#the sacrificial wet cats

[theghostlyunknown]

Every season the server picks 1 wet cat to throw around in the first episode. 3rd life was scar. Last life I’m not fully sure but let’s say Grian since first bogey kill. Double life was ranchers (and a little of pearl). Limited life was absolutely Skizz. Not a shadow of a doubt in my mind. And secret life is Martyn. It’s like it saw that he won last season and went “Right. None of that.” And then drop kicked him into the sun.

[beloveds-embrace]

We should also consider sopping wet cat reader who only joined the military out of being broke and depressed as shit and thought might as well die there out on a battlefield instead of doing it themselves.

Except they are just. Really fucking good at what they do without even trying. It doesn’t matter how often they play the “bait” role, the distraction, the first to go out in the open- they just keep surviving.

And obviously, this means they are a good soldier. John Price needs good soldiers, so it’s obvious what should happen next. Except he fucking hates how self-sacrificial you are. All of them do but you just keep doing it.

[kisakis-boyfriend]

Genshin Impact Masterlist

🎃 = Halloween specials

❄️ = Winter specials

✨ = Not smut; SFW

Headcannons

Trans sub Aether

Bennett's first time – (Sub Bennett)

Hit with sex pollen – (Sub Kaveh, Bennett, Freminet)

Catboy Freminet – (Sub Freminet)

Sub Diluc

Scaredy Cat! – (Sub Tighnari, Gorou; Ghost reader) 🎃

Halloween costume headcannons – (Wanderer, Kaveh, Alhaitham, Layla, Heizou, Kaeya) 🎃✨

Dragon Freminet 🎃✨

Making trans demons cum/squirt on command – (Sub Scaramouche, Freminet, Albedo; Witch reader) 🎃

Diluc in a slutty Halloween dress 🎃

Diluc x Soft demon reader – (Sub Diluc) 🎃

Freminet x vampire reader – (Sub Freminet) 🎃

Camboy Freminet

An Oni's Beloved – (Sub Yae Miko; Oni reader)

Xiao courting headcannons ✨

Spicy Gaming headcannons

Neuvillette x tall reader HCs ✨

Stripper Kinich HCs

Scenarios

Wet dream in your lap pt. 1 – (Sub Wanderer, Xiao, Venti, Aether)

Wet dream pt. 2 – (Sub Lyney, Lynette, Freminet)

Kissing Chongyun – (Sub Chongyun)

Submissive Genshin Darlings – (Sub Wanderer, Heizou, Kaeya, Alhaitham)

More ghost reader – (Sub Tighnari, Gorou) 🎃

Oops, all catboys + catgirl! – (Sub Lyney, Lynette, Freminet) 🎃

I Warned You About Those Woods, Bro! – (Sub Lyney, Lynette; Werewolf reader) 🎃

I Heart Subs pt. 1 – (Multifandom scenario; Sub Freminet, Scaramouche, Xiao, Bennett)

Wet Dream pt. 3 – (Sub Dottore, Childe)

I Heart Subs pt. 2 – (Sub Diluc, Childe, Kazuha, Neuvillete)

Teasing Furina – (Sub Furina)

Whiny, drunk Kaveh – (Sub Kaveh)

Spoiling Freminet

Receiving Lyney, Lynette, and Freminet as a present – (Sub Lyney, Lynette, Freminet) ❄️

Freminet's first snow ❄️✨

I Heart Subs pt. 3 – (Sub Scaramouche, Furina, Freminet)

I Heart Subs pt. 4 – (Sub Xiao)

I Heart Subs pt. 5 – (Sub Neuvillette, Wriothesley Alhaitham)

Pure Yang Spirit – (Sub Chongyun)

Railing them – (Sub Freminet, Lyney)

Stuck in a hole – (Sub Bennett)

Sensory deprivation – (Sub Aether, Kaveh)

I Heart Subs pt. 6 – (Sub Zhongli)

I Heart Subs pt. 7 – (Sub Scaramouche, Xiao, Lyney) 🎃

Getting Kinich Pregnant – (Sub Kinich; Witch reader) 🎃

Oneshots/Drabbles

Eating out trans Freminet

Public phone sex – (Sub Freminet)

Furriendly Competition – (Trans sub Lyney)

Deep Dark Waters – (Sub Freminet; Sea monster reader) 🎃

Sleeping Benny – (Sub Bennett; Sleep paralysis demon reader) 🎃

Beware the Big Bad Wolf – (Sub Bennett; Wolfboy reader) 🎃

Trade Off – (Sub Xiao; Monster reader) 🎃

Sacrificial Lamb – (Sub Bennett; Incubus reader) 🎃

Oh, To Be A Harbinger – (Various sub Fatui grunts)

Rimming Freminet – (Sub Freminet)

Teaching Freminet How To Masturbate

Soft sex with Ayaka – (Sub Ayaka) ❄️

Kaveh x monster reader – (Sub Kaveh; Plant monster reader)

Soft noncon – (Sub Scaramouche)

Albedo's Experiment – (Sub Albedo)

Gaming x monster reader – (Sub Gaming) 🎃

Scaramouche + Kinich wearing a sexy Halloween costume – (Sub Scaramouche, Kinich) 🎃

Tonguefucking in the Teapot – (Sub Ororon)

Baizhu x monster reader – (Sub Baizhu) 🎃

[yvain]

