#the important info is easily conveyed!!

[mcyt-soulmate-sweepstakes]

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[mychapel-004]

watching people fight over how canon the book of bill is while completely mischaracterising bill is such a strange experience

yes he’s a liar. yes he’s a manipulator. yes he is so distant from any semblance of humanity that he is literally incapable of regret, empathy or remorse, or at least admitting to himself that he feels it.

but he’s also TERRIBLE at it. he’s a total loser. he’s objectively bad at the one task he’s spent lifetimes on. throughout history he attempts to sweet talk many, many different figures into building his portal and it rarely goes down well. multiple civilisations are aware of his existence and the sole reason we know this is because they hated him and invented their own ways of keeping him out. he has been consistently rejected by humanity at every turn, only coming close to completing his goal when he literally possessed a dead man and formed a cult.

ford is the only person who really, truly fell for the act. not just that, but bill didn’t even have to pretend to physically be someone else to get him hooked. ford took him as he was.

all this to say, bill is absolutely a grifter who will say anything to get what he wants, which means a lot of BOB is just sweet talk, carrot and stick, he’s just saying what the reader wants to hear. but that’s not the important bit.

bill is a liar but he wraps the truth up in layers of misdirection, doublespeak and lies. a monster really did destroy his homeworld. him and ford really were going to change the world. he even addresses this in the book, he lies until it becomes the truth. a lot of bill’s characterisation is shown in the gaps between his lies, it’s all in the fault lines, in a similar way to stan. he’s a very meta character, but ultimately he’s still a character and he still behaves in ways that are designed to convey meanings to the audience.

of course he’s lying in the book of bill, but he’s also telling the truth, in addition to bits of info from other sources that he is unable to edit like the theraprism section. it’s fun to have a character who lies a lot, but it would be a pointless exercise to have an entire book be non-canon and false, especially when we get much more interesting character work from the parts where he runs out of lies and his only options are desperate truths.

anyway. people wanting to enjoy canon info in a canon book isn’t just them “being easily manipulated” or stupid, and you aren’t a better fan for not believing it

[writers-potion]

Do you have any tips for deciding whether to use first or third person and present or past tense??

1st vs. 3rd Person | Present vs. Past Tense

1st Person is Best Used When...

The antagonist is abstract/is a psychological barrier that must be overcome

It's easier to weave backstory/info with experience.

Immediacy and toppling high stakes are important for the reader to keep rooting for your MC (like in the case of many fantasy novels)

You have an unreliable narrator.

You struggle to have a consistent tone/perspective. (third person not executed well will easily get confusing)

For literary fiction

3rd Person is Best Used When...

You have multiple MCs, following them more or less equally throughout.

You have freedom to move from wide, establishing views and closed-in views - this is good for conveying the theme.

You find yourself injecting too much of yourself in your writing and wish to prevent this.

You want the reader to view the MC more objectively, sometimes the narrator even offering commentary.

You wish to make use of dramtic irony (the reader knows more than the MC)

Present Tense is Best For...

The majority of novels are written in the past tense, and would be the easier one to execute if you're a first-time writer. However, present tense is certainly not inferior.

It feels like a movie: it allows you to mimic the action and suspense found in film.

It intensifies emotions: it gives the feeling of "we're in this together", the reader experiencing things with the MC side to side.

Works well with Deep POV: Deep POV uses third person narrators like 1st person, sticking with one character's mind for closeness.

Best for short-time-frame stories with constant action.

Works well for unreliable narrators: Since the narrative is so close to the action, it is easy to have a narrator that leaves out details.

However...

Readers can feel "claustrophobic, always pressed up against the immediate" (Philip Pullman quote)

Time shifts can be awkward - you're locked in the present more or less; unless you use flashbacks/dreams (which are disruptive)

It's harder to execute because you need to capture the texture of the present while acknowledging that the past and the future still exist.

It mimics film - you cannot just jump characters, speak directly to the reader or do time skips.

Books written in present tense (and are still good!)

The Hunger Games series

Bleak House by Charles Dickens

Rabbit, Run by John Updike

Ulysses by James Joyce

All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Remarque

Fight Club by Chuck Palhniuk

The White Queen by Philippa Gregroy

Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

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[amerricanartwork]

RW Headcanon: Goodnight, Moon

AHHH YESSSS, now that that Lilypad essay is done I can FINALLY share these—!

Hey, @ghostlycoze! So you remember a few months ago how I made that drawing acting on the Moon beepsnort headcanon, and how in my last reblog I eluded to the possibility of drawing out some of your headcanons again? Well, it looks like that time has come, and this time I've got not just drawings, but lots of additions to another headcanon of yours!

This time, it's from your tags in these three posts, which I also saw a while ago! Yet for some reason I began thinking about it again recently, and as is my nature with ideas I like, I decided to develop it further, and even draw it this time!

Also, just to preface, you'll see I did a bunch of notes beside the actual drawings as well. I'll share the picture and roughly type out the notes (in case my handwriting is a bit hard to read) as well as whatever info I couldn't fit on the page. Some of the text also just says "robots" rather than "iterators" because some of these ideas are stuff I actually imagine applying to robot characters in general! Maybe I'll make a post on that someday...

With all that out of the way though, the actual headcanon is under the cut! Hope you like it!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

What are iterators like when they’re sleepy? Do they even get “sleepy” the way we humans do? This headcanon answers that question with a focus on the iterators’ puppets. Much of this info is also framed in the context of a hypothetical “worm-off-the-string” scenario, since I believe that’s the main situation where sleep and getting tired would actually matter to the iterators.

Firstly, when iterator puppets are low on power, until they find a place to recharge they usually enter a power-saving state where, to conserve what’s left of it, their energy is temporarily redirected away from some of their less-important processes. The side-effect of this, however, is that iterator puppets show symptoms of drowsiness kinda like humans! Whereas humans may yawn, stretch, or rub their eyes when sleepy, iterators will often make sloppier/less precise movements, close their lenses a little, and may even have a harder time thinking, since they sometimes shut off some processors and other cognitive functions until they can recharge. The most common symptom, however, is slurred speech, coming from less power given to their speech-forming software.

Another very-common sign of iterator sleepiness is frequent beeping, often in place of words. This is because, like slurred speech, beeps take much less energy and processing to make than analyzing data, formulating a complex response, then vocalizing it clearly. Beeps are thus far more efficient for conveying simple emotions and reactions than words. Looks to the Moon in particular gets super beepy when she’s tired because she and other early models relied more on beeps for communication — they were made back when things like vivid emotion weren’t as taboo in Ancient society, and iterators were meant to be more friendly and openly interactive with their citizens — so she’s more used to beeping to easily express her emotions. 

