#the grief of 'holy fuck is this how normal people go through life? this is what i've been missing out on so long?'

[starfightrpilot]

man how the fuck do i keep forgetting to take my vyvanse, this shit rocks. i do in fact need to be taking this every day! like ok yeah you have to aim carefully with the hyperfocus laser but even then that's not a big deal because task switching isn't an issue, and initiating doesn't suck either!

i just spent an hour locked the fuck in deleting the 5000+ screenshots i don't need out of my photos app to kill time instead of just rotting in bed doomscrolling until business hours so i can do all the non-urgent life admin shit i've been putting off forever (including making a dentist's appointment which for me is A Big Deal) and then i might tidy or something (which are words that i don't ever say willingly), all before lunch. what the fuck

[walmart-miku]

Ok finished The Boy and The Heron. And I have Thoughts.

THE THEMES!!!! THE SYMBOLISM!!!! THE INEVITABLE MARCH OF TIME BUT WE STILL GO ON. THE "IMPERFECT WORLD TAINTED WITH MALICE" "WORLD FULL OF CHAOS AND FIRE" "PURE VS IMPURE" AHHHHHHHHH

ITS ABOUT GRIEF!!! ITS ABOUT HIW MAHITO LEARNS TO NAVIGATE A WORLD WITHOUT HIS MOTHER AND HIM ACCEPTING NATSUKO AS HIS MOTHER AND THE WAY ITS DONE IS SO GRACEFUL. He starts completely impartial to her. Besides the fact that Natsuko looks like his mother, Mahito is polite but cold to her. And then Natsuko gets "taken". And Mahito decides to go save her, not for himself but for his FATHER!!! (On a side note here, I love how good of a father Mahito has. He's really trying his best here, he dropped everything to look for them and was 110% ready to fight God.) And once Mahito finally gets to her its this beautiful scene of him calling out to her for her to come home with him and hee refusing and Mahito going from calling out "NATSUKO" to "MOTHER"!!!! HE CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE ANOTHER MOTHER AND HE MIGHT HAVE FAILED THE FIRST TIME BUT HE WON'T THIS TIME AND AHHHHH!!!!

My brain will not shut up about the one scene where the heron tells Mahito that he can't fix the hole that Mahito made in his beak that's preventing him from transforming. It has to be the one who did the damage that fixes it. It has to be Mahito who fixes it. Do you see where I'm going here. How, as hard as you try, damage has been done and sometimes the damage has to be repaired by the cause.

THE REAL WORLD ATTACHMENT THAT HAYAO MIYAZAKI HAS TO THIS FILM. HE IS THE GREAT GRAND UNCLE. He created this beautiful empire of movies and has left a legacy and the movie ends with the empire/world falling l, with the potential successor turning away from the world and choosing his own path. THE MOVIE IS A LOVE LETTER TO HIS SON AND HOLY SHIT IM NOT GOING TO BE NORMAL ABOUT THIS FACT.

Little guys. A ghibli movie is not a ghibli movie until it has silly little guys. For this one we got the water water. LOOK AT THEM!!!! I WOULD DIE FOR THEM. I cried when they got eaten and then I cried some more when the old pelican died talking to Mahito. Because they didn't ask for this life where they eat the water water. But they have no choice. And their young don't know how to fly anymore.

Kiriko. Holy fucking shit Kiriko. She's managed to fulfill both the grandma and cool lesbian aunt roles in The Boy and The Heron and holy shit. First time I saw her butch form I. Also the little wood carvings to protect. How they're people from Mahitos world. How Mahito has so many people that care about him. (Look at her she's so)

Himi (Mahito's mother) ISNT AFRAID OF FIRE (how she dies) BECAUSE WHY BE AFRAID OF DEATH? WHY FEAR THE UNKNOWN AND THE END? WHY FEAR THE VERY THING THAT YOU CONTROLLED?

Mahito is super duper fucking unhinged (affectionate). The hospital is on fire, he runs against the crowd to get to his mother. The kids at his new school make fun of him. Next scene has no audio but some cheerful music and is of just Mahito fucking throwing hands. And then Mahito is still angry and full of malice afterwards that he just. Takes a rock and bangs it against his head. Mahito meets the grey heron and he decides that he's gonna kill it. He makes his won bow and arrow. He uses the herons own feather for the arrow. He also reflects his name perfectly. "Mahito" meaning "sincere one". He just says whatever the fuck he's thinking. He does not pull punches.

The book. "How Do You Live?" I Will Be Thinking About This Book So Much. (She left him a book, she left him a book about how to live because she knew that she wouldn't be there to watch him learn how to live but she still wanted to teach him how to live even if it was just beyond the grave through a book)

[nyaagolor]

Vex's big fat SV fic recommendation list

Being stressed while waiting for reviews and thesis feedback had me tearing through the SV AO3 tags like a rabid animal. Bright side to this is that I've been through basically the entire tag for a few characters so you don't have to. Below the cut is all the fics that really stuck with me

Invasive Species by hiratake Hassel/Brassius oneshot. You know that popular post that says the holy grail of AO3 is a 10k oneshot that changes your life when you binge it at 3am? yeah that's this one they meant this fic. It's a look at their younger years and the falling in love stuff these two go through and it's fantastic. There's cute cameos, excellent prose and really fun themes throughout

Team Building (and other remedies for loneliness) by viodef Arven Gen multichap. By the time I finished this fic I was convinced it's canon. It fills in the unseen parts of the game absolutely expertly, telling the story of how Arven caught and raised his team, and balances emotional angst and cute moments within his team flawlessly. It actually got me to care immensely about Arven's Toedschol. btw, this fic is part of a series-- and every fic in it is just as excellent as this one. They're some of the best Arven fics I've ever seen and I cannot recommend them highly enough

I Love You (just in case you didn't know) by WizardGlick Hassel/Brassius oneshot collection. "Where are all the incredible writers for SV?" making old man yaoi content. The Hassel/Brassius scene on AO3 is killing it. This fic has been on my mind since I first read it, it's so GOOD. It's tender it's emotional it's cute it has it all. Even if you don't care for this ship you will by the end of it. Read it

normal people by golden_blue Larry gen oneshot. I'm actually astounded at the charm people are putting into fics about Larry, a character designed to be as basic as possible. This is a fic that really just brings the pokemon world to life, giving so much depth to characters and making everything feel so grounded and lived in. If you like Larry, or even if you don't, read this fic, it'll leave you loving Medali and everyone in it

Kitchen Confidential by aclockworklemon Zerotrio Gen Twoshot (for now). People who characterize the player's mom are the most powerful among us and this is as good as it gets. There's a lot of subtlety in how the characters emotions are explored through the perspective of the character's own mom, and honestly I just love a fic that feels so grounded and sweet. Everyone is characterized so well, and the conflicts feel so real and personal. Good times all around

lost in translation by fivveweeks E4 gen oneshot. This fic is fucking hilarious I am actually begging you to read this one. One of the few times a fic actually got me to belly-laugh. Every work in this author's series about the E4 is equally as funny and equally as good so just do yourself a favor and read them all

holding onto the past (just like her) by centispores Arven oneshot, focused on grief. This one absolutely destroyed me. It has a real mastery of prose, a slowly building sense of dread and confusion that really hammers in the emotional core, and a really good understanding of flow. Setting the fic to a flu delerium backdrop lets the author's talents really shine and also gut punch you right at the end! It hurts, highly recommend

Tenderhearted Trust by infaredlove Jacq focused oneshot. SV introduced the best cast of side characters (the teachers) in the history of this franchise and some valiant authors took it upon themselves to just make banger after banger all about them. This is honestly a recommendation for this author's entire catalogue of work because I adore how they characterize the academy staff, Jacq especially. The prose is great, the feelings are tender, and who doesn't love seeing some nice stories about the adults in the room?

kids and their newfangled lingo by rentaldragon Rika/Geeta oneshot. This one is less than 1k words and as cute as it is funny. It needs no introduction, it's got silly lesbians in it!!

Up the Creek by neutralize Arven oneshot, focused on his failed attempts to heal Mabosstiff. Another ouchie of a fic. This one stings real bad, and the depth of emotion in this one is an absolute killer. The ever increasing desperation here and the ways that Arven's own trauma prevent him from reaching out or getting help for his own mental state are absolutely brutal and an incredible way of illustrating the pre-canon events. This one is rough but it's a very worthwhile read

YOUR _____ APPEARS ABNORMAL. by johnchurch Larry oneshot, Geeta POV. This fic is absolutely genius and even if you don't like either character you have got to give it a shot. It's such a fun and clever way to integrate in-game glitches to an in-universe headcanon. Genuinely delightful. Also watching Geeta slowly lose her mind is more fun than I initially expected

Cool, Cool, Cool by Chumpy Arven/Giacomo oneshot. Really and truly who is doing it like rarepair shippers. They are the backbone of fanfic society and I mean this. This fic is pretty lowstakes in comparison to the others on this list, but man is it cute. I love the characterization, the realism of teenage dialogue and all its awkwardness, and just the way the relationship progresses during the story. Sooo cute, give it a read!

Perennial by Seasonal Penny twoshot. Fics that are canon to me. I'm not even sure how to properly articulate how much this just feels like a legitimate explanation of canon events that happened offscreen. This fic is perfect and also canon. Real to me.

The Fellowship of Glimmora by dragons_tree Geeta multichap, unfinished. This is THE Geeta fic to me. The prose is incredible, the characterization is incredible, the worldbuilding is incredible. If you read one SV fic today make it this one, it will leave you with so many new thoughts on Geeta and her relationships with the gym leaders. Genuinely so so so good I think I would kill to get this fic to update again

Ortega's Drag Race by MimeOfATime Team Star oneshot. This fic is canon in my brain. This is so real to me. The characterization is perfect, the worldbuilding is perfect, begging you to read this fic Right Now. Pls. For me.

Push by agendergrim Professor-focused oneshot. This one is short and also just cracked my brain wide open. SUCH an interesting take on what happened to the other professor and well-written to boot. Do yourself a favor and read this one when you have a few minutes

Historical Perspective by n7punk Sada/Raifort exes oneshot. No one understands Raifort like this author I stg. The characterization of everyone here is absolutely fantastic and is filled with concepts and ideas that feel so authentic to the story of the game. I too love disaster lesbians so this fic was an absolute delight

regret, reflected in crystal by Emolga Turo and Arven focused oneshot. This one is INSANELY rough, big tw for child abuse and an absolutely gut-wrenching internal monologue about it. This fic is really heavy but insanely good, I had to sit down for a while to process it all when I was done. I highly recommend this to anyone who's looking for a fic to blow them away, the author is insanely talented and a master of their craft, but also OOF.

oh, just one more question… by pistachiosoda Penny focused oneshot. Such a sweet Team Star character study, it's really neat to see the unique ways that each character speaks and reflects about the boss and how it serves not only to characterize Penny, but them in turn. This genuinely feels like it could be dialogue ripped from some DLC of the game. If you like Team Star def give this one a look

irony by mousewritings Penny and Arven oneshot. This author REALLY understands teenage dialogue. It feels so real it's almost painful, so if you want something that's really gonna captivate you, give this a read. There's something about the way the characters fumble that feels really natural, and this author is extremely talented when it comes to dialogue and attitude. I adore this fic

Endearment by Sarajaye Penny focused oneshot. Centers around Penny's feelings about her dad-- it's like 400 words and super sweet, just do yourself a favor and read it right now. Click on the link and go for it it'll take like two minutes. You'll thank me later.

Glimmer by WolvZephyr Geeta focused oneshot. Good Geeta focused fics are few and far between, so it was fantastic to see one that really delved into her philosophy and attitudes and personality. This is one of those fics that really puts so much depth into a character that it feels like a natural extension of everything in game. Whether or not u think ur a Geeta fan, read this, because it'll absolutely give you a fresh perspective on her

Patch Up by ColourfulVoid Nemona and Miriam focused oneshot. This might actually be one of, if not my absolutely, favorite fic I've read about Nemona. It so perfectly captures the masking she does and the ways that the adults in her life WANT to help but can't because of all the fronts she puts up. This is filed under lists of fics that changed my brain chemistry. Read it

hues by aukai Nemona and Jacq focused oneshot. Similar to the above, this focuses on Nemona's unhealthy habits and masking and I just absolutely adore it. It's a brief glimpse into her pre-story school life and really adds depth to everything happening offscreen. Nemona my beloved

If you don't wanna use a tumblr post for the links, I have all these bookmarked on my AO3 Vex_ation, which is linked here

[bonesandthebees]

YOU FINISHED DAY OF THE FALLEN NIGHT!!

Okay. I'm normal. I'm totally normal.

.... Please ramble to me I'm so starved on talking about it TELL ME THE DETAILS OF YOUR THOUGHTS

- ❄️

OH BOY SNOWFLAKE DO I HAVE THOUGHTS BECAUSE THAT WAS SO GOOD

ok for everyone else, spoilers for a day of fallen night by samantha shannon will be below the read more

ok that was just. so amazing. holy shit. warning this is going to be long.

there's so much I loved about adofn. the characters, their relationships, and especially the more in depth look we got at the worldbuilding. for one thing I loved learning more about Hróth and getting to see it, along with the Queendom of Sepul in the East (although I do wonder why we never heard of Sepul in Priory. did it get destroyed in the Grief of Ages like Carmentum did? if so why was that not mentioned? or maybe it was and I just missed it?).

also I loved getting such an in depth view of life inside the Priory through Tunuva. like how birthing works and the way boys and girls are raised and all that. also just, fuck, Tunuva. I love her as a character so much. she's such a good contrast to Esbar. you can see exactly why their marriage has worked for so many years. they're different but complement each others differences. Tunuva is the soft caring side of Esbar's sharp pragmatism. Esbar makes the hard choices needed, Tunuva reminds her when they're not needed.