Megan Fox in knitted leg warmers and short-shorts, a puffy coat and red fishnets, a color guard uniform, an Evil Dead raglan tee and star-spangled underwear, a cropped hoodie and low-rise jeans, an Edwardian prom dress with long white opera gloves. A wet strand of hair drawn through her mouth. Swimming naked in a lake glassy with twilight. Blackening the tip of her tongue with a lighter. In hunger, wan and beautiful as a consumptive heroine. Levitating. Snarling. Doe eyes, full and glossed lips. Dropping onto a car like a wild cat. Projectile vomiting an unctuous, inky liquid onto her best friend. Teeth like a nurse shark. A distended, disarticulated jaw like a python. Jennifer’s body on a sacrificial altar, sobbing. Jennifer’s body moving eerily from a great distance; then too close, and from the wrong angle. Jennifer pulling a rod out of her shish-kebabbed torso, saying, through a mouth of blood, “Do you have a tampon?” Jennifer’s body underlining the politics of Jennifer’s Body; a sex symbol through a funhouse mirror. (The film’s execs thought she’d be a draw for teenage boys, but teenage boys hated it. They didn’t know they were coming to be eaten. Not like that.)

Carmen Maria Machado, “Both Ways,” in It Came from the Closet: Queer Reflections on Horror (ed. Joe Vallese)

[malcolmschmitz]

REVIEW: THE VICAR MAN

Okay, so, I finished @ameliahcrowley 's THE VICAR MAN. I promised to leave an Amazon review but Amazon won't let me. So in the spirit of our agreement, I'm leaving a review somewhere and figuring out Amazon later.

TLDR: The Vicar Man is good! I liked it! If you like funny historical fantasy you will probably like it!

So as you could probably guess from the title, The Vicar Man is a spoof of The Wicker Man, the classic folk horror movie. (It's mostly drawing from the Christopher Lee one, not the Nic Cage one, and thank goodness for that.) Dora's village worships a dark, eldritch god and sacrifices virgins to it for the good of the harvest. When a stranger comes to town- a nice young vicar who genuinely seems oblivious to the horrors at hand-

Dora can't just let him get thrown on the sacrificial pyre. She has to save this guy. And the easiest way to keep someone from being a virgin sacrifice is to make sure they're not a virgin anymore. Problem is, Dora's aro/ace, and moderately sex-repulsed. But a man's life's at stake. She sets off on a quest to seduce the Vicar, poking fun of many historical romance tropes along the way.

It might be more accurate to call this story an unromance novel than a fantasy novel- it follows all the conventions of a romance novel, down to the plot beats, but none of them quite wind up where you'd expect. This isn't a traditional love story- but it's not not a love story. This isn't a traditional horror story- but it's not not a horror story. If you're aro and/or ace, you like the idea of historical romance, but you're not here for the Love At First Sight Based Solely On Pantsfeelings? This book was made for you, specifically.

What it is is a comedy, and it's fast-paced and funny the whole way through. Dora's incredibly likeable- especially if you're a snarky, nerdy bluestocking, or if you've left a high-control religious group- and her inner monologue never fails to please. Norman, the titular vicar, is a sad, wet cat of a man, a poor little meow meow, adorable and kind and So Very Doomed. The relationship between the two of them - well, I shan't spoil things, but I thought it was delightful.

This book has one quality that didn't always gel with me- the language sits a bit wrong for a historical, even one that's set in the year "uh. well. there's probably a king? named George?". There's a fair bit of Tumblr dialect sprinkled through here- in particular there's a handful of jokes that revolve around 21st century feminist terms, sometimes deliberately using them for a jarring and inappropriate effect. And sometimes it hit right, but sometimes it didn't do it for me. I'm oversensitive to language, though- heck, I invented an entire goddess for one setting so I wouldn't have to use 'modern' trans language in a setting where it doesn't belong!- and it probably won't bug most people.

Overall, I really enjoyed the time I spent with THE VICAR MAN- I'd recommend it if you like funny historical fantasy, if you'd enjoy reading a sendup of Gothic romances and folk horror, or if you like the idea of an aro/ace unromance novel. I'd especially recommend it if you like The Misadventures of Sawbones and Its Menagerie- the narrator, Dora, has a very similar narrative voice. They share that 'outwardly quiet and polite, but with a constant snarky inner monologue' energy.

Strong recommend, and thanks to the author for the review copy!

[hermesserpent-stuff]

“Where’s your buddies Gambit?”

Cyclops states, sounding firmly done with him. Which isn't fair. Gambit has not had the chance to be annoying yet. And Gambit is the sacrificial lamb here. Stuck going on mission with two ferals!! 

“Not sure. Monsieur Chat makes his own schedule.”

He hikes his lone bag a little higher with a shrug. He can feel the stares of the other teens. 

Ah. 

They had never seen him out of his armor. Well. this mission required a lot of public interaction between heists. His armor is safely packed away with his small assortment of clothes in his bag. For now, his jeans, boots, and three layers of jackets to fight the cold would need to be enough. 

Let them stare all they like. They'd not get another chance for a while. 

“Just like Creed to be late.”

Wolverine snarls angrily while rechecking over the van, presumably out of habit. 

[fortuneravine]

official fortuneravine oc post

so you guys actually know who i'm talking about!! wahoo!!!!

