#the funniest part is i did virtually all of the work before i thought i would even be posting it. i just really like making lists

[krscblw]

ok the ghoul perfume list is officially drafted, i just have to proofread it tomorrow. but fair warning y'all it is almost 2000 words. so. sorry?

[antisocialbimbo]

cw vent

my thoughts are all over the place. i just need to, try? to put them into words here before they’re taken away from me.

it feels virtually impossible to be programmed; to be a highly complex system, in fact just typing it as if the label was apart of me is painful and difficult to do. it just explains so many things. but what if i made up all these things? what if i’m experiencing delusions of being traumatized to that extent, or even traumatized in general? i mean, i literally remember NOTHING from before i was 13. even after 13, it’s extremely fuzzy. all i really know between then and now is that i’ve aged. i am in fact, 18 now. which doesnt make sense. i wonder why i’m not 12-13 sometimes, i know time has passed but it hasn’t been me passing that time. i’ll forget this ever happened soon.

i know did isn’t just an alter disorder and i shouldn’t focus mainly on that aspect, but it’s the hardest part of even trying to accept myself. i don’t know who i am, nor do i know often, but the changes are not obvious. rarely noticeable. i can only really tell who i am by scrolling through simplyplural until i recognize myself, which STILL doesn’t work sometimes. but how is it possible to split constantly like i seemingly do? everything feels wrong. i don’t know.

i don’t really have access to any “innerworld” either. i mean, part of me has knowledge of whats going on inside but i cant see or talk to anyone. there is a lot of trafficking and rape being perpetrated in the innerworld. i know theres a few early teens in there who are sex alters, and have names and pronouns like whore, slut, and creampie. i don’t know, man. there’s endless demons and angels and gory figures that just wail and scream and hurt people. some things just can’t do anything but cry. there are alters masturbating themselves with mammal organs. there are dead body npcs in orgies all day and night. it’s animalistic in there. so much murder, dismemberment, cannibalism, torture, fuck it’s ugly. i don’t even know how i know all of this. maybe i’m making it all up.

the funniest part though is that i am so desperate to unlock memories to figure out the truth but at the same time, when there is even the slightest hint that there is actual trauma i flip out and go on a suicidal rampage and cut myself up and down everywhere and i have to hold myself back from attempting suicide. sometimes it doesnt even feel like its me feeling that way. but it also is me. why do i spiral every single day? god, my head is spinning. i need answers. but my body and i cannot handle the truth whatever it may be. the signs are so strong, but the amnesiac barriers are so high i don’t know anything. and it feels like i never will.

[yesthatssadirichardslove]

'Sanford and Son' at 50, 'double-edged' Black sitcom pioneer

LOS ANGELES

When Demond Wilson heard that Redd Foxx was going to star in a TV sitcom, the actor brushed it off as a joke.

Foxx was a killer stand-up comic, with a trademark raunchiness that Wilson figured to be a nonstarter for the timid broadcast networks that were television in 1972. It was the eve of cable, and the rise of streaming was decades away.

“It would be like bringing a dog to a cat party,” is how Wilson described the notion of Foxx invading TV in a recent Associated Press interview.

But the comedian cleaned up his act for the small screen, and “Sanford and Son," with Wilson co-starring as Foxx's beleaguered adult son, debuted 50 years this month on NBC. An instant ratings smash, it opened the door for other Black family shows to move into the virtually all-white TV neighborhood.

Norman Lear, who had roiled network waters the year before with the topically driven CBS sitcom “All in the Family,” said serendipity led to “Sanford and Son.” Lear and Bud Yorkin, his producing partner, were in Las Vegas when they caught a lounge act featuring Foxx.

“We met with him and came back to L.A. sky high” about creating a Foxx-centered sitcom, Lear said in an email exchange. “Miraculously, several days later a British agent, Beryl (Vertue) came to us with the idea of making an American version of a big hit in Great Britain entitled ‘Steptoe and Son.’”

“It was an instant marriage,” Lear said, and one he says Foxx didn't resist.

“Not that he wasn’t difficult to deal with, but he was funny as hell and that made everything possible,” Lear said. Foxx, who died in 1991 at age 68, skipped part of one season amid a contract dispute with the producers.

“Sanford and Son,” which aired from 1972-77, revolved around widower Fred Sanford, an irascible junk dealer in the Watts area of LA who foisted work and insults on his long-suffering son, Lamont. Among them: “You big dummy!” which became a show catchphrase.

Wilson, a Vietnam veteran who had appeared on stage in New York, in films and on TV, was approached about the series after an “All in the Family” guest role. Wilson also learned that the producers had another possibility in mind to play Lamont.

“'We were considering Richard Pryor,'" Wilson recalled being told. ”I said, ‘C’mon, you can't put a comedian with a comedian. You've got to have a straight man.' Dick Martin was the nut, Dan Rowan was the straight guy" on “Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In," he said.

Wilson recounted joining Lear in Las Vegas to meet Foxx and watch his act: “I thought he was the funniest person, the most irreverently funny guy that I’d ever met in my life,” he said.

“Sanford and Son” introduced viewers to other talented actors and comics generally sidelined by Hollywood because of their race, including cast members LaWanda Page as Aunt Esther; Whitman Mayo as Grady Wilson; Don Bexley as Bubba, and Lynn Hamilton as Foxx's good-natured girlfriend, Donna.

Slappy White, who'd worked the comedy circuit with Foxx, appeared occasionally on the series, as did Pat Morita, of future “The Karate Kid” movie fame, whose character's name, Ah Chew, and his ethnicity were punchlines for Fred.

While “Sanford and Son” regularly delivered such racial barbs, it rarely delved into racism or other third-rail issues — politics and abortion among them — that were central to “All in the Family” and its spin-off “Maude.”

Was that deliberate?

“Yes. We didn’t compare ('All in the Family' and ‘Sanford and Son’), but the characters called it like they saw it in their own neighborhoods,” Lear said in an email.

The show begat other sitcoms about working-class Black families, including “Good Times,” also involving Lear and starring Esther Rolle and John Amos, and the less successful “What’s Happening!!” from Yorkin, who died in 2015. (Lear's “The Jeffersons” was rare in featuring an affluent Black couple.)

While Black viewers finally got to see a version of themselves on screen, it was mostly one limited to those in struggling neighborhoods and created by almost uniformly white producers, writers and directors at the behest of white executives.

That’s in sharp contrast to the 21st-century comedies created and steered by Black writers, producers and actors, including ABC's “black-ish,” HBO's “Insecure” and FX's “Atlanta," and their wide-ranging and nuanced views of Black life.

Eric Deggans, TV critic for National Public Radio, sees a “double-edged quality” to the older-generation sitcoms. They showcased performers beloved by Black audiences, and, starting with “Sanford and Son,” proved that a series about a family of color could be widely successful.

The comedies also were honest about depicting some real-life Black challenges, Deggans said. But they ultimately relied on racial stereotypes and settled for laughs.

The shows made poor areas "look livable and even fun, as opposed to the issues that they really faced,” Deggans said.

[character-shoes-and-misery]

Anyways, before I finished DRV3 I had seen a couple spoiler-adjacent fanworks and had thought the game was going to end up being some sort of VR experience, so here’s my AU pitch:

Modern-adjacent setting but obviously with much, much better technology. Dangan Ronpa is an augmented Virtual Reality game where you can pop in and play more or less a murder mystery with your friends, and there’s a variety of modes, including sandbox that unlocks after everyone has done a tutorial where you can straight up create new backstories and memories for everyone and clown around.

So the cast of DRV3 is just like. A group of friends who stream a lot of Dangan Ronpa. Keebo saw ‘Ultimate Robot’ as a choice in the list of characters was like ‘is anyone going to choose that’ and did not wait for an answer and is basically always the Robot and when the gang figured out how to integrate twitch chat into the game, is basically always the chat surrogate. (They tried to give almost everyone a shot, but fully half the cast would just ignore the chat, a handful would almost always do the opposite of the suggestions out of spite, Himiko would listen and talk back but almost always was too lazy or bored to follow orders, and Shuichi almost caused the game to overload trying to figure out where these voices were coming from and what they wanted, all of which was funny in its own way, but ultimately Keebo is the best option for when they want chat to have a say in events)

The games normally have like, a DM equivalent role where the person keeps their memories and can manipulate parts of the game and tries to keep the plot moving along. Generally they also try to maintain a low-key persona as well, because the default if the mastermind dies is to just shut down the game, but there is a not insignificant amount of streams dedicated to killing off the mastermind on purpose, and then watching absolute chaos ensue as the learning AI in the game tries desperately to keep things chugging along, sometimes to hilarious outcomes (i.e. the AI built to make a creation jump the furthest distance just building an extremely long leg and falling, sometimes the AI decides to best conduct a murder mystery it should just terminate all but two players or one crazy stream where the AI decided the best motive to a killing game would be the end of the killing game and got stuck in a logic loop for a while).

Tsumugi is definitely one of the most popular DMs, and Kokichi is mostly banned bc the games he DMs are either WAY too intense or devolve into mostly random prank battles and silliness. In any case, the events of DRV3 were mostly planned together by the group and everyone more or less gets to choose their own talents, although the DM is largely in charge of the backstories and overarching plot elements. Kaede in the real world like classical music but absolutely threw over her piano lessons in favor of screwing around with her friends at the arcade and thus thought Ultimate Pianist was the funniest possible choice. Ryoma and Tsumugi worked together to get him *two* Ultimate titles, also because they thought it was needlessly overdramatic and funny.

After an execution or death, the player drops out and can continue to watch events unfold through the still alive characters’ viewpoints. The pain is also dulled WAY down in real life so as to lessen the absolute trauma that might bring about. Rantaro throws an understated fit when he is the first to drop out as chat teases him because he was really excited about this character. (”Kaede this was going to be the one! Look at this backstory!” “Okay, I’m sorry, but have you considered literally talking to anyone about any of your plans, ever?” “Absolutely not.”)

Ryoma pops out furious bc Tsumugi gave him in game depression *again* and while it is more or less an ongoing joke at this point, he’s sick of it! Where are his in game anti-depressants huh? He has rights! Kirumi, in contrast, almost makes herself sick laughing when she exits the game, because what was that? Her mom vibes had transcended the walls of reality and her in game character had *hated* it. She really thought she was simultaneously the most and least important person in the world. Wild. She says hey to chat and then drags Rantaro and Ryoma to stress bake with her while Kaede continues to monologue about how lucky they are Shuichi hasn’t died yet bc he is the *only one* who can deduce *anything* in this particular game it seems.

Angie comes out pouting bc she had jokingly made a cult in the last game she DM’d and it wasn’t *her* fault Tsumugi’s character had fallen head over heels for it! She had dimensions! And she was absolutely going to own Tsumugi in Mario Party later for making the island she grew up on seem weird. So they didn’t do things exactly like the mainland, that didn’t mean everyone was constantly having orgies or murder parties or whatever! Tsumugi!!!!! She is in the middle of starting an art stream on the side while ranting to chat, largely to a mixture of laughing emojis and sincere agreement when Tenko pops out, blinking and confused.

Tenko, who definitely knows *some* martial arts and is in shape but does not know what Neo-Akido is supposed to be, demands they roll back the tapes and when Angie dead-pan informs her they don’t have that ability, angrily munches on the fresh baked cookies and mumbles about how Tsumugi is homophobic for not letting her kiss Himiko even *once* this game. Kaede reminds her last game she and Himiko had a pre-canon relationship and got to kiss all the time, and also are literally dating, to no apparent effect.

When Korekiyo comes blinking out of the game he’s almost immediately like “Oh, come on!” Bc he had jokingly insulted Tsumugi the other day and essentially said they could replace her with a cardboard cut out to no noticeable difference and when she had shot back that he had no place to talk he clearly bought all his clothes at a Hot Topic in place of a personality, he’d thought they were good. OBVIOUSLY NOT! Korekiyo had said that thing about his sister being in and out of the hospital in CONFIDENCE and ALSO it was because she kept breaking her bones bc she fully refused to stop climbing on top of things and jumping off full speed. She was fine! She had a lovely wife now who managed to stop her from breaking any more bones at LEAST 80% of the time. Why did Tsumugi have to do him dirty like this? She knew his sister watched these streams and was also probably texting him overdramatically outraged and grossed out messages right this second. Uncool. (”It’s because you presented on tracking recessive genes through the royal family’s family tree last PowerPoint party” Angie informs him, unsympathetically. “Genetics are fascinating and monarchies are stupid” Korekiyo wails in response).

Miu returns from the game more or less shrugging, she should’ve known better than to try to kill Kokichi, but in her defense it would’ve been *really* funny if she managed. Everyone agrees, and chat consoles her with sad pog emojis. Gonta follows shortly after, absolutely sobbing that he’s sorry as he does every time he manages to kill someone, and being awkwardly patted on the back by Miu as she reminds him it was just a game and not a big deal. After he is consoled he does straighten up indignantly and reminds everyone, much to their amusement, that he stopped wanting to run off and live in the woods with wild animals when he was like, eight, and realized it would probably be not constructive to their way of life, and also he would *never* let a bunch of insects out in a room full of nervous people who could potentially swat at them and harm them. Kaede sets him up an animal facts side stream and they all leave him to it. At some point his and Angie’s streams kind of merge into one as she draws him little simplified bugs and animals and he points out their special features and talents and everyone agrees it is good.

Kokichi then pops out of the game to much groaning and annoyance as he ruined the mystery for the already ‘dead’ players and is shooed out of the room as half of chat demands to know which of the two is actually dead and half of chat demands the surprise not be spoiled. When he’s allowed back in after the reveal, it’s to begrudging praise for managing to make such a convoluted plot without his memories and being forced to apologize to Gonta by Kirumi, which he does, albeit pouting his way through it (”Uh, shouldn’t he be apologizing to ME?” Miu demands, waving her hand in the air. “You literally tried to kill me first” Kokichi shoots back, deadpan, before returning to Gonta).

Kaito is lauded as he comes out of the game, Kokichi complains about his ad-libs, but largely everyone is impressed by his bringing everyone together, hiding the secret illness Tsumugi tagged him with, and managing to follow along Kokichi’s extremely wild plan. Kaito, on the other hand, is bemoaning being the Ultimate Astronaut once again (”It was an elementary school phase! Everyone wanted to be an astronaut in elementary school! Why does she keep making it *my* problem???”).

They all take another stress-bake break while nervously watching the screens as their remaining friends have what seems like some sort of nervous breakdown. The game engine has a stress meter, and Tsumugi herself can end the game whenever she thinks it’s going too rough (A good measure, although another reason Kokichi is in DM timeout, bc he would slam the eject cast button anytime things went too far off the rails of his desired plot and his metric for ‘too far off the rails’ fluctuated wildly depending on his mood), but it’s still not fun to see your friends so upset, even if it is just a game.

Finally after much excitement watching Shuichi run around wildly and Keebo tear everything to the ground, the gang watches the final trial commence. They groan and cheer and comment as Shuichi and Tsumugi lay out the final elements of the plot (”Tsumugi jumped the shark *so hard* on this one and I’m going to give her *so much* crap for that *and* getting me killed for no reason” Kaede complains after the sixth or seventh outfit switch Tsumugi pulls). They set up the final poll and watch in awe as Shuichi argues and beseeches and tries so hard to save this world that isn’t even real. The whole hope v despair thing is a little trite, and honestly, refusing to pick a side isn’t *that* rare of an outcome, but watching Shuichi lay out a case and argue so passionately is always inspirational.

Keebo and Tsumugi pop out at the same time, to much teasing and cheering and excitement. Keebo cuts through eventually as people are teasingly tearing into Tsumugi’s plot as she pouts and whines and defends herself to point out the epilogue playing out on screen. Maki, Himiko, and Shuichi made it past the sixth trial, so they get a little ending to themselves before the game shuts down. The casual optimism makes everyone roll their eyes at the cheesiness, but in a good way, good naturedly jeering about how they thought the winners weren’t choosing despair OR hope. But as it dies down and credits start to play on the stream, they welcome the three back from the game cheerfully anyways.

[ofcloudsandstars]

Hey, dear! I've missed seeing you on my dash, how are you doing? What would you say your summer has been like? Sending lots of love and good vibes!

Ahhh this is so kind! I hope you have been well too. I am working on September’s forecast but I have been a bit slow since I am tired with some stuff going on. I am working on a sacred geometry virtual gallery for the plant alchemist mentor so I have been dizzy with motion sickness throwing this gallery together before the full moon haha. 

Last week I just got back from the most insane adventure that I may probably get around to writing another endlessly long post about haha. (editing this post, it turns out that THIS has become the endlessly long post about it haha so I am having a read more added). CW: sex details. It may be TMI but I added a warning before lol 

  Anyway I was having this mutual attraction with this italian guy I met through work who ALSO has a venus in Scorpio like me. We were going to go on a date but the world succumbed to The Plague. He returned to Puglia to be with his family as he quit the company and his apartment so he can just chill and live for free while he figures stuff out, but he was flirting with me through text all throughout lockdown and begging me to visit him when it was safer to travel so I was like: Oh yeah?!?!?! And I booked a 5 day long first date/vacation to Puglia to be with him lmaoo. Venus in Scorpio is intense as hell but we just be like that. My close aries witch friend moved to Southern Italy with her BF too for the time being so I was like ok if stuff goes south she can come save me but this guy like took me FARRR AWAY on the southern coast like 3 hours from her omg. He booked beautiful places like old medieval stone villas (omg one place had a wooden four poster bed, a stone fireplace with a cauldron and a huge color-changing hot tub jacuzzi next to the bed lmaoooo) and we ate endless seafood and went to the beach everyday. Only set back is we were NOT SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE at ALL and it’s really sad cause yeah I got his star chart and over analyzed it before going over there but sometimes I doubt myself like ohh not everyone is their starchart to a T, like you should give people a chance. But he was  e x a c t l y  like his star chart.