I'm so happy Wulf got to go to the Priory and spend time with Tunuva and Siyu and everyone else. tbh one of the few criticisms I have of the book is that I felt like Wulf's entire arc with the Priory was rushed. like we didn't even get to see his initial reactions to anything. I wanted to how he dealt with learning about Galian's legacy being a lie and the truth of Cleolind and all that. however, I'm so happy that Siyu went to Inys. Now we know why Ead was sent to protect Sabran in the first book!!! And Siyu is such a kind girl who is so similar to Glorian. they're nearly the same age and they're both young mothers and just ahhh I'm so glad Glorian has Siyu as a friend (although it makes me horribly sad that Glorian and Wulf would have to stay apart for so many years)

speaking of Glorian, oh my god, my girl. Glorian definitely ended up being my favorite character of the book. she had to grow up so fast. she matured so drastically throughout the novel and she shouldn't have had to do that but she took on her role as queen and did it so well. she proved to everyone ten times over that she was more than enough (and I'm lowkey still pissed at her mother for making her believe otherwise). I had chills during the entire scene when she rode out onto the battlefield only hours after giving birth. her entire struggle with the ownership of her own body and identity and the 'tax' she had to pay to Inys with giving them a child was so well done and so painful to read. I think adofn showcases so well the more subtle themes of misogyny we see in the world. because yes, it is a fantasy world where women can hold positions of power the same as men without anyone blinking an eye, but there are still misogynistic systems put in place. we definitely see our Sabran (the IX) struggling with this in priory, but it's even more evident and discussed here. With how the Inysh queens are essentially little more than walking wombs who have been told they are the only thing keeping the world from destruction. and it's so telling how many people around Glorian recognize how terrible this is. even fucking Prince Guma told her outright this was a horrible thing for her to be put through. I'm so glad that at the very least, Glorian gave birth how she wanted despite the protests that an Inysh queen should never kneel. And she did what she wanted as soon as her toll was paid (although, uh, girl definitely needs therapy because you really shouldn't have a death wish as soon as you no longer 'need' to be alive)

also, god, that scene where Glorian hands baby Sabran off to Wulf and he goes and hides with her? the entire private moment he has with his daughter—the only private moment he'll probably ever get with his daughter—made me cry. when Wulf hoped that somewhere deep inside, his daughter would remember his voice and his warmth and know she was loved like how he was able to faintly remember Tunuva's love and warmth just made me start sobbing. I literally had to take a few minutes to calm down so I could get the tears out of my eyes and see the pages again. I think I also shed a tear or two when Glorian had just given birth to Sabran and told her she was always going to be enough for her. That she was already enough. like, ouch. that hurts.

the only other time I came close to crying was when Kanifa died. I didn't actually cry but I did feel my eyes start to burn when he sacrificed himself for Dumai. Dumai's story just hurt in so many ways. obviously she and Glorian were never going to be able to meet, but they felt as though they were sisters to each other and never got to know. though I am glad that Dumai got to live how she wanted and became the Maiden Officiant. I especially loved Nikeya by the end. How she was able to step out of her father's shadow and rebuild Seiiki for the better. She was the one built for court and politics, not Dumai. but god their marriage in the hot spring fucking WRECKED me they loved each other and just wanted to be together but they couldn't arghhhhh it's Ead and Sabran all over again.

at least we got two pretty happy couples out of this—Esbar and Tunuva and Wulf and Thrit. Thrit fucking deserved it after he spent so long pining and blatantly flirting with Wulf's clueless ass. their kiss on the battlefield was so :(( And that epilogue scene with Tunuva and Esbar just cemented them as a great couple. despite their ups and downs they love each other so deeply and will continue to love each other for the rest of their lives. Choosing to believe that Esbar made an exception to the no outsiders rule for Thrit so he and Wulf could visit and Thrit could meet Tunuva. They all deserve it.

I still feel like I have so much more to say but arghhhh this book was so good oh my goddddd I need more stories in this world desperately Samantha Shannon I am BEGGING you

[stevethehairington]

💭📚for the fic writer ask game?

riaaa ty for the ask!!

💭 What inspires you and your writing?

honestly anything and everything does! i've pulled inspiration from just about everything you can think of - other shows/movies/books, posts i see, stories people tell me, something i hear someone say, things that have happened to me personally, poetry i read, songs i listen to, random objects i see out in the wild, things i'm feeling.

all i need is something that sends a spark into my brain and then i'm off.

📚 Is there a fanfic or fanfic writer you recommend?

ooh, okay i looove reccing fics and writers so this is a great one. however, i feel like most of the writers that i would normally rec are our friends or writers i know you've already heard of lol, sooooo i will give a couple of fics this time instead!

first up:

someone else's favorite song by @fastcardotmp3

i am currently about halfway through this one and it is absolutely gorgeous. a beautiful exploration of grief and friendship and love and what that all means when it gets tangled up and the edges start to blur. literally anything by dot is a masterpiece and this one is no exception to that!!

heed the ominous warning of talking heads by audacity_of_bluejays

this one was SO good omg. i know you're picky about your time travel lol so before you see that tag and go hm not gonna chance it, it's important that you know that it's not really time travel per se? it's more like steve gets transported to an alternate universe that exists because he made one decision instead of another at a previous point in time to show him how his life would be if he actually does that. and he has to like figure out how to get back to his own universe so he can make sure this one doesn't happen for him. it's a really good one and the platonic stobin in this one is also sososooo good, they are ride or die in any universe in any circumstance and that's so nice to see here.

your cosmic call sign by @nancywheeeler

okay i know i recced this one on the server already after i finished reading it but im reccing it again bc holy fuck it's so good and i love it so much. the vibes in this one are off the charts. it's got sci-fi, it's got bowie, it's got radio dj eddie, it's got a homemade documentary, it's got aliens, it's got everything. oh and the format of the fic is SO cool, like it's got radio show excerpts and newspaper article pieces and things like that interspersed through the actual story that add SO much and it's just so awesome and so creative. also the fact that super 8 (aka my favorite movie) is mentioned in the beginning authors note is just. an automatic win for this fic bc that movie is my favorite and it is so underrated and the fact that it was an inspiration for this fic is everything to me sdkfs.

hours and hours by @steddiesupportgroup

i read this one a while ago but it has been on my mind sooo much the past few days lol. it's a pwp lmfao, bc what is friendship if not reccing pwp's to each other right? but yeah it's got a lot going on but never in a way that makes it feel overwhelming as a reader, and it all melds together very well. it's heady, it's languid yet purposeful, it's passionate, it's fun, it's full of care. a very very good read!!

noise by @viagoh

i'm sure nico is probably tired of seeing my name pop up in their notifications but i cannot not gush about all of their stuff. their art is everything to me but this fic!! this fic is sooo good and sooo beautifully written!! a glimpse at steve and eddie's relationship and a brief exploration of steve's parents and what they meant to him. a trip down memory lane but in a way that's sort of bittersweet. tw for some memory loss but it's more of an allusion to it, like it's not quiiiiite happening yet but it's something that will happen later down the line. but yeah, the characterization in this one is just sooo spot on and i love the way that steve and eddie's dynamic was written here, it's so good.

fanfic writer ask game

[rosemarytales]

thoughts on my ttpd first listen

Fortnight (feat. Post Malone): I've been saying her relationship with alcohol was not healthy bruuuh. I love how she takes her life, which the vast majority of her listeners would not be able to relate to, and makes an "understandable" metaphor out of it. But it must break her to do so. Love Post Malone's voice here, he really compliments her well. THE MV THO with the dead poets <3<3<3<3<3

TTPD: girl go get your lover tf 😭😭😭 whole era dedicated to this muse, incredible.

My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys: getting mad MATHP vibes from the storytelling here.

Down Bad: now I'm starting to really get dragged in the album. The first verse rewired something in me, Idk. also if I speak about the muse... The New Romantics mention, I died dead. Also someone needs to edit kenstewy to the "hostile takeover" bit.

So Long, London: my favourite so far, I am in love with this vibe. It's giving YLM. Also I love the style of the intro, it's channeling the waves in a way, up until this point the album has a very distinct "look" and I can see it so clearly. My real question atp is how are we supposed to just, go on as normal after this album. She is baring her soul in a way she's never done before and it's not a happy soul, so how is just going to go on keeping her happy persona at Eras and how are we going to let her. I think the management is probably gonna make the last songs be happier ones to get back a bit of the persona. Like atp I'm not convinced the 5 stages of grief was her idea and I don't think this mental state is related to a specific breakup or a specific event, this is a cluster of stuff she's been carrying.

But Daddy I Love Him: "growin' up precocious sometimes means not growin' up at all" holy fuck, mood. My heart aches for her, this anger and resentment must have been burning holes through her and people are still probably not gonna see her as she wants to be seen even after this. She couldn't make this pain any clearer and tomorrow she is still gonna have to play pretend.

Fresh Out The Slammer: still breaking these chains!! If anyone at all is listening, there is a Taylor before this album and a Taylor after. Full stop, no going back.

Florida!!!: I LOVE THIS COLLAB I NEED A FULL ALBUM.

Guilty as Sin?: looove the beats on this one.

Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me: "don't you worry folks we took out all her teeth" and the circus life, I am broken. This album is supposed to be her breaking her chains and the general reaction is "what ex caused this". I wouldn't be surprised if she committed mass murder.

I Can Fix Him (No, Really I Can): this song is giving cowboy - Lana Del Rey - old americana vibe and I'm into it. It's a new thing for Taylor but it suits her well, especially with her country past.

loml: feeling the "All Things End" by Hozier vibes. Now that I think about it the whole album is kinda Hozier-y, like very heavy on lyricism, dark storytelling and kinda giving whiskey/soil/heavy clouds. I am obsessed.

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart: girl go to therapy I am begging you.

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived: THE SOUND!! THE WORDS!! THE TRUST ISSUES!! I love this song.

The Alchemy: psych ward mention in the obligatory football song, I see you, Miss Swift, trying to see who's actually listening. Well, I am.

Clara Bow: Nothing New bridge meets The Lucky One. I don't think anyone wants to be part of the industry after listening to this album, Tay, but we appreciate the sentiment.

The Black Dog: okay MsKingBean89. Also the location, she is hilarious.

imgonnagetyouback: bpdlor shining through, love you queen.

The Albatross: she hates her fans, and she is right. The Matty thing was heinous.

Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus: beautiful song. I don't have many thoughts about it, it's deeply personal for the people involved (like much of the album), and since I'm not one of them I can just say she evokes images so beautifully with her words. She is extremely skilled and talented.

How Did It End?: the sound really captures the image of someone lost in thought at the grocery store, idk what else to say.

So High School: was she sick while recording this?

I Hate It Here: my anthem. me. myself. I.

thanK you aIMee: cute metaphors

I Look In People's Windows: Ebenezer Scrooge-ass anthem (I am crying does anyone remember my "on the glass wall" post, I'm adding this song). I know it doesn't make sense, but to me it sounds like she hadn't been singing for a while and she is incorporating vocal exercises in her songs, Idk why. (like "oh this exercise sounds fun, should insert it in a song").

The Prophecy: oh boy, oh boy, this one hit hard. Like really hard. "Shades of greige" is the perfect way to describe this album, it's rather monochrome and monothonous like sadness often is.

Cassandra: I love me a good Greek mythology reference. Incredible imagery. Bruno Madrigal's anthem.

Peter: yes. yes. this. Peter Pan imagery + Daisy Buchanan vibes, I died dead.

The Bolter: called me tf out. The leaks in the rowboat, my God...

Robin: not crying, you are.

The Manuscript: that's the ending I was talking about. There is no real happy closure, she had to go back 15 years to find a past that doesn't haunt her anymore, that's disheartening. I guess we'll see how this plays out, but I'm afraid she's not all that better. Hope she can take a break and get better soon.

Overall, I loved this album so much. It's everything I hoped Midnights would be and Midnights is in my top 3, so that's saying something. Considering how wordy it is, I think most songs will grow on me even more, looking forward to that.

