#the nitty gritty of it i’ll talk about when i feel like it or in drawings

[bestjeanistmonster]

What kind of stuff did Nicky go through to become Sonic/such a drastically different person? And how long did it take for him to embrace Sonic as his new identity?

I don’t have the specifics of the torture, brainwashing and conditioning he went through with Eggman nailed down unfortunately, mostly cuz the methods aren’t really as interesting to me as the emotional and psychological progression of how it happens but safe to say it was painful, intense, and even Sonic doesn’t remember much of the experience

On psychological level Eggman had been manipulating and slowly brainwashing Nicky from the moment they met, so more accurately he was being brainwashed for a year + 6 months before fully embracing who he was as Sonic and he did so by encouraging an obsession and attachment to him so great that Nicky would lose sight of who he actually was and become whatever Eggamn wanted him to be

Nicky’s internship was the perfect opportunity to get the obsession ball rolling and have him associate him with positive emotions, to have the kid open up to him, to make him think that he had a connection to him that no one else had and then get him hooked on it by isolating himself from his friends by filling his head with little doubts so Eggman would be his main confidant and adding some hatred for society as a whole to make it even more effective

Then after kidnapping Nicky, Eggman used all he learnt of the kid to manipulate him, to further confirm his doubts and insecurities and make him look like he was the only one who saw past those flaws, the only one he had, the only one who still cared all of that, who saw his potential to be something greater mixed with good old-fashioned drugs and torture to really fuck with his head and some very confusing mixed signals of gentleness so he would associate him not just with pain

The result was a mixed bag at first, Nicky was responding to it but for the most part he was very resistant, some hope still there that people were looking for him, that they’d find him, take him away from here.

But then that hope was crushed three months when he watched the live footage of his funeral proceedings and it sunk in that no one was coming. That he was alone.

Well… not alone… he had the doctor with him

From there Sonic became more attached to him, more willing to do bad things for him, more willing to do anything for him

The obsession basically spiralled out of control and here we are

[isalisewrites]

A Deep Dive into JKR's Terrible, Amateur Writing - Reflective Interlude

Hello and welcome to my ballsy series where I will prove to you, dear reader, that J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series and resident Twitter TERF, is actually a very, very poor writer.

And when I say ‘poor writer,’ I’m talking about her prose, her sentence structure, and her scenes in the Harry Potter series. I am not going to discuss anything about the HP world nor the overall plot of the books. 

This is all about the nitty gritty in the craft of writing itself.

Part One Link.

Part Two Link.

However…

Hiya! *waves* I’m Isa, the author of this… Actually, I dunno what to call this series anymore. Anyway, thus far, you’ve heard a very satirical tone from me in the previous two posts, but that’s not my normal tone. I’m a rather laid back kind of gal with a side of sarcasm and deluge of emoji usage.

I have used quite a confident, even bombastically obnoxious tone in the effort to be entertaining and engaging with these posts. It was meant to be playful and sarcastic. It’s the internet, so I’m aware everyone’s attention is… kind of like a commodity, unfortunately. Look at TikTok or YouTube. How long does a 30s video hold your attention before you’re scrolling to the next? It depends for me, I’ll admit. People don’t have the attention span for long style posts such as these and that’s fair. Sometimes, I don’t either.

Thus, I used repeated ‘catch phases’ to maintain a rhythm and a thematic style through the series with a controversial title meant to hook a reader. I repeat the opening, even in this post. I repeat ‘Class is in session’ to show the beginning of the major section of the post.

However, in this interlude, I’ve toned it all down because I wanted to give you a window into my heart, my purpose, and my intent in this series. It is a reflective post that ends with writing motivation to you, my dear reader, as well as links to writerly resources. 

I’ve had a lot to think about this week and I realized that many writers (and other creatives) have to battle against an enemy found within themselves. This enemy often torments many with cruel, destructive thoughts; they burrow their way into so many writers’ minds. It whispers: “Can you really do this? Are you really sure you’re any good? Aren’t you just fooling yourself? They’re going to find out you’re just a fraud. So… why bother?”

Whose voice is that?

Let’s talk about the destroyer of creation, Imposter Syndrome, why I refuse to let the bastard infect me anymore, and why my confident tone in previous posts has grated nerves.

Remember: take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.

(This means I write my posts with the honest acceptance and expectation that not everything will fit with your style, your vibes, or your personality. That’s okay.)

All right, let’s buckle up, my dear writing friends. Grab a snack. Hydrate. Let’s begin. And yes…

Class is in session on this little Tumblr post… should you wish to attend.

Having confidence or pride in one’s work seems to be taboo. Any brief moment in time where I tried to be proud about my writing or say, Hey, I’m a good writer, I was always told to be humble. “Don’t be prideful. Be humble.” It would often chip away at my self esteem. I could be a good writer, but I couldn’t allow myself to feel like a good writer.

But no more.

I have only given myself permission to be confident about my writing within the past month. This is why I started this series in the first place. I wanted to share knowledge and in an entertaining way. I make a bold claim that I’m a better writer than JKR; I analyze her writing to both improve my own understanding and to help others as well.

However, this does not mean I’ve ever been under the delusion I’m perfect. Absolutely not. God, that’s so fucking laughable! I am not perfect. I am not a perfect writer. I definitely don’t know everything. Someone once corrected me, informing me that snakes are venomous, not poisonous. Bless them, wasn’t aware of that. Immediately fixed that. One of the recent reblogs said geodes do not contain emeralds. God bless, I didn’t know that, though in the case of how it was used in TBG, I won’t be changing it since it’s within a character thought.

Sorry, Tom. I guess you need to take a geology class, too.

Ugh, and I have so many godforsaken typos. My soul withers when I catch a typo after I’ve posted a chapter. I miss things all the time. I repeat things because ‘that’s my thing’ and I don’t always catch them in my edits. I forget things all the time. Thank GOD for Dede, someone who loved TBG so much she spent countless hours archiving data from it, where she caught a number of inconsistencies and alerted me to them. I still haven’t been able to fix them yet, but I’m so grateful to her. I’ve noted them all down. Harry’s height often is incorrectly implied to be taller than it should be because my brain isn’t wired for imagery. My brain forgets TBG Harry is a short king at 5’4” while TBG Tom is 6’2” and I need to go back to fix all of those. 

I am not a perfect writer and I don’t claim to be.

My goals with this series are to study/learn for myself, teach/share knowledge with others, and learn some more from this experience. I love this kind of analysis. But there’s difference between my analysis of JKR’s writing and a number of those who have retaliated with an analysis of my writing. 

Instead of looking at my imperfections with the desire to learn from them, they were illuminated in the attempt to ‘take me down a notch.’ To those who put in the effort to make counterpoints, I do thank you for your contribution to this series. It is appreciated, even when given impolitely and with the intent to ‘put me in my place.’

Despite all of my errors and imperfections, I still stand by my statement: I am a better writer than J.K. Rowling.

Do you know who else is a better writer than her? I could list thousands of them. They’re fanfiction writers. They’re indie authors. They’re other traditional published authors. They are so many other writers that, yes, I do think are stronger writers than JKR. 

And you’re a better writer, too, so long as you wish it.

I sincerely want you to believe that.

Why? Because it’s clear within the Harry Potter series that JKR did not make attempts to grow as a writer. She just wrote. Perhaps she was under deadlines, but the lack of editing is pretty apparent to me. When you write a lot, you will inevitably get more skilled over time, but you have to actively be seeking improvement to see drastic change in your own skill. It is this lack of drive that I see within her work. She’s not making attempts to push the boundaries of her abilities and skills with each new book.

I’m not at the end of my journey of learning. I never will be. I love expanding my skills. I’m even learning during the process of writing these posts, too. I’m seeing more weaknesses in my own work and I’m now thinking on ways to strengthen my writing even further.

That’s the point of this series.

In the end, it’s not really about me. No, really, it’s not about me. I truly think it’s about the jealousy of seeing another writer be confident in their work. You see, I’m not supposed to be confident; I’m not supposed to act like I can help and teach others to write. How dare I. Posting anything about my work is an act of attention seeking. I’m supposed to be ‘humble.’ I’m supposed to be silent. I’m supposed to wave a shy, dismissive hand at compliments.

Why?

Why is being proud of one’s work and loving one’s own work such a controversial idea?

Imposter Syndrome often cripples creators. There’s already so much self doubt and anxiety in the world, but Imposter Syndrome can really wreck with a creator’s mind. It’s a poison. It stops you from creating what you love most. When you believe you aren’t good enough, then it becomes harder to try. Your belief becomes truth to you, whether or not it was true in reality in the first place. Perhaps, you sink into depression. You become anxious about sharing anything, for fear anyone might say even the slightest negative comment. The heart becomes fragile and brittle, and the muscle which builds skill atrophies over time. You see your work through a lens of self hate. You can only see flaws.

“I will never be good enough.”

When you’re in this state of mind, it’s hard to see the truth about your work.

But let me promise you something: your writing is far more beautiful than you realize.

In spirit, all creative writing is perfect to me with all of its typos and mistakes (yes, even all of the Harry Potter books!), but no single work is objectively perfect. There will always be room to improve your creation because you’re constantly growing. It’s why so many aspiring novelists fall into an endless cycle of editing their first few chapters. The more they write, the more they improve; thus, when they go back to their earlier chapters, they get stuck trying to update those chapters instead of pushing forward to the finish line.

Your work is valuable, no matter what. It’s beautiful. You’re allowed to love your work. You’re allowed to see the good in it and you’re allowed to have confidence in yourself. You’re allowed to say to yourself and to others, I’m a damn good writer.

You deserve to have love, for yourself and for your art.

I have often sincerely complimented other writers and, many times, after they respond with their thanks, it becomes clear to me they’re not confident in their work, yet they have still bravely shared it with us.

I’m so proud of them. Thank you for your bravery.

My heart breaks for them, too. They’re such good writers—such damn good writers. And I wish they knew and believed this.

I will always do everything in my power to encourage others.

How do you feel about your writing? Do you like your writing? You should. You really should because it is good. You created it, after all. There will always be space to grow and refine your craft, of course, but you are a good writer now. You’re going to be a better writer tomorrow and the next day, so long as you desire this growth in yourself. There’s no destination, though. There’s no magic level you have to reach before you’re allowed to have some confidence in yourself and your abilities. The only trap to avoid is remaining stagnant. Writing is a skill. Writing is a craft. This means it gets better through study and practice.

You can achieve that.

I know it’s hard, though. There are so many naysayers in life. There are so many people waiting to attack and bring others down, both on the internet and in our own families. How many precious fanfics have been lost because a writer received horrible, hateful comments? How many writers have disappeared from the internet because of this cruelty? We have lost many in all fandoms. That is unacceptable to me.

Uplift others. Spread love, not hate.

You’re allowed to be proud about your work, imperfect as it may be. Please, I beg you, don’t let the negative voices of others—including your own!—drag you down and steal the joy of creating. I know it’s so very, very hard to stand strong against such voices. Words have power, but you have more. Resist the naysayers.

What you have to offer the world is precious. Please lift your head and acknowledge that what you create is good. It’s great. It’s amazing. It’s fucking fantastic. You’re not an imposter nor a fraud. No one can offer what you can to the world. No one can write the stories you have in your head the way you can. Your style is unique to you. You’re allowed to love it as it is now and you’re allowed to love it whatever form it takes in the future.

Imposter Syndrome is a thief; toss it into jail and throw away the key.

My writing is not perfect and it never will be, but I’m a better writer today than I was ten years ago. I’m a seeker of my own growth. I’m often reading books on writing and watching YouTube videos on writing. I absorb it all because writing is my truest love and passion. My style has evolved from reading endless amount of novels and fanfics. I devour both. 

But I wasted a decade thinking I didn’t have what it takes.

And life is short. I can’t waste anymore time.

Don’t be like past Isa, please.

There’s a difference in refinement between an episodic fanfic posted over the course of years and a traditional novel published in whole, but I still stand by my work. I recognize my style will not be enjoyed by all those who read it. It’s okay if you don’t like my style. I’m eternally grateful for the many readers who do love my writing. I’m humbled and honored by the sheer volume of people who have commented, bookmarked, and have left kudos on my work. Thank you.

My style has evolved into what it is today due to a combination of two things.

I have ADHD. It’s why my style uses smaller paragraphs as a whole.

I have aphantasia. I lack a mind that can visualize pictures. I literally cannot see anything in my mind. When people say, “I can picture it in my mind,” that’s not me. I cannot at all. When there’s a lack of description in prose, it feels blank and empty to me. This is why I use vivid descriptions in the way I do because otherwise I feel nothing from my work.

It’s okay if this style doesn’t work for you. I love my style because it caters to what I need. I also love other styles that don’t use as much description; however, I can’t always follow what’s happening because of the wiring of my brain. I can get lost sometimes, but I still appreciate their style because I can’t effectively do what they can.

If you find no value in my style and what I offer in this series here, then that’s okay. I’m not offended. This series is for those who benefit from it. For you, there are so many other writers out there from whom you can learn and I’m more than happy to send you in the direction that benefits you the most.

Here’s a list of YouTubers you might find interesting.

ShaelinWrites has been working on many unpublished projects through the years and has lots of great discussion videos on writing.

Abbie Emmons is a self published author with solid writing advice in all of her videos. 

Alexa Donne is a traditionally published author with great insider information into the traditional publishing world. 

Ellen Brock is a professional editor. She knows her stuff.

I hesitantly suggest Jenna Moreci and her content on YouTube because I think she has some major weaknesses in her writing. Many others have seen this about her books. However, she is a successful indie author and her YouTube content has a lot of value.

Brandon Sanderson has an entire college course in a playlist on his channel. It’s a fabulous free resource if you vibe with his style of writing. Highly recommend. 

Here’s a list of writing books I recommend.

Elements of Fiction Writing, a five book series. My TOP recommendation is Elements of Fiction Writing - Beginnings, Middles & Ends.

Sin and Syntax: How to Craft Wicked Good Prose

Let the Crazy Child Write!: Finding Your Creative Writing Voice

Novelist's Essential Guide to Crafting Scenes

All right then.

Thank you for sticking around. I hope you accept this post in the good faith it was given and was always given in the previous posts. Next post, I’ll be returning to my playful satirical tone. Hehe~!

Please do the world the greatest of favors and write. Create. Share your fanfiction. Become best selling authors, traditional or indie. I promise you’re far more capable and skilled than you realize.

Until next time.

Isa

[dhmis-autism]

what do you think duck’s stance on love is?

Long story short, I think his perspective on it is insanely warped.

Short story long, I think he really really wants to love the other two, but is so insanely clueless on how to. I think my good friend Bear worded it once as “I don't think he's capable of providing much but he is absolutely going to force the others to let him try.”

I think that’s very apt.

But okay! Let’s get into it!

First things first we need to establish about my favorite little guy in the universe is that love is something that’s very important to him. He is the only one of the three who mentions love outside of it’s allotted episode. Once in the interview,

And twice in his song in family (which trust me we will GET TO)

It’s something that he obviously thinks about and is obviously important to him. I think if you want to get real nitty gritty you can even pick apart his individual lines in the Family song and see through his first line I’ve highlighted here as a definite facade, because in the second highlighted line he goes right back into what we got established about him in the (debatably canon) interview which is that not only does he want to love, but he wants that love to be reciprocated. To love and be loved in turn. Pretty easy goal right? Most people have that.

It’s how he goes about attaining this goal that I think makes him totally balls to the wall nuts. And to talk about how he attains this goal we NEED to talk about:

His Relationship with the Other Main Guys Around.

Now, if you read and really listen to what I have to say about this guy, you will often hear me saying that he makes a lot of assumptions and especially in regards to feelings. I have touched on it previously in this post. And with all things I say, I don’t say this without reason + evidence.

I think he does this fun little horrible thing where he assumes that HOWEVER he feels about the other two is the way they feel about him. Unquestionably reciprocated. I think this because of two scenes in particular, the Best Friend Debate at his funeral and his insistence that they are a family in Family.

Now, let’s break down these two scenes and I’ll highlight the bits I think are the most important to my point.

BFD (Best Friend Debate) is a classic, everyone knows it by heart, but the point I want to focus on here is these few lines-

Here we see Duck make an assumption about the nature of his relationship with Red Guy, namely, that it’s much closer than it actually is. Duck feels that they’re best friends, so surely the other party MUST feel the same way. When RG pushes back against this assumption and doesn’t respond the way Duck would like, instead of backing down or trying to realize that maybe he was mistaken, Duck pushes it further.

It does not matter if Red Guy doesn’t think they’re best friends. Duck thinks they are and so that is the truth. In his crazy little head, at least. Anyways, pay attention to this next bit, because it’ll crop up again, RG pushes further, emphasizing that he DOES NOT feel the same way and instead of accepting it…

Duck digs his heels in further and starts coming up with reasons. Here being, well you have to be my best friend, I’m leaving you my things, I wouldn’t do that if we weren’t close!

It is a little bit pathetic. And it gets pathetic-er!

Onto the scene in Family. It runs pretty similarly! Duck makes an assumption about his relationship with the other two, in this episode, it’s that they are a family.

The other parties involved in this assumption reject it. His immediate response to ‘No we aren’t.’ is “Yes we are!”.

Then he begins his reasoning….

And it goes on.

For the rest of the episode.

Just near-constant trying to justify his assumption and give reasons why they ARE  a family and fit Lily and Todneys weird criteria (most notably trying desperately to emulate the Family Meeting) , no matter what the other two had to say. And he continues this weird bargaining (that is NOT working btw) until he is forcibly,physically removed from the other two.

That is the ONLY thing that gets him to stop. And even then all he does after is just sing his sad little song that just keeps emphasizing scenes of him with the other two, where the other two just fade away and he’s alone.

So! To establish what we know so far:

Duck wants to love and be loved in return.

Duck assumes the other two love him the same way he loves them.

When the other two object, or say they don’t, his immediate response is they they do, actually!

When that doesn’t work, he starts looking for evidence/justifications for why the other two are wrong.

WHICH IS A HORRIBLE CRAZY TWISTED VIEW ON LOVE. Like you cannot just ‘yuh huh’ someone into feeling the same way about you that you feel about them. You cannot just force these square pegs into these triangle holes!!

And all that’s not even GETTING into how weirdly obsessed he is with the other two, how I think that fuels his relationship with the house/their world and the weird complacency that plays into that.

The first point btw, I have touched on before! On these posts! ( https://dhmis-autism.tumblr.com/post/727102688807043072/my-headcannon-is-that-duck-has-been-in-a-state-of , https://dhmis-autism.tumblr.com/post/726233248232079360/i-feel-like-the-original-series-was-red-guy )

But for now!! That’s a rough intro to how fucked up I think this birds perspective is! ( •̀ ω •́ )✧

[jupiter-letters]

Dating J'onn J'onnz would include:

Fem!Reader or GN!Reader TW: None

A/N: For the sake of my sanity and J’onn’s happiness, Martians are alive and well and these headcanons are based more on the young justice show. The reader is already a member of the justice league in this but maybe I’ll do some civilian headcanons later.

You both started out as pretty good friends but you never thought he’d like you romantically due to cultural differences. For him what you looked like didn’t really matter, your personalities meshed so well he wanted you around all the time. 

Despite having an open and honest friendship you kind of tried to bury your feelings from J’onn when you guys would talk telepathically. He did pick up on this though and it bothered him for a while but he didn’t want to pry. 

There’s this lingering tension though, you both like each other but one doesn’t want to overstep and the other is afraid of rejection. Other people can pick up on it too but nobody wants to say anything. There’s this romantic undertone with how you guys talk to each other but again nobody says anything. The other members of the league watching you guys interact is basically like this:

J’onn: “Would you like some refreshments after your journey to the watchtower? I’ve prepared some coffee for you.”  You: Ah, no thank you I appreciate it! Are you ok? I heard your last fight in Metropolis was tough, I was worried about you.  J’onn: And I you, your battle with Grodd caused me some distress but it was well fought. I’m happy you are unharmed.”

Wonder woman, Superman and Shazam standing in the corner like ???🧍‍♀️🧍‍♂️🧍???

Things really get shaken up when M’gann makes her debut, she picks up on it as soon as you enter the room thinking you wouldn’t mind(due to your friendship of course). She ends up reaching into that crevice you thought you’d hidden. J’onn is unaware of this for like a second before she just comes out and says it. “Uncle J’onn have you guys started dating yet??” After she says that he’s looking at her like 👁️👄👁️. 

You fall out of your chair and M’gann realizes she messed up. Lucky for her she made a swift exit out of the room. You try not to make eye contact but J’onn is looking directly at you. 

At this point you both couldn’t put it off anymore and talked it out. You tell him your insecurities and he does the same. His fears about the attraction not being mutual due to the whole alien thing. Fortunately for you guys none of that matters since you’re so sickeningly in love. Now we get to the nitty gritty! The dating!

J’onn does everything in his power to learn Earth customs, especially your own culture, the language, the food. He wants to learn about it all to be closer to you. If english isn’t your native language he does a little brain download of it and speaks it with you. He’ll even prepare your favorite dish despite many, many failed attempts. When you make the same effort to learn about Martian culture it really warms his heart. It’s a rocky road but you get the hang of it, his family loves having you over. They’ll shapeshift into you when you come over and give you one big hug. 

You have to awkwardly explain why you’re seeing a new guy every week before J’onn chooses a form he likes. He doesn’t understand why it’d be a problem but he stops for you. It doesn’t matter though since he takes it off when you get home or when you’re among friends. He loves to shapeshift for you to make you laugh, turning into celebrities or mascots to prank you. You wake up in the morning and open the bathroom door to see Chiitan taking a shower. He’ll even do stupid stuff like long furbys or the fresno nightcrawler. 

Fighting together is a breeze, nobody is crazy enough to go after you in the field. And psychic attacks forget it, you can’t beat a martian when it comes to telepathy. People often underestimate how strong J’onn actually is so they do enter the process of fucking around and finding out. He never doubts your ability to protect yourself either but if the need arises and you get overwhelmed he will step in. 

You understand J’onn’s feelings more than most, despite constantly being linked to each other’s mind. Like Bruce his body language is subtle, there are certain ways his lips twitch or how he rubs his fingers together. You both have a great understanding of each other’s emotions, it’s so wonderful. He never keeps things from you and is very blunt with his opinions. He feels like it’s insulting to you to use flowery language instead of being honest. 

He doesn’t mind PDA, however much you’re comfortable with he’ll do. However he won’t be hanging off of you in public, he will stay within arms reach. He always wants you to know he’s nearby and you’re safe. His love language largely revolves around words of affirmation. J’onn is a great person to vent to since he is a great listener and he’s lived a long life so he’s got some words of wisdom. You need advice? He’s your man.

You can literally feel how much he loves you, he’ll even show you how he sees you. All colorful and bright like the sun. He’d literally walk through fire for you, his loyalty is unmatched.🗣️🗣️ You always tell him he doesn’t need to but he’ll do it anyway. After the most difficult day of missions and handling Martian and Earth politics, a moment in your arms rejuvenates him. For someone who isn’t super touchy the other thing he loves to do is hold your head in his hands and press your foreheads together. No words are exchanged, you just quietly enjoy each other’s presence. 

Thanks for reading! Lemme know what you think. Please like or reblog if you like my stuff.

[buckybarnesisdaddy]

Summer Lovin’ pt 1

Summary: Getting into the villa took more work than expected. What didn’t surprise you though was the drama that would ensue, you just didn’t think it would all involve you.

Pairing: those are surprises at the moment! 🤭 Everly(reader) X ???, Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, Jake Jensen, Natasha Romanoff, Wanda Maximoff, Peggy Carter, Colin Shea, brief mention of Brock Rumlow. Also original characters.

Rating: Mature!

Warnings: talks of sex, making out, lap dances, petting, PTSD talks. Talks of war, trauma, bombs, war time violence. Graphic talk of injuries.

A/N: there is so much I want to give a heads up for, not bad just some choices I made. So I’ll do that at the end. 😉

Masterlist

You take a deep breath as you climb out of the car. Your bags disappear as a production assistant ushers you down the walk way. “So you will stand here and we are gonna ask you a few questions, okay?” The camera man in front of you has a blank stare as he zooms in closer, the production assistant gives you a look from behind the camera, she motions for you to smile.

“I’m sorry, are we starting now? Like right now?” You ask as you look around, trying to take in the view for just a second. The assistant taps the camera man’s shoulder and motions for him to back up.

“Yes, we are starting now. But we can give you a minute if you need it.” She assures you, thanking her with a smile. “How about while we wait, you tell me about yourself. I actually don’t know anything about you, so leave nothing out.” The assistant chirps happily. You nod and smooth out your sun dress, your fingers fidgeting with the wrinkles.

“Oh, um okay. I thought everyone would know every nitty gritty detail of our lives before we got on set.”

“Villa,” the assistant corrects you. “It will make it feel more like home.” She smiles. You nod as you look around.

“Right, Villa. The Love Island Villa.” You say quietly as you turn around and look at the looming mansion behind you. The assistant motions to the camera man to start rolling again, but this time he backs up and makes sure to not be seen. The cobblestone driveway clicks beneath your heels as you shuffle around in place. Gazing up at the two story mansion before you, modern but still home like. The black and gray color that make up the exterior contrasts all the bright pink, orange, and yellow that make up the furnishings, and decor. The windows reflect the sun brightly and the greenery perfectly placed along the balconies and tresses are lush and full of life, and quietly under all the excess noise coming from the camera crew and the production team, you can hear the roar and crash of the ocean waves. You take a deep breath and turn back to the production assistant. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name before.” You ask, extending your hand for a shake. She smiles and reaches her hand out to yours.

“Annie” She offers. You nod and shake her hand.

“It’s nice to meet you Annie, I’m Everly.”

“Nice to meet you, Everly. Now how about you tell us about yourself.”

🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩

You spend the next hour making an intro video that will be played on TV. After that Annie sits you down and explains the rules of the show. “Okay, No leaving the villa before the end of filming, unless of course you are voted off. Have physical altercations of you will be removed from the villa by police and charges may potentially be filed. You can’t have your own personal phone or communication device of any kind. We will provide you with one while you are here and it is solely for the purpose of texting between production and the participants. You must adhere and pass all drug and STD testing while you are here or else you will be removed from the island. And lastly, have fun!” You hear everything Annie is saying and you just nod.

“Do people really fail their STD screenings when coming in?” You ask and Annie laughs.

“You’re be surprised! It also depends on what it is. If it’s easily treatable then we may keep you and just quarantine you.” You lightly laugh.

“Well I don’t plan on getting one.” Annie laughs.

“No one plans on getting and STD, Everly.” She guides you back to the car. “Alright, now that we’ve got you checked in and set up, we wait!” You scrunch your eyebrows.

“Wait?? I thought-“ you point to the villa.

“Oh don’t worry, you are on the island.” You take a breath at Annie’s reassurance, you’re not sure why, you didn’t even sign up for this stupid love show, your friends did it for you. “But production of reviewing all your information and the other girls information as we can decide what order to introduce you to each other.” Annie smiles and then whispers, “But you have nothing to worry about, you’re total bombshell material.” And with that Annie is gone.

**** 1 month ago****

“Nooooo!!” You drunkenly whine. “Sarah why?!” Sarah, your best friend since childhood laughs.

“Because! The last man you let touch you was that pathetic excuse of a boyfriend you had! You need love, Evie!” Sarah says sweetly as you pout and pour another glass of wine.

“I don’t Need anything.” You correct her and she raises her hands in surrender.

“Okay true, you don’t need a man or love. But it couldn’t hurt to let yourself have it. Just because you don’t need it doesn’t mean it isn’t nice to have.” You grumble, knowing Sarah is right. “This is a fun and easy way to get back into the dating world, and to meet a lot of hot guys while you’re at it! After everything with Colin and don’t even get me started on Brock-” You sigh.

“Yeah I guess.” You laugh to yourself. “You know what? You’re right! Why should Colin be the last guy who’s ever touched me?! He doesn’t deserve that title!” You exclaim, the wine finally settling in and carrying you to the loud drunk stage.

“Yes, that’s the spirit! Now, let me tell you all about the island.” Sarah giggles as she explain her favorite guilty pleasure TV show.

“So it’s like the Bachelor but better?”

