#the pandemic kind of ruined my plans in 2020 and I’m just trying to get by for now

[comm-caribou]

Don’t mind me venting for a minute.

It’s really annoying how I graduated seven years ago from high school, and the “adults” in my life—who I don’t really know—still like to put their two-cents into my life.

Originally when I went to college, I went to this university for English Education major. The goal was to be a high school English teacher, but that wasn’t the whole story.

Let’s cut to the chase. I ended up switching majors to Creative Writing, and I was happier. However, due to the pandemic, I dropped out with the intention of going back later to finish elsewhere.

Fast forward to today, a lady who I personally don’t really know and my parents know through someone else, came through my line at the grocery store.

Barely greeting me, she immediately started grilling me about why I’m not a teacher yet since I should be out of college by now. Then, when I told her I didn’t go to school for teaching, she began berating me. At my job! In front of other customers and my coworkers!

It was like she was disappointed in me for not meeting her expectations, and I don’t really know or remember who she is.

Then, after she paid, she asked what my major was.

What she did after made my blood boil.

She smirked. This lady, who probably only knows me as my parents’ daughter, smirked and said:

“You can’t do anything with that anyways.”

[detroit-grand-prix]

Wildest Dreams Chapter 24 - Look What You Made Me Do

Chapter summary: The 2021 season begins with mid-winter testing. Bee deals with her rising profile in the motorsport world, and a crash in wet conditions tests a work relationship.

Content warning: N/A

Chapter word count: 4,441

Author's Notes: Here we are, at the beginning of the end. This chapter is kind of lean, but I'm really just trying to transition from 2020 to 2021 here. The 2021 season is as far as I have planned this story. I also probably won't spend a lot of time on each individual race, because there's one in particular that I want to focus on. However, the Bottas/Russell crash in Imola was too ripe of a narrative opportunity to let go, so I had to take it. Here's some articles about the incident if you want to read about it: 1 / 2 / 3 And a video of Toto & George talking about it later on. Oh, the museum exhibit mentioned is real! I was just there a this past spring, it's incredible. There's really nothing about F1 in there (other than a graphic that has an F1 car for a size comparison). I was a little surprised there wasn't anything about Americans who HAVE raced in F1, but it is what it is. But if you're ever in Michigan and get a chance to go to The Henry Ford, I definitely recommend it.

Bahrain International Circuit, Sakhir, Southern Governorate, Kingdom of Bahrain March 12, 2021

Bee’s winter break was busy, once again. It never just seemed to be a break. But given how busy the season was, a lot of things got pushed off to the winter break. It had been happening every year since she’d joined the GP3 series.

She spent most of it back in the United States, which was strange for her, but she had a few engagements.

First up was the FIA’s 2020 Prize Giving Gala. It happened, but in a strange virtual format. Bee put in the effort of doing her hair, makeup, and wearing an elegant evening gown (another Christian Siriano dress - she didn’t dress up much, but she did like his dresses a lot), just to sit in an office at the Williams factory and attend an awkward Zoom-based ceremony. She did win Rookie of the Year, which was a surprise to her - she was the only rookie in F1 that season, but anyone across any FIA-sanctioned series was eligible. 

She spent Christmas in Stuttgart with her parents before going to the US for press and media obligations that the Williams PR team had set up. When hearing that Bee would be in the states over the holidays, her aunts wanted to do a big family Christmas together, but Bee put her foot down. It was a terrible idea with the state of the pandemic in the United States. It was enough of a hassle to go to the US for her work obligations, let alone participate in family gatherings. 

She explained in the family group chat that she was grateful that the family wanted to get together because it wasn’t very often that they could, but said that “I’m not going to risk getting sick and ruining my season before it even starts. I’m not going to the US for fun, anyway, it’s for PR stuff, and I probably won’t have much time.” She added that “Lewis says he’s still feeling the effects of it and he was sick weeks ago.” 

Bee’s mom said there was a little bit of behind-the-scenes sour grapes amongst her sisters - they thought Bee was acting like she was too good for the family, but Josephine stuck up for her daughter, saying that it was too big of a risk to her career for now, and nobody should be gathering anyway. 

A museum in Detroit - a rather large one, called The Henry Ford, had announced they were adding her to an upcoming permanent exhibit, which was called “Driven To Win: Racing In America”. The docent that had called her told her that they originally weren’t planning on including much about Formula 1, as it wasn’t an American racing series, but having an American woman achieve some minor degree of success in the series forced them to make a last-minute change. 

She would be featured in the exhibit along with Danica Patrick, who was Bee’s IndyCar counterpart of sorts - the most successful woman in the history of American open-wheel racing, as opposed to Formula 1/European racing. Danica had actually been scheduled to test in Formula 1 in 2008, way before Bee’s time, but the team she was going to test for pulled out of the sport, and eventually Danica decided she was too old to switch racing series. They had requested that she donate any race-worn items from the season to display, which would be added to the museum’s permanent collection. They preferred the gear she was wearing in Monza, as that was where she’d achieved a points finish. She donated a set of her gear - suit, gloves, shoes, fireproofs, and her spare helmet from Monza. They specified race-worn items, but her Monza helmet meant too much to her to give it to a museum. The only place it would be displayed would be on her bookshelf in her apartment.

Finally, pre-season testing came back around, but it was in Bahrain instead of Barcelona. It was strange, in a way, but Bee thought that she wouldn’t miss the relative chill of the Spanish springtime… until she stepped out of the hotel and felt the swell of a 100-degree heat hit her face. 

“Nope, I take it back,” Bee said to George as they got out of the car at the track. “I’ll take Barcelona any day. At least you can put more layers on, you can only take so much off.” 

It was always a little strange coming back after break, it was like the first day of school in a new school year. Bee was always curious to see how things shook out with teams and drivers after silly season. She’d always see moves happening when announcements came across social media, but it was always another matter to see new drivers with their teams.  

This year, there were a few new faces - Haas had hired Mick Schumacher, Michael Schumacher’s son, who had won the previous F2 season. They’d also promoted their reserve driver, Nicholas Latifi, to a regular driver. AlphaTauri had a rookie from Japan named Yuki Tsunoda, also rising up from Formula 2. Renault had been renamed to Alpine, with a new livery and colors, and had hired Fernando Alonso, who had apparently retired in 2018. Sebastian had left Ferrari for what had previously been known as Racing Point, and was now Aston Martin, replacing Sergio Perez, who replaced Alex Albon at Red Bull. Alex Albon was now racing for Red Bull’s DTM team.

Williams debuted the FW43B at testing. It was the first Williams F1 car designed without the actual Williams family at the helm. It had a new, two-toned blue livery with touches of a goldenrod yellow color to pay homage to the team’s past colors. Sir Frank had stepped down, but Claire had agreed to stay on as team principal for one last season to transition the team. 

Bee had driven the car at a shakedown in February, and she was very encouraged by it. The Williams F1 car had come a long way since the FW41 that Bee thought was trying to actively kill her - it was nice to see that the input she and George gave was being taken to heart. The car felt fast, it was easy to drive, responsive - still nothing like the various iterations of Mercedes’ she’d driven during testing sessions, but at least she didn’t feel like the car was trying to kill her anymore.

She had also set a goal for the season. She hasn’t told anybody but Toto about it, because it still sounded far-fetched. It was her goal to be on a podium this year, and she had been doing all she can to make that a reality. There would be more chances this year, too - the F1 schedule had been put back to 22 races again, including the United States Grand Prix.

“Finally,” Bee thought when she saw the Circuit of the Americas on the schedule. “I’ll get to race there, at home.” As much as she considered Germany to be home, she was still an American, and she had the most support from American fans who had discovered the sport through Netflix by far. The docuseries hadn’t hurt the sport’s visibility, but the desire for an American driver for American fans to support very much worked in her favor. And it wasn’t that she didn’t have fans in Europe or Asia, but there were still editorials in British papers and magazines every week from the sport’s old guard who lamented the loss of the Grid Girl and thought that that was the only way someone like her should be allowed on track. Even when they were complimentary of her it seemed like they were putting her down - she remembered seeing a quote in the press from Bernie Ecclestone, the former owner of Formula 1, calling her ascension to Formula 1 a “good PR move” for Williams that had nothing to do with her ability to drive a car. It upset her at first, so early on in her debut season, but now it was just a tired argument. Better to just ignore them. 

She wanted to do well this season overall, but especially wanted to do well in Austin. It would be her first time racing there because F2 and F3 didn’t race there. 

“You know, I’ve never actually been to the United States.” Emilia said when Bee showed her the updated schedule. “Wait… no, I think we took a family trip to New York City when I was young, but I don’t remember it very well”.

“Oh. Texas is completely different. The US is so big that going to different parts of it feels like going to an entirely different country.  That’s what it felt like the first time I went there. I hope you like Mexican food.” Bee said. “It’s amazing there.” 

“I… don’t think I’ve ever tried it. Not that I can remember.”

“Oh, you’re in for a treat, then. We’ll need to ask Danny for recommendations when we go. Sometimes, I think he’s even more American than I am.” 

Paddock restrictions and team bubbles also eased considerably once they’d gotten to Bahrain. She could now, say, go to the Mercedes hospitality area and have breakfast with Susie, who was there for testing. It was almost strange to see her in-person again, it had been so long. They regularly messaged each other and FaceTimed, but Bee missed her. 

“I saw your interview in Vogue,” she said. That was one of the interviews and photoshoots that Bee had gone to do over break. “I loved it. I always love reading your interviews. I save every single one of them, you know. And I loved the outfits they picked for you - you looked amazing.”

“Oh,” Bee said, blushing a little. “I liked a few of them, like that suit they gave me - I loved it, I ended up buying it. Same with that red dress, that was Siriano, so I called him to buy it and he just gave it to me. It’s weird that I’m friendly with a fashion designer, honestly. But some of them just weren’t… me, I guess, like that short top with all of the cutouts? I don’t even remember what designer it was, but it was just uncomfortable. And I’ve never liked wearing high heels, so all of the standing shots were a bit dicey. I kept thinking I was going to roll my ankle.”

“That’s where you and I have always been a little different.” Susie said. “You’re much more of a tomboy than me. I love getting dressed up for shoots and things like that. Not that that’s a bad thing, but I think you’re what people had expected me to be when they heard “female racing driver”, you know? You’re right though, now that I think about it - seeing you in makeup for the gala - you looked fantastic, but it was definitely different.” 

The waitress brought over their breakfasts and set them on the table.  “Thank you,” Bee said to the waitress. “I know. That’s why I don’t bother with it most of the time, even outside of race days. I catch a glimpse of myself and see someone else staring back, it’s unnerving.” 

“Anyway,” Susie said, taking a drink of her coffee. “We haven’t actually talked about racing in a while. How are you feeling about the season?”

“Hm.” Bee said, chewing on her toast. “It’ll be interesting to run a full season, finally. I’m hoping I can get on a podium or two. The car feels good, at least it did at the shakedown. We’ve come far since I started testing for the team. Toto and I talked a bit about my goals and such when we were getting ready to negotiate my contract - I don’t know how much the two of you talk about, well, me, though.”

“We have talked a bit. He told me that you just wanted to be fighting for podiums this year, mostly, which I think you can.”

“Ah. Well, he just asked me what I wanted out of my career after my first year and I told him I think I can compete for podiums this year, but I don’t think I’ll ever be in an earnest running for the championship, unless something happens where I get a Mercedes seat, and I know I’m not first in line for that - George is. And that’s fine. It’s not that I’m not going to try to be as competitive as I can, I just had the misfortune of coming in around the same time as a bunch of drivers who have the potential to be once-in-a-generation. All I really wanted growing up was to get here.”

Susie nodded. “That was my line of thinking when I was testing for Williams. The sport wasn’t ready for a female driver then, it is now. It might be a while until they’re ready for a champion. I think you’ve got the talent, but you’re right - timing wasn’t on your side.”

As they were talking, Bee’s watch chimed. 

“Oh, shit, sorry, I have to go. I’ve got my slot with Netflix soon.” 

“Oh, don’t want to keep them waiting. They’re interviewing me this season, too! Anyway, I’ll catch up with you later - we’ll get dinner one night during race weekend, I promise. It was so good to see you again, Bee.”

They hugged goodbye and Bee half-jogged to the media building that Netflix was set up in. It was a relief to go into the darkened studio, even with the hot, bright lights - it was still cooler than it was outside. 

They asked her some standard questions - what she did over her break, what her goals were for the season - nothing too surprising. It was like this last year, too. There weren’t many narratives that start forming even before testing. The questions would get more specific as the season went on.

She was putting her mask back on and gathering her backpack at the end of the interview, and one of the producers said, “I don’t know if you watched the show or read the reviews, but you were kind of a fan favorite.” Bee laughed. 

