#the last like 6 months of my life have made me so fucking hopeless

[timiddot]

i need a new job but im disabled and autistic and i cant drive and ive only ever worked one job before the one i currently work and i don't have any college and the job market is so bad right now i don't know what to do at all i just need to make more money but i'm completely fucking drained mentally and physically from my current shitty job that isn't even that hard i'm just weak to the point where i don't have the energy to look for other jobs and my fucking computer is kinda broken and i really want to work a remote job but i can't with my computer like that and i don't know what to do but i can't keep earning fucking $9 an hour with like 20 hours a week but i can't work another retail job or i think i will genuinely lose my mind more than i already have and that therapist hasn't gotten back to me and i don't know what to fucking do at all i am so lost i just want it all to be fucking over!!!! AND IM SICK HAHAHA FUCK ME !

[tightjeansjavi]

In the Warmth of Your Love

part II of Burning in a Hopeless Dream

Chapter one | “can’t quit you, baby”

A/N: to kick off my 1 year celebration of writing fic…we’re going right back to my roots! 🤭 to my devoted Gwen & Joel fans, this one is for y’all! I wrote this back in October after taking a looong hiatus from the series. The original path was to pick up on chapter 17 and continue to follow the path of the show. I decided that trying to essentially rewrite the events that take place after Bill & Franks episode was just too much for me to handle. I knew I wanted to continue Joel & Gwen’s story, but I didn’t know what that would end up looking like!

In the Warmth of Your Love takes place after the events in the hospital.

~word count: 3.1k~

Summary: a glimpse into your new life in Jackson with Joel.

Pairing | joel miller x f!oc

Warnings: fluff, angst, smut, established relationship, found family, age gap, (oc is in her early 30’s and Joel is in his 50’s) unprotected piv, pining, cock warming, dirty talk, praise kink, domestic intimacy, they’re so in love it hurts, +18 minors dni!

series masterlist

“Swear to me.”

“Swear to me that everything you said about the Fireflies is true, Joel.”

“I swear.”

_

6 months had passed since you and Joel murdered every single Firefly in the Salt Lake City hospital. 6 months since Joel swore to Ellie that everything he told her about the Fireflies was true. That they had stopped looking for a cure, and raiders attacked the hospital. That there were more people like Ellie that were immune.

It was all a lie. One that you and Joel carried on your shoulders everyday. As Ellie’s guardians, you and Joel made the decision that you both felt was the right one.

“Jesus fuck, Joel. What the hell did you do?” Tommy asked his brother the day after the three of you showed back up on Jackson’s doorstep.

“I did what I had to do. I protected her. I saved her. I killed every last person that stood in the way of me getting to Ellie. They were going to kill her, Tommy. They were going to kill her and I—we couldn’t let that happen. Ellie didn’t want to die. I know she didn’t because she fuckin’ told me before we were ambushed. I killed Marlene. I killed the doctor who was going to perform the surgery. I killed them all.” Joel admitted.

Tommy scrubbed a hand down his face with a heavy sigh as he sank back against the chair. “And Gwen? What was her role in all of this?”

“She killed them too. We did it together.”

“Does..Ellie know the truth?” Tommy already knew the answer but he wanted to hear it from Joel’s mouth first.

“No, she doesn’t. And she never will know what happened in that hospital. She can live her life the way she deserves to. She can make friends and be happy for once in her fuckin’ life.”

“Joel, I can’t have two murders livin’ in town. Maria won’t stand for it, and you know that brother.”

“Tommy, please. I’m your brother, for fuck’s sake. Gwen and I only did what we felt was right. Wouldn’t you do the same if it was your kid? You don’t have to tell Maria the truth. Don’t we deserve a second chance at peace too?”

“It doesn’t matter what the fuck I would have done in that situation Joel! You—you fucking murdered an entire hospital of Fireflies! This town doesn’t condone violence, and if anyone were to ever find out—”

Joel was leaning forward in his chair, his hands clasped together as he looked at his brother, right in his eyes with pure desperation in his deep brown irises. “I’ll be carryin’ that burden for the rest of my fuckin’ days. You’ve killed people too, Tommy. Just because you’ve been living here with a loving wife, and a baby on the way, doesn’t mean that the blood on your own goddamn hands gets erased. Listen to me, okay? Gwen is a good fucking person. She’s got a huge heart and she deserves a second chance too. She’s good with horses, and I can help you with any of the heavy lifting shit that gets done around here. Please, Tommy. Please let us stay.”

Tommy stared right back at his brother and deep down he knew he couldn’t turn him away, no matter how hard he tried.

“Okay. All three of you can stay, under one condition. You never, and I mean never speak about what happened at that hospital to anyone. You hear me Joel? Never.”

“I swear on my life that I will never speak about it again. You have my word Tommy.”

_

Maria was no idiot and Tommy knew this all too well about his wife. “They’ll stay in the house they were in the last time they came through here. Joel said that Gwen has worked with horses before and can help out around the stables, and Joel can help me with fixin’ things ‘round here. He’s really good with that stuff.”

“We have enough mouths to feed as it is Tommy. I really don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Maria, Joel is my brother. He’s been through hell, all three of them have. I’m not going to turn them away so can we please come up with a compromise here?”

“Fine. I just don’t want Joel or Gwen near any weapons. If they’re going to live here, then they’re going to abide by our rules. Ellie will go to school with the rest of the kids and I expect Gwen to also help out with food prep and the Tipsy Bison. Joel can help you with the handiwork projects, and in time he can help out on patrol.”

“Ellie will probably end up fighting tooth and nail to not go back to school, but I’m sure we can work that out.”

-

In the early mornings you were helping out in the stables. Feeding the horses, mucking stalls, and grooming. It was easy enough to fall back into a routine that you had known so well from your teen years. You knew horses better than anyone in Jackson did, and you were beyond grateful at being given a fresh start. Your afternoons were spent in the mess hall kitchen. Prepping vegetables and breaking down chickens for dinner. Food was abundant in a place like this, and you weren’t sure if you would ever grow used to the feeling of no longer having to starve.

Your evenings after dinner were spent at the Tipsy Bison, working behind the bartop with Tommy. If there was one thing the men in Jackson loved, it was a pretty woman serving them whiskey after a long day out on patrol. At the end of each day there was only one man you wanted to see in your bed, and that man was Joel; your Joel.

These days you hardly saw him or Ellie. Your schedules were different. With Ellie at school and working at the stables in the afternoon, and Joel helping Tommy in the mornings, and then patrolling through the evening, there was barely any time for you to spend together. He still held you at night through his exhaustion, but he too missed the way things used to be.

The days flew by, summer had come and gone. The seasons changed and the air grew colder, and the nights grew longer.

You had just finished wiping down the bartop after the last of the stragglers headed home for the night. You carefully placed every bottle of liquor back onto the shelf before scrubbing the glasses clean. The record player crackled in the background, Led Zeppelin's ‘I Can’t Quit You Baby’ a rock n’roll classic. You hummed the tune, swaying your hips subconsciously to the low beat.

The door to the Tipsy Bison swung open on the hinges as you let out a sigh, not looking up from the table you were wiping down. “We’re closed for the evening. You’ll have to come back tomorrow.”

“I don’t wanna anythin’ to drink.” Joel rasped as he closed the door behind him.

“Joel? What are you doing here?..it’s late, shouldn’t you be at home?” You looked up at him through thick lashes.

“Couldn’t sleep. Decided to go for a walk, n’ended up here. I miss you..so much. Hardly get to see much of ya at all. Jus’ thought we could spend some time together, even if it’s gotta be in a place like this.”

“I miss you too, Joel. You know I do.”

“I know, baby. I know.” He paused as his gaze fell upon your exhausted face, and tired eyes. “S’that Zeppelin playin?’” He rested his elbow along the high top you had just wiped down.

“Yeah, one of the patrol guys found it for me in an abandoned house a few miles west. It’s got a few scratches but is otherwise in fair shape.”

“Mm.” He hummed under his breath. “S’you got admirers then? Can’t say I blame ‘em. Pretty thing like you servin’ them whiskey all night? How do ya keep ‘em at bay?” His brow raised in curiosity.

“With this.” You slipped your knife from the holster hidden under your shirt with ease. “Tommy keeps them on a tight leash anyway. They know not to try anything funny.”

“Breakin’ the rules already? Maria said no weapons, sweetheart.” He leaned forward along his elbow as his fingers reached out and brushed against the worn hilt of your knife. He could just barely make out your carved initials through the thick wood. “You tell ‘em that you're mine? That you’re Joel’s girl, and that if any of ‘em ever were to—”

“Joel, relax. No one has tried anything past harmless flirting. Everyone knows that you and I..we’re an item. What Maria doesn’t know won’t kill her. My knife is a safety net that I’m just not ready, nor willing to give up right now.”

“We’re more than an item, Gwen. We’re partners for life. I know your knife is your safety net. I know it is, baby. S’why I still sleep with a gun under my pillow. Knowin’ it’s there helps calm me, but the one person that keeps my nightmares at bay ain’t home. She’s not in bed with me cus’ she’s here servin’ whiskey all night to men that probably fantasize about what it’s like to be with a woman like you.” He breathed out and you could taste his warm breath along your unkissed lips.

“Of course we are Joel. I got you, you got me. That hasn’t changed, and it never will. We’re both in this adjustment period and it’s tough. I’d much rather be at home with you and Ellie, but Maria said I had to ‘pay’ my dues.” You gently placed your knife along the smooth wooden surface of the table. “Are you sure there’s nothing I can get you to drink, Mr. Miller?”

“If you’re on the menu for tonight, then that’s what I’ll be havin.’”

“I believe we might be all sold out of that for tonight. Let me go check in the back just to be sure.” You were already turning on your heel to walk away before you felt his warm and calloused palm wrap around your wrist, halting you from taking another step.

“Ain’t you got a little love left for me? When’s the last time I’ve tasted those lips, hm?” He gently coaxed you to step towards him, and once you were close enough, his hand released your wrist and found purchase around your hip through muscle memory. His fingers flexed as his thumb slipped through the belt loop on your jeans. “Y’remember that night after teachin’ Robert a lesson? When we fucked in that back alley without a care in the goddamn world if FEDRA would catch us or not? Remember when we would..have fun? Don’tcha miss that?”

“I’ve always got love left for you Joel. I can’t remember the last time we kissed without us thinking it would be the last time. I do remember that night, just as if it had happened yesterday.” Your hands found themselves resting along his shoulders, squeezing them gently through the material of his worn jacket. In the low lighting your eyes discerned the speckled gray in his beard, and the salt and pepper silver strands of hair. His chapped lips, his inviting eyes that always softened their hardness around you. “We had fun, Joel but between all of that there was so much—”

“No. Don’t say another word. Y’hear me? We don’t have to run. We don’t have to hide. We don’t have to fight. We’re safe here. You, me and Ellie. I won’t deny that you and I—we’ve suffered, but in that suffering we have loved goddammit. We have loved so fuckin’ hard. You're the breath in my lungs, n’you’re the soft breeze kissin’ on my skin. You’re the sun risin n’settin’ everyday. You’re the moonlight guidin’ me home. Your eyes twinkle brighter than any goddamn star in that sky. You’re my—” his words were stolen from his lips as you yanked on the collar of his jacket and pulled him down to your awaiting lips. You kissed him so deeply it felt like both the air from yours and his lungs was being knocked from your bodies. A cataclysmic wave of emotions washed through your veins as you pulled him as close as physically possible. Tongues tangled as you stumbled back against the nearest stable surface; the bartop counter.

“When did you become such a fuckin’ poet, Joel?” You asked breathlessly between kisses as your fingers tangled recklessly through his hair.

“Started readin’ more. Shakespeare mostly.” He mumbled against your lips as he stepped between your thighs, pressing your back firmly against the counter.

“You hate Shakespeare.” You retorted, gripping his hair tighter as your free hand started to desperately tug and push the fabric of his jacket down from his broad shoulders.

“You love Shakespeare.” He countered.

“Less talking, more kissing please. I gotta say it’s fucking hot that you are reading more. I find that so fucking sexy Joel.”

“Yeah? Think it’s sexy when a rugged old man like me reads Shakespeare?” He helped you remove his jacket completely as he threw it to the floor in a haste.

“You’re not that old, baby. Besides, I like your salt and pepper hair and little gray patches in your beard. You’re so fucking beautiful Joel.”

“I’m pretty fuckin’ old, baby. Old and a little gray, but I still got it n’me to fuck you stupid. Jus’ the way that my girl likes it. Them dogs out there don’t know how to handle a woman of your caliber. Now, hop up that pretty lil’ ass up on that counter f’me.”

“You don’t have to ask me twice Mr. Miller.” You detached your lips from his momentarily as you hoisted yourself up onto the edge of the countertop. You wasted no time to grasp the end of your t-shirt and yank it over your head.

“Someone is fuckin’ eager.” He chuckled as he pulled his sweater and Henley long sleeve over his head. He was feeling like the man he once was again; you were feeling like a woman reborn as he popped the button of your jeans and tugged the zipper down as you reached for his belt in a haste, listening to the familiar metal clanking sound.

“Only ever eager for you Joel. You gonna touch me or just ogle?” You teased with a light giggle as your arms draped around his neck. Your bodies were littered with scars, old and new. Two torn canvases splattered with remnants of a life once solely based upon survival.

Joel tugged your jeans down over your hips before his movements paused as his eyes flitted down to the long scar across your lower abdomen. His fingers brushed across the raised skin before he leaned down and pressed his lips to it. “I love you so fuckin’ much, Gwen.” His lips ghosted across your hip bone.

“I love you so fucking much too, Joel. I need you so bad. Please, baby. Don’t make me beg for it. It’s been too fucking long, and I think I’ll pass out if I don’t have your cock inside of me in the next five minutes.”

“Baby, you’re so generous...givin’ me five minutes to give it to ya?” He looked up at you, grinning like a devil as he slowly peeled your panties down your thighs and past your ankles. “What about your pussy? Think she’s missed me a lot too? Cus’ I’ve missed her so fuckin’ much.” He dragged his fingers southward across your pubic bone, dipping into the sweet sticky slick between your folds. “Mmm. Yeah, I’d say she missed me too. This all f’me?”

Your back instinctively arched towards his touch as your thighs spread open the slightest. Between the cool surface of the countertop, and Joel’s warm touch you were positively dripping for him. “Mhmm..she’s missed you too. So fucking much.” You mewled and slowly reached your hand between your bodies as you palmed him through his briefs. “Give. It. To. Me. Now.”

You nearly growled the words out.

“There she is. There’s my fuckin’ girl. Always know how to get your man goin’ huh? You ain’t even gotta try sweetheart. M’always fuckin’ ready for you.” His lips were on yours once more. Kissing you with the same amount of fervency as he always did. His mouth claimed yours as he freed himself from his briefs. You felt his tip notch between your folds as you took a synchronized broken gasp.

Your hands were grasping at his shoulders, nails scraping at his skin as he slowly sunk himself to the hilt. Joel always had this way of making you feel impossibly filled with him. It was as if your bodies were in fact made for one another, fitting like two puzzle pieces as his forehead pressed lightly against yours. “Fuckin’ Christ. Missed this feelin’ of your pussy huggin’ me like this baby. Always so fuckin’ tight.”

He jutted his hips forward with one harsh thrust that had you both shuddering from the intense pleasurable feeling of being connected once more.

“I’ll—I’ll never get tired of this feeling.” You moaned his name, rolling your hips to meet his thrusts.

“What feelin?’” He rasped.

“Feeling so fucking filled by you. So complete. So warm.”

“S’like you and I were made for each other. All mine, all yours.” His free hand that wasn’t wrapped around your hip drifted down to where your bodies were connected. His thumb easily found your clit as he rubbed it expertly in tight circles.

“Fuck! Yes, keep—keep doing that baby. Don’t stop. Please don’t stop, Joel.” You begged him.

“Ain’t gonna stop. I can’t quit you baby. Can’t quit ya. Never can. Never will. I got you, you got me.” He used what was left of his energy to fuck into you the way that you deserved so that feeling that only he could give you would reside deep within your veins even after your body’s were spent, and he had grown soft in your comforting warmth around him.

He kissed your skin delicately as your sweat slicked bodies stayed pressed together. He kissed your forehead, your cheekbones, your eyelids. Your chin, the tip of your nose and your lips. He cleaned the evidence of yours and his releases from between your thighs before you helped one another redress.

He walked you home, arm draped over your shoulders as your slap-happy giggles and enthusiastic chatter filled the chilled night air with domestic warmth.

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[peachyomega]

Askew 💕

Summary: STRICKPAGE (Taking place 2 weeks after Revolution)

This is a follow up to my other fic Love Me Not, but you don't have to read that one to enjoy this one.

Rating: NC-17

Characters: Hangman Adam Page X Swerve Strickland

Warnings: Bondage, Desperate Longing, Slight Dom/Sub, Mirror Play, Tragic Bfs, Sad Boy Hours

Words: 2228

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Swerve stood before the costume racks and sighed bitterly. Someone had come in during the show to “tidy up”. They had taken all of the clothing Swerve had left strewn across the locker room floor, and hung it all up. “Great. So fucking helpful.” he grumbled.

Deciding there was nothing else for it, Swerve began sorting his things from what was on the racks and removing them from the hangers to toss into his bag. He must have been doing this a little too aggressively since he heard a stitch pop at the shoulder of one of his newer sweaters as he pulled it down. He cursed under his breath and threw the thing roughly into his duffel.

He had brought out more things than he usually did because he could not decide on an outfit for his run-in that night. He and Prince Nana spent nearly an hour before his cue trying on different combinations of clothes, with Swerve snapping at Nana more than once. Swerve wanted to look as tough and intimidating as possible while also showing an edge of sex appeal. He had ultimately decided on his big, black, fur lined coat (oiled, bare chest underneath) and paired it with some distressed boot cut jeans that looked straight out of 2003. The y2k era’s aesthetics were returning to the fashion world, and he thought he resembled a character from a Blade or Underworld movie in his getup, which suited him just fine. 

He had watched his entrance on the monitors afterward and felt he had nailed the vibe he was going for well enough, but even so he didn’t feel very pleased with himself, or with anything really. Something dark that he was failing to suppress was itching away at the back of his mind, casting a gloom over his mood, and causing him to have a bubbling, frustrated anger toward practically everything else. Even Nana had left the venue early without him, likely aware that would have been the best bet for him tonight.

Swerve had no one he could talk to about what was bothering him, which made the situation feel all the more looming and hopeless, coupled with the fact that he was pissed at himself for even feeling this way… About him…

It had been two weeks since they’d last seen each other. Two weeks since their post-show tryst in the hallway. Two weeks, and yet Swerve could still remember exactly how his rival’s lips had tasted. He found himself having involuntary flashbacks of that night almost constantly. It was to the point that he was spending his days in an unfocused, frustrated haze, and his nights in a writhing mess in his sheets. He was unable to escape his fixation on the cowboy, even in his dreams.

Swerve’s eyes landed on his gold and silver arm warmers lying amongst the mess of clothing on the floor, and he stooped to pick them up. He ran his fingers along the smooth, stretchy fabric and watched how it shimmered in the locker room lights. He recalled random memories of the last time he’d worn them, including an image of his fingers grasping soft, golden curls…

“Fuck!” Swerve shouted in frustration, tossing the gear away from him. Did his every thought have to be so consumed with Hangman? He didn’t even know when he’d see him again, and he missed him this much already? A part of him felt so lost. His and Adam’s feud had dominated the better part of the last 6 months of his life, and to be completely cut off from it all now seemed cruel. Swerve felt like he was infected by his heartache. Like he was actually sick with a disease he had no idea how to cure. As his misery threatened to boil over he heard a soft shuffling behind him.

Before he could react, he felt warm palms spread across his upper back and linger for a moment before they pushed him forward roughly. Swerve’s chest collided with the wide, wooden locker door in front of him, and his breath came out in a whoosh. He tried to turn himself around, but his wrist was grabbed and his arm was twisted and pushed into his lower back, pinning him in place. Swerve cried out in pain and protest before he felt another hand wrap around his locs and pull, forcing his head back.

It only took a moment for Swerve’s surprise to turn into fury, and he began struggling forcefully to free himself until he felt lips against his ear, and breath on his neck. “Swerve…” his assailant whispered.

Swerve froze. He tried to turn his head, his eyes bending back as far as they could to try to catch a glimpse of who was behind him, but he didn’t need to see him to know. “Adam?” He asked breathlessly.

Adam didn’t respond, but drove his knee between Swerve’s legs from behind, and bent down to retrieve something from the floor. As he straightened up, he pressed a kiss to Swerve’s bare shoulder. “Give me your other arm.” He said.

Swerve hesitated. His mind was still trying to comprehend the situation he was in, but it seemed his body wasn’t struggling to understand at all. The small contact of Adam’s warm mouth against his bare skin was enough to make his cock begin to stiffen with excitement, and he decided to give in to what Adam had asked of him. 

He let his right arm go slack and Adam immediately snatched it up and began wrapping something around both of his wrists, binding them. “What are you…?” Swerve began to ask, before Adam shushed him. Once Swerve was properly bound, Adam leaned in to press his body against him. He ground his hips against Swerve’s ass, and Swerve felt Adam’s cock growing hard against him before his hands began roaming over his body.

Keeping Swerve pinned between himself and the door, Adam groped him all over. First his chest, then his sides, his stomach, and his hips. He squeezed him hard there and thrust his own hips against him roughly. His hands wandered hungrily back up to Swerve’s chest and he began rubbing and flicking his nipples until Swerve whimpered so softly Adam barely heard it. 

“I think you can do better than that…” Adam murmured against Swerve’s ear. “I want you to moan for me.”

Adam reached down and smoothed his hand over Swerve’s growing erection, causing him to gasp. Swerve closed his eyes and let his head fall back against Adam’s shoulder as he rubbed his cock through his jeans.

Suddenly Adam yanked on Swerve’s bound wrists and spun him away from the wall. He walked him over to stand in front of the locker room mirror, staying behind him. 

As he took in their reflection, Swerve’s eyes found Adam’s and he wanted so badly in that moment to turn around and kiss the cowboy. Two weeks had been far too long to go without seeing him after all they had been through, and Swerve didn’t look away from Adam as he undid Swerve’s pants with one hand, peeling them away from his hard cock.

Once it was free, Adam took it in hand and squeezed, which caused Swerve to cry out a low moan. Adam’s eyes fluttered shut at the sound “Good…” he praised.

Adam began slowly working his hand up and down Swerve’s shaft, watching Swerve closely in the mirror. His other hand wrenched down on Swerve’s wrists again, forcing his back to arch.

A pleased half smile played on Adam’s lips as he watched his captive’s body strain and bend in the mirror’s reflection. He picked up his pace on Swerve’s cock as he said “You look so good tonight, Swerve. So fucking good.”

Swerve could do little more than pant in response. Adam was showing zero restraint in the attention he was giving his cock, which was now leaking warm precum. His hands slid slick and quick over Swerve’s cock over and over, faster and faster, almost like he was trying to overstimulate him on purpose.

As the sensations were starting to become too much, Swerve cried out again, much louder than the before, and thrashed against Adam’s hold.

Adam bore down on Swerve’s wrists again to make him go still, but he finally stopped touching him. They both watched as Swerve’s wet, swollen cock bounced and throbbed in response to its sudden release. Adam chuckled darkly. “Did you miss me?” He asked, turning his face toward Swerve’s and planting a biting kiss against his neck.

Swerve worked to catch his breath for a moment before responding. “Yes… Why are you back?”

Adam met Swerve’s eyes again in the mirror. “It’s been hard for me to stay away, suspended or not. I missed you, too.” 

With that, he moved in closer and guided Swerve’s face to his. He kissed him, long and deep.

Swerve met Adam’s lips eagerly. Kissing Adam like this felt like the first sip of water after a long drought, like the first gasping breath after almost drowning. 

He lost himself in Adam’s mouth, his tongue writhing out from between his lips to caress his lover’s. Adam responded by forcing his tongue into Swerve’s mouth, licking anything inside of him that he could reach. They went on like this with increasing intensity until Adam’s hand resumed its hold of Swerve’s cock. Swerve moaned into the cowboy’s mouth as he went, and this time it wasn’t long until Swerve felt like he was about to cum. He tried to keep kissing him, but Adam broke away and returned his eyes to the mirror. “Watch yourself as you cum, baby.” He said.

Swerve watched Adam’s face in the mirror before his gaze drifted lower, taking in the sight of Adam’s hand pumping away at him.  Adam watched, too, as Swerve’s hips seemed to shudder and a series of massive cum jets burst out of his cock, falling sloppily to the floor and soaking Adam’s hand. Swerve moaned and spasmed through each one, but kept his eyes on himself just as Adam had instructed.

When he was done, Adam released him, and he sank to his knees on the floor, panting. Swerve lifted his head to look over at Adam, but was surprised to be met with his hard cock being shoved into his face instead. Adam guided the tip past Swerve’s lips and into his panting mouth.

Swerve coughed at first, shocked at the abrupt invasion, but he quickly recovered after hearing the noises Adam made in response to feeling his tongue. He pushed his tongue out of his mouth to lick along Adam’s full length. Adam pushed himself deeper into the mouth his tongue had just explored so thoroughly moments before.

Swerve caught sight of himself in the mirror. Hands still bound behind his back, pants falling down his hips, his used cock still glistening with cum while his lover thrust himself into his mouth, all the while kneeling in his own mess. He felt desired, sexy, and slutty in the kind of way that only passionate, dirty fucking could make him feel, and he loved it. 

He rolled his eyes up to watch Adam’s face, let his jaw go slack and his tongue hang out, opening his throat up to take Adam deeper.

Adam panted and whimpered as he thrust into Swerve’s lewd, drooling mouth. He tried to keep his strokes short, but Swerve seemed to want to take him as deep as he possibly could, and Adam couldn’t hold on for long.

Swerve gagged a little as Adam came down the back of his throat, hot cum filling him up to the point that he couldn’t draw breath. Adam lingered inside him a little too long once he was spent, and Swerve had to pitch forward, coughing and spitting onto the floor as he tried to catch his breath.

Adam leaned down next to him “Are you alright?” he asked. He moved to untie Swerve’s hands. He had used one of Swerve’s gold and silver arm warmers to bind him. He took the thing and tossed it back across the room. 

Swerve rubbed his wrists, which he now realized were sore. Adam reached out and took them instead, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles into Swerve’s skin.

He gave Swerve a small smile.

All at once Swerve became overwhelmed. He felt tears begin to prickle behind his eyes, and he lunged forward to wrap Adam up in his arms. Adam was startled for a moment, but wrapped his arms around Swerve, too. They sat in their embrace for several moments while Swerve’s tears silently stained Adam’s black T shirt. “What’s wrong?” Adam finally asked. “I’m sorry I was so rough with you, I just wanted–”

Swerve cut him off. “It’s fine. That’s not it. I’m sorry, I just– I’m so happy to see you. Too happy. Adam… I know it was only two fucking weeks, but… Don’t leave me alone for that long again, okay?” He gave Adam a weak smile, the overhead lights making the tears on his lashes sparkle.

Adam’s smile was wide, and he chuckled low in his chest. “Okay, I promise. Fuck a suspension! My bitter rival needs to see me on a regular basis, and who am I to deny him?.” 

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Thanks for reading 🥰

[kamiko1234]

Okay yeah done with chapter 6 and YIKES. So first off, idk what's going on with that River, and I do not like it. Love Hestia tho, only god that isn't a total fail so far. I sort of love how Hestia, godess of the home and hearth, is the last olympian. With the book diving into Luke's past and shows his home also being called The Last Olympian. 10/10 symbolism, love it. The real meat of the chapter I cared about was May tho. And well,

Ouchie. Doubly, triple OUCHIE. Like fuck my life you guys no WONDER did that poor boy go off the deep end! I'd do that same if that's what my home life looked like!

But also, poor May????? LIKE- omfg, imagine what that sort of life must be like. I already said I knew her fate before, I knew she wanted to take the oracle of Delphi which was cursed by Hades (fuck him btw). And that Luke was a baby still when it happened. But reading her truly brought a whole new perspective. What do you think her first vision was like? The first ever time she saw what would happen to Luke. What her son would live through- what he'd become. What she'd become.

What would it be like to know that you'd be going insane, sooner or later. That your little baby boy would run away from you 'cause he couldn't take it anymore? That your little baby boy would start to carry so much anger and hurt and hatred in his heart partially because of what happened to you. Did May attempt to fight against it? Did she try to keep herself grounded? Herself sane? Thinking that all she had to do to avoid her baby's fate would be to stay strong? Do you think she blamed herself? Do you think that May, looking down at her sleeping baby son, would blame herself for what he'd become? What must it have been like those first few days, weeks, maybe even months when her mind wasn't fully gone? Hermes never visited, and Luke was a baby when it happened. Surely May must have been mentally well enough to take care of Luke for at least a bit.

Do you think she realized it? That she was slowly driven mad? Do you think some part of her knew that her mind was crumbling, and despaired over it all coming true? Only for the despair to have her go insane even faster in a hopeless attempt to deny the truth? Has Luke stopped liking PB&J sandwhiches and cookies and Kool-Aid? After all this time or running and changing and growing, do you think that he still likes the lunch his mother keeps making for him ? Made for him every day even if he never returned? Do you think he ate a sandwich and cookies and drank Kool-Aid when he visited May? Do you think he hugged her, and called her Mum? Told her he was going to be safe, when part of him always knew he wasn't?

Do you think May cried, seeing Luke again? All grown up? With a scar and with his weapons? Do you think part of her shattered mind realized that it was her son's fate afterall? Even if she'd never accept it as the truth?

(As always, I ask everyone to please not spoil me!)