As a side-note and mini-headcanon (wow, real headcanon-layering action here), while even the newest iterator puppets can beep, the older iterator models, as a result of this design influence, also have a much greater “beep-vocabulary” with a wider range of sounds that shrunk with the generations. Their beeps are thus a lot more expressive as well, with some sounds even being similar in nature to animal noises or regular speech! I imagine the entire range of their beeps would closely resemble shorter versions of the “droidspeak” sounds of the astromechs in Star Wars.

But, back to sleepy iterators. 

When it’s hibernation time, iterators enter a “sleep-mode”, where almost all of their systems are shut down and recharging becomes the primary objective. However, compared to how I imagine other robots, iterator puppets have a unique way of recharging. Rather than shutting off completely and absorbing power from an external source, iterator puppets have a few key systems within them that remain on even during sleep-mode. These systems, just like those in their superstructures, are capable of converting nutrients into power directly. They emit a soft, rather comforting whirr while the puppets sleep — the only sound iterators make while sleeping, and comparable in nature to stomach sounds during digestion. Otherwise, though, the only other systems remaining on during sleep-mode are a few basic senses, and a program that decides when to “wake up”. The presence of this program also means, uniquely to iterators again, they can wake up on their own, rather than having to be powered back on by someone else like other robots. Overall, these systems are yet another aspect of iterator designs that make them far more biological than many iterators (*cough* *cough* Pebbles *cough*) would like to admit.  And in my imaginings of a “worm-off-the-string” AU, systems like these are one of the main sources of both physical and internal conflict for these characters.

Also, since most of their systems are off during sleep mode, iterators sleep, both figuratively and literally, like statues. Whatever position they fall asleep in is the position they remain in the entire time unless a.) someone moves them or b.) they wake up and move on their own. This also means (unfortunately, if you thought these ideas would be cute) that iterators do not snore, shift around, sleepwalk, sleep-talk, or dream while in sleep mode.

That’s about it for this headcanon as it applies to iterator puppets overall. Now, I’m gonna get into how I imagine Looks to the Moon specifically likes to sleep.

In addition to getting very beepy, Moon also gets very cuddly when sleepy, though some of this comes from her affectionate personality. However, it's also due to a lasting trauma from her collapse. Of course she's learned to tolerate the rain over time, yet after spending so many cycles being rapidly drowned over and over in her can — with endless disorientation and senses so out-of-control from being disconnected from most of her superstructure, no one around to comfort her save for the occasional wandering creature, and the knowledge that her own beloved brother was responsible for this — it’s still left a fair amount of bad memories with her, especially from those cycles most recently after her collapse/revival, and this general unease often resurfaces with the sound of the rain. Therefore, whenever the rain comes, this trauma serves as another, more internal reason Looks to the Moon always wants to fall asleep holding onto/being held by someone, or at the very least while sharing the shelter with someone she loves. 

On a more positive note, since I’m now officially a Lilypad shipper, I imagine that No Significant Harassment is Moon’s default choice of cuddling partner! It can be a little hard to get in position — I imagine Moon always likes to be the little spoon despite her being slightly taller than him — but they manage! Moon pretty much always falls asleep first, because, as the oldest model of the group, and having sustained the most damage post-collapse on top of that, she simply doesn’t use power as efficiently as the others do and therefore gets tired much more easily. In some ways, the poor thing even feels a little guilty about it; she’s supposed to be the leader of this group, and yet here she is, tiring out after less travel and growing drowsy before the rain even starts! Luckily, Sig makes an effort to ensure her she’s more-than worth keeping around, because after every awful thing the world has thrown at her kindness, the least she deserves is some quality guilt-free nap time! And sometimes, if they want a little alone-time (or if Pebbles gets too fed-up with their lovey-dovey gestures), it’ll be just the two of them, and perhaps their slugcats, cuddling together in the shelter. 

And speaking of slugcats, Moon’s second choice of cuddles is Rivulet! Being very soft, warm, and equally cuddly, she makes another good source of cuddles for Moon. And sometimes, if Hunter’s also around and willing, the two join forces with Sig and Hunter for a big, soft, cuddle-filled slumber party!

Still, though, Sig is definitely no. 1 provider of snuggles for Moon. But he loves her dearly, so for the most part he doesn’t mind! Since she falls asleep first, some of his favorite moments each cycle are from just watching her and holding her close as the rainfall echoes from outside; she always looks so beautiful when she’s relaxed, and having her in his arms makes him feel like he can protect her no matter what. So he never really minds when Moon, slurring her words, tiredly asks for him to hold her while she enters sleep mode. 

That is, except when this happens and he’s stuck in that spot for the next several hours…

A few more ideas to this headcanon:

Moon’s third choice of cuddles is Five Pebbles. It’s a bit interesting, because in basically all other scenarios Pebbles insists on sleeping alone in a separate shelter, even though he’s actually rather touch-starved (though it'll be a while before he admits it). Moon is one of the only people he’s actually willing to sleep with, besides occasionally Artificer (in which the feeling is mutual and no one else must be in the room). If I someday decide to ship Pebbles with someone, I imagine he’d also be willing to sleep with them, again, only if no one else is around to see it.

To elaborate on the last point and shift to Five Pebbles’ perspective, the reason why Pebbles always wants to sleep alone is because, as I imagine the worm-off-the-string story so far, Pebbles’ biggest internal conflicts are learning to accept all those “worldly attachments” the Ancients so strongly rejected, and overcoming his god-complex and fear of relying on others. And one of the main ways this manifests is him being so deeply embarrassed to be dealing with these basic survival needs — like yet another one of the savage beasts roaming the world, after having been a vast mechanical god so far above those primitive creatures — that he refuses to let others, even his friends and family, observe him in such a “pitiful” state whenever possible, and resolves to try and overcome it alone. 

To further continue this idea, this is why Moon sometimes insists on sleeping with him. Even though he’ll have to overcome these conflicts on his own, it doesn’t mean he has to be alone while he does it. She makes an effort during these and other moments in this scenario to assure him that it’s okay, no one’s gonna judge or punish him for living this way, and she’ll always be there if he ever decides to accept some help. Pebbles always falls asleep with his head buried in her chest and holding onto her very tightly.

The iterators often like to sleep with their slugcats, who in the AU also stick around a lot to help guide them as they figure out the ins-and-outs of organic survival. 

Both Moon and Pebbles tend to sleep in a curled position. It's actually very similar to how slugcats generally sleep!

Pebbles is quite the workaholic in general, but it also means he has a hard time falling asleep — not because he doesn’t get sleepy, but rather that he often denies it or its significance in an attempt to get more done that cycle (and because, again, he’s “too advanced” for animalistic things like sleeping). The group often has to literally drag him to bed to get him to sleep, and Sig often teases him when his lenses start drooping and his syllables begin to stretch.

