#the ocd i know i have now cause its just reassurance type ocd which explains so much

[landofgay]

me at 15: I think I have ADHD and autism and ocd and bpd and and and

me at 17: nah I was being silly I don't really have most of those things. maybe ADHD.

me now at 22: yeah no I have ADHD and autism and ocd and bpd and

[imagine-loki]

Out of Place

TITLE: Out Of Place

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: One Shot

AUTHOR: cateyes315

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine that Loki is bored in the Avengers Tower and goes around playing pranks. One of the pranks is to randomly rearrange things. When you go to your room and see the items in different places, you’re shocked. 

“LOKI!” your yell of rage echoes through out the hall. 

Loki is shocked and tries to slip away. But too late, his collar is caught by someone. Turning around, he sees your angry face.

“Well, how are you doing today, [name]?”

You don’t answer, and Loki gets dragged away by his collar. 

“Can we talk about this?”

“No.”

 https://imagine-loki.tumblr.com/post/618134855675510784/imagine-that-loki-is-bored-in-the-avengers-tower

RATING: Everyone

NOTES/WARNINGS: None

SUMMARY: Loki plays a prank on the reader not knowing it would backfire

                    Out Of Place

You walked into your room in Avengers tower and immediately something felt wrong. You couldn’t place your finger on it at first as there were no immediate threats around, however as you looked closer you realized your things were out of place. As if you had put them away in the wrong place, which was impossible, considering everything had its place and it drove you crazy if something was out of place. You turned around and were about to go ask the others if they knew anything when Nat stopped in your open doorway. “I see he didn’t listen,” she said leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed. “What?” You asked confused and in shock. 