[ribbonmiku]

do y’all wanna hear something so super awesome?

so im trying to get in touch with a case worker thorugh a community mental health center to help me apply for ssi/disability, because i’ve already been denied twice, and it’s become clear that the system is so complicated that i need someone who’s job it is to help. to access him, i need to see one of their therapists, who only has availability for me once every 6 weeks. after our second session she said she’d email the case worker and that he would contact me in a month. i guess she didnt, or he didnt, because that never happened.

third session, it’s been over three months now that i’ve been trying to see the fucking case worker. i ask her again. she says she’ll email him and it’ll be two weeks. and then he actually calls. yay! but, oh, it turns out, when my therapist emailed the case worker requesting help for me with ssi/disability, she didnt tell him about my autism or adhd or nvld or anything at all. she JUST told him about my ptsd. i dont understand how that happens. i dont understand how that happens.

meanwhile, though all this waiting and beating my head against the wall trying to get help, im having to suffer through some of the worst therapy of my life, because im not allowed to see another therapist while seeing her, and seeing one of the the community mental health center’s own therapists is a required, but useless gateway to the services i actually need. but she’s not only completely and totally unequipped to handle my complex trauma and actually be a therapist for me, she apparently cant even do the one thing i actually need her to do. im so mad. im so demoralized. this sucks. in our most recent session the last thing she said, after a session of my talking about my hopelessness in the face of an uncaring system, was “i’m sorry i coulnd’t be more helpful.” and i comforted her.

oh, wanna hear something else awesome? we were only hold with the food stamps office for like two more hours after i made this post before we had to give up and decided to try again in the morning

ain’t the system grand??????? :)))))

brb throwing myself into a lake because the phonecall trials aren’t over yet and its taking everything to beat back a panic attack 💕💕💕💕💕

[girl8890]

Project Partners | CH 5

Pairing: Loner!Jungkook x Popular!Reader

Summary: Jungkook has always been a loner. Only having one friend that barely even lets him get a word out. College should be flying by with the type of life he’s living. But every time he sees one girl, in particular, it seems like time slows down. Now that a group project has been assigned, and no one is allowed to pick their partners. What will Jungkook do now that he has to work closely with the girl he’s madly in love with for the next three months?

Warnings: anxiety, class project (ew), first kiss, first hand job, first blow job (for five seconds), cumming in readers mouth, lots of pining, suggestive flirting, just in case you forgot: jk loves reader hard

A/n: hey… um… I know it’s been like a year since I updated this story, and I originally said this story was discontinued, but after reading over this story again I’ve decided to bring it back! Yay! Last year I went through a really bad funk, and stopped writing a lot of projects I was in love with, including this one. I also got a hate comment about this story before it even came out, so that didn’t help my mental health or keep me inspired about writing… BUT I’m okay now, and have been so inspired to write lately. I hope you enjoy this part even though it’s very late! 💜

BTS ML | Index | CH 6

。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。

Jungkook didn’t know what to wear. What do you wear to meet up with the girl you’re madly in love with, anyway? He met up with you once, he should be able to meet up with you again just fine!

But this was somehow different. You asked him to go to your room after flirting with him! Both of you… alone, again… in your room! You said it was for the project, but Jungkook’s fuzzy brain is saying it’s not just for the project. What if you want to-

He shakes his head, not allowing stupid horny thoughts to cloud his mind right now. Other then you finding him intriguing - whatever the fuck that means - he doesn’t understand how this is happening to him. For one, Jungkook is not intriguing. Other then his smarts in the arts, he’s got nothing. The only good thing about his life was when he snuck glances at you.

Not in a creepy way. More like a, you don’t know he’s staring and you’re just so beautiful he can’t not look at you, way. Okay… maybe a creepy way, but give him a break! He’s in love. In love with the popular, beautiful, sweet, Y/n L/n.

Huhhh… he’s going to suck at this.

Jungkook holds the shirt he picked up from his bed about five times now, and threw it at the bed again. Looking down at the pile of clothing on his bed, he huffs out a breathe, frustrated with himself. If he can’t even pick out an outfit, then how is he going to get through a date with you?!

He decided once he got back from the little coffee meet up you two had, that he was going to change his outfit. The tight blue tank top and short shorts you were wearing did not pair well with his overly baggy red gamer shirt and black sweatpants. A stupid thing for him to wear out in the first place!

Yup! He’s hopeless. Jungkook spins around, and falls back on his bed onto the pile of clothing. He presses the balls of his hands onto his closed eyes, wanting to cry about how overwhelming this all is.

Just when Jungkook is about to chicken out, texting you that he can’t meet with you today because he suddenly became sick only a few hours after seeing and being just fine, Ryan barges through the door. He looks at his helpless friend, then rolls his eyes.

“Seriously! This again, dude! How many times are you going to get depressed about meeting with her? I thought love made sunny days every day or some bullshit thing like that.”

Jungkook takes his hands off of his face, and instead uses them to support his weight as he sits up in the bed.

“I don’t know what to wear!” Jungkook shouts, ignoring everything his friend and roommate just said to him.

“Ugh!” Ryan complains as he jumps onto the bed, not wanting to deal with his shy bean of a friend. “Dude, just wear black.”

Jungkook raises a confused eyebrow at him. He asks in a small voice, “Black?”

“Yes, black. Girls dig a guy in black. Don’t understand it myself, but something about a guy looking like he’s secretly a vampire is hot to girls.”

Jungkook blinks at few times at Ryan, then stands up from his bed to turn and look at his clothing again. He digs around the clothing pile, and finds a few black things he hasn’t worn in while. Although black is his favorite color, last time he went through a faze of just wearing black the school called him into the office to ask if he was suicidal.

Yeah… that went as well as you think.

After putting the clothing on and adjusting himself in the mirror, he turns around to see Ryan is already staring at him. Pushing that aside, he gestures to his outfit. “Well!”

It’s a plain black shirt paired with a black leather jacket on top that has three colorful buttons on the chest pocket. He’s also sporting a pair of black jeans, and black boots. Basically, Jungkook is putting all the goths in this school to shame with his look… and Ryan likes it.

Ryan coughs into his fist, shuffles in his seat because he’s not used to his friend actually looking attractive. Sure, Jungkook has a hot face, but the way he presents himself and the overly baggy clothing he usually wears doesn’t let the world see how good looking he truly is.

“Ugh… you look good, I guess? Is that normal to say to a friend?” Jungkook rolls his eyes at Ryan, not caring for his weirdness at the moment.

He looks back at himself in the mirrors, trying and failing not to clutch at the ends of his jacket cuffs. He’s nervous beyond belief to meet with you. Jungkook’s honestly believe he always will be, but again: this is only for the project.

The amount of times he told himself made it less believable every time. Your conversation from the coffee meet up still swirling around in his head, and the amount of times he almost told you his feelings to your face not failing to dawn on him.

How can someone be so nervous, but at the same time comfortably with someone at the same time? It makes no sense, but yet that’s how Jungkook has been with you lately. He just needs to pull that comfortability to the forefront of his brain right now. That’s how he truly thinks this will go well. 

That’s why after a few more looks into the mirror, and combing his hair to the side so it’s parted to own side for the second time, he grabs onto his cell phone, and project supplies and then leaves the room.

Keeping his head up high as he leaves his dorm to head to yours.

———

Jungkook gets to your dorm door, and guess what happens? Not him knocking on the door, that’s for sure!

He went to knock, then stopped himself. A minute later he went to knock again, then stopped again. Feeling like a bigger idiot each time he stops his hand from rapping on the only piece of wood that’s separating himself from you. Just when he’s about to knock on the door again, his phone dings in his pocket.

He cringes at the loud bird chirp that comes from his phone, praying you didn’t hear it through the door since his volume was on the highest setting it could be. But since the universe fucking hates him, you did hear it.

“Jungkook, is that you?” You just texted him no more then five seconds ago wondering if he was on his way, then heard a phone ding from the other side of your door. You open the door, and see a highly embarrassed Jungkook standing there, phone in hand now.

“Ugh… Hi, Y/n! Just got your text!” He waves his phone, showing your name and last text light up on the screen. You try your very hardest not to crack a smile at how adorable he is.

“We’re you just standing out here, or did you just arrive?” You ask with a knowing and joking smirk on your face.

Jungkook’s eyes widen, realizing he may have just gotten caught at being the most weirdest person in the universe for not knocking on your door when he first arrived. “N-no! I just got here, seriously.”

Yeah, the seriously does nothing for him. Lucky for Jungkook, though, you find everything about him adorable. Even when he is to shy to answer the door. You’re not sure when it happened, maybe the first day you worked on the project and he offered you his shoulder to cry on, but you kinda have a little crush on the loner of your school.

It’s just then when you were about to gesture for him to come in, that you take in his outfit. You’ll be the first to admit that you love a guy in all black especially if that outfit actually has style to it. Jungkook is wearing everything your brain would usually pounce on in movies. Making you and your friend drool at the character, but right now Jungkook is that character come to life.

Jungkook realizes you’re just now noticing his outfit, and because he’s him and thinks you somehow find it bad, he falsely explains, “I-I thought I would try something… new?”

You look back up at Jungkook, completing your fill of his outfit for the moment, and smirk. Tonight, is going to be so fun!

“You’re really hot, Kookie.”

His eyes widen at your sudden compliment, and he feels the tips of his ears redden from the way your eyes roam his body one more time. He never, ever thought he would live to see the day that you - out of all fricken people - thought he was hot. No one finds him hot. Not even himself!

Jungkook’s jaw is slack, and he doesn’t know what to say since your words are playing on repeat in his head. You giggle at his reaction, feeling your own blush start to come on, but you breathe through it. You then gesture inside you room, move to the side a little, and say to him, “Come on in.”

———

Five minutes. Jungkook had five minutes of actually working on this project with you before his mind went to woozy town.

You were wearing the same outfit as before, so once you got comfortable on the floor, changing positions and making your breasts squish onto the paper you were both working on, his eyes zeroed in on them. Every time he had the strength to look away, a pencil or something would roll towards you and he was forced to look back at them. To look back at you, and all your sexy glory.

You’re distracted with the project right now, so would it be really bad just to look for a few seconds? No, Jungkook, that’s not right. But… you’re just so beautiful… it will only be a peak. Jungkook swallows down the lump in his throat, and he feels his eyes twitch as he looks back at you, his conscious of how this isn’t a good idea fading into the background as he takes you in.

You’re in full concentration of the project right now, holding a yellow pencil between your teeth as you think. Your lips have always captivated Jungkook, to the point he would stay up at night thinking about how soft that would feel against his own. He let his eyes roam a little lower, to your neck that has the smallest smudge of blue paint on it. He wonders how that blue paint got there, from you pairing in class or do you have a secret painting in your room somewhere?

The slim part of your neck extends as you turn your head to the side to look at the project with a better angle, and he wonders if you would do the same if he kisses you there. If your skin was slaty like most fan fictions describe, or as sweet as your personality. His tongue rolls in his mouth, wanting to jut out and lick you, just thinking about your taste.

Then his eyes get back to what made him admire you in this moment again. Your two breasts being squished on top of the drawing paper the both of you are using for the project. He feels a ting of jealousy for the piece of paper.

You look up from your drawing when Jungkook doesn’t answer your question that involved the project. You realize very quickly that your question fell of deaf ears, and that something was distracting Jungkook. Two things, to be specific.

You raise a pointed eyebrow at him, and feel heat hit your face. You’ve been admired like this before, you just didn’t expect mr nervous to do the same. You snap your fingers in front of his face, making him have to shake his head out of his horny trance. Jungkook’s eyes are blown out wide, and his face becomes redder then a tomato when he realizes you just got caught him staring at your body.

Jungkook sits up suddenly, making all the pencils around him fly in different directions by his fast movements. He backs up to the end of the side of your bed, and feels like his heart is about to give out. He can’t believe what he just did. He can’t believe what he just got caught doing. He’s never been this reckless around you, but now you’ve caught him in the act.

“I-I-I’m so sorry, Y/n. I - Jesus, I…” Jungkook doesn’t know what to say. But, he also doesn’t know why you’re not yelling at him to get out of your room. To leave your room and never speak to him again because you don’t want to be near someone as perverted as him.

The bubble of anxiety that hasn’t been around since this morning is starting to fizzle across his skin. His hands shaking, and the sweater paws he creates that usually calm him are not helping. He’s looking all around your room, frantic to find a point in your room to look at and calm his rapid beating heart. 

Before his anxiety takes over completely, leaving him in a even more embarrassing predicament when he will barely be able to stand when you kick him out of your room, he hears your sweet little giggle fill his ears. He finally looks over at you, seeing you hold your hand over your mouth as you try to calm your laughter.

Jungkook doesn’t understand why your laughing. How is this funny at all? The guy your supposed to be working on a project with, and maybe even close enough to say your friend, was just ogling at your boobs!

“Kookie, it’s okay. Stop freaking out.”

His eyes continue to stay wide, and he feels one of them twitch. “I-it’s okay?”

You nod your head, plastering another smirk on your face while you look at Jungkook calm down from his little freak out. You point a pink manicured finger at Jungkook, “You, my friend, are to cute!”

He hears you giggle again, and then you start to crawl over to Jungkook, and through his anxiety filled brain for a smidgen of a second he compares this moment to one of his nightly imaginations. Imaginations that are always filled with you, and his face in a pillow while he moans into it.

His face gets redder at the thought alone, and he clenches his jaw to stop the thought in its tracks. Once your right in front of Jungkook, you sit up on your knees, making you look taller then him because he’s in such a cuddled up position. Your smirk deflates when you see he’s still shaking, and instead you show him one of your sweet smiles, trying to calm his nerves you even say, “I’m not mad, Kookie.”

Jungkook breathes out a sigh of relief, but that’s doesn’t answer his question of why you suddenly decided to crawl so closely to him or why your not mad, even. He drags his legs up to his chest, cuddling them to his chest with his arms as he tries to be even smaller then he was before.

“Your not?” You shake your head, and he nods his head - anxiety fading away. “T-that’s good, but… um… y/-“

With a singular hand placed on his knee, Jungkook cuts himself off. Anything he was planning to say was wiped clean from his mind once your hand touches him. The heat radiating off your skin and somehow making his entire body shake with it. Jungkook untightens himself, letting go of his legs, but not removing them from his chest.

You’ve touched him before - his hand mostly - but the place your hand is touching now is so intimate. Especially when you rub the bone of his knee with your thumb through his jeans that have suddenly become very tight in certain places.

“Do you like me, Kookie?”

…

Somehow, not needing an ambulance, Jungkook has a heart attack. Well… not really, but it feels like he’s about to by the way he’s sweating profusely. Out of all the questions in the world you could ask him in that moment, why that one?! Not: why were you staring? Or, are you a freak?

Yes, he likes you! Fuck, he fucking loves you! But why ask now? Why ask after he just utterly embarrassed himself and ogled at you like a creep.

“I’m sorry… w-what?” He must not have heard you right. His anxiety has probably just fogged up his brain, and now his mind is making up silly things.

But it wasn’t in his head. You then slowly push his legs wide apart, and Jungkook is frozen to let you do it. You scoot yourself in between his spread legs, fluttering your eyelashes up at him like the minx that you are.

“I said, do you like me?”

Okay, so you did actually say those words. Jungkook swallows even though his mouth is dryer then a desert, and clenches his fingernails into his hands. Not only did you clarify your personal question, but you’re sitting in between his legs - closer to him now then you ever have before.

All Jungkook needs to do is reach out and he’ll be touching you, your that close. But besides that, even if he doesn’t answer your question, all it will take is for you to look down to know your answer.

Realizing this, Jungkook places his hands on top of his embarrassing erection, and then opens and closes his mouth like a cod fish. Still run speechless.

“Because… if you do like me…” You run your hands down both his legs. “Then I would say the feelings are mutual.” Jungkook swallows, ears burning and brain all over the place. “And I would even… give you a little treat if you answer honestly.”

Your hands stop when there right on the outer edges of his crotch. The tips of your fingers touching his hands that are covering his erection that you clearly saw before.

Jungkook blinks… processes everything… then says, whole heartedly, “I do, Y/n.”

No stutter. No crack in his voice. He says those three words likes he’s breathing out air. There’s a lot about you he doesn’t understand, and one of those things is how in such moments as these he feels like he needs to always tell you the truth. You’re always truthfully to him, so he shouldn’t lie to you anyway, especially after you admitted to something he only ever heard in his wildest of dreams…

You said you liked him.

Even before the concept of a treat came up, he highlighted those words of yours. He must be dreaming. He has to be dreaming. But he’s not, and your bright smile proves that.

“Good,” You whisper in between the two of you.

Then you steal his first kiss.

The first few seconds of it, Jungkook doesn’t react. His mind still floating to Mars and back from you saying you like him. Him unable to wrap his brain around how or why you do, but still feeling gitty about it.

Once his mind has settled a bit, he gasps into your mouth. He finally gets back into his body, the trip to Mars his brain just went on being cut short once he realized your lips were on his. You giggle against his lips, but you don’t pull back from him.

Jungkook is not only inexperienced with kissing, but the fact that his first kiss is with you has him shaking. Then again… you seem to be doing that a lot to him today.

You move your lips against his when you realize he wasn’t going to, and your happy to take the lead, anyway. To many guys thinking just sticking their tongue down your throat is the way to do it makes you a hundred percent okay with taking the lead. You move your lips in such a way, that Jungkook starts to follow you. Wet noises are heard in your quiet room ever time both your lips reattach.

Just like Jungkook predicted, your lips are feather soft. The taste of your cherry lipstick smoothing over his taste buds, and the way your move your lips as his brain short circuiting. If he wasn’t in love with before, he definitely is now. He never tasted something so sweet before, and the love he’s trying to pour back to you is small but will always be there.

If a kiss could blind a soul, then Jungkook is blind to everything but you.

After five minutes of kissing - and heavy breathing from Jungkook - you remove your lips from his. Jungkook is in awe of you. He must be on drugs because suddenly he swears there’s sparkles surrounding your frame. That may just be his happiness clouding his eyes, but either way he’s over the moon.

Not only do you like him, but you just kissed him! You made out with him. Sealing the deal on his heart belonging to you for eternity.

“Y/n- that-… wow,” He’s speechless. How could he not be? He still feels your lips against his own like a ghost, and he moves on hand to touch his lips. When he looks down at his fingers, he sees your light pink lipstick on the tips of his fingers. Your lipstick staining his lips from the intense make out session that’s just happened, and he hopes it never rubs off.

“Wow, indeed,” You say. “But I didn’t give you your treat yet.”

Jungkook raises a pointed eyebrow at you, not understanding-

With one movement of your hand, Jungkook is grunting against closed teeth when your hand smooths over his bulge through his pants. His neglected length getting harder as you two were making out, and Jungkook completely forgetting about it since all of his senses were only directed at you.

He must have slacked his hands off of his lap at some point during the make out session, because now when he looks down through his slowly closing lashes he only sees your hand rubbing at him through his jeans.

You giggle at his hearty reaction, and lean in to kiss his cheek. “Someone get excited quickly.”

Jungkook’s cheeks flush, and his nails rip at the floorboards. Yes, he’s excited! The girl of his dreams is touching him, and not only that’s, he’s a fucking virgin! Any touch from your brings on oversensitivity, so for to touch him there it’s like a super nova has just went off in his body.

He feels like he should tell you the truth. That’s a an inexperienced virgin, and maybe going this far with him right now isn’t a good idea. He should tell you he’s not as experienced as you may think a guy his age should be, but before Jungkook could utter a word to you you’re unbuttoning his pants and smashing your lips back together with his.

Jungkook wants to faint and howl to the night skies all at the same time. This is his deepest wet dream come true, but he still thinks he should-

“Huh!!!”

The second your dainty hand wraps around him, Jungkook is completely done for. He doesn’t cum, but he’s damn well close already. He’s moaning, grunting, and almost fricken crying by the way you’re touching him. It’s literally only been thirty seconds, but those few pumps you have gave to his cock have him melting.

You detach your lips from his at the same time your thumb rubs at his swollen head. Jungkook’s nails dig into the floorboards even harder, and he’s trying his best not to shut his eyes as the pleasure you’re giving him takes over is every body cell.

You lick your lips, glancing at his cock in your hand, “Does that feel good, Kookie?”

“Y/n, oh shit, y/n~” Your name falls from his lips like it has all the times he’s done this to himself. But your words just prove he’s not alone, and he’s not dreaming this up. “Fuck~”

You bite your lip, loving how wild your project partner is - not to mention vocal. You wonder how he would react if you go down on him, and there’s nothing stopping from asking.

“Would you be like it more if I put my mouth on you?”

Jungkook’s eyes widen, and the highest pitched moan leaves him mouth. His cock jumps in your hand, and you take that as a whopping yes!

You lean your head down, readying yourself to take him. “W-wait… y/n I’m-“ He cut off when your mouth surrounds him with one gulp, bobbing up and down once and then twice… and then you’re getting a mouthful of cum and a ear full of moans.

Jungkook’s entire body vibrates as he cums. Your hands had him close already, so once your mouth touched him he knew it would come within a matter of seconds. Three euphoric, amazing, blissed out seconds of your mouth surrounding him. Seeing you bob your head, even if it was only three times, will forever be stained in his mind. No doubt he will be seeing that picture of you in his head for many days to come.

He doesn’t even have the access to feel embarrassed about cumming so fast because he’s so fucked out. He’s breathing heavily, his chest rising and falling quickly with each heave, and he feels continuing jolts of pleasure coarse down his body. Your mouth is still on him, swallowing up ever spurt, and that knowledge alone has him spurting another few times. Your wet mouth consuming him fully, and he still can’t believe how good you feel.

No… he knew you would feel good. Everything about you is already perfect, so of course you were good with this too. Even if he only got to experience this all for a solid minute, he’s smiling at the fact that he did. That he experienced this with you, and how even the deepest part of himself knows he will remember this moment forever. Even if you were to kick him out right now, and run back to your ex, Jungkook would remember this day as the best day of his life.

You slowly remove your mouth from his slowly declining length, and then wipe your mouth. You look up to see Jungkook with the cutest smile on his face, and it is quite adorable, although you feel he forgot to mention one tiny detail about himself before you decided to run him stupid.

You say his name to get his attention, and Jungkook hums back in content - staring at you like you hold the universe in his hands.

“Are you a virgin?”

And… Jungkook is back to freaking out.

-

-

-

CH 6

[cowboycakes]

Do You Get My Letters

✥ Pairing: Levi x fem!Reader, somewhat Reiner x fem!Reader

✥ Themes: Fluff, angst, sadness, big ass plot twist

✥ Warnings: Female bodied reader (she/her pronouns,) Pregnancy and birth (nothing gory.) Mentions of death, violence, and threats. Manipulation.

✥ Synopsis: You are carrying Reiner's baby when he betrays Paradis. Levi decides to step in.

✥ Word Count: 2.2k

(there is a part two up to this fic, but i've decided i'm going to rewrite the ending at some point.)

Anon's Request: Hi! I saw your requests are open so here I want to give my little scenario a try! 🕳🤸🏽‍♀️ I thought abt this last night, I’m currently rewatching AOT after 6 yrs and yet to finish season 4, so sorry if I’m wrong abt timelines/the plot? My request is the reader was with child with Reiner, but b4 reader told him, he betrayed and exposed his mission. Levi stepped in to help reader. And btw, I just finished watching ep 3 of season 4, so maybe Eren telling reiner abt his child and he regrets leaving the reader? And reiner jealous at the fact Levi is most likely considered his child’s father at that point. I can’t come up with an ending, so I’ll leave it up to you if you do take in my request. If this isn’t your type of writing I totally understand!

Note: This story is canon divergent. It is set in season 4, but in a universe where Reiner is not revealed as a traitor/the armored titan until a few months before season 4 takes place, as the reader was having relations with him until then and did not know his secret. I’m sorry if that change bothers you, I just wanted to write this as sort of its own story. This story contains season 4 spoilers! It also has nothing to do with the canon ending of AOT.

---

Dear Reiner,

I hope this letter somehow gets to you, I don’t quite know where to start.

In a perfect world, I would be so happy to tell you this. You’d be ecstatic too, I think. And before you try to second guess me: I’m sure by now, don’t worry.

I’m pregnant.

I guess we weren’t careful enough before you left. I feel like an idiot. And lost. But I’m not hopeless. I know myself, I can make it work somehow. With or without you.

I’m still in shock about you. How could someone so close hide so much? You’re a talented spy I suppose, a great asset to Marley. You made me trust you with my entire life. You made me love every false thing about you. And this is the rude awakening I get in return.

I’ll raise our child to value honesty and kindness, all in spite of you.

Sincerely,

Reader

---

The paper was damp with tears after you lifted your pen for a final time. You wished you could just keep the whole thing a secret: go make a quiet life for yourself somewhere else. It wouldn’t be right. Not after all of the dishonesty that man had spewed to you over the past few years. You had to tell him.

The door to the office room you’d settled in to write the letter creaks open. It’s Levi. He looks at your puffy eyes somberly, sympathetic. He was the first person you had told about the entire situation. Not because you were close, just because you needed help.

You fold your letter and stick it into a sturdy envelope. Levi takes it in his hand.

“That piece of shit doesn’t deserve a thing from you. Not a letter. Certainly not tears,” Levi says, using a clean handkerchief to wipe a stray drop from your cheek, “but I am proud of you.”

You take the handkerchief from him, feeling more tears stream down your face.

“Proud? I’m a fucking idiot,” you say through your sobs.

“Don’t even try to pull that self pity shit with me. Things happen sometimes. And you’re strong enough to commit to getting through it,” he responds.

You stand up, pushing your chair out. You look at him as you dry your face off again.

“I’m alone. How the hell am I supposed to do this shit alone?”

“You are not alone,” Levi replies. You’re shocked when he pulls you into a hug. “I’m going to help.”

You had never seen this side of him before. You look at him as you pull away slowly, tears still welled in your eyes.

“Are you sure? That's a big burden, Levi. None of this has to involve you.”

“Not the biggest burden I’ve ever taken on,” he shrugs. “There’s a lot of death around here, Y/N. Everyone is going to be happy about the little bit of life you’re giving us.”

You chuckle. He’s cynical, but he’s right.

He licks the envelope as he walks toward the door.

“Want me to run you a hot bath or something? Is that the type of shit pregnant people need?” he asks.

You laugh, a little harder than normal. It felt so relieving to laugh.

“Sure, Captain,” you respond softly.

---

Dear Reader,

I received your letter before the battle in Marley. I actually got to hand it to Reiner myself. He knows everything now. He broke down in front of me after reading it, going on about how much he regrets everything. How he wishes he could change things and be there for you. He begged me to kill him right there.

The world will eventually not have suffering like what you are going through now.

Eren Jaeger

---

Your jaw had dropped reading it. He begged me to kill him.

You hand the letter Levi had just delivered back to him. He reads it with a furrowed brow.

“Do you think…” you begin, your voice shaky, “do you think I could send another letter?”

Levi purses his lips, “Possibly. I can ask Jaeger. But right now, you need to bring your blood pressure back down.”

You were over seven months along now. You had found out about your pregnancy late, after being in denial for four whole months. Hange insisted on checking you out after you’d thrown up every morning for a week.

Levi had since gone on a parenting book reading spree; he made you read several of them too. He knew just about everything you needed to do to make a healthy baby: what to eat, what not to eat, how to exercise, when to go to the doctor, etc. It was really sweet how much he cared. You knew it gave him hope, something to fight for, something to come home to.

You were terrified when he left for Marley. You kissed him for the first time when he returned. Just about everyone you knew had to fight. You wished you could be out there fighting with them like you were supposed to. Maybe you could have made a difference.

Levi takes your hand, squeezing it to bring you out of your thoughts.

“What can I do?” he asks.

“Get me a glass of wine,” you grumble.

“Absolutely not.”

---

Dear Reiner,

Reader does not know I’m sending this. So keep it that way, or I’ll kill your sorry ass. Or maybe not, you’d probably enjoy that. In that case I’ll get creative.

How does it feel? Being a fucking deadbeat? Is it everything you’d thought it’d be and more? Fucking her and leaving her with nothing, like she belongs in a whorehouse. Reminds me of what happened to my mother. Pieces of shit like you came in and sent her to her death, leaving her kid behind to starve.

I wasn’t about to let her suffer like my mother did. But you were. I’m glad your choices haunt you, Reiner. You fucking deserve it.

I’ll be there for the both of them from now on, doing everything you were never capable of. She’s due any day now, I’m sure she’ll try to write to you.

Levi

---

You feel your first contraction while napping on the couch with Levi. You were settled in between his legs, your back leaning up against his chest. He had his hands on your stomach; he loved to feel the baby kick and tell them some of the happier stories in his memories.

The two of you had grown so close over the past few months. You slept together every night now. You didn’t want to leave each other’s sides if you didn’t have to. Levi would cuddle and massage you any time your pregnant body was ailing you.

You had fantasized with him about life after the war. He wanted to be a husband, a father, to live peacefully in the countryside. And he wanted more than anything for you to join him.

The first contraction wasn’t painful enough for you to make much more than a grunting noise, but Levi woke up the second he felt your stomach contort a bit. He was on very high alert these days.

“Holy… shit…is that what I think it is?” Levi whispers, “Don’t answer. I’m getting Hange.”

He crawls out from behind you and sprints out of the room.

The pain worsens and becomes much more frequent while he’s out looking for Hange. You stand up eventually after getting the urge to walk around - and your water breaks. You start panicking, unsure of how dilated you were and how much time you had left before pushing. You really wished you’d done more than just skimmed through those birthing books right about now.

Levi and Hange eventually come sprinting back into the room with a wheelchair and cold rags to find you whimpering in pain on the couch, trying your best to control your breathing.

You’re rushed down the halls to the Scout’s infirmary, where Levi had made sure the perfect room was set up for you - and it had been that way for two months.

The next hour goes by in a blur. Hange knew the biology of how to deliver the baby, and Levi knew how to coach you. He helped you hold your legs back when you pushed, and helped you count out your breathing. Hange attended to everything that might have made Levi faint, like checking your dilation and making sure the baby was coming out at the right angle. You got lucky having these two by your side.

Through all of your efforts, you finally hear a cry. You look up to see Levi holding your tiny new baby as Hange wiped them clean. He was smiling, way bigger than you’d ever seen him smile before, with tears in his eyes.

“Here,” he says softly, handing her to you.

You cradle her on your bare skin. “She’s so perfect, Levi! Look how sweet she is!” you coo.

“What are you going to call her?” he asks, stroking your hair as you gleam down at your baby.

