#the inner child... sobs cries. but also very funny i love him

[maplemaplemaplemaplemaple]

aah realised i never posted these !!! little german boy archetype by @bumbldee, i love him dearly

[pianostarinwonderland]

ive seen ch3 ever since its release in jp and i happen to like it (for octatrio and other reasons) so i kept watching it

azuls breakdown always made me feel so much but even now

playing through it in eng by myself i literally started crying when i saw it

perhaps it was the way his voice wavered or that i can really relate recently or that scream (atsushi tamarus so talented istg)

but i just cant help but sympathize and lrkefgkjfkdlwk sorry for ranting like this ig im just oh my god

I had to sit on these asks because I have so many words about chapter 3 and Azul's breakdown.

First of all, I'm with you guys on the "cried because of book 3". Don't be sorry for ranting to me because fuck, I can relate with this deeply. Now, I won't say I cried cried. My eyes were dry the entire time, but every time I go through that particular scene, I always feel like I can't speak afterwards or else you'll hear the tears in my voice. And it did happen actually. One time, I read chapter 3 with friends through Shel's videos, and after Azul's breakdown, when I talked, my voice was broken. My eyes were dry, but my voice was shaking. Whenever I have to read or get a screenshot from that scene, I always have to mute my phone because otherwise, I would actually get stressed. XD

So the reason why I have so many words about this is because it managed to break my heart in a way that nothing else has. I've experienced heartbreak, and I've felt hurt very often in my life. And usually, it has to be something or someone that I hold close to me that would be able to make me hurt or break. Even when watching a movie or reading a book, I need to have developed a liking to someone to feel the pain of seeing them at their lowest. What's more is that I really don't cry. It takes so much to get me to cry.

Back when Octavinelle chapter's final part came out in JP, I didn't hold an attachment or any sort of liking to Azul at all. Heck, in fact, I wanted to see how he would be defeated because I wanted him to be defeated at his own game. I just thought, "Oh, I don't think he hurt me. Leona's emotional scene was meh, and as much as I respect Hanae, Riddle's crying made me want to laugh."

I was wrong. Dead wrong.

The fandom loves to meme "MOU YADDA", and it's really funny to see. 😂 No matter what language people speak, everyone gets amused by his scream, and it's beautiful. But I would be a liar if I said that that same scream was not what caused my heart to break. And I almost cried, damn it. I didn't like Azul then, so why did I want to cry? There was something in that scream, something in the way that he broke down, that made me angry at Leona, made me wish Azul didn't have to go through that, that made me want to clutch my chest as my tears finally pour out of my eyes and my voice goes hoarse from sobbing. When translations came out the day after Octavinelle concluded, reading the text was no less painful. The whole time, I was just saying, "Please God, please make it stop. Please make this stop." I do admit that I said that partly because I like being dramatic, but I also know that there was a reason why that was the first thing I wanted to say.

Frankly, my unique reaction to Azul's breakdown really got me to think about why. Why did I feel that way? And eventually, I realized. Without going personal, I realized that it was through that scene that Azul managed to reach into the inner child of myself that was still hurting from certain wounds. Azul didn't break me—I was already broken. But he just showed me the cracks and bruises that I long forgotten, that I long hid away from myself. It was like that inner child was crying, yet nobody heard them until Azul did, found them, and comforted them. It's really funny, Azul isn't real, and yet, without realizing, he granted some of my deepest wishes. 😂

I think that's what I find amazing about Azul. A lot of people can relate to him: the bullying, the discrimination, so many other things. It's not to say that I haven't heard others say, "Oh I relate to him." when they talk about the other OB boys or what. But for some reason, or maybe it's because I know way too many Octavinelle stans XD, when talking about Azul's backstory, people will almost always say that they relate to him, or if not, his backstory stirred something in them. Call it love, embarrassment, dislike, but damn, he made people feel something. And it's what I always love to hear whenever people discuss Azul and his breakdown in chapter 3.

[atiny-exol]

Innocent! Straykids their Yandere s/o punishes them

Warning: this is a yandere reaction, this contains a toxic relationship, abuse, torture, blood and some dark topics if you are uncomfortable with that please don't read it.

Chan

He is the nicest and loveliest person you know

Always nice to you and everyone around him

And that's the problem

You hate it when he talks with other people

Epically girls

So it isn't a surprise that you had enough one day

Chan really was just nice to the young lady and helped her with some heavy stuff but of course you got jealous

As soon as you arrived home later, you locked the door and told him that you hate it when he is flirting with other people

He didn't really understand what you mean.. He was just nice wasn't he?

You cried infront of him and told him how horrible and terrible you felt while he flirted with this girl

How insecure you are and how much it scares you that he might leave you for someone better

It wasn't the first time that you manipulated him and it isn't the last time

Let's say that he won't talk that nicely to others anymore because he doesn't want to hurt you and just wants the best for you

So his punishment is more psychological

,,B.. Babygirl/Babyboy? W.. Why why are you crying? Did I do something wrong again? I'm sorry I'm. Really sorry." Chans wrapped his strong arm around you waist and pets you head with the other hand. ,,N.. No no..its fine c.. Chan it's fine." you cried out under fake sobs, and behind his back a smirk appeared on your face. He is so easy to manipulate.

Minho

You kidnapped the poor guy, but at least you took your cats with him

You know how much he loves his cats

But he he gives them more attention when you. You will take them away

Lock him up and just let him out if he gives you the attention you need

You aren't physically

You just know that the cats are the only interaction he will have with something what breaths beside you

And he wouldn't stand it if you hurt his precious cats

He never breaks the limit so he isn't sure if you really hurt his cats or not

But to be honest he doesn't want to find it out

,,No Minho you don't understand that! You won't give me attention while you pet this stupid things!" Minho looked at you with big eyes and carefully put the cat down his lap and on the ground, before he looked away. ,,Y/N s.. See I.. I'm sorry.. I" ,,A sorry won't fix that Minho~" with a soft voice you continued. ,,Never do that again or I have to lock you in the basement again without your cats."

Changbin

Changbin is a very feisty one

He doesn't want to play by your rules and he will do everything to break them

He tries to run away multiple times

And you are getting tired of it

Yes it is funny to see the climpse of happiness in his eyes then he steps outside for a second

And yes it's sadistically satisfying to see how his happiness turns into fear and anger as soon as he realizes that it was a trap

It is funny and yes you loved it

But that doesn't mean that you will let him do that over and over again

Killing for Changbin? No problem for you

You will drag some friends from him one by one in the basement let him watch how you torture them and then he can decide witch one dies first

If he doesn't give in you will break him into submission

Loud and painful screams echo through the silent and dark basement as you stabbed the knive inside the thigh of your newest victim. A satisfied and sadistic giggle left your mouth as you smudged the blood other the face of them, before you turned around to your tied up boyfriend. ,,Come on binnie which one should si kill first? Choose wisely because the other one will get more pain for the next hour."

Hyunjin

Let me make one thing clear this one isn't that easy to break

You are his best friend for some time

You love him

You are possessive over him

He is the one who gives you the will to live and he

He is just so ignorant

One day he told you that he has a girlfriend now

And you would not only hate her bur also hyunjin

But you love him too and you want to make Jim yours

Breaking hyunjin is one goal you tried not to do but after this you aren't that nice anymore

You tied him on a chair and pulled out a knive

Your initials now over his collarbone

After that you brought his girlfriend in the room and killed her infront of him

Let's say he won't break your heart again

The black haired girl layed on the floor, infront of Hyunjins feet, shaking in fear as she saw how you stepped near to her. The inner sadist came out and your once so lovely face is twisted into a psychotic smile to her, before you stepped on her hand, letting her scream another time in pain. ,,Hyunjin is mind just mine and you-" you squatted infront of her and with a rough pull on her hair you brought her face near yours. ,,You will never change that."

