#the immortal snail question

[t0tally-n0t-3m0]

Jonah Magnus found a way to be immortal but instead of body hopping it’s the immortal snail

[supratoyota-catboy]

Missing the bug race is the reason I have decided to retire from sleeping

there's only so much FOMO I can take

[plaid-malimas]

Do you think all immortals have an irrational fear of snails?

[breakerofpots]

The immortal snail shall not be trifled with.

[syn4k]

this is ABSOLUTELY jordan with jerry.

(for those unaware: jerry is a baby slime that jordan captainsparklez found in one of his minecraft letsplays a LONG time ago. baby slimes in minecraft are less than a block tall, have half a heart of health, and are in fact so small that they can't even hurt the player by jumping up and squishing them like bigger slimes do, thus making them utterly and completely harmless. after jerry hopped in front of jordan and took an arrow for him, jordan decided to take him as soon as the sun rose. when he got back, jerry the slime was gone. every series jordan has made after that one has either featured a reincarnation of jerry or had some sort of homage to jerry in it. i think about this extremely frequently. wow that got long)

anyways, in every season of mianite jerry has been there at some point and he has always been some sort of gift (either from the wizards (s1) or the gods (s2)). i saw the tweet above and i went okay. Jerry could be a perfectly normal baby slime who nobody fucks with simply because Jordan will literally summon all the powers of Heaven and Hell for revenge if they ever touch his boy. that makes sense. but what if jerry was secretly super powerful and nobody knows because he's so unassuming, kind of like the immortal snail that instakills you if you touch it?

the scenario i'm imagining is this: someone breaks into jordan's house in the middle of the night to get cheese or something. probably tom. he's being super quiet and super sneaky. he has an invisibility potion on and everything. everything is going great until he turns to leave when Suddenly,

jordan, from somewhere out of sight: GET HIM, JERRY!

jerry the baby slime (small) (baby) (pretty damn harmless) drops in from the ceiling and starts hopping slowly but ominously towards tom.

now, you see, at this point tom is like "is he serious?" which is a great question to ask because he knows (or thinks he knows) that jerry cant do shit. he knows that this is definitely a distraction and that jordan is about to wreck his shit. however, he Also knows that if he does anything at all to jerry then jordan will have a great reason to have it out for him for the rest of eternity.

jerry is still approaching.

tom double checks all the exits just to make sure, walks forwards, gently nudges jerry aside with his foot so that he can get the fuck out of there, and Instantly Fucking Dies.

he did not account for the possibility that jerry is partially made up of a very strong, very fast acting poison that kills everyone upon contact (except jordan obviously), which makes sense because that's fucking wild and no sane person would consider that while raiding their friend's house for bread at 3am.

(also nobody except for jordan has ever touched jerry before so how would they know?)

the worst part is that this sounds exactly like the type of thing tom would make up to explain dying after breaking into jordan's house, so he can't even go to anyone to bitch about it. when questioned about the incident, jordan just gives whoever asked a Look that says "you actually believe that Jerry the baby goddamn Slime killed Tom?? Jerry, who couldn't hurt a baby chicken if he wanted to??? Fucking Jerry?????" and they go "yeah ok" and drop it.

thank you for coming to my ted talk. i might write a oneshot about this.

[jo-harrington]

As Above, So Below - Series Masterlist

Van Helsing - Kas!Eddie/Fem!OC - Soulmates

This story is told from 2nd Person POV (you/your)

Minors DNI - This fic is for 18+ readers only.

Summary: In order to undo a centuries-long curse, you travel to Hawkins to defeat a great evil and close the gates to Hell once and for all. Unfortunately, you uncover many unsettling secrets including some about your lost love, Eddie Munson.

Warnings (in no particular order): Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Smut (Specifics Tagged in Chapters), Major and Minor Character Deaths, Violence, Gore, Body Horror, Blood, Manipulation, Transformation, Corruption, Religious Elements, Criticism of Religion, Biblical and Other Literary and Pop Culture References

This story is going to be EXTREMELY HEAVY to write, so I will not be putting out a posting schedule. Chapters will get posted as they are completed.

OC is of European/Italian-American descent on her father's side and her mother's side can be left up to interpretation. She is loosely Roman Catholic and you will see why I say loosely if you read. I will not be giving her a name, or any major physical descriptors if I can help it but her cultural identity is integral to this story.

Note: You do not need to have seen Van Helsing (2004) to understand the premise of this fic. You should, however, read the prequels.

