#the loud eating is painful
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I love not being able to even go to the next room over and bake my cake because my fucking father is blaring his stupid fuckjng tv so loud
#LITERALLY FEEL LIKE I CANNOT LEAVE MY TINY HALLWAY.#IT IS PAINFUL. I AM VERY EASILU OVERSTIMULATED BY SOUND.#like. 1 i dont wanna hear his far right talk show shit 2 the people are Loud and often Yell and talk over each other#3 the tv is UNGODLY loud to begin with. i can clearly understand it from across the goddamn hojse with the door closed#my mother ks like 'oh its vause he cant hesr the tv' OK?? HE HAS KNOWN THIS ID AN AISSUE FOR YEARS??#he refuses to do. like. literally anything. even though its now to the point of I Cannot Leabe My Room#and yes! k have noise cancelling headpjones on!#idek how im gonna handle getting dinner#or eating it. since its a Rule toneat at the table. which is rjght next tonthe tv#also i meed. Quiet. for cooking and baking#it uses a lot of my brain power i cannot afford tk spend on processing and filtering excess stimuli
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everyone in my school loves to scream as louyd as they can on purpose to hurt me just because they can
#I'm lying if it isn't clear#but god fuck does it feel like this sometimes#my heart is beating so fast and I feel so sick some girl decided to just start screaming as loud as possible for some reason#it was. excited screams but it was so loud it was so so loud and I immediately flinched and grabbed my head and started breathing hard#its so Painful its like someone is scratching me or scaring me withreally frightening stuff#I fucking hate being autistic sometimes man#OKAY TO REBLOG BY THE WAY. if you have felt like this#listen to my gibberish boy#they all turned to look at me too I saw out of the corner of my eye#its so upsetting here they changed the rules so that the only quiet classroom is now the designated eating spot#for 25+ people#its a small classroom#its really really bad and the school isn't fixing it or doing anything about it and every day is hell because#lunch and break are the only times I can recover from class#and now I Don't Have That#I am on the edge of breaking the fuck down I hate this#my brain is WEVIL#<- meant to say evil but wevil is funnier. my brain is WEEVIL you guys. bug
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i hate ocd because it's so illogical that most advice to combat it ends up being useless. when i tell people i'm irrationally stressed or paranoid about something they try and explain why it's either very unlikely to happen or why it doesn't make sense to be worried about said thing. and i appreciate the sentiment but the problem is i already know that. once my brain thinks of something to be scared of it will graphically torture me with it until i get completely burnt out or have an episode <3333
#on a sort of related note how do i function without being destroyed by guilt for eating or sleeping#when i should be writing my thesis#logically i know that i need to eat and sleep to function and i know how bad i feel when i don't do it#but i still have a constant thing in my head screaming at me for doing it so it stops me from sleeping bc it's so loud#and that's another ocd thing like it literally is a voice it's like someone screaming non stop and it's painful#80% of the reason i have a constant headache and migraines. my brain is SO LOUD#like please stop screaming at me i promise i am trying my best#also sucks because it can be hard to speak to people because it's like i can't hear properly#like sorry if i seem distracted girl there is literally someone in my head yelling full volume#another ocd thing bothering me recently which is REALLY DUMB#is i have this thing where i get scared to delete photos of my cats bc my brain tells me something bad will happen to them if i do#so my phone storage is SO FULL and even though i have backed up the photos on a hard drive and therefore can delete them#my brain is like nononono if you delete the picture of them they will die and you won't remember them#and i told my mother and she's like you need medication again#and i'm like yes i know but antidepressants make me evil and insane#compared to silly and insane as is my current statee#help
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No but like. Men could be the lowest of the low, not be knowing the most basic shit, inept at wit or anything else pertaining to the brain or mind or conscious, and yet the audacity be there. Like. How.
#legit listening to my brother tall of how many qualities he has which mainly just includes having a nice face and using his voice#like this is the dude who is in his last year of high school and absolutely refuses to look at a book for more than half an hour a day#you can imagine the amount of basic knowledgeable he would have with that time period dedicated to studies (not even dedicated hes forcedto)#he knows nothing of the most basic thing needed in class#knows nothing of even the language subjects#and yet thinks just because he can talk he can land a job#theres delusional and then theres this piece of shit#like this family is on the verge of struggling financially and this dude decides to use the lakhs of the rupees worth of tution to eat out#with friends and learn NOTHING#like#im legit so. like i wish he would succeed in life by the sheer power of luck and wishes bc god knows hes a degenerate#yet we care enough to not have him roam around like how it looks like he might bc lets be real if not that he'll end up being a worse pain#but seriously tho how does one be SO behind the very fundamental of human experience and still think their gaming skills and music taste#can save them in this world?#this dude is more or less addicted to his phone and literally like im not exaggerating hes so dumb you have one conversation with him and it#becomes glaringly obvious bc hes so delusional about it that he talks with full confidence but you realise hes not really talking hes just#spitting bs that hes heard on youtube 😭#not to drag him or anything but im seriously so sympathetic. how much of an idiot do you have to be?#to think HIGH SCHOOL education is worthless? hIGH SCHOOL. Tgats like. the very bottom of it.#worst part is he refuses to acknowledge he should get better 🗿#so theres no point in helping bc its one steo forward ten steps back with him#and also feels shitty as fuck to be guiding a fucking 18 yo thru SCHOOL#its fucking SCHOOL FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
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Just learned the hard way that my misophonia(?) does not like that stupid thing tiktok type people do loudly tapping their nails on a bottle or something they're showing to the camera. I heard it for the first time in ages after quitting using tiktok and felt physically repulsed by it.
