by her bed, where I was perched in a chair. It was a stunningly beautiful sunrise - the sky morphed from a deep slate blue to all hues of pink and orange. I was the one sitting in the room with her when the sun came up - we were holding hands and not talking much. She nodded outside the window. “Look.”

“Yeah,” I said. “It’s so beautiful.”

“Yeah.”

At some point, one of the doctors came in to talk about their next steps, and although I don’t remember what exactly he said, he was basically telling us she’d be able to do outpatient radiation again in a couple days. My family kept saying that was good news, but I was confused and had this inexplicable bad, twisted feeling in my gut. I don’t know how I knew, but I just knew that he was wrong. If she was going to be better so soon, why did she still have to use that stupid oxygen mask? Why were we still in the ICU? I still knew deep down she’d make it, but I also knew that it wasn’t going to go the way he said it was. I felt totally spaced out. Looking back, that day - her first day in the ICU - was when the deep shock really started to settle in. We’d had tons of visitors every day she’d been in the hospital, and there were even more that day, including cousins, old teachers, church friends, work friends, and some people I hadn’t seen in years. In retrospect, that really should have been a warning to me. That night, our family friends made my mom leave the hospital instead of spending the night with her, which my brother, dad, and I were incredibly grateful for. They also made my brother and me leave to do something fun that evening.

I still just felt so wrong. I knew my sister would survive this, but I also knew the radiologist was wrong. I was moving and talking and hearing other people talk to me, but I was totally not in my own skin. We’d had tickets to see the Royals game that night, and I didn’t really want to go, but our family friends kept saying we needed to get out and do something, so Andrew, my Aunt Deb, Amanda (my cousin closest to my age, and who I’m closest with in my extended family), and I all went to the game. I was in the backseat behind Andrew, who was driving, and he and Aunt Deb were mainly the ones talking on the long drive to the stadium. I kept hearing their words float by me without totally connecting them. But then my aunt started talking in a way that suggested she was worried, that she was on the verge of tears, that she was scared for my sister. She said she wanted her to sign a fabric square for a quilt she was making my parents just in case. Dimly, I felt annoyed and angry again. Why did people keep doubting my sister? She already battled and overcame so much. She already made it through depression, and she was going to kick cancer in the ass. Why did no one seem to have faith in her but me?

And then one phrase in particular stuck out to me. “If indeed Rebecca does pass away.”

My breath seized up. It felt like iron weights were crashing around my ears and weighing down my chest, creating a racket and suppressing my airstream all at once. The world was disappearing. All that existed was the terrible noise and the horrible weight and the sickeningly blurred trees and buildings outside my window.

No one had told me.

No one had told me my sister was in danger of dying.

And that’s how I found out. Through an aside, in a car, on the way to a fucking baseball game.

And I still haven’t been able to forgive my parents for that.

The next day, everything got worse - but I somehow didn’t feel worse. I just felt empty. Dazed. I remember my aunt and uncle making my brother and me gluten free funfetti pancakes (my aunt had amusingly but very unintentionally bought the funfetti rather than regular box at the store without realizing) with big, ripe blueberries. I remember my sister’s regular doctor coming to talk to us. I couldn’t process what she was saying. It was like I could see her mouth moving, hear that there were words spilling out, but I couldn’t understand her. Like she was speaking another language I used to know, but I just couldn’t remember a lot of the words anymore. She sounded almost angry. I was confused. I think she was pissed at the radiologist who had been there the day before and told us a plan that would never come to fruition. My mother looked scared, but I was just lost. I had known, I had felt yesterday, that the other doctor was wrong, and it seemed like that was what Rebecca’s primary doctor was saying now. But I still knew she’d be fine.

Then the word “hospice” made it through the fog in my brain.

I didn’t understand at first, but gradually I realized. She was going to be transferred to a hospice house. Later that day, at home, I asked my mom what that meant. She said with tears in her eyes that they take people there who they think have less than a week to live. I think I cried a little with her, but deep down, I was still hopeful. I still knew she’d make it. She always had, after all. The hospice house was for old people who have lived their lives, not twenty-five-year-olds with so much left. She still had a chance.

That night, my other aunt - the one who got the funfetti pancakes - was taking her daughter Amanda and my brother and me to their house for the night. On the way there, it was suggested we get ice cream, so we stopped at a Freddy’s Frozen Custard. We all ordered ice cream, and laughed together about how this was the most productive feelings-eating session there had ever been. It’s amazing what good food and good family can do for the soul. I didn’t feel so alone all of a sudden. About two bites into our ice cream, Amanda started making a big production of wanting fries too to really complete the whole eat-our-feelings thing. She was being her funniest, Amanda-est best, standing up and running to the counter to get a large order of fries. The half hour or so we spent there, laughing and talking over the saddest fries and ice cream in the world, was oddly perfect. It was the most I’d felt like me all week.

The next morning, they moved her to the hospice house. It was a Wednesday. And since it was August in Kansas City, it was hot and humid and disgusting. I’ve never liked summer, but the summer of 2016 has given me eternal fuel for hatred for the season.

The hospice house was cozy and filled with love and prayers from many volunteers and former visitors. And I hated it. I hated the word “hospice,” which I hadn’t really heard or read since my grandpa died years ago. I hated the butterfly logo, the ornate carpet, the dimly lit rooms. More than anything in the world, I hated the smell. I can’t describe it, but it still fills my nostrils whenever I have panic attacks or flashbacks. It was totally different from the terrible sterility of the hospital, and different from any smell of any other house or home I’ve ever set foot in. It was all wrong, and strange.

Rebecca had so many visitors that day. We gave her a quilt square and a Sharpie to write her name, or to draw something. She was such a good artist. But she kept falling asleep. Why is she falling asleep? She kept starting to write something, and managed to get out a block letter A and little else. A? Why A? She kept falling asleep trying to write even one word. And I still don’t know what it was going to be.

Not long after that, she started to sleep. And not long after that, she was slipping out of consciousness. Visitor after visitor came to sit by her, talk to her, but she was fast asleep. At some point, I took a break to walk around the hospice house garden. My aunt gently suggested calling a friend from St. Olaf. So I asked Ellen if we could talk, and she was happy to help. I paced around the garden, restlessly going by flower after flower, for once not scared of the bees. It was sunny and bright, and thanks to a breeze, not excessively warm in the shade of the trees. There were spinning wind sculptures amidst all the plants. I paused in front of a clump of yellow roses. Ellen had given me a yellow rose when my grandfather died. I stared at them as I told her what was happening. She just kept saying how sorry she was, and how it sucked, and how she wanted to help me any way she could. I told her, truthfully, that she was helping. (Side note: And she still does, every day. We are roommates. On the one year anniversary of my sister’s death, she kept me company half the night when I couldn’t sleep.)

I went back inside. I talked with people. Lots of them. They all looked at me like it was hard to face me. I couldn’t fully understand why. If anyone could make it through this, it was my sister. And no one seemed to know it but me. One of the hospice house nurses came to tell us they thought it would be soon now. But I just didn’t understand.

