#the killer wasn’t someone we had met prior though he was still an interesting character

[moyurukoda]

If I see a morally grey, self destructive, pathetic middle aged man I will put him in my brain and make him my entire personality. Every goddamn time

[gta5-catlady-ao3]

Things we might have forgotten in GTA5

In many fanfics scoping the internet, I had to compile a list of things some players tend to forget. Many of them are small, but others are pretty good for character enhancements, I hope you enjoy it! 

(Also most of them are about Trevor lmao, but I tried to stretch it for all of them)

Franklin went to prison prior to the events of the game causing him to want to reevaluate his life and eventually getting a real job with Lamar. 

Michael was a football quarterback in his youth.

Trevor played hockey and golf growing up. 

Trevor had a brother (named Ryan) who disappeared under mysterious circumstances, some believing Trevor had been the root behind it, but nothing was proven. 

Both Michael and Trevor where criminals from the beginning, but Michael had been the one who influenced Trevor first. Leading to the infamous story of the flare gun in someone’s eye. They both got sick and threw up after disposing the body.

Amanda had been a stripper and it’s hinted that her name had been Krystal. Michael had met her at a strip club and bought her plastic surgery to enhance her boobs. 

Trevor has tattoos on his hands. A pentagram on the back of his right hand, a scorpion at the bridge of his right thumb, a skull on the back of his left hand, and a pair of pilot wings on the bridge of his left thumb. Also the words “Fuck You” written on his knuckles. (I believe he’s also the only character to have in-canon tattoos without the influence of the player) 

Franklin’s dad had been abusive and left before Franklin was even born. Franklin’s mother had also turned to cocaine and died when he was very young leaving him with his grandparents until they too died, leaving him with his aunt. 

Trevor was prepared to kill an officer when he finds out cops had racially profiled Franklin. Despite Franklin taking it as a joke, Trevor is still disgusted.

Michael calls Franklin “son” many times in the story line solidifying the father-son dynamic they shared and proving that Trevor had been correct by saying Franklin was “the son he never had.” 

Trevor actually didn’t like Brad, confessing to Franklin (while drunk) that Brad wasn’t the best and he was only going to leave with him since Michael could no longer pull jobs. 

Michael and Amanda grew up in a trailer park somewhere in the mid-west, most likely North Yankton. While Trevor grew up on the Canadian-American border. 

Trevor had been there for the birth of Michael’s kids, coming to even be known as “Uncle T” by his kids. (This is pretty common, but it’s cute, can you imagine the fics around this time???)

Franklin is never seen wearing purple, the rival gang’s colors as homage to his own affiliation. (He wears mainly green, but every store you take him will never actually give you a choice to buy anything in purple.) 

Trevor is very intelligent. He’s not a stupid hick, he’s excellent at math and even shows how he can pull off whole heists (successfully too) without help.

Michael is a sharpshooter, which means he’s excellent at darts. 

Trevor has track marks up and down his arms, and he also has a cut scar right above his stomach, though it’s never implied on what the cut scar had been from. 

Franklin is still in love with his ex-girlfriend despite her announcement of an engagement, he has a photo of the two of them in his bedroom at his aunt’s house. 

Michael’s son, Jimmy, had been a baseball player sometime in his youth.

Tracy knows how to bake.

All three protagonists smoke cigarettes (as there are packs throughout the character’s bedrooms and homes), but you only ever see Michael light up a cigar. 

Trevor is a serial killer. Known for taking drifters and hitchhikers. 

Michael is the only character to graduate high school, Franklin had been expelled, and Trevor dropped out. 

After GTA:5, Trevor moves to LS and became a “lifestyle coach,” but it’s still hinted he is still in the drug business.

Trevor’s mom in Mrs. Philips, had most likely been some form of hallucination, as it’s implied that she may have died, or was still in prison. 

None of the character’s family, other than Trevor’s brother, Ryan, have been named. 

Trevor tends to be interested in older women.

Michael should still have a scar from being shot all those years ago, but I can’t find it nor is there proof of it online. 

If I remember more I’ll post a part 2 :)

[ap93mcu]

Delicate

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Warnings: implied smut (not detailed), alcohol consumption, mild language and terrible 1st timers writing. 

Word Count: 2,960

Thanks to my girl @notimeforthemessenger for totally talking me through this!! I obviously do not own any rights to the song but your girl has some killer lyrics and I couldn’t get this plot out of my head :) I hope ya’ll enjoy!

This ain't for the best My reputation's never been worse, so You must like me for me We can't make Any promises now, can we, babe? But you can make me a drink

 You took a deep breath as you sat down at the busy bar. Looking around the room at your fellow cast mates you tried to feel proud. You finally did it, your first movie had released and you knew by the end of the week it would smash the box office. So why we’re anything but happy? Probably because you spent your week answering more questions about the scandal that surrounded your previous relationship than you did about the upcoming movie. You weren’t happy, your co-stars weren’t happy, your producers weren’t happy and Disney certainly was not happy with you. Anything that clouded the release of the movie was a negative and you were worried that they were going to write off your character in the upcoming movie. Your success would only peak at the single Marvel movie you completed because you were certain to be blacklisted from any other companies if Disney dropped you.

Smoothing the beautiful green dress along your stomach you found yourself feeling more alone than when you first read the TMZ headline accusing you of cheating on your long-term boyfriend. This week was anything but blissful and busy like you expected it. You found yourself wrapped in this love triangle. Taking another breath in, you plastered on a fake smile at the incoming bartender.

“Vodka soda, top shelf and double the lime, please.”

“Make that two, please.” The familiar voice brought a genuine smile to your face. You looked over your shoulder and you were met with dark brown eyes. His smile made your stomach do a tiny flip and you mentally started cursing yourself. Now is not the time.

“I didn’t see you as a vodka soda type of guy. I thought you liked beer.”

“I figured that if a beautiful girl like you drank them then they can’t be half bad.” Tom smirked and you never noticed just how cute it was that his eyes wrinkled at the corner. No, stop. Your agent said to steer clear until this mess passed. The bartender sat the drinks in front of you two and before you could say anything next Tom handed him cash for them. You lowered your head and shook it back and forth.

“You really shouldn’t be over here with me Tom. I don’t want you mixed up in all of this.” You whispered and his face softened a bit. Tom raised his eyebrow up at you and let out scoff.

“Is that why you are over here alone? Your worried about any of us being mixed into this? You were just in a fucking Avengers movie. Nothing that is going on out there should be bothering you tonight. This is your moment. Do not let them ruin it for you.” He smiled and stood up. Quickly he pulled you off the barstool and started to pull you towards the crowd.

‘Wh….What are you doing?” You could barely get out all while grabbing your drink off the bar with your free hand. Tom turned around towards you and motioned his head towards the dance floor.

“We are going to go dance with Sebastian and Chris because this is our night and we are going to enjoy it.” The blush instantly creeped to your cheeks and you were certain that he could see it even in the dim lighting. Biting at your bottom lip you nodded and smiled up at him letting him pull you onto the dance floor.

For the first time that week you weren’t thinking about the tabloids and the media. All you could think about was the cheeky brit dancing beside you.

 Dive bar on the East Side, where you at? Phone lights up my nightstand in the black Come here, you can meet me in the back Dark jeans and your Nikes, look at you Oh damn, never seen that color blue Just think of the fun things we could do 'Cause I like you

 Eight long weeks went by and the tabloids started to mention your name less and less. You moved out and you were starting to get use to your new norm. You loved absolutely every aspect of your new apartment, your new life, and the new consistency of a particular boy. With your shooting schedules and your new low-key lifestyle, it had been about three weeks since you had last seen him in person. After a long day of table readings for your new movie, you changed into sweats and a t-shirt and then let your bed consume you. You were halfway through your 3rd episode of Gossip Girl for the night when your phone lit up on your night stand. Confused you reached for your phone and quickly smiled when you saw the name that lit up your screen. Thomas.

I thought I’d surprise you but the guys are telling me you’re a homebody now and that you turn them down every time they ask you to come out. So, my plan failed. Come out with us pretty girl.

You sighed and replied before even realizing what was happening.

I don’t know…

Laying low was something you had grown comfortable with. The thought of going out in public with friends made your anxiety spike. Wanting to see him outweighed all of that though. You had a big smile plastered on your face. Something that only happened when you talked to Tom or someone brought him up.  He wanted to surprise you bitch, YOU, go. Ping

Get your ass here 😉

Where are you at?

East Side. The Know Where Bar. You can meet me in the back and I’ll sneak you in.

Ah, low key. A boy after my heart. I’ll be there in 20.

 ***

One hour and three quick drinks in you were feeling pretty good. The bar was dead except for Tom, Haz, Jacob, Seb and you. Jacob and Seb were in a pretty heated game of darts so that left you, Haz and Tom to talk among yourselves.

“So, Spiderman, are you going to give us details about this new movie you’re shooting. Marvel barely gives me my own script so they pretty much laugh in my face if I ask about anything else.” I giggled as Tom threw his hands up.

“Don’t ask me these type of things. You know I can’t keep secrets, especially from you.” Tom made direct eye contact with you as he spoke the last three words and took a sip of his beer. You winked at him and pulled at the wrapper of your beer. No one could make you blush like he did.

“Fuck me, yeah? I’m sitting right here you two. I’ll go get another round and let you love birds have your moment.” Haz flipped you both off as he walked away which made you a Tom laugh. You finally had your happy place although you knew it was still too soon after the chaos you created. Everything was so fresh and this would for sure light a fire in the media. Any sight of just the two of you together could end whatever this was before it even started.

You felt Tom’s index finger wrap around your pinky and your eyes shot up to him. You hadn’t realized that you guys were sitting in silence as you were just stuck in your own thoughts. He half smiled and squeezed your pinky. The alcohol was taking over and you were starting to feel braver than normal.

“What’s on your mind, love?” He asked and he was genuinely interested. You bit your bottom lip and internally battled about what your next words were going to be.

“You know I did it right?” You weren’t sure if he could even hear you because you said it so softly. Half of you was hoping he didn’t. This wasn’t something you really planned on discussing tonight. You just wanted to be with him and your friends. Tom furrowed his eyebrows confused at first but once he saw the look of regret on your face he knew instantly what you were talking about.

“When saw your face the night of the premier I knew it was true. It’s not my place to judge what you did and it was never a deal breaker for me. I wanted you to come out with it on your own when you were ready.” It sounded like he was trying to pick the right words to say as his beer bottle suddenly became the most interesting thing in the room. Tom wasn’t being pushy but you knew he wanted to know more. It might not have been a deal breaker but it was something that would be in the back of his mind.