Prequels: Heaven - Hell - Purgatory

Hymns of Heaven: A series of "additions" to the prequel timeline based on cryptid and monster requests. April 1984 Mothman - April 1984 Immortal Snail - May 1984 Splinter Cat - May 1984 Sully - June 1984 Chupacabra - July 1984 Will-o'-the-Wisp - August 1984 Manticore - August 1984 Frogman - September 1984 Fresno Nightcrawler - September 1984 Thunderbird/Horned Serpent - October 1984 The Kraken - Halloween 1984 Werewolf - December 1984 Freddy Kreuger - December 1984 The Guardians - Christmas Eve 1984 Loch Ness Monster - January 1985 Manananggal - April 1985 Oneiroi - Unknown in the UD Inner Monster - Unknown in the UD Nachzehrer

Related Blurbs: Limbo - Genesis

Gratia. - Charitas. - Solamen.

Prequel Playlist

Chapters: Prologue - Annunciation 1 - Illumination 2 - Descendió a los Infiernos 3 - Crucible 4 - Malum Malus 5 - Via Domus 6 - Revelation 7 - Exodus 8 - Miserere Mei 9 - Deus in Absentia 10 - Atonement 11 - Amor Vicit Omnia Epilogue - Ab Aeterno

Series Playlist

Reader's Guide to AASB - A collection of references and Easter eggs that are made in the story.

Series Art All series art is commissioned by me from various fandom artists. Some art depicts the Knight (artwork varies from original character design to self insert art). If you want to keep the illusion of a faceless Knight, please do not look at the artwork noted with (*).

*Knight Character Design Sheet - by @floredaqueen *

*Eddie and the Knight on their First Date - by @boltedfruit *

*Eddie and the Knight and the Fresno Nightcrawler - by @doomcheese*

*November 5, 1984 - At the Trailer - by @boltedfruit * (TW: Blood)

Hell Eddie - V2 feat. Knight's Intervention - by @lilithapril (TW: Blood/Gore)

Purgatory Eddie - by @dance-on-the-bones (TW: Blood)

Kas!Eddie - by @nightonblogmountain

*AASB Sketch Sheet - by @toomanyacorns* (TW: Blood)

Via Domus - Eddie and the Demobats - by @hearsegrrl

*AASB Sketch Sheet 2 - by @toomanyacorns * (TW: Blood)

The Gospel According to Mary Victoria - AASB as told from Mary Victoria’s perspective and a deep dive into her journey.

Book 1 - Book 2 - Book 3

This fic will not be for the faint of heart. Please check the above warnings and ask yourself if you are in the correct headspace to proceed. I am happy to answer any questions via PM or Ask.

Tag List: There will be no tag list for As Above, So Below.

[blandandtasteless]

Immortal snail question be upon ye. 

You and a super intelligent snail both get 1 million dollars, and you both become immortal, however you die if the snail touches you. It always knows where you are and slowly crawls toward you. What's your plan?

With a million dollars get the snail welded into a cast iron orb and keep it with me at all times.

Theoretically, immortality and infinite time will let you take risks and generate infinite wealth, so when I’m wealthy enough, shoot my snail into the sun. That gives me a few billion years until it moves anywhere, and it won’t be near me. <- is the wrong answer, cause sun will explode losing track of snail, I need to shoot it at a black hole which won’t kill the snail but the snail can never leave, at least until the Schwartzchild radiation renders the black hole deleted, by which time we’re talking heat death of the universe. <- this is also a wrong answer however because I would wanna die sometime before then… Iron Ball it is!

I keep him in an iron ball in my house and microchip the ball and get ball remade every now and then. And when possible, put the ball in a box in the middle of nowhere under constant surveillance from me (this is post-get-a-lot-of-money) just me, you can’t trust anyone else to take the stakes as serious as yourself.

THE FINAL PROBLEM is living long enough to want to die from dissatisfaction with immortality, whilst also keeping hold of the snail at a distance in your mind which is far enough away to forget about it whilst also always being able to access it when you want to move it. The stakes cannot possibly be higher than: If I fail, I must endure eternity.

The snail is like a gun. Anyone can kill themselves at any time with a gun, but I’ve only got this gun, so I’ve gotta carry it with me every day I don’t plan to kill myself for the one day that I do.

[darkfictionjude]

If MC came to the RO's (once they are in a relationship) with the immortal snail question, would the RO's try to answer? Would they think it's too silly and refuse to answer? Or would they think about way too much (either sincerely or not) while debating what to do about the snail?

Yeah I had to look that up and I’m chronically offline 💀 I feel like you didn’t need to specific that they were in a relationship, this question has nothing to do with romance 😭

Imre would answer and say that he would simply live out his life. The snail comes, he just steps 10 feet away and continue to do what he was doing.

