#the one w the car. i am looking away you are the unloved child

[charliespoorasshole]

OUAT gifset per episode 1x01: “Pilot”

[raindancer2004]

Unloved and Unwanted?

Word Count: 3,395 Felix x Reader Part One. Warnings: Fluff Angst

Y/N was 17 years old when her entire life changed; her mother Molly died in a car accident and she found herself in Forks living with her father Charlie Swan, who she had never met.  Charlie was shocked when he got a phone call from Child Services advising him about Y/N as he didn’t know she even existed. This made it hard for Charlie to accept her; as a result he struggled to build relationship with Y/N once she arrived in Forks. Charlie and Sue were busy working and planning their wedding; leaving little time to help Y/N settle in.

Bella had already moved out as she was married to Edward Cullen and they had a daughter Renesmee. Bella did not make an effort to meet her younger half-sister, choosing to ignore her.

Y/N didn’t make any friends at her new school either, she went almost unnoticed there. She felt truly alone and it only made her miss her mom even more, especially as they had been very close before the accident.

One Saturday morning Bella dropped Renesmee off at Charlie’s for a visit but didn’t stay herself as she had things to do. After a few hours Charlie was called into the station due to an emergency and as Y/N was home he asked her to keep an eye on Renesmee. This surprised Y/N as she had only met Renesmee briefly a few times as she was not included in ‘family time’ during Renesmee’s visits. This led to Y/N staying in her room during Renesmee’s visits as to not be in the way. In fact Y/N stayed in her room even when Renesmee wasn’t around for the same reason.

Y/N and Renesmee baked chocolate chips cookies and watched a few Disney films together, before Charlie came home with take out. Y/N had dinner with them that night but only because Renesmee asked her to join them. Charlie did not engage Y/N in conversation other than to ask about what she and Renesmee did whilst he was at work.

That night when Renesmee got home she told her family about the time she spent with Y/N; how much she liked her and that she felt sorry for her as she had lost her mom. This conversation prompted Bella to finally decide to meet Y/N; six months after she had moved to Forks.

This decision prompted Alice to have a vision;

Y/N was in Italy with the Volturi; more specifically with Felix, one of the elite guards. They didn’t look happy together either with Felix leaving Y/N alone in her room and making his way to the throne room for guard duty.

Felix spending his evenings with Demetri and Santiago playing cards or playing on his computer console with other members of the guard when not on guard duty at night.

Y/N’s room was not very big and was barely decorated and the only visitors she got other than Felix was Gianna, who bought her meals every day, Heidi and Demetri who check in on her.

Edward saw the vision as it happened and knew what he had to; for this solved a problem for everyone, Y/N would leave Forks and live in Volterra. He filled his siblings and Bella in on the plan and they all agreed. “She’ll be someone’s else’s problem soon, Charlie still isn’t warming to the idea of having another daughter around” Edward told them, having read Charlie’s mind the last time he was over there “Bella, you need to befriend Y/N and bring her over so we can inform her about Vampires; the Volturi and her mate” Bella agreed instantly.

Bella met with Y/N at Charlie’s a few days later “Hello Y/N, I’m Bella. I’m sorry for not coming over sooner to meet you” “Hi Bella, that’s ok. It’s nice to finally meet you” Y/N replied “Yeah you too. How are you settling in?” Bella asked “I’m settling in ok, thanks” Y/N lied.

They spent the afternoon talking to each other attempting to get to know one another. Y/N couldn’t help feeling suspicious of Bella; wondering why she came over to meet her and why she was being nice to her after ignoring her the last six months.