“That’s not me. Well, I guess it was me. I missed him at the time. I felt so alone and we didn’t really work well with distance. We weren’t good at communicating and I found out he was texting his ex and I just snapped. Things were bad before I left to film and they just got worse. There is really no excuse and I feel so guilty about it still. It’s almost ruined every part of my life and if I could change it I would. I am just working on how to move forward,” He nodded, knowing about the issues in your relationship prior. Sebastian and you were good friends and you knew that Tom was also good friends with Seb. There were many times where they would find you on the side of the set wiping your eyes and trying to hide from them that you were crying.  None of that justified what you did but you were hoping he could work through it. You took a deep breath and let the alcohol take complete control, “I really, really like you Tom.”

“Sebastian is a cheater and I want my money back.” Jacob came back to the table pouting and you heard Sebastian behind him howl.

“He’s just a big baby and he sucks at darts. Whose next?” Sebastian looked back and forth between you and Tom and the look on his face instantly changed. He knew you wanted to talk to Tom about what happened but he didn’t think you would do it here. Your stomach flipped and you started to feel sick. You said too much. Why did you do that?

“I’ll be back soon you guys. I need some fresh air.” You slid out of the booth and went straight for the back door. Feeling the cold air hit your body was refreshing but it didn’t help your nausea. You leaned up against the smooth stone of the building and put your head in your hands.

 Is it cool that I said all that? Is it chill that you're in my head? 'Cause I know that it's delicate (delicate) Is it cool that I said all that Is it too soon to do this yet? 'Cause I know that it's delicate

It felt like eternity had passed when you heard the door creak open. You peaked through your fingers and groaned loudly when you saw Tom smiling at you.

“Quit looking at me like that. Can we just pretend I didn’t say any of that? I take it all back.”

“Are you sure you want to do that?” He removed your hands from your face and replaced them with his own, forcing you to look at up him, “I was really hoping you meant it.”

“Yeah?” You bit your bottom lip and it was his turn to let out a groan. He used his thumb to pull your lip away from your teeth. He leaned in and the thick air of Los Angeles was taken over by his aftershave. You couldn’t help but let it consume you and the overwhelming feeling of alcohol buzzed in your head.

“I really, really like you too.” Tom mumbled against your lips before he fully engulfed them with his. The kiss felt like it lasted forever and if you were being honest you wouldn’t have been mad if it did. He pulled away and you felt your throat let out a whine but before you could interject fully he continued, “I think we have a lot to work through but I want to do this if you want to. We should probably keep it under wraps for a bit though, even though I don’t want to.” You nodded. There was nothing to argue about because you felt the same way. He wrapped his arms around your waist, pulled you against him and kissed your forehead.

“How long are you in town?”

“Not long enough,” Tom said dejectedly, “Buuuuut, we start filming in London the beginning of July. I have a break at the end of the month and you should fly in. I know a place at the edge of the city.”

“Hmm, I do like the sound of that. I think I can clear my schedule for you but, until then, we should head back inside. I believe Mr. Osterfield has a fresh drink waiting on me.” You winked and kissed him quickly before walking back to the boys. Your ears were met with the whistles and excited yells from Jacob, Haz and Sebastian. You couldn’t wipe the smile off your face if you tried.

 Third floor on the West Side, me and you Handsome, your mansion with a view Do the girls back home touch you like I do? Long night, with your hands up in my hair Echoes of your footsteps on the stairs Stay here, honey, I don't wanna share 'Cause I like you

 The sunlight hit your face and you rolled over not ready for last night to end. When Tom said he knew of a place you didn’t know he meant his place. You were taken aback because it was nothing like your apartment but yet it still had the same comfortable feeling. It didn’t take long for you to get settled or for him to make you feel at home. Craving his touch again you reached across the bed and were met with a cold sheet. You opened one eye, still not wanting to let the feel of the previous night go, and confirmed he was missing. Sitting up, you looked over and noticed he was on his balcony shirtless, pacing, and talking on the phone. Wrapping the white sheet around your body you glided across the room to the glass door.

“No, this is my weekend off. I can’t do it today.” He was angry. You had never heard him use that tone before and you were thankful it wasn’t directed towards you. Tom was so caught up in his conversation he hadn’t heard you open the door. You were thankful for this because you couldn’t help but admire the definition of his shoulders and back. Slowly, you walked up behind him and wrapped your arms around his waist making sure you feel every curve and indentions of his muscles along the way. Leaving a few scarce kisses along his spine, you leaned your head against his bare back. He relaxed at your touch and wrapped his open hand around yours. You caressed the sensitive skin just below his belly button with the hand he left free and you started to feel him tense again. You smiled before realizing it wasn’t because of you and you grimaced when you heard his harsh tone return, “I heard you. Give me an hour and I will be there.” Tom angrily sat down his phone and took a deep breath. After a moment of just enjoying your embrace he twisted around in your arms. Your hands found their new home on his lower back and he found his once again entangled in your hair. Except this time his hands were filled with comfort and not need, massaging the back of your scalp. You closed your eyes and leaned into his touch.

“I take it you’re gonna have to leave me?” You opened your eyes to see his frown and unfortunately that answered your question.

“Just for a bit, love. They want to rewrite a part of the script so they need my input. I told them it could wait until we are back filming next week but what Disney wants Disney gets.” He leaned down and rubbed his nose slowly against yours before placing a lingering kiss on your lips.

“…And what if I don’t want to share you?” You whispered against his lips. He let out a dark laugh and you quickly found his lips on your neck. Small nips giving you déjà vu of the night before. A moan escaped your lips and you felt his hands grip the back of your thighs. You quickly recognized his command and jumped up, wrapping your legs around his waist. He traced his lips from your neck, up your jaw, and then once again to your swollen lips.

“It’s only an hour and then I am all yours again for the next two days. When I get back we can have a rerun of last night, yeah?” You hummed in agreement as he carried you over to the bed and laid you down. Hovering over you, his eyes couldn’t help but wander. Tom threw his head back and let out a whine, “Fuck it. I told them to give me an hour. I can be late.”

This ain't for the best My reputation's never been worse, so You must like me for me Yeah, I want you

[nerdylittleshit]

Thoughts about Spn 14x03

SPOILERS AHEAD! BEWARE!

Soooooooooooooooo, another great episode. This week I think the balance between character focus and plot was more equal, after two very character driven episode. Though I do like the slow development of the plot so far. There are two minor things I want to complain about: first I wished we would have seen more of the Wayward Girls, aka Claire, Patience and Alex, instead of just mentioning them. Second: CAS AND JODY STILL HAVEN’T MET! How is that even possible? But maybe we should be careful for what we wish for, because we demanded for years for Cas and Charlie to meet and when they finally did Charlie died an episode later.

Anyway. There is a lot to unpack again, so as always, let’s take a closer look.

Angry AF

Hey, I didn't mean…  I didn't mean to be a dick.

So let’s start with the man of the hour: Dean. Oh how we missed you and your snark (btw I love Sam’s beard and so does Jody, and that is really all that matters). There is a whole lot of unanswered question concerning Michael and the episode doesn’t even try to answer them, because as for now they are not important. Important is Dean and what Michael did to him. Dean is, as other Kaia noted, scared, but to him fear translates into anger, because that is the only way he has learned to deal with it. He acts like a man possessed (oh the irony), and wants to skip to the end of the story where he kills Michael. Which is such an interesting meta commentary, because the show tells us that it will take some time until we get some answers, that both Dean and the audience have to muddle through what this possession made of him, until we get the big showdown. This is really just the start, and we can’t skip ahead to the end. And this makes me think we might get entire season that is more interested in its characters than the plot, than instead of the multiple story arcs we had in prior season we really just get one big story this season and that it takes some time to tell it. Which makes me really excited.

The most interesting part to me was Dean’s confrontation with the other Kaia. She noted the similarities between Dean and Michael, how they both run on threats and violence. And the episode before already asked us the question if the connection between angel and vessel isn’t just the bloodline, but a similarity in character as well. 14x02 left it open for interpretation if it was Nick who had killed his family, if he might have been a monster even before Lucifer made him one. This week we saw how very alike Dean and Michael are, at least from Kaia and other Kaia’s perspective. Kaia experienced Dean as a violent man, as someone she was afraid of. We do know that while Dean has a dark side that there is more to him, we do get the full picture, whereas Kaia only saw a glimpse. Is it possible than that (arch)angels feed on the worst version of their vessels? Or simply bring out the features similar to them? Michael and Lucifer then, sinister creatures, fed on both Nick and Michael’s dark side, whereas Cas, the angel with too much heart, was influenced by Jimmy’s kindness and his wish to do the right thing? I always found the relationship between vessels and angels very interesting and it seems this season will give us a few new insides on it.

The other thing that has changed is of course Dean’s home, the bunker. Naturally Dean will need some time to get used to all the people there, and that they see Sam as their leader. In contrast to that the scene where Dean commanded Cas to get in his head seemed almost intimate, just the core three of them. And speaking of Cas, it seemed to me that there was some sort of distance between Dean and Cas, despite Dean allowing Cas to get in his head. There was no reunion hug (Jack got one), and Dean was very quick to agree that Cas should look after Lora. It was like Dean tried to put some walls up, but then he did the same thing around Sam, so it might not be specific related to Cas. I’m curious to see how their next interaction will be.

There is also still the mystery of the spear, what it is exactly and why it could hurt Michael (and possibly kill him). Do Archangels exist in every universe and could that been an Archangel weapon? How did other Kaia got it? And what is her plan/motivation?

Also, the modified vampires knew that Dean was Dean again, and no longer Michael, so can monsters sense angels? (Was that mentioned at some point?)

We end the episode with Dean once again drowning in guilt, thinking it is his fault alone that Michael got the chance to hurt people. Guilty Dean is known for not always making the best choices, so we have to wait to see where this gets us.

Wayward AF

I just feel like I sort of already lost before I ever began.

As I mentioned before I wish we would have seen more of the Wayward Girls, because I love their interactions, both with Jody and each other, but I take what I can get. The Wayward story is now intervened with the Michael story through other Kaia and her weapon. I don’t think that was the original plan for Wayward Sisters, as they probably would have a myth-arc independent from Supernatural, but this way it means we are definitely going to see them again, and they will (hopefully) play a bigger role this season. And Jody and Cas might actually meet, though it seemed on the phone like they do know each other (though it is possible they only know each through phone conversations, because I do hope they didn’t had their first meeting off camera already).

One of the big things we can take away from this episode is that Dreamhunter has been confirmed canon. I think Bobo confirmed after 13x10 that Dreamhunter is definitely a thing, but still it is good it is canon now, especially as it wasn’t necessary for the plot to make them romantic. Claire’s guilt over Kaia could be still as intense without her having romantic feelings, but they still went there. Which I will use to talk briefly about Destiel, because we can’t talk about the one without the other. Or we could have if Wayward Sisters would have become its own show, because then Dreamhunter would have no longer be related to Destiel, as they would have both appeared on separate shows. And sure the CW has a thing for spin-offs or shows that share the same universe (Arrowverse) but those shows usually don’t parallel each other. But unfortunately Wayward Sisters isn’t its own show, but for now part of Supernatural, and because of that Dreamhunter do mirror Destiel. And Bobo knows that because he put in those parallels deliberate in 13x10, and Dabb knows it as well, so I take that as a win on the Destiel front.