Nia thinks that question is stupid and that night makes sure that you two dine on escargot

Lorcan would actually overthink, asking the speed on the snail, can the snail escape closed jars? If I bury the snail and shove concrete on it will it get out? Can the snail? If I paid someone to cook it and eat it will it come back? Never answers the question

[idisblogofrandomness]

what if split was the immortal snail in the inmortal snail question anf what if brock just accepted the offer and thats why bro is a millionare and also why split seems to not die during a lot of otherwise deadly events

[hyper-pixels]

I have the desire to know how the Rangers and Villains would react to the worm question and the immortal snail. Its so character telling

[nostalgic-bee]

Immortal snail question be upon ye. 

You and a super intelligent snail both get 1 million dollars, and you both become immortal, however you die if the snail touches you. It always knows where you are and slowly crawls toward you. What's your plan?

I mean if I have that much money I can just keep moving around to stay away from the snail?? Though I guess eventually that would get tiring.

Can I just briefly trap him?? Like put him in a little box/cage and then that’s it? Idk that’s what I’ll do, I’ll trap him and stay far away until one day I decide to go back for him

Hope this is a decent answer I wasn’t really sure what to say but it’s a fun question XD

[aceofstars0]

Immortal snail question be upon ye. 

You and a super intelligent snail both get 1 million dollars, and you both become immortal, however you die if the snail touches you. It always knows where you are and slowly crawls toward you. What's your plan?

Put him on a jar on my shelf :) give 'im lil pieces of me sandwich. Besties :)))

[dijeh]

I got tagged in a fandom meme! I haven't done one of these in a lot of years, so thanks @endless-season

I'm putting my disappointing answers under the cut, so you can enjoy this photo of a snail instead and scroll along.

3 ships you like: I'm... not the type to talk about that... They exist.

first ship ever: Oh man, no idea. Something from Greek mythology maybe? Or from one of those compulsory readings in middle school? Maybe earlier?

last song you heard: This. Also in French. It's apparently based on an actual love curse song and I can't stop listening to it.

favourite childhood book: Either a two-volume book on Greek mythology or the Mary Poppins series. I received the Greek mythology book when I was about 6 and it was the first "serious" book I managed to read all by myself (I'd only read some Bamse beforehand). I used to like the first volume, the one on gods, better than the second one which focused on the heroes, which I found sort of boring. I wanted to read about cool powers and the like, not guys doing things. I lent the books to a friend a few years ago and haven't seen them since, but I recently leafed through the volumes at another friend's house (every kid has them), and noticed my tastes have sort of reversed now.

As for Mary Poppins... I still remember that frustrating Midsummer Eve volume which created more mysteries instead of answering longstanding questions. Immortal Mary? ??? Also that Halloween chapter where I would mentally replace the park and lane with the park across the street and my own street. My mental image of the MP world was half whatever I read, half my own home. (I only watched the Disney movie much, much later and found it rather disappointing.)

currently reading: - A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. I had forgotten how verbose he is! I appreciate the irony/dry humour but there are so many unneeded passages. It's also quite quotable, in fact it contains my favourite quote ever that I learnt of before knowing the book.

Alamut by Vladimir Bartol. It's ok so far, I'm only ~70 pages in, so I can't draw a conclusion, but I can't say I'm awed or anything. I'd be tempted to blame the translation, but it might also be my expectations (cool assassin action yeah!) vs reality (newcomer learns about stuff in painstaking detail).

The House on the Borderland by W. H. Hodgson. Literally just started it, I'm looking forward to being spooked. I've only read two other things by Hodgson, The Voice in the Night, which I can't remember for the life of me, and The Night Land, which I read the only time I worked in an office and I still can't tell whether reading that book or working in an office was worse. I Very Much Dislike working in an office if you couldn't tell.

currently watching: The Last Kingdom. I quite like it, despite the biker vikings and the ridiculous premise that everything in (future) England worked thanks to 1 (one) guy™ and some REALLY unneeded character changes (historical power couple turned into lil bitch husband vs long suffering wife who fucks the protag of course). Can't talk yet about the writing quality after Netflix took over (started season 4), but I do appreciate the better costumes and accessories. People finally wear rings, necklaces, brooches, armbands etc! Wew. I do not appreciate the Middle Ages filter even though some colour does manage to make its way on screen from time to time. I also miss the battle tactics, but well, as long as the character interactions are nice...

currently consuming: Coffee in a coffee appropriate cup I randomly found in the kitchen. Where do all these cups even come from?

currently craving: Infinite time to read what I want to read and enough money and warm sunny weather to travel. I miss Naples! My love 🥺

[sapphosdickandballs]

Hiii! Thank you for all the asks!! Your turn hehehe! I want to know your answers to what you asked me!