“Apparently Loki was bored and decided to play some pranks, one of which was to rearrange things in EVERY room in the tower. I warned him to stay out of your room but obviously he didn’t listen.” She stated simply. You immediately went from shocked to upset, “Where is he right now?” You asked through clenched teeth, fists at your sides. “In the common area,” she answered and quickly moved out of your way as you stormed out of your room and down the hall, rage in your eyes. As you get to the common room you yell out, “LOKI!”, with rage in your voice. Loki upon hearing you angrily, yelling for him tries to slip away. But it’s too little, too late as he feels someone grab the back of his collar and turn him around. “Oh hello (Y/N), how are you today?” He asks oh so innocently. Instead of responding you proceed to drag him down the hall back to your room, despite his protests. He asks if you can talk about it but you just growl “no” while you keep pulling him down the hall. You finally let him go when you get back to your room but not until you’re both in the middle of your room. You stand there angrily glaring at him while he brushes himself off as he stands up. “Well I believe that was rather uncalled for.” He said as he looked up at you. “You think so?” You ask, still quite upset with him. “Well so was you invading MY space and MOVING EVERYTHING.” “That’s what this is about? In that case allow me to fix it.” Loki said as he raised his hand to use his magic to put it all back the way you had it. But you grabbed his hand before he could finish the motion. “You will fix this, but you will fix it the way I WANT.” You said as you let go of his hand. “Of course that’s what I was about to do, put everything back how it was.” He stated as if that was obvious, yet something about the look on your face kept him from trying to use his magic again. “That’s not exactly what I mean.” You stated while staring at him, with your arms crossed. “Then what did you have in mind (y/n)?” He asks, getting a bit nervous. “You’re going to put it ALL back the way it was,” you say with a mischievous smile starting to spread across your face. “By hand, you will not use ANY magic to assist you. Even the things on the high shelves and what I had hanging on the walls.” You saw the slight fear and shock in his eyes, “How am I supposed to reach all that with no magic?” “The same way we mortals do, those of us that can’t just fly or have magic,” you say as you pull the step stool out of your closet. “Also I assume you didn’t have help doing your pranks, so you may not have help putting everything back. You may ask Jarvis to show you where things were so it gets put EXACTLY where I had it, but that is the only help you get.” At this point, having never seen you like this before, Loki is staring at you, mouth open wide. So you inform him you will be in the common room until he finishes and proceed to walk out of your room and down the hall. However upon entering the common room you find you’re not alone. Tony looks like he’s about to bust out laughing, but Nat glaring at him stops him. She knows why you reacted the way you did but no one else does, even though Tony would probably understand. You simply sit on the couch with one of your favorite books you picked up off your dresser on the way out of your room. You sat there stretched out, blatantly ignoring the questioning glance from Cap, and started reading. *a few hours later* Loki is almost finished with putting everything back and has been wondering why you reacted so strongly when you usually laughed at his pranks. He decides to ask Jarvis. “Jarvis, perhaps you could help me with something.” He asked as politely as he could. However, he got no response from the AI that Tony was so fond of. Loki shrugged his shoulders mumbling about “intelligent indeed”, when a voice from behind him shocked him. Nat stood in the doorway glaring at Loki, when he tried to talk to Jarvis. She spoke up, “You upset (y/n) he doesn’t take kindly to that. So you can ask someone else, or you could just ask (y/n) whatever it is you were trying to find out.” “I’m curious as to why they got so upset, they usually find my pranks funny even when aimed at them.” Loki really just couldn’t understand it. “If you had just listened to me when I warned you to stay out of their room you wouldn’t be in this mess. Also you should look up OCD maybe that will explain where you screwed up.” She said as she walked away. He decided to try asking Jarvis again, “Jarvis, I’m sorry I’ve upset our friend. If you could just help me understand what this OCD is and why they’re upset, perhaps I can help fix this.” After a few moments of silence he was about to give up and just look it up himself in the Library when he finished, when he heard the AI speak to him. “OCD is a type of disorder that manifests in various ways, in (y/n)’s case things have to be put in a certain place in a certain way or it throws everything off and makes them anxious until it is replaced the way it’s supposed to be. They’ve been reading the same page in that book for the past 2 hours.” He was still annoyed with Loki but knowing he didn’t understand what his actions caused helped Jarvis want to help him fix this. “Now that book you just put on the bookshelf, was actually laying right on that nightstand. It’s one they read at night to help them relax.” “Thank you Jarvis, I truly am sorry I upset them, next time I will definitely listen to Natasha when she tells me not to do something when it comes to (y/n). They’re a very good friend and I hope I didn’t completely ruin our friendship. How long do you think they will stay mad at me?” “Having everything back how it belongs will definitely help. Other than that give them time to calm down and make sure you apologize to them. Make sure they know you’re genuinely sorry and not just saying it to get out of trouble with them.” Jarvis told him where to put a couple of other things and before long he was finished. “Thank you again for your help Jarvis. Now if you’ll excuse me I have some amends to make.” Having said that he walked out of the room and toward the common area. Everyone was sitting in the common room when he walked in and asked you to come inspect his work. You had calmed down quite a bit yet you started to get anxious as you neared your room, for fear things wouldn’t be how they belonged. As you walked in your room you realized you shouldn’t have worried about it being put back right, since Jarvis undoubtedly told him when he put something in the wrong place. You walked around the room inspecting everything while Loki stood inside your doorway, head hanging low in shame at upsetting you. Walking over to stand in front of him you told him it was perfect and he could go now. However he stood there head still hanging low and shuffling his feet as if he wanted to say something. So you asked him what was on his mind. Looking up with genuine shame and a sincere look in his eyes he apologized for his behavior. “I should’ve listened to Natasha, she warned me to leave your belongings alone. I just thought she was trying to ruin my fun, I didn’t realize how badly my actions would upset you, let alone that you couldn’t help your reaction. That doesn’t excuse my actions, if there is anything at all I can do to make it up to you no matter the cost to myself I will do whatever it takes to correct this. Even if it is to give you time and personal space.” You were shocked at first that he seemed to know about your OCD, but when you thought about it you should’ve known Nat or Jarvis would explain just how badly he screwed up by messing up your order of things. “So, who told you, Nat or Jarvis? I’m not upset, just curious as to who got through to get a genuine apology out of you.” You added to reassure him you weren’t still angry. “I know how truly rare those are,” you added with a small smile on your face. Seeing the smile and knowing you wouldn’t be upset with them telling him he confessed. “Well Natasha informed me I really screwed up and suggested I look up OCD and Jarviis filled in the blanks. I truly am sorry I upset you so, I thought it would be a funny prank.” You sighed, “Well it wasn’t funny so the next time you even think about arranging my things perhaps you’ll remember this experience and leave it alone.” “I wouldn’t dream of upsetting you so much again, especially now that I know why.” He responded and was about to say more when you both heard a voice above you. “Y/N, Loki I’m sorry to interrupt such a genuine moment but I was asked to inform you by Lady Natasha that “supper is ready and if you don’t get your asses down here I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop them from eating your favorite chinese dish”. Jarvis informed you repeating Nat’s message using her exact words, knowing that’s exactly how she would want it to be relayed. The two of you smiled at each other and you spoke first, “Guess we should get down to the dining room and get something to eat.” Loki sighed, “Yes we should, knowing my oaf af a brother there won’t be much left if we don’t hurry,” He suddenly smiled and looked at you. “Would you like to make it there rather quickly?” He asked, offering his arm and a genuine smile. “Sounds good to me, I am quite hungry,” you responded, accepting his arm with a genuine smile on your face. “So are you still mad at me my dear friend?” He asked, looking at you before moving any further. “I’m not as mad, but maybe a prank or two on Thor and Tony could help you get out of trouble quicker.” You responded with a mischievous look in your eyes and a big smile on your face knowing he couldn’t resist pranking those two more than most. “Consider it done, as soon as we finish eating,” he replied with the same look on his face. “I can handle that,” you respond, “let’s go eat then, I’m really hungry all of the sudden.” “As am I,” he said and with a wink and a shimmer of green you and Loki were teleported into the dining room at your favorite seat of the table.

