#the important thing is that *i* have never heard of anything emily recommends me

[grimark]

the fact that dungeon meshi got so popular on here all of a sudden is so funny to me because emily recommended it to me like a year and a half ago, but emily reads some bizarre shit that nobody else on the planet has ever heard of, even the artist who presumably drew it has not heard of it. but now every post on my dashboard is either about those vampires divorcing each other or it's the fuckin. great dungeon crawl baking show.

[revolutionsingingintherainnn]

Luke got his first guitar when he was seven years old. His ADHD therapist had recommended that he pick up a hobby as a fixation to redirect all his energy instead of doing something that could potentially harm him. Emily and Mitch had tried a lot of things at first. Cooking, drawing, basketball, running, everything that a seven year old would find interesting. But, as soon as Luke got his first guitar from his parents, he knew he had found his passion.

Emily and Mitch thought it was his fixation. Luke knew that music was the love of his life.

Two years into playing everyday, trying to practice chords from his favourite songs, and making new riffs just to see if he could make a decent song. He could, for a nine year old. His love for music was also how he met his best friends, Reggie, Alex, and Bobby. The Patersons had assumed that the boys had bonded over their hobby of creating music, or just playing covers of songs they liked. They never realised how much more important music was to them than they let it show.

Mitch and Emily did not seem to have a problem with the guitar and the lyrics and the music going on constantly. As long as Luke didn’t do anything that could harm him, they were fine. And when, at twelve, Luke started talking about making a career for himself in music, he started talking about being the best Rock band to ever exist, Emily and Mitch didn’t pay much attention at that time either.

But then, Luke got into high school, and he still spoke about creating music as a career for himself, and he still practised more with his band than doing homework or studying, and the Patterson couple couldn’t ignore it anymore. They knew that their son was very much serious about his choices.

So, they tried to explain it to him gently at first. Tried to tell him all the cons of being a musician. Instability in finance, no privacy, constant pressure, ‘all or nothing’ mentality, and the list went on and on and on. But Luke kept repeating to them, day after day, night after night, “I’ll do all of the bad stuff if it means that I can feel connected to the rest of the world through music. I’ll do all of it if I could just make people feel understood and valid, and alive.”

And Mitch would always just say, “That’s not your job, Luke. Leave it for someone else. You should focus on being able to provide for yourself and your family.”

And it went for months, and those months turned into years, and their gentle explanations turned to screaming and taunting and making comments about his choices. In the start, Luke would escape to Alex’s house, or Reggie’s, or Bobby’s. They’d never ask him to explain, and just cuddle with him and pretend not to notice when he cried, because they knew Luke would tell them when he was ready to.

By the time Luke was sixteen, he felt like he was immune to his parents’ words. It was the same thing over and over, like a broken record, and Luke had lost the will in him to fight his parents, to beg for their support and love. He just sat on the couch and listened as his parents screamed at him from behind.

“The boy never listens to me. He doesn’t understand that he needs to do something productive with his life.” Emily screamed.

“I worked so hard and paid so much money to get you into a good school, Luke, and you’re just going to waste it all away.” Mitch said.

“I mean, at least, think about your future family. No one will want to be a broke so-called rock star who’s scraping through life. Think of how you’ll provide for us when we’re old. Or are you going to make your father work all his life?” Emily yelled at him.

“Honestly, Emily, I think we should start keeping money aside for retirement. We shouldn’t trust him to be able to provide for us, if he won’t be able to provide for himself. We can’t be dependent on him if he’s going to have a very unstable job.” Mitch said.

And with all the screaming and taunts and the words echoing in Luke’s brain, he was surprised when his parents heard him. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but he said it before he could stop himself.

“Pay attention to me, please.”

Emily and Mitch turned towards him so fast, but he remained seated on the couch, staring out the window. “What?”

“Pay attention to me, please.” Luke said, louder.

He stood up, turning to his parents, “For once in your life, please, just pay attention to me. Pay attention to what I want to do, and support me and love me for it. Listen to what I’m trying to say. Listen to what my vision, my goal in life is, instead of putting your goals on mine. Listen to what I’m thinking and what I’m trying to plan, keeping everyone in the loop, instead of throwing assumptions about what could be.

Please, just pay attention to the words I’m screaming so quietly at you.”

The Pattersons did not respond well to what Luke had said. Luke ran away for the first time that night, coming back after the police caught him three weeks later. And then at seventeen, he left for good. They never paid attention to him. They never listened to him.

In 2020, after Luke, Reggie, and Alex had become humans, and Julie had told Ray the full truth, Ray had enrolled them in Julie’s school. He had asked the boys to select the courses they would enjoy.

Luke wanted to choose music, and he knew he could, but his parents’s words stopped him. Because, what if they didn’t make it big? What if he was barely above the water? What if he couldn’t take care of Julie, of Alex, of Reggie? What if he failed his family?

Luke chose a programme he would never be happy in.

When he’d given his sheet to Ray, Ray had looked at his selections, and just said, “Are you sure, mijo?”

Luke nodded, though his eyes told a different story. His twisting fingers told a different story. His bouncing feet told a different story.

Ray had nodded, and pulled out his laptop to file it in.

When school had started, and Luke got his schedule, his eyes filled with tears when he saw the classes for the music programme instead of the sucky one he had chosen. Julie had hugged him, and Alex and Reggie wrapped themselves around him without a word. Maybe they knew. Maybe they didn’t. Luke was just happy in that moment.

That night, when Luke got a moment alone with Ray, he whispered, “Thank you.”

Ray knew what he was talking about and he said, “I’ve gotten good at paying attention to silent screams. You can be who you want in this house. No restrictions.”

Luke hugged Ray, sobbing uncontrollably.

Someone finally paid attention to him.

[evilwickedme]

What are some of your favorite books?

Sorry for taking so long to answer this when I asked for Qs on my birthday I really did expect something easier to answer

Anyway top books are the raven cycle and I've greatly enjoyed anything else of Stiefvater's I've read (except shiver), almost anything written by v e Schwab (notable exception is this savage song, I didn't even read the sequel) the night circus and the starless sea, the six of Crows duology, king killer chronicles (which sucks bc the third book is definitely never coming out) especially the slow regard of silent things, and I don't care what people say about how cringe it is the all for the game series is so important to me

I also love anything I've read by Diana Wynne Jones although I haven't read even a fraction of her writings - like uh eight or nine books I think? I have a few more I haven't read yet I'll hopefully get to soon but like I think she wrote like 30 or 40 books. Ella enchanted and the brothers lionheart are a couple of my childhood favs. The strange and beautiful sorrows of ava lavender is a book I read in like early hs that I thought I might've overhyped in my head but then I reread it a couple of years ago and it's SO GOOD. I listened to the entire murderbot diaries a few months ago, fucking delightful. The lies of locke lamora is so good. Spinning silver and uprooted are PEAK. I haven't finished the sequels yet but the fifth season is so fucking good if you've been afraid it's overrated it really is not. The Carls duology by hank green is also really good

Special mention to never contented things which is one of the books that affected me the most ever but I've never managed to reread and I honestly can't recommend it easy bc it's pretty dark but if you look up the trigger warnings and want to give it a short go ahead

For classics, pride and prejudice and emma are easily my favs. I love Emily Dickinson's poetry so much I dedicated my book to her (link in bio if you want to check it out 👀👀)

I have another ask waiting for me asking for my fav comics so I'll put that aside for now

I also really like listening to celebrity autobiographies and there's some rly mediocre ones but there's also ones I can't recommend enough. Obviously we've all heard of I'm glad my mom died, I think it was my top read of 2022 don't quote me on that tho I have shitty memory. Born with teeth by kate mulgrew is something truly special, I don't have the words honestly. Where am I now by mara wilson made me cry in public. I don't really read much nonfiction that isn't autobiographies (I'm working on it but it doesn't grab my attention as easily) but denial by deborah lipstadt is really good, I liveblogged reading that a few years ago

Obviously I've read and loved so many more books but I think this is so long as is! Yeah it's a hectic mix of many genres (fantasy scifi contemp romance poetry autobiographies adventure) and target age groups (all ages and ya and na and adult), but every single one of these is a genuine rec that I love. Thank you so much for asking!!

[desperatecheesecubes]

Now that we’re into March here’s my reading wrap up for February! (Part 1 because I read too many things for Tumblr)

Interesting facts About Space By Emily Austen

Dates Read: February 1-2.

Review: 5 stars

Thoughts: I loved this as much as I loved Everyone In This Room Will Someday Be Dead. I was a little apprehensive in the beginning about how I would like this writing style over a full length novel but I needn’t have worried.

Things You May Find In My Ear: Poems from Gaza by Mosab Abu Toha

Dates Read: February 2-3

Review: Four Stars

Thoughts: I don’t think I can speak articulately about what is happening, and has been happening, in Palestine. This collection was painful to read and very important I think.

The Splendid City by Karen Heuler

Dates Read: January 29-February 4

Review: 2 stars

Thoughts: have you ever thought you had important things to say, sat down and thought real hard about how to articulate them, but then realized you sounded like an idiot? Yeah that’s this whole book. It’s BAD. It’s a fucking mess. I do not recommend it to anyone,

Green Lantern (2023) issues 7-8

Dates Read: February 7 and February 18

Review: 3 stars and 3 stars

Thoughts: im really enjoying this run so far! It’s got everything I like! Hal’s dysfunctional relationship with Carol, Kyle being definitely totally mentally well FOR SURE, and Guy ready to fuck shit up immediately! I have not been reading the back ups because, and this is true, I could not care less about this son of Sinestro that’s been shoehorned into being. Sinestro already had a daughter who was complex and fleshed out. And if they wanted to keep writing Supersons they shouldn’t have aged up Jon 🤷‍♀️. And can you fucking believe they’re ignoring Chris Kent again?! Everyday I be seething.

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See

Dates Read: February 4-8

Review: 4 stars

Thoughts: Lisa See knows how to write books that destroy me and I hope she never stops. The scene where they were trapped on a mountain and debating which son to let die?? Holy shit. The movie was bad though lol.

Batman the Cult issues 1-4

Dates Read: February 9, February 10, February 12, February 18

Review: 3 stars

Thoughts: Started this miniseries because I was sad the Robin in Infinity Inc wasn’t Jason lmao. Over all this was an interesting story I guess but it’s no longer a unique one in the way it might have been when published. Batman gets beaten by his villians mentally kind of a lot now. I’d also heard this was a great story for Jason and I… don’t really agree? He never really did anything lol.

Infinity Inc: the Generations Saga Vol 1

Dates Read: February 7-9

Review: 3 stars

Thoughts: I was so fucking confused going into this because I forgot it takes place on Earth 2, and ALSO because I didn’t realize the first few issues happen during World War II. But it was a fun set up. Can’t believe Dick went out like a bitch in this timeline tho. Homie does not have a good record.

Superman Lost issues 8-10

Dates Read: February 18

Review: 3 stars (miniseries gets a 4 over all)

Thoughts: I wish the pacing had been just a little different (I would have loved to explore Lois dealing with her impending death more, Clark mourning the loss of a child more etc etc. also Lois getting instacured wasn’t my favorite thing) but I really enjoyed what this mini did. I’ll probably have to reread the whole thing to figure it out but I gave it 4 stars over all.

Spidergwen: Smash! Issue 3

Dates Read: February 18

Review: 3 stars

Thoughts: I just think they should make Gwen and Em-Jay kiss

Adventures of Superman issues 511-512

Dates Read: February 18, February 22

Review: 3 stars, 3 stars

Thoughts: This arc was fine until Superman started swelling up a whole bunch….

[denimbex1986]

'Last weekend, I completed the ultimate cinematic pilgrimage that has been blocked off on my calendar for months. The unassuming double act of Barbie, a glitzy family-friendly movie centred around the iconic children's toy that isn't afraid to confront issues of gender dynamics and patriarchy, and Oppenheimer, a mature and engrossing look into the life of J. Robert Oppenheimer during the development of the first nuclear bomb, was thoroughly enjoyable for the full six hours I spent sitting in a cinema. Affectionately titled "Barbenheimer", the back-to-back cinema experience was a rollercoaster of emotions and I thoroughly recommend both movies, however, one movie had to come out on top.

As the title may suggest, that film was Oppenheimer, and to put it bluntly, it might be the best cinema experience I have ever had. The film itself is a masterpiece, with Oscar-worthy performances from the likes of Cillian Murphy, Emily Blunt, Matt Damon, Robert Downey Jr and Benny Safdie, and the score has been on repeat in my earphones no matter where I go.

That being said, it was the cinema experience itself that helped to convey this spectacular film in all its glory. Now, I couldn't make it to a 70mm IMAX showing, but I stood firm in not compromising with a lesser screening, so seeing it in standard digital IMAX which is the next best thing. After spending days convincing my friends who were (mostly) adamant that a standard showing would be fine, it was only after I threatened to see it in IMAX by myself (thus jeopardising the Barbenheimer experience as a whole) that I eventually got them to cave and go to an IMAX screening; and before you call me emotionally manipulative, it was for the sake of cinema and art.

This was ultimately the best thing that could have happened, as the film was nothing short of mesmerising in IMAX. I'll try not to spoil anything, but let's face it, you know they're going to set off a nuclear bomb in this film, it was bound to happen. The expanded aspect ratio of the screen gave the full impact of the explosion, as an awe-inspiring yet terrifying column of fire encompassed the screen. Visually the pure scale, mixed with Nolan's masterful direction, can only be truly appreciated on a screen of this size in my humble opinion.

However, it turned out to be the sound in our screening that played the most important role, as the speakers really did the film justice. As the bomb is set off in the Trinity Test section of the film, there is a frantic build-up that instilled more anxiety into me than in any film I've seen before, followed by a minute or so of silence as the scientists and military witness their creation, which is only broken by Murphy's chilling rendition of Oppenheimer's iconic quote "now I become Death, the destroyer of worlds".

Shortly after, the full effect of the bomb is not only heard but felt, as an almighty boom erupts from the speakers, which admittedly made me jump out of my skin. It was so bassy and effective that my seat began juddering violently, and at that moment I was utterly entranced.

Speaking to friends who live in Cornwall, far away from any IMAX cinemas, they found it hard to relate to the way I felt watching the film, which I found gutting as it was absolutely a spectacle. That's not to say they didn't enjoy it, but that it just didn't have the same impact, which sent me on somewhat of a spiral, as I realised that I too will never be able to see that film in the way I did again. Sure I could fork out for more IMAX tickets, but theatrical releases only last so long and I can't think of any affordable home cinema gear that could replicate the way I watched it.

If it isn't already apparent, I loved the film and would quite like to rewatch it, but it's three hours long which is quite the commitment to make for a film I've already seen. No problem, I'll just buy the 4K Blu-ray; the only issue there is that there's only one thing I'd want to watch it on, and that's the 15 thousand pound Sony VPL-XW7000ES 4K laser projector, which is a bit out of my budget.

And that brings us to the sound, as although we have tested some truly excellent home theatre speakers and AV receivers, I doubt any of them could provide the visceral sofa-shaking sound of the IMAX theatre. So what am I to do? Just never watch the film again? Or perhaps I'll wait for a theatrical re-release, as the BFI often hold these, which is likely my best bet. Ultimately I'd really like to watch it again at home, but I just can't imagine a TV and soundbar doing it any justice.

If there's anything to take from the experience, it would be this: I would strongly recommend that if you plan on seeing Oppenheimer in cinemas, splurge on the IMAX tickets. The whole film is shot using IMAX cameras, so watching it on a screen that supports the expanded aspect ratio and enhanced picture quality makes it a visual treat, and the sound design in the film is begging to be appreciated through a proper cinema sound system.'

[letarasstuff]

You are not gonna meet them

(A/N): This was requested by an anon. I hope you all enjoy it :)

Summary: How will their beloved intern react, when the BAU is able to profile that she is seeing someone?

Warnings: One swear word (for the sake of a vine reference)

Wordcount: 1.2k

✨Masterlist✨

__________________________________

“What is their name?” Confused (Y/N) takes her eyes off the cup of her favorite hot beverage. To make sure Derek really speaks to her, she turns around in the breakroom. It’s only the two of them. “Whose name? I’m (Y/N), but Derek I work here for two months already. Aren’t you a little too young to suffer from Alzheimer’s yet?”

He laughs into his own cup before taking a sip. “You are seeing someone. Don’t try to hide that from a bunch of profilers, there is no use in that.”

Being the ever stoic and mature teenager, she sticks her tongue out. “I’m not hiding anything. I’m the CEO of being an open book. But spill your tea about your deductions, Sherlock.”

“As you wish, Watson. You are wearing tinted lip balm instead of your usual clear lip balm. I saw you reapplying it after you dropped off some files in Hotch’s office. Also you have a new hairstyle, which looks quite nice on you. In addition to that you wear a bottom up and I saw you wearing one only once and that was when you had to dress up for an undercover thing. Therefore I come to the conclusion that this is your definition of dressing up and I see no reason for it except you want to impress someone and I know for a fact that everybody in this building is too old for you. So, what’s their name?”

“Whatever”, (Y/N) breathes under her breath and makes an effort to escape this interrogation. But Spencer, who also decided it’s time for the trillions refill of his cup of sugar with a drop of coffee, stands in the doorway. “Spencer, can you please step aside? I have work to do”, she asks him sighing. But the genius doesn’t bulge.

(Y/N) looks dumbfounded at her coworker and friend. “I- that was pretty good. But you haven’t considered that I may have a meeting with our dear Section Chief regarding my future in the FBI.” At the end she smiles, thinking she has won this round. “I did”, Morgan answers, wiping the grin from her face, “ and I know again for a fact that this meeting is next week, because Hotch is seeing her today to talk about that subject. So, what are they like?”

“Oh, does our favorite intern have a love interest? (Y/N), why didn’t you tell me anything?” Emily asks as she enters the breakroom. “No, I don-” “Princess, I told you it isn’t possible to lie to us. We are basically human lie detectors.”

“I heard tea and I want you to spill it.” He says, proud to put the phrase she taught him a while ago in the right context. “There is not tea, just a lame glass of water”, (Y/N) responds and squeezes past him. The three profilers look at each other in confusion. Attracted by her confounding statement, they follow her to her desk.