Jisung

Best boy

He is a whole sunshine does everything to make you happy and would never betray you

At least you thought that

One time you came home and Jisung wasn't around

His clothes are gone and you couldn't track his mobile phone anymore

You cried a lot but then you got angry

He did the only thing you asked him not to do

He left you

And he will regret it

It wasn't impossible to find him

And once you though him

He tried to tell people that you are going to hurt whim that you are sick

But you made the lie that he is mentally not stable and that he is confused

No one believed him

And now you have him back again

His punishment is easy

He won't go out anymore, you take the affection you gave him away and you treat him like a doll

Nothing and I mean nothing is done by himself anymore

If you don't need him right now he is tied to the bed, gagged and unable to do anything

You love him and you don't want to lose him ever again

,,My precious little doll." you said while you are deep down in your own happy mindset, where everything is good and Jisung is living a happy life with you together. The reality is far away from that. Jisung is laying on the bed, eyes closed, mouth filled with a gag and a few tears running down his cheek while he wished that he never made the mistake to try to leave you.

Felix

He was your best friend for such a long time

And you loved him since your childhood

As you confessed to him and he returned the feeling you were so happy

But Felix soon realized that the relationship isn't going like he wanted it to be

You are jealous very easily no one can come near him without you throwing a tantrum

He can't talk to anyone anymore because you would get angry at him

But you can't understand why he doesn't like it

It just showy that you love him so much and that you won't let someone steal him away

But as he tries to break up with you

You lost everything

Of course you would let him go at first

But after this night no one and I mean no one saw him again

Because he is sitting in the house you made just for you and him

He can't leave it

And you still need to remind him that he can never break up with you again

That's why you should show him how much he hurted you with that

,,Come on lixie. It isn't that worse."you said while you rolled your eyes and layed the teaser on the table beside you. ,,You didn't understand yet how much it hurt me when you tried to break up with me. You don't know it yet." Another deep sigh left your mouth and you looked at your other tools laying on the table, placing the hammer inside your hand, and as soon as your fingers wrapped around the cruel tool you can see the fear in his eyes. ,,That's it. That's what I want to see." Incomprehensible words left his gagged mouth and another giggle is heard from you. ,,Don't worry soon you understand the pain I felt.

Seungmin

You stalked him for so long and he didn't even know that you existed

You took photos of him at every activity he did

A whole room just with photos from him

Let's say some of them aren't that innocent

Punishing Seungmin?

Yes because one day you decided to take him

You want him to fall in love with you

So you texted him

But he was so rude towards you

Lling you that he doesn't know who you are and that you are probably a psycho

So you blackmailed him with some photos

And if he didn't believe you and block you

The photos are on all social media platforms till he apologizes

Disbelieving what he just saw, eungmin shakes his head and thinks that all of this is just a big bad nightmare, but as he opened Instagram again and saw the same pictures over and over again, tears collected in his eyes and he quickly unblocked the person who threatened him yesterday.

,,I'm sorry please I won't do it again. Please... D.. Dont post pictures of me like that again. "

Jeongin

He is the easiest to manipulate

Soon in your relationship you arrange it that he has no one beside you

All his friends disappeared one by one and no one wants to talk to him anymore

If he doesn't behave well you will threat him that you will leave him

That no one will ever love him the same way you love him

That everyone will hurt him

And Jeongin believes you. Especially if you are older he will believe you

Everything you say is true in his mind and he doesn't think twice about it

You have him wrapped around your little finger and if he still acts like a brat you will treat him like a child

Early bedtime, no sweet, not going outside and no affection

So.. Let's say he won't do it that often

,,What did I say Jeongin baby? " ,,N.. No sweets after 9pm N.. Noona/H.. Hyung."the younger said while his head hand low and his look shows that he is sorry that he disappointed you. ,,And what did you do Baby?" ,,I a.. Ate sweets after 9pm without asking." ,,That's right. Now go to the separate room. You sleep alone today." His eyes widden in shock and he looked at you with teary eyes. ,,N.. Noona/Hyung p. Please n." ,,I won't repeat that Jeongin. Go."

[dragons-quill]

Durin’s Day: Boxing Day Edition??

Here is my fic for Durin’s Day!  It was inspired by the amazing @ofahattersmind, who was 100% more patient than I deserve with my writing issues this month. 

See the lovely art here!

Happy Durin’s Day ah....delayed!

----

Fili is five the first time it happens. 

It begins with a sense of warmth and contentment that almost makes sense - he’s by the fire with his parents, and happy enough - but the warmth is stifling and the contentment brief.  But what follows - a sense of searing brightness, fear, indignation, is so clearly foreign that he bursts into tears, burying his face in his father’s chest and shaking with the power of it.  

He tries to explain, but he’s only a child, five years old and precocious but with no point of reference for what’s just happened to him.  It passes in minutes, and his sobs give way to little gasps for breaths and the occasional hiccup as his father rubs his back and kisses his hair and worries over him.

His mother has her suspicions, but keeps them to herself.

Keep reading or Read on Ao3!

----

For Kili, there is no “first time.”  From the day he’s born, he seems oddly mercurial, his mood shifting suddenly from time to time.  He’s a cheerful, loving child, outgoing and friendly nearly to a fault (“We don’t talk to strangers,” he recites after his mother, but once someone says hello, they’re not a stranger anymore!).  But there are times when he goes quiet and thoughtful, watching the world instead of forcing himself on it.  He likes those times, he says.  He feels peaceful.  Like he’s not alone.  

“That’s our Kili,” his mother says fondly, watching him go from spinning in hyperactive circles to curling up happily on the couch, watching the crackling fire. 

----

Kili hears words first.  Perhaps it should frighten him, but it doesn’t.  It feels like his quiet times, and the voice in his head isn’t saying anything scary.  It’s a little boy voice, like his, and it’s studiously practicing multiplication tables.  Kili’s years from learning them, though when the day comes he’ll already know them and won’t quite be able to explain how. 

In the stories about soul bonds, the first communication is usually dramatic and meaningful, the beginning of something otherworldly.

For Kili, it makes his nines tables a sinch five years later.

----

Fili’s parents die when he’s twelve.  His uncle takes him in, serious Thorin with his Durin-blue eyes and limited understanding of how children work.  He is the one who tells Fili about soulbonds, how rare they are, how their minds meet across the entire world.  He suspects Fili has one.

“And if you do,” he says, as gently as he knows how, “they’ll be feeling all the pain you’re feeling, and might be very scared by it.”

Maybe it’s a dirty trick, using a boy’s empathy for others to dry his tears and toughen up, but it appears to work.  Fili stops crying so much, starts getting out of bed and living life.

But what Kili feels, far away, isn’t the facade but the real thing.

His parents worry and fuss and arrange for therapy as he cries himself to sleep, night after night.

-----

Fili is rather secretive by nature.  He doesn’t want to bother anyone into worrying about him, and by the time he’s fourteen, he certainly knows they’d worry if they knew he talks to himself in his head all the time. The fact that the voice is different from his own only makes it more disturbing.  

I hate living with Thorin he’ll sulk, because Thorin is trying but he isn’t Fili’s parents. And his own mind answers Yeah he seems like a and a stuttering pause before dick that makes Fili laugh.  

And then he’ll find himself defending Thorin, who isn’t so bad, and the voice makes up a silly song about Thorin’s tendency to talk like it’s 1854 until Fili is sprawled in bed grinning to himself over how clever the voice in his head is, and why can’t he be that clever in real life?

----

Kili is an open book, and he forgets not to just talk back to the voice in his head.  It’s cute when he’s a little boy with his invisible friend, but the older he gets the more concerned the adults in his life get.  

He doesn’t know about the quiet meetings among counselors, teachers, and his parents.  He doesn’t really understand the new doctor who tries to convince him the voice isn’t real.  

He doesn’t like the summer he has to leave home and go stay in a hospital for two weeks during his vacation.  He’s furious, and lonely, and everyone is telling him to lie about the friend in his mind, but he’s not a good liar by nature.