“Yes!! And babes,” Sarah looks you up and down. “You are bombshell material!!” Sarah hypes you up. “Those eyes and that hair! Those lips and hips! Those boys will be eating out of the palm of your hand and those girls are gonna be Mad!” Sarah laugh and you giggle.

“I don’t want to make enemies!” You laugh nervously.

“To quote the age old, love island proverb, ‘it’s love Island, not friendship island.’” You bust out laughing, the wine finally making you lose your mind and Sarah is right there with you.

****

You smile as you think back to that night. Sarah had helped you with your shopping spree the next day. Bathing suits, dresses, cute outfits. All of it perfectly fitting your style and helping you stay true to who you are. You fidget with your sundress again as you look down at your freshly tanned legs and painted toes. You been sitting for almost an hour with no word from Annie, maybe they looked at all your stuff and changed their minds. Now they are hoping you get the hint and leave. “No, Everly. Don’t think like that. They would have brought your luggage back if that were the case. Stop worrying.” You say to yourself. You think about how your mom reacted when you told her you’d be gone for 8 weeks to be on a dating show. She about blew a gasket and then she laughed and cried and wished you good luck. Your sister promised to keep detailed notes so she could tease you mercilessly once you got back. Your dad and brother promised to not watch a single episode after they googled and realized what all could happen on the show. Your dad said, “I’ll meet whoever wins your heart after the fact. I don’t need to see you swapping spit with him.” You laugh out loud at that memory.

About five minutes later Annie walks back in. “Okay Everly! You ready to get changed? We have this bathing suit for you.” She holds up one from your suitcase.

“Did you go through my stuff?” You ask as you take the swimsuit from her.

“We have to make sure no contraband is snuck in. Don’t worry, we don’t touch any self care items we find.” She winks and your face goes red. You didn’t pack anything like that but you know Sarah and your sister, Lizzy were snooping around your bag before you got picked up. “Oh god, what did they put in there?” You mumble to yourself and Annie laughs having heard you.

“Well if it was your friends that snuck that certain item inside then they want you to have a great time, regardless of finding love of not.” You blush bright red and dart into the changing room.

You slip on your bikini, it’s royal blue and fits you perfectly. The bottom is full around your butt with the slightest bit of a cheeky cut. You adjust them again as you recall telling Sarah ‘none of those boys have earned seeing any more of my ass.’ As you look at yourself in the mirror you stand by your decision. The top perfectly supports your breast and honestly makes them look irresistible. You slip on your sandals and walk out to meet Annie. “Oh perfect! Although, are you sure you don’t want these heels?” She holds up a pair you brought from home.

“I’m sure, I want to keep the sandals for now.” Annie nods and then takes you folded up clothes.

“Okay, these will be placed in the bedroom with your suitcase,” she holds up your clothes. “Now we are going to film your entrance and then you walking into the villa. After that, you’re on your own until we check in with you. Okay?”

“Okay.” You take a breath and wait for them to say action.

You push open the main door and are immediately greeted with a giant neon sign that says ‘Love’. You smile and start to feel a little excited. You hear some others moving around upstairs so you make your way up. Passing by the living room, decorated ceiling to floor with pink, orange, yellow, and green and the kitchen with neon lights along the kitchen island and another neon sign that says ‘snacks’, you find the stairwell rather plain. But it open up to a giant room filled with 4 large beds. The floor is marble and there is a nice sized carpet in the middle of the room. The four beds face each other, two on one wall and two on the other, with a grand chandelier in the middle of the ceiling providing the light. At the very back there is an opening into the bathroom. A walk into shower, big enough for 2 and a tub big enough for 4, thankfully there seems to be a separate area for the actual toilets which there are three stalls in a little hallway on the other side of the shower. The shower is nestled in the corner with tiled walls except for the glass door and the tub sits under a large window that looks out over the yard. With further examination you see that there is in fact a door to the bathroom that can be locked, and that sets your mind more at ease.

You take another look at your surroundings and notice no one else is around. “So not the bombshell,” you sigh. “Great.” You explore some more when you hear people moving around again. “Hello?!” You call out, hoping to get an answer.

“Did you hear that?!” Says one girl with a sweet voice. It’s a little deeper and it has a Smokey sound to it, but still inviting.

“Yeah, it sounded like another girl!” The next girl says, her voice is lighter and softer, like velvet. You can’t tell there is the slightest bit of an accent.

“Oh great, the bombshell arrived.” The last girl says is a very proper British accent.

“Cut it out, let go find her and introduce ourselves.” The first girl says. You take a deep breath and prepare for whoever is about to walk out of the closet. First is a shorter woman, she has beautiful hair that is red at the roots and blonde on the ends, she’s obviously let it grow out and she’s absolutely owning it. She walks with grace and poise as she crosses the room to you.

“Hi, I’m Natasha. And you are?”

“Everly! It’s nice to meet you.” You smile at her and her friendly attitude.

“Likewise.” Natasha offers. Two more woman come walking out of the dressing room. One with bright red hair and soulful eyes and the other with brown curls and red lipstick.

“Did I hear your name is Everly?” The other red head asks, you nod. “It’s nice to meet you, I’m Wanda.” She moves in and hugs you, you’re a little taken aback but you don’t mind. The other woman stares at you over Wanda’s shoulder before she smiles and introduces herself.

“I’m Margret, but most people call me Peggy.” Her voice sounds familiar but you think nothing of it, You smile and wave

“Nice to meet you.” looking around and sighing. “So how long have y’all been here?” Natasha settles on the bed behind her.

“Not too long. Enough to get settled and get ready to meet the boys.” She smirks. “But before we do that we need to know more about you! Tell us a little something, Everly!” You laugh and shrug,

“Not much to tell! I am a physical therapist and I work primarily with Veterans who have been through a life changing physical trauma.” Natasha and Wanda beam at you and Peggy just gives a tight smile, you realize she looks familiar too but you can’t place her. “I had a boyfriend of 2 years until I found him in bed with someone else back in December. I dumbed him and have been healing ever since. My friend nominated me for the show and after some soul searching I decided I am ready to give this all a try, hopefully find Love and if not then at least have a good summer.” Natasha looks at Wanda with a smile.

“So you’re here for love too!?” Wanda asks.

“Of course, I mean that’s the name of the game, right?” You joke and she nods.

“I’m ready to settle down.” Wanda says. “Natasha here is on the love hunt too.” Wanda teases and Natasha laughs and rolls her eyes.

“I am open to finding love but if all I have is a summer of fun then so be it. Isn’t that right Peggy?” Natasha turns to the tight lipped, familiar lady standing on the other side of the group.

“Definitely, we are all here for our own agendas and our own lives. Whatever our reasons are, are our own.” Peggy says as she crosses her arms. You look at Natasha’s who gives you a face and you hide your laughter.

“Well said, Peggy.” Natasha answers. “Anyway, Everly what is your type?”

“My type?” You ask.

“Yeah! Like mine is nerdy and sweet.” Wanda offers. “Natasha’s is moody and loyal.”

“You make my type sound like a dog.” Natasha jokes and you three laugh.

“Oh I didn’t mean it like that!” Wanda exclaims. “If anyone’s type is like a dog it’s Peggy’s! Protective but able to take orders?!” The girls laughs and Peggy roles her eyes.

“I would have much appreciated if you had kept my ‘type’ to yourself.” Peggy crosses her arms. Wanda is about to apologize but Natasha stops her.

“Oh calm down Peggy. It’s a type of man, not your bank codes.” At that Peggy does crack a smile. “We are just having some fun, lighten up! It is too early to be making enemies and something tells me Everly is gonna be someone you want to be friends with.” Natasha winks as she looks at you and asks you again. “So Everly, what’s your type?!” You blush and look at your feet and then back at her.

“Well I am a hopeless romantic. The idea of meeting someone in a coffee shop and spending the whole day with them because the conversation and company is just that good? That makes me melt. So my type is the romantic, passionate, sweet type.” Wanda smiles and looks like she’s gonna melt where she is.

“Yes! Someone to sweep you off your feet and then defend you honor all at the same time.” You laugh and nod.

“Yeah, something like that.” Suddenly a phone dinging gets all of your attention.

“It’s my phone!” Wanda excitedly exclaims as she read sit out loud.

*Wanda, the boys are waiting downstairs for you to make your move. #showthemwhatyou’vegot*

Wanda looks up and about squeals from happiness. “I’ll see you all outside!” Wanda hurries down the stairs and outside. Natasha grabs your arm and drags you closer to the window.

“Can you see them?!” Natasha asks.

“No, not a one. But we will see them soon!” You answer back as you try to Crain your neck just enough to catch a glimpse. Natasha’s phone dings.

“Some of us sooner rather than later.” Natasha teases. “See you down there!” She runs down the stairs. You sit in silence with Peggy who looks like she’d rather be anywhere else.

“So what do you do, Peggy?” She looks over at you and politely smiles.

“I am a military contractor.” Peggy says. You nod not having a clue what that means. The awkward silence is broken by your phone dinging.

“Huh,” she smiles up at you, “guess they are saving the best till last.” You don’t even bother to look at her, you just read your phone.

*Everly, it’s time for a bombshell like you to shake things up. Two of the four boys are coupled up but those boys could still step forward and fight for a chance to couple up with you. #Gogetthem #bombshellalert #summerlovin’

🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩

You feel butterflies in your stomach and you take a deep breath. “Okay, Everly. Let’s do this.” You walk downstairs and out to the back doors. You take another breath and decide to give it your best sexy strut. The big white doors open and the sun shines on your face, the warmth sends tingles down your spine. You toss your hair around a little as you start your entrance. Making sure you add a little bounce to your step as you descend the concrete stairs to the grassy yard. You take another deep breath, “hiya boys!” You holler and wave as you get closer. The four men in front of you stand with their eyes locked and jaws dropped. “I heard y’all were ready for some summer Lovin’. I’m Everly, nice to meet you.” You wink and walk even closer. Natasha cat calls you and Wanda cheers. The boys are mesmerized by you and just watches your every move.

“Hi, I’m Steve.” The tall, blonde, chiseled man to your right offers a bright smile as he itches to move closer to you. His eyes are a pretty blue and his smile is bright and infectious.

“Hi Steve.” You bite your lip a little and then smile.

“And I’m Bucky.” Says the tall, brunette, and just as chiseled man to the right of Steve. His eyes are a pale blue and his voice is so smooth, you can already imagine what sweet nothings would sound like coming from that voice. He holds himself proud and strong, you can tell he is a sturdy man. Natasha laughs and nudges his arm. She cocks her eyebrow and Bucky blushes as he looks back at you. You smirk and give a little wave and wink which seem to do the trick.

“Hi Bucky.” The next man is tall and blonde but his hair is shorter and a little spiky. His glasses are round a look absolutely adorable on him. He is a little nerdy looking but in a way that you totally love. He fumbles a little and looks between you and Wanda. Wanda smiles and gives him a nod.

“I’m Jake- and wow! Oh I’m sorry-” He looks at Wanda who nudges him.

“No I agree,” she looks back at you and smiles. “Wow is right.” You notice Steve fidgeting and you can feel Bucky’s eyes admiring your form. You dart your eyes to the side and he knows he was caught. You smile to let him know that you don’t mind it at all before you shift your eyes back to Jake.

“Well, thank you, Jake. That was really sweet.” You coo as sweetly as you can before you walk in front of the last man in line. He is of course, tall, his skin is beautiful and glowing in the sun. His abs are incredible and he stands as though he was military. He smiles and has the smallest gap in his front teeth. It’s kinda cute.

“Hi, I’m Sam.” He says as he stands straighter and looks you up and down.

“Hi Sam.” You offer back with a nice smile. You look at the boys and give them all a contemplative look. You are very interested in all of them but you don’t want to ruffle any feathers, at least not on the first day that is. “Okay, I am going to couple up with-“ You see Natasha elbow Bucky and he jumps forward.

“Now wait, you’re supposed to ask us to step forward if we are into you.” He gives you a shy little smile. You blush and look at Sam and Steve who just shrug. Sam steps forward, Bucky eyes him and steps forward as well. You are caught off guard, of course you want men fighting for your heart, it’s nice to be wanted. But so publicly and at the express of the new friends you’ve made.

“Now boys, hold on-“ you start but are interrupted by Steve.

“Well if we are really doing this,” Steve says as he walks forward. Jake shuffles around and Wanda squeezes his hand.

“Step forward if you want, Jake. It’s okay, it’s the first 30 minutes of knowing each other, no one should be too attached at the moment.” Jake shuffles forward and stands shoulder to shoulder with the other three men. You blush and look at each guy overwhelmed by their interest in you.

“Well, I am very flattered but I don’t want to step on any toes.” You start to explain again when Natasha interrupts you.

“No need to worry, Everly. We just met these guys and we have all summer to woo and win them back if you take them.” She winks and you laugh.

“Well how about you tell me about yourselves.” You say and Sam speaks up first.

“I am a retired airman. Now I work in security. I’ve got a boat I love to work on back home and I’ve got jokes for days.” He smiles and you laugh, teasing him a bit.

“So it takes you days to tell a singular joke? Must not be that funny.” You wink and Sam laughs as he shuffles around.

“Oh we’re gonna have fun.” You shrug and move on to the next.

“Jake? What about you?” Jake smiles and adjusts his glasses.

“Well I’m retired military as well. Actually I’m supposed to be dead.” You gasp and he shrugs. “Anyway, I have a niece I am crazy about and I’m really good with computers and tech.” He smiles proudly and you can’t help but smile back.

“I’m sure your niece is very proud of you.” You assure him and Jake beams back at you. You then turn to Bucky.

“Oh my turn? Right, so I am a retired army Sergeant. I now work as a carpenter, me and my buddy started a construction company a few years back and it’s going pretty well. I also do some freelance security work.” You laugh as you ask.

“What does that mean?”

Bucky smirks at you. “If I told you then I’d have to kill you.” He winks and you blush and promptly look at Steve.

“I am a retired army Captain,” he looks at Bucky as he emphasizes his higher rank, and Bucky lightly laughs and shakes his head. “Funny enough I also work in carpentry and have a business with my buddy. Who I also work in freelance security with on the side.” Everyone looks at each other and then back at Bucky and Steve.

“Wait,” you ask. “You two are friends? And know each other from the outside?” Steve and Bucky laugh and nod.

“Yeah, Buck and I go way back.” Steve answers as he squeezes Steve’s shoulder.

“Childhood friends and all. Someone had to keep him from getting his teeth kicked in.” Bucky says as he puts Steve in a headlock. Sam and Jake are laughing, the girls are all in shock and Steve pushes Bucky off of him with a loud laugh. You look at Natasha and she cocks an eyebrow.

“You’re also all veterans, huh? Everly what was it that you do again?” Natasha taking on the role of best/worst wingman in the world. You clear your throat and wish away the blush rising in your cheeks.

“I’m a physical therapist. I work with Veterans who have experienced life changing physical trauma.” All four boys look at you in awe.

“WOW, that’s amazing.” Sam says.

“Could have used one of those when I got out.” Jake says jokingly.

“I bet you’ve helped a lot of men and women get back a little piece of themselves.” Steve admires.

“I know the work you do, mine changed my life after my accident.” Bucky admits, that’s when you notice the faint, white scarring across the left side of his chest and left arm. Your professional curiosity is about to get the better of you but you quickly snap back to the task at hand.

“I do what I can, I hope I’ve made a difference.” You gently smile at Bucky and he gazes back. Natasha clears her throat.

“So Everly, you gonna steal one of our guys?” You look at Natasha and then back at Bucky and Steve. You smirk and playfully answer back.

“Now Natasha, it wouldn’t be any fun if I stole them, they may choose me on their own.” You wink and Natasha give a playful laugh. Bucky looks like he’s about to melt where he is and Steve looks about ready to jump out of his skin. “Well I don’t want to ruffle feathers and we have all summer, plus this guy looks about as sweet as a golden retriever and I need that energy in my life.” Wanda looks a little worried, thinking you’ve got eyes for Jake. You assure her by flicking your gaze to the man you are choosing. “I want to couple up with Steve.” Steve punches the air and gives you a big hug as you jog over to him. You stand by his side as you wait to Peggy to make her entrance. She comes waltzing down the stairs and you feel Steve shift around a little but then he looks at you with his deep blue eyes and you melt. He takes your hand and give it a reassuring squeeze. You then hear Bucky whisper to Steve, “I thought they usually saved the Bombshell for last? After Everly my head is spinning so much I can’t bring myself to focus.” Steve agrees. You blush and try not to let it go to your head.

“Well, hello boys.” Peggy says sweetly. “Seems most of you are coupled up,” her gaze flicks to Steve, “but we could change that. Step forward if you fancy me.” Sam steps forward and so does Jake. She looks at Steve and then her eyes float to you. You can tell Peggy is gonna cause some trouble in the future. “Hmmm I think I will couple up with this tall, handsome man right here.” She takes Sam’s arm and Jake shuffles back to Wanda who promptly wraps her arms around his. You get a text.

*Islanders, these will be your couples until the next recoupling. Which may be sooner rather than later. Take some time to know your partner and the fellow islanders. #flirtaway #mixitup*

You turn and look at Steve, he smiles down at you and then looks around to find a place to talk. “The daybeds look like a nice quiet place to talk, wanna?” He asks and you nod.

“Lead the way.” You two make you way across the lawn and pass the pool to the little covered patio on the other end of the lawn. The daybeds lay three in a row and face the rest of the yard. Steve sits down first and you crawl on the bed next to him. As you get settled you meet his gaze and his eyes flick from yours to your lips and then back again. Blushing and looking away, Steve lightly laughs, “So, tell me a little about yourself, Everly.” He reclines and rests one arm across his chest and the other behind his head. His smile is warm and he stares at you like you’re the most important person in the world, you feel butterflies erupt in your stomach as you meet his gaze.

“Well, as I said before I am a physical therapist but I also do some writing on the side. Helps take my mind off of work and lets me escape a little.” Steve raises his eyebrows in surprise.

“A writer too? WOW, what kind of stuff do you write?” He asks as he sits forward, even more intrigued.

“Romance of course!” You tease and Steve laughs. “But really, it’s love stories and teeth rotting sweetness. Just something to lighten up my mood after a hard day.” Steve beams at you and reaches out to squeeze your hand. “Humm what else? I have a sister and brother that I adore and my parents have been married for almost 30 years. I’m pretty easygoing, I love to spend time with friends and my loved ones.”

“Do you live near your family?” Steve asks as he rubs his thumb over the back of your hand.

“I do, but not so close that they would drop by unannounced.” Steve laughs and nods.

“I know what you mean. My mom lives across town and I make sure it stays that way. Don’t get me wrong, I adore my mom, but sometimes you need your own space.”

“Yes!” You exclaim. “Sorry,” you apologize for your loudness, looking around to see if anyone was disturbed by the outburst. All you see is Peggy staring at the two of you. “Umm sorry,” you laugh, “But I totally get that. My sister drops by sometimes unannounced and well let’s just say she has seen some things.” You blush and Steve lets out a loud laugh.

“Oh really?! What kinda things?” He smirks and leans a little closer, itching for the juicy details. You blush even more.

“Umm like an afternoon delight in the kitchen.” You cover your face and Steve pulls your hands away.

“Hey, no need to be shy!” He smiles kindly at you. “Would it make you feel better if I told you an embarrassing sex story too?” You laugh.

“Absolutely!” You cross your legs and lean your elbow on your knees and as you gaze up at him. He laughs and starts to blush himself.

“Well I was still enlisted when this happened. We were out on assignment and were waiting for the all clear to move in on our target. We were board and well, one of the M.A.S.H surgeons decided it would be fun to play strip poker. One thing led to another and me and her were in the back of the humvee going all the way.” You interrupt him.

“Steve this just sounds like your bragging about getting laid in a war zone.” You tease and Steve holds a hand up.

“Hold on, I’m not done.” He laughs and looks up at the sky, “Right as we were about to finish, the back door to the humvee opens.” You gasp and Steve nods, “yup, apparently while we were naked they radioed that we had to move out immediately. Everyone was geared up and ready to go but when they opened the door all they saw was my ass-“ Just then You hear Bucky and Natasha walking over, Bucky decides to finish the story for Steve.

“Yup! And that’s why we lovingly called him America’s ass the rest of his enlistment.” Bucky grins and pats Steve’s back. You try not to laugh as you look at a blushing Steve. He just nods and gives you permission, and you can’t hold it in anymore.

“Oh my god, that’s horrible. And kinda funny.” You laugh and Steve smiles, he likes your laugh, it’s sweet and light. He could listen to you laugh all day.

“I’m a big boy, I can handle being laughed at. But can you Bucky? Should I tell Natasha your embarrassing sex story?”

Nat laughs and looks between the two of them. “You two swap sex stories?” You giggle as you look back at Steve.

“Well yeah, don’t you?” He teases Natasha and she nods in agreement. “So Bucky are you gonna tell it or should I?” Bucky shrugs and looks at you with a smirk.

“Go ahead Stevie.”

“Stevie?” You question with a smirk of your own, Steve blushes and nods.

“Something my mom and my overprotective best friend always called me growing up. Now it’s just whipped out in times where he wants to be condescending.” Bucky laughs and agrees.

“Well I like it, Stevie.” You reach out and ruffle his hair and he catches your hand and give sit a kiss. “But back to the topic at hand, Bucky’s embarrassing sex story!” The four of you laugh and Bucky raises his hands.

“I was with a girl and her dad caught us. Walked right in there for a visit and apparently he had a key. And we were taking advantage of the great lighting in the living room of her apartment.” Natasha gasps.

“Wait?! As in like videos?!” Natasha asks, Bucky blushes and you want to see him do it again.

“If I said no would you believe me?” Bucky says to Nat and she laughs out loud.

“What?!? Like only fans???” Natasha asks, not weirded out at all but interested.

“Yes but it wasn’t mine. It was hers and it was a 1 time thing. We met at a bar and we were gonna hook up so she asked if wouldn’t mind being filmed. I said I didn’t care as long as my face and voice weren’t shown. So we set it all up and got to business. Her dad caught us before we could finish. So the video was deleted and that was my short, non-existent only fan’s career.” Your jaw is dropped and Natasha is laughing. Steve can’t breathe he is laughing so hard. “Anyway, it was for the best cause that was my first and only 1 night stand.” Natasha stops laughing.

“Wait really? Not trying to shame you, just wondering why.” Natasha asks as she takes his hand in hers. He smiles at her and then his gaze flicks to you before he answers.

“I’m more of the romantic type. I can flirt the pants off any women in a heartbeat but 99.9% of the time I then promptly ‘put them back on’. I’m kinda old fashioned in that way, I like it to mean something. Actually now that I think about it that story is kinda sad cause I was going through some shit and I was kinda in a spiral.” Bucky looks from you to Steve. He then lightly laughs. “Way to bring the mood down, Buck.”

“No, you didn’t, Bucky.” You assure him, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. “Thanks for sharing. And I think that’s sweet about wanting it to mean something, I’m like that too, hopeless romantic and all.” Bucky’s eyes light up in a way that only you catch. He nods.

“Thanks, Everly.” He then looks at Natasha. “So, what’s your story?” Before she can answer her phone dings. “Saved by the bell!” She laughs and opened the message as she screams for the other to join.

“I got a text!!” Wanda and Peggy run over, followed by Sam and Jake.

*Islanders, head to the fire pit for a steamy game of Truth or Dare. If the fire isn’t burning by the end then a switch up may be coming your way. #Hotandheavy #getthefirestarted #sparksareflying*

You and Steve look at each other and then back at Natasha and Bucky. “Sounds like if there aren’t sparks flying then that decoupling might happen sooner than we expected.” Bucky says as he looks at you and then back at Natasha. “We should probably head over.” He says as he stands up, you three follow him over to the fire pit. It’s sits right below the deck and has a built in bench that circles around half of the fire. The cushions are soft and brightly colored to match the rest of the house. You sit next to Steve and feel Peggy’s eyes on you. You glance her way and she avoids your gaze. Steve notices your face and gives you a nudge.

“Everything okay?” You meet his gaze and offer a small smile.

“Yeah, just I seem to have already made an enemy without even trying.” Nodding your head in Peggy’s direction as you whisper. Steve hums and takes your hand in his.

“I’m sorry, anything I can do?” He rubs the back of your hand with his thumb and you blush a little.

“Maybe get those sparks flying so we can stay together?” You give a flirty look and Steve bites his lip as he watches you.

“Oh I can definitely do that.” He smirks as he leans in closer, so close his lips graze your temple. “But maybe I should wait for the game to start.” He pulls back and winks and you just melt. You look across the fire pit and see Bucky, his eyes are soft as he watches you and your stomach does a flip. You give a small smile and Bucky has to bite his lip so he doesn’t break out the biggest smile. He clears his throat and looks at Natasha.

“So how do we play?” His phone dings, “Guess I could have waited 1 second and I would have gotten my answer.” He laughs and opens up the message.

*Islanders, each person will get a chance to pick a truth or dare card. Each card is a steamy dare or a sexy truth. Now let’s get the fire started because whoever you have the most chemistry with is who you will go on a date with tonight, and it might not be who you are partnered up with. #isithotinhere #letsgetstarted*

Bucky meets your gaze and you shift around a little. His eyes are so captivating but you can’t get caught gazing at him when Steve needs to be your focus. You turn your gaze to Steve and he smiles down at you. “Okay, who goes first?” Steve asks, his phone dings and he reads the message, “Looks like it’s me.” He smirks as he walks up to the deck of cards on the edge of the fire pit. Drawing the first card and a letting a big smile break across his face. “I got a dare card and it says ‘kiss the hottest girl for at least 15 seconds’. They don’t have to tell me twice.” Steve turns and looks at you, he walks over and pulls you up from your seat, your heartbeats faster and your gaze flicks to his lips as he leans in closer. Soft gentle lips graze yours and at first it’s sweet and tame. Then his arms wrap around your body and pulls you closer as his tongue gently pushes against your bottom lip, you hold back the moan that’s about to escape you when you hear the timer go off. Everyone cheers and claps. Sam whistles and Jake says some joke about it not counting if there wasn’t tongue. You blush as you pull back and open your eyes. Steve has the cutest blush breaking across his cheeks and nose, give him a ‘sun-kissed’ look and it’s so cute you could melt. You sit and pull Steve to sit down with you, holding his hand and trying to hide your blush from everyone else. Natasha meets your gaze and gives you a killer smirk.

“So Everly, sparks?” She asks and you blush even more. Steve lightly laughs and looks down at you.

“I’d say there were sparks flying, huh?” You nod and Steve pats your thigh as you two sit back.

“Okay, my turn!” Jake shoots up and grabs a card, “Truth! ‘Have you ever faked it to get out of a horrible lay?’ Well I feel this would have been a question for one of the ladies, but surprisingly I have.” Jake looks at Wanda and she just laughs.

“Wait, how?!” She asks, you’re genuinely curious too.

“Well, we weren’t naked yet and I felt horrible about doing it but I also didn’t want to sleep with her if I wasn’t into it. So I just kinda-“

“Oh my god,” Sam exclaims. “You faked getting off in your pants to get out of having sex?!” He looks at Jake and Jake hangs his head.

“Yeah, I did.” The boys laugh, Wanda speaks up.

“I mean it’s sweet you didn’t sleep with her when you knew you weren’t into it. But you could have told her the truth too.” Jake nods and agrees.

“I know that now! Then I was 17 and just wanted to get out of there and get home.” Jake explains. Wanda rubs his back and gently smiles at him.

“It’s okay, Jakey.” She assures him and Jake blushes and acts all shy. Bucky laughs and shakes his head. Natasha stands up and grabs a card. Her perfectly sculpted eyebrow cocks as she reads the card. “Huh, I got a dare and it’s says, ‘Sit in a boys lap who isn’t your partner for 2 rounds.’ Sorry Buck.” She smirks as she walks towards Steve. “I hope you don’t mind,” she sits on Steve’s laps and gets herself comfy. “Rules are rules.” She shrugs and you laugh and shrug. Steve looks anything but uncomfortable. You just roll your eyes and laugh. Nat continues to move around a little at a time, knowing exactly what she’s doing. Sam goes and his was a truth. He had to share what a perfect date would look like. “And then we’d end it back at my place,” he looks at Peggy. “What do you think of that?” She shrugs.