[media-on-the-mind101]

Turtles All the Way Down: OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (Book)

* May contain spoilers*

I recently finished reading Turtles All the Way Down by John Green, and it is now one of my favorite novels. The story hit me close to home because it deals with a disorder that I was diagnosed with. I thought writing an article about it would be a good way to educate you readers, while also sharing a little bit about myself.

Turtles All the Way Down is story about a teenage girl named Aza Holmes who suffers from OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The story shows how the disorder impacts her daily life as well as her relationships. Because the author suffers from the disorder in real life, the depiction is fairly accurate. However, I spotted a few things that might suggest a whole different diagnosis whatsoever. The story also covers Aza’s treatment which I felt was missing a lot of important things.

According to the DSM 5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a disorder where a person gets caught in a cycle of obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are intrusive thoughts that trigger distressing feelings, while compulsions are repetitive behaviors that are performed to relieve anxiety or prevent something bad from happening. OCD is often confused with OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder) which is characterized by extreme perfectionism, order, and neatness. OCPD is often portrayed as OCD in the media which means that stereotypical OCD is really OCPD.

While Aza does have obsessions that involve cleaning, they are more about health and less about being organized. People with OCD often have a specific thing they worry about, and for Aza it is contracting an infection from a parasite called C-diff which essentially causes food poisoning and stomach damage. While she doesn’t really do anything to neutralize or cancel her thoughts out, she repeatedly reads articles online and uses hand sanitizer to relieve her anxiety.

As you may already have figured out, people with OCD often have illogical thought patterns and they are fully aware of it. But their anxiety makes them perform their compulsion anyway “just to make sure.” This is seen in the book when Aza drinks a bottle of hand sanitizer to insure that all bad bacteria inside her body are cured. Of course we all know, that drinking hand sanitizer would actually be more harmful then helpful.

