#the one (1) time i broke this rule i was constantly misgendered

[destroyusall]

tfw you want personalised tips on how to start your transition but harrassment campaigns against trans people online has tailored the urge to never talk about your agab

[tequilajones]

I need to vent

I'm having one of my depressive episodes and my dad said that I may have to take a year off school to get help (I'm working on a bachelor's degree and he's the only way I can afford college). It sounds like I might have to go to a psych ward, probably sometime in the summer or next year. I've been geeting therapy these past few months and I don't feel any changes in my mental health. I really don't want to go to a psych ward because the idea of someone constantly watching over me sounds like my worst nightmare. I can't waive over my wellbeing to anyone but I feel I might have to. I don't want to give up internet (I have a long distance relationship and lots of internet friends) and personal freedom.

The problem is that I suffer from general anxiety disorder and depression. Today I could barely move and just felt like shit. Snapping at my dad when he invited me over for dinner and then having to explain to him why I snapped made things worse.

He has no idea how this shit works. He got angry when I told him how I was feeling and how I could barely get out of bed. He thinks it's because I ate a cheeseburger for lunch and slept from 2am to 12:30pm and that I need to go on a diet/excercise as well as sleep from 11pm-7am instead in order to "cure" my depression. I may not know what triggered my depression today but I know for a fact my diet and sleep schedule had nothing to do it.

I was diagnosed in High School and when I moved upstate for school, I had a prescription for 50 mg of Zoloft. To be honest, I only felt a bit better on meds, not a whole lot.

When I transferred schools, I had to get a new doctor and I've seen him for 2 weeks now so I am still in the evaluation process.

I only see my therapist on Fridays so I have to wait to discuss with her what I should do. My dad wants significant change ASAP or I won't be going to college next semester. I guess I could try pretending that I'm all better now and hope I can fake it long enough to get a degree by time I'm 25. That's important for me. All I want is to be completely independant. Nothing else matters as much. In order for that I want to get my degree and work full time in the film industry ASAP. Ideally as a film producer, but as long as I can afford to move from NY to LA and live there without sacrificing too much, I'd be happy.

I am considering admitting myself though despite the fear. At least I wouldn't have to worry too much about classes and such but I'm scared college would look like a walk in the park compared to a psych ward.

For starters, I like my privacy. I am a trans man who's introverted. I NEED my own space. I live in a single dorm because of this. I could handle living with people if I had my own room. I've had roommates and even though they were good people, it felt like a breath of fresh air when they would leave for the weekend or have a late class. The idea of being monitored 24/7 makes me think of 1984 and it's a dystopian novel for a reason.

2, I need to access the internet and my phone. I'm not addicted, I just don't want to cut off contact with people in my life who I care deeply about but are miles away. My boyfriend lives in New Mexico and I live in New York. We can only see each other through social media and video calls. I doubt the psych ward would let me keep my phone or my laptop for this.

3, my only points of reference are One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest (movie, idk what year), American Horror Story Asylum and various stories shared online (even the positive ones make my stomach drop).

4, I have a slight phobia of hospitals. My mom died of breast cancer in one and I want to avoid hospitals more than the average person.

5, I have been raised by a control freak father. It's been hell. I hate being told what to do. The idea of someone having complete control over me is my actual worst nightmare. The only thing keeping me sane now is when I CAN break and bend the rules. I want freedom more than anything else. Freedom from my controlling father, freedom from my mental illnesses and freedom from being a broke college kid.

6, I'm transgender. This is a whole other can of worms. Lot of people consider that a mental illness. I don't wanna be locked up because I'm a dude in a chick's body. Also I hate being forced to room with girls. I'm a feminist and I have lots of girl friends but it's kinda frustratint when I, a guy, has to share a room with a girl because we share the same type of genitalia. It's basically the estanlishment misgendering me and I hate it. So unless my roommate is also a trans guy, it could be awkward.

7, even if I voluntarily admit myself, I can't easily walk out. If the place turns out to be a hellhole, I might not be able to say "y'know what, fuck this, I'm outta here". Legally they could keep me there til the day I die, against my will. I'm gonna need a shit ton of trust if I choose to go through with this.

Those are the reasons why I DON'T WANT to go to a psych ward. But here are the reasons why I might HAVE TO.

1, I'm always stressed out. The only thing that helps is having hyperfixations on shit like kpop and/or video games (mainly assassin's creed).

