#the first time i asked her to maybe be a bit quieter she was super apologetic | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jetblack4realz · 7 days ago

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protector - haymitch abernathy

petrels

masterlist

okay a super narrow poll victory gets protector a bit of a longer chapter today!

your love is awfully convincing in the districts.

warnings: sexualizing, allusions to sa and gross people, spoilers to sotr, age gap of like 3 years

word count: 3.4k

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everything in 12 was awkward. uncertain. tense.

the speech was as horrific as you predicted - making eye contact with the families of the tributes who'd been horrifically murdered within the first two hours of your games as you preached about how wonderful and tragic their little lives were, and how everyone had the capitol to thank for the goodness that came from it.

"and whatever goodness you can find, i encourage you to find it," you said, notecards slack by your side as you looked between the large family of the fifteen year old female tribute and the singular older brother of the fourteen year old male tribute. "we have the capitol to thank for the games, yes. but, we have our communities to turn to for love and support during these difficult times. i hope you're all able to find peace with it, and, um," you glanced at haymitch, letting out a sigh before turning to make eye contact with the dark haired brother of the boy your district partner had killed. "i'm sorry for the part i played in it. i am."

your escort slapped a hand over her eyes and shook her head, the ever gracious mayor taking over the microphone as she smiled slightly at you, a warm, motherly thing that made you feel like that was the right thing to say before you were being dragged from the stage.

"all you have to do is read from the notecards. none of this... this emotional stuff. nothing about district pride, building community, or anything," your escort, nelsie said with a high pitched huff that sounded more like a squeaky toy than anything.

"it's entertaining," you said, brushing her concerns away with a wave of your hand. "and it helps unite panem. everyone knows the districts resent the hunger games, but maybe by making them like me better they'll like the capitol better too."

"oh, yes, because that's going to work." another squeak. "missy, just read from the cards. yes?"

"sure, nels."

the reception wasn't any better. in fact, it was definitely worse.

the justice building was filled with the limited number of government officials and their families, a few scattered more prominent families joining you as well.

and haymitch, of course.

a couple of the young married girls were doing their best to give off capitol impressions, large necklaces around their necks and their hair tied up into large braids with dots of blush brushed onto their cheeks.

you, on the other hand, did your best to keep your stylists off of you. you had minimal makeup, a sleek black dress, and your hair hung naturally - much to the chagrin of your stylist.

"hey, i'm wearing the dress, aren't i?"

haymitch kept an arm around you the entire time, and you could tell the people of 12 were surprised by it. you didn't bother asking why; you knew about his history of being resigned and short with people after the death of his family and girlfriend.

they all probably expected him to be a lonely drunk the rest of his life.

little did they know that you refused to let that happen.

you liked haymitch, more than you cared to admit. he was abnormally kind and thoughtful, and his adamancy about keeping you safe played with your heart a bit.

but even though he kept you tucked in his side and away from wandering eyes in public, in private you were at an arm's length.

he was oddly strict with his personal space when you stayed with him - his door was shut tight and he was always a cushion away from you when you lounged on the sofa. he made you breakfast that morning, slid it to you across the kitchen island and sat there even when you took it to sit at the table.

he was quieter.

it was weird.

now back at the party he'd turned into the capitol rascal again, his smile wide and his eyes glittering with some strange mischief.

but conversation was dull and the music even duller, though there was an extremely skilled violinist who shot you side smiles every so often despite the gentle glare that you'd realized was exclusively shown to haymitch.

there was a lot of awkward conversation that even haymitch couldn't get you out of, and then, finally, you were out of there.

you stayed at haymitch's that night too - the last night you'd have together without fear of being listened to or walked in on.

he went to bed quickly, whispering a quick good night and pressing a kiss to your temple from over the back of the couch before disappearing upstairs.

you didn't bother wandering down the hall to your bedroom, opting to fall asleep on the couch in front of the television that was playing old, cheesy capitol-roms that helped quiet your mind.

you woke up with a blanket over you that you hadn't fallen asleep with.

haymitch made breakfast in the morning again.

and then you were off to district 11.

the peacekeepers appointed as your guard didn't appreciate haymitch being everywhere at all times.

frankly, neither did your styling team, or your escort.

but, they put up with him because of your insistence, and the film director that had been assigned to you kept going on about how young love has been taking over the film industry as of late.

like it hasn't always.

either way, it worked in your favor, and after giving the uncomfortable speech to 12 about their fallen tributes, and a slightly less uncomfortable dinner with the incredibly kind family of the mayor, haymitch left on the train with you.

when you got to district 11 things weren't easier.

the people were tense. the peacekeepers were tenser.

you had haymitch stand behind you as you gave your speech, his knuckles brushing over yours as he gave you a supportive nod before finally stepping to the side and letting you speak.

the tributes' families wouldn't look at you and you couldn't blame them. you'd watched the other careers murder their little ones.

both fourteen, both skin and bones, both with gentle smiles and naive excitement about being in the capitol.

the boy had been the first dead in the bloodbath. the girl followed only moments after.

your district partner had decapitated her.

blood. there was so much blood.

and screaming. everyone was screaming.

from terror, from fear, from excitement and vigor.

the tributes from 2 were ululating some terrifying war cry as they pursued the youngest of the group.

that's when you ran.

you were supposed to be a career. you'd agreed to alliances. you'd promised your district partner you would use your skills to help him and the kids from districts 1 and 2 - you had a lot of them.

you thought you could do it.

you couldn't.

so you ran.

far away from the cornucopia, from the screams.

straight into the desert, convinced that the heat and dryness and lack of water would kill you before someone else could, before you'd have to kill anyone either. after all, you were from district 4, a lack of water was practically a death sentence in your sponsors' eyes.

nelsie pulled on your sleeve and you looked up, blinking as you tried to get your breath back.

"i'm sorry," you breathed out as you faced the crowd again, plastering a smile on your lips. "sorry, just, um - anyways."

when you beelined for the train after you finished, the peacekeeper captain stood in your way, eyes narrowed at you.

mags came up behind you, but you couldn't hear what she was saying.

everything was a haze.

you needed to lay down.

haymitch was there suddenly, and he was angrier than you'd ever seen him.

mags' hand was on his shoulder, pulling his arm down when he moved to push the captain out of the way. he nearly decked him.

finally, the man moved, but the cameras saw the whole thing.

in an attempt to save face the peacekeeper was called an agitator and haymitch was in the news with the headline of: "victor abernathy defending his love".

you were barely in the video, haymitch's body blocking you, but you looked... dazed. hazy.

it sat wrong with you.

haymitch was more attentive after that - not that he hadn't been already.

as you continued on through 10, 9, and 8, he always had a hand on your waist or your arm, his eyes on you constantly, and he was always mumbling some sort of reassurance.

your individual rooms only had twin beds, to your surprise and annoyance. but even with that, you found yourself leaving your room to join haymitch in his after nightmares.

"i'm sorry," you mumbled, wiping away a stray tear from your cheek as he shook his head, scooting back and patting the mattress. his eyes were half-lidded with sleep as he made room for you.

"it's okay. i get them too," he whispered when you'd finally settled comfortably in his arms, his back practically against the wall as he pulled you into his chest.

"do they ever go away?" you asked quietly.

he considered the question, sighing into your hair. "no, honey. no they don't."

you laid in silence for a few minutes before either of you spoke again.

"i caught a peacekeeper in my bathroom this morning."

"what?" he asked, leaning back to look at you with knitted brows.

"after my shower," you said. "i reached for a towel and saw him in the mirror. it looked like he was trying to write something on the mirror, but when i yelled he ran off."

"you're not staying alone anymore," he told you. "you'll stay with me or i'll stay with you. in the capitol too."

"there've been no real notes, just whatever he was writing."

"doesn't mean you're not going to get any, and obviously there are things at play here we don't know about. you promised we'd keep you safe, remember?"

"i remember." you snuggled further into him, an arm snug around his waist. "i'll stay with you. thank you."

he sighed, squeezing your waist. "always."

you still couldn't sleep most nights, kept awake by the fear of reliving your games over and over. for hours, haymitch would run his hand over your back and tell you random things in hopes of tiring you enough to get you into a near-dreamless sleep, and every night you were grateful it worked.

by the time you made it to district 7, it'd become routine.

"i didn't think i'd ever be on a victory tour again," he told you quietly, his touch soothing as he rubbed your back.

you were tucked comfortably in his arms, legs laced together casually as he held you halfway on top of him.

your heart always sped up nervously when he held you like this, and at the same time it was the most comfortable you think you'd ever felt.

"you don't think there will be another victor from 12?"

he let out a heavy breath, shaking his head against the pillow. "honestly? i'm surprised we've gotten two out in the last fifty five years."

you waited a beat before speaking again. "if i had a choice, i'd like to never have to do this again. be a mentor. watch the games. coach them. attend victory tours. it eats gigi alive having to relive it."

"well, i'm grateful you don't have a choice," he told you quietly. "i think it'll be easier having you there during it all. you've already made visits to the capitol a hell of a lot easier than they ever have been."

you smiled slight and squeezed his torso gently. "you make it all easier too."

in district 6 you realized that your diligent film crew had been filming more than you thought they were.

videos of you leaving haymitch's "private" car covered the news, and a variety of influencers and talk show hosts were discussing it.

"do you think they were sharing a room here three months ago?" caesar asked, leaning towards pressley, a popular social commentator he'd taken onto his show.

"no, caesar, i think this is a new development," pressley answered, her hands crossed over her knees as she glanced between caesar and the audience. "but, i mean, what could we have expected? he's joined her on her victory tour of all things, and the two haven't been seen apart this whole time. their relationship is progressing - and quickly."

"what are you suggesting? that they're going to be engaged soon?"

"i'm suggesting that they could be already."

cue the audience gasp.

"but, why wouldn't they announce it?"

"well, you know how district people work. all of our victors tend to lean towards keeping their privacy - haymitch and mags flanagan being some of them. it's easy to assume that our newest victor takes after her lover and grandmother and they have both chosen to keep it hidden."

"or," caesar suggested with a grin. "they're waiting to announce it until the end of the tour? right here in the capitol?"

"it is where they fell in love," pressley agreed with a nod.

"oh, how sentimental, how sweet!"

"i'm tired of this," you sighed. "can we turn it off?"

"what, you don't want to hear about how we're secretly engaged?" haymitch asked with a laugh.

"no," you answered simply. he relented and clicked the television off, setting the remote back on the side table. "it's ridiculous."

"sure, but it's attention, and that's what we want."

and it seemed you were getting a lot of attention, from all sides of panem.

during your speech in district 4 the power went out.

lights flickering, microphones screeching, screens glitching in and out.

someone slipped something cold and metallic into your hand, and you squeezed it into your palm so no one else would see when the lights finally steadied.

nelsie wrapped up the speech with a giggle and a clap of her hands, and the rest of your district was happy to be done with it. your cousin waved, her bright blonde hair bouncing over her shoulders as her toddler pulled at strands of it, her hulking husband standing behind her with his usual kind smile as you waved back at them all.

and then, of course, you were being ushered away by guards and mags and haymitch.

"gigi," you mumbled as you walked back into the justice building. haymitch was now behind you with his hand on your lower back, eyes scrutinizing as ever as you crowded towards your grandmother. "is this...?"

she took the tiny gold necklace from your hand with a small growing smile as she eyed it. "a storm petrel," she said with a nod. "goodness, it looks just like one your grandfather had made for me before my games. it was his family crest, you know."

she handed you the small bird pendant, which you then passed to haymitch. a furrow formed between his brows as he analyzed it.

"where did you get it, dear?" mags asked you.

"someone slipped it to me when the lights went out," you answered quietly. haymitch's eyes flashed to you before he finally handed the necklace back to you.

"why?" he wondered.

you shrugged. "who knows?"

"do you remember the flanagan motto? what the petrel is for?" mags asked.

you shrugged again, smiling sheepishly. "not really."

"quietly enduring," she told you with a gentle smile. "petrels are resilient little things; the endure all types of storms and troubles out on the sea and yet they always pull through."

you thought then of your grandfather and the adventures he would take you on out on his boat. it was his father's, who was a fisherman by trade and taught him everything he knew, but now instead of fish he would simply take it for a spin and bring his grandkids along.

you remembered him pointing out the small black and gray birds to you. "their feathers look like watercolors."

and then they became watercolors. all the time. there were countless pictures of the birds hung up around your grandparents' house, all painted carefully by your grandfather's steady hand.

painting wasn't common in the districts - most people didn't have the means to purchase the supplies. but, since he was married to a victor, he was always painting.

it was a way for him to escape the struggles of life as a victor.

your grandparents were the unluckiest people in district 4, people always said. they had dated in their teen years before she was reaped for her games at only sixteen. when she returned, haunted by the death of her sweet cousin who had joined her in the games, they married quickly.

your grandfather was eighteen when he was reaped the following year, and so was his youngest sister, who was only twelve. he protected her as best he could, but still she was killed.

he returned to mags and to district 4 a victor, but scarred.

it was then that they decided they would make sure their children were prepared to be reaped should that day come. the trend caught on and soon district 4 was a career district - trained killers who began volunteering for the games for pride and glory.

like your father. your uncle. your cousins. and you.

"that's beautiful," you murmured, looking back up from the pendant to mags. "it matches grandpa perfectly. and you."

"and you," mags answered, pointing a finger to you as you let out a gentle laugh.

"well, someone definitely thinks so," you said, holding up the pendant.

"excuse me, but we're omitting the dinner for tonight."

you three looked forward to see the peacekeeper captain who'd replaced the troublesome one from before, two guards at his side as nelsie skipped towards you.

"back to the train, come come!" she chirped, clapping her hands again and waving you to the side.

you furrowed your brows. "may i ask why?"

"weather troubles," nelsie sighed, shaking her head. "why do you think all the technology was going bonkers? we can't risk not making it to district 3 on time."

"so, we're driving through the troublesome weather?" haymitch asked.

"the only way out is through, as they all say," nelsie said cheerily, waving towards the train once more. "come along now. i'm sure you're all quite tired."

"are we not doing dinner tonight?"

"that's a question for later, dearest."

you didn't get dinner. you all did end up going straight to bed, the battle not worth fighting as you bulleted towards district 3.

"can you put this on for me?" you held out the short necklace to haymitch, kneeling on his bed as he looked up at you.

he took the necklace with a nod. "turn around."

you moved so your feet were hanging off the edge of the bed and your back was to him.

his fingers brushed over your neck as he pulled stray hairs out of his way before carefully placing the necklace over your neck and clasping it at the back.

"there," he mumbled, pressing a kiss to the skin just beneath where the clasp rested.

"thank you," you whispered, reaching back to take his hand - unable to face his lest he see the red coating your cheeks.

he hummed in acknowledgment. then he smacked the wall rather loudly, causing you to jump, and then the lights went out immediately after. his arm wrapped around your middle as he pulled you to the mattress. "time for bed."

you couldn't help but laugh a bit as he pulled the blankets around you both and settled into your side, sighing as his body relaxed completely against you and the pillows.

you knew you wouldn't be able to sleep.

"you think everyone's talking about this?"

he remained quiet for a moment before he shifted, a soft sigh slipping past his lips.

"well, we're definitely getting attention, honey, if that's what you're asking."

"not the kind we need."

he sighed heavily this time, cheek resting on the top of your head. "no. not the kind we need at all."

a beat of silence passed before you spoke again. "how do they expect us to pretend it isn't what it is?"

"they expect us to fear them. they expect us to do exactly as they say when they say it."

"how? why?"

"because every other person has done that for the last fifty years, honey, that's how."

you were quiet again. "except us."

"i think they're figuring that out now."

#haymitch abernathy #haymitch abernathy x reader #haymitch x reader #sunrise on the reaping #thg haymitch #thg sotr

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chvoswxtch · 1 year ago

Note

Hi,

I had a request… I’m currently obsessed with Frank Castle (he’s just so 🥵) and had an idea, it’s not super original so I understand if you don’t want to write it!

