#the most important things today were that the meeting go well and the convo with my boss go well

[starbuck]

good things today:

National Park agreed to let us do a year-long research project starting in January which is gonna look REALLY good on my resume (and also be fun!)

difficult conversation with my boss went well (I think she agreed with me and I’d gonna follow my advice/had already reached the same conclusion herself)

fun concert (with banjo!)

made plans with a friend for tomorrow

got school work done

[literaticat]

Do editors need to build relationships too to even get books sent to them? Like, will you forget a newbie exists if they don't keep reaching out to you? I would assume agents prefer to send to people they know very well over junior editors?

Do editors need to build relationships too to even get books sent to them? Yes. And since agents are building relationships with editors, naturally the reverse is also happening. And yes, I'd say that is important -- it's obviously helpful from the editor's side if agents are aware of what kinds of things they work on and want to see, so they (hopefully) are lessening the number of poorly targeted submissions!

Like, will you forget a newbie exists if they don't keep reaching out to you? I don't know if they need to "KEEP" reaching out -- like once in a while, is presumably sufficient -- if I put the notes in the database, they are there, the whole agency has them, and getting the same info multiple times is not really that helpful. But of course if anything changes with what they want, etc etc, by all means let us know.

Usually we get to know people either because one of us emails the other -- and/or we meet them / have a call with them -- and/or because we try to submit something to them that we think they might like based on their wishlist, and either they buy it (in which case we are working with them and have lots of convos) OR they decline it, and their reaction helps us hone what kind of thing they REALLY like, you know?

While it's true that the more junior editor I haven't really gotten to know yet might not be first to just randomly pop into my head, that's OK -- I don't make submission lists off the top of my head. :-) That's what the database is for!

I would assume agents prefer to send to people they know very well over junior editors? Agents and editors tend to form cohorts -- so the people who were junior editors when I was a newbie agent are the first people I got to know. They are the ones I was going to conferences with, etc etc. We came up together, so now that I'm a Senior agent, those editors I've known/been working with forever are in Senior/Executive roles. (Meanwhile, the people who are more junior agents at my agency tend to know the more junior editors the best.)

That said, I think we all TRY to get to know everyone at every level, and most agents probably prefer to have a healthy mix of more senior and more junior editors in submission lists -- after all, a junior editor today could be the executive of tomorrow!

At the end of the day, I want to send to the people I think are most likely to "get" the book. And while, yes, that means that sometimes, with people I know really well, I'll be like "Oh this is SUCH a so-and-so book" -- I'm just as likely to say, "oh, yeah, no, so-and-so would NOT like this, I need somebody different."

(ALSO, if I only sent to people I know VERY well, those people would get sick of hearing from me, and I'd never get to know the newbies!)

[kyurizeu]

#18 - I missed you. (Im)possibly fate

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

Recent - masterlist - next

Warnings: cursing, awkwardness, boring ass convos, bad grammar

Word count: 1,2k

A/n: hello everyone! I’m trying to come back to tumblr tho it really hard because i have no ideas for stories. So help is very much appreciated! I havent proofread this (oops)

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

The week had passed quicker than expected. You hadn’t had any energy or motivation the whole week because your biggest energy source wasn’t there. You were way too scared to go talk to Jungwon as a result of possibly irritating him again, so you decided it would be best if he just thought about it alone. Although it did pass your mind to go talk to him and make him feel bad about being distant, you knew it was unfair; you were in the same situation after all. You felt like he was mad because for the whole week he didn’t send a single message, not even a "gm" or gn," so you were anxious about seeing him again, especially with the same conversation. It would’ve been smarter to text him and get all of the worries out of the way, but before you knew it, it was Thursday morning, and you had to talk the whole thing over again.

Just like your everyday routine, you got ready and left the dorm with your members. The day's schedule was filled with a couple meetings, scheduling, and promotions, and later in the evening, the most important thing was an interview with Jungwon about the song.

You sighed and sat down in the meeting room. You were the first one there, which was definitely not fun. Whoever is the first person to be in the meeting room has to wait for everyone to come separately and stay quiet and awkward when there's only one or two just sitting. So you took out your phone and scrolled on it, afraid to look up when someone entered the meeting room. "Good morning, yn," said Jungwon. You looked up at him, trying to read his facial expression to match his feelings. Oh, hello, Winnie," it was so awkward. You two hadn’t spoken in a week and were a couple; the room atmosphere was so uncomfortable. Should you even call him "babe" anymore, or does he want to break up? You started to fidget with your fingers while overthinking everything until your thoughts were interrupted by him again. "look umh… Things have been a little strange between us the past week, but I just want you to know that I’m not mad or anything." He sat down across the table. "I didn’t text you because I tried to give you space. I realised that it could seem like I’m trying to pressure you to make up your mind." "I did that too." It was still strangely awkward, but you just needed to say something. "Jungwon?" He looked back up at you from his phone. "I missed you so much." Your lips formed a straight line. Jungwon got up and gave you a warm hug, and without a word, you felt so much more comfortable. "I missed you too, sweetie." Just then the meeting room doors opened and more people came in. Jungwon didn’t sit back on his original chair, but now next to you. The meeting started about 3 minutes later.

Okay, so today we have arrangements. We need to plan the meetings, interviews, promotional activities, and the rest of the week so they fit into both Jungwon’s and Yn’s schedules. But first we have the big question. Jungwon and Yn wanted to take it into consideration to let them make their relationship public. What do we do?" Your manager started

Well, um, me and Jungwon took some time thinking about our opinions on it separately." You stated this, and Jungwon nodded next to you.

Okay, so what do you two think?"

"I was thinking about pros and cons for both scenarios. I came to the conclusion that, in my opinion, It’d be better if we went public."

Jungwon finally told me which decision he ended up with.

"Don’t you think that it’s more on the bad side to go public, though? The public is spreading rumours and isn’t making things easy for either of you." His manager spoke up.

"Of course the fact that the public is suspicious and spreading rumours about us isn’t good and would hurt our case, but they have in fact spread them for a while now, meaning that they have become a little normalised, which takes away the problem, plus my fans haven’t sent anything weird to live comments or anything like that, unlike when the rumours started a little over a week ago."

You stared as Jungwon defended his decision, and you couldn’t help but admire the way he was explaining everything. His hands waving in the air made cute gestures, and his brows moved up and down, making him look more convincing. His dimple popped up on his cheek at times when he was talking, and your mind told you to boop it with your finger, but then you heard your name being called out.

O-oh, yes, what?"

"Which choice do you find more smart?"

Oh, yes, well.. I thought about how our future in our careers would go in both directions, and I have to admit that our careers would suffer a little from going public, but then I thought about our future together, which has nothing to do with our careers. I realise that we can survive a little damage, no matter if it’s with our careers or not, or even a lot of damage, when we have each other. I assume also Jungwon’s but especially my career would get a little damage from either situation since being away from Jungwon would take a lot of energy and motivation from me. I learned that this week. I would be able to get through rumours, hate, scandals, and god knows what else if I had Jungwon by my side. So going public Is definitely my choice."

You nodded at your manager after letting your thoughts out, and he gave a quick glance at Jungwon, as did you. He was smiling cutely, and he looked back at you. "Well.. i guess if we can plan the rest of the week in this meeting, i guess that’s what we will do, unless our plans clash with going public. See, we haven’t planned anything where you two would have the opportunity to announce it."

"Well, we don’t have to do some big splashy reveal. We could just go live and tell everyone, or maybe walk hand in hand somewhere and let the news spread."

Ooh, does that mean I can post the cute picture I have of myself in your hoodie?" You turned to your boyfriend, who chuckled in response. "Not the best way to announce this," he said, patting your head, and you fake pouted. "Let’s discuss the reveal when you get better ideas; we need to do a lot more."

And so the meeting ended happily, just as you wanted it to. Jungwon and you walked out of the room, and he pulled you into a big hug again. "The explanation why you wanted to go public was so cute. God, I really do love you," you smirked, looking up at him while you were squished between his arms and chest. He gave you a quick peck, and you two had to leave to do your own work for the day.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

Taglist:

@harperwasstaken @strwberrydinosaur @letapostropheesgo @yngwife @chogolei @ddeonmixx @j-wyoung @xiaoderrrr @vivibelov3d @ablackbtsstan @chaechae-23 @vizstars @tlnyjoong @ahnneyong @deobitifull @jungwonnieee @yumilovesloona @ikeu4life @nyxtwixx @s02zjy @choclate32 @soobiverse @maimoirs @gigi-honeyjaes @kimiplx @jakeify @sullkyoons2 @hoonieluv @minnesueng @luvmura

[egcdeath]

birthdays with the boys

in honor of my own birthday, today i’ll be sharing with you what i think your birthday with many cevans characters would be like. enjoy! <3

steve rogers

he leaves his mission early and unannounced so when you wake up to the smell of pancakes in your house, and a man with breakfast in bed you almost jump out of your skin buuut you couldn’t be happier to see him

breakfast in bed is just the start of your bday because he goes ALL. OUT. 

as you finish up eating, he grabs a folded piece of paper with a wax seal on it and hands it to you

he tells you to open it once he leaves, gives you a wink, then goes

he planed a birthday scavenger hunt for you!!!

for the rest of the day, you travel around the city to a bunch of important places in your relationship, like your fav dates n stuff

at the midway point of the hunt, he meets you for a coffee and makes sure you’re still enjoying everything before he sends you off with the avenger’s company card and basically tells you to get something nice before finishing the hunt hehe

you do in fact get yourself something nice

at the end of the hunt, you end up at the compound where all of your friends and teammates are and you have a very nice birthday party

by the time that you and steve go home, you’re exhausted but wanna spend a lil more time savoring your birthday so steve suggests that the two of you watch that one cheesy rom com that you love (and he hates)

as you cuddle on the couch, popping the occasionaly popcorn kernel in your mouth, you cant help but to feel grateful that you have such an amazing boyfriend

ransom drysdale

his birthdays were always disregarded when he grew up, so he has a very extravagant celebration planned for you

we all know that he can make a pretty airtight and elaborate plan so you literally have zero idea of what he’s got up his sleeve

enter: a whole birthday week

(he sweet talked your boss into some time off  so thats one whole thing you don’t have to worry about)

day one is a whole spa and a shopping day

he can’t stand some of your friends but he invites them anyway bc he knows it’ll make you happy

he’s glaring at your friends while they giggle about some new louis vuitton purse and you’re thoroughly amused by it

you give him extra kisses that night as a reward for not instigating any fights that day (awww bf of the year am i right ladies?)

day two you guys do a museum hop and look at lots of art

ransom rolls his eyes at canvases that have a few drops of paint on them and are called modern art, you think this is hilarious

day three you have a picnic together in a park

ransom knows you have an affinity for charcuterie boards and attempts to make you one himself (and it’s not all that bad), along with a bunch of dainty little sandwiches

later that day, you go to a planetarium together

on your drive back home you have an interesting convo on the meaning of life

day 4 you take a pottery class together

ransom makes the most deformed bowl you’ve ever seen in your life

so naturally you put it up for display in your bedroom (so whenever you see it you can think of him)

day five is a first class flight to some luxurious villa in europe. most of day five is taken up on a plane

ransom lets you lay your head on him while you sleep, even though the position you’re in is making it astonishingly uncomfortable for him

day six you guys explore the city all day together

ransom makes sure not to complain about his aching legs (even though yours are getting sore too, and if he said something you would’ve done something about it!)

on your real birthday (day seven), ransom takes you out to a very nice dinner, and gives you a hand written letter detailing how much he loves and cares about you (because sometimes it’s hard for him to say his feelings)

you’re extremely flattered but have no idea how you’ll top this for his own birthday

andy barber

you and andy aren’t really huge on big gestures, so he does little things throughout the day

while you’re at work, he makes a surprise stop by and brings you your favorite drink & lunch from your favorite food place

he sends a bouquet of flowers to your job as well

after work, he cooks for you then showers you in gifts

your favorite thing that he gets you is a little engraved necklace with yours and his initials on it

at the end of the day, he gives you a nice full body massage and somehow that was exactly what you needed.

maybe not the most extravagant birthday, but a good one nonetheless.

frank adler

you have a pretty chill birthday with him and mary

he brings you a cake that him and mary made/decorated together

it’s kind of hideous but you love it

you guys let mary skip class for just 1 (one) day but tell her to keep it a secret

you call the school and let her fake being sick in the background. it is a hoot

you all go to the zoo together 

you take tons of pictures

your personal favorite is one where mary and frank are posing with a giraffe

after the zoo, you go bowling

when you win, the sore losers that came with you claim they were letting you win since it was your birthday

you end your day at the beach, watching mary and her cat play in the sand in your peripheral vision while you and frank admire the sunset

ah, sweet, sweet domesticity

ari levinson

you go to an escape room to celebrate your birthday

it’s just you and ari, but you’re smart so you don’t expect it to be too difficult

🚨wrong🚨

you’re both so hard headed and stubborn that doing any of the tasks is like pulling teeth

eventually the building had to close, and you’ve only finished like... a few tasks in the hours you’ve been there

this was certainly not a bad birthday though, arguing with ari is one of your favorite pastimes

and this birthday certainly did not disappoint

jake jensen

you and the rest of your team decided to go to a little retro arcade for the first half of the night

you spent way more time than necessary watching jake attempt to beat the high score of some random game

after giving up on beating the highest score on a pac-man machine, jake decided to attempt to win you a prize on the claw machine

like, $20 and a few annoyed humans in line behind him later, it was still nothing

when jake finally gave up, the next person in line won the soft and plushy elephant you had your eye on

and while your back was turned, he may or may not have paid off its rightful owner in order to get it with you

it was too sweet of a gesture for you to even try to be annoyed with jake

a bit later, you decided to partake in a game of laser tag which was going on in the same building

this was fine and dandy buuuut

everyone on your team treated every mission (real or fictional) like the end of the world

this made for a few very interesting matches

jake nearly trampled a child more than one time

good thing everyone was required to sign a waiver before playing

a custody battle over which team got to have cougar seemed to be a consistent theme during the night

when you were on different teams, you couldn’t help but notice that jake was getting a little too much pleasure out of shooting you

it was fine because you were equally enthusiastic about shooting him

you were eventually booted from the game when an employee claimed you were all being too rough

at some point you lost the elephant

but luckily for you, you found it before you went home

you were going to keep that elephant forever

johnny storm

you were genuinely convinced that johnny forgot your birthday

he did not bring it up ONCE the whole day

you’re actually kind of hurt for a while and get all in your head

johnny gets the silent treatment 🙄 (but he deserves it)

you decide to stop moping and go out, since it issss your birthday

you do your makeup and put on a skimpy little dress

as you leave your room and start enter the communal portion of the baxter building, johnny stops you and checks you out

he’s like “where are you going????”

and you’re like “out 😐”

and he’s like “are you sure? 🤨”

and you’re like yes duh

then he gestures to the side really quickly and you’re kinda confused then a whole bunch of people pop out and start cheering for your birthday

you’re kinda embarrassed that you spent so much of the day moping but you quickly get over it because you love a good party

by the time that most of your guests are gone, you force johnny to take you out to the club

and of course you warn him not to ever pull a stunt like that again

lucas lee

he forgot it was your birthday

[zukkoxx]

online school with the boys!

w/ bakugo, kirishima, denki, shoto

bakugo 💥

honestly, shifting from in person to online school was hard for bakugo in the beginning.

he was used to the classroom atmosphere, and hated having to look at a screen for hours a day.

but...you made it a little better.

bakugo insisted on you doing school in your dorm with you.

he claimed it was so he could help you focus, but honestly, he didn’t like the idea of being away from you for hours when he didn’t need to.

so everyday at 7 AM, he’d barge into your dorm like the morning person he is and forcefully wake you up,

usually having a small bowl of fruit or a granola bar for your breakfast.

he’s make you sit at your desk, saying laying in bed would be bad for your back

you two wouldn’t really talk to each other during most of the class time, only occasional glances here or there, and asking for extra pencils or paper.

but if bakugo saw you on your phone or dozing out while your teacher was talking, he’d yell at you instantly.

“PAY ATTENTION DUMBASS! THIS IS WHY YOU’RE FAILING!”

if you happen to have the same class one period, you’d do your work together.

he helped you stay productive, and it was honestly like a homeschool type of vibe.

bakugo was a strict teacher.

but your were grateful he stuck with you during all the online bull crap.

and he was grateful he had his love to entertain him during the gruesome hours.

kirishima 🪨

kirishima didn’t really like online school.

having to be away from his friends who made his day 10 times better and not being able to talk to people like the social butterfly he is didn’t really sit well with him.

but the real deal breaker not being able to see you for seven hours a day.

he could barely go one hour without talking to you. how was he supposed to go a whole seven?

so with that, you always had random visits from kirishima while you were in class.

he knew online was hard, so he wanted to make it easier for you.

every hour he’d peep into your dorm with a snack, or just his happy self, grinning ear to ear with dazzling eyes.

“hey babe! want some chips? water?”

“you good y/n? not tired, are ya?”

“does your back hurt? you need your man to give you a massage?”

he just couldn’t stay away from you and checking in was his only excuse for seeing you.

it was also a lot harder for him to pay attention during online school. so expect many tutoring sessions.

bakugo was fed up with his endless questions about the material he learned just that morning, so he stuck you with tutoring duty.

not that you were complaining, especially when kiri kissed you out of happiness when he got a question right.

and when school was finally over, expect kiri to be in your dorm at an instant, dragging your body towards your bed for daily cuddles and naps.

denki ⚡️

denki did not like online school seriously

as soon as they announced he didn’t have to go in the building, he threw away his books and planned to go out everyday.

but you forced him to at least log onto to class and try to pay attention.

and he would do anything for his love

that doesn’t mean he would be good at it.

it was impossible for denki to pay attention in class without having you “monitor” him, so you’d have to go to his dorm and make sure he wasn’t goofing around.

only problem? this dude would not wake up for online school. even with you dragging him to his computer and logging into class for him, he’d fall back asleep the moment you walked away.

drooling over his keyboard and all.

and no matter how many times you’d wake him up, he’d pass out again in the next five minutes.

so...you decided to take notes for his first two classes which he always slept through.

please someone get you a best s/o award you deserve it baby.

anyways, when denki finally woke up for the day, he was as energetic and hyper as ever.

he was attached to your hip at all times, and even though he hated being in his class, he insisted on joining your zoom meeting because he was so interested in what you were doing

he also made you turn your camera on for a few minutes every class, smushing himself into the screen with you and showing everyone how great your relationship was.

he’d use the chat saying,

“hey everyone! joining my baby’s class today. don’t mind me :)”

you’d be so embarrassed but he looked so cute, all happy, wrapping his arms around you as he actually payed attention to whatever your teacher was saying while his class went on in the background.

he definitely had to go to summer school after that year.

shoto❄️🔥

surprisingly, shoto suggested you both stay in your own dorms during school hours.

but he had a pretty good excuse.

“as much as i’d love to do class in your dorm, i think we’d be too distracted with each other to actively participate as we should.”

“but shoto, we used to be in the same room together during class all the time-“

“please y/n. us, alone, in a room with a bed sounds like the perfect disaster to me. and i have a habit of mistakingly unmuting myself during class. i don’t wish that embarrassment on anyone.”

“.....okay shoto.”

so as much as he longed for you during the day, you both stayed in your dorms until school was over.

but shoto memorized your schedule, so expect him to peek in during your lunch break for a quick conversation or...whatever you two have in mind.

he’d text you all day, asking about what you were learning and telling you how much he missed you.

and since it was a little harder for you to grasp the material you were learning without having the teacher right in front of you, shoto always helped you study for upcoming tests and important assignments

shoto wasn’t really vocal during class, only using the chat every now and then,

but when you two had the same class, he’d answer almost every question, making sure to use his mic so you could hear his voice.

he just wanted to impress you— you were the only person’s opinion he cared about.

when school was over, he’d meet you in the common room to take you out for soba, and tell you things he might’ve missed in your text convos.

he was honestly fine with not having to go into the building to do school, content with the sanctuary of his own dorm,

but he missed you all the time

and that was enough to hope all this would be over soon.

hopefully you liked this my loves! and if anyone is having trouble with this online school stuff, just know YOURE NOT ALONE. i’ve been doing horrible with being productive and keeping my grades up. it’s normal. there’s only a little bit of school left so keep fighting and my inbox is always open if anyone wants to talk

send a request here please!-> 🥀

[semi-imaginary-place]

rewatching decadence part 2 because part 1 got too long

ep7: Getting to see the game Deca-Dence as a new player would with the opening cutscene, skipping the TOS, character creation and all was a good touch. Also the fact that Kaburagi could look like anything, but he wants to look like mid 40′s dad both times. I wonder who it was that decided Minato should vape. The conversation on the top of Deca-Dence is real interesting because its like only 20% of the actual conversation is spoken out loud and the other 80% left unsaid, so we have to guess what was left unsaid. Minato tells Kaburagi to not make things worse for himself, condoning his actions, but also vows to himself to help Kabu even though it is very dangerous for him. Kaburagi leaves after regretfully saying he doesn’t want to cause Minato more trouble, and yet his current and future actions are and will be doing just that. The obscuring fog in this scene adds to the sense of distance or disconnect between these two. Somewhere over the past 7 years they have fallen off the same page.