I liked that we got to know other Kaia a bit better. She is not a monster, and she might even become an ally to the Winchesters and their fight against Michael. I wonder though why she wanted to kill Claire. She confirms that she and our Kaia were connected, because they were both Dreamwalkers. Does that mean she was aware of what our Kaia felt for Claire? And if so, why would she kill Claire? What is her goal? There are too many questions surrounding her character for her not to come back, and I do hope we will see Claire again and her reaction to other Kaia.

And lastly, that quote of Jody I put up there: in show Jody talks about her grief about losing Kaia before she even got to know her, but from outside this is Bobo talking about losing his show before it even started, about the characters he loves so much, and the meaningful stories they were meant to tell us. Those lines and Kim acting them so brilliantly was a huge F*ck You towards the CW, showing us the kind of depth Wayward Sisters could have had, and making me longing for this show even more. I hope they shove in as much of Wayward Sisters into the show as they can, but I’m still very bitter about everything we could have had and that we don’t get to see.

Nougat AF

Well what you did today, you just made me so proud.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwww Jack (that is just my usual reaction whenever I see him). Seems like he didn’t listen at all when Cas told him last episode to find value in his own, but never mind, this week’s case will do the trick. Obviously Lora functioned as a Jack mirror in a not that subtle way. She ran away from home, because she was sick of being treated as a child, the same way Jack planed to leave, because of how Sam, Dean and Cas have treated him. So far the mirror works. But then Lora met a witch, a witch that was at first kind, but then she locked her up, and started to steal her youth, which then resulted in Lora’s (temporally) death. We know that Sam, Dean and Cas have been kind to Jack, have fed him, and also currently locked him up for his own safety. And in the end Jack starts to wither away in some way, the way Lora did. But it wouldn’t make a lot of sense if Sam, Dean and Cas would be the witch in this story, so who is? Someone we already met or someone in the future? Why is Jack’s health deteriorating? Is it a result of the spell the witch used on Lora? Does it have other origins? And how can we help him? Just after jack realized that he can help other people without his powers, that there are many ways to be useful, after Cas offered him a hunting trip. I can’t deal with Jack being sick, he is my sweet Nougat child.

Some other things:

Speaking of Jack, he referred to Cas as one of his dads, contracting the statement from last week that Kelly’s family is the only real family he has left. But also, from Lora’s perspective, who doesn’t know who or what Jack is and his relationship to the Winchesters, this sounds like Jack has two gay dads… which you know is actually true.

I love that the show didn’t forget about Sam’s weird obsession with serial killers.

They have a bottom drawer marked “gross stuff”. Of course they have.

Obviously Posh Spice is Michael’s favourite Spice Girl.

[thorsdiana]

Tell me aaaaaall about Sofya, Helena, Valerie, and Kiara. Put it under a cut if you have to!! I want all the tea!!!

ahhh i love you so much jen!!! you really came through for me ��💖 okay this is gonna get hella long so i’m gonna put my answers under the cut bc there’s just so much i gotta say!!

SOFYA VOLKOVA

so here’s the tea on sofya volkova! her story is called “budapest” she’s paired up with my queen, natasha romanoff. and her story is full of sadness lol. on new years day in 1937 (aka her 9th birthday), her parents who were well respected scientists for the soviet union were killed in her home and she witnessed their death. she was later taken in by a name named viktor grankin, who encouraged her to join the red room academy under the idea that she could one day get revenge for her parents’ death. it’s during this time that she meets natalia romanova, and the two often clashed that lasted nearly a decade. but they eventually came to respect one another as assassins and eventually led to a relationship that remained hidden from their handlers.

viktor grankin was her handler during her time and he set her on missions that they believed would lead her to her parents’ killer. she would later earn the alias “sparrow” which was given to her by viktor himself. during one mission, she learned that the man behind her parents’ death was none other than viktor. she tried to take him out but failed, but she faked her death (also ending her relationship with natasha) and remained in hiding as she worked up a plan to ruin viktor and kill him. 

she was inspired by the infamous line in the avengers where natasha and clint mention budapest. and since we don’t know what happens, i decided to make sofya and she’s the budapest mission lol. basically clint and natasha get word of a dangerous assassin that they’re meant to take out, and nat is SHOOK bc her old girlfriend is alive and well but also dead set on killing viktor (who basically was given something similar to natasha and sofya). 

her story is so sad bc she’s lost so much and was used by viktor for 21 years. and in order to get her revenge, she had to leave the only person she’s loved since her parents??? and now she’s like a stranger in natasha’s eyes but natasha doesn’t want to lose her again?? i love angst lol!!

HELENA HARTLEY

here’s the tea on my mom, helena hartley! her story is called “second chances”. so’s a revived oc of mine from yeeears ago and i think i love her a lot more now than i did before lol. but she’s the ex-girlfriend of tony stark and the mother of the beautiful lauren stark. she met tony back in 1990 at a science convention and she honestly couldn’t stand him but he always flirted with her and it was cute as heck. they clashed a lot on ideas but they also really enjoyed the bickering?? and formed an interesting friendship. but after the death of tony’s parents, helena was always there for him and something more bloomed.

tony didn’t admit his feelings until like 1992. tony was always supportive of helena’s dreams of being an engineer and even got her a job at stark industries. their relationship resulted in the birth of their daughter in 2001, but they never got married. there were also a LOT of cute dad!tony moments like he spoiled lauren to the point where her only way to sleep was on someone’s chest and listening to their heartbeat. or he loved mentioning her whenever he could during an interview bc he was so proud!!

but tony was prone to self-desctruction and it put a strain on their relationship that eventually ended in 2005. but despite their breakup, they always made sure lauren wasn’t too negatively affected and remained coordial for her sake. helena left stark industries and became an engineer at northrop grumman. but when tony needs help making the jericho missile, the first person he wants on his team is helena (but honestly it’s partially bc he misses her and is still in love with her).

their story is gonna be filled with angst (especially during the iron man movies) bc helena is trying to date other men but tony keeps finding his way back into her life, then tony goes missing and it messes up helena AND lauren (who’s like really young during this time so OW) and then when tony becomes iron man and how lauren is constantly worried about her dad.

i’ve also planned to have helena being an inhuman but it doesn’t get found out until later. and her power was going to be technology manipulation bc i didn’t want her to be a full on hero but have something a little different.

VALERIE BYERS

um so i really love my time traveling bby girl!! she’s one of the three main characters of my fic, “timeless,” and the other main characters are my cyborg bby boy jai graham (who was created by the queen shuri herself) and sarah wilson, who’s the younger sister of sam wilson. so valerie is the only child of tony stark and her mother was an old girlfriend of his named susan byers. their relationship was never liked among susan’s parents and though it ended, susan found out that she was pregnant but never told tony. in fact, valerie never found out about tony being her father until she was 15.

valerie would try to find ways to meet tony, such as going to different conventions he held or was a guest at. but after the battle of new york, she realized how much she needed her father. her mom was paralyzed during the event and it wasn’t until valerie was 20 when susan finally passed. valerie then made it her business to get a job at stark industries, which she luckily did. she would work under tony, but never tell him the fact that she was his daughter.

but due to the events of infinity war, and tony is believed to have died after last being seen going into space, and the avengers fail to save the world from thanos, valerie’s life goes to shit. 

since “timeless” is basically one big au and my own spin on infinity war, thanos actually takes control of earth after the big snap and the chitauri still roam earth. it’s kinda like an apocalyptic setting and humans aren’t as free to do much and the chitauri controls a lot of what happens???

but anyway, valerie meets jai and sarah when she’s out looking for scraps to build stuff and jai and sarah and they come up with the idea fo build a time machine and valerie is the perfect brain needed for the job to help create it. their plan is to go back to different points in time to assist the avengers and stop them from breaking up (bc they believe them being apart was a downfall) and try to find the infinity stones and destroy them so thanos can’t get his hands on them.

and they all lost something in the war; valerie lost her father, jai lost his creator/mother (he really never got to meet her bc she died and her last thing she did was setting him free), and sarah lost her brother who turned to ash. but one happy thing is that valerie is paired up with jai but they’re gonna be hella cute and make s.carlet.vision look like nothing compared to them lmaoo. 

KIARA WILLIAMS

finally, we have my pretty bird kiara! her story is “icarus” and i created her maybe a year or two ago??? she was inspired by the line where sam mentions wanting to impress the lady who worked at the va, and kiara is that lady!! she’s got a younger sister named layla and kiara is also an inhuman (the mcu has ignored them and i love them so i gotta include them lol). her father, raymond, is also an inhuman and he brought her to afterlife where she got the help after going through terrigenesis in her early teen years and gained the power of wing manifestation. when she finally returned to society, her relationship with layla was strained, but they’ve been working hard on fixing it.

she tried her best to live a normal life, getting a job as a receptionist at the va in washington dc and eventually meeting sam wilson (who she’d admire from a distance lol). but when steve rogers comes in and plays a wingman for sam, they start to become friends that eventually leads to something more. 

kiara eventually becomes an avenger and gains the alias “icarus” thanks to a cute interaction she had with sam years prior. basically when it was believed that shield attacked afterlife (which kiara just so happened to be at the moment) kiara was hit in the line of fire and barely made it out with her life and it’s that day when sam finds out about her being an inhuman and her powers. he’s really sweet and helps her heal and he makes a joke saying “i guess icarus flew too close to the sun” and it’s just been her nickname ever since.

[beraldathevalkyrie-blog]

Heading back; Snow.

“We made it lil’ one...” -Voice of Beralda

Within the where about of a cavern, the shadows lit upon wings overstretched the far reaches of the back where light were just barely shining from an oil lamp at the side. A Valkyrie it appeared out of her elements, sat cross legged by the fire with her newly acquired journal she had been given in her one day’s worth of travel. Silver accents upon her feathers from the wings were a lit with many small messages that glowered every so often in a lovely bluish color. A quill made from gryphon feather were brushed over pages, leathered in texture. Almost papyrus, but different style. 

“This place is surreal, almost another part of this Eorzea I’ve not yet experienced in quite sometime having the Garlean designs as intricate patterns here. I search in time for Bodvar and Aelfred. Aelfred mostly, nick named Stetson due for his favorite hat he adorns. He’s another half-breed I've come across in the few months I’ve been here. The others are Elezen’s mostly. Knife-ears as others call them. This writing a ‘journal’ theme seems to help soothe my mind, so. I will start off with. I am Lady Beralda, Valkyrie. Shield Maiden of the North, to the Clan of Wolf. 