In extreme cases, where almost all of their power has been exhausted, iterators won't just slur their words anymore, but their speech will often lose coherency overall, like a spoken case of very drunk typing .

When sleepy, Moon not only slurs her words, but has a tendency to say rather strange and very silly things. It’s another side-effect of less power being used to actually think through her words. There have been many instances where the whole group erupted in laughter after Moon made a really out-of-left-field comment!

Oh, and here's one last quick doodle based off one of the ones above:

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Aaaand that's all for another headcanon! Even though it took me a whole week to do the drawings, it was SO fun getting to develop this idea, especially since sleepy Moonie is such a cute concept! I am so glad that you shared that little idea, Ghost!!

And speaking of which, if you've made it all the way down here, Ghost, may I invite you to add any more ideas to all this, if you want? I'd especially love hearing ideas for the other iterators' sleeping habits (how fast they get tired, what position they like to sleep in, who they usually sleep with, how they wind down before bed, etc.)! I mainly focused on Moon and a bit of Pebbles at the end, since I'm still trying to get a read on Sig and Suns's personalities (especially Suns), so it'd be fun to even further expand on this idea in that regard! Of course, you don't have to, but it's a proposition!

But regardless, I hope you and anyone else who made it to the bottom enjoyed my contributions to the idea! And be sure to keep the adorable headcanon ideas coming!!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Bonus: Here are the full sketchbook pages, in case anyone was interested in seeing the completed layout! I think I'm gonna be making more of these kinds of drawing/explanation combo artworks!3

[robby-bobby-tommy]

Okay, I'm obsessed with the lore.... So here's some of me theories/stuff I've noticed. It's gonna be rambling in it's worst, cuz I'm way too excited.

Firstly, let's welcome Madagio! I don't know what's up with him, but here's some info we know:

- he's from some island who is connected to Quesadilla through some system.

- he can travel through servers.

- cats are his eyes and ears.

So with this out of the way, here's some of my thoughts.

- Body language -

Honestly, it's not something important, but I really love how cc! Fit uses body language to convey his character. q! Fit doesn't sprint much, cuz he knows one misjudged step, one unnoticed trap and he's dead. He looks around, afraid of every lighting, every strange noise. He looks at cats cuz how are they even here, if not every person can survive here?

Madagio himself very reserved. He doesn't move much, showing us a difference between him and Fit.

- Roses -

Boy oh boy, do I have something to say. Despite obvious connections to Pac, recently there was another moment with exactly this kind of roses. At Philza's stream on 29th of December, at one point Ramon came to Titan and started to give away these rose bushes to some eggs and Phil. It might be a stretch, but it was very strange. Ramon explained that he gave away the roses, cuz he saw one in Chayanne's arm. But with this added context, I think Ramon's admin kinda hinted at this rule. Like the rose bush is a symbol of connection and love/trust. Fit loves and trusts Pac, Ramon, Chay and Lullah, and Phil too. I might be insane, but I adore this kind of symbolism. The roses show us who he has connections to. And now we understand what's at stake for Fit.

It's not only Ramon, who's in danger. Phil, his kids and Pac (probs Tubbo and Sunny too, but they didn't get roses) are also in the middle of crossfire. Madagio knew that it's in human nature for us to connect and getting attached to others even if told otherwise. Contractor knew that Fit won't be able to cheat or escape the deal, cuz he knew the veteran will have a lot at stake. He made this contract unavoidable. I love it sm.

- Music -

Since my post about Fit and his tragedy, I believe that a lot of decisions made about videos/lore streams are intentional. Like, back in a day, when we saw first dream, we heard "Étranger au Paradise" ("Stranger in Paradise "). And this song like fits Fit (pun not intended) like a friggin glove. Cuz even still, Fit feels like a stranger, undeserving this the heaven that is Quesadilla island. For example literally today he said smt along the lines of "What did I do to deserve a son like him[Ramon]?". He loves people around him, yet he can't show it, when everyone does it quite easily. I think Stranger in Paradise can be seen also in light of relationships. Like Fit considers Pac better, he loves him, but doesn't deserve his love. Agh

So why am I saying this? Well, you see. Cc! Fit uses a few songs to use before cinematic. And today he used "We'll meet again". And there's no connection, right? But what if it's a hint to contractor? Fit'll have to meet Madagio. Veteran has no idea when or where. But he knows they'll meet again some sunny day. Like, mb it's a stretch, but I really enjoy finding this connections. To this point cc! Fit was very intentional, so mb I have something here.

- Mon Dieu éternel, je te prie -

(sorry for probably butchering it, but anyway)

Well, now I have the most unimpressive and obvious theory, that leads to more interesting one.

During this stream it wasn't confirmed that contractor is a god, but there are a lot of hints. His name being an anagram to "I am a God" (Thank you, Tumblr user, who noticed it), he can't be hury, but is able to travel through the servers, and his first words to Fit are literally a rephrased "be not afraid", that is usually connected to angels.

Also his unusual connection to cats, that are his "extensions" Doesn't seem humain at all. Yet it isn't confirmed so idk.

Now, Black Concrete is closely tied to Cucurevil and can have bad effect on a person. The only people, who interacted with it and weren't affected at all, were Fit and Philza. Why? What if it's because they're protected by Gods? Like, fitza have a lot parallels in their lore, and mb it also hints at devine nature of Madagio? Rose protects Phil and his close ones out of kindness (I guess) and sends birds to cheer up her protège or show her support. Madagio literally does the same thing. But he sends cats not to show support, but to remind that he is always there, he sees and hears everything. Does it prove my theory? No, I guess. But it gives smt to think about.

- End -

At the end we see Fit waking up (smt that we've never seen before) and sees a cat. They look each other in the eyes and veteran convulsively shakes his head, refusing to something implied. Now, I'll be honest, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, and I didn't really understand what he refused to? Was he saying he didn't need contractor's help? Idk. And this whole montage of moon, cat, and Madagio is very interesting, but I can't put my finger on it.

After browsing for a literal second, I have some ideas. Moon typically represents the rhythm of time, as it symbolizes the cycle. So maybe Contractor reminds Fit how little time he has. Like, time's running out. Cats, though, have a lot of different meanings, but I guess the most important to this case are freedom and mystery. Madagio is free and mysterious, so ig it fits.

- And just my thoughts ig -

God, i loved it so much. Fit's lore is subtle yet very important and interesting. It shows a character and builds on it so much, while explaining the world itself. Guuugh I love it so much.

And here's just some screens that shows how much Fit has grown.

He is no longer doing everything for himself only. Now he cares for others, breaking a simple rule made by contractor.

P. S.

I feel like this picture rn

[circlejourney]

How I plan my writing, and then write it: Part 1 of 2

So, ignore the image for now (but not really). I thought it would be funny to start with this visualisation. This chart is specifically about 2 of my stories: Revolving Door and Of the Dragon of the Stars. Both of these novels are in the scale of 300k words or more, so naturally, the ideation and writing process are a bit of a Mess. But before actually going into detail about this "clusterfuck" genre of novel, let me talk at length about my process for shorter novels first.

