#the other kids did instrumental covers or stand up comedy

[flowery-laser-blasts]

Laying in bed, I suddenly have a flashback to music class in highschool: Every class had their own CD recorded for music class.

This means that there are around 21 CD copies out there, featuring me singing "Call me, beep me" and I'm now haunted by that fact.

[socialyawkdude]

A intro to manga, anime and light novels

Hello again, long and first time readers..

Its time for the long-awaited manga review section. Now before we get into the nitty gritty there a few things we need to cover first. Seeing that I will be coving light novels, mangas, and anime there are a few terms that we need to go over. Most of these terms will be covering the different genres and subgenres. Seeing that not everyone is literate in this word, it may be a good idea to cover this before we get into the good stuff.

What I'm about to go over are the genres of light novels, manga, and anime. Like many television shows and movies; manga and anime are broken up into different genres. Many of these are pretty self-explanatory, while others are more unique, as you are about to find out. I have included a few examples with of the sub-genres. I'm no expert, as I’m learning along with a few of you. Some of the examples I've given are some that I've read or heard of.

 List of Major Anime/Manga Genres

Action

Adventure

Comedy

Drama

Slice of Life

Fantasy

Magic

Supernatural

Horror

Mystery

Psychological

Romance

Sci-Fi

 Looking at this list you can see many familiar genres of movies and TV, that you may watch. I won't go into a detailed description of these, because everyone should know these. Now for the sub-genres, it's a bit of a different story. Many of these are unique to anime and manga. It is these that I will give a little description along with a popular anime or manga.

 List of Anime Subgenres

Cyberpunk= This type of anime is a subgenre of sci-fi. It usually displays a future where society has become more ingrained with technology at the expense of social order. The setting is typically a dystopian future where the technology may be doing more harm than good. 

Game= The game category encompasses shows revolving around the idea of gaming and playing. The anime can feature a card game, board game, puzzle game, or even a virtual online game. As long as it concerns any playable game of any kind, it belongs in this category. Sometimes, even video game-based shows can count in this selection.

Ecchi= The word ecchi comes from the sound of H in the word hentai, which in turn means pervert in Japanese. This sub-genre is generally accepted as being full of sexually provocative scenes (mild enough to be viewed by the general audience) and scenarios derived from innuendos and humorous situations. It’s a fact that ecchi shows are taking an upswing nowadays as more and more titles are produced every season. More often than not, ecchi is paired up with comedy as both genres compliment each other well. This, in turn, serves as a buffer that prevents the shows from crossing the line and delving into something less appropriate for general audiences. 

Demons= Originally just an infrequent theme, the rise of demonic characters and themes have given rise to this sub-genre. The term demon does not only encompass literal demon characters. It also extends to other entities such as monsters, beasts, ghosts, and other demon-type figures. The demons present can come from biblical backgrounds or come from Japanese culture. Believe it or not, this category doesn’t just come hand-in-hand with the horror genre; it surprisingly blends well with other genres as well. 

Harem= If you see a reluctant male character surrounded by multiple female characters who all adore him, then you’re probably watching an anime of the harem sub-genre. This type of show typically features more than two female characters go head-over-heels for a single male character. Anime in this category is typically within the comedy and romance genre. It's possible that a harem anime can have no romance and feature mostly slapstick comedy.

Josei= Josei is actually a demographic but is also considered a general category in anime. It specifically targets female viewers around the age range of 18-40. These shows depict life and romance in a more mature light, usually with more grounded realism and less idealistic fantasies. The sub-genre is fairly wide and doesn't necessarily have to focus on romance. It merely needs a narrative that caters to the mature woman. Josei originated from manga during the 80′s. Girls who grew up reading shoujo stories from previous decades wanted stories for adults.

Martial Arts= Martial arts play a big role in every anime that has fighting/battles in it. Whether it's hand-to-hand combat, swordplay, gun fighting, or armed combat, there’s some kind of martial art element that plays through them. But did you know that there are shows that are primarily focused on martial arts itself and their battle techniques? There’s a lot of them, and they mainly involve hand-to-hand combat and technician battles.  

Kids= A lot of people say that anime is just for kids, but that’s not really true. As a matter of fact, there are only a few numbers of anime that are precisely catered towards children. These shows are contained within the kids' sub-genre. These shows are mild, light, and insightful, which makes them perfect for children 12 and under. 

Historical= As the name suggests, historical anime revolves around events in history and moments of antiquity. Shows of this sub-genre are typically set in Ancient Japan and the feudal period. Other settings such as the Middle Ages and medieval period of Europe exist but they’re much more rare in anime. As long as the time or setting (or even elements) are old and ancient, then the series can be considered a historical anime. 

Hentai= Hentai literally translates to "pervert" in Japanese. This is the R-18 (mature) domain of the anime world. This sub-genre commonly depicts nudity and highly explicit content. Unlike ecchi, the focus here is on explicit sexual content rather than on storytelling and narrative progression. That is why the shows in this category are usually brief and lacking in substance.

Isekai= Isekai translates to "another world." This sub-genre typically has a     narrative where a protagonist somehow gets transported to a different     world. The new world is more often than not in a fantasy setting,     occasionally with traits pulled from JRPG games.

This category of anime exploded during the 2010′s and arguably dominated the decade. A good portion of isekai anime is adapted not from the manga but rather from light novels. The most popular series in this sub-genre maybe Sword Art Online. While the world featured there was just virtual reality, it did feature a fantasy setting that would be mimicked in other anime. 

 Military= As the name implies, this sub-genre involves the military in one way or another. War may also be a huge part of military anime. One thing to note about this category is that it is often coupled with the mecha and action genre.

Mecha= Mecha stands for mechanical (as in mechanical units or robots). You’ll never see a mecha anime without a robot or mechanical suit in it. That’s the most important element of it. And while this sub-genre is rising in fame as the days go by, it almost always uses a standard formula to carry the plot. As a general trend, mecha is often seen alongside the military, sci-fi, and action genre.

This may very well be the most iconic anime sub-genre as there is a multitude of memorable shows in this category. The mecha can be considered to be one of Japan's most popular exports. Some of the earlier iconic titles from the late 70s and 80′s include Mobile Suit Gundam, Mazinger Z, and Super Dimension Fortress Macross. Neon Genesis Evangelion is considered to be an iconic and dark deconstruction of the genre as it examined the psyche of young pilots. GurrenLagann was a massive hit that brought the genre back to its hot-blooded and idealistic roots. With a rabid fan-base that loves mecha designs, this genre is one that has been consistently popular over the years. 

Music= Anime shows in the music sub-genre aren’t that popular nowadays, but they do exist and they are very timely. These shows typically focus on singing, dancing, or playing musical instruments. These usually fit within the larger categories of comedy and drama.

Parody= A parody anime is one where countless numbers of other anime references are showcased throughout the plot. It might be a popular running gag, a famous symbol, a character reference, or any other attempt at bringing another show into its domain. One anime worthy to note is Gintama. They often use similar elements from other anime to showcase in their own show.

Police= The police sub-genre emphasizes the life and struggles of law enforcement in their line of duty. Police-based characters have shown up in numerous shows and     there are now anime that could be considered as police procedural. This genre isn't exclusive to police officers; detectives, investigators, and enforcers of any type are included as well. 

Post-Apocalyptic= Post-apocalyptic anime basically show that is set in a world that is in a dystopian state. This could mean the world is destroyed and/or humans are nearly extinct. Post-apocalyptic settings were merely a theme in the past, but an influx of titles bearing this backdrop over the years have made it become a sub-genre on its own. This type of anime has become more and more popular by the day. 

Reverse Harem= A reverse harem anime is typically a harem series where the gender roles are switched around. There is one female character surrounded by multiple male characters who are all potential love interests. Like the traditional harem genre, anime of this variety is usually within the comedy and romance genre.

School= There are countless anime that use the school as a setting. An anime can be considered a part of the school sub-genre if a school is the primary setting and the anime deals mostly with school and student life. This type of anime is usually seen within the comedy genre, though there are some entries in drama as well. 

Seinen= Seinen is actually a demographic but is also considered to be a category in anime. It’s a sub-genre that specifically targets male viewers around the age range of 18-40. The shows here are depicted in a more mature light and often include more explicit content such as gore, sex, and violence. More cerebral narratives are present as well.

Shoujo= Shoujo refers to the demographic of young girls. This sub-genre specifically targets female viewers around the age range of 10-18. Most of the time, shoujo anime works hand-in-hand with the romance and comedy genre, particularly with the former. The protagonist is traditionally female and the narrative focuses on romance as well as personal growth. The world in these shows is often very idealized.

Shoujo-ai= Shoujo-ai literally translates to "girls love." The typically young female characters in shojou-ai anime show love and affection for each other. The romance is usually milder in comparison to the more explicit yuri genre. Shows in this category portray blooming feelings of love and romance rather than intimate relationships. 

Shounen= Shounen refers to the demographic that this type of anime targets, which is male viewers around the age range of 10-18. These shows are usually a combination of action and adventure and are typically adapted from serial manga series. As such, these anime tend to have lengthy runs. One Piece currently has over 800 episodes and is still running. These shows are typically the most popular with mainstream audiences. They have done very well when exported to foreign markets thanks to their relatively simple plots and focus on action.

Shounen-ai= Shounen-ai literally translates to "boys love." The male characters (typically younger boys) in these shows display tender affection for each other. The romance in shounen-ai is generally milder when compared to the more explicit yaoi genre. There is usually more focus on developing romance than actual relationships.

Space= The setting of space has always been massively popular. With so much anime taking place there, it has become a sub-genre in itself. Any anime set in the cosmos can be labeled in this category. Space anime is often within the larger mecha and sci-fi genre. 

Sports= Pretty much self-explanatory, sports anime are shows that cover characters engaging in athletic competition. Popular choices in this category include basketball, tennis, baseball, and soccer. Other sports exist as well (including those that you wouldn’t expect showing up in anime). As time goes on, more and more of these series are produced. Just like real sports, shows in this sub-genre are action-packed!

Super Power= You know you're watching a superpower anime if you're seeing an array of explosive superpowers scrambling right on the screen. If you see bursts of energy balls, death-defying attacks, and opposing forces battling it out throughout the story, then that means you're probably witnessing a show in this sub-genre. These shows generally fit in the action category.

Tragedy= As the name implies, the tragedy sub-genre revolves around tragic events or phenomenon where the characters are deeply involved and affected. Tragedy comes in diverse varieties such as disasters, accidents, misfortunes, and deaths. These shows are often very dramatic and can pull the heartstrings of audiences.

Vampire= As vampires have become so popular throughout the world, it’s no shock that they’ve also infested the world of anime. There are lots of titles now featuring vampires and they’re not just exclusive to the horror category. They’ve also manifested themselves into other categories such as comedy, romance, and drama.

Yuri= Yuri is essentially the more mature and explicit version of shojou-ai. The female characters are typically older and the series examines their more mature relationships.

Yaoi= Yaoi is the much more sexually explicit counterpart of shounen-ai. This sub-genre covers male-to-male relationships (typically older boys) in a more mature light. There is more emphasis on serious relationships and intimacy.

 Well, there you go… a not so short overview of the genre and sub-genres of anime, manga, and light novels. Hopefully, this will help newcomers to this wonderful of books and tv. It is now time to reveal the first series in the socallyawkdude’s manga review….. Tales of Wedding Rings by Maybe.  The volume 1 review should be up soon, as i’m finishing up the art work for the post.

Till then this is your friendly neighborhood sociallyawkdude signing off.

[yue-muffin]

Time Raiders (2016)

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3

This hellsite turns the images into POTATO quality but ah well, here we go. Into the tomb!

P A R T T W O

He’s a puppy!! Everyone in the family wants to protect him from this business, but here Uncle Three goes ‘eh, might as well’. This boy has no idea what he’s doing. At least Zhang Qiling is here to protect him, because in what world does he not?

Lovely scenery!

Wu Xie…he’s such a nerd. But I relate, I would also use random facts I know from school to start a conversation, my mom probably hates me for it haha. It’s sort of obnoxious coming from some people (me…especially in undergrad). I love it when Wu Xie goes on a ramble tangent though.

We’re really going straight for the throat with the “lookin the mirror because you don’t know who you are” thing, aren’t we. Aw, then he gives a little pout.

These subs are really decent grammar-wise, but LOL at them just giving up on translating Zhang Qiling’s nickname: 闷油瓶 (sullen oil bottle), apparently referring to the way he doesn’t like to talk. It’s a cute nickname but it’s so hard to translate. Some have gone with Poker-face, which I think is the best one you can get in English.

HAHA WU XIE. This kid. I looked up 安静 and the dictionary gives me “quiet, calm, peaceful”. He’s not really quiet, he is rather calm in that he doesn’t flip out easily, but he has such puppy energy that it’s hard to use that descriptor for him. But confirmation that he thinks Zhang Qiling is a handsome man.

Aw, there’s our Wu Xie. It’s funny because he’s so annoyed with Zhang Qiling in the first volume of the novel when he doesn’t respond to Wu Xie’s attempts to be friendly, he always refers to him with a bit of scorn. But, well, it’s a super slow burn relationship (I’m talking platonic, since that’s fully canon and I can turn my shipping goggles off lol) and we don’t have that kind of time in live action adaptations. I do have to say, I like the drama and movie for changing that dynamic a little - if not, it detracts from Wu Xie’s image as an innocent, naive young man, probably.

Oh my fucking god his finger is on the trigger THIRD UNCLE WHY DID YOU BRING THIS KID WITH YOU. Well, that marks the first Zhang Qiling rescuing Wu Xie (from himself…this dumbass) of the movie haha.

Oh he took the bullet out ok that’s better. Ha! Wu Xie is a little imp still.

You just gave Zhang Qiling an heart attack, Wu Xie, hope you’re happy.  

This kid. If he wasn’t so stoic, he’d have rolled his eyes. You can just see it in his soul.

Oh ok, we’re getting a flashback to Third Uncle scolding Wu Xie that’s better. I thought he really was that irresponsible to just go “ok sure!”

He looks so sad. It’s the puppy eyes, I’m telling you. That’s how he always gets his way lol.

So he has a dream that weighs heavily on him, but is it worth risking your life in an actual tomb for?

Smooth, he redirects Zhang Qiling’s question right back at him - why do you want to go to the tomb? I love it, he’s still got that mouth on him.

Ooh so they did end up using the periodic amnesia part of his character. And his insecurities about whether he truly exists in the world.

These looks they give each other. They’re so soft. Aahh (shipper me is back). Aww. “Don’t worry, I’ll record them with my camera. You won’t be lost.” So there is a purpose for making photography part of his character. I like using the camera and mirrors as motifs.

“If I come or go, who cares.” I GUARANTEE YOU SOMEONE WILL.

More scenery for the record!

These shots really drive home what he just said: the world is so big, what’s one person in light of it all?

…Never change Wu Xie, never change. This is why everyone wants to protect him, because he says things like this. You’ll protect him?? Haha I remember when he said something like this in TLT2. It was so endearing. But also you just want to die laughing. But that is what makes Wu Xie, Wu Xie. Even in the first book, he cared and worried about Xiaoge’s whereabouts whereas everyone else was like “nah, he’s probably fine”.

HAHA WAIT. Third Uncle you are responsible.

Is this a prison transport truck why can it lock someone inside so easily.

This is so funny.

Oh no it’s the foreigners!! “You’ll be safer in the truck” they said.

It’s Pangzi and Ah Ning!

I still really miss TLT2 Ah Ning, I can only imagine that one in my head now haha.

I don’t understand why she had to climb on the side of the truck just to sit on the hood. Also, wear something a little more protective in the chest area if you’re gonna go tomb raiding it drives me absolutely crazy that women must always be so underdressed just for that male gaze.

You’ve got some good reception considering where you are. Her accent doesn’t make my ears bleed which is a good thing.

Oh-hoho he’s catching onto your little spy cam! IMPOSSIBLE haha that’s everyone’s reaction upon seeing Zhang Qiling after xx years looking the exact same.

And we’re in! Cue the greedy tomb robbers who touch things and get into trouble the second they enter the place. No deaths yet though…still too early.

-DO YOU SPEAK ZHONGWEN (Chinese)?

-*whisper* Chinese.

-CHINESE.

?? I’M DYING. This part is such comedy gold.

Yup that’s Pangzi, I think I’ve heard this one in other DMBJ adaptations but I don’t remember which one.

I’m pretty sure the tomb needs a key…which you have, Third Uncle…

Don’t worry, Zhang Qiling is here to help! As always, he tends to trounce everyone with the most mundane items even though the enemy is carrying heavy duty weapons.

Is something to happen to the beams? First a bracket fell off, now the camera focused on it briefly.

This Zhang Qiling is so low-key funny even though he doesn’t intend to be. They really said “how can we show Zhang Qiling being even more badass” by having him use the cloth as a distraction, then have it fall over his shoulders when it lands.

I also like how he never has any stupid qualms about fighting a woman. Oh he spoke English! Haha. “Not bad.” “I know.”

This Zhang Qiling.

Ah Ning pulling that gun out of her sleeve was real badass. I love how she’s the only one who actually gets hand-to-hand fighting and everyone else in her team just shoots from afar. She’s the team leader and boy does she deserve it. You go, Ah Ning!

Haha they are pretty good! Even set a trap.

Oh, Wu Xie got out of the truck.

Again, kudos to this Wu Xie for actually recording the stuff he sees in tombs.

Why am I laughing so hard right now haha. Look at his hands patting Zhang Qiling’s. His hands are a lot thinner now that they’re right up next to each other.

So high tech what is this haha.

What is my name? Wu Xie did you think he was an imposter or-

Aw, helping him check for his amnesia acting up haha. This kid.

Look at this smile. How can you hate him, it’d be like kicking a puppy. But also, he says the darnedest things. And Zhang Qiling gives a little laugh and a smile! See?

Gotta snap a picture of the bf.

Aww, nice music to go with the “hey you’re alright, proper introduction time” part. And they share a laugh, too.

GUYS YOU HAVE A KEY FOR A REASON?? If the darn thing isn’t turning, maybe you shouldn’t force it and try another method??

Wow they really went for the gore on this movie. Even got some nice blood splats when the thing clamps close. That’s not horrifying at all, nope.

Haha first trap you, the cut off the arm with a guillotine!

As always, Zhang Qiling to the rescue! But yikes is that one heavy duty sword.

Was it smart to light the ball on fire. I see statues holding crossbows that is not a good sign. This is a pretty imaginative way to light up a room though!

I love this Zhang Qiling.

The female statue is rather good looking?? It’s a statue?? And it looks downright creepy, not beautiful or sexy.

Oh no. They touched stuff in the tomb.

It’s a guy who has been dead for hundreds of years. What did you expect it to look and sound like.

Oh fuck no the eyes moved I hate it when this happens!!

Do you also see all the wires rigged to it or is that just me. And they’re holding CROSSBOWS. Now the HEADS MOVED I CAN’T.

There’s no corpse in the coffin great. And now the puppets are playing instruments. This is not disturbing.

COVER YOUR EARS. It’s too late!! Now everyone’s hallucinating, great.

Oh, she’s pretty! But don’t trust her!!

But why did Wu Xie get trapped in that dream of his, while everyone else is hallucinating that they’re still in the tomb.

A decent CGI lion for once? As long as it just stands there it looks fine.

And there goes Zhang Qiling’s magic blood!

It’s super effective! Oh, so he has to spill some blood for each person who is effected by the illusion? Yeah, no one say Zhang Qiling doesn’t care. He’s willing to spill enough blood to pass out (Book 1/TLT1), for all these dumbasses who probably had no business being in a tomb anyways with how they go about it and get themselves into mortal danger.

Yes, Wu Xie, be the voice of reason and protect him from your uncle and his friends. He could’ve left you guys to go crazy if he really did have malicious intentions. But he cut himself to save you, geez. Show some appreciation.

This is a pretty fun trap, gotta say. Wu Xie figured out the rhythm.

Don’t lie, he was definitely worried about Wu Xie, but haha turns out he’s not completely helpless. Just compare picture 1 to picture 2 lol.

HA KNEW IT. THE CROSSBOWS ARE NEXT.

Haha I love it how Zhang Qiling always preferentially helps Wu Xie up or worries about him, to the point Pangzi in Reboot/Chongqi doesn’t even really comment on it anymore.

Someone’s gonna end up dead at some point I’m just waiting for that ball to drop.

HAHAHA I’m howling.

Everyone falls on their asses and crashes into stuff. Zhang Qiling falls into a crouch A+ landing. Wu Xie?

Of course Zhang Qiling catches him. There always has to be a scene where Zhang Qiling holds Wu Xie in his arms, no matter the adaptation, haha. Is this the one for this version?

Of course it’s insects.

I QUIT? Everyone is looking for a way out, ok, you literally cannot quit until you get out of here.

Oh ew the bugs are here of course.

Aww that’s the Wu Xie we know. He wants to save people, always.

THE BUGS CAN EAT METAL. That surpasses “flesh-eating” ok.

Aw, look at his face. Poor boy. I didn’t think I’d grow this fond of Lu Han!Wu Xie.

This is why one person from your family died a month when you were a kid. Welp, that’s one person down.

Zhang Qiling hurting himself again to save their butts. In this adaptation it doesn’t seem that his blood repels so much as hurts creatures outright though, which is far less useful than his evil creature repellant in the dramas.

Lol, dude he even had to help you get your feet up on that metal thing.

WU XIE TRIES OK. He tries really hard. But it’s his first time in a tomb and he’s got more guts than half the people here ok.

SO YOU DECIDE TO PLAY THE FLUTE??

Always record Zhang Qiling’s smiles ok. He was so worried Wu Xie was going to be mooched alive by the bugs. I guess that’s why he can’t have the bug repellant blood in this adaptation lol. If he did, it would’ve helped a lot.

Oh, sure, now the foreigners come in.

You. You might have blown up the only exit??

Good thing your brains, Wu Xie, showed up after all, huh.

Option 1: Dig a hole!!

Option 2: Smash your way through!

How is he doing this haha. Zhang Qiling is too OP.

Aww, see, this is why their relationship across the franchise is so good?? Zhang Qiling in the books especially is so much of a badass, he always is ok and always wins, but it doesn’t matter how many times he escapes death. Wu Xie always cares and worries about leaving without him.

What’s with the awful weather outside lol.

Next Up: more tomb shenanigans!

[megareviews]

Spring 2019 First Impressions

The Spring list is late as usual (is it usual if it’s only the second instance?), but at least I’m closer to the beginning than last year. I’ve reached 50% completion on the doing this for an entire year consistently, so nice.

Aikatsu Friends!: Kagayaki no Jewel (Aikatsu Friends!: Jewel of Radiance): Aikatsu is relatively low on my priority list of magical girl megaseries.

Bakugan Battle Planet: This show actually premiered last semester, but in English, and this season is when the Japanese dub started. Either way it’s somewhere deep in the Bakugan series, which is based off of what are probably my least played children’s toys.

BAKUMATSU Crisis: Second season of an otome game adaption that looked okay when I started it, but I still haven’t watched past the first episode.

Bokutachi wa Benkyou ga Dekinai (Bokuben / We Never Learn): The main show that I know the source material of, and it is just about meeting my expectations. An average guy who has to study rigorously to maintain his average grades is put in charge of tutoring the two smartest people in his school. This might not make sense until it’s explained that he has to tutor them in their worst subjects, because those subjects are the ones they want to major in for college. It’s a nice theme of working hard for what you enjoy situated in a rom-com with some haremy aspects and an unusually high density of goofy faces, so watch it if you like those aspects.

Bungou Stray Dogs 3: I still need to see what they did with HP Lovecraft in season 2

Carole & Tuesday: What happens when a runaway rich girl and a poor orphan girl meet up on Mars? They form a band of course. A tale of two lonely souls finding each other and become a little less lonely in a big world, making music together. It looks great and it sounds amazing, so this is definitely a priority watch.

Chou Kadou Girl 1/6 (Amazing Stranger): Imagine Buzz Lightyear from the original Toy Story except in a 20 -something guy’s house and then failing the don’t move when humans are around rule almost immediately. That’s what this show is.

Cinderella Girls Gekijou CLIMAX SEASON (Cinderella Girls Theater CLIMAX SEASON): For somebody who doesn’t watch idol shows, the theater shorts are pretty fun, though I’m not nearly caught up in this one to say how this season is going.

Diamond no Ace Act II: Oh boy there’s so much baseball this season and a lot of it is sequels.

Fairy Gone: There’s a lot of things going on in this show but I think I can simplify it to military use of fairies to give soldiers super powers. The protagonist has been taking jobs as a mercenary to find her sister who was split from her after their village was burnt down. Then at an auction that she works as a guard, things start going wrong and the thief who appears is none other than that sister. The first episode ends with the end of a three way fight between security and the girls, so I’m not sure where the show’s going at all. Maybe if the show didn’t flash back to the protagonist’s village burning down three times, there would be a little more time to give direction.

Fruits Basket (2019): I never know how to deal with reboots for shows that I can remember, but haven’t seen the original. I know there’s people who turn into animals and a “do the carpets match the drapes” joke, and that’s about it from the 2001 anime.

Gunjou no Magmel (Magmel of the Blue Sea): After a new continent appears in the world, explorers flock to it, not always as prepared as they should be for venturing into the unknown. The main character works at a company to rescue explorers from mishaps along with a few others. The worldbuilding is interesting and the main character’s black lightning is pretty cool looking, but his attitude and decision making abilities kinda put me off for now. That and the comprehensibility of the subtitles I was watching fell off a cliff halfway through the episode.

Hachigatsu no Cinderella Nine (Cinderella Nine in August): So far it looks like a pretty standard club building show based around women’s baseball. It looks nice and we have 4 club members as of the first episode, so they should make it to at least full team of nine pretty quickly. It looks nice outside of an odd montage near the end of the episode when the club plays a game with some local kids, and the character designs are a bit more memorable than the usual baseball cast. I appreciate the fact that they’re playing hardball, but I’m not the type of person to watch anything sports ever.

