#the fuck am i saying i cant even do algebra

[kaeyas-nalgas]

I feel like the password to my poipiku posts is so easy. what if I decided to be like that one artist I saw once who put entire algebra problems to solve for the passwords

[gassydumbjocks]

Filthy Animals

Shawn sighs trying to focus on his algebra book again to study as he hears all the noise coming from the living of the apartment he shared with his roommate.

He couldn't have any worse luck than living with the most sexist, grossest, filthiest, and DUMBEST guy he've ever met, Jaden was watching the football match with his bunch of good-for-nothing bros again, or apes, like Shawn liked to call them, filling the house with the obnoxious sound of their dumb laughs and bodily functions, Shawn swore he couldn't pass five minutes without hearing (or smelling, even from his room) a belch or fart those ogres would let out, and then giggle like toddlers cuz it was so much fun for them.

"BOOOOOUUUUURRRRRPPP" the jock lets a fat bassy belch out after drinking a whole can of beer "Woooh Broo! Hahaha, that was a fucking BEAST! ah?" He says joking with his slob peers as they all agreed while watching the game or commenting about the breast or butt from the cheerleader girls they were dating on.

It was already enough for him, as he made his way out of his room decided to confront him, he found him on the couch wearing nothing but his nasty underwear and a hand under it as he scratched his balls casually, Shawn grimaced.

"Y'all will never behave?! I can hear your disgusting noises from my room, You animals!" He said, almost red from rage, but Jaden simply letted a goofy laugh with the dumb smile and look he always had, same with his dudes.

"Lil bro, relax a bit, we're bonding as we men should do, you afraid to cut the cheese or what?" he smirked as he lifted one of his legs and pointed right at Shawn, he grunted and before the poor guy could do anything "Protein fart bomb!".

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRTTTTTT!!!

The putrid stink of the protein combined with the beer and all that food he and his friends were eating hitted Shawn almost immediatly, making him gag and feeling nauseus, wanting to run to the bathroom and throw up, while Jaden was having a good laugh and fist bumping with his all his bros, some even responding with another fart just to bother Shawn more "Damn i fucking stained my briefs with that one hahaha" Jaden said smiling, and it was no joke as even Shawn could see the brown mark on them, horrifying him.

"Ewwww! STOP YOU BRUTE!" He covered his nose "You are an ANIMAL" he hissed giving him a killer look.

"What is your damn problem?" It was then when Jaden got done with his whines and looked at him "Why dont you fucking relax and start acting like a man? You could even join us if you wanted" He offered, for Shawn's surprise, but the nerd was so mad that he made a disgusted face at the idea of it.

"I wouldn't join a group of slobs without manners who only know how to think with their cocks and fart or belch non-stop like fucking pigs, You are so dumb that you cant even count past 10 or say your own names correctly!" He stated, The jocks made overexaggerated gasping sounds, seeming offended by it, Jaden just stared with a neutral expression, his 'you're dead already' look perforing him deeply. Shawn quite started to fear him once he lost his sudden dose of courage.

"We'll see who ends up being the animal here, lil bro" was all the jock said before focus on the game again, leaving Shawn with a bad feeling running throught his spine as he rushed back to his room.

"Idiot... He just wants to scare me" He said as he seated again in his chair to continue his studying for the rest of the night, A little worried tho, for Shawn he just said the truth, but he didn't know what the immature and stinky athlete could do to him, time after overthinking about it he decided go sleep, unaware of the plan the Jocks at the living were making in that moment.

During the next morning, Shawn woke up around 9 am, so he supposed Jaden would probably be at the gym before his training, he got out his room and walked to kitchen to have some breakfast, but to his surprise he was there, still in his undies as always when he was home , eating some brownies from a plate that was in the table, before smiling at the nerdy guy "Brodaah!, you want some of these? My girlfriend brought me brownies cuz she made some for the annual campus event tomorrow, but i can share" he said, as innocently as he could sound, Shawn narrowed his eyes at him and then at the brownies

"If you farted on them i swear i'll throw them to you" he threatened, Jaden rolled his eyes, grabbing another "Bro, grab some, i didn't put anything nor poisoned them, ya paranoid" He said "I left the white chocolate ones for you, i ate the rest"

The pale guy doubted for a sec, but then he thought that Jaden maybe couldn't even be that smart to think on something to ruin the food, he was the last of his class and his IQ didn't pass over 65.

He slowly extended his arm, and picked up a brownie, he sniffed it before "Smells a bit rare... What did she use to bake them?"

Jaden simply proceeded to shrug "they tasted good to me, just try one bruh! You wont regret" The jock said once again, Shawn looked at it unsure of what to do, after some eternal seconds, he sighed and finally bited the brownie, gulping it down his throat once finished

"Eh... Actually it wasn't so bad-" He got interrupted by a huge growl, coming from his deep gut in his stomach, he held it in pain with a hand, and somehow for some reason he started to feel a bit... Bloated.

"What the hell was in that?!" The nerdy guy looked in horror the taller jock, who just dedicated him an evilish and satisfied grin.

"You'll see, lets just wait it does its effect" He said, Shawn tried to run, but he couldn't move neither "This is bullsh-..SHIOOooOOOUUURRRRPP" a wet then deep and smelly belch made its way out of him out of nowhere, but instead of feeling ashamed, that burp seemed to take all the worry out of him and leaving him on a slacking and relaxed state.

"Cool haha" Jaden approached him, seeing the scrawny boy with a lost look standing there "Now we can start... Where should we... You said we were animals, but what if i tell you you are one too? Man, you even smell worse than me, just sniff your pits!"

Shawn proceed to lift his arm and sniff deeply, he showered daily, but now his armpits immediatly took a fetid and rank odor that could make even the strongest faint.

"And you also said we dont have manners, remember? You dumbass, we both know your fumes are deadly, you love to let it rip bruh hahaha"

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPRRRRRRRTTTTTT!!

That blast made Shawn's pants vibrate at the bass from that fart, with each gas he letted out, his expression seemed more and more relaxed and drool scaped from his lips.

"You forgot you are such a dumb jock" Shawn made a goofy laugh at that as he scratched his butt.

"Such a dumb and gross jock"

"BOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUURRRRRRP" was Shawn's response this time.

"You truly are an animal, dude, so dumb and filthy i cant imagine how you are even able to talk haha"

"Du... Dumb hahaha" A new deep voice came out of his throat, and then he belched again before grinning stupidly.

"Oh and, for the record" he made a pause "I did farted on those brownies, but just yours man, and Bryan could possibly rubbed them in his ass... And Wesley maybe burped on them too, i dunno, just enjoy the extra flavor haha"

Shawn never felt more dizzy or dazed in all his life, not that it mattered now tho, his life now was being a hot dumb and smelly jock, blasting burps and farts as if it was his own breath, it felt good to be dumb, it felt good to act like a man.

[kusundei]

im frashing the fuck out i cant im loterally goojg to kms or somerhign. i dont even know WHY irs not eben like it was bad or anything it qas just so. so annoying and so . i dont know. it made me feel so bad and it just makes me keep thinking abt how im a junior. im not trying to speak shit ijto existence but over n over i keep thinkikg ahout how everyone says junior year sucks. ofc theres exceptions but goodness i did not realize how good i had it sophomore year? i had friends in beery class? they were all easy except ap sem and i was able to see ajax so much??? im trying to hard to figure sometbijg out and get my shit changed and at the very least. give me classes that i know people in. can i live not having lunch w ajax? sure. i skipped all the time ebfore but fuck. god god god i cant im going to crash OUT. why do i not know anyone and why do i hage no classes worh savannah??? why am i in ap lang and why am i in ap drawing??? why am i taking so many ap classes KNOWING IM TAKING ALGEBRA im actually goingt o kill myself its the first day and goodness i never have bad first days. never ever ever but holy shit. i can feel some sort of imminent doom and i iust feel awful in general i feel so sick. im crashing out its so bad i cpuldnt even be like silly with ajax i just feel like im goojg to get home and start sobbing and idk why. its okay though. itll work out. if its meant to be then itll be and im just being difficult or somethijg. im fine .

[prommytheus]

literally i cant do basic algebra im not even exaggerating when i say ive never been able to do even motherfucking pemdas and yet here i am trying to understand WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GETTING 2 FROM YOU ASS

[stunfiskz]

.

[pallases]

“i’m giving you this so you can get more points to raise your grade” okay cool but maybe........ instead of continuously throwing assignments at us and grading abt a fifth of them....... you should focus on those instead

[amazingphilza]

study buddies :: cc!multiple x reader

fluff , platonic , gender neutral ! some headcanons if the mcyts were trying to help you do hw :D

cc’s included in order: tommyinnit , tubbo , ranboo , wilbur soot , philza , technoblade

tommyinnit

i feel like he’s the type to be in a long discord call with you whilst you both try to finish your work

mans uses the screensharing feature like there’s no tomorrow

“y/n watch my stream on discord and help me guess the answers”

“tommy no! i haven’t even taken a film class before”

“your guess is good as mine”

“just cheat and google the answers!!!”

“fuck you”

he actually just wants your attention because he’s bored out of his mind doing homework

five minutes later of asking you to help him guess questions he’s like

“hey y/n”

“what now?”

“let’s play bedwars”

“oh my god shut up!!!”

if tommy has to speedrun something before a deadline, it is a whole different story tho; he will be so focused on completing that he won’t hear what you’re saying

if you’re struggling in math, you’re on your own

“math is shit, only numbers i need is my primes and youtube analytics” says tommy any time you complain about math

besides the fact he isn’t good at solving math problems, you can’t even read his handwriting if he did try showing you how to do a problem

“okay, y/n, it’s simple, just look” he says in his kareninnit voice and everything

you’d be like “is the variable a G or a 9??”

“fuck you that’s a 4!!!”

tubbo

i don’t know if tubbo ever talked about school before but something about him makes me think he’s actually pretty good at math

like he can explain a few things when it comes to math / algebra

CODING GO BRRRR

no geometry or calculus though, anything past algebra will go bad

if tubbo is doing homework with you, he will definitely tune you out

“hey tubbo can you help me on this question?”

you don’t get a response until like 20 minutes later

“oh yeah, what was it y/n?”

like now you answer? i just got the answer myself after so long, forget you smh

“oh nothing tubbo, nevermind!”

but you’re still grumbling in your head because if he answered just a bit earlier you wouldn’t have gone through the work of finding the answer online

i can also imagine if you’re taking chemistry tubbo is like ;

“oh you’re taking chemistry? let’s make some bombs!” /lh

tubbo would definitely pull an all-nighter with you to finish your projects together

if you had a group project, he would make you do the writing part while he does the drawing part

“we definitely aced this project”

“of course we did, if i made you draw we would’ve ended up with stick figure diagrams”

“TUBBO. THE FUCK?”

ranboo

okay i know ranboo said he isn’t a theatre or band kid (unless im wrong and forgetful) but i feel like he’d be somewhat educated in the topics nonetheless

half the time he’s great moral support, helping you stay motivated !

the other half is him making fun of you

“i cant believe you’re failing, that is so sad, can’t be me”

“it’s literally an honors class, ranboo! it’s supposed to be hard!!”

“taking an honors class willingly? also cant be me AHAHA”

i honestly can’t see ranboo going to school like i know he’s a minor and said he had zoom calls before and plays volleyball but like did i miss something? has he dropped out yet? like something about ranboo does not scream “student” /lh

besides that, i’m not sure what subject he would actually be good in,,, but something about nutrition/health sciences,, he knows a few things

don’t get me wrong, i don’t think he actually likes the subject but somehow remembers what he learned from the class

also gives me the type of energy of the type of person to take a first aid class to be a certified person to do cpr on someone just to kill time during his lunch breaks for a while or something

“i am a certified cpr person”

“my life in ranboo’s hands? oh god please no”

you two would probably joke about the ‘bad’ people in your classes or talk shit about your schools than actually doing anything homework related ngl AHAHAH

“you think your school is down bad? mine went back to campus full time after like 6 months into quarantine because they were running out of money”

“what the hell y/n? your school is a scam, drop out”

“arghhhh i knowww”

“i bet i make more money than your teachers combined AHAHAH”

wilbur soot

he doesn’t seem like the best person to ask for help for homework but can info dump you on very specific historical events + a bit of geography

i kinda see him as the person you can ask to proof read an essay for you and would help it improve immensely

who needs a thesaurus when you have vocabulary boy wilbur?

i dunno if it’s an american thing only or at all, but if/when you get to studying hamilton in your english class, he will get so fucking excited

“no wilbur it isn’t fun! imagine listening to lin-manuel miranda rap ‘alexander hamilton’ at the white house from like 2009 on repeat for over an hour whilst trying to write an analysis about it!! it was so distracting”

“well clearly someone has a personal problem with mr lin-manuel. if i were you, i’d be singing the whole thing”

is this last bit personal and complete spite from my freshman year english class? yes. i do not care? no. /hj

unrelated but i actually scribbled nice guy ballad lyrics and other songs on my english scratch papers in freshman year but anyway

probably isn’t the best person to be in a call to do homework with but wilbur doesn’t mind you ringing him occasionally sometimes

i dunno i can just see him easily get bored of the silence or something but also doesn’t want to bother you too much

but he is genuinely proud of you whenever you tell him you aced a big test you were studying for :D

philza

this man’s bad advice is as bad as him trying to help you on any subject

he’s an old man so /hj

but like honestly, he hasn’t been at school for so long, phil can probably only help with the most basic things when it comes to school

if you have a wack teacher that makes you collect data through surveying people, phil would be one of the best people to ask! straightforward and won’t take too much of your time compared to other people ahem,,

statistics things ! sobs

if you ever complain a lot about your classes and contemplating dropping out and stuff, he will def scold you hard

“ugh phillllllllll can i just like,, never go to school again?”

“do not drop out”

“argh fine, i won’t just ‘cause philza minecraft said so”

honestly if you get a high score in a big test like your sats/gcse’s (whatever you’re taking from wherever you are) he’d probably order you a small meal or something to celebrate :D

like how phil bought ranboo bought him food to his house, it would start as a joke but when you get your test scores back he’s like “YOOO GOOD JOB Y/N”

expect a left meat pizza coming to your house .

technoblade

like wilbur, techno is also helpful when it comes to history!

def knows a decent bit of literature too

besides that i don’t really see him being that helpful

even if he was supposed to be an english major

he will just get mad at the school system for teaching you useless things

“being in school is good but why do you need to know how to know if something is a triangle or not? i can obviously see with my eyes that it’s a triangle”

“i dunno! ask the person that made up geometry”

“just look at a kaleidoscope and be over with it, it isn’t that hard”

“that isn’t how it works—”

“bruhhh”

if you’re looking for the person to call while doing homework, he is not the person /lh

it’s either like 0 or 100 with techno

he can just completely not say anything and ignore you or go on a full rant about whatever class or homework you have

if you have an essay you need written, it will take a lot of bribing but he might take the opportunity if you are rich

“techno i’ll paypal you $10 please help me”

“no. i can make 10 times that amount in 5 minutes if i just started streaming right now”

“techno i don’t have that kind of money! pleaseee”

“no. instead of complaining, you can use that time to actually start you work”

“you’re the worst”

then you speedrun the essay and get an A just to spite him

[ahopelessromanticwriter]

i have another mb list

note: adam is the drill director, cole is the music director, jon is the pt instructer, carly is drum major :)

theres lots of swearing, sex jokes and crude humor, read at your on risk.

//

"ref femington" "f remington?"

"do u think mr gessel is here" "mr gaslight??"

"carly ur killing it as drum slayjer"

"onest"

"i come from a drum major growing farm" "did you grow on a tree" "i did"

"i am going to get humoungus shoulder bones"

"why are tou fingering my trumpet"

"do what i say not as i mean" "waot no"

"brain brain brain brain says yes i can okay"

*cries in reed wall*

"i got a dimple bc i got hit by a truck"

"blessinfs of the flying spagetri monster"

"do the rhing"

"nate was like i talked to Micheal after we stopped being friends bc he didnt choose jazz"

"dick and balls"-mason

"it looks like a jail"

"by the double doors-" "dumbledore??"

"where the fuck did my phon-" "WOAH THERE." "on the stage?" "watch ur fuxking mouth"

"grant cant be rushing the trumpets to the field while toris takin a smoke break"

"colby does my music inside my bell look sexy" "hot"

"kachow?" "KACHIGGA"

"was bernie sanders in dci"

"do as i mean not as i say"

"if you summon a demon you must make thrm a sandwich" "im wanna be a demon so people make me sandwiches"

"EAT FOOD OR I WILL SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT ANYWAYS"

*metranome noises*

/uh/ "tqkes me back" "wHAT" "STORYTIME?!"

"in the beginning, there was cole lobdell"

"are we not allowed to have fun" "AbsoLuT lY nOt"

*nods to george laying dead on the ground* "he does that a lot, doesnt he?" *nods*

"mellos stop showing off"

"stab wm like oj" "alledegy"

"are you dancing to the abulance siren-"

"you guys are starting to sound like a decent mb" "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

*look9ng at uneven lines* "those lines are straighter then me"

"was that dupposed to be british sxottish or Australian?" "good question"

"theyre both boring" "exCusE mE dId yOu jUst dIreSpEct oUr nAtIonAl aNtHem"

"we need to slay harder" ".. yes that"

"why do drugs when sprinkles"

"i hope that you achieve your wildest dreams neighbor"

"jon is mean sometimes neighbor" "jon is really a terrible person neighbkr"

"ill venmo you my soul"

*cries in hardware store*

"i want to kiss a woman" /whispering/ "yea"

"you cant be late if adam isnt out here before you are" "that is a correct statement"

"aAron" "what" "shut up" "no i will die on thr british hill"

"oh blimey its adam"

"oh poppycock its the razzers"

"wer we gonna slat the whole way" "mercilessly slaighter"

"slay target queen adam" "target princess"

"forkcus- oo forkus- FOCUS"

"/chucks shoes across the field to show a better demo/"

"you better slay bitches"

"can we talk for a minute abt the strange journey of the word dope-"

"we should build a wall and make jazz 1 pay for it"

"im gonna need an algebraic expression for ur straightness"

"the queen is being reincarnated as trisha payatas kid"

"i am sorry for bringing the vibe down"

"#slaying"

"wait yOU ARENT STRAIGHT?"

"is that gonna be a slack channel-"

"bring the beat in" "ANYTHING FOR YOU BEYONCÉ"

"we are taking the hypetrain to slaytown"

"phillip the metranome boi"

/addy with a sousa/ "colby do you think it fits me?" *aggressively shakes head no*

*aggressively yell counts* "how do you guys FEEL"

"do you like men or do you like women" "yes. /silence/ wAIT-"

"#do not drag #slay #swag"

"im sure its important info but youre hearing THE SOURCE"

"im sorry i neglected you" "remember when cole neglected us? pfft. loser."

"shes giving dead but shell alwats serve; june, probably"

"and without further adue the hmb present the national anthem" "from memory" "from memory" "with skyrim"

/skyrim ambiance/

"that is not a joke it is just straight facts"

"did you feel good abt listening to us ballade"

"im not even white lying" "are you saying youve done that before"

"see if we shame them enough shame becomes fear"

"cheese grater 2.0!"

"mom alex is being kinky"

"you are only half a woman"

"see so i have a kink for men and /blank/ has a kink for women" "it cancels out"

"see so i dont like children and i dont like sex so no more sex no more sex no more sex"

"i want to get mentally better so men can hit on me so i can get mentallt better"

"i dOnT hAvE thEm dAnG proNounS iM an AmerIcAn"

"i forgor my pronouns"

"ladies lads and non binary chads"

"oh by the way /blank/ im sexist now" "nice"

"hi im sexost" "gello felloe sexist"

"sarah i dont think ive ever heard you say smth as relatable as "im going to eat smth flr my mental health""

"a wood made of reed" /couple seconds/ "wAIT-"

"just march brass and then youll never have that problem" "respectfully no."