I’ll know the truth his brain-friend says.  We’ll know.  Just tell them you don’t and then tell me you do.  It’ll make them happy.

Kili is reluctant, but he does as he’s told.

He still slips up sometimes,and he sees the worry in his parents’ eyes and laughs it off.  He’s a class clown, right?  He can get rid of these things.

Only his friend knows he hates it, hates the lies, curls up in his covers and sniffles some nights, feeling like a bad person.  

For a while, his friend promises to go away, and leave him alone. But that is so much worse, because it’s quiet in his head and he’s all alone and. “Is this what people want me feel?” he asks the dark, arms wrapped around a well-worn blush manatee he’s too old for as well (keeps it under the bed so his parents won’t take it away, as his friend suggested).  “It’s awful.”

And he tells his friend just how awful it is, until he comes back.

---

It’s sensible enough to name his inner voice Kili, Fili figures.  As good as anything else.  It is just an aspect of himself.  A..creative one.  Who tells stories about a life different from him.  Who lives out some of Fili’s fears (is he not quite sane?? Is his inner voice too much??  Don’t writers and such have this??  It’s fine, it’s fine).  Who is warm and funny and optimistic in a way Fili isn’t, but wants to be.  

Just a way of thinking things through.  It’s fine if he gives it a name.

He hopes.

----

His friend’s name is Fili, and Kili loves how they match. It’s like destiny in his favorite tv show!  They’re meant to be the best of friends!  The show is all about a legend about soulmates being bound from birth, and talking to each other, and finding each other and--

---

Fili visits the library, and researches, and wonders.

---

It happens on a lovely fall day in Fili’s home town. Fili is working on his post graduate degree in business administration - not the most interesting, but it’ll help out his uncle’s business, and that’s a guaranteed job that will pay enough that he can hone his own hobbies and interests on his off time. He’s still sensible, but that doesn’t mean he can’t turn some of that practicality to funding his personal interest in writing and travel. 

He’s also working at the business’s central office, actual pay instead of an internship, so he’s stayed close to home.  He’s saving money for a trip down south, for warm weather and sprawling beaches that remind him of stories he’s heard.  Or.  Made up.  Via Kili.

Fili tosses hair back over his shoulder, adjusts his coat, and walks into his favorite park.  The trees here were selected to look as colorful as possible in autumn, and he loves it.  Best time of year, hands down.

-----

Unlike Fili, Kili traveled for university.  He’s on the archery and lacrosse teams, with actual scholarships, and he’s studying English, which is mostly so he can go on into a proper specialty in myths and folktales.  He secretly believes he is a folk tale, despite the counseling and medications to convince him otherwise.  He loves the city, filled with carefully maintained parks and currently a chaos of fall colors.  It’s too hot back home for anything like this-

He sees someone out of the corner of his eye, and turns his head with practiced nonchalance for a better look.  Kili is a man who appreciates the human form.  Oh ho, he thinks, he’s hot.

And he is, all long golden hair and neat beard and fur lined leather jacket.  He’s shorter than Kili, but more solid.  He looks delicious, in the best way.

Stop creeping people out, says Fili in his head, and Kili laughs.

The man stops, frowning a little.”Odd,” he says aloud in a soft tenor voice that makes Kili’s heart thump.

He gives his head a little shake before looking around.  Blue eyes- so blue Kili can make them out from a fair distance - flicker in Kili’s direction.  He doesn’t seem to have a bit of Kili’s secret shyness.  He smiles, slow and inviting.

Never mind, I’ve found a pretty one, too, Fili says in Kili’s mind.

Kili nearly chokes on his own spit.  

The blond man turns and walks closer, more than a hint of swagger in his steps. 

“Hey,” he says smoothly.

-----

Kili feels his jaw drop.  His heart is racing.  He can hear it in his ears.  He bungee jumped once, Fili refusing to have anything to do with it.  It felt like this, like ziplines and roller coasters that flip you upside down.

He clicks his jaw shut.  

“Ah...hey,” he says back, intelligently.

---

Fili feels a flash of concern, and steps closer.  “You okay?”  He puts his hands up.  “Promise I’m not a serial killer after tourists.  I’m honestly just flirting.”

---

“I’m not a tourist!”  It’s not what Kili means to say, because he knows, in his bones, who this guy is.  He wonders why he never really thought about what Fili must look like.  He’d have thought taller, but everything else…

Yum.

“I’ve been here a year!”

----

“Oh, pardon.”  Fili grins and bows like an old-fashioned gentleman.  “Practically a local, then.  Does that mean you’re familiar with the Ri Family Teashop?”

Fili is forward, but not usually this forward.  But somehow, he wants to know this person.

Or already knows him.

Something.

----

Kili starts to grin.  “Are you asking me to tea?” he asks, because oh, good, Fili knows him too.

“Hmm.  I don’t know.  My mother said never to have tea with strangers.”  Fili holds a hand.  “Fili Durin, local peacekeeper and not an axe murderer, and you are?”

----

The cutie is staring at him, and the stare is starting to look singularly unimpressed.  “You know who I am, Fili.”

“Ah, afraid not,” Fili answers, but there’s a tug in his belly like he’s lying to his uncle Thorin about why he was out so late as a teenager.  “But I very much hope to.”

The definitely a nine sighs and puts his hands on his hips.  “I honestly thought you were smarter than this.  But you can’t be completely perfect, I guess.”  But he’s smiling, fit to battle the sun, and Fili can’t even work up a sense fo indignation.  “It’s me, Fili.  It’s Kili.”

-----

Fili will deny it until they are old and grey, and Kili will just keep telling the truth anyway.

Fili’s eyes roll back in his head, and he stumbles, and Kili grabs Fili in his strong arms like the hero he is.  It’s not fair to say Fili passes out, maybe fades a bit would be more accurate.

Either way, he regrets it forever because it makes him the damsel who wakens (blinks and sees better, because he wasn’t unconscious or anything that dramatic, correct?) in the arms of a stranger who is no stranger at all.  And dammit, Kili even kisses him awake.

(It’s soft and chaste and sweet and Kili, a press of lips just like his voice, beloved and real and everything Fili ever wanted to be real.)

“Hi,” Kili says again, grinning down at him.  “Welcome back.”

Fili will argue later that he didn’t go anywhere and he would have been fine and etc. etc, but for now, he reaches up from his awkward arching slouch in Kili’s arms and brushes hair from those playful hazel eyes, and tugs him down for their second kiss.

----

Nice!, they think, and the kiss turns into laughter.

[msbluebell]

In the captured!AU, let‘s pretend for a moment that Jeralt didn’t die. He wouldn’t just be protective-dad, he‘d be livid-almost blind with fury-dad. Then upon being reunited with his kid he would be nothing short of a supportive father helping his child through a horrible trauma.

Ooooooooooooooooooh ho ho. You. You keep talking Anon, because this prompt is as delicious as Mac and Cheese.

Jeralt has always been silently protective of Byleth. He once set a building on fire, faked his death, and ran off for twenty years just to protect Byleth from Rhea. Byleth is his ONLY child, one of the last things he has of his wife, and many people in game remark how openly proud of his child he is and how much he very obviously loves them. Jeralt may not be the most emotional parent, but he’s a loving, reasonably protective, good father.

So if he survived Monica’s assassination attempt (which I’m going to say still happened, but he survived because Monica’s aim went off when Byleth tried to interfere and she only wounded him) and made it to the war he’d be...destroyed for lack of a better term. 

I find it funny that English doesn’t have a word for parents that outlive their children. We have one for a child that outlives their parent, and a spouse that outlives their spouse, but we don’t have one for a parent that outlives their child. I think we need one, because I can’t imagine something so painful. You can move on from a spouse, but moving on from your child’s death? That’s the kind of bitter, stinging, empty pain that I think would be so difficult that for some it would be impossible. Yeah, we should have a word for that. The Germans have a word, Verwaiste Eltern,because of course they do, they have a word for everything. I once saw a Duke article that argued we should use the word Vilomah, because we use the term widow, which is Sanskirt.

