#the kind of slur that upsets me and not other internet people

[bitegore]

mfs call me dragonfruit cuz im a gay ass little scalie

[wroteclassicaly]

All these people in the gator and fargo tag complaining of people thirsting over gator, calling him a nazi and how dare people find the humanity in him but praising joe for his great job like he didnt find the humanity in this character and played him to be someone you feel for. 🤡

Then being pro munch like he doesnt have problematic traditional values either

Honestly so tired of these people virtue signaling and having no nuance or media literacy for the sake of internet points, its exhausting and they just look annoying and stupid

Okay, so I wasn’t sure if I was going to answer this, because I’m trying to stay out of things. But I’ve gotten several messages like this, and I’m writing for Gator, so I feel like I owe my take on him, which had a major influence on my choice to continue.

TW below the cut, discussing Gator and his issues:

I live in a Midwestern, republican town. Everyone here owns flags like Gator’s, has blue lives matter flags, etc. If you’re raised into that life and it’s all your family knows/the people around you know - you will likely adapt to that way of thinking as well. I was fortunate enough to be able to break away from how the people around me thought and felt, forming my own opinions and expressing my disgust for the blue lives matter crap and the flag, etc. My parents are heavily republican (carry all that side’s beliefs) and so is my brother.

It’s an incredibly suffocating and confusing environment to grow up in, especially if you have no way to safely think and form your own opinions. Again, I’m grateful I could break away and think for myself!!!!

Now, discussing Gator. I just want to say that it never said he was a Nazi! Roy was. Gator was misogynistic and racist.

I’m going to compare Gator to a character called Mickey Milkovich (now this will probably upset people, due to Mickey’s character being a gay man), but I’m mostly comparing fathers/environments. Mickey and Gator were raised by two dangerous and horrific men, who beat and brain washed their sons into one way of thinking - theirs. Products of their environment, (Mickey used slurs, had flags like Gator, weapons, drugs, and even had nazi items on his wall) and what is called ‘learned racism’. They have no safe way to think for themselves, no other people around to show them love or kindness, help lead them towards a different way. Mickey found that with Ian and was able to develop and fully nurture the kindness/goodness that was in him, and he had over ten seasons to grow!

Gator only had Nadine and 10 episodes. When she left he began to let his warped devotion to the only person he had a blood connection with - flood him, outweigh his own personal goodness. Dot said it herself when she said his need to be like Roy outweighed the goodness inside. He was a product of the father and the environment. He didn’t have his own way of thinking, not really, he clung to what was beat and brainwashed into him, trying to find love and approval from his abuser/only blood relative/only person he was around (very common).

Am I excusing that? Absolutely not! Gator was not entirely a good person, and he knew that as well! He made choices he knew were wrong, to impress and gain affection from a sociopathic, demonic man. Gator was responsible for what he did, so this is not me trying to excuse or argue that!!

The only way for him to become free of who he was molded to be (he has no clue who he is, just a weak prototype of what he tried to be, hardly anything that is his own), was for him to become blind in order to see, and start serving his time. They left his ending open, which is a great way for those of us who choose to write for him - to explore his mental freedom and further nurture the soft/good side of him!

We don’t know how Gator would act or think (he was immediately apologetic to Dot and didn’t hesitate to give Roy up when he saw he wasn’t loved or cared for, so he didn’t need to protect his father), now that he is away from the environment and the man that molded him into the character he was on the show.

Gator was still a child trapped in a man’s body in some aspects; his temper tantrums, his knee jerk reactions, his hot headed plans without thought, his bedroom items (the toy cars, the sneakers, etc), his blinding anger towards Dot for leaving him behind (not even faulting her, because baby girl needed to get out and I’m glad she did). The show also alluded to the fact that he might have been addicted to some kind of substance he was stealing, as well.

Feelings on Munch are that he’s got just as much issues, lol. And we hardly knew much on him, tbh? What he did in the past, other than what he said.

Anyways, that’s my take on Gator.

We all have the right to feel how we feel!! Hate or love Gator, see his humanity or not. Some of the things his character represented effect a whole lot of people, so they have a right to be upset! There’s a lot of different factors and feelings involved!! I only look sideways at you if you thought his torture and eyes getting burnt/cut was what he deserved, because that’s just gross!

But at the end of the day, none of us who do love Gator/write for him — condone Gator’s actions! Seeing the layers and humanity in a character Joe put his all into, is perfectly normal/okay!

Sometimes there’s areas in between, and it’s not just either/or.

But I will say that not everyone who feels this way is just doing it for internet points! A lot of people have valid points/feelings about the dislike of Gator, to which I will not/have no business arguing, you know? There’s also other people that make callout posts for clout and false superiority, without even recognizing what Gator actually did and they just pull stuff outta their ass, lol.

If you don’t like Gator fans or writers, then just scroll!! It’s easy, I promise! No one is hurting anyone or being malicious!! ❤️

[canmom]

i was a very online teenager. i struggled with in-person interpersonal relationships and spent a lot of time on a much less sanded down internet than the one we have today. and my peers at school were on that same internet.

so of course i saw porn of various kinds, from goofy flash videos to the standard catalogue of shock images (goatse, meatspin etc.). like most kids my age, we took it mostly as a big joke. it was exciting mostly only because it was forbidden, like swearing. so people would talk about something like 2girls1cup, and whether you'd seen it, in much the same way you'd talk about having seen gory shock horror films like Saw. none of this was particularly upsetting or shocking. (i found gore way more discomforting, in general.)

even so, the whole environment was rife with repression. and frankly, 'imply someone is gay' ('batty boy' is one especially goofy slur i remember) being a default category of joke did way more damage than knowing some people are into scat or playing a flash game where you can see a drawing of some boobs. implicitly sexual insults would be common, often playing on someone's naivete. i got very used to 'do you have ginger pubes'. tricking someone into saying something 'sexual' without understanding, and then laughing at them, was another one - i suppose it functioned a way of showing your proximity to the mysterious adult world of knowing about sex.

so after a few years of that, i went through a whole period of just... trying to distance myself from having anything to do with sex. we didn't have 'asexuality' language back then, but i probably would have jumped on it if it had been available. 'sex is gross' was the only frame i had to distance myself from how my classmates talked about sexuality, because i didn't have a handle on what was really up, just that i didn't like it. projecting 'i am above it all and find it disgusting' was a form of armour that calcified around me and ultimately did tons of damage to my ability to understand my own feelings. as i got older, this got mixed up in the moralistic rhetoric of online 'social justice'.