This episode again highlights how while for the Tankers this is life and death situation, for the cyborgs Deca-Dence is a game. We get a shot of some Gears lightheartedly discussing how fun the latest game event was, followed right after with what that event meant for the Tankers as we see a makeshift medbay in the streets filled with the dead and dying to really drive home the gap of compassion between the two groups. Minato is one of the few cyborgs we really see besides Kaburagi and the show uses him to show how cyborgs don’t think of humans as people. Humans to the cyborgs are just npcs in a game. Now anime and manga about videogames have been around a long time and were especially popular in the mid 2000s (mmorpgs especially) after which the genre dropped the “in a game” part but kept everything else which were today know as the isekai genre. Hot takes like “the videogame characters are actually people all along” aren’t new either, but Deca-Dence is one of the most successful in generating sympathy and compassion for the Other by flipping the script. Most of those series come from the perspective of the player and show the player coming to care about the npcs. This often isn’t done very well or comes off as patronizing, like the other characters act in service of making the mc look like a good guy instead of actually acting like fully realized people in their own right. (*cough* sao *cough*). In contrast to this, Deca-Dence initially starts from the perspective of Natsume who is human just like us the audience, and thus predisposing us to feeling with and feeling for her. So later when its revealed the humans of this world aren’t seen as people by the cyborgs or the the corporation that rules all their lives, it is granted greater weight in the context of all of us who have played videogames before and met npcs and maybe not cared all that much about them. Decadence places the viewer in the position of the npc, the Other.

Episode 7 is also the beginning of several letters exchanged between Kaburagi and Natsume. Its a presence that lingers long after the person has left and also acts as a contrast to the call/social networking apps of the cyborgs. In episode 5 we saw Kaburagi choose Natsume over following the orders of Solid Quake, but through to episode 7 he still believed in its system. Look even at episode 6 where he still believed that if he worked hard and played by the rules, the system would reward him and everything would be ok and compare that calm assurance in episode 6 to his mountain frustration in episode 7. He’s starting to see how thing are run in Deca-Dence makes life really hard and kind of terrible for the Tankers. This frustration at the system culminates at the end of the episode when he realizes the real human cost of perpetuating this system of oppression in how it hurts Natsume. I mean “Late stage capitalism made my adopted daughter Natsume cry, so I'm going to dismantle it.“ is a joke and pretty funny, but like, that’s what actually what happens. Both Kaburagi and Natsume further the theme of pushing the limits. Kaburagi realizes the limits of his society and why its time to break them down, while of Natsume’s side we see her struggle in the face of things much larger than her. Much like how the cyborgs are stuck in their lifestyles of working for Solid Quake, earning oxyone, and playing Deca-Dence, the Tankers are stuck in their role in society to leave their fates to the Gears and Deca-Dence. So Natsume asking everyone to take charge of their own lives and close that the hole is them stepping out of the comfort of what they’ve always done, which is leave it to someone else (deca-dence administration, gears, etc.). Natsume asks the Tankers to push their limits, the step outside of what they’ve always done and to believe in things they thought were impossible to do. We see Fei representing the belief a lot of Tankers that nothing needs to change, thus nothing should change and they will not act to bring change to their own lives. The Tankers live lives that are decided for them. The Deca-Dence administration controls their population, and the system eliminates any who would disrupt it. They don’t have a lot of control and are resigned to live like that, until Natsume comes along. This episode we see her do what she does the entire series, inspire people to be more. Natsume’s doing alright, she might not be where she wants to be but she’s taken steps in that direction. Where Nstsume is psychologically contrast Kaburagi who’s a bit of a mess realizing he can no longer live under the thumb of Solid Quake’s Deca-Dence system and is kind of floundering about. When kaburagi meets Natsume again... he is so awkward, I’m getting second hand embarressmen. and again the assault jokes have got to stop. The shot of the empty chair calls back to the first episode and another talk between Natsume and Kaburagi. I always love it when an anime plays the credits early.

ep8: again the importance of the individual over the group with kaburagi’s lines at the beginning on why he’s taking down the gadoll factory. I’m just thinking about how kaburagi is certain minato kept his avatar. and everyone just agreeing that minato has that vibe. I really love the avatar retrieval part of the first episode. Its a heist sequence. I love heists!. They also did a good job with pacing and tension in that part. Still can’t believe the creators put a sex toy in this show but at least this joke is actually funny. Oh Minato pulled strings to get Kaburagi out of the poor jail. I missed that part. but now the two of them are not only on different pages, but on different books. Minato doesn’t see the tankers as people and follows the Deca-Dence system on what is good and what is bad, so he can’t comprehend why Kaburagi is throwing away everything the Deca-Dence system values for something the system has deems less than worthless. While Kaburagi has formed a moral compass independent of this system, he sucks at communication and doesn’t explain anything to Minato. Interesting how Minato views bugs as bad but has made an exception for kaburagi and probably did some mental gymnastics to do so. It reminds of those homophobic family members that make an exception for their gay family member. Minato never wanted anything but to be by Kaburagi’s side so he prioritizes Kaburagi above pretty much everything else which is why while he defends the establishment, he also breaks rules for Kaburagi. Their little convo continues the same dialectic, Kaburagi’s been inspired by Natsume to push the limits of himself and society, to choose how he lives instead of letting the Deca-Dence system tell him. Kaburagi underwent character development when Minato wasn’t looking and he can’t recognize him anymore but desperately wants to. Kaburagi moving forwards without him and him realizing that he was never as much a priority to Kaburagi as Kaburagi was to him, means that Minato’s really hurting by the end of the scene, and he doesn’t take it out on Kaburagi, he just leaves. ...if it isn’t obvious by now, minato is my favorite character. gotta love the gay robot having a mid life crisis. (i mean his feeling aren;t necessarily romantic, but you know the joke I’m referencing). Turkey just wakes up and chooses evil every day huh. I predict someone on tumblr with a history of unhealthy relationships is horny for turkey.

ep9: why does the reactor look like a cyborg core? Again. WHYYY does Donatello have a gun??? idiots let him keep a working gun. I love the contrast of the actual pretty gritty situation of the prison riot being represented with super cartoony slapstick animations. This probably saves on frames as well as keep the series from getting too dark, because if you think about it the labor camp conditions are pretty horrifying but its disguised with cartoony designs and wacky characters. Kaburagi and Natsume are doing very important plot things, but the core of episode 9 are Sark and Turkey. Through them we see the same conversation that has been repeated through out the series of conforming to society and staying in line, that things won’t ever change so you should just duck your head and follow order, or the “I’m comfortable how things are” versus you should make your own choices with live life how to want to, to push your limits. Turkey sees the Deca-Dence system as absolute and eternal and thus tries to play by the system and help it continue by selling out everyone else. Sark is passive and doesn't really have an opinion of his own, just following whatever the others are doing whether its Kaburagi stealing his avatar or Turkey in betraying everyone. Sark unlike Turkey isn’t malicious, he wants the best for everyone but also isn’t quite willing to put himself at risk for others. After seeing everyone be destroyed as a consequence of following Turkey however, his new resolve and subsequent suicide bombing is the only reason the plan ends up succeeding. For total destruction of the gadoll factory two things were needed: flipping the kill switch on all the gadoll in the dome, and destroying the reactor powering the factory. We aren’t told how Jill and Kaburagi originally planned to destroy the reactor (like was he just suppose to wander around until they bumped into it?), but Sark’s explosion is what allowed Kaburagi and Natsume to get away from Hugin. Without Sark, Hugin would have totally caught them. So it was Sark taking charge of his own life and pushing his limits that saved them all. That said, if the explosion was powerful enough to reach all the way up the giant tube and destroy the reactor, why didn’t it break the tube and why didn’t it destroy everyone left in the prison? ah well it makes thematic sense so I’ll let this pass.

So I’ve talked before about how Deca-Dence’s ending could be improved to build on some of the themes established in the first couple episodes. The problem is that this show isn’t pushing a narrative of collaboration and the power of collective bargaining, its pushing an individualist narrative about how each and every person can reach out and better themself. Now I don’t think these two themes are mutually exclusive, but it would take a very delicate touch as well as an attentive and thoughtful audience to successfully weave these two theme together into a nuanced whole. And if a rewrite were to happen with the minimal amount of changes, I think ep 10 is a good divergence point. The final little arc is about the rogue gadoll outside of the Deca-Dence system and the threat of total annihilation by solid quake, and while big kaiju fights look cool, they don’t quite deal with dismantling systems of oppression at the hands of your corporate overlords. So, I would have preferred something like the cyborgs and Tankers coming together to seize the means of production, destroy Solid Quake, and take its assets for themselves. The ideal rewrite situation though would for this all to be 24 episodes and the big gadoll to be the episode 12 climax while taking down Solid Quake happen in ep 23-24. And since we’re doing a rewrite, Natsume kinda drops off as the main character after episode 5 and I’d like to see her back at the forefront of the show.

ep10: If this show had leaned more into the futility of Natsume seeking to improve herself within a system that rendered it meaningless, it would have ended up much darker, but I also think it would have been richer. Ah poor Natsume, she’s at a low point since the context of what she has been doing has wildly changed, afterall, what’s the point of improving yourself if nothing else ever changes and what you do doesn’t matter. The letter writing continues and it is good. So I’m not going to question how the exit tunnel is still intact, but watching into robot kaburagi angrily drive a car and swear is really funny. I’ve been wondering for a while, the humans literally live in a fuel tank, how is there enough light to grow plants in there? Like as part of the post-apocalyptic aesthetic, a lot of Tankers have little house plants which in addition to being inside the fuel tank, are also inside their houses. oh yeah for any who didn’t get it. The reason as a child Natsume went into cardiac arrest and her chip was read as dead wasn’t because of the severity of her injuries, Deca-Dence’s system had deemed her too dangerous to live and flipped her kill switch.

ep11: on a thematic level I might be meh, but the writing and execution are what really pull the ending through. Everything is nicely set up from the mutated gadoll the victim of animal abuse several episodes earlier to fighting hugin in the factory being how hugin finds out about natsume. I think about Jill’s lines here, that no matter how hard you try to keep things from changing, you’re just fighting the inevitable. Also Natsume took Kaburagi’s switching bodies really well like seeing someone you care about die in front of you but then surprise they just got another body would give most people such whiplash. “our bodies are under the system’s control, but our core’s are independent of it” I’m still thinking about this. It makes sense given how the first generation of cyborgs where humans with mechanical implants, but cyborg’s cores are still such a mystery. The things you can’t control are a part of life too. In Deca-Dence bugs are uncertainties that the master control system doesn’t know what to do with. More than just individualism good, here we get a little more nuance to Deca-Dence (the show)’s theme. Jill was one of the creators of the Deca-Dence game (giant mech, control system, and all), and they tried to create perfect system where everything was under its control and order could be maintained forever, and this inevitably failed (the show tells us). Trying to perfectly order everything is to attempt the impossible, disorder will always creep in and those little individual differences should be celebrated. and is to the backdrop of an old Deca-Denca(robot) part that is rusting away, plants and animals overtaking it much like how the Deca-Dence’s currently enforced status quo of the game will fall away in the face of those it deems bugs. wait did we ever figure out what the bug was that jill left in deca-dence? mmmm I’m still thinking about Minato logging out because the system told him to but unwilling to let things end this way so physically going back down to earth in his real body. Facing the possibility of truly losing Kaburagi forever is what pushes Minato to question following the Deca-Dence master control system. He totally became a bug for Kaburagi. I doubt Kaburagi had any idea how much Minato wanted to hear the words “let’s fight together to the end”, but offered the thing he truly desires, Minato probably would have done anything. mmm he’s got it bad. there’s also that linking Kaburagi and Deca-Dence’s core takes two people and yet, Kaburagi didn’t bring anyone with him. Which is terrible planning, but allowed for this really great scene. that he knew Minato would come after him. And then the last thing me sees in Minato. Minato truly is ride or die. literally. He could have gone back to the spaceship so that he’d survive no matter what, but he choose to stay. If the plan succeeds then he will see it through with/right beside/literally inside of Kaburagi, and if it fails and Kaburagi is annihilated when Solid Quake wipes the dome, Minato will also be annihilated along side Kaburagi.

ep12: so kaburagi just straight up demands admin privileges and the governing sys is like “sure”. Yeah pretty sure the governing system convo was a season 2 hook to show the big wigs. The independent all governing system tells Kaburagi that all this, him and bugs are a part of the system’s learning process, to which Kaburagi responds that all that doesn’t matter since he’s going to do what he wants independent/regardless of the governing system. the context in which you do things doesn’t matter. Also I never pointed it out since its like the 4th wall of scifi, everyone is just trained to suspend their disbelief, but oxyone is total bullshit. A non toxic liquid energy dense fuel that can be concentrated into orbit range lasers. The tankers all helping Natsume push the spare part is a feel good moment seeing everyone working together. Its an unnecessarily scene for the purpose of including the tankers in the action, since the part wasn’t ever really needed and the writers didn’t have to have it severed by the laser to begin with. the Natsume montage overlayed with the music is very good. wait. i just realized, limiter release can be reversed. Afterall, Kaburagi released his limiters with his first avatar, and if he had still been fully connected to it when hugin killed that avatar, cyborg Kaburagi should have died too but he didn’t and just immediately logged in on a different account. Kabu-Dence releasing his limits here and literally giving all of himself to destroy omega is fulfilling both for his character arc and on an emotional level. This entire show has been about pushing one’s limits and making your own choices, and it culminates here’s in Kaburagi literally releasing his limiter, thus putting him in mortal danger, and then giving every last ounce of himself to the path he has decided. The destruction of the mech fortress Deca-Dence is also symbolic of the end of the game of the Deca-Dence mmorpg as we know it. wait wait did Kaburagi hold on just long enough to hear Natsume thank him. aaaaahhh and then the ed song plays!! and then the play the new mmo intro scene. Still real weird that they’re using a cyborg brain as a ball.

[plethoraurora]

“lie to me” and morality in btvs

today on help! i wrote an essay in the discord chat. since i happen to do that a lot i figured i’d dump them onto my blog for posterity, and so i don’t have to dig through archives/search to find them if i wanna express those points again.

so without further ado, please have a very stream-of-consciousness response to a conversation the buffyverse discord had about “lie to me” and its relevance to the series, specifically in terms of overarching themes and morality. this is entirely unedited and solely the result of my absolutely unhinged brain being allowed to run free:

prelude

re: the convo we were having about "lie to me": not to mention, the implications of buffy's conversation with giles in regard to the idea of moral ambiguity. which really hasn't been a conversation piece at all up to this point: it has been exactly that -- we know the enemies, we know the good guys, and that line is cleanly drawn. this totally foreshadows SO many things that will unfold through the rest of the series

pt. 1

obviously, angel losing his soul and reverting to angelus which is nearing in, at that point -- the ambiguity of one's personhood, the idea of the soul as the physical guiding force for morality, and the lack of it. what separates angel from angelus -- what separates the actions he committed as angelus from his ensouled state? what makes up his personhood?

pt. 2

then there's faith, who comes up next, chronologically -- she's buffy's foil in so many ways i don't even know where to begin -- but especially in her views of morality and what's "right" -- you can see that in her understanding of buffy's morality (ex. "because it's wrong"), and her actions throughout season 3 -- from her recklessness from the time she's introduced through her betrayal and incarceration/redemption, she walks a very thin, undefined line, between the inherent "good" of the nature of being a slayer, and "bad" of her own nature/nurture, and personal view of herself.

through her stint as buffy, we see that she feels the need to view herself as "bad", to demonize her actions, in direct contrast to buffy's "goodness" -- she sees them as complete opposites, polar extremes of a spectrum of morality -- when they're both closer to the middle. and that's something that will be explored when faith returns to sunnydale in s7, changed immensely by her self-imposed penance in prison, as well as buffy's own actions after her resurrection -- completely changed in her own demeanor through the effects of her feeling a disconnect from humanity and pursuing a self-harming relationship with spike -- who's been seen as "bad" this entire time.

the dynamic between faith and buffy is also explored in the context of the conflict regarding who the potentials want to lead them, and choosing faith -- while faith's changed her tune to do more good, buffy's gone from more the more optimistic of the two, to almost on par with faith's pessimism -- she sees the harsh reality of the past seven years clearly, and while her morals haven't changed -- how she sees them has -- buffy's always seen herself as inherent good, and faith as bad -- just as faith sees them -- when they meet again in s7, they both recognize they're neither.

pt. 3

and then we have willow -- who i think is the clearest example of this dichotomy -- just look at the change in her demeanor from season 1 to season 7. like buffy, she starts out optimistic to a fault -- they'll always win. and when they don't -- it affects her. willow isn't on the same moral high ground that early season buffy puts herself on -- but she is highly logical. she's book smart, studious, applies herself, and is generally just insanely intelligent. but as she starts to get into magic -- that logistics-focused approach starts to crumble -- because magic isn't logical, is it? she can easily apply logics to the functions of magical objects and ingredients, but the how and why is much more spiritual, connected to emotions -- which is exactly what we get when she pursues higher levels of magic upon meeting tara.

her morals aren't as clearly defined on the spectrum as buffy or faith's, or as questioned as angel or spike's, and her change is much more gradual than incited by one event (e.g. buffy's death/resurrection, angel losing his soul, spike getting his soul, etc.). i find her more similar to faith in this way -- though like faith and buffy, they're less traveling the same path than meeting each other in the middle.

it would be easy to argue tara's death as the inciting event in what seems like a change in willow's morality -- but i think of it as inherently connected to her disposition and how she sees the world, which is a gradual change. i think, then, that losing tara is more of an expression of this change -- a display of massive proportions of just how much she's changed since the first season. and we love willow. she's portrayed as an insanely sympathetic character -- she's shy, awkward, and loved by all the other characters she's an invaluable member of the team, both with her book smarts and later, her magic.

i actually think willow's morals are the most stagnant out of nearly every character -- perhaps besides giles. i think she's very similar to giles in that regard -- we see a similar arc with them, and at the same time. they have a strong understanding that what's moral isn't always right, and what's right isn't always moral. strong examples being when giles kills ben, and when he comes back, prepared to stop willow even if it costs either or both of their lives.

what changes is the way she expresses them -- again, inherently connected to her understanding of the world, going from purely logic based to more focused on feelings and connection to the world/other people. we see this expressed both in her demeanor, the focus on her magic, and most importantly, her appearance -- in seasons 4 and 5, she seems to take on a lot of tara's style choices, all invoking very hippie-ish vibes: long skirts, earthy tones and patterns -- which i think shows a lot about how tara influences her both personally (in terms of figuring out her sexuality) and magically; as she takes on more of a quote unquote stereotypical witch persona, pretty reminiscent of lots of early 2000s weird/magical girl tropes.

sidebar

i think a lot about the weird girl trope in regards to her, too. especially in the way that other similarly themed characters of the era were treated, in the way of sexual autonomy and femininity, and desirability. she definitely falls into the basics of the trope -- unsexualized costume, with a more seemingly "modest" demeanor and appearance. most importantly, some way of defying the norm. which willow does ten-fold: she doesn't fall to social heirarchy/popularity like buffy and cordelia do, initially; she's actually very low on the social pedestal. she doesn't follow fashion trends, she wears what she wants, doesnt fall to peer pressure to do otherwise. and most importantly, her sexuality, which could be considered the ultimate derivation from the norm in terms of how her character archetype was presented as well as the climate of the time.

two things i find really interesting in terms of her diverting the trope, however, is 1) the fact that unlike most girls that fall under the "weird girl" designation, she doesn't profess to not care what people think -- and we see directly the opposite, getting into her head in "helpless". and 2) she isn't seen as undesirable by romantic/sexual interests -- infact, she's got two pretty strong love interests. normally the women under this trope aren't given love interests, or if they are, they're equally matched to them in terms of demeanor. this couldn't be more false for willow's love interests.

i think the order oz and tara are portrayed in regards to willow's arc is also really important there -- oz, when they first get together, is seemingly a much stronger mentally and emotionally person than her; more bold and concretely himself -- but this is all a facade, as he isn't nearly sure of his identity as he navigates what being a werewolf is.

likewise, when willow and tara first enter their relationship, tara seems to be the less headstrong and in control of the two -- completely reversed in late s5/early s6 when willow isn't in control of her magic.

anyways. just an interesting sidebar.

pt. 3 cont

the fundamental function of willow's brain is logic: but logic can't justify tara's death. she can't find warren's motivation; can't process it as an accident. she doesn't believe that getting revenge is the moral thing to do. but she does believe it's right -- to find balance, a life for a life -- the way she'd learned to balance equivalent exchanges in her magic.