Either way, I think the pain of a parent losing their child is so devastating that it deserves it’s own word. Or...maybe...the reasons we don’t have a word is because, for a loving parent, the pain is so great that they can’t even bare to imagine a word for it.

Jeralt is probably one of those parents that never even considered outliving his child.

In the game he repeatedly mentions his own death, and makes plans and takes steps for if HE dies. But he never once brings up Byleth’s possible death. I think, in his mind, while he OBJECTIVELY knows it’s a possibility, he never once registered it as something that could legitimately happen. For him, Byleth’s death is a far off thing that’s going to happen LONG after he’s gone. He’s taking steps to ensure Byleth has a long and happy life. He’s giving them his wife’s wedding ring, the only other memento he has of her, so they can start finding their own happiness and setting up their own life. These aren’t the actions of a man ready to lose his child at all.

So when the war happens, and Byleth is lost, he’s devastated. 

He’s probably not worried at first, because it’s a battle and Byleth is strong and they’ve probably just been delayed in their escape. They’ll be here soon. The safe spot is good for days.

Then a week passes.

Then two.

It’s not safe to stay in this spot anymore, and Byleth still isn’t here, and there’s a pit forming in his stomach, and his men are starting to think it’s maybe time to tell their bass that there MIGHT be a possibility that maybe, if it’s been this long, their kid ain’t coming back. But no one wants to outright SAY it because, well, how do you tell a man his only child might have been killed?

They’re forced to flee, after a while, because with Imperials marching everywhere and looking for enemies it’s just not safe to stay in one spot for too long. So they run.

As time goes by, Jeralt is starting to think his kid may not be coming back.

Jeralt isn’t an emotional man. He’s always had trouble expressing his feelings. He’s not the type to burst into tears, or plan a wedding the moment someone he knows starts liking someone else. Jeralt is made of quite things, quite moments. He’s the warm hand on your head, the cup of morning coffee that gets you through the day, the small and proud smile when you win, and the shoulder to cry on when you lose. He’s a quite parent that’s quietly supportive and honest when you need him to be.

But when he realizes Byleth isn’t coming back, he cries. It’s not loud sobbing, but a stream of quite, steady, tears that roll down his face. He doesn’t do it in front of his men, he waits until he’s alone, sitting on a rock and facing away from their direction, and he whips them away before he goes back to them. 

(He didn’t need to. His eyes are red. They know. But they’re gracious enough not to comment)

He goes back to try and find the body, when it’s safe, but he never does. And it’s that just cruel? First life takes his kid and now he can’t even bury them. He at least got to bury his wife.

Jeralt decides that, if he can’t even bury the body, than he might as well try to do something Byleth would want him to do, since they’re not here anymore. He’s lived twenty years protecting Byleth, he can spend the rest of his years fighting for the life they’d have lived. The only thing he can think of is protecting those students of theirs, so he heads towards Faerghus.

What he finds is a damn mess.

The King Regent has been assassinated, and now Cornelia is in charge, and Dimitri was supposedly killed. Half the country is sworn to the Empire and the other half is putting up a resistance. Jeralt sighs heavily and points his men toward the resistance, where he thinks Byleth’s students would be set up. He’s pretty sure the two lords in charge of it are parents of her students.

He’s welcomed by Rodrigue with a sad smile. Rodrigue knows what it’s like to lose a child (and, oh, what pain that causes. It swallows you whole. And nothing makes it better. You can tell yourself they died for something good, that they died right, but that only makes your other child hate you), and he’s very sympathetic. He wouldn’t have said no to the extra forces even if Jeralt wasn’t there, but his heart is soft for another parent that’s known such loss.

Jeralt serves as both a tactical adviser and a captain for his forces. He also helps Rodrigue and Gustav try to track Dimitri (Byelth had really liked that kid, he remembers. Byleth had mentioned him a few times, anyway, which was a lot for them, so Jeralt figures there must have been a lot of fondness there. He doesn’t have the whole story, and now he kinda wishes he did so he’d have something to say, but he’ll have to contend with trying to find the kid), but the kid is slippery as and eel and good at staying hidden. Jeralt is honestly impressed that the kid is so good at surviving when the entire Empire is hunting him down. Even HE can’t find the kid and he’s good at his job.

He tries to take care of the other students in the meantime. He tries to visit them when he can, check up on them, make sure they’re healthy. It’s what Byleth would want. And, to be honest, he’s growing quite fond of them himself. Annette is a sweet girl, and so is Mercedes. And Ashe is a good kid that he can see going far. Felix is intense, but Jeralt knows deep down he cares a lot, maybe too much, and he’s just guarding his heart. Sylvain he keeps out of trouble too, because he seems to find it a lot. And, really, they don’t fill the hole Byleth left behind, but they numb it for a bit and that’s the best he can ask for.

He never gets over Byleth’s death, and the lack of funeral, but he’s able to at least live a meaningful life for them. That’s not enough, but it’s something.

Then, one day, Rodrigue comes to him with a letter from the Alliance.

Byleth is alive.

Byleth is ALIVE.

His child is alive.

Claude wrote out all the details from his “reliable source I have in Enbarr”. Byleth was captured in the battle five years ago after falling off a cliff and being knocked unconscious. They’ve been held in solitary confinement in the top of a tower in Enbarr for the last five years. The reasons no announcement from the Empire has been made is because Edelgard is keeping them as her personal prisoner and not a political one, and the reason his spies haven’t found out about this sooner is because Byleth is confined to that single room with no access to the outside world, no windows to spy through, and no one but the most trusted staff allowed within a tower full of traps and mazes. Apparently, according to Claude, only Edelgard’s inner circle are even allowed to deliver meals.

Jeralt is...livid to say the least.

Rodrigue is barely a third of the way through the letter, reading it to a horrified council, when Jeralt slams his hands on the table and throws himself up, knocking back his chair. He’s marching out the room in moments. When Rodrigue asks where he’s going he just gruffly and furiously spits out, “Enbarr.”

It takes all of Rodrigues power to stop him, furiously chasing after the enraged man and trying to talk reasons and sense into him. Telling him that he can’t go alone or he’ll die, and that they need to increase their army, and that Gustav found another lead on Dimitri so give them time to get him, and the Alliance and they could combine forces, and they’ve gotten into contact with Seteth recently so they could gather the remaining Knights of Seiros. The’ll rescue Byleth, that will be a top priority, but they need TIME and FORCES.

Jeralt is not having it. He argues back. That’s his KID in there, trapped like some sort of...of...of PET. They’ve been stuck there for YEARS while he’s been wasting time. And you wouldn’t be so calm if that were GLENN.

A silence falls over them, and Jeralt realizes he’s made a terrible mistake.

He sighs, rubbing his forehead. He knows that was uncalled for. That was massively uncalled for. He says that, and he apologies. But Rodrigue shakes his head, saying he’s right, if that were Glenn he’d be acting like this too, and there’s no need to apologize, and he’s heard worse from Felix anyway (and Jeralt should really get those two to actually sit down and TALK sometime before it’s too late). Jeralt says that there is, because Rodrigue is right, he can’t get Byleth out on his own. It’s just...that’s his KID. That’s his kid and he thought they were DEAD and now they’re ALIVE and they’re being kept as a PET away from them and he can’t stand it.

Rodrigue puts his hands on Jeralt’s shoulders and promises that they’re going to get Byleth back. That it will be one of the first things they do. He swears his life on it.

Jeralt nods and says the same about Dimitri.

Turns out, Rodrigue was right to stop him, because a few weeks later they’re at Garreg Mach, and both Byleth AND Dimitri are there, showing up together like ghosts returning from the dead.

And, shit, both kids have had a rough time of it. Dimitri is half mad and feral from being hunted in the woods for five years, and some clearly unresolved issues have only made him worse than ever. And he’s glad that Rodrigue is still holding up the front in Faerghus because he doesn’t want him to see his kid like this.