when i got to university and finally started to knock down that wall, i had to speedrun figuring out "how to do relationship". (i dived into polyamory head first, and of course that all went as badly as first relationships usually do.) it's been messy.

i reckon if i'd been willing to approach subcultures as a teenager that had given more room to experiment with like, desire and expression and so on... like if i hadn't let the background contempt get under my skin, for the emos and furries and whatever other 'having too much of the wrong kind of fun' social group we were all supposed to hate... i would probably have been a lot happier! if i'd had any out gay people around me before age 17!

the idea of trying to make sure people never see anything ever related to sex until they're 18, outside of whatever the government deigns to allow to be said in sex ed class, is so hopelessly arse-backwards. it's not going to work - a generation that grew up on the internet is going to be way better at getting to what they want to see than the censors are at blocking it, so the main function of the censorship is to reinforce the idea that they're looking at something shameful and secret. it's not going to protect kids - if anything i suspect it's going to make them more vulnerable to exploitation and mistreatment, either by adults who can offer 'access to the forbidden secrets of sexuality', or by their peers by producing this dumbass hierarchy. and tbh i think knowing about all the weird fetishes there are in the world is actually a really beneficial thing, in the same category of 'seeing your grandma's tits at the spa'.

unless, i guess, what you really want to do is teach everyone how to bypass censorship and distrust authority figures? i think there might be better ways to do that, though!

[creatureheart]

Welcome!

Welcome to a simple blog for me to explore things about myself and my nonhuman identity, and to simply reblog relevant posts and things that I like.

You can call me Pandora. New nicknames are welcome. They/It, Adult(31) Horse, Hyena

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[[ Carrd ]] Other Sites — content will be similar [[ CoHost | TikTok | Bluesky | Pillowfort | Dreamwidth ]] [[ Main Blog available on request. ]] [[ Tags ]] — my tags for ease of access and mobile users.

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Replies, comments and asks/submissions are always welcome.

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I block, unfollow and filter liberally, because it is not on other people to cater my online space for me. If I see something I don't like, I remove it from my sight and move on. I take ZERO responsibility for other's online experience as this is my blog. Learn to cater your own online space as it's only on you to do so. If you see anything you don't like that I post or reblog, just unfollow and/or block. People just looking for an argument or who are rude will be blocked and reported. Comments along the lines of looking for a fight or being rude will be deleted.

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Before You Follow found below the cut:

I am an Adult - Dec '93 If you are not ok with this, and I follow you, please soft block, or block me to keep yourself comfortable.

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I am Queer/Asexual and Indigenous(Australian).

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Most of this blog will be SFW, but there still might be possible adult content on this blog, which will be tagged. Keep this in mind if you are a minor or do not wish to see such!

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I try to tag everything that I reblog with general, wide tags when they are useful. Use the content filter options and/or xkit to stop from seeing what you don't want to see. I do not tolerate hateful comments towards any animal, especially insects, spiders and other "creepy crawlies" and will block on sight. I understand phobias and squicks, but ALL ANIMALS are worthy of respect and life. This goes DOUBLE for anyone that makes comments on people's pets.

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I'm not here for internet drama and discourse, don't drag me into it or tell me about it. I have more important things to worry about.

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I support systems of all origins, including endogenic. I also support physically identifying nonhumans and alterhumans, whatever their reason for identifying this way is.

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I use the word Queer. If you do not believe in reclaiming slurs or you tag things as "q slur" just block me. I am also kink positive, pro-sex education, pro-sex worker, etc.

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Thought crime AND thought heroism does not exist.

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I am of the old internet mindset of "if you don't like it, don't look" and "don't go looking for things you know you don't like/you know will upset you."

Only person to blame for interacting with things you don't like is yourself. Learn to remove yourself from the situation instead of placing all blame on other people who probably didn't even know you were there, or wanted you there, in the first place.

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I'm old and tired, and kids these days would probably label me a "proshipper" as I believe there is way more nuance to this entire thing than simply the black and white mindset that the internet & fandom communities have shifted to over time. I do not condone any taboo or problematic content IRL. But it is not my place, or my right to tell others what they can and cannot do in fiction/fantasy.

I do not condone harassment over fictional characters, ships, etc, and if you're one of the people who think that this is ok, or that someone should die because they think differently than you, block me. It's unrealistic to believe that anything created that holds taboo or problematic content means the one who created it condones it IRL. This falls along the same kind of mindset mostly conservative parents spat that "violent video games make people violent", which we all know is not true. Censoring problematic content will not stop people from creating it. They will just create it where you cannot see it, which in turn could make it harder to find, and harder to stop when actual harm is dealt. Can fictional/fantasy content affect reality? Sure! I will never say otherwise. But to believe that it always does is, again, unrealistic, and assuming that most people cannot differentiate between the two. Fiction and fantasy were created for people to be able to entertain ourselves, and to explore topics that we never would, or were impossible, in the real world in the safety of our minds and spaces we created. The actions of those who use fictional content as a reason to do taboo and problematic things in real life is entirely on them, and they need to seek professional help for their paraphilias, or harmful actions. If something... - happens between two(or more) consenting ADULTS - makes someone happy - does not harm themselves or anyone/anything IRL ...then what other people do is none of my business.

Dividers by benkeibear

[threewaywithdelusion]

Someone who's good at internet-speak (ie, not me) should write a fic about Richmond's crusade against homophobia, but in the format of posts and articles.

It starts when Isaac attacks the fan at the Richmond v. Brighton game. The tv cameras didn't catch what the fan said, only Isaac's reaction, but maybe people filmed it and put it online or maybe the fan does an angry Tiktok video or whatever. Unconfirmed rumors start that Isaac threw hands because of the f-slur. A lot of people don't believe it, because why would a (presumably straight) footballer care about something like that? Some queer fans are touched that someone cares about that language being used in football. Others are outraged that a team captain would get himself red-carded over something so minor.

Several months later (next season, after Ted's already gone home), a fan for the opposing team shouts something kind of homophobic from the stands. (This is in a world where either Colin and Michael didn't kiss after beating West Ham or miraculously zero people saw it and filmed it and posted it, so Colin isn't out). Some of the players stand at the corner of the pitch and begin shouting back at the fan, heckling them, but without actually going into the stands. Maybe Richard, Bumbercatch, and Jan Maas? I feel like Richard would be sassy and Jan Maas would be devastatingly straightforward and Bumbercatch would say something entirely out of pocket.