A non-binary (they/she) character who is plus-sized and younger than him (in their mid-20s) taking him home to meet her family for the holidays. And she is very insecure and worried about how their family will react. Maybe while there, a family member says something hateful about her weight and/or being non-binary, and Frank goes to comfort/reassure her, and maybe even gets mad and defends her to her family?

Can be smut or just fluff (or both!)

I just thought it would be cute to see his more protective/caring side, mixed with his possessive and angry side. I love that dynamic (:

hello my love!

so i'm not sure if you've watched the bear (i'm still working through it myself) but there's a scene where jon flips a table and goes on a rampage and I just thought that was super fitting for this prompt so I drew a lot of inspiration from that & I hope you enjoy!

I also hope you're having a wonderful day or night wherever you are and that the holidays are being kind to you 🖤

warning: swearing, frank being frank word count: 1.5k

dessert.

It was so quiet in the cab of Frank’s truck, you swore you could almost hear the delicate noise of fresh snowflakes carelessly colliding with the windshield over the dull roar of the heat coming through the vents. The holidays were always a complicated time for you with your family. In the earlier months of the year, there was a welcoming sense of freedom to be exactly who you were without judgment. But when the colder weather started to seep in, so did the impending dread. All you had wanted to do was introduce your family to the man you had fallen in love with, and celebrate your first holiday together in a special way. You had anticipated a little bit of uncomfortable tension, prepared yourself for a few tasteless passive aggressive comments, but you didn’t think it would be this bad.

Bringing Frank home to meet your family hadn’t been the mistake. It was underestimating his protective nature and forgetting the caliber of his restless temper.

Things had already been off to a rocky start as soon as you walked through the door. Everyone’s eyes seemed to be shamelessly sticking to the way your outfit clung to the soft and full curves of your figure. The same outfit that had Frank nearly pulling over to the side of the road impatiently because he couldn’t keep his eyes ahead was currently the topic being whispered about by your aunts. However their attention was quickly stolen as soon as Frank walked in behind you. Their hushed gossip rang loudly in your ears, causing the confidence Frank had built up within you to fizzle out into insecure embers.

He’s so…normal looking. What’s he doing with her?

She’s not a her, remember? She’s…oh I forget what it’s called. Another complicated thing these kids have come up with. I swear it’s something new everyday. I can’t keep up.

He seems much too old for her, and look how fit he is. They seem way too different, there’s no way they’re actually dating.

It only got progressively worse from there. By the time everyone sat down to have dinner, it was like you weren’t even there. Everyone asked Frank a million and one questions, but no one asked you a single thing. No one asked how you were, or how the new job was going that you were so excited about. No one asked how you and Frank met, or how long you had been dating for. Everyone seemed to be trying to figure out the puzzle of what Frank was doing here with you, and eventually, you found yourself trying to solve that exact same riddle. It was almost incredible how your family managed to ruin all the trust and love that the two of you had built up over the past few months. All the promises of reassurance that flowed so easily from his lips seemed to vanish from your memory, and the quieter you got, the angrier Frank became.

He was polite at first, answering the simple questions with appropriate responses, but the more they tried to exclude you from the conversation, the more he tried to aggressively incorporate you into it. His frustration was evident in the way his voice became more rough and coarse, a detail only you were able to pick up on. That should’ve been the first warning bell in your head. But you were so wrapped up in your own insecurities that it didn’t occur to you to reach for his hand under the table to calm him like you normally did when he got worked up. Frank was doing his best to contain his rage at the way your family treated you, but one hateful comment from your alcoholic of an uncle about your weight caused him to erupt.

It all happened so fast, that you were stunned. Your uncle was in the middle of following up his weight comment with an insult about your non-binary identity when Frank suddenly stood and flipped the table out of his way so he could rush forward and strike his fist across your uncle's face. In a split second, everything had descended into chaos. Your mom and aunts were screaming, your father and uncles were trying to pull Frank off your drunk uncle, but they weren’t a match for his strength and tenacity. It wasn’t until you fought your way through them and tugged at Frank’s shirt in a panic that he finally relented and let you drag him out of the house.

For the past fifteen minutes, the two of you had been sitting in his truck where it was parked in front of your family’s house, both of you attempting to calm down. Frank was trying to quell his anger while you were coming down from the shock of what had just happened. The longer you sat in silence watching the waves of snowflakes caress the glass of the windshield, the more uneasy Frank became. Letting out a deep exhale through his large nose, he finally couldn’t take the quiet anymore.

“Look I…I didn’t…m’sorry, alright? Can you just…will you please say somethin’?”

“I can’t believe you flipped a table.”

Frank blinked in dumbfoundment a few times, his dark brows pinching together in the center of his forehead. He was expecting you to yell, to go off on him, maybe even break up with him right then and there, but not to hear you sound so amused about his explosive behavior.

“Huh?”

“That was ‘real housewives’ of you.”

When you finally turned to face him, he noticed the faint smirk on your lips, and that one little gesture eased all the anxiety that had been building up within him for the past fifteen minutes. He let out a puff of air through his lips, looking ahead as he shook his head slowly and glanced at his side mirror while trying to fight the crooked grin that threatened to spill across his lips.

“Yeah well, dinner was dull. Thought I’d spice it up a bit.”

“I’d say you spiced it up a lot.”

Frank turned his head to look over at you, and you could see a faint apologetic twinkle in his eye from the glow of the street lamp above.

“You mad?”

It was your turn to look at him in dumbfoundment. Arching one of your brows, you let out a soft laugh while tilting your head to the side in slight curiosity.

“Am I mad that you stuck up for me?”

“I coulda handled it better.”

Scooting over to the middle seat of the cab, you brought your hand up to gently caress his jaw while staring into his warm brown eyes with a soft smile.

“No Frankie, I’m not mad. I promise.”

Leaning in, you pressed your lips to his in a gentle kiss, letting him feel the sincerity behind your words. You weren’t mad at all. No one had ever been so protective or defensive of you before, and while some would’ve thought his reaction was a little extreme, you knew it was just Frank’s way of showing you how much he loved and cared about you.

“Thank you.”

“For ruinin’ the holidays with your family?”

“Baby, they were ruined before we even got here. And honestly, this is the best holiday season I’ve ever had, thanks to you. You made it special for me. It was probably a bad idea to come here, but I just wanted to show you off. Show them all how happy I was. I thought they would be happy for me-”

“Hey, to hell with ‘em. They don’t deserve to see that pretty smile after the way they treated you. That asshole’s lucky I don’t go back in there-”

“Frank.”

Letting out a soft laugh, you redirected his angry glare from your family’s house back towards you as you pulled him in for another soft kiss.

“Let’s just go home. We can order something in.”

Frank took one last irritated look at your family’s house, letting out a soft grunt of disapproval.

“Goddamn chicken was dry anyway.”

For some reason the frustration coveting his sharp features and the grumpy tone of his voice just made you laugh. Giving his thigh a gentle squeeze, you pressed a soft kiss to his cheek and smiled adoringly at him.

“We can have something else for dinner.”

Frank turned his head to look at you, his gaze wandering slowly up and down your figure before settling on your eyes once more. The ravenous look reflected back at you simultaneously sent a shiver down your spine and filled your lower half with a sense of heat. He reached out to place one of his large hands on your thigh, giving it a firm squeeze as his voice dropped to a husky whisper.

“Think I’m ready for dessert, sweetheart.”

tags: @day-dreaming-goddess @kdogreads @heimtathurs @mars-rants-a-lot @casa-boiardi @fireeyes-on-teller-dixon-grimes @hazallem @avencol @neverlandcity @charmedkim @queenofthenoobs @stilldreaming666 @mattymurdock1021 @bubuslutty @ninejlovebot @purrrfect @pennylovey @firesunflamed @oscarisaacsleftknee @ameliaswife @vane28282 @kmc1989 @messymissy @dark-academia-slut @strawberry1042 @utterlynuts

#frank castle #frank castle x you #frank castle x reader #frank castle x nonbinary!reader #frank castle x nb!reader #frank castle fic #the punisher #the punisher request #the punisher fic

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pdriesta · 20 days ago

Text

CHAPTER TWO

“tripping, falling with no safety net”

pairings —balde x black!barçafemeni player

summary — solana munõz, barça’s newest midfield star, seems fearless on the pitch but struggles with anxiety and homesickness off it. after a rocky first meeting, alejandro balde becomes an unexpected source of support, determined to help her navigate a new city and career. as their bond deepens, late-night talks and shared vulnerabilities blur the lines of friendship, but one thing remains certain—alejandro is determined to make barçelona home for her.

word count — 10k

an — a bit late but i wa super busy today. i hope you enjoy!

masterlist

“you’re not broken, solana. your brain is just used to protecting you. but connection doesn’t have to be a threat.”

her therapist’s voice was still fresh in her mind, soft but firm, the way she always spoke when she was trying to ground solana in something true. they’d been working together for over a year now, but lately, their sessions had centered around barcelona. the move. the loneliness. the sudden heaviness of being surrounded by people and still feeling like she was screaming into silence.

“try starting small,” she’d said during their last video call. “you don’t need to force deep conversations or be everyone’s best friend overnight. just… try asking someone about their weekend. their favorite music. their go-to post-game meal. you’re not building a bridge in one day. you’re just laying a brick.”

so solana had started making lists.

lists felt manageable. lists didn’t judge her. they were a way to prepare, to soften the edges of the unknown.

and now, in the quiet of her shared housing, with no noise but the distant hum of someone walking upstairs, she sat curled over her notebook, repeating her therapist’s words like a quiet prayer.

little things. start with little things.

solana had been trying to take her therapist’s advice seriously.

little things. that’s what she’d said. find one or two small things you can do each day to connect, to feel less like you’re standing on the outside of the room looking in.

so she’d started with lists. simple, harmless things. things to ask. things to say. like cheat codes for being a normal person.

but the page in front of her felt juvenile, almost pathetic. her handwriting looked too neat, too careful, like she was trying to convince herself it wasn’t weird. “ask about family.” “favorite hobbies?” “places to eat near the training ground?” god, it was embarrassing. she wasn’t a child. she was a professional athlete. she shouldn’t need a list to start a conversation with her teammates.

still, it was better than doing nothing. because when she did noth ing, she spiraled.

she blinked down at the paper, the silence in the room making everything feel heavier. her thoughts drifted—back to washington, back to her time with the spirit. it hadn’t been easy moving across the world at seventeen. but there had been croix. loud, dramatic, overprotective croix who’d made her laugh when she wanted to cry. they’d bonded over national team call-ups and the ache of missing home. croix was the kind of person who cracked herself open so everyone else could feel safe to do the same. solana missed her like a phantom limb—missed the way she’d text her the second the roster dropped, missed the way she always had a place on her couch and a playlist queued up before solana could even ask.

things were quieter here.

spain was supposed to be home, and barça was supposed to be the dream. but sometimes, she felt more alone now than she had when she didn’t speak a word of english and was faking smiles at dc airport gates.

she bit the inside of her cheek, staring at her page. maybe this was dumb. maybe she was too far gone to ever be normal around people. maybe—

a shuffle in the doorway pulled her back.

alejandro lingered in the doorway longer than he intended, glancing at solana as she sat at the desk. she hadn’t noticed him at first, too absorbed in her notebook. her hand was poised over the page, and he could make out a few words that made him pause. “ask about family,” “favorite hobbies?” “places to eat near the training ground?”

it didn’t take a genius to figure out what she was writing down—conversation starters. what did she need those for? he thought. it seemed like such an odd thing for someone her age to be writing down, someone who was obviously so talented and capable. he knew she was a great player—he’d seen her on the field, heard the praise from the coaching staff. but here, in this quiet space, it was as if he was seeing an entirely different side of her.

he leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms with a grin. “so, this is your big strategy, huh?” he teased, stepping into the room. “taking notes on how to talk to your teammates? sounds like you’re preparing for an interview or something.”

alejandro didn’t respond right away. he stepped a little closer, arms loosely crossed, his tone light but laced with something careless. “so what, you need everyone to go easy on you or something? you’ll never last here if you need people to tiptoe around you.”

she swallowed, feeling the heat rise in her chest as her palms began to sweat. he’s not being mean, she could tell by his teasing tone, but why does it feel so much worse when it comes from him? the question lingered in her mind. it wasn’t like she had a problem with alejandro, but the way he was looking at her felt like he was seeing something that shouldn’t have been exposed. this wasn’t supposed to be what people saw.

“it’s… not like that,” she muttered, quickly trying to cover the notebook and push it aside. “i just… thought it would help me start conversations, you know?”

there was something in her voice that made alejandro pause, something that felt like more than just awkwardness. he’d seen her around, obviously—on the field, at meals—but in these quieter moments, when she wasn’t performing or in front of anyone, he saw a different side of her, and it made him think. he hadn’t really understood it before, but now, watching her shift uncomfortably in her seat, he couldn’t ignore the nagging feeling in his chest.

he leaned against the desk, trying to push aside the feeling of hesitation building in him. “yeah, I get that. sometimes people can be hard to approach, especially when you don’t know anyone, but that’s part of it, right? you’ve got to just… let it flow.”

solana nodded, but it was clear her mind was somewhere else. the way her gaze flickered to the door and then back to the notebook was enough of a sign to tell him that something wasn’t quite right. “well, I guess that’s true. I’ll figure it out.” her words were too fast, too clipped, and she was avoiding his eyes now. it wasn’t just a matter of fitting in; it felt like something else.

alejandro frowned, a faint unease growing in his gut. he wasn’t sure what it was, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more to it than just being shy or isolated. this wasn’t just about making friends.

he opened his mouth to say something else, but before he could, solana stood up abruptly, her chair scraping against the floor. she looked flustered, her hands visibly shaking as she shoved the notebook into her bag. i have to go, she muttered, almost to herself, as though she couldn’t get out of the room fast enough.

“hey, wait,” alejandro said quickly, stepping closer. he reached out a hand, but solana took a step back, her eyes wide and tense. he noticed the way her shoulders were pulled inward, like she was closing herself off even more. “what’s going on?”

solana’s lips parted as if she was going to say something, but then she shook her head, looking down at the ground. “nothing,” she said, voice barely above a whisper. “it’s nothing.”

but alejandro wasn’t convinced. this isn’t just about a list, he thought, watching her retreating figure as she quickly walked toward the door. he didn’t know what it was, but he could feel the distance between them—an invisible barrier she was building, one she wasn’t letting anyone pass. he couldn’t quite place it, but he knew she was more than just shy.

it wasn’t about the notebook. it wasn’t about the small, awkward conversations. it was something deeper, something that made her pull away like this.

“solana,” he called softly, but she didn’t turn around.

it wasn’t just isolation. he could see that now.

solana’s heart was racing, her mind swirling with a mixture of frustration and embarrassment. the longer alejandro stood there, the more it felt like her walls were crumbling, like he was pushing her further into the corner where her insecurities thrived.

she took a deep breath, trying to steady herself, but it was useless. the tension in the room felt thick enough to suffocate her. alejandro, with his teasing smile, his casual demeanor, didn’t get it. didn’t understand the weight of what he was doing to her.

he doesn’t get it.

“you don’t get to tease me,” she finally snapped, her voice more sharp than she intended. she looked up at him, trying to steady her breathing, but the words had already spilled out. her hands were clenched by her sides, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself. “we barely know each other. and you think it’s funny, making fun of something that I… that I—” she stopped, her throat tightening, as she fought against the knot in her chest.

“i’m not making fun of you,” alejandro said quickly, though the smile had faded from his face. “i didn’t mean—”

“yes, you did,” solana cut him off, the words slipping out before she could stop them. “it’s easy for you to laugh about it. about how I need a list to talk to people. about how hard it is for me.” her voice wavered, and she cursed herself internally, wishing she could hold it together. but the anger mixed with the rawness of it all was too much. why was he making her feel like this?

alejandro stepped back, a look of confusion on his face, his brow furrowed. “look, I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m just messing around. it’s not that serious.”

but to solana, it was serious. it was everything. she’d spent years battling with her anxiety, trying to keep it hidden from everyone, even when it felt like it was eating her alive. and now here was someone—someone she barely knew—pointing out a part of her that felt too exposed, too vulnerable.