“Seems okay.” She focuses back on the others and Sam sighs and looks over at Bucky, who offers him a pat on the shoulder. It’s your turn and as you walk up everyone cheers you on, you do a little dance as you get closer and it has everyone in stitches and cheering even more.

“She’s got the moves!” Bucky yells as he smirks. You look back at him and wink.

“You ain’t seen nothing yet.” You flick your hair and seductively bend down to get a card. You know your ass looks good and you know Steve and Bucky are looking at it. Hell maybe even Sam. “It’s a dare-oh Lordy it’s a spicy one. ‘Make out with someone who isn’t your partner for at least 30 seconds.’ Hmmm decisions, decisions.” You look around at everyone and their hopeful faces. Steve pipes up.

“Come on Everly, take your pick. You should pick me no matter what the cards say.” He winks. You laugh and turn to face him.

“Just for that I should make out with Natasha while she’s still in your lap, just to tease you.”

“Please do that!” Sam almost yells.

“Oh god yes!” Jake exclaims.

“Don’t tease us!” Bucky warns

“I’m game if you are.” Natasha smirks. You giggle at all the reactions.

“I won’t do that, mainly because I am straight but also because I’m sure these boys would explode in their pants, and for real this time, right Jake?” You tease and he blushes while everyone else laughs. You throw him a wink and he smiles. “But I’ll give you this.” You walk over and gently peck Natasha’s lips. It’s over before it begins but it affects the boys all the same.

“Shit,” Steve mumbles and you hear the other boys curse beneath their breaths too.

“Now onto the actual dare.” You turn your attention to Bucky. You walk over and move right between is legs. He is laid back casually as he watches you lean closer and closer. As you start to climb in his lap and straddle him his ‘cool vibrato’ breaks and you see his pupils dilate. His eyes flick from your lips to your eyes and then back to your lips. He moves his hands from the back of the bench and slowly moves them up your back, watching your eyes to see if it’s okay. You gently smirk, “this okay, Buck?” Without answering he crashes his lips to yours as you wrap your arms around his neck. He moves his hands to your head, threading his fingers in your hair. You move your hands around his shoulders and feel his chest rise and fall beneath your fingers as he nudges your lips with his tongue. Without a second thought you let him and he licks into your mouth, both of you completely lost to the moment. When you break apart you are gasping for air and your lips are a little swollen. Bucky’s pupils are blown wide and you can feel his heart pounding beneath your hands. Everyone is cheering and whistling as you two come back to earth, under his breath so no one else can hear him, Bucky says.

“Fireworks, absolute fireworks. You just lit up my world, Everly.” You blush and give his chest the slightest squeeze wanting him to know you feel the same way. You quickly climb off and walk back to Steve. You meet Natasha’s gaze and she gives you a knowing look as she passes by and smiles to reassure you that she would have done the same thing. You find your seat next to Steve and shyly look up at him.

“Hi,” you say and he lightly laughs.

“Hey,” there is the slightest bit of worry in his eyes and you reach out and squeeze his knee. “Wish that had been me.” Steve admits and you smile before you let your gaze fall to the ground and then back at Bucky. You turn back to Steve and whisper.

“There still plenty of time left in the game, I’m sure we will get a chance.” You kiss his cheek and he blushes and nods.

The rest of the game isn’t as exciting. Wanda does a little dance for Jake who absolutely loves it. Natasha shares about her threesome experience. Sam has a dare that makes him get close and personal with Peggy who doesn’t hate it but definitely doesn’t love it. The whole time Peggy has her eyes on you. You Ignored her sighs as you settled next to Steve. Even when Bucky and Steve went again and chose you to carry out their dares with. One was to dance with you and the other was to make direct eye contact with you for a full minute. Bucky’s eyes are incredibly beautiful and you didn’t have any issues. Steve knows just how to move and he got your blood pumping towards the end. The whole time Peggy sat there, tight lipped and looking at you like you had killed her dog. When it’s her turn she stands up and grabs her card. “It’s a dare, ‘Kiss your partner until the other islands say stop.’ Well, I-”she looks at Sam and then back at everyone else. She doesn’t speak she just makes a b-line to Steve grabs his face and plants a big kiss on him. And Steve makes the mistakes of going along, his hands along her body and kissing her back.

“Whoa?!” Yells Sam.

“The card said your partner, Peggy! Steve?!” You exclaim, jumping up from where you are sitting. Natasha and Bucky walks towards the scene right as Peggy steps away. She gives a smug grin to you all.

“I know what my card said. I also know what I wanted. I’m fine with breaking the rules to get what I want.” She saunters back over to Sam who stands up and walks to the other side of the fire pit. Steve stands there shocked, with his hair messed up and red lipstick all over his lips. He looks down at you and sees the hurt in your eyes.

“Everly, I’m sorry. But it’s part of the game.” Before you could speak Natasha is standing up for you.

“No me sitting on your lap or Everly making out with Bucky was a part of the game. You helping Peggy break the rules and obviously enjoying it while doing it, that isn’t a part of the game.” You look at Peggy and her smug look, all you want to do is cry. You don’t know why, you just met Steve and it’s not that deep or special, but it’s something about the way Peggy looks at you and seemed to hate you from the moment you met. A text interrupts your thoughts. Sam speaks up.

“It’s mine.”

*Islanders, the game is over. The dates tonight are as follows.*

“Anyone have a text yet?” Jake asks. His phone dings, “oh I do!” He reads it out. “Jake and Wanda. We got a date!” Wanda smiles and kisses his cheek. Sam’s phone dings.

“Let’s get this over with,” he reads it and his eyebrows raise. “Sam and Natasha.” He looks at Natasha and she gives him a flirty wave and wink. “Well, alright.” Sam’s mood looks like it’s improved quite a bit. Steve’s phone dings.

“Steve and-“ he stops and looks up at you and gives you a sorrowful look. “And Peggy.” Your heart sinks and Peggy jumps up and comes to sit on the other side of Steve. You wait and wait and no text comes. Jake gets another one.

*Islanders, those are all the dates. Please head to the room to get ready. #Dates #loveisintheair

You try not to cry, it shouldn’t hurt but it does. In the shows eyes you didn’t have chemistry enough with anyone not Steve and not even Bucky. You feel sick to your stomach and can’t meet anyone’s gaze. Steve tries to talk to you but you just pull away because you can’t let him see you cry. Right before your voice breaks you croak out a, “go have fun, find me when you get back.” And with a kiss on the cheek you disappear to hide until they are gone. You sit up on the terrace and wait to hear their voices drift away as they all leave through the front door, the cars staring and driving away, leaving behind only the sounds of the ocean and your quiet sobs. Sitting there watching the sun set you remember that 1) you need to eat and 2) you aren’t here alone. So you make your way to the kitchen to whip up dinner and then you go to find Bucky. He’s sitting by the pool with his legs dangling in the water. He hears you walking up and he turns around to look at you before he waves you closer.

“Come join me, Evie.” You smile at the sweet nickname he just gave you.

“Thanks, Buck.” You offer back and he lightly laughs. Leaning back on his hands and watching as you sit next to him.

“Well, no matter what that dumbass game says, I think we had some pretty fire chemistry, don’t you?” He says, trying to lighten the mood. You give a sad smile and nod. Bucky sits up and nudges your shoulder. “Hey, talk to me. What’s going on?” You shake your head, “Look I know Steve can be a dreamy guy,” you laugh and wipe a tear away. “But even he isn’t good enough to have a beautiful girl like yourself crying over him.” You sigh and wipe away more tears.

“It’s not that, I umm-“ you take a deep breath and look at Bucky. You can tell he is trustworthy and kind, the way his eyes dance over you and not in a sexual way but in a protective and caring way. “I had a boyfriend, we broke up back in December because he was cheating on me. I found him with the women in our bed.” You can feel Bucky straighten up next to you, he puts his hands in his lap and you can tell he is squeezing his hands together. The thought of another man hurting you that way makes him angry, and that is incredibly comforting. “I thought I heard something so I stood by the door and waited. I heard a women say, ‘I know and I don’t care.’ Amongst other things. So, I walked in while they were in the throws, I wanted to make sure he saw me as I walked to the bedside table and grabbed my charger and bags before I glanced at her and then just stormed out.” Bucky puts an arm around you and rubs your shoulder before he leans in and kisses your head.

“I’m so sorry, Evie.” Bucky whispers against your skin.

“So Peggy swooping in and stealing Steve and Steve just going along with it,” you look up at Bucky, “well it opened up some old wounds.” You sigh again, “and I know that’s how this show goes and I know we’ve known each other for not even a day but it still hurt, you know?” Bucky nods.

“Yeah, I do.” Bucky looks at your lips and then back at your eyes. “I’m sorry he made you cry and I’m sorry Steve did too.” He leans in closer. “No man should ever make such a sweet, beautiful girl like you, cry.” And right when you think he’s gonna kiss you, he lifts up and kisses your forehead. A sweet and very kind gesture. “Well since we have this place to ourselves, let’s get to know one another, huh? No more tears unless they are from laughing too hard.” Bucky suggests and you agree.

“You’re right! Even if we apparently had the worst chemistry of the entire bunch, we can still have fun!” You laugh and so does Bucky. He shakes his head.

“Nah, we had chemistry, I think they did that for dramatic effect. And it worked. But now we are here, by ourselves for hours.” He smiles and raises his eyebrows and suggestively. “Whatever shall we do?!” You smirk and lean in really close, close enough to almost kiss him but you don’t.

“We should,” you say slowly. And Bucky nods.

“Yeah?” Bucky asks.

“Totally stake claim on the good beds and eat the best ice cream before those losers get a chance.” You giggle and Bucky nods.

“You read my mind!” He laughs and stands up, pulling you up with him. “Let’s go!” Dashing off to the kitchen you eat the dinner you made and talk about your jobs. “I love what I do and it pays well. But there’s just something about building something from scratch- something about creating that is its own kind of therapy, you know?” You agree and just smile and listen as Bucky goes on about the business he has. “So you work with Veterans?” You nod and sit back, pushing away your empty plate.

“Yeah, a lot of men and women who have lost limbs or have gone through some type of trauma that affects their mobility.” You look at Bucky as he nods and finishes his last bite. You bite your lip, trying to decide if you should ask about his injury or not. If working with Vets has taught you anything it’s that you don’t just casually bring up things that could trigger their PTSD. Bucky looks up at you and he can tell what you’re debating in your head. He smiles and sits back.

“You can ask, I can handle it.” You gently smile and sit forward.

“What happened? What was your official injury?” Bucky takes a drink of water and then sits forward to meet you halfway across the table.

“Roadside IED. Humvee hit it while we were making our rounds. It wasn’t there earlier that day but it was that afternoon. I’m a sniper, well was a sniper, so I was sitting in the nest on top on the car. We hit the bomb and I went flying, as did the car. I woke up and my left arm was hanging on by the bone and only the bone. There was also a large part of the Humvee keeping me pinned. I was in and out so I don’t know how long I was there but I know Steve was the one who saved me.”

“Really?” You ask, trying to control the emotion in your voice. Bucky nods.

“He was back at base and when we didn’t check in they sent out the search team. Knowing I was out there Steve demanded to be a part of it.” Bucky laughs. “He found me and damn near tore every muscle in his arms trying to lift that piece of Humvee off me. He saved me and got me back to base. From there we I was stabilized and sent home. It’s only a miracle that they saved my arm.”

“You have full range of motion and sensations?” Bucky smiles and looks down at his empty plate and then back up at you.

“If you’re asking as a professional? Yes, I can move and feel everything and I have my regular check ups to make sure there is no late onset nerve damage.” His tongue darts out quickly wetting his bottom lip, “if you asking as the woman I’m trying to win the heart of? Yes, I can pick you up carry you upstairs and feel every inch of your body if you’d let me.” Your heartbeat quickens and your eyes flicker to his lips and then meet his gaze again. He smirks and then sits back as you quickly regain your composure. You blush and get up to grab the ice cream.

🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩

“You like mint?!?” You exclaim as Bucky takes a bite. He laughs and defends his choice.

“Not exclusively but maybe I’m just wanting to freshen my breath in case you wanna repeat our dare from earlier. Or make me prove that my range of motion and sensations are fully intact!” You giggle and run away from him as he chases you, trying to kiss you. You run to the pool and one thing led to another as you both go crashing in. You emerge gasping for air and laughing so hard as Bucky pulls you closer. Your laughter dies down as you gaze into each others eyes, growing closer and closer as he backs you up against the pool wall, taking your face in his hands and leaning in. Right as your lips are about to meet, your phone dings. Coming back to your senses you climb out and grab your phone reading the text.

*Everly and Bucky, you guessed correctly. You two had the most chemistry out of all 4 couples and we thought you deserved some private time while the others enjoyed their group date. But the privacy is almost over as the other islanders are on their way back. #Sparkswereflying #recouplinganyone?*

You look back at Bucky and he walks closer to you. Taking your face in his hands. “Well now I won’t feel bad about doing this,” he kisses you as his hands dance across your skin and your arms wrap around his neck. He moans into the kiss as your bodies move closer and you gasp as he bites your bottom lip before soothing it with another kiss. When you pull apart you stare into each other’s eyes and know that this summer is only about to get more interesting. Bucky moves back in but you stop him.

“I can’t- I know Steve and I aren’t exclusive but- I chose him, Bucky. I have to try, please understand.” Bucky sighs as he takes your hand.

“He’s on another date as we speak.” Bucky says.

“And technically so am I. How do you think he will feel when he finds out we got a private date, away from prying eyes.” Bucky sighs again and shakes his head.

“Okay, fine but you can’t deny what we have, Everly.” He pulls you closer and brushes your wet hair away from your face. “And I’m not giving up, I’ll be here. Natasha is great and I’d probably fall for her if you weren’t here but I meant what I said after that dare.” Your breath catches, it’s the first day, could you really have found it all on day one? “You lit up my world, Evie. And I’ll go about this however you need it. But I’m not giving up.” You let out a shakey breath and pull him into one last kiss before pulling apart and putting some space between you two just as the front door opens and the three couples come walking inside, loud as ever.

“Hey! What did you two get up to?!” Natasha yells as she motions to your soaking wet clothes. Steve walks closer and eyes you two intensely. You both laugh and play it off pretty well.

“Oh, well we were having a debate over which ice cream was better and it got heated and Bucky chased me and made me fall in the pool. I made him jump in too as pay back for ruining this perfect outfit.” You give Bucky a playful shove and he picks you up and hauls you over his shoulder, ready to throw you in again.

“You wanna go in again?!” He teases and you yell and try to wiggle free. He tickles your sides. “I don’t know, what do you think Steve?!” Steve laughs.

“Okay Buck, put her down. I think you’ve tortured her enough tonight.” Steve walks closer and pulls you into his arms and kisses your forehead. You feel Peggy’s glare bore into your back as Steve ushers you away. You look back and see Bucky watch you walk away with Steve. Nat and Wanda come up to comfort him and usher him towards the kitchen. “So how was your time here?” Steve asks once you get settled on the day beds.

“Good, got to know Bucky a little bit. Can see why you two have been friends for so long.” Steve nods. “He also told me the story about his arm.” Steve sighs and squeezes your hand.

“Yeah that was a scary time. But thanks to people like you,” he kisses your hand. “He is back to his old self.” Steve looks down at you and his eyes flick to your lips. “Man I really want to kiss you right now.” Your heartbeat quickens.

“You do?” You ask, a little unsure. Steve nods and closes the distance between both of you. Your lips crash to his and he slips his hand behind your head. He pulls you closer and you feel your cheeks starting to heat up. He pulls away too soon and rubs his thumb across your cheek.

“Wow, now that was worth the wait.” You blush and curl up next to him as you gaze at the stars.

“So how was your date?” You feel Steve shift and tense up. He clears his throat and you sit up to look at him.

“Well I want to be honest with you,” he hesitates, “Peggy kissed me and I didn’t exactly stop her.” That angers you more than it should and you don’t know why. Especially considering what you and Bucky got up to.

“I really like and care about you but I’d be lying if I said Peggy didn’t turn my head a little.” You sit back and create some distance. “I’m sorry, Everly. I just want to be honest.” You nod and sigh.

“No I appreciate that. And I guess I should be too.” You take a breath. “Bucky and I kissed while everyone was gone. We got to talking and flirting, we had a heart to heart because I was sad after yall left and well we kissed.” You meet Steve’s gaze and he seems a little upset but about as much as you were at his news about Peggy. He then sighs and leans his head back.

“Was your head turned?” Steve asks and musters up the courage to look at you.

“A little, yeah. But I told him that I chose you and I wanted to see where things go- if there is anything here, you know?” You explain and Steve nods.

“Yeah I get that.” He takes your hand. “Thank you for being honest.” You gently smile and kiss his cheek.

“Always,”

“Good to know. So are you gonna tell me why you were upset?” Steve asks as You lean back and stare at the stars.

“Just something earlier today reminded me of my ex who cheated on me. It made me more emotional than it should have. Not sure why though,” you shrug it off. “Anyway, Bucky helped and talked me through it.” You smile at the sky and Steve catches the fondness that washes over your face as you think of Bucky. He wished it didn’t hurt.

“Well I’m glad, Bucky is a great man.” Steve says as he pulls your attention back to him. “So are we all in until a recoupling potentially pulls us apart?” You smile and look at Steve, you see Bucky over his shoulder and he seems to walking your way. He gets there before you could answer Steve.

“Hey! A couple of us are gonna have a late night swim.” His gaze dances over you. “You two wanna join?” You look at Steve and you can tell he’d much rather talk but something in your eyes must have told him differently because he looks a little sad and then answers for the both of you.

“Sure!”

You are getting changed into a bathing suit as you hear two people in the bedroom.

“Did you tell her?!”

“No! Why would I?!”

“Because-“ you accidentally knock over a can of hairspray and it clangs loudly. The people who were talking quickly rush out of the room before you can see who they were. Thinking nothing of it you head down to the pool where the party seems to be in full swing.

“Oh there she is!!” Bucky cheers and whistles.“The party has arrived! Everyone Evie can do an excellent cannonball, saw it myself.” Bucky teases about earlier. You walk over and he knows what’s about to happen and he accepts his fate as you push on his chest and he backflops into the pool. You laugh and jump in after him. Natasha swims over and gives you a look that tells you, she knows everything.

“So a little birdy told me that had we been gone longer then we might have needed to treat this pool.” You blush and shake your head.

“No, nothing like that was gonna happen.”

“But something did.” She smirks. She sees your guilty face. “Oh that face better not be for me, because Bucky is hot, I’ll give you that but I’m not feeling it. So you are not stepping on my toes.” You sigh out of relief.

“I told Steve that my head may have turned.” You admit. Natasha hums.

“And how did he take it?” She asks.

“Pretty well. Said his might have too. But we still wanted to try while we are together.” You say and Natasha nods.

“So where is he?” You look around realizing he isn’t there. “He should be here with you, in the pool, grinding all over each other in the water.” You laugh and look around again.

“I actually don’t know where he is.” You go to climb out. “I’m gonna go see if I can find him.”

You grab a towel and head to the day beds and what you find as you get closer makes your blood boil and your heart breaks. Peggy is straddling Steve and making out with him while she moves his hands over her body. You hear Steve trying to get her to stop, to slow down, telling her that he is with you and that he likes you. “I’m with Everly, I like her-“ but she’s not listening, not respecting his wishes. You are speechless and then you hear her say it, “I know, and I don’t care. Touch me.”

It all comes back to you, standing in the hallway of your own apartment as Colin fucks some girl in the bed you share. “You know this will never go anywhere. I love Everly.” Her laugh and response, “I know, and I don’t care. Touch me.” You storm in to grab your stuff and you see her brown curls draped over your pillow and her legs around your boyfriend. Peggy was the women who fucked your boyfriend.

“YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!”

Next

A/N: So I don’t like Peggy is you couldn’t tell 🤭. Also I know Colin is actually a sweetheart but let’s just say this was during his fuck boy phase. 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Taglist: @hisredheadedgoddess28 @cadencejames87 @jessieasher1616 @janineb86 @cjand10 @slytherinqueen4life @theinheriteddutchess @rainydayandmondays @georgiapeach30513 anyone else who wants to be tagged to contact me! 🥰

[etoileee]

Hello! I hope you're having a good morning/night! (It's morning where I am) I saw your request for questions and thankfully I'm full of them. Question 1. How's the food at the cafeteria? I've always wondered if it's quality or just regular summer camp food status.

2. Is it strange to see nymphs, and other 'fantasy' beings in your DR? Does it give an uncanny valley effect or does it give off movie CGI but in real-time? Or even cost player terms in looks? Because I would feel like I was in Narnia lol.

3. how are the other campers? Besides the main 6 and Nico, I would imagine them being friendly enough.

4. And finally last question, could you tell who's in who's cabin? I also imagine some gods 'genetics' stick more commonly than not (like Athena kids with gray eyes) but! That's all my questions! Hope I didn't blab your ear off! This is my first time able to ask the little nitty gritty questions of a POJ Dr (all the tic-tok videos I see are either from 2022 or disappeared ;-;) but I'm excited! Thank you and have a good week!

HELLOOOO it is in fact 10pm for me right now so yes I am having a good night! :D glad to hear you are full of questions because I love answering them!

1. I can’t say anything about food yet since I’ve only shifted to my pjo dr once and I was only there for one day, I had woken up there right around 9 pm and that’s dinner is, they did offer me food but I declined because I was too in shock to eat 😭 I do remember percy liking the food in lightning thief though so I’m expecting it to not be too bad

2. YES OMG i’VE ALREADY MENTIONED THAT I PASSED OUT WHEN I FIRST GOT TO CAMP AND SAW CHIRON HAAA

its not necessarily uncanny valley, its more like movie cgi in real time, after my talk with nico on the first night when we were walking back to the campfire to meet with the others again one of em emerged from a tree and I screamed because HELL I WAS SURPRISED OKAY and she kinda just looked and me mischievously and ran off, like she liked the reaction she got out of me lol.

3. I didn’t really interact with any other campers the first night other than the hermes kids and a little bit of interaction with a few apollo kids, after the campfire with the prophecy members I went into the hermes cabin to sleep since I haven’t been claimed yet and even if I was there isn’t a NYX cabin for me to be in. the hermes kids were a mix of like.. stand offish and unserious, they were curious about me and they weren’t shy about it. there was an empty bunk in the cabin and it still had someone’s belongings on it, and I can’t help bit think that stuff is luke’s.

4. with some cabins you can definitely notice similarities! and if they don’t look similar physically its their aura, for I saw some apollo kids walking to the hermes cabin, they were sitting outside smoking weed 💀 there was about six of them and they all had blonde hair and tan skin. as I walked they saw me, the new nyx kid with white eyes and they were definitely surprised and confused but most of them smiled at me to gave me a nod as I walked and I appreciated that :P

im so sorry I fell like I couldn’t give you good answers to your questions 😭 but I hope this satisfies you a little bit! I plan on shifting tonight and I plan on staying for more than one day this time so we’ll see how that goes! and I’ll make sure to come back and tell you all about it! :D

[thyme-in-a-bubble]

I know you’re not fine

a/n: totally forgot this existed. I wrote it in the middle of the night after a really bad day a few months ago, so if it's not on par with the rest of my stuff, that's why...

warnings: peter parker x reader, angst, hurt/comfort, tw ed, crying, hint at earlier meltdown

∼ gentle reminder that feedback, but especially reblogs are the way you support writers on here ∽

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Your eyes slowly fluttered open to unveil the surprising visage of your boyfriend sitting at the other end of your couch. His knees were up to his chest, and he was simply staring out into the quiet apartment. 

“Peter?” you asked, gently making your way up to a sitting position.

His head turned as soon as your voice caught his sharp ears, “hey.”

“What-, how did you get in here?” he might have been your boyfriend and all, but he didn’t have a key, not yet…

“The window,” he gestured to the one behind you that let out onto the fire escape, the exact one that you had purposely kept open the entire day because without the freezing fresh air tickling your cheeks, you felt like you might suffocate. 

“What are you doing here?”

“You didn’t answer your phone… radio silence for one day, sure, maybe you’re just busy, but two? Baby, I know you,” you squeezed your eyes shut at his accuracy, “and please don’t try and tell me that you’re okay, that you’re fine because I know you’re not fine. I know,” forcefully blinking your eyes open again, you watched as he gently tilted his head to the side and asked, “so, what can I do to help? Do you wanna talk about it?”

“No, I, um,” you stared down the woollen blanket covering your lower body, “I emailed my therapist, she has time tomorrow…”

“Okay, that’s good… You don’t have to tell me what’s going on, if you don’t want to, you can, but you don’t have to, it’s okay,” he offered, then asked, “are you hungry?”

“No…” you admitted, still feeling completely numb, “it’s a bit, um…”

“Y/n,” his voice was overflowing with concern, though in no way harsh, “when was the last time you ate?”

Still not meeting his gaze, you thought back, “…I had a biscuit this morning…”

“Okay… okay…” he hadn’t been at your side on a day as bad as this one before, so the slight helplessness finally shining through in his voice broke your heart in two, “do you-… what do you need me to do? Is there something you want me to get you? Something that could be easy?”

Finally meeting his gaze, you spoke, “you know that list on my fridge? The one that you thought was a grocery list and I didn’t correct you?” he nodded, nearly running off to find it, “that’s a list of things that are easy, for times like this.”

“Okay,” finally with the answers in hand, he sounded like a whole new person, “so, is there anything on that list that you’re out of?”

“Pretty much everything except for half a packet of biscuits… I wanted to go down to the store this morning, that was the plan anyways, but I didn’t, it was just a bit too-…” you trailed off, too exhausted to go into the nitty gritty. 

“Well, then I’ll go right now,” he rose up to his feet, a gentle bounce in his step, “will you be okay here? I’ll be quick, I promise.”

“Yeah,” you felt everything begin to melt as you finally let him in, let him help. 

“Hey,” he kneeled down before you, taking your shaky hands in his, “I love you.”

“I love you too, Peter,” you sniffled, raising one of your interlocked hands up, you swiped the back of your own over your cheek, catching the fresh tear that was already trickling down, “thank you.”

© 2022 thyme-in-a-bubble 

[tabithatwo]

Can I ask why you don’t like this new season of yj? No hate or anything, I’m just genuinely curious

I’m so tired and probably won’t be very coherent but that’s okay there’s like six more of these in my asks if I want a second more thorough answer tomorrow lol but a lot of how I feel is in posts on my blog and I’ll just talk mostly 2x08 here. I’ve been hanging on tight until this episode but it has BROKEN me. Like I’m in mourning lol. To anyone who likes it I’m so happy for you I’m not coming for you at all.

But to me the main issue I’ve had is how they have constantly had opportunities to go DARK and SHOW the devolution but they played it very fucking safe (the makeup being the catalyst, Shauna’s birth being truly the safest option possible, like an episode of call the midwife except a fucked up dream happens, etc) and there was no actual build to the level of violence and depravity (or even RELIGION BUILDING) that the card draw sacrifice calls for. The ate Jackie because she was already dead and the wilderness slow cooked her, they were all mourning the baby last episode, they showed us Misty feeling potentially genuine remorse and guilt for Crystal? The “cult stuff” up until now has been mostly fucking dbt techniques and self harm. Yes the shauna lottie last episode was intense but we got absolutely zero follow up on it in any real characterization way for shauna this episode.

Then they kicked us out of the room when the decision was being made and I PROMISE people who think that was a shit move are largely not thinking they needed to explain the card game. It’s about showing your characters in pivotal huge moments. Yellowjackets is advertised and set up in s1 as a psychological horror. I want to see the characters GRAPPLE with things in a psychological horror. Seeing how they got from point a to point b isn’t about understanding the rules of their game, it’s about seeing developed characters reactions to crazy fucking shit.

Instead we get a jump straight into everyone drawing a card and the group deciding to kill one of their two hunters. Would some be on board with no questions asked? sure, but to ask the audience to believe that it just Makes Sense that they landed here after being very fucking relatively TAME all season until that one fight (I was so scared after that scene and no one reacting that this is the jump they were making, based on one moment alone and I was so sad to see it happen lol) is a big ask.