(Also, Colin wouldn't want to out himself by standing up for himself. Isaac is just fighting to keep his temper and not storm the stands again. Dani and Sam are too nice to yell insults at fans, even homophobic ones. And I literally cannot imagine Jamie is straight, which means he would be trying to fly under the radar just like Colin).

This time, the news hits the internet complete with videos. The players are definitely reacting this way to homophobia and it's blowing everyone's minds. Now the conversation shifts from people trying to say these are baseless rumors to center around two questions: 1) Are the Richmond players right or wrong to care so much about this and to allow it to disrupt matches? Is football about playing or about culture? 2) Why do Richmond players care so much?

There's rampant speculation online: This is Ted's influence, because he's American and they care about all this PC bullshit over there. This is some kind of publicity stunt. One of the players must be gay.

That last one gets some traction, but who is it? Isaac, who was the first one to act upset? Jamie, who *gestures at all of Jamie*? Someone else entirely?

At Richmond matches, some players from the other teams start saying shit to bait Richmond into fouls and yellow cards. As it starts to affect how Richmond plays, even the pundits take notice. The sexuality of the Richmond players is now a full-blown topic of discussion.

Everyone is curious to find out what the hell is going on. Roy gets asked about this every week at the post-game press conference. Clips appear online of players having microphones shoved in their faces and being asked who is the gay player on the team, though they all hold the line and refuse to answer. Entire threads are devoted to speculating about who on the team must be gay.

There should be tweets and tumblr posts and news articles. In the end, either Colin and Michael come out, or RoyJamieKeeley come out. Or both, and the fans are completely overwhelmed that so many of them were right when speculating about the players but also wrong because no one predicted there would be multiple gay players on the team (and coaching staff).

[satninroses]

Drunken Care | A.B x Reader

(A/N): First Austin request :-), Supa cute!! Hope you enjoy :-))

Summary: Austin takes care of drunk reader.

Pairing: Austin Butler x Fem! Reader

Word count: 1,083

Warnings: Drunk reader, throwing up, swearing, mentions of sadness.

The party had started somewhere at 4:00 P.M. At this point, it was almost 1:00 in the morning ad there were still plenty of people at his house.

You knew Austin from childhood. You were close friends from elementary to high school. He left about a year after your senior year to pursue a career in acting and you supported him all through it. Both of you stayed in touch after everything and talked practically everyday.

When he invited you to the party, you were eager to see how he was after all these years of chatting through the internet. You wanted to envelope him in a tight hug as if he was the one thing grounding you to this Earth.

When you arrived, Austin had pushed his way through the sea of bodies to get to you. This made your heart so happy. You had missed him so much that you couldn’t stop the cascade of happy tears from falling down your face.

You had spent the whole night chatting and catching up with eachother, reliving childhood memories, embarrassing moments, and so much more.

During your conversations, he would be invited to a toast in his name and to his accomplishments. You think there may have been 9 or 10 toasts. You really couldn’t remember at this point. All the drinks entering your system wound you up and unraveled you into a drunk girl.

You sat on his couch staring at your phone, which was upside down and backwards, waiting for him to get back from grabbing a few snacks. While he had drunk to his toasts, he could obviously handle his alcohol better than you could.

“Hey (Y/N). You doing ok?” He placed his hand on the small of your back to get your attention. You sluggishly turned your head to gaze into his pretty eyes. How were they so pretty? How was he so pretty?

You felt tears well up in your eyes at the sight of him. “Oh Austin! I mmmisssed youu! I didn’t know what I was gunna do without you!” You dug your head into the crook of his shoulder and let yourself cry.

“Oh, it’s ok! I’m here now, ok? Don’t cry, I’m right here.” He pat your back reassuringly and laid a small kiss on your forehead. He stood you up to walk you outside for some fresh air. This proved to be a challenge. Your foot- brain coordination was not on point due to your intoxication. You stumbled a bit before finally gripping his shirt and the wall. “Where are we going,” you slurred.

“I’m just gonna take you outside for some air. Is that ok?” He continued to lead you out onto his back deck in hope of calming you down a little bit. You finally reached the back door and he unlocked it. You stepped out into the slightly chilly June night.

An extreme wave a nausea hit you like a cinder block. Your knees hit the ground and your hands rushed to cover your mouth.

“(Y/N)! Hold still i’ll get your a bucket or something!” Before Austin had the chance to stand up and go search for something to catch your puke, it was too late.

You let out that days meals in a painful manner. You were absolutely humiliated. While throwing up did somewhat sober you up, you were still to far gone to stand on your own and clean it. “Oh god. Ok, stay here! It’s gonna be ok. Can you try and make it to that lawn chair for me?” You nodded slowly has to not upset your head more.

For a full five minutes, you sat on the chair and stared at the vomit in embarrassment. “I threw up on his porch. What kind of friend am I?” You began to sob again. “What if he thinks I’m gross and rude?” A hand touches your back.

“I don’t think anything but the world of you. You’re just a little drunk, and we’re gonna get you back on your feet, ok?” Austin went around the chair and kneeled in front of you. In one of his hands were two Ibuprofen and a few crackers. In the other hand was a glass of ice water. “Take these, munch on these crackers, and sip on the water ok?”

You took the pills and swallowed them. You had taken a few more sips of water. He held an outstretched hand towards you. With your free hand, you grabbed it and walked with him back into the home and upstairs. He led you to a large master bedroom. He sat you on the bed. “Stay here, ok? I need to run downstairs.”

You sat alone in silence again for a few more minutes. He returned upstairs with your purse, phone, and a sweatshirt.

“I told everyone to head home. Said some goodbyes. I brought you this in case you wanted to change into something more comfortable. You can use the bathroom right here if you want.”

At this point, you were more sober than you were 20 minutes ago. Still not completely sober. You stripped off your dress and heels as well as your bra. You slipped the sweatshirt on over yourself. You grabbed a pair of his shorts from the laundry basket in the corner of the bathroom.

You walked back into the room and sat on the bed.

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah. I’m really sorry that I threw up on your porch.”

“It’s ok. Accidents happen.”

You smile at him and give him a hug. He wrapped his arms around your torso comfortingly. After some time, you let him go and stared at him.

“Do you want me to take the guest room?”