“Drinking hand sanitizer is not going to make you healthier, you crazy fuck. But they can talk to your brain. THEY can tell your brain what to think, and you can’t. So, who’s running the show? Stop it, please (pg. 210).

In this scene, Aza knows that drinking hand sanitizer is actually more harmful then helpful, but she feels as if something is controlling her brain. The “they” refers to her OCD and she tells it to stop but isn’t able to control it.

While reading the book, I noticed that some of Aza’s symptoms don’t quite fit the diagnosis of OCD, such as her feeling of not knowing if she is awake or dreaming, real or non-existent. In one chapter she says the following:

“the pressing of my thumbnail against my fingertip had started off as a way of convincing myself that I was real . . . every time I thought maybe I wasn’t real, I would dig my nail into my fingertip, and I would feel the pain, and for a second I’d think, Of course I’m real” (pg.106).

The feeling of disconnect she has from her own body and surroundings are actually symptoms of DDD (Depersonalization - Derealization Disorder). According to the DSM, the disorder is characterized by persistent feelings of being a stranger to yourself or your surroundings. According to Psychology Today, however, you have to have no signs of other mental illness that can explain your symptoms, in order to be diagnosed with DDD. This is when diagnosing a patient becomes challenging; so many disorders can have similar symptoms or be co-morbid with each other that it they can difficult to differentiate.

The other symptom I noticed that is actually its own disorder, is the fact that Aza has a habit of digging her nail into her fingertip to the point where her finger becomes scarred. While picking of the skin is often comorbid with OCD, it is actually a separate disorder called excoriation disorder or dermatillomania. According to mhanational.org, this disorder is characterized by picking of the skin that creates skin lesions and that causes disruption in everyday life. It is true that the disorder falls under the category of obsessive compulsive disorders in the DSM, but excoriation disorder is not the same as OCD.

Now we’ve defined what OCD is, but another important part of how the book portrays it is in the treatment. According to Mayoclinic.com, the most common treatments for OCD include CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), exposure therapy, and medications such as SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors). These are the treatments that I had during my childhood, and they have been statistically proven to be very effective. 

In the book Aza sees a therapist and takes medication, but she doesn’t get exposure therapy, one of the main treatments for OCD. Aza mainly gets CBT which is essentially talk therapy, but she is not forced to face her obsessions without performing her compulsions. An example of this would be touching a dirty substance and then forcing herself not to take out her phone or use hand sanitizer. 

The last important thing is how OCD effects a peoples relationships. Throughout the story, the characters in Aza’s life talk about how hard she is to deal with. One scene toward the end really emphasizes the importance of this issue. In this scene, Aza and her best friend Daisy get into an argument because Daisy feels that Aza is too self-centered.

She says “and you’re so, like, pathologically uncurious that you don’t even know what you don’t know.” And later she adds “I don’t mean that you’re a bad friend or anything. But you’re slightly tortured, and the way you’re tortured is sometimes also painful for, like, everyone around you”(pg. 216).

Daisy is frustrated because she feels like Aza is so caught up in her own thoughts that she never shows any interest in the lives of others. When she says Aza is “tortured” and it makes it painful for everyone around her, this shows just how much her illness impacts her relationships with other people. Basically, people find her difficult to be around because they, in a sense, have to experience everything with her and they begin to lose patience. At the end of this scene, the two girls get into a car accident because they weren’t paying attention to the road.

Aza’s other important relationship in the story is with is Davis, who is like a friend with benefits. The reason he never becomes Aza’s boyfriend is because of her social anxiety and fear of contamination that prevents her from being physically close to people. 

“I enjoyed being with him more in this nonphysical space, but I also felt the need to board up the windows of myself. Me: I feel kinda precarious in general, and I can’t really date you. Or date anyone. I’m sorry but I can’t. I like you, but I can’t date you” (pg. 162).

I this scene, Aza reveals that she communicates better online then in person and this suggests that she has some form of social anxiety.