[oathkeeper-of-tarth]

2020 SU Fic Sampler - WIP Showcase

So in my continued attempts at distraction, I trawled through my SU fanfic folders, looked at the ol’ endless WIP pile. Figured I’d do a little roundup of some that are in something resembling a decent state. Maybe even see where interest lies and all that, get some attention and validation, you know, all that good stuff one craves. Of course, there’s loads more than this, and I might one day post some things I wrote but never quite managed to finish up, or that got super jossed in ways I couldn’t get myself to work around.

Now, in no particular order, here’s 8 draft snippets totaling almost 6000 words - not very polished, obviously, some quite rough around the edges, some long, some short, some that work better without context than others. But here they are anyway, with an utterly predictable array of focal characters. Any missing segments or my asides/notes in the text are [written like this], because I usually write very non-linearly. Hope you all like mood whiplash! 

P.S. I live for comments.

Like Talking To A Wall, aka Bismuth making friends with the wall, statue, and floor Gems. Early precursors to radicalisation and “I would have liberated everyone”, perhaps. Started as one of my first reactions to the Diamond Days episodes.

“Hey, thanks for listening.”

“Anytime. You’re lucky I’m so supportive,” Mica piped up from up on her arch.

Bismuth laughed. Bittersweet. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am.”

Then, with a surprisingly gentle hand pressed to the carvings she’d been so careful about, she added a soft: “I’ll miss you.”

“Chin up! It’s gonna be a lovely off-planet adventure for you,” Granite rumbled from just above her head. “A brand new colony! Think of the sights!”

“You can tell us all about it when we see you again.”

Bismuth leaned back, pressing her whole back against the wall, reluctant to leave, even if a snooty shift supervisor was bound to come around and chase her off soon. “Yeah, I’ll make sure to do that.”

They all knew very well that, as always, when the building was done, it was goodbye. The chances of there being a need for repairs or remodelling - and the exact same bismuths being brought in to do them - were incredibly slim.

But pretending was nice, sometimes.

-

Hey, Steven, think I could get a moment before we leave? I won’t be long.

-

They were right where she’d left them, and the years had done very little to change them. A bit of a patina there, some dust, the tiniest bit of wear on sharper corners.

“Bismuth?” Several familiar voices cried out to her in shocked recognition.

She knew she must look a sight - battle-ready and battle-worn, but armour still gleaming, and with a bearing of one who had been through much and was always ready for more. She felt her back had never been so proud and straight, her shoulders so resolutely set.

“I think,” Bismuth grinned, “you’re gonna start seeing changes around these parts.”

---

One for that favourite Pearletariat/Pearl Solidarity fic sub-genre of mine: Clever Pearls Cleverly Getting Around Badly Worded Orders. A bit of an origin for an as-of-yet unnamed pearl OC, because I sure don’t have enough of those!

In the untold thousands of years of Homeworld and Gemkind, and the hundreds of thousands of commands given to hundreds of thousands of pearls, nobody ever thought to Order a pearl not to think. That would imply a they mattered at all, and who would ever put stock in a pearl’s thoughts? Most Gems weren’t sure pearls could think, anyway. I mean, if they could, all that standing around would be intolerable, wouldn’t it? And imagine not being able to say no to anything, even crushing your own gem - shards, at least I’m not a pearl!

They were, occasionally, when dealing with an owner’s important, private, confidential business, Ordered to forget, or, a bit less esoterically, Ordered never to tell.

And [OWNER] has always been all too eager with the Orders. As if she went to bizarre lengths in her thinking that pearl couldn’t - or wouldn’t? - do anything upon merely being told, let alone by herself. Every little thing, from sweeping up the shards of a broken decorative plate to taking down the minutes of an important meeting [OWNER] was presiding over - (im)pressed upon pearl with the crushing weight of an Order.

But she could still think.

Even when Ordered to wait by the door, freezing her limbs and anchoring her legs to the ground with all the force of a starship mooring mechanism. Even when Ordered into silence for days and planetary rotations on end because [OWNER] had wanted to read an important document without being disturbed and it simply didn’t occur to her to lift it when she was done.

In the wake of the Rebellion and the Renegade Pearl, it only gets worse, and soon enough pearl can barely remember the last time a single movement she made was voluntary.

---

SU Future-era Bismuth and Steven convo I scribbled down in between some of these recent eps - after Growing Pains in particular I think - because Bismuth is the absolute pep talk queen.

“You already said you were sorry for trying to kill me in the Forge, and really, it’s okay, it was all a misunderstanding. Besides, it’s more than a lot of people have done!”

Bismuth blinked at the pinkish sheen around Steven’s cheeks, around the downturned brows - strange trick of the light, that. “Steven, come on. Just listen to me for a minute.”

“Okay,” Steven sighed, and leaned against the railing Bismuth had fixed just that morning.

“Point is, for me, the war had never ended. It wasn’t only yesterday, it was today. It was over for everyone, it seemed, except for me. And getting over that, getting used to that, really seeing that as the truth, not living every day buzzed up with that anticipation of the next battle, just waiting for Homeworld to come down hard on us with whatever new horror they’d come up with… that took a while. And it took help.”

[sudden apparent non-sequitur but It’s An Allegory, Steven.]

“When you make a sword, you can’t make it rigid and unyielding. You can’t just temper it into toughness and hardness and make it unbreakable. It needs to have some give in order to be durable, it needs to be able to bend so as not to shatter on impact. And sure, maybe the first parry or strike wouldn’t be the one to do it, but the tenth, the hundreth, the thousandth? Any time you might just find yourself holding on to a hilt with the jagged remnants of everything, and shards scattered on the ground. And if you’re very lucky, that’ll happen during friendly sparring, not in the heat of battle.”

Steven shrugged without response, and seemed to be shrugging off all the words as well. Back to the direct approach it was, then.

“Now you, Steven,” that at least got a bit more attention, “Sure, you can brawl with the best of ‘em, and you put that gem to damn good use. You’ve got great technique drilled in, too - I’d expect nothing less from one of Pearl’s students. But that’s not how you won, in the end, is it? You never won because you were tough, or strong. You have a diamond in you but you’re not hard at all. Well, except on yourself.”

“In the end all of this was possible because you were soft. Just malleable and pliable enough when it was needed. And that takes guts.”

“Hey, I’m just saying,” Bismuth put a hand on his shoulder, and even with all the very human growing he’d done, he still seemed to almost disappear in it. “You put yourself out there for others… maybe it’s about time you let them help you.”

---

The next chapter of the His Dark Materials/Daemons AU which I am sooooo painfully late with it’s not even funny anymore. Already posted some excerpts [here] and [here].

“She’s been... away on business, but we’ve sent a zeppelin for her and she’s well on her way back. Hopefully.”

“You have a zeppelin?” Rose was rapidly failing in all her efforts to keep her voice down. 

“Of a sort. We, er, we... stole it.”

“Stole-!”

“Yes, well, stole might be a strong word,” Pearl tapped a finger against her chin. “You see, there was a small decommissioned postal craft left below the southern mail station aërodock that nobody would ever miss, all I had to do was fix it up a bit and-”

Rose blinked. “You fixed a decommissioned zeppelin.”

Pearl waved a hand almost casually. “I had some help, but yes. Svalbard, understandably, is hard to reach with other means of transport, and Bismuth needed to be able to go back and forth.”

“You,” Rose began, awed, “are utterly wasted on bringing me my slippers, I’ll tell you that.”

“Well then, maybe,” Pearl blushed, but there was nothing hesitant about her smirk and the strikingly proud tilt of her head, “maybe you could take them off with a bit more care than kicking them halfway across the room and sending them off under the cabinets and- and then I wouldn’t need to do that at all. And I could fix all the zeppelins in the world.”

-

[more from the super secret backroom rebellion meeting]

“They’re with the Consistorial Court of Discipline, no doubt. Always on the lookout for,” Bismuth grimaced, “heretics. A lot falls under that. A lot of good excuses to snatch someone off the street and do who knows what to them. And they’ve been funneling people there, people vanished by the CCD. Not lacking in test subjects lately.”

“How did you get this? Where?” It was Sapphire, this time. Ruby seemed overwhelmed, and sat clutching her hand desperately as the tiny frog and hare both whispered something to her.

“We traced the funding for all this. It was difficult and deliberately obfuscated, but we managed. A facility like this, an entire operation, cost a pretty amount, you’d assume - and you’d be right. It had to come from somewhere. And whoever was paying for it was likely to want to know what was being done with their investment.”

“So we followed the trail. And it turned out I was… ideally positioned to… to, erm, procure what evidence there was to be found. Because, well...” Pearl trailed off, and lifted one of the stolen report sheets for all to see.

It was as clear as day, the family crest right above the astronomical amount being granted. Four diamonds, neatly arranged.

Neshu’s ears were flat against his mane, and Rose found herself wishing the ground would simply open up and swallow both her and him and the chair that she sat on and he’d tried to duck under.

Bismuth spoke up, grim, every drop of earlier exuberance gone from her. “When the Diamonds look out from the windows of their mansion, they don’t see people. They see tools, toys, and weapons. Nothing else.” She sounded more tired than angry. “It’s just what they’ve always been doing, but writ large.”

---

And then, of course, the Longass PearlRose Fixit because I hate the gag order but at the same time want it gone… slowly and organically. Alternating Rose and Pearl POVs spanning throughout the rebellion era, all sorts of flashbacks and Imagining Things included. At one point they end up attempting to essentially jailbreak Pearl, because Pearl is, as we all know, absolutely the most hardcore. Also thank you SU Movie for confirming all the awful Alexa-flavour fanon/headcanons and giving me an excuse to dive into a bunch of Gems-as-AI tropey stuff, on top of everything. [another previously posted fragment here]

“I don’t want to. I never want to do that to you again.” She stops, takes a breath, reconsiders. “And I know it’s a lot to ask of you, the trust I just… trampled over. So I want to make sure that it’s not just that, you trusting me not to make the same mistake again, with no reassurance anywhere. I—I want to not be able to. Nobody should be able to do that to you.”

“Nobody should be able to do that to anyone,” Pearl corrects readily.

“You’re right,” Rose smiles, only a bit wry, “as always. My brilliant, brilliant Pearl. What would I do without you?”

“Never get back to the point you were trying to make, I imagine,” Pearl quips with something resembling sauciness, and Rose feels at least some of the weight starting to lift off her.

“Right,” Rose agrees, chastised, and tries to focus. “I just… I’m not sure how, or what I need to do at all. It’s not like there’s much precedent – ownerless pearls are unheard of. Even when their owners get shattered, it’s only ever temporary, and, with such high demand, very brief.”

Pearl nods in agreement, and hums. “Luckily, we’ve seen plenty of unheard of and unspeakable things here.”

[echoes of Scabbard convo]

“I want to know, I want to be certain, that you’re here because you want to be.” 

“So do I.” Pearl responds quietly, letting their fingers entwine.

  [Giving an order not to follow orders doesn’t work, failsafes exist. Then they try a sort of ownership transfer thing, and try to make the new owner Pearl. It doesn’t register, “invalid transfer target”, even when Pearl tries to hack it - some odd gem tool that scans and pokes at her gem - she gets all bummed out because she can’t even reprogram a very basic and modifiable handheld tool/device to recognise a pearl as an actual gem and person. What chance does she have against hearts and minds and an entire ingrained culture of an entire sprawling empire?

“You changed my mind,” says Rose all softly and earnestly.

Have I really? Pearl asks herself but doesn’t let it escape out loud. Still. Step by small step, she admits to herself. Incremental, slow, but persistent work. She can do that. Even as down on herself as she is, she can do that.]

“The… the override.” Pearl breathes out suddenly.

“What?”

“The administrative override - you, or, well... Pink Diamond should be able to trigger it, even without a Rejuvenator. We shouldn’t…” Pearl looks strangely scared now, swallowing small gulps before pushing onwards, hands trembling and fingers knotting together, “w-we shouldn’t need a full reset, really, but. But we can try modifying the owner identification...”

Having to… turn into Pink again (turn back into yourself, you mean, a small voice whispers, who are you trying to fool) doesn’t sit well with her, of course, but. Get a hold of yourself, Pearl certainly has it so much worse in this scenario.

[more here about how they both need to kind of “revert” a bit to try this and it sucks, because no! unpleasant poking of holes in the elaborate fantasy! For the greater good, but still.]

And oh, Pearl looks just about ready to either cry with some strange terror Rose has never seen her display, or dissipate her form on the spot - the small dam of coldly throwing around terms like administrative override activation and owner identification variable providing just enough distance for her to carry on.

“It shouldn’t be too risky if we’re… if you’re careful.”

[Pearl trusts her with everything, her literal entire self - with this thing that is such a blatant violation of her being and her person, that she now wants to turn against itself, using one of the most humiliatingly clearly objectifying aspects of her status as an instrument of her liberation. It is all A Lot.]

Rose remembers, also, with a sting, the way she grumbled and sulked over the gaping pit of guilt in her stomach and refused to even look at the glowing, floating shell Blue was so insistently pushing her towards. She wanted her Pearl back, not whatever White and the others had decided to foist upon her now. Not a pale replacement, nothing they deemed suitable.

-

“Please state preferred customisation options.”

“Come on, Pink,” Blue urges, softly but mercilessly as ever, large hands enveloping Pink almost whole from where they’re planted on her shoulders, “White had her specially made, just for you! And we helped as well - only the best for our Pink. Now it’s up to you to put your finishing touches, as is proper-”

“What for? You’ll just take her away when you feel like it anyway,” she grumbles into her arms, curling up on the floor and resolutely refusing to look even as the glow spreads from the corner of her eye, insistent.

Just as insistent as the awfully familiar little voice. “Please state preferred customisation options.”

“I. Don’t. Care!” But now with a newly noticeable, if strained restraint - not, like her usual, punctuated with a slam of her fist on the floor tiles, perfectly shiny and pink. No, she couldn’t- do something like that again-

“Default setting selected. Please stand by.”

Yellow scoffs and moves to leave. “Come on, Blue. No point to us wasting our time being here if she’s just going to throw one of her tantrums.”

But Blue refuses to leave it at that, and makes sure to cut with parting words, before slinking through the large pink doorway. “I am very disappointed in you, Pink. To act like that, and with White personally making sure you got such a lovely gift even after everything...”

“Waste of good nacre, if you ask me,” Yellow muses from somewhere up above. “At least try not to break this one.” 

The glow intensifies with a hum, and Pink screws her eyes shut and pretends not to see or hear anything. 

By the time she opens them again, the others are gone.

But then there is another presence at her side, hovering just behind, as is proper court protocol. The shuffling of tiny, soft slippers on the polished stone - weren’t pearls supposed to be endlessly, effortlessly quiet?

“Leave me alone,” she preempts quietly. The shuffling moves away.

-

“Please identify yourself.”

Calmly, now, calmly but firmly, just like we planned it. Don’t mess this up now. She’s counting on you. She trusts you. “Pearl.”

“Please state preferred customisation options.”

They’ve discussed this too, of course - extensive (over)preparation and planning down to minutiae is Pearl’s go-to at the best of times, and something she clutches at for comfort at the worst of times. And she’s always, to a sometimes comical extent, despised that ridiculous dress. To a wonderful extent, too, all things considered.

“Revert to last implemented appearance.”

“Settings selected. Please stand by.”

[Of course this doesn’t work because all it does is change the $username$ variable, not the actual identity of the person imprinted: it’s still Rose/Pink, she’s just nicknamed “Pearl” now, but she can still give orders and everything.]

[evolves into Pearl literally hacking herself… the most hardcore of modders]

---

Pearl Playing the Field aka “why not hyper-analyze that one brief shot of the notes and phone numbers in Pearl’s gem and write 9 meet-cutes”. Pearl goes out to “find herself”. Whatever that is supposed to mean. Supposed to be set pre-ASPR, but also extends past it. Ended up with some Bispearl in it too because I am predictable and can absolutely not help myself.

“Your hair is wonderful!” She feels like she almost has to shout to be heard over the din of the bar’s ill-chosen soundtrack, and she doesn’t appreciate it. Definitely not one of her favourite places she’s decided to visit recently. And the ventilation is atrocious.

But still, she’s come all this way, so she may as well make the best of it. And while the preoccupation with hairstyles during first meetings seems like a bit of an odd running theme (can it really be termed a running theme, though, if it’s happened all of two times?), it’s certainly worked in the past (recent, very recent, and hardly bursting with relevant instances, Pearl!). Oh, and this particular one is just too fascinating. Approaching a work of art, Pearl would dare say. Especially, well. Especially when paired with the lovely eyes and striking jawline and strong neck it seems to deliberately be drawing attention to.

Pearl leans on the bar, in the bit of space the woman happily makes for her, and tries to look confident and well-informed, but not smug, no, never smug. “I know... about the, uh, goop, of course. I know how one accomplishes this.”

The woman gives a bemused smile. “Thanks! Not too shabby yourself.” She leans in closer. “I'm actually in school for it.”

“School?” Pearl casts desperately back to what she's heard from Steven and Greg's often hasty instruction. That was for educating human children, wasn't it? She'd put one together for Steven that one time, with desks and a blackboard… and Connie attended one regularly...

“Yeah, kind of a late game career change.” Pearl nods along as she realises - or, rather, remembers - she is absolutely terrible at gauging human ages. “But I thought... after almost 30 years in accounting and not going anywhere I wanted to be going... it’s not like we have all the time in the world, right? So I figured, why not? Go for something I'm actually invested in and that I've always wanted to do, y'know?”

“Oh. Oh yes, yes I do.” And for once, she really does. Well, not the time-related bit, perhaps, but the very particular delight of getting to pursue one’s genuine interests after a long while of being denied? Absolutely. “I’ve done something of the sort myself, actually. Go for it! As they, uh, say.”

The dramatic gesture of almost punching the air with a closed triumphant/defiant fist might have been a tad over the top, but it wins her a smile that doesn’t seem unkind. The woman winks and tips her glass at Pearl, then finishes her drink - something sweet-smelling and almost as colourful as her hair.

“I had a classmate do this one for me, and I did hers after.” Pearl is nodding along again, leaning in to hear better as the woman’s voice dips lower. “I kind of like to experiment, push the limits, go wild with it. Hey. You interested? Promise I won’t go too wild on you.”

Pearl's mind goes blank there for a moment. The woman is… very close, and there are unignorable implications unrelated to hair styling so obvious here even she is picking up on them without issue, and the music hasn’t gotten any quieter. Interested in what, exactly, she wants to ask, but she came here for wild new experiences and exciting novelty, didn’t she, so instead comes out with a rather strangled-sounding: “Eughhhhh...uhhh.... Ye...s?”

The woman’s expression goes serious. “Hey, come on, we don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

---

Forge Showdown AU - aka in a twist of fate Bismuth poofs Rose during their confrontation and revelations happen that change the course of… well, pretty much everything - one of a bunch of AUs where the PD reveal happens earlier and under different circumstances (I had an idea of doing a 5+1 of those at one point).

The glow of the lava coloured the quickly dissipating smoke more orange-red than pale pink, and Bismuth stared numbly at where their revered leader, Rose Quartz herself, had been standing mere moments ago. She’d lashed out, true, but she hadn’t really been expecting the clumsy blow - more of a warning, or underlining a point in their continued argument-turned-fight - to land. In all their many sparring sessions, Rose had never succumbed to something like that, would have never so much as let it brush against her. But she’d been- frozen, distracted… by what? 

There, scraping softly against the ground as it rolled with leftover momentum...

That was not a rose quartz gem.

Bismuth raked her mind feverishly, thought back through the last few, oddly blurred seconds.

“We’re not using this, Bismuth! It’d make us just as bad as them!”

“No! You’re the one who’s as bad as them- look at you, lording over all of us, thinking it’s your right to command me, order me around, like you’re, what, my diamond?”

It… it had to be some kind of imposter, or spy. Right? Some kind of… awful Homeworld plan, trying to tear the Rebellion apart from the inside. Where was Rose, then? The real one? Captured? Being interrogated somewhere, her whereabouts kept strictly secret to minimise the chance of rescue? Shattered? Impossible, they’d never hear the end of the victorious crowing.

When could it have happened? The last few battles and meetings had been nothing out of the ordinary, and Bismuth couldn’t think of anything odd or off about Rose recently at all. Not a single hint or sign that anything was amiss. Not a single misstep. Homeworld would have trained and conditioned its agents well, but Rose- Rose was singular, and utterly one-of-a-kind, and how could they possibly capture all of it so perfectly-

Bismuth startled out of her thoughts as the beginnings of light seemed to gather in the core of the gem, and all but threw herself onto it, encasing it in a bubble.

Rose was rather special, wasn’t she? And not just in what she said or what she did or how she behaved or what she led and encouraged them to do, but… 

Her endless array of wondrous powers. Her sheer strength, overpowering ruby fusions and quartz battalions alike almost single-handedly. The healing which Bismuth herself had been on the receiving, lifesaving end of countless times. The way she called upon the organic creatures of the planet to fight for her, fighting in their name. And then, her regular absences. The way she seemed to know exactly what the Homeworld troops were up to - that wasn’t just some kind of tactical brilliance.

She dared to look at the gem again. Its hue was changed some by the bubble, but that was still in no way a rose quartz gem. No, it was an altogether different shape, but a terrifyingly familiar one.