[aur0raborealiss]

a bojack horseman type of outburst by a non-religious girl

and i don't feel good about myself and i want to feel good about myself but i don't know how. and call me evil since i want people to be miserable with me because misery loves company, no? who wouldn't want to feel that they are being seen? that they are valid? being comforted? loved despite going through the worst times? who doesn't want to experience care? so sue me if, at some point, i want people to be miserable with me. sue me if i want people to sit with me on our dirty white, marble floor while i pour my heart out. fucking sue me if i want to be held while i fall apart because i've been feeling so so so lonely. and not even my hobbies can fill the void i've been feeling.

and it's so hard to always yearn. i yearn so much i'm a natural to it. i yearn so much to the point i forgot what i'm even yearning for. my mind buried it at the back of my head but i know i have this inexhaustible yearning for tenderness.

maybe kafka was right. maybe im simply unfit for human relationships because perhaps im too much. which is a funny thing to say because i take pride in being too much since i believe to some, perhaps i am but not to another — that they know how to handle with me care or even with stern, gently hands. but god, god knows i yearn to be loved. i yearn to be seen and understood. i am so tired of pretending i can handle life alone. i am so tired pretending i don't seek love because i do seek love. and i am aware of what they say about seeking love: stop and let it find you. but why must there be a shame for seeking love? isn't it a normal thing for humans to seek love? why must we let love find us if we can also try to find it? is it because we believe we're going to fall into a rabbit hole? make bad decisions? aren't all those part of human experiences? you fail at love then you try to find one again, in hopes to find the right one this time. then fail again, then you hope again. it's an endless cycle of failing and loving and grieving and loving and failing and so on and so forth.

but you hold on to that hope. you hold on to that tiny ray of light. even if there's no guarantee you'll find one this time.

i remember what my religion professor said about faith or hope. it is what you call it when you still trust him or the world despite there are doubts. now i am not the most religious person in the world. i have my fair share of mistakes and sins, and i honestly don't know how far my hope will take me, how far my love for the world will make me continue to seek love but with gritted teeth, i will cling to it. despite it having fangs or sharp claws, i will hold onto it tightly. because without it, i would fall into the endless pit of grief. and i'd like to believe that life isn't too late for me.

god, help me get through this. i know i wasn't and am not the best child you have ever had but just let me get through this. help me overcome this grief, this sadness, this magnified yearning that has been following me and perhaps even finding its way to weigh on my shoulders. i would try to recite the novena again. memorize the ten mysteries of the rosary. repeat the holy mary and the hail mary prayer. kneel on a bilao filled with salt, with my eyes blindfolded, i would repent for my sins. try and be a good child again just please, help me. if you are so kind and understanding and loving as what the world depicts you to be then help me. because if this is a punishment, i'd be glad to say it is working. would there be any meaning behind all this? would it achieve something? please tell me there is because i don't know how i would feel if there were none. tell me all this pain is justified. that this isn't simply the consequences of my actions or it is what's supposed to happen because it's written on my pre-determined life. not because it simply happened because that is life.

because if it is nothing of sort like that, then so help me God. apologies for the things i might do.

[bless-my-demons]

Honestly, I can’t thank you guys enough for how kind and supportive your comments and messages have been. It really means a lot that you guys care enough to reach out, I could cry from the sweetness. I got so freakin lucky to have lovely and wonderfully patient readers that are more concerned about my headspace than the next chapter.

It’s almost funny, the amount of people that are coming to me in my personal life because they know I deal with grief well. “How should I go about reaching out to the family?”, “Hey, can you check on this person, you always know what to say”, “I’m feeling like this, help”. I’m glad that I’m a safe space for the people in my life, but I shouldn’t have this much experience at 27. And trust me, I’ve had my fair share of friends checking on my well being, because they know I’m the mom-friend that feels better by taking care of others. It just sucks, being intimately familiar with grief, loss, and all that icky shit that festers in your chest in a time like this. I learned emotional intelligence and regulation early on in life, and holy fuck is it exhausting.

Thank you for being patient. Thank you for standing by me while I sort my shit out. Thanks for reading this little vent sesh. And thank you for putting a smile on my face while I wade through this shit in search of the path back to normal.

You guys rock❤️

Life Problems

The update scheduled for this weekend might be a day or two behind, but I will crank something out for you wonderful people.

Wednesday night a good friend and great coworker lost his battle with mental health and it’s caught me and a good chunk of my friends off guard. It’s the second person this year in my life that this has happened to and I’m so fucking tired. The worst part is that I hit a very similar low this summer, but I had someone reach a hand down and force me back up.

Check on your friends. Love on them, make them know you care about them. Life is too short and too precious to be losing the people you care about to dark thoughts. Take care of yourselves and be kind.

And if you haven’t heard this today, I love y’all.

[reginaofdoctorwho]

if anyone wants to recommend musicals to me I would fucking adore that. Until then, here are some suggestions:

Love in Hate Nation-- LET’S GO LESBIANS! 1960s sapphic love story taking place in a girls’ reformatory. Also, trans girl played by trans actress!!! Some of the amazing songs are “I Hope” and “Oh Well”. Susannah Son wants to be a singer, her performative activist boyfriend is gross and also wants her to marry him so he’ll have better options politically. Sheila Nail is so fucking cool and I love everyone in this. My brain cuts out about this I’m so sorry babes. There is not a cast recording but there IS an original cast bootleg on youtube.

Holy Musical B@man!-- If you liked the goofiness of 1960s Batman and Robin, but think “man, these guys should’ve been able to swear! And also should have had a candy themed villain!” this is the musical for you. Also if you’ve heard of the very queer Harry Potter musical that JK herself tried to sue over, it’s made by the same group <3. As usual with Team Starkid, whole thing is up for free on youtube by the creators.

Firebringer-- Speaking of the same group... Cave people sapphics who I think are bi or pan. I love them and they’re all so dumb. Also, if you’ve seen the “I don’t really wanna do the work today” vine, that comes from this. I do not remember any of the second half other than one of them taking the ring the other is proposing with... to propose. And the “*blows kiss*” “fuck no, Zazz” “duly noted”. Kind of like a shitpost musical. Once again, free by creators. Actually, check out any of their musicals.

The Prom-- In Indiana, Emma just wants to take her girlfriend to the prom, and in response, the PTA cancels it. With some help from some broadway actors looking for good publicity, they manage to pull it off. So, to summarize, teen lesbian gets gay uncle who knows what she’s going through!! This musical makes me cry every goddamn time. There is a movie now, and I’m very happy about that because *high profile gay rep on netflix*, but I personally did not like the direction they took with it. They put a weird amount of emphasis on biological rather than found family in the movie, and were a little too forgiving when it came to trauma from family for being gay. Also, they took away Emma being butch. This was sadly (loosely) based on a recent true story from I think 2012. Also, was the first gay kiss in the Macy’s parade. You know those movie musicals the straight girls in theater like? The music is similar, but gayer, and for some reason that makes me so fuckng happy. I think it’s because non-queer people have had musicals for so long, and those normally have a 60s vibe, and the music in this does too and it feels more classic?? Sapphic promposal song (het at the beginning). “Unruly Heart” and the end of Act 1 will break you. Please ignore the bad wigs.

Spies Are Forever-- GAY SPIES GAY SPIES GAY SPIES!! Curt Mega (played by... Curt Mega) lost his partner Owen during a mission. Now, he’s just trying to get back into spying like Owen would want. I fucking weep every time. Also, a song about comphet (at 6:36)!! And here is a video essay on how it relates to the Lavender Scare. I want you all to know that everyone also headcanons the femme fatale spy in it as either a lesbian or aroace, which uh, makes sense. Also high quality videos put up by creators. They had Jewish people making fun of Nazis while writing this, but “Not so Bad” is... kinda bad. “Torture Tango” has so much goddamn sexual tension and becomes devastating.

Hadestown--  If you know the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, it’s like that, except capitalism part 1. Orpheus is a poor musician, Eurydice dies, just like the myth. Except, the Great Depression post-apocalyptic setting that works better than it probably should. There are actually 3 soundtracks: the concept album, off-Broadway, and Broadway. I personally don’t like the concept album purely based on vibe. Off-Broadway has an absolutely gorgeous sounding Orpheus, and if you’ve heard of the disaster that was Spiderman: Turn Out the Dark, then you’ve heard of surprisingly amazing Broadway Orpheus Reeve Carney. The Fates are gorgeous and I’ve decided they’re queer. Tony’s performance link here. Explores relationships, with Hades and Persephone’s aging relationship mirrored by Orpheus and Eurydice’s relatively new one. Anyway, unionize.

Jasper in Deadland-- If you know the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, it’s like that, except capitalism part 2. Jasper is a teen who’s best friend Agnes is pretty much the one good thing left in his life. His mom left, he got kicked off the swim team (he’s manic pixie dream boy in this, especially for swimming), and Agnes dies at the beginning trying to show Jasper that she’s brave and he should be too. So, he bravely ventures into Deadland to find her, meeting Gretchen the tour guide along the way. He also finds out that since he’s still living, he can bring memories back to the dead. Songs like “Stroke by Stroke” (he’s uh, definitely a teen, guys) and “Living Dead” (I shared a prinxiety animatic of that on here a while ago).They blend Greek, Norse, Egyptian, Christian, and whatever Dante’s Inferno counts as together to create Deadland. Story’s kinda hard to follow from the soundtrack, so if u wanna learn how it all ties together message me.

Death Note Musical-- Okay babes, here’s where it gets tough. It was written originally in English, and there is a spectacular English concept album, but the only productions have been in South Korea, Japan, and I think Taiwan. Listen to it anyways, find a bootleg of it with english subtitles. It has so much gay tension and also a truly ethereal character who seems to be a lesbian who is also either demisexual or demiromantic. If any of y’all saw the anime like me, it kind of cuts out the arc after episode 26. I personally thought it was actually a better story for it.

Alice by Heart-- Okay, this one makes me fucking cry every goddamn time. In WW2, these poor goddamn kids are all alone in the Tube System (is that what y’all call it? genuinely asking here) with none of their parents but still some grownups. Alice’s best friend Alfred is dying of tuberculosis, and to try to have one last thing together they start reading Alice in Wonderland, only for Nurse Hart to rip it apart to try to separate healthy Alice from dying-from-TB Alfred. It doesn’t work, and Alice proclaims she “knows it all by heart”, She tries to linger in the story with Alfred to have more time with him, he keeps trying to move it along because he’s dying and wants to finish it one last time. Themes are growing up and grief I guess.

Last I checked, there is a bootleg for all of these on youtube. Have fun!

[rataltouille]

GEOMETRY OF THE HOLY MOON (1 AM): A SHORT STORY

GENRE: surrealism, literary fiction.

POV & TENSE: this little space is not enough for how wild the form is so i talk about this later!!

SETTING: a small desi village, 1924-25.

TONE: dreamy, unsettling, melancholic.

THEMES: faith vs reality, how people perceive others and how they perceive themselves, grief dealt the wrong way.

AESTHETICS: the splash of water on a quiet night, thick clouds obscuring the sky, rippling the moon’s reflection on the water. the intensity of a garden in spring, the emptiness of a dying town, the suffocation from being singled out. hands grazing lightly but never fully held. a lingering sadness behind your laugh. believing in things you shouldn't believe in. putting faith on a starless sky.

STAGE: completed first draft, 4085 words.

LOGLINE: a young boy, surrounded by loss, claims to talk to god. the story follows him and his conversations with this god, all while his village spies on him as he weaves his way around the two most crucial and lonely years of his life.

LITERAL LOGLINE: on today’s news let’s talk about a small backward town that hates sad little boys who worship god, even though the place is lowkey a cult!!

CHARACTERS:

THE SUMMER BOY: he’s around thirteen, and he’s very emotionally attached to his past. he lost his family at a young age to an unstable force, so he spends his time talking to himself. he’s a quiet, demure and sweet person, always willing to help others. he’s outwardly oblivious and sees only the good in people to a point where he doesn't understand when they’re trying to do him wrong. but! considering how the story [like a lot of my others] has themes of perception vs reality, it needs to be said that he isn't all that innocent. he’s rather impulsive and rash, never afraid of hurting himself [and thus accidentally harming others].

A GOD: is he real? do we even know if he’s an actual god? a very elusive figure despite having a lot of screentime. he’s a surprisingly humanised character and arguably the one with the most empathy. he has a soft spot for the boy and the two have a deep bond which is not common for a human and a god to have. you don’t get insight to what the other gods are like, but they’re implied to exist. this story has a very messy and hazy view towards religion and godhood and their nature towards humanity, and this vague figure, a dreamlike character, is proof enough of that.

THE VILLAGE: okay so in general these people suck. the village consists of, well, the village, but they’re very fluid in the way they appear in the story? as in for the most part they appear as a collective, a unit. one character, the summer boy’s “friend”, is somewhat separate considering he’s a pretty important character. it’s very hard describing this unit of a character but essentially they’re the main antagonistic force and they hate the protagonist for seemingly no reason.

WHAT GOES DOWN:

sometime around this time, the boy chances upon meeting his “god”, this being who lives up in the clouds and whom he talks with often, except you don't know if this god is real or not. that’s one of the recurring themes of this story: what’s real and what isn’t. it’s :) a fun time :) for sure :)

essentially Things Happen And It Only Gets Weirder. i cannot even try describing what happens because it’s all very spoilery but let’s just say that this is a very sad story but not even in a “this makes me cry” manner, but rather in a “this is so fucked up wtf why”. the prose of this is very, very hazy and thick, in a manner that’s both smooth and suffocating. there’s also a lot of moon and water imagery which we love. i love the atmosphere + the setting—colonial india— as it’s a subtle but key element to the plot.

FORM:

OKAY YES be prepared for the true colours of how unhinged i am. i apologize for the form brainrot.

POV: so in this story i really said “what if it had all three of the main povs... jk jk... unless 😳😳” and then proceeded to use all three povs. you’re probably wondering, how did i do that? WHY did i do that? and my answer to that is: 🙂

the first-person pov: the summer boy narrates in first person. his pov takes up about 40% of the story, and this is where we unlock family backstory + how he feels about the various forces playing into his life. he’s an extremely unreliable narrator and he knows it; his narration oscillates between very naive and very self-aware, and this effect is pretty disconcerting. the summer boy is kind of a walking contradiction and we love that conflict.

the second-person pov: a god narrates in second person. his pov takes around 20% of the story, and his scenes all involve his conversations with the boy. his pov is extremely detached, and suspends belief because he seems awfully made up. there’s an edge to the prose in his narration, where you know that something's off, but you can’t exactly pinpoint what.

the third-person pov: the villagers narrate, either as a collective, or as an individual figure, in third person. they take up the other 40% of the story, and there are so many different people and differing opinions with this, and every time we read a third person excerpt it’s a different person, and this is mostly used to add onto the different ways in which the boy is perceived. this is also where the structural part of the form gets really wacky.