Another scene tells us just how much her fear of germs effects her life: “billions of people kiss and don’t die just make sure his microbes aren’t going to permanently colonize you come on please stop this . . . then you’ll get C. diff and boom dead in four days please fucking stop just kiss him JUST CHECK TO MAKE SURE. I pulled away” (pg. 152).

In this scene, Aza has difficulty being physically intimate with Davis because her fear of germs prevents from enjoying it like most people would. Based on this fact, we could predict that Aza will have difficulty in her future relationships because of her mental illness and this is a great example of how it effects people in real life.

As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, the author John Green himself suffers from OCD. Compared to his own experiences, the book is pretty similar. Like the main character, Green suffers from obsessions about contamination. In an episode of the Vlogbrothers Youtube channel, Green explains that

 “I might worry out of nowhere that my food is contaminated or somehow poisoned and then somehow suddenly that will be the only thought I'm able to think . . . I can lose all control over my thoughts for an extended period of time to the extent that I can't follow what's happening in a TV show or read a book.” (Green).

*John Green, author of Turtles All the Way Down*

So like Aza, he worries about contamination to the point where he can’t focus on anything else. He also has the same kinds of thought spirals :  

“the compulsive behaviors I use to cope with these obsessive thought spirals, repeatedly checking my food for contamination, for instance, or spending hours Googling what will happen to me if I eat moldy bread.” (Green).

As you can see, the characters compulsion of checking in internet comes straight from the author’s real life experience. According to the New York Times, John Green developed the disorder at around seven years old and eventually got it under control with the right medication and CBT. It was not said weather or not he underwent exposure therapy. So the treatment that Aza receives is based on the way some treatments work in real life.

While reading Turtles All the Way Down I  often found myself feeling nostalgic because my own experience with OCD is very similar. Although I do not have an obsession with a specific thing like Aza does, I have the same types of intrusive thoughts. I also have similar compulsions to seek reassurance from the internet or other people about my health, as well as other compulsions to neutralize, or cancel out my thoughts. 

Because I had Tourette Syndrome (a neurological disorder that causes physical impulses) as a child, I developed what is called Tourettic OCD. It is pretty much exactly what it sounds like; Tourette Syndrome and OCD combined. The reason this occurs in some individuals is because the ability to filter out and thoughts and the impulse to move, take place in the same brain area, the basal ganglia. As a result of this, my compulsions tend to be more physical, such as moving my eyes excessively whenever I see negative words in a book, or someone getting sick in a movie.

Like Aza, I went through CBT but I also went through several years of exposure therapy and I take an SSRI in conjunction. I think exposure therapy is a very important part of the treatment of disorders such as OCD and PTSD and I was disappointed that the book did not include it. I think that if you are going to educate a person about disorder, then you have to educate them about the treatment as well. In conclusion, Turtles All the Way Down was a great novel that captured OCD more accurately then any movie I have seen. The fact that the author has the disorder makes it all the more realistic and personal, and I have to say as a person with OCD and a psychology major, I was quite pleased with the way the character was portrayed. The story may have been missing a few important elements but overall it provided a realistic way of educating people about the disorder.

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #2

2.Disconnected/ Dissociation/ Depersonalisation / Darkness

Most days I'm not sure that I would choose to look after me... I would like to give up and scream.

consistent healing with mental health is the most frustrating thing. like how do you justify yourself to the people getting annoyed at you for your tics when you barely even know what a tic is and why you’re doing what you’re doing? people never believe your explanations, or it would take them studying you to see the reality of the depth of suffering, why I’m doing these annoying things and it is hard to explain. I can’t say that I can’t control it because that’s not completely true- it’s not like a muscle spasm completely out of control, its more of an impulse a bit like OCD behaviour. My brain follows mental patterns n finds it difficult to not get out of the cycle. its like scratching at a mosquito bite where yeah technically you can just not scratch it but it feels agonising not to and takes all your concentration not to do.