“Why are you stalking the child?” Rossi asks with Hotch hot on his heels. “(Y/N) is seeing someone, but isn’t willing to tell us anything about them. Now we try to pry every bit of information from her”, Spencer explains.

The talked about subject sits at her desk, acting like nothing just occurred while going through some reports. “Are you talking about her crush?” JJ joins the group observation. Everybody looks at her in shock. “What do you know about this?” Derek may be a bit overprotective over his favorite princess.

“Probably not more than you. I just saw her smiling down at her phone and I didn’t spot a cute dog or cat picture so I figured it has to be an important someone”, JJ explains whilst shrugging her shoulders.

“I don’t like this guessing. Why don’t we just ask her?” Rossi is up and goes to (Y/N), the calls of his team members falling on deaf ears.

As the teenager hears the oncoming footsteps, she lifts her head and spies the older Italian. “Not you, too.” A groan leaves her lips while rubbing her forehead in distress. “Bambi, think of it as that: The earlier you confess to your lies, the earlier your conscience is lifted. So tell us about them, will you?”

The rest of the team inches closer to the duo, while (Y/N) contemplates her choices. “Well that is interesting. But what’s also interesting is: I don’t give a shit” Confused by her unusual speech pattern, Rossi throws a pointy glance towards her.

“Fine”, she once again sighs, knowing there is no other way to escape this situation. Not even the teenager’s sarcasm or pop culture can help her anymore.

Eagerly the team crowds around her desk, even Hotch is ready to get some good tea served. “I met them on the bus. Since I started here we rode the same bus every morning and afternoon. Their hair was the first thing I noticed about them. After a month I worked up the courage to talk to them.”

“And?” Morgan asks as (Y/N) doesn’t continue for several minutes. “I chickened out. No cap. But they chatted me up the next day and we are texting each other for several weeks now and we maybe have kind of our first date tomorrow and see each other for the last time today before the date and I want to leave a lasting impression maybe?” At the end she turns red. Like legit red, with tomato ears and stuff.

A loud squeal is heard. “OMG (Y/N) THIS IS SO CUTE I LITERALLY AM DEAD! OUR BABY IS FEELING LOOOOOVE! CLAP THOSE CHEEKS!” Although it seems impossible, she turns even redder at Penelope’s outburst.

“Ok, princess. I’m happy for you, but we need to meet them before you go with them anywhere. How old are they? What do they do for a living? What is their name? Garcia needs to make a background check”, Derek swivels her chair in his direction, looking the girl straight in the eye to make sure he is dead serious.

“Do they read? Emilia Clarke once said to never trust anybody, whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf, and I recommend you to follow that advice”, Spencer adds. “Can we help get you ready? I wanted to do a makeover for you for ages already”, Penelope throws in. JJ and Emily nod at that, showing that they too want to participate in this.

“Are you sure they are not basic, Bambi?” “Oh, Rossi. Never say that again. You are not allowed to talk like ever. Yes, I’m sure they got a cake and an even bigger heart. Before you also say anything complete out of line, Hotch: You all aren’t allowed to see them before I’m completely sure. Period. No complains.”

It’s safe to say that Aaron just needs to flash his doe eyes to convince (Y/N) that they indeed will meet their date before they go out together. I mean, who is better at delivering The Talk to a date than a bunch of (intimidating) profilers and a (even more intimidating) tech goddess?

Taglist:

All works:

@agentshortstacc

Criminal Minds:

@averyhotchner @mggsprettygirl

[yourmidnightlover]

Dreams of Iris - Chapter 1

chapter 1 - sealed with a kiss

series masterlist

spencer reid x fem!reader

series overview: when introduced by penelope, reader and spencer take on a sexual bdsm relationship. secrets are discovered as time goes by. what happens when they both try to discover who the other is within themselves?

series warnings: bdsm themes, smut (rough sex, penetrative sex, spitting, choking, cum play, fingering, oral (male and female receiving), bondage, overstimulation, edging, grinding, thigh riding, handjob, aftercare), talk about/illuding to previous abusive relationship, angst, crying. this series is 18+

chapter summary: when spencer and reader are at penelope’s birthday party, their paths cross, and they’re able to get to know each other.

chapter warnings: mostly fluff, mild sexual innuendoes

A/N: hi!! i’ve been pretty mia the past few days, i know. i’m sorry for the constant breaks i’ve been having. my mental and physical health has been slowly declining over the past month but we’re finally getting back uphill! i’ve been thinking about making this series for a while now, but never truly started it. i hope you enjoy this and the future chapters!

“i’m so sorry i’m late, pen,” you rushed out with a smile. “after i played with him, my dog wouldn’t come back inside.”

“oh, gosh it’s alright!” she assured you with a wave as if she were actively brushing it away. “anything for charlie.”

“he’s a handful, alright,” you laughed once more as you entered her apartment.

the place was decked out with color, and you expected nothing less from the dazzling woman. there were neon balloons, a few streamers, and you could see the cake she placed on the counter.

“so where’s the fiancé?” you gently nudged her shoulder.

“he’s somewhere in the kitchen making small talk,” she rolled her eyes. “even though i told him to refill the punch bowl!” she directed her gaze to where luke was talking to emily in the kitchen.

“poor guy,” you winced as he looked towards penelope, surely remembering what she had asked of him before he jumped into action and opened the fridge door.

“sorry, princess,” he chuckled as he walked towards penelope after refilling the bowl, placing a chaste peck on her cheek.

“what happened to queen, huh?” she chuckled while trying to keep a straight face on, pretending to scold the man.

“oh, you’re right,” he sighed. “you’ll always be my queen - mainly of ice, but i digress,” he laughed before turning his attention towards you. “hey, y/n. it’s so good to see you again,” he reached for a hug which you gladly embraced.

“you too, man,” you smiled before releasing him from your grasp. “how’s the almost-married life treating you?”

“it’s going amazing with this one,” the couple looked at each other with the epitome of heart eyes.

“he’s so cheesy, i know,” penny grinned with a fake scoff thrown his way.

you could only hope to find a love so enchanting one day. a love that stole your heart and mind all the while allowing you to grow as your own person with them. a love that would emphasize all the best qualities you had and helped you find your best self.

“it’s mostly just the team here, so if you’d like i could introduce you to the ones you don’t already know?”

“that’d be great, actually!” you nodded as she looped your arm into hers, beginning to lead you around the place.

“so you’ve met emily and jj, right?”

“yea, at karaoke night,” you clarified as you waved at the two of them in the kitchen where luke was once talking. “and i met rossi at one of his book signings.”

“right! i forgot you read those books,” she bit her lower lip. “tara? matt?”

“tara i also met at karaoke night, she can get pretty wild. i’m pretty sure matt was with his family that time, though,” you informed her as she approached matt and his wife, the two being very attractive.

“matt, kristy, this is y/n y/l/n, one of my best friends,” she kindly introduced you, placing a hand on your back as you smiled at the couple.

“hi, y/n,” matt extended his hand to shake. “it’s so nice to finally meet you.”

“you as well,” you replied. “i’ve heard only great things about pen’s team.”

“this one included?” kristy joked as she nudged her husband. “i’m kidding, he’s truly great. it’s so nice to meet you,” she shook your hand as well.

“alright, we have one more stop to make,” penny whispered in your ear before taking your arm in hers once more and guiding you to where spencer, as she’s shown you in pictures, was sitting on the couch.

he’s much more beautiful in person. the photos didn’t seem to do him justice, especially that jawline of his.

“spencer, this is y/n y/l/n,” he looked up from his book to greet you, his eyes going wide before he cleared his throat.

“um… hi, y/n,” he smiled. “i’m doctor rei-spencer reid, but you can call me spencer or reid or whatever you’d prefer, really,” he stumbled out.

“hi, spencer,” you nodded, extending your hand to shake. “you can call me y/n,” you joked, a soft laugh leaving the both of you as your eye contact continued.

“okay, so i believe you’ve now met the full team!” penny interrupted, giving you a pat on the back before having you sit beside spencer.

“so…” you trailed on after pen walked away. “i’m assuming it’s phd and not md.”

“oh, yes,” he laughed as he closed the book, home turning his body to face you. “i have three phd’s.”

“pen did say you were the genius of the team,” you nudged his shoulder gently.

“i uhm-garcia tends to brag a bit on her friends,” he humbly explained, trying to bite back the persistent grin.

“oh come on,” you egged him on. “it’s alright to admit when you’re above average. i mean, 3 phds? she told me how you can read like a billion words a minute and have an eidetic memory.”

“i-i mean… in a way that’s all true,” he blushed. “i can only read 20,000 words a minute.”

“you say that as if it’s still not incredibly impressive, doctor,” you compliment him, chuckling as you place your hands in your lap and begin to twiddle them.

“thank you, y/n,” he placed his hand atop your fidgeting ones, forcing your attention into himself. “so,” he cleared his throat, “penelope says that you own a bookstore?”

“i do,” you nodded. “it’s a bit quaint and homely, which is how i wanted it. i like the comfortability that comes with the place. people have told me the ambiance is soothing.”

“seems pretty accomplished,” he added. “i suppose i’ll have to stop by sometime, check it out.”

“i suppose you will,” you smiled.

there was just something that drew you to him. perhaps it was his smile, or his curly hair. or maybe it was the way he was so welcoming and comforting. the energy he gave off while simply sitting on a couch was able to calm your nerves.

it was gentle, warm, and tender. you could tell he’d been through a lot - and not just because pen had told you he’d been through a lot. the way he presented himself made it seem as though he took every day as a blessing. he made sure to make the most of every day he was given and to take chances.

and maybe he’d take a chance with you.

he, in fact, did stop by your bookstore the next day. you saw him enter on the cameras you had set up, and it was quite odd knowing he wasn’t aware of your presence.

he began by browsing the nonfiction section, eyeing some old historical books before moving to the ‘owner recommendation’ section. he pulled a couple of books from the shelf, smiling as he admired the cover. it was clear he recognized each one he pulled, as if he was the one who made the shelf in the first place.

eventually, he made his way to the front desk. he looked a bit… disappointed when he saw that you weren’t the one at the front desk. you chuckled to yourself before opening the door from your office, making your way to greet spencer yourself.

“hey, stranger,” you tapped his shoulder, hiding your hands behind your back immediately after with a sly grin.

“y/n! hi,” he smiled, the disappointment no longer comprehensible on his face as he embraced you in a hug. “i was hoping i’d run into you.”

“were you, now?” you pulled back from his arms and bit your lower lip.

“um-yea-yes. i was,” he nodded, sticking firm with his answer. “i wanted to get to know you more? i really enjoyed talking to you the other day and thought that maybe we could finish our conversation?” he raised his eyebrows, waiting for the other ball to drop.

“i would like that,” you nodded before glancing at your employee who gave you raised brows himself, two thumbs up displayed as he mouthed ‘he’s hot’ behind his back. you stifled a laugh and rolled your eyes before adding, “would you want to grab a cup of coffee? i actually have a room in the back that has all the fixin’s.”

“i think i would like that very much,” he agreed before you grabbed his hand, leading him to your office.

“have a seat,” you motioned to the couch as you made your way to the coffee station. “how do you take it?”

he bit his lip at the innuendo before answering , “sweet.”

“seems fitting,” you sighed as you placed a pod in the keurig.

you placed a couple pumps of vanilla syrup in both of the cups along with two scoops of sugar in one, only one in the other. you took one mug and put it under the stream, letting the hot liquid flow into the cup before stirring it and handing the mug to spencer, doing the same thing for your own.

“thank you,” he muttered before taking a cautious sip of the coffee. “you didn’t mention how successful your bookstore is.”

you shrugged, “i didn’t think that was really important. i mean, what really deems something as successful?”

“that’s a good way of looking at it,” he added as you took a seat beside him on the couch. “did i interrupt something when i came?” he furrowed his brows.

“no, no need to worry,” you placed a calming hand on his forearm. “nothing that i can’t do later. it’s just bills and everything.”

“right,” he smiled. “have you always wanted to open a bookstore?”

“well, i always wanted to be self employed so i guess? i just wanted to make sure i was secure since i was a little girl,” you revealed. “my dad was always out of work and my mom had to stay home to take care of us. stability was something our lives always lacked, so i knew it was a main priority for me when i would grow up.”

you didn’t expect to reveal so much of your past so soon. a part of you was ashamed of it and tried your best to keep it hidden. but you could tell that spencer would never judge you for your past like other people have.

“and you accomplished that,” the accolade made you blush, or maybe it was the way his free hand made its way to your thigh.

“so,” you sighed. “did you always want to join the bau?”

“no, not really,” he chuckled, his thumb beginning to rub circles on your skin. “when i was little i wanted to be a cowboy, but before that a magician.”

“a magician?” you giggled at the thought.

spencer in a black cape, you at his side in a sparkly purple leotard, clinging to his arm with a wide smile.

“yea! i know a bit of sleight of hand,” he added.

“i wanna see!” your eyes lit up, all wonder entering them in the most innocent, beautiful way spencer had ever seen.

“alright,” he sighed as he looked around the room. “see my hands?” you nodded eagerly. “completely empty, right?” you nodded once more as you bit your lip. “so… how did i do…” you looked at him quizzically for a brief moment, “this?!” he reached behind you and picked out a single red rose from your hair.

you reached your hand out as he presented the rose to you, placing it in your hands. you looked at the flower with admiration, as if he had just handed you the world. he hugged your hands with his own, bringing them to his lips to place the softest kiss to them. his lips felt like clouds on your skin, and you could only imagine what they would feel like elsewhere, traveling down your body and exploring your own mouth.

“that was so cool!” you decided to say, rather than displaying your own internal monologue so soon.

“thank you, thank you,” he blushed as he waved to a faux crowd. “i’ll be here as long as the owner wants me to be.”

forever, you thought.

“can you teach me?!” you asked, now sitting on your feet and nearly launching yourself on top of the poor man.

“a magician never reveals his secrets,” he rose his hands in defense.

“i want to know all of your secrets,” you said in a low, innocent voice.

“all in due time, angel,” he compromised. “all in due time.”

you shivered at the nickname, partially wondering where he had gotten it from all the while hoping he’d call you it again.

“promise?” you were now a mere inches away from the man, your thighs touching as his hand wrapped around one of them.

“promise,” he whispered as you closed the gap, he pressed his lips to yours softly, not wanting to go too far so soon.

the kiss was a seal to the promise he had made. one day, he’d let his guard down for you. one day, he’d let you knock his walls down. one day, he’d be rescued by his princess from the tall tower he had built to protect himself. one day, he would let you see how he was both the victim, and the monster.

[ultimatebethylficlist]

Veteran Author of The Month: September 2021

The featured veteran author for September is a well-known and beloved name in the fandom, @rckyfrk !

Rckyfrk can be found on AO3 and FFN under the same penname.

When asked what got her into Bethyl and what the fandom means to her, she said:

I did not start watching TWD until late into Season 3. I don’t do well with horror. My husband would watch and I would just read a book in our bedroom or something. Well, one fateful night, I needed to get some work done on my laptop and didn’t feel like sitting in bed to get it finished, so I just stayed in the living room (our house was teeny tiny - there weren’t a lot of other places to go), and I turned so I wasn’t looking at the TV, plugged in my headphones, and got to work. Well, I glanced over and there was the wonder that is Daryl Dixon gracing my screen. I was instantly intrigued. (I believe my exact words were, “Who is that? What is he...DON’T DO THAT THERE’S ZOMBIES THERE!” and I was instantly hooked. Dammit. I found that as long as I could watch some of the behind the scenes stuff on how they make the walkers, it took some of the horror out of it and I could just focus on the artistry of all the makeup and stuff. Season 4 premiere, we had some friends come over for a “watching party,” (remember those?) and I was actually up getting refills for everyone (being the good hostess that I am) so I completely missed the hug in Beth’s cell and when I came back into the room, NO ONE THOUGHT THAT WAS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO TELL ME ABOUT. (I thought they were my friends…) So I really didn’t start *shipping* Bethyl until “Alone.” I mean, I saw how close they were getting during “Still,” but I guess I didn’t realize what I was really seeing, you know? (Keep in mind, I was still a relatively new fan and had missed most of Season 3 and THE HUG.) Anyway, I couldn’t stand waiting for the next week to find out what happened to Beth, and thus began the ONLY time I have EVER looked for spoilers. That’s how I happened upon this crazy thing called “fan fiction,” (I honestly had never known such a thing existed before that fateful search.) I got to know some of the Bethyl writers, and someone suggested joining tumblr and writing my own stories, and the rest is history. Bethyl is the only pairing I’ve actually, actively shipped, before or after. The only two characters I’ve invested time in. The only two I’ve cried over (just ask @jbird9...hubs has seen me go through all kinds of emotions over these two). My boys can identify Beth and Daryl (they’ve NEVER seen an episode, not even a commercial for TWD, but recognize them from pics I’ve shown them.) The Bethyl fandom has brought me to meet some wonderful people, who probably know me better than members of my actual family. This fandom has been such a bright spot in my life, and has been so supportive even when the well has been dry for years (at least as far as new content from the show). I love you guys.

For her personal fic rec list, she recommends:

(Ugh. I’m really hesitant to come up with personal lists because I’ve read SO MANY WONDERFUL STORIES and I don’t want to leave any of them out, but I also know my brain and I’m not always the best at recalling names and places when I need to. I do want to give some love to:)

@gneebee [AO3] Love’s Highway and One Cold Night live in my head rent free

@piper1016 (basically anything she’s written) [AO3]

@inkinmytea (Audriss) [AO3] especially By Any Other Name

These ladies have been super supportive of my writing, and I can’t thank them enough.

I also really miss Pussyfoot by SaraiVe

is this how you say hello (in the zombie apocalypse) by the queen conquers (dastardly_dame)

Also, @leftmywingshome [AO3]

and @majicmarker​ [AO3] who not only write amazing Bethyl stories, but have their own original work published, all of which I strongly recommend reading.

There’s about a gazillion other stories that I’d like to recommend, but we’d be here all day if I listed them all. PLEASE don’t feel left out or disheartened if I didn’t pull your name from the deep recesses of my brain. I swear I’m not doing it on purpose. There are so many gifted writers in this fandom - we are SO lucky! - and I truly do appreciate @ultimatebethylficlist​ for recognizing the veterans and newbies equally.

