#the questions grow every day
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one of the mcytubers I follow has college aged kids and every day I think about them. Do they think their dad being a Minecraft YouTuber is cool? how do the feel about their college tuitions being payed via plushie sales? do they know there is erotic fanfiction about their real life father and his best friend? every day the questions grow.
#how fo they feel about the fact millions of people refer to two thirty year olds as their dads kids#how do they feel about those thirty year olds (who are also Minecraft YouTubers) calling their dad daddy. on like. a Regular basis#do they know? do they intentionally try to know as little as possible?#the questions grow every day#tbh i dont even follow this guy for Minecraft stuff. i like his phasmo streams. but its Way funnier to call him a Minecraft YouTuber.
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What can I say? They're my favorite.
#twdg#twdg clouis#clouis#twdg clementine#twdg louis#sometimes they creep back into my mind and i'm like 'ah yes' like a crow admiring a pretty stone they found years ago and kept#also thank you pi for the screenshots. i used to have a whole folder full of them but that was when i was doing themed nights#the source for these is me i just have a random document full of dynamics and ship things i enjoy because.....i dunno i like keeping track#and so many of them apply to clouis but there's also an overlap of with clouis and rose/alistair [my warden from origins and alistair] like#alistair's romance route is like an evolved matured and extended version of clouis sksksks gee i wonder if i have a type#look you present me with a character who deflects with humor and isn't taken seriously by the rest of the group and the longer you know the#the more you realize how high they've built a wall around themselves and how *unwell* they really are and how they're not as sunshine#as they present themselves and also they avoid leadership and responsibility until they grow closer with someone who pushes them#and they end stronger and more balanced as a person while finding the affection they've craved#and also there's the daddy issues#present me with that character as a romantic option and i'm in no questions asked okay i don't want the mean broody one that's meh to me#i want the one that has every reason to be broody but chooses not to be because they have a completely different defense mechanism#and a warped sense of themselves and self-esteem issues they leave unaddressed until forced to face them#i'm just saying i'm aware that i have a type i'm always going to gravitate toward clouis nearly checks all the boxes#also the lack of clouis these days? my crops are thirsty and i have too many ongoing projects to do anything about it other than this sksks#so until i make time to finish my long ass louis/clouis analysis this is the best i can provide for now
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what's the level of mental illness called where you start getting invested in winteriron in 2024
#like what am i doing is the question i guess#every day the 2012 avengers tower au in my mind and heart grow stronger and more beautiful.....................#LIKE THIS WAS OBVIOUSLY INEVITABLE given my whole situation but oh my god..............#doodling them during a meeting and sighing forlornly#kayvswords
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everyday i look at the hoyoverse fandom and go “wow… media literacy IS dead😃”
#nobu.nobu.chat#firefly isnt a waifubait simply bc the trailblazer showed up in her trailer for a second#she quite literally says one day i wish to live as firefly#she wants to be her own person she wants to be FIREFLY not SAM not GLAMOTHS IRON CAVALRY not STELLARON HUNTER#she wants to be FIREFLY and the first person to truly see her as that is us aka the trailblazer#the trailblazer is literally us a self insert it doesnt matter if its stelle or caelus its us the player#so its us who saw firefly as firefly and not as anyone else#topaz was looking at jade real funny#yeah wanna know why? bc shes being manipulated#why did u think numby hid behind topaz? bc pets can sense bad ppl#ppl are so quick to hate a character without seeing them first#jeez i wonder why… lets certainly hope it isnt bc jade is a villain and a well written one at that#and thats the main reason for villains to exist🙄#villains are there to be hated to be questioned to be against#especially when they are written well AKA jade in this case#not every villain/antagonist is supposed to have a sad sob backstory or to be relatable or to be simpable#theres a reason why we hated characters like gaston the evil stepmother when growing up#its bc they were written as a villain so well#and u can hate/dislike a character while enjoying the way the writers worked for it to be perceived such way
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o wait before i start posting any pics.. i was thinking that maybe.. you guys could help me liquify this gender some more by switching up what you call me.... DON'T GET ME WRONG I LOVE . LOVE LOVE LOVE WHEN YOU USE HE/HIM AND JUST OVERALL LIKE MORE MASC STUFF THAT'S SOOO MMMMMMMMMSO FUCKING GOOD like i don't get to feel that irl at all so it really does make me so happy but i've just been thinking abt TRYING to switch it up more yk? does this even make sense...... . hhhh anyway i might won't even like it and i'll want to just go back to hehim but i wanna try... JUST TO SWITCH IT UP.