Byleth isn’t much better. They’re not half mad like Dimitri, but captivity wasn’t a good look on them. They’re wearing Empire Red silks and they’re pale as a ghost. They can’t stand outside too long without turning pink as a big, but they can’t stand to stay inside either. They won’t even sleep in their room anymore, taking up a spot in the chapel. And Dimitri is always standing by them too, half mad but ready to skewer people at a moment’s notice if Byleth asks it. 

It’s...hard for him to see his kid like that.

He can’t huge his kid for too long anymore, because they don’t like feeling trapped. So even though he wants to hold them tight and never let go, he has to let go quickly or they’ll start to panic, and that will set Dimitri off, and he’s like a guard dog as it is.

Most nights Jeralt sleeps in the chapel with Dimitri and Byleth (though he has yet to see Dimitri actually sleep. It’s more like he just stands there, looming over everything. It’s unnerving, downright disturbing, and Jeralt is legitimately worried that Dimitri may have trained himself to sleep standing up or something. Or worse, not sleep at all. It explains why he’s gone mad for damn sure, and he makes a not to try and pump Chamomile in that kid and try to get him a nap because maybe that’ll help calm him down. It helps Byleth get to sleep these days. Lavender and Chamomile. And him being there). Byleth doesn’t really wake up screaming from nightmares, but when they do wake up they always end up panicking for a moment before looking around, making sure there’s sunlight and a place to escape. It breaks his damn heart.

He has to help Byelth get used to sunlight again. They need limited time, even though all they seem to want to do most days is lay in the grass. He has to herd them back in though, before they’re burned. But every day they get a little more time. It’s slow going, but he thinks it helps. 

Still, he can’t help but hate Edelgard. He has his kid back, but Goddess above, look at them. Dimitri and Byleth are both a wreck at best, and he and the others have to take care of them and get them back on their feet for the battles ahead (which is hard, because Dimitri only listens to Byleth, and sometimes even that isn’t reliable if he gets too lost on the battlefield. Still, it looks like for the most part Byleth has got Dimitri’s recovery in their hands, and Jeralt has Byleth’s so it’s FINE).

When the day comes, he’ll kill that Edelgard woman himself if she even looks at Byleth wrong. He’s going to destroy that tower and scatter it’s stone across the seas. 

He’s going to help these kids get better, and rub it in the world’s face. He’ll look every god in the eye and spit in their face before he lets anything bad happen to them ever again.

[nctzendreamz]

NCT DREAM: Their S/O Who Hates Skinship Becomes Affectionate All Of A Sudden.

⇢ Request: “ello!! i loved ur recent reaction with 127s s/o being uncomfortable with skinship  can i maybe request the same with dream and wayv 🥺 that’d be absolutely amazing thanks 💗”

⇢ Authors Note: Yaaaaaay!! I’m sorry this took so long but at least it’s heartbreaking and beautiful. 🥺 Also, WayV version is next!!! 💓💕💞💓💕

⇢ Warnings: Mentions of neglect during childhood.

Renjun:

He had always noticed how you backed away from certain touches, and seemed extremely annoyed when people hugged you for too long even before you started dating as well. That never changed his growing feelings for you, and honestly, it gave him something to look forward to during your relationship. He knew he was the one for you, and he could wait forever if that’s what you wanted.

Luckily, he didn’t have to, because when he woke up on the couch inside of the dorms, a body was resting on his chest. Truthfully, he thought it was one of the members, but he knew that scent. It was definitely you, and this definitely had to be an accident. He attempted to move you back where you were before he fell into slumber, but your hold on him was locked.

“Watch out, babe.” He whispered gently, but you still didn’t nudge.

“I want to stay like this.” You whispered in a small voice, causing Renjun to practically collapse at the revelation.

“Oh—okay.” Was all he could muster, finding himself breathing funny.

Jeno:

You would always catch Jeno staring at some part of you whether the two of you were alone or not, and he was always beside you when he did it. You knew what he wanted.

“I’m not trying to pressure you, Y/N. You know that, right?”

You’d always nod in agreement, secretly feeling awful that you were like this. Especially because your boyfriend was so affectionate.

Today was his birthday, and for some reason all of your love for him couldn’t just rest as it usually did. You wanted him on your hip, and everytime he was talking to someone, you couldn’t help but loop around his arm.

“You alright?” He asked when his guest walked off, real concern bleeding through his eyes.

Without words, you hugged him dramatically before kissing him quickly. “Yeah. I just love you.” You smiled, allowing him to press gentle kisses all over your face as he radiated pure joy.

“Can it be my birthday everyday?”

Jaemin:

He had known all along how much you hated intense affection, but he wanted to know why. He really hated it, no matter how much he loved you, and hated that it was clear someone was responsible for this.

The day he had finally got the guts to question you, you couldn’t stay off him. You didn’t stop wanting his kisses, and your touches got more intense as the two of you laid on the couch in a sad attempt to watch a movie.

“Let’s talk.” He interrupted with a sad sigh. He hated to interrupt such a rare occurrence, but he wanted to know.

“What’s wrong?” You pouted.

“Tell me why you hate being touched so much?” He felt it came off as aggressive, and he was immediately sorry. He watched in defeat as you seemed to be closing your wall back up and leaned on the opposite side of the couch.

“It’s just, i was never touched a child. Never hugged, never cuddled. Nothing. So I guess it makes me uncomfortable because I’m not used to it.” You confessed, looking to the floor now.

“Hey.” He whispered, gently taking your hand in his and pulling you closer. He slowly moved closer to your lips before he connected yours, his tounge lightly grazing your own. “I love you, and thank you for trusting me.”

Chenle:

Very similar to Mark and Haechan, it pained Chenle to have such a restriction. He was so young, and everytime he saw you all he wanted to do was jump into your arms. When he saw you upset, he wanted to pull you into his own and kiss every problem away. Even right now, you were fuming, but he couldn’t do anything about it.

“What happened?” He questioned softly, coming closer and closer to you. “Talk to me.”

“I just need a break.” You took a shaky deep breath, getting closer to him as well.

Chenle had never seen you like this before. You were vulnerable and if he was correct, it seemed like you wanted him to embrace you.

“Please.” You whispered, and immediately he filled in the space and held you as tight as he could. Your sobs made his heart break into tiny pieces, but he also felt the deep breaths you were making and that’s when he realized it wasn’t that you necessarily hated affection, you just didn’t know how to ask for it. It was an inner struggle that he would have to discover later, but for now, he took in your scent and tried his best to remember the feeling of your bodies connected like this.

Jisung:

Although he was young, he never really craved unnecessary affection either, and this is why the two of you went together so well. You had this quiet understanding that just because you were in a relationship, didn’t mean that had to include being all over eachother. You had your own things, and that was okay.

Except, sometimes, Jisung got down. And he wanted to cry into you, but he couldn’t. He would usually just handle himself or go to another member for guidance, but today that wouldn’t suffice. He hated to bother you, but he needed you. Even if he couldn’t get physical love, your presence was better than nothing.

The minute he stepped in the door, his cries got louder.

“Jisung...what’s wrong?” Your voice quivered, trying to see his face through his large hands. “What happened?”

“It’s okay, let’s just—let’s watch a movie—

“Come here.” Your arms immediately wrapped themselves around your boyfriends neck, holding him as close as possible. Your grip loosened after a few minutes, but Jisung’s voice made you tighten it back.

“Not yet.” He pleaded, squeezing you even tighter.

[batbobsession]

So I saw the Hunchback of Notre Dame to alleviate the isolation...

Spoilers ahead.

With @lumiereswig‘s recent reblog of her Hadestown experience, I thought I’d share a musical that I saw virtually—the Hunchback of Notre Dame.  This was not a Disney adaptation, I repeat, they took the good stuff from the movie and then told the story straight from the book.

And oh my gosh, it got dark, so spoilers ahead.