Hangyaku-sei Million Arthur 2 (Operation Han-Gyaku-Sei Million Arthur): All I know about this show is that there’s a bunch of characters named Arthur and that it’s a sequel.

Hitoribocchi no Marumaru Seikatsu (Hitori Bocchi's ○○ Lifestyle): When one of the most socially anxious kids in elementary school gets separated by her only friend when they go to different middle schools, her friend gives her a quest: to become friends with everybody in her new class. She’s got a real go-getter attitude, but from feeling physical pain from trying to talk to a stranger to fainting when somebody actually responds to her, she’s got a rough path ahead of her. It’s a really fun show that gets you rooting for the main character in her attempts of communicating with others in a normal manner.

Isekai Quartet: Four of the biggest isekai series in one short mash-up is a recipe for confusion. Especially since they’re all put together in a school setting where no fighting is allowed, even if there are holy gods and undead abominations in the same class. Anything can happen with all these people taken from their original normal lives, tossed into various fantasy worlds, and then slam dunked back into a relatively normal setting.

Jimoto ga Japan (I’m From Japan): I cannot find a trace of the anime anywhere online and I am glad of this having read the manga. It is just a really dumb comedy about Japanese prefectures that I struggled to read a few chapters of before giving up.

Joushikausei: A silent anime, as in there’s no spoken words, about a few high school girls. It’s an interesting concept, but I found it a bit uncomfortable to watch, mostly due to the whimpering and other nonverbal noises the girls were making.

Kedama no Gonjirou (Gonjiro the Yarn Ball): A children’s show that hasn’t been licensed and no group is fansubbing it, how unusual… It actually looks interesting though so I might search for the raws to check it out.

Kenja no Mago (The Magi’s Grandson): A child raised by a powerful wizard in the country reaches an age where he can move out to the city and attend a magical high school. Unfortunately for him, his parental figures only taught him combat and magic, so he doesn’t really know how to sustain himself in the reals world. It is a decent concept but there’s a 50/50 chance of any scene looking nice or looking awful, and the scene transitions all look like they were made in Powerpoint.

Kimetsu no Yaiba (Demon Slaying Blade): A happy family of coal sellers is destroyed in a night when a demon strikes. The eldest son was out due to a combination of work and a blizzard, and when he returns he finds all but one of his family members completely cold and covered in blood. This last member is rushed down the mountainside for medical aid, only to turn into a demon on the way down. A meeting with a demon slayer turns tricky as he tries to protect his demonized sister who’s fighting between killing instincts and her love of her brother. The opening promises some beautiful animations and the overall show isn’t slacking either, so overall it’s a very promising show.

KING OF PRISM -Shiny Seven Stars-: It’s the TV version of a boy band movie tetralogy which is also a sequel I think?

Kiratto Pri☆chan Season 2: A sequel to a idol anime that I reviewed last year. I think this is one of the first times a sequel has shown up that I also reviewed the first season of, though unfortunately it was for  a show that I didn’t watch fully.

Kono Oto Tomare! (Stop this Sound!): One more club building show for this season, this one about a Japanese instrument called a koto. After all the upperclassmen of the club graduated in the previous year, only the main character is left in the club, and needs more members before the club gets closed, the usual. The first new member is a seemingly delinquent 1st year who is surprisingly diligent. There wasn’t too much interesting or unique other than the topic of the club, so music fans might find this more watchable than I.

Kono Yo no Hate de Koi wo Utau Shoujo YU-NO (YU-NO: A Girl Who Chants Love at the Bound of this World): The first episode for this kind of front-loaded introducing characters and pulled out its premise of parallel dimensions and a device to navigate them towards the end, which means I’d probably have to watch another episode to figure out how I feel about it. It’s nice to not have a giant exposition dump take up the first episode of a show, especially since it will have two cours to tell a story, but I didn’t feel any particular gravitation towards the characters by this point, so I won’t be prioritizing any follow-up on it.

Mayonaka no Occult Koumuin (Midnight Occult Civil Servants): With a job at a place called the Nocturnal Community Relations Division, the first thought of the type of people dealt with is most likely not going to be fairies. Our main character is taken from a world of the ordinary to being able to see and talk to the supernatural creatures that live locally, called Anothers. His co-workers are equipped with magically enchanted police tape and other trinkets to help solve issues that occasionally arise between Anothers. I like the modern fantasy setting, and the fairly low level fights with the supernatural so far, so there’s promise in where the show goes.

Midara na Ao-chan wa Benkyou ga Dekinai (Ao Can’t Study): While the name Ao is usually blue, or sometimes even moth, in this case, it stands for Adult Only, the 18+ rating in Japan. This is due to her father’s profession, an erotic writer, and surprisingly, the main character hates her father for naming her that and spends her entire life studying to get into a college far enough away from him. This is thwarted by a guy confessing to her and filling her mind with romance and lewder thoughts, with the help of her father. I hate this as a concept and don’t watch this.

Mix: A semi-sequel baseball anime. I say semi, because from what I’ve gathered it is recommended but not necessary to watch the original first.

Nande Koko ni Sensei ga!? (Why is my Teacher Here!?): It’s about a male student and his teacher, ending up in awkward situations together, like being trapped together in a men’s bathroom stall. A show of pure fanservice through and through, so there’s not much else to say.

Namu Amida Butsu!: Rendai Utena: What started out as an action about cleansing impurities from the world gives us a quick bait ‘n switch to a slice of life about gods bumbling about in the human world attempting to be competent humans. I found it irritating to watch, and it was very clearly based off of a gacha game, which do not have a good track record of making good shows.

Nobunaga-sensei no Osanazuma (Nobunaga’s Young Bride): A modern age middle school teacher way down the ancestral tree of Oda Nobunaga meets the bride of the man himself, who traveled to the present from the day of the original Nobunaga’s death. She’s no older than when she left her original time, which leaves her at 14 years old, with no knowledge of modern day Japan so she’s stuck with the main character’s family and decides to be the new Nobunaga’s bride anyways, which… is weird.

One Punch Man 2: A big sequel of the season, and one where people have been waiting with wary anticipation due to the change in animation studio and director. It definitely looks a lot stiffer than the first season, for action and non-fight scenes, but the story is a bit more interesting in my opinion, as the show starts working on fleshing out other heroes and why they fight.

RobiHachi: the first episode of this really is a springboard for setting up what the plot and cast will be, just about starting right at the very end.  We’ve got an ultra gullible man in debt, a genius teen with no sense of purpose, a robot rabbit helper, and their spaceship that blares its own theme song when it transforms into a mech. They set off to find a legendary planet that grants happiness after a couple of hijinks on their starting planet. It’s a very busy show, both visually and plot wise, but still an enjoyable experience if you can keep up.

Sarazanmai: 50% connecting with other people through oversharing with them, 50% kappas stealing souls from other people’s butts. It’s hard to describe the show but I’m having a good time, and the art is gorgeous, and special care is taken with little details in the show. I’d say watch the first episode definitely, and then decide whether or not to follow up on the rest of the show.

Senryuu Shoujo (Senryuu Girl): The focus of the show is on the Japanese poetry type of Senryuu, mostly because the main character can only communicate with others through writing these poems. Thankfully, she’s got some good friends and is in her school’s Literature Club, so she has plenty of practice and is around people who appreciate her work.

Sewayaki Kitsune no Senko-san (Meddlesome Fox Senko): The fox gods of the world have a duty to protect humans, and are becoming more proactive in seeking out humans with negative emotions before those emotions go out of control. In comes the male lead of the show, an overworked businessman who has basically just been going through the motions of life by this point. One of the fox gods appears in his house, doing the cooking, cleaning, and other tasks to help relieve the main guy’s stress. It’s comfy and there’s some funny moments, but I feel like the show would be better off as a more episodic show featuring various humans rather than just the one that it looks like the show will focus on. I’m also worried about the romance genre tag that the show has.

Shingeki no Kyojin 3 Part 2 (Attack on Titan 3 Part 2): I’m still on episode 5 of the original series, with no particular motivation to make it any further. More people die in bloody explosions probably.

Shoumetsu Toshi (Lost City): As the title of the show would imply there is a city that has been lost to humanity, as in, it just disappeared one day. The main female character is the only one who survived the city disappearing, and is targeted by a mysterious group due to that, and she tries to return to where the lost city used to be due to a message by her father who went missing with the city. In addition there was a monk with super powers who was standing on a motorcycle’s handlebars facing off against the main girl who could summon her Lost bodyguard with a bunch of guns but that was kinda just thrown in at the end.

Strike Witches 501 Butai Hasshin Shimasu! (Strike Witches 501st Join Fighter Wing Takes Off!): Oh god it’s been so long since I’ve consumed Strike Witches content. This is a slice of life spin off of the original series, so the context is recommended, but not necessary. The animation is also very much on the rough side for a ten minute long short. 

Yatogame-chan Kansatsu Nikki (Yatogame’s Observation Diary): After briefly being disappointed in the lack of heavy Nagoya dialects encountered in Nagoya, the main character runs into a classmate who happens to have one. In addition, all of her favorite foods and animals are popular or famous in Nagoya, so he sticks around with her for meeting his ideals of what a Nagoyan should be. They then travel the city as part of the photography club to see all the sights of the city.

Youkai Watch!: Despite what it looks like from the title, this is pretty deep in a line of sequels of Youkai Watch.

[thegoldenyears-memories]

I HAVE DIED EVERYDAY WAITING FOR YOU, a bertram (ft. rosalind) mix

𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒅𝒊𝒅 𝒊 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒊𝒏 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒉𝒆𝒓? 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒖𝒎𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒔𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒊𝒅

                                                            ( listen / download )

01. CREEP de radiohead ( when you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye. you're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry. you float like a feather in a beautiful world. i wish i was special, you're so fucking special. but i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo. what the hell am i doing here? i don't belong here. i don't care if it hurts, i want to have control. i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul. i want you to notice when i'm not around. you're so fucking special, i wish i was special. )

02. I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND (THE BEATLES COVER) de t.v. carpio ( oh please, say to me you'll let me be your man. and please, say to me you'll let me hold your hand. and when i touch you i feel happy inside, it's such a feeling that my love i can't hide. )

03. BAD IDEAS de tessa violet ( i hope you don't think i'm rude but i wanna make out with you. and i'm a little awkward, sure, but i could touch my face to yours, oh. and no one ever called me smooth but i just wanna see the grooves between your hands, your teeth, oh, tell me, do you think about me? i just wanna kiss you, and even if i miss you at least i'll know what it's like to have held your hand, oh! no-o, hey! bad ideas, ay (oh!) i know where they lead (hey, oh!) but i have too many to sleep and i can't get enough, no. i wanna kiss you standing up, oh, no! and if tomorrow makes me low (oh!) well it'd be worth it just to know, 'cause i can't get enough, no, i wanna kiss you standing up. i don't know what compels me to do the very thing that fells me, i wake up, still high on you but by the night i'm crashing through. so why'd i wanna kiss you even though i miss you, guess i just wanted to know what it would feel like, oh! )

04. I WANNA BE YOURS de arctic monkeys ( you call the shots, babe, i just wanna be yours. secrets i have held in my heart are harder to hide than i thought. maybe i just wanna be yours. )

05. ALL THOSE PRETTY LIGHTS de andrew belle ( the wind blows through your hair, as you're walking people stare up the block and down the street to north king's highway. and there's a beating in my chest and it's seeming to suggest that before this day is through it might go my way. and so i sit back in my seat, i scribble down something that's sweet about a boy, a girl, an endless stretch of scenery. 'cause it's like falling to your knees before a stranger on the street, i did it just the other day, you should have seen me. oh and i wanna remember this night, and how my words never came out right, it's just my patience that keeps me alive, just like all the pretty lights in the sky. there's something to be said about the colors in your head and how they mix to form the perfect shade of sadness, not because of things i've done or any of the songs i've sung, it's just the story of our lives. and i remember we stayed up way past your bedtime, up on the second floor, down by my sliding door. just innocent kids in a victimless crime, trapped in a metaphor, hoping for something more. )

06. CAN I BE HIM de james arthur ( you walked into the room and now my heart's been stolen. you took me back in time to when i was unbroken. now you're all i want and i knew it from the very first moment. 'cause a light came on when i heard that song and i want you to sing it again i swear that every word you sing, you wrote them for me like it was a private show. but i know you never saw me. when the lights come on and i'm on my own, will you be there to sing it again? could i be the one you talk about in all your stories? can i be him? i heard there was someone but i know he don't deserve you. if you were mine i'd never let anyone hurt you. i wanna dry those tears, kiss those lips, it's all that i've been thinking about. )

07. DON’T GET ME WRONG (THE PRETENDERS COVER) de lily allen ( don't get me wrong if i'm looking kind of dazzled, i see neon lights whenever you walk by. don't get me wrong if you say hello and i take a ride upon a sea where the mystic moon is playing havoc with the tide, don't get me wrong. don't get me wrong if i'm acting so distracted, i'm thinking about the fireworks that go off when you smile. don't get me wrong if i come and go like fashion, i might be great tomorrow but hopeless yesterday. )

08. BRUISES de chairlift ( i tried to do handstands for you, but every time i fell for you i'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you. i got bruises on my knees for you, and grass stains on my knees for you, got holes in my new jeans for you, got pink and black and blue for you. )

09. WHAT I WOULDN’T DO de a fine frenzy ( if we were children i would bake you a mud pie, warm and brown beneath the sun. never learned to climb a tree but i would try just to show you what i'd done. oh what i wouldn't do if i had you, babe. if i were old, my dearest, you would be older, but i would crawl upon your lap. wrap a blanket round our frail little shoulders and i'd die happily like that. it was now and we were both in the same place, didn't know how to say the words with my heart ticking like a bomb in a birdcage, i left before someone got hurt. )

10. ERES (CAFÉ TACVBA COVER) de kas sand ( eres lo que más quiero en este mundo, eso eres. mi pensamiento más profundo también eres. tan sólo dime lo que hago, aquí me tienes. eres, cuando despierto, lo primero, eso eres, lo que a mi vida le hace falta si no vienes, lo único precioso que en mi mente habita hoy. ¿qué más puedo decirte? tal vez puedo mentirte sin razón. pero lo que hoy siento es que sin ti estoy muerto, pues eres lo que más quiero en este mundo, eso eres. eres el tiempo que comparto, eso eres. lo que la gente promete cuando se quiere. mi salvación, mi esperanza y mi fe. soy el que quererte quiere como nadie, soy el que te llevaría el sustento día a día, día a día. el que por ti daría la vida, ese soy. aquí estoy a tu lado y espero aquí sentado hasta el final. no te has imaginado lo que por ti he esperado, pues eres lo que yo amo en este mundo, eso eres. cada minuto en lo que pienso, eso eres. )

11. A SKY FULL OF STARS (COLDPLAY COVER) de twinkle twinkle little rock star ( instrumental )

12. JUST ANOTHER GIRL de the killers ( all of my friends say i should move on, she's just another girl, don't let her stick it to your heart so hard. and all of my friends say it wasn't meant to be, and it's a great big world, she's just another girl. i could be reeling them in left and right, something's got a hold on me, tonight. well, maybe all of my friends should confront the fact that i don't want another girl. she's just another girl, don't let her stick it to your heart, boy. )

13. SWEET DREAM de greg laswell ( if i could write out my own dream for the next time that i sleep, you'd be the first one that i see and i the last one that you keep. the dream would go on and on while we sway against all things thrown our way. and the morning would be so cruel when it came with sunshine and warmth to blame for announcing the end of my sweet dream. )

14. MELTING de kali uchis ( you are my church, you are my place of worship. when you're around, my insides turn inverted. my blood start to rush when i see you, darling. i know you're nearby and i know your purpose, take one look at you, you're heavens incarnate. what is this spell baby, please show some mercy. melting like an ice cream when you smile. melting, you're a daydream, stay a while. i pray that i can learn to be funny, i am watching every stand-up comedy just hoping that it will rub off on me, so you will smile at everything i say. you got some soft lips and some pearly whites, i wanna touch them with the dead of night. your smile ignites just like a candlelight, then somehow i know everything's alright. )

15. NIÑA ROJA de adanowsky ( niña roja, mírame, dame besos y quédate, en mis brazos piérdete, niña roja, sígueme. niña, sólo por ti lloro, tengo lágrimas de oro, quiero que te lleves todo, róbame, soy tu tesoro. en mi corazón tatuada te llevaré hasta mi muerte. cuando mi cuerpo se disperse serás el viento en mi espalda. )

16. MAPS de yeah yeah yeahs ( wait, they don't love you like i love you. )

17. A THOUSAND YEARS (LULLABY) de christina perri ( heart beats fast, colors and promises, how to be brave? how can i love when i'm afraid to fall? but watching you stand alone all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow. one step closer. i have died everyday waiting for you, darling don't be afraid i have loved you for a thousand years, i'll love you for a thousand more. time stands still, beauty in all she is. i will be brave, i will not let anything take away what's standing in front of me. every breath, every hour has come to this. one step closer. )

╰  ❄  feliz navidad y año nuevo, emma.

—; de: golden ( @thegoldenyearsrp )

—; para: emma ( @bcrtramaubrey )

Que tal, Emma 8D. Soy yo, el Main. Así es, quizá sólo me vea como otra página en internet, pero soy mucho más que eso. Te he hecho este mix de Bertram sufriendo por Rosalind, pobre amigo. Me dio risa y pena, ya que deje de ser emo. Disfruta de esta colección darks de canciones, y recuerda, el Main te quiere mucho, al igual que todos aquí 8D.

P.D.: *El Main golpea a Bertram*

                                                  — golden. 🎅

[freedomtotalk]

Christopher Hitchens had a grudge against religion because his mother killed herself in a suicide pact with a defrocked member of the clergy and that radicalized him, if you will. Furthermore he delighted in being as much as possible the exact opposite of his rather stupid brother Peter Hitchens (a far-right fascist and religious bigot)... because his brother was always the hated rival to their mother’s affections. What I’m saying is not an over-simplification of this rather complex man’s character, it is an accurate explanation of his actions.

Christopher Hitchens only defended feminism when this was instrumental in having yet another go at religion. That’s all. The rest of the time he was far more inclined to see women as his natural inferiors for reasons of genetics, not even for cultural reasons.

You don’t need to take my word for it, just watch the video above where he explains his firm belief that women are less intelligent and less funny than men because men have to be intelligent and amusing to woo women, whereas women just have to be physically attractive to get men, so that’s all they ever are. 

This man had a daughter, I want you to understand that. She grew up knowing her own father thought less of her than he did of her brothers. 

It really is too bad that Mother Nature has forgotten to make most women beautiful and has instead made so many (too many) of them bright, capable and even funny - you know, just like men. Maybe most women are actually trans and that explains why they are capable of humor and rational though, while being indifferent-looking? IDK. I’m only trying to make Hitchen’s theory fit the world that we actually live in.

Meanwhile, in his fantasy world where the male of the species looks like him, tells a joke and ends up smothered in kisses by a stupid but beautiful top model (which is what most women look like because that’s all we have to be, remember)... there appears to not exist a single teenage girl’s bedroom papered from wall to wall with posters of Christopher Hitchens-looking comedians. Instead, for some strange reason, all women desire handsome-looking men like Chris Evans or Chris Hemsworth, who do not make a living from doing stand-up comedy. Or, to give him credit, from being great intellectuals with published body of work. Correct me if I’m wrong but... is it not true that women want them just because they’re hot? That women would want them just as bad if they were dumb and humorless? Regardless, show me the girl’s bedroom covered in posters of fat, ugly comedians and I’ll offer a retraction.

One last thing: nobody gives a shit about women which is why feminists often hide behind other, sexier causes such as the fight against racism (because black lives matter) or the fight against homophobia (because gay MEN matter, not lesbians).

Understand that it’s because I know this so well that I draw your attention to the fact that just like Hitchens pretended to be a feminist when it suited his anti- Church agenda, he also pretended to despise the homophobia inherent to all religions... even though he was a homophobe himself.

There are several videos of him and Stephen Fry on Youtube, where they join forces against the homophobia inherent in religion. With disgusting condescension, Hitchens brags about how he wouldn’t have a problem allowing Stephen Fry to baby sit for his children. Kids, saying that you trust your token gay friend to not sexually molest your kids if you leave them alone for a second is an insult. Just saying.

Regardless near the end Hitchens admits with a chuckle that he can’t even understand why the LGBT community wants gay marriage - I mean, doesn’t that rather go against the whole point of being gay?, he asks his good friend Stephen Fry. I bet you didn’t know there was “a point” to being gay that somehow excludes companionship and commitment.

Years later, famously, the same Stephen Fry who chuckled along to this married a man; just not thanks to bigots like Christopher Hitchens who opposed gay marriage and never could understand it, but greatly thanks to many feminists who always campaigned for equality between different genders and sexual orientations.

Christopher Hitchens on How to Combat World Poverty.

[crackspinewornpages]

Macbeth -William Shakespeare

A1S1

On a heath there’s a storm and three witches plan to meet Macbeth.

A1S2

In a camp near Forres, King Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain and Lennox meet a dying captain who was killed by the rebel, Macdonwald who was then killed by Macbeth. After his report Duncan has him carried off as Ross enters with the news the traitor Cawdor has been defeated and repelled and after celebrating Duncan orders Cawdor to be executed and to give is title to Macbeth. “What he hath lost noble Macbeth hath won.”p.979

A1S3

Back on the heath the witches meet and talk about their day and prepare for Macbeth’s arrival. Macbeth and Banquo arrive and see the witches, Banquo wonders if they’re even human as they are on earth but don’t look like they belong on it. The witches hail Macbeth, “All hail, Macbeth! Hail to thee, Thane of Cawdor!” “All hail, Macbeth! That shalt be king hereafter.”p.980 Macbeth is confused and intrigued but they turn their attention to Banquo, “Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none!”p.980 (wonder what they could mean by that) Then they disappear and Macbeth and Banquo discuss the strange encounter when Ross and Angus enter to tell Macbeth he was just named Thane of Cawdor. Macbeth is focused on the prophecy coming true but Banquo is concerned, “and often times, to win us to our harm, the instruments of darkness tell us truths,”p.980 Macbeth ignores him thinking of how he will one day be king if he will have to commit ill acts (gets power and is immediately corrupted) and tells Banquo they’ll talk later.

A1S4

In the palace Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain and Lennox talk of Cawdor’s execution and Malcolm says he died nobly and Duncan thinks of how he trusted him. (certainly history won’t repeat itself) Macbeth, Banquo, Ross and Angus enter and Duncan thanks them for their heroism, how can he repay them. “The service and the loyalty I owe in doing it, pays itself.”p.981 Macbeth says his duties are to him and his children. Duncan announces he plans to make Malcolm his heir and Macbeth say he must inform his wife and to himself says thinks of how to make himself king. (can there by a comedy skit where A says this and character B: ‘what was that?’ A: ‘nothing’ C: ‘you just said you were planning to kill me’ A: ‘no no I didn’t’ B: ‘dude we are standing three feet from you’) “Stars, hide your fires! Let not light see my black and deep desires;”p.982 Duncan then plans to visit Macbeth.

A1S5

In Macbeth’s castle Lady Macbeth reads a letter that proclaims Macbeth as the new Thane of Cawdor and his meeting with the witches. She wants her husband to fulfill it but believes he’s too soft to be ambitious. “Hie thee hither, that I may pour my spirits in thine ear, “p.982 A messenger enters to tell her her husband and the king are coming and she proclaims, “Unsex me here, and fill me from crown to the toe top full of direst cruelty;”p.982 (I won’t have my vagina stop me) So she can do what needs to be done. Macbeth arrives and informs her Duncan plans to leave tomorrow she tells him to beguile Duncan as he won’t see tomorrow and leave it all to her.

A1S6

Before the castle Duncan arrives and Lady Macbeth welcomes him saying it is a duty to the king. (which king Duncan or Macbeth discuss it in your English class)

A1S7

Servants prepare as Macbeth worries about what is to be done, “if the assassination could trommel up the consequence and catch with his surcease secure; that but this blow might be the by-all and the end-all here, “p.983 Duncan trusts him and is virtuous he is his kinsmen, “I have no spur to pick the sides of my intent, but only vaulting ambition,”p.983 Lady Macbeth enters telling him Duncan is asking for him and says he looks horrible, is he afraid, he would do it if he were a man, she’d kill a baby if she had to. (woah lady) “But screw your courage to the sticking-place, and we’ll not fail.”p.984 Do it while he is sleeping and Macbeth hopes she wont ever have girls (yeah if they’re going to be like her) but he agrees to the plan to frame the chamberlains.

A2S1

Banquo and his son Fleance are in the castle’s court, Fleance says it’s midnight but Banquo wants to stay up. Macbeth surprise them, Banquo tells him the king is sleeping and he just had a dream of the witches, Macbeth lies that he doesn’t think of them and they’ll talk later. Alone Macbeth has a vision of a dagger and wonders if it’s real, “Or art thou but a dagger of the mind,”p.985 (that Star Trek episode where a doctor is brainwashing mental patients into placid zombies) He sees blood on it then decides it’s just nerves, he hears a bell and says he’ll go through with it. “I go, and it is done; the bell invites me. Hear it not, Duncan; for it is a knoll that summons thee to heaven or to hell.”p.985

A2S2

Lady Macbeth claims the alcohol made her bold when she hears Macbeth cry out fears the chamberlains woke and wonders how he couldn’t do it. Macbeth then comes to her confirming he went through with it as his hands are covered in blood and that the chamberlains did wake but went back to sleep after saying their prayers. “But wherefore could I not pronounce ‘Amen? I had most need of blessing, and ‘Amen’ stuck in my throat.”p.985 (like you did something very unholy) Then he thought he heard a voice through the whole house echoing sleep no more. “Glamis hath murder’d sleep, and therefore Cawdor shall sleep no more, Macbeth shall sleep no more!”p.986 Lady Macbeth first tells him not to worry but then get angry when he forgot to frame the chamberlains and refuses to go back so she takes the dagger and does it. (fuck this I’ll do it myself) Macbeth wonders frightened, “will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood clean from my hands?”p.986 Lady Macbeth returns, blood on her hands too and has Macbeth come to their chambers to wash.