“you don’t know what it’s like,” she said quietly, more to herself than to him. “you don’t know what it’s like to need to plan every conversation because you’re terrified of saying the wrong thing. you don’t know what it’s like to be so scared that you might ruin something before it even starts.”

she felt the tears stinging at the corners of her eyes, and she hated herself for it. no, don’t cry. don’t let him see you like this. but the frustration and the helplessness built up until she couldn’t keep it in anymore.

alejandro stood there for a long moment, his gaze softening as he took in her words. maybe he didn’t know, but he could see now that he’d crossed a line. he didn’t know this side of her. he didn’t know how hard it was, how much effort she had to put into just existing around people. how much she fought every day to belong.

she took a deep breath, wiping her face quickly, but she wasn’t going to let him off the hook so easily. he didn’t get to make her feel small. “so no,” she said, voice steady but still raw, “you don’t get to tease me. not about this. not when you don’t even understand.”

there was a moment of silence, alejandro looking at her, mouth slightly parted, as if he was searching for the right thing to say. but solana didn’t wait for him to speak. she was done.

without another word, she turned on her heel and walked towards the door, her heart hammering in her chest. she couldn’t stay there, not with him, not feeling so exposed.

as she reached the door, she heard him call out softly, “solana—”

but she didn’t stop. she couldn’t stop.

the morning light crept in soft and silver, filtering through the blinds in narrow slats that striped the floor. solana lay still in bed long after her alarm had gone off, arms crossed over her chest like she could pin the ache there, hold it in place before it leaked out again.

her stomach twisted at the thought of the day ahead — her first start at the club. her name on the lineup. her chance to prove she still belonged. and yet, all she could think about was him.

alejandro.

how she hadn’t seen his face again after that moment.

how she’d left him standing there with nothing but his silence and her sharp words.

how her voice had cracked, not from anger but from fear, and he’d looked at her like he knew.

she shifted onto her side, staring at the muted shadows stretching across her wall, and tried to breathe past the tightness in her throat. the guilt had crept in slow, sticky. at first it was just the memory of his furrowed brows, but now it was in everything. in her tea gone cold on the windowsill. in the tension in her shoulders. in the way she couldn’t meet her own eyes in the mirror when she finally got up to brush her teeth.

she moved through the morning on autopilot — her hair slicked back and neat, uniform laid out, protein bar barely touched — and all the while her thoughts spiraled.

he hadn’t deserved that.

and if the roles were reversed — if he’d spoken to her like that — she would’ve shut down completely. would’ve stewed in it for days. maybe she was already doing that now. she couldn’t even tell anymore if it was guilt or shame or the bitter, aching mixture of both.

by the time she sat on the edge of her bed, tying her laces with slow fingers, the thought had already taken root.

she couldn’t let it stay like this.

she didn’t know what to say — not out loud. not yet. but there had to be a way.

her gaze flicked to the clock. the men wouldn’t arrive at the training grounds until the afternoon. that gave her time. enough space to slip something into his locker. no confrontation. no awkward tension or stilted apology exchanged in whispers near the lockers. just words. carefully chosen, and hers.

writing had always helped — like untangling the knots inside her chest. maybe it would help now, too.

her hand hovered over her bag for a moment before she grabbed her notebook, the small black one she kept tucked between her cleats and compression sleeves. the one with pages she never let anyone see.

she’d bring it with her. she didn’t know yet what she’d write — but when the quiet came, when the world slowed down long enough for her to breathe, she would sit with it. face it. say the things she hadn’t been brave enough to say before.

and maybe he’d understand. maybe he’d read it and see past her defensiveness. see the version of her that still didn’t know how to let people stay without clawing at the edges.

the sun had climbed higher now, casting the room in pale gold, and her chest felt just a little bit lighter.

she zipped up her duffel. folded the notebook into the side pocket. and walked out the door

it was after practice, when the team had just trickled into the locker room and the air still carried that edge of post-drill adrenaline, that alejandro spotted it. he was sitting on the bench, half-tied boots at his feet, sweat clinging to his skin, lazily checking his phone when he looked up and saw the small piece of folded paper.

his name was written across the front in looping cursive. small. neat. like whoever wrote it had paused to make sure every letter sat just right.

“who’s leaving you love notes, bro?” ferran called from across the room, a towel slung over his neck as he smirked.

“must be that girl from the café,” gavi added, nudging ansu.

but ansu just laughed and said, “nah, it’s probably rosalie. she’s obsessed. can’t take a hint.”

alejandro scoffed, rolling his eyes as he reached for the letter. “she’s not exactly subtle,” he muttered under his breath, not bothering to hide the distaste in his voice.

he expected it to be another joke, maybe even someone being stupid and dramatic. but the moment his fingers closed around the paper, something shifted. the weight of it was wrong—heavier than a silly note, like the kind of thing someone holds their breath writing.

he didn’t say anything as he carefully unfolded it, the rest of the room fading into a dull murmur as his eyes caught on the first line.

dear alejandro—

he stared at the words, unmoving. the way her handwriting slanted gently, the loops in her letters—he knew this wasn’t just some random admirer. it was her.

solana.

he didn’t realize he was holding his breath until his lungs forced him to exhale. no one else said anything now, not when they saw the way his expression changed. he leaned forward, elbows on his knees, eyes scanning each line slowly, methodically, like he was afraid to miss something.

and with each word, the knot in his chest grew tighter.

dear alejandro,

i’m sorry. for snapping at you. i shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. it wasn’t fair, and i’ve been feeling awful about it ever since.

i just… i don’t know how to explain it. i’ve always struggled with things like this—with people, with interactions. i’m not good at expressing myself in the moment. that’s why i’m writing this instead of just saying it to you. i’m not trying to make an excuse for myself, but i need you to understand it’s bigger than just being bad at talking.

i have generalized anxiety disorder. social anxiety, specifically. it’s something i’ve dealt with for as long as i can remember. it’s not something i’m ashamed of, but it does make things harder for me—especially now, being so far from home and from the people i’m used to.

i know it might not make much sense if you haven’t experienced it, but it feels like everything is harder. walking into a room of people, starting a conversation, even small things like knowing when to smile or laugh. it’s exhausting. i replay every interaction in my head, overthinking every word, every look, wondering if i got it wrong.

there was this time when i was a kid—probably around eight—when my mum signed me up for this neighborhood party. she wanted me to “make friends.” i remember standing by the door for half an hour, working up the courage to walk in. by the time i did, everyone was already laughing and playing games, and i just… froze. i wanted to join, but my head kept telling me i didn’t belong there. so i left. and when my mum asked how it went, i told her it was fine. but i hadn’t even spoken to anyone.

it’s still like that, even now. every time i try to connect with people, there’s this voice in the back of my head telling me i’m doing it wrong. and when you teased me—i know you didn’t mean anything by it—but it felt like that voice, reminding me i don’t fit in.

i’m not saying this so you’ll feel sorry for me or treat me differently. i’m telling you because i want to be honest. i want to apologize properly. i shouldn’t have lashed out at you. you were trying to be nice, and i… i reacted badly.

i don’t expect anything to come from this. i just wanted to say i’m sorry and explain myself, even if i don’t know how to say it out loud.

— solana

alejandro read the letter twice, the weight of her words settling over him. he could picture her writing it, probably second-guessing every sentence, maybe even rehearsing it in her head before putting pen to paper.

he folded the note carefully, placing it back on the bench. for a moment, he just sat there, staring at it, unsure of what to do next. she hadn’t left any room for a response, no invitation for him to say anything back. it was just… her truth. laid bare.

but he knew couldn’t just leave it at that.

alejandro hadn’t meant to find her right away. not really. not after everything—after the letter, after the truth she’d laid bare like an open wound. but something pulled him, a tether he couldn’t name, and it led him to the quiet corridor just off the side of the training complex, where the echo of her voice was barely louder than a whisper.

he stopped in his tracks, half-concealed behind the corner. he knew that voice. he knew it even in its softest form now. it was solana.

and she wasn’t alone.

“no, jay,” she said gently, her voice straining in that particular way people used when they were trying not to sound tired. “i’m fine, really. you don’t have to check in every day.”

alejandro’s brows furrowed. jay. the name landed on his chest like a small weight.

he shifted his weight against the wall, one hand still loosely holding the letter she had written him. maybe he should leave. maybe this wasn’t his place. but he stayed rooted, because something in her voice didn’t match the words she said.

“i know you’re busy,” she continued, voice softening. “you don’t have to worry about me. i’m settling in. it’s just… different, that’s all.”

“it’s because you hate change,” the man’s voice replied with easy warmth, a teasing edge to it. it was familiar, practiced—like someone who knew her well.

alejandro felt something twist in his gut.

he watched her through the sliver of space between the wall and the open door. she was seated on the floor with her knees tucked to her chest, fingers absently tracing the seam of her leggings. she smiled at the joke, but her eyes didn’t crinkle. it was a smile that didn’t quite reach the places it used to.

he didn’t know the man on the other end of the call. but he could feel the weight of him in solana’s life. someone who had history. someone whose name made her voice dip a little softer, out of habit more than emotion.

he didn’t know her story, not all of it—but he could guess pieces. he could see them in the way she softened but also seemed far away.

a memory flickered in her mind, far from alejandro’s eyes, but written all over her face.

she and jayden had grown up on the same block. he was two years older, lanky and full of mischief. she had followed him around like a shadow when they were kids, him teaching her how to ride a bike, her swearing to keep his secrets about late-night sneak-outs and hidden candy stashes. their moms were close. their houses were always open.

and somewhere between middle school and late-night high school practices, something shifted. a brush of fingers turned into lingering glances. a prom kiss became summer nights spent curled up on her roof, talking about everything and nothing. then the draft happened—he was picked first over in the the nfl, her hometown hero, and she, a rising star in the nwsl, landed a spot in the same city. they thought that meant they’d made it. like they’d beaten the odds.

but life wasn’t like it used to be. their love, which once felt effortless, was starting to take on the shape of work. phone calls felt like chores. support sounded more like obligation. and the distance—the emotional kind—was harder than any time zone.

“you know i’ll always be here for you, right? no matter what,” jayden’s voice cut through again, soft and certain.

“i know,” she said automatically. “i miss you more than you know, jayden.”

there was a pause. a heavy one. alejandro waited for her to say it—say it back.

“i’ll talk to you later, okay?” she murmured, her voice already far away. “i love you too…”

“always,” came the reply, then the call ended.

alejandro exhaled slowly, not realizing he’d been holding his breath. he glanced down at the letter again, his thumb brushing over the folded crease. what the hell was he doing?

he stepped into the alcove just as she was tucking her phone into her bag, her expression unreadable, as if she’d already packed her heart away too.

her head lifted at the sound of his footsteps, startled. her curls bounced slightly as she straightened.

“oh! alejandro,” she said, a little breathless, but not unkind. “you have a real talent for showing up out of nowhere.”

he held up the letter, fingers curled around its edge. “you left this.”

her entire body tensed. “you weren’t supposed to see that yet,” she said quickly, moving toward him.

“i did,” he said quietly. “i read it.”

something flickered across her face. fear. embarrassment. regret.

“i meant what i said,” she told him, her voice low now, steadier. “but it wasn’t meant to make things weird. i just… i wanted to explain.”

“you did more than that.” he stepped closer, just a bit. “you opened a part of yourself most people never would. i don’t take that lightly.”

she looked down, chewing the inside of her cheek. “i just didn’t want you to think i was… cold. or mean.”

“i never thought that,” he said. “i thought you were guarded. and now… i understand why.”

her eyes lifted to his then, and for the first time since they met, she looked at him like maybe—maybe—he wasn’t just another stranger trying to get too close.

“it’s complicated,” she said finally, almost apologetically.

“so am i,” he replied.

the corner of her mouth twitched. “you don’t even know me.”

“then let me.”

the words hung between them, uncertain but sincere.

she stepped back slightly, the walls going up again—not completely, but just enough to keep him on the outside.

“this isn’t something you want to step into casually,” she warned.

“i’m not casual,” he said. “not with this.”

solana didn’t answer, but she didn’t walk away either.

and that—for now—was enough.

“look,” he said after a beat, shifting the letter between his fingers. “how about we just… agree to be friends?”

her head tilted slightly. her brows furrowed like the word didn’t quite land right.

“friends?” she echoed, the syllables tasting foreign on her tongue.

“yeah,” alejandro said, offering a small smile. “no pressure. no expectations. just… you don’t have to carry everything alone, okay?”

solana stared at him for a moment. something behind her eyes moved—an ache she didn’t show anyone else. she finally exhaled, the tension in her shoulders loosening just slightly.

“…yeah,” she said at last, giving him a faint, tired smile. “friends.”

he held out the letter again, but this time, she took it slowly. their fingers brushed in the handoff—barely, but enough for her to notice.

then, without another word, she slipped it into her bag and walked past him, her shoulder brushing his lightly.

he didn’t stop her.

but he watched her go, the word friends still echoing in his chest—warm and sharp all at once.

the day was already spiraling out of control. solana sat at her locker, her heart racing, hands trembling as she tightened the laces on her boots. her hair, now slicked back into a simple bun, was a far cry from what she had envisioned when she walked into the braiding salon that morning. she’d asked for something intricate but understated, something that felt like her—a reflection of how she wanted to carry herself on her first big match day.

instead, she’d left the salon feeling more like a stranger in her own skin. the braider had done what they thought was best, not listening to her request, and solana hadn’t had the courage to correct them. she’d paid, thanked them, and gone home only to break down the moment she saw herself in the mirror.

she had spent hours undoing the braids, crying through the frustration and exhaustion, and finally settled on this—the ponytail she always wore when things felt overwhelming. it wasn’t what she wanted, but it was functional. reliable.

now, as she sat in the bustling locker room, surrounded by teammates who seemed at ease, solana felt the weight of her anxiety pressing down on her chest. she had barely slept. her mind was running through every possible way things could go wrong on the pitch today.

“hey.”

the voice was soft but commanding, and solana looked up to their captain, alèxia settling onto the bench beside her.

“you good?” alèxia asked, her eyes scanning solana’s face with a mixture of concern and warmth.

solana hesitated, her throat tightening. “i’m fine,” she muttered, though it was clear to both of them that she wasn’t.

“you don’t look fine,” alèxia said gently. “listen, it’s okay to feel nervous. big day and all. but you’ve got this.”

solana shook her head, her voice trembling. “i don’t know. i just… i don’t feel ready.”

alèxia leaned in, her tone steady. “you’re more than ready. you’re here for a reason, solana. the team believes in you. i believe in you. you’ve worked hard for this, yeah?”

solana nodded hesitantly.

“good,” alèxia continued. “then take that onto the pitch. don’t think about what could go wrong. just play your game. we’ve got your back out there.”

before solana could respond, the signal came for them to head to the tunnel. alèxia stood, offering her a hand. “come on. let’s do this.”

solana took a deep breath, letting alèxia’s words settle in her mind as she grabbed her coat and followed her teammates. as they lined up, preparing to walk out, the team offered her small words of encouragement—claps on the back, smiles, quiet reassurances. it was enough to keep her grounded, at least for now.

alejandro sat in the stands with a few of his teammates, the chilly air biting at his skin as he leaned forward, his focus entirely on the pitch. it wasn’t unusual for the senior team to show up for the women’s matches, especially for a season opener. but alejandro wasn’t here out of obligation.

his eyes were locked on solana.

he’d spent the night before watching her highlights—clips from her previous team, moments where she’d lit up the pitch with her creativity and vision. she played as if the game was second nature to her, always one step ahead, threading passes with precision and flair.

but seeing her now, live, was something else entirely.

as the match unfolded, alejandro couldn’t help but notice how seamlessly she connected with rosalie. the two of them moved like they’d been playing together for years, their chemistry undeniable. solana’s touches were clean, her vision sharp, and the way she controlled the tempo of the game was mesmerizing.