Who would you choose if you could be friends with a fictional character?

If you could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, who’s 3 people you’d go to dinner with and what would you eat?

If you could only listen to one song/one album for the rest of your life, what would it be?

What’s the funniest joke you’ve ever heard (or just the last joke to make you laugh if you can’t pick a fav)

You and a super intelligent snail both get 1 million dollars, and you both become immortal, however you die if the snail touches you. It always knows where you are and slowly crawls toward you. What's your plan?

thank you! That’s a lotta asks Im now realizing lmao

I’d be friends with Caitlyn from Arcane or Benedict from Bridgerton or Stanley from IANOWT. Caitlyn cause I just feel like we’d get along and Benedict and Stanley cause they seem fun. Also maybe these three would introduce me to the women around them? Staring at Stanley specifically

I’d go out to eat with people I would’ve loved to meet before they died. I’d eat with David Bowie and Robin Williams and my best friend because she’d lose her mind over meeting David Bowie

😭😭😭 when I asked this question I wasn’t expecting it to be turned on me. Honestly this question sucks who thought of it :3 but uhhhh I guess I’d say the Wicked Soundtrack? It’s gotten me through things and it shall again. I’d say TRAFOMP but it doesn’t have good luck babe on it sooooo

God I feel like all the jokes that have made me laugh aren’t really things you can easily retell. I think the meme at the bottom is the last thing that made me wheeze with laughter and I can’t even tell you why

Stick that bitch in a cement block. You hire someone to carry him around and periodically add more cement to the block. I fuck around and do dangerous and stupid things (maybe find happiness or sm idk) and then when I’m over it I just find the guy I hired and touch the snail.

[jo-harrington]

Blurb request: The immortal snail ☠️

…anon what?

But I have an idea.

Find other Hymns of Heaven here.

And find the Master List for As Above, So Below here.

April 1984

Eddie’s first DND character with Hellfire Club had been a Tabaxi Rogue named Perceval Stayne—after Sir Perceval of Arthurian legend…and of course who could pass up playing a cat burglar. He’d been a freshman, eager to play with real players and not just his friends. Mickey had said Perceval was cool.

Harvey Simpson, the founder of the Hellfire Club and the DM at the time, told him that Perceval would have been great…if only his best stat wasn’t charisma, of all things.

“Dexterity,” Harvey tapped at the character sheet. “Or intelligence should be your highest.”

“My uncle says my mouth is my best feature,” Eddie explained. He wanted a cool character..but he also wanted one that felt true to him to begin with. Make a good impression and not fumble endlessly. He’d get better. “I could sell ice during a blizzard.”

Harvey had huffed and puffed but ultimately let him do what he wanted. And Perceval’s big mouth is what got the party out of a few pinches several times.

Eddie’s big mouth got them out of several pinches.

It also got him a second date with you at, coincidentally, the library so he could do some prep for the next few sessions.

“It’s a really cool game, I swear,” Eddie explained. “I’m DM this year and we’ve got this freshman Gareth who is like…he’s been trying so hard. But seeing his eyes light up…that’s just why we play, you know?”

You whispered questions and answers to each other as the two of you perused the shelves—what kind of books you liked to read, favorite book as a child, that kind of thing—and then Eddie surprised you with a study room in the depths of the library reserved just for the two of you.

“So we can have snacks without getting yelled at,” he explained.

“Just snacks?” You teased.

“And maybe kiss a little without getting caught,” he grinned mischievously and you shut the door before planting one on him with a giggle.

The date was spent mostly in silence, the study room filled only with the sounds pages turning, a pencil scribbling, snack wrappers crunching, and the occasional laughter as one of you—usually Eddie—started playing footsie.

You grabbed a few books for yourself, easy reads, simple chapter books with mystery and fantasy and intrigue to keep with Eddie’s theme.

Currently you were lost in the pages of Tuck Everlasting, you even ignored Eddie’s last attempt to get your attention. He watched you for a moment, memorized the way your eyes darted across the pages and your expression changed.

He wanted to live here forever, in this moment. And something at the very depth of his being thought that he would feel this way about every moment, every second, that he was gifted with you.

“Obviously your favorite is Jesse,” he broke the silence and your eyes darted up to meet his. You fidgeted in your seat as you watched him watch you. “Handsome, adventurous—”

“Cocky,” you smirked.

“I would say ‘confident.’” Eddie shrugged. “Tell me I’m wrong though.”