A2S3

A porter hears knocking and grumbles about the noise, it’s Macduff and Lennox and Macduff is irritated the porter took so long to let them in. Macbeth enters and Macduff wants to see the king Macbeth says he’s still sleeping. Lennox describe the storm last night nothing like he’s ever seen (this is a sign something is wrong) as Macduff comes back screaming about the horror and has them both go to the king’s chambers. Macduff sounds the alarm, “Awake! Awake! Ring the alarm-bell. Murder and treason!”p.897 Lady Macbeth wakes and demands to know what is going on but Macduff won’t speak of murder to a woman. (hahaha if only you knew) Macbeth and Lennox come back with news that the king is dead and Malcolm and Donalbain are informed as they arrive and the chamberlains appear to have done it and are also dead. Macbeth claims to have done that as he was furious Macduff is suspicious (wait if you just found out he was killed when we got here how did-) but Lady Macbeth distracts them by fainting. Banquo will fight this treason, they agree with him and alone Malcolm and Donalbain discuss how they don’t feel safe, “where we are, there’s daggers in men’s smiles:”p.988 They’ll split to England and Ireland. (in no way could this be seen as suspicious)

A2S4

Outside the castle Ross and an old man discuss the strange happenings (not that happening) last Tuesday an owl killed a hawk and Duncan’s well trained horses turned wild, “broke their stalls, flung out, contending ‘gainst obedience, as they would make war with mankind.” “’Tis said they ate each other.”p.988 (see sign as the king was ordained by god going against that order throws nature out of wack) Macduff emerges and says Macbeth killed those responsible for the king’s death and will be crowned. Ross doesn’t like it, “’Gainst nature still! Thriftless ambition that will ravin up thine own life’s means!”p.988 Macduff says Malcolm and Donalbain fled and are now suspicious as they go home the old man adds, “Gods’ benison go with you; and with this that would make good of bad, and friends of foes!”

A3S1

In Forres, Banquo reflects on the prophecy fulfilling, if Macbeth becomes king what about the second part. (how you won’t be king but you sons will like you’ll be a great man or something and your sons will rise to kingship) Macbeth, Lady Macbeth, Lennox and Ross enter to invite him to a celebratory feast, Banquo will come and says he plans to ride that afternoon. Macbeth says they should discuss Malcolm and Donalbain who fled and could be plotting against them and asks if Fleance is with him, yes, and they all leave, Macbeth with his attendant who informs him men are waiting for him at  the gate. Alone Macbeth gives a speech that Banquo was once his friend but now fears him and his sons, (ok you have no sons so it is possible you will name Banquo’s kids as your heirs a prophecy is all about interpretation I mean look at what happened to Voldemort) the attendant comes back with the murderers and Macbeth reminds them of their previous conversation of what a bad guy Banquo is. They are angry enough to kill him and Macbeth says he is also his enemy and for them to leave no traces as they kill him and his son too. “Banquo, thy souls flight, if it find heaven, must find out to-night.”p.990

A3S2

In the castle Lady Macbeth is in despair and has her husband sent for, “’tis safer to be that which we destroy than by destruction dwell in doubtful joy.”p.990 When Macbeth enters she tells him not to be disconcerted, “what is done is done.”p.990 Macbeth says he is afflicted with dreams and that their business isn’t complete with Banquo and Fleance, but already carried out plans and tells her to play innocent during the feast. (so she has a pang of conscious but Macbeth tasted blood and won’t quail at spilling more)

A3S3

On the road the murderers ambush Banquo and Fleance. “O, treachery! Fly, good Fleance, fly, fly, fly! Thou mayst revenge.”p.991 As Fleance escapes (you two had one job) the murderers decided to report it to Macbeth.

A3S4

Everyone is seated at the banquet when one of the murderers has Macbeth talk to him, that he killed Banquo but Fleance escaped, Macbeth was pleased at first then angry his throne isn’t secure. As Macbeth rejoins the banquet Banquo’s ghost appears (Banquo…banquet see what you did there) in Macbeth’s seat Macbeth says the table is full but to everyone else the seat is empty. The others wonder what is wrong with him but Lady Macbeth says he does this all the time and to ignore him. Lady Macbeth tells him to act like a man and snap out of it, Macbeth tells them to look but the ghost disappears. Macbeth starts to recover and apologies when Banquo reapers and shocks him and disappears again as Macbeth has a fit and Lady Macbeth makes excuses for him and sends the guests away. “It will have blood, they say; blood will have blood:”p.993 He tells his wife Macduff plans to stay away and he will consult the weird sisters tomorrow to see what is plotting against him. “I am in blood stepp’d in so far, should I wade no more, returning were as tedious as go o’er.”p.993 (well generally it’s best to stop murdering)

A3S5

On the heath the witches meet and Hecate (goddess of witchcraft) scolds them for meddling with Macbeth and she will take over and they will charm him into a false sense of security. (there’s a whole debate if Macbeth is a victim of fate or not I can’t tell you I never saw that Gargoyles episode)

A3S6

In the palace Lennox is discussing matters with a lord, Fleance was blamed for his fathers murder like Malcolm and Donalbain for Duncan. After the feast he suspects Macbeth and the lord says Macduff is in England to join Malcolm, “by the help of these-with him above to ratify the work-we may again give our tables meat, sleep in our nights, free from our feasts and banquets bloody knives.”p.994 (so being ruled under Macbeth sucks) Macbeth prepares for war and Lennox hopes Macduff will return soon.

A4S1

In a cave a cauldron boils and the three witches chant a spell Hecate compliments their work and there is a  knock one witch remarks, “By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.”p.995 Macbeth enters demanding to know the truth of their prophecies (and also what are they doing with the cauldron W: …dinner) and they summon apparitions to answer. An armored head, “Beware Macduff; beware the Thane of Fife.”p.995 A bloody child, “Be bloody bold, and resolute; laugh to scorn the power of man, for none of woman born shall harm Macbeth.”p.995 A crowned child holding a tree branch, “Macbeth shall never vanquish’d be until Great Birnam wood to high Dunsinane hill shall come against him.”p.995 (no man born of woman can harm him and when a forest travels across a hill remember what I said about interpretation) Macbeth is happy at this impossibility, then asks if Banquo will rule then Banquo’s ghost with eight children following, Macbeth demands to know the meaning of it but the witches vanish. Lennox says he saw nothing but when Macbeth hears Macduff is in England he resolves to end it, “give to the edge of the sword his wife, his babes, and all unfortunate souls that trace him in his line.”p.996 (it’s going to be a very long summer)

A4S2

In Macduff’s castle, Lady Macduff feels betrayed by her husband leaving them, but Ross insists to trust her husband, he knows best before he leaves them. Lady Macduff worries how they will live with Macduff dead but her son insists he isn’t. A messenger comes saying that they are in danger they have to leave, Lady Macduff they are innocent. “But I remember now I am in this earthly world, where, to do harm is often laudable, to do good sometime accounted dangerous folly;”p.997 (side eyes current events) Then they are sieged and killed.

A4S3

In England’s palace Malcolm and Macduff talk, Malcolm doesn’t trust him since he left his family and could be working with Macbeth. “angels are bright still, though the brightest fell;”p.998 (see Paradise Lost) to see if he’s trust worthy Malcolm lists his vices. “in whom I know all the particulars of vice so grafted, that, wen they shall be open’d, black Macbeth will seem as pure as snow,”p.998 (so you slaughtered countless people) Malcolm says he sleeps with any woman, is greedy and prone to violence and doesn’t care for kingly behaviors. Macduff says he’s not fit to even live, “Thy royal father was a most sainted king; the queen that bore thee, oft’ner upon her knees than on her feet dies every day she liv’d.”p.999 Malcolm reveals he made it all up he is a godly man, “I am yet unknown to woman, never was forsworn, scarcely have coveted wat was mine own; at no time broke my faith,”p.999 (he’s a virgin I was the only one in my class to catch that) He embraces Macduff and a doctor comes to say a crew of wretched souls come for the king to cure evil.

Ross enters having come from Scotland to inform that Macduff’s family is well when he left them. But he urges Malcolm to return he says he will with ten thousand men and Ross breaks down. He confesses to Macduff his family was murdered and everyone in the castle. Malcolm tries to comfort him, “Be comforted: let’s make us medicine of our great revenge, to cure this deadly grief.”p.1000 Macduff is distraught and Malcolm tells him to turn it to anger and Macduff swears vengeance.

A5S1

In the castle a doctor and a woman are discussing Lady Macbeth’s condition of sleepwalking. Lady Macbeth then enters sleepwalking washing her hands, (this play is said to be cursed in one production during this scene the actress accidentally walked off the stage) “Out, damned spot! Out, I say!”-“yet who would have thought the old man to have so much blood in him?”p.1001 the doctor declares this is beyond his practice, “unnatural deeds do breed unnatural troubles; infected minds to their deaf pillows will discharge their secrets;”p.1001 (translated your subconscious is bringing out your guilt) He tells to woman to watch her. (and we’ll see how well that turns out)

A5S2

Near Dunsinane, Lennox, Angus and others meet to discuss Malcom’s army, they will meet them near Birnam wood. Angus wonders how he feels, “now does he feel his title hang loose about him, like a giant’s robe upon a dwarfish theif.”p.1001 They march.

A5S3

In the Dunsinane castle Macbeth is talking to the doctor, he isn’t afraid since he heard the prophecy. (you ever hear of a self-fulfilling prophecy Voldemort can tell you all about it) A servant tells him there are a thousand soldiers and Macbeth says he doesn’t have friends in his age but curses. The doctor informs him his wife is worse Macbeth tell him to fix her, “cure her of that: const thou not minister to a mind diseas’d, “-“cleanse the stuff’d bosom of that perilous that which weighs upon the heart?” “Therein the patient must minister to himself.” p.1002 (my teacher saw this as Shakespeare being advanced in saying there can be medicine for sick minds as psychology wasn’t invented yet)

A5S4

Near Birnam Wood, Malcolm, Macduff and others plan, Malcolm gives orders, “Let every soldier hew him down a bough and bear’t before him: thereby we shall we shadow the numbers of our host,”p.1003 (so the wood of Birnam is travelling across a hill) Malcolm hopes for the advantage and they march onward. (well they’re not Ents but I guess they’ll get the job done)

A5S5

In the castle Macbeth orders banners hung for the siege then hears a woman scream. Seyton informs him that Lady Macbeth is dead and Macbeth soliloquys in shock, “Life’s but a shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”p.1003 (1: thank you Simpsons for having this be the first piece of Shakespeare I memorized 2: a haunting way to say what we do in life can amount to nothing our lives are short and meaningless 3: Q recited it best no argument) A messenger informs him Birnam Wood is moving, Macbeth recalls the prophecy and declares he’ll die fighting.

A5S6

Before the castle Malcolm and his army advance, “Make all our trumpets speak; give the mull breath, those clamorous harbingers of blood and death.”p.1004

A5S7

On another part of the plain, Macbeth is arrogant because no man born of woman is impossible, Young Siward (who is this) calls him a tyrant they fight and he is slain. Macduff enters the fray haunted by his family and will fight Macbeth, “Let me find him, fortune! And more I beg not,”p.1004 As Malcolm and Old Siward enter the castle, Macbeth and Macduff finally encounter each other. “Of all men else I have avoided thee but get thee back, my soul is too much chang’d with blood of thine already.”p.1004 (you killed his whole family one more is pretty moot at this point) Macbeth claims he won’t die to man born of woman but, “Macduff was from his mother’s womb untimely ripp’d.”p.1004 (cesarean section technically not born of a woman in the traditional sense) Macbeth is suddenly fearful for his life the prophecy came true but he will still fight.

Macbeth’s forces retreat Malcolm, Old Siward and Ross stand before the recaptured castle. Old Siward is informed of his son’s death and Siward calls him God’s soldier, a fair death. Better news, Macduff carries Macbeth’s head and proclaims Malcolm king of Scotland who then makes the Thanes Earls. In time friends who fled will come home, he invites those around him to watch him be crowned at Scone. (yay happy ending except for all that were murdered)

[josemaximiliano-blog1]

FAVORITE ALBUMS 2017 (TOP 50)

2017 was a phenomenal year for music and a special one because this year I went full dedication to music, heard albums here and there, a lot of them actually to be precise 402 albums I heard just from this year, there were good albums, bad albums, horrible albums, happy albums, sad albums, we had everything this year and out of those 402 I heard I selected the 50 that I liked the most from New Wave to Doom Metal to Bubblegum Pop to Hip-Hop, I found out about a lot of new interesting artists and I’m looking forward for what next year has in store for us. It was hard to choose my top 50 but here are the ones that stand out the most.

1. Alex Cameron - Forced Witness (New Wave, Synth Pop, Soft Rock)

Wow. This album has the best songwriting of the year, just to start the character development is sublime, the hooks are catchy, the lyrics are hysterically funny and the production is awe-inspiring, it brings back the 80′s in such an amazing way, his vocal performance is stirring. This album is an introspective look into the persona that Alex created. The recurrent themes of masculinity, bravado, love, failure, sincerity, hope and hopelessness make this album grow into you until it becomes addictive. The lyrics might be fun and everything but at the end there is a raw reality that some might feel identified with it. 

Three songs you should check out: Candy May, Stranger’s Kiss (Duet With Angel Olsen), Politics of Love. 

2. The War On Drugs - A Deeper Understanding (Heartland Rock, Synth Rock)

This album is awesome from start to finish, makes me want to take the car during midnight and drive and never look back, its beautiful and satisfying guitar riffs to its gorgeous instrumental breaks and dreamy synths make this album an almost perfect listening experience, with the cherry on top being the thoughtful and heart melting/breaking lyrics.

Three songs you should check out: Pain, Thinking Of A Place, You Don’t Have To Go.

3. Arca - Arca (Art Pop)

Immaculate and gorgeous production joined by a powerful voice, it is a journey into Alejandro Ghersi’s sexual life, fantasies and thoughts. This album has  astonishing and beautiful falsettos with great lyricism.

Three songs you should check out: Anoche, Castration, Miel.

4. The National - Sleep Well Beast (Alternative Rock)

This album explores new territories into The National’s great discography and it is their most experimental album yet and it might be their best album too, time will decide. Frontman Matt Berninger gifts us one of the best written albums of the year with a sorrowful and mature songwriting joined by an amazing band work by the Dessner twins and company.

This album could’ve been my number one spot but being honest... Turtleneck is not for me. Excited to see them live next month!

Three songs you should check out: Nobody Else Will Be There, Dark Side of the Gym, Sleep Well Beast.

5. BROCKHAMPTON - SATURATION (Experimental Hip-Hop, Hip-Hop)

The first album out of the Saturation trilogy and what a perfect way to get introduced to this boyband, I want to be like them so bad! this album is banger after banger, the production is juicy and amazing, you will never get tired of this album.

I have more to say about them but (spoiler alert) they have two more spots on this list and I don’t wanna run out of praise.

Three songs you should check out: HEAT, SWIM, MILK.

6. Lorde - Melodrama (Art Pop)

This is an album that can define an entire generation, Ella wrote an album for the teenagers and it is a true blessing, with her beautiful voice and gorgeous production by Jake Antonoff (fun, Bleachers) Melodrama is really a melodramatic expression of the daily lives of many of us.

That’s a beautiful cover art by the way.

Three songs you should check out: Liability, Hard Feelings/Loveless, Liability (Reprise)

7. Perfume Genius - No Shape

Love has no shape, this album gorgeously produced songs (totally deserved that Grammy nomination) and Mike’s angelical voice make a wonderful listening experience.

Three songs you should check out: Slip Away, Die 4 You, Alan.

8. Sorority Noise - You’re Not As Alone As You Think (Emo, Indie Rock, Punk)

In a year where I openly struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts and a friends death this album helped me a lot even though I might still be depressed, yes, this album talks about the same stuff I struggled with but sometimes a negative plus negative make a positive change.

Three songs you should check out: No Halo, A Portrait Of, A Better Sun.  (It is just 30 minutes long so why not check the whole thing)

9. Father John Misty - Pure Comedy (Singer Songwriter)

2017 was a hell of a year and it is slowly going to fade away as long as we keep fighting each other and this album is just a reminder of that but it is also a reminder that it is a miracle to be alive and there is nothing to fear. Tillman’s songwriting is really an inspiration for me and he is my role model.

Three songs you should check out: Pure Comedy, The Memo, In Twenty Years or So.

10. King Krule - The OOZ (Post Punk, Art Rock, Nü Jazz, Trip Hop)

Yeah that genre description is cool isn’t it. Archy came out this with an amazing set of songs that explore depression and he just keeps showing us how great of an artist he is and yes we have to honest his voice is just something else I dream with his voice.

Three songs you should check out: Dum Surfer, The Ooz, Midnight 01 (Deep Sea Diver).

11. Charli XCX - Pop 2 (Electro Pop, Bubblegum Pop)

Charli closed the year with an amazing mixtape that stands out thanks to the amazing production by the PC Music team, the album is very futuristic and enjoyable with great features. 

Three songs you should check out: Lucky, Porsche (Feat. MØ), Track 10. 

12. Remo Drive - Greatest Hits (Indie Rock, Emo)

Same issue as Forced Witness but now with the title, to my understanding this is their DEBUT ALBUM and the fact they named it “Greatest Hits” made me think that this was a compilation from an old band trying to have more revenue but I’m glad I was wrong. This set of upbeat teenager songs is one of the best debut albums of the year.

They’re going to be touring with Sorority Noise how cool someone take me there!!!

Three songs you should check out: Crash Test Rating, Yer Killin’ Me, I’m My Own Doctor.

13. Julien Baker - Turn Out the Lights (Singer Songwriter)

The follow up to her debut album “Sprained Ankle” couldn’t be better, this is one of the most heart breaking and depressing albums (second most depressive because A Crow Looked At Me exists) of the year, Julien opens up with more depressive themes such as drug abuse, faith, suicidal thoughts and love and her delivery brings me to tears, the song structures here are brilliant and satisfying almost depending on the vocal performance but she doesn’t disappoint.  

Three songs you should check out: Appointments, Sour Breath, Claws in Your Back.

14. Tyler The Creator - Flower Boy (Experimental Hip-Hop)

I didn’t like Tyler before this release but it did change my mind, this project was the album of my summer, literally, that was the only album I heard during summer camp so it brings me a lot of good memories with my friends and girlfriend.

Three songs you should check out: See You Again, Boredom, 911/Mr. Lonely.

15. Kirin J Callinan - Bravado (Art Pop, Synth Pop, Euro Dance)

The fact that one of my favorite songs from this album is one of my favorite memes of the year makes me feel wholesome.

Watch it for yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvrZJ5C_Nwg the joy starts at 2:23

Three songs you should check out: S.A.D., Big Enough, Bravado.

16. Fleet Foxes - Crack-Up (Chamber Folk, Folk)

One of the best produced and written albums of the year, beautiful instrumentation comes along with a strong set of lyrics to give one of the most pleasing albums this year, this would be even higher on my list if it hadn’t been for the replay value (that is good but it took me a while). 

It has one of the most beautiful cover arts of the year for sure.

Three songs you should check out: -Naiads, Cassadies, Third of May / Ōdaigahara, Fool’s Errand. 

17. Phoebe Bridgers - Stranger in the Alps (Singer Songwriter)

Another set of depressing songs now this time from Phoebe, props for being a debut album too, her songwriting reminds me a lot of Mark Kozelek and yes she actually sings a cover (which is my favorite cover of the year) from a Mark song. The narrative on her songs is criminally incredible.

Three songs you should check out: Smoke Signals, Funeral, You Missed My Heart (cover).

18. Charli XCX - Number 1 Angel (Electro Pop, Bubblegum Pop)

It’s Charli, again. One of the catchiest releases of the year with a more mainstream focus than Pop 2 but still the album is great and the features again are amazing, so much chemistry.

Three songs you should check out: Emotional, Babygirl (feat. Uffie), Lipgloss (feat. CupcakKe).

19. Protomartyr - Relatives In Descent (Post Punk)

The songwriting...

I’m not saying anything about this album just read this verse.  

From the song “Half Sister”

In Northern Michigan There was an incident in winter A horse was hit by lightning And began to speak in a foreign language When he was finally understood It repeated, "Humans are no good" So they shot it behind the shed and stuffed him He's now on display as a lesson For the kids to always do your best Do your best always.

Have to say that the “she’s just trying to reach you” reprise used throughout the album is just heart breaking.

Three songs you should check out: A Private Understanding, The Chuckler, Night Blooming-Cereus.

20. Counterparts - You’re Not You Anymore (Metalcore, Hardcore Punk)

This album doesn’t catch a break at all 27 minutes of straight forward madness. All I have to say.

Three songs you should check out: Bouquet, No Servant of Mine, You’re Not You Anymore.

21. Mount Kimbie - Love What Survives (Future Garage, Indietronica)

Every time I listen to this album I just want to lay down and chill for a minute, great production and it has an overall dreamy vibe, shout out to Mount Kimbie for introducing me to King Krule.

Three songs you should check out: Blue Train Lines, Marylin, We Go Home Together.

22. BROCKHAMPTON - SATURATION III (Experimental Hip-Hop, Pop Rap)

The boys back at it again, the conclusion to the Saturation saga and it is as creative as previous efforts, they keep changing their sound with every new album, what I liked the most from this album was that members like JOBA got more spotlight than ever before, the MVP’S of this one were Matt, Merlyn and JOBA.

Three songs you should check out: LIQUID, BLEACH, HOTTIE.

23. Oneohtrix Point Never - Good Time Original Motion Picture Soundtrack (Soundtrack, Ambient, Original Score) 

The highest entry for a movie score is Good Time, what an addition to the movie with high gripping and tense sequences of dreamy acid songs and with one of the best closing tracks of the year with The Pure and the Damned featuring Iggy Pop the song is heartbreaking and a great culmination to the album. 

Three songs you should check out: Leaving The Park, Connie, The Pure and the Damned. 

24. Rex Orange County - Apricot Princess (Alternative R&B) 

This is an underrated and overlooked album that definitively deserves more attention, Alex delivers sweet and lovely songs with his unique and tender voice, great instrumentation and vocal performance. If you are looking for a love album this might be one of the best ones of the year. 

Three songs you should check out: 4 Seasons, Rain Man, Happiness. 

25. BROCKHAMPTON - SATURATION II (Experimental Hip-Hop)

What a year for the boyband. This one is full of bangers.

Three songs you should check out: SWAMP, JUNKY, SUMMER. 

26. King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard - Flying Microtonal Banana (Psychedelic Rock)

It is the strange vibe to this album and the crazy tuning that makes this an exotic and groovy album. The prolific Australian band proved that they are here to stay, they put out four solid albums in a short span of time and this has to be my favorite (one more to come out before the year ends). Looking forward for the fifth of the year! 

Three songs you should check out: Rattlesnake, Sleep Drifter, Doom City. 

27. Kyle Dixon & Michael Stein - Stranger Things 2 (A Netflix Original Series Soundtrack)

In my opinion the score outlives the tv show, this nostalgic vibe is incredible and all the layering is chilling yet beautiful to hear, from mellow synths to dark and eerie atmospheric sequences this album is one of the most memorable things of the show. 

Three songs you should check out: Eulogy, Descent into the Rift, Soldiers. 

28. Xiu Xiu - FORGET (Art Pop) 

It’s unsettling, bold and dreary, this is an album you should not forget about, vocal performances on point plus a weird and iconic instrumentation. 

Three songs you should check out: The Call, Wondering, Get Up. 

29. Mount Eerie - A Crow Looked At Me (Singer Songwriter) 

The year’s most depressing album follows the story of Phil Elverum who tragically lost his wife after fighting against cancer, this is as real as it can be, the songwriting is heart breaking and outstanding, this album is arguably one of the best three albums of the year for me but the replay value affected its place on the list, the listening experience is too pessimistic and full of gut punches that I find it hard to listen to the full album in just one sitting. 

Three songs you should check out: Real Death, Swims, My Chasm. 

Starting from the next album I’m just giving my quick thoughts...

30. Benjamin Clementine - I Tell A Fly (Chamber Pop, Art Pop, Avant Garde) 

An album with great and beautiful instrumentation joined by one of the most interesting and satisfying voices working today. 

Three songs you should check out: God Save The Jungle, Phantom Of Aleppoville, One Awkward Fish. 

31. Sampha - Process (R&B) 

One of my favorite R&B releases of the year, Sampha has such a great voice. 

Three songs you should check out: (No One Knows Me) Like the Piano, Under, Timmy’s Prayer. 

32. IDLES - Brutalism (Post Punk)

The album title describes everything, brutalism all over the place with an interesting political/social point of view. Vocal performances are awesome. 

Three songs you should check out: Mother, Divide & Conquer, White Privilege.

33. Ariel Pink - Dedicated to Bobby Jameson (New Wave, Synth Pop, Art Pop)

This album was my introduction to Ariel Pink and it was so good I enjoyed so much every track with a nostalgic vibe of music from the last century. 

Three songs you should check out: Feels Like Heaven, Another Weekend, I Wanna Be Young.

34. Destroyer - Ken (Synth Pop) 

I love the synths here, to be honest that was what made me love this album, it is so well designed and the lyrics were pretty cool.  

Three songs you should check out: Sky’s Grey, Rome, Sometimes in the World. 

35. Daniel Hart - A Ghost Story (Original Soundtrack Album)

I went to see the movie almost six months ago and the first thing I did after walking out of the movie theater was crossing the street to the nearest record store and buy the album, it still haunts me to this day, the album itself haunts me as well as the movie. 

Three songs you should check out: Whatever Hour You Woke, Post Pie, The Secret In The Wall. 

36. Jay-Z - 4:44 (Hip-Hop) 

One of the best written hip- hop albums this year for sure, pure sincerity and emotion in this project and the production is just brilliant. 

Three songs you should check out: The Story of O.J., Caught Their Eyes (feat. Frank Ocean), 4:44.  

37. The xx - I See You (Indietronica) 

One of the first albums I heard this year and it was good enough to make it to my list, I like the sensuality of the beats here and the smooth vibe to it. 