“No it’s ok. You can sleep in here. I’d prefer it too. That way in case you aren’t feeling well I can help you out.”

You laid your back down on the bed and let out a long exhale. “Thank you Austin.”

He smiles again and offers you a sweet kiss on the forehead. before laying beside you. “Anything for you (Y/N).”

You both maneuvered your way under the covers where you fell asleep next to Austin. While being one of your most embarrassing moments, you were glad to be with him again. That was all that mattered.

[insane-behavior]

Just got told to kill myself, feeling good. Also just got called the r slur, feeling good

The ironic thing is the idea that this hurts me. I, personally, am fine. What upsets me about it is that it *could* do genuine harm to others. You never know what people online are going through or what their lives look like. Saying hurtful things online can and does have real world consequences.

I hope anyone who's mean online for fun can log off and heal. It's okay to point out when someone is in the wrong, but you can do it without intentionally doing harm.

I also hope anyone who sees this will be kind on the internet. The world is a terrible place. Don't make it worse. Just say something nice instead. Criticism and disagreement is valid, but attacking people isn't. Be kind to strangers. It costs you nothing. Sometimes it's difficult and when it is, just don't say anything at all. Just because you're having a bad day doesn't mean you have the right to inflict harm on others.

[bylertruther]

Im like slash gen confused on the gnc debate like what sparked this. Will is canonically the most visibly gay out of everyone in the show according TO the show, so why are people so against it? Like I get headcannoning mike as gnc but that doesn’t take away or mean that Will isn’t bc he canonically is. I’m Actually confused

I wish I knew lmao. People think that calling him that or acknowledging the misogyny involved in being assumed to be gay due to a perceived lack of masculinity is somehow homophobic and enforcing stereotypes. As if refusing to acknowledge a very real phenomenon that still occurs now and thus insinuating that "those" kinds of gay people are invalid is somehow morally correct lmao.

Will is the ONLY character who is called all of the many slurs he faces and he's the only character we've seen be targeted for his sexuality. Will has never done anything with boys—he doesn't get called a fairy because of that, he gets called a fairy because of the way he acts and how he exists outside of what Hawkins deems to be acceptable masculinity.

We know that he's a sensitive kid who isn't like anyone else and who gets made fun of. They call him names and they make fun of his clothes among other things. The words used to describe him—gentle, soft spoken, sensitive, artistic—were all euphemisms for gay (and still are in some places, since the internet does not reflect real life and we do not live in a homophobia-rid utopia). Like, this is part of his character design. Those are the words of the Duffers themselves. He's the only character that experiences any of that. If you want to consider actor opinion, too, Noah has spoken for years about how Will feels like he doesn't fit in anywhere, that he's sensitive, scared of everything, he's the one that takes care of his friends emotionally, and so on and so forth.

I don't know why it's such a big issue or why it's something so many people are, like... unwilling to even consider. Men get called gay whenever they're deemed "not masculine enough." Nonconforming behavior is a part of Will's homosexuality and that nonconforming behavior is what clued the people of Hawkins in to who he is. They could've just called him a twerp, or called him a nerd the way they do Mike, but they don't. Instead, they call him gay and a fairy and his father calls him the f slur and he has people ranging from his peers to adults talking about his sexuality. Like, not even Robin gets that treatment lol. Will is literally the only one, and they went out of their way to show us that first thing.

Will isn't a stereotype. Not being super masculine does not equal being super feminine. Gender nonconformity is not about just what you look like, and it's based on your society's values as a whole, not your personal leftist values. Feminine gay men exist and have done so much for our community, and seeing people inadvertently hate on them online makes me wanna throw bricks. Headcanons are not canon, and discussing canon is not a diss to anyone's headcanons because those are two different discussions.

This was one of those things that I naively thought everyone knew only to post about it online and receive so much hate about it. People get really defensive when you talk about how Mike is canonically written. The same thing would happen whenever I'd post in support of Mike with a sword. People really act like you're disrespecting them personally and get super petty and spiteful, and I don't get it. Have your headcanon if you want, but don't get upset that it's just that: a headcanon.

The Duffers nor Finn speak about Mike the way they do, and the behavior Mike has exhibited on screen does not support the wimpy, meek, known by everyone to be gay caricature that they cling to and suggest is actually canon. If it was JUST a headcanon to them, then they wouldn't get so upset about it, but they do. They don't like the way Mike's sexuality has been depicted thus far, and now it's everyone else's problem, too.

There's more than one way to be gay, and those experiences help shape who we are. Will has never fit in and instead has always stuck out. The fact that he's never been allowed inside, so to speak, is why he tries his best to embrace/explore his otherness and clings to people who can make him feel better for being different. Mike has always been Wrong—deemed a nerd, then a hellion, then a satanist—but he's able to blend in well enough to not be found out. He gets mocked and bullied, but at least he can pass as straight and be targeted for that instead of his sexuality. He still has a shot at conforming and playing by the rules, even if it isn't fulfilling or something that comes naturally to him. This is in part why he became so attached to Eleven and why he struggles to accept that he can still be worthy without her.

I just... I don't know, man. I'm confused, too, lol.

[sanriomantic]

brain soup: #0

The beginning

Disclaimer: This is a series where I discuss sensitive topics, primarily based on my own experiences with mental illness, the symptoms that come with such mental health issues, trauma, and such. I am in no way, shape, or form a mental health professional. I am merely speaking based on my own experiences as a patient, and sufferer/survivor of such circumstances.

Some topics that I cover in this series of posts may not be appropriate for those under 18, and that will be specified at the beginning of each post in this series.  Some topics that will be discussed will include and not be limited to:

Mental illnesses/disorders

Neurodivergence (Autism, in my case)

Symptoms of mental illnesses

Bullying & other assaults

Repeated Child Abuse (physical, verbal, emotional/psychological, and sexual)

Bullying

Manipulation

Trauma (and the effects of Trauma, on all aspects of life)

Self-injurious behaviours

Disordered eating

Suicidal ideation & attempts

Psychotic Symptoms

Intrusive & Impulsive thoughts

Mood disorder symptoms

Drug & substance use discussions

Hospitalisation 

Medications

Age regression (non-sexual)

Some Extra Rules for you to keep in mind:

I am not your Therapist, I am a stranger on the internet talking about my experiences. I am here to shed light on my experiences that may help others understand their experiences and feel less alone.