But it made no sense!

Bismuth ran a slightly trembling hand down her face.

Pearl. Of course, Pearl would have to know, if anyone. About… whatever this was.

But if this, if she was… her, then Pearl-

Bismuth’s insides twisted in horrible ways as the implications began to flitter through her mind, each one worse than the one before it. There was the old call-and-response ringing in her ears, making her feel disoriented and sick with what had to be the beginnings of anger, could grow into a great fury, leaving her unnecessary breaths ragged: Who do you belong to? Nobody!

But-

Not Pearl, then. At least, not at first. Garnet. Garnet would know, and Garnet could See. They’d get to the bottom of this.

---

A metric ton of rebellion era ficlets, vignettes from my eeeEEeeEEeeEEE Bismuth collection mostly, which I’ve been accumulating since 2016 and have only posted some - Pearl, Rose, Garnet, Bismuth centric, occasionally with my takes on namedropped characters, some of which would now need an update to match actual canon.

Snowflake was there, held in Garnet’s arms. The familiar pattern of white speckles on black skin, the tight silver coils of hair sticking out every which way.

“We got her back. She wanted to see you.”

“Me? And you just listened to her? Are you out of your mind? How can I help? Have you taken her to Rose? If her gem- if she-”

“I’m right here!” Snowflake struggled out of Garnet’s hold, and stood up - wobbly, barely upright, but determined, on those legs that ran circles around Homeworld, and ran interference and messages faster than any Wailing Stone, in a pinch. “And I’m fine!”

“You don’t look fine, Snowy- listen, please just-”

Snowflake walked up to her, not stumbling a single time, and, gritting her teeth, looked right at her. The hairline fractures in her gem were visible from here, and Bismuth couldn’t help a wince. “Snowflake, come on-”

“I didn’t tell them anything.”

Bismuth wanted to clutch her to her chest and scream a thousand things at her, but You don’t have to prove anything to me and I’m proud of you and I’m going to make them pay for ever laying a finger on you all waged a war in her throat.

In the end she just settled on holding her close, very gently, until Garnet left, unheard, and came back with Rose, tears already in abundance.

[Later:] “I never properly thanked you, Garnet. For bringing Snowflake back.”

Garnet shrugged. “It was a group effort.”

-

A familiar voice sounded at the entrance to the Forge. “Now come along, it’s just here. Bismuth? Do you have a moment?”

“You know I always have time for you, Pearl,” she called back, putting her current project away. “What did you nee- oh.”

Bismuth blinked.

“Uh... wow,” was the only thing she could manage as pearl after pearl filed into her Forge, soon taking up most of the space around the anvil in impressively neat rows. “New recruits? A whole bunch of you, too.”

“Yes, well,” Pearl made her way to the front of the group, carefully avoiding brushing against the others on her way. She was fidgeting again, long fingers tangling and untangling rapidly, and that was one sure sign of mounting distress. “Garnet and I had planned out an attack on one of Blue Diamond’s supply lines. There was supposed to be a shipment of weapons coming in today, but it turns out it was… pearls.” 

There was something rather off about Pearl’s tone, too. Bismuth made a note to ask later, and do her best to catch her alone.

“Well, all the better for us. Nice to have you all on board.” Her jovial tone was only slightly forced - the pearls all looked like they clearly needed something resembling friendliness, but their skittishness was palpable. She turned towards a pale green pearl right at the front of the group. “Now, what do I call you?”

There was nothing but mild confusion, vague fear, and general quiet shuffling. “No ideas yet? Don’t worry about it! There’s plenty of time to decide and find something that fits.”

[she does indeed manage to talk to Pearl alone, later]

“What’s the real problem, Pearl? You can’t fool me. I can tell something’s wrong.” 

The rather flimsy front finally crumbled at that.

“I just… we- we took out the citrines they’d sent with the shuttle, and Garnet boosted me up so I could force the hatch open and I did, but then...” Pearl let out a distressed little half-sigh half-sob, one hand gesturing weakly. “They were all looking at me so wide-eyed and...”

She took a moment to at least attempt to collect herself.

“I don’t mind having them here, it’s not that at all. It’s just that… we were standing there, with all these newly-made pearls and… obviously I couldn’t just leave them there, in the middle of nowhere! And after what we did, whoever found them, they’d just have them shattered. Because of me. They were compromised. You’ve heard what they do now, haven’t you?”

“Yeah, I’ve heard. They’re the monsters, Pearl, and it’s not on you. It’s not you doing that to pearls, it’s them.”

“But it is on me! It quite literally is because of me, because of what I did, and continue to do. I made myself visible and played at being important and look what it got us,” Pearl was near tears, a frustrated blue colouring her face, “a handful of runaways and the rest being treated worse than ever.” 

The tears were out in full force after that, and Bismuth put an arm around Pearl’s shaking shoulders. “Hey, hey, none of that.”

“We ended up taking them with us, but it feels like… it feels like I forced them to come here. Is it really any better than what Homeworld does? All I did was say you’re going to be rebels instead of you’re going to serve and they never got a say in anything.”

“Have you asked them?”

“They don’t know what-”

“Hey. Just ask them, okay? Ask them what they want. We can help them either way. Of course I’d love them to stay. But it’s not up to me, and if they want to go to wherever it was they were supposed to go- we can do that, too.”

-

[Rose discovers her healing tears in a dramatic fashion - they come up with the idea to make the fountain - and thanks to Save the Light we have a pretty good idea of who lovingly made all those statues]

She gently wiped away some of the chiselling dust with the flat of her thumb, just like a tear. A magnificent, healing, life-giving tear.

This was familiar work. But with none of the endless chafing, none of the hated reminders of her former station - Bismuth couldn’t find anything in herself but reverence. And… inspiration. She was a Gem, stars knew she didn’t need rest, breaks, anything of the sort, but still - this pace wasn’t something she’d felt driven to in a long, long while. All day under the burning summer sun, and every night under the light of her own gem. All alone, as the sanctuary took form under her hands.

To get the curls just right, tiny detail by tiny detail, somehow communicate the softness of those cheeks in stone… it took drawing upon the very depths of her well of skill, because how else could she ever hope to capture the likeness of someone as extraordinary as Rose Quartz?

With small, careful movements, she formed the roundness of the lips that could spit fiery words of rebellion, inspire like no other, scowl fiercely in the heat of battle, smile contagiously, bellow out an outrageous fireside guffaw, murmur comforts so softly, kiss…

And then she did it again, and again, and again.

[in the end, Rose is presented with a veritable shrine to herself]

“Rose? Is something wrong? You… don’t like it?”

“No, no, Bismuth, it’s… it’s incredible.” The smile Rose turned on her was as beautiful as anything, but it wasn’t hard to notice it didn’t quite reach her eyes.

[starryfreckles]

✨ten questions✨

thank you for tagging me fae, grey, and sarah 💛this is three sets of questions so buckle in, this is going to be a long ass post lol but their questions are so good !! i couldnt not respond 🥰grab yourself something to drink, its a whole lot about me... 30 questions about me actually lol

from la twin @fvae​ ✨

#1 If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be ?

a mirabelle. its a mix between an apricot and a plum thats from france and maybe other parts of western europe idk 🤷‍♀️

#2 Free space!! Rant about whatever you’d like

thanks queen, what will i talk about today ?? ooh i know ok not so much a rant but im currently listening to harry potter and the goblet of fire audiobook becuase i wanted to read the stories again. this one is probs one of my favs and so much got left out in the film like DOBBY’S FUCKING ROLE IN IT ! also just the beginning when dudley is on his diet and harry has a fucking stash of food in his room and the weasley’s coming to get him. theres so much more to the story and i know they cant fit the 450 page book into a 2 hour movie but those details are so important for me. theyre part of the world building and we all know im a sucker for world building and character dev. like hell yea storytelling !! but just the wizarding world in general is my pride and joy and means the actual world to me 🥺 also after this one imma listen to order of pheonix becuase SOOOOO many details were left out in that movie and wowow best book but like highkey worst film... ((maybe thats the rant part of this lolol ok this was def a rant LMAOOO)) ok but its a really good one and i just wanted to be in that world again 🥺🥺

#3 If I were to visit your country right now, where would you take me ? What places should I visit ?

right, youd be coming to the southern west coast of the US. if covid wasnt a thing we’d go to a bunch of museums but ART, we are artists 🥰we’d also go to all the open air malls which are super cool and just fun to walk around and window shop. theres the beach for like beachy things lol, more touristy things. but theres also the mountains for hiking and being one with nature. there are a few observatories and telescopes within 2 hour roadtrips and those are cool becuase SPACE and just their location on top of super cool mountains for all the views you could ever want. 

#4 If you came with a label, what would it say ?

« not what you’d expect » or « beware of typos »

#5 If your life was a book, that title would you give this chapter of your life ?

oooh so i this chapter of my life closing soon ((RIP ME)) but i think id be called something like « what do i make ? » or « finding my voice »

#6 What is your stereotype in your friend group ?

oh lordy, im like a mom friend ((hi tasfia if youre reading this lol)), the super organised one that plans things lmaooo

#7 What’s your spirit animal ?

Im an owl or a fox lets be realll

#8 What’s the most unexplainable thing that’s ever happened to you? Does it still happen ?

lol not to get deep and sad but the amount of friends i have somehow managed to push away and lose... uhhh yea it does... im not good with relationships 😔sigh 

#9 What’s your favourite word and it’s meaning ?

extraordinary - adj very unusual or remarkable.

if you break the word down to its compoun words : « extra » and « ordinary » to me its almost as if it should mean something that is incredibly plain but its not, its quite the opposite of that. 

#10 What was something that made you smile this past week ?

i had a bunch of convos with my irl friend and coworker ((about wtfock LOLOLOL and just getting her to start watching skam lol)) that were super hilarious and just really nice 🥰

from @stoffans​ 🌸

#1 What would be the most fitting for you: the sun, the moon or the stars?

I think the moon. it has phases of lightness and darkness...

#2 Where have you felt incredibly out of place?

literally any party or group of people greater than three. im an incredible shy person around people i do not know very well and just sit there awkwardly...

#3 What are the moments in life that make you realise life isn’t all that bad?

when im out with my closest friends or when im making my creative work

#4 Which song makes you feel like you’re floating on a cloud?

visions of gideon by sufjan stevens its so soft and relaxing

#5 Sunset or sunrise?

seeing as im not usually awake fro sunrise lol, imma have to say sunset. i used to live near the beach when i still physically went to uni ((rip covid)) and man those colours and seeing the sun dip into the oceans wowow

#6 Do you like it when people do stuff for you without telling you?

i love that kind of stuff, im an acts of service kind of person and just the little things to show that they thought of me just gets me tbh

#7 Did you ever cheat on your tests in school?

uuhh nei, im a good student 😭

#8 Could you take care of a plant or would it die instantly?

i always had plants in my uni room, they did great 💛

#9 Do you think you’re a difficult person?

emotionally yes, i cant describe what im feeling and im terrible with words in difficult conversations... other than that, im the most indecisive person youll ever meet and pretty easy going.

#10 Give me one word to describe yourself

anticipatory or thoughtful. i guess these two kind go together but i like play out different outcomes in different scenarios and anticipate so much... 

from @grey-mist-exist​ 🍂 ((you tagged me on my main but i wanted to put them all together, i hope you dont mine 💛))

#1 Does your current means of transportation (car/bike/etc.) have a name? What is it?

uhhh so i havent been in a car in about a month soooo imma say my rolly desk chair that i use to zip around me room lol. its from IKEA and its called sporren

#2 If you could learn a language over-night, what language would you choose and why?

ahhh id learn norwegian ngl, dutch is close second. OORRR i stick to my roots and learn vietnamese 🤨 hmmm idkkk there are many languages i would love to learn 😭

#3 If you were an article of clothing, what would you want to be?

id be a jumper, to keep people warm and cozy

#4 You get teleported into a childhood fairy tale / folk story- what tale is it?

peter pan 🥰🥰🥰 my main’s user is enough i think lol

#5 You get the choice between time-travel or travelling to a parallel universe (but only being able to travel one time). Which do you choose?

parallel universe. i want to see how another me is getting on in life. what happens if my parents never moved us out of france 🥺

#6 Sun, moon, stars, or other? Why?

the stars are so interesting and mysterious

#7 If you were a path, what type of path would you be (concrete, cobblestone, dirt road, highway, asphalt, etc.)?

red brick. for the aesthetic lol

#8 How do you know when you’re in love?

i get butterflies in my stomach and my heart drops when they walk in

#9 What is your cellphone wallpaper?

bb fae look ((you already knew this was it but 💛💛)) 

✨🌸💛✨🌸💛this lovely piece of art of my bb is by @jensrolt​ go check out all her other art, its always the cutest thing ever ✨🌸💛✨🌸💛

#10 If you could instantly become an expert in something, what would it be?

expert of molecular cuisine pls. i love cooking and food. that kind of science fascinates me

[monbangisland]

WANT by Lala

Chapter III

PAIRING: Min Yoongi X fem. reader

WARNINGS: None 

Yoongi's P.O.V

I hate mornings, but for some reason I was awake before the alarm went off. I have a meeting with one of the professors, who asked me for help to be a tutor for the newbies who wanted piano lessons, so I had to show up on time. 

I looked at myself in the mirror, pleased with my own image. I sprayed on some cologne and got out of the apartment with just a notebook in hand. I was walking to the Music College when I saw her walking with Park Jimin. They were laughing and smiling so wide. She looked so comfortable around him. He had his arm around her shoulders and was talking to her with a sweet voice, one that I hated so much. To be honest, I didn't like him. He's always so flirty and pretends to be so kind. Everybody has a good image of Park Jimin. And just because he's sweet, nobody talks shit about him, even though he might be worse than me. This brat isn't going to steal what's mine, not this time.

I decided to walk behind them, trying to listen to their convo. He was telling her about the crazy night he had. She laughed at every single joke he made or stupid face he did, and it was starting to piss me off.

Suddenly he started to ask her about the welcome party, fueling my interest for her answer. So I just focused on trying to catch their pace, that way I could listen to what she had to tell him.

"So, how was it? Did you like it?" - he asked her and looked at her with a small grin plastered on his face.

"It wasn't that bad. I'm just not used to it yet" - she replied looking a bit uncomfortable.

"Did you speak with somebody else? Aside from Namjoon hyung?" - he asked with interest.

"Yup, a few girls and guys, but they just made small conversation and left to join their friends. And…" - she stopped, as if she was thinking what to say next.

"And? Oh come on, you met someone, didn't you?" - Jimin started to tickle her making her giggle like a little girl. 

"Jimin stop that and yes I did but I don't think he's important" - she replied still giggling at Jimin's previous acts.

"Who is this 'non important' guy? Hm" - Jimin was smirking again. Agh, I wanted to erase that smirk so badly from his face.

"I-it was Mi…"- she was about to say my name when Kim Namjoon joined them. 

" Good morning Jimin and Y/N, how are you today?" - the guy smiled at them with his dimple. Bro, why this Y/N has to be friends with so many irritable people. This is going to be harder than I thought.

"We're good hyung, I was asking her about how she felt last night" - Jimin replied to his older friend.

"Oh, about that, where were you yesterday Y/N? I looked for you like crazy and you were nowhere to be found" - Namjoon asked her.

"Oh I left early, I wasn't in the mood" - she said a little bit ashamed. 

"You should have come to me, I'm sure your perspective would have been different” - he told her and gave her a warm smile. 

“I thought of going to you but you seemed to be busy” - she replied without looking at him. 

When he was about to reply to her I just started walking faster, I had enough of that silly conversation. Before I entered the college, I glanced at her. She was saying goodbye to Jimin. I smiled to myself and kept on walking. She was going to be alone now, so it was my chance. 

I went directly to Mr. Son’s office, he was one of the best composers and the best professors I ever had during my years in this college. Since I was one of the best students in the whole school, he asked me to help him and I immediately agreed. I was so honored and excited to be chosen by him, even though he complained about my behaviour sometimes. He had told me that if I finish my last year with good grades and the students are satisfied with my job as their tutor, he would help me enter one of the most famous conservatories in Germany. So, if I wanted to keep up with my dream, I had to work hard for that.

“Good morning Mr. Son” - I greeted him politely.

“Oh, Mr. Min! It’s good to see you. Right on time. I thought you’d come late as always” - he said to me with his serious, raspy voice.

“No Mr. Son, I’m doing my best this semester” - I said to him in a professional tone.

“Well, this is a good start. I hope you can keep it up the whole semester” - he just looked at me through his glasses.

“I will, Mr. Son” - it’s all I could say to him.

“Let’s get started then. Here, I have the list of the new students who asked for piano lessons. I made this list with the hours they have available so you can choose the student or students that you can tutor according to your schedule” - he handed me a paper with ten names on it. A name immediately called my attention, it was her name. I saw her schedule and fortunately mine fitted perfectly with hers. Bingo! This is one in a million chance, no one around us, just me and her. I checked the others’ schedule and selected another student, a random guy. 

“I checked my schedule and I chose the students. One is going to be Choi Sejun and the other one is going to be Y/L/N Y/N” - I spoke with a serious tone.

“Ok, that’s all. Please, be on time to their lessons and do your best. I’ll see you every Friday to check on their progress. The lessons start today, and you’ll be seeing them twice a week” - he said while he was writing down my name in two different papers.

“Yes Mr. Son, I’ll be there on time. Is there anything else I can help you with?” - I started to stand up from my seat. 

“Oh no Mr. Min, that’s all. You can leave now, I will notify both of the students your name and the place where the piano lessons will be held.” - he started to get up from his seat and fixed his glasses.

“Thank you so much Mr. Son, I’ll see you the next Friday” - I bowed and left his office.

Perfect, I had to wait until three o’clock to see her, during this time I started to think how to get closer to her. This won’t be easy but it’ll be worth it. 

My morning went by smoothly. Just the typical stuff for first days. Professors introducing their lectures, telling the students how the classes are going to be evaluated and so on. Finally, it was lunch time, I was walking to the cafeteria when I heard heels coming in my direction. 

“Oh hello there, Min Yoongi” - it was her, Im Yoora. I had a one night stand with her last year, at the school’s Christmas party. After that she became obsessed with me. I mean, who wouldn’t, I have amazing abilities: I’m a great rapper, I’m having vocal lessons too, I’m great with the piano, and in bed, that’s just a plus. Every girl I sleep with always come back, why? because they want more. But unfortunately, I don’t sleep with the same girl twice. It’s my rule.

“What do you want?” - I asked her coldly.

“Ouch, why so cold? Aren’t you happy to see me?” - she came closer and placed her hand on my chest.

“No, I’m not” - I pulled her hand from my body. I was disgusted.

“Oh come on, Yoongi, we had fun that day. Have you forgotten about it?” - she placed her hand again on my chest and came closer to me.

“Yeah, maybe I did” - it was all I could say.

“Well maybe you need a reminder” - she closed the gap between us and kissed me harshly. I was shocked, what the hell was wrong with this bitch. I didn’t kiss her back, I didn’t want to, but in that moment someone caught my eyes. It was her, she was looking at us, a  shocked expression on her face. I pushed Yoora and looked back at Y/N. She just started walking fast and pretended she hadn’t seen anything. 

“What the hell is wrong with you? I told you I don’t sleep with the same person twice. Are you dumb? Or are you deaf?” - I was pissed, this scene was going to cost me. If Y/N saw the kiss, I’ll have to work harder to take her into my bed. Shit, I wasn’t expecting this.

“But Yoongi…” - Yoora said a little bit nervous

“No buts, I was clear to you. ONLY ONCE. Now, get out of my way, I need to have lunch IN PEACE” - I walked past her without looking back.

“You’re going to regret this Min-” - that’s the last thing I heard from her. 

Me? Regretting? Pfff, this bitch was nuts. I never regret anything I do. I just scoffed at her last phrase.

During lunch time I could feel someone looking at me. I turned my head to the right and I caught her looking. It was a pleasant feeling, and honestly, that’s what I wanted. To get her attention. When I met her eyes she just turned her head back to her food. This girl is so fun to tease. I kept on glancing at her, and she kept on looking at me. Our game was getting interesting, but as always, Mr. “Perfection” entered the scene. He came to her with a huge dimple smile, how much I hated him. He sat next to her and started to ask her about her first day, getting closer to her once in a while. What the hell? This can’t be possible, he can’t like her. She’s going to be mine first. After that, she can go to Namjoon. I stayed in the cafeteria a few more minutes, eating the last piece of my sandwich slowly. Glancing at her once again, I took my stuff and walking by next to them, even if I could go in the other direction. I could feel her glare on my back. Just as I wanted it to be.

The rest of the afternoon went by slowly. I was bored as fuck and the anxiety was killing me. Finally it was 2:45 p.m. so I started to walk to the music hall. I took my time and walked slowly. Even though I walked as slow as I could, I was there five minutes before the scheduled time. I entered the hall and saw her sitting at the piano, looking at it delighted. Her hair was behind her ears, exposing her neck. Her scent, filling the whole room, was intoxicating. Focus Min, you have to control yourself. I coughed and she turned her head to looked at me with those big eyes. Fuck, I felt exposed. 