Now add on top of that the way they’re cutting us out of the actual character driven moments. That wasn’t psychological horror, that wasn’t delving into characters psyches like we’ve been promised. It was a thriller moment, change on a dime, maybe for shock value I guess. To me that interim would’ve been a very hard scene to write, a glimpse even of them deciding and reckoning with this belief and darkness in themselves. It’s a large group with a lot to juggle and big messy dynamics. And the easy way out of that is to just not show it at all.

People keep saying “they don’t have time to develop things this season because of side plots.” But they CHOSE to have those side plots in the first place. They’re filling shit in because they don’t WANT to get into the nitty gritty. We watched musical theater and cops and whatever the hell else and whatever. Fine. Sure. But it isn’t that those plots magically overtook some extra brilliant deep moments that they planned on showing with these characters to actually WITNESS their devolution, like s1 set us up to expect. They added them to fill empty space.

I GET that they become brutal. I GET that they devolve. I UNDERSTAND that from moment fucking one. The draw of the show to me is not watching them chase someone. We got that in the first scene. It’s seeing HOW they get there. What has to happen to get them to that place AND how does it impact each main character. Don’t just list the bad things for me. Show me their reasoning and their religion building and their arguing and their giving in. That’s what the real story is to me. Because we just saw them do their first ritual kill, but we didn’t see much more DEPTH to it, with these characters that we’ve now spent 18 episode getting to know, than the pilot already showed us.

1 am ramblings please forgive confusing turns of phrase or typos lol

[shefaniquotes]

SHEFANI PLAYLIST (Spotify 🎧)

Songs that have been referenced by Blake or Gwen in connection to their relationship or are otherwise associated with them

1. Hotline Bling – Drake

💬 Blake: "Gwen sang it to me on 'The Tonight Show' one night, so ..."

🎼Call me on my cell phone Late night when you need my love I know when that hotline bling That can only mean one thing

2. Step By Step – Eddie Rabbitt

💭 Blake often sang this song in BSers Lounge – fans associated it with Shefani

🎼First step, ask her out and treat her like a lady Second step, tell her she's the one you're dreaming of Third step, take her in your arms and never let her go Don't you know that step by step, step by step, you'll win her love?

3. Leather and Lace – Stevie Nicks

💬 Blake: "We should [cover that song]." Shefani fans favorite since Gwen performed the song in December 2015

🎼But I carry this feeling When you walked into my house That you won't be walking out the door Still, I carry this feeling When you walked into my house That you won't be walking out the door

4. I've Been Lookin' – Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

💭 Back in summer 2018, Blake’s mom posted a video of them singing this song while driving in OK

🎼I've been looking for a love Someone to hold as I lay sleepin' I'm not talking 'bout someone Who's scared of promises Or keepin' 'em I'm just looking for a love To stand the test of time I've been lookin' for someone To be all mine

5. Baby I'm-a Want You – Bread

💬 Gwen: "What’s that song that I love…?" - Blake: "Baby I'm-a Want You by Bread?"

Blake on The Voice: "Gwen's not kidding. We listen to Bread all the time."

🎼Used to be my life was just emotions passing by Then you came along and made me laugh and made me cry You taught me why Baby, I'm-a want you Baby, I'm-a need you

6. There’s No Stoppin’ Your Heart – Marie Osmond

💬 Blake: "I love that song ‘There’s No Stopping Your Heart."

🎼I plan to be the one who sticks around Ooh your love could lift me up above the clouds I get so high when I'm with you, I may never come down When forever starts, There's no stopping, no stopping, no stopping your heart

7. I Want To Know What Love Is – Foreigner

💬Gwen: "You took a song that’s actually on my makeout playlist"

🎼I wanna know what love is I want you to show me I wanna feel what love is I know you can show me

8. So Small – Carrie Underwood

💬 Blake on The Voice back in 2016: "I completely got wrapped up in the lyrics of that song. You delivered the message to me tonight, and I totally related to the lyrics of that song."

🎼And what you've been out there searching for forever Is in your hands Oh, and when you figure out love is all that matters after all It sure makes everything else Seem so small

9. Haven’t Got Time for the Pain – Carly Simon

💬 Gwen: "I would dedicate this song to @Blakeshelton gx."

🎼All those crazy nights when I cried myself to sleep Now melodrama never makes me weep anymore 'Cause I haven't got time for the pain I haven't got room for the pain I haven't the need for the pain Not since I've known you

10. Stricken – No Doubt

💬 "She asked me if I knew the song Stricken and told me she recently sent it to Blake."

🎼I love you completely I guess I'm kinda mad about you I love you, I love you I do Love overcomes all of my senses Lowers all of my defenses, yeah

11. Defenseless – Kirk Jay

💬 Blake: “This is my life right now.”

🎼Oh, I'm defenseless Like a drought to a flame I’m defenseless Girl, when you say my name But the thing is I have never felt safer than this

12. Lookin' For Love – Johnny Lee

💬 Blake before playing the song: "I’ll try. I gotta do it for Gwen."

🎼Well, I spent a lifetime lookin' for you Single bars and good time lovers were never true Playing a fools game, hopin' to win And tellin' those sweet lies and losin' again You came knockin' on my heart's door You're everything I've been looking for

13. Turn Your Lights Down – Bob Marley and the Wailers

💬 Blake: "Gwen and I have a playlist. I want their version." - John: "It's a good love song for when you guys..." - Blake: "You're talking about loove."

🎼This potion might, this ocean might, carry me In a wave of emotion to ask you to marry me And every word, every second, and every third Expresses the happiness more clearly than ever heard (uh) And when I play 'em, every chord is a poem Tellin' the Lord how grateful I am because I know him (what? word) The harmonies possess a sensation similar to your caress (uh)

14. In Your eyes – Peter Gabriel

💭 The first dance song

🎼In your eyes The light, the heat (Your eyes) I am complete (Your eyes) I see the doorway to a thousand churches (Your eyes)

15. Islands in the Stream – Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton

💬 Gwen: "That song would be my dream if me and Blake could do that song together one day."

🎼I can't live without you if the love was gone Everything is nothing if you got no one And you did walk in the night Slowly losing sight of the real thing But that won't happen to us and we got no doubt Too deep in love and we got no way out

[rodolfoparras]

Hello friends!

Since a lot of you seem to like my and my anonie’s spitballs and have even requested for me to continue on some of them, I thought I should explain how it works so we’re all on the same page

First of all what exactly are spitballs? It’s where you suggest ideas to be discussed without thinking about them carefully.

In this case that would mean that I discuss different type of tropes and aus with my anonies without thinking much about them in terms of plot holes, ooc moments, grammar, length etc

It all started because I had many different ideas for fics but then things, like those mentioned above would hold me back from writing them, thus I’d write them out in alternative ways such as in the tag section instead, sometimes I’d discuss an idea with my mutuals and sometimes I’d post it on my blog and get a reply from an anon and we’d spitball it from there

It has unintentionally become a very interactive part of my blog and my writing process and I love it very much.

However I think it’s important I make it clear that not every ask will result in a fic snippet such as this, sometimes a response can very much look like this, or even like this

As mentioned earlier they’re very much ideas that are discussed therefor the responses may vary.

For me it’s important to feel that I can reply with a fic snippet or with a silly pic or whatever it may be because if I can’t, then it’s just another variation of fic requests.

Now to the nitty gritty part; how does this work?

It’s very simple. If you see me on the dash talking about my latest brainrot and want to discuss it with me, you’re more than welcome to slide into my inbox!

Now you may be wondering: If a spitball has turned into a mini fic how do I know when it has run its course?

Good question! First of all you’re always welcome to slide into my inbox to talk with me about them but at some point I’ll stop being in the writing zone and cannot for the life of me get down a word on paper despite your lovely ideas and suggestions. I’ll usually tell you when it’s finished either in the tag section or in the a/n section!

With that being said I want to thank you for taking the time to read this, for showing sm appreciation for my fics and you’re always welcome to message me!

[love-kurdt]

Now That We Don't Talk (byler): 1

word count: 13,034

warnings for this chapter: mild sexual content, a few homophobic slurs. this is semi-autobiographical so pls be kind <3

in short, if you are emotionally or mentally vulnerable, pls dni.

When I first moved to California, it had taken me two whole months to fully unpack my boxes. And it wasn’t really a mystery as to why; I had no desire to be there. Yes, I’ll admit that I wasn’t exactly the biggest fan of Hawkins, either, considering the events of the past few years, but when it all came down to the nitty-gritty, Hawkins was the lesser of two evils. Because Hawkins had Mike, and Lenora was… well, Mike-less. I’d never really thought about my life without Mike in it up until then, because I didn’t think I’d ever have to. But then I did have to. And it was an awful feeling.

We’d driven away from the old house, and I watched as Mike became smaller and smaller, until he was merely a stick figure in the passenger side mirror. I’d blinked my tears away and turned my gaze to the road ahead, trying to focus on the lyrics of whatever song by the Smiths that Jon was playing, but it was impossible to take my mind off of my new reality. As cliché as this sounds, I felt a piece of my heart break that day. And from the look on Mike’s face as he stood idly by, bike leaning against his hip, he was hurting just as much as I was. He’d looked lost, confused, and hurt. I could totally relate.

When we’d arrived in our new house, I’d had mixed feelings about it at first, because that’s what usually happens when you arrive in an unfamiliar environment, but then those feelings pretty much dissipated within a day. The house was bigger, for one, which was nice in a way. It had two floors, and had enough rooms in it so that El, Jon, and I didn’t have to bunk up like we’d been doing up until the move. It was in a bigger town than Hawkins was, so not everybody knew each other’s business. Which was great, considering that the Zombie Boy name hadn’t been able to tag along for the ride.

It was a lot warmer than it had been in Hawkins, and I’d grown to hate the cold over the past few years, so that was a welcome change. It was a welcome change for everyone, I think. We’d taken time during our first week in our new home to just sit together on the deck, basking in the sunshine. We learned quickly that sunscreen was a must in California, even when it wasn’t scorching hot. I’d burnt my nose on more than one occasion, and El proceeded to call me Rudolph at every possible opportunity.

El’s addition to the family was another perk of moving. El and Mom had been able to bond really well, albeit over the loss of Hopper, but also because Mom finally had a daughter. El and Jon got along well, too, which was nice. And I was cool with her. She never did anything wrong to me… besides dating Mike, of course, but that was completely out of my control. Plus, it wasn’t like he’d ever want to be with me in that way. He’d set that in stone over that one summer when he told me, “It’s not my fault you don’t like girls!”

Not even half an hour after our fight in the rain, Mike and Lucas had biked over to my house to apologize. Of course, my demolition of Castle Byers and the return of the Mind Flayer had me kind of preoccupied at that point, so nothing officially happened to resolve that situation. It was the Subject Change of the Century; we got so wrapped up in the Upside Down stuff that Mike and I put it off, then put it off some more, and then swept it under the rug altogether.

Nothing was the same after that night… at least, not on my end. What Mike said to me kind of changed my life. I’d become so dependent upon his overwhelming presence near me all the time that I kind of lost sight of myself and my own identity. In my mind, I wasn’t Will; I was Mike’s-Friend-Will. I felt worthless without him, and was always so quick to forgive him out of fear of losing him that I’d inadvertently become Passive with a capital P. And I didn’t want to be that way anymore. So I created a strictly platonic boundary between us, one that allowed the tension to dissolve, and to give myself space to grieve the idea of Mike I’d created; the one who loved me back. And then… we were back to best friends again. Just in time for me to move. At least Mike and I would still be able to talk over the phone.

I could not have been more wrong. Mike did not make a single call for the entire seven months that we were in Lenora. He didn’t send a single letter, either. Well, at least not to me. El was in correspondence with him literally every week, practically skipping into the house after trips to the mailbox with letters upon letters in her hands, beaming with excitement. I hate to admit it, but it got really annoying after a while. Then, she’d started building a shoebox shrine to him, and I was just like, what’s so special about him? He’s just Mike. But then I realized that if I were in her shoes, I’d be doing the exact same thing. Because he was Just Mike, and that was why I loved him.

After watching this go on for a few months, I kind of fell into a depression, and El was too busy swooning over all the “From, Mike”s to notice that I was falling apart. I had resigned from the idea of reaching out to Mike, because he hadn’t made any kind of effort to reach out to me. That was when I decided to finally start unpacking my boxes. Unpacking meant that the move became real. Unpacking meant that it was permanent. Unpacking meant that I’d have to officially start my new life, at a new school— high school— without Mike in it.

Each box represented a call and letter El received. My clothes were put on hangers in the closet, and my art supplies finally found a place next to my bedroom window. And all of Mike’s writing was shoved away into the darkest depths of my lowest desk drawer, never to see the light of day again. Yeah, I was being petty, but I was angry. I deserved to be angry, damnit. I was angry at Mike for abandoning me, and I was angry at myself for being delusional enough to believe Mike cared that much about our friendship.

But then, I started the painting. The Painting. I’d sworn to myself that I would stop making art that revolved around Mike. He would no longer be my muse. I’d started off the piece as a typical landscape, but I added the Thessalhydra, and then I added myself, Lucas, Dustin, and… Mike, at the front, leading the Party to victory. Screw it, I had thought to myself, everyone else is in the painting, it’d be weird not to include Mike. When I painted the red heart on his shield as a finishing touch, it hit me like a truck that I’d created one of my best paintings to date with Mike in my subconscious thoughts the whole time. He was inescapable. There was no use in ripping myself up over what I couldn’t control, so I figured I’d just give him the painting during Spring Break.

Spring Break happened, and boy (man, really; the boyish look had almost completely faded away), Mike had changed, in more ways than one. He’d shown up the airport gate nearly half a foot taller, with sharper cheekbones, longer hair, and a deeper voice, wearing the dumbest looking outfit I’d ever seen. I was so happy to see him. He hadn’t been as excited as I was, considering the timid clap on the shoulder I’d been given while I’d gone in expecting one of his amazing, tight hugs. He’d always given the best hugs. Not anymore, I’d supposed. So I tucked my rolled up painting back under my arm and took a step back, letting El and Mike have their time together as a couple. I admired him from afar, but that was all I ever did.

Mike had changed, in more ways than one; he’d gotten so much more attractive… but he’d also turned into a total asshole. I finally confronted him about his standoffish behavior at Rink-o-Mania, and he’d placed all the blame on me, not once taking responsibility for essentially forgetting that I existed, and on my birthday, no less. When I asked why El got so many letters while I got absolutely nothing, he replied that it was because she was his girlfriend. Which, yeah, obviously. But when I followed up with, “...And us?” Mike had snapped, “We’re friends. We’re. Friends.” As the two of us laid in my bed that night, it set in that Mike had taken my question in a romantic context. That made my heart flutter a little bit, but I shut myself down immediately, because I was not going down that road again.

My mood hadn’t shifted much when we’d initially arrived back in Hawkins, following the worst road trip I had ever had the displeasure of going on. I’d been trapped in a weed-infused van, sitting inches away from a wordless Mike. I’d given the painting to Mike and lied about its origins just to boost his ego. And worst of all, I endured an Emotional Michael Monologue in which he told El that he loved her multiple times. When we got out of the van, I had taken the biggest sigh of relief, because thank God the suffering was over. Oh wait, no, scratch that, because the suffering had only just begun; Vecna was the “Him,” I’d been feeling all those years, and “He,” was destroying Hawkins as we spoke.

About a month into the Vecnapocalypse (Dustin had been the one to coin that term, and I’d doubled over laughing during a very important group meeting when he’d first used it), Mike had told me that he’d finally broken up with El. I was secretly elated; the mope-fest was finally over. But when Mike revealed the reason why they’d broken up, which was the very painting that I had used as a device to try and clear the air between Mike and my sister, my back-breaking efforts seemed to be all for nothing. We had a little argument-turned-heart-to-heart about it, but we hugged it out in the end like best friends do. And things were fine. We were a team again, and that’s what mattered most.

The dynamic between Mike and I changed, though, throughout the course of the Vecnapocalypse. And I wasn’t complaining. We’d gone from being virtually radio silent to… whatever the situation was. We’d flirt, hold hands, listen to each other’s mixtapes, and partnered up together during missions. This continued on for a while until one particular moment in the Upside Down, when Mike had leaned in a bit too close, almost as if we were about to… no way. I was beyond tempted to lean in as well, caving into the deepest desire I’d ever had in my life: kissing Michael James Wheeler square on the mouth. And I almost did. However, in typical Mike fashion, ever the dramatic, he’d jumped backwards, stumbled outside, tripped over a gigantic vine, and triggered a bunch of Demobats to swarm the Upside Down version of the Wheeler house. After that shit show, I couldn’t help but be a little bit bitter towards Mike. That side-battle could have cost us everything. Vecna could have won. And on top of all that, I was tired of being led on by Mike and all of his contradictions, so I kept Mike at a physical distance from there on out. We never brought up the Almost-Kiss ever again.

Things got even stranger a few years later. On one particularly gross day in August of 1989, I’d dropped by the Wheelers’ to ask Mike if he wanted to watch a movie later that night. I headed up to his room, and the door was slightly ajar, so I lightly knocked. No response. He probably had his headphones on or something. I walked in, but he was nowhere to be seen. His notebook was lying open on his desk beside a pile of multiple ripped-out pages, with one of his signature blue LePens sitting on top of the page, the cap cast to the side. Mike had a bad habit of accidentally letting his overly-expensive pens dry out, so I figured I’d do him a favor and put it back on and save him the trouble. I took a few steps over to his desk and reached for the pen, but immediately paused in my tracks when I noticed the first two words he’d written on top of the page.

Dear Will,

I shouldn’t have read any further, because I wasn’t sure if it was Mike’s intention for me to even see it, but it was too late to go back. My eyes involuntarily scanned the page, widening more and more with every sentence.

Dear Will, When I look into your eyes, I see the rest of my life. Poetic, I know. It kind of came out of nowhere. You know I’m not much of a poetry kind of guy, I’m more of a storyteller, but the thought came to me in a dream I had about you, and I just had to write it down in one of these letters.

Hold up, I thought. What the hell? He… had a dream about me? Why would he have a dream about… Why me? What letters? What was he talking ab— My eyes hesitantly drifted to the pile of papers beside the notebook. I gulped, my suspicions confirmed.

You’re asleep in my bed, and I’m hunched over my desk, writing this letter because I am freaking the fuck out. And not because I almost ruined our chance to defeat Vecna. Well, that too, sorry about that. But the primary reason for my current freak out session is because we almost kissed. And that’s weird.

I flipped to the next one.

Something is wrong with me. I swear to God, I didn’t mean for this to happen. But I keep staring at you for longer than I should. And I can’t look away. I haven’t been able to since the Almost Kiss™. You’ve caught me looking these past few times and I feel myself burning up like a match every time. And I’ve come to the conclusion that you, Will Byers, are my flame.

And the next one.

I’ve kind of gotten used to sleeping in the same bed as you, subconsciously cuddling through the night, and waking up tangled together. Your face is so relaxed right now, and you hum contentedly to yourself every few minutes. It’s so fucking cute. I’m glad you’re not having as many nightmares anymore. Or, at least you’re having slightly better dreams. I should go to bed soon. I don’t want you to catch me writing. But yeah. You’re adorable. And I really like you.

And the next one.

I was so caught off guard by the fact that you called me cute that I couldn’t get any words out. You turned around quickly to get your bike and hopped on, giving me a small wave as you left my driveway. And it hit me then: I love you. I am in love with you. Unabashedly, wholeheartedly, head over my fucking heels in love with you. And believe me, this has been a long time coming, and not just because you complimented me. I think I’ve loved you for a long time. I just didn’t know what it was.

And the next one.

Why does loving you feel so wrong, yet so right? It seems like for every thought I have about you, another comes to bite me in the ass. I wish I could just think about you in peace without all of the shame. But at the same time, I know it isn’t normal for me to like you, to love you, to want you. I’m usually able to stop my mind from wandering into that territory, but there’s something about you that is making it more and more difficult for me to resist those thoughts from entering my head. I think the main culprit is your shoulders. Yes, I said it. I am attracted to your shoulders. Specifically when you wear your polo shirts that are a size or two too small and hug your upper body a little too tightly. Or when you steal my leather jacket and shove it on, and it accentuates your arms, rather than making them disappear like it does to mine. You’re so attractive, it’s actually crazy. I think my brain needs to catch up to my heart. Because my heart is thriving, but my brain is a killjoy.

Another.

I turned to my dad with a wild look in my eyes (probably), and said some shit like, “Yeah, me and my boyfriend, Will Byers, had such a great time last night! We stared longingly into each others’ eyes for hours, then we cuddled, then we kissed, and then we got each other off! It was so hot, Dad. Truly. I wish you could’ve seen–” … I know what I said was a lot. I mean, it was pretty vulgar. Plus, it's never actually happened, and it never will happen. So I'm sorry about that.

Another.

I found this set of dice, though, and they were just… so you. They were a deep, translucent purple with gold stars painted around each number, all of which were also gold. They reminded me of your Will the Wise costume. I know you haven’t worn it in a long time, and that’s probably my fault. I think the last time you wore it was the day we had that fight in the garage, when I told you it wasn’t my fault you didn’t like girls. And the sick, twisted irony of that is, in reality, I’m the one out of the both of us who doesn’t like girls.

Another. Another. Another.

I think about you and those fucking gorgeous lips almost every waking moment. And the urge to follow through with my desire to kiss you always gets stronger whenever you’re in the room. Which is unfortunate, since you’re always in the room now— specifically my room, because it’s summer, so of course we’re hanging out every day. We made that stupid promise to dedicate one-on-one time to just the two of us. If only “one-on-one” was synonymous with “you-on-me.” Or “me-on-you”…? Either would work for me, honestly. But there’s something about the thought of you straddling me and leaning your entire body weight onto me that makes me weak in the knees. I’m kind of glad your mom wanted you home tonight, because there’s only so long I can refrain from lunging into your space and holding your face in between my hands and

But then, your very short swim trunks clung to your thighs, and eventually, I was able to see the full outline of your dick. Like, the whole thing. Those shorts do not leave anything to the imagination. And, imagine I did. I began to fantasize about the most lewd things: getting you off with my hand, sucking you until you came down my throat, using those thick thighs to grind myself down onto, groping your perfect ass as you flip me over onto my back, feeling the sensation of our dicks rubbing together through our clothes, feeling you on me, inside of me. That last mental image snapped me out of my thoughts, and I realized I was rock hard in my own swim trunks.

We fell asleep, together, on the couch last night, cuddling like we had during the time that you lived with me, and I felt something similar to homesickness. Nostalgia. When we woke up, I was resting my head on your chest, and I shifted my eyes upwards to look at your lips, which were slightly parted by the soundest of sleeps. I wanted to kiss you. I really, really wanted to kiss you, Will. And I want you to hold me in your arms forever, because it’s the only place I can truly call home.

I continued shuffling through the letters, counting twenty five. Plus the one in the notebook, which made a grand total of twenty six. I could barely believe what I was seeing. This had to be a kind of creative writing exercise or something. Or maybe he’d met another person named Will and… fallen deeply in love with them? Or maybe it was a cruel joke Mike was playing on me, because he’d decided that writing love letters would be a good prank to pull on his gay best friend. He had no right to do this to me. No fucking right. I ripped the last letter out of the notebook, gathered the rest of them between my sweaty hands, and headed down the two flights of stairs leading to the basement.

When I’d attempted to confront Mike about the letters, I was pinned against the wall and kissed as if it were something I should have been expecting that entire time. There was no way I could have fathomed that this was how my time in Hawkins was going to close out. I’d been looking forward to the point in my life where everything could just be normal for once; I’d been on a decent roll for the past two years. But Mike just had to go and drop the bomb on me that he wanted the two of us to spend the rest of our lives together, and that threw me for a goddamn loop, because in what world– in what universe– was Mike Wheeler loving me, Will Byers, even remotely viable? Had the Upside Down come back again? Was I trapped in a nightmarish torture chamber, with Mike as the subject of said nightmare?

I would believe it, honestly; when I mentally added up the Vecnapocalypse period of our relationship (including the Almost-Kiss), the endless mixed signals afterwards, senior prom, the letters, and the probability that Mike would have just let me leave town without admitting his stupid, dumb, impossible feelings or letting me know about all of those love letters he’d written over the past few years, it made sense. And that kiss, if he’d really meant it, made Mike’s stance on our relationship crystal fucking clear, leaving me feeling breathless and blindsided. By the time I escaped the Wheeler house that humid August evening with tears following the semi-permanent track marks that stained my face due to crying for literal years back to back, I knew for sure and certain that I couldn’t spend one more week in Hawkins, Indiana. I was done.

I had been pretty damn quick about escaping Hawkins to begin with, but the urgency to get away from Mike only accelerated my timeline. I spent the rest of the summer avoiding Mike at all costs; I’d been working at Melvald’s with my mom all summer, but started picking up extra hours under the guise of wanting to save as much money as I could for my new car– which I’d already had more than enough money for, but still. Time spent at work was time spent away from Mike. And a couple extra paychecks couldn’t hurt. Mom certainly didn’t complain; she loved having me around, and savored every moment she could with her Baby Boy before I moved to the Windy City.

I realized, as I sat on my mattress amongst heaps of boxes scattered across the floor of my dorm at the American Academy of Art, that anger seemed to fuel my unpacking process. It ignited the flame of desire for transition and change in my life. And oh, after the summer I’d just had, did I desperately need a change. This particular change, I decided, would be good for me. I was out of Hawkins, at my dream school, about to begin studying the subject that I loved most in the entire world, and Michael Wheeler wasn’t around anymore to throw me off. I grabbed a marker out of my pencil case and marked off the date on my calendar: Sunday, August 20th, 1989. This was going to be a good, drama-less, normal year. I could feel it.

“That’s everything, huh?” I turned to look towards the doorway, where my mom stood with misty eyes. She took a few steps inside, letting the door close, and I hopped off my bed and wrapped her in a tight embrace, kissing the top of her head.

“Yeah, this is it,” I said, my voice shaking a little bit with overwhelming emotion. It was bittersweet. Yes, I hated Hawkins, and was grateful to have finally escaped, but I also hated the idea of leaving my mom back in Indiana. She’d brushed my concern off, saying she wouldn’t be alone, because my stepdad would be there with her. I didn’t even like referring to Hopper as my stepdad. I’d accidentally called Hopper “Dad,” over dinner a year ago, and after an emotional encounter where James Hopper, the Hawkins Chief of Police, shed actual tears, the name kind of stuck. Hopper couldn’t make the trip up to Chicago with Mom, as he needed to help El move into her dorm at Vanderbilt University.

Mom pulled back to smile up at me. “You are going to do, and are already doing, great things in this world, Will. You deserve every opportunity you’ve been given, and more. I am so proud to be your mom.” I felt tears pricking my eyes. I’d miss my mom the most.

“I love you,” I replied, hugging her once more in order to avoid an emotional breakdown. I’d gotten close to having one at least five times throughout the day, but never did. I saw the door open out of my peripheral vision, and I lifted my head to see a guy step into the room. His hair was shaved down to a buzzcut, and a copious amount of freckles splayed themselves across his face. He casually strode right past me, without even acknowledging my existence, before tossing his duffel bag onto his bed and unzipping it. Only now did I notice the near-complete setup on the other side of the room; he’d apparently been here for a while.

I decided to talk first and introduce myself, because this guy clearly wasn’t willing to make any effort. I wanted to make a good impression, even if Buzzcut Dude didn’t. 

“Hey, uh, I’m Will. Byers.”

“Aaron Heathrow,” Buzzcut Dude– Aaron– replied, turning towards me. We gained eye contact for the first time, and Aaron’s eyebrows curved into backwards S’s on his forehead. He looked me up and down and scoffed, returning to his unpacking without another word. Well. This was going to be an awkward arrangement, that was for sure.

“Honey, let’s go check out the common area!” Mom broke the silence, and I couldn’t help but glare back at her. I wanted to deal with this on my own. I loved my mom with my entire heart and would literally die for her, but this was not my idea of a fresh start. Mom gave me a knowing look and I, knowing my mother’s stubborn nature all too well, followed her out the door and down the hallway. She led us toward the armchairs in the common area and gestured for me to sit down next to her. I knew where this was going, but I obliged anyway.