“Well, maybe you guys just gave me a good edit.” 

“No, really,” he said. “A lot of the feedback we got on seasons 1 and 2 was that the sport is too much of a… sorry for the term, but sausage-fest, so people really liked seeing a female driver finally make it into the sport last season.”

“Huh.” Bee said. “That’s very different from my experience growing up, but maybe that’s a good sign that things are changing for the better. Anyway, see you guys next race.”

As she walked from the media building back to Williams, she thought about it a little bit, and she had noticed that she seemed to have more followers on Twitter; tags on other sites with her name were more active these days. From her teenage years, she knew there was one barometer of fandom that wasn’t likely to be publicized or tracked by any metric aggregators, but it was a reliable indicator of how popular something, or someone, was. Just a quick look at the fanfiction archive wouldn’t hurt.

Sure enough, there were fanfictions written about her in the Formula 1 RPF (real person fiction) tag. There hadn’t been the last time she’d checked last year, but that was a long time ago. She couldn’t see anything too salacious, but they were there, now. It looked like she was mostly a background character for slash romance pairings between other drivers. There were a few that wrote her in a relationship with George, which made her laugh - no thank you. She liked George, but as one would like their brother. There was one short work, though, that caught her eye - 

“Phoebe Stallard x Emilia Kalbach”, marked as explicit. F/F. There was a story about her being in a relationship with her trainer, and it was spicy, judging by the tags on the work. She felt her face heat. She wanted to look, because she was surprised that she had even managed to register within the group of F1 fans that wrote fanfiction, let alone them knowing who Emilia was. The author had even coined a term for their relationship - “Beemelia”. She said out loud. “Bee-melia.” She wondered if the author knew how close that word was to sounding like it had the French word for honey in it, miel, which was kind of charming. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d ever seen a fanfic written about an F1 driver and their performance coach, but… 

She closed the tab on her phone’s browser before she could think about it any more. 

The rest of the testing period was mostly business as usual - new PR photos, new YouTube segments for the official F1 channels - all of the other things they did before the actual racing took place. 

Williams didn’t look too bad, they were solidly in the middle this year. Red Bull and Ferrari looked amazing, and Mercedes looked like they might be on the back foot, which was worrisome, but a lot could change before the season actually started.

And things did change - two weeks later, they were back in Bahrain again, and Mercedes won the first race. Not by a wide margin - Lewis’ victory only came because Verstappen had overtaken him off the track, and couldn’t get his position back once race control told him to surrender it. Bee very narrowly avoided getting taken out by Nicholas Latifi as he spun out in the third turn of the race, and she and George managed 15th and 14th. She was a bit annoyed - she was hoping to at least be close to a points finish, but it was only the first race. 

Autodromo Internazionale Enzo e Dino Ferrari, Imola, Emilia-Romagna, Italy April 18th, 2021

The morning Bee woke up on race day and saw the weather in Imola, she had a feeling the race would not be going her way.

“Rain,” she said to Emilia during their warmups, “is the great equalizer in these races. You could have the best car on the grid by a long shot, but if you don’t know how to handle it when it’s like this out, it doesn’t mean a damn thing.” 

“And you don’t like rain, do you?” Emilia said.

“I don’t. I’m not great at it. George is really good at it, but I’m not. I keep meaning to watch his onboards and look at his telemetries to see what he does, though - I need to do that, soon.”

Qualifying, however, had been in dry conditions, and it had gone well enough. George and Bee had both made it into Q2 without much of an issue, which felt like an achievement at this point last season, so she was hopeful. But then the rain came. 

She lined up on the grid, tried to take a few deep breaths, tried to imagine the racing line - she hadn’t raced here in a while, so she was trying to remember qualifying yesterday, and today, it would be about finding the dry line. There were even issues during the formation lap. Fernando Alonso hit the wall at the Tosa turn but managed to drive back and have his mechanics do repairs on-grid before they started. Charles Leclerc spun out, but recovered. 

After getting a poor start, Bee barely managed to avoid Latifi running wide before turn 14. She managed to keep the car away from him, but he spun into the wall, leading to a safety car on the first lap. 

“Jesus,” Bee said. “That was close.”

“Good evasive driving, Phoebe.” Gaetan said. There were more spins and near-misses until the rain stopped and the track started drying. Bee decided to risk it and pitted for slick tires fairly early on, around lap 23, after Gaetan told her that other drivers were changing tires over.

She’d managed to gain a few positions, and as far as Gaetan told her, George was fighting for P9. Things were looking good - she might be able to get into the points as well, especially if there was enough attrition and she managed to keep out of trouble. 

“Red flag, Phoebe, red flag. Return to pit lane. George and Bottas have crashed at Tamburello.” Gaetan said.

“Oh, damn. Is everyone okay?” 

“Yes, both are okay and out of the car. It looks like they’ve had a bit of an argument, though.” 

She didn’t know what Gaetan could’ve meant by that. Bee didn’t bother watching the replays waiting for the restart. She learned that lesson after Bahrain last year. Watching crashes while you’re waiting for a race to restart was a recipe for instant anxiety. 

She got out of the car, chatted with Emilia in the garage, and did their warmups again when they announced a restart time.

After the restart, Bee was able to get lucky with a way better launch and overtake Tsunoda, Perez, and Alonso, putting her in the points again by the time they crossed the checkered flag. It was only one point, but it was better than going home empty-handed with George’s crash. 

She hadn’t given it further thought until a reporter from the Dutch station, Ziggo Sport, asked her something in the press pen - “Congratulations on the points finish again, Phoebe. Now, do you agree with your teammate George Russell’s comments about his crash with Valtteri Bottas?” She should have known it would be a weird question - the Ziggo Sport reporters were always asking something strange.

“I didn’t know he made any comments about it, I’m sorry.” 

The reporter - she didn’t catch his name, but she’d talked to him before - filled her in - apparently George had said that he didn’t know why Valtteri was defending so hard for P9, and said that “Perhaps if it was another driver, he wouldn’t have”, implying that Valtteri knew George was in consideration for the second Mercedes seat and only defended so aggressively because of that.  

“Now, Toto Wollf, yours and George’s boss, since you’re both Mercedes juniors, said that that suggestion was “bullshit”, but we know that George has been tipped as a possible replacement for Bottas after his contract expires this year, do you have a read on that?”

Bee’s stomach dropped. It wasn’t that this was news, she knew that George was always a more serious contender for a seat at Mercedes than she was, and she wasn’t expecting to be considered this year. 

But... she had a long flight back to the UK later that evening with Toto and George, and if George was making comments like that to the press that Toto had to use such choice words for… it probably wouldn’t be a pleasant flight.

“I’m not sure. I didn’t see it happen, and I didn’t watch any replays. As far as I know, the stewards said nobody was at fault and it was just a racing incident, and we certainly had a few of them this race, with these track conditions. That’s all I know, sorry.”

“Good job,” Emma, her press officer, said. “I didn’t think anybody would ask you about that, even someone from Ziggo - what are you going to know about it that they don’t? But you gave a very diplomatic answer.”

“Well, that’s nice, because I might need some diplomacy for my flight home later. I flew here with Toto and George.”

“Oh, no.” Emma said, wincing. “Well, good luck with that. That’s going to be awkward.”

“Maybe Toto will let me sit in the cargo hold. It’ll probably be more comfortable.”

The flight was every bit as awkward as Bee expected it to be. She had gotten to the airport before George, and Toto was nothing but kind to her as she boarded, but there was a distinct shift in his demeanor when George came in.

George wordlessly sat in the seat across from Toto’s, and Bee (who had her headphones on but had nothing playing) thought she would be able to hear a butterfly fart in the cabin, as quiet as it was. The plane wasn’t large, so she could hear everything they were saying. She could see a sliver of Toto’s expression through the gaps in the seat in front of her that George was sitting in - it was stern, hard. She’d seen it before in negotiations, but hadn’t ever had the experience of being exposed to it directly. She had to give George credit at this moment - if it were her in his position, she probably would’ve folded like a card table.

By the time they landed in London, their discussion had finished. Bee tried to catch a glimpse of George’s expression before he deplaned, but he did so in too big of a hurry. Toto turned around to Bee and smiled at her as she gathered up her backpack.

“Sorry about that,” he said, his expression softening again. “I realize that was probably awkward, but it’s settled now.” 

Bee wasn’t really expecting him to acknowledge it, it caught her off-guard. 

“Oh… um. That’s okay. Will I see you before we leave for Portimão?” 

“We’ll see.” He said. “If you wanted to come over for dinner this week, I’m sure Susie would love to see you again.”

“I’d love to. Just let me know.”

She descended the plane’s steps, headed to her car, and drove back to her apartment. 

Bee didn’t have to wait long before the aftermath of Toto and George’s discussion had manifested itself. George posted a tweet on Monday afternoon, acknowledging his role in the incident and apologizing to Valtteri. There was a long article in The Guardian about the incident as well.

Privately, Bee was a little conflicted. The attempted overtake that brought them together probably wasn’t a risk she would take in those conditions, but that’s what set George apart from her - she thought it was a bold move. She didn’t think it was either George or Valtteri’s fault, either - sometimes in racing, things happened. It was a fact of life. 

She had to admit, though - it had been a long time since she’d seen such passion in the sport that wasn’t just competitors being dicks to each other in the press over a rivalry. They both wrote off multi-million dollar cars live on international TV, and had put on a show befitting the act. She couldn’t remember the last time that happened since the height of Lewis and Nico’s rivalry. 

No wonder Toto had been so quick to quench the flames. 

[bellevvalencia]

A Christmas Story, pt. 2

A Christmas Story (2020) here

I’ve written about how much Christmas meant to me before. I wrote, at the height of the pandemic, that it was never going to be the same anymore. That if, as a child, Christmas was everything I would look forward to every year, I had to force myself to grow up and change that.

The feeling is always supposed to be temporary. It’s what makes it so special. The lights. The smell. The gift wrappers. The kids. The church bells. The food. We wait for it and we crave it, and then we get it, and then as all magic dust comes and goes, we lose it eventually.

That’s what makes it so special. So frustratingly special.

Huh.

I’m 23, and I’m still talking about feelings that are fleeting. I have the same brain that I had when I was 18.

I spent the first minute of Christmas day cursing. It was that kind of Christmas that I wrote about in 2019 again. I was angry. I slept for more than 12 hours. I stayed on my phone until 5PM. I was still so, so, fucking angry. When I finally got up from bed, I ran to the gym. Then I got dinner at a full, noisy Starbucks alone.

The magic was there until it wasn’t, and I had to deal with the resentment afterwards.

It’s so funny how, after how good and eventful my year was with my family, it was my high expectations of the day that ruined everything for me. I was trying to process it all as I walked the empty streets home.

If I died tonight, on Christmas, without a single word said to my parents, I thought, that would be iconic.

Am I really just ruining all the good things for myself? Am I sabotaging myself when I think of death during birthdays, and of separation during holidays?

I remember putting down my headphones away after somebody called after me. I was halfway through the dark sidewalk of Shaw and I was alone. My music stopped, so unfortunately, even in my hyperawareness of dodging any possible crime, my thoughts had to ring in my mind loudly.

I was going to send my location to you just in case.

I was going to laugh because someone was still catcalling me.

I was going to tell you about how I walked this road almost every night five years ago.

I was going to plan what to tell the psychiatrist in February.

I was going to forget that I was angry.

But I didn’t.

It’s really that simple.

Isn’t it funny how, even after all that I know and write about, the story still goes on predictably like this? The temporary feeling is over, I probably did ruin it, and I’m back to telling everybody to fuck off.

I’d say it’s normal to react this way, but choosing to be angry on Christmas is so selfish and self-serving. I wish I was better than this.

I say I forgive and forget so easily but right now I would rather hit my head against a wall. And say, dude, haha, fuck you.

Christmas is still so special to me. The only difference is that it’s not the day itself that matters to me, because God knows shit always, always fucks up when we put too much pressure on it, but the days that I count and tread leading to it. The shopping. The list. The lights. The people. The parties. The alcohol. The food. The anticipation. The ending. The new beginning.

Christmas Day was ruined for me, but Christmas is never really just a day. If 25th was the bad day out of the 50 or 100 or more that I spent hopelessly preparing for it, I’d say that’s fair.

Shit happens, people tick, I tick back when you ruin the one special day of the year for me, it’s normal, it’s okay.

I have no other ending to this. I’m still angry. But Merry Christmas!