First he has A LOT of trines like a lot of fire energy which is great. He’s super passionate, but the trines means he is too chill and positive which is nice but it means he has little motivation to do anything. (Think when there are great trine transits happening, it’s FANTASTIC for doing magic and manifesting things but those days the energy is so chill and harmonious you don’t even want to do anything and they can easily pass you by.) Meanwhile my chart?? It’s fucking SQUARES ALL DAY BABEY like Squares, Oppositions and more Squares. I have something called the grand cross on my fucking chart lmao. So that means I overthink, I can get stressed easily, my life soundtrack is just this long anxiety ridden drum and base background music as I fucking parkour through endless obstacles of racism, sexism, gender identity, fleeing the states cause it’s becoming a totalitarian government, learning a bunch of european languages and skills in case I gotta flee england next, thinking about the future, thinking about my actions in the present, thinking about how I can learn from the wounds of my past, lmao everything is thought about at least 1000 times. I also have a lot of Saturn energy my chart is Saturn dominant so there is a lot of planning, structure and organizing to me. Meanwhile since he is hosting he never has a plan and is always ‘go with the flow’ so sometimes it makes me nervous cause the first place he booked was some GHETTO sex motel that looked like sex traffic was happening in there and I was in the middle of no where with him and I was nervous like praying to the Spirits of Nature and Venus to help me work this out haha. But it was ok. 

His life is so easy cause he’s like a handsome italian man with a mom that wants him to live at home with her until he finds a wife to mommy him. He never has to do any house work or really any work at all cause his parents will support him cause that’s normal in Italy. Honestly if I got with him I would never get that same treatment I would also be hauling ass in the background to cater to him and our kids until the day I die. He also doesn’t really understand what it’s like to be of a group of people ostracized by society. He is a hot cishet white man and has a whole community of good friends and a mom to support him with whatever he does.

He’s also like really traditional and was raised Christian. I told him I was a witch and he was like ohhhhhhhmyGOddddddd and thought it was fucking weird haha and I was like: YOU NEVER NOTICED ME AND ROXANNE (my aries witch friend who moved to Italy who literally wears massive metal pentagrams everyday) ARE WITCHES?! And he was like: I do not know about this haha. 

Lastly about his starchart which worried me when I first reviewed it is that our natal mars are at a square. I mean I have had sex with someone’s Mars in Aries before and it was great but his sex?? Was TERRIBLEEEE!!!!!!!!! TERRIBLEEEEEEEE OHHHH MY GOD. I am going to add a CW for some sex details in case you want to scroll but like: 

--

My Mars is in Cancer so I do like it to be sensual and cuddly with some oral action but he was like so terrible and disgusting and I feel like he probably only slept with girls in his country who may have been traditional like him and never said anything to him cause I am like I dunno how you got away with this for so long having terrible sex like this. Like so grabby and aggressive it fucking hurts like he would have left bruises and I hate that shit like sex is supposed to feel good!! I don’t mind if you grab my ass cause it’s just sacks of fat lol but my boobs have shit in them like glands you can’t be grabbing that!! And sorry this may be TMI but like I’d communicate with him all the spots I’d like him to go to cause they are the most sensitive ones and he’d just ATTACK THEM like some type of police dog sniffing hidden cocaine I am like BITCH CALM DOWN I literally would have to stop him so many times so he wouldn’t hurt me. And he once said: Oh but I like that (being aggressive in bed) and that annoyed me so much I was like: Oh so if you like aggression do you want me to grab and twist your balls in the same way? And he was like: no. lol 

And then his kissing was tErrible. He wouldn’t even start out sensual he would literally just shove his whole tongue in my mouth and it’d be slimy and terrible and tastes like the ash from the weed he’s always smoking and once during sex I bent down to make out with him and he literally just stuck his tongue out in preparation I paused like: NO!!! Like omg he got me so heated I am so heated just typing this lmao. I am also really sensitive with like sensory things and have misophonia so sometimes if certain stimulations are stimulating me the wrong way I get more put off than the usual person and sex is so intimate like every time he grabbed a sensitive part of me I wanted to slap him the fuck back haha. The funniest part though is when I’d give up on him trying to pleasure me (everything was terrible, the fingering was like someone who is in a rush to get the elevator and is jamming the button impatiently; the actual fucking was like.. off beat?? And he could NEVER LAST; he gave me head once but that was interesting I felt like he was trying to karate chop my clit with his tongue lmao I was like please stop omg) I was like fine ok just lie down and I will give you head and we can get this over with.. And when I gave him head for the first time he did not moan or anything he would just say: Mamma Mia!!; and FUCKING HELL it would kill the mood but also I couldn’t concentrate cause I’d be fucking laughing just choking on him laughing like I could NOT. 

-- End sex detail mention lol 

Anyway I am always wary of sex with Mars in Aries people but this experience is going to make me avoid them and have trust issues haha. Anyway I got a lovely free vacation in a beautiful region with incredible food. His friends were nice though my Italian is really terrible and nonexistent (omg also speaking about communication, he forgot most of his english so it was a challenge speaking to him haha). We were both wild as hell to do this even though we didn’t really know each other but whatever that’s the Scorpio in Venus. And in a perfect Scorpio fashion we may never see each other ever again because he may not return to London, I mean we pretty much fell out of infatuation with each other cause of the terrible sex chemistry and the only reason I have to return to that region of Italy is to see my witch friend there but there is a chance she is going to move to London again and she lives in a different city from him lol. 

So yeah I have been quiet over here but this is my current life. If you want to look at the gallery I am working on it’s in it’s rough draft form but you can find it here! 

https://www.artsteps.com/view/5f4946b290389d2f7d705e86

[purplesurveys]

1195

survey by n0b0dysp3rf3ct

—:: Who ::—

... was the last person you saw face to face? I passed by my brother last night when I had to go to the kitchen to fill up my tumbler.

... was the last person you texted or messaged online? Angela; I was just asking her for the difference among A4/A5/A6 since I’m now planning to buy a binder and sleeves for my rapidly increasing collection of photocards and postcards. It really frustrates me that A4 is the biggest one and A6 the smallest :((((

... was the last person who asked you for a favour? Kata, my manager. She filed a half-day leave last Friday to get herself and her family vaccinated in her town, so she had sent me over a very long to-do list of deliverables that she asked me to fulfill while she was out. Eventually she ended up filing a whole-day leave since she felt feverish after being under the sun all day, and also possibly from side effects of the vaccine, so I ended up carrying the entire workload for the day. I like Kata and she’s a very easy person and superior to work with, so I honestly couldn’t complain about it.

... was the last person you lent something to? Ooh, I don’t remember. I don’t really lend people things.

... was the last person who told you a secret/confided in you? Andi was just sharing to me their worries about taking the LAE (scheduled for today) and how they’ll be okay if they don’t pass.

... is the tallest person you know? Jo is like 5′7″ and we all look like beans when standing next to her. One of my uncles is also very tall; around 5′10″ or 5′11″ if I’m not mistaken.

... the shortest person you know? I think Aya? That’s just a smart guess, though; I haven’t seen most of my friends in more than a year.

... your oldest (in years) friend? Mik is turning 28 this year. Sometimes I forget just how much older he is than me since we vibe really well together during the rare times we did get to hang out. I’m still bummed we never got that smoke break we wanted to have.

... is the oldest (in length of time) friend? Angela.

... is your youngest friend? Hannah was born in 2000. Peter was born in 2001 but we aren’t that close yet.

... is your newest friend? I haven’t made any new friends recently. Stan Twitter is lonelier than I thought it would be; everyone is already friends with everyone so it’s hard to break that space. Not to mention everyone is also grossly younger than I am – I keep seeing profiles with ‘2004′ on their bio :/ I should start making an effort to look for older ARMYs lol, I definitely feel like I’d have more fun that way.

... is your closest relative? My eldest cousin on my mom’s side, my Kuya.

... was your favourite teacher? My music teacher from high school. I neeeeeever liked music as a subject and it was never a priority of mine, but she always kept our classes something for me to look forward with her advice and the way she was always able to make lessons interesting.

... was your least favourite teacher? Those who made it clear they didn’t like me, even though I didn’t do anything to deserve such hostility.

... did you spend the most time with when growing up? My siblings and cousins since we all lived together at one point.

... knows you the best? My two best friends.

... always beats you in games or sports? Andi would probably be able to beat me in any game. They just let me win because they know I can be a sore loser.

... who is the most creative of the people you know? My family is pretty artistic and I have a lot of talented relatives - my sister and my cousin Maggie paint and draw; my mom can make any kind of craft she wants, with her hnds; and one of my grand-aunts regularly does paintings. I think all of them are amazingly creative in their own way.

... is the funniest person you know? Probably Andi. Hans makes me crack up too.

... is the most organised that you know? My mom.

... that you know has travelled the most? My dad. Both our fridge doors are filled from top to bottom with magnets from places he’s travelled in due to his line of work. He’s toned down quite a bit in the last few years and has taken to staying within Asia, but back then his traveling history was super expansive – Germany, Jamaica, Italy, Belize, Aruba, Italy, France, Monaco, Denmark, Norway, the UK, US, Estonia, Portugal, etc.

... has always been there for you? Angela never left my side.

... has given you the most personal gift? I can’t possibly pick, my friends are pretty good at giving me gifts...like Andi getting me a Petals For Armor CD and a Punk shirt that hasn’t been produced in a while, and Angela giving me a personalized Friends mug because she knows I like my coffee and she knows I like Friends.

... has an annoying laugh? I don’t think anyone I know has an annoying laugh.

... never forgets a birthday? That would be me.

... do you live with? My parents, my two siblings, and our two dogs.

...,do you have the most in common with? I’m not so sure about this one, actually. I share bits of my personality with a lot of people - like me and Jo liking BTS, me and Andi liking wrestling, Blanch and I having similar personalities, me and Laurice being super meticulous when it comes to our work, etc. - but I haven’t met anyone who’s virtually a duplicate of mine when it comes to my traits and interests.

...is the sportiest person you know? I’m also not sure. Most people I know are into watching a bunch of sports, but none of them actually play.

...was your last missed call? It was an unknown number that I kept ignoring because THEY WOULDN’T TEXT WHO THEY WERE. If you have enough load credits to call me multiple times, then surely you can text me and introduce yourself first, and maybe then I can pick up the phone.

...did you last open your door for? My sister knocked last Friday because someone wanted to talk to me via landline. It was weird since no one calls via the phone anymore, but I have a gut feeling it was that ^ same person who had been trying to call me through my phone but never texted me. Eventually I learned it was one of the bloggers I’m talking to for work who just wanted to ask a few questions about our ongoing engagement.

... has your heart? Kim Taehyung. Expect the same answer for this type of question moving forward.

... has your respect? I gotta hand it to Tina for consistently doing well in her studies and excelling in every subject while doing photo and video editing for two orgs, working on her thesis, and being a board member in our mutual org, all while living alone. She does so well I wish I can tell her to give herself the occasional break to avoid burnout.

...do you share a special song with? I don’t think I have that with anyone.

...do you miss right now? Literally allllllll my friends.

...last made you angry? It’s been a while since I’ve directed my anger towards another person. When I get pissed off these days it’s usually over a situation that goes awry or out of my control.

...did you last buy a gift for? So this was not technically meant to be a gift, but what happened was I accidentally secured two orders of the same poster set, which was a part of this new BTS photobook coming out later this month, from two different shops. One of the shops merely posted an ‘interest check’ for the poster set so I signed up for it thinking it was harmless, but when they got back to me they already attached an invoice :/ I ended up having to pay for it just so things won’t get complicated between myself and the shop anymore; and I told Angela she can just keep the extra set I bought and that she can consider it a gift.

...did you celebrate your last birthday with? My family and technically my workmates since I didn’t file a leave that day. I also had food delivered to their house so I guess that can count as my ‘celebration’ with them.

...have you gone to a concert with? I went with Angela for my first Paramore show.

...can make you laugh? Anyone can tbh. It’s not very hard to make me laugh.

...has taught you how to do something? Nina taught me how to embroider and do basic needle/thread skills back when I was still getting into the hobby.

...has lost something of yours? I am almost certain my ex never kept the handwritten letters I used to write her. She never seemed to remember or bring up the things I wrote.

...has broke your heart? Gabie but I’m over it.

...has stood you up? Hasn’t happened to me before.

:: What ::

Is your favourite colour? Pastel pink.

Can you do that most your friends can’t? Type fast, apparently.

Is your birthday? April 21.

Colour eyes do you have? Dark brown/black.

Form of transport do you take to work/school? I work from home. But under normal circumstances I would drive my car.

Music do you like to listen to in the car? I connect my Spotify to the car’s Bluetooth and listen to whatever artist or playlist I’m into at the moment. The music I put on could also depend on my current mood for the day.

Languages can you speak? Filipino and English. I’ve also been able to pick up looooots of Korean phrases and expressions because of the amount of content I watch. I’m nowhere near fluent, of course, but I’m increasingly able to pick up what people say based off a few Korean words I’ll hear in a sentence.

Was the last thing you drank? Continued from idk. I finished off my glass of water from dinner.

Was the last thing you ate? My mom made pasta.

Time did you wake up this morning? Depends on how late I slept the night before and how tired I was, but it usually ranges between 5:45–7:30 AM.

Colour are your bedroom walls? They’re white.

Drink do you usually order when eating out? I never order drinks unless I’m at La Creperie, in which case I always get their San Gines hot chocolate; for everywhere else that isn’t a bar, I just get water.

Food can you cook well? ...I can’t cook.

Animals have you had for a pet? Dogs, rabbit, lovebirds, goldfish, and technically a cat but she was mostly Nina’s.

Are your initials? RC.

Kind of activities do you like to do on the weekends? I’m still kind of stuck at home during the weekends :/ so I can’t do much, but I’m not complaining since I actually prefer staying in these days. Anyway, most recently I’ve taken to catching up on BTS content I’ve missed over the last 8 years, so I like watching shows they’ve done like Bon Voyage, Run BTS, etc.

Movie do you know line by line? Two for the Road, TITANIC, and probably most of White Chicks.

Band(s) have you seen in concert? Paramore, One Direction, a bunch of local bands.

Do you buy/get to treat yourself? It’s usually food - I like giving myself a feast every Friday night - but I’m putting that in the backseat for now as I’ve realigned my money to be spent on BTS merch. My big purchases are saved for the albums for now, but every now and then I’ll see a postcard or photocard I like and buy them. Once I complete the albums I’ll be moving on to the concert DVDs, then the special packages, then probably BT21 plushies. Needless to say I have a longggggg way to go haha.

Colours your phone cover? I have a clear case.

Part of the world would you love to visit? Another continent would be nice.

Question do you dislike being asked? Even though I know people mean well, I don’t like being asked “How are you?” but tbh it’s more of a me thing because I just never really know what to say.

Subject were you good at in school? History.

Careers do your parents have? They both work in the hospitality industry.

Brand of clothing do you buy most often? For clothes clothes I’m not really loyal to a particular brand; I buy from different brands and shops all the time. But for shoes, I like sticking to Nikes.

Chocolate bar is your favourite? Not a big fan of chocolate bars. I love Reese’s Cups, though.

TV show have you watched every series of? Friends, Perfect Strangers, Breaking Bad.

Radio station do you listen to the most? It’s a little hard to tell at this point considering I haven’t driven regularly in over a year. But back when I used to do it, I usually flipped among 93.1, 99.5, and 87.5.

Podcasts are you subscribed to? I’m not the biggest fan of podcasts. Find them a tad bit boring.

Is your favourite dessert? Macarons or cheesecake.

Can’t you do that most around you seem to? Ride a bike.

Are 5 qualities you value in a friend? Loyalty, thoughtfulness, honest, sensitive to my needs and those of others, and intelligent.

Are 5 qualities you value in a partner? ^ Pretty much the same thing.

Size pizza do you usually order? Family size usually.

Cuisine do you like to order or cook? I’ve been getting Japanese so many times recently. I rarely go outside sushi.

Colour(s) dominate your wardrobe? Black and white, and colors that were in at one point like mustard yellow and pastel pink.

Toothpaste brand do you use? Colgate.

Sounds can you hear right now? My insanely loud aircon.

Is the weather like today? Like hell. I believe we’re reaching a heat index of over 50ºC every day now, so...that’s fun. It gets absolutely difficult to work in the afternoon when the temperature is at its most brutal, and its times like this I wish I got to work in the office so that there’s aircon and I could at least work comfortably :/

Are your plans for tomorrow? Just work and have tons of meetings, the usual.

:: Where ::

Do you keep your phone when not using it? I keep my phone near me even when I’m not using it since I could always get an important notification.

Were you born? Manila.

Do you go to unwind? Most days it would be the rooftop, but under normal circumstances I like staying at a coffee shop somewhere to escape life and my responsibilities for a short while.