STRUCTURE: if my story isn't told in vignettes is it my story though /j. gothm is told in vignettes, each one between 50 to 500 words. the first and second person bits are normal-ish vignettes, with straightforward narration. the third person vignettes, on the other hand, are super assorted. we have a lot of epistolaric sections— there’s a letter, a folk song [which was found around the summer boy], and most of the conversation is told as just plain dialogue without tags. there’s also a phone call transcript, and finally some normal chunks of prose. what am i doing wtf.

also to add onto this the story is told non-linearly. 😀 the only thing that keeps me from going insane is the fact that there are chronological tags before most vignettes [also the manner in which they're tagged differs from pov to pov. for example a few of the third person conversations are marked just as “sunday” or “thursday”, while the summer boy’s narration is marked with the full date and year]

in all this clownery i completely forgot to mention what the tense was [the way everything else was so complicated that i forgot tense was a thing lmao] and good news!! it’s the only sane thing about this story!! it’s told fully in present tense. thank everything.

AN EXCERPT:

okay i’m once again not sharing much because this will be submitted to litmags 🧞

[The boy is scrawny as always. He carries an air of diswant— even death had rejected him when the plague killed only his grandmother— but walks like he doesn’t notice. He smiles at them, jitters, and wipes his hand across his knees. Blood comes away in thin, translucent lines. He saves it on the kerchief he keeps tucked in his shirt, careful to dirty the cloth even more. The villagers scrunch their noses in disgust; who knew how old and rotten the kerchief was, or how long it had carried blood like the unwashed sword of a warrior?]

also by the way this excerpt is in square brackets because it is a third-person interjection in a vignette that is otherwise first-person [at this point...]

SPARE THOUGHTS:

this was inspired by a conversation i had with my grandfather, where he was telling me about how people used to sing songs to the skies, as a way of devotion to a specific god. he used the [loose translation of] the english word “yearning” to refer to the emotion the singers would invoke, and that sparked the concept of a disillusioned young boy who talks to the moon as a way to please the god he’s in love with. it’s a very softly disconcerting story and once again deals with the theme of “perception vs reality” which if you know me and my work, is the theme i’m forever obsessed with.

i really like how this turned out? the atmosphere is exactly how i wanted it to be, and there’s so much i have to add on as i edit and i’m really looking forward to that. this is also the only short story i’ve written where i knew which litmag i’d love for it to be published in? like i never write things with publishing in mind, but for some reason while writing this story it occurred to me that it would be a perfect fit for this specific magazine and i love that. anyway if you’ve made it through the post till here,,,, bless you and your braincells. and that’s all for today!!

[lo-55]

Shattered Chains of Fate Ch. 22

Ichigo may have had a bit of a weird relationship with his father, but at least he had one.

Sure, Isshin Kurosaki could be a pain, and he attacked Ichigo out of the blue, and he was obnoxious. Who the hell kept life sized posters of their dead wives plastered on the walls and talked to them?

But again. Ichigo had a relationship with him. Isshin tried. He made sure his kids had food on the table, a roof over their heads, and he patched up their scrapes and bruises, even if he did tell Ichigo to tough it out when he was banged up after karate class or a fight after school.

Ichigo would never have a normal relationship with him. It was partially his own fault. Ichigo was standoffish and independent, he didn’t let people take care of him. It was his job to take care of his family, and Isshin agreed with that much. Ichigo had to guard and guide his sisters.

Despite all of Isshin’s faults, he acknowledged his son.

Ichigo knew the servant who appeared out of the demonic fog without even needing to be told. She and Mordred looked almost identical.  

Mash, naturally, started freaking the fuck out.

“That is- King Arthur! Like the one we met in Fuyuki, only different. This time she has a spear, not a sword. I can feel her animosity. A blind rage, she is more berserker than king. Is she under the the control of a summoning spell?”

Mash didn’t step back. She didn’t panic. But her teeth were gritted and her eyes were wide.

Mordred’s mouth thinned into a line.

“Even if she wasn't, this is King Arthur, ready to slay her foes,” he said grimly. “No reason will reach her now.”

Mordreds grip on his sword tightened to the point that Ichigo could hear the leather of his gauntlet creak.

“Why... Why are you appearing now? If you're here to save, Londinum, why did you not appear before?! No. Maybe its something else. Are you here to kill me? Would it make you angry, if I were the one to save your beloved country? Do you hate me that much? Is that why you wield the spear that killed me?!”

Ichigo sucked in through his teeth. He knew the story. Of course he did. But to hear the raw grief in Mordred’s voice? Was another thing.

“...Fine then, if it's a fight you want I'll give it to you. I'll rebel as many times as I have to! Ichigo, Mash! If you want to run now, so be it.”

Ichigo scoffed and stepped up to lay his hand on Mordred’s shoulder. They had already fought one incredibly powerful servant. They were all exhausted.

But they couldn't rest yet. They had to defeat the King of Knights. They had to retrieve the Holy Grail.

How many times were they going to have to fight Arthur?

“Don’t say stupid things,” Ichigo chided. “We aren’t going anywhere. Mash, get ready. You’ll have to defend us, understand?”

Mash nodded, once.

“Understood! Let’s go, Mordred, Master!”

*

“Ichigo.”

Ichigo opened his eyes slowly. He expected to find the meadow at the edge of the world. He expected to be struck with the familiar scent of blooming flowers.

Instead he found himself sideways on a building, the one that existed within his soul.

He sat up closely to looked around.

He found Nieve and Tensa standing not far from them. Neither of them were looking at him. They were staring off in the distance, their brows furrowed.

“Can't you hear, Ichigo?” Tensa asked, his voice far away. Ichigo stood up and went to stand between them. He touched both of their shoulders and strained to hear whatever it was that had their attention. His hair stood on end.

“Don’t you hear it, King?”

“Can't you hear, Ichigo?” Tensa asked again.

“I hear your voice,” he offered. “And his.”  

“No, not my voice. Not his.”

“I don't hear anything. What are you talking about?” Something very, very weird was happening here. Ichigo didn’t like it.

Tensa and Nieve finally looked at him. Nieve was scowling and Tensa looked troubled.

“Then forget it.”

Ichigo bristled. “No, I won't.”

Tensa tilted his head to him. His eyes were wide and still far away. Something very, very bad was happening here. Ichigo grabbed his arm.

“Tensa! Hey... We said no more secrets.”

Tensa shook his head. He was starting to come out of whatever had been holding onto him.

“It's not a secret. It's only something that I can't place. Nieve, perhaps you should go deeper?”

“Huh?” Nieve blinked at him and shook metaphorical cobwebs off of himself. “No way. King needs me where he can use me.”

“Tensa,” Ichigo said with a frown. “What’s wrong? Can’t you be more specific?”

“...It’s something on the wind. I can’t place it. Something dangerous is approaching us.”

“I’m the instincts around here,” Nieve grumbled. “And if something dangerous is coming for King we’ll just fight it.”

“No. Not for Ichigo. For us, you and I.”

Nieve stiffened. Ichigo pressed his lips into a thin line.

“You wanna use Nieve as a trump card?”

“Yes. I think that would be best.”

“Why shoudln’t you be the one who goes in deeper? You’re the one who’s not a real Zanpakutou!”

Tensa look irritated. “Yes, but as much as it pains me to admit it you have more direct power than I do.”

Nieve paused.

“Did you just say I’m stronger?”

Tensa glowered at him.

“No. Our abilities are just useful in different situa-”

“You admitted I’m stronger!” Nieve laughed aloud, grinning. He crossed his arms over his chest. “Fine. I’ll go deeper and wait for a while. But ya owe me, Tensa.”

Tensa rolled his eyes at Nieve, who laughed and slowly sunk through the windows of one of the buildings.

Ichigo shook his head at the pair. He wasn’t quite as worried as he should have been. Whatever came, they would deal with it. After all, it wasn’t like they were alone.

* *

Ichigo was starting to feel hollow in his bones. He’s used too much Mana fighting Tesla and then Artoria, yet another distorted version of her. How many different ‘King Arthur’s were there?

He was leaning on a shattered stone when cold washed over him. His head snapped upwards. A ghost, a blond man dressed in black, had been watching their fight and he’d followed them back into the bowels of Babages’ engine. Now he watched the conglomeration of fighters skulk through the remnants.

Romani’s voice came through Ichigo’s watch suddenly. Loud and worried. Something was coming. Again. Something big.

Mash broke into shivers next to Ichigo, her violet eyes huge. She looked terrified.

“The space is opening! Something is coming through!”

Ichigo squinted at the shadow that formed. The power that rolled off of him in waves threatened to crush Ichigo to the ground.

“Demon Marshal Gilles de Rais. Imperial Founder Romulus. Hero Spy Jason. And Divine Scholar Nikola Tesla. I thought they would be somewhat useful,” he said slowly. “But they spoiled my fun as they couldn't even clean house. Stupidity. Such stupidity. Humans really do degrade with the passage of time.”

Romani was still yelling. SHEBA was destabalizing, he was losing communications. Ichigo barely heard him over the low thrum of this monsters voice and his own heart beating a drum in his ears.

He walked towards them, one step at a time. The servants around Ichigo drew closer. From young casters to near-goddesses, from heroes to villains, they closed ranks.

“What is this insane magical energy?” Mordred bared his teeth. “It's a hell of a lot bigger than a dragon. It's like-”

“One of the demons or angels in the ancient stories. No, perhaps even greater. I was not born a mage, but as a petty Caster I can understand,” even Shakespeare wasn’t making light of it. “This magical energy is infinite. This domination crushes its surroundings merely by existing. Truly, truly a created being worthy of being called God! No, perhaps it is even God itself! Am I wrong, my friend Andersen? I think it's time for us to be going!”

Maybe they should have run. But Ichigo’s legs wouldn’t let him. If they ran now what would happen? This was-

The ‘god’ looked over them. His gaze stopped on Ichigo’s wrist, where Romani’s voice was still coming through frantically.

“I see. Like me, only your voice reaches them. Chaldea is isolated from the temporal axis, and so it's become a base that no one can find. My eyes see everything—and all possible futures, but even they have trouble perceiving Chaldea. That's why you survive. Pathetically, shamelessly, and uselessly. Intolerant of a history of destruction already decided, a pitiful boat still adrift in the sea of void. That is what you are, Chaldea, and what you are, Ichigo. A stain upon the scorched ashes of human history. The name of the only fools left who would defy my deeds.”

“So you’re him. The ‘King’ that Lev talked about.” Ichigo met Solomons gaze head on.

“I am the final destination you seek. The one who commands the 72 Demon Gods. The one who will destroy humanity from his throne. My name is Solomon. Among the Heroic Spirits, I stand above them all as one of the Grand Seven.”

Grand ?

“No… Is it really Solomon? But… But that's impossible.”

Ichigo couldn't look at his watch while Romani freaked out.

“I am a Heroic Spirit, and also a living being. Thus, no Master commands me. I started this matter of my own will. In order to eliminate all you humans- Trash who's continuing along its foolish history. You are the sole and greatest waste of this universe.”

Ichigo bristled furiously. His anger beat back his fear. “Fuck off! You can't destroy the world!”

Solomon smiled patronizingly at him. “I can. I have the means, the will, and the reality. Your eras have been swept away already, by my 72 Demon Gods that cross over time, and through them and my third nobel phantasm I will burn away humanity with the strength of a million holy swords. If you could barely hold yourself up against King Arthur, what chance do you have again me?”

He spread his hand grandly and four demon gods formed behind him.

It was only bitterness and stubborness that kept Ichigo standing. He lifted his hand. He was down to just one command seal, and his mystic codes were still recharging. Fuck. They were all exhausted, and Ichigo barely had the capacity to sustain them. How much Mana could he draw from the dying world before his body broke down?

They fell one by one, and Ichigo was helpless to do more than watch. Kintoki, Tamamo, and Shakespeare. Anderson.

They barely remained at the end. Mordred spit fury at him.

“Is this it? You must be scared, since Ichigo already took four grails from you!”

Solomon scoffed at him.

“Are you the greatest fool in history? I've lost four Grails? No. It will only matter if I lose them all. One Grail, or six, it makes no difference to me. Ichigo is no threat. It's time for me to go. I wasted more time than I thought.”

“Huh!? You're leaving? Why did you even come here!?”

“It was nothing more than a whim. Why? Sometimes after finishing a book, you go to the bathroom before picking up the next, right? That's all this was.”

“What? You're saying you came to piss on us!?”

Solomon threw his head back and laughed.

“That's right! That's exactly right! But you're worth less than piss! I don't care about you. I could kill you here, or not, and not care at all. Do you understand? I'm not letting you go. You weren't worth looking at in the first place. But, I suppose if you can remove all seven Singularities then I will consider you a matter I must deal with.”

Ichigo stormed towards him, ignoring everyone around him. Mash had to grab him around his middle to keep him from grabbing Solomon by his stupid fucking poldrons.

“Fuck you! You think this fun? I’m not letting you kill everyone!”

Solomon’s face twisted into a demonic mask and he laughed even harder.