2, I might have a mania problem. I've always been impulsive but this year, I've been going to 1 concert per month and as great as I feel about going to these concerts and having fun. In retrospect, I'm starting to think going to concerts every month to give me something to look forward to might not actually be healthy, not to mention expensive, especially when I make $11/hr at a job that's lately been giving me 4 hours per week shifts. Sure, my dad pays for most of my necessary expenses but I need to learn how to be frugal. And this isn't helping my already bad impulse-spending habit.

3, when I am having a depressed episode, I can barely get out of bed and it has caused problems for me that I want to prevent in the future. I already flunked out of one school because I was too depressed to go to classes, I can't afford to do the same here or when I start working full time. I gotta get this shit under control asap.

4, while I'm not suicidal (not as appealing when you believe in reincarnation), wanting to completely disappear from existence is still pretty shitty.

5, when it comes to mental health, I have no idea what the everloving fuck I'm doing. I want to get better and I AM going to therapy but it doesn't feel like it's enough. I need help. As much as I hate to admit it, I need help. I really do. I just don't know what else I can do to get better.

I know I made this to get it off my chest and help me rationalize all the thoughts going on in my head. But if you have any other ideas or advice/recommendations, please pm them to me. I'm actually scared.

[airagorncharda]

I had top surgery yesterday! 

update below the cut!

I seem to be fine every time I’m awake, although I’m napping a LOT (a good thing).

They had to intubate me for the surgery, so my throat’s a little sore, and my sides are sore, especially where the drains are in, but I’m already off the oxi (it was making me nauseous) and onto Tylenol and Advil, taking as prescribed. 

My post from a few days ago had a bunch of concerns and excitements, so here’s an update:

Issue #1 - my parents being at the hospital WAS stressful but also good. They asked a lot of questions but they also got a lot of answers that seemed to ease their minds, and they were able to be helpful when I was coming out of it. 

Issue #2 - I had to be very very clear with the Dr (Dr Pranay Parikh) that retaining nipple sensation was such a priority for me. He indicated right before the surgery that in order to do that I might end up with a B cup, aka it would be more of a reduction than a removal, which I was pretty stressed and sad about. But I communicated what my priorities were (nipple sensation, passing WHILE CLOTHED, not having breasts anymore) and he really listened. 

And then the surgery went absolutely perfectly apparently, and as far as I can tell my chest LOOKS how I wanted AND I kept sensitivity, so I’m just over the moon about how this has gone. Literally everything I wanted. 

Issue #3 - I still can’t cuddle my cats but my fiance has been holding the up for me to pet them and give them kisses a couple times, and the one that usually spends most of her time in our room is hanging out in here on a leash so she can’t get too close but also isn’t being exiled or feeling unloved It’s good.

Issue #4 - The Dr was really good about not assuming pronouns or anything, which was a relief. I do USE he/him pronouns, but the repetition of “No assumptions!” from him made me feel like I COULD have told him I’m nonbinary without it being an issue.

My fiance’s mom did say something like “Now you’re a man!!” which was a little frustrating, but she’s a lady who’s very supportive and was trying to say the right thing so... her heart’s in the right place at least. I think out of anyone saying it, I’m least bothered by it being her, because I know what she was trying to say. Other people saying the same thing would have felt like they were saying that transition makes gender, or that I must be binary, but from her it was just her fumbling over how to say “this is what you wanted!! :)” so it’s whatever.

Issue #5 - Too early to have any opinions or updates about this one yet.

Issue #6 - Still true, but only a mild annoyance. I’m not sure I COULD draw like this anyway.

Issue #7 - I was NOT given laughing gas, so this was not an issue! I remember them telling me that they gave me stuff to knock me out, and I gave a thumbs up, and then I woke up a few hours later with no breasts!

Issue #8 - I decided not to wear anything, and I’ve just been sitting on a red towel, and it’s way less stress and has not been a problem. 

Excitement #1 - No fucking breasts, holy shit! I don’t have a lot to say about this yet other than that it already feels better not to have them, even while I have drains in, and a weird compression binder on, and gauze pads all over my chest, etc. I can already fit better into this button up shirt (IF YOU HAVE TOP SURGERY: WEAR A LOOSE BUTTON UP SHIRT, IT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE), and I already feel so much relief just from not seeing them when I look down.

Excitement #2 - I mean I’ve been napping constantly, but I have to sleep on my back for now, so I don’t have an update on the dysphoria sleep yet. I’m pretty certain it’s not going to be a thing anymore though. 