"not to be political or anything but honosexual... is kinda gay" "woah"

"activate yoyr slat switch"

"trumpets" /dramatic pause/ dayummmmm"

"colby do you agree that john loves balls"

"if i see another person climb a fence i will be a very sad boi"

"learning the rest of the salad'

"loop doop doopity loop doop"

"well /pause/ if the sparkplug fits"

"colby did you like my trill" "i was not... mentally prepared for it"

"wait no it was a del taco" "fre sha vac a do"

"i am not touchin yalls sweaty ass hands'

"/takes addys hand/ /knees down/ "queen? /gasp/ /sniffle/ i do" /arron plays the beginnings of careless whisper/

/in the middle of a rep/ "FUCK"

"what the absolute fuck is that every time i look over here you two are doing whatever thr goddamn fuck that is what even-"

"so like vocal ideA: snares sing the first verse of i am a gummy bear. like i think its actually a really good idea"

"that was very intimate" "uH *confused straight noises*"

"sarahs just laughing at us"

"like cockwork" "tee hee"

"aldom"

"remy!" "yea?" "you have been promoted to stick boi"

"me when split squat"

"START AT T OKAY ONE TWO SPILL THR TEA"

"tue ghost of george was playing a beat early"

"tenors one of yoy is coming in early" "YEAH GEORGE" /george is not there/

"adam hancock is draco malfoy" "POTTAH-"

"I LOVE FB" "MEN" "I LOVE MEN" "T E S T O S T E R O N E "

/dutdut dah daht/ "sports"

"they locked us out of the school :("

*plays careless whisper really loud and scream sings half of the lyrics over loud band noises*

*spontaneously plays half of 7 nation army with only bass line as an entire band*

"sorry me and cole have like 0 brain cells combined-"

"nobody leaves until weve falcon prided"

"ate my grandma ans call my daddy oat lawd"

"i beg of thee to pls unlock thy band room door"

"guys omg were still winning"

"prep step on god"

"imagine flirting with the drumline" "imagine not flirting with the drum line"

"bloody stumps on the yard line"

"you ever just look at drum line and are like w o a h" "are you calling me sexy" "i mean-" "I MEAN-C

"thanks queen" /over speaker/ "hashtag slay"

"yo team that was hashtag slay"

"are they really homies if you dont kiss rgem goodnight"

"band ten slay"

"if you do that i will be sad boi hours"

"see im supposed to give all my organs to carly but you can have my balls"

"shhhh i like phillips legs"

"where did stick boi go he forgor his stic"

"not only will i go against your wishes i will go thr complete opposite direction"

"talk less!" "...smile more" "dont let them know ehat your against or what your for?" "you cant be serious" "you wanna get ahead?" "yea" "fools who run their mouthes off wind up dead" "STOP QUOTING HAMILTON"

"if you dont stop i will slay you with a spear"

"I A M F I R S T" /but said like i am spartus/

"jesus christ-" "you called?"

"i have a social life during marching band"

/gasp/ "adam!" /gasp/ "aADAM"

"mw when fruity"

"bro im goung on the second bus"

"WAIT IS YOUR VOCAL BAD ROMANCE WAIT"

"adams head just swung open and out popped out colby thr drum major so no he did not grow on a tree"

"oh dear the contible you must find yourself a place to hide"

"you blew my wig off"

"i need a will to live" "same i think theyre 23 cents at 7/11"

"ngl i didnt see that correctly and i thought colby and jon were holsing hands"

"its like a bunch of bb birds" ..kinda gross lowkey"

"you can decline but idk why you would liek honestly get ur life together"

"hey bandits c:"

"its a conga line" "but like an intimate conga line"

"jack you look- .. i was gonn say hot but im nkt sure if thatd allowed"

*sad band hours*

"yo that was cRISPY"

"a little curvy is okay" "a little,,, fruity,,, if you will "

"guys their show is twitter" "that is an interesting show name"

"YO THEY MADE A TRIANGLE I LOVE TRIANGLES" "personally i like potatoes"

"i think we should have a band get to tegther where tougrt kicked out if you dont make xomments on everything"

"guys at the end of the show you should light me on fire" "like in a cute way"

"I REQUIRE MEN"

"cole do you feel at home in the choas kf marching band" "yea 😌"

"you ever just throw a colby in ur carly"

"ill be the colby to your carly"

"drunk driving best driving'

"work harder, not smarter"

"sax section vocab section"

"sax section smoking section" "sax section SOBER SECTION"

"gay eighth notes"

"sax section consenual sex section"

"mr lobdell do you want to babysit adams kids"

"cwrly whar are you doung to natilias hands" "shes gently caressing them"

"have them make it into a jif and send it to you" "its gif" "i will fight you"

"I am first" "i will slay you with a spear"

"thr whole band is in a polygamous relationship"

"-my man tights-"

"we should go back to confederacy and the whole bus goes WOAHHHGG-"

/walks up/ "perry the platypus is a slut" /walks away/

/during a band performance/ /several peopl/ "CIRCLE DRILL???"

"bro look at those sexy feet theyre so in time"

"yo why is the sun on dark mode"

"i got shaken baby sydrom for real"

"i strongly suggest that all of you go sit in thr bus snd take a nap"

"that was a certified my bad"

"sup baby gender"

"top of the toe"

"when i grow up i wanna have a kid and name him georg" "name him what"

"bro you just got tondID"

"badasslesauce"

"heres an idea: bring edibles" "W O A H T H E E R E "

"cosmic brownies are crack cocoaine"

"anything for the good of the order?" "slay" "actually slaying is against the law"

"when she puts the 7th over the 5th uts just really heartwrenching, it is"

"two dollars for any coffee at mcdonalds were gonna get liIiiIiiTtt"

"girl is he rich thats the real question men objectify us so we should o jectify them"

"slay bitch"

"miss slayness-"

"bro i slayed in 78 better then anyone slayed in 84"

"flip phone is the new asians"

"we should kiss" /silence/ "no response?"

"she made fun of dom- which is respectable but-"

"i think i would understand you better if you were speaking spanish" "you would understand me if i was a lesbian"

"stab it like ceaser" "allegedly"

"adam can we go fraterinize with the other tubas"

"DO IT AND ILL LEAK THE OLD SPICE"

"sex more like cringe stay virgin boys"

"do you like meaty balls" "OH YEAH"

"SHUT UP GIANNA NO ONE ASKED YOU"

"you look like kurt coban if kurt coban was logan"

"its cold but its like crisp.... newbury"

"i just sucked up all of laurens diseases- do you have aids?"

"yo wheres the candy id like to accept candy from strangers"

"im gonna go home and- make out with my mom"

"SARAH SHUT YOUR BALLS"

"sax section jiggity section"

"noah for person"

"so we like draft people for mb-"

"step one: kindly ask them to stop. step two: curse at them. step three-" "hold on can we go back to step 2 i like step 2-"

"mason how do you like your men" "logan" /blows kiss/

"im cold" "hi cold im logan"

"and you all slay with logan"

"ash stop gently caressing me with a leaf"

"now you have a little leaf hat :D" -tori

"what does period blood taste like like would it taste different"

"saxes!!!!! sexiessss!!"

"sax section make out section"

"sax section sex saxtion"

"STICK BOI WHERE ARE OUR STICKS"

"i got out cuz i wanted to kiss grant"

"we should go get milk ans then we should go to lexs house and make out"

"im sorry i spaced out and heard sneaking out and doung drugs"

"no mom i swear im not sneaking out and doing drugs im going to a jazz festival"

"if that does not work, Joshua quintana's feet would be a suitable replacement"

"sax section toris section"

"max" "doo do do doo do doooo" "jUsT sAY hERe"

"what was discontinued?" "ur mom" "OOOOHHHHHHH"

"when you tell someone ur having a baby ur badically telling them IM HAVINF SWX EVERY DAY" "im sorry what"

"what are yoy high on" "ur mom" "you look like someone whod be high on their mom"

"sax section sleepover section"

"sax section geocash section"

"idk maybe i have foodborne illness disease on my hands" "that sentence made 0 sense"

"color gaurd obama be like lemme be gear"

"attendence obama: let ne be here'

"gay obama: let me be queer"

"DATE MICHELLE OBAMA"

"ur literally just making out with her leg"

"sax section cuddle section"

"bAcK in My dAy we dIdNit nOne oF thEm daGnAb PrnoUns"

"up two boogaloo-"

"ill give you both 5 bucks if you kiss rn"

"we might not be thr bret band vut we will always be the most radioactive band"

"yknow with all the singing you guys do during marching band youd think youd be better at it-"

"love at first kiss"

"mr lobdell really said i support the gays"

"have you seen logan shirtless hes a mermaid"

"what is up my original gangster"

"jesus was homosexual"

"the hdmi is powered by love"

"check that you are connected to the correct wifi w t f mates"

"hes a google fanboi"

"POW right in the kisser"

[khaleesiofalicante]

HI, IT'S ME! YOUR LOCAL CHAOTIC WEIRDO!!!!! I'M BACK AGAIN LIKE I AM TWICE EVERY WEEK

IT'S MY BOY DAVID THIS TIME! WHY AM I SO HYPER! MAYBE BECAUSE THEY KISSED! AND I HAD TO SUPPRESS MY SCREAMS BCAUSE IM IN CLASS AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY IS OUTSIDE MY DOOR (NOT LITERALLY OFC)

OK OK OK OK OK OK

MAX AND DAVID ARE AT THE LONDON INSTITUTE YESYESYESYES

He rather liked that part in a story – when the hero fell, and everything seemed bleak. It always meant that hope was just around the corner. Because darkness never lasted. It was always followed by light. There was nothing more beautiful than that kind of sunrise.

THIS

I literally live my life by this analogy

AHHH DAVID IS ON HIS TRAVEL YEAR AND MAX IS WITH HIM

SCREAM

well i can't scream because my mom is sitting right there and I have class in 4 minutes so imma smile really wide

“Are you planning to read the entire library during your travel year?” Max chuckled.

“Of course not,” David replied. “I will need longer than a year to accomplish that goal.”

Me.

Wait

does max not being able to make portals have something to do with his lineage?

like

demon parent

ok so my programming class started 2 minutes early but screw programming I'm gonna be studying minds not this shit

ok that's a very bad attitude for someone who needs good grades in this year

Max was always hungry.

this is so me

KIT

KIT

KIT

KIT

KIT

KIT

TY

THEY MENTIONED TY

also if David doesn't become an institute head in the future THEN WHAT'S THE POINT

“Where is the kitchen?” Max interrupted.

max is such a mood

He had told Max that he had centuries to perfect his magic, that there was no need to rush it. Max had given him a noncommittal nod and nothing more.

HE'S GONNA MAKE THE BEST PORTALS YOU'LL SEE

“I won’t tell the Consul,” Kit winked.

At the mention of the Consul, David straightened up. He had been trying to get into Alec Lightwood’s good graces for years now. He didn’t think sharing a room with his son would do him any favors.

DAVID UDUCDFUHKDUHVUHSDH

PLEASE IF WE DON'T GET A CUTE ALEC AND DAVID SCENE SOON

KIT CALLED TESSA MOM

oh my god

Word was that Mr. Herondale had gone back to his obsession with brewing tea.

JACE

I have so many emotions right now but all I'm gonna say is that I'm so so proud of Rafael

“Do you not want to sleep with me?” Max asked.

UH-

WELL-

DAVID STOP THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE AND ALL THE SHIT

STOP IT

OH MY GOD THE ONE BED TROPE

MAX IS IN HIS ARMS I'M ABOUT TO-

takes a deep breath don't scream. everyone outside this door thinks you're taking programming class

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE JUST GET TOGETHER ALREADY

AWW JULIAN PAINTED PORTRAITS FOR THE INSTITUTE

The one of Will Herondale and Tessa Gray – A love that had transcended reality and lasted a lifetime.

The one of James Herondale and Cordelia Carstairs – A love that had started with a lie and then blossomed into nothing but happiness and devotion.

The one of Lucie Herondale and Jesse Blackthorn – A love that had been so powerful that it rewrote the past.

The one of Jace Herondale and Clary Fairchild – A love that had walked through hell and shaken up the heavens.

And then there the final one. The one of Kit Herondale and Tiberius Blackthorn – A love that had survived distance and darkness and doom.

This omg...

He wanted a love story. The kind he read in the books. The kind he saw in these portraits.

But he wasn’t a Herondale. He wasn’t sure if he was destined for that kind of love.

HEY

DON'T THINK LIKE THAT

The first part though

same

He might have been a little too excited. It was biologically impossible to control yourself when you find a stranger reading your favorite book in the whole world.

SO TRUE

“I see you already made a new friend,” Max said.

He sounded a little…odd. As if he was not pleased that David had made a new friend.

honey...

take a guess

can I jump in and bash their heads together?

“You are thinking of conjuring chocolate syrup, aren’t you?” David chuckled.

“How do you always know what’s on my mind?” Max chuckled back.

Because I know you, David wanted to say. I just wish I knew what’s in your heart too.

OH MY GOD I CANT WITH THIS

“You get chocolate syrup! You get chocolate syrup! You get chocolate syrup!” Max was yelling, standing on the chair.

They residents laughed harder, and David shook his head fondly. He hoped one day Max would pursue a career in theatre. He was a born showman.

can I have chocolate syrup?

also, the way David is just so fond of him like DYUSDGYJCDYUJM

“By the angel, do you have to be a drama queen about everything?” the boy next to them muttered – not so quietly.

David blinked. That was uncalled for.

But Max being Max was completely unfazed. “Of course I do. My Bapa would be personally offended otherwise.”

exactly you rude little shit

Max often pretended like people’s words didn’t hurt him - just as he pretend that fire doesn’t burn or wounds don’t bleed.

wow ok stop calling me out

Is max jealous??????

is he??????

how are people so good at languages like damn

TY

TY

TY

TY

“Oh my god,” Max groaned. “Is he already telling people to check on me?”

LMAO

using mundane medicine...

that's risky

but it's also something that WILL help

can't warlocks tamper with the blood samples?

A part of him wondered if that’s why he had agreed to send Max away to London – at least for a week. Because sometimes you didn’t want other people to see you were hurting.

alec I really goddamn hope you're dealing with this well

some of whom had even decided to die than get help from a warlock.

alright then gets my knives but you chose this :D

Nobody brought a book down for breakfast if they didn't like to read.

yes but sometimes also to seem busy so people won't bother you or you won't look alone.

“I know,” the boy said as he walked past them to the gate. “I sat on the stairs and thought about life for a few good minutes.”

his family is the one who took over David's previous institute (i can't spell that. marse- marselli- wat??) methinks.

The gang always visited whenever all of them were in the city together. They would have so much fun! Of course, the 'fun' mostly entailed Rafael stopping Georgia from drinking random potions she found in the stalls, Selena stopping Lexi from opening a psychic booth to help people talk to Raziel and of course David stopping Max from running to the gambling booths.

LMAO, I CANT WITH THIS-

Rafe: I am anxiety.

me at any given moment

EW TESTICLES HE'S EATING THOSE-

ok maybe I'm the only person who's really picky when it comes to food and doesn't eat the majority of things

“Anything on Magnus Bane?” Max asked.

“No,” the woman snapped and shoved some of the letters into a bag and hide it under the table. “Leave Magnus Bane alone!”

“Appreciate your loyalty,” Max winked at her and started examining a diary.

I like her.

"Everyone should be participating in this" -my programming teacher

me, an intellectual: participating in what?? goes to the class web THE FUCK IS THAT

“Something for the shadowhunter?” the woman smiled. “Perhaps an unpublished snippet from the Beautiful Cordelia?”

“Do you have any love letters?” David asked.

“Hmmm,” the woman went through the pages. “I do have a correspondence between an Iblis demon and Christopher Lightwood? Would you be interested in that?”

if u don't mind I would love to see both of those-

you know I just remembered I have a computer assignment I need to submit by the end of this week fml

“Never fall in love with an immortal,” she giggled again. “We don’t like staying in one place.”

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

MAX WHERE ARE YOU

why are we using x and 3 in programming class what the heck is going on

“I’m not just some warlock,” Max said, his voice low. “I’m Magnus Bane’s son.”

GIVE HIM THAT NECKLACE BACK

we usually have programming once a week on our physical school days and those are fun because my and my friend are continuously passing notes and talking to each other through writing

The scene where Max fought off all the evil people who tried to steal his valuable belonging. He would fight without breaking a sweat and throw magic fireballs at everyone and then get his necklace back. And then he would kiss David in front of everyone and it would somehow rain all of a sudden.

But life wasn’t a movie or a book. Life was just life.

life's boring

fuck life

I just heard a student ask "why are we not taking out the values of b and c" BESTIE I THOUGHT WE WERE DOING PROGRAMMING AND NOT ALGEBRA?????

“I know there wasn’t anyone to protect you before,” Magnus Bane had said. “But we are here now. We will protect you. This will protect you.”

He hadn’t wanted it back then. He didn't even want it even now.

He didn’t want something to protect him. Most importantly, he didn’t want to cover his scar. He didn’t want to hide it. He wasn’t ashamed of it. It wasn’t a mark of a victim. It was the mark of a survivor.

So, David had smiled and given the bracelet back.

“I never wanted to be protected,” David had replied. “I only ever wanted to be loved.”

The warlock had smiled at that and given David a hug. It had felt different than other hugs he had experienced since he had come to New York.

It wasn’t just the magic. Magnus Bane carried so much love inside himself you could literally feel it through him.

I'm gonna cry during my programming class (where we're doing variables apparently all of a sudden??)

this is so beautiful

“I wasn’t talking about Bapa,” Max said now. “I was talking about the other one.”

David chuckled at that. “Oh, yeah. He is definitely going to kill you.”

what flowers would you like at your funeral?

so Jackson has family troubles

I've definitely got that

yeah I know what it's like to be jealous of someone else's perfect family

JACKSON WTF

Is he trying to ruin max's relationship with his family???

oh hell no

JACKSON THE AUDACITY

“One stolen necklace, One broken nose and One bruised cheek,” he said. “And you’ve been in London for less than a day.”

kit seriously? but is he wrong though?

“This is what I get for falling for a Lightwood-Bane,” David sighed and walked through the portal.

WELL AT LEAST HE'S SELF AWARE

Jackson...

in some ways, I can empathize with him. my younger self anyway. but Jackson this is not how you do things

There was a moment of silence and then Magnus Bane giggled.

“I do love it when the quiet ones go feral,” the warlock grinned.

MAGNUS

NOT.THE.TIME

(me too)

“David!” Mr Herondale gasped. “Is your hand okay?”

yup that's Jace y'all

David hated violence. He hated fighting – which he was often not allowed to say out loud considering he was a shadowhunter.

But it was the truth. He hated hurting people – or even things. It made him feel sick.

“It’s alright, Chouchou,” Mr Herondale ran a hand through David’s hair. “Next time, just-”

“Use my words?” David asked.

“Just don’t get caught,” the man winked.

and that is why I would never want to be a shadowhunter.

