#the power of hyperfixation am i right

[cathymee]

OKAY why is ang huling el bimbo THE song. like it's THE song. of all time.

[poltergeist-coffee]

has anyone made a loz / legends of zelda au with qsmp yet? if there is please share with me bc i would love to check it out but i was just thinking and i think if i made one i'd have chayanne as link + lullah as zelda

[lovelettersfrommai]

What Shadows Whisper

Summary: The three times you were there for Bob after a nightmare…and the one time he was there for you. 

Pairing: Robert “Bob” Reynolds x fem! Reader 

A/N: There needs to be more Bob content on this app. I need it BAD. Good grief. Reader is a witch with chaos powers (purple). If you’ve been reading Marvel fan fic for a long time, you probably get that joke. This is the longest fic I’ve written! Which is exciting, at least to me! I also got a request somewhat similar to this (and I actually wrote this BEFORE I got the request. Me and y'all are in sync for real.)

Word Count: 2.5k

Disclaimers: I do not own the rights to anything Marvel related, I am merely a nerd who hyperfixates a lot.

Warnings !: Nightmares, mentions of Bob’s drug usage, sleep paralysis, physical violence, slowwwwwwwww burn. 

When renovations finally finished on the Avengers tower, the building still had a sense of eeriness to it. Maybe it was the fact that you had been here before, years ago, when the original team was still around. You swore if you listened well enough, you could still hear the sounds of your friends, the people you once considered a team. Maybe even a family. 

Little did you know, you were not the only one haunted by the tower’s quiet halls. It had been a long day of moving things in, and despite being physically (and mentally) exhausted, you just couldn’t bring yourself to fall asleep. It was all so familiar, and yet it had none of the comfort nor familiarity that the compound had. 

You quietly walked over to the kitchen from your bedroom, making yourself a cup of herbal tea in hopes of feeling a sense of peace in the quiet night. You go through the motions, grabbing a mug and turning the electric kettle on, resting your chin in the palm of your hand, leaning against the counter top as the water boils. That’s when you heard it; the sound of whimpers, barely noticeable over the rumbling of the boiling water. At first you ignored it, but they progressively grew louder and deeper, like sobs. 

Once in the hallway, you can pin down exactly which room it’s coming from; Bob’s. Tentatively, you open the door. He’s thrashing around in bed, trapped in an unpleasant dream. You cross the room to gently put a hand on his head, the familiar thrums of something reckless and wild, something you are all too familiar with. 

Gently, you squeeze his shoulder, to try and get him out of his head. “Bob?” You whisper, eyes roaming over his face to see if it’s working. For a split second, you see his eyes rolling under his eyelids rapidly. You decide to shake him, your voice getting a little bit louder as you try to wake him from his nightmare. 

“Bob!” Your tone is a tad firmer, but it seems to do the trick as his eyes immediately shoot open, hands coming up to grab your throat. 

You heave and gasp, before using your powers to stop him, the lavender haze surrounding your hands to take him off you. As you regain your breath, you cough a bit, throat aching with the pure force that he put onto you. This seems to break Bob from his trance, as his eyes immediately soften. 

“I-I am so sorry! I didn’t- I was having a-” You shake your head. He shuts up immediately, expecting for you to chew him out the way he’s seen you do to Walker and Alexei a couple of times. He looks down at the floor, ready to be admonished like a child, but instead you speak quietly.

“Want some tea?” Your voice is a little bit gravelly from the pressure that had just been applied there, but you clear your throat and it already sounds better. Bob opens his mouth, then closes it, opting to nod wordlessly. You nod towards the door, and together, the both of you walk to the kitchen just in time for the kettle to finish boiling. You take it off of its power base and grab another mug from the cabinet, pouring you each a cup. 

The both of you sit in silence as you sip the tea. It’s not tense, nor is it particularly warm, but it is a truce, one of stability and comfort to end what was a long day. 

~ 

Bob isn’t really sure how to handle nightmares. In the night, the void infects his brain with horrific imagery, when nobody is around to help him. He tosses and turns, trying to find some rest but is only greeted by his mind playing his worst memories, reminding him of all his present anxieties and all the terrible things he’s done to the people who’ve only ever shown him kindness on some sort of sick and twisted loop. 

When he finally decides to give up on sleeping, he climbs out of bed, his pajamas sticking to his skin just like the guilt he feels for his useless existence. He doesn’t expect anyone to be awake, you all train early in the morning and go to sleep early in the night, but once he walks down the hallway, he’s surprised to see you. 

You’re curled up with a book, sitting cross legged on the couch, a blanket tossed over your lap. Before he can even consider going back to his room to wallow in self pity, you sense his presence immediately, head flicking up to make eye contact from across the room.

“You’re up.” You say simply. It’s a blatant observation.

“I- uh. Yeah. I am…” He blunders. Something about your presence is both comforting and terrifying. Maybe it’s because he’s seen you control other people with the flick of your hand, as if they were puppets on a string. But seeing you here, now, uninhibited by having to fight for your life and save the world, simply reading a book on the couch? It’s jarring. It reminds him that you, like him, are just human. 

“Had a bad dream, so…” You nod in understanding, closing the book and placing it on the coffee table. 

“Do you want to be alone, or..?” Bob shakes his head. 

“No. Stay.” He says before he can even think through his words. If you notice how much he tenses at the thought of being alone, you don’t mention it, simply beckoning him to sit on the couch beside you. He obliges, the space between you both feeling treacherous, fidgeting with his hands.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” You ask gently. You’ve never been one to push, he thinks to himself. 

“It’s nothing you haven’t already heard before.” He looks down at his hands. Your face twists slightly as you stare at him, then you get up, grabbing the tv remote from its place on the stand.

“Then a distraction would probably be better, huh?” You turn on the tv, flipping through the channels until you eventually settle on some random nature documentary about birds in the rainforest. Not very engaging, but it’s steady. Quiet. Soothing. You move a bit closer, tossing the blanket over his lap as well as your own. He feels his spine slowly decompress and he melts into the couch already feeling incredibly more at ease with you beside him.

The documentary is enough to lull his hyperactive mind into a state of rest. As he drifts off, his body starts to slouch, his head coming down to rest on your shoulder. You freeze at first, unsure of what to do or if you should move him, but ultimately you do nothing. You stay. His presence is warm, despite the void that you know is in him. 

The next morning, Yelena is up first. She runs her hands through her blonde locks and then she stops, stumbling upon the sight of you and Bob on the couch. The tv is still on and playing some different documentary. The blanket you both are sharing has begun to slip off your laps. She tilts her head at the sight, her eyes filling with something fond before turning off the tv and leaving you two alone.

~

By the time you hit the two month mark of living in the tower, the two of you have established a routine for handling Bob’s nightmares. You’re an insomniac, he’s learned, so it’s always highly likely that you’re awake when he is awoken in the middle of the night. Depending on how bad the dream is, your guys’ routine changes; tea when he can’t really remember it, watching tv or reading him a book if he needs a distraction. He also gets special permission to go into your room. 

The nightmare wasn’t as bad today, but Bob couldn’t help but feel pissed off. He was tired, and yet every time he tried to sleep the void came back to him. He begrudgingly walks across the hallway to your room, knocking gently before walking in. 

Surprisingly, you are actually trying to sleep. You're tucked under the blankets and your head is facing the opposite wall of the door. He almost leaves when he notices, not wanting to bother you, but you turn your head and offer him a sleepy smile. His heart stutters in his chest and he finds himself walking over, just by looking at you.

“Come.” You lift up your duvet and scoot over a little, offering him solace in the warmth of your own bed. He blinks, hesitant, but eventually gives in, climbing into bed with an awkward grace that is unmistakably his. The two of you lay in silence for a little, your body angled facing him, before Bob speaks up.

“I’m so tired…” Despite your own exhaustion, you recognize the desperation in his tone. 

“…I could help you.” 

“How?”

You bring your hands up in between both of your heads, the purple haze surrounding your hands once again. 

“I can make you go to sleep? If that’s okay?” Bob hesitates. The idea of you being in his mind, willingly, fills his stomach with butterflies. You’ve already seen the void, and you’re still here. He trusts you more than he’d like to admit. With the nod of approval, your hands hover over his head. You close your eyes. 

Bob watches as the familiar lavender color drifts from your fingertips and surrounds his mind. At first, his hands instinctively grab at the sheets. He anticipates pain, but instead is greeted with the feeling of your hands, gentle as always, fingertips grazing his warm skin. His mind is then instantly flooded with something he can’t quite place.

Instead of the usual cold emptiness he feels from the void, your powers invade his brain in a warm light. It’s a stark difference from how he was feeling just a couple of seconds ago. You’ve completely surrounded his mind and body with an all encompassing spark, and for once, he feels at ease. You are so familiar. 

After muttering something he can’t quite catch, you take your hands off his forehead, his head nearly chasing it, just craving your touch. He’s left with a sense of content he’s never felt before. He feels a little bit hazy, reminding him of that feeling he got in the past when he was high on whatever he could get his hands on, only now it’s not accompanied by the paranoia; He just feels sleepy. 

You watch as his eyes droop, his body language completely different from how it had been just a mere couple of seconds earlier. Adjusting the blankets around you both, you move closer so that your head leans against his shoulder. 

“Sleep well, Bobby.” 

As he drifts off, he realizes that the nickname that his father had taunted him with all those years ago sounds just like a lullaby coming from you. 

~

Somehow, the day didn’t end when you went to sleep- Well, tried to. 

Despite your usual insomnia, you found yourself actually winding down tonight. Everything had been going well too; The mission you and the new avengers went on had gone smoothly, you got home early and were able to take the most luxurious shower of your life, Yelena had made you all dinner, and you stayed up having good conversations with the rest of the team with no fighting. By the end of the night, you had felt good enough to go to sleep. It was the making for the perfect end to an all around awesome day. 

Until it wasn’t.

When sleep finally overtook your body, you were met in the depths of your mind. It started off just like a dream would…until the colors became devoid of life, and faces of people began to blur. You could physically feel the terror of people’s minds you had hijacked in the past. Their fears are now yours. You know you’re asleep, and you know that what you’re feeling isn’t real, but you can not bring yourself to wake up. Your body is trapped under what feels like two tons worth of weight on your chest, and you swear you can see something, someone? Just watching you. 

You awaken in an uncomfortable sweat, your body shooting upright pretty much immediately after your sleep paralysis episode. Hastily, you toss the covers off of you, welcoming the bite of the cold air. 

It wasn’t real. It isn’t real.

You rub your fist into your sternum, it hurts, but you keep pressing harder and harder until you’re sure that the phantom weight is gone. That’s when you hear a soft knock on your door, followed by the quiet creak.

“Y/n?” Bob calls out from your doorway. When he takes in your state, he lets himself in the rest of the way. You won’t mind anyway. He doesn’t bother asking if you’re okay; he can tell just by looking at you. 

“What are you doing here?” You ask, voice weak and shaken from what you just woke up from. He walks closer and takes your hand away from your chest, and gently squeezes your wrist, before letting it fall back to your side. 

“Something felt…wrong.” He doesn’t know how to elaborate without feeling like a creep. He knew that something wasn’t right with you. He just had to come and check up on you. Your jaw tenses and you avoid his gaze. Rather than make tea or distract you, he sits on the edge of your bare bed, hesitating for a moment before opening his arms. A silent offer. 

Your body moves before your mind can protest the action, and you sit beside him, leaning into his embrace. The warmth of his body is immediately welcoming and you can’t help the way your body naturally relaxes, wrapping your own arms around him. He rests his chin on your head before speaking again.

“Can I ask what it was about?” His throat vibrates against your skull, and you dig your fingers into his cozy blue sweater even more. 

“Wasn’t just a nightmare. I could feel them.” You whisper. “The people I’ve hurt. Their fear. Like I was trapped in their minds while I was taking over them…” You shake your head and push into his chest slightly. He doesn't move an inch, just squeezes your body again in encouragement. 

“I couldn’t wake up. I tried.” 

“I’m sorry. It couldn’t have been pleasant.” You shrug in response, eyes heavy with exhaustion. He lets the silence settle before he helps to get your duvet back on your bed. He helps you get settled, making sure you’re comfortable. 

“Don’t go…” You mumble. Bob softens at the words, nodding. He’s not going anywhere. He crawls under the covers with you, making himself comfortable in your bed once again. Unlike usual, he is the one to close the space between you two. As you begin to fall asleep, he looks like he wants to say something- instead, he presses his forehead to yours. 

“Goodnight.” He whispers, gently tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. 

“Goodnight, Bobby.” 

He doesn’t say it. He doesn’t need to. Not tonight. 

~

A/N: Rereading this made me realize how often I used semicolons…apologies everyone.

[dreamlifebunny]

Manifestation is ALWAYS guaranteed once you've made your wish omg. Like, always always always. A few months ago I said, "Goddddd, I am sick of feeling lonely, I need a boy who I can talk to about video game music for hours. We should be able to chat about anything and everything so easily. And have similar formative experiences so we can just get each other. And he should look exactly like this. And he should be super well put together and someone I don't need to take care of. And maybe we aren't even together because I'm not ready for that, but we can just be absolute besties who have crushes on each other. Yeahhh. Okay, anyway."

Moved on with my life, sometimes thought about it, quite often felt lack about it or heartache over not having friends like this, but always just daydreamed about this imaginal person.

GIRLLLLL, when I tell you that a few weeks ago I met this guy who I used to have a tiny crush on years ago that I totally had forgotten about?? He had a girlfriend at the time that I met him, but now he didn't. We bonded over video game music (especially my current hyperfixation) and made plans to hang out. Last night I hung out with him, and he made me frickin' SOUP in his fancy apartment and we talked about video game music for FOUR WHOLE HOURS. And he played piano soooo fucking well, and had the same experiences as me with music and video games growing up. And he looked EXACTLY like how I imagined him in my mind. God, and he's absolutely adorable, but I'd also be happy if we were just friends, since he's fulfilling my little crush quota. Like, what the fuck? Ask and it is GIVEN.