Evening came, and so did a storm. Rain started pattering against the windows at about the same time darkness fell. Late in the evening, at around nine o’clock, it turned into a real thunderstorm. Lightning was crashing outside, and inside, dozens of our friends and family - at least thirty people - were crowded inside the room. I don’t remember who first suggested it, but somehow, it came up that we should sing. My family - and many of our friends - are very musical, especially my parents, brother, sister, and me, and many of us were raised in the Lutheran church. So somehow, someone suggested we sing a hymn, and my brother started us off. A few of us looked up the lyrics on our phones, and within a few bars, the singing was full and strong. And then someone suggested another song. And another. And another. Sometimes, there would be a pause in between, and other times someone would just start singing a new hymn right away after the last one. I preferred no silence, because my sister was having more and more trouble breathing, and it was agonizing listening to her. So I was singing and singing, full and rich, not even having to hold back tears, overflowing with the music, helping lead the song. After a while, in the back of my mind, I wished we could do a Christmas song, but I was worried people would think it odd if I brought it up. But not a minute after this wish popped into my head, one of my little cousins asked my brother if we could sing “Silent Night.” It made me really and truly happy - and not just because I have the mind of an eight-year-old. We kept singing and singing (including a couple more Christmas carols, but mostly other hymns), and strange as it seems now, it felt totally natural. 

All in all, we sang for two hours. And we only really stopped because a nurse came by shortly after eleven to tell us that there was going to be a tornado warning in the county, and now might be a good time for visitors who needed to return home to do so before the storm got worse. So, most people left. Only my aunt and uncle, and three of our really close friends who might as well be related to us by now, stayed. They all went with the nurses to a chapel inside the hospice house, which had more cover from a potential tornado than my sister’s room. The nurses told my parents, Andrew, and me that we were welcome to stay with Rebecca unless there was a tornado coming our way, at which point they would come get us.

So we stayed. We decided each of us would be by her side in shifts while the others slept still in the room. My parents were with her first; I planted myself on the couch and Andrew took the rollaway cot. I couldn’t sleep anyway - not that he really could either. When my parents were ready to trade, he told me quietly to try and sleep. I nodded. I rummaged through my bag to see if I had brought my iPod, and was hugely relieved to see I had. With a blanket wrapped around me in a chair near Andrew, I put the headphones in my ears and sifted through songs to make a playlist, trying to bring some semblance of comfort or sleep. I was looking through music for quite a while, partially because I was half listening to Andrew reading my sister books - Chicka Chicka Boom Boom and The Very Hungry Caterpillar. She was a preschool teacher, and those were two of her favorite books in the whole wide world. I loved and hated seeing him read to her like that. Then he told me he was going to try and find our family friends. I said okay, and moved into the chair beside her. My parents were asleep. It was just her and me.

I moved the chair closer, so that I could hold her hand. We held hands all the time, so I knew the shape and warmth of her hands well. So it frightened me out of my wits when I took her hand and this time, it was icy cold. I felt a shock of panic course its way through me, but shook it off. I had to be with her. She needed me. I swallowed and took a deep breath. Then I took out my phone and started to read. An Awesome Book of Love.

The words fell from my mouth, staggering a little at first, but gradually with a rhythm.

...But we aren’t all of those things - you’re you and I’m me. And we’re as together as together can be. And you know I’m aglow with a smile on my face When I wonder what magic you’ll make of this place - Of this town, of this world. You’ll transform your surroundings! That spirit inside you is truly astounding...

I started to crumble a little. The words came slower and slower. But I had to keep going. I squeezed her hand tighter, willing warmth to flow it, willing her breathing to ease. Her breaths were coming too slowly, and it terrified me to my core. I’d never heard anyone breathe like that. I wanted her to feel better. I continued on.

...I love you! I love you! In so many ways - Over thousands of years, over billions of days...

Tears were falling rapidly. This book meant so much to me, and the words were so perfect for how I felt about her, Rebecca, my sister, my sunshine. Dimly, I realized a nurse had quietly walked in. I kept reading. It was one o’clock in the morning, and I was tired and scared and confused and crying a little, but I kept reading. I glanced at the words, but mostly I looked at her face, her long eyelashes - which had managed to grown back even longer than they had been before all that chemo - resting on her cheek.

...I love you! When I’m holding your hand, When you’re making a plan, When you’re thinking a thought, When you’re dancing a dance.

And then...I stopped. Because the world had stopped.

She was gone.

I had watched her last breath. I had held her hand for the last time. I was the last one to see her alive. I saw her die.

I fell apart.

I started crying like I’d never cried before. My parents woke up, realizing what had happened. My brother came back, and I remember us all hugging. I couldn’t stop crying. I was splitting at the seams. I was going to die. I wanted to die. I didn’t want to be in a world that my sister wasn’t a tangible, living part of. Andrew took me out to the living room, guided me to a surprisingly comfortable couch. I curled up on one end of it, just like I do at home, while he went to get the rest of our family. I cried like I’d never cried before.

After a few moments, I pulled out my phone and texted my St. Olaf friends. It was the middle of the night, so I was surprised to get a reply from my close friend Brenna. She had been sending me links to songs throughout the week as I updated her on everything going on. That night, she sent me “No One is Alone” from Into the Woods. It was beautiful and sad and perfect.

A little while later - I have only some dim memories of my family friends coming back from the chapel - Andrew and I ended up on the couch together, with all the adults in the room. We talked. And it occurred to me that this was the last day the three of us would ever be together. Now it would just be Andrew and me. We hugged for a long, long time, and I cried and got snot all over his shirt. Eventually, he got up gently to make us both green tea and get out a box of gluten free crackers. I hadn’t even realized I was hungry or thirsty until he did that. It was still raining outside, but it wasn’t storming so hard anymore.

At around half past three, we all left. Andrew and I went back to my aunt and uncle’s once more, and although I tried to be quiet, I woke up my cousin when I climbed into her bed. She looked at her phone, saw the texts from her parents, and wrapped me in a warm, comforting hug. So many people held me while I cried that night, but she was the one who made me laugh. The storm had picked back up by the time we got to their house, and when a huge streak of lightning, followed quickly by a loud crack of thunder, split the air, we both laughed a little.

“Rebecca must be throwing a party up there,” she said hoarsely.

I laughed. “Yeah.”

That week, and especially the night Rebecca died, has changed me forever, but I’ve grown enough to know now that this shitty experience hasn’t ruined me. It’s not the ending of my story, even though I still sometimes wish it was - and it’s sure as hell not the end of her story either. She lives on in me, and in so many other people - our family and friends, her music, even her preschool students. And even though I still find myself, like that night, sobbing in agony, or feeling empty and lonely and totally wrung out, or wishing the world would end or at least go away...I also find myself, like that night, surrounded by love more times than I can count.

She was always so full of love. Overbrimming. And I have been, too.

I still am.