Is your best friend right now? I believe they’re both at home since they have no reason to be out anyway.

Can you go nearby to have a good time? Personally, I would just go to the Starbucks near our village lol. If I’m feeling a bit more adventurous I’d head to Katip, which is prrrretty close by but not quite.

Is the nearest restaurant? We have a McDonald’s literally right beside the village. Then besides that is a Shakey’s, and right across that is a Burger King, then the aforementioned neaby Starbucks. Just makes me realize how urbanized my town has gotten in the last few years.

Is the nearest beach? If I had to guess, the nearest beaches would be in Batangas which is 2-3 hours away, but it really depends on how fast you can drive lol. I’m not too good with long car rides so in both times I’ve driven there I had always taken 4 hours.

Did you meet your closest friend? I met Angela in grade school, and I met Andi at a local rally in my university.

Did you go for your last vacation? Tagaytay, though it was a staycation more than anything else.

Is the nearest mall or superstore? It’s like a 3-minute drive away from the village.

Did you last get an injury? I have loadsssssss of new scratches and gashes all around my wrists from playing with Cooper.

Is the most extravagant place you’ve stayed at? It’s a toss-up between Aids’ or Gian’s house. Gian would probably win since I never actually got to go inside Aids’ place, and his was the first house I’ve been to that was able to literally take my breath away. OH and Shaun’s house was pretty fucking swanky as well.

Do most the local kids play? I would have no idea since I’m neither a kid nor a parent.

Have you been with your family? This is a very vague question lol...what do you mean where have we been? We’ve been to different towns around the country and several countries together, if that’s what you’ve been asking.

Did you spend Christmas last year? We visited a couple of relatives, and we also spent it at home.

Did your parents grow up? My mom grew up within Metro Manila; my dad in a city a little outside of it.

Did you buy the shoes you’re wearing? I’m barefoot at the moment and always am at home.

Would you like to go right now if you could? If life had still been normal I would probably be having after-work drinks at a bar near the office.

Do you miss the most from your childhood? I’m not sure how to answer this with where.

Is the best restaurant you know? I’m still searching for it.

Will you never go again as it was so bad? It’s not that it was bad, but I’d probably never dine at 8Cuts again because their burgers are not worth the hype and are very overpriced for their size.

:: When ::

...was your last vacation? My family’s last legit vacation was in August 2019; but we did have a quick escape to Tagaytay in January of this year.

...did you graduate? I officially ‘graduated’ from college in August, if you could even call it that.

...did you decide what career you wanted? Somewhere between my 2nd and 3rd year of college. That was when I decided I hated journalism and preferred PR, but since PR is under journalism’s umbrella there was no need for me to shift courses.

...did you have your first kiss? Continued. Like WHEN when or how old was I when? In any case, it was in January 2015 and I ws 16.

...did you learn how to swim? Idk, pretty early on. My parents liked taking us to water parks when we were younger, so we had a lot of exposure. I’m not sure if there was ever a time where something just clicked and I learned how to swim; I believe it had just come naturally.

...did you have your first relationship? By the end of 2014.

...did you meet your best friend? I met both of them in school, but at different points.

...do you feel the most at peace? Probably when I’m able to stay at the rooftop all alone.

...do you usually fall asleep? I’ve readjusted my body clock now (I used to want to be in bed by 9 or 10 PM, lmao) and I stay up until anywhere between 12-2 AM on weekdays.

...do you usually wake up? Ranges between 6-7:30 AM.

...did you last watch a movie? September.

...did you last go to a party? Around Februaryish, 2020.

...did you last cry? I can’t really recall. The last moment I can remember was crying over Life Goes On sometime last month, when I heard it for the first time. I’m just not sure if that’s accurate or when exactly in April that happened.

...did you laugh really hard? I always have a good laugh at least once a day.

...did you buy something pricey last? Idk what you would count as pricey but I bought the new BTS photobook set when it dropped back in April. Cost me around ₱3750. I wasn’t able to buy from the first press (it sold out in like 7 minutes lol) which included an exclusive poster set, so I had to look for a local shop that was already offering the poster set separately, and ended up shelling out another ₱2200 for it...which means all in all I spent around ₱5950 for it or roughly $125.

...did you have an argument last? Earlier this evening but I don’t want to get into it as it made me cry from sadness and frustration for the first time in months.

...did you last have a sick day? May last year.

...did you last recieve a hug? I have no idea. February, I think? when I hung out with my friends.

...when is your best friend’s birthday? July 22 or September 15, depends on which best friend.

...did you learn how to drive? I started getting lessons when I was 17, but I didn’t start feeling comfortable with it until I turned 18.

...did you last receive a surprise? Around a couple of weeks ago when my dad came home with Jollibee for us.

:: How ::

Many pets do you have? Two.

Many houses have you lived in? Three that I can remember, but I know my parents moved around a bit when I was a newborn.

Often do you shower? Every morning before my shift. I hate feeling sweaty and icky when I report for work.

Well can you cook? I can’t at all.

Many close friends do you have? I have two people I count as my absolute best friends, but I have a handful of close friends as well.

Many Brothers or sisters do you have? One of each.

Often do you go swimming? I don’t swim much at all, really...I haven’t done it since 2019, so that should say enough. As relaxing as it is, I feel like the clean-up afterwards can be such a challenge lol. Like if you swim in a pool you have to rigorously wash the chlorine off of you; and if you swim in the sea you have to also be thorough about making sure you’ve removed all the sand from your body.

Many times have you texted today? I don’t think I texted today but I did spend my whole day on chat platforms.

Do you like your toast (colour, topping)? I don’t have super particular preferences; I just like mine on the burnt side.

Do you like your tea and/or coffee? My coffee has to be sweet for me to enjoy it. I can take black coffee/Americano; I’ll just wince a lot with every sip. No tea for me thanks.

Do you like to celebrate your birthdays? With a lot of food.

Are you feeling today? A little frustrated because of an argument incident this evening. But I’m shaking it off and just focusing on the release of Butter tomorrow. My first BTS comeback!!!

Serious are you about your career goals? Very.

Many rooms are in your house? In total, 9.

Many bedrooms in your house? 4.

Did you do in your school exams? I was never consistent. I slacked off a looooooot in grade school; couldn’t give less of a shit about my classes then. I got a bit more hardworking in high school, but I still was a bit lax and I allowed myself to not put a lot of effort in subjects I didn’t care a lot for and that I know I would never have to use in real life, like chemistry or accounting, so there were exams I really excelled in and others that I would fail. It was only in college I started taking my studies incredibly seriously and I believe that showed in the grades I eventually got.

Close do you live to your parents? They’re like, five steps away.

Close do you live to your siblings? My sister’s literally in the room next to mine.

Sensitive to criticism are you? I know it’s something that can never be avoided, so I’m always open to hearing them, especially if it’s meant to help me. It doesn’t mean I enjoy it as it is being given.

Motivated to make changes are you? Depends on my mood and mindset. 

Creative are you (1-10): -0.5.

Hard working are you (1-10): Probably a 22 if I really put my head into a task.

Sporty are you (1-10): I dunno, maybe a 6? I do like playing table tennis, but I’m pretty meh at any other sport.

Musical are you (1-10): 0.

Do you prefer your eggs? Runny yolk; scrambled; or a really packed omelette.

Often do you go out to eat? Before the pandemic, I liked eating out 2-3 times a week.

Would your best friend describe you? Not sure, I never tried asking them this. I hope it’s all nice things, though.

Can someone cheer you up if you’re sad? Send me photos of V. Hahahaha

Often do you meet up with your friends? ...What do you think? D:

Important is religion to you? It is not a part of my life whatsoever.

Old were you when you first stayed overnight from home? 15 or 16, I can’t really remember.

Old were you when you got your first pet? I was maybe 6.

Tech savvy are you? I know enough to survive my own, but I obviously can’t hack into other computers or things like that.

Do you show you appreciate those you care for? Buying them food.

Often do you cut your hair? I only take a trip to the salon once a year.

Often do you paint your nails? Never.

Many countries have you visited? Six.

Boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? Just one.

:: Why ::

... did you choose your username? Because it was straightforward.

... did you take this survey? I like surveys made in categories, and this seemed interesting and varied enough.

... did you choose the career you did? I found that I enjoyed it MILES more than journalism.

...did you last leave the house? I had to go to a local LBC for a work errand.

...did you last give up on something? She wasn’t worth the effort anymore. She hadn’t been for a while, but it took me forever to realize.

...did you search the last thing you searched? I wanted to sing along to the song but it was in Japanese, so I had to look up its lyrics.

...would you give up on someone completely? Oof, I guess you can refer to one of the previous questions. ^

:: If...::

You could live in any country which would you choose? Canada.

You could choose any animal as a pet which one? I’m perfectly content with dogs.

You could be famous for something what would you like? Being known for a funny tweet would probably be enough lol. I have no desire to be famous.

You are sad, how do you combat it? I don’t really get sad anymore these days, so I can’t super remember the go-to tactics I depend on...I guess I like listening to sad songs and allowing myself to wallow in the sadness, because I know I have to accept and process my feelings first before I can be able to calm down.  

You can drive when did you learn? I learned shortly before I started college, when I was 18, because no one was going to be able to take me to university when the school year started.

You could have any job what would it be? Idk, I like the one I have now.

You could go anywhere for a vacation where would you go? Somewhere with a completely different feel and atmosphere, like Norway, Sweden, Finland...that part of Europe, basically.

You could eat anything right now what would it be? Samgak gimbap :/

You wrote a book what genre/topic would it be? It would be a book of essays or maybe a memoir.

You had a theme song what would it be? Idk I don’t really think about this.

You could meet any band/singer in person which one? Billie Eilish seems awesome and easy and fun to talk to.

You could act in any movie which would it be? No thanks.

You get married what venue would you like? Hotel.

If you have kids do you have names picked out? I have one name picked out for a girl but that’s it.

Could describe your dream home what would it be like? Brutalist and minimalist, with large windows, cove lights, and a lot of white space.

You could go back in time what would you change? Break up with Gab earlier.

Could use 3 words to describe your childhood which ones? Could’ve been better.

Could get the answer to any question which question would you choose? When I would die and how, just so I can have peace of mind.

You could have an endless supply of something what would it be? Money, because of course.

Meet anyone who no longer lives who’d you choose? My great-grandfather, mom’s side.

:: Can ::

... you ride a bike? No, never learned.

... you ski? I’ve never even seen snow, so no.

... you bake a cake? I can try but it will probably be very clumsily made as I don’t bake.

... you sing well? I wouldn’t say that. I like singing when I’m alone, but it doesn’t mean I’m any good.

... you do your own taxes? I’ve never tried haha so I guess not.

... you remain calm in a crisis? Depends on how serious it is.

... you do first aid? Let’s just say I wouldn’t volunteer if it comes down to it because I feel like I’d commit one fatal mistake that would make the situation graver. 

... remember your best friend’s family members’ names? Both of their families, yes.

... you fire a gun? I’ve never tried so I doubt it.

... your parents drive? Yep.

...your best friend dance well? They’re not ‘dancers’ per se but sure, they can bust out a move or two.

...you make people laugh easily? Not everyone, but sure.

...stand up for yourself? That’s what I’m trying to learn these days.

...you do a martial art? No.

:: Would ::

You like to learn a new language? That’s always a welcome opportunity.

Save the life of a stray animal? Absolutely.

Know what to do if there was a hurricane? We have several ones come in the country every year so yeah, I can definitely say we’ve long been well-prepared for them.

Try a new cuisine? I do this as often as I can.

Risk your life for anyone? Yes.

You like to get back in touch with someone? No, I’m good now.

You drive in the middle of the night to get a stuck friend? Ina heartbeat.

You Know how to perform CPR? In relation to the first aid question, I wouldn’t volunteer myself in case I make a wrong move.

You likely win in a game of chess? I don’t even know how it works, so no.

You stop talking for a day for $100? Easily.

[lost-in-zembla]

Disco Elysium or: How I learned to Stop Wallowing and Love the Game

I will now review a videogame. No real spoilers. Just very vague descriptions below.

My writing this is uncharacteristic of me. I find most writing surrounding the video game industry to be repugnant. The industry (including the media surrounding that industry) relies upon the subsumption of subcultures on the fringe into the very center of the infernal machine where the dedicated and nostalgic nature of its fanbase can be exploited for capital. It’s the same process that produces Iron Man Funko Pops. Call me a jaded and pretentious pseudointellectual poseur, but in the case of Marvel the idea that this fucking billion dollar franchise with the biggest actors in the world somehow retains this guise of this ‘geek’ subculture is disturbing to me.

(If you have played the game Disco Elysium, then you can probably already see part of why I enjoy it so goddamn much.)

I don’t mean we should gatekeep. My point is the media attached to these quote-geek-unquote industries wants to milk the same cash cow (e.g. 10 AWESOME THINGS IN THE LAST OF US 2!) Coming from an academic environment of criticism, I crave at least the appearance of an honest and thorough critique of art. In my experience, you really need to go past the surface to find any reliable ‘takes’ on contemporary videogames. That being said, there’s a lot of good work being done in the form of video essays.

In any case, I play videogames relatively often. Competitive shooters, mostly. But I suffer no story in videogames. Why would I? I read the most *genius* pieces of literature in the English language. I’m too *good* for that. So when I heard all the buzz about Disco Elysium last fall, it fell on deaf ears. Detectives? Disco? Isometry? Story-heavy. Ugh. I’m interested in none of that. But about a week ago, a friend of mine bought the game. Unlike me, he is a real adult with a real job so it was just a whim on his part, I believe. I looked at the game and, with Steam’s lax refund policy in mind, I bought it. In the past week I have put approximately thirty hours into this game. This review is a way for me to explore my own thoughts surrounding the game, thoughts that I didn’t include in my steam review (See below.)

So it was devastating, sure. And this devastation was somehow positive. One thing that I would like to make clear about me talking about this game is that it is fucking useless. Disco Elysium possesses that quality that exists in all great art; it is irreducible. When I try to explain this game to my friends, I find that my words fail to describe what’s so great about the game. Let me give you the elevator review I’ve come up with. *This game has allowed me to explore the breadth of human experience*. It’s an absolutely insane thing to say about a game. The writing, the art style, the story, the world, the RPG gameplay, they all work together to create a kind of experience that I have never encountered in a piece of art before aside from those few, fleeting moments when you feel as though you truly *get* an encyclopedic novel you’re reading (and in my case I usually don’t get it.)

I will not delve too deeply into the mechanics of the game. There are probably plenty of articles and videos that describe the game already. Put simply, the game is about choices. You can choose to solve the murder however you want. You can say absolutely batshit things to people. You can say mildly bemusing things. You can speak apocalyptic prophesies, espouse communism, conservatism, Moralism. race science.. There are moments when you genuinely *feel* like you can say anything, which is quite a feat when you really only have a few dialogue options at any given moment.

As you’ve noticed, this is not a review of the videogame. Playing this game after a tough breakup was sort of earth-shattering. I mean, not only am I navigating through a strange virtual world with its own history and culture and cosmological makeup, I’m diegetically grieving over being left by my *divinely* beautiful ex while I, the player, undergo a similar process and find similar coping mechanisms. Playing this game was like knowing the funniest clown in the world, a clown so funny that you thank him when he occasionally punches you in the chest to make you *feel things*.

The plan wasn’t to make a character whose qualities reflected my own. I just wanted to play the game. I wanted to win. It just so happened that because *I* was the one playing the game, the character essentially turned into me. It doesn’t help that I, too, have had my issues with alcohol, drugs, commitment, and mental health (in no particular order). The character ended up becoming *me* in a way that I’d never experienced before. I faced ethical dilemmas. My ideology was shaken. This game achieves unbelievable mimesis.

Here’s the wild thing: this game has changed me. I feel like a thirteen-year-old white boy who just watched The Boondock Saints and got a pretty okay over-the-pants handjob at the same time. I’m thinking about my life in terms of choices. The game enforces a kind of perspective of the world that highlights its contingency and the permanence of choices. You can, of course, save your progress in the game and reload whenever, but I found myself just sort of riding out the bad choices I made unless they were game-ruiningly catastrophic. (E.g. I had a “thought” equipped that made me fail every unrepeatable *red* check during a pivotal firefight; it was a hilarious disaster. We were essentially mowed down.) I stood by most of my bad choices. After all, I made the choice using the information I had at the time.

I am not good at this game. I absolutely bungled the investigation. I was just a pawn for forces far greater than myself. Seven people died, and I know that I could’ve saved a few of those people, if not all of them. I think about it sometimes. I think about what I could have done, how I could have gone deeper to find out what’s *really* going on, how I could take control of the investigation rather than be taken control of. Maybe I’ll play the game through again, but the first playthrough is kind of magical if you know absolutely nothing about the game like I did. If not for an absolute deus ex machina at the end, I would have been taken to the madhouse. It would have been an unbelievable failure.

During that deus ex machina moment, by the way, a goddamn tear rolled down my cheek. Yeah, I’m in a rough place, personally. But I don’t *cry* over characters in art. They’re not real. But damn if that changed.  I tell you it’s changed *me*. I care more for characters. I know they’re not real but they represent something that I can relate to, no matter who they are. This game has made me think about empathy more. Maybe it’s because I dumped all my points in the emotional skills. Maybe I’d be more violent if I rolled with the physical skills. Maybe I’d feel like a superstar if that’s what I chose to pursue in the game. Disco Elysium feels open-ended enough that if you sign up for the story, the aesthetic, and the investigation itself, then you can get whatever you want out of the experience. The game, again, achieves incredible mimesis.