Whenever I "doubt" the law or I'm feeling lack or anything like that, stuff like this always brings me right back to the reality that I am god and there is nothing that I cannot be, do, or have. It always makes me feel so silly for forgetting my power; I'm team-working with an amazing creator (who in reality is just me, there is no separation) who brings about everything I want, in the exact perfect way, and all I had to do was make a silly little decision filled with hope and fun and love. It's not my responsibility to figure out the how or when, and that makes it fun. It's always guaranteed. It will not be late. It will always be perfect.

Make a wish and let it unfold. You'll be so happy that you did.

[numberonetrashwitch]

Some observations about Baldurs Gate 3 that hit too close to home.

After another few runs i will probably just make an in-Depth Character Analysis for every character simply because they are good reflections of actual trauma-manifestations and how abuse can manifest in people. They are also so well written that it serves a narrative purpose to explore all the material that is out there about them. I am also personally cursed with actual medically-relevant levels of Empathy and Hyperfixation; so writing this helps me put a pin in it and move on.

But so far here are my highlights

(SPOILERS and obviously content warning bc these are deep)

before you ask; i have almost 300h in this game.

You have to convince Shadowheart to eat the Noblestalk. She actually stells you she rather get her memories back from Shar but when you hit the persuasion or intimidation (what the fuck) check to get her to eat it she'll tell you about her childhood friend. Not her name, not her parents but her best firend. Possibly because she has had a closer bond to that person after being abducted and indoctrinated. With her believing herself to be an orphan, she would've looked elsewhere for comfort and sought out her own family, this is why she falls hard and heavy for Shar and builds the backbone of her indoctrination. She is literally ripped out of her home & given a new identity to server her from all she has known. Religious indoctrination, Gaslighting, Abduction, being forced to let go of your personality are her main themes.

There is a scene out there floating around in which you see Astarions pespective of the night when he bites Tav for the first time, in his meditations he is confronted with the rules Cazador put on him, including that he can't eat intelligent creatures, can't be away from Cazador unless allowed to, has to obey every command and that they are should know that they are property. Which in turn means that Astarion literally didn't just have any autonomy, he was objectified (and not just through seductive/sexual measures) and that is really the crux to understanding why he doesn't believe in kindness, but rather shows self-serving behavior in most cases. Since we know that Astarion was extremely young for an elf before he died and became immortal (literally stopping the aging /maturing process) it is also very telling that Cazador constantly calls him brat, boy or other very juvanile names, refering to them as a family... well it is also the story of a very controlling parent. Themes of (Bodily) autonomy, infantilization ( & puer aeternus, forever-child), slavery, depersonalisation, corruption of life and torture to break someone.

Gale isn't just a guy hung up on his Ex, but also a victim of abuse. In this case a power imbalance none of us can fathom; She is described as being a jealous goddess and rules over the domain of mysteries and magic. So with Gale being a Wizard, she is literally his boss. He admits that he was foolish enough to aspire to be an equal to her, but she is so jealous that she tells him he can't really be worthy as long as he takes breath. She could just take his powers away and be done with it, that would be more than enough punishment for a guy who literally made Mystra and her domain his life's purpose, but she rather makes him do it himself. Add to that, that she literally only tells him this after years of self-isolation (after he put down so many wards that he could've blown up a whole army as he says if you click the right dialogue) to really fuck him up well. He also talks about death pretty much constantly, not surprising giving your situation, but he will tell you that he will kill himself at several points in the game, for instance after he comes clear about his nethrese orb. Themes of romantic abuse, power-imbalance, toxic work enviorment, self-isolating behavior, suicidal ideation

Wyll ... well from the looks of it he is the most well adjusted of all the companions (my opinion) but he has something that i'd describe as the "eldest daughter"-syndrome, more commonly known as parentification. This pattern usually occurs within single-household parents and is commonly described as a parent looking to their child for emotional or practical support, rather than providing it to their kid. We meet Ulder and see that he talks over Wyll a lot, not listening but expecting him to follow the standard he sets for him. That is also why Wyll repeats his fathers words like gospel (because this is what, in his mind, fullfills the expectations bestowed upon him) and why he loves fairytales / bard tales so much (because they are an ecapist view of the job he set out to do) Ulder literally exiled his teenage son because Wyll did the only thing he could to save an entire city, by sacrificing himself. Thats a lot to expect from a 17 year old - even more so, he doesn't stop with the heroics. He expects himself, as a human who hasn't even reached the age of 30 to hold up to mystical creatures such as Astarion or Karlach, or even Gale who is a accomplished Wizard. Themes of parentification, escapism, self-harming through putting himself in danger, chronic-self-sacrifice

In plain words; Gortash, Karlach's Idol sold her to a Devil. But add to that that she must have been pretty young when she was sold (late teens to early twenties possibly) and being that if you play as a Tiefling, you face a lot of predjudice she was likely forced into that position as well. Starstruck she was, with a juvenile naitivy that Gortash used. Appropriately, as he is the chosen of Bane the god of "tyrannical oppression, terror, and hate, known across Faerûn as the face of pure evil through malevolent despotism" (Source: Forgotten-Realms Wiki / Bane) So she pretty much was raised in a toxic enviorment, which forced her to become a killing-machine, first figuretively, then with the extraction of her heart, literally. Themes of slavery, oppression, misuse of trust, being taken advantage by a more powerful/older(?) person, being drafted.

Jaheira - to be honest, you need to know the lore of the previous baldurs gate games or just listen to her dialouge, ask her all the questions. She is a war-veteran against Bhaal, the good of ritual murder, and has a long history of fighting to achieve some sort of balance of power. She lost her husband and several close people all to this, or any other war, but due to her wisdom and strength people look to her for guidance. Themes of: Survivors Guilt.

Halsin - he is really closed off at first but then just casually hits you with "i was captured in the underdark and spent 3 years chained to a bedroom wall by a pair of drows who used me as they pleased". He is reprimanded by some of his druids for leaving the grove as soon as opportunity struck, just to get back and leave the next day, and if you talk to him about his position in the grove he is actually very forthcomming. He actively holds himself back; indulging in simple hobbies because he knows what lies within his heart. He is afraid of himself and his potential (canonnically he can't control his wildshape, which is very weird for an ARCH-druid) Themes of: impostor syndrome, avoidant-based self-harm, sexual opression, loss of control, emotional regulation.

Lae'zel is a very tragic case, and one that closely resembles the stories of Shadowheart and Karlach. Her entire existence is based upon a matriachial war society allowing her to live if she proves she can be of use and that in a culture which only values brutality, dominance & service. All of that culimating in her finding out that her oh-so-beloved Queen is actually just an imposter, and that everything she has lived for up to that point is merely political propaganda created to make her, and the rest of her entire species, willing pawns in a war that has no longer bearing on their survival alone, but is fought to justify Vlaakith's (the reigning monarchs) personal ambitions. Not only is she forced to reconcile that she is turned into the thing that controlled her kind for hundreds of years, that the only cure she knows of would kill her and then on top of that, that her hopes and dreams were lies and that she is now the Nr 1 enemy of the person she has served with all her being. themes of: oppression, propaganda, casual violence, objectification, child-warfare, eternal warfare

Minthara in short, her story is about being shamed for growing up in the same scenario that Lae'zel grew up in. Lolth, the god of the Lolth-sworn drows is a crazy queen who values scheming & backstabbing so much and is so volatile that you can't know what to expect of your deeds (and i mean it; there were people who were appraised by her for scheming against her, but also those who were killed. It's almost random.) She considers Lolth to be cruel and abandoned her for the Absolute, only to then be used and abused the same way Lae'zel has. Not with promises, but erasing her memory and exposing her perceived weakness. Themes of: casual violence, violent culture, her own ambition colliding with her desire to be safe, being a pawn in a larger game.

[basketonthedoorstepofthefbi]

Spencer Reid x Read fic. Reid and Reader are friends, like best friends. Reader is always offering Reid donuts and listening to his fun facts and info dumps. It's one of those, they both like each other, but also are convinced the other doesn't like them.

Spencer is taking care of a slightly drunk reader whose grandmother called and asked why they're not engaged when they're younger sibling is married and expecting a child. At some point Spencer makes his ever classic comment about how it's safer to kiss and drunk reader, before being able to think, kisses Spencer. I hope that made sense.

OOPS I DID EXACTLY THAT

Safer to Kiss (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader

Word Count: 2899

Warnings: Mentions of food, drinking alcohol, mild cursing, outdated expectations of women, and lots of pining

A/N: Hi I wrote this in 2 hours and was extremely entertained, please enjoy and if you send me a fic request I'll probably do it bc this is my hyperfixation hobby right now and very much keeping the demons at bay xD @bxm-1012 thank you for dropping by my inbox! I am VERY tempted to make a part 2 of this, I hope you enjoy! c:

-----

The whole expiration date thing that women faced was, in your humble opinion, complete and utter bullshit. Here you were, slowly approaching thirty (definitely still told people you were twenty-five, when, in fact, you were actually twenty-eight), and the biological clock was ticking. No, you didn’t want kids. Not right now, anyway. Not when you were only two years into your career as a profiler for the FBI’s prestigious Behavioral Analysis Unit. Not when you still had tons of things to check off your bucket list - go to Europe, visit an independent bookstore in every state, pilot a helicopter. 

And you didn’t buy into that whole ‘once a woman hits thirty, her stock plummets’ crap. Not usually, anyway. 

But Nan’s phone calls always left you questioning your existence. 

Back home in Ohio, your little sister, Kendra, had just announced her pregnancy. Three years younger than you (ironically, the age you told everyone you were), and married to a power plant manager, Kendra was living the dream of a woman from the 1950s. You tried your best not to look down on it, to wish for more for her - but Kendra was happy. She’d always wanted to be a mother, and you couldn’t imagine anyone better suited for the role. There was nothing wrong with wanting to be a wife and a mother, to devoting one’s life to it. You reminded yourself of that every time you spoke to Kendra. You especially reminded yourself of it every time you spoke to Nan. 

That sympathetic tone your grandmother used when she said, “Oh, Button, you’ll find someone eventually, and you’ll be just as happy as Kenny” was like nails on a chalkboard. You resisted the urge to gag into your speakerphone and simultaneously rip your grandmother a new one. You wanted so badly to explain to her that you were perfectly fulfilled with your life. 

You helped lock up bad guys on a weekly basis, you wanted to remind Nan. Your brain was one of few that had been chosen for a task force that caught criminals based on their behavior. It was amazing, working for the BAU, bouncing ideas off of your colleagues, finding a family within this small group of people that spent more than forty hours a week together. 

Nan didn’t see it that way. She wanted you to be just like Kendra. She wanted you to have that white picket fence in the suburbs, with a broad-shouldered husband and two little tykes running at your feet. Domestic bliss just wasn’t in the cards for you, you’d decided. And that was okay.

You were still reeling from your conversation with Nan the night before when you walked in to work on Monday morning. It was Derek who caught the raging RBF first. “Woah, pretty girl. Pump. Your. Brakes.” He said, halting you just as you entered the BAU’s bullpen, holding a hand up to stop you. 

“Good morning to you, too, Derek,” You flashed him a phony grin, and he rolled his eyes. 

“And you’re grumpy this morning… why, exactly?” Derek asked, turning to walk beside you, essentially escorting you to your desk. 

“Because I’m allowed to be?” You proffered, shrugging your shoulders, not really wanting to talk about it with him. You loved Derek - hell, you loved all your coworkers - but he was not the person you wanted to go to with these thoughts. You didn’t really want to talk to anyone about it, actually. You just wanted to ride the cranky train until it came to a complete stop. 

Emily was returning from the kitchenette with a fresh mug of coffee and decided that the conversation concerned her as well. “What’s going on?” she asked. 

“Y/L/N’s wearing her cranky pants this morning,” Derek filled her in. 

“Oh, those so don’t match your blouse, Y/N,” Emily teased, winking at you with a smirk before looking at Derek. “Cut her some slack. No one likes Mondays.” Derek held up his palms defensively. “Alright, alright. Forgive me for being a concerned citizen.” 

“It’s appreciated,” You told Derek genuinely before setting your bag down at your desk. “But unnecessary.” 

It wasn’t until later in the morning, around ten, that anyone bothered you about your obvious bad mood again. This time it was Spencer, the one person you couldn’t possibly be annoyed with. He rolled on his desk chair around the partition that separated your workspaces, holding his hand out expectantly, like he usually did this time of day. 

Without speaking, you opened the bottom drawer of your desk and pulled out the white bag of mini powdered donuts that you always kept in stock. They were your guilty pleasure snack, and one of the first things you and Spencer bonded over when you started at the BAU two years ago. That, and the fact that you were the closest agents in age, was how you got along so well so quickly. Over several cases, varying in degrees of intensity, you and Spencer became really great friends. Best friends, actually. 

There wasn’t anyone else in your life that you trusted more than Spencer Reid. 

You opened the bag of powdered donuts and shook one haphazardly into Spencer’s palm, then grabbed one for yourself. Silently, you cheers-ed your donuts together, and ate them simultaneously, making weird-but-comfortable eye contact as you did. 

“Derek says you’re in a bad mood today,” Spencer pointed out with a teasing smirk on his face. A smirk, and white sugar blanketing his upper lip.

“Derek’s full of shit,” you grinned after swallowing your snack, the smile on your face totally facetious. “I’m extremely happy.” 

“I can tell,” Spencer snickered as you set the powdered donuts back in your snack drawer, closing it with a clank. You watched as he brought both of his legs up into his desk chair, crossing them like a kindergartner. 

The action made your stomach flutter. You’d felt strongly about Spencer for a really long time, probably a year and half, if you had to try and pinpoint it. But there was no use in going down that road with him. For one thing, he was your best friend, and you didn’t want to risk flushing the best relationship in your life down the toilet. For another thing, you knew it was one hundred percent impossible that he could feel the same way. 

