#the idea that there are people who grow up never being told theyre a burden and how put-upon their parents or guardians are for having to

[kohakhearts]

there are plenty of fan theories out there that make me :/ but every time i have to see someone suggest that the durs/leys treated harry badly because he was a horcrux and they were affected by it it honestly makes me want to cry like do you even realize what youre suggesting with that. “there is something innately evil in this child, which cannot be removed, that makes us so miserable we need to punish him for existing”… how many children get told by their parents that its THEIR fault we’re broke, your father and i divorced, we can’t go somewhere else, we’re always fighting, etc. and kids like that grow up feeling like theres something irrevocably wrong with them, something that makes them inherently unloveable. that makes the people they care about suffer, just for being near to them. right.

[hoesie-blog1]

whaddup its me ella with josie as a muse n ur watching hawkings channel!

this is basically just me rambling around josie and im really sorry if none of it makes sense i tried xx

she group up in a small town where everyone knew everyone, they all thought the same, and they hated the idea of being different or going out of the norm like everything had to be the same  n nothing could b  different

she grew up in a household where  she  was told what to do, what to think, how to act, etc. growing up she never had the ability to really grow as her own because her family and town were the ones molding her the entire time and she hated that like josie hated how everyone was the same and that she didnt really know who she was like? she just knew how she was SUPPOSED to be not how she really was u know?

once high school graduation came around, josie bounced hella fast from her town and family and decided to travel. her parents hated that bc they said all  she’d ever need was what  the  town was giving her and josie was like lmfao WHAT and  they were like yes! stay! and then when she kept  refusing  they  said if she left the town then thatd b it for her. like theyd support her finanically (which wasnt much bc their family wasnt really rich and the only reason  why they said  they’d support her fiananically was in case  josie ended  up getting  somewhere high  in life and they wanted her money  when josie made it big if she ever did). 

anymemes josie took it and left. she travelled with what she had saved up and probs went to like. canada or something because  lets b real she didnt have much saved up n canada was already pushing it lowkey. bitch isnt rich she cant afford to leave north america. 

during her travels the main point of it all  was to find  herself and find answers that she  needed  to finish the puzzle that is josie  ahn’s true self and she thot it was going to work bc  she heard traveling  alone lets u discover herself and ya that worked but she found out she had magic running through her veins n shes like word so  i wanted a puzzle piece  and got a whole ass different puzzle instead? word ok ok  ok 

so  that happened. after her travels in canada she was more confused  than ever and attended hawkings. she was still confused, still doesnt kno who she  is, now shes a literal witch w powers. cute! 

when she heard about the circle/other witches in hawkings ig she decided to join so maybe it would give her answers she needs bc shes confused n honestly she’ll literally try anything once like. when it came  to possibly killing someone she didnt hesitate she just said ok lets do it!

morally speaking, i dont think josie has much of a compass bc ig she  had  one before in  the town  but honestly  she despises everything they taught her and told her to b so she doesnt  care much about  her compass so i guess shes not really morally  good n leans more morally bad just bc shes like lmfao i dont know who i am ill  do anything  once idc if the devil is the one cheering me on for it. ill b the devil if thats who im supposed to b type of thing u kno? 

shes literature major n is HOE (not only for dicks n vaginas!) for reading and writing n comics!!!!!

she writes everything that goes around her whether its experiences,  conversations she had, or conversations  she over heard like  she just. writes write  writes and writes

she  writes characters  hoping she’ll be able to resonate with her and  make her feel like o wow this character is  ME! u  kno like  shes writing to find herself shes using her characters almost  like test  trials i guess u  could say  

she lives for  comics and superheros bc of the origin  stories that superheros have u kno? they all start off not knowing who they are  and theyre  confused as josie  but along their storyline, they find themselves and thats what josie wants  like she wants 2 be like them n find out who she is. is she the devil? is she a hero? are we dating? are we fucking? are we  best friends? are we something? u know its just all the  questions 

her main point  is finding answers thats all this hoe bitch wants  she wants answers she wants to know y  she has these powers n who shes supposed 2 b someone educate josie on josie pls she begs

when it  comes to magic, she  has a love/hate for it? she likes the advantags and thrills it gives her, but she  hates how it feels like a burden on herself bc its ANOTHER THING she has to understand about herself u feel but she’d never  tell anyone that u kno shes in the circle she  doesnt want them knowing that she lowkey hates her magic 

uhmmmm what  else is there??? 

o ya she  loves the devil lettuce just because she likes how honest and free  people are when theyre  high and how good the body feels like its not tense its all relaxed and the  food  is good and the music  is SO FUCKIN GOOD ITS  LIKE UR HAVING UR OWN CONCERT ESPEICALLY WHEN U LAY ON UR BED GOD I WISH I HAD  AN EDIBLE FOR THIS A NUT

but ya she’ll write little things while shes high or tries to rmemeber  how  people are

shes a lowkey follower i guess u can call her bc  she’ll try anything and test it out to see if its her but for the most part she tries to be independant but right now she  cant b  bc shes taking other  peoples ideas n trying to make them her own but its hard bc she grew up sharing other people ideas n keeping  them the  way they are so she finds it hard to change them bc they lowkey end  up being the same as everyone else still

loves a good party. a hoe. will literally do anything once it could b an activity, a hobby, a person, literallly anything. she’ll  literally  try  anything once. 

anything. 

I FORGOT  THIS BUT UH BASICALLY SHE DOESNT KNOW ANYONE IN HER  FAMILY W MAGIC SHE GREW UP HER ENTIRE LIFE NOT KNOWING ABOUT IT UNTIL SHE FINALLY  FOUND  OUT SHE HAD IT N SHE WAS LIKE WTF???? THE  ONLY  FAMILY SHE KNOWS IS HER IMMEDIATE FAILY SHE DONT KNOW HER EXTENDED  OK 

thats it for josie (or for now bc i cant think of anything) buT  YAH! THATS IT! pls plot w me xx we can make it ugly or cute xxxx

[tumblunni]

Also yeah while im on the subject

I really hate fantasy settings where magic is limited by biological sex. Because usually its used to enforce some sort of stupid gender stereotype that the writer believes is "biologically innate" rather than predjudice, by making up a world where it actually is biologically innate. Or its like "oh but women cant do those jobs" but again, a made up excuse for it to be LITERALLY TRUE. And usually they either dont even touch on the subject of trans and gay people (since it often conflates heterosexuality with gender...) or else it actually does bring it up and just creates a cavalcade of even more everything-ism...