The mimesis is so convincing in Disco Elysium that it feels as open-ended as reality, with one caveat: you *know* it's a game. You, as a player, know that the experience of Disco Elysium is a designed one, that it was created as a sort of origami structure, that there is narrative and, god help us, *meaning*. What this game-knowledge afforded me during my playthrough was the constant sensation of synchronicity. I found myself saying “I don’t know how this element will fold into the grand structure of the game, and it almost seems impossible that it should become part of the investigation narrative.” But because I know it’s a game, I am graced with the confidence of the highly religious. Everything will come together in the end.

This is not a review for a videogame. This is a confession. I am deeply flawed and I want to change that. My worldview has been shaken because of a videogame. I don’t want to be that kind of animal anymore.

I’m trying to empower myself, to become more aware that my choices do indeed matter, have always mattered. I’m trying to be more pragmatic, to consider the things I want to do in terms of their result rather than the momentary pleasure I will derive from doing them. Now *that’s* a change for me. 

I’m trying to be more empathetic, more willing to imagine the perspectives of others. 

I am trying to give the world around me the benefit of the doubt. It is easy for me to think of the world as a random coincidence of matter, but if you look at the world with totality in mind everything seems to take on this Spinozan glow of divinity. The human mind is a meaning-making machine, I think. If I look at the world as fundamentally devoid of meaning, then that is still meaning. It is nihil-ism. It’s still an -ism. But if I ascribe to the world a kind of glowing potential, as though meaning were to be found in every speck of matter, then I feel invited to participate in this massive dance that we’re all a part of. 

I’m trying to be more adventurous, because beneath the surface of things there seems to be a vast network of relationships, causation, possibility and, god help me, *story*. Or maybe it’s not beneath the surface of things, maybe there is no Deleuzian schizophrenic depth beneath the surface, perhaps the world is a homogenous and ever-developing surface upon which I constellate meaning and, thereby, create it. I’m trying to create a story for myself that will hold a candle to my experience playing Disco Elysium. I didn’t ask for this; it was just what I needed. It was, in a word, unforgettable.

[toast-the-unknowing]

Hi there, toast. Cutting to the chase: you're one of my favorite writers — not just one of my favorite fanfic writers. your short stories for the raven cycle are some of the funniest, tightest, emotionally devastating, well-crafted works of fiction i've encountered in awhile — better than a lot """"real-world, published"""" stuff. I kind of want to know more about how you got to this point. I think you've mentioned a background in screenwriting? But I don't think that's your day job? 1/?

2/? Really, I'm asking because you seem to have found a way to write regularly — to develop your chops and publish your art in a way that seems emotionally satisfying for you. to an outsider like myself, you seem to have struck a balance between living a life that pays the bills, and artmaking in a way that feeds your soul. you might not feel that way, i don't know. i'm someone who studied writing in college and am now wondering if and how i can still water that seed....

3/? when the reality is i also need to make money to live. i guess i'm curious about your life model right now, and if you're happy with the way you're currently fulfilling yourself creatively. do you want to be a """""published writer""""" someday? is your job one that is also creatively fulfilling, or is it more to pay the bills so that you can do your own creative projects in your free time?

4/4 I know my question isn't very clear, and I'm not sure it's even one question. the point is, i admire you, and you seem to be in a habit of writing creatively, even though i think you have an unrelated day job, and that balance seems mysterious and desirable to me.

Thank you for your kind words, Anon! I have attempted to write something helpful, but it got very long, so I am putting it behind a cut:

Keeping your art alive when you have to work an unrelated job is not easy. Struggling with it does not mean that you're failing, or that it can't be done, or that you won't get better at it down the road. It's also not the sort of thing where you hit equilibrium and it's all smooth sailing from there. I have gotten better at fitting my writing into my life, and I've figured out strategies and coping mechanisms and how to be better at just making myself do it even if I feel "blocked," but there are still stretches of time where it's harder to manage. Those periods don't last forever, and if it sometimes gets worse, it also sometimes gets better.

I suspect you know all of this, Anon, because you sound like a reasonable person and because you balanced writing and schoolwork, which can itself be tricky. I say it anyway because this is exactly the kind of subject where mean little thoughts like to sneak into your head and make you doubt yourself, and I think we could all use a reminder.

There are many writers who will say that you have to write every single day. Often they will say that you have to write at the same time every single day, or that you need to wake up early to write before work. These writers depress and demotivate me, because I don't actually have a writing "habit" in that there's no schedule or daily goal or set of standards involved. Some days I write a lot and some days I don't write at all. Shaming myself about that fact has never been helpful.

What has been helpful: an increased understanding of my writing process. Realizing I don't have to outline? Helpful! Realizing that generating ideas and fleshing out scenes and shaping the arc of a story and making it pretty are all different skills and some days one comes easier than the others? Helpful! Realizing that I tend to have an "a-hah" moment that tells me what the story is about, after which it's easier to write the story? Helpful! Realizing that if I can't think of an adjective or a line of dialogue or a joke, I can just put an asterisk and come back to it later, instead of halting the entire writing process until I come up with it? Helpful!

I don't know if any of these particular things would be helpful to you, because your writing process probably works differently than mine. Somebody out there absolutely does need to outline before they can write, or so I assume from the fact that it is mandated in virtually every book on writing I have ever read. You studied writing in school, so it's possible that you already have a great understanding of your process; it's also possible you have internalized a lot of other people's ideas of what you're writing should look like. Most of what I know about how I write was learned in the last few years, not in school.

It is also possible that you have a good understanding of what your process looks like when that gets to be the thing that takes up the majority of your time. In which case, you probably need to consider your life and your schedule as it is now. I know, for example, that I don't get much writing done of weekend days where I stay in bed late, even though I still end up with more free time than I'd have on a weekday, so if I want to write on a weekend I need to get up. Are there any times of day, or the days of the week, or the places where it is easier to write? What factors make it harder to write? Can you minimize those factors? When you can't, because you livelihood depends on them, can you acknowledge them as a fact of life and forgive yourself for being affected by them?

It's unpleasant but undeniable that working impacts writing. We aren't able to spend the time we'd like to on writing. We don't have the energy and focus that we had in school, when our writing was our main responsibility. Now our primary responsibility is making enough money to survive, and if that makes us sad to think about, well, it's only going to make us sadder if on top of that we try to hold ourselves to the amount of writing we'd do if that weren't true.

It isn’t strictly a numbers game where more time = more writing, which I think can be reassuring for those of us who don’t get as much time as we’d like for writing. I was unemployed or working part-time for the entirety of 2016 and I did not do more writing in 2016 than I am now. I had more time, but I was much more of a mess, as a person, and I wasn't as dedicated to writing. In a counter-intuitive way, I think it can help to have creative outlets besides writing. It does take time away from something that you already don’t get as much time as you want to do, but it means that you have a place to be creative even when the words aren't coming, a place with less pressure and lower stakes. I've done improv pretty casually for the last couple of years, and aside from the fact that I think improv in particular can be extremely helpful for writers, it means that when I've been unhappy with my writing, I could show up to improv and do a silly voice or shuffle around in a crabwalk and know that I had created something.

These are some things that have helped me write while also working: Improv. Mindfulness about writing. Mindfulness about life in general. Prioritizing my writing (guys, I watch so much less television than I used to). Therapy and medication, to be honest. Remembering why I am excited about the projects that I’m working on. Giving myself freedom to start new stories while also encouraging myself to finish old ones. Having an audience to share things with, because it is hard to write without knowing that anyone will ever read what you are pouring so much of yourself into.

It has taken me a few days to answer this, Anon, because I wanted to give a considered response, and also just because adult life! so busy! I keep coming back to the questions of whether I am emotionally satisfied with the writing I am doing, and whether I have a good balance between my writing and my work. Because I really think that I am creatively satisfied right now, and if I am mostly aware of that most of the time, I don't know that I'd really phrased it like that to myself before. If I had then I had forgotten it. And it's a powerful and wonderful thing to be able to say that to myself.

I have a degree in screenwriting, but I have never made a career of it and am not pursuing one now. The dream used to be writing for television. Before that the dream was to be a traditionally published author. Now...I don't know what the dream is. I would like to do original work again some day. I have a novel in my head that is very important to me, whose characters helped me get through some hard times, and I want to give that novel the life that it deserves. I would like to do something with my screenwriting degree at some point, although it will likely never make me money. Sometimes it feels like failure that I don't have a new dream, and that I gave up on the old ones. But for the most part, for now, I'm very happy writing fanfiction. I've written a lot of stories, particularly in the last few years, that I am very proud of.

But I don't actually have a good balance between art and work, inasmuch as my art makes me happy and my work...doesn't. I have a low-level office job in a field that I'm not passionate about or well-suited for. I don't get out of my job a lot of the things that I do get out of writing -- challenge, investment, a chance to be creative, self-direction, fulfillment, purpose. I have never worked a job where I got any of those things, and it is starting to wear me down.

To be fair: "my job pays me a decent wage and gives me great health insurance but it isn't satisfying" is a privileged thing to complain about, and I'm aware of that. I'm also aware that some people handle these situations just fine, that some people don’t mind a job that demands a minimum of energy and time since that leaves them more to put into their art. You may be one of these people! I am discovering that I am not. Getting no sense of accomplishment from my job contributes negatively to my overall mental and emotional health, which is sucky all on its own, but has the additional effect of impacting my writing.

It's a tricky problem, though. I don't, at present, want to make a living off of writing (and such a career would be precarious), but my current resume and skill set doesn't qualify me for much of anything besides the work I'm already doing (thanks, screenwriting degree). Any attempt to find a job that's more fulfilling would likely involve a big investment of time, money, and/or effort in some kind of school and training, and then...I'd be in a job that demanded more from me, and even if it made me happier than my current job does, how much would that leave me to put into my writing?

I don't know if any of this has been helpful to you. It is perhaps not a clear answer to a question that felt clear when I read it but that my mind muddled up along the way. You may find that once you hit a balance between writing and working, you don't mind the day job grind in the same way I do. You may decide that you do want to pursue writing as a career. You may still be figuring out the employment situation at all and my woes may be worse than irrelevant.

But the timing of this ask is funny; I am soon going to apply to an educational program that would prepare me for a new career in a totally different field, and the thought of how this will impact my writing has very much been on my mind. In the past when I've thought about doing anything like this, that question has kept me from going forward: won't that be less of your time, less of your energy, less of you for your writing? I think this is a real concern with a basis in truth: if I get into this program I am going to have a lot less time and energy for anything outside of it, and I will need to again adjust my expectations of what my writing can look like in my circumstances. But I think that this question is also fear and perfectionism talking, using my writing as a weapon against me, and I'm tired of it.

Balance is a funny thing. I'm actually terrible at basically anything that requires balance: biking, rollerskating, gymnastics, ice skating, you name it. I don't see how anyone pulls it off. You can lean too far one way only to fall over the other way when you try to even out. You can take a turn and suddenly the road is uphill or downhill or bumpy, and whatever you were doing before to stay upright isn't cutting it. You can be going along just fine and then, for absolutely no reason, you're wobbling all over the place. But you can also do a hell of a lot of wobbling without ever falling down.

I think it's just about...paying attention to what's happening around you. Paying attention to what you're feeling and what you want. Not getting fooled by something you're supposed to want if you don't actually want it. Figuring out the things that you need, and the things that would make your life better, and the things that you'd like, and prioritize those accordingly.

I sure hope that's how it works, at least, because that's all I've got. I might royally fuck up my life in the next couple of months, but if I do, I'll adjust and keep going. It can't be any worse than fucking ice skating.

Best of luck, Anon.

[sibyl-of-space]

Finished a binge re-play of Ocarina of Time (3D) for the first time in a very, very long time. Long-winded thoughts below.

Disclaimer: I played the original n64 version (red blood Ganondorf and all) ad NAUSEUM as a kid. It was by far in my top 3 most-played video games, and if you all know me you know that I don’t play a lot of video games, I play the same few over and over and over and become obsessed with them. As such, OoT is not new to me. I also played the 3D version once before, but it was over the course of several years when I was in college and that was a no-lens-of-truth run for the heck of it. I have not touched either since though, so this is the freshest eyes I’ve had on the game since I was probably about 6-7 years old seeing it for the first time. Do keep in mind though that I already knew virtually all the easter eggs and secrets and story and progression and had a vague recollection of the vast majority of dungeon concepts/puzzles before going in, because this game was my entire world for many formative years.

This game has really excellent dungeons. I ranked them below because I was inspired by my friend ML’s ranking (in fact a desire to rank them myself is what caused me to binge replay this in the first place), but honestly I found all of them engaging. My least favorite was ice cavern but even ice cavern has a really cool atmosphere and an interesting concept, it’s just a bit tedious and bottle management gameplay is not particularly fun to me.

1. Spirit Temple - unlike Shadow which uses invisible walls as a mechanic to trick you, Spirit subverts every single mechanic and puzzle you've encountered so far to really throw you. It's extremely clever. The ambience and overall design is also just excellent.

2. Forest Temple - gameplay wise it is fine but as the first adult temple it REALLY sets the scale and tone for the latter portion of your adventure; the vibe in this temple is just so fucking cool. The sacred forest meadow honestly does come off as sacred, ancient, and haunted but in an ethereal way as opposed to a spooky way. Ooh, I love it.

3. Ganon's Tower - the concept is excellent and the execution is solid, the medallion portion is interesting but the gauntlet up to Ganondorf with increasingly loud organ music and hallways filled with bats and just cool fights and great atmosphere makes this one of the sickest final dungeons I can think of. I was starting to be like "eh maybe the medallion rooms are a bit underwhelming" and then I got hit with the fakeout room in Light that just won me over with how cheeky it was. All the medallion rooms felt a bit like Spirit temple with how they played with expectations, which (ironically?) made the spirit portion actually the least good.

4. Gerudo Fortress - I'm counting mini dungeons and the whole espionage thing is just SO much fun. Break into a thieves’ hideout, jump across rooftops and shoot people with your bow to sneak past them?? WHAT IS NOT TO LOVE?????

5. Water Temple - okay I gotta say this replay really sold me on water temple. It's a cool concept and a fantastic atmosphere, and 3DS quality of life changes (boot swap ease of access + very clearly visually marked water level change rooms) made me actually thoroughly enjoy playing it. Also Dark Link is rightfully hailed as one of the coolest, if not the coolest, miniboss(es) in the game, so extra points there.

6. Bottom of the Well - Shadow's invisible wall mechanic is much more interesting when you can't see through them and everything is a potential trap. Falling down to the basement does get frustrating but that room where you light torches to open coffins and a FLOATING GIBDO EMERGES makes up for it, holy crap. Shadow Temple is underwhelming because Bottom of the Well already did what it tries to do but better.

7. Dodongo's Cavern - hey man I like blowing up dinosaurs this dungeon is just solid 0 complaints

8. Fire Temple - Fire Temple is also solid I just a) am so used to the original music that this version feels empty and lacking atmosphere by comparison, and b) find the above temples cooler. Shout out to dragon whack-a-mole boss fight though.

9. Shadow Temple - this suffers from being the only temple I really had completely memorized (I think my weenie friends* must have made me beat it for them as kids) so playing it this time was really just going through the motions; it didn’t get the chance to win me over because I remembered all of it and nothing particularly stuck out to me as being super clever. The boat ride, however, is sick as hell.

(*disclaimer: I was also a weenie. Shadow Temple scared the absolute pants off of me. But I clearly played it enough times that the entire thing was etched into my memory regardless, so.)

10. Deku Tree - does its job as tutorial dungeon, nice atmosphere, thats about all there is to say.

11. Jabu-Jabu's Belly - redeeming feature is using Ruto as a projectile. Throwing her at the ceiling switches will never not be hilarious. Honestly not a bad dungeon, merely gross and I like the other ones better.

12. Ice Cavern - I used to dread Ice Cavern; this time around I just found it tedious. The atmosphere is successful - it really feels cold and chilling - but not appealing enough to make up for it being dull and kind of annoying. Has the potential to be really cool if the blue fire were used in a more interesting way than “fill your bottles and dump them elsewhere.”

BUT, I feel it would be a complete disservice to my younger self and my younger self’s reasons for playing this game so much, if I focus completely on dungeons and disproportionately on gameplay in a review. Because while gameplay is a huge reason I kept going back to it (hard to want to go back to a game if it isn't fun to play), that’s not what made me love it so much, and a replay has given me fresher eyes to enjoy everything else it has to offer.

Ocarina of Time creates a world and a story that I deeply cared about, and revisiting as an adult, I find if anything I have more take-aways than I did previously. I have always really enjoyed coming-of-age narratives when done well, and this is a coming-of-age narrative done REMARKABLY well. You see dumb bratty kids doing dumb bratty kid things and then see the mature people they’ve grown into 7 years later; the game does not make the mistake of projecting a personality onto a voiceless protagonist, but it does imply a narrative arc for him (and you) regardless just through how strong and cool and awesome you get by the end and all the rad shit you’ve accomplished over the course of the game. It manages to very, very successfully make its story about other characters who DO have personalities, but also make you as the blank slate mc cool guy hero very much have a part in that story that feels very earned and satisfying.