I know saying that doesn't do anything but when I first read tsc I wanted to be a shadowhunter really badly and damn that was some time ago but now...violence of any kind is my biggest trigger idek why. and I hate that so much because what kind of a person gets triggered by loud voices and fighting EVEN ON SCREEN??? I usually just push myself to watch stuff because it's dumb. I refuse to see trigger warnings before reading a book or watching a show because damn it, I should be able to stand those things I'm, not a child. and it may be doing me more harm than good but I shouldn't feel like this in the first place

okay...that was long

ANYWAY

“David, I appreciate you standing up for Max,” the Consul said. “But next time, please try not to punch anyone in the face.”

“Yes, sir,” David nodded. “Because it’s wrong.”

“Because it means more paperwork for me,” the Consul groaned and then straightened up. “But yes. Absolutely. Very wrong. No punching people!”

LMAO ALEC

Jackson...

oh

oh

oh

I was wrong then

He was grinning. Magnus Bane must have raised hell in the shadow market.

that must have been fun

Max was doing that thing where he was not trying to pout but he was mostly definitely pouting. It made David want to kiss him. But then the Consul spoke, and David reminded himself he didn’t want to be the third person to get punched in the face this evening.

well-

“I understand that Jackson has been through a lot. But that’s not an excuse for him to hurt those around him. I learned that lesson the hard way. So, you shouldn’t excuse his behaviour.”

someone's trauma and pain is never an excuse to hurt others

but that doesn't mean we should invalidate their trauma either

“You can stay back and try to help him. I won’t stop you,” the man got up now. “But if he tries to hurt you-”

“You will unleash hell?” David chuckled.

“Worse,” the other man grinned. “I will unleash Lexi.”

that is much much worse

Books brought him comfort in so many ways. Just holding one in his hands automatically made him feel better.

oh my god

he gets it

I always have a book with me when I'm out even if I'm not gonna get the time to read it because just the weight and comfort of it in my hands or in my backpack brings me so much comfort and helps with my social anxiety so much

no one understands when I try to tell them that

you get it...

someone gets it finally

AYYY IRENE

“David, it’s very sweet that you want to protect Jackson,” Kit pointed out. “But literally no one is buying that. Not even Irene.”

The lynx purred on his lap as if she agreed with Kit.

“I could break into a liquor cabinet,” David said a little indignantly.

David is the nicest you can get

David wouldn’t. Apparently, everyone already seemed to know that - even the lynx he had met five minutes ago.

we are solving something in class and it's really quiet because we're all doing our work (I'm reading the fic so-) and this one person had their mic open and they kept on whispering their steps and it was so weird I cant-

BUT YES DAVID IS A CINNAMON ROLL. EVEN THE LYNX KNOWS

“We were talking about shitty fathers,” Jackson pointed out. “You’re welcome to stay.”

“I’m gonna need something stronger than red wine for this conversation,” Kit chuckled.

I remember that bitch

David used to do it when he was a child. He used to pretend his life was a story. He used to pretend everything that happened to him was happening to some other boy – a boy who wasn’t real. A boy who lived inside a book. Because it hurt a little less when you pretend like it wasn’t happening to you.

But the pain was still very real.

OK YOU CAN STOP CALLING ME OUT NOW

“I fucking hate ogres,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Was your father an ogre too?” Jackson asked.

“He was more like a harpy,” Kit snorted. “He was always flying and fleeing. I didn’t know how deep his talons were in my head until it was too late.”

you really like traumatizing all your characters, don't you?

I really fucking hope the ogre got what he deserved

and if the angel is dead then fuck everyone

“I mean, there was that time when Sebastian Morgenstern turned my father into the endarkened, and then he went around killing people. So, I would say he was more like a zombie,” the man was explaining now. “The zombie father tried to kill me but my brother killed him first.”

“Good lord!” Jackson said in shock.

Kit chuckled softly. “Boy do shadowhunters need therapy.”

they really do

He knew about those from New York. He knew Mr Herondale and Miss Fairchild went for one together.

YES GET THEM THERAPY

“Yikes,” Kit chuckled. “I’d prefer something classier. How about London Boys?”

“None of us are from London though,” Tiberius pointed out.

“The Beatles are not actually beetles, Ty,” Kit chuckled. “It’s just for pizazz.”

damn guys

Then the idea of a band turned into a possible YouTube channel where they would react to cute animal videos.

YS DO IT

“When people do awful things, really awful things, at one point we stop being surprised. Like what Valentine did to his children or what our fathers did to us or what those women did to Rafael. We might have been shocked or disgusted. But it wasn’t unrealistic, was it?”

“I guess not,” the boy said.

“Even when they did the most unimaginable acts of cruelty, it somehow managed to fit into our imagination. We accepted that the world can be unrealistically cruel. The kind of cruelty we will never understand. But why isn’t it the same for kindness? Why is that when someone is too kind, we automatically feel uncomfortable? We judge their intensions or think they are just pretending to be nice. We think they are being unrealistic. Why is that?”

we get so used to cruelty that kindness feels weird

“But that’s how our life works, doesn’t it? It’s a giant ball of what ifs and could have beens and if nots. What if my father had loved me instead of hurt me? Could I have been kinder if I was hugged instead of being abused? Would have I been a different person if not for my trauma? Our lives are an endless collection of theories about our real selves. The one didn’t we never had the chance to become.”

THIS

I used to spend a bunch of time on the what-ifs but those are useless. so screw the what-ifs and live in the present

“I guess we’ll never know, Jackson. None of us will never know how we would have turned out if things had been different for us. We never got the chance to be who were meant to be. Instead, we became who we had to become to survive what we went through. We will never know our true selves. We only know the version of us that made it through all the trauma.”

“Christ, that’s depressing,” Jackson said.

“It is,” David nodded. “But we made it through. We survived. I think we should focus on that.”

you survived. that's what matters

“There is nothing wrong with wanting to be rescued,” David smiled.

I wish I had heard this before...

maybe I don't always have to be strong. maybe it's ok sometimes just want to be saved.

I'm so happy that both Jackson and David found each other

David had learned Gaelic. Jackson had learned how to play the piano.

They had laughed and lived and loved and learned.

And they had survived – one day at a time. The London Boys.

they survived.

I know I'm always key smashing and screaming but these words, these lines, all these chapters mean so so much to me.

“You’ll write to me, won’t you?” David asked, hugging Jackson closely.

“No,” Jackson replied. “I will FaceTime you like a normal person, you weirdo!”

David laughed at that. “I prefer letters. They are more emotional.”

“I’ll text you,” Jackson countered. “With emojis.”

oh to have someone write me letters.

I love writing letters

once at the end of a school year, I wrote little letters to everyone in my class anonymously. even the people who had been mean to me. that was like 1-2 years after my transfer to that school and everyone practically hated me but I wanted to do something nice because who knows what someone is going through. I ended up not putting them in people's desks...

I threw them all away :)

but writing letters is superior

I often write my feelings down and give the letter to someone rather than talk to someone

if you receive a letter from me or a custom-made gift...you have reached my ultimate friendship

oh my god. THIS IS HOW I SHOULD TALK TO ONE OF MY FRIENDS ABOUT MY FEELINGS

It's kind of been a mess between us and I want to talk to her but I didn't know how to.

this is why i shouldn't send asks-

JACKSON CATCHING UP ON MAX AND DAVID

“You know what it means,” Jackson grinned harder. “Also, if that wanker tries to break your heart, I will break his face.”

“You know he is the Consul’s son?” David giggled.

“I’ve done it once and I will do it again,” Jackson shrugged. “He better treat you right.”

"wanker"

I HAVE A BRITISH ONLINE FRIEND AND THEY CALLED OUR AMERICAN ONLINE FRIEND A WANKER

AND OUR OTHER BRITISH FRIEND JOINED IN

WHILE ALL THE NON-BRITISH PEOPLE WERE LIKE "huh"

Lexi had cut her hair even shorter. Her girlfriend apparently got something called an undercut.

“Just in case someone dared to assume we were straight,” she had winked at him.

how many years has this fake dating been going on...

CENTURION SELENA

fterA the twins went to bed, David stepped out of the institute and went looking for his heart.

"went looking for his heart"

OH FUCK I FORGOT TO JOIN MY CLASS

MAX STOP DEPLETING YOUR SELF GODDAMN

And then somewhere along the way, Max’s heartbeat had become the steadiest thing in David’s life.

Max, with all his chaos and drama and danger, had become the steadiest thing in David’s life.

oh my god that's a parallel from canon

“Tell me why.”

“Ain't nothing but a heart break!!"

Max-

Max could make fireballs that killed demons on the spot. He could summon things from anywhere. He could heal people with his eyes closed. He was one of the youngest warlocks allowed to visit the spiral labyrinth.

Max was a warlock in every sense. A good one. A great one even.

he is so talented...

Only idiots would underestimate Magnus Bane’s power.

EXACTLY

He is probably going to be Consul like next week.”

David chuckled. “Next week?”

next week????

“Yeah, his smoking habits,” Max rolled his eyes.

Rafael wasn’t the smoker in the family. He knew who it was, but David would never open his mouth. It wasn’t his secret to tell.

this keeps on getting better

“It’s my hair!” David laughed.

“And you’re my David!” Max argued. “I say you are not allowed to grow your hair.”

MY DAVID

MY DAVID

MY DAVID

“I don’t want to downworld-splain it to you.”

Max blinked and then laughed. “You don’t want to what?”

“Downworld-splain,” David mumbled. “It’s when shadowhunters explain downworlders how to be downworlders.”

they were SO close to kissing

I'm gonna get in there and lock them in a closet together and tell them to FUCKING GET WITH IT

Remember who you are. Remember where you stand.

remember who you are. remember where you stand...

I know this is supposed to be about portals.

OH MY GOD THEY KISSED

THEY KISSED

IM SO CLOSE TO SCREAMING CLASS AND EVERYONE OUTSIDE THIS ROOM BE DAMNED

OH MY GOD DAVID FELL

reminds me of when alec fell down the stairs-

OH MY GOD I'M GONNA SCREAM

WE'RE GONNA GET MORE MAVID CONTENT SOON I'M SCREAMING INTERNALLY UYDRVFY7VSDU7UYVFSDUYGCADUYIGJCDSHJKGDVCSUGISDVHVF

ok, I have a computer assignment to get to and tests to study for. BUT I LOVED THIS CHAPTER SO SO MUCH!! THEY FINALLY KISSED I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!

Also I know I tend to go off track and you can totally ignore that. i just go crazy. BYEE

This live blog gives me so much life you don't even know. I am go glad you enjoyed the chapter. I love hearing you rant about it. It's refreshing lol.

And I looooooove the lil anecdotes you share in between. Also wtf is a programming class like nobody wants to learn programme what kind of hetero nonsense I-

FINISH YOUR ASSIGNMENTS AND STUDY FOR YOUR TESTS I'LL SEE YOU SOON :)

[7wanderingpaws]

Burn Your Bridges (prologue)

(moodboard: bbyunz)

You were sold the moment your eyes met.

He was sold the moment you bravely approached him and smiled.

A little lie wouldn’t hurt, you thought at that moment. A little lie that grew into much more than just an infatuation, for Captain Bucheon who saw through people like through glass, fell for you and all of your lies. All of them. Even the ones you didn’t know about.

Pairings: Baekhyun x You (as Lee Nari)

AU: policeman AU

Genre: romance, angst

Warnings: age-gap, lying, theft, language, fast-paced

Word count: 820

masterlist

Tags: @junmyeonnoona (If you would like to be un/tagged, please let me know!)

A/N: Finally, prologue time! I cant wait to share this story; writing was lots of fun! Let me know what you think, feedback will always bring something to the writer, so do not hold back please! :) 

-

“And where are you now?” you purred into the telephone as you leaned against the wall of the building. Hearing his voice made you all dizzy and happy and kind of hungry for his presence. “Any duties, Mr Captain?”

You heard Baekhyun's breathy chuckle over the speaker, and it awoke butterflies in your tummy. “We are heading to a nightclub, actually,” he said and you heard some shuffling in the background, keys clinking and his colleagues voice, “we received some complaints so we are going to check the situation.”

You froze, your heart beating for a completely different reason than before. “W-wait, nightclub? Wh-which nightclub?”

“The Made nightclub, I think. Will have to double-check before departing. You know, the most famous one in Bucheon,” he replied unsuspiciously. If he caught up on your pathetic stuttering, he didn't say anything, his voice leveled and professional. “What are you doing, pretty?”

Trying to not get caught by you, you thought as your hand started to shake. “Erhm, I have loads of, uh, homework for uni actually, so I better get going--”

“Wait,” he stopped you out of nowhere, sending another wave of nausea down your body, anxious at what he would say next, “let me hear your voice just a little longer.”

You let out a breath, though your head was swimming with possible options for your escape plan. “Oh, yeah, sure.” You looked up, frantically searching for Yuyeon and her boyfriend for the night, but in the dark of the alley you couldn't see much besides some kissing couples and smokers. Damn it.

“Hey, baby, are you okay?” Baekhyun's voice came back to your awareness.

“Yes! I am! What's up?”

“You sound off,” he stated, “what's bothering you?” More shuffling on his side and you heard a car being unlocked and Baekhyun muttering some orders.

Oh, that was so hot, but you really couldn't focus right now. “Yeah, I have this homework, as I already said, right? So, it is giving me a hard time,” you blabbered, “the equations are not making sense for me and, well, you know how much I hate algebra, right? I think I told you?”

The phone went silent. When Baekhyun didn't reply, you looked at the screen of your phone just to see the call was still connected. “Hello? Baekhyun? Babe, are you there?”

You heard him closing the doors on the car. “Yeah, I was getting in. Well, good luck with your homework and math. I'm sure you will manage to solve it. I will have to go now,” he said, but there was something odd in his voice, almost impersonal. “Call you laters,” he murmured and ended the call.

You stood frozen and confused, staring at the disconnected call, not having time to replay what just happened before you heard rushed steps coming towards you and suddenly a disheveled looking Yuyeon appeared in front of you, grabbing you by your shoulders. “Nari! Help me! This Minjun dude got into a huge fight inside the club and we should get him out of there before the cops come-”

“Yuyeon,” you said loudly, taking a hold of one of her hands on your shoulders as you already moved towards the main street and away from the club. “We need to get the hell out of here.”

“What? Why? Minjun is there, I can't-”

“Baekhyun is coming here with his team!”

“Oh-”

“As a cop,” you emphasized and dragged her along, looking around the street to make sure no police car was in sight, your heart beating loudly in your ears, pushing out all the ruckus happening around the place.

“What the fuck,” she said and caught up with your steps. “Out of all the times, your cop boyfriend has to show up now?” she complained, scrunching up her face. “Seriously!”

You gritted your teeth, trying to supress the dissatisfaction you got at her words. “Listen, he doesn't even know my real age! The one who is frustrated is me.”

You marched towards the road, ready to cross it and just dash for your life. But, unfortunately, Bucheon wasn't as big of a city as you wished that night it would be. It was 1am and there were only taxis speeding up on the streets, which was the reason Baekhyun's police car arrived in no time.

You gasped, quickly stepping away from the road and turning around so your back would face the road, making Yuyeon crash into you.

But you thought it was too late, for as you turned, you swore you caught a glimpse of his searching gaze behind the windshield, your eyes locking for a split second.

“Oh, well, I think we might have been seen by your prince in a shining police car,” muttered sarcastically Yuyeon. “Just tell me,” she sighed again, giving you a gaze as she massaged her temple. “How the hell did you even get him to date you?!”

-

(next chapter: October 1st 🤗)

[denkilightning]

I'd like to hear your 1-C kids headcanons!

aaa okok thank yall! as i said, i based them all off the canon extras so here they are! (with low quality and horribly colored little screencaps!) class 1-c!! name, (gender, prons, ethnicity/race) quirk + additional notes!

1.  kai aomidori 

male, he/him

japanese turkish

mood swing: can manipulate people’s emotions with his sweat (or tears or spit, body fluids in general)

he was based off color turquoise

2. momotarou akaki 

female, she/her

japanese

peachy nutrients: can alter peoples nutrients/body chemicals and shit (idk im not a stem) if she touches them. the longer she touches them the longer the effect lasts

can you guess how shitty i am at quirks

3. kaihei umigame

male, he/him

japanese

sea turtle: the fuck a sea turtle can do

nah seriously its mainly a mutation quirk and idk what sea turtles do i just wanted a fucking sea turtle 

4. akira kawamoto 

nonbinary, he/she/they

japanese

dj: can make any sound with the movement of their body

that is the motherfucker i talked about. they just watched hitoshi declaring war on class 1a and took pictures lmao. theyre a motherfucker who gives big denki/toga vibes and theyre great

5. hogo kabaa 

female, she/her 

japanese -central asian? sth? ‘m not sure-

shield: she can create shield all over her body, can’t do it on others though and without proper training theyre quite small (also very tiring)

definitely a friend of sappho

6. kenkou gouken 

nonbinary, he/they/ze 

wasian 

health check: can see the state of physical health of any person and what caused the unhealthy state if he touches them

remember akira? yeah these two are dating lmao

7. hitoshi shinsou 

male, he/him

japanese jewish

brainwashing

m’ baby <3 hes the reason i question my romantic orientation lmao

8. rio shinbou 

female, she/her 

philipino japanese

death-glare: can sense how dead someone is by looking at them

i have a feeling shes a lesbian

9. suijin shimizu 

male, he/him

wasian

water lily: has the medical abilities of an american white water lily

one of The Boys(tm) that are pretty basic and like forgetable, every class has ‘em

10. attikusu suugaku 

nonbinary, she/they

japanese greek

can solve any already-solved algebra equation (like, ‘already solved’ in the science world, so they cant just go boom solved the unsolvable)

lmao in that little headshot its hitoshi’s ass dagjkahdkj also i got an e(? is that what its called in english, i mean a 2) on my last math test and i almost cried in class

11. koujou seichou 

nonbinary, they/them

japanese 

plant growth: can fasten the growth/regeneration of every biological creature but only in places they touch

just a simple witch whos always short on storm water

12. kasshoku chikara 

nonbinary, he/him

half middle eastern japanese

triple up: can triple up the strength of anything they touch, works on humans too (basically amps the physics force)

his name literally means ‘brown’ and ‘power/strength’ so yea. brown power

13. kirameki  hana 

female, she/her 

wasian

sparkles: what is says on the tin lmao

yes everyone calls her sparkles

14. kuriiro hayato 

male he/him 

japanese latino

falcon eyes: basically hatsumes quirk: has a sight of a falcon

can you guess hes the last one ive done

15. miru majimena 

female, she/her

japanese polynesian (cook island)

faux checker: she can tell when something is true or faux or whether someone’s lying by looking at them. she sees an aureola of a certain color around them

she likes keys. and the auerola is based on my sight with glasses on when its lowkey foggy and shit on my way to school. it looks cool af. also shes half polynesian because miru is a polynesian godess so yeah good luck for me with the research

16. hachi murasakiiro 

nonbinary, they/she/he

japanese

sideways figure eight: can make any emitter quirk effect last longer with a touch

theyre jirous cousin! and the sideways figure eight is a different name for the infinity sign and their given name means eight so theres that. also eight is a lucky number so thats cute

17. mike mori

nonbinary, they/them

japanese

good luck charm: gets vibes whether something will bring good or bad luck, gets the best vibes in nature (forests specifically)

why they get the best vibes in nature? because their family name is forest gimmie a break!