I’ve been more uncomfortable with the idea of being a person lately. i can’t conceptualise time so I get this feeling sometimes where its like , I hate the fact that I’m a person and I exist and it usually makes me super confused & I go into a misty state of mind where everything feels like it’s piling up leaving me anxious n too deep & I just feel too disconnected from everything. I feel lost when I look at my limbs; they grow heavier.

I personally try to spend as little time looking in the mirror as possible because it can be a big trigger for my dissociation. but taking pictures of my day/ what I’ve eaten helps me remember i have been present in the long run. This is why I have a complex relationship with social media, sometimes when I go on it I get depressed even though I want to be active. I cope by only looking in the mirror with other people there or when I have a specific reason to. It’s like I know my soul but my physical form confuses me.

I don’t even tell my friends I’m dissociating any more cause it’s just,, a given. I feel really embarrassingly bad. It’s one of the few things with my mental health that I try and minimise and hide from my friends- but I end up hiding myself as a whole, when my soul wants to be present but my body doesn’t know how to comply. I’m really sorry people have to deal with that, it’s so scary to be disconnected.

it’s annoying to have sucky mental health cos even when I want to get help I get embarrassed & feel ashamed that my brain is the way it is. I feel like a burden, or I don’t care enough about myself to believe I deserve help & to be healthy & mentally okay. I often realise the depth of self hate & my brain tells me I’d be better off dead. 

I feel forced to engage in ‘the caste system of life’ . As humans were just expected to ‘keep calm and carry on’ but I’m genuinely tired. I can’t grasp that I ever used to work 2 jobs in a day at one point, I can’t grasp how. I feel an immense amount of distress about having to work in these times too, it’s like finally my mental is free to roam to whichever corner it deserves to feel peace without having to mask at all times, finally I get some extra time to organise my journals and paint & we’re actually still being made to feel obligated to go about our days as if everything is normal, while being tuned into a fear frequency. I feel like so many things are obfuscated with absolute lies & it’s hard to go on just because you have to but not cos you actually desire it.

I’m a great worker & communicator when I do have the energy, but I don’t have any dream job because I don’t dream to slave away to a capitalist system that perpetuates all kind of nonsense, i dream to dismantle it. Which I know I can’t do, so then I feel powerless, insignificant & small. for now I just can’t be arsed doing anything. maybe deep down I still have hope.

I’ve become more pessimistic that optimistic,I receive these death threats from my brain too In really dumb moments, & I’m like oh my gosh we have to just keep washing dishes & putting them away & putting more food in them & doing this over & over until we die. 

I am someone that needs people but I have these silly built in coping mechanism. it’s like this character in my brain needs to hop to the recharge centre,it often wants to hide in my mental cavern of preservation because it feels like it’s disconnected from everything else. like how is everyone holding up jobs or education ? how will I be able to have all these good times & spoil my family & friends like I want to, if I can’t hold up a job ? why can’t my head not be such a bloody mess & why can’t I seem to conform to normality ??? My brain starts asking the questions, my brain starts caving away. 

Even a long time ago my brain stopped planning for a future past 30 because of my individual situation & traumas, and mainly because the world is a horrible illusion once you grow & realise how truly powerless & insignificant it makes you feel. dissociation turns my memories into flat, unconvincing shadows.

thankfully I haven’t gave up & I’m still here with a bit more of a desire to go on- but only because of the inspiring creative loving caring people that surround me. over the years I’ve come across marvellous souls & I have the most beautiful family I could ever ask for. i would never want to seem ungrateful. I know the whole saying of ‘silence speaks volumes’ but as someone who’s always felt like they need to explain themselves for their entire life, I’ve learned that sometimes silence is necessary, to be able to fully be yourself & uplift the people in your life, you need to learn how to be comfortable & confident with your own self. I’m washing away my Shame and painting my shell shiny y’all!!!! Soon come you’ll see the armour I’ve been working on in the flesh.