My home is much North of here, within the ‘legend’ place apparently as I’ve been told, Halls of Valhalla. The Aesir are her people. ‘Her’ being the homelands of Asgard. I know, muchly known at the mythical place of others but here I am writing in a journal just to be away from this civilization of Eorzean citizens. Mostly Ul’dah. I stopped at this place call Camp Bluefog? Yes, odd name, but I’m here. With a small pup that followed me out from these caverns. I’ve yet to name him, but his spirit is strong. He is a young Wolf, that much I can see forth of his features and the way he carries his stride. A good traveling companion since I do not have my Gryphon. Bodvar. That is another...story itself.”

(Picture of Beralda and said Wolf pup right in the corner.)

The picture were placed within the journal taken a sketch of her as well the wolf pup earlier. The Valkyrie smiled, running her fingers over it before going back to her writings; 

“I’ve managed to talk to others here, about the where about of Aelfred. No signs of him this way, only through Ul’dah. Do I strive myself back there to the city-state to face the others yet? No. With or without my gryphon I will be heading North none the matter. There is a place called Camp Dragonhead I can go to, right outside of Ishgard. The home city to these knife-ears here. Some of them are kindly, I’ve met one actually that befriended quickly over Mead. Others...Not so much. The people here at the camp are to say the least...Colorful, if anything.

They strive to protect what they have here away from the Imperials. Little do they know, I once served on a vessel to get here for a long time. Learn the ways through them. That will be for another journal posting. Imperials that recruit Eorzeans into their ranks have little knowledge of what they were getting themselves into. I pity them, all of them. Including the footsoldiers of the Imperial Army. Everyone has a life. Everyone has a standard. My hatred for them is long gone after almost killing one that turned out to be a child no less. Barely in their summer years.

The Moon here rarely shines on the tavern here to which bunks to a Lalafell, two other patrons and a few more. They share beds or take turns through out the night to rest. A trust squadron. We did this back home when watching out for enemies through the raids we’ve done if I were not picking through Einherjar to bring forth to Odin. So many countless battles...

My sword and shield are still no where to be found, but this sword I have currently serves me proper. Given to me a by traveler that died on my first arrival here known as Coerthas Western Highlands. The gates were impeccable to go through, but once through is where I came upon this land. I am heading back there, to hunt and live perhaps for awhile. I don’t know yet, it’s my destination for the time being while in search of my gryphon and his current rider. Perhaps my sword and shield will pop up on the way North. I pray to the gods it does.

I wonder how my friends are foregoing in their nature after realizing some emotions that I’ve never had before. I need to clear my mind, my heart. Though I fear for them without me around, what am I to do? Asatolf, I’ve asked to watch over my good friend the Elder Monk Singing Ocean. While Rothgar I’ve packed my things from mostly and left in a hurry after assurance of leaving something behind at Yrsa’s. That woman of truth norse blood. Halone’s Priestess she is, as is she shall be. She is a Warrior, but a good woman, good heart. Means well. Rothgar? Well, he is a sweetheart of one, but some exchanged words made me realize that perhaps a friend were right. I am not meant for here. His wife as well himself share a housing that is much reminding me of Doman. It’s lovely.

Asatolf is a Baker as well a Monk. He has a wonderful home with a luxurious hot tub he spends most of his time within to clear his thoughts after a stressful day. He knows many friends, but at the same his heart is heavy as is his peace. He looks to me always with affection that I cannot give back due for oath. Of heart of gold, as well good manners. The Jotun is always welcomed in my book.

Yrsa is a woman of gratitude, beauty but stubborn. Comical in some ways, one of the first I’ve come to known in this land. A hot head like myself but welcomed me in her home first before any. I lived there with one other which I’m about to get to. She’s a long hall that is not visible really to those around, however seen clear as day if one knew where to look. Also a deputy with the Flames, which I were gracious of. She’s been a help more than any, if not one of my closest friends. A woman of home I can relate to.

Aelfred, or Stetson I like to call him for nickname really is a character. He brings out the best in folk that others cannot see with pestering them. A kindred that made me stop in tracks upon first walk in the Quicksands reminding me of someone. Though, that wasn’t ever the case. There’s a connection there I know of, but won’t write here. Perhaps it’s my mentality. He’s the one with my gryphon right now, however; after what Yrsa spoke to me, I’d rather a word with him to get my Bodvar back. I raised that feathered beast from an egg. I doubt he’d sell my gryphon but who knows?...He’s the half-breed I mentioned earlier also. The red haired one with open coat few have spoken to the last couple of days. I’ve gotten hints of his where about but he seems to frequent the city state when I’m not there. If one does see him, He’s always with cigar in hand, drinking Mead. Looks for Miqo’te tail to cut off wanting all the colors. As well tosses out Elezen out of the bar. There’s more here, but I’ll leave that for another section of journal entry.

Rothgar, helping in killer of the Siren, my dear friend. Or at least I thought. Perhaps he still is in a wonder of things if only wiser words were chosen. I get the fight stopping, but I were defending myself...Long story. Roth is a quiet man, calls himself old, but is a very good friend to others.  He would give the shirt off his back to others as well if it came to that. Currently, I’m still upset with him.

Jahl is the maker of happiness with others, gracious in his ways as well his husband. His heart is there but also shares another ‘open relationship’ type deal. Perhaps in time he will fondly help me capture Aelfred with Bodvar. When I mean fondly, I mean literally chasing him, soon. 

Siti, the Xaela that is another skin changer I call them. They make themselves known through other skins it seems. Miqo’te then back to Xaela. Quite odd for me to capture this in my mind but it has happened on several occasions. My heart calls out to mine friend of dark thoughts, he is young learning to protect others in his grace. I only which that his dance were the speak of his tongue as well. One day he’ll get it. He is still one never to be forgotten.

For now that is all I have to wish to write on this page, however I will continue so forth on my journey. This journal writing is something new as well interesting. Maybe one day my story will be shared when I am gone from this Eorzea or printed to share with others if I decide to stay here long term. That’s another saddening thing...Eorzean’s do not live as long as a Valkyrie. I found this out yesterday as well...”

The journal were closed while Beralda stowed it away into her satchel for another day worth of writing. She’s had plenty of time upon her hands recent with all going on after leaving the city-state. Her where about will be shared with friends alike through letters to send through the Moogles. Another creature she finds yet interesting, but curious. Within the light of the caverns now darkened from the oil lamp being turned down. Her wings were the only bluish light to now reckon the icy walls of the cave. Shadows danced from the small flames now dying off within the once campfire that lingered upon logs. 

The wolf pup yipped happily beside the Valkyrie when she made herself a bed out of straw to lay upon. With the pup jumping up within arms to be held for the night, the dreams came upon her quickly of prior wars. Good dreams then a nightmare she’d soon never forget.

[starshipsandsuperheroes]

Top 5 DND moments

oh shit I’m putting this under a cut cause it’s probs gonna get long

This isn’t gonna be quotes - I’m gonna tell actual stories, so if anyone’s interested in top 5 quotes, feel free to ask for those, and those will be much shorter because I will not provide context.

Ask me my top 5 anything here!

Ok so, in no particular order

1.) Two Birds, One Stoner - An almost episodic game, masterfully handled by my DM at school.  It featured the introduction of a new player, who we met as a pink tiefling bard, just like our current bard.  The resemblance was striking and strange, but she seemed interesting, so we let her tag along with us as we went to speak with an old mentor of our Rogue’s about what we suspected was the death of a god.  His advice led us to split between two temples in Rome - Bacchus (where both bards, our paladin, our barbarian, and our cleric went) and Artemis (where I, our rogue, and our wizard went).  I went to Artemis because she’s my character’s mother (that’s a whole nother story that may appear on this list later? We’ll see I’m still on this one), but our first bard went to Bacchus because his original god was Pan, who we believed was dead.  A purple tiefling met him outside the temple, her gold lipstick announcing her as a prostitute.  Paxxx (our bard) went with her while the rest of the party found themselves lost in the revelry that is the temple of Bacchus, until Paxxx returned to the main area and retrieved our paladin.  Paxxx took drugs given to him by the purple tiefling (Violet) and on the second try, found himself face to face with Bacchus, who told him what was going on - gods were dying and disappearing, and no one had any idea what the cause might be… only that Hades was the prime suspect.  He also dropped some other cryptic but important information - that Zeus loves his twins, but they had disappeared; that twins always reunite; that Paxxx should be sure to keep an eye on his “Demi-friends” (me and our paladin).  Paxxx snapped back awake, realized that the other pink tiefling we had found was his twin sister (yell heah), immediately filled in our paladin and the purple tiefling on what he had seen and learned, and gathered the party to dash over to the temple of Artemis.

I was there with the rogue and wizard, poking around the temple essentially to see if anyone had had any contact with Artemis without revealing too much about my character’s connection to her (she literally just found out like two weeks or so prior to this that it was even a thing, give her a break).  While we were there, I noticed a massive owl watching us from above - and a massive raven.  Both came down and landed on my arms when offered, but when they both flew away in opposite directions, I could only track one, and I rolled better to track the raven.  We tracked it back to a hooded figure, who was cooing at the bird until it noticed us, and disappeared when we spooked it.  

Literally every single thing I’ve told you just now went on to have an incredibly majorly important role in the last game we played before school got out for the summer.  It was absolutely buck wild.  

2.) Kost - In my other party, DM’ed by my amazing wife, this asshole sat on a plot twist for literal years, and we only found out like, last month.  We’re just chilling, minding our own business and trying to escape from prison (as you do) when our gunslinger suddenly realized something based on breadcrumbs of plot that had been dropped, turned to our swashbuckler, and asked for his last name.  Our swashbuckler immediately tried to play it cool, but it absolutely did not work, and it turned out that he was the son of a governor that may or may not have had something to do with why we had been thrown in jail in the first place - Govenor Kost.  I did start getting the flu as this was happening, so the details are a bit fuzzy, but I had skyped into the session and I almost hucked my laptop across the room it surprised me so much.

3.) “There’s no purple tiefling that works here” - This happened in the same school game (not session) that “Two Birds, One Stoner” did, so DM is here.  Remember that purple tiefling that gave our bard drugs and listened in as he recounted all of the incredibly important information he had gotten from Bacchus?  Yeah, so, uh, turns out we may be fucked because of that.

To make another very long story short, a series of very chaotic events led to our last game of the year.  The library of Alexandria has fallen, and it snowed in Giza as the temples to the Egyptian gods literally shattered around the city (this bit, by the way, gets honorable mention for my favorite moments, because it was narrated beautifully by my DM, as she told it from my character and our paladin’s perspective - two characters that had been raised in Egypt, where snow was a sign of the apocalypse).  Gods were falling left and right.  But when guards rushed into the Caesar’s palace to inform him that the Temple of Bacchus had fallen, we rushed over there - only to find a literal dracolitch standing atop the rubble, as the hooded figure I had seen with the raven at the Temple of Artemis yelled to it in infernal.