“she’s good,” gavi murmured beside him, but alejandro didn’t respond. he already knew.

his attention was drawn to her every move—the way her body language shifted as she gained confidence, the determination in her eyes as she chased down the ball, the slight smile she allowed herself after a particularly well-executed play.

she was something special.

but there was more to it than just her skill. watching her, alejandro felt something he couldn’t quite put into words. an intrigue, a pull. she was a mystery, and he found himself wanting to unravel it.

as the match wore on, alejandro leaned back in his seat, a small smile playing at his lips. solana was proving exactly why she was here. and for reasons he couldn’t yet explain, he was glad to witness it.

the final whistle blew, signaling the end of an intense match that had seen barça femení triumph once again. solana took in a deep breath, her muscles still humming with the rush of adrenaline. the fans were slowly starting to trickle out of the stadium, but the victory felt fresh in the air, as if it was just the beginning of something bigger for her.

“you were amazing out there, solana!” vicky’s voice rang out as she approached, ruffling solana’s hair in a playful gesture. the enthusiasm in her eyes made solana smile, the praise more genuine than anything she could have expected.

“yeah, seriously, you owned the pitch,” salma added, her grin wide and infectious as she clapped solana on the back. “it’s clear why you’re here with us. we’re lucky to have you.”

jana, ever the calm presence, gave solana a warm, knowing smile. “it’s just the start for you. you’ve got this.”

the kind words felt good—better than solana had anticipated. she had been so focused on her nerves about fitting in, about her anxiety regarding her first major match for barça femení, that she hadn’t expected such a warm welcome. it was still surreal, hearing her teammates offer such praise. the bond was forming, slow but steady, and for once, it felt right. maybe she belonged here after all.

“so… what’s the plan?” solana asked, trying to steer the conversation toward something lighter, eager to shift the energy after the intensity of the match.

vicky’s eyes gleamed. “we need to celebrate, don’t we?” she said with a teasing smile. “karaoke. definitely karaoke.”

“karaoke?” salma’s voice was already full of excitement, and solana couldn’t help but laugh at her enthusiasm. “count me in.”

“it’s not a celebration until we’re all embarrassing ourselves on stage,” jana added with a mischievous grin, already imagining the chaos they’d get up to.

solana smiled, feeling a bit of warmth settle in her chest. “sounds good to me. let’s do it.”

but just as the plan started to take shape, salma’s face lit up, and she exchanged a sly look with vicky. “wait,” salma said, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. “you know who would make this even better? the senior guys. especially those who were watching today.”

vicky smirked, already pulling out her phone. “oh, you mean alejandro, right?” she asked with a knowing grin, like she was already imagining the scene.

solana’s stomach tightened at the mention of alejandro. of course he was here, she thought to herself. of course he’d be invited.

“i’ll message him,” salma said, her fingers already typing. “why not? we’ll make it a celebration for all of us.”

“god…” solana muttered under her breath. she hadn’t expected the guys to be part of the plan, but before anyone could ask, she quickly shook her head. “it’s fine. we can just have fun tonight. with everyone.”

the plan was set in motion, and as the group began to file out of the locker room, solana’s anxiety began to creep in again. being surrounded by her new teammates—her peers—was one thing. adding alejandro into the mix, though? It made her feel like there was something heavier in the air. But she didn’t want to back out. not tonight. Not when the atmosphere was so light, so carefree.

alejandro, who had been standing a few feet away, watching the girls laugh and chat, noticed solana. their eyes briefly met, and for a fleeting moment, solana felt his gaze on her, calm and measuring. she could tell that he was studying her—just like before. it wasn’t the first time she felt like he could see straight through her walls.

he approached her slowly, his presence almost soothing as he leaned casually against the wall nearby. “you don’t have to go if it makes you uncomfortable,” he said softly, just loud enough for her to hear. “i know it’s a lot.”

solana felt her heart flutter uncomfortably, but the kindness in his voice was hard to ignore. why did he have to be so… understanding?

“thank you,” she said, her voice steady but carrying a hint of hesitation. “but… for once, i want to try. get to know my teammates. this is… different. i need to do this.”

he paused for a beat, looking at her with an unreadable expression. then, slowly, he nodded. “alright, but if it gets to be too much, don’t hesitate to let me know.”

solana nodded, though the anxiety still lingered beneath her calm exterior. she appreciated the gesture, truly, but she wasn’t sure why he had to make it so hard to simply move forward. she forced herself to smile.

“thanks, alejandro,” she replied, before glancing away, not wanting to dwell on the interaction for too long.

she nodded, offering a small smile. “yeah. i think so.”

“good,” he said, then added, “because i expect a duet later.”

she looked up at him, her eyebrows lifting. “with you?”

he smirked. “obviously. don’t leave me hanging when i do ‘beso.’ yo u need to be rosalia.”

solana laughed, eyes softening. “you’re insane.”

“a little,” he admitted, “but you’re smiling now. so. it'll be worth it”

and just like that, she was.

rosalie, who had been observing them from the corner of the room, noticed the silent exchange. while she didn’t say anything, a small smirk tugged at her lips. she’d been keeping an eye on the way alejandro looked at solana—and the way solana avoided his gaze when they spoke. it wasn’t lost on her, but she wasn’t about to bring it up. not yet.

the group of teammates began to trickle out into the cool night air, and they made their way to the karaoke place, their voices and laughter filling the streets around them. solana could feel the sense of camaraderie settling in as they walked together—this was what she had wanted. The whole team, unified and enjoying the moment.

as they arrived at the bar, solana was greeted by a handful of the senior players. pedri, gavi, fermín, and lamine were already there, chatting and laughing with the girls. cubarsi, the quieter member of the group, gave solana a shy smile and nodded in greeting. she could feel their warm reception, and despite the butterflies swirling in her stomach, she did her best to match their energy.

the interaction was brief, but in that short exchange, solana felt the gap between her and the team start to close. the guys were welcoming, their laughter genuine, and it helped her relax. maybe this could work, she thought. maybe she could fit into this new world after all.

as the night wore on, with music blaring and voices singing out of key, solana felt herself easing into the moment. alejandro, however, was never too far from her line of sight. he was always there—standing just a little too close, his gaze a little too sharp. and yet, for once, she didn’t mind.

by the time the group trickled out of the karaoke bar, the night had become a blur of laughter, new connections, and the fading uncertainty she’d walked in with. solana didn’t know where things were heading with her teammates, with alejandro, or even with herself, but tonight, she wasn’t going to let those questions get in the way.

she was here, she was present, and that was enough for now.

the karaoke bar buzzed with neon lights and the screech of someone belting out a bad britney cover. the booths were packed, drinks half-finished and microphones passed around like candy. solana sat curled at the edge of the plush leather booth, her fingers tapping nervously against a half-empty glass of coke.

someone called her name — maybe fermín? — asking if she was going up next. she shook her head quickly, shrinking back a little. “not yet,” she murmured, eyes darting around the room.

everything felt louder than it should’ve been — the bass under her skin, the heat in the air, the sharp bursts of laughter.

then, out of nowhere, vicky and salma appeared in front of her, grinning like wolves.

“come on, solana,” salma said, grabbing one of her hands.

“you don’t get to sit out,” vicky added, snatching the other.

“wait— what are we—?”

“sza. ‘love galore.’ us. you. now.”

before she could protest, they were pulling her up to the stage, past cubarsí trying to act like he wasn’t singing along to shakira, past pedri and lamine doing some sort of fake tango.

“guys—” she started, voice small, but then the intro kicked in and salma was already swaying like she’d rehearsed it a hundred times. vicky winked at her and leaned into the mic, lips moving in perfect sync with the lyrics. and solana — god, she should’ve been nervous, should’ve been trembling — but all she could do was laugh.

salma's voice cracked on purpose during her verse, and vicky shoved her gently with her shoulder, both of them spinning like fools. solana couldn't help it. she joined in on the chorus, giggling through the lines, arms around her friends as they crooned and stumbled their way through it together.

and for a second — just one soft second — she forgot to be scared.

she forgot to be small.

in the middle of the room, alejandro sat half-turned, rosalie wedged between him and gavi, who kept throwing popcorn back and forth and bickering. “you’ve got no taste, rosalie,” gavi was saying, “you just like any girl likes popl.”

“shut up, i said i like what i like. bettee than your playlist full of heartbreak and delusion.”

“that’s rich coming from you.”

“guys,” alejandro interrupted, pushing rosalie's her hand resting conveniently close to alejandro’s thigh. “please shut up”

alejandro didn’t wait for their respond. his eyes were locked on the stage.

on her.

solana’s head was thrown back as she sang the last “why you bother me,” laughter spilling from her mouth as vicky tried to harmonize too dramatically. there was something in the way she moved — unsure, yes, but free.

and he couldn’t look away.

the song ended in a mess of giggles and a loud cheer from fermín, who yelled, “grammy-worthy!” and salma bowed dramatically. solana slipped back toward the booth, cheeks flushed, landing beside jana with a breathless smile.

but the room didn’t shrink back to quiet.

it stayed loud.

too loud.

too many voices overlapping, too many songs colliding, too many looks being passed like secrets she didn’t understand. and suddenly, solana’s mind was racing.

was my voice okay? did i sound weird? they were laughing— but at me? did i look stupid? am i trying too hard? do they even want me here?

she stood up quickly. jana asked something, but solana just gave her a small smile and murmured, “restroom,” before slipping away

in the restroom, she gripped the sink, cold water dripping from her fingers as she stared at herself. her braids had frizzed slightly from all the movement, and her lip gloss was mostly gone. god, you’re trying too hard, she thought bitterly. they can tell. they all can.

when she finally pushed open the door, she didn’t expect to run straight into someone — warm, solid, and familiar.

“hey,” alejandro said, steadying her with both hands. his voice was low, almost gentle. “you okay?”

she opened her mouth, but only managed a small nod. he didn’t push, just glanced toward the side door that led out to a set of steps and gave her a tilt of his head. “come on.”

they sat outside where the air was crisp and the streetlights painted everything gold. silence settled between them, not awkward, just quiet. he didn’t fill it, and she was grateful for that.

after a moment, he said, “you were amazing up there.”

she let out a small laugh, self-deprecating and tired. “you’re just being nice.”

“i’m not,” he said simply. “i didn’t take my eyes off you.”

solana glanced at him, squinting. “you sure about that? rosalie was practically in your lap.”

he laughed under his breath, leaning back against the wall. “i noticed. trust me. but i still couldn’t stop watching you.”

that made her look away, her fingers picking at the hem of her sleeve. “i don’t know. sometimes it feels like i’m trying so hard just to belong. and even then, i still don’t know if i do.”

he shifted beside her, and his voice was softer when he spoke again. “you don’t have to prove anything. not to them. not even to me. you already belong, sol. more than you think.”

her chest tightened. “why do you always know what to say?”

“because i mean it,” he said. “and because i’ve felt like that before too — like you’re on the outside, looking in. but you’re not. not with us. not with me.”

she leaned into him then, just a little, letting herself rest against his shoulder. the moment was quiet, peaceful — until the door creaked open.

“alejandro?” rosalie’s voice floated out, sweet and sing-song. “you coming back in? we were gonna do a duet.”

her eyes landed on solana immediately, mouth twitching into something between a smile and a smirk. alejandro didn’t move.

“we’ll be in soon,” he said, calm but firm.

rosalie hesitated, then nodded, offering solana one last unreadable look before disappearing back inside.

solana exhaled and sat up straighter. “i should go in too.”

“you can stay,” he said, not quite meeting her eyes.

“i’ll be fine,” she replied, offering a small smile. “thank you… for this.”

he nodded. “anytime.”

as soon as solana disappeared back inside, alejandro leaned back against the cool brick wall, trying to collect his thoughts. the moment with her had felt… right. too right. he hadn’t expected to feel so comfortable, so open, and maybe that’s why when rosalie’s voice interrupted his thoughts, it sent a tight knot through his chest.

“hey,” she said, stepping into his space again, her tone light but carrying an undertone of something else. “what was that?"

alejandro felt his stomach tighten, sensing her closeness before he even looked up. when he did, he saw the glint in her eyes, that practiced smile playing on her lips. he knew she was after something — just wasn’t sure what.

as soon as rosalie’s voice reached his ears again, alejandro paused, not even bothering to look back. the sharpness in her words only made him more irritated. he could already feel the all-too-familiar annoyance creeping up his spine. he wasn’t about to entertain this. not anymore.

“rosalie,” he began, his voice clipped, every word laced with a sharpness he couldn’t hide, “i don’t owe you an explanation.”

she stepped in front of him, blocking his path as he tried to continue toward the door. “really? because it seems like you do.” her voice was dripping with that same condescending sweetness, but alejandro could see the flicker of something else beneath it—frustration, maybe jealousy.

he shook his head, sighing with frustration, unable to suppress the sarcasm. “you know, we’re not together, rosalie. we never will be.” the words tasted bitter on his tongue, but they were the truth, and it felt good to say them.

her expression faltered for a split second, but she quickly masked it with that trademark smirk. she crossed her arms and leaned back against the brick wall. “keep telling yourself that, alejandro. i’m sure you’ll believe it when you’re lying in bed at three in the morning and need someone.”

he scoffed, his tone sharp and unapologetic. “don’t act like you’re the only option, rosalie. you’re not. we've just known each other a long time”

she raised an eyebrow, her smirk never leaving her face, but the edge in her voice grew colder. “oh, i’m not? well, maybe you’re just too scared to admit it.”

he was done with the games. he was tired of her constantly making things complicated when it was simple. “get over yourself,” he snapped, his voice low but biting. “don’t mistake my politeness for something more. it’s just that—newsflash—you’re not the center of my world. and i’m not here for this back-and-forth.”

rosalie blinked, stunned for a second, her smug attitude faltering as she realized he wasn’t playing along anymore. but before she could respond, alejandro had already pushed past her, his steps firm, his mind made up. there was no more room for her in his life, not like this.

as he walked away, rosalie’s voice cut through the night air again, but he didn’t stop.

“fine,” she said, her tone bitter now. “keep telling yourself that when you’re all alone.”

alejandro didn’t respond, didn’t give her the satisfaction. he just walked into the bar, his focus back on solana, even if the weight of rosalie’s words lingered for just a moment longer.

after karaoke, the night had blurred into a whirlwind of laughter, off-key singing, and the sound of her heart beating a little faster than usual. solana had managed to keep it together, despite the wave of insecurity that threatened to wash over her at times. the overwhelming mix of voices, the spotlight in front of her, and the strange sensation of fitting in with people who had once seemed so distant—it was all a lot.

she woke up the next morning to a dull ache in her head. a migraine, the kind that made everything feel like it was too much. the kind that came after a night where you gave everything you had, only to realize your body had reached its limit. but the ache, as horrible as it was, felt worth it.

the light from the window seeped through the blinds, casting long shadows across her bed as she rubbed her temples. she glanced at her phone, where a new notification caught her attention.

it was a message from a group chat, something she hadn’t expected to wake up to. her thumb hovered over the screen, unsure of what she was about to see. the chat name was “the quartet,” and she could already hear the laughter and teasing through the words that were pinging through.

jana: hope you guys are ready for the next adventure! i found us a new place to eat! rosalie: you bet i’m ready for round 2 vicky: let's make it happen! solana you in?

solana blinked at the messages, rubbing her eyes. her migraine was still there, throbbing just behind her eyes, but the sight of the chat made something warm spread through her chest. she had never been one to just slip into places like this. to feel like she was one of them. yet here it was—this little digital group of people she had only just met, now talking as though she’d always been part of it.

salma: no one’s getting out of this one! karaoke queen in the making!

solana smiled, the ache in her head seeming to ease just a little. it was a good feeling. being included. being noticed. for once, it wasn’t just about trying to fit in, but about feeling like she belonged.

solana: sure, I’m in. let’s do it!

as soon as she sent the message, her phone buzzed with more responses.

jana: YES!! I KNEW IT! rosalie: she’s back for more! we’re making this one even better than the last salma: if you back out, we’ll drag you on stage

solana chuckled softly, feeling the headache recede just a little more as the group’s dynamic unfolded. it wasn’t perfect, but it was progress. she felt herself getting somewhere, slowly but surely.

she tossed her phone aside for a moment, sitting up in bed and stretching. despite the migraine, there was a lightness to her chest that hadn’t been there before. the noise from last night was still fresh in her mind, the sensation of being a part of something. it was more than just the night out. it was the beginning of something—friendship, or maybe just the feeling of not being so alone anymore.

the migraine still throbbed in the background, but she couldn’t deny the warmth of the connection she was starting to build with these women. it was hard for her to admit it, but she was getting there.

and maybe, just maybe, she was going to be okay.

the lunch spot was bustling with the sounds of chatter and clinking cutlery, the air filled with the savory smells of mediterranean dishes that seemed to lift everyone's spirits. vicky and salma had disappeared to grab something from the counter, leaving solana, rosalie, and jana to sit at their table. solana tried to shake off the remnants of her migraine, sipping water as she listened to jana and rosalie talk.

but there was something in the air, something that made solana uneasy. rosalie, her usual warm self, had a different energy today. it wasn’t as easygoing, and there was a subtle edge to her voice when she spoke. solana didn’t immediately notice it—she was still caught up in the afterglow of the night and the fact that the group chat felt real—but now that the others weren’t around, rosalie was taking the opportunity to steer the conversation.