My silences are not done in a sense of ‘I need to work on me only & FIRST, THEN I can worry about you’ but a ‘I’ve never put myself first & ALSO need to worry about me the way I worry about you I want all of us to eat together, I just don’t wanna be that friend that feels like they’re holding people back from doing things because I’m on pause. and of course there’s the fact that compromise is necessary to make friendships work, I want to make time & be present. 

I don’t feel obligated(I genuinely do want to be there) but in my head for things to run smoothly for everyone’s sake there needs to be consistency(I don’t wanna lose the people I love & want to grow with them) but someone said to me consistency is just obligation sprinkled. and sometimes it just be like that, I hate how all my messages start with ‘so sorry for these late replies’ I hate it. the people pleaser always feels the need to explain but i feel bad because I feel like I’ve let them down already & that I didn’t intend or want to ignore them I just have a terrible relationship with my phone,social media & I’m one of the worst communicators I know, even though In person & in a comfortable atmosphere-I’m someone who can speak for the whole of both Scotland and Tanzania. I have a very all or nothing type brain.

most time I’m restless too and its like..i get hyper aware of all my surroundings and its really scary and emotional for a little bit but then i just start dissociating hella and it sucks ,, it’s become a normal state of mind or thing my brain does to sort of reject humanity and stuff & when I do ‘zone out’ there has to be a sense of awareness in my brain, I care a lot & I’m aware that those on the other side will feel left the dark from the other end.

I just get embarrassed n I don’t wanna ‘be the fuck up’ even though my brain actively just keeps doing it. I’m not even exaggerating sometimes the anxiety builds up because some eedyat from my past that I wanted to avoid messages me. or because I can’t reply to all my people at once. (I have people & connects from Tanzania, Turkey & Scotland) so my messages will pile up & then I don’t know how to start the replies & then I freak out & feel like a failed shitty friend, I also don’t wanna be selective because I WANT to speak & hear from everyone I do maintain contact with, but then my brain dissociates.

sexual abuse, physical & narcissistic abuse sucks. It doesn’t control me - but it’s shaped a part of my brain. for the time’s I’ve had to ‘cope’ & go to work as if everything is okay, further masking. the times as a kid I felt like I’d get punishment or a beating for answering back or doing something or being disobedient or ‘wrong’, it fuelled my ability at being able to mask more. I could lie for as long as I could so remember thanks to pedo paul- he also distorted & lured me into feeling easy & comfortable in highly alarming uncomfortable scenarios no child should ever have to experience.

being myself fully, feeling comfortable to be myself & explain my brain has never been easy.

another example that also made me be able to mask, is growing up in a ‘perfect’ looking family with much more dysfunction than I realised the older I aged. there isn’t necessarily a lack of connection in my family-we have a lot of love & togetherness, we know how to be a team. we’re a fast & fierce intelligent,compassionate bunch & I’m thankful enough to have 2 very understanding parents that will listen..I could’ve spoken to them about certain things earlier, I wish I did but I can’t go back. I forgive & hope they forgive me for there were still years where I felt judged, or like I’d be disowned.

I think it’s invalidating for parents to write off the so called ‘teen phase’ phase as the result of hormones and irrational teenage anger.

We now have more of a relationship yet there’s still that disconnect or connect only when I’m communicating with one of them at a time (depending on the subject matter/ setting).i can still chill with them both but sometimes chat feels forced. they have given me the reassurance that I’ll never be judged with what I share. Though at one point I felt (or in my head) like the downer child, they did project feelings of shame which I think stemmed from a ‘place of concern’ - and that was due to a lack of familial friendship. Both my parents were made to be parents & did a damn good job at raising us because despite the flaws. we remain tough, empathetic, polite,sensible, witty, charming, fun, respectable & decent which are all qualities from both of their seed.