“What’d you do this weekend?” Spencer asked, and you could tell by the question that he was trying to discover the source of your poor attitude. 

“Stayed home, caught up on chores,” You said, crossing your knees and leaning back in your seat, your expression telling him that you knew exactly what he was doing. As much fun as playing mind games with Spencer was, you decided to throw him a bone. “Spoke to my grandmother on the phone last night.” 

Spencer nodded understandingly. “Say no more,” he said with a chuckle. “She gave you the whole ‘when are you going to get married’ spiel again?” 

You nodded. “Unfortunately. I usually don’t let it bother me, but for some reason it’s just, like, lurking in the back of my mind today.” You shrugged your shoulders and exhaled through your nose. “What about you?” You asked. 

“What about me?” Spencer arched a brow, and you rolled your eyes playfully. 

“What’d you do this weekend?” 

“Oh,” Spencer began, pursing his lips for a moment, like he was hesitant to tell you. “I actually went on a date.” 

Your stomach flipped. “Oh yeah?” You choked out, forcing a smile. “Who with?” 

“That girl, Lisa, from the coffee shop, the one you told me wouldn’t stop ‘ogling my boy band hair’,” Spencer held up air quotes when he repeated your words from memory.

You recalled the cute barista from the coffee shop just down the highway from Quantico, a popular morning stop for agents on their way to work. You tried to stop the jealousy from turning your blood into fire. “How was it?” You asked, trying to resist the urge to sit on the edge of your seat, trying not to hang on his every word. 

Spencer shrugged his shoulders. “It was okay. She was very nice, but there just wasn’t…” he trailed off, gesticulating as the words failed to come to that supercomputer brain of his. 

“It was like a donut without powdered sugar on it?” You suggested with a small chuckle.

“Yeah,” Spencer agreed, nodding, meeting your eyes and smiling, mildly amused. “Exactly.” 

Spencer went back to his desk a few minutes later, and the rest of the day went on. It was quiet, especially for a day at the BAU. There were, weirdly enough, no open cases right now, so you spent the day catching up on paperwork, which there was always plenty of. 

You caught the elevator about ten minutes after five with Spencer in tow, and you held the door open for him. It was just the two of you as you made the descent from the sixth floor, and Spencer leaned against the back wall. “Plans tonight?” He asked. 

“Not really, no,” You said, shaking your head. “Why, you want to do something?” You asked. 

Spencer nodded. “There’s this landscape and nature photography exhibit at one of the galleries downtown,” he said. “Might be fun. There’s this artist, Milton Harvell, who takes photos of renowned locations around the world but zooms in on an obscure detail and gives the framed photograph to the person who correctly guesses the location.” 

You smiled slowly at that. You loved it when Spencer went off on one of his tangents. You found it completely adorable. “It’s actually quite fascinating,” Spencer went on, an amused tone lining his voice, making it sound lighter. “Kind of like a Where’s Waldo, but in reverse. There was this one photograph he took of the Louvre in Paris, but he zoomed in really tightly on a young boy enjoying an ice cream cone. He even went so far as to edit the photograph to make it look like it was a different time of day. The four thousand and eighth person to view the photograph was the person who guessed the correct location.” Spencer’s head bobbed and he was smiling like an idiot. 

God, you were down bad. 

“Was the four thousand and eighth person… you?” You asked, narrowing your eyes at him scrupulously and allowing a teasing grin to cross your face. 

“The photo’s hanging in my living room,” he confirmed. 

You laughed softly. “Will there be alcohol at this function?” You asked him, and he nodded. 

That was all you needed to hear. 

— — —

You and Spencer went straight to the art gallery from work, sharing a cab rather than bothering with your cars. You immediately bought a glass of red wine, and began to follow him around the gallery. You weren’t an art aficionado, not by any means, but you enjoyed looking at beautiful things, and you especially enjoyed spending time with Spencer that wasn’t hunched over a dead body or trying to map out a killer’s comfort zone. It was a rare occurrence, so you tried to soak it all up as much as possible. 

Plus, your Nan’s words were still lingering in the back of your head. It’ll happen for you someday, Button. Men just don’t find you strong, career types attractive. Maybe you should soften up your look a little. 

You downed your first glass of wine within ten minutes, and caught one of the catering staff passing out champagne almost instantaneously after. The champagne fizzled down your throat as you strolled with Spencer through the art gallery, listening intently as he went on about each piece, rattling off whatever contextual knowledge he had. But you were a little bit biased; you could listen to him list different types of soil and find it interesting. 

After the glass of champagne came another glass of champagne, and by the time you made it to the main exhibit Spencer wanted to see, your cheeks were flushed. It wasn’t that you couldn’t hold your alcohol; rather, it just made you a little bit silly. Your inhibitions were lowered, just like it would affect anyone. But with your arm looped through Spencer’s and your Nan’s nagging message still in the back of your mind, you were perhaps a little more loose than usual. 

As Spencer examined the exhibit, you tapped your foot, unable to keep still, and scanned the open space. Your eyes landed on another patron of the gallery, a conventionally handsome man about your age, and you found yourself unlooping your arm from Spencer’s, subconsciously not wanting to appear taken. 

“Are you gonna go talk to that guy?” Spencer asked, and you snapped your eyes back to his. “Because you can, if you want to. Don’t let me stop you.” 

It was almost like he was daring you to. Spencer’s jaw seemed tense as you examined his expression, the way his gorgeous brown eyes darted from the man and back to you. “You don’t mind?” You asked, arching a brow, almost like a challenge.

Spencer shook his head, his lips pursed. “Not at all. I’ll wait here for you?” 

You nodded, and turned towards the man. There wasn’t any harm in getting a guy’s number, right? Your feelings for Spencer were a lost cause, anyway. Plus, as Nan liked to point out, you weren’t getting any younger. 

The man’s eyes locked on yours and he seemed to understand that you were about to speak with him. He met you halfway, and you shook his hand. “Malcolm Greene,” he introduced himself, and you spouted off your own name in return. “You’re not here with that guy?” He asked, jerking his chin over to Spencer. Your eyes followed Malcolm’s, and you saw Spencer with his body turned towards the photography exhibit, but his head turned to the side, as if he were keeping an eye on you with his peripheral vision. 

“Yeah, I am,” you said, and Malcolm’s head inclined to the side. “I am. I’m here with that guy,” you panicked, suddenly realizing in that moment that you weren’t interested in speaking with Malcolm. No, you had absolutely no interest in spending your time with any other man but Spencer Reid. “I just, uh…” Your cheeks flushed, and you stifled an awkward laugh, anxiously trying to come up with some excuse. “I came over here to tell you that your shoe was united.” 

Your eyes followed Malcolm’s down to his shoes, which were loafers. Laceless loafers. Malcolm’s mouth opened as if to point this out to you, but you managed to stammer words out first. “Ok, well, have a great night, goodbye!” You turned on your heel and marched back over to Spencer, your cheeks red as you reached out for his arm. 

Spencer furrowed his brows down at you as your arm gripped his. “I need another glass of wine,” you confessed. 

Twenty minutes later, after two more glasses of wine and a very watchful eye out for Malcolm, you and Spencer left the art gallery. You were awfully giggly on the cab ride back to your place, cracking puns and humming along to the radio intermittently. Spencer seemed to be amused, but more so concerned with getting you home in one piece. 

As he walked you up the stairs to the door of your apartment building, he was teasing you about your conversation with Malcolm, which you still hadn’t told him completely about. “I still can’t believe you didn’t get his number. You were talking with him for exactly two minutes and twelve seconds. What, in that short of an amount of time, could have turned you off to him so quickly?” He pondered aloud, a playfully mocking tone lining his voice. 

“Listen, I shook his hand! I had my fun!” You exclaimed, bursting into laughter as you leaned against the handrail of the stairs that led up to the door. “Good, clean fun!” 

“You know, the number of pathogens that are passed during a handshake is staggering. It’s actually safer to kiss someone,” Spencer rattled off, and your eyes snapped to meet his. 

You don’t know what took you over. Maybe it was the wine. Maybe it was the way the street lamps reflected in the irises of his eyes, or how you stood just a few inches away from him. Maybe it was his stupid tweed blazer, how he looked like a tenured art history professor despite barely being thirty years old. Maybe it was the way he smelled like pine and printer ink, a combination you wouldn’t have ever thought was attractive. 

But when Spencer said that, you stood up on your toes and kissed him. It was slow and innocent at first, until it passed the border into lingering, and Spencer’s hands found your hips, pulling your body closer to his. There was a cool night breeze that filtered through the space between your bodies, and by the time you pulled your lips away from Spencer’s, and slowly opened your eyes, you were completely red in the face and breathless. 

No, that certainly wasn’t the safest choice you could have made.

——

read part 2 here

[mysteryanimator]

Thought process of Powerful Predatory Deadly Fan-Animatic

(Aka I ramble about how I went about storyboarding this because i have many thoughts)

I haven't done this in a proper while, where I just vomit out how I went about doing this kind of stuff (more so animation) to track progress! I stopped doing it because the self doubt worms were being really loud, but these are fun, so we're bringing this back (maybe)!

“Mystery there’s no way you thought and did all this in the span of 2 weeks with breaks ON TOP OF UNIVERSITY-“ Objection, hyperfixation and the drive to improve is absurd. Not only is this really enjoyable to me that I actively make sure I carve out time for it, but I also want to make sure I strive to do my best at all times. I want to be like my online peers and mutuals :D

(This was me streaming the process to my friends so I could lock in)

This is going to be different from all the other breakdowns because this is not an analysis; this is more of a personal run-through of how I went about it and how I am reflecting upon it! How I storyboard now is very different from how I used to approach it. By all means, I know there could’ve been stronger shot choices, better pacing, etc. There's a lot to improve on, but suffice it to say, between January to now, the difference is night and day.

This will be way more casual and more just a blabber of thoughts. This also means a huge chunk of it is just me word vomiting, which also means if the grammar is somewhat off, I apologise in advance.

Before we start with the actual shots, we have to go through

✨ iteration process and research ✨

While I do have a script, the story beats were as follows:

1. Tera and Mizrak meet in the forest (intent to 'lure out' Olrox via Mizrak)

2. Fight (put pressure heavily on Mizrak)

3. Mizrak says something that reignites Tera's grief and humanity

4. Tera momentarily loses herself, allowing Mizrak to get the upper hand, only to lose it a second later

5. Tera says/does something that reignites Mizrak's fear and humanity

6. Olrox appears, therefore ending the fight/scene

I initially went in with the mindset of this being a somewhat even fight (in every single script draft, Mizrak loses tho LOL). This meant that for me, at least, to keep the fight visually interesting was to have both characters move very differently. For Tera, I looked at ice skaters, ballet, and lyrical because I have a personal preference when fights look like a dance; it’s my most favourite thing ever. It also just establishes from the get-go Tera’s composure and control before I eventually had to break it and make the contrast that much more harrowing.

Mizrak was always going to be rough compared to Tera. I thought an interesting fighting style would be Arnis, a Filipino martial art style that uses sticks or improvised weapons for self defence and combat, which would be a fun a way to extend use of Mizrak's nails (also me, Filipino, just a wanted to finally have an excuse to board it). This would be combined with Muy Thai, break dancing and tinkling (that is so fucking cool for dodging ice). It also kind of already flows into Mizrak's melee sword style because it's very 'wooshy', and I noticed he does a ton of curve-up/down and follows the line of action from his sword. I digress, though.

As you can tell, the action shifted from a somewhat balanced 1-v-1 fight to a "this isn't a fight, this is a trap". This was paired with the horror aspect I was leaning into, which meant I disregarded a ton of my research. However, all the fight styles were not completely lost. They still find themselves using those techniques! Mizrak has shifted to just kind of doing defensive drills without sticks/nails to cement how he’s not used to dealing with magic fights, and he can't repurpose the ice that hits him because it shatters on impact. Tera, I'm not 100% sure if this was the right call for this, but I ended up just making her from the waist down really still until she lept forward. This was to make her seem very inhuman, controlled, and calculated like a predator (wow title) because:

"You've been stalking me for a month. What the fuck do you want?"

I felt like I had to showcase that and give that line proper weight. Like she knew beat for beat what she was doing, purposefully aiming for Mizrak's arms, knowing they'd shatter, throw him off guard, and pin him. Again, I'm not sure if it was the right call, but I wanted it to make it doomed from the start.

This is where I now delve into media-specific research. Since action is not a particularly strong suit, how to actually capture action on screen was challenging BUT fun. So with the addition of the storyboard classes I took (Ae Ri Yoon and Danny Araya are both wonderful teachers, and I learnt sooooo much; their classes are amazing. Ae Ri Yoon runs a class each season so definitely check her out if you want to do action!!) I did research into Legend of Korra. Specifically metal/water/ice bending. I limited it to just ice, cutting out the fire ability because I saw the potential to further the rhetoric of the lack of humanity/warmth in Tera's life. While I'm still not entirely happy with the core fight itself and not very confident about how it was captured, it is a step in the right direction into strengthening that skill. Only with time and more precision I get better at it presumably, LOL.

Even though a huge chunk of actual research went into just staring at LOK and filling my fyp with copious amounts of MMA fighters, I did want to lean onto horror. Often, when I’m doing uni assignments, I have a ton of video essays/films playing as background noise, and for a long while, it has been gothic/folk/religious horror media. After realising the potential of doing 'horror' due to dabbling in it for the Rabbits animatic, I set to properly delve into making this one horror adjacent. While horror/fear is subjective, and I knew I couldn't do true horror justice (also, this is an action scene), I still wanted to take the visual tension they do. I took inspiration from Mike Flannigan and Robert Eggers' work, The Ritutal, along with video games such as Silent Hill, Resident Evil, and the American McGee's Alice franchise. There's probably way more I'm missing out on, but this was simply a mosaic of all the stuff I love in all fairness.