To make a long story short, she was yelling for it to stop, but since my character doesn’t know infernal, I assumed she was evil and tackled her.  After a bit of fighting, the Dracolitch literally took five characters down in a single blow, and then disappeared through a portal.  Our cleric and bards got everyone back to standing, and we started to help those that worked at the temple out of the rubble.  As we were helping them, though, someone made a comment about how we should try and find the purple tiefling Paxxx had met with when we were last here and make sure she was ok.  This sounded like a great plan… until the man we were helping up looked at us with a strange expression and said “There’s no purple tiefling that works here.”

4.) The Rats - My wife puts up with so much from us.  To be fair to us - none of us had played D&D before.  We weren’t exactly sure how things worked… so we summoned some rats to check around dungeon corners for us before we went into rooms and halls and the like.  I never pretended to be exceptionally intelligent, I’m just doing my best every damn day.

5.) Delphina - I’ve said before that my character in my school game (This DM) is the daughter of Artemis, but she only found out about it like two or so weeks prior to where we are currently in the game.  Maybe three, idk.  My point is, she hasn’t had a whole lot of time to adjust, especially since she found out like this:

 We had travelled to Giza (the hometown of our dragonborn paladin) in search of our party’s old rogue, Effie, who was played by our DM before she took over for our previous DM.  When we got there, we found that someone had been killing non-dragonborns - as Egypt is a largely dragonborn society in this world, this made the pattern very obvious.  Our trail to both Effie and the killer had grown cold and we had found a man from my character’s home village that requested our help dealing with a threat, so we left the city for a few days to help them.  While we were there, our party picked up a new member - our barbarian, Mara.

When we returned, however, our paladin’s friend was waiting for us with some devastating news - Effie had been found dead, shot through the heart by an arrow.  (Crit role fans: the bow that was being used to make these kills was Fenthras, so there were trees growing out of the corpses, which is how they were really linking the kills).  Our cleric cast speak with dead on her, and we found out a few things:  she had been killed by a cultist who bore the symbol of Artemis, and Effie had been sent to Giza by her patron (Hermes) to protect his niece, the daughter of Artemis - which was, apparently, my character, to the genuine surprise of both her and I.  All this cultist knew was that the daughter wasn’t a dragonborn and was from Egypt, hence the pattern.  We set up a trap to catch this woman, using me as bait and our new barbarian as a “bounty hunter” figure who would act as if she was turning me in for a reward.

What followed was the most genuinely invested and scared I’ve ever felt during a scene in D&D.  Our plan got put into action, and our DM’s interpretation of this cultist (whose name was Delphina) was a rather regal woman with a terrifyingly calm voice.  She stared me down for a moment before asking in all-too-gentle of a voice, “Do you know who you mother is, child?” and I legit almost lost my damn mind.  It was terrifying and insanely fun and cool.  I’d be happy to finish the story if anyone wants to hear it, but it’s already insanely long for this post, so come ask if you’d like to hear the rest.

[scripted-downfall]

@stellanoxcaelumblr Yes, exactly, on all counts!

I should specify that, like you, I don’t really blame Asha for turning to Alec.  I mean, whatever his reasons were, he did freely offer her his company — he basically used the then-impossibility of her having a relationship with Logan as a might as well, right? — and it wasn’t like she’d expressed interest prior (see: her fake-writing his number, as referenced in “Brainiac”).  It’s just that, as with all the rest, whatever relationship they end up having is principally about her getting over someone else, and not about a connection between the two of them.

And I love that you brought up Biggs!  I must confess that his limited appearances in the one episode he was in made it hard to get a sense of him on his own, but I absolutely loved how close he and Alec were.  The fact that we finally met someone Alec had worked with — possibly in his unit, though I don’t think that was confirmed — and finally got a positive relationship based off that was awesome!  (I mean, Max complains about him a lot for being unreliable and all, but he’s actually — no real surprise, given their training, but still — really good in a fight… he’s taken at least two bullets for Max, once in “Gill Girl” and once in “Freak Nation,” though I might even be missing some, and she only ever dismisses it.  “What’s that?” “A hole in my body made by a bullet.”  “Been there, done that.  Check the news.”)

And the differences between Joshua and Biggs are also fascinating to me.  Joshua had to get to know him over the course of the show; Biggs already knew him.  Joshua was very different from Alec; Biggs seemed at least more similar.  Joshua interacted with Alec outside of Manticore’s control; Biggs got to know him during a mission.  All in all, they’re two very different people getting to know him under very different conditions, and yet they both do.  I don’t know if the almost-foil-like nature of the characters was purposeful by the writers (though the fact that they then had Joshua and Alec teaming up to track down Biggs’ killers might suggest some degree of intention) but it does send the message that Alec isn’t as bad as Max, Logan, etc. give him credit for being.

I didn’t mention this in my first post because it wasn’t very strong of an element in “Hello, Goodbye,” but Normal’s… thing… about Alec is another one of the afore-discussed unfortunate relationships.  (I hesitate to say relationship, since it’s more fanaticism or hero worship than anything else, and it’s definitely one-sided… but I’ll leave it for now.)  I mean, the man idolizes Alec, which a) I don’t think Alec really knows what to do with, especially not during the gladiator-dream discussion at Jam Pony, and b) is yet another situation of someone viewing Alec in relation to themselves.  I will say, though, that, in this case, Alec gives as good as he got… Unlike with the others — where, as you said, I don’t think he views himself as trapped (I’d say that he views it as his purpose, since that’s how Manticore encouraged them to think, and no one has actually contravened that in relation to him) — he’s thinking more of how he can use the “relationship” and not how the other party can use him.  I mean, he manipulates Normal constantly: going up to talk to him when he’s not working, the invitation to go with him and Sketchy to the strip club as a way of getting out of work, the way he actually convinces Normal to accept the quality-not-quantity line after delivering a singular package, the way he has — by Freak Nation — pretty much single-handedly gotten Normal to unwittingly turn Jam Pony into transgenic central, etc.  It’s still one of the not-great-for-Alec’s-sense-of-personal-identity relationships, but at least there are no illusions to the contrary.

Before I wrap up, I wanted to say thank you for writing back!  I haven’t been on here long, so a) it’s a rather special occurrence and b) it was great fun to speak with another Dark Angel fan!  No one I know really knows it, so I appreciate being able to chat with someone who actually knows what I’m talking about! :)

A Study in Identity: Alec McDowell

I recently stumbled across the show Dark Angel and just… Okay, so, I love “The Berrisford Agenda” with all of my heart, but my head is currently completely and utterly fixated on the delectable tragedy that is Alec’s role in “Hello, Goodbye.”  (This is prolly gonna be long, featuring a quick selection of scenes from the show and then the analysis at the end, just btw.)

I mean, first off, you’ve got his very first scene in the episode, which is an interaction between him and Asha at Crash.  Leaving aside shipping debates, it’s canon that, despite Max being infected with the retrovirus, she and Logan were together, and that Asha wanted her own relationship with Logan; it’s also canon that this unrequited affection resulted in her turning to Alec for comfort (leading to them drinking and, were it not for her falling asleep in “Borrowed Time,” sleeping together).  

Their conversation then turns into the two of them essentially breaking up, with a heavy emphasis on the It’s not you; it’s my enemies, since Alec’s still dealing with the events of “The Berrisford Agenda” and everything that happened therein.

The next time we see him, it’s when Max calls him to ask — though that term is generous, since she demanded it more than anything else — that he give a blood transfusion to a recently-infected Logan.

Which is immediately followed by Alec walking out the door to help, only to be arrested for his clone’s killings.  And, while Max does go to help get him out eventually, it’s only because Original Cindy pointed out that Alec being exposed as a transgenic would cause additional exposure for everyone (specifically, Max and Joshua).  The killings continue to be attributed to Alec even after Max gets there — she doesn’t look closely enough at the case to realize they’re Ben’s work and not Alec’s — and she rebukes him for being a cold-blooded killer before being prepared to leave him for White to track down, torture, and kill.

Even once it is revealed that Ben was the killer, even once Max helps Alec get out of custody, she still confesses that at least one reason she treats Alec so shittily all the time is because of how much he looks like/reminds her of Ben.

Then there’s the doubly- or triply-tragic section at Joshua’s.  Despite his canine appearance, Josh had been able to carve out a potential relationship with Annie (who’s blind), but that same it’s not you; it’s my enemies returns with increased public awareness about Manticore transgenics.  Josh breaking up with Annie “because he had to go back home” was already sad, and it’s made sadder when she asks to remember what he looks like by memorizing his face, something he’d never be able to give her.  Instead, he asks Alec to stand in for him, and Alec obliges.

Then, finally, comes the ending, where Logan — who’s been acting rather creepy and stalkerish all episode, ngl — asks Max about having seen her with Alec earlier, having obviously come to the conclusion that she and Alec were together; she does nothing to disabuse him of that notion.

So, in short, the entire damn episode is a study in identity, with the end result being that the entire episode is Alec not being able to be himself and paying deference to other people’s needs.  Asha was using him as a distraction from Logan; Manticore was/is preventing him from pursuing normal relationships; Max is using him for his blood; he’s unfairly taking the blame for his brother’s crimes while simultaneously taking backlash for not being Ben; he’s essentially giving Joshua his face (which, while a willing and kind gesture, still kinda cheapens his own personal identity); and he’s unknowingly being signed up for a role in a fake relationship that Max doesn’t even bother to tell him about for two or more episodes.

And this entire thing is made even worse by the fact that this is exactly what Manticore did.  It took people, turned them into soldiers that subverted their own… well, everything… in favor of doing a job, completing a mission.  They stripped away identity, gave people numbers instead of names, insisted that emotions be buried (and forced that through PsyOps if necessary), and overwhelmingly ensured that they’d all be good little sheep, playing their part… And, for all Max and Logan and the others claim to want to stop that, they’re just as bad about perpetuating it as the people they’re fighting against.This was a really long post, but I just cannot stop dwelling on the cruel irony of this entire episode, and how nobody in the show seems to notice (with the possible exception of Joshua, since he’s the only one who actually seems to care about getting to know Alec without the information being forced upon him, and his situation was unpleasant all ‘round, so it wasn’t actually his fault).

[gospacegay]

Beauty to Die For

Warnings for mentions of rape, murder, and the like. Barely any editing involved so the odd error will be there. Enjoy this 1920′s rusame!

The bar was dimly lit, jazzy music as thick as the haze of cigarettes. Characters of all shady manner inhabited this poorly lit haunt, ranging from lost souls to killers. There was no judgment or accusative glares here, for everyone was guilty.

Among the small groups, a rare flower was in bloom. It was Lady Jones, a real class act. She was normally on the arm of Arthur Kirkland, a fastidious gangster that ruled these parts. Even approaching the golden haired beauty was a death wish, personally granted by her murderous British master. To see Lady Jones alone at the bar, it was more concerning than ever.

Only one man in the room was brave enough, or foolish enough, to even look upon the American beauty. Violet eyes analyzed her every movement from a dark corner. Several people took notice and inched away in their seats. Still, Ivan Braginsky did not take heed. Lady Jones was in a ravishing red dress, her fur trimmed caplet and hat as elegant as they were practical.