Like i mean i love the game Jade Coccoon and considering it came out in the early 2000s i can understand it being more sexist, and its supossed to be a dark game anyway and a lot of the societal structures in Syrus Village are meant to be wrong and evil even if the characters act like its the way the world should be. The villain of the game is basically the toxic atmosphere of your shitty town and their paranoia of things they don't understand. Tho that means the player kinda has no motivation to finish it cos the main conflict is also saving those same villagers from dying and theyre all fucks. Anyway i'm going offtopic! What i mena is that i dont think it was a particularly sexist example of the inexplicable gender segregated magic trope. But just cos its a fave game of mine im gonna pick it to talk about anyway. Hope i dont sound too negative on it, cos seriously i love it loads!

Ok so to use Jade Cocoon as an example, here its a thing that only men can be cocoon masters and only women can be nagi. Tho it also gets a bit complicated because nagi is also an ethnicity as well? Its kinda like being romani, they're a race of displaced people who travel the world giving their magical services to other countries while searching for their lost homeland, which you end up finding at the end of the game. So yeah its extra weird cos male children of the nagi race are born with no powers whatsoever and cant even become cocoon masters, yet they get the ruling position in this homeland place? Like thats a better metaphor for how christian societies work, honestly!

Anyway im going offtopic again!

Basically, cocoon master = adventurer dude who catches monsters, nagi = magician who purifies those monsters so you can use them in battle. So when you catch stuff it becomes an inventory item rather than being able to use it on your team right away. And also nagi women can fuse monsters together to make super badass new ones and basically the gameplay system works really well to make you believe your wife is absolutely necessary to your quest and you would die without her, even if she cant fight. And honestly its actually kinda romantic! I just wish it wasnt presented as this weird sacred heterosexuality arranged marriage nonsense where all women are physically unable to go to a dungeon and all men are physically unable to not fight every day. Or at least thats how the powers work and if you try and step out of that role you fuckin die. Like it would be romantic to have a couple of a battle partner and a supporter magician if they actually chose it, yknow?

And whats annoying is that they actually do bring up the subject of people defying gender roles and canonically state that you not omly die but bring a curse upon everyone and are hated forever. They dont mention trans or gay people, instead the excuse is that a man loved his wife so much that he tried to learn nagi magic to lift the burden from her. Cos oh yeaj women get 'punished' by god for doing this magic?? Cursed tattoos all over their body the more they use it, and everyone hates them and eventually they turn into a fairy and forget they were ever human. And in the japanese version you can actually fight other nagi women who met this fate, theyre just another monster that you can fight and capture. They were censored in english cos they looked like really racist stereotypes of black women! Ugh! So yeah anyway nice straight husband is punished by the magic straightness enforcing rules of the universe for loving his straight wife too much. So what is the even point? If a man tries to use nagi magic it creates the "black cocoon" of cursed doomness and blah. Literal punishment for not conforming to gender. Damned if you do, damned if you don't!

Anyway this setting always made me wonder about all the stuff it just glosses over with this implication that every one of these relationships worked out fine. Like even before we rub lgbtq topics all over a retro videogame, there's a lot of logical holes! Like seriously how many of these arranged marriages ended up loveless or abusive? How many women just didnt want to stay confined to one room forever and not even have anyone look at them because their magic markings are shameful yet its also shameful not to want to do it?? How many men were terrified of going out on this advebture fighting literal demigods sent by heaven to punish humans? How many of them just had no ability to fight and died immediately because of shitty traditions, while perfectly qualified women had to sit there and watch it happen? What if there werent enough straight men and women of the same age and people were forced into gross pedophilic shit or other horror scenarios just cos there has to be this one magical straight couple or the village dies? Whenever theres this stupid gender magic its ALWAYS portrayed as idyllic and never failing ever, unless *gasp* people dont follow the gendrules...

And then SERIOUSLY do no queer people exist in this universe?? Man i'd be so interested in their stories! I actually had an oc idea of a self insert version of me as a travelling merchant. Because maybe what if nonbinary people could do both sides of the magic at once and thus adventure alone without being tied to a village's straight marriage system? So i'd just go around purifying monsters and then be a place you could buy new and rare mons from other villages without having to catch them. Maybe an easier way to get the super rare drop fusion materials for tiger pattern and stuff? And like seriously itd be good to have a character to talk to who agrees that your village is made of assholes. I cant say its bad writing cos it was clearly intentional, but they shoulda at least put a bit more incentive to keep playing even if you didnt care about these people. Also it would help plug the plothole of how a village even survives if it doesnt have the required people to form this magical straight marriage. Have some mysterious enby avengers who travel all across the world and save everyone regardless of country! All we ask is you buy some of our lovely souveniers! Maybe a pet patalchu for your family? Seripusly why dont they ever show anyone using the purified monsters for anything other than fighting the unpurified ones? You'd think they'd be really useful in repairing the village and guarding the walls and like..regular industrial jobs. Help the place actually advance and not have to live day to day on scraps,bickering amoungst themselves as the monsters grow ever closer to breaking through. Hell, you could even have them help spin the cocoons for other monsters! If this magic only depends on having a dick or not, then cant we just dress up some animals in the magic straight marriage outfits? XD

And like aaaa man im getting so emotional just imagining a trans woman who's constabtly told she will literally bring about the apocolypse if she tries to fill the female role in this ritual. And then one day she tries to spin the magic silk and she thinks she's committing the ultimate sin and they were all right. But the magic responds to her touch, and she makes a spell more beautiful than any other woman in the village! It would probably be harder for a trans man cos the magic doesnt have so much of an immediate proof like that. Just going out and winning a fight with a monster can be called "dumb luck", and knowing these assholes they'd probably keep calling it dumb luck even after the thousandth time you save their life!