“I was thinking,” you smile, “Kuchel.”

Levi lets out small gasp. Tears start streaming down his face, his efforts to stifle them failing.

“Really? I think that’s,” he wipes his eyes, “a wonderful name.”

—-

Dear Reiner,

She’s finally here! Oh my god, she’s precious. Levi and Hange helped to deliver her. Labor went smoothly. Levi started to cry when he saw her for the first time. She really is just that perfect. We are calling her Kuchel, after Levi’s mother. He cried when I told him that, too (don’t tell him I’m sharing those crying details.) I've decided to give her Levi’s last name as well.

Levi set up the perfect nursery for us.

If you really did feel guilty for leaving - don’t be. I’m happy.

She has your eyes.

Sincerely,

Reader

—-

Dear Reiner,

Kuchel said her first word today. Of course it wasn’t mama, she’s such a daddy’s girl. She started crawling awhile ago, we are now working on standing up on our own. She has all of this blonde curly hair, too. She’s growing up so fast.

Reader

—-

Dear Reiner,

Levi proposed a few days ago. It was so perfect. We found a nice house with room for a farm that will be perfect for a family.

I can only wonder how you’re doing, now that the war is over.

Are you even alive?

Reader

—-

Dear Reiner,

I’m expecting again. Levi is beyond excited. I am too, of course. Kuchel started school this year. She is such a smart kid.

I still wonder about you. After all these years.

Reader

—-

Message after message, word after word. No response. You had decided he must be dead. The devastation after the war would argue that he was.

That is, until you found yourself rummaging through one of Levi’s desk drawers, looking for baby Isabel’s lost pacifier.

You felt the bottom of the drawer shift. A false bottom?

You pry at it until it comes open.

Letters.

Dozens of opened letters. With Marleyan postage stamps.

You pull out the first bundle you see. They’re all from you. Unopened. Unsent. You set them aside, your jaw quivering.

You pull out the second bundle and gasp.

—-

Dear Reader,

Eren showed me your letter. I am terribly sorry. Let me fix this, somehow. You can come to live with me in Marley. I will take care of you. Please.

I’m not just a traitor, a liar, a farce. Everything between us was real. I can explain everything. Just trust me.

Love,

Reiner

—

Dear Reader,

Do you get my letters?

I’ve only heard rumors about our new baby girl. I wish I could see her. Just once. For a second. Do you have a camera? I know they’re hard to come by in Paradis. I can send one.

I’d do anything to change this. You know I would.

Love,

Reiner

—-

To Levi,

You son of a bitch. I know exactly what you’re doing. You think this is protecting her, but it’s not. Just let her talk to me. She would listen, she would understand. You said yourself that she writes. You manipulative, sick bastard. That is MY child. She will never be yours. No matter what you brainwash her to believe, your dirty Ackerman blood does not run through her veins. She deserves to know. You are the farce, Levi.

Reiner

—-

There were dozens more. All opened. All from Reiner.

You sink down to the floor, tears spilling from your eyes.

You are the farce, Levi.

But, why? He was just protecting you, right?

The office door opens. You jump, shoving the letters back into the drawer.

“Mommy, why are you crying?” Kuchel asks.

You take a deep breath, staring down at the letters, thinking about everything that could have been.

“Are you happy here, Kuchel?”

“Yes!” she chirps, “Every day!”

“Then it’s nothing, baby. Mommy just got hurt. She’s better now.”

Your daughter giggles and skips out of the room, leaving you to hide away the rest of the letters.

༺♥༻

I REALLY HOPE I understood your request, Anon! I actually had a lot of fun writing this. It isn't something I would normally think to write, but I'm so glad you shared this idea! Sorry for the sad ending, I love playing w people's emotions ;)

༺♥༻

[taestefully-in-luv]

Always You | JJK (Five)

Summary: you and Jungkook have been best friends since freshmen year of college, there’s a lot of unsaid feelings and tension but neither make a move. what happens when his friend Taehyung (also your crush) needs a fake girlfriend?

Pairing: Jungkook x Female reader, slight Taehyung x Reader

Genre: friends to lovers, idiots to lovers, slight slow burn, roommate au, college au, SMUT (starting ch2), fluff, angst (in later chapters) slight crack, lots of drama

Word Count: 12.1k

Warnings: Swearing, alcohol consumption, sexual tension (?) sad oc, mentions of sex, kind of over the clothes action, drama, heated dance session lol, slight memory of sex, hair pulling, back scratching, mention of boner, second chances (?)

Notes: Okay, first of all THAT 1st TEASER PIC!!! DID WE SEE THAT? *chefs kiss*. Anyway thanks for comments you guys leave I really love reading them!!! Remember to send an ask if you want to be added to the taglist or just want to chat about the story:) have a great week everyone!

Taglist: @mooniyooni @thisartemisnevermisses @giadalin @kookiebunny097 @cosmosjk @moonchild1 @just-jeon @anpanman-sonyeondan @starlight-night0 @yessii-i @apollukee @mikasaredscarf1 @kaye-rosales @bunnyjeonjk @dyriddle @seagulljk @hass-mich-los @peachy-skz0325 @wonusbitch

© taestefully-in-luv

Previous --- Next

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May

Gloomy: The dictionary may describe it as hopeless and despairing but really it should just be a picture of your sad, sad face.

1 month…yes, one whole month has passed since you last spoke to Jungkook. No text, no calls, no random show ups, nothing. Gloom. Gloom. Gloom. Graduation came and gone so quickly…you walked the stage with your friends minus two but honestly you can hardly remember the event. You tried your hardest to be as excited as everyone else but the feeling of gloom stayed with you.

By the end of the month you finally started accepting he isn’t coming back and right around that time you actually heard from him—Jungkook that is. He sent you a pathetic text that he’s moving out and will be by to retrieve his things. More gloom.

The next couple weeks after that are a blur, you recall the sound of movers throughout your apartment. You didn’t have the courage to speak to him…you didn’t have the courage to even leave your room if you didn’t have to. You were so wrapped up in everything you didn’t even consider that fact that you will have to find a new roommate to cover the other half of the rent.

Every day just dragged on, every day a repeat of the last. Wake up, drown in black coffee, scroll mindlessly through your phone and work your full time job. You called in sick too many days already so you have to go or you’re at risk at getting fired. The same day, every day. The same gloomy fucking day.

Jimin tried to call or text every day to make sure you were like, alive. He apologized over and over for not telling you as soon as he found out about the Taehyung situation but he felt that if Taehyung was going to tell you then it is best it comes from him and not Jimin. You can understand that. He also frequently would show up at your apartment to surprise you but you rarely let him in. You did feel bad though, he’s just trying to be there for you.

Jimin 6:04pm

Please let me in?

Jimin 6:05pm

Well…I have some take out for you babe, ill leave it on the doorstep.

Jimin 6:05pm

Call me sometime ok? Love you

Guilt would consume your body but you just couldn’t deal with human contact right now.

June

Around month 2 you finally felt okay to see people again—your close people that is—aka Jimin was finally allowed in, he made you take a hot bath while he cleaned up for you and made you a proper meal. The amount of instant ramen containers lying around the place was by far one of the grossest things he’s seen. The shit that was growing…he shudders just thinking about it.

He would come over every day after work in the evenings. He left day time babysitting to Trina.

“Girl…all this over a boy?” she would constantly say.

You also tried applying for job after job, but the postgraduation life is harder than you thought…at least for you. Jimin landed a job as a kids choreographer, Trina starts up at one of the local elementary schools as a kindergartner teacher and you? You’re still working at the bakery down the street. You applied for many entry level positions in the marketing field but failed miserably in interviews…which only further discouraged you and worsened your mood.

It was also around this time you decided to finally delete Jungkook off all social media and block his number. You refuse to hear from him at this point…not that he was reaching out or anything. You wonder what he’s up to postgraduation? No, you don’t want to know or care. You considered hanging up a picture of his face on your wall so you could throw darts at it but you decided that was maybe on the crazy side. Taehyung sends you weekly texts, asking about how your day/week is going. He updates you on his life as well, apparently he got the curator assistant position at the museum that he wanted. You still feel hurt over everything but you are happy for him. It’s funny, you feel so betrayed over that but Jungkook is the cause of your gloom.

Every day just drags on, you feel heavy everywhere you go. Even when you’re just at home in bed.

By the end of the month your friends somehow convinced you to go on a date—a horrible date at that.

He was awkward as hell, a bad kisser and would lightly…tap your ass in attempt to be sexy. It was a disaster, you don’t even remember what the two of you even talked about at dinner. You just remember his tongue being horribly shoved down your throat and his weird ass tapping habit.

July

Then month 3 finally came around. A month where the weeks went by breathing became just a bit easier. Yes, any and everything still reminded you of Jungkook but it didn’t hurt as terribly as the previous months. By the end of the month you even agreed to your first real social outing. You are hesitant, but you agreed…

“I don’t know guys…a birthday party? We like, don’t even know the girl?” you frown, nibbling on the flesh of your bottom lip.

You are sitting in the middle of your bedroom floor, clothes piling all around you as you try to decide on what to wear.

“You need to get out babe…plus it’s a friend of a friend, so it’s cool.” Jimin says holding up a rose colored crop top, motioning for you to nod yes or no to his suggestion. You cock your head to the side, deciding what pants to go with it.

“I have to say I agree with Jimin, y/n.” your new roommate Holly chips in, “Since I’ve moved in I don’t think I’ve seen you go out even once.”

“Also a party is the best place to find some easy dick.” Of course that’s what Trina has to offer.

“Yes to the crop top Jimin.” You point your head towards the shirt, “Okay don’t have to call me out like that Holly.” You glare at your roomie, “And Trina, we both know I ain’t ready for no type of dick.”

“So we’re looking for some pussy tonight?” Trina smirks, “Nice.”

You rolls your eyes, a chuckle escaping your lips, “Shut up.” you throw a pair of shorts at her face.

“But seriously y/n…Maybe Trina is on to something…” Jimin sits down next to you, crossing his legs in front of him, “Maybe this is a good chance to like—”

“If you say move on I will literally kill you.” You cut in, “There’s nothing to move on from!” you throw your hands up dramatically. “Taehyung used me, Jungkook wants nothing to do with me. And—”

“Then why aren’t you ready for any type of dick?” Holly puts in her 2 fucking cents.

“Because I don’t want to be associated with any boys! Jimin is the exception.”

“Somehow I don’t feel flattered by that…” Jimin puts a hand on your shoulder.

“When’s the last time you got off?” Trina abruptly asks. You turn your head in shock at her shamelessness.

“Trina!”

“Answer her, I’m curious too.” Jimin squints at you trying not to laugh.

“It’s…” your eyes slide to the side, “It’s been a while.”

Trina shakes her in disapproval, “Damn girl, really? My fingers constantly playing DJ, you know what I’m sayin?” Trina goes in for a fist bump but you just push her hand away.

“You’re gross.” You laugh out loud, and it sounds like music to everyone’s ears.

“I’m just real babey.” She flicks her hair back with a proud smile on her face.

Having these 3 around has no doubt helped you deal with the loss you feel. You feel like you are still mourning the dead. How’s Jungkook even doing? You’re too afraid to ask Jimin. Too afraid that he’s doing amazing without you. He must of realized how much better off he is without you around and that makes you feel small.

“Fine…” you mutter under your breath…Jimin snaps his head to look at you, his sly smile growing as he watches you fiddle with a short mini skirt.

“Fine what?” Trina asks with a smirk.

“Let’s find me some dick tonight.”

“Hell fucking yeah.” Jimin claps his hands together, “Tonight is about you!”

“y/n makes her debut tonight! She’s hot, she’s single and she is ready to mingle!”

You can’t help but giggle, your hands bunching up the material of the mini skirt as you look down at it, making your decision.

“Let me get ready and we can get this night started!” you rush to your feet, all the sudden feeling excited for tonight. You are going to actually do your hair and your makeup—you even shaved. You are definitely breathing easier tonight and you have to take advantage of that!

“Let’s do shots as we wait girlies,” Holly shows a bottle of rum she had hiding behind her back, shaking it in excitement.

“Naughty girl.” Jimin winks, standing to his feet, heading towards the kitchen to grab some shot glasses.

You get ready quickly, but taking your time where it counts. You give yourself a once over in the mirror and you have to say you are impressed. Your black jean mini skirt sits right below your ass, while your tits pop in this rose crop top. You wear short heels, and simple jewelry with just the right amount of makeup that makes your features stand out, and you have to say you would kiss yourself if you could—you look fucking good.

“woooooo” Jimin and Trina whistle out at the same time as they walk back in your bedroom.

“I’d fuck.” Jimin says plainly.

“Same as fuck.” Trina says bluntly as she swallows down a shot.

“Yeah you look pretty y/n!” Holly smiles, not really on the same level of honestly as your other two friends.

You burst into giggles, throwing your head back in approval. “Thanks guys…..Lets fucking do this.” You walk towards Trina and grab her shot glass, and you take the bottle from Holly, pouring yourself a shot.

“Ready to fucking mingle.” You gulp down the rum, the burn only encouraging you, the warmth stinging your entire chest and you couldn’t feel more content.

This house was one of the bigger ones, it was full of people and more people and like, more people. You managed to swallow down 3 or 4 shots back at your apartment and the alcohol is definitely working its magic on you, the world just a little nicer.

The amount of people doesn’t even bother you like it usually would, instead you find yourself barging through the front door and making your way to the dance floor with your 3 friends trialing behind you.

The heat of the living room is already intoxicating you, the amount of bodies rolling and grinding makes you feel loose and free. Before you know it Jimin is pushing a drink into your hands and you hug him gratefully as you begin chugging it back.

“Woah slow down, we have all night—actually fuck it, I like your spirit tonight!” he chuckles lightly, his hands going to your waist, rocking you to the beat of the blaring music. Trina and Holly disappear into the kitchen to grab more drinks while you and Jimin dance to whatever b…t…ah, forget it, you forgot the band’s name.

“Are you having fun?” Jimin slurs out, his eyes barely visible as he laughs at nothing.

“So much fun!” you yell out over the music then you lean down into his ear and whisper, “Thanks so much Jiminie…I know I was a little difficult…”

“A little?” he teases.

Jimin’s eyes travel behind you before they are widening. You notice, of course. You are about to turn your head to take a look at whatever he is seeing when his snaps back to you in panic, his troubled smile growing.

“Let’s go find Trina and Holly, yeah?” he tries to usher you toward the kitchen and you oblige. Too drunk and feeling too good that his odd behavior goes ignored by you.

“Kay!” you smile, hooking your arm with his. “Letsa go!” you say like you’re fucking Mario.

The two of you walk to the kitchen, finding Trina and Holly playing a game of beer pong with two random guys.

“Hello my bitches!” Trina hollers over the thumping bass, as she scores a cup of pong, her other hand on Hollys lower back.

“Wait, gotta use the bathroom, be right back!” you slur into Jimin’s ear, he just nods distractedly as he watches the game, laughter erupting his body for probably no drunken reason.

You walk back into the living room and start heading towards the other side where the bathroom is. The journey to the bathroom is fun, you accidently bump into a lot of people but they don’t seem to mind as they will just drunkenly smile at you and you would smile back in your own drunken daze. You skim the room with a dopey smile on your face, just admiring the crowd. You are shocked with yourself…you missed people and you cannot believe it. You continue to observe when your eyes land on tattooed hands. The hands are grabbing a handful of ass on the dance floor. You know these hands. Your eyes travel from his hands to his strong arms to his face…it is hiding in the nook of some girls neck and you feel like someone knocked the wind out of you. Jungkook.

He is kissing on some girl, no doubt leaving bruises behind from his attack on her neck. His hands cupping this girls ass so tightly, he guides her hips into his. You watch as she throws her head back in pleasure and you see him smirk. All his signature moves. You are left speechless. What could you even say? Why does this hurt? Why does this make you feel fucking sick? Why does it feel like you aren’t supposed to be witnessing this? Well, you know why but god, why?!

“y/n!!” It’s Jimin, jogging up behind you, “Fuck, I was trying to avoid you seeing this…” he admit softly, “I swear I didn’t think he was going to be here tonight…he didn’t seem that interested when I asked him about it…”

“It’s fine Jimin…” you mumble.

“Does it feel weird? Seeing him with this girl…?” Jimin is obviously trying to get you to admit something right now but you are not in the right head space to even give it a second thought.

“Why should it? Plus I’m used to this…she’s just some random girl for one night.” You twirl the ends of your hair between your fingers.

“Oh babe…” Jimin glances down at the ground, “This girl…she…he’s brought her to every party for the last month…” Jimin sounds as sorry as you feel.

The same girl? That’s impossible, you scoff. There’s no way Jungkook is actually seeing someone. But that doesn’t stop your stomach from twisting and turning and making you feel fucking sick.

“What do you mean?” you finally slur out, leaning your frame on Jimin.

“He brings her and they leave together too…” Jimin holds on to you, “I haven’t really asked him about her though.”

“Whatever. Fuck him, right? I won’t let this ruin my night.” You smile coyly, draping your arms around your friend. “Bathroom please.” You pout theatrically, pointing your head towards the bathroom.

“Okay let’s get you peeing in peace.” Jimin laughs, guiding you towards the door.

Once at the door, you knock a couple times to find that it is empty, “I’ll wait for you out here.” Jimin assures you.

Once inside the small room, you bunch up your skirt and pull down your panties, squatting on the toilet. You sigh in relief as you pee, but the relief you feel in your body stops when you recall the way Jungkook held and kissed this random but not so random girl.

Why should it bother you? It’s about time Jungkook got serious! But why did he have to dump you to achieve that? And why did It have to be with someone el…

You reach for the toilet paper, ripping it after a few sheets and wipe yourself as you drunkenly sing a tune. So what? You can easily replace Jungkook too!

You stand up, pulling your panties up and your skirt down and take a long good look in the mirror. Your hair is still intact, your makeup is only a little smeared—quick fix, and your tits are still poppin’. This night is just beginning, you decide. A whole new wave of confidence begins washing over you.

“Ready!” You pounce on Jimin’s back, he stumbles forward while laughing wholeheartedly.

“Should we look for Trina and Holly again? They’re probably still playing beer pong!”

“Sure.” You smile, walking hand in hand with Jimin as you make your way back to the kitchen.

Hours pass and you are now outside on the back porch piss drunk with your 3 friends and a couple new friends. Nick and his pal that you can’t remember the name of—but you remember Nick. He’s really tall and has nice muscles covering his body, his light hair is messy and looks like you would have fun pulling it.

“And that’s why I think aliens are already here bro, like they are probably here at this fucking party bro.” No name friend finishes his point. Nick holds in his chuckle as his drunk friend rambles.

“Totally bro.” Then his eyes land on you. Fuck, were you staring? Oh well, it’s best to get to the point. You two have been making eyes at each other all night and it’s time to make the next move.

“Hey Nick, wanna grab a drink with me in the kitchen?” you inquire with a sly smile.

Jimin’s eyes widen before he’s smirking “Don’t be silly, wrap that willy.”

Trina and Holly laugh at Jimin’s words while you turn fucking red with embarrassment.

“Sorry about him…” You excuse Jimin, but you continue to smile slyly.

Nick grins with all his teeth as he takes your hand and leads you back inside the house. His hand is much larger than yours and you are already imagining what his beefy fingers will do to your vagina. God, what’s his dick like???

You enter the kitchen and you and him walk towards the cooler full of beers, he lets you stand to the side as he goes to grab them.

“Nick!!!!” you hear a familiar voice and you wince. Jungkook stands next to the cooler, his hand wrapped around the girls hand, but he briefly lets go of it to dap up your fuck for the night.

“What’s up bro!” Nick returns the handshake, a wide smile on his face.

They know each other?

“I thought you said you weren’t coming tonight?” Jungkook’s hand goes back to holding on to the girl.

“I wasn’t going to but,” he nods towards you, “Glad I did.” He winks. Jungkook’s eyes follow Nicks nod and when he sees you stand there awkwardly he goes completely pale. Your eyes meet uncomfortably, Jungkook let’s go of the girls hand without a second thought.

“y/n?” he questions with a pained expression.

“You know her?” Nick asks, totally out of the loop.

You shift from one foot to the other, not really sure what to do or say. So you settle for his name. “Jungkook.” It feels foreign on your tongue. Like if you said it 3 times in a mirror a sinister ghost would come to murder you.

Jungkook opens his mouth then closes it then opens it then closes it again.

“Baaaaabe,” the girl next to him whines, “let’s get out of here already.” She says, not even acknowledging your existence.

Jungkook shamelessly eyes you up and down, his shock is very evident as he looks at you.

You can’t help but smile a little, knowing you look damn good.

“Let’s go too, Nick.” You saunter to his side, grabbing a hold of his bicep.

That’s when Jungkook knocks out of daze, his brows crease as he looks between the two of you.

“Wait—you and Nick?” he asks, completely amused.

“Is that a problem?”

“Nope.” Jungkook looks fucking smug as he smiles, his hand going to grab the girls hand again. “See you later?” he asks you. You of all people! “Uh? Probably not?”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that.” Jungkook winks, turning around to leave as he leads his girl out.

Nick just continues to smile, completely oblivious, “So cool that we all know each other!” he grips on to your waist.

“Wait, how do you know Jungkook?”

“We—”

“Wait, it honestly doesn’t matter. Let’s just get out of here.”

“My place?” Nick breathes into your ear, he pushes your hips into his crotch so you can feel his half hard cock.

“Why are you already getting hard?” you tease, leaning up to kiss his neck.

“Honestly, I can’t stop staring at your tits. And I am imagining all the things I want to do to them.” He confesses hotly.

The uber ride to his place is short, only 10 minutes and it goes by quickly as you two have one another’s tongues down each others throats. His hands traveling all around your body, he even manages to slip his fingers past your panties to feel how wet you are.

“Fuck I can’t wait to get you inside…” his rapid breaths fan across your face as you nibble on his neck.

“Gonna fuck me?” you whisper quietly, not trying to get heard by the Uber driver, but you could also hardly care if he hears you or not, he gets 5 stars.

“Want you to ride me.” He palms his cock through his pants as he imagines you bouncing on his cock for him.

“If you deserve it like a good boy.” You replace his hand with your own, rubbing him ferociously over his jeans. You haven’t felt dick in months and the feeling is driving you absolutely wild, you haven’t felt this needy in a long time.

The Uber comes to a stop, parking in front of an apartment building. He lets the two of you know you reached your destination. You and Nick giggle as you thank him and stumble out of the car as you follow him to his apartment. He would stop every few seconds to plant kisses on your lips and grab your ass with a tight squeeze. He groans and rolls his eyes back as he explores your body.

“Wait til we’re inside,” you breathe out, your voice silky as hell.

Finally, after a short, kiss filled elevator ride later you arrive at his front door. His lips never leaving yours as he pulls out his keys, fumbling with them until he finds the right one.

He pulls away for a second to unlock the door and desperately pushes it open to let the two of you inside. Your lips are already back on his as you two trip into the entry way of the apartment, you walk him backwards, until his back is against a wall.

The apartment is dark besides the living room TV, you take a second to pull back and admire Nick’s fucked out expression, the blue glow of the TV making everything feel surreal.

You dive back in to kiss him, he prods his tongue into your mouth, swirling it around with yours making you moan into his mouth.

“Hi guys!”

Your eyes shoot open, mouth still attached to Nicks. You push your head back, disconnecting from Nick and yank your head to the left where you see a wild Jungkook sitting on the living room sofa, his mouth full of the cereal he is eating. He is wearing the most shit eating grin you have ever seen on him.

“Jungkook?! What the fuck?” You spit out, totally fucking shocked. Like, obviously.

“Hey man…” Nick breathes out heavily, trying to speak properly, “I thought you would be at Vanessa’s tonight?”

“Nah,” Jungkook smiles, “Dropped her off and came home.”

HOME?

“H-Home?” You look between the two guys, what the fuck does he mean by that. This is Nicks place, right?

“Oh you didn’t know?” Jungkook nods his head toward Nick, “Nick here is my beloved roommate.”

“What the fuck…” you mutter under your breath, trying to understand the mother fucking situation. Were you about to fuck Jungkook’s roommate? Are you still going to is the real question?

“Wait, how do you two even know each other?” Nick starts to look antsy, “Don’t tell me she’s one of the girls you’ve fucked…come on bro, leave some for the rest of us.” He chuckles somewhat bitterly.

“No!” you’re quick to say. You begin smoothing out your skirt, then your hair. “We just…”

“y/n is my bestie!” Jungkook grins, putting the cereal down and standing up. He walks forward until he is making a triangle with you and Nick.

“Was.” You spit out harshly, crossing your arms across your chest. Nick just stands there confused as hell, looking between the two of you.

“Anyway, I should get going.” You turn your body to Nick, a look of apology on your face.

“What? We can just go to my room?” he slurs, tugging on his pants uncomfortably, his boner still apparent.

“Sorry, no longer in the mood.”

You pull out your phone to order an Uber when Jungkook takes your phone from you.

“I’m not drunk, I can drive you.” He offers. You push your head back in disbelief, how does Jungkook have the AUDACITY to offer that to you?

“Why the fuck would I want that?”

“So we can…” His eyes slide over to the ever growing confused Nick, “Talk.”

You haven’t spoken to Jungkook in 3 months and today is finally the day you are able to breathe a little easier and he just has to barge back in.

“Like I said,” You snatch your phone back from him, “Why the fuck would I want that?”

Nick shifts around uncomfortably, his eyes darting from you to Jungkook.

“Well, I am gonna head to my room…uh, bye y/n…it was nice meeting you…I guess…”

You and Jungkook both turn your heads toward Nick at the same time, eyes shooting daggers at him.

“Yeah, bye.” Jungkook dismisses his roommate, his jaw clenching.

“Nice to meet you too…”

Nick walks backward until his back meets his bedroom room, he looks at the two of you one last time before turning around to disappear into his room.

“I said, let me drive you home.”

“And I said, why the fuck would I want that?”

“y/n don’t choose now to be difficult.” Jungkook takes a step closer to you, his hands running through his dark, messy hair. His eyes shut in frustration, “I just want to talk to you.”

“And I don’t want to talk to you.” You take a step back, “Plus, how would your girlfriend feel if you took me home?”

Jungkook’s eyes narrow, his mouth setting in a firm line.

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Could of fooled me and like, everyone else.” You scoff.

Jungkook bites down on his bottom lip, not knowing what to say. While she’s not his girlfriend she’s also not not his girlfriend. It’s complicated.

“Can I please, just please, can I take you home?”

“No, Jungkook. The fucking audacity,” you scoff again, “You haven’t spoken to me in 3 months,” your voice fucking cracks and you feel like dying. “Don’t start now.”

“y/n…” he runs another frustrated hand down his tired face, “I didn’t mean for it to go this long…” “I don’t fucking care, Jungkook.”

You feel your chest begin to burn, and your eyes begin to gloss over but you won’t cry. You won’t give him the satisfaction.

“I want nothing to do with you.”

You stare at the phone in your hands as you begin ordering your Uber when he yanks it from your hands once again, he hides the phone in his back pocket and you snarl.

“What the hell Jeon?”

“I said I am driving you home so we can talk so that’s what we are gonna fucking do, okay?” he grabs your hand and begins walking you towards the front door. There’s something about Jungkook...you decide to listen. You watch silently as he puts on his shoes and grabs his wallet and keys.

“Okay…” you finally answer, your voice timid.

He said you guys are going to talk but the car ride has been mostly silent save the low radio playing in the background. Maybe it’s better this way, you think. You aren’t sober, that’s for sure but you also don’t think you are drunk enough to handle this properly. You decide maybe that’s also for the best.

“You sir, are a fucking asshole.” You speak up, your fingers playing with the zipper of your purse. The car smells like it always does, his fresh laundry car freshener and you get sucked into a million memories linked with this scent.

“I know.” Jungkook eyes you from the driver seat, you shiver from the running AC and so he turns it down, “There’s a blanket in the back if you want to grab it.”

“No thanks, don’t know where that’s been.”

“It’s clean, I promise.”

Your eyes go wide as you recall his last promise to you…”Just a few days. I promise.”

“Yeah, I don’t actually believe in your promises anymore.” You continue to pick at the zipper of your purse, your eyes never leaving the zig and zag of the material.

“I needed space y/n, fucking sue me.” He groans out, his fingers gripping the steering wheel tightly.

“Oh I wish I could.” You snap back.

You feel your chest burn and tighten again, your eyes slightly watering. You have to force them shut to keep from any tears growing.

“I called and texted you every day.” You whisper, his grip getting tighter on the steering wheel.

“I gave you a few days Jungkook. But I never heard from you until 11 at night one night telling me you are fucking moving out.”

“I know, that was…fucked up, I admit. But I had to do what I had to do and I just wish you would let me explain that—”

“No.” you cut him off, “You don’t deserve to explain anything.”

“You mean so much to me y/n…”

“Don’t.”

Jungkook pulls over on the side of the road, turning off the ignition.

“What are you doing?” you sputter out.

He clicks his seatbelt off his body and turns to face you, “Getting comfortable.”

“Why?”

“Will you look at me?” Jungkook tilts his head towards you, “Will you please look at me?”

“No.” you stay facing forward, your hands folded in your lap.

“y/n…please.” His voice sounds strained and you almost feel bad. Almost, but not quite.

You don’t need this…you don’t need him. Ouch, you feel pain in your chest as you think that…oh, the lies you tell yourself.

“Say what you need to say Jungkook, so you can take me home.” Your face stays neutral.

Jungkook sighs out, feeling almost defeated, but not quite.

“I…I am so sorry.” He finally says.

“About what?”

“Everything y/n.” his voice cracks and somehow you feel satisfied.

“You’ll have to be more specific if you ever want my acceptance”

“I know…the first thing I am sorry for is not telling you about Taehyung. That was…that was wrong of me—”

“No shit, but go on.” Your voice stays steady as you speak.

“I was worried about other shit, I was selfish and it’s taking me a long time to forgive myself…but I’ve thought a lot about it these last few months and—and…”

“Oh? You’re worried about you forgiving yourself? Shouldn’t you be a little more concerned about I don’t know, me?”

Jungkook frowns at your words, because well, you’re right. And he’s getting to that part but you keep interrupting him. But he lets you.