#i think the only term that is incredibly questionable is “queen” lmao#idk i have some personal beef with that one#MAN I REALLY MIGHT JUST DELETE THIS IN LIKE FIVE MINUTES#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#WHY DON'T I KNOW WHAT I WANT#i'm not asking you to fully drop the he him but just maybe.. use she her every once in a while..#I'M GONNA EXPLODE WHY IS THIS THE WEIRDEST POST EVER TO MAKE WHAT IS GENDER CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME#btw if anybody happens to be wondering why i don't just use they/them#iii just don't feel anything towards those#personally#like they don't make me feel like anything while he him and she her are more like yes:3333#does.. does that even make sense#oh my god#there are question marks flying around my head#i read this fic the other day#which is in my drafts i need to add tags to it#but the op just.. like made my brain grow two sizes#bc they made the reader genderfluid and then proceeded to use both “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” throughout the fic and i just#HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#how do i .. get that#asghdhsaghdasghdshagdhgas#GUYS LOOK I'M GONNA SPIRAL I'M JUST GONNA HIT POST#ENOUGH#mayor of loserville#mickey vs gender#10 - 17#I'M LOSING AGAIN OHHH FUCK OFF
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hrrr I Saw the TV Glow is still rolling around in the back of my mind. it's hitting me somewhat belatedly that what seemingly starts as mainly an identity story turns out - toward the final act - to also be a love story. two queer kids finding each other (again). the bond they forge (have always had). the feelings that start to grow (were always there) despite the lie they're living. one trying to save the other, and failing. the frail hope at the end that maybe what they had mattered after all, even if they never see each other again. maybe because they knew each other, someday things will be better.
idk. so much of the story feels so lonely. they're awkward with each other at first and they don't really "get" each other and they're absent from each other's lives for long periods and they don't have anyone else. but it's all a lie - they were best friends, they knew each other better than anyone, they are who they are because they knew each other, they were not alone. no matter how bleak the setting is, this fake world can't obscure the truth. they'll never forget each other. it will always have happened, it will always have mattered.
it's so hard to put into words but Owen/Isabel and Maddy/Tara make me so crazy, the way everything in the world works to drive them apart and yet not even losing their memories can destroy the connection between them. and it's not enough to prevent the world from tearing them apart but maybe it's enough to save their lives
queer love portrayed not as supernaturally resilient or invincible (god knows it isn't), but as a precious fragile thing that can and will grow back over and over in some form no matter what ...
#deerchatter#i saw the tv glow#i saw the tv glow spoilers#to be 100% clear i definitely believe they were specifically IN love on top of also being best friends. and the distinction is important#owen growing feelings for maddy is implicitly tied to her beginning to find herself as a trans lesbian#maddy growing feelings for owen is implicitly tied to her remembering their true lives as isabel and tara#it's so subtle because there's no space for that love in the midnight realm. and yet it grows back against all odds#there's very interesting potential for an isttg/rgu contrast-comparison analysis right down to the coffin/grave symbolism#the main duo's love being suppressed by a reality that can't bear it or contain it. the way it resurrects as self-love/renewed determinatio#if we're getting really crazy there are also parallels between maddy coming back for owen and certain interpretations of AoU#but while utena and anthy are implied to find each other in every incarnation owen and maddy's fate is a lot more open-ended#owen says she never saw maddy again but the truthfulness of the narrated parts of the story are highly questionable so ???#augh. so many thoughts.#sorry if some of this seems completely off i only watched it once late at night. gonna rewatch in the upcoming days
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I certainly have my own concerns about the treatment of moo deng but um. well i think some of you may just be racist
#this ^ isn't directed at any post in particular but instead a lot of comments ive seen. but now im gonna talk about other posts down here#and prefacing anything i put in the tags here with DONT TAKE MY WORD FOR IT DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH#but the biggest post ive seen going around rn about moo deng being mistreated and the general quality of khao kheow zoo is questionable#claims that the enclosure is mostly concrete seem to be false from all the sources i can find#the concrete section looks like its specifically around the feeding area which fits zoo care guidelines which specify that the feeding area#be a surface that can be easily cleaned separate from the substrate and is a surface present in other zoos#the lack of deep water also seems to be purposeful? older videos of the same enclosure show deeper water areas#and looking back through the news every baby pygmy hippo announcement from every zoo i could find mentioned periods where the baby had to#learn to swim and was slowly introduced from shallow water to deeper water as time passed#this was also corroborated by fowlers zoo and wild animal medicine volume 8 which suggests keeping the mother dry and then slowly#introducing