#you ever have a not loud or otherwise physically harmful sound that still feels physically painful. yea#ramble post#the reason i say misophonia is bc the only thing i can compare it to is how i feel hearing mouth sounds or the sounds of someome eating#bc its very similarly physically repulsive to me
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Song of the Day: January 16
"Coast of Carolina" by Jimmy Buffett
#song of the day#when I said my schedule would be back to normal today apparently what I meant was my sleep schedule would be obliterated today!#it snowed and I wanted to sleep in and so I reset my alarm but then my phone didn't get plugged back in and it died!#I slept through all my work day and woke up feeling quite refreshed to find several politely displeased messages from my boss#unfortunate!#I did sleep incredibly well though. better than I have in maybe a year#anyway my kitchen is clean again finally and my plants probably will not die and I have done quite a lot of frantic report-building for wor#and I'm going to sleep again now to nap for a few hours so I can be awake for real worktime tomorrow and apologize! unfortunate!!!!#love this song though. very soothing to croon. baked lovely brownies to this song while fretting tonight and it did help#edit: I'm awake and I've written out my apologies and Jo is here and purring so so loud#and I woke up with a different Jimmy Buffett song stuck in my head#Coast of Carolina is the one I was humming when I went to bed#but I've woken up with 'The Wino and I Know' which is also a fabulous song and which also did play as I made my sadness brownies#'just like a fool when those sweet goodies cool / I eat til I eat way too much#cause I'm livin on things that excite me / be they pastry or lobsters or love#I'm just tryin to get by / bein quiet and shy / in a world full of pushin and shovin#and the wino and I know / the pain of back bustin / like a farmer knows the pain / of his pickup truck rustin#strange situation / wild occupation / livin my life like a song'#a later edit: my lovely apology message has been left on read. unfortunate!!!!!!!! I do keep laughing though
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Gravity falls has wrecked me emotionally I am not okay
#I DONT REMEMBER IT BEING THIS SAD#The tale of two stans episode broke me I had to take a break from watching to process it#I have so much shit I need to do but I haven't done anything because all I can think about is them#I literally sobbed in public 😭 We were eating in a restaurant and my sister talked about Stan and I started crying#with actual tears and people were looking at me weirdly because I'm loud and was rambling on and on and on about gravity falls while crying#My feet hurt so badly too.. Context: I love to pace around my room esp when I need to think#I needed to walk and think about them because they're so sad and my feet are so sore and my ankle and knee are killing me#My legs are also uneven lengths which makes walking more painful#Shows usually don't upset me and I usually cheer whenever something tragic happens..#Going to go and read more fanfiction to make myself feel better
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well. yesterday was fine so let’s hope i’m not in severe debilitating pain today. or tomorrow
#saturday was so bad i tried to go downstairs to make a sandwich during the night when i felt a bit better#and i straight up almost collapsed onto the floor from the pain. hurt so bad tinnitus was off the charts loud could barely walk#woke up the next day completely fine. could eat and move normally without any issue. was fine today until now#can feel the Beginnings of the pain and am hoping it stays minor and that painkillers work this time#because. guess who has to go to work. this sad fool#if my body’s gonna implode then let it be tomorrow at least when i already have the day off
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I'm such a whiny little fuck when I'm ill but ALSO I FEEL LIKE DEATH AND I HATE IT
#delete later#tgr only positiom that i can properly inhake through my nose is lyinh on my front and that hurts my ribs#i want to sleep but i caht sleep in that position#its also the position that causes the leadt anoibt of pain when i cough#ebery time i get up to do anything im immediately exhausted abd feel out pf breath#i want a ahower but i am concerned the heat will make me more dizzy so gonna have yo wait til tomorrow#im paranoid about getting the cat sick so im keeping my door closed#and i miss her. and im paranoid immpissing off ky flatmates with loud gross coughs even though its not my fault#misery#managed to eat two actual meals today though. soup and bread and it didnt make me feel horrifically nauseous so thats a win#death to viruses