Team Campfire - Fig (cyndaquil, she/any) + Chive (chikorita, she/her)

fig: not much of a talker, it's hard to get a read on her. her shyness gets read as being cool and mysterious, which she's fine with. content with her pokemon form, but takes a long time to get comfortable in it. has accidentally set more than a few things on fire

chive: much more outgoing than her partner, she does most of the talking for the team. very passionate about food and cooking, she hopes to open a cafe one day. always experimenting with random nuts and berries, with a little help from fig's flames

Team Obsidian - Mistral (totodile, she/they) + Cinder (vulpix, she/they)

mistral: seemingly has absolutely no sense of danger of self preservation, she's reckless and hardly ever thinks things through. scares the shit out of cinder on a daily basis by doing something stupid. a bit of a self-sacrificial idiot, they get it from grovyle

cinder: anxiety incarnate. absolute wet cat of a fox. she's wanted to be an explorer her whole life, but getting badly injured in a dungeon scared her away from it for a long time. much more calm and confident nowadays, getting dragged into dangerous situations by a certain gator forced her to get over a lot of her fears

Team Hydra - Ceru (oshawott, she/xe) + Olivine (axew, he/they)

ceru: the funny one. you may know her from my critically acclaimed shitposts. xe's the oshknwott that works at subway. didn't have a whole lot going for xem as a human, she's much happier with her life as a pokemon

olivine: ollie to his friends. absolute guy. kind to a fault. he loves to feel useful and help other pokemon, to the point they forgets to look after themself. loves his friends and will fight anyone who is mean to them

The Rapids- Mistral (totodile, she/they) + Basil (riolu, they/them)

mistral: yeah the same guy from team obsidian. don't ask me how that works in lore, i don't know. this version is a bit younger

basil: let's hear it for kids with Problems!!!! they're around 12 years old, with all the accompanying issues that come with being around 12 years old. they tend to come off as overly enthusiastic or annoying, they really struggled to make friends until mist came along. they put on a brave face, but they've got hella insecurities

[toastandjamie]

Thinking about Mat and Tuon again. So something I’ve been considering lately is how the thing about Mat that Tuon seems to like the most is surprisingly his “softness”. So Tuon clearly likes how Mat can be cold and calculating even a little cruel when it comes to battling enemies, no mercy, the whole Lion on the high plains thing. This is an upbringing thing, what she expects from her consort, competency and a little cruelty that is necessary to what needs to be done. However, it’s impossible to ignore how endeared she is by the more, Two Rivers, aspect of Mat. His hang ups on killing women, his gentleness towards her physically, his embarrassment and shyness around public displays of intimacy, his in her view naive views on love and marriage, his just generally caring and self sacrificial personality even though he tries to hide it. She finds those aspects even more appealing to her than his capability for violence, because his kindness is New and Different to her. Seanchen culture does not promote the type of vulnerability Mat so innately shows. Like when he claimed to have snuck into the damane kennels to give one of the wind finders sweets because she did him a favor before, and while that was a lie, it’s unclear whether Tuon realizes it. The way she praises him for it reveals this almost affectionate side of her, to her it’s like seeing a cute boy feed a stray cat and give it little scratches behind the ears. It’s cute to her that he’s so kind towards damane, his shock and confusion over her telling him not to do so again because others may get the wrong idea only adds to her amusement, because Mat hadn’t even considered the possibility that someone could think he was there for unsavory purposes. Him letting a poisonous snake go, his shyness over her telling him to kiss her in front the Band, and again when she starts to strip in the garden after they reunited. And listen, while she obviously likes him capable, you can’t tell me that Tuon “likes lowering his eyes” Paendrag DOESNT like him at least a little wet and pathetic.

[uncovering-sumac]

So Long, Sumac by Del Blauschild

Hey loyal readers! This is the last time you'll hear from me for at least a little while. Sumac's tourism board is taking a break while we sort a few things out. We're not an official newspaper and we could get in trouble for running our mouths (and pens), so here are a few things we WON'T be making a statement on:

The hip fragment found in Candor Lake. Pulled from the waters by my very own upstairs neighbor during a midnight constitutional-slash-communion-with-the-spirits-of-the-departed, the fragment was confirmed to belong to former tourism writer Pat Davies. The tourism board has no official stance on the rumors that the wife of our town's mayor was seen with him the night he disappeared, or on her own recent disappearance. Rest in peace Pat.

The mayor's sudden collapse and death last night. Listen, it's called "unexplainable" for a reason. Why would I (or the ghost who's been gone from my apartment since my last post) know anything about that?

The shutdown of the lakefront. We know as much as you do: no drinking or bathing until further notice.

And here are a few things I WILL be commenting on!

Acacia. A few nights ago she followed Aiden home and refused to leave. We guess he has a cat now. Even fully dosed on Benadryl it's a little hard to spend quality time with her, but she likes being read to. So that's a start.

My new job. I never thought I would end up using my econ degree, but Bryn told me they could use an office manager up at the ranger station. To keep the park's books, schedule some programming, and write copy for educational materials. It's so far from where I saw myself at 18, it could be another planet. But I'm excited. And I'm happy to keep writing.

My neighbor's muffin recipe. When I came home to find a handwritten note tied up in a lock of blond hair and stuck to the door with a pin I swore I've seen the mayor's wife wear, my heart dropped. But when I unrolled it, I recognized the directions to make the muffins my upstairs neighbor gave me on my first day here.

~Darla's muffin recipe~

2 cups flour, 2 tsp baking powder, 1 cup milk, 3/4 cup sugar, 1/4 cup oil, 1 egg, 1 1/2 cup mulberries, 1 tsp tears shed for a lost loved one.

Preheat oven to 350F. Line a muffin tin with muffin papers. Carve the name of your loved one into a candle and light it.

Whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt while chanting the Litany of Grief. Continue to chant while mixing milk, sugar, egg, and oil. Pour wet ingredients into dry and whisk together.

Gently fold in the mulberries.

Scream at the moon.

Transfer the batter to the prepared tin. Sprinkle each muffin with brown sugar and a few extra berries.

Bake at 350F for 25-30 minutes, or until a sacrificial dagger inserted into the center comes out clean. Allow to cool for a few minutes, then serve. Allow the past to remain where it lies. Honor your grief, then put it to rest and walk boldly into the future with its valuable wisdom in your heart. Can be stored in an airtight container for 1-3 days room temp or 1-2 months in the freezer.