water as the baby grows as a potential best practice#damn im treating this like a paper now. anyway the negatives#there are absolutely things that strike me as bad eg. public access to the hippos and the way the keeper interacts with them#for the keeper stuff in particular i'd really like to see input from someone who has experience as a zookeeper with pygmy hippos#the public access is something that i def think the zoo could improve on and even older footage from years ago shows people sticking like#selfie sticks and shit off the side of the railings and right into the hippos faces#however again the zoo seems to be making efforts to curb visitor behavior which is tough when you go from having 800 visitors a day to#4000+ and you can't remodel the whole exhibit right then and there#all this to say! just do your own research and take somewhat inflammatory comments on the internet with a grain of salt#also just to make it clear im not making any sweeping statements on khao kheow or the treatment of moo deng im just summarizing what i foun#based on what's being said in the most popular post on the subject ive seen.#for the potential like three people who will read all this hi :) hope ur having a nice day
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I realized I had forgotten to swatch for the button hole before starting the second sleeve. And an Hour later I have a swatch with 8 button holes before I got happy with how they look. The pattern basically says "make buttonhole" and I'm not experienced enough with garment knitting to go on just that.
I did manage to confirm that despite sizing up my yarn, I'm still going to need 1 inch/25mm buttons. I don't currently have 6 matching 25mm buttons that would look good with this yarn, so decisions have to be made. And unfortunately my brain has decided the best possible button would be a rose gold coloured shank back(?) button preferably that looks like an actual flower. Which, good luck to me for finding that relatively affordably.
I think I'm just going to knit the cardigan and decide once it's all sewn up. If it fits well and I think I'll wear it, I'll spend the money to get Nice buttons.
#swatching the button holes only took an hour of testing and writing and googling tutorials for things#but looking at buttons on ebay/etsy/random craft stores... that was three hours#i had fun tho tbh i love shopping :)#there IS novel reasons for the Ideal Buttons!!!#theres no actual description of buttons or anything. but still Novel Reasons#the Guy who Knit the Cardigan is representing by gold. like his hairs and eyes are described as golden regularly#i think its actually like a pale gold? but i think rose gold with the pinkish would look better with this pink#(i don't actually own anything rose gold i plan on taking a swatch with me to Somewhere with Rose gold to see them together)#also this is a designer pattern. the buttons deserve a bit of Class. i found some chanel buttons that would be great if i give up on flower#another thing about the Guy who Knits is that he like. CONSTANTLY is bringing the protag flowers. somehow not bl btw#off the top of my head i'm 100% sure he brings him carnations and i'm prettyyyyy sure roses?#sadly there's no canon colour on the carnations. the list of questions i have for the author grows every day#but the flower buttons Speak to me. maybe if i go for more simple buttons i can get a carnation applique or something#also i really really hope that i can read my own handwriting in the (v optimistic) two months it'll be before i knit the button bands
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tease tidbit tuesday <3
i was tagged by @callmenewbie, @wildlife4life, @try-set-me-on-fire, @disasterbuckdiaz, @rogerzsteven, @hippolotamus, @giddyupbuck, @ladydorian05, @daffi-990, @jesuisici33, @loserdiaz, and @wikiangela mwah 🫶🏼
have a long tease from hoa eddie, where eddie's grossly in love with buck's big tits and honestly i can't blame him
Eddie sighs, turns around, and nearly runs right into Buck’s big, naked, hairy chest. “Eddie—” “Where’s your shirt?” Buck blinks. “I was mowing the yard and I got hot,” he replies, shrugging sheepishly. He wants to bitch at Buck for mowing the yard, for taking his shirt off and getting grass all over himself, for inadvertently causing a scene because his big fat bleeding heart always seems to get him in trouble, but it’s Buck, sweet and stubborn and soft Buck, and he’s standing in front of Eddie, bare-chested and sweaty and a little breathless with blue eyes so large and wide and childlike, expecting Eddie to be upset when he’s not, not in the slightest, and all Eddie can do is smile and undo the snaps on his button down when he realizes Buck’s shivering, cold and clammy now that the sun has set. He has another shirt beneath, anyway. “Grass is worse than sand, Buck,” he says, handing his shirt over. “Put this on. You’ll want to shower as soon as you can, so just stay the night again. I’ve got a load of your clothes in the dyer.” Buck does as he’s told, pulling on the button down. It’s a size too small, dragging across his broad shoulders and barreled chest; the buttons stretch open over his torso, giving Eddie a peak of the curly hair between his tits, and his nipples are hard, tiny nubs beneath the fabric that draw Eddie’s attention, and he licks his lips. He’s seen Buck shirtless a hundred times before, sure, but he never realized how huge Buck’s tits really were until now, so big beneath his shirt they stick out like actual boobs. He wonders how heavy they’d feel in his hands, if Buck would make pretty sounds when he squeezed the fat or pinched his nipples till they’re red and swollen. Huh. That’s new.