And man, i wonder how gay relationships would work in such an annoyingly strict system of enforced heterosexuality? Would it be like the magic isnt REALLY gender locked at all, and it can just be any couple with either partner taking either role? Or would it be that it is one magic per gender but the bigoted villagers were wrong about it being impossible to do things without both? Like maybe when you're going into battle alone as a single cocoon master you cant fight without catching other monsters. But when two cocoon masters love each other their magic is amplified and they become able to like.. I dunno.. Imbue each other with elemental strength so they can fight the monsters hand to hand? Cos really the elemental system is the only reason you cant do a no monsters run of the game as it is. Maybe since they cant purify monsters but they can still catch them, they equip the monsters as sort of a power rangers transformation? Or socket them like materia on their weapons? Or just if the world was less segregated into tiny sexist racist villages they could simply buy the purification coccoons from another local nagi, and villages without a coccoon master could buy the services of travelling ones. Oh, and maybe two nagi lesbians could be even more badass! Cos if they can only purify and not fight, maybe their double purification is so strong that they can just straight up walk into the forest and monsters don't attack them. They dont even need to do the full spell, they can calm a beastie's rage just by holding out their hand and patting it on the head. So they coukd be infinately more effective and not have to just tenporarily clear single travelling routes of a few monsters, but actually work towards slowly purifying the entire forest and creating a peaceful land again. Tho i mean the game did have a unique atmosphere with the whole 'no hope of ever beating them' aspect. It was unique to see a society formed around the idea of never going into forests or you Die. But magical lesbians and their family of a million pet dragons is honestly better!

And uhhhh ive gone all offtopic now and i camt stop thinking about how much i love magical lesbians with a million pet dragons

The End

[thelifetimechannel]

[forethan21]

18/12/2020

To me love isnt about staying in a relationship or dwelling on a feeling. Love to me is bending but not breaking to compromise. It is the kind where you know when to let go in hopes to trust for the best to come, the kind where you empathise, showing vulnerability and completely surrender. (Remember when Jesus died for us in the cross? Diba he gave his all, his everything just so we can live. That should be a standard in our lives. To choose someone who would do anything to just be with us without questioning our worth. Never settle for someone who gives half of their heart. Its all or nothing.) The kind that is mature. Love is what you do despite of what you feel. The kind that fights for the good of someone else even if they never see the value or sacrifice that you did. (Thats what Jesus did. He never complained when he was on the cross. All the pain and burden he endured bc he loves us. And look at us now not even recognising how amazing he is. We took it this life for granted- some of us are wasting it, choosing people for our own accord and pleasure. Im saying this in general im not hinting it on anyone, but if the shoes fits then..) The kind that demands temporary surrender of security, giving up familiar bad habits and patterns, giving unrewarded works and efforts. The kind that challenges you in so many ways. Love wasnt made to be comfortable. It was made to show change and growth.

Not gonna lie tho i loved you for you and everything youve done. Those memories are dear to me bc i knew you tried no matter how difficult it was to love me in some days. Kaya gusto ko lng magpasalamat dun. Likewise, something i learned recently was that we should never question someone elses love for us regardless if it was inadequate. Bc i realised we should be thankful for the amount of love and care we receive from any person out there. Family, friends, lovers. That itself should be enough. Its not up to us how much love they should give to make us feel satisfied. That wouldn’t be love. The greatest love you could ever receive should come from you and the Lord not from anybody else. So i just wanna tell you that i take back those times i questioned your love. Bc what you gave was already enough.

Im sorry i couldnt wait for you to change. Bc i realised if you knew how to love me the very first time I wouldnt need to tell you anything. I wouldnt feel hurt bc im rest assured that you love me enough to know what to do. It didnt feel mutual to me.

When u came bck with your letter idk it seemed like there was something missing. Committment and plans. Maybe i was hoping that youd take me back but i guess it was the opposite. And maybe that was your answer after all. To tell me that you arent staying. I hope next time you go into a relationship po, you dont assume the worst. You dont jump into conclusions when it gets tough. Bc like anything can change if youre willing to do it. You need to trust the the other side will stay. It was the way your mindset was so fixed on the idea that I will leave. That i was making excuses. Ndi pow. I jst have standards. Oo tao ka lng, you make mistakes but how do i know tht youre not gonna make the same mistake again? Im jst protecting my heart po. I guess i dont wanna experience the same trauma again.

I hope someday na you will learn to see the good in people regardless if they did u wrong pow. (idk lng ha pero I dont think youve moved on sa ex mo pow. I feel like you havent fully forgiven her and accepted what has happened. I know it hurts to know that they betrayed you like that but your worth is not defined by them po. You did your best po and if she did not recognised that then thats her loss. This is partly what keeps u holding bck. Bc u didnt get closure. I hope you reflect on that and find the closure that you need po. Dont tell me you dont need one bc i know deep in your heart that it still hurts. Like bruh the fact na sure na sure ka na sa kanya u were ready to put a ring on her finger. You were hopeful and certain. I think it was meant to happen to test you both in your worst. You had your mistakes. She had hers. Dont you think you should close tht chapter of your life before starting a new one? Or more importantly, dont you think you deserve peace? Ill leave you to think bout tht). I wasnt trying to find something wrong jst to let you go. If i did i wouldnt put myself in a situation where I will lose my friends po.

Ethan i understand you. I understand your fear of giving too much to someone who youre unsure of and thats fine. But you need to accept the consequences of your mistakes. You need to take responsibility of it and what you couldve done to fix it. (Reflection is very important.) Youre not wrong for not knowing that but again you need to reflect in every situation in your life. It doesnt matter if you were right or wrong. Its important to do this bc the next time it will happen to you, you will know what to do. reflecting really helps you to step back and understand yourself, other people and the surroundings. It helps with analysing your own feelings, emotions and as well as understanding the depth of your own thinking. You need to consider other people’s feelings too. Understand their point of view and why they did things that way. 