Rckyfrk’s Works & Personal Thoughts:

Lady in Red and Man in Black Summary: It's finally the big day, Maggie and Glenn's wedding day. Beth is maid of honor, Daryl is the best man. - This started as a one-shot/prompt for Bethyl Week on Tumblr, but has evolved into becoming a full-sized story. Thoughts: I miss these babies. I had to take a break to try and get Terms and Conditions going because they are so drastically different from it, but now it’s been so long I almost have to get T & C out of my system before I can get my head back in the syrupy sweetness. Lady in Red started as a prompt (technically two) WAY back in the day. We’re talking back in the summer of 2014. The first two chapters received such a supportive response that it took on a life of its own, but it was solely from Beth’s POV, and I had Daryl in my head basically screaming to be heard, so Man in Black made its way in. The goal is to get MiB caught up with LiR, then write them simultaneously (mainly so no one knows what will be coming next and the reader gets to decide which “side” to read first).

Terms and Conditions Summary: It was Beth's first time in Atlanta by herself when the world decided to end. When she lost her way home, she winds up meeting a crossbow-toting man with steel blue eyes and a smile that gives her chills. This is not your typical Bethyl story - imagine if Daryl were more like Merle. Thoughts: I think this is the darkest thing I’ve written (and really, it’s not even that dark). I had this idea in my head for Daryl to be a lot more like Merle and all these little scenarios kept popping into my head of Beth “taming the beast,” and having them slowly fall in love despite how they met and him being a total jerk - at least in the beginning. I think there’s only going to be a couple more chapters of this one, I just need to buckle down and write them. Maybe that’s why I’m dragging my feet to do it. 

And once upon a time, I was writing a non-Bethyl story called “Summer of Learning,” which is actually kind of misleading. Back to that summer of 2014, where I was going through some fandom drama and was about to give up writing and tumblr all together when this group of Norman fans (we called ourselves his Harem...I miss you @basswipe and @unicorns-and-myblacksoul) came along and included me into their shenanigans. Anyway, they gave me the prompt “Imagine Sean Patrick Flanery is your dad’s best friend and teaches you everything there is to know about sex.” In the story, the main character’s parents are Norman and Emily, so it’s...Bethyl adjacent?

[cherrybracelets]

as the world caves in

masterlist | request

spencer reid x bau agent!reader

song inspo: as the world caves in - matt maltese (i highly recommend listening to this before or during reading to fully understand the fic)

summary: you’ve worked in the bau for almost a year now, but this is your toughest case to date. when the unsub puts you and spencer in a near death situation, the complex feeling of mortality causes you to bear your souls to one another 

word count: 6k | warnings: no smut but it is typical criminal minds violence, plot centers around reader being held hostage by an unsub so there is tying up, reader getting hurt, etc. pls be cautious when reading if that makes you uncomfortable

Your head was pounding, the sound of phones ringing and private chatter ringing through your ears. You shakily poured a cup of coffee, closing your eyes momentarily as you tried to wake yourself up. You glanced at the clock, seeing that it was barely five in the morning. You yawned obnoxiously, assuming no one was around you. But when you heard a quiet snicker from behind, you knew immediately you were not alone. You spun around quickly to see Emily, waving as she set her bag down on her desk. 

“Pretty early to be called in. Must be important,” she concurred, pouring herself a cup of stale FBI coffee as well. 

“Do you ever get used to it?” You groaned, taking a long swig of the cheap coffee. You had doused it with milk and sugar to make it consumable, but it still left a nasty taste in your mouth with each sip. You knew you wouldn’t make it without caffeine, though, so you stomached it down. 

“I’ve been here… five years, now? I can assure you it doesn't get easier,” she laughed. You had missed her laugh, when she was gone. She had become a wonderful mentor to you, and when you thought you lost her, you were shattered. Having her back has been enough to get you through the tough cases, which seemed to be escalating with each one. 

“You know, next week is my one year anniversary with the BAU,” you smiled, excited of your first milestone with the team. The BAU was an exceptionally hard job, and many people didn’t make it as long as you had. It was something to be proud of. 

“You’re kidding! Congratulations, (Y/N).” 

“Thank you!”

You saw Hotch and Derek walk in out of the corner of your eye, deep in conversation. You were sure it was an important one, the look on Hotch’s face confirming your suspicions. They walked straight to the conference room, not even looking up to notice you and Emily. You gave Emily a look, and you were both thinking the same thing. ‘We better get our asses in there.’

You followed Emily into the room, Garcia getting the case ready to present. The rest of the team filtered in over the next few minutes, riddled with dark circles, cups of coffee and worry. There wasn’t much small talk made, everyone too out of it to pretend to talk about what they did last weekend. 

“Good morning everyone, thanks for coming in so early,” Hotch addressed, standing up as he welcomed everyone. “We’ve got a bit of a weird case, today. Garcia, why don’t you go ahead and present.” 

“Okay, my loves. This is a bit of a weird one, so strap in to keep up with me. A 21 year old female, Emily Davies, was abducted yesterday morning from the parking lot in her apartment complex. Now, the lot did have security cameras, but the unsub cut the internet cable and they can’t download the video until the can fix the wire.”’

“He’s smart, probably knew it would slow us down. And shows he has knowledge in wiring and electrics.” Derek added. 

“Exactly. The police believe we should have the footage by the time we land. Now here’s where it gets weird. Two hours after she was abducted, there was a shooting at a gas station about 30 miles outside of the city, off I75. Three dead, including the worker. No cameras there, unfortunately.”

“How do we know it’s the unsub?” You questioned, failing to see the connection between the two crimes. 

“Ah, my darling, if there wasn’t a connection we wouldn’t be called in. Our unsub left a note at this crime scene. It read, ‘They were going to take her. I couldn’t let them take her. She is mine, we are in love. Please, leave us be.’” Garcia then pulled up photos of the crime scene and the note on the monitor. 

“These are clean shots, straight to the head, execution style,” Reid said, studying the photos on the screen. 

“He knows how to use a gun, that’s for sure.” Rossi added.

“The 911 call was made by a customer who walked in to see the carnage about a half hour after the unsub left. They believe he is continuing to drive North, but we currently have no idea what him or his car look like.” 

“If he didn’t kill again, he most likely stopped somewhere. He may be lowing low in a roadside motel to keep us off his trail,” Reid said. 

“The gas station seemed unplanned. The abduction was thorough, leaving no evidence. But this scene is sloppy, and rushed. They must’ve seen Emily and panicked, and he shot em. This was never part of the plan, and now he’s freaking out.”

“That’s a good point, Emily’s face is all over the news now. He’d need a place to rest for a bit until he can come up with the rest of his plan. How exactly did people discover that Emily was missing?” You asked, curious about the rest of the unsubs plan. 

“Well, it was actually kind of a fluke, but very helpful for us. Her boyfriend, Michael Adams, discovered she was gone when he came home early from work. He wasn’t supposed to be home for another six hours, but something had happened and they sent him home. He called 911 when he realized her phone, keys, and bag were all at home but she was nowhere to be found. They aren’t sure exactly what time she went missing, but at that point Michael had only been gone for two hours.”

“This guy had to have been stalking her. He knew to take her on a day she’d be alone for hours, he knew to cut the wires for the security cameras… this was meticulously planned,” Derek responded. 

“Except what he didn’t plan for was the boyfriend getting home early, and Emily’s face plastered everywhere. He thought he’d have more time to get away,” JJ added. 

“If he truly doesn’t want to be separated from her, it’s only a matter of time before he kills again. Anybody that gets in their way will die, if we don’t stop him. Wheels up in thirty.” Hotch instructed, dismissing you all as you separated to prepare for another trip. 

You lingered in the conference room for a moment, staring at the photos on the monitor. An uncomfortable feeling floated through you, chills up your spine as you stared at the crime scene. It was far tamer than most things you’d seen during your time here, but something about it made you uneasy. Spencer had noticed you staying back, and he stayed in the room as well. Once everyone cleared out, he cleared his throat to let you know he was there. You turned to him, not sure if you should tell him how you felt or not. Was it weak to say you were nervous? 

“You okay?” He asked calmly, his eyes avoiding yours as he waited for your answer. 

“I… just have a bad feeling about this case. Does that ever happen to you?”

“Mmm, yes.” He chuckled slightly, running a hand through his hair. “And usually, I’m right.” 

●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○

The plane landed in Cincinnati only a few hours later, cars awaiting to take you to the police station upon arrival. You were grateful to hear that they were able to pull the security footage from the lot Emily was abducted, and it was ready to be viewed when you arrived at the station. 

You got in a car with Derek and Spencer, a duo that you usually tried to avoid. Derek always joked with you and Spencer that the two of you had a crush on each other. Although it was slightly true on your part, and your heart did race every time Spencer walked into a room, it was embarrassing to see Spencer so confidently deny any feelings for you. 

But, Hotch sent the three of you to the station, instructing you to study the security tapes. The rest of them were going to talk to the boyfriend and visit the crime scene. You sat awkwardly in the back seat, trying to keep quiet, not wanting to say anything that would entice Derek. 

“Judging by the way he worded this note, our unsub is most definitely in love with Emily. Do you think she knew him?” Spencer turned to you, and then to Derek, waiting for someone to respond. 

“It’s impossible to say. There was no sign of forced entry in the apartment.” Derek responded.

“They think she was taking her trash out when she was abducted. Explains why she left all of her things inside, and the door was unlocked,” you added, wanting to be a part of the conversation. Although it had been almost a year, you still felt like you had to constantly prove yourself when you were with them. 

“Even if she knew him, you wouldn’t get in someone's car without your phone, or wallet. He had to have had a weapon,” Derek said. 

“The gun he used to kill everyone in the gas station, probably,” Spencer muttered. You all stayed silent for the rest of the drive, your brain taking a quiet moment to think through the details of the case. 

The police station wasn’t too far from the airport, and you got there pretty quickly. You always felt so small in the police stations, usually dealing with male detectives or sheriffs or cops. You felt like you’d drown in testosterone, and everyone would be so busy in a dick measuring contest that they couldn’t save you. As you walked into the station, you were greeted by yet again another male detective who reeked of desperation and Viagra. 

“Hi, I’m Detective Elijah Guthrie. Thank you so much for coming.” He shook all of your hands, welcoming you into his station. 

“Where do you have the security tapes set up?” Reid asked quickly, realizing the urgency of this case, and that we didn't have time for small talk. 

“Conference room. Everything you said you needed is set up there, as well.” 

“Awesome, we should go get started, then,” Derek smiled, leading the three of you into the room. 

You all sat down and watched the tapes, replaying them over and over to catch every detail that you could. Luckily, the unsub cut the wires after he took the girl. It seemed sloppy, on his end. He had to know eventually that we’d get the footage. But he was smart enough to make sure his face was nowhere in view. Although, his car was still in view, and you were able to pull a plate number. 

“Garcia, baby girl, can you hear me?” 

“Loud and clear. What can I do for you, my sweets?” 

“Run a plate for us. Ohio plates, number EUE 8561.” 

“Of course, give me uno momento....” You could hear the sound of Garcia typing away, finding the mysterious man. In all honesty, you weren’t sure if any of these cases would get solved without her. 

“Alright, I got your man. 24 year old Jacob Lane.” “Are we sure our unsub didn’t just steal this guy’s car?” 

“Good point, Garcia check to see if Jacob has any connection to Emily.” 

“Gotcha… oh, man. Looks like he grew up in the same town that she did.” 

“Well, that’s suspicious,” Derek responded, raising his eyebrows. “Alright, thanks baby. Try and dig up some more on this guy.” He hung up the phone, staring at the paused video in front of him. 

“(Y/N), you call Hotch and give him the update. There’s a good chance this guy’s our unsub. Reid, call JJ and have her ask the boyfriend if they knew this guy.” You and Reid both looked at each other and nodded, standing up and walking into the hallway to complete your tasks. You dialed Hotch’s number swiftly, listening to the ringing as you awaited him to answer. 

“Hotchner,” he answered, sternly. 

“Hey, it’s me. I think we got our guy- Jacob Lane. The car that Emily got into was registered to him, and he grew up in the same town as her. Garcia is digging up some more info, and Reid is on the phone with JJ, gonna see what we can get from the boyfriend.” 

“Alright, well we’ve just been informed there was another shooting. This time at a motel not too far from the gas station. We’re gonna head there, now.” 

“How many, this time?” You asked, dreading the answer. 

“Six. Doesn’t look like anybody made it out.” 

You stayed silent, your head spinning as you thought of six more dead bodies, six more grieving families. 

“Thanks, Hotch.” You hung up your phone, walking back towards Reid and Derek. 

“Detective Guthrie just told me there’s been another shooting,” Derek said to you, unaware if you had been informed. 

“Yeah, Hotch just told me. We have to get this guy before he does this again.” 

“Unfortunately, most cases with spree killers like this end in hostage situations, and eventually suicide by cop. Spree killers' motivations are usually very similar.” Reid stated, his voice emotionless as he rattled off his facts. He was obviously right, and you felt sick as you thought of standing face to face with this man, 

“I’m gonna go talk to Emily’s parents, see if they knew anything about Jacob. You guys stay in here and go over everything we have so far, see if we missed anything.” 

“Alright. Thanks, Derek.” 

He left the room quietly, walking out to find the family. You started looking over the video again, straining your eyes to see if you could make out any overlooked details. But it was the same every time, there was nothing new to report. You were angry, not feeling any closer to catching this guy. 

“What do you make of this?” You asked Spencer, hoping his genius brain would come up with an explanation yours couldn’t. 

“He loves a girl, tries to take her away with him, gets caught and panics, starts killing anybody that calls him out. It’s pretty straight forward. Although, the way he’s killing them is unique. The actual crime seems rushed and panicked, but the killings themselves and calm and exact. One shot, the same place. It’s too… perfect.” 

“He’s killed before,” you concluded, feeling your heart racing as you thought of more victims at the hand of Jacob. 

“Yes, but most likely in the military. These are execution style deaths. This M.O. is very specific to military personnel.” 

“And you would be correct, boy genius,” Garcia shouted through the speaker on the desk, her voice scaring you slightly. “Jacob Lane was in the Air Force. He was deployed once to Iraq, he got back about six months and was recently relocated to Cincinnati.” 

“So something must’ve happened between Emily and Jacob in the past, and when he moved back and saw her again, it must’ve been the trigger. Topped with PTSD, he could’ve easily snapped.” 

“What exactly did he do in Iraq?” 

“Ah, that is classified information, according to the US government. But no worries, nothing is too classified for me. Our buddy Jacob executed war criminals during his time overseas.” 

“Well, that explains the M.O.,” you chuckled, running a hand through your hair, shaking your head in disgust. 

“Other than that, he had a relatively normal life. Average in school, normal family. He bounced around colleges a bit before deciding to enlist, but there’s no red flags.” 

“Could you find any other link between him and Emily?”  

“Well, that’s the other thing. Jacob deleted all of his social media accounts when he got back from Iraq. Twitter, Instagram… everything, gone. But, just because he deleted it does not mean the record doesn’t exist somewhere. I am currently trying to unlock all of his accounts and see if I can find anything, but it’ll take a bit.” 

“Alright, Garcia, call us if you get anything. Thank you,” you replied, disconnecting the call. Spencer had stepped away for a moment, answering his phone. 

“If this guy had a perfectly normal life, why is he doing this?” You asked, your nails digging into your palms in frustration. 

“The military… doing what he did… it could mess a lot of normal people up. Plus, there may be more to the story than we know.” 

“Yeah, there is. Listen to this,” Spencer said, walking into the room and putting his phone on speaker. 

“Hey, it’s me,” JJ said, her voice flowing softly through the phone. “So we talked to the boyfriend, and there is a long history between Emily and Jacob. They met when she was 18, and they were both dating different people. They had apparently had an affair of sorts, though, leading Jacob to break up with his girlfriend for her. But apparently Emily decided to stay with her boyfriend and ditch Jacob. That’s when he joined the military. Before he left for training camp, Emily’s boyfriend committed suicide. Blamed Emily and Jacob for ruining his life.” 

“Jesus…” you muttered under her breath. 

“Well, it gets more interesting. Emily picked up and moved to Florida, after that, transferring to a college down there. She was apparently trying to start over. Her and Jacob didn’t talk for two years, but he was relocated to the same town she was in, and they met up again. They started dating, and that’s when he got deployed. About a month after he left, Emily claimed he started acting really weird, to the point where it was scaring her. She broke up with him and blocked him on all social media.” 

“The boyfriend knew all of this?” 

“She told him because apparently she was afraid of Jacob. She told her boyfriend that if something ever happened to her, she was sure it was Jacob.” 

“Why wouldn’t he have mentioned something sooner?” 

“He didn’t think it was a big deal. Plus, until two weeks ago, he was living in Florida.” 

“Exactly. And he got moved here, found out Emily was here and had a boyfriend, and that was probably the trigger.”

“What I don’t understand is how Emily just… dropped him? She was clearly terrified of him, what could he have possibly done to give her that reaction?”

“He could have told her what he was doing down there. That job is not for someone with a soft heart. She probably couldn’t stomach the thought of being with a man who…” You couldn’t finish your sentence, your mouth choking up your words as they tried to come up. 

“We need to make a statement to the press. The public needs to know who to look for.” 

“I’ll call the media and put together a press conference. I’ll see you guys soon.” JJ hung up, and Spencer put his phone away. The three of you stayed silent for a moment, staring at each other in awe as your minds wrapped around the information. Part of you felt bad for him. He joined the military to get away, and they stuck him in a job that ruined his humanity. And the girl you love turns away from you when you need her most… 

“The hardest part of the job is not to feel bad for the unsubs,” you laughed, your mouth dry and your forehead sweating as you felt more and more anxious about the future of this case. 

“It’s refreshing, actually. To see someone else with enough empathy to feel for someone who has done so many bad things. It’s a sign of a beautiful heart,” Spencer said, his eyes meeting yours as he spoke. You smiled at him, redness creeping up your cheeks as you felt your nerves tingling at his words. 

“Oh, I’m sure Spencer thinks about your beautiful heart all the time, (Y/N),” Derek teased, causing Spencer to blush as well, and quickly dart his eyes away from you. 

“No… c’mon Derek. Why do you have to turn everything into this? Can’t I just be nice to her!” Spencer groaned, pushing Derek slightly on the arm in frustration. 