“Of course! It's the greatest fun in the world! If it wasn't fun, would I take my time killing each one of you? I'm having fun. Your deaths make me happy. Your end pleases me. Your final gasps bring me more joy than anything! And this is the greatest salvation you could find. Because only I alone can make good use of every single human being!”

“And you!” He motioned towards Ichigo. The force of just his waving hand nearly knocked Ichigo to the ground.

“What have you done for the last 2,000 years? You've continuously died, and continuously done nothing. You are sentient creatures who failed to conquer death. And yet you retain your fear of it? If you cannot conquer death, you should have abandoned your fear of it. If you understand death to be a shameful, terrifying thing, then you should throw away your sentience! It's pathetic. Simply pathetic. You're no different either, Master of Chaldea.”

Ichigo startled. Solomon had been talking to Mash? Why would she be afraid? Death, sure, but-

“Why do you fight? Knowing your life will end. Knowing it has ended.Why do you cling to life, when you know that your future holds no salvation? You are so young, human. Ichigo.  Humanity's Final Master. This is my one warning to you. Know that giving up on everything here is the easiest way for you to live. Burn, and leave not even ash. That is your future.”

He vanished in a flash of white light while Ichigo roared after him in fury.

Mash had to drag him back to the street. The blond ghost trailed after them. He was gripping a sword like his after-life depended on it. Ichigo had never seen a dead man look shell shocked.

Even Mordred was pale and withdrawn.

“I haven't been this down since my Father's spear-”Mordred grimaced. “No, never mind. Never mind.”

“ Honestly, I wanted to go with you guys… But I'm at my limit, as you can see,” he motioned to himself. He was steadily dissolving into golden light. “With the Singularity gone, there's no place for me. I was summoned here by the Grail's fog. Without a Master, I have to disappear. “

“I hate to say it, but he's right. We can't fight unless we're summoned. That's the limit of a Heroic Spirit, and a Servant. In every era, the ones who build things...are always people living on the cutting edge of the future.”

“Mordred,” Ichigo reached out and grabbed his hand. “Wait.”

Mordred shot him a crooked smile. “You're going to get there, Ichigo. You'll reach the place we can't go. You'll cross over the seven Grails and reach the end of time. And then you'll corner that bastard Grand Caster. It's something only you can do. I’ll help you if I can.”

Mordred vanished in a shower of sparks. Ichigo’s hand closed on air.

The familiar pull of a rayshift tugged at Ichigo’s spine. He hissed. He’d wanted to say goodbye to Jekkyl, at least.  

Ichigo opened his eyes in his own body. The fourth singularity was over. It still felt like they’d lost.

* * *

Somehow, things always came back to the river.

Ichigo shot across the rooftops. He could feel the shift in the air that signalled an opening between worlds, and more he could feel a familiar person coming through it.

He skidded into the grass just in time to catch Rukia when she fell through the light.

“Rukia!” He held her carefully. Blood was seeping out of a wound on her shoulder. “Shit.”

He had barely laid her in the grass when the familiar light of a senkaimon flashed. Frost crawled across the grass and stretched towards him. It steamed into the warm night air.

A familiar woman came through. She was pale, dressed in a formal kimono with her silver blue hair pulled partially away. Ichigo knew her.

“This reitsu. She's no hollow”. She was familiar, too.

“Who are you?!”

She waved her hand and ice shot at him in a sudden wave. Ichigo understood suddenly. He snatched Rukia back into his arms and lunged out of the way.

The woman drew a pale white sword.

“Hand her over.” The voice was smooth and soft. Ichigo had heard it before.

“What?” Rukia groaned softly. The blood from her shoulder wound spread out. “I don't know what's going on, but that's not happening.”

“I see. So you're the substitute. Some no mai. Tsukishiro!”

Ichigo barely dodged the pillar of ice, and the wave that followed after. IT felt wrong, but he wasn’t about to roll over and let her stab him. He attacked swiftly, swinging zangetsu at her. It cut through and shattered an ice sculpture of her.

Could Rukia do that?

This was her zanpakutou, after all.

If that was the case, why didn’t she recognize Ichigo?

Just as quickly as she’d come, as abruptly as their fight began, she vanished back through the senkaimon.

Ichigo stood still, watching her go.

“Rider,” he said. Lightning flashed and Achilles appeared before him with his chariot. “Let’s get her to Urahara. He can patch her up, and we’ll see what’s happening. Are Medusa and Cu still with the Visord?”

The three had slowly started to hang out with people other than Ichigo. Mostly his friends and family. Medusa in particular had been stalking his sisters.

“Yep. They’ll meet us there, I’m sure.”

Achilles helped him load Rukia into the chariot, and the three of them took off into the sky. Ichigo held Rukia carefully to his chest. He fed his reitsu into her, hoping to at least keep her stable. He’d barely started his lessons with Unohana when he’d had to return to Karakura.

He was reluctant to hand her over, but when they landed he let Urahara and Tessai take her inside to be treated.

Orihime was still in the seireitei.

Ichigo sat in one of the small rooms in the shop back room. The two kids were sleeping this late, so he’d helped himself to green tea. Achilles, and later Medusa, Cu and Shinji of all people, joined him before Urahara did the same. He left the sliding door open so they could see Rukia sleeping from where they sat.

“Since when can Zanpakutou manifest themselves outside of a shinigami?” Ichigo asked. Urahara seemed to know everything. Yet, now he shook his head. Shiniji looked troubled.

“I don’t know. Yoruichi is checking things out in the seireitei. The rest of us can't enter, and even if we could it would be dangerous with our zanpakutou. All of us were captains at one point or another…”

Shifting cloth made Ichigo looked to where Rukia had tilted her head towards them. She was exhausted, but awake.

“It was a nightmare.”

She recounted the tale of Muramasa, a zanpakutou who sought to free Zanpaktou from their shinigami. He turned their own power against them. Only Orihime could really fight back. everyone else had lost their abiltiies outside of kido.

“Is everyone alright?” Ichigo asked the doorway. Yoruichi appeared half a second later. She huffed at him. He’d discovered she hated it when he caught her trying to sneak up on him.

“Everyone was okay. There were low casualties at least. It was mostly property destruction, and smaller injuries. The worst of it was squad one. But the medic center made it through. Soi Fon and the rest of the stealth force went after them. The Head Captain is also missing. Kyoraku has taken the reigns for now,” she tilted her head towards Ichigo. “Has anything changed with your zanpakutou?”

Ichigo frowned. “Sort of. They were acting strangely the other day, but nothing like this.:”

“ So the enemies power can't reach us here,” Urahara surmised. “At least not for the time being.”

“When dawn breaks, I'll go back,” Yoruichi decided. “Little Byakuya is the only captain still missing. But he's a strong person. I wouldn't worry too much,” she added when Rukia looked panicked.

“Byakuya won't die,” Ichigo added. He shot Rukia a smile. “He's too damn stubborn. He's like you that way.”

Rukia was apparently strong enough to hit Ichigo in the face with a pillow.  

* * * *

Yuzu peered through the window into the training room inside the hospital. It was too big to fit inside the building, but she was getting used to weird things these days.

Laying the middle of it was Uryu, one of Ichigo’s friends and Ryuken’s son.

“Is he going to be okay?” she asked, peering up at Ryuken.

“He’ll be fine,” he said with certainty. “It’s important to his training. He’s determined to put himself in danger. I can’t let him do that without being able to defend himself. Your brother is an awful influence.”

Yuzu smiled sweets up at him. “Yeah, he definitely is.”

“You should really leave these things to them,” Ryuken said for the millionth time.

Yuzu ignored him, and took out her glasses.

Ryuken had made them for her. They had the faintest blue tinge to them, and when she put them on she could finally see things clearly. Before if she saw anything it would be blurry, like heat on cement in the summer, but with the glasses on it was clear as day.

They entered the training room and Ryuken took her past the passed out Uryu to a shooting range on the opposite end. The cross hanging from Yuzu’s wrist pulsed faintly. The room felt like it was full of energy.

It was that same energy that Yuzu pulled into her hand. It took her long minutes, and it had taken her weeks to get this far. She pulled strand by strand of power into her palm and let it stretch slowly into the shape of small, compact crossbow.

She couldn’t place the expression on Ryuken’s face.

“You don’t need to aim,” he told her quietly. “It’s just like pointing. Your body will know what to do. Just focus on where you want to hit and shoot.”

Yuzu nodded. The pale blue light of her crossbow flickered brighter, nearly white, and she stared hard at the ring hung on a wall.

She shot and clipped the outside edge.

Ryuken nodded beside her. His arms crossed over his chest.

“Again.”

She obeyed.  

* * * * *

Ichigo stood beside Yoruichi in the wide field in the seireitei. Behind them the senkaimon clicked shut.

“We should go sou- what are you doing?” Yoruichi looked down at Ichigo, who was crouched on the ground and drawing intently. The array was both familiar and foreign. He’d had to make a lot of adjustments to it to get it work like this.

From inside his sleeve he pulled out a serpents eye pendant. The feeling of running water came across his palm and he lay the pendant in the middle of the array. It flickered faintly with violet light.

“I had to promise the others I’d bring them along this time. If we don’t do it this way as soon as they enter the afterlife they’ll get dragged back to the Throne of Heroes. So we’re kind of improvising now,” he admitted. “We set up an anchor point back in Karakura that would link them to me with the pendant. A serpents eye. It’s a sort of mystic material.”

Ichigo pulled Zangetsu off his back and planted the blade in the ground. He pressed his palm to the blade and let it cut through his skin. Red ran across the blade and flowed to the ground. The array lit up, blue and red.

“Let silver and steel be the essence. Let stone and the archduke of contracts be the foundation. Fill, fill, fill, fill, fill. Repeat five times and after each is filled, destroy it,” The blue light turned red and lashed upwards. Yoruichi watched him with wide, golden eyes.  

“I shall become all the goodness of the heaven’s. I shall embody all evils of hell. My will creates your body, and your sword cleaves my destiny. If you obey this will and reason, heed my call! Let shut the four cardinal gates and open the three-forked road winding to the Root. Appear now, thou Guardian of the Scales.”  

The light crawled higher and higher until it made the silhouette of three people. It flashed once, brilliant enough Ichigo had to close his eyes.

When he opened them again, Achilles, Medusa, and Cu stood in front of him.

Ichigo grinned slowly.  

It worked.

The three peered around them curiously.

“So this is it?” Medusa asked, turning around in a slow circle.

“I was expecting more river's,” Achilles admitted. Cu snorted at him.

“This is it,” Ichigo cracked his neck from side to side. “It’s time to get to work.”

* * * * * * 

Some of you may notice that I’ve used both feminine and masculine pronouns for Mordred at this point. I also know. My personal headcanon is that Mordred is gender fluid

[marriedzukka]

Hey there!! 🦝 💙 I’m back, as promised.

Buckle up! I got a lot of thoughts and feelings and I’m here to express ‘em:

There are some things that need to be processed in safe connection with another person. So it makes sense that now Zuko has both a safe connection, as well as having someone else helping with the day-to-day with Izumi, that there’s finally space to process all the grief. But, of course, the guy is gonna repress that shit as long as he can. That’s on brand.

Oh no, the grey hair existential crisis!! Just dye your hair purple and pretend you’re still young. Not that I’m speaking from experience. Not me. Nope. 👀

I mean, I totally get Azula being anxious about how fast they��re moving. I love how you show how difficult it is for them to break unhealthy patterns of communication, and that they’re really trying, and that they really do love each other!! Also, Azula healing through connecting with Jin and with her therapist is The Good Shit. 🤌

Sokka being like, “you can wake me up to talk, or maybe we could ‘do an activity together’?” Call this pick-up line “the old reliable.” 🙄🤣

When I first read the teapot situation I gasped SO hard, then immediately went into problem-solving mode and was thinking they could do some real cute kintsugi family craft together. But I also totally get the important lesson Izumi needs to learn that being sorry doesn’t fix everything. Especially now, knowing your niece’s plant story.

Sokka better be Flynn Rider for Halloween!! Zuko would never live it down.

Katara: “I didn’t say it was smart, but it’s a possibility.”

Me: *sucks teeth* Yikes! Reading this man for filth when he’s not even here!! 🤣🤣

Social worker Aang makes so much sense and it’s a thing I never knew I needed in my life.

The “Haven’t you done enough for me? Aren’t you sick of this yet?” line got me SO BAD. Shattered into 1 million pieces. 💔❤️‍🩹

I LOVE that you had Hakoda be super real with him here about his grief because that normalizes the hell out of what Zuko’s going through.

This argument after Mai’s phone call!! 👀 HOLY SHIT!! This is some very productive conflict, they definitely needed to have this conversation about Sokka feeling shut out. I love the dialogue!!

The flashback to 17-year-old Zuko and the cannon dialogue. I’m fucking WRECKED over here!!

Big Oof. We’re really in it now aren’t we? Because the avoiding and distracting was good for him, honestly, until he was ready to really feel all this. But when he was ready to feel it all he freaked out and postponed it for a few weeks which led to all the shutting out, feeling confused, lots of shame and guilt, etc. Like DAMN how do you write like this???? I’m so impressed and emotional and blown-the-fuck-away by the way this story unfolded because it’s SO REAL!! People really do this!!

Broken heart-itis is a phrase I will be using as part of my daily lexicon, I want you to know this.