“We meet again, Y/N” - I finally spoke.

“Hello, Min Yoongi” - was all she said.

“Are you ready to start the lesson?” - I looked at her in the eyes, but she couldn’t keep the eye contact. I smiled a little bit at this thought.

“Yes, I am” - again she wasn’t speaking too much. Maybe it was her normal self. Yesterday she had a few beers, maybe that’s why she was so talkative. 

“Ok, let’s begin. First of all, do you play another instrument or are these your first lessons?” - I asked professionally. 

“I play the Cello” - she replied and moved to the side so I could take a seat next to her.

“Cello? Interesting, so why do you want to learn piano?” - I looked at her, her face was a little bit red.

“Personal matters” - she said and cleared her throat. Wow, I wasn’t expecting that answer, I was trying to make conversation but she would cut it off. Ok then, I’ll just impress her with my skills.

“Ok, so let’s get started” - those were my last words before I turned into the ‘professional’ tutor.

While I was explaining some things to her, I made contact physically with her. I slightly touched her hand, every once in a while. She moved her hand away sometimes, but she never rejected the contact completely. I was a little bit impressed with her, she was a fast learner and was pretty smart too, I could see that. I complimented her a few times and I got the reaction that I was expecting. She blushed and looked away and just replied with a simple “thank you”. I taught her an easy sequence, this was for her to move her hands easily along the piano and for her to recognize the piano keys. 

I stood up and went to stand right next to her, watching intently. She looked good in her black sweater and those gray jeans. She was wearing boots too, that defined her legs well. She didn’t have a super complex look, but she somehow looked amazing. She messed up a few times making me go back to reality.

“Hey, is everything ok? You were doing pretty well” - I said to her.

“Sorry, I just forgot the last part of the sequence” - she said and looked at me.

“Let me help you with that” - I came closer to her and leaned. I placed my hands over hers and looked at her “may I?” - she didn’t looked at me and just nodded. I took her hands and started to lead them over the piano. I brought my face closer to her ear, and started to speak softly.

“Just follow my lead” - I could feel her perfume, intoxicating but fascinating. She again just nodded but didn’t try to pull away. 

“See, you’re doing it amazing” - I whispered in her ear. I could feel a shiver going up my spine, I was getting too excited maybe but I was pleased. I could feel her body tensing up, the blush in her cheeks was so intense now, it was working.

“You’re good, Y/N” - when I said that, she looked at my eyes. That look was filled with a lot of emotions: confusion, nervousness, happiness but the most important, desire. She pulled her hands away from mine, she was totally nervous. 

“C-can we stop here today? I have some things to do” - she was looking to the other side of the room.

“Of course Y/N, as you wish” - my voice was a raspy whisper. I got what I wanted today.

“O-ok, see you next thursday and thanks for your patience” - she said as she grabbed her things

“It was my pleasure, Y/N” - I gave her a small smile. She looked at me again and just bowed before exiting the hall. 

I smiled again to myself, this is going to be easy. There’s no way she’s going to say no to me, I’ll just keep on making small things like this until she begs for more. With that thought on mind, I left the hall with a proud smirk on my face. I was going to win this game, just as always.

A/N: thanks for the love and support you’re giving to this story. If you like the story please give me some feedback about it, I would be glad to see some of your comments. I’ll work harder and please support my friend GF too, will try to post as much as we can. 

Thank you again for your love

Lala

[neocityarchive]

TY: Today [12:48 AM]

Taeyong was the last one to step out of the car. He stormed into the dorm, dropping his bag carelessly on the floor before plopping himself on the couch with a loud sigh.

“Congratulations, Jae,” he said, his tone almost sarcastic, “Y/N would probably go out with you if you ask.”

“I-what?” Jaehyun frowned. “I wasn’t going to…” his voice drifted into Taeyong’s subconscious.

Jaehyun... with his perfect hair and charming personality. Jaehyun who is so talented about everything. Jaehyun who has everything, maybe soon, including Y/N. He has never been someone Taeyong was envious of. He is amazing and arguably perfect, but he knows and accepts their differences. So why does he feel like this now?

“What’s wrong?” Taeil, who also just came home from a different schedule, asked.

Taeyong didn’t answer. Everyone else remained silent, wary of the atmosphere in the room, except for Doyoung.

“You’ve been in a bad mood since you got back from your meeting with Y/N noona,” he said, looking at his hyung with a mixture of concern and slight annoyance.

“Did something happen?” Jaehyun asked.

Taeyong was just staring at blank space. “I honestly have no idea,” he muttered. “She walked out on me.”

“Why?” they all asked.

“I said, I don’t know.” He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “We were fine one minute, and then she suddenly stormed out. She says she’s not gonna see me for another year and a half.”

“She won’t storm out for no reason,” Doyoung said. “What exactly happened?”

Taeyong glared at his dongsaeng who wasn’t even fazed one bit. Besides him, Doyoung is probably the one Y/N is closest to among the group. They started bonding over Billie Eilish and it spiraled from there. Sometimes, he just hates it.

He let out a breath. “Fine,” he mumbled to himself.

He told them about everything, from when she overheard things at the practice room. Meeting her in the lobby, going to the rooftop. He left out the part where he says Jae is not right for her and when he put her hands in his hoodie pocket. He told them about what she said as he remembered it, and about her saying she’d take a shot at Jaehyun before telling him ‘see you in a year and a half.’

When he finished, Doyoung, Yuta, and Johnny exchanged knowing looks.

“You two owe me 5,000 won,” Yuta told them with a smirk on his face.

“What’s this about?” Taeyong frowned, watching the exchange of cash happening in front of him.

“We bet between ourselves who among you and Y/N would confess first. Obviously, he won,” Johnny said, his face disappointed. He turned to me and spitefully said, “Honestly, I expected more from you, Taeyong.”

“What?” Taeyong frowned even more. “What do you mean confess?”

“She likes you, hyung,” Jaehyun said with a gentle smile. “And she’s right. Apparently, you are naive.”

Yuta rolled his eyes. “Idiot!” he exclaimed. “Didn’t you listen to what she said? Everything she likes in a guy is probably everything you are, you ignorant ass. What else could that mean?”

“She likes you,” Doyoung said, “and not just as a friend. I’m surprised you didn’t notice. She wasn’t exactly very subtle about it.”

“You knew?” Taeyong’s eyebrows furrowed at Doyoung.

“Of course,” he answered. “I’ve known for months. Why do you think we became close?”

“I just…” Taeyong sighed. “I don’t get it.”

“She likes you,” Taeil said. “I don’t even know what happened today, but I know she likes you.”

“Then why didn’t she just say so?” Taeyong kicked the coffee table in frustration. It was made of sturdy wood so it didn’t do much damage, but it did make him more irritated.

A chorus of groans went around the room.

“Idiot!” Yuta shouted, throwing a pillow forcefully at him. “God, I want to throw you out the window.”

“Do we still have to make you realize that you like her, too?” Jaehyun asked.

“I…” He let out a deep breath, both lost for words and completely lost.

Contrary to popular belief, Taeyong never had the chance to date anyone. He came to the company even before he found the confidence to go out and try to be someone’s boyfriend. He never imagined himself being with anyone. It was just know he realized that maybe it’s because he was always with someone…

Her. She’s always been there for him, from middle school, to his audition, to when he passed, to when he cried after his first evaluation, to their debut, to when the fame is starting to drain him, to their first win, to all his ups and downs as an individual. She was there.

Maybe he never realized what it was, but he always wondered about the warm feeling he gets when Y/N suddenly visits him in the practice room or in the waiting room of music shows. He always wondered why it feels so good to hear her voice on the phone when he’s tired or when he’s miles away from home. He always wondered why he always wanted to hold her close and why it hurts when she already has to go. He always thought it was probably because she reminded him of home so much. She was so familiar. But he didn’t realize until now that she felt like home… because she’s been his for so long.

“I have to talk to her,” Taeyong said, getting up from his seat, suddenly filled with passion. He was already about to leave, when they all stopped him.

“Where are you going?” Johnny asked, already blocking his way. “You can’t leave. It’s past midnight.”

“You guys were right. I was too stupid to realize how I feel. But now that I do,” Taeyong shook his head, “I can’t let her go.”

“Even if you do realize that, it’s too late,” Doyoung said, glaring at him. “She’s leaving for New York. We’re headed to Japan early in the morning and she won’t be here when we get back. There’s no way you’ll get out of this dorm.”

Taeyong felt helpless. He looked around his group of friends, suddenly thankful the younger ones aren’t here. It’s hard enough for the hyung line to see their leader emotionally crumble in front of them.

“I can’t just–“ he swallowed the lump in his throat, “I can’t just sit here and do nothing.”

“Like I said, it’s too late,” Doyoung sighed. “Sorry, hyung. Maybe you’ll get the chance again... in a year and a half.”

Taeyong sank back to the couch, covering his face with his hands. His breath was shallow and so were his tears. He could feel the eyes of his members boring into him, but at this point, he couldn’t care less.

“I guess I had this coming,” he muttered.

“Hyung, just text her,” Jaehyun said. “She’ll probably still read your messages.”

Taeyong shook his head. “Just… leave me alone for now, guys,” he said.

With reluctant looks and hesitant steps, everyone left the living room and went to bed one by one, leaving Taeyong alone with his thoughts that carry knives, stabbing him again and again.

This is how it ends, he thought to himself, This is how I’ll lose my best friend and my soulmate in one night.

Today [2:01 AM]

Today [7:01AM]

“... and an iced Americano, please.” I smiled at the barista.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m not sure I even slept at all.

I was already worried about leaving. I couldn’t sleep because the anxiety of living in a country I’ve never been to, with people I don’t know was eating me alive. Then my phone started vibrating nonstop at my bedside table.

Taeyong called me four times last night, but I didn’t answer. I made the mistake of unlocking my phone, forgetting that it was going to open to my conversation thread with him so I accidentally marked it read. I stared at our convo for the longest time, typing and erasing. I did that for half an hour before realizing there was nothing more I wanted to tell him.

So when he called and texted, I just… laid there, and waited for it to stop.

I came to the airport today with a different feeling. Somehow, I felt fresh. Like I’m leaving a part of me that I don’t need anymore. I checked my luggage in and claimed my boarding pass. With more than half an hour of waiting time, I decided to get myself some coffee.

And now, I’m here.

I’ve decided that once I’ve stepped on that plane, I’ll forget about everything. About last night. About ever having feelings for my best friend. About being lonely.

I’ve decided to stop forcing myself where I’m not wanted. And I’m actually ashamed it took me so long, but I’ve finally decided to set myself free.

DY: Today [7:24 AM] 

Doyoung was tired. He hates early morning schedules. It sucks worse today because Haechan is uncharacteristically energetic in the morning, which means he’s making Doyoung’s life miserable. The maknae might not have gotten any sleep for the fear of his face bloating, so he’s just running on caffeine.

“Alright,” their manager said when they reached their gate. His mouth moved slightly as he silently counted the heads of the people from the group. “...six, seven,” he muttered silently before frowning. “Seven? Who’s missing?”

“Jungwoo and Sicheng went to the restroom,” Taeil said.

“That’s nine. Who’s the other one?”

Doyoung looked at the group, doing a mental checklist of the members, scanning their sleepy faces. “Taeyong hyung,” he mumbled, “he was here a while ago, wasn’t he?”

“Oh!” Yuta’s hands suddenly shot up. His eyes were a bit puffy from the lack of sleep and his voice was still a bit slurry. “He left like five minutes ago. He said he’s gonna come back. I told him to wait till we find our gate, but–” he yawned “–he said it’s important. I was too tired to stop him.”

Doyoung felt a tingle across his spine. He didn’t have a good feeling about this. Taeyong hyung hasn’t been doing well since last night. He knew from the moment he stood up to leave that he won’t let her get away that easily. Most of the time, his passion is admirable and good for the team, but this is clearly not one of those times.

Y/N leaves today. Doyoung couldn’t remember what time her flight was exactly, but he knew it was early in the morning, too. He had a weird feeling that this has something to do with her, which probably means this won’t end well.

“We have to find him,” he told everyone.

“He’s just probably getting coffee or something,” Johnny said, “which reminds me, I have to get some coffee.” He looked at the manager carefully, his expression hopeful.

“Fine, do what you want,” the manager said with an exhausted sigh. “Just find Taeyong and get back here as soon as you can.”

“I’ll come,” Doyoung said.

Yuta and Jaehyun decided to go as well. They haven’t even taken ten steps away from their gate when Jaehyun nodded towards something in the other direction. “Found him,” he said.

They all turned to look. Taeyong was there, alright. And he was with her. They were more or less a hundred feet away from them. The two of them didn’t look like they cared about the people passing by or the looks they’re being given or what was happening around them. They were engulfed in their own little world, and that… confused the hell out of everyone else.

“That’s not Taeyong,” Johnny muttered. “Taeyong would never do that. But it looks like Taeyong and that’s Y/N. Right??? Who is he and what has he done to our Taeyong?”

“They’re so close to each other. What is happening?” Jaehyun asked with the biggest frown on his face.

“That’s it,” Yuta said, suddenly not sleepy at all, “we broke Taeyong. Now he’s all… brave. What happened?”

“I think you called him an idiot too much last night,” Johnny said.

“You are the idiots,” Doyoung grumbled. “She happened. Finally.”

Today [7:13 AM]

I was halfway through my coffee, walking around the airport, just looking at the different shops, and not straying too far from my gate. There’s more or less 20 minutes before boarding time, but my feet are restless.

I stopped in front of a souvenir shop that sells fridge magnets and keyrings displaying the different attractions of South Korea. I was just thinking of buying one to bring to New York when I felt someone beside me.

“What did I say about leaving without saying goodbye?” he asked.

I turned to look. “Wha–what–how… what are you doing here?” I stammered, frowning at Taeyong who seemed unfazed as he continued to stare at the shop window.

I don’t know if it’s because of the coffee or his unexpected appearance, but my heart was pounding again. I looked around to see if anyone else was with him, but apparently he was alone.

He looked at me. His face was puffy, maybe from the lack of sleep. His eyelids drooped lower than usual. He looked tired. He sounded tired. “Are you seriously just going to disappear for that long without saying goodbye?”

I looked away, not wanting to meet his eye. “I told you last night I was gonna’ see you in a year and a half,” I mumbled.

“You didn’t even respond to any of my messages,” he said, “and you expect me to just be okay with it?”

I let out a hollow laugh. “After everything I said last night, I had nothing left to tell you,” I answered, forcing myself to look at him.

But he looked away.

“Here,” I said, handing him my coffee, “You look like you need some. It’s still so early.”

He just glared at it. “I don’t need your death drink. I need you to talk to me.”

“I have nothing to say to you, and I’m leaving in like fifteen minutes, so...”

I turned on my heels and started walking away. Taeyong followed immediately. His longer legs didn’t make it hard for him to catch up, and soon we were just walking side by side.

“What are you even doing here? How did you find me?” I grumbled. I threw my coffee to the nearest bin I could find, suddenly not in the mood to ingest anything.

“I wasn’t exactly looking for you. I didn’t know you were leaving today because you never told me, remember?” he said sarcastically. “We have a flight, too. I sneaked off as soon as I saw you.”

“You’re not allowed to do that,” I said blatantly. His friends and managers must be looking for him by now. “You know what, just go. I have to get back to my gate.”

“I have to talk to you,” he said.

I could tell that he was growing impatient. His tone was no longer sweet and soft like how it is when he talks about the things he loves. It's deeper, more serious, and a bit intimidating.

I didn't want him to get mad. But I know that if I stayed and talk, leaving would become ten thousand times harder than it already is. 

“You should’ve done that last night,” I said before walking away again.

This time, he didn’t follow. He just stood there, frozen, watching me. That’s what I thought at least. So I was so shocked when suddenly…

“Y/N!” Taeyong shouted, his voice dominating every other sound in the airport.

I stopped walking and so did a few others who were also startled by his scene. I closed my eyes partly in embarrassment, partly wishing I could die.

Some of the people passing by threw dirty looks at him while some just looked so confused. Somehow, I’m a bit of both.

I turned around slowly. "What do you want Taeyong?" I moaned.

He was already walking towards me. "Please stop walking away from me," he said.

"Then stop making me," I retorted.

He sighed. "Fine. If you won't let me talk, then just put this on." He handed me one of his airpods and put the other one on his ear.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes," he said, dead serious, already scrolling through his phone.

Hesitantly, I put the airpod on. For a moment, there was nothing. I watched as Taeyong kept browsing his playlist and until he found what he was looking for.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to understand what you meant." His voice was suddenly soft again. How he switches so quickly, I have no idea. "But I hope you didn't give up on us just yet."

He tapped something before putting his phone on the back pocket of his jeans. Suddenly, Easier by Bruno Major started playing.

"Dance with me," he said, holding out his hand, "like we did at the practice room."

My cheeks felt hot, but my eyes nearly popped off of my head. "Dance with you?!" I asked. "Here? Are you serious?!?!"

Just because it won't come easily, doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

He took my hand even without a proper answer. "I like you," he said, gently pulling me towards him. "And I don't mean as a friend. I feel like I have to say it as it is because apparently we always tend to miscommunicate when it comes to this. So, yeah…"

"Taeyong," I breathed, my voice weak. "People are staring at us."

"Y/N," he said, glaring down at me. He had that funny expression that is a mixture of a frown and a smile. It sounds weird but God he looks good doing it. "I don't care."

"But--"

"Look, I was stupid," he said. "I was afraid of what I feel. I know this isn't how I'm supposed to feel about you. This isn't how friends are supposed to feel about each other. But you were right. We've gone past that point and I was too stupid to realize it. I like you."

My mind was racing but I couldn't process a single word of what he just said. I kept looking at the people around us.

A lot of them looked this way for at least 2 seconds before minding their own business again. I even overheard someone asking if there was a drama shoot going on. They didn't care for the most part, but still...

"Okay, but do we have to do this here?" I asked bluntly.

He rolled his eyes. "I'm trying to prove a point here, Y/N. Just trust me."

I couldn't help but laugh. "This is ridiculous," I said, pressing my face against his chest.

“But you love it," he replied. I could feel his whole torso vibrate as he spoke.

His arm was on my back while his other hand held onto mine tightly. We were slow dancing in the middle of the airport to a music only we could hear. If someone told me yesterday that I would do this today, I would never have believed them.

My whole body was shaking. My knees felt weak. But somehow, the way he's holding me right now makes me feel less vulnerable, safe.

"You have tried my patience lately, but I'm not about to let us fail," he sang along.

I took a small step back to look at him. "Are you sure though?"

He frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Do you really like me or are you just saying that because of my big pathetic confession last night?" I asked.

Taeyong chuckled lightly. "Didn't you listen to a word I just said?"

"I'm sorry. I'm so distracted," I muttered. "But like, are you sure?"

"You tell me," he said, his voice almost a whisper, “You have no idea how much I wanted to kiss you every time you're this close to me.”

"I guess that's a yes." I smiled before closing the distance between us, planting my lips unto his. His hand that was previously holding mine went to my jaw, slowly caressing my cheek as he pulled me even closer. My arm went around his neck. It was soft, tender, sweet. For someone without much practice, he's a pretty good kisser. Better than I ever imagined.

We pulled away, breathless.

"I like you, too," I breathed. "Just to be clear."

Taeyong laughed.

As if on cue, they began announcing the boarding of my flight.

"Is that…?" he asked when the announcement ended.

I nodded. The amount of joy I felt a few seconds ago immediately evaporated at the thought of leaving.

"I'll walk you to your gate?"

I just nodded again. My chest feels heavier now than it did when I first got here. Why is it worse? 

I began walking, Taeyong falling into step right beside me. He quietly slipped his hand into mine. We have held hands before, but somehow, this felt different. Better and worse at the same time.

"What does this make us?" I asked.

"Us," he answered without thinking. "We'll figure out the labels later."

I nodded.

In front of us, I saw four of his friends walking towards our way. For a moment, I waited for Taeyong to pull his hand away from mine, take a step back, and avoid eye contact like he always does when they appear. But he didn't. Instead he held onto my hands tighter.

My heart melted, and I swear I wanted to cry so bad, but I’ve had too much public display of emotion for a day.

"What did we miss?" Doyoung asked as soon as he was within hearing range, looking at our hands intertwined.

"Nothing," Taeyong muttered. "I saw you brats watching us from afar even a while ago."

"Pfft, us?" Johnny frowned. "No."

"We're not," Jaehyun said.

"So are you two…?" Yuta pointed at me then at Taeyong then at me again.

We just smiled.

"I have to go," I said. "They've announced for my flight twice already. I'm gonna miss you guys, honestly. I hope you take a break from prison once in a while."

"We'll miss you too," Doyoung said.

"Stop calling it prison," Yuta grumbled.

"Can you guys give us a moment?" Taeyong asked.

"Sure," they all answered, but no one moved a muscle.

"Alone." Taeyong glared at them. "I'll just meet you at the gate."