“We’ve got a problem,” Det. Guthrie yelled, bursting through the door of the conference room and, thankfully, interrupting Derek. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Emily escaped. She just walked into the police station.” 

“How is that a problem?” 

“Because Jacob just shot up another place. A diner, this time. We just got the call a minute ago. We’re only a few minutes away. He must’ve come back to the city after Emily got away.” 

“(Y/N), you and Reid go to the crime scene. I’m going to stay here and talk to Emily.” 

“Alright, we’ll leave now, call us if you need anything.” 

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The drive was quick, helped greatly by the use of your sirens. You sped quickly to the diner, you and Reid the first to arrive on the scene. The witness who had called it in greeted you with sobs, not having time to console her as the two of you went quickly inside. The scene was similar to the previous ones, eight bodies, all shot directly in the center of the head. You noticed something wrong, pretty quickly. 

“Reid…” you whispered, staring quietly at a table next to you. 

“What’s up?” 

“Do you see that?” You pointed helplessly to a small plate accompanied with an ever smaller cup, stars and smiley faces printed onto it. 

“That’s a kids meal.” 

“There’s not a kid in here, Reid.” You looked at him nervously, your whole body burning as you imagined the child that Jacob took. 

“There’s a note here, (Y/N)...” Reid handed a crumpled napkin with a sloppy note written across it. 

“Is it an address?” 

“It’s definitely the unsubs handwriting. I studied the previous note, there’s no doubt he wrote this.” 

“This address is only a few minutes away…” 

“We need to leave, now. I’ll call Hotch and tell him to send backup.” Reid ran out of the diner and to the car, and you followed behind quickly. Other cops were now pulling in to the crime scene, and you let them know you were leaving but to stay with the bodies and take care of calling the families. You still weren’t sure who in there had a kid, and you wanted to notify the rest of the family if you could. 

You and Spencer called Hotch in the car, letting him know where you were headed. He told you him and Rossi would be there in twenty minutes or so. Spencer was swerving in and out of traffic, trying to get to the location the unsub left for you. When you finally arrived, you were surprised to find a secluded barn near a small patch of land. You pulled up and got out of the car, arming yourselves as you got near the building. 

“We should wait for backup, Reid… this could be a trap…” you said with caution, a wave of nerves flooding you as you stood in front of the building. 

“He could have a little kid in there, (Y/L/N)... we have to go in.” 

“Spencer, you know that’s not the right protocol.” 

“When has protocol ever done us any good?” 

Spencer starting walking towards the door, and you couldn’t bear to see him go in alone. You followed reluctantly, walking through the open door. As soon as you walked through the doors, you saw him. The face in the photos was finally right in front of you, holding a small item in his hands. You couldn’t make out what it was, you were too focused on the boy, who was tied to a chair next to him. 

“Hello, agents. Thank you for joining me,” Jacob said, smiling devilishly at the two of you. 

“You need to let the boy go, Jacob,” you instructed, your voice remain quiet and calm and your mind spun in circles. 

“That’s not how this is going to go. Do you know what this is?” He waved the device in his hands, smiling down proudly at it. You knew then exactly what he was holding in his hands. 

“It’s a bomb…” 

“Exactly. And if I don’t get exactly what I want, it’s going to detonate. Are we clear?” He looked at you specifically, as if he was nervous you would be the one to try and defy him. 

“Yes,” Spencer answered for you, looking upset as he realized you were right. This was a trap, one that the two of you walked so easily into. 

“Put your weapons down, first,” he instructed, pointing at your guns. The two of you placed them down on the ground slowly, avoiding eye contact with him. 

“Wonderful. Now, I want you to call your boss and tell him I would like to speak with him.” 

You nodded in agreeal, slowly pulling out your phone. You dialed Hotch’s number, your hands shaking as you pressed the buttons. Your heart felt as if it was going to explode, bringing the phone to your ear as you listened to it ring. 

“We’re almost there, what’s going on?” His voice made you feel safe, calm, knowing he would get you out of there safely. He had to get you out. You couldn’t die… not here… not now. 

“Hotch, we’re here with Jacob, and he’d like to talk to you,” you said shakily, your voice trembling as you got the words out. 

“(Y/N)? What’s going on?” 

You handed Jacob the phone, which he ripped out of your hand and placed to his own ear. 

“Listen carefully. I want her back. I want a plane out of here for both of us, or I blow the kid and your two agents up? Is that understood?” You strained hard to see if you could hear Hotch’s voice, but you couldn’t make anything out. You looked over to Spencer, who was staring helplessly at the ground. 

You didn’t bother listening to the rest of Jacob’s conversation with Hotch, not wanting to hear his voice anymore. It was you sick to think about him. When he finally finished, he threw the phone back at you. He walked up to you, grabbing a handful of your hair and pulling your face back to look at him. 

“It would be a shame to kill you… You’re so beautiful.” He whispered, smiling down at you. He pulled hard on your hair, knocking you to the ground with all of his force. You slammed onto the dirt hard, feeling your body jolt as you landed. You felt pain shoot through your body, screaming loudly. 

“Don’t touch her again!” Spencer yelled, running towards him violently. Jacob pulled a gun and pointed it at his head, which made him stop in his tracks. 

“Don’t take another step. Since you want to be her knight in shining armor so bad, why don’t you go ahead and tie her up,” Jacob instructed, pointing the gun at a pile of rope in the corner. Spencer walked slowly over to it, grabbing the rope and tying your hands behind your back. As he tightened the knot, he whispered to you quietly. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, the words bouncing back and forth in your head as Jacob pushed you to the ground and continued to tie up Spencer. After he finished, he sat Spencer next to you. He had put the two of you in the corner, out of sight and mind. You were aggravating Jacob, you could tell. If he could just tie you up and place you in the corner, he wouldn’t have anything to throw him off. 

“Are you okay?” Spencer whispered, looking concerned at your now bruising body. 

“A little sore, but I’ll be fine. What are we gonna do here, Spence?” 

“The team will get us out, okay. I promise.” 

You watched Jacob on the other side of the room, pacing slowly as he awaited another call that would give him his demands. You started to hear the sound of sirens pull up, feeling slightly relieved knowing they were right outside those walls. The sound of helicopters overhead was prominent, and you noticed Jacob wincing as it got louder. 

“Does the sound of helicopters bother you?” You shouted to him, trying to get his attention away from the boy. 

“Shut up! Do I need to tape your mouth shut, too?” He was aggravated, waving his gun around and placing a hand on his head. 

“My dad was in the Army… helicopters reminded him of his time overseas. He’d have a panic attack every time he heard one…” You said, trying to relate to him. If you couldn’t use force to bring him down, maybe you could sympathize with him. 

“It’s just so loud…” he winced, closing his eyes as if all of his senses were betraying him. 

“Let me talk to my boss, if he knew how much they hurt you I bet he’d call them off…” 

Jacob considered your proposal for a moment, the idea of the pain going away calling to him. But he was smart, and realized quickly what was going on. 

“Are you trying to trick me? Do you think you can outsmart me? I have been ahead of you this entire time.” 

“Except you didn’t plan on Emily’s boyfriend coming home early, and you didn’t plan on her escaping, did you? None of this was a part of the plan.” Spencer looked at him desperately, and you wanted nothing more than to curl up next to him and feel him holding you. If you were to die here, today, it would be nice to die in the arms of someone you cared about. You desperately craved his touch, especially now. Who knows if this would be your last chance to experience him? 

“All I want is for me and Emily to be together, okay? Don’t you get that? Have you ever been in love?” 

“I have… and I know how much you love Emily. But if you kill us, you’ll be killing yourself, too. And then Emily will never get to hear how you really feel. Because that’s what all of this is about, right? You just want her to know how you feel?” 

“I told her everything. I bore everything to her and she walked away. It… hurt.” Jacob was crying, tears crawling down his face as he shook the gun in his hand. 

“I don’t want to die without telling the girl I love how I feel. I know you don’t, either, Jacob. We can all walk out of here and you can see her again.” Spencer looked at you, his eyes pleading for your attention as he spoke.

“I don’t want to get locked up, I can’t live like that…” Jacob continued to cry, and you desperately wanted to give him a hug. He was evil, and you despised him, but he was broken and alone and needed a hug.

“No, no. I am not letting you talk me into this… you both shut up and leave me alone!” He yelled, running away from you and back to the young boy. You let out a long sigh, feeling your own tears starting to form. You really thought you might’ve had him this time. But he was too smart, and he wouldn’t fall for any of your tricks. 

“I’m so sorry, (Y/N). I should be able to save you, and I can’t…” Spencer was pale, his forehead sweating as he leaned against the wall. 

“Spencer, don’t apologize. It is nobody's job to take care of me, except myself.”

“I don’t want to die in here without telling you how I feel, (Y/N).” 

“What are you talking about, Spence?” 

“I am crazy about you. I have been in love with you for months. And every time I think I might want to say something, Derek makes some stupid joke and you get awkward and I realize if I say anything I’d risk our friendship but I’m sorry, I can’t die here with you and not tell you I’m in love with you.” 

“Spencer…” was the only thing you managed to get out. You opened your mouth to try to say more, but the sound of your cell phone ringing stopped you. Jacob ran quickly to the phone, picking it up and placing it on speaker. He looked at you to make sure you were listening. He wanted you to know your entire lives depended on whatever happened on this one phone call. 

“Jacob?” A small female voice came on the line, one that you had not recognized. “Jacob, it’s me, it’s Emily.” 

“Emily!” He cried, placing a hand over his heart as he heard her voice. 

“Jacob, I am right outside for you. I promise we can walk away together if you just leave your weapons inside and come out.” You could hear the pain in her voice and she said those words, knowing how hard it must’ve been for her to do this. But she was the only thing that could end this, that could save four lives. She didn’t have a choice. 

“How do I know you’re telling the truth? You ran away from me, Emily!” Jacob cried into the phone, his voice shaky and his face swollen from tears. 

“I have always loved you, Jacob. I have told you everything. You have to believe me. I’m right on the other side of the door. Put down the weapons and show them you’re unarmed, and we can walk away together.” 

You watched him closely, patiently waiting for his response. You had never been a religious person, but you prayed to whoever was listening that you could walk away from this. 

“Spencer… if we don’t make it out, I want you to know I love you, too. And if we do get out of here, please take me far away from here,” you cried, leaning your head on his shoulder and begging the universe for your life. He kissed the top your head, a small comfort that calmed you down. You watched Jacob slowly look over at the two of you, staying as close as you could, savoring love even in the last moments of your life. 

You think it was that moment, him seeing two people in love and remembering what it felt like, that caused him to walk out. He slowly set the gun down, and another small device that you believed was the detonator. He walked through the doors, the sound of a bullet crunching through the air immediately as he stepped outside. You heard the screams of a girl, who was probably dealing with love and loss and pain all in one second, watching the man she loved and feared dying in front of her own eyes. 

SWAT and the Bomb Squad came in shortly after, JJ and Derek running in to find the two of you. Emily and Rossi took care of the child as the other two untied you. They walked you outside, JJ pulling you far from Spencer and into an ambulance. 

“JJ, I promise I’m fine, but I really need to go see Spencer…” You tried to stand up and walk past her, but you were a little dizzy and she pushed you back down pretty quickly. You saw Spencer arguing with Derek as well, probably for the same reason you were trying to push through JJ. 

“Can I take your blood pressure, Agent?” The paramedic said, holding up an arm band and trying to wrap it around you. You angrily refused, finally getting on your feet and walking away from JJ. She realized it wasn’t worth chasing you down, that you would get checked out when you were good and ready. 

You ran towards Spencer, who was still being blocked by Derek. You pushed passed cops and paramedics and everything in between, your eyes only on the man you loved. The man who loved you. When you finally got to him, he wrapped his arms around you in relief. He held you for a moment, before letting go and kissing you. It was a kiss full of life, celebrating existence and love. 

“Hah, friendly my ass…” Derek whispered, rolling his eyes as he walked away from the two of you. 

“Take me away from here, Spencer Reid.” 

“Wherever you wanna go.”

[prettyricky187]

Sometimes You Don’t Feel Like A Winner

A/N: I was listening to Prom Queen by Catie Turner and it inspired this piece. I highly recommend listening to it while you read, at least for the first half. 

Couple: Spencer X Fem!Reader

Category: Angst/Fluff

Content Warnings: Self deprecating thoughts

Word Count: 4K

MASTERLIST

------------

“Thank God we had Morgan there, otherwise we’d probably still be stuck in the elevator.” It was such an offhand comment from Penelope, said in a joking manner and alluding to earlier when her, Derek, and Spencer found themselves trapped in the elevator. Derek had to pry the doors open to get the emergency system to kick in. 

Spencer knew she didn’t mean any offense by it, but he couldn’t stop replaying it in his head. He didn’t like how it implied that he wouldn’t have been able to get the job done. His thoughts spiraled down a rabbit hole, wondering about all the other times someone thought he wouldn’t be able to do something for one reason or another, but never said anything out loud.

He thought about the various comments from his team members over the years about his physical ineptitude. He was well aware of the fact that the only reason he was in the FBI was due to his brain, having to get waivers for all of the physical aspects of the academy. Even then he had heard the comments from fellow recruits. He always tried not to let them affect him, but he could only take so much. 

He and Derek were paired up a lot, and it didn’t take much to see the glaring differences between the two of them. Whenever they walked into a room or to a crime scene, people noticed Derek, whereas no one ever noticed him. Derek was smooth, muscular, active, and very much a kick down the door first and ask questions later type of guy, whereas Spencer just…wasn’t. He could barely talk to a woman without feeling like he was going to throw up, he didn’t think his noodle arms counted as muscle, and he much preferred to stay behind at the station whenever it came time to arrest an unsub. He wasn’t even like Hotch, with his tailored suits, matching socks, designer accessories, and stoic face that could wither a concrete wall. 

Did people want him to kick down doors? Wear matching socks? Get a Rolex? What did he have to do in order to stop the comments? 

If being more like Hotch and Morgan was what he needed to do to be taken seriously, then he would do it. 

The following morning Spencer grabbed the tailored ensemble that was a birthday gift from Rossi before hunting down a pair of matching socks. It wasn’t easy, and he felt weird putting them on, but he had to try. He pulled out his designer satchel and moved over his important papers. 

“You look like I do when I have to switch purses for a night out.” His girlfriend’s voice sounded off behind him. He looked over his shoulder to see her leaning against the door frame with a light smile on her face. One look at him and she got an inquisitive look, almost as if she was profiling him. 

“Is something wrong with your bag?” 

“No, I just felt like a change.” 

The noise she made gave away that she knew there was more to his actions, but she didn’t push it. “Do you think you’ll be home tonight?”

“I think so. Unless an urgent case comes up. I’ll let you know, okay?” She nodded as she watched him flit around the room in a manner that was very un-Spencer like. 

“Alright. Have a good day.” He smiled at her words, the first glimpse of her true boyfriend of the day. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He gave her a kiss and was out the door, leaving behind a very confused (y/n). 

--- “Woah there pretty boy. Your socks match today.” Morgan commented, coming up behind Spencer in the kitchenette. When he first walked into the bullpen, he had been surprised to see the matching plain black socks as Spencer bent down to grab a file from the bottom drawer.

“Yeah, what of it?” Logically Spencer knew Morgan didn’t mean anything about his comment, but Penelope’s words were still swirling around in his head, so his response was more hostile than he intended. 

“I’m just not used to seeing it.” Morgan said slowly after a moment of silence, no doubt trying to profile the resident genius to figure out the cause of his attitude. “I thought you said it was bad luck?” He rose his eyebrows in questioning.

“I’m trying something new.” 

While it was apparent there was something bothering Spencer, Morgan knew better than to press him. He’d talk to him when he was ready. “Alright.” 

Everything that could have gone wrong went wrong and Spencer was over the whole day. He almost missed the morning train, he’d spilled coffee on his shirt, his shoelaces came undone and he almost faceplanted in the lobby. He realized around lunchtime that he’d forgotten his lunch at home, and when he was finally on his way home, he turned a corner right into a woman carrying a bag of groceries that ended up all over the sidewalk. Really, he just wanted to crawl under the covers and for the day to be over. 

He heaved a huge sigh of relief once he was safely inside his dark apartment. Everything was familiar and comfortable; nothing could hurt him in his own sanctuary, except maybe his own thoughts. Taking a deep breath, he dropped his bag and made his way towards the kitchen for some food before going to bed. 

Entering the bedroom and eyeing his sleeping girlfriend, Spencer felt a wave of insecure sadness flow through him so strong it almost knocked him over. She trusted him to protect her, and he knew he would fail if push came to shove. How could she possibly love him and want to be with him if he couldn’t even do the most basic thing for her?

Shaking his head sadly and trying not to cry, Spencer disrobed quietly and made his way to the bathroom in hopes that he could wash his terrible day down the drain. 

After his shower, he stood naked in front of the mirror and analyzed the reflection staring back at him. Never before had he really taken the time to look at himself beyond a quick pass to make sure his hair was tame and his tie wasn’t crooked. 

He didn’t like what he saw. 

“Jesus.” He muttered, pinching at his skin in various places. His limbs were disproportionately long, his sunken eyes created the appearance of two permanent black eyes, and he didn’t have a tan nor much body hair. Based on his research, backed by conversations overheard from JJ and Emily, body hair was something women found manly and attractive. He felt beyond inadequate. Mostly though, he looked at his arms and stomach and noted that neither had copious amounts of muscle on them.

He was an FBI agent for crying out loud, he should have some muscles. He shouldn’t have to rely on someone else to help him kick a door down or get out of an elevator. Frankly, he had never felt more pathetic than in that moment. At best, he felt like a professor; at worst he felt like a string bean with a gun. 

How was he to be trusted to protect his loved ones if he couldn’t even pass the FBI fitness test? Would he be able to protect his girlfriend if someone broke into their apartment? Would he always have to rely on someone else to keep him safe in the field? He was so absorbed in his self-deprecating thoughts that he didn’t notice the tired figure creeping up behind him.  

“Are you okay?” The startled yelp he let out was high pitched and he found himself comparing it to a more manly sound Morgan or Hotch would have let out. 

‘Great, I don’t even have manly scared sounds.’ He thought bitterly before locking his gaze on hers through the mirror. 

“I had a bad day.”

“I guessed that.” She nodded rubbing the sleep from her eyes. 