“Are you sure–”

“Mom, oh my God, I’m fine–”

“He just seemed very–”

“Yeah, okay, he was rude,” I kept my voice low at the risk of people overhearing, but keeping my tone firm. “But not everyone in this world is kind. I, of all people, should know that.” I watched as my mom’s features fell from their usual anxiety-riddled state and into more of an empathetic sadness.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt,” she murmured, and for a second, I felt badly for snapping. I shook off that shame, because as unfortunate as this situation was, I knew in my gut that I was right; the world didn’t owe kindness to me. But I also knew I didn’t owe kindness to the world, either. It had taken enough from me already.

“I just want to stick this out for a little bit before jumping to conclusions,” I said, and my mom went to talk, but I continued on before she could. “I’ll switch rooms if anything does happen, I promise.” I took my mom’s hands in my own in an attempt to put her mind at ease, which would not be an easy feat, but I could at least try.

Apparently it worked, because the next thing she said to me caught me off guard: “Okay, sweetie. I’m sorry if I overstepped.” Who was this woman, and what did she do with Joyce Byers-Hopper? Hell if I knew.

“No, it’s fine,” I assured her, “I just… I want to start making my own decisions and being more independent and stuff. And I want you to know that I’ll be okay.” I placed a hand on Mom’s shoulder, knowing that this transition would be incredibly difficult for her to process. After everything that had happened with the Upside Down, I had been shocked when my mom was so encouraging regarding my pursuit of art school. I’d assumed that she would want me to stay as close to Hawkins as possible. But in the end, she had been the one to slide the American Academy of Art pamphlet across the table.

“I know you will,” Mom smiled up at me, reaching up to pat my cheek. I leaned into the affection, knowing that this would probably be my last time seeing my mom until Thanksgiving. She raised her left wrist up to her face and squinted at her watch. “I should start heading home, before it gets dark. I love you, my sweet boy.”

I couldn’t help but pull Mom in for one last hug, feeling the emotion creep back into my voice as I told my mom that I loved her so much and to call me when she got home so I’d know she was safe and sound. I walked her out of the main lobby, waving as she headed back to the visitor parking lot. When she pulled away, I turned on my heel and headed back up to my dorm room. My dorm room. Holy shit. I was in college. What even was life?

I opened the door to my room and saw Aaron laying on his bed, his basketball short-clad legs spread obnoxiously far apart in front of him as he read what looked like a book about the Reign of Ronald Reagan. Lovely. I diverted my eyes before he could catch me staring, and focused on the pile of boxes I had yet to unpack. I picked one up, set it down on the edge of my bed, and unfolded the pre-bent corners on the top to reveal my extensive sweater collection. Perfect.

I pulled out the blue sweatshirt on top, letting it fall into its full form in my hands. Oh, god. This was Mike’s sweatshirt, the one I’d stolen from him last winter. I laid it out on the mattress and reached in for the next sweater, but there weren’t any more. I peered inside the box to see the dice… that Mike had given me for my seventeenth birthday, the picture frame… that held a photo Jonathan had taken last year when Mike had the genius idea to hop his six foot three self up onto my handlebars, and the binder… that held all of Mike’s letters that he’d written to me. I’d kept everything in a shoebox under my bed back home, and I had no recollection of packing them. How did they end up making it to Chicago with me? No matter how it happened, it had, and I was stuck with all these memories of Mike. I would never throw them out, because that would most definitely keep me up at night. And I didn’t want to hide them away, because despite the sadness I felt when I looked at them, they were also accompanied by a strange sense of appreciation for what Mike and I did have: thirteen years of friendship. That’s still something, right?

I shrugged the sweatshirt on. I’m wearing it because it’s comfortable, I tried to justify myself to myself, not for any other reason. Now that that was settled, I was determined to unpack something that would make my room feel like my own. I set the dice and the picture frame on my desk and reached over to the rolled-up posters that sat on top of all my bags. I removed the tape from the edges of one of them and unrolled it to reveal the album cover of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Elton John. I smiled to myself and grabbed a few thumbtacks from my box labeled “School Supplies,” before standing on top of my mattress and hanging the poster on the wall. Once I was satisfied with its placement (five attempts and three concerningly lost thumbtacks later), I got off of my mattress and took a step back to admire my work, putting my hands on my hips.

“Elton John?” I heard a voice ask from behind me, and I turned around to face Aaron, whose facial expression had settled into what looked like disgust. I’d forgotten he was even there. “Jeez, man, if I knew I’d be dorming with a fag this year, I’d’ve brought my gun.” I knew it. I knew he was a homophobe, I knew it from the second he’d looked me up and down when I’d introduced myself earlier. Maybe my mom was–

“Better to shoot you with, my dear,” I replied coolly, before snapping my mouth shut and widening my eyes at the realization that I was the one who had just said that. I’d never been good at comebacks; that was more of Mike’s specialty. In high school, I was the one stuttering out the lamest retorts of all time while Mike verbally kicked our bullies’ asses right back at record speed. I envied his lack of filter sometimes.

“What did you just say?” Aaron narrowed his eyes and moved to get off his bed and meet me in the middle of our room, so we stood face to face. I could feel his breath on my face, and it smelled like stale sour cream and onion chips, but I stood my ground.

“I said,” I lowered my voice, moving closer into Aaron’s space, “I’m a pretty damn good shot, so you’d best leave me alone.” He took a few steps away from me and put his hands up in surrender. Good. When I promised to myself that things were going to be different, I meant it. I was not going to take any shit from this guy, or anyone else for that matter. Not anymore.

“Where was I?” I asked myself, flipping right back into the good mood I’d been in before. I picked up the next one and hummed to myself before hanging up my poster of The Cure’s Boys Don’t Cry.

This campus was so confusing. I had to stop and turn around on the sidewalk at least three times before I found the Convocation Hall, where I was due… right now for orientation. I pulled the unnecessarily heavy door open with all the strength I had, which was not much, but I managed to make it through and reach the sign in table for last names A-E.

“Hi! Welcome to freshman orientation!” the girl seated at the table smiled at me, and I noticed little white stars drawn in the corners of her eyes. “Can I have your last name, please?”

“Sure, it’s Byers,” I replied, “B-Y-E-R-S.”

“William okay? For your name tag.”

“Just Will’s fine.”

“Alright,” she nodded, handing me one of those cheesy Hello My Name Is stickers. “So you’re gonna be over in circle seven, head on over there and take a seat!”

“Thank…” I trailed off, having to squint so I could read the name she’d written on her tag. Kate. “Thank you, Kate!”

“You’re welcome!” she called after me, and I walked over towards the table with the giant green “7” centerpiece. I glanced down at my tag, noticing what Kate had written on my tag: Just Will. I swiveled around quickly, and watched as Kate snorted a laugh, giving me a thumbs up. She was funny. I smiled back, returning the thumbs up before approaching my group.

I had no idea what to expect; we’d obviously be going over typical orientation things like campus life, rules and regulations, and maybe a fire escape route or two. But we would also more than likely be doing icebreakers, like a “getting to know your peers” kind of deal. I hated icebreaker exercises, because not much about me was interesting. Not much that I was legally permitted to share, anyway. And even if I could, I wasn’t sure if I would want to revisit that time in my life, or if I wanted others to know about what I’d been through. I was kind of grateful that my NDAs revoked that decision for me.

I reached the only empty seat left at my table– karma for my tardiness– and sat down with my group, who was already knee-deep in conversation. The only seat left was between two girls; one of them looked like she could star in a live action anime series, and the other looked like she’d fit right in with a stoner rock band.

A guy with bleach blonde hair noticed my presence and glanced up, a smile spreading across his face. “Aye! A newcomer! Welcome! What’s your name?”

“Uh, Will,” I eloquently said.

The guy stood up, crossing the circle in order to shake my hand. “Nice to meet you, Will! I’m Pete, your group leader, and…” he looked around at everyone else, “Why don’t we all go around the circle to catch Will up?” The girl sitting next to Pete lifted a hand in greeting, starting off the Name Game.

“Hey, I’m Claire Bierker.”

“Ryan Baker.”

“Jackson Boonstra.”

“Ivy Baldwin.”

“Hannah Reid.”

“Wait–” Pete cut Hannah off, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “Reid? I have you on here as ‘Beid.’”

“Yeah, um, about that… there might have been a typo on my application, something to do with my terrible handwriting.” The rest of us laughed at that, including Pete.

“Well… I think you should be fine here. Will, take your seat between Hannah and Ivy, and we can get started on our other activities.” Half an hour went by, and we’d all kind of drifted away from the initial Orientation outline that Pete had been working off of. I was kind of glad that this was the case; if I had to tell one more person about my favorite food, I was gonna riot. Beside me, I felt Ivy nudge my arm with her elbow.

“So. This is gonna be a fucking blast,” she muttered.

“Tell me about it,” I replied.

“What’s your major?”

“Painting,” I said, “You?”

“Ceramics.”

“Woah, really? That’s so cool!”

“Thanks,” she grinned. I felt Hannah lightly tap my shoulder with her fingertips, and I turned my head to give her my attention. It hit me that I hadn’t been to a social function since that last high school party the Party and I went to; I wasn’t used to this amount of attention.

“I can’t help but notice your guitar pin on your backpack,” Hannah gestured downward, where my black Jansport backpack sagged onto my shins. “Do you play?”

No. The pin was Mike’s. I might have stolen it from him.

“My… my friend does,” I hesitated, trying my best not to outwardly cringe at myself. Mike was not my friend. Mike ruined my fucking life. He wrote twenty-six letters to me, confessed his undying love for me out loud, kissed me with an urgency that haunts me every night, and then expected me to just– “I don’t play any instruments. I wish I did. But I love to listen to rock music.”

“What are your favorite bands?” Ivy asked me, and I hummed in contemplation. I leaned back in my chair, wrapping my feet around the front legs for gravitational support. That way, I could see the both of them without getting whiplash.

“The Cure, Pink Floyd, The Smiths, the Beatles… I also like Bowie and Elton John.”

“Look at you! Hannah, this is my kinda guy!” Ivy exclaimed, smacking my shoulder so hard that I almost fell backwards onto the floor. Hannah saved me, though, pulling me upright again. 

“Let’s not scare him off, now,” Hannah laughed uneasily, and I shook my head.

“No, you’re not gonna scare me off. This is kind of… nice, actually,” I admitted, folding my hands together in my lap. “Would you guys wanna hang after this snooze fest is over?”

“I’m so down,” Ivy replied instantly, and Hannah agreed not even a second later.

Maybe making new friends wouldn’t be as difficult as I’d imagined.

We ordered a pizza and, in the meantime, headed up to my dorm. I unlocked the door and braced myself for Aaron’s usual disdain, but was pleasantly surprised when my roommate was nowhere to be found. I exhaled, and headed inside, holding the door open for the two girls. Hannah immediately gravitated toward my desk, where my set of dice rested atop the little purple pouch they came in.

“Oh my God, you play D&D?” she gasped.

I nodded, taking a few steps in her direction. “Yeah, I used to play more often with my friends back home. But… I kind of stopped a few years ago. They all lost interest.” ... ‘Lost interest’ was a fucking understatement.

“Well that’s depressing,” Hannah slumped down onto my comforter, haphazardly splaying her arms out on either side. “Tell you what, though,” she lifted her head to look at me, “My roommate, Kate just so happens to be the the DM of our school’s D&D Club, and she was telling me that they’re gonna be at the activities fair next week. Maybe we can check it out!” 

Wait a minute… I knew that name. “By any chance was Kate at–”

“The A-E sign in table at Orientation? Yup, that’s her!” she grinned. “She’s a junior. They paired all the freshmen with upperclassmen this year for some reason. Something about mentorship? I dunno,” she sat up and shifted her gaze to Aaron’s side of the room. “Who’s your roommate? He has…” she squinted, reading the titles of the books on his desk before widening her eyes in shock. “He has an interesting taste in literature.”

I could only nod. Meanwhile, I couldn’t help but notice Ivy’s fixation on something on my desk. Maybe she was just admiring the dice, or checking out my pile of books. But as I moved closer, I realized that she was staring at none other than the picture frame. The one and only picture frame I owned. The one and only picture frame I owned that just so happened to hold that one photo of– “Who’s this attractive string bean?”– Mike.

“Oh, he’s just a friend,” I said, and Ivy shot a suspicious look in my direction.

“Looks like you two were close,” she smirked up at me. “Really close.” 

“Were. Past tense,” I repeated back to her firmly. I really didn’t want to dredge up my turbulent… whatever-ship with Mike Wheeler right now. I just wanted to focus on the Here and Now of it all.

“So, Will, are you dating anyone?” Hannah asked, changing the subject. And for that, I would be eternally grateful. Because even from hundreds of miles away, Mike Wheeler still managed to stress me out.

“No, my love life is kind of dead at the moment,” I shrugged, and Hannah’s eyes lit up.

“Maybe we can find you a cute girl!”

Woah. I hadn’t been expecting to have to come out so soon, but… there’s a time and a place for everything, and apparently, this was both the time and place, no matter how apprehensive I felt about it.

“Um, about that…” I began, but was cut off by the sound of Ivy’s palm smacking the surface of my desk.

“What did I tell you?!” she exclaimed, her wild eyes meeting Hannah’s. “I called it. I. Fucking. Called. It.” I was so confused.

“Huh? Called what?” 

“You’re gay, right? You’re into guys?” Ivy asked, and I nodded hesitantly.

“See?!” she screeched suddenly. “I’ve got lesbian intuition!” 

“Guess I don’t have to formally come out, then,” I chuckled.

“I’m so sorry about her,” Hannah placed a hand on my shoulder, and I shook my head. I took her hand in mine, lowering our connected hands off my shoulder and swinging them back and forth between us.

“No, it’s okay, it made things easier for me, I guess. I’m kind of glad I didn’t have to prepare a dramatic speech or anything.”

“Yeah, God, that’s always a pain,” Ivy added. “It’s so stressful running the risk of ruining a friendship or relationship just by being yourself.”

I knew that experience all too well. “Yes, it’s horrible.” 

“I have a feeling we’re going to be good friends, William Byers,” Ivy smiled, taking both mine and Hannah’s free hands so we formed a triangle. “Best friends, even.”

My first class was Painting I with Dr. Miriam Horovitz, located clear on the other side of campus. I knew from the get go that it would take a while for me to figure out where the hell I was going, so I left an hour early, just in case something like this happened. And it did. So when I finally sat on a worn-down stool in front of an empty easel, it felt all the more surreal. I’d made it. To class. But also… I’d made it to art school in Chicago.

Dr. Horovitz was a short, middle-aged southern lady who had the combined fashion sense of a Flower Power protestor and a gothic, medieval witch. Mike would have loved– no. No. Not now. I needed to focus, specifically on the assignment Dr. Horov– Miriam, as she insisted upon us calling her– was explaining.

“So for your first assignment, I want y’all to paint something that brings you joy, but also inflicts immense pain. It could be a feeling, a person, a material object… it’s up to y’all where you want to take your projects. I’m just tryin’ to figure out everyone’s specific styles.”

If I were given this assignment a year prior, I would have done something related to the Upside Down. But now, as I closed my eyes, my thoughts went awry. Vines, snakes, fire… Mike. Vecna, gouged out eyes, mold… Mike. The rain fight. The Almost Kiss. The neverending flirtation. Prom. The letters. No, Will, I’m in love with you. Don’t say that, please don’t say that, you don’t mean it. Mike’s sobs echoing up the stairwell on my way out.

Well… looks like Mike is gonna be the subject of my first ever project in art school, I thought, rubbing a hand down my face with a groan. Fuck me.

I glanced at myself in the mirror, which I currently stood in front of, shirtless. I’d been insecure about my body for years. I had always been more on the skinny side, but then I got tall and skinny, my knees turned into knobs, and my voice dropped— but I kept my baby face. I was a walking contradiction. It didn’t help that my clothes just made me look worse. They were more often than not hand-me-downs from Jonathan, or purchased for a buck each at the thrift store. When I was younger, I would secretly resent my mom for not being able to afford newer, more flattering clothing. Then, I learned about the concepts of money and divorce, and that resentment never once entered my mind after that. I could never blame my mom for our circumstances, and would never dream of holding our poverty against her, but still. It was embarrassing. Especially when most of my other friends walked around looking like they’d come fresh out of the Starcourt Mall. Thankfully, when I’d moved to California, my shoulders had filled out a little bit, and I could wear most of those clothes without cringing anymore. And after the events of the Upside Down, I spent some of my government hush money on a new wardrobe.

Even then, despite the broader shoulders, newer wardrobe, and a few years’ time, there still wasn’t really much to see, physically speaking; I looked less like a young man, and more like a boy with unbalanced muscle mass and light, barely-there stubble on my jaw. To be fair, I was only five months into being eighteen, and had plenty of time for my body to mature. Working out would probably help quicken the process.

“Alright, man, you ready to go?” Aaron came out of the bathroom rather abruptly, startling me out of my thoughts. Aaron’s eyes lowered down to my torso, lingering for a few extra seconds before he said, “I’m glad you decided to come with. You definitely need it,” with a light chuckle. I felt my face burning up with self consciousness as I scrambled to my dresser, throwing on the first shirt I could get my hands on: a plain white Fruit of the Loom tee, the kind that came in a multipack. It was a bit loose on me; my mom had been a bit optimistic when she’d talked me into buying the mediums. 

I could have easily turned down Aaron’s offer to go to the gym with him. Aaron’s new membership included a promotional perk which gave him the option to invite a second person for free. In turn, once the person paying for the membership had built up enough points, they could redeem said points for a private training session. Aaron, a cup that apparently overfloweth with boundless generosity, offered that guest spot up to me. Because I was poor. And skinny. And I liked Elton John. That was, like, the trifecta of male incompetence. I often thought about why Aaron insisted upon coming to the American Academy of Art if he hated gay people so much. I assumed that in order to get on Aaron’s “good” side– whatever the hell that even meant, if it even existed–, I would simply have to play the role of a straight guy, which was what I had been doing for my entire life up until a few months ago, so it wouldn’t be difficult to do.

I hastily laced my black high top Vans up, tying them a bit too tightly, but I was too intimidated by my roommate’s eyes drilling lasers into my scalp to care. I grabbed my empty drawstring bag, because what do you even bring to a gym, tossed my wallet and keys into it, and followed Aaron out the door. We headed down the hall and descended the stairwell, and I watched as his calf muscles flexed with every step.

“So. How’re you liking the school so far?” he called back to me, and I got confused for a second, because, was he talking to me? “Any interesting classes this semester?” Oh. Okay, so I wasn’t just hearing things.

“Uh… it’s good,” I replied, quickening my steps to catch up to him, “I really like my painting class. The campus is just kind of confusing to navigate.”

Aaron chuckled at that, holding the door open for me once we reached the dorm hall entryway. “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it. I must have gotten lost seven or eight times in my first year.”

“Oh, you’re a–”

“Junior. Architecture major.”

Huh. I’d kind of forgotten about the Junior-Freshman pairing system. And it made a lot of sense why he had decided to pursue architecture. It’s the straightest art form there is. We approached the student parking garage, and Aaron fished in his pocket for his keys.

“Oh, nice,” I said, “what made you choose to go here?”

“They have the best architecture program in the state,” he shrugged. “I’m really into postmodern stuff as well, and most schools don’t really teach that. But they do here.”

When we got into his car, I had to hold myself back from rolling my eyes into the darkest depths of my skull, because of course it was a Mercedes. Aaron checked his reflection in the rearview mirror before reaching an arm behind my seat, leaning back and looking behind him as he backed out of the parking spot. I was shocked; Aaron seemed to despise being within two feet of me, and now he had almost come into contact with my shoulder. Were we… making progress? “By the way,” Aaron said once he’d changed gears, “I’m sorry for being such a dick. I think I misjudged you.”

See, now, my kneejerk reaction had always been to cut the person who was apologizing off with a lighthearted, reassuring, “No, it’s okay.” I always felt the need to absolve people of their guilt, but now, that need was seemingly gone, because I let him continue with his apology without interjecting once. And it felt nice to not take on someone else’s burden.

“I just can’t stand all these fucking homos around here, I thought I was stuck living with one.” If he hated homos so much, then what the hell was he doing at the American Academy of Art? What was he expecting? If you hate gay people, don’t go to an exclusive art school. You’re basically asking for your own personal torture chamber, I thought.  But I kept my thoughts to myself, opting to sit there in silence for the rest of the ride. The drama simply wasn’t worth it.

We arrived at the gym, and Aaron headed straight over to the treadmills. “Cardio,” he explained, and I went along with it, because if it weren’t for him, I would have no clue where to begin. We ran a mile and a half before switching gears and moving to the dumbbells. Aaron handed me a pair of 2-pounders, just to fuck with me, but then actually taught me how to lift the 5-pounders properly, without tearing muscle. We then moved over to the larger sets of weights, which Aaron loaded onto a bar and taught me how to do a proper barbell hip thrust, which I found to be a strange first exercise to teach someone. I had no idea so much effort went into the form and technique. But I found myself strangely loving it. I’d have to find time to go on my own time, so I didn’t feel so pressured as I did around Aaron.

I felt like I was dying as we stood beside the water fountain. I raised my cheap AAoA water bottle to my lips and chugged the lukewarm water as quickly as the dumbass mouthpiece would allow me, which was not much. I messed with it for a few seconds before Aaron grunted out, “Congrats on the new girlfriend, by the way.” I was so glad I hadn’t unscrewed the top yet, because I damn near dropped the bottle out of pure shock.

“I’m sorry, what?” I spluttered, and Aaron merely clapped my back with a laugh. “Don’t be shy, Byers, you’re dating Hannah fucking Reid! Own that shit!” Oh, I was going to kill her. I knew she meant well, but… really?

As soon as we got back onto campus, I sprinted to the girls’ dorms and up the stairs to Hannah’s room. I knocked, but could hear really loud music playing… was that Zeppelin IV? We’d gotten to that point in our friendship where Hannah, Ivy, and I would barge into each others’ rooms unannounced, but I apparently never got the memo that anything had changed. 

“Wanna tell me why Aaron goddamn Heathrow thinks we’re–” I started, but cut myself off at the sight in front of me. Ivy and Hannah pulled away from each other– no, excuse me, Ivy moved from where she’d been straddling a borderline naked Hannah on her bed. I turned away, shielding my eyes with a screech. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I should have knocked louder– You guys are together?!”

And then it made so much more sense. If Hannah and I were “dating,” at face value, then she’d be able to be with Ivy. And– in their words, not mine– I’d be able to find a “sexy hunk” of my own someday soon. As much as we all hated the idea of a “beard,” arrangement, it was the best possible way for all of us to love who we wanted to love. That conversation ended with happy tears, hugs, and hope.

My sketch of Mike was coming together nicely. I’d been meticulously planning it out for the past week on smaller sheets of paper, and had finally transferred it to a giant canvas. I shifted my hand from side to side across the canvas to darken and further emphasize Mike’s prominent jawline. It was insane how drastic and how quickly that transformation had happened; it was so hard to believe now that Mike had ever been bullied for his looks. If only our bullies could see what Frog Face looked like now. I was convinced that if someone were to put a piece of glass within three inches of Mike’s insanely sharp bone structure, the glass would split in two. I smirked at the thought and glanced down at my pencils, which I’d lined up neatly on my right hand side in order of lightest to darkest. I was about to decide which one to use for shading his cheekbones when I heard a familiar, strong Southern drawl from behind me.

“And who is this handsome young fella?” Dr. Horovitz asked me, and I felt my body deflate a little bit. She wasn’t wrong. Mike’s attractiveness was undeniable. Using Mike as my muse for the past thirteen years definitely helped in portraying his beauty. Even then, I didn’t want to entertain that idea any longer than I had to, so I downplayed it.

“Oh, just this guy from back home,” I said, refusing to meet her eyes, which I just knew were overflowing with curiosity, given the silence that followed. “He’s not important now,” I added, just to make a point. And that was the truth. He wasn’t important. He wasn’t… as important. Not as important as how I’d made him out to be throughout my childhood, sitting high on a pedestal. Dear Will, when I look into your eyes, I see the rest of my–

“I notice there’s a bite to the way you talk about him,” my professor noted, and I turned to try and meet her gaze, but she was observing my work thus far. “If he isn’t important now, as you say, he must have been important in the past.”

Who even was this lady? She was the professor of my painting class, yet she was reading me like a therapist would. And I knew by the slight insistence laced in her voice and the way she’d parked herself next to my station that she wasn’t going away until she’d gotten some answers.

“He and I didn’t leave things on the best terms when we left for school,” I admitted, and Dr. Horovitz nodded, processing. I turned away to take a sip from my water bottle as she spoke.

“Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. So he’s an ex boyfriend, then?” 

I nearly spit out my water. “God, no,” I said, feeling heat rise to my face at lightning speed. “He… uh, he’s– he was my best friend. Mike.” 

“Mm. Best Friend Mike,” she crossed her arms in thought. Suddenly, her eyes snapped over to mine, the eye contact sending chills down my spine. I worried about what she would try to pry out of me next. “He broke your heart, didn’t he?”

Well, shit. She’d been able to see right through me. Maybe I wasn’t as good of a liar as I thought I was. So much for being vague.

“Yeah,” I confessed slowly, watching a smile spread across my professor’s face. Sadist! “Yeah, he did break my heart. And he really messed with my head. But even now, I still believe he’s the best thing to ever happen to me.”

“Well, you’ve covered the topic of the assignment quite well,” she told me, taking a step backwards. “I’m looking forward to seeing your progress.” 

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“Will, I told all of you on the first day of class, call me Miriam. None of that old lady business.” 

“Sorry, Miriam.” 

“You’re forgiven.”

I watched Miriam walk away and begin talking to one of the other students in my class about their piece, and I tried to focus back on my work. But Miriam had gotten me thinking. She had gotten me thinking about one specific day. The day where Mike finally confronted me about the painting.

“Hey, can we talk about something for a second?” Mike asked from across his basement couch. I set my pencil and sketchbook down. He had insisted upon being a model for my potential college portfolio. I didn’t even know if I’d be going to art school at all, but he was so sure that I’d get in somewhere “really fuckin’ cool.” Mike shifted his body out of the position he’d been in for the past hour, and I heard his joints crack as he stretched his long legs out onto my lap. Don’t get a boner, Byers, I thought to myself, repeating it like a mantra in my head.

“Sure,” I croaked out, my voice rough from lack of use. “Uh, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he said, “I was talking with El yesterday, and I mentioned the commission she’d given you for the painting.” Oh shit. “You know, the one from Spring Break.”

I gulped. “Yeah?”

“It’s kind of funny, actually,” Mike continued, “because El said she had no idea what the word ‘commission’ even meant. Do you know anything about that?”

“I’m not following,” I blurted out in a sad attempt to preserve my own feelings, but Mike knew that I’d never been capable of keeping secrets from him. 

“Come on, Will. I know you know what I mean.” He gave me a pointed look and pulled his legs in before scooching closer to my side of the couch, crossing his legs. Our knees touched, and I felt like I was on fire.

I knew then that I’d been caught red-handed. “I was trying to–”

“What, lie to me?” Mike cut me off as he stared down at the carpeted floor. “I thought we didn’t do that.”

“I told you what you needed to hear,” I said, and Mike crossed his arms.

“Yeah, so you lied.”

“I didn’t want to lie, Mike!”

“But you did, Will, and that’s–”

“Just listen, alright?!” I raised my voice, startling Mike into silence. I hated doing that, but it was the only way he’d listen to what I had to say. “Hear me out, okay?” Mike’s lips formed a straight, thin line as he nodded. “I just… I thought if the painting came from El, you’d feel needed again. Like, you told me you felt worthless to her, so I did what I could to try and… fix… that.” Suddenly, Mike’s face was inches from my own, and I could barely breathe. It was probably just my imagination, but I could have sworn I saw Mike’s eyes flicker down to my lips, then back up to meet mine again.

“You know,” Mike breathed, blinking slowly, “It would have meant a lot more if you’d admitted that the painting was from you.”

“Oh,” was the only word I was able to get out.

“Yeah,” Mike said, voice smooth as velvet, “You’re my person, Will.”