“Yes. I am most worried about you, of course.” He breathes out. “You have no idea what these 3 months without you have felt like…”

“Really Jungkook? If anyone knows its fucking me. I went 3 months without you too. You left me!” you start to lose your composure as you speak, your hands gripping on to your poor purse. “When I was going through a really hard time you straight up left me.” You whisper.

“Please believe me…I had my reasons. It was truly for the best y/n.”

“For the best?” you scoff. “You’re such an asshole.”

Jungkook winces at your words, he knows you mean them and that hurts him even more.

“Can you just trust me?” Jungkook blurts out.

Huh? You shake your head, disappointed he would say something so …well, ridiculous.

“Just stop, Jungkook.” You hesitantly roll your eyes, still shaking your head.

Jungkook licks his lips over and over, trying to figure out his next words.

“I really really,” he begins to lose it, his eyes darting all around the car. “just need you to trust me.” He blinks repeatedly, his eyes not focusing on anything in particular.

You, of course, do not believe your ears. Trust him? How could you possibly trust him?

“I just really…I really had my reasons y/n. And I’m sorry, but I just need you to just trust me, that I had my reasons and that I do care about you.” His voice is shaky and you’re uncertain how to take this information.

“I’m confused…” you begin, you tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. “You want me to trust you? Even after you left me? Even after I ‘threw myself’ at you?!”

“You weren’t in the right head space y/n…you were vulnerable and…and you didn’t actually want me. You just were feeling used and rejected and needed something to make you feel wanted. To feel better. You wanted to use me for that and I couldn’t let you. But how much could I handle? You liked one of my friends, dated him…sort of, even slept with him and I had to be your shoulder to cry on when,” his breathing picks up heavily as he tries to speak, “it doesn’t matter.” He grits out.

You sit there…speechless. He wasn’t wrong, was he? You were feeling lost and rejected and used and you just wanted something or someone to feel better and who better than your best friend? But it’s also his fault you needed things to work out with Taehyung in the first place!

“Jungkook—”

“I’m not done.” He breathes out, his hot breath reaching your skin.

“I needed some space to think. But I realized I couldn’t properly think things through if I saw you every day, so yeah, I moved out. I’m sorry…” He runs a hand through his hair, a light chuckle makes it way past his lips “Then I met Vanessa.”

“I don’t want to talk about your little girlfriend.” You turn to face forward in your seat, your eyes glancing at the stop sign ahead.

“I told you, she’s not my girlfriend. But it is complicated.”

You continue to look straight ahead, your heart racing in your chest. The subject of “Vanessa” making you feel anxious.

“Complicated how?” you gulp.

“Don’t worry about it.” He laughs to himself, you turn your head to look at him.

“Are you serious, Jungkook?”

“We fuck y/n.”

“But it’s more than that right?”

“Yeah…” Jungkook bites down on his lip.

You look at him bewildered.

“Do you like her? Love her?”

You grip your purse in your lap, waiting for his answer. How would you feel if he answers yes? Are you brave enough to endure that answer? And if he says no? should you be happy? Should you feel relieved?

“No.” he closes his eyes, he folds his hands in front of him. “It’s complicated.”

You sign in relief—oh. Relief is the emotion you are feeling. Why? Why should it matter?

“Why are you telling me all of this?” you whisper.

“I want to be friends again, y/n.” he says softly, his eyes searching yours.

This is madness, how the hell could you save this friendship? Your face scrunches up and the first couple of tears slide down your cheeks, you shake your head as they continue to fall.

“You don’t know how this makes me feel…” you cry out. “I don’t even know how it makes me feel.”

You miss him, so fucking much and he’s right here offering himself to you. But you ‘re so hurt.

“y/n…I know I hurt you. But you gotta believe me when I say it is the hardest thing I have had to do…you understand that right? I had to do it…you understand right?” he begs.

“You were so quick to abandon me, Jungkook.” You drop your head into your hands, the tears uncontrollable now.

“I…” Jungkook begins to panic, his own eyes glossing over. “Fuck, I’m so sorry. Please y/n…I can make it up to you.”

“Things would never be the same, you get that right?” you bawl into your lap, your words coming out broken.

“Please baby, I just need you in my life again…” Jungkook admits, his own words choppy. He reaches his hand to touch you, to his surprise you don’t flinch. His hand cups the back of your head and he begins to massage it softly.

“I have missed you so much and nothing I mean nothing can replace you.” He hesitates to continue, “trust me…I have tried.”

You sob into your hands harder, the weight of his words crushing you.

“I’m sorry Jungkook but I…I don’t believe you.”

Jungkook’s eyes widen as he absorbs your words, his mouth falls open in shock. Don’t believe him?

“What—what do you mean? What are you saying?” his panic filled voice makes your stomach churn.

“I reject your offer. Now please take me home.” You lift your head and stare straight ahead. “I’m serious.”

Jungkook face twists into a bewildered expression, he doesn’t believe his ears. You…reject him?

“Wait—”

“I said take me home now.” This time you snap your face in his direction, the cold look in your eyes piercing his very soul.

“Okay.”

Hopeless: the dictionary describes it as without hope ; despairing. But in reality, it’s just a picture of Jungkook’s poor, poor face.

Jungkook parks in his designated spot in the lot of his apartment complex, he reverses in because why the hell not. So extra. His drive home was silent… not even the radio on a low volume keeping him company, just complete silence. He turns the car off but doesn’t make a move to get out, he just continues to sit here in his car and sigh out dramatically every 5 seconds.

He’s so confused and lost on what to do. He bangs his head against the steering wheel a few times just for the hell of it, he just…he didn’t think you would reject him. But honestly? Can he blame you? All he’s done lately is be selfish and mess up over and over again. But he wishes you could just trust him but he also wishes he could just tell you the truth. Maybe then you could understand his position and you wouldn’t be mad at him anymore. But he has to wait.

Jungkook’s head is still banging against the steering wheel when more thoughts of you bombard his mind. His breathing picks up and he starts to sniffle, he doesn’t want to cry but you just…you don’t want anything to do with him. He balls his hands into fists and hit the steering wheel over and over causing the horn to go off a few times but he doesn’t care he’s so upset, he just….

When Jungkook saw you tonight for the first time in 3 months he swears his heart actually stopped. He swears it raced so quickly that it just stopped. He let go of Vanessa’s hand so quickly because he wanted to rush to you and hug you close, he wanted to just feel you. Not having touched your skin for the last 3 months…he doesn’t want to imagine even another day.

A few tears slip past his closed lids, he chuckles darkly as he recalls you and Nick. He thought, wow, the universe is cruel and also hilarious. His fucking roommate? He shakes his head, laughing again but his lips remain downward. He feels so fucking helpless right now. But he deserves this, he deserves to feel this pain. He did this to himself and he’s fully aware of that.

Jungkook thinks of your face, he thinks of your smile, he thinks of your eyes and he cries harder, his tears landing on the steering wheel and sliding down landing on to his lap. Yes, he feels like all hope is lost but he knows he cannot give up. He will win you over again one day. He lifts his head and wipes his tear streaked cheeks with the back of his hand and breathes out steadily.

“y/n…” he whispers to himself. Your name leaves his mouth in frustration. He won’t give up. He can’t.

~~~~

“And they were roommates?!” Jimin shouts, a banana half sticking out of his mouth, Trina gasps and whispers “Oh my god they were roommates.”

“Yeah, it was a total shit show.” You bang your head against your breakfast table. Holly rubs your back as she sits next to you.

“Then what happened?” she pries further.

“Yeah what the hell happened y/n!” Jimin yells out.

“He asked to be friends again…and I totally rejected him. Maybe I was too harsh? He was so sad guys…it makes me think…I might agree to kind of being…friends?”

Jimin shuts his eyes as a frown decorates his face, he places a hand on his hip and he inhales a sharp breath, “Listen…you’re both my friends and of course I want you to be good again…but he hurt you …bad.”

“I know Jiminie, but his reasons…” you bite your lip, “Never mind.”

“Well, I don’t like it.” Trina butts in. “He fucking left you, remember?”

“Yes Trina, I fucking remember—”

“Then fucking act like it!”

“Trina relax,” Holly intervenes. “They have a long history, right? It’s hard to just forget about everything…”

Jimin stands from his chair, hands on both hips. “Fine, if we are doing this…then you better actually try. Don’t half ass shit, if you’re going to be friends then don’t be an asshole to him, don’t make snarky remarks…I know your ass.”

Jimin has a good point, you haven’t actually thought about how you will act.

“I’ll be a good girl.” You raise your right arm to salute him.

“Fucking smart ass.” He rolls his eyes.

“Are we serious right now?” Trina shakes her head, “You moped around for 3 fucking months y/n. You cried every time you even thought of Jungkook…which was a fucking lot.” She points out, “Listen, you stayed strong when you talked to him in the car. Don’t break just because you feel bad for the dude because he’s fucking pitiful. He doesn’t deserve your pity girl. He’s an asshole!”

“Trina, be nice.” Holly says sternly, reaching forward to grab on to Trina’s hand. Trina visibly relaxes and nods her head towards Holly and smiles softly.

You and Jimin share a look. Are they….?

“You…” You slam your eyes shut, Trina’s words ringing loudly in your ears. You know she’s right. “I’ll think about it some more. For now, I gotta get ready for work.”

~~~~

“Doesn’t Hazel look so pretty here?” Adam shoves his phone in your face as he gushes about his girlfriend.

“Yes dude, she’s so pretty.” You deadpan. “Now can you please put the brownies in the oven? We’re low.”

“Wait wait…here’s one of us together at the park.” He nudges his phone in your hands, you roll your eyes but you take it.

The two of them are sitting on a park bench, she’s leaning into his frame and they both have wide smiles on their faces. They seem so in love. And you know they are because fucking Adam reminds you every 20 seconds.

“Their love makes me sick.” Jade walks over, her hands patting down on her work apron, her tone is bland but she still tries to smile. “Like, we get it.”

“Who loves who more?” you begin with a toothy grin, “Adam to Hazel or Lenny to the sugar cookies?” you laugh while pointing at said Lenny stuffing his face with the reject cookies. Jade and Adam chuckle while they stare at him.

“Hey guys, really?” Lenny says with his mouth full. “You know I feel bad when we throw them away.” He pouts, crumbs decorating his lips.

“Lenny I catch you eating fresh ones all the time!” Adam points out.

“Sometimes they’re a little ugly…” Lenny reasons, “So I…”

“You don’t have to explain my guy, you just really love your cookies.” You hand Adam back his phone as you head towards the walk in freezer to take out the brownies yourself. You load up a tray and stick those suckers in the oven.

“You’re useless Adam.” Jade sticks a piece of gum in her mouth and chews obnoxiously “U-s-e-l-e-s-s. Useless.”

“You’re always so mean to me Jade what did I ever do to you?”

All 4 of you shoot your heads up when you hear the bell go off on the door of the bakery, its loud chime signaling the arrival of a customer.

“Oh.” Jade says while popping a bubble. “It’s your usual customer y/n.”

You tilt your head towards the front of the store to get a look at who she is talking about, and yup its him. Your most consistent customer who orders the same damn thing every single day. 2 oatmeal raisin cookies and that’s it.

“Can someone else just take care of him today?” you whine, “I’m not in the mood to argue.”

“You know he’s just going to ask for you…” Lenny says stuffing his face with another cookie.

“God damn it.” You huff out, you grab two gloves from the box on the counter and begin walking towards the front of the store.

You reach the front counter and take in your enemy—you mean, your customer.

“And what do I owe the pleasure Mister Oatmeal Raisin?” you raise a brow towards the man. He’s only a few inches taller than you, his hair is a sandy color today and you hate to admit it looks good on him.

“You know you could just call me by name.” the man sways side to side with a smirk on his face.

“I like Mister Oatmeal Raisin.”

He has been coming to this store for the last couple of months and you two…don’t necessarily get along swimmingly. He complains a lot and is a total smart ass. And you? Well, you’re not much better.

“Well, I’ll have my usual.” He smiles, “And you know the drill, please make sure there is a normal amount of raisins and not a million, I don’t want 8 raisins a bite. But one every now and then.”

You roll your eyes extremely dramatically, pressing the buttons on the screen for his order.

“Sir yes sir.” You salute towards him, “How could I not know the drill?”

“That’s the spirit.”

You spin on your heels and head towards the back to heat up his two cookies. You carefully select one cookie with barely any raisins and one cookie with a million, just like he didn’t want. You cackle to yourself as you place them in the baggy, feeling beyond satisfied.

“How haven’t you gotten fired?” Adam crosses his arms over his chest as he watches you, “And how hasn’t he complained about you? You do this every time I don’t get it.”

“He likes her.” Jade says plainly while scrolling through her phone.

“As fucking if!” you scoff, “He wants nothing but to annoy me!” But you can’t help but smile.

“He literally only asks for you every time you’re in.” Lenny reasons, “but you shouldn’t like him back…he likes the worst cookie on the menu. Sugar is where it’s at.”

You laugh at your coworker while walking back up towards the front of the store, reaching the counter.

“Your cookies!” you hand him the baggy with an evil smirk, “I hope you enjoy them.” You wink.

The man opens the baggy and inspects each cookie and with his own evil smirk he winks back at you, “Are we serious right now?” his sly smile doesn’t leave his face as he begins to complain, “You are such a brat.”

“$4 Mister Oatmeal Raisin.”

He hands you the cash, you put it away quickly and with a wide smile you gesture towards the door for him to leave.

“Min Yoongi.” He shakes the bag of cookies in front of him, “Not Mister Oatmeal Raisin.” He turns around and starts walking towards the door but before he exits he tilts his head to look at you one last time, “See you tomorrow…y/n.”

You feel a harsh blush creep up on your cheeks, or your whole face actually. Maybe your whole body. You feel taken aback he knows your name but then you remember you have a god damn name tag.

“Uh…yeah.”

“See you tomorrow…y/n.” all 3 of your coworkers mock in a deep voice.