The video essay "The Fear of Transformation" by ProfessionalViral, while it discusses Tokyo Ghoul, made me deeply think of Tera and Mizrak and what I could visually convey about the tragedy of still being human on the inside yet facing the consequences of being a 'monster. ' Unfortunately, that video has been copyrighted to hell and bac,k but it stuck with me a lot and made me still push really heavily on focusing on portraying Tera and Mizrak's anguish, so the "action" of it got smaller and smaller.

✨ process time ✨

I’ll briefly run over how I actually went about it.

For this, I did some explorative thumbnails, and some of them did stick around to the final- such as the framing box shots and Tera's ending monologue. Once I felt confident enough, I laid down roughs or just text placements, knowing what should be happening but not knowing how to visualise it. Some will be sentences, others will be WHOLE PARAGRAPHS just detailing the meaning behind a scene and what specific mood I want. With this board, I ended up jumping around a lot, never solely linearly going from beginning to end. Also, my roughs can be absurdly rough or absurdly clean, which is very funny.

(like dude what)

Also, I wasn't supposed to do shadows/lighting but also this is horror adjacent. I feel like it establishes the more eerie tone I wanted to go for :D

Fun fact: many of the forest shots came from me scoping out irl places for compositions/nature literally any time I went outside. While yes, I had very specific compositions in mind, actually running around was very helpful to figure out the space and understand perspective better since I do struggle with it from time to time🫰

now the moment y'all have probably been waiting for

✨shot breakdowns✨

While I'm not going to go through every scene for this to let people have more free reign to interpret each shoy as they wish, I sat with each individual shot for sooooo long. Trying to figure out why and when to cut, what story beats motivate for entirely new camera positions, etc. Especially with action, it is a new territory for me.

Split diopters!

This was a thing I wanted to play with as it commonly occurs in The Haunting of Bly Manor! Here, I've linked a video essay, but it should take you straight to the section talking about split diopters in the show. If that doesn't work, it is at 41:45!

As Haunting of Bly Manor uses it to highlight empty space, I also wanted to do that to create not only that same unease, but give Tera an immense amount of power over Mizrak even though she's not there, especially in the subsequent shot where a hugeee amount of of the space just nothing but trees, as Mizrak stands closed off with the house.

This here basically answers Mizrak question of "what the fuck do you want?"

Tera is here to dismandle the comforts of homely life for Olrox, which happens to include Mizrak. To get Olrox out of his comfort zone means also taking Mizrak out of it. Also, I wanted to convey that Mizrak is clocking what Tera is putting down, so he's positioned as if he's defending the house. This is also why I wanted to cut to a close-up.

This also becomes a nice moment to come back to because I reuse a very similar set up when Olrox gets introduced into this animatic.

Also, yes, that is a box; it's not a Myst animatic if there are no boxes/framing devices. While the boxes are still somewhat suffocating, as most boxed framing is, each windowed frame communicates wildly different things. Every single character who appears in this animatic has a full body in a specific frame, including Tera.

What I planned to communicate was the following:

Mizrak - He acts as one of the pillars to box in the house rather than being within the frame itself, implying stability and structure. This showcases how he wants to defend the house, however, it also establishes he's the 'weakest' amongst the three characters in this animatic because he's off to the side.

Tera - While using someone else's body as a frame, most of the time, it usually means the other person has more power. It's flipped on its head this time because it all the shots before this one have characters off-center to suddenly being dead in the middle. This breaks up the pattern and therefore breaks up our initial understanding of what's going on (hopefully). Therefore, it creates a lot of tension and unease. Also, Mizrak's legs practically go in the row of the trees, as he's lined up, which is where Tera wants him to be because Mizrak is now predictable. Tera has been stalking Mizrak for a month, as stated before, so she knows Mizrak's patterns and repetitive actions, like the trees showcased.

Olrox - He basically combines both Tera's and Mizrak's boxed frame. He's set off to the side like Mizrak; however, he's in the center of the hole in the wall. He also basically makes the frame himself by using the skulls and he blocks the only exit out of the house, creating an imposing force that puts Tera into a box off to the side. Also, if you compare the Olrox shot with the "(OS) Not exactly" shot, Olrox is placed where the house is, so it really really cements down that this is what Tera/Mephistopheles/Old Man Coyote/"Some other name" was after. It can also suggest a ton of other things relating to Olrox's relationship with Mizrak.

This was very very fun way to establish the character's power dynamics.

While sharing a WIP of the early script, someone mentioned Mizrak's line directly to Tera, and I just had to do a direct comparison. Tera should be allowed to mock him (everything changed for me when Tera was a lot more sassy towards Emmanuel; that was so fun to see that side of her, so I wanted to channel that here).

This camera truck from Tera to Mizrak was really fun! It helped to quickly establish the gist of the fight, with Tera being much larger that she doesn't fit the screen while Mizrak is way in the back and is really small. It also establishes that Tera is intentionally putting pressure on Mizrak to move back because it means they're getting closer to the house.

I also from the getgo wanted to just give a sense of impending traedgy that Mizrak is so fucked. He is losing this fight no matter what; that's the horror aspect of it. Rather than focusing on the horror for the audience, it's the horror for Mizrak that would hopefully seep into the audience because, presumably, I've gotten people to connect with Mizrak before this fight has commenced. Basically, my statement here is, "We're watching a man try to vie for his life." Not only does Mizrak ALMOST DIE, but the sanctity of the home is destroyed. Olrox is the sole reason Tera didn't accidentally overcommit to her grief and rage.

This shot was fun, I feeel like i could've keyed it out more BUT I like what this shot tells. It basically cements Mizrak into a trap and gives him no exit. There's also a momentary pause JUST before Mizrak does a spin around as if he is calculating what to do next but Tera already anticipated it.

Dutch angleeeee as it moves from a close up to a full body, and then we have the contrasting circular motion of the icicles against the straight line of Tera. This was also a very fun shot as it basically establishes how powerful she is and how much control over this entire fight she has. Also dutch angles not only appear more "dynamic" but it also shifts the balance to be uneven to cement how uneven this fight is.

My friend pointed out how this shorthand of Mizrak was just his chest, which is the funniest thing ever because I genuinely didn't know how else to shorthand him, because this is a hahaha what if season 3 had a Tera Mizrak face-off? He'd be wearing different clothes.

This was fun to showcase that while yes Mizrak is a vampire and supernatural, this feels really human, very much still a beginner at this new life (because vampirism in a queer context can mean self-acceptance of what you consider taboo). This was one of the shots I knew I had to keep grounded. Not entirely sure if it was the right call, but I wanted to showcase him being worn down and thought that this was a good way to portray it.

Also, if you watch carefully, all of this is calculated by Tera because again: "If you're worried, I'm not here to kill, and I'm not here for you."

In both of my storyboard classes, they mentioned something about having your "wow" moment. This was one of the intentional ones!

I'm glad people gasped and went, "oh shitttt", alongside the other mizrak eye shots I'll talk about a little bit later. It holds for a bit longer in an uncomfortable way. In a way, it has you questioning what's going to happen next as you grip your chair in fear (hopefully).

I also tossed up the idea of making Mizrak yell/scream, but I wanted to hold off until we got to the second important eye shot of Mizrak. So here, I hopefully gave off the impression of Mizrak trying to maintain control even though he's absolutely terrified. He's in adrenaline mode.

The Jesus implications :D not only do we have the very well-known puncture wounds in the hands, but we have wounds to the left side of his body! I was very close to puncturing his feet to really cement that connection and make it more horrifying how Mizrak was trapped, but I needed them free so he could land a metaphorical/physical gut punch to Tera later on.

In this instance, Jesus and Mizrak knew they were going to die, but they went through with it anyway. I also thought it would be visually interesting that Tera, the sacrificial ram, would be perscuting Mizrak to the cross. Allowing people to infer as they wish from it because that is very heavy symbolism.

I kept ending up doing a lot of cuts to close-ups in this fight, which I don't inherently love, HOWEVER, this fight is extremely emotionally loaded. It was very important to me to capture the faces of the characters, especially when they start verbally wounding each other.

To mirror Mizrak's shot to Tera was sooo important to convey the idea that Mizrak's words really tug deep into Tera, also helping to visualise the fact that if this was to be ever animated, for a few seconds- her vampire pointed ears get hidden and her eyes are shown off properly and it is as if we regain Tera back. For the majority of the scenes, I just intentionally blacked out where Tera's eyes were or just obscured her face a ton with hair.

I'm sure there are more ways to explicitly share their deep, vulnerable human moments besides close-ups, but for now, this is just what I've got, and with time and experimenting more, I'm sure I'll break out of this repetition.

Then we get the GUT PUNCH.

This was important because this is Mizrak's single and only physical attack against Tera, which on paper is REALLY FUNNY, but the mere mention of Maria disarms Tera, translating into Mizrak being able to fight back. I considered him kicking Tera to make you physically wince or some other thing, but I just went for the knee jab into the stomach because it felt the most like a "punch to the gut".

I also just needed another shot that wasn't a close-up. I needed something to pull you out of the close, intimate moment because Tera and Mizrak barely share the same screen space on purpose. It's an uneven fight; they're never going to be level and grounded in the same space, being really disconnected. HOWEVER, was this the best way to portray this disconnect and uneven balance? I'm not entirely sure.

This was me experimenting with switching to two backgrounds and pinning characters to the camera! I thought it was also a nice way to transition from Tera's initial loss and then seeing a gradual but quick switch up, which I thought matched well with this type of camera move.

Admittedly, I got really stuck on how to get Mizrak into the air and create build up for. It was very important to get to this shot. Like, I love how this shot looks and feels, but the build-up before it doesn't feel all the way there (personally) THOUGH, this became a point of i was fully stuck, and I just had to move on. This is supposed to feel like the final blow/strike within the fight before Tera begins to go overkill when they get to the house. Like here, she's won the fight, especially paired with fact that this goes in 'slow mo' and the subsequent scenes are Mizrak smashing into the house.

Which, by the way, THAT WAS SO FUN CAPTURING THAT. While I do realise now I could've made it way more gnarly and have him tumble/hurt more to really push for that Mizrak was completely outmatched, I think this was still cool regardless (I was consuming invincible boards to figure this out lol).

THIS WAS SO FUN.

The Tera monologue was actually one of the first things I planned out, and this close-up shot was important to me to see Mizrak's struggle. Not only was the hand piercing supposed to be one the iconic moments in this fight, Tera turning Mizrak's tears into icicles was also planned to be one of those moments.

Not only is it just cool (pun intended), but it's also directly showcasing how Tera is physically weaponizing his fear and humanity. Much like how Mizrak dug deep into Tera's grief and humanity when mentioning Maria to cause a literal gut punch, Tera is just returning the favor. Just ten times worse, you know. After this, we pair with a tonnnn of extreme closeups and quick cuts to get more of that chaotic feel as if Mizrak's attention is jumping between multiple different things to try and find a way to get out, contrasting this long monologue Tera is going through.

Which Tera is talking about how loved and lucky Mizrak is. I love doing contrasting imagery to audio.

Seeing Olrox BEFORE we actually see him was very important to me here because it somehow breaks the initial tension whilst simultaneously elevating it tenfold. Especially since the line JUST BEFORE the purple glow is "you are far too spoiled by god", only for Olrox, who's straight up associated with Quetzalcoatl, a Mesoamerican deity, to APPEAR.

Also, by this point, Tera has completely WON. Not only has she disarmed Mizrak to feeling human and vulnerable, but she's also brought Olrox to his limit.

When Olrox's genuine appearance occurred, I wanted to do very pulled-out shots, completely contrasting the much more panicked, frantic close-ups. Even the skulls are super skill. Despite this, I still wanted to make it feel quite suffocating but presented it differently to showcase an even more elevated power. Olrox is stronger than both Tera and Mizrak, and he displays that power. Olrox here is grounded, which is why we get 'establishing shots'. Not entirely sure if this is the right term since this isn't the start of a new location/sequence, but it is here to establish the new tone and properly ground us to the setting.

Also, intentionally, I'm not allowing you to see Mizrak. I'm stooping it in mystery (pun intended) to make people question if he's alright or not, and for the rest of the animatic, you just never see his face. I'm ripping that connection from you to make you sit in worry and, therefore, place you in the same headspace as Olrox.

Wow more closeups of side profiles, Myst (im sorry im a sucker for them but I swear it works here... I think)

This was fun because Tera and Olrox understand each other here, but they don't ever look each other in the eye/acknowledge each other's physical presence. Again, going back onto verbally wounding like what Mizrak does, except this one is way more subtle and controlled because again, Tera and Olrox amictably understand each other. They both understand how they are so interwoven with the ones they are loved by, so they know their places are not to kill each other. There's a lot of power in having Olrox let Tera enter the scene and exit it without moving. Double fun fact: the wall in the background have direct lines that Tera crosses over. This is meant to visualise how Tera is really testing Olrox, especially paired with Tera jabbing back at how love in the vampire is a dangerous thing to hold. This makes them both somehow be on the same level playing field, which is why I went for this specific shot of their side profiles back to back (and also why they both have the hair thing that goes across their face)

Holding on this shot was fun, too, because it's akin to holding your breath due to the tension. Any sudden movements and everything falls apart. It's a race to see who breaks first, which ends up being Olrox as we see how his skulls kind of flicker for a moment before dissipating as he looks in horror for Mizrak, which we don't get the luxury of seeing.

And we're done with the shots :D

✨ animatic editing ✨

So I know this portion I don't have to do, but also,

a) It makes the animatic feel that much fully rounded for general viewing

b) I have a background in media analysis and production. I miss doing the production part, like editing LOL

While admittedly I am a much weaker editor/ audio mixer, this was still a fun challenge! This was more self-indulgent than anything.