The following Friday Bella called and invited Y/N over to the Cullen house “Hello Y/N, I hope you are ok. I’m calling to invite you over tomorrow. I think it would be nice for you to meet Edwards’s siblings” “Err, ok thanks. Sounds nice, thank you” Y/N relied. The following morning Bella drove to Charlie’s and picked up Y/N and bought her back to the main house. When they arrived Bella introduced her to everyone “Y/N this is my husband Edward” She said pointing to Edward “Hello Edward, it’s nice to meet you” Y/N greeted “You too Y/N” Edward smiled “These are my siblings Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice” He continued; they all smiled and said hello to Y/N and she did the same in return. “My father Carlisle is at the hospital and my mother Esme has taken Renesmee out for the day. Hopefully you’ll meet them next time” Edward added.  

Neither Carlisle nor Esme knew of Edward’s plan or the other’s involvement as they all knew that they wouldn’t agree with or support their plan.

They all sat down in the family room and explained to Y/N that they were vampires and that they feed off of animals instead of humans; hence their golden eyes. They explained that vampires have something called a ‘mate’; one person they would love, protect and spend an eternity with. They also explained that Rose and Emmett were mates; as were Jasper and Alice, Edward and Bella and lastly Carlisle and Esme. Alice explained that her, Jasper, Edward and Bella had ‘gifts’ and explained which each one was. Y/N nodded trying to take in the information so far

Emmett went onto explain about the Volturi who lived in Italy; how they were the rulers of the vampire world enforcing the laws, one of which was that humans were not allowed to know of their existence. “Why have you told me then?” Y/N asked confused. “We have told you about vampires because Alice has had a vision and it showed you with your mate; who is an elite Volturi guard” Edward answered. “What does that mean for me?” She asked “It means that you would need to go to Volterra to be with him. If they came here to check on Renesmee and found out that we knew you were the mate of one of their guards and we didn’t tell them; they would kill us and take you to Italy forcibly” Edward continued. “What is the guard I’m mated to like?” She asked. The Cullen siblings and Bella looked at each other before Rosalie answered her “He is known for being the strongest vampire in the world and has killed many vampires and humans alike” Shock flashed across Y/N’s face at hearing this “The Volturi do not like humans much; seeing them as not much more than their food source. So the news of one of their elite guards being mated to a human will not go down well” Rosalie continued. “He will likely reject you as his mate as you’re human” Bella added “I-If he is to reject me…why does he need to know about me?” Y/N asked. Noone answered her straight away, again looking at each other silently deciding who would answer her.

“As I said before, they would kill us if they found out we kept you from your mate. We can’t and won’t risk our lives for you” Edward replied rather matter of factly; Y/N said nothing. “You need to know more about your mate” Bella added and Y/N nodded, waiting for someone to continue.

“The Volturi do not usually allow newborns in the castle; however, they will make an exception for you…” “What do you mean newborns?” Y/N cut Edward off sounding confused “Newborns are what newly turned vampires are called” Bella answered her, Y/N nodded “You’ll spend your newborn years in the dungeon and provided your mate remembers you’re down there; you’ll more than likely be taken to a room in one of the towers…where you will spend your eternity once you’re no longer a newborn” Edward informed her “W-Why did you say if he remembered I was in the dungeon?” She asked a little worried “Edward means there are vampires that have been down in the dungeons for decades if not centuries. They kinda get forgotten about” Alice replied quickly “So if I am to be rejected, why would he keep me in the castle?” Y/N asked feeling confused. Jasper answered her this time “Once he meets you the mate bond will kick in and he will feel protective of you and will need to know that you are safe. If a vampire loses their mate they become heartbroken and overtime they fall into a deep depression and he won’t want that; the Volturi leaders won’t want that either as he is too valuable to them. This will still apply even after his rejection of you” “Oh” Was all Y/N could say.

“Some of the Volturi are gifted too, so you won’t be able to run and hide either as they have the world’s best tracker and they will send him after you and he will find you and drag you back to Volterra kicking and screaming if he has to. You’ll also see the cruel side of your mate too if you were to run from him” Emmett added; all of them being careful not to reveal Y/N’s mate’s name. “You leave for Volterra in three days. We have already bought you a ticket and to ensure you actually get there I will accompany you” Edward says. “So I don’t have a choice in this?” Y/N asked “No you don’t!” Bella said sharply. “Edward I don’t think going to Volterra with another human is a good idea. We have letters for her and Aro; I think it’s best if she goes alone” Alice says looking at Edward, who nods “Fine, but I’m taking her to the airport regardless. I’ll pick you up at 8pm Tuesday Y/N” Y/N just nods in response. Y/N made sure to not think about how she felt about this around Edward knowing that he may be able to read her mind.