"so," rosalie started, her tone light but a little too casual, "how’s everything going with you and alejandro?" she casually stirred her drink, her eyes narrowing ever so slightly.

solana, who had been caught up in her thoughts, blinked at her, surprised by the question. she smiled faintly, unaware of rosalie's more passive undertones. "we’re just friends," she answered, feeling the need to clarify, not wanting anything more to be read into her interaction with him.

rosalie tilted her head, feigning innocence. "oh, just friends," she echoed with a soft, almost sweet smile, her fingers tapping lightly on the edge of her glass. "well, he has a lot of friends, doesn’t he?"

"yeah, he does," solana said, unsure of where the conversation was going but comfortable in the simplicity of her response. "he’s a good guy. he’s cool."

rosalie leaned in just a little, her voice dropping to a softer tone as she spoke. "well, you know how it goes with him, right? he’s... a popular guy. attracts a lot of women, I’d say. so just, you know... be careful."

solana frowned, not quite catching the implication. she glanced at rosalie, her confusion growing. "what do you mean?" she asked, genuinely curious.

rosalie gave a delicate shrug, still maintaining that sweet, almost patronizing smile. "oh, nothing really. just, you know, he’s complicated. you should be aware of how things are. alejandro can be... a bit of a heartbreaker, if you know what I mean."

solana's stomach tightened, but she shook it off. complicated was a word she had heard enough in her life. she wasn’t bothered by it—at least not yet. "we’re just friends," solana repeated, trying to keep her voice light. "nothing more."

rosalie’s smile remained in place, though it seemed to stretch just a little too wide. "of course," she said with a soft laugh. "but I just wanted to say, he’s the kind of guy who keeps his options open, you know? and, well... I just wanted to warn you." she paused for effect, her gaze steady on solana. "he may not be looking for anything serious, so just be careful, okay?"

solana didn’t catch the warning in rosalie’s words immediately. instead, she smiled politely, offering a reassuring response. "thanks, but I’m fine. I know what I’m doing."

rosalie’s smile lingered, almost as if she was pleased with the answer. "oh, I’m sure you are," she said. "just, you know... with someone like alejandro, it can get messy."

as the words lingered, solana felt a slight unease. the conversation was starting to feel heavier than it should have, but she didn’t know why. she tried to brush it off. rosalie didn’t mean anything by it, right?

rosalie leaned back in her chair, her gaze softening as she nodded. "oh wow. i had no idea. well, that’s nice. I’m glad you have someone. really." she smiled a little too brightly. "I’m just looking out for you, solana. alejandro is a... complicated guy, and I know how these things go. trust me."

solana felt a strange weight on her chest, but she shook it off. jayden, she reminded herself. even if the future of her relationship with him was uncertain, she didn’t need to be warned about alejandro. she wasn’t looking for anything complicated, especially with him. the thought of things getting messy at work kept her from overthinking.

"thanks, rosalie," solana said, a bit too firmly, her voice cutting through the tension.

rosalie nodded again, her smile more genuine now, as if relieved that solana wasn't chasing after alejandro. "of course," she said, settling into a more comfortable tone. "i’m just glad you have someone. really. it's important to have someone who’s got your back, you know?"

solana didn’t respond, choosing instead to focus on her food as the conversation turned back to lighter topics. but she couldn’t shake the feeling that something had shifted. rosalie’s words, though wrapped in sweetness, left a strange taste in her mouth, like she had just stepped into some kind of web she wasn’t aware of.

her thoughts drifted back to jayden. it had been a while since she’d really thought about him in the context of their relationship. things were still in limbo, unresolved, but they were something. she didn’t want to admit how much she was clinging to the hope that they could figure it out, but she did.

she glanced up at rosalie, whose gaze had shifted slightly. there was something about the way rosalie was sitting now that felt almost... pleased. as though she had gotten the information she wanted, and that somehow made solana uncomfortable.

"i’m glad you’re happy for me," solana said, her voice just a bit tighter. she picked up her fork, focusing on her food again, though she wasn’t really hungry anymore. "but like i said, alejandro and i are just friends. we’ve only just met."

rosalie smiled more genuinely now, but there was something in her eyes that didn’t match. "oh, of course. i’m sure you two are just friends," she said. "just, you know... alejandro tends to get close to people quickly. not saying it means anything, but... just keep that in mind."

solana could feel the tension rising again, but she wasn’t going to play into it. "thanks for the advice, rosalie. but really, we’re fine," she replied, her voice firm. the last thing she needed was to get tangled up in this.

rosalie’s smile softened, and she nodded, clearly pleased with how the conversation had gone. "i’m sure," she said quietly, almost in approval, and there was a glint of satisfaction in her eyes now.

solana let out a quiet breath, trying to keep her cool. she could feel the undercurrents swirling around her, but she wasn’t about to let them pull her under.

as the conversation shifted again, solana’s thoughts stayed with her relationship with jayden, and the uneasy feeling in her gut. it wasn’t just rosalie’s warnings that bothered her—it was the way things felt in the air now. like everyone knew more than they were letting on, like there were too many layers to this group, to these people.

she hoped she wasn’t overthinking it, but it felt like every step forward was followed by two steps back. and the more she sat there, trying to brush it off, the more she realized she was beginning to feel out of place in this whole situation.

"so, you and alejandroare just friends?" rosalie asked one last time, her voice carrying an almost playful edge. it felt like a test, and solana could sense the shift in the atmosphere. rosalie was enjoying this a little too much.

"yeah," solana replied, forcing a smile. "just friends."

but even as she said the words, something inside her couldn’t help but wonder if that was really true—or if things were just more complicated than she wanted them to be.

she just hoped the complicated parts of her life wouldn’t get in the way of the new friends she was making.

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pbandjesse · 2 months ago

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I think we're all really sleepy today. Not for any particular reason. Like last night wasn't a really tough night. But maybe just the general sleepies are catching up with me. I just can't believe that Sylvie has been with us for two whole weeks! That's wild! Time flies.

It was a quieter day here. I had fallen asleep between Sylvie's 9 and 12 bottles. And the midnight one I was nodding out for. I was just super sleepy. And she seemed to be as well. She didn't even wake up when I changed her! And she hates that! But at least we were all getting rest.

I had some intense dreams. And every time I woke up and went back to sleep a new dream as you would start and it was just a lot. I really struggled to wake up for real. I felt pretty horrible when my alarm went off. I texted James because I felt so weak. They brought me medicine because I thought I just needed to get that process started and things would be okay. And I was right but it was like a good half hour before I felt like a person again. I was just really tired.

I put on my planned outfit and decided it was to cute and should be saved for when Jess is here tomorrow. So I put that away and switched out what outfit I was wearing. And still felt cute and good. I would add tights to the outfit later on. Because it was a little cold today. Another mostly grey day.

I had cereal for breakfast. And the meds helped me feel better. I would do a few things around the house but I would try to not go so hard.

Sylvie was being really sweet today, but mostly she was sleeping. When she was awake she was enjoying staring out the window. I painted my toes. And she was just chilling.

We would move downstairs. And James would leave to get some stuff at the hardware store. Me and Sylvie would hang in the studio. I worked on some bean bears. I found the match for a earring I couldn't find last night. It was a nice morning.

After James got back they would make me nachos and feed Sylvie and then went out for a bike ride. While they were gone I did some cleaning. I cleaned the bathroom. Sylvie is the best baby and lets me leave her in the mat so I can do things. She's great.

I would finish the bathroom and started working on the sculpture cabinet in the studio. It was previously just a catch all but I wanted all the jewelry stuff to join the clay and plaster. And now I can add a lock to the door with all the tiny pieces in there.

I was figuring out where to put the stuff that was in the cabinet originally when James came home. I was happy to have them back and safe in the house. I am really glad we are making sure we each are have time for our own things every day.

The afternoon was nice. I put tights on because I was cold. James asked me if I was going to be good to go at 3. And I was confused because I thought Meril's going away was still 6. But it was at 4! So after Sylvie ate and I fixed my eyeliner, we were off.

We went to the museum first. To show off Sylvie and so James could get the insurance papers to add baby. We hung out upstairs in the offices for a little bit talking to Jesse. And waiting for Jessica to finish pumping so she could get special baby time.

It was nice talking to her about our delivery and baby and stuff. She's a great role model mom for me. She's only a little bit older than me and not has two kids, including one she just had in the fall.

We would walk over to Little Havana and it was so good to see everyone and get to say goodbye to Meril. She is one of my most favorite people so it is tough to see her go. But man. She is going to be so happy in Florida with her family.

It was super fun showing off our baby. Everyone loved her. She was mostly sleeping but we would get some open eye time. We had drinks and snacks and it was just really fun being out for a few hours. I missed our work friends.

We would have to leave around 530 so we could get home for Sylvie to eat at 6. So good he's all around. I ate a handful of nachos and we walked out. With promised to seeing everyone soon (when we come back to work in May).

I am glad we came home when we did. I was starting to feel no good. When we got back here I took my meds. And had some cheese cake. And James fed Sylvie. And I fed Sweetp. And we eased into a nice evening.

James made pizza dough and we put on The Pit. Sylvie has been awake for a while now, just looking around and making "hehehehe" noises. I am real tired. But I am happy. Just tired.

Jess is coming to visit tomorrow. We are going to go to a thrift store. And it will be a good day.

I hope you all have a good day too. I love you all. Sleep well. Goodnight!!

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keepingthehopealive · 2 months ago

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EMDR session 6 (pt 1)

This is just part one because its long but was the first half of the session before we actually tried EMDR. I see her again this week so wanted to get this written down before then and hopefully it helps someone for me to share my experiences

Started with small talk but I was already quiet and frozen which ET commented on. She first commented that I didnt have a drink which I normally did, and then that i was much quieter than normal.

We talked a bit about last month and how I felt like it was a failure. ET brought up the first time she asked for percentages of how much of me wants to get better I said 5% and last time I said 20% so that is big progress. She also mentioned that we tried flash technique again and I cut it down and said I couldnt do it and I failed. ET will say that she knows we have a different view and opinion of things instead of arguing back to my beliefs and arguements. I later asked if she ever tells people that EMDR is not for them or gives up on people (because she is a huge advocate for and super passionate about EMDR and has a lot of confidence in her skills and knowledge in general) and she said people usually come to their own conclusion and decide to leave on their own. So she turned it around on me saying ive continued to show up and try.

ET asked about things with PT since we had talked last time about how the freeze has been tough and weve been stuck and the ways we cycle in our sessions. I talked about her kind and gentle responses being so triggering and challenging for me because a part of me wants it and then theres so much shame with that and the part that doesnt want to need it.

This led to a conversation about needs and not getting them met in the right way when I was young. I argued that I did get enough, its just my problem that it was never enough for me and so I shouldnt need or want it now. She said that it will never be the right thing now but it can be something. Her analogy was that it would be like trying to fill a gas tank with diesel, that maybe it was offered to me but it wasnt the right thing so it would have never worked or been enough. Her approach to it was very nonjudgemental and nonshameful which of course was my feelings and reaction. We tried to do an exercise of just sitting with both the wanting the care, validation and support and also the rejecting that happens and the shame with it. I really struggled with the balance of it because of how strong the shame is and how loud that voice is.

ET asked about anger and if it is something I ever feel. I said only internalized and anger at myself, not with others. She pushed that its likely there, that I just dont express it or feel safe expressing it. She talked about there being felt anger towards the attachment figures who havent met my needs; my mom, K, PT, and even her. She talked about how when we grow up constantly having to protect others emotions, its a normal response to become an internalizer. Weve talked quite a bit about my mom but she made an observation that still kind of took me back with the accuracy of it. She started talking about how my mom is an externalizer and asked if theres any part of me that would want to externalize the emotions, the anger, my needs, in a similar way to the way my mom has and does.

ET asked about my mom as a therapist, at least my interpretation. Which might be valid given im pretty much her supervisor and she has no boundaries. It was funny when I said I think my mom is pretty relational in her approach and ET commented how thats ironic given shes not strong with relationships in her life. This conversation led to us talking about how my mistrust with therapist stems a lot from my mom. ET asked if that would be something that I would want to work on with her and EMDR, and talked about how she believes its important, and contributes just as much as the stuff with K (former therapist), especially since it comes before then. I said that yes I would be willing to do it but that also the hopelessness of us knowing that I wont be able to do it and wont be able to tolerate it. ET had this moment of passion and excitment about it and said she is so down to do this and wants to help me with it. One thing is for sure is she is very very passionate about EMDR and her work.

ET talked about how we could approach it two ways. We could do flaah technique or like a different form of EMDR that would be a little less intense for me to bring the intensity of it down so we could do full EMDR with it, or we could try doing EMDR with something unrelated and not as activating for me to just have the experience of what its like to do EMDR and what its like to bring down the distress with something through EMDR, to have that positive experience wirh it so we can get to this stuff when im more ready. That was what we agreed to do ultimately and it was almost exactly halfway through the session so we took a short break before jumping into it.

#emdr #emdr therapy #parts work #emdr intensive

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elliepassmore · 2 months ago

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A Language of Dragons review

5/5 stars Recommended if you like: historical fantasy, dragons, codebreaking, revolution

Linguistics and dragons? What more could I ask for?! Bonus is that it's historical fiction.

I do have to say, however, that there wasn't actually that much linguistics in this book. I saw a lot of reviewers commenting on how the middle part got linguistically technical and as a linguist...it definitely did not meet my expectations on that front. It was super interesting to read about Koinamens phonetics and I liked how the book went into a little bit of the coding techniques the translators used to discuss the phonetic inventory and lexical items (though there's admittedly a lot of overlap here, 'whistle6' equals an entire word rather than just a sound, whereas /b/ in English is just /b/, there's no lexical meaning attached). I would've loved to get a really deep dive into all of this as well as the syntactic structure of Koinamens. Alas, most of the linguistic talk is around translating rather than descriptive linguistics. Likewise, there's a lot of interpersonal stuff going on during this as well, so there's not as big a focus on it as I'd like.

The discussion of Koinamens is largely couched in terms of codebreaking and less so terms of language, which is actually relevant to the plot (would it be a linguistics book if rhetoric didn't play a role?). However, as a result of this, Viv feels out of her element and at first was rather insistent that languages had nothing to do with codebreaking. Girly pop....what do you think language is if not code? Language is a type of code, and the concept of linguistic analysis is very similar to the concept of codebreaking. And honestly, they're not ~really~ codebreaking so much as translating, which is language-based.

I'm hoping book 2 will deal more with the linguistics and language aspect of Koinamens and the other draconic languages. While this one doesn't get too much into the technical aspects, I see potential for them to maybe come in in the future. There's a lot going on here in terms of language and rhetoric, so I'm interested to see where it all goes.