A fun note is that originally, Duo Seraphim by Monteverdi was going to be the music because it fit sooooo well, especially since a third singer joins later. However, the vibes did not work, and I just stuck to Powerful Predatory Deadly from the Nocturne soundtrack because that also fit really well for the haunting vibes. Also, Tera humming at the beginning was majorly inspired by Death from Puss in Boots: The Last Wish but also other villains who have melodic motifs to signal if they're in a scene before visually seeing them. It is soooo fun. This was also because I wanted it to contrast with how you sense Olrox's presence first with colour (also with an electric hum, but it's not distinct).

Ok now im done. This was supposed to be unserious so i could truly cool down from this animatic. I'm glad people liked this and also that people really enjoyed watching me improve over the last two months, it is superrrr appreciated! The sky is the limit and I know I do have much to improve on, but the final effect of getting people to have takeaways from these animatics and to actually feel something is fantastic. It means I'm definitely going in the right direction :D

Again, thank you guys for reading this really lengthy ramble!! Closing my eyes as i share this and immediately running lol

[aviivix]

Hey guys its been a while, I'm so sorry I have fallen pretty much completely out of Splatoon, become hyperfixated on Kingdom Hearts, and now have made an AU I am extremely invested in, in which Roxas rejects Sora in the simulated mansion and Sora awakens as a Heartless. Hijinks ensue.

As is I guess in character for me I immediately started thinking about the gameplay of a KH2 with this very strong divergence from canon. Ramble incoming, though this is pretty early days in this fixation so I feel like this will change over time. I just kind of wanted to crystalize it here.

AUDIO VERSION OF THIS RAMBLE (I have ADHD and big blocks of text are hard for me so audio version may be easier to digest)

Disclaimer: I have "played" (read: watched my gf play on stream) KH2 and have both watched the "movie" version of Days and the recent 2 hour breakdown of everything the movie version left out. I know a few events of ReCoM from skimming the wiki but we haven't gotten around to actually watching/playing it and I expect I'll have to tweak this AU to include specific ReCoM details. I also importantly have not seen anything about KH1 which is hilarious and will undoubtedly lead to funnies in this AU. :) Also we haven't touched Dream Drop Distance, Birth by Sleep, Coded, 3, or anything else not mentioned.

So far what I have changed about the initial conditions is that Sora's brief time as a Heartless weakened his heart's connection to his body. Imagine his heart is just scotch taped to his body and it seems totally fine there until it suddenly isn't. The logistics of ReCoM is a little rough without knowing exactly what happens in it, but the main idea is that Sora's physical body is separated from his heart, with the physical body immediately becoming Roxas and the heart experiencing ReCoM and being solely what is put in stasis. Potentially the issue could be less that Roxas is hoarding Sora's memories and moreso that Roxas just straight up has his body and Sora can't wake up without one, but technically I don't think the memories thing needs to change so I'm tentatively leaving it alone. I also don't know how Dumb and Dumber factor into the ReCoM side of things but it's whatever.

In the prologue of KH2, it's almost exactly the same, except for one teeny tiny insignificant little detail - instead of saying, "Sora... you're lucky." Roxas stares Sora in the face, contemplates for a moment, and says, "Sora... I'm sorry. My life belongs to me."

This act of defiance, Roxas's rejection of Sora like a body rejecting an organ transplant, causes DiZ and Riku's whole setup to fall apart, booting Roxas out of the simulation where he now has to break out of the mansion. Rejected by his body and being kept from half his power, Sora's heart is now isolated, and as the pod breaks down, the only thing left for him is the memories of the Heartless, Ansem, the Organization, and the pent up rage at what they did to him and took away from him. This creates a Heartless form around the now-abandoned heart.

As the system shuts down, the pods open, and the heartless Anti Sora emerges from stasis - voiceless and angry. The two Disney idiots awaken from their stasis as well, undoubtedly shocked and wary of Sora's new form. But Sora's rage is very, very targeted. He has no quarrel with Donald and Goofy - but he has a massive quarrel with the Org-hooded Ansem-faced Riku that comes down to try and secure Sora and Roxas before they escape.

I'm still toying with how this jailbreak could go. Riku and DiZ don't really have common goons to fight, and it wouldn't feel right to put Nobodies or Heartless here, so it has to be a Riku fight most likely. Perhaps some explosions from the system freaking out, or hastiness in his actions to justify his weakness. Or, perhaps, just the fact that Roxas and Anti Sora fighting together is roughly equivalent to A Whole Sora (plus the Anti Dramatic Tension Devices aka Donald and Goofy) so they could probably keep him back enough to escape which is what the two of them really want to do. Roxas could probably intuit that Anti Sora is Sora, but there is no chance Sora understands who Roxas is. (Though the Org coat could be an issue for Sora immediately assuming Roxas to be an Org member and targetting him. Sora is rowdy and unpredictable in this form so that's not a complete bad thing but for gameplay I would like a reason to have this be a cool team fight - especially with a RC to switch between playing as Anti Sora and Roxas.)

Outside the intro, there are a few things I definitely want to explore but just haven't yet. But one I have is the idea that, although KH doesn't really do split endings, this would be a great opportunity to run that as I can absolutely see a "Save Roxas or Save Sora" dichotomy. Roxas, of course, can be killed to reunite Sora's heart with his body, allowing him to be whole again - we all cry over Roxas in this house, that's not new. But consider...

Heartless are held together by rage, hate, and darkness. With Sora, that anger is very targeted at the Org and the Heartless. Once the day is saved, though, and Sora's heart is put at peace... there's no hatred or anger left to hold his form together. So, if he doesn't have a body by then, his options are to let the world be broken so he can maintain his rage (obviously not a very Sora thing to do), or save the world and disappear forever.

...so, the Sora and Roxas fight still exists in this AU. But rather than Sora being a very very very passive participant in someone else's story (as beautiful as the scene is and as much as I understand Sora being a brick wall is thematically relevant, it just takes away from it for me. Sora needs a little more agency here imo, as it stands it just makes me root against him and make it feel frustrating that Roxas accepts his fate), Sora here learns in advance about his own fate of disappearing. Probably in the same scene where he learns this, he also learns that the only way to stop that is to find his "Nobody" and take it out so his heart can reinhabit it.

At this point then, Sora may still be unconvinced that his Nobody could even be a person - everyone around him assures him that Nobodies are, well, nobodies. But the fight with Roxas, rather unfortunately for Sora, cements the fact that his Nobody does in fact have capital-d Determination. That Roxas has a will to keep living, a strong one, fighting with the desperation of a cornered animal. He isn't just a meat suit for Sora to put back on, he's a person that Sora has to find it in himself to kill in order to stay alive himself.

If you choose to spare Roxas, then Roxas gets to be an ally and gets his happy ending. But Sora will die in the ending with Riku. But if you choose to kill Roxas, having Sora slash him down with his own claws, then Sora must confront the fact that he is willing to cut Roxas's life short for his own self-preservation. That guilt will stay with him as his body is restored and his friends rejoice at the return of Sora.

Axel absolutely has parts to play here, and in fact the plot itself is probably quite different as Sora kills Heartless without a Keyblade while other characters like Mickey have Keyblades capable of sealing the McGuffin keyholes. And now every important character is scrambling to adjust to Sora being a Heartless and Roxas still being alive. But those come later because my gf is the ultimate Axel fan and I want to do right by her lol

Also the Round Room is canonically a discord call in this AU

[almostempty]

Sorry if you've already answered this. But what's wrong with the dbf fics? I understand and agree with what you're saying about the way people are writing ppcu characters and needing cultural context and how important it is. But I'm lost about the dbf fics. And I was curious how you feel about the large age gap fics too and if you feel that plays a part at all. Those are my favorite tropes, so I'm just trying to understand. TY!

hi, ty for asking, i tried to write a concise answer and add some links, but my unedited extended edition answer is under the 'keep reading'

in one sentence: I think the trope has become shorthand for the popular fics that often romanticize fetishized roles (white-coded young reader x hypersexualized but otherwise flattened joel) without awareness or intention 

-> tl;dr (the bullet points--i really tried to be brief):

the tropes aren’t inherently harmful, there are often patterns in those fics that reinforce patriarchal, settler colonial white supremacist values (e.g. ‘taboo’ nature of the dbf trope is rooted in patriarchal father/daughter purity/women as property/purity as value) 

the dbf tag often goes hand in hand with white-coded reader inserts (not a crime, but not inclusive) and hypersexualized ppcu characters (fetishization of pp as a latino disguised as a trope) 

popular narratives reinforce systems of power—even when unintentional 

personally, i enjoy tropes that also can often reinforce/romanticize stereotypes, and i have written them too. i want to be an anti-racist ally and do better 

critiquing issues in tropes isn’t a call for censorship or an interpersonal conflict—it is part of being anti-racist and decolonizing internalized beliefs and being aware of the impact of storytelling

-> some links to consider for building your own critical media literacy:

i encourage folks to read from/look up videos of bell hooks, Kimberlé Crenshaw, Angela Davis, Oyèrónkẹ́ Oyěwùmí, and other BIPOC activists, thinkers, civil rights activists, philosophers, etc. to develop a critical, intersectional feminist lens for yourself

Race didn’t exist until European colonization introduced racism

for more fanfic specific related info (not about dbf but relevant to recurring discourse):

On Fanfiction, Fandom, and Why Criticism Is Healthy

What Fandom Racism Looks Like: Fandom Wank

fandom racism 101: feeling fragile

fandom racism 101: clocking and closing the empathy gap

the long answer: 

(i hope this answers the question. i’ve never been concise in my life. and i wrote this half on my phone and half on my laptop. gonna just send tweet now before i hyperfixate on this for days and write 50 pages of thoughts you didn’t ask for <3)

I wanna preface by clarifying that for most of my rants i am not saying ‘in my opinion these tropes are bad and nobody should write or read them’ but that from a macro/zoomed out view of the fandom there are patterns that that reinforce racialized stereotypes or fetishize characters or idolize colonial/patriarchal values that have systemically been used to prop up structural racism from the bottom up. A dbf fic isn’t inherently racist or a microaggression; neither is an age gap or noncon or whatever trope. There is, however, a pervasive pattern where the dbf trope often goes hand in hand with factors that do reinforce white-coded reader inserts as young/pure/valuable and pp characters as flattened/fetishized, or rough/stoic without depth, or pervy/sleazy. These narratives can reinforce the white supremacist ideology/propaganda of' latino man = dangerous and rough' and 'white (coded) girl = pure/good' …and often the catalyst for his character development centers her reactions bc that ideology doesn’t accept a brown man having growth/redemption/softness without centering the white girl. Over time those fics become the most popular/praised and set the cultural tone in the fandom. A culture that puts white-coded reader x dbf joel fics on a pedestal—which doesn’t just appeal to more white readers but also tells BIPOC readers they aren’t being pictured, considered, or embraced. Repetition and emphasis of cultural narratives can reproduce and keep dominant ideologies in power–-even unintentionally. And the fics aren’t being read in a vacuum, we all exist within the context of a society built on power, privilege, and oppression. 

In my completely personal opinion I’m not drawn to dbf tropes bc the ‘risk’ associated with getting caught by reader’s dad or betraying dad isn’t something that resonates with me as relatable—but that is only my opinion and I wouldn’t tell other people not to read or write dbf fics just because they aren’t my favorite. I do encourage the writers and readers in the fandom that if they want to shift the cultural norm in this fandom to a more diverse and inclusive environment, they need to be critical of the fics they read/write/share, bc liking or disliking the tropes is an opinion---but the presence of patriarchal values and racial fetishization that serves white supremacy is just a fact. it's there in the power dynamics of the stories. and it's a fact that patriarchal values are historically interlinked with white supremacy. these values and stereotypes exist in other forms of popular media, not just fics--but it's in fanfic that we have more control over what is written and shared.

if you don't have internalized shame around sex and don't subscribe to patriarchal gender power roles, purity culture, property-based father-daughter relationships... there is nothing specifically taboo about fucking your dad's best friend. but in the context of our socially constructed norms it's a risque pairing that sets up a forbidden relationship that moves the story along and raises the suspense. and the characters themselves are usually written with those cultural values that portray the daughter's sexuality as reflecting on her father's honor even if you don't have those beliefs yourself. – like let's reaaaally consider why it’s taboo to fuck or date dad’s best friend…

or why it’s a cultural norm that dad’s get bent out of shape about who their daughters fuck…

or why virginity is treated like it reflects on a woman’s value….

why purity ceremonies exist…. 

we know that historically women have been treated as the patriarch’s property (dad or husband)... now dad has been betrayed by his best friend bc (following the patriarchy/property logic) he lowered his daughters value …his daughter betrayed his loyalty/disobeyed etc etc. 

and sure, maybe it’s not that deep to folks reading and writing and it’s just another drop in the bucket along with movies and tv shows and jokes about dad’s with shotguns on their porch and girls being shamed for being sexual while boys are praised…but it also continues to normalize those ideas by repeating them over and over

...so now we can see that the dbf trope in itself is rooted in patriarchal values which are intertwined with puritanical christian values that were spread (enforced) by settler colonization (to societies that had different beliefs and kinship models and gender roles etc.). 

and it’s not that christian values are racist, but that the historical context we live in—where puritanical patriarchal values are politicized and weaponized against marginalized folks like BIPOC, queer, disabled, etc.—means some of those values still prop up structural racism today

the dbf story model is starting from a foundation based on those values---and again, it’s not illegal to write that and it requires education and deconstruction work to see these patterns.

and it requires dedication to interrogate the beliefs they instill in us as individuals and our values—but if people want to change the narrative in a creative space where WE have creative control over the stories, then it’s worth:

1) considering for yourself what you’re reading and how it characterizes the characters and their dynamics

2) having empathy for BIPOC creators that continue to engage and write and share stories in this space even while systems that reinforce white supremacy are being idolized—intentionally or not. 