- - -

I’d still love you no matter what sense it would make. I’d love you whenever, whatever it takes. I’d love you no matter, cause you’re you and I’m me - Together forever, in love as can be. - An Awesome Book of Love, Dallas Clayton

[allthethingsiwishicouldtellyou]

Every day I write more and add to this, all I've done is thought about you and thought about us and cried. I know it's become an essay now but please take the time to read it, as I will yours when it comes. And I guess you can ask me whatever you want about what I wrote. I imagine you'll have felt different things and perceived your feelings differently to how I perceived what you have told me, but this is honest and this is how I feel right now and I feel like I've articulated everything that I want you to know in this message. For now I have hard raw feelings, and this message may be harsh, but it's honest and you always wanted me to be honest. One day these feelings will ease and I'll be happy again and I'll only remember all the good things and hopefully the hurt will have faded and maybe you'll play a positive role in my life again. I know things are different now and every day I wake up and I feel the difference deep down inside me. Firstly I feel I need to address this; How I loved you, the support I gave you, the friendship we had built, the relationship we shared, was because I was your girlfriend and under that girlfriend had was motivator, companion and lover was also best friend. I don't think you'll ever understand that we worked so well together was because we had so much more then just a friendship between us. Maybe because you say you've never had a best friend before or a relationship before, you couldn't distinguish the difference between the two because you didn't know that the two were. In my opinion, girlfriend and best friend are two different roles in someone's life. I just wish You could see that we evolved to where we were, the comfort between us and knowing that we had one another's backs, the ease, the trust, whilst we became best friends along the way it was because it was love even if you won't admit that to yourself. Well for me, it was because I really loved you and I can't say I've ever loved anyone before like I loved you. You dont want a relationship with me because you wont put in the effort and are in this illusion that in a few months time I'll be all good to be your best friend and only your best friend is hard for me to think about right now. I hate to say that but i can't put a date on when I'm going to be okay with being just friends. And if I am ever okay at just being friends or best friends even, you have to know that I'll be acting in a different way and I know you will be too. Best friends or even close friends don't call each other and talk or text to each other every day, they don't care this deeply about one another, they don't get jealous if the other one has a male or a female friend. I just don't think you know the distinction and how different a best friendship would be to a relationship. I think if I ever found out you were seeing someone who lived in Melbourne whilst you were still in Geelong that I'd find myself wanting to push them in front of a train, I know that is extreme and I'd never actually do it, but that would be nail in the coffin even if I had a boyfriend or a husband of my own then. What I want from you right now is more then a usual best friendship, and knowing I'll probably never have that again with you makes it hard for me to even think about being your friend. Maybe at one day I'll be at peace with what's happened, but for now it's really hard for me. Secondly; You were saying you're the one that's going to be lonely. That's unfair. You can't be the one to walk away from this and then say you're the biggest loser. I'm so lonely already, I've lost my best friend, my rock, my pep talker, someone who change my mood for the better in a few words, my favourite person. The person I wanted to make time for to see, that I'd work my ass off during the week to make time for. You walked away from me, and I know you've had people walk away from your life in the past so you know how it feels, and it's just shit to have that happen to you. I am loosing my best friend too in this collateral damage and whilst it seems like I have a big support network that I can turn to, none of them compare to you. In all this pain I'm feeling, you're still the only person I want to talk to. Everyone keeps trying to make me feel better but nothing changes, I just feel so empty. I was trying to give you every possibility to make it work, and one day I'll accept that it just wasn't enough to make the distance worthwhile. I cry at work, I cry at uni, I cry at home, in bed, when I'm trying to study, I cry in the car and I have to pull over. All I do is cry and even know I know it won't bring you back into my life how I want you to be, I can't stop myself from feeling so shit because I'm not worth the effort. We are both emotionally dependent on each other, I know I am and I think you'll realise how much you have been in the next few weeks when I'm not there for you to call about your work achievements or anything else that happens in your day. All I want to do is tell you about my day and why I'm stressed today and how work was and about stupid things like usual, but I know we don't have that anymore. Maybe I became too reliant on you, who knows. I'm going to be lonely and you will be lonely too. This situation is a lose-lose for the both of us. I just wish it didn't have to suck, I wish things were different and you could see that too. Thirdly, It kills me to think you told people we had some issues to work out when the issue was distance and you wouldn't even try and work it out with me. You just gave up, that's the most disappointing part. The facts were the facts and the distance was there, it wasn't easy but it wasn't impossible, the distance had always been there, but for me, it's not like we couldn't of made it work like we had for the months prior. Or at least tried to make it work with a bit more effort and then rationalise it to see if it was worthwhile after we tried to work on the distance when it had become a problem. You know I'm a problem solver and that I pride myself on making things work, and it kills me to think that you wouldn't try and solve the problem before calling it quits. It also kills me that you said things that were like "well if you were 30mins away it would of been different", of course it would of been, it would have been much easier I won't lie, but knowing in the mean time I couldn't be that 30mins away really shot me down. Ideally for me you'd live super locally too, but it just wasn't the case. I knew If you were local, I still wouldn't have seen you more then I saw you in Belmont. I loved coming to Geelong and going to the beach and spending time with you in your house, maybe more then you ever knew. It was an escape for me, things were great, I was laughing and with my favourite person. I tried not to resent the distance because I knew it was just there and I accepted it and that I liked you enough not to have override my emotions and leave me questioning if it was all worthwhile. You did let me down, because you stopped wanting to put in the effort to make it work and gave up on me, on us. Maybe you just couldn't do it any more, but I wish you had communicated that with me earlier before it got to this, so we could have talked about it and maybe had some action to change some things rather then just irrationally breaking up. Or maybe you just never wanted a girlfriend, I don't know. It's just cruel, the last 3 weeks of you trying to make up your mind were really cruel. I know you're confused with what you wanted, but Ive never felt so worthless in my life, I hope you know how I cried in front of you in the last week, was how I've cried for almost the last 3 weeks every single night at least now when I cry it'll be because I have a reason, you've broken me by disappointing me and made me lose my best friend and my boyfriend. At least it won't be because I feel like I'm in limbo pain which was almost as antagonising. I've let you hurt me twice now, even if the first time met nothing to you, it meant something to me and obviously I'm just dumb for being so stupid. When you've called it quits because you didn't think it was going to work and didn't even try and rectify it before you ended it. What's the real kicker, that you didn't believe in us enough to give it another chance, or make the effort to make things better for us both. I have to be honest and say maybe you're delusional to think we're going to be good mates anytime soon. That we will be able to sit and laugh together and travel together or just catch up for drinks as friends. That you get your decision one way and get to reduce the effort you put in and still will have me in your life and for me to be your best friend, for you to call me and text me when you want, but it's unfair for you to take the cake and eat it too. It was silly for me to let you become a huge priority when it feels that this relationship was only ever an option for you. I wish I could just rebound from this and be friends with you straight away, but I can't. I just want to see you and have you hold me and tell me stupid jokes and laugh with you. And I'm scared that I'll never be able to do that in the same way again even as friends because I'll never be able to forgive you for making me feel this way and for giving up on us. When I could call you my boyfriend, I used to think you were one of the best things that ever happened to me, and sometimes now I think you were the worst. Maybe that's a hard call, but if I had to put my feelings on a scale of 1-100 right now, 100 being the happiest I've ever been, and 0 being the saddest, I'd put myself right now at a 7. Our time in the US, where we had fun and looked after each other and didn't fight and just had a great time adventuring around, and laughing in each other's company, on that scale would be 90+easily. Fourthly, Your ideal situation is being best friends and catching up once a month to have drinks doesn't seem likely to me. The only way that would happen is if I was to find someone else and or to have my heart heal completely. Which won't bloody happen any time soon, I'm so emotionally scarred. I was scarred last time and I never moved on properly, I'll have to distance myself so much which hurts me to even think about the months ahead without you because I just don't want to. I want you in my life but I just can't have that can I? And plus when I do date someone else it'll be because they're my best friend. Because I'm the kind of girl who wants a relationship with their best friend, because that's the ideal situation for everyone. People