Viv is an interesting character. She definitely feels her age (17) and there were times I was yelling at her in my head for the decisions she made. Viv is very dedicated to her family, to the point of being willing to do stupid and brave things to save them, which I appreciated. At the same time, she's almost completely blind to the inequalities of the caste system, even when those inequalities are right in front of her. On the one hand you can say it's because she grew up that way and never had a chance to really learn differently, but on the other hand her cousin and parents don't seem to have a problem seeing past their privilege, so. Slow as she might be at it at times, Viv does learn, and I do sympathize with the position she's been put in. On one side of things is the desire to save her family and on the other is doing the right thing. By and large it does not seem like she can do both, and while Marquis might be quick to making his decision, I definitely get why Viv wavers between the two. In her position I imagine it would be very, very hard to choose.

The setup at Bletchley Park was intriguing. The rest of Viv and Marquis' cohort are all teenagers, but are people with the potential to be at the top of their fields...if they hadn't broken some law or other. Despite their different backgrounds, including a priest-in-training, an heiress, and Viv's ex-best friend, the group seems to relatively get along. I liked that there were quieter moments for them to get to know each other, particularly since it made some of the later, more tense scenes more impactful. I would've liked to see a bit more build-up between Viv and Atlas though. While we get to see their friendship blossom, I felt like it was still a little too rushed for romance.

We get bits and pieces of the 'rebels' throughout the book but don't really get a concrete look at them until the end. The very beginning of the book has Viv in a situation where she witnesses a brutal police response against a group of protestors, which greatly shakes her. Later, at Bletchley Park, there are whispers of the rebellion, though Viv remains staunchly opposed. We do get a better look at the government, which honestly seems to be a seething mess of corruption. Despite all evidence suggesting otherwise, Viv does genuinely seem to believe the government will do their best to ensure the people's prosperity. These two groups, the rebellion and the government, come to a head toward the end of the book, and I found it interesting to see how the two mixed and how each reacted to the other. I'm definitely curious to see where things will go in book 2.

#book #book review #book recommendations #bookaholic #bookblr #booklr #bookstagram #bookish #fantasy #books #ya fantasy books #ya fantasy #dragons #historic fantasy #translation #a language of dragons

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lihmonada · 2 months ago

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moonchild: a Percy Jackson x Harry potter AU.

First day at camp after the philosopher’s stone events. Gossiping and catching up with the girls.

Disclaimer: This happens before the lightning thief events.

"Oh, we missed you, Bella," Kayla said, throwing an arm around my shoulders and Suki's. "So, serious talk now... You wrote your letters all in cursive, so it took me a hot minute to decipher what in hades you wrote, did you say you fought a wizard parasite?" She asked incredulous.

"Wait, you can't read cursive?" | asked, genuinely curious.

Kayla gave me a flat look. "Girl, l'm dyslexic. I can barely read normal stuff." I laughed. "Fair point." Then I turned to Suki. "What about you?"

Suki shrugged. "I can read cursive, but it takes me a while to understand. That's why it took so long to write back to you."

I blinked. "Guys, you could've told me! I would've just sent you a spoken letter instead." Kayla's mouth dropped open.

"Wait-you can do that?! Like a wizard-y voicemail?"

"That's so cool," Suki added, eyes wide.

"Yeah," I said, grinning. "But I'd need a script, or l'd just end up yapping the whole time."

"Okay, but back to the parasite wizard-what was his name again? I genuinely couldn't read that for the life of me.

Vladimir? Volkmar? Seriously, what in Hades was that name?"

Kayla plopped onto the floor as she spoke, legs crossed, and Suki and I followed suit.

"Voldemort," I said. "But we call him You-Know-Who because his name became taboo during the dark times."

"Why?" Suki asked, tilting her head.

I leaned forward. "Back in the day, he was a very powerful dark wizard. He wanted to 'purify' society down to only purebloods and half-bloods, because he believed muggleborns weren't true wizards. And some people agreed with him. They called him 'the dark lord.' But then there were others who fought against him, and those people?

They called him by name. So, he put a spell on it, anyone who said his name, their location got revealed to his followers-the Death Eaters. And then they'd show up and kill you."

"That's... a bit extreme," Kayla said, blinking. "What if regular people were just talking about him casually?"

Suki nodded. "Yeah, like-what if someone was just gossiping? 'Oh my gods, did you hear Voldemort's out here causing chaos again?" Boom-dead?"

"Pretty much," I said with a shrug. "Didn't matter who you were. Say his name, and you die. Just for daring to saying it in vain."

Kayla scoffed. "Who does he think he is? Jesus?"

We all burst out laughing.

"Maybe," I said, still chuckling. "But that's why people just started calling him You-Know-Who."

"Makes sense, but why were people afraid of a wizard parasite?" Kayla asked.

"Well, he wasn't always a parasite," I said. "Actually, after I burned Quirrell, You-Know-Who kind of turned into this weird smoke thing? I don't know-it was super creepy, and I passed out right after, so not my best moment. But anyway, everyone thought he died when he tried to kill Harry. Turns out... not so much."

"Okay, new character unlocked-who's Harry, and why did Voldy want him dead?" Kayla asked, then whispered dramatically, "Did he say his name in vain?"

I laughed. "No, nothing that dramatic. Harry was just a baby-a year old, I think. There was this prophecy that said a child born at the end of July would be his downfall. Voldy decided Harry was the kid, so naturally, he went straight for murder."

Kayla's eyes widened. "Hold on. He tried to kill a baby?"

Suki gasped, clutching her chest. "What kind of psychopath goes after an infant?!"

"Yeah..." I nodded.

Kayla frowned. "What about his parents? Weren't they there to protect him?"

"They were," I said, my voice quieter. "But….. You-Know-Who killed them first."

That got Suki so shocked she just sat there, speechless.

Kayla, however, shook her head. "Okay, but if his parents were dead and the curse rebounded, how did Harry survive?"

"Apparently, someone took him to live with his muggle relatives-his mom's sister, I think. But I heard they're horrible people who hate magic in all forms."

Suki looked genuinely confused. "Who hates magic?"

Kayla didn't even hesitate. "Boring people."

#percy jackson #harry potter #voldemort #camp half blood #kayla knowles #fanfic #hecate #pjo x hp #hp #pjo fandom #pjo #pjo scenario #scenario #arabella tamada #suki nakayama

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o5-10 · 5 months ago

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Never before shared RP 2: Nina being handed one of the coghaz files

Visibility: No

Warnings: brainwashing

Liu and Hazmi @the-end-and-the-way/ @motherfuckinchaos

Nina: Me

Hazmi returned with two lattes, one relatively normal-looking one for Liu, and one green, syrupy, whipped cream monstrosity for himself. “I just got you whatever,” he said, setting it down. Catching Liu’s judgmental glance, he glared back. “What? It’s just a matcha latte.”

“That’s a calorie bomb,” Liu said, checking the time on his phone. Nina was due to be here soon. He shifted his grip on the bag holding the document folder. One four-page document embedding no less than twelve novel text-based cognitohazards. And they weren’t even at the ultimate payload yet.

Nina sighed, adjusting her grip on the steering wheel. There wasn't much traffic, thankfully, but it was still anxiety-inducing, she had gotten in a spat with Ten about this, 'Are you sure you're fine? Because you really don't sound fine. I can hear the venom, Ten.' 'I'm fine. You're convinced I'll be upset either way, but I'll be more upset if you baby me, and refuse to do things for yourself on my behalf. Go.' And so she basically demanded an update at around 9:30, if she wasn't back by then. She really didn't know how long these things were supposed to take, at this point. She mostly only left to run errands, and would take other staff with her for socialization. Not great, but it worked.

She shook the thoughts off as she parked and stepped out of her car. This was supposed to be a nice time, no point in agonizing over her boss's issues. They just got that way sometimes, and they had just gotten in a spat with Sparks. She didn't know the full context, Ten was vague about it, even to her, but she knew it upset them a lot. There wasn't a lot to do about it, and as much as it sucked, they had a point, they'd probably feel bad either way, so she shouldn't factor that into this decision.

Stepping in, she glanced around quickly before seeing who she was there to see, and waving at them with a smile, "I know I apologized already," she started as she neared them, "But I really did hope to actually be here 8pm, theater time, but I guess I did it in regular time, instead."

She pulled a chair out for herself, "Glad you're doing better." She said that one much quieter, not wanting to accidentally have someone overhear about any issues going on, that'd be rude, after all.

“Nina!” Liu had nearly stood up when she walked in. He tried to pass it off as adjusting his seat instead. Hazmi snorted into his drink, waving at her. “How are you? We ordered first, hope you don’t mind.”

Well, that was...enthusiastic. That must've been a good sign, though. More enthusiastic than expected, but it didn't seem faked, so it was alright. Maybe he was just that starved of friends. She laughed lightly, at him, "I'm alright, could be better, but could be much, much worse. And no, I don't mind at all, it's not like we're some place where that'd be super weird, right?”

“Anyway, what would you like to drink?” Liu was on the verge of kicking Hazmi under the table. “Hazmi here knows the menu.”

"Oh, I checked, before I drove out, and I think, god it sounds stupid to say out loud, the passion tango tea would be fine, though," she shook her head. Why did so many chains have ridiculous names, "Do you regularly drive out this way?" She asked, looking at Hazmi, curiously, "I guess I'm a bit surprised you'd have the time to.”

“Not really,” Hazmi lied, sporting a moustache of whipped cream. He’d removed the lid to get at it. “Just had a bit of spare time in the last week, since I was prevented from working and all.” He glanced at Liu, who glanced back.

Liu felt pretty impressed with Hazmi’s prevarication abilities, to be honest, and made the decision to leave the inevitable conversation about how Hazmi was doing in his hands. “I’ll get the tea,” he said, and went to the counter.

Ah, she nodded, understanding, "That makes sense." She was about to continue when Liu got up and said he was leaving, "Alright."

She frowned a bit, "About that, you don't need to answer specifically, but were they able to find you something that'll help in the future? I don't need any details, at all, it's not my business, or anything. Just out of genuine concern.”

“Well, I’ve started on some meds,” Hazmi stirred at his cream with the straw, avoiding Nina’s gaze. “Hard to tell if they’ll work long term, but in the short term, removing me from the job, as much as I hated that, removed a lot of stress too. I’ve also been doing some physical tests, as well as tests with the psychiatrists. No word on the results yet.”

Liu returned, holding Nina’s tea. “Here we go.”

"Well, they take, what is it, 4 weeks to kick in, I think? My boss might know, but I'm not about to ask." She shook her head again, looking down, "Results, sadly, take time, I hope it's nothing too hard to deal with.”

“I’m fine.” Hazmi gave her a good impression of a strained smile.

Liu, who was nursing the comparatively normal latte, pulled the bag containing the folder carefully towards himself, so he could start unzipping it.

She looked up at him, her face was calm, but full of concern, "I've heard that one, at least half a dozen times in the past 24 hours, Hazmi." It was definitely not a lie, though she was going to have to dodge a lot about that, now. She grabbed her tea and started drinking it, to find an excuse to not elaborate.

Hazmi shrugged. “It’s take it or leave it,” he said, picking up his drink.

Liu, finding himself caught between two persons determinedly sipping drinks to avoid talking (even if one was just a good actor), decided that now would be a good time to activate Nina and give her the instructions. “Nina?”

She looked at him, "Yes, Anonymous?”

“I don’t look like a ghost, do I?”

Almost immediately, she relaxed substantially, staring almost expectantly but calm at him, waiting for whatever it was he needed from her.

He breathed a sigh of relief. The sleeper conditioning was still strong. Of course; Madhavan had given her personal assurance, but he’d had his reservations about the rush job.

Looking into her eyes, expectant now, but strangely void of presence, he handed her the folder. “This is a report for Oh Five Ten,” he said, slowly and clearly. “It’s from Oh Five Six. It’s confidential, and passed to your hands from the normal channels.”

She nodded, understanding very, very well. Of course it was, where else would it be from, after all. It was probably more stuff about whatever it was he'd had to give them last time, anyway. Must be important, since those two almost never spoke.

Liu watched her nod, eyes bright and still void. “That’s good, you understand. Keep it safe and hand it to Oh Five Ten as you normally would.” Beside him, Hazmi watched with calm fascination.

She nodded again, "Okay, did he say anything else? Or just to give it to them?" She wondered why she hadn't thought to bring her carrier folder with her. That was okay, she could keep it very safe without that, it just made it easier.

“He said it was an update.” Liu stuck to the official line.

"That makes sense," Ten wasn't going to like that. But she had to do it, and Ten had to deal with it.

He nodded. “I think you should. Relax now, and have some tea.” With luck, the fugue state would phase itself out naturally, and Nina would return none the wiser. “So, Hazmi, read any good books lately?”

“Nope,” Hazmi replied. “Still just focusing on getting better.”

She grabbed the drink and drank slowly, a bit off, but she was okay. It was okay. She'd just listen for a bit, she didn't want to interrupt, after all.

Liu stole a quick glance at her. “How’s the tea?”

She glanced up, "It's alright. It's not what I'm used to, but that's not a bad thing, at all." She smiled a bit, it was genuine, though how genuine it looked was debatable.

Liu returned her smile with a rather strained one of his own. “That’s good to hear. I’m afraid I might not be able to finish mine, it’s not really what I’m used to.” Beside him, Hazmi was polishing off his own latte.

She hummed in understanding, "It can be jarring, I guess. Probably why the opposite is true, too. Comfort foods tend to be what one is very used to from early, I mean." She paused, "Are you alright? Stressed?”

She was back. That was good, it was in the manual. “Just a little, I guess,” he admitted. “But coming out and having a coffee helps, even if it’s not the stuff I’m used to.”

"That sounds like it must be a lot. I sometimes wish that they didn't saddle everyone with so much, but it can't be helped," she rubbed her eyes and checked the time, "Maybe it'd be more helpful to do things you're more used to, when you go out? I don't know."

She moved her hand and leaned her face on it, "I know you're shy, but is there something I can call you privately beyond anonymous? It doesn't have to be what anyone else calls you. Or anything at all.”

For a second, Liu blanked on a possible alias. His actual name wouldn’t do - but Hazmi called him that all the time, what if he’d already given it away and she was just testing him? His Factotum code wouldn’t do either, that was off limits. What else could he give her?

“Robert,” he said, finally. “You could call me that, if you want.”

Beside him, Hazmi gave him a brief are you serious look, which he knew he deserved. He was just bad with names.

Nina nodded, "Alright."

She paused for a moment, thinking about it. It sounded like her guess was right, he was just unsure of the whole name thing. She supposed that was fair, names could be hard, lord knew she sometimes felt off about her own name. Whether or not their reasons were the same was none of her business, though. "You know," she offered a reassuring smile before continuing, "It's always okay to change your mind about a name." She glanced disapprovingly at Hazmi. Leave him alone, he's trying, she didn't say, because that might cause an unnecessary scene.

“Ah, Robert is okay,” Liu felt obliged to stick to it now. It was lucky that Nina had misunderstood Hazmi’s look. “It really really is. If I want you to call me anything else, I’ll say.”

Hazmi just stirred the dregs of his latte with his straw. “Nerd ass name, is all I’m saying.”

"If you're sure," she shrugged, "I guess I just know how tricky names can be, that's all." She frowned, "Whether or not you like a name, it's still what he wants to be called, Hazmi.”

Hazmi shrugged. “Suits him.”

“Please don’t.” Liu was uncomfortable with his alias under scrutiny. “It’s not a nerd name, Hazmi, it’s just common.”

"You're being unnecessary," she sounded genuinely miffed. What the hell was Hazmi's damage. "I vote we find something else to talk about?”

“Books,” Liu sounded like he heartily agreed. “You asked me for book recs, once. What do you like to read in your spare time?”

She thought about it for a bit, not really sure how to answer, "I guess, when I can, there are a lot of different ones." She hummed, "I know my boss recommended some things once, which were okay. But other than that, ones that stood out, off hand? The Belgariad was nice. Breath, Eyes, Memory was, from what I remember, interesting. I remember liking House of Leaves, but I can't remember anything about it, weirdly enough. I want to read Love Medicine. And I know I mentioned liking In a Free State. Like Water for Chocolate, also, I remember liking. I don't know, I could probably enjoy most things, given the chance. You seem to be similar, based on the two recommendations you gave me.”