Frollo got humanized and it makes him more terrifying.  First off, he’s played by Patrick Page, who, thanks to my recent research, plays Hades in Hadestown, and if that doesn’t draw parallels I don’t know what will

Anyway, Frollo has a brother who is actually a good person and elopes with a Roma woman.  Frollo finds him dying and he gives Frollo his child, who is disfigured, and Frollo, giving us the first reason why we should hate him, tells his dying brother “wow, this thing is a monster because of your sins” and then his brother dies.

Of course, they sing the Dies Irae directly after—an indirect foreshadowing of Frollo’s death by Quasimodo’s hands

“The saints blessed him and the monsters protected him.” my GOODNESS what a line!

And my gosh, the way they introduce Quasimodo is so freaking genius.  Michael Arden comes out like any regular man and then SMEARS HIS FACE WITH BLACK PAINT as Frollo ties the hump to his back (THE SYMBOLISM THERE OMG) and the bells descend from the curtains above as the chorus swells.

Also the chorus plays the statues and each one has its own personality.  It’s so obvious that the statues’ voices are all Quasimodo’s inner psyche tugging him one way and then the other, and every time they speak they use small bells or cymbals to accent their words.

Also Quasimodo can barely speak…UNTIL HE SINGS.  Arden has such an amazing, youthful voice, and I could feel his anxiety for freedom in “Out There.”

And then Frollo comes upstairs and RUINS EVERYTHING.  He uses this kind but CONDESCENDING tone that just makes me want to throw something. Instead of ABC’s, Frollo tells Quasimodo the story of the flight into Egypt, when Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus fled from the persecution of the firstborn and were protected by St. Aphrodisius—MORE FORESHADOWING.  But they are so RUDELY interrupted by the Feast of Fools, and on that note

Phoebus is actually a cocky SOB—like sure, they sent me in just in case the festival goes awry, but all I’m really here for are the ladies, rest and recreation!

AND THEN CLOPIN SHOWS UP and introduces ESMERELDA and she dances and Phoebus is like “I’ve seen the face of an angel! I’ve been forever changed!”

With Quasimodo’s arrival they announce the contest for the king of fools, and that scene is pulled straight from the movie.  Aside from a few little details, they didn’t change much.

And after all that Esmerelda chases him down and tries to apologize, but is stopped by Frollo, who’s like “ew, I know your kind, you practice dark magic” and Esmerelda’s like “if I had magic, I’d use it to save my people!” and Frollo is like “well shoot she’s smart” and then gets tempted

Esmerelda says something very Christian-like and Frollo is like “oh, you wish to be saved? Stay until the end of the service I’d be happy to teach you” and leaves and she sings “God Help the Outcasts” and holy moly does Ciara Renee have a voice or what

But at the end of the song she sees Quasimodo watching her and runs after him, and the statues are yelling at him to find a place to hide, quickly, quickly, she’ll see you

But she finds him and finds out he’s nearly deaf because of all the bells he’s been ringing all his life. He tells her he was talking to his friends and then berates himself, and Esmerelda’s like “No, that’s wonderful, I like your friends.”  And Quasimodo’s face just lights up and immediately starts ringing the bells and telling them to sing for her—if that’s not the most wonderful show of affection I don’t know what is.

They both sing “The Top of the World” and throughout the whole thing Quasimodo slowly realizes that she’s not going to berate him like Frollo would and you just see him become more and more animated throughout the song.  At the end of the song she kisses him on the cheek and you can tell, you can tell that’s the first time he’s been kissed at all

And then Frollo comes upstairs and RUINS EVERYTHING. “Quasimodo what were you doing ringing the bells off-schedule?” He turns and sees Esmerelda and is all like “oh, I thought you had left! I can still teach you the ways of the church, just stay here forever.” And Esmerelda, bless her soul, actually turns him down politely.  “I don’t think this is a good idea.” Frollo reaches for her hand and she backs away.  “I see the way you look at me.”

Frollo jumps back like he’s been stung by the most overdramatic wasp in the world “hOW DARE YOU! Your soul is so unclean you can’t see goodness in others!” And calls the guards on her.

And then he berates Quasimodo for having impure thoughts and the gargoyles whisper around him, like snakes in the shadows as Quasimodo promises to never again think about her.

AND THEN STALKS HER TO A TAVERN. Okay, it’s indirect but stalking all the same.  And watches Esmerelda and Phoebus fall in love.

Then we get into Heaven’s Light, and Quasimodo has seen the true face of God, because there is a human down there who isn’t afraid of him, who touched his face and suddenly the darkness is filled with light, a light so bright it must be from Heaven…

And the next song is literally the flipside of Heaven’s Light; while Quasimodo sings about how pure and open Esmerelda was to him, Frollo clutches Esmerelda’s scarf and sings of Hellfire.  And I mean, Hellfire was the most dramatic part of the movie for me, so this part was a little underwhelming…but Page carried that entire scene.  My GOODNESS his voice.  And him stumbling around as the saints look down on him and berate him while Frollo just keeps repeating “It’s not my fault!” Like, you can tell he believes what he says but he knows there’s evil in him now (I mean, there was evil in him before, but the sneaky kind) as the lights slowly change from blue to red, closing in on him until everything is bathed in a hellish glow…

And for the rest of the musical he wears a black and red cape over his otherwise white robes, showing how he has fallen and is acting on his own urges.  

He visits the prison—literally swoops in like a bat from hell with his new cape—and King Louis XI is there overlooking the prison and he just looks at Frollo and goes “oH! My astrologer told me I would have an unexpected guest!” Frollo just…. dies inside.  I lost it.

Anyway he manipulates the king to give the church military power and now soldiers are going left and right searching for Esmerelda; they come to a brothel and the women refuse to talk and Frollo’s like “fine, burn it down.” and Phoebus is like “whoa, hell no.” and Frollo shrugs, stabs him in the back, and blames Esmerelda

We interrupt this moment to remind you that everyone in the chorus is literally an angel and together they sound like an actual cathedral choir, thank you for your time.

Meanwhile Quasimodo’s like “oh shoot, what do I do? I want to protect her” and the statues tell him to go after her, find her and protect her like St. Aphrodisius protected Mary. Quasimodo is still unsure, but St. Aphrodisius himself comes out of his stained-glass window and gives Quasimodo his blessing (and a bit of unneeded comedy along with it).

Esmerelda makes Quasimodo take care of Phoebus, Quasimodo lies to Frollo for the first time, and Frollo’s like, well, we found her hideout, we attack at dawn.

Phoebus and Quasimodo have the same chemistry in the musical as they do in the movie.  “You can barely speak!”  “You can hardly walk!” Their arguments are funny, but just like the movie, Clopin finds them and is like “well, they’re gonna hang!” Esmerelda stops it, and Frollo shows up and RUINS EVERYTHING.

Frollo has her locked up, he confesses his love in literally one of the most horrifying ways a person can confess.  He starts out soft, believing that he can save her, rescue her from dark magic and be her sanctuary forever.  He says Esmerelda has made him feel human…and then tries to force her to kiss him.  She strikes him. “Help, a demon! Help me, please!” (FINALLY, someone shows him the respect he deserves)

Phoebus and Esmerelda grieve over what’s going to happen, and when they sang “Someday” I cried.

But the song that shook me to my very core was “Made of Stone” where Quasimodo is tied to a post while the statues plead for him to do something and Quasimodo yells back, “I’ve wasted my faith believing in saints of plaster, but the only one worth believing in was my master”

“Take all the dreams you’ve sown, take all your lies and leave me alone!”

“All right, Quasimodo, we’ll leave you alone All right, Quasimodo, we’ll trouble you no longer You’re right, Quasimodo, we’re only made of stone We just thought that you were made of something stronger.”

And when he sings the last line….HOLY. HELL. I just…I don’t have words for that.

But he quickly changes his mind and rescues Esmerelda from the fire.  The choir swells again, singing the Dies Irae, as Quasimodo lays waste to the crowd outside Notre Dame with giant rocks and molten lead.  Phoebus rallies the crowd into rebellion.  As chilling as this scene is, I think “Oh, now it’s gonna be like the movie, right?” NO.