[tbhimnoteasyonmyself]

15 Day BL Challenge - DAY 56

Hi =)

Most Badass BL Character

A few out there. I chose these 2:

Jack (Jack & Joker) & Kim (Kinnporsche)

Nothing like a guy with martial arts skills and a brave heart, am I right? Jack is strong and he's enduring, and he's kind and he's self-sacrificial and a little unhinged too. He's got everything but most especially the psychological abuse and the blood on his face and his hands. Plus he kissed a guy when he thought they were both gonna blow up. 10/10

And I do hear you say "but Dante, Kim is a wet cat!" and, look, I agree, he is very much a sad, wet cat that can barely open his eyes but ppl contain multitudes, darling, being a sad wet cat is not mutually exclusive with being badass. He kills ppl, he sacrifices everything good in his life for control and a fake sense of safety and he wears leather jackets. Badass. Period.

[get-hockeyed-idiot]

🐺🪽🐧

🐺: I’ve always thought about making an entire lineup of Connors. Just a whole connery team

McDavid, bedard, dewar

Murphy, Clifton

Hellebuyck

Not saying it would necessarily be a GOOD team overall but it would be funny !!

Would also love to make a team of Ilyas but I don’t know if there are quite enough of them in the NHL to do full Ilya

🪽: sacrifice to the gods: Calen Addison, face it, he’s gods perfect little sacrificial lamb and he would face his fate with the same sad wet cat eyes as always. Do hard crimes with: it depends on the crime?? I think I’d do a Jason Bourne style spy infiltration with slafkovsky and a matrix style guns blazing with Marchand. Put that man in a leather trench coat STAT. Save the world with: duhaime because he’d be insufferable about it and that’s kinda hilarious

🐧: I am short on cool rocks that are available for photography right now FUCK!! but imagine if you will a rock that anabella brought me from mexico that has a little cave painting deer on it, it has a great handfeel and rockweight and I treasure it

[trevisos]

How are Xarrai and Ieriyn around animals? Are they animal lovers, or do they prefer to keep their distance? Are there any exceptions to the rule?

Bonus question: What animal do you think best represents each of them?

xarrai likes cats well enough but not great with dogs - the cult compound they grew up in didn’t have any animals around, and they’ve lived in baldur’s gate since then where dogs aren’t allowed. they have a soft spot for pathetic little animals tbh, they’ve definitely picked up a sad wet kitten and tried to convince the owner of whichever tavern they were playing in that night to keep it. they adore scratch and the owlbear cub and is happy to sleep curled up between them (and considers kicking astarion out of their bedroll in favor of them tbh. astarion is cold and not at all fluffy.) i think they pick up speak with animals during the game for the same reason they learn speak with dead (or at least wear an amulet that lets them use it) - it’s a good way to gather information. i could see them and astarion getting a cat post-game, some sad scraggly white thing xar finds in the street and brings home bc they’re just sooo smitten. they’re not like a huge animal person overall though, like, they’re not someone who stops to watch wildlife on the road or someone who feels like they Need a pet to be happy or anything.

ieriyn’s house always had a couple of cats in it when he was growing up and he’s always been really fond of them! he loves birds and dogs, too. his favorite part of hunting trips was always getting to see the hunting dogs at work - he’s a terrible shot anyway so he never really brought down much game. he’s deffffinitely a cat person but i could see him bringing scratch with him when he and gale go to waterdeep post game (assuming he can convince tara lol otherwise i think he would make halsin take scratch to reithwin and send letters asking for updates often.) ieriyn would feel weird ever living somewhere without a cat honestly. he and gale and tara spend many an evening curled up in front of the fire reading :)

in terms of animals that represent them, that’s hard! xarrai has a few tbh. i use a lot of wolf in sheep’s clothing metaphors with them so i do kinda associate them with wolves but at the same time i also associate them with sacrificial lambs lol. AND with like. big cats/wild cats in general. and also snakes. but none of those are like, super strong associations? idk what would represent them best….

ieriyn is um… something small and unassuming that can and will fuck up your day if you’re not careful… like a sand cat??????

like look at this thing. it’s so small and cute. but it’s also a very deadly predator. i’m sure there’s a better animal comparison i could make for him but now i’m just thinking about how much i love sand cats……. so cute

[crazy-pages]

Look one of my old cats has some poop problems. There's occasionally some little traces of wet poop that come out when she's asleep. It's not great.

Which I why I have a sacrificial bedsheet that's easy to clean which I lay over my bed each night, so Mini can still perch on top of my chest. ❤️

if u let ur cat sleep w u PLEASE tell me why in the tags. if i let keppy sleep with w us we would wake up 1000x a night. banishment to downstairs with you foul creature

[nuwanders]

zooming in immediately lmao <3 sending you 1, 2, 10, 19 for jórunn and mathyas

1. What was the original thought that led to the creation of this character?

jórunn was invented for a short story i wrote when i was maybe 9/10 ish, in which she and raydrin (under different names) are a young couple who go spelunking together and get lost when raydrin's headtorch goes out. it was actually my mum's idea and based on the deeply problematic notion of blind people having super bat-like hearing, which jórunn uses to find her way out🤨 mathyas was invented a few years later as raydrin's cousin when i started fleshing out j+r a little

2. How long was the process before the character reached its final version? (or a version that would be clearly recognizable as the character?)