[inkbyajm]

Holiday Blues

pairing: C.H. x fem!reader

category: fluff, slight angst

word count: 1.1k

notes: it’s been two weeks, but i finally wrote the second part to the holiday series! i decided to change a few things: for starters, in this world, the pandemic DOESN’T EXIST for the sake of the plot, and the reason why corpse and reader can’t see each other is because she lies and says she doesn’t quite have the funds to travel. anyways, it’s christmas in three days, and 2020 will be over NEXT WEEK i’m so excited!! also, i’m curious as to which christmas songs you’re obsessed with at the moment 👀 to me, december means i can finally blast I’M GONNA KILL SANTA CLAUS by the most greg of all gregs - mr. danny gonzalez. and no one can stop me, because ‘tis the season.

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It was halfway into December and Corpse had felt absolutely no holiday cheer. Well, that’s not exactly true. He’d streamed once or twice, he’d played with friends off camera too. But once everything cut, the corners of his lips would drop and he’d slouch back into his seat, with an air of defeat, as he thought about his love having a merry time on the other side of the Atlantic ocean. 

Unbeknownst to him, (Y/N) and his friends had collectively decided to throw a big Christmas party in the new OfflineTV mansion the group had recently finished renovating. (Y/N) wasn’t going to leave her boyfriend without a present, nor was she leaving him to celebrate anything alone. While, initially, a festive gathering was all she had planned, a little bird (more like a flock) had been telling her all about her partner and the state he had been in lately. He wasn’t exactly fooling anyone with the “I’m fine”s and the “yeah, I’m good, just tired”s, contrary to his belief. So she very bravely decided to take on the 14+ hour transatlantic flight and pop in for a visit in the city of angels only a couple of days before Christmas Eve. Until then, though, he had to be kept in the dark. And in this case, what he didn’t know did hurt him. 

━

It was a chilly morning when Corpse woke up with his body aching all over. Another restless night, another long day to spend. With a groan, he got up to start his morning routine, while taking his medication along the way.

As he walked to the kitchen to make up some kind of breakfast, he scrolled through his social media feeds to see if anything new had been posted while he was away. 

His heart tightened ever so slightly, he couldn’t tell if it was due to his condition, or due to the feeling of jealousy which rose the longer he stared at her recent post. He felt selfish, of course she was allowed to have male friends, he himself  had many female friends. But he still felt like that could have been, or rather should have been, him.

Dejectedly, he went on to Twitter to end up feeling even worse. He didn’t feel like telling anyone about how pathetic of a boyfriend he was being, yet he wanted to get out something. In the end, he settled with a good ol’ cryptic message as per usual Corpse Husband style.

Not feeling like eating much anymore, the brunette settled for quick oats. An hour had gone by, maybe even two, time was difficult to keep up with when nothing was done to spend it. He sat in his living room, the pictures she had posted floating around his mind, and realised (Y/N) hadn’t called him once since the beginning of the month. She’d warned him she was going to be busy, but he thought perhaps she had at least an hour to talk about all the riveting things she had been up to in the past couple of weeks. 

Nervously, he picked up his phone and hovered his finger over her name. Wasn’t it late where she lived? What if she was having dinner with her roommates? It would be rude to interrupt their evening. But as he was hesitating, his finger had accidentally pressed the screen, prompting the ringing to begin.

It rang once, it rang twice. Three times. Four. Just as he was about to hang up, the timer had started, indicating that she was on the line.

“Hello?” Warmth instantly spread across his chest at the sound of her voice he hadn’t heard in too long a time.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

Corpse felt shy all of a sudden, as if he was speaking to her for the first time. He hadn’t thought about what he was going to say beforehand.

“How are you?” he asked, putting her on speaker as he fiddled with the hem of his t-shirt.

“I’m good! Really good, actually,” she spoke softly, a hint of pep in her voice, “how are you doing?”

“I uh...I woke up feeling sore today. Feels like someone beat me up in my sleep.” he followed up with a light chuckle so as to not completely ruin the mood. There was a short moment of silence before (Y/N) finally responded.

“I’m sorry. Did you take your medication?” Her reply felt somewhat off. Usually, she’d make it a bigger deal, asking him to rate the pain from 1 to 5 (1 being “eh, it’s barely there” and 5 being “put me out of my misery”), making sure he was going about his day alright, or even giving him virtual kisses to make him feel even a little bit better.

“I did, yeah, I took them this morning.” He wanted to talk about something, anything, but he couldn’t not think about what had been bothering him for the past two hours. “So, I saw you had one eventful day yesterday?”

“Yes! (F3/N) and I went on a hike early in the morning, and oh, Corpse, it was so magical!” he heard her gush, “there was snow everywhere, it was so so pretty. And although it was kinda really cold, we built super cute snowmen and made snow angels! Then I spent some time baking sugar cookies with my roommates, after that we went shopping for a bit. They had both gone out with their partners in the evening, so I went to bother (F3/N) again. It was cool though, he didn’t mind. I promise.” she giggled, finished with her rant.

Although he was sad that he hadn’t gotten the chance to make such fun memories with her, he was also pleased to hear how well she’d been doing. She sounded so joyous, so full of life, he didn’t have the heart to burden her with his gloominess.

“That sounds nice.” he faintly smiled, “I’m glad you’re having a good time.”

Oh how it absolutely broke her to hear him desperately trying to support her, to keep up the image of not being bothered in the slightest. She was very close to telling him how much she missed him, how badly she wanted to see his pretty face and run her fingers through his soft messy curls. But she had to resist those temptations, for their reunion was only a few days away, and she had worked very hard to create this temporary distance between them. It was all for the end goal. Determined to follow through with her plan, she had decided to end the call early.

“Sorry, (F1/N) just messaged me. They need another pair of hands to set up the Christmas village on the table.”

“Oh, alright, yeah, you go make your house pretty. Send me a picture of the masterpiece.” She was sure to have heard her heart break right then and there.

“Of course, bubba. Okay bye, love you!”

His heart swelled a little at her words. At least she still loved him.

“Love you too.”

[gemmassong]

So uh. It’s 4:17am and I know literally no one cares but I just finished watching Bo Burnham’s new special and like, holy shit. I have some Feelings. And this is my fucking tumblr so unfortunately anyone who follows me can and will be subjected to those Feelings. Apologies in advance. I blame my high school English teacher for this, who I had for freshmen, junior, and senior year, because that cunt made as analyze and pick apart not just books but documentaries, movies, and other pieces of media to such an extreme degree I still blame her for a lot of my academic burnout and inability to really engage with my college courses because what was the fucking point. If I could write the best paper in the class and still not get a full score when my classmates with less well written shit did because I ‘wasn’t reaching my full potential or putting in as much effort as required’ why should I bother. 

Off topic. I’ll put the rest under a cut to be vaguely courteous because this is going to be a lot of semi-organized rambling that I’m putting here mostly so I can stare at it in baffled, disgusted horror at ~2pm tomorrow when I go back and reread it. And then decide not to delete it anyway because hey, I don’t delete anything because I enjoy tormenting myself years down the road.

I grew up with Bo Burnham, yeah? I knew all the lyrics to New Math when I was in middle school and you can bet your ass I understood like, four verses at the time I first started singing it. And I remember the vivid pleasure of going through high school and hating math because I suck at it (ayooo failed out of Calc senior year first semester~ (they weren’t called semesters in hs they were some quarterly thing but I don’t fucking remember the right term)) and the absolute joy realizing how one of those verses were clever was brought me. Like, every time I understood a new verse in New Math it made my entire day so much better. 

And then the summer after my first year of college I, for some fucking reason I cannot fathom now, 20 year old me thought it was a brilliant idea to decide to watch What. with my parents while we ate dinner. I had seen What. before. I knew what the contents entailed. I was apparently 100% down to watch him pretend to jack off on stage while eating taco salad in the living room with both of my parents who were so closed mouthed about sex that I got literally my entire sexual education from fanfiction. 

And then my cat had a seizure literally right before that scene so fate helped me escape that hell for some reason, and yes, Siren was fine after a very scary night.

But like. Still. What the fuck, 20 year old me. Why did you set yourself up for the mortifying experience of watching a comedian mime jacking off while sitting next to your mother. Why. 

So anyway. Bo Burnham was peripherally a part of my life for a very long time. I’ve always really liked him. I wish he had made more vines while vine was still a thing because the ‘is there anything better than pussy’ one still cracks me tf up. 

I saw a post here at some point about how the new special made someone feel like they’d just watched his suicide note. And I didn’t take it seriously, because yeah, Make Happy got kinda serious and stressful there at the end but like? 

Maaaaan am I glad I watched Inside though, despite being vaguely concerned. I totally get where that person was coming from. It does kinda feel like that. At the same time though, I just have this feeling that Inside is going to be important. 

Here’s where I finally get to the actual fucking point of the post.

Collectively, entertainment media is desperately trying right now to figure out how the hell to handle the pandemic. Ignore it? Pretend all media now exists in a universe where the shitstorm of 2020 didn’t exist? Most of the ones that I’ve seen have gone down what I consider the absolute worst route, which is of course terrible fucking writing that kind of? addresses the pandemic and shit that went down, but like, with clunky dialogue and really bad jokes. I’m mostly talking about the Roseanne spinoff/sequel/whatever the fuck it’s considered, of which I watched half an episode of and then silently begged my fiance to let us leave his mother’s house because she was laughing at it and it was genuinely, horrifically painful. This is why I don’t watch tv anymore. 

ANYWAY. He never mentions it. Not once. There are plenty of really relevant things discussed and pointed out and I think one? mention of the actual year 2020 but beyond that. Nothing. And I feel like Inside might be one of the most genuine, visceral, real pieces of media portraying the pandemic that we, as an American society anyway, are going to come away from this all with. At least everyone in my own admittedly piss poor social circles has spent like last ~year and a half doing that social media thing where the more you post about how well you’re doing and great it all is, the more miserable and bad off you really are.

(Yes, that is how I judge my ‘friends’’ relationships on facebook. The more pictures/posts/tagged shit/social media demonstrations of how ~amazing~ and ~in love~ and ~perfect~ everything is, the worse I assume the reality is.)

But Inside strikes as very, very real. And I just feel like 20 30 40 50 years from now, when we’re talking about the 2020 pandemic and how it shaped and shifted and effected and destroyed people and society, it’s going to be a very important piece of media. Because so far, anyway, it’s the first one I’ve seen where you can actually see it all go down. The absolute fucking breakdown so many of us went through. Dealing with worsening mental problems that had previously been getting better, lost progress, ruined plans and dreams and missed opportunities and everything else. 

It’s the first one that strikes as real, I guess. As not manufactured. Not tailored to portray the ‘correct’ message. Not diminishing or exaggerating anything but just... showing. Existing within the reality of the year. And not being apologetic or ashamed about it. 

I’m glad he actually went through with putting it out into the world. That probably took a whole lot to do, and I hope good things get to him for going through with it all. For completing it and giving it to the world. It was visceral and raw to watch and my piss poor attention span that needs 20+ tabs open at all times actually sat there and watched it, in full, all the way through in one go. Without pausing to read a fic, watch something else, check facebook or tumblr, answer a roleplay, or skim through omegle to see if anyone good was online. That’s like, unheard of these days.

I just. I dunno. There’s a lot there to breakdown. A part of me wants to do it, take the time and write the analysis and the breakdowns and pick out what I think the important bits are. But I hate doing that now and I’m sure the desire will be gone come afternoon-morning, along with all these weird feelings about it. 

This has gotten long enough and it’s 4:47 now, so half an hour of word vomiting into a tumblr post is probably too much. So I guess I’ll call it quits and maybe maybe not delete this when I wake up. Night, anyone who actually suffered through reading this mess.

[purplesurveys]

1269

Last thing you bought online? Did you like it? OMG OMG so I got Angela an Army Bomb!!!!!! for her birthday!!!! It was HELLLL looking for sealed ones that were already onhand, but fortunately I was able to find one from this really nice seller a few days ago and the shipping was quick as well. I’m just a little worried because the outbox has a little dent on it :( but it was the best onhand offer I could find so I got it before anybody could call dibs. I still hope she likes it! I got her batteries too so that she can try lighting it up as soon as she has it. :D

Could you date someone who didn’t drive (and didn’t show an interest in ever getting their license, either)?  I feel like this is such a petty thing to make a big deal about...if they knew how to commute or any other way to get to their destination, I don’t think this should be a problem. It would only be an issue to me if they refused to get a license in a very I-generally-lack-ambition kind of way.

How would you react if your artwork became famous?  I don’t have any to show off to begin with. I love appreciating art, but creating it was never a forte of mine.

Would you get your nipples pierced?  No, I don’t plan on getting any piercings. How many people know your birthday?  Outside of my family, my best friends. I think everyone else relies on Facebook to be reminded, which is fine with me.

Has anyone ever tried to ruin a relationship you were in?  No. Quite the contrary, really...I was sometimes informed about red flags taking place, which of course my stubborn ass ignored.