Three songs you should check out: Say Something Loving, Perfomance, Test Me. 

38. Primitive Man - Caustic (Doom Metal) 

I like the way my favorite reviewer (theneedledrop) described this album, I share the same feeling so I’m just going to quoute “ Doom metal trio Primitive Man returns with one of the most nihilistic albums in the genre. For anyone who enjoys some pain with their pleasure.”

Three songs you should check out: My Will, Victim, Inevitable. 

39. Moses Sumney - Aromanticisim (Art Pop, R&B) 

Uhhh his voice is so beautiful and he is such a talented artist I’m in love with his voice, make sure you enjoy his voice as much as I do. I urge everyone to listen to Doomed if you wanna know what I am talking about. 

Three songs you should check out: Plastic, Make Out in My Car, Doomed. 

40. Code Orange - Forever (Sludge Metal) 

It is brutal it is dirty it is aggressive it makes you wanna throw punches. 

The cover art is easily top 3 of the year for me. 

Three songs you should check out: Forever, Real, Spy. 

41. King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard - Polygondwanaland (Psychedelic Rock, Progressive Rock)

This is a great concept album that you should check out (if you are into concept albums otherwise you might not like it) because I love how every song builds to a great climax at the end. 

Three songs you should check out: Crumbling Castle, Loyalty, The Fourth Color. 

42. Alvvays - Antisocialites (Dream Pop) 

Dream pop at its best this year. 

Three songs you should check out: Dreams Tonite, Your Type, Forget About Life. 

43. Slowdive - Slowdive (Shoegaze) 

Great comeback from one of the most important bands of the genre, good for driving. 

Three songs you should check out: Star Roving, Sugar for the Pill, Falling Ashes. 

44. King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard - Murder of the Universe, Chapter 1: The Tale of the Altered Beast, Chapter 2: The Lord of Lightning vs. Balrog (Psychedelic Rock) 

The boys are here again for the third time, why did I put the chapters? Because this album is divided in three chapters and oh god the third chapter almost ruins everything so that’s why I didn’t put it here and I think that the first two need recognition, I love the narrative tone of the album and how it feels like a real story or a video game. 

Three songs you should check out: Altered Beast I, The Lord of Lightning, The Balrog. 

45. Zola Jesus - Okovi (Art Pop) 

This album is so meaningful (a little bit of background, Zola Jesus wrote this album for a friend who tried to commit suicide twice) and powerful, it has a very strong message and the production is beautiful. 

My favorite cover art of the year here. 

Three songs you should check out: Witness, Siphon, Half Life. 

46. Hans Zimmer - Blade Runner 2049 (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack) 

So nostalgic and brings back the vibe from one of my favorite movies of the year. 

Three songs you should check out: Flight to LAPD, Joi, All the Best Memories Are Hers. 

47. Yung Lean - Stranger (Clout Rap) 

This album might had its flaws but it is a great listening experience if you just one to chill for a minute, solid production, lyrics and performances so yeah why not. Also bonus points for having two of my favorite singles of the year. 

Three songs you should check out: Red Bottom Sky, Hunting My Own Skin, Agony.  

48. ROSALÍA - Los Ángeles (Flamenco) 

One of the last albums I heard this year, If I had listen to this album earlier on the year it might have been higher on the list but anyways this is a good project from Rosalía and she has one of the most attractive voices of the year. 

Three songs you should check out: Nos Quedamos Solitos, Día 14 De Abril, I See A Darkness. 

 49. Ex Eye - Ex Eye (Post Metal)

This is just four tracks long but it is epic and progressive, really well produced album and nice to see Colin Stetson experimenting more with his saxophone. 

Three tracks you should listen: Go with all the album, it is just four tracks, If I had to choose one... Anaitis Hymnal; the Arkose Disc. 

50. Mac DeMarco - This Old Dog (Singer Songwriter)

The songwriting here is solid with a nice production, the song structures make this album a satisfying session. 

Three songs you should check out: For the First Time, Moonlight on the River, Watching Him Fade Away.

[doomedandstoned]

Sludge From Tulsa: A Chat With SENIOR FELLOWS

~By Shawn Gibson~

As you know, the doom metal scene has mushroomed in size and scope, almost doubling its size since Doomed & Stoned started documenting this explosive phenomenon. My team members are introducing me to new bands all the time and I'm constantly amazed at how many stellar bands I've been missing out on. Today, Shawn Gibson interviews James Plumlee, the mastermind behind the Tulsa, Oklahoma act Senior Fellows. The band is notable for its focus on controversial issues touching everything from politics to white collar crime. James is a kind of Renaissance man, contributing vocals, guitar, bass, and drums to each of the band's three full-length albums. (Editor)

The Christened Remains of an Evolutionary Catastrophe by Senior Fellows

What's the meaning of Senior Fellows?

The way I like to think of it is when I hear, "Oh, I'm a Senior Fellow at the Cato Institute!" -- typically a blowhard, you know? That's sort of the way we are in some respects. It seems like we know what we're talking about, but really we're just screaming at you. We're just yelling at you, not to change your mind or anything, this is more about getting out frustration, not unlike the preachy sense. "Senior Fellows, huh? Like you guys got something to say?" I guess! Just some guy on the screen screaming at you. It's more of that than on the intellectual side. "Oh you're a Senior Fellow?" You're just some random person they got to articulate the message well enough. It's kind of a silly name, in some respects. Some of us are older, so it's turned into "your old dudes!" Yeah, we got it. That wasn't really the plan, but whatever. (laughs)

I agree! My oldest son, Devlin, is into metal and a fan of Senior Fellows! I can’t wait for him to turn 18 so we can go to shows.

Yeah. That’s cool! We played a show in Arkansas maybe a year ago and someone brought their kid and they were just ecstatic and brought a record. This is cool! You know, it's a safe atmosphere, kinda DIY. The kid was into it. It would be one thing if they were over there in the corner crying! (laughs) "Dad, Dad not this!" (both laugh)

Ecclesiastical Servitude LP by Senior Fellows

Who did the artwork for your first album, 'Ecclesiastical Servitude' (2013)?

There's a friend of ours at the time named John Bryant. He did the artwork for this and he screen-printed all of them. There's components in there of his mixed with the upside down birds are from Edward The Confessorof England. That's kind of an old, medieval English thing. That's where the birds came from, the rest of it’s his art. I kinda let him do what he wanted to. He screen-printed it and just kept it kinda cryptic, you know? I can’t give you a ton of conspiracy behind it, but there's something there! (laughs)

What bands influence you?

I listened to an awful lot of different music. I was raised on heavy metal in the 80's and that went on for years into sludgier kind of stuff into more contemporary bands like Thou or Primitive Man. The guys and bands that stem from Burning Witch. We are a sludge band with elements of some doom in there, but also favors more towards hardcore or like post metallic hardcore -- Ken Mode, bands like that.

I love THOU and anything Ethan Lee McCarthy does.

I booked them [Primitive Man] here in town. I listen to a lot stuff. It's almost like The Smiths are an influence even though it doesn't sound like it.

I used to listen to The Smiths. My taste is all across the board even old gospel.

I was going to do covers of hymns.

Whats a damn good book you've read?

Let’s see, 'Blood Meridian' and a few other McCarthy books I like, this was a long time ago, the Jaco Pastorius biography. It's kinda weird, but I read that one a bunch. I went through a phase where I was thinking I was doing myself a disservice if I wasn't reading non-fiction. You know, political or some consequence in real life. It's sort of a big shift, like I've got to take a break. There's a whole creative side to this I haven't explored really enough. There are times I'm reading complete junk and it feels good! (laughs) I guess, lately, from the Warhammer 40K books, they're just complete fantasy silliness. I've been researching the Vietnam War -- my Dad was in it. This is something I've been researching for a long time. I went to Vietnam this year to visit.

I've heard it's beautiful there.

Yeah, it's really cool. Reading stuff along those lines. I'm a paramedic, so I end up reading a lot of stuff pertaining to my profession. I'm studying again for another test.

I'm the same way. I read books pertaining to my profession.

Shallow Grave for a Dying God LP by Senior Fellows

What's one of the best tours you've played?

I'd say it'd have to be The Southwest Terror Fest we played. The tour out there and back -- Tucson, Arizona last year. It was The Body, Full of Hell, and SUMAC. That was incredible! We didn't play that well. We used backline equipment. I knew better than to use other people’s cabs! I was talking to the guy beforehand and I said. "We're not a doom band in the traditional sense. I need a lot of gain. I don't need it fuzzy. I need a lot of gain." He said, "No, no, no, no problem! These are Sound City! You know Sound City?" "Yeah I'm aware they're great. Okay, if there's a lot of gain." The guy sets up two full stacks and I was like, "Oh man, this is going to be brutal. This is going to be great!" I get up there and start playing and I realize he didn't understand what I was saying at all. It was like a clean channel that was breaking up, just the clean channel was turned way up. So I'm looking at the guy: "Where's my gain, man?" It's clear to me that it was too late to switch anything at this point. The show was incredible, though. We were treated super well. There's a video of it and I cringe every time when I see it. It was a great memory and a really cool tour.

Being a smaller band or whatever, when you're treated well it's just such a nice feeling. They treated us like anyone else and it was like, "So this is how this feels." (laughs) Not like getting yelled at by some bar owner, you know? Going to the East coast is great in its own way, like New York City. That one for us was probably the high point, as of late. So that was cool. Played Roswell, New Mexico, too, which was hilarious. Just getting to play Roswell, because it’s a quirky place!

What makes you laugh uncontrollably?

Hmm, that's a good question. Damn it! Hang on, let me think. Umm, uncontrollably? It's going to take a lot to get me to get it moving. It'll be something stupid like...

Naked Gun does it for me.

Oh, absolutely! I grew up on Police Squad.

I was very fortunate to have my grandma take me to see Naked Gun in theaters.

That's awesome! I tricked my grandmother into letting me see 'Big Trouble In Little China.' She was like, "Are you supposed to be seeing this?" I was like, "Yeah, most definitely!" (laughs) I think SCTV was pretty good, that kind of stuff. I listen to a lot of standup comedy podcasts. I try to listen to newer stuff. Not listening to Richard Pryor's albums, which I do! (laughs) Something stupid on YouTube looped for hours. These will be the things that get the most likes. It's very strange, I don't completely understand, but it's fun to mess with. I have four hours of static from TV that has the most views on my YouTube channel. Why is this? It got to 110,000 views! Three hours, nineteen minutes of 4x3 snow, that's the name of the video.

Senior Fellows/Holy Void Split 7" by Senior Fellows

Anything in the works for Senior Fellows?

Well, we just did a short tour up to Minneapolis and back. Looking to write new stuff. We have three albums out in a fairly decent time. The last record, The Christened Remains Of An Evolutionary Catastrophe, came out about a year ago. We've got some new stuff, not recorded yet. The last album was slightly expanding to a more technical side. Look at the evolution of it. It went from straight ahead to, you know, curve balls in there that can leave audiences thinking, "Oh, I can't just nod to this What's wrong with you guys?"

You should have progression and evolve for yourself and your bandmates. Keep it fresh! Ecclesiastical Servitude is pretty much straight forward sludge with hardcore tones, especially "Edward The Confessor" with Julia on backing vocals. I fucking love that song! 'Shallow Grave For A Dying God' (2015) seems leaning towards hardcore more than sludge and still heavy! 'The Christened Remains of an Evolutionary Catastrophe' (2016) -- heavy and thick as 'Ecclesiastical Servitude' (2013), but you hear an evolution for Senior Fellows from the other two albums.

The first one I played, everything and backing vocals.

Dustin did the vocals right?

Dustin did the vocals yeah. It was nice to expand past that and get some other drummer. You were talking about backing vocals on "Edward The Confessor." Julia is the piano player in And There Stand Empires. It's all instrumental and I play bass. Doing this whole gig can be tough, but I gotta do it! It just keeps me sane playing music. So it's something I just gotta do. I wanna keep putting out records as long as I can and as long as people will buy them.

Follow The Band.

Get Their Music.

[eyesaremosaics]

Thoughts on Aries ?

Sorry this took so long, I haven’t been inspired to write lately. My first love was an Aries, as were three of my roommates/best friends, so I have a soft spot in my heart for them. Even though most of those situations ended poorly.

Aries generally get along best with the opposite sex in my experience. They see the same sex as competition, often unconsciously. Aries men are very childlike in their attraction. They love and admire women the way a little boy feels about their mother, or a prepubescent boy noticing girls for the first time. Their whole being lights up when they see you, and often they get nervous and sheepish around the object of their affections. Aries women have the same childish enthusiasm, yet they often do the pursuing.

What I love about Aries, is their nobility. The best way to describe the core of an Aries is a knight in shining armor. Both men and women. Aries are ruled by Mars, so they are warriors. They have strong energy and enthusiasm. Even if they are tempered with water or earth in their chart, there is still this dynamic energy that emits from them. The through line of Aries is: “I do.” They often act impulsively, or in the moment.

Occasionally this impulsivity gets them into trouble. They can sometimes appear brash, crude, or insensitive. The truth is that they have little tolerance or time for bullshit. They speak their mind, and they don’t beat around the bush. You will always know where you stand with an Aries. My Aries lover saw a dress of mine and his first words were: “it looks like you’re wearing a giant napkin.”

One has to have a good sense of humor to understand Aries. They are naturally combative, but playfully so. Everything is an unconscious game for Aries, they love witty banter (think screwball comedy from the 1930’s, Charlie Chaplin was an Aries). Harassing each other back and fourth is the way to know an Aries likes you.

Aries often has this complex of having to be terminally unique, or devils advocate. Many Aries I have known will argue against something they don’t even believe in, just for the thrill of the argument. Aries needs to win. Their whole self worth, self concept is wrapped up in “winning”. The deepest core fear of an Aries, is that they will not be loved, even though a winner.

Aries fight for the underdog, they love impossible odds, lost causes. Strife pushes them to grow, and they work well under pressure. When the heat is on they don’t waste any time. They will get it done, and most effectively. They are fiercely loyal to their friends, and when an Aries cares for you, they will melt your heart with the purity of their love. It comes to you unconditional, as a newborn baby smiling at you for the first time.

Aries start out as idealists, and are hopeless romantics. Hard knocks in life deeply wound Aries, and may embitter them as adults. They are so disappointed that things are not as they pictured them to be. This can be a problem in the romantic sphere, because they have this rosy picture perfect perception of how love should be, and when that illusion shatters, they lose interest quickly and fall deeper into the despair of disappointment.

They put objects of their affections on a pedestal, and their idols are always falling.

Aries are very creative. They often have hidden genius or talent which comes naturally to them, almost as though they were merely a vessel to embody this gift. They are often skilled artists, wether it be as a musician, an illustrator, painter, craftsman, jewelry maker, photographer, dancer, etc.

My first roommate when I moved out at 18 was Sabrina, who was a tattoo artist. She was a true Aries, born right in the middle of the sign, with lots of Gemini in her chart. This made her very fussy, she was passively angry a lot of the time, sarcastic, always cracking jokes or making amusing assessments and observations about others. Her hair was all the colors of the rainbow, she changed them often depending on her mood.

She had every part of her body pierced at some point, and was covered in tattoos. The Gemini made her a bit of a gossip, but she was hilarious. Sabrina didn’t have many girl friends, so she really treasured me. I think I reminded her a lot of her mother (who was also a libra), and it showed. Aries are uniquely thoughtful. Everyday I would come home, and find her sitting up waiting for me. Her whole being would light up when I opened the door and she would cry: “Megan! You’re home!”

It felt like having a child greet their parent excitedly when they get home from work. The joy is so genuine. It’s really sweet. She would slap a picture on the coffee table and push it toward me. “Megan! I drew you!” She was an illustrator, and so talented. Looking at her drawing melted my heart, she made me look much prettier than I am, and that was the way she saw me.

My other roommate Jasmine, was a make up artist. Ironically, Sabrina and Jasmine were best friends all through high school, but broke up senior year because Sabrina stole Jasmine’s boyfriend. I asked Sabrina why she did that, and she looked very hurt in her eyes. She smiled and looked to the floor, before saying: “jasmine always wanted to be… A ‘pretty’ girl.”

Basically, jasmine had been ditching Sabrina for 'cooler’ friends. This really wounded her, so she retaliated by taking Jasmine’s boyfriend. Jasmine held her grudge toward Sabrina forever. She refused to even talk to her. It wasn’t about the guy for jasmine, so much as it was about betrayal of trust. Jasmine had a lot of Taurus and Capricorn in her chart, so she could be a little more shy than Sabrina. They both had an awesome laugh, especially jasmine. Her laughter sparkled through the whole room, and was the most distinctive thing about her.

When I moved to SF, it was because of Jazzy. She worked at MAC, and I did online orders for Nordstrom. One day we met on the escalator, and she asked me: “do you want to move to the city with me?” “Why would I want to move to San Francisco?”She looked at me incredulously and said: “why WOULDN’T you want to move here??”

All Aries women I know have masculine energy, even if they dress and look very feminine. They are assertive, with strong opinions. If they don’t like you–they will make it known. They get bored easily, and restless. Aries needs to constantly be doing things, traveling, creating, going to events or pursuing hobbies. They often have many hobbies. Also they have a high libido, and can be a bit boy crazy. They identify with men pretty easily, they feel more comfortable around them in many ways.

Sabrina would fold origami when she was anxious. I could always tell when she was having a hard time, because little origami creatures would freckle the landscape of our living room.

Aries have rose colored glasses when they are in love, more so than any other sign, even Pisces. They see the beauty and potential in you that not even you yourself can see. They aren’t always good at words, or expressing themselves verbally. Their actions, their creations are the true insight into their inner life.

Some Aries aren’t necessarily an artist, but they will have a flair for whatever it is that they do. For example, Jazzy wasn’t a painter, a writer, or an artist in the conventional sense, but she was a make up artist. She could paint people’s faces in such a way that she brought out their inner beauty and confidence. That’s what Aries is all about, empowerment and they want to serve as an inspiration to others.

My first love, he could do it all. He played every instrument, he was a filmmaker, a set designer, light technician, painter, illustrator, and a songwriter. He had this non stop flow of creative ideas coming to him all the time. He probably… Is the funniest person I ever met. He used to have me in stitches laughing so hard.

Literal conversation we had once: Me: “you’re not cool enough to be Oscar the grouch.”Aries: “oh yeah? Well you’re just NOT COOL.”Me: “yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge.”Aries: “I did. And he sentencing you to 8 to 10 years of… STILL LAME.”

Or I asked him what his favorite color was, and being the contrary Indian that he is, he said clear.

Me: clear is not a colorAries: yeah huh, there are colors in the rainbow you can’t see. Me: yeah, but they’re not clear. Clear is transparency, it’s a state of being. It’s not a color.

He just kept talking over with me, and refused to accept defeat. He was generally in playful spirits, but he had a lot of sadness and tragedy in his life. I find this to be true of a lot of Aries. They smile through their broken heart. The sad clown.

Aries hate to be wrong, and they hate to be left out. Deep inside they feel like people don’t notice or value them, which is why they seek validation for their accomplishments or just their appearance in some cases, they just want to know that they are still relevant, that they are seen and valued. It’s a bit hard for them to admit, but they need people. They are similar to libra in that way.

You will never be bored with Aries, they are always ahead of you, always pioneering. In fact, their pioneering spirit is what I admire the most about them. Though if they are not careful they can dip into vanity. At times they can become self indulgent when they are licking their wounds. They are painters, painting themselves a lovely world. They say the world either breaks or hardens the heart, this is especially true of Aries. They go one way or the other. They either receive enough stimuli to support their dreams to keep them optimistic champions, or they are knocked down so many times that it makes them bitter and hard–even bullies on occasion.

This is a very effective smokescreen for their insecurities. Their brass offensive exterior is actually just a little kid who feels hurt they were picked last in the second grade.

They will walk through fire or take a billet for their loved ones. They will speak up for those less fortunate than them that they identify with. If they have Taurus or Scorpio in their chart, it will make them darker, more of a brooding personality with trust issues. Scorpio in particular can give them a vindictive flair.

The dark side of Aries lies in this feeling of futility. They either feel elated and inspired to make a difference in the world, or they feel abandoned by it, swallowed by the pointlessness. They tend to kick the can around in terms of past failures, misfortunes, traumas. They can spin their wheels and throw a pity party me in a while. However, this is typically not their MO.

Aries is very resilient, they bounce back from windfalls pretty quickly and with great vigor. Challenge excites them, it brings out the best in their nature, and you’d be surprised what they can do.

If they have a lot of earth in their chart, oh lord, they will be stubborn. You would have an easier time dragging a mule uphill than getting an Aries to back down or change their mind. Even if the facts are stacked against them, they will not back down.

An Aries sexuality is spontaneous, fiery and passionate. Sex is mental for a great many signs, but Aries is often turned on by sexual organs alone. There is a raw animalistic quality to it, they have stamina for days, and a bright enthusiasm about it. Some Aries like to be dominant, but ironically, since their personalities are already so dominant they actually are rather submissive. Their desires are intense, and they like it rough.

My Mars is in Aries, which is my sexual placement, and every lover I’ve ever had has complained that I want it too much, and I take too long. People with heavy Aries influence are passionate, they have violent and immediate sexual impulses. It’s like being a cat in heat. Elizabeth Taylor (though a Pisces) had Aries in her chart which gave her this sensuous quality. There is something very childlike and pure about their sexuality in a way.

As a cardinal sign, meaning they are initiators, they like to make waves, get a project set in motion… Though they often get bored or abandon things halfway through. Aries affections can turn off suddenly, one day you are in their good graces, one wrong move (usually against their morals or if they are less evolved ego) and they will pull the plug.

Aries can suddenly be done with a relationship if it ceases to challenge them or maintain their interest. Routine relationships will bore the fuck out of Aries. They are generally loyal, if they were to cheat, it would be because their relationship was on the outs for a long time. They will try really hard to court their lover again and again to rekindle the flame… But if that fails then they will move on, often abruptly and in a seemingly insensitive way.

Romantic disillusionment is damaging to an idealist, because it shows them they were wrong about the world. They were wrong about a person. It makes them question themselves deeply. For the most part Aries has a strong sense of identity. Their personalities and their image are bold, they make a statement. People notice them, most especially their eyes, like little dancing lights in their head, full of fascination and powerful focus wherever they direct their full attention.

They have agile bodies, usually stocky in build for males, more compact. Girls are generally on the shorter side, if thin they are lean and athletic, sprightly in their step, and ready for anything. Arian women are like Joan of arc. They have a message, and a mission in life. Aries will speak their truth no matter the opposition.

Aries women can be domineering. If they are less evolved on an emotional level, they can be “mean girls”, or elitist in nature. If they are more evolved, they will be very forgiving and inspiring friends who try to see the good in every one. My first love never once raised his voice to me, never hung up on me, never called me a name, not once. He was noble, and respected women–in spite of being a philanderer. He had a high code of morality in terms of how you talk to people, expectations and etiquette were important to him.

If Aries has a lot of water in their chat, it will make them a bit more shy. They will be more reluctant to let people in, but once they do, the beauty of their playful spirit will start to unfold before your eyes. If they have earth, it will ground them, making them more solid and less verbal. Words mean little to Aries, they want action.

Aries comes up with creative ways to show their affection for others. They love surprises, or something that shows you really notice or pay attention. They are thoughtful creatures when they want to be, yet if their needs are not being met, they can tend to become less aware of others, indulging in their own self destruction.

Aries really don’t mean any harm (in most cases) when their actions hurt someone, they feel deeply guilty about it. I remember telling my ex after holding it inside for a long time, all the actions he had taken that had hurt me. I think he genuinely was not aware of how deeply he was affecting me. When I told him in detail, he let a few silent tears roll from his eyes. I could tell how sorry he was. He didn’t have to say anything. I could see it in his eyes.

Aries can hold grudges. Oh lord can they hold grudges. They privately lose respect for people who cross them, and they are never the same in their mind again, yet they are also capable of deep forgiveness, it just takes them time to get there.

Aries have strong opinions about what they will and will not allow in their space. They can be difficult at times, wanting things to go their way most of the time. They can be a bit selfish in this respect. Compromise is not one of their strong suits.

In my experience, Aries (men especially) are the most likely to discredit astrology. Many I have met hate it, say they don’t identify with it at all.

I’ve had quite a few Aries women who saw me as a threat for some reason or another, and treated me very unkindly in the past. I refuse to stoop to that level, so I don’t entertain it. It’s really a shame, because I liked each and every one of them, yet they found it necessary to be childish.

My acting mentor was an Aries. She was harder on me than anyone else. People often fled her classroom in tears because they could not handle her piercing honesty. She constantly put me under fire in front of the whole class, picking me apart, just being really brutal with me. The truth is: she was invested in me. She knew I could do it, and she was tough love because she knew I needed someone to kick my ass out of being lazy and complacent.

I remember doing a scene in class, and when she gave adjustments afterwards, she stared at me intensely for a long minute. When she finally spoke, I could feel the irritation in her voice. “Trust. Is a word you need to learn. Not just on stage, but in your life.” I fell silent, as did the whole class. She continued: “do you even want to do this with your life?” She proceeded to rip my performance apart mercilessly. I stared at the floor shaking silently, trying to hold bank the tears in my eyes. It was humiliating. I felt so raw. My partner Jamil (who was a Scorpio might I add) even he felt sorry for me and put his hand on my leg in attempts to comfort me. Right as he did so, Gloria raised her voice angrily and shouted: “DON’T touch her. She’s not fragile. Let her do this!”

She dismissed us to our seats. I was still fighting to hold it together. She changed the subject and continued on with her lecture. I shook so violently I lost feeling in my limbs. Finally I could contain it no longer, I burst out: “Gloria!” Tears pouring down my face, contorted with shame and pain. She turned to me, not phased in the least by my distress.

“You remind me of my mother!”Her voice went suddenly soft, with a rich tenderness as she said: “I know baby.” She ran over to me quickly as I rose to my feet and embraced me tightly. I sobbed into the crook of her shoulder and said: “I just want you to be proud of me.” “I am baby, for you breaking through this right now.”