Excitement #3 - No updates yet on passing publicly, obviously.

Excitement #4 - Same with this, although they haven’t misgendered me once in the past couple days so maybe the surgery being a reality has already had the desired effect from my parents.

Excitement #5 - No spooning yet, I gotta sleep on my back for now.

Excitement #6 - No swimming yet, lol

Excitement #7 - I haven’t yet, but I’m honestly excited to get photos of myself in this state the next time I get my binder off to get checked. Y’all might get to see what I look like post surgery, which is admittedly A Wreck, but I’m excited about it.

Excitement #8 - I love blue jello and my parents are bringing over mashed potatoes. Also, I never realized that stop-and-shop brand ginger ale actually tastes different from other brands? I think it’s got less ginger in it. And maybe, like, a little vanilla? Anyway, my parents bought the stop and shop brand, and it’s weird.

Excitement #9 - Mostly so far I’ve been playing animal crossing on my phone between naps, but I’m looking forward to games and movies.

Thing #1 - Originally I had to be there for 10:30 for a noon appointment. Then they called and informed me I had to be there at 8:15 for a 9:45 appointment. Then when my fiance and I were IN THE CAR on the WAY TO THE HOSPITAL they called me and asked where I was?? Apparently there was a clerical error so they thought my surgery was scheduled for 8:45 instead of 9:45? Anyway it didn’t end up being a problem but it was stressful.

Thing #2 - This plan has worked out very well so far, with my parents doing grocery shopping while my fiance takes care of me. A++ plan, going great.

Thing #3 - I’m UP AND AWAKE AND GONNA PLAY DnD YEAHHHHH!!! I’m very pleased about this. 

Thing #4 - Not relevant yet, though I suspect I will be able to spend at least some time downstairs. 

Other things:

I threw up a few times the first day, but it was weirdly not uncomfortable? It looked sort of clear black (possibly from medicine from the intubation, or stomach acid, or a trick of my eyes, idk, but it was just ginger ale going down, and then ginger ale coming back up. I HATE throwing up but this wasn’t really a stomach heaving or bile tasting experience. It was just... liquid down? Liquid back up. So even though vomiting is horrible, it wasn’t that bad.

The first time I was supposed to pee in the hospital after the surgery, I sat on the toilet for like ten minutes or something before I was able to pee. I have no idea what causes that, because I FELT like I had to and was just about to for the whole time, and finally I pressed a little gently on my belly and it happened? It was weird, but also I know that’s common.

I had a Health Care Proxy form, labeling my parents as my health care proxy’s (if I were unfit to make medical decisions, they would do it for me), but I needed it to be witnessed, and I was stressing a little about it. Apparently that’s super common because they were ready to have the nurses witness it for me, and there was no need for stress.

Taking the binder off makes everything sore and makes me feel totally woozy every time. Less so after a day, but still true. Every time it comes off it’s an Experience. 

When I first started feeling woozy, I told the nurse, and she broke open a little pad with rubbing alcohol on it (like a tiny wet wipe) and held it under my nose, and it COMPLETELY FIXED the woozy feeling. She said it doesn’t help for everybody, but it often does, and it’s a neat trick. And I’ve been using it ever since and BOY HOWDY it sure is a neat fucking trick. Sniff The Rubbing Alcohol = woozy be gone!

I keep forgetting not to reach up and adjust my pillow or scratch my head, and it pulls at stuff and gives me Regrets, but other than THAT I’m surprisingly fine?? I expected to be way more out of it, because I think that’s more common.

Wedge pillows are a godsend, even though I keep slipping down them.

Different doctors have different rules about this, but mine said I can shower tomorrow even though I’ll have the drains in for a full week-- I just have to be careful of the drains. 

I’m gonna tape my hospital bracelet into my notebook.

Honestly the worst part of this whole thing has been that the novacane they put in my sides made my fingers feel like they’d been asleep and were waking up. You know that feeling when a body part falls asleep and is waking up and if somebody touches it it’s Tingly Agony? Both of my thumbs, index fingers, and middle fingers were that. Constantly. For 24 hours. Tingly Fingers is apparently The Worst.

I’ve been lying in bed on two wedge pillows with my regular pillow behind my head (and adding two big pillows as needed when I want to sit up straighter), wearing the binder they gave me and a pajama top, on a towel. No underwear because fuck it. And right now my fiance has set up the lap table with my laptop on it for me in bed so I don’t have to do or lift anything in order to be able to write this.