He felt bad waking her up, but he did feel better having her there. “How?” He really had tried to be quiet when he got home so he didn’t wake her up. “It could have to do with the fact that there are matching socks balled up next to the hamper.” The smile she gave him was playful, fully expecting a witty or snarky comeback. Instead, all she got was a sigh as his head dropped and his shoulders sagged. 

She frowned and stepped forward, wrapping her arms around his waist and burying her face against the skin of his back; the feeling of safety and home filling her veins. 

Spencer sighed again and grabbed onto her arms, anchoring himself to her and the moment. 

“What’s going on?” 

“Do you think I’m weak?” 

Whatever she had been expecting him to say, that wasn’t it. Her frown returned and she instinctively tightened her grip on him as if to shield him from his negative thoughts. “What?” 

He nodded, doubling down on his doubts. “Yeah, like…do you wish I had more muscles?” His eyes fell to his body, all his negative thoughts from before returning at once. “Do you think I’m too skinny?” 

“No. Too skinny for what?” She questioned, but he only shrugged. 

“When you look at me, do you think ‘federal agent?’ Am I too weak to be in the BAU?” He asked. She merely shook her head. He sighed, “Should I look more like Derek?” 

In all their years of dating, (y/n) had never heard a more ludicrous statement come from his mouth. Much less while comparing himself to Derek Morgan. She stepped in front of him and hoisted herself on the counter so that she was eye level with him. Locking her legs behind his, she pulled him flush against her, sensing how much he needed physical and emotional reassurance. 

“Spencer Reid, what on earth are you talking about?” 

Spencer tried not to let his heart race at the thought of her being disappointed in him for any reason. He never wanted to disappoint her; he just wasn’t sure he was fully capable of protecting her. He didn’t like the idea of her being hurt in any way, especially knowing he could’ve prevented it – if only he was stronger or ran faster.  

“Do you have things that you would change about me?” 

(Y/n) drew her head back as if she’d been burned by his words. The thought of changing anything about him was simply absurd. “Absolutely not!” Her tone was adamant, and it was clear that she meant every single bit of it; she loved him for exactly who he was.

“What about my quirks? Do you think they’re weird?” 

“What quirks?”

“I don’t wear matching socks.” He pointed out and she shrugged. 

“So?”

“Do you wish that I did?”

“You tried it today and your day sucked.” 

“You don’t have to remind me.” 

“Clearly, you’re not meant to wear them, and matching socks are overrated. Embrace it.” 

He merely pouted and shrugged. “But it’s weird.” 

She knew she wouldn’t be able to convince him otherwise at the moment, so she shifted topics. “Alright, what else?”

“What else what?”

“Whatever it is that has you feeling this way.” 

Spencer was quiet as he pondered saying what was bothering him; he wanted to be completely honest for both her sake and his own. 

“My hair.” 

She raked her eyes over his wet hair hanging haphazardly and sticking up or out in some parts, clearly in disarray from his quick towel drying. 

“What about it?” 

“It’s always messy.” 

“Probably doesn’t help that I love running my fingers through it. Even when you do comb it, I just make a mess of it again. I’ll gladly take partial responsibility for that.” 

“What about the fact that I ramble.” 

She shrugged as she absentmindedly stroked his hip. “I enjoy it.” She wasn’t just trying to make him feel better, she really did enjoy listening to him endlessly talk. She’d never admit it, but sometimes she purposely made him flustered just so he would start rambling like he does whenever he’s nervous. 

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better.” He frowned, but (y/n) shook her head.

“I’m saying it because it’s how I feel. When have I ever lied to you, even if it was only to spare your feelings?” 

He immediately thought back to when they first began dating and he had gone on an excited rant about the new season of Doctor Who. He could tell she was trying to follow along and nodding like she knew what he was talking about, but she hadn’t understood. He remembered Derek telling him how girls sometimes lie to guys on a date so that they seem interesting. He asked her thoughts on the show and she told him that she’d honestly never seen an episode and had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, but she was excited simply because he was excited. 

“Never.” 

“Alright then. So, believe me when I say that I do not mind your info-drops.” 

“What about all the other things I should have accomplished by now, but haven’t?” 

“Like what?”

“Having a family.” 

“Is that something you want?” The topic of children had come up, but always in a ‘someday’ capacity. She didn’t even know he was actively thinking about starting a family.

“Derek has Savannah and Hank and Hotch has Jack. I mean, I have you, but we’re not married, nor do we have any kids so it’s like…are we a societal failure?” 

“I’m going to pretend not to take offense to that.” 

He squirmed as she lightly pinched at his outer thigh. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it how it sounded.” He sighed sadly, not liking how his words weren’t coming out as he intended. “I just…”

“Not every couple has children or gets married, Spencer. Marriage or children doesn’t validate a relationship.” 

“Did you know that humans 75 million years ago mostly lived in isolation and only came together to mate? In 2013, a study came out that said that monogamy only came to be so that men could protect their infants and lower the risk of infanticide from competing males.” 

“Okay…” She wasn’t exactly sure where he was going with that information; she didn’t have an IQ of 187 so he needed to explain it for her.

“It means that the sole point of monogamy is children.” He exclaimed. 

“Well, first of all we’re not giant pandas who only come out of some hiding to get it on with each other. Secondly, we are not living in the Flintstone era where a man kills another man’s child simply to procreate with the mother and ensure his lineage. And finally, the one I take the most issue with, couples do not need to have children to be valid. There are plenty of childless couples who are perfectly happy with just the two of them. If that’s what our situation turns out to be, then that’s what it is. We aren’t failures as people or as a couple.” She explained. 

“You’d be a cute giant panda, though.” Spencer muttered after a moment. 

(Y/n) laughed and nodded in agreement. “So, would you.” 

“You know,” Spencer said suddenly, “I always thought I’d be in academia when I was a kid. I never pictured myself in the FBI.” 

While the idea of Spencer as a teacher or researcher wasn’t preposterous, his words still surprised her. She wondered if he’d still be happy in that role. 

“Really?” 

“Do I really scream law enforcement material to you?” He rose an eyebrow as if to say ‘really’ and she held her hands up to concede.

“Well I’ve only ever known you in the BAU, which is part of the FBI, which is considered law enforcement. So, to me, yes.” 

“I also thought I would have cured schizophrenia by now. Or at least been really close to a cure.” He said, “I feel like such a failure because I haven’t even gotten started on it.”

“Well, you’ve been busy saving the world in other ways.” She pointed out. 

“What if it’s not enough?” 

“Schizophrenia has been around for like…forever. It’s not solely your job to cure it; I don’t think anyone expects you to. It’s just you.”

“Actually, it’s only been around for 208 years. In 1809 both English physician John Haslam and French physician Phillippe Pinel wrote about English tea broker James Tilly Matthews. He is largely considered the first case of paranoid schizophrenia; except there wasn’t a term for it at the time. It wasn’t until the late 19th century that the term dementia praecox was used to describe someone who we now refer to as schizophrenic. There’s been some debate over who first used the term, some say Emil Kraepelin in 1896 while others say it was Arnold Pick in 1891. It wasn’t until Eugene Bleuler coined the term schizophrenia in 1908 because he believed that it wasn’t a dementia at all, but merely a separation of function between personality, thinking, memory, and perception.” 

Maybe someone else would’ve been stunned or turned off by the correction and lengthy explanation, but (y/n) listened happily as he laid out the history of schizophrenia, all while looking at him like he hung the stars and the moon in the sky. She knew it was a touchy subject for him, between his mother, being scared of presenting signs when he turned 30, and genetics he might pass down to any children, so they didn’t talk much about it. 

‘You realize you’re putting 200-”

“208.” Spencer quietly corrected and she smiled to herself. 

God, she loved him. 

“208 years of mental illness solely on your shoulders.” She finished. “You’re one man who can’t be expected to solve all the world’s problems. You have a genius brain, but you’re still human like the rest of us average folk. As much as it may pain you to hear, you can’t do everything.”

“I know that.” He protested, but sometimes she wasn’t so sure. She knew he forgot to take care of himself when he got too into his head, but she wouldn’t dwell on that at the moment. “I just, I wonder if I’m on the wrong track. You know?”

“I do. I think most people wonder that at various times in their life. Second guessing yourself is common, and while it can be worrying, it’s something we all can get through.”

“I never second guess myself. I’m always sure in what decisions I make.”

“Hate to break it to you bud, you’re currently doing exactly that, hence your tailspin.” 

He cracked a small smile at her words, but ultimately sighed. 

She noticed that he still looked off, like he had more that was bothering him. She knew it all wasn’t going to get solved with this bathroom talk, but she didn’t want him to go to sleep with these worries on his mind. “What else are you thinking about?” 

Spencer shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, resigned to the fact that he was just going to feel shitty about things for a while. “It doesn’t matter. It’s stupid anyways.” 

(Y/n) refused to accept that answer. “It’s not stupid. It matters to you, so I want to hear about it.” She said softly, playing with his fingers. 

“How am I supposed to keep you safe if I can’t even kick down a door?” His voice sounded so soft and scared. She wanted to wrap a blanket around him and lay underneath; shielding him from the world. 

“Who said I needed you to keep me safe?”

“It’s my job. That is literally in my job description, keep the public safe. You are part of that public.” He countered.

“How does being able to kick down a door correlate to keeping someone safe? Are you going to kick the intruder down?” The mental image was amusing to her, but she knew better than to laugh. 

“Did you know that yesterday I was stuck in an elevator with Garcia and Derek?” He began, bringing her attention back to the subject at hand. “He had to pry the doors open enough to trigger the emergency system so that help could arrive. You know what she said after it was all said and done? ‘Thank God we had Morgan there, otherwise we’d probably still be stuck in the elevator.’ Like, I would have been completely useless had he not been there. It did not make me feel good at all.” He said. While things regarding his mood seemed to click into place for her, (y/n) had so many questions. Where were their cell phones? How was Derek even able to pry open the doors? Did they hit the emergency stop button? 

All those things ran through her mind, but mostly she felt like she wanted to shake Penelope for her comment. She doubted there was any malicious intent behind it, and she knew Spencer knew that, too, but it clearly hurt his feelings and struck a sensitive nerve inside him. 

“It’s alright though,” he said cutting her thoughts short, “it doesn’t really matter.”

“What doesn’t?”

“Being liked. Who says we have to be liked? Why should I care if people like me? It’s all overrated.” Maybe if he said the words out loud he might believe them, but even she didn’t look convinced.

“Except that it isn’t and really, we all care. It’s part of human nature, you of all people should know this.” She said eyeing him.

When he didn’t say anything, (y/n) decided she wasn’t going to let him spiral into his self-deprecating thoughts any longer.

“Alright Spencer, listen to me.” (Y/n) sat up straight so he could see how serious her next statement was going to be. “I love you with my entire heart. That being said, I don’t need a knight in shining armor to swoop in and save me. So, you didn’t go into education, you still can if you want to. But you don’t have to just because you thought you would as a kid. Who cares if Derek and Hotch have children and you don’t? You’re not Derek Morgan or Aaron Hotchner. You’ve had an entirely different life and set of circumstances than they have. They couldn’t do half the things you can, and that’s okay. Who cares if you don’t wear matching socks or that Hotch probably wears a tailored suit to work every day?” 

“He does.” Spencer interrupted, but one look from (y/n) had him mumbling an apology. 

“The whole point is, you all have your own strengths, weaknesses, and something unique that you bring to the table. Your strength just happens to be in your brain, not your body. It doesn’t matter that you can’t kick down a door because you know they always say to work smarter not harder. Let Derek do the hard work and you do the smart work. There’s nothing wrong with that.” 

A beat of silence passed between them before Spencer smiled and let out a few hearty laughs. (Y/n) might’ve been put off by that at any other time, but she was just happy that he wasn’t frowning anymore. 

“You are…not great at making me feel better. But you tried, and I love you for it.” His smile then was the first genuine one of the day. 

Try as she might, motivational speeches were not her forte, but there was something endearing about how bad she was at it. 

“You’re just being a grump right now, so no matter what I say is going to make you feel better. When it’s all said and done, at the end of the day I love you, Spencer, for exactly who you are. I wouldn’t change a single thing about you. Even the things you might want to change about yourself.” 

Even when he didn’t feel like the shining star that she thought he was, she was there for him and would support and love him. 

“Thank you. I appreciate knowing that I always have you in my corner.” He smiled down on her and gave her a pert kiss on the nose, making them both smile. 

“You always will.” She agreed, mirroring his kiss. “Do you feel better?” 

“I do. You’ll never be a motivational speaker, but you did make me feel better.” He nods with a laugh. 

“I gave it a valiant effort. You want to go to bed?” She tilted her head in question. She knew her shortcomings and made no qualms about them. She knew Spencer loved her for who she was, just as she loved him for who he was. That was part of what made them so great together, at least in her mind. 

[spencerreidsbookbag]

Somebody I used to know - S.R

Now and then I think of when we were together

“Hey Spencer, how’s Y/N?” Derek asked, taking a seat on his desk chair. 

“Wouldn’t know, we separated a few weeks ago,” I answered, gauging his response.

His eyebrow raised, and he looked up from the files he was skimming over. “You didn’t mention anything kid,” 

“There wasn’t anything to mention,” I answered, turning to face Penelope. 

She placed a coffee down in front of Derek, and smiled at me before turning to go back to her bat-cave. I excused myself and stepped into the bathrooms, splashing the cold water on my face. As I studied my reflection my mind started running, going over all the moments I had with Y/N in perfect detail. 

Y/N ran in front of me her hair waving behind her while she laughed. 

“Catch me if you can Spencer,” She yelled, turning her head slightly. 

I laughed loudly and ran the tiniest bit faster, slowly catching up towards Y/N. She let out a loud squeal as I wrapped my arms around her midsection and held her tightly. 

“Caught you,” I whispered into her ear. 

Like when you said you felt so happy you could die

I couldn’t find Y/N anywhere, and the rain outside was getting heavier. I kept calling out her name, and looking in illogical places like under the couch and behind curtains. I stopped my movements, and ran my fingers through my hair. 

“Spencer,” Y/N called out, and I followed her voice. 

She was laying outside in summer clothes that were drenched from the rain. An umbrella stopped the rain from hitting her face, and sunglasses were perched on the bridge of her nose. I ran to where she was, and pulled her into me. 

“Did you know that Hawaii is the state with the most rainfall per year,” Y/N whispered, shivering slightly. 

I chuckled, and took my jumper off to drape around her shoulders. “Did you know cold temperatures weaken the immune system,” I quipped. 

Y/N chuckled, and moved to rest her head on my shoulder. We sat together until we were both shivering, and practically on top of each other to preserve warmth. 

“Spencer, right now I’m so happy, I wouldn’t mind dying. I’m happy with where I’ve gotten with you, and all the time I’ve spent with you,” Y/n whispered, handing me the umbrella. 

I took it from her hands and looked up at her as she spun around in the rain with her arms outstretched and mouth wide open. 

Told myself that you were right for me 

But felt so lonely in your company

Y/N slept on the recliner across from me, Emily sat next to her and looked at me curiously. I continued staring at Y/N and rose to my feet, asking Emily to switch seats with me. As I sat down on the plane seat, I wrapped an arm around Y/N and pulled her into my chest. 

Emily chuckled, and pulled her headphones on shutting her eyes. I looked down at Y/N, and pulled a strand of hair that was stuck to her cheek. I ran my fingers through her hair and smoothed it down occasionally. My eyes were trained on her and focused on all of her features. 

Her eyelashes framed her face and her mouth was in a pout. My mind wandered as I studied her face. What makes a ‘spark’ that draws you to another person? What defines attraction? Is what I feel now a representation of love? 

I don’t reciprocate what Y/N felt, or understand why she feels the way she does. I know I have her there physically, and but sometimes I feel like she isn’t there at all. 

But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember 

I could smell pancakes, and fresh honey. I rubbed the sleep away from my eyes and pulled myself out of the blankets I was wrapped in and walked towards the kitchen. Y/N stood there in front of the frying pan, bobbing her head and humming. 

There was a large patterned beanie on her head, the large pom pom on the top wiggling along with her head movements. A large brown sweater covered her shoulders, and if it was the one I thought it was it went all the way down and covered her knees too. 

As if she could hear my thoughts, she turned around with a plate in her hand and slid it in my direction. There were three large pancakes covered and honey and diced strawberries. A fork appeared next to my hand, and I looked up to Y/N. She was grinning and turned back to the frying pan and continued humming. 

“I can hear the cogs in your brain turning Spencer. It’s breakfast, the most important meal of the day but you don’t need me to tell you that,” She said, peeking over her shoulder briefly. 

I nodded and picked the fork up, and dug it into the pancake. A moan left my throat as it hit my taste buds and exploded in mouthwatering flavors. Y/N chuckled at the sound, and began to sway. This was something I could get used to, and something I would move mountains for. 

The bathroom door flew open and my eyes flew up to meet Derek’s in the mirror. He had his go-bag in hand, and paper files in the other. I nodded and turned to grab them, and stepped around Derek as I reached under my desk for the go-bag that was always packed and ready to go. 

“Just so you know, Y/N’s involved in this case Spencer, so you’ll need to put whatever feelings you have for each other good or bad aside,” Derek said as we entered the elevator. 

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness 

Like resignation to the end, always the end

Breaking up with Spencer was hard. A relationship that felt like forever, with feelings that weren’t reciprocated was straining. Spencer tried his best to return the love I gave, but he didn’t have it in his heart. I respected how he felt, and brought up separation for the benefit of us both. 

After the transfer was approved from Strauss, in hand with pleading and a promise to approve of her replacement regardless of their past with the BAU team, I left. I didn’t take my belongings from Spencer’s house, and I knew they were still packed up in the spare room. 

They weren’t of any concern currently, the only thing that mattered was healing (though that wasn’t going very well) and helping solve the case of the murders popping up all over town. The hollow feeling I felt didn’t go away and was addicting at his point. Two months on from Spencer and I had attached myself to the last feeling he had given me. 

So when we found out we could not make sense 

Well, you said that we still would be friends 

But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over 

The plane was silent, and I was standing in the small kitchenette fixing myself a coffee. My thoughts wandered back to when Y/N and I separated. 

“Spencer,” Y/N whispered, peeking over the top of the blanket. 