"Right." They all scrambled but stopped walking after a few meters away.

Taeyong turned to me.

"Go with them," I said. "I don't think I can watch you watch me leave. You'll just make me cry."

"I knew you were gonna say that." He sighed. "Take care of yourself while you're there, okay? And always call me."

"What are you, my mom?"

He pouted slightly.

"Of course, I will," I said. "Take care of yourself, too. I won't be around to visit you."

"What are you, my mom?" he mocked, imitating ny tone.

I hit him lightly in the chest. "I'll kill you if you get injured."

"I know." He chuckled. "I'll miss you. I'm allowed to say it now right?"

Before I could stop myself, I wrapped my arms around his neck once again, burying my face at the crook of his neck.

Taeyong grunted in surprise, but wrapped his arms around my waist immediately. It was almost too perfect.

"I'll miss you too," I mumbled against his shirt.

They started announcing for my name specifically.

"Now, I really have to leave," I said as I let go. I started walking away, but Taeyong held onto my hand. "No goodbyes."

"None," he agreed, finally letting me go.

"See you in a year and a half?"

He shook his head. "I'll make sure to see you in less."

- 끝 -

prev | next

[four-loose-screws]

Chrom / Olivia Supports - Localization vs. the Original Japanese

FE Game Script Translations - FE Novel Translations - Original FE Support Conversations - Ko-fi

In this post series, I’m analyzing all of Chrom’s supports to see if he was any different in the localization!

———————————

C Support

This convo is actually almost entirely the same as the Japanese, but Chrom’s monologue is a bit different. The localization added a couple of sentences, and “I'll find a way to break through if it kills me!” sounds much more forceful than the Japanese.

Japanese:

[クロム] (Chrom)

あ…オリヴィエ！？▼ Ah... Olivia!?

…やれやれ。俺は仮にも王族… (...Jeez. I’m supposed to be royalty...) そして一軍の指揮官だぞ？▼ (and the commander of this army!) 兵士たちの先頭に立ち、常に大衆を率いて (As a person who) いかなくてはならない立場にいる者が、▼ (takes the lead before the soldiers and always guides this large group,) 仲間との会話ひとつまともにできなくて、(if I can’t even have a single full conversation with my friends,) 一体どうするって言うんだ…？▼(Just what do I have to say for myself...?) 特にオリヴィエとはあまり (Olivia in particular) 打ち解けられていない気がしたから、▼ (doesn’t seem able to be relaxed with me,) 何とか心を開いて欲しいんだがな…▼ (so I really want to do what it takes to get her to open up to me...)

Localization:

Chrom: Er, Olivia? ...Gods, I'm supposed to be the leader of Ylisse and commander of the army. If I can't even talk to my soldiers properly, how am I going to rule my subjects? Or inspire people? Or forge alliances with other nations? But every time I try to talk to Olivia, it ends in this awkward silence... Well, no more. I'll find a way to break through if it kills me!

B Support

In the Japanese, Chrom doesn’t try to tell a joke to get Olivia to open up, he just says he wants to try to continue conversing with her. This makes his lines a little different.

Japanese:

[クロム] (Chrom)

あそこにいるのはオリヴィエ…▼ (There’s Olivia, over there...)

よし、今日こそは (Okay! Today,)

会話を続けてみせるぞ。▼ (I’m definitely going to continue talking to her!)

あいつが心を開いてくれるように…！▼ (So that she opens up her heart...!)

これもまた、王族として、(This is also one of my duties)

指揮官としての務めだ！▼ (as royalty and commander!)

(暗転) (screen fades out and back in)

[クロム] (Chrom)

オ、オリヴィエじゃないか。▼ (W-Well, if it isn’t Olivia?)

今日は一人で何をしているんだ？▼ (What are you doing here all by yourself?)

Localization:

Chrom: Ah, there's Olivia now... ...Right! Today I shall be charming and witty, and we will talk of this and that. I'll make her forget her painful shyness as we quickly become fast friends. Maybe a joke would lighten things up. Friendly ribbing always puts me at ease... Ha ha! Why, if it isn't Olivia! Ha ha! Here by yourself again?

And some more...

Japanese:

[クロム] (Chrom)

…そ、そんなに自分を (...Y-You don’t have to) 卑下しなくたっていいじゃないか。▼ (be so humble, you know.) 別に踊りが踊れなくても追い出したりは (Even if you didn’t dance, I wouldn’t) しないぞ？▼ (kick you out!)

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

…す、すみません…▼ (...S-Sorry...)

[クロム] (Chrom)

い、いや…すまん、(N-No, don’t  be... Sorry,) 責めているわけじゃない。▼ (I didn’t mean to criticize you.) …それにしても偉いな、オリヴィエは。▼ (...Actually, you’re amazing, Olivia.) 確かに、日々の稽古なしには (If you didn’t practice every day,) オリヴィエの見事な踊りは生まれないよな。▼ (then you wouldn’t create such stunning dances!)

Localization:

Chrom: Ha ha! Oh, Olivia, what a wit you are! But you mustn't sell yourself short. If you were a poor dancer, I'd just kick you out of the Shepherds!

And then at the end, Olivia doesn’t come up with an excuse to get away, she just excuses herself and leaves.

Japanese:

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

いえ、あの…その…！▼ (No, uh... um...!)

…し、失礼しますっ！▼ (...E-Excuse me!)

[クロム] (Chrom)

あっ、おい、オリヴィエ！？▼(Um, hey, Olivia!?)

(オリヴィエ消える) (Olivia disappears)

[クロム] (Chrom)

…行ってしまったか。(...She’s gone, huh.)

まだオリヴィエは…緊張していたな。▼ (She’s still... nervous.)

まぁ、今日は前回よりは (Oh well, I was able to talk to her a little longer than before, so)

会話が続いたし、もう少し頑張ってみるか。▼ (I’ll keep trying for a little longer.)

Localization:

Olivia: I am?! Ah, SORRY! I mean... Um... I think I left the campfire burning! Gotta go!

Chrom: No, wait! Olivia! ...That girl is a puzzle. Still, we actually exchanged a few words today. I suppose that's progress.

A Support

In this support, the changes are mostly in Olivia’s dialogue.

The localization in this line implies that Olivia couldn’t dance in front of Chrom specifically, but in the Japanese, she specifically said she can’t continue dancing in front of anyone.

Japanese:

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

そ、そんな…私、誰かに見られていたら、(U-Um... If I’m seen by anyone,)

とても稽古なんて続けられません…▼ (I can’t continue practicing at all...)

Localization:

Olivia: Y-you mean dance...in front of you? Ah ha ha! Hee hee! Hoooooo... N-no. I couldn't possibly. 

Then here, Olivia says in the English that she can dance in front of people in battle because it’s spontaneous, but in the Japanese, it’s because it’s work, so she has to put up with it.

Japanese:

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

ぶ、舞台や戦場では、それがお仕事なので、(O-On stage or in the battlefield, that’s work, so) 仕方ありませんが…▼ (I have to, but...) で、できれば、練習は一人で…▼ (I-I practice alone as much as possible...)

Localization:

Olivia: Yes, but...well, that's...different. The setting... The atmosphere... There's no time to think about it, or worry about it... I just...do it.

And, unsurprisingly, Basilio’s butterfly butt line was different in the Japanese.

Japanese:

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

ば、バジーリオ様からも (B-Basilio told me) 同じことを言われました。▼ (the same thing.) 『下手ならともかく、上手い踊りを (“If you’re bad, sure, but why) 恥じることなんてないだろ？』と…▼ (be embarrassed by good dancing?” he said...) で、でも、私なんてまだまだで…▼ (B-But I still have a long way to go...)

Localization:

Olivia: Lord Basilio told me much the same thing. ...Albeit with different words. Something about charming the butt off a butterfly, I think?

In the Japanese, Chrom and Olivia’s brief talk about Basilio was pretty different. Olivia just outright says what Basilio said to her, so then, in Chrom’s line, Chrom makes a humorous guess about how he would bet Basilio would win over a girl.

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

バ、バジーリオ様は…▼ (B-Basilio, he...) 『権力や脅しで (”I can’t stand those who try to make women their property) 女をモノにしようとする奴は許せねぇ！』▼ (with threats and displays of power!”) …とおっしゃっていました。▼ (...That’s what he said.)

[クロム] (Chrom)

なるほどな…バジーリオなりの (I see... so he has his own) 信念があるってわけだな。▼ (beliefs, huh.) 確かにあの男は、自分の魅力を知らしめて、(I bet he would make his own charming qualities known,) 好きになってもらえるよう努めるだろうな。▼ (and work hard to win a girl over.)

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

うふふっ…。バジーリオ様の (Tee hee hee... I’m glad I was able to) 誤解が解けて良かったです。▼ (clear up your misunderstanding about him.)

Localization:

Olivia: Oh no, you have Basilio all wrong... He's not like that. Not really. He told me a khan doesn't need such tricks to find himself a partner. ...Actually he was much cruder about it, but you get the idea. Chrom: Let me guess: it was something about his "big brown arse"? Olivia: Hee hee! I guess you DO know Basilio pretty well after all!

And in her last line, Olivia calls Chrom “yasashii” rather than “charming,” which means “nice/kind” and doesn’t have all the connotations of “charming.”

Japanese:

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

クロム様とこんなにお話できた…▼ (I was able to talk to Lord Chrom for so long...!) 最初はちょっと怖かったけど、▼ (At first, he was a little scary, but) クロム様って本当は (He really does) とっても優しい人みたいです…▼ (seem to be very kind...)

Localization:

Olivia: Oh, yes! Absolutely! Me, too! I can't believe Chrom and I can actually talk to each other like normal people! Gosh, I was SO terrified of him at first. But he's actually quite charming once you get to know him...

S Support

Olivia doesn’t say that she’d hide in a barrel exactly in the Japanese... just that she’d run away from Chrom at first. Plus, like in the last conversation, Olivia doesn’t say she couldn’t talk to Chrom specifically, but just most people in general. And then, the next few lines have their own minor changes too.

Japanese:

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

は、はい…私も驚いています…▼ (Y-Yes... I’m surprised, too...)

…昔は自分から他人に話しかけたり、▼ (...Before, I couldn’t think about)

昔話をしたりなんて、(starting a conversation with other people,) とても考えられませんでした…▼ (or telling an old story...) …普通は、そんな話をする前に (...Usually, before such a conversation could even begin,) 私のほうから逃げてしまいますから…▼ (I’d run away...)

[クロム] (Chrom)

なら…バジーリオには感謝しないとな。▼ (Then... I need to thank Basilio.) バジーリオのおかげで、こうして (Thanks to him, we were able) お前と出会って仲良くなれたんだから。▼ (to meet and become friends.)

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

そ、そうですね… (Y-Yeah...) クロム様と知り合えて、良かったです…▼ (I’m happy I met you...)

[クロム] (Chrom)

そうだな…お前と出会わなければ、▼ Me too... If I hadn't met you,) もちろんお前のその笑顔を (of course, I would have never seen) 見ることもなかっただろうしな。▼ (your smile.)

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

…私も、少し前まではこんな風に (...Me too, just a short time ago, I’d have never thought) 笑えるなんて思ってもみませんでした。▼ (I could laugh like this!) だって…クロム様とお話しするのは、(And... because I talk to you,) 他の方と話すより勇気がいりましたから…▼ (I now have the courage to talk to other people...)

Localization:

Olivia: I know! The old me wouldn't dream of just coming up to you and saying hello. In fact, sometimes, when I'd see you coming, I'd run and hide in a barrel!

Chrom: ...In a barrel? Er, yes. Well in any case, it seems I'm very much in Basilio's debt. If not for him, we'd never have had the chance to become friends.

Olivia: Oh, don't even say that! Chrom: To think I might have lived my whole life without knowing you... Olivia: I know, I... I feel the same way. You even helped me be less shy around other people! 'Cause if I can talk to you, I can talk to ANYONE!

This conversation is certainly the most different of them all so far in this support set! In the Japanese, Olivia explains that one of the reasons she found Chrom difficult to talk to is because of the tense face he makes in battle, but the localization took that bit out.

Japanese:

[クロム] (Chrom)

えっ？　それって、(Huh? Are you saying,) 俺が怖かったってことか？▼ (I was scary?)

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

えと…そ、そうですね…▼ (Uh... y-yeah...) クロム様は私たちのリーダーですし、▼ (You’re our leader, and) …戦時に張りつめた表情をされることが (...your face tenses up in battle) 多くて、近寄りがたい雰囲気があるなって…▼ (a lot, so it made you difficult to come up to...)

[クロム] (Chrom)

…そ、そうか。▼ (...I-I see.)

Localization:

Chrom:

...Am I so terrifying?

Olivia:

Oh, no! No, it's not like that! You're an important person, you know? A prince and our leader and all that? It's not like folks just walk up to you and start blabbing away.

Chrom:

Hmm... I see your point.

The conversation continues to be pretty different from the Japanese... so much so, that I’ve basically translated the entire thing. When the localization took out Chrom complimenting Olivia’s laugh, they altered the majority of the little details of the conversation! Though it follows the same basic course of events.

Japanese:

[クロム] (Chrom)

ははっ。オリヴィエ…また笑っているな。(Ha ha. Olivia... you’re laughing again.)

この間と同じ、いい笑顔だ…▼ (It’s the same as before... it’s such a great smile...)

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

ええ…私、クロム様の前でなら、(Yes... I’ve become able)

自然に笑えるようになりました…！▼ (to laugh naturally around you...!)

それに…クロム様も笑顔…▼ (And... You’re smiling...) 戦いの時には見せない、(When you’re not in battle,) とても優しい顔ですね。▼ (You have a very kind face!)

[クロム] (Chrom)

俺のこの笑顔を作ってくれたのは、(And the one who made me smile like this,) オリヴィエだ。だから…▼ (is you, Olivia. So...)

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

えっ…？▼ (Huh...?)

[クロム] (Chrom)

…なぁ、オリヴィエ？　お前さえ良ければ、(...Say, Olivia? If it’s alright with you,) 俺はこれから先もずっとお前を見ていたい。▼ (I want to see you all the time from now on.)

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

ク、クロム様…？▼ (C-Chrom...?)

[クロム] (Chrom)

踊っている最中だけじゃなく… (Not only when you are dancing... どんな時もお前を見て、そして守りたい。▼ (I want to see you all the time, and to protect you.) …お前を、幸せにしてあげたいんだ。▼ (...I want to make you happy.)

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

えぇっ！？　そ、それって～…▼ (Ehhh!? A-Are you~!?)

[クロム] (Chrom)

俺は…お前が好きだ…！(I... love you...!) 俺の妻に…なってもらえないか？▼ (Will you be... my wife?)

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

うぅ…は、恥ずかしい…ですけど、(Ahhh... I-I’m so embarrassed. But,) こんな私でよろしければ…▼ (if you’ll have someone like me...)

[クロム] (Chrom)

そうか…そう言ってくれるか！▼ (So... you’re saying yes!)

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

はい。私、クロム様とお話していて、(I am. As I’ve talked to you,) とっても心が穏やかになれました。▼ (my heart has calmed!) こんな人とずっと一緒にいたいなぁって。▼ (I’ve found myself thinking that I want to be with a person like you forever!) [クロム] (Chrom)

それは俺も同じさ！▼ (I’ve been thinking the same thing!) …！　あ、ああ、そうだ。こんな時の (...! O-Oh yeah. This was made) ためにこれを用意していたんだった。▼ (for this moment.) その…俺の気持ちの証明だと思って、(It’s... proof of my feelings,) これを…受け取ってくれ。▼ (so please... take it.)

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

こ…これは、指輪？(T-This is... a ring?) しかもイーリスの家紋が彫ってあります。▼ (And the crest of Ylisse is carved into it!) 貴重な物ではないのですか？▼ (It’s really important, isn’t it?) [クロム] (Chrom)

あぁ…これは俺が生まれた記念に (Yeah... I heard my parents had it made) 両親が作ってくれたものらしい。▼ (to commemorate my birth.) 俺がいつか伴侶となる者を見つけた時に (I was told to give it to my partner) これを贈るようにと教わったんだ。▼ (when I found them one day.) だから…お前にこれを渡す。▼ (So... I’m giving it to you.) そして生涯の愛を誓おう。▼ (And let’s vow our lifelong love to each other.)

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

あ…ありがとうごさいます。▼ (Th...Thank you.) 私も…これから先ずっとずっと… (I vow to love you...) クロム様を愛すると誓います。▼ (from now on... forever and ever.)

[クロム] (Chrom)

嬉しいよ、オリヴィエ。(I’m happy, Olivia) これからは、どんな時も一緒だ。▼ (From now on, we’ll be together no matter what.) 俺は、お前がずっと (I will do everything in my power) 笑っていられるように力を尽くそう。▼ (to make you laugh forever.)

[オリヴィエ] (Olivia)

…はい。そして、私たちの周りの (...Yes. And let’s make) みんなも笑顔にしてあげましょうね。▼ (everyone around us smile, too.) みんなが笑っていられる世界… (A world where everyone can smile...) とっても素敵だと思います…▼ (is wonderful, I think...)

[クロム] (Chrom)

みんなが笑っていられる世界…か。(A world where everyone can smile... you say?) あぁ。俺とお前なら…���っとできる。▼ (Yeah. Together, with you... that can happen.) 愛しているよ、オリヴィエ。▼ (I love you, Olivia.)

Localization:

Chrom: I do so love that laugh. Olivia: And I love seeing you relax instead of reading war books or whatever you do! Chrom: Well then, perhaps you would like to see more of me. Olivia: Well... I would have to eat and sleep at some point, but... Chrom: ...But perhaps we can do that together as well, if... ...If we were married. Olivia: Oh my gosh, WHAAAAAT?! Chrom: Will you do me the honor, Olivia? Will you marry me? Olivia: Well, let's see... Will I marry this smart, funny prince who's also super handsome? YES! Of course I will! Yes! Chrom: Well now you're making ME blush... Here, then. I've been carrying this around and waiting for the right moment. Please take it as proof of my love for you. Olivia: ...C-Chrom, this ring bears the crest of the royal house of Ylisse! This is priceless! I can't take it! Chrom: My parents had it made on the occasion of my birth. They told me to give it to the woman that I would spend my life with. I'm only doing what it was designed for in the first place. Olivia: Th-thank you, Chrom. I shall wear it proudly for the rest of my days. Chrom: I've been waiting my whole life for this moment, Olivia. Today I'm the happiest man in all the realm!

--------------------------------------

Well, besides all the little things that made me translate almost an entire conversation, these two walk away with the same characterizations in both versions. Olivia is shy and quiet but finally learns to open up with good companionship, and Chrom stubbornly works hard to build a good relationship with his allies.

Next, and last, is Chrom / Lucina!

[lani-machinists]

The White of the Eye

  If you are reading this you have to know that I'm not crazy. I know what I saw. None of this makes any sense. Let me give context to what happened. 2 weeks ago on a Saturday, I woke up a usual then went downstairs and brewed a cup of coffee. I spent several hours on eBay seeing if the items I put up were bought. An alarm went off on my phone so I went over to the pantry and pull out some generic dog food. "Tam come get a girl" I said as a little bull terrier strutted towards the bowl and started eating in. I bent down and started petting her admiring her. I got up and went back upstairs to get ready to meet a friend.

  I came back down after getting ready and at the bottom of the stairs Tam was standing there acting weird. She just stared at me with an expression that I didn't think a dog could make. Something else was also a little off. Usually with dogs you can't see the white of their eyes as easy. They would have to look in some direction with their head staying in place for you to see anything. However with Tam I could see the whites of her eyes like she had human eyes. The intensity with which she looked at me gave me a shiver down my spine. "Hey Tam, whatchu need girl". She stands there a bit longer before turning her head and moving out of view. 

   Confused but, too caught up in my own head I ignore it and walk out the door. Once I arrive to the cafe. I met up with Chelsea, "So it's been a while what are you up to now a days" she said sipping lemonade. 

  "It's been kind of the same since the last time we spoke, still between job" I say turning my head looking towards the window. I look out for a moment kind of letting my mind wander. "Hey Kim, you alright"? Chelsea ask waving her hand in front of my face. "Oh nothing just wondering when things will finally workout in my favor". 

"Don't worry everything comes in its own time" Chelsea smiles and it almost made me believe her. "Yeah well now would be as good of a time as ever" I said giving a cynical laugh. 

"Hey Kim why are you scratching yourself so much". Chelsea looks quite concerned. I was unaware but I was scratching my head variously once I noticed it, the feeling hit. The itch was so unbearable. I felt like tearing through my skin. I kept scratching and then I felt something wet. I look at my finger and see drops of red on it.  "Oh my… Kim are alright" Chelsea had a horrified expression. 