18. ichirou rapisu 

male, he/him

japanese

understanding: understands every language written and spoken, cant speak any of them though

his name has absolutely nothing to do with anything. fuck you horikoshi i spent too much time on name websites and other shit like that to even care at this point

sorry if i sound tired or pissed, its cus I Am

anyway pls ask me about them  or like their dynamics with hitoshi and shit

[oh-katsuki]

currently running on a total of 5 hours of sleep in total in the past 50 hours because finals are completely draining me

anyways im so so so sorry for not being here in a while, ive been studying a lot cause my finals start this week and its the end of the school year and what not

a few hours ago kai was trying to comfort me while i was crying over math equations because i got so mad at a question that i literally couldn't hold in my tears

IM USUALLY SO GOOD AT MATH BUT I LITERALLY CANT FUNCTION AT ALL

yesterday i stayed up binge watching mha so i decided that i needed to study today

i think ive done enough for today so im gonna take tomorrow as another off day

wait hold on im gonna check my finals schedule

what the fuck my finals dont even start until friday

im gonna fucking scream oh my god i literally spent the whole day studying when i didnt have to

im also very sex deprived and kai wont even let me look at his dick because apparently i need to sleep first

am i gonna sleep? yeah 🙄

currently waiting for the melatonin i took to kick in

i cant wait until summer, school's been taking away my opportunities to do anything interesting

a bunch of tiktok kids are on my ass because i said that 14 year old boys shouldn't be saying weird sexual shit and calling random girls mommy

i saw a post that was like "stop playing before i put you in doggy style gripping your hair telling you to shut up and take it"

went on this mfs page and his bio said "14"

bro go do your algebra 1 homework 😕

im getting tired now but ill come back tomorrow

also i hope youre doing okay!

OH ALSO I FORGOT TO SAY IT BUT I SAW THE VIDEO OF YOU DOING THAT DISCORD DANCE AND YOURE SO CUTE WHAT THE HELL

anyways i gtg before i fall asleep and accidentally delete this whole thing

- roadtrip anon <3

awwwwww, im sorry bub, final exams really suck ;( i’m sure you’re gonna do amazing though, esp since you’re working that hard. 

I love how you checked mid message when ur finals were that was kinda cute LMFAO 

also don’t worry bubs! I was actually just wondering today about where you’d gone n what you were up to. 

hopefully you get a good night’s rest so kai (glorious and respectful kai) will give you one single iota of cock. good luck, bae, sleep well <3 

[thisartofeveryday]

For those of you who thought I should make my life story into a book…here is the outline. For the sake of clarity as you are reading, let me explain who the characters are. The kids from my Dads first marriage: Jim1, Patty, Seana. The kids from my Mom’s (Mary Ellen) first marriage: Mary Jane and Jim2. My brother that I am a full sibling to is Charles (chuck).

I think you might know that 95% of our lives are lived from the unconscious mind. From birth to age 7 a childs mind is in Theta wave (hypnosis) and everything that they learn in those years (mainly through observation and repetition) is the program that their minds run for their entire lives. Knowing this – I look back on the first 7 years of my life.

I think we moved 7 times in those 7 years. I am certain it was because of Dads extreme anger management problems and the fact that he is a sociopath, a pedophile and a rapist. Zero stability or chance to make lasting friendships. My dad was sexually abusing me and unpredictably violent. I was terrified of him. I was being terrorized/bullied by my brother, Chuck, who was every bit the sociopath that my dad is. My mom was overwhelmed by the number of children she was responsible for - none of which she actually wanted- and add to that, her husband was sexualizing all of the kids, so really being the last of her kids I was the last of her problems. Being the youngest (and as traumatized as I was), I was quiet and easy to forget about or push to the side. The older kids were the ones in the spotlight and where all the attention went. They were enrolled in activities and they were more the same age, so they were a unit. I was just an observer of them. I felt so left out and forgotten. Always.

I was a mistake and a burden (dads exact words to me on my 11th birthday). Mom made sure I knew that she thought I was mentally retarded- she would joke about it all the time. (I guess she never made peace with her sister being autistic) She also loved humiliating me even when I made it clear she was hurting me. Remember her sausage fingers joke or how many years I got called Boomer? I absolutely hated both of those things, made it clear, and yet she refused to give up the name calling and humiliation. There was very little respect for my personal boundaries. Dad would assault me in the middle of the night and I would wet the bed out of fear- then he would make me sleep in it to teach me a lesson. Mom would do nothing to help me, though she was awake in the middle of the night when I would work up the courage to go into their room to ask for help. She let him treat me like that. Goddamn…I remember the night terrors and being scared to be in my room at night because the scary man was sitting in the rocking chair, in the dark, next to my bed.

I have a memory of being in the garage in our house in South Windsor. I was playing with our basset hound, General…I was crawling around on the floor and the dog mounted me and was dry humping me. Dad got this sick laugh and let it happen. Mom walked in and got mad at him, but did nothing to help me. My personal boundaries were nonexistent. Nobody was protecting me from him. I remember him eating the food off my plate at dinner…or kissing me on the ear or touching me when I would tell him I hated it and to stop. I remember the baths dad would have me take with him and how he taught me to touch and work his dick. I remember the photos he would take of me after the bath. I remember being 7 years old and trying to lay on his bed and be sexy enough for him. I remember kissing mom passionately the way that dad taught me to and mom getting upset and asking me where I learned that. I remember having a baby doll that I drew all over, angrily, with lipstick. I remember being scared because my ass was bleeding and I told mom while her brother and sisters were visiting and she shushed me and scurried me away. I remember him also beating the shit out of me…sometimes for no reason. I remember being deeply attracted to and absolutely terrified of him. I was 7.  These are the only memories I have of my dad. I don’t remember him being there for me, or interested in me as a person, or engaged in anyway. I just remember him being what I now know is a predator.

7 to 13: I remember some stability in Connecticut because we stayed there for three years… but I also remember having moments of being deeply depressed and hiding in the basement of the house writing notes that I hoped someone would find, asking for help to get me out of there. When I look back, those were my first experiences with disassociation from stress and waves of major depression. While I was being assaulted during those years, those years were all about Mary Jane, Seana, and Jim2. These three had each other. These three were a team. I was just an observer to your lives. I had no voice, no opinion, no importance, never truly included and absolutely my feelings went unheard and did not matter. We can say it was the age difference, sure, that’s part of it…but that’s also just an excuse. Things could have been done to validate my importance too.  I had Charles bullying me….I had my Dad assaulting me. I was so alone.

My internal voice wants to shout: Why did nobody see this? Why did nobody help me? Where were my siblings? I guess everyone was doing the best they could…

Literally anyone looking in knowing the truth could have easily assessed that this was a horribly destructive environment for any child to grow up in. I know dad was doing this to all the kids. I wasn’t the only one. It is absolutely stunning to me that through the years of my life I have consistently been blamed by my Mary Ellen (narcissist/borderline personality disorder) and the people who chose to listen to her twisted opinions that there was something wrong WITH ME.  I mean, logically the mental health issues I have faced my entire life are perfectly normal and healthy reactions to a situation that was deeply flawed. But somehow the blame has always fallen on me.

The very first thing I think when I think of my mom is her asking me “Whats wrong with you Melissa”. Ive lost count of how many times she has asked me that very question.

I now know that its just deflection. Queen Narcissist cant take responsibility for her actions so she puts it on the person who she always denied a voice. That’s nice. Very loving and motherly. Doesn’t fix the 40 some odd years of my life that I believed her and wanted to die.

Right around age 9 or 10, we move again. I remember it being a big scandal – I think the truth came about that my dad is a sociopath, a pedophile and a rapist. (By the way, that’s in my DNA. I get to live my life connected to that. I look just like my dad. I think like a Painter. It’s fucking unsettling.)  I remember all the pressure to say nothing about the move and to constantly behave as though we were the perfect family and nothing was wrong. So incredibly demented.

I remember a HUGE fight about Seana and Jim2 staying behind in Connecticut. (by the way: I also remember Jim1 leaving for the Marines and wondering where my brother went and why he never talked to me. At one point he came back to visit and gave me a beautiful geisha doll in a glass box that mom destroyed in a fit of anger at me…she intentionally violently knocked it off the top of my dresser in one of her vindictive off the handle rages…Im sure at 8 years old I totally did something to deserve it, right.)

And, of course I remember the night Seana was killed. (why did the man that killed her not serve jail time? Why are bad people never held accountable?) Dad wasn’t there. Again, Dad wasn’t there. As I recall he was having an affair with some woman in Arizona? Mom was already distraught to be back in Michigan. That night, I remember being awake before the call came in…watching the clock radio in my bed… it had a short in the wire that would spark. I was listening to the Beatles: My guitar gently weeps…. To this day, I hate the Beatles.The phone rang. Mom screamed to you “Mary Jane, OMG, Seana is Dead”. I didn’t understand what happened. I just knew we were packing up like we did so many times before to take yet another long drive across country. It felt to me like another move. I didn’t understand death or that my sister was gone forever. I didn’t get it.  

(an aside: I struggled in school. When I was in Beginning Algebra One for some reason that class would make me check out and I would always soul travel to the night Seana was killed and it felt like it was happening to me. I took that class 4 times including summer school before I passed.)

(later, when I was maybe 13, my dog got hit by a car in the street and now I knew what death was so I freaked out like Mom did when Seana died and I remember Mom shaming me: You cried more over than damn dog than you did at your sisters funeral. Very nice. Very motherly. Very supportive and kind of her.)

At Seanas funeral, I remember not knowing what was expected of me. I was just so focused on getting it right and who I was supposed to kiss (because that sexualized stuff was already so ingrained).

There were so many goddamn rules for behavior, (rich white republican ex-military country club going family that we were) and I remember getting it wrong and being scowled at all the time. Mom was always angry and stressed out. We had to BE someone and over and over again: “Don’t forget the family name” and how important our clan was (hilarious that she kept the Sterling last name because her current husband is too ethnic and this sounds classier to her than her own actual last name)….

Meanwhile, My developing sense of self was being assaulted and neglected/ignored out of me and I felt wrong all the time for every single action I took.

I think we moved back to North Carolina briefly and then to Florida? Whatever the case….

Then we move again. Again. Again. Now we are in Florida. Im 10. My parents are getting divorced. Mom is deeply goddamn depressed. My family is falling apart. I don’t know where my brothers and sister are. Everything is exploding. Im powerless and hostage to all this. I cannot underline the importance of that sense of being hostage to a situation that I was powerless to escape and having my feelings and my personhood completely ignored and erased. It consumed me. I wanted to die. I am, as always, the least of moms concerns.

In Florida I was so incredibly dissociative. I was experiencing C-PTSD. I remember feeling numb all over. Having no ability to react to this little girl that fell off her bike in front of me….I just stared at her…the adults nearby yelled at me for doing nothing. I went further into my head. I was so checked out. People just thought I was quiet or shy or retarded. I was deeply traumatized and needed help.

I remember Mary Jane and I sitting on the bed watching this music video by The Cars. In the video there is a woman who is laughing and crying. I remember asking MJ what she was doing because I do that too and I think she told me she was having a mental break down.  

I remember getting a Walkman and listening to the Police nonstop. That was my only retreat from how much I hurt. WHY DID NOBODY SEE THIS AND HELP ME?

I remember during that time that I was given another baby doll. I remember MJ and mom watching me play with it to see what I would do. I felt scared of them both and the creepy way they were lurking to watch me. I felt ganged up on. I couldn’t trust anyone. I was so alone. I wanted to die.

In Florida, I remember my birthday and dad cocking his fist back like he was going to punch me in the face…he did that sick laugh and told me he wished I was never born and that I was a mistake. (later when I told this to Patty she explained he punched her in the face on her 11th birthday. Im related to all that. That’s in my dna.)

My body was changing. I was getting my period. I felt crazy. I was in that HUGE school in Jacksonville and I had no friends and I was so scared. Everything was terrifying….and Dad was getting more unhinged thus Mom has Jim and Lynn move in to protect her and had you come back… and then I remember walking in to the living room in the middle of a sunny afternoon and mom on the pull out sofa, trying to make dad jealous, was fucking the guy who was there to buy the house  that we had just moved in to because we were MOVING AGAIN….

Not to mention, I remember MJ and I quickly taking Dads gun to the beach to bury it so he because he wanted to kill us all.

Im not even 13 yet….. Are you exhausted?

Any one of these things would make a fully functioning stable adult fold like a house of cards. “Whats wrong with you Melissa?”…. It took something like 20 years of therapy but now I have some clues to answer that question. Here are some more clues:

We finally make it to Boone. Mom followed her best friend, Mary Jane. After all that… that incredible pressure cooker of my pre teen childhood we arrive in bumfuck nowhere, North Carolina….and everyone is gone except the sociopath brother. The house is basically empty. Everyone abandoned ship. Where did my brothers and sisters go? I remember coming home after school and there would be nobody home. For my entire life I had come home to my family but now there was no one. I would sit on the couch and watch the clock with growing anxiety and cry until mom came home from work. It was beyond torturous. And then she would be pissed off that I needed her because she just got home from work. At this point Mom is just angry and exhausted all the time. She had to get a job outside the home for the first time in her life which she hated, she was sick of being a mom…she wanted it all to be over so she could have HER life. Charles was getting more and more abusive- physically and mentally and had to be sent away for our protection.

And then she starts dating Don Bailey. I think the sex must have been amazing because the guy was an utter low life. He was living off of her/my child support money… and beating the shit out of her. Their fights were never goddamn ending. I would hide in my room after school and not come out. I was so alone. I had no friends and no escape. Mom was friends with Mary Jane, not with me. Mom wanted nothing to do with me. One day we were driving home and I was so attached to her. I needed my mom so goddamn bad… I was struggling to make friends at yet another new school and the PTSD made me feel so distant from everyone but I had no words for what was wrong with me I just thought I was terrible at making friends (I remember this: pathetically I checked out a book at the library: How to be your own best friend)… She pulled the car over and told me “we cant be friends.” Mom has some glorified memory of us driving around looking for our favorite tree in Autumn… the only thing I remember is that conversation…her rejecting me when I needed her the most… after we moved to the town my sister lived in so she could be close to her.

Again, still no help with the major depression, the CPTSD… just a lot of blame “why cant you be happy Melissa…whats wrong with you?” and I cant be clear enough about this: all her spare time at home was spent on Don, not me. I didn’t have clubs and groups and activities that she as sure to enroll me in. I didn’t have my brothers and sisters there with me. It was just me, after all that, trying to figure it out.

I was a burden to her. She couldn’t wait to get rid of me and be done. I felt it always.

An aside: When she was unsure if she wanted to stay in Boone, I remember her asking Charles if we should stay or go back to Florida…after he chimed in with his answer, I gave my opinion which she angrily scoffed at me and told me it didn’t matter what I thought, Id go where they tell me to go.   My voice didn’t matter, I was a burden to her. I had no value as a person. I was powerless. So there I was in my bedroom that was the walkway between the living room and her room… at the mercy of whatever happened with no privacy or power over my life….. whats new.

Another aside: During that time we had gotten a dog that was a total pain in the ass for her to take care of. She gave it away while I was at school. I came home and the dog was gone and I was tearful thinking it ran away. She gave my dog away without telling me.

Then we moved out to Valley Crusis (9 miles outside of town…so isolated. I was so alone. The isolation was killing me. Where were my siblings. I needed help. I needed someone who was just there for me.) and Dons abusive behavior got even more extreme. I remember him picking me up from a concert that I was at….because he had sent Mom to the hospital with a sprained wrist and a busted lip. He was laughing about it when he told me to get in the car. Another time I remember Don looming in my bedroom door when Mom was at work and it was just us in the house… telling me: “Go ahead and call the police, nobody will believe you anyway.” I remember the woman who lived up the hill from us, with the curly hair…I think her name was Susan… coming down to the house while Mom and Don were gone and telling me If it ever gets too bad, you can always run up here. The neighbors knew I needed help. Where were my brothers and sisters? Where was my Mom? FUCK.

I remember Mom having many off the handle rages at me because I looked like a boy and my hair was crazy and I was so fucked up. I remember one morning after she had raged at me so hard that I was in stunned silence… we were sitting at breakfast at St Sinners and MJ kept looking at me, she knew something was wrong, I was clearly checked out and fucked up. I needed my sister. I had no voice or ability to speak up. I was scared of her husband, Glenn. Nobody helped me. Mom was the star of the brunch party!

I remember getting my first job at 15 and working at St Sinners…. Then, when mom bought the restaurant I stopped getting paid. She cut me off from my paycheck and told me it was my “duty to the family”… but she had Jim2 and his first wife Lynn there working and they were getting paid…and also stealing her money to fuel their coke habits. She didn’t value me, or my efforts but her golden son Jim can do no wrong even when he is fucking her out of her business.

I remember Jim2 offering me coke at a house party and John Golden and another friend getting me out of there away from my own brother. I remember Lynn being LIVID that I would stop by their house when I was lonely and wanted my family but instead I got shamed for thinking I could stop by and see them…and mom would tell me that “they had BUSY LIVES and I should leave them alone.”

I remember being so fucked up and alone in Boone….I mean, I now know I was just in shock and experiencing major depression. Mom kept asking me Whats wrong with you Melissa…when I was your age I had to choose between boyfriends… etc. Its incredible to me how Mom normalized my childhood abuse and completely erased my feelings or my personhood then blamed me for somehow being a problem child or wrong in whatever way….more incredible: people believed her.  

During those years in Boone I remember her doing things like openly making fun of me when I thought I might be gay, fixing regular hamburgers and telling me they were tofu when I became vegetarian…starting a burn pile in the back yard full of toxic things after I told her how important recycling was to me and laughing at me as I cried…..every chance she had to make me feel awful about being me and disrespected she took.

Once I visited her at her office and she told me I was “too ugly to look at and she didn’t want anyone to know I was her daughter and to never come to her office again.”

Shes right, we were not friends. She was a jealous mean girl, obsessed with appearances and her shitty boyfriend.

Lets not forget when she, with Mary Janes help, stacked my portfolio with MJs lithographies and coached me how to lie to get me in to Governors school for the summer. She wanted me gone and she got her wish. I remember feeling like a fraud that summer. I wasn’t good enough to be there. I had to lie to be included. I remember she didn’t even drive me there. She had Don do it. He harassed me in the car all the way there, 3 hours…. then dropped me…16… off on the curb in front of the college and drove away. All the other kids had parents excitedly helping them get set up in their rooms…excited about their major accomplishment of getting in to Governors school… I was there with my milk crate of shit, a fraud. alone. Acting like a tough girl who didn’t need anyone. I was a pro at that. Mission accomplished, she was rid of me.

I remember how deep my depression was becoming by the time I was 18. That last year of high school I would bang my head against my bedroom wall in an attempt to knock myself out, in hopes that I would get sent away to a treatment center or something. I couldn’t take all the fighting between her and Don. I fucking hated him and he was in my house and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to throw myself down the back stairwell at school. I barely graduated high school my depression was eating me alive.

Amazing that nobody IN MY FAMILY SAW THAT I NEEDED HELP. I was invisible. Mary Ellen cast her proclamation that all was well, she was amazing and I was a problem child and that was that.

I have a million stories about Mom demoralizing me during those years…. Whats weird is that I have no memory of my Mary Jane there. I think she was so involved with Glenn and way up the mountain, I had no way to reach her. And I was scared of her husband Glenn. And, we were never close. And, she was Team Mary Ellen…. So I was just alone and wanted to die. Sincerely. Goddamn. Let it end.

I remember Don telling me that Mom was using my child support payment to make her car payment. So I asked her about where my child support was going and she told me she used it for my Blue Cross Blue Shield Insurance…. So I called the insurance company to see if I had coverage…. They had no record of me. She was, again, a liar….