“Oh yeah- my recommendation to you for one serious book and one unserious anime.” Liu laughed. “I don’t think I’ve read a single one of the books you’ve mentioned, but I’ve heard of a few. In A Free State and House of Leaves are both on my reading list, I’ve heard good things about them for ages.”

She shrugged, "Like I said, it was...well, a more helpful recommendation than the only other response I got, so, thank you for it. Again." She thought about it a moment, "Well, hopefully they live up to expectations when you get around to them, then, yeah?”

He laughed again. “I’ll hold you to it. We should really exchange recommendations on tumblr, now that I’ve made one.”

Hazmi rolled his eyes and stood to get another drink.

—

It was later that evening when they parted (Hazmi said he’d forgotten his medication). Liu went in for a handshake with Nina.

She closed her eyes to think for a moment, before nodding, "We could do that, yeah. Not really using mine for anything else, right now, anyway."

She heard Hazmi stand up and looked over toward the noise. She figured he must be a lot nicer at other times, if Robert cared about him as a friend. Made sense, enough. People act different in different situations, and she had been told he wasn't pleased with how things turned out for him post-evaluation. She supposed it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to conclude he must've blamed her, on some level, for that.

She glanced at her phone. Ten had texted. It was the most boredly irritated "I'm doing this because I have to" text she'd read in a long time. Oh well, what did she expect?

---

She grabbed his hand slightly eagerly, but her smile was professional-veering-friendly. She was an adult, not a kindergartner making her first friend, "I'm really glad our schedules lined up so soon, I was anticipating a month or more, if I'm honest.”

“It was lucky that they did,” Her hand was warm in his. “We should do this more often. Maybe in a week, we could meet again? Subject to our schedules, of course.”

She nodded, "I can try to make that work, yes." This was very, very nice, actually.

“I’ll be driving back to Site with Hazmi,” Liu said. “You’re alright driving back alone? Me and Hazmi, we have. Stuff, to talk about.”

"Yeah, I will be. I kind of have to be, the car's not mine," she laughed a bit. "Yeah, I'm sure you do," her voice was quieter there, she thought about how rude Hazmi'd been. If the two of them were friends, like she thought, well...if she were in her friend's shoes, she'd want to have words with them, too.

“Goodnight, Nina.” Liu waved at her as she exited the coffee shop. He breathed a sigh. Everything had gone well.

“That went well,” Hazmi noted, echoing his thoughts. “Maybe too well. Don’t catch feelings, Gamma Captain.”

“I’m not.”

#the right words #500 treasonous monkeys #under a watchful eye #covalent bond

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2000sangel · 1 year ago

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hi! I was curious if you could do a romantic hazbin hotel match up? <3

I go by she/they. im pansexual, im not too picky. I'm originally from Guatemala but was adopted to America! I have dark brown eyes with gold rimmed glasses with peircings; nose stud and septum. Im also a bit on the bigger side like mid size, im super insecure about it due to family problems making it worse. im getting bette with it though! I'm a Pisces and an infp. When first meeting me I'm normally shy and keep to myself and I've been told I look mean since of my resting face but trust I'm the silliest person you have ever met. when getting close; I love to joke around and I tend to be rude and "out of pocket " with my humor. (think of like smiling friends or oneyplays for reference) I love helping others if it be medically or just listening. speaking of medical; I'm almost done with schooling to get my EMT certification! I've always wanted to help someone every since I was a child. since I chose this field I am a real stickler for anatomy and physiology, with that being said I like to point out mistakes in movies which can get super annoying but it's something I love to do. another thing I love is the elder scrolls series! I love the real life inspo it's taken for the game universe, plus I love the medival vibe it has. I also love history such as artifacts from the past, historical texts, and medical practices back then. I'm a huge horror fan as well; scream, thanksgiving, SAW, Halloween, the omen. I love the classics! I also love crime cases too. I also love music,my favorites being malice mizer, gulu gulu, nirvana , ice nine kills, korn,slaughter to prevail and powerwolf! I like gothic type clothing but I normally dress in a baggy shirt and jeans so I feel out of place lol. I'm not the super touchy type (depends on the mood) because it gives me the ick. I'm more of acts of service and quality time type of lover.

I hope this is enough information! I love your writing < 3

Hi!! Thank you for appreciating my writing <3 You’ve got a lot of interests, you seem like a very interesting person!

With that said, I match you with a character that I didn’t think anyone would get matched with...

Lute!

I’m going to start from the bottom here and say that Lute is not very touchy either, so she appreciates having a partner who has similar tastes when it comes to love languages. Her primary language is quality time, if you’re spending time with Lute it means she considers you worthy and thinks your relationship is worth devoting effort on.

Her favorite way of spending time together is doing her own thing while you do yours and listening to music in the meantime. Maybe you’ll be studying and she’ll be stretching, or you’ll be researching historical facts while she’s preening her wings.

Speaking of preening, she will only trust you and herself to do it. She’s pretty shy when asking too, pretending not to care but you can clearly see her looking anywhere but in your eyes. She loves the feeling of your hands on her wings, and being taken care of for once.

Going back to your interests and what you two do together, she’s also not opposed to watching your favorite horror movies! I get the feeling that she’d be into those kind of things herself, and would also find crime cases interesting to follow. I can imagine you two making dinner or a simple snack and sitting on the cough together, watching a documentary on the latest crime case while chewing on your food as quietly as possible to hear every word.

Lute is not the type to get intimidated easily, especially if she doesn’t know someone personally, so your quieter and ‘mean-looking’ exterior never really bothered her in the first place. When you two get closer and you eventually reveal the sillier side of your personality, she’s going to reveal hers as well. She loves out of pocket humor and mean jokes, so much so that you joke around with each other this way so often that others will question whether you’re actually lovers or...don’t like each other that much after all.

She also really admires the dedication you put into studying for your certification and the field you’ve decided to deal with. She loves dedicated and diligent people. It’s also almost funny to her how she’s an Exorcist and you’ll be working in the medical field.

Lute finds you very attractive, that is a given with her being your loyal girlfriend. She really wants you to feel confident in how you look and for you to dress how you want without feeling out of place, so she’s going to remind you that she finds you good looking very often, in her own way of course. She might be a little on the meaner side when it comes to these things, but she means well; she’ll straight up tell you to wear something more interesting if she knows you were planning to dress in a more gothic style but settled on the usual baggy clothes. She’ll then remind you that you’re good looking for her and it shouldn’t really matter what your family or others think.

Overall, Lute is a very supportive – still, in her own way - and devoted partner. If you’ve got to the point of being in a relationship with her, nothing can really separate you two from that point on.

#hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin x reader #x reader #hazbin hotel matchup #hazbin hotel matchups #matchup #matchups #hazbin matchup #lute #lute hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel lute

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heyiwrotesomethings · 2 years ago

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Ok admittedly I have a hard time seeing any of them drink in the first place, especially Kanao, but say by some chance they each individually end up a bit smashed, how do you think the Butterfly Girls are when they're drunk?

Kanao I imagine is the type to get even quieter and just kinda sit in the corner but Kanae... for some reason I fear what that woman would be like with alcohol in her system.

Also hope the Wednesday's going good! Halfway through the week~

Oh boy, I’m not well versed in the various personalities of drunk people, but I’ll give it my best shot. We’ll just say this is everyone’s legal drinking age birthday celebration or sometime after.

Kanae: Either super relaxed or manic, I can’t decide. She’s fairly talkative normally, but she’s really talking now and probably without a filter too. Nothing bad though, all good things I’m sure, but maybe a little cheeky too.

Shinobu: It would be too easy to say angry drunk, but I don’t think she would be one anyway. I think she would be relaxed and vibing right up until something negative settles in her brain and then she gets mopey. She’ll try to hide it, but she’s visibly agitated. If someone asks her if something is wrong, she might just cry.

Kanao: I agree that Kanao would be even quieter. She’s the type who would be like, “I’m drunk. I can’t let anyone know I’m drunk”, but she is not convincing anyone with her attempts to act natural.

Aoi: Happy drunk. She’s always so serious, now she gets to loosen up a little bit. Doesn’t mean she’ll let any bad behavior slide though, she’s still as sharp as ever and will tell them off. However, her words might get a little jumbled up as she does so.

#asks #chamomilecamille

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mamamittens · 8 months ago

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I'm making another shippy drawing, this time with Izou since I haven't given him proper 1:1 love with Nikia.

It's not a bad time to think about their particular dynamic, actually, since I am, once again, not falling asleep as I should when I really should already be passed TF out

It won't hurt to establish Nikia's with Thatch just as a reminder for myself honestly.

Thatch and Nikia are a bit dorky. Thatch acts suave, enjoys sweeping romantic gestures, and is very bold about his affections. You will know if he hates you and if he loves you to pieces.

Nikia is, predictably, very embarrassed but pleased about this. Quieter, she likes smaller moments. Bigger gestures are overwhelming for her. Not very good at being loud and proud, so to speak. So naturally most of their moments are small. Personal. Intimate gestures.

Passing kisses and touches. Small "I'm thinking of you" gifts. Thatch not one for trinkets finds himself with many, each one a gift from her because he's weak for the "I saw this and thought of you". He loves that. The thought of being thought of even when he's somewhere else. And he makes an effort to space out his very loud, public displays of affection to meet her in the middle. He can't always control himself. Partly because he's usually so busy, so what little free time he has he wants to make it memorable.

Now! Onto Izou and Nikia!

Izou is a lot more subdued. He's not secretive about his affections but he won't be singing on rooftops anytime soon. He will make his feelings known, however, regardless of what free time he has. Which is a little more than Thatch given he doesn't need to plan meals for a massive crew and overlook kitchen staff.

Okay, it's a little misleading to say he's subdued. Actually. It's really fucking loud and clear, he just doesn't use his voice for it. So he gets away with being a bold bastard a lot more, especially since a lot of it is pirate etiquette that goes over Nikia's head. Thatch, not so much, but he keeps his mouth shut if he knows what's good for him. And he doesn't argue with it either.

The silk foulard is a gift from Izou after all, and has a subtle pattern from Wano weaved in.

So she finds her wardrobe subtly tailored to suit her better, a side project of Izou's. And also pieces slipped in from Izou himself. A spare yukata trimmed to function as a loose jacket since she gets cold easily. Hair ribbons and chokers with silk in his colors or with Wano exclusive patterns.

She doesn't realize how damn possessive his actions are for someone not a tailor because he's not crass enough to just give her his actual yukuta to wear. Like Thatch will drape his foulard over her shoulders when she's cold and Izou nearly smacks him for it.

For those that know, it's like wearing a cowboys hat lol

So anyway, Izou sinks his claws into her wardrobe in whatever way he can and is the first to offer his services if she wants a makeover or hairstyling. If she wants to try hair jewelry, he gets it. Maybe with Thatch's help if he's being generous.

He enjoys showing how he can provide since Thatch has the literal food and dramatic displays handled.

Basically, in pirate speak, Nikia is SUPER spoken for. If they can't tell by who, they can definitely tell it's someone from Wano. And anyone who is bold enough to ignore that earns a bullet in their ass at minimum.

Izou enjoys his trinkets and adores when she secures him crafting materials for clothes. New thread and needles, silks and fabrics. The works. She may ask for assistance at first to get a good idea of what he prefers to work with, but once she has it down, he'll be pleasantly surprised often. Which is quite practical and sweet.

Her favorite thing is getting him jewelry with flowers. Roses if she's being overtly romantic. Delicate cherry blossoms or other such small flowers for cute variety. Even if he doesn't wear them anytime soon, they're displayed beautifully alongside his practical, daily pieces.

Once she learns how bold both of them have been while courting her, she's very flattered.

And they're very interested in how flattered and flustered she is about that.

Very much integrated into dirty talk anytime they give her a particularly bold gift. Notably, she still wears them.

And they very much like that.

And then they'll both use gifts she's given them just to fluster her with their newfound meaning.

It's like ongoing foreplay for them and everyone else thinks they're insufferable. Like, "just fuck already" but worse, because clearly fucking has not helped lessen the tension.

A pirate giving away treasure is a very intimate act, after all. And decorating someone in your colors or home patterns/fabrics equally bold. To keep doing so I'm new ways... Well, it's a lot. Let's put it that way.

Only way they could be more overt is if they just got married already and got matching tattoos.

They're very happy for them but... Yeah. It's kinda obnoxious lmao

#mittens rambles #op oc nikia #shippy talk #thatch/nikia/izou

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3lossm · 11 months ago

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@madestars : ( brick ) “ since when do you ever worry about me ?? ”

something stirs in her chest , a sharp pull of a heartstring -- a snap. his words cut into her in a way they shouldn't . she's not obligated to care about him, in fact she shouldnt . however, it's unnatural for her, it's like seeing the moon hiding as a phantom during the day for the first time. it's confusing, it makes you contemplate and it makes you ask questions. it's something she can't quite stop even if she tells herself she needs to, that it's no good because he's no good.

he's bad. very bad . evil .

yet , there's that flash of hurt that passes over the pink of her eyes, wide with a form of shock. his venom is a fresh wound, inflamed and reddened. her jaw tightens where it's hinged , this was stupid . so freaking stupid . he 's the same -- well , not quite the same as her given the inherited morals but the variables are similar . with the special component of chemical X , he can heal the same way she does. she didn't need to -- ugh ! feeling stupid grows into embarrassment. in an anxious movement, she fidgets and catches herself . none of that was needed. the hurt is still there and she's riddled with disbelief as a secondary emotion but it sparks her temper . it's an immediate reaction, anger and hurt flaring behind her eyes. the anger rises, a warm tide that washes over her and fuels her speech quickening and voice raising.

❛ are you serious ? ❜ her gaze is pointed up at him, holding the eye contact . a question , where she pauses and then she's letting that anger take the reigns some. look , it's not what he says that's eating at her bones, it's the way he said it, with that stupid , annoying tone he's always using. like ... like it's unfathomable that she would care or .. worry. she's a super hero ! it's her job to care. ( yeah , that's it )

❛ i know you're - ❜ pink eyes drop to his chest, then bounce back up to his , expression hardening again . ❛ evil and heartless and don't care about anybody but yourself but -- ❜ she stops , a brief pause as she takes a deep breath now, why is there a but ? why is there an exception ? now, her anger has been sucked away, like a drain catching water. ❛ it ' s .. kinda what i do , brick . ❜ tone flattens , alongside it , her voice is quieter , tamed compared to the almost shouting ( she wasnt shouting thank you very much ) that was occuring beforehand. ❛ it ' d be more alarming if i wasn't worrying , to some extent. ❜ she tacks on that last bit to make sure it doesn't look like she cares too much.

she's telling the truth though, ever since they were young , blossom has always been a worrier, maybe it came with the territory of being the leader , maybe it was because of the fact that she was the one left responsible with the safety of townsville, and sure, her sisters are there too -- they fight together but she's always acted the most mature, the most capable of handling the pressure. being worrisome just came from being the leader [ . . . ] there's a quiet voice in her head that tells her brick is a leader too and she wonders briefly if he's the same .

#⁎·‧ 𝚐𝚎𝚗. ‧ ✿ answers ！ ˜ ⁎#uh .. im not sure i like this but im shoving it your way ??#me : is this ooc i cant tell

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anonzentimes · 1 year ago

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The reason for her first name was to kinda match up with Chihiro because we know Chiaki's name is based off of his and I wanted to do the same! So I took the Saki part in Fujisaki and yes Chiaki is replaced entirely! I love her but one thing I wish we got more of was a backstory and getting to know more about her life, So I tried to do that for Saki while still making sure it works with the story of dr3/sdr2.