PERSONALLY i don’t care for big age gap fics bc I feel like the trope can easily reinforce the capitalist and colonial fetishization of youth = beauty and virginity = value/something for men to conquer

i don't find that trope personally relatable whether it's traditionally aligned with the values or somehow subverting or satirizing them but you can still learn from reading things you don't relate to and by reading those fics and being confused by the appeal i was inspired to think more critically about the underlying message and why they're so popular

i imagine there is appeal in controlling those dynamics by writing them for yourself or reading them in a way that highlights or frames the benefits for the reader

i'm sure some are written with intention and read with awareness and i also believe some are consumed without critical consideration for the messages being internalized -- and like.. i really don't care if you're into the kink of age gap or dbf -- i'm into masochism and degradation which obviously can perpetuate stereotypes and fetishization and colonial gender framework too

it's not about what women 'should' be able to write and read... it's just calling awareness to the fact that it goes beyond the power dynamics on the surface. i don't believe women should be shamed for whatever kink they have and at the same time when the pervasive kink being praised stems from patriarchal or colonial values that historically oppressed folks with different beliefs, features, gender roles, etc. then it's also valid for folks to critique the harm that might come from continuing to support those stories without uplifting any other viewpoints or narratives.. like if dbf joel x white coded reader was popular and at the same time soft joel x latine reader or black reader or desi reader or east asian reader or any other framework that intentionally doesn't center a white reader were also popular and all over the dash, then it wouldn't be as concerning. if the fandom was full of diverse stories and different value systems and gender roles then it wouldn't be as important to critique.

but one narrative reigns supreme in so many of the tropes bc the patriarchal/colonial values are ubiquitous bc colonizers did their job and the system reinforces itself as it was intended to

it's popular bc it's familiar and relatable to white people and keeps white people centered and comfortable

and if you're comfortable you're less likely to advocate for change

and if you're centered you're more susceptible to seeing non-white people or non-western values as 'other' and 'other' is the first step to dehumanizing people that don't look like you or believe in the same things as you, and it's easier to stay complacent when bad things only happen to 'other's or people you could consider 'less than human' dehumanizing others was historically the foundation for oppressing BIPOC and is being used as rhetoric TODAY (e.g. with conservative ideology in the US branding immigrants as 'others' to placate white folks into being unfazed when immigrants or brown citizens even have their rights violated or worse). aka there are real world consequences to accepting one narrative and upholding it. you don't have to come to tumblr and be an advocate and an ally-- but if you care about BIPOC and marginalized people and it's a part of your value system to be an ally or to be anti-racist then it's worth being critical of what you consume, create, and promote

as another thought experiment, walk with me: 

imagine if instead of the most popular fics being reader x joel (hbo joel) imagine if the most popular fics were AUs with joel x sarah’s mom (hbo sarah)... imagine what the fandom would feel like if the most popular pairing was joel and a Black woman?… how might white folks feel? how might BIPOC readers feel? imagine if instead of reader x javier peña being popular… imagine if there were AUs with javi x helena everywhere; or Dave York x carol or Clint Flood x Grace, OR imagine even if they weren’t even canon pairings but javi was most commonly written with a latine coded reader that could speak spanish with him? how would your dash be different? 

…i’m not saying those ideas should be the goal.. just maybe imagine what a space would feel like if it weren’t centered on white-coded women as the lovable and fuckable mc and sit with that hypothetical for a while… (and no it still wouldn’t be just flipping the system bc Black and brown folks still don’t have the systemic power and privilege in or out of the fandom) again… it’s not that people are writing these stereotypes or reinforcing hegemony intentionally and that’s because the system is working! it’s keeping the people in power in power by continuing to oppress non-white people (and queer folks and disabled folks and non-christian folks etc) from so many ‘drops in a bucket’ that the oppressed are drowning in an ocean and the white folks are floating on pool floaties and can’t even see how deep the water is.. like white people don’t have to think about a world where the ‘blank slate’ isn’t relatable to them bc it doesn’t exist in western culture and folks write what they know and learn from society and popular media and other fics.. so of course folks are rewriting and enjoying these tropes and they aren’t doing it with malicious intent and there are likely BIPOC folks who are used to the same narratives and find ways to relate or enjoy what they can… but there are also folks who have been faced with these systems of oppression so overtly, for so long they can’t unsee it… anyway, changing what tropes are popular won’t solve structural racism 

At the same time, giving folks a safe space to be in community, to share knowledge and learn together, and to be a space that doesn’t uphold white supremacy would make a difference for some folks and would be a drop into a new bucket so to speak. 

and, what we consume DOES impact our beliefs and values; and our values shape the relationships we build irl, and the way we vote, and the causes we fight for, and the passions we dedicate our lives to. so maybe on the surface it doesn’t seem that deep to praise a dbf one shot but it also doesn’t take a herculean effort to make a dbf one shot where the reader isn’t white coded, there isn’t a white girl in the moodboard, and where the ppcu character is more than a fetishized projection. even just start with one of those three.  i know it’s exhausting to have to do the work (reflecting and making critical choices) to consider the ethics of fanfic, but it’s exhausting for BIPOC folks to live in a world where they still are oppressed and microaggressed and targeted daily… and I, PERSONALLY, want to be someone that contributes to positive change i don’t mean you can’t have your favorite tropes, i just encourage you that if you’d like to be an anti-racist ally consider promoting/writing/reading any trope with intention and even interrogating your own beliefs as an exercise for your own personal growth (and maybe you still love those tropes and personally relate or enjoy them in a way that matters to you and that’s okay, we can all like different things) for example, i like infidelity fics—i get why a lot of people hate them and i think they can reinforce racialized narratives and colonial/patriarchal hegemony, too. i still enjoy the taboo of the dynamic and i’ve tried to write that trope with intention so that my characters are whole people not just a ‘dangerous latino’ that doesn’t stay faithful and writing a reader that is equally culpable in instigating and doesn’t just melt into his arms but talks back and has empowered sexuality and confidence etc. etc. those are things i think help to combat the basic racialized narrative and add something more complex even if it’s just small references to their inner emotions or lives or whatever else makes them more than a cardboard cutout.

and, i also fuck up. 

i love a toxic/fuckboy/emotionally constipated man trope (is there a better name for that? probably) which could easily fall into the same issues of the brown man being overly sexualized/fetishized, ‘dangerous’, ‘stoic’, etc. and i think i am guilty of reproducing these stereotypes in my fuckboy joel fic bc he’s flattened and sexualized and the dynamic is entrenched in the same narrative romanticizing coercion and helpless submission. I didn’t give him much depth or the reader a lot of overt internal conflict or awareness or obvious consent/willingness.. so i have just as much work to do in dismantling my own writing and desires tbh.

and like, i want to list a million excuses to defend it—’it was my first fic’, or ‘well, at least fuckboy joel isn’t the popular trope in the fandom’ but i know i would actually love it if that were the popular trope! 

i love that dynamic of the toxic/we shouldn’t but we can’t help it/but we’re not gonna communicate about this effectively/but maybe we’ll process our emotions through sex type of story, yep. i love emotionally avoidant disasters (bc they are relatable to me!). 

BUT those tropes without depth and/or with white-coded sexually submissive reader inserts.. it’s just as harmful as dbf fics with fetishized joel’s and fragile young reader inserts that are written without intention or examination. in fact, the longer i think about it, i should add an edit to my fuckboy joel fics and point out my own critique and maybe edit them (maybe then i’ll even figure out the end of the story bc it would probably help if i DID give joel more depth the whole time). I’m sure there’s more i can reflect on too. so anyway, i’ll repeat myself again: i don’t think structural racism and power, privilege, and oppression are systems that people are individually responsible for… but i do think that in this specific niche hobby where we are in control of what we create… we have an opportunity to uplift different narratives than traditional media and we have the power to be more diverse and inclusive than any network or editor would allow.. so, consume and produce whatever you want; reading a fic doesn’t make you a bad person. 

and at the same time, if you want to be an anti-racist ally then be critical of what you consume and promote and listen when BIPOC folk speak out about their concerns. 

I’m not great at simplifying concepts the way some folks are. I think dbf and age gaps often go hand in hand with white-coded readers and fetishized Joel’s which from a zoomed out perspective shows that people most enjoy reading those dynamics so more people keep writing them. But white-coded readers aren’t inclusive and perpetuate the ideas that women should be soft, fragile, aka the angel of the house (an ideology that says women are ‘naturally’ submissive and domestic) and fetishize Joel (a Latino character—when referring to the version played by pedro) by flattening him into a deviant or dangerous man controlled by lust. Maybe there are many dbf fics that have more nuance and interrogation of these stereotypes, but that isn’t clear from the copious moodboards of small white woman ankles and hands ya know? 

Hope some of this helps, feel free to make your own decisions and form your own opinions about what you want to read and write  someone accused me of hiding behind academic jargon and i'm aware that i'm not great at breaking down complex topics so if you have questions i can try again

[that-hippie-user]

Didn’t think I’d make it this far but i am now ready to use a diaper in all ways. What do you encourage doing once I’ve done my business? Want to make it a special time but I don’t have creative ideas

:3 if you have a vibe wand, they go amazingly with a wet diaperfront

X3 as my favorite writer/hypnotist Champ Teh Otter once said in a story "a wet diaper is basically a wearable pocket pussy"

🤤 so those and vibes go perfectly together~

X3 other than that, if yew messing, you might consider the absolute bliss AND humiliation of sitting in a chair with a MUSH is glorious. XD that DOES make cleanup more hellish, but that adds to the fun! X3 its even MORE humiliating if you made things worse for yourself.

X3 my girlfriend, aka unofficial wife, aka "friend for legal reasons" showed me this super early into our relationship.

>:3 this is an accurate description, and its made that much better with mushy diapees. X3 if you can hump yourself silly while prone on your hardwood floor or bed, maybe a pillow or plush beneath, you get some insane orgasms, an addictive new self-pleasure method, AND a nifty new erectile dysfunction!

... XD okay only if ya got a benis, haha.

(also holy hell is that Ash Crimson? XD this porn meme prophesized my hyperfixation with King of Fighters! X3 fitting the not-so-official gay one is the lil freak of the cast.)

>:3 and for the ULTIMATE fun, i recommend an old classic...

THE MARSHMALLOW CHALLENGE

X3 the idea is simple, take some decently sized mallows, stiffen them up in the freezer, lubricate them with warm water, and stick them up yur pooter!

X3 keep it a small amount, 3 or 4 average size mallows will do

@w@ as they dissolve, they become a powerful laxative, so the idea is to hold it till ya gotta pack yur pampies nice and good

IMPORTANT ADVICE WITH THIS METHOD

DONT do this if you are diabetic, for obvious reasons

:3 if yur not, then the only reasonable concern is that the sugar will stay there for a bit and take away some of your bowel control.

>:3 you heard me right, you'll have a hard time holding it in for a bit after this. X3 so consider it a taste of diaper training to come!

:3 be prepared for a somewhat stickier cleanup if ya do this.

X3 pace yourself of course, be sure you have precautions if cleanup becomes a hassle, try and be smart about your hedonism, AND REMEMBER...

:D HAVE FUN!!!

[dindjarindiaries]

rewatched mando s3 and logically i know bo-katan getting the darksaber back was the obvious, easier and more logical choice writing-wise but fuck it im still so torn bc

1) there's something ironically poetic about a legendary symbol of power and authority ending up in the hands of someone like din, who doesnt really want any of those things and therefore cannot be ruled by the importance and influence that the saber carries [effectively ending the long cycle of past conflict, corruption and war that it was often used for as well]

2) it would've been even more meaningful if bo-katan actually managed to unite all mandalorians without taking possession of the saber. if part of her "walking both ways" arc involved her letting go and realizing that she doesnt need a mere weapon to define her worth and ability to be the rightful ruler of her planet and her people

but those are my most rational thoughts about the subject. now the slightly irrational side of my brain says:

3) if bo really had to have something to secure her claim as the mand'alor then they could've maxxed out that cg budget, tweaked the plot a bit and have her go down the waters to tame the mythosaur and ride it into battle during the finale. cant think of anything better to convince all mandalorians that she was their true leader. and i guarantee it would've been cool as shit if she sorta just went "you can have that stupid sword i got a flippin DINOSAUR" and then used it to squash moff gideon to death in the boss fight idk

and last but not least

3) din just looks sexier and cooler with the darksaber im sorry. like have you seen the way that thing matches and fits perfectly with his aesthetic and armor?? and just the thought of how badass he would've looked if he actually learned to wield it?? lord jesus have mercy on my dark soul *tires screeching, cars crashing, people screaming, feral inhuman noises RAAAAAHHH*

anyways sorry for the ramble, i have no one to talk to and these are the newest late night thoughts plaguing my brain courtesy of my reignited din djarin hyperfixation so dont mind me, thank you and goodnight

No because you're so right! My problem with season 3 isn't really Bo-Katan at all. Yes, I do mourn the missed potential of Din perhaps coming into his own as a leader, but let's be honest... he wouldn't want that, and I don't think we would want that in the long run, either. It would turn his story into something completely different.

The problem really did rest with the Darksaber. It just... wasn't handled well at all, like you said. Making Bo continue to use the Darksaber as a justification to untie the Mandalorians and rule was disappointing, because this was a chance to have Bo prove her worth to her fellow Mandalorians with something other than a weapon that would end up being destroyed in the finale anyway.

As for Din, you're so RIIIIIGHT. He ATE THE DARKSABER UPPPPP. And we didn't get nearly enough of him actually using it WELL! It's still such a disappointment, and it's even more disappointing that they seemed to feel that he needed to be dumbed down a bit (in terms of his own capability/fighting skills) to uplift other characters, including Grogu.

I agree with the direction of the story overall as far as Bo-Katan is concerned, but I heavily disagree with the decisions surrounding Din's character. I am happy about where we ended up, though. Ultimately, Din's new path suits him. It's the same path he probably would have taken at the end of season 2 had Grogu not gone with Luke.

[lovelettersfrommai]

Rooms I Don’t Enter

Summary: You and Bucky live through each other’s worst memories. 

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x fem! Reader (HYDRA Experiment) 

A/N: Marvel brain rot is taking over post Thunderbolts*. I need to see it again IMMEDIATELY. Reader has fire and ice powers, reminiscent of a certain anime character…No I will not elaborate as to my involvement in the implied fandom. Not proofread, we die like men.  Also this is my first time writing for Bucky! Exciting stuff guys.