He had to have her. The infamous Russian assassin was rarely denied what he desired, a rising star in the criminal underworld.

The tall Russian stood from his corner chair, sauntering over to the female figure. The bar stools on either side had been evacuated the moment she sat down, as if she were a bomb ready to explode. The risk involved only motivated the beige haired killer further. He lived for adrenaline and risk.

Sitting next to Lady Jones at the counter, he waved down a petrified server. “Yes, sir?” the female bartender asked softly. “Vodka on the rocks, along with whatever Miss Jones desires.” he ordered curtly, casting a grin at his new target. “A southside if you would” Jones requested with a demure smile.

Served quickly, the pair looked at each other, birds of prey among pigeons. Lady Jones was first to break the ice with a sultry greeting, “How kind of you, I was feeling thirsty.” “Not a problem, a woman of your quality shouldn't drink alone.” Ivan flirted with ease. Her sharp blue eyes met his, like a flash of lightning, then glanced away.

“I suppose not.” she sighed, sipping her beverage delicately.

“I'm surprised Mr. Kirkland isn't here, keeping you to himself like the greedy beast he is.” Ivan noted, making several men around him flinch and retreat further. Arthur Kirkland was known for dissolving people in acid after all.

“He's very busy with work tonight.” she replied tightly, shifting uncomfortably.

It was just a second, but enough for the classically trained killer to notice details. How nervous she seemed, the slightest shake as she picked up her glass. Despite her many layers, a faint edge of a new bruise was peeking over the edge of her dress. It was faint pink, perched right at the base of her neck. Ivan knew those types of marks intimately, having inflicted them before.

Someone had tried to strangle or subdue the freckled darling, not even an hour ago. How interesting.

“When we finish these, perhaps you would like to go for a walk? Soothe your troubles away?” Ivan offered boldly, lighting yet another cigarette. He offered it to the charming damsel before him with a slight gesture.

She hesitated ever so slightly, then accepted the smoke. “Perhaps, though I doubt your brand of comfort can help me, Mr. Braginsky.” Lady Jones countered, blunt yet charming. It was hard to take anything she said offensively when she was so damn pretty. Ivan supposed that's how the calculating Arthur Kirkland was won over years prior.

“So you know of my craft?” he asked, genuinely surprised. Ivan had only been in the United States of America for five years, fleeing the fallout of the Russian revolution. His formally trained skills as a man hunter and assassin were a steady source of employment, regardless of country or decade.

“The Russian angel of death is a title one earns, I assure you.” Lady Jones replied with a playful smirk. Admittedly, Ivan melted a little inside at the compliment.

After exchanging small talk and trying to remain calm, Ivan was walking with Lady Jones down the dark streets of Chicago. The entire street seemed to clear wherever they travelled. Whispers rippled from afar, caused by the wake of fear the woman stirred with every movement. Ivan found it entrancing, how much power she wielded due purely by association.

Ivan noticed after a time that they were wandering. He knew exactly where every boss in the city lived, and the pair was far outside Kirkland turf. “Perhaps if you are lost, we can head to my place?” he proposed hopefully. Ivan could only imagine how great she could be in bed, and wouldn't that drive her English master just crazy? It could be so fun to stir up chaos.

“I'm not lost. I simply have no where to go.” she explained, voice wavering. Ivan paused, confused. “But certainly Mr. Kirkland –” he began, only to be interrupted. “Mr. Kirkland is dead.” Lady Jones growled, losing her demure composure. She wore a conflicted expression of grief and rage.

“I'm so sorry for your loss. Unexpected change is the very nature of work like ours.” Ivan offered sincerely, taking his cloth hat in his hands. In all honesty, Kirkland had been a bastard to work for, and Ivan dreamed of killing him for years. He was morose for the woman's distress more than anything.

“It wasn't... He...” the woman stammered, clearly struggling with the topic. Ivan waited patiently for her to form a proper sentence. He was curious as to what top gangster had the balls to finally do that miserable animal in. Working for a guy that cocky could be fun.

“He tried to... hold me down... and... He tried...” Lady Jones cried, a few actual tears beginning to form. Ivan offered a handkerchief silently, still not understanding. She took it, dabbing her eyes before her make up smudged. After a big breath, she continued more clearly, “So... I had to do it. I killed him before he tried... to... take advantage.”

Ivan stood stunned, gripping his hat tighter. He had only met three other women in his whole life that had killed, and only one had been trained to do so. It was a rare gem to be sure. He was surprised Kirkland was bestial enough to try and rape his own lady. Her reaction was even more interesting, for the woman's words didn't hold a shred of guilt.

Lady Jones was perfect, a fresh rose with thorns as sharp as her wit.

Ivan took her hand in consolation, unable to stop a joyous smile. “What you did with the body?” he inquired excitedly. “It's still there. I didn't know... Maybe if I could find someone to help at the bar. I don't know.” she admitted weakly, still very upset.

“Fear not Lady Jones, I will take care of it, and you, should you allow me.” Ivan volunteered suddenly, surprising himself. Women like her just drove him beyond the edge of reason. Passion coupled with the willingness to kill was just too much.

“It's Amelia, and I'd like to see you try.” she countered, her tears starting to dry as she dabbed them away. Finally, she gave a true smile for the first time all evening. It was to kill for, completely entrancing Ivan's cold shattered heart.

“Challenge excepted, Amelia.” he promised happily.

[dustydreamsanddirtyscars]

“A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet” - On Dissociation, Duality and Identity on Supernatural

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven…” - John Milton / “Paradise Lost” 

After reading an interesting article on the 350th anniversary of Milton’s “Paradise Lost” I found myself pondering one of the themes prevalent in the poem and how it translates to one of the themes I love so much on Supernatural and how it has been especially explored during Carver Era: The Topic of Duality and Identity.

One of the key aspects of Lucifer as a character in Milton’s poem is how the archangel sheds his original name and by that also crafts a new “life” for himself along with it. He no longer calls himself or is addressed as Lucifer but as “Satan” or “the Devil” (interestingly enough that is something Supernatural’s longest standing villain rejects completely, and despises these names which is an interesting aspect to keep in mind and one I’ll come back to later). This re-invention and the power of names is an intricate part of shaping one's own identity and reality. It’s something we have seen countless pop culture figures go through for very similar reasons.

The pattern can be traced all the way back to fairytales like Rumpelstiltsken, but it can be found in a multitude of modern pieces of literature, art or television too. Think of Tom Riddle vs. Lord Voldemort, Dr. Jekyll vs. Mr Hyde or Walter White vs. Heisenberg. They all create alter egos for themselves in a fashion comparable to the renaming process that happens to demons in Milton’s work, because once they lost their positive identity, they also lost their names. It’s very much in line with what we see happening on Supernatural as all the more "run of the mill”-demons we have met thus far have been addressed by the name of the person they inhabited, Meg is probably the most memorable example for that. And it’s also of course a transformation the King of Hell himself underwent when he died as Fergus McLeod and emerged as Crowley.

Much like his mother, who always tried to escape her past and shape a new world for herself in which she possesses the power she lacked before when being rejected, so Crowley tried his best to forget about his past altogether and shape a new world and identity for himself. And all that went well and good until, well, the Winchesters came along. Until then Crowley was able to craft his new self and by shaping himself shaping also his own reality, how he perceives and thinks of himself (unintruded) and by that trying to infer how people perceive him. In the end however the dilemma comes down to what Kurt Vonnegut once described as: “Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what we pretend to be.” Because sometimes that - or rather the way we think about ourselves - can turn into your Achille’s heel or something like a self fulfilling prophecy. And on Supernatural, I suppose no one fights that battle with himself harder than Dean Winchester. That battle of how he thinks about himself and how/who he really is (and that aspect is drawn attention to again with Mr. Ketch insinuating that Dean and he are alike or that Dean is merely an unhinged killer (see meta and gifset here) - something Dean may think of himself at the worst of times, but which hardly can be counted as a realistic picture of who he truly is).

And in this regard I feel it’s important to remember that Dean went to Hell, was well on his way to becoming a demon, but got rescued before his soul may have been twisted too far to dip back. That doesn’t change anything about the fact however that Dean remembers that time, remembers what happened to him, what he did and what he became. It left a taint, some darkness within him and one he is deeply ashamed of. Now, question is how far along the transformation or dissociation went when he was in hell. Was Dean close to forgetting his own name, his own positive identity? And is that possibly the reason why Dean’s struggles in terms of identity and perception of self has gotten all the much worse post Hell too (while also of course taking into account the trauma he faced there)? Because Dean thinking about himself merely as a killer definitely stems from his experiences in and post Hell.

“We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.” - Oscar Wilde

Now following that line of thinking I think it is interesting to bring the aspect of duality into the mix, because all the characters mentioned before: Voldemort, Crowley, Walter White or Lucifer in Milton’s “Paradise Lost” give their inner duality a physical quality. Voldemort grows more snake like the more he gets drawn to evil, Crowley doesn’t inhabit his own dead vessel but someone else, Walter White as Heisenberg makes a hat his statement piece and Lucifer in Milton’s “Paradise Lost” famously turns into a snake to bring about the Expulsion from Eden. Meaning, their transformation, their reinvention of self, their identity shaping is connected to a visual change as well, which might make it much easier to distinguish and dissociate and distance yourself from your more sinister actions for example. It’s easier to operate with such alter egos as separate to yourself, because in part it may “absolve” you of your wrongdoing. That split between good and bad, that duality, that inner fight, surely wasn’t captured any better on Supernatural than by Charlie returning from Oz split in two - a parallel to the struggle Dean faced and still faces within during this “coming of age / individuation” arc.

Charlie was a great mirror for Dean here as she shares his predicament because unlike all the antagonists mentioned above she feels responsible for her dark self running amok - and yes the fact that they of course look alike just contributed to that. Now just like Charlie wasn’t able to sort of distance herself from her alter ego, so Dean is unable to do the same as he never undergoes a change in physicality for example - except for the back eyes and slightly longer hair. So when Crowley raises Demon!Dean with the words: “It’s not death. It’s life. A new kind of life. Let’s go take a howl at that moon” he may have thought Dean would have shaken and forgotten all about his former self and morals (but of course he hasn’t).

But the problem is Dean didn’t change. Not really. At the very least not like Crowley in how he shaped a new life and identity for himself. Where Crowley left behind his former human self (until he reconnected with it during S9 where as a parallel to his growing humanity Dean followed the opposite direction - Crowley hasn’t been the same ever since and a lot of the struggles he faces to this season are based in a struggle of identity and him failing to distance himself or dissociate Crowley from Fergus, which was a central aspect of bringing Rowena into the mix imo) even physically, Dean did not as he was a demon inside his own body. His humanity was simply muted, but it wasn’t completely gone or forgotten. This transformation and rejection of his past turning into a reinvention didn’t happen for Dean.