I LOVE that Uncle did his own therapeutic letter writing to Lu Ten. 😭😭 You got Uncle helping Zuko with his grief even still. ❤️

“but when that happens, when the grief comes hungry, he’ll feed it and keep going.” I want to have this quote in my social worker office, would you be cool with that? I definitely won’t if you don’t want me to. I’ve got a bunch of quotes in there and I point them out whenever I have a client who I think would need to hear it because sometimes words… *gestures vaguely* they do be hard. And this one… damn. It perfectly illustrates how to feel your painful emotions without shame and without spiraling into thinking you’ve lost all the progress you’ve made. Again, I’m just… blown-the-fuck-away by this.

Ok. I think that about covers everything I was thinking. I’m high-key sad that this story is wrapping up because it’s been so fucking good. Having these updates to look forward to have been Real Enough to Get Me Through this pandemic nonsense, for sure. As always, much love to you and I hope you’re well and healthy and that you did well on the COVID test. 💙

- your most voracious and vocal fan, 🦝

HELLO FRIEND <3 my long and rambling answer is under the read more because I also have a lot to say 😍😍

this made my night lol thank you for sharing these reactions!! at the end of the day I'm writing for myself but theres no way I would've made it to this point without kind people such as yourself sharing your excitement and encouraging me along!! so THANK YOU!!

the grey hair existential crisis was inspired by the grey thats recently started peppering through my own hair lol. this story only takes place within the span of a year, so I needed a way to keep showing the big picture of time passing and that seemed like a good way to introduce it. plus it ties in nicely later when Z is thinking about what S would look like when they get older :')

on Azula- even though shes in the background I still wanted to show that shes been on her own path too, and Z is definitely a big part of that. I think she looks up to him so much even though she hates to admit that. also i was DYING to finally throw in some jinzula and not just hint at it, so that was fun.

I'm so glad you liked the katara/aang/toph scene! it's always tough writing roundtable conversations like that because there are so many distinct voices/viewpoints to keep track of and I'm always afraid that it gets clunky or confusing. But it was important to me to show S opening up to them and taking their advice. I think he was probably getting in his head too much worrying about Z and he really needed that reset with help from his family and friends.

I almost cut that hakoda scene because for a while I couldn't quite figure out where to place it and how to force the two of them together and have Z in a mindset where he would even think to ask about it. Originally the frog scene was the same, but when Z started to spiral, he got up and left on his own to take a break, and ran into Hakoda in the house. but no matter how many times I tried to make that work I hated every outcome. I dont know why but that whole scene out of this entire chapter was the most challenging to push through and figure out. But I didnt want to cut the Hakoda conversation bc I really wanted Z to try to get someone else's perspective, and I wanted to show that he's still developing relationships with characters other than S. But speaking of S, I realized that scene was a good opportunity to show that he WAS paying attention and realized that Z needed help and wasnt about to ask for it himself, so he stepped in.

also OOF the argument scene. I actually loved writing that, despite the angst. I knew going into this chapter that it really needed some conflict, and that Z's internal wrestling wouldnt be enough. it needed to reach a point where he couldn't deny it anymore and they needed to communicate with words. it was cathartic to write and hopefully cathartic for you read

broken heart-itis was also inspired by my niece lol- shes a big fan of doc mcstuffins and once gave me a check-up for my "headache-itis" and told me to "drink iced coffee, take naps, and sleep good" 😂 I was like...okay yes ma'am

I almost cut out Irohs letter too😳 can you tell I get in my own head too much??? I really liked trying to write in his voice though so I’m glad I kept it!

ALSO- you are totally welcome to use the quote, I would be honored!!! that's so sweet and amazing! I used to have a bunch of quotes in my office at my old social work job too, they were so helpful on those days when my brain was just like, No. Not Today.

anyway, I hope you've enjoyed reading my rambling response, I really could talk about this story all day lol. Hopefully you're cool with all this behind-the-scenes talk!!

OH AND I saw your second ask too, that means a lot :) That scene with sokka+izumi is so special to me and I'm so happy that people liked it and still think of it!!! 💙💙💙

ANYWAY THANK YOU raccoon <3 you made me smile today!!!!

[amatchinwater]

Holy hell, I did it! Blacked out!! This was so much fun!

Warnings: Major Character DeathS (two mentioned, one mildly explained, and two that hurt), blood, zombies

Words: 2974

Z-Day

Day 0:

Going to the cemetery to visit his mother used to be too painful to bear. Stiles would only ever go on her birthday or anniversary. No matter how bad of a day he had and could use some time to walk to her, he’d never go. At least not until Theo came back into his life and the two of them got together. His boyfriend has asked if he’d go visit Tara with him. Theo’s older sister who died around the same time as his mother. It became their thing to do. To go to the cemetery and talk through their bad days and struggles with their lost relatives.

Much like today. The pair are trying to decide if they want to share a dorm or get an apartment close to campus. Sitting in front of his mother’s headstone seemed like the best place to hash it out.

Having learned a long time ago that Stiles uses humor as an escape, Theo tries to smooth his boyfriend’s general unease with a joke, “I wonder how many people are dead in this graveyard.” Because there’s still a few plots from the older times that have the bells attached to them in case someone was wrongfully pronounced dead.

Stiles chuckles and rubs his hands together, “hopefully all of them.” Someone screams a little ways away and it startles them for just a second. But it’s not like it’s an entirely uncommon occurrence. Grief has many different faces and sometimes you just need to scream it out. He gets it, has done his fair share of it. So Stiles shrugs it off and faces the stone slab with his mother’s name on it. “Sorry to come to you with another problem, mom, but we can’t seem to make a decision. We-“

He’s cut off by more screams, accompanied by groans and even gunshots echo in the distance, but close enough to be a cause for concern. Now that isn’t a common occurrence.

“What the fuck is going on?” Theo wonders aloud as they shoot to their feet.

Being nineteen and the son of a cop, Stiles carries around a firearm for protection. His pistol is snuggly holstered behind his back. But he’d rather not use it if he doesn’t have to since he technically shouldn’t have it to begin with. So he says, “let’s just get out of here. We can come back tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Theo answers out of habit rather than an actual response. He’s too busy staring at the plot beside Claudia’s to really be paying attention.

And Stiles fully understands why. The earth is moving. That’s not normal. A hand, decrepit and covered in sores from its decay pops out of the ground and Stiles yelps. Clutching Theo as they stumble backwards with wide eyes. That’s when they hear another garbled groan right behind them. Which both boys choose to ignore for now, entrapped in the sight of someone quite literally crawling out of its grave. Another hand joins and Stiles can literally hear the bones and joints popping and cracking as the- man? Woman? It’s far too decayed to even tell really- pulls its head from the disturbed dirt.

Yeah, that’s gonna be a fucking no watching clumps of dirt and grass fall from its opening mouth. Stiles gags and then a hand grabs his shoulder really hard. He and Theo whip around to see another one- another person looking like George Romero himself depicted it- another zombie tries to lunge for them. Stiles has never been so quick to pull his gun from behind his back and fire it dead center before. With a bullet right between its eyes, the undead monster collapses to the ground, lifeless once more.

For good measure, he turns and shoots the one attempting to escape its burial right now. “Stiles, we gotta go. Now!” Theo tugs his arm and though his legs feel like lead, fight or flight kicks in and the two run back towards the jeep.

Day 176:

After everything happened, Stiles and Theo somehow- by the skin of their fucking teeth if they’re being honest- go out of the city and met up with Derek, Isaac, Cora, and Jackson in the rebuilt Hale home. They’ve made it their base and are hoping with its massive size and being so deep in the preserve that it can stay that way. Maybe even fill it with people they know if they’re ever able to find them. There’s all sorts of traps set up in the vicinity. Sharpened wood spikes that they carved line the area along with several hidden holes with much smaller stakes. They were kind enough to put signs up so that way if an actual person and not a zombie walked by they wouldn’t accidentally fall in. Much closer to the house, basically where the tree line starts, they have wires attached to tin cans and bells so that way if by some off chance one of the undead make it past the other traps, they’ll hear them before they reach the house.

His father made it as well he found out before the cell towers gave out and has made a fortress out of the sheriff’s station to help people where they can. If they can. He gave a good chunk of their weapons to Stiles so that way they were protected. Stiles is a little too paranoid living that close to the city, but he talks to his dad most nights through the radio. So at least it’s something.

The only time that they ever leave the house is if they need to go on a supply run. Like today. Isaac, Cora, and Jackson stayed home to make sure that no zombies get through or people looking for trouble. You’d think at the end of the world humans would find a way to work together. But of course not. Some- not all- are just as bad as the damn zombies and could give zero fucks about you.

At least the zombies are pretty fucking dumb. Moaning and groaning their way around like slugs. Until they smell you. They get a little quicker then. Like how a cheetah runs at about half speed until they’re closer to their prey. And they’re not just hungry for your brains like comics and movies suggest. A zombie will just as quickly eat your toe as anywhere else. Whatever they can sink their decaying teeth into is for the taking. While the first few weeks were absolutely terrifying, you’d be surprised how quickly you become desensitized to seeing the carnage. It still sucks and is kind of heart breaking- especially when it’s someone you knew even in passing like Donovan or Tracy- to literally witness, but at least Stiles doesn’t throw up over it anymore.

His anxiety might get the best of him at times, but Stiles has gotten really good with his machete. Theo wields the baseball bat from when he was on the team, but now it has a bunch of nails going through it. Derek uses his dad’s old hunting knife like it’s an extension of his hand and not even a weapon. Theo also carries a shotgun while the other two have pistols holstered on their hips. Try it quietly first. It not only conserves your ammo, but also helps not draw any unwanted attention.

It’s shocking but also a little unsettling that they have yet to run out of houses to go through. A few times they’ve gone into a home that wasn’t occupied with anyone from the living, but has had its fair share of zombies. Looked like it happened internally sometimes too. Someone got bit and didn’t tell anybody. That’s part of why they make sure they’re thorough in checking one another when they get back from a run. Every. Single. Time. No exceptions, no excuses. You get bit somewhere that can’t be amputated, you die. Deaton managed to survive by cutting part of his leg off in time.

Mid summer it’s hot as balls, but Stiles, Theo, and Derek have jackets and long, tough pants on. The more fabric the less chance you’ll be scratched and if you’re lucky enough it can prevent a close call with a bite. And they’re careful, always watching each other’s backs and never splitting up until they’re in the house and it’s been cleared of zombies first. After doing just that, Derek offers to do a sweep of the first floor for food and maybe batteries, things like that. Leaving the second floor to Stiles and Theo.

Going into a house of someone who had once had a kid always sucks. There’s no way around it really. Even more so when it’s an empty house like this. You find yourself wondering if they managed to successfully escape. The car in the driveway would suggest otherwise, but there’s no blood or carnage to paint a worse story. So Stiles will hold out hope for the family he’s never met. Hope that they were as lucky as he was.

Closing the bedroom door of the very apparent little girl, Stiles makes his way to the master bedroom to find Theo. His boyfriend has a pile of clothes and a first aid kit sitting on the king size bed. The door to the connecting bathroom is still open and there’s clattering inside. “Score!” Theo whoops softly to himself, unbeknownst of Stiles’ presence just yet.

He can’t quite see what Theo’s found, as he’s still crouched under the sink. “Care to share with the rest of the class what’s so great?” Stiles asks, chuckling when his boyfriend jolts, nearly hitting his head.

“God, Stiles,” Theo laughs to hide that his boyfriend startled him. But his grin turns wicked when his blue eyes lock on amber pools. “This,” he says, producing an unopened tube of lube. Stiles’ cheeks burn instantly that Theo keeps an eye out for this stuff. Then again, it is a little odd that they haven’t seem to run out yet. “I believe ‘fuck me senseless, Theo,’ was your exact request this morning.”

Stiles bites his lip because that indeed was what came out of his mouth when they woke up, but Derek came to ask them to go on this run. “Well aren’t you the attentive boyfriend.”

“Attentive husband is more like it,” Theo whispers, but Stiles caught it anyway.

“What was that?”

“Huh?” Theo lifts his eyes from the floor, “oh, uh, you know. Nothing?” He does a very good impression of when Stiles narrows his eyes and worries his lip with his tongue when he tries to avoid something. “You’re not gonna let it go, are you?”

“Not a chance, spill, Raeken,” Stiles smiles despite trying to sound assertive. He fails. It’s as teasing as his smile suggests.

Theo sighs, “okay,” digging into his pocket he pulls out a small purple bag with black yarn sealing it. “Last time I went on a run with Cora and Isaac we passed a jeweler. There weren’t any zombies around and the two of them wanted to get rings for each other. So we figured why not?” Shaky fingers untie the string and two silver bands fall into Theo’s palm and Stiles’ breath gets lodged in his throat. “I found two in our sizes while there.”

His eyes burn with tears when he tears them away from Theo’s hand to look at equally watery, blue eyes. “Theo,” Stiles whispers.

“I used to joke when we were kids that I’d marry you one day,” he properly gets on one knee, holding the smaller of the two bands out. “I’m not going to let a bunch of zombies change the fact that my joke has turned into something that I actually want. What about you? Do you want to marry me?”

As if that was something he’d needed to be asked in the first place. Stiles said yes even when they were kids before Theo had to move away. “Of course,” he says, tears streaking his cheeks as he throws himself at Theo.

Settling Stiles in his lap, Theo pulls him into a kiss, licking in his mouth and spreading heat everywhere. He laughs breathlessly when they pull away, grabbing Stiles’ hand to slide the ring on his finger. “I love you, Stiles.”