“Shut up guys!” you whine into your hands, “Can we please just get back to work!”

~~~~~

A few weeks later

The drive to Jimin’s is a quick 7 minutes but you did take a little detour. You decided to stop at the pizzeria that’s on the way and grab a hot pizza for the two of you.

“Hehe.” You look over to the steamy food sitting in the passenger seat.

Jimin has been such a great friend to you all this time and you feel like you’ve never really thanked him…so, tonight you two are going to have a fun night in—he just doesn’t know it yet.

Who doesn’t love being surprised with food?

You pull up to Jimin’s apartment complex and after driving in circles you finally find a parking spot. You grab your purse, your backpack, and the pizza and make your way up to his apartment.

You knock on his front door a few times but get no answer. Maybe he’s not home? No, you definitely hear music coming from the other side…so, you decide to call him.

“Hello?”

“Jimin~ let me in!” you sing into the phone.

“You’re—you’re here?”

“Let me in already!” and with that you hang up and wait patiently outside the door.

A few moments pass before the door is opening up, when Jimin really registers that it’s you he’s kind of closing the door until only his face is shown through the crack.

“Ummm…yes?”

You quirk a brow at the boy, “What do you mean ‘yes?’ let me in!” you begin walking forward when a panicked Jimin opens the door wider to let himself outside and shut the door behind him.

“y/n…why are you here? Did we have plans tonight?” he looks down at the pizza in your hands.

“Not exactly…” you admit, “But I figured we could have a night in.”

Jimin frowns. Fucking frowns!

“Or not?” you say awkwardly.

You hear some sort of banging on the other side of the door and then it clicks.

“Oh? You have someone over?” you smirk.

“Uhhh…no. Nothing like that.” Jimin’s eyes slide to the side as he tries to think of what to say next.

“Babe—”

“Jimin!”

The door is being swung wide open and your eyes travel from some horrendous toes socks to some tight jeans to a striped t shirt to yes, Jungkook’s surprised face.

“Oh.” You both say at the same time.

You and Jungkook stare at one another for a few moments, neither of your eyes leaving the other when Jimin clears his throat.

“Sorry y/n. Jungkook is already over…” he gives you an apologetic smile.

“Is it just you two?” you ask quietly.

“Huh? Uh, yeah.”

You glance down at the pizza and think to yourself. You and Jungkook may not be friends but you can be civil? Yeah, totally! You can definitely be civil! You already bought this fucking pizza so you and Jimin are going to eat it! And you guess, Jungkook too.

“Okay, let me in.” you start shoving your way past Jimin, you watch as his and Jungkook’s eyes go wide.

“Maybe you didn’t hear him, but I am already hanging out with him?” Jungkook sputters out. He awkwardly moves to the side anyway to let you through.

“I can be civil with you Jungkook. Plus, I don’t want this pizza to go to waste. So let’s eat.” You walk through, nudging the pizza box into Jungkook’s hands, he takes it while looking at Jimin with shocked eyes.

Jimin just shrugs and follows you inside.

“Yeah, let’s eat.” He says nonchalantly.

Jungkook is left at the door with the pizza in his hands as he is left completely dumbfounded. He is malfunctioning.

“Jungkook?” you call out over your shoulder, “Hurry up, I’m hungry!”

“Yeah, Jungkook hurry up!” Jimin smirks, he isn’t totally sure what’s going on but he kind of likes it.

“So what were you guys doing before I got here?” you shove an entire slice of pizza down your throat, the sauce getting left behind on your lips.

“I was teaching Jungkook some of my dance moves…we made a bet that he couldn’t learn the entire routine in 3 times…and—”

“Let me guess, he fucking learned it.” You laugh.

Jimin groans, his head thrown back as he begins nodding his head ‘yes.’

“So annoying! What can’t he do!” Jimin throws the pizza crust in the box and Jungkook immediately picks it up and eats it.

“Pshh, I could name a few things.” You point out bitterly. “But we won’t get into that.”

“Yeah, please don’t.” Jimin pleads.

“I’m curious…what is it you think I cant do?” Jungkook quirks a brow at you and your eyes darken in his direction.

“You really want me to?” you take a napkin and wipe your lips, “It’s nothing nice.” You admit.

“Oh then yes, please don’t.” Jungkook is quick to say.

“Yes, please don’t.” Jimin begs again.

The 3 of you are sitting on the living room floor, maybe only 30 minutes or so has passed by and it’s not too awkward. But it’s not necessarily comfortable either. Jimin looks between you and Jungkook constantly, waiting for someone to crack but neither of you really speak to each other. Both of you really only communicating with Jimin.

“So Jimin, are you going to show me another routine?”

“Why? So you can prove you’re the master of everything again? No thanks.”

“Jimin, maybe you can show me a few steps?”

Jimin smiles awkwardly while Jungkook is quick to burst out laughing. You snap your head towards Jungkook and raise your brows at him.

“Why is Jungkook laughing, Jimin?”

“Umm…” Jimin smiles softly, “You aren’t the most…”

Jungkook laughs harder as he watches Jimin trying to explain.

“Aren’t the most…?” You tilt your head towards the boy.

“C’mon y/n don’t make me say it…” Jimin drags out his words in a whine, he plays with his fingers, looking around the room awkwardly.

“Just say it Jimin.” Jungkook chuckles out.

“If you’re trying to say I’m a bad dancer, we all know that’s not true!” you defend once you catch on, you pout at the boys.

“Well…”

“You have both told me I am a good dancer!”

“Well, you know how to move. But steps…following a routine…that’s different. You aren’t very coordinated.” Jimin finally admits, a sheepish grin on his face.

“He means you can roll your hips but your feet are clumsy as fuck.” Jungkook says, still laughing at the situation.

“Shut up.” You glare at Jungkook.

“No, he’s right.” Jimin begins laughing as well, he looks at you and smiles. Well, if Jimin is saying it…maybe it might be true. It’s not like you didn’t kind of know. But still!

“Fine, whatever. Don’t teach me then.”

Suddenly, Jimin’s phone is going off and he rushes to the kitchen to answer it. You and Jungkook eat your pizza in silence, awkwardly catching one another’s gaze.

“So—”

“Don’t talk to me.” You cut in. Jimin isn’t here so it’s not like you have to be totally social with Jungkook.

“Oh.” Jungkook dramatically slumps his shoulders and pouts. You watch him as he throws a silent fit like the baby he is. “Okay.”

Jimin walks back into the living room looking annoyed, he stands between you two and throws a hand on his hip.

“I have to go down to the front office, there was a mix up in packages…I shouldn’t take too long…” he bites down on his plump bottom lip, “Please be civil while I’m gone. Jungkook…” he looks at the boy then at you, “y/n…” he warns.

“Sir yes sir!” you salute towards your friend with a straight face.

Jimin only narrows his eyes as he looks between you two.

“I’m serious…” he says.

Then he is putting on some shoes and heading out the front door, the soft click making you shudder. You’re alone with Jungkook.

A few minutes pass and you both awkwardly just sit there, sometimes catching the other looking. You finally huff out and accidentally giggle.

“What’s funny?” Jungkook’s curiosity getting the best of him.

“It’s just…I feel like we’re Jimin’s divorced parents and we’re trying to be civil for our child.”

Jungkook stares at you with scrunched brows, then looks away while a chuckle escapes his lips.

“Yeah. You’re right.”

You only nod your head in response. You two go back to the awkward silence.

You aren’t used to this…this awkward and odd silence that lingers between you two. It feels so fucking suffocating you almost wish you were on total talking terms so you didn’t have to endure this shit show.

“You know I could…no, forget it.” Jungkook bites his nails as he speaks, “I…”

“What?” you don’t mean to snap at him, but somehow even talking with an attitude feels better than not talking at all.

“I was going to say…I could teach you some steps…then you could surprise Jimin. He’s been working on a salsa piece…I can teach you some? Then maybe he will stop talking shit on your dancing.” Jungkook laughs awkwardly.

“Wait—he talks shit?!” somehow this doesn’t surprise you in the least.

“Only a little.” Jungkook shows you how little with his pointer finger and thumb. “But uh, want me to show you?”

“I don’t even want to talk to you, you think I want to dance with you?” you raise a brow in amusement. You forget this boy has all the audacity.

“Dancing doesn’t have to have any talking.” Jungkook states with a sly smile.

“So you’re just going to show me the steps?”

“Precisely.”

You don’t know why, but this sounds better than actually speaking and/or just sitting in miserable silence. And maybe, just maybe you have a desire to be close to him.

“You think I could learn in time before Jimin gets back?”

“With me as your teacher? Definitely.” He fucking smirks at you and you can’t help but feel that feeling in your stomach. Not necessarily a bad feeling but a fucking feeling.

Jungkook stands to his feet and extends his hand out to you for you to take.

“Here, stand up.”

Your eyes travel from his hands to his eyes and you blink lazily at him…wait, you’re really doing this? He stares down at you and he smiles softly and it creates a warmth in your chest that you’re trying so hard to ignore. You can’t.

Even so, you hesitantly begin to reach up to grab on to his hand, once your skin touches his you feel it. The burning. You should be used to it but right now, the fire is raging and the heat is almost too much. But you let him close his hand over yours as he helps you up.

You’re now standing in front of one another, in complete silence again. But this time it’s not awkward—no, it’s a different type of tension. Your hand lingers in his, neither of you brave enough to let go of the other. Jungkook looks down at you and you up at him, and you feel a million things. But the number one thing you feel is pain. You slowly pull your hand back and break eye contact with him, your head dropping low.

“Show me already.” You whisper.

“Shh, no talking.” Jungkook quietly demands. “Only speak with your body.” He puts some music on the speakers and smirks at you.

Jungkook steps closer to you and you stay grounded in your spot, you can feel the heat of his body begin to radiate and warm you. One of his hands find yours, he weaves his fingers through your own and puts one hand on your hip, he looks down at you to warn you this is how he will guide you.

“Just follow me.”

“You said no talking Mr.Jeon.” you say almost under your breath as you stare into his eyes. Jungkook rolls his head back with a smirk on his face, he looks at you and nods.

He puts his left foot forward and steps with his right foot in the same place at center, then puts his left foot back again. You try to copy his moves but even with such simple steps you step on his feet. He looks up at you disapprovingly. You only smile at him.

You two continue to try these steps until you finally manage to understand them even just a little bit. Jungkook brings your body closer to his as you two move your hips to the music while following the simple steps. His chest flush against your own, his heart beating so loudly you can feel it. Your heart isn’t any better. You start to finally get the hang of it, the music slowly taking you to another place. Jungkook moves his hips to the beat so flawlessly and honestly? You’re doing pretty fucking good if you do say so yourself.

Jungkook’s grip on your hip tightens as he grinds himself closer to you, you feel lightheaded as you two dance to the song. Your breathing getting just a little heavier and you feel lost and pathetic but you’re too immersed in the dance to care. Jungkook finds his head falling into the crook of your neck, his hot breaths fanning against your sensitive skin and you find your hand skimming up his back until you have a handful of his hair. You lightly tug on his locks and Jungkook quietly groans. You don’t know if you’re even doing the right steps anymore, your feet moving all around the place, but somehow it’s working. You’re still following his lead and you’re sure the dance looks somewhat okay. All you care about is how both of your hips move to the beat of the music and into each other. You two are so in sync its driving you nuts.

Jungkook lifts his head and watches as you close your eyes and he closes his own eyes, his head falling forward, your foreheads close to touching. You feel so dizzy, so light and airy, so fucking great like you’re floating. You can’t help but feel the heat creep up your entire body, you feel sweat start to build as you two move. You tighten your hands around Jungkook’s neck and pull him down impossibly close, until his forehead is touching yours. Your harsh breaths mingling with his. You get dragged into the memory of when he had you pinned to his dorms mattress, you recall how his lips left kisses all along your throat, his hot breath reminding you of the past. You think of how he rolled his hips into you effortlessly then as well, you think of how you scraped your nails down his back as he thrusted into you. God, you need to think of something else but Jungkook is filling your mind.

Jungkook’s breathing picks up again, as does yours. Your memories making this dance that much more sensual. You remember the way Jungkook nibbled on your ear as he let filthy words spill from his mouth when he fucked you. God, you should not be thinking this but his body feels so good. God, you should think of anything…literally anything else. You remember how he held you close much like how he is right now. You two continue dancing to the song that is soon coming to an end. You know exactly how it feels to have Jungkook inside you, moving and stilling. You know exactly what it feels like to come all around his cock. God, you need to stop. You need to slow your breathing. God, you…you…you...he continues to guide you along to the music when you feel something hard poke against you. Oh. Oh. OH. Hard. He’s hard.

Immediately, you pull back and take several clumsy steps backward. You blink at him with wide eyes when you realize that maybe he was recalling the same memories as you. Your wide eyes concerning Jungkook.

“Okay, that’s enough lessons for today.” Your harsh breaths don’t go unnoticed by Jungkook, his own breathing quite unsteady.

“Right.” Jungkook mumbles.

You two stand around for a few moments, just taking in the experience you just shared.

You still feel…how do you feel? You just shared a hot dance with your best friend? Wait—ex best friend? You don’t know. The memory of his body moving with yours, his skin touching your skin, his breaths on your neck, his hair balled up in your hands. God, it felt so good.

But so wrong.

“Umm…thanks.” You finally say.

Jungkook perks up at the gratitude, even if it’s somewhat forced. His frown turns into a small smile and you can’t help but smile back.

“I miss you y/n.” Jungkook instantly regrets it by the look on your face. Your expression turning hard. “Sorry I—”

“No, I miss you too.” You answer honestly. “But this doesn’t change anything.”

“But why not? Do you really not want me in your life for like, ever?”

Jungkook’s questions settle deep within you. The depth they hold…it’s too much. You wonder? Is this anti-Jungkook thing permanent? Or are you just trying to teach him a lesson?

Jungkook rubs his temples as he thinks, he sighs out instead of talking more.

“Not forever.” You finally say. Jungkook looks at you, a sliver of hope flashes across his face.

“But when?” he asks softly.

Yeah y/n. When? You know you both can’t go back to how things use to be but maybe starting over? God, you don’t know what to do! You know someone like Trina will be disappointed you became friends with Jungkook again so quickly, but you know someone like Jimin would be happy his two friends are back to being on okay terms. Why are you trying to please everybody? What do you want?

“Will you ever give up?” you say a little more lightly.

“No…” he says under his breath, his eyes focusing on the TV. “Not until you agree to be my friend again.”

You look at Jungkook with disbelief written all over your face, this boy has the fucking audacity once again. You’re amused though.

“Excuse me?” you say, cleaning your ear out with your point finger. “I didn’t catch that.”

Jungkook looks into your eyes, his eyes are large and doe like and it brings you back to every moment ever that he has given you this look.

“You’re stuck with me until you love me again.” He says more firmly.

“Who said,” you look at him with soft eyes, “That I ever stopped loving you?”

Jungkook smiles, he fucking smiles. His adorable bunny smile that makes your heart race.

“You still love me?”

“Only a little.” You jut your lip out, “I mostly hate you.”

Jungkook only frowns for a second before he is smiling again, “That’s fair.”

The two of you stand in comfortable silence for a few minutes, you sway back and forth wondering what you want to say to him—you miss him, of course but…

“Let’s take it slow.” You finally break the silence. You miss him more than anything and it might be worth it to have him in your life again, “You aren’t going to be a priority in my life anymore.” You crack you knuckles, the sound filling up the room.

“I know,” Jungkook feels his heart twist at your words but at least it’s something. “We can go however slow you want y/n.”

“You are on—”

“Thin fucking ice, buddy. I know.”

You exhale a shaky breath, thinking about how to go about this, “We can text every now and then, I’m not sure I want to hang out with you quite yet.”

“Okay.”

“Maybe a group hang out first…”

“I’d like that.”

Jungkook reaches over to grab your hand but you pull back, “That’s a no from me for the affection.”

Hurt flashes across Jungkook’s features but he softens up as he nods his head. “Noted.”

You wonder if you’re making the right decision. This wasn’t easy, you know? This actually felt quite hard. But somehow you feel like some weight has been lifted off your shoulders, like things maybe just maybe will be okay.

“I won’t push myself on you, I promise.” Jungkook sits back down on the floor, crossing his legs.

“Just be yourself, Jungkook.”

“If I wanted to be myself I would be hugging you right now but that’s apparently off limits.” He jokes.

“One hug.” You open your arms timidly. You feel one hug can’t be too bad?

Jungkook widens his eyes in pleasant surprise. He stands to his feet again and opens his own arms.

“C’mere.”

You watch in disbelief as he grins with his arms wide open, expecting you to go to him! And you do. You fucking do.

His arms wrap around you, he pushes you into his chest and you feel so fucking good. So warm, so cozy. His scent making you feel dizzy again, his warmth causing you to heat up. You lean back and look at his content face, he honestly looks so fucking content. Like, this hug is everything to him. And maybe it is, but you don’t know that.

“Uh, am I interrupting something?” you both snap your heads toward the front door to see Jimin standing there with a package in his hands.

“I can come back later?” he smirks at you two.

“No no no no!” you drop your arms from hugging Jungkook and take a few steps back, “We were just—”

“We made up, Jimin.” Jungkook says calmly with the softest smile you’ve ever seen on him.

“We’re taking it slow!” you rush to say.

“Oh?” Jimin winks, he walks forward until he’s in the living room joining you two. “Does this mean you will be joining us this Thursday at Jungkook and Nick’s place?”

“Huh?”

Jungkook shifts on his feet, “Yeah, uh, me and Nick are having a small get together on Thursday…you can bring whoever you want…but you’re definitely invited.”

“Before I answer that…Jimin how did you not know about Nick and him being Jungkook’s roommate?”

“Listen! Jungkook is always HERE! I never go over there! The few times I was there Nick was never home okay?!” Jimin whines obnoxiously.

“Okay, whatever. And Jungkook, I said—”

“You said group hang outs.” Jungkook pouts.

Oh. You did say that. But this soon? And is she going to be there?

You chew on your lips before answering, “Okay. But I’m bringing Trina and Holly.”

“Oh bro, Trina is not your biggest fan.” Jimin cuts in.

“Yeah, I know how she is I already anticipated that.” Jungkook shrugs, he looks at you with a small smile.

Okay, starting over? Taking it slow? Can you and Jungkook do this? You look between the boys and smile,

“Okay. See you boys on Thursday.”

[the-cult-of-russo]

No Going Back

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader 

Request : good morning. i wanna request number 8.  “Maybe you should just leave now.” angst/fighting dialogue. to be correct it is for billy russo right?

A/N: yes it's my Billy boy :') he a lil soft in this though but also an asshole lmaooo not gonna lie, this one had me swept up in the emotion. It hit quite close to home and now I'm sad :') 

Warnings: cursing, angst, sadness and heartbreak. Billy fucked up big time lol

Your hands were shaking as you slammed the door to your apartment. Tears stained your cheeks and you kicked your heels off before storming to your bedroom, grabbing a duffel bag and starting to pack his things that he'd left around. Heartbroken didn't even cover it. 

You knew this would happen, it's why you fought against it for so long. But you were stupid and ended falling for his bullshit and now you were a mess. 

You and Billy had been together officially for 7 months. You'd met a year ago at a bar and hit it off, but when he tried to take you home you'd denied him. That apparently piqued his interest even more. He'd always be at the bar every Friday when you went and it was always easy to just be yourself around him. You didn't take him up on his offer and he would offer every time. He never made it a secret that he wanted you. 

But as the months drew on, you both got to know each other more and it became a sort of friendship. You had to admit you felt something when you looked forward to seeing him. He'd asked you once why you were so against it and you'd been pretty blunt with him. You knew of his reputation and you weren't into it. You didn't do one night stands or casual sex. You wanted a relationship, someone to settle down with. You wanted something real. You told him you didn't think he was capable of that and he'd break your heart. 

Five months into knowing each other and he'd switched from just wanting to fuck you to wanting to actually date you and you'd still put up a fight. But as your feelings for him grew, he wore you down. The moment you agreed to that date, which he'd been over the moon about, everything changed. 

It had been so easy to be with him. He treated you like a queen, was more affectionate than you'd have thought, and you enjoyed each other's company. He was busy with Anvil a lot so you didn't see him every day but he'd call if he couldn't see you or send you sweet texts. He swore to you up and down that he'd never hurt you, never do what you'd thought he would do when you turned him down all those times. 

You'd see the looks women gave him when you went out together or were at an event as his date and sometimes you'd feel insecure. But he only had eyes for you it seemed and it reassured you. It lulled you into a false sense of security that he'd actually changed. That he actually cared about you. 

But you were wrong. So very fucking wrong and now you were paying for it. You'd been having dinner with a friend you hadn't seen in a while when it happened. Your eyes finding Billy across the restaurant. He was sat with a pretty blonde, very up close and intimate as they whispered god knows what to each other. You'd felt your heart crack but tried to deny it. It was just flirting, nothing more. But then… he'd leaned in and kissed her. 

You'd shot out of your seat so fast the chair fell over and ran out of the place like someone had lit a fire up your ass. And you knew he'd seen you because you heard him shouting your name as you jumped into a cab and left. 

You hated yourself for being surprised at what he'd done. You'd told him this was exactly how it would go but he'd swore to you. And you allowed yourself to buy into his bullshit because you loved him. 

Most of his things packed, you padded over to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of wine, pouring a large glass. You swigged it in one and felt the warmth bloom in your chest. It did little to ease the hopeless sorrow that consumed you though. 

There was a rough knock at your door and you heard Billy call your name loudly. You tensed, heart breaking all over again as the tears seemed to be never ending. You didn't want to talk to him, to even look at him. But this was it. You couldn't stay with him, not now. You'd never be able to trust him again. You knew you had to tell him it was done so you could lick your wounds and heal from the pain. 

"Y/N, please… open the door," Billy begged from the other side. You walked over, unlocking it but not opening it as you stormed back off to your bedroom. You knew he'd let himself in. You heard his heavy footsteps entering as you shoved another of his shirts in the bag, one you liked to sleep with.

"Can we talk?" He asked hesitantly. 

"No," you bit out, eyes snapping to him. His face fell when he saw you crying and he took a tentative step into the room.

"Please, Y/N, let me explain," he frowned. You laughed but it held no joy. Only a deep rooted pain that was latched onto your soul. 

"Explain? Really? What, you gonna say you tripped and your mouth landed on hers?! I saw it with my own eyes, Billy! You don't need to explain anything!" You roared, pure pain lacing your words.

He clenched his jaw as he shook his head, eyes glassy as he stared at you. 

"I'm-I'm sorry," he started softly,  reaching out to grab your arm but you smacked it away harshly. He looked like a kicked puppy and you hated it. He didn't get to be upset about this. 

"How long have you been fucking her then?" You asked snidely as you grabbed the duffel bag, holding it in a death grip. 

"I haven't fucked her," he muttered quietly. You snorted deprecatingly and he bit down on his lower lip.

"Yet?" You asked knowingly. His guilty glance to the floor told you everything you needed to know. 

"How long, Billy? How long have you been cheating on me?" You asked, your voice wavered but your gaze had nothing but fire in it and he shifted where he stood. He couldn't look at you. 

"A month. It was always one night, I never went back to someone," he frowned. Pain clawed its way through your chest and you threw the bag at him hard. He caught it but stumbled a little and he looked at you forlornly. 

"Well, I guess that makes it better then, right?" You asked coldly and he flinched. 

You stormed past him back to the kitchen area and he followed quickly. 

"Please listen to me, Y/N. I need to make this right," he pleaded desperately. You whirled around to face him, face flushed and tear stained and you felt like you wanted to scream. 

"Why? Why did you just decide after 6 months together to do this to me? You promised me, Billy! I knew this would happen but you fought for this! For us! Why?! Just so you could break my heart?!" You bellowed, a mix of anger and utter despair in your tone. 

His lower lip quivered and he bit down on it, staring at the floor.

"I never wanted to hurt you. I swear, I didn't. I just…" his voice cracked as his teary eyes landed on you. 

"Maybe you should just leave now," you uttered. Your whole body was trembling and you felt sick. You couldn't stand to look at him. He stepped closer to you, dropping the bag on the floor but you took a step back. It would be far too easy to fall for his bullshit again and if he touched you, you didn't think you'd be able to get him to leave. 

It felt like pure pain ripped through your chest, the weight of the world crashing down around you. You slumped onto a dining chair as a raw sob clawed its way out. Billy was kneeling in front of you in seconds, his own cheeks now damp as he cupped your cheeks. You moved your head from his grip and shook your head. 

"I loved you, you know that?" You whispered brokenly though your tears. You'd never outright said it, mostly in fear of his reaction. But it had all gone to shit anyway. His lip trembled again, scrunching his nose up a little as he shook his head. He looked utterly devastated and it made you angry so you continued.

"I loved you with everything I had. I trusted you with my life. I ripped out my own beating heart and willingly gave it to you because you swore to me you wouldn't do this. You just took it and stomped all over it. How could you do this to me?" Your last words were strained as the tears flowed freely.

"Please let me fix this," he begged helplessly. He was crying openly now, not trying to hide it as he gazed at you from the floor. 

"You can't fix it. I'll never be able to trust you again. It's not just the sex, Billy! You've been lying to me for a month. All those business meetings or times you were away? And you just… you'd come back to me with a smile and tell me sweet words. Looked me in the fucking eye and not feel guilty," you choked out. He shook his head vigorously, hands clasping yours so tight you couldn't pull them away.

"You've got no idea how guilty I felt. It's been eatin' me up from the inside out," he lamented.

"Why would you…? What was it? You just got bored of me? Decided you didn't want me anymore? You should have just ended this because it would hurt less than this," you wept pitifully. He shook his head, clutching your hands tighter.

"Don't… Don't say that, I do want you. I know I don't deserve you, I know I'm an asshole. And… and maybe I shoulda left it alone when you told me this would happen, but I was selfish and I-I couldn't. You were never like the others. I knew that from the moment we met. But then… then things were gettin' serious and I just… I freaked out and went back to my default 'cause I didn't know how to…'' he cried, screwing his face up as he hung his head. 

You sobbed as you stood, his hands falling away and you moved to lean against the table as he stood. 

"It would be bad enough if I'd just got with you in the first place and you did this. But I wanted to avoid this. I tried so hard but you kept on at it. And it hurts so much more because you promised me you wouldn't do this and I believed you. I thought you'd changed, that you…" you ran a hand through your hair, tugging on it as the tears wouldn't stop.

He stepped to you, grasping your face in both hands and you couldn't bring yourself to fight it despite the pain it brought you. His endless eyes were all consuming, his cheeks wet from his own tears.

"Please… please, Y/N, don't do this. Let me make it right," he begged tearfully. 

"Without trust, we have nothing. Everytime you're on your phone I'd wonder if you were talking to another woman. When you're out I'd be paranoid about who you were with. I can't live like that, Billy. I can't live my life in… in an anxious, jealous haze. That's not a relationship," you whispered. 

He made a pained noise and it squeezed your heart so hard you thought it might implode. 

"I was never good enough for you. I knew that. But I wanted… I wanted to try and be-be a good man… for you. And I fucked up so bad and I just…" his words trailed off into a hopeless sob and you squeezed your eyes shut. You wished there was a way to fix this but there wasn't. You wouldn't be in one of those relationships without trust. Checking your partner's phone and always checking in. It would break you.

"You need to leave, Billy," your words were a mere breath and his hands on your face tightened for a moment before they fell to his sides. He looked completely broken and you were sure you looked the same. He opened his mouth before promptly closing it, his jaw ticking as he moved away and pushed the heels of his palms to his eyes. 

You wrapped your arms around yourself like it would protect you from the pain and glared at the floor. You could still feel his gaze burning into you. You glanced at him as he grabbed the bag and slung it over his shoulder. You had to fight the urge to grab onto him as he walked to your door. You felt like you were dying. 

He grabbed the handle but stopped, not looking at you as his body tensed.

"I want you to know… I love you too," his pained words felt like a punch to the gut and you covered your mouth with a hand but it did little to stop the noise that left your lips. He looked over his shoulder at you, still holding the door handle.

"I know that… right now you probably don't believe me, but I do. And I'm sorry. I-I never wanted you to get hurt. You deserve so much better," he muttered despondently. With that, he opened the door and slipped out of your apartment. Of your life. 

You fell to the floor as heaving sobs left your chest. It would have been easier if he came here being an asshole. Cold and emotionless like you knew he could be at times. But seeing him, his emotions so raw and on display, it cut you deeper than any knife could. And you believed him. You knew him well enough to believe that he fell in love with you and freaked out. You knew it would happen which is why you'd turned him down at the start. You believed he never wanted to hurt you. And you wished you could forgive him. You saw how much it hurt him too but you couldn't. You couldn't get over the betrayal and you didn't think you ever could. 

He'd sabotaged what you both had because of his inability to deal with what he felt and the bitter knowledge that if he'd just accepted it, how different your future would be with him, it left a sour taste in your mouth. Billy had opened up to you a lot in your time together about his past and you knew how much it had messed him up. You knew it left him struggling with emotions and relationships and you felt for him. For the lost boy who'd never felt love and didn't know how to cope with it. But nothing could erase the heartbreak. The hurt that he'd given you. Because even if you'd one day be able to forgive him, you'd never be able to forget.

[exosmutfactory]

Six Phases FINALE Pt 2

Originally posted by tipannies

Who knew it nearly took 6 months to win your heart, and 6 phases for Baekhyun to lose his mind.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3  P(1) P(2) | Part 4 P(1) P(2) | Part 5 P(1)  P(2) | Part 6 P(1)  P(2) —– P(3)  P(4) —– P(5)  P(6) | ♬♩♪♩ FINALE P(1)  P(2)✓ (also on AFF)

A/N: Let’s give Riley the ending she deserves 💗

[ contains: smut & fluff~]

•⇔♦ •⇔♦ •⇔♦ •⇔♦ •⇔♦ •⇔♦ •

Tonight is a special occasion, one that requires the most lethal of dresses that I own. A dress I always had my eye on yet never dared to take out from the back of my closet. I could never find the right time to wear it—until now. Because tonight, oh tonight… I have a date with Baekhyun.

I pull up the spaghetti straps of my wine colored dress, making sure that the criss-cross stripes of fabric in the front are straight. This dress is definitely too cold for the first week of December, but that's what winter coats are for. For now, I will turn side to side to admire how the bodycon shape fits well with the cutout section exposing my stomach. Party in the front and business in the back.

Straightening the last strand of my hair, I smile when my phone lights up with a notification, knowing full well who it is. His cute usage of emojis visible on the screen tells me all that I need to know. Chuckling to myself, I set down my flatiron and reply to him.

Baekhyun planned a date at his apartment tonight, subtly dropping a hint about what I should wear. Mmhm, this isn't a t-shirt and sweatpants event. Based on the new black blazer in the back of his adorable selfie that he sent me the other day when he asked me out, I got a good idea of what I'm getting myself into.

Humming to myself, I check my reflection one last time and grab my keys before heading out. Let's see which shade of Baekhyun is awaiting me today.

Strutting my way to the elevator in my rose gold heels, I smile at my neighbor when she steps out onto our floor, whistling at my choice of attire. She winks at me as the doors close. Chuckling, I check my phone one last time, typing a quick reply to Sehun with my French tip nails letting him know that I'm okay. We've made a point to catch up with each other at the end of every week, whether face to face or over the phone. Unfortunately, I have plans tonight… and maybe tomorrow too. And the day after that.

Smirking, I repocket my phone and wrap my fluffy coat tighter around me, waving to the security guard while making my way out of the building. The bite of the December air is refreshing for my skin, the heat packed into my coat leaves me slightly too warm otherwise. I look both ways before crossing the parking lot, staying aware of my surroundings. The last thing I need is any drama from a careless driver or lurking thief in the streets. These heels are too expensive to break off into someone's ass for making me late.

My car unlocks with a familiar chirp, its headlights coming on while I walk around to the driver's side. Taking one last glance at the world around me and my back seat, I climb inside and set my purse down on the passenger's side. My phone vibrates just as I start the engine, buzzing faintly against the soft R&B CD playing on my radio. With a small smile, I check my rearview mirror and pull out onto the road.

I hum along to the first track, wondering if a UN Village actually exists while navigating to Baekhyun's apartment. The Christmas lights set up on the light poles in advance bring another smile to my face. Something about this time of year always sits right with me.

Before I know it, I'm pulling into a parking space at his apartment complex, waiting for the powerful vocals of the 6th song on the album to fade away. Sighing a little, I lean back in my seat, sweeping my eyes over the parking lot as the windows start to fog up. Who would have thought that I'd be back here nearly a year later? With warmth in my heart and a certain silver haired, idiotic yet adorable man on my mind.

"I love you," I mumble shyly, holding eye contact despite my heated cheeks and racing heart.

His whole face lights up with his smile, sparkly brown eyes outshining all the stars in the sky as he cups my cheeks in his warm palms. "I love you more."

Stepping out of my car, I pick up my purse and head inside, sharing a knowing look with the familiar security guard on my way to the elevators. It feels so good to be back, the year-long bad memories vanishing with every step I take. To my home—to my heart. The man my heart calls out for like a rescued fish returning to sea.

Butterflies flutter in my stomach when I arrive on his floor, taking my time to walk down the brightly lit hallway. I wonder what is in store for me tonight. After all, when it comes to Baekhyun, anything can be awaiting me on the other side of that door. Possibilities are endless.

Taking a deep breath, I knock on the door, smiling softly when it opens seconds later only for my jaw to drop to the floor.

Baekhyun... with his silver hair parted to the side, wearing fucking brown eyeshadow. That new black blazer of his has buttons on the ends of the sleeves, sitting perfectly on his broad shoulders. But the real sight to behold is lower down on his body, starting from his half-buttoned black shirt showing his honey-toned chest. That view alone could send a woman into a coma, but then he had to tuck his shirt into a pair of snug leather pants. The belt around his hips shows off the curves of his waist and those damn black heeled boots are back again.

I don't even care that he can see me practically drooling—I already know what's on my menu for tonight.

"Hey," He smiles charmingly, taking my breath away.

I take a moment to compose myself, peeking at him from under my eyelashes with a smile of my own. "Hi, B."