I told you yesterday that what happened in the past does not define you. You may have done them so wrong but i hope your realise youre not in debt to them. I remember your story about what you did to the girl. Yung trauma mo sa kanya you gotta let it go pow. You dont need to blame yourself every day for something that youve no control of. You did it out of anger. and she threatened you bc she has her personal issues as well. She was showing wat kind of person she was. It does not put a label on u. So far as I know you havent apologised to urself for what had happened and u havent forgiven her for what shes done. Whenever youre mad po dont let your emotions get the best of you. Give space and time. Step back from the situation and reflect. count to ten and reorganise your thoughts and feelings. What happened? what made me feel that way? what can i do to fix this? 

The way i see it lng ha pero it felt like youre pitying yourself. And i want o reassure you that i recognised all you did to keep this relationship. The fights where you communicated with me, the times where you waited for me to explain, the support you give, and how you made me happy each single day. What youve done until this day is enough. I cant emphasise it enough. Ndi ko yun binalewala lahat. I saw your effort. Thats why i fought for u. Bc alam ko ndi ka ganun na tao. Kc alam ko na they have perceived you wrong. I saw the good in you. I saw that youre worthy of change. Everyone does pow. That was the purpose of it all.

But ldr is frickin hard. Being in a relationship is difficult enough let along ldr. Jst thinking about the amount of trust u hav for ur partner dang.. you need to fully invest on trust yo. How to overcome and resolve issues esp if theyre like me haha. Its hard for sure to do tht kc even ako may trust issues but it is possible. But as of now theres many areas in your life that you need to fix alone. Im not saying that im right ha. I could be wrong in so many areas about you that idk of but this is based on knowing you for months. im not saying you have a problem internally cuz we all have problems po What im saying is that there are some things we need to learn from others as well. Its a matter of listening and comprehending what theyre tryna relay and teach u.

Also asking for help isnt a weakness. (Idk but i cud feel you were mad that I reached out to your mother. Bro i know na kaya mo nman maging independent and i know na ayaw mo lng maburden yung parents mo with your problems on top of theirs but its gud that alam din nla ang anak nla is struggling and needs emotional support.) Its realising that we are deserving to feel and be emotionally supported. so dont ever feel bad for reaching out and admitting that youre struggling. after all were only human.

Though i never said anything i lowkey promised that I would not give up on you (sinsabi ko sa sarili ko to) bc i wanted to show you what its like for someone to stay. You told me about your past and struggles and i did everything i can for that not to happen again. You told me what broke your heart and I nver wanted you to feel anything like that in the relationship. More like i ensured that my intentions for you are pure. But somewhere along the way i came to realise that we both need to grow seperately. Not bc i gave up on you but bc i decided to think about myself and what i needed. I dont wanna text you and talk to u bc i respect you that much to know that this isnt the right time for both of us.

Being the way i am right now is for the best. Were both healing and getting the peace we need. God knows what Hes doing with us and i keep you in my prayers at night. Maybe someday down the line well meet again, at the right time. God will decide tht for us but for now ill be supportive of you in the silence. I dont wanna be civil cuz i know itll jst hurt you more esp since you have strong feelings for me. Dont worry my love for you will remain unconditional. But one thing i cant promise tho is that idk if my love for u will stay. We dont know what the future will bring. We may find our happiness in diff places. We may find it together. But all i know is i trust God to dictate my life. Thank you Ethan. Kahit paano i felt your unconditional love din. You can text me anytime if you need anything. Ill be here nman pow.

[jess-oh]