Later that night Y/N started packing a few things for her trip and couldn’t help her thoughts ‘I find out I have a soulmate; someone who’s supposed to love me forever, only to find out that he won’t want me. He’ll just reject me and lock me away forever. I don’t know why I’m so surprised that someone else who is supposed to love me doesn’t. It’s the story of my life recently, being unwanted and unloved. It’s bad enough I have to stay here with Charlie who doesn’t want me around.’ Tears slipped down her cheeks at the thought of being unloved, unwanted and locked away forever, just to be forgotten about. She cried herself to sleep that night.  

The following morning Charlie opens a letter informing him that Y/N has been accepted into an Art college in Italy and that she is due there in a few days. Alice had put the letter together as a cover story for Y/N to leave Forks. “Morning, Y/N. This came yesterday after I left for work; it’s an acceptance letter for an Art college in Italy. They need you there in a few days so you should get packing” Charlie said smiling as Y/N entered the kitchen “Oh ok, I’ll-I’ll do that” Y/N couldn’t believe the Cullens had faked a letter to get her to Italy; clearly they wanted her gone and soon.

A few days later Edward dropped Y/N off at the airport “Here this is a letter for Aro; make sure to give it to him when you arrive at the castle. This letter is for you to read on the plane, it’s basically tells you what we told you the other night. When you arrive a car will be waiting to take you Volterra. Safe flight” He gets back in the car and drives away leaving Y/N at the airport alone.

Y/N sits on the plane reading the letter addressed to her; and it’s a repeat of the information she was told a few days ago. She thought about not going to Italy but figured the Cullens will know if she doesn’t arrive or they’ll call Aro to check that she arrived so it’s probably just easier to go voluntarily rather than be chased down by the Volturi’s tracker and incur the wrath of her mate.

The plane lands and Y/N makes her way through to the airport to the waiting car “Miss Y/S/N?” The man asks “Yes, you’re taking me to Volterra?” Y/N replies “Yes miss. Get in the car please” The man says placing her case in the trunk. Y/N is dropped off just outside of the town square “The castle is just up there; you can’t miss it as there’s a huge fountain in the middle of the square” “Thank you” Y/N said taking her case from the driver.

Y/N made her way to the town square and sat down on the fountain trying to get the courage up to walk into a castle full of vampires; knowing that once she’s inside she’ll never be allowed to leave. Unknown to Y/N she is being watched by Heidi who has stepped outside of the castle to see if there are any tourists around that she can add to the ‘castle tour’ scheduled for tomorrow. With her enhanced sight Heidi notices that Y/N holding an envelope in her hands whilst looking at the castle and after about an hour Heidi makes her way over to Y/N “Are you ok?” She asks sitting beside her “I think so” Y/N replies sounding unsure. “I’m Heidi by the way, so what brings you to Volterra?” Y/N notices Heidi’s eyes are a lilac colour and her skin is pale but looks perfect, just like the Cullens “I’m Y/N. I’ve been sent here to meet my mate, not that he’s going to happy about it. In fact I’ve been told that…he won’t want me” Y/N says looking down handing Heidi her letter “It’s all explained in here”