A few things make Eagles and Swans (the one about an orphaned rebel and the unrest in her country as a banished goddess awakens) and Offshore (the one about two sailors making their last attempt at the most coveted offshore racing trophy in the world) much tamer than the earlier two. First, they follow the points-of-view of just 1-2 characters. Second, they each take place within the confines of a single country / polity, for the most part. Third, the plot events are conveyed in chronological order.

Each important POV character effectively adds an additional story that's being written in parallel. Juggling multiple characters arcs, ordering nonlinear timelines in a way that conveys info in an effective order, AND developing an expansive world, all balloon the story scope. So, thank goodness for stories that require none of the above.

Overall process

I write in three passes, as signified by the three shades of grey in the chart above:

a brief bullet-point outline of the whole story + character summaries

a detailed outline that fleshes out the first outline into a series of chapter hooks / summaries.

the actual novel, first draft.

editing - improving flow and coherence, fixing "telling not showing" etc.

Each stage takes what was in the previous stage and fleshes it out with more detail and more attention to the eventual audience.

Barebones outline

The first pass, for me, is a "thin" outline of major events and major characters' emotional states. It isn't subdivided into sections yet—what I'm really aiming to do is lay out the shape of the story and the rough order of events. A little sample:

Anqien and Jinai prepare for the race in a month's time, the Niro Helfi Race. We are introduced to it through a conversation between the two and/or maybe training or an event for invitees? This race is the biggest in the business! It's a 2000km route in 3 legs Establish that the two MCs are very (almost scarily) skilled, world-class sailors, and simply seem to be underperforming due to unaddressed issues. Internal conflicts established. General structure: ABAB with sailing/non-sailing content

For E&S I actually did this in calendar format, so that I could track the progress of the plot against their school calendar (as well as ensuring that enough time passed between plot events to make it feel like things were developing in the background).

Chapter outline

In the second pass, the outline above gets fleshed out into a backbone of distinct chapters. Not ALL the chapters, only the chapters that need to happen.

At this point I describe 1-2 important events per chapter (except the really important chapters, which get more detailed outlines). What's more important are the characters' takeaways at the end of each chapter - what they learn, or how their feelings evolve. Example (mild spoilers for Offshore):

A bad training day (idk they fall off the yacht from 5m in the air or damage some gear?), we get to see Jinai's stress and resignation and Anqien trying to be positive but visibly affected. The coach gives them an earful about recovery from mistakes They later discuss this and Jinai admits her biggest flaw is giving up too easily. Slice-of-life kind of scene where they go do something stupid/reckless to unwind, and maybe get in trouble

Idea bank

In parallel, I maintain a bank of loose plot points that I would LIKE to include, except I'm not sure where yet. In Offshore, I called them "filler episodes":

Episode: A bit of background about what they do between training Episode: A joyride in a boat. they hire a motorboat from the local boating club and are a nuisance in the rich people area and then head out maybe way too far into the open sea.

In E&S, I maintained a bank of "Chekhov's Guns" that I might bring back later in the plot to create a sense of setup/payoff.

Ruth’s key: unlocks anything, currently lives with Tante. Hyder’s power: to disguise anyone as anyone else. Tante’s knife skills: he’d win any knife duel. And he’s got lots of knives. Tanio’s inventory of inventions: there’s bound to be some stuff there that she can use. Tanio’s meat grinder: grinds meat. Hollia’s job and possessions: an aviary full of birds of all species, including eagles, swans and chickens.

When I come to a point in the novel where I think "something needs to happen here that ISN'T the next groundbreaking plot development," I can quickly whip out one of these concepts.

And now, the actual writing

So now I've got a backbone and a bank of modular content, I come to the moment I've been waiting for. It's worth noting that sometimes the outlining continues to happen even when I start to write, but I do really like to have a finished outline before I start writing the actual prose.

A lot of things happen during the course of writing that I absolutely did not plan for, simply because it's where the story takes me—what instinct tells me would work in the moment. The writing process always surprises me like that, and it's a constant reflexive loop of checking in with what sort of scene/chapter I think would make a good follow-up to the current one, how far to take a scene before closing it off, etc.

The outline is like a leash that keeps the story from flying off course and also a scaffold for when I don't know what to do next. I can check what plot point I need to build towards and then start steering the plot gently in that direction. Then the editing pass is when I'll revisit with a critical eye and link ideas together in a coherent flow, look for the most impactful stopping point for each chapter and prune it, etc.

And longer novels?

So my process for longer stories like RD and OTDOTS is really...an expanded version of the above. Except that the detailed outline can often have multiple levels of subdivision (by volume/story arc -> by location if there are events happening simultaneously in different places -> by chapter), and the planning tends to be more regimental since there's a greater need for the story to feel tight and economical, to maintain momentum.

But there's another post's worth of rambling in that topic, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do at this juncture: put that in its own post.

[sumerianlanguage]

Hello! I was wondering if you had any advice for writing a song in Sumerian? I have been writing lyrics for a bit and I have always been interested in ancient languages so I wanted to know how I should get started. I have some ideas swirling around in my mind as the music I have been writing is very soulful.

Hello! What an interesting question - I haven't done any songwriting in Sumerian myself, but I have practiced by translating modern songs into Sumerian, which I think gives a little insight. On my twitch stream we once translated Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen - a song that is not written for easy translation, it turns out! But it taught me many things about the interaction between Sumerian phonology/grammar and lyrical composition.

One thing I've learned is that sentences in Sumerian often use fewer words but more syllables to convey the same information. "I'd trade my soul for a wish" is seven syllables, but it's nearly impossible to convey the same meaning in Sumerian in less than nine: Zinga ashta shu gabalan. So if you write music with a strict syllable plan, prepare to convey less information per line; or to convey the same amount of info, prepare to sing "faster" (i.e. cram more syllables into a line).

Another important issue is that Sumerian sentences always end with a verb. This makes rhyming a different experience than in English - rather than having two "impact nouns" rhyme at the end of the sentence, common in many music genres, you instead have to rhyme the verbs, and often the verb conjugations. (Here's a post about how this functions in Sumerian poetry - I've linked the in-tumblr version since the on-blog version seems to be rendering out of order, and will also reblog it after this post.) Creative liberty with concept structuring can help: "You took your time with the call / I took no time with the fall" is most easily translated by making call and fall function as verbs: Ullabi gu numaden / Annga ullabi shuben "You didn't call me quickly / But I fell quickly", still a slant rhyme but helped by the fact that the first and second person conjugations ("you called", "I fell") often look identical.