reflection

hello journal! i finally was able to sleep through the entire night yesterday without suddenly waking up once. it was really refreshing! i had trouble finding the motivation to get out of bed this morning but still managed to get up around 7:05am. I pooped, I talked with Amanda about everything yesterday, I got to briefly vent and process with Rachel last night, and now we're here! And I do really feel a lot better now. I have a much better idea of what to do and where to go from here. I'm glad. And Rachel pointed out something interesting to me yesterday. I keep coming back to the story about how I always poured so much of myself into extracurriculars because it was an area that I could excel in but whenever I got home, my parents just saw the part of me that was tired and exhausted and that they deemed to be lazy and unproductive. And I am constantly trying so hard to prove myself now in every aspect of my life to prove that I am good enough or that I am worth something. But I will always harbor some form of bitterness towards my parents for making me feel like I wasn't worth anything even when I tried so hard and did so much. To me, it just felt like despite everything I was trying to do, it wasn't enough. And I finally came to the point where I wasn't sure if it ever would be enough and left wondering what more I could possibly do because I feel like I've already exhausted every other option. And this is definitely something I need to confront my parents about but want to figure out how to word correctly first. Because I definitely want it to come from a place of me just being very honest with them and not trying to accuse them of anything but genuinely wanting them to understand the damage and lasting effect their words have had on me and why they have led me to try so hard now. And why I don't feel like I can trust them or rest in them. Because I feel like they're always going to expect to me step up and do something, even when I feel the need to rest. I always get back up so quickly because I don't think I can take any more time resting. I'm just wasting time the longer I stay down. I have to get back up and do my job and prove myself as a servant, as a daughter, as a person, as a hardworker. Prove that I'm at least worth something in this world. I'm still unsure whether or not I should ditch college hour altogether for the summer and hangout with Catalyst people instead or if I should give college hour a try. I know that it has a lot to do with my heart and I don't want to just take the easy way out and hangout with Catalyst just bc it's easier for me to get along with them than with people in Movement. But is that such a bad thing? To just hangout with people that I get along with better, I know will give me solid advice and challenge me to do better, and have a more restful time overall? Instead of feeling like I always have to serve? I'm thinking of stepping down from leading a mission workshop for VBS because while it is something I want to do, I don't know if it'd just be too much work for me to do on top of everything else right now. And I also don't want to disappoint Jenny and be a flake/unreliable. But I also don't know if I'm doing so much for VBS to just prove I'm worth something to Jenny, who is my maternal figure. Or if it's just become a burden to me because I'm afraid that if I don't do something, no one else will. And I know how much effort Jenny puts in and I always feel bad that no one ever sees it as that big of a priority/responsibility to volunteer. But, it does seem like Lakeview is changing. Way more people decided to show up for both decor days this year whereas we lacked in numbers last year. Even just for our meetings, they were way smaller. Things are happening. God is moving. We are growing. And I'm glad. Because it also means that I can finally rest. If I really wanted to, I think I could put something together for the mission workshop. But hearing about having to perform the VBS songs, six of them, on stage and memorize the motions—most of which I really do not know right now. That's a lot of work! And I want to practice a lot and just focus on doing that and taking good care of my kids and leading them throughout the event. Making sure no one is left behind and that they're all well loved and cared for. AAAAAAA, I SENT THE MESSAGE! Hopefully Jenny takes it okay! I just.I really want to learn how to rest so that I can serve better and care more. When I'm tired—physically and/or mentally, I am much more limited in what and how much I can do. I want to do better. I want to be better. I want to grow. And i can't take care of people if I myself am not doing well. I want to take a step back from college hour but I'm also afraid of leaving the burden to David and P. Josh. But I also need to believe and have faith that they can function fine without me. They don't need me. I can help but I'm not necessary. And that's okay. It's a huge burden and weight off my shoulders as well. I've avoided resting thus far. I've tried so hard to keep my fists clenched over the past and things that have hurt me and made me bitter and scarred. But I don't want to do that anymore. It's just left me feeling miserable and alone. I need to change in order for my life to change. I have to break this toxic cycle that I've found myself in. I need to stop and let go and then move forward from here. I'm really glad I got to talk things out with Amanda yesterday. I was very honest and open and she actually took it very well. She apologized that her actions led me to feel the way that I did. And it was also somewhat reassuring to hear how other people do appreciate my efforts and what I do and what I've done. And I had no idea she felt a bit jealous that they praised my name so highly but whenever it came to Amanda it was just, "Oh yeah! You're fun to be around!" and nothing deeper than that. It really did pain me to see Amanda and Johnathan because it just served as a reminder that theyre moving on and I don't have anyone left to rely on. Johnny stepped down from new MAST, not that we were ever that close anyway, Jason and I are still fighting constantly, and Amanda and Johnathan are moving on. Paired with the fact that Jason, Johnathan, and Amanda have already graduated or are graduating soon, I was pretty upset. Being able to confess all those things to Amanda and clearing the area between us both gave me some much needed closure. And in marinating in these thoughts, I began to question the basis of our friendship or if it had always just been me clinging to her and forcing her to open up and be deep but us never naturally actually being friends. Being able to just spend time with her and run errands together restored my hope in our friendship. I know now that she is definitely someone I can rely on and I hope she knows she can always rely on me too. I do believe she has grown. She does seem more confident and clear-minded and focused now. And I'm really proud of her, who she is, and who she is growing to be. Rachel also gave me some pretty solid advice and told me people can tell when I'm not being genuine and that's probably the reason I don't get along with a lot of people. I want to take this summer to rest, reassess, and do better in the future. Striving to be very intentional, present, and deliberate. I do want to care and take care of everyone because thats how I feel towards them. Not out of trying to uphold a certain image or serve for the sake of my "job" as a MAST member. But because I do genuinely care and want the best for them. This is what I want.And I'm going to do it. Thank you for everything you have done for me and all of us, God.We really don't deserve it but you did it anyway. Thank you.Amen.

[trickstarbrave]

im gonna say as an academic: academia is academia. you can try to utilize it for empowerment and education on this blue hell, but there is nothing in academic jargon that will be able to rewrite lived experiences

“well queer theory exists and that means queer is a good word to use-- its in academia! its a whole field of study!” i thought this too, as a dumbass academic baby. but as you actually fucking work through academia, unless you have your head up your own ass and get taught by professors who think theory is the end all be all of life: its just ways academics communicate with EACH OTHER so that they can then educate other people. theory is the foundation of understanding the ideas of activism, and is also not the fucking word of god. theories are being brought up, challenged, debated, changed, discussed, dissected, and more every single day. 

theory is a conversation. its a complicated jargon filled conversation about research and ideas and hypotheses that ppl w degrees have w other ppl w degrees. 

so yeah ‘queer theory’ exists, and its existance does not mean a 15 year old doesnt go every day of their lives being called a “filthy fucking q*eer” by their peers and family. a word is not fully reclaimed until it becomes entirely useless to the oppressive population. 

so yes, all identities in the lgbt community can (debatably) be classified as insults or slurs. which is why if someone asks you not to call them that, you fucking dont. 

sure, if a kid messages you saying “queer is a slur you cant use it to describe YOURSELF” theyre wrong. you can frankly call yourself whatever, including ‘harmful’ words if you could or have been called it. 

and i know my stupid disabled ass keeps comparing it to the word cr*pple but yeah it is like that to me. growing up that word has only ever had horrible connotations to it. saying it was to dehumanize another person, to basically indirectly tell them their lives had no value and they would be better off dead. every single associating with the word has never been positive. it meant ‘waste of space’ it meant ‘burden on everyone around them’ it mean ‘disgusting’ it meant ‘so ugly you shouldnt make other people look at you’. and to some people i bet going years or their whole lives and being able to turn their back on those associations was incredibly powerful. 

but to me, no reasoning or similarities can separate that word in my mind from what i know most people take it to mean. i dont care if you are the most loving, friendly person i know, you are disabled and donate all your money to disability charities and fucking kiss puppies and cure them of parvo-- if you call me ‘cr*pple’ because you think calling me it over and over will erase the negative, flat out dehumanizing connotations i have told you and you know exist in wider society, just bc youre a ‘nice person’ and ‘its okay is disability activism’ i will be fucking pissed off at you beyond belief.

intend behind a word is only part of it. but lgbt ppl do not magically transition from straight cis society into ~q*eer society~--where everyone can just be called ~q*eer~ and it means only normal, postive things, and they never have to worry about a cishet person throwing that insult at them as a not-so-subtle way to tell them their existence means they should be dead--the second they realize they arent cishet.