I looked over to her, and smiled sadly. Her face was flushed and beads of sweat formed on her forehead. I stepped over to the bed, and sat down brushing the hair away from around her eyes. 

“I’m sorry Y/N, I’m so so sorry. I will always be here for you as a friend,” I whispered. 

She rolled away from me and pulled the blanket over her head. My hand came up to instinctively rub her back and Y/N’s shot out from the blanket telling me not to move. 

“I understand you’re trying to comfort me Spencer, but there is no point. You’ve come when I was down and asked for your help, only to tell me that you’re sorry and that you don’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. Please leave Spencer,” She rasped, her hand moving back down underneath the blanket. 

“I really am sorry Y/N, I hope you get better soon,” I whispered, patting the side of the bed where I sat. 

I slowly stood and turned away from Y/N. I took in the surroundings of her room; the small pile of books that I had recommended perched on the rocking chair Y/N had been gifted by her grandfather, the knitted blanket Y/N had made was in a ball on the floor, tissues were scattered around a small paper bin and Y/N was curled under her fluffy blanket on her bed her hair peaking out from underneath the blanket. 

“Y/N, next time as friends,” I said, opening her bedroom door. 

“Yeah, as friends,” Y/N croaked, pulling the blanket around her further. 

I somewhat felt free, a pressure lifting off my chest but at the same time a sense of guilt flushed over me.

“What’re you doing Spencer, I’ve been calling your name for ages,” Morgan said, snapping me out of my reverie. 

“Thinking,” I quipped, stepping around him to go back and take my seat. 

But you didn’t have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing 

“Aaron, Derek, Jennifer, Dave and Spencer. Welcome, thank you for coming to help it’s greatly appreciated even though it doesn’t seem like it,” I said, shaking everyone’s hands. 

I hesitated when it came to Spencer, and drew my hand back knowing he was about to spout some statistic about the transfer of germs when shaking hands. It seemed like everyone waited for for him to speak, the typical statistic about how kissing is safer never leaving his lips. 

“Right just this way, I’ll introduce you to everyone else,” I stated, turning on my heel. 

After I made the formal introductions, I excused myself going to the staff kitchen’s to collect myself. 

“Was I really nothing to you Y/N?” I heard Spencer whisper, feeling his presence behind me. 

“I should be the one asking you that question, excuse me I need to read over my files. I don’t have a memory like yours,” I answered, rubbing my face. 

I turned to face Spencer and my eyes met his. His face was scrunched up in the expression he holds when he isn’t able to properly interpret the social situation pasted on his face. 

“We can speak once we solve this case,” 

TAGLIST:

@criesinreid​ @slutforthegubes​ @watermelonstyl​ @cheyxminds​ @goldnratio​ @pinkdiamond1016​

[partnersatfazbear]

Fazbear Frights: What We Found Analysis

Here’s my analysis for What We Found, the third story in Gumdrop Angel. I wrote this as I read so it may be a little different than my previous analysis where I read the story first and went back.

If you’re a Michael Afton fan I highly recommend this. Also, there’s possibly some insight into William Afton, Mrs. Afton, and Henry too, so it’s worth a skim.

Pg 144 '...a place thirty-some years forgotten' Just reconfirming FNAF 3 is 30 years past *one* of the FNAF closings, presumably FNAF 2 location.

Pg 145 "The whole building was giving him [Hudson] a headache." FIX THE VENTILATION BRUH

Pg 148 '...they were able to use salvaged derelict equiptment original to the old pizzerias.' Another confirmation of something we heard from Phone Guy.

Pg 147 "How old are you?" "Twenty-three, same as you." I think this gives us Michael's age during FNAF 3.

EDIT: This kept me awake last night. Obviously this is impossible because he has to be alive for at least 10 years before 1983, BUT maybe its just reconfirming FNAF 3′s year? 2023?

Pg 149 "Hudsan's dad died and his mom married Lewis, a ridiculous balding man who wore plaid vests and smoked a pipe" Did... Did this book just seriously imply Mrs. Afton left William for Henry? Really? (Yes, there's differences; the husband is dead and the man wears plaid 'vests' but it seems very odd to include that detail. This could just have been the writer's own imagination, though.) I have seen this as a fan theory and 100% explains the jealousy aspect of William, but I can't help but kinda hate it. I think this is very important, though, and probably Scott's intention. "This horrible little man [Lewis]... would make Hudson's next ten years a living Hell" This REALLY intrigues me given the context I just went over. The text implies Lewis was fairly neglectful to our main character / Michael stand-in Hudson. Maybe I'm wrong and for some reason Mrs. Emily left and went to William? XD Haha, I'm reading too much into this page. Maybe I'll come back to this later. I figure it's more of Scott possibly including double-details (contradicting stuff with the same character that really applies to two, which has been something I heavily pointed out in previous anaylsis on this blog) Having said that, I'm going w/the former because I can't imagine Henry being abusive (neglectful yes, abusive no) and he's never been portrayed that way in official works like William has in the novels.

Pg 150 "Hudson began to screw up in class...a product of spending the night in fear that his stepfather [Lewis]... [would] beat him just for the fun of it." Ooof. Big confirm on William actually being abusive. Unless we stick with the Henry theory for Lewis (combined with Midnight Motorist Henry theory / alcoholic). "...near-daily beatings..." "his mom started taking pills to get through the day..." So, whoever Mrs. Afton is, she was definetly not paying attention. But then, most people married to serial killers either don't notice because of denial (like this) or because the killer is so manipulative / careful they can't notice.

"Barry, who had red hair and freckles..." Yo?! Is that a description of Fritz?! These friends in the story could be the other kids Michael knew's stand-in's, aka the two gravestones with names he used (Fritz and Jeremy), as shown in the checks for the games and FNAF 6. I've long figured Michael was probably friends with the victims--it makes them easier, although riskier, targets [for William]. The two friends are male, too, like Fritz and Jeremy. If you're curious about Duane's description (our stand in for Jeremy), it's "tight black shirt... muscles... black hair long enough for a glossy ponytail..." I'm not sure if this matches anything found in the novels or contradicts them, though. (The novels = TSE trilogy)

"And so it went... until the night of the fire." For context, this is before FF burns down. We're learning of Hudson's life from his close friends in childhood, his father's death, his mother remarrying, to his abusive stepfather, to his grades slipping to this line. This would be a new fire not seen/mentioned in the games...

Pg 151 "...go to Charlie's for a sundae..." Really. Really Scott. Just gonna use this name again. OK. I'm not even gonna discuss this because it's probably irrelevant. *This is confirmed on pg 158 to be an ice cream shop. No lore relevance aside the annoying name coincidences Scott loves to troll with.

"This is not... an advance into enemy territory, a fight with demons, or a descent into Hell..." Uh, what? What is Hudson talking about? XD I'm only noting it because it seems so out of place. He's probably talking about video games or something.

Another note, although I don't have a specific reference since it is mentioned off-hand many times, is that Hudson keeps referring to his "history" which is implied to have kept him from getting a well-paying job and a girl he's crushing on doesn't know this "history" which is good for him. Seems good old "Michael Stand-In" has done some jail time or something. Edit: On pg 154/155 the girl asks Hudson, "Did you do it?" Seems he may have killed his stepfather or been involved with something else just as bad. Edit 2: No, I was thinking too deep into it. This probably refers to Evan's death at Fredbear's. DUH.

Pg 156 describes an actual "prize corner" in FF! What am I even reading? IIRC this is in FNAF 3, too. So they just hand out these scary gift boxes to people that complete the attraction? (Hudson says he *would* have fun handing out the scary toys to kids when this location opens--kind of a bully thing to do, eh?)

"[Hudson] avoid[ed] glancing in any of the mirrors..." I'm only pointing this out because it could be reference to one of two things. 1) We know because of one of UCN's music tracks, William has a fear of his reflection. Michael probably shares this trait, especially since 2) after Ennard and all... and later on pg 157 it also says, "he never wanted to face: himself" Sounds like guilt, my guy.

Pg 157 "blonde hair... blue eyes..." Hudson shares an eye color with Michael. It's possible Michael had blonde hair as a child and it changed to brown (it's common, something I personally went through being technically blonde/ blue eyed myself)

"He [Hudson] knew from personal experience that toys could turn from fun...to torture ina heart-beat" Fairly self explanatory. Either Hudson's worked at a creepy location before or he doesn't like remembering Fredbear's.

*checks how much is left.* There's still 35 pages (not counting back/front) left of this... This is gonna be a lot of notes.

Pg 158 Hudson doesn't have a car. Poor Mike, probably having to walk everywhere. Especially as a corpse.

Pg 160 This page describes many physical issues Hudson has that prevents him from entering the Navy, all from the abuse of Lewis. Obvious paralell to Michael becoming an undead [because his father sent him to CBPR indirectly causing his condition]

Pg 161 "How's your granny, Hud?... ...Is she still alive?" "I don't think she can die." Does anyone in the Afton family really 'die'? XD

Pg 162 These few pages discuss Hudson's grandmother. She's described as "a seer who claimed to know the future... ...wore big men's plaid flannel shirts with baggy jeans" Um, more plaid / flannel? AGH. STAHP. Lowkey, I would totally headcanon my Aunt Jen like this, though.

Pg 163 "Hudson's mom... the way she was before Hudson's dad had died... never... particularly warm and fuzzy... but... effiencient and responsible..." More about Mrs. Afton, so that's kinda neat.

"Hudson's dad was fun and attentive." There's a good Dad in this series?

"Unfortunetly, he also struggled with mental illness." "invisible low points" (Pg 164) Kinda reminds me of how Henry is described after Charlotte's death in the books.

Pg 164 "When Steven got himself into a bad deal that cost him his small business... he'd taken his life." Oh, it is Henry! SMH. Way to use confusing paralells. So, from our understanding thus far, Hudson's real father, Steven, is our Henry stand-in. His step-father despite being described similar to Henry, is actually our William stand-in. Fair game, Scott.

Pg 164 "...he [Hudson] was locked into a supply closet..." Oh shit, you guys. So, let me go on a tangent here, because this IS important! I just watched a retrospective on Sister Location and FNAF 6 earlier and one theory for Midnight Motorist was the person in the chair was the mother and the kid was Michael. I think this little line may confirm that. In fact, the story may be the key to figuring things out. Obviously, the line is a paralell to FNAF 4's scene in which Crying Child was locked in the supply closet of Fredbear's. I know some people, including Matpat, believe[d] CC was Michael, and in this book's context, it sort of works. This does contradict Step Closer and 1000 other things that make Michael the older brother, but maybe it's hinting at MM? Abusive stepdad (possibly Henry... maybe William is gone at this point), checked out Mom (hey, grey couch lady with Foxybro's font). IDK, but its definetly something to think about.

Pg 165 Lewis is mentioned as calling Hudson "nothing" and saying "you're nothing" on several occasions on this page. Just more abuse, for those accurate fanfic writers like me. Also I kinda wanna watch Morel Orel again. Yall know my fav character is Clay. Yall know.

"You're smoke." <-- Lewis / The text later reads, "...there was some irony, given what eventually happened." BRUH. Why did your stepdad die in a fire? :V TELL ME.

"When his family's house burned down at the end of his senior year..." Huh. Is there a fire we don't know about in the game-verse? Could this explain what happened to the FNAF 4 house before MM house?!

"...it purged Hudson of Lewis and his mother." MRS. AFTON BURNED ALIVE, TOO? Bruh. I can't with this story.

The text later describes the fire is concluded to be man-made and Hudson was blamed for it. Can't say if this ties to Michael, but it IS interesting... TBF, there is a small paralell to draw between Henry in FNAF 6 and his history of suicide in the books, too.

Pg 166 "...this place's [FF] busted thermostat.." I just find this line funny.

Pg 167 "...after three weeks of keeping an eye on the place" Some more timeline context for FNAF 3. We know that Michael worked there a little while before we start playing the game thanks to one of the phone calls, IIRC, so this makes sense. If Michael was accused of [something] and also wanting to hunt down his father, then it makes perfect sense why he's working a dead end job at Freddy's over and over and over. Fun fun fun.

Pg 169 "He hated to think about a functional character [Foxy]" This line is in regards to Hudson not liking the set up of Pirate's Cove and Foxy's hook to scare people. Sounds familiar, don't it? (For Michael anyway.)

Pg 173 "Some big find is arriving tomorrow." SPRINGY BOI! COME ON BOOK, get on with the show?

Pg 176 "Granny was wearing a red-and-green plaid shirt and her baggy jeans." Nothing special, but it was specifically brought up twice. I'm kind of racking my brain trying to understand what the point of this character is outside of "woooo everything is haunted don't you know that" kind of character.

Pg 180 "...dropped the crate on the linoleum with a resounding thud." HEY. Poor Springtrap, just gettin' tossed around like the trash he is.

Pg 186 "If you weren't so stupid, I'd tell you more about it." Springtrap bringing the burn. =:)

"A voice with a burr-like rasp...hint of a Southern accent" I'm going to assume this is because it's Lewis probably in the suit in this story and not our old British lad.

"It's was Mr. Atkin's voice." THE MATH TEACHER? *goes back to check* 'The algebra teacher'. Okay...

Pg 190 Okay, so Hudson hear's Lewis' voice this time. Okay, I get it now. Springtrap in this kind of imbodies all of Hudson's old bullies, including the teacher. He also has PTSD, just FYI. IDK if anyone finds that important, but it's fairly obvious by the line "He wasn't in his bedroom. Lewis didn't just slam his head into a desk; his head had been slammed into the [arcade] game."

"Why did he hallucinate a scene from his childhood?" Oh, it's not PTSD, then. It's just the VENTILATION ERROR. lol Okay.

Just a note, as I'm reading through the more action-based stuff, I kind of feel bad for Michael if he had flashbacks like this guy. They're intense.

So, Lewis' voice finally comes out of Springtrap on Pg 213. There's that.

Pg 220 "You can just stay there [in his room]" Kind of a paralell to Midnight Motorist. Lewis is saying it to Hudson. I really feel like the kid in the MM game is Michael because of this story...

Pg 223 "Heat purges. Fire heals." I'm sure that's Henry's life motto.

The ending was stupid, but most in these stories are. Hudson is hallucinating and is implied to have burned himself alive in FF's oven. Meh? The first half of this one is A TRIP and a little insight into what I 100% believe is Michael's childhood. I think the saddest part of it all is that we never got Springtrap speaking to Michael in FNAF 3--and if it's ever remade I hope we get more of them interacting.

[imaginesandinserts]

Irreverent Pt. 29 - Perception

Title: Irreverent Pt. 29 - Perception Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Reader Rating: R Words: 1516

Irreverent Series Masterlist

You had just got back to the bullpen from a meeting with the FBI Director, Walter McKinney. Your meeting with the Director that day had been incredibly important, so you had dressed very carefully. Both Hotch and Rossi had pulled you aside ahead of the meeting and told you that it was a first step towards being tapped by FBI leadership as having the potential to move into the higher echelons of the agency.

You sat and thought about the meeting before you had to go debrief with Hotch and Rossi on it. You thought the meeting had gone relatively well. Director McKinney had praised your consistent results despite the unsavoriness of the involvement of your father. The FBI had pretty much brushed their involvement with him earlier under the table, but McKinney had wanted you to know that he understood the difficult position you'd been in. He'd also emphasized how important it was to be above reproach when you want to move up.

"Plenty of Agents are perfectly happy staying exactly where they are, and there is nothing wrong with that," he'd told you. "However, in moving up, you become more visible and your reputation becomes linked to the Bureau's reputation. It is important to be always mindful of that."

You'd also been thinking a lot about you and Hotch lately. You weren't sure if you should say or do something because he was still your boss and you two worked together. However, you couldn't deny that there was something there and you were pretty sure it was mutual. There was no way that someone had the level of comfort and domesticity the two of you were able to achieve, and not have something be there. You'd realized that the reason you didn't go on dates with other men and went out of your way to accommodate both him and Jack into your schedule had been because you were in love with him. You just hadn't realized it. However, he did the same and you had to believe that it meant that he felt something for you as well.

You walked towards Hotch's office when it was your turn for the career talk. Emily had just wrapped hers up and was exiting with a smug smile on her face. She winked at you as she passed, causing you to smile.

You knocked and entered, to see Hotch seated behind his desk and Rossi sitting across from him. You grabbed the chair next to Rossi. They both looked at your expectantly.

"It was good," you reassured them. "McKinney seemed like he actually wanted me to do well. He had all the reports you two sent him and I think he's convinced. I know I won't know officially if I'm tapped until the ball, but outlook is good."

Hotch smiled, relieved. He'd turned in all the recommendations and reports on you, knowing that you deserved all the recognition possible. Both him and Rossi agreed, that out of anyone on the team, you were most suited to move up the more political branch of the Bureau. You had a knack for it that couldn't be taught.

"That's great, Y/N," he said warmly. He turned to look at Rossi next. "This means we need to prepare her for the Ball."

Rossi nodded. "Good job Kid."

"Thanks."

You were about to let them proceed but something made you realize that you had to say something before you were on a path you couldn't turn around from. "He also said something about perception."

The two of them looked at you, pausing their planning.

"He said that perception is a big part of moving up and how you're perceived matters more than what you actually do sometimes."

They both nodded. You looked at Hotch and saw his brow furrowed slightly. You turned away and looked at Rossi instead, because you weren't sure you'd be able to get it out while looking at Hotch. "What's the typical perception when people are involved with their coworkers. Particularly supervisor-employee relationships?"

Rossi looked confused before you saw the light go on in his head. Sighing, he said, "Not always great. It can cast a shadow of questions around how someone went about moving ahead."

You nodded. That's to be expected really. Steeling yourself, you faced Hotch again. He looked really confused at your question to Rossi but you could see the wheels turning in his head, trying to make sense of where you were going.

"I am determined to have a great career," you said directly to him, "but it doesn't have to be here."

"Then why are we here, Y/N?" he asked, leaning in towards you.

You looked from him to Rossi, who nodded just barely. You had to just do it because Hotch was too proper and never would. "Hotch," you stopped for a second. He looked confused and concerned and he wasn't going to get it and you were about to make a fool of yourself and Rossi was there but if not now then when? You began again, "Aaron, would you like to get dinner sometime?"

Hotch's brain stopped functioning the second you called him by his name. He swallowed and you knew he knew. From the corner of your eye you saw Rossi get up and excuse himself, quickly walking out the door and leaving the two of you alone.