gonna no pressure tag @honestlydarkprincess, @eddiediaztho, @eddiebabygirldiaz, @eowon, @watchyourbuck, @exhuastedpigeon, @thewolvesof1998, @shitouttabuck, @housewifebuck, and whoever else mwah mwah
#eddie's losing his mind because on one hand buck looks so good with his shirt off#and on another hand bUCKS SHIRT IS OFF WHEN HE'S MOWING? GOD#and growing up in texas eddie knows#he knows okay#that grass is worse than sand#he's spent many a day hauling hay and by god he had days of picking grass out of every crevice of his body and he knows buck's#gonna bitch about it for a week at least#but god. buck's tits. buck's tits? when did they get so big. when did they get so hairy. and his NIPPLES. that's eddie's favorite color#they match the color of his birthmark so of course they have to match the color of his cock too right#right?#that's how science works right?#eddie passed science with a b- but hey he remembers the scientific method#ask questions and hypothesize and then test it out right#it's okay he doesn't mind to redo the experiment#anyway i finished chapter 2 FINALLY and am gonna start on chapter 3 today after a lil snack break teehee#tag games
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From season 3 episode 10 Revelations Chapter Two Live Blog
that's so fucking real, yeah & I'm glad Jim is finally fucking listening
That is an interesting insight into the potential laws of physics or I guess thermodynamics in Fromville.
OKAY SO SOMETHING SIGNIFICANT HAPPENED AT THAT TRUCK IN THE PAST. MAYBE CHILD KIDNAPPINGS? IDK
YA GOT CAUGHT. lmao
Ellis probably wants to scream at this little boy, I get it, but oof this whole situation fucking sucks.
Well, that's unsettling to hear you say that so confidently. Not beating the you-know-where-she-is allegations that's for sure!
YEAH ACTUALLY, THAT SOUNDS PRETTY CRAZY! Once again, unsettling to hear you say that so confidently!
My brain: "Hey Shadow, it's me, the devil, like in the Bible!" /reference
Boyd, I think this collective influence hollow ghost waterlogged lady thing isn't gonna let him.
OH MY GODS, WAIT, WHAT IF THE VOICES WERE TALKING ABOUT THE LITTLE BOY IN WHITE? I'm probably super late to figuring this out.
Not if the chest burster from Alien or Predator or whatever it's called has anything to say about it.
Elgin, that also sounds absolutely not within the realm of possibility! Especially not with at least 2 more seasons planned (idk if greenlit or not though).
YEAH, LIKE I WAS SAYING, UNDERSTANDABLE REACTION! Poor Elgin though, he's hardly in his right mind. Fromville's got it's grips on his psyche right now.
DONNA ME TOO THE FUCK, HOLY FUCKING SHIT. THIS WENT FROM 100 TO 500 REAL QUICK!!!
Even Ellis is having some second thoughts here it looks like at least to me.
Oh shit and with that I'm hitting 29 images already. Better make the 30th one count I guess. (okay took out a few images actually I'll try to be more sparing with them)
What is Victor gonna show him that's gonna make him angry?? I'm so confused.
Buddy, that's your papa, I don't think he could hate you.
KHATRI'S ACTOR IS SO FUCKING COOL EVERY TIME. lmao
Ghost Khatri or whatever is making itself look like him kinda has a point.