She knew exactly what I needed, pushed all the right buttons to facilitate change in me. This is what an evolved Aries is capable of. I always thought she didn’t like me, but she believed in me. She was hard on me because she knew I was capable of better, and was frustrated with me for not actualizing my full potential. Aries give sound and solid advice. They have zero tolerance for bullshit. If you ever want someone to give it to you straight, Aries and Sag are the impulsive truth tellers.

Aries are facilitators, champions, generals. They are the personification of the ID. The infant, inner child, who shouts into the void: “I am”. They are enterprising, full of new and exciting ideas, always down for an adventure. Laughing at their misfortunes. As Aries Mary Pickford was quoted saying: “this thing called failure, is not the going down but the staying down.”

They are the knights in the crusade, the hopeless romantic at the end of the archway. The partner in crime, the accomplice. They are the best friend on your favorite 90’s show. Dirty feet from climbing trees, they are the fireflies dancing in the open field at night. They are stargazing, witty banter, a screwball comedy from the 3O’s. Bette Davis, Joan Crawford (both Aries), aerial silks, road trips, a puzzle in pieces on the floor. Pyrotechnics, extreme sports, skydiving. Emotive dance, precision, discipline. The power of dominion and purpose.

Aries is a blood red satin, skin exposed, hot summer nights with the windows left wide open. The view from the tallest mountain, the inside of an intricate tree house, they are Peter Pan, tinker bell, searching forever for his shadow as it mocks his every move. They are survivors, playmates. Wild children, the lord of the flies.

They are full force creation, obstinate, stubborn, yet eternally brave. Pewter goblets. Black ribbon zig zagging up your spine, gleaming vinyl. They are bright red lipstick, hair falling into disgruntled eyes, fingernail markings along your back. They are pulling hair, pulling teeth. They are passionate oblivion, reckless abandon. Childlike devotion. Action, adventure.

They are pirates, explorers, divas and kings. The cold steel of an elegant blade, the thrill of hand to hand combat. They are stimulants, the cloud of confrontation. Strong lean muscles, bare skin exposed. They are the last soul standing in defiance. They are the hero.

[byjove-cannibalcove]

I would like to see a sort of phantom-of-the-opera themed fic, where Will works for the opera, not as one of the singers, but in the orchestra pit.

(long stream-of-thought summary of the story below)

Will is a very good player, and the orchestra MOSTLY likes one another, so everything is technically very stable where he stands, better yet that he has no aspirations to first-chair (which is more like being class president than anything, everyone in your section looks to you for queues and to match energy, it isn't actually a rockshow type thing) so technically he is quietly doing his thing. Very talented and stable, but not a magically amazing perfect player. He has earned his place and he doesn't show off.

But there is a newer guy, put into the pit because he’s the nephew of the new theatre owner. He is not amazing. He’s not the WORST either, but he tries to show off when he should be harmonizing, he plays too loud, and his bow transitions aren't as smooth as they could be. It is really only noticeable to the other violin players, the audience isn’t going to pick up on it, so they just grin and bear it.

Not always, but often, there is something like a ball in the front after a show. The rich patrons get to meet the singers, or the orchestra, whatever, and attendance is more or less mandatory. In the latest of these, Will meets Hannibal, who is very new to the area, had always made it a poitn to donate to theatres, but has only come to a few showings so far. Will cant quite fathom why, of EVERYONE at this party, Hannibal would zero-in on the man that most clearly does not want to be there, but fine. 

There is a bit where they shake hands and Hannibal turns Will’s hand over and says ‘i see you are one of the strings’. (technically that's lefthanded, lets say Will was caught off guard and was holding a drink)

Will is surprised, says yes, he’s one of the violins. 

Hannibal seems... pained... Asks if he is new and when Will says he has been here for a few years, Hannibal relaxes.

Will points out that he can tell Hannibal is a chef from the callouses on HIS fingers, and Hannibal is clearly pleased, though he of course corrects him. 

They talk a bit, Hannibal is casually asking about the theatre itself, who works there, the management, the actors, the orchestra. It's a nice conversation, honestly, Hannibal has actual questions and seems to know what he’s asking about, it’s not just mindless ‘i wish I could play an instrument but its too hard, i have a life, unlike you hahah’ type of chatter.

Will to point out the newest member of the strings, jokingly telling him that Hannibal now knows more about the theatre than the owners kid, “too bad YOU don’t play”

Hannibal plays a little, but not violin unfortunately.

The conversation is very mild, and the next weekend he sees Hannibal again, socializing a bit more, but a smile does pass between them at least, Will leaves early i bet after that exact ‘you must have no life outside of violin haha’ joke happens (which is technically true).

It is a complete surprise when, a week or two later, the (many) people who sleep at the theater come downstairs to the body of the new violinist, strung up from the rafters like a marionette, they might not have noticed if not for the pool of blood.

The police naturally are of no help, because this is the 1800s, it basically comes down to asking all the violinists if they had a grudge, getting overly aggressive with a few ,then deciding it was probably more to do with his wealthy father.

The very superstitious people are now acting like anything odd in the theatre must be the ghost of the violinist, and SOME of them think a ghost killed him. Its a lot of nonsense, but they are all artists and theater people so OF COURSE it goes to their heads, they start coming up with more and more dramatic stories, until nearly everyone superstitious (aka nearly everyone) is now in a PANIC over it. Will snaps at a few people over it, but honestly everyone is snapping at everyone so it is hardly noticed.

They are preparing for a new show and one of the dancers trips. It happens occasionally but they all FLIP and start saying she was shoved. A few of the actors are in hysterics over this, one of the singers passes out. They call for the theatre doctor (that was a thing, lots of people there and lots of injuries) (would this be chilton?) he comes, but also comes Hannibal! Will is strangely thrown off by this, he hadn’t really expected to meet him outside of those parties, or possibly ever again. Chilton probably starts condescendingly telling the female performers to all calm down, talks about hysteria, mass panic (which is true) but he's really shitty about it. Hannibal tends to the singer and calms her down, is really sweet and gentle in a way that will clearly have her falling for him. He might say something like ‘even if nothing but their fear is attacking them, yelling at them won't steady their hearts’

Will naturally does not fall for him (not even a little bit, even if he is totally charmed and okay maybe he fell a LITTLE) but he is invited for dinner at Hannibal's somehow and rides in a carriage with him and possibly even helps make dinner, i dont know. Hannibal maybe hasnt hired a maid yet and said his house is lonely.

They probably do NOT kiss, because 1800s, but that atmosphere is THICK

More accidents are happening at the opera because of panic and the fucking owner tells the audience they are haunted (either sincerely, in a ‘forgive us if it isn’t perfect tonight’ or a ‘isnt this exciting?’ way. Probably the first since his sons dead). This panics the backstage people MORE, the dancers tumble, the singers miss notes, its a MESS, Will cant help but laugh at it. (secretly, in the audience, Hannibal is amused too, he had not expected this performance to go well after all, and it was more a comedy story anyways)

Hey guess who is one of the set designers? Hobb! Hey did you know his daughter was the singer that passed out earlier? 

Do you wonder if Hobbs would kill a few of the other singers to move her up the hierarchy a little bit, disguising it as either a ghost or the original killer? I am 100% sure he would do that, actually, but that's just me.

(Abigail is  “little angel of music that could” but actually she isn’t nearly good enough to be top-billing, but TOO BAD Hobbs is going to kill his way up the ranking anyways. Lots of the workers are going to quit, but nope, he’s just-a-killin’ left and right, she’s going to be a STAR)

Will is subtly investigating these murders because it ISN’T A GOD DAMNED GHOST and possibly even getting Hannibal (who he is definitely in love with but won't let himself touch because Laws) to help him out on occasion. Will notices the pattern of Abigail always moving up, but technically it could be any one of a couple lower-ranking girls, he only notices Abigail really because it happens TWICE and her dad works there and doesn't seem worried for her.

He tells Hannibal, since he isn’t sure what to do with this since its basically just a feeling and the police probably won't listen (lets say he has a reputation as a weirdo or something, or some past scandal he doesn't want anyone looking into (gay? crimes? asylums? witch? Who knows, all, neither, Will wouldn't do well in the 1800s, he doesn't even do well in 2010)) so it basically comes down to confronting him directly and scaring him off. He takes hannibal with him.

It does not go well.

Betcha Mr Hobbs tries to kill Will

Betcha Will fights him off

Betcha Hobbs runs STRAIGHT for his daughter onstage

GUARANTEE he slits her throat,  because she is doomed to have this happen in every universe

Will does not shoot (why would he have a gun at his violin job) but probably beats him half to death, while Hannibal holds Abigail's throat closed

They both end up covered in blood ON STAGE (this is a rehearsal, which is why Will isn’t in the pit right now) and everyone sees it. 

Somehow everyone STILL ends up deciding that the phantom in the opera house had possessed Hobbs, somehow, because no right-minded man would ever try to kill his daughter.

Probably you cant survive a throat slitting in 1800s, but she does anyways, because Hannibal.

Hobbs is arrested, but largely for the sake of asylums and exorcisms or something, he’s alive and will probably see his daughter fairly often when she visits him, but she cant sing anymore so she might be demoted to set work (not HIS job but like... heavy hard work girls wouldnt usually do, because the other innocent set guy doesnt want her ending up on the street. she takes to the job well and will always have a croaky voice)

Probably Will goes home with Hannibal Abigail is stable, presumably because they are ‘both’ stressed and in need of comfort. They bath, seperately, but they end up in front of the fire less put-together than usual, comfortable clothes, and Will cant help peaking at Hannibal, trying to be subtle. Maybe Hannibal is like ‘maybe its not the best time to show you, but i bought you a gift’

Its a new and VERY fine violin, to replace his aging one, and WIll plays music for Hannibal, glad to find his shaking fingers steady on the strings, like they always do. 

Id like it if somehow they could dance, but i guess its not really workable. They definitely kiss, but Will pulls away from it and they go to bed separately.

Soon enough things wind down enough for Will to learn about murders happening OUTSIDE the theater, in other parts of town, and he will actually end up finally talking to Hannibal about his feelings. Hannibal is unrepentant, which Will takes to be because Hannibal is foreign. They kiss, and after several more dinners and things at the theatre calming down, these two FINALLY have sex, that whole deal, being 100% for-sure illegally in love.

 and just as suddenly, Will figure out that Hannibal is the RIpper

Will probably goes to visit Hobbs, to ask why Hobbs thought killing was worthwhile, but its so COMPLETELY not why Hannibal kills that it actually puts Hannibal into perspective for him

Will probably tries to tell the police that Hannibal is a killer. They dont believe him. Will outright tells Hannibal that he had tried to turn him in but it didnt work. Things are tense, but Will eats the meat and then they PROBABLY end up having rough+tender ‘i know you are a murderer’ vs ‘im a murderer who loves you, and to the police that love is the worse crime’ sex, because im trash

Let's then have a VERY public arrest of Will for (pick your fav, past or vague gay actions, general witchiness, insanity, being born in to a cult under a different name, i dont care, pick your poison) , which they caught after someone at the station recognizing him from SOMEWHERE but it took a few days for them to be sure from where. He’s arrested and of course put into the same asylum as Hobbs. They probably never even cross paths, but it doesnt matter, Will knows that they are in the same place for wildly different reasons, but in the end its all the same to the powers-that-be

Have Hannibal somehow save Will, possibly by already working at, coming to visiting, applying to work at that asylum himself, or maybe taking him out on ‘a walk’ and actually bringing him to a waiting carriage and running away.

Either way EVENTUALLY Hannibal manages to spring him, they run away together, both their own type of criminal, and it more or less ends on Will, very unhappily, deciding that if his life is a crime ANYWAYS, if his love for someone can have him sent to the same punishment, he might as well eat people, because fuck it. 

Uhh, but more angsty and poetic, he IS an artist after all.

[theworstbob]

every grammy for record of the year settled

another installment of what is slowly becoming a series of me pointing at things i’m mostly okay with and making simple jokes instead of writing actual things. i have six rough drafts of fictional shorts i said i wanted to post by the end of january and now its february 11th and fuck, dude, but this is so much easier!

1959 "Catch a Falling Star," by Perry Como "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)," by David Seville "Fever," by Peggy Lee "Witchcraft," by Frank Sinatra WINNER: "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare)," by Domenico Modugno

This field actually sets the tone for all the future Grammy categories to come. There's 2 songs that are really fucking good, there's one person who's here because they have a reputation as a person who is popular, there's some fucking awful bullshit that we're only going to remember in five years because it's, y'know, fucking awful bullshit, and then the winner is some obscure nonsense that sort of renders the whole operation moot, like if in 2007 the Oscar for Best Picture went to Chumscrubber, or if the Falcons won the Super Bowl. Peggy Lee/Frank Sinatra : Beyonce/Rihanna+Drake :: Perry Como : Adele, David Seville : Lukas Graham :: Domenico Modugno : twenty one pilots.

Yeah the winner is "Fever." I'm not looking to re-invent the wheel here, the best song of these five is "Fever," like are you kidding me, "Fever." "Fever," guys. "Catch a Falling Star" is a relic of an era where all we wanted from male pop stars was for them to be a gentle father in a sweater to say he's proud of us, "Witchcraft" goes but its only failure is that it's not "Fever," hahaha they actually thought "The Chipmunk Song" would stand the test of time, and "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare)?" Fuck outta here, "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare)." I have nothing to say to you. What are you? I don't care. You're not "Fever." Also I immediately regret this exercise because now I'm just angry I'm alive in era where songs don't have horn sections. Someone give me a big band cover of "Closer." Yeah I know Postmodern Jukebox did "Closer" BUT THEY DIDN'T DO IT THE WAY I WANTED. DO IT AGAIN.

TRUE ENDING: "Fever"

1960 "A Fool Such as I," by Elvis Presley "High Hopes," by Frank Sinatra "Like Young," by Andre Previn "The Three Bells," by The Browns WINNER: "Mack the Knife," by Bobby Darin

Im going to give Andre Previn a shitton of extra credit here for apparently naming his album Secret Songs for Young Lovers, which is a simply killer album title. Like I think only Mitski's Bury Me at Makeout Creek can stand up to that title. I'm also giving it extra credit for being an instrumental, that's just refreshing. It still only adds up to a strong second, I'm not here to be contrarian (yet), they got it right, but yo, Andre Previn! You seem chill.

TRUE ENDING: "Mack the Knife"

1961 "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" by Elvis Presley "Georgia on My Mind," by Ray Charles "Mack the Knife," by Ella Fitzgerald "Nice 'n Easy," by Frank Sinatra WINNER: "Theme from A Summer Place," by Percy Faith

Hey! Black people! I legitimately was worried we wouldn't see them for another few years, but hey, they got an early invite (relative to American history)! I like that "Mack the Knife" was nominated again. It makes me wish that, last year, both Tay Tay's "Blank Space" and the indie dudebro's "Blank Space" cover had been nominated simultaneously. When you type "Georgia on My Mind" into the YouTube search bar, suggested searches include "Ludacris," "Willie Nelson," and "Michael Buble," and that is one person away from being a party I'd like to attend. I really want to give this to "Mack the Knife" again because I think that'd be funny, and I, an ignoramus, shouted "YO THIS IS THAT SONG?" the second I heard "Theme from A Summer Place," I've heard that used as a music cue in a billion comedies, that song is iconic, but the winner is "Georgia on My Mind." That song won an Oscar for Jamie Foxx.

TRUE ENDING: "Georgia on My Mind"

1962 "Big Bad John," by Jimmy Dean "The Second Time Around," by Frank Sinatra "Take Five," by The Dave Brubeck Quartet "(Up a) Lazy River," by Si Zentner WINNER: "Moon River," by Henry Mancini

"Big Bad John" just makes me angry that country music used to feel legit and dangerous, and nowadays Brantley Gilbert thinks he's an outlaw because he has a tattoo honoring the 2nd Amendment (a law). I promised myself I wouldn't turn any one part of this into an extended treatise on bro country, but it's not extended if I keep it to two sentences, however compounded they may be! Anyhoo. These are five decidedly not-unpleasant songs by five white dudes. I understand I'm making an assumption about Si Zentner here, but it's 1962. People were still wearing hats in this season of Mad Men, I think it's a safe assumption. I think. I dunno. I think? Yeah, fuck it, "Take Five," that had a pretty boss drum section. Imagine listening to every song made in 1961 and thinking, "Yes. These. I love these five songs." "Stand By Me" was the biggest hit of the year. "Runaway" was number two, I'm pretty sure that was a banger, and if not at least it couldn't be worse than these five. "Hit the Road Jack." "Crying." "Shop Around." "Crazy." Hey guys I just made a hot discovery, I think solely using the Grammy nominees for Record of the Year does not an accurate snapshot of music history provide.

TRUE ENDING: It doesn't matter because it can't be "Stand By Me," but "Take Five" I guess

1963 "Desafinado," by Stan Getz & Charlie Byrd "Fly Me to the Moon Bossa Nova," by Joe Harnell and His Orchestra "I Can't Stop Loving You," by Ray Charles "What Kind of Fool Am I?" by Sammy Davis Jr. WINNER: "I Left My Heart in San Francisco," by Tony Bennett

You can pick up some interesting tidbits from music history, though, such as the fact conductors would have "and their orchestra" in their name. I'd be so much more okay with the state of things, as they are, if The Chainsmokers would start going by The Chainsmokers and Their Soundboard. I don't mean to impugn The Chainsmokers' ability as songwriters, I'd listen to "Closer" a million times before I gave any of these songs another spin, I would just prefer more accuracy in my song attribution. Also the extra credit "Like Young" got for being an instrumental is waning. I could have listened to "Run Up" five times. That's what I could have done with these twenty minutes. ...At least they didn't nominate "The Monster Mash." It wouldn't have been without precedent! They could have nominated "The Monster Mash." No matter how bad it is, it can always get worse.

TRUE ENDING: "I Can't Stop Loving You"

1964 "Dominique," by The Singing Nun "Happy Days Are Here Again," by Barbra Streisand "I Wanna Be Around," by Tony Bennett "Wives and Lovers," by Jack Jones WINNER: "Days of Wine and Roses," by Henry Mancini

when do the 1960s get to the seasons of mad men with stan in them. oh okay hi there "wives and lovers" aren't you horrible. what a blast from the past you are. why am i doing this. fuck it.

TRUE ENDING: "Dominique"

1965 "Downtown," by Petula Clark "Hello, Dolly!" by Louis Armstrong "I Want to Hold Your Hand," by The Beatles "People," by Barbra Streisand WINNER: "The Girl from Ipanema," by Astrud Gilberto & Stan Getz

HERE. WE. FUCKING. GO. Holy shit. Up-tempo music! Songs I wouldn't only ever listen to in hotel lobbies, that aren't all the exact same ballad! What good fortune! We can actually have a fun debate over which of these songs was actually the best! Sort of. I mean. Just in terms of cultural impact, it's "I Want to Hold Your Hand." I wouldn't dare argue that "I Want to Hold Your Hand" isn't a historically significant song. But "Downtown" is just a nice song about going to the city and seeing a moviefilm, "Hello, Dolly!" is just a wonderful little ditty which brings to mind Freakazoid, "People," erm, and "The Girl from Ipanema" is about as surreal as it gets when you're talking about Record of the Year nominees. And we're not talking about cultural impact, y'know? (At least for now, this is gonna go all over the place.) We're talking about my shitty opinion which, here, overlaps with that of the Grammys in this instance. "The Girl from Ipanema" is dope.

TRUE ENDING: "The Girl from Ipanema"

1966 "Yesterday," by The Beatles "The 'In' Crowd," by The Ramsey Lewis Trio "King of the Road," by Roger Miller "The Shadow of Your Smile," by Tony Bennett WINNER: "A Taste of Honey," by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass

It sounds like taking the easy way out to pick what is widely recognized as the best song ever made by what is widely recognized as the best rock band of all time, but. Um. It's really hard to argue for the other four songs here. You could, in a vacuum, almost make an argument for "The 'In' Crowd?" But I'm at the point in this project where I am completely okay with the idea of never hearing a jazz instrumental ever again. Also I regret being mean to Barbra Streisand the last two years, you're right, those jokes were unair, she's a national treasure and I miss the days when true theatre kids could score Record of the Year noms. The only representation theatre kids get in pop music these days is Tay Tay, and that's disappointing. Anyhoo, yeah, fucking "Yesterday." Whatever.

TRUE ENDING: "Yesterday"

1967 "Almost Persuaded," by David Houston "Monday, Monday," by The Mamas & the Papas "What Now My Love," by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass "Winchester Cathedral," by The New Vaudeville Band WINNER: "Strangers in the Night," by Frank Sinatra

One positive from this experience is that all the Mario Maker videos that YouTube had been recommending to me for months are being replaced with songs from the '60s YouTube thinks I might enjoy. Lemme talk about my YouTube recommendations window for a hot second because it’s gone through some shit to get me to watch Mario Maker content. There was a chain. Like, carlsagan42, I could understand, I'd watched AGDQ VODs that featured him, YouTube knew I liked speedrunning and Let's Plays of Mario Maker, here's this guy. And GrandPooBear, that was fair, he was in AGDQ, he seemed like a chill dude, it made sense I would enjoy him, too. But now it's recommending just random dudes to me. "Here's a white dude with a beard playing carlsagan's troll level!" Alright, I guess I fuck with him, he seems chill. "Hey! We found this white dude with a beard playing that white dude with a beard's troll level!" Wh - okay, this is, why is his display name Japanese, I don't, why are y "Here's a dude who just plays troll levels!" GREAT, WHY. WHY DID HE MAKE A CAREER OF DOING THAT. These songs are uninspiring, is what I'm saying. In 1966, notable releases (according to Wikipedia so who actually knows but I'ma go with it) include "The Sound of Silence," "Uptight (Everything's Alright)," "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'," "When a Man Loves a Woman," "Paint it Black," "You Can't Hurry Love," "It's a Man's Man's Man's World," "I Got You (I Feel Good)," "Good Vibrations," "I'm a Believer," and "You Keep Me Hanging On." "Ain't Too Proud to Beg." "God Only Knows!" I listened to "Winchester Cathedral." None of these songs deserve any recognition.

TRUE ENDING: i mean "Monday, Monday" but legit who could find it in them to care

1968 "By the Time I Get to Phoenix," by Glen Campbell "My Cup Runneth Over," by Ed Ames "Ode to Billie Joe," by Bobbie Gentry "Somethin' Stupid," by Nancy Sinatra & Frank Sinatra WINNER: "Up, Up and Away," by The 5th Dimension

R E S P-E C T No but like legit there was one year where it sounded like the Grammys were finally over the '50s. Ah, but no! No. ...The world had "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" in 1967. Fucking, a version of "Try a Little Tenderness" dropped in 1967. AND THEY HAD "MY CUP RUNNETH OVER." I AM APPALLED. I AM AGHAST. THIS I -- man, fuck this awards show in particular. I'm giving this to "Ode to Billie Joe" because it's the only song of this bunch I feel I'm being unfair to by bringing up better songs. That song holds its own. It's dark, it's grim, it fucks you up in all the right ways. It's the rare song that feels dated because it's so far ahead of its genre's current game. And I guess I'm down with "Up, Up and Away," too, sure, yeah, whatever, I'm down for a nice song about balloon rides. Everything else, tho. Especially "Somethin' Stupid." Wow. That sure is a thing that happened. That sure is a thing multiple people thought was a great idea! My stars.

TRUE ENDING: "Ode to Billie Joe"

1969 "Harper Valley PTA," by Jeannie C. Riley "Hey Jude," by The Beatles "Honey," by Bobby Goldsboro "Wichita Lineman," by Glen Campbell WINNER: "Mrs. Robinson," by Simon & Garfunkel

In back-to-back years, country songs performed by women were nominated for Record of the Year and subsequently adopted into feature-length films. Country music used to own, is the primary takeaway from this exercise so far. Anyhoo. I'm not gonna judge these nominees by what they could have been, because it's not necessarily these songs' fault they're not the songs that actually define this era of American history. They're nice, safe songs, and it's totally understandable why a committee wouldn't disagree with making these the five songs they wanted to present to an increasingly discomfited public for their good-time parade of nice-seeming celebrity. I don't know why I expected an awards show to lead any kind of movement in the late 1960s, it's not their job now and it certainly wasn't then, but I thought I'd at least be getting jams from the past. I got the worst Beatles song and "My Cup Runneth Over."

TRUE ENDING: "Harper Valley PTA"

1970 "A Boy Named Sue," by Johnny Cash "Is That All There Is?" by Peggy Lee "A Time for Us," by Henry Mancini "Spinning Wheel," by Blood, Sweat & Tears WINNER: "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In," by The 5th Dimension

Well, this is the least disappointing batch of nominees in years! These songs are more than unobjectionable. "A Boy Named Sue" and "Is That All There Is?" and "Aquarius" are all unimpeachable. Picking one of those three is rough, but honestly I'm just stoked to have a hard choice to make. ...I almost want to go with "A Boy Named Sue" just so I don't have to agree with the Grammys after slagging on them so much, but like "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In." Like, I have a vision of what the 1970s sounded like, and I just typed I had a vision of what something sounded like and I need to like take a walk or drink a water or something. Take a moment, take a breath, come back stronger.

TRUE ENDING: "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In"

1971

"(They Long to Be) Close to You," by The Carpenters "Everything is Beautiful," by Ray Stevens "Fire and Rain," by James Taylor "Let It Be," by The Beatles WINNER: "Bridge Over Troubled Water," by Simon & Garfunkel

...OK I'm not into any of these so let's just list other notable songs that were likely released in 1970. "ABC." "Big Yellow Taxi." "Black Magic Woman." "Express Yourself." "Get Up (I Feel Like Being a) Sex Machine." "I WANT YOU BACK." They nominated a song which explicitly states that everything is beautiful and ignored the song which provides IRREFUTABLE FUCKING PROOF the world is beautiful. We're not done. "Lola." "The Letter." "Paranoid." "SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED I'M YOURS." NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. ONLY THE GREATEST FUCKING SONG OF ALL TIME. THAT HAS NO PLACE IN THE GRAMMYS! WHY SHOULD IT? THERE'S TOO MANY BALLADS IN THE WORLD FOR US TO PAY "SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED I'M YOURS" ANY MIND. Shit. I dunno. How could I possibly know.