Sounds like my parents just dropped off the mashed potatoes. 

All is going well!

[screechingkingdomhottub]

the billie situation

Can people stop misrepresenting the onision and billie situation? Everyone was in the wrong there and I’m sick of hearing “oh Billie just smoked some weed it’s all fine” like do not get me wrong, I don’t like Onision but I get it.  1. Onion boy was against weed before he even knew about Billie, he spoke about how he dated Adrienne (although unnamed, it was someone he dated in that time frame) and she got into pot after they dated, then when he met her latter on, she was so much dumber, they couldn’t hold a conversation basically. That’s his own anecdote but to be honest I kinda believe it, every stoner I met has become dumber as time goes on, feel like i’m talking to a 9 year old half the time.   2. Billie broke a contract she knowingly agreed to. “No partaking in Illegal activity” is right there and she agreed to that. If she was so dependant on marijuana as she claims to be then she could’ve thought “oh wait i break the law regularly should probably not agree and instead say something here” or maybe she thought well she’s in washington where it’s legal so maybe that’s fine but she goes home and breaks the law. Onision’s reaction was weird af and the contract is a little strange (I think it’s okay to have rules of “i will break up with you if you x,y,z” flat out there).  3. The guy has a family, drugs can ruin families (before any of you give me bullshit about how weed isn’t one of those: I, myself, have had issues due to family members becoming unstable due to weed so fuck off) like he does a lot of shit but maybe don’t blame a man for not wanting potential drug addicts(not addicted but overly reliant on which is the same fucking thing) around his children.  I’m growing really tired that everyone gives more attention to a grown ass woman who literally just broke a contract she knowingly agreed to than Adam, a minor who was groomed into sending nudes while underage.  Let that sink in. Most people would rather defend and talk about Billie who knowingly stayed in a relationship where she’d have to constantly backstab and lie to her partners than a minor who got groomed. I don’t feel bad for talking shit about Billie cause like her best friend Ayalla they’re all preachy about anti-racism and blm but support people like Blaire White who built their career off of racism and hate. And I can support this thesis bout Adam because half of you have no fucking clue who that is, do you? Yeah he’s the male victim that was on Chris Hansen’s show once and then everyone forgot about cause “girls” and “women” are easier to say, who cares about misgendering a victim when we can talk about “you got mad at her for smoking pot” god you’re stupid.  So choose your fighter anti-o’s:  1. Billie had it so much worse than Adam!!!! 2. I’m transphobic, fuck pronouns 3. Adam deserves more support and awareness. 

[mrpatrouiousachatz1993]

Why Bill Maher is wrong and he needs to wake up.

TW; Some things in this post maybe seen as a offensive when it comes to terminology. This post is designed to call out people who use offensive terminology and bigoted language.  Bill Maher once again goes on a racist tangent and blames "political correctness". Let me say something I have confronted my grandparents for supporting his show and constantly said by them watching Real Time with Bill Maher is giving into his racist, homophobic and transphobic ideas. The man even supported the discrimination of transgender people and here I am the transgender grandson. I have to constantly YELL at my family for misgendering me.  Now wonder why they do it Bill Maher probably thinks it is okay to misgender transgender people. I mean Bill Maher says it is okay to call COVID-19 the "Chinese Virus" all because it came from China. So we should blame the Chinese? We should be judgmental of Chinese people? You know what that is? RACISM!  But Bill Maher claims "It's not racist". Bill Maher then went on attacking liberals for supporting Middle Eastern Cultures and called Muslims evil. I mean he has been doing that since the 9/11 attacks. Yet he supported Obama whose middle name is Hussein, and Obama was a Christian. Hussein is Arabic for good, handsome, and beautiful. Obama wasn’t even Arabic.  

Bill Maher has been publicly racist and bigoted for decades and takes no accountability except that one time when he said the N word. But this is a man who defended calling COVID-19 "The Chinese Virus"   He has defended Megyn Kelly on her comments about how she thought black face was okay to wear on Halloween.  Not to mention he called the #Metoo Movement as  "McCarthyite" and he also defended Chris Matthews when Chris Matthews was accused of Sexual Harassment.   Not to mention he got booed for defending Micheal Bloomberg's Stop and Frisk policy and his response was "Keep booing that is how you lost the last election." 