Heidi takes the letter reading it and it explains that Y/N is mated to one of the elite guards and as soon as she reads ‘he is the strongest vampire in the world’ she knows who Y/N’s mate is. Heidi frowns as she continues to read the letter as she doesn’t like what she is reading. It is depicting Felix as cruel when he is actually kind despite him coming across as intimidating due to his physical appearance. She also knows that Felix would his love his mate whether she be human or vampire as he has been waiting a long time to meet her and would be hurt if he knew that his mate thought of him this way. “Who gave you this letter?” Heidi asks sounding a little upset “Edward Cullen handed me this letter at the airport for me to read to remind me about what awaits me upon landing here. I also have another letter for Aro” She tells Heidi “How come you showed me this letter?” Heidi asks “You are a vampire and I’m guessing you live in the castle” Y/N replies “How did you…” Y/N cuts Heidi off “You have pale skin like the Cullens and you came from the direction of the castle and you didn’t seem surprised when I mentioned the word ‘mate’ nor when you were reading the letter” “Huh, very true. Would you like me to take you inside to meet Aro?” Heidi asks “I’m not sure if I’m ready to go in just yet” Y/N replies quietly “Ok I’ll wait with you until you’re ready” “Thank you Heidi.” Y/N gives Heidi a small smile. After an hour of sitting on the fountain making small talk Heidi and Y/N make their way into the castle; Heidi taking Y/N’s hand in hers “Do not let go of my hand Y/N” “Ok” Y/N nods.

Once inside the castle Heidi heads straight to the reception desk “Hi Gianna, this is Y/N. I need you to take this to Aro for me please” Heidi says handing her a quick note asking to meet with him, Caius and Marcus and minimal guards as she has a delicate matter to discuss. Heidi and Y/N wait in reception for Gianna to return “Heidi, Y/N, Aro is ready for you and the guards have been dismissed except for Jane and Demetri” Heidi was pleased Felix wouldn’t be in the room during this conversation.

They arrive at throne room “Good afternoon masters” Heidi greets them with a smile “Heidi so good to see you and you have bought a human with you” Aro replies curious. “There is a very good reason for that. This is Y/N and she has a letter for you from the Cullens” Caius’ attention is piqued when he hears the Cullens name mentioned. “May I see the letter please my dear?” Aro asks “Of course” Y/N responds handing the letter over. Y/N and Heidi watch Aro’s facial expressions as he reads the letter and he doesn’t seem happy. “What’s in the letter brother?” Caius asks impatiently; Aro extends his arm holding out the letter for him. “Y/N my dear, when did you learn about us?” Aro asks “A few days ago, I was invited to the Cullen’s house and Edward, his siblings and Bella informed me about vampires, the Volturi and…mates” She answered “Do you know who your mate is?” Caius interjects “Not exactly. I only know that he is one of the elite guards…and is known for being the strongest vampire in the world. Also that he along with the rest of you don’t like humans much…there-therefore he won’t want me…as his mate. I’ve been told that I will be rejected and locked away” Y/N replies not looking at Caius “WHAT?!” Caius screams; Heidi and Y/N flinch at this, Heidi grips Y/N’s hand in a comforting gesture. Y/N’s comment also gains Marcus’ attention whilst Jane and Demetri look on curiously.  

Caius storms down the steps to stand beside Aro “If you know you are to be rejected why did you come here?” Aro asks gently “Edward told me if you found out that they knew I was the mate of one of your guards and they didn’t tell you; you would kill them…and bring me here by force. He said they wouldn’t risk their lives for me. They also said that if I were to run and hide…you-you would send the world’s best tracker after me; who would find me and…bring me here…kicking and screaming if needed and…I would incur the wrath of my mate…who can be rather cruel. I-I figured it was just easier to come here willingly” She replied quietly looking down. Demetri felt himself get a little angry hearing that the Cullens had used him to threaten the human girl into coming to Volterra. “You mentioned being locked away, what do you mean by this?” Caius asked confusion clearly showing on his face “Edward told me that you do not usually allow newborns in the castle; however, you will make an exception for me…that I’d spend my newborn years in the dungeon and…provided my mate remembers I’m down there; he’ll come and get me… lock me away in the tower where I’ll spend eternity once I’m no longer a newborn”

A look of shock crossed the faces of the three kings as well as Jane’s and Demetri’s upon hearing this. “I want you know that I don’t intend to object to the rejection” Y/N added. “Why would you accept the rejection child?” Marcus asks curiously joining his brothers at the bottom of the steps “Not being wanted is not a new thing for me. I’m not going to make someone be with me if they don’t want to be. I have no intention of messing up his life just because I’m not wanted back home either” Y/N replied looking at Marcus, who gave her a small smile.