tl;dr: peoples day to day lives arent fucking q*eer theory nancy, im sorry your shit teachers never actually taught you what the fuck theory is used for--talking with OTHER ACADEMICS--so yeah a 15 year old on a microblogging platform who doesnt fucking want you to fucking call them q*eer despite *gasp* a body of academia very far removed from day to day life of lgbt ppl, maybe its bc they have been hurled it as an insult and dont feel like ‘getting over it’ bc you read a bunch of papers in school and you go to activist events 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

 im really tired of this drama for the sake of drama scenarios that keep coming up. like theyre completely avoidable but people choose really selfish and self centered ways of doing things and then dont even take into account the amount of people it affects. our friend was late for fishing so he left without him but didnt bother to say anything about it and just left while our friend was in transit. i mean, theyre both pretty rude. hes rude for being late, hes rude for leaving without notice. but no one cares that at 5am, our friend showed up at my house and then slept in my bed for the next 5 hours before deciding to head over to his friends house for a bbq. no one cares how that inconvinienced my day. no one cares that i didnt want to do that, or have our friend over at 5am but i'm not that selfish. i'm not soo self centered that i would turn away our friend at 5am when he's upset. it's not the right thing to do, so of course i invited him in. but he had no desire to listen to any of my problems. i couldnt talk to him about any of my plans or desires. the next day i asked  our friend to come over so i could grab and he did but he had hit his car in a parking lot and wanted zip ties to secure something. i tried to help but he was downstairs and didnt want to get up and find zip ties for our friend. so our friend took it upon himself to go downstairs himself where he was promptly yelled at for bothering him. today our friend called me five times from 8am and when i finally answered he just wanted to chat about how he wasnt mad anymore and wanted to be a limo driver and other such nonsense. i thought about how many times the calls interrupted my day, created anxiety for me, made me think i was being a shitty friend for not answering. even once i did answer he called back later when i was trying to sleep! i sent a simple text to him saying our friend was no longer mad and wanted to be a limo driver now. this was more just commentary on something that happened in my day. at the end of the day i recieve a long message telling me how he doesnt need to be reminded of this annoyance and is trying to distance himself from other ppls bullshit and if im not getting in the middle of it then why am i saying anything. i felt caught off guard - mostly because i didnt do anything. all i did was comment on something in my own day and now he was triggered to the point of attempting to take it out on me. i told him it was a joke and meant to be a joke and i had no idea he was still annoyed and that he should speak up so i dont invite people to his house because i dont care whether or not hes friends with anyone, quite frankly. but dont trap me into scenarios which cause drama and upheaval because i made a single comment about someone and you failed to mention that you dont even like this person. then he replies that its "his fault" and he just doesnt want to deal with it because it "already ruined fishing, it ruined his afternoon and now its ruining his dinner". i simply replied, "cool, same here". because he never takes into account how much something may be "ruined" by his behavior and attitude. what about me? what about the fact that i asked to stop "dealing with our friend's bullshit" in february when he made inappropriate remarks to me? or the fact he was willing to give drugs to him - on several occasions - despite knowing that im really not down with it at all? but we've continued, for four more months, until the breaking point became him being late for fishing. please. this has continually ruined my general life experience for the past year. the two main people in my life are two of the shittiest people to be considered "main" people in my life. a schizoid drug dealer whom i met through a girl i can no longer even consider a friend because she is equally as crazy and a guy who is best known for being the catalyst of his best friend committing suicide because he fucked his best friends girlfriend. this is a terrible landscape of my life right now and literally all i can do is continually displace myself from THEIR bullshit because the amount of inconvinience they place on to my life far outweighs whatever inconvinience they feel from each other or from me. the thing is though - i dont "trust" my gut fully. i'm actualy more inclined not to trust my gut but my gut is continually right about a logical outlook on someone or their behavior and what that could define in their morality and ways of thinking and acting towards people. my gut told me my first boyfriend was kind of an asshole and that we didnt truly have much in common and that i was filling a role he wanted me to. i knew this, but i continued for many years. my gut told me my abusive ex was an absolute piece of shit but i stayed with him out of pure desperation because i honestly thought it would be better than this and honestly it is not. my gut tells me my current relationship is a real relationship but neither of us are capable of having a real relationship based on our own personal issues and demons and lack of emotional maturity. it's like equal contributions to why it doesnt work at a level we both want it to. we both want to have a mature adult relationship. we both understand to a degree how mature adult relationships work. we are not in any capacity mature adults. we are overgrown teenagers struggling with basic life skills, possibly on a level that is even more of a struggle than our average peer, trying to pretend that we are in fact adults and capable of managing a relationship. we are not though. ive been in long term relationships and understand that bringing up things like "its my fault" or "your right/wrong" doesnt actually add anything to the relationship. admitting it's "your fault" doesn't do much; putting into action - "i'm sorry i misinterpretated what you were saying but im definitely not into hanging out with him any time soon" is far better. but its not up to me to "police" how he should speak. it's up to him to decide that this method of communication is a lot more fair for both parties. it allows him the freedom to express what he wants and thinks while respecting that i'm someone with my own brain and individuality. but thats not where we're at. you cant force maturity. you accept this persons level of maturity or you find someone who has passed that level or possibly wait it out? but waiting it out is a fucking gamble and that's the gamble i've decided to take. you know, i'm not entirely prepared for an adult relationship where i literally contribute equally to the relationship as a whole.  