Khatri's making some good points, but is it him or a mimicry? Kinda interesting to think about especially given Jade's earlier words.
FATIMA OH GODS THIS IS GONNA BE HARD TO WATCH ISN'T IT.
LMAOOOO OH NO POOR JADE xD that is the look of a man who is about to lose his shit on some ghost kids HAHAHAH I'm fucking screaming "something more to say than fucking 'anghkooey'" got me fucking cackling audibly
HOLY SHIT IT'S LIKE THE CICADAS ARE LAUGHING AT HIM WTF OR IS THAT JUST HOW THEY SOUND USUALLY?
OH BUDDY DON'T.... DON'T DO IT...
Even Ellis is trying to stop him. oh Boyd....
"Now I need to do what I need to do." OH FUCKKKKKK THAT LINE GOES HARD!!
Thank you Henry for being here for your boy even though it's a super traumatic moment. :(((
HOLY SHIT MUSIC LANGUAGE!?!? I was just listening to a Homestuck video about that! 🤯
Elgin, you aren't making a great case for yourself right now. Boyd, I don't even know at this point man idk.
Okay, but why "can't" he though? Is he literally physically unable to? Or will ghost lady fucking kill him if he does? I mean Boyd is about to if she doesn't so idk maybe just tell him.
OH GODS THIS IS HARD TO WATCH FUCKKKKKKK
HOLY SHIT WHAT IF QUE SERA SERA IS THE FUCKING SONG THAT'S BEING DECODED? IT'S THE FUCKING OPENING SONG I BET.
Tabitha, you're a fucking genius.
A STORYWALKER?????? Someone who visits chapters of the story that already happened huh... wait will this have a butterfly effect on things?
WAIT YEAH THE FUCKING ROPE, SO IT DID HAVE AN EFFECT..... WAIT HOLY FUCK SO.... HOW MANY WEIRD THINGS HAVE BEEN PEOPLE TIME TRAVELING??
'No one can change a story once it's been told." Okay so explain the rope thing then?? Time loops theory??? idk
Sara.... what are you doing hun? What's uhhhh what's going on? Oh gods is she gonna continue where Boyd left off?
OH SARA HONEY NOOOO OH GODDDDDSSS OH NOOO DON'T PLEASE DON'T BUT IDK SHITTT THIS WHOLE THING SUCKS
oh god SARA NO SARA NO SARA NOOOO YOU WERE DOING SO GOOD
HOLY FUCK SO HE COULD ACTUALLY TELL THEM, BUT OH NO SARA :(((((( OH GIRLIE.....
MUSIC TIME BABEY LET'S DO THIS TIME TRAVEL SPACE TRAVEL OR SPACE TIME TRAVEL SHIT LETS MEET SOME GHOST KIDS IDFK
Okay anyone know what song Jade is playing like actually? Or was it commissioned for the show? Man looks damn good playing that violin though! 🔥
WHAT THE FUCK WHAT'S COMING OUT OF THAT TRAP DOOR WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
YEAH OKAY JUST GONNA PUT A SENSITIVE CONTENT WARNING ON THE POST MAYBE, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THAT?
"I'll be right behind you, okay?" Famous last words...😬
wait..... these stairs look like Tabitha's light house dream!
Well, you've summoned them with their song! 👀 The unofficial captions call it "Jade's melody."
WHAT IS THAT LIGHT????
THE THINGS THAT CAME OUT AT NIGHT SACRIFICED THEIR CHILDREN??? OH FUCK.... SO WAIT..... OH SHIT... OH NO IS FATIMA BECOMING ONE BY FROMVILLE'S HAND? OH SHIT OH NO OH FUCK PLEASE NO
Fromville's entity promised those former people they would live forever if they sacrificed their kids to it? Monkey's paw type of deal to make I guess given what it turns them into. 👀
The gang's all here! /reference
Oh gods please don't let Fatima become one.... oh no oh fuck.... oh god if she does there goes multiple main characters too... oh shit oh fuck im nervous.
THIS BABY IS THE SIZE OF A GROWN ASS ADULT WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IS HAPPENING?!?!
OH NOOOOO THEY FUCKING BROUGHT BACK JERMA!!! 😭 Why is the fucking happy smiler back?? Stay dead!!!