‘Poor beautiful, broken girl.’ Heidi thought to herself listening to this last part.

[flyhighbrokenheart]

October 12, 2020 Monday 12:57AM

Today(Sunday) has been a rough one. Almost started crying at church bc I thought about the lady who asked me to look into her phone camera for a picture back in 1st/2nd grade for an assembly performance. I couldn’t stop thinking about her because I thought she was my mom. For awhile, I thought I was adopted and tried everything to find evidence that I was adopted. I guess that was the first time I felt kind of important, even if it was a stranger. Maybe it was just a hired photographer or just a mother for another child standing right next to me. But it felt nice to felt like I made someone proud to have me. knew my dad was there because he said he was going to be there, but I didn’t see him. Ever since I never really thought about it again. I never once thought of emotionally absent parents. I thought I was fine until my 22nd birthday. My uncle decided to throw a party for me and him. His birthday is also in September and nobody’s ever thrown me a party before, let alone got me a cake with candles besides my boyfriend on my 21st birthday with w cake and candles. I felt so loved because my uncle thought of me. Picture time and gift opening time came and I had 2 gifts. My uncle had tons and i started feeling a little unloved. He was opening gifts after gifts, letters after letters and I thought why am I here? Is this to torture me? My godmom gave me a gift bag with a $20 bill inside and my uncle’s wife(my aunt) just handed me a $20 bill while she gave him so much love. I felt so lonely and such an outlier. I didn’t feel like I belonged because everybody loved my uncle, and then there was me. I started pulling away because I didn’t want to cry so my uncle tried including me although the knew they were there mostly for him. My godmom told me to get up there with her present and nobody wanted to take a picture with me. Nobody wanted to take a picture of me. I guess this my uncles friend felt bad so he said “my child, look here I’m taking a picture of you.” I wanted to run to the bathroom and cry. I thought, he didn’t even know me so why decide to show some affection? I immediately felt a bond with him because how damage do I have to be to care about somebody who shows the slightest bit of affection even if it’s out of pity? I thought how nice it must be to have him as a dad, to make you feel so loved. How lucky are his kids. And then I went to my boyfriends house for our anniversary. Towards the end he was annoyed and mean. I didn’t understand. I just asked if he could help me with my assignment. In the car I just explained how it made me sad the way he talked to me and he kept saying Why was I upset even though I had said I wasn’t upset and that it just made me sad. He said to look up the definition of upset because that’s what it means and it made me even sadder, makes me feel like I’ll never be able to talk to him. I don’t know who he is. One minute he’s this kind, patient, loving guy and the next he’s this rude, belittling, snappy guy. I don’t know who he is. I’m sorry for everything I did to make him like that. I’m just so broken. My heart hurts so bad again and again and again. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

[u-f-o-no]