Have you ever watched a whole hour long infomercial?  Probably, as a kid. The channel from which I used to watch WWE aired these really long infomercials so I would watch those while waiting for like Raw or whatever show was going on after.

What is your current MySpace song?  I never hung out on Myspace. I had an account, but I was too young for it so it wasn’t long before I got bored.

What is your favorite kind of meat to put on your sandwich?  Pulled pork or fried chicken.

Which one of your exes do you feel like you have the most chemistry with?  I only have one ex.

How do you feel about people who make Facebook profiles for their pets? I find it really cute. But I personally wouldn’t put in as much effort lol.

Have you ever personally known a pair of conjoined twins?  Hmmmmmmmm I don’t think so.

What was the most disturbing thing you have ever heard your mother say? She threatened suicide in front of me and my dad in a very calm way when I was around 11, I think? Maybe 12, idk. I haven’t actually thought about that moment in an extremely long time until this question. I’ll move on now and shove the memory at the very very back of my head before I get sad.

Is there something in particular you like to look at photos of? What is it?  Aside from members of BTS (lol), interior design inspirations.

Chewy chocolate-chip cookies: like or dislike?  Ooh, love. When I bite into a cookie it hassssss to ooze chocolate, otherwise I would be underwhelmed.

If your boyfriend/girlfriend wanted to dress only in the opposite sex’s clothing, would you support that? If not, would you leave them?  Support.

Do you think your grandmother is/was beautiful?  They both are.

Which of your fields of interest are you a total expert on?  Anything that has to do with writing (except poems), I guess? I like being able to give people advice and tips when it comes to that.

When was the last time you got all dolled up?  Last July when we had a big PR media launch thingy and I couldn’t afford to look like shit on Zoom.

Do you ever name objects? (i.e. mp3 players, guitars, cars, etc.)  Never.

Do you have a criminal record?  Not criminal but it’s possibleeeee that I have some kind of record on my license from the time I got stopped by an officer in Alabang, lmao. It was a minor offense from a tiny part of the town so I don’t actually know if they filed it, but it’s possible.

Last person you took a nap with?  I don’t really nap with other people. I hate falling asleep in front of others to begin with.

Does seeing your mother cry automatically make you feel sad as well?  No.

Do you think someone likes the same person you like?  I don’t like anybody.

Do you want your life to stay the way it is right now forever?  No, I do not want to stay in a pandemic and not get to maximize my life the way it’s supposed to be enjoyed forever.

Have you ever been to craigslist.com?  I’ve never checked it out; idk if we have that here?

What about eBay?  I also dunno if they operate here so no, I’ve never bothered.

Have you ever used Nair?  Not Nair, but I’ve used Veet before.

Are you medicated?  Nope.

Do you shape/fill in your eyebrows?  I never do stuff to my eyebrows except shave them.

Have you ever stolen/borrowed clothes from an ex?  Several articles of clothing were left behind here, yeah. I never had the chance to give them back because I stupidly thought we were going to get back together eventually. By the time I moved on the timing was already off, so the clothes stayed with me untillll...just a few days ago, actually – when I finally cleaned up my room and got rid of a bunch of knickknacks that accumulated here over the years, including all her shirts and sweaters and stuff.

Could you make a statement about anything political?  The 2022 presidential election landscape looks like complete shit and I’m nearly at that point where I want to stop giving a fuck about this country’s future.

Do you think you’ve already met your soulmate?  No.

Do you get the feeling something good will happen in your life soon?  I think I’m already living in it, haha.

Do you enjoy romantic movies, even when they’re cliche?  Sure, but cliché is also hit and miss for me. I love Titanic and Love Actually, but I cannot stand movies like Me Before You and The Notebook. I guess it depends on certain executions, like the acting, screenplay, casting, etc.

Have you been to McDonald’s in the past month?  No, not inside. We did drive-thru within the last month, though.

Have you ever slept over at your best friend’s house?  Not at Andi’s, but I have at Angela’s.

How often do you go bowling?  Extremely rarely. I can’t tell you the last time I went bowling.

Last time you were in an apartment?  Like 2007 when I visited my aunt back when she still lived in one. None of my friends have their own apartments.

Have you ever seen a live seahorse?  I don’t think so.

Would you like to have your own yacht? I mean I wouldn't say no if you offered it to me for free, but I'm not exactly interested in one. < Same.

Winnie the Pooh or Tigger?  Tigger always made me laugh as a kid.

What’s the unhealthiest thing you’ve eaten today?  Luncheon meat, I think? I didn’t go overboard with the junk food today.

Has a stranger ever offered to buy you a drink?  Hm, not that I can recall.

What is something you’d be happy to receive as a gift, that doesn’t cost a lot?  A bag of the salted egg chips that I really like costs like 30 bucks, or roughly 60 US cents.

What kind of music does your significant other/crush like to listen to?  I don’t have any irl crushes, can I use a celebrity crush instead? HAHA he’s heavily into jazz and whenever he gets asked for music recos he always gives jazz artists from like the 50s and 60s.

Who did you have your first kiss with? Do you remember what colour his/her eyes were?  Gab. Dark brown.

Are there any themes from TV shows that you like to sing along to? The Big Bang Theory and Friends; and then I also liked humming to the themes of Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, and BoJack Horseman. The Phineas & Ferb theme was also a lot of fun to sing along to.

Do you eat dessert after dinner? No, I never do that. I’m usually already full after dinner, and we don’t always have sweets at home anyway.

Have you ever had too much to drink and felt embarrassed about your behavior the next day?  Sure.

When you go out drinking, what do you prefer to drink?  Cocktails. I very rarely go for hard drinks/shots, especially if I brought my own car.

What was the last animal that you saw?  Dog.

What was the last thing that you said to one of your siblings?  I just told my sister I was done using her laptop so she can have it back. My Memories of 2020 DVD turned out to be region-locked so I have to use her laptop every time I want to watch it :(

What is the most expensive thing that you’ve purchased that you paid for:  My Map of the Soul photobook cost me around 5k in total.

What is your favorite messaging program?  Messenger.

Do you eat fast food more than 5 times a week?  Wow no. Aside from being extremely unhealthy, that’s also a LOT of spending??

Have you ever almost drowned?  Yes.

Have you ever learned something shocking about someone through Facebook?  I mean I’ve had to learn about more than one family death through my Facebook feed, which sucks but is nothing I have control over. Otherwise the most shocking thing I’ve seen is probably classmates from high school having their own kids, but at this point I’m used to it already.

What’s the scariest living animal that you’ve petted?  I’m not really afraid of carrying/petting animals especially if there’s a guide or expert nearby, but the most daring one was probably the crocodile I volunteered to hold in Palawan.

Do you remember the first conversation you ever had with the person you currently have feelings for?  Not at all.

Do you dread certain days of the week? If yes, what day/s and why?  I hate Mondays for obvious reasons lol. I don’t know anyone who is actively cheery about reporting back to work.

If you eat oatmeal, do you have it plain or do you have certain toppings that you like to add to it?  I never eat oatmeal. I had that every single day for breakfast from like kindergarten to 4th grade and I vowed never to take a spoonful of it again.

What is the funniest or strangest thing you’ve ever heard somebody say in their sleep?  I dunno. I used to keep a log of the things my ex used to say in her sleep and a great deal of them were hilarious, but obviously I deleted that note a long time ago.

Choose one - Butterfinger, Milky Way, Snickers:  Butterfinger.

Do you use Mozilla Firefox? Nopes.

Who is your favorite person to hug? Angela and Laurice.

Have you ever had to have a mug shot?  Nope.

What was the last thing you carried to your room?  Kimi.

When was the last time you had a late night phone call?  WELL over a year ago.

[victorious1956]

My RWBY Fic List

Now that Fair Game Weekend is complete (and what a great outpouring of creativity by everyone that was), and I have no more Qrowtober fics for a couple of weeks, here's my current fic status.

With so much going on, poor old Betrayal has had to take a back seat, but I'm still working on that one, too.

These are all Fair Game focused, unless otherwise indicated.

AO3 rating shown after each title.

Recently posted/updated:

Love, Betrayal, and All That Follows (M)

When your day job is trying to save the world, the idea of discovering love along the way doesn't enter your head. So when Qrow finds himself in Atlas, dealing with love is as unexpected as the betrayal that follows. Ongoing 24/? chapters 70,148 words

The Silver Lining (T)

When it seems there might be a repeat of the disastrous pandemic of two years ago, the government loses no time in declaring a lockdown of all households. For Qrow and Clover, this presents a problem. 1 chapter 3,162 words

The Monster I've Become (T)

James/Clover James had not expected love, or anything like it, to come calling. But it does, and for a while he can be happy. Life, however, has other plans for him. 1 chapter 4,928 words

Paradigm Shift (M)

Clover's life is settled in every way except one. As he searches for the right woman for him, fate takes a hand and sets him on an unexpected path. 10/10 chapters 19,360 words

Deep (E)

Qrow sometimes teases Clover about the depth of feeling between them. But they both know that being in deep, is where they want to be. 1 chapter 1,396 words

Fair Game Weekend 2020 Series

3 fics for Fair Game Weekend, 2nd-4th October 2020. Completed Part One: Good For The Soul (G) After arriving in Atlas, Weiss initiates a plan to help the new hunters and the Ace Ops get to know each other better. The outcome, in one way at least, is more successful than even she expected. 1 chapter 4,075 words Part Two: Chasing This Starlight (T) After resolving their difficulties and deciding they want to be together, Qrow finally joins Clover on the USS Atlas. 1 chapter 2,046 words Part Three: Tantalised (T) Qrow normally has no interest in the festive season. This year he grudgingly agrees to participate, if only to keep Jimmy quiet. 1 chapter 3,260 words

Numerically Speaking Series

A series of (mostly) unconnected short stories, prompted by the numbers 1 to 10. Ongoing Part Six: Six Weeks (T) Qrow/Clover / Blake/Yang / Jaune/Marrow Yang is determined to keep working as long as she can. Luckily, when she unexpectedly goes into labour, she's with the right people. 1 chapter 3,128 words Part Seven: Seven Stars (G) An evil is rising, and the Captain of the Guard is sent from Minas Tirith to seek one who may be able to overcome it. 1 / 2 chapters 2,661 words

Qrowtober 2020 Series

Six separate fics for Qrowtober 2020. Ongoing Day Two: Flight Interrupted (T) Qrow is a bird on a mission. When he finds himself caught in a storm, it takes an unexpected turn. 1 / 2 chapters 2,040 words Day Seven: A Quiet Night In (G) Qrow / Yang & Ruby / Background Taiyang/Summer Taiyang and Summer have been married for three years, and Qrow agrees they deserve a night out to celebrate. 1 chapter 1,677 words Day Eight: Images of Yesterday (G) Qrow/Taiyang Taiyang has accumulated an attic full of memories stretching back many years. Some of them are inconsequential. Others, Qrow realises, mean so much more. 1 chapter 1,005 words

Older fics below cut

A Fair Game Rainbow Series

A series of eight unconnected short stories, prompted by the colours of the rainbow. Because why not 🌈🙂 Completed Part One: Red (G) As their first Valentine's Day approaches, Clover wants to surprise Qrow with a small, yet thoughtful, gesture. 1 chapter 1,201 words Part Two: Orange (T) Qrow and Clover finally get some time off work together, and decide to take a short vacation. 1 chapter 1,384 words Part Three: Yellow (T) Breaking the ice with a shared DIY task? It's more likely than you think. 1 chapter 1,220 words Part Four: Green (T) An unexpected visitor on board the United Star Ship Atlas proves unsettling for Lieutenant Clover Ebi. 1 chapter 2,806 words Part Five: Blue (G) It's Clover's birthday, and for the first year in a long time, he's going to celebrate. He just doesn't know it yet. 1 chapter 2,218 words Part Six: Indigo (T) All Qrow needs is a good night's sleep. All Clover wants is to help him get one. 1 chapter 1,697 words Part Seven: Violet (M) Qrow's misfortune makes itself felt at a most inopportune moment. 1 chapter1 1,233 words Part Eight: Rainbow (G) If Qrow had been offered his heart's desire years ago, he doubts he would have thought of wishing for what he has now. 2/2 chapters 2,420 words

Clover Ebi: Ace Operative Series

A short series looking at how a Fair Game relationship might work, if Clover were asexual. Completed Part One: Best of Friends (T) Qrow and Clover find they have more in common than they first thought. 1 chapter 4,158 words Part Two: Lines of Communication (G) Clover can't help fretting, which almost spoils a special day. 1 chapter 2,971 words Part Three: Part of You (M) Being together for a year is a good reason to celebrate, but things don't quite go according to plan. 1 chapter 2,433 words Part Four: Now and Always (T) Qrow and Clover take the next step. 4/4 chapters 7,857 words