Hotch stood up and came around to your side of the table, prompting you to stand as well. He swallowed and you couldn't help but watch his face for any sign of something - a yes or a no - something.

"That's the first time you've called me Aaron," he said. His fingers were just barely skimming the side of the arms.

You nodded. You'd always called him Hotch directly - he'd asked you to. He was standing so unbelievably close but he still hadn't said anything to really acknowledge what you'd asked him.

"Just to be clear, dinner isn't just dinner, right?" His voice was barely a whisper and it caused goosebumps to erupt all over you.

"No."

"Are you sure?" He was asking if you were sure? But he was also looking at you in a way that you knew the answer was a yes. You wouldn't be talking like this if it wasn't He wouldn't be touching you if he was going to say no. Hotch wasn't cruel like that.

You licked your lips and took a deep breath, trying to focus on anything besides how good it felt to have him touch you. But you were also incredibly nervous because this would change everything and you had to be certain that you were both on the same page. "Are you?" you asked. "Because I know you, and I know what this will look like, so I need to know that if we do this - in a month or a year from now, you won't freak out. You won't surprise me one day and say that you're too old or not good enough or that I deserve better." You heard him suck in a breath. "Because, you have to know that the age thing has never mattered between us and that's only going to matter if we let other people get to us. And you are good enough - you're a better man than I could have ever hoped to be with. So I need to know if you're sure, because I won't survive having my heart broken by you."

He'd stood there and listened to you. Listened to you pick up on everything he'd ever let stop him from taking this step that you'd so boldly taken today. Listened to you quell every worry he'd had about it. Listened to you talk about him in ways he'd only ever heard you talk about when he happened to catch it, and never directed at him before. He felt his heart soar and then break, knowing that your biggest fear in all this was only ever being hurt by him leaving.

His hand came up to cup your cheek and he looked at you with such love and adoration, his eyes conveying the full breadth of his sincerity and respect towards you. When he spoke his voice came out heavy and gravelly. "Sweatheart, you're it for me. You've been it for me for years now and I should've told you. You're the only person I want to see all the time and if I got the chance to do that, I'm never letting go."

You realized you were crying as he spoke but don't have a chance to wipe your face as he does it for you, swiping his large thumbs across your cheek. Before you know it his lips are on yours, and your eyes flutter shut. He is insistent against you, his hands still holding your face, pouring years of longing and pining into this one kiss. Kissing someone should always feel like this, you thought, before he briefly broke the kiss with a gasp, only to  capture your mouth again, eliminating any thoughts all together.

[fredbecrsfcmily]

He knew, somehow, the moment the phone rang, what the call would be about, but Alex is at the phone before he even has a chance to stand. A look passes over his son's face, and his small hand suddenly grips the cord like it's a lifeline, knuckles turning white from the strain of it.

When Henry goes to him he all but shoves the offending piece of plastic into his chest and storms out of the room. Henry hopes he goes upstairs to his room so he doesn't have to hear what he expects to be the most difficult phone call he's ever had to take in his life.

"Hello? Mr. Emily speaking."

"Mr. Emily? This is the Washington County coroner's office. A body was found and we need you to come up and possibly identify it, if you can come in today the office is open until 6, or we can set up an appointment if you need time to prepare."

Henry's blood runs cold and he has to force himself to focus so he can answer.

"No, I'll... I'd like to come in today."

"Alright, that's fine. You can bring someone with you if you want, but I'd recommend you view the body by yourself."

"No, it'll just be me."

The coroner gives him the address and he writes it down without even registering what he's written, and he manages to end the call without breaking down, but he can feel his resolve start to crack. The very idea that they might have found his baby... It's enough to make him sick.

A sudden slam of a door upstairs startles him out of his thoughts, and he has to pause a moment. After taking his glasses off to rub tiredly at his eyes, then replacing them, he makes his way upstairs, stopping in front of Alex's closed door. He thinks he can hear sniffling, though muffled, and his heart aches.

"Alex, I'm going out for something very important, and I need you to stay here and let mama know if I'm not back before she gets home, alright?" He says, leaning his forehead against the door. Alex doesn't answer, but he didn't expect him to. He knows he's been heard, though, and with a sigh, turns away to head back downstairs and mentally prepare himself for what he has to do.

The drive to the coroner's office feels excruciatingly long, quiet. Henry has never hated being alone with his thoughts more than he does right now. By the time the building comes into view and he steps out of his car to go up to the entrance, there's a tremor in his steps he's trying desperately to ignore.

It might not be her, he tells himself. As horrible as it is to imagine someone else's little girl might be inside, there's still a selfish side of him that hopes he can't identify the body. He hopes they'll find her simply wandering and lost somewhere, but whole and safe. Alive. So he can hold her in his arms and tell her he'll never let anything like this happen again, that he'll make sure she's always safe.

There's a middle-aged woman behind the reception counter when he walks in, and she smiles cheerfully as he walks up, kindly not remarking on his inability to return her smile. It must be tough, he thinks idly, having this kind of job and dealing with grieving families constantly. He couldn't do it.

"Mr. Emily?" She asks, and his mouth is too dry for speaking, so he simply nods. She types something into her computer, then stands, ushering Henry to follow her through a door leading further into the building. She knocks on an office door, waving through the little window at the man seated at the desk inside, then pats Henry gently on the arm as she turns to walk back to the reception area.

"Sam'll take you back, if you need any resources before you leave don't hesitate to let me know, hon." He nods again, then waits patiently as the man he assumes is the coroner, Sam, emerges from the little office, following behind as he motions after him.

"I have to be upfront with you, Mr. Emily, even if you can't identify, this is going to be difficult to see. Decomposition sets in a lot more quickly than most people realize, and that's not considering things like the weather and such, so before we go in, I have to ask if you are sure you're ready for this." Sam says, pausing in front of a set of double doors. Henry somehow manages to find his voice, though it's a slight struggle to get the words out.

"If I can be frank, sir, whether I'm ready doesn't matter, I just need to know if that's my baby girl or not."

Sam sighs, then nods, a knowing sort of look in his eyes that makes Henry feel like his own soul is getting ripped out through his feet, but he grits his teeth silently and follows the man into the room.

It's cold, colder than he expects, and he shivers involuntarily, then freezes in place when he sees the metal examining table and the too-small sheet-covered body laying on it. He feels sick again but eventually forces himself to walk up beside Sam, hands in trembling fists at his sides as the coroner carefully pulls the sheet back to reveal the tiny figure underneath.

His first reaction is not one of recognition but of horror. A cry sticks, lodges itself in his throat, as the initial reaction fades and he picks up on little things. And then Sam turns the body, lifting it slightly to point out a faint pink mark barely visible on the back of her neck, just peeking out past the hairline, and the sight of her familiar angel's kiss birthmark sends the sob rocketing out of his body.

He reaches out, hesitantly, glancing at Sam first who nods, and then he takes hold of her hand as gently as he can. Words slip out before he can stop them, repeating and falling over each other in a torrent he can do little to hold back.

"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry daddy wasn't there to protect you. I should've been there, I'm sorry."

He crumples in on himself, has to let go as he falls to the floor and just sobs, face in his hands. Dimly, he's aware of Sam kneeling by his side, his hand warm on his back, as comforting as is possible in the given situation. He doesn't know how long he cries, only that when the tears finally stop he feels like he has emptied himself only to fill up the hollow space with pain so pure and blinding he can't think around it.

Sometime between the start of his outburst and the end of it, Sam had managed to lead him to another room, and he only comes back to himself when something hot and steaming is placed in his hands. Hot cocoa, Sam tells him quietly, and Henry lets out strangled noise in place of actual words. He blows on the drink, sips it, lets the warmth seep back into his fingers and toes, listens as Sam starts to go over Henry's options, but he's barely listening. He tells him as much, and Sam nods, understanding written plain on his face, then quietly gives him a few pamphlets to take home.

"When you decide on funeral arrangements, just give the location our info and we'll handle the transportation details. You have a very tough time ahead of you, but you aren't alone, don't forget that." Sam says as they walk back to the entrance, and Henry nods, unable to give any other kind of response. The man gives a tired wave as Henry heads out the door and back to his car, but he can't bring himself to return it. It's all he can do to focus on getting in his car and starting it up so he can make the long drive home.

@prizecxrner (tagging for character mentions, Alex and Mari, who are not mine but were used with permission)

[all-the-love-harold]

Chapter 11- Hang in there, Baby

Master Post 

August 15th 2021 

 Emily 31 Weeks 

Poppy 27 Weeks 

 The summer sun shone brightly through the bedroom curtains as Poppy’s eyes flashed open.  A sharp pain in her back had jolted her out of a deep sleep. The pain subsided and she gently rolled over to check the time on her phone, 6:36am. Oli would be awake soon so  there wasn’t much point in trying to go back to sleep. She sat up a little, wincing at the pain in her back that was more of a dull ache now and her movements awoke Harry. 

 “ ‘s the time?” he groaned, still groggy with sleep. “It’s almost twenty to 7,” Poppy whispered. “And Oli’s still asleep so shhhh!” she hushed. 

Harry rolled over so that he could see Poppy and placed his hand gently on the swell of her belly, “and how’s our little girl?” he asked softly, smiling as he always did when he talked about his daughter. 

“I think she’s still sleeping too, had her mother up at 3am kicking like a mad woman!” 

“No doubt she’s your daughter then,” Harry laughed 

“I don’t kick in my sleep,” Poppy said, sounding very sure of herself, arms crossed over her chest in defense.

“Yes, you do” he sighed, still laughing, resting his head on her chest “but it’s ok because I love you anyway.” 

“I love yo-”  Suddenly Poppy stopped talking  and inhaled sharply, grabbing onto her back as another sharp pain  hit her like a tonne of bricks.

 “Are you OK?” Harry asked, sitting up properly now, his eyes narrowing as he watched her.

Poppy didn’t answer until the pain subsided into a dull ache again, “Yeah,” she nodded,  I’m fine, it’s just my back...” 

“Roll over, I’ll give you a massage.” 

She groaned a little as she turned onto her side, careful not to land on her pregnant belly. 

“Where’s it sore?” Harry’s hands hovered over her back.Poppy pointed to her lower back “Near my bum.” 

Harry began massaging the spot where she had pointed and it instantly started to feel better. But before it had the chance to really help, Oli toddled through the door. 

“Are we still having a baby party today Mum?” He asked, sliding into the bed next to her, ignoring everything else going on around him as though this question was the most important thing in the world right now.

“We are buddy, not until lunchtime though”... 

“But the baby’s not coming today?” 

“No, not today Ol, not for a while yet” Harry said, continuing to massage Poppy’s back, while also dropping a good morning kiss to his son’s forehead. “Is Emily’s baby coming today then?” he asked 

“No, still another few weeks until Emily’s baby is here too.” 

Oli sighed deeply, “I’m never gonna be a big brother!” he huffed dramatically, folding his arms over his chest, in an image of his mother about ten minutes earlier.

Harry and Poppy both giggled, which only sent another shooting pain up Poppy’s back. Harry felt her wince, the muscles seizing under his hands.

“Why don’t you go and have a hot bath, love? I’ll get Oli breakfast, come on mate.” 

As much as she wanted to say no and have breakfast together which was their tradition whenever Harry was home,  all she could really think about was how soothing the hot water would be rushing over her back so she nodded and pulled the covers back. 

“Oli, why don’t you go on Daddy’s side, so Mum can get out of bed?” 

Sometimes Poppy forgot that Oli was only four and didn’t think about things logically so instead of climbing out of bed and walking around to cuddle his dad, he rolled over his mother, making her groan in pain. 

“Oliver,” Harry said sternly, “Next time, please walk around, remember there’s a baby in Mummy's tummy, you need to be gentle with her...” 

“Sorry, daddy,” he sighed 

 Poppy tuned them out, focusing on her breathing to try and stop the pain in her back as she walked to the bathroom and turned on the hot water. She knew what this could be and she wasn’t willing to accept that possibility yet…

  The steaming hot water washed over her and her body felt lighter and less painful. The baby must have felt it too because she started kicking as soon as the water covered Poppy’s belly. 

“You can’t do this today, miss” Poppy breathed, trying to keep her voice calm,  hands on her belly. “You’ve got to stay in there for a few more weeks yet. Okay?..... I can’t have another Violet.” 

 ***

 Whatever Poppy did that morning must have helped because by the time everyone arrived for the baby shower, her back was feeling better, which she was unbelievably thankful for. This shower meant a lot to her, and to Em, who had invited her entire family. It was a little chaotic with everyone there, Em’s brother had a son the same age as Oli and the two of them were running around like mad men, not at all bothered by all the baby related games that were going on in the garden. 

“So... you got my baby sister pregnant?” Emily’s brother said to Harry as they both poured themselves a drink.

“Ahhh,” Harry laughed nervously “I guess I did…. Technically” 

“Sorry,” the brother giggled, “I’ve always wanted to say that - I’m Peter.” 

“Harry,” he held out his hand to shake Peter’s. 

“I know,” Peter said, “My husband is a big fan!” 

Harry couldn’t help but smile, “Sorry?” he said in a sarcastic tone .“No need,” Peter shook his head, “I’m a fan too,  even more so since I heard how wonderful you’ve been to Em through this whole thing.” 

“How could I not be?” Harry shrugged “She’s doing the most incredible thing for us and she's so graceful about it all!” 

“She always has been, has she told you that surrogacy is how we had our little Henry?” 

“She has,” Harry nodded “She told us that from the start, she said that’s why she wanted to do it.” 

“We never did anything like this for our surrogate, she’s had no contact with us since actually... I don’t want that for Em, I want her to see this little boy grow up.” 

“Em will always be a part of this family” Harry said “As long as she wants to be, everything here is on her terms.” 

“You and Poppy are good people,” Peter nodded. “I have to admit though, when Em told me that Poppy fell pregnant, I was worried that you two were in this for the wrong reasons and I told her to be careful, but you’ve really proven me wrong. Thank you.” 

“We didn’t know,” Harry sighed “When Poppy fell pregnant we didn’t know that we’d get to 27 weeks. We still don’t know how far we’ll get, we’re terrified all the time, but Em makes it easier, she keeps us focused on what we have right now, which is two babies and Oli.” 

“You’ve got a very sleepless few months ahead of you,” Peter said, feeling a little awkward 

“That we do,” Harry giggled. 

 On the other side of the garden, Poppy sat with Anne, Emily and her mum, Patricia, comparing pregnancy notes. 

“When I was having Gemma, all I wanted was mash potato, I ate bucketloads of it...” Anne said when the topic of cravings came up 

“Me too!” Em said, “My best friend makes the best mash, it’s so creamy. Shit. Now that’s all I can think about..”

“All I want is Vegemite,” Poppy said. “Harry’s perfected the art of Vegemite on toast this time around!” 

“I tried that once,” said Patricia, “It’s awful stuff, I don’t know how you eat it.” 

Poppy shrugged, “It’s an acquired taste, I’ve eaten it since I was a baby, so has Oli and he loves it too.” 

“All I wanted when I was having Pete was feta cheese, I ate so much of the stuff and now Em tells me that you’re not supposed to eat soft cheeses! Explains a lot about Pete now that I think about it, actually,” she laughed teasingly.

“It’s just what they recommend, Mum,” Em said. “Soft cheeses can contain the listeria bacteria - there’s a very small chance they can make you sick, and to avoid harming the baby, they say not to eat it at all.” 

“It pays to have an OB/GYN student around when you’re having a baby,” Poppy smiled. “Especially when she’s having a baby too!” 

“Speaking of,” Emily smiled, placing her hand on her belly, “Your little boy has been kicking like a mad man today!” 

“So has his sister,” Poppy giggled “feels like she’s doing backflips in there.” 

“They’re going to be such good friends,” Anne said, a wide smile stretched across her face. “I wonder if they’ll have that twin telepathy thing...” 

“They’re not twins,” Poppy said teasingly with a half smile stretched across her face.

“Let’s just wait and see,” Anne said, not giving up on the idea. 

“Alright”, Gemma clapped getting everyone’s attention and drawing the conversation away from twin telepathy. “it’s party game time, I need everyone to come over here, we’re about to name a baby!” 

The whole party gathered around the table that Gemma had set up, that was covered in onesies to decorate, a jar full of name suggestions, and some baby themed cupcakes and biscuits.

“Harry, Pop and Em, you get to sit here, right in front of everyone and take these red and green paddles. if you like the name, show us the green side, if you don’t, show us the red. You’re adults you probably could have worked that out for yourselves but anyway...” Gemma laughed 

“Thanks Gem,” Harry said sarcastically as he sat down where he was told to

 “Hey, it’s not my fault you can’t name your own child!” 

“We’ve named one of them...” Poppy said defensively.  

“You have,” Gemma said, “which brings me to the point that these are girls names only, since Baby Boy has been named.” 

 The pain in Poppy’s back returned, sharper than ever just as she sat down. She winced, while she waited for it to subside again, and tuned the rest of the conversation out.

  Breathe. 

That’s all she had to do right now. 

A few big breaths and it will all go away.

  But it didn’t and when Gemma started rambling about the ridiculous names that everyone had put in the jar, Poppy took the opportunity to tell Harry. 

“Harry,” she whispered leaning over so that only he could hear, “I think I need to go to the hospital...” 

His eyes widened, “What’s wrong?” 

“I think the back pain is contractions.” 

He nodded,  already springing into action -“Are we being subtle about leaving? Or are we just going?”

“I think we just need to go” Poppy said breathlessly, another wave of pain taking over her body. 

Harry stood up and laughed nervously, as everyone stopped talking and looked at him. “Poppy might be in labour...” he announced running his fingers through his hair “We’re going to go to the hospital.” 

At that moment everyone ran over to crowd Poppy, which only made her feel worse. 

“Are you having contractions?” Emily asked

“Back pain,” Poppy said through gritted teeth “it’s sharp and it comes and goes every few minutes.” 

“That sounds like early labour,” Em nodded “Have you had any bleeding?”

“No,” Poppy shook her head.

“That’s good,” Em smiled “That means your mucus plug is still ok.”

Peter and his husband scrunched their noses at the thought of a mucus plug. 

“What does that mean?” Anne asked, voice filled with concern.

“It means the doctors have a better chance of stopping it. “Ok we should go then,” Harry said immediately. 