Note that we can't rhyme ullabi "quickly" with the second ullabi since they're adverbs and can't end the sentence or clause. Though in my translation of the chorus, I use namga "perhaps" as almost a final exclamation in order to pull it out of the sentence and slant-rhyme with annga "however": Uda muraten / tumidim, annga / shidngu murabban / gu hemaden, namga "I met you today / a wild act, however / I give my number to you. / Call out to me, perhaps!" (Another really useful word in translating pop music is gana "let's go!" or "yeah!", which is an interjection and thus can stand separate from any clause like this.)

And one final tip: Keep your sentences simple! This is both because of the verb-final structure - Sumerian sentences don't "trail off" in the same way they do in English - and because English loves to use helping verbs, weird time-clauses, etc. that you rarely find in Sumerian. One long, languid English sentence is often best matched by several shorter, choppier Sumerian sentences. It's really hard to convey the combo of time-sequence and counterfactual in the phrase "before you came into my life, I missed you so bad", unless you're willing to spend a whole verse of the song to do so, so I ended up just simplifying it to Zae namtila ekur / Ngae namurashen "You entered my life / I wished for you a lot".

I hope that's helpful! Do check out my Sumerian music tag for more, including examples of actual ancient Sumerian lyrics (not to say "Call Me Maybe" isn't timeless and eternal in its own right). And let me know if you have further questions or any translation I can help with!

[pc-box-ghost]

Hi, I'm... Clyde? That's what I go by, now. (Like the orange Pac-Man ghost. It's a fun name.) Don't ask me what my name used to be. I don't remember. Those memories are corrupted now.

I'm some glitchy, eldritch entity... pokémon trainer ghost... thing. It's a long story. Things happened.

A while back I figured out a way to actually communicate with the world again through technology. I recently was gifted a rotom dex to inhabit, so... Soon I'll be even more capable of interacting with the outside world.

Anyways... I collect old, unwanted technology. Computers, pokégear, outdated pokédexes, you name it. I can also fix things if you want... Although, they might not come back quite the same. The glitchiness isn't usually that bad though. I also like to share fun information I sometimes find, or talk about little things that happen here in cyberspace. Mostly because I think it's interesting, and connecting with others is difficult so... my thoughts just get written here, sometimes.

[OOC Info / Trainer card can be found here!]

Hey, thanks for stopping by! This the rotomblr blog of my pokepasta OC. This blog takes place in an AU - mostly cyberspace, and will at times have some horror elements (not all the time, but...). Essentially, due to unforseen, somewhat unfortunate circumstances, this guy's a ghost/entity mostly "trapped" or contained within cyberspace. Thanks to @theblazingexplorer for the nickname for this guy, too. :)

He/they/it pronouns! He's also autistic (as am I, the one who actually runs this blog), so please excuse any miscommunications. Multi-color text is also used a lot to help convey emotions or tones, or sometimes just because it seems correct. General rule, please don't be weird! No NSFW stuff.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:I also only post here when I'm in the correct state to do so... brain's kind of messed up. Apologies in advance for any major breaks in posting. Not exactly in my control, as much as I wish it was.

His Porygon2, Terabyte, runs a blog too at @coolberryfacts

[SIDENOTE: Check out @themissingnumber000 @glitchcitygang, @exchampionst3v3n, and @the-sky-llama for related blogs in the same AU! They're run by either myself (@pyramid-heads-knife) or @cameraclown06! (One of them is run by both of us, but that's beside the point.)]

[TW for death, unreality, etc. This blog uses glitchy/zalgo text on occasion. Multicolor text is also used a lot, mostly to help convey emotions or emphasis.]

[Pelipper mail and all variants are open! Rotom and Porygon mail tend to reach me the most easily. Other forms are typically picked up by Terabyte and brought to me.]

[Magic Anons are not open, and will be ignored.]

Feel free to interact or send asks! He's a friendly ghost, and can be surprisingly talktative!

[Current pokémon]

Terabyte, the Porygon2 - He likes to spread misinformation please be careful

Morris, the Deoxys (Very glitchy though. Deoxys / Q glitchmon hybrid.)

Cinnamon, the Eevee

Frost, the Snorunt

[archduchessofnowhere]

since you've found some of fj's letters to elisabeth, i was wondering: how did he write to her? what kind of tone does he use (affectionate, reserved) and what info does he usually include? like, does he keep her updated on political and economic matters, or is it mostly family stuff? sorry for the flurry of questions! no worries if there aren't enough letters to paint the full picture.

Hi! First of all, we do have a lot of his letters available ever since the fall of the monarchy in 1918. The first collection of Franz Josef’s letters was Franz Joseph I. in seinen Briefen, edited by Dr. Otto Ernst and published in 1924. It got an English translation by Agnes Blake in 1927, and it’s currently available to read for free in the archive. Although this book has a chapter dedicated to Elisabeth, it doesn’t have any letter of the couple, but some of their telegrams.

About the kind of information they conveyed, Ernst was particularly frustrated:

Yet, even here, the true note is absent, for Franz Joseph talks of the weather! Wherever his own journeys might take him, be it to Ofen, or to Gödöllő, on a shooting expedition, or to the manoeuvres, he never omitted to inform his wife — as she flitted restlessly from place to place — whether it was hot or cold, whether it was raining or the sun shining; and, during the winter months, Elisabeth was kept duly posted as to how many degrees of frost were being registered.

And again later on:

(…) is there anything more characteristic of the “perfect gentleman” than this everlasting talk about the weather, what it was like yesterday and what it may be expected to be like to-morrow? Thus the telegrams sent by Franz Joseph when staying at Budapest, or Gödöllő, or on manoeuvres at Jungbunzlau, to his wife sojourning maybe at Tunis, Corfu, Venice, or Paris, are limited in nine cases out of ten to bulletins as to the temperature of the air that the Emperor is at that moment inhaling. Now and again he may exceed this limit, and then we get a more detailed analysis of the climatic conditions, as, for instance, when he telegraphs that it is windy, or warm — or that a storm has been raging, which was followed by fine weather, etc., etc.

(I actually laughed out loud reading this).

Then he proceeds to share some of the telegrams and they are truly utterly boring. What’s important is that a) FJ sounds genuinely concerned about his wife’s whereabouts and eager to know news from her and b) he really likes to talk about the weather. The only telegram that genuinely surprised me, because I don’t recall having read this before, is this one he sent to Elisabeth, who was in Corfu, around the time Duke Max in Bavaria (her father) was in his deathbed, telling her to not go see him:

I advise you most earnestly not to go to Munich, for in the present cold state of the weather, you might easily be taken ill, and as I have an impression that Papa [Duke Max] is rapidly approaching his end, you would be sure to arrive too late. Should I unfortunately happen to be right, I will be certain to attend the funeral at Munich myself.