Please do not, and I repeat Do not call me “Strong”,I find it quite upsetting. I had no choice to be anything other than “Strong”. So please do not say I am strong.

This isn’t a competition. I am not here to say “My trauma is worse than yours!!”, “My illness is worse than yours!!”. Such comparisons are not welcome. We are all different people, and we all cope differently. What may affect me horribly, may not affect you the same and vice versa. 

I will not tolerate the use of any slurs, towards anyone. If you are going to call someone a racist, ableist, LGBT-phobic, or any other slur please leave until you grow up a little bit to realise that language like that isn’t “cool”.

Please be kind to others, and yourself.

At the beginning of every post I will be posting trigger warnings relevant to that specific post. If you are uncomfortable, or at risk of injuring yourself or someone else please discuss this with a medical professional and take care of yourself first and foremost. 

So hello. Call me Cy (They/Them). I am currently 19. I am an LGBTQ+, Neurodivergent, Mentally ill artist! My art (which is mainly illustrations and poetry) focuses on mental health topics and is heavily inspired by styles like: Menhera, YamiKawaii, Pastel Goth, and other cute but sinister styles.This series is called “brain soup” and this is instalment zero! This is a series where I speak on topics of mental health, and my experiences with the symptoms of illnesses I suffer from, and the experiences that I’ve lived (and survived) through.Which often isn’t pretty, or glamorous. I will speak frankly, bluntly, and I will not delve into details that I am not willing to discuss openly. 

So I hope you can gain some sense of comfort, or community through my experiences. 

Thank you very much for your time, and support.

much love, be kind.

[whore-crusher]

WAIT OKAY RECAP FOR ME, SOMEONE WHO LITERALLY JUST GOT HERE: i saw you second post, peaked in to find the first, and was like 'huh, weird to ask someone to not use a name, you don't own it', then did a lil hunting of my own cause i Did Not know who you were talking about but i'm Nosy

and i saw the post that pup made and was like 'damn, sad they're not around anymore, but i got my own problems with the hlvrai fandom, have fun getting better ig' and i scrolled a bit on pup's blog and was like 'oh okay, you wanted a distinction between Your gordie, and other gordies, sure, you went about it weird but ig i understand. big ol miscommunication' and MOVED ON

and then. hours later. i'm scrolling. people are jumping down your throat ?? because APPARENTLY that big old giant long post was made Because of you being like 'that was fucking weird to ask me not to use a NAME' and ?? pup got SO FUCKING UPSET that they just LEFT THE INTERNET

i'm so confused. what the fuck.

THEY LEFT??? Anon, I'll be so honest, I made my posts as a one-off "hey isn't this kind of weird and funny" thing for my friends and the like 2 followers I have. I woke up today, sick as all hell, opened Tumblr and had hundreds of notifications from people either dming me like "Hey sorry you're being harassed" or sending me anon asks calling me insults for daring to have an opinion on Tumblr. I haven't checked pups account since I made the og post + have ignored most notifications I've gotten since I prefer to have discussions instead of being yelled at. I only knew that they left discord, not THE INTERNET. OVER ONE POST.

It only shocks me how chronically online someone has to be that a single post, where they went completely unnamed, got them so upset they had to LEAVE the INTERNET. And make a post that has made me be actually harassed by random people (most of whom that I can't block if I wanted to since they're sending anon asks) when my post was not harassment by any means and did not tell people to harass her.

Also since it WAS just a miscommunication she could've just... literally DMed me. "Hey Simon, saw your post, here's what I meant: [blah blah blah]" and I would've DELETED IT..???? They could've stopped this whole thing by replying to me on AO3 with an explanation instead of just deleting the original comment those months ago.

Anyways Thanks for being Just As Confused as this whole thing is making me. And for not calling me 6 bajillion slurs like most people in my asks see fit to do right now!

[neverendingparable]

Challenge 1 - The Phone Call

WARNING: mentions of parental death, alcohol abuse, domestic disputes.

CALL UP YOUR BROTHER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. IF HE ANSWERS, HANG UP AND CALL AGAIN UNTIL YOU GET HIS VOICE MAIL.

TELL HIM ABOUT THE WORST THING HE EVER DID TO YOU. BRING UP EVERY UPSETTING DETAIL. TELL HIM YOU DO NOT FORGIVE HIM.

SEND US THE RECORDING.

W.BG

~

Stellan stares at the text through the blurry haze of alcohol, his mind fighting off fatigue and incredulity. They want him to do...what?

What kind of cruel, twisted joke is this?

He should delete the text, block the number and go to sleep. What the hell was he thinking, giving away a number to some assholes on the internet. It isn’t his own personal number but still, people can track you in all kinds of ways. They somehow know he has a brother. That is creepy on its own.

He shakes his head and puts the phone down, reaching for a glass of water. His hand curls around his half empty bourbon glass instead.

“…”

~

Hey, this is Stanley! I’m not available right now, but I will get back to you as soon as I can! Leave a message please! Have a nice day!

“Heyy...Stanley. This is Stellan. I’m a little drunk, I’m sure you can hear it in my voice. Just a little whiskey though, nothing to worry about. I mean, you’re going to worry anyway. You always worry, or you always act like you worry, despite being younger than me. It’s honestly kind of annoying, but that’s not why I called.”

It is like a train wreck, Stellan finds. He sees himself slumped over the kitchen counter, phone pressed tightly to his ear, the other hand clutching his once again full glass of whiskey. He knows he shouldn’t be doing this, he knows this is a bad idea and he hates himself for entertaining it, but he doesn’t stop because the second he slows down, his thoughts will creep back in and he’d rather sit here at three am and ruin his relationship with his brother than lie in bed and think about the gaping void in his chest that eats him alive in the most painful way possible.

When their father died, there was numbness for a while. Stellan felt numb when he received the news, he felt numb when he called Stanley, he felt numb when he organized the funeral and he felt numb when he watched the coffin lower into the ground and get buried under mounds of dirt.

And then the pain set in, slowly spreading from his chest outward until he found himself crouching on the kitchen tiles, gasping for breath, certain he was going to be put into the ground just like Stanford Sommers had been a week prior.

The panic attacks didn’t fully go away but they felt less insurmountable when his head was clouded over with alcohol. He believed he could think better when he couldn’t feel anything but the stinging warmth of intoxication, even though he would be useless the next day from the killer hangover. It didn’t matter though. He would just do it all over again, the next time he felt helpless.