“I love you, too,” Stiles grins, putting the offered silver band on Theo’s finger.

Day 745:

It’s been two years since Z-Day as Stiles likes to call it. They lost Jackson about four months back. That fucking stung watching someone he’s known since he was a little kid- all bullying aside- get torn apart right in front of him and Stiles being powerless to stop it. The two of them were doing a routine check of the perimeter spikes and not only did one of their pits have a few zombies, but there were some scattered around the mounted ones. They cleared the hole first easily enough. But when they tried to kill two that were impaled on the same trap, their combined thrashing got one of them loose and it went straight for Jackson’s jugular. Stiles had to use his gun to dispose of the last two and very painfully put Jackson out of his misery.

It sucked. He cried. Couldn’t even bring himself to leave after he finished. Just crumbled to the grass and allowed himself to grieve. It took less than five minutes for Theo and Derek to find them, Cora, Isaac, and their newest addition Liam staying behind to hold the fort. Stiles hadn’t seen Derek this broken since the man told him what happened to Peter when they made their escape from his uncle’s downtown apartment. Theo’s arms immediately found their way around Stiles to hold him.

No matter how “used to it” you get, it never really stops the nightmares. It also doesn’t help when it’s been upwards of two weeks since Stiles has heard or saw his dad. He’s antsy, suddenly full of more energy than he knows what to do with and is itching to go find out if something happened. It took one look from Theo before they gathered their weapons and headed out to the sheriff’s station.

Usually they’re careful. Never going out in groups smaller than three and never when two are already doing a perimeter check. But this is his fucking dad. Stiles couldn’t wait any longer. He needed to know. But when they got there, there’s no way in hell his dad survived, but Stiles holds out hope. The place is surrounded by at least a dozen zombies and the double doors have been busted open. There’s no way of knowing how long ago it happened, but he hasn’t seen a single one in a uniform, so that has to count for something.

But they weren’t careful this time. They went just by themselves and Theo brought a pistol instead of his shotgun because Liam was using it to help Derek sweep the grounds. When they got down to the last two, things got a little screwy. Theo was pushed into a corner and had yet to reach his gun, but Stiles was dealing with a burly son of a bitch and couldn’t shake it long enough to go help. His boyfriend’s shout as he tries to fight his off distracted Stiles long enough for the big one to gain the upper hand.

The zombie pushes Stiles into the side of the sheriff’s station and his head wacks against the wall; hard. Just enough to blur his vision and make his arms slip for a scary moment. He hears Theo yell and his gun go off before suddenly he’s tackling the damn thing to the ground. It was a good move, but oh so stupid. When they hit the ground, Stiles can only watch in terror as the zombie’s jaw clamps around Theo’s ribs as he attempted to wrestle himself free.

“No!” Stiles screams, fumbling for his holstered gun and shoots the undead monster in its head. “Theo!” He rushes to the ground, “no, no, no,” his boyfriend coughs thickly, clenching his side. “Why would you do that?” Stiles pales as his blood runs cold. With the adrenaline no longer in his system, he can finally feel the bite on his shoulder, far too high to not be fatal.

“I couldn’t,” he huffs, groaning around clenched teeth, “I couldn’t let you die.”

“Theo,” Stiles’ eyes well, his head falling to his boyfriend’s chest, “it doesn’t matter. I-it bit me,” he sobs, fingers clenching in the fabric of Theo’s long sleeve shirt. “You could’ve lived!”

“In a world where you don’t exist?” Theo asks, coughing once more. His voice strained and thick. The zombie must have broken one of his ribs and it’s digging into his lung. “Not a chance. That was the last one out here at least. Come here,” he says, wrapping his arms around Stiles and laying them on their sides. Yeah, the concrete isn’t comfortable, but they’re dying anyway so what does it really matter?

“You know what we have to do,” Stiles takes a shaky breath, unable to meet his boyfriend’s eyes, knowing he’ll break if he does. “I can’t become one of those things. I can’t.”

“I know,” Theo tells him, pulling him up by his chin, “but we’re going to do it like we do everything else.”

“Together?” Stiles asks.

“Together,” Theo affirms, “on the count of three.”

“Okay,” he sniffles, aiming his pistol to the side of his boyfriend’s head, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” tears roll down Theo’s face when he leans in to kiss Stiles one last time. He keeps their foreheads resting against one another, “one.”

“T-two.”

“Three.”

Two shots echo the now empty parking lot, ensuring that the world doesn’t gain two more zombies.

[emilyofjane]

Why the Disney Princesses definitely need therapy: a Hot Take

Snow White

Losing her parents as a child and having to learn to take care of herself at a very young age (Snow White is 14 in the movie, and judging by her work ethic, she appears to at least have some experience with living independently before moving in with the 7 dwarves)

Lack of socialization due to isolation

Depression due to isolation and loneliness. This makes the whole “Someday My Prince Will Come” thing much more believable, because Snow White really isn’t in any sort of immediate danger and doesn’t need “saving” or whatever; she’s just tired of being alone and wants human companionship. (And tbh who can blame her? The poor girl’s literally talking to birds and moved in with the first group of humanoid creatures she could find ffs)

This one’s a bit of a stretch, but I’m pretty sure Snow White would also have an unhealthy fear of strangers and/or an irrational fear of being poisoned after the whole apple fiasco

Cinderella

Being raised in an abusive home environment for most (if not virtually all) of her life

The complete lack of positive social interaction throughout her life has probably led to problems with social withdrawal and isolation at some point, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she has repressed symptoms of chronic depression due to loneliness.

Her closest emotional confidants are literally two talking mice, and that just screams “My only friends are animals because their love is unconditional I’ve been invalidated and unloved by every human being in my life” (aka extreme emotional neglect)

She probably has tons of questions about her biological parents that were never answerd because, again, her stepfamily hated her, which would obviously lead to some emotional baggage

If we consider Cinderella III: A Twist in Time to be the new canon, she definitely has some unresolved PTSD from her near-death experience (the “almost getting crushed to death in the carriage because it was transforming back into a pumpkin” scene)

Aurora

Existential crisis because the three fairy godmothers basically rewrote her entire identity as “Rose” and hid the fact that she was a princess

Never knowing who her real parents were as a child, leading to emotional baggage similar to that of Cinderella and Snow White mentioned above

Either the emotional burden of having to make up for 16+ years of lost time with her biological family, or the grief of losing her biological family without ever getting the chance to know them (idk whether Aurora actually got to meet her parents by the end of the movie or if they died before she woke up, because I don’t remember exactly how much time had passed while she was in the coma)

Speaking of the spindle prick-induced magical coma (which is a really long-winded and inefficient way to kill someone honestly, idk what Melificent was thinking), Aurora also has to deal with the emotional burden of how much time has passed while she was in a coma, which would only further feed into the existential crisis and emotional trauma in bullet points 1 and 3.

(Also, off the record, but Aurora’s entire life post-movie is just a hot fucking mess and she really deserves a second movie exploring that concept imo. I know that Sleeping Beauty has already gotten a live-action villain spinoff, but the story of Aurora herself really deserves to be reexamined under a modern lens also. Aurora is easily one of the most overlooked Disney princesses and tbh she deserves more love.)

Belle (feat. the expanded lore from the live-action movie)

Witnessing her mother die from the plague in their own home

Being forceed to move from the more culturally progressive city of Paris to the unnamed “poor provential town” in the movie, where she is clearly the odd one out and is subject to gender inequality on a daily basis (in the form of being publically shamed and socially ostacized for being an educated woman)

Being regularly sexually harassed by Gaston, which is further exacerbated by the villagers and their close-mindedness. Not only is Gaston’s behavior enabled and encouraged by the villagers, but they even go so far as to idolize Gaston — as shown during his namesake song — despite his obviously predatory actions, simply because he is a cishet white man that they find conventionally attractive

Watching her father get arrested despite being 100% innocent...TWICE

Also being arrested when her father is wrongly convicted a second time, by none other than her abuser

Watching her lover — who besides her parents was the first person in her life who truly loved her and respected her intellect despite being a woman — nearly die in her arms, as well as everyone else in the castle (who ALSO respected her regardless of her gender) nearly die at the same exact time.

...And you know, Stockholm Syndrome or whatever. (But tbh, given how everyone in the castle was very kind and respectful and how the Beast was a tsundere at best, Belle would probably suffer far more from PTSD brought upon by Gaston and her previous environment than from “Stockholm Syndrome” in a castle where everyone actually treated her like a normal fucking human being. Unpopular opinion I know but as a sexual assault survivor this is literally a hill I will die on.)

Jasmine

I’ve actually never watched Aladdin all the way through, so unfortunately I can’t give a full analysis of Jasmine’s conflicts...but I have seen that gif of her saying “I am not a prize to be won” and that just screams “I’ve suffered a lifetime of female objectification and gender inequality despite my social status, and not even in the highest position of authority possible am I allowed to have a voice” and idk about you but that is really fucked up man

Ariel

PTSD from being manipulated by Ursula to give up her voice and nearly losing everything (both her previous life in the ocean and the promise of a new life on land with her love interest) because of it

Near-death experience from *vague hand gesture to whatever the fuck that was at the end of the movie*

Inevitable depression from abandoning the only home she’s ever known (the ocean) and leaving her friends and family behind

She’ll probably also need some form of behavioral therapy to help her adjust to her new home on land, whose culture is still extremely foreign to her — and maybe even additional therapy for social anxiety, given how her first 3 days of human interaction were so mortifyingly embarrassing that she’ll probably be laying wide awake at 3 AM and thinking “oh my god I can’t believe I looked Eric’s parents dead in the eyes and brushed my hair with a dinner fork” for the next 10 years.

Tiana

PTSD from literally being turned into a frog

Overworking herself to the point of near burnout, and being unable to fully live out her prime adult years because of said burnout

Constantly dealing with shitty customers, bosses, and other white-collared people disrespecting her and treating her as subhuman because of her career choice, which is unfortunately a common shared experience among restaurant workers and those who work hourly wages

Since this movie takes place in the United States presumably before the 1960’s, it’s probably safe to assume that Tiana also probably had to deal with segregation, Jim Crow laws, and other forms of racism off-screen on a daily basis, which would obviously take a toll on her mental well-being and further exacerbate the issues mentioned in #3

Grief from losing her dad, which has likely been repressed due to her workaholic tendencies denying her the ability to properly take the time to mourn

I don’t even know what to categorize the whole witch doctor shenanigans as, I just know that she and Naveen are both going to need some SERIOUS therapy after going through all that shit

Rapunzel

Being raised in an emotionally abusive and controlling environment for her entire life

Being completely isolated for 18 years with no social interaction whatsoever with anyone except her own abuser

Existential/identity crisis from discovering that she’s actually a princess, that her “mom” was actually the one who kidnapped her as a baby and tried to cut her hair, and that everything she knew about herself and the world she lived in was essentially a lie to keep her obedient to Gothel

Near-death experience (the drowning scene)

Internalized fear and mistrust in strangers — and quite possibly in people in general — due to Gothel’s lifelong warnings that people in the outside world would only want to take advantage of her

Watching the woman who raised her MERCILESSLY STAB THE ONLY OTHER PERSON SHE EVER KNEW AND LOVED IN THE GODDAMN CHEST

Watching the woman who raised her LITERALLY CRUMBLE TO DUST IN FRONT OF HER VERY EYES

WATCHING FLYNN, THE ONLY OTHER PERSON SHE EVER KNEW AND LOVED BESIDES HER GODDAMN ABUSER, FUCKING DIE RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER before she miraculously healed him

Because Flynn’s revival was such an uncanny revival that not even Rapunzel knew how she did it, she obviously thought he was gone for good...and since Gothel was gone also, there must’ve been at least a split second before she healed Flynn where, for the first time in her entire life, she was completely and utterly alone. That alone deserves to be a bullet point because holy shit

I’m not even going to get into Tangled: the Series man this list is getting too long as it is

Elsa

Losing her parents at a young age

Abandonment and isolation issues (mostly self-inflicted due to her own fear of hurting others, see #3)

Internalized fear and self-doubt of her powers — and, by extension, fear and self-doubt in herself

Guilt from nearly plunging Arendelle into an eternal winter

Guilt from almost losing her sister (twice!) due to her own direct actions

(Coinciding with #3) Guilt from isolating herself from her sister to protect her, only to nearly get her killed by the very thing she was trying to protect her from

Anxiety. Just lots and lots of general anxiety.

(Omitting Frozen 2 for Elsa because I haven’t seen it yet and this list is getting too long)

Anna

Also losing her parents at a young age

Abandonment and isolation issues, but hers are moreso due to Elsa “shutting her out” as a kid and having no one else her age in the castle to interact with

Lack of socialization in general for much of her childhood, as well as any social anxieties/lack of social knowledge and etiquette/etc. that would come with it

Abusive relationship with Hans (I know it was only one day, but holy fuck that was a trainwreck. What Hans did to Anna is a literal breeding ground for PTSD and trauma)

Coming to terms with the fact that the trolls fucking erased her memories of Elsa having ice powers and that Elsa isolated herself to protect her (and not, you know, because she hated her or something)

Leftover guilt from holding a grudge against Elsa for most of her childhood for shutting her out, because NO ONE BOTHERED TO TELL HER THAT IT WAS FOR HER OWN GOOD and she never knew why

Basically Anna and Elsa both need joint therapy or family counseling or something because holy shit their parents did NOT handle this situation properly AT ALL

(Also omitting Frozen 2 for Anna because I haven’t seen it and this list is also getting too long)

Moana

Surprisingly, Moana’s movie was relatively tame — in fact, because her tribe returned to voyaging and she is now exploring the seas/following her passion, these events were arguably beneficial to Moana’s mental health rather than detrimental. The only emotional baggage I can really imagine Moana having post-movie is leftover grief from her grandma dying and maybe the stress of having to put up with Maui’s shit

[fnibbet]

MY THOUGHTS ON THE NEW WANDAVISION EPISODE

Don’t click the cut if you don’t want spoilers, I won’t be shy with them, neither are they in chronological order. I’m not that good at theorizing but I’m just putting what I noticed out there.