“You are wrong, actually,” you set the book down and folded your hands over it. “Miles is my favorite.”

Eddie frowned.

All of the girls in his 6th grade English class had a silly crush on Jesse. He never understood until he reread the book last summer when he was preparing for his first campaign as DM, hoping to include some secret stranger like the man in the yellow suit. Then he likened himself to Jesse. Enjoying life where he could, despite the hand he’d been dealt…or in spite of it. He was romantic…wanted Winnie to marry him one day…drink from the spring so they could be together forever.

“Jesse…he was impulsive,” you began, as if you could read his mind. “What more did he love about Winnie than the fact that he could be himself around her. Because the family’s secret was finally free. She was just a child who saw this…fantastical thing, this family and this fun older boy, and she thinks she’ll be free of this stuffy life in Tree Gap…and when trouble arose, she wanted to protect her friends.

“Jesse just wanted to repay her…there was no…real love there outside of maybe friendship. But he’s lonely too…wanted to reward himself. Maybe he could actually love Winnie one day…maybe…but he’d always have another person to be free with. Offering her immortality is for him more than it was for her. Or for love.

“Miles though…Miles was bitter, sure. Because he loved with everything he had in him. Love his wife, loved his family so deeply that he never wanted to be without them. He wanted a normal life together with them. No matter the circumstances.

“He would give anything—would rather die—than see his his wife and children hurt or unhappy,” you concluded, breathing heavily.

Eddie watched you for a second and contemplated your words. He’d never really thought of it that way before. Yes Miles was a character you could empathize with, his loss of the ones he loved…but…

“But he couldn’t die,” Eddie muttered.

“No he couldn’t.”

“So what would you pick then?” Eddie challenged. “A normal life with someone you loved, grow old, and die together…or an eternal carefree life?”

“Eddie, eternity isn’t carefree,” you deadpanned as you picked up the book and shook it at him. “Case in point.”

“Ok fine…you can live forever and do whatever you want,” he started and looked around the study room for a second to come up with some idea. “But…your eternal nemesis is a snail that will kill you if it finds you and touches you.”

“What the fuck?”

“Answer the question ma’am, the audience is waiting,” Eddie spoke into an imaginary microphone and then held it to you across the table.

“I would take the normal life, Monty,” you answered.

“Interesting,” Eddie leant back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest.

“Really heavy second date questions here.”

“Thank you. Gotta know if I’m gonna keep you.”

“You’re not getting rid of me that easily,” you replied and shook your head. “I already kissed you after you said you’d drink trash juice.”

“Ha fucking ha.”

“Alright, spotlight’s on you now,” you held the imaginary microphone to your lips now. “Edward Munson. Normal life with someone you loved, or a carefree eternity?” You held it out to him.

“You forgot about the snail Alex,” Eddie spoke into the microphone.

“Clock’s ticking,” you urged and hummed the Jeopardy theme song.

“If I really had to choose, sure a normal life with you would be my choice sweetheart.” He winked and watched you fidget again.

“But I think we’re missing one key factor here. Miles didn’t know he was immortal until his kids were grown, until his wife was old. Otherwise, I would bet he would have definitely had them drink from the spring too. Both of the brothers had the same idea.

“So if, if we’re playing by Tuck Everlasting rules here,” Eddie leaned forward and spoke into the microphone, eyes never leaving yours, never blinking. “I think I would say ‘why couldn’t we have both?’”

[anomaly-beans]

o/ 23, 24, 25, 26, and 30 for.... whoever can solve the immortal snail problem (if noone can, whoever deals with it in the funniest way)

Uhhhh fuck it we go Kittie mode. She'd just constantly be on the move so the snail can't get her. Don't have to worry if you're constantly running around! (Either that or lock it up in a metal box and throw it into the deepest part of the zee. But that's a coward move and only a last resort)

23. stability or novelty?

Novelty most definitely. She'd probably want stability at first, but she's actively aiming higher with each passing day.

24. honesty or charity

Hmmm. Difficult. I'd say maybe honesty? Honestly (heh) I don't really see her wanting much of either.

25. safety or possibility?

Possibility all the way. This woman doesn't care about such a thing as "safety". She's living life on the wild side and throwing herself into situations.

26. talent or effort?

Talent. She's honestly not a fan of working hard, but sometimes she'll get her hands dirty (usually when she's like. Tearing apart a monster she killed.)

30. what would they do if they knew it would be forgiven?

She's not too much of a person that cares about forgiveness? This would be more of a question I'd have an answer for Merry instead, but. Well. I decided to do Kittie instead. Uhhhh probably slighting someone else to get herself in a higher position?