Stanley has been insufferably supportive. Stellan knows he handles grief in a different way; Stanley had booked a counselor soon after the funeral, joined a support group and started reading books about how to best handle the loss they both suffered. Even when he cried at the funeral, it was a quiet, collected cry, like he had practiced how to best do it.

It’s unfair to think that way about his brother, but in the face of his own helplessness, Stellan had started to feel resentment at how well Stanley was holding up.

The fight came only two weeks after their father’s death, one week after the funeral.

Stellan recounted it all into the phone.

“Do you remember the fight, Stanley…? Yeah, that one.” He slurs, once again feeling horror well up at what he’s about to put his brother through. “How did it even get started, I think you were trying to convince me to go to therapy with you or whatever. Oh- no, no, no. You booked a counseling session for us both without even asking me if I wanted to go. I know you were just trying to be nice but- really, Stanley? Just thinking about it makes me angry all over again.”

He straightens up, gritting his teeth. “I’m not some kid who needs his brother to hold his hand through grief, Stanley. I’ve felt it before, when Mom left us for some fucking asshole. I was old enough to remember that, you were sheltered from the worst of it by Dad. You always were. No matter what happened, I had to carry the burden of knowing how bad it had gone while you were coddled and protected. You never knew how bad it was, Stanley. And now you don’t get to pretend you’re better at grieving than me. You actually had the gall to snap at me when I told you this, like I went too far reminding you of it. At least Mom is still alive. At least you can see her whenever you want because you’re fucking shameless and can’t pick up the hint when someone doesn’t want your presence in their life. You got angry at me like I’m in the wrong when you’re the one who thinks he can bullet journal and meditate his father’s death away?

Dad is dead and you just put it on your to-do list, like it’s just another chore to get you through the day. Do the laundry, check. Take out the trash, check. Mourn for Dad, check. Tell your older brother he’s killing himself and pour his alcohol out when he’s not home because you’re ‘worried’ for his health, fucking check. If I want to go the same way Dad went then it’s my fucking right, Stanley.

You don’t get to make choices for my life when you’re breezing through your own like nothing can ever fucking touch you..”

He’s yelling now, unsure how much is even coherent and the tears are hot on his face, his chest is no longer a gaping hole but full of fire, full of rage. He wants to fight, he wants Stanley to pick up the phone so he can shout back, he wants to feel anything other than the looming emptiness that will crash over him the second he hangs up the phone and so he keeps shouting, he keeps talking.

“Sometimes I wonder if you’re even capable of feeling anything. Perfect Stanley, who always says and does and thinks and feels the right fucking thing trying to tell me how to live my fucking life like you have the slightest hint of how it’s like to be me. I grieved for Mom and I grieved for Dad and you’re out there like nothing ever happened. Moving on with your life after not even a month has passed, it’s like you never even cared to begin with. I- I hate how you do it.”

Tears fall onto the kitchen counter, the alcohol impeding his ability to hold back sobs.

“I hate how good you are with keeping your feelings together, I hate how unaffected you are. I hate how you make me feel like I’m broken for not being able to move on as quickly as you. I hate this. I hate talking with you about this, Stanley. I wish you would just stop coming over, I wish you would stop trying to help me, I don’t need your help, I don’t need you.”

Stellan gasps for air as he chokes on the next words, his voice strangled and weak.

“I hate how you’re forgetting to mourn Dad. And- and I don’t forgive you for it.”

The phone clatters as it falls onto the counter and for a while, Stellan just stands there and weeps into his hands. It doesn’t feel like relief. It feels like he’s dying, the walls crashing in around him and finally pulling him under. It doesn’t look like there’s a way out this time, and all he can do is wait for the inevitable darkness to take him.

He doesn’t know when he uploads the recording and presses send, his body is on autopilot, doing what it needs to do. Maybe he wants to be punished for what he just poured into Stanley’s voicemail. One more person to witness how far he’s depraved himself.

He drops his phone on counter once more and then stumbles to the couch, where he quietly weeps until exhaustion takes him.

~

Stellan awakes groggily about three PM to the sound of buzzing. He blearily sits up, his mind in a heavy fog. Just how much has he had to drink yesterday?

The events don’t come back yet, not until he stumbles over to the kitchen and picks up his phone to see who is making all that noise.

STANLEY IS CALLING…

All at once, everything comes back to him. The drunken voicemail, the shouting, those hateful words….

He presses ANSWER before he could chicken out. He made this mess. He needs to face it.

“Hey, Stel!” Stanley’s chipper voice is on the other end of the line.

“H...hey…?” Why isn’t he mad?

“Oh, tough night, huh? You sound horrible, no offense!” Stanley laughs lightly, and then launches into the next part of the conversation. “Listen, Dad and I are going to go drive out of the city this weekend, we thought it would be nice to take a walk in the warm weather today! Do you want to come along?”

“...Dad?”

“Yes, Dad and I! ….hello? Stel? Are you still there?”

The fight. The funeral. The dreaded phone call. It never happened. Reality comes crashing down around Stellan. It never happened. It never happened. He remembers a time when it did happen but- but he just saw his Dad yesterday. He looked just like how he had before the death that never occurred, tired but happy. He had mentioned something about a weekend getaway too and-

“Earth to Stellan!”

“S-sorry.” He feels sick. Part of it is from relief. “I- I’ll have to call you back, Stanley. Sorry. I’ll think about it.”

“No need to feel sorry! We’d love to have you there too!”

“Okay. Yeah. Thanks.”

“Drink some water, Dummy! I’ll talk to you later. Bye!”

Click.

Stellan fumbles with his phone, checking the call history. The phone call from last night is gone, but the text from ‘WOE.BEGONE’ is still there.

Someone had undone the conversation and his father’s death while he was passed out on the couch last night. But why? For what? Was this part of the game? And...what’s going to happen next?

[jules-hoard-of-stuff]

Okay. So... I'm explaining this for my own peace of mind, not anyone else's. My opinions are mine, and I do not represent anyone else but me. It's about the terms queer, femboy, and how sometimes slurs can turn into identifiers. This is from a transmasc perspective, though I have done my research.

Please do not read if you have anything rude to say. We all have different opinions.

I have done... a lot of research today. A lot of research on terms into the transmasculine and feminine presentations, and into slurs themselves.

And it seems that, with the term 'femboy', it is a VERY similar argument to the word 'queer.'