"Yeah I just have a real bad itch" I said grabbing my hand with my other one, clinching it tight trying to ignore the urge to continue scratching. For a second we just sat there. "Kim, you're still...bleeding". Chelsea pointed to my face

"Oh well it probably best that I go". I say awkward and exit before Chelsea had time to say anything. I left to my car and drove home. After I look at myself in the mirror, everything seems fine. I treated my wound and decided to rest a bit. I poured myself a drink and sat on the couch watching Netflix. As it got dark I got ready to go to sleep and I saw Tam at the end of the room starving right at me, then turned around and walked away. Too tired to really pay attention I went upstairs and got to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night coming to answer nature's call. As I drowsily walked to the bathroom I smelled an odor so strong I almost vomited on the spot. I ran into the toilet and released my dinner. Washing my face and still tired I looked at myself in the mirror thinking how this has been the weirdest and worst day I had.  While I looked at the mirror I could see in the reflection Tam is figure at the opening. "Tam what are you doing?" I said with hints of uneasiness in my voice. She scamper away and I followed after wondering if she was okay since she isn't up at this hour. I walk after and notice she moves faster then she usually does. It starts to feel like I'm chasing her and for a second I swore I saw her stand on two legs but not how most dogs do it, her bone structure was off. I rubbed my eyes and she was back on all fours. "Tam" I said still partially asleep and cautious. She still had her back to me. I went to go pick her up and I examine her. Everything looked normal and she licked my face. I put her back down and went back to bed.

 The next morning I woke up feeling terrible I woke up feeling terrible and paranoia. I was focused on last night. I got and went downstairs to see Tam, she was there just sleeping peacefully. Over the next coming days I watched and wrote down everything. However the more I noted the mirror seem like I was the weird one. Outside of that one night and tams occasion sitting stating out of the window she was pretty normal. I started to feel bad thinking there was something going on besides my own neurosis. One of those days as I was getting ready to watch her when I got a notify on my phone about a job interview. I started freaking out, I was so caught up by all this crap that I forgot it was today. I rushed to get ready and heading out the door. I was able to make it in time and calm myself down.

 

 I walk through the door and went into the interview room. "Good morning" and older man said with a strained face and nicely fitted suit. "I'm doing fine today and you" I responded.

 

 "Well enough" he said trying to be personable. He flips through papers, pushing his glasses up. "So looking at your resume it is quite impressive, however there is a gap for about 6 month, can you tell me what happen".

"Well the reason for that…" I stopped and started to rub my eyes for a second. 

"Ms. Kimberly is everything alright"

" Yes sir just had something in my eye". I said even though nothing was, my vision went blurry and when it refocused everything was odd. The normal colors that I could see change. I could only see grays, blues and yellows. I have no history of color blindness in my family and I have never heard of it happening onset. I tried to regain my focus to answer his question. Then before I could form another word a pungent odor hit me like a brick. It was so horrid that a second later I rises up and ran to the nearest toilet and vomited. After losing my lunch for a few seconds and being full of embracement I decide to leave . I got home and still feeling sick, I went to bed crying myself to sleep. 

  I woke up the next morning. My eyes still haven't returned to normal. I got up and went over to my phone and saw an email. It was the interviewer, he felt bad that I got "sick and couldn't finish the interview and to see if I would like to reschedule". I also saw a text from Chelsea asking if I was okay. She sent several messages that I hadn't responded to. I felt bad for not responding but I didn't know how to bring it up with her. I looked at the phone for a bit contemplating what I would say to her. That is when I hear a ring of the doorbell. I went downstairs and saw Chelsea at the window waving. I open the door. "Hey Chelsea what are you doing". 

"I came to check on you". She said embracing me. "I was worried because you hadn't responded to any of my texts". 

"I'm sorry I have been going through a lot, I didn't know how  to tell you" I hugged back tight burying my face in her shoulder fighting back tears. We held each other for a solid minute. She smelled so nice. We both sat at my table and I told her what happened yesterday. "Our you coming down with something".

"Well this is one hell of a flu I have" I say with a sarcastic laugh. "Why don't you go to the doctor and to check out what is going on". 

  "I don't know, I don't feel sick, how do I even explain it"

 "You can't just let it pass, you don't know what else can happen" 

  "I guess you're right"

   "Hey… what going with your face$ she said after a long break in convo. "I don't know what you mean."

  "Hold don't move" she said moving closer to me reaching her hand towards my face. Like an instinct it happened before I even realized I had done it. As her hand reach my face I open my mouth bit down hard. So hard that it drew blood "what the hell" she screamed in pain. Once u came I immediately let go. "Chelsea I'm sor.." Chelsea got up before I was able to finish my apology and ran to the door before she left she turn around to say "you need help" and left.

  I sat there for a while dejected and not moving a muscle, I didn't get up until it got dark. I sighed and got to go out food in Tam's bowl "Tam come get it". However she didn't come "Come on Tam stop playing around" still she didn't come around. I sighed knowing that this wasn't going to end up well for me. I checked the place that see is usually at. After a few minutes if searching and coming up with knowing, I decide to go to a place I recently started to find her at.

  I go to the section of the room where the window allows moonlight. There she was sitting looking out the window. I hesitate feeling an uneasiness in my gut. "T..Tam"?  She turned her head, eyes as piercing and human-like as ever. She wasn't looking through me nor at me. It seemed more like she was contemplating something. "K-Kimberly your time  i-is u-up,". she almost looking like it cause her pain to open her mouth in that way. I stood there frozen in fear, head spinning trying to process what was going on. "Come here" as she said she got up a d contorted body until it stood unnaturally upright. I immediately ran upstairs to my room. Locking the door. I cried on my bed until I pass out. I woke up jolting myself out of bed. My face crusty I come to remembering what happened last night. It was at that moment my doorbell rang and I rushed to out decent clothes on, I looked at the window and I saw Robert my neighbor across the street this perplexed me because rarely talked. I open the door "Hey Robert what do I owe this visit to"

  "Hey neighbor I had been trying to reach you for a few weeks now" Robert said with a smile. I looked at him eyes rolled, remembering the emails I had deleted without even reading. "Well right now isn't a good time.."

"Hold on now I want to say this extremely important to the well being of the neighbor". Robert insisted I reluctantly let him in knowing I probably he wasn't going to take no for an answer. "You want some coffee" I ask going to the pantry. 

"Yes ma'am"

"So Robert what is this about". I say opening the cabinet doors. However there was no response. "Robert"? I turned around and he wasn't there. I heard talking coming from the other room. I walked cautiously towards the room hiding behind the wall to listen closely. " Look here I have a nice place for her, she'll be treated really well". It sound like it was coming from Robert. I suddenly peaked my head around the corner and saw Robert and Tam heads turned looking directly at me. For a moment it was quiet. I made a mad dash for the kitchen. Robert ran after mem I made it to the drawer and pulled out a kitchen knife. I swung it at Robert with all my might . I was taken by surprise at nimble and fast his was. He dodged my attack and knocked the knife out of my hand. I tried to run at that point. I was too slow. He got me and pinned me down. The last thing I remember is his first coming down on my face. 

  Now I'm writing from this cell. However things are a little weird it is incredibly small, barely enough space to move. When I'm feed it on a dish instead of plate. Lastly when I get a water dish and I look into the reflection noticing something odd. I can't see the whites of my eyes.

[mayaparker]

Pages Stick Together;

Maya, @scarlettxruby & @rydenbolt try to deal with the aftermath of the grocery store misadventure.

In a sudden unceremonious instant, the underwater world disappeared. It was replaced the grocery store that they all knew. Maya collapsed to the floor, sobbing. She couldn’t do this anymore. It was too much. She wasn’t enough. Between these pockets and the cult and everything else, she wasn’t strong enough. She muttered as much to herself, head in her hands.

The world suddenly shifted again, and Ruby was left with a terrible ringing in her ears that left whining and trembling. But then she was in the grocery store again, still a wolf, still covered in blood and gore and dripping seawater. And with all her things in Ephram’s bag. Not that the wolf herself remembered that. But Ruby would once she changed back. The smells were different here, and one drew Ruby’s attention more than the others. She padded towards Maya where the witch sat on the floor. Ruby was a sight, and probably terrifying to look at for anyone that didn’t know her, but she wuffled Maya’s hair before licking the splattered blood off the witch’s face. Alright. Is Alright, she tried to say, Safe now.

Perhaps the only person who looked somewhat disappointed to be back in the good ol’ hopefully monster-free reality was Ryden. Usually, coming back meant it’s difficult to return to what you came back from. If that made any sense… Letting his bones and nails come back to their rightful, human place, the blood and gore he was covered with was still a proof of the bloodbath he’d been through. A family of four pushing along the aisle looked at the bunch of them funny before moving on. Ryden spat out a mouthful of bile and nasty taste, slipping down to the floor to sit, back against the shelf. “Fuckin’ hell…”

Maya didn’t stop crying as Ruby tried to comfort her. The fur was enough to let her know that was who it was. She didn’t know where everyone else was. She didn’t spare a thought to anyone else who might’ve been in the grocery store. They all had to look an awful sight. “But we’re not,” she argued hopelessly with the wolf, “Between this and that fucking cult and…” she brought her head up long enough to make eye contact with Ryden. Even this bone deep exhaustion wasn’t enough to betray his secret. Instead she shook her head, “I’m fucking exhausted and I can’t sleep anymore.”

Ruby understood Maya when she spoke now. It had taken practice, and patience, but with every shift it got just a tiny bit easier. There was no reason for her to stay as she was, other than she’d be buck ass naked without her clothes once she shifted back. But what Maya said was more important than anyone getting a peek at Ruby’s tits. So she let herself shift back, scrubbing a hand over her blood mouth and spitting much as Ryden had. “No one is gonna hurt you. I won’t let them.” She looked at Ryden, then back at Maya. “Does he know?” About the cult. It was hardly the time or the place for such a conversation, but when was a good time?

Ryden looked up from where he’d been staring down at, not much of anything readable in his expression. He reached up and plucked a couple of bottles of cherry cola off the lower shelves. One he’d let roll off towards Maya and the other he’d opened up and chugged on himself. Water would be better but it was stacked up elsewhere and he didn’t feel much like moving just yet. He watched Maya crumble and sob but reacted little to it it all. He reached out to quietly pick up another bottle of cherry cola for Ruby now that she had shifted.

Ruby caught the drink with a nod of thanks and sucked it down. She needed it, else she’d start to crash. Sinking back on her rear, Ruby sat between the two others, looking like she’d been on a week long bender instead of an hour or two in a pocket verse.

Maya looked up again only as something hit her leg. She managed a watery smile and a nod at Ryden as she picked it up. A half hearted laugh bubbled out of her at Ruby’s question. “No, I fucking lied. I didn’t call anyone that night,” she replied. She opened the bottle and brought it to her lips. She should probably worry about how they looked. Ruby was completely naked, giving Mrs. Peterson more than an eyeful over by the bananas. Her own shoulder was still bleeding and Ryden was coated in blood and viscera. But she couldn’t bring herself to care.

A tiny part of Ruby had said Maya wasn’t going to call anyone that night. But she trusted her friend. Though it seemed as if she’d been wrong to do so. At least on that particular occasion. “Jesus Christ, Maya…” Ruby sighed. “Some wolf cult fucks…” she said, turning to Ryden, “tried to roofie us a couple of weeks back. Then just about two weeks ago, two of their members showed up at my fuckin’ house. They didn’t do nothin’, and they havne’t come back, but I think they were lookin’ for Maya.” She glanced at her friend. “I’ve had Bri lookin’ out for you, by the way.” Since they were tellin’ the truth and all.

Ryden tended to stay out of conversations he didn’t understand. And right now, he had no fucking clue what the two of them were talking about. When they wanted, they would explain. Until then, he sat in quiet cluelessness, taking his shirt off to hand it over to Ruby to wear. Most people would get swallowed up by any shirt Ryden wore, even the skinny kind, and Ruby was definitely tiny enough to have it reach at least past her buttocks. “Two… weeks ago?” Ryden asked. He had met up with Maya two weeks ago. She was far from looking shaken like she’d been roofied. But then again, neither Ryden nor Maya and Ruby seemed to have figured out yet that he’d been gone for over a month.

“Ruby, it’s fine,” Maya snapped, “I told you it’s fine.” It was not fine. She was far from fine. “Besides, it’s not like it would’ve mattered. He hasn’t texted me back in weeks anyway,” she replied. Maya pulled herself to her feet. Her survival instinct was resurfacing again. She swallowed. “I can fucking take care of myself, okay?” her voice was sharp like a claw’s edge. “I’m fine.” It was an obvious and poor lie. Maya looked between the two of them and shook her head. “I should’ve just stayed in fucking New York,” she said, “Made everybody here’s lives better.”

“God, yer full of shit,” Ryden stated, matter-of-factly, in his usual no sugar-coating it way that applied to everyone, no matter how much he cared for them. “And I’ve fuckin texted ya three days ago, wha'choo talkin’ about? Why ya actin’ like yer tha bomb when yer obviously going through shit ya can’t handle? S'wrong with ya?”

“Stop,” Ruby said, a bit sharper than she normally was with her friend. But it was only because she was concerned. She’d seen how Maya had just stopped moving back in that fucked version of this world. How she simply hadn’t had anything left. What would happen to her here?? Where the threat wouldn’t go away when you crossed some magical boundary line. “Maybe a bit more than a month? Less than two?” Ruby clarified for Ryden. She was awful when it came to timeframes. “Yeah, I know you can take care of yourself. But sometimes you can’t.” She made a small gesture of agreement as Ryden said the same thing in his own way, which was straight up and to the point. Maybe Maya would listen to him if not Ruby. “New York? You think that’s better? You think Carson gives a shit about who you are or what you want?” Ruby huffed. “He asks a lotta personal questions about you to someone he’s never met before." She snatched Ryden’s shirt over her head with a mumbled thanks. "And by the way,” she said to Maya, “You don’t get to decide if you make people’s lives better or not. Thats for them to decide.“

"Can someone go grab me a magazine or somethin’?” Ryden asked absently as he stood up, coming up to Maya. “Stand still, cupcake.” He said, without any room left for argument, ang gently rolled her sleeve up to reveal the gash beneath. He hissed under his breath. “And a bandage maybe?? Ruby?”

Maya looked over to Ryden. “Ryden, I haven’t heard from you in weeks. I thought you were pissed at me, honestly. It’s been /weeks/.” Hurt flickered across her expression as she considered that the time simply hadn’t mattered to him. But that hurt was gone too fast for anyone who didn’t know her well to see. She whipped back around to Ruby. “Wouldn’t you?” she asked, “If someone you cared about disappeared and you didn’t see them for almost three years wouldn’t you grab onto any information you could about them?” She flinched, surprised when Ryden spoke directly next to her. At least she stood still though. But she couldn’t bring her gaze up to meet Ryden’s. “I’m fine,” she tried to argue, “Like you said, I can handle shit.”

“No, I said you CAN’T handle shit, yer a mess right now. face it and let us take care of ya, geez,” Ryden mumbled, something akin to annoyance bubbling in him though not quite. It was too mixed up with concern to be mere annoyance at Maya’s refusal to cooperate. “And I’m tellin’ ya, it’s been three days! I’ll show ya my phone when I find it.” Maybe she missed that text. But it was a convo that went on for an hour and ended up with them saying goodnight. And it couldn’t be that she’d missed all of the texts they exchanged this past month - she had been RESPONDING to them regularly. “What’s today? What date?” He asked absently, looking over the shelves to find something to use as bandage on Maya’s wound for now. They’d have to go to another aisle, it seems.

“Of course I would,” she said to Maya. “But the things he asked me were… strange, Maya. The whole mood was… strange. Like he was happy you were happy, but… disappointed that you weren’t happy in the way he wanted you to be?” Ruby sighed. “I don’t know. It was just fuckin’ off to me.” When Ryden asked for things for Maya’s wound, Ruby nodded, needing a second anyway as she got up and padded through the store to the medical supplies. She ignore the strange looks from the few people inside, and took a moment to dash the tears from her face - and give the other two a few minutes alone - before padding back over.

“Wouldn’t you?” Maya asked again. At the moment, it was too much for her to consider that her friendship with Carson wasn’t exactly as she’d imagined it. As Ruby wandered off, she finally looked up at Ryden, concern etched in her features. It was hardly the preferable method, but Maya’s concern brought her slowly out of her momentary despair. “It’s the end of August,” she replied. She remembered their last proper conversation. She’d looked over it a few times, trying to figure out where she might’ve pissed him off. “Ouch, fuck,” she flinched as his fingers glanced over the wound in her shoulder. It was deeper than she’d realized.

“End of August, huh…” Ryden hummed, peering at her wound as he checked it out and waited for Ruby to come back with medical supplies. “Okay, yeah. Maybe it’s been a month…” He mumbled. He’d have to figure this one out later. First things first - not have Maya bleed out through the gash on her. "Who’s that Carson dude again?“ he asked.

Ruby knelt back down and held out the supplies, waiting to help as she could. They’d pretty much taken this aisle as their own, and no one else had bothered them.

Maya snapped, "Yeah, maybe it’s been a fucking month.” She couldn’t be too mad though. Not when she knew that sometimes dealing with things meant dealing with them later. Maya looked away from Ryden again. “Carson was my best friend for five years when I lived in New York. I thought he and Ruby would get on, but I guess not.”

“We did get on,” Ruby said, taking out some gauze. “I didn’t say he was a douchebag outright, just that I got a weird vibe from the guy.”

Ryden took Maya snapping at him as if it was nothing he cared to respond to. Instead, he took what Ruby could find and at least managed to tie the wound over to stop the bleeding. “Uh-huh. He not the one who roofied ya? It was a… werewolf cult? He part of it?”

Ruby glanced up at Maya, waiting to see what she would say about the incident before she added her own two cents if needed.

Maya pulled her arm away from Ryden as he tied a makeshift bandage around her shoulder. “Fuck you. I thought you hated me. Or worse that you were fucking dead,” she said and had to wipe an angry tear from her cheek. “And no, Carson never roofied me. It was some fucking cult, I don’t know. I’m fine obviously. No tinfoil hat or whatever. So nothing to fucking worry about.”

“We went to this party,” Ruby added. “At this old house in the woods. Her coworker invited us,” Ruby said, gesturing to Maya. “Pretty legit other than the creepy old house. About an hour in, sis here starts actin’ weird as fuck… figures out before I do that someone slipped her something somehow, and when we tried to leave these assholes tried to stop us. So we crawled out the bathroom window. They came after us before we got the car, but i locked her drugged ass inside and made sure that bitch who tried to stop me knew better.”

“Sure,” Ryden answered simply to Maya’s rage, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I’ll go git sumone to call ambulance, take ya to the doctor’s. If you don’t go, I’ll find you and fucking murder ya meself. You go home, dress and shower.” He reached down to pinch Ruby’s chin affectionately. Then he turned away to leave.

Maya shook her head. “No,” she reached out and grabbed at Ryden’s arm, “No, you don’t get to fucking walk away right now. Where the fuck were you?” She knew it was probably useless. If he was determined to leave, then he was determined to leave. But Maya couldn’t help, but try. “And I don’t need a doctor,” she appealed to Ruby, “I’ve had worse.”

“Shut up,” Ruby said to Maya. “I’ll make sure she gets to the doc,” she told Ryden, leaning into his hand just a bit with an equal show of affection.

“Well, ya never had ME, when ya don’t fuckin’ listen to what I tell ya to do.” Ryden squeezed through gritted teeth but he stopped when Maya grabbed his arm. “Now, git outta yer head for a second, learn t'back off when people kindly ask ya to and mind that yer fuckin’ friend, who was there for ya back then, is naked, dirty and also maybe hurt. So take care of yerself so ya can take care of other people too. I ain’t tellin’ ya shit when yer too fucked up to listen, so git sorted and then we’ll talk.” He said sternly, then looked down at Ruby and nodded gratefully. “Now let go, I don’t want t'have to push you away, literally and figuratively.”

Maya had to give Ryden that. She let go, almost as a recoil. She blinked twice. Right, she needed to be strong. She knew that. She had to be okay. Ruby needed her help. “I’m sorry,” Maya replied in a voice barely above a whisper. She shook her head, trying to clear it. Nothing had happened yet. At least not that hadn’t happened to anyone else. She was overreacting again. “Fine,” she said, throat suddenly dry, “A doctor. But it doesn’t hurt that bad, really…well, it might be shock. I might be in shock.”

“Mmm.” Ryden hummed, shoulders relaxing now that Maya was responsive again. He’d definitely come out a bit too strong on this. But that was the only way he knew. “I’ll check in on ya both a bit later.” He promised, turning to leave again. They’d both just have to find a way to trust him that he’s not leaving them here because of something not important.

Ruby hated to be upset with the people she loved. She hated conflict. Because all it had done for her in the past was get her in trouble, and make people dislike her. It had lost her more than it had evver gained. But she knew now that sometimes you had to tell people the hard truth. The ones that really gave a shit would still be there at the end of the day, regardless. Ryden seemed like he’d learned that a long time before Ruby had, as he laid it out for Maya. Ruby smiled at him as he gave her a nod, and started to gather what little things they had left laying around. She’d put them on the department’s tab later. “It’s shock. Trust me,” Ruby said to Maya. She’d had enough injuries in her life, even before coming here, to know that.