PIETRO

Pietro is definitely not the Pietro we know. He is way too self aware, constantly refers to life outside of Westview, and as expected, has selective amnesia. Wanda directly asks about childhood memories of their own Halloweens, and he doesn’t answer correctly. Also, the line “you probably suppressed a lot of the trauma”. ohohoh. There is definitely something off, but he’s the couch surfer, good-with-kids, troublemaker uncle we expected, which I can excuse.

HOWEVER

“I’m just trying to do my part, okay? Come to town unexpectedly, create tension with the brother-in-law, stir up trouble with the rugrats, and ultimately give you grief. I mean, that’s what you wanted, isn’t it?” Also, “Next thing I know I heard you calling me” this is pretty disturbing. Who called him to Westview? Wanda says she did, but doesn’t know how she did it. Her reaction to him coming back just proves more she’s just a puppet to a higher power. Who? 

“Why do you look different?” Wanda is not the one who recast Pietro.

“If I see any funny business I’m going to magic you into a pickled herring” Is Wanda referring to the “red herring” writing tool? Is Pietro just a distraction? It would make sense given her color scheme is all about red... Let’s see if I’m right. Other than that it’s a funny gag.

LITERALLY EVERYTHING PIETRO SAYS IS DISTURBING AND/OR SHOWS HIS AWARENESS OF THE SITUATION.

OTHER WESTVIEW RESIDENTS

Several other Westview residents seemingly become aware of the situation; Wanda’s control is slipping. Herb asks, “Is there something I can do for you? Do you want something changed?” possibly referring to the whole simulation, not the neighborhood watch rounds on Halloween.

Agnes is scared. She is DEFINITELY NOT Mephisto or the one controlling the simulation. Vision snapped her from Wanda’s control, nothing fell apart, she was terrified. 

Speaking of Agnes: there is a parallel to 1x03 “Now In Colour” wherein Agnes hesitates before telling Vision he’s dead. “Because we’re all...” “Because we’re all what?” becomes a parallel to Vision saying “Because I’m what?”. All in all pretty disturbing, this could point to a theory in which all the Westview residents are either dead or blipped but didn’t come back. However I’m pointing for dead or just missing, because there was nothing mentioned about missing people after the blipped were brought back in other movies. Marvel is notoriously bad about handling the consequences of the blip though, so I’m not holding my breath.

“Huh... These people, near the edge of town...They're barely moving. Are they alive?” Jimmy inadvertently says the most horrifying things...

THE TWINS

One of the twins has super speed, the other, reality-bending powers and telepathy. “A chip off the old Maximoff block” indeed.

WANDA: And please just remember to-- BOTH: Don't go past Ellis Avenue. We know, Mom. We know. Ellis Avenue is the edge of town, and the theory that kids can’t be mind controlled is proven correct: Agnes’ comment about that is mirrored. Wanda has apparently told the twins repeatedly to not go past Ellis Avenue. She can’t mind control them so she does the next best thing, set believable, parental restrictions and boundaries, like any “normal” parent would do, but with a far different intent behind it. Yikes.

I read on another post that Westview is basically Wanda living out her parents’ perfect life: this seems really logical now that her twins display the exact same powers as her and Pietro.

S.W.O.R.D.

Hayward is a ✨d i c k✨

The stinky bastard is just as sus as we expected, he’s looking for the vibranium decay signature inside the anomaly to monitor Vision, assumingly to see how fast he’s dying. HE CAN SEE INSIDE WESTVIEW FOR GODSAKES.

Vision started decaying and being sucked back into Westview the instant he got out. He cannot exist outside the Maximoff anomaly.

Monica’s cells have been rewritten several times by the energy inside the anomaly: could this be a new super’s birth? A new Scarlet Witch?

That said, what kind of powers does she gain? The same kind used to keep the people in Westview “alive” (between quotes cause I’m not sure of my theory yet), so either the same powers as Wanda, or something involving immortality. Either way, holy shit I can’t wait.

Not only could Hayward see inside Westview, it was noted by SWORD people that a lot of people suddenly stopped moving. Wanda needs to focus on them moving to be able to control them: it gets a bit buggy and stops entirely later. Maybe it’s because she was focused on Pietro and the twins? The timeline between Wanda and Vision’s respective actions wouldn’t line up though.

S.W.O.R.D literally got ABSORBED by Wanda’s bubble expanding. What happens to Darcy?? She’s the only one of the trio who didn’t escape!!

THE AD

A recurring theme so far, this one is weirder than ever. No HYDRA or Stark symbolism this time, that’s probably been dropped with the advancing of the decades. The snack advertised is called “Yo-Magic: The snack for survivors.” Make of that what you will...

A TEMPORAL ANACHRONISM

This might be nothing, but I still find it interesting. The sign of the movie theater in one of the scenes lists two movies playing: The Incredibles and The Parent Trap. The first movie won’t come out until 2004, but The Parent Trap came out in 1998, which makes the timeline of the episode very fuzzy. Additionally, the twins didn’t age themselves up, they had no reason to, but it’s still suspicious. Does this happen in the 90s or the early 2000s?? The episode is in the style of a 90s sitcom (turned psych horror) and the show isn’t supposed to hit the early 2000s until episode 7, unless Wanda’s decided to speed things up. But why?

THE SITCOM THEME

Yes, I am making an entirely new bullet just for this. It is so disturbing.

🎶Wanda, Wanda Vision 🎶

Don't try to fight the chaos

Don't question what you've done

The game can try to play us

Don't let it stop the fun

Some days it's all confusion

Easy come and easy go

But if it's all illusion

Sit back, enjoy the show

Let's keep it going

Let's keep it going

Through each distorted day

Let's keep it going

Though there may be no way of knowing

Who's coming by to play

Holy fuck, okay. Shit’s been dialed up to 11. Buckle up.

[asteroiideae]

okay, so I don’t make these kinds of posts often because tbh I’m a little lazy and very tired like 24/7 lmao but I’ve been seeing a lot of Pride reading lists hit my dash (and they’re excellent, and I save them all!) buuuut reading books is still a roadblock I’m struggling to mentally overcome -- and audiobooks are great, but they take 84 years (sometimes literally???) to get through. so! I thought I’d share a (very tiny) list of the queer manga I’ve read this year that you might enjoy for Pride, with some descriptions/trigger warnings/thoughts to go with them. so here we go in no particular order other than where they sit on my bookshelf:

What Did You Eat Yesterday? by Fumi Yoshinaga

okay so I know I go on about this manga at literally every presented opportunity, but I honestly just can’t help myself??? as a thirty-something queer adult, I really love the quiet maturity of this relationship between Shiro and Kenji; especially when it’s highlighted by references to shenanigans of their youth, and the ways in which they are still growing as both individuals and a couple. I’ve only read the first six volumes but I’m OBSESSED.

Status: Ongoing (17 volumes; 15 translated) Summary: Shiro and Kenji are an established adult couple with separate careers and interests, whose relationship is depicted over the meals cooked for them by Shiro. This doesn’t have an overarching plot, which might be off-putting for some readers; each chapter can be compared to a fanfic one-shot, usually containing it’s own tiny storyline or theme. It’s literally just domestic moments and meals shared between these men. Warnings: While I didn’t personally have a problem with this, younger readers might find some of the dated terms offensive. If you’ve spent any time with older queer folks (older as in 45-50+) this won’t be anything you aren’t used to, but if your experience of queer folx skews younger or online, you might get taken by surprise. There’s also some internalized homophobia; and by some I mean quite a bit. Shiro’s personal arc (at least in the first six volumes) heavily revolves around how much he closets himself and tries desperately to pass as “normal” in Japanese business culture.

Boys Run The Riot by Keito Gaku

holy shit holy shit holy SHIT. this story is so good??? so VERY good??? I was a little cautious, and a little bit uninterested in a story about teens (only because I’m in my thirties and crave more adult representation,) but I was VERY WRONG to be. Boys Run The Riot is beautifully drawn, beautifully written, and probably my favorite work on this list. the mangaka is also trans so the inherent understanding and nuance of our protagonist’s experience is really lovely. Also featuring a fantastic brotp between a trans boy and his new himbo bestie; no seriously if you want a story about a trans boy getting to have good broships with other boys his own age I CANNOT stress this enough. Volume two is releasing next month; I have it preordered. I’m laying on my floor wishing for time to hurry the fuck up. I need more of this smol angry trans boy and his big soft himbo bff. PLS. Status: Ongoing (4 volumes published; 2 translated) Summary: Ryo Watari is a second year high school student who is trans and struggling to feel comfortable with his very rigidly structured life at school, at home, and among his friends (to whom he is not out.) By chance he meets Jin Sato, a cis boy who also feels outcast (often judged for his appearance without any deeper thought.) When Ryo comes out to Jin in a state of frustration, Jin accepts who Ryo is and makes an offer -- why not start a fashion line that subverts all the expectations that have been put on them both; why not express themselves even when they’ve been told they shouldn’t. Warnings: Ryo is struggling with gender dysphoria, and it is written by someone who has probably experienced it, so it might be a little real for any trans folks who deal with that. Also, while neither the narrative nor Jin misgender Ryo (at least, not once he expresses to Jin that he is a man), Ryo is not out to anyone else and so he frequently is misgendered at school and we see how badly that impacts him and the way he views himself and processes his emotions. Ryo spends a lot of time being angry and trying to swallow it down, and that can be very raw to witness at times. There is also a depiction of unsafe binding (though the mangaka has an immediate note about binding safety, and goes further in-depth at the back of the manga.)

Our Dining Table by Mita Ori

okay, so I was a bit on the fence about whether or not I wanted to include this as a rec, but I decided that it might actually been what someone wants or needs, so here it is! while I really enjoyed this concept, and I’m always a sucker for found family stories (let me tell you I’m queer without telling you I’m queer, much?) it feels like this story is a bit rushed at times, and the romantic relationship between our protagonists is very blink and you’ll miss it. I don’t even want to call it subtle so much as it is just not remotely the focus of the story so it’s a little startling when it happens. but! if you’re looking for a story about adults processing grief and trauma together, and learning how to care for another person (and as a result, learning how to care for themselves,) this is a nice read that isn’t too heavy!  Status: Complete (one volume) Summary: Yutaka is a salaryman whose past experiences prevent him from reaching out to others, even through something so simple as sharing a meal. Despite this is REALLY loves to cook, and wishes he had a reason to do it more often. Then he meets Minoru, and his muuuuuch younger brother Tane (it’s like a 17 year age gap between the brothers?) and finds himself teaching them how to cook, and overcoming his fear of eating in front of others. Warnings: Good news, there’s no overt homophobia in this story! Bad news, the other trauma makes up for it! We have a lot of trauma surrounding parental death, childhood bullying, and adoption; in addition to an actual fear of eating in front of others.

Our Dreams at Dusk / Shimanami Tasogare by Yuhki Kamatani

this is the first manga series I collected, and I’m still very pleased about that. the art is ABSOLUTELY stunning? the use of visual imagery and surreal analogies to explain queerness is fucking on POINT. I cried so hard during a couple of these volumes I developed a migraine. I only have one piece of critique on the whole thing (addressed in the warnings,) and I intend to do another re-read when I’m ready for the catharsis of sobbing into my pillow again. Like Boys Run The Riot, Our Dreams at Dusk is drawn and written by a member of the queer community (a non-binary mangaka, this time,) and as a result it hits pretty fucking close to home in a lot of ways. while I really love this series it’s super not for the faint of heart, you WILL come out of this reading experience with some things to unpack. Status: Completed (4 volumes; 4 translated) Summary: We mostly follow Tasuku Kaname, as he is outted at school by a classmate as being homosexual, and his initial despair and subsequent journey of acceptance. In this process, Tasuku finds himself at a drop-in center, which seems to primarily function as a safe space for queer people; we meet several lesbians, an elderly gay man, a trans character, and a young character who isn’t ready for any kind of label because they are still ??? about themselves and their identity. Each of these “secondary” characters is given room to breathe and to work through difficulties of their own while Tasuku watches and learns that even though life is hard sometimes, there’s beauty to be found in one’s own strength. Warnings: hoooo boy; well there’s all kinds of homophobia and transphobia; a character is outted against their will (multiple times), there’s some really insidious transphobia covered by “concern”, there’s internalized homophobia everywhere, and a very complicated asexual character whose presentation left me (as an ace) with super mixed feelings and a lot of frustration (though I wouldn’t call it bad necessarily; just wanted to put that out there for my fellow asexual folks.) If you have read (or go on to read!) any of these, please let me know! I’d love to chat about the stories, and hear your thoughts on them -- because we’re a broad/diverse community and our own experiences shape us differently and give us different insights. <3 ANYWAY, for those of you who read this monstrous self-indulgent post, thank you! Feel free to add any queer manga you’ve been reading below - I’m always on the hunt for more recs!