He turned into his darker version, but just putting a “Demon!” Prior Dean hardly can be read in a comparable fashion to Fergus McLeod vs. Crowley (Cas going by the name of Steve doesn’t feel like a fitting other example as Cas didn’t shed who he was as a person and his personality, but his name change attributed more to the metaphysical change from angel to human - which is kind of the direct opposite to Crowley or Dean where an emotional and inner aspect sparked an outwards transformation). Dean became a demon but a true dissociation and distancing didn’t happen. And that’s what he struggles with, because he remembers. That was all him, he can’t and won’t distinguish between himself and his "alter ego" that was compromised by the mark like Crowley would for example. He did what he did when he was a demon inside his own body, there was no dissociation, no re-naming happening and arguably even though thoroughly disinterested in being what he thought others needed him to be (which is still the problem even now and I do wish Dean could allow himself to be a bit more like Demon!Dean in this regard - but hell maybe the continuing betrayal by his loved ones will finally get him there and finally will make him put himself first for once – who am I kidding the show would sadly never let Dean be this independent *sighhhhhhs*) and for that reason much more careless or rather much more carefree, there still was a lot of Dean in him when the mark was calling the shots and his eyes were pitch black. The problem for Dean in dealing with his dark side was even worsened when this inner struggle was externalized when Sam had the mark removed and Amara was freed - and even though Dean managed to reunite God and Amara and save the world in the process - he himself unlike these divine siblings or Charlie didn’t have the chance to truly reintegrate that (lost) part that was split from him with Amara again and being able to heal (and sadly the show is also not even trying to resolve this issue for Dean it seems in order for Dean to be able to finish the Individuation process, though him walking away from Sam and Mary could count as that (though again the show would never allow Dean to do that) - the externalized struggle that was meant to be fought within however still wouldn’t have been resolved though).

And this is where Lucifer from Supernatural and Dean make such compelling cases in how they compare and contrast. Because where Dean struggled with this burden of duality and didn’t have the chance to possibly distance himself from his actions while compromised by the mark because he was himself the entire time, Lucifer embraces that fact, he thrives on that. He despises the distinction people made when calling him devil or Satan. He is taking his actions in stride, grows more confident through them whereas for Dean the opposite is the case. So in the end it comes down to perspective and perception. Lucifer knows he’s evil but he’s alright with that. There is no struggle, no illusions. He walks the earth like a hero because that’s how he sees himself. A champion who was treated wrong, but not the villain. He is the hero in his own story. Compare that to Dean who struggles to see his own self worth due to the mistakes he made and thinks of himself as a burden, as someone less. This negative perception of self has shaped his reality and even made him take on the mark for example. And it’s also the reason why he is unable to see himself as the hero he objectively speaking absolutely is, because he is walking through life thinking of himself as a failure, the antagonist in the story. And unless he will be allowed to express himself accordingly and be embraced for all that he is (and not how others want him to be or react - like for example just simply working with the BritMoL) and not just what people think he is due to what Dean became because of who he thought others wanted him to be (big brother, good little soldier, little angel), hell likely never get a chance to heal and make that last step of individuation to truly shape and allow himself to be the person he truly is.

“Show me a hero and I’ll write you a tragedy.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

[infinitehouseofbooks]

5 YEARS OF INFINITE HOUSE OF BOOKS COUNTDOWN – JANUARY TO JUNE 2014 RECAP

  INFINITE HOUSE OF BOOKS turns 5 years old in April of 2017. Due to a massive failure with the blog’s previous hosting provider, all blogs prior to February 2015 were lost. However, the administrator has the original assets on file and a calendar of  featured content. As a lead-up to the anniversary, features will be released on the fifth of each month that chronicle a period in the blog’s past and some of the highlights still worth noting today. This post is the fifth in the series. Enjoy!

Both INFINITE HOUSE OF BOOKS and sister excerpts site DISCOVER WORDS covered a lot of books in this six month period. In fact, for one month (May 2014), DISCOVER WORDS featured more content than INFINITE HOUSE OF BOOKS.

  January:  A Season Without Rain

You can still get this title for Kindle on in print on Amazon.

Here’s the original interview:

What initially got you interested in writing?

            I guess you could say I’ve always been into reading and making the leap to writer was something I found natural. My first real push was as a teenager when I spent a summer inventing a role-playing game to play with my friends. It gave me a taste of how good it felt to tell an original story. I also found out that my imagination could run wild and by the end of the summer I was as curious as to how the story ended as my buddies.

How did you decide to make the move into becoming a published author?

            I had sold a screenplay to a local production company. The money I made from it was some of the best I had ever known because writing had put it in my pocket. Shortly after the script, I met the person who would not only encourage me to novelize the screenplay, but who would go on to edit my work, effectively teaching me the mechanics I so desperately lacked.

What do you want readers to take away from reading your works?

            That everybody has an interesting, complex story to tell. Of course, nobody thinks they’re life or job is interesting but that is because they cannot escape it. Usually when you meet a writer you have loved they almost always fail to meet the expectations you’ve built up in your mind for them. I remember meeting Elmore Leonard. He was probably the most humble guy in the world, the complete opposite of his tough talking underworld characters. The only thing I want when someone finishes something I’ve written is to think, now that was one hell of a story.

What do you find most rewarding about writing?

            Meeting the people at book signings or getting e-mails from readers. The first rule of writing for me is to entertain the people. I don’t care if you’ve won a Pulitzer or a Noble Prize, if you’re a boring writer, only the critics are going to love you. I rather I was reviled by the snotty literati and a champion of the people than have a bunch of worthless trophies sitting on my mantle gathering dust.

What do you find most challenging about writing?

            Finding the time to do it. You make time for the things you love but some days it is like having another full-time job. Writing, of course, in hindsight seems magical. In reality, it is hard work and not for the undisciplined. I have been known to get up at 4a.m. just to write. Worse than writing is when the real blood is being spilled and you are going over your 7th or 12th draft of a novel you once adored and now can’t stand the fact you dared to think you could write it. I suppose it’s all worth it but it is a damn long road every time to ‘The End.’

What advice would you give to people wanting to enter the field?

            Believe what you are doing is important. If you have any doubt in yourself as a writer it will come through in your work. There should be no more harsh a critic of you than yourself. Like my editor once told me, it says written by on the cover-not edited. Once your little baby enters the world there is no taking it back. Do your best, always. If it is anything less, toss it in a drawer and start again.

Is there anything else besides writing you think people would find interesting

about you?

            I love to laugh, I love to make other people laugh, and I love a good joke, the dirtier the better. My favorite comedian of all time is George Carlin, but I was once kicked out of Social Studies class for listening to Sam Kinison on my buddy’s Walkman and uncontrollably laughing my ass off.

What are the best ways to connect with you, or find out more about your work?

            Connect with me on Twitter @JoesBlackTShirt and on Facebook @ Author-Joe-Schwartz. Probably the easiest way to find my work is on Amazon at http://tinyurl.com/k3bjyk2 My favorite way to be discovered and read, though, is from the shelves of local libraries. I encourage you if I’m not shelved at your favorite branch ask your local librarian to add my work to the collection. For this, I will thank you when we all get to heaven.

  February: The Outmate

  This title is still available for Kindle and in print at Amazon.

Here’s more about it from the original interview:

What initially got you interested in writing?

  I’ve never not been interested in writing. (Yes I know, double negative) I’ve been writing for so long I don’t remember NOT writing.  It’s never been a choice for me- when the Muse hits I go with it. I enter a trance-like state that takes me over. I don’t eat for days, I don’t sleep, and I walk around mumbling. I bump into walls because I’m having a dialogue in my head. I honestly don’t believe the words that come out of my fingers in those trances are mine… I think they are some sort of higher power. That being said, when I have to go back and edit my work, that’s where I come in. That’s when the real writer comes out.

  How did you decide to make the move into becoming a published author?

  I never planned to write The Outmate. It just sort of happened. But when it did, I knew it was time to publish for the first time. I decided early on to self publish. It was not that I felt a conventional publishing house would not be interested. It wasn’t self-doubt. It was control. I am a control freak, and I wanted complete creative control over my novel. I couldn’t stand the thought of someone who had no idea who I am or what my story is telling me what parts of my novel to cut or change. Is that helpful or a hindrance? Is it arrogance? I am not sure. I did what I felt was the right thing for me personally, and I have no qualms now over my decision. It’s harder to market my book as a self published author for sure… but I’d rather know that the finished product is completely mine and told the way I want it told.

    What do you want readers to take away from reading your works?

  I want them to lose themselves in the story just like I did. The most gratifying experience of my entire life was when my first fan came back to me and told me they understood what I was trying to get across, creating such dark and sexy characters. Readers might not agree with me. They might be disturbed, horrified, turned on, or any combination of emotions by the contents of my book. It is a rather shocking book and it’s not supposed to leave you with warm fuzzies. But when I hear from a reader who allowed themselves to get sucked in to my novel without preconceptions, it means the world to me. I believe we all have darkness within us and that there are many ways to express love if only you step outside the box.

  What do you find most rewarding about writing?

  The most rewarding thing for me is to know I’ve created a world that lives now in the minds of others. If I die tomorrow my words will still be here. I guess you could say this is my legacy. I have no children and I cannot have them for biological reasons… But I have my writing. That will never go away.  In a way, it’s embracing immortality.

  What do you find most challenging about writing?

  Editing! Writing when the Muse is on your shoulder is practically orgasmic. You are so deep in the throes of your addiction to words that all the cares of the world fall away. Editing, however, takes focus- discipline- and some sort of attention span. Icky! I would much rather be lost in the Muse than edit, however I see the balance of doing both, as an artist, and as a human being. Sometimes we just have to do what we don’t like in order to be a well-rounded individual.

    What advice would you give to people wanting to enter the field?

  The same advice I would give every time to this question, and I hope every writer out there would give when asked the same. Write! Do it every day. Sit down every day and write no matter if what you churn out is brilliance or crap. Hemmingway said, “There’s nothing to being a writer. You just sit down to a typewriter and bleed.” That’s so true. Just do it. Sooner or later the Muse will hit you like a freight train and everything will fall into place.

  Is there anything else besides writing you think people would find interesting

about you?

  I would hope there’s lots people would find interesting about me besides my writing… (For instance I can cook! And sail!)  But for now, I’ll simply say that I am the dedicated beloved of an inmate, and my story comes mostly from true-life experiences. Not all of them. I didn’t burn anyone’s face off or go on a massive crime rampage with a serial killer. Not yet anyway. But yes, I am an inmate’s proud woman. A lot of my hopes, fears, frustrations, and feelings while I wait for him went into this book. I hope when people read it they see that beyond the sex and the violence, there’s a lot of humanity, too. I hope it gives them new insight into the life of an Outmate. I paid my dues to see my work in print, and I wrote it as much for my sister prison wives as I did for myself.

  What are the best ways to connect with you, or find out more about your work?