In his biography of Elisabeth historian Egon Corti shared some of the letters the emperor wrote to his wife, many of them unpublished at the time, and they are far more interesting than the telegrams. For exemple, during the 1859 Italian War, Elisabeth asked her husband to let her join him at the front, to which he replied:

Even though she was far away it seems rather cruel to me to ask her not to go see her dying father (specially when Elisabeth was present at his father’s deathbed), but giving that the Duke had an almost non existant relationship with his children perhaps she didn’t lament it that much. Whether it was solely because of her husband advised her against it or for other personal reasons, finally Elisabeth didn’t go.

For the present, unfortunately, I cannot comply with your wish, though I should love to beyond words. Women are out of place in the disturbed life at headquarters, and I cannot set my army a bad example, besides which, even I do not in the least know how long I shall be stopping here... I beseech you, my angel, if you love me, not to grieve so much, but to take care of yourself ; try to find plenty of distractions, go for rides and drives in moderation and preserve your dear, precious health, so that when I come back I may find you thoroughly well and we may be as happy as can be.

The first (and I believe so far only) compilation of letters that FJ wrote to Elisabeth were published in two volumes in 1966, covering from 1859 until 1898. In general his letters to her are very loving, he uses the informal “Du”, calls her “angel” or “Édes szeretett lelkem” (my sweet beloved soul), asks her about her well being and how he hopes to see her soon again. I haven’t gone through all of these yet however so I can’t tell you what are the general themes, but from what I read (which wasn’t much) I noticed that a) again, FJ genuinely missed Elisabeth and wanted to know about how and where she was, b) he just needed to communicate absolutely everything he did on the day in detail and c) he really liked to talk about the weather.

I also recall reading somewhere before that FJ didn’t discuss politics with his wife in his letters, which is just plain untrue, I literally opened the second volume at random and found this (letter from December 1894, machine translation):

I am already longing for news from you, as I have heard absolutely nothing from you since your arrival in Algiers. I hope you are well and happy. I am sad and distressed because the crisis in Hungary is approaching and I fear that it will again cause me much trouble, worry and agitation. The Indemnity Act has been quickly adopted in the House of Representatives and will probably not last long among the magnates either. Then the resignation of the Ministry will soon follow and the work will begin.

Since I haven’t read the 700+ pages of correspondance I can’t tell if this was out of character or if he always communicated her these kind of news, but that he never mentioned politics is wrong.

And lastly family life was an important part of the correspondance, especially during the years Elisabeth just wasn’t around. He often wrote to her of their grandchildren, for exemple in March 1893 he wrote: “A few days ago Erzsi [Rudolf’s daughter] went to confession for the first time and on the first Sunday after Easter Georg's [Gisela’s son] first Comunion will take place”, and in July of the same year: “[Valerie’s] children I found, praise God, quite well, the little one [five-months-old Franz Karl Salvator] is gaining weight and is getting really cheerful and Ella [one-year-and-a-half-old Elisabeth] was particularly gracious and funny. She is very amusing and already speaks quite a lot.” You can find a lot of small mentions like this, and also of their great-grandchildren, nieces and nephews, cousins and in-laws.

I hope you found my answer helpful and sorry it took me so long! I’ll share more about these letters when I continue reading them.

Sources:

Corti, Egon (1936). Elizabeth, empress of Austria (translation by Catherine Alison Phillips)

Emperor Franz Josef I of Austria (1966). Briefe Kaiser Franz Josephs an Kaiserin Elisabeth, 1859-1898. Band II

Ernst, Otto (1927). Franz Joseph as revealed by his letters (translation by Agnes Blake)

[psychics4unet]

When will I induce the void state?

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[lkblackham]

There are many things to say.

But really, everything can be said in one image.

Handala is a character that was created by Palestinian cartoonist Naji al-Ali. Handala is a 10-year-old boy who is a refugee, most often drawn with his back to the viewer - representing how the world has turned their back on Palestine.

Naji al-Ali was a refugee. He was forced out of his home with his family at the age of 10 during the 1948 Palestinian expulsion - an incredibly violent and excruciating event that was central to the current-day displacement and persecution of Palestinians today. Naji al-Ali grew up in a refugee camp. He went on to join the Nationalist Arab Movement, but was expelled several times and finally left altogether.

He eventually found his voice with drawing political cartoons, which were widely distributed and read. He was forcefully detained in 1985 by Israeli forces during their invasion of Lebanon, but managed to get out. He then left the Middle East altogether and moved to London, where he lived until he was shot in the neck outside of the office of the newspaper he worked for. He fell into a coma and died shortly afterwards. His assassin was never officially found, although there were strong suspects.

Naji al-Ali never committed an act of violence against anyone. He spoke through his art. Handala was/is his most famous character. al-Ali described him as being drawn as a humanisation of Palestine - channelling himself as the 10-year-old boy who was violently forced to leave his home, poor, wearing worn clothes and no shoes.

In al-Ali's words: "Handala was born 10 years old and he will always be 10 years old. It was at that age that I left my homeland. When Handala returns, he will still be 10 years old, and then he will start growing up."

He also said that Handala would "reveal his face to the readers again only when Palestinian refugees return to their homeland."

(Just to be clear, I'm pulling all of my info and a fair bit of wording from Wikipedia here, but you can easily find this information corroborated all over the Internet.)

With the current attempt at blatant genocide being perpetuated by the Israeli government against the Palestinians once again, artists all over the world are showing their support for Palestine by drawing themselves with Handala, or their own version of Handala. I'm not Palestinian, or even Arab. I'm just a white girl from California who barely knows anything. But this - I can at least do this.

I don't often talk about my Ph.D here, because it's usually so difficult to describe in such a way that I can convey its importance. I joke all the time that I'm just getting a degree in comics, but the reality is, it's much, much, much more than that. Comics are, in my opinion, the oldest form of art there is. And the reason comics are viewed as being a "low" or "crude" form of art - sometimes to the degree that it's not even regarded as "art" at all - is that they're accessible. They're so easy to read. They're so easy to publish. They're so easy to understand. And this accessibility has been recognized by artists and political authorities. Comics have been used as weapons to perpetuate political agendas. And they've been used to protest that weaponization. They've been used to spread lies, and truth. Sometimes both at the same time.

Naji al-Ali used comics to tell his story, and the story of all Palestinians - a story that is, horrifyingly, still being hidden. I would implore all of you to read, and to watch, and to listen, and to give whatever you can, to help the people who have been hidden all this time by hateful words and violent agendas.