it's 1:30am. I'm tired I guess but not tired enough to really sleep. I meant to go eat something a couple hours ago but I haven't felt like it since my dad crumpled up my dinner and threw it off the porch because he was mad at me. I'm really lonely I guess but I also hate everyone right now so I don't know what that means or what to do. I was trying to get over a dislike of someone but then today i got back a peer review by them and all of the comments were the things I hate about myself. I don't feel like living anymore and I don't think there's anything anyone can do about it. I miss Sam. I hope he's doing okay in the hospital or w/e. I wish I could be with him. It'd probably be good for me. Today I was talking to Emily and everyone else in class heard me but her bc she never listens to me and she was probably texting Rachel. I don't know why I'm not good enough for these people?? They're not good enough for me so why the hell am I not good enough for them? I'm so tired and sad. I doubt my depression is a chemical imbalance anymore. I think my life just sucks ass. Which makes me feel ungrateful bc I'm not dying of typhoid fever or malaria or w/e. The comments he put weren't even like bad things you just don't understand what I was thinking you don't fucking know what it's like to be me. I have so many thoughts all the time and you may not have had an original thought in your life. He still gets into better colleges than me. People like him. He's not fucking depressed or dysphoric or a coward. He didn't drop out of ap physics. I should have taken a shower. I don't even know what I did today. I have no clue. I really should go to the hospital but I'm so scared of missing school and not graduating because I know I'm not going to kill myself because I'm scared which will make things worse. I have flashbacks to unsettling surreal dreams all the time now. It knocks me off my feet for a moment but I'm good at not letting it show so no one knows. I don't want to dream anymore. Some of them are cool but mostly they're bad. I downloaded a dream journal app but I've only made one entry because my dreams are so weird and multiplanar that I can't write them or even really describe them. I should have therapy twice a week at least but I feel bad because they're paying so much money. The only way for me to get real honest to God attention for my illness is to make an attempt on my life. I'd love to personally but I hate pain. I have enough of it as it is. I'm so guilty what the fuck. I don't have anything to be guilty about but I am anyway so I'm angry All the Time. No one cares enough to tell me it's not my fault and even if they did would I believe them? I don't even know what It is at this point but it's my fault. That doesn't even make sense why do I feel like this???! because I'm not going to kill myself I feel like I shouldn't be hospitalized and I'm guilty about faking being as bad as Sam or something like that. All my dad ever does is tell me I'm hurting him even though he's hurt me for years. Whenever he asks me what he's done wrong I forget everything like when someone asks you your favorite book and you suddenly forget everything you've ever read. That makes me feel guilty because I can't find anything bad that he's done and so I internalize his words and I have a little voice now that's his voice that screams Your Fault! every second of the day. I want it to stop. I want them to stop yelling at me. When I say this it sounds like I'm some kid who thinks being psychotic is cool and is like "yeah I hear voices" and that makes me feel guilty. idk tho bc I don't like think they're hidden spirits or anything i know they're coming from somewhere inside me but I didn't choose them so? I just want to fucking know what it feels like to be supported. No one person knows both the depth of my mental illness and the lengths of my identity. I allot different tidbits to different friends so that I never have anyone know me fully. I feel so guilty about being trans. Like I'm crazy or losing my mind or that it's just another mental illness I have. But I know it would be worse if I told people because they would think it's a mental illness. My mom would say "gender confused" and I would cry because that's how I felt my whole life until I realized I was this way. My dad would never look at me the same again and pray for me to go back and still tell me he loves me more than all the stars in the sky. And that would really fuck me up because for years all I've been shown is hate in the name of love and it's fundamentally broken me as a functioning human being. I can't stand physical contact because I'm so nervous. I'm so scared I'm going to mess it up and they're going to hate me. The other day my dad moved really quickly and I went into shock because I thought he was going to hit me. He continued like nothing happened but I thought I was going to cry. I was just in the car on the way to church. I rip whole tufts of my hair out now. We're almost at the two year anniversary of me asking to get my hair cut. It took a lot of courage to ask which shows that i really wanted it. I was shut down so quickly and with such contempt I've been scared to share anything about myself ever since. If he wouldn't let me style the dead protein strands on my head the way I want, no way was he going to be accepting