TRUE ENDING: "(They Long to Be) Close to You"

1972 "Joy to the World," by Three Dog Night "My Sweet Lord," by George Harrison "Theme from Shaft," by Isaac Hayes "You've Got a Friend," by James Taylor WINNER: "It's Too Late," by Carole King

OH HELL YES. I can get behind this field, which is to say: I am getting behind the theme from Shaft. "Joy to the World" is lovably loony, I'm not about to speak ill of Carole King, "My Sweet Lord" is about as good a song like that as you're ever gonna find, but Shaft. Shaft, y'all.

TRUE ENDING: "Theme from Shaft"

1973 "Alone Again (Naturally)," by Gilbert O'Sullivan "American Pie," by Don McLean "Song Sung Blue," by Neil Diamond "Without You," by Harry Nilsson WINNER: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," by Roberta Flack

"Superstition." I honestly don't get what Kanye hopes to accomplish by boycotting the Grammys when the Grammys couldn't give "Signed, Sealed Delivered I'm Yours" or "Superstition" their due. What even was that Gilbert O'Sullivan nonsense. Criminy. This is, this is just who they are, y'know? Neil Diamond sings the blues. That most iconic blues performer, Neil Diamond. They get no points for giving the trophy to Roberta Flack. Roberta Flack is something we can all agree on, you don't get a PhD in astronomy for pointing at the sun and saying "that's a bright ol' star!" and you don't get credence as a song-recognizing function for recognizing Roberta Flack made a good song.

TRUE ENDING: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face"

1974 "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown," by Jim Croce "Behind Closed Doors," by Charlie Rich "You Are the Sunshine of My Life," by Stevie Wonder "You're So Vain," by Carly Simon WINNER: "Killing Me Softly with His Song," by Roberta Flack

I. I don't WANT to agree with this terrible program twice in a row. I'm glad to see Stevie eventually got a make-up nom, but I don't really feel that song too deeply (at least, judged against the rest of his catalogue; this would be the best song Gilbert O'Sullivan ever made by a country-ass mile), and no that doesn't make any sense but I've listened to 16 years' worth of songs the Grammys think are good, I'm not in a good place right now. I could easily say "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" takes it, it's a great song, it wouldn't be that b -- but "Killing Me Softly with His Song," though! Am I sort of giving it the nod because of The Fugees' version? Yes, but, see, The Fugees' version doesn't get nominated, so.

TRUE ENDING: "Killing Me Softly with His Song"

1975 "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me," by Elton John "Feel Like Makin' Love," by Roberta Flack "Help Me," by Joni Mitchell "Midnight at the Oasis," by Maria Muldaur WINNER: "I Honestly Love You," by Olivia Newton-John

...I mean. I sort of decided to make Roberta Flack a hero today after spending a lifetime not thinking of her that often? But I spent the entire 1960s listening to jazz compositions and friendly dads giving me life advice. "Feel Like Makin' Love" is, when considering the scale of this project, like breathing in skunkless country air after a lifetime in the city. Which isn't to say "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" isn't the class of the pop sub-genre Songs Clay Aiken Can Capably Perform, or that "Help Me" isn't a jam. Just, Roberta Flack made three nice songs, and that makes this project worth pursuing somehow, no matter how many times I have to listen to blondes whisper about how much they love someone.

TRUE ENDING: "Feel Like Makin' Love"

1976 "At Seventeen," by Janis Ian "Lyin' Eyes," by Eagles "Mandy," by Barry Manilow "Rhinestone Cowboy," by Glen Campbell WINNER: "Love Will Keep Us Together," by Captain & Tennille

the best song i heard in this batch was the five seconds of rock guitar in the miller lite ad that presaged "rhinestone cowboy." i mean, on its own, "rhinestone cowboy" would have been the true ending, but that five seconds of guitar the youtube advertising algorithm attached to the beginning pushed it over the top.

TRUE ENDING: "Rhinestone Cowboy"

1977 "Afternoon Delight," by Starland Vocal Band "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," by Paul Simon "I Write the Songs," by Barry Manilow "If You Leave Me Now," by Chicago WINNER: "This Masquerade," by George Benson

...So, it's been a while, right, since we complained that what was presented to us isn't what it could've been? But since a clear novelty song about bangin' when the sun's out was given a nod, let's see what else 1976 had to offer. Hm, well, the two biggest hits of the year were "Dancing Queen" and "Bohemian Rhapsody." Those aren't too egregious, assuming your standard for egregious is "Signed, Sealed Delivered I'm Yours." Which is to say, if you're dead inside, those aren't notable omissions. "Baby, I Love Your Way" is as basic as anything in this field, but I think people remember that as an Actually Good song, so I'ma bring that up. "I Wish!" "The Rubberband Man" is the best song about a fat man playing his body as an instrument you're ever like to hear. "Squeeze Box" was the centerpoint of one of the better Freaks & Geeks scenes. I'm listening to "I Write the Songs." Everyone who thinks the past is better is wrong. "I Write the Songs” is a less self-aware version of "7 Years." "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" is acceptable, I guess. It was compelling, and it grabbed my attention. I think "This Masquerade" had its moments, but "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" had me. I dunno. I think it's just bad that I, a music history simpleton, could come up with a viable ROTY field with like half a minute of looking at Wikipedia. Hell, I'm gonna go ahead and be super unfair and judge the Grammys for not seeing into the future and seeing all the dope tweets about "The Boys Are Back in Town."

TRUE ENDING: "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"

1978 "Blue Bayou," by Linda Rondstadt "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue," by Crystal Gayle "Evergreen (Love Theme from A Star Is Born)," by Barbra Streisand "You Light Up My Life," by Debby Boone WINNER: "Hotel California," by Eagles

I'm going to give this year props for featuring four songs performed by women in the ROTY field. Remember my alt-nominee field from last year? The only women in that field were in ABBA. So at least the Grammys got this right, ignore the racial composition of this field DON'T THINK TOO HARD ABOUT IT, and then it would be until 1999 that the Grammys would have another year with a 4:1 female:male ratio in this category. Anyway, "Blue Bayou." If that surprises you, you haven't been paying attention.

TRUE ENDING: "Blue Bayou"

1979 "Baker Street," by Gerry Rafferty "Feels So Good," by Chuck Mangione "Stayin' Alive," by Bee Gees "You Needed Me," by Anne Murray WINNER: "Just the Way You Are," by Billy Joel

...i thought we were done with jazz instrumentals. another fool am i. Anyway fuck everything in this world that isn't the sax solo in "Baker Street" for not being the sax solo in "Baker Street." See that song is basically a jazz instrumental, but,,, the sax solo in "Baker Street" is maybe the greatest thing that's ever been? Also let's just note how the first disco song nominated for Record of the Year is by three white dudes. Dope. History is cool. But at least we have the sax solo from "Baker Street" to keep us warm.

TRUE ENDING: "Baker Street"

1980 "After the Love Has Gone," by Earth, Wind and Fire "I Will Survive," by Gloria Gaynor "The Gambler," by Kenny Rogers "You Don't Bring Me Flowers," by Barbra Streisand & Neil Diamond WINNER: "What a Fool Believes," by The Doobie Brothers

listen, i took some time off to do other things, and then i woke up at two am this morning and said, "let's continue this fool's errand!" and i made it through a few years and now it's two hours later and i am interesting in selecting the INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS CHOICE and moving on

TRUE ENDING: "I Will Survive"

1981 "The Rose," by Bette Midler "Lady," by Kenny Rogers "Theme from New York, New York," by Frank Sinatra "Woman in Love," by Barbra Streisand WINNER: "Sailing," by Christopher Cross

woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow. um. i mean, 1980 isn't a particularly inspiring year? but got.DAMN this field is so bad "escape (the pina colada song)" has a viable claim to snub status. how did this awards show survive? how did we never do better than this? are we just committed to not being into the american music awards?

TRUE ENDING: "Woman in Love"

1982 "Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)," by Christopher Cross "(Just Like) Starting Over," by John Lennon "Endless Love," by Diana Ross & Lionel Richie "Just the Two of Us," by Grover Washington, Jr. with Bill Withers "Bette Davis Eyes," by Kim Carnes

I've listened to two Christopher Cross songs and "Endless Love" before having any coffee, which was a mistake. We're at this weird point in history where my unearned nostalgia doesn't exist because I'm pretty sure the '80s were mostly terrible, and the Grammys aren't 1981 bad because I get a chance to shout out Bill Withers (which I'm sure he totally appreciates, this sort of seems like something that wouldn't insult his very being, is some asshat pointing out how great he is in a whole entire piece where nothing of substance is ever said), but they're still really fuckin' bad. Also ignore what I said about the '80s being terrible because fuckin' "9 to 5" was dropped this year, as was "Don't Stop Believin'!" They selected John Lennon's best Queen impression. Dead Kennedys released a song called "Nazi Punks Fuck Off!" in 1981. That classic is, somehow, timeless.

TRUE ENDING: "Just the Two of Us"

1983 "Steppin' Out," by Joe Jackson "Ebony and Ivory," by Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder "Always on My Mind," by Willie Nelson "Chariots of Fire," by Vangelis WINNER: "Rosanna," by Toto

As alluded to above, I am a card-carrying member of something I guess I have to call Poo Nation. (There is no card, regrettably.) I'd have to check the rules, but I am pretty sure I'm not allowed to besmirch the good name of Toto, even if the song in question is not "Africa." I think "Steppin' Out" might've been a good true ending in an alternate universe, and it's hard to deny "Chariots of Fire" is legendary (if anything has to be the last instrumental I hear while doing this, I'm glad it was that), but I'm not tryna incur anyone's wrath here. Also, hey, here's Stevie Wonder and Willie Nelson, getting makeup nods for lesser tracks. "Ebony and Ivory," that's just a more prestigious version of "Accidental Racist." No one should feel good about that song. But the first six seconds of Rosanna, that's a sort of "pinnacle of human achievement" thing, that's something we should put in a museum.

TRUE ENDING: "Rosanna"

1984 "Flashdance... What a Feeling," by Irene Cara "Every Breath You Take," by The Police "All Night Long (All Night)," by Lionel Richie "Maniac," by Michael Sembello WINNER: "Beat It!" by Michael Jackson

Wh... What is this? What just happened? A whole five songs I've listened to outside the context of this project? Songs which all still endure to this day? A winner that could actually stake a claim as the most iconic song of 1983? The Grammys! It's like you just took off your glasses and did your hair all fancy and showed up to prom, and I'm just like, oh shit, the theatre dork was actually hot all along! Did we find it? Did we find the turning point? Did Flashdance provide the turning point? Is that the movie musical you guys watched and thought, "Oh shit, this music actually kind of goes, I think we oughta get with the times?" /looks at the next year/ IT IS! Bless you, Flashdance. Bless this change you provoked in the Grammys. I'm not about to do something silly like not pick "Beat It!" but I will at least acknowledge that you are phenomenal and were the true spark that ignited the Grammys and also no one involved in your production ever fucked any kids, probably.

TRUE ENDING: "Beat It!"

1985 "Hard Habit to Break," by Chicago "Girls Just Want to Have Fun," by Cyndi Lauper "The Heart of Rock 'n Roll," by Huey Lewis and the News "Dancing in the Dark," by Bruce Springsteen WINNER: "What's Love Got to Do with It," by Tina Turner

hm. it's such a tight field we have here. not a one clear standout in this bunch. i don't know. this is a tough choice. i'm sure glad i wasn't a voting member in 1985. imagine seeing the choice laid before you and slowly having the impossibility of the task ahead dawn on you. what a daunting prospect. (tell ya what tho, "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" is a strong-as-hell second place, and "Dancing in the Dark" is possibly the strongest bronze.)

TRUE ENDING: "What's Love Got to Do with It," by Tina Turner

1986 "Money for Nothing," by Dire Straits "The Boys of Summer," by Don Henley "The Power of Love," by Huey Lewis & the News "Born in the U.S.A.," by Bruce Springsteen WINNER: "We Are the World," by USA for Africa

oh praise ra i actually get to break from the grammys So I think "The Power of Love" is solid, I think it'd be hard to find someone who'd say they have any sort of disagreement with this sound. "Born in the U.S.A." is similarly a classic. I love how The Other Side keeps trying to repurpose it as a rousing anthem for them when it is an absolutely scathing indictment of what has become of the American working class. It's such a self-own, playing this song at Republican conventions, and I love it every time it happens. You think they'd have learned how to process subtlety by now! But: I am not attached to "Born in the U.S.A." too deeply beyond that. As an emokid straight outta the mid-aughts (hey there goes my claim to any valid political opinion! later, bro!), have a special connection to "Boys of Summer," tho. Is Don Henley's version The Ataris' version? No. It is not. But we set the precedent in the Roberta Flack threepeat that, even though this is Record of the Year, we will recognize the power of the composition. We also must acknowledge that "Money for Nothing" is the absolute fucking worst.

TRUE ENDING: "The Boys of Summer"

1987 "Sledgehammer," by Peter Gabriel "Greatest Love of All," by Whitney Houston "Addicted to Love," by Robert Palmer "That's What Friends Are For," by Dionne Warwick & Friends WINNER: "Higher Love," by Steve Winwood

One other notable change, apart from the fact the songs are now actual songs that I can imagine people casually listening to in the era in which they were released: these songs are fucking long. You go back to the first Grammys, I don't think any songs lasted past 3:15, and now we have "Sledgehammer," which lasts five minutes. All the songs from the 1986 field were five minutes long. It sort of feels like we've trimmed the excess in our modern era, because my reaction to all these songs is, "Alright, I'm feeling this one! I am grooving! ...Okay, I've grooved. I've felt it. You can go now. No, you can g -- oh, more? OK, cool, I guess that's cool." Except "Addicted to Love." That's a positively breezy four minutes, and it holds the attention the entire time. It's slightly leery? It's kind of "Blurred Lines"y? But it's not overtly gross that it's unworthy of celebration!

TRUE ENDING: "Addicted to Love"

1988 "La Bamba," by Los Lobos "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," by U2 "Luka," by Suzanne Vega "Back in the High Life Again," by Steve Winwood WINNER: "Graceland," by Paul Simon

...Yeah, fuck it, "La Bamba," I don't like that the choice I have to make is a cover of a '50s hit, but HASHTAG GRAMMYS, amirite. Time to look at Wikipedia because the Grammys have displeased me! ...OK, so there's "I Wanna Dance with Somebody." "Alone" has been a stable of reality singing competitions for thirty years, now! "Bad" woulda been acceptable. "Don't Dream It's Over" may not be the most notable tune in the world, but unlike eventual champion "La Bamba," it was made in 1987. "UM "FAITH" HOW ABOUT?! "The Final Countdown" is listed as a 1987 single and I get why it wouldn't get ROTY love but I would be remiss not to point out its presence on the list. Who doen't love "(I Just) Died in Your Arms?" LL Cool J coulda gotten some hype, I'm not gonna pretend to be familiar with '80s rap but that's a name I know. "Need You Tonight" got INXS a reality show 20 years later. WHAT THE FUCK YOU COULD'VE EASILY REPLACED "LA BAMBA" WITH "RHYTHM IS GONNA GET YOU." "Welcome to the Jungle" is a metal song, sure, but you're gonna tell me that's less influential than "Graceland?" Also I changed my mind because I forgot how fucking good "Luka" is.

TRUE ENDING: "Luka."

1989 "Giving You the Best That I Got," by Anita Baker "Fast Car," by Tracy Chapman "Man in the Mirror," by Michael Jackson "Roll with It," by Steve Winwood WINNER: "Don't Worry, Be Happy," by Bobby McFerrin

I commend "Don't Worry, By Happy" for laying the foundation for maybe the greatest Key & Peele sketch, and I'm loathe to pick two unrelentingly sad songs about good people in awful situations in a row, but, like, "Fast Car." "Fast Car," y'all.

TRUE ENDING: "Fast Car"

1990 "The End of the Innocence," by Don Henley "She Drives Me Crazy," by Fine Young Cannibals "We Didn't Start the Fire," by Billy Joel "The Living Years," by Mike + the Mechanics WINNER: "Wind Beneath My Wings," by Bette Midler

So apparently the two things I liked about the 1980s are the kitschy one-hit-wonder-y singles that are completely of their times, and the songs about horrifying tragedies. But y'know what at least those were closer to the vision of '80s music I had in my head than the options from the '70s were to ‘70s music. I don't know if that sentence makes sense. I've listened to a lot of bad and/or trashy music. For no reason. When was the last time I asked why I was doing this? I would like to ask that question again: why am I doing this

TRUE ENDING: "She Drives Me Crazy"

1991 "Vision of Love," by Mariah Carey "U Can't Touch This," by MC Hammer "From a Distance," by Bette Midler "Nothing Compares 2 U," by Sinead O'Connor WINNER: "Another Day in Paradise," by Phil Collins

MC Hammer has more ROTY nominations as a performer than Prince. The first rap song ever nominated for ROTY was "U Can't Touch This." MC Hammer was the first rapper to earn a ROTY nomination. ...You're right, this isn't fair, MC Hammer apparently built himself, and the distinction easily could've gone to MC Skat Kat. That's the motto: no matter how bad, it could always be worse. TRUE ENDING: "Vision of Love"

1992 "(Everything I Do) I Do it for You," by Bryan Adams "Baby Baby," by Amy Grant "Something to Talk About," by Bonnie Raitt "Losing My Religion," by R.E.M. WINNER: "Unforgettable," by Natalie Cole w/Nat King Cole

I am 100% convinced "Unforgettable" only won because the Grammys were completely in love with the fact Natalie Cole and Nat King Cole performed together. "Look!" they said, laughing and clapping. "Their names are of similar mouthsound! Delightful!" Anyway, instead of the idiosyncratic rock song, we're going with the country song about doin' it.

TRUE ENDING: "Something to Talk About"

1993 "Achy Breaky Heart," by Billy Ray Cyrus "Beauty & the Beast," by Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson "Constant Craving," by k.d. lang "Save the Best for Last," by Vanessa Williams WINNER: "Tears in Heaven," by Eric Clapton

OH SHIT THE GRAMMYS JUST HIT US WITH THE THROWBACK! Awful novelty single? CHECK. Treacly ballad? CHECK. Ponderous slow song from an influential-but-overlooked performer? I FEEL BAD ABOUT SAYING IT BECAUSE IT'S A SONG ABOUT HIS KID WHO DIED BUT, OKAY, THIS IS WHO I AM, CHECK. And we have A NEW KIND OF BAD this year: THE POP VERSION OF THE SONG FROM THE MOVIE MUSICAL. Angela Lansbury or GTFO. k.d. lang does sort of earn this by default, I'm not gonna lie to you and say I dug the song presented to me, but I absoltuely respect the pioneering work she did in advancing stylization in performers' name. k.d. lang paved the streets on which Panic! At the Disco marches.

TRUE ENDING: "Constant Craving"

1994 "A Whole New World," by Peabo Bryson & Regina Belle "The River of Dreams," by Billy Joel "If I Ever Lose My Faith in You," by Sting "Harvest Moon," by Neil Young WINNER: "I Will Always Love You," by Whitney Houston

The end result is always the same, no matter what, but hoo boy, this sequence is something else. '90s music is generally ugh, but you had "Nuthin' but a 'G' Thang," "Mr. Jones," "No Rain," "Shoop," "What's Up?" But this. Billy Joel. Again. It's only been three times or something but it feels like Billy Joel has been nominated for this award every year.

TRUE ENDING: "I Will Always Love You"

1995 "I'll Make Love to You," by Boyz II Men "He Thinks He'll Keep Her," by Mary Chapin Carpenter "Love Sneakin' up on You," by Bonnie Raitt "Streets of Philadelphia," by Bruce Springsteen WINNER: "All I Wanna Do," by Sheryl Crow

The Grammys have relapsed pretty hard. And because we're in the 1990s, and also I've kind of hit a wall in terms of my enthusiasm for this project, I'm not even listening to these songs, because there's not any lessons to be gleaned here, music was being taken over by grunge and rap and the Grammys didn't know how to react so they literally gave their biggest award to a song which states, "All I wanna do is have some fun." Let's just have some fun, guys! Stop being so sad about everything, let's just, let's play Parcheesi! You used to love Parcheesi! Let's play Parcheesi and just, let's just have some fun! But yeah the Grammys are havin' some issues coming to terms with reality.

TRUE ENDING: "I'll Make Love to You"

1996 "One Sweet Day," by Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men "Gangsta's Paradise," by Coolio "One of Us," by Joan Osborne "Waterfalls," by TLC WINNER: "Kiss from a Rose," by Seal

Now THIS. This, I can extremely fuck with. Nary a quibble I have with the Grammys' assessment of 1995! Do I maybe trade out "One Sweet Day" for "Fantasy?" Of course, I'm not that dead inside. Do I maybe replace "One of Us" with "You Oughta Know?" Eh, I think "One of Us" is more timeless, in that it's about God and not Dave Coulier, but I'd hear the argument. Do I maybe put "Life's a Bitch" in there instead of "Gangsta's Paradise?" Yes, but I completely get why they wouldn't. I think we've found it. I think we've found the most acceptable list! And the winner is almost the acceptable winner! Also, I didn't realize this until I dove into the list of hits from 1995, but apparently Ko[backwards R]n and P.O.D. were active and hitmakers in 1995. I knew it was coming soon? But I didn’t think it started when I was in Kindergarten.

TRUE ENDING: "Gangsta's Paradise"

1997 "Give Me One Reason," by Tracy Chapman "Because You Loved Me," by Celine Dion "Ironic," by Alanis Morissette "1979," by The Smashing Pumpkins WINNER: "Change the World," by Eric Clapton

And we're back. Though, hey, the Grammys are still making incremental progress. There's grunge, earning respectful recognition that it did, indeed, happen, and the Grammys were aware of it but ever distant! Alanis Morissette gets a nod for writing a song about how sometimes bad things happen! And TRACY CHAPMAN JUST ENDS THE FUCKING GAME. Someone once described "Give Me One Reason" as the last true blues hit, and that is such an accurate assessment. Everything about "Give Me One Reason" owns. I am thrilled to have shared some portion of the earth with the two Tracy Chapman songs we have briefly discussed.

TRUE ENDING: "Give Me One Reason"

1998 "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" by Paula Cole "Everyday Is a Winding Road," by Sheryl Crow "MMMBop," by Hanson "I Believe I Can Fly," by R. Kelly WINNER: "Sunny Came Home," by Shawn Colvin

I believe it was @fart who tweeted that "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" and "The Boys Are Back in Town" share two different perspectives of the same event, and I'm sticking to that here. This right here is sort of the distillation of the '90s, assuming you're ignoring, y'know, rap: while you can't deny that this was probably what everyone in the '90s was listening to, you can absolutely fault everyone in the '90s for listening to this, because this is bad. But this is what was popular! "MMMBop," a song about grappling with your own mortality while making mouthsounds, was the biggest fucking song! You couldn't escape it! "It" referring to "MMMBop!" Like, the 1981 field was bad? But it was bad because it was bland, and it was regressive, and it wasn't of the time. This is bad because the songs are bad. They're all dated, they have no appeal beyond kitschiness, they're just, ugh. For once, it's not the Grammys' fault. ...Not entirely. Again: rap. We had that. We didn't have do the Sheryl Crow thing again.

TRUE ENDING: "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?"

1999 "The Boy Is Mine," by Brandy & Monica "Iris," by Goo Goo Dolls "Ray of Light," by Madonna "You're Still the One," by Shania Twain WINNER: "My Heart Will Go On," by Celine Dion

The '90s weren't without their saving graces, of course. Golly. Imagine being presented with this field and voting for something that wasn't "The Boy Is Mine." So many people did! I'm not gonna sit here and say that "My Heart Will Go On" wasn't the biggest musical craze of 1998, I lived through that shit, I endured that shit, believe you me, from a historical standpoint, it deserves this award. It's not history's fault, though, that so many more people listened to "My Heart Will Go On" than "The Boy Is Mine." It's those people's fault. WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE. What was wrong with you. ...At least you're still 15 or so years from your choice being Macklemore. It's hard to tell which is worse, but at least there's a good chunk of time between your failings.

TRUE ENDING: "The Boy Is Mine"

2000 "I Want It That Way," by Backstreet Boys "Believe," by Cher "Livin' La Vida Loca," by Ricky Martin "No Scrubs," by TLC WINNER: "Smooth," by Santana ft./Rob Thomas

...I don't like what I'm about to do. You know I think "Smooth" is a hot one. You know how I feel about guys in the passenger side of their best friend's ride, tryna holla at me. You know what I believe with regards to an existence of a life after love. You know I live that crazy life. ...If I'm doing karaoke, though. If I'm doing karaoke, and I need one song to fire every fucker in this dingy bar the fuck up, I need an all-time classic song that everyone loves and everyone knows, IF I AM SELECTING ONE JAM TO TAKE THIS PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH CALLED LIFE TO FLAVOR TOWN. ...It's gonna be "I Want It That Way." It's a perfect song. It is expertly crafted, the epitome of Swedish song design. It's this massive engine driving this amazing being into existence. I don't like that it is perfect. You may not like that it is perfect. But it is perfect and we love it. There are truths in life which are undeniable. "I Want It That Way" is one such truth.

TRUE ENDING: "I Want It That Way"

2001 "Say My Name," by Destinys Child "I Try," by Macy Gray "Music," by Madonna "Bye Bye Bye," by *NSYNC WINNER: "Beautiful Day," by U2

ugh what is with the u2 thing Anyway, this would ideally be where we start recognizing the things Beyonce has done for the world and all who live in it, except "I Try" is amazing. Also we're in the aughts and everyone knows and loves the aughts and no one has anything bad to say about the aughts so I'm not even gonna try to stretch for profundity it's lightning round time.