[terraliensvent]

i have no idea about the lore before the whole april incident and from what ive heard there wasnt any besides like as you mentioned design "lore" so ill just summarize the recent stuff and you can form your opinion from there terraliens are living happily on Terrah or whatever and a satellite crashes along with mysterious black boxes that are spread out all over terra and reports of a massive Terrah lurking around start spreading. massive terra is revealed to be named Lydia (NPC-2999) and is a macro planetary terra from outerspace or whatever that crash landed onto Terrah. she was sent to Terrah by her parents to reconnect the terralien species of Terrah with the planetary subtype again because the planetary subtype terras are like the ancestors of the other subtypes or smth and this was Lydias purpose and the reason she was born, but her parents decided to abandon her once they lost contact for some reason. then Lydias parents create Junior (NPC-3000) for seemingly the same task when they thought Lydia was gone and then they end up abandoning him on Terrah as well. so now lydia is deciding to fufill the task of connecting planetary terras back to the rest of the subtypes whilst taking care of her new little brother, Junior. the black boxes are a foragable item you can receive from foraging anywhere and thats where the codes people found in the prompts and news posts were put revealing this information. this is pretty much where we are right now,, probably missed some stuff but like stuff i missed probably isnt too important to the lore oh also this is reminding me of how stupid naming the planet terraliens live on Terrah is like it made typing this so confusing wtf

post related

hm. ok so it is pretty convoluted and there are plot holes but there was an effort

i do think that the lore for the WHOLE species should have been figured out first and given in an easily accessible way, like what even are terras, tell me about the planet they live on, tell me why they have the anatomy they do, tell me the origin of the subspecies, etc. this is why you need worldbuilding

not to mention that giving important lore info via a puzzle that most members dont even know about is not the best way of conveying information. you should give your main lore in easily viewable areas, like have a direct page on site with info. save the puzzles and stuff for fun little character info and npc relationships, stuff that wouldnt really have a negative effect if players were unaware of it

the planetary subspecies just seems incredibly half baked and i think the lore here shows it, they really should have held off releasing it and should have worked out the lore for the whole rest of the species first

[spiderrmax]

💐 (sry if this isnt enough info) but if you do end up responding or even just reading this thank you!

So I'm extremely shy and have a hard time talking to ppl at first but can quickly open up. (Gets attached pretty easily) I'm also academically smart but sometimes i cant take hit and end up talking a lot or being clingy. I can also get angry or frustrated pretty easily but for the most part I'm very understanding and try to see where the other person is coming from. I like to help out my friends w personal problems and like to draw/make arts and crafts gifts 4 them.

thank u for requesting nonny!

i ship you with kenny!

I can see an older Kenny taking your shyness as a challenge. He would love to get closer to you and would want to get you to open up. He'd never push boundaries too far, and would be over the moon the moment you are willing to let him in.

He's less devoted to his classwork, which I think would do you some good. He'd recognize the importance of good grades but would hopefully help you not be so devoted to those grades that the occasional bad one wouldn't upset you. However, he is still sympathetic when you do get upset, and I think he would be great at providing you comfort so you aren't alone.

Kenny is perfect contrast to you being a "talker." literally the two of you are peak okok x lala. he loves listening to you talk, and does the occasional hum to make sure you know he is listening. if you're venting, he makes sure his body language is also conveying he is properly listening. he isn't the greatest with advice, but is a great shoulder to cry on.

other contenders (in case you were curious): stan, tolkien

[chronussy-bc]

Some info on the Guardians that only appear in the anime. All of these are provided by Kentaro Yabuki, posted on the official account of the anime.

1. Emilio Lowe - No.III of The Time Guardians

A person that approves the Eden project. He is meant to be Sven’s opponent (?).

His voice and speaking manner is also similar to Sven’s former partner, Lloyd.

The glasses he wears also gives an impression similar to those of Lloyd’s, though the design is not the same.

Unlike Lloyd, his look can turn into a very scary glare.

When he's not working as a Number, he lives a normal life in the city, probably having an ordinary job: a doctor at a small clinic, someone working at a flower shop…

He could have encountered Sven by chance while he was in his civilian cover and become a close acquaintance.

2. David Pepper - No.IX of The Time Guardians

The image on the left corner is his serious expression.

He has a bright and friendly personality, can easily befriend anyone.

His hairstyle will change depending on his mood. He can bundle them up or wear a headband. This is the basic design.

He is quite tall compared to a Number.

His voice is imagined to sound like that of Norio Wakamoto (laughs).

Some of the Numbers have a fake identity to blend in with the public. David seems to be a musician.

3. Anubis - No.VI of The Time Guardians

Note: his description is the most detailed, claimed by the official Twitter.

He is a biological product of Chronos’s science. His humanoid character is implanted by them and he is loyal to the organization. His intelligence is equal to that of a human so he can understand our language.

He has never met anyone among the Numbers other than Sephiria since he is a secret member.

His fur is completely black to match with the theme color of the Guardians.

His face looks like a real wolf (probably this explanation is given due to the fact that overall, Anubis still looks somewhat different from normal wolves). The original werewolf in the manga is perhaps an inspiration to the creation of Anubis.

Since he is one of a kind, his design must have a reasonable proportion between the length of the limbs and his huge size. The anatomy plays an important role in demonstrating the coolness of his appearance.

He has a calm and collected personality.

His Orichalcum weapon, Osiris, is a versatile arm moving according to his will. It is embedded in his body (the Orichalcum tail is likely to be connected to his spine, not just attached on his behind). The weapon can also be used as a pistol (can function like a firearm) with great precision.

The author thought that him speaking human language by himself would be an overdo. To facilitate communication, the organization has given him a device that can vocally convey his thoughts, or perhaps something that interpret his natural sounds into words. If he speak, he address himself as “I” (first person like people do usually, not by name or anything particular).

The color of his tattoo is red maybe.

4. Ash - Former No.X of The Time Guardians

Note: The Guardian doesn’t always know their comrades. There are some they have never met, some they don’t like. However, in the setting of the anime, he and Nizer appear to have been friends for a very long time, said the official Twitter.

He is Nizer’s best friend. Before being recruited into the Guardians, they used to be mercenaries fighting along side in some country.

He usually wears a headband.

5. Mason Odrosso - No.XII of The Time Guardians

Note: canonically, he is the only witness to the Taoist war that is still alive until this point.

Although he is old, his skin looks fairly good, not having so many wrinkles.

He looks better with a cane maybe.

The metal ornaments on the coat has been changed into fabric patterns in the anime.

The translation is done through apps and my efforts to grasp the ideas so don’t take this too seriously.

[visual-sculptors]

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[cvntyvvitch]

D̸̩͔͐̿̕Ř̷̝̖̱Ų̷̭̯̈́̅G̵̨̙͂̅̔S̸͕̔, and Their Impact on Reagans Economy,

Part One.

Or,

All the Shit That Happened as a Child That Probably Gave Me Brain Damage.

I can't remember for shit. following along in a conversation? ha! remembering that important thing my doctor just told me? hope she sends a reminder. what was I saying?