“Hey, Will! We– woah.” I hadn’t noticed I’d spaced out until Ivy’s voice hit my ears. I turned to see both her and Hannah gaping at my work.

“Oh! Hey!” I smiled, trying to keep the tone light, “I wasn’t expecting you guys to be–”

“Is that the guy from that photo in your room?” Hannah asked.

“Well… yes,” I admitted, “but he’s not–” 

“Bullshit,” Ivy interrupted, her eyes narrowed. “Bullshit to everything you’ve said and are about to say. You’re going to tell us about this boy.”

“Fine. Can I at least wash the paint off my hands first?”

Our D&D Club had a bi-weekly movie night, where we would all go to Kate’s house in our pajamas and eat enough snacks to feed a small army. Both Kate’s and my favorite candy was Reese’s Pieces, so there was always an overabundance of them in her pantry. I shoved my hand into a bag I had rested between my legs, throwing a handful back as if they were a shot of hard liquor. The credits of CLUE were rolling, and Kate spun around from where she sat on the floor wrapped in a giant quilt. She clapped loudly to get our full, undivided attention.

“Okay, so. What are we thinking for Halloween?”

Crickets.

“We need a group costume for the party in two weeks, obviously!” Kate exclaimed, as if this were supposed to be common knowledge. I didn’t think Halloween was a thing anymore. It certainly wasn’t a thing when I was still in Hawkins. “We need one that fits a group of five.”

“We should all be Ghostbusters!” Pete said, but Ivy immediately shot that idea down.

“Too clunky. Plus, the proton packs are gonna be a bitch to make, not to mention difficult to lug around everywhere.”

“She’s right,” I found myself saying, and felt all of my friends’ eyes on me, expecting me to explain myself.

“You’ve dressed as a Ghostbuster before?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, “Back in middle school. My friends and I made proton packs out of vacuum tubes attached to these huge plastic boxes with straps.”

“That’s badass!”

“Well, yeah,” Kate shrugged nonchalantly, “But that also cancels out that option, since Will has done it already.”

“If we take into account every costume everyone has ever done, then there will be no options left,” Pete pointed out, and Kate grimaced.

“That’s fair.”

“What if we did Marvel characters?” Hannah asked, and I shook my head.

“That would put us in the same situation as the Ghostbusters, it’s too complex.”

“Hey, guys.”

“Fine, well, what if we did the Beatles?”

“There are four Beatles, Pete.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Guys.”

“What about Yoko?”

“Please don’t tell me you just suggested Yoko is the fifth Beatle, Pete.”

“Is she not???”

“I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just ask that.”

“Mötley Crüe?”

“The Runaways,” Pete grinned. “Will and I could go in drag, it’d be so hot.”

Hannah’s eyebrows furrowed. “Why are we suddenly so focused on bands?”

“I don’t know, do you have any doable ideas?” Pete retorted.

“Hey assholes!” Kate snapped.

“What?!” we all shouted back.

“We should be the Mystery Gang.”

“As in Scooby Doo?” I thought out loud.

“That’s a really good idea, actually,” Pete nodded slowly. “It’s classic, people will know who we are, and they won’t perceive us as total rejects!”

“I want to be Velma,” Ivy announced.

“That makes one of us,” Hannah snorted.

“Hey! I’d be a hot Velma!”

“I won’t deny that.”

“I guess I’ll be Fred,” Pete said.

“Will has got to be Shaggy,” Kate giggled, reaching her arm out far enough to run her fingers through and mess up my hair. “I mean, his hair is perfect for it.”

“Yes, oh my God–”

“He’d be the buffest Shaggy I’ve ever seen,” Ivy said, and I whipped my head in her direction.

“Buff? What do you mean, buff?”

“Will, have you seen yourself lately?” Hannah gawked. I had no idea what she meant.

“I mean, yeah, I go to the gym pretty frequently, but like, it’s not like I’ve changed that much…”

“Will, honey,” Ivy sauntered over to where I sat, and crouched down until we were eye level. “We all know that I only have eyes for women, and even I can admit that you are smoking hot.”

“I concur,” Pete said.

“Seriously,” Kate exclaimed, “why hasn’t Will linked up with anyone yet?”

“Okay,” I tried to kill the tangent before it grew legs and ran away, “let’s not discuss my nonexistent love life–”

“Um, excuse me– it did, in fact, exist,” Hannah quipped back. “You just prioritized yourself over someone who treated you like shit.”

“Amen to that,” Ivy said, and everyone else laughed in agreement.

“So I’m gonna ask again: why hasn’t Buff Byers found himself a man yet?”

“Buff Byers,” Pete snorted, “that’s fucking brilliant.”

I put my face in my hands. “Jesus Christ.”

“Let’s be a little more realistic, because I’m pretty sure Jesus wasn’t into guys,” Hannah said, earning a sad laugh from me.

“Are you sure about that?” Ivy questioned her girlfriend, “Because his suspiciously close bond with twelve men shows us otherwise–”

“This is not the time to delve into biblical theology, baby.”

“He let Judas kiss his cheek! You cannot tell me he wasn’t at least a little bit gay.”

Okay, that was enough. “Guys, really,” I insisted, “I’m fine. I don’t need to date anyone right now.”

Pete quirked an eyebrow. “You don’t need to? Or you don’t want to?”

“Alright, everyone,” Kate called out to the rest of us, “so we’ve established that we’re going to this party as the Scooby Gang. But I have a plan in mind that’ll make this Halloween a night to remember.”

“Which is?” I asked warily. Kate couldn’t hide her devilish grin.

“Operation Get Will a Fine-Ass Man.”

I was sure that going to this off-campus Halloween party wasn’t the brightest idea I’d ever had. It wasn’t solely my idea, per se; we had decided upon our group costume weeks ago, and I was fully aware of the environment I was voluntarily entering, so I had plenty of time to back out if I wanted to. Even then, I didn’t back out, because I was obviously a new man; outgoing, social, and bold. I no longer allowed my crippling anxiety to interfere with my life. The latter statement would probably be a bit difficult to justify, though, considering the fact that I had soaked through my fluorescent, vomit-green tee shirt with sweat the second I’d walked through the door. It also didn’t help that my friends were still dead set on a singular mission for the evening: Operation Get Will a Fine-Ass Man. This was a bad idea. A really, really bad–

“Ooh, I spy with my little eye… Jose Cuervo! Come on!” Ivy exclaimed, the corners of her eyes crinkling with joy underneath her fake glasses as she grinned up at me. Oh God, here we go, I thought as I followed my friend over to the center island in the kitchen. Every square inch of counter space was occupied by some form of hard liquor. This was not my first rodeo; I’d gone to a handful of parties back in high school. I enjoyed the atmosphere, but I just wasn’t a party animal, for the lack of a better term.

“Alrighty, one for you… and two for me,” Ivy muttered as she poured her favorite vice, Jose Cuervo tequila, into three disposable red Solo-brand shot cups before handing one over to me, and I took the cup hesitantly. She then grabbed two lime wedges out of a bowl on the kitchen counter, and located a salt shaker a few seconds later. She turned to me, grabbed my free hand, rubbed the lime on it, shook some salt over the spot so it would stick, then did the same for herself. She held one of her shot cups up to mine, clinking them together as a toast.

“Fuck Mike Wheeler!” she shrieked, and I burst out laughing. While I calmed myself down, Ivy licked the salt off her hand, threw the shot back like it was water, chomped down onto the lime, and cringed at the taste. Once she’d opened her eyes and seen that I hadn’t done his shot with her, she pouted up at me.

“You’re supposed to actually do the shot, not just stand there,” she whined. I looked down at the shot, squinting at it before lifting it up, bringing it to my lips. Before I could properly throw the shot back on my own, Ivy tilted the bottom of the cup further upwards, and I felt the tequila rush down my throat much faster than anticipated. “That’s how you do a shot, Billiam,” she told me as I sputtered out a cough, followed by an indignant grunt. I wasn’t mad; I probably wouldn’t have done it without her involvement.

“For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been so incredibly selfless. You’d do anything to make people happy. But sometimes you do it at your own expense.” Not the time, Mike.

Ivy and I had stayed a few hours late in Miriam’s classroom to finish up our pieces, so we’d all agreed to just meet at the party. When I had set my brush down for the last time earlier that afternoon, I thought to myself, “Hey, I’ve finally achieved the closure I’ve always wanted, so I should feel better.” But I didn’t feel any different; if anything, I felt even worse than before. The Heart gave me closure, but I still felt like Mike was there. So when I arrived back at my dorm to change into my costume, I glanced at the bunched-up blue sweatshirt on my bed and made a decision: It was time to pack up the Mike Box again. I put everything (the dice, the frame, the sweatshirt, and the binder) back into a box and under my bed. Out of sight, out of mind. 

“Shaggy! Velma! You made it!” voices exclaimed from behind me. Hannah, Kate, and Pete approached us, dressed as Daphne, Scooby, and Fred, respectively. A smile quickly made its way across my face as I collided with my friends in a group hug. Once they all pulled back, the gossip was instantly afoot.

“So, any luck yet?” Ivy asked her girlfriend, who shook her head.

“Not yet, we just got here a little while ago.”

“I’ve seen a few potential candidates who I think he’d get along with–” Kate began, but Pete interrupted with an expression of pure confusion.

“Sorry, what’s going on?”

“Operation Get Will a Fine-Ass Man! Come on, Pete, get with the program!” Kate clapped her hands in the middle of the circle, and the rest of them laughed while I rolled my eyes. They were being absolutely ridiculous. I didn’t need to get any man, let alone a fine-ass one. I was perfectly fine with being alone. Totally content, and not at all depressed.

The song that had been playing faded out, and a familiar bouncy synth introduction to the next song vibrated up from the floor and sent shockwaves through my entire nervous system. Kate demanded immediately that the group should dance, and the rest of the Scooby Gang agreed, save for me. I didn’t do well on dance floors, because my claustrophobia often got the best of me. So I stood against the wall, watching as my friends disappeared into the crowd. The beat picked up, and I sighed deeply, crossing my arms over my chest. This was the radio cut. If Mike were there, he probably would have complained for hours afterwards.

“Will. I’m being serious! If you know about the existence of the 12” version of Smalltown Boy and still opt to listen to the radio cut, you’re committing a crime against both me and Bronski Beat. I said what I said. No further questions.”

I hated that I couldn’t tell Mike how, for once, I actually agreed with him. He wasn’t here with me, and it was all my fault.

I checked my watch– 8:26pm. We’d only been there for less than half an hour, and I already wanted to go home. There were enough people packed in the house for it to be considered a fire hazard, and my friends were nowhere to be found. So much for Operation Get Will a Fine-Ass Man. Besides, I was dressed as Shaggy from fucking Scooby Doo, there was no way any guy would want me while looking like a disheveled cartoon character. I decided to go outside to get some fresh air, and maybe smoke a cigarette… or five, but right when I began to move, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see Kate and Ivy, standing on either side of a guy with spiky black hair and chunky black liner under his eyes. The only defining elements of his vampire costume were the fake blood dripping from the corners of his painted red lips and the cape draped over his shoulders.

“Will, Matt. Matt, Will. Speak,” Ivy rushed out, pushing us together by our backs. I watched, stunned, as my friends pushed their way through the crowd, giggling the entire time. I then shifted my gaze to meet eyes with… the very hot guy who stood before me.

Matt.

-

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[peninkwrites]

The Showfall Aftershow!

THIS TRANSCRIPT AND ALL OF ITS CONTENTS ARE THE PROPERTY OF SHOWFALL MEDIA. THIS TRANSCRIPT IS IN REVISION AND CANNOT BE PUBLISHED UNTIL THE REVISED TEXT HAS BEEN REMOVED. ANY DISTRIBUTION OF THIS MATERIAL WITHOUT REVISION WILL BE CONSIDERED AN AUDITION TO JOIN THE CAST. THE TRANSCRIPT CAN ALSO BE ACCESSED ON THE ARCHIVE OF OUR OWN FOR CHAPTERED READING

THE HOST: Welcome back to the Showfall After Show!  As always, I have the honor of hosting on behalf of Showfall Media.   For those new to Showfall, this is where we get into the nitty gritty of the volume, where we talk about our favorite moments, the unexpected twists, and of course, recognize our top-tier talents!

[applause]

TH: [laughs] Glad to hear we’re all excited!  I will say, just like this was a very special volume, this is a very special After Show.  For the first time ever, Showfall aired to a live audience!  To celebrate that, we’re going try another first, interviewing the whole cast tonight! 

[applause]

TH: I can hardly wait!  And what a cast do we have tonight!  Kicking off this Premiere of Showfall’s first cast interview: you were endeared to him from the moment he talked about his pet fish, you laughed at his antics, and cried when he finally died, let’s welcome Ethan Nestor!

[applause]

ETHAN NESTOR:  Hello?  Where am I?  I thought I… I don’t understand.  Please, please, can you help me?

ETHAN NESTOR: Thank you!  Thank you all so much, it's really just such an honor to be here.

[applause]

TH:  And we’re happy to have you, Ethan!  Tell us, how did it feel, to be the first to speak on the carousel?  No pressure, right? [laughs]

EN: Why are you laughing?  I don’t understand.  I don’t know where I am, I… I didn’t want to be there, I wanted to go home.  But I

EN: [laughs] Right!  No pressure at all, huh?

TH: But I’ll say you handled it with grace!  We could tell you were a little nervous, do you mind telling us why that is?  Was it just first day jitters, or something more?

EN: I said I want to go home!  But I… I remember I went through that doorway and… oh fuck, I… I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t understand

EN: I mean, yeah, you could say first day jitters, for sure.  But at the same time, some of the nerves were totally from having to plead for my life, y’know?

TH: We’ve all been there!

EN: What the fuck are you talking about?!  I… I was scared out of my fucking mind, I don’t…

[audience laughter]

EN: This is just a fucking joke, huh?!  I… why can’t I move?  Why can’t I… I want to leave, but I can’t move, why can’t I move

EN: [laughs] I know, right?  But I think I did a good job pleading my case!  I… I know I got a little choked up there, which was a little embarrassing.

TH: No, no it’s not embarrassing at all!  I think we all were touched by your speech about your beloved fish, Turner.  Am I right, folks?

[audience ‘aw’s]

EN: Who the fuck is Turner?!

EN: I mean, I just love the little guy so much!  Aw, dang, I’m… I’m getting choked up now!

TH: That’s okay, Ethan!  Who could blame you?  Now, I have to ask, were you disappointed when the audience didn’t pick you?

EN: A little, sure, but I understand it was some tough competition.  We all wanted to make it out of there alive, you know?

TH: [laughs] So true!

EN: But it wasn’t fair, right?  It… it didn’t have to be like… what the fuck is happening?  I died

EN: I know it was a bit of a hiccup in the show, when the Puzzler shot Nihachu point blank–

TH: Twice!

[laughter]

EN: What about… what about the other guy?  What about Vinny?  He died too, he died, I died, wait.  Why isn’t anyone fucking listening to me?!  I died

EN: Right, [laughs] twice, but I mean, it ended up being an opportunity, huh?  In the long run, of course.

TH: True, but not a very long run, am I right?

[laughter]

TH:  Now, you made it pretty far, but that last puzzle you got… well, you were caught between a rock and a hard place, huh?  Well, not as much as Austin was!

[laughter]

EN: He didn’t make it?  None of them made it?  Did I make it?

EN: I sure was, but yeah, [laughs], not as much as Austin!

TH: So, Ethan, did you have any regrets in that last moment?

EN: I just don’t fucking understand, I don’t know why I can’t move, I think I’m dead, I think I’m supposed to be dead, but I

EN: No, Host, I don’t think I did, actually.  I was proud of what I did accomplish, you know, in the time I was given, I guess, actually…

TH: Oh?  Is there something?

EN: Yes!  Yes there’s fucking something!  I should be dead!  But no one can fucking hear me!

EN: I guess, I just wish I could’ve seen Turner one last time, just, looked into his little eyes…

EN: Fucking hell, this can’t be happening

TH: Do you think he was out there?  Cheering you on?

EN: I thought he was supposed to be a fish

EN: I know he was.  Up until the very end.

TH: Beautifully put, Ethan.  Thank you so much for coming out tonight.  Can we give him another round, folks?

[applause]

EN: Wait!  Wait, don’t!  Don’t take me away again!  Please, why can’t I just go?  Why didn’t I die?  Why can’t anyone hear me?!

EN: It was my pleasure!

[applause]

TH: What a fun start to the evening!  Unemployed or not, that lovable scamp sure touched our hearts, right folks?

[applause]

TH: We've got plenty more interviews to come!

TH:  Next in the line up, a hoarder full of tricks, you cheered when he succeeded, and laughed at his hilarious misfortune, give it up for the comic relief, Vinny Vinesauce!

VINNY VINESAUCE: How's it going tonight, everybody?

[laughter]

TH: Welcome!

VV: Did I make it?  I was… I made it across the room, is this what comes after?  Did I make it?

VV: It’s great to be here!

TH: So, Vinny, you served as a spur of the moment stand in for Nihachu, am I right?

VV:  She was dead.  A woman died, why are you acting like it didn’t matter

VV: Yeah, yeah I did!

TH: How did it feel, having to hop in last minute; challenging?  Exciting?  Did you feel ready?

VV: She was dead.  That scared me, I know it did, so why

VV: Well, I felt pretty lucky.  I was given an opportunity!  I mean, not gonna lie, I was a little thrown off when I came into the candy room and saw her corpse, but I got into the groove of things pretty quick!

TH: You definitely did!  I think we were all blown away with how you surprised us in the laser room.

VV: I made it across, it… it doesn’t make sense, but I did, right?  So, does that mean I get to live?  Is that what this is?  Hello?  Are you guys hearing me at all?

VV: It surprised me too!

[laughter]

TH: But you’d done it before, yes?  Isn’t that what you said?

VV: When?

VV: Yeah!  Of course, lots of times.

TH: So what surprised you, then?

VV: I mean, I gotta say I was a little surprised about the twist after that!

TH: Oh, skipping right to your ending, huh?  I know we all got a laugh after you got your head crushed by that anvil!  What were you thinking in those last moments?

VV:  I’m dead.  Oh my god, wait, I remember, I’m actually fucking dead, so how am I

VV: Mostly just, ‘oh no’.

[laughter]

TH: Of course!  Thanks for coming out, Vinny!  Don’t let an anvil hit you on the way out!

VV: [laughs] I’ll do my best!

TH: Let’s give it up for Vinny one last time, cheers to him getting through his hoarding problem and showing up!

[applause]

TH:  Now, moving on to the fan favorite, our female lead, the nicest girl around, Niki Nihachu!

NIKI NIHACHU: What’s… what’re you doing?  What are you saying?  Did you say female lead?  Because I was the only girl there?

NIKI NIHACHU: Hi, Host!  Hi!  How are you all doing?

TH: Oh, we’re doing just great, Niki!  How are you doing?  No tears yet today?

NN: No, no I’m not crying, I’m fucking pissed off, okay?  I did what I was told, I… I played nice and I got taken out of the game early.

NN: [giggles]  No, not yet!

TH: So, Niki, how did it feel when the audience picked you?

NN: I should have kept going and it’s not fucking fair.

NN: Oh, I was so relieved, Host.  I couldn’t believe it!

TH: Really?  But you’re so nice!  How could they not pick you?

NN: Are we not going to fucking talk about how I got cheated?!  I… I was shot!  I… wait, wait I was shot, so…

NN: I don’t know, there were so many cool, impressive people they could have picked, and I’m just, you know, a girl who wanted to live!

[audience ‘aw’s]

NN: I wanted to live!  I still want to live!  I’m here!  I’m in here, I don’t… I don’t know how, but I’m still alive!  Last time, I tried, I told you all I was still alive, he shot me and I was still fucking alive!

TH: And that’s all you need to be, Niki.

NN: I was still alive!  I could’ve lived, and he… he shot me again!  He shot me again, and you let him!  You all let him kill me!

NN: Thank you, I’m touched.

TH: Now, I don’t mean to press, but do you want to maybe talk about how you got a little… well, over emotional, at the start there?  We won’t blame you, a sweet girl like you, of course you’d cry when told you were going to be blown up!

NN: I… That was me.  No, it’s not… I remember doing that.  It wasn’t you all making me, I was breaking down because I didn’t want to die, and then you.. You made me stop.  How did you make me stop?!

NN: Oh, now I’m embarrassed!

TH: Aw, I bet some of the boys would’ve cried too if they were pushed a little further!

NN: [giggles] I guess I’m just sensitive!

NN: Why do I get ‘giggle’ when all the rest just laugh?  Why’d you turn me into this?!  Why did you… I don’t understand, I’m just… You made me weak.  All that could come through was the tears, I couldn’t fight.  How did you do that?

TH: Now, could we, real quick, talk about our little mishap at the end of your run?

NN: Oh, sure, but I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.  Accidents happen!  I’m sure the Puzzler didn’t mean anything by it when he pulled the trigger!

TH: Twice!

NN: [giggles] Yes, twice!  But still, I don’t want to make a fuss, it’s really alright!

TH: Aw, that’s so nice of you, Niki!

NN: I try!

TH: Now– Oh!  Are you feeling alright, Niki?

NN: Hm?  What?

TH: You’re crying.

NN: Oh! [giggle] I don’t know why I’m doing that!  It’s really fine!  It's no trouble, really.  I'm fine!

NN: I want to live… please, please someone help me, I want to live.  Please!  Please, someone fucking help me!  Please!  I didn’t want to die!  This isn’t fair!

TH: Well, thank you so much for coming out, Niki, and being your sweet self.

NN: I don’t want to die.  Please don’t make me go, please, it’s not fair!  I want to live!  Please.

NN: Thank you, Host!  I’m just so happy I could make everyone’s days just a little brighter.  I’m just so happy.

NN: Please.  I'm scared

NN: I'm just so happy.

TH: Wasn’t she lovely, folks?  Let’s give her another round of applause!

[applause]

TH: Let’s move on to an old favorite!  You all loved his apathy, his disdain, his witty quips, his bromance with his co-star, give it up for Sneegsnag!

SNEEGSNAG: Hey.  What's up?  Uh, crazy to be here tonight.  Just crazy.

TH: Are you sure you feel that way?  You sound pretty uninterested, Sneeg!

[laughter]

S:  I’m still here.  How the fuck am I still here?!

S: Ha, well, you know me.  I’m just kinda chill about it all, right?

TH: That you are!  Now, Sneeg, compared to some of your costars, we got to see more of you!  What was it like working on Episode 1?

S: Help!  One of you, fucking help me!  All of you!  Just stop sitting there doing nothing!

S: I mean, it was cool.  It was chill.  Being in a cage like, forever kinda sucked, but me and Frank made it work.  That was before the show technically started, though.

TH:  Right, Frank! Your zany co-star!  Word on the street is he was popular on set!

S: Frank, man!  Frank is the best.  He’s like, so funny and definitely has the best comebacks out of… out of anybody!

TH: You and Frank particularly were close, right?  Some might even call it a bromance?

S: I mean, yeah, you spend all of your living memory up until that point in a tiny cage with the guy, it forges a bond.  Without Frank, I probably would’ve tried to kill myself.  Like, just from the boredom part, not even counting that demon dude showing up sometimes.

TH: I mean, you wouldn’t be alone, that’s what Frank did!

[laughter]

S: There was a corpse in the room with me, all that time and I didn’t even know it.  I was in that cage for so fucking long, as long as… I dunno.  I don’t remember before that.  It was… it was a skeleton, but then… then I could see it, could see him, and the smell, fucking christ, the smell

S: [laughs] Yeah, I guess.  The middle part of the show wasn’t so bad.  It was kinda fun ragging on Ranboo.  He sorta sucked as a hero at the beginning.

TH: A hero’s journey is about growth, Sneeg!

S: Yeah.  Guess so.  Like, he couldn’t even stop me from getting ripped apart by that stupid shark thing.  I mean, he totally saw me screaming! Psh.

S: No, no I don’t want to remember that part, I don’t want to remember any of it, that fucking thing looking like a joke but the pain was real, the pain when it dragged me through the wall and started tearing

TH: True!  And not long before, the two of you went Mano a Mano!  Was that fun to film?

S: Huh?  Oh, yeah, I dunno.  Don’t remember that bit.  Got slimed.  Sorta shoved me out of my body for a little.

TH: Right, of course!  The slime!  Was the goop the worst part about that day on set, do you think?

S: It’s not slime!  Please, any of you, I fucking saw it!  It’s… it’s not fucking slime.

S: No, no if I’m not gonna say spending all of my living memory in a cage I’d probably say the bit where I stood still for eight hours.

TH: You weren’t entertained by the demons?

S: No.

TH: Oh.

S: I couldn’t move, man!  I literally could not move!  It wasn’t… it wasn’t eight hours.  It wasn’t, but it felt like it.  It hurt like it.  Fuck, how did they do that?!  My body just wouldn't do what I said, they took that control away from me, do none of you see that?!  Do you not see how fucked up it is?!

S: And after Ranboo woke back up, like, moving again after that much time was kinda like more torture. And more torture.

TH: Sneeg, you know how to complain like no one else!

S: I have a fucking right to!

S: Yeah and they continued to be totally incompetent.  Like, they so could’ve done something about the shark.

S: No, no shut up, I’m not saying that shit!  He was just some kid, I’m not… I’m not empty like that!  I care!  I fucking cared about him, you can’t just take that away!

TH: But they didn’t!  Do I sense some drama among the cast?

S:  He was just some fucking kid!  I said… I said I was gonna come back for him, but I didn’t even make it out.  Did anyone make it out?  Fuck, that thing tore me apart, I didn’t get out the fucking door, but I died, how the fuck did I die?!

S: What?  No, nah we’re chill.  He like, wiped the slime off me and picked me to come off the carousel.  He’s my boy.

TH: Should we talk about the carousel?  I think we should talk about the carousel.

S: I promised I was gonna come back and get them out

S: Uh.  Yeah.  I dunno.  Sure.

TH: You’ve got to admit, it was a little unprofessional, you leaving in the middle there.  Was there something more going on?

S: I saw it!  I saw him, I saw Charlie, disemboweled on the fucking table!  No one else could see the blood!  No one else saw the fucking rotting corpse chained up beside us!  Charlie was screaming!  He was fucking screaming because they tore him apart!  And no one did anything, no one was fucking moving!

S: No, nothing.  Shit happens, y’know?  I got back on, and got back to work.  I even survived for a long time, so.  That was pretty cool.  Sorta sucked when the Puzzler took my man Frank out of the game, but rules are rules.

TH: Rules are rules!  Are you feeling alright, Sneeg?  Not going to run out on us again, are you?  You’ve got that sort of hazy look again.

S: You don’t understand what I fucking saw!  You don’t know what’s really going on here!  There was so much blood!  Fuck… oh fucking hell, there was so much blood…

S: Nah, not planning on going anywhere.

TH: You know, I see you’re not wearing your hat today.

S: Uh, hat?

TH: Yeah! The hat that you acquired on the carousel.  It caused quite a buzz for the audience!  Would you like to tell us more about that?

S: Why was that it?!  It was a fucking hat!  It was covered in blood because it came from inside someone!  He was still alive, he was still screaming, how the fuck did they keep him alive like that, why did they keep him alive why are they keeping me alive

S: What, that I like to accessorize?  It was just kinda slimy because it came out of that dude on the hospital bed, but that’s about it.

TH: So, you can tell the folks at home there was nothing else to that hat?

S: Nope.

TH: Well, you heard it from the man himself!  The hat was just an accessory.  Thank you for showing up, Sneegsnag.

S: Not like I had a choice.

[laughter]

S: Stop it!  Stop fucking laughing!  You heard him, you heard me!  I said I don’t have a choice!  Does that not mean anything to you people?!  Hey!  Don’t fucking touch me!  I’m not walking away!  I’m not!  I’m not choosing to do this!  How do I stop?!  How do I fucking stop?!  I need this to stop!

TH: Wasn’t he just a riot?  What a guy!  But the night is only getting better!  On to the next interview, folks!

TH: The night is only getting better!  You know him as a smooth talker, witty and handsome to boot, please welcome our own Mr. Congeniality, Frank!