Early Days Series

A series of short fics which follow Qrow and Clover as they become more friendly, leading into the start of a deeper relationship. Completed Part One: Window 1, Bird 0 (T) Qrow has a spot of bad luck. Fortunately, someone is looking out for him and is able to help. 1 chapter 1,481 words Part Two: Iron, Qrow (G) Qrow gets some unexpected domestic advice. 1 chapter 1,118 words Part Three: Search and Retrieve Mission (T) Clover suffers a loss, but Qrow is able to help. 1 chapter 1,267 words Part Four: By the Book (G) Clover finds a way to say thank you. 1 chapter 1,462 words Part Five: A Bird in the Hand (G) An afternoon of avian exploits, and a reminder of Clover's past. 1 chapter 1,993 words Part Six: Good Hair, Bad News (T) Time to trim those untidy feathers. 1 chapter 1,702 words Part Seven: Enable Cookies (G) 1 chapter 1,959 words Qrow is in need of inspiration. Lucky for him, Clover is on hand to supply it. Part Eight: Fever Pitch (G) Qrow gets an opportunity to demonstrate his bedside manner. 1 chapter 1,859 words Part Nine: The Last Dance (T) A celebratory night out for everyone gives Qrow and Clover a chance to get closer. 1 chapter 1,633 words Part Ten: Reggie's Diner (G) Finally. A kiss. 1 chapter 1,674 words

Numerically Speaking Series

A series of (mostly) unconnected short stories, prompted by the numbers 1 to 10. Ongoing Part One: One Mistake (M) One mistake. One stupid mistake. And suddenly, everything was ruined. 1 chapter 1,947 words Part Two: Two Months (T) It is hard to see past the hurt. But to heal, that is what Qrow tries to do. 1 chapter 1,417 words Part Three: Three in the Morning (G) When Qrow can't get back to sleep, he hatches a plan. It doesn't quite work. 1 chapter 1,002 words Part Four: Four in the Family (T) Three become four as Qrow and Clover welcome a new member of their family. 1 chapter 1,667 words Part Five: Five Words (T) Qrow and Clover have a date, a meal at their favourite restaurant. But this time, something seems different. 1 chapter 1,393 words

7-6 (M)

A quiet night in for Qrow and Clover ends in an unexpected battle for the two experienced fighters. 1 chapter 1,202 words

a qrow came to me (G)

A short scene which could have happened, but sadly never did. 1 chapter 672 words

A Regency Qrow (M)

Qrow returns to England after an extended trip, to find society has changed considerably in his absence. 4/4 chapters 13,918 words

A Time To Hold On, A Time To Let Go (G)

Jaune/Marrow Sometimes it can take a long while to let go, but that's okay. 1 chapter 683 words

As Tears Go By (G)

Some painful memories never leave you, but if you have a sympathetic partner there for you, it helps. 1 chapter 1,257 words

Birth Day (T)

Qrow and Clover wait anxiously for a very special delivery. 1 chapter 1,491 words

Convergence (T)

Qrow and Clover are bound to get together. Eventually. 1 chapter 1,514 words

Face the Rain (G)

Clover and Qrow have been together for some time now, but the cracks are starting to show. 1 chapter 2,324 words

i'm dreaming 'bout those dreamy eyes (G)

The importance or otherwise of eye colour. 1 chapter 478 words

In Your Eyes (T)

Not everyone believes in the idea of a soulmate. And sometimes, you don't have to. 1 chapter 6,303 words

Instinctively Yours (T)

In Springtime, every bird's thoughts turn to finding a partner. Clover never expected it to be him. 1 chapter 2,016 words

Kiss Me, Kiss Me (T)

After the trials and tribulations in Atlas, Clover and Qrow enjoy some downtime in Patch. 1 chapter 1,635 words

Letting Go (G)

Qrow/Taiyang Qrow tries to help Taiyang move on. 1 chapter 948 words

Regency Bees (G)

Blake/Yang and Qrow/Clover, but less so than usual! A desparate situation calls for a desperate remedy. Especially when you have been told you must marry a gentleman for whom you have no regard. 7/7 chapters 13,556 words

Room in Your Heart (T)

Clover would like to get to know Qrow better, but is there a place for him in Qrow's heart? 1 chapter 2,414 words

Sharp Edges (T)

There is more than one way to hurt those you care about. 1 chapter 3,208 words

Some Kind of Madness (E)

Clover enjoys the heady rush of a new relationship. But after the madness of the early, euphoric liaisons, is there anything more? 1 chapter 3,642 words

Storytime (E)

Clover is away, so he calls Qrow and tells him a bedtime story. 1 chapter 1,501 words

Straight From Your Heart (T)

Following the catastrophic fight on the tundra, Qrow and Clover try and come to terms with what happened. 4/4 chapters 4,049 words

The One Who Loved You So (G)

James/Qrow and Qrow/Clover James cares for Qrow. He sometimes wishes he didn't. 1 chapter 1,000 words

The Shape of You (T)

Qrow sees Clover in a new light. 1 chapter 900 words

Till I Die (T)

Qrow's final flight. 1 chapter 1,500 words

Who Are You? (T)

Dreams are always open to interpretation, and Clover has no idea what his means. The answer, when it eventually comes, will change his life. 4/4 chapters 12,281 words

you know i can't love (T)

Loving someone is not always enough. 1 chapter 1,901 words

[booksbeyondimagining]

The Love Curse of Melody McIntyre, by Robin Talley

Publish Date:  December 1, 2020 Published by: HarperTeen Audiobook Narrated by: Jennifer Jill Araya Length: 12 hours (464 pages) Genre: YA Fiction/Romance/LGBTQ+ My Rating: ★★★☆☆ (3 out of 5 stars)

Synopsis:

Melody McIntyre, stage manager extraordinaire, has a plan for everything. What she doesn’t have? Success with love. Every time she falls for someone during a school performance, both the romance and the show end in catastrophe. So, Mel swears off any entanglements until their upcoming production of Les Mis is over.

Of course, Mel didn’t count on Odile Rose, rising star in the acting world, auditioning for the spring performance. And she definitely didn’t expect Odile to be sweet and funny, and care as much about the play’s success as Mel. Which means that Melody McIntyre’s only plan now is trying desperately not to fall in love.

My Review:

Okay, so I have my postives and negatives about this book. On the one hand, it did a pretty decent job of showing high school theatre. As someone who works in theatre, I found a few issues here and there (okay maybe more than a few), but overall it still felt like theatre. In fact, that was what drew me in mostly and was what I enjoyed the most about it. (There might also be some withdrawal on my end since I haven’t been inside of a theatre since the pandemic started, so there’s that.) It also helped entirely that they were putting on Les Miserables which is my all-time favorite musical. As for the characters and relationships themselves - I was only so-so about them. I wanted to like Mel so much, but she took everything on her shoulders and it kind of annoyed me. She blamed herself for her love life ruining the run of Romeo & Juliet, even though it was her ex who decided to make a scene in the tech booth in the middle of a complicated light cue sequence. And it didn’t help that the rest of the crew believed that too.

In fact, I was livid with the crew for most of this book. The whole premise of this story is that Mel has some inane “love curse” that is causing problems in shows she works on whenever she is in a relationship. I didn’t realize going into this how much I would hate that plot point. Mostly I hated how the crew decided that was the curse, practically forced Mel into agreeing to not date during the spring musical, and then got angry with her when they found out that she had given in to her feelings for Odile. And she took it. She let everyone believe, including herself, that she was the cause of all the problems the show was seeing. She even claimed that things like people getting colds or broken legs had “no natural causes” and were therefore results of the “curse”. No natural causes. For a cold. And of course, Mel was the one who had to apologize to the cast and crew for keeping a secret. Instead of, I don’t know, the crew apologizing to her for forcing her into an unfair situation based on, well, a baseless superstition? It’s theatre. Nothing ever goes perfectly right in theatre. (And Will/Mr. Green, her mentor and teacher, took way too long to really explain that to her. He just seemed constantly to berate her for not being focused on safety enough? First of all, she is still a junior in high school, give her a bit of a break, and second, maybe you should be guiding her a bit more then.) Okay, enough of that. The three relationships that were the most important in the book, I felt, were the ones Mel had with Odile, Gabby, and Dom. So we’ll begin with the first one. Odile is the love interest. And while I thought she had so much potential to her as a character, her own issues always seemed to pale in comparison to Mel’s and honestly, I think I stopped caring about their romance somewhere around the time they first kissed. It was cute and all, but not breathtaking in the way I like. It was more of a plot point to be used in conjunction with the “curse,” and in terms of character development? There was nothing. Gabby, Mel’s assistant stage manager, started off great. She was smart, snarky, and willing to stand up for herself and others. But then when she found out about Mel and Odile she went off on her for “breaking her promise” and “keeping secrets” and “breaking her trust” and “not caring about the show.” Meanwhile, she had been secretly dating a cast member without telling Mel because she was afraid it would look “unprofessional” to be going out with an actor. Hypocrite. Personally, I had thought that Gabby wouldn’t have been so delusional about the “curse,” but apparently she was and let it take priority over her friend’s happiness. [SPOILER] And then she had the NERVE to quit the show right before tech because she “didn’t trust Mel anymore”, only to return FIFTEEN MINUTES BEFORE OPENING and ask for her position back. GIRL YOU MISSED TECH AND ALL THE DRESS REHEARSALS. WTF YOU THINK YOU ARE??? [END SPOILER] The relationship I liked the most, and also felt missed the most page-time it deserved, was Mel’s friendship with Dom. I don’t know what it was but I LOVED their friendship from the start and I didn’t like seeing it falter and fall apart over the course of the book. It was mostly little things - like Mel thinking she had to be “impartial” at auditions and not show any favoritism to Dom by being friendly or encouraging to him (as if she was going to have any say in who got cast in what role??? *insert eye-roll emoji*). But mostly I just wanted more interactions with the two of them. They’re supposed to be best friends but I felt like they didn’t spend enough time just…being friends. (…this might also be my own personal friendship issues being projected onto them so take that with a grain of salt.) Anyway Overall, this book captured my attention, but I’m not sure it was for all the right reasons. I feel like I focused a bit more on the theatre stuff than the character parts, and that probably wasn’t the point. (But I think a big part of me that I didn’t realize was there was missing theatre A LOT and so this kind of helped fill that gap a bit.) When I did focus on the characters, I felt frustrated and annoyed with the lot of them, to be honest. I was angry at Mel for taking all the blame, I was angry at the crew for blaming her in the first place, and I was kind of annoyed at Will/Mr. Green for only showing up to give minimal advice at the least helpful moments, despite being Mel’s teacher and mentor. (I like that she was being trusted with responsibility, but SHE IS STILL A TEENAGER AND STILL LEARNING. Guidance is still needed once in a while.) The only person who felt like he was on Mel’s side was Dom, and she was kind of a poor friend to him in return for most of the book. I was happy and unhappy the whole time I listened to this story, because there were parts that I liked (mostly theatre-related), and parts that I didn’t (mostly character-related), and lots of feelings in between.

P.S. I'm not trying to say all theatre superstitions are not real. I mean, most of them technically are, but they're usually based on historical things, such as the whistling thing. And lots of theatres have their own superstitions - my college theatre department had a "ghost" called the Lady in Red who "got angry" if anyone ever wore a red dress on stage (and in one of the first shows I worked on there, a character wore a red dress and on opening night a bunch of sound cues got mixed up in the board for some weird reason. O.o). But mostly it is a scapegoat used to explain strange occurrences that just happen as a part of live theatre, and finding some coincidence - like a red dress - is an easy way to create a basis for said superstition. No one actually makes a huge deal about it though - mostly it's just "damn, I knew I shouldn't have put her in a red dress." 

Basing it on a living person's love life though? Not a big fan of that. And blaming EVERYTHING on it, even things that are OBVIOUSLY human error or unpredictable like colds, is just ridiculous and annoying.

[findthej0y]

2020 was supposed to be MY year !

I said I was going to focus heavy on

Healing & Career. The show I dreamed about when I was 16 was finally happening (CeCe Winans Live). Mr. Chaz even offered to pay me more than I’ve ever been offered on a show, and I would’ve gladly worked for free .

Then I was taking my aunt to see exodus on Broadway. When she heard the song this is my exodus she asked how can I write Donald Lawrence , because she had a vision of it on Broadway ! So I wrote him, he ❤️, and months later there was an announcement of the Broadway show !

My final goal was to get strong enough to work full time at Delta . I honestly wanted stay & retire in 20 years . I was going to work as much as possible, and save as much as possible so I could afford the proper healthcare . I was so excited, because I was finally going to the city I wanted, and had an increase in pay coming .