don't date someone because they look good or smell nice, that might be how it starts, but they continue to date someone because they are good company and they make each other laugh and they become their best friend, because things are easy when they're together and they're fun. That person is their companion and their team mate. They put in effort for each other to make it work and make one another feel good. Ask anyone in a relationship and they will say their partner is their best friend. Ask Ashley, ask Matt ask Scottie they'll say Claudia and Stacey and T are their best friends, I'll put $1000 on it. As much as I don't want to, you will just be replaced and you doesn't realise that the relationship we've got now worked so well because you were my everything, my best friend and my boyfriend. My number one priority, well maybe number two just after uni. I won't lie, I was motivating myself to work so hard at uni, to do everything so I had the opportunity to go wherever I wanted for work, to do whatever I wanted to do. It was always in the back of my head that maybe I'll be finding a job in Geelong or the CBD easily if I pushed myself to be an all round great candidate for a law firm, so I could be closer to you, so that it closed the distance gap between us. I'm so scared about my career josh but I honestly all I wanted was you in my future because you motivated me and gave me so much confidence in everything that I was trying to achieve. Maybe it was just dumb and assumptions to have such a view of the future, but a girl has to think a relationship is going somewhere right. You either break up or get married, I guess I got the break up option with you. I shouldn't have hoped to put all my eggs in one basket, I should of known better really, I think I should of protected myself a bit better, but I didn't want anything to stop me from feeling love towards you, because the time we spent together, deserved that love. The support you've given me in the last 9 months is second to none and when I graduate I'll be thinking of you and how you've gotten me through so much and I'll owe a little bit of me getting through the JD to you. I have no one to call now at 3am when I'm crying and I feel alone and stressed with uni, because I will be alone and thats a fact I don't want to face. I can't thank you enough for helping me get through this course, I really can't. And it'll be something that I'll always remember you for, for picking up my calls and talking me through times when I'm emotional and just getting me through the days when I thought I couldn't do it. Some days those were even when we were together and I will never forget the comfort you had me feel. You really just made me feel good enough and smart enough and I'll always be thankful for that support. Finally, It feels to me like someone has died and something did die, and even if it wasn't a real person, it was aspirations and ideas and hopes for my future and it's the hardest thing to experience something you want so much being taken from you without a choice. Every day I've woken up for the last two weeks and I just wish you had woken up and realised that you've made a mistake, and that you're throwing this away for a reason that could be worked upon and that it was worth working upon. I'll stop hoping now, because you're firm on your decision and I should respect that as much as it's not what I wanted at all. It's hard because it's not like we can even have a halfway where both of us are happy. Its so hard to hear the distance was too testing for your feelings, it's so so hard. You taught me so much, and how to relax and how to take things slow if I needed the time to. You taught me not to compare myself to others even though I do and that sometimes just sitting next to someone and laughing is the cure for most things. I'll always cherish our trip away and the walks on the beach and eating take away in your car. I'm so happy we got to do the rooftop cinema together and have drinks and listen to the people singing karaoke at tonic bar and walk/bike the Golden Gate Bridge together. I have to say that the Golden Gate Bridge biking day had to be one of the best days of my entire life, and I've had a lot of good days but not much can trump that. I wanted to hike the you yangs with you so badly, now just thinking about them makes me sad. You made me laugh so much with all your dumb jokes and things were so easy between us. You made me strong and willing and you're so kind and funny and dumb and you just made me laugh so much and I always thought of you and beamed knowing you were mine. All your silly comments even if I wasn't laughing on the outside, I was giggling on the inside. All those moments we had together were worth all the struggle of the distance for me. I feel like I've just written an obituary. If for whatever reason, in two months time, set the alarm in your phone, when we've had this break and time apart, that you want to try again then and put in the effort to make it work like how I would be willing to, know that I'll always be open to that. If you don't, you don't and that's fine, in my head two months will be enough time apart to see how we are both feeling. Even if you think that in 2 years time you want to try again, and if I wasn't seeing someone, knowing how well we got on and how happy you made me, I'd probably still give this another go, as silly as that is. I promise that I won't think that you'll turn around and change your mind in the next two months, because I honestly think you won't and I'm going to keep telling myself you won't. If you've made these kind of decisions twice now to blame it on the distance, I don't see you ever changing your mind. But set the calendar alarm. I won't hold out hope for us every getting back together to a relationship, but I hope we can be talking a lot more then we are now by the time that alarm goes off anyway, I hope we are back to being friendly, but I'm just not sure how I'll go. I really want to be, I just need some of my own time I guess. I read this article last night, typical me just trying to get some reference to what was happening in my head. And if said that "The art of letting go isn’t about making all of their memories disappear, though. It’s about accepting that some parts will stick with you, but that’s okay". Maybe that's true. I don't know yet. I don't want to delete you off Facebook or Snapchat or delete your number, I still want you around even if it's just in cyberspace. No matter what happens, you'll always have a special place in my heart. But for the meanwhile, I'm just going to go on through this week and the next and get through all my exam next week and the other ones to follow and focus all my energy on myself and my study. I don't know when I'll talk to you next and I wish I could say it was tomorrow or in a few hours time or even in a few weeks but I just don't know. Because all I want to do is talk to you and I'm not sure if that's the best idea or not. I still want you in my life, please don't ever doubt that. I just know right now and how I've perceived things have left me really hurt, and honestly I don't think I've felt this way before and I'm not sure how long it will take me to feel better. I'm trying to keep myself busy and I guess focus on myself but it's hard you know, I feel like a big chunk of me is gone. Like we said when you were on the train and spoke on the phone, I just feel really empty and just sad, really sad, really hollow. You are an incredible person, and I know you'll mature well and do so well in your career. I know you'll get to where you want to be and I'm proud of you for getting a bit out of your comfort zone and working at nab. I know I've said it to you before, but I'm really lucky to have been able to spend the time that we had together with you. I don't think I'll ever forget one date we've been on or one activity we did, and I'll always remember that Westlake will never let me down when I want to eat in Chinatown. I hope along the line, we can still be in each other's future, somewhere, somehow. I know that one day soon I'll be able to admit that I couldn't do anything more as much as I felt I could, that it was the distance that made us breakdown and that you wouldn't put the effort in when times got tough. Everything you said still rings in my head, and I know it's not my fault, but for now it just still hurts me for now because I felt you could of tried harder and I felt like I was worth trying hard for and that our relationship was worth trying harder for. And that after all this time that I deserved to have you try for me. I know I'm worth trying for and I'm trying to keep that little bit of dignity with me because I feel like I lost a lot of dignity crying in front of you and just trying to win you back I guess. I know one day, whether it's you or someone else, they'll really try for me regardless of the situation and the distance and everything else going on and I'll be happy to do the same for them, because distance shouldn't mean anything if you really love someone, that's what my dad always told me and I believe him. He reminded me of that on Tuesday and I remember him telling me the exact same thing last time we stopped seeing each other and I believe it. As hurt as I am, I'm just disappointed that once again it seems like the distance has let us down. It was something that was manageable for so long because we both put in the effort, and wanted it until you over thought it. You then made a choice not to put in the effort the needed to make it work. You can blame it on distance all you like, but distance wouldn't matter if you had really been willing to put in the effort. That might seem harsh, but I feel it's somewhat true, and you may disagree because I guess everyone can only do their best in different situations and what I could do is obviously different to you. It just really hurts me to think that I'd go a million miles for someone I'd loved and appreciated and wanted to spend time with, but you just wouldn't do the same. A relationship shouldn't be measured in months or years, it's the calibre of the memories that matter. Their impact, their permanence and the degree to which they change you. The last 7 months included the greatest moments of my life, they were irreplaceable moments, perfect memories and so much fun. They will always be in my mind. You were so special to me and I know you always will be in whatever form our future takes. I just wish you could realise what we had was the real deal, I just wish right now that you would of tried to make it work for the short term, because in my mind, the long term looked amazing for us both, together. I felt like we had a lot more left in the tank and thats really disappointing. I just wish it was longer then 7 months, I really do.