When I graduated high school she couldn’t get me out of the house fast enough. She pawned me off on my boyfriend Gebeaux and expected him to simply take care of me. We broke up. He didn’t sign up for that. I was basically kicked out of the house in valley crusis. I wasn’t prepared for life on my own. I wasn’t ready. She just wanted to be done being a mom so Hey..I came back to the house one day and all my stuff was packed and that was that. I had to figure it out. Fuck me.  

At one point during that time I was living in a trailer with my friend Stacy. Mom was horrified about this. I was getting food stamps and she was so ashamed of me for being so low class. She came to the trailer and was completely off the handle. She said there was “no air” in there and grabbed a 2x4 and smashed out all the windows. Mind you from her perspective it was just another example of what a loser I am, living in a trailer on food stamps how did I end up such a piece of shit when she is such a wonderful mother… it must be because there is something inherently wrong about me.

She has seen me as trash who is incapable of being anything great my entire life.

Somewhere in there she stopped dating Don and started dating lawyer Rand Sterling…who broke her ribs multiple times and literally pushed her out of a moving car and then she walked 5 miles back to his house to be with him.  That relationship took her to Texas. She followed the money. The insanity of that relationship is all I heard about from her. She needed Jim2 to come protect her from her husband multiple times. I absorbed all of this through her very rare but insane emails to me. She has always used me as her emotional manipulation dumping ground.

I had my first total mental break right around 19 years old. I was fetal position on the floor at my girlfriends house… Jenn… I couldn’t stop crying for multiple days and I felt my mind split in two. I literally went into a black hole and was begging for death. Jenn and the next door neighbor scooped me up off the floor and drove me to the Watauga County Mental Health and got me some help… but at this point I was having a total mental collapse… the part of me that was traumatized was a child denied her voice or any recognition of her Self, so I had no way to articulate what was wrong and Mom had denied and normalized the abuse and denied me voice and my personhood for so long that I had ZERO chance of articulating what was wrong… it was buried so deep inside of me and I was so scared to trust anyone…. I was experiencing schizophrenia and Major depression.

Jenn helped me with my depression. Jenn made sure I was housed and fed. Jenn took care of me. I owe her my life.

I mean, that is an extreme mental health episode. Where was my family? How could none of the people who were supposed to love me the most see any of this? Why did none of them help me? Why did all of them think I was to blame? (my guess: Team Mary Ellen)  

Somewhere in that year my friends were moving to Chapel Hill so I packed up the car that my child support paid for and I went down the mountain. She threatened to call the police on me for stealing the car.  She told me I needed discipline and needed to go into the Army. She just didn’t know what to do with me…such a problem child. If I remember correctly, you echoed her sentiments. Everyone was always so angry at me for being so wrong and so bad. None of my family (meaning MJ and mom because my brothers had long bailed on me and my extended family has never made a single attempt to reach out to me or know me at all.)  were my friend, or loving, kind or compassionate.

I got away….I went to Chapel Hill and lived with my best friends Kerry, Lesley, Julie, and two other guys in Kerry’s Moms rental house. I was working at the Columbia Street Bakery and dating this boy, Richard…. Who happened to be a really abusive drug dealer… who held me down one night and violently orally raped me and when I called mom for help she told me with the exasperation of a mother who had supposedly tried so hard to do the right thing and raise her child with love and support but that child was just tragic and terminally fucked :

“I don’t know whats wrong with you Melissa, I guess you just like the bad boys.”  

Again, no self reflection on her behalf…she did nothing to help me.

I didn’t know how to get away from Richard who was playing mind fuck with me and I was getting high with him (LSD) …which was basically, me being drugged and him using me for sex but not being loving or kind in any way (felt like home)  Eventually, Richard got busted for selling a page of lsd to an undercover cop and threatened to kill me because he thought it was my fault… so I had to get out of there and I went to New York to chill out and work for the summer at the Omega Institute of Holistic Learning… to just be around hippies and eat good food. I hung out with Baba Ram Dass and Ben & Jerry…and took a class on the whirling dervish… These moments when I wasn’t in the pressure cooker of my life were both brilliant because I needed healing but also the worst because all this trauma would start to surface and I didn’t know what it was or how to speak about it. I would start to shatter again.

I believed it was my fault and there was something inherently wrong with me.

I was so lost. I needed help. I needed a parent or loving compassionate family or someone trusted to guide me through that time in my life. I had no one but my friends from North Carolina who were just as fucked up as me. I needed help. I needed help. Oh my god, I needed help.

Omega ended…I had no money to get out of there, nobody to turn to for help, no clue what to do next, I certainly couldn’t go back to Mom who hated me and was living with Rand so fuck that… I had no idea where my brothers and sisters were and no relationship with them so that wasn’t on my mind as an option…..so I caught whatever ride I could get and ended up in Boulder. One of my friends from Omega hooked me up with her cousin for a month and I tried to make it work… it was basically winter in Colorado at this point and I was out there door canvassing for Green Peace making no money and freezing to death. Just walking door to door for Greenpeace… looking in on other families and their loving lives together. I was so fucking sad. I was hungry and scared and completely out of options. I had to get out of there.

I called Mom for help. She said: “You got yourself into this, get yourself out”…. And hung up on me. The bitch hung up on me. I was stranded and so scared and I needed my mom. She hung up on me. She blamed me. She wanted to punish me for being such a problem. She was done being a mom. She hung up.

I remember having gone to the Planned Parenthood to get some medical help because I was sick. I explained my situation and the nurse looked at me incredulously and said “where are you parents?” I explained to her that Mom hung up on me.  I was devastated, living in a constant state of shock. Scared out of my sense of self or ability to connect to the present moment.

I was a fractured soul in every possible meaning.

My month at my friends place was over and I had to find an apartment or live on the streets. It took me another month of begging whatever guy I could find to give me a place to stay and then I contacted the boy I was dating at Omega, Scott, and asked him for money to get a bus back to North Carolina. He helped me. Bless him. He got me out of there.

I got on the Greyhound and ended up going to Idaho to visit with my friend Stacy (who I lived in the trailer with) and stay with her for a couple weeks to get grounded and feel safe with a friend for a minute. My mental break was coming back full force. I was inconsolable.  I remember laying on her bed fully having an out of body experience from the stress and being so disoriented. She is so patient and kind. She took care of me. When my time with Stacy was up, the next layer of insanity: I got on the Greyhound and took a 5 day no sleep, no food journey across country. I got chased down, carrying all my bags of things and looking like a little hippie… on a layover, by a group of drunk men in Wyoming…they almost got me but I found a laundromat that was open and full of people so I ran inside and hid until my bus was leaving again. I was terrified. By the time I made it back to Lesley and Kerrys house in Chapel Hill it was New Year night…I got some hours back at the Columbia Street bakery I was working at and got some money rolling in.

I want to mention that Poverty, which I have lived most my life in, is no joke and more damaging than anyone outside of the experience can understand. It is cyclical, like bi polar…. Living paycheck to paycheck or however you get just enough to maybe hold on for a moment longer but never knowing if more will be coming is a terror. Always feeling like the bottom is going to drop out…and never knowing when youre going to eat…and what that does to your hormones and your mental health…. Poverty is proven to damage people on a cellular level and have lasting effects that lead to chronic illness.

After making it back to NC, few weeks later the boy from Omega came to Chapel Hill and told me he wanted to marry me and wanted me to move to Boston with him. So we took a little road trip and eventually ended up in Boston. As a surprise to no one sane, that was not a lasting relationship. So after a year of misery in Boston, (more poverty, more loneliness, more no family) Scott drove me back to Chapel Hill and that’s when the girls and I all moved up to Asheville. All the while, checking in with Mom who was yelling and shaming me for being such a fuck up.

I can’t underline enough: I was disassociating the entire time. I was having episodes of schizophrenia. I was experiencing major depression and bi polar disorder. The stress of my entire life was more than I could handle and I had no support and no compassion and nobody validating my experience or me as a person. People just thought that was who I was. I was just fucked in every way possible and believed she was right and all that was normal and I was a terrible piece of shit. She had everyone believing that.  

Mary Jane believed her. She echoed her sentiments to me. Go Team Mary Ellen.

I moved up to Asheville and got somewhat stabilized. I was again living with my friends and I got a decent job at the Laughing Seed Cafe. I met Mark and I had decided to go to college because I thought that would make Mom happy and I needed to DO something with myself.  

Mark and I were together maybe 8 weeks before we moved across country and started a life together. Eight weeks.

I was so adept at being a high functioning  dissociative major depressive and I had no way to articulate what was wrong with me (all that stuff that had been normalized and ignored…all the ways my feelings and personhood was erased)… I just knew something evil bad was in me and it took me out from time to time. I thought it was my fault and I was ashamed of myself.  I was living in a constant state of shock. CPTSD.

So, I get myself into college and thanks to Mark and his truck we move across country.

When I hear my friends now talking about saving money for their kids college and really setting them up for success by helping them choose a school and get settled in or making sure they don’t have to work so they can focus on their studies and have a healthy social life with friends and do activities Im so confused. I didn’t know parents and families helped their kids with such things. I didn’t understand that in other families they help, protect and support. I made it through without any of these blessings.

Mark and I get a shitty apartment (the ceiling caved in out of rot and the place was full of roaches. The property managers stole my drum set and we would catch them on the roof at night peeping through the skylight to watch us), I get a full time job managing a restaurant…in addition to schooling full time...Im overwhelmed by the workload, scared to be across country, freaked out by college and the expectations… it was too much. I was away from the source of my abuse and things started to surface… I NEEDED HELP.

I needed my family except, honestly, I have none. Additional mindfuck: when I tried to talk to people about this I get the old trope about how everyone has tough relationships in their families and I need to love my mom and work it out with her.SO I KEPT GOING BACK FOR MORE WITH MOM BECAUSE I NEEDED HER LOVE SO BAD AND I THOUGHT THE PROBLEM WAS ME. Further, because I was so regressed I just sounded like a petulant child when I tried to talk about the abuse I had no accurate words for so nobody outside the experience really got it or could conceive how bad things really were for me… why would they? My family is extraordinarily fucked up, like nobody I have ever known.

In college, nobody comes to check on me and make sure Im ok. Nobody was calling. Id get rare emails or letters. When I would tell mom how hard it was, mom would mock me and tell me to suck it up when I would reach out to her and “complain” about how things were going for me… See, because its always my fault and Im never measuring up.

An aside: To this day, 40 years later, Jim2 has yet to even send me a single email to check and make sure Im ok or get to know me at all. He has never responded to the multiple emails I have sent him, so I stopped reaching out. I used to cry to mom about it and she would tell me that he “has a busy life” and I had to understand that’s why I wasn’t a priority to him. Personally, I cant imagine anything being more important than making a connection with your little sister, but I guess Im biased and not like him: busy getting high and drunk and being a cool party guy.  

During my college is when he married Lori. I worked over time and got a plane ticket to be at his wedding. I was sick to my stomach at the idea of having to be around my family but I love my brother and I wanted to be there. He ignored me the entire time I was there. I was a HUGE FUCKING DEAL that I could afford the ticket and made the effort to be there for him. I showed up for him….He ignored me. I was devastated and felt invisible and so worthless.

Another aside: I was 24 and that very first Christmas on the west coast Mom calls me, driving herself to the ER to get her stomach pumped from a suicide attempt. She was dramatically telling me her goodbye in case she didn’t make it. I was stressed and powerless beyond the telling of it. I cried all the way through that Christmas. Again: Mom always uses me as her emotional manipulation dumping ground. Out of all her children, Im the one with heart and she gets the sympathy she is working me over for.

During my college years, I would ask Mom for help she would mock me “Im sending baby Sava (MJs daughter) a care package…are you a baby? Do you need one too?”

Mean girl jealousy that I went to college and her life was taken from her by her children….

In college I had no friends, just Mark. No time for activities and my mental health was so fragile I had no ability to form friendships. I was barely hanging on. I would be catatonic in my time at home. We had this geometry screensaver on the computer and I would be frozen staring at it for hours while my brain felt like it was going to shatter. I was an absolute wreck and a shell of a person…but I was determined to prove I could graduate college and I wasn’t a fuck up. I wanted Mom to be proud of me.

I guess it should come as no surprise that after 4 years of no time off, working and schooling 80 hours a week, getting zero support emotionally or financially from my family …. that absolutely NOBODY FROM MY FAMILY CAME TO CELEBRATE ME AT MY GRADUATION.

Nobody came. Nobody celebrated me. Nobody saw the value in me or my hard work.

I remember being on the phone with Jim2 the day of my graduation. I had called him to ask why he wasn’t there for me. I was in tears. He told me that if that was the worst thing that ever happened to me, congratulations on your nice life. He thought it was bullshit that I was so upset. He thought I was being a baby. This loser dropped out of college which he had a scholarship for and did nothing with his life but drugs and alcohol and saw no value in me or what I did on my own. He didn’t show up for me.

Me going to college and graduating on time with full credits was a major fucking accomplishment on so many levels.

Not one of my family was there for me and I will never forgive or forget that.

We moved to the same fucking town Mary Jane was in when she was in college and never ONCE did anyone come to check on me and be interested in what I was doing or validate how amazing it was that I was in school and making it happen on my own.  

When I talk about how alone I feel in life, its in my bones.

I had worked over time to get Mom a plane ticket so she would be there for my graduation and she called me a couple days before to tell me pathetically “She couldn’t get the day off work.”  (Lie: I think she has some legal issue and couldn’t leave the state or something like that.)

After she called to bail on my graduation… at 27 years old… I had a heart attack on my walk home. I collapsed in my living room. Mark found me on the floor when he got home from work. She literally broke my heart. I was devastated. I was in shock. I was dissociating. I was so fucked up. I needed help. Poor Mark. He didn’t know what was wrong and neither did I.

Shortly after my graduation, MJ graduated and she drove to see her and was sure to tell me about it. I mean, they are BFFs so, no surprises there. GO TEAM MARY ELLEN, right?  

Whats wrong with you Melissa? My family. My family is whats wrong with me.

During college I was stressed to the point of being catatonic when I wasn’t at work or school. My mental health was tanking in every possible way… but the pressure cooker of school and work kept me hemmed in and my desire to prove that I was someone worth loving (because god knows I wasn’t going to be loved just for being me…No one was simply going to show up for me or simply be there. I had to earn it.)

…. then we moved to Seattle and I had three years at Amazon in that pressure cooker of a job… (10 to 14 hours a day, 6 days a week) working as a Lead running a team of 200 people to keep me too busy to feel my feelings or connect to emerging myself.  

At some point after I graduated and it no longer mattered, I remember MJ came to visit me one time. That was nice of her. Thank you for trying, MJ.

But heres the fun part: Mark. Mark loved me.

Mark is the very first and to this day ONLY person who has been intimately involved in my life who loves and respected me just as I am.

It was Mark loving me that allowed me to start developing a voice and for that very young very traumatized person inside of me to start coming to the surface. Mark was the very best thing that has ever happened to me….and, ironically, it was because he loved me that all that evil finally came to the surface…and was our demise.

All the things dad did to me, all the never ending abuse from mom that sought to vilify and demoralize me… all of the hurt from the abandonment from my brothers and sisters… all that evil came up because he Loved me enough to make me feel safe and supported…I just didn’t know that then and couldn’t see or feel that he was the most tremendous gift this life has ever given me ….

and I started sexually assaulting myself in my sleep (woke up one time with an entire box of tampons inside of me and had to go to the doctor to get them all out). I would throw punches in my sleep. I was having an utter mental breakdown/ breakthrough… and then I started acting out sexually with other men that I met online. I felt like I was being puppet mastered from some evil unknown source. I was manic and acting out sexually. That default programing from my childhood was calling the shots. I didn’t have a sense of self so I was acting from what I knew and what Dad taught me about myself and the self-worth that mom made sure I didn’t have.

I say acting out sexually. What I should say is reenacting the trauma…which there was so very much of. I was on auto pilot and at that time if you asked me if that’s what I wanted to be doing I would have said yes out of programming but the core truth of who I am knew it was not at all right or who I am or what I wanted…that core didn’t have a voice yet.

2001, Amazon had laid us all off. I got hired working at a treatment center for abused youth.  I was major depressive and would be fetal position on the floor and cry for a month at a time but I didn’t know why or what was wrong… I was just deeply goddamn depressed and wanted to die. All the time. Goddamn. Let it end.

Poor Mark. He didn’t know what was happening. He was the perfect boyfriend. He tried so hard to help me. I honestly could not have asked for a more perfect man to come in to my life…and he was stuck with me. Mentally fucked Melissa with no clue what was wrong… and worst of all, I thought I had to get out of my relationship with Mark.

Crazy,right?….I asked Mom for help. She had no relationship with me and no clue what was going on in my life…She is a complete train wreck of a human and so deep in her own denial and so wrapped up in her latest abusive relationship with a rich man that she could honestly give a fuck about me and thought the worst of me anyway… so yeah, break up with him and oh my god Melissa I don’t know what to do with you.

I kept cheating on him over and over again. I was off the rails with my manic depression. Spending, fucking, driving my car too fast…. Through a chat room, I got mixed up with a man that felt like Dad to me and I was entranced and captive to him. Mark asked me to marry him and I broke up with him, moved out.. I was off the rails with the sexual acting out/re traumatizing myself.

(Mark immediately met the woman he has since married and has been with for the past 18 years. I would give anything to have that man back in my life…Throughout these years, my memory of how he treated me has been the standard by which I have held all other men and nobody measures up….Beyond his character and integrity, the art, music and intelligence that lives within this handsome and kind man is incomparable. I blew it. Fuck. I pushed away the most incredible man I ever knew and he loved me. I still love him to this day.)

At that same time I heard a rumor at work that one of the counselors (reggie, 24) had slept with a client(raya,16). I knew reggie was capable of it (I had slept with him) so I reported it to the Unit manager, Big Mike. ……What I didn’t know is that Reggie, Mike and the guy I was so into, Cash were all friends who grew up together and in the same gang……

and so it was that month that I moved out from Mark that the man that I was so “in love with”, Cash, drugged me at a house party and raped me with 4 of his friends to teach me a lesson for reporting Reggie.

I remember sharing a beer with Cash and then feeling tired and dizzy and asking to lay down and then multiple hours of being barely coherent and having no control over my body and being passed around for everyone to fuck over and over again.

Cash was a sex trafficker and grooming me all along. No wonder he felt like home. My need for family and my daddy issues in full effect, I couldn’t break the spell. I was terrified of him and wanted him to think I was so sexy…..He was masterful with the mindfuck and kept me under his thumb at all times which felt like attention and love to me and was intense enough that I could feel it.

At that time, in Washington, you had a statue of limitations of 8 years to report a rape.

Mind you, I was so dissociative and still had no idea I was a person or had any rights to my thoughts or my body… I was really goddamn checked out at that point in my life….I was in shock. The childhood assault trauma was just surfacing and I had no words for it because it had been normalized and my feelings negated by my parents So, I didn’t know if I had been raped or not….it took me years to figure out that its wrong to drug someone and have all your friends fuck them…

I didn’t know I should or could ask for help. I didn’t believe I could be helped. I didn’t think anyone would help me. I didn’t know I was a person. I didn’t know I had rights. I didn’t know I could escape or how.

ANYONE CONFUSED ABOUT WHY I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO GET HELP OR THAT I DESERVED IT???????

Whats wrong with you, Melissa?

In the meanwhile, Cash was making sure I wouldn’t report it.

He knew I was away from Mark, had a history of sexual assault and no family, and that I lived in absolute poverty so there was zero chance I could escape him.