all my OCs were just humans living in the real world for a few years, they were remade as TES ocs after i played skyrim for the first time at maybe. 15? and even then, they only became recognisable as the characters they are today when i started writing K&L. That was in 2021 soo... i'd say it took maybe 10-ish years for both of them 😵‍💫 interestingly both of their personalities did a kind of 180... jórunn was meant to be one of those characters who is very stoic and level-headed, maybe a little reserved, but i didn't know how to write, so she just ended up with like a Nothing personality. i took that reservation and asked myself WHY she isn't super forthcoming, which spawned the embittered + blunt (but ultimately well-meaning) jórunn we have today similarly mathyas was originally v messy and chaotic in his personal life, like kind of lazy, occasionally depressed, introverted, etc... traits which now belong to raydrin, whilst mathyas is the serious, orderly + disciplined redoran. (still a sleep-deprived diva though)

10. What is their main character arc in the story? Where do they start and how do they develop? Do they get a happy ending or is their story a tragic one?

jórunn is the reluctant hero who rises from ordinary beginnings to meet a legendary fate. as the story progresses, she develops this sense of impending doom, as well as a loss of self, particularly as she subsumes more and more dragon souls. she becomes very self-sacrificial about it, in part because she feels like she has nothing to live for - her old life was shit and she left it on purpose. raydrin is the only thing keeping her grounded by the end of it. her story is tragic in that sense, but i do still vaguely intend to finish K&L someday so i won't say any more lol mathyas' arc is similarly about the fracturing of the self. it's the kind of story that tumblr girlies loveeee writing posts about, 'prey animal rage', 'the worst thing a character can be is unlucky', 'perpetrator trauma', 'denied the catharsis of punishment' etc... on a very superficial level i feel he is a true Poor Little Meow Meow. but in all seriousness i do think he is quite a traditional tragic hero in that he brings about his own downfall due to a serious error in judgement. we haven't really got to that bit in his story yet but we are like RIGHT on the precipice of his Turning Point, i just need to finish this fucking chapter ;_;

19. What is your general favourite thing about the character? What is your least favourite?

these two are my faves, i can't lie... i love writing both of them and find it v easy to do so, there is something about characters who are a little Mean that is very fun to write. i also love torturing them both. so i would say their shared wet cat energy is one of my favourite things about them my least favourite is harder... i think i worry sometimes that they're maybe a little tropey? mathyas especially (see above). but yeah this one is hard, they're both v flawed as people, but i love their flaws almost more than their strengths so idk...

[i-did-not-mean-to]

Come sail away - Part II

So, here's the second part of this :D (Part I)

Words: 3.6 k (I'm so sorry...it's rather long for me)

Warnings: NSFW, SMUT, Citrus all around...and sea, and accidents, and the usual nonsense

Summary: Fíli and Maura are taking out the boat while Lexi has an unfortunate accident!

With an exclamation strangled by a fit of laughter, Maura slipped out of her bikini bottom as well and jumped after him, letting the blessedly cold ocean swallow her just as Fí’s arms closed around her body and brought back the heat.

“Hello beautiful,” Fíli laughed and pressed a salty kiss onto her lips while he treaded water with the ease of a duck and the elegant strength of a big cat.

“Hi baby,” Maura replied and slung her legs around his, shamelessly rubbing herself against his groin underwater until he went cross-eyed with want; she was entirely naked while his swimming trunks grew tighter and more uncomfortable by the second.

“Oh God, I want you,” he moaned when she dug her fingers into his hair and pulled on it so his face floated like a sacrificial offering on the azure sea.

“If you can catch me,” Maura laughed, “you shall have me, but you’ll have to catch me first.”

And – before he could fully process her words once more – she had let go of him and pushed him under, already swimming away from the boat in elegant, forceful movements.

“You’ll be the death of me,” Fíli groaned and dove after her ambitiously.

The way her naked body cleaved the waves made him dizzy with desire, his mouth felt dry despite the endless amount of water around him, and the hot knot of lust thrumming in his gut paralysed his legs; Fíli decided that he would have to close his eyes if he didn’t want to literally drown in his love and concupiscence for this woman.

They were more or less of one height and so it took longer than he would have liked to admit catching up to her, but – in one last, herculean leap – he closed his arms around her legs and pulled her under the surface.

Her body flowed like warmer, smoother water through his hands as she rose up again, whipping back her long hair, looking black with wetness now, and laughing breathlessly.

“Let’s get back to the boat,” he purred seductively. Thankfully, she did not try to race him back as well for – by now – Fíli deemed himself fortunate if he didn’t sink like a stone.

“Oh, how I yearned to be alone with you,” Fíli admitted as they reached the small vessel, but then, a terrible realisation hit him; they had not let down the little latter that was to be attached manually.

“Erm,” Fíli chuckled, “I guess I’ll have to give you a boost.”

“Why can’t I give you a boost?” Maura asked suspiciously.

“I’m stronger, you’re lighter, take your pick,” Fíli said, his words underscored by rumbling laughter that melted into blubbering when his chin slipped under the surface of the water.

When his hands espoused the curve of her ass though, Maura knew that he had much baser motivations for privileging this constellation; while she scrambled madly for purchase – her wet hands slipping on the worn plastic – his thumbs curled inwards, pressing seductively against spots that were too close to different erogenous zones without hitting any of them.

She groaned, fighting the desire to let herself sink back and hence invite more of those tantalising caresses with which Fíli teased her now under the pretence of heaving her back onto the dangerously swaying cockleshell.

When she had finally made it onto the hot, sticky deck, she turned around to pull Fí up as well.

“Nice view, definitely the right decision,” he commented as her breasts hovered only inches away from his face and – true to his playful nature – he gave them a quick nip as he pushed himself up to match her efforts.