[graceosborneillustration-blog]

Original transcript and new narrative

G: How did you become homeless?

K:I had a nervous breakdown kind of thing, and depression. And I, my relationship broke down, kind of thing.

G: How do you think people who aren't homeless view people who are homeless?

K: I think people are sad. I hid it when I was homeless, no one knew. I hid that I was homeless. It's only about six months ago I stopped hiding it, but before then I hid it. I was washing, cleaning, hid my stuff. I had a little bit of money, but not two much.

G: If you were to think back years ago before you were homeless, and you saw someone who was homeless, what did you think then?

K: I didn't think I’d ever be in hat situation, but wha I thought was, I wanted to help, I tried to give a sandwich or something. I though it was sad and I just, I wanted to help, I just thought it was sad to be honest. You don't ask, you don't say whats going on. Because you might not be able to help. I didn't realise there was so much help for the homeless, until I became homeless. I thought people on the street were starving, they cant do anything, they're cold, but theres so much help. Thats anther aspect, I did not realise there was so much help. There is places you can go and have something to eat, theres places like the soup run and they give you clothes and food, and I went to the Arch and got a sleeping bag cause before I was homeless I had a tent and a sleeping bag that I got myself. But then they got nicked and I didn't have much money, so I got one from the Arch.

I didn't know what BBH was or I might have come here as well, I might have come to see CAPS sooner.

I’ll always remember the first time I came here.

G: How much sleep did you use to get, when you were in the tent and outside Debenhams.

K: Sometimes about six hours, sometimes less. Because it is noisy on the street, I had my shoes nicked once. You leave anything around people will take it, they think its funny.

G: Did loads of people sleep outside Debenhams?

K: I was on my own. I was where no one bothered me, the other side there use to be five or six people in a row. And they all knew each other. Then when I was there CAPS found me and I started talking to them. But before that I was going to commit suicide, but I saw CAPS and the story comes after that.

G: Whats the best thing thats happened to you this week?

K: This week? You really want to know? I’ve just moved in to a flat. I moved in yesterday, its not a council flat. I went from CAPS and BBH to Genesis house which is like a hostel kind of thing. Bishop Bridge is like the bottom of the ladder and then Genesis and then with in there theres a move on flat which is completely self reliant but theres still help if I need it.

G: Thats amazing, congratulations.

K: I came here on the 22nd September and then they asked my on the 27th December if I wanted a flat and then I moved in yesterday.

G: What three words would you use to describe being homeless?

K: three words, thats interesting, scared. Maybe, I felt dirty I guess even though I wasn't really, unclean maybe. And depressing.

G: What made you feel safe? Or what makes you feel safe? K: safe? When I was homeless, I wasn't safe. I didn't feel safe. G: What was the scariest bit about it?

K: When I got my shoes nicked, and when other people open your sleeping bag at night and say ‘oh no wrong person’. Theres people after each other, Ive known people who've been weed on, students think its funny. Someone had their sleeping bad set fire to, while they were in it. Groups of kids at night time, they kick the sleeping bags. You get spat at, people got stabbed.

There was something that happened last winter, there were two guy, young guys who were sleeping rough and they'd gone to sleep by one of the vents by castle mall, they curled up by one of the heating vents. In freeing weather, and a security guard from Castle Mall came out and threw a bucket of cold water over them. It mush have been mine three. They literally had what they were wearing, people sleep in what they've got to keep warm. And he threw a bucket of old water over them. They got down here I think with in 24 hours and I think the guys lost his job. They're human beings who are trying to keep warm when its minus 2.

G: What does the word home mean to you?

K: Safe, comfort, just normal really. Like when you get of the street and come here, just a bed and a shower. Lots of the time it's so cold you just cant sleep, you just wake up from shivering.

G: Where would you like to be in a years time?

K: I would like to have my own place and I would like to have a job. Be normal really. I never thought, thirty years ago that I would be homeless. Its all things people take for granted, thats what I see as normal. watching telly, sitting down, being okay, being safe. Having hot food, we take that for granted. Being warm, clean, hot water. Thats what I want.

G: Is there anything you think its important for people to know about?

K: The homeless need help, we do need help. There are some bad ones on the streets, I m not saying there aren’t. But they make the good ones look bad. You only need one bad one.

I’ll give you an example of bad, begging on the streets saying they've got nowhere to sleep when they have. Professional beggars.

G: I never know whether to give money or food or not

K: If you offer food and they don't take it that means they're not homeless. Thats my opinion. I saw someone give this couple who were begging a pizza once, and he got the pizza and chucked it in the bin, Ive seen that. I was disgusted with that, theres other people out there who are homeless and hungry they could have just given it to them. People out there do want help and I think the problem is a lot of people don't know they can get help. I did not know I could get help.

G: do you think theres anything the government could do?

K: They try, they do try, but there is so much homelessness. Everyday there is somewhere people can go and get food. People only can get help if they want it. If I don't want help then theres nothing you can do. I didn't realise you had to be registered as homeless with the council before you can be recognised as homeless, if you're not registered you cant get anywhere. You have to help yourself before anyone can help you. CAPS, they have to see you on the street three or four

times, and at different times, they wont give you a date when there gonna come or whatever. The first 12/14 months I just hid, I didn't want help so I wasn't recognised as homeless, I was never recognised. If its too easy everyone would just be turning up at the council.

At the moment I'm doing charity work, you know St. Stephan's Street church? Homeless can go in there and say ‘I’m homeless’ and get a free coffee and something to eat. Theres the soup run and kings on a Sunday, the soup runs a dodgy though, I wouldn't go. Dont go anywhere near it, people have been seriously hurt, people are desperate you know, and they fight.

Some people get offered rooms, places with the council but because they've been on the streets for such a long time and it's so ingrained in them they cant deal with it, they get scared. Having a roof and a bed just becomes so overwhelming and they're scared. Theres a lady who's got so many bags and she's been offered places by the council but she cant deal with it, she doesn't know how. Thats what the government need to work on more. Theres so many.

And it is overwhelming, I went from sleeping in Debenham door way to BBH to Genesis to my own flat in 4 months and I did feel depressed during, especially leaving here. But I’ve been volunteering, cooked at quakers and St Stephens Street. I cooked Christmas dinner here, and I loved it. That was on my bucket list, I’ve always wanted to do Christmas dinner for the homeless.

Its all started to come together when I nicked some sandwiches from Tesco, I was desperate you know and the police gave me a list of all the help you can get. The saddest thing, I’ve been homeless for to years and Ive only started getting help six months ago, six months, I didn't know you could still be on the job seekers if you were homeless, did you know that? So people might be getting that but they might not, you don't know.

I didn't have a phone so they couldn’t get in contact with me when I started getting help, so I came in here to see what was going on and I waited a bit and then I got in, by timing and luck and my whole life changed.

But I have been down, I wanted to end it, everything to be honest. And I did cut my wrist, and I went to Eaton Park where the boating lake is and the other lake. I went there, to jump in. And these ducks were following my around, wouldn't let me go in. I’m not stupid I know they wanted food you know but after that I went to see the ARK and asked for help.

This is what saved me, this place. This is the point from when things got better. This changed my live, BBH and all the staff. Well, i changed my life but BBH enabled me and helped me, I did the hard work but they put the support in. They help, they really did. Even the police helped.