Queer, in general, is a debated term on the internet because of its past history as a slur. Slurs, as of recently, have started to be reclaimed in multiple areas of the community. Queer is one of them, and what we used to call the f-slur, faggot, is quickly coming behind it.

Reclamation itself is a very muddy sort of water. For some people it works, for others it doesn't. The thing about the word queer, is that some people hate the term and have a bad history with it. Others, like myself, find it as a reclaimed identity.

The term 'femboy' seems to have come around with this kind of treatment as well.

Both queer and femboy have both been used as terrible slurs against different parts of our community. But recently, we have seen a resurgence of these terms as an identity, taken literally and away from their harmful contexts. Queer has ceased being an insult in some parts of the community because some of us have changed its power, switched it to work for us.

The term femboy seems to be making the same shifts.

Where it was once used as a purely transmisogynist, pornographic term, it seems to have taken on a new life in communities of masc aligned people who... are feminine. The term itself is a shortening of "feminine boy". Some transfems like the term, some hate it. Some transmascs like the term, some hate it.

The point stands that this term seems to be taking up the stance that queer is. It's graduated from something that is purely a slur, to something that is now an identity for some and an insult for others. Some transfems do not want it used for them, or dislike the term altogether, and others seem upset that people are trying to sidestep the actual term by making new ones.

Either way, it's just as muddy a case as queer. And I use queer, understanding that I can call myself that, but not others if thye hate it.

I think, in that case, I'm just... gonna take the term femboy and use it the same way.

I won't call any transfems that unless they enjoy the term, or transmascs for that matter.

But I myself identify as one.

There is a community now surrounding the term of transmasc and masc aligned people who adore the term and use it liberally, to express their femininity without forsaking the base masculinity that comes with it. These people don't routinely call transfems this term at all. I don't do that, either. We just use it to describe the role of being a feminine boy.

And i don't think that's a crime. Some transfems have even asked us to use the term over replacement terms, from my perspective. Other terms seem to come from sites like Tiktok, and frankly,

I don't trust that shithole.

So while I won't be calling anyone else that, because I understand the history and won't use it for others unless I know the other person likes it,

I am a gay, queer, transmasc femboy. That's how I'm choosing to identify, because I've been using the term ever since quelling my decade-long gender questioning journey, and it's one of the most comfortable terms I've ever found. I've found other transmascs like myself through it. And while there is a lot of sexuality in that term, I myself am a very sexual being. And it feels right at home with me.

If anyone takes issue with that, or feels personally offended by my definition for myself,

I will no longer be budging.

[moonglittering]

♥

✨ anonymous. meme. still accepting!

♥ What's the WORST thing that has happened to you rp wise?

this is kind of a continuation of the last ask cuz its the same community so this so around like 2010 or so. i was in an rp group and we had a skype chat right? one of the people there, let's call her Br, started talking about how she wanted to lynch black people. and look im an old internet person, 4chan edginess does not matter to me i dont care, say what you want its just words a screen who gives a fuck. trolling is kinda fun sometimes when done right. but she was actively talking about how she was gonna go try and do that? and was talking about how jim crow was a great idea and shit?

so me being mostly a Black™ was like. oh that's crazy im out.

i left the skype, other people followed. i left because i knew if i opened my mouth i'd hurt this ugly girls feelings. i know my capabilities, i know i hit below the belt.

a couple of hours pass and i go to the website we all rp'd on, it was an art community, and i see a blog entry on the front page that was like: Fuck Diren. and it was by Br's boyfriend.

homeboy went on a 10 paragraph rant on how i damaged br's rep even tho i just like. left the chat. i could've ruined br's rep or whatever, but i didnt. i left, other people followed and we made our own skype.

anyway the comments were agreeing and i commented: lmao you're so upset!

and i got JUMPED in the comments.

then i got banned for 2 weeks??????? even tho br came to the site and just started hurling slurs and i got the ban???? for saying

lmao you're so upset!

what the fuck. when i got unbanned my inbox was filled with photos of public lynchings and every slur for black ppl and native americans under the sun, even some i hadnt heard since the damn 90s. photos of the kkk and nazis too.

anyway those people are washed up now im very glad theyre unhappy. they should stay that way.

[lichengrl]

Twitter is dumb

This is kind of funny because it's kind of weirdly political but this is just something I was thinking about lately and I wanted to put my thoughts down somewhere but I'm too lazy to write it all out in my journal (sorry, running on no sleep always) but I guess that's what this blog is for, anyway, so it works out. I feel like the internet allows people to have shitty priorities. I'm trying not to use any language that's like "people nowadays" or shit that would make me sounds a hundred years old because 1. its not just young people perpetrating this kind of thing, and 2. I'm literally 18. I just feel like people on the internet get angry a lot, myself included, over things that in the grand scheme of things don't really matter at all. The accessibility of other people who will share your outrage and the ability to create an echo chamber is a tool that I don't think anyone should have. I feel like it must come from a place of boredom.

This is all coming from some tweets I saw yesterday. Well, more than just some. My whole explore page was full of this picture of this random alternative looking girl and people meming on her. I was confused on what was going on so I found a thread explaining and it turned out that this was an (allegedly) 17-year-old girl, (she looked younger to me, but even if she was 17, still very much a child.) and it seemed like all corners of twitter were coming together to hate on her because she was a racist and supported pedophilia. I looked through this whole thread, saw the screenshots, and immediately felt like it was a troll. obviously the use of racial slurs is wrong always, but as I learned more about it, especially the fact that this was a child, it seemed like maybe she didn't deserve the hate she was receiving, mainly from adults on the platform and greatly just commenting on this young girl's appearance. Her account was terminated, as it should be based on twitter's rules, but I think that should have been the extent of it. Not saying that it's right, but there are a LOT of people that age who say things akin to the things that she was saying to be "edgy" because they are children and haven't learned the actual weight of it. while I do think that her behavior should change, I don't think that widespread bullying from random people on the internet is necessarily going to help her in any way.

The pedophilia thing is where I started to get upset. The screenshots included to support the claim that she "supports pedophilia" were her saying things about wanting to be groomed and similar statements maintaining the theme of her wanting to be a victim of pedophilia. This is not a valid criticism whatsoever, especially considering the age of this girl. If anything, these statements by her should be met with concern and not backlash. At best, she's just making jokes without understanding the weight of the situation, but at worse, she could be a victim herself projecting these desires from a place of trauma, as many trauma victims turn to romanticism to cope. No matter what the reason she had for saying those things, I don't think strangers should be commenting on it publicly at all. I also found it striking that so many people found her comments so disgusting as, having been on the internet for any amount of time, especially twitter, I would assume that it was well known that (for adults, children still shouldn't be talking like this just for their own safety,) things like this are a fairly common fetish and far more egregious statements are made on the platform.