Crashing into her and slamming her back, he came to rest – panting with exertion – on top of her naked flesh; she was made for this, truly, the way the sun caressed her skin – bejewelled with millions of sparkling diamonds of water droplets – made her glow like a goddess of old.

There was no doubt in his mind about this: Maura was the kind of woman that had pushed men to go to war in hopes to be allowed but a glimpse of her glowing beauty in the blazing sun; her whole being seemed to be moulded from silver and gold, adorned with luxuriously dyed silks and encrusted with the rarest gems, and he felt giddy with pride that he was the one getting to hold her in his arms.

There was not a pearl in this whole ocean more precious, not a dark creature more mysterious, and not a drop of water more scintillating than her; he had never needed anything or anyone as much in his whole life.

Ori bit his lip, wondering what would be considered too cute now; he had already overstepped the boundaries by cradling her hand in his, but – at the same time – he was strangely reticent to let go of it.

“I hope they’re alright,” Lexi mused, looking out on the water that seemed smooth as a mirror in the distance.

“No doubt, Fíli is an excellent swimmer. They’re probably doing unspeakable things on that plastic sloop.” Ori rolled his eyes – envy battling indulgent mockery – but froze when Lexi uttered a heart-rending sigh.

Did she dream of things like that, he wondered, did she imagine herself as the heroine of some three-pence romance novel?

“I’m a solid swimmer,” he burst out, not entirely sure where he was going with that.

“I do not doubt it,” Lexi laughed, her eyes sparkling when she turned around to face him.

Her mouth went dry all at once; he looked like the kind of statue one found half-buried in the dark sands of the ocean floor, a monument to the deities of cultures long forgotten.

The way the reflection of the sun on the water danced in waves – white on white – over his chest mesmerised her; she knew now what his skin felt like and – as by divine intuition – she was sure that he’d taste like salted caramel – sweat, sea spray, and innate sweetness – if she was to give in this time and steal that kiss.

In her dazed mind, the picture came alive: his fingers splayed on the small of her back and her lips pressed against the thrumming skin on the side of his neck; oh yes, she could imagine the undulating rocking of his body swayed by the current and the feeling of the thin layer of cold water being warmed between their flesh as she’d cling to him loosely.

He struck her as the kind of man who would be game for that kind of harmless tenderness.

“What is it? Do I have something on my face?” Ori asked nervously, his gaze glued to the sluggish dancing of the waves – mirrored in the depth of her eyes – to avoid being distracted by her scantily clad body glistening like gold and amber.

Every fibre in her body yearned to just flow against him softly as did the lazy water, but she held herself back – memories of the awful dates she had suffered through only recently resurfacing like flotsam – and merely shook her head.

So engrossed was she in his beauty though that she had not taken any heed of the jellyfish aggregating in the shallows until an ominous, roughly triangular, grey shape startled her into stepping back in surprise.

Her foot landed squarely on one of the creatures, making her slip backward, and she uttered a piercing cry as a sharp, stinging pain cut through her.

Before she could land on her ass though, two arms were thrown around her writhing body and she was lifted out of the water carefully.

“Blasted beasts,” Ori hissed as she got heavier in his arms when he waded to shore.

“Oh my God, what happened? It was a joke,” Kíli cried, splashing frantically in his efforts to join them rapidly; he hadn’t noticed the jellyfish either and was overcome with guilt.

He was wearing a ridiculous imitation of a shark fin on his head, but unfortunately, Lexi could not even appreciate the situation as it felt as if her whole leg was being stabbed by flaming hot needles.

“You got to pee on it,” he screamed as he stumbled but caught himself just in time.

“What?” Ori stared back at him in wordless shock.

Lexi was in considerable pain still, but she couldn’t help wondering if he would truly whip out his private parts on the beach; she knew for a fact that it was a bad idea to pee on a jellyfish sting, but she waited to tell him so until his hand actually went to his trunks.

“This cannot be the first time this has happened,” Lexi groaned, “maybe we should go to the pharmacy and ask them what to do? Get a cream or something?”

“I’ll go,” Kíli exclaimed, already sprinting up the sand towards the road, “again, I am so sorry!”

As the first panic following the incident was subsiding, Lexi could now at least conjure up a weak smile as she watched the shark fin bob chaotically along the road, but as she tried to set her foot down, new barbs of pain shot up her leg.

“I’ll bring you in,” Ori smiled, “hold on.”

Oh, it was indecent, Lexi thought, but one of the easiest way to carry another grown-up, if one was not an action-hero, was to have her sling her arms around his neck and her legs around his torso while his hands supported her ass.

“Would you really have peed on me?” she asked as he rammed his shoulder into the French window in hopes that it would spring open on its own.

He smelled like sea, salt, and sunscreen and – pretending to be weaker than she actually felt – she dropped her cheek onto his shoulder to feel his skin against her own.

“If it had helped,” Ori chuckled, “maybe the sight would have amused you? Laughter is the best medicine after all.”

“Hmmm, you can still show me,” Lexi replied dreamily, “but I doubt that I’d laugh.”

He made a strangled noise deep in his throat, carrying her past a series of doors until he reached hers, muttering that he wondered if she was suffering from toxic shock.

“Take me to the bathroom?” she pleaded.

One look told her that the area looked as if she had put it into particularly vicious stinging nettles, which – in a way – she had: red, swollen, and acutely aching, her foot looked like it was destined to end up as minced meat.

“Alright,” Ori said nervously, “what would make it less painful? Cold water?”

He sat her down onto the rim of the bathtub and turned the old-fashioned faucets to fill it with ice-cold water while they waited for Kíli to come back from the pharmacy.