How long do I sleep for? Well, sometimes about six hours, sometimes less. Because it is noisy on the street, I had my shoes nicked once. You leave anything around people will take it, they think its funny. Someone had their sleeping bag set fire to, while they were in it. Groups of kids at night time, they kick the sleeping bags. You get spat at, people got stabbed.

I wanted to end it, I went to the boating lake. I went there, to jump in. And these ducks were following me around, they wouldn't let me go in. I’m not stupid I know they wanted food you know but after that I went to see the ARK and asked for help. I went from sleeping in Debenham doorway to BBH to Genesis to my own flat in 4 months and I did feel depressed during, especially leaving here. But I’ve been volunteering, cooked at quakers and St Stephens Street. I cooked Christmas dinner here, and I loved it. That was on my bucket list, I’ve always wanted to do Christmas dinner for the homeless. I would like to have my own place and I would like to have a job. Be normal really. I never thought, thirty years ago that I would be homeless. Its all things people take for granted, that’s what I see as normal. watching telly, sitting down, being okay, being safe. Having hot food, we take that for granted. Being warm, clean, hot water. That's what I want. I was on my own, but some people help. 

We used text directly from the transcript but have condensed it so that read out it will be able to fit into a minute long video which we feel will capture the hearts and attention of its audience.

This animatic was created by Emily and although its really good it doesn't reay fit with what we want to get across. This is because she hasnt  been able to combine for any of the meetings so, we are going to create a newanimatic 

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]

The Importance of Grieving Through Cjs Eyes

Grief. What a word that is. This word has the power to impact every living person. That is so interesting that no matter where you have lived, or your background every person sooner or later experiences grief. There are two ways you can deal with grief. You can either face it head on or stuff it deep down inside of you thinking, “it will never have to come out. It will forever stay stuffed in there because I will make it. It feels safer there.” I can tell you not only from my own experience with stuffing my feelings and grief down, but also from working in a counseling center, the stuffing only works for so long. Those feelings, the pain, the grief will come out, but the longer it sits waiting to come out the more ugly and harder it becomes. Let me tell you my own experience with this.

April 14th 2010. What a day! I finally turned 13! I was a real teenager, finally, I felt so incredible this day. I felt like I was finally old enough to really hang out with my sisters Caity and Courey. They were 6 and 5 years older than me so I always wanted to be with them, but they usually told me “you’re not old enough.” Well not anymore! I had a simple birthday party at my youth group at little Desert Oasis Christian Center. I had made cupcakes for everyone and I was so excited to celebrate this age. I can still remember Courey being a butthead because well she always was.

April 16th 2010. This is forever one of my favorite days. The night before my sisters and I stayed up watching movies and we all slept in Caity’s bed. We had so much fun! We all had the 16th off so we decided to drive an hour to Tonopah and surprise Courey’s boyfriend at the time and eat at this Mexican restaurant. We had so much fun. I’ve never laughed so much in my life, even still to this day. It was the most incredible day. Us girls didn’t fight we just got to hang out.

April 17th 2010. A day that forever changed my life. Courey was going to Reno this day. She was going with a few friends and the boyfriend I mentioned earlier. I don’t remember where Caity, my mom and dad were as a lot of that time is blurry to me now. But I do remember I got to hang out with Courey the entire day. We watched movies in the morning, and I helped her pack her and bags and clean her car that afternoon. Man I loved this day. It was a Saturday and I remember going to bed that night excited for church the next day. I was waiting for Courey to call once she made it to Reno. I was  waiting for her call on the house phone ( back when those were a thing lol) when she called I was going to have her help me pick out an outfit for church. I remember feeling excited for her. After many years of struggles that she walked through she was finally getting her life on track. She was going to go to BSSM with Caity in the fall. I was so happy for her. Sadly her story and her life ended that night. She was in a car accident and she passed away on impact.

She passed away around 9:30ish at night, we didn’t get the news until some time early Sunday morning probably sometime between 2-4am. I remember being startled awake by the worst most scary screaming noise I’ve ever heard coming from my living room. I didn’t know if this was a dream or if something awful was happening in my home. I peered from my bedroom to look into the living room and I saw my mom standing in the middle of the room. A man and a women on my couch, all I could see were the back of their heads. And then I saw Caity’s feet, she was curled up on the floor, crying like I’ve never heard or seen, it was like a movie. I saw my dad holding and comforting her on the floor. I was really confused. The only thing I could think to explain what was happening before my eyes was “did something happen to Caity’s boyfriend?”( her boyfriend at the time worked at a gold mine) When my mom saw me she came over to me and grabbed my hands and pulled me into the living room with all of them. I turned to see who was on the couch and I saw my dad’s cop partner and his wife. I knew this meant something really bad had to of happened. Cops only bring their wives to something like this if it’s really bad. I know this because my dad had brought my mom to peoples houses before. My stomach dropped. Oh no. This is going to be bad I thought. My mom looked into my eyes with tears in hers and says “Cierra, Courey was in an accident and she didn’t make it.” I thought this is a joke. I told my mom “ no no she’s in Reno remember.” My mom shook her head and said again “Cierra, Courey was in an accident and she didn’t make it.” The realization hit me. My sister is dead. She’s not coming home. I dropped to the floor weeping. This can’t be true. There’s no way. She was just here. She’s a good driver. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I’ve never experienced so much pain. I felt sick to my stomach. My heart hurt so much I thought I was going to die. I remember after crying for what seemed like an eternity I went into my bedroom and just sat on my bed starring at this one wall in silence trying to wrap my 13 year old brain around what was happening. The lady of the couple came into my room and asked if she could call anyone for me. I needed my best friend Courtney. The lady called Courtney’s parents and her come in my house. Courtney and I sat on my bed and just starred at each other. Not knowing what to say or how to feel. The next few days and weeks are so blurry. I don’t really remember anything, my mind was in such a fog during that time. I remember we had our front door open most of the day and the night as so many people came by to give us food, comfort, love, and flowers. So many flowers. All I wanted was to run, run as far away and as fast as I could away from this. I didn’t want to feel this pain anymore. The next few weeks we had to face so many things that brought up so much pain like her 18th birthday (which my parents, sister and I all got tattooed on for her which means yes Ive been tattooed since I was 13), her memorial, and her graduation from high school.

I honestly can’t recall the next serval months either They went by so fast but at the same time so incredibly slow. One of the worst things when someone dies is the look people give you. The “are you ok?” look. Man I hate that look. Its the saddest look people give you. It seemed no matter where I was I would get that look.

I started 8th grade fall of 2010. Caity moved to Redding to do BSSM. In matter of about four months I felt that I lost both sisters. Somewhere in those few months I came to the realization “if I have to feel this horrible pain and sadness I don’t want to feel at all.” And that’s exactly what happened. I turned off all my emotions event the happy ones. I couldn’t feel anything. I felt numb. Completely numb to every emotion, every feeling I could possibly have. I never felt happy, sad, hurt, or joy. I barely laughed let alone smile and if I did it was totally fake. I felt like a statue. I was just there. I also completely turned away from God. I was so mad at Him. I was so angry. We sing these songs about this amazing God who loves us yet my sister is dead. How in the heck does that fit together?

You see when you stuff all that pain sadness and anger it has to come out. And it did. But I would only let it out for a few minutes then I would stuff it all back down until I would explode again. Over and over I would do this. Stuff then explode stuff then explode.