Maya only nodded. She didn’t know what else to do. She didn’t think that Ryden had left for a month for anything that was trivial. In fact, that was what scared her most. She was absolutely terrified that he would walk off to face whatever was following him alone and not come back at all. “You better,” she informed Ryden’s retreating back. She turned to Ruby. “I’m going to be pissed at you. Later when I’m not in shock and you have pants again. You’ve both got enough shit to deal with. There’s still no use adding Carson and those teens on top of it.”

“That’s alright. I don’t care. You’d do the same thing for me if it had been Aedan sittin’ here with us and me sittin’ where you are bein’ stubborn and bleedin’ everywhere.” Ruby stood, reaching down to help Maya up. “I’m not worried about Carson. He’s 3000 miles a way. Those wolves’re here.”

“You wouldn’t have been such a fucking idiot,” Maya argued. She let Ruby help her up thought. Exhaustion settled atop her bones. “I want to go home,” she said, “Can we please go home?”

“You act like you don’t even know me,” Ruby huffed. “I would’ve so been an idiot.” She looped an arm around Maya’s waist. “Yes, we can go home. After you see the doctor.”

[diamondcitydarlin]

okay been thinking about how I would’ve written a more general Varric romance into DA:I, which was the original goal of my story here but it became more specific to him and my character so here’s how I would’ve set it up for anyone, had I been given the honor of doing so. Which never would’ve happened. But my husband now works in the video game industry SO YOU NEVER KNOW. HMU EA or Bioware or whoever handles that now. Anyway here’s my pitch, PART 1 (I haven’t planned the rest out yet, bear with me):

1. Flirt options, obviously, just after the first cutscene convo at Haven. To these Varric will generally humor the Inquisitor and flirt back because at the earliest point it’s harmless fun. Maybe some dialogue like,

Inquisitor: Do you always leave your chest exposed during battle? Seems dangerous. 

Varric: Sure. You see it, kinda hard to contain, so I don’t bother.

Inquisitor: Oh, I’m not complaining, just making sure what’s eye candy for the rest of us isn’t a death sentence for you.

Varric: I’ve come this far, haven’t I? Gaze to your heart’s content, my ego feeds on it. 

And/or maybe when he mentions he’s written a romance series;

Inquisitor: So...bodice-ripper, smut pieces, then? 

Varric: Not all of it, but yeah, you could say things get a little heated in parts. 

Inquisitor: Do you...write from experience? 

Varric: Well, you know what they say, write what you know...which I rarely do, but when it comes to heaving bosoms and all of that it seems only appropriate. 

Inquisitor: I’ll definitely have to give Swords and Shields a try then.  

Varric: Try one of my better sellers before you do. Not saying the writing is much better, but I’d rather have Hard in Hightown be the first impression. 

Maybe more, but you get the idea. The flirting is just kind of fun and easy at that point, but I’m thinking things should ramp up a bit at Skyhold if the player is keen to pursue. I think at this point there’d be a dialogue option during the first encounter at Skyhold, maybe something like;

Inquisitor: I’m glad we all made it out of there in one piece...you especially. 

Varric: Why me especially? I’m probably the most useless addition to this rag-tag band of misfits. 

Inquisitor: I enjoy your company./You make me laugh, that’s just as important as anything else./ (backing out) Yeah...now that I think about it, maybe you’re right. 

Varric: -laughs- I’m glad to hear someone does./ -teasing- Why not try a court jester then?/ Whoa...didn’t need to own that so quickly. I’m an extra pair of hands with a good crossbow, let’s not forget. 

Inquisitor: (continuing the laugh dialogue option) I can get you a jingly hat if it makes you feel more at home.

Varric: (continuing the laugh dialogue option) It might. I’m gonna hold you to that. 

Varric continues to deflect with humor a bit at this point, but I think there’ll still be flirtation options in the meanwhile, like maybe at his greeting of, “Did you need something or did you just come to admire the Dwarf?” which might only be accessible if you had been flirting successfully with him to this point the Inquisitor could have the option to say, “Maybe a little bit of both.” 

Things more or less stay as they are until the ‘Well, Shit’ quest pops up along with the infamous Bianca. An Inquisitor that has been pursuing to this point could get some extra dialogue options in the course of things. I’m thinking especially at the end where something could be said in the cut scene like,

Inquisitor: You deserve better, Varric. 

Varric: Do I though? 

Inquisitor: I think so. And I don’t speak just out of personal interest. 

Varric:....shit. That makes things a lot more complicated. Maybe not a bad complicated, but...I don’t know. I guess I thought we were joking around, if I knew it was more than that for you-...

Inquisitor: Isn’t it for you? We’ve been through a lot together already.

Varric: I’m not saying it isn’t. There’s no bluff to call here, I like you...okay, I like you a lot, but shit’s complicated. You’ve got the end of the world to think about and I’m obviously a mess. Bianca and I have been going around in these circles forever, I wouldn’t really know how to put a stop to it. I’m still not sure I want to. But yes, since you’re asking, the feeling is probably mutual. I just don’t know what’s the right thing to do here. 

Inquisitor: Maybe you’ll have to make a choice. A difficult one, but we’re all doing that, aren’t we? /  If it really is the end of the world then we only have today. Maybe we should make the most of it instead of thinking so hard about a future that may or may not come. / (backing out) You’re probably right, there’s too much in the way. 

Varric: (to the first two choices) Yeah...it’s tough to admit, but you’re right. / If it’s any consolation, I am sorry. If things were different...well, who knows? I’m glad you understand and, for what it’s worth, I really enjoy being your friend. Maybe, at least for now, that’s enough. 

Varric: (to the first two choices) Listen, I have a lot to think about right now, but...I’ll try not to keep you waiting too long for an answer. 

So, some time goes by. Things would be set up so that ‘Well, Shit’ would happen before the Winter Palace quest, so if the first two dialogue options were chosen and the romance not shut down, in true love-interest fashion Varric would join you on the balcony after everything, after Morrigan sashays away. Dialogue could go something like this;

Varric: Some party, huh? I was almost glad for the venatori, that shit I can handle. 

There would be options here to deflect with other subjects, like about the Inquisitor’s choices, etc, but I’ll just follow through with the positive romance stuff here

Inquisitor: Are we...going to have the talk? 

Varric: -sighs- Yeah. I said I wouldn’t keep you waiting, hopefully it wasn’t too long. I...wrote Bianca. Not so much because I’m convinced I deserve better, but after the shit at Valammar...I don’t know. I can’t risk Inquisition secrets and Thedas’ security and your time for her. Not if I’m going to be here for the foreseeable future. 

Inquisitor: I appreciate that. Any...other reason? 

Varric: -coughs out a nervous laugh- I’m not...really good at this sort of thing. Maybe that’s why my romance serials bombed so hard. You know how I feel, I just...don’t know about jumping from one thing into another so fast. 

Inquisitor: So, you’re asking for space and time to figure it out? 

Varric: We only have so much of that...but yeah, if I can be so selfish. Maybe we can just take things slow and see where it goes? 

You’ll have the option here of course to be like ‘that doesn’t work for me’ and put an end to it, but as I’m writing the positive stuff,

Inquisitor: Slow and steady...works for me./ Whatever you need, I’ll go at your pace. 

Varric: Glad to hear it. I do really want to see where this goes. 

He’ll then look back at the ballroom and get an idea, to which he’ll offer,

Varric: A dance seems as good a start as any, and since we’re here...

Inquisitor: I’d like that. / I’m not much of a dancer, but since you’re the one offering...

Varric: Let’s uh...let’s keep it out here though. I’ve been trying to make myself scarce from the Merchants Guild.

(Player and Varric come together for a dance)

Inquisitor: I think you’re afraid you’ll make a fool of yourself in front of the Orlesians. 

Varric:...there is that. 

Some more time will pass, The Wicked Grace game will be slated to come after the Winter Palace quest (tho not much farther in the future since the main plot accelerates pretty quickly). Maybe just to be cute in the meantime your traveling group might occasionally tease you about what’s going on with you and Varric, idk something like that. Anyway, he invites you to a game of Wicked Grace and the whole cut scene there is basically the same until the end, after everyone leaves and you get some extra dialogue options;

Varric: The night’s still young, we could try to play another round, or...

Inquisitor: Or...?

Varric: I...don’t know how to suggest it tactfully, but I figure since we’re exploring this whole thing, and if you’re keen...maybe we could spend some time together, just you and me?

The Inquisitor can then suggest they go ahead with another game OR they can get DOWN TO BUSINESS. The latter of which is what I will write;

Inquisitor: Are you sure...? It’s a big step. 

Varric: Yeah. We trust each other, don’t we? Some big steps will have to be taken eventually if we’re going to feel our way through this. 

Inquisitor: (seductively) Then what are we waiting for? I’ll meet you in my quarters. / LAST ONE TO MY QUARTERS IS A ROTTEN EGG. (zooms off)

(cue scene of drunk Sera under the table before cutting to sexy tiems, etc)

Scene will open on Varric and Inquisitor having a heated make out in front of the fire in their room. THEDAS LOVE THEME PLAYS BECAUSE OF COURSE. 

Varric: (breaking away for a second) If I’d known it’d be this good I would’ve been kissing you first thing at the Temple. I kinda wanted to, after you pointed out Bianca. I always hope my bow will be the first thing people notice about me. 

Inquisitor: Is that what you think I noticed first? Not, y’know...this chest? 

Varric: I give, it’s hard to miss.

(MORE KISSING EEE...before he breaks away again)

Varric: I have to be honest for a second though...after this, I don’t know if I can go back to how things were. I understand that now. I’m in too deep with you. This can’t just be a one-off.

Again, the player will have a chance to back out at this point, but if they go ahead this will be the definitive relationship moment. 

Inquisitor: I don’t intend for it to be. 

Varric: Good...then we’re on the same page.  

Varric rolls on top of the Inquisitor as make out increases and the sound of clothes shuffling can be heard, but close up fade-out on the fire unfortunately because this isn’t a PR0N GAME OK.

Player wakes up the next morning to find Varric writing letters or doing some kind of work at the nearby desk. 

Inquisitor: I’m not that boring, am I? / I have something more exciting than ink and quill over here, if you’re interested. / What, no breakfast?

Varric: (looking up from his work) -teasing- When you’re asleep? Yeah, maybe a little, unless you want me to just stare creepily at you and wait for you to stir. / You know I am. / Joke’s on you, I already sent down for it. Just wasn’t sure when you were going to get your ass up. 

He comes over to join the Inquisitor on the makeshift bed/pile of blankets in front of the fire. Inquisitor sits up and they share a lingering kiss. 

Inquisitor: Did you mean what you said last night? 

Varric: I wouldn’t say something like that for shits and giggles. I know it puts everything in fast motion, maybe faster than we planned, but...with you, it’s different. I’m willing to dive into this head first. 

Inquisitor: I’ll try to make it worth the risk then. 

(They kiss some more until a foreign cough interrupts them. The advisors are there because I find that trope way too funny. Cullen has his eyes covered lmao)

Leiliana: (hiding her amusement from the stairwell) Apologies, we should have knocked. 

Inquisitor: Ideally. 

Josephine: (uncomfortable) Perhaps we should come back later...?

Varric: Well, you can go or you can stay, but I don’t think we were planning to stop, so-

(Josephine ushers the other two quickly back towards the staircase) 

Josephine: Yes, yes, later then! Knocking in future, will make a note of that. 

(Amused, Varric and Inquisitor continue to kiss and maybe suggestion of something MORE before fade-out)

TO BE CONTINUED ONCE I FIGURE OUT THE REST 

[dimples-of-discontent]

Hello, it is I, a 34 year-old woman who has come here to talk about someone I know who may or may not have a crush on me but it’s irrelevant because 1) he’s not single and 2) I have cancer so I’m not going to date anyone anyway. But guess what? I don’t care!! Some things just never change and the kind of “am I reading this right??” insecurity that you have when you’re a teenager just never goes away.

So, hey, if you’ve missed me I’m here to deliver all kinds of silliness tonight! I’ve been away lately because, during the week, I went to an appointment in Boston with a doctor from Harvard who specializes in the kind of breast cancer I have and (hurray!) think it really paid off and I think I’ll be treated there. Then, for the weekend, my NY-area friends and I went away to a cabin in the woods for pre-chemo celebration/togetherness. (Don’t worry; it wasn’t like a horror movie.) It was totally wonderful. I drove to and from the cabin with the dude in question. My adolescent ramblings below.

So, back in August I wrote this silly post about whether I was over- or misinterpreting my friend’s behavior. At the time, we’d been friends for about 3 months and he and his GF were long-distance. Now, we’ve been friends for an additional 7 months and she’s lived with him for 6 of those. They are now both actually my closest friends in town and really high on the list overall too. I like hanging out with them together and separately. We’ve got a neat nexus of overlapping interests so that any combination of the 3 of us has lots to talk about and a lot of fun. I’m somewhat closer to him, because we see each other SO often and because we often confide things in each other. I’m close to her too, though. It’s rare to find such good friends and, honestly, that’s the only really important thing. I have no interest in losing that.

Anyway, my read on the situation back when I posted in August is now pretty much that he was stressing out about the imminent arrival of the GF because they hadn’t been living together and she was moving there without a job just to be with him and that’s kind of a lot. I have no idea if it had anything to do with me. I think it may have, just in the sense of an additional thing. I think it’s likely that he had some level of crush on me--although even if not we were definitely good friends--and was worried about how that would change with the addition of a partner would change either dynamic. 

It all worked out because the minute the three of us met as a group we clicked instantly. We spent the summer and fall going hiking together and all having long conversations in the car and on the trail. We watched movies together and threw a Halloween party. He and I see each other 5-7 days a week (since we work together) and have a constantly active text conversations (the 3 of us have a GC too). I worried about intruding, but both of them invited me to stuff and were happy to be invited. (I did find it hard/annoying to try to see either one of them socially without the other...they do the couple thing of coming along as a unit but, ultimately, I didn’t make a thing out of it b/c they are great.) I could see how much he relaxed, literally the first few hours we all met up together as it was apparent how well we all got along. So, maybe he was worried about what I was going to do myself as well as his feelings? Who knows.

So I was pretty much on the side of “this was a temporary crush that abated once GF moved in and he remembered why they were together and it was clear that that wasn’t changing just b/c I was around.” That’s true, I think. But...ok. So, I’m very much one for crushing on, hooking up with, and getting into relationships with friends. I find it hard to know any other way. This means that I’m constantly keeping a lid on low-to-high level crushes for unavailable folks. (I think my brain is just wired for romantic/physical attraction to align with emotional closeness...too bad I’m only romantically and physically attracted to men though.) So of course--of COURSE--there is a part of me that wants us to be dating. Inevitably. It’s not helped by the fact that he reminds me so strongly of my first serious boyfriend, a wonderful guy I was with for 3.5 years. And, generally, I blame myself and this fact for any over-reading of things. But then I wonder if I’m not just gaslighting myself (an expert move) b/c I am so worried about coming off as arrogant by thinking he does have romantic feelings.

There are plenty of small things aside from just the constant contact. For one, he was deeply upset by my cancer diagnosis and is taking it all (including my feelings about it) very seriously. And, yeah, that is a very valid reaction, but we haven’t known one another that long...even my exes and friends from 10+ years ago haven’t been as affected, and the people who are have have been in my life for absolute ever. I’m shocked that he and the GF are willing to go through this with me since I feel like I haven’t given them much as friends so far, but they absolutely are so clearly they are just great people.

More frivolously, when one or both of us is intoxicated or otherwise in an altered state he’ll let himself be a lot physically closer to me than usual. Like, it’s actually notable that usually he tries hard not to be touching me, in a way that just has to be deliberate. Friends sit together and knock their shoulders or elbow each other or will pat backs, ruffle hair, share blankets, lean into each other...all the kinds of touching that communicate intimacy without it being sexually charged. If we do that by accident, he’ll move away fast. Except if he’s drunk. And even then it’s absolutely nothing untoward, just drifting into my space, resting knees together. One time we were standing in line for fried food after a bar night, with the GF, all happily drunk, and I leaned into him so our shoulders and arms were pressed together as I read the menu. He moved away so that we weren’t touching. Then, a fraction of a second later, he moved back so that we were pressed together again, like he’d made some kind of decision to do it. He also *never* says anything about my appearance. Like, not even “you look nice” when I’m dressed for an event or “I like your haircut.” Maybe he just doesn’t want to be brought in to validate me or something, but again it feels like it goes against the social norms for friends but makes sense if he’s trying to conceal non-platonic feelings.

We behave enough like a couple that people who encounter us, even at work, often believe we’re together. We share food and drinks (from the same plates or cups) and often bring things that the other has left behind at our places. We have to try not to get the giggles at meetings when inside jokes come up. We tease each other with stories only 2-3 of us (him, me, and GF) know. This is all kind of dumb and, mostly, background noise to a great friendship. I decided that we’d just always have a little tension/chemistry but that we’d probably never mention it and that’s fine. That’s likely right! But this weekend he and I drove up to this cabin together (about 3 hrs each way) and things felt...loaded?

I’m getting tired, so I may need to write down the rest of my thoughts later. But, on the way up, we listened to music and drove through the dark and had some good conversations about friends, family, work, life, etc. The weekend was great (about which more later, hopefully) and then today on the drive back (which, again, is close to 3 hours) we did nothing but talk. First, about life stuff and then, rapidly, about our entire relationship histories. We’d exchanged a lot of that info before--including how much I remind him of the GF before this one, which we affirmed again when I referred to her as “the one who is basically me” and he said “yeah, and in more than the superficial ways too.” To be clear, he wasn’t talking about his current relationship or implying anything like dissatisfaction with it. There was just a whole LOT of dating history, hookup history, good/bad feelings and experiences; the kind of long convo you can have with a friend while burning miles of highway.

We took a break, got back in the car, and I laughed and said “I feel like that was pretty much my whole history but if there’s anything else you want to know AMA!”. I didn’t expect him to take it seriously but he did and basically asked “What crazy things did you do when you were younger” and I was like “in what sense? and what’s do you consider ‘crazy’?” and he was like “I mostly mean sexually...and you get to decide what counts.” So, I don’t have a totally extensive experience to draw from but I have some so I shared a few and was like “what about you?” and then he shared a few. And we had actual real conversations about how relationships make you feel and about the weird nexus of desire and shame that can happen. 

Eventually I was like, “I think that’s everything I could tell you...anything else you wanted to know?”. And he goes quiet for a L O N G time and goes “is there anyone in [place where we live] that you have like a crush on?”. And I am rolling my eyes internally (and possibly externally) because EITHER this is the most obvious ploy to get me to say “oh it’s you!” that I’ve ever heard, or else he so TOTALLY doesn’t think of me that way that he’s not even counting himself as a possibility. So I just go ahead and say, “well, if you weren’t in a relationship I would want to date you” b/c I am not going to coyly misdirect. I’m watching the traffic b/c the highway is crowded so I don’t know what face he made but he says, “Thank you. I mean...yeah. I could see that happening. [pause] But what I meant was is there anyone you have just, like, an idle crush on?”. So then I feel kind of dumb because was that his way of letting me down gently? OR was it way of saying “yeah, what you’re talking about with us is more than an idle crush”?? One way makes me feel stupid for saying anything, and the other makes me feel like he pretty much just told me that we’d be dating if he weren’t with someone else - which is what I suspected but which I also thought it made me arrogant to think. (Or maybe it was just a way to not have to follow up on us both basically admitting that if things were different we’d be a couple.)

There was some other odd stuff, though none of it felt weird in a bad way just like it stuck out a little. (FYI, it was all in fun and not at all awkward - we are super comfortable together.) I was talking about how several times I’ve gotten together with guys for a short time who then went back to their long-term girlfriends and how one of my other friends said I was a “what if” girl; like “sure I have a girlfriend but what if I were with HER??”. And he was like, well yeah, that’s possible and a huge compliment b/c why not dream big? And then later said that clearly I could be a homewrecker if I ever wanted to be (though we both know I wouldn’t). He also told me about another girl who was his ex’s roommate who just started texting him again talking about how she’s unhappy in her relationship; he says they always had chemistry and that she’s reaching out b/c of that but that, obviously, he’s just playing dumb in the text messages and pretending that’s not what she’s doing. But, like, is he letting me know that other people like him? Why? Basically, I couldn’t get a handle on whether this conversation, whatever else it was, had a subtextual vibe of “I have doubts/questions about my current situation” or not.

Having typed it out, though, it sounds a bit like it does? And like they might involve me? Or that it’s just fully a “bad timing” kind of thing where we could date but obviously never will. Can we at least conclude that this is someone who is attracted to me?? It sounds like that, right?

I mean, it also sounds very silly and not appropriate to my age to be going over in such detail but, honestly, if it’s distracting me from cancer that’s kind of just good. Anyway, you are readers and writers of fic and consumers of literature so I appeal to you to let me know what YOU think is going on here...aside from the fact that no matter what I have a great pair of friends who I care very much about. I welcome the distraction....though if you could comment and not reblog that would be great. And thank you for reading this diary entry. ;)