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#hi i want to complain publicly bc i have nothing better to do so. enjoy the picture of this Thing#i am in. so much pain. idk if i've ever been in this much pain#my entire body aches like it would with the flu but no fever#im sore from throwing up#i tried to eat soup and i cant even do that#(i did find a mint tho and my neighbor gave me ginger ale)#and on top of that i just DESTROYED my body when i laid down#i cant stand on my right leg now and my ribs on the right side H U R T#so i am now confined to typing in my bed. no more 5hr sm64 history video for me#i wanted to show off my new pokemon :( i dont wanna ask for the switch tho#plus bright plus loud. im in a dark room with nothing but the AE flag to keep me company jdjfh#i am. so cold#blanket is not enough i need to be set on fire#chat
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imagine being like. human. i'm just a silly little creature. happy cryptid. occasionally a very sad cryptid who ponders its own existence and questions his sanity but. that's mostly during the winter months. we do not speak of the winter months. except for the fact that we are in them and. fuck never mind. i just need some tea and a bit of will wood to ensure my serotonin levels go back to normal and i can be. happy cryptid
#random thoughts#i also do this when i have deprived myself of food for a certain amount of time. don't worry. i am making spaghetti#there will be sauce. with an obscene amount of garlic. i apologize to potential vampire boyfriends#my stomach hurts though so. maybe i'll eat later#but FUCK. i don't want it to be cold#hng. microwaved pasta is just Not As Good. yknow what i mean. it tastes much better fresh#perhaps i will simply eat it cold. i will put parmesan on it. then it will not melt. melted parmesan makes me cry because#i'm a pathetic piss baby who can't stand the texture. or maybe it's the autism diagnosis i don't know#do not mind me. i am simply discussing whether or not i should eat my spaghetti#wait. why did i say making? i haven't even made it yet. lmao#yknow what? no spaghetti for today. i'll just suffer i guess#admitting to pain irl in any way is embarrassing as fuck for some reason? like i felt like i was going to die in french class#the lights were so bright and everyone was so so loud but i couldn't wear my sunglasses in class. hng. and then of course#it stressed me the fuck out. and then. stomachache. at that point i was ready to cry#then my friend saw me and asked if i was okay. i just said yes. she believed me. i think#still suffering. not fun. not fun at all#WHY THE FUCK AM I SO OFF TOPIC. credence you need to stop. please just post this already#actually wait. i will post this. and then just make the sauce. i will put it in the refrigerator and eat it the next day#it is similar to tomato soup. except. cold. and obviously thicker. i don't know why it tastes good. hng#on my way to make the sauce. goodbye everyone
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we found another of scrambled eggs' siblings!! boxtop
#he is small and LOUD#and constantly vocal stims with its own name#so we just have an unending chorus of BOXTOP! BOXTOP! BOXTOP!!!!#so far there are Three Of Them#Rumbling Belly is the oldest and largest and abt the size of a saint bernard#Scrambled Eggs is cat sized and eats things it shouldn't#and then Boxtop is abt half the size of Eggs and TWICE AS LOUD MY GOD THIS TINY THING'S LUNGPOWER IS UNMATCHED#they're all lindwyrms and when they get large enough they stop being able to fly#so while Eggs can still glide around and Boxtop gets inside the ceiling constantly#Rumbling Belly cannot fly and is actually really large for his species#large enough that his belly drags along the ground so his belly scales are all worn off#he doesn't move much#unless carted around we have like. one of those lumber carts they have at lowes in headspace to transport large animals#bc one time percy shapeshifted and then suddenly went fully catatonic in headspace and nearly drowned in the innerworld river#so we had to RUSH to find a way to get them out of the water when they're twice the size and weight of the two humans in front#because. we actually have to be afraid of innerworld injuries. bc they end up being permanent for us???#joel still gets phantom spine pain from when HE got stabbed#jimmy still can't walk in headspace#it's confusing
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When u suddenly realise how long of a day you've had and you've reached ur limit three hours ago
#I WOKE UP AT 7 AND I WENT TO A V STRESSFUL MEETING AND THEN HAD CLASS#AND DURING CLASS THE DOCENT SHOWED EMOTIONAL ELEPHANT CLIPS AND I WANTED TO CRY#AND THEN I HAD TO WAIT UNTIL 7 PM BC THERE WAS GONNA BE A MEETING OF NEW DORM MATES#PIZZA ARRIVED AT SEVEN SO I ATE LATE#AND EVERYTHING WAS SO LOUD AND I WAITED TO LONG TO USE MY EARPLUGS#I HAVE TO CRY AND STARE AT A WALL AND SLEEP 😭😭😭😭😭😭#Also i smoked yesterday but my headache came back w a vengeance after the pain killing effects wore off and i didnt sleep great#I felt weirdly slightly overstimulated after smoking???? Like it was fine during the peak but I felt so intense after#On top of that i couldnt find the right neck warmer to sleep#And also IM HUNGRY NOW BUT I ATE AN EXTRA TWO SLICES OF BREAD TO COMPENSATE FOR NOT EATING A LOT OF PIZZA#BUT SKRIIWHAKFJS FKSHDKAHRKDJSN somebody SEDATE MEEEEEEEEEEEE#WHY DO I FEEL A BREEZE ON MY HIP!!!! I AM UNDERNEATH A BLANKET