I was in so much trouble. I needed help. I called Mom. I explained that it all to her. I explained that they were a gang. That it was sex trafficking… that I needed help…. To which she said “Let them play godfather. Whats the worst they can do?”….. (nice way to minimize the extreme danger I was in and negate me as a person, don’t you think?)

that bitch loves to see me suffer and struggle, doesn’t she. Doesn’t it make her look amazing when I look like shit? So she didn’t help me. She shit talked me to the rest of the family like I wanted to be in that situation because I was trash. Nobody helped me.

I remember talking to Mary Jane around that time explaining that I was getting counseling and she, like mom, shamed me and told me I didn’t have bipolar or something like that… She was Team Mary Ellen all the way and me getting counseling was just attention seeking or something like that.

See, this is why MJ and I have never been friends or close. I cant trust her. Shes not someone I think of as an ally. Sorry about that, MJ. Im not trying to be mean but… look at why I think that.

I really do look up to her though. She is so smart and capable. But I cant trust her and this is why.

By the way, here’s just a few of examples of the worst they can do while “playing Godfather”: They were so invested in making sure I never spoke about the rape they made sure I was living in such constant fear for my life (mental domination) that I was too scared to talk to anyone about it:

*They had voyeur cameras in my house…that they were making money off of.

*They had software on my laptop to collect all my personal data (social security, passwords, answers to security questions) so I am owned by them to this day.

*They had GPS on my car to track me everywhere I went and would leave notes on my car to let me know I was constantly being watched.

*They flipped my therapists office and stole all her files to make sure there was no record

*They poisoned my dog every day for a month while I was at work…I would come home to Milo cowering in the corner like he had been abused all day long and diarrhea all over the floor until one day I yelled out in my home with nobody there that I would find Cashs son and do the same to him…and I went online and found his childs home address…yelled that out to my empty apartment…and after that day Milo was never sick again….

*Then there are the 2 times they broke into my apartment in the middle of the night, drugged me in my sleep and did whatever and dumped me at the park. One of those time I woke up with half my face slack and paralyzed as though I had a stroke. By the grace of god I got the feeling back but to this day its still a little droopy.

*They sent their equally psycho boy Alex into my life to keep watch on me. He was horribly mentally abusive. I was so broken and demoralized. I needed to get away. Instead, I got pregnant. Alex also gave me syphilis ..and so I had an abortion. I had to get two Orders of Protection to get Alex away from me. When I called mom for help with the pregnancy, she was off the rails hysterical and I was yet even more scared and alone. Mom blamed me for all of it. Further evidence Im trash. I got pregnant by a mistake by a black man.

There is more, I mean it was 8 years of daily torture… but I think you get the idea. Complete mental domination was the name of their game.

I had no friends. None. I was so fucked up. I was terrified to speak to anyone because everything felt like danger. Just these men showing up when they felt like to to fuck me and terrorize me. Eight years. My 30s. I was miserable beyond the telling of it.

Whats wrong with you Melissa. I needed help. I was so scared. I needed my family. I got yelled at and shamed. I was so alone. I wanted to die. I was so depressed and fucked up. Goddamn. Let it end. And the worst of it all is that I really didn’t even have myself. I never had a chance to be safe enough to develop a self. I was a shell of a human. I was out of my head. I was so checked out with the PTSD and the trauma of it all. I was scared to be alive. Soul fracturing is real.

This was how I spent my 30s. Somehow pulling myself together to go to work during the day because I didn’t want to be homeless, coming home and having a total mental collapse at night and all the while being mentally tortured by a gang of sex traffickers and when I reached to my family for help I got blamed for being a fucked up piece of shit.

I had no one. When I talk about my isolation and how alone I am, its cumulative.  Its all this and more.

I don’t need to volunteer at a shelter on Christmas to be with someone for the holidays. I don’t need to get a dog. I need family. I need to be validated on a daily basis that I matter and am loveable just as I am. I need someone safe who is simply there. I need people in my life who celebrate me without me asking. I need people who are there for those simple mundane acts of living that define us…I need to come home to love.

The miracle: I kept myself employed and was successful in my corporate career path, I kept myself housed, and drug and alcohol free the entire time. I had the where with all to get counselling and try to work through my shit. I never gave up on myself even though I didn’t yet know who I am and my family had absolutely written me off from day one.

Then the Recession happened. I, of course, had never learned money management skills so there really wasn’t any savings to rely on. I was comfort eating like a motherfucker, I had student loans, a car payment and insurance and a foolishly large and expensive apartment, I had these lecherous men that were taking advantage of me financially too… I was manic depressive… I was paying for counselling (which if I am not mistaken over the years has totaled $100k) But to be honest, I don’t know where my money went… so when the Recession hit it took about 2 months before I was selling off everything I own and living in my car….where I stayed for the next year with my dog.

Nobody help me stay safe or in my integrity. I had no friends in Seattle to turn to. Mom told me to put my things in garbage bags and throw it all away…take the dog to the pound… and work with my counselor (she was angry about me getting help because she perceived it as being me trying to vilify her and this was her chance to punish me for getting help) and find a shelter to check in to because I wasn’t welcomed at her home.

Let me say that again: My mom knew I was losing everything, told me to throw my life away, dump my kid at the pound and told me to check into a shelter, I wasn’t welcomed at her home.

MY MOM.

Shes sees me as trash. She threw me away. Doesn’t she look amazing when Im failing?

Work in Seattle was impossible to find. I literally had 700 resumes out. Understand, I have held a job consistently since I was 15 years old and somehow mom thought this moment was me being a lazy piece of shit and just trying to manipulate her for money when I asked for help.

Sure. Ok.

I spent the next year in my car with no money coming in other than whatever odd jobs I could grab on craigslist to make my car payment. I drove back to North Carolina to seek help from my friends and my brother. My friends back home were not in a position to help me in any long lasting way but bless them all for what they did…

but Jim 2, who lives in Raliegh, was. He just declined. He made me a sandwich…told me there was nothing he could do for me (he has three houses)…and I spent the night in my car outside my brother’s house.

I had an ex acquaintance from Seattle who lived in Raleigh. He was part of the abuser sex trafficking gang. He let me sleep on the floor but would beat the shit out of me if I tried to sleep on the couch. I was so demoralized and out of my head, I needed literally anyone to be there for me….so, I stayed there, on the floor, for a month.

My brother was 15 minutes away, could have kept me safe but my brother chose to do nothing to help me.  

Whats wrong with you Melissa. My family. Definitely gonna say my family.  

When it was clear that North Carolina wasn’t going to be any better for work than Seattle I decided to drive back to the west coast. I had to drive through Texas and I didn’t stop at Moms house. I didn’t even try. Why would I?  I was so hopeless and out of my head with depression and PTSD. I was screaming into the great black nothing. I was cutting myself all over to get the evil out. I would punch my own face black and blue from self loathing… again, thinking it was all my fault and that I was defective. I mean… my own family didn’t want me. Nobody did. It was me. I was a horrible piece of shit and deserved to die. Nobody loved or wanted me. Nobody kept me safe. I was deeply lost in the void. I wanted to die. Goddamn. Let it end.

That year in the car was by far worse than the 8 years of being tortured by sex traffickers or the 13 years of living with my sex predator father or the 7 years of being stuck in bumfuck North Carolina with my moms abuser boyfriend stealing the show.

Without question having nobody and knowing that nobody cares if you are safe, in your integrity, have a door to lock, privacy of any kind, if you are fed or showered… knowing for a demonstrated fact that there is not a single person on earth who cares enough to validate your humanity is the absolute worst feeling I have ever known.  Being completely dehumanized, demoralized, erased. I begged for death.

Whats wrong with you Melissa?

Fun fact: during that time, instead of helping me or offering me a job at her business doing the exact job I did so well at Amazon (I asked for one and told her I would sleep in the attic at the office and she told me No), to mock me and show me what a failure I am and that I was just trying to manipulate her for money because Im a lazy loser

Mom went to her local Costco and applied for a job to show me how easy it was for her to get hired.

I mean, if youre going to be void of a soul, you should really go for it. Kudos, Mom.  

I drove through California on the way back home to Seattle and met my sister Patty for the first time. We look like two peas in a pod. We think exactly the same. She is undeniably my sister. It was the most incredible feeling.

For the first time in my entire life I actually felt and thought the same as someone else.

She casually declined to introduce me to her family. They kept looking at me incredulously because we look just the same… but she would shoo them away when they would come over to talk. I met her at her restaurant and then she took me to her palatial home. She has a huge family. She had tons of photo albums… and then she started talking about Dad…like she was in a trance and talking about a favorite lover… it was clear that Dad had sexualized her and maintained that relationship with her well into her adult life and that was the reason she had no contact with us and didn’t want a deeper relationship with me. One conversation was all I got with her. I slept in my car outside her home. My sister didn’t help me. Whats wrong with you Melissa???

In one shot from LA I drove back to Seattle. I figured out that the Queen Anne neighborhood had the lowest crime rate so I parked there. I was so sick to death of all the nights that year that I would wake up with someone trying to break in to the car. Thank god I had Milo with me. He saved me multiple times from intruders that year. My body was a wreck from car living and shit food. My mental health beyond destroyed. I was really just done. Run through. All the way run through.

I did a brief stint staying in Silverdale with my friend from NC that I managed to re connect with on my drive back… but the hour drive into Seattle from Silverdale was too much so I lumped it and just slept in my car in Queen Anne once I secured my job…..

I went in to Top Pot Doughnuts every day for a month and demanded a job until they gave me one. I was 8 weeks into that job, still sleeping in the car but I had forward momentum when I totaled the car. I had the very last car payment in the seat next to me I had worked so fucking hard to maintain my payments in good faith despite it all and come out of that situation with my car but nope…fuck me. I was on my way to the gym and I was giving myself a pep talk telling myself everything was going to be ok….and I ate it…40 miles an hour into a stopped truck on the West Seattle Bridge. Entirely my fault. Milo went to the pound. All my earthly belongings went to the impound yard. I went to the ER…. And I called every single person I knew and who I thought could help me.

Just when you think you have nothing left, turns out you can go lower. Nobody returned my call.  

Me, the unwanted, loveable piece of shit. I could die and nobody cared. Whats wrong with you Melissa?

I got out of the hospital, I had made contact with my online friend Rishad and he let me stay for a couple days… BLESS HIM… In those two days I got on the bus. I took the bus that goes through Capitol Hill and up to Queen Anne where my job was. I wrote down every apartment for rent phone number I could see and I started making calls. In the first true lucky break I had in years, this apartment manager woman at a really sweet little apartment on the hill heard me out…heard my story… it was the 15th of the month. I had my car payment check and I cashed it and gave her the money… She gave me the keys and a wink and told me I could move in “on the first”, that’s what the money I gave her would pay for…. and that she definitely didn’t know anything about a dog so no pet fee was needed.

I went right upstairs, LOCKED MY OWN DOOR and laid on the floor with literally nothing left to my name and cried so fucking hard.  

I had whiplash from the accident. I fractured 4 molars on my steering wheel and over the years as my dentist promised they have slowly one by one fallen out of my face. I had broken both my feet and wracked my knees…. But I had a place that was my own and a job and that’s all that mattered.

I went right to the pound the next day and got Milo. I went to the impound lot and got what was left of my life. I missed a sum total of two days of work…. I was so thankful to have a job again I blocked out the pain from my broken body and I just kept going.

(Mind you the only thing Mom has ever been proud of me for in my lifetime is losing weight. That’s what got her attention…that’s what she was impressed by. I went on a diet.)

That next year, I lost 70 pounds at the gym. I perceived my training team as the family I never had and I was good at lifting weights. They weren’t honestly my friends or family but it was something consistent and I needed that stability and I needed them so fucking bad. It took 5 years to start to return to a somewhat functioning human... Lifting helped me get back into my body and stop checking out so much. My nutrition plan made me focus on myself every moment of every day…and nothing beats depression like clean food and working out. Structure and consistency.

My PTSD was off the rails though. I was worse than a soldier coming back from war…I never signed up for that shit and it started when I was a child. I was suffering. I wanted to die. Every moment of every day. I was miserable to be around. Nobody wanted to be my friend. So, trust me…just work and the gym with my illusion that people were there for me and me inappropriately and overly attached to them.

The irony is that I looked amazing and strong and I was, yes. The reality is that I wanted to die. I begged for death. I had two suicide attempts in those years….I surprised myself and cut my wrist with my house keys on the way to work one day and another time I walked into traffic but the car swerved.

Coming out of all that happened and processing all that trauma took more will power and resolve than anything I have ever done. It was so dark. I felt demon possessed. I was out of my head. I would find myself walking out of my place into public with no skirt on just my tights or other crazy shit like that. I was talking to myself, having heated arguments with nobody there all the fucking time. I was punching myself in the face. I was cutting and other such self harm.

It was really bad. I was hurting so fucking much.

And, I had another sociopath boyfriend taking full advantage of my disadvantage…keeping me fucked up because it kept me there for him. Thomas was in my life for 7 years. Absolute Scum. But he was the only person who would show up in person for me. I needed to be held. I was so out of my head and I still had no friends in my life…just people on the internet.… So again, this familiar situation: I just let him use me so I could have literally anyone there. The social and emotional isolation was killing me and I was convinced I was in love. He felt like home. He kept telling me we would be together if I waited. That he loved me. That I was the Key! I was the only time he was happy. The reality was he wouldn’t speak to me during the week. He would just show up on a Friday or Saturday night when he felt like it, from 1am to 3am…literally show up with his dick out to fuck me…very often wouldn’t speak to me when he was there…then he would leave and that was what I considered my relationship and love. It was about 2 years into our “relationship” that the truth slowly started to surface that he was in a long term relationship and he lived with her….

The details of how twisted he is and how he manipulated my daddy issues is disgusting. How he used neglect to keep me working so hard for him to be there and begging for his attention….really sick.

He felt like home which is the worst part. He was exactly like home.

It took me three years at the doughnut shop to get emotionally stabilized enough to make a plan for next steps. I was too emotionally fragile to go back to corporate work or be in an office environment. I knew I wanted to go to massage school and I really thought it could be an answer for me even though Mary Jane and mom had previously shamed and mocked me when I said I wanted to go. Mom didn’t think I could be anything better than a waitress. She told me to stop complaining that I hated my work and just go do it.

It was around this time that I had to move out of the apartment because they raised the rent by double on my sweet apartment and I found my way into squatting in my Art studio, where I have been for the past 7 years.

This studio has been so needed and healed me in so many ways. It is private enough to have a complete mental collapse and since it was a former isolation tank/jail… Nobody can get in here….bars over the windows and a steel door…so, I could sleep at night for the first time in years. The rent is crazy affordable which allowed me to go to school and later afford activities to try to learn social skills and be a real person in the world…. This place is my everything.

When I had my first art show… consisting of the photos that I took when I was living in my car. One of the ways I survived and changed my paradigm to get out of the car alive was that I would walk around and task myself with Looking through the eyes of Love. I would try to find one thing each day that I could see beauty in so I could continue to see good in the world…thus my collection of flower photos that I maintain to this day as my gratitude practice.

Mom picked up the phone and called me the night of my show.

(Mind you, she has never been there for me. Over the years since she kicked me out I think we have talked on the phone maybe 10 times. There have been years where she refused to give me her phone number…she made a game of it for years…I would email and ask for it she would say she was going to give it to me in her reply but never would. Then she finally did and a week later she changed it again. Psycho. Another time I can remember a time we talked on the phone and I ended by saying I love you and she was silent and struggled to say it back. Whats incredible is that she has always pretended to be someone who knows me and knows whats going on in my life and talks about it with such authority. This is a narcissistic abuser in action. What she was doing was scanning my social media and whatever scraps of information she could get and twisting it into whatever story she needed to support her storyline about me being a problem child and a fuck up and what a wonderful mother she is so she could continue to live in denial. She cant face the past and she has never done any work to own her part or apologize. So, now Ive cut her off. She does things now like call the place where I get my mail and had the people who run the PO box office tell me my mother called and she is worried about me and she asked them for whatever information they had on me -so I had to get a new PO Box place where the owners have English as a distant 2nd language-  or she will go through my friends list on social media and contact people to see if they will keep tabs on me for her and share her story about what a problem I am and how she is just a loving mother who I have scorned and of course people believe her. She said the magic word: Mother. Nobody would suspect what kind of Mother she actually is and they see me all angry, regressed emotionally like a child and so fucked up and struggling in the world so she must me right about me, yeah? Text book actions when you try to break away from a Narcissist)

So…I get into the studio and Im all set up for my show and she called me to say this: “So, youre having an art show huh? You think youre so great. Youre still alone though aren’t you? (the mean girl was jealous that I somehow retained a sense of self and did something neat to be proud and again, she wanted to punish me…the woman is demented.) You know, the longest relationship you’ve ever had is with that damn dog.” And then she laughed at me. Made some shit comment about my basement studio “not having air” and some other bullshit and we ended the call. My party guests were arriving. My self-confidence was missing in action for the rest of my night.   Nice, right? That’s my mom.

Shortly after I get in to the Studio Milo got sick. Really really sick. As I promised him from day one, I would never let him suffer for my own selfish reasons…. So, I rented a car, took him to the vet and had him put down. The love of my life and my great protector. This sweet soul that was my constant source of love and hope for 14 years. When I posted on my facebook thread about his passing, mom commented that she was devastated at her loss. Because, you know… Milos death, this dog that she wanted me to throw away, was about how it impacted HER.  …yeah….ok.

I want to mention out of the context of a clear timeline that somewhere in here I trained for and ran two Tough Mudders. They are 12 mile courses with 20 really fucking hard obstacles. They are designed to be run with a team. I ran them both solo because nobody wanted to join me. On the days that I went to the events, neither my Trainer or the man I was so in love with, Thomas, sent me as much as a good luck text to wish me well or acknowledge my accomplishment. My previously 215 pound ass had shrunk to 140 pounds and, at 40 years old ran a team event solo and made it through in TWO AND A HALF HOURS completing every single obstacle, no excuses…. And nobody who should have been excited and invested in my success said a word.

I was still invisible. I still did not matter. I was still not celebrated by the people who should have been there for me.

I want to point this out: Even I did not think I mattered or what I was doing was noteworthy. I was still so checked out and erased to myself that it didn’t click in my head that my life and all that I was doing and surviving was me doing the impossible.

My friend Luke (who I met online dating but I knew we were meant to be solid friends for life) made a point to come with me to the first Tough Mudder. He spent the entire day out there and he took photos of me… He is the reason that I can now reflect on what I did and actually SEE MYSELF. That gift is immeasurable. Luke evidenced me. Im here today as a whole person in part because of him.  Also of note, the transition time between the apartment and the studio: Luke let me stay with him. He kept me safe and he was my sounding board and my true friend. I have nothing but the deepest most heartfelt love and respect for him. His story is equally harrowing and he is a miracle in action. Thank you Luke. I love you. Youre in my inner circle for life.

Now that Milo was gone and I was feeling somewhat more stabilized as a human, I knew it was time to make my career plan and try to get into massage school. Here is the next great stroke of luck in my lifetime: I went to Discovery Point and I talked to the women that run the school I explained my situation and that I was completely broke. They let me go to school for free in those 9 months with the understanding that I would clean the school on the weekends, make what payments I could as I went along and work out a payment plan immediately after graduation and that they would hold my diploma until that was complete.  OH SWEET MERCY.

My days during those 9 months were 17 hours long. I would manage the café in the morning 5am to 1pm, go to the gym to lift and run from 2 to 4, then to school from 5 to 10pm…all the while walking to get to each place. I was getting something like 12 miles a day. I did it. I made my 9 months of cleaning the school and keeping my life on track ( no cheering section, nobody doing laundry, cooking, keeping bills paid or there to comfort me but me: Whats new?) , I passed my exam and I was on track to move my life forward.