ANGHKOOEY MEANS "REMEMBER" OMG
DID THEY JUST INHERIT THE MEMORIES OF THE FROMVILLE MONSTERS PRE-MONSTERFICATION???
Jim be less aggressive, but I'm right there with you, I'm also confused as shit. Did she make multiple bracelets to cope with the loss of Thomas? What's Jade's deal then???
"The reason I felt what Miranda felt is because I was Miranda." IM SORRY????? EXCUSE ME!?!?!? Like as in reincarnation?? Wait then who was Jade?? Was he Christopher??
HE WAS OH MY GODS WHAT THE FUCK
WAIT THAT'S NOT OUR JULIE!!! HER HAIR IS SHORTER!!!!! WOAH OK OKAY SO TIME TRAVEL REAL THEN TIME TRAVEL SUPER FUCKING REAL
MGM OR EPIX OR WHOEVER THE FUCK YOU BETTER GIVE US THOSE 2 MORE SEASONS BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK IS THIS AND WHY IS HE OUT DURING THE DAY!?!?!
Well, RIP Jade and Jim probably. Right as Jim became a likeable character too smh. 😔✌
THIS IS THE FUCKING PHONE GUY!?!??! "Man in the Yellow Suit" oh yes very fucking specific, thanks.
Never thought I'd be calling a 2nd character phone guy, TWO NICKELS!!
"Well, RIP Jade and Jim probably. Right as Jim became a likeable character too smh. 😔✌" I WAS JOKING I WAS JUST MAKING A WITTY REMARK OR WHATEVER 😭😭
ALSO THE LIGHT HOUSE DREAM HAVING THE CHILDREN'S VOICES MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW BECAUSE THOSE SAME STAIRS LED TO THE MONSTER BIRTH SCENE & THAT'S INVOLVED WITH CHILD SACRIFICES
#rapidly growing happy smiler caught me off guard I'm not gonna; guess Boyd has himself a monster grandson /j#also who the hell is the man in the yellow suit some kind of day walker maybe?#who is the hollow woman or hollow girl i keep calling her waterlogged ghost lady guess she's the creator of these things?#ngl it's satisfying to end a season with more answers than questions for a change; feels like things are ramping up#I can't believe Sara did that to Elgin like holy crap#so many things are making a whole lot of sense now Im surprised at Tabitha and Jade being reincarnations#wonder who else is a reincarnation of another person?? or is that how this place restocks on it's humans? idk but tabitha x jade real kinda#jadetabitha ancestry canon ship I guess; doomed to lose a child in every timeline or something idk#Acosta is about to learn a whole bunch of stuff she doesn't wanna know and Sara and Boyd are in the hot seat now :(( ah shit#also time traveler storywalker Julie is canon now so that's pretty cool; I guess future or past her tried to change Jim from dying but RIP#I wonder if the law of thermodynamics about souls and energy that jade herrera was talking about applies outside of Fromville too?#from epix#from tv series#from season 3 spoilers#from show#from mgm#mine#op#from live blog#from series#cw blood#cw gore#cw body horror
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Do you guys think I could sell a pair of patched handspun handknit wool socks to a museum as folk art if I prettied em up a little
#genuine question#i think i might be able to get away with it#also these ones grow a new hole or two every time i wear them so i wouldnt be giving up much#hm...#could embroider a few things patch up the holes and call it a day#the form doesnt open for a month anyway tbf
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Bought one of my lil nephew giannis shoes for his birthday bcs he loves giannis and these are some of the ugliest fucking things I have ever laid my eyes on in my life. anyways it's his bday today so i gave them to him. but they are so ugly. he loves them
#i am not a sneakerhead#i wish i could be . finacially i can be. but mentally i cannot#i am not a car guy either. i could. but i cant mentally#bcs the only time id get smthing pretty is to look at it. and keep it safe#and then id want to km$ for not using smthing thats intended to be used bcs i hate wasted potential#once i got these rlly nice shoes#ive worn them once when i was trying them on#and i hate myself every day for doing that but also i just cant get them dirty#BUT I HATE THAT#some ppl can do that. they get a million things and only use it once and yea i COULD but psychologically i just CANT#im friends with a lot of sneakerheads and chain wearers and while i cant mentally make myself one#i can understand why they can#like ppl always wanna excuse not helping ppl by pointing at the stuff they already have#like oh u can buy urself a chain but cant buy ur momma and u a nicer place to live#like ok so credit scores are not existent then. especially when ppl use that phrase against ppl growing into crime like#yes they are making money now but is it good clean money? no. thats not gonna go into smthing long term n hefty like a house#chains are a rlly big thing bcs sometimes some jewelers just dont ask questions. hence bmf's jeweler getting roped into their crime schemes#any business can be like that btw. like michael jacksons doctor getting paid to kill him. the difficulty lvl just changes#and also. random ppl make fun of the stuff they can see or hear right in front of them#random ppl can and will make u feel bad abt any little thing they know or see the best bcs theyre assholes like that#u wear shoes all the time everywhere. thats more and more eyes noticing how old/dirty ur shoes are#or ur cars old n busted or ur phones a fucking android like it doesnt matter. the more ppl can see. the more theyll know#the more sensitive u get abt whats actually small to u at the start but big 2 them n then it gets big 2 u#anyways yea so like. i get it. i dont do it but i can see why others do#anyways yea these shoes are so ugly lol like i dont buy merch of my favs unless the style matches mine personally#he just liked them bcs they were giannis tbh n then i pointed out they were modeled after 1 of the jerseys#which made he rlly want them a while back so i surprised him today#but yea these things are ugly lol im glad he likes them but ew LMFAO