I easily forget how much people take their memory for granted (I swear I didn't mean for that to be a pun), but sometimes it is strikingly apparent how much trouble I have with my working and long term memory when compared to other people. most people I don't think really realize how important memory is to socializing and everyday functioning. and like, I think people often think about the movies where someone has amnesia and can't remember who they are or like forget what they were doing 5 seconds ago and have to write all over their body or something to function. well, those are extreme cases yeah, but even a small deficit to working memory can have a large impact.

I think it comes down to the fact that the issue is largely invisible, no one really notices a problem, until they do notice. but they don't usually understand it as a memory problem, they think I am being rude, or I wasn't listening to them, or I'm just slow. well, maybe I am slow. maybe I've always been slow so I just don't realize it.

right so, to give you an idea of what I'm talking about, say you are having a chat with someone. maybe they are talking about something that happened at work, something their coworker did, and they tell you what they did and then move on to telling you about that coworker, and why what they did was wrong or upset them or whatever, and now they are telling you how they felt about it.. wait, what were we talking about again?

so, now I'm lost, I no longer have the context of what the original topic of discussion was, so now it is difficult to understand what is now being said and how it relates to whatever we are discussing. this happens like, all the time for me. and it is very hard for me to convey to people what is happening in a way for them to be able to accommodate me. It is hard to continually interrupt people to ask for clarification or to summarize what they have said up to this point, if I even know exactly what I need clarifying. it is better if they can just summarize their story into something less information heavy, but asking someone to "just get to the point" is rude. but like, it's not because I am not interested in what you have to say, it's because were on a ticking clock until I have lost context. it is like everyone else is operating on 8gb of ram, and I only have 4gb. I just can't hold the same memory at one time as they can, so while they are giving me more information assuming I still have room to work with it, I am forced to dump the old information to make room. it creates a bottleneck.

I think that is one of the reasons I like sign language so much. in ASL grammar, you start with the topic, then you make a comment about that topic. but by giving the topic first, I already know what the point is, so it is easier for me to make sense of the rest of the information I am being given because I don't need to constantly be holding all this info in my head waiting for the point to show up for me to finally connect that information to something.

right so, that is probably the most impactful issue, but constantly forgetting what I was doing, the context of what I was reading, where I put something 5 minutes ago, what that thing was my doctor just told me I needed to do, those all have an impact as well. but those are things I feel like I can manage. I can have a routine to get chores done, I can go back and re-read, I can have certain places I always put my items to check for, I can set reminders in my phone. but the socialization aspect is hard. I can't be constantly taking notes of what my friend is talking about in order to look back at what was said to get context or make a comment or whatever. so that issue I still haven't figured out.

so why am I like this? ehhh I have a few theories, and I think it is probably a mix of things. I was born with a heart condition for one. I had a deformed aortic valve and a hole between chambers which meant that my heart wasn't able to pump blood effectively throughout my body until the doctors fixed it when I was like 18 months old. who knows if that caused any sort of brain damage, but given that I was diagnosed with a learning disability pretty early on and put in a special class, and had at least some accommodations my entire time spent in school, I feel like that probably did something. had to get a second surgery when I was 18 because the valve had started leaking again, it was actually leaking for some years before they got worried enough to do surgery so who knows what other effects that might have had. I don't have a lot of information on my learning disability, but I know it related to comprehension, I always had trouble understanding and remembering what had happened in a story and, like, underlying meanings to things.

and then came ⊹₊ ⋆drugs‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.

I think I kinda started life depressed. I was always a very anxious and socially awkward kid, prone to public meltdowns. then my parents got divorced when I was like 8, which was pretty rough, lots of fighting over custody. then my mom's new husband died. then my sister died. then we kept moving and changing schools while my parents were fighting over me. and then it was just me and my dad in a new place, at a new school where I had no friends, and my dad worked so I was home by myself a lot of the time.

oh, and I was trans the whole time.

I didn't figure out I was trans until I was like 16, but looking back I remember wanting to be a girl since I was like 8. aaaaanyway suffice to say I was going through a lot. I didn't realize I was going through a lot at the time, this all just felt normal to me. I also didn't notice at the time how emotionally distant my dad was and how little support he offered me. was it any wonder I turned to drugs?

I thiiink I snuck my first cigarette when I was 13 or 14. my mom smoked, and I always hated it. but at some point I thought, what the hell there must be some sort of appeal or else why would she do it? so I tried one and I really liked the headrush I had gotten. but I didn't try it again and I didn't think much of it at the time. the second time I tried drugs, I'm not quite sure if it was weed or cough medicine, but I think it was cough medicine. I think I had a cold or something so my dad got some, I had read online that you could get high from it so I took a bunch.

fucking euphoria, everything was bright, my body felt so good, every movement felt delicious, the world just felt so warm and inviting. and it lasted for hours! I could go the whole day tripping, and cough medicine wasn't hard to come by. after I raided my parents medicine cabinets, I could normally get some from a friend. or I could just buy it from a store, some stores had policies to check ID for that stuff but a lot didn't, and I think a lot of the time their systems only flagged like Mucinex and not the cheap store brand stuff. even if they did have a policy for it I would just buy some other stuff too and they wouldn't ask questions, or I would just act sick or say it was for my dad. that shit was soooo easy to get and it kinda became a running theme all through my teens. did not know that mixing that with antidepressants could cause serotonin syndrome tho.

my dad was always against therapy and medication, until I started self harming. after he caught me cutting he sent me to a psychiatrist and therapist and that started my SSRI era. I had been on quite a few different antidepressants, some I don't remember but I think at one point or another I had been on; Paxil, Celexa, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lithium, and I think a couple others.

at some point while I was on one of those meds, I had decided to robotrip, as had become habit at this point. I remember so vividly, I was in my dorm, lying in bed trying to go to sleep. and all my dorm mates were out in the common area being loud as shit, laughing and talking, sounded like they were playing a game or something. It was like 1am at this point and I was sick of it so I got out of my bunk to go tell them to shut up. I opened the door and, there was no one there. The lights were off and everyone was asleep, I had been hallucinating the whole thing. now, I normally hallucinated while robotripping, that's what it does. but normally it was just kinda like, the walls are melting and music sounds really good and maybe I would get some auditory effects. but this time was different, I was hearing full conversations, I could pick out words, I had seen people walking past my door and into and out of our shared room. shortly after I had started vomiting's uncontrollably, and after there was nothing left I continued to retch spastically to the point where it was hard to breath. I was on the floor and I couldn't get up, my legs just would not work. at this point my roommates had woken up from all the commotion and were trying to help me. I could not put a sentence together, I was just saying incoherent nonsense, basically word salad. so they called an ambulance, they took me to the hospital and that landed me in the psych ward. I think that was my first time there, but I am not sure. that part of my life is very much a blur.