 London traffic had never felt slower. They were barely out of their street before they were stopped and it took them five minutes to get to the main road that led to the hospital, which usually only took them 2. Poppy took the extra time to call their doctor and let her know that they were going to the hospital but even after that they were still 10 minutes away.

 “Harry,” Poppy sighed. “I’m scared,”  her voice broke a little as she admitted how she was feeling. 

“Me too, Pop.” He grabbed onto her hand and squeezed it tight before bringing it up to his lips and placing a gentle kiss to it, “We’re going to be ok Pop.” 

“She doesn’t even have a name yet!”

“She doesn’t need one,” Harry said optimiscally. “Her due date isn’t for another three months.” 

“Harry, I don’t carry babies to term, her due date could very well be today!” 

“They stopped it with Oli”, Harry said, turning his head towards her. “There’s nothing to say they won’t be able to stop it this time.” 

“I was 28 weeks with Oli”, she sighed “I’m only 27 this time.” 

“28 tomorrow,” Harry added, 

“One day does make a difference H”. 

“I know it does”, he sighed “But I’m trying to stop myself from thinking about what might happen if she arrives today. Let’s try and stay positive until we know more, ok?” 

“OK.” Poppy nodded, that’s what she loved the most about Harry. He always looked at the bright side, sometimes to a fault, but today he was right, there was a chance that their little girl might arrive today, but there was an equal chance that she wouldn’t, and why not focus on that?

 They pulled into the hospital driveway and Harry headed straight for the underground parking. 

“Wait,” he said just before he got a ticket “are you going to be able to walk there if I park down here? Or do you want me to park near the entrance?” 

“Harry’s it’s 1pm,” Poppy said reasonably, “There won’t be any parking up there, I’ll be fine to walk.” 

“I can go up and get you a wheelchair,” he said, driving the car down the ramp 

“I can walk H, I just want to get in there.” 

“OK,” he said calmly, pulling into a free space and turning the car off. “Let’s go then.” 

 They entered A&E to chaos. The waiting room was filled with ill and injured people and Poppy felt a bit out of place until another wave of pain took over her while they waited in the queue to check in. 

She squeezed Harry’s hand in an attempt to ease the pain and he asked her if she needed to sit down

“No, I’m OK,” she said, gritting her teeth, “I  just want to talk to the nurse.” 

 “What brings you to A&E today my dear?” The nurse asked as they stepped up to the counter 

“I think I’m in labour...”  Poppy said 

“How far along are you?” 

“27 Weeks” 

The nurse waved nonchalantly, “It’s probably just Braxton Hicks contractions dear, go home and rest”.

Poppy took a deep breath, not caring as her voice rose in volume, “This is a high risk pregnancy, I went into labour early with my son, and I lost a baby from early labour last year. This is not Braxton Hicks!”

The nurse looked stunned “OK. I’ll call the maternity ward and have one of the midwives come down and assess you. Take a seat.” 

 “Old Cow,” Poppy muttered to Harry as they took their seats. Harry giggled, “hey hey hey, treat people with kindness now Pop.” “I will when I’m not in labour” she half laughed and half winced at the pain of another contraction. 

 They didn’t have to wait long, only 10 minutes passed before a midwife came rushing in calling Poppy’s name. They were taken into one of the small examination rooms in A&E to be assessed before they could be admitted to the maternity ward. “How long ago did the pain start?” 

“I had a dull ache in my back yesterday afternoon and this morning it turned it to sharp pains every so often,” Poppy said 

“And have your waters broken?” 

“No,” Poppy shook her head 

“Good,” the midwife replied with a smile “any bleeding?”

“No.” 

“Great,” she was taking notes on her clipboard 

“Did you bring your pregnancy notes with you?” 

Poppy looked towards Harry who had been holding them under his armpit the whole time. 

“They’re here,” he said handing them to the midwife, who blushed when he smiled at her. 

“So this isn’t the first time you’ve gone into labour in the second trimester?” 

“No,” Poppy shook her head “It’s the third...” 

“OK, well we’ll do a quick exam, see where your cervix is at and go from there, but I’d say given your history we’ll be admitting you. I’ll get you a gown so we can go ahead,” the midwife left the room

“She doesn’t seem too worried,” Harry said 

“She doesn’t seem not worried,” Poppy countered. “She thinks I am in labour.” 

“We knew that though,” Harry placed a kiss on Poppy’s forehead “I think we’re here early enough to stop it.” 

“I hope -” 

The midwife walked back in and handed Poppy the gown -  “Put this on and lay down on that bed just there. I’ll be back in a few minutes. Dad you can stay or if you’re squeamish you can go back out to the waiting room.” 

“I’ve seen it all before,” Harry smiled referring to the examination that was about to happen although he was sure the midwife thought he meant something else because she started blushing again as she walked out of the room. 

“Someone’s got a secret admirer!” Poppy said as she unbuttoned her jeans 

“It’s not very secret,” Harry added 

“Either she’s in love with you, or she’s feeling weird about having to look at Harry Styles wife’s vagina!” 

“Maybe both,” he shrugged. 

Poppy pulled the gown on and laid down on the table like she was asked and a knock came on the door, right on cue. Harry sat down in the chair next to Poppy head and grabbed hold of her hand. 

“Alright, I’ll make this quick,” the midwife said, pulling on a pair of gloves as Poppy winced her way through another contraction. Poppy hated this part, not only was it uncomfortable, but for the next few minutes she didn’t know what was going to happen. Maybe it was just Braxton Hicks contractions and everything was going to be ok, or maybe she’d meet her baby girl today and spend the next few months in the hospital with her.

  Or maybe they’d also be saying goodbye to their little girl today. 

 “You’re only 1cm dilated,” the midwife finally said after what felt like hours. “Normally I’d send you home and tell you to come back if the pain gets worse, but given your history, I’ll admit you and we’ll do a few more tests and go from there. We’ll also give your doctor a call and let her know you’re here.” 

 An hour later they found themselves in a private room in the maternity ward. An ultrasound had shown the baby had dropped into the right position for birth, and now the shape of Poppy’s uterus was affecting her growth. Now they were nervously waiting for Dr Marshall to come in and tell them that she could somehow work some magic and fix the problem. They waited in silence. Poppy stared at the wall wondering what on earth could have made this happen and Harry sat on his phone, texting Anne and Gemma. 

 H: Poppy has been admitted, baby girl has dropped, waiting to see the doctor for more info. How is Oli?” 

 A: Praying for good news xxx. Oli is OK, he keeps asking where you went… What should I tell him? 

 G: Has anyone told Addie yet?

 H: You can tell Oli that we’ve come to the hospital to make sure the baby is ok, and I’ll be home with him as soon as I can. We haven’t told Addie yet, I’ll wait until we know a bit more, don’t want her thinking she needs to jump on a train from Bath if everything is ok.

A: Good idea. Em and her family left about half an hour ago, they said to let them know if you need anything.

 H: They’re very sweet, I’ll send Em a message and let her know what’s going on. I’ll try and be home for Oli’s bedtime and then I’ll come back to stay here with Pop

 Dr Marshall was surprisingly fast, Harry and Poppy had been expecting her to take hours, but it was only about 20 minutes after they got to their room that she popped her head around the corner. 

“How are we doing?, she asked, picking up Poppy’s chart. “contractions every 10 minutes still?” 

“About that,” Poppy nodded .

“So what we’re going to try and do is get Baby to turn back around.” 

“How do we do that?” Poppy asked, confused. 

“Well, if you were more than 1cm dilated we’d do it the simple way, but since you’re not, we’ll try a massage on your belly, we usually do this when a baby is breach, I’ve only done it once or twice for this situation, but it’s a simple procedure, I promise.” 

“That sounds much more pleasant than the other way,” Poppy laughed nervously 

“It is,” nodded Dr Marshall with a smile.“We’re also going to give you a shot of progesterone to try and put a stop to those contractions.” 

“That sounds lovely too,” Poppy half smiled 

“And you know this means you’ll be on strict bed rest until you give birth?” Dr Marshall said sternly raising her eyebrows. 

“Do I have to stay here?” 

Dr Marshall thought for a moment “No,” she hesitated “I’ll let you go home to your little one, but I need you to promise that you’ll be taking it easy” 

“I’ll make sure of that”, Harry said a stern look falling onto his face too. 

“Good,” the doctor smiled “You’ll be here a day or two while we make sure the labour has stopped and we get Baby Girl turned around.”  

Poppy and Harry both nodded 

“I’ll order that injection now and once those contractions stop we’ll start the massage.” She put Poppy’s chart down at the end of her bed and turned to leave the room.“Thank you,” Harry and Poppy both called after her .

 Once she was gone Harry placed a kiss onto Poppy’s forehead and breathed a sigh of relief “This is good,” he said 

“I have a name” Poppy said quietly 

Harry sat down on the bed next to her “Hmm” he cooed “I’m listening” 

“Florence Anne...” 

Harry nodded. “It’s beautiful. Florence, Oscar and Oliver,” he sighed “I like it” 

“Flori, Ossie and Oli,” Poppy said. “For short.” 

“And Violet,” Harry added 

“Always.” 

[poweredbydietcoke]

Favorite books of 2020

This is normally a January or February thing...last year it was November, so May seems fitting in 2021. You can find the last few years here and here...

2020 book totals: 23 audio books 14 Kindle books 10 tree books

47 books total

I shifted a lot more of my reading this year to audiobooks, which I think is a combination of the baby (a lot of time that I could use my ears, but not my hands), more ranch work (got a nice set of ISOTunes bluetooth ear protection for running saws etc), and more solo travel time during the pandemic. I also read a lot more tree books, mostly as a result of some out-of-print titles and some baby-related gifts. And overall my reading dropped a bit, unsurprisingly.

[Reminder: these are all affiliate links, and it all goes to charity at the end of the year]

How to Have Your Second Child First: 100 Things That Would Have Been Good to Know--The First Time Around by Kerry Colburn and Rob Sorenson

When I told Bryan that we were expecting our first child, he insisted I read this book. It was fantastic, as far as parenting goes (targeted audience, obviously). But the basic message is chill out, it's going to be fine. Think about how many people do this multiple times. And all of the things you worry about for the first kid, like making it perfectly quiet for them to sleep aren't going to be possible for the second kid, so why don't you just treat the first kid the same way--it makes everybody more flexible. We've tried to put a lot of this to work with Cooper and at least so far is making our lives easier. No promises how he turns out yet. :)

Age of Ambition, Chasing Fortune in China by Evan Osnos

I’m pretty sure Scott Cannon recommended this to me a while back, I think after some of his time in China, and I really enjoyed it. I've been trying to read and understand a lot more about China these days for obvious reasons. I've started reading Sinocism by Bill Bishop. It's a lot, you have to skim it every day, or just disregard it some days, but it's got a lot of really interesting insight (at least to me) on how China is operating these days. At least I'm trying to build some sort of understanding because it feels as if it's going to be important at some point in our lives. The highlights of this book, for me, were probably starting to understand some of what are apparent contradictions in the dynamism of the entrepreneurial economy there combined with pretty aggressive state control. Sort of the way that the party is different from the state but isn't in many ways; it’s often the same thing “functionally,” at least as I understand it. The other interesting takeaway was the total aversion to a loss of control and the single overarching directive that seems to grip the party, which is no social unrest. I also read China’s Vision of Victory this year, but Age of Ambition was a better read. I’m currently working on Blockchain Chicken Farm, and while the title is better, Age of Ambition still comes out on top.

Expecting Better by Emily Oster

Love this book, and the second book by the same author, called Crib Sheet. This was given to us when we told some close friends that we were expecting and they said “Oh, this woman we worked with at University of Chicago (she's now at Cornell, I believe), wrote these books and they're very scientific, data-driven books on pregnancy,” which obviously appeal to both Lizzie and I. This one was great because it goes into the research and the studies on things like can you drink alcohol during pregnancy or not? What do you think about sort of deli meats vs sushi vs whatever in terms of how it's going to affect the baby? How much should you worry about different prenatal tests, which are the really important ones, which are the ones that have a lot of false positives, and so on. I highly, highly recommend this and in fact, have sent it to a number of friends who are now expecting kids. It really simplifies things in terms of what you need to worry about and not.

Honeybee Democracy by Thomas D. Seeley

I don't remember who recommended this, but I absolutely loved this book. It's a really fascinating (if pretty in-depth) overview of the science on honeybees. Obviously, part of this is appealing to me because Lizzie keeps honey bees here at the ranch. And we love their honey and love learning about them and seeing them in operation. But the thing that just blew me away about this book, in addition to just the detail on the explanations of how these things actually work, was how they did the study design. They would find a big offshore island that had no bees on it and actually go out and do these experiments in a “pristine” environment. Eg how did the bees decide where to set up their new hive? How did they lead or follow a swarm or anything else? And it was just brilliant...as an example, they figured out that bees like to establish hives of a certain volume, not too big, not too small. And so how do honeybees measure volume? It turns out that there are two measurements they frequently do: one is they walk around the circumference of the potential hive site, and two is they fly across it and kind of measure their flight time. And so somebody actually went to prove this and built a hive they had a “treadmill” on one wall, that they could speed up or slow down to change the perceived volume, and that did in fact change which hives were chosen by the bees. Really, really amazing book!

Educated by Tara Westover

Lizzie read this first and really loved it, and has been on my list for a little while. I finally read it and thought it was fascinating. This single story of a woman who's raised in, I think, Idaho in a very Mormon community. Fundamentalist and very conspiratorial/out there on the fringe family. And she ends up going to BYU and then studying in London and doing a bunch of stuff that kind of breaks the mold. But she talks about it as kind of an escape, and rationalizing/understanding how her parents shaped her and both the positives and negatives. One of the biggest things that was interesting to me was, and I've heard it in many ways, but this passage stuck with me: at some point, she made a little bit of money, maybe $1,000 in a single chunk rather than getting paid for a day of work. And she made the point that all of a sudden she'd never felt like that before, because she didn't have to worry minute to minute about where the money was and was going and whatever. Just an interesting reminder of the costs of all these things that many of us are lucky enough not to think about at that level. Year by year, sure, but day by day or minute by minute is a different thing.

Fire on the Mountain: The True Story of the South Canyon Fire by John N. Maclean

I think this one was recommended by Zuni, one of our neighbors. It was another post fire disaster investigation, this time for a fire in Colorado that ended up turning and claiming the lives of a bunch of Hot Shots and Smokejumpers. It was a really well researched book, very descriptive, pretty fast moving, not excruciatingly detailed, but a little bit overly detailed unless you understand this stuff, which I don't claim to. But worth reading if you live in a wildfire zone, as many of us do these days!

The Haywire Heart by Chris Case

Mark Gainey recommended this to me. It’s about how endurance athletes can develop heart conditions, from training so hard and bringing their hearts to such an unusual level in different ways, and the various arrhythmias that come from it. Also how blood pressure can be off because your heart gets so strong at pumping during anaerobic exercise, develops really strong muscles, and then your heart rate goes way too low when you’re resting/sleeping and then loses rhythm. Really interesting. I listened to it in an audio book, which wasn't quite the right format for it because you have to be really paying attention to some of the science. But it was fascinating and made me a little more thoughtful about paying attention to heart rate monitors as I get older.  

Twelve hours' sleep by 12 weeks old by Suzy Giordano

A couple of people recommended this to me, Rick Morrison and Ashley Carroll were the ones that I remembered. For us it was the canonical sleep training book. It was really interesting and really good, but I don't think it works for everybody (seemingly different things work for different people, especially per Emily Oster’s research). But this is how we ended up getting Cooper to sleep well (he was largely sleeping through the night by 8 weeks, but I think that was mostly him and not us). Most of it is simply structured feeding and making sure that you can extend the time between feedings so that they can sleep longer periods of time without being really hungry. There are a bunch of really easy summaries on the web of, and the book itself was pretty tedious. I listened to it on Audible on my bike, and the number of examples like “every four hours, eg, 8a, 12p, 4p, 8p” ... I can do the math, thanks. But the method was two pages and really good. Obviously, again, doesn't matter if you don't have an infant.

My heart is Africa by Scott Griffin

Dennis Pilarinos recommended this book about a Canadian Doctor who goes and flies through Africa in his Cessna 185 (and even more adventurously, he actually flies it *to* Africa from Canada and back). Really cool fun book, some crazy stories like the usual kind of bush plane drama. Only available in paperback. I did order it somewhere random, but it was totally worth reading. Super fast and fun blending aid to Africa with flying and totally worth it. Very, very quick read but great for pilots.

The Billion Dollar Spy by David Hoffman

Alex Yakubovich recommended this to me and as always, his book recommendations are fantastic. This one was about Oleg Tolkachev and his work with the CIA while the Cold War was still going on. And all this crazy interesting information he passed and why he did it. And it was fun. It was like a spy novel that was real and exciting, but not over the top James Bond style.

Flatland by Edward Abbott Abbott

This was actually recommended by Sonia Wong at Sequoia in an interview I read with her. It's really quick and interesting, basically a story about living in two dimensions and trying to understand three- and one-dimensional worlds. How do you think about dimensionality, represented by the rules of these different, theoretical societies, if you will, that live in one or two dimensions. It's hard to describe well, but it was a really fun, interesting book, a very quick read. Even fully understanding the math of N space it was still really entertaining. I don't know if it'd be a good or bad thing for a kid to read, probably pretty good for a mathematically inclined kid. Really interesting.

The Storm Before the Calm by George Friedman

I read a lot of his work through Geopolitical Futures. I find it really interesting, just as an intellectual pursuit of understanding how the world works and how countries interact on a geopolitical level. And I've always thought his analysis is pretty insightful. He's a Polish immigrant to the United States, and a huge “patriot” in the unfortunately anachronistic sense. He writes about the four cycles he sees in US politics (institutional and socioeconomic, most importantly). And his primary argument is that in the 2020s, they're all going to end at the same time. And usually, when one of them ends, there's a little bit of pain and dislocation in the US. Historically, the US grew stronger out of it. It can grow, or it can obviously implode and cause a revolution. He thinks it'll grow stronger, and he thinks it'll largely lead to a decentralization of political power because the United States and its organizations and institutions have gotten way too complex to run centrally. Interesting parallel here to China in terms of the complexity of that organization and country, that's 4x, 5x the size population wise.