Link doesn’t have a personality. You can project whatever the hell you want onto him or nothing at all. Ocarina of Time makes that *work*, because it doesn’t try to frame him as either ~adult in a child’s body~ or ~child in adult’s body~, it just lets you experience the literal growth from a kid who has to jump to reach ledges and has to thwack things twice with a slingshot and tiny sword, to an adult who can LAUNCH MASSIVE PILLARS INTO THE AIR and one-shot previously difficult enemies, and interpret that however you will. I think the most powerful example of this is going back in time again after doing several adult temples, and entering the bottom of the well, where you see enemies you’ve previously only encountered as an adult, and feel confident that you can tackle them as a child, too.

I really love these kinds of narratives. Where the growth of the main character is purely in the sense of you as the player becoming more adept and stronger, and the context of the story makes that mean something, but the game doesn’t try and pretend the avatar itself has a 3-dimensional personality.

I also think the balance between narrative and gameplay is excellent once it hits its groove. The beginning is very hand-holdy (Navi taught me how to open a door after I had already opened a door elsewhere because she’s scripted to do it at a specific door even though you can technically get to a later one first. lol), and I very firmly believe that with Saria’s Song as a device that lets you seek advice when you want to, it is completely unnecessary to have Navi yell at you what she thinks you should be doing. That said, the game doesn’t stop you from doing whatever the hell you want, and the number and depth of dungeons makes exploring and killing stuff by FAR the meat of the game, over the story. There is a suggested dungeon order, but you have some freedom if you’d rather do them a bit out of order, and there is a LOT of fun side stuff you can do and get rewarded for.

Most of that side stuff is an excellent way to highlight the humor in this game. If you beat Malon’s horse race record she mails a literal fucking cow to your house. Your house in Kokiri Forest. You just show up and there is a fucking cow in your house. That is the funniest thing that has ever happened in a game in the history of forever, sorry. You can race the running man, and all of the other sidequests in the game make you think there is a beatable goal you’ll be rewarded for, and the fucker just goes “lol good try but I beat you by one second. :)” You can blow up the Gossip Stones and they turn into rocketships and launch into space. After you beat the game, and have a really poignant moment with Princess Zelda where she sends you back in time, there is a completely out of nowhere dance party featuring the entire cast in celebration. The game does not try to explain this. It just gives you a dance party, and after such a bittersweet finale and such a fun and engaging game, a no-context dance party is exactly what it needs. A line o Gerudo doing the can-can? Thank you, yes please.

There is SO much that this game does not feel any need to justify in-game, that it simply puts in there because it is fun or cool or both, and I appreciate that so much. There are easter eggs out the butt (still haven’t bothered catching the Hylian Loach and I have still NEVER found the sinking lure despite following every guide in existence). Most of the temples imply some sort of greater history that is not even the slightest bit touched on. It has a very cohesive “core” game that has a start-to-finish suggested progression and a matching narrative, and it has absolute mountains of random shit outside of that it in no way pretends to justify. It explains just enough to give it ground to stand on, but no more, leaving you with more questions than answers. That ambiguity drove me nuts as a kid, but now, I think it’s also why I kept coming back. I wanted answers the game wouldn’t give me so I felt compelled to try and find them myself.

Ocarina of Time’s ending is incredible in ways I am just now able to appreciate. First of all, Zelda is like “I’m gonna send you back in time now” and pulls up the Ocarina and instead of playing the Song of Time which everything in the game implies she should, she plays Zelda’s Lullaby and hesitates just enough on the last note as you are sent back in the past - oof, that’s a good moment. The entire game you’re told about how the Kokiri can’t survive outside of the forest and suddenly they’re at Lon Lon Ranch having a dance party. You walk away from the Master Sword and seal it back in the temple, but nonsensically are then able to meet Zelda in her garden as if nothing had happened, meaning she sent you back so far it erased not just the adult timeline but also everything you accomplished as a child too? So many questions, but the fact that it does not even bother to answer them and just leaves you with such an open-ended image of you and Zelda as kids, calling back to that very early moment after the first dungeon in the game, and you can interpret for yourself what exactly that means.

I’m getting rambly (HAHA as if I’m ever not) so I should wrap this up shortly. Ocarina of Time’s ending is why I am so vehemently opposed to the concept of a ~Zelda Timeline~. The ending is nonsensical if you try to apply concrete logic to it. This game proposes ideas and makes me feel a certain way about them and the ending succeeds in providing just enough closure to make me satisfied and just enough open-ness that makes me want to keep coming back to it to experience it again. It’s not an open-and-shut piece of history of a fake world, it’s a really remarkable journey thats ambiguity is what allows it to feel so very magical.

Ooh boy I can’t wait to replay MM again, but that is a game I’ve never stopped playing, so it’ll be anything but fresh. It hits different right after completing OoT, though. The only way to follow up on a story like Ocarina of Time is to be even MORE batshit, ambiguous, and loose with your definition of how time works.

[mellz117]

Hello all and welcome to part 4 of my playthrough of KH2 on the PS2. If you haven't seen the previous entries please go do that.

[ _1_ ] [ _2_ ] [ _3_ ]

To recap: The Wonders of Twilight Town are boring as hell. We spoke to Namine again, Roxas finally realizes his life this week is a lie and starts to remember his life in the Organization. DiZ is racist against Nobodies but we already knew that. Roxas and Axel fight, I wanted to cry. Roxas meets Sora in his sleeping pod before disappearing, I wanted to cry.

And the adventure continues

I wanna know how Sora wakes up in the real world when Roxas merges with him in the virtual one. How in CoM does Sora go to sleep in Castle Oblivion, the whole-ass chamber and then some get transferred to Twilight Town, Roxas meets him in a virtual version of the mansion, and Sora wakes up in the real mansion in KH2? Nomura please explain this series. Is Final Fantasy ever this convoluted?

Donald and Goofy call out to Sora and we're once again reminded this is a Disney game. I don’t know why but the fact that Disney owns the original Kingdom Hearts characters bothers me. It means, unless DISNEY gives the OK, Sora will never be in Smash Bros. and that makes me sad.

I don't know much about comas but after a year of total inactivity, wouldn't your muscles atrophy like, A BUNCH? At least is wasn’t 7... OR VENTUS WITH A WHOLE DECADE WTF?

Again WHY COULDN'T JIMINY JUST KEEP EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN CHAIN OF MEMORIES WRITTEN DOWN IN HIS JOURNAL INSTEAD OF A CRYPTIC MEMO TO THANK NAMINE?

The trinity trio wanders out of the mansion, loot some chests, and find their way to the back alleys of town.

Hayner is rude RIGHT outta the gate, wow. Ok I remember that Pence actually met Roxas in Days, and so to me he seems to recognize Sora through his memories of Roxas despite the two sharing like, one visual similarly: blue eyes. But KH3 to my understanding reveals that the virtual versions of characters affect the real version so I dunno!! WHAT IS THIS SERIES?

"Have you finished the summer homework yet?" Olette asks Sora and his two ANIMAL COMPANIONS as if seeing two anthropomorphic animals is fucking normal in a town comprised entirely of humans and exactly one moogle.

Sora doesn't have any homework. For over a year he's been away from home and his mom couldn't make him go to school. I wonder how she's doing? Does she miss her son? Kingdom Hearts and parents don't gel.

I like how.. When Pence describes this cloaked figure who was looking for the trinity trio, as having big, round ears, they have to think about who it could possibly be. They’re not too bright.

Why is “sofa” capitalized? Also they weren't even sitting on it, neither of them were!

HAYNER IS A RUDE BOY! He tells us so ask Seifer about the town, as we are new. Bruh, if you’re this rude to us I’m sure how much worse Seifer and his posse are.

Seifer is immediately confrontational. “You here to pick a fight with us?” and Sora’s all like “No, we’re new here.” and DONALD FUCKING DUCK! INSULTS SEIFER AND NOW EVERYONE’S READY TO THROW DOWN! THANKS TO THIS DUMB FUCK DUCK!

But thank Christ big chungus appears out of nowhere and stops the children and two adult furries from causing a scene.

This dude is WAY too into the Struggle tournament. Seifer has an unwanted faaaaan! Bro, go away, you’re creeping on a teenager.

I wanna fight Seifer.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

I'm not working on this like I should be. I'm going on vacation soon and since we're all in quarantine I can't really do anything fun so this is the opportune time to catch up.

Moving on! We make our way to the train station and oh no, we're ambushed by Dusks! Because of COURSE we are. Who could've seen THAT coming? /s

I- I like how, even after hearing his voice, and seeing his fucking mousey silhouette, the gang STILL might not be sure this is their stupid rat king. One brain cell between the three of them, I swear, and Goofy is the primary carrier, and it only sometimes works.

Why do we need to purchase tickets to travel on a magical train embarking to an ethereal plane of existence? I guess it's the principal of it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I HAVE A MIGHTY NEED TO HUG THIS BOY. LOOK, HE'S CRYING!

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Pence is so cute. I didn't care much for him when I was younger but he's such a cutie. 

……………………………………………………………………………………………

I HAVE A MIGHTY NEED TO HUG THIS BOY. LOOK, HE'S SAD!

……………………………………………………………………………………………

It's fat cat Pete. For like ever, I had no idea he was a cat. Wonder what Maleficent saw in him to ally with him.

The trinity trio laughing about killing (or at least taking part in killing) Maleficent. "She's toast!" this sure is early 2000's dialogue...

Heartless everywhere! "You mean the worlds aren't at peace after all" well, no sweetie. It takes time for things to recover from horrible events. *looks at current state of the real world*

So like, I had no idea Yen Sid was a Keyblade warrior??? I had read about that in his Wiki page when I googled if any Keyblade warriors were left handed. (Ven might be, but more likely ambidextrous) But I guess being Mickey's teacher would imply his Keyblade wielder roots but whatever, I didn't pay attention when I was a teenager.

Yen Sid's decor is baffling. What are these bookshelves? What are these BOOKS? They're huge!

Good on Yen Sid for using singular “they” pronouns in 2005.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

On to our change of wardrobe. Without a doubt Sora's best look in the whole series, in my humble opinion. Lookit my handsome boy. 

And Sora learns about drive forms, blah, blah, blah, powerful forms, gotta sacrifice something like in Duel Monsters, in this case an ally.

Yen Sid is so boring.

All seriousness and tension is just broken as soon as Goofy’s name is uttered, at least Sora and Donald have normal names wtf.

It’s interesting how like, 15 years later, Union X explains how Maleficent was able to return after her defeat. Something about, as long as someone from your original time remembers you and you have a physical object to represent you you’re able to basically some back from the dead. Right? Am I right on that? I haven’t played it but I’m hanging by a thread on this loop.

Sora’s hard work down the drain...

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Hollow Bastion! And of course there’s trouble. Heartless, Nobodies, and Yuffie, oh my!

A problem sequels have to work around is when the protagonist needs to relearn their abilities. KH does a well and good job with this one. In CoM, it’s a different battle style, in KH2 Sora’s been asleep for a hear prior.

Also, Merlin “leant” Sora some magic spells? How does that work? Like, once you learn it you can’t just... give that knowledge back...?

……………………………………………………………………………………………

How old is Leon? He has no right being this pretty.

Another ambush by Nobodies. Give it a rest, would ya? Battle ensues, Leon deals the final blow against an enemy, and as the camera usually does, zooms in on the victor and we get a nice slow-mo crotch shot of Leon. Thanks, game... Then, Xemnas’s very sexy, very manly voice echoes across town and the organization appears before our protagonists. I’m weak.

Demyx’s laugh, dude. I love it. Sora is ready to throw hands with anyone in his way. Honey, you’re barely out of a magic coma and this dude is like, two whole feet taller than you. Not to mention very fit.

I’m done thirsting over Xemnas...

After a few taunting words, the new villains depart, Donald attempts to give chase somehow? Where you gonna go? They disappeared behind dark corridors. It seems Goofy is still holding onto that shared brain cell.

The Bastard

I like the majority of the Organization. Xigbar is definitely one of my favorites based on this next scene alone. He’s so snarky and full of shit. I love it. He’s great. He was definitely a stoner at some point.

I’m confused though. “He used to give me that same exact look!” the Wiki says Xigbar’s talking about Ven but I always thought he was referring to Roxas? Did Braig and Ven have a history? That’s implied in Days (which released before BbS) IDK dude. I’m surprised I’ve gone this long without spoiling myself too much on BbS. Like, a few story beats here and there but a lot of it isn’t gonna be known until I play it.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

The dialogue for KH2 was so different from the first game. It dates itself so much in comparison.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Xiggy stands like this for 7 whole seconds parting with a condescending “Be a good boy now!” before disappearing. I love this fucker.

Leon, who’s been sitting on the sidelines this whole time, joins Sora and the others after the real threat is gone. We chitchat for a little bit and say our goodbyes. It’s time to leave this place and move on to one of two available worlds.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

At the Beast's Castle. After fighting a hoard of Shadows, the least intimidating enemy in the series (although the demon tower in kh3 is quite frightening nlg), the Beast himself makes his appearance, takes out the Heartless that suddenly stop multiplying upon his arrival, disgracefully shoves his supposed friends aside, and takes his precious rose to the west wing, which is where it SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE FIRST PLACE. ADAM WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

……………………………………………………………………………………………

No joke one of the funniest actual gags in the whole series is:

*Donald Duck manhandling Cogsworth*

Cut to Sora saying "I'm glad you're OK." to Lumiere

……………………………………………………………………………………………

OK the minigame where you gotta light the magic torches, why do we have to make sure Cogsworth  has enough strength to keep the lever down when we have two perfectly capable companions that can hold it down instead? I remember this sequence being a lot more annoying when I was a teen.

Xaldin's voice makes me feel things. Ahhh he sounds so tired lol. He peaces out and we fight the Beast. I remember getting him to calm down being harder.

"Xaldin used my anger to control me!" Says Beast. He angers very easily so this must have been a cinch. Xaldin's been obsessed with him since Days so I would imagine this intel would come in handy.

More fodder to fight and on to the boss. Phase one is just an angrier version of the Darkball Heartless. Phase two is just skinny Ganon. I like its design though.

“Belle, I’m sorry. I wasn’t myself, being all rude and overall kind of a jackass to you and my servants” Except that’s kinda how you’ve always been lmao. Just because you couldn’t choose not to be an ass here doesn’t change that this IS in character. Still gotta work on that a bit.

“You don’t have to apologize” No, no he still does.

They all reconcile and the Trinity Trio departs until Xaldin shows up again to wreak more havoc.

Time to move on to the next world.

[melodramaticfanatic-blog]

Fic Recommendations

Since my own writing is 

right now, I thought I’d put out some things I’ve been reading while waiting for my emotional and creative processes to get their shit together. (And yeah, they’re mostly Bucky. I regret nothing.)

If You Leave Me Now  from @sugardaddysebby - Summary: You realized your marriage with your husband Henry had run its course when you discovered his various love affairs. You wanted to leave him but not without giving Henry a little taste of his own medicine involving his preferred mechanic Sebastian. Pairings: mechanic!Sebastian x reader,  rich husband!Henry x reader - This is SO GOOD. Mechanic!Seb is such a mood. Smut involved

Let Me Love You  Another from @sugardaddysebby - Summary: Working as a waitress in New York doesn’t really pay the bills. One of the regulars has grown fond of you and wants to help you monetarily. He’s not from that side of town, more of the upper east side, and more importantly, he wants to be your sugar daddy. Pairing: SugarDaddy!Sebastian Stan x Reader - Another that is SO GOOD...with more smut 😁

Fly Me to the Moon  from @jaamesbbarnes - Pairing: Pilot!Bucky Barnes x Stewardess!Plus Size!Reader Summary: When you signed up to be a Flight Attendant, you thought that the worst things you could hear were comments about your weight that doesn’t fit standards. But you had no idea that the worst part of your job would be Bucky Barnes, his charming ways and his knowledge for your sweet tooth. Warning(s): Fluff, teasing, slight mention of eating disorders and self-depreciation, language, mention of sex.  - I can’t even with this series and it just started! 😍 Protective pilot Bucky is everything I didn’t know I needed

Curves and Edges  another by @jaamesbbarnes - Pairing : Lance Tucker x Plus size gymnast reader Summary: In desperate need to blow off some steam after work but too broke to afford proper advanced classes, you ask your gymnast friend if you can practice aerial silks at the gym she goes to. Little did you know her infamous coach Lance ‘the fucker’ Tucker would also make your life a living hell. Warnings: fat shaming, language, Lance being his dick self, teasing, usual mutual pining, and maybe definitely smut at some point 😉 - I am a ho for some Lance Tucker despite his being a huge dick...and this was dick Lance at his best

His Best Girl from @stuckydealer - Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader Summary: Bucky Barnes was a man that grew up with very little, so when his bank account suddenly had more digits than he’d ever imagined, he didn’t know what to do with it. Until you. - Sugar daddy Bucky has now become my relationship goal. This is a work of art and I’m addicted despite there only being a prologue and 1 chapter so far.

Espresso from @whyisbuckyso - Summary: In which your best friend’s brother begins to set you up on dates when you mention that you haven’t been in a relationship in years, but things don’t go as expected. - The nickname, the pining, the dates!! This series is EVERYTHING! Plus I am dying to know what’s on the cups!?!?