I think that this girl must have some form of mental illness, at least a need for attention, and I think that she should be met with support from people close to her and expressions of concern from people on the internet (since people on the internet can't stand to just leave people alone and for some reason feel the need to get involved. I think that the termination of her account is a good thing, but that insulting her appearance is actually fucking insane as this is a troubled child and not someone who is actually causing any harm. I thought about why this mattered so much to people and I realized that I could easily get sucked into such sensationalism, as it's really easy to, out of sheer boredom. When you spend a lot of time on the internet (like me, hello), it can be easy to latch onto something and see others sharing your opinion and perpetuate an echo chamber where a small situation can spiral into seeming like the biggest most pressing issue in the world. In reality, I wish that there was more reflection going on, which is difficult because it's so easy to see a post, form an opinion, and comment on it within a minute. twitter especially is made in a way that perfectly allows it to create a constant feedback loop, to receive instant validation, and to permeate outrage. In the end, I just hope that girl is okay, I hope she's able to learn despite the horrible things people are saying about her (which, if anything, would encourage her to continue her bad behavior, especially if she was seeking attention), and I hope that people forget about the whole situation in a few days.

I try to separate myself from this sort of thing because I start to get a savior complex, like I need to somehow change the entire nature of the internet. But even me commenting on this now is an example of someone seeing a small portion of the internet, thinking it's more important than it is, and getting angry about it. Isn't that funny? It's never-ending. But I guess that's it LOL

[emma-radfemcanu]

Another day of me having to defend Stefanos on the internet *sigh* and disclaimer- I am not saying that he doesn’t deserve criticism but as usual it’s way OTT

Basically in the Netflix Break Point show there’s a bit that covers his hideous match against Nick Kyrgios at Wimbledon last year (I’m not going into depth because it still upsets me a year later lol)- NK is appallingly behaved (verbal abuse towards umpires and opponents, spitting at the audience/ on court, being rude to ballkids) but a lot of people find him entertaining and umpires seem to let him get away with it. IDK why, I know each to their own but I find it incredibly uncomfortable to watch

Anyway it also covers Stef’s reaction to it (don’t get me wrong he didn’t cover himself in glory here either but I cannot blame him for being frustrated), he was unhappy and basically said something along the lines of NK being ‘uneducated’ and that kind of behaviour should be saved for basketball. And a few people have picked up on the racial undertones- and I absolutely get why, I feel like at best it was just badly expressed (funny that people seem to have conveniently forgotten that English is his 3rd language)

I think if Stef had said that about Tiafoe or someone there would be more ground to it, he is black NK isn’t- I think Tiafoe is quite annoying but he’s largely harmless, and it’s definitely true that some people get more shit for bad behaviour than others. But NK behaves awfully, he’s said himself that he wishes it was more like other sports, and I know that Stef is not the victim here but the double standards are something else- he’s getting piled on for this, but where was this energy for all the times when he was made fun of for being from a poorer country, or he’s been mocked for being too soft and sensitive (and then people will ask why there aren’t any out gay players, I mean there’s your answer)

Again I kind of feel bad for this because absolutely Stef deserves criticism for this, but it’s so transparent that most people only ‘care’ because they don’t like him and now they have an excuse. Like there was a Med fan on twitter making fun of Stef for flopping a bit this year (even though he’s been injured for a chunk of it) and just??? Is this really the time? Stef is rightly being criticised but this person is just using it as an excuse to shit on someone they don’t like? Rightly or wrongly if it was Casper or Andrey or anyone generally well liked who’d said it no one would care

But Stef did post on social media earlier apologising and trying to explain what he meant, and while it was definitely clumsy, he’s clearly gone to the effort of writing it himself instead of sending a shiny PR apology and I think that’s a good thing. Like I say, I’m honestly not trying to defend it (even though it was pretty clear what he meant in the first place) but the double standards and hypocrisy really bother me

I literally saw someone say that Stef may as well have said a racial slur or ‘wE dOnT wAnT bLaCk PeOpLe In ThIs SpOrT’ and that was certainly a reach- absolutely criticise him for what he did say, but let’s not pretend that he did that

At least Break Point is a flop lol

[proship-bill]

I understand the sentiment that shipping-neutral people have of "shipping discourse is meaningless outside of the internet" because to a degree they're right, but 1) that doesn't mean it isn't an issue worth talking about, and 2) antis are still more than happy to ruin you by doxxing you, encouraging you to self harm or commit suicide, calling up your place of work to accuse you of possessing CSEM, sending you triggering content, and using slurs and hateful language, because they somehow think it's justified to do all that over some drawings and/or fanfics they think are yucky. And all that isn't even taking into account how badly they wanna censor everything, how they're essentially the brand new "comics and video games are turning the children into violent murderers."

So while it's true that to the average person doesn't give a fuck about shipping discourse, and that not everybody has to fall neatly onto one side or the other, it's not the discourse itself that worries me. I think I speak for a lot of pro-shippers when I say that the actual concern we have is the harassment that antis love to participate in so much. The reason I say that being an anti is synonymous with being pro-harassment is because you can't really separate the two. You might be an anti that chooses not to harass anyone, but you still sit at the anti-shipping table with people who condone and often endorse harassment. Antis who say "oh but I don't agree with the harassment" don't do anything more proactive than just ignoring the harassment when it happens, so it runs absolutely rampant in anti-shipping circles and has abso-fucking-lutely become the expectation and the standard for how antis interact with pro-shippers (and shipping-neutral people as well).

It's been said before, but if you find yourself thinking "these ships with upsetting elements to them make me uncomfortable, but I know that they're not real and the people who ship them aren't doing so because it reflects the kinds of things they want to happen in real life, and being a hateful piece of shit to them is wrong" you are very likely not an anti but shipping-neutral and that's ok (although antis typically harbor a lot of animosity towards shipping-neutral people as well so welcome to the club). If you're thinking "I would never personally go harass someone over their disgusting yucky problematic ships, but it's ok if other people do because clearly those freaks deserve it", maybe consider fucking off.