After a few months of this my mom was noticing it. She tells me now that she could look into my eyes and it was like there was no one inside. She saw how closed off and numb I was. She knew there was an issue.

I started my first week of high school in 2011. I was so excited. I joined the dance team and the volleyball team. I was loving it. Within that same week I had an away volleyball game and my mom looked at my Facebook. You see having parents in tune with the Holy Spirit makes it impossible to hide anything. Not that I was even hiding it that well. She saw in my messages that I wasn’t living up to who I was. I was living a shady sneaky life that was really scary for all of us. At this time my sister Caity had gone to her second year at BSSM. My parents came to me and asked if I would like to move to Redding and go to a high school there. This would mean I would live with my sister sharing a room. I would have four other girl roommates. I would live without parents. I would move 500 miles away from everything and everyone that I knew. I was terrified but something inside me knew I had to do it. Four days later with all my clothes packed in boxes my mom drove me to Redding. In just one week I went from my parents knowing nothing about how I was doing and starting high school to living without parents and living in a real city. I had to make friends for the first time since I was in preschool. I didn’t even know how todo it. Luckily, God always has a plan for us. I instantly made friends with some girls in my grade.

It has took me about 5 years to grieve things that should’ve taken 2 years. It caused me more pain waiting then it would’ve to just face it. Grieving isn’t just being sad about the loss you experience. I didn’t just have to grieve the fact that she was gone, I had to grieve what my life would have looked like and the plans we made together. It was the same thing when my parents divorced. I had to grieve the loss of the marriage but also what life would look like, what my wedding would look like, what having kids would look like, and what every day would look like. It’s a process and process is ok. Grief looks different for everyone. Even though Caity and I lost the same person and we were both Courey’s sisters it was different for each of us. And that’s great, because we are all different. 

Slowly, the brick and metal walls that I put up to surround my heart began to fall down. It’s really hard to explain exactly how I grieved it all. But some practical things that I did were I let myself feel sad or angry or happy or hurt when those feelings came I didn’t stuff them. I would also do heart checks. So I would ask my heart “ heart how are you doing today? what are you feeling?” If I felt sad and I knew I needed to cry then I would watch a sad movie that I knew would make me cry. If I was angry I would go on a run or now I ugly journal with God. Ugly journaling is a great tool. I basically write letters to those I feel angry at and write things I wish I could say to them but can’t. Then I process after with God and give him that anger. Even if I’m mad at God I angry journal. Even if it has cussing or ugly hand writing. It’s meant to be ugly. If I’m angry with God I tell Him why I feel that or why I’m mad at that person. He doesn’t get angry with me if I’m mad at Him. He just listens and we talk it out, just like I would with any of my friends. I also saw a counselor Yvonne for counseling. I also saw Ej for Sozo. These are both amazing tools to use to help you process the pain and see where Jesus was at. 

After a year in Redding I turned back to God. I am now able to grieve with Him. What I didn’t understand before was that God wasn’t this ghost that would watch me cry and just stay away watching. He was there the entire time. When I cry and I’m in pain He is crying and grieving with me. If I’m angry He is there. 100% there. I had to let go and let Him into those hurting places. I had to say “God I can’t face this pain without you. I need you to help me.” And He does every time.

I still have a lot of questions for God. I know that God didn’t cause my sister to die. I know that He didn’t take her because she was so amazing. God isn’t like that. But I also know He didn’t stop the accident from happening. Why? I have no idea. Honestly, I had to give that question to Him and stop asking. I don’t understand why bad things happen or why there are hurricanes and tornados. I do know that the answers to those questions surpass my understanding. And Im ok with that. I am ok with not knowing everything. It’s not my job to know everything. What I do is that God is good ALL THE TIME and His love ENDURES FOREVER. That is what I know and hold to.

Grieving is a process. It hurts. No one wants to go through it but I’m telling you it’s worth it to face the pain for a short time then to stuff it down and feel nothing. You find out what you are made of in the process. That is no way to enjoy life at all. God is the best comforter. He is always there just waiting for you to come to Him with your questions and your pain. He never leaves us. No mess is too much for Him. You can even be angry at Him and yell at Him. He wont leave or turn His back on you. He will just embrace you and love on you.

Also, seeing a counselor is an extremely helpful tool. They help you look at the situations from a new perspective they are there to listen and to help you. By the way seeing a counselor doesn’t mean your crazy or broken. That’s what I always thought. I thought if I’m seeing a counselor it means I’m loosing my mind and I’m crazy. It’s actually a practical tool to help you walk through pain or help you with situations you might be facing. It’s also really nice to just have someone listen to you.

[imthemoonlightyouadore]

Rant? Sure.

I struggle with my depression everyday and some days are better than others. When I see something that brings me back to that intense emotional state all I want to do is take cover. I break down and I don't mean just a few tears shed I mean, I’m crying a whole ocean. I hate to go to people with this sort of thing, because I'm so afraid i’ll just push them away. I feel like my soul is mourning and I don’t know how to explain that to people. It’s a heavy feeling and it can come off heavy to others and that why I tend to keep it to myself. I know i’m so blessed. I have my own little place, a beautiful girlfriend, a very good best friend, I'm in school, i have a car, and etc, but it’s like all I can focus on is the sadness within. How my childhood was, how everyone I love leaves, and how i don't feel enough. Im so use to people getting bored with me and to be frank I have no fight left in me. I’m sick of having to show people my true colors and how lovely my heart is. Yeah its full of sorrows, but nevertheless its still lovely. So, i’ll just sit here listening to sad songs starring at the wall and replay every heartbreak in my head. I don't know how to mend, I never have known. My pills don’t seem to be helping with my sadness and I don't even have a chemical imbalance, so its just pure honest sadness within me. Theres so much that they don’t know. All the scars, all the tears, holy shit Ive cried so much i am truly shocked i can even produce anymore tears. I guess why I am sad, is that...well...I always feel like a pass time. I feel like no one truly SEES me. No one has ever fully seen my soul. I know when that one person comes along and sees me (if ever) thats when i know i have met my soul mate. The saddest part is no one even tried to see me...i’m always the one asking whats going through your mind, tell me about that scar, what makes you sad, let me know your life...no one ever does this for me. Im just tired of it. So of course thinking of that leads to thinking of other things and then I'm stuck. Im stuck on past memeories of  heartache and disappointment. Why am i never eniugh?  Why does every single person I've ever loved leave and find someone else. Am i too much? Or am I not enuogh?  Who knows maybe love is just not meant for me in this lifetime...maybe i’m here to show others love but not receive. Idk. What i do know is love is not my friend, in fact it is the worst pain i have ever felt in my life. Its suicide. I feel that i long for soemthing i can't have. a daydream that will never be. I need to stop trying..because in the end everyone leaves anyway. This is why I just hooked up with people, and yeah i won't lie i was a player people even called me out on it. I had a bunch of hoes and didn't care to get close to any of them because i knew if i did, as soon as i did they would just leave anyway. Or maybe I'm delusional? Because maybe if I'm honest i guess i did try..but they never saw me..didnt stop me from leaving them with parts of me though and now i feel like i don't have much left. I’m just a thread. sad right? this young and this depressed. All started when i was 13, thats when depression decided to be my bestfriend. Ive done everything to get away from that “friend”..drugs, sex, LOTS of sex with lots of people, getting drunk all the time, self destruct..running off with starnger i just met and getting in their car..i didn't care, i never have...anything to get away from the pain or to find an antidote. but regardless nothing has worked and now i have to try to do it the healthy way but my default setting is to do all that again, drugs, the drinks, the mindless sex, letting people take what they want and leave. who knows maybe some day ill get it right, but as of now I'm still struggling....