I feel like there should have been a celebration when I graduated because that’s fucking astounding…. but, hey… nothing happened, nobody in my life said a word of congratulations about it. Surprise.

I live alone. I have no friends beyond those that exist on the computer, acquaintances from community, and a few co workers that I have hung out with from time to time and I always make a big deal about that on social media which gives the illusion that I have people, but I really dont. My only contact with others is at work. I go home to an empty room and there is no support or comfort. Its really impossible to describe to people who have people what it is like to live with this constant isolation and utter lack of emotional intimacy and how it eats you alive…but this has been my life.

People who don’t understand tell me to get a dog or volunteer or pay for therapy for companionship. That’s a cruel tone deaf response. People need people and it is reasonable to want to be loved, intimately, from the outside in. What I want is to simply matter, and be loved and valued, and have someone who is there without having to do something to receive that…..

Because I have yet to be understood when I talk about it, I have for the most part stopped talking about my isolation that is to this day very real for me.

Im so lonely I just want to die. Whats new.

In the next year, I was waiting tables still and somehow managed to pay off $10k for my license… on a year where I only made $24k. again, no celebration when I told my co workers about it…. I thought it was a big deal.

During that year I went to the doctor and discovered that I was literally malnourished. I was pushing it too hard with working out and keeping everything on track and my personal trainer wasn’t actually reading the food journal I sent him each night… so I got pneumonia as well….but just kept going.

I also got my Personal Training Cert and my Nutrition Counseling cert that year and started working as a Personal Trainer while I looked for a Massage job. Things were lightening up for me. The tremendous crushing weight of my entire life was lightening up.

But the reality of who my Trainer was and what a fraud he was came to the light. He was sleeping with some of his clients and I have a laundry list of unethical things he, and his business partner, were doing. When I held him accountable that was the last straw for him. He was sick to death of weathering my PTSD and how fucked up and sick I was and how fucked up I was over Thomas all the goddamn time… and additionally I was calling out all the ways he was unethical: I was bad for business. I was bad for him in the fitness community.

He kept gaslighting me to try to get me to leave but that was my community for 5 years and I didn’t know what to do…….So, Matt did whats guys do: Shes crazy… and shit talked me throughout the fitness community.  He kicked me out of his gym and I now have no gym to work out at and no trainers willing to work with me. Thanks Matt! Super appreciate you!

I maintained my own lifting program for another year but honestly, I was in it for the community and sense of belonging that I never had before in my life. Without that and with Matt shit talking me in the background so I had no support elsewhere my program started to slip…. Add to that, I had begun  working full time in massage and my shoulder got burnt out. I have a repetitive stress injury from my Amazon days that was made worse at Tough Mudder when I got my arm yanked nearly out of its socket in an obstacle… so, Lifting started to fade… and honestly, I was burnt out on the regiment of it all. I needed a break. I deserved a huge break.

I think it was right around 2014 when Mom had me come to Houston for Thanksgiving as though we are friends or she was a Mom. The highlights of that visit include her telling me the reason I wasn’t welcome in Houston during the Recession was because her husband Rumi forbade it.

(I forgot to mention that all through the years of her being with Rumi she has painted this picture of him being physically and emotionally abusive. That she was hiding money to escape him and what a horror he is. She had some secret email account that she sent me emails from at one point and told me that she was trying to hack his email to see who he was having affairs with or some other drama….. but you know if you ask Jim2 who his best friend is, its Rumi…apparently they text all the time…so, you know…she loves to lie and paint these horrific pictures of who people are to support whatever her manipulation is to get sympathy or whatever pay off)

Anyway, While I was in Houston visiting her she was acting like everything was normal and fine and that I had just made up whatever it was that I went through during the Recession. She reminded me that since I “left home” at 18 she has had to give me something like $20k in support and implied what a burden I am and how I always have my hand out. She has kept track of the financial support she gave me as a parent and wanted me to feel like shit for needing her. Cool….

Another example of how mentally deranged she is: While I was there we went out to lunch. Mind you, I have maybe $100 to my name at that time. I offered to pay for lunch at this fast food place and after we ordered she commanded me to go pick a table. So I got a booth with a chair. I sat on the booth side so I was facing the café and could see her when she came out of the restroom… I waved her over and she sat in the chair. Unbeknownst to me, the booth side made me taller than the chair side…. She got this twisted angry look and became livid that I thought I was better than her. Paying for lunch and sitting above her like that….. The next day Mom and Rumi started playing a really fun game where they forgot my name and kept calling me “Savannah” (my niece) for the remainder of the time I was there …. You know… because at 44, they saw me as a child. Nothing like a little game of erasing your daughter’s person hood and replacing it with infantilism to let your daughter know you really see her and respect her.

I really hope this is making clear why I have a strict no contact in place with her that I will never change.

Now its 2017 and I get hired at my dream job. The Spa that I am at is beautiful. My co workers are the best. I make really fine money. My mental health is slowly coming together. I got Thomas out of my life and have enough mental clarity now to really see him for who he is.  I had spent yet another holiday season alone and the isolation was killing me, as per usual…so I decided that the best thing for me to do to help pull me out of my PTSD and stop being so scared to be seen or heard would be to go to music school…. Learn how to make friends for the first time in my adult life and be with people who were not my co workers. Try to trust people again. Try to trust that I could be liked for who I am….though rejection has been a very prevalent theme in my life… Try to learn some social skills that I missed out on basically my entire life.

How to simply hang out and play….was brand fucking new to me. Music school was really really really hard… not to mention I have no musical ability and I get triggered by stress pretty quickly and freeze… but I knew it was the right thing to do to reparent the kid inside me who never learned to make friends or be in activities with others and who wanted to play drums…. So hell yeah. I did it.

Thank you to Katy,Tracy,Melissa,and Kiyan for coming out to see a couple of those shows and being there to support me. You have no idea how much that meant to me.

I thought if I could make friends there I would have people to go out with and maybe could have a chance to meet a man and have a relationship… but all the women there were married with children and had little interest in going out at night, and I still wasn’t fully integrated as a Self yet… so that was a bust.

Music school was really me making up for my 20s and 30s when I should have been out at shows and hanging with friends and making art and and dating but instead I was being mentally tortured by my entire life. I gave it a good shot, but Im a mixed media artist not a musician and that’s really that. I have to take it in stride: Bless my heart for trying. Thank you to all my bandmates for being so kind and supportive of me and for being stellar humans

I was in my first year of Music school when I met the most amazing man, Joe. He was magical. He honestly loved me for me and I loved him right back. It was fast and deep and I felt so completely seen and wanted by him and OH MY GOD I NEEDED THAT FOR SO LONG. He made incredible things happen and took me on dates that made me feel like a Queen…. But Joe was terminally ill and two months later took his own life. I was in shock again….but kept going as I do.

Also out of context of timeline: When I got into that sweet little apartment I would go down to Edge of the Circle which was just a couple blocks away and get Tarot readings from Raven and Kiyan. I didn’t know how to simply ask for friendship so I would buy Tarot readings to have someone to talk to. These two helped me so much in so many ways…through their compassion and through helping me develop my Self and my skills. Over and over again these two have shown up as real people who have treated me with integrity. People who genuinely care about me and support me in my developing personhood. Ive made it through because of them and so many others along the way.

The shitty thing about being knocked out of your self is that even though you have people around you who care, you often cant see it or feel it and like a dick minimize what people are doing for you because the all-consuming feeling that nobody is there is so much larger than the gentle loving efforts of those around you…. And what happens: you push away the people who are there for you because they have self-respect and youre unwittingly being a dick. I want to say Im really sorry about this because I know for sure Ive done this.

Also out of context of timeline: Somewhere in here I started working in Tarot and caught a lucky break and got hired at Percys to be their Reader. Huge shout out to Krista who made that so possible for me. That Tarot night did more for my sense of Self and well being than I can explain and I was a success there largely because Krista made it so beautiful and kept that night going for me.

I also want to say Thank you to Tracy, Katy, and of course Brian who were my friends and co workers at the RowHouse Café… through those early massage school years. Endless support and encouragement from these guys, even when I was too fucked up to really receive it or reflect it back. Im really lucky to have met you and have had you in my life.

It was right around the solar eclipse and the night before that hurricane hit and flooded Houston and moms house got flooded that I emailed her a long list of things she had done that hurt me and explained that I would be taking time away from her and Id let her know when we could speak again. The next morning after I sent that email I again felt puppet mastered…. But this time by the little kid inside me… I literally woke up, jumped out of bed and started to dance. I was filled with glee. I was amazed by myself. I don’t know where that came from except to say that the kid inside me was OVERJOYED to be free of her.

In the coming years I kept proving to myself that I wont let her back in and that Im safe now… and as I have been staying true to this practice of not letting her, or anyone like her, back in my life… I have become happier and more whole as a human being…. More capable of making good choices in friends and finances….

She made an attempt to contact me around the holidays this year. I saw her call but let it go to voice mail. The message she left was something to the tune of her wanting to know if I had forgiven her yet and gotten over it. …See, because its about me and what I need to do because its my damage that is the problem here…. Nothing had changed with her. It was still my fault. No apology. No self reflection. Had I forgiven her yet. For fucks sake: I will never forgive her.  

I have learned to celebrate myself, take my self on vacations and to my great delight I had friends who spent time with me and took care of me!!!!!! Incredible!!!!!, give myself the compassion and nurturing that I always wished I had and reasonably should have had from my family. I have been working on being able to see the love that is there for me from the people that I have in my life, though I still struggle with that.  I have been working so hard on Self Love, Self Respect, Healthy boundaries, creating safety and stability in my life in all way and I know that Im doing great work because my inner me, those little kids inside of me that needed a parent are really responding to the parenting Im giving them…. Check this out:

A month or so after I declined her call I was out at the café in my neighborhood, having a treat and a coffee and doing some writing. I was sitting at the table and this incredible feeling came over me as though a golden light was shining on me and I could see it glittering down on me. I started laughing and crying like when you cum really hard and youre filled with ecstasy and bliss. And then I had a vision of being in a hospital room that was in the forest… it was just two walls of the room and then the woods…I could see deer and birds. In the hospital bed there was a person in a full body cast. The cast had moss growing on it and tiny sprouts of pine trees. The Doctor walked in to the room to check on the patient. I was both the Doctor and the Patient. I told myself: Hey, its time to get you out of there. And I grabbed my circle saw and started to cut my cast from end to end and crack to open like a sarcophagus. I told myself Welcome Back! We are so glad you are here!!! Go slow, take your time getting up. No rush.

I was so elated. I walked home immediately. Upon arriving at my studio I had another vision of all the ages of myself, down to the youngest and up to the oldest and wisest all linking hands. I recognized these women as my Sisters/MySelf… all of us agreed that the next would watch out for the next and that nobody would ever hurt us again. SOUL RECLAMATION.

For the first time in my life I am here, in this body, in this present moment. The first time in my life I am ME. Im currently 6 months in to my actual LIFE. THIS IS ME. I AM HERE. OH MY GOD. I MADE IT.

Yes now, of course, the world is ending and my career in massage is tenuous at best and I might be fucked again…. But so not worried because honestly, Ive survived worse with less. So I will figure this out and keep myself alive, housed and fed.

Over the years my attempts to talk it out with Mom were pointless… she would erase my feelings and angrily tell me that it was hard on all of us. She would hold no space for me and just be my mom and have some compassion for her baby girl. Nope: It was hard on all of us so stop complaining… but see, I was a child and they were my parents and that was my family and I had no choice…. So really, at this point, Im done. Im better off on my own.

I don’t know what else to say other than those yearly years were tremendously bad for everyone in my family, yes. I can now at this time in my life see and understand why everyone did what they did…. That my parents were also victims of abuse from their parents and all that and yeah, I have compassion and Im really sorry they had to go through that….But it doesn’t make it ok or make mom someone I will let back in my life. I mean, I went through it and Ive dedicated my lifes work to helping others heal and I try to be so good to everyone around me so…. No excuses. And, I still have questions like: Fuck, why did dad never go to jail? Im guessing it was about the money…..and really, how did nobody in my family see that I needed help?

Anyway… Ive done epic amount of self work to be here today as a whole person and really change my reality to one where I have value and can share love. Im still working on it… My social anxiety is still the worst. I can barely form words into sentences when Im out in public and I dont have a job to do as my role to play....but you know, I keep trying and its easier and keeps getting easier… and I have amazing friends like Brad to have mini adventures with… and I have my Studio to do my art in and now that Im feeling so much more whole as a person I think I might actually see some work through to completion that I can be proud of… and I have a job that I love and Im getting training for some other skills to expand my skillset and I feel that things can only get better from here so

I feel so lucky to be alive and so fucking grateful to be me and I really like myself. It’s a miracle. All things are possible if you just remember: LOVE IS THE KEY and keep moving in that direction.

That’s my experience and now you know.

[heir-of-the-founders]

I dont give a fuck anymore jesus christ i need yall to see this

Asdfghjkl its so hard to explain the amount of fucking hypocrisy in this video jesus.

Dont let the cleanliness fool you. Its a shithole.

The gym doesnt have an ac system but we can afford a giant (and by giant i mean ive never seen one this size before) touchscreen tv next to the auditorium and to have the 30 (that's not an exaggeration) tvs playing the fucking school news 7 times an hour every hour (they gloat about it but also gloat that we're the most watched student news in the state)(like no dip dumb dumb you play it 4800 times a damn day) and decals on the stairs and to completely revamp the auditorium.

They also cant be bothered to actually clean the fucking music wing. Theres these weird box couch things in there. Someone spilled a drink behind one. It took them a month AND being notified by other teachers bc students literally cant get a hold of janitorial at all ever. Fuck, freshman year a bird got inside and fucking died on the stairwell. Took 2 hours for the bird to be gone and 2 fucking weeks for the blood to be cleaned up. There was literally fucking blood on the windows and floor. Someone put notebook paper down so we didnt get blood on our shoes.

Oh! And when the band teacher mr swenson left he got replaced with henson and instead of giving him a new plaque they literally just taped an h over the sw with printer paper.

The head of the school board for my county literally got caught using the school credit card to go to hooters and buy alchohol but i guess nobody reported him bc that was freshman year and im a sr now and hes still head of the board.

Also, a few years ago (maybe it was only last yr i dont remember) during the march for our lives thing, a girl was organizing a protest and the hicks (for the people who dont know, those are the people that like,, kin the south. They literally wear plaid button ups and tuck their shirts into their too high jeans with giant belt buckles and wear cowboy boots and have confederate flags on their trucks, its ridiculous) the hicks literally kicked her and pushed her and spit on her in the halls for so long and it was so bad that she ended up not coming to school for like two weeks. But nobody got in trouble even though we have cameras literally everywhere.

My math teacher doesnt have a math degree. Well, shes not my math teacher anymore but like. She admitted to our class that she has no idea what shes doing. She yells at kids when they correct her. I literally transferred from algebra 2 to the algebra 2/ trigonometry mixed course in the middle of the year because it was taught by a different teacher and it made more fucking sense.

My english teacher sophomore year didnt have an english degree. He had a math degree. He also taught statistics. But that course was dropped when he retired jr yr. We literally didnt even read anything the whole thing was bullshit. He also had us say ubuntu (taken from wiki- Ubuntu (Zulu pronunciation: [ùɓúntʼù]) is a Nguni Bantu term meaning "humanity." It is often translated as "I am because we are," ) every day before class. it was weird.

Also the theater heads (the special ed teacher and 2 sports coaches) would like constantly yell at the theater kids to not bring any food or drink into the theater bc of like mice and shit but would then eat a pizza and drink coffee

Oh! Speaking of mice. The STEM classroom had this weird ass ceiling where it was like a platform of tiles hanging from the real ceiling and like it wasnt over the whole thing and we had a mouse problem in the school and sometimes the mice would get up there and sometimes you could hear them crawling around in the middle of class. There were also just like. Mouse traps. All over a lot of rooms.

One of the english rooms had a window thats inside and faces under a stairwell.

Oh and all that glass? Yeah, theres more and none of its bulletproof.

The pe teacher has a record of calling students whores and telling them theyre not going anywhere in life in front of the entire class bc the student didnt bring pe clothes. Its happened to both of my sisters and also a few friends. Ive seen it happen too. Amongst other things. Also, her office connects to the girls changing room and theres a window into it? And like the window is kinda covered up but with this weird material that has holes all over it. I dunno its just really creepy.

And like i guess last year the special ed teacher (one of the theater heads) got caught cheating on her husband (the freshman spanish teacher) with the (recently) retired freshman american history teacher. Mr s (the husband) and mr b (the side hoe) had rooms across from eachother. And now mrs s lives in Florida and mr s is just. Gone.

The excel head (like the head of the gifted kids program i guess?) Broke one of the 3d printers bc she was messing with it and then blamed it on a student and got the entire excel programs 3d printer privileges revoked. They even caught it in camera and she didnt get in trouble.

Sophomore year everyone called the science teacher daddy to the point that he just left.

The school has 3 elevators (required by law) and theyre kinda fucked up but i didnt realise it until i started using them regularly. First, there is a single thing in one if the elevators that says the last time they were inspected was 2014. Theres the main building elevator, the freshman building elevator, and the okd elevator, which is the only one that goes to the 3rd floor.

The old elevator is like. Really old. Like. Its manual. And you can touch the walls of the elevator shaft when yr moving. Also like. One half of the elevator just. Isnt covered. You also need a key to operate it and they dont give the keys out to the students so you either need to talk to the nurse before hand (and she always forgets) or try to find a janitor. Which. Only way to the 3rd floor. Elevator wise anyway. Which sucked wheb i had win time (like a mandatory study hall where you sign up for different teachers every day depending on 'What I Need', hence the name) on the 3rd floor bc sometimes mandatory stuff was scheduled up there. Which. Yay.

And the freshman building elevator fuckin,, it fuckin shakes. Like. Just. Its like turbulence. Its terrifying and ive genuinely thought i was about to die a few times.

People also use the elevators to vape bc the only one you need an adult for is the old one. This is evident by the smell.

Thats all that i can think of atm bc its 3am and i might delete this later but yea fuck my school

[verritytorres]

calron fake dating au - unfinished outline

THROUGHOUT ONE MONTH (OCTOBER 2017)

·      still not fully clear on why they fake date but we getting there

o   call announces it for shits n giggles at a party on Thursday night (drunk? to celia the gossip queen?) then morning after everyone’s like “oh congrats on finally dating aaron btw!” “what”

o   aaron’s pissed at first cause that’s actually a shitty thing to do also he’s been pining for going on two years now do u have any idea what this does to his Heart

o   that is, until something happens that convinces him

§  some bully fuckers in the locker room after soccer practice like “who we gonna get today, chad?” “well everyone in here is off limits so--” aaron chimes in “what do you mean… off limits” “look youre a respectable guy so we treat you right, always have. teammates honor and all that. so we get at other people instead” (cue Dark Aaron) “and who are these other people” “that scrawny guy hunt for example” “oh, you mean call hunt my boyfriend?” “your…what?” “you heard me. if you fuck with him, you and I might have a problem. and nobody wants that.”

§  later, aaron texts call “I’m in.”

§  “sweet. what changed ur mind?” “That’s not important.”

·      the only person that knows is tamara bc helou its tamara they don’t keep secrets from each other

o   STUDY SESSION AT THE GABLES FRIDAY AFTERNOON (they all in the same regular algebra class cause theyre gay and therefore not great at math):

§  t: yo btw have you guys dealt with the whole “youre dating” rumor? if anyones been giving you a hard time tell me so I can eliminate them off the face of the earth

§  c: actually, aaron and I are just gonna roll with it

§  t: wait. youre actually gonna date?