I think they both deserved different loves or a more open one. because you see it sometimes felt they could’ve put their parent badge aside and talk to me like a friend, I’m not sure if all my siblings felt the same but I did. I’m also thankful for all the lessons & can’t discount my parents parenting, they are great. I’m not saying they failed, I just think that if you want your child to communicate with you, there needs to be a sense of comfort ability for them to be able to open up. If you force them to speak while you’ve ingrained fear, you end up pushing them further away. I guess to an extent the whole ‘ingrain’ fear into your child so they can respect you does work, but this creates sneakier children too- finding ways to get away with things because they’re worried you’ll get them in trouble for doing so. so if the communication lessens as the child grows, it’s because they didn’t feel understood, despite being listened to. Anyways I love my family still, I’m just an over thinker & sometimes I feel like there’s a lack of soul level conversation & genuine laughter. there’s grudges held but not expressed so then the atmosphere of the household begins to feel stuffy. whether or not everyone realises it, whether it’s because different personality types clash in the house, a bunch of reasons perhaps. But yeah in terms of dissociating & tying masking into it, it would happen whenever I felt in danger or like someone would think i was not good enough and hurt me. 

sometimes I can be dry & just wanna listen to my peoples. but I feel like I always need to talk because of my people pleaser brain that also feels the need to fill in silences or feels rude when it doesn’t respond but the reality is sometimes my brain doesn’t allow me to be able to be consistent with social media, messaging, calls etc- I have a disconnect from social media even tho part of me loves the concept so much & the communication aspect is such a bonus (especially with international friends & family£ in turn my life feels like a dramatic podcast. for a while now there’s been more a mentally tired feeling that reigns over my brain, it all just gets a bit blurry so I have this habit of ‘checking out’ when I feel like I’m under stress & there’s a chance of more overloaded- it sort of makes my brain disengage even more. for some people reality checks help, for others they make things worse. personally when I don’t feel good enough I start convincing myself I already failed & that I’m not worthy of my family n friends & all that yap, the brain mould grows!! whenever stress arises or my awkward brain starts conspiring against itself- the zone out will begin.

I don't even realise the weight of my words, how serious and ugly it is. I am floating around. for years. I don't remember what feeling real is like. I feel like everything is fake and even though I matter I’m unimportant until I wear my skin of confidence & the that life is a game. I want to be able to feel like a normal person and believe myself, to believe that life isn’t a dream. I can't. I am just floating all the time. I just want to feel real for once and not so fake.

I do use listening to music or a podcast as a coping strategy so i have something engaging for my brain to focus on. music grounds me when de realisation gets really bad. but then there’s always knowing that more and more is just piling up. It’s like an outer body experience where you’re watching your lifeless body turn blue & there’s a timer with spilling sand but you’re frozen.

I feel this pattern from childhood of escapism is gash coming into adulthood, feeling everything so intensely can genuinely get overwhelming my heart feels like a racing car. I’m keen & determined though. I’m hopefully going to learn more about the brain, human impulses, how we think, because learning about humans helps me understand why I do things more, and that sort of seems to help. I wanna be strong enough for the people I love, I want to support them in tough times too I just don’t always have conversations- I’m sorry. being half there isn’t nice,neither fun.

I also keep thinking there’s some bigger /thing/ Reason for the universe, maybe waiting for the aliens or government to blow us up with the push of a button lol. I spend more time thinking about the afterlife but don’t do enough in my present one. most days I feel like life is a game boy. Is there a reason why everyone does what they do etc? Is society too dead to mend ? Remembering that it’s just the laws of the universe (human instinct, physics) controlling everything can help me. The master key system helps. Vsauce Thoughty2, Dr Phil Valentine and Brother Panic, Infinite waters,studying, art, music & generally scrolling through youtube helps lol. but I really wonder does anyone else feel like they are interacting with the world but their head is wrapped in plastic, so they can see and hear but are still totally but imperceptibly separated from the world, so they just can’t quite..connect?