She dies.  The smoke got to her or something.  But she definitely dies.  And Quasimodo’s talk with Frollo doesn’t end with Frollo pulling a knife. It’s sad, and slow, and Quasimodo finally comes to the terms with the abuse he’s been living with while they both grieve over her death in different ways.  The shock on Quasimodo’s face as Frollo repeats the same pious talk of sanctuary just after killing someone…at this point, I want Frollo dead, obviously.

And so does Quasimodo. He stands up straight for the first time and we see…he’s taller than Frollo, and that scares him.  “The wicked shall not go unpunished,” he says.  “The wicked shall not go unpunished,” echo the statues.  The Dies Irae swells one final time as Quasimodo drags Frollo to the balcony, lifts him up—“I told you, master.  I am very strong.”

“You don’t want to hurt me!” Yes you do, whisper the monsters.

“Quasimodo raised his two huge hands, and with a great bellow threw his master over the edge of the roof and into the abyss below!”  And I am chilled to the bone.  Thanks for that.

And then Phoebus arrives cuz he missed everything. He can’t even lift her up, and they’re both grieving.

Then the chorus—they are seriously the best chorus in the history of ever—approach Quasimodo one at a time, smearing black paint on their faces and hunching over.  Quasimodo sets Esmerelda down and turns his back to the audience. The ghost of Quasimodo’s mother sings for him. Esmerelda gets up and walks through the doors to eternal salvation. She turns back to look at him. He stands up and faces the audience, no longer hunched over, not a speck of paint on his face. 

“What makes a monster, and what makes a man?”

And the chorus swells, and they all bow, and I want to see it again.  So I watch it again, because that’s the beauty of the digital age.

[cowandcalf]

Writer’s Month 2020 - To Find A Way

Prompt No.21 - Family Part II

Chapter 1 - 11

Chapter 12

Danny repeats his question with the same tender voice. Grace still seems awfully spooked. "Monkey, where's Steve? Did he run off?" Danny pats carefully over Grace's arms and legs. He squeezes with intent, gently but purposefully to make sure she's not hurt with broken bones or nasty bruises. "Sweetheart?" Grace clings to him as if she has seen a sea monster snapping with its foul fangs at her. Jesus, what the hell happened out there?

Also on AO3

He can't rush this. He can't make her speak faster and under no circumstances he wants to pressure her. He can't run outside either to go looking for Steve. His soul is split in half but his daughter comes first. Steve's a SEAL and he's confident Steve knows how to deal with such immense stress. God, he hopes Steve's not doing something stupid like to hurt himself. Oh shit, what if he jumped in the surf to outswim the noise and the panic? Ah, fuck! Danny breathes in a pattern to fake calmness. His baby girl is still trembling.

"Did Steve hurt you?" Danny's heart stops but he has to… he has to ask this. He still can't grasp how deep Steve's PTSD goes; how severe it is. They haven't talked about that sensitive topic. And three damn choppers could have freaked him completely. As a responsible father, he must make sure Steve didn't hurt Grace even if he acted with good intentions. "Look, Grace, Steve's very afraid of helicopters. He might have broken out in panic. I just need to know if he hurt you. Did he grab you? Shoved you away?"

Grace shakes her head and rubs her snotty nose over Danny's collarbone. She's still so hot. "Let's get you out of the life vest and all the rest. Why are you wearing it anyway?" Danny rocks her silently with his arms wrapped around her. He fumbles with the cords and the Velcro. The relief over Grace's answer makes Danny light-headed.

"Steve put it on. He said I need it." Her voice is hoarse from shouting and crying.

"Need it for what? Have you been in the water?" Danny finally manages to open the front. He pulls the vest over Grace's shoulders along with the floatation aids. Steve made sure she wouldn't drown. Danny shuts his eyes and sustains the wave of stress rippling through his chest. Steve must be in such bad shape.

"No, we were at the beach. Steve showed me how to dig a ditch," Grace breaks again into tears.

"Hey, hey, Monkey. Everything's going to be fine. I promise."

She sniffs, pressed against his body.  She's a hot, limp bundle of a scared child. Danny's heart aches for her. "He said I should run. I didn't want to leave, Danno but Steve shouted so loud and he cried. He shouted at me that I need to run into the house."

Danny's close to tears too. "It's okay, baby, it's okay." He bites his lips, "did he sound mean?"

"No," Grace hiccups. Her little body shakes with the disturbing deep sobs her body forces from her. Danny uses his shirt to wipe her nose but the tears don't want to stop flowing. "Steve said I need to run and go hide. He always shouted that I need to run to you. He said I can't look back. He said I need to run."

"That's good, baby. That's good. He wanted you to be safe. You know, Steve is so afraid of the sound of choppers. Choppers are like big monsters to him. The way they move and how they look like and they make so much noise. He doesn't like them. They scare him. And he was afraid you might get hurt." Danny pushes himself up from the couch and walks slowly towards the back door. "And he made sure you won't get hurt and that's fantastic."

Grace finally lifts her head. A good sign.

"What did scare you the most, sweetheart?" Danny steps out on the Lanai and walks steadily and with an unhurried pace down to the beach.

"Everything was so loud. Steve talked so fast with a funny voice. I wanted to be with him but he pushed me away. He said it's dangerous and I got scared and there was so much noise."

"I know, three helicopters can be very intimidating when they fly by that close. But you did so well, Grace. I'm so sorry you had to go through this alone. Did Steve spook you when he shouted at you?"

She shakes her head and stops, "a bit," she whispered." She rubs at her eyes.

"I know, Grace, I know. I'm going to make it okay, I promise. Next time, I'll stay with you."

Grace's life spirits awake again. Danny is immensely grateful for his little girl's solid spirit. She has such a strong backbone. This fallout needs way more treatment like psychological band-aids consisting of ice cream and Disney movies and lots of happy stories to get her innocent child-balance back. And Steve needs to talk to her. He needs to make her understand why he reacted in this frightening way. And he has to read a wonderful book to her to mend that crack that happened because of this incident.

Grace wraps her arms around his neck. "Are we going back to Steve?"

"Yes, Monkey. We have to check up on him. He's scared too but he's a grown-up and grown-ups don't show how terribly they're terrified. We make sure he's alright, okay?" This short, sharp terror has left Danny nauseous and with muscles hard from tensing up. Danny's gait is unsteady on the sand. His legs are wobbly. He hates not to know in what condition he might find Steve. He has no idea if he's even there. He can't overthink this. He just needs to walk.

"Look, Danno! There's Steve!" Grace speaks up and points over to a bush a few feet away from the half-finished sandcastle. Nothing points out what just went down a few moments ago. The battleground isn't visible this time, the destruction is only in his baby girl's and Steve's minds and that's a mean thing.

"Ah, thank God. There he is. You have eyes like a hawk. You're great, Grace." Danny just walks. He can't think and he feels like breaking down when he looks over to where Steve holds it together. Danny carries Grace lightly in his arms. Nothing shows how frightened he is to find a version of his Steve he hasn't known so far.

Steve kneels in the sand. Eyes closed. His fingers dig into his thighs. His muscles pop and flex everywhere. And he shakes uncontrollably. His skin glistens in the sun. Sweat runs down his face and drops from his chin to soak his swim shorts. His face is a hard mask. Danny stops and unfolds his inner detective. He needs some inner distance to get through this. He also keeps distance in case Steve jumps up with the confused focus to attack him not knowing that his mind is trapped in a former nightmare.

Danny puts Grace down and tells her to wait. "Grace, please, wait and stay put. I need to check if Steve can hear us. He might jump up or he might even yell. I don't know. He's so scared he doesn't even try to look up."

"I want to be with you, Danno." Grace grabs his hand and presses her face into his hips. He hugs her with one arm.