His eyes and smile soften. "Come in, it's cold out." He steps aside to let me in, closing the door behind me.

Humming softly, I relish in his alluring cinnamon scent. "Not really," I mumble distractedly, thinking of how much warmer I feel at the sight of him while he helps me take off my coat. The way his breath hitches has a smirk quirking at my red painted lips. "What are we having tonight?" I inquire, glancing over my shoulder at him.

Baekhyun's eyes immediately shoot up to mine. "D-Dinner," He coughs, trying to cover up his flushed face behind his hand.

"Oooo," I walk further into the apartment, following the spicy aroma of food and making my way to the kitchen. "Okay. What did you order in?"

"Actually," Baekhyun's citrus shampoo floats in the air when I reach the doorway, staring at the set table with wide eyes. "I made it myself," He mumbles shyly, the cool plastic of the flower pinned to his blazer brushing against my back.

"Holy shit…" It's a fucking feast. Fresh salad, crunchy garlic bread, and the most appetizing platter of spaghetti that I've ever seen in my life. Not only that, the single-lit candle in the middle of the table has my heart and below squeezing in earnest. This cheeky little hopeless romantic.

"The meat is turkey-based," Baekhyun perks up after a few moments, walking around to place used pots and pans in the sink. Busying his fidgety hands with moving everything off of the counter. "I bought hot sauce but didn't put much because I didn't know if you'd like it spicy or not."

Walking further into the room, I rest my hand on the back of a chair, watching him with a lick of my lips.

Baekhyun continues occupying himself with everything in the kitchen, not even noticing when I slowly approach him. "The toast is on the softer side and I have some sweet tomatoes in the fridge-"

Fuck it.

I grab him by his jacket when he turns around, tugging on him so hard that a few buttons pop off and scatter around on the floor.

Baekhyun gasps, stumbling a little before bracing his hands on the surface behind me, the dishes on the dining table rattling under our joined weight. "Riley-"

I smash my lips to his, kissing him with fervor, backing him up until his back presses against the counter. I'm relentless with tugging and biting down on his bottom lip, capturing it between my teeth. He moans right into my mouth when I part his lips, sucking hard on his tongue.

The audible smack of our messy kiss echoes around the walls of his apartment, steadily building up tension in my stomach and the ache between my legs. Baekhyun softly huffs and puffs for air after a few minutes, pulling back to catch his breath with rosy, lipstick-smeared lips. "D-Dinner-"

"I'd rather eat something else," I utter lowly, rubbing my hand down his chest. My eyes flicker back up to his wide orbs just in time to catch him gulping, his warm brown eyes darkening significantly.

He looks at me for a long moment, hesitation vivid in his body language. I step closer, cupping his cheek before pressing my lips to his, gently coaxing his soft lips to dance with mine. Baekhyun takes a deep breath before wrapping his arms around me, the caress of his hands over my exposed skin leaving goosebumps in their wake.

This, I muse, shivering in delight when my body is fully pressed against his, is what has been missing.

He grows more daring the longer our lips lock, his warm hands sliding up the back of my thighs and venturing under my dress, bunching up the fabric. His fingertips teasingly slipping between my thighs has my pussy quivering, my own palms tugging on his tucked in shirt to feel more of his skin. Baekhyun grips my ass before spinning us around, hoisting me up onto the counter while I tangle my hand in his hair, my lips still glued to his. I moan when his fingers land on my clothed core, welcoming him between my parted legs.

"You're so wet," He breathes, a look of awe on his face. Sweat is already dripping down from the edges of his hairline, casting his skin in a dewy glow under the dancing candle lights.

"I'm not the only one," I murmur, tapping the back of my fingers on the bulge in his snug pants.

Baekhyun groans, pulling me into another kiss, making me gasp when he tugs me closer to the edge of the counter, his hardon right against my heated core. I shiver, wanting to widen my legs and close them at the same time when he rolls his hips, the thin fabric of my lace thong doing nothing to conceal his erection from my throbbing clit.

Our loud moans and sloppy kisses fill the air, the temperature rising in the room with every roll of his talented hips. I tighten my grip on his hair, gritting my teeth to hold back the tension building between my legs. 11 months has been way too long for me to not be intimate with someone like this, but looking up at Baekhyun's already fucked out face, I wouldn't have it any other way.

With shaky hands and quivering legs, I reach down to undo Baekhyun's belt, flinging it out of my way before pulling his zipper down. My hand slips a few times when he moves my thong to the side, sliding his middle finger into my greedy core.

"Ah…" I pant, tilting my head back as he trails searing kisses down my neck. "Fuck." The feeling of him inside of me after so long has me squeezing my thighs around his waist, fighting the wave threatening to fall over me when he finds my sweet spot immediately.

"So good for me," He murmurs, sucking my earlobe between his teeth. He slips in another finger when I finally pull his cock out of his boxers, swirling my fingers around his tip and stroking him in my firm grip. We speed up as we pant into each other's mouths, too turned on and drowned in pleasure to keep up with our kiss.

"Fuck, baby." He pulls back, cheeks flushed a pretty red hue, "C-condom-"

"No time for that." I shake my head, digging my heels into his lower back only to pause, narrowing my eyes at him. "Unless-"

He shut me up with a kiss this time. "No." He murmurs, meeting my eyes, his firm grip tightening on my hips. "No one else but you."

I am surprised by his answer, but I just nod, letting him continue. I might not be able to read Baekhyun like a book as he says I do, but I know he doesn't fuck around when it comes to his health. Let alone when it concerns the pretty, thick dick he has. Brushing his hair away to look into his eyes, I part my lips only for my breath to hitch, blushing at the feeling of him aligning his cock with my entrance.

"May I?" He murmurs, resting his forehead on mine.

The annoying throb between my legs has me clenching my teeth. "If you don't-" I gasp, clutching onto his shoulders as he slides in to the hilt. The burn of him inside me after so long is more than I expected.

Baekhyun pauses to let me adjust, pressing a chaste kiss to my lips that just makes me spasm around him. A gasp escapes him in turn, his slender fingers digging into the soft swell of my hips. "Easy, baby." He strains, voice deepened in lust.

"Easy for you to say," I grumble through gritted teeth, my back arching when he circles his hips. He presses flush against my goosebump-covered skin, giving me warmth as he starts up a comfortable rhythm, spreading my legs as far as the counter will allow. I can't help but gulp, leaning back against my braced palms. Just the view of his stunning body fully dressed beside his unzipped leather pants is messing with my head, let alone his cock pressing every spot within my walls that drives me insane.

Baekhyun pulls out, and before I can say anything, I hear his knees hitting the floor. Silver locks of hairbrush against my inner thighs moments before warm, wet sensation brushes against my clit.

"Mmm," He moans, tightening his grip on my thighs when I jolt. He pulls me even closer to the edge of the counter, placing my legs over his shoulders, "Come here."

All I can manage to do is tangle my fingers in his luscious locks. Hopefully they are strong enough to sustain my knee-jerking tugs when he drags his lips over my core, sticking his tongue into my hole and taking my folds between his lips. Baekhyun is just… gentle, slurping and smacking his lips against my throbbing core without a care. He's taking his time down there as if he has all the time in the world. I feel bad for my arousal dripping onto the counter and all over his chin—it's embarrassing, but it's never been this… this good.

"So sweet," He murmurs, sliding his warm palms up my waist.

Trying my best not to succumb to the coil in my stomach, I risk a glance down at him. The sight of his tongue poking out from between his coated lips to caress my swollen nub in the gentlest of ways has me tensing up—even more so when his brown eyes flicker up to meet mine.

"Baekhyun." I pant, tugging harder on his hair.

"Come on," He breathes, gripping my hips when I start to tremble.

"B-Baekhyun." It takes everything in me to hold on, bracing myself against the counter. "I want you inside…" I throw my head back when he slips a finger inside, quickly followed by another.

"Give it to me." He demands, so softly in an airy tone, his breath hitching at a particularly hard tug on his roots. He's damn near pleading for it and it's driving me crazy. "Come all over my face, baby."

Yeah, there's no winning this fight. With his lewd words and soft lips wrapping tight around my clit, rolling it around inside of his mouth with his tongue, that's it. Game over. How I managed this long without falling over the edge by the works of his mouth is a mystery within itself.

Baekhyun doesn't stop humming and massaging my clit with his lips until I softly push his head away, closing my shaking legs. He stands back up, sliding his hands up my thighs and leaning in for a kiss. It's different from the others we've shared tonight, filled with a certain hint of gentleness and love that matches the yearning and adoration in his sparkly brown eyes.

"Fuck, Riley." Baekhyun pulls back, cock twitching in my hand when I rotate my wrist. He cards a hand through his hair, chuckling in disbelief. "You are driving me crazy."

"Yeah?" I drawl, wrapping my thighs around his waist. "Come show me crazy."

"I'm not gonna last…" He admits, looking worried.

"How long do you plan on loving me, Byun Baekhyun?" I demand, tucking my index finger under his chin for him to face me.

Baekhyun's eyes dance like shimmering orbs of light. "Until my last dying breath."

"Well," I breathe, butterflies fluttering my stomach when his words settle in. "I'm sure we can fit in plenty of rounds until then."

The sweetest smile forms on his handsome face before his brows knit together, biting his bottom lip when I pull him back inside, digging my heels into his back.

"Don't hold back," I whisper into his ear, brushing my lips over his neck. Baekhyun takes a shaky breath, pulling away until only his tip is in my sensitive core. The bruising grip he has on my hips is the only warning I get before he plunges back inside. 

Baekhyun doesn't hold back in the slightest. He sets a fast, near brutal pace, lifting my hips to slam inside of me at an angle that has me screaming his name, clinging onto his clothed shoulders for dear life.

"Fuck, baby." He groans, his steady rhythm taking on sloppy, shallow thrusts. The squelch of our joined bodies stirs up an unexpected heat in me. "I'm gonna-"

"Yeah," I breathe, locking my legs around the back of his trembling thighs. My heart and pussy clench in earnest at the expression on his face.

Baekhyun pants, sweat dripping down his forehead and falling off of his jaw. The flap of his jacket exposing his chest with his shaky movements. "Can I-"

I lick the salty sweat from his heated skin, sucking harshly where his collarbone meets his gorgeous neck. "Inside me, B."

He groans the loudest one of the night, hiding his face in my neck as he pounds into me. His cum spills deep inside, hot and messy. The warmth of it triggers my own release. I have to bite down on his shoulder to contain the uncontrollably loud moan that's ripped from my throat with his final gentle thrusts.

Baekhyun slows down to a stop, his chest flushed to mine while we try to regain our breath. The smell of sweat and sex permeating the air has me giggling breathlessly, running my fingers through his damp hair.

"Fuck—baby," He mutters, hurrying to pull out. "Your dress."

"It's-" I moan, biting my lip when he slides his fingers back in.

"Where's a towel," He frantically looks around, the most comically concerned expression on his handsome, dewy face. "There it is! Ah, it's too far away... I'm sorry, baby-" He stops when I wrap my hand around his wrist, slipping his cum covered fingers between my lips.

"Take it off of me," I whisper, staring right into his dilated eyes.

"You'll be cold," He murmurs, looking between my eyes and my mouth sucking on his fingertips.

"Then warm me up," I purr, wrapping my thighs back around his waist.

Baekhyun's jaw drops, his cock already stirring against me. I reach down to take him into my hand, rubbing my fingers around his tip. "You'll be the death of me." He groans, tangling his hand in my hair and pulling me into a searing kiss.

Hours later, we're curled up in bed. My head on his pillow with his hands in my hair.

"W-Will you stay the night?" Baekhyun whispers, brown eyes no longer showing signs of tiredness.

I smile, completely in love with this new side of him. Baekhyun, in all that he is, is the most beautiful man in the world. "Of course, baby," I murmur, tracing random shapes on his honey skin.

He perks up with the most beautiful smile growing on his face, gently pulling me closer until my head rests on his chest, his fast-beating heart a dead giveaway to how happy he is. I kiss over his heart, looking up into his shimmering brown pools of love. Is he...? Gently swiping my finger under his eye has a tear falling down his cheek. And another. And another…

"You mean everything to me," He breathes, arms and legs tangled so much with mine I don't know where he ends and I begin.

I smile, falling asleep to the beat of his steady heart and the security of his warm arms. "You mean the world to me."

��••

Time goes by so fast when you're happy and in love, turning even your hardest days into nights that you want to remember. Just having that person you love the most by your side, through thick and thin, for better or for worse, makes all the difference in the world.

—The only downside is how agonizing time passes when you are apart.

I pop my bubble gum with my chin resting in my palm, humming and tapping my pen on my desk. After catching up on a day's worth of paperwork, (blame my procrastination… and spending the weekend at Baekhyun's,) I'm bored, impatiently waiting for noon. There's only one way to fix this mood before I'm in a slump for the rest of the day, and looking at the home screen of my phone, I plan to arrange that very soon. 

As soon as 12:00 pops up on the clock, I tap the first number on my speed dial, pressing my ringing phone to my ear.

"Hello?" His honey-smooth voice flutters over the line.

"Baekhyun." I apply a fresh layer of lip gloss to my lips, tucking away my hair to make sure my diamond earrings don't get tangled. "Are you free for lunch?"

"Yeah." He mumbles distractedly, shuffling papers filter through the call before a door shuts.

"Come over." I demand, hanging up. Pushing back from my desk, I walk over to my vanity table, straightening out my black lace, sleeveless bra from under my robe. It's mid-Spring again, already hot enough to wake me up in the middle of the night when I don't sleep with my fan on. The perfect excuse for what I have planned for my "week off" of work. I don't care how many business meetings I have to host from the comfort of my own home.

The doorbell rings just as I'm smoothing down my hair, checking my reflection one last time in the mirror. I make my way out of my bedroom and into the living room, pulling the door open with haste.

Baekhyun stands on the other side with wide, frantic eyes, dressed impeccably in a black suit with his slicked back silver hair the slightest bit ruffled. "Riley, what-"

I yank him inside, crashing my lips to his, pressing his body to the door before it slams shut. His scent surrounds me in seconds, vanilla-scented clothes with traces of smoke. The rich citrus of his soft hair and the hint of musk on his skin from a long day of work. My hands are undoing his tucked in shirt before he can get a word in.

"Riley." He grunts, holding me close as I trail messy kisses down his gorgeous neck. I walk backwards to the couch, toppling onto it with him following me.

"How long before your next meeting?" I murmur, pulling him closer by his tie.

Baekhyun visibly gulps, brown eyes darkening significantly before they flicker back up to mine. "They'll survive." He chuckles, licking his lips, leaning in for another frenzied kiss.

Yeah, Baekhyun wasn't kidding about him being a workaholic—which I already knew, but damn if it isn't annoying sometimes. He's more busy stressing over the new designs for his clothing line than helping me plan his 27th birthday party. All my subtle questions to find out what he would want have been futile. It's just been him typing on that damn computer of his for hours.

I go around spraying the plants in his office, talking sweetly to each of them to make sure they get enough Co2. Their droopy leaves need some perking up with the sheer amount of gloom coming off of Baekhyun's furiously typing form.

He abruptly stops, sighing loudly for the 100th time today. "I should give up."

"Nooo," I pout, walking behind his chair to wrap my arms around his neck, taking a small peek at the rough sketches on his computer. " Keep going, don't give up now."

Baekhyun smiles tiredly, pressing a kiss to the back of my hand. "What do you know about that, hmm?"

"A bit." I smile softly, lightly resting my head on his. "Things may seem shaky now. Just out of reach. No longer within your control." Twirling his hair around my finger, I smile to myself. "But that's okay, it means you are being challenged. And a challenge conquered to the best of your abilities will do you a lot of good." I close my eyes, basking in his presence and comforting scent. "So keep going, you'll never know what you are capable of until you reach the end."

My eyes snap open when Baekhyun suddenly spins around, staring up at me with wide, teary brown eyes. "B-" I wheeze, not expecting him to pull me into his arms, hugging me like a lifeline. "Baekhyun…?" I try again, growing alarmed when his tears wet the front of my shirt.

He only holds me tighter in response, his chest silently heaving against mine. I slowly wrap my arms around him and gently tangle my fingers in his hair, pressing a kiss to his ear.

He's adorable, in every way, shape, and form. Ugh, I'm going to end up in a love-induced coma one day with the way my heartbeat always skips when I'm around him. No matter if I'm meeting him for lunch or if he comes to work across from me at my desk when I'm chasing deadlines, I wouldn't change a thing for the world.

—Except maybe his sense of timing things.

I startle awake, clutching my racing heart with unsteady breathing. The details of my nightmare slowly fade away, but it does little to calm me down. Feeling a sense of urgency, I clumsily search around for my phone. I'll text Baekhyun; I need to make sure he is okay.

My eyes squint at the bright screen of my phone, not expecting to check it in the middle of the night, let alone the notification I find there.

*

Baekhyunee💘💕🥺💓😘

Thursday, 2:34 am

Riley

//

Hlep

//

I nee d u

//

*

I fly out of bed like a bat out of hell, rushing over to his apartment, nearly hitting three pedestrians on the way. Parking hazardly in the first empty parking spot I find before jumping out and all but running to the fourth floor. I pound on his door loud enough to wake the whole neighborhood until he opens up, revealing bloodshot eyes and a can of beer in his hand.

"Baekhyun, what's wrong?" I pant, resting my hands on my knees and frantically looking him over. He mumbles something unintelligible under his breath. "What?" I demand, trying to catch my breath.

"I-I just..." He mumbles sluggishly, slouching his shoulders with sadness in his puppy eyes. "I just miss you."

My frantic heart softens. "Get inside and sit down." I demand, pressing a kiss to his cheek before closing the door.

I love this man so fucking much. Even if he annoyingly wakes me up sometimes at 2 to 3 am, I'd run over to his place with my baggy pants and sleeping cap in a heartbeat.

•••

June rolls back around before I know it. This time, however, I plan to decline Jongin's offer to participate in the dance competition again. But to my uttermost surprise, he'll be taking Kyungsoo instead. For tap dancing.

???

Just how multi-talented is Baekhyun's group of friends? Spare me some of that energy, please?

Speaking of friends, Chanyeol's tall figure invited us over to his house today, the mansion that he used to share with Baekhyun and Jongdae.

—I have a grudge against him right now though because he literally called Baekhyun in the middle of the night to challenge him to some video game duel. The comical way his face changed when he saw me glaring at him from the corner of their video call though. By the end of their conversation, an invite was extended to me and Sehun too. It's "best friends" night, and boy do I have a lesson for Park Chanyeol. Lesson one: never underestimate a woman on a mission. In work, life, or on the playing field.

"Damn, man," I mumble, looking wide eyed at the huge flat screen TV and various game consoles around the room. "Leave you alone with the mansion for 2 years and you stocked up your mancave to the finest degree."

Chanyeol flicks a few buttons on the wall next to the door that dims the lights, letting the bright TV and a few arcade games illuminate the room. Baekhyun's eyes twinkle brighter than anything else in the spacious room. He goes over to chat with Chanyeol while I stand in the doorway with Sehun.

"Hey," I whisper, nudging him. "Remember when you used to stream your games back in the day? And the pink hair?"

"Oh yeah." Sehun chuckles while I notice Chanyeol perk up out of the corner of my eye. "I had a setup similar to this back at home." He stuffs his hands in his pockets, taking another look around. "Less impressive though," He mutters, crinkling his nose.

Chanyeol quickly walks over. "Number one victory royale?" He asks, eyes wide. "King of the south-bound?"

"Moisty mire extraordinaire...?" Sehun inquires, eyes widening as well. 

Chanyeol stares him down for a long, hard minute, and then raises his hand. "Truce?"

Sehun smirks, gripping Chanyeol's hand firmly in his. "Truce."

I blink, more than confused. Baekhyun catches my eye and just winks.

Originally posted by exo-stentialism

I'm having a huge dilemma—no, a midlife crisis. All hell is about to break loose and I'll be in the center of it.

Baekhyun asked me out on a date—I know, I know, listen! 

He asked me out on a date… with barely any hints on what to wear.

He didn't say, "wear whatever you want," when I called him earlier. He told me to, "wear something nice."

Nice?! Nice. That's all I got while he remained tight-lipped about his own outfit. At least give me a color, man!!!

So, here I am, swiping clothes left and right in my closet like a madwoman until my eyes land on the perfect dress. One of sheer beauty and elegance.

A white, off the shoulder, hollowed out strapless mini dress with floral patterns from start to finish. The sleeves are made completely out of lace, the ends resting beautifully on the back of my hand. I smile at my reflection in the mirror, keeping my makeup light, only focused on enhancing my features. My phone buzzes just as I recap my eyeliner.

Your chariot awaits.

Giggling, I quickly type up a reply, tucking my phone into my clutch while wondering what this 'chariot' could be. Baekhyun sure does fancy using these cheesy words lately it seems.

Strutting down to the parking lot as gracefully as this dress will allow, I feel thankful for the warm summer night air. Bugs and I, when I'm wearing a dress like this, I need all the warmth I can get.

A blue jeep pulls up and honks at me, confusing me for a second because it isn't Baekhyun's Audi until they roll the passenger window down, revealing Jongdae's ever-bored face.

I blink a few times. "...What kind of low budget uber is this?"

"Yah!" Chanyeol loudly protests, barely overpowering Jongdae's rambunctious laughter. He glares at the brunet clutching his stomach.

"Hop in, Cinderella." Jongdae chuckles as the car doors unlock. 

I carefully climb into the back seat, readjusting the hem of my dress.

"Someone got all dolled up tonight." Jongdae grins, shooting a teasing look back at me.

"Ubers don't talk much, Dae." I point out, watching the city lights fly by while Chanyeol pulls off and navigates us down barely familiar roadways. "Where are we going?"

Chanyeol meets my eye in the rearview mirror. "Where do you think?"

"If I didn't have your mother's number on my speed dial I'd call the police, Park," I grumble, resting my elbow on the car door and my chin in my palm. Jongdae's laughter quirks a smile on my lips while Chanyeol continues driving with furrowed brows and a grumpy frown on his face.

After a while of speeding cars and the radio quietly playing, a certain blue building catches my eye. "Where are we?" I perk up, my eyes widening at a sign in the distance. "Is this...?"

"UN Village," Jongdae supplies.

"Step on the gas, Yeol."

"I-I'm not sure you want to do that, Riley." Jongdae tries to diffuse the situation, his weary features flickering over to the competitive expression forming on Chanyeol's face. "You could get motion sickness and-"

"I thought you were the fastest on the road, Yeol," I fake pout, subtly making sure my seatbelt is secure. "I guess I was wrong."

"Oh yeah?" The tall oaf counters, bursting for a challenge at this point.

"Riley," Jongdae tries again when Chanyeol sits up straighter, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. "Don't-"

I curl my lips up into a shameless, cheshire cat grin. "Betcha."

My back thuds against the seat when he accelerates. Chanyeol weaves in and out between other vehicles on the road like no one's business. Thankfully the traffic is light tonight and we are taking a lot of unpopular backroads. Heaven knows what would happen if he did this in the heart of Seoul.

Jongdae holds onto the passenger car door and the back of Chanyeol's seat for dear life, the reflection of him in the mirror looking a little green against the bright city lights. By the time Chanyeol slows to a stop, he's leaning his arm across the dashboard, tucking his head between his knees.

"Never," He croaks out, gasping for air. "Again."

Chanyeol's triumphant smirk has me holding back a giggle. I direct my eyes out the window to avoid Jongdae's disgruntled glare.

"Ha! You call that fast?" I grin, hopping out of the car on wobbly legs. "My Grandma can drive better than that."

"Riley," Jongdae pipes up weakly, holding his stomach while Chanyeol's nostrils flare, big brown eyes ablazed. "Don't encourage him, he isn't your ride home."

I begin to rebuke, but pause, noticing an odd building in the distance. "What the…" It's a giant white structure with a curved entrance, another one of those intricate places that the Hannam-dong architects must have loved to build here. "What kind of building is that?"

"Keep walking," Chanyeol nods, gesturing to the long walkway between the tall walls. "You'll see."

Butterflies erupt in my stomach, making me nervous for a moment, but the good gut feeling I get from looking between both their expressive eyes encourages me to move forward. "Thanks for the ride, Yeol," I say softly, patting his jeep before taking a few steps back. Smirking mischievously over at Jongdae. "Sorry for making you lose your lunch, Dae."

He waves me off with a fake annoyed expression, not able to hide the curl of his little smile.

I spin around on my heels, walking through the entrance between the two curved walls. The clicks of my heels on the pavement is the only sound I hear. Following the uneven path, I crinkle my nose, wondering what the hell Baekhyun is up to this time. Got me out here walking down curved pathways in the dark.

Well, apparently the building curls all the way around to a see-through door in the middle, but that isn't what makes me stop in my tracks. It's that flash of familiar silver hair.

Baekhyun leans against the wall with his silver hair parted in the middle, twinkling under the bright lights. Wearing a white blazer, a white t-shirt and silver leather pants. The metal of his belt catches the light along with the rings on his fingers and accessory necklaces adorning his neck.

I snap my jaw shut, making my way over to him. "Baekhyun…"

He smiles warmly, little strands of hair dangling in his eyes in the most handsome way. "Hey."

"Hi," I whisper. "You look…" Eyeing him from head to toe—to those damn sexy heeled boots, I'm at a loss for words. "Wow."

Baekhyun chuckles, moving off of the wall to walk closer to me, taking me by the hand. "You look beautiful as well," He murmurs, kissing every knuckle on the back of my hand.

I feel my face heat up all the way up to my ears. I've only been out here with him for 5 minutes and I'm already about to faint from the softness blooming in my frantic heart. "What are we doing tonight?" I ask softly, not sure if I want to keep gazing into his sparkly brown eyes or look away from the butterfly-inducing adoration written all over his face.

"It's a surprise," Baekhyun supplies, chuckling at the impatient expression on my face. He brings my hand to his cheek, staring deeply into my eyes. "Walk with me?"

My heart goes into overdrive. With that look on your face? I couldn't deny you if I tried.

I nod and let him take the lead, resting my head on his shoulder. There's something about being with him at night like this. Something unexplainable and magical in the air. The soft fabric of his blazer brushing against my cheek and the light July wind blowing through his hair. He's so warm and smells so good I have to bite my tongue not to drag him back to my apartment just to curl up next to him on the couch.

Something tells me that tonight will be a special one, but really, if it's with Baekhyun, anywhere and everywhere, I'll love it either way.

I notice something out of the corner of my eye when we step out onto a sidewalk, briefly lifting my head from Baekhyun's shoulder. "Dokseodang Children's Park?" I mumble curiously.

Baekhyun hums. "This is my favorite place." His eyes sweep over the slightly aged equipment, resting a hand on my back.

Humming myself, I start to reply only for my eyes to dart over at the dirt road ahead.

Baekhyun immediately takes notice, coming to a stop at the edge of the sidewalk. "What is it, hmm?"

I look up at the annoyingly buzzing light pole. "That flickering light-"

Baekhyun snaps his fingers, and the whole world goes black for a moment, then a dozen lights twinkle in the darkness. Fireflies lighting up the night under the shine of the full moon.

"Come on." His honey-smooth voice rings, softly squeezing my hand before leading the way. I rest my other hand on his arm and watch my every step, realizing we are climbing a hill with the deep slope brushing against the front of my heels. Grass crunches under our footsteps, crickets sing their late night songs of cheer, and then I see a peek of something bright as we near the top of the hill. I gasp, nearly tripping in my haste to get a closer look, my heartbeat skyrocketing when we reach the edge of the steep hill.

A stunning table seated for two sits in the middle of the plateau, with a cooler holding an unopened bottle of champagne. Dome-covered plates are set on the white table cloth and a few candles are lit on the table. Vanilla fragrance flutters in the gentle wind as I take in the dozens of lanterns hung up in the tree above. Brightening up the area surrounded by miles upon miles of other rolling hills without outshining the moon. I even spot the UN Village sign at the other side of the park; you can see everything from up here.

"Baekhyun…"

He smiles so brightly when I look at him. "Yes, my love?"

You mesmerizing little hopeless romantic. I can only press a kiss to his soft cheek, hugging him.

"Do you like it?"

"Yes," I mumble into the safety of his shoulder.

He rests his head on mine, hugging me to his chest. "Then why are you hiding, hmm?"

"I love it so much," I mutter, fully content to stay here for a few more minutes. "It's so pretty I have tears in my eyes. I can't believe you."

Baekhyun chuckles, rubbing my back so soothingly it takes all my strength to not melt further against him. The heavenly scent of vanilla once again meets my nose; we have a date waiting for us.

Slowly pulling away, I look into his sparkly brown eyes, smiling shyly before making my way over to the table. He's a step ahead of me in an instant, pulling out a chair for me while I giggle, hiding my adoring smile and red face behind my hand. God, my heart is racing so hard I swear it's threatening to jump out and run to him.

I give him a grateful smile, my skin buzzing under the familiarity of his gentle touch when he pushes me in, his citrus and cinnamon scent perfectly blending with the vanilla while he walks to take his own seat across from me.

Baekhyun sighs softly, tilting his head with a nearly playful smile. "Ready?"

Grinning a little, I tilt my head to the opposite side, relishing in the twinkles of amusement sparkling in his eyes. "Ready as I'll ever be."

He chuckles. "On three?"

I nod, gripping the handle on the top of the dome cover with another smile.

"One," He leans closer to his dome, mischief swirling in his brown eyes. "Two."

More than amused, I play along, butterflies fluttering in my stomach under his beaming smile.

"Three!"

I lift up the dome, setting it aside while taking in the food neatly arranged on the plate. It's a Korean cuisine that I haven't seen before, full of delectable vegetables and tender meat. Watching Baekhyun take his first bite has my mouth watering for two reasons. I carefully cut a slice of beef, closing my eyes when it melts on my tongue. Holy shit, who is the chef behind this? That person needs a raise.

"Kyungsoo made it," Baekhyun smiles, chuckling when I hum at my next bite. "I have to help him out next week though," He frowns, nearly pouting. "He doesn't like doing things last minute."

Recalling the whole ordeal for Jenny's birthday, I can't help but laugh. "I know," I smile, resting my chin in my palm.

Baekhyun smiles, his nose scrunching adorable while cutting another piece of meat.

Conversation flows naturally between us, as always. Baekhyun is just like that, an easy person to talk to, but it's much different than before. He hums a lot, resting his chin on his palm while gazing at me with adoring and attentive eyes, the tiniest of loving smiles on his face. If I wasn't wearing this expensive white dress, I'd lean over the table and kiss the hell out of him.

However, the mood changes slightly when we are nearly done. He keeps tapping his fingers on the table and his foot against the leg of his chair, clearing his throat with a worried expression on his face.

"Bae?" I call softly, tilting my head at his lack of response. Tired of the constant clink of his leather boot against the wooden chair, I nudge my foot against his. "Are you alright?"

He blinks, sitting up straight at once. "Yes, love." He clears his throat again, smiling shyly. "Wanna dance with me?"

"Dance?" I look around at the grassy nature and chirping wildlife, meeting his eyes again. "There isn't any music here, B."

He shakes his head, standing up. "Yes there is."

"I-" I go quiet when he takes my hand, resting it over his beating heart. Looking up into his imploring brown eyes, I start to understand. I nod, slowly standing up as well, following him over to the empty side of the hill.

Baekhyun lifts up our joined hands, interlocking our fingers together and resting his other one on the small of my back. I rest my free hand on his shoulder, gazing deeply into his brown pools of warmth. He makes the first move, slowly stepping forward while I take a step back. The crickets chirp louder with every movement we make, growing more confident by the minute.

Melting at the way his heart beats against mine, I look up at the stars, millions and billions of twinkling lights filling up the night sky. Meeting Baekhyun's gaze again, however, reminds me that not all the stars and planets combined can outshine the sparkling light in his warm brown eyes. He smiles softly as if hearing my thoughts, squeezing my hand before spinning me around, welcoming me right back into his loving arms.

I could spend forever like this, staring into his eyes and listening to his beating heart. Just the two of us while the rest of the world fades away, nothing but background noise to our undying love.

"Look," Baekhyun perks up, looking up at the stars. My eyes flicker up, widening at the shooting star streaking across the night sky. "Make a wish," He murmurs warmly, taking a step back.

Feeling a sense of hope and childlike urgency, I whip around to face the star head on. What should I wish for? The star is reaching the edge of the sky! Sensing Baekhyun's comforting figure behind me, I have all the answers I need.

I wish… Closing my eyes, I clasp my hands together, finding strength in the soft summer breeze. For a love like this, for all of eternity. The last few streaks of the star fade away when I open my eyes, smiling softly until I remember where I am and a certain someone who is with me. Where is Baekhyun? Stiffening up, I quickly spin around in alarm, slapping my hands over my mouth at the sight.

Baekhyun: on one knee, holding up a small jewelry box with shaky hands and vulnerable. "Why do you look so scared?" He breaks the ice, chuckling nervously.

"I thought you left," I blurt, snapping my mouth shut.

He laughs fully this time. "No." He shakes his head, smiling up at me with the sweetest of smiles. "I'm right here."

I take a deep breath, nodding slowly.

"I love you," He declares warmly, keeping his eyes steady on mine. "I love the way my name falls from your lips, the soft swell of your hips, the love in your fingertips." He smiles. "How your doe eyes go wide when you're surprised. The way you curl up next to me in your sleep when I'm working at night." A little grin forms on his face. "The shy expression you get when you ask if I want the rest of your food and that little song you always sing nonstop around the house when you're happy."

I cover my face in embarrassment, peeking at him from between my fingers.

Baekhyun chuckles, continuing, "I love the little notes you leave when you make me lunch. The way you squeak when I kiss right here." He taps the back of his right ear. "Your beautiful mind and all the mischief that comes with it..." He laughs a little. "The way you nag me when I don't dry my hair and yet always end up doing it for me anyway."

"Your sarcasm and loving touch," He murmurs, sparkles dancing bright in his eyes. "The dimples you try to hide when you smile." He cracks another grin. "Your quirky mismatched socks and way of talking." He laughs warmly when I groan, rethinking all my life choices. "How red your face gets when I compliment you." He hums. "Your loud, high pitched, raspy laugh that I know you hate but I simply adore."

"Oh my god," I cover my eyes, knowing how right he is and how hot my face feels right now.

"How sexy your accent is and how sassy you get when you're angry," He murmurs humorously, giving me a knowing look. "That high horse you climb on when you don't want to admit you are wrong that leaves me frustrated and amused at the same time." He chuckles, sighing softly, his voice taking on a gentler tone. "The look on your face when you cry that makes me want to hold you and hide you away from the world."

My heart squeezes as tears spring to my eyes. I sniffle softly, fanning my face while meeting his loving eyes.

"I love everything about you." He takes a shaky breath. "Not a day goes by where I'm not grateful for you coming into my life."