Everything has Changed by @buckyywiththegoodhair - In which everything changes when you discover Bucky’s true feelings for you in a very unconventional manner. - This series yanks my heart out of my chest and feeds it to me and I’m just like...yes, thank you. More please. 

Make Me Believe from @imhereforbvcky (which won’t tag for some reason) - Summary: You keep meeting Bucky Barnes in unexpected places around campus and he keeps acting like you know each other, like you’re dating. As your friendship grows, you find yourself wishing he’d do more than pretend. - He can pretend we’re dating anytime. 

Tripping for You from @bloodiedskirtts - Summary: It’s Y/N’s sophmore year of college, and she’s never had a boyfriend before. But all that will change when her best friend Steve finds out about her crush on him. Determined to prove she doesn’t care for him, bad boy Bucky Barnes comes up with a genius plan. To prove she’s over Steve and he’s not “pussy whipped”. Warning: Fake Dating, Angst, Smut in some chapters so 18+. The NSFW chapters will be marked with an * A/N: Based on the book/film To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before - I read this before seeing To All The Boy’s I’ve Loved Before and tbh I liked this better 😝

The Avengers Read Thirst Tweets from @bucketbarneslove - Summary: The Avengers were told that doing this video would be good press, but considering that Peter Parker is the only one who has actually read a thirst tweet before, most of them are in way over their heads.Warnings: Some mostly tame thirst tweets, occasional swearing - Some of the funniest shit I’ve ever read. It captures everyone PERFECTLY

Master list of @propertyofpoeandbucky - I’m just gonna give you the whole enchilada on this one cause I’ve read basically the whole thing. Though I will point out In Front of the Camera as that is going on currently and is AMAZEBALLS

Break a Leg from @sunshines-fics-legit - SUMMARY: When Y/N is running late for an interview for her dream job, she runs into none other than Chris Evans (literally). After some brief moments of panic, and one ruined shirt later, he manages to help her through the ordeal. Although, not before someone at the company she’s interviewing for recognizes him and alerts the staff he’s there. With you. After Y/N gets the job due to this misunderstanding, Chris decides to take on a role at the company to keep the charade going. Friendship, general hijinx, and even a little romance ensues. - Cute Chris Evans is cute. I like it a lot (in Dumb and Dumber voice)

Love Retreat by @captainrogerss - Summary: When you’re invited to a couples’ retreat at work, you say yes to avoid further embarrassment, despite being tragically single. When you tell your friends about the situation you’re stuck in, Bucky comes to the rescue, offering to pretend to be your boyfriend and also have himself a free vacation to the Cayman Islands. (Fake Dating AU)  - So I might, maybe, have a little thing for fake dating? BUT IT HURTS SO GOOD

Soap Dish by @buckyforbreakfast - Pairing: Bucky Barnes x ReaderSummary: You thought Bucky just had a thing for your soap, turns out he just had a thing for you.Warnings: nudity, bathing together, language - It’s too cute. I can’t handle it

Helping Hand(s) from @becaamm - Summary: You and Bucky had been sharing a room since the two of you got into college, and he knew more about you than you’d let people on. That included a bit of your sexual life - or, more accurately, the lack of it. When you can’t reach your orgasm alone, he offers you a pair of helping hands. Warnings: Alternate Universe – College/University, Roommates, Vaginal Fingering, Dirty Talk - The kind of friend every girl needs really.

Lance Tucker’s Sex Coaching by @lancefvcker (also won’t tag) - Summary:  After your only ever boyfriend decides its time to call it quits, you’re very reluctant to get back out into the dating game. Especially with your inexperience in the bedroom. But when your roommate and best friend Lance Tucker offers you sex lessons, who are you to deny such an opportunity? Warnings: Very NSFW (duh?) - I don’t know what to say beyond DAMN!

Fight For You by @revengingbarnes - Brooklyn, New York. At the annual local boxing championship, Y/N is the leading medical specialist on call. It’s a whole new environment, and despite the drastic change, she loves it. Bucky Barnes is the reigning boxing champion of Brooklyn. Virtually undefeated, this tattoo artist by day, boxer by night is someone that is now fighting his way into Y/N’s head. And she’s helpless in front of his winning streak. Pairing: Boxer!Tattoo Artist!Bucky x reader - I just... UGH!! 😍

There’s about a million others that I can’t think of or find right now so don’t be surprised if I get around to posting more suggestions. Go read!!

[minnie-marvel]

Crown Fell (Peter Parker x Reader) Part 3

Asgard has been destroyed and the time has come for you to live on Midgard with your brothers Thor and Loki. They’ve decided in order to live among humans you must learn to adapt to them, and what better place to do that then highschool? Don’t worry too much though, a very cute Peter Parker is ready to teach you and might be the Prince Charming you never thought you’d find on earth.

Peter Parker X Asgardian princess! Reader

Words:2,417

Part 1 Part 2

A/N: i love calling peter a spiderling its the funniest shit. ALSO CAN I JUST SAY I’M LIVING FOR BIG BROTHERS THOR AND LOKI???

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As Tony rolled up the divider between your family, him and Peter, he heard Peter sigh tiredly. Peter couldn’t help but stare at you through the rearview mirror as you told your brothers about your eventful first day at Midtown Tech. It wasn’t that his image of you was skewed now, he just knew that maybe trying to hang out with you would be a lot harder and make him a lot more susceptible to a mysterious stabbing, or a thunderclap to the face. He shot a look of betrayal to Tony.

“When were you going to tell me?!” He hissed under his breath.

“I did tell you! Don’t you remember kid?” Tony asked a knowing smirk playing on his lips. Peter crossed his arms and looked out the window as to not draw attention to himself as he murmured.

“All you told me was that I’d be meeting someone that I have to protect today! I assumed you meant at the compound and you know, not my high school!!!!” 

Tony let out a laugh.

“It's not that big a deal kid, Y/N, may be an Asgardian princess, but she’s still a teenager!! Thor and I just want her to be able to adapt to Midgardian life seeing as Asgard went to hell according to Thor and Loki,” Peter’s eyes scanned to yours while you weren’t paying attention, wrapped up in the company of your brothers. He wondered how you were able to seem so composed and collected in school, despite having so much going on in your personal life. 

“So when you say I’m supposed to protect her…” Peter trailed softly giving Tony a side glance.

“Thor says that there are still enemies of Asgard out to kick them when they’re already down. They both just want to make sure their baby sister is going to be alright here,” He glanced over his glasses to look at Peter’s conflicted figure.

 “Y’know kid I’d take it as a compliment, it’s not every day that the gods of thunder and mischief trust people to help them, let alone someone as close to them as their sister.” He said before turning his eyes back to the road while driving.

“Don’t stress yourself out you’ll get grays.”

Loki let his nose scrunch up as you described lunch to him and Thor. “They made you eat what?” He asked nearly gagging.

“I must admit I didn’t find it appetizing either… so I’m famished.” You confessed laying back in your chair your stomach growling.

“And this… flash, he seems like a burden,” Thor said with a shake of his head. “Be sure to let the spiderling know if he bothers you too much.” You felt your eyebrows raise. “Spiderling? Who’s that?” You saw Loki nod off at Peter who sat beyond the divisor looking bored as he mumbled an occasional word or two to Tony. 

So Peter really did know Tony Stark. You couldn’t say you were surprised, contrary to Flash you didn’t think that Peter was the type to lie about himself to others unless necessary. You smiled softly to yourself. He was a nice boy, being so kind to you on your first day when he knew virtually nothing about you still made you pleasantly surprised.

Loki and Thor exchanged quick knowing glances with one another as they caught you staring at Peter. Thor wrapped his arm around your shoulders and Loki pat the top of your head drawing you out of your thoughts. 

“Nevermind that, let’s just get home so we can take a moment to ourselves and relax,” Thor smiled all while keeping his eyes on the unsuspecting spiderman who stared out the window. 

---

You walked beside your brothers behind Peter and Tony before you all stood in the compounds living facility standing in the kitchen. Thor roamed the refrigerator for something you could eat while Peter piped up to talk to you again. 

“So…Europe huh?” He joked as you tried to keep back a laugh.

“If I knew you were an Avenger I would have told you sooner!!” You said genuinely as the two of you sat on barstools at the kitchen’s counter. 

“He’s not an Avenger,” Tony chimed as he walked past the two of you.

Peter rolled his eyes as he leaned in forward to begin his assault of questions. “So since you’re like Thor and Loki’s sister, does that mean you’ve got powers too?” He asked.

“I don’t have Thor’s thunderous strength or Loki’s sly wit, but my mother has helped me with my illusions when I was younger,” you explained. You took your pointer finger letting it whir in a circle before a soft turquoise light illuminated in a ring creating the small illusion of a bee. Peter’s eyes widened before he broke out in a loud laughter.

“You didn’t!!!” he shouted staring at your illusion as the bee floated around his head. He had to admit your work was quite impressive. It fooled him and the entire cafeteria the first time, he wondered just how much you could do.

“What about the whole antler thing?? Like how Loki had when he first invaded?” He asked excitedly.

“My crown?” you asked waving a hand over your head the turquoise light creating it from the seemingly thin air. The gold crown sat on your head the sharp horns pointed backward as opposed to your brother’s and father’s crown. There were wings that framed against the side of your cheeks and went back as well to protect your face.

“I don’t really wear it often, its only for special occasions,” You explained whisking it away. “Like banquets, ceremonies, days of courtship,” you said simply with a shrug. Peter’s eyes widened but only slightly as you finished.

“Days of courtship?” His voice cracked when he asked you to explain. You nodded lamely as you watched Thor fish out some leftover french toast from the morning.

“Yes, they were always such boring ordeals but I did them for my father’s sake…” You sighed rolling your eyes just thinking back at your many evenings spent with princes of different realms and universes.

“Not many caught my eye, to be honest, I always wanted to be off with my brothers playing with them,” You shrugged. 

Peter felt a lump form in his throat as he swallowed down. You were some princess alright, he wondered just how many poor souls you had turned down in your past. Before he knew the truth behind your, he would have just suggested dinner and a movie. Now he was trying to calculate in his head how much caviar might cost if he really wanted to impress you.

“None deserved your gaze my sweet sister and none do now,” Loki said putting his hands on your shoulders.Peter felt his hands get clammy. Was it just him or was his malicious gaze meant to be focused on him?

“Hey uh Odin’s angels,” Tony interjected before Peter could send a fearful gaze in his way. “A word if you will,” he said motioning to an office down the hall. “You can stay here Y/N, it’ll just be a minute, promise,” He  walked ahead Thor and Loki following slowly behind.

“What is it now Stark,” Loki asked as the door closed behind them. Tony sat at the desk before pulling up a screen in the middle of the air and typing on a projection of a keyboard.

“I didn’t want to alarm you in front of your sister but I got a blip on my ETR,” he looked at the screen as he continued typing in coordinates.

“ETR…?” Thor asked his eyebrows scrunching.

“My Extra-Terrestrial Reader, it notifies me if there’s any suspicious activity from other world space crafts or portals that come into the earth. It’s what gave me a heads up when you first arrived to pick your sister up,” He explained. He pinched his fingers on a screen map of North America zooming in on a small glowing blue dot that was present in Canada not too far away from New York.

“Here’s the blip, but it’s not from a coordinate I’ve seen before,” he finished setting his arms down in frustration. “I was hoping you might know where it’s coming from.”

They both scanned the coordinates but found their minds blank as they both looked at the glowing dot curiously. Loki shook his head slowly. “It’s nothing we recognize.” He said honestly before letting out a sigh of frustration himself.

“It could be nothing,” Tony suggested. “But if it comes on my feed again it might be worth it to look into. I’d want you both with me,” he finished. “If that happens, I’m assuming you’ll want Y/N to stay here, which is fine but you should probably let her know if that’s the case.”

“No,” Loki said instantly without even registering the concept properly in his head. “Y/N has the stubbornness of my brother if she knows that there is trouble on this earth and that we’ve gone to subdue it she’ll want to come too.”

Thor nodded in agreement. “That’s not something we can let happen, Y/N is our little sister, we don’t want to throw her into any danger whatsoever.”

Tony closed the window out and folded his hands together properly as he rested his chin. “Seems like we’re all on the same page then.”

---

You placed your hands on your lap as you turned your body to Peter. You guessed it was your turn to get some information on him now. “So you’re a spiderling I hear?” You grinned causing Peter to flush red.

“Huh?? oh yeah, Spiderman!! Yeah, that’s like my alter ego when I’m helping Mr. Stark and the others out with hero stuff,” Your eyes lit up in excitement. 

“You mean… Tony Stark he actually lets you come along with him in battle??” You were practically on the edge of your seat.

“Well uh yeah!!! I’m kind of like their secret weapon… they don’t call me out unless they need me,” He said puffing out his chest slightly as he stretched. Hey, it wasn’t like he was lying!! He was sort of like a secret weapon when he had that rundown with Cap. And Tony really didn’t call him out at all unless they needed him. It was just that they rarely did. 

“Amazing…” You whispered starry-eyed. “I could only dream of my brothers letting me fight alongside them…” You put your face in your two hands as you leaned back on the counter. 

“Well, can you fight?” Peter asked noticing your change in mood. He thought he’d have to cheer you up before you swiftly turned to him smiling as if you were happy he asked. Your arms crossed over your chest before they flashed at your sides two daggers made of a glimmering brown and turquoise marble revealing themselves to him.

“Father gave me these on my fifth birthday but I never get to use them!! I keep them on me all the time in case I need to,” You said twisting one of the knives in front of his face causing Peter to back up instinctively.

“How’d you do that!?” He asked urgently.

“Do what?”

“The- The knives Y/N!!! Like you just… whoosh!!” He said copying your movements perfectly minus the appearance of two daggers at his side.

“It’s sort of like Mjölnir, or Loki’s daggers they sort of just have an attachment to me, when I need them they come,” You said simply. 

“That’s awesome….” Peter whispered now leaning forward to take a closer look at them. He noticed how smooth the skin was on your hands, how your nails were perfectly manicured as they held such a dangerous weapon within them. 

“Right?? Do you want to use one and we could have a sparring match!?” You eagerly pushed the knife closer towards him causing him to back up again.

“What?? Y/N, not a chance!!! You’ll stab me in like two seconds!!” He laughed. 

“Oh please, I promise to go easy on you Peter!!” You begged tossing the knife in the air catching it by the handle after it did a three sixty flip.  

He rolled his eyes his shoulders still jumping up and down as he continued to laugh. “Y/N, I’d like to graduate high school without having to say I’ve gotten stabbed before,” he joked. You put the daggers away with a shrug. “Suit yourself spiderling,” you chimed.

“Spiderman!” he corrected feigning offense placing a hand on his chest. You both laughed together happily before breaking off into a silence that was filled with a pleasant atmosphere.

“School seems like it will be…interesting, and now that I have you as a friend it will only make things more pleasant for me,” You said softly full of enthusiasm. 

“Maybe… I can adapt into Midgardian life…” you said just barely above a whisper. The very idea confused you, made you conflicted, even disturbed you. You still weren’t ready to give up your Asgardian life and you weren’t sure if you ever would be, but at least with Peter Ned and Michelle at your side, it wouldn’t be as terrible as you initially thought.

“Hey, if I can survive high school right now, then so can you,” Peter said placing a hand on your shoulder.

Everything stopped for a moment as your eyes landed on his hand and quickly followed his arm up to his brown eyes. You felt your chest clench with the sweet sincerity of his words, though you would never tell him. 

“We’ll do it together! But like not tomorrow because it’s the weekend,” He said his teeth glimmering when he smiled. When he took his hand back you could still feel his touch on you. You pursed your lips tightly together.

“Will you be going then?” You asked softly. “I would hate to be alone here in case Loki and Thor have to leave,” Peter shook his head happily.

“I’ll be here for tomorrow, then I have to get back to my Aunt May,” he explained. “But hanging out in the tower is definitely going to be fun!! I only get to stay over if something’s really going wrong on Earth so it’s sort of like a vacation I guess?? Everything’s so expensive here and Mr. Stark lets me order pizza for dinner with WHATEVER toppings I want,” He said happily as if he were thinking about the pizza now.

“Pizza?” You asked with a small tilt of your head.

His eyes widened in shock and horror. “Oh my god you did not just say that,”

Part 4

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[chaniters]

Karaoke night

Sidestep goes deeper into the super-hero underworld. His friends reveal some dark secrets. Also. Sidestep at a party!

Enjoy!

---------------------------------------------------

You pull your mask down as you enter, following Ortega and Anathema. You really didn't want to come, to the party, but Anathema insisted, and Ortega has been down for a while now. He got into a huge fight with Riley about a month ago, and they haven't spoken since.

You were shocked that Riley was male, you had always been convinced Ortega was straight. Perhaps he was convinced too, and that's what makes him so confused. He's had a few flings since you met him, and he's never been so bothered by a breakup before.

You take a good look around you, studying the large warehouse

Ortega has explained how this works. Twice a year, Owl and several heroes organize the party at a different location. All heroes of Los Diablos operating on the west coast are invited, even those that keep their identities secret. So you can go in with your mask if you want.

The crowd is much larger than you expected. You can see Sentinel flirting with Elyse at the back. The Answer sharing drinks with Omega. Bastion and Blast are dancing. 

No cameras or cell phones are allowed. It's virtually the safest place for you.

You turn to talk to your friends.. but they're gone. 