"Okay, stay behind me. We walk slowly towards Steve." Danny clears his throat. The alarm bells that are ringing in his ears tell him he should leave Grace and meet Steve alone. But his heart tells him, Steve's going to recognize him. Maybe Steve is even hoping for someone to come for him, rescue him.

"Steve," Danny calls over to where the man he loves so much sits motionless. His breathing is shallow and fast. "Steve! It's me, Danny, and I'm with Grace. She's with me. We are safe. Grace is safe. You protected her." Danny stops three feet from Steve and waits. He desperately wants to touch him, wants to yank him up and into his arms. He needs to see Steve's eyes, needs to make sure he hasn't flipped a switch and just has left him. "Steve, please, if you can hear me, give me a sign," Danny shouts a bit louder. "We are in Hawaii, at your beach, at your home. There's no war. The choppers are gone." Danny inches forward but halts again. If he kisses the sand face first, he wouldn't be surprised. His heart slams hard against his chest.

"Why doesn't he say anything?" Grace whimpers.

Ah fuck, if Grace is ever gonna tell anything of this terrible afternoon at home, Rachel won't allow him to take her to Steve ever again. Danny curses all the events that have left a brave, strong, wonderful man to end up as a psychological wreck.

"Steve, please, let me know if you can hear us. I know, it sucks. Everything sucks but Grace is safe, you are safe. Everything is okay. No combat, no battlefield, no gunshots, no attacks. Just wonderful, chillin' Hawaii." He talks with a soft, unsteady voice.

Steve turns his head and opens his eyes. Danny can't really tell if he sees them. He looks lost. Danny can't stand the desperate, haunted look in his eyes. And he hates to witness how Steve's eyes widen in surprise. Danny inhales deeply. "Do you recognize us, Steve?"

"Yes, I do. You're Danny and that's Grace." Steve answers with what must be his soldier's voice. He doesn't get up. He just stares for a long time. He makes sure Grace sees him. "I apologize, little princess. I didn't mean to scare you that much. I didn't mean to shout at you. I lost it. I thought you were in danger. I'm – I'm so very sorry." He murmurs apologetically.

"Can I go to him?" Grace whispers at Danny's side.

Danny swallows past the knot in his throat. "Yes, baby, but walk slowly and make sure, Steve sees you clearly." He stands right behind his daughter and walks with her. Danny's entire soul aches because he can't feel Steve. Steve's gone, withdrawn to a place Danny can't follow.

"Steve," Grace whispers and scoots closer, "you don't have to be scared anymore. The plane is gone and the noise too."

Danny wants to burst into tears. How does his little girl know what to say? He watches how a little wonder unfurls right in front of his eyes. His little girl puts her small hand onto Steve's shoulder. She talks to him about how they can start to rebuild the sandcastle and how she likes the buckets. She still wants to go swimming with him and that she's really hungry.

Danny waits. He doesn't dare to move. The scenery is as peaceful as it has been half an hour ago. It's grotesque to even imagine what inner violence due to the horrible war experience the stupid choppers have stirred to life. Steve looks terribly exhausted. His skin seems greyish around his nose and he can't stop shaking. Danny sees how his eyes wander over Grace's face. And he still watches when Steve finally breaks. Silent, desperate tears roll down Steve's face and Danny hears Grace saying that she doesn't want him to be sad.

Grace climbs in Steve's lap and stands on his thighs to hug him around his neck. Danny observes the scene in awe how his little girl circles her arms with so much braveness around Steve. She pierces through Steve's steely walls with the forceful belief of a child that everything will go away once the tears are dry. Danny knows Steve still holds it together but his shoulder shake and he barely dares to hug Grace's small back with his large hand.

Danny steps closer to be finally able to touch Steve. He fans with his fingers carefully through Steve's hair. "You didn't think we'd come for you, Steve." He states. "You thought we'd take off, angry and disappointed and hurt. You thought we would just leave you." Danny bites the inside of his cheek hard. "I love you, Steve. And I mean it. I'll always come for you." Danny adds with a broken voice. "Always."

Steve's jaw muscles pop drastically. He hugs Grace as if she's a rare and delicate butterfly.

"Come on Grace, let Steve get up. We still have lasagna to eat and after this shock, we all need ice cream and a funny movie to watch." Danny waits but Grace makes the monkey, the movement that got her the nickname. She wraps her legs around Steve's waist and hugs his neck as tight as possible and clings to him like a monkey-baby to his mother.

"Come one, Steve. Get up and let's go back inside. Let's try to eat something. Let's try to put this last half hour behind us. We need some happy memories after this." Danny knows Steve's guilt about what has happened eats him up from the inside out. "I love you," Danny whispers again.

Steve can't look at him but he has to wrap his arm around Grace to carry her. Danny walks by Steve's side and waits. When they pass the old wooden chairs, Steve reaches with his arm for Danny and pulls him to his side. Silently they walk back to the house.

TBC

[anothergirlrecovering]

I had a bit of a breakdown tonight. I was studying for my exam and saw the list of common childhood mental health diagnoses and it felt like an overwhelming wave of “my whole life could have been different if someone had gotten me help”. I met criteria for specific phobia, ocd, inattentive adhd, and Arfid easily. No one ever did anything about it. My parents and church responded with pray about it’s. Quote scripture. On my drive home I began to cry and felt so angry and I wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to feel less alone. I’ve felt so alone lately. I shouted at god. And I fought against myself for a few minutes about whether or not to reach out to dixie. I texted her. No response. I got home and sat on the floor and cried for thirty minutes. She responded and said she had been thinking of me earlier but she’s out of state for a funeral and wanted to know if I was ok and wanted to call. I initially said it was fine but her response was kind and since she said she was hanging out at the hotel, I called. I sobbed and asked if it was okay to be this angry at god because I’m looking back at my whole life wondering why nothing ever changed. Why my prayers weren’t answered. Why my pain was never seen. She was kind. I cried harder. She said my parents and church will have to answer to god one day for how they abused his name and neglected me. She said I was just an innocent child needing nurturence and they threw everything into a simple prayer solution when I needed help. She said it was ok to be angry. She said she loves me and I have so many gifts and she sees god working through me. She said I need to love myself and let go of the baggage. It’s easier said than done and she admitted she didn’t know how the psychological part of my mental health issues affects my ability to let it go. She said it’s a process and to keep going. At times in the conversation I felt sad but grateful for her kind words. At other times I felt annoyed by the simplicity of choosing to not pick up the baggage or obsess over the past. She’s honest. She doesn’t have the answers. That’s okay. By the time we hung up I was mildly sniffling but I felt better. Certainly not sure and not believing that I’m good enough or worthy of loved, but I felt some relief. I felt less alone. I’ve never called anyone sobbing like that. She suggested making a list of what baggage I’m holding onto and the wonderful things about me. She overestimates my ability to see good things in myself. She talked about getting old and how you can look back and see so many things come together. She said in twenty years I’ll be looking back and seeing this all coming together. I hope so. She pointed out that while life is still messy and painful, we also have a lot of good.

I ended up looking back through my fb albums. I was looking for a specific type of picture so I started from the very beginning. Honestly, I was hit with a lot of joy. I’ve had a good life in spite of the shit that weighs me down. I’ve traveled. I had good friends in college. I’m quick to moan about how my ed robbed me of friendships. It did in many ways, but I had so much good in spite of it. I had a wonderful sorority. We laughed a lot. Europe was a blast. Our inner clubs were ridiculous. I ate a lot of midnight cookie dough. I was silly. I was a kick ass ra with ridiculously goofy funny pranks. I made dumb decisions, like running at four am and breaking my foot. I learned from it. I met a cute boy. I married him. I played a lot of music. I lived for frozen yogurt. I made a lot of trips back home. We laughed a lot.

My life isn’t what I want it to be, but my life maybe isn’t as bad as it always feels. Maybe I’m all over the place. Maybe the breakdown shifted things. Maybe it’s just a good ending to a shitty night. Whatever it is, I feel weirdly peaceful for the first time in a very long time.