i'm not ready for that in myself as a person. as an individual, my life would not benefit from a relationship with a partner giving to me equal to what i give - we would both starve and live on the streets and drive each other bat shit crazy and smoke endless amounts of weed. that's a really terrible life. but at the same time an equal partner to him would be someone unstable, someone who plays with monogamy, someone unwilling to pay into the relationship and carrying burdens of past lovers. someone who has a short temper and bad attitude, who is outspoken on their hatred of the world and people around them and brutally honest regarding split second thoughts and emotions they have towards those people. he wouldnt put up with it. honestly. so neither of us are ready to ask for much in a partner because we are not giving much in return. either of us. and thats a hard thing to accept and like.. i think even my doctor might have an askewed opinion on this because he wants to see me as a victim; maybe ive portrayed myself as such but we are not looking at the other side of things. who is this person and why are they in my life? why do they remain to be a significant person in my life by their own volition? they choose this. something in them wants to see me succeed and be healthy and do well and feel loved and cared for. that does not mean they are _responsible_ for my success, healthy or wellbeing. they are semi-responsible for giving love and care because of the definitions of the relationship they created but theyre not responsible for MAKING me FEEL loved and cared for. i have to accept the knowledge that they love me. so yes - why is he not "helping me"? thats what it comes down to. why am i not receiving some kind of "help" from him? but why is he responsible in giving this help? why are the parameters of an assumed healthy relationship by other people who may or may not even be in healthy relationships being put on something private and considerably always one sided as no one accept our mutual friend has seen our relationship grow? it's almost antiquated, but not naive or dumb, to think because hes a man, because he makes money, because he fucks me and loves me, that he should support me. that he should give me a place to live. give me money. offer it to me. why? where the fuck does it say that anywhere? that's not the stipulation upon fucking someone and that's actually a hard thing for people to swallow i think. maybe its a really ultra feminist idea -- just because a man fucks you doesnt mean he owes you anything other than like.. respect of consent. he doesnt even really owe you a ride home. honestly. he doesnt even owe you a drink or dinner. you made an adult decision to give yourself up to this man and he doesnt owe you shit in return. of course, it goes both ways. he buys her a drink - she doesnt owe him anything either. no one owes anyone anything. it's all a matter of your own free will and choice in how you will behave. what kind of person is fucking anyone because they bought them a drink anyways? but thats simplifying - over exaggerating, even. its the guy that asks a girl on a date and spends 150$ on dinner and buys an expensive bottle of wine and takes her to a concert he bought the tickets for; but he doesnt get laid. its now frowned upon - like he struck out on it. like she owed him her body because he decided to spend all this money. but just because youre in a "relationship" -- which is self defined to begin with. like the basic of it is two people who are close and know a lot about each other and spend time with each other and are possibly intimate. thats it. thats all the fuck there is. they owe you nothing in the past present or future. its just two fuckig people spending time together. thats it. how they choose to spend that time is totally up to them and whatever makes them as a couple and as individuals happy. and when you cant find that balance you no longer spend time together and thus no longer have a relationship. i also though, have to break out of this old mind set i've had for years that is a really ignorant mind set brought on by upper middle class people degrading me and my upbringing. but it happened for so long and so often that it's hard not to now believe it and default to this line of thinking. i feel like i've been reprogramming my brain. and i have to or else i remain in limbo - i have anxiety about life and then i feel bad about not working and then i have anxiety about not working and cant work because it's all just a cycle and i've just been made to feel like such a piece of shit, such a subhuman because this is the path ive "chosen". but in a multiple choice scenario where your choices are given to you and you have to select one, your level of free will has been diminished. and thats the scenario you live in when you are in poverty. but i'm too sick to get out of poverty. i feel stupid in some ways for believing this doctor will help me get on disability and receive more money. but i just want to live. i just want to live and be able to survive without this constant anxiety and worry about how to eat let alone how to deal with issues i've been struggling with since my teenage years. so i'm really hopeful, on the inside, because it would be jynxing it to be hopeful on the outside. but i'm tryng to go with it. i'm trying ot believe that he's right and right now i am making myself sick, i am perpetuating the cycle by not trying all these avenues of help. instead of worrying about not working or having money, i'm just trying to be. i'm just trying to know that i am sick and it's not "my fault" and i'm not "a burden". it's "okay" that i'm not working right now. i wouldnt be capable of it if i tried. and those failures because i am sick and unable to succeed just add to the issue. so i am tryng to focus on what works for me. because i am doing "the right thing". i'm doing the few things i can do, what i'm supposed to do - it's atleast given me some results. i have a few projects on the go and one remains to be the most successful thing ive done in the past year of my life and the success i've gotten from it has been something i have consistently worked hard for and has given me a reason to perservere in some very dark moments. i dont think people realize that though. they just see it as this thing i like to do but i see it as one of the very few reasons to wake up and do something. i feel responsible to people i have build a decent relationship with even though i have discovered that everyone is a human being and all have flaws which make them difficult to work with at times. maybe a majority of the time, even, but this is how i created something that has a purpose to me. something that goes beyond financial gain and politics and drugs and death -- something that is just good. it's just nice and good. it's not poisoned - though it has been threatened to be. and it has taught me so many good lessons in life and business. its one of the best things i have done. i want to continue my belief in that and myself. i lost that in the past six months. i lost the confidence that i knew what i was doing but i was allowing other people to do shitty things, to take control, to take advantage when they didn't care. and it was okay they didnt care. but i cared. and now that ive shown that i cared i am receiving more positive feedback and gaining more respect including from people who did not really enjoy me before as a person. i believe the best steps i can take right now is to focus first and foremost on my health and mental well being; which is accepting that my mental health directly affects my physical health and thus i am not a bad person for being tired and feeling sick even if i'm physically active and eating healthy. secondly is to secure a foundation in which i can build a stable independent life on regardless of how that is secured - even if it is not viewed as positive in popular opinion, like disability. it doesnt matter because independent means seperate from other people so other peoples opinions dont actually matter in this scenario. even if that means losing close relationships - such as the one with him. if i have true belief that this is what is best for me and i am literally putting it into the action when i want nothing more but to die on a regular basis then it is worth losing a relationship for if it means i'm going to live until next year. if it means i have a personal reason to live until next year. third is to allow myself to follow my ideas through and promote a healthy work ethic in myself that will build towards better socializing and potential revenue streams. it does not matter right now that its not making money. i am not bill gates over here. i'm not trying to reinvent the wheel. i'm just trying to do me. it's not about how this "directly affects my life" because i "dont have money". i am not capable of earning money through normal