TRUE ENDING: "I Try"

2002 "Video," by india.arie "Fallin'," by Alicia Keys "Ms. Jackson," by OutKast "Drops of Jupiter (Tell Me)," by Train WINNER: "Walk On," by U2

SERIOUSLY THIS U2 THING. WHAT ARE THEY SEEING THAT I'M NOT. WHAT COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE IN THERE. Anyway, hello. Rap has been around for two and a half decades and three rap songs have been nominated for Record of the Year in this space. That is as many rap songs as U2 songs in the same span of time. And lemme just skip ahead real quick here, and... Yep, yep, of course, the entire genre of rap and U2 are still tied in the official Record of the Year Grammy count! That's incredibly acceptable and great.

TRUE ENDING: "Ms. Jackson"

2003 "A Thousand Miles," by Vanessa Carlton "Without Me," by Eminem "Dilemma," by Nelly & Kelly Rowland "How You Remind Me," by Nickelback WINNER: "Don't Know Why," by Norah Jones

Legit question: is "Dilemma" the last great duet? I know Drake and Rihanna have put in work trying to find a great duet, I know Usher and Alicia Keys dropped "My Boo," I'm going to point out New Found Glory and Hayley Williams collaborated on "Vicious Love" and wait until this point is completely ignored before I move on, there we go, I think this might be the last great pop duet! I think the last great pop duet features the iconic screencap of Microsoft Excel Messenger!

TRUE ENDING: "Dilemma"

2004 "Crazy in Love," by Beyonce ft./Jay-Z "Where Is the Love?" by The Black Eyed Peas "Lose Yourself," by Eminem "Hey Ya!" by OutKast WINNER: "Clocks," by Coldplay

See, I'm disqualifying "Crazy in Love" from consideration from the "great duets" debate because it's not a duet. Jay-Z has a feature verse. Anyway: FUCK THIS. "Crazy in Love" vs. "Hey Ya!" absolutely 100% fuck this. Like that's a goddamn debate right there. There could be an entire 1000-episode podcast debating who should have won this category, "Crazy in Love" or "Hey Ya!" And it's not like the other three are slouches. "Lose Yourself" is disappointingly but definitely more popular than either track, "Where Is the Love?" is the kinda-awesome midpoint between Woke BEP and Party BEP, and I'd bop "Clocks" from the party but I'd let it hang for a few minutes, get a glimpse of a world other than its own before throwing it out on its ass. But "Crazy in Love" vs. "Hey Ya!" Fuck, dude. ...Grammys can tie, right? Yeah, there's ties in the Grammys. Fuck it, even if there's not ties in the Grammys, there's ties in this weird alternate reality Grammys because legitimately how the fuck do you choose.

TRUE ENDING: "Hey Ya!" & "Crazy in Love"

2005 "Let's Get it Started," by The Black Eyed Peas "American Idiot," by Green Day "Heaven," by Los Lonely Boys "Yeah!" by Usher ft./Lil' Jon & Ludacris WINNER: "Here We Go Again," by Ray Charles & Norah Jones

...Like?

TRUE ENDING: "Yeah!"

2006 "We Belong Together," by Mariah Carey "Feel Good Inc.," by Gorillaz ft./De La Soul "Hollaback Girl," by Gwen Stefani "Gold Digger," by Kanye West ft./Jamie Foxx WINNER: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," by Green Day

...OK, shit. Um. "We Belong Together" set the Mariah comeback in stone and history has a place for it, but I don't have a trophy for it. It's "Gold Digger" vs. "Boulevard" for me, and... And I think I gotta give it to. "Boulevard?" See, here's the thing, though, if "Stronger" were nominated a few years down the line, or "Love Lockdown," or "Niggas in Paris," yes! Absolutely, there'd be an argument! But "Gold Digger" is... Not his finest song? It's a funny-ish song about a stereotype. It has charm, it has that Ray Charles sample, but it's sort of, what's the phrase I'm looking for? Chop up the soul Kanye? It's that. It's good not great. "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" is a song that captured the hopelessness and futility of life as a lower-class individual in the Bush era and is presently capturing the hopelessness and futility of life as anyone in the Trump era. The world needed and continues to need songs like that.

TRUE ENDING: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"

2007 "Be Without You," by Mary J. Blige "You're Beautiful," by James Blunt "Crazy," by Gnarls Barkley "Put Your Records On," by Corinne Bailey Rae WINNER: "Not Ready to Make Nice," by Dixie Chicks

"Not Ready to Make Nice" is the shit. I wanted Mary J. Blige or Gnarls Barkley to win, I could almost write that argument, but I just, "Not Ready to Make Nice" is the angriest song ever written. It is the apotheosis of the "message to the haters" song; it walks the same thematic ground as Tay Tay's "Shake It Off," but thunder emanates from its every step. And it's angry in that plain-spoken metaphorless way only country music can pull off. She does not obscure what has her fucked up: the letter stated, "shut up and sing or your life will be over." She is not going to forget. It's so powerful. Does it define 2006 in music? No, let's not be silly, "SexyBack" owned the year, Timbaland had more than a few songs hit #1, this song didn't have reach or impacy beyond the Grammy, but this song. This fucking song, man.

TRUE ENDING: "Not Ready to Make Nice"

2008 "Irreplaceable," by Beyonce "The Pretender," by Foo Fighters "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z "What Goes Around.../...Comes Around," by Justin Timberlake WINNER: "Rehab," by Amy Winehouse

okay no need to write an extended defense of this one, we know what's up

TRUE ENDING: "Irreplaceable"

2009 "Chasing Pavements," by Adele "Viva la Vida," by Coldplay "Bleeding Love," by Leona Lewis "Paper Planes," by M.I.A. WINNER: "Please Read the Letter," by Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

i'm not really feelin' any of these songs, but WE'RE SO CLOSE TO THE END so fuck it here's the song i come closest to feeling

TRUE ENDING: "Paper Planes"

2010 "Halo," by Beyonce "I Gotta Feeling," by The Black Eyed Peas "Poker Face," by Lady Gaga "You Belong with Me," by Tay Tay WINNER: "Use Somebody," by Kings of Leon

oh wow, so, y'know, okay, how? how do we still have years like this? i know dope tunes were released in 2009 because i lived it, how do so many people get together and think, "yes! these!" this field is so bad, if you dropped drake's "best i ever had" into it, it would have a legit claim to the title. this is unconscionable! i hate this! why did i do this?

TRUE ENDING: "Poker Face"

2011 "Nothin' on You," by B.O.B. ft./Bruno Mars "Love the Way You Lie," by Eminem & Rihanna "Fuck You," by Cee Lo Green "Empire State of Mind," by Jay-Z ft./Alicia Keys WINNER: "Need You Now," by Lady Antebellum

Ah, the poetry of a group with the word Antebellum in their name emerging from a pack of black artists to claim a trophy they didn't deserve. Memories! What lovely recent history! Anyhoo, as sure as the earth is round, "Fuck You" is the best pop song of the decade so far. I'll fight you. Dungeon fam, I just gave you two Grammys for the mantle.

TRUE ENDING: "Fuck You"

2012 "Holocene," by Bon Iver "Grenade," by Bruno Mars "The Cave," by Mumford & Sons "Firework," by Katy Perry TRUE ENDING: "Rolling in the Deep," by Adele

"love on top," "party rock anthem," "niggas in paris," "the motto," "the edge of glory." what the fuck, you guys. picking songs that are good isn't hard but you fucked it up five times in a row somehow.

TRUE ENDING: i mean "Rolling in the Deep" i guess? ye gods this is dire

2013 "Lonely Boy," by The Black Keys "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)," by Kelly Clarkson "We Are Young," by Fun. ft./Janelle Monae "Thinkin Bout You," by Frank Ocean "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together," by Tay Tay WINNER: "Somebody That I Used to Know," by Gotye ft./Kimbra

So now that we have years and years of historical context for the Grammys, let's take a minute to discuss what a miracle it was that Frank Ocean was ever nominated. The Grammys spent years ignoring anything resembling a subculture. As the 1960s grew increasingly psychedelic, the Grammys kept handing out nominations to Frank Sinatra and jazz instrumentals and gentle sweater dads. They dipped their toes into funkier things in the '70s, but they stayed the hell away from actual funk, from rock, from anything that looked like it might have been near cocaine at any point in their life. They gave Frank Sinatra a ROTY nomination in 1980. 1980! The Grammys had shown zero sign that they were even close to acknowledging a black man with ambiguous sexuality singing songs just on the edge of the mainstream existed. "Thinkin Bout You" peaked at 32 Stateside. There would have been zero outcry outside of The Internet if his song weren't nominated. And yet! They did! I don't get how, but I dig it! Anyway the best song of these six is "We Are Young" and how. How is "Call Me Maybe." ...A thousand steps forward, one step back, I guess.

TRUE ENDING: "We Are Young"

2014 "Radioactive," by Imagine Dragons "Royals," by Lorde "Locked Out of Heaven," by Bruno Mars "Blurred Lines," by Robin Thicke ft./Pharrell Williams & T.I. WINNER: "Get Lucky," by Daft Punk ft./Pharrell Williams

yeah they got it right, i don't care

TRUE ENDING: "Get Lucky"

2015 "Fancy," by Iggy Azalea ft./Charli XCX "Chandelier," by Sia "Shake It Off," by Tay Tay "All About that Bass," by Meghan Trainor WINNER: "Stay with Me," by Sam Smith

wooooooooooooooooooooooooow you really dont have to go back that far to find one of the all-time worst fields. i don't know if we've dropped any song off the face of the earth faster than "fancy," i barely even remembered it existed. "all about that bass" gets more embarrassing with each passing day. "stay with me" is mor pap. "shake it off" is horrifyingly immature and features tay tay rapping, which is, it's just a gross thing to have experienced. "chandelier." "chandelier" almost single-handedly redeems this field. i know i've used this blog to discuss what a miracle it is that sia exists as she does in the music landscape today, but legitimately, what the fuck. how? i don't mind! but how? but no for real "Chandelier," "Happy," "Problem," "Drunk in Love..." hoo boy 2014 was dire, uh, "Timber." shit, dude, yeah, "Timber." ok. ok yeah i guess it's ok as long as "Rude!" didn't make the cut.

TRUE ENDING: "Chandelier"

2016 "Really Love," by D'Angelo & the Vanguard "Thinking Out Loud," by Ed Sheeran "Blank Space," by Tay Tay "Can't Feel My Face," by The Weeknd WINNER: "Uptown Funk," by Mark Ronson ft./Bruno Mars

"Uptown Funk"/"Can't Feel My Face" is the toughest choice since "Hey Ya!"/"Crazy in Love." I think I give it to "Uptown Funk," simply because it doesn't feel like "Can't Feel My Face" exists without it, but man, "Can't Feel My Face" is such a solid track.

TRUE ENDING: "Uptown Funk"

2017 "Hello," by Adele "Formation," by Beyonce "7 Years," by Lukas Graham "Work," by Rihanna ft./Drake "Stressed Out," by twenty one pilots

listen, if i had to pick the field, it's "formation," "stresed out," "love yourself," "closer," and "black beatles." maybe throw "panda" in there over "stressed out," more people seemed to be into that than "stressed out," who cares, 2016 just wasn't great for anything on earth which exists, but hey! at least this field is more or less accurate! i don't know what "7 years" is doing here, and neither do you, but i know we're both hoping it wins so we can watch the first fires of the revolution.

TRUE ENDING: "Formation"

[ziggykazenzakis]

i heard medium is a dyieng website so imma drop here all i had there just to have it somewhere

Schedule

12:02  —  Get up slowly, smoke the first cigarette. Find out you’re out of toothpaste.

12:10  —  Watch the new episode of Men Are Important, a show about the world where Men Are Important.

12:32  —  Fall asleep in the middle of Men Are Important.

13:11  —  Wake up nervously, smoke the second cigarette. Eat something.

13:17  —  Download a collection of short stories by someone incredibly obscure, some comic books, bit of contemporary french cinema. Never open downloads.

14:00  —  Go to the store to get groceries and toothpaste, come back with cigarettes, white wine and frozen pizza.

14:23  —  Write post for Community Buzzfeed, titled “28 reasons my God is better than yours”.

16:00  —  Go outside.

17:00  —  Point fingers at journalism majors.

19:27  —  Tell strangers at a bar how comic books and radio are close as mediums.

20:52  —  Get hit in the face.

22:12  —  Come home, write an essay on cultural significance of 400 Blows (never watch 400 Blows). Smoke fourteenth cigarette.

23:49  —  Look in the mirror.

00:28  —  Read Batman comics, open another pack of cigarettes.

01:02  —  Read Batman comics, but ironically.

02:37  —  Think of your own grandeur for prolonged periods of time, do absolutely nothing.

03:58  —  Find the strangest porno possible.

04:49  —  Try to fall asleep, cry silently.

12:02  —  Get up slowly, smoke the first cigarette. Find out you’re out of toothpaste.

bad joke from 2014

a man walks into a bar man drinks and drinks as he tries to drown his sorrow in cheap yet over-priced liquor which is probably watered down too he comes to a realization epiphany, perhaps not even that though because he spent the most of his adulthood trying to shrug off that idea deep back into the ether he comes to a realization that whatever he does is meaningless meaningless beyond the point of comprehension he doesn’t care for dead philosophers mind masturbation nor for the idea of time and space being the same intertwined thing all he knows is that his actions have no impact on the world around him none

after that setup you might expect a cheerful twist or an absurd one nihilism is intensely boring you might think, “it’s not about the journey it’s about the destination, honey” well first of all, don’t patronize me secondly, we can still get back to the base of this anecdote some slapstick comedy, maybe? or salvage the entire thing with some pop-cultural references that y’all hate but pretend to love it’s actually quite an art, to be pretentious whilst talking about Batman of all things

man keeps on drinking he looks up at the tiny TV atop the bar it’s a rerun of some sports game is that what they called? sports games? the whole thing is ridiculous and way past my control over it commentator says, “stop wallowing in self-pity” man is confused he looks to his left he looks to his right he looks right at the screen and gulps a shot of whiskey “that is what you’re doing with your life? little cry-baby anyway, back to you Johnson” “the game is quite a race today, folks…” and the voice trails off barkeep already saw the game he doesn’t care it’s not like there was much to care about in the first place man pays the bill leaves a tip not too much, not too little he goes home he’ll try to forget and he’ll inevitably fail

the bar was called “Huge Sweaty Balls” are you happy now that’s the punchline that’s the joke you’ve been waiting for everything is fucking great

Banned Names

Amir left the subway, avoiding stranger’s gaze, awkwardly tapping into it ever so often, apologizing as much as he can for snow-covered ten gallon hat using only his eyes. Through side streets and backstreets, which lead to crooked steps, which lead to a heavy door, which leads to basement. Hit aperture with his hat, bowed a bit, came in. Through hallway, and must shake hands with everyone, came. “Sorry guys, slept through”, Amir said. “What’s with the hat, did Haggard die?”, said Jim. “I’ve decided, that the band is called Astral Cowboys”.

“No”, said Thrasy. “Why?”, said Amir. “Cause that’s some fucking bullshit. I disagree”, said Thrasy. Thrasy was sure that the might one is the right one. Not many people agreed with him on things but less have tried to argue.

“Your will and we would have been called Wacky Eugenics”, said Amir. “I like it”, said Jim, not expecting spited glances from both sides. “And what would that be, in your idea? Delta Witchhouse?”, said Thrasy. “Nah, pretty casual psychedelics”, said Amir. “Why not just post-punk”, said Jim, fully expecting spited glances from both sides.

“Alright”, said Amir, “Astral Cowboys, gimme something better”. “Heinous Crime”, said Thrasy. “Circumstances”, said Jim. “No, Complications”. “Upvotes From The Underground”, said Jim. “If you won’t take it seriously then shut the fuck up”, said Thrasy. “A Kilo Of Potatoes”, said Jim.

“You got some bad ideas, Astral Cowboys”, said Amir. “Where does this preconception comes from, that you got the final word?”, said Thrasy. “Main vocals, lead guitar, lyrics — who else?”, said Amir. “Richards rules the Stones”, said Thrasy.

“Imma smoke”, said Jim, and left. “And one who dares to think that Astral Cowboys is a good title for anything should not write anything let alone songs”, said Thrasy. “It’s a good title! Intentionally kitsch but comfortable, relaxed, some chick shit, in a good way”, said Amir. “Here’s what’s going to happen”, said Thrasy. “Justice will be accomplished. Great, strong people been showered in mud by the weak, time and time again. Because they were allowed to. We’re going to punk. And it won’t be a riot. It will be anger. My holy mission is to continue what the Ramones started, convinced conservatives and a bunch of beautiful, rare bastards. I’m going to hit you, and you are going to hit the ground, and the band shall be called Circumstances. Or whatever the hell, Jim had some good ideas, but not Astral Cowboys, chief”.

Jim looked at the falling snow under the light of the street lamp. As he was lighting up a cigarette, he thought that he should learn to draw. He opened up a two years old text file on his three years old phone which was titled “bandnames.txt” and contained such as “Damn, A Burger? Don’t Mind If I Do”, “The Whatnots”, “No Weekends” and so on. He added “Ciet Vong”, which put up the file at the top of the list, threw the cig into a snowdrift, and walked back.

Jim walked in on a couple of grown children, trying to wrestle somewhat, and to hit, and not to damage all the appliance around. “How about Homoerotic Subtext? For a band name”, said Jim.

The band was standing and smoking. “We wasted three paid hours without touching the instruments”, said Amir. “Next week, same time?”

et in arcadia ego

looked barely dead and the cats started chewing on my thigh. They are sure that I’m dead, that I have no need for it, and that the still warm flesh is much more enjoyable than dry feed. The screens around blink with bright imagery of sin. Pick up the phone, look at the list of recent calls, which consists of the same number. After a click, beeps, before someone could reply, say “large pepperoni”, tell address, say, that I won’t need the change. Full cats fell asleep under the warm screens. After an hour to the dot, knock on the door. A kid paler than me holds a large white box the content of which is covered in sand round-shaped bread. He left without saying anything with his ten percent tip (cause death isn’t a reason to be uncorteous). Someone vaguely familiar comes in, full of energy, greets, tells how someone somewhere robbed a bank and uploaded the video of it on one of those sites. Says that if you take a city map and connect all the banks and their subsidiaries you’ll see a pentagram made of pentagrams which are made of pentagrams. “Dude, the main problem with you-know-who is that he didn’t transform hell into heaven but just sits there being a cog”, he says. After a brief pause, I say “we gotta call some five acquaintances and play some basketball”. “Good thinking, dude, good thinking. If all’s well we gotta smash some ATM afterwards. I don’t know why people don’t do it all the time, those things don’t look that hardy”, he says. We leave, the weather is perfect.

untitled

Sportscaster screams “verbiage” when I’m on a stroll Decribing empty vistas filled with horny patrols My dead self is my best self mind not in Malcolm’s way Beware of feedback loops every step of the way Give me a reason to leave my poorly assembled set To this very day les tricoteuses make content

Well you have ears and you have eyes Don’t listen to me look at some other guy There’s some courage to be had Writing down history of victorious empty heads It must be side effect of broken sleep patterns Finding rhythm and beauty in fecal matter

Stinging bland colors exorting a laugh Soundbites of worst to offer, what a fun life I’m asking others how to feel Plateauted yet again it’s no big deal When there’s light again over parks and backdoors I’ll try to mute proclivities towards bromide and havenots

My Dear Friends

The only thing here separating a lion and a man is a lousy moat. Jack Drowsey stands alone in Miami Zoo and stares at the animal. The sun is high on this weekday, Jack ignores a text from his boss, the lion looks back at Jack serenely, Jack puts phone on silent when boss calls, the lion yawns and stretches, Jacks turns the phone off when his wife calls. Jack leaves the zoo and gets in a car for which he has a key. Turns the ignition on, rips off BMW Dealership sticker off the glass and drives. He spent four years in Florida and never seen an alligator, but plenty of idiots. When Castro died, he saw a miami cuban and a skinhead hug. He drives among palm trees and potholes and thinks of his childhood in rural California. He had two friends, Barney and Billy. Barney now lives in San Francisco doing “some gay bullshit”, as Jack calls it. Billy died a few years back, OD’d on Xanax. It gets dark as he crosses the state line. Back in Bakersfield, Jack, Barney and Billy had a game. There was this guy everyone called just Dirty who had a real oxy problem. He was about twenty, but no one knew for sure, while Jack and the gang were all thirteen at the time. The goal of the game was as follows: get Dirty in a cage. They had a cage. The game was usually lost, except for that one time, when Billy told Dirty that if he stayed in the cage for an hour, they’d give him twelve dollars. Dirty walked into the cage, the boys locked it and left. From then on, Dirty was the wiser. Jack has been driving for three days straight now. Once, Barney had a Problem, he wanted to enlist. This curly pudgy kid, the kind who listens to Talking Heads, seventeen at the time, decided he had enough. He shaved his head, started running in the morning, talking about some evils from abroad gathering upon our doorstep, with nothing but vile intentions under their brown skins. Jack didn’t really care, he was happy for his friend to lose some weight and get a better chance at getting laid, but Billy was fuming. For three weeks there were constant arguing, until the two stopped talking and shaking hands altogether. Two months later, Jack’s birthday, which he saw as an opportunity to reconcile his buddies. They spent most of the night at the opposite ends of the room until they were drunk enough to get into some altercations. The previously routine arguing quickly turned when Billy yelled “Bash the fash!”. He must’ve forgotten that previously an artsy cunt spent time working on his body, while Billy was smoking weed and telling young women that they should all look more like Suicide Girls. Barney broke Billy’s nose, who was then smiling and coughing blood laying on the ground. Barney cried a bit. Everything returned to normal. Jack is approaching LA. He hadn’t slept, he hadn’t eaten, he stopped at a gas station once and got a bottle of water. He shuts his eyes for a second at an intersection and a truck is swift and merciless. Now he’s in LA, of sorts. It’s snowing. Dirty approaches him, but he’s clean, and he’s dressed up as Elvis. “Hi, Jack, remember me?”, says clean Dirty. “It’s me, Bruce”, he says. “You’re dead, buddy. Billy is here too, you wanna meet him? Or maybe someone famous first, how does a date with Rita Hayworth sounds to ya, huh, old pal?”, says Dirty. Jack keeps walking, Dirty follows. There’s no sunshine, only snow. There are no cars and Dirty is the only person around. Where would be banners and posters and billboards that advertise a multibillion industry of boredom is nothing; all of them show nothing. “Where are you going, you little shit?”, says Dirty, and Jack finds himself to be thirteen. He keeps walking. “You think I don’t remember? Here it’s hard to forget. All you do is remember”, says Dirty to the kid. “Where the fuck did you even find a cage?”, says Dirty, stops walking, mumbles something, pulls out a cigarette. Jack stops walking too. “We were just kids”, Jack says. “Whatever, asshole. I don’t care. There isn’t some lesson to be had here. Just go”, Dirty says, puffing on a newport. Jack is adult again, and he keeps walking. Until he sees Billy, whose skin is whiter than the snow around. “Why did you leave them?”, he says. Jack punches Billy in the shoulder. “Why did you leave us?”, he says. Billy can’t handle the punch and falls on his ass. “You and Barney seemed to have it figured out, somewhat. He with his art, you with your wife and a job. Not a great job, but a real job, doing something, being able to afford shit and all. I had absolutely nothing. I had no one. I did not leave you two, you did that before. I had bills, I had no fun, I had an easy way out. I took it. What’s your excuse?”, says Billy. And Jack has none.

[wolfflowers]

Hmmrrr I should look into dream dictionaries and what the witchy world has to say on dream interpretations. Twice now it felt like a spirit visited me or acknowledged me by being present in the dream and its story.

Those two (despite being very different) felt important and it felt like an honor to see them so close to me, and that they liked or acknowledged something in me. But I have no idea who they are! And I'm not sure how to research them or who to ask.

For my own reference I'm talking about:

1 ) The electric or lightning monkey with a long tail in a "fighting house" (for training? Like martial arts?) which was also a big home/ apartment for the homeless or travelers (maybe kids? Orphans or neglected).

He fought a lot in anger, but not because he enjoyed violence. Maybe for justice? Righteous anger? Had a 1×1 or 2×2 square tapestry made old beige-white material (not paper, it was flexible in the wind).

His image was a stylised monkey with his long limbs and tail forming a circle around his body, the ink was green or red.

The last scene was me walking past it after observing it (was being shown around the place) and yellow electricity sparked within the ink for a moment, and something invisible made the tapestry ripple as if in the wind. I think his deep voice resonated from somewhere quietly.

2 ) The second walked up to me (was it twice the same man in 2 diff dreams, or 2 diff ppl but somehow related, or maybe not related at all???)

First sequence was in a wides, warm and sunny canyon of yellow stone and sand with ppl walking about. I saw a few shallow holes (looking for something or testing the ground?), and a line of ppl digging at the ground one layer at a time towards the canyon wall with really solid rods (like it was their job?) I tried not to get in anyone's way but there were so many ppl!

In another area a large group were playing a sport. I walked passed a few players while keeping myself out of their game and in the shade to join a line of spectators. I was nearly on the end of the line on the far right.

The game (or now it felt like a dance and music performance?) finished, and a proud muscular man with yellow and blue (beaded? and leather cords?) accessories on his arms and chest walked up to me, or I was passing him and I ask,

"Excuse me, I liked your performance." And here I'm worried on how to phrase my sentence because WHITE GUILT DON'T SAY SOMETHING RACIST OR IGNORANT. "An instrument that played in your music sounded like one I heard that was from Peru. Are you perhaps from that region? Like from..."

And here I couldn't remember the name of the country, think it started with a V and had and A somewhere? He let out a happy bark of laughter and smiled, extending his right arm with the elbow bent down and his open hand up for me to clasp.

"I am from A..v...z..a(?), and yes we did use that/a similar instrument!"

I look at his extended hand and I'm like huh? Me?? We clasp hands and he holds my elbow or shoulder with his left hand. I'm not sure what to do so I hold my left hand over my chest, a bit shy, and he talks to me in his native tongue.

I'm looking at him in the eyes and I don't know what he's saying but I respectfully let him continue. He seems to have finished with one clap on my elbow/shoulder, then repeats what he said in English so I could understand! Then claps me on the left shoulder with a calmer smile.