Look if you are a moderate fine that is your belief and I am not going to argue with you. I will agree to disagree with you. But when you endorse the racist, homophobic, transphobic, and bigoted things Maher has said.  You are endorsing a culture that Donald Trump wanted. You are endorsing going backwards into the 1950s or further back.  

Now my grandfather before he died from a heart attack a month ago, he was willing to read articles on how Maher is bad and he agreed what Maher said was wrong. Then he sent me some things on how Bill Maher is good.  There are some things I do agree with Maher about. He supports Medicare for All, I agree CEOS of corporations should be paying higher taxes, I also agree that if religion (more specifically extreme Christian Nationalism) wants to interfere with our laws and want the laws to allow to discriminate on the bases of religion then churches should be taxed. But when Bill Maher opens his mouth about minorities groups, he needs to shut the fuck up. I also disagree with the dictatorship in China in regard to a 1 child rule. However, when he talks about social justice in the US  he needs to shut the fuck up because he doesn't know jack shit. I would not be surprised if he thinks it is okay to call people the R word when even the professionals stopped using the terms Mental Retardation  or Mentally Retarded and changed the terminology to intellectually disabled and developmentally disabled because of the R word and terms like MR have been used to bully and harass kids in school. It also has been used to call people when they do something foolish which then stigmatizes a minority group.  Listen calling COVID-19 the "Chinese Virus" is wrong and bigoted for many reasons.  It stigmatizes a group of people. When the AIDs and HIV Pandemic first happened it was referred to in the US as the "Gay disease".  But yet AIDs and HIV are not necessarily always transmitted from gay sex. It can be transmitted from dirty needles. It can be transmitted from blood transfusions. My grandmother is a retired nurse and she once had a patient with AIDs and when the doctor's came in and she told them that that the patients had AIDs the doctors did not want to treat the patient because they thought the patient was gay but how the patient got it was from a blood transfusion. Also AIDs  Not to mention we already have discriminated against Asians way before WWII. Bill Maher needs to educate himself and look at why the things he says when talking about marginalized groups is WRONG. This has nothing to do with what he calls as "PC Culture" or "PC Policing".  

Maybe Bill Maher should be calling out the FDA for their long ban on MSM (men who have sex with men) from donating blood, then rule changed to 1 year of no sex, now changed the rule to 3 months of no sex for men who have sex with men because America is short on blood donations, but yet lesbians, bisexual women, pansexual women, and straight people can have all the sex they want. Transgender people can donate blood just as long as they select either male or female. If you do not identify in the gender binary the FDA pretty much also gives you the middle finger according to the Red Cross. 

Majority of the history textbooks in today's K-12 schools come from Texas. We know that Texas is in the south and the south tends to be all pro confederate. A lot of text books in K-12 public schools cater to White, Cisgender, Heterosexual Men. In Kindergarten you learn that the Native Americans and the Pilgrims all loved each other and played Ring Around the Rosie when really the Pilgrims brought diseases, committed murder, and stole the land from the Natives. In high schools they are more focused about teaching what is based on a Standardized test rather than teaching that Christopher Columbus didn’t discover shit and did not know how to use a god damn map because the jag off got lost. The man did not even land in the U.S. Even my late grandfather who taught High School English knew that. Also do not get me started when it comes to history lessons about the Civil War. 

I did not learn the truth until I got into college. I also read literature from authors during and after the civil war era that were banned from high school curriculum that honestly should be read in high school. I had to take a class in college called Literature During and After  the Civil to learn that a lot of the the K-12 curriculum is catered to white people. In High School the only thing I learned about the Holocaust was about political propaganda. We would only focus one day about the actual Holocaust and it was never on the tests we took. Instead what was on the test was Pearl Harbor, Internment Camps in the US and Propaganda. We did not even discuss that Adolf Hitler killed 6 million Jews and 11 million other people persecuted by the Nazi Germany during the holocaust. 

The thing is Bill Maher is just another one of those Baby Boomers whose mind is stuck in the past where bigotry towards minority groups was acceptable, back when you if you broke the  heteronormativity in society  you could have gotten jail time, back when LGBTQ+ people could not be themselves. Back when magazines said a woman’s place was in the kitchen and to be a homemaker. Back when almost everyone was against marriage equality. Back when Vaccines were being blamed for Autism. Bill Maher not taking accountability for his actions and blaming the “PC Police” and overall “Political Correctness” is what he gets wrong on his show.