ways and cleaning apartments is not sustainable or worthy of investing my time in when it doesnt benefit me in any way but a brief 50$ spent on weed to nurture myself from the experience. quick-cash scenarios are feeding the cycle, even if it seems beneficial short term. some of my ideas are artistic, some are more administrative with real potential to make money without relying on 20$ jewelry sales. i really want to elevate what i'm doing in all areas of my life because that level of attention to detail is what makes me feel good about myself. looking at what ive created and seeing it as aesthetically pleasing and professionally sound to my eye and recieving positive feedback for it makes me feel good about myself. and i deserve to feel good about myself and i'm not self absorbed; the things i do are very charitable and serve my community and peers as well as allow me to explore my thoughts and ideas creatively. it is very easy to feed into the very quick dim witted insults that i get about this though. "sure, i wish IIII could just sit at home and play on the computer getting diability but i have to work" -- at first response, we've both forgotten why i'm even sitting at home to begin with; why it's hard for me, why i would be getting disability. all that's seen is someone "sitting at home". they do not see the sickness. they do not experience the life i've lived. i've been contnually slashed at by almost everyone i've ever known and just gotten up like "okay, it's cool, i got this" and acted like everything was fine but i'm bleeding out and have been bleeding out for a long time. you just cannot fix this overnight. and it's only now even as i write this that i realize i havent even focused on myself like this in years. literally years. i've actually felt very surreal lately because this shift in focus like i dont know anything of whats happening becuse i dont know myself and this is new to me. i feel disconnected. but ive spent a long time analyzing other people. and their actions towards me. and how ive felt about their actions towards me. and how their actions affected my life afterwards. very rarely have i ever analyzed just myself. my own actions, my own desires, my own beliefs which have little to no influence from outside sources. my combining life experiences to form the opinions which make up who i am; not who i'm told i am by my parents or my boyfriend. just me. and for a very long time i would say or think that whatever i thought about things, whatever my opinions or beliefs were, they werent that important. they werent as important as what everyone else thought because i wanted to be seen as a good person because good people experience a positive life. i want to have a positive life. i didnt want to be around drugs or drunks or stupid people. i wanted to join groups and do good things and be altruistic. i wanted and maybe still want to in some ways, serve people. because everyone else is more important than i am. its taken me a very long time - like a stubbornly long time that is actually exactly how long it would take me because thats exactly who the fuck i am - to admit that not all people are good. like even if 50% were good, even if 70% were good, there are billions of people on this planet so 30% would still be a fucking shit load of people that more than likely are walking past you on the street. they gotta live somewhere. you cant pretend like absolutely none of the bad people that clearly exist in the world dont exist around you. and unfortunately, and i'm still really stubborn on this, i think the number is higher in terms of bad people. i see a lot of bad people on a regular basis. not even associated with me. just out in the world, people doing shitty things to other people. so i think i could almost safely say atleast half of the worlds population are probably assholes. so to live in the belief that you are not important perpetuates a serious amount of trauma and abuse by the sheer number of assholes who exist on this planet. you actually need to be much better prepared in order to really sift through who is an asshole and who is not an asshole. if you think you're a piece of shit then no one is an asshole because whatever anyone does, they're better than you anyways so how could it be "bad". how can you "complain". it's not downgrading the trauma thats experienced - for example, my abusive ex, but knowing i wasnt important allowed me to stay in the relationship. i perpetuated the abuse by staying and accepting i wasnt important. when i left, it stopped. and even if i think i'm not important, at 27 years in, i really also don't like trauma and abuse. i do not like those feelings even if feeling important is not "important". but in order to stop trauma and abuse, the number one thing that must change is not feeling or believing me or my thoughts or emotions are important. what i regularly would deem as selfish is self-sufficient. it's survival. my stubbornness in believing the world is good is causing me serious harm. people are not all good, they do not all have good hearts but it's okay because some are good. all of them are human beings with flaws, but some are good human beings with flaws. so the fourth most important thing right now is breaking and creating connections with the "right" people. i am tired of drug users. i have been tired of drug users since i was sixteen and i am still tired of them now. i have never known a good drug user. i have never wanted to remain friends with one. i have never become a regular drug user. i am constantly embarassed and ashamed of the times i spent on drugs. it's okay to be alone if it means not spending time with people you're not going to do anything with anyways and you don't feel a good connection with. i want to be heard. right now, i'm not being heard. i believe thats a serious flaw in my closest relationship but i believe the voices in his head are screaming so loud, even when he's trying to listen, he can't hear anything past his own bullshit. it's not for lack of trying. i would love for him to be finished being friends with our mutual friend. ive not wanted to be friends for sometime but he didnt particularly care. even though i respect the time ive had with our mutual friend and the help hes given me and the time hes spent with me when ive been feeling down - he has never been helpful. he has also only ever fed me weed and even harder drugs when i have been particularly down. he has hindered my recovery many times and triggered issues. the only reason he is in my life is so i can buy weed easily. and that in itself might be causing an issue in my life. the other week he handed me this book, "i'm okay - you're okay". he told me it was basically what i try to say to him; not the contents, just the title. and i guess that sums it up -- what i'm doing is "okay" and what he is doing is "okay". it hurts, yeah. because i'm a human being with flaws and emotions and my own issues and other people - many other people, not just him - will trigger these issues. a lady at the hospital coldly said, "to me, it might be nothing, to you, it might be everything". but it's true -- this might be nothing to someone else. ive occassionally thought successful marriages have docile women who have accepted that men can be ignorant and aggressive people by nature. everyone seems to have a story of an overzealous over the top angry man - even if they were just angry and no one was harmed. but to me, it's everything. to me, it triggers immediate fear and a response of crying and wanting to run away beause something bad is going to happen. it's not just being yelled at - something bad will happen. when he screamed at me on the weekend, things shifted. i could feel a level of embarassment; it wasn't like he was really trying to prove something. he knew it was a disgusting display, immature and extremely unhelpful for my particular situation. he wanted to quickly sweep it aside - just as he did again today when he realized i wasnt actually trying to start "something".