But none of those things happened . Covid canceled big productions, hurt the airline industry. I didn’t qualify for unemployment, and I’m high risk so I couldn’t just go out to get a job working with the public . Honestly this year has been a blur, because I got sick thanksgiving 2019,and I’m still sick. Typically I have at least a good month or some good weeks. This year I’ve had maybe 7 decent days. So it just feels a bit overwhelming.

Now let me get to the point . I’m not seeking sympathy, attention, or having a pity party . I’m sharing this to encourage someone. So none of the things I wanted happened. My reputation & relationship with someone I really respected was ruined due to false accusations ,and miscommunication. Hospital visits , less money , & betrayed by people I thought were my friends. Heck I even got kicked out of online church in the middle of a pandemic ! I was too sick to even get to my own grandmothers funeral.

But God knows the plans he has for us & his timing & will is perfect . In my disappointment I saw myself & where I needed to change . I served my dreams more than I served the dream giver . I was so determined to accomplish something that I didn’t even see I had made it my idol .

I repented to the lord , and he restored me.

My landlord showed mercy when I was behind on rent . I was able to start doing some small work from

Home , and they try to sustain myself. People have been so kind sending cards, food, help with bills, funny memes , and encouragement. After years of feeling undeserving of love I connected with a wonderful man that says I’m worth it for the rest of his Life. I started my podcast , and have heard so many incredible stories that have blessed me . I’ve learned to set boundaries & say no , and not care as much about what others think ... still working on it

My brother was assaulted & the doctors said there was no hope in April, but he’s still here . My nieces & nephews had life threatening situations, but God spared them. The mass they said could possibly be breast cancer , gone!

I have struggled with depression/anxiety For quite some time. So honestly I would think that this year would’ve been the one to take me out . Not only did I have some disappointments, but I’ve been pretty much isolated most of the year . Although I definitely have still been down, this is the first year since 2008 that I did not make a plan or an attempt on my life .

I have prayed & studied more . I had a heart to heart with my aunt , and it was freeing . I haven’t gone hungry, and finally stuck to that New Years resolution of cooking at home more. 🤷🏾‍♀️😂. God has done a marvelous thing in my life. I’m not good enough, but God chose me anyway . So no matter what comes your way always remember to find the joy . God cares for you so much & has great plans for you!

[mamawelp]

It’s been awhile since I’ve been back on tumblr, but my shits gotten so bad lately that I need something, some kind of outlet. I feel so goddamn alone and my mind feels so stretched thin that if it doesn’t just completely snap, it surely will never fully recover. I thought I was getting better for a while, but the stress of the last three years has taken a toll. My daughter is everything to me, and I feel like I started out with so much joy and energy. Little by little my energy has run down and I have no way of resting to recuperate it. I have no friends, my family is toxic, and my fiancé is in a word, awful. He’s manipulative, a gas lighter, liar, he blames, critiques, always angry, so fucking angry all of the time. He uses my limitations against me and I’m stuck with him. I’m disabled, I have zero money to my name, zero support system, and I’m afraid if I tried to leave him, I wouldn’t be able to bring my daughter with me, or more to the point, he would fight for custody and win. I can’t even trust him to watch our daughter for half an hour. He falls asleep and she gets hurt or makes just the most epic messes of all time. My executive function has gone out the window almost entirely because I am severely disabled and the only one caring for our daughter 24/7. I’m the only one worrying for her, planning for her, teaching her, dressing her, feeding her, changing her. I can’t do for myself anymore because every drop of energy goes to her and there is never a break. And yet he holds it over my head that I’m not doing enough. I am so lost in this depression and loneliness and it’s not fair to her, and meanwhile this man doesn’t even care about his daughter enough to let me have a break. If he does miraculously take her out of the house, he takes her to his moms house, so someone else will watch her. Still, it’s the only way he can be trusted with her.

I hadn’t left the house in a while. It’s hard for me to get out when there isn’t a pandemic, and the longer I stay in the worse it gets. There were more months in the year than times I went inside a public place in 2020. I went outside a few times, but it’s hard for me to even step out on my front porch, or go into my back yard. Sometimes I forget there’s a pandemic going on out there because I have simply not experienced the masks, hand sanitizers, temperature checks, and empty toilet paper aisles. If I need something, I order it or he goes out to get it. Yesterday I felt cabin fever kicking in again. I always have a low grade cabin fever, it’s been like this for 12 years, but the cabin fever has to be greater than the anxiety and mixed with a touch of mania for me to be like, “must leave now.” So I said let’s go get something to eat. I meant a drive through. When I get out of the house, I stay in the car the whole time, even before the pandemic. We were pulling away from Taco Bell and I mentioned that I thought the nacho fries were loaded because of a picture. He started asking me what loaded fries were. I know that he knows what loaded fries are. So I said loaded, like loaded fries. And he kept insisting I explain what was loaded. At that point I had no idea what he wanted from me so I had no answer that was acceptable for him and we ended up getting in a ridiculous argument over goddamn loaded fries. Turns out he wanted the precise toppings I thought were on the loaded fries, that evidently doesn’t even exist. I misinterpreted a picture. All because I misinterpreted a picture and he felt I should have memorized the menu in anticipation of him asking me what loaded fries were. It was awful and so fucking stupid. All I wanted was to leave the house for 20 minutes. We ended up arguing the whole way home and in the kitchen. By the time I started trying to calm myself down I realized that I had been completely triggered in an episode. By which I mean that time felt different. My episodic memory was skewed. There were blank spots in my memory when I had become the most frustrated and confused. Everything was coming back to me in flashes or pictures and feelings. Which screws me, because if he can trigger me to lose pieces of time, then he can control the narrative. He said that I was demeaning him and making him feel stupid for asking. That was never my intention, I legitimately didn’t understand what he was asking me. It wasn’t until I calmed down that I remembered his crack at the window when we got our food. He made sure the window was open and the lady was there to chide me on being indecisive and worrying about what other people were ordering. Like I was a child. (We always get the 12 taco box, but I got a meal this time and wanted to know if he was going to get the party box, because if he was, then I shouldn’t get the combo meal. Like not a big deal, but an important distinction if you’re not trying to waste food or money.) It was a ridiculous argument and I feel a little silly trying to go into every minutiae detail of trying to order our food, but I don’t feel like I did anything wrong and got ridiculed and then grilled over the Taco Bell menu. Anyway...

It’s hard for me to leave by myself, that requires a whole other recipe of confidence and mania. I usually feel like I need another adult as a life line. I just don’t know why I keep feeling like I can use him as a life line. He does this every time we go somewhere. In fact I stopped going to the grocery in large part because he was the only one left who would go with me and he ends up disappearing the second we’re in the door, or he criticizes me for being so slow or browsing, or not taking the most military like detailed path through the store. Because no matter what you are doing, he could do it better, and he’s going to tell you all about it. I use to shop with his brother, or my best friend, but his brother isn’t around as much anymore and my best friend/sister since kindergarten is severely disabled now as well. I have told him a million times that my senses get overloaded in the store and that I have to take it slow, that I have to stay calm and collected, or I won’t be able to continue shopping, but he doesn’t care. I think he wants me to fail.

I stopped driving us places because he constantly criticizes me. He tells me which parking place I should have taken as I pass it which always sort of deletes my brain a little and then he uses that second of confusion in me to jump in full force about what I “always do” wrong and “why don’t you” ever and when I finally get parked it “took me long enough” and what’s the difference between that spot and the spot he said. Usually the spot is closeness to the door. He will park at the very edge of the parking lot knowing I won’t want to go in if he does, while I look for a closer spot so I can easily exit the store. My entire body is exhausted by the time I leave, so I know I will need to park closer. I’ve told him this, he knows this. The parking is just an example. He uses the entire drive to somewhere to poke at me until I am a mess of anxiety and then I no longer have the energy for whatever we’re doing. I do just fine when I drive by myself or someone else. Just to be clear, there’s nothing wrong with my driving, I don’t speed, I don’t follow anyone too closely, I don’t run red lights, slam on breaks just to piss someone off, I don’t swerve through heavy traffic, I don’t roll my window down to yell at people, I don’t cut people off and yell at them for it, I don’t act like I own the road, but he does. He does all of those things. He gets so angry in the car and it makes you feel so uncomfortable and anxious you’ll melt into the seat. It’s awful. He’s awful.

When our daughter was born, I had a renewed since of confidence. I stopped saying sorry and I started just getting pissed. In a way it has backfired though, because now I’m pissed and bitter and he acts like I’m the one abusing him for calling him out on his shitty behavior. Basically he’ll pull some asshole move, I say hey that was wrong of you and he acts completely dejected and will sarcastically say, “you’re right, I’m the asshole.” He makes it impossible to argue with him. He will make shit up, twist my words to fit his narrative, describe to me MY intentions (which is never correct), he will change his story and say it’s been his story all along, he will switch sides of the argument in the middle and tell you your argument was his and his was yours the whole time so that he feels he’s come out on top, and mostly, when you prove him wrong, he will simply deny anything happened directly to my face when we both witnessed it and he will expect it to end there. If I try to say any more about something that he decides didn’t happen he will yell at me to shut up and he will put a hole in the wall or in a door to punish me.

When I try to talk about a health issue that has been plaguing me, he often will make a stupid joke, change the subject, or just interrupt me and bulldoze right over, but it doesn’t fail, within 2 weeks he will be complaining about the EXACT same thing, and if I don’t take him seriously, I am the asshole who doesn’t care and only ever wants to talk about my health.

He ruins every holiday. Without fail. The night before a party with my family, he will purposefully sabotage his sleep, get a few hours and then wake up as the grumpiest person ever. He has on multiple occasions said that if I remind him that we need to be to bed early he will have to stay up. Making it my fault that he stayed up because I presented an opportunity to rebel against someone and he has to take it. Seriously. He doesn’t do this with the same frequency or intensity for his own family parties of course. He acts completely embarrassing in front of my family. He will talk down to me, or get drunk and start lying poorly to family members trying to seem interesting.

So anyway. That’s life in a nutshell right now. And if anything, I’ve got my feelings out so I could easily recall them if I needed to for anything more ... official. It’s hard for me to compile all of my thoughts on all of the things. My memory is shot to hell and it’s easy to get caught up in “well maybe he’s right” when I can’t see the whole picture. My grammar and structure is not the greatest, but my daughter will be waking up from her nap soon, so it will have to do.

[sweetdreamr]

okay so who wants to hear about my bisexual angst and mom issues

warning: if you are dealing with a shit ton of crap yourself right now and can’t handle one more thing, maybe avoid this post.

So I met an awesome girl around summer of 2020, and we were dating until pretty recently, when we put things on pause. Largely because of COVID and also some pretty severe issues with my mom that have cropped up.

Mom is extra, super terrified of COVID. I don’t blame her for that, it’s fucking terrifying. What I take issue with is her getting angry/yelling at me virtually any time I went out to see my girlfriend. Because of COVID, she says (and that is a huge factor), though I think there’s more to it than that.

Why? She didn’t start hardcore objecting until I wanted to spend the night. In the last argument we had, she muttered something like, “are you sixteen or something why do you need to have a sleepover”. As if I hadn’t already explained that I was actively dating this woman.

Even though I’ve tried to talk to her, adult to adult. Even though I have tried to compromise by wearing a mask for ten days straight after having seen said girlfriend, and steering clear of family members. Anytime I try, she shuts me the fuck down like I’m an eight-year-old who is getting out of line. It’s beyond frustrating. I AM THIRTY FUCKING EIGHT.

Let me say before you dismiss me as being entirely selfish, that my mother does not seem to object to my sister visiting her in-laws for dinner the night before and coming to see US the next day. Nor does she object to me going to work every day (yes, I wear a mask there, but I work with children and kids are tiny germ factories at the best of times.) So why it’s a huge issue that I want to go and see ONE person kind of leaves me scratching my head.

Mom claims that I shouldn’t be so hung up on a woman who ‘doesn’t understand the pandemic situation’ and ‘is forcing me into this position’. I get why she probably thinks  that, since she and I have never really had issues like this in the past. We always thought so much alike, or at least it seemed that way. We have rarely even had had arguments.

As for the girl I am/was dating? I know she’s been frustrated lately too, as I’ve had to cancel plans with her in the past due to said god-awful fights with my mother. Last time I actually did make it to her place, only to have a small breakdown right on her couch. I felt better being with her, but the shadow of my mom’s anger basically ruined our evening. That’s when we decided to put things on pause. I don’t like it and I’m not happy with this resolution. But I couldn’t ask her to date me AND my mom’s issues. That’s not a fair situation. Really nothing about this IS fair. But here we are.

don’t get me wrong, I’m disappointed that over the last several months, the girl I dated seems reluctant to commit. I can’t bring myself to be angry about it, though. What i wish is that it was her and me coming to the decision ourselves, based on what was best for both of us as individuals.

Also, i’m sad and I miss her.