of anything in my life besides what he wanted. I hate myself so fully now it's incredible. I used to be the most confident kid in class and now I just radiate self loathing underneath my suave exterior. And by suave like, doesn't have it together but is cool with that. I don't know. I guess I just wish people could see all this about me, but also I don't because I'm already so vulnerable this would make me ashamed and easily exploitable. Shame and guilt are things I should not be feeling and I know it. I'm so angry that the people in my life have driven me to this kind of state. But nevertheless I can't get past it. I'm just a scared kid. In fact, while many are fantasizing about getting old or married or what have you I'm fantasizing about getting to relive my childhood as my "new" or "preferred" or whatever the fuck You want to call it gender. I dream of being adopted by two nice men who love each other and teach me how to love. They are always supportive of me no matter what and comfort me when I need it. What's really fucked up is sometimes this is the only thing that gets me through the day. It's exactly like mr robot. Elliot creates a mental image of his dead father to comfort him because his body cannot handle the loneliness. It's 2am now. I guess I've vented a lot. I can't seem to make myself do anything. I'm in a rut. And I felt good on Sunday. That makes me feel like a fake too. Like I'm just being dramatic about school but I'm fine all other times. Which still isn't true but these things haunt me. No matter how many times I hear "you're valid uwu" I'm still going to hate myself and I'm still going to question. Crazy thing is I'll probably still go to school tomorrow. I'll sit in band class and stare blankly at the other wall dreaming about what my haircut might look like, or things that I'll wear when I look more like a boy. I'll smile at people around me and make sassy comments. I'll pay attention to all the crazy things nick says and think about playing trombone. Alyssa will laugh at something I say. I'll try to make eye contact with Emily when something happens even though I'm mad at her and she hates me. She won't notice and I'll feel stupid and unloved. Mr flood might give me a compliment if I do something well and it'll be the highlight of my day. He'll make a funny joke or say something odd and Alyssa will laugh again and I'll smile fondly. My heart is filled with such love it's absolutely horrible that anything like this has been allowed to happen. On the underneath of the rotting cool girl is a little boy who just wants to be held. Sometimes I call mr flood dad when he's out of earshot. I do that for mr Higdon occasionally too. They smile at me so bright and tell me I'm wonderful and delightful and compliment me on silly things that somehow make my day better even though I don't really care about them. I have dreams where I'm maybe three feet tall with fluffy blonde hair and I'm sort of hunched over trying to be small and unnoticeable and I'm crying and the tears are running down my face but I'm only sniffling, because I taught myself not to cry loudly a long time ago. I rub my eyes with my little child's hands and look up hesitantly to where I see a man standing, bending over slightly to talk to me. he looks sad but understanding and opens up his arms. I'm not sure if I'll go but then I think about being held above the ground away from my problems and I just run straight for them. As I land, I am lifted it up into a string, warm embrace. I feel safe for the first time I can remember. My arm is around his neck and one clings to his back. I bury my face between his shoulder and neck into the soft fabric there. And then I cry. I cry for a long time as the man plants gentle kisses in my hair and whispers soft unintelligible things. He rubs my back carefully and I feel myself relax. There is no tension in my childlike body. Bliss. My wildest dream is to have a loving father like that. Which makes me slightly sick. I understand Harry Potter visiting the mirror of erised so often now. Those desires are truly powerful, and those who already have strong relationships may avoid its allure easier. It's almost 2:30 I think my dad came home but that doesn't sound right. I never know when he's leaving. I'm scared just sitting here. I'm afraid he'll come in I'm afraid of the rodents in the ceiling falling on me and I'm afraid of the endlessness represented by the passing train. This whole existence feels like a cycle I can't break. Every day is blurred together. Every moment. I don't even know now if I've already written this. I do know I hate the noises of the nighttime. It is a time when we are more keenly aware of our aloneness and of all the tiny noises that lurk behind every day bustle. Humans have long been fascinated by the night. It stands as a place of unknowing, where danger can lurk easily. It used to be my greatest fear. Not the night it's self I told my mother, but the robbers in the dark. I'm so much more paranoid now, and I'm told it may be a side effect of the depression manifesting in a sort of pseudo-psychosis. Good to know not even my psychosis is real. Which makes me feel like I'm faking it. Seriously I'm about to go out of mind these squirrels sound like they're going to pounce on me at any second and while I'd like to die; not like that.