He looks down for a moment, blinking rapidly before flicking his hair out of his eyes. "I know I'm not much," He mumbles. "I-I know I've done so much shit in the past that you have every right to walk out on me for. I know that you deserve way better than me." He swallows thickly, lips trembling before he presses them into a thin line. "Even with all of this, I have some promises I want to make."

Baekhyun raises his head, reaching to take my hand in his. "I promise not to run away. I promise to communicate. I promise to stay by your side through every blessing and hardship you go through." My heart pounds at the determination in his words and sincerity in his shimmering eyes. "I may not be the perfect man for you." A hint of remorse sparks briefly in his brown eyes. "But I promise to love you with all that I have—with all that I am," He pauses, holding my hand securely in his. "Until my last dying breath… If I break any of these promises you have permission to kick me where the sun doesn't shine." He mumbles in a jokingly grumpy tone, smiling when I giggle.

"I promise to love you until the end of time." His voice starts to wobble, hands shaking while looking deep into my eyes. "Please," He opens the box, revealing a sparkly, rose gold ring with matching gems lining the sides. "Marry me, and be mine."

"Yes." I choke out, tears streaming down my face when I bend down to cup his tear-streaked cheeks in my hands. "Yes. Yes! A million times yes."

Baekhyun stands up, slipping the ring onto my ring finger with uttermost care. As soon as he's done, he pulls me close, sealing my lips in a searing kiss that I gladly let take my breath away.

Originally posted by exo-stentialism

"Unzip me?" I ask, peeking up at him from under my eyelashes.

Baekhyun hums and I spin around, chills going down my spine when his hands gently brush my hair out of the way, warm fingertips brushing over my cool skin. The instant relief of being free from the snug material has nothing on his quiet gasp as he slowly drags the zipper down. He steps back while I shrug off the dress, leaving it to pool at my feet before turning to face him.

His hair color looks out worldly under the favor of the moonlight; shining strands of silver and dark grey swaying with the summer breeze. The way the light reflects off his chains casts him in an eternal glow as he looks at me with those warm, brown eyes. The hints of adoration and need in those captivating orbs break me from my trance.

I take more steps until I'm standing in front of him, pushing his blazer off his shoulders and tilting my head to meet his awestruck gaze, my tone soft and warm, "Baekhyun."

He gulps, letting it fall to the floor while I rest my hand on his chest, placing the other on the back of his neck. The fast beating of his heart under my palm makes me smile before my lips press to his, savoring the taste of champagne on his tongue. I tighten my hold on him when he wraps his arms around my waist, backing me up to the bed.

I sit perched on the edge of the mattress, looking up at him when he pulls off his t-shirt, exposing lean muscle and honey-toned skin to my hungry eyes. I can't help rubbing down his chest and gazing at him from head to toe, smiling at the tint of pink to his cheeks. His leather pants join the scattered pile on the floor before he joins me on the bed, his gentle hands pulling off the rest of our clothes.

"You sure are being bashful tonight," I murmur, lightly tangling my fingers in his hair, relishing in how his warm body presses mine to the cool sheets.

Baekhyun smiles, pressing a chaste kiss to my collarbone. "Let's take things slow tonight." He meets my wide eyes with his adoring ones, pulling the covers over our bodies when I give a timid nod.

•⇔♦ •⇔♦ •⇔♦ •⇔♦ •⇔♦ •⇔♦ •

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3  P(1) P(2) | Part 4 P(1) P(2) | Part 5 P(1)  P(2) | Part 6 P(1)  P(2) —– P(3)  P(4) —– P(5)  P(6) | ♬♩♪♩ FINALE P(1)  P(2)✓

Cry with me

A/N: 

HA! Y'all thought I was going to break these two up forever. I still had the Un Village scene left!!! >:'D A lot has happened in this long asf Finale and you know, on one hand (me being me) I'm never satisfied with it, HOWEVER those last two scenes? Yeah, that's the best for me. :')

Okay I NEED TO RANT for 2 minutes. *inhale*

I have never, ever EVER had such a hard time writing a character. My perfectionism really popped out in Jackson's scenes, I swear. I tried writing about this man and it just didn't feel right because I don't know him as well. I legit spent almost a week watching Youtube videos, GOT7 music videos, JACKSON SOLO VIDEOS and fell down a rabbit hole of smut (typical smfh) just to figure out how to present him properly! I know writing is all about how you present your character and how you can make them different than the person you base them off of but holy f*ck I wanted him accurate and that accuracy kicked me in my nonexistent balls… so that up there was the final result *deep exhale*

After all of this I can safely say that Jackson is one of my favorite soloists and member of GOT7 bye-

-THE ACTUAL END NOTE WITHOUT THE RAMBLING-

We've finally made it, loves. Six Phases is completed. It's been 2 long years of writing this story. 2 years full of laughter, smiles, dance breaks, hardships and tears.

I'm writing this end note before I even finish the story that you've read above. I'm writing this little note while on hiatus. I'm writing this while in the process of working on this story so I can heal - because that is the very reason this story was created. For healing. For growth.

The Baekhyun character you all know, see, hate and love? His expressions of love are heavily influenced by IRL Jenny; my girlfriend; my heart. My coauthor; my other half.

Without her, I wouldn't know genuine happiness, vulnerability, or to know that someone can love you unconditionally. Flaws and all. Without her, I would have stopped at chapter 4 and disappeared from the writing world forever. She taught me that it is okay to be open, my loud annoying rambling self and that I deserve to follow my dreams. She has stopped me from deleting this story a hundred times. She is the reason why I opened my heart time and time again to truly let these characters' voices be heard. Their flaws and all.

Every character is a part of me, but Baekhyun and Jenny are inspired by her. I can't express how grateful I am to her without crying on you; I've cried enough happy tears while finishing this lmao SO just know that she has helped me a lot with completing this story, and for what I will write in the future.

Before I end this note that has gone on for too long already, I want to express my gratitude and love to everyone who has helped me continue and finish this story. Please don't feel bad if I don't mention you directly, I have warmth in my heart for everyone who has read Six Phases. You being here means the world to me.

Loving Mentions

Miss Kay - you seriously don't know how much you have restored my love for this story. I'll never forget the first time you reblogged SP on tumblr and your comment still brings tears to my eyes. I always thought this story was garbage and seeing how much you enjoyed reading it encouraged me to pick up where I left off. Thank you for everything <3 I can't thank you enough.

Miss Jamie - I always love reading your comments and the theories you had with each new chapter of the story. I'll never forget that Minute Man joke, I swear. I'm still laughing over it. Not to be giddy but I always look forward to your comments ^^ Thank you for always sharing your thoughts about the story with me <3

Sherlock Holmes Anon - dear, you and your THEORIES!!! I adore them all. I love all the knowledge you've brought to the table about the meaning of the colors in this story and its universe. You are amazing and everything you are studying is paying off!!! Wishing you all the best in your studies ^^ show those exams who's boss, they got nothing on you and your lovely brain <333333

My aff loves

Beau1996, alexajjang, byundipyun,

queeniexoxo, byunsugar, Taqdees,

juntar, Vish15, baeknhyu,

Baekie_18, Endzii22, ohyeahbb, Shawolgurl, bbhmystar.

- thank you for all of your lovely comments. Your words made me the happiest in the world. Every time I used to get those instant aff notifs on my phone, I'd run across my house to read them, ahhh~~~ I always love hearing from you <33333

My tumblr lovelies - thank you sooo much for all the love and interactions you've given to my story T-T I'm not tearing up, it's the cake batter in my eyes. You guys are amazing.

My beloved anon readers, tumblr and aff commenters - I'm sending you so many freaking hugs and tissues for the angst you've been exposed to XD hearing the hot tea and ideas you had for this story was such a joy. Thank you <3

I've spent hours a day replying back to you all, no joke. Every comment is precious to me and I always want to give back what you all have given me <333 I hope this story's ending was a happy one for you, I've had it planned since fall 2020 and I'm so happy to finally be able to share it with all of you.

Thank you, for interacting, commenting, subscribing, and upvoting. I appreciate all the love you've given this baby (haha) fic of mine more than you can ever imagine. This story is dedicated to all of you <3

-and oh, don't worry. This isn't the end of Baekhyun & Riley's story, this is only the beginning. <3

Thank you, can't wait to see you soon 0:) <3

~Love a million times over, Nisa

[cinnaminsvga]

a love that endures preview | Yoongi

→ summary:

“Oh come on! Just go say hi to him already,” Seokjin huffs. He wiggles his eyebrows irritatingly, striking you with the urge to shave them off in retaliation. “I could feel your ‘God, I miss his dick’ vibes from across the room!”

“I do not emit dick thirst vibes,” you respond hotly, swatting him in the tit. You pause, considering. “Wait, but do you think he misses my p—”

“Say no more,” Seokjin interrupts, a wicked smirk gracing his lips. His gaze is fixed somewhere behind you, but you have a sinking suspicion you know why he looks like he’s won the lottery. “Speaking of the devil, look who’s coming over to say hello!”

{or alternatively: Yoongi and Y/N. Y/N and Yoongi. High school sweethearts that were never meant to be, until a high school reunion ten years later manages to reignite a flame that never quite burnt out.}

→ genre: high school reunion!au, exes to lovers, fluff, humor, minor angst → warnings: shy!yoongi and shy!oc live rent free in my brain, mutual pining is poggers, hoseok and seokjin feature in this and they aren’t evil for once in a cinnaminsvga fic, vaguely implied smut but it’s pg-13 because i’m a wimp → words: anticipated 15K → a/n: are you ever, like, irritatingly aware of how in love you are with someone? because that’s me while writing this fic. this fic was supposed to be 6-7K in length since it was a commission, but then i kept writing and well... here we are!! i hope to get this out before the end of the year but i thought it’d be nice to release a preview just so you guys know i’m still alive. or whatever. anyway!! enjoy!!

After ten years of radio silence, Min Yoongi is in your orbit once again.

In the grand scheme of things, ten years wasn’t all that long. Four years in university had passed by in a blur, and the absolute chaos that ensued right after you graduated as you scrambled to secure a job and move out of your hometown had made the days seem shorter than they actually were. You had not even noticed that time was passing until you found that cream envelope waiting for you one day after work, your alma mater’s school crest painfully recognizable even after all these years.

During all that time, the world around you shifted without you noticing, and that meant people were changing too.

Yoongi is 28 now. And so are you, after many months of denial. You have not seen each other since you were both 18—both of you far too young to know about any of the things you would experience in the next ten years. He might have grown taller a little since then, something you are sure that your brother will find amusing. His hair is not dyed like you remembered, as he has opted to keep it his natural dark black that you have not seen since you were both in middle school. It is styled differently too: combed over and jelled back, with his bangs pushed back and his forehead on full display. When he turns his head to the side, a gasp spills past your lips before you can stop it.

“Is that a fucking undercut?” you mutter in shock, your eyes straining out of their sockets as you try to drink him in. Even under the dim lighting of the ballroom, his new haircut is hard to miss. No one else seems to be undergoing the same mental collapse as you, judging by how everyone’s attention is still fixated on the person speaking at the podium. How the hell is no one else losing their fucking minds to the sight of Min Yoongi with a fucking undercut? Some questions are impossible to answer, you surmise.

When you decided to attend the reunion, you had not once thought about how Yoongi would look like. Somehow, you had developed this stagnant picture of him in your head, even after all these years. To you, he will always be the boy with the stark blonde hair, the mismatched eyelids, the pouty lips, the dumpling cheeks. He is the boy who can’t wear his own contact lenses to save his life, the boy who sometimes wears his favorite leather jacket to sleep, the boy who only drinks Americanos like it was water.

Gone are those days, you realize. That image of him has been smashed to pieces, instead replaced by this dashing (and incredibly hot) man—a stranger. A stranger with unbleached (and healthy) hair, a jawline sharp enough to cut glass. He has his glasses kept away, and there is no leather jacket in sight.

But you can see him, if you look hard enough. The same spark in his eye, the same curve of his lips. You catch him smiling for a second, and his cheeks still puff up like dough. Maybe it’s just hopeless thinking, but you see him. It’s still him. To you, he will always be your 18 year old Min Yoongi, the one who would greet you with a sweet kiss on the forehead every time you would—

Raucous applause breaks you from your train of thought, and you blink rapidly in surprise. You have to forcibly pull yourself out of your Yoongi-induced trance, clapping alongside everyone without really knowing what was going on. All of the extra noise sounds like buzzing in your ears, especially when it is drowned out by the roar of your blood rushing to your head all at once.

“Once again, I’d like to thank you all for coming tonight. We will begin the program right after dinner, so please feel free to help yourselves to the buffet! Cheers everyone!” You faintly hear your old schoolmate speak, before her voice is quickly overrun by the commotion of people walking over to the extravagant display of food. It takes a moment for the crowd of heads to disperse, so when you can finally look back to where you last saw Yoongi, he is no longer alone.

Hoseok has his arm slung around Yoongi, his infectious laughter loud enough to be heard over clinking plates and silverware. The two look as different as night and day, with Hoseok practically bouncing from excitement and Yoongi rolling his eyes from annoyance. But it is easy to see that his pout is nothing but a ruse; you can already see the beginnings of a smile tugging at his lips.

You feel your own seams breaking, unwittingly sporting a grin of your own. It is nice to know that Yoongi hasn’t been alone all this time, that he still seems close with his old best friend. You cannot count the number of friendships that you have lost over time, and you still grieve many of them during your quiet moments. Alas, it was often never even anyone’s fault, the strains of adulthood often being the biggest dealbreakers in your relationships.

“Enjoying yourself? I didn’t think we’d share the same voyeuristic tendencies,” says a voice, creeping up behind you. Now, normal people would not usually expect other sane people to invade your personal space and breathe directly into your ear, but that’s just your humble opinion. What you do know is that one certain individual enjoys breaking the mold when it comes to societal norms, and it is none other than…

“Jesus fucking Christ!” You shriek, nearly suckerpunching the offending degenerate in the face. You barely hold back your fist from connecting with his face, but your resulting irritation remains. Whether that irritation is because you regret actually holding back or not will unfortunately also have to remain unanswered. “Oh God, it’s you.”

“Oh, no need for that. Most people usually call me Seokjin,” he snickers, thoroughly enjoying your flushed face. Kim Seokjin pats you on the shoulder, his trademark “pretty boy” smile still as radiant as you remembered. It does nothing to quell your urge to raise your fists again, however. “Hello, Y/N. Fancy seeing you here!”

“The feeling is not mutual,” you snort. Much like how Yoongi was with Hoseok, your derision is nothing but a rouse. As much as you want to kick Seokjin in the nuts, you also cannot ignore how much you want to hug him the slimy bastard—but you definitely will not be the first one to admit it. So like the tsundere that you are, you decide to insult him instead. “Don’t you have other things to do? Or rather, people to do?”

“My heart! You wound me,” he gasps, grasping his chest as though he’d been shot. “How could you say that to your best friend in the entire world? Don’t you know how much I missed you?”

“Easy. I do it because the only other alternative would lead me straight to prison,” you shrug, but the grin is forming fast on your face. This time, you don’t jolt away when he closes in for a hug. “And I guess I miss you too,” you say, your words slightly muffled into his chest. Like always, he sees through your prickly act because as much as you like to pretend, Kim Seokjin is kind of amazing—loose bolts and all.

“It’s nice to know that your tongue hasn’t lost its edge, though I suppose I wouldn’t be intimately knowledgeable in that area. After all, I still am very much a raging homosexual and pussy isn’t really my forte,” Seokjin guffaws, his volume causing a few nearby guests to raise their heads up in alarm. You bow at them, sheepishly apologizing on his behalf before grabbing him by the collar.

[holidaywishes]

then we‘ll start our life together

  Requested: 👍

  Summary/Request: Freddie starts to spend time with Jackson and keeps pressing to tell him the truth; the secret finally comes out to Fred’s parents; (Y/N) has to make a choice.

  Warning: fluff, maybe a tiny bit of angst but I wouldn’t count on it

  Author’s Note: Can I first say how much I love this GIF? He looks so fucking good, I can’t stand it. He’s smiling, he’s got scruff, the maroon/burgundy hat looks A-MA-ZING on him 🤤 Anyway, moving on. This is the last part of the request that @kayleafs221​​ sent me a while back that started as just a two-parter. We worked on part three together and I think it turned out really well but they really wanted the reader and Freddie together -- they just didn’t know how to write it. Enter: me! As much as I love writing angst, and as well as I think I can write it, I’m a hopeless romantic at heart so a happy ending is always in sight when I’m writing. It’s sort of a long chapter because of everything that needed to be fit in for it to be a happy ending without just... cutting to the happy ending. I hope you enjoy it! Stay Golden, my loves! <3!

  P.S. I'm sorry this took SO long to get out. I started writing it a bunch of times and then things happened around the house that took and held my attention. BUT I'M HERE NOW! It's snowing today when it was +20 yesterday and I've got a bunch of goodies to keep me focused on sitting down and writing. It's like being back in University writing my god damn thesis again 😂😂 ENJOY! By the way, this is the dress I was trying to describe, hopefully it came through!

  masterlist

  the other masterlist

xx

Freddie’s P.O.V

  When you found out Jackson was yours, you felt a lot of things. You were mad that you didn’t get to have those first six years, frustrated that (Y/N) didn’t reach out to you to at least tell you that he was yours, but you were also happy that you were able to see him grow up now. When she asked you if you wanted to finally meet Jackson, you nearly screamed over the phone; like a fangirl

  “Relax!” she laughed, “you can’t say anything. I just told him a friend of mine was in town and we were going to meet him for lunch. He doesn’t know anything okay? And you can’t let on about.. anything”

  “I know. I promise I won’t”

  “Oh another thing,” she added, “wear a hat”

  “A hat?” you scoffed

  “He’s a smart kid and if he sees that you’ve got red hair, he’ll figure it out”

  “Fine, I’ll wear a hat” you teased

  “Thank you.” You were sure that you’d be able to keep yourself together but you had downed two glasses of water before (Y/N) and Jackson even got to the restaurant. When the hostess brought them to the table, your eyes went wide when you saw the little strawberry blonde boy clutching the hand of his mother; a perfect mix of you and her

  “Hey,” (Y/N) greeted with a smile, “Jackson, this is Freddie. Freddie, this is Jackson, my son”

  “Hi Jackson” you smiled, standing up excitedly earning a glare from (Y/N) as the little boy hid behind her legs

  “Sweetheart, can you say hi to Freddie?” she asked

  “Hello” he whispered

  “It’s nice to meet you, little man”

  “Let’s sit down, huh?” (Y/N) smirked, directly Jackson and you back to the chairs, “who’s hungry?”

  “Me!” Jackson exclaimed, earning a laugh from you before you all scanned the menu. You could feel (Y/N) watching the two of you as Jackson started talking about his sports teams, going from Soccer to Baseball to Basketball in one breath, his excitement palpable

  “Have you ever wanted to try Hockey?” you asked

  “I don’t know how to skate” he mumbled

  “We live in California,” (Y/N) scoffed, “there’s not a lot of ice there”

  “There are always rinks” you added, catching her angry glare that you knew meant you were getting dangerously close to exposing the secret she’d tried so hard to keep. “I can always help you learn...”

  “No way! Really?!” he exclaimed, leading your eyes to catch (Y/N) biting her lip insecurely

  “Only if your mom is okay with it. And if it’s something you really want”

  “Mommy, please!” he begged, “it’s the only one I haven’t tried! I wanna try! He can help me, mama!”

  “How about we eat first and then we can figure all that stuff out later?” she laughed and Jackson nodded happily, sitting back in his seat. It wasn't long into the meal that Jackson continued to beg to learn how to skate with you and you could feel (Y/N) become more agitated with you

  "Hey, Jackson," you interrupted his excitement, "what's your favourite snack?"

  "Mmm..." he hummed as he contemplated his answer, "black licorice!" (Y/N) scoffed and shook her head before peeking up at you

  "I don't get it," she replied, "no one actually likes black licorice unless they're like a.. grandma or something"

  "I love black licorice!" you exclaimed

  "You do?!" Jackson asked and you nodded. "SEE MOM! I TOLD YOU I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE!"

  "I know you did, baby" she sighed before Jackson excused himself to go to the bathroom

  "He's so cute" you began to coo

  "You're the only other person I know who actually likes black licorice"

  "Should I not have said that?" you winced

  "I don't know... he could think it's just a miraculous coincidence"

  "Look," you smiled, "it's a Danish thing. We all eat black licorice like it's chocolate. Should we tell him that?"

  "I--" she started, stopping only when he came back, "Hey sweetie! everything go okay?"

  "Yeah, mom.." he sneered

  "One of these days I'm not gonna ask and you're gonna miss it" she joked

  "Yeah right," he scoffed. When you finished the meal, Jackson told you that they were heading downtown to go to the CN Tower before you left, "wanna come?"

  "I don't know... what does your mom think?" you smiled and turned your gaze to (Y/N)

  "Mom thinks it's fine"

  "AND THEN WE CAN GO SKATING!"

  "Jackson..." she sighed, shaking her head while the three of you walked through the streets and made your way downtown to the city’s major tourist attraction. The ride up to the top, to the observation deck, was silent as Jackson got as close to the window as he could to look out at the city, letting you and (Y/N) linger near each other with each passing second. "He likes you" she whispered

  "He's a great kid" you whispered back and she smiled

  "He really is"

  "MOM LOOK!" Jackson pointed out to the city and she walked to him, kneeling down behind him so he could show her what he was seeing. You so wanted to be part of it but you knew you had to wait for her to say that it was time; she looked back at you with a soft smile before dropping her head against her sons shoulder.

xx

  When you and Jackson got back to California, he had so many questions about Freddie

  “Why did we hang out with him all weekend?”

  “Did you date?”

  “Why is he so tall?”

  “Is he gonna teach me how to skate?”

  “When are we gonna see him again?”

  You had to take a deep breath to try to answer his questions, telling him that you two dated a long time ago, that you lost touch and that you might never see him again but that seeing him now was enough.

  “But is he gonna teach me how to skate?” he asked again and you chuckled

  “I can teach you how to skate...” you lied

  “He said he wanted to though!”

  “Jackson.. baby, we’re not close to him. Physically. We can find someone to teach yo—”

  “I WANT HIM TO TEACH ME!” he whined, forcing you to furrow your brow at him

  “Jackson!” you tried to sound stern but your surprise kept creeping in

  “I DON’T KNOW WHY HE CAN’T TEACH ME!!! I WANT HIM TO TEACH ME HOW TO SKATE!”

  “JACKSON CALEB (Y/L/N)!” you yelled, “DO NOT YELL AT ME!”

  “I WANT—”

  “ENOUGH!” you shouted, “you cannot whine and yell and throw a temper tantrum and expect to get what you want. If you really want to learn how to skate, we can find someone but do not try to force me to do exactly what you want” you watched the corners of his mouth shift into a frown before his eyes brimmed with tears. “Baby, I’m sorry. I love that you want him to teach you but he’s so busy and he’s so far away, we can’t do it as easily as you think...”

  “Can’t he come here?” he asked softly

  “Sure he can,” you added, lifting him up onto the couch so you could kneel in front of him, “but it won’t be every day. It would only be when he’s here for work and that means he might not have a lot of spare time...”

  “But if we take lessons here then he’ll be able to see my progress!”

  “Absolutely kiddo!”

  “AWESOME!” he exclaimed, jumping off the couch and running to his room. You were left a bit in shock at the conversation but you could feel the need for Jackson to have a father figure creeping closer and closer. When your phone rang, you slumped onto the couch and answered it

  “Hello” you sighed

  “(Y/N)!! Oh my god!” Amalie greeted happily from the other line

  “Amalie? Hi... what’s going on?”

  “I saw the pictures of your little boy! He looks so much like Freddie. How come you didn’t tell us?!”

  “Hold on... slow down, what are you talking about?”

  “Fred called mom and told her the good news. We’re so excited to have another Andersen!”

  “He told you? About Jackson?”

  “Jackson, oh I love that name!” she cooed

  “I’m sorry, what exactly did he say?” you asked, curious how much Freddie actually said

  “He just called mom gushing about how he spent the whole weekend with his son. When mom stopped screaming with excitement, he said that Jackson,” she giggled as she said his name, “is great at sports but he doesn’t know how to skate yet, which my dad was shocked about” she laughed. “Mom had him on speaker obviously, so we all heard as he was talking to her. He was so excited to tell us about him. But, (Y/N)... why did you keep him from us?”

  “What?”

  “Look, no one else seemed to catch on that he was your son and that you and Fred haven’t seen each other in 6 years? But I did and I don’t get it...”

  “Freddie got traded and he had to hop on a plane and forget everything in California. I didn’t find out I was pregnant for another two months after he left so it wasn’t like I intended to... I thought about reaching out to him so many times but his life was so public and I couldn’t imagine putting my son through all of that without a choice”

  “But he’s Freddie’s son too” she countered and you could only shake your head to yourself. You were tired of explaining this to everyone

  “I know but I needed to protect Jackson above everything. Look, Fred and I discussed all this and we’ve agreed to let him get to know Jackson slowly”

  “And he’s okay with that?” you scoffed

  “He’s a little hesitant, sure, but he agrees that this is what’s best”

  “I just don’t want my big brother to get... cheated out of more time with his son”

  “He won’t”

  “I don’t want him getting hurt”

  “Amalie, I appreciate all of this. Honest, I do, but my job is to protect my son and sometimes that means keeping secrets from people...”

  “I don’t know, that doesn���t seem right”

  “I,” you started, calming your tone as you were starting to get agitated, “I have to go, Amalie. Tell everyone I say hi and I’m sure I’ll be talking with you all soon”

  “Bye!” You were almost fuming at the thought that Freddie went behind your back and told his family about your son

  “Hello” Freddie greeted from the other line

  “WHAT THE HELL FREDDIE?!” you shouted

  “(Y/N), what’s wrong?” he replied, playing dumb

  “You told your family???? I thought we discussed this, Freddie!”

  “I told my — I was excited. It slipped, I’m sorry” you dropped your head to your free hand and shook your head

  "I don't even know what to say right now..."

  "I promise Jackson won't know anything until you're ready"

  "Glad to hear it," you scoffed, "look, just run some of these things by me first. I'm not a huge fan of surprises, I'd like to be prepared if I have to defend myself okay?"

  "I get it, I'm sorry. It won't happen again"

  "Thank you" you smiled to yourself before dropping the topic. His voice calmed you down enough for you to take a deep breath and he spent the next 20 minutes telling you how much fun he had with you and Jackson and how he missed you already; you laughed and told him how much Jackson was pestering you about learning to skate

  "I'm sorry" Freddie said

  "No no!" you smirked, "it's okay, he's so excited. It's adorable. He actually yelled at me when I told him you couldn't teach him"

  "Really?" he asked, a lightness in his tone that brought you back to how the two of you used to be

  "Yeah," you admitted, "he really likes you. I think it's actually gonna be really easy to tell him; honestly, I think he'll be happy about it"

  "I'm happy to hear that," he replied, "so when are we gonna tell him?"

  "Don't push your luck, Mr. Goaltender. It's still gonna take some time" you weren't sure how much time but you knew you weren't ready for the truth to come out yet, no matter how well they were getting along.

xx

Freddie's P.O.V

  After (Y/N) found out that you told your mom, who in turn alerted the entire family, that you had a son, you were sure she'd be too angry to let him spend any more time with you.

  "We finally found him a teacher," she said over the phone, informing you about Jackson's time on the ice, "he's a great guy. Really positive with Jackson, really encouraging. J seems like he's having a lot of fun -- he keeps saying he can't wait to go skating with you"

  "That's great!" you exclaimed, "when will you guys be in Toronto?"

  "We won't," she said simply

  "Oh... I don't understand?"

  "Fred, my job isn't like your job. I can't just fly off to Toronto with my son"

  "Even on the weekends?"

  "Yeah, even on the weekends" she scoffed

  "So, what then? How am I supposed to take him skating and see where he's at with everything? How am I supposed to get to know my son when I can't even see him?"

  "Come here," she blurted out, forcing you to keep silent and take a seat on your couch, "whenever your next game in California is, take some time and come see us. We can meet you somewhere, we'd make that work"

  "I don't think I'd have any free time..." you answered

  "Just tell us when you're in town and we'll make it work. Trust me, okay?" she said and you could hear her smile, "I have to go but I'll text you later"

  "Okay" you sighed as you hung up the phone. You thought about how exactly you could make this work, because you really wanted to make it work, but the schedule was packed; you couldn't see a time for you all to get together. You texted her when you were in L.A. and told her that you had some free time over the weekend if she was okay to meet you there and she was quick to agree. When the three of you finally met up, Jackson excitedly jumped onto the ice to show you his skills and you stood behind the glass with (Y/N) to watch him skate a little before either of you joined him. "Thank you for coming out here," you said and she nudged your shoulder before sitting down on the bench to put on her skates, "I'm serious. I know my schedule's always been a little crazy but I appreciate you at least giving me a chance"

  "You know I can't skate right?" she laughed and you realized that she was struggling to tighten her laces

  "Hold on, stop" you laughed, kneeling in front of her to help her

  "This is a disaster," she scoffed, "I probably should just let you guys skate without me"

  "No way that's happening," he smirked, "it's too late for that"

  "You sure no one is gonna find us here?"

  "I'm sure" you replied, looking up at her before clearing your throat and sitting back on the bench to put your skates on. Her arm grazed yours, eliciting a flush of heat from you

  "You have to tell him you're proud of him," she said, laying her head on your shoulder as she watched her son skate slowly across the ice and you looked at her. You kissed the top of her head and just sat there with her for a while

  "I will" you whispered finally, forcing her to take her head off your shoulder and her eyes met yours as she smiled

  "Good" she whispered, her eyes drifting down to your lips as if she was waiting for you to make a move

  "MOM! FREDDIE!" Jackson yelled, taking the two of you out of the moment you were having

  "And... saved by the kid" you joked, dropping your head, preparing yourself to get up but not before she laid a sweet kiss on your cheek.

xx

  “You know, my dad taught me and my brothers how to skate and how to play hockey,” Freddie explained to Jackson as he helped you up from where you fell, “it’s a family tradition”

  “It is?” Jackson’s little voice asked, leading you and Freddie to smile

  “It is!” he replied

  “So why are you teaching me? Where’s your family?” you dropped your head in defeat

  “Uh, well..” Freddie stammered, looking at you briefly before turning his attention back to the boy

  “Baby, why don’t you skate ahead. Fred’s just gonna keep me from falling but we’ll be right behind you” you said softly while you continued to grip onto Freddie’s arm so you didn’t fall

  “I think it’s time to tell him” he laughed

  “He’s gonna hate me” you admitted, revealing the reason you hadn’t wanted to tell him after all these years

  “He’s not gonna hate you. You’re his mom, he loves you” he scoffed, nudging you with his elbow and you had to clutch onto him so you didn’t fall

  “Freddie!” you exclaimed with a laugh, “ugh. I’m gonna die out here, I’m sure of it”

  “We don’t have to tell him here, we could go out for lunch or ice cream. Go to the malt shop at the beach, anything. I just think we should tell him”

  “What happens when we tell him? What if it never.. what if it just always sucks after that?”

  “I’ll be there with you. Every step of the way. I promise, I won’t leave again”

  “You can’t promise that. Your career pulls you everywhere...”

  “But I won’t ever leave you. You can come with me, I would love nothing more, actually” he stopped and turned to you, holding onto your arms. “Live with me, travel with me. Toronto isn’t by the Pacific Ocean and it’s not always sunny but it’s a great place to be”

  “I don’t know... we’d have to talk to his teachers and make sure we find a school, a good school, where he could start at the beginning. You know, not like in the middle of the year...”

  “We can make that happen” he tried

  “What about his friends?”

  “We’ll make sure they all keep in touch. (Y/N), I want this to work. I want to be part of his life and I’ve always wanted to be with you. You know that, right?” your eyes danced between his as you prepared to answer him before you were interrupted by Jackson calling you

  “We’re coming!” you called back and let Freddie pull you toward him, letting you go when Jackson fell onto his knees

  “Alright it’s okay buddy,” Freddie cooed as you slowly drifted toward them, “you hurt?”

  “No,” he said proudly, “but I fell...”

  “Yeah you did,” Freddie continued, “but that’s okay. Sometimes you fall but you got back up, that’s the important thing” you smiled as you heard the two boys talking, feeling a sudden rush of love you had long since forgotten. “Wanna take a break and get some food?”

  “YEAH!”

  “Mom?” Fred asked, outstretching his hand to you

  “I’ll do anything to get off this ice” you laughed. The three of you made your way to a retro-style Diner, complete with red vinyl booths, and waited to order some food; all the while, Jackson was glaring at Freddie, “Jackson!” you scolded, “it’s not polite to stare like that”

  “Why don’t you take your hat off? Is it like permently glued to your head?” he asked Freddie, tripping up on the word he’d heard you say on occasion, earning a scoff from you and a laugh from Freddie

  “No, it’s not glued to my head” Freddie replied

  “So you should take it off. Manners”

  “You’re right” he added with a smile

  “He’s right” you sighed, anticipating his reaction when he saw Freddie’s hair for the first time. As you expected, Jackson gasped when Freddie took off his hat, as if seeing another person with red hair was this miraculous thing — though you always thought there was more blonde than red to his shade.

  “Your hair is like mine” he smiled and all you could do was wait. How do I tell him? you thought to yourself, stealing glances from Freddie

  “You’ve got your moms hair”

  “She always said that my hair was hers and my dads put in a blender” he laughed

  “I did say that, didn’t I?” you chuckled

  “Mom, is Freddie my dad?” he asked, the words hanging in the air as you tried to catch your breath

  “Uhm,” you started, clearing your throat as you watched Jackson keep his head down and eyes on the table, “what makes you say that, sweetie?”

  “Is he?” he repeated

  "Well, buddy," Freddie started, looking at you before you nodded so he knew he could continue, "yeah. Yeah, I'm your dad..." You both waited for him to react but he just sat there in silence, still not raising his head to meet your eyes

  "Sweetheart?" you whispered, kneeling in front of him, "Jackson, can you look at me?"

  "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked quietly

  "She was just trying to protect you, Jackson" Freddie added, causing Jackson to quickly look up at him

  "You didn't know about me?" he asked again and you were finally able to see the tears roll down his sweet little cheeks

  "I--"

  "Why did you keep me from my daddy?!" Jackson yelled

  "Sweetheart, please, calm down" you tried but it was no use

  "NO!" he stepped back and kicking his chair in frustration, "everyone else gets a dad why not me?!"

  "Jackson!" Freddie tried when he noticed you had practically crumpled in your chair

  "NO!" Jackson repeated as he ran out of the diner

  "I'm so sorry everyone..." Freddie apologized to the group before you made your way outside