  You can reach me and see more regarding the book via my website, www.theoutmate.com

Also you can connect with me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Outmate/

    March: Snickering out Loud

You can still get this book on Kindle or in print on Amazon.

Below is a copy of the original interview.

What initially got you interested in writing?

I’ve always been appreciative of good grammar and reading great literary works since a very young age. I started this book as a thought, not necessarily as creating a book, about five or six years ago.

While performing clinical, scientific research, I published papers in scientific journals. Well, those writings aren’t as entertaining to read and write, but they did give me a substantial base for writing a story of my own. And boy did I have a great time writing this book!

  How did you decide to make the move into becoming a published author?

            It was at the behest of my publicist when she brought something up about dating. I can’t recall the full conversation, but it reminded me of having jotted down ideas and tips over the years. I would go back to the original document and add in tips and things that had happened upon my dating escapades. So gradually, over the years, pages were added. When I would discuss my stories with friends and family, they always laughed. It could be the delivery and my odd facial contortions that I create when telling a story, but I thought I might have something worth a laugh brewing on my computer.

  What do you want readers to take away from reading your works?

            That’s it’s okay to choose a dinkus to date, as long as you don’t continue to do so. If you mess up and don’t understand the signals being received so well, it’s okay. Learn from it, and laugh about it. The main thing I tell people that come to me for dating advice is to figure out a way to let it go and talk about it with your friends and family behind closed doors. Make fun of the situation and have a damn good chuckle about it all.

  What do you find most rewarding about writing?

            It’s very cathartic. And it’s amazing to be able to share your work publicly. It’s that impact words can have on people that any other form of communication just doesn’t quite have.

  What do you find most challenging about writing?

            The most challenging thing is to remove yourself from getting too inside your head. You can’t make everyone love your book and make everyone happy, that’s where your state of mind needs to stay. Don’t write for other people’s acceptance, rather write for yourself and your happiness.

  What advice would you give to people wanting to enter the field?

            Jot down ideas over a period of time, let it all simmer then come to a boil after a longer period of time. It’s like reacting in a heated argument with a loved one. You probably don’t want to say some of the things that immediately pop into your head. Get your thoughts together and start whenever you have a clear vision, not taking a gazillion different forks in the road because that will end up being frustrating rather than rewarding.

  Is there anything else besides writing you think people would find interesting about you?

            Hmmmm, I suppose my back story and where I came from, how I have created my life story. I worked on my family farm for about 15 years, and I still help every planting and harvest season. I mentioned it in the book, the first time I’ve been public about my IQ score, but having a substantial score and being in the modeling and acting world is kind of odd. Going from modeling, to published scientific author, to actor, and now writer is pretty cool. I’ve enjoyed my ride, and I don’t plan on it stopping anytime soon. I follow my heart but use my brain along the way.

  What are the best ways to connect with you, or find out more about your work?

My website – http://www.jennysauer.com/ – or on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Jenny-Sauer/149383945083393) or Twitter (@jennymsauer). I’ll make announcements there about the book and also guest articles I’m asked to write about health, beauty and of course, dating!  Drop by and say hi, I’d love to connect!

  April: Mystic Wolves

This book can still be obtained for Kindle, in Print, and Audible from Amazon.

May: There are actually issues with the records that are making it difficult to me to find any usable content in the old site e-mails.  More content also appeared on retired sister site discoverwords.com that month than INFINITE HOUSE OF BOOKS had seen. Surprisingly, it seemed to be a rather quiet month… all the more need for the summer event to follow.

June: To Die a Stranger

This book is still available for Kindle and  in Print on Amazon.

Jilly Paddock one was one of the authors kicking off a SUMMER OF PRO SE event, featuring a group of artists from Pro Se Press that I had begun to interact with and find myself with published stories alongside in 2015.

Join us next month to find out the recap for the second half of 2015 in the countdown to 5 years online in April 2017!

5 YEARS OF INFINITE HOUSE OF BOOKS COUNTDOWN – JANUARY TO JUNE 2014 RECAP was originally published on the Wordpress version of SHANNON MUIR'S INFINITE HOUSE OF BOOKS.

[ealainred]

Klimt @Individual

Yesterday was the second of the final shoots for Ealain:Red. This was a shoot inspired by Art Nouveau - specifically the artist Gustav Klimt. His paintings are so fantastically rich and opulent. They’re very busy and patterned which gives a thoroughly textured depth. (Plus he uses a large amount of redheads.)

It is a funny time of year to be planning large-scale shoots, as lots of people are still away for holidays, or ill, and a lot of people have final assessments or exams coming up in January and so are understandably reluctant to take on any extra endeavours. There also seems to be an inordinate amount of car troubles about at the moment... I’ll blame the rapid changes in weather temperatures. 

Whilst the planning wasn’t exactly last-minute, it was always going to be a challenge to get hold of people over the Christmas period. Location would be especially tricky. Ideally, an estate such as Wilton House in Salisbury would have been a good option, but difficult to arrange for a limited budget 

(incidentally if you’d like to up the budget, you can donate here: https://solent.hubbub.net/p/redheads/dashboard/)

I forget how many stylists I asked to get on board for this shoot, but sadly nobody was able. (It is dissertation season and in true student style, all have left it to the last second!) I have worked with Kristiina Kutser a few times now, and she is fantastic. Unfortunately she was unable to actually attend the shoot due to a number of reasons, but she has been brilliant in advising and sending links to Asos garments to shoot with. I am notoriously terrible at styling and I will no longer attempt to do a shoot without at least some input from a pro. All of the stylists I have worked with have mentioned feeling under appreciated or patronised by people who don’t understand the amount of work or skill involved in dressing someone. I must admit, I was also unaware until I started working with them. The professionalism in my work has leapt up by several heights of late, and it is all in the styling. 

Upon returning home to Bournemouth over the Christmas break, Kristiina was feeding me ideas for the styling. The is a small part of Bournemouth just up from the town centre called Westbourne. It consists of a crescent of shops, boutiques, and eateries. It is in a way like a little self-contained village. Within this village there are a number of designer fashion boutiques. I decided to wander around for a little bit in search of something gold, encrusted, and staggeringly expensive. When I was at school, all of the girls would buy their prom dresses from Fab Frocks, and those who did were the envy of all other attendees. I pooped in and instantly came across this amazing dress in the sale for £40, down from £145. No hesitation. Quick photo to Kristiina and we agreed to get it, even though it was a size too small. If we couldn’t use it for this shoot, we could definitely use it for another. In addition to this dress, two other supra-£100 dresses were bought from Asos, alongside a pair of beautiful golden shoes. 

When looking for the styling in Westbourne, I was walking down the straight of the crescent, conspiring with Kristiina with glee over the recent purchase. I spot some gorgeous bronze tigers out of the corner of my eye. My feet keep walking but my head has stopped, rather like a cartoon character. I turn right round and walk into this incredibly interior design shop; Individual. I had emailed them prior, on the off change they’d let us shoot, but I had not received a reply, nor had I caught sight of the amazing new display in their window. Popping in, the showroom extended into an amazing array of fabrics and floorlamps, with an abundance of golds, silvers, and bronzes. (Metallic is very in at the moment, don’t you know). In true, embarrassing Josie-style, I leap on the owner and rattle of some spiel about sending an email and absolutely LOVING what he’s done with the place. He laughed and said he’d seen my email and was just about to sit down and reply. “Of course!” He says to me. I jump up and down and clap, before I can even catch myself! He continues “It was such a lovely email, how could I say no?” What an absolute doll. He’s my new favourite person. He even booked us in for after the showroom was closed so that natural light didn’t spill through and disrupt the lighting, and so we weren’t disturbed by clients. 

As is always the way in mizzy January, the bugs were hitting hard. For now, I have thus far avoided catching anything, but unfortunately makeup artist Charlotte Logue could not say the same thing. Usually cancelling right before a shoot in a huge black mark against somebody’s name, but Charlotte has been nothing but dedicated on every other shoot we have done together. We shall be shooting together very soon I feel sure, and wish her a very speedy recovery. As mentioned in the last blog post, I keep a “Photographic Network” group on Facebook, which gold all of my creative contacts that I make: stylists, makeup artists, hair stylists, models etc. This makes it very easy to find a team on short notice. Within five minutes of posting “Help, I need a makeup artist for Friday due to illness” with an accompanying mood board for the shoot, Jess Lawrence popped up with a fab enthusiasm. 

A long time ago, I did a brief stint working for a cowboy media production company. It did not go well. During that short period, I met Tyler Palmer, who had his interview and trial session with me, where we were sent to shoot this fabulous Indian wedding. He and I have relatively similar styles of shooting, preferring available, continuous light to controlled studio lighting or flashguns etc. (I’m not sure what that says about us as characters; mildly chaotic, perhaps!) He works in videography and film though, as opposed to stills photography. His work is fantastic and I’ve been dying to work with him again since that nightmare production company. Finally that day came on this shoot.

Holly Oluwo had been very keen from the start of this project to be involved. She has such a distinctive look. She’d be perfect for a shoot in the style of Klimt.

Will the full team ready to go, it was time for shoot day!

The rental hatch has just received seven brand new location lighting kits from Profoto. They are lightweight and portable, and nifty to take on location without taking up a vast amount of valuable space, especially in a small shop with very very expensive ornaments precariously placed all over. Despite having the induction demonstration three time, I was still very nervous about using these lights. I tend to be very scatty at the best of times (in an endearing way, of course!) and in my mind, a brand new lighting kit would not be conducive to a smooth-flowing shoot. As it turned out, they are incredibly straight forward to use, despite my scatterbrain. However, whilst the individual bits of kit are incredibly lightweight, together (despite being able to fit in a bag not much bigger than my camera bag) they weigh a metric f***tonne. Carting it on my shoulders from campus to the flat, to the train station, to the location was not an enjoyable experience and I have the amazing bruises to show for it. I don't know if people appreciate the physical exertion needed on set of a photo shoot. I always end up feeling like I’ve had a killer work out the next day, either side of the camera! Maybe I’m just unfit but I’m suffering with mad DOMS today! Having said all that, this kit is FAR superior to the older Bowens location kits we used previously. Safe to say I shall NEVER be using those again!  Tyler and I showed up slightly before the others in order to set up and test the lighting so that we could launch straight into shooting as soon as the makeup was done. Tyler’s girlfriend Lauren was willing to step in and sit in the light whilst we tinkered. It’s always a good idea to test, and arrive early. During makeup, it enables you to make shot lists and organise locations in chronological order. 

Because of slight scheduling issues, there was a minor delay in the start time, which meant that we had very limited time on set. Despite this, the team worked quickly together and we managed to get some very interesting shots, that I can’t wait to look through.

Here is a photo of me with my Canon 5D mk iii and one of the Profoto lights, with the battery pack slung over my shoulder for ease of movement around this fabulous set. (There’s no way you could ever do that with a Bowens battery pack).