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i am very grateful that im not someone that has to deal with daily seizures but it is evil when it takes like a week and a half's worth of business days to recover from a seizure
#if i had them everyday or every other day i would be so fucked 😭#id like to say they dont bother me per se but the entire week after is laying in bed after 11 pm and wondering if jts going to happen again#bc my head feels like its about to explode#and then do not get me started on the fear of getting in the shower within the first few days of one happening .#reasonably i understand that my seizures happen from 11pm to maybe 3 am on average .#but ill have a seizure and then have to hype myself up for like 2 hours just to take one 3 days later st like 2 pm#my seizures do not interfere with my day to day life in extreme ways but existing knowing that i have them during a certain time frame is#like. Hey man can you grow up#also it is really funny being told theyre probably hormonal or stress related and should 'probably stop' as i get into my mid 20s .#Well im turning 25 next month and evidently i still have seizure activity in me#also also heres a fun fact: my epilepsy does not have an actual named diagnosis they just said i certainly have a Form of it ❤️#they dont know what causes them and i have no real warning signs (bc a headache =/= potential seizure)#they dont bother me but i do have to live with the knowledge that i could have one any day now and wake up to my mom asking me questions#hope everyone can tell i have a lot of feelings about my epilepsy despite not talking about it like ever ❤️#the only thing that really bothers me is the no warning signs. ive been perfectly fine and had them. ive had massive migraines when i was#unmedicated and didnt have one. very bizarre#and ofc all my brain scans come back normal all the time so they dgaf Lol
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ahhhhhhhh guess who made the mistake of getting a haircut
#i was planning on growing it out for real i swear#but then the back of my hair got to that length (like it always does) where it starts touching the back of my neck wrong and i cant stand it#so i figured I'd juuuuuust get a trim maybe only the back so it wouldn't keep bugging me#and it started off pretty good too she was doing well with everything and i liked the way it looked#then she asked me a question with two options. and i answered the question. and she repeated my answer. good enough right?#well i think she maaaay have forgotten my answer in the span of like 2 seconds bc she started cutting SUPER short suddenly#and now my perm is completely gone lol#i think she's used to going a bit shorter so it looks good in like a week when it's grown out a bit#and you don't have to go back for a haircut every 2 weeks#but like. i would rather not hate my reflection (more than usual) for a week or two while it grows out yknow#eurghhhh it's not that bad tbh ive had haircuts where i wanted to kill myself and this is just 'hmm maybe i should wear a hat for a week'#but still. very annoying. and especially so bc i was actually feeling optimistic with where we were going at the start#anyway there's this weird phenomenon that keeps happening where I accidentally get my hair cut too short#then i decide this is going to be the time i finally grow my hair out for real#and after a while the back reaches that length where it starts bothering me again#and ill get a haircut juuust for a trim#then i somehow end up with a bowlcut#it's an emo bowlcut to be clear. so im not super hung up about it bc i still love that haircut for reasons i cannot comprehend#but everybody else seems to go 'ew a bowlcut why' except for the alt queers who go 'omg gender'#which i consider to be one of the biggest compliments i could ever get. and have gotten. seriously that moment will never leave my mind#like having someone that you consider Gender to look at you and say *you're* very gender? my crops have been watered my cattle have been fed#etc etc. anyway this currently has the shape of a bowl cut but it's too short esp on top#so im back in my 'okay im gonna grow it our FOR REAL this time' phase again. as it goes. like fucking sisyphus.#anyway. im gonna be tearing it up in the pit at origami angel tomorrow so if anybody's also going feel free to join me there#just gotta let off some steam. goddammit i knew i should have gone the queer route and just done it myself. in my defense i still had a perm#and i didn't trust myself to cut curly hair. turns out i shouldn't have trusted the barber either bc she just held it straight out#and chopped right across. and soon the curls were gone and everything was straight. ...that sounds like a metaphor for conversion therapy#'yeah just head into that place by the time you leave you'll be straight'#anyway. sorry for the waterfall of tags if ur still here kudos to you and may you have a wonderful day#mine
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Everyone always seems more willing to talk and exist when I'm not around. The sleep deprivation makes me want to believe this means I'm a smothering presence rather than considering maybe everyone just finally had more free time. If the bad thoughts are right though, I guess I have no qualms against disappearing since youtube exists for entertainment.