Careful to stay behind her at all times, he had to reach quite a bit, but the friction of her almost naked body – clammy and yet so warm – against his own unclad skin had had effects on him that he’d rather not rub in her face – quite literally as she was now seated at the perfect height – accidentally; in a few minutes, or so he hoped and prayed, it would subside anyway.

A draft – smelling of sun and ocean – blew in through the open window and Lexi shivered slightly; Ori was torn between offering to leave her so she could get out of her wet bikini and the reticence to desert her when she was in pain.

After wavering for a few seconds, he wrapped a towel around her and closed the window while Lexi moved her foot – red and slightly swollen – in the cold water languidly.

“Thanks for catching me and carrying me all the way,” she whispered without turning around to look at him; she found it somewhat peculiar that he’d stand behind her back, but – at the same time – he would have had to climb into the tub if he had wanted to face her.

“My pleasure,” he replied in a voice that sounded so earnest that it made her smile.

“You are not on any dating apps by chance?” she quipped, remembering that laughter was the best medicine apparently.

“No,” Ori laughed, “never had much success with that; it eats away at what little confidence I have. Why? Want to go on another disappointing date? I am pretty sure ‘had to slather him in sunscreen before stepping onto a jellyfish’ wins the prize anyway.”

“Hmmm, that’s not how I would have described it,” Lexi mused silently, “but yeah, I’d definitely swipe right on you.”

“You would?” Ori sounded honestly surprised, “Even though I was not in the least cute?”

“You can be cuter than this?” Lexi imbued her voice with a challenging note.

“Oh, watch me!” Ori laughed and squeezed her shoulder shortly when he heard Kíli come back, his naked feet slapping against the wooden floorboards and his frantic panting echoing through the whole cottage.

“You drive me insane,” he groaned, “I cannot think of anything but you.”

There were so many other words he wanted to say, but this was neither the time nor the place to bring up the wishes and needs of his yearning heart; sooner or later, he would have to let her see just how needy he truly felt underneath the air of bonhomie and the pretence of careless charm, but not quite yet.

“Is that so?” Maura cocked one eyebrow, her body blurring in the blinding sunlight as she lay – sprawled out and comfortable – with her eyes now closed as if the world only existed to serve as a backdrop to her glory.

Instead of answering, Fíli tore off his own swimwear – sticking uncomfortably to his heated skin – and covered her body with his; the literal sun was hence replaced by a metaphorical one, his hair glowing like a halo around his ruggedly handsome face when she pried open her lids upon realising that a shadow had fallen on her seconds before his skin came to rest on hers.

“Let me just look at you,” he breathed, more to himself than to her; he had seen her a thousand times and yet, as soon as she was out of sight, he berated himself for not having looked at her more.

“You idiot,” she laughed, lifting her legs to pull him closer again after he had risen to his knees to drink in the way the light played on her curves – painting highlights and shadows across the paradisiac expanse of her bare chest – or to follow the faint lines of dried salt that all led to the dimple of her navel still holding that last drop of ocean water like a sacred chalice.

“I love you,” he whispered, giving in to her tugging willingly and groaning when his cock brushed against the wet heat that was nothing like the cool ocean they had just left.

His lips – and all those beautiful words – travelled down Maura’s warm skin; “I adore you” – kisses down her neck; “I cannot live without you” – a flick of his tongue against the salty peaks of her breasts, “I miss you as soon as you’re gone” – a dip of that same tongue into the hallowed pool of sea water in her belly button; “You’re mine” – a chaste, closed-lip kiss on the velvety skin between her legs.

“Fí,” she sighed; it was a plea and an exhortation so airy translating a yearning so voracious and deep.

When he allowed that devout tongue – busy in the worship of the goddess who was sun and moon to him – to delve into the salty heat of her lust, they both moaned at the same time; she smelled like the ocean, and she tasted like heaven.

Writhing on the rough surface of worn plastic, Maura saw stars spinning overhead in the endless blue of a midday sky; eternity contracted into a single grain of sand under her helplessly clawed fingers as he lapped at her lazily like the sea washed against the shore.

Fíli listened to her pant his name as he brushed his thumb – broad and as smooth as the algae-covered rocks – from the entrance to that cave of wonders to the pearl of her lust and back in slow, deliberate strokes.

“Come to me,” she begged, but he was unable to let her off the hook; he had caught himself a mermaid – mesmerising and dangerous – and he could not let her slip back into the depths of the ocean.

Redoubling his efforts, he felt her tense under him.

The spasms shaking her felt like an underwater volcanic eruption; the sea – so calm and placid on the surface – seemed to be churning wildly and Maura felt herself being tossed around violently from the sheer intensity of her release.

Before she could catch her breath though to beg him anew, Fíli had slipped into her with the same ease as displayed while jumping into the water; the familiar and yet ever exciting feeling of being stretched and filled made her groan with pleasure.

They were one – with each other and with the universe – and he started moving to the rhythm of the sea; every wave rocking the boat seemed to make him flow in and out, and the gentle tides of his tender lovemaking conjured up a happy smile on her face.

Soon though, the invisible storm was back and hurled them around mercilessly – flinging them against the rocks of passion to shatter like seashells – as Fíli surged and crashed into her like the angry, stormy North Sea threw itself against the rocky shore in defiance.

Their whimpers of encouragement and self-abandoned pleasure bled into the cacophony of the seagulls screaming somewhere in the distance until – with a shuddering, hoarse scream – Fíli lost himself in that other kind of wet paradise, pumping his own warm contribution into her while hugging her to his chest almost spasmodically.

The feeling of his coarse chest hair against her sensitive nipples was enough to push Maura over the edge as well – that second climax coming fast and hard on the heels of the first one that had never been allowed to fully ebb away and lose itself in the sands of time – and she sank her teeth into the flesh of his shoulder in an insane attempt to not let him go.