Word Count: 1,616

Disclaimers: I do not own the rights to anything Marvel related, I am merely a nerd who hyperfixates a lot.

Warnings !: Mentions of being abducted, vague body horror, reader gets forced to hurt someone, mentions of human experimentation. Bucky has healed from his past, but reader has not, hurt/comfort, angst?

MASSIVE THUNDERBOLTS* SPOILERS.

As soon as Bucky entered the void, he felt ice. Oh no. He thought to himself. No, no, no, no, no. He couldn’t be back here again. 

The hard substance pressed against his back as he landed in the ravine, right after his fall from the train all those years ago. All the wind had knocked out from his lungs, and he sat up abruptly, just in time to watch HYDRA soldiers drag his body across the floor, arm gone. He felt nauseous at the sight of it, his own body desecrated. The worst part is that he knew this was just the beginning. 

He needs to get the hell out of here.

~

The grass beneath your combat boots was a jarring sensation. Your head whips around, bewildered. A park? Weren’t you just in New York? Where did everyone else go? You look around. There’s a playground, and many trees. Picnic tables and benches where parents usually sit and watch their children, but right now it’s empty. Just you. It’s then that you hear a familiar sound. The music of an ice cream truck driving your way. It’s nice, almost peaceful, even.

If this weren’t a moment that you had literal nightmares about. 

It hits you then how you remember this place. This is the neighborhood park that you went to as a child. The one that you were abducted from. You watch as your younger self squeals happily, alone in the park. You had been saving up for the next time the ice cream man came around. 

“All alone today, young lady?” The man asks. Oh god, no. The younger version of yourself nods. You grab her wrist in an attempt to stop her from getting any closer, but she screams and the trees that were once just trees reach out and grab you, the branches twisting around your arms and physically pulling you away. You can do nothing but watch as you get taken. 

~

Bucky makes an effort to get out of the room, clawing at the walls. He realized that the room isn’t as big as it seems. He calls out, looking for somebody, anybody, and starts to punch at the ice with his metal arm. 

That isn’t me anymore. He thinks to himself. This is. 

At the same time, you use your powers to burn the branches keeping you away from your younger self. Ice shoots from your hands as you use it to propel yourself forward faster, ending at the truck’s hood. Looking in the tinted glass, you swear, if you look closely enough you can see-

“Bucky!” You call out, voice shaky, and limbs tired from the effort of sustaining your powers. Bucky turns his head. He heard you. You take a deep breath then smash the glass of the windshield with your bare hands, jumping through it and straight into Bucky. 

~

The moment you tackle him, you’re transported into a new place. Bucky recognizes the place immediately. He sees Zola’s face and internally cringes, wanting to punch the man. He huffs. It wouldn’t do anything here. He’s not gonna let this undo all the work he’s put in to bettering his mental health. You both just need to get out. 

It’s then that Bucky hears the words. His spine straightens as a shiver rolls down it. He knows they can’t hurt him now. They’re powerless in his deprogrammed mind, and yet he can’t help the way fear grips his chest. You grab his hand, and he is immediately brought back to earth. You’ve always been such a grounding force for him, and he can’t help but want to kiss you senseless for the kindness you’ve always shown him. 

The both of you have a long history together. You didn’t always see each other when you both were still under HYDRA, but even in his altered state Bucky knew you. Maybe that’s why once he pulled Steve from the river, he went to get you next. Together, the both of you look for a way to get out of the lab. When your foot hits a loose tile on the lab floor, you know this is likely it. You wordlessly gesture at it to Bucky, who instantly gets the memo, smashing it with his metal arm. 

Once you crawl through the hole in the floor, the two of you fall to the ground, entering a completely different space. Your hands come up behind Bucky’s head, making sure it doesn’t get badly hurt as you tumble into a cool concrete floor. Bucky’s arms wrap around your torso, making sure he takes the brunt of the impact. Once you finally settle into the new space, you press your forehead to his briefly kissing his cheek as you let out a breath of relief.

~

“Where are we now?” You mutter. The place feels familiar but it’s a tad too dark to make anything out. 

“You know where we are. The question is who are we going to see?” He murmurs lowly. It hits you then. The cold concrete floors, the darkness, the distinctive smell of dampness and a buildup of mold and mildew. You’re back in the basement cells. The place HYDRA kept you in between missions and sessions of “experiments” in the lab. It’s after the realization hits you, that you, younger you,  is ushered into the room harshly. You’re older now. Still far too young, but now in your early 20’s. It hits you then what exactly this memory is. You push Bucky’s head away, not wanting him to see what happened, but he stubbornly watches. 

What he doesn’t expect is to see himself, moreso, the winter soldier. He’s suddenly hit with a wave of nausea. Did he hurt you? He thought most of his memories were recovered, so why couldn’t he remember this? More importantly, why didn’t you tell him? 

“Doll…What is this? What did I do?” He asks, hands darting out to grab your shoulders. He doesn’t mean to squeeze as hard as he does, but you see the sense of urgency and more importantly, the signs of panic that cross his features. You shake your head emphatically, hands coming up to rest on his elbows in reassurance. 

“It’s not what you did…It’s what I did.” One of the guards start to speak to the both of you in Russian. He goes on about testing your abilities on a real subject, and you watch as you scramble on the floor. 

“Th-the doctors said I was done with testing today…” she tries to say. One of the guards grab her face harshly. 

“I know. This is just for fun…consider it target practice.” He replies. Bucky can only watch with sadness as you try to refuse, knowing it couldn’t have ended well. Meanwhile, your eyes fill with tears, the memory still causing guilt to eat at your consciousness. He walks over to the memory version of you, kneeling beside her as she too moves onto her knees, fire and ice powers activating. He pushes a stray hair behind your ear before pressing his forehead against your head. 

“It’s okay. You had no choice. I’m sorry…” He mutters into her ear. It won’t change anything. Won’t make you feel any better about doing it in the future, but that doesn’t matter right now. 

You watch him for a moment before trying to find a way out. The door that the guards pushed you through. You push and pull at the knob, and when that doesn’t work, you start kicking desperately. Anything to escape the agonizing past screams of your current lover. It eventually gives. You turn around to get Bucky. With one last comforting kiss to past you’s head, he stands up straight and jogs over to you, grabbing your hand and pulling you through the door to the next room. 

~

Once the two of you get to the next room, you attempt to seek respite for just a moment. Your hands come up over your ears, squeezing your eyes shut tightly. Bucky has never seen you like this. If anything, you are usually the stronger one in the relationship, always pulling him from the dark place. Now, as he looks at you, he recognizes just how vulnerable you seem, your actions reminding him of a child who is just trying to shut out the rest of the world. He takes a deep breath before approaching you.

“I’m sorry.” You apologize. Bucky shakes his head and gently cups your cheek with his flesh hand. 

“Don’t apologize for doing what you had to do to survive.” It’s a phrase that you’ve said to him time and time again. When the nightmares turn him into an insomniac and the skeletons hidden in his closet come out in full force. 

“...I didn’t know how to tell you.” His metal fingers wrap around one of your wrists, pulling your hand away from your ears and back to your sides, repeating it with your other arm. 

“I understand. There’s probably nobody else in this world who would understand but me.” Through all the time that you’ve been together, Bucky knows you. The same way that you know him. He’s never had this sort of closeness in his life, and it was only because you stubbornly refused to give up on him. Just like Sam. Just like Steve. Whatever he has accomplished after leaving HYDRA was the combined effort of both of you. If you weren’t gonna give up on him, why would he ever give up on you?

You let him hold you for a while, before finally accepting his words. You prepare yourself for whatever it is that might come next. 

“Let’s go help our friends.” 

[eriquin]

WIP Weekend

Emoji time. Send me one and I'll post sentences. Tagged by @vthx, @hbyrde36, @pearynice, @sourw0lfs, and @tinytalkingtina.

👑 Crown of Thorns

🔮 The Oracle of Roane County

🐈‍⬛ Cat's in the Cradle

½ Zeno's Paradox

I am chaperoning a school trip tomorrow so probably won't write until late. So be it.

Progress Chart:

Also, stuff's getting rewritten. Snippet from Crown of Thorns behind the cut.

“I wanted to pick your brain about powers stuff,” he said. “But if you’re busy—”

“Yeah, nevermind all that,” he said, still pacing. He clasped his hands together and looked like he was either trying to calm himself down or psyche himself up for something. “Dustin, can I ask you a hypothetical question?”

Dustin raised his eyebrows. He was very tempted to just answer yes and hear what Eddie wanted to tell him, but it seemed dishonest. “You know that when you say something is ‘hypothetical’ it just makes me assume that whatever you’re about to tell me is real and about you, right?”

Eddie grimaced, sucking at his teeth. “It’s not about me,” he said. “It might be real. I would like to keep it as anonymous as possible.”

That was enough to make him think about it. He took a seat on the bed. “All right. Ask your hypothetical question.”

Sentences will be posted on my blog and people tagged. Here's some context links:

Crown of Thorns

Cat's in the Cradle

The Oracle of Roane County

Zeno's Paradox

Tagging: @just-my-latest-hyperfixation, @helpimstuckposting, @queenie-ofthe-void, @queenofshenanigans, @maxfandoms,

@apomaro-mellow, @patchworkgargoyle, @kedreeva, @xenogears, and @slowandsteddie

[just-some-sorta-person]

Can I ask, who are your top 7 favorite romantic relationship's couples in books/ manga/ anime/movies/tv series/etc (can be canon or non-canon) and your top 10 favorite characters ever from any media? Why do you love them all? Thanks if you want to answer....

Sure!

Ships (in rough order)

Nagireo from Blue Lock

my current obsession, going on strong for like more than a year by now. Also the first ship where I actually interacted with fandom meaningfully for a prolonged people of time instead of mostly ghosting. They’re really special to me! I think something I like about them is how core their relationship is to their story, and exploring their characters. It makes fan content and AUs really interesting and fun. In my opinion, a lot of their issues would still exist without blue lock, and they’d have to work them out in any setting, and I think that’s neat.

Satosugu From Jujutsu Kaisen

my past obsession, I spent a great deal of time with them as well before moving on to nagireo. Something I think of when it comes to stsg is the idea of an unfulfilled love that’s not lesser or weaker by virtue of being unfulfilled. I really like the idea that Gojo’s last words to geto were “I love you”, said for the first time at the end for this reason. Well, I am an angst enjoyer. I also enjoy the concept of love not being enough. Gojo and Geto’s individual relationship to power and agency is pretty cool to dive into too, the roles they had to fill in society and such. Their diverging paths. A good ship can’t be made with bad/uninteresting characters after all and I like all the character study fics out there.

those're kinda the two big ones.

Yuudai X Taisei from Sakana

Read sakana here right this moment its very special to me

Ah yes the awkwardness of drunk kissing your coworkers bestie that you're certain is way too good for you. I love love love them so much. They're just very comforting to me. Anxious eel and silly octopus (all of the cast of characters have assigned aquatic organisms). The comic as a whole deals a lot with anxiety, which is really cathartic, but I think in general its really nice seeing Yuudai opening up to people. I also like Yuudai's pessimism and skittery abrasive personality being balanced out by Taisei's optimism and cheerfulness. They also just make for some funny interactions that I've really liked reading heheh

Vanoe from Vanitas no Carte-

It’s the great gatsby vibes, the sunshine character and the deeply traumatized character who doesn’t see themselves as lovable, etc. I really love them and may or may not have made a slide deck presentation on Vanitas no carte for powerpoint night with my friends and 1/3 of it was centered around them.

Ludovica X Luck from Tiger Tiger-

Since this isn't an anime/is probably more obscure, here's the link to Tiger Tiger! Independently published by the artist and free to read, though you can also buy the first book to read in bookstores and such. I genuinely recommend it so much.

Ludovica and Luck are just so funny together, I love them so much. It's an eldritch doomsday god and the hyperfixated-on-sea-sponges mad scientist said being wants to impress. what is there not to like? its chaos x chaos but 2 different flavors. Also the source material is great, and very queer. #stealing your brother's ship to study sea sponges and getting caught up in doomsday. Also him and his 2nd mate are in love but dont realize bc reasons. Its great.

Bachirin from Blue Lock-

grumpy x sunshine always gets me. Plus their parallels and the whole loneliness thing. It’s a great ship- though what really sold me was reading fics like The Sun Will Come up. They really have so much potential.

Kide X Coel from Project Novos

another comic free to read here except this one has.. been on hiatus since 2022.. cries. I think the author has mentioned getting back to it though. Project Novos fulfills my childhood friends to enemies that dont actually hate each other to lovers dreams. The plot follows a government conspiracy and uprising but the story centers around Coel and Kide's relationship, which I do expect to be carried out romantically despite not being explicit so far (in part because it is not a mainstream manga).

This too, also follows the more optimistic character x a more pessimistic traumatized character trope... I have a type ok

... the ship list kinda turned into a bit of a rec list, but with some exceptions, my enjoyment of a relationship tends to do a lot with my enjoyment of the story its in unless I get fixated so...

hmm other ships ive liked... narumi x hirotaka from wotakoi.. hualian from tgcf, bingqui from svsss.... wait actually, there's too many lets move on.

Characters

Let's limit it to one character per show/series/etc to make this easier and avoid me just being like "the whole cast of sakana" or "the whole cast of tiger tiger" or "These characters from Dungeonmeshi..." too many options...

this is in no particular order. Also you might notice a lot of these characters come from the ships above

Yuudai Tanaka from Sakana

I like seeing characters suffer from anxiety, especially in a more ugly way, because I suffer from anxiety, and while I'm a lot nicer than Yuudai, I get frustrated when anxiety is portrayed in a way that may seem "cute" because it really doesn't feel "cute" hahaha. I mean, being anxious can mean being shy sometimes, which I can understand finding cute, but it can also mean being avoidant, skittish, or less friendly.