#vent post#personal post#ig- idk - im not really sad just bored#neverending cycle of always trying to find new groups bc i seem to grow apart from people#what if im not really a person? Scary to think. Do i have a personality? I thought i did. I miss people.#its so tempting to go back into a bad relationship because at least i knew they'd always be there every day#I'm such a lifeless loser#what value do i even have now that i cut them out of my life? I hope they're having a happier life#no one else wants me. No one cares to really have me around. I dont know how to connect with people other than be honest abt my praises#I dont know anyone. Not really. And i cant seem to find out how to do that. Too many questions is weird but no questions makes strangers#is this depression or just realizing maybe im just some mindless changeling. A copycat. I'll never know love#I will never be enough i think. Not in person or online. Theres nothing useful about me. Nothing to want.#not lookin for pity or anything just rambling bc i dont actually have anyone i can talk to lol-#not gonna add this to my main tag bc I'd rather not have it become part of my image#i enjoy being a temporary joy to people- i just wish i could be better so i could know people better#theres a wall between me and the people i love and i cant find the door. I dont know why
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#psyching myself up to try and watch the new series of heartstopper#I don't make a lot of personal posts these days and it feels easier to talk about this in the tags for some reason now - like I'm whisperin#but series 2 absolutely wrecked me in a way that is not entirely healthy#isaac's storyline is just a bit too close to home for me and I became a bawling mess every single time he was on screen#and not in a cathartic way. in a like I am dredging up the trauma of growing up aroace without having fully come to terms with it yet way.#I've come such a long way with slowly starting to feel pride in being aroace even in just the last few months#that I wondered if I'd actually be fine with it this time. I even considered rewatching s2 in preparation. turns out I'm not fine.#I watched a recap of s2 to try and remember what happened and uhhhh that clip of isaac rejecting that love interest in the bookshop#(with the novel loveless blurry in the background) has already brought up emotions.#then I thought I'd scroll some spoilers in his character tag just to prepare myself for what would happen with him this season#and just reading posts (mild spoilers here) about him being proudly aroace have sent me into paroxysms of sobbing yet again so....#I've honestly come such a long way in the last few years and the last few months. I'm even talking about it on tumblr now.#but I guess most of my work on that front has been accepting the present and the future of not having or wanting a partner.#whereas there's still a lifetime of trauma from the way it made me feel in the past#both growing up feeling alienated and having no idea what was different about me and the extent to which I tried to make it not be true#for years after first having an inkling of it being a possibility. I would have done anything to make myself alloromantic.#(the realisation of asexuality came later and was more of a 'huh I guess that makes sense' thing lol)#and even though I no longer want to change this fact about who I am#I guess I'm more traumatised by it all than I consciously realised. genuinely thought I'd be fine at this point.#anyway ramble over. I'm actually not sure if I should watch the new season or not. will it be helpful to work through the emotions?#or just re-traumatise me? felt more like the latter last time so hmmm.#guess I'm going to have to think about it.#it feels ridiculous that such a fluffy show - in which the character in question is pretty minor - should provoke such a reaction#but there you go#mine#tag chat#personal
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