  "Jackson..." you whispered when you found him sitting on a bench a few feet from the diner

  "Go away" he cried

  "Baby, I know you're mad," you started, sitting down beside him before he moved away from you, "I loved Freddie, your dad, very much and he loved me the same. We met and, immediately, we clicked -- I always wanted to be around him, I missed him when he was gone and I didn't want him to ever leave when he got back. When he left, I was broken. Nothing really made sense anymore and I couldn't forgive him for leaving me like that. But then you came along and you became the most important thing in my life; you really changed everything" you smiled as he nestled into your side. "You deserve to have a dad, you deserve to know your dad, you're so much like him it's crazy" you chuckled before resting your cheek on Jackson's head. "Freddie's life is complicated. It's very busy but it's also very public; you don't have as much freedom to just... be a kid like you do with just me"

  "Is that why you didn't tell him?"

  "Sort of..." you replied, "I didn't think I'd ever see him again and my heart was so hurt but you are the most important thing in the world to me. I shouldn't have kept him a secret from you, I'm sorry"

  "So what now?" he asked

  "Well... I wanted to talk to you about something," you stammered, "Freddie and I have been getting close again, I still really love him. That kind of love is hard to forget, you’ll realize that one day, but he really wants to spend more time with you but his life is in Toronto..."

  "Yeah?" he said

  "Would you want to move there?" you asked, noticing him perk his head up

  "All of us would be together?" he asked

  "Yes and maybe you'll even get to meet Fred's family. Really get to learn the Andersen family traditions, the right way"

  "YES!" he exclaimed before hugging you tightly. "But mom?" he asked

  "Hmm?"

  "Can we call him dad?" you laughed at his question before nodding in response. You headed back inside to where Freddie was and Jackson jumped into the booth next to him

  "Whoa, hey there! So, I guess everything is okay now?" he laughed

  "We're gonna move to Toronto to live with you!"

  "You are?" he asked, looking at you for confirmation

  "Not right away," you corrected, "we have some stuff to sort out first but yes, eventually we'll be there with you. As a family" Freddie smiled in return at the idea of the three of you being a family

  “Perfect” he said and you couldn’t help yourself; that happy little grin on his face made it near impossible not to want to kiss him, so you leaned over your son and pressed your lips to his before your son tried to pushed the two of you apart

  “EW MOM, DAD, DON’T BE SO GROSS!” he whined and you smiled against Freddie’s lips

  “Dad?” he whispered and you could see the pride cover his face

  “Dad” you whispered back

  “I like the sound of that” he smiled, sitting back in the booth and bringing Jackson into his lap and for the first time in a long time, you could picture your life with Freddie and Jackson.

xx

2 Years Later

  “MY BABY BOY!” Charlotte greeted Jackson outside of the large, stone castle that you were to be marrying Freddie in a few hours

  “GRAMMA C!” he exclaimed, running to her so she could pick him up

  “Hey, Charlotte” you smiled, hugging her when she put down your son

  “Hi, sweetheart,” she said in your ear, “how are you feeling? You ready?”

  “Yeah..” you smiled to yourself, “I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life. Nothing has ever felt so right”

  “Why aren’t you upstairs?” she asked and you laughed

  “Jackson kept running around the castle and I didn’t want him to break anything so I told him that you were on your way and we should head out front to meet you,” you admitted, “so we came out here...”

  “It’s okay to be nervous,” she said, directing you back through the large wooden doors, “but he loves you and you love him and you’ve been waiting for this for a very long time. So have we” she laughed, guiding you back inside so you could get ready; draping your beautiful A-line Chiffon dress with a long train and a plunging neckline with a crystal encrusted v-neck back and buttons trailing your lower spine. You couldn’t help but spinning around to test the move-ability of the dress when Valdemar walked through the door

  “Oh sorry,” he stumbled nervously, “I didn’t mean to interrupt, I’ll ju--”

  “Valdemar, it’s alright,” you laughed, “come on in. I was just testing the dress”

  “You look beautiful” he cooed

  “Thank you” you replied

  “I was told to bring you this,” he said as he handed you an envelope, “it’s from Freddie” you chuckled when you finally looked at the envelope, seeing your soon-to-be husband’s handwriting

  “Thank you, Valdemar. Wait!” you said, stopping him before he left, “I have something for him to” you handed him your note and gave him a kiss on the cheek before he walked out of the room; leaving you in a separate part of the suite than your bridesmaids. As you read his note, all you could think was, I should’ve read this before I got my makeup done

  “Ready?” a voice asked you from across the room and you took a deep breath, turning to find Amalie standing by the door

  “I’m ready.” As you walked down the aisle, you noticed a smile glow brightly on his face and the same one was reciprocated on yours

  “We come now to the words Freddie and (Y/N) want to hear the most today,” the Officiant started, “the words that take them across the threshold from being engaged to being married. A marriage, as most of us understand it, is a voluntary and full commitment. It is made in the deepest sense to the exclusion of all others, and it is entered into with the desire and hope that it will last for life. Before you declare your vows to one another, I want to hear you confirm that it is indeed your intention to be married today. Frederik, do you come here freely and without reservation to give yourself to (Y/N) in marriage? If so, answer ‘I do.’”

  “I do” Freddie smiled and the Officiant continued

  “(Y/N), do you come here freely and without reservation to give yourself to Frederik in marriage? If so, answer ‘I do.’”

  “I do” you whispered back with a smile

  “Frederik and (Y/N), having heard that it is your intention to be married to each other, I now ask you to declare your marriage vows. Please face each other and hold hands,” the Officiant directed, “Frederik, please repeat after me… I, Frederik, take you, (Y/N) to be my wife”

  “I, Frederik, take you, (Y/N) to be my wife” he repeated

  “I will share my life with yours and build our dreams together” the Officiant continued

  “I will share my life with yours and build our dreams together”

  “Support you through times of trouble and rejoice with you in times of happiness”

  “Support you through times of trouble and rejoice with you in times of happiness”

  “I promise to give you respect, love and loyalty”

  “I promise to give you respect, love and loyalty”

  “This commitment is made in love, kept in faith, lived in hope and made new every day of our lives“

  “This commitment is made in love, kept in faith, lived in hope, and made new every day of our lives.” It was then your turn to repeat the same vows and then continued with the ring exchange until it was finally time to announce your new relationship

  “I am pleased to present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Andersen!” you smiled before you opened your mouth in surprise and turning to Freddie

  “We’re married!” you replied

  “We are” he returned as the two of you made your way back down the aisle into the castle. The reception was everything you didn’t know you wanted and Freddie got all of his Danish traditions that the two of you had discussed during all the months of planning and it was perfect. You danced all night, you drank too much and sang call and response songs with the guests, you spent most of the night in a pair of fuzzy slippers that Freddie surprised you with and you made sure to get as many pictures with everyone as possible; but the most important thing to you was that Jackson and Freddie were by your side

  “My two beautiful boys. My lovely men. I love you both so much. SO MUCH!” you drunkenly slurred as you kissed each of their cheeks

  “I think it’s time you get some water” Freddie smirked

  “That sounds good”

  “Mom?” Jackson asked as Freddie made his way to the bar to grab you a glass

  “Yeah?” you asked, moving his soft hair behind his ear

  “What happens now?”

  “You really like that question, don’t you?” you laughed, just as Freddie returned with an almost overflowing glass of water

  “Here you go, Elske” he said and kissed your forehead before taking his seat next to you

  “Thank you, husband” you cooed, leaning in for a kiss

  “You’re welcome, wife” he smiled before kissing you softly

  “Baby, to answer your question,” you turned your attention back to Jackson, “what happens now is that we start our life together. As our own little unit, our little family. We’ll go on adventures, you’ll go to more games and we’ll all celebrate the wins together and cope with the losses together. It doesn’t matter because we’ll all be together”

  “Does that sound good?” Freddie asked and Jackson nodded. You directed them out onto the dance floor for one final dance before Charlotte and Ernst had agreed to take Jackson upstairs so he could get some sleep. Guests started to make their way to you to say goodbye and, before long, it was just you and Freddie left alone in the ballroom

  “Hey,” you whispered as his fingers traced along your thigh, “wanna dance?”

  “Yeah” he whispered back before bringing your face to his, kissing you slowly but intensely. You tucked yourself close to his body, letting his heartbeat guide your movements before you were left alone in silence, not realizing everyone had cleared out. “Can you believe that we get to spend the night in a castle?”

  “Can you believe we’re married?” you giggled, your head still resting on his chest

  “I can,” he admitted with a laughed, “I just can’t believe it took us this long”

  “Good things come to those who wait” you teased

  “Yes they do”

  “I love you, husband”

  “I love you, too, wife.”

[skaldish]

Hello, i wrote some asks last year about how to get started on practise and you helped me lots with the resources you offer!

I also bought your WAP shirt and its one of my favorites, it always makes me grin and feel fuzzy (in the sense of both a warm fuzzy feeling and a fuzzy feeling like a swarm of bees hiding under my skin).

Not really an ask but i just wanted to share my joy with you because you have been such a great help and this is my way of saying thanks!

I often feel Loki the strongest when drawing and plotting and for a while i felt inhibited by some of the more chaotic vibes he gave off at first. I’ve come to love those spouts of „Hey so how about this batshit thing i came up with?“ It gets strongest when drawing a certain character who i think now was Loki in disguise. Its one of my oldest OCs and he‘s my dearly beloved bastard child. Rattiest bastard boy (most affectionate). Loki doesnt always pop up when drawing him, but chances are higher when i do, i think he feels the love. Another way to spend time with him i found is dedicating my drawing sessions to him, maybe even trying to draw him. Its adorable in a way that doesnt infantilize him if that makes sense. Like looking at a loved person doing something dumb but oh so endearing. I love him.

What i wanted to say though is, while Loki likes to visit when im drawing i am starting to feel Odins presence more clearly when i write, which, yay! I think Odin coming over more also has a lot to do with me shaking off shame about my being curious as fuck. I always wanted to know things. The world, its inner workings, people, everything. I want to know it all. But i have been made to feel bad about this most of my life and that flame of passion was reduced to embers for a while so now that its coming back i do sometimes feel a pat on my back, like a silent I‘m proud of you that makes me feel so light and seen.

I asked Odin to aid me with getting my ADHD diagnosis, because at that point I had tried unsuccessfully to get it for two years. Fast forward six (6) (!) months and i have a diagnosis for ADD, so of course i had to say thanks. My trying to overcome the shame of being told over and over again that im too curious for my own good and that im a failure must have made him soften up, it feels like hes guiding me back to my roots by helping me get the diagnosis that makes it possible for me to see my intrinsic worth again. Im not a failure, just someone with a condition no one knew i had for 30 years. Its not that i dont know how to human, i can human, and excell at that, but not by imitating a conventional path but by making my own path, by getting back to the state of constant wonder and curiosity and giving in to the urge to learn and find as much knowledge as possible, by not taking knowledge how its presented but by experimenting, by asking questions myself and not digest what others have chewed and i think those are things i got the pats on my back for, for trying to find my way back to myself.

Growing up catholic hurt. Even though nothing was ever directly done to me the things i was taught, the things i discovered about the roman catholic church just didn‘t sit right with me and it hurt. So bad. The world view presented just seemed so dire. Add to that that i never felt close to all this, didnt see myself anywhere there. It felt weird hearing others say they can feel their god, because i had never felt anything like it and it seemed somewhat delusional, i just couldnt grasp the How. Enter the norse Gods lmao. The first time i felt Thor i was like, motherfuck, so thats how its supposed to feel?! Asking him for company when i feel hopeless and ACTUALLY feeling his presence shortly after?! Asking Loki to come visit and FEELING HIM THERE?! Inviting Odin and promptly getting deep into the writing zone with some galaxy brain thoughts out of seemingly nowhere?! All while nudging me to be more me and encouraging that which i was told was sinful at church? As someone who wished for spirituality early on because i just felt there was something more but couldnt find it anywhere near church and in turn feeling a weird void in a part of my life then meeting the norse gods was like rehabilitation. I can feel myself heal when they visit. This feeling is so precious.

I can feel them guide me more and more and the more i shake off what hurt me the clearer their presence grows, its fucking crazy and im all here for it.

Its also crazy how distinct they all feel. Well, mostly, sometimes discerning if i feel Odin or Loki is harder but for the most part they want to be told apart. Sometimes it because they decided to visit simultaneously.

Thank you for pointing me to (your) resources, you gifted me a lot of tools to forge my own way. Im having the best time because of it and i just wanted to share with you the joy and the love i found on paths of my own making, with tools and tips you among others lend me. In that vein: i love the way you give help without making rules and that this is something you take seriously. Last year i had hoped for a more detailed guide and now i see it was exactly as clear as its supposed to be: fucking vague :D and for each person to figure out themself. Its hard, but its necessary, with a handy guide i dont think i could have realized how deeply the urge to Know has been overshadowed by shame and guilt and i dont think i would have been able to tackle it if i had gotten a play-by-play (which reminds me too much of christian doctrine anyway, so away with it lol). if you only follow a list you dont have to think for yourself and thats what, ultimately, matters. Doing your own work, working on yourself, working on your relationships be it the spiritual ones or the personal ones, being present.

Long story short, i love my Gods so much. They only add to my life and they encourage me being unapologetically me and in turn make me love Life more. Be it in the people, in nature or within myself. I finally feel like i can be human without feeling unworthy of godly love. I am loved. And in return i can love even more freely than before.

Thank you and im sorry for this wall of text I’D

I'm so happy to hear you're finding your rhythm and having a good time! It brings me so much joy. <3

[lindsayrises]

Oh.

My.

God.

I have never felt more seen.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in December 2019.

I've been on medication for it since then.

Yesterday, after a week of being ridiculously unproductive at work, I was desperate for any tips or strategies to get more done.

I found a podcast on ADHD. I listened to 2 episodes while driving/running errands.

Oh.

My.

Fucking.

God.

I was nearly in tears.

EVERYTHING that was said is me.

I have FOREVER been cruel to myself, telling myself (and believing) I do (or don't do) things because:

*I'm lazy.

I'm stupid.

I'm unmotivated.

I'm not dedicated enough.

I must not care enough.

I lack will power.

*I never follow through with things/am unable to follow through with things. (I am particularly sensitive about this one. Something was said to me about this literally YEARS ago and I still get an uncomfortable feeling thinking about it and get emotional talking about it. I can think of 2 other instances where comments have been made to me about this - one recently, one years ago. I am SOOOOOOOOOOO insecure about this.)

(*these 2 are frequent topics in therapy.)

Seriously. Then when I struggle to get things things done, I beat myself up and feel like a huge failure. Rinse and repeat.

I always just thought, "I guess the medication must be working...maybe???". I never considered that there could be a change/improvement BECAUSE I THOUGHT "THIS IS JUST WHO I AM...I'll be like this forever. Past behavior habits prove it. It's hopeless. I'm hopeless to even work on. I'll never change."

I cannot tell how many things I've tried to do better...to be better. I have shelves of books I've bought - thinking, "maybe this one will help!". I can think of exactly 3 books that I've actually finished. Yes. Three. Planners and calendars? I buy a new one at least every 6 months. I use it for a few days and then stop.

It had gotten to the point where I thought, "Why bother even trying? Nothing sticks. Nothing works. And then I feel shitty for failing yet again."

I can't count how many times in the past 3 months I've thought, "Why do I even keep trying? I must not want to change badly enough. There is just something wrong with me. I'm done trying. This is me. This is my life. Deal with it."

So, I'm not (insert all of those negative things and more that I didn't list)??? It's just my fucking brain?

I actually feel hopeful...that maybe things don't have to be like this.

I would like to note that, no, I do not use podcasts and internet things as medical advice.

But wow. It all makes sense now...

Impulsivity (food and shopping)

Forgetfulness

Hyperfocusing

Easily distracted

Difficulty getting started

Feeling paralyzed because I'm overwhelmed

Rejection sensitivity

Noise sensitivity

Difficulty with grocery shopping, meal planning, meal prep, basically any part of the cooking proxy.

HAVING AMAZING PLANS THAT I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT BUT ABANDON SHORTLY AFTER STARTING (I'm looking at you, millions of "get healthy" plans and attempts). *****I cannot emphasize this one enough.

I have frequently thought, "I have so much I need to work on and improve about myself. Where do I even start?" and beat myself up about this, too.

I will sit in my classroom...terrified that someone will come in at any minute and see that I'm not working on something... haven't been working on anything...am close to tears because I'm so angry, frustrated, ashamed, and embarrassed because of this.

It.

All.

Makes.

Sense.

Yes, I will talk to my doctor.

But wow. How did I not realize that all of these things are connected??? Would/Could my anxiety and depression get (a little) better if ADHD was less of an issue?

This whole time I've been thinking that these things that I struggle with are because there is something seriously wrong with me...that these things make me a bad person and leave me constantly hustling for worthiness. But there's an explanation for ALL OF IT? And things don't have to stay this way - things don't have to be and won't always be so hard and miserable?!?!?!

Thank God.

Edit: I have to laugh. I've been up since 3:00 am. It is 6:00 and I'm just getting ready to go to work. What have I been doing the last 3 hours? Writing this. Reading about ADHD. Coming back to this and adding something new I just thought about/made a connection to, going to do something, coming back and adding something else to this, start and stop at least 5 different songs or podcasts on Spotify, and repeat. Oh, and mindless scrolling/checking of FB/IG/Tumblr. And looking at the clock - if it's 4:41 saying, "ok I'll get off my phone/stop doing what I'm doing at 4:45.". Loses track of time. Checks time. "Oh, now it's 4:47. I might as well just wait until 5:00.". This is me all the fucking time. I know it's illogical, but this is my life.

[fandomtransmandom]

2020 Wrapped:

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5-8 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome work!

Okay, so as you know, ya boi is verbose af, so apologies, but I could only whittle it down to a top 10 (and one honorable mention.) I like to think my work has improved with time, so the older ones may be a bit rough, but here are my favs from 2020 and why (from most recent to oldest.)  

1.) Southern Comfort-Bill Hader, Teddy Redbones (Doc Now)/OFC

Synopsis: Teddy Redbones viciously despises his political opponent Savannah Harrison...by day. At night, the two tear into each other madly, hiding their secret affair from the world and their feelings from one another.

Why I Love: Honestly when @martymcdie88mph sent me a request that just asked for ‘Teddy Redbones laying down pipe’ I never expected the first fic about him to get the response it did, much less for it to lead to two more requests. It’s provided me with immeasurable laughter and I’m so glad there are others out there down to bone this angry southern dom.

2.) Frozen Dreams-Conan O’Brien/OFC

Synopsis: Receiving bad news while on their Christmas vacation at the height of ‘The Tonight Show’ upset, Conan deals with his grief, assisted by his partner, Molly.

Why I Love: Writing some Conan super angst was so cathartic and beautiful. Thank you @stunninconan for making this request and giving me the opportunity to do so. Just want to cherish our ginger smokeshow and let him know how deeply he’s loved.

3.) Flickering Beauty-Bill Hader, Little Vivvy (Doc Now)/Partners of Multiple Genders

Synopsis: Little Vivvy is away from her family, and her wealth, for the first time in 1970’s New York. As she tries to make it as a dancer, Vivvy undergoes the early stages of her transition and stumbles upon the accepting Ball scene, as well as some struggles of being a trans woman trying to live an authentic life.

Why I Love: I wrote this piece for NaNoWriMo 2020 and I knew going into it I would largely be composing it for myself. Beforehand I considered doing something that might draw in more readers, Reddie perhaps, but I'm so glad I went with my heart because this story is incredibly meaningful to me and I will love Vivvy until the end of my days.

4.) Breathe Me-Bill Hader, Barry/OFC

Synopsis: Barry is back in Cleveland after his discharge, working for Fuches, deeply depressed and feeling hopeless. After running into his childhood friend Annie, he discovers she’s doing sex work and offers to help her financially. But Annie refuses, saying there’s only one way she’ll accept payment from Barry.

Why I Love: One of many ideas I’ve worked on this year with @martymcdie88mph, though arguably our best. I received a lot of positive feedback on this piece that made me feel good about myself, and I simply love the dynamic between these two hurting characters.

5.) Lost and Found-Bill Hader, Reddie

Synopsis: When Richie loses the engagement ring he bought for Eddie, he panics, searching everywhere but finding nothing. Coming across the ring while cleaning, Eddie devises a plan to surprise Richie.

Why I Love: This one was based on a prompt from @halefirewarrior and I just think it’s cute and sweet. And it’s resulted in a dozen or so strangers on the internet telling me to ‘shut the fuck up,’ which is always amusing.

6.) Harmonious Monsters-Bill Hader, Vince Blight/OFC

Synopsis: Sociopathic power couple Vince and Stacy Blight live a hedonistic, extravagant existence based on kinky sex and a mutual disregard for humanity. As their ten year anniversary approaches, Vince reflects on the saga of their relationship.

Why I Love: Pretty sure this one appeals just to me, ha. I had a ball writing it. Getting into the heads of these characters was ridiculously fun and smut-wise it includes some of my favorite things.

7.) In The Midnight Hour-Bill Hader RPF, Priest AU

Synopsis: When Father Bill Hader sees a struggling trans man named Troy attending the weekly free meal offered by the church, he discovers Troy is homeless, offering him a place to stay in the basement. As they get to know one another, Troy tempts Bill and tests his faith in ways he never thought possible.

Why I Love: Writing this one for @phantomofthegallifreyanopera was cathartic for me. As a queer trans man who was trapped in a fundamental Christian community for a time, it felt like sweet vengeance to be able to flex my Biblical Studies degree for the sake of gay p*rn (trust me, it’s completely useless otherwise) and it was fun to see Father Bill teased into sin 😈

8.) Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger-Bill Hader, The Alan (SNL)/OFC

Synopsis: When Lily comes home to find The Alan on her doorstep, she can’t imagine why her friend got her such a silly, extravagant gift. That is, until she discovers the Adult Expansion Pack.

Why I Love: I was nervous about publishing this one and almost didn’t. I truly didn’t think y’all would be on board. But thank fuck everyone in this fandom is kinky as shit and this became one of the fics for which I get praised the most. I loved writing it and I’m so here for cranking out more weird shit all day every day.

9.) If The World Was Ending-Bill Hader, Barry/OFC

Synopsis: Barry knows that tomorrow he is likely to die, the Chechens seeking vengeance for the massacre at the monastery. For his last night, he wants nothing more than to spend it with Valerie. The problem: Valerie and Barry broke up months before when she discovered his true profession. Barry begs Valerie to see him, and for one final time, he finds solace in her arms.

Why I Love: When @erdankely gave me their concept for this request, I was unreasonably excited. So damn cool. And I just sobbed while I wrote it. Such a sl*t for Barry super angst any day of the week. Love this one and I’m pretty proud of how it turned out, actually.

10.) Miles Apart Inside-Bill Hader, Robbie Wheadlan (Doc Now)/OFC

Synopsis: While he’s awaiting trial for murder, Robbie Wheadlan and his lover Abbi reflect on the saga of their relationship.

Why I Love: Not only was this a piece that made me fall hardcore in love with a murderer who was on screen for maybe 15 minutes and has no redeemable attributes, but it strengthened my friendship with @stunninconan and for that I am grateful.

Honorable Mention: Later That Night- Conan O’Brien/OFC

Synopsis: Conan meets author Gwendolyn who comes on his show to promote her book.

Why I Love: This is the first fic I published back in July. I’m sure I would cringe like crazy if I tried to read it now at all the edits it needs, but I’m so, so happy I decided to post it and kept writing and sharing. Without this almost 48k monster about my orange pompadoured beloved and all the kind feedback from everyone, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Thank you all!

And I spend my days doing nothing other than hammering out alphabet p*rn of my own, so I apologize that I don't know who to tag to keep this going because I shamefully never take time to read. But feel free to do your own if you have creations you would like to share!i

[tundrainafrica]

Title: A Rough Day

Summary: It should have been apparent to Hange by the weight gain and the sudden lack of red days. Somehow, Levi noticed it first.

Link to cross-postings: AO3 

Notes:  Thought about this idea because of the headcanon from @faerielleart‘s blog and had to get it written out. Just some fluff and domestication for our favorite pairing.

It felt like the war against Marley happened centuries ago.

Levi was sure though that it had only been two years since they had signed the peace treaty with Marley ending the war and the reign of the titans. He was present in the signing of the treaty after all.  

With the fall of the titans, the survey corps was declared redundant. The military shifted to defence against possible invasions by humans. There was no need for Paradis to rely on the soldier dubbed humanity’s strongest. Having seen enough war, bloodshed and loss to last a lifetime, Levi eventually decided to shift his focus towards more mundane things like entrepreneurship, marriage and maybe a family.

The only person he could have ever wanted to spend his whole life with had other dreams. The end of the war had opened up a new age for technological advancement and trade and the person heading it all was the former survey commander, Hange Zoe. The mad scientist could finally channel her genius and enthusiasm towards a new type of research to improve the lives of the people in Paradis.

Somehow, they managed to make it work.

There was no wedding, flowers, invitation or cake. There was just an unspoken agreement between them. They had originally lived in the same barracks and with the dissolution of the survey corps, it felt almost natural  to move to a small flat near the center of Paradis, of what used to be Wall Sina. Their daily life together began soon after they settled in. Hange was gone by 5am and back in their flat by 9pm all week. Levi found happiness in keeping the house clean, cooking and catching up on all the sleep he had lost the past forty years of his life. When he ran out of tasks to do in the house, he found himself doing research on different types of tea as knew shipments came in from different parts of the world and experimenting on different mixes in the kitchen.

The two were following their own dreams and had pursued different things and this left little to no time for Levi and Hange to process the relationship between them. They were both the only survivors of more than a decade of fighting what seemed like a hopeless war. That history was enough to forge an unbreakable bond between the two. When they were together, they made the most of it.  Nights together were intimate. Weekends together were comfortable. It was as if Levi and Hange were making up for all the comfort and happiness that they were deprived of the past decade.

The domestic lifestyle they have built together had also made Levi more familiar with the workings of a woman’s body. Levi grew up with his mother and was aware that women bled once a month. It was not something he occupied himself with in the barracks since it was the responsibility of the women to keep themselves clean. With Hange gone for 12 to 16 hours a day, it suddenly became Levi’s responsibility to clean blood off sheets and clothes on top of cleaning the house. The blood took hours to scrub off, even with the new chemicals and products coming into Paradis, it became the bane of Levi’s clean freak existence. That was until it stopped. Levi didn’t think too much of it at first. It meant one less job for him and Hange probably had a good explanation for it right?

A few months passed and Levi started to notice that Hange was getting chubbier. She was notably eating more, waking up later than she used to and coming home earlier. Levi didn’t complain. They were all welcome developments. It meant more time for the two of them and less blood to clean up.

“Sometimes, I just feel sick. Maybe I’m just working too hard.” Hange replied groggily when Levi prodded on these recent changes in their everyday schedule.

Levi raised one eyebrow. “Okay. Just don’t overwork yourself.” Like all days, Hange left for work while Levi went about his own chores for the day.

Those days, Levi found himself more invested as usual in his tea mixings. The diplomatic agreements gave rise to more and more new types of tea leaves and Levi was starting to get more creative and ambitious. He started to boil this new import called coffee beans with different types of tea leaves. The flowery aroma of some teas definitely did not mix with the bitterness of the coffee and as soon as Levi tasted them, he ended up setting them aside in the rejection pile.  

The price of the tea leaves and coffee beans though and the trauma of having to deal with the scarcity of this commodity years ago forever stuck to Levi though and the latter ended up lining them up on the kitchen table trying to find a way to consume while at the same time enjoy his failed concoctions.

Levi only had a few seconds to ponder the fate of the failed concoctions before Hange came in.

Maybe we could just eat out.  Levi remembered that he hadn’t prepared anything for dinner.

“Ahhh. Thank god you made some tea. Today was exhausting. I’ve been telling them to test that new contraption before...” Hange trailed off as she consumed the three cups of tea Levi had deemed failures in the leaf and bean mixing process. Her face quickly changed from pure exhaustion to excitement. “These are amazing Levi! Will you be selling these? Can you make more tomorrow?”

Levi stood frozen for a second, too surprised at how quickly Hange had consumed all three cups in front of them. “Sure.” He managed a nod as he gathered the three cups from the table and brought them to the sink. “About dinner…” Levi looked back only to find that Hange had retired to the bedroom. He at least had some time to wash the cups and cook dinner.

By the time he did cook dinner and call Hange from the room, the latter was dead asleep, sprawled all over the bed with no space for Levi to comfortably slip in. She was sleeping belly up and Levi only noticed that her belly was starting to form a small hill. She couldn’t be… Levi carefully placed his hand on her belly, only to be grabbed violently by the wrist.

“What the fuck Levi! I’m trying to sleep.” She pushed his wrist away and rolled to the side, her back facing him, falling asleep again almost instantly.

Levi held his aching wrist and walked back to the kitchen to clean out the rest of the tea cups he used in his mixing experiments, a little shaken by Hange’s reaction to his prodding. Maybe she just had a rough day.

                                            Rough Day    

Two months passed with no red days and a constantly drowsy and cranky Hange and Levi was sure that type of weight gain was not natural. All the weight had concentrated towards Hange’s belly and she was starting to have trouble walking.

“I really should watch what I’m eating. I’ve just been eating away my stress the past few weeks and people have been making fun of my weight gain, telling me to see a doctor. They’re even fucking asking me how many months in I am! I know I’ve been eating a lot but I’m really trying. Besides, I don’t even think we should be making jokes when we have to deal with the fact the port extension has to be opened next month to make way for new deliveries…”

Levi rested his chin on his hand and tuned out the fifth rant of Hange that week. He was 90% sure his theory was correct but Hange had not given him any opening to discuss it the past two months. How does he bring that up without pissing her off? More importantly, how the fuck does she not notice?

“Maybe you should take a break then?” Levi suggested half heartedly.

“What? Why? With so many things happening next month…. You can't expect me to…"

Levi once again tuned Hange out and focused instead on her belly. Hange was still trying to squeeze into her pants like she was fifteen pounds lighter and Levi was starting to worry about both of their bodies. "Maybe you should see a doctor?"

"Are you even listening to me? I was asking for your opinion on the new military gear!"

"So what I'm getting here is you don't have the time to see a doctor?"

                                             Rough Day

Levi took matters into his own hands.

His first stop was the doctor's office. He knew he couldn't bring Hange in for a consult but all he wanted was to at least confirm his suspicions. The doctor only had to explain the lack of red days for Levi to be completely sure that the four he had gotten from the two on two he had put together was the correct answer. The crankiness, the fatigue and the morning sickness were only secondary evidence to the lack of red days and the apparent weight gain.

"So she shouldn't be working anymore should she."

"I would recommend she takes a leave for the next 6 months at least."

Levi thought for a second. "Why don't you get that in writing…"

The next few steps after that were easy. Hange may be in a high position in Paradise but Levi still had contact with one of the few people who could make sure Hange didn't show up for work. The child-loving, good-natured Queen Historia did not need any more convincing.

"Oh, I guess it looks like you're trapped at home then. Maybe you should spend the next six months resting." Levi said, feigning surprise at the letter from the queen he himself brought home.

"Indefinite leave for the next six months? What the fuck Levi you can't expect me to just sit around? Why the hell would you do this? And work today was so eventful… I was excited to test out the new cargo carrier…"

"Other people can take over the work."

"But can they really oversee everything. There's a lot going on and this is a really important time… I don't have the time to be sitting around."

"Maybe if you just---"

Hange grabs the envelope from Levi's hand and scans through it. " Wait Levi what the fuck. This wasn't sent here there's no return address. YOU filed for my leave?"

Levi shrugged. "What if they just gave it to me to give to you?"

"All official documents have to be coursed through me Levi. How the fuck could you do this. There's so much to be done. Just thinking about everything which is gonna be waiting for me after 6 months. What if the others don't handle the work right? What if they mishandle the new carrier and we lose thousands worth of products? Are you considering this?" Hange roughly grabbed the letter from Levi, almost tearing it in the process. "I'm appealing this."

"You must be shitting me Hange. You really don't get it do you?"

"The office should still be open." Hange said, not looking back.

It has been years since Levi's last military training but he was relieved to know he still had the agility to outrun an angry (but pregnant) Hange to the door. He locked the door behind him from the inside. "You're not getting out of here shitty glasses."

"You don't let me out and I swear I'm gonna break down the door while you're sleeping."

"Then I won't sleep."

"I'll break out through the windows then!"  

Levi rushed to grab Hange from behind as soon as she turned her back. He was careful not to squeeze her swollen belly  "If this were any other day, I probably would have let you get away with whatever bullshit you wanna do but I'm not letting you jeopardize what could be our future child shitty four eyes"

"You're not making any good arguments here!" Hange continued to struggle. "Stop holding me back!" In frustration, Hange shifted her weight towards her back, utilizing her size advantage to push the smaller man behind her.

Levi fell to the floor and let out a grunt of pain. "How dense can you fucking be? You're six months pregnant you dumb shit."