[graceosborneba2a-blog]

Kevin

G: How did you become homeless?

K:I had a nervous breakdown kind of thing, and depression. And I, my relationship broke down, kind of thing.

G: How do you think people who aren't homeless view people who are homeless?

K: I think people are sad. I hid it when I was homeless, no one knew. I hid that I was homeless. It's only about six months ago I stopped hiding it, but before then I hid it. I was washing, cleaning, hid my stuff. I had a little bit of money, but not two much.

G: If you were to think back years ago before you were homeless, and you saw someone who was homeless, what did you think then?

K: I didn't think I’d ever be in hat situation, but wha I thought was, I wanted to help, I tried to give a sandwich or something. I though it was sad and I just, I wanted to help, I just thought it was sad to be honest. You don't ask, you don't say whats going on. Because you might not be able to help. I didn't realise there was so much help for the homeless, until I became homeless. I thought people on the street were starving, they cant do anything, they're cold, but theres so much help. Thats anther aspect, I did not realise there was so much help. There is places you can go and have something to eat, theres places like the soup run and they give you clothes and food, and I went to the Arch and got a sleeping bag cause before I was homeless I had a tent and a sleeping bag that  I got myself. But then they got nicked and I didn't have much money, so I got one from the Arch. I didn't know what BBH was or I might have come here as well,  I might have come to see CAPS sooner. I’ll always remember the first time I came here.

G: How much sleep did you use to get, when you were in the tent and outside Debenhams.

K: Sometimes about six hours, sometimes less.  Because it is noisy on the street, I had my shoes nicked once. You leave anything around people will take it, they think its funny.

G: Did loads of people sleep outside Debenhams?

K: I was on my own. I was where no one bothered me, the other side there use to be five or six people in a row. And they all knew each other. Then when I was there CAPS found me and I started talking to them. But before that I was going to commit suicide, but I saw CAPS and the story comes after that.

G: Whats the best thing thats happened to you this week?

K: This week? You really want to know? I’ve just moved in to a flat. I moved in yesterday, its not a council flat. I went from CAPS and BBH to Genesis house which is like a hostel kind of thing. Bishop Bridge is like the bottom of the ladder and then Genesis and then with in there theres a move on flat which is completely self reliant but theres still help if I need it.

G: Thats amazing, congratulations.

K: I came here on the 22nd September and then they asked my on the 27th December if I wanted a flat and then I moved in yesterday.

G: What three words would you use to describe being homeless?

K: three words, thats interesting, scared. Maybe, I felt dirty I guess even though I wasn't really, unclean maybe. And depressing.

G: What made you feel safe? Or what makes you feel safe?

K: safe? When I was homeless, I wasn't safe. I didn't feel safe.

G: What was the scariest bit about it?

K: When I got my shoes nicked, and when other people open your sleeping bag at night and say ‘oh no wrong person’. Theres people after each other, Ive known people who've been weed on, students think its funny. Someone had their sleeping bad set fire to, while they were in it. Groups of kids at night time, they kick the sleeping bags. You get spat at, people got stabbed.

There was something that happened last winter, there were two guy, young guys who were sleeping rough and they'd gone to sleep by one of the vents by castle mall, they curled up by one of the heating vents. In freeing weather, and a security guard from Castle Mall came out and threw a bucket of cold water over them. It mush have been mine three. They literally had what they were wearing, people sleep in what they've got to keep warm. And he threw a bucket of old water over them. They got down here I think with in 24 hours and I think the guys lost his job. They're human beings who are trying to keep warm when its minus 2.

G: What does the word home mean to you?

K: Safe, comfort, just normal really.  Like when you get of the street and come here, just a bed and a shower.  Lots of the time it's so cold you just cant sleep, you just wake up from shivering.

G: Where would you like to be in a years time?

K: I would like to have my own place and I would like to have a job. Be normal really. I never thought, thirty years ago that I would be homeless. Its all things people take for granted, thats what I see as normal. watching telly, sitting down, being okay, being safe. Having hot food, we take that for granted. Being warm, clean, hot water. Thats what I want.

G: Is there anything you think its important for people to know about?

K: The homeless need help, we do need help. There are  some bad ones on the streets, I m not saying there aren’t. But they make the good ones look bad. You only need one bad one. I’ll give you an example of bad, begging on the streets saying they've got nowhere to sleep when they have. Professional beggars.

G: I never know whether to give money or food or not

K: If you offer food and they don't take it that means they're not homeless. Thats my opinion. I saw someone give this couple who were begging a pizza once, and he got the pizza and chucked it in the bin, Ive seen that. I was disgusted with that, theres other people out there who are homeless and hungry they could have just given it to them. People out there do want help and I think the problem is a lot of people don't know they can get help. I did not know I could get help.

G: do you think theres anything the government could do?

K: They try, they do try, but there is so much homelessness. Everyday there is somewhere people can go and get food. People only can get help if they want it. If I don't want help then theres nothing you can do. I didn't realise you had to be registered as homeless with the council before you can be recognised as homeless, if you're not registered you cant get anywhere. You have to help yourself before anyone can help you.  CAPS, they have to see you on the street three or four times, and at different times, they wont give you a date when there gonna come or whatever. The first 12/14 months I just hid, I didn't want help so I wasn't  recognised as homeless, I was never recognised. If its too easy everyone would just be turning up at the council. At the moment I'm doing charity work, you know St. Stephan's Street church? Homeless can go in there and say ‘I’m homeless’ and get a free coffee and something to eat. Theres the soup run and kings on a Sunday, the soup runs a dodgy though, I wouldn't go. Dont go anywhere near it, people have been seriously hurt, people are desperate you know, and they fight.

Some people get offered rooms, places with the council but because they've been on the streets for such a long time and it's so ingrained in them they cant deal with it, they get scared. Having a roof and a bed just becomes so overwhelming and they're scared. Theres a lady who's got so many bags and she's been offered places by the council but she cant deal with it, she doesn't know how. Thats what the government need to work on more. Theres so many.

And it is overwhelming, I went from sleeping in Debenham door way to BBH to Genesis to my own flat in 4 months and I did feel depressed during, especially leaving here. But I’ve been volunteering, cooked at quakers and St Stephens Street. I cooked Christmas dinner here, and I loved it. That was on my bucket list, I’ve always wanted to do Christmas dinner for the homeless.

Its all started to come together when I nicked some sandwiches from Tesco, I was desperate you know and the police gave me a list of all the help you can get. The saddest thing, I’ve been homeless for to years and Ive only started getting help six months ago, six months, I didn't know you could still be on the job seekers if you were homeless, did you know that? So people might be getting that but they might not, you don't know. I didn't have a phone so they couldn’t get in contact with me when I started getting help, so I came in here to see what was going on and I waited a bit and then I got in, by timing and luck and my whole life changed. But I have been down, I wanted to end it, everything to be honest. And I did cut my wrist, and I went to Eaton Park where the boating lake is and the other lake. I went there, to jump in. And these ducks were following my around, wouldn't let me go in. I’m not stupid I know they wanted food you know but after that I went to see the ARK and asked for help.

This is what saved me, this place. This is the point from when things got better. This changed my live, BBH and all the staff. Well, i changed my life but BBH enabled me and helped me, I did the hard work but they put the support in. They help, they really did. Even the police helped.