[uproarious applause]

FRANK:

[laughter]

TH: Good to see you!  Now, you’ve become a bit of an icon since the show.  How does all that attention feel?

F:

TH: Humble and handsome! Frank, you’re a delight!

F:

TH: I mean every word!  Now, Frank, you had a smaller role in the first episode, but you definitely made the most of it!  Were your jokes on the rocking horse improvised or scripted?

F:

TH: Interesting!  I think we were all sad that your charm stopped at the carousel.  Were you surprised that you weren’t picked?

F:

TH: I guess in that sense you were picked, huh?  That’s a nice way to look at it.

F:

[laughter]

TH: Speaking of, it looked like you and Sneeg were two peas in a pod for a while there!

F:

TH: Oh?  Really?

F:

[audience ‘aw’s]

TH: That’s so touching.  Really, a beautiful confession.  And… have you told him you feel this way?

F:

TH: Wow.  Well, I’m sure he feels the same way.

F:

TH: Sadly, Sneeg’s interview has already passed, so that’s all we have to go on, I’m afraid.  I guess you’ll never get to tell him how you feel, huh?  Ever!  Rotten luck.

F:

TH: I’d like to believe that too, Frank.

F:

TH: How profound!  Wow.  What a thought provoking note to end on.  I wish you could stay here all night, but sadly, we must move on.  One last round of applause for Frank!

[applause]

TH: Alright, folks, this shady character had us laughing from the moment he made up– I mean mentioned, his kids!  He’s gay, he’s a liar, and he is here for an interview!  Give it up for Austin of the AustinShow!

AUSTIN: Hey, what's this I hear about me making up my kids?

[laughter]

A:  No, no really, that wasn’t a joke.  I’m not lying.  I’m not!  I… I have them!  I have kids, and a wife.  A very real wife.

[laughter]

TH: Right, sure you do, Austin!  Let’s focus on the games for now, huh?  You showed up late to the party, right?  You and Ethan came through the tunnels all the way in the closet, but I’m guessing you’re not unfamiliar with closets, huh?

[laughter]

A: I– What?

A: This is just cheap.  And at least a little homophobic.  That’s it?  That’s the joke?  I’m gay and I’m lying about having a beard?  I died for this?  Really?  For this?  Wait, wait I died for… I died

TH: Don’t worry about it, Austin, let’s just talk about some of our favorite shenanigans of yours!  You and Ethan were really the bells of the ball, huh?  Some fierce competition between you two!

A: Yes, yes right, I mean, I was largely doing it to escape with my life, and return to my family–

TH: Sure you were!  How’d those heels fit, Austin?

A: I died,  you people killed me and all you could come up with is a man in a dress joke?  You’re pathetic.

A: Poorly, of course.  I… I could barely walk in them, but I don’t see how that’s relevant.

TH: Right, right.  Now, Austin, your ending.  It got pretty intense there, huh?

A: I spent my last hours running around like a panic, terrified idiot because of you people and I got crushed to death like it meant nothing.  You basically had me let myself die, didn’t you?

A: Oh, yes.  I fought my hardest.  Only one of us could go through, and I was so sure it had to be me.  I had people waiting on me, you know.

TH: That’s why you fought so hard, huh?  It seemed to me more like you were a bit of a chicken.  You’d been squeamish at the sight of blood through the whole show!

A: The others didn’t care!  Why didn’t they care?!  Ethan’s blood spilled out and they just stared at me like I was the crazy one!  I wasn’t crazy!  Even if they tried to make me be!

A: I prefer to think of myself as empathetic.  I saw people die, several, in fact.  Is that not supposed to leave a lasting impression?

TH: Now, considering your desperate drive to live, did you have any last wishes you didn’t get to fulfill before your untimely demise?

A: I just… I just wish I could tell my kids one last time how much their papa loves them.

TH:  Of course, I’m sure, of course.  And, what were their names again?

A: It’s– they’re– uh…

TH: I think I better let you off the hook, there, Austin, but thank you for showing up, even if you weren’t being entirely honest with us!

A: You won’t even let me say my last wishes!  You’ve killed me, and you’re puppeteering my corpse into being one last joke!  It’s sick!  You’re all sick!

A: But I was!  I was being honest!

TH: Of course, Austin.  Another round of applause for that very straight man, and the missus back home!

[laughter]

[applause]

TH: Alright, folks, our penultimate interviewee, a triple threat, the goopiest guy around, you loved him as the devil, you loved him as a patient, and you loved him live on twitch, just as he wanted to make– I mean give love to you, give it up for Charlie Slimecicle!

CHARLIE SLIMECICLE: Aha, that's me!  I'm the goopiest guy!  Wow!

TH: Now, Charlie, other than the hero, you played I’d say a very important role in the show!

CS: Multiple roles, actually!

[laughter]

TH: Can I ask which of the three was your favorite?

CS:  Hello?!  Hello?!  Somebody?!  Hello!  Where is he?!  Where’s Ranboo, what did you do to him?!  Ranboo!  Oh, oh god, how did I… I shouldn’t be… Ranboo!  Ranboo!

CS:  What the fuck did you do to him?!  Who are you people?!  I don’t know how I… how I got here, how I didn’t see it… oh god, please fucking tell me Ranboo made it out, please, please at least let me see him, so I know he’s okay, please, I’ll cooperate, I swear, I will

TH: Um, Charlie?  Too hard a question for you?

CS: What?  Oh, no, Host!  Sorry, just a lot of options to work through!

TH: I mean, there’s three?

[laughter]

CS: It’s a big decision!

CS:  No, no I’m not fucking doing this right now, I’m not.  I don’t care about your stupid games, I’m not going to believe in this, I’m not going to let you people make me believe in this ever again, but I’ll pretend, I will if you just tell me if Ranboo is okay, please just let him go

CS:  I think I’d have to say the hospital patient!

TH: Oh, what a fun choice!

CS: They disemboweled me!  They had that fucking kid disembowel me!  I was begging them to stop!  It should’ve killed me, it should’ve fucking killed me!  I wanted to die then but I didn’t!  And you people just had them keep tearing into me!  They fucking disemboweled me!

TH: Oops, looks like we’re getting some microphone feedback here!  Usually it only cuts out like this if there’s too much noise!  One second, folks!

CS:  Go ahead!  Smother me!  Kill me!  Drown me in my own fucking blood and call it slime!  I won’t stop screaming until you fucking put me down like a dog!  If that’s all we are to you people, then just shoot me like one!  Shoot me!

CS: Sorry, Host, what was the question?

TH: Favorite role!  You were talking about being the hospital patient?

CS: I’m not… I am not a person! [laughs]  I’m not!  You made me!  You made those memories of a cabin and a life and then you just took it all away!  So just tell me, I will do literally anything, I’ll stay in that miserable cabin alone, I’ll lie there while you rip me apart, I will sell myself on twitch, I don’t care, just please someone fucking tell me Ranboo got out okay!   Please!  Anyone?!  Any of you!  Please!

CS: I mean, it was so easy, right?  I just had to lie there and let Ranboo, y’know dig around! [laughs]

TH: And how did you fit all of that in your stomach, Charlie?

CS: What can I say!  I’m a hungry guy!

[laughter]

CS: Stop talking!  They gutted me and stuffed me with fucking garbage and I was still alive!  Is that it?!  I can't die?  Can any of us die?  Is that what this is?!  Oh, god, oh fuck, we can’t actually die [laughs] We can’t actually fucking die!

TH: Now, I know this isn’t about that role, but forgive me, I’m curious!  What was it like playing Ranboo’s sidekick?  We all loved that twist when they took off your headphones!

CS: Ha, what?

CS: That was… that was part of it?  That was part of the show?!  None of it was real?!  None of it was actually real?!  Where’s Ranboo?!  Where are all of them?!  Are we all still alive?!  Please, please I’m begging you, I’m begging you just stop hurting them, just leave Niki and… and Sneeg, and Ethan, and Ranboo,  Austin, Vinny, leave them alone, okay?  Or just… just please don’t do to them what you did to me.  Please, don’t make them play… play the hospital patient.  Just not that.  Just do it to me.  That’s all I ask.  Oh, fuck, what am I doing, none of you are listening!

TH: I mean, the action sequences, the chase scenes, it’s all so thrilling!  And the heartbreak of finding out it was all for nothing, it was all part of the show!  Or, sorry, I guess you weren’t there for that part!

CS:  Ha.  Yeah.  Of course.

CS:  They didn’t get out… it was all part of the show, it was all just nothing, they never had a chance, none of us had a fucking chance and even the stupid fucking part of me you programmed for this interview doesn’t know what to do anymore!  You broke it!  You beefed it!  You cannot just keep twisting people like this!  You can’t!

TH:  How about your death scene, huh?  Oh, I was about to cry when you were begging Ranboo to keep running, when the head of security finally took you over, I just got chills!

CS: I mean, what’s one more role, right, Host? [laugh]

TH: Are you feeling okay, Charlie?  You look a little green.

[laughter]

CS: I’m fine!  I’m doing great!  Probably just need some slime to recover from all that running!  I mean slime.  I mean slime.  I mean slime.  I mean slime–

CS: Time!  Say it!  Say fucking time!  Be a person for one freaking minute before we get cut open again!

TH: Well, okay then, Charlie, we’ll give you that slime! [laughs]

CS: (overlapping) I mean time.

TH: What was that?

CS: I meant time.  I meant to stay time.

TH: Did you now.

CS: Thank fucking god!  Ha!  You can’t bury me forever you fucked up assholes!

TH: Well, Charlie.  Clearly, you’re tired.  I think we should end the interview here and you can get some rest in the… capable hands of our Showfall staff, alright?

CS:  Sure thing, Host!

CS: Fucking do your worst!  What’re you gonna do, rip out my organs?!  Come at me, man!  I can’t control my body anymore, but you can’t fucking stop me from screaming at you until your stupid mics break!

TH:  Thank you for your slime, Charlie.

CS: Time.

TH: [laughs] No, no I definitely said slime!

CS: Whatever.

CS: Ha!  Whatever!

TH: Let’s move on to the last interview of the night!  I’m… I’m losing stamina!  Huh, folks?  Let’s… let’s try and keep the energy up, why don’t we?

[applause]

TH:  This is the moment you’ve all been waiting for!  Our hero!  Our Martyr!  Our favorite toy!  Put your hands together for the one, the only, Ranboo!

[applause]

Ranboo: What...?  Where... Where am– Wait, wait no.  No, this isn't fair, you said I could die!  Please!  Please, you said I could die!  it was supposed to end!  Please!

TH: Aw, it’s a bit early in the night for tears, Ranboo!  We haven’t even gotten to the interview questions yet!

R: Interview..?  I’m not… I’m not playing along anymore.  I don’t… I don’t care.  I don’t… I don’t want to do this, oh god, I don’t want to do this…

TH: Well, Ranboo, as your costar Sneeg said, you don’t have a choice!

[applause]

R: Stop it!  Just shut up!  Just let me die!  You voted for it!  You wanted it!  Kill me!

TH: Well, actually, you did die, Ranboo!  And then we brought you back!  Audience polls on the livestream voted to kill you, sure, but ratings say they really want you back.

R: Kill me!  Please, please just kill me!

TH: Now, Ranboo, how did it feel to play the hero on a Showfall production?  That’s a lot of pressure for a young star!

R: Kill me!  Just let me die!  Let me die!  Let me die! Let me die!

TH: Whoa, there, Ranboo, if you keep hitting your head back like that, you’ll hurt yourself, and we won’t be able to finish the interview!

R: Kill me!  Please!  Please, you lied!  You said you’d let me go!  You said you would!

TH: One moment, folks, I’m going to have some of our fantastic crew make sure Ranboo can complete the interview.  We wouldn’t want to let our wonderful viewers down, now, would we, Ranboo?

R: Stop it!  No, don’t– Don’t touch me!  Get off of me!  You said you’d kill me!  You said–

TH: Sorry, Ranboo, there’s no puzzles or rings of keys for you to go through on this one!

[laughter]

R: Let go of me!  Let me go!  Stop it, don’t touch me!  I don’t want– I don’t want you to–

TH: Much better!  You can still look at me, and the audience, but you won’t hit your head!  Let’s give it up for our great crew, give it up for the rats!  How they put up with these brooding young stars, I’ll never know!

[applause]

R: I swear to god, I will find a way to kill myself if you people don’t–

TH: And then Showfall will bring you back, Ranboo.  Please, we already got through the exposition in your finale, let’s focus on the interview questions.  So, how did it feel to play the hero in a Showfall production?

TH: Ranboo, the lights don’t go off, I won’t stop asking, and you don’t get to move an inch until the interview is over.  That’s how this works.  

R: I’m not… I’m not a hero.  Please, I’m not…

TH: [laughs] Oh?  Interesting take!  I love the genre subversion!  If you’re not a hero, then what are you, Ranboo?

R:  I don’t… I don’t know, how could I know?  You took it all, you took everything... How could I know?  I don’t…

TH: Humor me a little!  Playing along is part of the fun!  I’ll try again––this is actually a good question, Ranboo, you did a good job, might make a fine interviewer one day!––if you’re not a hero, then what are you?

TH: Take your time, not like we’ve got a live audience waiting!

[laughter]

TH: What are you, Ranboo?

R: I’m… tired.  I’m tired.

TH: Aw, look at that face, folks!  Doesn’t it just make your heart break?  We love a tragedy here, don’t we?  And you certainly have the talent to pull it off!

[audience ‘aw’s]

R: Why didn’t… why didn’t you just turn the mask back on?  Why’re you letting me be like this?

TH: Come on, Ranboo, the interviewer asks the questions!  Sorry if I made you think it was the other way around.

[laughter]

R: Ask me something, then.

TH: I’d be happy to!  Now, Ranboo, you clearly dabble in genre subversion, but I think the one twist we’re all dying to hear about:  The codes.  The codes, am I right folks?

[applause]

TH:  Why didn’t you listen to the audience’s pick?  You probably didn’t know this until now, but they actually told you the right one!  They had your best interests at heart!  It’s touching, really.

R:  I hurt people.  I let people get hurt.  I wasn’t in control, they were.  So, why didn’t they turn the mask back on?

TH: Aw, you’re trying this back and forth thing?  I ask one, you ask one?  Fine, fine!  Sounds fun.  Because, Ranboo.  We here at Showfall are all about authenticity. There’s nothing quite like being real with an audience.  We just wanted them to see your true self!  Now, Ranboo.  My turn! [laughs] Isn’t this fun?  Now, Ranboo.  Near the finale, after that dramatic chase through the mall, after you and Charlie found the cabin set––what a twist!  Am I right folks?––and then Security came out!  Oh, what a jumpscare! [laughs]  I’m getting ahead of myself, sorry, it’s just exciting!  My question for you, Ranboo, is why did you leave Charlie?

R: …What?

TH: Why did you leave Charlie?

R: I… I don’t…

TH: I mean, come on, you were, basically, mostly, in control of yourself, your mask was going haywire, that was actually your choice to make!  So, why did you leave him?

R: I couldn’t… I couldn’t save him, I couldn’t, I was too late, he told me to– to run, I couldn’t save him, I couldn’t–

TH: Really, Ranboo?  You didn’t even try.  You saw how the show came together by then, you don’t know if he was beyond saving, and as for telling you to run, [laughs] it’s not the first time Charlie’s speech came out, well, a little different.  How do you know, for certain, that Charlie wasn’t actually begging for his life, like he was on that operating table?

R: Why are you doing this?

TH: Now, Ranboo, you’ve got to answer my question first!  Then I answer yours!  This is your game, remember?

R: I don’t… I don’t know, I don’t know.

TH: Hm, bit of a cop out, but it’s late in the night, we’ll keep things rolling!  And in answer to your question, Ranboo, we here at Showfall are honored to provide authentic, life-altering, one of a kind entertainment.  What better reason is there than that?  Hang on, that’s not my question. [laughs]   Ranboo, in episode one you got to cook for demon Charlie!  If you could go back and pick another ingredient, knowing what you know about the shark monster that killed your friend Sneeg, what would you pick?

R: Knowing what I know now?

TH: Yes!

R: I’d have killed myself.

[laughter]

R: Maybe Charlie too.

[laughter]

R: And Sneeg, if it was the only way to get them free.

[laughter]

TH: Now, I don’t know what that has to do with cooking, but thanks for playing!

[laughter]

R: You lied to me.  And to them.  You people told me I could die, that I could rest, and you didn’t let me.  You didn’t let me.

TH: Well, actually Ranboo, we very much did!  You were dead as a doornail in that box, but like I said, we just couldn’t get enough of you!  So, yes, we did as we said, and we killed you, and now you get to go again!  Isn’t that fun?  Who knows!  Maybe they’ll vote differently next time, huh?

TH: Nothing to say?

TH: Maybe we should give him some encouragement, folks!

[applause]

R: [screams]

TH: Whoa!  Nothing like some electricity to wake you up!  Shall we talk about the votes?

R: [inaudible]

TH: What was that?

TH: Aw, I think our hero is getting a little tired!  And honestly, I am too! [laughs] but thank you so much for coming out, Ranboo.

R: One day I’m gonna kill all of you.

TH: And thank you for tuning in to this Showfall Aftershow!

[applause]

[copperbadge]

I really should start taking “before” photos, but oh well. 

[ID: A photograph of my entryway wall, covered in hooks from which hang a variety of backpacks and messenger bags, including one that looks like a California flag, one that looks like Captain America’s shield, one with the old Pan Am airlines logo on it, and one from the Museum of Contemporary Art that reads FEAR NO ART.]

This morning I “re-scrubbed” the bathtub, wiped down the furnace and water heater, cleaned off the counter and sink, then cleaned the toilet. I usually use an old sponge for the toilet so I can toss it when I’m done, but it was also my LAST sponge, so I’m going to have to take a little shopping trip at some point soon. 

There was other stuff I could have done in the bathroom, but I looked around and thought, how much do I care about how clean my bathroom is? and then I thought exactly this much and declared the bathroom finished. If I have empty days at the end of the month I’ll come back to it to deal with some plumbing stuff and maybe paint it, but I’m done with the bathroom for now.

Still, had a bit of time and energy left so I cleared some junk out of the mud nook in my foyer and organized the “bag wall”; I have a bad habit of acquiring more backpacks and messenger bags than I need, and they were all kind of bunched up on the hooks, so I removed some that I only use for special purposes (my cycling bag, for example) and redistributed the rest. 

The morning’s listening was “Birth Certificate Access” from Stuff You Should Know, the first 15 minutes of “Ambition” from Quartz Obsession (the interviewer was very repetitive and it’s stuff I already knew, so I skipped the rest), the first 15 minutes of “Pig Butchering” by The Journal (I hit the “in their own words” scammer victim’s segment and bounced), and the first 25 minutes of Across The Romaverse, but this week’s guest wanted to get really nitty-gritty about game play and also I feel was being a bit unfair to Tami Abraham. Was about 70 minutes of time all told, most of which annoyed me, but in that really satisfying way where you feel superior because you feel like you know better than the person talking. :D

Then I made breakfast and went back into the bedroom to find my darling daughters being adorable. 

Sometimes you just have to nap so that all four paws are touching your sister’s four paws at all times. 

[ID: A photograph of Dearborn the tortie and Polk the tabby lying on the yellow duvet; they are curled up facing each other, and three of Polk’s paws are resting on top of Dearborn’s back paws, while Dearborn’s front paws are covering one of Polk’s front legs and both of her back feet.]

[sam-glade]

My Editing Process 

Part 1/3 - Big Picture Stuff

This is what I do to a novel or a novella before showing it to anyone (including beta readers). I’m posting it in hopes that it will help someone, and I’m not expecting it to work for everyone. Take any parts that help you!

Two things up front:

‘Imperfect’ doesn’t mean ‘bad’. Good writing can have imperfections.

The goal is to get the manuscript to a stage where the imperfections won’t be distracting to beta readers.

Baseline

This is my process for novella- or novel-length projects (so around 40-100k words). I don’t write short stories, so I don’t know how applicable it will be. I’m currently editing Gifts of Fate, trying to shave off a couple of thousand words, and I’ll be pulling examples from it.

I’m a pantser and an overwriter who loves checklists. I know that my early drafts include scenes that explore the characters and the setting, but don’t contribute enough to earn their keep – this isn’t applicable to everyone. I also write in 3rd person multi-POV, hence references to switching POV.

In this project, I also aim for a crisp, direct style, with minimally flowery descriptions.

I start this process when my draft is in the following state:

After I’ve replaced all [[foreshadow this]] and similar comments, added all the skipped segments, etc.

After I let the manuscript rest for a couple of months

When the overall plot is highly unlikely to change. I.e. the sequence of events/plot beats is set in stone. I may consider reframing them or rewriting from someone else’s POV, but I won’t change the direction of the story.

Big-picture stuff first

I can’t stress this enough, do this before you get into the nitty gritty line edits. You don’t want to pore over a chapter for hours, only to realise it has to be cut – and all the effort you put into editing will be thrown away.

The goal of this pass is to bring out the best parts of the story, make the focus crystal clear, and make sure everything gels together.

I make a copy of the manuscript and make sure you have the old one stored away. I often refer back to it, to see if I like how a chapter has changed.

The outline

I write a bare-bones outline, no more than a phrase per 2k words – the shorter the better.

The way I do it is to put that as the title of each chapter – chapters for me tend to average just over 2k words. E.g. in GoF, the first few chapter titles are: ‘The Rupture’, ‘The Sword’, ‘The Cutthroat’, ‘The Sergeant’, [redacted], ‘The Windmill’, ‘The Threat’, ‘The Investigation’, ‘The Plan’. Not catchy, but pinpointing the focus of each.

It’s important that each point corresponds to a similarly sized chunk of text, so that I can spot when there are long sections where not much or too much happens – this will highlight issues with pacing.

If I’m not sure what to put in the title, it’s an indication that it might be one of those meandering, unfocused chapters. I gather a list of those, to pay more attention to them.

It also helps me identify the goal of each chapter. This is the part where I’d consider reframing or even rewriting a chapter from someone else’s POV, if the current structure shifts the focus away from what it’s supposed to be about.

Two examples:

In one chapter, I had a regular POV character (Ianim) check in on the protag’s family, and the protag’s sister (Marta) filled him in on how her magical powers had manifested a few days earlier. The intended goal of the chapter: tell the reader about the powers. What it ended up being: by framing it as a conversation between them, the focus was on their dynamic. Solution: rewrite the chapter from Marta’s POV and present the events that led to her powers manifesting as they happened, rather than retrospectively talking about them.

Later on, the protag (Lissan) is on the run and struggling to survive, while feeling that he should be saving the world, not just himself. He gets a stern talking to from an old man. The intended goal of the chapter: Lissan gets over his dilemma, and makes a decision to save himself, then make the world a better place. What it ended up being: the old man’s backstory stole the spotlight Solution: spend more time on the dilemma, especially before the storytime, and less on the backstory – I want to keep it, because it serves a subplot, but I can shorten it by a few sentences. 

Meandering Chapters

With that done, I read over the manuscript one more time, focusing especially on the chapters identified as meandering, and skipping the ones with clear plot beats. I know events like the big fights, first meetings, etc. definitely won’t be cut.

In my case, a lot of these are consecutive chapters composed of 2-3 vignettes, which come up when characters spend a period of time in one place, e.g. taking time to train or make preparations. They’ll be composed of scenes with low-stake actions, some exposition, and some exploration of characters and their dynamics. I want this project to be a fairly fast-paced fantasy adventure, but these slice-of-life scenes slowed down pacing too much. They are usually identified as meandering, since each scene/vignette has its own goal, but they aren’t strung together.

I Marie Kondo the hell out of them. I list what’s the purpose of each scene, and what I lose if I cut them out – this can be a mental exercise. Will cutting each one in turn leave the reader confused? Sometimes, all the reader is losing is an additional bit of characterisation. This is how I discovered I had two chapters showing the same two characters spar, each from one of their POVs, and the only purpose the first one fulfilled was to show that one of the characters didn’t like cold weather. Yep, that got cut.

Then, anything that's set up but doesn't have a pay off UNLESS it's a deliberate red herring. The length of the set up should be proportional to how crucial to the main plot is the pay off.

E.g. I had two conversations where in the first one the protag was told that demons react to the colour red, and in the next one he found a red ribbon to put on his Sword. And that was the last mention of it. The first mention stayed as flavour, the second conversation got cut.

And I know I need the red ribbon there in the second book of the trilogy, but it really can appear closer to when it's needed – i.e. in the second book. In general, I'm weeding out set up for later instalments which are easy to forget.

Repetitive Chapter Structure

I group chapters by structure, especially paying attention to the cases when:

Characters sit around discussing a plan, with the dialogue being a civil discussion all the way through. I know I have a tendency to do exposition through pages of dialogue. I don't want to have more than 2-3 of these across 50 chapters, and I want them spaced out.

A character fills others in on events they don’t know about. This can be either 'you weren't around when this happened to me' or 'this is a legend you (and especially the reader) needs to know, to understand the rest of the story'. I want to make sure there’s at most 1 of these in my novel.

How many of each you want in your manuscript, depends on its length and genre – I’m going for a fantasy adventure with a fair bit of action, so I cut down on the dialogue-heavy or research chapters, in favour of action scenes.

If in either of these categories I have more than what I want, I try to change the setting, or sprinkle in some action – for example, talking while doing shopping or renovating a house. Sometimes, a large chunk of the conversation can be skipped with a 3-5 sentence summary paragraph – and yes, in cases like this exposition might be the lesser of two evils. I also make sure the similar chapters are spaced out, with a change of pacing or setting between them.

This is where I stop tinkering with the story on my own – if I go on further, I don’t have the confidence that my changes are making it any better.

Part 2: Ctrl+F'ing the manuscript

Requested tag: @galactic-mystics-writes

[btsqualityy]

Y.O.U (Years of Us), Chapter 3: Maybe what she thought they had shared wasn’t real.

Jimin x half black/half Korean OC

Genre/Rating: 21+, established relationship, idol!AU, smut, angst, and fluff

Summary: Kamaria does an in depth interview and reflects on how she found out about Jimin’s sudden marriage.

Warnings: Brief mentions of addiction and mental health issues.

WC: 3.4K

Song Of The Chapter: SZA- I Hate U

“Does this dress make me look like a whore?” Kamaria wondered as she stood in front of the full length mirror that was placed in her dressing room, holding her hands out at her sides as she turned back and forth in a gold colored dress.

“Yes but if it makes you feel better, you look like an expensive whore,” Nari smiled but Kamaria just groaned loudly before storming back into the bathroom where a rack of clothing options had been set aside for her by her stylist, Baram. “You know, I really think you need to calm down. Relax.”

“You know how Korean media can be,” Kamaria shouted from the opposite side of the bathroom door as she peeled the dress off of her body. “They talk enough shit about me as is. I don’t need any bullshit.”

“It’s not as if it would be your fault if you did get any.”

“Yeah but they’d spin it to make it look like it was my fault,” she huffed. “Blue pantsuit or cream sleeveless dress?”

“Go with the cream,” Nari advised. “It’ll look great with your skin tone.” Kamaria grabbed the dress and slipped it on, emerging from the bathroom a few minutes later to a round of applause from her best friend. “Gorgeous.”

“Thanks,” Kamaria smiled as she walked over to the vanity, picking out a few gold rings to slip onto her fingers. “How much time do we have?”

“5 minutes, Minali-ssi,” a sudden knock on the door sounded. 

“Ok!” Nari replied. “5 minutes.”

“Thanks,” Kamaria laughed and after taking one last glance in the mirror, the two of them walked out of the dressing room and down the hall to the set. Since it was Kamaria’s first interview in almost two years, no expense had been spared and Kamaria could tell as much when she saw the set. 

There were two large, cushy chairs right next to each other while the background of the set was designed to look like a comfortable living room setting. If it weren’t for the amount of cameras and lights surrounding it, it could almost pass for the real thing. 

“Hello,” Kamaria greeted the members of the crew in Korean, bowing towards them respectfully. As she did so, the woman that would be interviewing her, Park Ji-yoon, approached her. 

“Minali-ssi!” She exclaimed, grasping onto Kamaria’s hands and squeezing them tightly. “It’s been too long!”