The music is too loud... you only know a handful of people here... Now you can feel them staring at you, the guy with the casted arm (or is that just your perception?). 

So many thoughts... You feel overwhelmed and immediately raise your shields. You slowly creep towards a wall. Panic slowly creeps up like a cold breeze on your back.ed

But then your training kicks in. Parties. You have been thought about how they work. There are ways to change your shields.. to help yourself not be noticed so much by the crowd.

If you can concentrate then you can...

"There you are!" Anathema says bumping into you. "Come! This is going to be epic!"

"What? Where are we going?"

"To the reading contest"

"What's a reading contest?" 

"Oh, you'll see" He snickers. He leads you towards an improvised stage on the other end. The owl is there talking to some people.

"Hey, Can Sidestep and I go next?" He asks cheerfully.

"Sure can" Owl answers. "We're short on victims right now. Did you find a good piece?

"YES!"

Owl chuckles. "Alright, you're next, just wait until Warhawk and Medea are done.

"What... is this?" You ask approaching Anathema. 

"Oh just watch and listen"

You lean in to observe the "Reading Contest". 

Warhawk and Medea each hold texts on their hand, and seems to be enacting some sort of play... it doesn't take long for you to realize the type of play they are in is not for children.

"What's.. going on?" You ask nervously.

"Fanfiction. Hero fans flood the web with all kinds of stories involving us heroes. The reading contest is just that. two or more heroes have to read their parts in the fanfiction stories, and the one who does it best wins."

"Is this a real thing?"

"Yep"

"But why is there so much... Sex in their scene?"

"Oh if you're not the best at acting, then making your opponents laugh or chicken out is the best way for them to lose. Actually, almost every fricken scene is sex. It's the funniest"

"WHAT? WHAT KIND OF SCENE DO YOU HAVE FOR US?"

"Ohhhh forgot to give you your copy. Here you go" he grins.

You scan the pages quickly.

"I-... I'm not reading... any of this!" You aren't sure how to feel about this. It's quite a shock to think people would consider you would do these things to Anathema... and in his sleep...

"Did you see Chapter two when I wake up?" He is beyond himself. 

You look for a way out when...

"And the winner is... MEDEA by a landslide! She's the filthiest of them all! All Hail Medea!" The crowd cheers. 

"And now, ladies and gentlemen... I bring you an old favorite... ANATHEMA!" 

This is so surreal... Anathema is on one side of the stage.. and you feel Owl pushing you into the other side.

"And a newcomer! Never seen before... SIDESTEP!"

"And the piece da resistance they present is titled... "Sidestep/Anathema, AU, Escape from the village of the Rammed, part 3! "

The heroes around you cheer. Anathema takes his lines and starts. You feel yourself growing smaller under the pressure of people watching you...

He finishes his lines. People expect you to say yours... what to do... You look at your text. You try to speak, but your voice is a croak.

Only your training can save you. You focus...

.....................15 minutes later.................................

"I can't believe you fucking beat me" Anathema walks with you to the open bar. "I had rehearsed that shit!"

"THat's what you get for challenging me " you chuckle nervously holding the little medal they gave you. It reads "Filthiest hero". In truth, you are sweating so much under your double set layer clothing. REading that was amongst the most uncomfortable moments of your life, but you managed. 

Your training makes you a good actor. And you're curious. You don't want to admit it, but you're probably going to browse into more of these "Fictions" of you and other people.

"Where's Ortega?" You ask a bit concerned. You were supposed to try to cheer him up, but you totally lost track of him.

"There" Anathema points. "I left him by The Karaoke area."

"I'll go check on him" you offer. 

"Hey" you sit by his side. "How are you?"

"Hey" For once he's the one startled. You notice a few empty drinks by his side. "I'm alright. I guess."

"Want to talk about it?" You wish you could read his thoughts. 

"It's the same old story... only that it went nuclear this time" he sighs, taking another sip of tequila.

"How? What happened?"

"He wanted some sort of commitment... And I'm..."

"Still in the closet?" You smile 

"Yeah. I haven't figured out how to handle the media about it...."

"So it's over? Just like that?" 

"Well, he hasn't answered a single text or call. I even went to his place a few times. I think I really hurt him"

"I'm sure he'll get over it. It's been a while"

"I just want to apologize. I even invited him here. But he didn't come either"

"Well... you know, there are other ways."

"Hmm? Like what?"

"I could lend you a brick" you jest.

He can't help the smile. "Stop it"

"What? It worked like a charm"

He punches your arm playfully, now laughing.

"Ow. It was a valid suggestion"

"You bastard. You know how much I spent on repairs?"

"Nope" you confess. "I wasn't very good at talking back then."

"Well.. a lot." He takes another sip of his drink. "But don't worry about it"

"Hey, I could repay you"

"Hmm? No need seriously I..."

"Remember the Karaoke machine at your place?"

"Yep. You avoid it like the plague."

"I'll do it now and we call it even. Deal?"

"Ha. You can't do it! You'll just chicken out"

"Just watch me," you say stepping over and picking a microphone. It's not about debts. It's about distracting your friend. You are learning fast how these things work.

Someone connects a light on top of you. Then the music starts.. and the video... 

You are frozen. This isn't like the reading with Anathema. You are alone. And everyone's watching you. The mic slips from your hand. You take it back... your cue is about to start and you can't...

Someone is singing the lyrics. It’s Ortega. He took the other mic. He gets by your side, singing badly.

What the hell. You join in. You are a cuckoo, and birds are supposed to sing, right?

.................... a few awkward moments later......................

"Wow... we are... terrible. We should probably not do that again" Ortega says laughing 

"Hey, we gave it our all," you say drinking from your own glass now. "We should be proud" 

"Yep!" he smiles. "Cheers!" 

You toast and take some more. You only started drinking but he's clearly going to get drunk tonight if he keeps this up. }

"Also.. thanks for the rescue," you say blushing under your mask.

"It was fun. Maybe we should torture them some more" he gazes at the microphone "But right now... I've got to go to the bathroom" he says "where was it?" he looks a bit lost.

"Come, I'll show you," You say guiding him through the crowd. You wonder how many drinks he had before you got to him.

You take him to the bathroom area and lead him to the door. But he doesn't come in.

Instead, he gets closer to you.

"I... sorry I lied. I don't really need to go"

"Oh?" this is unfamiliar ground. "What is it?"

"I just... wanted to talk to you. Out of that crowd. I know how uncomfortable you get"

 "It's true" you admit sheepishly. "So.. I'm here what did you want to talk about?"

"I think... I..." he seems unsure.

"What?" 

"I think I'm having a crush"

"Oh? On whom ?"

"A very close and dear friend." He looks into your eyes. You suddenly feel a bit dizzy

"Ahh.. really?"

He takes your hand

"My best friend"

You laugh nervously. "You are drunk"

"Just drunk enough to speak out," he says

He gets closer to you. "Just... tell me I'm wrong... and I'll go" he 

You say nothing. He pulls your mask halfway up.

You feel your world spin. Half of you wants to panic. The other half just wants to...

He kisses you. His arms go around your back. Your casted arm gets in the way. You make do.

You can't recall how long did you stay there, kissing him. Being kissed by him. 

It seemed to go on forever.

You do know how it ended though.

Riley’s fist on connecting with your left eye.

And not too long after that, Eldritch trying to destroy you all. 

________________________

My Fanfics: https://chaniters.tumblr.com/post/181692759294/my-fanfiction-for-fallen-hero

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fan fiction using characters and the setting of the Fallen Hero: Rebirth and upcoming Fallen Hero: Retribution games written by Malin Riden. I do not claim ownership of any characters from the Fallen Hero wold. These stories are a work of my imagination, and I do not ascribe them to the official story canon. These works are intended for entertainment outside the official storyline owned by the author. I am not profiting financially from the creation of these stories, and thank the author for her wonderful game/s, without which these works would not exist.

[punkpoemprose]

Square Houses

Universe: Modern AU Rating: G (General/ All Ages) Length: 1370 words

This is all @kristanna’s fault because of this lovely piece of artwork from which I drew my inspiration.

Just a quick little warm and fuzzy fic about Overwatch, Minecraft, and the silly things you talk about with your significant other over video games. Best if you think of it as part of my “Where We Live“ drabble series, but you don’t need to know it to read this.

  Anna practically bit off her own tongue in frustration as she watched the word “Defeat” pop up on the screen again. The red letters had been taunting her all afternoon, and while she’d never thought of herself as a sore loser, or even a person with much of a competitive personality, she was beginning to imagine snapping the controller in half. It was a combination of three very important factors that kept her from doing so, the comforting weight of her boyfriend’s shoulder against hers, the fact that it had been her suggestion to buy it in the first place, and her sneaking suspicion that it would be much more difficult to do than her imagination lead her to believe.

           Kristoff shook his head from his space next to her on the couch. “That girl is impossible to hit I swear… what’s she called again? Maybe one of us should try playing her next round.”

           “Tracer,” Anna grumbled, “Maybe next time. I’ve decided to rage quit.”

           Of course, they’d only been playing briefly, but Anna knew she needed to take a step away. She’d had her heart set on playing Ana, for obvious reasons, and she had realized as soon as she’d played the first round that she really should have played a character that fit her playstyle instead. Kristoff had tried to talk her into a damage character, citing that it was what she did in every other game they played, but Anna wanted to be the healer and despite knowing he spoke logically, she was anything if not stubborn.

           She heard him as he tried and failed to restrain a chuckle. She watched the offending words disappear before her eyes and a replay of their failures light up the screen accompanied by the sounds of Kristoff reigning himself in. She decided not to be annoyed with him when he brought them back to the PlayStation’s home screen and kissed her temple just before standing up to swap out disks.

           “Minecraft?” she asked, wondering whether he could feel her eyes on his bum as he leaned over to press the eject button.

           If he could, he wasn’t bothered enough to react in anyway, and Anna was happy to be shifted around as he returned to the couch.

           “Mhmm,” he hummed as he switched out the disks.

           He knew the drill by now. Anna was quick to be exhausted by high energy games, and while they usually played them longer than they had today, he wasn’t shocked by her burnout. She’d had a long and hard week between her efforts to balance work, school, volunteerism, and her social life. Life for Anna was never simple, and even though her relationship with her sister was better than it had ever been before, he could tell that she’d felt lonely lately. He hated to see her so melancholy and tired.

          He sat down on the couch and with the hand not holding his controller, he directed Anna’s movements until they were comfortably snuggled together on the couch. Bending his head down slightly, he kissed the crown of her head and closed his eyes while Anna clicked them through the start screen and into the main game.

          “What were we doing last time?” he asked, loving the way it felt to have her in his lap, her back against his chest. If he could have his way, she’d always be in his arms or curled up in his lap. There was nothing he loved so much as feeling her breathing and shifting against him. He was still trying to figure out how he had been lucky enough to come to call her his own in the first place. Being hers didn’t seem like an even trade in return.

          “Gardening, I think,” she said, cozying down a bit more in his arms. She loved the ease in which they interacted. The brush of his hands against her breasts as he handled the controller brought a blush to her cheeks, but there was no awkwardness between them, only comfort.

          He chuckled, “You know we could actually garden sometime, my parents own a farm.”

          “And we live in an apartment in the middle of the city. Let me have my Minecraft garden.”

          “Baby I’d never deny you anything,” he said back with a chuckle, but Anna knew he was being honest. He’d never denied her a single whim and so long as it was up to him, she knew he never would.

          “Thank you.”

          He smiled at her returned sincerity and moved the joysticks on his controller to move around the block environment. He was busily working to finish the irrigation channel they had started the last time they played, as Anna had planted sugar cane in the adjoining squares of soil.

          “Do you want a cat or a dog?” She asked as they finished up the work and determined their next great quest.

          “We’ve already got Sven,” he replied, “well you know, game Sven… and also real Sven, who’s probably getting into the trash since we’re not telling him not to…”

          “I know, but our house is so big, I thought maybe we’d get another?”

          “You’d adopt every stray…”

          “Just be happy these ones are pixels,” she replied, knowing full well that if their current accommodations were appropriate, they would definitely have at least one more pet, and that it would be just as much his fault as her own.

          “Whatever you want baby,” he said in return, getting the feeling that he would be saying it for the rest of their real and virtual lives as he made pixel Kristoff follow pixel Anna back to the front of their pixel home.

          It had been a labor of love, many video game nights of work and planning had created a small cottage that Anna had proudly compared to a Kinkade painting. He’d laughed in return and called it a cubist rendition. It wasn’t a particularly funny joke, but when she’d laughed and smiled with all her teeth, he’d felt like the funniest man on the planet.

          “Do you think we’ll ever have that someday?”

          Her voice was so low that Kristoff barely heard her.

          He grinned in return, his eyes on the screen. “A square house made of patterned cubes?”

          Anna shook her head and blushed, “A home, like a real brick and mortar, just you and me and all the pets I decide to adopt home.”

          “Well,” he started, staring at the screen, “I always imagined it having kids in it too.”

          The screen was greyed out, and he could barely recognize thee fact that it was the paused menu screen before Anna was turning herself around.

          She turned and kissed him on instinct. It was a gut reaction of hers anytime they talked about their future.

          The controllers clanked to the couch at her side as she moved to straddle him. His hands were already finding her waist, pulling her in close to deepen their kiss. Her fingers tangled into his hair, smoothing it and toying with it as they took their time to breathe the other in.

          The last of the anxiety in her brain, the lingering tendrils of the week’s stress, melted away as they kissed and slowed and stopped to look at the other and then kissed more. The promise of a future lingering between them, as it always did, but feeling more tangible than usual with every touch.

          “I want to tell you I’m sorry for not being around a lot this week,” he said gently, his thumb rubbing circles slowly on her back, “but I feel like the slightly more urgent issue at the moment would be either going back to the game or turning off the PlayStation, because of course the game doesn’t really pause, and I think that square is a zombie coming for us.”

          Anna looked back over her shoulder to see that in the grey background of the pause screen, a zombie was indeed walking straight for her.

          “I’d also like to mention that I imagined it with far fewer members of the undead.”

          She rolled her eyes and grabbed her controller to un-pause the game and get at least herself to safety as he grabbed for his controller in return.

          She was still smiling when the screen went black.

[conanobrien1963]

It’s show time By Nicholas Kralev, The Financial Times Magazine, February 10, 2001

NEW YORK — Conan O’Brien has no regrets that the longest election in US history is over. True, Campaign 2000 and the 36 agonising days that followed were a gift from heaven for late-night TV hosts. They were courted by both Al Gore and George W. Bush, who made “nice-guy” appearances aimed at winning young voters (keener viewers of late comedy shows than the prime-time evening news). At the same time they had a ball firing jokes at the candidates.

But now, with a new president in office, “it gets even better”, says O’Brien, beaming at the thought of the mocking monologues probably being born in the writing room of his show, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”, as we speak.

“Presidents get funnier all the time,” he says. “Nixon was a lot of fun for comedians — a good target. But Clinton may be the funniest. The bonus when you are finally president is that you don’t have to come on these dreadful shows any more.”

As “Late Night”, along with other comedy programmes — such as “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” on NBC and “The Late Show with David Letterman” on CBS — makes media analysts ponder the impact they have on voters, late-night comedians feel on top of the world. Having had Democratic vice-presidential candidate Joseph Lieberman sing Sinatra’s “My Way” on his NBC show, and made good use of all the negative points of White House contenders during the campaign, O’Brien says that his is “a good business to be in”.

The taping of “Late Night” has just ended, and we’ve swapped Studio 6A at NBC’s Rockefeller Centre headquarters in New York for O’Brien’s comfortable ninth-floor office. The 6ft 4in comedian has replaced his on-camera suit with jeans and a casual shirt, and is kicking off the post-production part of his evening with a cold beer. I notice that he’s neither as lanky as he used to be — his reported $2m salary has apparently made a difference — nor as carrot-topped as everybody describes him. “My hair is much more red on TV, from the lighting,” he agrees quickly. “It was never that red. It’s a misconception.”

Misconceptions are no novelty for O’Brien. Having watched him for an hour every night for seven years, millions of Americans have created an image of him based solely on “Late Night”. They expect him to joke and be funny all the time, and think that he’s kidding even when he’s serious. “Most people usually assume that I’m making a joke. When I try to complement someone sincerely, they think I’m being sarcastic. Sometimes I’d say, ‘You did a really nice job for me, thank you’, and they’d say, ‘Go to hell, how dare you, you are so mean’. And I’m just being nice.”

Another unpleasant consequence of having a job like his, he explains, is that, “when I walk around the street, since people see me only on the show, always smiling, they are not used to seeing me being just normal, and think that I’m depressed. I��m not — I just have this face, I’m neutral. I’m going to buy bread, or I’m walking my dog”. But he’s not, he’s quick to point out, one of those comedians who are “funny only during that hour they are on TV”, and “quiet and shy” in real life. “We always hear that Steve Martin, Woody Allen and others, who are really alive on camera, are introverted at other times. I don’t relate to that and don’t understand it. During the day, you’ll see me wandering in people’s offices, trying to make them laugh. I enjoy it.”

Most of O’Brien’s staff — about 60 people occupying the entire floor — are accustomed to his style. Some, however, never get used to the pressure of the daily deadlines and the speed, which often resembles that in a newsroom. “I have fired people who haven’t worked out,” he admits, “but not too many. I’ve had people murdered, but that’s a different story — it’s much easier.”