Ludovica Bonnaire from Tiger Tiger

She's chaotic, she's sweet, she's adorable, she's remarkably intelligent, she's fixated on sea sponges and wants to learn more about them! I really love Ludovica. She feels really refreshing as a character- a woman of science who's bubbly, excitable, and chaotic. She's kind of naive, but not at all dumb or incompetent. She falls into the mad scientist category without it defining her character. She doesn't let anything stop her but isn't somehow perfect, and she's incredibly funny. She's just great!

Nagi Seishiro from Blue Lock

Just.. look at him. he has a cactus, that's like plus 20 points

I have a soft spot for characters that are more subtly lacking in life and struggling, but aren't conscious of it. Also characters that discover that there's more to life than they first thought. Nagi seems fine on the outside, but if you look at some of his habits, they're actually rather concerning - subsisting off jelly packets, thinking life is a pain, getting a cactus to practice talking to people because he hadn't TALKED in so long. One of the nicest/most meaningful things his parents said to him that made him happy being "Don't die".. I also enjoy his disconnect from other people, and how he doesn't really understand the world around him.

I also like the space he occupies within the blue lock canon as a “hidden path”, and the contrast he presents in comparison to the other characters. I think Nagi is made more interesting by being a side character to Blue Lock than if he was the true main character. Idk if that’s a controversial take to have about your fav haha but really I think being the main character of a spinoff is the best place he could be. His situationship with the most important person in his life that he met 6 months ago is great too.

Greed from Fullmetal Alchemist

I LOVE the concept of the friendship is magic character being greed itself. I like the idea of interpersonal love being related to greed. Greed is wanting things, and it is often villainized, but wanting things is the basis of so much more than what we usually associate with greed - and in fact, some of our deepest wants are related to love - in all the forms it takes. Anyways, Greed is very special to me.

Vanitas from Vanitas no Carte

I just love a character who hates themselves so much that they won't let themselves be loved, but they don't have a gloomy exterior to reflect that (making it harder to tell).

Geto Suguru from Jujutsu Kaisen

I think I just love a guy who put so much pressure on himself to torture himself doing the right thing that he crashed out and did all the bad things. I see it as kind of the downfalls of needing everything to be simple and solvable. Geto preserved his sense of control and the livability of his own life, at the expense of becoming a bad person. That's something to explore, to me.

Him being gay (for his bff) is also a plus

Hirotaka Nifuji from Wotakoi

I have a tendency to like characters I find relatable. I haven't watched Wotakoi in awhile but I remember really resonating with Hirotaka. Because I haven't rewatched in awhile it's kinda just a vibe rn tho haha I can't really explain it.. But maybe it has something to do with the muted/quieter way he tends to express himself, despite still having his own inner world.

Anya Forger from Spy Family

I don't really relate to Anya at all, and I don't have any complicated reasons for this. She's just a cutie patootie who deserves the world

Laios Touden from Dungeon meshi

I love Laios and its definitely because I find him relatable. His difficulty connecting with people, his fixation on monsters, his appreciation of food... And I really like how his difficulty connecting with people and him being a weirdo is paired with a genuine desire to connect with them, and do good, as well as leadership skill.

I wanna eat living armor too...

Mafuyu Sato from Given

Given actually got me through a really hard time at one point, so its really special to me. Mafuyu's journey in general is very special to me, especially as someone who has had trouble expressing/processing their feelings before too.

[new-tella-us]

Seduce Me Situations!

Cause I'm bored! And it's been a while.

Did yall miss my yapping? I hope so because I am back with some

✨️✨️Disorder Headcanon!✨️✨️

Yeah sure canonically I don't think demons are capable of mental disorders or at the very least they can't be born with them but I shot canon months ago so...

James has two disorders in my mind. Autism and OCD. Now before you come for my neck with that second one, it's not because he's super proper and organized. I feel like due to trauma he has this compulsion to check up on everyone at a certain time (maybe like the evening) and check and lock doors. Like even if the door is locked, he will relock it to make sure it's extra locked yknow? Gotta make sure no one breaks in! I think the Malix event made that compulsion worse since now it's justified. As for the tism, I mean... come on. He's the gifted child that can learn anything, struggles with understanding or accepting some of his emotions and struggles with understanding social cues to the point that he can come off as condescending?

Come on. The tism associations are right there.

Erik... lowkey he's neurotypical in my mind. I mean, he 100% struggles with his emotions and masks. But in my mind, that's not because of any mental disorders, it's because he was lowkey groomed. He needs therapy and to get hobbies.

Sam I think also has some compulsive tendencies but I would argue it's habit, not a disorder. He had to check up on Damien to make sure he was alive because there was a valid chance that he would be dead. Once that immediate danger was gone, he maintained the habit but it would fade with time. I can see him having some brand of Depersonalisation-derealisation disorder. A constant feeling of disconnect like watching a particularly boring movie. His brothers, annoying as they may be to him, bring his world some form of color.

Matthew... Now I can argue ADHD or Autism but I might not. I do think he has tendencies. Or at least one tendency. And that's hyperfixation on cooking. You mean to tell me that he's possibly surpassed James in cooking? The man that canonically has the power of fast learning? Matthew surpassed that?? Nah, that's passion. But other than that, he's probably the most mentally stable.

Damien, Autism. 100%. Like LOOK AT HIM.

Do you think there were any thoughts behind that man's eyes beside "She seems injured, I should carry her." No consideration for social cues whatsoever. He breaks into her room and holds her while she's sleeping because she seems to be having a nightmare. And somehow it doesn't come off as creepy (to me) that is PEAK tism.

Also he's damn near silent around strangers but gets fairly chatty around loved ones?

He truly like me fr.

So yeah. Autism. And probably depression and PTSD because godDAMN his backstory is horrific.

[diz-eaze]

No thought. Head empty. Only thinking about the reader running away with the kid Albedo forced on them and either having Kaeya hide us away for himself (I'm nothing if not completely messy as shit and obsessed with thickening the plot) or better yet, Kaeya being in on it and only offering to "hide us" so he can make sure we don't get too far from Albedo-

It goes one of three ways for me.

Option one is the "messy mess" option where like maybe there's a bit of a triangulation going on where Kaeya is also interested in reader along with Albedo, and the reader just happened to fall right into his lap when they escaped and ran off with the kid. He just keeps the reader and the kid hidden, absolutely steps the fuck up even though the kid isn't allowed to leave the place they're hidden (he swears he keeps them both under house arrest to make sure they don't out themselves). Maybe he even gets extra mind fucky with the reader and feeds into their paranoia by using their fear of Albedo against them.

"No, you can't possibly go to the other Knights and report him. He's already filled a missing person's case and convinced everyone that you had a mental snap, they won't believe you like I do". "No, I can't let you stay with Diluc. He's already busy as is, and besides, it'd draw too much attention if I suddenly started visiting every week, don't you think?". "No, I can't let you run to Liyue. It's far too dangerous for you to run alone, and even if I escorted you, it'd at best draw attention and, at worst, implicate me for not reporting a missing person". Excuses on top of excuses

There's option 2 where the reader THINKS they struck gold when Kaeya offers to let them stay to hide from Albedo, but really, he's actually helping Albedo by keeping them stuck in Mondstadt still. To add some spice to it, taking some elements from option 1, perhaps Albedo offered Kaeya "a piece" of the reader in exchange for him keeping them preoccupied. Whether that means both of them are negotiating who gets sent to the cuck chair on what days of the week or whether Albedo just cuts the bullshit entirely and just creates a copy of the reader somehow is up to interpretation (I live and breathe the Cuck Kaeya agenda though so like, I already know where my heart lies, that man's ass belongs in that chair)

Or if you want to have a more innocent take to option 2 there's option 3, where maybe Kaeya just assumed, "Okay, they ran with the kid, but maybe they just had an argument with Albedo, I'll keep them here and ask Albedo about it and see if I can get them to talk it out since there's a kid involved now". He ends up bringing it up to Albedo casually as coworkers would, and of course, Albedo just plays along and is like "Yeah we did, would you mind letting me see them so we can work it out?". Maybe Albedo pulls an absolute power move and even asks Kaeya to be a mediator for the talk so he can pressure the reader in a way. A sort of "You can go ahead and tell him the truth, but I'm going to be right here when you do, and I can't promise there won't be consequences for it".

Bonus option, because I am not only the messiest mess to have ever messed, I am in the terminal stages of hyperfixation brainrot (read: I am obligated to bring my fixation into any scenario I make up, no matter how hard I am shoehorning it, otherwise I will spend the next 7 hours pacing my room talking to a non-existent "chat" about it): Reader was originally Wanderer's actual girlfriend but ended up going missing during the last Windblume, the literal one singular time he let her go do something without him, and he keeps hitting roadblocks when trying to figure out what happened to them because Chalk Boy and "the singer Prince on a budget" (Read: Albedo and Kaeya) are working in tandem to essentially cover the whole thing up since they're both in the Knights. Maybe (based on the recent quest) Albedo covers it up using the cover story of "Oh no, she seemed to have been one of the victims who was unfortunately attacked and replaced. No one read into why we have absolutely no physical evidence to corroborate this, or witness testimony to even imply that this could have been a possibility in the first place, or no explanation as to why they'd target a tourist from Sumeru who went missing months before the replacement incidents were ever even picked up on to begin with. It's just unfortunate."

Now that I think about it, head not empty. Head too full. Head need to be emptied. Head need splurge.

the scara jumpscare at the end had me feeling like this (affectionate):

anyways let me go over them one by one 🤓☝️

option 1 is SO interesting because we don't really know what kaeya is capable of outside the standard swordsmanship expected of being a captain. with him being a khaenri'ahn, there's a plausible chance that there's some hidden, unknown power brewing within him. think of arlecchino with the balemoon curse except kaeya's powers are hidden because it's being saved for the endgame, i mean who said that. but with albedo, on the other hand, he takes after rhinedottir a LOT, and this is outright stated in the 5.6 quest. his idealizations and pursuit of life mimic hers, and we're more aware of what his capabilities are now.

and seeing how rhine is a crazy bitch i wouldn't past albedo being a crazy bitch either. like he's already immoral at some points, what difference does it make if he murders kaeya alberich xoxo. but on the assumption that kaeya indeed has hidden powers, i can see the both of them standing toe to toe should a confrontation ever arise. they're both yans, so albedo will eventually slip through cracks and gaps until he finds a hint or discovery pertaining to your new residence. which just so happens to be at the cavalry captain's apartment in mondstadt.... and of course, kaeya isn't one to back down from a challenge, not when you and your child are on the line.

but let's say that albedo never discovers where you are, because kaeya absolutely made sure that there's no trace left behind after you sought out his 'help'. what then? the infant will grow up wondering why their eyes are different from both of their parents (i like to think that the synth baby has your hair and albedo's eyes) and when they bring up the topic of that during dinner, they're immediately brushed off before the conversation shifts back to a previous subject. they'll grow up wondering why they and their mother can never leave the house under any circumstances. as they grow up and gain more knowledge of the world around them, i think the yearning for freedom will eventually cause them to rebel and sneak out once while their parents are sleeping. and that action will cause albedo to discover where they've been all this time. yikes.

as for option 2, i'm gonna be real with you gang i don't see much of the appeal in a yandere sharing their darling,,,, 😣😣😣i like the concept though ! the only thing that really gets me going to that trope is if the yan's occupation/social standing is literally at the bottom of the barrel which prevents them from any power imbalance or manipulation tactics, so they're forced to resort to other means. BUT I AM VERY MUCH INTO KAEYA CUCKING 🤭🤭🤭 i think in this version, kaeya's literally just a guy who's waiting for his horses to come back, no severe deranged freaky whatsoever.

and this normal, sane guy just happened to be into you :( so when you approach him to hide from albedo, he's positively appalled. like he just laughs out of disbelief when you straight up tell him you were kidnapped and forced to take care of a synthetic baby, before it tapers off into silence once he registers you being deadass. he ushers you two into his abode, and when albedo finds out you're staying over at kaeya's, he dangles the promise of sharing you over his head. like ooooh you want that cookie so effing bad kaeya trust albedo, he'll definitely share (y/n)! :))) and maybe kaeya isn't actually a normal guy because a normal guy wouldn't accept albedo's negotiation. no normal guy would lead the devil into their own house to collect what's been stolen from him. unfortunately, the next time kaeya wakes up, he's in the cuck chair and is forced to watch the girl he's very much into get railed seven days a week. he never truly gets the chance to get a crumb of that cookie because albedo turned out to be a lying bastard who's too possessive to let anyone else touch his wifey :D what an asshole, let's put that chalk prince back on trial with the charge of turning kaeya into a cuck >:(

and option 3 kaeya,,, MY SHAYLAAA 😭😭😭 he's just trying to see the best out of everyone so he gives albedo the benefit of the doubt and tricks his mind into justifying why you're on the run from your 'boyfriend' 😭😭but he's also a dummy dumb dumb because howww can you not believe the victim </333 he put the bro as top priority i can't believe his ass. (y/n) has that thousand yard stare when albedo twists the door open only to reveal fuckass albedo behind him. he sits him down and kaeya acts as your couple therapist </333 this is the last thing you needed but ok. :/

bonus option has me giggling so bad,,, twirling my hair kicking my feet actually. like guyssss,,, don't fight over (y/n) so much !! 😣😣😣there's more than enough of her to go around. or not. this is like a yandere survival horror game where you have to get past these psychos lmfaooo. imagine being scara and losing your girlfriend the moment she steps foot outside of sumeru, so now your abandonment issues are 100% justified !! and after so many years of hitting a dead end, the cold case cracks open and you finally see the love of your life, only to see that there's a child that looks like her clinging onto the back of her skirt.... like what. with kaeya to factor in, maybe albedo also made a synthetic baby that's a mix of you and kaeya as a treat,,,,

wandy has the crashout of the history once it sinks into his mind.