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got lost looking for the hotel, finally found it, its 3.30pm, check in is from 3pm, my room isn't ready help
#why is everything going wrong today#I'm in more pain now from walking and the heat is getting to me lmao#sorry I'm complaining so much I'm v lonely lmao#also like. ready to shut down i think#really need to force myself to speak when I'm checking in or paying for stuff#like. idk why I'm struggling to actually speak out loud#I'm so hungry and tired gonna get ready find somewhere to eat and go i think#i can't wait to go home lmao
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being in a family of other addicts is weird, i never really thought of it like that but us all being in town together for my graduation has just been like (ENABLES U) (ENABLES U) (ENABLES U)
#i dont even think of us as addicts rly even tho we all are. like. medically and socially. hell i may not know him but my birth father is in#PRISON for addict behavior soooo#anyway i made some mild drug choices and though i was pretty immediately displeased with the sensations and their consequences nothing#overtly bad happened this time so id call it a neutral thing#i just had a couple beers bc i was sad and my grandad had an entire bottle of wine by himself prior to that#and like a couple beers is Fine but i didnt realize my tolerance had tanked and i shouldnt drink out of sadness and i only got. sadder. so.#at least they tasted good mm duvel (LOUD CRYING) anyway good luck babe by chappell roan#and i had some weed w my dad. i forgot how much i hate getting weed from other ppl bc ive never found a Soul who knows weed like i do so#theyll just go 'oh it's for sleep.' 'no like what strain is it' '8#ignore the 8 lol anyway#'idk' 'ok then is it like hybrid or do you not know' 'yeah idk' cool at least my dad knew the mg#i honestly needed to eat like in a bad way ive had so much trouble eating recently even eating out so this was helpful on that front#think this might be my first like properly full stomach in a while#and i definitely did need the nap but i DIDNT need the muscle pain#so to answer my own question to my dad earlier that was a HYBRID with the worst characteristic of sativa in it#cause that shit makes pain far more obvious sometimes and man has my whole body hurt for a few days#anyway speaking of body pain im helping a friend move tomorrow THEN going to bjj skdnsksms#it's fine im fine#anyway yeah long story long im Good and i couldve refused my family's offers yes and i have before and have often while theyve been here!#but i didnt because we all in my family got that same 'ehhh fuck it i deserve this' attitude sometimes#but nothing blew up this time though i still didnt like it so again. reminding myself that even when it goes well i still just Dont Like It#ergo do not do the thing#sobriety update#drugs tw#lessons of the hand and the mouth
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Literally lying in bed like a Victorian child about to perish from the consumption
#woke up at 6am because the birds were being loud as shit outside my window that i’d forgotten to close#this is also why my allergies are going absolutely haywire i think#apparently i’d slept weird on my pillow (or just not slept enough. since i was still awake at like 12:40) because i have a really bad pain#in the back of my neck. the kind of pain that is sickening#normally i’d put voltarol on it but i JUST washed my hair. i don’t want to apply sticky gunk directly to it#so i went hunting through the house for a heat pad#i couldn’t find my wheat bag OR the rechargeable thing i use when i get my period so i had to do a hot water bottle#thankfully i had the wherewithal to take my pills while i waited for the kettle to boil#then i went back to bed with the hot water bottle#i haven’t been able to get back to sleep and my neck still hurts. i think a bit less bad but it definitely still hurts#i feel so wimpy and rubbish#i’m also about to get my period like any second now. ANY second now. it’s two days late#sidenote i keep getting my period really late and like there’s fuckall that happens. i don’t know if it’s my diet? my exercise routine?#my meds?? i just take citalopram and a prescription antihistamine#and i haven’t really changed much about my diet apart from i eat less processed crap now. i eat stuff my ancestors would recognise as food#just literally i’ve become an ingredient person instead of a ‘chuck stuff in the oven and forget about it’ person#and i run thrice a week now. is that enough to make my uterus act weird? 🧐#anyway if you need me i’m going to get up because maybe if i have breakfast and take ibuprofen i will feel better#personal
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