That, of course, is a joke. And it’s a perfect illustration of how others’ expectations of O’Brien sometimes force him to play the funny guy from the show, rather than be himself. His jokes, however, aren’t always easy to distinguish from his “serious speak”. To make it easier for me, he suggests holding up his hand when he’s serious. But things work out without hand intervention, as soon as I engage him in a meaningful, intellectual conversation.

If one keeps him serious for a while, the 37-year-old O’Brien can be thoughtful and philosophical about his job. Although now everybody takes his success — and his refreshing yet nervous boyish charm — for granted, it took nearly four years to prove himself to network executives, audiences and critics. After many 13-week contracts and reviews calling his show “lifeless and messy”, he finally signed a five-year deal in 1997. But when he started, in 1993, he was virtually unknown, and many people accused him of not having earned his big break.

“After the first tough years, I felt I’d paid for that studio,” he muses. “I bled for this show. I put my heart into it.” He says that he realised he was “in a lot of trouble” at first, but never contemplated giving up. “In such cases, you tend not to think too much — you just do. There was no time to sit around and worry. If you are trapped in a burning house, you don’t sit on the floor thinking what to do. You start running around, try to find an open window and get out. What kept me going was that I really wanted it to work. Deep inside I knew I could do this. I just needed time to develop the skills.”

Confidence was the key to his “dramatic transformation”, O’Brien says. “I used to live or die by what I said every night. If I had something funny to say, I felt like a hero. But if I didn’t get a laugh, I was visibly unhappy and upset. It took confidence to realise that not everything I say is funny. I learned to enjoy the mistakes as much as the success. Now I make fun of myself for not getting a laugh.”

Today, with the wisdom of an almost veteran, he counters the notion that the way to succeed in a job like his is to learn how to play a TV talk show host. “That’s not true. The way to succeed is to somehow figure out how to be who you always were, but in a very strange environment — in a studio, with cameras looking at you. My struggle was finding a way to take this part of me that was very natural and spontaneous, get control of it and make it look the same in this artificial surrounding.” Unlike on “Friends” and “Frasier”, where an actor plays someone else for half an hour, “on my show, it’s me for an hour every night”. So, inevitably, “people are going to see who I really am. I can’t invent a personality, but I can showcase the personality I already have”.

Although he has always liked performing, as a child O’Brien never though that it would become his profession. “I was very serious, and I didn’t know that you could do comedy for a living — it was something you did with your friends. My hometown was as far removed from Hollywood as you can imagine. I’d never met anybody in show business — or any famous person for that matter.” Born on April 18, 1963, in Brookline, Massachusetts (the Boston suburb known as John F. Kennedy’s birthplace), O’Brien was one of six children of a Catholic Irish family. His mother, Ruth, was a lawyer, and his father, Tom, a doctor, so Conan thought he’d do “something responsible”– “go to a good college, then law school, and then maybe get into politics”.

He followed his plan, but very briefly. He was a “smart student, with a good work ethic” and, after graduating from Brookline High School in 1981, he enrolled at Harvard, in neighbouring Cambridge. (“When I heard, as a boy, that there was Cambridge, England, I thought that they were copying us.”) He had written plays and sketches before, and performed them for his friends, but it wasn’t until he started working for the Harvard Lampoon, the university’s venerable comedy magazine, that he realised that “adults were taking this seriously”. He decided that if he could make $5 a day doing comedy, he’d go for it.

He eventually became the Lampoon’s editor — a position that helped him to get to know many of his fellow students. “Everybody assumes that only the smartest people in the world go to Harvard,” he says. “They don’t. It’s just a very unusual collection of people. A few years ago, when they caught the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski, the news media were shocked that a Harvard graduate could be this weird, eccentric loner, who is bent on destroying society.’ I was the exact opposite: I said, ‘Of course he went to Harvard. I knew at least five future Unabombers when I was there.’”

Just before O’Brien left Harvard, the student newspaper asked him what he thought he’d be doing in 10 years. He said he’d have his own television show. He underestimated himself — eight years was all he needed.

He didn’t know exactly what he wanted to do after Harvard. He loved comedy and performing, but had no interest in acting. In 1985, he arrived in Los Angeles, where an acquaintance helped him to get a writing job on an HBO show called “Not Necessarily the News”. He also joined a local improv class — “Friends” star Lisa Kudrow was among his fellow students. Two years later, he began writing for the late-night series “The Wilton North Report”, but it had a short life, so O’Brien decided to move to New York. For three years from 1988, he worked as a writer for NBC’s “Saturday Night Live” (“SNL”). The show, featuring some of America’s top comedians, such as Phil Hartman, Mike Myers and Dana Carvey, helped him to make valuable professional connections. He appreciated the opportunity to create his own sketches, but when it came to performing he was allowed only fleeting appearances as a crowd member or security guard.

In 1992, O’Brien joined the staff of Fox’s hit animated series, “The Simpsons”, starting as a writer and producer, and moving up to supervising producer the following year. But he wasn’t happy there, either. ��As great as the show was, I was speaking through all those other established characters, while at “SNL” I could create a whole new world, with no limitations. Another frustration was that “The Simpsons” had a much more controlled environment, because it’s animation. You can spend a year on an episode to get it right. I loved the show, but it wasn’t mine — there is a big difference between being the manager of a Hilton hotel in Hawaii and running your own bed and breakfast.”

His B&B chance came sooner than he expected. In 1993, late-night legend Johnny Carson retired from The Tonight Show and NBC sought a replacement. David Letterman, then hosting “Late Night”, was regarded as the heir apparent. The job, however, went to the little-known Jay Leno, and the deeply offended Letterman left the network, taking over “The Late Show” on CBS, which directly competes with Leno’s programme. The “Late Night” seat was now open, with no obvious front-runners. O’Brien begged executive producer and “SNL” creator Lorne Michaels to let him audition. He got the job immediately.

Having long been a fairly good writer but a “frustrated performer”, O’Brien had finally found the right combination. Although he would, for the most part, recite lines written by someone else, he could make a creative contribution at any time. But being in front of the camera made a world of difference. “When I wrote,” he recalls, “it was never over; I was always editing it in my head, torturing myself. Now, I can worry during rehearsals, but when the hour is over, the hour is over. It’s done, and there is another show to do tomorrow. It’s been good for me, because I needed to learn how to just let go of things — I’m obsessive and compulsive. I forget about what just happened and move to the next thing, and I do it as well as I can.”

With the initial scepticism forgotten, O’Brien’s show now attracts an estimated 2.5m viewers a night. Although “The Tonight Show” remains NBC’s premier forum for Hollywood celebrities — and, lately, for politicians — “Late Night” has had luminaries like Harrison Ford, Sylvester Stallone, Elton John, Sigourney Weaver and Helen Hunt. “The booking is a nightmare,” O’Brien complains. “Fortunately, we’ve been around long enough to get good guests. At the beginning, it was very tough, because we had to make it funny with unknowns. But no show can survive if it requires Tom Cruise or Madonna — those people have to be a nice, occasional surprise.”

O’Brien says that he avoids watching comedy on television: “It’s like a dentist going home and cleaning someone’s teeth for fun”. He prefers documentaries and “serious movies”. He’s cautious about trying to learn from fellow comedians, afraid that doing so would take away his “unique flavour”. Unlike broadcast journalism, for example, where “you can learn certain techniques, comedy is a very personal thing”, he says. “Once you start to alter too much who you are, to reach some professional quality, you lose what many people tune in for.”

His own celebrity is now part of the reason for “Late Night’s” popularity. He thinks that “it’s fair game for the media to ask about my personal life — I have nothing to hide — but I’m not an important historical figure, so it’s good to keep some things private”. He has been single since his last, nine-year relationship ended in 1999, though the tabloids have been speculating about new girlfriends. “I’m going out with Cher now. Please write this!”

O’Brien returned to Harvard last June, to give the traditional Class Day speech before the graduating class. “I was very much aware that someone else could have been speaking that day, and that no one might have remembered Conan O’Brien — a complete nonentity, who had graduated in 1985, with a degree in American history and literature, and had vanished. That keeps me humble. I feel really lucky — I’m the poster boy for luck. Getting this job was an extremely fortunate break.” (x)

[purplesurveys]

1237

disclaimer I’ll be taking into account the last 24 hours for the first part because it’s 3 in the morning and I haven’t really done anything yet lmao anywho

survey by chasingghosts

Have you today?

Looked in a mirror? Yeah I took a shower earlier so I couldn’t really avoid the mirror in the bathroom.

Watered a plant? I don’t do plants. Can never take care of them to save my life.

Worn denim? I did, actually. Some package came for me earlier today and I didn’t really look the most decent, so before heading out to meet the delivery guy I grabbed the first jacket I saw, which was denim.

Washed your hair? Yes, when I took said shower a couple of hours ago.

Been in pain? Yup my back and shoulders feel like hell from sitting on my ass all day while at work.

Had a nap? Kinda, I guess? I fell asleep at around 9, 9:30ish...woke up at around 1 AM, and here I am now. I don’t plan on sleeping anymore.

Brushed your teeth? Yup.

Kissed someone? Just my dogs.

Used a cheese grater? No, I don’t think I’ve consumed any cheese today either.

Eaten something sweet? Nah, it’s all been salty/savory for me today.

Spoken to a stranger? Sure.

Dropped something? I drop my vape pen at least once a day, so yes.

Felt upset in some way? UGH yeah. Our internet disappeared at around 2 in the afternoon and it still hasn’t come back, and our service provider’s social media has been unsurprisingly unresponsive and useless. I’ve been using data since then and I’m just worried about how long this would take because I don’t want to keep spending just for extra load. I also have my Korean language classes this afternoon which will for sure require a lot of data :/

Drank coffee? I have a full mug of it beside me right now.

Walked for more than thirty minutes? LOL no, I’ve only stayed indoors.

Signed up for something? Hmm I don’t think so.

Travelled in a car? See two answers above this.

Opened a can? Nopes.

Thought about doing something crazy? Just me thinking about dropping another couple thousands on merch until I mentally slapped myself and told myself I’d be fucking stupid if I spent on one more piece of stupid merch.

Listened to a new song? Yes, I tried listening to Love Shot by EXO over dinner since my sister had started humming it. It was okay but I quickly shifted back to BTS right after hahaha.

Written in a notebook? No. I only do so when I practice my Hangul but I have yet to work on that today.

Fed an animal? Yes, I have pets.

Checked your emails? I mean that’s kind of the standard in my job lol I have my Gmail tab up throughout the 8 hours.

Told someone you love them? No.

Made a phone call? No, I’m rarely the one who makes the call.

Have you in the last week?

Travelled on a bus? I’ve never ridden a bus solely for commuting by myself. I’ve only been on them when it’s the arranged vehicle, like for school field trips or our family vacations. Our public buses are quite bleck and unsanitary and the drivers maneuver the buses like it’s their last goddamn hour on the planet, so I don’t get on them myself.

Washed your face? I mean yeah, when I take showers. I don’t really have a skincare routine though, if that’s what you mean.

Used a blender? We rarely have a use for a blender at home so we don’t even have one.

Received a phone call? No. My biggest pet peeve is when delivery riders call me up once they’ve arrived at our place just to say “I’m here,” but fortunately the one assigned to me today to deliver my package knew how to use the doorbell.

Talked to someone you dislike? Yeah I have to deal with a client I absolutely fucking despise everyday.

Consumed alcohol? I’ve thought of it, but then I thought of how sleepy I get whenever I drink alcohol and decided against it because I wanted to stay up tonight.

Eaten pasta? Yeah, my dad made Filipino-style spaghetti for dinner the other evening.

Planned for an event? Not an event per se but sure, I made some plans? Punk is slated to make his debut on AEW/return to pro wrestling next weekend or sometime soon, idrk - and this is a big fucking deal omg, 15 year old Robyn has arisen from her grave - and Andi and I made plans to watch it together so we can freak the fuck out.

Asked someone for a favour? Yes. I borrowed cash from my mom since the delivery fee for my packaging earlier was apparently cash on delivery.

Watched something funny? I mean I watch BTS clips pretty much everyday and a gigantic chunk of them are hilarious.

Trimmed your nails? No, but I did bite on them multiple times.

Browsed Reddit? I did actually! After a super long time of not doing so...I just decided to randomly check out r/bangtan to see what’s going on there. It’s mostly Americans though so idk if I’ll make a habit out of browsing.

Talked to yourself? Oh this happens a few times a day.

Purchased tickets for something? Nope.

Felt like you were annoying someone? Just about everyday.

Cleaned a toilet? I have not.

Reminisced about the past? Not really. I’ve made references to the past with friends, but we didn’t ~reminisce.

Used headphones? Yeah I always use my headphones when playing Rhythm Hive so I can hear the beats better.

Laughed with a friend? Many times. Always just virtually, though.

Cooked dinner and then didn't feel hungry? I don’t cook.

Written a list? LOL yes. My period had been coming and I noticed I was crying over the smallest, stupid things, so I started a list of the things I cried over the last week. The funniest item on the list is probably an ad that was shown to us during a campaign briefing...

Played an instrument? Nope.

Felt jealous or envious? I will sometimes feel the tiniest tinge of envy and wistfulness when I see my friends in happy and fulfilled relationships, but it passes in a second.

Ignored a text message on purpose? So many hahahahahahah

Congratulated someone? Yes!!! Graduation season was last week so I congratulated a shit ton of friends.

Have you in the last month?

Made a piece of art? Making art was never made for me, so no.

Rewatched one of your favourite tv shows or movies? Yep, I rewatched Friends a couple of weeks ago.

Called a plumber? Nope.

Been to a see a doctor? I mean, technically I guess yeah? When I had to get my vaccine shot.

Finished a book? I haven’t done that in a while.

Had a crush on someone? Just celebrities but I won’t count those.

Travelled on a train? I haven’t.

Worn heels? Haven’t done this either.

Been to a friend's house? I’ve been to Angela’s house semi-regularly, yup.

Shared a bed with someone? Nah.

Been to see a movie at the cinema? I haven’t been to the cinema in like a year and a half.

Paid attention to celebrity drama? Erm not really. I also haven’t been up to date with that, especially with American celebrities hahaha.

Felt anxious? Maybe not anxious but nervous.

Taken an elevator? Yeah in Mega since that place is so goddamn big.

Given someone the cold shoulder? Yep, my mom when she is being extra annoying/condescending.

Purchased a new book/game/movie? I guess you can say that? I bought a subscription pack on Rhythm Hive because I was using it regularly anyway.

Applied for a job? I already have a job, so no. I did get a job proposal on Linkedin a couple of weeks ago with another PR firm, but I took a look at their clients just to see if the offer was something I could sink my teeth into - and even though their brands were quite high-profile, they were in industries I didn’t particularly find interesting.

Used a printer? Nah.

Had lunch in a park? No.

Gotten a manicure or pedicure? I have not.

Made an appointment? Just for my shot but that’s it.

Had a blood test done? Noooooo not another one of those plz.

Suffered from a major bruise? Not a major bruise but a huge bloody gash on my thigh after a particlarly rowdy play session with Cooper. There’s still a very visible scar on me.

Researched a topic in-depth? I do this quite a bit in my work, yes.

Have you in the last year?

Been to the beach? No, I’ve mostly stayed at home since July 2020.

Visited someone in the hospital? I haven’t. Too risky.

Played pinball? No, it’s never interested me.

Travelled on a plane? I haven’t. :(

Worn a costume? Sure, for Halloween last year I went as Dora.

Been thrift shopping? Not that I can recall, no.

Thought about getting pregnant or got pregnant? Definitely not at this point in my life.

Made a big life decision? Uh yeah this past year was both the worst and best rollercoaster I’ve ever been on. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year since that shitty breakup...

Changed a lightbulb? Nope.

Framed something and put it on your wall? No but I have been meaning to do this for months. I just never get around to buying some actual picture frames lol.

Been stargazing? Not the professional kind of way with a telescope and all. I’ve just lied on my back at the rooftop to gaze at the night sky and the stars.

Made a new friend? So many!!! Reena is probably my bestestestest new friend <3 I mean we’ve met a while ago, as Angela’s mutual - even had a few drinks or so together - but we didn’t become closer until just a couple of months ago.

Added to a collection? I’ve had merch that arrive every week or so these days because I bought a ridiculous amount of shit between May and June when I was a new Army. I’ve substantially calmed down now, but I should expect to receive my running list of ordered merch up until September LMAO. At first I used to bitch about the really long shipping period considering all the products come from Korea, but after 3 or 4 fulfilled orders you kinda get used to it.

Been to the dentist? No.

Broken up with someone? Yessss. I didn’t know it at the time but it would turn out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Held a baby? Nah.

Created a budget? Yeah...doesn’t mean I’ve been successful. I always go over, hehe.

Confessed feelings for someone? There isn’t anyone to do that for.

Had surgery of any kind? Nopes.

Quit a job? No and I have no plans to anytime soon.

Been in a car accident? Nah but my dad has, c/o some stupid and unattentive motorcycle driver.

Purchased something worth over a grand? So in US dollar conversion, around P50,000? Hell no.

Been on vacation at least 500km/300mi from home? No. :( The farthest we’ve been to was Tagaytay and I think that’ll remain the same for a while.

Applied for an academic course? Yes, my Korean class.

Had your photo taken by a professional? No, it’s been over a year since my last professional shoot for my senior photos.