§  c: NO no no no we’re gonna fake date. scam the fuck outta the school also it’s a bit too awkward to go back on it now for me so

§  t: (turns and gives aaron a Look cause she knows this fuckers been pining forever) are YOU on board with this?

§  a: (busies himself with his hw to hide his blush) yeahsurewhynot

§  t: (looks up and shakes her head) this is gonna end badly, calling it now

o   t: math is acephobic. im asexual and its inconveniencing me

·      Saturday! aaron goes over to the hunt household to hang out like he usually does

o   alastair loves him

o   alastair: so when did this happen?

o   call, who is sitting knee-to-knee w aaron on the couch like he always does: when did what happen

o   alastair: (gives him a Look) the watsons came in this morning. Brenda told me the news, im just surprised you didn’t tell me

o   call:…..what news…….

o   alastair: you two are dating, right? which im totally fine with btw, i had a boyfriend back then too, and im really happy for you, youre both mature enough that I don’t have to give the whole speech—

o   call and aaron are looking at each other in Horror

o   call: OKAY THANKS DAD WE’RE GONNA WALK HAVOC NOW BYE (nyooms outta the house with aaron and havoc in tow)

o   out in the park

§  c: so I guess we gotta find out how to sell this whole (gestures between himself and aaron) thing

§  a: (snorts) thing?

§  c: yeah thing. if my hermit dad knows, then we can assume just about everyone in town knows too. which is not the idealest

§  a: why’s that?

§  c: cause then we gotta act all coupley to everyone or else they’ll be like “wait a minute…are they really dating??”

§  a: well, not with everyone. tamara knows

§  c: yeah, that’s one person in a whole townful of people

§  a: we spend the majority of our time with tamara though

§  c:….point. we still gotta sell it to everyone else

§  a: it cant be that hard, just hold hands a little here, drop some compliments there

§  in reality aaron doesn’t wanna do Big Couple Things or else he might literally spontaneously combust. its possible, hes read abt it

§  c: oh come on, no one gonna buy that. we gotta pull out all the stops

§  a: (cursing silently) like?

§  c: hugs. general lack of personal space. kiss on the cheek, maybe. pet names.

§  a: (calming his crazy heart) oh. I see.

§  c: as long as youre alright with it, of course! I don’t wanna do some creeper shit and like accidentally assault you

§  a: nonono I get it im alright with it. (pause) we should uh..have some signal, though

§  c: signal?

§  a: in case one of us goes too far or something. nothing too obvious, but just obvious for us to notice

§  c: hm. ok, how bout asshole?

§  a: (bursts out laughing) asshole????

§  c: (grinning) yeah, asshole. I never call you an asshole, you never call me an asshole. so if you say “youre a bit clingy there, asshole” I know I should back off

§  a: that- that hardly sounds affectionate

§  c: well duh you gotta say it in an affectionate way. like this (sticky sweet voice, batting eyelashes) “asshole”

§  a: (still laughing) okay. asshole it is.

§  theyre both quiet ntil aaron speaks up. “I do have one request”

§  “which is?”

§  “this is gonna sound weird, please don’t ask but…don’t kiss me. not unless I tell you to.”

§  call looks at him like ??? then says “sure, man. nix on smooches. you wish you had a taste of these bad boys, though.”

§  aaron turns away bc hes a blushy boi. “youre making it weird.”

·      Monday rolls in

o   call is in Zombie Mode making himself coffee on his antique expensive coffee machine (the best Christmas gift ever thanks alastair)

o   alastair, making pancakes: shouldn’t you bring an extra to school today?

o   sleepy call, pouring himself a solid triple shot of espresso: whaddya mean

o   alastair: if youre gonna be dating aaron, you gotta treat him right. bring out the big guns, you know

o   call, suddenly wide awake: what????

o   alastair: I will not have that boy deprived of real boyfriend privileges

o   so call leaves his house with two coffee cups

o   he walks over to where he knows aaron is at the time (music room, playing piano)

o   before he heads in he looks inside and just. stares at aaron playing the piano. gay descriptions galore

o   aaron hits a wrong key and swears

o   c: well that’s a big word

o   a: (practically jumps out of his seat, swearing again)

o   c: and that’s an even bigger one

o   a: oh, its you. good morning, call

o   c: morning, snookums

o   a: (smiling tentatively) snookums? is that really the best you can do

o   c: that’s just scratching the surface, and also its Monday morning so im not at my peak. anyway i brought you coffee

o   a: thanks. already “pulling out all the stops” I see

o   c: I plan to be an especially doting boyfriend (glances at the door, sees a few people staring at them) I..gotta get to my locker (kisses his cheek, aaron goes rigid, call whispers at his ear) we got an audience. see you at lunch

o   aaron sits there for a while after call leaves staring at the ceiling and asking himself why

·      lunch in the magisterium high caf

o   jasper: I JUST—I STILL DON’T GET IT

o   aaron, biting calmly at his sandwich: what don’t you get

o   jasper: there are at LEAST a dozen guys in this school ready and willing to go out with you and you go with CALL

o   call, resting his head on Aarons shoulder, much to Aarons chagrin: its ok dude you can just say youre jealous

o   jasper: YEAH A LITTLE. Aarons like…the best catch out here. the golden boyfriend. the guy that would tell your parents “yes sir ill have him back by nine thirty sharp :)”

o   aaron: I wouldn’t say that to alastair

o   call: yeah you would (turning back to jasper) who are these dozen guys? I gotta know whos planning to fight me so I can know their weaknesses beforehand

o   jasper: kai hale, for one

o   aaron: hmm. he is kinda cute

o   call: HEY

o �� jasper: definitely cuter than hunt

o   aaron: is there something particularly wrong with call?

o   jasper: OPEN YOUR EYES HES A TRASH MAN

o   call: takes one to know one

o   aaron, shrugging and finishing his sandwich: maybe I like trash men

o   call laughing his ass off, jasper groaning: youre killing me, stewart. youre literally causing my cells to stop functioning

·      study hall w aaron and tamara

o   t: (has been frowning at him for the past 10 mins)

o   a: okay you clearly want to talk about something so out with it

o   t: are you sure about this thing with call?

o   a: what, the dating thing?

o   t: the fake dating thing

o   a: right. its fake. yeah im fine

o   t: we both know that’s a lie, aaron. we don’t lie to each other

o   a: (sardonically) yeah well. ive been lying to him since we were freshmen

o   t: having a crush isn’t lying, per se, but that’s besides the point. im worried about you, man. I don’t want call to hurt you accidentally, and then consequently be hurt himself by not knowing how he hurt you, cause then ILL be hurt by best friend collateral drama

o   a: I get it, tamara

o   t: then I reiterate: are you sure about this?

o   big internal monologue

o   a: yeah. im sure.

·      INSERT SLOW BURN

·      CARNIVAL

o   it’s the fall festival since its October theres pumpkins everywhere and haunted houses and candied apples and hay bales and rides and its lit

o   the iron trio+jasper go always

o   theyre walking around, aaron looking at the decorations, tamara call and jasper arguing abt which haunted house to visit first

o   c: the mansion is the obvious choice just sayin

o   j: but theres a haunted hospital ffs

o   c: ive been in enough hospitals to know for a fact that they are all haunted so that doesn’t excite me as much as a MANSION

o   t: how bout…we happy medium at…the graveyard one

o   a: how bout we don’t go to any of those and just go to the roller coasters instead

o   t: aaron, I love you, but youre a weenie sometimes. you can wait outside if you don’t wanna go

o   a: im not leaving you guys alone! (catches calls eye, glances at jasper, call nods a lil, aaron drapes his arm round calls shoulders) who am I to let my boyfriend into that scary place alone?

o   c: (smiling and rolling his eyes) its not that scary, but I appreciate the offer, sugar

o   aaron? oh yes he is dead

o   j: (GAG) youre going to give me diabetes with all these sweets

o   t: (mischievous smile) I dunno, jasper. ever since they started dating they’ve been acting kinda the same as always

o   aaron Tenses, call raises an eyebrow at him then turns to tamara

o   c: what were you expecting, rajavi? showers of pda everywhere?

o   t: oh come on, if any one of us is going to be That Couple its you two.

o   a: LOOK THERES CARAMEL APPLES OVER THERE (nyoom)

o   turns out the haunted whatevers are not open yet, they open at nightfall, so they head to the roller coasters

o   surprise surprise call hates roller coasters

o   “if I die I want you all to know that you are not written into my will therefore I owe you nothing”

o   hes clinging to aaron the whole ride and aaron is like if theres a god up above…….

o   then they reach the hay bales and jaspers like “im gonna head over to the bumper boats w tamara you guys can wait here or do whatever I guess”

o   “we’re just fine going with you guys??”

o   jasper looks at call weirdly and says “um, no youre not. you lovebirds need some alone time. get your 10 things I hate about you on in these haystacks.”

o   they get redder than the ripest tomatoes

o   t: UHHH HES RIGHT BYE GUYS (N Y O O M)

o   they just stand there awkwardly for a while when call says “wanna head over to the carnival games” “please”

o   they walk over to the game area in a kinda uncomf silence until aaron breaks it

o   “what did jasper mean by 10 things I hate about you?”

o   call stares at him “are you serious right now”

o   aaron looks at him meaningfully

o   “oh my god. oh my god. have you never watched 10 things???”

o   “no?”

o   “oh my god. dude. its just like star wars all over again. we’re watching it, no excuses.”

o   aaron smiles at him “okay. whats it about?”

o   “well if I tell you that ruins the whole goddamn surprise, doesn’t it, pumpkin?”

o   he laughs. “it does, doesn’t it.”

o   they get to the carnival game: the hammer game. the biggest prize is a huge stuffed monkey

o   aaron turns to call grinning and calls like “you do know this game’s rigged right. theres no way you can win.”

o   but of course. aaron wins.

o   call is just gaping at him and whispers “you fucking beefcake you.”

o   aaron says “here’s your prize, boyfriend” and fucking winks

o   is call dying? we don’t know this aint his pov

o   c: it looks like you

o   a: thanks

o   call suddenly looks behind aaron with wide eyes and grabs Aarons hand so Aarons brain goes like WHAT…..

o   “heads up,” call whispers, “group of classmates at eight o clock”

o   AY ILL KEEP WRITING LATER GOTTA ACTUALLY START OR ELSE I NEVER WILL

·      call and tamara have always attended every one of aaron’s soccer games, but for some reason this one felt different

o   theyre cheering frm the side with their banners as always (banners say STEWART FOR SOCCER GOD and LUCKY NUMBER 8 and most recently THAT’S MY BOYFRIEND!!! maybe that last one makes this different)

o   its also rainy as heck the banners had to be laminated this time (do not underestimate being friends w a rich kid)

o   they both in they raincoats while Aarons in full soccer gear in the RAIN rifp

o   but the team is falling behind so theyre like FUK OUR CHEERING ISNT WORKING WHAT WE DO

o   at halftime

§  t: lets get the fuck down there we gotta give him a pep talk

§  c: what r we gonna say

§  t: HELL IF I KNOW LETS JUST DO IT

§  so they head down to where aaron is sitting, drinking from his water bottle

§  c: cant you just tilt your head back and stick your tongue out in this weather

§  t: shut up. aaron we are here to peptalk you. (INSERT PEPTALK IDK HOW TO PEP)

§  exit tamara

§  a: (wince) we’re that bad today, are we

§  c: yeah youre kinda sucking

§  a: well that’s not the supportive boyfriend comment I expected

§  c: doting. I said I was going to be doting, not supportive. and definitely not a liar

§  a: whatever. tamara’s pep talk helped, so I guess ill get my head in the game

§  coach rockmaple blows his whistle for the team huddle. aaron salutes call with two fingers before standing up to go and then call blurts “ice cream. on me. if you win the game, that is.”

§  aaron stares at him and then smiles. “you’re on.”

§  TEAM MAKES A HUGE COMEBACK AND WINS THE GAME!!!

§  everyones celebrating and grinning and cheering and call catches aarons eye and theyre smiling, smiling, smiling, and suddenly call finds himself right in front of aaron and aaron is cupping his face and its raining and it sounds like something out of a movie and his face is so close and aaron’s freckles are covered in droplets and so are his lashes and call never really thought about it but if he leaned in, tilted his head just a bit, they would be kissing, and call could pass it off as having an audience—

§  aaron pulls call’s face towards him and kisses his forehead, leaning his head to call’s ear to say “you owe me an ice cream.”

§  and call’s heart all but leaps from his body, he feels lightheaded, and aaron looks fucking beautiful like this, his eyes alight with triumph and joy and something else

§  he doesn’t think till he gets home that wanting to kiss aaron for real wasn’t part of the plan.

·      they first kiss at a party cause everyones like KISS KISS KISS so call (lightly drunk) cups Aarons cheek and leans in. aaron.exe has crashed is not working holy fuck this is the best thing ever and all those gay ass descriptors. everyone cheers in the bg

o   call is dronk, aaron is driving him home, call is being supper chattery and super flirty (think: drunk Laurent)

o   alastair is sleeping so aaron has to make sure call is quiet when going to his room

o   a: (a lil breathless cause hes basically carrying call) be quiet, your dad is sleeping right there

o   c: (winking with both eyes) what do I get in returnnnnn

o   a: oh my god

o   aaron finally gets him to his bed, drapes him on it and tucks him in, hes about to lean away when call grabs his shirt collar to keep him there

o   “aren’t you gonna give your fake boyfriend a proper goodnight?”

o   AARON.EXE HAS CRASHED HE IS DEAD HE IS GONE GOODBYE

o   “youre drunk. i—we can’t—youre not yourself right now. goodnight.”

o   “mm. alright. you owe me a kiss, though.”

o   aaron huffs. he cant breathe right. and just because its 3 am and hes feeling reckless after kissing him tonight and call’s just about asleep and he probably wont remember this in the morning, he whispers, “sure.”

·      THE BREAK

o   Aarons leaning on his kitchen counter, trying to look casual but ultimately failing. call has a sneaking suspicion as to why hes acting this weird but by god he will not say it. its too embarrassing on its own.

o   “so.” aaron says. “you kissed me last night.”

o   fuck. dammit. “did i?”

o   “yeah, in the middle of the party. everyone was watching.”

o   call spots himself a loophole and hell if he doesn’t take it. “sweet. looks like drunk me was up for a show.”

o   “what do you mean?”

o   “well, it was a full party. this whole thing is build on other people believing we’re together

o   “’sides. it’s all just fake anyway.”

o   aaron stops, his hands fists. “right,” he croaks. “its all fake.”

o   “dude…you okay?”

o   “yeah. yeah im fine.”

o   “don’t lie to me aaron, i can see youre upset. spit it out.”

o   aaron takes a deep breath and quickly says “is it really all fake?”

o   call freezes. his mind replays last week’s game, and the subsequent breakdown he had because he likes aaron. and fuck. fuck. he swore he was being quiet about it.

o   “yeah,” he says after a while, forcing the words out. “it was always fake, that’s the idea.”

o   “lately, it hasn’t felt fake.”

o   call’s stomach drops. “if you ever needed to stop you could’ve just said—“

o   Aarons eyes are closed. “last night didn’t feel fake.”

o   because it wasn’t, because im a shitty human who fell for you and since I did this has all been horrible self indulgence, because I like you and you don’t like me.

o   “well it was, so I don’t know why youre making such a big deal out of it.”

o   call hates the things that come out of his mouth.

o   something in aaron seems to catch fire, his eyes fly open and he’s angry, call has barely ever seen him angry at him. “it’s a big deal for me, you kissed me”

o   “I didn’t—I didn’t mean to!”

o   “then if you didn’t mean to, why did you!”

o   calls head is spinning, he doesn’t know what hes doing at this point. “I was drunk, aaron, people fuck up when theyre drunk”

o   “I told you not to kiss me, but you went and did it anyway, do you have any idea how that felt—“

o   “I don’t, aaron, because I don’t feel the things you feel!”

o   aaron freezes completely, his eyes wide

o   “right. I forgot. sorry. right.”

o   theyre quiet, and call knows he fucked up. he doesn’t know exactly how, but he knows.

o   “I…I gotta go. bye.”

o   aaron slams the door behind him, call hears the car door slam and aaron driving away before he manages to whisper “wait”

o   but its too late. hes alone.

o   well, not alone. havoc noses his waist and looks up at him with huge, worried eyes.

o   “come on, boy. lets go for a walk.”

o   he ends up at the park—the same park he first discussed the thing with aaron. he sits down under a tree and rests his head on his knees, havoc cuddling up to him.

o   he kind of drifts off, loses track of time. his mind is kinda blank right now. he knows that’s probably a shitty coping mechanism but what the fuck can you do.

o   he doesn’t want to do anything right now. he doesn’t want to deal with anything or anyone right now.

o   he doesn’t want to feel anything, because feeling is what got him into this mess in the first place.

o   he’s so wrapped up in his personal void that he doesn’t hear the footsteps behind him until he hears jasper say “you look miserable.”

o   call doesn’t look up. “fuck off, jasper.”

o   he does not fuck off. instead call hears leaves crunching  as jasper sits down next to him.

o   “he’s at tamara’s. been there for the past hour.”

o   “didn’t ask.”

o   “but you wanted to know.” calls quiet at this.

[oakandcirrus]

hello friends it is capitalism prep aka american education rant time.

i just cant fucking do it anymore. i feel like a machine. like im just expected to follow orders and work and work and work until i cant anymore. ive got so many assignments and if i miss one im screwed. i hate math. i dont need to know this math. i cant do basic math anymore. i only know how to factor polynomials and graph polynomials and find the root of polynomials and its all entirely useless. id rather take chemistry again than be in algebra. stoichiometry was easier than this. its gotten to the point where i just dont wanna go to school anymore. i feel done. id rather tear out my fingernails or make myself sick than wake up at 7:30 and scramble to get ready to sit in class and consume and regurgitate information like some mindless word processor. i dont feel like a person anymore. im tired all the time and it takes forever to fall asleep and i cant focus in class because im exhausted and my back hurts or my head hurts or my neck hurts so i dont get work done and it piles up and i get home and i dont do work because ive been ingesting verbal and sensory information all damned day and i need a rest. and that rest turns into all afternoon and evening so i end the day having done nothing and feeling awful about it. im snapping at everyone. constantly on edge, constantly one wrong word from breaking something. i already have a short fuse and i can already go from calm to driving my fist into a wall and most of the time i can keep it in check but im losing my grip. i cant function like this. i really really cant. i can handle one or maybe two assignments a day as long as i get at least one done at school but there are too many things and my ability to do anything is completely compromised. i really dont want to go to school tomorrow. ive never been so drained. so exhausted. ive never totally hated school before because i love learning and i love my teachers (or most of them) but right now i couldnt care less. i want to graduate. i want it to be over. im at my wits end here and the stress has literally only just begun. this is one of the hardest things ive ever done and somehow college is harder? somehow i have to keep going? when does it end? how long am i going to be a slave? till i die? because school feeds right into work. and all we do is work. we work long long hours to be able to pay for basic necessities, and even then we still cant afford it. cant afford medical treatment either. dont have time for hobbies. dont have time for reading or painting or writing or baking. like this is it. we can say a million things about the small joys and that is a meaningful conversation to have, a source of hope for a lot of people. but there has got to be a better way. those small joys are few and far in between, and they arent worth anything if were barely awake, barely functioning enough to enjoy them. they aren’t enough to keep me going the way i am. something has got to give.