To start Saki is an orphan her parents had to give her up due to not having enough money to take care of her. She’s been there since they got out of the hospital! Not sure if this part is canon or not but Nagito on the other hand got put in this orphanage after the serial killer kidnapping part. But they didn’t talk to each other until they were 8. Saki during the years of being there so far she’d find a fun thing that she likes to do which is being out in the woods/forest looking at all of the plants and she’s been kind of sneaking out during the day to do so, nobody noticed anyway. But Nagito did notice her sneak out one time and maybe got a little curious and decided to follow her. He saw her looking focused at the ground and he kind of just went up to her and started talking, it was a bit strange because it was just so calm and nonchalant like they’ve been friends for a while. Saki didn’t even notice he was there at first and it made her jump then she got scared because she thought that he’d tell on her as she’s kind of not allowed to go outside without permission but with the way he was talking it didn’t seem like he would but it helped calm her nerves. So she started to engage in the conversation as well and she really enjoyed it because this was like the first person to really talk to her. But as they were talking the tree that was next to Saki made a snapping noise. She looked up at the sound for a second then freaked out seeing that huge tree branch was going to land on her if she didn’t move. So she grabbed Nagitos hand just in case and ran to the entrance of the forest. When she looked over at Nagito she was surprised to see that he didn’t look scared or worried in the slightest. he actually looked more shocked at the fact that Saki even moved him away from the scene. And after that day that was it. They didn’t talk for a few days. Saki was a bit sad since Nagito was the first person she’d bonded with at the orphanage. Since everyone else there was a bit older than she was, Nagito was the only person who was around her age. So she decided to go up to him this time! He seemed a bit distant like he was still talking to her but he just seemed quieter than the first time they talked. And Saki was worried that he didn’t like her anymore. After that conversation, they didn’t talk again for another few days. Saki wanted to try one more time because you know maybe he was having a bad day that day! He seemed calmer this time still distant but it was better! And at the end, Saki asked to be friends and Nagito looked a bit hesitant before saying yes!

(Switching the POV for a moment! I like to think the only reason Nagito didn’t talk to Saki after he went to her that day was because he probably blamed himself for the tree branch breaking off and almost injuring or even killing Saki if she didn’t notice. And he didn’t want to put her life in danger again! Also so sorry this is so long and I hope I’m doing Nagito justice so far!! :D)

Hmm okay, so, I like the ideas here I think they're fun! The Fujisaki naming was really smart I smiled about it. I'm interested in how the story entirely plays out with her implemented Lol. Nagito going to an orphanage isn't really canon so it's sort of up to interpretation for what happens at that point, it's not canon but also not invalidating anything so it's an interesting interpretation! The tree snapping due to his luck is a really good scenario for him and I like it a lot, him being shocked about being cared for more than the scenario is also super in character. Him blaming himself for the interaction, trying to keep her safe, is also good characterization and I like it!

I think my main I suppose like ""criticism"" is that it takes a lot for Nagito to say somebody is a friend. Nagito is friendly with Hajime in the Dangan Islands for quite a while but treats a friendship label like something so special. Just like, make sure to give the label of friend more emphasis and power because it means enough to him that he had to get the courage to ask Hajime as if it was a love confession. He says friend as a light word in the first trial as well, but still, if it's a genuine personal bond rather than a light term there needs a lot of emphasis on it. The hesitation is good to display that, and he IS still young here so he might not be fully distancing himself yet. Might not entirely be expecting every person to die inherently since he was the one to approach her. So I think it makes sense here. But just as a general point him saying someone is a friend is a huge thing for him considering the possible bad luck, so make sure to show how huge it is IF it isn't just a general label! :)

This pretty cool so far! I think the concepts and general characterization is pretty on the mark! I like a lot of stuff about it, I think Nagito's characterization is done pretty well and Saki is an interesting character. I'd like to know about more about her mannerisms and what happens later on in the story here :D

#nagito komaeda #danganronpa #sdr2 nagito #danganronpa nagito #danganronpa komaeda #sdr2 komaeda #komaeda nagito #sdr2 #danganronpa goodbye despair #nagito #komaeda #danganronpa oc #danganronpa ocs #danganronpa 2 spoilers

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ifyougochasingrabbits · 1 year ago

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TW: Mention of violence, mention of death, mention of slavers. Feat. Xana'h Nbolo

Xana'h mumbles to himself as he shuffles up the stairs and down the narrow hallway towards the alchemists' guild. He chews on the butt of his unlit cigarette like he means to eat it, and his fingers are knotted together in front of him, pulling at joints and picking at claws. As he rounds the corner, he nearly misses White Rabbit in the corner and internally debates on whether he should just pretend he didn't see her or stop. Xana'h Nbolo stops, on the first step up, and turns slowly to look at her from behind glasses perched high. "What an interesting and benevolent sight you are, for once, White," he drawls, shuffling closer. The closer he gets, the quieter his voice, until it's near a mumble under his breath. "What a strange place to find you, dipped into a dark corner around this part of the city."

White stood leaning against the hallway's wall, her gaze had followed each and every single person who passed through over the bell or two, maybe even three that she had been there. Waiting. Watching for someone. She hadn't seen them yet. Who she did see pulled her ever-present smile into a smirk as she tilted her towards him a little bit. "Is it? Really that strange to see me. Here?" She stared through his shades, making note of how he moved. "It's just a hallway. To the alchemists' guild." White Rabbit stole a glance past him down the hall towards said guild. A super quick one. Her gaze was back on his before he knew it. "Are you goin' there? Are you buyin'? What are you gettin'? Is it somethin' fun~"

Xana'h shrugs and tilts his head this way and that. "Not in the city, no, but up here, near there," he gestures towards the guild. "You're as nosey as ever, though, it seems. I am going near there, yes, to... chat. Not buy. Because no one is selling." His teeth grind at the butt of his cigarette, and he makes to dismiss their conversation out of irritation before he remembers why he stopped at all. "Whiiiite," he coos, tilting his head so far to one side his neck makes a discomforting, but relieving crack. "You like to keep your ears close to the ground, yes? You like to eavesdrop and know things, right? I couldn't bother you about hearing something going around the rumor mill, could I?"

White narrowed-eyed in amusement. She was torn between opening her mouth and saying she knew or keeping it shut. She compromised with herself, opening her mouth to ask, "There's always somethin' goin' around the rumor mill." Was she going to be that way? Yes. She was. Curious about a lot of things that she just had to wait to have answered. "You'll have to tell me what kind, you see? If you want me to know which it might be." She had a feeling she already did. Like he said, people weren't selling.

Xana'h tongues at the butt of his cigarette, moving it from one corner of his mouth to the next. It remains unlit, which is unusual given the time and place. His fingers won't stop fussing with the hems of his coat. He moves to stand right next to White, back up against the wall, and a sigh leaves his lips. "Fences are running scared and refusing to work because a couple were found killed in Thanalan. Would any of your guard friends know more about that?"

White watched the movement of his fingers out of the edge of her gaze, her own creeping around his waist when he moved next to her. She'd leave her arm there, around him if he let her as she leaned in, looking up at him smiling a knowing smile. "How many is a couple? Two? Three? What have you heard, Stargazer?"

Xana'h frowns, moreso at her words than at the hand around his waist. He doesn't move to keep her from touching him, but his tail flicks and his ears twitch. "A couple is a couple, it's two. Do you know or don't you, if not I have other people to talk to."

White frowns back at him, but it's a forced one. The corners leveled out, then curled back up to the slight smile she always held if it wasn't something smirky or devious. Or some mixture of both. It wasn't either now. "I do." She gave him that, but reminded him, maybe annoyingly, "We both know, Stargazer. Most of that kind of know isn't cheap. Or free. But I'll give you a little somethin'. Seein' I'm a kind woman. Don't think you'll get anythin' over at the guild. I already asked. They don't know shite. Not the right kind."

This time, Xana'h does take a step away and swats at the arm around his waist. "Fine. How much are you asking?" It isn't so much that he's annoyed at her for charging - business is business, and they are, if anything and only, business partners - but the entire situation has him on edge in a way that he hasn't been in years and it's, admittedly, a little scary.

White could have asked for coin, it was king in the city. And really anywhere for that matter. She didn't. "One favor." Between them she lifted a finger, reaching out to give a tap on the tip of his nose. "I think that's a good trade! A won-der-ful one. Don't you?"

Xana'h scrunches his nose and frowns further. "I don't do favors. Why can't you just ask for coin like every other bastard in this city? It's not like I'm spending it on anything with the recent happenings."

White gave him a look, the kind that asked, 'really?'. "How much are you goin' to need when you can get it? Again." She smiled. "It's just one favor. Only one!"

Xana'h rolls his eyes behind his glasses. "What is the favor?" He asks, then adds hastily. "I'm not agreeing to it! I want to know what it is before I answer."

White lifted her shoulders into a shrug. "I don't know. I don't need one yet! But when I do..." Leeeeaning his way, onto one foot she peered up under his shades. "I'll call on you." She yoinked herself back down onto two feet, leaning against the wall again. "It will be a fair trade! I'm not goin' to ask you to put yourself in harm's way. Or somethin' Similar. No, I couldn't! Wouldn't. Can't do that. I'd miss that face too much."

Xana'h follows her face with his own, making sure she can’t see under his glasses. If she does manage to sneak a peek, his eyes are a little red rimmed and bloodshot. "Oh no, I trust your favor wouldn't be dangerous, I suspect it will be annoying though," he huffs and clicks his tongue. "Don't be telling anyone else I gave you a favor - that is not something I trade for. But this one time... fine. Awful creature. Now talk."

White did indeed sneak a little peek, making a note. "I won't tell a single livin' soul. Not one!" Her smirk that had claimed her lips softened as she did what he wanted and talked in a hushed voice, "There were four. Of them. Not countin' another. Or the others. That might be connected." Slipping half a step over she bumped into him. "They have red makin', you see? Ones on their face. Do you know about them? What they mean?" She did. "Slavers."

Xana'h clicks his tongue, but not at White this time, and sneers, showing fangs. "So I'd heard that they might've been. Feckin' perfect, that regular fences are too scared to show their faces because some slavers got themselves into trouble, I'd feckin' strangle their lights out too." His brows furrow as a hand comes up to rub at his temple. "I know one was found in the south and I haven't been able to travel there either."

White let her gaze wander, following his hand. "There was one in the east." She started to count on her fingers, starting with and her index pressing against the other. "He had his throat ripped out." Then to the middle, ring, and back to the index it returned. "There were four in a house. A small house. One in the Golden Bazaar. It's said it was a bloodbath. Three of them had the same markin's. One. Didn't. Nothin' was taken. Same with the one in the east. Except his throat."

Xana'h blinks at her, startled. That's a lot more than a couple, but then again no one really wanted to talk about it. The group he frequented didn't do slavers, it's why he liked doing business with them, and talking about them was inviting trouble. "I know of the one in the Bazaar. All else hasn't really been spoken about," he shakes his head. "I don't care that they're dead, they're better for it, but for feck's sake could it have been done quieter? Who the feck is going about making such a show and scaring the rest of the underground economy into the shadows?"

White stared at him a moment. Then a moment more. Her mouth kept shut the entire time until she agreed, "They are. Better. Six fulms under." She figured his question was one of those rhetorical one. Her lips parted, just a tiny bit as if to say something. She didn't, pressing them back together into a smile.

Xana'h squints at her. His stash may be thinning, and a headache on the rise behind his temples, but he swear he catches White readying to say something, and saying nothing at all. Which is weird, for White, to shut up about something. "What is it?" He asks, bringing his hand down and folding his arms in front of him. "You looked like you had more to say and my gripes are done."

White arched a brow, asking, "Did I? I think your shades have a smudge, Stargazer." as the other followed close behind.

"And I think you realized that whatever your favor is isn't enough to say what it is you wanted to say," Xana'h tilts his head to one side, grinning but it sits sharp and a little wrong. "Let me put it like this - you and I have no business until this gets resolved. I have no product to sell because I'm using it for me. This shite domino effect is ruining those of us who are trying to keep a moral leg up on slavers and we've been lumped in with them anyway. So if you have something to say, White, say. It."

"What I realized, Stargazer—" the little name White gave him sharpened as it slipped past her toothy grin, "is that. It might be better. If you don't. Know." Her words slowed, losing that sharpness that pointed to poke at his ears. "I think they're a mage." she shared anyway. "The one who's doin' all—" Lifting a hand she waved it around. "this."

Xana'h narrows his eyes at her. "What makes you think it's a mage?"

White slowly reached a finger out, trying to hook it on the sash tied around his waist. "It's really dry here. In the city. Outside of the city. Inside buildin's that are outside of the city. It'd be strange, so very weird, so odd to find one with a room completely wet anywhere. But here? Of all places." She wondered if he could keep up.

"I'm assuming it was wet with something other than the blood leaking out of their torn open throats?" Xana'h guesses, as he finally goes digging through his coat for a match. "I would've thought someone let a hungry, wild animal in the room with them. Hands off, but the same outcome - dead."

White shook her head. "Their throats weren't torn open. Or out. Not like that other guy." She added on, confirming that, "The room was. Wet. Damp-like. With water. Not blood."

Xana'h mouths the word 'water' like he's trying to decipher what that means. "So it's either a conjurer, or a thaumaturge and the ice melted," he decides. "Either one making a scene like this would make sense; one doesn't know better and the other just doesn't give a shite." He hums as he lights his battered cigarette, and as the smokes it the violent flicking of his tail becomes smoother, swaying. "I'll keep that in mind. Anything else?"

White added a third option, "Or they're sendin' a message." She eyed the cigarette. If it was any other time her hand would have been already halfway to plucking it out of her mouth, but it wasn't.

Xana'h scoffs. "It's slavers. You can send a message by killing them quietly, I assure you. By making this big to-do, now every fencer, not just the ones that have no morals, are afraid of getting mistaken for the wrong people."

"Which makes it more difficult for the slavers. If fences. Any of them aren't sellin' do you think they're buyin'? No. Nonononono." White shook her head towards him, whispering out, "They're not." Standing up she shrugged. "But what do I know." A lot. "I'm just a silly little rabbit."

"Can't buy from dead people," Xana'h grouses. "Look, there's no winning in this, but there's a better way to do it. Lots of us can't do work now because of this, and I can't get any of what I need." He shoves his fingers underneath his glasses and rubs his eyes. He looks like he wants to ask something, but instead says, "If this keeps up for a week, don't come looking for me. I'll be of no use for your favor, nor will I be in the mood to see anyone."

White let out a small chuckle behind a smile that looked a little strained. Or it could have been the bad lighting. "No. You can't. Unless you can talk to the dead. Can people do that? Talk to them. Would that mean you could buy from them too?" That train of thought veered onto another track, the look on his face being the lever that changed it over. "What is it?" she asked the familiar question. If he thought she'd leave it at just the question, he'd be wrong. "What were you goin' to say? To ask? Come on, stargazer. I told you. Didn't I? Think of it as another trade~"

"I'm sure some people can try to. I've heard White Mages can do ridiculous things, so why not talk to the dead?" Xana'h follows her silly train of thought, hoping she'll keep on it until she doesn't. He sighs into his hands, and brings them back down to fuss with his sash. "Can you... check on the house, in a week's time. I can't be there until this is shite has worked itself out, but I can't leave the house empty." He keeps it vague, but he thinks she'll be able to pick up on it just fine.

White let out an amused huff, thinking the whole talking to the dead was silly. They're dead. But the train was past that. She stared at him through his shades, breaking away to watch his fussy hands a moment. Only a moment. Her gaze returned back on up. "I. Can. Do that."

Xana'hsucks in a long drag and lets the smoke billow out thick through his nose. "Great," he says, like it's the easiest thing in the world to ask for help. "Thanks for the information. I'm still going to go talk to some people at the guild, ask some things that you don't need to know." He points a clawed finger at her, but smirks for the first time today. "Stars be with you or whatever."

White smirked a big smirk, one that pulled horn to horn and rounded her cheeks that pushed her gaze into a squint. "I don't? Now I'm curious. How can I not be? When you say it like that." Maybe she'd go poking her nose. Or she'd just make him think she would. There were choices. "I'll see you." She gave him a wiggly wave of her fingers in farewell, staying where she was to people-watch a little longer.

#[animal planet narraitor] and here we see a paranoid addict learning to trust #isn't it a beautiful sight?#♕ rp logs — white rabbit #❄ icepick in their sides #Xana'h Nbolo #final fantasy xiv #final fantasy 14 #ffxiv #ff14

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