So as of right now, I feel very much alone. I don’t know if I still have a romantic relationship, and my mother and I are barely speaking. Everyone is out of the house today so it’s just me and my own horrible thoughts, which paint me either as a gutless coward or a selfish bitch.

I don’t have a quick solution here, but I have at least some ideas. That at least is one good thing to come out of this situation.

I’ve realized that I need my own space to grow as a person. As much as I love my family, I need to establish some independence and some serious boundaries. I am lucky in that this dream could actually be within reach, as the one blessing of 2020 for me came in the form of a job with benefits. I guess we’ll see. also I want a cat and Mom hates them so

[book-diction]

Bye 2020. Hello 2021.

I usually make my New Year posts on Livejournal (yes, I consider it useful even though it kinda belongs to the dinosaur-age of internet now) but I found out that my previous post for the past new years went missing, so I’m gonna post my annual post here. 

Anyways, there’s a part of me that wants to bawl my eyes out because of 2020, and there’s another part of me that is somehow, grateful, to the events that happened in 2020. Of course the pandemic ruined everything. My travel plans to Japan and Europe have to be cancelled. I lost a job in the airline industry that I have loved doing for almost 4 years. I was feeling so down because I spent my birthday in quarantine, my boss wasn’t helping me boost my morale at all, I couldn’t spend my time with friends. I couldn’t move on properly in every aspect of my life. Especially after getting retrenched, I didn’t know how to move forward and my head were just full of regrets and what ifs. My financial status was spiraling down because I keep on stress-buying things that I don’t really need right now (ehem kpop merch and books) 

But, seeing how the year ended for me, I can kind of see why those things were allowed to happen. It was a time and way for me to slowly heal myself and find time to pause. I can’t really say that I’ve found my purpose yet or have determined the path that I want to take, but I was able to figure out what are the things that are important to me, and what version of myself do I like the most. I learned what I like and what I do not tolerate as a person. I learned how to be do more self-care and that what matters the most is what I feel about myself, not what others think of me. I always say that but for some reason, it has always been my realization every year.

For 2021, I don’t want to expect anything at all. But I’ve setup my bujo just so I can feel as if I know where the starting line is and I guess to keep my anxiety of the future in control. The big plot twist for me in December 2020 is a got my job back, but with the competitor company. It’s still so weird for me that something that I lost came back, however the conditions are much different. Despite that, I’m still grateful that I’m given an opportunity to continue a job that I loved doing. I am still very nervous about it but I try to lessen my worry and anxieties about by reminding myself that I know I can do it, that I can stop if it does not make me feel good about myself anymore.

Overall, I welcome 2021 with a melancholic mindset but still, very hopeful that everything will turn out for the better. So, Cheers to the New Year and may it brings us all better days.

[ajapablog]

Corona Chronicles I

Day two of social isolation entailed drinking copious amounts of coffee to suppress my appetite so I don’t gain tonnes of weight (very easy to do given that our pantry is overflowing), grading, doing laundry, drinking beer, making and eating pizza (I’m telling you, I am going to blow up like a balloon in the next few weeks unless I stick to one meal a day) and reading random news. I did not get any writing done. So here I am faux-writing to get rid of the guilt. I want to see if I can write a blog post every day till things get slightly more normal. 

In the News:

The man who caught the virus again:  A 40-something-year old Mr. Wang of Hubei, China who took a full month to recover from the virus was tested positive again. See: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8055857/Coronavirus-patient-recovered-disease-tests-positive-four-days-later.html

Americans try to buy-out scientific knowledge on potential vaccination against the virus:  A German company has been offered huge sums of money by the United States for breakthrough scientific knowledge on vaccination against the virus. This bothers me because this is a pandemic and scientific knowledge should be shared. Although, because I live in the US, if I get Covid 19, I might have a good shot at inoculation. I remember that in the Early Modern Period, China would hire experts and pay copious amounts of money to all kinds of Europeans for their superior cartographic skills. Things don’t seem to change much, do they? See: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/15/world/europe/cornonavirus-vaccine-us-germany.html

The virus mutates: Viruses are the worst. They map on to our genetic information and they mutate making them utterly difficult to fight. The reason they are so stubborn is because they become a part of our evolutionary journey. The ones that mutate have no cure. They have the possibility of destroying us and destroying themselves in the process, unless they jump species, which this one seems to do fairly easily. This stupid virus might outlive our entire species. Arrrgghhhh. See: https://www.todayonline.com/world/chinese-studies-link-quarantines-coronavirus-mutations-may-make-it-more-insidious

The virus stops us from going out:  JB Pritzker, the governor of Illinois ordered all bars and restaurants closed, effectively instituting a shutdown. I have mixed feelings about this: not only because I miss going out but because I think a lot of people live on tips. But on the flip side, Pritzker’s critique of the federal government was scathing. I’d take Chicago over New York, a progressive governor over a loony bin TV star turned head of state any day. See: https://chicago.cbslocal.com/2020/03/15/gov-pritzker-announces-closure-of-all-illinois-bars-and-restaurants-effective-monday-due-to-coronavirus-crisis/

Italians Sing Against Social Isolation:  I feel terribly sorry for Italians. I texted my Italian friend asking if her family is alright (she’s in France herself with her husband) but she seemed slightly annoyed that I asked. Maybe she has been getting that question a lot so I didn’t push it. She told me they are in quarantine and doing okay, I left it at that. But the most heartening news is that Italians sang from their windows to each other fighting against social death and isolation. My mom who recently discovered Bella Ciao was delighted to report that Italians ironically sang this resistance song filled with imagery of death and martyrdom in these dark hours. Speaking of which, maybe this is the time to watch Money Heist on Netflix. See: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxakLRW9oZ4

The Runaway Nagpur Bride:  Everyone has been talking about her. Apparently, a google techie and his newly wed bride (25 year old *eye roll*) went on a vacation around Europe. The guy started feeling sick. Before he even got tested, his wife ran away. She (what a fucking idiot!) took a plane, a train, a bus and an auto rickshaw and went all the way back to Agra to her parents, exposing thousands, if not millions, of Indians to the virus. The Indian health authorities had a tough time tracing everyone who could have come in contact with her. Furthermore, when her parents evaded the attempts from authorities to retrieve and test her, the district magistrate had to issue a warrant and she was finally “captured,” tested (positive) and isolated.  What a nightmare! But also as I was telling a friend: very Indian. In the small pox epidemic of 1889, Indians kept running away from hospitals where they were forced to stay in isolation. See: https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/agra/techie-had-not-tested-positive-when-his-wife-left-bengaluru-google/articleshow/74618637.cms

Love in the time of Corona:  I like the internet’s play on Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s famous novel Love in the Time of Cholera. I, unfortunately, have not read the entire book; my dad is a big Marquez fan but I don’t think I understand magic realism too well. I digress. The internet’s play on Marquez’s book is great because it reminds us that we are after all, human, all too human. I don’t think I would’ve liked to live alone during these times, I would’ve gone insane with existential dread. I might hate my roommates at the end of this but I am grateful that they exist right now. I think I feel some kind of love towards them. Death makes eros and desire for life (which i call love) all the more urgent and dire. I am scared of dying alone and unloved or dying without having loved enough.  I call my parents every morning and every night before I go to bed. I worry about my sister. I tell myself that if I emerge out of this, and the world still exists in some form that it does now, I want to have a child. I don’t have illusions or expectations of love from any man. They are nice but I probably confuse them and antagonize them. So I don’t expect them to understand the bizarre mess that I am. Ah well. I want to have a child, with or without a man, if I survive this. (I hope my parents don’t read this.) I am slightly peeved that this virus will most likely ruin my plans to go to India over the summer to do my research, work my summer job. I guess I might just have to wait till next summer to go back. 

For now, I have to go to a meeting tomorrow. I really dread getting out of this house. More updates soon. 

Bella Ciao. 

[omnomwithrob]

I’ve eaten nine birthday cakes, and I still feel empty.

If you’ve been wondering why I was especially thankful for our little pre-Thanksgiving meal of 2020, it’s because...I had no sense of taste by the time the actual Thanksgiving rolled around. Yep, COVID caught up with us - I figure we must have picked it up while househunting, since we left home for little else back then. While I know I can’t complain because we had the privilege to take care of ourselves and emerge healthily on the other side, it was still a bummer to get it right before the biggest food holiday of the year. And losing your sense of taste with no idea when it will come back is really depressing. 

My symptoms emerged first, among the three of us, and when I lost my sense of taste a few days before Thanksgiving, I realized the clock was ticking for Rob. I didn’t want his birthday on the 30th to be ruined any more than it already was, so rather than waiting until his actual birthday, I decided to serve his birthday cake on Thanksgiving day. Which was a real twist, since usually it’s Thanksgiving plans that can sometimes overshadow his birthday, not the other way around. 

Back when we lived in Madison, Rob worked at a lovely Spanish restaurant called Estrellon, and it had the most AMAZING basque cake. It was like a super rich pound cake with a thick, golden crust that had no business being as good as it was. I actually explored ordering one from Estrellon (which sadly didn’t survive the pandemic), but I was on my own with this Basque Cake recipe from Spanish Sabores.

I had never made a cake with a method like this - you make two different mixes, a cake mix and a pastry cream. Then you pipe a layer of cake mix into the pan, then a layer of pastry cream, and then another layer of cake mix - all before you bake it!

This was kind of a comedy of errors for me. Piping a stodgy batter on top of a loose puddle pastry cream did not go smoothly, and I had to use my hands to do damage control. I was not optimistic. 

But it was so pretty when it came out! And the slices we had for a little snack on Thanksgiving afternoon were beautiful.  

I must admit, I have no idea what this cake tasted like, but I’m happy to report on the texture. Unfortunately, I think I overcooked it  - it was pretty dry on the edges, but you could still find some moist texture closer to the middle. Baked pastry cream is also kind of an odd, gummy little guy, and overall the cake was dense and heavy and reminded me more of a cookie dough than like the basque cake I could remember from Estrellon. But Rob (who could still taste!) loved it, and I do love a cake that I can put together with ingredients I readily have available in my pantry. I can also vouch for the helpfulness of jam on later servings of this cake for disguising the dryness. 

Rob was now adequately sugared-up to assist me in making Thanksgiving dinner, which I insisted on doing for some reason, even though I was sick and wouldn’t be able to taste it. Something about not making Thanksgiving dinner just seemed really sad to me, and in hindsight, I do think there was something important psychologically about going through those motions during a time when so little could be normal. Anyway, here’s Rob carving the turkey, which is that part that’s in focus like God intended. 

I held each and every bite of this meal in my mouth and willed my nose and tongue to make sense of it. Alas, I have nothing to report about this meal because I could not taste it. Hope it was good. 

It was fun trying a new cake recipe, even though I don’t think it came out very well. Being up against the clock for losing one’s sense of taste made it a particularly unique challenge (and sure enough, Rob’s taste was gone by the time of his actual birthday). I’m sure I’ll try making basque cake again - in fact, there’s a recipe for it I’d like to try in Dessert Person, which Rob gifted me for my birthday this year. Till then, basque cake will be preserved in my memory as the cake we ate on what was probably the strangest birthday Rob’s ever had.

Caroline

[johnhardinsawyer]

Tearing Open the Heavens

John Sawyer

Bedford Presbyterian Church

11 / 29 / 20 – First Sunday of Advent

Mark 13:24-37

Isaiah 64:1-9

“Tearing Open the Heavens”

(Hoping is the Cure)

Last night, I had to send an e-mail to some members of our church asking them to not come to worship this morning.  With Covid cases on the rise, the Session of our congregation has lowered the number of people in the sanctuary for our livestream from 20 people back down to 10 people – spread out, in a room that can seat 400.  This is one thing we are doing to try to keep our people safe, but as a pastor, it breaks my heart to uninvite people to church.  O, how I wish things were different!  O, how I hope that things will change soon!  I’m willing to guess that I might not be all alone in my wishing and hoping.  In fact, I’m willing to guess that sometime over the past nine months you – and a whole lot of other people – have likely wished and hoped that things would be different from the way they really are.

It might be some small comfort to know that we are not the only people in history to go through difficult times and wish that things were different.  We are not the only people in history to hope for something better, either.

The people who first heard the words of today’s reading from the Book of Isaiah were wishing and hoping for better days, but they were still in the middle of a big mess.  In Isaiah, God’s people are not doing right – not living right – and, even though they get plenty of warnings, they don’t change their ways.  So, life gets really hard for them for a long time.  It’s really messy.  And yet, in the middle of this big mess, we can find some of the most beautiful and hopeful language in the whole Bible.  Today’s passage from Isaiah, is not one of those beautiful and hopeful passages, though.