It felt like a series of small blessings for the coming future that I'm not used to say, like "may the rivers in your path let you pass", all nature-based. It felt so kind??

And just... why me? Why this much kindness for asking a question? Is it because of my interest/curiosity? Because he felt like it? Or he really enjoys helping others? It felt nice because it sounded like he meant it. ((Think this dream was because I watched a Japanese man giving his tips as a comic book/manga artist and he had a translator repeat in English.))

3 ) This dream was far longer an elaborate, involved being in an English town with stones for roads and old houses huddled closely to each other along the way. Apparently it was normal to see actors dressed in their roles and cosplayers (acting or just enjoying themselves) walking about in the busy town.

Pro actors sometimes started reenacting scenes or would improvise, sometimes even with the cosplayers (crossover galore!) and the public for the fun of it.

I was walking and saw ppl standing on the side of the road looking and smiling at an actor, I think it was HP based (not my decision lol), it was a melancholic Mad-eye Moody or Mr Filch sitting down in the shadows on the road, looking up at the sky and singing something he was upset about.

But it was all comedy for the audience because he's dramatic and often a sour character who causes problems to others.

I watched as I kept walking and grinned, noticing a few other actors and cosplayers in the surrounding audience.

I'm in a different area with just as many ppl, and it seems like a improvised scene had just ended and ppl started to amble away. I noticed a very tall mechanical Horrortale Papyrus and exclaimed something, they heard me and turned around with a grin.

They used (or painted) rusted metal for the exposed bones and mechanical joints (because the cosplayer, like most humans, was shorter than horror!Papyrus). Even the nails, screws and bolts had rust trails. They did a very good job, despite his character's sad story.

Then several other Papyruses (all UT or HT) and ppl walk up so we gather a small group going "Hey I love this guy!" "I love this guy too!"

Then the scene changes and all the Papyrus cosplayers are standing in a line extending to my right.) One at a time stands in front of me, and they automatically get swiped to the left so the next one in line faces me.

I don't do any swiping motion; it feels like a character select screen, and they're kind of floating a few inches off the ground. Yet they're still the cosplayers!

So I just. Tell every individual what I personally think and like about their costume. Some react like Paps would which is always fun to see at conventions (STARS I MISS CONS!) ((Not sure why I'm doing this tho. Maybe because I like commenting on ppl's art online?))

But the last in line is a man that just sticks out from the rest, and it feels like he came specifically to see me or to tell me something.

I think he's Native American: has tan skin, in shape, tall, has something dangling from his neck in a wide U over his chest, made with natural things/objects? (WHAT ARE WORDS)

But what makes him feel different than just a plain human was a tall square or rectangular bag/sack over his head. The bag was beige-brown, looked worn, stood upright, and it looked as if something solid and rectangular stood over his head under the sack to give this square shape.

The bag had something painted on it in black red n blue, but I can't remember what it was; was it a symbol, words, a face, like a depiction of a mask (of a spirit, deity, or a curse?)

So he stood there floating a few inches off the ground and told me something in a... sort of sad/solemn tone. I think his voice was muffled.

And I'm not sure if this was one whole person, or a spirit/deity/something using this man's body to speak to me through him.

And I can't remember what he said. Sad news? A warning? And ancestor just reaching out?

Now that I'm awake, I'm wondering if it was the spirit of someone who was killed with a sack over their head or had their head cut off in an execution, with something offensive painted on the sack (because my known families lived, and I currently live, on the lands of Native Americans, where white ppl caused a genocide).

Or, maybe, the man had passed away naturally and they covered his head so ppl could visit? Or he had a nasty head wound, or deformity, or lesions, so they covered his head with the sack and painted something meaningful before he was burried/burned? That would be a bit nicer.

[mrmichaelchadler]

Natural Woman: A Tribute to Aretha Franklin

The world lost actual royalty on Thursday, August 16th, 2018, when the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, passed away at age 76. Our own Odie Henderson already paid tribute to her in his eloquent obituary, but we wanted to open the floor to a few more thoughts from our team, including Chaz Ebert, Nell Minow, Brian Tallerico, Omer Mozzafar, B. J. Bethel, Steve Erickson, Peter Sobczynski and Matt Fagerholm. Words can’t really do her justice, but we will try.

CHAZ EBERT

ARETHA FRANKLIN: NATURAL WOMAN

Ms Aretha Franklin, the undisputed Queen of Soul, was the singular musical influence in my life. Not the single, as in only, but the most important. I have great admiration for many singers such as Sara Vaughan, Ella Fitzgerald, Esther Phillips, Lena Horne, Whitney Houston, June Anderson, Dianna Ross, Adele, Dionne Warwick, and Barbara Streisand but Aretha’s singing helped me to discover the music of the heartstrings. Whether she was crooning "Natural Woman," "Dr Feelgood," "Giving Him Something He Can Feel," "I Say a Little Prayer," "Brand New Me," "This Girl's In Love With You," "Chain of Fools,"  “Nessun Dorma” or “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” her brand of soul seeped deep into my psyche, taking me through various experiences of love, as she was never timid about letting you know whether she was deliriously in love or woefully in pain, or on some platform in between the two.

There is a certain kind of down-home blues called “gut bucket” blues, not only because you feel it in your gut with each strum of the guitar but because it sounds like it is wrenched from the guts of the singer, from his or her firsthand experience with no money for rent and the baby needs shoes, and your love done got up and gone. Aretha’s songs came from her gut. There was no artifice. Her soulful moans were a direct translation whether you were wondering about love, falling in love, discovering sex, nursing a broken heart or telling a man to give you some Respect. She was that natural woman, who struggled with her weight, and her clothes but never with her affection for family and friends. When she performed professionally she sometimes demanded to be paid in cash and was known for carrying it around in her purse within her eyesight on stage. But that was her way of being assertive, for standing her ground and making sure she didn’t end up penniless like a lot of the entertainers who were taken advantage of. Whether in love or in life, her songs came from deep emotions and a myriad of deep experiences.   

But she was also a multi-talented original, so her songs also came from her heart and soul, beginning with the gospel songs she sang in her father Reverend C. L. Franklin’s church in Detroit.  Her rendition of “Amazing Grace,” brings me to tears each time. And the miracle is how well she seamlessly blended the gospel and the secular, finding the divinity in each.  She took this blend of gospel and secular on the road with Dr Martin Luther King, Jr. to help with the struggle for civil rights. She didn’t back down from confrontation. “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” became a clarion call both for the civil rights movement and the women’s liberation movement.

I loved Aretha and what she stood for and the news of her death leaves me heartbroken. On the few occasions when Roger and I ran into her at events, I was surprised to find out that she could be shy. Or so she told me. Maybe that was part of her need for privacy; part of her Diva shield. She would get us alone and kick off her shoes, and she became playful and warm and funny. She could give as good as she got, and she loved teasing and catching up on the latest goings-on. It is so hard to say goodbye to someone who feels like they have been a part of your life for so long, even if you know them mainly through their music. I am just “saying a little prayer for her” and thanking her for all of the deeply soulful heart connections she engendered. And I am sending out the most heartfelt condolences to her family. Heaven has a new Queen.

BRIAN TALLERICO

When I was a teenager in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, a suburb of Detroit, I worked in a book store called Metro News Center (it was mostly magazines and newspapers, but also had a healthy supply of new books). I can still remember the first time Aretha Franklin walked through the front door. There was no mistaking who it was. She wasn’t the kind of face you didn’t place. It was as if actual royalty had entered the building. A hush fell over the whole store that felt almost supernatural, as if the world made way for her wherever she went. When I think of the very concept of a celebrity being “larger than life,” I think of that encounter—the Queen of Soul wandering the aisles in a book store and the world stopping to watch her do it. It was unforgettable—although I’d pay a lot of money to remember what books she bought.

The world didn’t just lose a generational musical talent, it lost that increasingly rare degree of celebrity and superstar that can truly justify the title Queen.

OMER MOZAFFAR

She was that older sister who knocked down walls with the sheer will of her personality and the power of her voice.

NELL MINOW

I won’t try to express the greatness of Aretha Franklin with superlatives.  Even the most extravagant would not do her justice. I will just say that beyond that voice, her magnificent instrument, the match of any musical genre or mood, beyond the inerrant musicianship that could take a melody, twist it, stretch it, toss it to the moon and back again without losing a brilliantly shaped note, was her grace as a person and a performer. When she demanded respect, when she told you to think, when she sang, “Mary, Don’t You Weep,” when she stepped in at the last minute to substitute for the foremost tenor of the world, Luciano Pavarotti, to sing his signature aria, Nessun Dorma, everyone who was lucky enough to hear her understood that her real greatness came from the honesty of a true natural woman.

B.J. BETHEL

Aretha Franklin's title of "Queen of Soul" was more than befitting the greatest singer America ever produced. She defended her reign in numerous feuds with other singers and celebrities. But one wonders if she took the title so personal because she was a Queen without a King.

Sam Cooke was more than inspiration for Franklin. The two met when she was 12 and he was in his early 20s.

Cooke died in 1964 after being shot by the manager of a hotel, an incident that still hasn't been wholly investigated and one he family - 50 years later - still wants re-opened.

Cooke was 33 years old when he died but was already dubbed the "King of Soul" for a string of songs and hits that may never be repeated, and a voice that expressed a joy and inspiration that was quite opposite of the hard life he lived.

"A Wonderful World," "Saturday Night," "Twistin' the Night Away," "Chain Gang." were a few of his hits, songs that were all staples of pop and soul music. His talent was equaled only by Franklin.

On Franklin's hit album "I Never Loved a Man the Way I Love You," she covered two of Cooke's songs. "Good Times," and his hit "A Change Is Gonna Come" as the final track on a record that began with "Respect." Pitchfork named the record one of the 10 best of the ‘60s, Rolling Stone had it in a list of top 100 records of all time. Cooke's inspiration was all over it.

What the two could have done if they had both been blowing up the charts at the same time has always been a question hanging in my imagination.

STEVE ERICKSON

When I went out for breakfast this morning at a Manhattan cafe, the radio was tuned to a station playing '80s and '90s R&B and hip-hop. The DJ spoke in between songs about Aretha Franklin's death today and her immense importance in American culture, but at least while I was there the station couldn't be bothered to play any of her actual music. But the artists they did play - Mary J. Blige (one of her most obvious descendants), Anita Baker, even a male singer like Prince - would have sounded much different without the bravery and swagger of her late '60s and early '70s music. "Respect" is just the beginning. Albums like SOUL '69, SPIRIT IN THE DARK and YOUNG, GIFTED & BLACK offer plenty of deep cuts, and a stylistic range that includes rock, jazz, blues and gospel, although she usually just gets summed up as a soul singer. The kind of female African-American rebellion summed up by "Respect" isn't exactly absent from our culture, but it says something about our times that the attitude and struggle represented by her best music and public persona still seem very contemporary.

PETER SOBCZYNSKI

As was probably the case for a lot of people who share my age and general background, my first real exposure to the majesty of Aretha Franklin came from the silver screen. For my ninth birthday, my family went to go see “The Blues Brothers,” a film that I had been champing at the bit after having seen its production virtually take over the Chicago area the previous summer. During the first section, our heroes are jumping bridges, getting blown up, driving through shopping malls, getting smacked by nuns and getting redeemed by the power of James Brown and for a movie-mad kid like me, every frame of it was a delight. Then Jake and Elwood decide to step into a restaurant on the famed Maxwell Street to grab some lunch and, hopefully, their old guitar player and saxophonist. What they run into is a force of nature that not even the combined efforts of all the top visual effects artists in Hollywood could ever hope to equal—a pissed-off Aretha Franklin laying down the law to her husband, the guitarist, via a rendition of “Think,” the 1968 song that she co-wrote with her real life then-husband Ted White. Her performance was volcanic—a show-stopper in the best possible sense—and for the three minutes and change that she is singing, the film essentially shifts in tone from goofy musical comedy to grand opera. Even people who didn’t like the film as a whole—and such miserable creatures do exist—were blown away by that scene and many critics pointed out that one flaw in the film is that when Jake and Elwood leave with their former bandmates, they inexplicably neglected to bring her along as well.

As a result of that movie, I began looking into the R&B/soul legends who populated the soundtrack and whose careers were given a welcome boost as a result of their association with the film, Franklin chief among them. I will admit that there are other people who could better articulate the power of her voice and how it not only revolutionized the music world but proved to be a force of strength in the battles for civil rights and women’s rights. I am not even going to attempt to do that for fear of inadvertently sounding like a character out of a lesser Nick Hornby novel. I will, say, however, that she was an artist who well and truly gave her all with every performance. She could take a dumb song (I’m looking at you, “Freeway of Love”) and usually invest it with far more passion and energy than it deserved so that even the throwaway filler tracks had more life to them than the best efforts of most of her contemporaries. When she had the chance to work on better material—(“You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman” to “Think” (which she would eventually perform in “what would be one of the few highlights in the otherwise dire “Blues Brothers 2000”) to “Nessun Dorma,” the aria from Puccini’s “Turandot” that she famously performed during the 1998 Grammy Awards for millions of viewers, literally at the last minute, after original performer Placido Domingo fell ill—the results were simply exhilarating. She may be gone now in the literal sense but thanks to her musical legacy, the power and presence that she demonstrated every time she stepped up to a microphone will never be diminished.

MATT FAGERHOLM

Some people have you at "hello." Aretha Franklin had me at "Think." Her performance of that iconic tune in "The Blues Brothers" was such an electrifying and hilarious showstopper that it made me a lifelong fan. I received a six-CD boxed set of her greatest hits for Christmas that I listened to throughout my childhood, amazed by the versatility of her genius. Three years ago, she made a surprise appearance at the Kennedy Center Honors, where she paid tribute to Carole King by bringing down the house with "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman." President Obama wept, and I did too. Thank you, Aretha, for your limitless inspiration.

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Dr. Huxtable Has Left The Building…

Originally Published on November 30, 2014 on Eichy Says

For decades, he’s lit up our television screens with his self-deprecating wit…and gotten millions of kids and adults alike addicted to Jell-O pudding pops.

But now, the jig is up for comedian Bill Cosby.  Or, at least, that appears to be the case.

What started as an impulsive and rather offhanded dig made by stand-up comedian Hannibal Buress last month has snowballed into an onslaught of rape allegations from more than twenty women…some of which date back to the 1960s.

Now, Cosby could face civil (or criminal) charges from any of the alleged rapes that took place in New York, since (unlike many other states) the Empire State has no statute of limitations.

His professional legacy took a hard hit in the last month.

NBC has canned a development deal to give Cosby a new half-hour sitcom (that likely would have aired in 2015, and possibly become the last great bulwark of his television legacy).  TV Land yanked syndicated episodes of his 1984-92 sitcom off its schedule entirely.  Netflix has postponed a planned comedy special for Cosby.  And the University of Massachusetts - Amherst asked him to step down as their honorary fundraising co-chairman.

Ordinarily, rape accusations against a highly-revered celebrity would be met with widespread skepticism.  But the sheer number of women coming forward – coupled with the vivid descriptions from the purported victims – indicates that Cosby might not be the innocent party here.

Over the course of 2005 and 2006, Cosby’s legal team helped him settle out-of-court with Andrea Constand, who alleged that the aging comedian drugged and assaulted her at his mansion near Philadelphia in 2004.  Reports have now surfaced that Cosby conspired with the National Enquirer to cover up Constand’s side of the story.

Former celebrity attorney Tamara Green recounted an experience similar to that endured by Constand – only it apparently took place in 1970.  Green had served as a corroboratory witness to Constand’s legal team.  Since Cosby and Constand eventually settled, Green wasn’t in any real position to pursue her own case against him.

Joining Green with her own in-court testimony last decade was ex-model Barbara Bowman, who’d claimed Cosby groped her and spiked her drinks on several occasions throughout the mid-1980s.  Model-turned-teacher Beth Ferrier recounted similar experiences to Bowman’s from during that decade.

Green, Bowman, and Ferrier all served as “Jane Does” during the Cosby/Constand civil trials.

Then, in the aftermath of this past month’s renewed media discussion over the allegations against Cosby, supermodel Janice Dickinson spoke up on November 18, 2014.  Dickinson claims that, in 1982 (while Cosby’s NBC sitcom would have been in development), Cosby slipped her a glass of red wine and a pill after she complained of menstrual cramps.  When Dickinson tried to include a memoir of this experience in her 2002 autobiography, she was dissuaded from doing so by Cosby and his lawyers, and seemingly acquiesced at the risk of being branded a “slut” or “whore.” 

A day later, former comedy writer Joan Tarshis came forward with painful memories of being date-raped by Cosby around the same time Dickinson claims to have been.  Tarshis says she hadn’t spoken out until now because she was “scared” and wanted to “get away from him."  But, in light of the allegations being revived in the past month, Tarshis stated how she believes that breaking her silence would be a way of showing support to any other women who similarly accuse Cosby of molesting them. 

Indeed, on Nov. 20, both Therese Serignese (another of the "Jane Does” in the Constand case) and Louisa Moritz made their voices heard.  Serignese alleges that she had a string of sexual encounters with Cosby beginning in 1976 – and even relied on him for financial support over the years.  Moritz, who appeared on the TV series Love, American Style as well as the films Up in Smoke and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, claims that Cosby sexually accosted her backstage at The Tonight Show in 1971. 

Model-actress Angela Leslie came forward one day later, recounting a 1990 incident in Cosby’s Las Vegas hotel room where he fondled her in a manner similar to those described by previous “Jane Does."  Former talent agency secretary Kristina Ruehli and Picture Pages actress Renita Chaney Hill described beverage-drugging incidents mirroring those that Leslie says she’d experienced. 

In spite of this cascade of allegations against him, no one is saying that Bill Cosby’s contributions should be discounted.  His controversial ”Pound Cake speech“ (made at the May 2004 NAACP Image Awards) – where he railed against ebonics, frivolous spending habits, and single parenthood within the black community – nonetheless got people talking about economic and social issues unique to people of color.

Cosby has also been a devoted steward to the Jazz Foundation of America, instrumental in the cultivation of the organization’s ”A Great Night in Harlem“ benefit concert – which will be entering its fifteenth consecutive year.

But, undoubtedly, Cosby’s greatest contribution to pop culture will be having made us laugh.  After finding marginal success with the 1965-68 spy drama I Spy and his 1969-71 sitcom The Bill Cosby Show, he catapulted NBC back into primetime prominence with The Cosby Show.

Premiering in the Fall of 1984, Cosby portrayed Dr. Cliff Huxtable, a quick-witted upper-middle class Brooklyn obstetrician.  Partnered with his assertive attorney wife, Clair (Phylicia Rashad), Dr. Huxtable guided his brood of five precocious children (along with their assorted friends and extended family members) through the comical travails of life.  Though some would argue that Clair actually "wore the pants” in the Huxtable family, Cliff delivered his lines with an iconic mixture of loving firmness and self-effacing playfulness. 

America loved the Huxtables…and rightfully so.  Their children – Sondra (Sabrina LeBeauf), Denise (Lisa Bonet), Theo (Malcolm-Jamal Warner), Vanessa (Tempestt Bledsoe), and Rudy (Keshia Knight Pulliam) – could be selfish, and, at times, messed up (like any teenagers will be)…but, overall, they possessed good morals and truly cared about each other (and their peers!) as a family. 

Following the end of The Cosby Show (and after his short-lived 1994-95 detective series, The Cosby Mysteries, also on NBC), CBS recruited Cosby to headline another new sitcom, the self-titled Cosby.  Running from 1996 to 2000, Cosby had its star portraying Hilton Lucas, a grouchy airline employee who must navigate the stress of post-retirement life.  Rashad reunited with him to play Hilton’s ever-patient wife, Ruthie; the show also costarred the late Madeline Kahn as Ruthie’s wacky best friend, Pauline.  While much less successful than The Cosby Show, CBS found itself “back on the map” with Cosby after a disappointing prior two seasons of low-rated veteran and freshman series.

In January 1998, CBS gave Cosby his own reality show, Kids Say the Darndest Things – inspired by a classic segment of the same name from Art Linkletter’s House Party throughout the 1950s and 1960s.

Despite all of his (presumed) behavioral sins, there should be no doubt that Cosby enjoys benign interactions with children…and he definitely cared about providing them and their families with “clean” television that would inspire creativity and thoughtfulness amid young minds.

In fact, former Cosby Show costar Raven-Symoné (she played Denise’s stepdaughter, Olivia) firmly denies tabloid-esque accusations that Cosby ever took advantage of her while on the set.  Raven-Symoné lambastes such rumblings as “a disgusting rumor”…as far as it pertains to her own experiences working with Cosby.

So, for a moment, let us pay tribute to some of my own treasured memories of Bill Cosby’s comedic antics.

We all remember Cosby’s iconic TV commercials as a spokesman for Jell-O. In the early-1990s, Cosby did an adorable promo (along with a team of child actors) to advertise “jigglers” (which were fun Jell-O molds made from pre-sold cookie cutters).  The cutest commercial from this promotional campaign featured Cos’ and several kids elegantly dressed up, having fun with their “jigglers” before dining on them at a formal dinner table – culminating with a little Asian girl mischievously grabbing one of the “jigglers” off a fancy platter, to which Cosby leans over and affectionately instructs her to “put that back.”

Cosby on Kids Say the Darndest Things, talking with a group of kids about love, aging, and parents.

Cosby chatting up future Stanford graduate Jeremy Fine on Kids Say.

From the pilot episode of The Cosby Show – Dr. Cliff Huxtable teaches only son Theo a lesson in economics:

Cosby Show early years – Dr. Huxtable tells youngest daughter Rudy an “urban legend” about the-little-girl-who-wouldn’t-eat-her-vegetables.

The Huxtables fake out Cliff on his birthday…later in the episode, they surprise him with a cabaret show performance by Lena Horne, who appears as herself.

Cliff plots to break up oldest daughter Sondra with her steady boyfriend, Elvin, by fixing up Sondra with a “more ideal” suitor.

Clair dispenses some “tough love” to future son-in-law Elvin, while Cliff watches.

The Huxtables teach daughter Vanessa a “fake-out” lesson after Vanessa parties with her friends and gets drunk for the first time.

Rebellious daughter Denise breaks the news to Cliff and Claire that she eloped…and is now married with a new husband and stepdaughter.

Dr. Huxtable receives an educational primer from his new “stepgranddaughter” (Olivia, played by Raven-Simone) about where babies actually come from.

In Cosby’s only interview thus far where addresses these rape allegations, he remains firm in his desire to refuse further discussion on the subject, dismissing them as “innuendos” that are not even worth entertaining.

A previous television interview (featuring Cosby and his wife, Camille), when the issue was brought up by NPR Weekend Edition host Scott Simon, Cosby actually asked Simon to keep the issue quiet by refraining from releasing the footage.  Camille Cosby sat next to her husband…with visibly uncomfortable body language.

I also find it suspect how Cosby hasn’t given any interview to address this snowballing controversy with any Big-Name Journalist out there (be it Barbara Walters, Matt Lauer, or Oprah Winfrey). Given the extent of bad PR that has developed for him, you’d think someone of Cosby’s stature would want to clarify the record and very loudly tell his side of the story…if he was innocent.

This entire reality is so personally saddening for me, because I’ve always enjoyed Cosby’s subtle brand of humor in scripted television.  In fact, I would always joke how my late maternal grandfather was “the white Bill Cosby” (due to my grandpa’s Cosby-like delivery of commentary, along with his eerie tendency to dress like Hilton Lucas).

While I understand that none of us should have a romanticized view of Cosby (or any other celebrity, for that matter), seeing his life torn apart in this manner really, really hurts.

I’ve known at least a couple of people who’ve encountered Cosby personally, while working behind-the-scenes to facilitate his occasional comedy shows at my old alma mater (the University of Wisconsin - Eau Claire). These accounts have suggested that Cosby, even when he’s interacting with someone whom he doesn’t find sexually desirable, can have a tendency to behave in a disrespectful, crude, and/or belittling manner. Of course, he’ll hide behind the cloak of simply “trying to be funny”…and those on the receiving end might be inclined to give “America’s Favorite Dad” the benefit of the doubt, in such moments of starstruck awe.

Even if Cosby is 100% innocent (which I seriously doubt) of all these allegations…he would have a responsibility to defend himself on behalf of all of his fans who’ve admired him for decades…not to mention all of the other actors and actresses whose own careers will be perpetually linked to his.

How long before Phylicia Rashad can’t go out anywhere because everyone in the media is pestering her about her thoughts on the scandal?  Or likewise for Lisa Bonet, since her professional relationship with Cosby was rumored to have been extremely tumultuous.

Is NBC going to pull the long-delayed upcoming edition of Celebrity Apprentice due to Keshia Knight Pulliam’s presence on it?

And, while I can understand NBC canceling Cosby’s development deal (and Netflix’s postponement of the comedy special), I do find TV Land pulling Cosby Show reruns entirely from its schedule to be a little bit too much.

If the ratings for those syndicated airings had already dropped significantly, then I could understand doing it.  But yanking The Cosby Show as a preemptive measure…that’s a gratuitous overreaction!  Let us have our fond memories of Dr. Huxtable and his affable brood, please.

My guess is that all of these women are going public because they want justice achieved.  So Cosby needs to ask himself:  “What would Cliff Huxtable do?”

If he is guilty of any of these crimes, Cosby needs to come clean and apologize to the victims.  He should ask for their forgiveness (as well as that of his fans, colleagues, and family), and offer to make restitution.  It wouldn’t even need to be multimillion dollar checks to anyone who’s made allegations…his “reparations” could be in the form of philanthropic resources for victims of rape and domestic violence.

And if he isn’t actually guilty, then he needs to do a Walters or Lauer or Winfrey interview.  Stat!

Cosby should also ask the media to be respectful of his former costars and his own family.  If media whores overstep their bounds by harassing anyone who has been remotely associated with Cosby, public opinion will shift toward forgiveness of him.

These actions (or lack thereof) would speak loudly to Cosby’s true character, and help to at least partially restore his now-tainted legacy.