“It has,” Kamaria smiled brightly. “How are you? How’s Dong Seok-ssi and the kids?”

“They’re great, all healthy,” Ji-yoon replied. “Are you ready for this?”

“I am but I’m a little nervous.”

“Ah, no need to be!” Ji-yoon assured her. “Fair warning though, I do have to ask the tough questions because that’s what my superiors want but if something truly makes you uncomfortable, you tell me and I’ll figure out an excuse to make sure that it gets cut out in post production.”

“I should be fine,” Kamaria said. “I have nothing to hide anyways so I’ll just be honest. Probably a little too honest.”

“Just like your mother,” Ji-yoon chuckled. “Well, let’s go on set and get comfortable.”

“Ok,” Kamaria agreed, allowing Ji-yoon to lead her up onto the stage before they both took their seats. After the crew made sure that everything was correct and the make up crew had done their last minute touch ups, the director commenced the count down before filming commenced. 

“Good evening,” Ji-yoon smiled at the camera. “Tonight, I am having a one on one interview with the multi-talented powerhouse idol, Choi Minali! Minali, it’s a pleasure to have you.” 

“It’s a pleasure to be here,” Kamaria smiled, bowing from the waist up before crossing one of her legs over the other. “Thank you for having me.”

“Now, before we get into the nitty gritty, let’s talk about your name,” Ji-yoon began. “You release music under a mononym, Kamaria which is also your given English name but you tend to introduce yourself in Korean as Minali. Would you like to talk about that?”

“As I’m sure most people are aware, my father is American and my mother was Korean so I, as well as my older sister, have both a Korean name and an English name. When I’m here in Seoul, it’s just easier for me to use Minali and that’s the name that my Korean side of the family uses anyways,” Kamaria explained. “As for Kamaria, I use that professionally because I felt it was a way for me to keep in touch with my roots on my Black side.”

“You also lived in the States for a period of time as well too, right?”

“Yeah, for about 10 years,” Kamaria confirmed. “I would come back and visit my mom’s side of the family every summer though.”

“So you’ve really had the best of both worlds and cultures.”

“That’s how I like to think of it,” she nodded with a smile. 

“Well, let’s get into the main reason for your visit today,” Ji-yoon continued on. “You are the lead female star in the upcoming film ‘Taming’, set to premiere in two weeks’ time. Do you want to tell us about it?”

“I’m staring opposite Park Bo-gum and the film is about two individuals in the entertainment industry who want to be together but keep getting conflict from their jobs,” Kamaria expounded. “It’s a love story but I also think it’s a coming of age film as well, since it explores themes such as finding your identity and coming to terms with what one really wants in life.”

“Which is something that I’m sure every twenty something young adult can relate to,” Ji-yoon said. 

“Absolutely,” Kamaria agreed. “I’ll be 29 this year and I still often feel like I’m just trying to figure it all out.”

“I imagine the professional side of your life doesn’t leave much to be desired though,” Ji-yoon smiled. “I mean, you have four highly successful albums, the latest of which is Grammy nominated. All four albums topped the music charts here in South Korea as well as around the world, you have five daesangs, you’re MAMA’s Best Female Artist for the last four years running. I mean, need I say more? You are fantastic.”

“I appreciate it but I can’t take all the credit,” Kamaria rebutted. “It was a gift that I was given and all I’ve ever wanted to do was put it back out into the world.”

“You know, you sound like your mother when you say that,” Ji-yoon mentioned. “When i interviewed Choi Sora, many years ago, she said something very similar. Is that where you got this mindset from?”

“I would think so, yes.”

“This year will mark the 20th year since her tragic passing,” she continued. “What are some of your favorite memories of her?”

“Definitely when she would sing me to seep,” Kamaria smiled at the thought. “She had this thing where she’d make up songs on the spot and the lyrics would be the most ridiculous things ever. I’d crack up laughing which would then make her crack up laughing and we’d end up just giggling together. Then she’d brush my curls out of my face and say ‘sleep well, my little love’. Yeah.”

“I haven’t lost a parent but I can imagine that it’s a pain that never goes away,” Ji-yoon murmured, grabbing a box of tissues from next to her and extending it to Kamaria, who smiled thankfully and grabbed a few sheets before gently pressing them to the inner corners of her eyes. 

“It doesn’t, especially since I was only 8 when she passed,” she added. “It never quite hits me until I talk about her though.”

“How do you think your legacy intermingles with hers?”

“Aside from me obviously being her daughter, I like to think that I’m doing all of the things that she didn’t get the chance to,” Kamaria answered. “She was only 33 when she passed so there’s a lot that I know she wanted to do that she didn’t have time to. However, in the 15 year career that she did get to have, her creativity knew no bounds and she was never afraid to take risks. That’s something that I hope to emulate in my own career, as well as being an artist that people can relate to. You know?”

“Perfectly explained,” Ji-yoon approved with a grin. “Last thing on your mother, the fifth annual benefit concert for the Choi Sora Foundation for Mental Health and Addiction is coming up. Would you like to talk about that?”

“Yes,” Kamaria smiled. “The Choi Sora Foundation was founded by my father, Quincy Jacobs, my sister Choi Shin-hye, and myself in tribute to my mother. She suffered from not only addiction but mental health problems as well and what my family and I found was that often times, the two of those go hand in hand. Therefore, the mission of the Foundation is to provide counseling for people struggling with addiction and/or mental health issues as well as counseling for their families, rehab services free of charge, and any other resources that may be needed in order to support people in their sobriety journeys thereafter.”

“Very selfless of you all, to use your pain to help others.”

“Well, my family and I feel very strongly that if mental health were more thoroughly understood and taken seriously, then there’s a good chance my mother would still be here today,” Kamaria revealed. “So if we can prevent that happening from another family, we’ll try.” 

“And the concert?”

“The concert is how we raise the funds for the foundation,” Kamaria elaborated. “Every year, idols and other members of the entertainment industry come out, free of charge, and lend their star power to our cause. Even though it’s still a few months away from now, I’m very excited about our lineup of performers so far which includes BoA, who’s also my god mother and my mother’s best friend, Taeyeon, Key, Taemin, RM, Suga, Jungkook, PSY, and many others.”

“That sounds absolutely amazing and I send you all of my best wishes for it to be successful,” Ji-yoon smiled. “Moving on, I’d like to ask about your personal life now, if that’s ok.”

“Go ahead.”

“Ae you currently dating anyone?” 

“I am not,” Kamaria revealed. “The only relationship I’m in right now is with my career.”

“Would you like to be, at some point?” Ji-yoon wondered. “And maybe start a family?”

“I would and I’d love to have kids eventually,” Kamaria confirmed. “I’m not rushing anything, though.”

“I'm asking this because going back to when you discussed the upcoming lineup for the benefit concert, I noticed that one name in particular was left out,” Ji-yoon pointed out. “Park Jimin.”

“Oh shit,” Kamaria thought to herself.

“For a long time, there were rumors abounding that the two of you were in a committed relationship. However, the two of you have not been seen together in public in six months,” Ji-yoon finished. 

“Well, Jimin and I are just friends,” Kamaria stated firmly. “We’ve never been in a relationship. As for not being seen together, we’re both very lucky in the sense that all of our endeavors have been successful so I’ve been busy working on the film and he’s working on his latest album. We’re still close though.”

“Does your distance have anything to do with Kim Hye-ja?” Ji-yoon questioned directly. 

“Of course not.” Yes.

“Around the time that reports of Jimin and Hye-ja’s surprise marriage broke, there were simultaneous reports of you sobbing and being uncontrollably upset upon hearing the news,” Ji-yoon brought up. 

What the actual fuck?

.............................................................

3 Months Ago

Kamaria was on set of ‘Taming’, sitting on the couch in her trailer as she went over her lines for one of her final scenes. As she did so, a short knock sounded on the door before it was pulled open and Nari stepped inside. 

“Hey,” Kamaria smiled at the sight of her best friend. “Are they almost ready on set?”

“Uh, no, not yet,” Nari replied as she stepped over to the small couch before sitting down next to Kamaria. 

“You know we’re filming the scene where Doyoung leaves Chaewon as the final one?” Kamaria wondered. “I see why they saved it for last though, since it’s the breakup after everything they’ve been through.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Hopefully, I’ll be able to cry and I won’t have to use the fake tears,” she giggled but when Nari didn’t respond, Kamaria looked up and raised her brow at her. “What’s wrong?”

“I, I have to tell you something,” Nari said. “And I want to tell you because I don’t want you to find out how everyone else is finding out.”

“It’s not my Daddy, is it?” Kamaria gasped. “Or my sister?”

“No no, Quincy and Shin-hye are fine,” Nari assured her. “It’s Jimin.”

“Is he hurt?” Kamaria and Jimin had only been broken up for two months and she would’ve felt so guilty if something had happened to him when they weren’t on good terms. 

“He’s fine,” Nari replied, taking a deep breath and then releasing it before continuing on. “He got married yesterday.”

“Be serious, Nari,” Kamaria laughed loudly. 

“That’s the fucked up thing, I am being serious,” Nari insisted and after taking a few seconds to look at her best friend, Kamaria realized that she was telling the truth. Jumping up from her seat, Kamaria rushed over to the vanity table that was against the wall and grabbed her phone, quickly unlocking it and going straight to the Twitter app. As she refreshed her feed, her mouth dropped open in horror as she saw the photos of Jimin and Kim Hye-ja standing together, hand in hand, on the steps of a private plane. It wasn’t until she saw a zoomed in photo of their hands that she noticed the large diamond ring on Hye-ja’s finger and the golden band on Jimin’s finger, and tears began to roll down her face. 

“What the fuck?” Kamaria spat, becoming so upset the longer that she looked at her phone that she suddenly threw it onto the ground as hard as she could, causing it to break into several pieces. The destruction didn’t stop there, Kamaria reaching out and clearing everything off of the top of the vanity table. 

“Kamaria, no!” Nari shouted as she rushed over to her, grabbing her arms and stopping her from knocking anything else over. 

“How could he?!” Kamaria screamed, fat trails of tears rushing down her face. “How could he do this to me?!”

“I know, I know,” Nari whispered and her heart broke as Kamaria slid out of her arms and down onto the ground, covering her face as she sobbed loudly. 

.............................................................

“I wasn’t sobbing or uncontrollably upset,” Kamaria clarified. “However, I was annoyed because Jimin and I have been friends for a long time and I would’ve loved to share that moment of happiness with him, which I’ve told him.”

“That’s completely understandable,” Ji-yoon said. “Have you met Hye-ja-ssi yet?”

“I haven’t had the opportunity because of our busy schedules but I’m hoping to soon,” Kamaria lied easily. 

“Can we expect any more collaborations from you and Jimin?”

“Right now, I think we’re both focused on finishing our respective albums but hey, never say never,” Kamaria chuckled. 

“Speaking of that, when can we expect your next album?” Ji-yoon wondered. “I’m sure your fans, mini’s they’re called, are looking forward to it.”

“I’m planning to get back into the studio next week actually and hopefully, it’ll be out within the next few months,” Kamaria announced. “I’m so looking forward to it because I’ve missed being on stage so much.”

“And I’m sure it’s missed you as well,” Ji-yoon replied. “Well, thank you so much for coming to talk to me today.”

“Thank you for having me,” Kamaria smiled before bowing lightly in respect.

.............................................................

Four days later, the interview went live. The public seemed to respond extremely well to it, at least from what Nari said, and the buzz around the premiere of ‘Taming’ was insane. However, Kamaria couldn’t stop thinking back to how she had found out about Jimin getting married. Initially, she was sad, hurt, and in pain. 

Now, she was pissed the fuck off.

She just couldn’t understand how someone that had loved her so much, who she had loved so much, would just act as though none of that even mattered. Jimin running off and getting married only two months after they broke up made her feel as though the three years they spent together hadn’t meant anything to him. 

And if she was honest with herself, that’s the part that hurt the most because it meant that maybe what she thought they had shared wasn’t real. 

“And if you wonder if I hate you, I do,” Kamaria sung as she sat at the piano in her penthouse. “Shitty of you to make me feel just like this, what I would do to make you feel just like this.” Grabbing the pen and notepad that had been sitting on top of the piano, she quickly scribbled some lyrics down onto the sheet before setting it down again. Just as she went to press down on the keys, the chime at her door sounded, signifying that someone was there. 

Getting up, Kamaria walked over to her front door and cut on the camera, her eyes widening when she realized who it was. Pressing the button to turn on the intercom, she began to speak.

“Jimin, why are you here?”

“Can you let me in?” Jimin questioned in lieu of answering her question. 

“How the fuck did you get my code to even get up here?”

“It’s your debut date plus the date your parents got married,” he chuckled. “It wasn’t hard, especially since I know you.” Rolling her eyes, Kamaria unlocked the door and opened it, allowing Jimin to step inside quickly before she shut the door behind him. 

“What’s up with the dumbass hat?” She asked. 

“Didn’t want anyone to see me,” he explained as he pulled the fedora from his head and pulled the mask on his face down.

“Why are you even here?”

“I saw the interview,” Jimin said. “You were crying when you found out?”

“I clearly said in the interview that I wasn’t,” she huffed. 

“You also said that you were looking forward to meeting Hye-ja and we all know that’s a lie.”

“Well, are you surprised?” Kamaria snapped. “The man who I had been in a relationship with only two months prior had suddenly gotten married to another woman and without telling me.”

“You left me, not the other way around,” he pointed out. “I didn’t think you’d be so upset.”

“That’s the thing: you don’t think about much that doesn’t have anything to do with you,” she told him. “Just like you asking me to be your fucking surrogate, you can’t seriously tell me that you took even a millisecond to consider how I’d feel about that.”

“I did, actually,” Jimin rebutted. “I thought about how us having a family together was something that we always talked about anyways. About how when I think about who I truly wanted to be the mother of my children, your face is the one that popped into my mind. About how when I think about who’s the love of my life, it’s you. It’s always been you.”

“It’s not me. You made that perfectly clear when you married Hye-ja,” Kamaria stated. “So you need to go home to her, to your wife because I don’t feel like talking to you anymore or even seeing your fucking face.”

“Stop throwing her in my face. I made the choice that I thought I was left with.”

“But it’s true!” Kamaria exclaimed. “You’re married to another woman that’s not....that’s not me.”

“Bubs,” Jimin whispered, his heart breaking when he saw tears beginning to fall from her eyes. When he stepped towards her, she stepped backwards and that made him freeze. “Bubs.”

“I want you to leave,” she muttered. “Now.” Jimin moved like he wanted to reach out and touch her again but Kamaria turned around and walked away from him then, pacing back over to the piano and taking a seat. Being able to recognize the seriousness in her voice, Jimin placed his hat and mask back onto his face before letting himself out of the penthouse. 

“Heavy on the missing you, wish it was different than what it was,” Kamaria sung, pouring all of her emotions into the only thing that had always been there for her without fail: her music. 

.............................................................

Tag List: @dunixxd @namaslaylife @shabbamadapot​

[fumifooms]

Autistic reading of Hirofumi + general observations

The time has come. I’m talking about cryptid boy. I adore him, and to me he reads as autistic highkey. Earlier today this post happened and it just made me want to get into the nitty gritty of him: https://fumifooms.tumblr.com/post/704906702244429824/his-whole-job-is-keeping-chainsaw-man-alive-and What’s funny too is, because well, we have Asa right there, Yuko too, and arguably others like Denji or Power which, yeah, y’all got a place on the spectrum- But when it comes to Hirofumi people jump a lot to more supernatural explanations for his vibes being “off”. When, like… The fact that you can’t read him isn’t necessarily because he’s some conspiracy. Not to say that he’s not suspicious, he is, but it’s funny to me that people don’t consider that mostly he may just be… Socially inept. Irl people like him exist, I assure you. Autism makes the dream work, amirite.

Tldr: He’s my kind of autism (aka he’s me irl. His behavior was my way of adapting to a neurotypical world, too! I try to keep projection out of this analysis, tho). Developed a mastery of social behavior to seem friendly and casual until his social acting became too much instead of too little (the latter being the one usually associated with autism) and something feels off about him now because he does a front of being neurotypical when he’s autistic as shit. Like a cryptid trying to wear a human suit-disguise and just ends up feeling uncanny, y’know. He’s always cold and calculated on the inside, but attempts to have a warm exterior to put people at ease so he can do his job better and blend in with everyone else without bumps in the road.  I’ll spend this analysis mostly pointing out things about him rather than arguing that they’re inherently autistic traits, since we know little about him the argument is first of all about pining down his character rather than arguing about the nature of the traits, tbh. Still, for anyone familiar with autistic traits a lot of these are super self-explanatory, and I won’t explain all the links.

This is long and has tons of pictures, so I’m putting it under a cut!

Pt 1: social outcast? Two worlds

He appears cool guy to most, sure, but no one really ever… Bothers to interact with him? He’s always there TM, but people don’t talk to him, and he usually keeps his input to conversations to minimum (when they aren’t one-on-one). He doesn’t approach anyone, no one approaches him. It’s a mutual “I don’t really care” between him and the rest of the world. Though, he does get singled out and otherized for being successful in devil hunting at his age, when it’s brought up, and so both by fellow devil hunters and classmates. (Most visible in how the school devil hunting club greets him, but also in part 1 Kishibe forgetting a devil hunter could possibly be a highschooler, etc). From what we see it’s implied he has 0 friends.

I do think remembering that he’s a highschooler for this is important, because Yoshida is essentially between two worlds. Professional devil hunting, which makes him have to be cool-headed and works with professional adults, facing death all the time and quickly develop working chemistry with new colleagues, and highschool, where you have to be normal enough and perform socially, esp since we know bullying is a rampant problem his school has. I do think, as an autistic, that would party explain his behavior; switching behaviors and personas for one or the other would be bothersome and erratic, so he mashes both sides of what he has to be into one personality that can work for both worlds, and keeps the same demeanor for every situation he’s in. Casual and friendly enough for school, always cool-headed and ready to face life-or-death situations for devil hunting. The result is this fucking guy. Feels misplaced in every situation he’s in as a reader, imo at least. I do think he realizes that he can be off-putting, but what he does with that information is kinda unclear. I feel like he feels that he’s above others, in many situations. That or very nihilist. 

Pt 2: His smile, interactions

His smile is 90% of why I saw him as autistic. It’s such an autistic smile. He sucks at it. It doesn’t reach his eyes, it’s clear that it’s always plastered on and it’s empty. He ends up just looking like a sneaky bastard half the time. And like- Remember that time he wanted to see if the hitman in the alley was an hitman or a civilian? It doesn’t seem like he was going for intimidation at all, because in that same interaction he just goes “hm well he’s scared shitless, it can’t be my target.” Plus he doesn’t comment on the civilian clearly being in range to realize he just killed someone, so that part wasn’t intentional, either. His fucking smile when he looked at him?? Guys, he was trying to approach the guy to casually ask him what he’s doing. That fucking smile, was him being casual to ask a rando something. Also there’s something very autistic and funny in “hey yo you good? You’re not a hitman per chance are you?” “Urgh I don’t feel so good” “ok fair, good argument, bye”

I think that interaction perfectly represents what I was saying about him being stuck between two worlds, though. He has to be threatening and cold enough so that if the guy is the assassin he’s giving enough pressure so that he may slip up, but friendly and normal enough so that if he’s a civilian he didn’t just freak him out, and that balance is very important so that he can get the correct information and assessment. But like, he accomplishes all of that through subliminal messaging lol, through vibes, body language etc however you want to say it. And that duality messes his game up, and he’s quick to make assumptions and be confident that they’re the right ones. The latter point is not only supported by the pages below but also through the way he talked with Kishibe about Makima. He’s very intuitive, and rather impulsive once he thinks he has something figured out. It does backfire on him somewhat regularly. Counting the “I am taking away your cutlery so you can’t eat cake until you listen to me” strategy he tried on Denji lol. More on that later.

He also sucks at conversations. Like, he really does. I haven’t seen him holding a good conversation ever highkey. Which, he doesn’t try much, either, as previously mentioned when he’s not one-on-one he talks extremely little. It was easy to forget about his presence when he was on the rooftop with Denji and Asa arguing, or in the aquarium tbh, or in part 1′s gang. He’s easy to lose in a crowd. It was a whole joke when part 2 started; “Be honest guys who here remembered Yoshida existed?”. People in-world look at him and see nothing notable about him, then promptly forget about him when he autistically sticks to being quiet in a corner, while still doing his job efficiently well. He’s good at seeming well-adjusted and normal on the surface, but keeps people at bay just by being a hard to approach milktoast guy. He blends in with the background. He’s great for spy shit, bad for the rest. He seems like he’d be good for interrogations at first, but beyond being observant he’d be absolute shit at it, like his interactions with the assassin guy and Denji prove. He’s honestly not great at reading people. He can puzzle out characteristics or skills they have, but on the more emotional or social workings he has to be walked through things slowly, or just make wild guesses and risky plays.

Moving on, his infamous lame-ass excuses for always being at the same place as Denji all the time? Yeah. I don’t know how much he tries for them to be believable but we all know they fall really flat. Also the way he laughs when he doesn’t know how to react is hilarious. Hirofumi is such an awkward person

General demeanor, tone deafness

It feels like he’s kinda bored all of the time imo, but of course that’s just an assumption based on his demeanor. The classic thing about being autistic is precisely that no one has a clue what’s happening inside, emotions or whatever. He’s so deadpan about everything ever. 

I think the reason he keeps his bangs that way is a sensory thing tbh. Or, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was actively trying to hide his face, his eyes that he can never get to emote right. Maybe he doesn’t like being looked at, or noticed. Maybe it ties in with his devil contract, ink clouds are for hiding + to blind, after all. Ooh maybe something about that is his contract cost- That’d be epic.

His smile is a constant rather than a way to communicate something. Masking. It’s always just plastered on along with his shallow pleasant countenance, it feels almost like a survival tactic, or his state of being. He’s almost beastly sometimes, in part 1 mostly. Like idk how to explain it but the autistic experience of “Masking & emoting for social interactions is my token of survival even if I feel like an animal backed into a corner” is raw and real & f yeah. This bit may seem out of left-field, but yeah if Hirofumi has some internal turmoil I feel like that sort of shit is how he’d go

He has this almost obsession with being casual & appearing friendly, despite how misplaced it can be for the situation. Which does tie in with the smile thing. But yeah just in this pleasant demeanor we’ve discussed, he really does stand out with just how friendly and casual he always is

He’s so tonedeaf. The page below is just after it’s revealed to them that some assassins are after the guy he’s protecting (Denji) and that they can shapeshift. He’s smiling even as he’s saying that they’re in deep, deep shit. This page doesn’t show it well on its own, but he’s the first to recover his composure, esp with Denji half-dead. Beyond Power being Power, everyone is like 😨 Yoshida stands out with his reaction, which goes straight to the point and assess their situation logically all while smiling, but more on that later.

He’s constantly saying grave stuff while being pretty lighthearted. His nonchalant attitude would be comedic if this wasn’t an horror & tragedy manga lol. He just admitted that he’s ready to die & expects it and what, just like that, one sentence and cool let’s get onto the next topic. It is interesting how he acted during the aquarium arc crisis tbh. He truly has no desire to connect with other people, even in this conversation with Denji he’s talking business all through it, rather than anything else. He doesn’t approach or interact with the others, doesn’t give his input on the situation when the group is brainstorming. He just stays in his corner and observes from afar.

Logic-oriented, coldness and laser focus

His rigidly logical nature is actually somewhat of a flaw for him. His rationale makes him make mistakes, such as assuming a pro would never puke. It’s also why he attempts to use reason and logic with Denji so much, which becomes quickly apparent that it doesn’t work with him. This attitude/way of looking at things backfires on him regularly, as mentioned. This is what I mean by laser focus, mostly, because he has a hard time looking beyond a narrow field of possibilities and causal links, like we already discussed. Once it leaves that field he becomes blind to it, he’s so laser focused that not only does he not consider any possibility beyond what his logic tells him, but if something presents itself that doesn’t align with his logic he’ll promptly dismiss it, in a very erratic way.

He’s obviously very very dedicated to his job. He has for sure trained to have his martial arts skills, and he spends pretty much all his time in part 2 looking over Denji. Being part of the background is part of his job, and he has 0 friends. And he’s fine with it. He’s SO good at hiding his emotions and thoughts, because he keeps the same face 90% of the time.

Money is his motivation, we know this. As much as we can know something about him right now, anyways. I wouldn’t be surprised if he does have some ideological devotion for his job’s mission, but he talks about is as his job first of all, and, yeah, money.

I think there’s also something you can say about how it feels like he’s always one step ahead or playing a higher game when holding conversations with people. Which, I think it’s also important to not that that’s only a feeling, and that doesn’t mean that that’s what he’s doing, or rather, intending. Usually, what he says is only ever to inform or figure out something. Anyways- The only time I feel like this is less true, that he’s constantly blatantly playing games in his conversations, is with the convo above with Kishibe. They’re both super honest and blunt, laying all their cards on the table and speaking with a similar demeanor of cold nonchalance. He speaks matter-of-factly, objectively, without empathy, no matter the topic. No matter the topic. Ever. He calculates risks and rewards constantly and only reveals he’s made those maths when he feels like it (Like with the phone he had in the aquarium arc). Anyways, My point here is just that autistic kids tend to get along better with older people than other kids, the classic “oh you’re so mature for your age”, and I feel like that’s reflected well here. The reason of why that is is pretty simple, autistic kids tend to communicate in ways that are different to other kids and which can weird them out, while adults are more used to different kinds of people and more blunt or wordy conversations. It’s Kishibe’s logical outlook and assessment of situations that allow him to keep up with what Hirofumi’s saying instead of being weirded out here, and they have a good & productive conversation as equals because of it. 

I do think that’s a big part of the appeal of yoshiden, because Denji disregards social conventions and common sense so much that even Yoshida gets stumped sometimes, and it makes him feel more like a highschooler, makes him lose control of the situation and even his face for a bit. It’s healthy for him. And it’s fun on top of humanizing this otherwise cryptic character.

As we’ve seen, surprise is the only emotion he emotes other than his smile (neutrality not included). That’s actually a pretty huge thing!! It does confirm on some level that his smile is a constant that he has to put on, since surprise is the only thing that breaks it and makes him emote more genuinely. Look I made a collage lol. These are 100% of the times where he’s not either smiling or having a neutral face. Like… A dozen panels. I think there’s something to say about surprise being the one emotion he emotes and how he can be rather impulsive, too.

He’s very methodical, the way he interacts with people. With Denji especially, we could see him in real time trying to get a read on Denji. He eventually does, learning to provide what Denji wants so he’ll listen to him more.

——

Misc

At last, the most compelling argument /j: HE SITS FUCKIN’ WEIRD!! In the pic below part of it is that they have to be ready to stand up at any moment to fight, but! He also always crosses his legs when sitting, and I think that’s a lovely detail Fujimoto, and also yeah same. Ofc leg-crossing isn’t exclusive to neurodivergent people, but ways people sit can be surprisingly affected by stuff like being understimulated. I always sit cross-legged, I cannot sit normally without some other way to tuck my legs if I don’t have them crossed, or my brain goes blank. I am not kidding. 

ANYWAYS HE SITS FUCKIN WEIRD!! Doing the big lean, look at him go

Also he holds phones like L Lawliet which is really all the evidence you need lol

In conclusion

Have you *seen* the way he just sits and tries to psychanalyze Denji, asking him why he does the things he does? Have you seen a more autistic bitch ever? He oozes the autism in every little thing he does. Honestly I’m surprised there aren’t more people saying the same thing when it’s so blatant. Once you get to a certain threshold of masking and avoiding attention people don’t suspect a thing. I was diagnosed at 18 and my mom at 50, so yeah, relatable lol. I love him so much

Part 1 Yoshida is a lil fella on the job being weird but trying his best and minding his business. Part 2 Yoshida is a deadpan but fake smile master who autistically struggle to connect with people in a way that allows him to do his job well. He’s creepy and uncanny af without meaning to. 

My autism is the direct reason that attracts me to him, rather than aesthetics or anything else, if that makes sense. (I’m not saying that any reason is superior, just that since my autism is what draws me to him as a character it is an argument for him being autistic coded, in that way). I humanize him a lot, and he humanizes me in turn.