The people who heard today’s reading for the first time were sitting in the ruins of a destroyed city after returning from exile in a foreign land.  And the prayer that the author of today’s reading prays is not a joyful one.  Now, I am paraphrasing here, but this is basically the prayer:

O that you would tear open the heavens, God,

and actually show up.  

Make the mountains quake, O God.  

Light the forests on fire until the waters boil over.

           Make the nations – all the peoples of the earth –

                      stop in their tracks and be in awe of you.

This is what you used to do, O God. . .

      Why won’t you do it now?

                       You work for those who wait for you. . .

                                   Well, God, we’re waiting. . .

           Is it because you’re angry with us, God?

                       We are pretty sinful, aren’t we?

           Nobody calls on you anymore.

                       Nobody reaches out to you anymore.

                       It’s like you’ve hidden your face from us

                                    and left us sitting in the middle of this mess.[1]

You know, if there were a passage of scripture in the running that was kind of tailor made for capturing the mood of people of faith in the year 2020, these ancient words from Isaiah just might be it.  We are in a mess, aren’t we?  We are in a mess and we want to not be in said mess.  And so we wish and hope that things will get better.  Could it be possible that something might happen – someone might come and fix it all?  And, no, I’m not necessarily talking about Dr. Fauci, though that would be nice.  What if God would come down and make things right – help us pick up the pieces, give us what we truly need?  “O, that you would tear open the heavens, God, and fix this – fix us. . .”

It should be noted, that the act of asking God to tear open the heavens and show up does come with a Biblical warning label.  In the Book of Amos, the Prophet Amos – who lived around the same time as the Prophet Isaiah – wrote,

Alas for you who desire the day of the Lord!  Why do you want the day of the Lord?  It is darkness, not light; as if someone fled from a lion, and was met by a bear; or went into the house [a place of safety] and rested a hand against the wall, and was bitten by a snake.  (Amos 5:18-19)  

The so-called Day of the Lord could end up biting you on the rear end if you’re not careful, Amos is saying.  

He goes on to say that if you really want God to show up, then your relationship with God needs to be in a good place.  For example, when the holiday festivals are just for partying and not for God, or when offerings are made just to help people feel good about themselves, or when the singing – no matter how beautiful it may be – is just for those doing the singing and not for God, God isn’t impressed by any of it.  What God wants is “justice that rolls down like waters and righteousness that flows like an ever-flowing stream.”  (5:24)  In other words, if we’re not willing to work for the things that God wants – to live them out with all of our hearts and minds and souls, and to seek God’s kingdom on earth, as it is in heaven – then God isn’t interested in whatever else we might want to half-heartedly offer to the Lord.  

So, Amos is saying, if you want God to show up, it might not end up turning out like you want it to.  God might just ask something more from us in an effort to answer our own prayers.  And sometimes, when God answers our prayers, the answers we get from God are something like, “I hear you John, but not yet,” or “Not as you will, John, but as I will.” Now, this doesn’t mean that we should stop asking God to come and fix things.  Because God is in the business of not just fixing, but restoring and making all of creation new.  At least, this is what we – as people of faith – hope with all our hearts.  I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for God to do something like this.

As Jesus tells us, though, in today’s reading from the Gospel of Mark, when we find ourselves hoping that God will show up then we need to be ready – because we do not know when the day of the Lord will come.  Just so you know, Jesus also gives us a warning about the Day of the Lord – echoing some of the words of Amos.  And then, Jesus says,

But about that day or hour no one knows, neither the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.  Beware, keep alert, for you do not know when the time will come. . .  And what I say to you, I say to all:  Keep awake. (Mark 13:32-33, 37)

In other words, we can pray for God to come – we can wait and watch for God to come, but we do need to be alert. . . to keep awake.

Now, there are some among us who might joke with Jesus, saying that staying awake really isn’t a problem these days, especially with all that is going on in the world.  In the weeks before and after the November 3 election, I talked to multiple people who had a hard time sleeping and found themselves awake at all hours of the night.  I’d be lying if I said that my own sleep hasn’t been disrupted by all kinds of things – large and small.  I know that I’m not the only one, though, with Covid cases on the rise, and regular holiday plans disrupted, and families separated from one another, and tough conversations about race taking place, and small businesses on the skids while the stock market booms, and at-home school conflicting with at-home work (not enough hours in the day and not enough bandwidth), and conspiracies abounding about all kinds of things because nobody trusts anybody anymore, it’s no wonder that people are having a hard time – sleeping, and getting along, and just plain living. . .  O, that God would tear open the heavens and grant us some rest and relief from all of this. . .

You know, I have been thinking about today’s passage from the Book of Isaiah for years.  I preached a sermon about it fairly early in my time as a pastor and I remember telling the story of going to visit a friend of mine.  I was driving to her home in Atlanta, looking forward to having dinner with her, and her husband, and their baby boy.  When I arrived at the house, my friend and her baby were there but the husband was not.  And, over dinner, she shared with me that she had recently asked her husband to move out.  This was the first time she had to do this, but it wouldn’t be the last.  I was shocked.  I had known her since high school and had sung at their wedding.  I remember being equal parts sad for her and so angry at her husband.  I wanted something to happen and I remember praying for God to show up and fix this mess because there was no way that I, or anyone else, could.  But, as I said a moment ago, sometimes, God’s answer to our prayers are “Not yet,” or “Not as you will, but as I will.”

Years have gone by.  My friend’s baby boy is now in high school.  She, as a single mother, has raised her son and his little brother, surrounded by a community of people who have offered support along the way.  It takes a village, you know. . .  

This past spring, one of the members of that village – a neighbor who is a widower – brought some food to my friend while she was very sick with Covid-19.  And. . . wouldn’t you know it. . .  the gift of that meal and the presence of someone who cared caused love to blossom between the two of them in the middle of a pandemic.  It probably didn’t look like any of the hopes that either of them or any of us ever had, years ago – in the midst of such tragedy and pain – but sometimes that’s the way it goes with hope.  God does answer prayer – not always with romance, but always with the pure and holy and life-giving divine love that is revealed to us in Jesus Christ . . .  As Isaiah says, “God does work for those who wait.”

This is the first Sunday in the Season of Advent.  The word for Advent in the Greek means “arrival” or “presence” – like the “arrival and presence of someone who is the only one who can deal with a situation.”[2]  Throughout the New Testament, this word is used to describe the arrival of God’s presence in some great and glorious and final way – with thunder and clouds and earth-shattering wonder.  And, maybe that’s the way it one day will be.

For now, though, we place our hope in the One who hears our prayers and tears open the heavens to be born among us – God-with-us, Emmanuel in our hearts and souls. . .  This is the surest sign we have that things will not always be the way they are – the promise that God has something greater than the way things really are at the present in store for us and for all creation.

In this season of Advent – this season of watching and waiting for something more, something better – I hope that hoping is the cure. . .  hoping in the revealing of the Holy in our midst, the arrival of the One who will and does make all things right and new.

We are awake.  We are watching.  We are waiting.  We are hoping.

Come, Lord Jesus.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

--------------

[1] Isaiah 64:1-7.  Paraphrased, JHS.

[2] Walter Bauer, A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian Literature (Chicago:  University of Chicago Press, 1979) 630.  https://biblehub.com/str/greek/3952.htm.

[geordiesaffer-blog]

What day is it again? If you're like me, the days seem to be simply running into each other--one day seems just like the one before to the point where I really have to stop and think, "Is this Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday... ???" This seems to be our "new normal" for a while--quite a while, I think. This COVID-19 pandemic has me unable to settle--I flit from one thing to the next and I can't maintain my focus on anything. I haven't left my house in two weeks since self-quarantining after our plane flight on March 21st. I've walked out onto my patio a few times on the rare occasions when the sun was shining, but that's it. We are not supposed to be out at all in our area except for "life-sustaining" purposes (getting groceries, visiting the doctor, etc.). How are you all coping? Thank goodness I have my stitching and other hobbies to enjoy at home and keep my mind off the increasingly dire reports on the spread of the virus. I try not to look at the news, but, it's hard not to be drawn into it at the same time. As my youngest son said, this is probably one of the few times in history that the entire world is on the same side, fighting the same battle.I thought you might like to see a couple "pretties" today to give you a break from dwelling on that "thing" that has consumed our lives... I actually finished this piece in early March, before things got so worrisome. "Be Happy, Humble, & Kind" is a design by With Thy Needle and Thread stitched on 40 ct. vintage country mocha using a variety of overdyed threads from my stash.  The colors were what first drew me to this piece along with the sentiment. "Be Happy, Humble, and Kind" finishI changed the color of the man's face, hands and legs to DMC 950.A beautiful, big white house, but I'd hate to wash all those windows! Being "happy" may be a bit more difficult these days, but better days will come again!Be Kind:  one thing we can all practice--no matter what is going on around us!The latest issue (Spring 2020) of Punch Needle and Primitive Stitching" Magazine has so many adorable charts. I was immediately drawn to this robin sitting on his beautiful blue eggs. It is designed by Subrosa Designs and is called "Bless Our Nest." The original design contained the words "Bless Our Nest" below the basket, but I left them off.  One of my favorite linens, 40 ct. Woodland Newcastle was used--love the way the white shows up on it! I changed all the suggested colors except for the brown on the robin's body, which is Weeks Dye Works "Cocoa." The blue eggs are stitched with Dinky Dyes silk in "Aquamarine"--aren't they lovely? I so enjoyed stitching this one and see more robin stitching in my future!I changed the color of the flowers to white and added yellow Rhodes-stitched centers using Dinky Dyes "Aussie Gold." I also wrapped the vine around the basket handle rather than stitching it all behind as was charted. And here is my final finish--cording made of the same blue silk, a gauzy bow held together with a strip of the aqua blue gingham fabric that I backed it with. I stuck in a few berries in yellow and white, too.I just haven't been motivated to get out any of my stitched bunnies this year--hope I can make myself do so this week. This is ordinarily one of my favorite months to decorate with the pretty pastels of Easter and Springtime. I think if the weather warms up and the sun starts coming out, that will help immensely! We had horrid thunder/rain storms pass through on Saturday! Torrents of water coming down into our yard (which is on a low spot in the neighborhood) with overflow from our pond created this "river" in our side yard for a while and ruined some newly planted landscaping. Sigh... not what we needed right now!A big storm turned our normally grass-covered side yard into a raging "river" last week!Unfortunately, some of the new landscaping we had just put in last fall was damaged, too.How are you managing your grocery shopping? We've been ordering online and picking up in the parking lot of the grocery store, but that is getting increasingly difficult. And you know the one thing we've had the worst time finding (no, not toilet paper!)--flour! Simple baking flour! I guess everyone is engaged in comfort baking these days--I know I am... Cookies, granola, and a new recipe for banana-carrot muffins have been baked here recently. We do have baking flour for bread so I plan on making some in my bread machine this afternoon.  I've included links to the banana-carrot muffin recipe and our favorite chocolate pudding recipe that also made an appearance last week (just click on the name of the recipe below each photo). If this keeps up, I'll come out on the other side of the pandemic having gained 20 pounds!Easy Banana Carrot MuffinsQuick Creamy Chocolate PuddingIt was such fun reading your answers to my "Getting To Know You" questions last week. It appears that the great majority of cross stitchers are introverts (which didn't really surprise me!).  And it was nice to read how many of us take refuge in our other "hobbies" of listening to music, exercise, working puzzles, reading, and gardening when trying to de-stress. So, what question do I have for you today? As always this is just a fun way to get to know each other better--no pressure to participate. Right now, the last thing we need is more pressure, right? 1) What is your favorite comfort food?  Without question, mine is homemade bread with butter--more than chocolate, more than soup, more than macaroni and cheese casserole. I think part of the reason is that the thought (and that wonderful smell!) of just-baked bread takes me right back to my childhood. My Dad used to bake the most wonderful rye bread (two kinds, actually) as a form of stress-relief after long hours spent in the operating room (he was a surgeon). Simply imagining that bread brings instant comfort to me. (He eventually had to stop making it, though, as he was gaining way too much weight!). The days seem to be dragging on and on for me lately. Does anyone else feel that way? I hope that by the next time I post, we will be finding better ways to combat and contain the pandemic. I'm so sorry I haven't responded to your many emails and comments--just haven't felt quite like myself lately, as I'm sure you're feeling, too. I keep seeing scenes on fictional television shows and in movies of people doing "normal" things like eating in restaurants, going to movies and plays, and gathering with their extended families and I find myself feeling quite envious of the way life used to be! I know those days will come again sooner or later...  Take care now, my friends,  and thank you for your condolences and sweet comments in my previous post--they meant so very much to me. Bye for now...  https://www.patternspatch.com/blog/the-end-of-a-month-like-no-other-2/ https://stitchingdream.blogspot.com/2020/03/the-end-of-month-like-no-other.html