“My God,” Maura laughed, “they’ll think that we’ve drowned.”

Fíli just shrugged; he was fairly certain that none of his kinsmen had wasted a single thought on him this far, but then again, he didn’t exactly know how long they had been gone.

He was perfect, Maura thought hazily, the way he was stretched out – naked and proud – under the sun, letting sea water and other fluids dry on his skin that was already gilded by the golden rays; unapologetic by nature, Fíli didn’t feel the need to hide who he was in private, and she felt honoured to be allowed to witness these moments of vulnerable truth.

“As much as I’d love to stay here forever like this,” she sighed, “I think we should get back. You can sneak into my room after dinner?”

The summer camp atmosphere – secret meetings and stolen kisses – stoked their desire more than either one of them would have cared to admit.

“If you manage to get away from your chaperone, you mean?” Fíli chuckled as he slipped back into his wet trunks with a grimace; he could imagine the women sitting on a bed, booze at their side, and gossiping about men while doing their hair to go nowhere at all.

“Hmmm,” Maura winked, “we’ll see how she has fared with those two.”

Fíli’s face grew serious.

“We should really get back,” he mumbled, “I wouldn’t put it past them to have chased her all the way home with their idiocies.”

That, he thought, or into hospital; he had been reprehensibly selfish, he should never have left a poor, unsuspecting woman alone with his brother and his cousin.

He was a computer programmer, not a nurse, Lexi tried to remind herself, but when Ori came back, cream in hand and sat down in the cold water without so much as a groan to take another look at her foot, all those reservations just drained out of her mind.

“All done,” he said after having checked for stingers, dried, and treated her foot, “I think it should be fine, but I can go get you something against the pain?”

“No,” Lexi smiled, “it’s better already. Thank you. So…Would you help me back into my room so I can get out of these wet things, please?”

Ori swallowed heavily but nodded.

“Mister,” Lexi laughed, “you wanted to whip out your cock in front of me! Don’t tell me you’re a prude now?”

“It was for first aid,” he mumbled miserably, but extended his hand to her and – when she tottered – he lifted her, still wrapped in her fluffy towel, back into his arms with a tiny sigh, “I would never do anything like that…I’m not a creep.”

“Oh, but I am still aching,” Lexi whispered into his ear and the low moan she earned for that had nothing to do with her weight or the physical effort of carrying her.

“I don’t really know what you mean…”

Lexi just rolled her eyes and – unable to withstand the constant temptation of his siren skin – she turned her head and pressed a careful kiss onto his cheek that flushed with heat almost instantly.

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying? I didn’t even realise that you were flirting!”

“Evidently,” Lexi laughed, “and I didn’t expect to do so, but…you’re just too cute not to…”

“Damn,” Ori exclaimed in a strangled voice, “Fí and your friend will roast me like a lū’au pig!”

So, this was the second part of this and - as you can see - there is room for a third and final part...if anyone would want to read that...

Please let me know!

@laurfilijames thank you for having my back on this one and motivating me ❤️ your support means everything ❤️

Ah yes, @fellowshipofthefics, this one theoretically qualifies as well :D

Lots of love to all of you from me <3

-> Part 3

[the-shadows-request-candy-corn]

Look at this man

He hurts everyone and everything he comes in contact with because he was psychologically conditioned, tortured, and had a 700-year old consciousness (who was also psychologically conditioned and tortured through dozens of previous incarnations) implanted into his brain. He runs away to a monastery in the middle of the ocean, just so he will never hurt anyone again

But then people come to the island and he has to do the one thing that he never wanted to do again, fight, in order to protect his brothers. When Azrael starts going too far, JP has to drown his thoughts out by thinking of horrible ways to die

Except he went through all of that for nothing, because once again, his mere being around other people has resulted in bloodshed. Because the woman who was seeking shelter at the monastery turns out to also have been conditioned and murdered all of the monks.

Speaking of the weird angel conditioning, all that the Azrael System can remember over 700 years is kill, die, kill, die.

Azrael has a break down and identity crisis after learning that he was created and manipulated by the very "saint" that he idolized

Leading to Jean-Paul Valley to get crushed at least twice by a giant spiked wheel, have to drag himself to the dying husk of yet another one of Saint Dumas' experiment/victims, and kill him in the saddest most pathetic way possible. Then, wet with blood and tears, with multiple broken bones and probably internal bleeding, he wails.

And then there's this:

Really, the special thing about Azrael and JPV is that they're two pathetic wet cats in one body. A two-for-one deal.

And this isn't even getting into what he went through his abuse as a child in "Saved by the Belle Reve", or his psychosis and crippling inferiority complex in Knightfall.

In conclusion, not only does everything he loves either die painfully, use him, and/or cast him aside, but instead of being a whiny sad drunk know-it-all who knows nothing to cope, he has no coping mechanism except to melt into a puddle. This man is sad when he's angry. He's punching someone in the face while crying. When he was Batman's replacement, it wasn't even because Bruce believed in him. Bruce knew that JP was inexperienced and unsure of himself. JPV/Azrael was chosen because BRUCE KNEW HIS FIRST CHOICE (NIGHTWING) DIDN'T WANT TO BE BATMAN, BUT WOULD FEEL TOO GUILTY TO SAY NO.

JPV/AZRAEL WAS THE SACRIFICIAL LAMB CHOSEN TO SUFFER IN DICK'S PLACE, AND HE WAS BROKEN UNDER THE CRUSHING WEIGHT OF THE MANTLE OF THE BAT BEFORE BRUCE WOULD EVEN ADMIT THAT THERE WAS ANYTHING WRONG